Dad University Podcast: Recent Episodes
Jason Kreidman, Alan Bush
Part of being an experienced dad is that you have messed up and made some mistakes and hopefully you learned from them. But sometimes we are making mistakes without even knowing it. In this episode of the Dad University Podcast, Jason and Allen discuss seven of the most common mistakes men make as fathers. Learn strategies to avoid making these simple mistakes and improve your parenting skillset.
If you want to learn more parenting tips for dads, you’ll want to checkout out Dad University Program. This program will help you gain more confidence in your parenting, reduce stress, improve your mindset and provides you a proven fatherhood formula.
For more information on the Dad University Program, click here: https://www.daduniversity.com/program…
The unknown can cause anxiety and stress. For most men, fatherhood is a big unknown. In this episode of the Dad University Podcast, Jason and Alan discuss the impact of becoming a new father. They discuss tips and strategies for both new dads and soon-to-be fathers to handle the stress and anxiety of transitioning to the role of fatherhood.
If you want to learn more parenting tips for dads, you’ll want to checkout out Dad University Program. This program will help you gain more confidence in your parenting, reduce stress, improve your mindset and provides you a proven fatherhood formula.
For more information on the Dad University Program, click here: https://www.daduniversity.com/program…
The definition of natural consequence is the logical outcome of a decision that is made. It’s the result of behavior that isn’t planned or controlled Utilize natural consequences can effectively help you parent.
If you want your child to learn, sometimes the best thing you can do is allow them to make mistakes. Natural consequences are a great way to allow your child to safely make mistakes. Your child is resourceful. They will learn from their own mistakes. In this episode of the Dad University Podcast, Jason and Allen discuss strategies to utilize natural consequences when parenting.
If you want to learn more parenting tips for dads, you’ll want to checkout out Dad University Program. This program will help you gain more confidence in your parenting, reduce stress, improve your mindset and provides you a proven fatherhood formula.
For more information on the Dad University Program, click here: https://www.daduniversity.com/program…
Both the toddler and the parent are learning how to deal with each other during this time. Most people associate discipline with punishment. The reality is that punishment doesn't teach the child anything. It's the discussion and explanation of how the situation can be corrected.
In this episode we go over some strategies you can use as you approach dealing with your toddler and how you can keep yourself from going crazy.
Sometimes the most powerful concepts in the world, the things that can literally change the way we think, change the way we live....sometimes these concepts are really simple to understand. So why don’t we implement these things into our life? Most of the time it’s because we THINK they are difficult to do. If you are not familiar with the concept of the Power of Choice, I feel lucky and privileged to be able to introduce it to you. If you are familiar with it, then you know that it can improve the quality of your life, your relationships, your career, or anything else that is important to you. If you are familiar with Tony Robbins, he talks a lot about the Power of Choice. In this podcast episode, we discuss 3 areas of our lives in which you have the power of choice yet so many of us don’t use that power.
New Dad Tips When Bringing the Baby Home From the Hospital Is it your first time bringing your baby home? If your answer is yes, then welcome to the club!
Being a father for the first time is one of the most rewarding and memorable experiences anyone can have. You will be hard-pressed to find anyone who would say otherwise. Setting your newborn on his or her crib as a new father is a moment worthy of some Kodak film or a Hallmark card.
Everybody, from your partner to your in-laws, is abuzz with excitement, and so are you. You may have done your homework about what to do from this point onward. However, the truth is that no amount of research and planning can make you 100% ready for your first daddy shifts.
We are here to show you the ropes. Read our top new dad tips on what to do after you take your newborn home! Tip #1: Take Time Off From Everything After bringing your baby home, the last thing you want is a to-do list — one that includes all your responsibilities from before you became a father. This can include work, side projects, or even school if you are pursuing a degree.
Whatever you had on your plate before, now is not the time to attend to them. You may be familiar with the cliché that being a dad is a full-time job. Well, no other period shows this to you than the first few weeks your newborn is at home.
The first few weeks will be filled with diaper changing, feeding, tending to your partner’s needs, and self-care (yes, this is still important). Hence, you will surely not have time for other things like work or other commitments.
Taking time off from your job will be helpful to your partner, your new child, and to yourself as well. Tip #2: Get Rid of the Idea of Baby Schedules Health care professionals like nurses and midwives may disagree with this tip. However, there is nothing more disconnected than a written schedule of how your baby might behave and reality.
Remember: babies are babies. They have no regard for how you want them to act and when. With this in mind, you will have to get comfortable with the idea of being prepared for everything your baby might throw at you — whenever and wherever this occurs.
For babies, there are no such things as set meal times, diaper changes, and nap times. Wait a few more years before introducing structure into their days and habits. Tip #3: Babies Need Sleep, and You Do Too! Every father will attest to late-night cries and odd-hour diaper changes. Attending to your baby’s needs throughout the day can make being a father seem no different from being a firefighter.
Taking care of your baby can heavily disrupt your sleeping pattern, however well-established it may be. You need to sleep to prevent parent burnout. Since unbroken eight-hour sleep can be a rarity at this point, we have this one recommendation:
Sleep when you can, as often as you can, as long as you can! Tip #4: Approach the First Few Weeks of Fatherhood With a Calm Mentality As rewarding and memorable as it can be, fatherhood can be a nerve-wracking time for many new dads. It’s hard to shake off thoughts of what might be, what can go wrong, and whether we are doing things right.
If you are experiencing these thoughts, know that they are normal. You can even view them in a positive light as they prove how much you care for your baby. However, for your sake, try not to dwell on them.
Worrying too much can add to the mental fatigue you may already be experiencing. So long as your baby sleeps, feeds, cries, breathes, and moves, he or she is doing well — and, of course, so are you, so kudos to you! Tip #5: Only Spend on the Essentials We understand that you want only the best for your newborn. So, do not let us stop you from buying a crib, a set of pillows, some clothes, and even a few mobiles for sensory stimulation. These are essentials that you would be wise to buy.
Essentials can also be anything that helps your partner rest and stay comfortable. After all,
Pregnancy is a unique experience. Unless you have gone through it, it is sort of difficult to understand all of the different things going on. You have your own emotional roller coaster and stress, you have a partner with all of the things she is going through....and life as you know it, is going to change soon.
I know when we were going through pregnancy, I felt a little lost. Sure friends and family members offered some advice. It was such a strange experience and I had never been around kids very much, let alone understand what I was about to go through.
In this podcast, we are going over some pregnancy tips for dads. It’s my advice for you expecting fathers. I do hope they are valuable. Be sure to leave some feedback in the comments section below.
Being a new dad is like nothing else. It's unique. It brings out emotions and shows sides of you that you didn’t even know you had. There are new dad books and even other new dad videos that provide great advice and tips. We have a lot of episodes on this podcast that are hopefully helpful.
Being a teen dad is certainly not an easy situation. You may be feeling scared and stressed that your life is about to change. The questions what do I do? And how am I going to handle this? Are probably coming up pretty frequently. In this podcast, we are talking about specific things you can do to get yourself ready to be a teen dad. How can you prepare yourself and be a great father to your child.
Some men have great role models as fathers while some are very sure they want to be a different father than they have. I consider myself pretty lucky with my father. Now having my own son, I get to pass along some of the same things my father passed along to me.
In this podcast, I want to talk about how to be a good father to a son. What are the attributes that make a good father? Is there really a roadmap? I think there is.
It feels so good to never had made those first-time father mistakes. I didn’t leave the house without diapers and then the child goes to the bathroom all over the place, forget to strap the car seat in, or put on my son’s clothes backward. Glad I never did that stuff. Reality check...we all make mistakes as first-time fathers and we make a lot of them. In this video, I’m going to go over 8 common mistakes made by first-time fathers. This way you get to learn what to not do.
For my entire professional career, I have been an entrepreneur. Coming out of graduate school, I got involved with my mother’s business (she was a very successful author and seminar speaker), and shortly after that started my first real company. I’m not counting the business I started one summer in elementary school as a real company.
Then I had a series of companies that I had either started or been involved with for nearly 25 years. Along the way, I got married and had 2 kids. I’ve learned a lot from that time. Both what to do and certainly what not to do.
In this episode, I wanted to talk about what it’s like to be an entrepreneur dad and offer some tips on how to make it work and maybe some things to avoid. There is actually a term Fatherpreneur. You might be an entrepreneur who is thinking about being a father....or you are already a father and thinking about starting your own business. Either way, I hope some of these tips are valuable for you.
If you are first time dad, you might be feeling a little new dad anxiety. Whether your baby is on the way or you just had it, some thoughts and feelings you have never experienced before are coming up. In this episode, I am going to touch on a few of the most common things that cause new dad anxiety, and then we will go over a few ways that can help you overcome it.
Mindfulness is paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them. It’s being aware of surroundings and our state of being. It can be as simple as just focusing on the present moment. Not dwelling about what happened in the past or worrying about the future. You are focused on the now.
For my own children, practicing mindfulness has helped them be more relaxed and calm. It’s important to keep any practice of mindfulness simple and fun. It also shouldn’t be forced. If they are resistant to a specific practice, try something else. In this video, we are going to go over 5 simple mindfulness exercises for kids. They are fun and really easy to do.
There is a saying, There are only 2 things for certain in life: death and taxes. They really should add a third: that you will be frustrated by trying to get a toddler to listen to you.
Getting a toddler to listen isn’t easy, but it is possible...and this video I'm going to give you some very specific techniques you can use to get your toddler to listen to you...and no, it doesn’t involve bribing them with ice cream or candy
The “I’m the MAN of this house” bravado and “Wait until your father comes home” coming from mom, DOES NOT happen in the house of a Modern Dad. See what defines a Modern Dad in this episode.
When you have a child... and this starts when they are babies, there is something that happens to you when you see your child accomplish something. As a baby, this might be rolling over or taking their first steps, then climbing up the jungle gym, riding their bike for the first time, etc.
Then we get into school things like grades, maybe a music or dance performance, sports, graduation, college, you name it. There are so many moments that affect us as parents. There could be a feeling of joy, a sense of accomplishment, and a feeling of being proud.
However, I’m asking you to stop telling your child you are proud of them. You aren’t helping them. In fact, it could be impacting them in a negative way and in this video, I’m going to tell you why it’s not a good idea and what you should be saying to them instead.
There is a special bond between a father and a daughter. This concept of “girl dad” became really popular recently when Kobe Bryant past away. A story by ESPN’s Elle Duncan highlighted Kobe’s relationship with his daughters and during her interview (in which she was pregnant with a girl) he said “girls are the best”.
Many fathers of daughters feel this same way. It doesn’t take away from the relationship we have with our sons, but being a girl dad is unique, it’s different.
This one is for you new dads with a daughter. In this episode, I am going to go over some new dad tips for girl dads. What makes this relationship so unique and how can you best position your daughter to thrive.
We have all been conditioned that when you do something wrong, you are supposed to get punished. When our kids misbehave, we want solutions on how we can correct their behavior so they don’t do it again. So what are the types of punishment that work best? In this episode, we are going to review a few different common types of punishment and go over whether they are effective or not. Hopefully, by the end of this video, you will be able to choose what type of punishment works best for you and your family.
I don’t know what’s going on in your house, but the first few days of social distancing and self-quarantine because of the coronavirus (or Covid-19) were pretty messed up. I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and depression.
After a couple of days of my pity party, I began doing what I knew I had to do. I needed to figure out how to change my attitude and get rid of the negativity I was pushing on my family and the anxiety I was feeling.
I can tell you it worked. It’s not perfect but boy do I feel better. So in this podcast, we are giving you 5 tips for fighting the coronavirus anxiety and depression that worked for me. Let’s get you feeling good and calm.
For the people who’s companies have transitioned to a remote workforce, you now find yourself being forced to work from home during this coronavirus time. Now, you may like the idea of your commute to work only being a few seconds.
But because schools are closed, you now find yourself handling multiple roles. You are your child’s school teacher, their principle, PE instructor, etc. All still while being their dad.
In this episode we are going over some tips on how you can manage all of these roles at once...just kidding, you can’t do it all at once. But I am going to go over some ways to be able to work from home and still be a dad...all while keeping your sanity. Let’s see if we can find some balance.
In this podcast, I'm going over some parenting tips that maybe you can use during this time. Again, these are things that are working for my wife and me with our kids. By working, I mean we are doing them and keeping fairly calm and not constantly fighting with each other or the kids. So that’s good.
Depression sucks. It knocks you down, makes you not want to be around other people, and can cause havoc in your life...and if you are a dad, then it also certainly affects other people around you...specifically your kids.
That’s often the last thing we want to happen but it does. You might be feeling Dad depression because of financial strain, relationship issues, your job, or a combination of many things. You may feel you are not good enough or should be better. Whatever the reason, I’m telling you, you can get out of it.
I do want to make a disclaimer. I’m not a doctor or a licensed therapist so this information I’m sharing with you is my opinion based on my own experience. If you are having thoughts of suicide or hurting others, please get help immediately.
But In this video, I wanted to talk about dad depression. Why do so many men suffer from it and how can you get out of it.
If you feel you need professional assistance I highly recommend calling one of these numbers.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA) Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 Samaritans: 1-877-870-4673 National Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673 Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255
Becoming a dad is really like nothing else. Let’s face it, we are all pretty clueless in the beginning. Sure we hope you are watching our videos and getting a lot out of them, but becoming a dad is a very unique experience.
Until you actually go through it, you really don’t know what it is like. But of course, if there were something that I wish I would have known. I maybe would have stressed a little less, had fewer arguments with my wife, and just would have enjoyed the early journey a little more.
In this podcast I’m going to go over What I Wish I knew Before Becoming a Dad. You get the benefit of learning from my experience (and mistakes)
The question we are discussing today is “Should new dads take paternity leave?” When first hearing the question, it seems like the answer is an overwhelming yes. Well, of course, this way new dads have the opportunity to bond with their baby and take on important responsibilities at home.
But what if it isn’t that simple? I recently talked with a father of 3 who took paternity leave for 9 months for each of his children. However looking back, he felt like taking that time off was the wrong decision for him.
In today’s episode, I want to dive into this topic a little further. Let’s see if we can answer the question: Should new dads take paternity leave?
If your child is old enough to be in school and you have to get them out the door in the morning or you take them to school at a certain time, you know that the morning routine can be challenging. There is possibly some yelling going on, a child running out the door with shoes in hand, and the urge to break speed limit laws just so your child isn’t late to school. So in this episode, we are going over 5 ways to speed up your morning routine so you can get the kids out the door on time.
This podcast is brought to you by Three Bridges Egg Bites. Three Bridges is committed to giving you a healthy balanced meal, quick, so you can get out the door! Three Bridges Egg Bites are cheesy, meaty, and full of great protein to get you and your little ones through the morning. Check them out at https://threebridges.com/egg-bites/
You just found out your girlfriend is pregnant. This probably wasn’t planned or wanted and you weren’t ready to be a father. It just wasn’t part of your master plan. I understand. That is a difficult thing to deal with. You may be freaking out and trying to make sense of it all.
Well, I’m here to help you. In this episode we are going to answer the question: My girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?
When I was a first time dad, I really wanted to enjoy our new baby. and I did....But if I’m honest, there were those moments where if I was to go back and do it again, I may have done things a little differently. I could have used some first time dad advice.
Now I have a 9 and 11 year old, so my perspective is a little different now. I probably would have enjoyed the baby a little more. In this episode, I’m going over some first time dad advice for you to enjoy your new baby.
A myth is defined as a widely held but false belief or idea. When it comes to fatherhood there are definitely beliefs and ideas that we hear about and just aren’t sure whether they are true or not. Some of the myths are around because at some point in history, they could have been true. I will also say that depending on where you live and/or the culture you are a part of, that could be another reason you hear these myths. Well, what I would like to do in this episode is to talk about these fatherhood myths. You can then decide whether they are real or not.
Pregnancy is a unique experience. It’s all new. It’s scary and exciting all wrapped into one. But let's be honest, we have it much easier than our wives. Our wives have to go through the physical changes, the hormones, and the actual process of labor. But as a soon to be dad, we want to help. In fact it’s a question I get a lot. How can I help my pregnant wife? So in this episode, we are going to give you some suggestions on how you can help her during the pregnancy.
In episode 256 of the Dad University Podcast, we discuss things that can help you feel less overwhelmed. When becoming a new dad, there is so much transition and so many new problems coming up that you may not have dealt with in the past. To help you feel less stressed and less overwhelmed listen to these great tips Jason has to offer.
I’ve been asked this quite a few times, in fact, I just went on YouTube live the other day and this question came up and I got it again through Facebook yesterday. , How do I deal with an overbearing mother in law. I’m going to provide some specific tips but I want to first cover some general advice. This doesn’t matter whether it’s your mother in law, father-in-law, your wife’s sister or her brother....this applies to anyone on your wife’s side of the family. If there is a problem, it is not for you to get involved. This was actually advice I received from my mother many years ago. She had dealt with some issues on my father’s side and made it clear that going over family lines was a no-no. If something bad was to happen, there is the possibility of no return. You see, this isn’t your blood family. Unconditional love isn’t a requirement. Let’s say you have an argument with your wife’s sister. You may not ever recover. You need to stay out of crossing that family line. You discuss the issue with your wife and your wife needs to handle it. She is the one that needs to talk with her mother about whatever the issues are. If she is unable or unwilling, then the issue is between you and your wife. If something happens with your parents, you are the one that needs to handle it. Your wife should not be getting in arguments with your parents. It works both ways. Have that talk with your wife and be clear about your family too. You will deal with your family and she will deal with hers.
Ok, now that we know you aren’t to get involved with your wife’s side of the family, let’s get to some tips on how to deal with an overbearing mother in law. When you have a child, you sometimes get a little more sensitive to people’s suggestions or advice or their parenting style. My mom used to say “what happens at grandma's house, stays at grandma's house." She had given the kids candy and was upset about it. She explained it to me this way. Jason, if my grandkids remember my house and being with me as fun because they got candy, I think that’s ok. After my mom passed away I realized how valuable that was. Whether it’s our in-laws or our own parents, they may do things a little different than we choose to do.
Anyways, here are some things to keep in mind:
1) It’s a package deal – You probably knew what you signed up for when you said: “I do”. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, they all come with the package when you marry. Especially if your wife is close with her family, then you have to keep in mind that it is a package deal. That will help you keep perspective.
2) Be nice – Yes I’m saying to smile and be nice. You don’t have to get along perfectly with your mother in law and you don’t need to fake a relationship if it’s not there, but you still should nice and respectful. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and smile.
3) Set boundaries – Well, your wife needs to set the boundaries. Discuss the boundaries you want to set with your wife and once you both agree, she needs to communicate them to her mom. Does she need to call before she comes over? Does the baby need to go to sleep at a certain time? Be clear what your wishes and instructions are. Don’t expect they will all be followed or respected but she can certainly try.
4) Don’t take it personally – She may be an unhappy woman or just very opinionated. Don’t let what she says affect you. She could be critical of your parenting, or how you do things. Great, let her have an opinion.
5) Take it into consideration – When your mother in law makes a suggestion or provides advice, a good phrase to use is “We will take that into consideration”. It doesn’t make you have to do it at least acknowledges that you hear what she is saying and will think about it. Even if you have no intention of taking her advice, the fact that you will consider it may be enough.
6) Get to know her – I mean really get to know her.
Having already been through the newborn phase years ago, it’s much easier now to look back and realize how much I worried about specific things related to the baby that I didn’t really need to worry about. At the time so many of these things seemed really important or like they are a big deal when you are dealing with them. But as I look back I can now say I wish I would have worried less and not really cared so much about these things. So in this podcast, I’m going over 10 Things New Dads Don’t Need to worry about. Having a baby is like nothing else we have ever experienced. So I understand the worry. I’m just trying to help you guys understand that you may not need to spend so much time and effort worrying.
Let’s get to it
1) Messing up - you are going to mess up.
2) Saying No – This doesn’t mean saying no to your child, it means saying no to everyone else. While there are times you wish life just stopped or at least slowed down for you, everything else is still happening around you. The difference is that you are dealing with a baby which adds a little
3) Getting Everything - From 3 different strollers depending on the situation, too many toys, monitors, numerous swings and seats....it’s enough. If you have a baby registry, try to focus on things that matter: diapers, food, clothes.
4) What other people think - Your family and friends will have opinions, great, let them have one but don’t let it get to you. You may have parents or in-laws who may tell you how something should be done. A great response is “I’ll take that into consideration”.
5) Not getting enough sleep - You will be sleep deprived for a bit and probably be tired but it doesn't last forever. The baby eventually learns how to sleep.
6) No more ME time – Whether you want to hang with the guys, exercise, or you have some other hobby, you still can do it. You just may need to manage your time a little differently. Maybe cut out some of the TV or screen time. You would be surprised how much free time frees up.
7) Not Having enough experience – Do you know how many millions of men have become fathers before you. I don’t know the exact number but it’s a lot.
8) Achieving Milestones – The evaluation of your baby starts right at birth when they tell you how much it weighs and the length. Then the pediatrician visit will tell you your baby’s head is 95 percentile and the weight is 65.
It’s here we start to worry about when the baby is going to roll over, crawl, then walk. Don’t worry about it.
9) Spoiling the baby – you aren’t going to give the baby too much affection. There isn’t such thing as holding the baby too much or picking it up when it cries. Really for the first year, your attention is all good. The baby will feel loved, safe, and secure. There is nothing wrong with that.
10) Bonding with the baby - It can take some time.
I would love to hear from you. Leave your feedback below!
It doesn’t matter if you have a newborn, toddler, small child, teen, or adult child, you will get annoyed at something they do. We’ll, newborns aren’t really that annoying...they are cute and don’t know what is going on, so nevermind them. But the rest of these kids? You better believe that they can get on our nerves, a lot. In this episode, we are going to share with you what to do when your child annoys you.
Let me describe a scenario that absolutely annoys me. See if you can relate. I have a pretty eventful date at work, calls, meetings, customers...I’m tired. I get home from work and walk toward my front door. I haven’t even gotten inside and at my front door is there is a bicycle that is supposed to go in the garage, muffin wrappers, and a pair of really muddy shoes. Now if I was a positive thinker I would look at that situation and say to myself, “wow look how good my kids are.” They came outside to eat instead of getting crumbs all over our entryway. They took their shoes off so they wouldn’t get mud in the house. They left the bike outside and didn’t bring it through the house.
But instead, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed at my kids because they left a mess at the front door. I haven’t even gotten inside yet and I’m annoyed. We don’t need to go into detail about how this same mess is happening in other rooms. The important detail is that the house was cleaned yesterday. In less than 24 hours, these children have managed to cause havoc...and to annoy me.
So what do we do? Well, we YELL of course. “Get this bike out here. Clean up these wrappers, and hose off your shoes NOW!” That will teach them. This will never happen again....until tomorrow. Let’s get to the reason you are watching this video. You are saying to yourself “yep, my child is annoying” what can I do?
Here it goes, listen carefully: If your child annoys you, it is your problem. Let me repeat it because I that may not have been crystal clear: If your child annoys you, you are the one with the issue. This doesn’t mean your child doesn’t need to be taught what to do, what to say, or how to behave. It means we are responsible for our own feelings and how we react.
We actually get to decide how we feel. Two different people can walk up to that scenario I explained and have 2 completely different feelings. One can be totally annoyed, and the other can handle it calmly. How we react can also be determined by other unrelated interactions. Maybe you dealt with a difficult situation at work that day, maybe you received bad news about a friend. There are so many inputs that happen throughout the day. we have to be aware of how those inputs affect how we interact with our kids and could determine whether they annoy you or not. I’m making light of a very profound concept. It is easier than it sounds but I’m telling you if you can practice this and even just make a little progress, your life and how you interact with drastically improve.
How do we begin to make the choice? The choice that our child doesn’t annoy us. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Pause – Stop and notice that you are feeling or getting annoyed. Is your heart rate increasing, maybe you begin to breathe faster...notice the actual physical changes in your body
Breathe – Take an extra-long, deep breath. You just realized you are feeling annoyed so take a second with your pause and breathe.
Ask yourself; Why am I feeling this way? you may not have the exact answer right away but the answer can’t include your child. Meaning you can’t answer it with “Because my child made a mess”. In the example I gave about coming home to the stuff at the front door. I get annoyed because I like a clean house. I clean my things up and feel like others should too. I also have discussed this issue numerous times so there is a feeling of not being listened to.
Take responsibility for your feelings – Recognize it is your choice for feeling anno...
In this episode, we are talking about how to be a good father. I’ll at least tell you want I think it takes. But you are going to have to put in the work. Being a good father can mean different things to different people. For some, it might mean that when your child is an adult, they will actually call you to go to lunch. For others, being a good father means your child moves out of the house on their own a contributing member of society. I set out to really define what I thought is needed to be a good father. So I created what I call the Fatherhood Formula. The Fatherhood formula is 7 principles of dad success. We have talked about the 7 principles here on the podcast. I have also made a YouTube series of it. Whether you are a soon to be father, new father, or experienced father just looking to improve your skills, the Fatherhood Formula covers some serious ground in explaining what it takes to be a good father.
Let’s jump into it.
1 Commitment - Is your role as a father a priority to you? You have to be committed. It’s like anything that you want to go well, you have to commit to it and make it a priority. You are watching this video so I’m hoping you are already committed. But it’s crucial to remember this for the future. You are going to be challenged. You are going to have other things pull at your time and energy. Being a good father requires that commitment from you. Don’t take it lightly.
2 Contact - You may have had a father who you felt was a good dad, but they weren’t very affectionate. Well, they could have been even better if they were affectionate. Touch is crucial. The affection of a father is powerful and meaningful. Give your child hugs and kisses. It doesn’t matter what age and you aren’t going to spoil them with too much affection. Hold their hand (while they still will with you). Put your arm around them. Sit close to each other while watching TV. Just remember that contact will help make you a good father.
3 Connection – All humans thrive on and need connection. The negative part is that if you don’t connect with them in a good way, they are more likely to connect to others in a bad way. Fathers can connect with their kids through play, the contact I just discussed, reading with them, etc. But Connection takes a lot of effort. And for some fathers, even the idea of connection is foreign or uncomfortable. We also have a tendency to try to connect in a way that feels good for us. You have to connect in a way that feels good for your child. What do they like to do? To talk about? You can’t think about yourself, you need to think about it from their point of view. You are waiting for them to feel connected.
4 Communication – We often think that communication is us talking. But for kids communication is us listening to them. Us men aren’t always good at listening. We sometimes have a tendency to want to provide advice even when it’s not asked of us. Also, what you say is only 7% Communicating with your child 3% is how you say it and your non-verbal communication. If you don’t believe this, think about when you were a kid and knew exactly what your dad was thinking just by him giving you a look. He didn’t even need to say anything.
5 - Character – You want to know how to be a good father? Lead by example. Your character and how you handle yourself is crucial. They are watching you, listening to you, and will do what you do. How do you treat mom? The people around you? Are you expecting things from your child that you are not doing yourself? Whether it's positive or negative, you are showing them the way through your character.
The #6 principle on how to be a good father - Coaching – Switch your thinking from a parent to a coach. When your child messes up, you don’t yell at them. You show them the proper way to do whatever it is they messed up on. Like a coach preparing a player for a game,
Becoming a new dad is a moment that’s full of incredible joy and excitement coupled with numerous fatherhood fears and worries. Let’s face it: Fatherhood is scary. Dads everywhere have these same fears and we are here to help answer your questions and support your efforts to be worthy of the greatest trophy of all, a “world’s greatest dad” mug to decorate your desk at work.
- What is the process of labor and delivery?
Labor and Delivery will be like nothing you’ve ever been through, and you’re not even the one giving birth to a child! Be ready to support the mother of your child through this monumental effort and be the rock that she needs should anything not go as planned. There are numerous resources available to you to help prepare for this. 81% of fathers have shared that it was rewarding for them to be present during the labor and delivery process. WebMD provides an excellent checklist for fathers to go through as they prepare for this moment in their family’s life.
- Fear of health issues for the baby before and after pregnancy
Every dad out there has their worries and fears for the health of their child. There is a wealth of reputable resources out there, but most importantly, express your concerns to your wife and her doctor. They will be your best resources for knowing how to take care of your child during and after pregnancy
- Will I ever be able to provide financially?
Many new and soon-to-be dads ask this and similar questions. “Will I be able to even afford to have a baby?”. The answer is “Yes!” Make providing for your new baby and wife a priority in your life and you will find ways to make things work. There are even federal, state, and county government programs in place to help new families that are struggling financially.
- Will I ever get to sleep again?
Sleep will be hard to come by shortly. But that period comes to an end! Just remember that you and your wife are on the same team. If she is breastfeeding you will need to help where possible to allow her as much rest as she can get, knowing that she will be doing all the feeding. If your baby is drinking formula, this is your time to shine. Take some of the night shifts so she can get some rest.
- The effects of pregnancy and your new baby on your sex life
You will need to defer decisions on this subject to your baby’s mother and her doctors here. Some couples continue to have sex safely through much of pregnancy, but some women may not be interested in the slightest. They are tired, uncomfortable, and often sex will be the last thing on their mind.
After your baby is born, the doctor typically recommends 6 weeks before resuming any sexual activity. However, defer to your wife and her doctor again here. She will be tired from late nights, breastfeeding, and recovering from childbirth. Open communication is key to a healthy continuation of your sexual relationship with her.
- How can I keep my child safe?
In a 2015 survey on dad's fears, keeping their child safe made up 20% of all responses. Worries range from fear of holding your baby without dropping them to fear of not being able to provide adequate supervision to keep them safe. Work with your wife to find a balance between allowing the baby to explore the world and being safe. Babies require care but are often more resilient than you think. If you’re ever worried, bring it up at the baby’s next doctor’s appointment and ask what you can do to help keep baby safe.
- How will I be able to maintain a work-life balance?
This will look different for every family. In the case of some new dads, they find that having a new baby forces them to find a better work-life balance than they had previously. Communicate with your wife to figure out what your goals are for spending time together as a family.
- Will everything we do center around the kids?
For a time, yes. As the baby grows, they will become more independent.
We are talking about how to get your baby to sleep through the night. But before we do, I want to introduce our sponsor of today’s podcast: PUREBOOST
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Alright, let’s get back to getting our babies to sleep. Sleeping through the night is one of the primary goals when your child is firstborn. Everyone is asking: did he sleep through the night? How is her sleeping doing? Are you making it through the night with that little one? Seriously.
There are a couple of popular sleep training methods to mention. Most experts and pediatricians suggest waiting until about 3-4 months old to start any kind of sleep training for a baby. So if you have a newborn you might want to wait a bit before you do something like this. Here are a couple of popular methods:
1) Ferber method – This was a technique created by Dr. Richard Ferber in which you allow the baby to cry for a certain amount of time before comforting them. The time gets longer and longer as you go on but the idea is that the baby learns to self-soothe so that if they do wake up in the night, they can go back to sleep.
2) Cry It Out – Do you know why baby’s cry? Because it works. A baby quickly learns that if it cries, someone will provide it attention. With the cry it out method, you basically are allowing the baby to cry itself to sleep. The idea is that eventually, the baby learns that crying doesn’t work for getting the attention. The cry it out method is often tougher on the parents than it is for the baby. I remember trying this with our first child and after 45 minutes straight we couldn’t take it anymore.. He was supposed to fall asleep already according to this method, but he didn’t.
3) The No cry method – This is also sometimes known as the no tears method. When your baby cries, you pick them up for reassurance and then put them back down. You do this as much as needed.
The main idea here is creating a comfortable sleep routine and sticking with it. A lot of different approaches may fall under the no cry method but ultimately you are comforting the child. Every child is different and like with most things, you need to see what sleep training method works best for you and your child. Keep in mind too, none of these sleep training methods work after one day. It can take a week, two, or even more.
Now there are some tips that I found really helpful in getting our baby to sleep through the night and I think they apply no matter which method you use.
1) Stick to a schedule - Put them down to sleep at the same time every night. For some, this may be hard because of your own schedule but you need to figure out a way to keep the baby on a schedule for sleeping.
2) Put them down earlier – Contrary to logic, putting them down earlier helped them sleep longer...at least for both of my kids. Ideal bedtime is earlier than you probably think. Try 6:00-6:30 to put them down.
3) Establish a bedtime routine – In addition to the schedule, establish a routine. You do the bath then pajamas, then a book, then feeding, then sleep. Kids thrive on routine and knowing what comes next. Keep everything in the same order. Routines worked really well with our children in helping them sleep through the night. The key is that as a parent, you have to stick to the routine.
4) Remove Distractions – Get all of the mobiles,
Congratulations, you are going to be a new dad and you have a baby on the way. Hopefully, you have already watched some of our pregnancy-related videos. If you haven’t, be sure to check them out after you are done with this one. We have listeners from all over the world, but in the US, the majority of births are done in hospitals, delivery a baby outside a hospital is becoming more popular. We recognize that are other types of delivery room scenarios in addition to labor and delivery rooms in a hospital. There are birthing centers, you may be delivering at home, or other scenarios. These tips will hopefully be helpful regardless of where the birth may be taking place.
I was pretty lucky. My wife was a labor and delivery nurse for many years before we had our first child. While she said it was a lot different going through it herself, she was very familiar with everything. You have already made the decision that you are going to be in the room when your child is born. If you only get one thing from this video, understand that your main purpose as a new dad and being in the delivery room is to support her. Yes, it is your child, you want to experience the birth of your child, and you want to share that experience with your wife. But’s let’s be honest, she carried the baby for 9 months inside her and is the one going through the physical process of labor. You got the easy job on this one.
Tip #1: Find Out What She Expects From You – You don’t want to find out afterward that she really wanted you to be holding her hand during labor and you were an excited new dad busy taking videos. Have a conversation beforehand and listen to her. What would she like you to do or what expectations does she have? You’ll get some points just for asking those questions.
2 - Know Your Limits – Birth, in general, is a pretty messy process. If you are squeamish by the sight of blood, then know you don’t want to see that. That’s ok. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything you are not comfortable with. Various birthing situations usually provide options. You may be able to stay near her head and not see all of the details. Keep in mind you may have to balance this is she has any expectations about this. Which is why you have to have the discussion beforehand.
3- Be Her Advocate – Does she need something from the doctor? Is she uncomfortable? Is the staff not providing the level of attention that she may need? You need to step up and be her advocate when you are in the delivery room. Be her voice so she doesn’t have to deal with that and can focus on the birth.
4 - Stay Calm – This is sometimes a tough one for new dads in the delivery room. In addition to her, you possibly have a family to deal with. There is stress, excitement, and labor can often take a long time. The important thing is to remain calm the best you can. You remaining calm will hopefully help her remain a little calmer.
5 Expect the Unexpected – Be flexible. You can have the most detailed birth plan in the world and think everything is going to happen a certain way, but there are no guarantees. There are so many variables when it comes to birth, you have to be ready to expect the unexpected. Roll with it. Something comes up, you adjust.
As a new dad in the delivery room, you do have a big responsibility. Supporting your wife is a big deal and it’s important. This is an experience you get to share together. Work as a team and be there for her.
This is a topic that most parents prefer to avoid talking about – death. It’s uncomfortable and can bring up emotions and feelings that you just don’t want to deal with. When we have kids, we want to protect them from harm and anything unpleasant and death is very unpleasant...it sucks. But the truth is that death is a reality. We all die eventually and nearly everyone experiences the unfortunate death of someone that they love.
So how do we talk about death to our children? These are some things to help you discuss death with your child.
Whether it’s a parent, friend, relative, child, or even someone in the public eye, a death can really affect us. Most of us are not taught how to deal with death. Of course, this can vary culture to culture as some cultures treat death differently than others. I wanted to share with you some of my own personal experience with this process. My mother had passed away years ago after a long battle with cancer. It was devastating for my entire extended family. My son was 3 years old at the time and my daughter was 1.
For my 1-year-old daughter, there wasn’t much to deal with. But for my 3-year-old son, he knew grandma well and had questions. But forget about knowing how I should communicate the death of their grandma to my kids, I didn't know to deal with it for myself. I ended up going to grief counseling which was a game-changer. My therapist Jim, was absolutely instrumental in helping me through an extremely difficult time. I interviewed Jim on my podcast a few years ago. Today, I wanted to share with you what I learned about talking to my kids about death and hopefully, it can help you through the process:
1) Be honest – Don't hide it. Don’t sweep it under the rug. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Of course with all of these tips, there are going to be differences in how you deal with it based on the child’s age. We said that grandma died of cancer and is now in heaven. My son didn’t quite grasp it all but he did understand that he wasn’t going to see grandma anymore. She was now up in the sky. It was cute...one time a helium balloon accidentally left our hands and went into the sky, my son said: “don’t worry, grandma will catch it”. Be honest with your kids. There is a lot of value in the truth
2) Be empathetic - Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes. Look at the death from their perspective. Their age is going to make a difference. Maybe it was a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Your child may have a completely different relationship to the person who died than you did. Try to look at it from their perspective.
3) Use the word death – Sometimes we use different words thinking that it will make the situation easier to handle. We may use terms like passing away and as adults, we understand this. But for kids, “passing away” or “gone to sleep forever” can be confusing and even scary to kids thinking they could go to sleep and not wake up. Use the word death and it makes it very clear what you are talking about.
4) Allow yourself to grieve – This was the single most important thing I learned. Giving myself permission to cry, be angry, and feel all of the emotions that I went through. Don’t judge yourself because you are crying. Don’t judge yourself on how you are dealing with it. Giving yourself permission to feel whatever you do. Everyone deals with it differently so allow yourself to grieve.
5) Let your kids see your emotions – This was hard for me in the beginning because I felt I had to be strong around my kids and that meant I didn’t want them to see me cry. I didn’t want them to see me sad as I felt it would make them sad. But I learned that I needed to grieve...and if it happened to be around my children then ok. They saw that dad was sad and would sometimes ask questions. I would then say, yes, I am really sad about grandma's death. We will all be ok but yes I am sad.” This actually made me human to my kids.
You can take the toughest, meanest man in the world, and the one thing that can turn him into a softy is a baby daughter. Daughters have this power over a new dad much more than sons do. But we also often treat our daughters differently than our sons. Is that a good thing? In this episode, we are going to discuss some ways we may treat our daughters differently and go over some tips for new dads with daughters.
If you have a new baby girl or have a daughter on the way these are some things you can do (or at least think about) right now.
Be Physical – A study, published in the American Psychological Association's journal Behavioral Neuroscience, confirms that dad play more physical (like rough and tumble) with their sons than they do with their daughters. Dads with daughters focused more on emotional responses, like making facial expressions, singing, etc. So this means we are reinforcing gender stereotypes from the time they are born. Children benefit from all kinds of stimulation. Your daughter will benefit from you being physical with her. Play rough and tumble with her, wrestle. Do the same physical things you would do if you had a boy. Being physical is good for her.
Compliment Her But Not on Her Appearance – Your daughter doesn’t have control or has a choice of how she looks.....and we are all guilty of focusing on external things. Instead of telling your daughter “You are so pretty” or “You have such a beautiful smile” say something like “I’m really lucky to be your dad” or if she does something great, you can say “You did that by yourself”. It’s great to use encouraging words that allow her to feel good inside.....and please Don’t call your daughter princess. If she feels good about the inside, she will feel good about the outside. It doesn’t usually work in reverse.
Avoid Pinkification - Don't succumb to the pinkification of girlhood. Her toys don’t have to be pink, they don’t have to be what people would consider girl’s toys. Let her decide what she likes. Does she like to play with cars, tools, or action figures? Great, let her make her own choices. The same goes for clothes. Not every piece of clothing has to be a pink frilly dress nor does it need to always be gender-neutral, but be mindful of what you are choosing to purchase. As she gets older, she will begin to choose what she likes. Allow her to be an individual and make her own choices.
The next one may apply a little more as she gets a little older but I want you to start getting this engrained in your head NOW, while your daughter is still young...
Don’t Limit What She Can do – Other than the direction of wiping when changing a diaper...and BTW always go front to back with your daughter, there really should not be much difference on what little girls do versus boys. She should be able to get dirty, play any sport she chooses, be rough, or do anything else you or others might think is “for boys”.
Being a dad with a daughter is a special gift. It is up to us fathers to make sure we love them unconditionally and support them to thrive. How they view this world is highly impacted by our interactions with them. Go hug and kiss your daughter and let her know how lucky you are to be her dad.
For many people in North America, being thankful and expressing gratitude is something that only happens once a year. Having a holiday like Thanksgiving shines a light on being thankful and forces everyone to stop and think about gratitude for a second. The thing we are missing out on is that practicing gratitude is so powerful, that it can literally change your life. Do you get depressed often? Do you find yourself wanting more all the time? A better car? A nicer house? Is your relationship rocky? Do you find yourself arguing all the time? Do your kids drive you crazy? What if I told you that all of these things can improve with gratitude?
While thanksgiving is primarily a North American holiday, there are other countries that have similar holidays in which giving thanks and being grateful is part of the celebration. For many years, one of the traditions of my family was going around the room at Thanksgiving dinner and saying something that you were thankful for. Certainly, it’s a great exercise, especially for young kids to be thinking about gratitude and what they are thankful for. I can’t emphasize enough how impactful gratitude can be. One of the areas I just mentioned was depression.
Gratitude is the antidote to depression. Let me say that again because it’s really important: gratitude is the antidote to depression. It is nearly impossible to be depressed if you are grateful.
So if you are someone that feels down a lot. You need to start practicing gratitude. Here’s a disclaimer first. If you have severe depression, thought of suicide, or have tried many things with no luck, please seek professional help in your area. But for many people who feel down, if there was an easy and FREE way to get you out of your ruts, to bounce back from those times when you are feeling down, would you do it? I’m not promising this happens overnight, although there have been times where this will change my thought immediately.
Here are a couple of things you can do to practice gratitude:
1) Write down what you are grateful for. Put a notepad next to your bed and right when you wake up or right before you go to sleep, write down 3 things you are grateful for. I am thankful for the roof over my head, that I have food to eat.. Or maybe you are thankful that your children are healthy. Writing it down is very important as it solidifies it. While there might be some huge weights keeping you down right now, you are trying to train your brain to think about the positive things instead of the bad. And it works.
2) Gratitude Meditation – Use YouTube or a meditation app and find a 5 minute guided gratitude meditation. You close your eyes and someone will talk you through the meditation. It’s easy, only takes a few minutes, and it can leave you feeling great afterward.
3) Replace Negative Thoughts With Gratitude – Catch yourself when you say something negative or are thinking about something negative and replace it with a positive, gratitude statement. For example, this traffic is horrible. Replace the thought with “I can’t do anything about this traffic, I’m going to listen to some music and enjoy the time I have in the car.” This one is not easy. We all have constant negative thoughts throughout the day. You have to catch yourself when you do this and turn it around. There are so many ways in which gratitude and being thankful can positively impact our lives: Are you wanting more things all the time? Car? House? We need to be grateful for what we already have. More things will come into our lives when we appreciate what we already have. Are you critical of your spouse and always pointing out what they are doing wrong? Turn it around and focus on what they are doing right. Did your wife take care of the baby this morning? Be grateful you have a partner you trust to watch your child. Did clean underwear just magically appear in your drawer? Be grateful someone else did your laundry.
Sitting there waiting for someone to finish being on their phone is not very enjoyable. You are being ignored and not paid attention to. This is phubbing, the combination of being on your phone and snubbing someone. It's happening all over but especially within families. In today's podcast, we are going to go over what you can do if someone is phubbing you and if you are the one guilty of phubbing, we will give a few tips so you can stop it. There is an overarching category to when technology devices interrupt or intrude our lives, this is defined as technoference. It's the mix of technology and interference. This is happening in our families and only getting worse as rings, notifications beeps and vibrations happen more frequently.
You are playing with your child and your phone in your pocket beeps or vibrates. You got a message! You have to check it and that is a technoference.
Taking it a step further, If you are paying attention to your mobile phone instead of the person you are with, you are a phubber. Phubbing effects our families (including our children and spouses) as well as our friends and people in the workplace.
The word phubbing was created by the McCann advertising agency in 2012 as part of a marketing campaign for the Macquarie Dictionary. It means the combination of phone and snubbing. When someone phubs you, you may feel less important, rejected , or excluded and this can have a negative impact on you. It's not a good feeling.
Now, the most common phubbing that happens is between partners or spouses. If it is your spouse who is phubbing you, here are a few things you can do to try to reduce it:
1) Have a direct conversation - Your spouse may not even realize that they are phubbing you. Have a phubbing intervention. You may say, "Sometimes when we are together, and even when I'm talking to you. your head is in your phone. I'm being phubbed and I feel like you are ignoring me. Let them know it's not welcomed.
2) Be more entertaining or interesting - You might not like this one but take a hard look at yourself and see if maybe you are really boring. Is the phubbing possibly justified because you are not making any effort to engage your spouse. Ask them to go on a walk, play a game, do something rather than just sitting and wishing they would pay attention to you.
3) Create rules - In our house, we have a rule that there are no electronics at the dinner table. Maybe when you are on a date together, phones are put away and only used to be available for an emergency. Come up with the rules regarding phone usage when together that are realistic and that you both can live by.
These tips can help you reduce your spouse's phubbing. But what if you are the phubber? What if you are phubbing your children? If you are, then you are communicating to them that the phone is more important than them.
Whether you are phubbing your spouse or your child, there are some things you can do to try to end your phubbing.
1) Reduce notifications - Turning them off is best but I understand this may be too revolutionary of a concept. But is there anything that important that can't wait? You have to know that someone sent you a Facebook or Instagram message? Turning off or reducing notifications can help reduce the temptation to even be on your phone. This can pre-empt the phubbing. You get a message and before you know it, you are down a deep rabbit hole of pictures of classic cars.
2) Ask yourself: Can this wait? - When you pull out your phone, is it really that important? Or are you simply on autopilot, bored, or not even realizing you are doing it? Before you grab your phone, ask yourself if it can wait. 3) Be present - If your spouse or child is in the room and you happen to be on your phone, maybe consider putting the phone down or away. Show them that they are more important than the phone. When you are alone, go for it. But when others are present,
Well although it’s past already, October was national bullying prevention month. Unlike the playground and school bullying of yesterday, today's bullying doesn't allow you to feel safe at home and the ease to be anonymous can make the threats and fear much worse. Welcome to Cyberbullying. Through the use of social media, text messages, and email....cyberbullying is the nightmare that too many kids are having to deal with.
According to the Pew Research Center, 59% of U.S. teens have experienced cyberbullying. That's a big number! On this podcast, we are going to discuss some of the effects of cyberbullying and how we as parents can help stop it.
Before we dive into Cyberbullyingg I want to introduce you to our sponsor of this podcast, the app Bark.
Bark is an app that monitors texts, YouTube, email, and 24 social media platforms and apps. It looks for interactions that are perceived as harmful and detects them. Cyberbullying is one of the things bark looks for, but also drugs/alcohol, sex, mental health, suicide, etc. Once something is detected it notifies you the parent via text and email. This avoids you having to go through all of your child's messages and posts which can be extremely time-consuming but also can feel like an invasion of privacy. Bark monitors everything and simply notifies you when there is something of concern.
Bark is offering Dad University listeners a special 1 free month and if you like it there is a small monthly fee...it is so worth it. Bark also works with schools for free which is awesome. You can visit bark.us/daduniversity and get your 1 month free. I’ll also link it in the show notes. https://www.bark.us/?ref=daduniversity#signup
When I was growing up, kids would spread false rumors, name call, or receive physical threats. And if you were bullied like this it felt horrible. So you take that bully behavior and you amplify it, add the ability to do it 24/7, add anonymity, and then you have cyberbullying.
Cyberbullying brings harassment to another level, outing people by sharing private information, excluding someone from online discussions and then talking about them, to even setting up fake profiles just to harass someone. The effects of cyberbullying are pretty troublesome. Similar to traditional bullying, some of the effects include
depression anxiety poor grades lower self-esteem health-related issues alcohol or drug use
Kids who are cyberbullied often feel that they can't escape it. The bullying is etched in history online and it seems it will last forever. They feel lonely, powerless, and they will often lose sleep because of it.
So how can we prevent or stop cyberbullying? As a parent, we need to make sure our children are aware of how wrong any type of bullying is. So, of course, we absolutely want to make sure our child is not doing the bullying. Another important part is that children understand that being a witness of cyberbullying and doing nothing about it, is also bad. Kids need to feel confident enough to intervene and let their peers know that it is not ok to cyberbully someone else.
While there are currently no federal laws on cyberbullying, state laws are taking shape and schools are becoming more involved as they realize the escalating problem. But we can't always leave it up to the law.
Here are some additional ways to stop cyberbullying:
1) Know what your child is doing online - You need to be aware of the apps they are using and how they interact with those apps. Make it easy on yourself and use a service like our sponsor Bark. Monitor what they are doing online.
2) Take it seriously - Be sure to investigate if something is going on. Don't minimize what your child could be experiencing. Catching these situations early is going to make it easier to stop.
3) Look for warning signs - Stopbullying.gov says to look out for changes in device usage patterns, watch for emotional responses to their device,
Traditions & rituals are practices or beliefs which are passed down from generation to generation. There are a couple of types of traditions. Religious traditions, Holiday traditions, Cultural traditions, and Family Traditions. For this podcast I want to focus on family traditions. We will cover why family traditions are important and go over some family tradition examples you can implement.
For me, some of my favorite memories as a kid were around family traditions. Having dinner nearly every night together, my mom and I going through the drive-through of a fast-food restaurant every week, or my sisters and I traveling for this big swim meet every year and we got to stay in a hotel.
Now as a parent I look back at those family traditions I had and I want to create some with my own kids. Here are 9 reasons why family traditions are important to me.
1) They create positive memories - and the memories last a lifetime. Some of mine go back 35-40 years to when I was a young child.
2) Family traditions provide consistency or continuity - Children thrive on routine. We see that from when they are a baby, into toddlers, and beyond. Consistency is a positive thing for kids.
3) It promotes bonding - Whether you are spending time doing a family tradition or the family tradition involved beliefs, it offers that cohesiveness that promotes bonding.
4) Family traditions help create a sense of identity - This is our family thing, this is what we do. That sense of identity can be very valuable to children as they get older. The lack of identity can sometimes lead them down an unwanted path.
5) Shows commitment - It's not easy to commit to something on a regular basis. Commitment is an important trait.
6) It Increases family values - Family traditions reinforce the importance of family. Sure there are other factors but I think my family's traditions growing up did contribute to me realizing how important family was.
7) Offers belonging - Like the sense of identity, feeling like you belong to something is really crucial to nearly all humans. If it's not in a positive way, we will seek it out in a negative way.
8) Family traditions are something to look forward to - Through research, it has been found that one of the keys to happiness is having something to look forward to. Family traditions can help with that.
9) Most of the time they are fun and enjoyable - They typically have an overall positive impact on your mood.
So now you understand why family traditions are so important. They can have a huge impact on our lives. There are tons of examples of family traditions, but if you are looking for some inspiration, here are some family tradition ideas:
1) Secret Handshake - Maybe when you are holding your child's hand, you squeeze it 3 times to say "I love you". My wife and I do this along with our kids.
2) Bedtime Stories - Whether you read out of a book or make them up, bedtime stories never get old. Well, your teen might think differently.
3) Family Game night - Bust out those old fashioned board games or cards and play some games to create a family tradition.
4) Movie night - Make some popcorn and rotate who gets to choose the movie. You can be really adventurous and even set up a movie screen outside.
5) Saturday/Sunday morning breakfast - make a special meal or go out on the weekends where you get to take your time and enjoy each other's company.
6) Have a Weekly family meeting - We talk about this in our video about family rules, but a weekly family meeting can be a great tradition for everyone to know what is going on.
7) Family Service Day - Volunteer as a family. This could be for your local community, religious organization, or even just your neighborhood. Teaching the kids about volunteering is an extra bonus.
8) Family Vacations - Whether you go to the same place every year or switch it up, either way, those family vacations will be memorable and you will ...
If you are about to have a baby or you just had one, you are probably feeling a lot of different emotions. You may be excited, scared, happy, or even anxious. The combination of all of those emotions is pretty common. To set expectations and be very clear, everyone is different. I also want to say right off the bat, it's ok if you don't feel the bond with the baby right away.
I remember my wife and I brought our first child (our son) home from the hospital and we set him on the bed, we looked at each other, and I said "ok, now what do we do".
She was a labor and delivery nurse so she was a lot more comfortable with a baby than I was. She also seemed to have a bond with our son right away. Granted she carried him for 9 months, was breastfeeding, and spent more time with him. It actually took me a few months after he was born to really start feeling that connected to him. If your baby is still in the womb (it hasn't been born yet), here are a few things you can try to increase the bonding with your baby.
First, feel the baby move - Put your hands on your wife's stomach and feel the baby kick or move. It gets real when you feel the baby kick or a turn. Experiencing the movement of your child in the womb can help with the bonding. Your wife feels this a lot so it's nice to be able to also feel the movement.
Another, talk, sing, or read to the baby - You can foster the bonding process by being verbal. Your baby gets to hear your voice but also you get to feel like you are communicating with it. Many experts recommend this, and some people love doing it. For me, talking into my wife's belly just didn't come naturally. I forced myself to do it a little bit, but it wasn't my thing. It is worth a try.
Next, Get a Sonogram - Get a printout or digital copy of the ultrasound - it makes it tangible. When I saw the actual form of our child it was crazy. It was fascinating. I couldn't believe that it was our baby. For many, this makes it real and can assist with the bonding.
The last thing prior to the baby being born...and I'm putting it in this section because it requires planning prior to the baby being born is taking Paternity Leave.
I understand not everyone has the ability to take off the time, but if you can, I would highly suggest it. Paternity leave gives you the ability to spend that early time with your child.
Once the baby is born, there are definitely some things you can do to try to increase bonding. Again, keep in mind it's ok if you don't feel a really strong bond right away. This is common.
1) Skin to skin contact - It's a pretty cool feeling for both of you. You could lie down or recline in a chair and put the baby on your chest. Another way would be to give your baby a massage. Allow their skin to touch your skin. Both the lying on your chest and a massage are great ways to improve bonding.
2) Feeding - If your wife is breastfeeding, she may pump some milk which would give you the opportunity to do feedings. If she is not breastfeeding and you are using formula, use that feeding time to bond with your newborn.
3) Changing diapers - The time you are changing a diaper can really be used as a bonding time with your child. Make diaper changing a positive experience where you get to interact instead of it being a chore you have to do.
4) Bathing - Most babies seem to really enjoy warm baths so you can bond with your baby by giving them a bath. Bath time was an awesome bonding time in our house. You can even get in the bath with your baby if you want.
5) Wear your baby - You can use a baby carrier to be close to your baby and still be able to do other things. Babywearing (especially for dads) has become more popular over the years. The closeness as well as being able to share activities can assist with bonding.
6) Eye contact - Look at your baby, smile, make faces. You can communicate with them just with facial expressions. Your newborn may eventually try to imitate your expressions ...
Our Co-Host Alan Bush is now a father! In this episode we give him a huge congratulations and discuss some surprises, struggles, favorites and more!
Money - how it's being spent, that there isn't enough. Feeling financially stressed can cause all sorts of issues
Sex/Intimacy - Frequency of it, type
Kids - behavior, how to discipline, how the other ones handle a situation.
Chores / Responsibilities - Are you pulling your weight? One spouse often feels like they are doing much more than the other.
Work - Staying late, the complaints that come with it. The obligations and stress it causes. We can sometimes be pulled in two different directions. Spouses can build up resentment blaming everything on the job.
Habits - Leaving the toilet seat up, to dirty clothes being on the floor, to toothpaste cap not being on. I'd say in my house we actually don't argue a lot about habits but the one could be music. My wife will play music really loud, especially in the morning. My kids and her love it and I can't stand it. I need quiet in the morning.
Relatives / Extended Family - From the mother in law to the crazy uncle, the extended family doesn't get unconditional love from the spouse. This can be a big source of friction. The rule iI was always taught is to stay out of your spouse's family's issues. Let each handle their own side.
Jealousy - Whether because they are spending time with someone else or they give their attention to someone else, jealousy can be a big source of arguments.
Free Time - what you do in your free time and how much free time you get. There often seems to be a discrepancy in how much free time each gets
Friends - One doesn't like who the other hangs out with. The bad influence, taking time away from theirs
The way we give love and receive love is called our love language. The concept of love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman with his 1992 book The Five Love Languages that has sold over 12 million copies. In 1997 he got together with Dr. Ross Campbell and authored the book The 5 Love Languages of Children. The ideas in this book are really powerful in that every child is different. If you don't speak your child's love language, they may not feel loved.
In this episode, we are going to go over the 5 love languages for children so you can identify your child's primary love language so you can build a stronger relationship with them. With a 5 star rating on amazon and over 1100 reviews, this book and it's concepts have proven why it is so popular. The 5 Love Languages of Children helps us discover how to best show our children that we love them. Of course it's good to show them love in multiple ways and most children are receptive to all of them, but usually, a child (just like adults) has a primary love language. Let's go over these 5 love languages for children:
1. Words of Affirmation - A child whose primary love language is words of affirmation feels loved when we use encouraging words and phrases to them. They enjoy compliments like "you did that so well" or "thank you for helping me with cleaning." Both written and verbal expressions are powerful so you can say "I love you" or write a note for them expressing how special they are. It's the words that make them feel loved.
2 Gifts - Children with this love language like tangible tokens of love. Often these gifts can become symbols of love.
Some examples of gifts may be getting them a book that you can read together or putting a favorite photo in a frame so they can put it in their room. It feels like all kids like gifts but for these children, the gifts are often seen as an extension of your love.
3. Acts of Service - Maybe your child really feels loved when you fix their favorite toy or you make their favorite meal for them. When children are younger, acts of service are often doing things for them that they may not be able to do themselves. As they get older, the acts of service are activities that cause them to feel loved and appreciated. You may sit down and do their homework with them. Figure out what acts of service you can do for them that they would really appreciate.
4 Quality Time - Quality time is doing something together and your child receiving focused attention. If you have multiple children, be sure to spend one-on-one time with your quality time child. This could be coloring or reading with them...or sitting down and playing a game. Spending time together makes them feel loved. It's not necessarily the activity but the time spent together.
5 Physical Touch - A child that is always snuggling up to you, or wants to constantly sit on your lap, this is a child who's primary love language is probably physical touch. They get fulfilled by your hugs and kisses, your backrubs or running your fingers through their hair. Physical touch is so important to them and it's how they feel close and loved. With any of these love languages, there can be some pitfalls. Think of the child that you have to always buy presents for in order for them to feel loved or the child requires a lot of your extra time to get their love cup filled.
As with anything, you want to mindful that balance is important. If you are constantly doing everything for your child because their love language is acts of service, this can negative. In that case, your act of service can be teaching them to be able to do things for themselves.
All of these love languages for children are about us as dads being able to create a strong bond with our child. When you understand your child's love language, your efforts are much more effective.
Have you ever heard the phrase hindsight is 20/20? It basically means it's easy to know the right thing to do AFTER it happens. This happens when being a father. We look back and wish we had that fatherly advice that would have helped us to do something differently or change our perspective on something. Oh, that's only me?
In this episode, I wanted to go over some of the best fatherly advice I wish I knew earlier in fatherhood. It probably would have saved me from a lot of frustration. If you knew then what you know now, would you do anything differently? I would have. Here is some fatherly advice that I wish I would have known then:
Patience Is a Virtue - This means to be able to wait for something without becoming frustrated is a valuable character trait. Patience in being a father is extremely valuable. By nature, I'm not that patient. But the fatherly advice here is that the more patient you can be as a father, the better. Being a father is a marathon, not a sprint. and your child will test your patience all the time.
When they are a baby it's going to be the crying, feeding, or the changing of diapers. When they are a toddler it's going to be the tantrums, defiance, and whining. When they get older it's going to be them not listening or moving much slower than you desire. Again, your child will test your patience so it's best you learn it, practice, and become Mr patience.
Your Child Should Respect You, Not Fear You - If you are ruling your kids by fear, either by yelling, being aggressive, or anything that creates fear in them, there are better ways to be a father. The combination of being kind and firm is the best IMO. Kindness shows respect for the child and firmness shows respect for ourselves and the needs of the situation. Being fatherly isn't creating fear in your child, it's creating mutual respect which will create a powerful bond and relationship.
Next...Mistakes Are the Best Teachers - You are going to have some awesome days as a father, but understand you will also have some bad days. You are going to make mistakes. From diaper changes to discipline, we just can't get it right every time. The fatherly advice is to give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Just try not to repeat mistakes. Learning from our mistakes is the key.
Your Child Isn't Out To Get You - This fatherly advice is hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but you will find yourself arguing with your young child thinking they are trying to make you angry, irritate you, or test you. They are not. Young children, are just trying to figure out what is going on in this big world. Don't take it personally. They are not trying to make your life miserable, they are just learning the ways of the world.
The Days Are Long But The Years Are Short - Remember I said at the beginning of this video that being a father is a marathon, not a sprint. When you are dealing with newborns, toddlers, and in quite frankly...the first few years, it is just not easy. The days are long. Many people said, "the time goes by so fast". I didn't believe them as I was going through it. Now my children are 9 and 11 and it has gone by fast. The years are short. The fatherly advice is to enjoy the present. You get to decide how those long days effect you. If you can put your role as a father into proper perspective and understand how important you being a father is, you will be just fine. We would love to hear from you.
There are many types of discipline strategies when it comes to dealing with children's behavior. But which ones work? Which ones don't. Well, you ultimately get to decide for yourself.
I'm going to give you my opinion based on my experience with my own two children. Alan will provide you his opinion on the matter. For the purpose of this episode, we are using the term discipline as it relates to modifying and teaching the behavior we want to see from our kids. As you listen to our discussion, think about the various types of discipline and how they would impact you as a child if someone was using it on you. Would it change your behavior? Would you learn a lesson?
This is really important to keep in mind because something we talk a lot about on this podcast is empathy. Putting yourself in someone else's place and seeing things from their perspective. It's really hard to put yourself in a child's shoes and to think about what they are thinking, but it's crucial. Try to be empathetic toward your child.
What type of child discipline is really going to impact them in a positive way and teach them the ways of the world? Let's take a look at some of the various types of discipline that you as a parent have as options:
Physical Punishment - Let me just get this one out of the way quickly. There is never a reason to hit a child. Spanking, smacking, any physical touch for punishment. This was a more popular type of punishment in previous generations.
I know "Jason, when I was a kid I got spanked and it worked on me. " No, it didn't. You can argue this one all you want. You got upset at your parents and figured out how to not get caught the next time so your butt wouldn't be red again. Physical punishment has been proven over and over to not only be ineffective but ultimately harmful to children.
Taking Away Privileges - This covers a pretty wide spectrum of discipline but it includes grounding, taking away their phone or electronics. Parents really seem to like to take away privileges because it's a type of discipline that FEELS like we are making an impact. The impact you are really making is the child focusing on what you did to them instead of really thinking about what they may have done wrong and learning from it. Sure we say "you better think about what you did" but they really don't. The child is really thinking, my dad is a jerk. He took my phone away. or the child is trying to figure out how not to get caught next time or how to be a better liar. We start this one when they are young...."go to your room"...it just sometimes feels good to say it because we don't have anything else to say. Loss of privileges isn't typically a good way to teach and modify behavior long term. Feel free to comment below on how taking away your child's phone really got their grades to improve. Or that keeping your child from playing his games totally made him nicer to his sister. I'd love to hear those results :)
Time Out - Still today time out is thought to be an effective type of discipline, especially for younger children. This is where the child sits alone in a specific spot and is supposed to think about what they did. Time out can sometimes teach a child to calm down but the child doesn't really learn new behavior from time out. So if you are using this method, just change it up to "hey lets take a break to calm down" and then once they are calm let them know that what they did isn't allowed and have a talk with them.
Rewards - This type of discipline sets you up for some difficulties. If you are providing rewards to your child, they are then inclined to only then do the behavior when rewarded. You are then stuck with always needing to reward the child in order to have them do something. This creates an environment where their motivation is external. They are always thinking "what am I going to get out of it". This is not the type of behavior we want to re-enforce. Eventually,
According to the National Sleep Foundation here is the average amount of time your children should be sleeping.
Infants (up to 3 months) - 14 to 17 hours per 24 hour day may only sleep 2-4 hours at a time because of feedings 4 months - 11 months - 12-15 hours per 24 hours Toddlers 1-2 years 11-14 hours per 24 hours 3-5 years - 10-13 hours per night 6-13 years - 10.5 - 11 hours each night 14-17 years - 8-10 hours 18-25: 7-9 hours
As parents are we creating an environment where our kids can get enough sleep? Are we enforcing a proper bedtime routine so they can get down on time?
Tips to get better sleep for children
1) Create a nighttime routine - Figure out what time they need to get up and work backward to make sure they are getting enough sleep. Do bath, pajamas, brush teeth, storytime, etc. As they get older, they should still have a routine.
2) Stick to the routine and keep a regular schedule - even weekends you should try to keep it consistent
3) Create a sleep-friendly environment - This means remove distractions from the bed and room. Mobile, lights, noise, etc. and when they get older, clocks, televisions, any electronics
Also, keeping the room cool can help. Not cold, but cooler is better than warm
Make sure they feel safe - monster spray or a night light can help
4) No electronics or television right before bed. It's said that we should NOT look at screens for about 2 hours before bed. It affects our melatonin levels which can affect our quality of sleep. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21552190
5) Nutrition & exercise - Try to make a snack at least 45 minutes to 1 hour before bed. Some good snacks are whole-grain toast, a slice of cheese, bananas, a warm glass of milk. Just don't be having lots of sugar before bed or anything that will provide energy.
On the exercise side, activity during the day is going to help them sleep. We all see this when our young kids have a really active day....they are out. When we go camping, the young ones on Saturday nights are usually passing out pretty early....unless they are hopped up on candy and sports drinks.
6) Focus on relaxations and winding down rather than sleep - Many people try so hard to seep that they can't. The key is to learn to relax. I like this because it teaches us that rest is important, even if we are not sleeping, learning how to calm your body is important.
Everyone has what works for them. Please give us some stories on what has and hasn't worked for you and share with 3 friends!
If you are the parent of a toddler, you are all too familiar with power struggles. Your two-year-old daughter doesn't want to leave the park and she throws her body onto the floor in protest. or your 3-year-old son refuses to put on the shirt you just picked out for him. The struggle is real. and in this case, it's a power struggle.
In this episode, we are going to go over why we experience power struggles with toddlers and I'll offer some tips on how you can avoid them.
Let's first understand some common reasons why we have power struggles with toddlers. Just keep in mind, power struggles will most likely continue even as your child gets older, there are just different ways of dealing with it based on the child's age.
Power struggles are common in our personal relationships too. Anytime we or the other person is trying to assert control or authority over someone else, you can be faced with a power struggle.
So for a toddler power struggle, this is usually the case. Your toddler doesn't like that she is being told what to do, so as a result, she may whine, get angry, throw a tantrum. She's experiencing emotions but doesn't understand how to communicate what she is experiencing or how she feels.
Think about this for a second. Your child is 2 years old. They have no clue how to handle their emotions. You want to leave the park and they don't want to leave. They don't know how to say that. They just know that the last time you wanted to leave, they cried really loud and you let them stay 10 more minutes.
Or the shirt you picked out for your 3-year-old isn't what they want to wear. The last time this happened he threw a fit so you let him wear the same blue shirt he wants to wear every day.
Him throwing a fit worked. He got to wear his favorite shirt. You were in a hurry to leave and didn't want to deal with it. But this time, no way on the blue shirt. You are getting family pictures done and he has to wear a white shirt.
The truth is that most adults don't even know how to handle their emotions. But for toddlers, this comes out as defiance and the power struggle with your toddler begins. Good times.
A toddler is also beginning to understand their limits. Pushing boundaries is part of your child's growth process. This is totally normal behavior. It sucks, but it's totally normal.
So how can we avoid the toddler power struggles? Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
1) Don't take it personally - Your 3-year-old is not out to ruin your life. They aren't really even trying to battle you in most cases. They just want something different than you are offering or don't want to be told what to do. Stay calm and don't take it personally.
2) Do not reward bad behavior - when your child engages in the power struggle, you getting upset and grabbing them, or yelling, is giving them attention. That is actually rewarding them for their behavior. It's negative attention, but it is still a reward.
Do not reward bad behavior. Let them know that you will be happy to talk with them when they are calm or you will wait until they are done. If that doesn't work, ignore the behavior. Do not reward them.
3) Pick your battles - Was it so horrible letting him wear his favorite blue shirt again? As parents, we are overtired, overworked. There are bigger things to worry about than his blue shirt. Avoid the power struggle and let it go. In fact, you should be letting him choose his clothes (maybe not for the family photoshoot) but that can be for another video.
Sometimes you will need to battle and it will be important to you. Just try to reduce the battles and struggles to the important ones. Pick your battles.
4) Give them choices - Give them 2 choices. This allows them to assert some independence and feel like they have a say. You will be ok with either choice you offer. Example: Do you want to walk to the car or have me to carry you. Either way,
I was talking with a friend the other day who is a new father. They just had their baby boy. He says Jason, I'm not really enjoying this. Fatherhood is not what I expected. I'm not bonding with him, my wife is breastfeeding so I can't help there, and he doesn't really react when I hold him or I am near him. I assured him....these are common issues. Many new fathers experience struggles right after the birth of their child. In this episode, we are going to talk about some of the common struggles so that you can start feeling good and begin enjoying fatherhood.
If I'm honest...When I had my first child, I didn't bond with him right away. I didn't feel that connection with him that was clear my wife did have. and I recall feeling a little lost about it. I was a little upset. As a new father, you are excited about fatherhood but then when reality hits and the baby is born....and this little thing isn't reacting to you yet, you can't feed it...there isn't much feedback that you get. It may not be very rewarding. Not to mention you are getting less sleep, you are spending a lot more money, and you are less intimate with your wife. You might think these were the things I wanted to sign up for or really knew what I was getting myself into. So understand that feelings of frustration that you may be having are totally normal. You may have expectations that just aren't being met, this is totally normal too.
First, you might have to change your expectations, but take a deep breath and know that what you are experiencing is very common. What I can tell you is that this doesn't last very long. Your baby begins to smile and eventually laughs...and this will touch your heart. Your baby will react to you and know that you are his or her dad. Fatherhood isn't easy. There are tons of challenges. But as you stick with it, providing affection, baths, helping your wife, etc. it will all come together. You might still have less sleep but you will be ok. You begin to understand how important your fatherhood role is. You begin to make a connection with your baby. you begin to appreciate that as a new father, you are going to be learning new things every day. We have some crazy stuff going on in this world right now. Kids need their fathers, and they need them badly. It's so important for us to step up and be there.
I was recently interviewed by 2 awesome women Evie and Sarah of the Modern Manners for Moms and Dads Podcast: https://www.evieandsarah.com/podcast51/
They gave us permission to rebroadcast the interview on our podcast. We talk about Sharenting...parents posting too much on Social Media. Here is that interview:
This week on our podcast, Modern Manners for Moms & Dads, we have a special guest: Jason Kreidman of Dad University. Dad University provides dads advice and fatherly education, supporting dads through their journey through fatherhood. Jason joins us to discuss his unique perspective on social media and your kids: “Sharenting!”
When the average child has over 1,500 images of them posted online by their fifth birthday, what does it mean to overshare?? In this episode, we talk about the etiquette behind raising kids in this generation of ubiquitous social media. Plus, we learn what Jason NEVER does on social media and his view on those of us who do. Here’s a two-word hint…Digital Narcissism.
What do you think about Digital Narcissism? Please start a convo below and share it with 3 friends!
I don't care whether you are happily married, a single dad, divorced dad, separated, or live far away from your child in a different country. You are a father. and if you want to learn how to be a good dad, there are some things you have to do.
If I had to narrow down the most important things needed to be a good dad, these would be it. In this episode, I'm giving you 3 specific things you need to start doing now. It doesn't matter whether you have a newborn or a grown adult child.
1) Presence - Not gifts, your physical and mental presence. You can't be a good dad if you are not there. Both physically and mentally.
Now, if you only see your child once in a while, then make it count when you do see them. I would suggest you do whatever you can to see them more often but I understand everyone has their own circumstances they need to deal with.
When we spend time with our kids, make it quality time. I talked with a man who told me a story about only seeing his dad a few weeks every summer when he was growing up. Yet those weeks were some of the best of his life.
His dad would take off from work and they would spend quality time together. They went camping, had amazing conversations, and his dad was present.
30 years later, he has an amazing relationship with his father and looks back at his early childhood years with his dad as very positive...yet he only saw him a few weeks a year.
If you are with your kids all the time, I understand not every minute can be high quality. But be mindful about putting your phone away, reducing your distractions, and spending that quality time with your child to be present. It goes by fast.
2) The second thing for how to be a good dad is providing your child Affection -
For many men, being affectionate towards your child may not come naturally. I don't care. You need to practice and make it natural. No excuses.
Give your child hugs, kisses, and as much affection as you can. When they are young, they will hold your hand. They may get to an age where they don't want to do that. Then put your arm around them, give them hugs. The physical touch and coming from their father is so powerful!
Touch provides connection, it provides safety. It's like communicating but you don't have to talk. As they grow older they may back off with their affection, but you try not to. Stick with it. Being affectionate with your child is so valuable both for them and for you.
The 3rd thing is Empathy - I can't tell you enough how important empathy is in learning how to be a good dad. From your newborn baby to your grown child, being empathetic is the key to a great relationship.
Empathy is looking at a situation from the other person's perspective and understanding it from their point of view.
Here's an example: Let's say your child comes to you crying and says: "I just fell off my bike and my knee hurts." The normal dad's response might be, "you're ok, I don't see any blood. Shake it off. you'll be fine."
Well no, the child is not fine. The child is upset and his knee hurts. So why you don't want to coddle the child, an empathetic response is: "It looks like you are really upset. Falling down and hitting your knee can hurt. Is there something I can do to help you? Do you want to get an icepack?"
This has nothing to do with teaching your child to be tough or to get back up when you fall. You can value those things if you want to and still be empathetic. It about your child feeling like you understand them. you are hearing them.
Do this hundreds of times with multiple aspects of their lives and you better believe your child will be close to you., will feel comfortable communicating with you and will want to be around you. This is how to be a good dad.
I created a series of 7 videos called the Fatherhood Formula. It goes into much more detail about how to be a good dad to your child.
We would love to hear from you.
It's back to school time soon. Some kids are so excited about the first day of kindergarten. They get to have a backpack, maybe a new outfit and smile on their faces when you talk about it.
But others, not so much. The idea of going to school for that many hours or leaving their parents is just simply scary. They may be anxious about it.
Whether your child is excited or anxious, this video will provide some first day of kindergarten tips to get you and your child ready to make a smooth transition into school.
There is something I want you to keep in mind throughout this entire episode Being empathetic. The first day of kindergarten for parents can seem a little trivial or like it's just not that big of a deal to go to kindergarten.
But keep in mind that's us looking at this situation through our own eyes and not our child's. I made this mistake. It wasn't until I realized how much of a transition this can be for them that I was able to be empathetic. It can be a really big deal for them to go to kindergarten.
So we got that out of the way, let's go over some tips for the first day of kindergarten:
1) Create a morning schedule – A schedule that is posted can really help everyone. We actually have another video in which we talk about creating a morning schedule. You list everything from waking up, eating, getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc. all with specific times.
You post that so everyone can see it. Then that brings us to #2 which is Practice - Tell your child we are going to practice for the first day of kindergarten. You wake up, follow the schedule and actually visit the school. Show them where they will be dropped off, and then where you will be picking them up.
3 - Talk About The Teacher – Usually you find out who the teacher is in advance. We talked about how positive the first day of kindergarten will be and how amazing the teacher is.
"You got Mrs. Stanley as your teacher. She is so nice. you are going to really like her." This allows your child to begin getting familiar with at least the teacher's name. So when they do meet the teacher, there is a little more comfort.
4) Get everything ready the night before - You can do this for the practice days too but you are going to want to minimize any difficulties in the morning of the first day of kindergarten.
Debating over clothes or arguing about what is for lunch are just things you want to avoid. Let your child pick out their clothes the night before, you make their lunch, etc. Involve them in the process the night before so they can feel a part of it and get excited.
5) Get plenty of sleep - a few days prior to the first day, I would suggest being pretty strict about their sleep schedule. Make sure they are getting plenty of sleep a few days prior.
It's a big transition to school and they will most likely be very tired in the evenings after the first week or so of starting kindergarten
We would love to hear from you. Is your child headed to kindergarten? Are they excited about it or a little scared? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.
You are a first-time dad and boy are you excited. You are right there with your wife. Your being as supportive as you can, you are going to Dr's appointments, your helping out extra around the house, and you are gaining weight just like she is.
The difference is that she has a baby growing inside of her. You don't. In this episode, we are covering a few first-time dad tips to avoid that dad bod and not gain sympathy weight.
There is a term called Couvade syndrome which refers to expecting fathers experiencing both psychological and physical changes throughout pregnancy.
It's a real thing. I'm not trying to scare you it doesn't mean you are going to get it. Not everyone experiences this. But there are men who can experience changes in hormones, or they experience some pains and even some depression. Sometimes it can also be referred to as pregnant dad.
For the purpose of this episode, we are going to focus on the weight gain and your health. Here is some first-time dad tips to avoid sympathy weight gain:
First, Get plenty of sleep - The body needs rest. People will say "well you better sleep now because you won't once the baby arrives. Sometimes that is true but sleep is simply important before or after a baby is born.
Just get plenty of sleep. Instead of watching TV at night, go to sleep. It will also help you eat less if you are a late-night eater.
Next, Avoid Sugar - Honestly sugar is evil. If messes with your brain, your energy level, and is addictive. I know foods with sugar taste good but you can find alternatives.
Reduce or remove your sugar intake and you will see positive effects on your body. You will start looking better and feeling better.
another first-time dad tip: Get moving - If your wife is willing and able to walk while she is pregnant, walking together can be great. You get outside and it can be a great time to talk. If you like playing sports, join a team and do that.
You don't have to run marathons or do intense cardio workouts (although that's fine), but just movement, in general, is a great way to burn calories and avoid dad bod.
next, Lift weights - Personally, this is my favorite. Lifting weights can help you reduce anxiety and stress, and boost hormones which can improve your mood. ...and you feel strong.
For me, my favorite time of the day is after a weight workout. It's a great feeling. I know not everyone loves to go to a gym, but there are plenty of home workouts you can do to increase your strength.
another tip .....Drink water If you are drinking soda, try water instead. If you feel you need to have carbonation, then drink of the non-sugar sodas that are now really popular. Also, try to reduce your alcohol intake as most alcoholic drinks have a lot of extra calories.
Setting these healthy habits now before the baby is born will help you stick with it after the baby is born. Staying healthy for your child is going to be important for them and for you.
We would love to hear from you. What is something you are doing to stay healthy during pregnancy?
1 Be Empathetic - Out of all of the tips for new dads during pregnancy, being empathetic is the most important. If you don't get anything else out of this video, remember this one.
Put yourself in her place. Look at the pregnancy from her point of you. Imagine being her. If you can learn to be empathetic during the pregnancy, you are well on your way to the husband hall of fame
2 - Don't Comment on Her Appearance - She may call herself names or comment on how she looks. Say nothing. If you have a problem with keeping your mouth shut and just don't have that ability, then say something nice.
I'm repeating this, don't ever, ever say anything negative about how she looks. I'm warning you now, you will regret it.
3 - Listen to Her - Us men have a tendency not to be very good listeners. But an important tip for new dads during pregnancy is to listen to her. She may be scared, have doubts, or are concerned about one thing or another. Be there for her and listen. Remember the 1st tip of being empathetic.
4 - Help Her - She may be capable of handling things on her own, but that doesn't mean you can't help. It's a great way to be supportive. Some women are perfectly fine asking for help but then some find it difficult.
If you are not sure how you can help her, then ask her. Make sure she knows and is clear that her asking for your help is welcomed.
That could mean going to the doctor's visits so you understand what is going on, washing her car as a surprise, or doing extra cleaning around the house. It doesn't matter, figure out what would make her feel good. This is a very important tip for new dads.
5 - No Complaining - You simply don't have the right, and nobody wants to hear it. She's the one carrying the child, dealing with morning sickness and feeling the effects of the physical and mental changes that pregnancy can bring.
The main tip for new dads here is just to keep quiet, don't complain. You may think something, just don't say it. You are in a no-win situation.
You are going to want to follow these tips for new dads during pregnancy to reduce stress on her and to let her know you are there for her. This is crucial during pregnancy as it sets the tone for when the child arrives.
Being a first-time parent is awesome. I was both excited and nervous. I wasn't around kids very much before I had my first child. But you learn quick. Here are some first time parent tips that helped us:
1) Agree on Responsibilities - actually, write it down. Make a daily chart of what you are responsible for. I do the laundry on Tuesday, you get dinner. On Thursday I do the bath, you feed him and put him to bed.
My wife and I sat down and had this discussion and understanding what is expected of each other can reduce a lot of arguments.
2) Communicate What You Want - This was one of the best pieces of first-time parent advice that was given to me. Nobody knows what you want or need unless you tell them.
If you are wanting a break, tell your spouse. If you are wanting to connect, talk about it. It's ok to communicate what you want.
Be prepared that your spouse may not feel the same way you do at the moment. As an example, you may want more intimacy....but your spouse isn't concerned about that. You might have to be a little more patient. As first time parents, romance may slow down a bit. Find other ways to connect and help each other.
3) Give Your Spouse Positive Re-enforcement - Whatever you do, do not be critical of how your spouse is doing something. "You changed the baby wrong". Well, you can't seem to load the dishwasher correctly.
Complaining doesn't change behavior. Positive re-enforcement does. Thank you so much for changing the baby's diaper. I saw you did the dishwasher. That was helpful.
As a first-time parent, there are going to be a lot of opportunities to be trying new things. Encourage each other instead of tearing each other down.
4) Take Time For Yourself - While you certainly will have less time than you did before, carve out time to do things that you enjoy. Discuss this with your spouse.
When my wife and I were first-time parents, we made sure that each of us still got to exercise. It was really important to both of us. We couldn't do it at the same time, so I went to the gym early in the morning and then went I got back, my wife did her workout.
It's important that you don't lose yourself. Your life does change, but you want to still be able to have some time for yourself. Also, the one on one time with the baby is really good for bonding.
5) It's OK Not to be Perfect Parents - Making mistakes is part of parenting. There are so many opportunities to make mistakes and you will. Know that it is ok to make mistakes, just try not to repeat them very much.
Being a first-time parent is a learning experience. You and your spouse are embarking on a long journey. Understand there are going to be a lot of ups and downs. Realize that these ups and downs are normal and you will make it through.
We had our son first and then our daughter about 2 years after. And it was different. I couldn't exactly explain it, but the connection a dad has with his daughter is just different than he has with his son.
What I'm about to share with you is what I feel is important. This is how to be a dad to a daughter
First, Focus on her internal value - When you praise or complement your daughter, try to make it about what is inside. Compliment her on how nice she treats other people, how helpful she is, her abilities or how your daughter shows strength.
If you are going comment on something external, then do it on something she has a choice of. I like those shoes. That shirt is very colorful.
Try to avoid complimenting her on things she doesn't have a choice of her smile, her eyes or her how she looks. This is important in learning how to be a dad to a daughter.
Now listen, I can see the comments now: why is it so wrong to compliment her on how she looks? Ask yourself a simple question: what do you want her to value? Her outward appearance or who she is as a person?
If you make it about who she is as a person, she will be fine with her outward appearance. It doesn't work in reverse.
Next, Be Mindful of Your Limiting Beliefs - understanding how to be a dad to a daughter is understanding how often we are guilty of putting limitations on them without realizing it:
Sure, there are differences in genetics and hormones at an early age which we can often see. Boys may have stronger visual-spatial abilities so they may push cars around or climb more often.
Whereas girls are better at verbal tasks or understanding emotions. But what we do as parents is we then emphasize those differences by re-enforcing the behavior.
We wrestle with our sons and give our daughters dolls. You want to know how to be a dad to a daughter, don't limit what she can do.
Next, Teach her that She is in Control - She is in charge of herself. She is in control of her body, she is in control of her emotions.
Let's start with the control of her body - she gets to choose who she gives affection to. She gets to choose what she does with her body. She is in control. Nobody else gets to control it.
For her emotions - she gets to control what things mean and how things affect her. I have a video called "Everyone else is responsible for my happiness) which goes over this concept in detail. Teach her that she is in control. Other people do not get to control her.
The most important thing about How to be a dad to a daughter is to Be the example - how you treat her and her mother effects who she becomes and her views on men. You want to provide her a positive male role model.
When I think back on my childhood, some of the great memories are the family vacations we took. We went to the mountains, to the beach, on cruises. My parents loved to travel so they would allow us to tag along every once in a while. Do you remember going on family vacations when you were younger?
Maybe we took more pictures during vacations so that is why I remember them. I understand not everyone has the financial means to do something extravagant, but getting away with the family can be an awesome adventure.
I have seen a few notes in which experts say that parents spending money on vacations is better than toys. Spending money on experiences makes us happier than things.
Here are some benefits:
1) Making Memories - No question that these trips can create memories. While there certainly can be the chance of negative memories if something goes wrong, we prefer to focus on the positive memories that come from it.
2) Improve bonding - when you experience things together, that in itself can bring you closer together.
3) Expands the kids' comfort zone - Vacations exposed us to different things - new people, new places, cultures, food. Getting kids out of their comfort zone is a good thing. It's a break in routine. It can even improve their social skills as they interact with people they normally don't.
4) Benefit brain development - all of the sensations we experience through touch, sight, smell, etc. Then you also have the brain expanding when you go and seek adventure.
5) Reduces stress - Most vacations are designed to help you relax and unwind. they are supposed to reduce your stress. If this isn't happening then you are probably choosing the wrong vacations. Some people reduce their stress by participating in activities while others prefer to read a good book in a quiet place. You do what works for you and your family.
6) Promotes happiness - not only is it proven that having something to look forward to can improve our happiness, but while you are on vacation you release happiness hormones during your experiences. There is also a thing called "happiness anchor" which children can use
The truth is for most people with young kids, they go where they want to go and the kids come along. I think this is fine. When kids are young, they will probably not remember the vacation. So you are going to want to guarantee a place where you will have fun.
We have spoken that gratitude helps with depression. It's hard to be depressed and sad if you are really grateful. Teaching our kids gratitude is valuable for that reason but it also is good manner
Raising Grateful Children Project at THE UNIVERSITY of NORTH CAROLINA at CHAPEL HILL http://hussong.web.unc.edu/drrl/rgc/
What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful How we THINK about why we have been given those things How we FEEL about the things we have been given What we DO to express appreciation in turn
Here are some tips:
1) You need to be grateful - You need to verbally express it, show it, and really mean it.
2) Teach them the value of Thank You - This means saying it, writing a thank you note, or even doing something for someone else as a thank you.
3) Give back - encourage generosity...donating time or effort to those less fortunate or even just helping someone who needs it. They can help others at school...it can simply be being a friend to someone that may not have friends.
4) They participate in purchases - if they want something, they need to buy it or earn something to get it.
5) Start a gratitude journal - have them right it down daily
6) Travel - see places different than your own. If you have the means to travel, showing them other places provides context for how much they have.
7) Have them help - they are part of the family and they need to help around the house.
1) Allow them to be bored - stop entertaining them. This forces them to be creative.
2) Limit use of electronics - while some games are creative, watching television doesn't help their creativity
3) Don't solve their problems - ask them questions instead? How can you solve this? Force them to come up with solutions
4) Create an area of the house for play - if you can....whether garage or playroom...allow them a space in which they can call their own and take part in how it looks and what is there.
5) Spend time outdoors - encourage them to play outside. We had a huge forest growing up. We made forts, were forced to be creative.
6) Encourage dress up or costumes - Having super heroes and characters
7) Allow them to dress themselves and/or pick out their clothes - children will wear the same thing every day if they are allowed.
8) Encourage creative/art gifts - When relatives and friends ask what to get them - encourage creative gifts - paper, drawing, paints, crayons, Lego's, blocks, etc.
Nearly all kids experience some form of separation anxiety from 1-3 years old. This is when they get really upset when they see mom or dad leave. Not just upset but really upset.
Alan, do you remember having any anxieties as a child? You said you were shy? Do you know why that is?
But for some kids, it doesn't stop there. They begin to have additional anxieties. This can be from specific objects, bring around people, animals, sounds.
We don't want to be the one eliminating all of the anxieties as we want our child to be able to manage themselves. But we can certainly coach and teach them to assist themselves. Here are a few tips:
1) Teach them breathing and/or meditation techniques to calm themselves - Even at a very young age, learning breathing techniques is valuable. The technique of smelling the air with your nose, then blowing out the candle with your mouth was one we used.
2) You remain calm - You getting worked up is not going to help the situation as they feed off of you. It is so important for you to remain calm.
3) Let them know it's ok to fail - This definitely applies as the child get's older. We want to be very clear with our child that it doesn't matter that they win or get to the top. An example of this is a climbing tower. The child may not want to do it because they think they have to get to the top. Instead you can say, try it, and you go how far you want to.
4) Encourage them but don't push too hard - In the tower example, I've seen parents push their kids when it's clear they don't want to do it. Come on, come on, and they don't stop.
5) Face fears - There is a fine line here but we sometimes need them to face their fear. You have to use good judgement.
6) Don't make it a big deal - Ok, that was fun. Maybe we can try next time. Talk about it - it's ok to be scare or anxious
7) Be empathetic - Don't say "Don;t worry" or "Relax" Instead be empathetic "I understand you are scared. It can be really scary to climb the wall. I think you are totally capable of it. How about you try? Just see how far you want to go?"
8) Explain the feelings they have as a positive - fight or flight - those feelings protect us. Help them understand it's totally normal to be scared.
9) Use positive re-inforcement - when they do something, make a huge deal about it. How did that feel? You just did it! You did that all on your own.
I want to talk about college. When I was growing up, going to college was a given. It really wasn't an option. Both of my parents went to college and it was just what you did.
While I didn't realize it at the time, college was something my parents were set on investing in. And sending 3 kids to school was an insane investment and risk. Were they going to get a return on investment? Fortunately they had the means to be able to send us to school.
You apply to colleges during high school and you pick a school. My oldest sister went to an ivy league school and my other older sister went to college in Arizona.
I applied to a few school and visited my sister in Arizona. She was part of a sorority so needless to say for a 17/18 year old boy, seeing the sorority girls help solidify my choice on where to go.
But of course they had a great business program which was the most important.
I can't speak for countries outside the US, but in a large part of the US, especially in more affluent areas, going to college is expected. The problem with this is that not everyone belongs in college.
I can't speak for my sisters but I think college was a great experience for all 3 of us. I ended up going to graduate school to study business...specifically entrepreneurship so for me it was really valuable. I competed in business plan competitions and learned a lot that I was able to apply. I ended up going into business for myself.
However, I enjoyed the structure.
I think that for the kids that struggle in school, whether they simply weren't prepared or are just not made for it, parents need to back off. Find out what the child is good at and let them focus on that.
Now this doesn't mean the parents are going to allow them to live at home and bum around. If they are not going to school, they need to do something....find a job and experience taking care of themselves.
I think the hard part for parents is they feel its a reflection of them and they have to be ok with their social circle. For many this would be really hard to do.
I think this is where there is a huge breakdown. Parents are forcing their kids to go to school when they really shouldn't be in it.
People often think being kind is altruistic...it's not. It makes us feel good.
Health Benefits
Makes you feel good - Releases serotonin in the brain which improves our mood. Being nice to someone makes us happy. Reduce depression and can calm you down.
Spending money on someone else can make you more happy than spending it on yourself
Reduces Stress - Get's you to focus on other things rather than worrying about yourself.
Prevent illness - Oxycontin release happens when we help others. Oxycontin reduces inflammation...lowers blood pressure.
Live Longer - having people around you is associated with living longer. Friendships and meaningful relationships are important for that. It slows aging.
Effects on Other People
1) It's contagious - when you are kind or help someone, they are inclined to help or be kind to someone else. Pay it forward. Butterfly effect.
2) Makes them feel good...impactful for someone.
3) Improves relationships - We are wired for kindness. It can make a bond stronger among 2 people.
Dalai Lama says "if you can’t be kind, avoid harming others."
Remove distractions - sounds, screens, etc. This can also mean providing them a designated area.
Move the body - Run them around - get energy out - moving stimulates the brain. Running club in the mornings. My children's school has rocking chairs for some kids
Make a list of tasks - Write everything down.
Keep tasks small - Tackle one thing at a time. If you are teaching them to clean their room, start with just cleaning their bed, or focus on a toy bin. Too many tasks can be overwhelming
Make it a routine - Kids welcome routine. Have them brush their teeth after pajamas every day. don't switch the routine.
Take breaks - Every child is different but watch your child to see when they get squirmy. For adults, I learned that 25 minutes is optimal for flow and focus. It's called the Pomodoro Technique
Healthy diet - sugar, caffeine may work in short bursts but it will cause crashing. Then when you don't have it, you are out of luck. Try to provide them a healthy balanced diet. They should be eating all meals.
Understand how they best learn - are they visual, auditory, or kin aesthetic
Breathing techniques or meditation - allows them to practice focusing on their breath or sitting still. Guided meditation can be great and fun for kids. It builds that muscle for when they need it.
In todays podcast we go over the hardest things about parenting.
Keeping calm - You may have a stressful day or be in a bad mood and it's difficult to shut that and be happy and present for your kids. Seems kids often get the brunt of the stress and anxiety we feel (at least for me)
Balancing work/life - Spending time with kids yet working and/or doing other things that bring you value
Knowing how to handle new situations - You are constantly faced with new things, especially as they get older and face new challenges
Consistency / Repetition - Feeling like you say the same thing 1000 times before they get it...and then they slip up
Defiance - Kids knowingly doing something you have told them not to do. It's hard to not take it personally.
Letting go - Them wanting to be with their friends instead of hanging out with you.
1) Apologizing to them when you do something/say something wrong
Let's say you get in an argument with your child. You yell at them and tell them to go to their room. It's really important to apologize for your own behavior and let them know that you could have handled it better. Next time you shouldn't yell and should be more calm when discussing something with them.
2) Making up with your wife (argue and then make up) -You may hide arguments from your kids but they also may not see you make up. It's ok to see them argue as long as you argue fairly. But if you do argue, they need to see you make up...apologizing, etc.
3) Eating healthy - You tell your kids not to eat junk or want them to eat healthy and then you have ice cream or sugar when they go to bed.
4) Exercising - You don't have to run a triathlon or be a competitive bodybuilder, but showing them good habits is important. Go for family walks, get outside. Show them how being active is important.
5) Treating people with respect - We tell our kids to treat everyone equally and with respect yet we will make negative comments about other people or even just people as they walk by.
6) Putting your electronics down - We are telling our kids they watch too much TV or play too much video games yet we have our phones with us at all times. We usually try to justify it by having it be "work related"
I was listening to a Tony Robbins lecture. He says the #1 way to change your life is to raise your standards.
Raise our standards and it will change your life long term. Only thing that creates lasting change.
There are bunch of things in life that we want. But we don't get what we want, we get what we have to have.
We get what we tolerate. Difference in people is their standards.
Should lose weight, should spend time with my kids.....mad at their shoulds
When your should becomes a must. When something that should happen becomes a must, that is when change occurs.
Think about things in your life that you have made a significant change:
your job - it's not a must if you aren't in the right job your income - it's not a must if you aren't making the certain level your health - it's not a must your physical appearance - it's not a must, your standard doesn't match your work ethic
We set a standard based on our environment....who is around you. The people you hang out with. What are the standards of people around you? Your friends and /or co-workers. This can have an effect on how
Imagine how your life should shift if you change from should to a must. If you must earn.
I'm often asked "what's your best advice for new parents". The truth is that there are so many new things happening as a brand new parent, it's hard to digest it all.
Sure as a dad, the important parenting advice that you find valuable might be a little different than a mom's. But overall I think these 5 tips will be helpful advice for all new parents. Let's do it.
Before we get started I wanted to honestly thank all of you. Your support as a subscriber, comments and feedback, and then the sharing of our videos has really helped us grow....and for that I wanted to say thank you.
So back to the video. You're might be getting new parent advice from your family or your friends. Sometimes you get advice even when you aren't asking for it.
Being a new parent can often feel overwhelming. Hopefully you will be able to use this advice, and feel better.
1) Your involvement is critical - This may seem obvious for some new parents, but involvement by dads can vary based on your culture, where you live, or how you were brought up.
Whatever the excuse, do not leave taking care of the child up to the mom. My advice is to do feedings, bath time, go on walks. Spend one on one time with your child.
Not only does your involvement give your spouse a break, it provides great bonding for you and your child. The more you are involved, the greater the benefit to your child.
2) Don't take things personally - When I was a new parent, I thought for sure my first child was really trying to annoy me and test me. But I can I assure you, your baby is not deliberately doing anything other than learning the ways of the world.
When they cry, they are trying to communicate. When they defy you, they are trying to understand boundaries. There is not a secret plot to make new parents
3) Enjoy the present - I wish i received this advice when i was a new parent. It wasn't until my second child (2 years later) that I realized I really needed to enjoy the what was happening now.
Prior to that I would say things like "I can't wait until he can talk or it will be so much fun when he and i can throw the ball."
Not that thinking of the future was wrong, but I think it brought me away from appreciating the present. So my advice for new parents would be to enjoy the present.
4) Learn Patience - Your patience will be tested, I promise you. My advice for new parents is that the more patient you can be, the easier time you will have.
I happen to be one of those impatient types. I'm always on time, or early. I need everything right now and most of the time I'm in a hurry.
I can tell you this is a recipe for stress and anxiety when you are a new parent. I did a video on how to be more patient. I have used a few different techniques which are explained in the video. My favorite is daily meditation. It helps a lot.
5) You are totally capable - At some point as a new parent, you will doubt your capabilities. You may think you are not cut out for this parenting thing or that you can handle it.
I'm here to tell you that you can handle it. Sure being a new parent isn't easy, but it can be the most amazing thing in the world.
I would love to hear from you. What is the best advice for new parents that you have received?
We all want our kids to be have confidence. It's an attractive quality that adults find valuable. It's not something we are necessarily born with. So how can we build confidence in our child?
It's easier than you think. But you might not realize that some of the things you are doing are inhibiting your child from becoming confident. In this episode we look at 6 ways that you can help your child build confidence.
Confidence is like a muscle. Maybe some people are born with a little bit more of it than others, but if you train it properly you can build it big.
Let's go over some ways that you as a parent can help your child build their confidence.
1) Stop Doing Everything for Them - getting them dressed, carrying their backpack to school, tying their shoes, making their lunch. You want to build a child's confidence? Let them do things for themselves.
While your intention in doing things for them may be good, you are hindering their growth. Stop doing things for them.
You may not even realize how much you are doing. Let's say you are at a park and your child hands you their trash for you to go throw it away. You can say, no you are capable of throwing it away, the trash is right over there.
Sure it's nice to do things for each other, but be mindful to allow your child to do things for themselves so you can help build confidence
2) Let them fail - We just did episode 77 which is a complete video about why failing is good for your kids. They need to learn how to get up after getting knocked down and understand that it is totally ok to fail.
We are not abandoning them when they fail. We are their for support, to help them learn, and encouragement. How you handle them failing is important for them to build confidence and try again.
3) Give them unconditional love - feeling loved and accepted is a foundation for confidence. Whether they fail or succeed they are loved.
14: Making mistakes is ok and they will be loved no matter what. Unconditional love is going to help a child build confidence.
4) Praise & Encouragement is Internally focused -
Slide: Instead of saying "I'm so proud of you" say "You should be really proud of yourself.
Instead of saying "Great job" say "You did it"
Instead of sating "I liked that you cleaned your room" say "You cleaned your room. That probably feels good"
We want them to feel good internally rather than looking for outside sources for praise. What happens when you aren't there? These positive feelings need to come from within them to build their confidence.
5) Give them age appropriate tasks - Feeling needed is valuable. Whether you want to call them tasks, chores, or responsibilities is up to you. I prefer calling them responsibilities.
Children gain confidence by contributing and knowing that what they are doing is helping the family. They may complain about the cleaning, doing dishes, or taking out the trash but it is actually helping them build confidence.
6) Let them make decisions - Even when kids are really young, giving them two options (and you are ok with either) is a good way to begin building confidence in your child.
When you give them choices, they feel more in control which helps build their confidence. This can be as simple as, do you want to go upstairs fast like a cheetah or slow like turtle? or do you want turkey or ham for lunch?
These small choices get bigger as they get old. They become more confident with making decisions.
Confidence is something we all want for our children. These are all things you can do to help your child be more confident as they grow. We would love to hear from you. Alan, if they have any feedback or questions, what should they do?
Have you ever hear any of these or said any of these to anyone?
You big wussy
suck it up
cry baby
You wonder why men have difficulty with emotions.
Maybe you cried and were made fun of because of it. or maybe you were scared and had to suppress those feelings in order to feel accepted.
In this episode, we are going to understand a little more about why men don't show emotion and then talk about why showing emotion is actually really good for you.
I saw a study that was done and it said there are 27 different emotions that we experience. For the purpose of this video, let's stick with the 6 major ones:
happiness sadness fear disgust anger surprise
I think for men, 2 of these really stand out as us having difficulty with them: sadness and fear.
For the most part, I don't think men have too much of a problem showing the other types of feelings. So let's focus on sadness and fear. Why Don't Men Show these Emotions?
1) They don't know how to show emotion - How can you show emotion if you if you were never taught. If you grew up with a dad who never cried or showed emotion, it makes sense. Let's just make sure your son doesn't get to use the same excuse.
2) Fear of Weakness - Did you ever hear any of these as a kid:
"boys don't cry" "swallow those tears" "crying is for sissies"
or how about:
"what are you scared of?" "scaredy cat"
All of these phrases have negative connotations with men and emotions. Boys are taught from a very young age that having these emotions is a bad thing.
3) Fear of being judged - This sort of goes along with the weakness but men fear being judged for being an emotional man.
You think you will be judged negatively. It's a fear that people will think less of you. Maybe people will look down at you.
You may not want to show emotions in front of your wife because you think she will think negatively of you. She may then think you are needy or have low self-esteem. We keep the emotions inside for the fear of being seen this way.
4) Protecting Someone else - Whether it's our spouse, our kids, or anyone else, we will often refrain from showing emotion in order to protect someone else. We don't want them to be effected by our emotions.
When my mother passed away, I didn't want my kids to see me cry. I felt like if I was upset in front of them, it would cause them to get upset too.
Going through grief counseling allowed me to understand that it was ok to show the emotion and be authentic.
In fact, it allowed my children to see how I felt about my mom. I was sad, that was the reality.
Now that we understand why men don't often show emotion, let's look at Why It's Important for Men to Show Emotions
1) It allows you to be authentic - Humans have emotions, it's the reality....and being authentic is important both for you and your child.
In the example I provided about my mother and allowing my kids to see me cry, they were able to see the real me. I actually felt a lot better when I did it because i didn't have to hide it anymore.
2) Improves mental health - Allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions is good for your mental well being. Have you ever expressed some negative feelings and then afterward just felt better? It can provide you that mental release.
3) Improves physical health - In addition to the mental release, you can also benefit physically. Bottling up emotions can actually cause physical pain. You may feel this in your chest, have back issues, neck problems, etc.
Expressing emotions can make you actually feel better physically as well. Maybe like a weight has been lifted off of you.
4) Can improve connection with others - Having emotions is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability can allow people to better understand you. As a result, they will feel more connected to you.
Men showing emotion is important. It's important for you and your family.
You know why kids throw temper tantrums? Because they work. We hear the crying, whining, and acting up and we just want it to stop.
So we buy them the toy, give them the lollipop, or let them do what they wanted to do before they threw the tantrum.
Listen, we have all made these mistakes, but no more. We are going to learn how to STOP (ok maybe just reduce) temper tantrums. Let's do it!
Temper tantrums are really common with toddlers... we are talking kids from about age 1-3 years old. Certainly older kids can have them but if your older kids are having a temper tantrum, it probably means you haven't dealt with it properly.
Let's first look at a few reasons why temper tantrums happen:
1) The child is hungry, tired, bored or overstimulated - These are all very common. Hey, we as adults feel these too. The hope is just you aren't crying, kicking, and screaming when you you are hungry
2) They don't understand emotions yet - Think about it, a 2 year old may get angry, just as a 45 year old does, but the 2 year old has no idea what that emotion is or how to deal with it. (insert emotional video card)
3) They don't know how to communicate how they feel - Just like not understanding their emotions, they certainly don't know how to communicate what they are feeling. A temper tantrum is often just them trying to communicate in the only way they know.
4) They don't know how to self-regulate - They don't know how to calm themselves down. Heck it wasn't until my mid 30s until a learned about meditation or breathing techniques to calm myself down. It's really up to us to begin teaching them how to manage this stuff.
So how do we deal with a temper tantrum?
1) Keep calm - You have to remember that when a child is throwing a temper tantrum, you can't as well. Getting anger or yelling is NOT going to solve it. You need to remain calm. Whether it's pretend or you are really able to, you must be calm in your approach. Do not take it personally either.
2) Use empathy - If they are old enough to understand you, acknowledge your child's feelings and understand where they are coming from, "I know you want that cookie and it makes you really upset when you don't get it." Empathy can often diffuse situations. Of course if it work doesn't there are more things to try.
3) Do NOT give in - If your child is crying, kicking and screaming because they want a cookie, do NOT give them the cookie.
Let me give you another example so you don't miss this one. If your child wants to play on the swings longer, but you have already providing warnings that it was time to go, and they start crying and throwing a temper tantrum, do not stay longer.
When you give in, you are re-enforcing their behavior. You are letting them know that the temper tantrum works and they will get what they want.
4) Use the Distraction Technique - This work a lot better with young kids than older kids. You also have to catch them typically before a full blown temper tantrum erupts. If you get to that, getting their attention might be difficult. But if you can...say they want the cookie, grab a toy instead and begin playing with them.
If you are at store and they want a toy, give them something else to hold instead. Don't give them food but give them a toy, keys, or something else to play with.
5) Wait it out - The storm will pass. If you remain calm and the child realizes they are not getting their way, the temper tantrum usually only lasts so long. If you are using these techniques, it will pass quicker.
6) - Let them take a break - Don't call it time out, call it taking a break or cooling off. Maybe it's in their room or you have a special location or furniture in the house. It's important for them to begin learning how to self-regulate. It's not a punishment, it's having them take a break so they can get back into control.
7) Positive re-enforcement - catch them behaving good.
Being a new father is awesome, but along with the awesome, comes some stress and worrying.
Granted, I was a little more uptight than most dads, but if If I look back on my own experience when i was a new father, there are definitely some things that I wish I wasn't as concerned with.
So in this episode, I'm going to share with you 6 things that new fathers should't worry about.
You have enough things to worry about as a new father. Here are some things you should check off your list and not be concerned with:
1) Bonding with the baby - I had some pretty high expectations of how I would bond with the baby when I was a new father. I was pretty worried because of my expectations.
As it turns out, I didn't start to feel close for a few months after our child was born. If the mother is spending a lot more time with the child than you and is breastfeeding, then new fathers may not bond with the baby for a little while. It's ok.
2) Perfect Photos - You will find yourself as a new father making funny faces, noises, and doing anything you can to get that perfect shot.
When my son was about 2, we had a huge family photo shoot. Grandparents, everyone. My son just didn't want to cooperate. We used a cup full of snacks to try and bribe him.
Every time we took the snacks away, he cried and made a fuss. I was so stressed out and upset that he wouldn't cooperate. Finally my mother turns to me and says, don't worry about, just let him hold the snacks. We can try to edit it out but if we can't who cares.
I look back at those pictures now and realize how me getting upset was a waste of energy.
3) Saying No - Whether it's people wanting to come visit you, people asking you to come visit them, or events that you are invited to. Don't worry about saying no as a new father.
You can't please everyone. You want to make sure you are taking care of yourself, along with you and your family.
4) Messing Up - You are going to mess up...a lot. So just accept it and stop worrying about it.
As a new father messing up is just part of the gig. We all do it. Just try to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them (too much).
5) Development Stages - Your wife may tell you that her friends baby rolled over at this age or sat up at that age. Don't worry about it. All children develop at different times.
Of course if you see significant delays or problems, you may want to have the pediatrician check out the child just to be safe, but in most cases, the child is just developing at a different speed. It's ok.
6) That You Are Good Enough - Here's the deal. If you never were told this by your parents, friends, or spouse, I'm telling you now...you are good enough. You can do this and know you will be an awesome father.
As a parent you don't like to see your child fail. Whether that's falling down when they first start to walk, doing horrible on a test in school, or even getting fired from a job. We don't want them to go through pain and suffering that can come with failing. We want our children to be happy and successful. Unfortunately they way we often approach failure can keep them from being happy and successful.
In this episode, we are looking at how letting your child fail is a good thing. We'll go some of the myths around failure and some of the benefits that failing can bring. We will also touch on some ways you can support your child when they do fail. Failure is a really powerful thing. Sometimes the intention of the parent can be good, but the reality of protecting your child from failure is not. Here are some common myths around children failing:
Myth: If I don't let my child fail, it means I love them
Good examples of this is helicopter parenting or lawn mower parenting where parents do everything in their power to make sure their child is protected from everything. I'm not going to say you don't love your child, but if you want what is truly best for them, you allow them to fail. You can be there to support them or coach them but keeping them from failing isn't the answer.
Another Myth: If my child fails, it looks bad on me
Parents will protect their child from failing because they think it makes themselves look bad. There is a huge college admissions scandal happening right now. Parents illegally paid a lot of money to get their children into prestigious schools. A lot of this revolves around these parents being very concerned with the specific school that their child goes to because they feel it's a reflection of them. As hard as it can be, we have to let our children live their own life and make their own choices.
And Another Myth: If my child fails, they will never be successful
Successful people fail, and they typically fail a lot. The difference is that they have learned how to bounce back from failure. They have built that muscle where failure doesn't knock them down for very long or at all.
So how is failure considered a good thing? Let's look at some of the benefits of our children failing:
1) They are more likely to take risks - If it's ok to fail, then it's ok to try. We want our children to try new things and take some risks in life.
This could be trying a new sport or instrument, pursuing a person they are interested in, or maybe going after a job they desire. Taking risks can positively impact our lives.
2) They build resilience - You can't always control what happens to you in your life, but you can control how it effects you. Resiliency helps you recover faster and get through difficult things.
Each time your child fails and then recovers from it, they are building up their resiliency. Negative things will eventually begin to effect them less.
3) They avoid making the mistake in the future - It's important to learn from our mistakes. If a child is protected from failure, they won't learn anything. We ultimately want them to be able to take care of themselves and be self-sufficient.
4) They build self esteem - Bouncing back from failure is extremely powerful. Like building resiliency, a child will build their self-esteem every time they recover. Their confidence will increase.
So great, you are allowing your child to fail. But can what do you do to support them? Allowing them to fail doesn't mean you abandon them. You can still be there to coach them and encourage them. Here are some suggestions on how you can support them:
1) Make it a teachable moment - You might ask them, "what do you think you could have done differently to have a different outcome?" There may be an opportunity to learn something from the experience.
2) Be empathetic - Instead of saying "hey it's ok, don't worry about." Say "I can see you are upset by this.
Joe and his wife Jeni recently co-founded the company SpiresMan, which offers courses to “Teach good men the art of good sex.” Joe is a retired electrical engineer with 25 years of experience, he has an executive MBA From UCSD and holds five US patents. Joe and Jeni have spent the last seven years exploring sexuality, spirituality, and consciousness. He has taught classes and coached men around sexuality for the last three years and is a Certified Orgasmic Meditation Trainer and Coach.
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How did you get into this area of work? It seems to be a long way from Engineering? What had you want to start SpiresMan?
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Is it anything like Engineering for you? They seem completely different? Are there some similarities?
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You say that most men didn’t learn enough about sex to be successful in the bedroom.
a) Where do most men learn about sex?
b) Can you elaborate on a few things you think most men never learned?
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Some men my think its not them that’s the problem. They would have sex every night. They may even like it as a way to come down. But their wife, on the other hand, not to say anything bad their wife’s, but she’s just not into it. Don’t you think a class for her is a good idea?
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What do you see as the biggest challenge as to why men don’t get the support they need around sex?
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What’s one of the most important things a man needs to know about good sex?
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A lot of men with kids are frustrated because they have so much to do, like work, and fix things around the house, and play with the kids, and handle things for their wife. Especially if they are a good guy and are doing their best. Do you have any advice for how they can add in another thing to their life, like take a course to learn about good sex, not to mention even just scheduling sex itself, into their full schedules?
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After couples have kids, often the sex life just dies. The wife might tell her husband she feels fat or gross or unattractive. But no matter how much a man might tell her he think she’s hot, she just doesn’t see it herself. What should he do?
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Sometimes women seem tired and stressed because of all of the kids and running around they do. A man might have the sense that she doesn’t want to be bothered. How do you think a man should handle this?
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You teach mean in groups. I could see for some guys this could be intimidating or uncomfortable. What do you see as the benefit of men being in groups with other men? Do you teach privately as well?
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What kind of other programs are out there that are like SpiresMan?
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What kind of courses do you offer?
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What else does SpiresMan offer besides courses?
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Why don’t you offer courses couples? Can someone really improve their sex life all by themselves?
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What’s the best way to learn more about SpiresMan? or if someone wants to get a hold of you, what is the best way to do that?
You room is always a mess
You never listen to me
You are so picky with your food.
You take so long to get ready
If you are human, you might recognize some of these. They are common complaints that parents have. We get frustrated with our children's behavior, so we complain thinking they are going to change.
How's that working for you?
As a recovering complainer, I'm going to help you stop complaining so you can actually get your kids or whoever you want to listen to you. This works in relationships too.
Let's go over some fundamentals about complaining:
1 - Everyone does it - That certainly doesn't make it right. The average person complains about 30 times a day. I don't think most people realize that they are complaining, but they do.
2 - Complaining effects our brain - so complaining actually rewires our brains for negativity. It changes stuff in your brain. I'm not a doctor but that can't be good.
3 - Complaining effects our health - It releases cortisol and consistent release of cortisol has a bunch of bad effects on your health. Can make your stress and anxiety worse and increase blood pressure.
Even with the bad effects, the biggest issue we are talking about here is that
4) Complaining doesn't change behavior - complaining is not an effective strategy for change. This has been proven.
If you want your kids to listen to you or you want to change their behavior, complaining is not the answer. One really effective way is to ask questions. Let's look the examples from the beginning of the video:
Complaint - You room is always a mess Instead say - What do you need to do before you go out and play? or: Did you want to clean your room before or after you do your homework?
Asking them questions is always a good strategy as you let them come up with the solution and they get to make the choice. Here's another:
Complaint - You never listen to me Instead ask: Would you prefer to take a shower or bath? or What do we do with our dirty clothes when we take them off?
They learn better by having to think of the answer and answering the question. Try this one:
Complaint - You are so picky with your food. Instead ask - Do you want your pasta with red sauce or no sauce? or Do you want carrots or celery with your dinner?
Labeling them as picky is not going to help them be bolder with their food choices. Work with them not against them. and finally:
Complaint - I'm tired of you taking so long to get ready Instead ask: What could I do to help you get ready faster? or if you have a chart for them in the morning: What time do you need to be done eating breakfast?
In all of these scenarios we are asking questions to help them understand and solve the problem. So here is a summary:
1) Complaining doesn't work - we got that one
2) Ask questions instead of complaining
3) a bonus tip: Use positive re-enforcement - When they do listen or do what you have asked, make a huge deal about it: Thank you so much for cleaning your room. I really appreciate it.
If you stop complaining and use these techniques your children will be more likely to listen to you and you will have lower blood pressure.
When you find out your going to become a father, one of the 5 thousand questions that will probably go through your head is "am I going to change?"
I know I was concerned with how my life was going to be effected. Little did I know that the positive changes would greatly outweighed any negatives that I was worried about.
So in this episode, I'm sharing with you how becoming a father changed me
When you are going to be become a father, you know things are about to change. You don't know exactly what, but you know your life is going to be different.
For me, there are some very specific things that changed. Overall I think becoming a father has forced me to be a better man. Here are some ways that i have been impacted:
1 - I'm Less Selfish - You can't only think about yourself when you become a father. You hope you are less selfish when you are in a relationship or you get married. But having a child brings it to a whole other level.
Decisions are made considering your family. This can be everything from where you are going to dinner all the way down to a career choice.
In the past, I could do what i want whenever I want. Now you have to consider others when making decisions and that's ok.
2 - I value time more - I remember when I was young and single, having complete weekends with no plans and no obligations was a regular thing. This doesn't happen very much anymore as a father.
Your schedule is tight because if you don't have something planned, you want to spend the time with your family. Also when your child is really young, having an hour of quiet and nothing to do seems like the most amazing thing in the world.
But time just becomes more valuable and you don't want to waste it.
3 - I think about my Legacy - Before I had kids, I didn't give much thought to how I was impacting those around me, let alone the community or the even the world.
I began to look at the world around my kids in a different way. How could I impact people and leave a mark here after I am gone?
Becoming a father had me look more at my ability to impact others. This was my drive to start Dad University and help educate dads around the world.
4 - I've Become more Responsible - Good or bad, when you are a father you always have someone watching you. That little one is watching the way you treat other people, how hard your work, or the food and drink you consume.
The choices you make in your life, now have a direct impact on them because they are watching and learning from you.
For me, making choices like eating less sugar, drinking less alcohol, and exercising regularly, are examples that I'm trying to set for my kids. They see it.
5 - Better work-life balance - Becoming a father has allowed me to have a better work-life balance.
Sure, I work hard and i love what I do. But it doesn't take priority over my family. Whether it's having family dinners, or going on weekend camping trips with my kids, i have been able to find a better work-life balance since becoming a father.
Remember: Nobody on their death bed ever said "I should have spent more time at the office".
Alan, if anything has any comments or feedback, what should they do?
When you are a dad to be everyone tells you that you will never get sleep again, you won't have a social life, and you better make some more money because kids are expensive.
Well, those are all true. But what about the secret dad to be advice? The tips and tricks that only experienced fathers know. It's the stuff that has never been revealed...at least I couldn't find it on the internet when I looked.
We are pulling back the curtain and giving you dad to be tips that nobody tells you
If you are a dad to be, you are probably worried about how to change a diaper or how to hold the baby. Trust me on this, you only need to do those things a few times and you too can consider yourself an expert.
I'm more concerned about your well being so these will absolutely help you on your fathering journey:
1 - Learn empathy - If you aren't familiar with empathy, start now. It is the single most important thing in parenting.
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's place and seeing things from their perspective. Being empathetic towards your baby will keep you calmer and make you a better parent.
You will better understand why they are upset and relate to them better. It will help you get along better with the baby's mother as well. Learn to be empathetic.
2 - Emotions are OK - Nobody tells you that you will probably get really emotional. You are going to discover emotions you didn't know you had.
You will cry because you are so happy. You will be sad because of something that has nothing to do with you. I don't know the exact science behind it, but our hormones are definitely effected by the process of becoming a father.
3 - Stop Complaining - Complaining Doesn't work - I'm not sure who you are complaining to but nobody wants to hear it and it's not an effective strategy. Also, she has it much harder than you do.
Instead of complaining, find a solution. Figure out what the problem is and do something about it. Take action.
4: You Don't Have to Know Everything - sure we created Dad University to help you along your fatherhood journey with as many topics as possible, but we all fail...a lot.
You are not going to know how to handle a situation, or know exactly what your baby needs. The important thing is to learn what works for you and your child. You will be ok.
5: Enjoy the Present - you may find yourself saying "I can't wait until he can talk, or it is going to be amazing when she walks".
Enjoy the present moment and stop worrying about what they are going to do. If you do, you are going to miss it. The time goes by really fast.
6: Your Involvement is Critical - This is a 50/50 deal. You spending one on one time with your baby is so important for them (and you).
Don't leave taking care of the child up to mom. It doesn't matter if you work full time or aren't in a relationship with the mom. Your involvement with the baby is crucial and you are 50% parent to that child.
Being a dad has so many facets to it. You are going to feel high and lows. You are going to try things and fail. But just know that you can do this and you are going to be awesome. If people have feedback, what should they do?
If you have listened to some of our other episodes, you have probably guessed that I operate at a fairly high energy level....I get excited about things....I'm what they would call a "Type A" personality.
What often comes along with that personally is very low patience. I hate to wait, I want things done immediately, and I am impatient.
Having children sort of messes with that. They seem like they have their own agenda and their own timeline. They do things slowly.
Alan, have you had some difficulty with patience?
So I had to learn to be more patient. In this episode, I'm going I'm going to share with you what worked for me so you can learn how to be more patient with your child.
They say that patience is a virtue. It's a skill that can help you battle anger and get along with others. But most importantly, being patient can help you better deal with your kids.
Here are some of the ways I am able to be more patient with my kids:
1 - Pause before Reacting - When your are about to react and you can feel your impatience, take a pause.
This pause may be taking a few deep breaths
It could be counting to 10 Or even leaving the room or taking a short walk if it's an option.
The important thing is that you recognize yourself getting impatient and can slow yourself down.
2 - Don't take it personally - Your 3 year old is not trying to ruin your day. They are actually not concerned with you at all. They are just 3 years old.
No? really? I've already asked you 4 times. Obviously you don't want to listen to me)
As dads, we take so much of our children's actions personally and that can effect our patience. Our fuse gets shorter.
We feel like they are out to get us or that they really want to make our life miserable. They don't....at least not while they are young.
3 - Change expectations - Realize that your 4 year old being distracted by some flowers is perfectly normal for a 4 year old.
(ahh that's right she is only 4, duh)
When you have a better understanding that your child is probably just like most other children that age, your patience starts to improve.
4 - Repeat a mantra - When you feel your patience being tested, you can use a mantra or phrase to repeat.
(I will not let them break my serenity)
The mantra reminds you that it's important to watch your patience and be mindful that you need to slow down. The mantra brings you back to that.
5 - Meditation - I'm not talking about meditating during the situation, I'm talking about practicing meditation in general when you can. Meditation has been extremely valuable for me.
(show sitting and meditating)
It's not something that happens overnight. It's a muscle that you build over time. But meditation has taught me to slow down and gives me more power to slow down in those moments when I need to.
6 - Think of yourself as a coach - When your mindset is as a coach rather than a parent, you approach the situation differently.
(wearing hat..... Alright, let's go kids. You can do this.)
You go into teaching mode which immediately gives you more patience. You are providing instruction and are more understanding that the little person you are dealing with may just not know what to do.
7 - Have Empathy - When you put yourself in someone else's place and see things from their eyes, you get a different perspective.
(I can see you are upset because you can't find your shoes. Do you want me to help you look for them?)
Empathy will create more patience. You will have a better understanding of what the other person is going through and possibly how your impatience is effecting them.
Learning how to be more patient with your child is possible. You got to work at it. Remember these tips and you will improve your patience.
Also know as Paternal Postnatal Depression
It's a type of depression caused by the process of pregnancy and the birth of the child 25% (1 in 4)
Factors that increase risk: - Stress - Financial, relationship - Lack of sleep - history of depression (can be triggered) - family history - Excessive alcohol consumption - Smoking - Poor diet
How do you know if you or someone you know is suffering from it?
The Center for Disease Control lists the following signs of depression:
Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, depressed mood and/or Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable Change in weight or appetite (either increase or decrease) Change in activity: being more or less active than usual Insomnia (difficulty sleeping) or sleeping too much Feeling tired or not having any energy Feelings of guilt or worthlessness Difficulties concentrating and paying attention Thoughts of death or suicide
Also, our guest in episode Dr Singley Irritable, agitated, or angry
So what do you do? I think it's more difficult for men because there is often a stigma attached to it.
Take care of yourself - Body and mind: Get sleep - which can be hard Nutrition - be sure to be eating well Fill Your Mind with Positive Messages - Listen to the podcast, go to Dad University YouTube, listen to motivational speeches Practice Gratitude - can't be depressed if you are grateful Get support - Lean on family and friends Get professional help
This episode is really for the men who find themselves in a situation in which they are part of an unwanted pregnancy or unexpected pregnancy and they are going to be a father.
Not so much a happily married many who thought about starting a family and it came a little sooner than expected or you already have a child and you find out a second one is on the way.
This is more about a situation in which you just found out a girlfriend or just someone you were intimate with is now pregnant.
So what do you do?
The first thing is you have to talk to her about the situation. Disclaimer here, I'm talk about all of the situations or options, not making a judgement or putting my personal belief into the situation.
Obviously a lot of factors involved in that, your own beliefs, her beliefs. For some people these may not be all options
1) Both together: you agree the pregnancy is terminated (abortion). Done.
2) She does not want to have the baby and you do.
3) She wants to keep the baby and you don't.
4) You both want to have the baby.
Here's the thing, in scenario's 2 or 3, you really don't have much say. She doesn't need your consent to terminate a pregnancy and if she wants to keep it, she typically can do that too.
If you both want to have the baby, then great, that's an easy one too.
We are not playing could have, should have, or would have. You are in this situation so you need to figure out what to do.
We are now dealing with situations 3 & 4 in which you are going to be a father. So what do you do now:
2) You mentally begin preparing. You are probably going to be scared and that is totally normal. I think it's a good thing that you are scared. It means you care. you want to do the right thing and you want to make sure the baby is taken care.
You have many months to get used to it. We have other podcasts and videos about dealing with pregnancy so we won't go into detail about hormones, etc.
3 - Step up. You are 50% parent to that child and crucial to their well being. Don't let anyone (especially her) have you think that you shouldn't be involved or don't need to be involved. The child will be so much better off with a good and involved father.
Even if you and the mom don't work out, you need to be 50% of the parent to that child.
a) Improve your situation - Stepping up might be looking at your current situation and making advancements...do you need to finish school? do you need to get a better job? Nothing will help speed up the process like a child on the way. But remember, your involvement is crucial. you are 50% parent, so act like it.
b) Be empathetic toward her - realizing she is going through some serious stuff herself. Not only mentally, but she will be physically changing too. It'a a lot harder than your situation.
c) Setup your network - Try to get support from friends and family. Do this in advance so you have options and everyone has time to prepare. Be sure not to expect anything but certainly take advantage of people willing to help.
4) Do it for the child - Whether this is getting along with the mom, partying, spending money on things you don't need, etc. Whatever you may be doing. You have a baby on the way so get ready to be a father to that child.
You probably fall into one of these two categories:
1) You are a soon to be dad or a new dad and you are concerned that your sex life is going to be different (and not as good) after the baby is born.
2) and then the other group already has a child or multiple children and you are wanting to have sex more often with your wife than they you currently are.
Either way, the good news is that we have some tips for you to get a little more attention at home
We talk a lot on this podcast about really important topics like empathy, gratitude, & parenting techniques. You know what I keep getting asked, "How can I get my wife to _____" and that usually revolves around having more sex or something involving sex.
Here's the disclaimer: Neither of us our sex therapists. But realizing how important this topic is for you, I figured I would provide some insight as to what I have learned. Some of this is through trial and error as well as having great communication with my wife. In other words, I listened.
1 - Stop complaining - Nobody wants to hear you complain that your not having enough sex, especially your wife. When someone complains to you about anything, does it motivate you to change? Complaining is not an effective strategy. So let's get that out of the way first. Stop complaining to anyone.
2 - Realize we are different - Men are X-rated, woman are PG - If you ask a man to define sensuality, it probably involves some kind of nudity or sex act. If you ask women the same question, it more likely involves, conversation, physical touch like holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes.
Remember this one too: (words on screen or some kind of graphic representation) A man needs sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally
While a woman needs emotional fulfillment in order to respond to a man sexually yes, We are very different.
3 - Understand her love language - Author Gary Chapman wrote a famous book called The 5 Love Languages. In it, he talks about the different ways we express and receive love. If your wife's love language is "acts of service" then you don't spend much time getting her gifts. Its' not going to do much for her.
If her love language is physical touch, then provide her affection instead of trying to woo her with words of affirmation. Try to understand what her love language is.
4 Focus on her not you - Ask yourself the question "what can I do to make her day a little easier? and do that. If you don't know the answer then ask her that question directly. "What can I do to help you?"
In addition to helping her, focusing on her is not just outside the bedroom, it's important in the bedroom as well.
5 - Drop your expectations - Men think that anything that is romantic or even remotely sensual can be put into the sex category. It's on!
We just kissed, that means she wants to have sex. She was flirting with me so she definitely is open to having sex She said some pretty nice things to me earlier, so she must be thinking about sex.
No, no, and no.
What happens is that she will begin to pull away because you think everything is related to sex. You need to get that out of your head. Some things, or most things, or even almost everything, isn't necessarily related to sex for her.
6) Show appreciation - After having kids, woman can often feel like they are not "good enough", "sexy enough" or whatever enough is in their head. If we are putting demands on them or being critical, this is only going to make it worse.
Provide her genuine compliments and positive re-enforcement showing appreciation when you can. Compliment her on something non-sexual. "I really appreciate that you made dinner." or "I heard you dealing with the kids earlier. you are so good at handling that stuff."
The bottom line is that if you want to have success in the bedroom, you have to understand how to work outside the bedroom. Listen to her,
I have never made any mistakes in parenting......said no parent....ever. Parenting and mistakes go hand in hand. I'm going to provide you a little tough love in this podcast. You may not like some of the things what you are going to hear...but you need to hear them.
7 common Parenting mistakes we are all guilty of.
We all make parenting mistakes. So if you don't want to contribute to messing up your kid, stop making these mistakes:
1 - Telling them you are proud: Save your comments on this one. I won't agree with you. Stop saying "I'm so proud of you" (Text on screen with big X through it). Instead say to them "You should be proud of yourself." (put those words on screen)
It is 1000X more important that your child thinks positively of themselves versus you thinking positively of them. You do not want them relying on you or others for praise or acceptance. They should feel good about whatever they did and be reminded of that. "You should be proud of yourself. You did that!"
2 - You do too much for them: Your child is much more capable than you are giving them credit for. When they are young, they can dressed on their own, clean up after them self, eat with their own hands.
If they are old enough to walk, they can walk to a trash can. If they are old enough to have a backpack, THEY need to carry it. We often do things for them as a way of showing them our love and we think we are helping. But you are actually doing them a disservice. Allowing them to do things them self is crucial for their own development.
3: Do as I say, not as I do: In other words, you are telling your child not to yell at you, but you yell at them. Or you get upset at them using their electronic devices too much but you can't put your's down.
Monkey see, monkey do. Have you ever heard that? We are all guilty of not practicing what we preach. Don't eat that candy, it's horrible for you (as we sneak and eat the candy after the kids go to bed). Your children are watching your every move and listening to everything you say (even if you don't think they ever listen to you).
4: You are their friend instead of a parent: Our job as parents is to teach them and be their coach on the journey of life. We are not here to be their friend. I see parents that are afraid to say no. They don't put boundaries or rules in place. My kid might get upset.
Listen, you can have an amazing relationship with your child and still be the parent. Kids needs structure and guidance. You don't have to be a jail warden but striving to be their friend is not our role.
5: You allow them to have poor nutrition: Refer back to #3 on this one. If you are allowing your kids to eat bad, it probably means you eat bad as well. It is so important to teach our children how to make good food and drink choices.
Stop allowing them to have so much sugar. While this can be a hard one for most people, in our family we try to go by the rule: "eat good food before bad" (put on screen). This means if you are going to have something "bad" for you, you need to eat something good first. Pretty simple.
6: You solve their problems: It doesn't matter if it's two siblings arguing, or a child has an issue they are facing at school. Stop solving all of their problems. I know... you are trying to help them. but the way you can help them is by allowing them to figure out solutions.
For example, two siblings arguing over a game. Instead of solving argument,, you may ask the question, "It looks like you aren't agreeing here. What do you think you could do to solve this problem"
Or your 8 year old forgot to do their homework. Don't call the school and talk with the teacher to see if they can make it up. You ask your 8 year old what they can do? If they want to talk to the teacher that will be up to them. It's not your problem to solve.
Sure, their could be some more serious situations in which you may step in.
As men, we are expected to be strong, to control our emotions, and handle whatever comes our way. Well the part society didn't seem to consider is that we are actually human.
Humans get sad, angry, frustrated, and yes...depressed. While life is overall wonderful, we all experience ups and downs.
In this podcast, I'm going to share with you some of the techniques & tips I have used to get through the tough times
Every person experiences tough times so know that you are not alone. You may have financial hardship, difficulties with your career, relationship troubles, health issues, or something else effecting you in a big way.
Just know there are things you can do to improve your situation. Now...change requires action. I'm going to repeat that: CHANGE REQUIRES ACTION. If you don't take action, you are not even giving yourself the opportunity for change.
1: Acknowledge It - You can't bury your head in the sand and expect something is going to go away.
Acknowledging there is an issue is so important. Feel the anger, the pain, the loss, whatever it is you have inside. Let it out: cry, yell or even just talk about it. Be sure not to judge your feelings. Give yourself permission to have feelings and acknowledge the issue you are facing.
2: Seek Support - We men often have difficulty admitting we need help. While we might be able to often solve problems on our own, there are situations where it's just too much.
But we are concerned we might be judged or think it's some kind of weakness to ask for help. If you have tried to solve the problem on your own and can't, it is absolutely ok to ask for help. Lean on your family and friends for support.
If you feel you can't lean on family or friends, try a support group. Whether locally in person or an online support group, there may be resources and people dealing with the same things you are.
3 - Get Professional Help - There are experts in any kind of issue we face.
My mother passed away years ago and it was so painful. I had never experienced such a loss. My heart literally hurt. Per the recommendation of my father, I ended up going to grief counseling.
I learned so much from talking about my feelings with a professional. You may not think someone else can help you, but they can. I felt like it really helped me get through the hardest time in my life.
4: Be Good To Your Body - (show person sleeping, broccoli, lifting weights) If you are experiencing issues in your head (point to head), try taking care of your body).
You need to make sure you are getting plenty of sleep, exercising, and eating healthy foods however don't go the other direction and do it too much. We can either neglect these things when we are going through something difficult or submerse ourselves in them and do it too much
I can also say that for me, reducing my alcohol consumption had a big impact on me. In addition to simply feeling physically better overall, I noticed a big reduction in my mood swings. My lows are less frequent and when they do happen, they are much shorter in duration.
5: Practice Gratitude - When you are down it can be really hard to think of something positive.
But remember, change requires action. It can be as simple as you were able to put your feet on the floor this morning. You are able to breathe, or you have clean water. Yes it can be that basic.
Make a gratitude journal and write down 3 things you are grateful for and why right when you get up in the morning and right before you go to sleep at night. You begin to train your brain to focus on the positive things in your life rather than the negative.
Here's the deal and I'm going to sum it up for you. We all experience troubles in our life. We need to acknowledge it, feel it, get support, and take action. When you do these things, you get through the down times much quicker.
Also, if it's something you can change, you need to change it. If it's something you can't change,
So in celebrating our 200th episode, I thought it would be fun to review some of our most important topics. We have covered a lot but there are definitely topics that have stood out for me.
Before we do that, I wanted to touch on how the podcast and videos have effected me personally. There is no question they have effected me as a parent, a husband, and just me as a person overall.
Here's the thing, neither of us claimed to be experts at these topics. But we do have an interest in learning more and enhancing our lives.
I feel like the podcasts (and the videos) essentially force me to learn new things. I set the goal that we do one of these per week and every week there is something I am learning. Even if its a topic I am familiar with, it still allows me to learn.
Here are some topics that I think impacted me the most:
Soon to be dads and new dads are really scared - There is a lot of need out there for men just realizing they are not alone. Getting support from us and other resources.
Dad's care a lot - The typical stereotype is that dads are goofy and can't do anything. This podcast and our videos are proud to be working to change the narrative. There are dads that care and serious about parenting.
It's ok to need help or ask for help - Guys have a tough time admitting they need help but I think it's important for us to continue to let men know that it's ok.
Empathy is the most important parenting skill. Putting yourself in other person's shoes
Gratitude wins - It can cure depression
Judging / being critical - as you become happier with yourself, you realize the lack of desire to criticize other people.
Affection - how important it is to provide your child affection as a father
No praise/no punishment - Discipline is different than I thought
Life is short - Nobody on their death bed ever said they should have spent more time at the office. I'm changing some thing in my own life to be able to dedicated more time to Dudes to Dads and Dad University.
You are never going to get any sleep You aren't going to have time for anything You really think you can afford to have a child Your relationship is totally going to change I knew it, you are not the same that you used to be
Whoa...chill....Those aren't surprises, those are called expectations. That's for a whole other episode. In this episode we are going over the 6 Biggest surprises about fatherhood.
No doubt, fatherhood is full of surprises. While I sort of knew what I was getting into, I really wasn't prepared for everything. It's impossible to be. So I'm sharing with you the 6 Biggest surprises about Fatherhood.
1 - The relationship takes work - When our first child was born, I was a little worried because I didn't feel a strong bond right away. It wasn't until I did bath time, changings, and feedings, that i then began to feel close.
I think this continues as they grow. There may be times when I feel a little distant from my kids. Maybe I have been working too much or they have chose to spend most of their free time with their friends.
So when I notice this, I may provide them a little more affection to them or try to connect with them playing a game or spending some quality time together.
It takes work. But it's work that I enjoy doing....but you can't neglect the relationship and think it's going to be strong. You need to make effort. It's like that with any relationship.
2 - That I could Love Something So Much - I knew I would like this thing that came into my world, but I didn't realize just how much I would love it. How much i would want to protect it. How much i want to help it grow.
Having a child has taught me that my capacity to love is pretty big. When were going to have our second child, I was concerned I wouldn't have enough love in me to go around.
Boy was I wrong. It's amazing how much love we have inside us. Children can bring out emotions like nothing else can. I used to not consider myself very emotional. But i can say that has shifted a bit after having kids. (but not too much)
3 - Time Goes By Really Fast - Yeah, yea, yea, everyone with older kids says it goes by so fast. I didn't believe them until i have now experienced it myself. While there are some moments that seem like they are lasting forever, it's insane how fast the time goes.
My kids are now 8 and 10. I often often look at baby pictures and it honestly feels like it just happened. What this means is that we need to enjoy the present moment with ours kids.
4 - It's not all about me anymore - One of my biggest surprises of fatherhood was the shift in my decision making. You quickly realize that another human is dependent on you. As a result, your decision making shifts.
From the littlest decisions like how to spend your Saturday to the big decisions like your career or financial planning. Like your spouse, your child becomes and influencer or factor in your decision making.
5 - How we act really effects our child - I don't think I realized how much of a mirror your child really is. I was driving the other day with my kids and my 8 year old daughter says, "oh no, traffic!!" I can't imagine where she got that from.
They are listening to everything you say and watching everything you do. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So often we want to take credit for the good stuff but aren't willing to accept that the bad stuff is our fault too. It's important to be aware of how we act really does affect them.
6 - Good parenting is not from instincts - I used to think that because I had good parents, my gut & instincts would steer me well when parenting my kids.
It wasn't until i began to studying parenting, that i realized how little I actually knew. Concepts like empathy, unconditional love, and positive re-inforcement weren't in my vocabulary.
I started to seek answers for my frustrations and knew that other dads had to be facing the same issues that I was.
No doubt that when you become a father, life gets a little more complicated. You were already trying to balance your work, relationship, and friends. Now you have a child. You may even have a couple of them.
So how do you balance it all? How do you make it all work. In this episode we are going over some tips to help you achieve work life balance.
As a man, you could have many roles: - Your a father - Your a husband or boyfriend - You a son to your parents - You could be a brother - You are an employee or business owner - You are a friend - and the list goes on and on
You have all of these roles and you want to be great at all of them. But here's the reality check: You can't be great at all of them all the time. You can't, it's impossible.
You might be a really good father one day, but you didn't pay attention to your wife. or you killed it at work that week, but you ended up not spending much time with your family. You have been taking care of your aging parent, but your work has suffered.
But I want to be great at all of these things, all the time. This is a problem called WANTITALL I know this .....because I suffer from it
WANTITALL is a huge epidemic. If you suffer from this, let us know.
What about you Alan, do you suffer from WANTITALL?
I do have a couple of tips I want to share with you to help you achieve work life balance.
1: Be very clear about what you want. You have to have an honest conversation with yourself. Where do you want to achieve "success"? Do you want a really strong family? or Is your career your #1 priority? It's all ok and there is no judgement, you just have to be clear about it.
Once you are clear then we have the second tip: #2 Match your actions with what you want. For example, if your family really is your priority, are your actions matching that? or do you tell yourself and everyone else that family is so important, yet you spend time doing a lot of things that don't involve building the family relationship.
3 - Reduce wasted time: For anyone who says they don't have time...are you watching television? do you spend time on social media? You might be surprised how much time you can gain by dropping those activities. But I have to watch my shows or play my games? Well then you might have to go back to tip #1 again and start over.
Instead of saying "I don't have time". Why don't you change it to "It's just not a priority for me".
4 - Improve your scheduling - If you feel like you need to step up your game in an area of your life, put it on the calendar. That could be a date with your wife, or some one on one time with your child. We put appointments in our work calendar, we can do the same with our personal calendar, It all depends on what your priorities are.
5 - Change your perspective - Instead of calling it work life balance, let's call it work life harmony. Balance feels like you have to give something up in order to get something else. I think the word harmony is better because it means that everything has to work together.
You can work hard and still make time for your family. You can be a good son and take care of your parents, while also making some plans with your friends. As I said in the beginning, you just can't be perfect at all of them all the time.
Cut yourself some slack and be careful of how much expectations you are putting on yourself. Your WANTITALL problem is your issue and only you can fix it.
We would love to hear from you. Do you struggle with WANTITALL?
We all have good intentions when the baby is born. But realize you are going to make mistakes. We all make them. Of course there are tactical mistakes like not having enough diapers, not buckling car seats correctly, or not bringing enough change of clothes for the baby when you go somewhere.
But the mistakes I want to review involve more of your thought process , emotions, and your overall well being.
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Taking the baby's crying personally - Your newborn is not trying to ruin your life. Although sometimes it might feel like it. They are either hungry, tired, have gas, or need a diaper change. There aren't a lot of reasons. It's not your poor parenting skills that are the cause. All babies do it.
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Not paying enough attention to your wife - Get a babysitter or family member to watch the baby and take your wife out on a date. Know her love language and either get her flowers or do some act of service she appreciates (cleaning, washing her car, something without her asking for it).
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Putting too much pressure on yourself - You want to be the perfect parent, a great husband, and great in business. But it's pretty impossible to excel at everything at the same time. The cool part is you get to start your day over every day. One day you can be a great parent, the other a great husband, and then the next day a great business person or employee. Don't expect you will be able to do everything well all at the same time.
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Underestimating your time - Everything will take a lot longer than you think. You will make plans and will be late. It takes longer to get out of the house, pack bags, or anything else that involved the child.
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Not taking care of themselves - This means getting some sleep, eating well, and exercising. If you don't care about any of those, then at least make some time for yourself to have fun. Hang out with friends Comparing your baby to others
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Comparing your baby to others - When they rolled over, when they first talked, when they first ate solid foods, etc. Don't do it. Every child is different and it has no bearing on their future.
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Not enjoying the moment - I recall saying "I can't wait until my son can talk to me". or once he walks it's going to be so fun. Enjoy the present moment as it goes by really fast. It doesn't seem like it is going fast in the beginning but you will look back and think it.
Having a new baby is awesome, but reality is that it can be stressful if you allow it to be. A lot of that stress comes from making sure the baby is ok as you just want to protect it and make sure you are doing everything you can to give it the best opportunity.
Just remember not to be too hard on yourself. Millions of people have raised children before you. You are going to make mistakes, but learn from your mistakes and just make sure you are providing love an affection to your baby. Love and affection will cancel out a lot of other potential problems.
I was born in the mid 70s and grew up in the early 80s. Times were different and parenting was definitely different. There was a huge difference in what people thought was safe and what kids were aloud to do. I thought it would be fun to go over some of the things we did as kids and see how times are quite different now.
Helmets - I'm not sure how many concussions it took for people to realize that it's probably a good idea to wear a helmet. Bicycles helmets weren't required until about 1987 and even then we really didn't wear them. I grew up skate boarding and unless you were going on a large ramp or doing something crazy, we didn't wear helmets. Same goes for snow skiing.
Riding in the back of a truck - We were just camping this past weekend and about 10 of us piled into the back of a truck just to take us down a dirt road for bit. I was remembering how we used to be able to ride in the back of a truck without issue. At least in most parts of the US, parents wouldn't think of that now.
Seat belts - My seat belt was my dads arm. Now the restraints and belts, cart seats with specific requirements. The laws are very strict now.
All states have a law by 1985. But even in 1987 only 80% of children used a car seat.
Sunscreen - I grew up in sunny southern california and the only sunblock we put on was maybe a little on our nose if we were going to the beach. My kids now are putting sunblock on almost daily before going to school. Granted my wife is a nurse working in skincare but I see so many kids being lathered up with sunscreen before school.
Grounding - I think there are still parents that do it but it was really prevelant when I was a kid. Kids were getting grounded left and right for everything.
Now you see parents either being much softer of their kids or the approach I prefer which is talking to my kids about right and wrong and allowing more natural consequences to happen.
Playing outside - We simply needed to be back when the street lights came on. I don't think my parents knew where we were half of the time. Nor did they seem to care. We would ride our bikes miles away, playing in forests. Now parents need to know exactly where their child is and/or be able to see them and keep them close.
Smoking - It was not uncommon for parents to smoke in the car or in the house. I recalled going over to my friends house. His dad smoked and it always smelled so bad to me. So many more people smoked cigarettes back then that it was common.
Dad's Role - In the 80s, less moms worked. At least where we lived, most of the moms stayed at home or maybe had part time jobs. As we got a little older, my mom began teaching her courses at night. The roles of dads is different now. i think dad spend more times with their kids and being involved in their activities.
I just released my Free Webinar, 6 Proven Strategies to Be a Better Father. This is a free 1 hour online class. Take your Dad Skills to the next level! Reserve Your Spot.
Since the beginning of time, children have relied on their parents to pass down wisdom and knowledge about the world. Unfortunately, parents have taken advantage of this and have told their kids some lies. We are not always sure of the motive for the lie, but it happens all the time.
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Sitting too close too the TV will ruin your eyes - in the 50s they were worried about radiation. This is no longer a concern. You might get some temporary eye strain bu their is no long term effects.
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Carrots will help you see better - Vitamin A is good for your eye health but doesn't make you see better
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If you eat watermelon seeds, they will grow in your stomach - The digestive system isn't a good place for them to grow, they will come through the system just fine.
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Swallowing your gum takes 7 years to digest - it will pass through the digestive system just fine
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Storks deliver babies - It's just a lot easier than explaining the truth but for some parents, they just aren't ready to explain it.
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Wait 30 minutes after you have eaten to go in the pool or you will cramp up - your food needs to digest - no merit to this
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If you keep making that face, your face will get stuck - There are multiple muscles in your face and they won't get stuck
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If you pee in the pool, it will turn red - This was used as a detterent to keep kids peeing in the pool. It's not true and not sure how good it works.
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Chocolate milk comes from brown cows - more than 17 million adults still believe that. The color of the cow doesn't matter
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Ice cream trucks play music when they are out of ice cream - I never had this one but boy is that a good one.
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Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis - doesn't cause weakness to joints or damage
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Reading in the dark ruins your eyes - it can strain your eyes or give you a headache but it's not going to ruin them
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Your nose will grow if you lie - Unlike Pinocchio your nose doesn't grow. However researchers have found that the nose can become flush or heat up as a result of a lie
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The car can't start unless you buckle your seat belt. - You might hear an annoying beep but the car will still start. It might be a decent idea for safety though.
Do you guys have any lies your parents told you? Contact us
I'm sure when you found out you were going to be a father, you said to yourself: I got this. I know everything there is to know about being a dad. It's easy. Dealing with a baby, my wife, work, family, I got it all handled.
Ok, reality is that being a new dad is awesome but most likely you are trying to figure out what you need to know. So in this episode we are going over some skills every new dad needs to master. I came up with 6 really important ones.
Most dads think they need to learn skills like how to change the baby's diaper or how to hold a baby.
While sure it's important to know those things, does it really matter if you have the best wiping technique or you hold your baby in that special position. I can tell you from experience, it doesn't. The skills I'm talking about are ones that will impact your life and your child's life. These are the essentials skills for new dads:
1 Managing Expectations - We all come up with scenarios and things in our head. Be careful of this.
When you are a new dad, you may have expectations of how your child should be, what they should do, or even how you should feel. Really you are just shoulding all over yourself.
Manage the expectations you have for those around you and for yourself. Ideally it's best to not have expectations because then you will not be disappointed.
2 Patience - Being a new parent requires patience. One example is that everything you do takes longer when you have a baby. So if you are someone who likes to be on time, give yourself a lot more cushion to get ready.
Your patience will be tested. Whether it's the baby crying for an extended period of time, or you changing a dirty diaper and immediately upon changing the diaper, your child goes to the bathroom again. For some people those kind of things won't make them lose your patience, but something will, I promise.
3 Gratitude - It is impossible to feel down and depressed if you are feeling grateful. We have a previous video somewhere up here (point to upper corner) in which i explain that the secret to happiness is being grateful.
You can actually practice gratitude as a new dad and I would highly suggested it. There are tons of reasons to be grateful. Our other video talks about a gratitude journal and other ways you can develop your gratitude muscle.
The 4th Skill - Being Present - A lot of people talk about being present but what does it mean as a new father? To me it is two things: 1) not being distracted while I'm trying to experience something with my child. That can be as simple as putting your phone away when you are engaging with your child.
The second part of being present is to notice things while they are happening. For example, if you are sitting down holding your child, notice their face, look at it. Notice the surroundings you are in. The colors you see. The sounds you hear. It's the idea of us not being on autopilot. That is being present
5 Unconditional Love - Parenting if often filled with situations of conditional love. You don't want that. What you need to do is love your child regardless of what they do, how they act, what they achieve, or who they become.
Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. If you can master the skill of loving unconditionally, your child will be better off and your relationship with them will be stronger.
and finally #6 - Empathy - The grand daddy of all new father skills. Learning empathy is the single most important thing as a new dad.
Empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It's being able to see things from someone else's perspective. Imagine seeing a situation from your newborn's perspective....it totally changes the way you handle things.
All 6 of these skills are so important for new dads. When you are a new father and you are in the middle of it, sometimes it can be hard to keep perspective on what is really important.
We get lost in the small details and the daily grind of...
We are guilty of being defensive in some aspect of our lives. In happens in our personal relationships and our work. Being defensive typically involves us justifying our actions or words or trying to protect ourselves from either looking bad or being wrong. We certainly don't want to admit responsibility.
So why would we want to stop being defensive? It's not constructive, and usually eats away at the relationship. It can make you look insecure, overly emotional, and close minded.
How do you know if you are being defensive:
1) Do you respond to criticism by criticizing the person saying it to you?
2) You stop listening in the middle of someone talking to you?
3) Do you justify your behavior or actions when someone doesn't like it?
There are many ways we are defensive. But how do we stop it?
1) Admit you act defensive - always the first step is acknowledgement. It's the hardest but once you can get past this, it's much easier.
2) Notice the feelings coming on - do you feel a different way physically? I notice my heart starts to pump harder, my voice may raise a little louder
3) Pause and breathe - This is so important. Our guy reaction is often fast and aggressive. Pausing and breathing forces us to take a step back. After you feel those triggers, take a second and pause. Whether someone is attacking you verbally or criticizing you. Take a breathe so that you are recognizing what is going on.
4) Acknowledge the person's perspective - You don't need to agree with it but you can be empathetic or validate someone's feelings. Listen to them and say something like "I can see this is really hard for you". or "I can see you got really upset at that. " you are not agreeing with them, only acknowledging their side.
5) Look for the truth in the criticism - It may only be a small part, but is there any truth to what they are saying. There certainly could be. We usually don't want to look inside as it is very hard to often do. Taking responsibility for our own actions is not easy either.
6) If appropriate, apologize - If you don't agree you can apologize with "I'm sorry that what I did effected you that way". That's not a real apology for many but can be better than nothing. If you really did do wrong or they are correct, then apologize for it.
7) Tell them how the information could have been conveyed - If they are criticizing you and you care about the relationship, you can tell them how you would have liked them to say it. "Instead of saying the dinner I cooked was horrible" maybe you could have said "Thank you so much for cooking. It's really appreciated but maybe we could consider something different next time?
We are all guilty of being defensive at some point. It can be hard not to be when you insecurities come out or you feel someone is pointing out something negative about you or something you did. Try to remember these tips so you can come out on top.
I know it can't just be my house, but getting your child to listen to what your saying can be frustrating. This is why I have a podcast....so i can pretend that at least someone is listening to me.
When children are really young, it just seems like they are never listening. We offered some tips in Episode 168 if listening is a topic of interest.
It turns out if you have a toddler (2-3 years old), it's said they only respond 50% of the time.....
There are a few suggestions for kids this age, primarily:
lowering your expectations as they are still learning about the world. They simply don't know as many words either.
so for that, use a small amount of words
Let them know what they can do instead of always saying no - "you can hold this" rather than "You can't hold that"
It's when the child is at 3-4 that things get more interesting. These tips can be used at this age but also work as children get older. It takes a lot of practice by us for us (and them) to get it right.
1) The reality it that is actually takes longer for kids to respond than adults. Give them an additional 5-7 seconds to respond. This is difficult as we typically want them to respond right away. Their brain sometimes takes a little longer to process things.
2) Use less words - just like the toddler, less words mean less processing: brush teeth, upstairs. You don't need long sentences to explain what needs to be done.
3) Ask questions - get them interacting by asking questions? What is it that you do after you put on your pajamas? Sometimes this make it like a game.
4) Offering them choices - this is a big one. An example may be, do you want to run up the stairs like a cheetah or a turtle? You are fine with either answer but they get to choose. We had a lot of turtle nights walking up our stairs. I should have chose 2 different fast animals.
5) Display or show the behavior - So when you say "pick up your clothes" you are helping them pick up their clothes and showing them how it's done. Children learn by watching and doing. So they made need instructions for the first 478 times so you'll need to show them over and over.
Let's face it, listening is a problem everyone faces. As kids grow older, even if they are "good" listeners, their attention goes elsewhere. They begin to focus on different things. But here is the reality:
If you have to yell in order to get your kids to do something, it means you have taught them that it's only when you yell do they need to do it. So we have to take responsibility as parents and learn the proper ways to communicate to them. Yelling certainly isn't the answer.
Again so if you are yelling it's not your child's fault, it's yours.
I'm thinking back when my wife was pregnant and I had this combination of feelings....being really excited but also really nervous.
I knew nothing about babies. I was never really around kids. I didn't know how to change a diaper, feed a baby, or even hold it. I was pretty clueless.
Well my kids are now 8 & 10 so i have been through quite a bit. In this video, I'm giving you 4 crucial things that soon to be dads need to know. There is only 4 so this will be easy.
Being an expectant father can be stressful. If you are a first time dad, you don't really know what's going on. You are learning as you go.
Sorry but I think the learning as you go thing continues for the rest of your life.
But hey, that's what we are here for. To help you soon to be dads learn what you need to know.
I've got 4 essential things to know:
1 - You won't be a perfect parent. You are going to mess up, a lot. You are going to get angry, frustrated, and often not have a clue how to handle a situation. It's ok.
Give yourself permission that not everything needs to be perfect nor do you need to know everything. Do your best and don't beat yourself up over it.
2 - Focus on the big picture. The big picture is loving and caring for your child.
I recall worrying so much about little things that i later realize didn't really matter.
Where was the baby going to sleep? It's own room or in our room
What kind of diapers were the best?
Was the stroller the perfect one for us?
Do we need a baby monitor?
Is the house baby proofed?
How long should she breastfeed?
Is it ok to wake a sleeping baby?
I think you understand what I'm trying to say. The big picture is what is important. Focusing too much on all of the little things will drive you crazy.
3 - Your involvement is critical. The more you are involved, the better off your child will be. This is a 50/50 deal with mom. Sure I get it, we can't breastfeed and they have 9 months with the kid before us, but don't think mom's are the ones to take care of the child.
Dad's role used to be to discipline and making money. That ain't it anymore. It's been proven that dad's involvement helps their brains, their development, and their overall emotional well-being.
So understand this, the child will thrive and do better, the more you are involved.
4 - You can do this. At some point and it may happen many times, you are going to doubt yourself. You will think you are not good enough or capable enough....and you are wrong.
You are totally capable of giving and receiving love. Whether you had a bad childhood or a wonderful one doesn't matter. Your past does not equal your future. Let me repeat that: "Your Past Does Not Equal Your Future" - Tony Robbins
You are listening to this podcast for a reason. Give yourself credit and know you can do this.
One of the things I think we don't prepare for very well (at least in America), is our aging parents and how we deal with that.
Kind of like parenting, you aren't given an instruction manual but even worse, it's not really talked about. Dealing with aging parents can be difficult.
Whether it's physical, financial, or emotional issues, we just aren't prepared for these changes.
So in this episode, I thought we would cover some of the things that you may experience as your parents get older. I think it's important to have some awareness that you may face some of these issues.
My hope is that you will realize you are not alone and they are actually quite common. Then we'll get into some things you can do to make the situation less difficult for you and them.
Let's first go over some things you might experience as your parents are aging:
1 - You may feel angry or scared - It's not easy to deal with seeing them physically change, roles changing, and dealing with the different relationship dynamic. They may not be able to do the same things as they used to and and we can sometimes get upset at that.
2 - There could be financial stress - Depending if they have done their own financial planning, insurance, or long term care, you may want to seek the advice of a professional here. There are experts who specialize in helping older people with finances. You want to make sure it's not going to be a financial burden on you as they age.
3 - They may be in denial - They may not want to admit that they need help or that they are getting older. It's often hard to admit you can't do things you once did.
4 - Understand they are just going to forget things - Even if they aren't diagnosed with dementia or a disease, our memories are effected by age. You may find yourself repeating things over and over. Try your best to be patient with them.
5 - You may feel guilty- This usually has to do with two things (how much time you spend and how you treat them). If you live far away this may especially ring true.
You might feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. You may also get upset or frustrated with them for some reason and then will feel guilty about that. But here's the thing, if you feel guilty, you probably are.
So what can you do to make the situation a little less difficult on yourself and them? Here are some tips:
1 - Takes things slow - You must have patience and know that things are going to take you a lot longer than you planned. They may move pretty slow or talk pretty slow. You need to be considerate of that.
2 - Have a plan - Do they have medical directives? Has any estate planning or wills been done? It's best to do these earlier rather than later. It may be uncomfortable to talk about these things but it's going to save a lot of hassle.
3 - Be empathetic that change is hard - Whether they need to downsize where they live or go into a home or senior center, change is not easy. Instead of trying to convince them that the new place is so much better and fun, be empathetic to them that you understand it is a difficult transition.
4 - Ask for help - Don't try to do everything yourself. Call on family members, friends, and even caregivers to assist when they can. If someone needs to be hired or they need more permanent assistance and financially that is an option, it could be worth considering.
5 - Help them Be Social - Include them in social activities. Whether it's for one of your child's events or just going to hangout. Let them know you would like for them to be present and assist them in participating.
6 - Focus on the present - Try to focus on the moments that you have and enjoy the time you are able to spend with them. Don't spend your time worrying about what is going to happen. While it's easier said than done, you want to focus on the present moment
Here are some examples that you might identify with:
1) You are at the playground and instead of participating with your child (or let's say even watching your child), you are on your phone. Your child asks you to come on the monkey bars and you are on Facebook.
2) Your are eating dinner and you are responding to email instead of interacting with the people around you.
3) You are at your child's sporting event and instead of watching the game, you are shopping on Amazon.
These 3 scenarios are examples of distracted parenting. Distracted parenting is the overuse of electronic devices, primarily phones, in the presence of your children.
We often think that these types of situations don't matter, but they do. You will see a child look over at their parents, only to see that their face is buried in their phone.
In previous days before phones this would have been reading a newspaper at the breakfast table or while your child is in the same room and wanting to play a game.
Sure we don't have to be their entertainment 24/7, but they do deserve having us interact with them.
We can't always be their entertainment as they need to learn to entertain themselves.
We often justify the distraction because it's work or something we deem as "really important". The truth is that we make the decision that the screen interaction is more important than the interaction with the child or watching the child.
We need to set the example for our kids in that the device is not a priority. It certainly is not more important than the relationship with your child. So if there are good opportunities to watch your child or even better participate, take them.
So what are some ways you can stop being a distracted parent:
1) First and foremost you have to want to stop. If you don't want to, you can't go to the next item on the list.
2) Become aware of your use. Are you using it in place on interacting with your child?
3) Turn off notifications. If the phone doesn't beep or vibrate, you will be less inclined to pick it up.
4) Don't bring it. Leave it in the car so you can be present.
5) At night when you come home from work, put your phone in "phone jail". You can't get it from jail until your kids go to bed.
6) If you "have to use it" maybe setup boundaries with the child. For example, I need to make this call for 10 minutes and then will put my phone away. Be sure to do what you say as your child learns that your word means something.
You don't have to be focused on your child 100% of the time, but showing your child how important they are goes a long way.
If you are new dad or soon to be dad, you hear a lot about the challenges that come with fatherhood:
"Oh man you are never going to get any sleep"
or how about this one: "forget about going out with your friends anymore."
and the ever so positive....."whoa kids are so expensive. You just wait."
Well I'm here to tell you that being a dad is incredible. There are many reasons why the journey is awesome, but I have narrowed it down to my 6 favorites things about being a dad.
There is enough negativity going on in this world, let's focus on some good stuff. Like fatherhood. There just is nothing else like it. I wanted to share with you 6 of the best things about being a dad.
1 - Your child thinks you're superhero – well maybe not literally but pretty darn close. The way they look up to you, it's an incredible feeling to have someone think you are that great. It's a little bit of pressure sometimes but an amazing nonetheless.
2 - Their hugs and kisses - When you come home from work and they run to see you and give you a big hug...there isn't much that can top that. Parents are typically initiating affection more often than the child, but when they do, it is really pure.
3 - The feeling you get when something you have been trying to teach them finally clicks - This can be from teaching them good manners and they actually say please and thank you on their own to them learning how to ride a bike and you letting go for the first time. These kind of moments are special and give you that warm and fuzzy feeling.
4 - It teaches you to focus on what really is important - Sure my sports car and business were really important when my first child was born but you begin to realize that nobody on their death bed ever says "I should have spent more time at the office".
Learning to have multiple facets of your life in harmony became the goal for me. Things didn't necessarily get eliminated, it's just my priorities begin to shift when I became a dad. That's the choice I want to make.
5 - It teaches you to slow down. No matter how fast you want to go, when you are dealing with a baby or toddler, it is at their pace. You can't hurry the process. Just the other day, I saw a toddler outside the gym. He was maybe the age where he had only been walking for a short bit. There were flowers out front and he stopped to smell the flowers. His mom, who obviously had to get to a class, was in a hurry but saw he was really enjoying the flowers. She let him smell them for for a bit and then grabbed his hand to go in. But I will say she let him stand there a lot longer than I would have thought.
6 - It makes you want to be a better man - when you start realizing that another human really depends on you, you want to step up your game. You start thinking about things like your legacy and how you can positively impact those around you.
As I said in the beginning, being a dad is incredible. It's also what you make of it. Be sure to enjoy the journey and know that your role as a father is so important. We are very grateful that you are part of Dad University.
You may have hear the term before "Boys Will be Boys". When someone says this, what does this mean to you?
It's a term used to express the view that mischievous or childish behavior is typical of boys or young men and should not cause surprise when it occurs.
Today we are going to talk about why that phrase is total BS.
There are numerous areas where the term Boys Will Be Boys could be applied: 2 young boys wrestling aggressively, a boy with an extremely messy room and lack of hygeine, or a teenage boy playing pranks on unsuspecting strangers. It's often about recklessness and rowdiness.
When people say it, they are attempting to justify the reason why boys or young men act in these ways.
But for today, I want to focus on the specific topic of male behavior towards women. There is a lot of attention on this topic right now: lawsuits, people going to jail, political wars, and more.
It is crucial as a man and as a father, to teach your son how to treat other people in a positive way. [Lean in] If you don't have this one down yourself, you need to do some work.
Let's look at a couple of scenarios:
You are driving in the car with your 10 year old son and you are at a stop light. 3 young women walk across the street and you see your son staring with interest at them. You then make a comment about how they look.
While you may think you didn't say anything inappropriate, you just taught your son that it is ok to judge a girl's appearance. If you want to think it, that's up to you, but don't say it.
Here's another scenario: Your teenage son is hanging out upstairs in his room on a weekend night. You go into his room and say "why are you hanging out here. Why don't you go out and get yourself some."
This totally objectifies women as if they are something to conquer for yourself. Teenage boys have raging hormones but maybe a talk about how to strike up a conversation with someone would be more valuable.
What your hearing in these examples is that we can say things to our sons without really thinking of the impact it can have on their perception and ultimately the treatment, of women.
You are also going to experience situations in which your son will say or do something that is not ok. It's important you point out that what they say or did is not ok and discuss how they could have handled it better. You letting it go is saying that it is acceptable.
Even when they are young and before any sex talk, you should be having ongoing dialogue about appropriate behavior, communicating properly with others, and even sexual harassment.
Of course there are going to be large variances in what people feel is appropriate. But if we start our sons off right from a young age, we can drastically reduce the negative impact we are seeing in society from these situations.
I'm not really a controversial guy, but boy do people have strong feelings about this one. It is true that moms have a tendency to post much more about their kids than dads do, but dads are guilty as well. The topic for today's episode is sharenting
The topic of sharenting has become pretty serious. There are some issues that come along with sharenting. Let's look at some of these issues:
1) Legal issues - an 18 year old girl is suing her parents for posting a baby picture she didn't like. She didn't consent to it being posted.
There could be all kinds of legal issues in the future with parents not getting the consent of their children before posting.
2) Body Image Issues - Starting kids off young with the idea that likes and views matter is not good. Social media will judge anything, even a young child's appearance.
3) Digital Narcissism - The posting of accomplishments or something great your kid did actually makes you think you are great.
This isn't good for you or them. Your self worth should not come from the accomplishments of your child.
4) Security Issues - Children's identities are being stolen or their safety is at greater risk because their identity is known.
People think "That would never happen to my child". I only post pictures of whatever". The reality is that it is happening more and more.
So how do we navigate this as parents? What is ok to post and what is not? Parents are now making money off of content of their kids. It has become a business in itself with content creators having their children as a big part of their content.
Personally, I think the negatives drastically outweigh the positives when it comes to posting content about kids. If you are going to post, maybe you considering asking yourself some questions before doing it:
1) Did I get the consent of my child to post? If they are too young to make that decision, then you'll need to ask some additional questions to yourself.
2) Why am I posting? Am I doing this to feel better about myself? Because most of the time, there is zero value to the child for you posting.
3) Will my child ever be upset or embarrassed of the post? Are you talking about something negative they did or how much they frustrated you? Think about how they may feel.
4) Do you want this to be part of your children's digital archive? Posts are digital tattoos. They are permanent. You need to be mindful of how the content could affect their life in any way in the future.
We all think our children are the cutest, smartest, most talented people in the world. We want people like, share, and provide positive comments about what we post.
Unfortunately it really only does something for you and not the child. Let's agree to stop sharenting.
In this episode we talk with Alex Nemet, an ultramarathon runner who has learned to push himself beyond his limits. Here are some of his stats:
- He has been doing these races for over 15 years
- He is approaching 50 - 100 mile + races
- He has climbed the highest peaks on 5 of the 7 continents
- One of his races included 352 miles across the arctic - pulling a 60 pound sled, not by dogs, he was the dog
- At the time of this interview, he is in the middle of going after the triple crown of 200 mile races - he's done 2 of 3 in the span 4 weeks.
Here are some of the questions Alex answers: When did you do your first race? How ling was it? How did you decide to build up the amount? What was the reason you did your first race? How do you become mentally strong to overcome your own limiting beliefs. How did your first race go? In addition to races you have also gone on expeditions? What have those been like? How did you prepare? Food, your body, clothing, What do you feel like right before a race? How many people start vs how many people finish? What about sleep or lack of it? How much do you sleep during the race? What does it feel like during the race? You talked about hallucinations. What brings that on? What about night time? You run in the middle of the night? How do you do that with no or little instruction on where to go? Is this fun for you? What do you think is the driving force behind your desire to do this? As a dad, what do your kids think of it? Are they simply like "ok dad, we'll see you in a few days?"
I think stereotypically in the beginning of relationships, women are typically considered more needy than men. However I think there is a shift for married men and especially when the kids come into the picture.....we become more needy.
Our expectations may increase this can manifest with various needs:
We need everything to be clean We need more attention from our wife We need our kids to listen to us We need our free time We need more sex We need this, we need that
Let me make a disclaimer, if you are not complaining or thinking you need anything, then you are on the right track and this episode isn't for you.
But if you have thought things you need in your life, you might want to listen.
What we need to do is to reduce our need to need and instead look at the reality of need versus want.
A need is something you can't live without: food, water, clothing, shelter....maybe then there are some things you would categorize as needs because you really feel like you couldn't live without them: music, exercise, etc.
But many of the things we state as needs are really called wants. Let's review the list and substitute with want:
I want everything to be clean I want more attention from our wife I want my kids to listen to me I want free time I want more sex
You get the idea
Wanting more of something isn't necessarily bad, but when you are requiring the action or participation of another person, you are more than likely going to fail at getting what you want by complaining about it.
Let's take cleaning as an example. If you really want things to be clean and your spouse just isn't doing as good of a job as you feel they should, you have 3 options:
- Clean it yourself
- Hire someone to clean it
- Lower your expectations
Requiring your wife to clean more isn't going to work (in the long run). These kind of expectations build up resentment.
You can end up in multiple parts of your life driving yourself crazy and those around you because of the "needs" you have. You have to realize that these are usually wants.
Break each "want" down and understand what are the options for you to solve this need (which is actually a want)
When you start removing the expectations of others and realize that your needs and wants are your own responsibility, it's amazing how others around you will respond. You'll get what you need.
In this episode we are going over some bad parenting styles and their effects on kids.
1) Helicopter Parents - First used in 1969 in the book Parents & Teenagers by Dr. Haim Ginott's. Teens said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter;
This is when parents are over focused on their kids. It's really over parenting. They are driven by fear, whether they think something bad will happen to their kid or they will feel embarassed themsevles.
The parent might make sure they get a certain teacher at the school, getting over involved in their homework, and even directing their social activity. This may be ok for really small children but as they get older, it' doesn't work.
But being faced with challenges and failing is necessary for growing and building resiliency. Sure we don't like to see our kids struggle but we have to prepare them for the real world.
The consequences of helicopter parenting:
Low self esteem - Everything is handled for them so they don't believe they can do anything themselves Anxiety - mental control is not developed as well as their self-regulation They feel entitled - They think they are the center of the universe Coping skills are not developed - They don't know how to handle situations because it was handled for them
2) Lawnmower Parents - They mow obstacles down in front of their kids so they don't experience them. It's so they don't need to face failure, adversity, or struggles. While their intentions might be good, the practicality of it is really bad.
Most of the time lawnmower parents act the way they do because of their own issues in their life. They may have really struggled when they were young and don't want their child to struggle.
or they felt abandoned by their parents when they really needed them. In any case they are wanting to help their child but it really doesn't help, in fact it ruins them.
They simply won't know what to do or how to handle struggles in their life.
So what are the consequences of lawnmover parenting:
Don't know how to handle conflict - They havne't experienced it so that muscle wasn't developed They blame other people - It couldn't be their fault, nothing ever is. They don't take responsibility for their own issues Give up on things easily - It's too hard, so it's just better not to do it. Call on others (like their parents) to help them. Someone else will handle it so
Stress and failure are really strong cryptonite to people who have been parented this way. They may find other ways of dealing with these kind of problems, like addiction.
This can also be called Bulldoze parenting, Snowplough Parenting. Basically anything that can push the obstacles out of the child's way.
3) Tiger Parenting - This term was coined by Amy Chua in a 2011 memoir. It was originally a Chinese-American concept known for being strict and demanding. They parallelled it with strict households throughout parts of Asia. They put their children's academics and careers before anything else. Their child's only option is to succeed.
This is very similar to a stage mother in Hollywood who forces her child to act or perform.
Some of the consequences:
depression anxiety poor social skills focus on the negative
The parents may think of success differently than the child but the child's opinion doesn't really matter. They are accomplishing things for their parents. It makes the parent feel good without recognition of how the child might feel.
I would imagine the relationships of these parents/child isn't very admirable as they get older.
4) Honorable mention
The Outsourcer - get other people to parent your kids, like caretakers and nannys Underparents - slackers or free range, they just too lazy to do anything Narcissistic Parenting - Just feeding their own ego and driven by their own needs Toxic Parenting - This covers any type that is negative but basically means neglect, abuse both physical and emotional.
In episode 105 we talked about how punishing your kids doesn't work. We discussed why people punish their kids and then provided some tips on what to do.
One of the things I wanted to expand on was talking about specific scenarios that happen with your kids and how we can handle them.
Parents often solve the problem with grounding their child. Grounding is probably one of the biggest parenting traps because we think that it works but the reality is that it doesn't.
Let's look at even a more crazy situation: prison. Did you know that around 77% of prisoners who are released, get arrested again. Certainly there are other factors but we certainly have to look at the fact that prison is not "fixing" people so they won't do bad things anymore. Punishment doesn't work.
Just like prison, grounding doesn't work. When I was growing up, I noticed i was disciplined differently than many of my friends. I would knock on my friends door and find out they were grounded.
They were confined to their room or something like that and on "house arrest". They weren't able to play, use the phone, etc.
My parents took a different approach. When I did something wrong, my parents (especially my mom) would explain what I did wrong and we would figure out ways to fix the issue and talk about it.
I do recall when I was probably about 10 years old, my mom got really upset at something I did and told me to go to my room and that I was grounded. She then came back about 15-20 minutes later and said "forget what I said, grounding you is stupid" or something like that.
But they way it was handled for me, allowed me to learn right from wrong and make the decisions that were good for me. This is not giving myself credit, this is giving my parents credit.
So I want discuss some scenarios where your child might do something wrong and normally a parent my ground them. I'd like to discuss how it could be handled without grounding....and so that your child learns something:
1) What if your kid got in trouble at school for making out with their boyfriend/girlfriend behind the bleechers?
//If you ground them, they are just going to sneak around
2) What do you do if your kid hit another kid and got in trouble at school and went to the principals's office? Your child wasn't defending themself. They got angry and hit them.
//Grounding them doesn't relate to the problem. I would talk to my child about how hitting is not ok. It is not the way to solve problems. I would require my child to apologize to the other child as well as do something nice for them and have them come up with a solution. r
3) Your kid steals something from the store. Doesn't get caught from the store but you find it in their room?
//Grounding just makes them be better at avoiding getting caught. It's a common thing with young kids as they learn about ownership. They may not really even understand money. You make them take it back to the store and apologize to the manager or store owner. You also discuss how stealing is not ok, and they can ultimately go to jail.
4) Your child talked back to the teacher and got detention.
//detention is the punishment. Ask what they can do to make it up to the teacher. Of course they need to apologize, but possibly right them a letter, or offer to help the teacher in class. Discuss being respectful and how if you want to be respected, you have to provide respect. How it's not fair to other students for you to disrupt.
In all of these scenarios, punishment doesn't really teach about what is right. The child just learn how to better avoid punishment. Many argue they will just do it again because there isn't consequences. Many of them do have consequences: detention for school, and/or jail if its outside school. Jail is not a place you want to be.
We are all trying to raise ethical and moral children. Punishing them just isn't the best way to get them there.
I have heard this topic come up more and more lately. I know a few people that suffer from this. I have seen some discussions in the Dad Facebook groups about it. And then I recently saw a brief clip of Henry Rollins on the Joe Rogan podcast in which after Henry got done saying all of these things about himself, Joe says, well it sounds like you have social anxiety.
On a tangent, if you know of Henry Rollins, it's a really interesting interview. He has no friends (or very few, no family, no wife, etc and prefers to be alone. He gets on stage and has no problem performing in front of thousands of people but doesn't want to be "with" people...only performing, it's much easier.
Social anxiety is a disorder, it's social phobia. And some say it is the most common mental disorder. In other words, a lot of people have it and have to deal with it. It's not just being a little uncomfortable, it's being really uncomfortable.
Here are a few common situations that can trigger it:
Speaking in public Making eye contact Public Restrooms Eating in front of others Dating Talking to People
Some people might have difficulty with one issue or many.
I have been lucky that for my entire life, I have been pretty outgoing. However I can see how this could be extremely difficult. So I started learning about it a little more and wanted to offer some help if there is anyone in our audience that suffers from this.
There seems to be a few common fears with people who suffer from this:
Worried about offending someone Concerned about being humiliated or embarrassed Being judged by others
It may show itself similar to a panick attack:
Stomach issues or running to the bathroom Out of breath Dizziness Tightening of muscles Rapid heartbeat
They say it can start as early as 13. Often history of being teased, bullied, or even abuse. Shy kids are more likely to have it but also controlling or overbearing parents. The end result can be
Low self esteen Depression Negative thoughts Poor social skills Very sensitive to criticism
So here are some ways you can begin to deal with social anxiety:
1) Tell others - It might be hard but open up to your family or close friends about it. This will help get rid of or reduce any shame associated with it.
2) Meditation or Breathing Exercises - Both of these can help you relax in situations as your heartrate increases or your muscles get more tense. It becomes a cycle that you will need to break
3) Think of Worse Case Scenarios - My mom taught me this one. When I was nervous about something, she would ask, "What is the worst thing that can happen". For a speech it might be "I forget my words and look stupid". She would then say something like "that is why you have it written down in front of you". There is usually a way to hedge the situation. I'm scared to go to the party. What is the worst thing? I won't know anyone and will feel stupid. As you can see, a lot of these have the same theme.
4) Change Your Focus - Instead of focusing on yourself, focus on the other person, or the location, or something else that is going on. People in these situations are so focused on how they appear or are acting.
5) Feel the fear and do it anyway - Facing your feels can be incredibly difficult, but it can also build your confidence. Start with baby steps and you may begin to realize that you can overcome it. The anxiety doesn't have to control you, you can control it.
6) Accept Yourself - This sounds easy and I understand it can be hard....but stop trying to be perfect. Nobody is. Accepting yourself is so crucial in overcoming this.
I hope those of you listening that deal with this have gotten something out of it. We would love to hear from you.
Most people are pretty aware on whether they are a jealous person or not. For those that are, they may create scenarios in their head. Most of the time reality has nothing to do with it. But certainly there are times when something just feels off or quite not right.
Psychologists often point to deep insecurities or traits about your personality that may need some "work".
But jealous feelings are different than jealous behaviors. If your actually confirm your wife does something you don't agree with someone else, of course it's ok to have some feelings about it. For example, she was texting an old boyfriend. But what do you do with those feelings.
Acting on it can have some ramifications in your relationship. How you handle it could be really important.
I think trust and values play a big part. If you don't trust your partner than for sure you are more likely to have issues with jealousy.
Also when you value certain things: love, honesty, or even monogamy, you may feel those are in jeopardy when you feel jealous.
Let's go over some ways to deal with jealousy:
1) Become aware - recognize you are jealous. Understand it is your problem, not someone else's. Even if someone else is acting in a way that you don't agree with, your have control over your state. Overcoming it is up to you.
2) Understand the reason for your jealousy - Is the situational real or is it in your head? What exactly is making your jealous? The fear of losing someone?
3) Review your assumptions - Do you expect that your partner can't communicate with certain people? Are they not allowed to provide friendly affection? You have to understand what your assumptions are.
4) Understand the impact if you act - If you try to control the person or snoop around, do you risk losing them? Many people are willing to do that.
5) Try to solve it - You may want to communicate your issue but make it your issue. Do not blame the other person. How you approach it and how they react to itcan be important in telling how smooth the relationship will be. If your partner doesn't seem to care about how you feel, there could be a problem. On the other hand, you may have two completely different assumptions on how things should be.
Jealousy is not an easy subject. Sometimes it is the result of beliefs we have about ourselves, our weaknesses....but it can also be a real feeling brought on by the actions of someone else. If you are feeling jealous, go over these ways to deal with it and see how it goes.
In this episode Jason interviews Alan, the co-host of the podcast. We learn about Alan's childhood, his personal and professional journey, and a little about his current interests. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the hearing the man with the really deep voice!!
Mealtime can be frustrating, especially with toddlers. Whether they refuse to eat or act just like a crazy child, it can really get to you as a parent. We are primarily talking about dinner, but certainly it can apply to other meals. I can't tell you that I have this one totally figured out and my children are now 8 and 10. Granted things are much easier and smoother now but I do think it was many years of battles.
Here are a few things that seemed to have help us with reducing the mealtime battles. I didn't say eliminate but it can reduce them:
1) Get the kids involved in the cooking - It seems when they helped cook it, they were more interested to eat it.
2) Don't force the food - If they are not hungry, allow them to skip it. But when they do get hungry, they should be eating what was there before. Don't get soft or forget and give them snacks. They will use this technique if they know they can then get a snack later.
3) Be sure not to ruin the meal beforehand - Make sure they come to table hungry. If you give them drink or food too close to meal that you really want to have, you might ruin it yourself.
4) Expect that a child 2-6 is probably going to have some difficulty sitting still for a meal. They should still eat in a designated place every time so it become routine, ideally the dinner table
5) You are not a short order cook - You can say "This is what's for dinner". If it's possible try to eliminate substitutes so they get used to eating what is expected. Each family member doesn't get a separate meal.
6) Pressure and yelling won't work - You don't want you child to have anxiety around food.
7) Don't take it personally - Your child is not battling you to get at you. They are arguing because they are a toddler.
8) Turn off all screens and distractions - No computers or TV during mealtime.
hen a baby is first born, men often indicate that they don't feel very close to the baby. Although mom's carry the child for 9 months, feel it kicking and turning inside of them so the relationship foundation begins much earlier. I know with my first child I struggled to feel that bond right away. I certainly loved my child, but the deep emotional connection was not as strong as my wife's. I think this is a common issue with men. So for this podcast, we are providing some tips on how dads can increase their bond with the baby. As you can probably imagine, all of the tips pretty much have to do with spending more time with the child.
Here are 9 tips for you to get closer and bond with your baby:
1) Skin to Skin Contact - take your shirt off and lay the baby down on your chest
2) Feed the child - take the feedings in the middle or anytime you can. If your wife is breastfeeding and you have a pump, you can then do the feeding from the bottle.
3) Bath the child - most babies love bath time. I know both of my kids did. Splashing in water and playing with toys was a good time from the beginning.
4) Read to the child - Whether it's some random time or part of the bedtime routine, them hearing your voice is important. It's ok even if they are clueless and have no idea what you are saying. There are books that allow children to squeeze, bite, and pull on them and they don't rip.
5) Change diapers - I once had a guy tell me that he had 4 grown kids and was proud that he never changed a single diaper. I personally wouldn't be proud of that.
6) Baby massage - Touch is really good for a baby. There skin is so soft too. My children to this day still love getting any massage they can get.
7) Make silly faces and noises - Men are tpyically good at voices and doing silly things. There is nothing better than a baby's laugh. Heck, billions of YouTube views are dedicated to babies laughing.
8) Pick the baby up with it cries. Even if the baby prefers mommy, continue to do so
9) Spend alone time without your wife - If your wife is the primary caregiver, tell her to go somewhere and you spend the time alone with the child. It gives her a break but also allows you to spend quality time with your child one-one-one. There is no mommy in the distance that the baby can see.
For years many women in the workplace have been concerned that taking time off when having a baby could negatively affect their career. Would the perception of them at the company change? Would there be too much of an impact on the company? Well a new problem is emerging. Companies are offering paternity leave for men and they are not taking it.
First, let's make sure we understand what paternity leave is. It is the period of time when a father stops working because he is going to have or just had a baby. It can also cover adoption. Many companies are using the term parental leave or family leave to cover mothers, fathers, or domestic partners. In the US, there is a federal law called the "Family and Medical Leave Act" that protects your job for 12 weeks after a birth or adoption. According to diversitydatakids.org, only 38% of the workforce in the US can benefit from this. The family and medical leave act doesn't mean your employer will pay you during that time, but you do have the right to take the time off without penalty in pay or position.
Recently there has been more activity around the topic of parental or family leave. Out of 185 countries surveyed by the United Nations, the US stood out as one of only two countries that did not mandate paid maternity leave. Last week there was a senate panel hearing on the topic and many companies are changing their policies to offer more paid time off. As an example, Facebook offers 4 months of paid parental leave and American Express offers 5 months. Then you have Netflix which leads the way offering up to 1 year of paid parental leave. They basically say take as much time as you need during the first year. While every employer is different, be sure to check with yours to see what the paternity policy is.
So for those that are offered paid paternity leave, why are they not taking it? According to a recent Deloitte Survey, 57% of men felt that exercising their parental leave right would be perceived as a lack of commitment to their jobs.
In a study done by Promundo & Dove Men Care, 21% of male respondents stated they were afraid of losing their jobs if they took the full amount of paternity leave offered. Fortunately that is only perception and not reality. In a 2012 US Department of Labor brief, they discussed how important paternity leave is. They indicated it promoted parent-child bonding, improves father engagement, and even increases the gender equity at home and at the workplace. In other words, if dads are more involved from birth, not only does it help the child, but it is helping improve employment equality and pay for mothers.
Business are also finding that it can be good for the bottom line when fathers take time off and can be involved with their families. These employees are happier, more productive, and focused. Here is the bottom line: Nobody on their death bed ever said they should have spent more time at the office. If your company has a paid paternity leave policy, use it to the max. If your company doesn't provide paid time off for paternity, see if you can use vacation days or just take some non-paid days if you can afford to do so. If neither of those are an option, then you make your best effort to spend your off time with the baby.
It's a magical time when your child is introduced into the world. Take advantage of the time to enjoy every minute you can. They say it goes by fast and I can tell you it does.
In America, like many countries, alcohol is a big part of our society. It's part of celebrations, parties, holidays, and even relaxation.
Alcohol beverage sales in the US in 2016 were appox. $223 billion
It's also the 3rd largest preventable cause of death in the US with aprox 88000 people per year dying of alcohol related deaths.
This episode isn't about the dangers of alcohol or even whether you should drink or not. It's really about whether or not it's ok to drink around your kids.
From the research I have looked at, it seems that the attitude toward the alcohol is probably the most important factor on how your child perceives it.
Let me give you a few scenarious:
1) You come home from work and you say "man, what a day. I could really use a drink right now."
or
2) you are having a party at your house and your child sees you drinking numerous drinks. By the end of the night, your drunk.
The association of alcohol used as a reward or used in celebration runs pretty deep. Teaching our children a healthier association with alcohol is going to take some effort.
I've created a few tips to follow:
1) Don't get drunk in front of your children. Maybe wait until you have that vacation with your buddies or you wait for the times when your kids aren't going to be around.
2) Never get behind the wheel of a car when drinking or be a passenger with someone who has been drinking Be sure your kids see that. Communicate those rules with them.
3) Don't make it a requirement for fun. If you require drinks for every event, maybe you can try creating fun activities that don't involve alcohol.
4) Make it no big deal. If you are using alcohol to relax or some other reason keep it to yourself. Don't say "I could really use a drink right now".
Our kids are sponges. They see and hear everything.
I'll assume you don't want your child to have a problem with alcohol. While how you deal with alcohol isn't the only factor that determines the fate of your child's relationship with alcohol, it is big factor.
We owe it to our children to be responsible and teach responsibility.
We have had discussions on work/life balance. Is it better to spend a short amount of quality time versus a larger amount of time that is not as high of quality?
I don't think we do this in other parts of our lives?
If you were learning to read and only spent a short amount of time focusing on it, would you learn it? Probably not, you have to have good quality over a long period of time. It's actually both that is needed.
How about a marriage? Can a marriage be built and survive by only seeing each other every once in a while? Can it survive on just living in the same place and seeing each other a lot but never really spending quality time together?
We hear about marriages falling apart because they were too busy or didn't have enough time for each other or the opposite that they didn't have any quality time together. Either one is not enough.
What if we have to pick one?
If it's one for one, my opinion would be that a shorter amount of quality time is better. When we are focused and attentive, you would think the child feels more fulfilled and connected.
If we have a longer time with them but are distracted, on the phone, talking to someone else, etc I would think they aren't going to feel connected.
There are a few studies that support this. A study by University of Toronto sociologist Melissa Milkie was in the Journal of Marriage and Family published in 2015, found that the amount of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how the child turns out. This included the children’s academic achievement, behavior and emotional well-being.
However they did find that the more time a teen spends engaged with their mother, the fewer instances of delinquent behavior.
Drs Brazelton and Greenspan, who are child development experts state,
“Nurturing emotional relationships are the most primary foundation for both intellectual and social growth . . . The most important learning in the early years is provided by human interaction. Objects and learning devices do not compare.”
The child who plays internet games, or who is engaged in play activities with non-human devices, will have a differently wired brain than the child who is hugged, listened to, shown delight, and provided with more warm interaction than is demanded. While children’s brain architect is basically similar, how the structures get wired (integrated together) is the result of the child’s experiences with the important people in their lives.
Are we asking the question of quality versus quantity because of guilt? As parents we often feel guilty that we are not spending enough time with our kids.
A study at the University of Oxford found a father’s positive emotional response to parenting during the child’s early years matters more than how much time they spent with them.
The children of fathers who felt good about being a parent and confident in their role during this period were 28 percent less likely to have behavioral problems later on.
So overall we know that the quality of the time is important but so is quantity.
Why do we have to have an argument of which is better? We don't do that with other parts of our lives so why should we do it with kids? . Can we have a balance of both? That's the question for each of us to ponder.
The bottom line is that you and your child are going to benefit from spending more connected time together. How much of that that happens depends on your individual situation. Make the most of the time you do have, stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty.
In episode 171 we talk about 8 lessons to teach your daughter. In this episode we touch on some important life lessons to teach our sons.
1 - Men can have emotions - It's ok to be vulnerable, it's ok to cry
2 - Treat people with respect - Treat others how you want to be treated.
3 - Chivalry is Alive - Be a gentleman. hold the door open, say please and thank you.
4 - Stand up for yourself - defend yourself and those you love. Don't let other people push you around.
5 - Make your own decisions - don't be influenced by others. 2 boys have half a brain, 3 boys have no brain,
6 - Choose Your Battles - There are times to walk away. When it comes to family and friends, it's usually not worth battling.
7 - Don't criticize other people - It's unattractive and typically means there is something going on within you. Don't comment on other people's shortcomings, appearances, or anything else that means negativity coming from your mouth.
8 - It's not just about you - This goes for a lot of things but primarily meant for relationships. A girls is not going to want the same things you want. Learn what she wants and what she likes.
We all want our kids to thrive and do well. Unfortunately, some of the things we say to our kids are doing more harm than good.
Here are 9 things you should NEVER say to your child and what you should say instead:
1 What not to say: "I'm So Proud of You"
Instead say "You should be proud of yourself"
our child should not be looking to someone else for approval. We want to teach them to have that feeling from within...for themselves.
2 What not to say: "You are bad"
Instead say "You made a bad choice" or "your behavior right now is not acceptable"
When you say "you are bad" they hear that they are a bad person. This is not what we want them to hear.
3 What not to say: "Stop Crying"
Instead say: "I can see you are really upset. Why are you crying?
Let them have emotion and be empathetic towards them. If you need some help with empathy, watch our video episode 18 (The secret to parenting).
4 What not to say: "We can't afford that"
Instead say: "We choose not to spend our money on that" Always coming from a place of scarcity is not good. Instead we want to teach them that we make choices on how we spend our money.
5 What not to say: "Why can't you be more like your brother?"
Instead say: I really appreciate the way you treat other people. Pick out something positive that they do and re-enforce that. Never compare them to siblings or other people.
6 What not to say: "You're okay"
Instead say: That looks like it really hurts you. Can I get you some ice?
If they fall or get hurt, don't negate their feelings. If you got hurt, does someone saying "don't worry about it, your ok make you feel any better? No.
7 What not to say: "Great job"
Instead say: "You worked really hard at this. You should be proud of yourself." Again this is praise that we want to avoid them requiring from the outside.
8 What not to say: "Because I said so"
Instead say: "I know you really wanted to play but it's time for dinner." The famous because i said so. Be specific of your request and then offer them a solution: Do you want to maybe play with him tomorrow?
9: What not to say: "You Make Me So Mad"
Instead say: I'm feeling frustrated right now and need to handle this better.
Your child is not responsible for your emotions. Yes they know how to find the right buttons to push. But you need to show them that someone else doesn't determine how you feel. You get to decide how you feel.
Hopefully you learned a few new ways to talk with your child.
We want to hear from you. Do you agree or disagree with this list?
I wanted to create an episode that I thought would be really important for my young daughter to listen to.
This episode is from the perspective of me talking to her.
If you are able to communicate and teach these lessons to your own daughter, that is awesome. However, you can also listen to this podcast with her and use it as reference to talk about the different points.
We will cover 8 life lessons every dad can teach his daughter:
1 - You are capable of solving problems yourself - You don't need to depend on anyone, especially a boy.
Whether it's for emotional, financial, or any other support, you are totally capable of being self-sufficient and taking care of yourself..
2 - You are perfect the way you are - Every person is unique and perfect in their own way.
Nobody (including friends, family, the media, or anyone else) gets to dictate what perfection is. You are perfect the way you are.
3 - You can do anything boys can do - Now, I do think celebrating the differences between boys and girls (men and women) is good. We are different and that makes us each great.
But you will not hear me say "that's for boys". You can work on cars, learn martial arts, or shoot a basketball. I will not limit you and don't let anyone else do it either.
4 - Stand your ground - You have a right to believe what you want. Protect and defend yourself as well as those you love.
Your views are just as valuable as anyone else's.
5 - Your affection is yours to give - You have control over your body and get to choose who you want to give affection to.
You should never feel obligated (even with family) to have to hug or kiss anyone. You affection is yours to give
6 - Be empathetic - Learn to put yourself in other people's shoes. This may include helping people or simply understanding someone else's perspective.
Empathy is powerful.
7 - Respect Yourself and Others - Know your worth and learn how to say no.
For others, you may not always agree with someone, but allow them to express their views.
8 - You are in charge of your emotions - You are the one who decides what something means. You get to choose your story and how things effect you.
Just a tip, choosing happiness is a lot better but it's totally up to you.
Well, we want to hear from you. Are there some other life lessons you think are valuable? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.
You just had a child, whether you have a newborn, or your child is now a toddler, she's tired. She's tired of cleaning up after the kid, tired of taking the child places, and most likely tired of you complaining.
While for some guys it may be as simple as you are just wanting more physical intimacy, but for other it may just be that you want her to recognize that you are in the house. There may be an entire spectrum.
So I wanted to put together a few tips for guys to help them with their situation. As always, none of this advice has anything to do with my own personal experience. I got these from a friend :)
1) Stop complaining - Nobody wants to hear you complain. When someone complains to you, does it motivate you to act?
2) Don't Try to Always Be Right - It is so not worth it. You need to learn quickly that arguing or more importantly being right, really doesn't get you anything.
3) Be empathetic - You need to understand that being a mom is hard. It is often a thankless job and the demands are heavy. When she is complaining about something, listen. Really listen.
4) Positive re-inforcement - Many women after having kids begin to feel like they are not "good enough", "sexy enough" or whatever enough is in their head. If we are making demands on them, this will only add to the fire. Providing them positive re-inforcement and showing appreciation will go a long way. A comment like "I really appreciate you being able to make dinner.
5) Lower or eliminate your expectations - Top putting expectations on the other person. She should be doing the same for you too. Sure there are elements in parenting that require expectations but for things like paying attention to you, you are going to have to back off. Offer her attention or affection with no expectations.
6) Figure out her love language - She may not care that you buy her a gift but really would love if you cleaned something. Figure out what which language she is and do that more.
7) Give her some R&R time - If she is with the children all the time, give her a break and allow her to sleep in, get a massage, or do nothing at all. Maybe even setup a regular schedule that allows her to re-charge at regular intervals.
If you are wanting more, I know it's hard to not want more but that how it works. When it doesn't become about you, that's when you are more inclined to get the attention you deserve. You do deserve attention, you just need to be aware that your wife deserves the type of attention she wants too.
I recalled having a lot of anxiety before any traveling we did when our kids were toddlers. A long car ride or a long flight can be a nightmare if you are not well prepared. I figured I would offer some tips to surviving the trip:
For car rides: 1) Schedule the ride around nap time if you can. Kids will sleep in the car. If you have a long car ride ahead, know if your child is more cranky before or after their nap and time the ride accordingly.
2) Pack snacks - Then pack more snacks. Nothing generates hunger like boredom. But use them when you absolutely need it. Bring water, fruit, crackers (of course any that don't make too much of a mess).
3) Plan to stop - Even if nobody requests to stop, do it anyway. Take a bathroom break. Even if it's 5 or 10 minutes. Get them to walk around, stretch, etc. Ok this one may be even more for me but it's important for them too.
4) Play seeing or verbal games - We used to play alphabet all of the time as kids and still play with ours. If they are old enough, you look for signs that contain the letter and go through the alphabet.
5) Bring entertainment - Books to read coloring books, stuffed animal or action figured. While I'm not a big fan of occupying a child's time with electronics, a long road trip may be the one time where rules go out the window. For short rides I don't think it's a good idea as they then don't have the ability to entertain themselves. But for long trips, it may be an ipad or a movie that can pass some of the time. You will still want to limit too much screen time.
Audio stories - Instead of a movie, I really liked the idea of an audio book or story. This may they get to use more of their imagination. You can use a phone or even an mp3 player to find stories.
6) Rotate Seats - If you have more than one child, put them in different places halfway through the trip.
A plane requires primarily the same things with a few small differences 1) Schedule when they are their happiest. Unlike the car ride which is best scheduled around naps, I have found they don't sleep on the plane. It's too exciting. So we scheduled the trips in the early morning because my kids were always at their best in the mornings.
2) Give yourself some extra time - Airlines already require you to be there so early but with kids, it makes sense. Everything just takes a little longer.
3) While you can't stop the plane, do still get up and walk around. You may even want to schedule this once an hour so you don't get to the point when you have to do it.
4) Go nonstop - The least amount of travel time is preferred and their is only one takeoff for hurting ears. You'll get to know your child. If you have to break it up into stops, then ok, but it was never my preference.
5) Bring lollipops or gum - They usually have problems with their ears so bring them something to suck on which will help their ears pop. This can be painful.
6) Have them sit near the window - The aisle can be a little dangerous with carts and people walking by.
7) Bring snacks that last - Raisins, goldfish, pretzels, grapes. Anything that can be eating one at a time and can take a long time to eat.
For you, meditate and get a good night's sleep if you can/ Traveling with a toddler is not easy. You'll want to be refreshed and ready to take it on so you are not stressed.
I said I was going to write a book called 1000 times because that is how many times it feels that we need to say something as parents before our child gets it.
In Episode 144 - we talked about 11 ways to improve your listening skills. But this is for us as adults. what about getting our kids to listen to us? It is a big problem. Like so many parenting issues, the problem might not be so much the child's fault as it is our fault for not doing the right things.
Usually listening means we want them to do something they are supposed to do anyway. We resort to repeating oursevles, nagging, or even ignoring it.
If we are to do the opposite it means we don't repeat ourselves, we take action quickly, and we allow natural consequences to happen.
This starts when they are toddlers and doesn't happen overnight. Ifn fact for many it is a really long, drawn out process of pain.
Once they get into teen years, you hope you have trained them to take care of themselves.
Either way, here are some ways to improve their listening:
1) Monkey see monkey do - check yourself and make sure you are listening to your kids when they ask you something
2) Use less words - In fact use one word if you can. "upstairs" "eat" . We often confuse our kids with too many words and have too many commands.
3) Create a routine - Make a morning and evening schedule. This does help but begins to crumble quickly if you don't refer and stick to the schedule or are the cause of the schedule to not be followed.
4) Ask questions - What do we do next? What do we do after we take a bath?
5) Positive re-inforcement - When they do it right, make a big deal about it!! You were so helpful getting into the car on time this morning. It is really appreciated.
6) Be Direct - Don't say "Maybe you should clean up your room" or "I think it would be a good idea if you put your dishes away" and instead say "Please clean your room" and "Your dishes need to be put away after dinner" Of course it would be better to ask questions here but if you don't, be direct.
7) Make sure you have their attention - If they are in the middle of a video game, they are not going to hear you. Usually eye contact is also going to indicate at least you have some attention. Yelling upstairs or down the hall can also be a little difficult to get their full attention. If it's important, go to them and say it directly.
8) Natural consequences - Let the consequences happen if they don't listen. For example, if they are consistently late for school, if you have other children (and a spouse who will be home) then let them know the car is leaving at whatever time with our without them. And do it. If they are the only one going to school, then you indicate the leaving time and say if they are not ready, you are not taking them and stay home.
We just want our kids to be compliant. I know I personally struggle with my kids listening but it really can come down to not approaching the situation correctly. These are all activities that we need to consider doing to get our kids listening to us.
Self-esteem is a popular word that is used in self-improvement. People strive to have self-esteem (feeling good about yourself). Having confidence in our own abilities or worth. The key is that we evaluate our worth. This is not a great concept to help people.
Self-acceptance on the other hand allows you to be aware of both strengths and weaknesses. But allows you to accept all of them. It allowing your to not have to wish you were different than you actually are.
So how can we increase our self-acceptance:
1) Practice gratitude - This forces you to focus on the positive things in your life. Be grateful for what you have. you then begin to ignore the negative.
2) Celebrate your strengths - Think about the things you are good at and focus on them. Do not spend time on the things you are not good at.
3) Help others - Being unselfish can help you feel good. When we help others, there is actually chemical reactions that happens in the body. We can also feel better about ourselves when we help other people. Sometimes it just feels good to help others.
4) Don't Take Things Personally - It's not all about you. When people are critical, they are the one with the issue. When someone is mean, they are the one with the anger problem. It's not your issue.
5) Lower Your Expectations - Are your expectations too high? The answer is yes if you are not accepting yourself. It's ok to have goals but when your expectations are too high, you will never meet them. If you require yourself to meet your own expectations in order to be happy, it's a losing proposition.
6) Surround yourself with positive people - You should take inventory of those around you. If the people around you are not supportive or are negative, consider not being around them or reduce how much time you do spend with them.
I wanted to discuss the topic of love. Specifically the differences of unconditional love versus conditional love and how important it is for our kids.
Unconditional love means you love someone regardless of what they do. This can mean what they do for you, how they act, etc
Conditional love typically means we require someone to be a certain way or do certain things in order for us to love them.
However there are still circumstances I recall (and I'm sure tons of kids do) where you feel like you need to make a specific choice or your parents will get mad, or even worse, you feel like they won't love you.
I recall the conversation many many times in which my parents made the statement, "we will love you regardless of anything". This may have applied to a situation in which I was in trouble, not wanting to tell the truth , or just something had happened.
Children need to feel that your love is unconditional!
Often time we mix up love with approval:
Here are some things to never (or very rarely do):
1) Withhold affection because they didn't do something right
2) Let their accomplishments effect your mood. When they win you are happy and when they lose you are sad/mad.
3) Expect them to be a way they are not. For example if your child is not good at sports and you are getting really frustrated and upset that they are not good at it, that's conditional love.
Here are a few ways to do it:
Say it clearly and repeatedly - let them know that no matter what, you will love them. If they fail a test, it has nothing to do with your love. If they lose a game in sports, it doesn't effect your love. Even when they lie, it doesn't effect how you love them.
Focus on the positive - If your child is bossy, you can say "You really like to take charge of the situation. This is going to help you be a good leader." You will then need to teach them about cooperation and working with others.
Listen & Notice them - Be sure to let them see and feel that you are listening. Be empathetic. Also regularly point out things about them that you love: inside and out.
Accept their Faults & Mistakes - In the last episode we talked about what to do when they make a mistake. This is crucial. You are not punishing them, you are trying to teach them how to do things correctly and take care of themselves. Be sure to forgive them when they do make mistakes. They need to know your love is not conditioned based on them behaving correctly.
Our job as parents is to teach. I have talked about looking at yourself as a coach in your child's life. How we react and respond to them begins to shape their behavior. It will also shape the relationship we build with them.
Let's start with a discussion about how we typically react to something unpleasant when dealing with adults.
Alan, as an example. I don't know whether you share a checking account or not, but if you did and your girlfriend spend what you both would consider a lot of money on an outfit...what would your reaction be?
I can tell you what mine used to be: "YOUR KIDDING! HOW COULD YOU SPEND THAT MUCH. WE CAN'T AFFORD IT."
or another example: Your wife says: "I was at the store and this guy asked me out."
I would have probably responded with "you told him you were married, right? What were you doing that he thought it was ok to do that?"
If you don't want to know these things, then certainly you can say that. But if you wanted to keep communication lines with your wife open and you don't want lies or things being done behind your back, how you react is important.
This is how children learn to lie. They quickly figure out that if they tell the truth, they get in trouble. So they think they are avoiding getting in trouble by lying.
So let's go over a few situations that could happen with kids and how I would suggest to react to it.
1) Lying - Whether you catch your child in the lie or they come clean, both of them offer the opportunity to teach. In our house for example we have always said: "If you tell the truth, you won't get in trouble," Although my children quickly learned in our house we really don't do punishment (as we also don't do rewards).
If your child comes clean from a lie, the best way to respond is to say "Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate it. How do you think you could have handled that differently?
If there is a natural consequence from the lie, then ok. But there really isn't a good reason to punish them. They will only learn to be better liers. It's not going to keep them from lying next time.
2) Bad Grades - Another common scenario is a child coming home with grades that you are not happy with. The normal response is they either get grounded for bad grades or parents try to reward their kids for good grades. I am against this.
The grades are for them not you. If your child is not doing well in school, (talking about younger children), they either have learning challenges or they need to be parented differently. You may need to spend more time with them, talk to their teacher, and figure out what is going on.
As they get older, the theme that "it is for them" needs to be re-inforced. Offer help instead of punishment.
3) Got in trouble at school. Sometimes you have to let natural consequences happen. They get detention or some other punishment from school. But punishing them at home as well isn't going to help. You want to first understand why it's happening and then provide support on how it can be fixed or avoided the next time.
4) Drinking or smoking. Here is a scenario: your 16 or 17 year old child comes to you and says, "Dad I was at a party last night and I tried alcohol". Most dads fly off the handle and explain how this doesn't happen in their house and how they are underaged, etc. Usually followed by some yelling.
The best way to handle this is to first say, "I really appreciate you coming to me and trusting me". Then it's an honest discussion about first them knowing you don't agree with it or approve it, but they make their own decisions."
Something to the effect of, "my job as a parent is to help you learn how to make decisions for yourself. You are going to be faced with some really difficult challenges. People are going to be offering you drinks, drugs, and other things. You then have to make the decision for yourself and your health. If you are ever in a scenario you want to get out of, feel unsafe,
We have so many areas of our life when being judgmental can show up. It happens inside families, at work, with your friends, or even strangers on the street. For many, the opportunity to judge is abundant.
But why do we do it and how do we know if we are judgmental?
There are some good things related to the why. It may help keep us safe, avoid bad situations.
Others say we usually judge others in the areas we feel the weakest. Think about it:
"Look at that overweight person" - translation is that I don't feel great about my own appearance but it makes me feel better to make fun of someone else who looks worse than me"
"Look at that snob in his fancy car" - translation - I am upset I can't afford that nice of a car"
"That guy can't control his kids" - Translation - I'm not confident in my own parenting but it makes me feel better to see someone struggling more than me"
How do we know if we are judgmental? If you have to ask, you probably are. Are you judgmental? See if any of these seem familiar
1) You are intolerant of people different from yourself 2) Your first impression is seeing someone's flaws 3) You judge people on appearance 4) You think everyone is out to get you 5) You do not trust others 6) You gossip about others 7) You have low self-acceptance 8) You judge yourself 9) You have a pessimistic or negative outlook
Let's discuss how not to be judgmental:
1) Identify and admit you are judgmental. Recognize that you often think negatively of people, maybe even verbalizing it. Also, are you being judgmental and critical of yourself. Acknowledging it is the first step.
2) Practice self-acceptance - Being judgmental starts from within. Is is very clear that we have our own issues which cause us to then be critical of other people. This is the most important step in recovering from judgmentalism. We often have such high expectations of ourselves. It is not easy, but the first thing is to begin embracing who you are. It's ok to want to get "better" but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate your current state.
The next episode we will dedicate to becoming more self-accepting
3) Look deeper - We jump to conclusions about people all the time. Someone shows up late and you judge them. Someone is mean and you judge them.
What if something much deeper is going on with them. The person who showed up late, had received a phone call and was crying before they arrived. They didn't want anyone to see their tears.
The person who was mean has someone who is mean to them all the time.
We jump to conclusions all the time without really understanding what could be going on with someone.
4) Show empathy - Putting yourself in someone else's shoes allows us to show compassion. Being judgmental is really being selfish and thinking it's all about you. When you are empathetic, you are sending the messages that you care and it's not about you.
5) Practice mindfulness - Meditation, breathing exercises, are all about paying attention to the present moment. When you feel yourself about to judge, take in the surroundings. Focus on other things around you that are positive. Switch your focus and think good thoughts instead.
We are all guilty of being judgmental. It is something that can be worked on to be improved. Of course remember, that it first starts with working on yourself.
As kids develop their emotions develop as well. You may experience this yourself as a parent or have seen other kids......hitting their parents, being disrespectful.
I recall as a kid getting really angry a lot. I don't remember why other than it was something to use in order to get people to leave me alone....either my sisters to stop teasing me and something else.
I think it's important to help kids deal with anger. Given the tools when they are young can hopefully help them as they get older and avoid problems in their later years.
First we need to identify anger issues in kids: - Trouble calming down - Isn't considerate of other people's feelings - Consistently needs reminders about controlling temper - Being aggressive towards others
So what are some ways we can help our kids manage their anger:
1) Monkey See, Monkey do - Take some inventory of yourself. Do you yell too much, get angry more than you need to. are you providing a good example on how to deal with anger? You can't rightfully teach it if you are not practicing it yourself.
2) Talk about feelings - Emotional intelligence and learning about what the different emotions are is crucial. Teach your child all about the different emotions. I want to be very clear. It is totally acceptable to feel emotion, in fact it is encouraged. We want our kids to feel emotions. We just want them to be able to manage them.
3) Teach Coping Skills - Twist a towel - Use a punching bag or pillow - Create a control spot - Self-talk - Use breathing techniques
4) Establish anger rules - Do this when they are not angry...no slamming doors, no physically touching someone else, no throwing things, etc.
5) Minimize talking - They aren't going to be taking in information very well when they are angry. Use few if any words. If you do speak, be very calm and neutral. When we yell back it doesn't help the situation.
6) Use empathy - Say words such as "You are really mad, I understand". "I know you are really upset. I love you.
7) Makeup - They need to apologize to whoever they got angry towards. If their behavior is bad, they need to know their behavior may have been bad but they are not a bad person. We just need to learn to manage the anger better.
8) Get Professional help - If things don't seem to be getting better, seek a professional. There could be other things going on that you are either not aware of or could be some of the cause of it. I know we never want to believe we are causing something negative like that but it can happen.
The problem is that most of that advice doesn't really help you deal with the serious stuff you face as a new dad.
I am going over 6 very valuable lessons that I learned as a new dad. I'm hoping these help you along your journey.
1. It's not all about me - So reality kicks in and you are forced to realize that another human being is dependent on you.....and if you are in relationship, that dependency gets compounded.
The decisions and choices you make, now effect other people. I learned it can actually be enjoyable to focus on helping other people.
2. Enjoy the present - I remember thinking: I can't wait until she can talk or it will be so much fun when he and I can play catch. Sure it's ok to think about the future, but try to live in the moment as it relates to your child.
You don't realize how fast it goes by until you live through it and have the chance to look back.
Don't miss the opportunities to be present.
3. Focus on the positive - You are going to be faced with some seriously rough times. These may be difficult times with the child, your spouse, or even within yourself.
Think about the things your child is doing well. Think about the elements of your relationship that work. and think about the elements within yourself that are positive. Here's a hint: express gratitude whenever you can.
4. Nothing is forever - As I just mentioned, you are going to be faced with difficult times. The good news: they don't last forever. This too shall pass.
Remembering this can help get you through difficult times. It can also help you be more present, as the positive things don't last forever either.
5. They watch every thing you do - If you want them to be nice, YOU better be nice.
From the great things you do, all the way down to the bad habits you have, the little one is watching.
If you need a reason to keep yourself in check, having a child can do it. Monkey see, monkey do.
6. Empathy solves many problems - If you have watched some of my other videos, you've probably heard me talk about empathy before.
Learn to put yourself in their shoes. Truly look at the world from a 3 year old's perspective.
Heck, you may even open up to look at things from your wife's perspective.
Having empathy is life changing....both for you and those around you.
I wanted to talk about a technique my mother used to use on so many things. It was a really simple way she would measure things. It could be how bad a cut hurt when I fell off my bike, to judging the taste of a meal at a restaurant.
I'm talking about using the Scale of 1 to 10. What you assign the numbers depends on the context but it became a common way in our family to measure things. It help teach kids measurement and analysis. Here are a few examples:
Your 7 year old gets hit in the back by a ball and starts crying. You can say, from a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being doesn't hurt at all and 10 you have to go to the hospital immediately, how bad does it hurt. It then forces them to evaluate the seriousness of a situation.
Here is another example in your own life:
You got invited to an office party that your not sure you want to go to. You can assign a number to it. 1 is a horrible, boring party and 10 is the best time of your life. You can have a measurement for yourself that says when things are under 5, I will choose not to go, unless there is a really good reason.
But it does help you evaluate situations and assign value to them.
This works in business all the time. You see customer surveys or evaluations that include scales like this. Why not include it in our own lives.
Alan, have you ever used a scale like this in your own life?
Of course people have used the scale for evaluating how someone looks. The truth is you can apply this to so many things in your children's life. You can teach them how to evaluate things. Here are some examples:
From a scale of 1 to 10:
How much do you like soccer? 1 you hate it and 10 you love it.
We have a few different choices of what to do on Saturday. How badly do you want to go to the park? 1 you don't want to versus 10 you can't live without going to the park. Then follow up with evaluating the alternative
When they get hurt, it's a great tool. From a scale of 1 to 10, how bad does your finger hurt?
You get the idea. Teach your kids the 1 to 10 scale it really helps measure the things around you. Thanks mom.
There is a very popular book called "The 5 Love Languages" The author is Dr. Gary Chapman.
The major concept is that there are 5 different love languages and we all have preferences on how we prefer to receive love (and also give love could be different).
So let's go over what the 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation - Use words to affirm other people. In it's simplicity, your spouse saying "I love you" or when you they tell you how wonderful you are, that really resonates with you. For others, it may not mean much. For example, with me, words don't mean much. I have to quote "see it to believe it".
Acts of Service - People of this language love when someone does something for them. This one is really big with my wife. She often makes an omelette and I saw the ingredients out but she was upstairs with the kids. I went ahead and made the omelette for her. I then went upstairs and she said "Oh I need to make my omelette" She walked downstairs and was so surprised. She expressed so much gratitude for me doing that.
Receiving Gifts - There are people who really like presents. They love being showered with gifts and when you give them a gift, they attach a lot of meaning behind it. My wife for example, isn't really into gifts. So me buying her gifts is not as powerful as acts of service.
Quality Time - For these people, spending time with others is crucial. But the time needs to be good as well. For example, if someone is on their phone while you are talking with them or they are not paying attention to you, this will not work. This is definitely one of my love languages.
Physical Touch - Hugs, kisses, and affection are important in this love langauge. You feel loved by physical touch.
We all have a primary love language and often we may have more than one. For example I have two which are pretty equal which is quality time and physical touch.
There is a free quiz on www.5lovelanguages.com You can take a quiz for yourself or for your child.
The purpose of me sharing this is to help you maximize your efficiency of effort. If you learn what your wife's love language is, then you don't have to waste effort on the stuff that doesn't matter. Put more focus on the the languages that do matter.
This goes for your kids as well. You can take the test for your kids to understand their love language. i think overall it's a really valuable tool for relationships.
As a child goes from a baby to a toddler, they begin to understand rules. Words like "NO" come into play. When they are toddlers, it's a great idea to establish family rules that everyone needs to follow. It begin to teach them boundaries.
We created a family rule rule chart and I'll put a link to it in the show notes so people can download it as an example.
Ours were: 1. Listen to each other 2. Say Please & Thank you 3. Use nice words 4. Always tell the truth 5. Love each other 6. No whining 7. Help around the house 8. Eat good stuff before bad 9. Exercise & Play 10. Be happy
You might choose to get very specific: for example: take your shoes off before coming into the house or no food is allowed outside the kitchen. It has to work for your family.
Here are some general tips for making it work:
Include everyone in the creation - Have a family meeting and discuss what the plan is. Explain the purpose of it and why it's important.
Ask your child or children what rules they think should be on the list. They will be more inclined to want to follow them if they create it. Write down any decent suggestion.
Keep them simple - If you have young kids, they need to be able to understand it
Narrow down the list - After you have received input from everyone, begin to discuss what are the most important rules. Try to keep it somewhat limited. 10 rules is a good number but you can use whatever works for your family.
Explain that the rules apply to the family, wherever we are and within our house if there are guests. So if a friend is over, they need to follow the rules too
Try to keep it positive - Instead of saying "no yelling" maybe consider "use nice words to everyone" - Instead of saying "no hitting or kicking", you could say "keep hands and feet to ourselves" - Instead of saying "no lying", say "always tell the truth"
Print it and display it - Laminating is even better. Put it in multiple places if needed
Refer to the list often - If rules are being broken, refer to the list. Maybe review it on a regular basis with your child to make sure they are understanding them.
Review the list regularly - make sure it is something you still want to have as a rule. Or maybe you need to focus on some other things
If you are interested in the sample you can download our Family Rules chart.
We focus so much of our attention on improving what we are not very good at. It seems that it would be much more fruitful for us to focus on what we are good at. Put all of our effort on the areas where we are talented.
So how do you figure this out with your children? Or help them figure it out. Well it turns out there are some ways that you can identify their talents and help with nurturing those talents.
Whether your child is an amazing musician, exceptional athlete, tremendously smart, or they have specific parts of their personality that really shine, there are some things you can do:
1) Keep your dreams out of it - Just because you were a star football player, doesn't mean your child is going to have the same talent. Also, it seems pretty clear that if someone
2) Watch and learn - Are you sending them to piano lessons every week and they simply are not getting it. Maybe it's not their thing. You may continually see your daughter drawing pictures. She loves drawing and the pictures are pretty good. Maybe art lessons would be more appropriate than piano lessons. Again, focus on what they are showing both interest and progress.
3) Let them try numerous things - No need to keep them in baseball in they don't like it. Allow them to try different hobbies, sports, creative outlets, or different interests. Instead of thinking that they "can't stick to one thing" think of it as an exploration of finding their talent. or the reality is they may not have talents in those kind of areas. Maybe they are really good in school or really care about animals. Those types of things can be nurtured too.
4) Manage Your Expectations - Even if you kept your dreams out, you still may have expectations on how they should perform or what they "should" be good at. Try to keep those expectations in check and just let them be. Love the child you have instead of the one you want. Be sure not to compare them to others either.
5) Offer Education - This means if your child has an area that they excel in or a talent, possibly provide them learning opportunities either through books, classes, or some other means. In the art example, there may be art classes which offer the child the ability to learn proper techniques. If your child seems to be really good at a sport, maybe getting them some books about the history of the sport or techniques to improve their skills.
and finally:
6) Provide Encouragement - While we often want to praise the child for their accomplishments, we really don't need to praise them in that way. Instead of saying "I'm so proud of you" be sure to say "You should really be proud of yourself." We want the encouragement and praise to come from within themselves, not from us. We don't want them to look for us for affirmation.
This past weekend on Sunday, I accomplished a personal challenge that I had set a few months ago. This was both a mental and physical accomplishment. I had a lot of anxiety building up to the days before this event.
The event was called the "Day of Madness". Months ago a friend/neighbor of mine came to me and said "hey, I'm organizing the Day of Madness and I think it would be fun if you did it. We are going to do a bunch of physical things in one day.
It started out with quite a few people but between schedules, flight delays, and other just simply backing out, there were 4 of us left.
It originated that he wanted to go surfing and snow skiing in the same day. We live just a few miles from the beach, and about 2.5 hours from the snow. I said, sure it sounds like fun.
The plan developed further to include running and golf. So here was the end result:
We headed to the beach at around 5:30am. We surfed for about 45 minutes, changed and then ran the Encinitas half marathon. After the marathon, we got cryotherapy at Chiltonic (a great place here locally) and then went golfing. We golfed for 18 holes at a local course and then hopped on a bus waiting for us and drove 2 1/2 hours to go night skiing.
Why am I sharing this? I really had self doubt about being able to do this. I was really pushing myself outside of my comfort zone.
Honestly I had never run more than a mile or two before a few weeks ago when i started training. I don't even like to run. I wasn't sure my body would hold up to it. Let alone running after a surfing session. While I surfed as a kid, i maybe surfed a few times in the last 10 years.
My friend seemed very confident that I would be fine even though I didn't have the same confidence.
I had tremendous anxiety leading up to the day. Not only with organization of what I was going to need but fear I was going to get hurt or that some part of my body wouldn't make it through.
I can tell you that the day of the event was surreal. Right before starting the run i was feeling physically stronger than I can ever remember. I was listening to music in one ear, and the adrenaline in my body (along with the caffeine I had consumed) sent me into an incredible state. Sure I was nervous, but I felt like I could conquer the world. I had not felt that kind of "high" in a while.
It reminded me doing sports and pumping yourself up before a big game. You simply rise to the occasion
Well except for realizing muscles I didn't know I have, I felt really good about what i had accomplished. I was proud of myself and my friends for taking this challenge on and finishing.
What i wanted to convey in this podcast is that pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zone can be extremely rewarding. We often doubt ourselves. We don't think we are strong enough, smart enough, or however we are judging ourselves. I was guilty of it too.
But if you can push through, there is a great reward on the other side. The feeling of accomplishment, the experience of something new, or even the self confidence.
This can be a physical challenge like i did, something in your personal life, business life, or anything of which an obstacle may be holding you back or fear is keeping you from growing.
The day of madness may have been a crazy thing, but it really did impact what i thought I was capable of. I was very much out of my comfort zone and I love the result. I'm not too interested in running again anytime soon, but give me a year, I'll surely consider it again.
Having a baby can be pretty scary. What's even more scary is thinking about how much a new baby is going to cost.
The average American family spends over $12,000 on child related expenses before the baby's first birthday.
According to the Department of Agriculture, a child costs on average $233,000 by the time they are 17.
That doesn't include the cost if they go to college or decide to live with you until they are 34 years old.
I'm not a financial planner or certified to give financial advice, but I can tell you some thing that helped our family when we had our first child and some things financially I wish I would have done better.
1 - Save money before the baby is born - This was one of the things I wish I had done better. While I did get rid of the expensive bachelor toys, I didn't consciously put money aside for our first child.
This is a good idea to reduce some of the financial stress and burden that can happen once the baby arrives.
2 - Nurse instead of formula - While you may not have much say in this one, nursing is pretty much free.
It does cost time for mom but formula is expensive. And those little ones down that stuff like crazy.
3 - Make your own baby food - This was something my wife was really good with.
Use a blender and puree all kinds of foods that your baby can eat. In addition to being healthy, this can save you a lot of money.
You can make tons of food in ice cube trays, freeze it, and then use them as needed.
4 - Get hand me down clothes and toys - Before i had a child, I recalled thinking I wouldn't want my child wearing used clothes or playing with some other kid's toys.
Boy did that change once the child was born and you see how fast they go through clothes. Toys either get wasted because of boredom or there is simply too many.
Let family, friends, and neighbors know you welcome any clothes or toys they may be done with.
5 - Buy used - If you don't get a lot of hand me downs, consider buying used clothes or toys at consignment stores, craigslist, or a handful of apps that now make it really easy to buy/sell things.
Maybe there are some special things that you decide are worth buying new, but realistically there is so much money wasted in the early years.
6 - Go to your local library - Reading with your child is really important.
But why spend tons of money on new books all the time. Your local library is an awesome place to get free books. Use it as a resource.
7 - Eat at home - We can talk about the health benefits of eating at home, but for this podcast we are talking about saving money.
Whether you eat out for lunch during the workday or your family goes out to dinner, consider eating at home.
While this may be difficult for some people, you will save a lot of money by making your own meals.
8 - Buy in bulk - Whether you are making your own food at home, or you are purchasing things for the baby, bulk is the way to go.
Don't buy the small pack of diapers or the single pack of anything. Learn to buy in bulk and save a lot.
9 - and finally a bonus tip to tell your friends and family - Contribute to the child's savings account instead of giving them presents
While grandma may feel the need to buy her grandson his 11th stuffed animal, recommend that friends and family can put money is the child's savings account instead.
There is a tendency to have too much stuff. The truth is that children don't need 5 of the same action figures in different sizes or every princess dress ever created. We can begin to practice minimalism early on.
The savings account is a much better investment for the child.
Well, that's all we have for today. We would love to hear from you.
What are some ways you have found to save money as a new parent?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, empathy is the single most important parenting technique I have learned. It has saved me in so many situations from getting upset. It has also helped me connect with my children on a much greater level.
I would venture to say it has also been one of the most important things in positively impacting my marriage.
Let's start from the top and first explain what empathy is. Empathy is defined in the dictionary as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. We may often say it's "putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
I want to break it down even further and create two new words. I am coining these:
1 - surface empathy - This is relating to someone and showing them that you understand what they are saying. Maybe it could also be said that you are able to see something from their perspective.
2 - deep empathy - To me, this is really feeling the emotion or feelings that someone else has in order to relate to them.
I'll give you an example of each.
Surface empathy - I think this often happens in situations with our children. When my daughter was 5 years old and couldn't find her shoes before school, I understood it was a big deal for her. Did i really feel the emotion? No, but i understood hers.
Deep Empathy - I recently heard that a friend's parent passed away. Now this was like a hit in my gut. I actually had really strong emotion as i have been through that situation and recalled how painful it is. I was showing deep empathy.
Both of these are really important to be able to do. They can really impact the relationships you have around you.
So how does empathy help your marriage? Here are a few ways:
1) You realize it's not always about you. Suppose your spouse gets really mad at you and the level of emotion really wasn't warranted. In my past, I would have probably yelled back and gotten pretty upset.
With empathy in my toolbox, I try to understand if there was something else that happened before our interaction. Something else is bothering her. Maybe she got in an argument with someone else earlier? Maybe she was frustrated with the kids? I have a tendency to now not take things so personally, especially when i know it wasn't really something that was my fault. You realize it's not always about you.
2) As a result of #1, you argue less - You simply have a different understanding of why many arguments take place. When you use words such as "I can totally understand why you feel that way" or "I can see why that would bother you" can really diffuse a lot of situations that would normally turn into an argument.
3) Your spouse doesn't want a solution, they just want you to listen. When you are empathetic, you are listening, you are not providing advice or solving any problems. You can even repeat back what they are saying so they know you are listening.
4) You don't have to agree to provide empathy - We may intellectually disagree with their perspective, but it doesn't mean that we can't try to be empathetic emotionally. You are putting yourself in their shoes.
5) It provides connection - You will be amazed at the connection it can form. when someone feels that you are understanding them, they are more inclined to be open, share, and feel connected.
Guys, if there is one thing you learn by listening to these podcasts, it's to be empathetic. I have also seen that being empathetic has helped my business. When I am talking to prospective clients and I really am empathetic toward their situations, they seem more inclined to want to do business with me.
So go out there an empathize!!
Today we are talking about expectations for first time dads. What should you expect when the baby is born.
Here is my overall advice:
Expectations are only good to have for the negative stuff. For the good stuff, you don't want to have expectations. This is the topic we are going to discuss today.
Let's tart with the obvious things that everyone tells you are going to happen when the child arrives:
1) You will get less sleep 2) You will get less attention from your wife 3) You will probably get more attention from your family (or your spouses damily) because everyone wants to see the baby 4) It will take you so much longer to get places than it did before 5) You will schedule everything around the baby's sleep and eating patterns. Want to go to a birthday party at 1pm? Sorry, that's the baby's nap time 6) You will have less personal time to do the things you want to do (golf 7) You will have increased expenses. Babies are not cheap. 8) There is a lot of noise - a baby crying is not pleasant 9) You will talk a lot about throw up and going to the bathroom 10) You will worry about whether you are good enough to be a father
So these are great and all, but you don't have to fall into a negative trap. These don't all necessarily have to come true but if you expect that they could, then you will be more prepared. But be sure not to stress over the fact that these are "going" to happen.
As I said in the beginning, it's ok to have expectations on negative things, but for the positive ones, you don't want to setup expectations. This is where disappointment can happen. Here are a few areas that new dads may set expectations on and they can fall short:
1) When the baby is born, I am going to feel so connected to the baby - often we don't bond in the beginning. The baby doesn't give you much feedback. It's not as rewarding sometimes 2) The baby will sleep through the night - Um, good luck with that 3) The baby will be happy all of the time 4) That the baby will make you happy - nope' 5) That the baby will make your relationship better
We need to be careful of the positive expectations we put in place. If they don't happen, we don't want to be disappointed.
Well, first I wanted to introduce our sponsor for today's podcast: SmartyPants Vitamins
They are Non-GMO & Gluten-Free and filled with great vitamins and minerals like Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, and much more. You can buy them from Target, WholeFoods, Walgreens or on Amazon.
Ok, on to today's topic. I did a YouTube video on this topic last week. We often think we are feeding our kids healthy foods and drinks but the reality is that we are not.Of course there are different schools of thought about nutrition, but there are elements that doctors and nutritionists will agree on. For example, not one person thinks that regular white table sugar is good for you. It may taste great and our body craves it, but it's not good for your long term health.
The Harvard School of Public Health says the average person consumes 22 teaspoons of sugar per day. According to the American Heart Association, children ages 2 to 18 should eat or drink less than six teaspoons of added sugars daily. Six teaspoons of added sugars is equivalent to about 100 calories or 25 grams. That is crazy.
So I put together 5 things your children should be having to be healthy and grow.
1 - Water - Stop feeding them juice. I don't care if it's apple, orange, grape, or whatever. It is full of sugar and children don't need it. Give them water.
You can hear the parents now: but Timmy won't drink water. Stop giving him juice and he will get thirsty. He'll drink water.It tastes really good because there is a ton of sugar in it. Give them water.
2 - Protein - Protein build cells. It helps muscle growth, their immune system, repair tissue, and more.Some protein you can make sure your kids are eating are: eggs, cheese, peanut butter, meat, fish, chicken, etc.
Also, try to have at least a little protein with most meals.
3: a MultiVitamin - and this brings us to today's sponsor: SmartyPants Vitamins
They are gummies that taste really good and provide kids
Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin D as D3 for immune health, Vitamin B12 as methylcobalamin (methal-co-ball-a-meen) for mental focus and energy balance
and Folate as methylfolate to support proper DNA replication.
They have products for everyone in the family but for this podcast, we are speaking about the Kids Complete MultivitaminA multivitamin is a really easy way to make sure your kids are getting the nutrients they need.
4) Fruit - Fruit is a great source of fiber, healthy energy and a good substitute for bad sugars.
It contains a lot of vitamins and minerals that support child development. Most kids like fruit because it does taste great.
One tip I have is to make fruit your child's dessert. Instead of ice cream, cookies, or other bad sugars, offer fruit as the after meal delight.
As we get older, eating fruit is often a good way to curb sugar cravings.
and finally #5 - Good old Vegetables - We all know vegetables are good for you. Like fruits, they contain a lot of vitamins and minerals.But how do you get your child to eat them when they cringe at the site of anything green. One technique is to simply hide them.There are tons of recipes online where you can hide vegetables in everything from pancakes, to burgers, to pasta, there are a lot of ways.
Of course you just have to make the effort to make the food instead of going out to eat all of the time.
That's all we have for today. I want to again thank SmartyPants vitamins for supporting Dudes to Dads and Dad University
We want to hear from you. Do you have any child nutrition questions? Have you found some great nutritious products for your kids? We would love to hear about them.
Last week we discussed establishing a night time routine. Well, the second biggest battle in the house is the morning routine. The need for a morning routine really comes into play when your child starts kindergarten.
The night time routine can be difficult because you are tired. However I think the morning routine can be much more stressful because you have somewhere you and/or your child need to be.
You need to get your child out of the house at a certain time. The process is pretty similar to the night time routine plan.
Step #1 - Take inventory - Write down all of the things you need your child to do before you leave - eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, prepare backpack, etc.
Step #2 - Establish the time you have to leave the house - Be realistic, do you need to allocate time for traffic, mistakes, etc. It adds extra stress if you leave it down to the wire.
Step #3 - Work backwards with realistic time slots. For example, if you need to leave at 7:30am, they need to have their backback ready at 7:25 and finish brushing their teeth and hair by 7:20.
Step #4 -Establish Wake Up Time - This is a crucial step as the wake up time then becomes the foundation for the schedule. If your kids are going to bed early and they like doing something fun before school, then you need to incorporate that into the schedule.
Step #5 - Print out multiple copies and laminate them - I put copies of the both the night time and morning schedules in each of my children's rooms as well as in our kitchen. We laminated them so the children could mark off boxes with dry erase marker each time they finished the task.
Here are some tips that are important for morning routine success. Some of these are similar to the night time routine:
Some tips: - Have your children take part in creating the schedule. Allow them to help establish the times. - You need to be on the same page with your spouse - it won't work if one wants routine and other doesn't. - You will need to give warnings on time but may want to try asking questions instead of telling them. "What comes after putting eating breakfast?" - Be consistent - kids thrive on routine and consistency - Why do you think you watch the same movie 500 times or read the same bedtime story 1000 times.
I have personally recognized that me pushing them consistently about the time in the morning has not helped. It's only caused more stress for me. I have recently made the effort to be silent about the schedule and they have been pretty good with it.
I know of a story that the child was a little older (I believe middle school) and was consistently late for school. So the mother (who was driving her and her younger sister to school the next day) talked it over with her husband who was going to be home for a bit) that if their child was not ready on time, they were going to drive the car off without her.
She wasn't ready and the mom drove away. The teen went nuts and pleaded with the dad to take her but he insisted, "sorry, I can't, I have some other things i need to take care of". He made her sweat it out for an hour or two and eventually took her to school.
She was never late for the car again.
People have been in world wars, some of been stuck in mine shafts for days on end without food, There are those that have been tortured by enemies.....none of these, I repeat none of these are as difficult as dealing with night time with a toddler.
So today's topic is Establishing a Night Time Routine
While we could have multiple episodes just about getting a baby, toddler, or child to sleep through the nite. That's a subject on it's own. We are specifically talking about the 2 hours or so of time before your child is going to sleep.
Establishing a routine is good from the time the baby is born. However what we are covering here is the age when your child is old enough to begin doing things on their own. Side note here: your child is ready to do things on their own much before you probably recognize.
Night time is a battle zone in houses across the world. So the hope here is to offer some advice to make night time a little easier for both you and your child.
The best piece of advice is to create a schedule. This helped "reduce" the battles in my house. Notice I said reduce not eliminate.
Step #1 - Take inventory - Write down all of the things you need your child to do before their head hits the pillow - Bath, brush teeth, put on pajamas, read a story, etc. Put them in chronological order.
Step #2 - Establish the bedtime you want them to have. If you are unsure, the earlier, the better. My kids had 7:30pm for a long time. I know people who's young kids don't go to bed until 10:00 or 11:00 o'clock. If that works for you that's fine. But it is recommended that kids go to sleep early and get plenty of sleep....especially when they start school.
Step #3 - Work backwards with realistic time slots. For example, if you wanted a bedtime of 8:00, they probably have to be the bed to read by 7:30. Then before that they need to brush their teeth and hair at 7:20.
Step #4 - Dinner time gets established - This is a crucial step as dinner time then becomes the crucial foundation for the schedule. If dinner is off, the entire schedule may get thrown off.
Step #5 - Print out multiple copies and laminate them - I put copies of the schedule in each of my children's rooms as well as in our kitchen. When we first started, because we had them laminated, we had check boxes next to each item and allowed the kids to mark them off. When they are little, they like this.
While the schedule is the best way to establish their routine, there are some tips that are crucial to it's success:
Some tips: - Night time can be hard because you are tired and want to do your own things. - Have your children take part in creating the schedule. allow them to help establish the times. - Must be on same page with spouse - it won't work if one wants routine and other doesn't. - Consider a little more flexible routine on weekend but not too flexible. Maybe they get another hour. - "Winding down" is really important. Reading is a good way to do this. Playing games and using electronics is not recommended before bed. They are stimulating and won't help the process. - You will need to give warnings on time but may want to try asking questions instead of telling them. "What comes after putting pajamas on?" - Be consistent - kids thrive on routine and consistency - Why do you think you watch the same movie 500 times or read the same bedtime story 1000 times.
Here is the link to Jason's night time schedule he created: night schedule
In celebration of our 150th episode we are looking back to celebrate ourselves.
In fact we are giving ourselves awards. I have come up with a few categories and have selected the winners myself. I can do that since I don't have a staff of people or a writer's guild or a bunch of judges.
Our first award is:
1) Most Popular Episode - the winner is Episode 49 - which was "39 Life Hacks for Dads"
2) Most Controversial Podcast - the winner is Episode 105 - Does Punishing Your Kids Work? There are people that still believe that spanking your child works.
3) Most Important Episode - Fighting Depression with Gratitude - episode 91
4) Biggest Rant Episode - Episode 149 - Phone Addiction - Parents Need To Put Their Phone Down
5) Most Impactful Episode for Alan - Episode 8 - Interview With a Dad – Tantrums, Delivery Room Horror
6) Most Impactful Episode for Jason - Episode 102 - Everyone is Responsible For My Happiness & Everyone Else Causes My Pain
7) Most Enjoyable Episode for Alan - Episode 148 - The Best 80s TV shows for Parenting
8) Most Enjoyable Episode for Jason - 100 - Interview with my Dad
This episode is basically a rant about being on your phone: #putyourphonedown
If you are on your phone, you can't be fully present.
Jason provides a few examples of the situation he witnessed in which people were on their phone, not paying attention to the people in their presence.
There are some classic TV shows that provide parents insight and examples that we all have to deal with. While I watched these shows as a kid, seeing them as an adult has provided a new level of respect for the knowledge they share and the family values that are displayed. Here is my list:
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Family Ties - Parents of 2 girls and one boy, they are hippies (or very liberal) and have political views on the complete opposite side of their son Alex. While there are many differences, they allow their kids to find their own way. They are great coaches and mentors for their kids.
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Cosby Show - While the real-life Bill Cosby has had some major legal and moral issues, the TV show dad and his wife were raising 5 kids with all kinds tests for parents: cheating in school, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, etc. The parents had deep discussions with their kids and would also be considered strict.
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Different Strokes - The dynamics of an old white rich guy who adopts two young black kids is just exceptional. Mr. D as he is called, often finds himself in dilemmas. He talks often talks through the situations with love and kindness. is full of wisdom and teachings
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Webster - Websters parents died and he went to live with his dad's friend George. Like many, George really didn't know much about parenting but really loved the boy. You watch him struggle with various topics and ultimately have a very strong bond with the child. Dealt with topics like bullying
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Growing Pains - The dad, Dr. Seaver is a psychiatrist and works from home so he has a lot of interactions with his kids daily. They had 3 kids with very distinctive personalities, always getting into mischief, squabbling, and solving problems.
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Full House - This one is good from the dad perspective as there are 3 men in the house trying to look over the kids. There was a lot of good advice. They were always "talking it out." Each kid was always having some major issue that had to be solved. They have brought it back to Fuller House.
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Rosanne - Middle-class family showing a strong working woman. They tackled some difficult topics. Not everything was
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Brady Bunch - My favorite has to be the Brady Bunch. The husband and wife each had 3 kids when they get married. The life lessons in the episodes are just too many to name: bullying, friendships, how they treat each other. There is a lot of advice on how to get along with other people (brothers and sisters when there are many. They all love each other even though they often get on each other's nerves.
So maybe TV isn't a bad thing. I have introduced my kids to a few of these shows and watching it with them gave me a new fondness for the advice and insight the shows brought.
In a few days it's going o be 2018. So we put together his list of new year's resolutions for dads. In the new year, these are ways we can improve our parenting and roles as fathers:
Be more affectionate towards the kids - At least a hug and kiss every day Listen more, talk less - They don't need answers on everything Read with my kids at night - Whether you read or they read doesn't matter Spend more one on one time - If you have more than one child, make an effort to do something just one on one Have more meals together as a family Reduce or eliminate yelling Listen to Dudes To Dads Podcast every week Watch Dad University videos on YouTube (or Facebook) every week) Provide more positive re-enforcement - catch them being good and say it Love the child you have not the one you want Get outside more - go hiking, camping, enjoy nature and teach them about nature. Get fresh air Practice gratitude more - It will make you happier Plan more - It is proven we are happier when we have something to look forward to. Plan more events, trips, outings, or just together time. Make the house healthier - less sugar, drink more water, healthier choices for food, exercise Get more sleep - Everyone in the house can benefit from more sleep Allow mistakes - both for you and your kids Set a great example for my kids
Setting a good example is the most important one to remember. You can't expect changes in your child unless you make changes.
I was talking to another parent that was explaining the different amounts of money their child gets depending on their grades. $20 for this, $10 for this, etc.
Have you ever been rewarded for your grades? either money or a gift?
Parents will often use reward charts to shape behavior. To me it's like a rat with cheese. What happens if there is no cheese? The rat ain't going in that direction.
This is the same problem with reward charts. Have you ever seen sticker charts and you get a star if you do this? A sticker if you do that?
You totally are removing the intrinsic value of accomplishing something. The child does not learn the true value of the accomplishment. Whether that is completing a task, reaching a goal, helping someone, or whatever. These are all things that happen inside. Reward is external.
With grade, the reward is the grade, not anything else. You got the A. That is your reward.
There has been numerous studies where children were provided money for results. There were no significant changes in performance.
Money does not buy long term success. It is a short term solution.
Here are a couple of ways we can help kids with grades:
Focus on effort not grade - Highlight the hard work rather than grade itself Limit screen time - must get work done before playing Encourage reading - find topics they enjoy Help but don't do - you are there for support but not doing work for them Let them fail - Missing homework, assignments, etc. Positive re-inforcement - Doing homework, reading
So please parents, do not pay your kids for doing well in school. Their reward is doing well in school. What about that child who simply isn't as smart as the others? For them , getting a C does take effort. Do we reward the effort? That was a trick question, we don't reward the effort.
While my wife and I would joke about keeping our kids in a large bubble, the reality is that we need to teach them resiliency to not be greatly effected by life's ups and downs.
From bullying to stress, building resiliency can help kids navigate through life just a little easier. Facing tough situations. Tragedy, trauma, or adversity.
It doesn't mean always leaving them alone to fend for themselves. Loving relationships and support are important in children building resiliency.
But there are definitely things we can do as parents to help them build that resiliency muscle.
Schools are starting to teach these skills as well. Helping kids understand how to manage stress and providing life skills that will help them.
Here are some ways to build resiliency
Let them make mistakes - Natural consequences. This can be not finishing homework to missing basketball practice.
Let them problem solve - Ask questions instead of providing answers
Don't always accommodate - Our intention is good but the end result is a child that can't sleep on their own, looks down when they talk to you, or fearful of situations.
Allow risk - Eliminating all risk keeps them from developing resiliency
Teach them emotional intelligence - being aware and understand emotions helps with coping mechanisms
Practice Mindfulnness - Meditation is a great ways to strengthen the mind. It can teach calming mechanisms and reduce stress.
Exercise - Physically resiliency. Making you strong and powerful. Watching a group of young kids playing a sports, you can easily see who is more resilient than the others.
Introduce them to new experiences - get them outside their comfort zone.
Be sure they have responsibilities at home - cleaning, washing, food, etc.
Connect with Characters - From books to movies, there are examples of people who faced with adversity and shows how they handle it.
We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. for example, a bully. While you can't control what someone else says or does, you can control your response to it. It is ultimately a choice on how we let things effect us. Resiliency gives us more options.
Today we are talking about one of the most important skills a person can have: listening. Being a good listener can help you professionally as well as personally. It can improve the relationship with your spouse and help create a good relationship with your children.
However, research suggests that we remember only 25-50 percent of what we hear. So the reality is that most people are not good listeners. As men, I can probably say in general we are not as good listeners as women.
Here are 11 tips:
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Avoid interruptions - Don't conversation hijak telling them that you understand prematurely. Allow the person to finish their thought. Slow down
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Stop Thinking about your response. focus on the other person. It's not about you.
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Ask questions - come from a place of curiosity not judgement
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Clarify their statement - it's ok to repeat what they say or to confirm what they are saying to ensure you understand
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Looks at the person directly in their eyes or at least close to them. Face them.
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Focus on one thing at a time - If the person begins to cover too many topics, feel free to make sure you understand one point before going to the next.
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Be empathetic - Do not problem solve - Say something like "That must really be difficult. or I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Try to put yourself in their shoes.
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Look at non-verbal cues - Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice.
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Be open minded - You don't have to agree or be right. When someone feels they are being listened to, it becomes really powerful.
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Repeat their words in your head - If you have trouble, try repeating the words they are saying in your mind.
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Summarize - Bring everything they are saying together to make sure you understand it
Being a good listener is something we can all work on. As a father, we really want our kids to listen to us. A great way to do this is to show them that you are really listening to them.
We all want our kids to be happy. Parents often think that by giving their child stuff or having an abundance of freedom, they are making them happy. Unfortunately this is very short lived stimuli. What we need to be doing is teaching them to be capable and to feel good about themselves for who and what they are, not what they have.
So how do we do this? Well let's identify what overindulging means. In the old days, we called this being spoiled. Of course this is purely my opinion (and I can't even speak for Alan). I'll provide you what I think is overindulging. I'm certainly not saying I'm innocent or have never done any of these things:
Unlimited screen time (hours and hours of games or television) Doing your kids responsibilities for them (cleaning, dishes, trash, etc.) Buying a 16 year old a brand new expensive car Buying too many toys Having rules but not enforcing them Allowing young children to dress much older Routinely giving money to children or teens so they can spend it/have fun Routinely buying expensive and trendy clothes for them Allowing younger children to watch mature content (language, violence, nudity) Carrying your 4 year old, tying a 6 year old's shoes, or carrying their backpack if they are in school Children eating excess junk food or candy
So what happens if you overindulge your child? What are the consequences?
It can make the children ungrateful They are less able to delay gratification - they need it now! Leads to materialism - putting tremendous value on thing If its junk food/candy - can lead to unhealthy eating habits, obesity Spoiled brat / attitude problems
So how do we avoid overindulging our kids?
Create rules and expect your child will follow them. Enforce the rules Make sure your child is a contributing member of the family. They should have age appropriate responsibilities and be held accountable Be ok with saying no - See episode 66 on tips on how to say no Provide them guidance, love, and support rather than material things If they want something, have them set a goal and create a means to achieve it. Teach them the difference between needing something and wanting something.
Typically my kids come in when it gets dark out. I remember growing up, when the street lights come on, that was the time to go in. The other day, it had been dark for about an hour and my kids were still outside. I went outside to call them in for dinner and witnessed something that was almost too good to interupt. There were 7 to 8 kids laughing and playing a not so serious game of basketball. At that moment, I remembered how much I used to enjoy nights like that growing up. I waited for a break in the play and said, "come inside in about 15 minutes". They chimed back "ok".
There is no question that kids of today "play less" than kids in the past. Keep in mind we are talking about "unstructured play". While sports or games might be considered play, we are speaking about phisycal, non-electronic, and spontaneous play.
What is the reason for the change.? Here are a few explanations for a reduction in play:
There is less space to play - Where I grew up, the homes backed up to large forest. I would imagine a lot of that area has now been developed with homes. There is just less space.
Replacing play with electronics - Gaming, phones, or televisions. Having access to all of these provides entertainment, versus playing. Kids are not going outside if they are playing video games.
Environment is more dangerous - Many parents don't want their kids roaming around or going far from the house. When we grew up it wasn't uncommon for us to ride our bikes miles and miles away. The perception is that it was much safer back then.
Much less time to play - Whether kids are involved in other activities or schools/parents are focused on academic preparation, there is much less time to play.
So why is play so important? Here are some benefits that people have associated over the years with research:
Promotes problem solving skills Learn to get along with others/social skills Improves Memory Conflict resolution Stronger self-regulation Better at math Allows them to work through emotions Improves physical development Builds imagination
So what can we do as parents to encourage play? 1. We need to make sure we provide them the time to play. Stop putting your kids in so many activities. Piano lessons, language tutoring, multiple sports, etc are just too much for kids. 2. We need to make sure offer them a safe place for them to play. If your neighborhood isn't safe, bring them to a park or even indoor play area. 3. The play should be fun and self-directed 4. When young, we may possibly need to find them others to play with - schedule playdates 5. Encourage games and play that is fun and active: hide and seek, dance, sports activities, building stuff, riding bikes, etc.
The summary here is that play is a really good thing for kids. Encourage them to play and provide them an environment that allows them to play
It's already proven, there is really no debate....affection is crucial for a child's well being. The truth is we all want love and affection. Dads often have a harder time providing affection than moms do. Whether it was the fact that their dad was not affectionate, it feels awkward, or you just don't know. In episode 141 we discuss affection and it's importance for both you and your child.
Psychologist Dr. Daniel Singley told us in our interview with him that touch literally changes the neural pathways in the brain.
There is a research firm called Child Trends and they provided some insight on warmth and affection expressed by parents to their children:
Overall it results in life-long positive outcomes for those children. Here are a couple of things they say it improves:
Higher self-esteem Improved academic performance Better parent-child communication Fewer psychological and behavior problems
On the other hand, children who do not have affectionate parents tend to have:
Lower self-esteem Feel more alienated Are more hostile and aggressive And are more anti-social
Seems like a pretty good argument for providing your child affection. So what can dads do to be more affectionate:
Babies Give them a massage Hold them more Use a baby holder or harness on your body Tickling Simple kisses and hugs
As they get older: Hold hands - Toddlers will allow it but as they get older they may not want to Sit on the couch watching TV with your arm around them Hugs and kisses Sit on lap Lie in bed reading
Older Kids Hugs Kisses if they will still let you Hand on their shoulder Sit on lap Lie in bed
I notice times when I will consciously make more effort to be affectionate, my kids are in turn more affectionate. I think that happens with the wife too.
Here is also a couple of tips:
Go slow - you may overwhelm them if they are not used to too much affection. Model the behavior - you should also be affectionate with your wife.
You know how I really have a dislike for technology as it relates to kids. According to a Business Insider article, Both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates had very heavy restrictions on their kid's use of technology and screen time.
Back in 2007, Bill Gates implemented a cap on his daughter's use when he felt she had an unhealthy attachment to a video game.
Here are a couple of interesting pieces of data from the article:
1) Research has found that an eighth - grader's risk for depression jumps 27% when he or she frequently uses social media.
2) Kids who use their phones for at least three hours a day are much more likely to be suicidal.
3) The teen suicide rate in the US now eclipses the homicide rate, with smartphones as the driving force.
This article mentions a book by Veteran teachers Joe Clement and Matt Miles called: "Screen Schooled: Two Veteran Teachers Expose How Technology Overuse Is Making Our Kids Dumber"
They show how screen saturation at home and school has created a wide range of cognitive and social deficits in our young people.
They say teachers are often powerless to curb cell phone distractions; zoned-out kids who act helpless and are unfocused, unprepared, and unsocial.
Discuss Gary Vee and how we romanticize the "old way" of doing things.
I think it's important to look at both sides. Are kids losing in some areas and then gaining in others? Of course, depression and suicide are serious issues. I think we also need to separate social media with the use of technology. Gaming is one area while social media is another.
In episode 139 we discuss 11 things that dads should never apologize for. There are things that happen in the world or at work that you shouldn't apologize for and then items related to your family.
Not directed at your family (world/work)
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That you got upset with your kids in public
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Leaving work a little early for something with your kids
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A baby that cries in public - every baby cries
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Missing a friend's party or event (whether you would rather spend time with your family or you are just so tired), either one is fine
Family-related - Dealing specifically with the kids
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Sometimes you have to work nights or weekends
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That you enjoy work (Feeling productive. Right or wrong, men often define themselves by their work
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You can't make every sporting event or recital. Be sure to make the important ones
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That your there for every bedtime
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Getting annoyed by your children
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Telling your child no
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Taking "me time" Need time away
I was talking to a dad the other day and he was mentioning his 5-year-old is scared of EVERYTHING. He said, "She just seems scared of everything and everybody". Now I don't know if he was exaggerating but it did give me the idea for this episode.
The truth is that 100% of kids have some fear or another. Nobody has no fears. Certainly, some kids are more fearful than others.
AnxiousToddlers.com list many of the fears that children face. We'll go over some of these up to age 11 but of course, there are still many many fears after that. https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/worries-by-age/
Age 2-4 All things related to potty training The Dark Lightening and thunder Shadows Separation from parent (getting lost) Water, pools, baths Animals People in costumes/masks
Ages 5-7 Still many toilet-related issues The Dark Monster, Zombies, Ghosts Separation from parent Fear of people not liking them Fear of doctors, dentists, shots Water & pools Loud noises
Ages 8-11 Fear of dark Bad people, being kidnapped Being home alone Something bad will happen to parents Fear of dying or loved ones dying Disease, illness, aches, and pains School failure Taking tests Having no friends, being teased by peers Heights Storms
So what do we do? 1) First, acknowledge the fear and provide empathy. Talking about it makes it less powerful.
2) Do not ridicule or exacerbate the feelings. Laughing will make them feel worse.
3) Don't avoid the fear. Provide support and care as you approach the fear. For example, if they are afraid of the pool, you can hold them and go in slowly.
4) Have them rate the fear from 1 to 10. It might not be as intense as you thought. Or it's more intense than you thought.
5) Teach them relaxation, breathing techniques. Also positive reinforcement such as "I can do this".
6) There are books that deal with fear and anxiety that might be helpful by sharing stories.
7) In extreme situations, get professional help. But understand every child has fears.
We focus so much on the parent-child relationship, however, it's important for us to focus on the relationship we have with our spouse. Here are some relationship advice tips for dads:
1) Listen to her instead of trying to solve problems - We men have a tendency to try and solve problems instead of just listening.
2) Know her love language and do more of it: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch...and do more of it
3) Say "I love you" more. Send her a text during the day or write her a note. Don't make it sexual, just be vanilla
4) Remember your anniversary (and her birthday). Plan something of getting her gifts, depending on her love language
5) Don't complain - Nobody likes to hear complaining. Even if it's not about her. Refrain from verbalizing it.
6) Give her compliments - While they can be physical, men often compliment when they want something. Compliment her on something non-physical or non-sexual, and expect nothing in return.
7) Plan a weekend getaway without kids - Go away for a weekend. If you can't afford to go anywhere, have your kids go away for a weekend to a friend's or relative's house. Maybe you can do an exchange with another family.
8) If something is bothering you in the relationship, look at what you could do differently in order to get a different response. Maybe it's not her? Sometimes we have to look at our own behavior and what we might be causing.
9) Don't be critical - Instead of saying what you don't like, say what you do like
10) Offer help unsolicited - Don't ask if she needs help, instead make a statement to help. For example, "I'll go pick up the kids tonight. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax".
11) Reduce or Eliminate Expectations - This one is hard but we all do it. Are you placing high expectations on your spouse? Stop doing and see how that affects how to respond to each other.
Today in Episode 136 we are talking about natural consequences. What are they are why are they so effective?
Definition: Natural consequences to children are things that happen as a result of behavior (or lack of it) with no interference by an adult. The cool part is that you get to teach your children important lessons, without being the bad guy.
Here are a couple of examples:
1) If you stand in the rain, you'll get wet. So when you ask them to put on a raincoat, bring an umbrella, or rain boots, they will get wet and probably be pretty uncomfortable.
2) If you don't eat, you get hungry - How many times do we tell our kids to make sure they eat before they leave somewhere. If they choose not to and then get hungry, it's not going to be fun.
3) If you forget your lunch, you are going to be hungry - Parents will often save the day by running back to the school.
4) If you forget your backpack, you will turn in your assignment late - Again, parents will often bring the backpack to school for the child.
5) If you don't bring a jacket when it's cold out, you will be cold - You can tell them it is going to be cold but until they experience it, they may not understand. They will begin to believe what you say.
6) If you don't read the lesson or study for the test, you will get a bad grade. It's up to them if they want to get good grades. Again, if your child is not concerned about their grade, you are going to have to figure that one out. This is probably your concern and not theirs. But for most, they want to do well and will remember when something is due.
The key with all of these is that you first have to have the discussion with your child about the consequences. You can't just spring it on them as they may not understand what the risk is.
Also, this doesn't work in every situation. For example, your child doesn't put their clothes in the hamper. You might say, "only the clothes in the hamper are getting washed." Yet your child doesn't care about wearing dirty clothes. It's certainly not going to work in that situation.
A big proponent of this is Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline. She also indicates there are times when natural consequences are not practical:
1) When a child is in danger (like playing the street) 2) Take time for training (typically use logical consequences, like a toddler crossing the street. Punishment does not work) 3) When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others 4) When the results of children's behavior do not seem like a problem to them, they are ineffective (my laundry example)
The cousin to this concept is Logical Consequences. These are different in that they require the intervention of an adult. People often get them confused. If it requires any intervention from you, it's a logical consequence. We'll have to have another podcast about logical consequences.
So use natural consequences where you can. As difficult as sometimes it can be, you'll begin to see behavior change as a result.
This episode 135 is about helping your child make new friends. As they get into school in kindergarten they start creating friendships. A lot of it is related to proximity. Kids in the same class become friends or you become friends with kids in the neighborhood.
It's really cool to see kids that develop a bond early on.
But sometimes you see that they don't mesh well. You have to recognize if it could be your kid that is the issue or the other children they are around just may not be a good fit.
For example, if your child is shyer, do they seem to mesh well with another shy child or someone younger?
You need to be pro-active. Nothing is going to happen by doing nothing.
Discuss the qualities that make a good friend - honesty, being kind, having fun. Ask them the type of qualities they value? What kind of people do they want in their life?
Provide Positive reinforcement - "I saw you and Sarah were sharing your dolls back and forth. You were really playing well together."
Offer them some conversation and/or playing tips: "Allow both people to talk". "Ask them questions, but also allow them to ask you questions." Do you usually play what your friend wants to or always tell them what to do?
Schedule Play Dates - Try setting up times to play with different children. Only one at a time though. Try different personalities. You'll begin to see the who your child seems to get along with. However, this may not always be the desired friend. Just because they are getting along doesn't mean they are each a good influence on each other.
Keep Expectations in Check - Never force the child to have the playdate but certainly, you can encourage it. Don't make a huge deal of it. "You don't have friends or "you need new friends" is not something ideal to say.
You also need to be aware. Are you not getting asked to reciprocate the playdate? Are other kids not wanting to play with your kid?
Be aware if there is a real problem - If your child seems to really have problems with other kids, consider professional help. It may be something you are missing and a professional could discover it.
In episode 134 Alan and Jason discuss 9 values dad can teach their kids. Here they are in no particular order:
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Respect - Have respect for other people, yourself, and things around you.
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Honesty - Tell the truth. Sometimes it's really hard, to tell the truth.
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Being Polite - Say please and thank you.
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Responsibility - Daily tasks such as brushing teeth and doing homework without being reminded teach responsibility.
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Patience - Not everything happens quickly. It can take a long time for things to come about.
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Gratitude - It's the secret to happiness
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Don't Give Up - Quitting will not get you where you want to go.
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Love - Allow them to express their emotions. Give them hugs, kisses, and say I love you often.
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Empathy - The most important element in getting along with others.
Anger is a real. We all get angry. But as a dad, it's important we learn how to control our anger as our kids are watching. They see how we react and how we deal with things. Most of us don't want to be angry, we just sometimes can't help it. Although the reality is that it is a choice. While re-wiring our brain is the best answer, it may not be realistic for everyone.
Let's start out by discussing a few types of anger. There are many but these seem to be some common ones:
Passive anger - usually is displayed in some not so obvious way. People may use the term "passive/aggressive". Jokes, avoidance of a situation
Overwhelmed anger - sometimes used to relieve stress or pain, caused by life's demands that could be too much
Volatile anger - builds and then erupts like a volcano. Expressed either physically or verbally.
Self-inflicted anger - this is directed at yourself, could be from guilt or shame guilt
Judgmental anger - which is directed toward others. Being critical, belittling others.
Chronic anger - which is prolonged, ongoing and can greatly affect someone's health
If you find yourself getting angry with your child or spouse a lot, here are some ways to deal with anger:
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Count to ten - take a breath and count. allow yourself the break
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Take a timeout / physically walk away and remove yourself from the situation
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Practice meditation or breathing exercises
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Exercise - releases happy hormones and relieves stress
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Understand why you are mad - we often get mad at our kids when we are actually frustrated or mad at something else. Identify exactly what you are mad at and figure out if you can change it
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Self-Acceptance or acceptance of others - Learn that you are ok the way you are and so are other people. It takes practice. But ask yourself, is being mad the state I really want to be in?
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Seek professional help. If it doesn't feel like something you can solve or that it gets better, go get professional help.
As fathers, we may have an idea of how things should be. We "should" all over everyone. We often have high expectations. This may be expectations for ourselves, our spouses, and yes, even our children.
But what happens when we think something should go a certain way and it doesn't or our kid should be a certain way and they are not? What do we do? We love them unconditionally, regardless of what we think they should do or be.
For example:
My kid is not good at sports - Yes physical exercise is important, but the likelihood they are going to be a professional athlete is 0. Why is this so important to you? Maybe because you played sports?
My kid is not very smart - Do they simply need some extra help? Are there other things that are distracting them. When kids find things interesting, they are typically more eager to learn.
My kid is messy and can't clean up - I think this is common as they learn behavior over time. But really look at your own behavior. Are you cleaning up after yourself as well?
My kid moves too slow - Very common once again. Their brains just don't process the information as fast as adults. They may also be a "smell the roses" kind of personality that can be different from you.
My kid doesn't seem to have common sense - They need to be taught the ways of the world. You OB1 can teach them things.
My kid doesn't have any ambition - Why is success or ambition so important? Do you feel they will struggle? What if they are happy with where they are at? Ambition and success do not equal happiness
My kid doesn't have a good work ethic - Similar to ambition. While most people will agree that hard work is important, what if they don't want much? It's one thing if they want something but aren't willing to work for it. If so, they will quickly learn that on their own.
My kid doesn't want to go to college - And what if they don't? Does college mean success? or happiness? Back in the day, a "good education" meant getting a "good job" but it did not equal happiness. Not everyone is set up for college and more specifically college success.
You need to evaluate the pressure and expectations you are putting on your child. Are you allowing them to grow as an individual to be who they are instead of what you want them to be? Reflect back on your own childhood and see if you were ever made to feel that you were disappointing your parents because of what you did or decided to be. It doesn't feel good.
Believe it not, we as dads are not perfect. Of course, it's important to identify our mistakes so we can fix them. Here are 10 parenting mistakes dads make:
1) Leaving the parenting up to mom
2) Trying to solve problems instead of showing empathy
3) Not providing enough affection
4) Not spending enough quality time with their kids
5) Doing too much for the kids not thinking they are capable (ie. getting them dressed, cleaning up after them)
6) Living through their children (music, sports, education)
7) Aggressive punishment (yelling, spanking)
8) Expectation is too high
9) Underestimating their child
10) Not regulating the food/candy they eat (too much sugar)
In Episode 130 Alan and Jason have a discussion about Dads managing their time and having alone time. There seem to be 3 different scenarios:
Dads with No Time - These dads need to make time for themselves. If they are wanting time, how do they carve it out? If they are happy, does that mean it's not a problem?
Dads who don't need a lot of time - These are people in which they don't have a lot of requirements for their own time. Or they may carve out time that the balance is currently ok. Jason explains how this is how he currently lives. He gets up early in the morning to get his own time.
Dads that take too much time - These dads go on golf trips and spend a lot of time away from the family. The wives may be feeling neglected. The guys who are doing it don't know or care. Do they not appreciate their wives?
Some people may consider alone time selfishness but it really depends on your attitude around it and the people around you. If the people around you are bothered by it, you might want to re-evaluate the time you are spending away.
This podcast episode 129 was inspired by an article found on TheSpruce.com written by Apryl Duncan. While plenty of adults struggle with time management, it's important for us to pass this education on to our kids. Here are some tips:
Start Early - Don't wait until they are teens to teach them time management. Toddlers and pre-schoolers can learn skills to begin understanding time management.
Make it fun - If you stress out badly with time, they may too. You'll want to make the exercises fun. We'll talk about some things to do and you will want to keep it light.
Teach Them About Time - How to read a clock. Help them understand what 5 minutes mean. This takes some time.
Make a family calendar - This calendar should have everyone's general schedule and what is going on with the family.
Let them have their own calendar - In addition to the family calendar, they can have their own. This can tell them when to get and get ready for school, when to attend their sports activity, or when an event is happening. This gives them a sense of ownership
Establish Set Meal Times - This is ideal for eating together and for example, they know to come inside because dinner is at X time. In the mornings, they know they need to eat by 7:15 to be on time for school.
Don't Overschedule - Don't have them participating in every sport or after school activity. Don't book 3 parties on a Saturday. It's very easy to fall into this trap.
Schedule downtime - While adults need downtime, so do kids. If time is feeling limited, put free time on the calendar as well.
Teaching them priorities - First. Next Last. This is a good method for learning priority.
Positive reinforcement - When you see them doing something good with time management, be sure to make a big deal about it "You were ready on time for school today. It was greatly appreciated"
Rewards can motivate people, but it's short term. If the reward stops, then the behavior stops. If you stopped getting paid for work, would you still go?
We see rewards and bribes everywhere: including schools and in homes. For true motivation, it has to come from within. For example, if you take anyone who is at the top of their game: athlete, musician, businessperson. The motivation comes from within. Nobody has to stand over them telling them to practice every day. If they did have that, they will surely get burned out of doing it.
So how do we motivate our children? Well, it's certainly important to first have a strong relationship with them. Let's go over
1) Talk to Them - Talk about the importance of the activity. "It's important to have your room clean so you can find things when you need it. Or so that nobody gets hurt while walking through it. Don't use words like "have to" must" or " should".
2) Positive Reinforcement - When they do something that may require motivation, make a big deal about it. Be sure it's unsolicited. "Wow son, I really appreciate you taking out the trash this morning." or "I saw you put away your dish after dinner. That was really helpful"
3) Offer choices - Kids like being in control and when they are young, love to test it. Offer them choices to help motivate them in the right direction: "Would you rather take a bath or a shower tonight?" Would you like to do your 15 minutes of homework reading with me tonight or by yourself? It gives them a sense of control but still requires them to do the activity
4) Set Goals - Make sure they are realistic but setting goals on individual accomplishments can be helpful. Make sure the child is setting their own goals. It will be more powerful and it's important for them in the learning process.
5) Understand their capabilities - If they are having difficulty with something, don't always assume it's a motivation issue. They may simply not have the skills or yet developed the skills to do it. For example, homework. They may find it difficult to do math. Not understanding something can be discouraging. Try to understand if it's a non-motivation factor that is affecting performance.
6) Make it a Competition - Healthy competition is good. Make sure they understand not to be negative toward the other person but being competitive is a good trait.
7) Model the behavior - Monkey See - Monkey Do - You can't expect your kids to clean up after themselves if you are not doing the same. You want them to eat healthily, you better be doing the same.
Overall it's really about what feels good inside. It's important for us to communicate with our children, understand their perspective, and respect where they are coming from. Maybe your son doesn't want to play sports and would rather play music. Maybe your daughter prefers reading to doing math. Be mindful of what is important to them and what motivates them internally.
In episode 127 we cover how to stop kids from talking back. There are a few other terms for "talking back" or "back talk. These can be:
- smart mouth
- being snappy
- sassy
- giving lip
Every parent will experience some form of this. It seems to happen when they get around grade school age - 5 or 6. They want to engage you whether it's positive or negative. Remember our discussion about negative discipline in Episode 109 You can't give in to this.
Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline says that "when a child talks back, what he's really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt."
So the reality is they are probably feeling something and don't know how to express it. So they do they by talking back. What can we do about it? Here are a few tips:
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1 tip - Ignore them. If you are in a situation where that is possible, simply don't engage with the behavior. Be prepared they may escalate it so ignoring is not always the ideal answer.
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Don't take it personally - As Jane Nelson say, something else is going on. It may have nothing to do with you. If you approach it that way, you will be more inclined to not be negative yourself.
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Show empathy - Because there could be something else going on, showing empathy may help diffuse the situation. "You are really mad about not being able to watch TV. I can understand how that can be frustrating."
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Offer Options - Instead of TV, you can read a book in your room or play with your legos. Which one do you prefer?
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Give warnings on time - A lot of battles are over time: coming inside for dinner, only playing a video game for so long, etc. Provide warning of how much time is left for the activity.
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Connect with Them - It may simply be that they need your attention. Check in with yourself and them and see if it's something you can provide. If not right at the moment, schedule it with them and let them know when it will happen. "After dinner, do you want to play some cards? I'd love to play with you."
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Set Clear House Rules - If speaking respectfully is a house rule, make sure you are doing the same. You'll want to make sure they aren't learning the snappy attitude from you.
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Positive discipline - Be sure to re-enforce good behavior. Listen to episode 109 if you need some pointers for that.
Pushing back is a part of growing and will serve them well as adults. The key is us teaching them how to push back. We need to teach them how to communicate effectively.
Episode 126 we discuss patience. We learn why we lose our patience and what to do about it. I think it's important to understand why we lose our patience. What is it about situations that cause us to go wacky? Here are a few I have witnessed:
1) Expectations - You set yourself up for failure. you think something should be going a certain way and it doesn't happen that way. Expectations can be a killer.
2) Tired - Sleep is essential. When you are sleep deprived it's really easy to be irritable and lost patience.
3) Hungry - Some people get hangry. But low blood sugar or being hungry can cause some people to act abnormal.
4) Displaced Anger - Are you really mad at your wife, co-worker, or friend? Being in a bad place certain shows up with us acting out on someone else..often times our children.
5) Stress - Are you feeling financial stress? Is there family drama that you have to deal with? These stressers can certainly cause you to have low patience.
So how can we learn to be more patient?
1) Express gratitude - When their room is a complete mess 24 hours after it was cleaned, you can think about how they live in the moment. They are active and adventurous.
2) Choose your battles - Think about how important or not important the situation is. If you are 5 minutes later than you want is it going to cause a big problem? Is this life and death?
3) Take a break - Simply walk away from the situation and give yourself some time calm down.
4) Take 5 deep breathes - Breathing can help slow your heart rate and gives you the time to pause. After you take 5 deep breathes you typically are much more calm than before.
5) Count to 10 - Like breathing, counting gives you a small break to think before you act. This short break can help provide some calmness to a potential chaotic situation.
6) Face your anger - The displaced anger that may have caused you to be impatient probably needs to be dealt with. Don't let it linger. Figure out what is causing it and deal with it.
7) Put your hand on your heart - This allows you to connect with your heart. Instead of always thinking your way through a situation, try feeling. When you put your hand on your heart and feel the heartbeat, it has an effect of slowing you down and approaching the situation potentially with empathy.
8) Re-set your expectations - Realize your expectations may have been too high. Were you trying to get to 3 different birthday parties in one day? Maybe 2 would have been enough. Are you running behind on getting the kids to school? They aren't going to jail for being late. you can plan better next time.
9) Plan ahead - A perfect example of this is the morning routine to get the kids to school. Make lunches the night before, have them set out their clothes the night before. Post a schedule.
Let's admit it, most people aren't very good at apologizing...especially kids. We teach them to talk like a robot reminding them "what do you say?" Apologizing is simply something you are supposed to do when you do something wrong. However, apologies are pointless unless people feel that the offender meant it. This can be tone of voice or even body language.
I had read about a formula for apologizing that I thought was good. I don't know who the original creator of it is. It's starts out with:
1) I’m sorry for - "I'm sorry for hitting you when you took my toy" It's important to be specific and not just a broad "I'm sorry". The child needs to understand what they are apologizing for.
2) This is wrong because - "I could have hurt you when I hit you". They need to understand the reason why it's not acceptable or why it is wrong.
3) In the future, I will - "Ask you nicely to have my toy back". It is really important for the child to learn how to do it correctly. what are they learning from this?
4) Will you forgive me? - Be prepared they could say no, but at least ask. This helps restore the relationship.
I think for many situations, this formula can work...especially with young kids. The most important thing is to lead by example. You need to apologize when you do something wrong and your kids need to see and hear it. This is the best way for them to learn.
While I like the formula, I would add some elements to it that i think are important. for example
1) You must have Empathy. I think empathy needs to be deployed all around. As the parent, the offender was feeling a certain way and didn't know how to act. They are still learning what is correct behavior. "When you took your brother's toy and broke it, how were you feeling? So you were angry? And you felt angry so you hit your brother?
Of course we need to empathize with the victim as they be be hurt. Ask the offender: "How do you think your brother felt when you hit him? Would you want to feel like that?
2) Make Amends - While sorry is good, what could you do to fix the situation or help? For example, "You hit your brother, how can you fix the situation"? This could be in the form of go and getting an ice pack, a hug, or even having the child do something for their brother to make up for it.
3) Next Time - What is the learning experience? We all make mistakes and mistakes are ok. If you are to be in this situation again, what would you do differently?
Saying and being sorry isn't easy. However if we model this behavior for our kids and help them through the process, they are going to be better equipped to have empathy for others and admit when they have done something wrong. They will probably be better off afterward as well.
There is no doubt that kids yelling at each other and fighting can be a big cause of anxiety and stress for parents. What are we to do? As with any mis-behavior, there is a root of the problem that needs to be addressed. Does one child feel the other is favored? Is one child simply just being selfish? Is there different expectations put on different kids? Or are the same expectations put on two different aged kids? All of these are probably true. Is this episode 124, we talk about reducing conflict between kids.
Alan, did you have a lot of sibling rivalry in your house growing up?
When we have more than one child, we think we are treating them the same but that’s nearly impossible. When it was only one, they simply got more attention than when the second one came along. Then if there is three, the attention gets even further reduced.
What about expectations with age? I know that we may start implementing something with our children?> Let’s say some responsibilities around the house? When my son was 2 years younger (the same age as my daughter), he may not have had to do things like that.
My purpose with all of this is showing that while multiple children grow up in the same environment, it may be very difficult to actually treat them equal, for their age. Also gender differences may come into play. While not fair or right, it can easily happen when you are not mindful of it. You may allow your son to do something that you don’t allow your daughter to do.
So what are some ways we can reduce conflict:
1) Have them make friends before birth – Let the older child be a part of the pregnancy and get familiar with the unborn baby, preparing for the role of big sister or big brother. Seeing pictures, feeling the tummy, etc.
2) Have the older child feel important – give them jobs, let them be involved in the process of opening gifts. Even possibly give them a present when the baby comes home. My wife did this with great success.
3) Stress the importance of the family – “We are a team”, “”we work together, “we help each other”. These are words that should be consistently hear in your house.
4) Establish rules of the house – Before you can enforce rules, they must know what the rules are. For example, “we must respect each other at all times”. This may mean no hitting, kicking, or even yelling. If yelling is a rule, be sure it’s a rule you are not breaking either.
5) Never compare your children in front of them – Saying how one is better or worse at something is not helpful. “You know your brother never does that” is not a statement that should ever be said.
6) Allow them to solve their own disagreements – If nobody is getting hurt, can you allow them to solve it? If one of my children comes to me complaining about the other, I simply ask, “What did you brother/sister/say when you told them this?” or “Did you talk to your brother/sister about this? Did you ask them nicely?” This is typically followed up with “I have complete confidence that you guys can work this out and find a solution that works for both of you”.
7) Make all children your favorite – My mother was great at this. Each child thought they were her favorite
8) Be empathetic and listen – Be sure to listen to your kids and hear about how they feel. By being empathetic, you may get the opportunity to learn about what is troubling them and figure out a way to fix it.
The last episode brought up some points about teaching our kids to be independent. That episode inspired us to create this episode. Episode 123 covers 13 things to stop doing for your kids now:
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Getting them dressed – By 3-4 they can dress themselves.
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Getting undressed – Between 13-24 months. You should not be taking your 4 year old’s shirt off.
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Carrying their backpack – If they are old enough to have a backpack, they should carry it.
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Tying their shoes – Usually by kindergarten (about age 5) they should know how to do this. Stop tying their shoes because you are in a hurry. Give yourself extra time and let them become independent.
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Throw their trash away – Old enough to walk, old enough to throw it in the trash.
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Feeding themselves – Use utensils by 18 months. By age 4 they should be able to hold utensils like an adult.
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Getting themselves breakfast – Most can do it by 4 1/2 but many do it much earlier. Make it child friendly. you may experience a few spilled milk episodes.
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Brushing Teeth – 3 or 4 to do it themselves but can do it as early as 16 months with your help.
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Cleaning up their toys – They use them, they clean them up. We still are learning the “put one away before you can grab another.
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Cleaning up their dishes – If your child can walk, they can carry a dish over to the sink.
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Cleaning their rooms – Just like anything else to clean, if they can walk, they can typically put things away.
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Making separate meals – You or your wife is not a short otrder cook. Sure you may want to consider something …
Nearly every child goes through a period when they get really clingy and get upset if their parent is leaving. Babies can show signs of it around 6-7 months. It typically peaks around 10-18 months and reduces when they are about 2 years old. For episode 122, we discuss some things you can do help your baby and child:
– Get familiar with the caregiver. If you have a brand new person watching the baby, this may prove to be difficult. Give the baby some time to get to know the person who is taking care of them.
– Start small – When they are real young, try to start with a short amount of time. Maybe it’s half an hour or hour at first
– Say goodbye – Don’t sneak out the back. You disappearing isn’t very nice. Don’t cry or make it dramatic, just say a nice simple goodbye and give them a quick kiss or hug. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
– Make it Routine – You should practice leaving every once in a while. Having the child always with you at every moment will have them expect that. It’s ok to have some alone time, and it’s healthy for the child to develop that ability to be apart.
So what happens when your child continues to have separation anxiety as they get older? According to webmd, if the child is over 6 years old and still having an extreme fear, they may have Separation Anxiety Disorder. This effects approx 4-5% of children in the US ages 7-11. It only effects 1.3% of teens. Both boys and girls are equal. It’s usually is treated with either psychotherapy or medications including some kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. If you do have a situation like …
Whether your kids are playing sports or playing a board game, losing is a part of life. Maybe they slam their game pieces on the board or throw their glove into the dirt? Losing is a reality. How can we have our kids enjoy competition yet understand how to cope with losing properly? Is there such thing as losing properly?
I played sports growing up and I recall losing was pretty devastating to me. I was a very competitive child. However I can’t recall any competitive losses that have stuck with into adulthood. They are really no big deal. At the time they may have been, but now they are not. I personally think being competitive is a good thing. I do however think it’s important to understand how you act and deal with others when you win or lose is important.
So how do we help our kids deal with losing? Here are a 8 tips:
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Re-define Winning – We had expert coach Terry Liskevych who put things in perspective. The most important thing when kids are young is that they have fun. Discuss what sportsmanship is as well as possibly talking to them beforehand about the upcoming competition.
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Set a good example – monkey see, monkey do. If you have a weekend basketball league and your kids see you throwing the ball against the wall in anger, you might want to re-evaluate that.
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Give them positive attention – When they do something positive, make sure that is re-inforced. “I saw you help the other team member get up from the floor. That was really good sportsmanship”. or “You should be really proud of yourself for diving for the ball and going after it. See our episode 109 for more on this.
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Empathy – …
Monkey See, Monkey do. In episode 120 our friend Alan joing Jason & Alan for another episode. With many of the things we talk about here, we start with us leading by example. I thought we would bring a list together of 7 things we can do to positively influence our child.
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Be Polite – They hear you saying please and thank you. They also hear how you talk to them. How you treat wait staff, employees, etc.
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Help Others – Let them see you helping other family members, friends, and the community. Involve your kids in the process if you can.
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Celebrate diversity – People are all different and that is a wonderful thing. Allow them to appreciate that everyone is different and that is what makes the world great. Take interest in other cultures. Have friends from different backgrounds.
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Be responsible with money – they see how we spend and our attitudes about money
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Express Emotion – Emotions are not good or bad, they just are. It’s ok for your kids to see
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Work Hard – If you want something, you need to work for it. Hard work pays off
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Enjoy life – It doesn’t matter what your passion is or what you enjoy, give yourself time to do it. It needs to balance with your desire. This can mean go on vacations, do things that bring joy into your life.
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Take Care of Yourself – This means mind, body, and spirit. Practicing mindfullness like meditation and/or yoga as well as creating healthy eating habits.
Some of these may seem obvious, but sometimes the obvious things are the things we miss because we take them for granted.…
For Episode 119, Alan and Jason are joined by Jason’s friend Alan who’s story helps articulate some of the difficulties dads go through with their kids during a divorce. Sometimes the relationship can feel like you are starting over. For the kids, they may be in an unfamiliar environment which can add additional stress to them. The discussion some understanding of what both dads and their kids may go through during the divorce as well as offering these tips to maintain the connection with your child during these difficult times:
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Make sure the time you do spend with them is quality, focused attention
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Don’t force it – be flexible
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Be involved in their activities
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Communicate often – text, phone, skype, email. Schedule if possible
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Be consistent – do what you say you are going to do – times, schedules, etc.
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Have to cooperate with ex whether you want to or not – sometimes that cooperation needs to be forced.
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Showing them love – more important than telling. Show interest in what they are doing. Discover things you can share.…
This episode is for the new dads. Oh, it’s exciting. You get to hold your baby for the first time. There is nothing like holding your newborn baby and feeling like you can’t believe that you can love something so much. Then a few days go by. And then a few weeks. Unless you are spending a lot of time with the baby, it can be difficult for you as the dad to feel an immediate close bond with the baby. I’m sure some guys do, but many do not.
I know with my kids, the first few months there was much more time spent with my wife than me. Whether that was my doing or not, I worked and she was the one who was breastfeeding, fell asleep with them on occasion, or just simply took them wherever she went.
Men can often have a more difficult time feeling the immediate bond with the child. Mom had a 9-month head start. As such, here are a few tips to bond with your baby:
1) Talk to your baby – My wife would talk to our kids before they were born. I found it a little difficult but would occasionally give a high five or say hello. It just takes practice to become comfortable with it.
2) Carry your baby – Whether this is in your arms or in a sling, carrying the baby allows both you and it, to feel close.
3) Skin To Skin Contact – There is something about a baby’s skin that is just amazing. It’s soft and feels nice. The touch is also good for the baby. You could either place the baby simply on your chest while reclining or laying down or even give the baby a massage.
4) Give the baby a bath…
Watching your parents age isn’t easy. As we have our own children and they grow, we begin to see our own parents aging. The dynamics of the relationship can begin to change. It can also be difficult as to go through this change. For episode 117, we discuss tips to deal with aging parents.
1) Takes things slow – You must have patience and know that things are going to take you a lot longer than you planned. They may move pretty slow so you need to be considerate of that.
2) Be empathetic that change is hard – Whether they need to downsize where they live or go into a home or senior center, change is not easy. Be empathetic to this rather than trying to convince them that everything is going to be so much fun and better.
3) Ask for help – Don’t try to do everything yourself. Call on family members, friends, and even caregivers to assist when they can. If someone needs to be hired or they need more permanent assistance, consider the options.
4) Understand they are just going to forget things – You may find yourself repeating things over and over. It may even be something you just talked about. Realize that their memories are often affected as they age.
5) They may be in denial – They may not want to admit that they need help or that they are getting older. It’s often hard to admit you can’t do things you once did.7
6) Be aware that you may feel angry or scared – These feelings may come up and it’s ok. It’s not easy to deal with seeing them change, roles changing, and dealing with the different type of relationship. They may not be able to do the same things …
Terry Liskevych is the President and CEO of The Art of Coaching. The Art of Coaching helps teach coaches how to effectively manage and run their teams.
1) First, we discuss Terry’s background, how he got started, and some of his career highlights, etc.
Here is a little background on Terry:
Former Collegiate Volleyball Head Coach The Ohio State Men’s Team – 1975-1976 University of the Pacific – Women’s Team – 1976-1984 Oregon State University – Women’s Team – 2005-2015 Took college teams to seven final fours Collegiate Coach of the Year – 1983 PAC-12 Coach of the Year – 2014 Former USA Women’s Volleyball National & Olympic Coach – 1985-1996 International Coach of the Year 1995 Two adult kids – Mark & Krista – both played several youth sports and both played soccer in HS and College
2) We talk about what ages are appropriate to get kids into sports. Should it be competitive?
3) Terry talks about multiple sports and the Pros / Cons on each
4) The reality of competition and playing at a higher level
5) Also, he talks about recruiting and or the process of getting into college sports. He has some tips for parents of children in high school who are thinking about playing in college.
6) 5 Tips To Be an Effective Sports Parent A) It’s about them B) Have fun C) Learning Skills D) Support – unconditional skills E) 1%…
For episode 115 we explore the ever important topic of emotional intelligence. According to Wikipedia – Emotional Intelligence (or EQ, emotional quotient) is the capability of individuals to recognize their own, and other people’s emotions, to discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and to manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt environments or achieve one’s goal(s).
While some schools have begun to teach EQ, they still primarily focus on IQ. Here are a couple ways to strengthen their EQ:
1) Teach them there are different emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust.
2) What does each of the feelings look like? Sound like? You could show pictures of facial expressions or do them yourself.
3) Have them recognize these emotions within themselves. When do they feel this way? When have they felt this way in the past?
4) Talk about your own feelings. We often avoid talking about our feelings thinking we are protecting our children.
5) Recognize and explore feelings in different places. Talk to them about how they feel when they are at home or at school. How do they feel when they go to a specific place.
6) Allow them to express themselves. You getting upset when they are scared, or minimizing a situation they are really mad about does not help. Allow them to express their emotions.
7) Show empathy / teach empathy – We can’t teach it if we don’t do it ourselves. It’s one of the most important skills of EQ.
8) Teach them how to problem solve – Not all emotions require problem-solving. Sometimes just feeling the emotion. or “letting it out” is enough. However, if a problem needs to be solved, teach them how to approach it. For example “You are …
For Episode 114, we explore the 30 Best Things About Being a Dad:
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Your child things you are a superhero – they look up to you
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When you child does something really well – whether it’s a sport, music, academic – how proud you feel
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When they make you laugh
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When you see them help other people
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When they come to you for advice
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When they draw you a picture and have emotion to it
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When you come home from work and they run to see you
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Their hugs and kisses
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When you see yourself in them (and it’s something good)
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Holding hands while walking
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Reading to them at night
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Laying down with them at night
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Watching them sleep
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Seeing them walk for the first time
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The first time they say “dad”
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Playing games with them that you enjoy
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Playing sports with them that you enjoy
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When other people tell you how wonderful they are
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When they come to you for comfort
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Introducing them to things you enjoy – movies, television, sports, games
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Experiencing new things together
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It makes you want to be a better man
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They think you are a really smart
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They think you are really strong
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When something you have been trying to instill in them finally clicks
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They easily forgive and forget – If you apologize, they are very forgiving
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The emotion during a memorable moment – sitting with my family watching fireworks
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It teaches you to focus on what really is important
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They teach you to slow down and enjoy the moment
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Lower chance of depression – studies show
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You learn to have more …
While we love our children, there are simply recurring things that happen over and over that are annoying. For episode 113, we explore 25 of the Most Annoying Things Young Kids Do.
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Whining
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They ask so many questions
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Ask the same questions over and over
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Saying “dad” (or mom) over and over
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They are loud
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Not listening
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Not cleaning up clothes, costumes, toys – all over the house
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Leaving small toys in the walkway to step on
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Finding food somewhere it’s not supposed to be
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Clothes right next to the laundry basket – they just don’t seem to make it inside it
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Toothpaste all over the sink
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Toothpaste lid never on the toothpaste
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Not finishing their food and then asking for something else
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Bringing mud into the house on their shoes
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Singing the same song over and over and over again
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Watching the same thing over and over and over again
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They move really slow, especially when you are in a hurry
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They eat really slow, especially when you don’t
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They ask for desserts, candy, or anything sugar related constantly
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They will interrupt you when you are talking
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They want to constantly use your phone
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When they play electronics or games, they won’t answer you or even look up.
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They tell you last minute that they need something for school
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They will argue something they have no idea about – and say you are wrong
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They are always there.…
There are many people who have written or spoke on the topic of regret. In reading a few articles, there were social workers, hospice nurses, or people who are around individuals in the final days of their lives. There seem to be common themes around regret.
If you talk to people with not a lot of time left, they will often use the phrase “I wish I had….” In order for us to learn how to avoid regret, it really does make sense to understand what people say when they are in the old age.
Gary Vaynerchuck, the marketing and business expert I follow, has a few videos about regret. He says the same thing. If you want to get motivated and learn what not to do, go visit a nursing home and talk to 80 and 90-year-olds. They will tell you what they wish they would have done differently.
When we are young, we are so occupied with day to day, we often don’t look at the big picture. The reality is that it’s hard to do. At least I can admit that for myself. One of the reasons I created this podcast was to remind myself of the big picture. What are the most important things?
Let’s take a look at 7 of the major regrets that older people talk about:
1) I wish I had not spent so much time working. My mother used to say, “nobody on their deathbed ever said, “I should have spent more time at the office”. Yes, we often feel trapped. We feel we have to work in order to support the family.
2) I wish I had been more loving to the people who matter the most. This may be our spouse, our parents, our children, or even our friends. In …
Remember growing up we would always hear: “Don’t talk to strangers” or even better was the chant “Stranger Danger”. The problem is that most strangers are not dangerous. There are a few flaws with this method:
1) It is based on fear. Promoting fear is not good.
2) If we base it on how people look, it’s a form of profiling or prejudice. We don’t want to teach that.
3) The reality is that abductions or kidnappings are often done by people the child knows.
4) A child may be afraid to ask for help if they need it.
I came across an article in which a woman had taught her kids to look out for “tricky people” instead of strangers. This lesson ultimately saved their life as they were approached by some people and senses that something wasn’t right.
When you have kids, safety is a really big issue. You constantly worry about them being safe, where they are, who is around them, etc.
However, we want our kids to be social and not live by fear. Being comfortable around people and being able to talk to people are important skills.
This episode is designed for dads to be able to take this information and talk with their kids. I think it’s important we change the words we used. If you use “stranger”, you are left trying to teach them good strangers versus bad strangers. It can be confusing.
When we use the term “tricky people” it really speaks to the type of person that is trying to manipulate them or could do something to them. So how do we teach our kids to identify tricky people? How do we teach them to be “street smart”?
1) It can be someone you don’t know, someone you know a little …
One of the most frustrating things about dealing with children is mis-behavior. In this Episode 110, we explore 11 reasons why young children misbehave and what to do about it.
1) They are tired / Put them to sleep
2) They want to assert their independence or control / Give them choices – would you like X or Y
3) They don’t understand the rules / Be sure to explain the rules, post them if you need to
4) They are bored / Ask them questions – instead of always being their entertainment – What is something you enjoy?
5) They lack the skills – they are young, their brain hasn’t yet developed that part or simply they just have not had enough practice / Teach them what they need to know
6) Your expectations are too high – is it normal child behavior? / lower or stop having expectations
7) They saw it somewhere else – friends or parents / Explain what you want to see not what you don’t want to see
8) They don’t know how to control their emotions – this is sort of a combination of many but they need to learn about the different kinds of emotions and how to deal with them / Teach them to be able to calm themselves, teach them it’s ok to have emotions but need to handle it appropriately
9) They are hungry / Make sure they eat, bring snacks, don’t go too long without food.
10) They want attention / Don’t give them the attention
11) They have been rewarded for bad behavior (they got negative attention) / Focus on rewarding positive behavior – listen to episode 109…
Who doesn’t like attention? The problem is that we as parents pay much more attention to our kids when they behave badly than when they are good. In episode 109 we look at the different kinds of attention and what to do about it. The reality is that our children misbehaving is OUR FAULT.
There are 3 kinds of Attention:
Positive Attention – This can be affection, praise. We typically do this when they are well behaved. We give them approval. Negative Attention – Giving them attention when the misbehave. This can be yelling, lectures, threats. This is still a reward. Let me repeat that: Negative attention is still a reward! It teaches them to interrupt you, annoy you, behave rudely, etc. No Attention
The problem is that children want attention all the time. If they don’t get positive attention, they will still want it and negative attention provides that.
We give so much more negative attention than positive. So the answer is to give positive attention and they will want more of that.
– You and your brother are playing so nicely together – You should be really proud of yourself for reading that entire book – I really appreciate that you put your clothes away – It was very nice of you to let your sister choose the television show.
In our meetup group, one of the dads was telling a story about how his 6-year-old daughter would often complain of a stomach ache.
Of course, they would cater to her and give her attention. She has now come forward saying that her stomach didn’t really hurt.
These are difficult situations because you can’t discount when a young child says they are in pain or struggling. It’s a hard situation.
So we ask the question: Can you give …
For Episode 108, we wanted to help dads with getting in shape and being healthy. We brought in Fitness Professional Max Wettstein to discuss some tips on how to stay in shape, eat well, and overall live a healthy lifestyle. Here are some accomplishments of Max:
- Max is an airline pilot & Captain at JetBlue Airways.
- He is a Fitness Professional - He's been on the cover of Men's Health magazine & other fitness mags over 25 times,
- He's been a consultant to a major supplement company (Nature's Sunshine)
- He's a Personal Trainer
- He's published a book on the holistic-approach to fat-loss
- He's a staff-writer on fitness for several magazines
- He's a YouTuber & fitness-blogger.
- However the most important thing that qualifies him to talk about this topic: he is the father of 2 amazing girls: age 5 and 13.
- He's also a full time coach to his oldest daughter, who is a professional skateboarder at age 13.
Probably the single biggest obstacle for people being healthy or getting in shape is excuses. However if you are not unhappy about your weight, how you look, or how you feel, and your not complaining, then you win. This episode may not be valuable to you.
However, if you want to be and look healthier, feel better, maybe want to lose a few pounds, and/or want your kids to learn about healthy choices, then stay with us.
There are tons of good excuses people have on why they aren't as healthy as they should be or carrying a little extra weight. We went over these excuses with Max and got his take on them:
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Not enough time/too busy - Playing with kids can be exercise. You workout along side your kids.
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Can’t afford it - Gymless, using your own bodyweight. Is eating healthy more expensive?
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Don’t enjoy it - find something you enjoy, a sport, foods. Also, do it for the goal or to show your kids. When you see results, you will be happy. It also releases hormones.
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Some body part hurts - don't have to go too hard, walking, yoga, stretching, tai chi. There are many little or no impact things things to simply get you moving.
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I travel too much - Using your own body weight, quick workouts, finding healthy food.
Max mentions 2 major pitfalls for dads: 1) Unplanned calories (eating kids foods if they don't eat it) 2) More treats in the house
Max then offers some recommendations to improve your health:
1) Reduce/eliminate sugar - This is a hard one as sugar is really an addiction. However doing this seems like it's the #1 biggest impact.
2) Drink more water - Replace soft drinks with soda water and flavored drops. There are numerous companies that make flavored drops
3) Find something you enjoy - You skateboard, surf, or do other activities outdoors. I like the consistency and ease of going to the gym regularly.
4) Start small - Be realistic. Don't try to be a marathon runner or Mr Olympia right out of the gate. Make small goals so you can actually achieve them. If you don't move at all, start with walking. You can even go for a family walk or go with your child. If your inclined to lift weights, start with a short 10-30 minute routine to get you going. What's motivating is when you start seeing results, you'll want to keep going.
5) Be consistent - Make it part of your family lifestyle. Instead of the fmaily watching a movie, go for a family walk, or a family bike ride.
We thank Max for joining in the conversation. If you would like more info on him or to get in contact:
Website: http://maxwettsteinfitness.com YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/maxewiii Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maxwettstein/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/max_wettstein
Who doesn’t like banking some extra points? While they may go fast, extra points are good karma. There are tons of lists and ideas out there. I have compiled some of my favorites for this episode 107. Here are some easy and inexpensive ways to do things for your woman:
1) Buy her flowers – doesn’t need to be roses or expensive. You don’t need to go to a fancy flower shop either. I know near us, you can get a small bouquet for $7-10 at a grocery store. There are all kinds of options. Bring them home from work for no reason other than saying I love you. Want to score even more points, if she works, have then sent to her work. Women love being appreciated in front of other women.
2) Massage her feet – While often guys will use massage as a way to lead to sex, this is a massage just for the sake of it. Get some lotion. I highly recommend coconut oil. It’s inexpensive and feels good in your hands too.
3) Do a chore or task that is usually hers – For example, if she typically makes dinner, let he know in advance that you will be taking care of dinner tonight and you want her to relax. If you can’t make something, order take out. If she handles laundry, do a load of laundry and offer her the break.
4) Write her a hand note – Express how much you appreciate her and love her. Put the note somewhere where she gets to find it.
5) Make a coupon book – If you want to go bigger, make a coupon book of however many things you want, and allow her to cash those in. There are also some cool, cheap ones …
Who doesn’t like a good birthday party? Well even though we like them, we need to stop with having parties for babies and toddlers. There is simply no solid reasons for having these parties. I’m not talking about acknowledging your child and doing something with the family. Have a special meal, buy them a small cake, whatever. I’m talking about putting together a birthday party. There are a bunch of reasons that people would provide, but I find none of them valid! For this Episode 106, we offer “8 Reasons Why Birthday Parties Should Start After Age 5”:
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The child doesn’t remember anything. Sure they might “recall” some things from pictures or video that was taken, but they won’t remember that you invited 30 people, had amazing food, a bouncy house, and a clown come to visit.
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It’s way too expensive – I know, you can have people bring food, choose a free venue, and have friends do the entertainment. However we still have the other reasons to make up for it. There are just better things to spend your money on.
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The child doesn’t need more stuff – Their room is already a mess and the garage is overflowing with toys. The last thing we need is more stuff. Sure people suggest donating to a charity, planting a tree, or other noble ideas, but let’s just avoid forcing other people to buy stuff on your kid’s behalf.
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The party is for you not the child – I’ve been to so many child parties where the child is crying or even ASLEEP during the party. Yes ASLEEP. The kid doesn’t care. Your’re the one who cars.
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Other people don’t want to come – When you have young kids, the last thing you want is more …
The topic of punishment is a hot topic of debate for parents. In this Episode 105 we explore punishment and whether it is good or bad. We had our own debate in Episode 33 where we talked about punishment. This topic has come up more and more with the dads I talk to and recently in some additional parenting classes I am attending. I can here it now…”When I threaten or do take away my son’s video games, he behaves. Well, I bet he does. It seems quite difficult for people to accept the idea that punishment isn’t the answer to solving your children’s issues, getting them to do something, or when they do something “wrong”. For context here, I’m primarily referring to situations where you may “ground them”, take away their electronics or toys, or provide a long or severe punishment. Telling your child to go to their room can simply be a technique to cool off, both for them and you. The key is the follow up and we’ll touch on that later.
So why do we typically punish our kids? Here are a couple of reasons: – We want to teach them a lesson – We want them be accountable for their actions – We want to correct their behavior
That is what we want the punishment to do. The problem is that punishment doesn’t result in any of those things. So why do we punish our kids? Why do we have the perception that punishment works?
1) We don’t know what else to do? 2) It makes us feel better’ 3) It does and can provide a quick fix…focus on the quick fix 4) It’s easy to do – punishment is easy
So what do we do then if we are not going to punish them? …
While learning how to avoid tantrums is a skill in itself, there are going to be times when they are simply unavoidable. Here is my disclaimer: We are not doctors, nor do we have a license to provide advice. This is solely for entertainment purposes. Use any of these techniques at your own risk. We can’t be responsible for what happens during the tantrum or to your child later in life because of the way you handled the tantrums. This Episode 104 offers 9 ways to diffuse a tantrum:
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Avoidance – Don’t say anything and simply walk away. While this can be difficult in public, if you are home it’s very easy. When they don’t have an audience, the tantrum isn’t as exciting to them. Just walk away into another room. If you are in public, you might be able to walk away but keep an eye on them. As much as you may want to, you don’t want to leave a young child unnattended.
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Throw a tantrum with them – While you may then look just as stupid as they do, that is the point. Get down on the floor and stomp your hands, pound your fists, and show them how rediculous they look. The hope is they realize it’s not a good look.
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Mirror Technique – I have used this with effectiveness. Place the child in front of a mirror or bring a mirror in front of them to they can see how they look. Like having a tantrum with them, it’s showing them it really isn’t effective and it certainly doesn’t look good.
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The Zenmaster – This technique is about staying calm or zen like. Take a few deep breaths and quietly talk to your child. Maybe say to them, “Is there something …
We have an epidemic on our hands. It’s a disease that has been in our society for a long time. It seems impossible to get rid of and looks like it might be here to stay. I’m talking about SWEARING or CURSING.
Today’s topic for Episode 103 is “How to Handle Your Kid Cursing – Your Guide To Minimizing Swearing“ Was it always this bad? Did our parents talk like this? Where did we (and our kids) learn to talk like this?
1) From Us – The way we talk. How many of us have had a word come out of our mouth only to realize the child heard it. Even worse, the child reacting to it. Whether you have said something while you are angry, got hurt, or just to describe something, you realize you made a mistake and can’t take it back.
2) Family Members – While you may have a clean mouth, your wife or another family member may talk like a drunken sailor. “At holiday time, you put a few drinks in Aunt Edna and she is bound to start throwing F bombs.
3) Friends – Whether out in the street or at the playground at school, kids are certainly going to hear (and say) words that they wouldn’t dare repeat at home.
4) Media – TV, movies, and especially the internet all have a huge assortment of colorful language. It’s hard to police everything.
As soon as kids are able to talk, they are able to learn new and exciting words. How do we make sure they learn the right words rather than the wrong ones. Some might argue that the soap or hotsauce in the mouth are good methods. I don’t agree with those. The key is catching it early. Here are …
“All negative emotions, especially anger, depend on your ability to blame someone or something else for something in your life you are unhappy about” – Brian Tracy (famous motivational speaker)
We allow others to effect our emotions. Think of some of the phrases we have heard since we were little and we still pass along to our own kids:
– Don’t say that. It hurts his feelings – The way you are acting is making me really upset. – That hurt my feelings – I can’t believe what she just did. That makes me mad
Of course we mean well when we are trying to teach our kids sensitivity for others. But could we be more impactful from teaching them resiliency?
These are all indicating that the actions of someone else dictated how another person felt. The reality is that we are responsible for our own feelings and how we perceive things. We have the decision to determine if something is bad, good, negatively effects us or makes us happy. We also can make the decision that it doesn’t really effect us at all.
What if we were able to teach our children that despite what others say or do, it doesn’t really effect them. I heard a saying, “I will not have anything break my serenity”. Or for example the saying:
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”
If they were able to truly stick to who they are. They could be happy regardless of what someone says. They would feel great despite the way someone may act towards them.
This is really powerful stuff that effects our children every day. Think about bullying, acceptance among peers, or even causes of suicide. People are so greatly effected by what others say and do. …
For episode 101, Jason’s father Steve joins in on the podcast to discuss 12 reasons why grandfathers are better than fathers. This list assumes the grandparents on not the primary caretaker of the child nor do they take care of them very regularly. The list is really about the grandparents that get to see their grandkids ever so often.
1) They get to feed them sugar and treats and not feel guilty about it. You also can include fast food on this one. Grandparents don’t care if the kids eat some bad stuff. It’s more about enjoying life at that point.
2) They can focus more on the fun. They don’t have to deal with school, chores, or day to day activities. when grandparents are around, it’s about fun.
3) They have plenty of time. They aren’t usually in a hurry to get to the next thing nor are they typically really busy.
4) They are smart. They seem to know so much about the world. They know facts and statistics. Even when they really don’t know what they are talking about, they give the impression they do. Kids eat it up.
5) They know history. For some, they really were alive during the events grandkids learn in school. It can be facinating for a kid to hear a story about being in the war, or when the man went on the moon. This is the real thing.
6) They tell stories. Whether the stories are about war or how milk was 10 cents when they were a kid, they can tell stories like nobody else. In fact they can also tell the same stories over and over.
7) They like giving presents. While we do podcasts about being present instead of giving presents, grandpa can buy the child’s love …
We are celebrating our 100th episiode. I wanted to celebrate the occasion by bringing in my dad, Steve. Even if just for selfish reasons to be able to document this conversation, I think the listeners will gain some valuable insight. I wanted to get the perspective of fatherhood from the previous generation and gather some insight from someone who has now been through the full life cycle of being a dad. He is the father of 3 and the grandfather of 8.…
In this episode 99, we provide tips and techniques on how to teach our children respect. Respect is very close to manners. It’s essential we teach our kids respect for people, places, things, and themselves. Here are some tips:
Create house/family rules – Agree on how you want to handle these kind of situations with your wife. It’s important to be on the same page. Make a chart of family rules: for example – “be nice to each other” “talk with a calm voice” Include the child in the process.
Set realistic expectations – It is easy to overreact. Be careful not to. When your child does something that you feel is not respectful, call them out on it but be calm. There is no need to overreact.
Deal with it when they are young – The longer you wait, the more difficult it is going to be to implement correct behavior.
Start with manners – Teaching them please and thank you when they are very young is a good way to begin teaching respect. You can listen to episode 48 for more information on teaching our kids manners.
Model respectful behavior – When they are yelling, talk calmly. Be firm and respectful towards them. Be sure to listen and be interested in what they are saying. Show respect toward others, especially your spouse and them.
Apologize When You Mess Up – This is really important that they see you recognize that you weren’t being respectful and have an opportunity to fix it.
Don’t take it personally – We have a tendency to take things so personally. The child may lack the skills or practice but they are not typically trying to “get at you”. Act calmly, but don’t ignore it.
Follow Through – If you make a consequence for …
I don’t care whether you have a boy or girl, we as dads should be teaching our kids the following. These are in no particular order or have an age requirement. Just get out there and do it:
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Ride a bike
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Light a match
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Light a barbeque (both gas and charcoal)
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Setup and light a campfire
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Tie a knot
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Use a hammer
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Use a screwdriver
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Setup a tent for camping
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Change a tire
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Iron a shirt
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Bait a fishing line
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Coil a rope, hose, extension cord
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Use a knife for carving
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Tipping – How much, when, who
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Look people in the eye when talking to them
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Throw a ball
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Use a bat
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Kick a ball
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Shoot a basketball
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Swing a golf club
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Bowl a bowling ball
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Throw a punch/defend from a punch
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Lead by example
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Ask for what you want
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Learning to dance is important
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Learn to say no and feel good about it
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How to drive
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Affection is good
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How to use a credit card
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How to handle money
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How to deal with stress
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Skip rocks
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Build a sand castle
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Wash a car
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Fix a bike chain
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Wrestle
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Pump gas
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Wash windows
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Use an alarm clock
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Make food – pasta, soup, nachos
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Ordering at a restaurant
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Pack a suitcase
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Floss and brush their teeth
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Introduce themsevles
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Shakes someones hand
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Shake hands when you lose
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Exercise – push ups, pull ups
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Don’t ever gossip
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Be nice to your mother…
Kids live in the moment. Cleaning takes them away from the moment of fun they could be having.
We don’t cover “chores” or giving kids money for doing things they are supposed to do. Many parents get so frustrated with the topic, they just end up doing everything themselves. The reality is that kids are way more capable than we give them credit for. It is also up to us to teach them how to clean up after themselves and take care of things.
We suggest establishing some overall cleaning ideas and rules:
As a family we are a team. We all help each other. Positive attitude. We take pride in our home and appreciate the things we have
Define clearly what is expected – how often, define exactly what needs to be done. Like “Make your bed, put clothes in hamper, etc. Keep things organized – It is easier to keep clean when things have designated places. For example, there may be a large toy bin where certain toys go. Or all stuffed animals are on a shelf. Whatever it may be. Set a good example – not putting my computer case or lunch bad away would not set a good example. also try to pretend like it’s not that bad…maybe that you even enjoy it. Verbalize your appreciation – “Thank you so much for cleaning up your food” Be direct – Don’t be needy or anxious
I think there are 4 categories: Food, Toys, Clothes, & Room
Food
Establish a favorite cup and/or plate. Use the same one for every drink/meal.
All trash must be thrown away before anything else is eaten
If they are old enough to walk, they can bring dishes to sink. At 4-5 years old, they should clean the dishes and put in dishwasher.
…
I am not sure how it evolved, I’m sure the product of my childhood, but I grew up thinking everything was supposed to be perfect. If it wasn’t, then something is wrong. Still as an adult, I struggle with this. I must be a perfect husband. I have to be a perfect father, etc. While striving for positivity and growth is good, it can also be a no-win situation. If you don’t have self-acceptance, you are screwed.
I also fellt like those around me should be perfect as well. When we create these kind of expectations, we will never be happy, satisfied, and we certainly won’t create value and support for those around us. You are setting everyone up to fail.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. When we mess up or our kids mess up, we really don’t want to be corrected. We more than likely want empathy, maybe some re-assurance, and some love. Recently my 8 year old son was doing an activity he really enjoys. Something he is really good at. However he made a mistake and the outcome was not what he wanted. He was really upset at himself. I totally saw myself in him at that moment. I am really hard on myself as well. My parents never really needed to say anything about my grades or sports. I was really hard on myself. Certainly as a parent, I did not need to correct him and point out his mistake. I did not intervene and instead saw him work to recover himself from the situation.
I thought for quite a while what I would want someone to say to me when this happens. I would want to know that making mistakes are ok.
After the situation was done, I said to him, …
Last year we offered resolutions for dads relating to their kids. This time we are offering dads resolutions to implement in their marriage.
1) Go out on dates
2) Give her compliments – not just physical
3) Tell her why you appreciate her – “I really appreciate you making dinner. I know it’s a lot of work”
4) Offer empathy – try to put yourself in her shoes
5) Listen instead of talking
6) Do not criticize her – If you have an issue, say what you do like rather than what you don’t
7) Create technology free time
8) Notice her differences than you as positive – ying/yang, opposites attract
9) If something in the relationship is bothering you, communicate about it in a positive way
10) When she tells you something you don’t like, refrain from reacting. – Realize if you react negatively, she will begin to keep things from you.
11) Do random acts of service for her – clean something
12) Learn to be happier with yourself – Be less dependent on her for your happiness.
13) Kiss more – 10 second kiss
14) Say I love you more…
When you look back at the holidays, what do you remember most? Do you remember the gifts? Do you remember a location you were at or something you did? You remember the celebrations, the activities you did, the people you were around. You create memories. I think I might be able to remember a couple of gits out of all of the years of holidays. And my parents were really generous.
The holidays are typically the time of year when people do spend time together – even when they don’t want to. sometimes they feel like they have to. For many however, it is a wonderful feeling to spend time together. I know I love spending time with my family. I don’t say that because they are listening
While we all can feel the joy of giving and receiving gifts, typically that feeling is short term. When we create memories, they can last forever. We also can take pictures and video to help us remember.
As my wife and I began collecting the thousand of presents delivered from Amazon. Multiple new packages seems to be showing up each day, we recently had a discussion about creating the tradition where we will spend time together (go on a small vacation or getaway with the kids) as their present. While getting some small things may be ok, spending money on “THINGS” seems like such a waste. The kids play with toys for a small amount of time, grow out of their clothes in no time, and simply just have too much stuff. Of course every family is different, but for most
Her and I already agree that for our own birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays we prefer to “do stuff” rather than receive stuff. So we are going to begin introducing this concept …
For episode 93, we offer 55 Tips For New Dads. You don’t have to go on this journey without information. Study these tips and be prepared for the road ahead of you.
- Get sleep when you can
- Talk about expectations before the baby arrives – expectations for the baby and each other
- Buy butt paste for the baby – Use it at every changing
- Put your baby at an angle, not flat….while sleeping, resting, eating
- You may have trouble bonding with the baby for a while…could be months.
- Go on dates with your wife – You or she mnay not even want to, but do it anyway
- Always have wipes handy
- Always carry an extra diaper, or two
- Join a dad’s group such as Dudes To Dads – talk about issues you are facing
- Hold your child as much as you can
- Don’t judge her day against yours if she stays home with the baby – You will not win
- When your child smiles at you for the first time, you won’t believe how amazing it feels
- When they say “dad” or “dadda” for the first time, you’ll wish you could bottle up how that feels. It’s even better than the smile.
- Get to know your pediatrician – You will probably be calling them a few times even when you don’t need to
- If people want to give you used clothing take it. They grow out of things so fast.
- Try to get yourself in the pictures and video with your kids – We often take pictures and videos of them but try to get yourself in the shot. It’s much more meaningful down the road.
- Create memories rather than getting gifts
- …
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One of the items in the last episode about fighting depression with gratitude was to switch a negative thought you might have into a positive. I wanted to broaden this concept and apply it to our kids for this episode 92.
It is really important for our children to hear what they are doing right. Focus on the good things your child does, not the things they aren’t doing.
For most of my career, my job was to find the mistakes that companies are making in their online marketing or business operations and fix them. I have trained myself over years and years to find the things that aren’t working. This is a dangerous skill to bring to your personal life. If you are routinely looking at what doesn’t work in your relationships or with your kids, you will continue to find things that don’t work and be focused very much on the negative. Sure it can be helpful to find things not going well and try to fix them, but you are still constantly looking at what is in front of you as broken.
Our kids are not broken. I admit I am guilty of this. For example, in our house when I come home from work, the first things I see are toys, clothes, or other items that are on the floor or not where they are supposed to be. I can’t even count the number of times the first thing out of my mouth is “why is your toy in this room on the floor? Where does your jacket, shoes, backpack, doll, or whatever supposed to go? This is a constant theme in our house. These words may even come out of my mouth before I say “hello” or “how was your day?”
I’m going to guess …
Let’s face it, as a dad (or any human for that matter) you have good days and bad days. For those that seem to have more bad days than good, this episode is for you. Now I am not a doctor so I am not providing medical advice. This may not be the answer for someone with severe depression or a serious illness. For that you will want to seek mental attention. What I am proposing is a way to get you out of your funk.
We talked about teaching our children gratitude in episode 80. The most important way to teach your children gratitude is to model it yourself.
When you are in the midst of feeling crappy, it can be extremely difficult to see the light and imagine what it is like to feel good. Whether you are having problems in your relationship, your kids are driving you crazy, your job isn’t going well….whatever it is, I ask you try fighting the depression with gratitude. I can tell you first hand that this has worked for me.
Here are some things you can do to begin feeling gratitude. We can start with baby steps:
1) Go buy a journal or a notebook.
2) When you wake up in the morning ask yourself, what is one thing in my life that I am grateful for? You must write down “I am grateful for ______ and be sure to include because. For example, I am grateful for my family because they love me unconditionally. If you have problems thinking of something, then write down that you are breathing, that you had an opportunity to sleep, that you have a roof over your head, that you have food in the house. It only takes one positive thought to begin getting on …
The last episode asked the women to take action. With Episode 90 we are now back to our regular scheduled programming and working on dads and what we can do.
14 Ways to Help Your Wife After The Child is Born
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Have a meeting and divide the labor. Agree on who is doing what.
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When you get home from work, immediately take the baby from her hands
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Bring her flowers and tell her they are for being an amazing mom. Include a card.
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Hire someone to clean the house. If you can’t afford it, you clean it.
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Give her a spa day. That means massage, facial, nails, hair, whatever. If you can’t afford that, give her a “free day” where she is obligated to do nothing except something she wants to do.
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Arrange for a babysitter and take her out to dinner. If you can’t afford a sitter, get family or exchange with a friend. There is always someone who would be willing to watch the child.
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Let her sleep. Most likely she is sleep deprived. If you can do it on a regular basis that is great. Maybe you get up early Saturday mornings so she can sleep in. Have this be a part of the meeting.
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Let her know she is beautiful. She may not believe it, but it’s important. This may sound something like “It’s so amazing watching you with our child. You are really beautiful.” Do it regularly.
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Don’t take irrational behavior personally. Her hormones can be crazy, her behavior erratic, and her responses not very friendly. Take it with a grain of salt. Don’t take abuse but also know that it’s some other personality doing the talking for her.
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Give her a massage (without expecting …
We have talked about how men can be more supportive to their spouse during and after pregnancy. What if he is not doing it? What is they the guy is clueless? A pain point with women is they often feel their men aren’t involved enough. As men, we might not even know what to do. I don’t think it’s often a conscious choice.
However, the last thing on a woman’s mind when she is breastfeeding a 3 month old, is that she should cater to the guy’s needs. But is she wants him to be more involved and take an active role, it may be up to her to take action.
Understand the purpose of this is empowerment to the women. You are able to take charge of the situation.
Here are 7 Tips to Get Your Husband More Involved With the Baby:
Attention – Try to find a balance time between spouse and child. When the child comes along, men often feel (and are) third in line. Things light date nights are important. Appreciation – Provide him positive re-inforcement. Replace criticism with praise. Understand there is more than just “your way” to do things – When he tries to help, be ok with his method, style, or way of doing things. Do family activities – Go to the park, go for walks, just doing something together. He gets to participate and feel like it’s one unit, not you and the baby against him. Have a meeting to divide the labor – Give him tasks like bathing and feeding and write out the chores, and work each other are going to take on. Ask for help – This is basic but yet really difficult for many women. Provide instruction so he knows exactly what is expected. Take time away from
…
In episode 88 we are joined by Jim, father of a special needs child TJ. His son is now 22 years old and he talks about the learning experiences he had, the impact his child has had on him, and suggestions on important actions to take when you child has special needs. While his son had learning disabilities and his motor skills are slower, Jim put forth tremendous effort for his son to have a “normal” life.
Here are 5 Tips on Raising a Special Needs Child:
- Have patience – If you want someone to learn, you need to be patient. You must catch yourself before you lose focus of the child and what is important.
- Presence – You must be a big part of their life. This means being present within their school, activities, and daily life. You must live in the moment.
- Allowing more independence – Whether special needs or not, we often do much more for our children than they need. They are very capable. An important point for Jim was that he would have wished he allowed his son to do more for himself and possibly fail more often. Failing and learning from your mistakes is important.
- Keeping your child social – Have your child interact with others regularly. Many times they prefer to be solitary but it’s essential to have friends, participate in activities such as music, sports, art, or other interests.
- Education – While continuing education of your child is crucial to development, it’s also essential as a dad, you continue to educate yourself about your child’s situation.…
We complain to get things “off our chest” not to resolve problems of fix things. This makes our complaints worthless. For example, we often complain about people: whether it is co-workers, spouse, or even our kids. However the complaining typically isn’t even to the people or person that can effect the outcome.
We complain about traffic, food, friends, customer service, etc. How often are our complaints really reaching someone who can help fix it? If you are out to dinner with your spouse and you complain to them about the food, they can’t fix it. You need to tell the server in order for it to be fixed.
Jason provides the example of traffic. His kids started complaining about traffic and he noticed that they obviously got that from him.
We have issues and complaints all day long. The accumulation of frustration and helplessness from daily complaints impacts our moods and overall mental health. Chronic complainers think the world is out to get them
Here are 5 ways to reduce complaining:
1) Recognize a complaint 2) Put a rubberband on your wrist and snap it each time you complain. 3) Practice mindfullness – practice yoga and/or meditation 4) Learn to be grateful – I found an app that prompts me each day 5) Make a change – if you can affect the outcome, then take action. If you can’t, ask yourself if the complaining helps the situation
For kids, there would typically be reasons (which are important to them) that they are complaining: They may feel disconnected, they don’t like the change in location, or they just simply are not getting what they want.
Here are a few things you can do:
1) Be calm and try to look at it from their perspective 2) Use empathy to validate their …
Children look to their parents as examples. When parents don’t participate, the kids see this and may copy the behavior…choosing not to participate in things. I was talking to someone recently and they said they always thought there parents were boring because they never dressed up for Halloween or other holidays. While you may accept being boring, the are benefits to parents having fun with their kids:
builds a family identity creates confidence in the children strengthens internal bonds can create lasting traditions less behavior problems, drug abuse, teen issues
For you as a dad personally:
reduce stress levels increase serotonin (makes you happy) create better relationships with your kids score a few points with the wife
Ways to have fun – you’ll notice none of these involve electronicsor TV
Playing Games – Board games, hide and seek Food – Eating meals at a restaurant, picnic at a park, eating outside, having them help you cook Creative projects – carving pumpkins, using sidewalk chalk on the street Vacation – from camping to a luxury resort, there may be something to do for everyone. Sporting Events – doesn’t even have to be pro, it could be college or even high school sports
Tips for success
Brand the event – Instead of just game night, call it the “Smith Family Game Bonanza” It’s also crucial to set aside time to have fun. Put fun in the calendar. Make then regular activities. Do it weekly, monthly, or whatever makes sense Ask your children what they want to do too. What you think is fun may not be the same for them.
…
Why Do Kids Lie? You can’t take it personally or feel that you have failed as a parent. Kids are going to lie and try to push boundaries. It’s totally normal for them to lie. Whether they want attention or want to avoid something bad they all do it.
The reasons they lie varies based on age.
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2 to 4) They don’t yet understand where truth begins and ends. Reality is a little unclear
School-Age and Big Kids (Ages 5 to 8) Often lie about school, classes, homework, teachers, and friends Often lie because the responsibilities are too much. There is too much pressure
Tweens (Ages 9 to 12) To avoid getting in trouble Getting better at maintaining lies More senstive to repercussions May be important to teach them situations where being completely honest isn’t polite….like when someone cooks food for you and asks if you like it.
Here are some links of the articles we reference: http://time.com/3628783/lying-punishment-kids-lie-more-study/ How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens
Researchers traced the effectiveness of punishment in 372 kids between the ages of 4 and 8, finding that children were less likely to tell the truth when threatened with punishment, and more likely to tell the truth when they thought it would please an adult.
Don’t punish a child for telling a lie. Encourage them to tell the truth.
Here are a few ways to encourage honesty from a supernanny article:
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Calmly name the issue but don’t demand confessions. Never call your child a liar or bring up the past.
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Try to understand why your child is finding it hard to be honest. Avoiding diclipline, pressure
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Teach your child about why lying doesn’t work. The boy who cried wolf
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Respond with clear consequences. Very …
In episode 84 we explore the 4 styles of parenting: authoritarian, permissive, neglectful, and authoritative. We examine how to recognize each style and how each style effects the child.
1) Authoritarian Parenting – strict, rely on obedience. Structure. Rules and structure are good but typically authoritarian’s take it too far.
How to recognize Authoritarian parenting? – Do you use punishment to get your kids to do something you ask? – Not alot of being warm and fuzzy toward the child – Do you have strict rules that need to be followed? – Use the term “Because I said so”
What does Authoritarian parenting do to kids? Low self-esteem difficulty in social situations misbehaving outside of parental site fearful or shy associate obedience with love
2) Permissive Parenting – also known as indulgent, responsive but not demanding, avoid confrontation, lack of structure. This style is nurturing and loving but doesn’t provide any structure.
How to recognize Permissive parenting? – Do you avoid conflict with your child? – You want to be their friend rather than parent – Use rewards or bribes to get them to do things
What does Permissive parenting do to kids? Teens are 3X more likely to engage in underage heavy alcohol consumption poor social skills lack of discipline poor academic performance lack of motivation problems with authority
3) Neglectful / Uninvolved – probably the most harmful. It’s typically not cause by children’s behavior. Parents with this style need help. The good news is that it can be helped.
How to recognize Neglectful / Uninvolved parenting: – Do you know what is going on in your child’s life? – Is the home a safe place? – Do you spend a lot of time away from home leaving the child alone? – Do you spend any time …
This is a Public service announcement for women. Please pass this podcast along to every woman you know.
Women, let dads parent their own kids! If they aren’t asking for help, don’t help them. I share a story of my daughter being upset before school last year. She had misplaced or lost something she needed before school and was crying. I was using my parenting techniques, offering empathy, kneeling down to help, and listening to what was wrong. I got this!
A mom who knows my daughter comes over and begins talking to my daughter right in front of me. It was almost as if I didn’t exist. It would be different if she said “do you want me to try and talk to her?” I would have said no, I got this but thank you for asking. As men we interpret this as she thinks we are completely incapable of parenting our child or handling the situation.
I asked my wife if something like this has ever happen to her and she said no. It’s happen to me multiple times.
It then happened again recently. This time my daughter forgot some event that day and wore the wrong shoes. It was ok because we had both pairs but for whatever reason for a 6 year old it was a big deal. I totally got this! I once again re-assured my daughter we would be able to solve it. A mom sees her crying and immediately feels the need to come over and step in front of me.
These types of situations happen all the time. A dad in our meetup group runs a “stay at home” dad meetup. He indicated that as a stay at home dad, he encounters women commenting on the capabilities or making sarcastic comments quite …
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears wrote an article on 20 ways to deal with sibling rivalry. We touch on these tips and discuss their meaning and how we can incorporate them into our lives.
- Make friends before birth
- Make the older sibling feel important
- Time share
- Stay Positive
- Begin the day in harmony
- Raise sensitive siblings: in charge, comforter, minister, teacher, co-workers, co-sleepers, entertainer
- Set Limits – no disturbing the peace
- Hold family meetings
- Humor is the best medicine
- Foster a team spirit
- Promote empathy
- Promote gender sensitivity
- Ignore smallies; address biggies – let them handle it themselves
- Children do not have to be treated equally – they are individuals
- Every child is a favorite
- Minimize comparions
- Referee quarrels
- When in doubt, intervene
- Listen to both sides – be careful of creating a victim
- Siblings are forever…
When you have a baby, your primary focus is getting the baby to sleep through the night. When you have a toddlers, they love to keep coming out of their room, they need 400 stuffed animals, their bed needs to be perfect, etc. For young children, they just seem to delay the process as long as possible. I need to figure out what I can do to improve the process. I found some tips based on brain science by Katherine Eskovitz
Too little of sleep causes serious problems for children. Studies suggest that every 15 minutes less sleep for high schoolers means a drop of one letter grade. Lack of sleep contributes to bad moods, sickness, depression, and even obesity.
Here are some tips:
1) Create a night time Routine together – eat, bath/shower, pajamas, brush teeth, read, sleep. Let them help plan it 2) Start a good night journal – great way to clear the brain, can reduce nightmares. Make sense of our experiences, help with control 3) Dim the lights and stay away from electronics – light lowers melatonin levels, eliminate TV, computers, etc. at least 60 minutes before bedtime 4) Play a short bedtime game – Two truths one fake – talk about the day 5) Listen to a good-night talk or make your own – guided talk that focuses on relaxation – or make your own 6) Change scary thoughts into silly thoughts – Change the scary creature into something funny – like a monster but it has stripes 7) Remember to hug a favorite stuffed animal – stuffed animals can really help reduce nighttime fears 8) Follow the SAME PLAN with the SAME BEDTIME each night – children thrive on consistency. It’s not just number of hours, but also consistent time is critical for developing …
In a recent Huffington Post article, Paula Spencer Scott of Kinstantly.com wrote about Psychologist Jeffrey Froh, a professor and leading gratitude researcher who wrote a book called “Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character. He wrote about this thing called “culture of appreciation”. In order to do this we have to recognize 3 things:
1) The intent: that somebody put me first 2) The cost: what someone gave up for me 3) The benefit: what I got out of it
An example you would say to your child: “Hey Rosemary, that was pretty nice of Sara to help you with your math when she knew you were struggling [intent] I can’t beleive she gave up for soccer time to help you [cost] – but how great that you now know your four times-tables [benefit]
Here are 14 Tips to Help Children Be Grateful:
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Teach them to say Thank You – We do this when they are very little
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Have them write a thank you note – birthdays, holidays
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Read books or poems about gratitude – Go to Amazon and type in gratitude books for kids
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Share stories about their past
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Share stories about their family history
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At a meal, everyone shares something they are thankful for. We do this at Thanksgiving, but I can see it needs to be done more often.
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Write or say what they are thankful about someone within their own family
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Notice little things, like in nature
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Have them make something for someone else – draw a picture, build something
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Have them do something nice for a neighbor – rake leaves, wash their car, take out their trash
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Give them experiences versus stuff
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Help them figure out what matters to them – …
Episode 79 is inspired by this article written by Patty Wipfler.
Whining children are communicating important information – usually they feel powerless, or they feel alone.
It often happens shortly after being disconnected to the parent or caregiver. Things like cooking dinner, talking to a friend, or anything where they are not paid attention to can bring it on.
Once they feel disconnected, small things can feel big: getting dressed, brushing teeth, having to say goodbye. They would rather continue what they are currently doing.
Whining Children have real needs – They must feel connected to you. When they don’t, their behavior goes wacky.
Whining children have feeling that won’t be rational – The feelings can come up even at the end of playing…and they can be from the day before or another time.
Whining children aren’t trying to manipulate you – He’s just telling you he needs help. Picture him saying “I want a cookie” but meaning “please say no. I need a good cry with your arms around me.
Help your child connect again – They need the emotional outlet before they get a sense you are on their side. After the tantrum, laughter, scream, they can take charge again.
Try filling your child’s request once – You can’t be sure it will solve the issue if it’s about connecting, but worth a shot. help them once. Get their toy, help them get dressed, whatever it is.
If he’s not satisfied, offer closeness and a clear limit. Say no with a big smile and even a kiss on the cheek. If they persist, do it again with more affection. At some point the affection your offering will move them toward laughter or tanturm and either are good for them. Sometimes they just need to cry or have the …
Content inspired by this great About.com article on grandparents.
Grandparents can spoil your kids in a good way: by providing love, affection, and time. However, they can also spoil your kids in a negative way: gifts, letting them rule the house, or doing things they know the parents wouldn’t like.
Dr. Ellen, Jason’s mother, used to say “What happens at grandma’s house, stays at grandma’s house.” According to Susan Adcox, grandparent expert, words like that can teach children deceitfulness and lack of respect for the parents.
Here are some ways Grandparents spoil kids:
In the Buy Category Buy innapropriate things Buy too many things Gifts are better than the parents Buying expensive gifts – electronics Don’t match parents values Spend money on things parents think is wasteful when the money can be saved
Food or Consumption Treats like ice cream or Candy Pizza Fast food
Here is what needs to be done: With anything, you need to pick your battles. Are there some things you may not like but can be ok with for the sake of not creating an argument? Also be sure it is the direct parent/grandparent having these discussions. Do not have the discussion with in-laws.
1) Define your expectations – what is the role you want them to play? Have the talk even before the child is born
2) Set boundaries/rules – explain the importance of them respecting your rules. For the grandparent who buys gifts, it may mean saying “we don’t have guns or weapons in our house, I would appreciate you respecting that”.
3) Respect their time /effort – are your expectations realistic? Don’t abuse the resource. Don’t ask them to drop whatever they are doing and watch the child?
4) Make it a combination of fun time and babysitting time – You …
It’s back to school time. This means routines, schedules, and chaos. You must listen to this episode! It’s really important that parents, teachers, and administration hear this.
We first discuss some of the benefits of homework,
10 Benefits of Homework by John Bishop, Author of Goal Setting For Students: Homework teaches students about time management. Homework teaches students how to set priorities. Homework helps teachers determine how well the lessons and material are being understood by their students. Homework teaches students how to problem solve. Homework gives students another opportunity to review the class material. Homework gives parents a chance to see what their child is learning in school. Homework teaches students that they have to do things, even when they don’t want to. Homework teaches students how to take responsibility for their part in the educational process. Homework teaches students how to work independently. Homework teaches students the importance of planning, staying organized and taking action.
I won’t argue that these are good things to learn, but there are other ways to learn these items too. For elementary school kids, I think there are more engaging and interesting ways to learn.
2 really powerful people in this arena:
Harris Cooper of Duke University – considered the country’s leading homework researcher has published numerous studies around homework.
Sara Bennett – Co-author of The Case Against Homework started stophomework.com Was successful in changing rules at her kid’s schools
Here are two articles that really help explain the research findings:
http://www.healthline.com/health-news/children-more-homework-means-more-stress-031114 Why Parents Should Not Make Kids Do Homework
Research is suggesting that for elementary school children, homework provides no extra benefit. For middle school, they are suggesting that the benefit is minimal. In fact it’s actually having a negative effect……it’s effecting children’s attitude toward school. It can effect their grades, …
This episode 76 is about dealing with picky eaters. We had the pleasure of being joined by Jason’s son Kasen who sat in on the episode to provide his input on the topic. The episode was inspired by this parents.com article. While I thought simply ‘starving’ the child for a meal or two will get them to eat, experts say this is not a good idea. Simply being hungry won’t make a kid overcome his fears about eating foods he doesn’t like, and his anxiety can make him feel even less hungry, says Nancy Zucker, Ph.D., director of the Duke Eating Disorders Center.
Here are 19 Tips to Deal With Picky Eaters 1) Respect your child’s lack of appetite (don’t force, don’t bribe) 2) Make food less scary – go in steps, look at it, smell it 3) Provide small portions 4) Explore foods without eating – Talk about foods, learn about food, let them explore 5) You plan the menu – pair things they like with new things 6) Stick to schedule – The best you can – make mealtime and snacks regular times (juice, milk, and snacks will make meals less appealing) Cut back on snacking 7) Talk about the food’s color, shape, or smell. Don’t talk about the taste 8) Make it fun – cut food into shapes, bright colors, breakfast for dinner, dinner for breakfast, etc. Change the presentation 9) Don’t push too hard – don’t make mealtime stressful 10) Have your child help select healthy foods like fruits and vegetables 11) Have them help with the cooking 12) Add instead of replacing – pasta with butter, add a few noodles with red sauce 13) Eat good foods yourself – monkey see, monkey do 14) Be creative – Deceptively Delicious (Jessica Seinfeld) 15) Keep focused …
Let’s face it, we all get angry. For kids in particular, knowing what anger is and how to deal with it can be tremendously difficult. Heck, for many adults it’s difficult. In this Episode 75, we have Jason’s daughter Farrah sitting in on the conversation.
This episode is inspired by an article in Physchology Today written by Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids:
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Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there is no emergency. Keeping yourself calm will help them be calm.
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Remind yourself that tantrums are nature’s way of helping small people let off steam. They still don’t really understand how to regulate anger. They are learning. Even as adults we often don’t do it right. Empathy works really good here.
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Remember that anger comes from our “fight, flight or freeze” response. Feels like the end of the world to them. It’s protecting themselves from hurt.
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Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe, while acknowledging the anger and staying compassionate. “You can stomp your feet to show me how mad you are, but I won’t let you hit me.” It is not ok to hit.
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Set limits on actions only, not on feelings. I’m sorry this is so hard…You’re saying I never understand you…that must feel so terrible and lonely.”
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Keep yourself safe. “I see you are really angry, you can hit the pillow or bed, but I won’t let you hit me. You’re saying I never understand you…that must feel so terrible and lonely.”
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Stay as close as you can. When you are ready for a hug I’m here. When they say Go away, you can respond with “I’m going to move back a step, ok?”
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Don’t try to reason or explain. It’s not a …
What does it mean to be more present? How can dads become more present with their children, at work, and in their relationship? For Episode 74, we interview Johnny Blackburn, a Professional Development Coach & Group Facilitator. With an original background in Management Consulting, Johnny went back for his Master’s in Psychology and he has been coaching individuals for the last 9 years. He is a certified professional coach with the International Coaching Federation and works in the trenches facilitating dudes in men’s groups for the past 5 years. If you are interested in getting in touch with Johnny for coaching, speaking, or one of his men’s groups, you can reach him through his website at johnnyblackburn.net.
In this Episode we discuss the importance of presence in our lives, but more importantly, Johnny provides actionable tips and advice on how to be more present. Being present affects how we work, how we interact with our kids, and our marriage. Listen to this very informative interview and learn how you can incorporate being more present in your life. Here are a few of the topics we cover:
What is presence & why does it matter? What about presence at work? How does that affect or job life? What is the number one quality women want in men? (You can probably guess this answer) 3 practical things I can do to be more present
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Episode 73 is about Building & Leaving a Legacy. I get the impression that Legacy isn’t important for everyone. I would be curious to talk to someone who is not interested in a legacy. There are many famous people who have made statements about not caring about a legacy. I think in the world of entertainment, people may think if they want legacy, they are bragging or boasting about how good they are.
It’s usually defined by what is left after you are gone. However it is created while you are still here. I think there are multiple facets of legacy. There is the legacy I want to have as a father….and there is also the legacy as a person in total. Some people may define their legacy as what they do in the business world. Others will define it as the impact they have on society.
I think the concept of legacy hit me when my mother passed away 5 years ago. Realizing how many people she helped and impacted really made me look beyond just my family and ask myself, “What am I doing to make this world a better place?” Is my job making an impact? This really was the start of Dudes To Dads. It was to figure out my own questions but also be able to reach out and provide help for others.
So this concept of legacy is now part of my life. Can we make this place better than when we found it?
Jim Rohn, well known and very successful personal development guru had these 9 principles for a successful life and a lasting legacy:
- Life is best lived in service to others – family co-workers, friends. We don’t need to neglect ourselves in the meantime, but we should put a …
One of the major things we do as soon to be dad or being a new dad is Worry. This comes in all different forms. We worry about their health, their sleep, that they are going to the bathroom, all kinds of stuff. Probably the biggest area of worry and concern is the safety of your child. Episode 72 is all about safety.
I recall being so delicate with my first child (my son). It was like he was a porcelain doll. I was so careful picking him up, setting him down. Being so careful with everything. You are constantly worried about their safety.
In this episode we cover 2 major areas of safety: Care Seats & Baby Proofing the House
This episode came about because my son just turned 8 this past weekend. In California, at age 8, you now longer need a booster seat. He can also sit in the front seat. It’s a major change in his world and was pretty exciting for him. It also makes it a little easier for us as it’s one less thing to worry about having everywhere you go.
1) Car Seats I’m not sure if it is like this everywhere, but our hospital required to check out our car seat to make sure we had one before we could take the baby out of the hospital. If you have never been around kids, figuring it out for the first time can be a little difficult. They make them pretty simple now with all kinds of detachable features and options.
If you don’t know how to do it, you can visit a police station and ask for a child passenger safety technician
There are also Child Safety Seat Fitting Stations
California Law –
Children under the age of 8 must be
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Episode 71 highlights some topics you definitely should talk about with your partner before you have a baby. Prior to getting into the details, we talk about Jason son’s birthday party and the awesome Michael Jackson impersonator that entertained everyone. There was an An Article on parents.com that lists 10 things you should discuss prior to having the baby:
1. Is Now the Right Time? It’s never a perfect time. Dr. Alan Singer wrote “Creating Your Perfect Family Size” and has a 92 question test to evaluate yourself.
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The division of baby duties – Baths, bedtime stories, diaper changing, feedings, etc.
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Should You Co-Sleep? SIDS, Academy of Pediatrics says no. you have to decide what is right for you. Sharing your room?
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Circumcision if a boy? – They say it’s on a decline. Religious or cultural reasons. Or if dad has it, you want him to look like dad.
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Should you bank you baby’s cord blood? Collecting stem cells
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Will You Teach Your Child a Certain Religion?
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Cloth Diapers or Disposables – $1500 – $2,000 on disposables per year, $300-$800 for cloth
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Who will care for your child? – Nanny, Babysitters, daycare, Family
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Will you breastfeed? or Formula? – Great, promotes bonding, provides nutrients, and much lower costs
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Type of Discipline – Spanking, positive re-inforcement…
For Episode 70, we welcome Scott Kilian, Certified Financial Planner and “Certified Dad”. We discuss a Forbes article that talks about the importance o teaching kids about money. Here are some of the topics we go over:
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Model Good Behavior – What you say is important but it’s more important about what you do.
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Don’t Say “We Can’t Afford It”. Instead say “This is how we choose to spend our money”
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Involve Kids In Household Shopping – Allow them to hold the list or use coupons
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Don’t Take Kids Shopping For Fun – Don’t overexpose them to leisure shopping
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Bring Your Kids To The Bank With You – Open an account and encourage questions
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Don’t Use Credit Cards Around Kids – Cash is more visual. The magic card gets you everything you want versus seeing you can buy with what you have in your hand.
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Give an Allowance – We debate a bit about this one and don’t necessarily agree with the article.
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Don’t Give Your Kids Loans – Simply don’t spend more than you have
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Talk about Money Regularly and Casually – Money shouldn’t be scary
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Don’t Downplay The Importance of Money – don’t pretend it’s not important. Instill from an early age that handling money in a smart and generous way is one of the most important aspects of a successful life.
To get in touch with Scott Kilian directly, you can email him at s.kilian@lpl.com…
Not all divorce rates are created equal. There are numerous factors that can contribute to divorce. An article by Glenn Stanton provides some interesting statistics regarding divorce.
Cohabitation: cohabiting couples have a 50-80 percent higher likelihood of divorce than non-cohabiting couples.
Age: those who marry after age eighteen have a 24 percent reduced risk of divorce.
Age Difference: marriages where there is a significant difference in age have twice the risk of divorce than those in which the couples are close in age.
Education: only 27 percent of college graduates will divorce by middle age.
Family Background: having parents who have never divorced reduces divorce risk by 14 percent.
Marital History: being previously divorced markedly elevates one’s risk of divorce.
Income: having a collective annual household income of $50,000 or more is associated with a 30 percent lower divorce risk.
Beliefs: going into a marriage with husband and wife holding a strong personal conviction that marriage is for life protects against divorce.
Desire for Children: a marriage in which the wife desires children but the husband does not is at a 50 percent greater risk of divorce.
Sexual History: marrying as non-virgins is associated with “considerably higher” risk of divorce and “dramatically more unstable first marriages.”
Smoking: couples in which one partner smokes and the other does not are markedly more likely to divorce compared to couples in which neither spouse does. Marriages in which both smoke were more than twice as likely to dissolve compared with non-smoking couples.
Another article had some surprising statistics about divorce in America:
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Someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds
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Those who marry when between the ages of 20 to 24 have the highest rate of divorce. These couples are nearly twice as likely to get divorced as those who get …
Disclaimer: This entire episode is full of stereotypes, gender bias, and more. It goes against many things we typically talk about on the podcast. But it’s fun. …and to my wife: I love you.
1) Dads are better at playing – We just have more fun with kids than moms do. We like to get dirty, run, jump, or kick and throw things around.
2) Dads are better at rough housing – Activities like wrestling. A friend once said all the worlds problems can be solved by wrestling. We just enjoy it more.
3) Dads are funnier – We just are. Have you heard mom’s tell jokes? They are typically only funny to other moms. And often not that funny.
4) Dads are more relaxed – Well maybe not in my house, but in other houses they probably are.
5) Dads get the kids to listen more – While it could be the higher likelihood of louder and deeper voices (which can be scary), we prefer to think it’s just our skills and the way we communicate.
6) Dads are better at winning stuff – Going to fair and need to win a stuffed animal? Give the darts, baseballs, or water gun to dad
7) Dads are better at sound effects – As you may hear occasionally on this show, we just have a knack for making sounds with our mouths. Mom’s just don’t do that. It can be very entertaining to babies and toddlers. This also applies to character voices in books.
8) Dads are better at letting kids push their boundaries – Dads are more likely to allow their kids to be in a little more danger than mom would
9) Dads are better at skipping rocks – Heck, let’s just make this one better at throwing and …
The reason for this episode is not that I needed to complain or get something off my chest. It really is intended so that dads out there listening understand that what they are feeling, is very common and they are not alone.
A lot of people struggle, including myself, with trying to figure life out. I think that the time when your kids are young, from newborn to 3-4 is the hardest.
Of course it is always easy to compare yourself to others and what you see around you. This guy has more money, that guy seems to have a great marriage, that other guy always seems happy.
Remember, it’s not about what level of anything you achieved, but your self acceptance of that level. If you are always trying to attain perfection or even lofty goals, you may never achieve acceptance of where you are.
This doesn’t mean you can’t improve things but what if you took a different approach. What if you looked at the various components of your life and evaluated where you were in the past and where you are now. Jason goes on to give the example o the podcast and comparing where it was a year ago with where it is now.
Here are the 4 areas that are covered in the episode:
1) Professionally – Our job or career. Are we doing our life’s purpose or are we doing this because it pays our bills? It’s really difficult if you aren’t doing something you enjoy. If you are an entrepreneur, it can be even more difficult. So what do you do? Ask yourself, what do other people often say you are good at? That’s probably what you should be doing. Even if you make less money, it may be worth exploring to …
It’s crazy how many times a child is told no in a given day. Episode 66 shares ideas on how to say “No” in a way that your child will respond better to. It’s important to tell your child what to do instead of what not to do. This episode is inspired by the article: http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/discipline-without-saying-no/ written by Mike Mitchell.
Here are some examples:
– Instead of saying “no running”, say “walk”.
– “I know you like ice cream, but eating too much is not good.” – avoid the promise of tomorrow. Saying “maybe tomorrow” is bad.
– “I know you really want the candy, but we are not having it. Don’t say “right now”
– “Food is for eating, not for playing.”
– “Books are for reading, not for ripping.”
“Plants and flowers need to grow. We need to be really careful with them.”
“We use our words, not our hands – to keep kids from hitting when they are acting out”
“Tell me in your regular voice. – avoid stop whining or “we don’t whine”
Be silly – make them laugh
“Can daddy have that? you can have this.” Whether it’s your phone or keys, replace what you are taking with something they can hold.
“Chairs are for sitting, not for standing.”
Danger” or “Stop” when the child is in potential harms way. You raise your voice a bit. Like if they were to touch a stove.
As you can see there are a lot of ways to say no without saying it. Next time you want to say “no” to your child, think of a more positive way to express the “no”.…
Time is the most important thing we have. With children it isn’t always about the amount of time versus the quality of time. Episode 65 is about creating memories and the importance of them in our kid’s lives.
Jason shared how a friend was talking about how he lived with a single mom. However he spent occasional weekends with his dad and they are awesome memories. He looks back with great fondness. Of course now we take so many more pictures than in the past, it’s easier to remember them.
Here are some ways to create memories with your child:
– Go on a one on one vacation. Leave the spouse and other siblings and take the child somewhere over the weekend. For example, the camping trips, stay in a hotel, amusement parks, etc. The one on one time is so valuable.
– Schedule a regular date with your child. For example, every Sunday night, maybe your daughter and you go to dinner, or go for a walk. Something on a regular basis.
– Make holidays significant. Decorate, make them a big deal. Not for the presents but for the celebration of being together.
– Make a regular dinner night. For example, in our house, Friday night is always mexican food. The kids (and us) look forward to it.
– Rooting for a team – Watch or even attend your favorite sporting events and be sure to include the kids.
– Share a hobby together – Jason’s dad had a coin collection. For a while when he was young, he collected coins and would show his dad the new finds.
– Take a lot of pictures or videos. Record things that you may regularly do: reading time at night, helping with homework, etc. They will be able to …
For this episode 64, we discuss the importance of family dinners. While we have mentioned this in the past, we wanted to dedicate an entire episode to it because of it’s great importance. We each had different experiences growing up and having family meals. Anne Fishel, co-founder of The Family Dinner Project and a professor at Harvard Medical School, wrote the book “Home for Dinner.” She has a great Washington Post Article in whch she provides some data and reasons why these family dinners are so important:
1) Young kids learned 1,000 rare words at the dinner table, compared to only 143 from parents reading storybooks aloud. Kids who have a large vocabulary read earlier and more easily.
2) Adolescents who ate family meals five to seven times a week were twice as likely to get A’s in school as those who ate dinner with their families fewer than two times a week.
3) Children who eat regular family dinners also consume more fruits, vegetables, vitamins and micronutrients, as well as fewer fried foods and soft drinks.
4) A stack of studies link regular family dinners with lowering a host of high risk teenage behaviorsparents fear: smoking, binge drinking, marijuana use, violence, school problems, eating disorders and sexual activity. In one study of more than 5,000 Minnesota teens, researchers concluded that regular family dinners were associated with lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts.
Dinner is the most reliable way for families to connect and find out what’s going on with each other. Kids who eat dinner with their parents experience less stress and have a better relationship with them
A parent and child can share a positive experience – a well-cooked meal, a joke, or a story – and these small moments can gain momentum to create stronger connections …
While there are a lot of bad influences in the world, for this episode we are talking about people. You may not always love the people your kid is around. Whether it’s friends at school or when your child has a significant other as they get older. What is the best way to handle this? In episode 63, we discuss tips to deal with bad influences on your kids. Here are some tips:
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Don’t blame or judge – I knew Johnny was a bad influence on you. Don’t point any fingers. Keep it to yourself or the child will begin to resent you.
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Keep Connected – Ask them how they would handle situations. “What if all of your friends are drinking and ask you to do it?”
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Model Good Behavior and Character – Monkey see, monkey do. Our children watch how we handle situations. Find something that is lost, you return it.
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Don’t Press Your Personal View Too Much – It’s ok to make your position clear but don’t push too hard.
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Invite them to your house or you chaperone the outing – You can then see what is going on and listen to conversations
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Suggest a better option – Your daughter is going to be hanging out with a boy you don’t like. You might say, “oh I was thinking of taking you shopping this afternoon. There is a one-time sale so it has to be today.
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Communicate about the situation – Ask what they have in common, what they like about them. If you see something that happened you may have to piont out that friends don’t put down other friends or make them do stuff.…
Alan & Jason discuss when one parent is preferred by the child over the other. When a child is first born, men often feel like they are not as connected to the baby as they would desire. If your wife is breastfeeding, you can really help your wife but you can’t substitute what she offers to the baby. Sure you can hold the baby, feed it, change it, but it’s not exactly the same as she has had the baby inside her for over 9 months.
Jason tells some stories about how his kids prefered his wife over him. The reality is that very young children typically prefer the parent they spend the most time with. It’s important to communicate with your spouse and allow the “not as favored parent” some alone time with the baby.
Jason & Alan then discuss 5 tips from Dr. Erica Reischer, author of the book “What Great Parents Do.” who had these 5 tips:
1) Never respond in a negative way – Even if the kids is being negative, don’t respond that way. Really bad thing to say would be “You didn’t want me to do it yesterday!”
2) React with Empathy – If your child says “I want mommy!” answer with “I hear you want mommy and know you really love mommy” It’s important that the child feels heard.
3) Ensure each parent strikes a balance between work and fun – The child may perceive one parent as “work” and the other as “fun”. When dad comes home it’s PLAYTIME.
4) Formulate a predictable schedule – alternating duties so the child isn’t thinking mom doesn’t want to read to us tonight, instead dad is reading because it’s monday. He always reads on Mondays.
5) Above all, focus on love and …
Dealing with the transition from single guy to being a dad is exactly why Dudes To Dads was founded. For most, the process is scary, unknown, and brings up issues that you have never had to deal with before. In this episode 61, Alan and Jason discuss some of the top fears that men have in becoming a father. Dads need to realize that they are not alone. Having these fears is very common.
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Labor – The actual process of delivery. It is like nothing you have ever seen before. Life coming out of your wife.
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Fear of health issues for the baby during pregnancy – You just want the baby to be healthy and be delivered ok.3. Fear of health issues for the baby after pregnancy – Once the bay has arrived, you once again just want the baby to be healthy and thriving.
4. Will I be able to provide financially? Can I afford the baby?
5. Will I ever get to sleep again? Eventually you will but the beginning is pretty brutal.
6. Fear of having sex during pregnancy? Will sex hurt the child? Will sex potentially hurt my wife?
- Will having the baby kill our intimacy? Probably yes, but there are things you can do to reduce that….and some things you can’t.
8. Having Sex after childbirth – What will it be like? Things may be different physically and emotionally.
9. How can I keep the child safe? – The world is a scary place! We just want to keep them from harm.
10. How will I be able to maintain a work-life balance? See episode 46. Things just sort of change. You are forced to make changes.
- Is everything we do going to center around the baby/kids? In the
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I came across this awesome article by Meadow Devor which discusses 10 Things To Give Up to Be Happy. This article really hit home and I wanted to discuss it on Episode 60. The article appeared on The Good Men Project which is a great resource for men.
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Give up your need for control – Why do we try to control things that can’t be controlled? It’s a waste of energy.
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Give up your need to be right – Do you want to be loved or be right?
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Give up your criticism (of yourself and others) – Learn to accept others. Focus on what is right versus what is wrong.
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Give up your need for people to understand you – Many people feel misunderstood.
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Give up your desire to be liked – Everyone wants to feel loved. But making effort to be liked can also cause you to do things you wouldn’t normally do.
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Give up your resistance to change – Change is inevitable. Resistance create suffering.
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Give up trying to please others – It’s virtually impossible to please everyone. It takes too much effort.
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Give up your attachment to the past – You can’t move forward if you are too focused on the past. The moment is now.
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Give up your need for acknowledgement – Jason provides an example of Feeding the fish versus going fishing. The course Freedom to Be was an awesome course that teaches these kinds of concepts.
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Give up your distractions – Distractions keep you from being able to focus on what is more important.
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As parents we have to be careful that our kids are watching everything we do. If we want to teach our kids something, we have to live that way or emulate that ourselves. We often don’t realize how much of an impact our actions affect our children. For this episode 59, we discuss negativity and offer 10 ways to reduce negativity. Of course this is easier said than done. It’s takes practice and a continual focus on ways you show your kids to be positive rather than negative. Here are:
10 Ways to Reduce Your Negativity
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Start listing what you are grateful for – focus on what is good
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Walk or exercise – get your body moving
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Do something creative – paint, write, get it out
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Help Others
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Talk about it – either with a friend or therapist
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Change the negative thought into a positive – previous episode I talked about getting out of bed early to go workout. I think about how good it will feel afterward
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Surround yourself with positive people
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Meditation – be still, quiet, think about nothing
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Change your state – sit up, put a smile on your face, stand tall (Tony Robbins)
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Take positive action – take a break, walk away, do something…
This episode 58 is about procrastination. We make excuses that as parents, we don’t have time. The truth is it’s just not a priority. We review an article by Dr. Travis Bradberry that appeared in LinkedIn. Here is a link to the article. “Ridiculously productive people face the same procrastination challenges as the rest of us. The difference is, they beat procrastination by using a calculated approach.” It is also said the procrastination is rooted in emotion.
Here are 11 Ways to Beat Procrastination:
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You must first understand why you procrastinate – Could be simple as needing a break or as complicated as you hate the situation you are in
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Remove your obstacles – emails, phone calls
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Jump right in, no matter what – we often are worried we don’t something right, just do it!
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Cut holes in your project – often a project seems too big, make it smaller
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Be in the right environment – keep TV, electronics, etc. away6. Enjoy small victories – cross it off the list
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Get real – set realistic goals that are possible
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Take control of your self-talk – Do not say “I will not procrastinate” because you will. Instead say what you are going to do and how great it will feel when you do it. (working out in the morning)
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Don’t be a perfectionist – can’t so something if you never start. For a writer, “you can edit a bad page, but you can’t edit a blank page”
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Focus on results – Think how great it going to feel to be done
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Forgive yourself – don’t beat yourself up for procrastinating
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We focus on self-acceptance for episode 57 and present “12 ways to teach our kids self-acceptance”. Self awareness is ok, but it gets us in trouble. The real key is acceptance. The more you raise your awareness level, the more your acceptance level needs to be raised. This is where most of us fall short. Self acceptance is defined as an individual’s satisfaction or happiness with oneself.
Here are the 12 Ways to Teach Our Kids Self-Acceptance:
- Always have compassion for others – bully’s, mean kids
- Quiet your inner critic – separate it from who you are
- Celebrate strengths
- Failure is ok. Even if we have failure, it doesn’t mean we are a failure
- Focus your energy on what you can control, not what you can’t 6. Fake it ’til you make it – Think first and then you will know, practice
- Do charitable things – help others in need
- Who’s around you? Surround yourself with people who believe in you
- Come up with a mantra – “I can do this, I am doing my best”
- Value effort and courage instead of accomplishments
- Talk about your feelings – good/bad
- Teach them they are worthy just the way they are
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We continue our conversation from Episode 55 (Part 1) with Alan Brown, creator of ADDCrusher and CrusherTV. In this Part 2, we dive deeper into how ADHD affect dads and discuss a few tips on how men can deal with it. There are medications, therapy, educational materials and more to help people manage various things related to ADHD. Because there was not a lot of video/audio materials, Mr. Brown decided to create his ADDCrusher course. This is a series of videos that include productivity hacks and shortcuts to help you manage some of the effects of ADHD. With CrusherTV, Mr. Brown has created a weekly television show dedicated to helping people increase their productivity. Whether you suffer from ADHD or not Mr. Brown’s programs and TV show can really benefit anyone who wants to increase their productivity.…
In epsiode 55, we welcome productivity coach Alan Brown. Mr. Brown is the founder of ADDCrusher and CrusherTV. In the interview, we speak with him about his own history with ADHD and how he got started in this field. We review some statistics, common myths of ADD, and aim to help adults understand that there is help. He indicates that nearly 85% of the 7 million people with adult ADHD are undiagnosed. This means a large amount of people are suffering and dealing with something that they don’t realize they can get help for. Listen and learn as Mr. Brown helps us understand more about adult ADD and ADHD.…
Our kids typically don’t move as fast as we would like them to. In episode 54, we discuss how we can speed up our kids. Their slowness definitely happens with preschool and kindergarten age children. Often in the morning when going to school, we just can’t get them out the door fast enough. However the reality is that it can happen at anytime. They sometimes can do it for control and attention but mostly it seems they just get distracted easily. You want to appreciate that they don’t stress, but it’s hard to.
So first we discuss what not to do:
Don’t tell your child to hurry up – it will only be nagging and not be effective Don’t get angry or threatening to punish Don’t bribe
We then dive into the meat of the subject. Here are some tips for speeding up your kids
1) Keep a positive tone 2) Maintain a consistent routine. They know what is coming next. Make a sign. 3) Provide warnings – 5 minutes left for breakfast 4) Turn tasks into games – make it a race, singing about what your doing 5) Allowing natural consequences – if not dressed, they go to school in what they have on. I’ve hear a little more strict where the mom left without the child. 6) Don’t label them as a slowpoke or use other negative words. Labels shape behavior 7) Get them a watch or teach how to read the clocks 8) Practice patience, what is the worst thing that could happen? So what if we are late.…
The topic for episode 53 is gender bias and how we can raise our children to not have it. We need to show our children that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. Little girls and little boys should see open and endless possibilities in front of them
Here are some steps from a Modernmom article we review:
Step 1 – Have a strong bond with your child Step 2 – Stop passing on gender bias to your kids Step 3 – Provide your child non-traditional toys Step 4 – Allow your children to participate in sports and activities that defy the gender bias. Step 5 – Give your kids responsibilities at home to teach them non-traditional roles
We then go on to discuss various ways that we can begin to teach our kids not to have bias. This information was from an article in the OC Register.
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Teach your kid to ask “Are the men doing it, too?” Questions like: Are the men wearing skimpy costumes? Are the men’s professional achievements prefaced by a note of their gender? Are the men being asked who they’re wearing at entertainment award shows? Are the men asked “How do you balance your work and personal life?
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Point out gender bias when you see it Pink toys versus blue toys. Who cares. The kids don’t unless we make them care
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Expose them to the world Let them see women police officers, male ballet dancers or gymnasts, woman firefighters, male cheerleaders, nanny = manny
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Have discussions about sexism in books, movies and life in general Bring up topics where you see they may have encountered these kind of issues and discuss them. At school when they learn about something, there may be an opportunity to bring in …
For Episode 52, we discuss how noise can effect how children learn. This article has some very interesting points of discussions. Noise is more distracting to a child’s brain than an adult. Research now shows that noise can hinder how children learn. Children hear different things than adults do in a noisy environment. They are less equipped to deal with speech yet have a greater need to understand it. Their ability to understand and process speech against competing background noise doesn’t mature until adolescence. Brief sudden noises like a cough or horn can drown out part of a sentence. For an adult, we automatically substitute a choice so we usually don’t notice. Children’s brains don’t fill in the gaps. The guys also discuss how children shouldn’t even watch TV until after 2.
Here are some tips to reduce noise and help children learn:
Don’t leave TV, Radio, or other electronics on in the backgound. While it’s not clear whether soft music is distracting, lyrics are. Speak clearly and make eye contact When it is noisy, make sure toddlers see your face. They can pick up on mouth movements If the child doesn’t understand, use simpler words. One or two words is often only what is needed. If the child is having behavior problems in school, make sure being unable to hear in class isn’t the problem.
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Stereotypes are rooted from some truth. However many of them can be hurtful or demeaning. In episode 51, we discuss some stereotypes of dads to explore whether these are true what we can do as fathers to change them. Here are 8 common dad stereotypes:
Dad’s care more about having fun than parenting Dad’s Can’t Cook Dad’s can’t express their feelings Dad’s who stay at home are weak Dads don’t like to spend quality time with their kids Dad’s are messy and unorganized Dad’s don’t like housework Dad’s can’t take care of kids by themselves
After discussing these 8 common stereotypes of dads, we discuss 5 Ways Men Can Change Stereotypes About Fatherhood. This article makes suggestions on what dads can do to show the world that they are not part of the stereotype:
- Change Your Child’s diapers
- Take Parental Leave
- Challenge Gender Sterotypes – help daughters do things thought of as boy activities
- Leave work to help with childcare
- Clean the house
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Episode 50 has the theme about stress. As dads, how can we reduce stress and manage it in our daily lives? We make a return to our segment structure within the episode. Alan and Jason start with a Dad’s Debate. Do children have more stress than parents? Kids don’t typically have the tools to understand how to deal with stress. One suggestion is within Stuff To Do. The guys suggest to meditate with your child. There are great guided meditations on YouTube. It will benefit you and your child. In the SuperCharge segment, we introduce Bal Yoga for kids. It takes the kids through poses for A through Z. They follow along in a book and can watch a DVD. For the Dad’s Homework, the guys suggest to meditate or do yoga with your child at least 1 time within the next 7 days. In the Battlefield, we discuss how kids show symptoms of stress which is often irritability, moodiness, complaining, crying, withdrawal from activities and changes in sleeping or eating patterns. The suggestion is to try one of these 5 techniques:
Have them get some extra sleep Take a deep breath. I learned to have them smell a flower, blow out the candle Start an art project Go outside. Make time for play Hug them
The guys finish up the episode with the Quote of the Day from Annette Funicello, “Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful”. Jason now has this up on his refrigerator at home.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Working from home depression
Dad’s Debate (4:48) – Do children have more stress than parents?
Stuff To Do (11:10) – Meditate with your child
SuperCharge (15:52) – Bal Yoga for kids.
Dad’s Homework (18:54) – Meditate or do yoga with your
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Life hacks are shortcuts to make things easier in your life. In this episode 49, the guys provide 39 Life Hacks for Dads. These are tips and tricks that fathers can use to make their lives just a little easier with their kids.
Going to a public place and scared to lose your kid? Put a sticker or tape on your child that has your phone number – If you are going to public place Need organization in the car for kids stuff? Tie a shoe caddy on the back of your car seat to hold dolls, games, etc. Children can’t reach the sink to wash their hands? Either get a stool or cut a shampoo bottle and to extend the faucet Avoid kids hands getting messy with a popsicle – use a muffin cup to prevent dirty hands Need a door stopper – use a pool noodle Ladder for bunk bed uncomfortable – use a pool noodle Springs on a trampoline too dangerous when exposed, wrap them with a pool noodle Always losing bibs, can’t find them for meal time? Put a hook on the back of the high chair Don’t want to have your child interupt your video game? Give them a fake controller that is not connected Having trouble with kids helping sweep up? Put an area of colored tape and have the child sweep into the area – Make it a game Trouble getting your daughter’s hair into a ponytail? Use a vacuum Bath the baby in a laundry basket in the bathtub so toys stay close Use vinegar on burns – prevent blisters and ease the pain Use a lint roller in your play room or craft room to pick up glitter or other small pieces For those in hot places, use a small spray
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Manners are not something you are born with, they must be taught. The reality is that many people really don’t have good manners. In Episode 48, Jason’s 7 year old son Kasen joins in the discussion. We do know it’s important to start early. Studies show that we can start teaching children manners at about 18 months as they begin to be aware that other people have feelings. The article we discuss in the podcast is from Parents.com.
Not being taught manners can be problematic as they go off to school and begin to deal with other people. We do know that it doesn’t happen overnight. Manner smust be taught over and over. Also, monkey see, monkey do. If you want your kids to have manners, you must display them first. Like many other parenting aspects, consistency is the key.
There are 4 Basic areas of Manners
Basic Table Manners
What to expect: By age 3, your child should be able to eat with a spoon and fork, stay seated at the table for 15 to 20 minutes, and wipe his mouth with a napkin. What to do: During toddlerhood, use a no-break plate; encourage him to use his utensils; discourage him from throwing food by telling him, “We don’t throw food on the floor. If you don’t want any more, please say ‘no thank you.'”
Please and Thank You
What to expect: An 18-month-old may be able to say the words but not necessarily grasp their true meaning. By 2 1/2, kids can link the word to the concept. What to do: If your child hasn’t gotten into the habit, gently prompt him by saying, “What do we say after we get a gift?” or “What do we say when someone gives us a treat?”
Sharing
What to
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A phone or ipad is often what is used to entertain kids at restaurants or other situations where you are waiting. This episode 47 provides suggestions and tips to entertain toddlers without electronics. If you don’t have any books or toys to help entertain your toddler. Here are some ways that were referenced from the Art of Manliness:
1) Which Hand? – put a coin or something small in your hand, clap them together and have the toddler try to figure out which hand it is in.
2) I Spy – You find something in the room and say “I spy something green”. Then the toddler has to try and find what it is that you see.”
3) Riddles – For example: I can be red or green, I grow on a tree and can be made into a sauce.
4) Hunting for shapes – What do you see that is a circle?
5) What is different – Use a pen and paper to draw 4 squares on a paper. Draw the same thing in 3 squares and then change it a little in the 4th. Ask them what is different.
6) Who am I – Choose an animal or person and let your kid ask questions to try and figure it out.
7) What’s missing – Put a few things on the table. Ask them to remember them. Have them look away. Take something off and have them then look. See if they can guess what was removed.
8) Name that tune – You hum a tune and the have your toddler try to guess what it is.
9) Counting – As the toddler to count (assuming they can) how many of something there are. For example, how many chairs are at the table
10) Walk outside – …
The question of “Can Dad’s Have It All?” is a part of the foundation of why Dudes To Dads was founded. We want to be good fathers, husbands, sons, employees, and good at every other role we play. In this episode we share some tips as well as discuss how other people are doing it. Jason mentions the Time article of 7 CEOs and how they find balance.
According to a 2011 paper by the Families and Work Institute (FWI) titled The New Male Mystique: for dual income families, 60% of working fathers versus 47% of working mothers reported experiencing work-family conflict.
The Times article also discuss that father’s often regret missing crucial moments (birth, graduations, etc.) and weighted them equally to less important moments like games, events, etc. Their advice was to not miss the crucial ones.
A 2013 Pew Research Study on working families found 46% of fathers reported they don’t think they spend enough time with their children versus 23% of mothers. Some other stats were that 40% of working mothers and 34% of working fathers say they always feel rushed.
Even though fathers have tripled the amount of time they spend with their kids since 1965, we are still feeling like it isn’t enough. Working mothers spend about twice as much time with their children as working fathers do (13.5 hours per week for mothers in 2011, compared with 7.3 hours for fathers).
Here are 11 Tips For Dads to Balance Work and Life:
Take inventory – establish what your goals and priorities are with both work and life get organized – track your time, know where your time is currently being spent schedule the time with family or kids be flexible drop time wasting activities (television, social media) have family dinners take each kid out
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Our friend Kevin joins us once again to discuss the importance of family traditions. We identify that there are a few different types of traditions: Family, Personal, Religious, Holiday, and Cultural. We also discuss what traditions are and how they are often practices or beliefs which are passed down from generation to generation ie: parents to children. Jason provides an example of a child in his daughter’s kindergarten class who said “Black Friday” was a tradition. So why are family traditions so important.
Here are 10 reasons why family traditions are so important:
Allows you to create positive memories, last a lifetime Provides consistency or continuity Promotes bonding Creates a sense of identity Offers belongingness Expands cultural awareness Shows commitment Increases family values – the importance of family Something to look forward to which is one of the keys to happiness most of the time they are fun and enjoyable
The website Art of Manliness has a list of 60 Family Tradition Ideas.
Here are our 10 favorite family traditions :
Secret Handshake Bedtime Stories Family Game night Movie night Saturday/Sunday morning breakfast Weekly family meeting Family Service Day – Monthly Yearly Measurement on the Door Frame Box of Goals (or set goals) Daddy Date – child gets to pick what to do
Traditions provides children (and adults) many benefits. We suggest you create your own traditions within your family. We also would love to hear about your traditions. Please feel free to email us or provide comments below.…
For the first episode of 2016, Alan and Jason are joined by returning special guest Kevin. Together the guys discuss 19 New Year’s Resolutions for Dads:
- Spend at more quality time with kids. Be specific, spend 5 hours per week per child doing activities
- Spend more quality time with wife – go on dates
- Go on a family vacation for a week
- Go on a vacation with your wife for a week
- Go on an overnight stay once per month with wife
- I will eat more healthy foods – Maybe weekends are your “cheat days”
- I will exercise – I will exercise x times per week
- I will hold weekly family meetings
- Encourage my kids more – Use positive words when calling or talking to them (words like slow, lazy, etc are not good)
- Show love for mom in front of the children – both talking and affection
- Provide kids more affection – Be sure to hug or kiss my kids each day
- Do something nice for someone outside your family – 4x a year
- Take a class or learn a new language (especially one the kids might be studying)
- Do a social media and game app cleanse
- Learn a new skill: music, painting, dancing. Get outside your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to screw up.
- Share some of the limited screen time. Learn how to play their favorite video game
- Have more family fun or game nights
- Go to more sporting events (does not have to professional)
- Live within your means, balance the budget – teach kids value
How do you really make these happen? First you must commit. Also make the resolutions realistic. One idea is to focus …
We kick off the episode with Stuff to Do. In Stuff To Do, we suggest playing good, old school card games with your kids. Although Jason tells the story of teaching his kids blackjack, we are suggesting to stick with traditional family friendly games such as Crazy eights, Go Fish, Old Maid, War, Memory, Rummy, etc. We then move into a discussion about long car rides in The Battlefield. Kids will complain and whine the entire trip. Traffic, being hungry, and having to go to the bathroom can ruin a potentially good trip. One suggestion from Jason is to begin the vacation as soon as you get into the car. This mentally helps you relax (a little) versus being in a hurry in order to get there and relax.
Jason offers these tips for surviving long car rides:
– Travel heavy – pack lots of toys and entertainment – Make frequent stops – Try to avoid traffic – Go at a time when they may be able to sleep
In SuperCharge, we introduce a Snack/activity tray for the car This is perfect for allowing the kids to do thing and eat while you are driving. We then dive into a Dad’s Debate by discussing whether public schools should have school uniforms. Alan begins against it but later begins to understand some of the points Jason brings up and “almost” agrees. We read an email from Morgan in Alberta, Canada for the Mailbag segment. He has a little difficulty being affectionate toward his 8 year old son. We basically tell him to get over it and do it anyway. Your son needs it and so do you. For Dad’s homework, we suggest going on a one on one date with your child. If you have more than one child, schedule individual
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A Father must lead by example and the character of the person is of utter importance. In this espisode, Jason and Alan discuss how crucial it is to have good character for our kids but also provide some ways to develop good character in our children. Jason begin the episode with a quote from Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD: “Character, not beauty, high test scores, or wealth – account for life satisfaction.” The guys then go on to share 21 tips for building character taken from Dr. Helen LeGette’s book, “Parents, Kids & Character: Twenty-One Strategies to Help Your Children Develop Good Character.” This book was written in 1999 and the tips appear on www.charactered.net. The guys review the tips and offer explanation throughout:
Model good character in the home. Be clear about your values. Show respect for your spouse, your children, and other family members. Model and teach your children good manners. Have family meals together without television as often as possible. Plan as many family activities as possible. Involve your children in the planning. Get actively involved in your children’s school life, both at school and at home. Don’t provide your children access to alcohol or drugs. Plan family service projects or civic activities. Read to our children and keep good literature in the home. Limit your children’s spending money. Discuss the holidays and their meanings. Capitalize on the “teachable moment.” Assign home responsibilities to all family members. Set clear expectations for your children and hold them accountable for their actions. Keep your children busy in positive activities. Learn to say no and mean it. Know where your children are, what they are doing, and with whom. Refuse to cover for your children or make excuses for their inappropriate behavior. Know what television shows, videos, and
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We all hear and know about consistency, but how many of us practice it in parenting? Jason and Alan explore the importance of consistency in being a dad. Young children prefer consistency. They know what to expect and crave routine. This starts when the baby is just born. You learn early on that being consistent with feedings, bath time, sleep patterns, etc. makes your life a little more predictable and the baby calmer. Now of course when the routine is broken, we can go crazy and think the universe is out of whack.
As a child gets older, it means that rules and expectations are the same from one time to another. It allows the world to be less confusing. It frees them from worrying about what happens next. Do you wonder why a young child wants to watch the same movie over and over? or wants to read the same book every night? What about wearing the same costume every single day?
Jason mentions an article from from about.com: http://fatherhood.about.com/od/effectivediscipline/a/consistency.htm which talks about 3 basic ways fathers need to demonstrate consistency:
Consistency in rules and consequences Consistency between parents Consistent routines
The university of Alabama also had an article on why consistency is important. Here are some of the reasons:
– It gives the child a sense of security – Children of consistent parents experience less anxiety – Daily routines cause a more peaceful home life – Helps develop their sense of responsibility because they know what is expected of them – Consistent rules cause less pushing of limits. Quickly learn no means no – Less temper tantrums, arguing, and bargaining as they grow – Inconsistency can cause confusion, poor self esteem, and often time negative values
So what do we do to be more consistent: – Pick a …
Definition of Parent: To act as a mother of father, protector or guardian. To rear and nurture.
Definition of Coach: to give instruction or advice
We certainly may be both of those things but in this episode, Jason and Alan discuss how being a Coach can create a different mindset on how to deal with your kids. When you begin to think of yourself as a coach, teacher, or instructor, you can be much more effective with your kids. We want them to be moral, contributing members of society. Not that every situation has to be a learning experience, but how we interact with them is crucial.
Jason provides the example of his 5 year old crying before school because she can’t find her shoes. His incorrect reaction was “Why do you not put your shoes in the same spot every day. Then you know they are there” His daughter’s response is to get even more upset. You are then teaching her that she is doing something wrong. She doesn’t think about how to fix it, she’s thinking simply that dad is being mean. You have accomplished nothing. Attempting to fix things during an emotional moment for a 5 year old is worthless.
For Jason, he has to remind himself and remember that his daughter is 5. She is trying to figure out the world around her. Even finding her shoes can be a big deal. It’s a bigger deal if they can’t be found. The world is about to end. The answer is to try and help right then and solve the problem. Maybe say to her: “Oh, you can’t find your shoes? That would be frustrating. Let me see if I can help you find them.” She then feels supported and then at a different time you can …
Parenting Expert and Board Certified Family Physician Dr. Deborah Gilboa (aka Doctor G) joins Jason and Alan for Episode 39 recorded on location at the Paradise Point Resort & Spa in San Diego. Doctor G is also a mother of 4 and an international parenting writer & speaker. The topic for this episode is bullying. Kids are being bullied, on the playground, at school, among friends, with siblings, and the most powerful one of cyber bullying (online).
Social media doesn’t allow the child to escape the bullying. Here are some stats from rawhide.org
72% of teens report cyber-bullying in the past year 25% report being bullied more than once 90% of teens say they have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on social media 95% of teens who witnessed bullying on social media report that others, like them, have ignored the behavior
There are also a lot of types of bullying:
Exclusion Cyberstalking Gossip Outing/Trickery Harassment Impersonation Cyber Threats Flaming
Here are some other interesting stats on bullying for teens:
66% respond to the bully 15% skip school because of bullying (3 million children skip school each month) 25% have a face to face altercation with the bully 8% get in a physical fight 1 in 5 consider suicide 1 in 10 attempt suicide
When your kid is the bully it’s important to focus on the behavior and not the child. In other words, talk about how the behavior is bad, not that the child is bad. So they may have tried bullying, and it wasn’t ok. Ask the questions like “What else could you have done?” or “Is there a different way to handle the situation?”
Bullying is a natural part of adolescence, it’s just not accepted behavior. We need to teach our children to understand …
Going through the transition from dude to dad can be very stressful. For those who already may have some addiction issues, that process can make things worse for their addiction. For others, they may turn to substances such as alcohol or drugs, or behaviors that are fueled by addiction in order to deal with the stress. We wanted to get a better understanding of addiction and how dads are dealing with it. For Episode 38, we are joined by Chris McDuffie, CEO of Turning Point Addiction and Recovery Services. Chris helps us understand what addiction looks like and how it’s often dealt with. It doesn’t matter what race, age, education level, or income, addiction crosses all lines. People often feel like they are “functional” not realizing what their real potential is if they were not an addict. The #1 cause of addiction is prescription drugs. Doctors and dentists are really driving the addiction as well.
Identifying yourself as an addict is someone that is not able to deal with life’s issues and stresses in a normal matter. If it is effecting your life in any way, there are resources that can help. Reach out to a loved one, parent, teacher, religious leader, or anyone else and get help.
Chris also holds that there is no effective drug prevention education in schools. The D.A.R.E. program has not been effective. He says we need to have evidence based education, have curriculum in the school, work with the community, and work with parents. You want to delay drug use as much as possible, have an open dialogue with your kids and be sure to be a good role model for them.
To learn more about Chris and the services he offers, you can call 1-844-435-7371 or visit www.myturningpointbegins.com.…
The discussion in episode 37 is on a topic that most parents avoid talking about – death. Death is typically scary and brings up feelings we often do not know how to deal with. But as parents, how do you talk to your kids about death? For this episode, we interviewed Jim Reiser, Marriage & Family Therapist and Bereavement Services Coordinator at the Hospice of the North Coast. When someone close dies, how do you communicate what is going on to your kids? Different ages will require difference things, but there are a few basic things that Jim shares with us:
Be honest Try to put yourself in the child’s shoes. Look at it from their perspective. Use the word death, instead of many different terms. It can confuse kids. Children are looking for guidance during these times. Give it to them. Give yourself permission to grieve. Allow your kids to see the emotion Be inclusive and include them in whatever is going on: funeral, meetings, etc. Let a child lead the discussion
Jim says that “grief creates opportunity”. This is specifically true with Jason as the creation of Dudes To Dads came from a time while he was grieving. Also, grief brings about emotion. It can be sadness, agression, anger, and many other emotions we often do not recognize as grief.
For our podcast listeners, Jim offered his contact information to help anyone who needs assistance. You can call the Hospice of the North Coast at 760.431.4100 and ask for Jim Reiser.…
We begin episode 36 by talking about working at home and how many people experience difficulties with it. In the local meetup, multiple dads. shared that they work out of the house and were starting to feel a little crazy. They feel socially inept as they don’t get out and find themselves getting depressed. This is really similar to how moms feel when they stay home and are with the baby all day. They lose a sense of reality. We need human, adult interaction. Jason explains his experience working from home and how he didn’t like it. Light Her Fire touches on the fact that we often have energy for other people but not our spouse. Making them a priority is crucial. Unfortunately we often keep score n a relationship. Many of us do it. Keeping score is very self-centered and will not get you anything you want. You then begin to see everything in a negative lense. When you do find yourself thinking “I am always the one who does X”, add to the statement, “but my wife always does Y”. The suggestion for Stuff To Do is to do an old fashion puzzle. Jason shares the story that as a kid, he used to build puzzles with his family and they would glue them together and put them on the wall. For SuperCharge, the guys suggest Crazy Forts which is a glow in the dark fort building kit. They then provide the suggestion for Dad’s Homework which, for the next week, be mindful of not keeping score in your relationship. First, acknowledge that you are doing it. If you say “I’m always the one who does X” add, but my partner always does Y”. We are often so focused on ourselves and what we contribute, we forget that
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The topic for today hits close to home. It’s about being critical. We can be critical of ourselves, critical of our spouses, our children, or even complete strangers. Jason’s hypothesis is that the happier we become with ourselves, the less critical we are all around. He shares that he is noticing this within himself. Earl Nightingale’s quote “When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself” really defines the subject matter for this episode.
Jason mentioned a great article in psychology today. One of the statements: “Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any short-term gain you might get from it just builds resentment down the line” resonates with the guys. Alan and Jason then talk about Criticism vs Feedback. Can you think of an example of where you might be considered critical? Either with friends, significant other, or even co-workers?
The truth is that it does not work. For example : coming home and making the statement…wow, this house is so messy. Kids feel like they are being criticised and a spouse would take that personally and say that you are being critical of her. Here are some better ways to provide feedback:
Focus on how the person can improve not what is wrong Focus on the behavior you would like to see, not on the personality of your partner or child. Sincerely offer help. Respect his/her view even if you don’t agree. Resist the urge to punish or withdraw affection if he/she doesn’t do what you want. Find a solution that works for both.
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Welcoming new listeners from Japan, Cambodia, Norway, South Africa, and more, Jason and Alan kick off Episode 34. The episode begins with the topic of sugar and desserts for The Battlefield. In Jason’s family, they have established that desserts are for weekends. They also do “good food before bad.” We don’t want to completely deprive our kids or they will go crazy with it. Also consider healthy desserts like fruit. For the mailbag, listener Grant writes: “My wife and I had a first child 4 months ago. Intimacy is pretty much gone. What can I do?” Jason goes on to discuss some of the difficulties during this time. The focus needs to be on being supportive, giving the woman a break, and most importantly make time for date night to be with each other. His desire for intimacy is valid but he is going t need to be very mindful of his approach. In SuperCharge, we introduce the Fred & Friends DINNER WINNER Kids’ Dinner Tray which is food tray that divides food into eight portions, with an extra covered portion for dessert. It provides positive statements for each bite that the child finishes. We then get into Dad’s Debate to discuss gender labels on toys. Jason mention this NY Times Article. Target announced no labels for boys or girls, Amazon no longer uses gender based categories for toys, and athletic wear has blurred lines of gender. We finishe the episode with 2 Quotes of the Day from someecards: “You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be” and “When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros
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Alan and Jason start episode 33 with Stuff to Do by discussing the creation of a bike track. While many people live in areas where this may not be possible, Jason lives in a culdesac so it allowed to keep the kids entertained but also close by. As a result of having difficulty making the track with the chalk, SuperCharge introduces the Bike Chalk Trail Kit which makes it much easier to make a bike track with chalk. The Mailbag is an email about punishment of kids and also transitions us into the Dad’s Debate. The debate is about whether punishment is effective in getting the behavior you desire. Our thoughts are that making your child suffer so he does what you want will later backfire. Our role is to coach and guide them. They learn faster when they aren’t punished. The Light Her Fire segment talks about how re-enforcing the truth is more important than punishment. All of this discussion about punishment shapes Dad’s Homework which is to not punish your child when they do something wrong. We finished the episode with the Quote of the Day by Dr. Laura Markham:
Sure, kids need “discipline.” But the verb “to discipline” means “to guide.” There is absolutely no reason why our guidance needs to be punitive. In fact, punishment backfires. We can’t really control another person. All we really have to work with is influence. And punishment erodes that influence. If we want kids to accept our guidance, we need to maintain a positive relationship with them.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Energetic water, sitting up straight, and ready for the episode
Stuff To Do (4:29) – Create a bike track
SuperCharge (8:39) – Bike Chalk Trail Kit
Mailbag (10:40) – How to punish kids when they do
…
In this episode we wanted to discuss how serious situations with our children effect us, how we can better handle them, and how to move forward. Jason’s friend Kevin joins the podcast again, but this time to talk about what his daughter and his family have dealt over the last few years. His daughter was diagnosed with Children’s Arthritis. This is something that effects the entire family, the circle of friends, and more. Kevin really opens up about the initial stages of determining what was wrong, some of the social aspects of dealing with a disease and provides some valuable tips for dealing with it along the way.
You don’t need to feel alone. You do need to get yourself informed and take action on what you need to. Kevin’s insight on his own family’s journey will hopefully help and inspire others.
Kevin also wanted to share some great resources for those dealing with Children’s Arthritis:
Arthritis Foundation Facebook Page
Kids Get Arthritis Too – Website Kids Get Arthritis Too – Facebook Page
Living with Juvenile Arthritis: A Parent’s Guide…
We once again record this episode while being live on Blab.im. If you want to learn how to communicate, you better first learn how to listen. Communication starts with listening! Talking with your kids is not a lecture, it’s two way discussion. Jason mentioned some great tips from an article by Dr. Laura Markham on How to get your child to listen:
- Don’t start talking until you have your child’s attention. We spoke about GEMs last week.
- Don’t repeat yourself. Go back to step 1 if needed.
- Use fewer words.
- See it from their point of view.
- Engage cooperation – Give choices.
- Stay calm. Take a deep breath.
- Set up routines.
- Listen. (role model the bahavior)
From the parent’s side, the ability to listen responsibly: Involves: Being silent-listening intently to an entire explanation Does Not Involve: Interrupting or formulating your response while the other person is talking (ie. not truly listening)
Involves: Creating a warm atmosphere for talk. Choosing a good time to share. Does Not Involve: Insisting on a talk when the time is in-appropriate either for you or your child
Involves: Relaxing-responding to your child as an intimate friend Does Not Involve: Displaying tension, disapproval, or hostility in facial or body expressions
Involves: Drawing out solutions from your child Does Not Involve: Moralizing, fixing, converting, advising and lecturing
Involves: Allowing for complete expression of feeling Does Not Involve: Denial, not permitting certain feelings to be expressed
National Center for Fathering – article on dads and sons communicating To get Your Son to talk, don’t try to get him to talk – work on a project or do something fun
Watch for cues that he’s ready to talk.
Be available – no matter what time
Affirm him verbally. I love …
This is a special episode as we recorded live on Blab.im. It allows us to be seen on video while guests are able to interact live with us by chatting. This episode is all about connecting.
Everyone, especially children, want to feel connected. When they don’t feel connected at home, school, or within the community, they will find connection through bad behavior including sex, drugs, gangs, etc. This is why kids engage in this kind of behavior is that they want to feel connected. Jason mentions having dinner together and how doing that 3 times a week or more can reduce alcohol and drug use by half. It’s not just about the meal but it provides a time to talk and find out about their day or what they are doing.
One of the most important things to learn is empathy. Having empathy for your children allows them to feel understood and therefore connected. We cover more on empathy in Episode 18.
We then discuss a Huffington Post Article written by Author/Speaker which offers 5 ways to connect:
1) Ask them questions about their life – most parents have no clue what is going on – If they don’t want to talk, it may mean they feel disconnected
2) Hug, touch, or sit near them – We all need touch and kids really like it
3) Figure out what they like and learn about it – Showing an interest in what they do or like makes them feel connected
4) Have technology-free times and places – If you are on the phone or computer you may as well not even be there
5) Play and do activities with them – not everyone likes to talk. Whether its a game, sport, and craft, kids all have something they like.…
Episode 29 starts with the update from Jason and Alan that the website now has an email signup. Listeners can keep up to date on news, episode releases, and more. Our first segment is a Dad’s Debate on whether it is ok to “parent” other kids when you are somewhere. Of course every situation is different but the guys provide their views on how situations should be handled. We then move into the Battlefield where we review getting the kids out the door for school and provide a few tips to make that easier:
Get the kids to bed on time Get kids an alarm clock. Wake them softly. Have kids layout clothes the night before (don’t forget shoes) Prepare lunches the night before Setup a schedule with specific times and activities Make sure routine items are in the same place (toothbrush, hairbrush sunblock) Same goes for food. Allow them to get their own food for breakfast. They are totally capable Be on time yourself
Jason then shares a story in which a friend of his told the child that the car was leaving at a specific time and because the child was not ready, she missed her ride. The child was never late again. In Stuff To Do Jason discusses creating a scavenger hunt. Here are some instructions:
Decide where you want to do it (in the house, outside, at a park) Gather some items that will need to be found. Can even be household items This can work with only 1 child but more kids would probably more fun. You could even invite the neighborhood kids and separate them into teams so they have to work together. Create a prize at the end You can do it for time and see which team has the most items, or
…
Jason begin the episode talking about his camping weekend with his daughter. They are part of the local YMCA Adventure Princesses which offers dads and daughters the ability to go camping together. They teach the 6 aims:
To be clean in body and pure in heart To be pals forever with my dad. To love the sacred circle of my family. To listen while others speak. To love my neighbor as myself. To seek and preserve the beauty of the Great Spirit’s work in forest, field and stream.
Topic for this podcast is Caring. The guys share that there is now an email signup form on the site which will send out updates and alerts when new things happen. Jason offers the definition of Caring which is 1) Displaying kindness and concern for your child, 2) The work or practice of looking after those unable to care for themselves and finally 3) offering love and affection. Caring is all about the heart and Jason indicated that the #1 thing he learned from parenting classes and reading about parenting is to parent from the heart instead of the head. When parenting from the heart, it is easier on yuorself and the child. We are more calm, more present, and overall more effective in whatever we are trying to do.
Caring is also unconditional. We are not expecting anything back in return. So how can we show our kids that we care? There are tons of ideas but Jason offers his 3 favorites:
Ask them questions, show interest in what they are doing Watch over them and protect them – holding their hand, being present, teaching them right and wrong Provide a lot of affection – hugging, kissing, general touch.
The guys then close the show with a quote from Mac …
In this episode 27, Jason and Alan have the opportunity to sit down with Susie Walton, author of “Key to Personal Freedom – How Myths Affect Our Family Lives” and creator of the Joy of Parenting courses. Susie’s courses are what got Jason started on his journey to active and effective parenting. Susie has been teaching, speaking, and coaching on parenting for nearly 25 years. Jason calls her”The Fairy Godmother of Parenting” as she is a driving force in helping thousands of people create peace in their homes. He often thinks “What would Susie do in this situation” which helps him solve the problem.
Susie shares how and why she got started in teaching parenting classes. She also helps us understand some very important parenting concepts, as Jason shares his favorite concepts from her teachings. She sheds some light on whether men and women parent differently.
If you want some excellent tips on how to parent from the heart and raise capable children, listen to this episode.…
In this episode 26 we cover the concept of commitment. While most people attribute commitment to a romantic relationship or marriage, we are discussing the commitment to effective and mindful parenting. It’s about committing to doing what it takes to have a good relationship with your children, commit to learn new concepts and be open.
Unless you are being forced to listen to this podcast, you are already making some commitment that the topic of effective parenting and creating a wonderful relationship with your children is important. But why doesn’t everyone commit to that? Why are some going through the motions and okay with not making any substantial effort in this area. Here are a few reasons it seems people don’t commit:
Fear of failure Fear of being rejected Fear of making the wrong decision Trust issues Not enough time? Not knowing what to do
What keeps people from committing to wanting a better relationship with their children? Why do people not seek out better ways to handle situations? How to connect better with their children? Alan and Jason discuss the topic of commitment and answer some of these questions. …
We begin episode 25 with the Mailbag. In the Mailbag, a man named Colin heard my rant on cell phones and sent us this Huffington Post article “To My 13-Year-Old, An iPhone Contract From Your Mom, With Love” by Janell Burley Hofmann. The author provides 18 awesome and loving rules to her child and his first phone. We introduce the Yonanas dessert maker in SuperCharge. For Stuff To Do, the suggestion is to do an obstacle course with your kids. Allow them to participate in creating it and then time them as well as you to go through it. Dr. Ellen talks about the importance of touch in Light Her Fire and Jason talks about the massage class he took. We move into an energy filled Dad’s Debate with the topic of “Should you help your children with homework”. This is the research study article we mention. We finish the episode with 2 quotes about homework. The first one is “Homework: because 7 hours of School wasn’t enough”. The second one was “”If kids haven’t learned the concepts by the time they leave the classroom…the homework is pointless.”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Jason & Alan discuss kids going back to school for this episode.
Mailbag (5:47) – iPhone contract for your kids. Here is the article we mention
SuperCharge (11:13) – Yonanas – the dessert maker
Stuff To Do (14:28) – Make an obstacle course
Light Her Fire (17:35) – How important touch is
Dad’s Debate (23:17) – Should you help your children with homework?
Quote of the Day (32:25) – 2 Quotes about homework…
This segment is dedicated to “Back to School”. We start of with the Battlefield and discuss tips for preparing kids for going to a big school for the first time (kindergarten). Here are some survival tips to make the first day easier:
1) Do a dry run – visit the school, practice dropping off, practice picking up 2) Get everything ready the night before 3) Learn the teacher’s name – say how positive it will be 4) Get plenty of sleep 5) Eat Healthy Foods 6) Create a morning schedule – practice a day or two before
Because the first week is going to be a big deal for them, they are probably going to be exhausted. In the Stuff To Do segment we suggest giving them a 10-15 massage to their neck, head, and shoulders. To prepare for school, our SuperCharge segment introduces Brain Packets by Deborah McNelis. These are products that assist in early brain development building language, cognitive, social-emotional, physical skills of kids. We debate whether you should police your children’s clothes and if so, at what age in Dad’s Debate. The homework for the week is to give your kids extra attention. Give them a little more of your time, hug them, and be sure to pay attention to them. You can also give them that massage we suggested. We close up the episode with the Quote of the Day by Tom Bodett, “The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Jason & Alan discuss kids going back to school for this episode.
The Battlefield (3:32) – The difficulties of starting school and some tips to cope with it.
Stuff …
In this episode 23, we welcome Chris, a dad of 2 kids, who after 13 years of marriage, got divorced and found himself back in the dating pool. He learned a few valuable lessons along the way and shares his experience with us to help other dads who may be going through the same thing. In this discussion, we touch on some of the following topics:
Understand and know when you are ready Establish your own expectations Be up front and honest with potential partners / can’t relocate / time limitations Wait to introduce your kids / timing Letting your ex know about your situation
Alan and Jason sit down with Dr. Daniel Singley, a counseling psychologist conducting research, practice, and training regarding men’s issues with an emphasis on men’s peripartum mental health and the transition to fatherhood. He founded the Center for Men’s Excellence which provides various assistance to men. In the interview, Danny provides great insight and expert research to help understand some of the issues men go through. Anxiety and depression for men can look much different than it does for women. We explore these areas as well as provide a few tips on what men can do to help themselves through difficult times.
If you may need professional help or are in the San Diego area looking for a psychologist, Danny can be reached at www.menexcel.com.
To celebrate the podcast achieving 21, we have created two lists that are crucial to keep in the “mind database” for dads. While we set out to include 21 items in both lists, there was simply too much too include that we had to expand the lists. Jason’s friend Kevin joins this podcast to help provide input on the lists. We suggest you study these, keep them as reference, and use them as guidelines on what NOT to say. Good parenting usually indicates to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, but we just want to be sure dads are aware that these statements shall NEVER leave your tongue. Please feel free to comment or provide your suggestions to add to the lists. While you can listen here, we also provided links to the blog post for each list.
27 Things New Dads Should Never Say to New Moms – This list is crucial to understand just after you have had your child. Of course you are both tired and walking around like zombies, but it gives you know excuse to make these comments.
25 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids – We are all guilty of saying things that we shouldn’t to our kids. It’s important to recognize that the statements you make to your kids are powerful. You must be mindful of what you are saying as your words can help shape the child.
Jason’s longtime friend Kevin visits the podcast for Episode 20. Kevin is a dad of 2 (boy and girl) and is a friend of Jason’s for over 30 years. We begin the episode in a debate about children in sports and while there can be some great benefits to the children, there can also be a sacrifice of quality/family time to do it as well as free time for the children. Kevin coaches both of his kid’s teams and emphasizes the parent’s role in how the child is going to perceive it. In Stuff To Do, Jason suggests allowing your kids to help you in a project in which you had not thought of. Jason was putting together a desk for his son and decides to include both his 5 year old daughter and 7 year old son into the process. While it may take a little longer, it was an activity that everyone enjoyed. In the Mailbag, a listener Greg writes that he has a lot of difficulty brushing his daughter’s hair and the guys provide their own stories to help solve the problem. With the Battlefield and kids not wanting to bathe, Kevin tells the story of how he uses the “Stinkpass” to allow his children the opportunity once a week not to choose to bathe. If they keep it, they may get a reward. Jason used the tactic of being very calm and “killing them with kindness” to get through a potentially dangerous battlefield. We finish out the episode with a quote from DeeAnn Stewart from “What Spock Forgot.”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Jason’s good friend Kevin joins this episode.
Dad’s Debate (6:20) – Kids in Sports. What age to enter competitive sports?
Stuff to Do (16:26) – Include them in a project you had planned to do yourself.
Mailbag (19:43) – Greg writes about his daughter and what to do with the difficulty of brushing her hair.
The Battlefield (23:50) – When kids don’t want to take a bath/shower.
Quote of the Day (30:24) – “Bathtime is successful when your kids get wetter than you do” – DeeAnn Stewart
In episode 19 we begin with welcoming more international listeners. We are getting more listeners from Canada as well as new listeners from New Zealand and Romania. It’s pretty amazing that the podcast is starting to reach an international audience. Jason starts off with a rant about cell phones. It seems people don’t know how to socialize anymore. He was listening to the radio and they were discussing how over 50% of people in a restaurant were on their phones while having dinner with their families. Whether you are having a meal, at the playground, or anywhere else with your kids/family, put the devices down and pay attention. We learn face to face and that personal interaction is priceless. This is the recommendation in Stuff To Do. Simply put the phone down and play with your kids. In SuperCharge we talk about Kinetic Sand which is a really cool product that allows you to mold and play with sand even indoors without making a mess. Our email is from Gabe who asks if we are ever going to do video. While video recording would be nice, we simply don’t have the time/resources to currently do it. It’s an excuse but a pretty good one as video adds a big layer of complexity. Dr. Ellen Kreidman in Light Her Fire suggests we catch our kids doing something good for a change. We wrap up the episode with a quote from Jason “Put your phone away. Your child will appreciate it and so will your relationship with your child”.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Jason goes on a rant about mobile phones and his dislike for them.
Dad’s Debate (13:59) – What age does a child get a mobile phone?
Stuff to Do (23:09) – Put the phone down and play with your kids.
SuperCharge (25:37) – Kinetic Sand – moldable sand that doesn’t stick. It’s a combination of sand and Play-Doh.
Mailbag (28:55) – Gabe asks: Are you ever going to have video of your podcast?
Light Her Fire (32:18) – Catch kids doing something positive
Quote of the Day (37:02) – “Put your phone away. Your child will appreciate it and so will your relationship with your child.” – Jason Kreidman
The theme for episode 18 is Empathy. We talk about how we now have international listeners from Canada, Austria, Nicaragua, etc. The local news also stopped by to interview Jason. A brief part of the interview did air on the local news and you can see it here. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It really applies to everyone: kids, work, and your spouse. In SuperCharge we introduce the book “You are Special” by Max Lucado. It’s a story of Punchinello, the wooden Wemmick. The story reminds us that we are wonderful just the way we are. We then go into the The Battlefield and talk about how children need empathy much more than a solution. We often think because we know more that we need to provide advice. They just want to be heard. The Light Her Fire segment also discusses empathy in which women just want you to listen. Do not give them advice unless they ask for it. To emphasize this, we do Dad’s Homework which is to not give anyone advice for a week unless they ask for it. We finish out the episode with a quote from Stephen Covey: “When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Theme for this podcast is Empathy, International listeners
Supercharge (6:22) – The Book “You are Special” by Max Lucado
The Battlefield (12:50) – Being empathetic toward your child versus telling them things are ok.
Light Her Fire (19:28) – Listen instead of providing solutions
Dad’s Homework (26:01) – Do not give advice or instruction unless asked.
Quote of the Day (28:41) – Quote by Stephen Covey
Jason and Alan are once again joined by Vince, a friend of Jason’s and fellow member of the Dudes To Dads Meetup group. Vince has 2 young boys and sits in on the show. Jason begins the show telling the other guys about Mancrates.com which carries all kinds of gifts for men. It’s the man alternative to a gift basket and they are awesome. He also mentions the course Freedom To Be and the decision of how things and people effect us. We get into the Battlefield and discuss how we have the power over how to let things effect us. Jason offers an example that happened with his son and Vince provides a story he experienced at the zoo. You may have great intentions but you are stressed and probably not parenting in an ideal way or how you would want. Alan then brings up the topic about things you can’t do when you have children. In Light Her Fire, Dr. Ellen Kreidman gives us a great subtle way to be inclusive in our requests. For SuperCharge, Jason introduces the Flyebaby, an infant airplane seat. We close out the episode with a quote from Bill Reidler called Oneness. Be sure to subscribe via iTunes and sStitcher.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00) – Mancrates.com, Freedom To Be
The Battlefield (13:50) – How the elements of life effect how we parent.
Light Her Fire (20:36) – A subtle way to be in charge without sounding like your controlling
SuperCharge (36:20) – An infant airplane seat called the Flyebaby
Quote of the Day (39:55) – Oneness by Bill Reidler
In episode 16 we are joined by Vince, a friend of Jason and dad in the meetup group. Although the audio on Vince’s mic is hard to hear, Vince provides additional insight as the father of 2 young boys. We start with the mailbag with an email from Daniel who writes about how he feels his children should be doing more things on their own versus his wife who still helps the child with many tasks. We discuss how kids are very capable and Jason refers to some information he received in the Susie Walton’s Joy of Parenting course for age appropriate tasks:
1-2 years old – carry dishes to kitchen, throw away diapers 2-3 – help sort laundry, help make beds 4-5 – prepare cold cereal, set and clear the table 6-8 – vacuum, make their own lunches for school 9-10 – clean bathrooms, wash dishes
We mention the Diaper Genie which Alan was not familiar with. Then in Stuff to do, we dive into a discussion about the the book 50 Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do) By Gever Tulley. We mention a few of the dangerous things as Vince shares his experience, but here are the 50 things:
Lick a 9-volt Battery Play in a Hailstorm Master the Perfect Somersault Kiss Hello Like the French Stick Your Hand Out of the Window Drive a Nail Drive a Car Throw a Spear Make a Bomb in a Bag Play with the Vacuum Cleaner Throw Rocks Play with Dry Ice Boil Water in a Paper Cup Put Strange Stuff in the Microwave Throw Things From a Moving Car Drop From High Places Burn Things With a Magnifying Glass Walk Home From School Climb on the Roof Squash Pennies on a Railroad Track Spend an Hour Blindfolded Bend Steel Break Glass Construct Your Own Flying Machine Look at the Sun Learn Dramatic Sword Fighting Make a Slingshot Climb a Tree Perform on the Street Dam up a Creek Go Underground Change a Tire Dive in a Dumpster Deconstruct an Appliance Go to the Dump Poison your Friends Fly Your Homemade Kite in a Gale Learn Tightrope Walking Cook Something in the Dishwasher Find a Beehive Cross Town on Public Transit Break the Recipe Rule Book Whittle Make a Rope Swing Play with Fire Superglue Your Fingers Together Melt Glass Explode a Bottle in the Freezer Sleep in the Wild Your Project
The last segment of the episode is Light Her Fire in which Dr. Ellen discusses how women want a man of steel (strength) and velvet (softer side) and provides examples of each of those.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00)
Mailbag (3:57) – Question from Daniel worried that his wife treats their 4 year old like a baby.
Stuff to Do (14:28) – We discuss the book 50 Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do) By Gever Tulley Dad’s Homework (25:46) – Do 5 things from “50 Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do) within the next 30 days. Light Here Fire (27:40) – What do women want? Dr. Ellen will tell us in this clip that women want a man of steel & velvet
Closing Words, Goodbye (33:15) – Support us through iTunes and Stitcher by subscribing and writing reviews
In this episode we are joined by two divorced dads: Max and Craig. Each have gone through similar difficulties with divorce and offer suggestions and tip for dads who face this challenge. Divorce is not easy for anyone. When there are kids involved and you are in an adversarial relationship, it can be even harder. Join us on this episode and learn some tips how to better deal with divorce as a dad. Here are the major themes of the tips:
Get Your Logistics In Order Do not blame spouse regardless of circumstance The child is not the therapist Protect children from your dating Have the big picture in mind
We bring back the Battlefield and discuss sibling arguments and how to handle them a little differently than usual. It helps prevent one child from from being a victim over another. For Stuff To Do, we suggest asking your child to teach a class in which you are the student. Let them choose which topic or help them choose if they are younger. We then debated on the appropriate age for girls to begin wearing makeup. We didn’t have an answer but discuss how important it is to help your daughters feel “pretty” on the inside. We then move into Dad’s Homework in which we suggest writing your criticisms of your child rather than saying them. It allows you to still get it out without effecting the child. In Light Her Fire, Dr. Ellen discusses the negative game in which you have to kiss your spouse every time you say something negative. We then finish off the podcast with a famous quote by Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, either way you are correct.”
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00)
The Battlefield (3:56) – What to do when siblings argue?
Stuff to Do (9:22) – Attend a class taught by your child.
Debate (12:07) – What age is appropriate for girls to wear makeup?
Dad’s Homework (17:23) – Write down your criticisms of your child rather than saying it.
Light Her Fire (20:22) – Play the negative game
Quote of the Day (24:24) – Famous quote by Henry Ford.
We kicked off Episode 13 going right into a debate about compliments. Alan had brought up complimenting co-workers and where the line is drawn. Can you complement a female co-worker on her appearance? This is something we discuss. Then on Stuff to Do we bring back old school board games: checkers, monopoly, etc. Break out a board game and play. For the mailbag, a listener Riley asks about what the podcast will do when Alan becomes a dad. We then jump into Light Her Fire and Dr. Ellen talks about why affairs happen and what needs to be done to keep her. Our quote of the day also has to do with cheating and that guys are dogs. We close the show with Dad’s Homework, suggesting you go out and play a board game of which we discussed in the Stuff to Do segment.
SEGMENTS
Welcome & Intros (0:00)
Dad’s Debate (1:11) – Compliments and what is appropriate for co-workers or friends
Stuff to Do (8:32) – Play a board game
Mailbag (11:26) – What happens when Alan becomes a Dad?
Light Her Fire (13:52) – Why do people cheat?
Quote of the Day (17:04) – About the double standard
Dad’s Homework (21:22) – Play board games with your child
For episode 12 we begin with the Battlefield. The topic for this Battlefield is getting your kids to clean. Jason expressed his frustration with this topic and invited experts to contact the Dudes to Dads with any solutions. We then discussed a bingo game called Berenstain Bears Keep Your Cool Game. This is recommended for ages 5-10. It teaches kids how to distract themselves, understand their feelings, solve problems, and more. Then in Light Here Fire, we heard Dr. Ellen with her famous quote “Women fall in love because of the way they feel about themselves when they are with you.” We then provided Dad’s Homework in which you are supposed to compliment your woman for no reason. Do it at a random time and say something about how you love her. We finished out Episode 12 with the Quote of the Day which was by Robert Orben.
SEGMENTS
Welcome and intro (0:00)
The Battlefield (4:38) – Cleaning, how to get kids to clean up
Stuff to Do (11:11) – Go to the local library
SuperCharge (14:23) – Berenstain Bears Keep Your Cool Game
Light Her Fire (19:01) – Women fall in love because of the way they feel about themselves when they are with you.
Dad’s Homework (23:46) – Compliment your woman for no reason.
Quote of the Day (26:13) – Quote by Robert Orben
In this episode, we start with a quote by Harry S. Truman. We then go into the Battlefield and discuss kids clothing choices and specifically talk about the desire of many children to wear costumes EVERYDAY. Do we really need to care? During that segment, Jason also shares his appreciation for Susie Walton, and her Joy of Parenting classes. We suggest buying a children’s joke book in Stuff To Do and then in SuperCharge talk about the book The Tickle Monster and how laughter is so great, especially a child’s laugh. Our Light Her Fire segment is about opposites attracting and we close with Dad’s Homework, offering an alternative to always giving your kids advice.
SEGMENTS
Welcome and intro (0:00)
Quote – by Harry S. Truman (4:30)
Battlefield – Clothes, wearing costumes (5:43)
Stuff To Do – Children’s joke book (12:13)
SuperCharge – The Tickle Monster Book (14:43)
Light Her Fire – Opposites attract (17:02)
Dad’s Homework – Instead of giving your kid advice, ask them what they want (19:56)
After our intro and welcome statements, we begin Episode 10 with Stuff To Do in which we discuss making forts with your kids. The kind of forts made out of sheets, pillows, etc. While the process of building the fort is fun, hanging out inside the fort can be a great experience for you and your kids. We then read and answer an email question from Tony of New York who asks how to go out on date night with a limited budget. For SuperCharge we discuss the Moonjar Classic Moneybox: Save, Spend, Share . You can follow the link and help support our podcast when you purchase it. We then share a clip from Light Her Fire about viewing your spouse in a positive way rather than negative. We then give dad’s some homework of viewing your kids in a positive way. We close out the episode with a quote.
SEGMENTS
Welcome and intro (0:00)
Stuff to Do – Make a Fort (5:50)
Mailbag – How do I go out on a date with my wife on a limited budget? (9:22)
SuperCharge – Moonjar Classic Moneybox: Save, Spend, Share (12:36)
Light Her Fire – Viewing Positive vs. Negative (17:59)
Dad’s Homework – Turn 3 negative statements about your kids into positives (24:22)
Quote of the Day – Sold Out ice cream truck (27:50)
We start off this episode with Stuff to Do. An idea is to include your kids when you are cooking. They love to help and be involved. We then answer an email with a listener asking about what to do when bringing kids to a restaurant. We then dive into SuperCharge where we discuss www.dadgear.com. We then introduce a clip from Dr. Ellen Kreidman who discusses how having a loving relationship with your spouse is the best gift you can give your kids. This means you have to make the effort to spend time together. We also discuss Dr. Ellen’s date night formula for a successful relationship. As per her advice, the homework is to go out on date with your significant other. Get dressed up, plan it, and make it special. We then close the episode with a quote that also confirms how important the relationship of the parents is and how the kids see that. If you want them to be in a healthy relationship, you must model that behavior.
SEGMENTS
Welcome and intro (0:00)
Stuff to Do – Cooking or Baking with Kids (3:05)
Mailbag – What to do with kids when out at a restaurant? (7:31)
SuperCharge – Cool Dad Gear (12:55)
Light Her Fire – Give your kids the best gift of all, a loving relationship with your spouse (15:55)
Dad’s Homework – Go on a date with your spouse (22:02)
Quote of the Day – from LoveOfRomance.com (24:09)
Michael, a Member of the Dudes To Dads Meetup group in Encinitas, shares some elements about his fatherly transition, including the way he deals with tantrums as well as a delivery room horror story. The day of the delivery of your child is exciting, emotional, and even scary. When unexpected things happen, it can be even worse. Can you really ever be prepared? Most people are concerned with the woman, but of course the man is going through his own things as well. Join Jason, Alan, and Michael as they discuss these stories and more.
The Dudes To Dads Podcast welcomed special guest Scott Kilian, Certified Financial Planner. Scott is a regular contributor to our dads meetup group in Encinitas, CA. In this podcast, Scott shares 5 Essential Financial Tips for Parents. Scott indicates he is a dad first and a financial planner second. The financial tips Scott offers are very important to consider when planning for you and your family’s future. Everyone get’s excited and interested in investment options for their children, but to even our surprise, there are things you need to do before you start investing. Scott lays out 5 tips including:
1) There must be a commitment from both of you to do Fiancial Planning. One of the suggestions is to switch off the family CFO role every 3 months. He discusses why that is important.
2) Get the cash flow in check – Make a budget. You should understand your net worth, including personal financial statements. We discuss some ways to get these done.
3) Get out of debt – Debt is the worst killer of any financial plan. Do everything you can to eliminate the debt first.
4) Pay yourself first – Parents get excited about setting up a 529 plan for their kids yet they have debt or no 401K. Scott explains why this may be a bad choice.
5) You must do Contingency planning – Long term disability insurance is more important than life insurance and Scott discusses why he believes this is the case.
Join us on another informative podcast learning some financial tips along the way.
For this episode we introduce and explain Meetup.com and where the foundation of the Dudes To Dads Podcast came from. Alan and Jason are joined by 2 dads from the local Meetup group, Scott and Nathan. Scott provides insight as to his style of parenting which includes providing looser boundaries for his son. Nathan shares stories about his kids and how his parenting style differs a bit from Scott. During this episode we cover some questions that relate to where to get advice, challenges faced as a new dad and pressure that is put on kids. Jason reflects on his own childhood and how that pressure is not necessarily positive.
QUESTIONS
Where do you currently get advice? (2:12)
What were the biggest challenges you faced as a new dad? (14:30)
Why do we put pressure on our kids? (28:00)
We began Dudes to Dads Episode 5 with the mailbag and discussing children sleeping in your bed. We then discuss transitions and talk about playgrounds or other places where kids don’t want to leave and the struggle that can cause. Jason instructs you on how to create a family mission statement and provides homework for dads. On SuperCharge, we learn about TagaBikes and how cool they are for both parent and child. We debate the use of video games and learn about a 5 second compliment to give to our women. We close Episode 5 with a quote by Jim Valvano and teaching your kids something valuable.
SEGMENTS
Welcome and intro (0:00)
Mailbag – Should children sleeping in bed with you? (6:45)
The Battlefield – Transitions for kids (12:50)
Stuff to Do – Create a family mission statement (16:34)
Dad’s Homework – Catch your child doing something positive (21:28)
SuperCharge – Bike/stroller combo (24:20)
Debate – Video games (27:27)
Light Her Fire – 5 Second Compliment (35:35)
Quote of the Day – by Jim Valvano (38:42)
Dudes to Dads Podcast Episode 4 begins with Stuff to do and the idea of switching off telling the story with your child. We then go into the battlefield in which Jason shares a story about his daughter falling asleep in the middle of yelling. We discuss baby sign language, an email from a woman listener, and playing games at dinner. There is a tip on how to display your affection in public for your woman as well as a debate on whether spanking is ok or not. We finish up the podcast with a quote by Lyrical Master.
In this episode of Dudes to Dads, we have “The Battle” which discusses the difficulties we can experience at dinner time. Do you we make different meals for each child or do they get what they get and have to accept it? We discuss taking the regular boring “walk” and making it interesting. Learn how to reduce colic. This simple trick can reduce the crying and discomfort a baby experiences. We also share an activity you can do at dinner with your family. We wrap up the show with a tip for making your spouse feel great at work.
Episode 2 of the Dudes to Dads Podcast has the show broken into segments and discuses many different aspects of being a dad. One way to connect with your kids to start a collection. you can share in the joy together of collecting, whether it’s coins, dolls, baseball cards, or even rubber bands, as Jason shares a story from when he was a child. They also discuss diaper rash and how the product Butt Paste came in extremely handy in Jason’s house with his kids. We then discover the power of starting a day with a 10 second kiss and how that can change the mood for the entire day. Then final Jason offers homework so that Dads can practice a simple task which can have a dramatic positive effect with your children.
Episode 1 of Dudes To Dads Podcast. This podcast is the first recording and introduction of the show. Founder of Dudes To Dads, Jason Kreidman, explains why he started the organization as well as the podcast. Alan Bush, the producer and Dude of the show also provides insight and feedback from the non-dad side. How do we navigate this thing called Fatherhood? These guys aren’t quite sure, but we all get to go along on the ride together. They talk about parenting, relationships, and everything else about going from Dude to Dad.