The Survivor's Guide to Life: Recent Episodes
Peter M. Bernstein, Phd
The Survivor’s Guide to Life is an on-going series of discussions between Dr Peter Bernstein - a coach and mentor with nearly 50 years of experience working with emotional trauma and its impacts and podcast host, Jenny Stevenson - a seasoned coach and mentor who has worked with Dr Bernstein for more than a decade.
Each podcast will cover real-world examples of the various traumas, difficulties and struggles of life, and how developing an attitude of resilience can do more than merely help one cope - resilience can result in personal growth, an attitude of hope and ever-increasing joy in life.
Patrick, who also goes by the name “See Music” shares how a tragic childhood of loss and rejection created in him a “life pattern” in which he sought out others who had similar childhoods. Unfortunately, this life patten – his need to rescue others like himself even at his own expense – lead him into a years-long toxic relationship that wound up hurting him both emotionally and financially. Patrick goes on to discuss how he recovered from this unfortunate setback: first, by recognizing the negative aspects of his need to rescue others and, second, by learning to take better care of himself.
Caregivers give greatly of themselves in time and energy. Effective self-care includes paying attention to preserving energy and seeing to physical and emotional needs. Many caregivers are unaware, however, that caregiving also involves taking in often-painful energy from a loved one or client. In this podcast, we share from our Lynn's Legacy Resilience and Renewal training curriculum to explain how a caregiver's empathic connection can lead to emotional triggering, overload, and energy depletion. Tune in for essential, key concepts for caregivers to know to preserve their health and well-being.
On March 28th, the New York Times Magazine published a powerfully revealing article about young adults caring for their aging parents - while trying to earn a living, parent their children, and preserve their own health. The statistics were dramatic. "The share of caregivers who are under 45 quintupled over the past two decades, to nearly 66 percent from 16 percent." These caregivers are "often shouldering the burden with no pay and little outside help", even from other family members. The magazine article profiles Randi Schofield as she spirals downward attempting to meet the needs of her father, who suffers from car accident injuries complicated by other long-standing health issues. Our Lynn's Legacy: Caring for the Caregiver program was created out of our own caregiving experience to respond to the extraordinary needs of family caregivers in distress. In this podcast, we share insights into the physical and emotional toll caregivers like Randi experience, and how Lynn's Legacy can help. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/28/magazine/elder-child-care-millennials.html
Are you holding on to something that's holding you back? Is there something - or someone - that feels essential but in fact is getting in your way of moving on to better things? The Survivor's Guide to Life's social media coordinator Patrick Cyuzuzo (SEE) shares from his experiences and urges you to "let it go" in this inspiring episode of our podcast.
Many people face the reality of having a loved one in need of caregiving. What will it take for them to succeed and preserve their health and well-being in this sacrificial calling, this "extraordinary reality"? Caregiving can be exhausting, depleting, and emotionally draining. The keys to resilience as a caregiver are many and in this podcast we highlight two essentials - using a team approach and being action-oriented.
What are you leaving unfinished? What excuses could you make for giving up now? Patrick Cyuzuzo has a message for you - keep moving forward, keep waking up each morning and pushing on. Have persistence; believe your season of pain and struggle will end. Through challenges big and small, you can make it through. There is hope for tomorrow
CNN news contributor Harris Faulkner, a smart, savvy woman of faith, has a new best-seller, "Faith Still Moves Mountains". In her book, Faulkner profiles stories from people who've experienced God's hand in their lives during very difficult times and crises. When we're feeling depleted, incapable, weak and hopeless, Faulkner's book reminds us that, in response to prayer, God can work through us and through others in circumstances we couldn't have imagined. In this podcast, Peter shares a dark time in his life when God stepped in through a most unlikely source.
2022 was a year of significant stress, loss and grief. Many people took on caregiving roles for loved ones without appreciating the physical and emotional toll it would take, leading to depletion of health and well-being. We've said it many times, "Self care is not selfish, it is essential," but caregivers must move beyond head knowledge to taking action. Patrick Cyuzuzo, one of our support staff for The Survivor's Guide to Life, experienced an extremely challenging health crisis during 2022. In an excerpt from a video (posted in entirety on our YouTube page), Patrick shares how he moves through adversity to resilience and growth through the power of positivity.
Born and raised in Rwanda. SEE, a Gospel and Inspirational artist, is a dedicated young man who is passionate about youth transformation, mental health, and the rise of Christ-centered youth through his music and his motivational speaking. In this special episode of The Survivor’s Guide to Life, SEE shares about some of the tragic and scary times of his life and how he was able to change his view of life so that he can look ahead to the future with hope and joy despite the many challenges he has faced.
A recent series of articles highlighting the destructive nature of relationships between narcissists and empaths has a direct bearing on caregivers and caregiver burnout. Attention-seeking narcissists, who use manipulation and exploitation to get their endless needs met, see selfless, giving empaths as the perfect people to meet those needs. Empaths seek people whose needs they can fill, often at their own expense and without appropriate boundaries or perspective about whether the other person's needs are legitimate. Caregiving is a calling for empaths. When a caregiver has a relationship with a narcissist, they can be quickly drained to the point of burnout. Awareness of these possible relationship dynamics, support and self-care are vitally important for caregivers to preserve their health and well-being.
Fragile individuals in need of caregiving can find it hard to ask for help or accept help when it's offered. Attitudes and fears can get in the way. Pride, shame, a fear of vulnerability, and a desire to remain independent can all play a part. Knowing someone who truly needs and deserves help to preserve their safety and well-being can present a challenge for someone who tries to facilitate caregiving services. Sensitivity and patience are needed to preserve the fragile individual's self-respect while not treading on their conflicted emotions.
On his recent visit to Canada, Pope Francis, visibly aging, set an example in word and action. His message was - we must all embrace our frailty and humanity, preserve the dignity of the elderly, and realize that each of us, regardless of age, is a fragile human being. From a profile in the New York Times article, "Pope Francis, Slowed by Aging, Finds Lessons in Frailty" (July 28, 2022), the Pope teaches that we are all beneficiaries when we care for and spend time with the elderly. In this podcast, we read excerpts from the article and share our conviction of the value of compassion and respect for the older members of our community who deserve our care.
Many people are experiencing significant pain and loss in our community and nation. The willingness to face our difficulties, and not run away - to be open and available to hear other people's pain - gives us a chance to heal, grow and experience a shared humanity with others who are suffering. Behind our fears of facing difficulties, health or financial challenges and other losses, is the ultimate fear of mortality. Not facing our fears, or running away, leads to acting destructively to ourselves and those around us.
We return to an article by Dr. Sunita Puri, a palliative medicine physician: "We Must Learn to Look at Grief, Even When We Want to Run Away" (New York Times, 2-23-22). The Covid-19 pandemic has bombarded our world with grief and loss. Dr. Puri writes, and we agree, that there is value in facing our own pain and mortality. We also have the valuable opportunity to relate to others' pain as fellow human beings, through witnessing their pain. As witnesses, we can have compassion for each other and come together to overcome conflict and division.
Caregivers across the country are suffering emotionally, deteriorating physically, and even getting injured, as Peter learns as he travels to Florida to spend Mother's Day with his 97-year-old mom, Pauline. As part of our new program, Lynn's Legacy: Caring for the Caregiver, we are committed to advocating for the physical, emotional, and mental well-being and resilience of our nation's over-stressed caregiving force. AARP, in their May Bulletin, offers an in-depth report on long-term family caregiving issues and we highlight a few of their key points.
Join us for a first-time screening of an informational video for our Lynn's Legacy: Caring for the Caregiver program. Also, we read from Patti Davis' caregiving memoir, "Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's". In this excerpt, Patti writes about a meaningful time near the end of her father's life when they recalled their shared faith.
In today's episode, we focus on the devastating experiences of spouses or partners in committed relationships who have lost a loved one. The intense grief following such a loss causes great distress and impacts physical health and well-being. Many people don't know how to handle and express their grief and need support, even when they don't reach out for help. We also return to Patti Davis' book, "Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's". While most of her memoir is on target with help for understanding and caring for someone with Alzheimer's, we disagree with her position (shared by others in the dementia community) that views affairs as appropriate self-care when one partner can no longer meet the other's physical needs. We share our conviction that such behavior is less than respectful and honoring to a beloved one.
The pandemic has been a wakeup call, challenging us to look at ourselves and our mortality. Dr. Sunita Puri, a palliative medicine physician, writes movingly of her work with dying patients and their families in "We Must Learn to Look at Grief, Even When We Want to Run Away" (New York Times, 2-23-22). Dr. Puri shares our firm conviction - that facing death and mortality without running away is an opportunity. She explains that "witnessing is essential" in her role as an end-of-life practitioner, and that witnessing "requires seeing another's pain as no different from our own." We also discuss another recent article, "Your Body Knows You're Burned Out, (New York Times, 2-15-22), which shares valuable information on another area of our expertise - the debilitating physical symptoms that can arise from unresolved stress.
We return to "Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's", Patti Davis' memoir of caring for her father during the last stages of his life. Davis clearly and powerfully describes the emotional challenges she faced as a caregiver to recognize and deal with her old family-related pain and disappointment. To be compassionately present for her father as an adult daughter, she found it necessary to face her childhood fear of her mother and her anger over having felt shut out of her father's life. All caregivers face similar emotional challenges as part of their work. Denying old, negative emotions - or indulging in them - or covering them up by only "performing" the role - can lead to caregiver depression, burnout and illness, and poor quality of care for their loved one. Refusing to come to grips with ourselves and our emotional history is also a lost opportunity for healing and growth to emotional maturity
Not all caregivers are able to open up, or fully describe, the "extraordinary reality" of caring for a loved one. Patti Davis, in her memoir "Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's", expresses clearly and eloquently her experience of caring for her father, Ronald Reagan. She is able to communicate the full range of emotions and challenges the experience put her through - anger, pain, loss, fear, hope and love. Patti found an opportunity to grow up, put aside old pain and resentments, and create a better relationship with her father in the present. She found creative ways to communicate and engage with her father, and help calm and comfort him in times of anxiety and distress.
In today's podcast, we profile Patti Davis, author of "Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's". Davis, the formerly rebellious daughter of Ronald Reagan, provides a powerful example of a person who turned her painful challenges into an opportunity for growth, resilience and purpose in life. On learning of her father's diagnosis of Alzheimer's, Patti resolved to actively care for her father for the remainder of his life. Davis is a gifted writer, blending her expertise on dementia with her own life experiences. She shares her difficult journey of overcoming old family pain and resentments to a personal deepening of forgiveness, compassion and love. After her father's death, Patti carried on a legacy of her experience by creating Beyond Alzheimer's, a network of support groups for caregivers and families of Alzheimer's sufferers.
We are coming to the end of a most difficult year. This podcast brings you our gifts of encouragement and hope for 2022. Most of all, we urge you to turn your challenges - even the overwhelming, frightening ones - into opportunities. To do this, we offer the concept of reframing and the necessity of action, moving forward, not running away or getting stuck in paralysis. Staying positive, taking one step at a time, learning the lessons, and having faith will help you turn your struggles into personal growth and resilience that can come to you in no other way than by living through and overcoming hard times.
We share encouragement and support for caregivers everywhere by reading portions of the strategic plan for "Lynn's Legacy: Caring for Caregivers". Whether caregivers realize it or not, they play leading roles in providing and managing care for their loved ones. Principles of leadership and resilience which can help sustain them are also found in "Type R: Transformative Resilience for Thriving in a Turbulent World", by Ama and Stephanie Marston, and in a recent New York Times article, "4 Ways to Cultivate Resilience in 2022", by Emily Sohn. Again in this episode, we stress the vital importance of self-care and collaborative teamwork.
Today's podcast emphasizes our conviction that hope is found in taking action. We continue to revisit "Type R: Transformative Resilience for Thriving in a Turbulent World", by Ama and Stephanie Marston, reviewing the skill of Active Engagement. We introduce and explain the six stages the Marstons identify for "turning adversity into growth". They are: 1) The Comfort Zone, or safety zone, when everything is familiar and unchanged, 2) Disruption, when change comes into our lives, 3) Chaos, a transitional state in which we have little control and yet must stay open to the process, 4) Catalyst, when an "aha moment" or glimpse of something new occurs, 5) Integration, a hopeful time of experimentation and creativity, and 6) Renewal, when we arrive at new confidence and competence, with a new sense of identity.
We revisit "Type R: Transformative Resilience for Thriving in a Turbulent World", by Ama and Stephanie Marston, focusing on the skill of Active Engagement. When we started our podcast three years ago, we spent several episodes sharing key concepts from "Type R". Transformative resilience, according to the Marstons (and we agree) stresses that the kind of resilience we need to thrive in these challenging times is not the ability to "bounce back" but to "learn, grow, and spring forward". Active Engagement is the willingness to take on our difficult challenges and troubling emotions, work through them, learn from them, and act on what we've learned. It takes courage, objectivity to assess where we are and what changes to make, openness to new possibilities, patience to respond rather than react to people and events, emotional hygiene to clear away negative emotions, and hope to enable us to see adversity as a source of opportunity rather than threat.
We're excited to share a new initiative by our sponsor, Sonoma Coast Trauma Treatment, in support of caregivers and the vitally important caregiving profession. SCTT is launching a new strategic plan with the goal to provide education, support, training and resources for caregivers, to promote resilience and help prevent burnout. This effort will draw in part on unique, successful programs offered at the Bernstein Institute. In this podcast, we review portions of the strategic plan and share content from our caregiver support programs. The need for caregivers will grow dramatically in the future. Preserving the health and well-being of those willing to serve in this demanding profession is imperative.
This podcast episode explores the hardships and rewards of being a caregiver through the lens of two recent articles of note. "Long Hours, Low Pay, Loneliness and a Booming Industry", published by the New York Times, profiles the difficult life and Covid-related death of two New York caregivers, and throws some light on the questionable practices of the caregiving industry in that state. In the Wall Street Journal, Patti Davis shares her transition from "getting so many things wrong" in her life to discovering her own "strength and capacity for compassion" in "Patti Davis Has Wisdom to Share With Alzheimer's Caregivers". We add our thoughts, insight and encouragement to caregivers (and potential caregivers) everywhere.
Caregivers serve others in a stressful reality of suffering, disability, crisis, sickness, and death. The caregiving experience places emotional burdens on caregivers, and these experiences often stimulate painful, unresolved emotions from the caregiver's past. To release these old, stored negative emotions, it's essential for caregivers to learn to tune in to their bodies. Trapped emotions give clues to their presence in physical sensations. Awareness of these sensations - patterns that can be unique for each individual - can help caregivers resolve and recover from past pain and trauma. The opportunity for growth and resilience comes from resolving and healing old wounds.
Caregivers - needed now more than ever - experience physical, emotional and psychological burdens as they empathetically serve those who are sick, disabled or dying. The toll these stresses take can result in depletion and ultimately caregiver burnout. Effective self-care protocols for caregivers are essential for resilience and longevity. From our caregiver training manual, we describe the stages and warning signs from stress to burnout. We introduce the concept of "energy exchange" and its potential contribution to caregiver distress. We also talk about the importance of caregiver awareness of their physical, bodily sensations and the clues these sensations give for releasing stress and restoring well-being.
The need for caregiving - by medical personnel, first responders, family members and paid caregivers - is increasing astronomically but high stress work situations, low pay, and lack of support and respect for the profession is putting caregivers at risk across the country. The nature of caregiving with its intense commitment to giving selflessly, while working in the extraordinary reality of suffering, sickness and death, takes a toll on caregivers' minds and bodies. Caregivers are burning out and breaking down physically. Our guest, missionary and caregiver John Sullivan joins us for a discussion of this topic with suggestions for how to help caregivers become more resilient in their calling.
Life isn't linear, transitioning smoothly from childhood, to career, to parenting and eventually to retirement. Major transitions - significant life changes - can and do happen at any time. Sometimes several changes happen at once and can leave us feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Every one of us is now experiencing at least one major life change - the Covid pandemic. Many of us are also being hit at the same time with other challenges of loss, grief and dislocation. How do we successfully navigate times of transition? We start by choosing to engage with our challenges, accept and deal responsibly with our intense emotions, and focus on what is most important. Gratitude - even for the little things - and hope are essential.
The Covid19 crisis is easing. Variants are still with us, Long Covid with its spectrum of lingering physical symptoms is affecting up to a quarter of the population, and residual emotional symptoms of distrust, negativity and fear are widespread. What should we do? This is a good time to take a deep, honest look at ourselves. Who are you now? What have you learned? Don't use this inner look as fuel for either self-pity or self-condemnation. Start to answer the questions, What matters most to me? Are my priorities where they should be? Could I handle aspects of my life better or make different choices? As you take a look inside, have compassion and acceptance for the parts of yourself that need work. Don't let negative emotionality run your show. The hard times we're going through can become an opportunity for change and a chance to develop resilience for the challenges to come.
Vaccination rates are up, infection rates are down, restrictions are easing - after over a year of COVID pandemic life, the White House is declaring this the "summer of freedom, summer of joy". Many of the activities we've missed, such as vacation travel and gathering with extended family are now more possible. But is feeling "joy" the whole picture? Not entirely. For medical professionals and first responders, already overstressed and depleted in numbers, Covid variants are once again creating heavy caseloads. For everyone else, the toll from the pandemic, the burdens of grief we still carry, and the intense emotions and stress are still with us. Healing and resilience will take time.
Millions of Americans have suffered serious losses over the last year, including the death of loved ones and the loss of jobs and finances. Related articles appear in the news and online, the losses and grief are real, and yet how often do people talk openly about their painful experiences? Peter shares how to relate to others in a genuine way, sincerely wanting to know how they're doing, giving them permission to express their grief. Sometimes, when grief is intense, people need to be able to say "not now." At other times, coming alongside as a fellow human being offering compassion from the heart, not posing or performing, can provide an meaningful opportunity for hope and healing.
As we begin to recover from the Covid pandemic, millions across our country are grieving the death of loved ones. Our experience of bereavement is affected by many things - whether our loved one died isolated in a living facility or at home in the care of family, whether our relationships were troubled or loving, or if we have other losses in the present or arising again out of the past. The truth is that in every circumstance, grief is both painful and an opportunity. As we grieve, we can work through old and present losses, deal with regrets and remorse, resolve old disappointments and conflict, and remember the best from those we've loved and lost. Their legacy to us can help us learn and grow to find a deeper understanding of what matters most in life.
We grieve the recent passing of Lynn Bernstein, knowing that millions of people continue to grieve for loved ones lost during the Covid-19 pandemic. Grief in losing someone we love - bereavement - is one of the deepest pains we will ever know. Each of us will experience grief in uniquely individual ways, both emotional and physical. Our culture tends to avoid recognizing the value of grieving. Efforts to avoid the intense feelings of loss in grief lead to negative patterns of behavior, including self-medicating, addictive tendencies to bury the pain. Being willing to feel and work through the pain of bereavement can lead ultimately to healing, renewal and flourishing.
On April 12, 2021, Peter's wife Lynn passed away at home, surrounded by those who loved her. In this episode, Peter shares his experience of intense grief over Lynn in the desire to help and encourage the many others grieving loved ones now. The Covid pandemic alone has taken the lives of over 550,000 Americans. Millions worldwide are grieving for lost loved ones. Peter's fear was that he would not be able to function after Lynn's death. He is finding that, with God's help and strength, he can carry on his work as he grieves. Grief has emotional, mental and physical aspects that bring up memories, cause intense sadness, bodily aches and other symptoms. Peter feels, most of all, that the time of grieving is a time to focus on what matters most in life - love, truth, serving others, gratitude, and accepting our humanity. We close this episode with suggestions for how to sensitively express compassion for those who grieve.
In hard times, good leadership is critically important. Surprisingly, studies show that brilliance alone does not usually make someone a good leader. Grit, hardiness, and a willingness to embrace challenges as opportunities are qualities which set apart good leaders from bad ones. How does someone develop grit? During a crisis, people can allow themselves to be paralyzed from feelings of panic and insecurity. Grit is the internal determination to move beyond paralysis, to make needed changes, and to look at any weaknesses that have been exposed and reevaluate. A useful image of a leader with grit is a drill sergeant. Peter shares his experience of Army basic training and his complex relationships with his drill sergeants. Ultimately, he came to realize that their harsh approach came from a place of caring concern. He needed to be prepared - and develop grit - for what was coming in Vietnam
In hard times, good leadership is critically important. In this episode, Peter shares from his personal experience of learning the qualities of a good leader. From an early age, Peter was expected to take a leading role in his family's construction business. His desire to learn benefited from both positive and negative examples of leadership. Brutal treatment at home and on the streets sharpened his survival skills and gave him a heart to protect others from victimization, exploitation and prejudice. He communicated to his employees that they mattered, gaining their respect and appreciation. He worked to develop strength in those he led, to build their confidence and abilities. He encouraged them to rise to difficult challenges and grow. In our next episode, Peter will share how he has continued to motivate and enable others to take on painful and difficult challenges in the face of adversity.
Times of crisis separate good from bad leaders. In this episode, we continue to define the qualities of a good leader. An ability and willingness to innovate in response to difficult times is one mark of a good leader. Innovation and creativity - responding effectively to new and changing situations - means not falling back on old coping mechanisms which may be inappropriate for the current challenge. This requires leaders to confront their limitations. In critical situations, do they let emotions cloud their perspective? Are they unwilling to take risks? Can they reexamine their priorities? Are they hiding behind a proscribed role? Will they look out for the people depending on them or become self-absorbed? Good leaders display courage and strength in dealing with themselves so that others may follow their example.
Times of crisis separate good from bad leaders. Leaders who give in to the temptation to abdicate and run away from their responsibilities fail the people depending on them. Good leaders do the opposite - they stay the course through adversity to continue to guide and provide for others. In this episode, we explore several types of leadership and begin to define the qualities of a good leader. In Peter's view, good leaders accept and value their own humanity. They are transparent, giving the people around them permission to also be human and learn from the leader's wisdom and experience. Good leaders recognize and develop the talents of those on their team, helping them become the best they can be. Good leaders also hold on to courage and hope, deal decisively with their negative emotions, are willing to sacrifice for those depending on them, and take responsibility in their roles without excuses. In our next episode, we'll cover other qualities of a good leader, including being innovative and creative
True self-care is essential for everyone experiencing stress and adversity. Leaders, caregivers, first responders, parents - anyone on whom others depend for direction and support - have a greater responsibility to discern between legitimate avenues for self-care and negative self-indulgence. Attitudes and actions which are primarily self-protective shortcuts to avoid responsibility and personal risk are not self-care. In hard times, leaders must balance issues of safety and risk, becoming creative in order to respond to the needs of the people counting on them. Allowing fear and other negative emotions to contaminate your perspective, hiding out behind rules and restrictions, will cause a leader to fail. In our next podcast, we'll continue on this theme with tools to help leaders respond courageously and creatively in a crisis.
Covid vaccines are becoming more available, and yet times are still very difficult for us all. For front line medical personnel dealing with our pandemic, the heavy stress and burdens of providing care are leading to illnesses, family life difficulties and burnout. Self-care is essential for all caregivers to preserve their health and ability to care for others. Many caregivers know the crucial importance of self-care, but neglect themselves anyway. What gets in the way? Misconceptions and negative attitudes are part of the picture. Caregivers can feel that self-care is selfish, set unrealistic expectations for themselves, or have conflicted motivations. Accepting what we can and can't control for those we care for is a frequent challenge. It's essential for stressed caregivers to become aware of the depleting effects of their work, to be honest, recognize and admit the toll their work takes on them, and do something about it. Seeking solutions, setting aside specific time for self-care, finding support and fighting isolation are necessary to preserve resilience
While there is hope for a better year in 2021, the Covid crisis has been devastating in loss of life and loss of income for many. Without being insensitive to this reality, we see reason for hope. People are starting to get back on their feet. We can all come out of this time for the better. Our crisis has been a time to reevaluate, to see where we've invested our lives. Have we emphasized the tangibles - our job, status, financial security - or have we recognized the value of intangibles - caring, empathy, love for each other, a meaningful and purposeful life? Let us encourage you. A focus on the intangibles will make it possible to positively respond to the opportunities of our hard times with resilience and a hopeful outlook. We also review several of our lessons for surviving in hard times, particularly the third lesson - "Deal with reality but recognize that facts aren't the complete reality".
We continue to live in a tumultuous time of transition, of political, financial, and personal disruption and change. What does it take to successfully navigate these times? Those who are gifted or well-trained in only one part of life will discover their need for broader skills for resilience. Very early in his career, golfer Tiger Woods became a dominant and highly successful player and a wealthy man. Then his personal life came apart. A new HBO documentary traces Tiger's path from a highly-trained prodigy to a man spiraling out of control, before finding a more honest and fulfilling life. What can we learn from Tiger's experiences and choices to help us find resilience in difficult times? Peter and Jenny share some insights on transition and resilience.
The old year, 2020 is over; 2021 begins. We are still in the midst of a complicated, difficult time. How can we create resilience and success in our lives in this new year? Peter and Jenny suggest a series of essential steps to take. In this podcast, we cover five important principles. We explain the value and necessity of: 1) self-care; 2) seeing the massive transition we're all in as a time for change; 3) slowing down; 4) refusing to give in to strong emotions of fear and discouragement; and 5) knowing the facts of our current situation but not losing track of the bigger picture and the opportunities that present themselves. In future podcasts, we'll cover more positive steps to take in 2021.
Athletes who have trained themselves to endure the greatest mental and physical challenges can teach us a lot about how to survive the marathon that is COVID19. Physical pain and mental discouragement are the enemy of an elite athlete who wants to perform at the peak of his or her abilities. What attitude or mindset do extreme athletes find necessary to prevent failure and self-sabotage? We interview Asher Smiley, owner of Krav Maga Revolution in Petaluma. Krav Maga is a self-defense technique developed by the Israeli Defense Force to respond immediately and effectively to real-life threats of violence. How does Asher mentally and physically approach his discipline? How does he teach it to others? Join us for lessons which can help you develop your own mental toughness to better survive in our COVID world. Krav Maga Revolution - https://kravmagarevolution.com/ Build Mental Endurance Like A Pro – Pandemic Advice From Athletes – The New York Times (nytimes.com) https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/07/well/mind/athletes-pandemic-advice.html?searchResultPosition=1
This has been a year of uncertainty, sickness, loss and grief. Dr. Peter Bernstein reminds us that one of the best ways to heal from painful losses is to step out of ourselves and think of others. The core of fulfillment is giving from the heart to those around us who need our support. In giving, we find joy. Peter also encourages us all to hold on to hope for the future.
In a special holiday message, Peter stresses the importance of focusing on what really matters during this time: the priority of the spiritual over the material aspects of life; compassionate giving to others; caring for ourselves; and taking time to cherish the lighter moments of joy and hope.
Creating a meaningful holiday gathering this year can benefit from early planning. Talk to those you love and listen to their desires and concerns. Balance safety with an opportunity to connect with family and friends by staying non-judgmental, allowing everyone to set boundaries consistent with their values and priorities. In this podcast, we include suggestions for new ways to celebrate during the COVID pandemic - using Zoom, simplifying meal preparation, supporting local restaurants, and sharing what you're grateful for in actions as well as words. Find a way to include joy in your celebration, being willing to forgive generously during this difficult time.
Viewers of the Survivor's Guide to Life on YouTube won't be surprised to hear that Peter is a gym rat. Jenny doesn't miss a workout, either. Dedication to exercise and fitness is an essential part of our self-care. The familiar phrase, "No pain, no gain" carries a kernel of truth - to build physical strength and stamina, workouts that lead to some muscle soreness are necessary. The same truth applies emotional fitness, or resilience, hence our podcast theme, "Know Pain, Know Gain". Adversity, struggles and hard times bring pain into our lives on a personal, emotional level. Embracing painful challenges gives us the opportunity to grow as individuals. We can gain wisdom and strength of character, a deeper appreciation of life, and a more hopeful outlook
Join Peter and Jenny for a video conversation with Thamahr Alexis-Woon. Thamahr is an Army veteran who has practiced her 20-year nursing profession in pediatrics, corrections, and now hospice care with Vitas Healthcare in Tamarac, Florida. Among her many patients, Thamahr provides loving care to Pauline Bernstein, Peter's 95-year-old mother. Thamahr is married to Al Woon and is a devoted mother to daughters Natanya and Mikailah. During our conversation, Thamahr spoke genuinely and eloquently about the rewards and hardships of serving with hospice. She shares the very personal experience which convinced her of the value of hospice at end-of-life for both patients and their families - and how it led to her commitment to this calling on her life. Thamahr is a woman of faith and treasures her family, both of which play an important part in her self-care.
With the COVID crisis, jobs are disappearing and established businesses are going under. Could it possibly be the right move to start a new business during economic hard times? Peter and Jenny propose just that. Reinventing yourself as an entrepreneur and following a dream, while carrying risks, can also bring great rewards. It is possible to do well while doing good - establishing a fulfilling way to support yourself financially while serving the needs of your community. In the first segment of this podcast, Peter and Jenny refer to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal profiling new business startups. We highlight the key aspects of life as an entrepreneur, such as getting outside your comfort zone to grow and recover aspects of yourself and your abilities that you may have lost. In the second segment, we share from our own writings and experiences of entrepreneurship. We stress the importance of being a self-starter and seeking good mentors as necessary for success. Our discussion during the third segment includes how desperation can lead to valuable sparks of creativity and the importance of faith and trust to step out and face the unknown. Questions from our final segment: 1) Is it possible to become more entrepreneurial while working for someone else?, 2) In exploring new business ideas, how can you tell when doors of opportunity are open or closed?, and 3) What does Peter mean when he says that entrepreneurs "find parts of themselves they lost while working for others"?
In hard times, you can be forced to examine your life focus and priorities. If you've tended to define success and self-worth by the amount of your wealth and material possessions, you can find that these resources aren't enough to personally sustain you through a crisis. Other resources are needed, as well as a better balance between the "tangibles" and "intangibles". From a blog post written during the Great Recession, Peter and Jenny draw a parallel to today's pandemic and economic crisis. Our culture can overemphasize money and wealth. What is the best way to measure success, progress, and self-worth? In the first segment of this podcast, Peter and Jenny introduce our topic and highlight key issues. In the second segment, we share another portion of our recent conversation with singer, songwriter, missionary and international aid worker Randy Mayfield. Which personal qualities and values has Randy seen refugees in the Middle East and Africa make a priority in hard times? How do they respond and cope while experiencing deprivation and atrocities? Our discussion during the third segment includes thoughts on the personal qualities necessary to sustain ourselves and succeed during hard times. We talk about feelings of "impoverishment" and what they can really mean. What will help us become truly resilient? Questions from our final segment: 1) How is it that money can come to represent so many things - like status, security, or love?, 2) Why does our American culture place such an emphasis on money and wealth?, and 3) What are the more meaningful ways to measure personal success and self-worth?
Randy Mayfield: https://www.randymayfield.com/
In early fall of 2009, the swine flu added another hardship for Americans struggling through the Great Recession. Recommendations by health authorities at that time were much the same as today - frequent handwashing and limited contact with anyone who might be carrying the virus. Peter and Jenny revisit a somewhat humorous but to-the-point blog post written during that time. Fear can be just as contagious as a virus - and sometimes just as destructive. In the first segment of this podcast, Peter and Jenny review the similarities between the challenges of 2009 and today, and the emotions that can complicate any time of difficulty. In the second segment, we share the original blog, "Another Epidemic: The 'Fear' Flu", and begin to explore the differences between "worry" and "concern". Defining the important differences between worry and concern forms the topic of our third segment, along with practical suggestions for making positive choices in hard times, acting from a place of concern. Questions from our final segment: 1)Briefly, to review, what are the key differences between worry and concern?, 2) How can emotions complicate our ability to stop worrying and act from a place of concern?, and 3) How can we best share our struggles, compassion and concern with others during hard times, without spreading fear and negativity?
The "blessing of urgency" is a way of looking at our challenging situation as an opportunity for change, to be creative and try new things, to find new ways to overcome the difficulties we are facing. In the midst of a long-running crisis, an extended vacation may not be possible. Setting aside time for a "mini-vacation" - a break to enjoy something distracting and refreshing - can help us restore our energy and perspective. In the first segment of this podcast, Peter and Jenny give an update on the extraordinary reality we are living through now and re-introduce Randy Mayfield, a singer, songwriter, pastor and coordinator of relief missions in Europe, Africa and the Middle East. In the second segment, we share part of a recent Zoom conversation with Randy in which he explains how the pandemic-necessitated cancellation of his work and travel plans resulted in new, more expansive opportunities to help people around the world - a definite "blessing from urgency". Mini-vacations are the topic of our third segment - we explain how to take a "mini-vacation" and why they are so important for self-care and resilience. Questions from our final segment: 1) How can a mini-vacation refresh us if, by the time we stop to take one, we are completely exhausted?, 2) Can a mini-vacation help us recognize when it's time to make changes in our lives?, and 3) Fifty years ago this month, a very urgent situation led Peter to make big changes in his life. Have these changes turned out to be a blessing?
Crises urgently call for responses based on strength, skill and clear thinking. Even in the worst of times, correctly handling ourselves and our emotions can bring about good changes. In the first segment of this podcast, Peter and Jenny describe the nature of crisis, what it can feel like, and the body's stress response mechanism. In the second segment, we explain the complications that previous, unresolved crisis or trauma experiences add to a current crisis. Our third segment sheds some light on the way the stress of a crisis can either bring out the worst, or the best in each of us - it's up to us to choose. Our questions segment covers practical ways to respond effectively in a crisis: 1) How can you focus on the beneficial abilities and strengths you do have?, 2) Why is it important to take one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time?, and 3) Why is it unhelpful to think about what you can't do and how can you shift your focus to what you can do?
Is it always best to try to avoid pain and trauma, or can the experience of suffering be of lasting value? Philosophers, sociologists, soldiers, holocaust victims, and ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances have debated this question. Two trains of thought exist: extreme suffering wounds the mind and soul beyond the possibility of real recovery; or pain and trauma, accepted and worked through, can provide wisdom, hardiness, a sense of purpose, and empathy for our fellow man. This question on the value of suffering directly affects the treatment approaches to PTS - is it a mental disorder to be managed, or an appropriate moral response to horrific experiences from which people can grow and heal? Peter and Jenny believe that suffering can lead to growth in character and resilience and share their convictions from experience. Questions & Answers: 1) Some believe it's too much to ask, and an insult to others who have suffered, to say that post-traumatic growth is possible. Is this "misguided compassion"?, 2) If so, what would real compassion for sufferers of pain and hardship look like?, and 3) Is rejecting the possibility of growth after pain a type of personal "collapse"? In what way would this be a loss and a handicap?
It can be too easy to get stuck in a negative mindset during hard times. We are limited and human, unable to control all that we'd like to, and our negative emotions and reactions can be triggered and take over. It's important to start by developing an awareness of when anger, fear or despair build up in our minds and bodies. We can then make deliberate changes to shift our outlook to a more compassionate approach to ourselves and to those around us. Essential steps in this process include slowing down and tuning in to yourself, recognizing the way negativity wastes needed energy, and also recognizing the way negativity robs us of the things we most value in our lives. Peter and Jenny answer the questions: 1) Is making the shift from a negative mindset to a positive one a matter of willpower, of just trying harder?, 2) If difficult life situations leave us feeling unable to care for others, or even ourselves, shouldn't we feel shame?, and 3) What will we miss out on, and regret, by staying stuck in anger and resentment during hard times?
How can we keep a clear head in a crisis, so that we can respond effectively? "Trusting your intuition" doesn't always steer us in the right direction. Overwhelming emotions in the present and unresolved troubling emotions from the past can interfere with our ability to read current situations and take positive action. We all need to be able to tune in to ourselves and our emotional states, reading the cues in our minds and bodies. With these awarenesses, we can shift from anger, fear and sadness (directed towards others or ourselves), to compassion and empathy and a more peaceful outlook during hard times. Questions Peter and Jenny answer: 1) How can we shift from intense emotions of anger and fear to feelings of compassion and empathy?, 2) What are ways to diffuse and work through intense, negative emotions?, and 3) What can help people who deeply fear, when bad times come, that they won't be OK and won't recover from the losses they are experiencing?
What do we need to do first when a crisis hits? Which attitudes and behaviors give us the best chance to successfully navigate the difficult times ahead? The best first step to take, Peter and Jenny explain, is to recognize and accept our humanity and limitations. What has worked for us in the past may not be enough for this new challenge. With hope, and a willingness to learn we can start transitioning into the unknown future. In this episode, Peter and Jenny answer three questions: 1) When a crisis hits, is it best to put off decisions or to act quickly?, 2) How can our intuition about which actions to take in a crisis get "contaminated"?, and 3) Is it possible to handle a crisis on your own?
The pandemic is bringing changes into our lives over which we have little control. If we've expected life to move in a smooth, linear way from one stage to the next, we've set ourselves up for disappointment. We can't always choose our circumstances but we can choose how we respond. By accepting the need for change and responding with strength and courage, we can rewrite our life stories, casting ourselves in the role of hero. Patrick Cyuzuzo, a young man from Rwanda who was orphaned very young, rewrote his life story and shares a message of hope and gratitude in this episode. Patrick survived horrific experiences by making the choice to work hard and find a way to a better life. We answer three questions: 1) What does Patrick mean when he says he was able to "adopt the real me", and what could that mean for each of us?, 2) How did Patrick use "powerful decisions" to survive and change his life?, and 3) What is most important for all of us to take away from Patrick's message?
Our first reactions to a crisis involve our emotions. How we deal with our fear, sadness, and anger can either complicate our difficulties or give us energy to get creative and find solutions. With experience, we can prevent our powerful emotions from leading to destructive actions or paralysis. Instead, we can use them to try new solutions, learn and make forward progress. If we expect our lives to follow an orderly, linear path of change, we will be disappointed and less able to respond with resilience. This podcast answers the questions: Which attitudes best help us deal with crisis and change, and which attitude gets in the way? Which stage of crisis and transition has been hardest for us and how did we deal with it? And, is it really possible to gain real, practical meaning and purpose from our experiences of adversity?
For everyone, life brings a series of challenges and disruptions to our careers, health, and relationships. Sometimes several challenges arrive at once, producing a crisis. If we expect life to follow a predictable line from one stage to another, we're going to be in for a shock. It is possible to survive and grow through hard times if we accept that our lives will change and don't become overwhelmed by our emotions. Life transitions involve letting go, or "saying goodbye", working through all the challenges and issues involved, or "the messy middle", and embracing a new way of life and a new self. In letting go of what no longer serves us, we are able to become creative and find new opportunities
It is possible not only to survive during difficult times but to grow and emerge with greater meaning and purpose in life. First, we must be willing to look closely at ourselves and face our shortcomings and limitations. We must accept our losses and recognize and decompress our intense emotions without becoming driven by them. Next, by examining our priorities and values - the "tangibles" versus the "intangibles" - we can redirect our lives in more authentic and compassionate ways. We also need to explore the spiritual side of our lives and identify new directions for our calling in life.
In the midst of a crisis we are forced to confront ourselves and our limitations. Will we let our negative emotions of fear and anger get the best of us? Will we place our priorities on material, tangible possessions - wealth, security, and status - or the precious intangible things in life - compassion for others, honesty, and finding a calling in life? To come through hard times, we need faith that we can find the answers and help we need to survive and grow. There are practical steps we can take to have hope, gain strength, and find resilience.
Resilience isn't a talent the lucky few are born with. Everyone who goes through adversity can become more resilient if they hold on to hope and a willingness to learn new skills. Difficult times - when life feels out of our control - call on us to feel our pain and loss and face our limitations. If we don't let destructive emotions, such as anger, fear, and sadness take over we can make positive choices to address our difficult situation. We can learn to keep a positive, realistic attitude, stay true to our personal values, find purpose and meaning in something bigger than ourselves, and reach out to others. We can recognize and accept what we can't change and act to change those things we can. We can lean for support on others who play an important role in our lives.
We will all experience adversity in life - whether it comes from an inescapable event such as the virus pandemic, or whether it comes into our lives as a result of our individual choices and circumstances. How can we respond successfully in times of difficulty, change and uncertainty? Four approaches that don't work: trying "business as usual"; avoiding the problem; thinking there's only one solution; and believing you either have the talent to succeed or you don't. What does work: facing adversity and embracing our limitations; learning the lessons in our difficult situations; getting creative and drawing on past experience; developing the quality of "grit"; and responding to others who are suffering with empathy and compassion.
It is possible to experience happiness - positive feelings and moments - during the darkest of times. Not to be confused with an artificial pretense of glee, this deeper, more meaningful happiness depends on making deliberate efforts to grow and become more resilient in hard times. Realistic, meaningful happiness is possible when we allow ourselves to feel our painful emotions, then remember what matters most to us and act on it. We can reach out to others, practice self-care activities that meet our unique needs, treasure fond memories, and find pleasure in everyday positive moments - including the powerful uplift of listening to music we love.
The mounting stress from our COVID-19 pandemic - the threat of sickness and death combined with the financial downturn and loss of income for so many - is taking a toll on us all physically and emotionally. A buildup of fear, grief, frustration and anger due to the virus is a contributing factor in the intense reactions and violence following the tragic murder of George Floyd. Everyone is experiencing the trauma-induced emotional charge that caregivers and first responders take on as part of the extraordinary reality of their professions. Learning to discharge overwhelming and negative emotions is essential to prevent burnout and destructive or self-destructive behavior. Practical skills for releasing intense emotions from the body are a necessary part of self-care.
Our COVID-19 extraordinary reality is a daily fact of life for loving caregivers of service members and veterans. On Memorial Day, we honor their sacrifices and are inspired by their courage and selfless acts of caregiving. How do they keep going, finding fulfillment while they mature and thrive? Caregivers' source of motivation can make a big difference - whether they are seeking fulfillment in external or internal rewards. Connecting with personal, internal or intrinsic goals, combined with solid practices of self-care, provides military caregivers the strength they need to continue to meet the challenges they face.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, we all live in an extraordinary reality of life and death on the line. Medical professionals and first responders, particularly, experience intense encounters with death and dying on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. The self-reliant, warrior approach these professionals often take can lead to high burdens of unrelieved stress, PTS, burnout, and even suicide. Pausing to express grief or relieve stress through self-care will not incapacitate or weaken our doctors, nurses, and other first responders, as they often fear. Instead, it can restore their health and resilience. In facing their own mortality, they also have an opportunity to connect more deeply with their life's purpose and what matters most. This opportunity is available for us all, as the pandemic reminds each of us of our own mortality.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, we all live in an extraordinary reality of life and death on the line. First responders - caregivers, EMTs, firefighters, law enforcement, military, and medical personnel - live and work in this environment on a daily basis. Unless addressed with self-care, the effects of first responder traumatic stress can result in physical illness, PTS, relationship issues, and burnout. For everyone now experiencing our crisis to stay healthy, the energy charge of stress must ultimately be decompressed and managed, not buried. A key skill to practice includes the metaphor of pushing the "pause button" during critical situations.
Beneath the fear of illness or death that we feel during the COVID-19 pandemic - whether we acknowledge it or not - is the fear of our own mortality. Some of us may die as a result of the coronavirus, but we will all die sometime. What do we lose by denying or distracting ourselves from this reality? For those who ask the "big" questions of life, acceptance of dying and death can lead to answers. What is my purpose in life? What really matters? What does it mean to be a good person? How can I find fulfillment? Facing dying and death gives us a perspective on the value of truth and honesty, selfless love and empathy, generosity and gratitude, dignity and freedom. It gives us the ability to hope, have faith and persevere in the face of adversity.
Beneath the fear of illness or death that we feel during the COVID-19 pandemic - whether we acknowledge it or not - is the fear of our own mortality. Some of us may die as a result of the coronavirus, but we will all die sometime. Spiritual practices of the past have included ways to prepare for and accept the end of life. People sometimes believe a quick and painless death is preferable. These old spiritual practices, however, acknowledge the value of having time to get ready to relinquish life and loved ones. With honesty and a willingness to accept our mortality, we can realize what is really important in life and stop worrying about the things that don't matter. We can let go of pride and see the real, lasting value of love, empathy, and helping others.
We continue in our "extraordinary reality" of the COVID-19 pandemic, the daily experience of possible death, illness, and financial uncertainty. How can we best deal with our fears? Will we give in to debilitating fear or will we channel our fear into healthy, self-preserving attitudes and activity? By being open and vulnerable about our situation, neither avoiding or pretending, we can get help and learn how to manage ourselves and our emotions and take positive action. As the experience of being able to survive and get through a crisis becomes more familiar, we become more confident and resilient in facing future adversity.
We remain in the critical initial stage of the COVID-19 pandemic, living in survival mode. We need to stay aware, in our "extraordinary reality", of the possible buildup of negative emotions of fear and panic which can cloud our perspective and even threaten our physical health. Victor Frankl's values - productive work, love for others, and courage - can guide us to reach out and help others. These times can teach us, if we let them, to begin to lessen our focus on the "tangibles" - money, job security, material possessions - and embrace the "intangibles" - our relationships with those we love, compassion and empathy for others, and our individual spiritual practice.
The "extraordinary reality" common to caregivers and first responders - the experience each day of issues of life and death, crisis and loss of control - continues for every one of us during this COVID-19 pandemic. Our personal strengths and weaknesses are being exposed to others and to ourselves. As Victor Frankl observed, we cannot always choose our situation, but we can choose our responses. We can focus on productive work, love for others, and displaying courage in the face of fear and panic. We can focus on the truth of the humanity we share with a frightened and suffering world. Additionally, there are practical actions - recommended during this podcast - that will help us survive and live out the values Frankl cherished.
With the onset of the COVID-19 epidemic, the world has entered into a time of "extraordinary reality". This is the everyday reality inhabited by caregivers, service members and first responders - the experience, on a daily basis, of situations of life and death, crisis, and a lack of control over the outcome. These times tend to strip and expose our character, showing us where our real strengths and weaknesses lie. We can refuse to be fear-driven. We can hold on to hope that we will survive this very hard time. At some point, we may start to recognize that good things can find their beginning in times of adversity.
The COVID-19 crisis is a time of danger and great uncertainty. The threat of loss of health or life, often combined with a real loss of income, is creating a debilitating state of fear and dread. For people already carrying burdens of physical illness or traumatic emotional distress, the epidemic only exacerbates their fears. When it feels like survival is on the line, negative emotions of paranoia and hopelessness can cloud your perspective and start running the show. We offer valuable principles for survival and resilience to help guide you through this extremely difficult time
The Survivor's Guide to Life Podcast is an extension of Dr. Peter Bernstein's career: to help overcome the barriers people erect and the stigma they experience to face and work through pain and trauma. In an accessible, relatable format we offer tools and support to build resilience with empathy and maturity. Particularly for caregivers and first responders, professional skills and good intentions aren't enough to sustain a career of helping others in hard times. Self-care and dealing with the emotional and physical effects of their work are essential to prevent burnout.
Bernstein Institute staff member Hilloah Levy shares her personal journey to becoming an empathic, loving caregiver. An abusive upbringing left Hilloah resistant to helping care for her dying mother, to her now deep regret. She has since worked through her pain to find a calling and purpose in caring for others. "Carrying a grudge is poison," Hilloah believes. In taking the opportunity to heal, Hilloah had to "embrace the truth and do something about it." "I didn't like myself then," she shares, "and now I do. I wanted to be able to love. Now I can be the person I was meant to be."
Caregivers and first responders absorb the emotional pain of those they help and serve during suffering and crisis. This absorbed pain negatively affects their minds and bodies, as well as their relationships, in ways which can be addressed and resolved. Healing is possible for caregivers and first responders willing to go beyond attitudes of stigma, pride, invincibility, denial, or avoidance. The potential benefits are profound - better health, better relationships, personal resilience, and greater empathy for others.
It is possible to create a loving relationship which lasts through good times and bad. Individuals can develop an awareness of the troubling issues and behavior patterns which they bring to their relationships, often from their past history of stress and trauma. Unresolved painful experiences can lead to triggering, reenactment, and other defensive behaviors which interfere with intimacy and trust between partners. A commitment to personal integrity and selflessly taking responsibility for facing and resolving past trauma is essential for partners in loving relationships.
What does it take to create and sustain a loving relationship through good times and bad? What "basics" need to be in place and can they be learned? Couples can protect their relationships from life stresses - job, financial, health, accidents or other crises - and the personal stresses and baggage that each individual brings to the relationship, such as a past history of trauma. Pulling together, balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses, having personal integrity and awareness of individual baggage, and selflessly taking responsibility for not overburdening or taking advantage of a partner are all essential keys for caring relationships.
First responders serve in challenging situations which can trigger painful emotions and memories from their own histories of trauma. To be an effective first responder requires a measure of hardiness in adversity. But being a "tough guy" can get in the way of expressing and resolving the buildup of negative emotions and energy triggered under stress. Awareness of this energy buildup in the body, combined with effective ways to release it, help first responders preserve their health, their relationships, and their resilience.
First responders serve in stressful, sometimes traumatic situations which can impose heavy emotional burdens on themselves and their relationships. In addition, first responders usually have their own histories of pain and trauma which can be triggered by present-day, on-the-job experiences. By reacting in old, defensive or destructive patterns, first responders can create problems and conflict for themselves, their teammates, and loved ones. First responders are often unaware of the particularly destructive pattern called reenactment, which is related to the mind/body's desire to resolve and heal old emotional wounds.
First responders serve in stressful, sometimes overwhelming situations which can impose heavy emotional burdens on themselves and their relationships. The first responder culture has tended to stigmatize the need for acknowledging these painful emotions and releasing them. First responders may feel that they must stay in control at all times and avoid the vulnerability necessary for resolving their emotions. When they see vulnerability as a weakness or threat, their relationships will then be compromised by their inability to tolerate intimacy.
First responders and caregivers serve others in stressful, sometimes overwhelming situations. To preserve themselves, these empathic professionals need to become aware of the emotional burdens of their work and release them. Through transparency and genuineness with themselves and with the support of their teammates, caregivers and first responders can use effective self-care to avoid compassion fatigue and burnout. Compassionately caring for others in need often involves taking on and experiencing the negative energy of painful emotions. Acknowledging and releasing these emotions does not make someone unreliable. They can instead grow stronger, more effective and resilient, more able to take on greater challenges in their vital roles of service.
Death is an emotionally devastating event. To grieve is a natural response, and can bring healing and growth into our lives. We must allow ourselves to grieve, without denial, but also without becoming incapacitated and losing interest in life. It's also essential that we express our grief from ambiguous losses, such as when the person we love or care for may still be alive but our relationship has changed through dementia. For empathic caregivers, the burden of grief and ambiguous loss adds to the physical and emotional toll of their work and increases their need for awareness and self-care.
The death of a loved one and other significant losses are emotionally devastating events. To grieve is a natural response, and can bring healing and growth into our lives. Traditions, old and new, can bring honor and respect to this most human condition. We must allow ourselves to grieve, to not deny the agony of our loss, and reach out for support and acknowledgment. We also want to avoid prolonging the debilitating early stages of grief, and find the right time to start back into daily life.
Hope is essential for resilience. Maintaining nurturing relationships with others who have been through difficult times helps us hold on to hope when we're living with uncertainty. Empathetic people we trust can help us gain perspective on our attitudes, behaviors, and situations. They can help us understand what we can and can't control and guide us into making a more positive impact. With their support, we can connect more fully with what really matters during hardship and find new purpose.
Hope is essential for resilience. What does it mean to have real-world hope? When hard times come, do you believe you can get through them and that better times will come? Hope is a defense against despair and discouragement. It can give us energy to overcome adversity, a forward-looking attitude, resourcefulness, and meaning and purpose in our struggles.
Hope is essential for resilience. What does it mean to have real-world hope? How can we create and sustain a hopeful attitude during hard times? Dr. Peter Bernstein shares from his personal experience of holding on to hope through a lifetime of challenges. When situations are out of our control, when we'd like to say "poor me", when all our strengths and abilities don't seem to be making a difference in our adversity, what can we do? Join us for the start of a multi-episode discussion of how to have practical hope during hard times.
Singer, songwriter, pastor and missionary Randy Mayfield shares from his lifelong career of service to hurting people in Iraq, Syria, Ukraine, Kenya and around the world. What does it take to sustain a calling to bring practical help, empathy and hope to people and families in desperate situations? How can caregivers such as Randy recover from exhaustion, compassion fatigue, emotional triggering, survivor's guilt, and PTS? One essential, according to Randy: don't go it alone.
Caregiver, advocate, and author Mimi Amaral shares from her new Amazon bestseller, "Death: Before and After: A Survivor's Guide". Written from her personal caregiving experience following the death of her father, Mimi has created a concise and practical guide for anyone who has a family member or loved one nearing the end of life. Mimi covers medical and legal issues before and after death occurs, the dying process and what to expect, grief, family dynamics, and self-care. Mimi also includes helpful, inspiring and supportive testimonies from several individuals willing to share their struggles and experience in the death of a loved one.
First responders - EMTs, firefighters, and law enforcement - are exposed to stress and trauma as a regular part of their jobs. The impact of their work can lead to post-traumatic stress. Clinical approaches for their PTS, treating it as a disease or disorder, are not the answer. A full-spectrum approach is needed, including relief and recovery from both the emotional and physical fallout of experienced trauma. Aspects of self-care must take place on physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual levels. Empathetic and objective peer support can also be of value.
First responders - EMTs, firefighters, and law enforcement - are exposed to stress and trauma as a regular part of their jobs. Their commitment to serve involves caring for the sick, injured, dying and victims of crime and disaster. As caregivers in sometimes extreme adversity, the impact of their work can lead to post-traumatic stress. They need to learn and practice skills for decompressing and resolving emotional stress and use effective self-care. Unfortunately, many first responders see themselves as weak if they admit that their work has negatively affected them. Culture change and acceptance of their humanity are needed.
Emotional triggering brings up pain from the past which clouds our perspective. Triggering prevents us from relating and responding appropriately in the present to the people we care for. Developing an awareness of when we've been triggered by sensing internal changes in our "felt state", slowing down and returning to the present are constructive steps which can be learned and practiced. Resolving emotional triggering involves being gentle with ourselves, refusing to deny or resist our triggerings, getting curious about what triggers us and exploring our emotions and histories of painful or traumatic experiences. We can learn to respond positively rather than react negatively.
Compassionate, empathic people often feel called to a role that involves caring for others - such as caregivers, health professionals, or first responders. Such individuals, beyond their empathic nature, usually have personal histories that include suffering, trauma, and hardship. Caregivers' painful experiences give them even deeper sensitivities to the needs of others. Their histories also make it inevitable that they will be emotionally triggered in their caregiving roles. Managing and resolving emotional triggering is an essential skill which can be learned and practiced. Necessary steps include awareness, slowing down and gaining perspective, and a willingness to mentally and physically work through intense emotions.
Special guest Teresa Lyons, a registered nurse with Hospice of Petaluma, shares from her life and thirty years of experience caring for dying adults and children. We are a "death-denying culture", Teresa maintains, to our great loss. Facing our mortality, not running from end-of-life involvement with those we love, can reveal what is most valuable and important in life and relationships. Sustaining a decades-long career of empathic caregiving in deeply painful situations, such as Teresa's, takes skill and dedication, and attitudes of gratitude and hope.
Facing adversity - even for highly successful and accomplished caregivers and others - ultimately means having to face our limitations. Adversity, such as caring for a loved one, places caregivers in a situation where they do not have control and will reach the end of their abilities. To develop resilience, to respond to challenges with creativity, requires attitudes of acceptance, hope, a willingness to learn, and gratitude for the precious moments of life. It also requires the development of skills to recognize and release the buildup of stress and negative emotions. Some of these emotions can be redirected and harnessed to provide positive energy for change and growth.
The day-by-day world of caregiving is difficult, stressful, exhausting, depleting - and at the same time one of the greatest opportunities for a meaningful, fulfilling life of compassionate giving. How can empathic and sensitive caregivers prevent compassion fatigue and burnout? Effective self-care must include a deeper understanding of appropriate boundaries in caregiving, as well as how to manage and release painful emotions and not "tough it out". Unresolved personal emotional triggers and distress can result in caregiver depression, discouragement, physical ailments and disease.
Effective, resilient caregivers don't run away from the hard parts of life. Embracing adversity can shape us into the people we were meant to be. Painful experiences leave us with emotional burdens which must be felt, decompressed and resolved. Denying our hard times, or splitting off and disconnecting from them, can lead to unhealthy lives and relationships full of anger, sadness, guilt and resentment. Learning to read the signs of a buildup of emotional stress can help relieve compassion fatigue and avoid burnout.
Stress, painful experiences, and the burdens of caregiving can result in taking on negative energy and emotions that find a place in both the mind and the body. The hardships of life can seem unfair but they happen to us all. It is possible to release the negative emotions and energy that drain us of hope and a passion for life. Effective self care for both mind and body can get us back to being the person we want to be, able to nurture our lives and relationships, and help others.
Effective self-care addresses every aspect of an caregiver's life - emotional, physical, social, mental, and spiritual. Practices to support each of these areas must be put in place and acted on to avoid compassion fatigue and burnout. Compassionate caregivers are like sponges, absorbing pain from their care recipients, while depleting their energy in the act of selfless giving. They must tune in to their bodies and minds to release the absorbed pain, along with their own internal pain. They also need to recharge their energy reserves using self-care to stay resilient in their valuable profession.
Following a visit to a local Fijian caregivers group, Bernstein Institute staff member and caregiver Hilloah Levy joins our discussion of the stresses and potential rewards of caregiving. How can caregivers continue to sustain a nurturing relationship with their care recipients while taking sufficient care of themselves to prevent fatigue and burnout? Which practices can support a fulfilling and compassionate caregiving role, in spite of the many varied demands of the job combined with personal caregiver emotions and pain?
Internationally-recognized singer and songwriter Randy Mayfield (http://www.randymayfield.com/) joins us to share his experiences bringing aid to victims of ISIS terrorism on the border between Syria and Iraq. Randy participates in small teams, which include local workers, to bring supplies, support, music and hope to traumatized refugees, primarily Yazidis, living in extreme hardship. Serving as a caregiver in extraordinary circumstances has taken a personal toll on Randy and he generously shares his struggles to use self-care.
With special guest Mimi Amaral, we explore what it means to respond to the hardships that can come into our lives - to "face it, feel it, change it". Reacting to adversity by running away often leads to painful losses and regrets. Facing challenges can expose the parts of ourselves and our character which need to learn and grow. How do we remember these lessons when life gets easier again?
With special guest Mimi Amaral, we discuss the many painful challenges of caregiving for a loved one. To be a consistent, loving caregiver requires facing and dealing with emotions such as anger, fear, sadness and grief, and developing a sensitivity to how those emotions feel in the body. It requires a true dedication to self-care, including releasing those emotions through exercise, nutrition, rest, and avoiding sources of negative energy drain. Some of the practical issues caregivers must be familiar with include hospice or palliative care, medications, and family dynamics.
With special guest Mimi Amaral, we explore in depth the experience of adversity and suffering, and what it takes to heal and change. When painful life experiences strip us to our core, we have the opportunity to discover who we are and learn how to face our circumstances and respond without running away. We can't talk our way around our problems and expect to develop resiliency and strength - we must be willing to move forward and change. Also in this podcast, we discuss caregiving issues including the varying capacities for family members to take on caregiving roles and the high emotional and physical energy demands of caring for a loved one.
With special guest Mimi Amaral, we explore the experience of caregiving as a painful but valuable process to discover our essential humanity. Disease, disability and mortality in the lives of those we care for brings adversity into our own lives. This adversity can be an opportunity for us to grow stronger personally and more become more connected to others. Part of this journey of caregiving challenges us to accept that the things we feared most in life are really happening, embracing and adjusting to this truth, decompressing from the pain this introduces into our lives, and moving forward in hope and with help.
Struggles and difficulties come into the lives of every person. How do we find value in the experience of suffering? When pain enters our lives, rather than avoid or deny, we can face it and begin the process of accepting that we have no control, letting go, and grieving our losses. We will need to take time to reflect on what's happening to us, and then act responsively and constructively to the circumstances we find ourselves in. As we move through this difficult process, we can start to shift our prospective and grow to appreciate the good things in our lives that remain. Ultimately, in embracing our hardships, we can gain strength, resilience, and wisdom.
How do we become the person we were meant to be? Essential parts of this life journey include being willing to face and grow through adversity, develop the discipline of transformative resilience, and accept the challenge of providing compassionate care to someone who needs us. This process is neither simple nor easy. We will be required to face ourselves - our emotions, limitations, and painful histories. Everyone, especially caregivers, will need to deal constructively with their negative emotions of anger, fear and sadness, their emotional triggerings and their at times physical and emotional exhaustion. Being part of a supportive family or team helps, as well as maintaining an attitude of hope and a desire to learn and grow.
Pushing the "pause button" after being emotionally triggered helps everyone - including caregivers - stop reacting negatively to themselves and those they care for. Developing an awareness of triggered emotions such as anger, fear or sadness, makes it possible to "push the pause button" and then return, when the time is right, to resolve and learn from those emotions. How to push the pause button and resolve the emotions is a skill that can be learned, step-by-step.
Triggering is an out-of-proportion emotional reaction to difficulties in the present. It happens to everyone, particularly when we're tired or stressed. It indicates the presence of an unhealed wound from our past. In order to resolve and recover from a triggering event, it is essential to develop an awareness of our triggered emotions, such as anger, fear or sadness. With awareness, we can choose to "push the pause button", to not react negatively in the present. We can then return, when the time is right, to resolve and learn from our triggered emotions. We can recognize and seize the opportunity to grow and heal.
Caregiver resiliency depends on developing an awareness of the emotional burdens and fatigue that accompany the role of caregiving. on-the-job stress - for both professional caregivers and family or loved-ones providing care - can too easily turn into compassion fatigue and burnout. self-care, effective boundaries, and maintaining emotional balance are essential for caregiver well-being. an awareness of the physical sensations which accompany increasing emotional stress is especially important to develop.
Caregiver resiliency depends on developing an awareness of the emotional burdens and fatigue that accompany the role of caregiving. On-the-job stress - for both professional caregivers and family or loved-ones providing care - can too easily turn into compassion fatigue and burnout. Self-care, effective boundaries, and maintaining emotional balance are essential for caregiver well-being. An awareness of the physical sensations which accompany increasing emotional stress is especially important to develop.
Caregivers serve their clients or loved ones in some of the most difficult circumstances of life. To avoid burnout, caregivers need to continually find new ways to cope and new sources of hope. Pitfalls can derail this process: trying to deny the situation, avoid or run away, or get back to the way things were. Caregivers do best when they recognize and embrace their own humanity and stay open to the changes they and their clients or loved ones are going through. Essential attitudes are to have realistic hope for good in the future, and the willingness to grow, gain in wisdom, and discover greater purpose and fulfillment.
The caregiving profession calls for sacrificial giving in difficult, painful circumstances. Caregivers are stressed by their caring duties, which can trigger their own pain from the past. Staying aware of the emotions that arise within is essential for caregivers in order to stay effective and resilient. They have an important choice: to bury their stress and pain, becoming bitter and resentful candidates for burnout; or to work through their stress and pain, healing themselves and continuing to provide compassionate care
Caregivers devote one-hundred percent of their energy and compassion to those they care for, who often cannot reciprocate. Caregiving can then become a draining and discouraging experience. There are ways to provide empathic care and still hold on to hope. By learning, making mistakes, getting creative, and staying aware of and clearing the buildup of negative energy and emotion, caregivers can become more resilient, while staying committed to effective self-care.
Warriors set aside their needs to meet the challenges they face. After the battle is over, warriors need time to heal to preserve themselves and their relationships. Caregivers also must diligently practice selfcare to preserve themselves, improve their resilience and prevent burnout. With caregiving, stress and negative energy can build up in the body. There are ways to clear this buildup, starting with becoming aware of the warning signs. Emotional reactivity and a number of physical ailments can reveal the need for caregivers to get support and use self-care.
Warriors set aside their needs to meet the challenges they face. After the battle is over, warriors need time to heal to preserve themselves and their relationships. Caregivers also must diligently practice self-care to preserve themselves and prevent burnout. Stress and negative energy buildup can be dealt with and transformed into positive, nourishing energy. Necessary steps to take include becoming aware of the warning signs of stress buildup, attunement to the physical sensations of stress in the body, and then decompression and release of negative energy. This is the path from stress to peace, and from resentment and burnout to compassion and caregiving satisfaction.
Caregivers must diligently practice self care to preserve themselves and prevent burnout. Caring for others in need can place a burden of stress and negative energy on a caregiver, which in turn can stimulate old stress and pain from their personal history. It is essential for a caregiver to know themselves and recognize the troubling emotions and physical sensations that build up in their bodies - warning signs that fatigue and depletion are catching up with them. With the right approach, caregiving can be a fulfilling source of nourishing, positive energy.
Resilient people who have come through hard times carry wounds which leave them vulnerable to panic reactions when challenges return. Under stress, these broken heroes need support and an advocate who can see things more objectively. Caregivers and advocates may carry their own wounds, as well. They must use self-care to stay strong and keep positive and hopeful attitudes toward life and hard times.
In hard times, we always have a choice of how to respond. Seeing through a "clear lens," choosing attitudes of humility, gratitude, hope and a willingness to learn, and avoiding self-pity will help us face our challenges with resilience. A focus on the "intangibles" in our lives, rather than the "tangibles," is essential for finding happiness, fulfillment and purpose.
Special guest Joe Foot - business owner, father of two daughters, former addict, and quadriplegic - joins us for an inspiring discussion of what motivates him every morning to get up, not give up. Joe describes the car accident that disabled him, and the change in his life from before and after. Joe struggles every day with his emotions, attitude, and physical limitations. His courage and determination to set a positive example and give to others keeps him on the road to victory.
Hard times come with pain and losses - of control, and of people and things we hold dear. Our emotional reactions can be intense, clouding our perspective and draining the energy we need to address our challenging circumstances. Facing and dealing with negative emotions like fear, anger, and despair is not easy. Working through our emotions, though, is essential for moving forward, growing and developing resilience. Sometimes we need help to recognize, accept and resolve our emotions. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.
Troubling emotions can interfere with our ability to navigate through adversity. Dealing with our anger, fear and pain requires us to develop awareness of these emotions and ways of expressing and resolving them. Our emotions can become so overwhelming that we need help and support to regain hope and perspective.
Guest Mimi Amaral returns to share her recipe for success in adversity. We clarify the concept of trauma and highlight its effects on our physical bodies. Other topics in this roundtable: unhealthy relationships; respite for caregivers, the importance of our "energy economy", and how to find the truth in ourselves and our situations.
We begin with a review of Episode #17, in which we hosted special guest Mimi Amaral. As Mimi's story demonstrates, we can meet adversity head on, dealing with uncertainty as a condition of life, changing ourselves to better thrive in our new reality. We can grow, gain confidence, and establish ourselves in new ways, forging a new identity. Crisis can expose our humanity in both painful and valuable ways. We can establish a new pattern of dealing with adversity and the troubling emotions that hard times can trigger. Also, in this episode we begin to discuss the role of caregiving as having the potential to be both rewarding and an experience of adversity.
Special guest Mimi Amaral shares her inspiring journey from a mis-diagnosed "sickly child" to a vibrant adult with primary immune deficiency. Mimi, who believes "no one is immune to difficulty and hardship", has important things to say about how she "harmonizes a zest for life within the limitations of my body." Her hopeful, resilient outlook will lift your spirits and throw light on your struggles
When we experience a crisis - whether the illness or death of a loved one, a financial reversal or loss of a job, or any other real-life crisis - we feel overwhelming fear and loss of control. The shock can bring up emotions from other crises from earlier in life to intensify our internal turmoil. Crises expose our vulnerable humanity and change our lives in profound ways. We can choose how to respond and ultimately turn our trials into growth opportunities.
Crisis and trauma can come into our lives either as a shock or a prolonged series of events. In either experience, the best approach is to respond one step at a time, staying as grounded and objective as possible. When our immediate crisis is over, it's essential to come to an acceptance of what has happened, letting go of bitterness and resentment. We can adjust and find courage to move forward.
Difficult situations call for action - measured, not impulsive - which helps move us toward a solution. Seeing such experiences as challenges, not threats also make it possible to succeed. Managing our negative emotions like fear and anger ("emotional hygiene") are also essential. Our thinking needs to stay focused on moving forward, not catastrophizing or ruminating. It's important to remember there are high costs to avoidance and inaction in the face of life's challenges.
A deeper discussion of four strategies for facing difficult challenges: examining our attitudes; understanding our emotional reactions; taking responsibility; and examining our relationship to control. We present US Airways pilot Capt. Chesley Sullenberger - "Sully" - as an exemplar of someone who responded to an overwhelming challenge with courage and great success.
When hard times hit, we have two choices: spiral downward into defeat; or seek support, gain perspective, learn new skills, and take steps. Moving forward with hope is not easy, but always possible.
Why is hope so important during difficult times? How do we find hope when we're frustrated, discouraged and overwhelmed? And - how can we get stronger even while life gets harder? Join us as we begin to outline the attitudes and steps necessary to find strength and hope in adversity.
Hope can be hard to find and we may wonder, "Why me? Why now?" As we move through difficult times, it is possible to find hope and a sense of meaning and purpose in our struggles.