Mormon Marriages: Recent Episodes
Angilyn and Nate Bagley
Join Angilyn and Nate Bagley as they capture the real-life stories of amazing LDS couples, and learn the principles and tools of how to have an incredible Eternal Marriage from LDS marriage experts. If you want a marriage that makes you look forward to eternity... this show should be in your feed!
Dr. John Gottman has spent the last 4 decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. Through his research, he discovered 4 specific behaviors that, if left unchecked, will result in the destruction of any marriage.
These 4 behaviors are known as The Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse.
Today, we're going to share with you what the Four Horsemen are, how to recognize them, and what to do about them if they're present in your relationship.
If you want to learn more about Dr. Gottman's work, we recommend his book, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's fantastic!
The concept of Boundaries is not something we talk about in Sunday School.
It's not a merit badge, or a young women's value.
But without boundaries, our marriages will not flourish and thrive like we want them to.
So, today we're going to give you an introduction into the concept of boundaries. What are they? How do they work? Why are they important? How do we set them? And how do we enforce them?
Did you know there are actually two types of conflict in marriage?
Some conflict, like what to eat for dinner tonight, is resolvable conflict.
The rest of our conflicts - 69% to be exact - are unresolvable conflicts, like what to do if you're an early riser, and I'm a night owl. Or if you're fastidious and I'm cluttery.
If you try to solve an unsolvable problem, you're just going to get more upset and frustrated. (Each type of problem requires its own skillset.)
So, today we're going to talk about those two types of conflict, and how to handle them differently.
How do you create a marriage that can withstand any trial?
And let's be honest, we want to do more than merely survive... we want to THRIVE, even amidst the struggles of life.
God didn't give us marriage to endure. It's to enjoy. And that's what we'll show you how to do today.
This episode is a recording of a live marriage preparation class Angilyn and I taught as part of our calling with the YSA Ward. This week's lesson was on the purpose of your marriage... ie: why we get married.
The answer might not be what you think...
There are tons of really stupid, damaging marriage myths that we get told growing up. If we try to act out on those marriage myths as if they are true, they do SO much harm.
Today we're going to talk about some of the more common marriage myths, and how to avoid falling into their trap.
Join us for another awesome conversation with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! In this episode we delve into questions about exploring what arouses you, dealing with conflicting desires, and frustrations around female orgasm.
We hope you enjoy the conversation!
Kory Fluckiger and Heather McKinnon are work from home, school from home, and birth from home kind of people. Kory is an artist. Heather is an artist, social worker, and stay at home mom. They both volunteer for the American Red Cross High School Leadership Camp and would love to tell you about it!
We need to have more compassion and understanding in our marriages - for ourselves and for our partner.
There are a lot of things that enter our relationships from our pasts. We need to realize that it is going to take some time to perfect this dance. Sometimes they’re going to step on your toes, and sometimes you will step on theirs. When we do that, let’s try to give each other some feedback and support.
It can quickly turn to blame and anger - ‘you stepped on me and that really hurt!’ Most often there is not malicious intent, yet people still get injured. We get hurt and our expectations get betrayed. There is a lot of emotion and discomfort and fear. It’s here that we need to start from a place of, ‘my partner is probably doing their best even though they aren’t a great dance partner yet. Maybe I’m not a great dance partner yet either! I thought I had all the moves and I don’t. How can we learn how to dance together?’
— Dr. Cameron Staley
QUESTION #1
My wife and I have been married for several years. Arousal used to come easily, but in the past two years, severe depression has taken its toll on my libido. When it's not depression, it's chronic fatigue. Arousal now takes far more effort than it used to. I've found that things like roleplay and reading erotica have helped to overcome these hurdles. These are things we've done and enjoyed in the past, but have become more prevalent during the times of depression, as they seem to provide a shortcut to arousal. This is helpful because, as a normally high drive person, I want to want it, even if the body doesn't react as freely. I don't require them for arousal, but arousal doesn't happen on its own as much anymore.
The problem is that my wife has put on weight in recent years, and she is often convinced that my lower libido is due to this. She often feels like the roleplay is my way of pretending she was in better shape, or a different person.
How can I help her to know that it's a depression issue, and that my roleplays & erotica are being used to "jump start" my libido, and are not meant to replace her? How can I help her to not feel threatened by them?
QUESTION #2
Thank you for all that you do! My husband and I are huge fans of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! We have taken her courses and they have changed our lives for the better! We have been married 11 years and have 2 small children.
I am currently pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I have made great strides in our sexual relationship and I have taken monumental steps to claim my sexuality, I feel that my pregnancy has made me regress. I am so thankful to be able to carry children, but I do not feel sexually aroused while pregnant. My husband is so kind and tells me I’m beautiful, so the problem is not how he sees me. The problem is how I see myself. I tend to gain a lot of weight during pregnancy, which then takes me about a year to lose. With the weight gain, the fluctuating emotions, and how tired I become, sex is just not something I am interested in. Body image is a huge factor in this.
I would like to be more intimate with my husband, without feeling anxiety about my changing body. How can I feel sexual while pregnant? I’m sure I’m not the only woman who feels this way!
QUESTION #3
I only learned about Joseph Smith’s polygamy, the doctrine of polygamy as explained in the scriptures and it’s extent in our temple dealings about 15 years ago. It has had a profound effect on how I view myself, my marriage and God. I am fearful of dying and resent this view of women.
When I ask family or friends how they cope with this they say they just don’t think about it or say they know in the next life we’ll be perfect. I find myself trying to be perfect so I don’t get replaced. Can you help me move past this fear so I can more fully enjoy my marriage?
In this episode of the podcast, Rachel Nielson from the "3 in 30 takeaways for moms" podcast joins us to talk about life's crazy balancing act!
From wife, mother, ward calling holder, podcast host and business owner (just to name a few), Rachel has a lot of hats to wear! She knows firsthand the chaos that can come from attempting to juggle all of life's roles and responsibilities.
The conversation we have is real and raw and beautiful. You don't want to miss it!
Check out the 3 in 30 podcast to hear more incredible insights from Rachel and her guests!
When we asked Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jonathan Sherman what he would want if he could be granted one professional wish, his answer surprised us at first.
"I would want everyone to participate in premarital or early marital counseling."
As the conversation went on, it became obvious why!
In this episode of the podcast, Jonathan paints a picture of just how big of an impact this would have on not only our relationships, but on our society for generations to come.
He shows us how having a simple "Our Way" marriage plan can set a couple up for not just a "good" marriage that doesn't end in divorce, but an amazing and enviable marriage you never thought possible.
Regardless of what stage your relationship is in, get ready for some serious "Ah Ha" moments!
"Buried in your humanity is a jewel - a gift from God. It is the strongest force in your life. There is no stronger force that you could use for good in your life then this:
Your human nature has one single motive - to fight for what it deems as normal.
It will fight to a degree that you cannot win. So, what do you do? Simple.
Redefine what’s normal.
All of a sudden, your human nature will work FOR you, instead of against you. This idea of controlling and creating what is normal is everything." -Seth Ellsworth
Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and coach with over 28 years experience specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. She is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, an outpatient therapy clinic in Cottonwood Heights and Bountiful, UT, and serves as an assistant professor of social work at Utah Valley University.
In addition to authoring two books, The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Dr. Hanks is a blogger on Latter-day Saint Cultural issues, a speaker, a local and national media contributor, an online influencer, a private practice consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter.
A native Californian, Hanks currently lives with her family in Sandy, UT. For additional resources visit DrJulieHanks.com or connect with @drjuliehanks on social media.
Known as “Dr. Dave” on campus and across the country, Dave Schramm is an associate professor and family life extension specialist at Utah State University in the department of Human Development and Family Studies. After graduating with his Ph.D. from Auburn University, he worked as a professor at the University of Missouri for nine years.
Since arriving at USU in 2016, he has been appointed by Governor Herbert to serve on Utah’s Commission on Marriage, he appears on television monthly on Fox 13’s “The Place” and he shares tips and videos on social media to help individuals, parents, and couples thrive in their life journeys.
From British Columbia to Beijing, China, and from St. Louis to San Diego, Dr. Dave has given over 500 presentations, classes, and workshops to a variety of audiences, including the United Nations and a TEDx talk in Florida.
He married his high school sweetheart Jamie, they have four children, he loves peanut M&Ms J, and the Schramm fam lives in North Logan, Utah.
In this episode of the podcast, Nate and Ang give an update on all things baby!
They talk about the ups and the downs of first trimester, what they've learned individually and as a couple, and what they wish they would have known beforehand.
Enjoy!
Kattie & Allan Mount are the co‑hosts of Marriage on a Tightrope, a podcast dedicated to navigating a mixed‑faith marriage. Kattie and Allan met in the MTC and both served missions in Barcelona Spain. They were married shortly after Allan returned.
In 2017, Kattie and Allan suddenly found themselves dealing with Allan’s decision to distance himself from the church. Frustrated with the lack of support, Kattie suggested they go public about their situation by starting a podcast.
Kattie loves all things Disney, and is PTA president of the local elementary school. Allan is a sales director for a South Jordan technology company, is an avid Dodgers fan, and performs improvisational comedy at Comedy Sportz in Provo. The couple has four children, ages 5 through 13.
Question #1
My wife had a baby 6 months ago, and is afraid to have sex with me again. I've tried to get her to open up to me about what is going on, and why she is so anxious. I've let her dictate the pace of things so far, but if it were up to her, I'm not sure we'd ever have sex again.
Before the baby, sex was a struggle for her. She was unsure of what she liked and what felt good. If I accidentally stumbled on something that felt good, and she had an orgasm, I would try to repeat whatever I was doing during the next session, but that was rarely successful. I'm beside myself trying to figure out what can be done to help her learn to enjoy being intimate with me. What can I do? Or, what can I encourage her to do? Help!
Question #2
I think I had an emotional affair. I’ve been married to my wife for almost a decade, and she’s the absolute best. She truly is my best friend and a wonderful mother to our three kids. After almost 10 years of marriage things have gotten pretty routine, but not necessarily complacent. We still laugh and talk and enjoy each other, but sometimes the routine gets a little stale.
A couple of years ago, I texted a female friend. We were friends in high school but hadn’t kept in touch until I reached out about a business proposition. It was pretty innocent, but over time became pretty flirty until she eventually proposed the idea of an affair. I immediately severed ties with her and told my wife what she had said. This happened more 7 months ago. We haven’t spoken since, but I honestly miss her. I think about her all the time, almost daily. I miss how we would make each other laugh and our deep conversations through texts. I miss being desired by someone new... or at all. It has gotten easier over time, but I could use some direction.
Was this an emotional affair? Should I tell my wife about it? How can I phrase it sensitively, if so? And how can I deal with this feeling of wanting to reach out to my former friend all the time? How do I replace the feelings of excitement that I was getting from her? Or do I have to learn deal without that excitement all together? I know... I’ve got issues.
Question #3
My question is about sexuality and chronic illness. How do you navigate sexuality and desire when one partner has a normal high sex drive and the other is sick and has barely any energy for anything. Even washing my hair is difficult most days.
Before we were married I had a great drive, but very soon after I became very very sick. I try to be sexual as much as possible, but I feel guilty about not being able to meet his needs. Most of the time I would rather die than put the necessary energy into sex. Do you have any ideas for strategies to employ when his desire is high but my energy is low?
In this episode of the podcast, we are joined by Dr. Cameron Staley - a Clinical Psychologist from Idaho State University - to tackle the topic of pornography.
Talking about pornography in the church can be a polarizing issue. We support the stance of the church and agree that it is not something we personally want as a part of our marriage.
What we don't agree with is the shame-filled and fear-based narrative that is so common in our culture. This narrative only exacerbates the struggles we are trying to eradicate. Is there a better way?
Absolutely!!
Thanks to the research and work of Dr. Staley, along with many other incredible people over the years, there is a better, more research based approach to navigating struggles of pornography with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and a whole lot of mindfulness.
You don't want to miss this episode!
Ruben and RyLee have been married for 7 years and have 3 beautiful girls ages 5 and under. Through navigating career choices, becoming new parents, four moves, and a baby being life flighted, RyLee has also dealt with chronic eczema from head to toe. This past year it has gotten out of control to the point of leaving her in bed for weeks and even months on end. With three tiny girls that depend on her during the day, life seemed suddenly unmanageable. Spending money on doctors appointments, treatments and answers to no avail, their marriage has been stretched and challenged. Ultimately, even though they are still in the depths of searching for answers regarding RyLee’s health, this trial has brought them closer as they continue to navigate this journey together.
As members of the church, one of our ultimate goals is getting married in the temple one day and promising to our future spouse for time and all eternity.
So, what happens when eternity doesn't last as long as you thought it would?
No one gets married with the anticipation that they will get divorced later. Unfortunately, it happens!
Divorce can be a taboo topic in the church. It's not a topic frequently discussed in Sunday School (other than how to avoid it). With so much emphasis on family and temple marriage, it can leave a divorced member feeling lost in limbo, unsure what their place is in the grand scheme of things. There aren't very many resources readily available to help navigate such a troubling time.
Thankfully, people like Jenny Rollins Nelson are seeking to change that!
Join us for this week's episode as we dive head first into Jenny's personal experience with divorce, re-entering the dating field, relying on the Savior, and learning to love herself again.
In her own words, "Yes, there is life after divorce!"
In 2011, Nate quit his job and set out to find the answers to what makes a marriage truly extraordinary.
After years of research, seminars, books and trainings, and from talking with top notch couples, therapists, and experts, he has finally been able to sum it up into one simple principle.
A good seed, when placed in the right ecosystem - with adequate light, fertile soil, and an abundance of water - has no choice but to grow!
Your marriage is no different.
Check out this bonus episode to figure out why!
Have you ever found yourself thinking about divorce? Have you had thoughts like, "did I marry the wrong person?" or "Is my marriage going to fail?"
According to Dr. Alan Hawkins' research on divorce ideation, you wouldn't be alone. His studies have shown that around 25% of married individuals have thought about divorce in the last 6 months alone.
Does that mean your marriage is doomed? Absolutely not!
In this episode of the podcast, we chat with Dr. Alan Hawkins about exactly what divorce ideation is and why you may have it. We talk about how you can use those thoughts as a catalyst to help your marriage be better than it ever has been. We also discuss those instances when divorce really is best for everyone involved.
For a topic that is often taboo in church culture, Dr. Alan Hawkins provides comforting and reassuring research to help you navigate having thoughts of divorce.
Enjoy!
J.J. and Genny have been married for almost six years, and have two little boys ages 2 and 3 1/2. Throughout their marriage, they have had to navigate around a mental illness; Genny has Bipolar type II disorder.
Through personal experiences, therapy, faith, and a lot of love and forgiveness, they have both become advocates for mental health. The gospel gives both of them an eternal perspective and they know that this trial is temporal.
JJ is currently working on creating a guidebook that will teach loved ones of those struggling with depression, how to help. Their marriage is very strong despite her disorder. They have learned to lean on one another in hard times and cling to the joyous times.
Their marriage is stronger because of Genny’s illness, as they have had to grow spiritually and emotionally while working together to have an unbreakable and eternal bond.
In the last few weeks, Nate and Angilyn have experienced a rollercoaster of emotions.
They felt the excitement and joy of learning that they were expecting for the first time, only to feel the heartache and grief of a miscarriage shortly afterwards.
Everyone deals with grief and loss in different ways. In this episode of the podcast, Nate and Ang share how having a support system of close friends and family has helped to ease their pain.
In Nate's words, "It was so fun having people be ecstatic with us, and it was so powerful to have people cry with us when it didn’t work out. To me, there’s nothing more beautiful in life than having friendships like that."
Latter-day Saints have been talking about what an ideal marriage would look like ever since they were a young child in primary.
"I love to see the temple," they sing, "I'll go inside someday."
No one goes into a marriage thinking they are going to experience a betrayal.
So, what happens when that story of the ideal marriage gets ripped out of your hands? When betrayal happens, what do you do next? How to you navigate all the emotions that come along with it without dooming the relationship to failure?
In this week's episode of the podcast, we continue our conversation with Kristin Hodson, AASECT certified Sex Therapist and LCSW, about how to navigate an intimate betrayal in your relationship.
Tom & Becky Rogers are the proud parents of 10 children and the founders of FamiliesMentoringFamilies.org, an international organization that strengthens families through service, collaboration, and education to develop leadership and self-reliance. In 2017, they moved to Ghana, Africa with their youngest 5 children to pursue their personal mission. The first 18 months were an intense preparation as they gained a lot of experience VERY quickly, including within their own family dynamic.
As the Rogers interacted with people and developed relationships in Africa, they were drawn to the multi-generational impact that educating a family, beginning with the mother, has in addressing the "front line" of poverty. Today, FMF is building family literacy centers across Africa and is beginning a new initiative to reunite "orphans" with their parents through the Family Restoration Center.
With the help of American volunteers, cooperating with local leadership, team expeditions are gaining cultural experience and making a real difference in the lives of families, one at a time.
"If we moved to Africa, we’d have to learn to live so radically different that we’d actually have time to be a family." -Tom
In part 2 of our LIVE recording, we tackle two more questions from the guys!
Question #1
“My wife and I are trying to conceive. This is one of the most stressful times of my life, and stress is a major anti-aphrodisiac for me. How do I confront the pressure to perform?
Question #2
"My wife has a “fun” sexual past with her high school boyfriends. Before we dated she had shared too many of those experiences with me. I was fine with it, until I woke up to her crying on our wedding night. It triggered a jealousy and resentment where I feel she gave “them” her fun self. I got the Mormon prude and they got the fun girl. I love her, but I feel like she has never chosen me. I get that I’m at fault with the unforgiving heart and mad with jealousy that has built emotional walls. I feel like all our sex has been mercy sex. I don’t even want to have sex with her because that’s what it is. When we become intimate all I can see is her doing “this” with “them.” It makes me regret and feel bitterness that I strived to stay a virgin and be as "clean" as I could. I feel like I have lived life wrong. Since she is a terrific good person and she has the “dirty” past, she is the better more healthy person while I am the bitter/resentful seminary graduate boy. It makes me hate myself that I can’t get over that. I’m over 15 years into this and the cloud just gets darker and bigger. How can I start becoming more intimate with my wife while suffering with this intense jealousy? I just finished your course enhancing sexual intimacy and I am grateful for you and what you are doing. So, thank you and I would love to here your answer knowing it will be painful.”
"Art is therapy for me. I love it so much. There is nothing, outside of God and family, that is more rewarding than making something. We were created to be creators. It is our destiny. What a wonderful thing that is! It’s the only thing I can imagine doing forever. Everything else would get boring. Creating things has the potential to fulfill you through eternity." - Howard Lyon
In this episode of the podcast, Howard and Shari Lyon share with us their incredible love story. 25 years of marriage and three kids later, their life is far from conventional. Both incredible artists, they share with us how creating through art has influenced their love of life and love for each other.
We hope you enjoy it!
In part 1 of our LIVE recording, we hear what inspired Jennifer to put her life’s work into helping LDS women and couples develop healthy sexuality in their lives and marriages.
We also delve into questions asked by two of our lady listeners!
1: I live in Utah and I feel like there is a lot of pressure from my ward and surroundings suppressing my sexuality. When I'm on vacation or trips alone with my husband I feel so able to claim my sexuality but when I come back from trips or vacations, I feel like it gets stripped away with motherhood, the sense of what it is to be a female and then I feel like an object to be managed sexually. I recognize a perfect mormon women is a made up cultural myth. But I feel that owning my sexuality is possible. I also find that I resent my husband's sexuality and I'm judgemental of it and I need help. How do I become a whole women and stay solid in my sexuality. The shame force is strong in Utah! Can you paint me a picture of what a whole sexual LDS women looks like? Honestly when I try to paint or describe a whole women it ends up looking like a hot mess woman with holes to be used and objectified not the whole women I find on vacation.
2: I have been married for fifteen years and have never had an orgasm. We have tried and tried, but I just can’t do it. How do you do it? My husband and I fit the Mormon mold when it comes to the fact that we were never talked to about sex in any way other than it was bad. What would be your suggestion for me to do?
Dani was widowed by suicide in March of 2019. Soon after, she began writing about her late husband, Denny, and about her experiences in real time as she and her two daughters go through life after a traumatic loss.
She has become an advocate for mental wellness and stopping the stigma against suicide. You can read more on her blog at danibates.com or listen to her podcast “Make It Awkward” on any major listening app. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for the latest.
In March of 2012, Brittany Fisher Frank was involved in a rappelling accident in which she fell 80-100 feet. The injuries she sustained from the fall left her paralyzed from the waist down.
After her accident, she had many concerns including the worry of what dating what be like. But, when she met Trevor, he jumped right in - loading her wheelchair into his car on their first date!
Though living with a disability comes with many challenges and difficulties, Trevor & Brittany share with us how they move forward in their marriage and in their lives with optimism, faith, and joy.
Trevor and Brittany have been married for 3 years, and are the parents of an adorable little boy and the cutest dog.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
In this episode of the podcast, we are joined by Brooke and Mike Romney.
Brooke is a blogger, speaker and freelance writer, and Mike is in Business Development at a Healthcare Company. They reside just outside of Salt Lake City.
They are raising 4 active boys who consistently remind us that they are not nearly as cool as they thought we would be.
Brooke loves to write about anything and everything, but especially about things that matter. She is committed to sharing real life with a hopeful twist. Her fresh perspective and relatable style has engaged millions of readers in the Deseret News, Washington Post, Studio 5, and on her own blog and Instagram @brookeromneywrites. She loves writing, speaking and sharing truth any chance she gets.
Brooke and Mike will be celebrating 20 years of marriage this December.
Kristin Hodson is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. She is Founder and Executive Director of The Healing Group mental health clinic in Salt Lake City and Co-Author of the book Real Intimacy: A Couples Guide for Genuine, Healthy Sexuality (Cedar Fort 2011). Additionally she works as an adjunct professor teaching human sexuality to master level students working to become Social Workers and founded the Rocky Mountain Sex Summit in an effort to increase sexual health competency in mental health professionals.
She has a unique ability to break down the topics of sexuality into easily digestible pieces empowering people to further develop their sexual identity, hone their sexual values, improve their communication around sexuality all with the intention to improve people’s relationships with themselves and others.
Kristin is approachable, relatable and has a light sense of humor around something that often feels intimidating or heavy. She has been a guest presenter for nationally renowned sex therapist Dr. Gina Ogden and Dr. Tammy Nelson and has contributed to national media outlets including Huffington Post Live, NPR, Women’s Day Magazine and MTV and local outlets including RadioWest, Studio5,The Deseret News, RadioWest, The Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City magazine, various podcasts and local news outlets.
Kristin is a Mom of 3 wild things and a partner to her husband Jake living in Salt Lake City, Ut and Playa Grande, Costa Rica.
Mark and Georgia Anderson are a “2nd chance“ couple who have been married for 15 years. Between them, they have seven married children and going on 13 grandkids. They love to ski, serve, and adventure together, and are creating a second bucket list (since they have lived so long—everything got checked off).
Mark is a PT (he will check your knees at parties), and Georgia is a relationship coach at knowhowmom.com.
Tyler and Danelle Beckstrand met in a college math class at Utah State University (go Aggies!) They got married in 2011 and graduated together a few years later. The plan was to have babies right away but they found themselves dealing with unexplained infertility. After six years of trying to build their family, they decided adoption was their next step. In May 2019 they experienced their first failed adoption but came back more determined than ever!
Although there are many unknowns in this journey, they are anxious, and ready, to give all their love to the lives that enter into theirs. They look forward to starting new family traditions and excitedly await all the giggles and smiles to come.
Jason Coombs is a person in long-term recovery and the Founder and CEO of nationally accredited Brick House Recovery. He earned a Master of Professional Communication Degree (MPC) and has a deep passion for recovery. In fact, he is the author of the newly released book Unhooked: How to Help an Addicted Loved One Recover. He is a professional TEDx Speaker, consultant, and leadership expert.
Jason serves in the Meridian Anti-Drug Coalition, Drug Free Idaho, and works closely with the Institute for Addiction Study. Currently, Jason serves on the Idaho Conference on Alcohol and Drug Dependence Board.
Jason loves the outdoors and is an ironman 70.3 finisher with his two brothers. Jason and his wife enjoy living in a small town outside of Boise, Idaho with their twin toddlers. You can find him in the Recovery Movement group on Facebook.
You can contact Jason directly at info@brickhouserecovery.com.
We hear this type of question all the time.You’ve heard it said, “It takes two to tango.”
You’ve got all these awesome ideas on how to better your relationship, but no matter how many times you ask your spouse to get on board, you aren’t getting any ounce of participation from them.
You want your life to change, but you feel stuck.
“I want to be healthier, but my wife hates exercising.”
“I want our family to be more spiritual, but I can’t get my husband to initiate scripture reading and family home evening.”
“I wish that we weren’t on our phones as much, but everytime I ask my spouse to put their phone away we end up arguing.”
“I need more help around the house but I have to constantly nag, yell and scream before anyone lifts a finger.”
Do any of these situations sound familiar to you?
If so, you’re not alone.
So, how do you get your spouse to embrace all of these things and put them into practice?
Spoiler Alert…
YOU can’t.
You can’t make your spouse to do anything, regardless of how hard you try.
But why not?!?!
If you haven’t learned already, you have zero control over your spouse and their choices.
Zero. Zilch. None whatsoever.
In fact, there are very few things in life that you actually have control over: Just you… Your thoughts, your actions, your choices.
We talk about this all the time on the blog and in the podcast.
Just like it would do you absolutely no good to stand outside in the rain and beg the sky to stop, it does you no good to hound your spouse and constantly nag them in hopes that they will see things your way and change.
This is type of behavior is more harmful than helpful…
So, what can you do?
Manuel & Llyly Valdes have a Celestial Marriage of 25 years. They met as Manuel was finishing his mission in the Dominican Republic. The beginning of their relationship was orchestrated by a mutual friend who saw them as eternal. She convinced them to write to each other after Manuel returned home from his mission to Australia. Initially through letters, their friendship soon progressed to what is now, a continuous romantic courtship.
Manuel is a senior consultant with an IT solution company based in Melbourne, Australia. Llyly has been a health professional for a number of years and is currently building her own business as a wellness educator. They are the parents of 3 young single adults.
Both have served in various church leadership capacities. Manuel has been a branch president, bishop, and member of several stake presidencies (including a stake president in two stakes). While supporting her husband with his demanding responsibilities, Llyly has also served in stake and ward Relief Society Presidencies, and stake and ward young women presidencies. Recently, they both Served together as Multi-stake YSA advisors for the Melbourne and Tasmania States of Australia. They loved this calling because amongst other things, they got to show off their dancing moves in the various YSA dances.
We met Manuel and Llyly as they had returned to the USA to celebrate their 25th year wedding anniversary by revisiting the San Diego temple where they were sealed in 1993.
Alisha Worthington has an MSW from USC and a BSW from BYU, and is Co-Author of Real Intimacy, a Couples’ Guide to Real, Genuine Intimacy. Alisha has also sought extensive education regarding sexual health and is a certified 4-D Practitioner and Gottman Trained Educator.
Alisha has been featured on podcasts, blogs, news outlets, and radio and her articles have been read over 1,000,000 times. Alisha has led workshops and presentations on topics such as, Reclaiming Desire, Mother-Daughter Maturation and Sexual Health, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Godly Design of Intimacy.
Alisha has been married 22 years to her husband Bret and describes him as what Thor would be like if he took on the great challenge of having children and raising them. Alisha and Bret are the parents of seven fantastic kids ranging from in age from 7 to 20. As a result, Alisha’s favorite quote is, “Be still, and know that I am God.”
Thomas Harrison has been trained in cognitive therapy, psychodynamic therapy, reality-oriented therapy, and relationship therapy. He has been practicing in Utah with a clinical license since 1977. He has taught at the University of Utah Medical School, Graduate School of Social Work and in conflict resolution and divorce mediation at the BYU Law School.
Harrison has postgraduate training in depression, anxiety, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, sexual addiction, and posttraumatic stress disorders. He has counseled over 4000 survivors of sexual abuse. He treats dissociative disorders and has served on the neuro-trauma team at three hospitals.
He has 40 years of experience and assists in the resolution of problems quickly and in the long run for less cost to the client. He is knowledgeable in traditional psychotropic medication and nontraditional approaches to wellness. He is a skilled therapist. He is the author of three published books.
Adventure Traveling Family of Three. Ourselves in 5 words:
NELLIE - Outdoors, Yoga, Climbing, Painting, Running
BRYCE - Entrepreneurial, Film, Basketball, Guitar, Travel
AVALYN - Milkies, Giggles, Dirt, Sunlight, Trees
In 2015, Nells had a health scare that pushed us to finally pursue our dreams and adventure the world. We started our Youtube channel in hopes to inspire others to adventure more & also to have memories for us. We began hiding treasure bottles everywhere we adventured. Whoever found them received outdoor gear, a vacation, or even money. Go find one!!
We hope that by sharing our adventures with you, it inspires you to do the same. Do something memorable this week!
Treagan and Kim White have been married for 10 years. They have one very strong-willed six year old girl who keeps them going. They enjoy outdoor adventures and discovering new places to explore. Their world was rocked when Kim was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (adrenocortical carcinoma) in 2014. They lost their second child at 18 weeks of pregnancy, during Kim’s initial treatment. She was told she only had a few months to live, but those who know Kim know she’s not the type to accept someone telling her what she can and can’t do. So, fighting cancer is this couple’s new norm. They have learned so much about what really matters in this life. They’ve been knocked down so many times that getting back up is just a habit. Together, they have come to know about change, starting over, forgiveness, unconditional love, and daily progress. Cancer has not only blessed their life but it saved their marriage.
Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D in Counseling Psychology from Boston College. She wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality, has taught college-level courses on human sexuality, and currently teaches online and community-based relationship and sexuality courses to LDS couples. She is a frequent contributor on the subjects of sexuality, mental health, and spirituality to LDS-themed blogs, magazines, and podcasts. She maintains a private practice in Chicago where she lives with her husband and three children. She is an active member of the LDS church.
2:35 Jennifer’s workshop “Art of Desire”
4:15 The meaning frames that humans create to justify or explain their circumstances
6:45 It is necessary to integrate your god-given sexuality
8:00 “False tradition” says that sexuality is a necessary evil
8:35 Mormon theology for sexuality
9:10 Ways to be evil
10:15 Sexuality and goodness
11:15 Adjusting to marriage
14:00 Steps to cultivating god-given desire
14:30 we run our own sexuality, it doesn’t run us
16:45 What happens when you’re afraid of your sexuality (repression or indulgence)
18:15 Sexual contract - marriage is a chosen relationship; to know and be known
20:45 Marriage pushes your development
21:30 What can my marriage teach me?
22:15 “Ticks and moles”
23:10 You live in the environment that you create
23:45 We self deceive and collude in not dealing with troubles (polite marriage vs intimate marriage)
24:15 Measuring quality of marriage
25:30 Can there be room for the best of both partners? We often want our own limitations to prevail while expecting our spouses’ limitations to disappear
26:00 Victim mentality (guilt your spouse into submission) It may look like there’s peace, but there will be underlying anger and resentment.
27:00 Unrealistic fantasy of “oneness”
28:00 Using the validation of others to sustain your own sense of self
28:50 “In the name of Love, we can sometimes suck the lives out of our spouses” (validate me, reinforce me)
29:45 Choose to love someone, limitations and all
30:00 Breaking the bond of using someone else for your own validation
31:40 Even if your partner says all the right words, it won’t land anywhere if you don’t feel it in your heart
32:30 Taking accountability for your own life
33:15 “False tradition” if women want to develop vs nurture, then they are selfish (we’ve come to earth to develop and create)
34:30 Create a sense of self
34:50 Self deception is Satan’s path
35:20 Taking responsibility for your own emotions
37:25 Don’t try to manage your partner in order to manage yourself. Trying to control things we have no control over, like our spouses, distracts us from focusing on what we CAN control, like ourselves
38:45 What are my blind spots that I have yet to confront?
39:00 One of the kindest things you can do for your partner is to manage yourself (anxiety is infectious). This allows them to in turn manage THEMSELVES
40:20 Ask yourself “what am I pretending not to know about my role in these circumstances”
41:00 Confronting yourself is a scary thing, especially in a sexual relationship
42:00 Own your own desire and ask for what you want vs covert contracts
42:45 Owning your desire exposes you to the possibility of rejection. This is true intimacy and true vulnerability
43:20 “you’re not allowed to complain about not getting something you’ve never asked for”
44:05 it’s easier to sit in an entitled resentment thinking “you owe me” instead of asking for what you want and risking not getting it.
44:45 When we don’t take responsibility of our desires, we stunt the development of our marriages and of ourselves
44:55 if you’re not getting what you want in your marriage - #1 have you asked for it? #2 are you doing your part to create the possibility of getting it?
46:40 We’re good at thinking about all of the things we think we are owed, but not so good at confronting our part in he negative reality we are living in
47:10 Make it easy for your partner to give you what you want
48:25 The theology of Mormonism contains the architecture for creating amazing marriages
49:15 you come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in our marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God.
IN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF THE PODCAST WE TALK WITH JAKE AND KRISTIN HODSON ABOUT THEIR OWN KIND OF HERO’S JOURNEY.At the end of 2017, Jake and Kristin realized that they were living their lives in fast forward. With two successful careers, soccer practice, gymnastics, doctor’s appointments, church callings, family and friend duties, and more they felt like they were barely keeping their heads above water rather than being in control of their own lives.
Jake mentioned the Three Deadly C’s that had a hold on their family:
Consumption, Convenience, and Comfort.
Jake and Kris have been married for 12 years and are parents to three wild things ages 10, 7, 4. They've worked hard throughout the course of their marriage to become partners in parenting, professional pursuits, and personal passions which include travel adventures, surfing, yoga, snowboarding, and anything water related.
Jake is a Certified Yoga Instructor and works full-time in the professional world of commercial real estate. Kris is a Certified Sex Therapist, founder of The Healing Group, a mental health clinic in Salt Lake City, author Real Intimacy: A Couple's Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality, and a regular speaker on sexual health. You can find more about them at TheTaoOfHodson.com
Daniel A. Burgess, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sexuality and relationships. He has also worked as a consultant in Silicon Valley, as well as volunteered within the community in various roles.
Daniel is a blogger, speaker, and author of “Reconciling our Divine Sexual Identity”, scheduled for release in early 2019. He also runs an engaging and informative Facebook group discussing marriage and sexuality in the faith, “Improving Intimacy in Mormon Marriages”. For additional resources or questions, connect with him at daniel.burgess@gmail.com. You can also schedule a video appointment with him here.
What if you want so much more, but you don’t even know where to start?
Let’s see what Alma had to say about this:
“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” -Alma 32:27
In other words, if you’ve got a desire to have an awesome marriage, then you’ve already begun. The next step is to slap on those rubber gloves and protective goggles and start experimenting.
experiment*ex·per·i·ment \ ikˈsperəmənt *
noun: a course of action tentatively adopted without being sure of the eventual outcome.
verb: try out new concepts or ways of doing things.
My favorite part of this definition is, “without being sure of the eventual outcome.” Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone and give something a try even if you have no idea what is going to come out of it. (See 1 Nephi 4:6-7)
In this week’s episode of the podcast, we sat down with Celeste and Rich Davis from the Marriage Laboratory to talk about the importance of experimenting.
Jacob 5…It is by far the longest chapter in the Book of Mormon. In seventy-seven verses spanning across six and a half pages, Jacob introduces us to the allegory of the olive tree.
Growing up, I dreaded getting to this chapter. It was so long! To be honest, I didn’t really get the point of it. There’s lots of trees and the Lord and his servant go and graft in a bunch of branches and spread a bunch of poop on them, gather up the bad branches to burn them, they go back and forth between good fruit and bad…. yada yada…. On to the next chapter!
It wasn’t until I was older that I realized the life-altering lesson in this allegory that I had been missing out on all those years. As I read each verse, the story came alive to me in my mind.
We are the olive trees. Each of us. You and me.The Lord of the Vineyard (Heavenly Father) and his servant (Jesus Christ) are working so hard on us. They labor and anguish over us - doing everything in their power to help us grow and develop. They are digging about our roots, casting out the bad in us and cultivating the good.
Sometimes, they rejoice because the fruit we are producing is good! And sometimes, they mourn because the fruit we produce is less than ideal. We can be easily corrupted, the wild branches taking over and running rampant in our lives.
At one point in the story, the Lord of the Vineyard is about to “hew down” and cast all the trees in the fire. None of them were producing the desired fruit and he lamented saying, “What more could I have done?”
The following verse has forever changed my outlook on life:
But, behold, the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: Spare it a little longer.**
Spare it a little longer.A simple phrase that teaches a profound lesson.
The servant goes on to describe that though the branches have gone wild and the fruit is good for nothing, the roots are still good. They are not too far gone.
They can still be saved.
No matter what point we are at on our journey, no matter what fruit we are currently producing, deep down our roots are good.
Our current state does not define who we are. The Lord and his servant continue to tirelessly work on us, little by little, until the bad has been eradicated and we reach our divine potential of goodness.
Do not judge someone for where they are at in their journey. Do not give up if you are not yet where you want to be. Your failures can become your greatest life lessons.
Keep going. Keep trying. Allow the Lord to work in your life. It is never too late.
Whenever you’re tempted to throw in the towel and stop trying, whether in your life or in your marriage, remember those five powerful words:
Spare it a little longer.
Josh and KC Brothers met on Tinder and have been messaging each other ever since! Early on in their relationship, they had discussions about their roles as stewards--not only of the Earth, but of each other. This led them to start making small changes in the way they live that would have a positive impact in their relationship with their home, their attachment to material goods, their food, their bodies, and each other. They discovered that no one was showing them how to start living a more conscious lifestyle--so they began documenting all of the baby steps it takes to get there in the hopes that others might be able to follow their trail as they became inspired to make similar changes. You can follow their journey to becoming better stewards on Instagram @consciousliving247.
I never thought I’d be in a mixed-faith marriage.
We hadn’t even celebrated our first wedding anniversary before my husband told me he no longer identified with most of the teachings of the Church. I was hurt and confused. We both were.
I had imagined this honeymoon stage playing out very differently. Rather than focusing on this new exciting thing called marriage, we were trying to compromise on theology, lifestyle, and what felt like our entire future.
Where do we go? How do we navigate this journey? Who do I choose?
"This isn’t fair.”
My husband’s beliefs changed, and as a result I’m the one who suffered the consequences. Or at least that’s what it felt like. It wasn’t until we started to become more open about his changes in beliefs with those around us that I realized I wasn’t the only one suffering. My husband was having a very hard time with this transition too.
Though they might have had good intentions, he felt that people were more interested in fixing him and not so much in understanding him.
While there are times to have faith-promoting conversations, there are also times, I believe, that are better served by just listening and trying to understand.
That’s when it hit me. Rather than seeing the situation as a dichotomy (he’s either with me or against me), in reality he was just begging to be understood at a deeper level and I was needing that same understanding from him.
Navigating a situation that deviates from family and the surrounding community is no easy task. Getting married with the understanding that we shared similar beliefs, only to have his beliefs change and that foundation crumble is no easy task. Feeling “forced” to change a stance on faith because a spouse believes differently is, again, no easy task. It can be complicated, messy, and confusing for all parties involved.
I believe both sides deserve more love and understanding...
Read the rest of Chelsea's article here, on LDS.org
Julie de Azevedo-Hanks, PhD, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. Dr. Hanks is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, author of The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, a blogger, a local and national media contributor, an online influencer, a private practice consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter. A native Californian, Hanks currently lives in Salt Lake City, UT. For additional resources visit DrJulieHanks.com or connect with @drjuliehanks on social media.
Commit to your marriage as the #1 most important intimate relationship in your life.That’s right - your relationship with your spouse is even more important than your relationship with your kids! In the end, your kids will leave the nest, choose their own eternal partners, and be committed to creating their own eternal marriages (hopefully). Act in a way that demonstrates the importance of this relationship to you.
Of the many roles that Merrilee has had in her life - author, mother, lawyer, motivational speaker, life coach - the most important one to her will always be that of “wife.”
Date night is sacred time.Think of the person that you were 10 years ago. Do you have the same interests? Do you believe the same things? Have you learned new hobbies? Don’t stop getting to know your spouse. They are not going to be the same person that you married forever.
Heavenly Father asks us for at least three hours a week to worship him. Do the same thing for your marriage. Commit to date night like you commit to going to church every Sunday!
Leave the kids with a babysitter and don’t allow more than 50% of the conversation to revolve around the family. Mix it up, get creative and have fun with each other. Keep getting to know each other. This will protect you from waking up one morning and thinking, “Who is this person that I’m married to?”
Remember, an outing with kids is a family gathering, not a date. Talking about the kids the whole time is a family planning meeting, not a date.
Don’t take your spouse’s name in vain.How often do you complain about your spouse to your friends or family? This has sadly become a cultural norm. We often don’t think twice when we hear someone poke a jab at their husband in relief society, or jokingly complain about their wife during guys night.
You must protect your spouse’s name. Do not speak poorly of them to others, especially to family and friends. Create a safe space for them to be deeply vulnerable with you without the fear that their weaknesses, mistakes or shortcomings will be spread to others. Give your spouse the gift of knowing they can trust you with their whole self.
Quit trying to “fix” your spouse by demanding they be like you.“Perfect” in a gospel sense simply means, “whole.”
You are truly one with your spouse when you both bring your strengths and weaknesses to the table. Often times, your strengths will align with their weaknesses and vice versa. Celebrate what you both bring separately to the table and support each other as you help one another learn and grow.
Neither of you are perfect. Acknowledge your differences. Allow the beautiful power of the Atonement to make up for the rest. That is when you become truly whole.
The “Treat as if…” principle.Have you ever heard the phrase, “fake it til you make it?” There is power in committing to an outcome and than doing everything in your power to make that outcome a reality. If you want to be confident, act confident! Eventually it will become who you are.
It is the same with your spouse. If you treat your spouse like they are lazy, stupid, or inconsiderate, that is what they will become. If you want them to be more patient, treat them like they are already patient. If you want them to be more loving and caring, treat them as such! Treat your spouse according to their potential. You will get what you are looking for.
These are just a few simple things that can help your marriage become truly Celestial.
A heavenly marriage doesn’t happen by accident! It is intentionally created.
So, if a Celestial Marriage isn't something that just happens to us on the day we're sealed, how do I create one? What steps do I need to take? What does it even look like?
These are the questions we're out to answer on the podcast.
We realize most people haven't had many great examples of incredible, lasting, passionate marriages.
Most people haven't seen marriages overflowing with kindness, honesty, desire, forgiveness, intimacy, vulnerability, and true charity.
And because we don't have these examples after which we can model our behavior, we end up getting stuck, walking on eggshells, avoiding hard topics, watching lots of Netflix, burying our noses in our phones, and stalling our eternal growth.
On Mormon Marriages, we will show you what extraordinary love looks like in many different forms. Some of them you'll love, some of them you might bristle at. We'll give you examples you can draw from, and offer you goals you can set for yourself.
Our hope is that we will inspire you to build your Eternal Marriage in the way that gets you excited and motivated. You get one shot at creating something legendary that can last forever. Don't waste it!
Kurt is the founder of the Leading LDS podcast and website. He provides LDS Leaders with tools, resources, and training to effectively do magnify their callings. His interviews are awesome. If you have a leadership calling in the church, he definitely has something to help you do it better.
Setema Gali is a world-class coach, speaker, trainer, and author of the book Winning After the Game.
He works with highly-committed individuals to identify the necessary required actions to create the kind of life they want.
Setema is also a Super Bowl Champion, an invested and attentive husband, and a committed father.
Check out his book Winning After The Game to learn how he's created a wealthy life after going bankrupt, losing everything, and even having to sell his Super Bowl Ring.
- 4:16 How Setema met and pursued his wife
- 6:25 They were best friends - he felt like he could not be without her
- 8:50 How they deal with conflict. They have a clear purpose in creating a happy marriage, and they do what it takes to build one despite arguments or disagreements
- 8:45 “I don’t want this. Let’s talk RIGHT NOW” Quickly overcome negativity, bitterness, anger, etc. Clean things up fast.
- 10:55 Clarity is power. If you are really clear on what you want, it is simple and easy to know what needs to be done to get it.
- 11:20 Believe it is possible to have an amazing marriage that works
- 12:35 An apology does not have to be an admission of guilt, but an opportunity to heal your partner.
- 12:50 You most often don’t hurt your partner on purpose, but it happens. Regardless of whether you meant it or not, it creates a gap in your relationship; a wound that needs to be healed.
- 13:25 When his wife said something that hurt him, his instinct was to shut down and pull away. Because of the clear agreement they have to confront and resolve quickly, he talked with her about it soon after. She had no idea she had hurt him, but she apologized. They hugged, cried and expressed love to each other and the issue resolved.
- 15:10 Ask for what you want and need
- 15:45 The happiest couples have a “low negativity threshold”
- 16:25 Live by agreements; not expectations. Be clear on your goals and purposes, but don’t hold your partner to perfection. This leaves room for being able to communicate your wants and desires.
- 18:15 Don’t be afraid to confront your spouse when something isn’t right. Do it with love, kindness and integrity.
- 18:50 If you ask couples what they really want in their marriage, few will be able to answer with a clear purpose.
- 19:35 Having a clear purpose helps to create and intentional and deliberate way of life.
- 20:20 Be committed to your dreams, goals, and visions. Focus on improving 1% each day.
- 22:05 You can have whatever kind of marriage you want. The marriage that you currently have is the marriage that you’ve chosen to create (for good or for bad). If it’s not what you want, then choose to change and create it.
- 23:00 Before having this type of conversation, set it up with an agreement and a clear purpose. “I want to have a conversation about how we can be better in our marriage, and I want you to be 100% open and honest with how you feel. Can you do that?”
- 23:50 These types of conversations take practice, but the more you do it, the more natural and quickly they can occur.
- 24:05 “What can I do better?”
- 25:05 “What do you want or need [in the home, in our marriage, with finances, sex etc]”
- 25:25 “What’s working?” “What’s not working?” “What’s missing?” “What’s next?”
- 26:50 What do I want in my marriage, and what is required of me to get it?
- 27:00 Effective communication is key
- 28:45 “Where are you at right now?”
- 29:05 Winning after the game
- 31:05 Be clear about what you want, and then be committed to achieving it.
- 31:35 Marriage is the most important thing for our country and for our world.
- 31:40 A happy couple can teach their kids the model of a healthy relationship
- 32:30 Wealth is beyond money
- 32:55 Happy families and happy homes breed powerful people
- 33:20 “Whatever you want, you can have. Whatever you have is your choice.”
Zack Oates is an entrepreneur, hot tubber, blogger and husband (but not in that order, necessarily).
It took him over 1,000 dates to find his wife (worth the wait) and has documented his journey on BowlofOates.com.
Annie is a Fashion designer who runs her a design shop and shows off her up-cycling at heyannieo.com when she's not momming or wifing it up like a boss.
They are a hashtag power couple.
- 3:30 - The most important mentors in life are those who are just a few steps ahead of you.
- 4:30 - How Zack and Annie met
- 5:20 - Rule #1: You can kiss on the first date, as long as you marry them!
- 6:15 - What Zack learned after 1000 dates
- 7:20 - Fireworks vs Smolder
- 8:40 - “God, if this wrong, tell me now….because I’m going for it!”
- 9:10 - Choose your love, and love your choice.
- 10:15 - Lots of people like to warn us that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but it doesn’t have to be that way
- 10:30 - Mission lesson: It’s not about obedience, it’s about love. “Obedience is the first law, but love is the greatest” Marriage is very similar. Love and serve your companion.
- 12:45 - “You’ve made your choice. Now, spend the rest of your life making it the right choice.”
- 14:30 The first year of marriage was not as hard as everyone painted it to be, but it was still an adjustment for them.
- 17:15 - If your friends are having a bad day or do something mean, you can leave. But in marriage, you’ve got to deal with it!
- 18:00 Marriage is easier than dating - it’s a different kind of hard.
- 19:45 There are many people who will say, regardless of what stage of life you’re in, “Oh [this stage] is the worst!”
- 12:30 There are other people who will say that whatever stage is NEXT in life, is the hardest. “You just wait!”
- 21:00 People who are optimistic will always be able to find the good. (and vice versa)
- 22:10 Slug Bug analogy. “You find what you’re looking for.”
- 23:50 If you want to hear the voice of God, listen. If you want to see the hand of God, look. If you want to feel the love of God, serve.
- 24:15 “The world, with all its sham and drudgery, is still a beautiful place.” There is an abundance of joy available to us, but we have to CHOOSE to take it.
- 25:30 The ritual of a Weekly Companionship Inventory
- 26:15 Things that make marriage hard - family, sex, money, communication, and forgetting the small stuff. Companionship inventory helps to address all of these things on a regular basis.
- 27:40 Steps to a good inventory: #1. Offer a reason you love the other specifically from the week #2. Ask what can I do to improve or be better #3. Go over finances #4. Set your schedule for the week.
- 28:45 “Real-time feedback”
- 29:45 Go to marriage counseling BEFORE there is a problem. Gather the tools and skills you need to be prepared when issues arise.
- 30:15 While communicating, learn how to dig for the deeper meaning or intentions behind your partner’s words. Sometimes the conversation needs to keep going in order to truly understand each other. Get to the root issue.
- 31:00 A lot of our actions are rooted in our fears and insecurities. It’s important to understand what our partner’s fears are in order to have context surrounding why they do what they do. This can lead to more empathy versus anger.
- 32:00 Fight or Flight mode is instinctual during arguments and stress. When your partner shuts down, lashes out, or takes flight during an argument, it’s not effective to just tell them to stop or return the anger. It’s important to ask yourself, “What could I be doing that has put them into fight or flight mode? What am I doing that is making them feel unsafe?”
- 33:00 The other person’s perception of reality is the only reality that they have.
- 36:05 Low Negativity Threshold (resolve issues quickly to avoid resentment)
- 37:45 Dishes analogy
- 38:25 Your brain perceives emotional pain in the same place that it perceives physical pain. Our natural instinct is to pull away from whatever is causing us pain. You need to repair that emotional wound in order to close the gap that the hurt created.
- 40:30 An apology does not have to be an admission of guilt, but an opportunity to heal your partner
- 41:30 Be quick to apologize and quick to forgive. Acknowledge the hurt that was made, heal, and move on.
- 42:05 Give genuine compliments often.
- 44:00 If marriage is for eternity, why not make is something to be stoked about?
- 44:45 Surround yourself with people who LOVE marriage and have a positive outlook.
- 47:10 Find what you value most and have a “thing” that you do together. Always have something to look forward to.
- 49:30 Alma 32 - comparing the seed to love and marriage (it takes effort and nourishment)
- 52:25 In dating, sometimes there are good seeds and good soil that just aren’t compatible with each other, and that’s okay!
- 55:25 When the seed finally takes root and begins to grow, even if it’s slow,
- it can truly become something “sweet above all that is sweet”
- 56:20 Marry your best friend
- 56:30 “Strive to be happy”
- 57:05 “Teach it to me, or take it from me”
Brad Wilcox is a professor in the Department of Ancient Scripture at Brigham Young University where he also enjoys working with such programs as Especially for Youth, Women’s Conference, and Campus Education Week. He is the author of the book, The Continuous Atonement, and the BYU devotional, “His Grace is Sufficient.” Brad grew up in Provo, Utah except for childhood years spent in Ethiopia, Africa. He served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Chile and later returned to that country to preside over the Chile Santiago East Mission from 2003-2006. He and his family have also lived for a time in New Zealand and Spain where he directed study abroad programs for Brigham Young University. Brad has served as a member of the Sunday School General Board. He and his wife, Debi, have four children and six grandchildren. Reading, writing, teaching, and traveling are some of his favorite things. He loves Peanut M&M's and pepperoni pizza, but he realizes that doesn't sound too healthy so he is really trying hard to learn to love salads.
- 2:54 - Elder Faust asked Brad and Debbie Wilcox to be a model of a happy marriage to their missionaries
- 3:45 - “Always go to the funeral”
- 5:20 - We all want to make a difference in the world, but that starts with making a difference in your family
- 6:00 - What Brad and Debbie are still learning after 35 years of marriage (lifelong learning, “empty nest” stage)
- 7:50 - How Brad and Debbie met and fell in love
- 11:00 - Things fell more into place when the pressure was off
- 11:45 - First Kiss
- 12:34 - Things progress more naturally in dating when there isn’t so much pressure
- 13:45 - Sometimes things don’t just “fall into place” naturally when you meet the right person. It takes an intentional choice to give things a try. It takes vulnerability and risk.
- 15:00 - The transition that happened when baby came along - they had to be more intentional in their marriage
- 15:45 - The purpose of marriage is growth; the relationship matures over time
- 17:15 - “Love isn’t two people looking madly at each other, love is two people looking in the same direction” The maturity and growth happens while working towards a common goal and purpose
- 18:45 - The four “legs on a table” of a relationship (emotional/social, intellectual, spiritual, physical), and how strength comes in having a balance of all four.
- 19:39 - the purpose of an engagement - strengthen the pillars of emotional/social, intellectual, and spiritual before adding in the physical helps to create a strong foundation
- 21:50 - How each of the four pillars of a relationship help with the “hard work” of marriage
- 23:55 - Intellectual - It’s not necessarily about sharing interests, but showing interest in the other person’s interests. Share your world with each other.
- 25:55 - Emotional/social pillar
- 27:00 - Spiritual pillar
- 27:50/31:15 - It’s not always realistic to have scripture study and prayer together as a couple. As long as each individual working on their spirituality separately, that adds to the spiritual pillar of the relationship.
- 29:15 - Simply being active in the church and having a temple recommend helps to be on the same page with core values
- 29:30 - Fear of marriage in young people, and common causes of divorce
- 30:20 - If you can live a certain way before marriage, it is a good indicator that you will be able to continue living that way after marriage (activity in the church, living within your means, etc).
- 30:55 - The church alone can give a couple the spiritual connection the marriage needs.
- 31:30 - Individual spiritual habits fulfill a need in our lives
- 33:30 - Physical Pillar - men and women compliment each other with the emotional and physical sides of an intimate relationship.
- 34:35 - “Choreplay”
- 35:10 - Air traffic controllers vs Bowlers (landing airplanes vs knocking down the pins)
- 37:25 - We’re meant to go together; we teach other to create a fuller and more meaningful experience
- 37:50 - Different temptations for men and women
- 38:10 - Avoidable mistakes of young couples
- 41:30 - Problem solving vs listening
- 41:45 - Asking for what you need instead of expecting your partner to “just know”
- 42:45 - “You’re not allowed to complain about something you’ve never asked for”
- 44:20 - Our society has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish - these leads to covert contracts. “My partner should just know what I need”
- 46:00 - It’s easy to get discouraged, but just caring about making your marriage better shows that you are on the right track.
- 46:30 - Satan will never have a marriage, and will never have a family. No wonder he is out to destroy our families.
- 47:20 - “A problem identified, is a problem half-solved”
- 48:20: - An example of real-life compromise
Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D in Counseling Psychology from Boston College. She wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality, has taught college-level courses on human sexuality, and currently teaches online and community-based relationship and sexuality courses to LDS couples. She is a frequent contributor on the subjects of sexuality, mental health, and spirituality to LDS-themed blogs, magazines, and podcasts. She maintains a private practice in Chicago where she lives with her husband and three children. She is an active member of the LDS church.
2:35 Jennifer’s workshop “Art of Desire”
4:15 The meaning frames that humans create to justify or explain their circumstances
6:45 It is necessary to integrate your god-given sexuality
8:00 “False tradition” says that sexuality is a necessary evil
8:35 Mormon theology for sexuality
9:10 Ways to be evil
10:15 Sexuality and goodness
11:15 Adjusting to marriage
14:00 Steps to cultivating god-given desire
14:30 we run our own sexuality, it doesn’t run us
16:45 What happens when you’re afraid of your sexuality (repression or indulgence)
18:15 Sexual contract - marriage is a chosen relationship; to know and be known
20:45 Marriage pushes your development
21:30 What can my marriage teach me?
22:15 “Ticks and moles”
23:10 You live in the environment that you create
23:45 We self deceive and collude in not dealing with troubles (polite marriage vs intimate marriage)
24:15 Measuring quality of marriage
25:30 Can there be room for the best of both partners? We often want our own limitations to prevail while expecting our spouses’ limitations to disappear
26:00 Victim mentality (guilt your spouse into submission) It may look like there’s peace, but there will be underlying anger and resentment.
27:00 Unrealistic fantasy of “oneness”
28:00 Using the validation of others to sustain your own sense of self
28:50 “In the name of Love, we can sometimes suck the lives out of our spouses” (validate me, reinforce me)
29:45 Choose to love someone, limitations and all
30:00 Breaking the bond of using someone else for your own validation
31:40 Even if your partner says all the right words, it won’t land anywhere if you don’t feel it in your heart
32:30 Taking accountability for your own life
33:15 “False tradition” if women want to develop vs nurture, then they are selfish (we’ve come to earth to develop and create)
34:30 Create a sense of self
34:50 Self deception is Satan’s path
35:20 Taking responsibility for your own emotions
37:25 Don’t try to manage your partner in order to manage yourself. Trying to control things we have no control over, like our spouses, distracts us from focusing on what we CAN control, like ourselves
38:45 What are my blind spots that I have yet to confront?
39:00 One of the kindest things you can do for your partner is to manage yourself (anxiety is infectious). This allows them to in turn manage THEMSELVES
40:20 Ask yourself “what am I pretending not to know about my role in these circumstances”
41:00 Confronting yourself is a scary thing, especially in a sexual relationship
42:00 Own your own desire and ask for what you want vs covert contracts
42:45 Owning your desire exposes you to the possibility of rejection. This is true intimacy and true vulnerability
43:20 “you’re not allowed to complain about not getting something you’ve never asked for”
44:05 it’s easier to sit in an entitled resentment thinking “you owe me” instead of asking for what you want and risking not getting it.
44:45 When we don’t take responsibility of our desires, we stunt the development of our marriages and of ourselves
44:55 if you’re not getting what you want in your marriage - #1 have you asked for it? #2 are you doing your part to create the possibility of getting it?
46:40 We’re good at thinking about all of the things we think we are owed, but not so good at confronting our part in he negative reality we are living in
47:10 Make it easy for your partner to give you what you want
48:25 The theology of Mormonism contains the architecture for creating amazing marriages
49:15 you come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in our marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God.