Today's Family Experience: Recent Episodes

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I’m happy to welcome back Marc Schelske to the Podcast. If you haven’t listened, do now (The Wisdom of Your Heart: an Interview with Marc Schelske). I continue to recommend …

Continue reading "Journaling for Spiritual Growth: A conversation with Marc Schelske"The post Journaling for Spiritual Growth: A conversation with Marc Schelske first appeared on Project Patch.

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This podcast is based on a quote I heard while attending a pre-session at the Replanted Conference that takes place each October in the Chicago area. The conference focuses on supporting …

Continue reading "Is anger sad’s bodyguard?"The post Is anger sad’s bodyguard? first appeared on Project Patch.

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My guest for this episode is Andy Crouch, author of the book, “The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology In Its Proper Place.”  I’m a big fan of this …

Continue reading "Andy Crouch – The Tech-Wise Family (Interview)" The post Andy Crouch – The Tech-Wise Family (Interview) first appeared on Project Patch.

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We continue our series of podcasts exploring vulnerabilities.  Our vulnerabilities are being exploited by technology, marketing and people who don’t have our best interest in mind. As parents, we want …

Continue reading "The People Pleasing Vulnerability:" The post The People Pleasing Vulnerability: first appeared on Project Patch.

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All of us have vulnerabilities.  While some vulnerabilities are common, each of us have unique vulnerabilities which make it harder for us to resist certain things or people. As I …

Continue reading "The Loneliness Vulnerability: feeling alone and under attack" The post The Loneliness Vulnerability: feeling alone and under attack first appeared on Project Patch.

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My guest today is Barry Ham. We recorded this podcast this past September while attending American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC.net) conference in Nashville. The sound isn’t great but the conversation was fantastic.

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There comes a point when the emotional tools we have no longer get the job done. Working with at-risk teens we often see kids who survive trauma using coping mechanisms but as they get older, these same things... Read More

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I recently received a question via email – Chuck@projectpatch.org – and as I was answering it, I though maybe there are other parents who are struggling with the same thing. A bit of context – I had spent five days in... Read More

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I love my job. I get the chance to talk to people and hear their stories. Forest Benedict has a story. His includes many painful moments and some destructive detours.  Yet. . . what I love about his story is that he has broken free from a world of isolation, shame and brokenness. He is passionate about life outside of pornography and helping others discover the freedom, belonging and purpose he enjoys.  You might be reluctant to listen to this podcast.  I don’t blame you, it’s not an easy topic and you may be used to hearing a bunch of preachy shaming and shouting.  You may be used to being scared and not helped. You may feel you don’t need to learn about this because you aren’t tempted by porn and/or your kids are too young.  Could you listen to the first minutes 10 a try?  My feelings won’t be hurt if you then stop. . . but I’d really like to help get the word out that there are resources for those struggling and there is a so much we can do as parents to help our kids. About Forest Benedict: Forest Benedict is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP) who serves as the Clinical Director of LifeSTAR of the Central Valley, a sexual addiction treatment program. Forest is the Program Manager of the SATP program at Mid-America Nazarene University, where he trains therapists to do sexual addiction treatment. Forest blogs regularly and has written for XXXChurch and Protect Young Minds. Passionate about protecting children from pornography, Forest speaks publicly on this timely topic. Forest is a husband and father who lives in Fresno, CA.Here are some highlights from our conversation: False Core Beliefs

• I am bad and unworthy
• I am unlovable
• I cannot depend on others to meet my needs
• My highest need is sex

Advice to parents: During our interview Forest shares about the power of attachment and your kids seeking relational comfort in people and God rather than pornography or other addicting things.  The role for parents includes building strong bond and ability to talk about difficult things and also paying attention to their kids to discern whether they may be using pornography.  Forrest recommends the following four areas to watch specifically looking for moods, secretive behaviors, tiredness, hiding and lying.

• Pay attention to their access.
• Pay attention to their habits.
• Pay attention to their interests.
• Pay attention to their emotions.

Another highlight for me was the focus on being in recovery but having the overall perspective that it is possible to live with permanent sobriety.  Parents who have a history of struggling with pornography including those that are currently struggling can still help their kids.  The goal is to move forward and not wait to get needed help or to offer help. During the interview, Forest mentioned a word recording that captures his feelings about porn from his perspective as a father.  I’ve embedded the video below or you can find it on Youtube by clicking here.

Resources: You can purchase the book at Amazon by clicking here.  Project Patch receives a very small commission from Amazon if you purchase using the link below.

Here are some ways to connect further with Forest and some of the resources he mentioned during the interview.

• LifeAfterLust.com
• ForestBenedict.com

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As parents we ask some important question.  A good one is, “Where are my keys?”  We also ask obvious questions like, “Who drank all the milk and put the carton back in the fridge?”  One that I hear from parents is, “What’s going on with my kid?”  We worry because we see changes that we can’t figure out.  We want to know what’s going on inside but most of the time we get grunts and maybe an exaggerated sigh.  There are signs that things aren’t going well: falling grades, concerning smells, absence of friends, withdrawal, sarcasm, avoidant behaviors, dressing differently. We swing between being worried they are going crazy and searching for a gang to join to the next minute thinking it’s just immaturity, a phase or normal behavior for “kids nowadays.” The risk in not answering the question, “What’s going on?” is that we either overreact of under respond.  We miss times to teach and end up shaming and confusing our kids. This episode of the podcast is all about tools and perspective for us as parents so we can understand what’s going on. Listen Now Typically, there isn’t just one thing going on. Our kids have complicated lives with multiple sources of challenge.  They can have trauma, immaturity, anger issues, entitlement, laziness and just plain bad days. It’s hard to find one source for their struggle and typically there isn’t one thing that will “cure” them. A good place to start is by running through a basic evaluation called, H.A.L.T which asks four questions (read more).  These questions were developed for people that are struggling with addiction and in recovery but they are helpful questions for all types of struggles.

• Are they hungry?  Not just for food but also for attention, comfort, and stimulation.
• Are they angry? Anger isn’t bad, they have reasons to be angry.  Our goal is to help them understand their anger and find ways to productively process it.
• Are they lonely?  This is not just the hunger for companionship but is a belief that it would be difficult if not impossible to reach out or connect.
• Are the tired? Many of our kids are sleep deprived. Many also lack white space or buffer in their day and move from one activity to another resulting in being overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I’ve recently taught on helping “Capable” but unmotivated kids.  These are the students that can do the work and often are even doing some of the work and not turning it in.  It seems obvious that they lack motivation  but doing a bit of detective work may show that they have other needs.  Often kids don’t have time, skills, tools or a personal “why”. Your teen may think they are spending hours writing the paper but the reality is that they are interrupted by their phone a dozen to a hundred times per hour.  They may not want to look at social media or have texts interrupt them but they also don’t want to miss out on anything.  Here are two good tools.

• An application I personally use to reduce my interruptions online is called Freedom.  It’s installed on my work computers, tablet and phone.  I can start a session which will cut out whatever distraction I determine for a certain amount of time.  I typically turn off all social media and Internet.  They are coming out with a new feature which will only allow certain websites during the session which will be very helpful.  I know I’m easily distracted and so this application helps me reduce distraction.
• Another paid service I use to increase my productivity is called “Focus at Will.

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Tina Griffin has a ton of energy and is passionate about helping teens.  I met her several years ago at a conference and we chatted long enough to know we needed to talk more.  The only problem was that she kept getting into deep conversations and as soon as she was done, I was involved in conversations.  We exchanged cards and she agreed to record a podcast. Two years later, we finally had our schedules match and were able to record a podcast.  Months later, I’ve been able to edit and I think you’ll enjoy hearing her perspective on media.

Tina is a former actress.  She left the the midwest and went to Hollywood to make her mark.  Since being a young girl she wanted to build a platform that God could use to reach others.  Little did she know that her experience in Hollywood, while experiencing some success, was really an opportunity for her to discover the stories behind the celebrities and the anti-family and anti-God bias of the media industry.

Over 10 years of living in the midst of Hollywood has given Tina an appreciation for the life she has now with her husband and children as well as a platform to help kids and parents see the dangers in media and more importantly, the blessings God wants to give that media can’t give. Tina now speaks to teens across the nation about and shares resources on her website. Ideas that stand out in this interview:

• Many top celebrities are producing content which they do not allow their kids to watch.  They profit from your kids seeing something that they believe would harm their own kids.
• Our media choices affect us and our relationships.
• A key gift we can give our kids is the ability to talk about media choices and create discussion around values.

Resources:

• Website:  CounterCulterMom.org
• FaceBook:  Counter Culture Mom

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My guest for this episode is Daniel Harkavy, founder, CEO and executive Coach at Building Champions.  Daniel has authored several books including his most recent, “Living Forward: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting and Get the Life You Want” which he co-wrote with Michael Hyatt. As you listen to this episode, it will become clear why I was so thrilled to have him as a guest.  He has a message that is especially relevant for parents that want to help our kids develop into purposeful, amazing adults.  Life planing is a very personal thing for Daniel. This is a personal practice that he now teaches through the team at Building Champions. You’ll hear him say loud and clear… “Self leadership always proceeds team and family leadership.” The process of living forward is to help us live our lives with intention while not neglecting the things that matter the most. Daniel shares a concept of “drift” in which we are neglecting on things that matter most while we hyper focus on things that don’t matter as much. This doesn’t mean we are drifting toward negative or bad things.  Many times we react to all good activities rather than proactively and intentionally getting after the things that matter most.  We drift until something breaks, then stop but often too late and damage has already been done. Michael shares that it isn’t just about avoiding drift, a key concept is . . . you have to have a target.  There are personal targets but he also believes we need to have a unique target for each of our kids based on 3-5 years out.

• What is your target for your kids?  Not focus on what they are doing but who they are.
• What intentional steps am I dong to take to help them reach the target.

Your kids are not your report card.  How they perform does not directly reflect back on you as a parent. This intentional process is like creating a GPS for your life rather than drifting – living proactively and intentional.  Three coaching questions:

• Waking up – Where are you at?
• What would I like to see?  The best is yet to come.
• Gap – What change of behavior will help me bridge between what could be and what is?

Daniel helped me understand that life planning is for adults who know what they want rather than a tool to force on our kids.  He encouraged me to worry about how I’m living and leading and what my life is showing them through my actions, not my words. A key for our kids is for them to know beyond a shadow of doubt, they know they are loved and safe. A powerful parent trusts that kids will pick up our behavior from how we consistently act. Resources mentioned in the interview: Website for Living Forward Book: livingforwardbook.com Assessment for Living Forward Book: livingforwardassesment.com Building Champions, Daniels Coaching Company:  Buildingchampions.com Furniture Company of Daniel’s boys: harkavyfurniture.com Photography Company of Daniel’s Daughter: allieraephoto.com Upcoming Speaking Engagements:

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This is the second part of an interview of Matt Dobshuetz, coach and podcaster of the very popular and impactful podcast pornfreeradio.com In the last episode Matt shared his story and what was really clear as he shared is that freedom is possible and worth it.  It’s clear that he knows what he’s talking about.  You can listen to that episode and read the show notes by going here. If you missed that episode just follow this link and then come back. The part of the interview begins to focus on tactical things that parents can do to help at both the heart level as well as ways to increase accountability and reduce access to pornography. A key question is “why should parents be concerned about today’s pornography?”  He shares that because of low “friction” kids have access to more types of pornography.  A key for parents is to find out what exactly kids are looking at.  Find out what they actually are consuming.  Just assuming it is “Playboy” type content may leave a parent aware of the risk of what kids actually may be viewing.

•  Increasingly hardcore content
• Unrealistic images of sex
• Violence/Agression
• Fetishes
• Not regulated

Matt shares that a huge motivator for helping people come out of pornography is when they become too tired of living with addiction because:

• Lack of confidence
• Lack of focus, not being present to the family
• Hypocrisy
• Fear of what would happen if kids use their computer of phone and find something.

For parents that are also struggling with pornography, Matt has several resources availble:

• Porn Free Radio – Podcast – pornfreeradio.com

• Get it on iTunes (Get started with episode “Go Porn Free in 2016“)

• “Your Porn Free Playbook” – 5 day course – Available from recoveredman.com

• One-on-one coaching

Matt also suggests that parents focus on the following keys in helping their kids:

•  Talk about pornography

• Talking won’t introduce new ideas to them

• Awkward conversations are better than no conversations

• Age appropriate conversations starting young and keep expanding with time

• Boundaries

• With Devices (They don’t go everywhere)

• Time limits
• Controls on TV, Internet all devices

• Tracking

• Accountable2you.com (activity, not just websites)

• Filtering

• openDNS – Way to filter entire network (Doesn’t work with all cable providers)

• Circle Router with Disney – Tracking and filtered internet

Project Patch is a affiliate of Covenant Eyes which has some great filtering and tracking software.  Learn more at www.projectpatch.org/covenant Resources:

• Christen Jensen