Being there for your kids: Recent Episodes
Jonathan C. Robinson, PhD
Parenting is the most important job we have for which we almost never have any training. This podcast offers glimpses into effective parenting choices and communication
Bad things happen to everyone. It's how we handle them that develops our character and defines our lives. Really bad things can leave emotional scars that need healing. When those scars generate flashbacks to traumatic events, that's the heart of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Check out this podcast and get a context for your healing journey. Blessings, Jon
Healthy boundaries are the emotional elixir of strong relationships. When we maintain healthy boundaries, we balance self-care with other care. Feelings are not hurt. Good choices are made. Everybody is valued and all of us get along. Great! Easy to identify and talk about. Hard to put in place. With this podcast, I'm sharing with you the substance and context of setting healthy boundaries and also giving you an example from a therapy exchange. My new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, gives more concrete examples and shows how mentalligent psychotherapy can light your path on your healing journey. Blessings,
Jon
In effective therapy, there are 4 stages. As you go on your healing journey, these mile markers will guide you. Check them out. Blessings, Jon
Rubber bands hold the key to our healing journey and mental health. Wait. What? Think about it. Rubber bands are so unassuming until you use them. Their use comes from their ability to stretch, expand, and gather essential parts. Does that sound like personal human growth to you? Ponder the rubber band with me. Blessings, Jon
Life is stressful. Good stress, called eustress, as well as bad stress, which we all know as distress. You can't get away from it. The best way you can deal with stress is to develop resilience. Being resilient gives you the tools to overcome any adversity and to develop healthy stress management. Today I offer the ABCs of mastering resilience. Whether you are among the stressed (aren't we all?) general public or a helping professional looking for the latest tools of innovative psychotherapy, check out this new episode.
Deciding to start psychotherapy and be a monumental decision for someone. You're stuck in your life. Probably have been there for a long time. You've tried other options to no avail. You want to get unstuck and forge a new life for yourself. In my clinical experience over 40 years, I've noticed 4 types of clients. Accordingly, they tend to complete their therapy in certain lengths of time. Mentalligent psychotherapy can help you zero in on your treatment goals and make the most out of your therapy experience. Check it out. Blessings, Jon
Getting into psychotherapy is a big, big deal. Some people jump right in. Most, however, are reluctant to invest the time and effort into healing. Go figure. With encouragement and commitment, therapy will begin. Your healing is a journey, while therapy is the process that can focus and energize your healing journey. This piece identifies the four stages of the therapy process and resources to facilitate your journey. Check it out. Blessings, Jon
Ya know? Getting unstuck is so hard to do because we are so used to being stuck. Ugh! Today I'm sharing with you my way of using mentalligent psychotherapy to help people make the shift from stuckness to healing. We are all used to the familiar, even when it is unhealthy. Embracing the new involves moving your mindset from the unhealthy, which is familiar to you, to the healthy, which is unfamiliar. With practice, then, the healthy becomes more familiar, your new normal. Check it out. If you are curious, get more from my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life. Blessings, Jon
Emotional baggage is a reference to the issues that we've endured from our past and that threaten to define who we are in our future. It's time to dump your emotional baggage. Mentalligent psychotherapy is a means of addressing your stress and stuckness, shedding a downward spiraling, and soaring into your future on the upward spiraling of your healing journey. Mentalligent psychotherapy uses three interwoven treatment strategies to help you soar. Mindfulness sets the stage for your journey. Positive psychology changes your focus from what's wrong to what's right. Cognitive behavioral interventions clean up your personal mess and clears you to soar. Check it out.
We all experience loss. How we handle it defines it as a blessing or a curse. While we first go to friends and family to make sense of it all, if our grieving and depression linger, we can benefit from psychotherapy. Mentalligent Psychotherapy (MPT) is an excellent resource for you.
Mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) elegantly weaves the treatment strategies of mindfulness, positive psychology, and cognitive behavioral interventions into a fabric of healing. Your therapist is your guide on a healing journey. MPT lifts you up from the downward spiraling of depression and promotes ways to maintain upward spiraling.
What if questions generate anxiety. I wonder statements generate curiosity. When you want to calm down, switch out your what if anxiety into I wonder curiosity. Being curious about your circumstances always has a calming effect. Check it out.
What's going on with you in here is equally important to what's going on out there. Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are generated from adaptive brain functioning. Mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) is designed to optimize adaptive brain functioning. Here's an example.
Blessings,
Jon
Did you know? What you pay attention to grows. If you labor on what's wrong, you might mis what's right. In this podcast, I help you find the blessing amidst the struggles and difficulties of your life. Mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT) is a means of doing so. Check it out.
Living life on the edge can be both precarious and thrilling. Sometimes the balance is worth it. Other times, the toll can be debilitating anxiety. Take a moment to check out this podcast and learn just how you can talk yourself off the edge, overcoming adversity, improving stress management, and restoring resilience. Blessings,
Dr. Jon
One of the realities of life is that what we focus on grows. Focus on the negative and it grows. Focus on the positive and it will grow. In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I incorporate positive psychology as one of three major treatment interventions, artfully interwoven, to define mentalligent psychotherapy. "Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative. That's What it's all about." A cute song back in the day that embraces positive psychology. Check it out.
People often dismiss being mindful as psycho-babble. Just talking stuff to sound cool. And yet, if you are in emotional crisis, being weighed down by past experiences and dreading the future, then learning mindfulness can be a part of your lifesaving healing journey of mentalligent psychotherapy (MPT). In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I identify mindfulness as one of three critical treatment strategies of MPT. To avoid the gap if your depressive past and your dreaded future of more of the same, stay in the present. Mind the gap.
We change our minds all the time. Most is, whatever. But, when you start therapy, it's about changing your mind permanently. With mentalligent psychotherapy, your efforts to trade in downward spiraling for upward spiraling is about developing new neural pathways, using your brain's neuroplastic characteristic, to effect positive outcomes that last forever. In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, you will find the means to make those changes to your habits, personality, and relationships that will serve you well for the rest of your lifetime. Check it out and consider changing your mind.
Unless you find yourself in emergency circumstances, sorting out all of your options for beginning therapy is a good idea. To that end, I encourage using my 6-week rule. Check it out.
Every once in a while, something new comes along that is exciting, provides a critically different perspective, and just fills the bill. Such is the case with a new treatment strategy, Mentalligent Psychotherapy (MPT). Among the ABC's of therapy, MPT is the new kid on the block. Following is a brief introduction. Get more by looking into my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, available at amazonbooks.com. Blessings, Dr. Jon
When we face adversity, our "stuff" brings us down and we can get stuck. Some people actually say their life feels "like I'm spiralng out of control. Getting through our adversity and stress involves changing direction, from downward spiraling to upward spiraling. Mentalligent psychotherapy is a means for changing your life direction and soaring, that is, finding ways to manage your stress and maintain resilience when life gets you down. Check out this podcast for more. Blessings, Jon
Much of counseling and psychotherapy feels like same ol' same ol'. In my new book, The Healing Journey: Overcoming Adversity on the Path to the Good Life, I offer a paradigm shift on how we can engage in effective therapy. Whether you are looking to start therapy yourself, you are learning how to do therapy, or you want to add to your toolbox as a seasoned therapist, check out this podcast. It might be just for you.
If you seem to be stuck in unhelpful same ol' same ol', they it might be time to consider starting psychotherapy. Therapy is a great way to embrace new beginnings and find healing. Mentalligent psychotherapy is a treatment strategy used to help you find your healing journey. I have a new book out that helps you get started. Check out this article.
We all define our success in different ways. How we define it impacts how we raise our children. Success comes in moments of time, not only is reaching your goals or accomplishments. Use your relationship with your children to help ground them in the foundation for successful living, and then be their with them in their struggles to model how a successful lifestyle empowers them.
When the worst thing happens with your child, do you doubt if you are passing or failing in your parenting? The key choices you make in the moment define your success or failure at the most important job we all have in life, the legacy we give our kids.
Long car trips can be a bore for everybody, but especially for kids. Are we there yet? is a common refrain that can lead to turmoil if not addressed. When IPads and cell phones are not available, consider filling the time with family car games.
We are more than related individuals living together. We are a family. But what contributes to our identity as a family? One element are the family rituals we keep. Check out this podcast and consider how your family rituals bind you together.
All kids love to blow and play with bubbles. Popping them in flight is such fun. Lifestyle bubbles, however, not so much. Here I share my thoughts about how we can help our children expand their experiences by avoiding lifestyle bubbles.
Did you know? Your child's sibling place in your family matters. First-borns, middle children, and youngest child all have certain personality traits in part because of their position in the family. In this piece, I underscore those traits according to birth order and encourage parenting patterns for each child that takes their birth order into consideration. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Jon
Teens often seem to be in their own world. But, do they really want to be? Their universal goal is to form their own, individual identity, which will carry over for their lifetime. Sadly, that goal can be at great expense to others in their world. Coming to terms with your teen means accepting where they are at any given moment, being there for them, and helping them navigate those troubled waters.
What kind of parent are you? Are you the good guy? the bad guy? the strict disciplinarian? the lax one? All kinds of parenting. Hopefully you are a bit of each of these. If so, add to your list, the cuddler. Cuddling is essential to relationship-building and to character-building for your child. Make time to cuddle each of your kids regularly.
Parenting often seems limited to stern lectures, supervising chores, helping with homework. While these things may represent the hard work of parenting, it's important to meaningfully plan playful time with them. The concept of playful parenting provides the foundation for your children listening to you, accepting your direction and leadership, and being a part of the family. Here are my thoughts on playful parenting.
Legacies come in many forms. They could be the family business, a piece of property, some passed-down item from family antiquity. If we are looking at qualities, rather than stuff, helping your kids learn and use being resilient in life is a great legacy. Resilience is making the best out of a bad situation. It's dealing with stuff in a positive, redeeming way. It's learning to draw the blessing out of even the toughest situation. Resilience, pass it on to your kids.
Next to life, death, and marriage, residential moving can be waaay up there as stressful. Following is an article my colleague, Cheryl Conklin at cheryl@wellnesscentral.info.
Having moved 8 times in my life, I share your pain. Hopefully, these eight tips can smoothe the transition for you. Blessings,
Jon
How does your family handle the loss of a loved one. It's going to happen. How does it affect you and your children? In this podcast I ask the question, "Is Dying Painful?" I then outline the stages of grieving and things you and your family can do to cope with the loss, experience the grieving, and continue moving on.
In today's busy, non-stop, electronic world, how much time do you think you actually have with your kids and as a family? Thinking about and applying the categories of quality family time will promote family gathering and interacting, despite all the obstacles that could get in the way. Here are some thoughts.
Kids are all over the place. Keeping up with them is a hassle. Teaching and molding them is an even greater task. Here I offer two keys to "training them up in the ways of the Lord, so that, when they grow old, they will not depart from him." (Proverbs 22:6). Active Listening is the royal road to healthy relationship with your kids. Knowing the Four Stages of Parenting helps you stay in sync with them. Keep these tools in mind, as you find teachable moments with them.
Every family has at least one character. You know, the one who draws attention in funny, silly ways, the jokester. Having a character in your family, however, is different from helping your kids build character. In this podcast, I list several ways for parents to help their kids build character.
The only 3 universal events all of experience are death, taxes, and change. Change happens. It's how we handle it that matters. The tone you set for your kids will greatly impact how they handle change in their lives. Here I offer 2 rules of change. Get these rules in your head and you can set the tone for how well your kids handle inevitable change.
You don't have to, but you want to. Nobody told you to. You came up with it all by yourself. This is the origin of being kind. Isn't is strange that we may give up our seat on public transit for an elderly or handicapped person, but we're not typically kind to those we love? Check out these comments to find three encouragements for becoming kinder in your family.
All kids act out. It's one way that they explore their world, assert themselves, and nurture their natural curiosity. However, there are three kinds of acting out that create difficulties both for you as the parent as well as for your child. Check out this podcast to learn more.
Have you ever had your child jerk your chain so hard that you couldn't wait to give them a piece of your mind (or maybe THE BELT)? What parent hasn't? Today I have such an example. However, I put the example in context as a learning experience for your child. Making your child into a "mini-me" is not the goal of parenting. While our kids are the best and the worst of both of their parents, first and foremost they are who they are. The takeaway" Kids will be kids.
As parents, we all are hard-wired to fix things, problem-solve, kiss the boo-boo. That is sufficient most of the time. But what about when your child is in an emotional meltdown? That's when he needs your compassion. Help him to weather the emotional storm before trying to make things better. This way, you give him the tools to right his own ship when he's grown and you're not always there anymore. Check this out. Blessings, Jon
Families have drama all the time. It comes in all shapes and sizes. How you handle the drama in your house sets the tone for all others living there. I've given three examples, the wrong ways to handle them, and a sample of healthier ways to handle them. Make sense? If you want to share your drama with me, contact me at www.thereformykids.com.
Every parent has a superpower, but often it goes unused. When things are great at home, at work, with your kids, well, life doesn't get much better than that. When things are not so great, that's the time to invoke your superpower. Resilience is your superpower. In this column, I explain all the facets of resilience and give an example of mom using resilience to recapture equilibrium. Check it out.
Are you an "Ella?" She's a young mom caught up in a life she can't seem to escape. She has spent all of it preparing to die. In my brief article, I share the differences between preparing to die and preparing to live. Some minimal lifestyle changes can make a world of difference. Blessings, Jon
Home stretching the school year. Time to get summer plans started. In the first letter, mom frets over summer expenses, kids' activities, and not getting enough me-time. Planning ahead and delegating, with accountability, works wonders. In the second letter, mom is all over an upcoming residential move ruining summer fun activities. I encourage planning for both/and, rather than either/or. Families can both get the packing/moving/unpacking successfully done and also make time for fun during planned breaks.
Even though the pandemic is mostly behind us, some families are still reeling from its effects. My first letter asks about using family planning meetings to plan for summer activites. I encourage full participation, using active listening and problem solving to create a great, fun summer for all. A mom writes me in the second letter feeling overwhelmed with kid activities and bemoaning no time for herself. I encourage her to look at the circumstances in both/and terms, not in either/or terms. With supervision and accountability in place, there can be self-caring for mom without kids running wild.
Stuff happens. Even bad stuff can happen. How you all respond to it helps define the kind of family you are. In my response to the first letter, I help a mom sort out ways to help her younger son deal with tragedy that befell her older son. In my response to the second letter, mom is befuddled as to why her 5-year-old has migraine headaches and how to deal with them. Feeling a kindred spirit? Check them out.
Showing interest and involvement in your child's schooling is a blessing of good parenting. Where she might be having difficulties, it can be helpful for you to supplement her classes with schooling at home. The one-on-one attention you give her can help her catch up, become more interested, and enrich her potential. Emily Graham, a "mighty mom" indeed, offers suggestions for maximizing your child's school experience.
Danger lurks and tragedy can occur in a nanosecond. Being aware of some statistics regarding child safety will help you focus on prevention. Know the potential dangers and take the appropriate precautions. Check out the quicklink references for more information.
Bullying is a pervasive phenomenon, particularly in schools, but also with adults in their workplace. Wearing glasses can be a trigger for being bullied. Nvision provides this article on the topic, and I'm happy to share it with you.
Very few families get by on one income these days. It takes two incomes to make expenses in most homes. That means someone, even both of you, will be juggling home, work, and kids. Mastering the baby balance takes some effort. Check out this podcast to find some ways to keep things in balance.
A "mompreneur" is the best mom combined with the best entrepreneur. Creating an in-home business can be challenging, but also rewarding. It can be a whole family endeavor that creates teachable moments and connectedness. Here are some thoughts by guest columnist Emily Graham to help you get started
How can you both corral the kids, but also get them to be helpful and useful during stress-filled holidays and moving days. These two letters tackle this question to help frazzled parents get through family transitions and difficult times. Check them out.
Holidays can be chaotic, with kids home from school for chunks of time. Beginning with a family meeting, these times can be fun for everybody. Getting everyone involved from planning to completion is the ticket to having holidays go well for your family. In my second letter, mom is having a pity party about not having "me-time." I helped her distinguish between selfish and self-caring. Getting "me-time" is about planning for it, keeping kiddos supervised and occupied, and making the time for yourself.
Transitions of any kind are stressful. Moving your family into a rental can be the worst! The following article comes from contributing podcaster Cheryl Conklin. Check her work out at https://wellnesscentral.info/ Great stuff!!
Families aren't supposed to be win/lose propositions. We need to build them to be win/win for all members. Making family plans for the summer can be taxing and stressful, where one or more family members feel left out. Enter the family planning meeting. This process gives everybody voice. The first letter addresses this. In the second letter, mom fears not getting her own needs met. I encourage her to switch her mindset from either/or to both/and. As long as kids have supervision and accountability, mommies can get their needs met too.
This pandemic has taken its toll on all of us. While things are much better, we're not there yet. How can you be there for your kids and for others in these tough times? The first letter is from grandparents who want to be active again. I counsel, go, but go slowly and with safeguards in place. A mom writes me about her son's best friend who is very ill from this pandemic. While encouraging her son to talk our his feelings, in his time frame, I also encourage creative ideas for the boy to be there for his best friend in these tough times.
Summer is almost here. Kids almost out of school. What to do? What to do? A mom shares her frustrations and worries about planning amidst pandemic and world crises. Active listening is the tool to use to help calm your kids down. After you have their attention, use brainstorming techniques to open up a family planning meeting. Any and all options are on the table, within family time and money constraints. As an extra, I've included my own family meeting activities list to activate the brain cells. Blessings, Jon
Tragedy can befall any family at any time. In the first letter, mom wants help not with her elder son who is quadriplegic, but rather with her younger son, whom she fears will be left out. There's a place for all in the family, no matter what the trauma. In the second letter, how could a sweet, adorable, little 5-yr old girl suffer from migraine headaches. Mom is fraught with worry and concern. I helped her come up with options to help ease her daughter's pain.
Parenting a special needs child is challenging under any circumstances. Add COVID-19 and the situation compounds. This podcast is not letters, my usual format, but rather an article sent to me that I'm passing on to you. Take heart. You can both self-care and tend to your special needs child.
What to do when one of your kids embraces the awe of Santa Claus, and her older brother intends to burst her bubble by saying that Santa is "not real?" As parents, we are to respect our children's developmental stages and convictions, while guiding them away from power plays. Also, how do we keep the family and spiritual side of Christmas alive in our family? In the second letter, mom is frustrated with the disruption to kid bedtime with the change of routine around the holidays. Ideas?
Stuff happens. As parents, we are charged with helping our kids when stuff happens. In our first letter, mom asks about psychosomatic tummy aches her 6 year old daughter is having. Yes, psychosomatic illness is real, not "all in your head." I give her some hints for easing her daughter's pain. In our second letter, mom wants help with her middle schooler having to wear an eye patch the rest of the school year. Cognitive reframing is at tool mom can help her son use to adapt to his awkward, difficult circumstances.
My letters this week are preventive in nature. One mom wonders if her son's behavior is symptomatic or normal. I talk about distress and eustress, and how stress is normal. The six-week rule is good to go by. If your concerns last longer than six weeks, what you are noticing may be symptoms. My second parent wonders if it is a good idea to have yearly mental health wellness checks, just like our kids have annual physicals. What a great idea!
All of our kids know more than we think they know. When we are faced with adversity, share with them in an age-appropriate way. In my first letter, dad feels bad about not being able to afford a used car for his younger son, after having gotten one for his older son when times were better for the family. Active listening his frustration and jointly problem-solving options will be helpful. In my second letter mom fears her 6th grade son being bullied by eighth graders in middle school. Being a "helicopter parent" never works, and deprives our children of figuring things out for themselves. Instead of "doing for," consider offering wise counsel and brainstorm what to do if bullying occurs.
We all have breaking points. With the pandemic, our buttons are being pushed more frequently. It's all just too much. In my first letter, a mom is frantic about her son's senior year in high school being all topsy-turvy. He's not handling the changes well. I encourage her to go to him and ask permission to talk with him. When he agrees, she will want to active listen without judging, criticizing, or even coming up with great suggestions. Let him take the lead, while she advises and supports. In the second letter, mom and dad are frantic to tend to their 5 yr old and everything else in their lives all at once. I reinforce what they seem to be doing right, and then suggest some behavior management strategies to help their son be successful. Soon, all of this pandemic will be just a memory.
The holidays are upon us and all of us want to get back to a normal gathering, putting the pandemic behind us, right? Uh, no! With vaccinations in full swing, gatherings are more do-able, but with good planning. In my first letter, I share with the writer several ways to plan for low risk family gatherings. In my second letter, Debbie Downer laments celebrating the holidays this year for "just the two of us," because of distance and limitations. I encourage creativity in making a special occasion for the two of them. Also, I share two rules for addressing depression that will also give the holidays a boost for DD.
In these difficult times, we are all called upon to make the best of it. With both anxiety and depression on the rise during the pandemic, how can we plan get togethers and still be safe? In my first letter, a mom laments that her 5 year old's birthday may not happen as the little boy would like. I give her some options and encourage her active listening her son's frustrations and disappointment. My second letter comes from a teen, at her mom's encouragement. With her 13th birthday party on the rails, she concludes "This pandemic sucks!!" I help her make plans that are both fun and safe. How can we make the best out of a bad situation?
The holidays are coming up and listeners have lots of questions on their mind. Here are two holiday favorites. The first listener asks how to address her teen's thoughtful question about how Christmas came to be celebrated in December when that wasn't Jesus' birth month. I encourage the mother/son dialogue and offer some research. In the second letter, mom is frustrated with her tantrum-throwing 5 year old. Remember the rule, children will always test the limits. They test them to be sure they are there. I encourage mom to active listen her son's frustrations, set healthy boundaries, and mutually problem solve with him after his emotional fever has gone down.
We all only get physically born once, so it's a big deal. The annual anniversary of our birth is the one day a year that we can claim as our own. As parents, we want our child's birthday to stand out as special. In the first letter, mom is hurt and saddened by her son being left out of another playmate's birthday party. Active listening his feelings and finding alternative ways to help that day be special will help him deal with a tough situation. From the second letter another mom wants suggestions about how to have 2 parties in a single day, with her daughter and her best friend wanting to move away from their joint birthday celebration. I suggest that mom is looking at a problem, when it is really a symptom. Redirecting her will put her more on target.
Hi. I'm glad to be back after vacation. My first letter to me today comes from a mom who is puzzled over whether or not to allow a boy/girl birthday party for her 13 year old daughter. I encourage them to talk it through thoroughly and advise her daughter of the Principle of Responsible Freedom in planning for her big day. In the second letter, "Stuck" fears giving her 10 year old son a surprise birthday party that may undo him. Active listening is the tool for this mom, to help her son sort through all of his feelings about the event and to include him in the details. Blessings, Dr. Jon
Every year children and parents go through the ritual of starting the new school year. Got everything you need? Know where you are going? What's for lunch? Where are your classes? These are things all kids and parents need to know to start the new school year. In my first letter today, mom fears letting loose her middle school son to get his own new school year clothes. I caution that the letting go process should have started with his birth and share some thoughts about applying that principle now. In my second letter her 4th grade daughter is telling mom not to treat her like a baby anymore. Sound familiar? Here's how to cross that bridge of "tweenager" with your child and for yourself. Check them out.
Birthdays can and should be always special. Be creative. Think outside the box. Sometimes, circumstances need to be considered as well. My first reader wrote with questions on how to stop a potential train wreck, with their son's grandparents taking charge. Setting boundaries and being assertive while also being appreciative is the message of the day. My next letter was from a mom whose twin 10 year olds want to do things differently this year. Handling twinship while encouraging individual identity is the message here. Blessings, Jon
A new mom wrote me recently about how overwhelmed she is. Trying to do it all is always exhausting. I encouraged her to share her feelings with hubby and then divide and conquer home chores and newborn bonding time. With the uncertainty of the Delta Variant of the coronavirus and the possibility of a second pandemic lockdown, another mom wrote her many questions that all parents have with the new school year looming. Active listening, honesty, and reliable information will work for her and her family. To be on the safe side, get vaccinated, socially distant, mask, and hand wash.
Two of the letters I received this week both involve handling the new in family functioning. In the first letter, Adam's parents are aghast by 2 yr old Benjy is dealing with newborn brother Adam. I encourage these folks to look at Benjy's behavior not as problematic, but rather as symptomatic. In the second letter, mom is feeling underappreciated as her brood gripe about getting ready for the new school year at summer's end. Active listening, followed by family problem-solving does the trick.
Birthdays at any age are about feeling special and doing something fun. Sometimes, however, things come up and we are thrown into a birthday quandry. In the first letter, mom is hurt and confused when her son is not invited to a neighborhood child's birthday party. I help her navigate that social sleight. In the second letter, best friends have the same birth date and have always celebrated their birthday party jointly. This year, however, they want separate parties. Is this about wanting to feel more special, or is it something else. I help mom encourage her daughter to wonder what else is going on and where this request came from.
As parents, we have lots of opportunity to discipline, teach, and remind our kids. But do we routinely show them kindness? In Scripture, Proverbs 22:6 states, "Raise your children up in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, they will not depart from Him." That's a tall order, but with life-changing impact. By all means remind, teach, and discipline your kids, but also add moments of positivity, praise, and acts of kindness. That's the legacy worth passing on to them.
In this first letter, the writer is having frustration carrying all of the parenting load. I give her steps to help hubby get on board and help out more. In the second letter, mom wonders why her punishment of her child seems to do no good on his behavior. Help your child make good choices, rather than use his power with siblings. Trade in "punishment" for "natural consequences."
My first mom wrote me about wrenching guilt when she wanted "me-time" away from her kids. All of us need me-time. Your options are not either/or, but rather both/and. Creative problem-solving with the kids helps all of you win. The second letter is from a family whose summer plans have been upended by job loss and limited funds. Take time to put together a family meeting where you can share the load and brainstorm ideas for having summer fun with limited expense. Keeping the lines of communication open with your kids is always the path to emotional intimacy, cooperation, and bonding.
Transitioning from school year to summer schedule can be challenging for some families. In this first letter, mom laments that their vacation planning is "never good enough" for the kids, who complain regardless. Including the kids in the planning process always goes a long way. In the second letter, mom is frantic to corral her brood after school is out for the summer. Taking account of structure, supervision, and accountability makes for smooth sailing through summer activities.
The first letter is from a parent who is concerned about whether her child's nail-biting behavior is symptomatic of anxiety. What exactly is stress? My second letter is from a parent who asks if there is such a thing as mental health wellness checkups for the family. What great questions. Check out this podcast to see how I answer them. Blessings, Dr. Jon
Starting school and starting the teen years are two troubled times for all kids. Parents are tasked with helping them navigate these difficult terrains. In the first letter for today, I heard from a mom who wants tips on helping a good teen keep up the good work in school. Praise and revising homework patterns come to mind. In the second letter, the mom of a 5 year old victim of bullying in kindergarten is frantic to stop her child from being bullied. Practicing helpful confrontation and also asking the classroom teacher to have the guidance counselor give an anti-bullying presentation to the class will go a long way toward keeping her precious away from bullying.
Both letters today are about making birthdays special for our kids. In the first, the parents set up a "free pass" birthday rule, where Alex was not punished for any rule infractions, but only on his birthday. Is this a good idea, a good way to make his birthday special? In the second letter, mom wants to know how to handle kid sister who expects to be a part of her big sister's sleepover birthday celebration, when big sister is saying "no way." Can mom find a win-win solution that makes the birthday celebration special for both children?
My first letter addresses adolescent issues with your teen who is really a good student, but seems to be slacking. Considering new homework rules and using the Principle of Responsible Freedom is the ticket. For my second letter, we switch to a petite 5 year old victim of bullying in her kindergarten class. Active listening, role-play, and proactive parenting will equip her to handle the bullying. Have other questions? Email me and I'll respond, both personally and on air. Blessings.
While kids usually accept that they have to go to school, they don't always want to. Even natural transitions can make going to school tough. In the first letter, a mom asks questions about whether and how to get her twins off to preschool. Following that letter, a desperate mom is frantic about her middle schooler's meltdown. Navigating these tough times with our kids is what being there for them is all about.
Being a new parent is the toughest job any of us ever have, for which we have NO training. With just our own parents for reference, we usually want to be just like them, or nothing like them. Navigating nighttime for newborns can be exhausting. Here, I offer some tips.
A basic questions all families face is this. Who's in charge? If you don't clearly define that you are in charge, your kids will run rough shod until you take control. Securing rules, boundaries, roles, and expectations is a start. Reward and consequence systems follow and families can be comforting and run smoothly for all.
Two letters I selected typify extremes of the spectrum. In the first, parents want to get back to their lives after being vaccinated. In the second, a little boy is devastated when his best friend is hospitalized. Being creative but cautious is the theme in each of these letters. While we can't let COVID-19 control our lives, we do need to take every precaution.
How to put together a fun birthday party for a 5 year old during the pandemic can stretch your creativity. This young mom of 3 preschoolers has her hands full. What could be available options? Next, a 13 year old young teen is bummed by the pandemic restrictions which, in her words, "suck." Helping her get out of her funk is the challenge. Do you have parenting questions for me? Email me.
More letters on parenting issues. My first mom is really concerned about her spiralling son whose senior year in high school is crashing because of the pandemic. Some thoughts, but also helping her consider getting him into therapy if things don't improve soon. Another letter is from "Freaked" who frets over balancing the needs and demands of her family, as they all stay-at-home. Encoourage detailed scheduling and balancing me-time with family demands.
A year has passed since the first coronavirus infections in the United States. We are all finding our "new normal." Many listeners have been emailing me with questions about adjusting to this new normal in our lives. Today starts a new series on my podcast, where I will be sharing with you some of these letters and my responses. Today, mom laments changes in how she will celebrate her 6 year old's birthday party. Also, another letter decries all the changes in family functioning for everybody to get things done. Message me when you have questions of your own. I will respond personally and within a subsequent podcast. Blessings, Dr. Jon Robinson
Many kids feel banished to their rooms and not come out until that homework is finished "young man!!" Home schoolers can feel isolated throughout their school day. As parents, it is vital that your kids know that you are there for them as they struggle to complete assignments. Draw on and draw in other resources to bolster your child's homework and home schooling experience. As they find more creative, engaging, unique, and interesting ways to tackle assignments, with your oversight, school becomes more of fun experience. Help your kids use all of the resources at their disposal. Be the sounding board. Active listen when you see them being stuck. Be the cheerleader with their efforts and their success. It takes a village to school your child.
Everybody who has failed, raise your hand. Yep, that's everybody. If your hand's not raised, you are lying :( Interestingly, failure is a critical part of success. How can we know what's right, if we first don't know what's wrong? How you handle your failures provides a critical role model for your kids. How you help your kids deal with failure is a critical component in their building character. When you help them see that each failure is also a blessing in disguise, you help them build up steam to learn more.
Getting your child to embrace homework can be rough. Complaints, stall tactics, moaning and groaning can abound. After clearing the way with active listening and helping him get down to task, help him see and start with his strengths, what is shorter to complete, what he's good at. This strategy helps him build up a positive head of steam heading into the hard stuff. Find ways to break down the hard stuff into more time manageable pieces. Go for shorter work times with alternating break/fun times. With these successes, he will be better able to tackle the harder stuff.
Everything happens for a reason. If your child is not getting down to task as you directed, try to understand the context for his stalling. Such questions as, "What else is going on?" and, "Why now?" are good starters for conversation. Use your active listening to help him lower his emotional fever, and then help him problem solve before redirecting him to task. Understanding the context for his delay, and resolving his distraction, will clear the way for his focusing fully on the task at hand.
As important as the 3R's of schooling are, and adding to the list the fourth "R," the goal of parenting our kids through their school experience is helping them build character and develop a growth rhythm. That's what serves them best in being all they can be as an adult. Being a good role model, helping them make good decisions, teaching them about putting their energies into what's most important are all ingredients to good character and a good growth rhythm. Our kids find 80% of their personality in their interactions with us, only 15% with their peers, and just 5% on their own. How we are with our kids will define how they will be with others. Are you up to the task?
What kind of home school teacher are you? It's tough bouncing back and forth between being parent and teacher to our child.How do you navigate that? It is critical in this context to embrace the 4th R of schooling. The original 3Rs are reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic. Most important, however, and the best context within which to teach the first 3Rs is the 4th R, relationship. Of course, as the parent, you are constantly aware of building your relationship with your child. As home schooling parent, you want to come from a position of earned authority for your new role. By understanding your child's school needs, wants, and feelings, you can better craft a learning experience for him. Therein lie multiple academic and life-based teachable moments.
When helping your child with schooling, balance your approach. As you can work with each other with mutual respect, the task becomes easier and quicker for each of you. Use your active listening to settle your child into task. Brainstorm options for task completion. Plan ahead and use a daily planner dry erase board so that your child knows what to expect each moment of each school day. Give clear, specific, and time sensitive for better cooperation. The more creative and unique you can make the tasks, and the more involved you can get your child in the process, the better the outcome.
You wouldn't start a DIY project at home without the proper tools, would you? Of course not. Some parents, however, just let their kids do homework and home school willy nilly, whatever. There's a saying that applies here: For anything worth doing, you get out of it what you put into it. To help equip your child for academic success, give him the proper tools to get the job done. To create the habit of homework and home schooling, equip your child with structure and routine. Application of these tools consistently leads to their ultimate tool, muscle memory. Muscle memory enables your child to get it done without hassle, distraction, or excuses. It leads to greater efficiency on task and greater retention come test time. Structure, routine, and muscle memory are tools for academic success
Quick changes in activity level tend to throw a child off kilter. While this might save time, such quick changes actually extend the fussing and delaying before getting into the rhythm of the activity. Double for homework and home schoolers. To make the most of difficult situations, active listen your child's foot dragging and frustration about doing schoolwork at home. Make sure ahead of time that the time alotted for study is consistent and dedicated. Add a 5-10 minute transition time both to address stall tactics and excuses, and also to help your kids gear up for the task of schoolwork. Finish school time with another transition of 15-30 minutes where you can heap praise and positive reinforcement on them. Transition sets the tone for home schooling.
Having to deal with all of this pandemic stuff and we also have to help our kids stay on top of their schoolwork? Really?? Yep, that's a sign of our times. How you get started with this task will set the tone for how it's achieved. Use your active listening to hear your child's upset and frustration. When you see the emotional fever subside, start problem-solving. Plan ahead and stick to your plan. Set parameters. Alternate fun with work. Be with him in the moment. You've got this. You can get through it together.
So, you don't have enough to do? Now, with stay-at-home orders, you have to collar your kids to do their on-line schoolwork as well? Can we get back to normal yet? If you have these questions, you are not alone. I've compiled a list of my top ten tips for parents helping kids with schoolwork, whether its just homework, online, or full out home schooling. Keep these things in mind as you make the best out of difficult circumstances, while also building a positive relationship with your forever child.
Whew! We are all under the gun. This COVID-19 pandemic has each one of us scrambling to stay safe and trying to do our part. Stress management strategies are at a premium in these tentative times. As parents, we all need to model effective stress management and promote resilience with our kids. Included in this podcast are four suggestions for dealing with our current crisis. Also, remember, find the blessing in the tough times. What a great time to really meaningfully connect with your kids. How are you gonna do that?
Many of us, sadly, tend to live beyond our means. That's a problem for two reasons. First, it's an easy way to find trouble. Second, it's a poor role model for your children. If you start keeping a budget early in your marriage, then when kids come along, it's easier to keep the budget going. Kids learn to manage their money as well. To avoid living beyond your means, budget your needs first. Then, and only then, factor in your wants with the money left over. If you are living hand to mouth, practice saving, scrimping, and planning ahead. Where you come up short and wants are out the window, use a family meeting to let the kids know the circumstances, active listen their frustrations to lower their emotional fever, and then brainstorm options for living within your means.
News flash!! You don't have to do this parenting thing alone. Even if you are not lucky enough to have a village, even if you are a single parent, the buck may stop with you, but there are lots of options along the way. As you are able to expand your parenting resources, both you get relief and are able to manage your stress better, and also your children learn new things and experience new relationships. Of my top 10 tips for parenting success, tip number 10 is this: Draw on and draw in other resources in your children's lives.
You know what? Stuff happens. It happens to you, to me, to your children. It's not the stuff, but rather, what we do with the stuff after it happens that matters. As parents, we are constantly teaching our kids about how to be good people. Most all of those lessons come from helping them turn failures into blessings in disguise. Many parents kneejerk their reaction to their child's pratfalls. Instead, I encourage you to take a breath, comfort, active listen, and then help her problem-solve to turn that failure into a blessing in disguise.
With the current stress of pandemic on all of our lives, and possibility for discouragement as our routines are disrupted, I'm breaking into my top 10 parenting tips to help out. Our new normal, shelter-in-place, can lead to parents and children going bonkers! Or we can adapt, do our part to stop the spread of this killer virus, and make the most out of difficult times. In this podcast, I give you 4 suggestions for keeping stress and discouragement at bay, while also finding quality time with your family. What a great opportunity for emotional intimacy and teachable moments!
That old parenting adage is true. What you pay attention to grows. If you focus only on the bad behavior, it will grow. If you reinforce the good behavior, it will grow. When helping your child get over the rough spots, use their strengths to help them overcome their weaknesses. Use your active listening to understand their feelings. Join with them where you can. Supervise their efforts. Some how make the tough stuff fun. Who knows, you might find a teachable moment in there somewhere.
Wouldn't it be great if we, as parents, could raise our children by ourselves, in a vacuum devoid of school and social influences on their lives? Yeah, well...uh, no. Our children's lives are so much more enhanced by their interactions and learning experiences with others. We are, however, tasked to give them a firm foundation, both in personality and in life. This gives them opportunity to navigate school and life more successfully. We also need to be aware of the school and social influences they encounter in their lives beyond our family. How can we help them make good choices if we don't at least know the broad strokes of their lives. The trick is to be informed without appearing intrusive. This is where active listening and receiving permission to jointly problem solve helps.
Parenting tip #6 for parenting success is this: Be aware of developmental stage influence. Parenting is tough enough without taking in all the extraneous variables. One of those variables is developmental stage influence. Throughout our lives, we are in one developmental stage or another. Sometimes, these stages collide with each other if the family. For healthy, positive parenting, know both what developmental stage influences there are in play both for your child and for yourself.
As parents, our lifelong task is to help our children build character. Through good times and bad, how can we do that? Three functions contribute to this outcome. First use active listening to help convey that you understand what your child is going through. Second, consistently use the Good Kid Chart to give him target behaviors to work on and reward and consequence based on his efforts. Finally, use Restrictions That Work, a process of showing your Judgment, Compassion, and Grace based on how well he gets the impact of his actions on self and other. With your efforts to help him build good character, he will become a responsible, respected, empathetic, and compassionate adult.
Kids tend to gravitate toward immediate need gratification. If it isn't "now," what's the point? While we all want need gratification, and the sooner the better, there is a place for advanced preparation in tackling life's challenges. As parents, we can help our children choose process over outcome in their decision-making. While at times, focusing on the process feels like swimming upstream and is a hard sell for kids, the result is stronger character, better decision-making, and learning how to develop a means to a desirable end.
While many families mistakenly believe that parental respect is a right and deserved regardless, such beliefs put that family at risk. Parental respect is earned by our words and actions. Many parents use fear to command respect from their children. However, we can use active listening, healthy boundaries, and direction to earn the respect of our children. When we fear and power to demand respect, the relationship is lost and kids are just going through the motions to survive a difficult situation. When we focus on relationship, not power, a mutual respect grows and thrives.
Normal daily transitions for all of us include asleep/awake, to/from work or school, coming home, day/night activities, and awake/asleep. These and other unusual or specific transitions all can give us pause, if not trouble. In particular, children are susceptible to disruption around transition activities, unless you plan and prepare for the transitions ahead of time. Usually, a 5-10 minute transition time is sufficient to help smoothen it out.
Start where your child is. That's tip number 1 of my top 10. Your child's words and actions will give you a hint as to where he is emotionally at the time. As best you can, let him be and give him time. Make observations and offer to be his sounding board. Active listen when you get his permission, but don't try to change him. Help him figure it out for himself. Help him understand the impact of his words and actions on himself and on others. Help him be mindful. Being present where he is forms the foundation of a healthy parenting relationship.
I know you really want to do your best at this parenting thing. With all the distractions, confusion, and mixed messages, successful parenting can be hard. As a quick reference, and to make it a bit easier, consider my top ten helpful hints for successful parenting. These helpful hints will both help you put your concerns in context and also lead you to a strong, relational bond with your children.
None of us has ever been a parent before we had our first child. Parenting is often doing the best you can in sometimes difficult, trying times. While you do have to set limits, give direction, and follow through on consequences, it also helps to "catch them being good." What does that mean? Well, it's a kindness thing. Kindness comes in three forms: focus on being positive, practice praise, and demonstrate acts of kindness, especially when least expected. Not only are you parenting with kindness, you are also modeling for your children how to be kind to others. That teachable moment is quite a gift.
First newborn baby? Can we say equal parts of joy, love, and terror? How do we do this parenting thing. Most new parents determine to parent just like their parents or, (where there were bad experiences), just opposite of their parents. In any case, it's a new experience for you. So, be physically present. Cuddle lots, coo, tickle, play peek-a-boo. Also, be aware of how your new baby talks to you. Babies have different cries, you know. There's the I'm poopy cry, the I'm hungry cry, the I want your attention cry, and, of course, the I'm just messing with you cry. Learn to interpret their cries, and expand their world with new things and with new curiosities. You baby will truly be a bundle of joy.
Are you in relationship with your children? Of course you are. Then you are communicating 24/7/365. It is physically impossible to not communicate. Soothing, explaining, directing, stony silent, staring. All forms of communication. Chapter 1 of my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is entitled, "Communication Is Relationship." Whether you are using verbal or nonverbal communication, you are communicating with your children. How you say things is just as important as what you say. And guess what. Your children are always watching you and modelling your behavior. Given that you cannot not communicate with your children, be careful what you say and do. Your relationship with them depends on it.
When our kids are hurting, you want to active listen their feelings. However, if you start every response with, "You feel..." soon your child will tune out, even if you are helping. So, dare to be different in active listening. Mix it up. Stay current with what you think he is feeling. Keep eye contact and throw in a few encouraging comments like, "Wow", "I think I see," and "Tell me more." Variety will help your child stay connected with you in his pain, letting him know that you really want to understand and to help him address his pain.
For kids, testing the limits is a developmental imperative. Why? They do so to help define their boundaries. Without limits, kids would be perpetually anxious and fearful. Boundaries and limit-setting by us parents give them the calm and security to function in the world. If your boundaries are fluid, she will try to take advantage of that. Fluid boundaries can lead to a sense of entitlement, where she believes she can do what she wants, whenever, with no consequence. Boundaries set responsible expectations on your child's behavior and helps them navigate the world better. When your child tests your limits, firmly set them with reward and consequence, finding yet another teachable moment
Our kids are always paying attention to us, even when they seem not to be. When they have issues, you want to pay better attention. Empathy is a passive, "I understand what you are feeling" kind of message that my not get through. Active listening is more precise. "Wow! You sound like you feel awful right now." Active listening is your go-to response whenever you child is upset. Be there for her. Don't problem solve, don't criticize, don't minimize what she is feeling. She is hurting, and your active listening is the balm that soothes the pain she is feeling and helps her work through it.
You can visually see what a healthy relationship looks like by imagining a transparent, Plexiglas pyramid. The pyramid shows levels of your relationships, starting with your relationship with God, above the apex of your pyramid. Extending downward are levels with your spouse, children, extended family, coworkers and acquaintances, and strangers. The quality of each relationship is related to how well the relationship above it fares. As you are able to best take care of your own needs and feelings, you put yourself in the position to bless others with agape, or unconditional, love. That's the stuff of which teachable moments are made.
Sometimes, hopefully not often, our kids behavior is out of control. In these times, they either act out, or they act in. Actor outers are impulsive, angry, feel misunderstood, and believe they are entitled. Actor inners are withdrawn, isolated, and feel bitter and unwanted. Both are in an awful place. As parents, we love our children whatever emotional place they are in, and we help them get to a better place. Active listening, collaborating, and problem-solving help them get there. Confronting and consequences help our acting outers feel less entitled. Encouraging social engagement, fun activities, and outlets help our acting inners feel less isolated. Being there for your kids is always where you want to be.
Stealing is a universal child behavior. The question is size, damage, and whether he gets caught or not. Developmentally, stealing behavior falls under the category of testing limits. What to do? Stop the behavior. Confront, try to talk to your child to help him understand his needs and feelings through active listening, and give consequences. When stealing goes unaddressed, it leads to impulsivity, acting out, and a sense of entitlement, where he believes he can do anything he wants and without consequences. While any stealing is not okay, it can become a very valuable teachable moment
Nobody likes trouble. It's not like we invite it into our lives. But, guess what? It comes knocking for all of us. So, when trouble come knocking at your door, or when your kids are in trouble, consider a response that includes total honesty and good timing. When people lie, they only double their trouble. When people delay their response, it creates uncertainty and concerns about minimizing or manipulating. Much better to confront trouble at the door, when it comes knocking, rather than waiting for trouble to come in and set up shop in your soul.
Sometimes our kids come to us and tell us they are having a problem. Most time? Probably not. So, when you sense that something's going on, but your child is not forthcoming, how can you tell? First, notice any differences from the normal that your child is demonstrating in terms of mood, attitude, behavior. Second, make your observations in a non-threatening way and ask about what you see. If she doesn't want to talk about it, give her space and let the next move be hers. Prying it out of her almost never works. When she's ready, use your active listening to help ease her feelings and encourage her problem-solving with your assurances that you've got her back. This is the way to really be there for her.
What do you worry about? Job? School? Family? Health? Sooo much to worry about. Did you know that 80% of your worry is for nothing? This is called destructive worry. It's worrying about things over which you have no control. The weather, your boss's mood, the stock market. All you can do with these things is give up your worry. Go with the flow. On the other hand, 20% of your worry is for something. This is called constructive worry. This is worry about things over which you do have control. How well your presentation goes tomorrow. (prepare) What to give your bride for your anniversary (ask). Worries generally start with the question, "What if...?" How about replacing this worry with curiosity, "I wonder..." Then follow that wonder with a presupposional phrase, "I wonder how well I will do during my presentation tomorrow." So, don't worry. Be happy.
What's a benevolent despot? The two words seem to not go together. Despots are usually dictators, ruthless bad guys. When you are benevolent, you help others. You are kind and giving. How can a parent be both benevolent and despotic? Think of a king during the feudal Middle Ages. He had a castle with a big wall and moat around it. The villagers lived outside the walls of the castle. However, they were protected by the king. He showed them kindness and compassion, understood their needs and feelings. Because he was benevolent, the villagers shared their bounty with him, worked for him. As in a family, the benevolent despot parent is the final authority and has the final say. However, you take into consideration your children's needs and feelings when exerting your authority. Such families thrive and teachable moments abound.
Whether you are the mom, dad, or other parent figure, you lead your family unit. It comes with the job. How your children follow depends on how you lead. When we think of leadership, most folks are aware of the dominance or submission as leadership styles. The dominant parent declares "my way or the highway," and keeps the family in line with fear and power. The submissive parent says a lot of "yes, dear. what else can I do for you?" A fear of rejection often drives the parent to be submissive to the children. The submissive parent keeps the family in line by giving in, which generates a sense of entitlement in the children, an attitude of "I can do what I want without consequences." Wow!! No thanks. Lesser known is the parental leader of the family who presents as a "benevolent despot." You are in charge. You have earned authority in the family. What you say goes. That's the despot. Your leadership, however, is driven by empathy, compassion, and understanding of needs and feelings. That's the benevolent part. How do you lead your family?
The two most significant moments for us parents in our children's lives are that moment of birth and their launch from adolescence into adulthood. We prepare our children for adulthood through their teen years, letting go little by little. As they learn individually to make good choices, exercise responsibility, and be accountable, they are ready to launch. Just as in our space launches, we parents remain in ground control, while our teen/young adult is in his space craft. He occasionally makes mid-course corrections, as he charts his path to his destiny. These booster rockets come from our consultations with him, just as ground control stays in contact with the spacecraft. We move from advice-based parenting (I remember when I was your age and had similar difficulties) to consultative parenting (I have some thoughts on what you are going through. Do you want to hear them?). Always, we are on the lookout the proverbial emotional fever, to which we respond with active listening. We praise his successes and are allowed bragging rights. Mission accoomplished. Our teen/young adult is launched.
Isn't it interesting that you just know when your child is having a problem? It's like your "spidey senses" tingle. It's great that you are that tuned into her, but what are you drawing on to figure it out? You child gives off both verbal and nonverbal signals when something is wrong. There's no pattern here, except that what she is saying and doing is typically not like her. In fact, some parents just come right out and ask, "Sweetheart, this isn't like you. What else is going on?" This podcast tells you about BMIRs, that is, Behavioral Manifestation of Internal Response. BMIRs tell the rest of the story and then you get the whole package. Problems will happen. Sometimes our kids are reluctant to share. It's a good thing when your spidey senses are on alert. When you get permission from your child, use your active listening to calm her down and then encourage her proactive problem-solving to help her tackle what's up.
We all have stress, probably all the time. It's either distress or eustress. It's how our body and mind react to bad stuff and good stuff, respectively. As parents, we need to monitor our children's stress levels by being there to help them talk it out through active listening, and also by modelling how we effectively manage our own stress. The first step is to breathe deeply and meaningfully, to give our bodies immediate relief. The next step is to help our child think through ways to avoid such specific stress in the future. Finally, both model and encourage proactive stress management through good eating, sleeping, and physical conditioning habits. In these ways, stress management can lead to teachable moments.
As parents, our natural instinct is to defend our children, to fight their battles for them, to protect them at all costs. But is this natural instinct the most helpful for your child. The answer is, not necessarily so. Your response to your child's problems depends on the kind of battle and the age/stage of your child. However, as with any situation where you see his emotional fever spike, start with active listening, to bring the fever down. Then ask permission to give your thoughts about his conflict. Where some response from him is indicated, collaborate with him about what shape that response will take. Your overall message to him is, I love you. I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time. I have confidence in your being able to make sense of all of this and to work it out. I've got your back. Therein lies a teachable moment
You know, stuff happens. As the parent, you want to handle that stuff in the best, most effective way. Frequently, parents use time-out to handle stuff. However, how you use time-out is more important than that you use it. Some parents simply put their child in time-out "until I say so." This is unhelpful. It makes the parent feel good, feel powerful, but most children simply wait out their parent and don't learn what to do to avoid punishment in the future. Effective use of time-out is simply to give your child time and space to calm down. When they are calm, then they can hear you better. It also gives you time to think through how you want your child to benefit from the time out. If you see your child's time-out as his punishment, he reaps no benefit from it. It simply becomes a power game. When you sit and talk with your child after he has calmed down, using your active listening and defining accountability and responsibility, your relationship is enhanced and you both reap benefit, a magical moment.
Do you ever stop parenting your child? Nope. You signed on for the long haul. In Proverbs 22:6, Solomon cautioned us parents to "raise your children in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, He will not depart from them." That's pretty daunting. What you say to your children, how you act, how you parent, will be with them for all of their lives, whether you are there in person or not. Just as there are stages of child development, so too are there stages of parenting. When your teen reaches adulthood, you shift your parenting from advice-based to consultative. He's grown and make his own choices, but you are available to impart your wisdom, if he asks. Be available. Beyond time and distance, your parenting is lifelong, and with your availability comes potential teachable moments.
It's true. Indispensability is a curse!! If you have to be the one to do the job and get it done right, then you are failing as a parent :( Doing it yourself may be a short relief and save you time and steps, but it is a longer term problem. How will your kids learn sharing, helping, and personal responsibility if you are doing it all for them? If you are indispensable, then you are doing too much. Also, you can't be your best self if you are always doing for others. Jesus called us to love one another as we love ourselves. That is, take care of your own needs and feelings before tending to others. It's like the direction that airline attendants give passengers before takeoff. In case of a problem and the air masks drop down in front of you, put your air supply on yourself first, so that you can better help others around you. Build self-care into your time management and include it in family planning and calendar events. Don't give up on yourself, caring for your family at your expense. Down time is a blessing to all of you.
Why is active listening such a big deal? It is the go-to response when you see your child in any kind of stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, what I call an emotional fever. Active listening calms her down and is the balm for her distress. When you are active listening your child, you are conveying your efforts to say back to her what you think she is feeling. You are not judging, not criticizing, and certainly not solving her problems for her. You are conveying to her that you are with her and that you have confidence in her handling her situation well. You get what she's going through and you've got her back. When you see her emotional fever subsiding, only then can you ask permission to share your wisdom with her. This conveys your respect and confidence in her. Active listening is your most valuable communication tool when parenting your children through their inevitable tough times. Active listening is a big deal.
Being alone is a funny thing. Sometimes it's good, renewing, and delightful. Other times it's alienating, foreboding, and unwanted. As parents, we want to understand and allow for all of the moods that our children may experience. He's been in his room by himself a long time now. Does he just want to be alone? Is he lonely? Is something going on? Rather than guess or hope he is okay, check it out. Seek him out and assess his mood in conversation. If he shows signs of an emotional fever, use your active listening to help him calm down. Encourage his participation in family time. Respect his privacy, while also reminding him that he is a part of family. His mood could be a symptom of other issues, such as anxiety, depression, or stress. Use joint problem-solving to help him find tools to address his concerns/issues. This is great parenting that generates teachable moments.
You know, as parents, we all want the best for our children. We all want to protect them from harm. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, bad stuff happens to our precious little ones. Unless you have a protective bubble you can keep your child in, they have to learn to deal with bad stuff. Bullying is the worst. Whether it is physical, emotional, or cyber, bullying can leave a lasting mark. What to do? First and foremost, be there for your child. With younger children, be their advocate with the adults who have authority over the bully, With older children, support their coping mechanisms and strategies for taking care of the crisis themselves. Make sure that they know you have their back if need be. Use your active listening, coordinate problem-solving, help them feel empowered in avoiding/handling the situation. Note, physical confrontations of the bully might feel best, especially if you child prevails, but comes with consequences and fears of their becoming the bully to others themselves. As your child's advocate in bullying situations, you are empowering them and providing a very teachable moment.
Who's the boss in your home? Of course, you are, right? It's not who's the boss that is in question. It's how you boss that tells the tale. If you are authoritative, then it's "My way or the highway." It's power-oriented. Things get done, but at what expense to the family and to your child? If you are permissive, then it's "Yes, dear. Whatever you want." It's still power-oriented, but your child has the power. Things may or may not get done to your liking. If it's authoritarian, then you confront, active listen, encourage, give rationale, set boundaries, and monitor progress. This sounds like a lot, but raising your child is your first 24/7/365 job, and you want to get it right. Authoritarian parenting happens when you are still the boss, but you parent according to the needs and feelings of all involved. It's not power-oriented, but rather relationship-oriented. And still, "Yes. Ya hafta."
All of us get out of sorts sometimes, teens in particular. You know, the go away, get out of my life, leave me alone mood? Been there, done that. When you are confronted with that mood in your house, try not to slam him for being disrespectful. Rather, draw on your capacity for emotional intimacy, share something personal, relevant, and meaningful with him, and use your active listening when he is ready to talk about his dark mood. He will be shocked at just how much you do understand what he's going through, how much you get him. This well of emotional intimacy is the glue of all healthy relationships.
It's true. Babies in particular, but also children, teens, and grown-ups all cherish soft, gentle, loving physical touch. Touch is our nonverbal way of affirming the relationship we have with our children. I call it snuggle time. Especially in transition with babies up to pre-schoolers, such as around bedtime, snuggle time eases the transition and calms your child so they can gently fall asleep. Snuggle time is a universal bonding experience. Celebrate your child's victories and console him in his losses. It's what family does where others may not. Snuggle time is a teachable moment where your message to your child is a version of, You can do this. You got this. I've got your back. Yaay, snuggle time.
As parents, we usually don't admit it, but, we all have favorite children. You know, the one you seem to get, to mesh with best, who gives you the least amount of hard time. Nonetheless, in raising siblings, as parents you want to evenly and equally be both good parent and bad parent when it comes to discipline. When the job of discipline falls on one of you, the other has to back up and support your spouse's disciplinary measures. Where this doesn't happen, the family is open to manipulation and dysfunctionality. On the flip side, each of you wants to have positive, fun, engaging time with each of your kids individually. In doing so, you are modelling for your kids that both discipline and fun come with the job of parenting. This helps build character in them.
Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends." Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer group, predominantly at school and recreational/sporting events. The remaining 5% of our children's personality is original and develops between ages 15 and 25. They put the finishing touches on who they are becoming as an adult. Constructive me time helps them do that. If your teen is a good student, responsible, accountable, helpful, and engaging, then his me time is well earned and part of his growing process. If these qualities are not in place, and he uses me time to shut out the world, or to enter the mindless activity of gaming, texting, and finding trouble, then confront, active listen, coordinate, and help him out of his hole. Productive me time can help teens find the finishing touches of themselves, and you can be available as a sounding board to advise and consult.
We all live in a cybernetic age. Computers, algorythms, gaming, texting, all just a few quick clicks away. Wow! What a temptation for our children...and for us. Woulddn't it be nice to have some research to back up your concerns. And, let's throw in some practical time management rules, so that our computers work for us, not the other way around. Well, here they are.
Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question into an "I wonder" statement, and add a positive outcome to his curiosity. Rather than being locked up in worry, you can help him establish a goal toward which he can take steps to accomplish. For example, "What if I fail my spelling test tomorrow?" becomes, "I wonder how well I will do on my spelling test tomorrow?" The what if locks him up in unproductive worry, while the I wonder motivates him to study harder to do better on the spelling test. Help him practice switching from what if to I wonder with several situations until the change comes second nature to him.
It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can practice making good choices for themselves.
When your child is on your last nerve, sit him down for some productive problem-solving. Start with "This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a blank stare or a one-word answer, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know enough about your child's life to come up with several options of what could be stressing him. Use active listening to help lower his emotional fever. When you see him settled, ask permission to help out. That's when productive problem-solving can happen. The result is setting helpful boundaries within which your child can make good choices, and you will no longer have to live so close to your last nerve.
All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The trick is moving from unhealthy to healthy and staying there long enough for it to become familiar to us. This is a journey that you can take with your child, to help him the person you (and God) want him to be.
When our natural tendencies as parents are to yell, lecture, and pull a power play, it can be hard to spot an emotional fever, and harder still to use active listening as your go-to parenting tool in that situation. As awkward and uncomfortable you are when you first try to active listen your child, keep at it. Even better, own up to your efforts to change your approach to parenting and ask for feedback from her. She will get a kick out of helping you out. Shoe on the other foot kind of thing. Practice, practice, practice, and you'll get the hang of this active listening. Trading in power plays for greater emotional intimacy is well worth it. We all have teachable moments, don't we?
When all is well and your child is curious, you have a natural teachable moment, where you can impart your wisdom. When your child has a problem, after you calm him down with active listening, you can ask permission to help him solve it and morph that exchange into another teachable moment. When you have a problem with your child, you can start to settle him down by asking, "This isn't like you, son. What else is going on?" Kids usually don't answer essay questions very well. When he is puzzled or silent in response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know him well enough to hit on some things that may be weighing him down. Now you've gone from conflict to teachable moment. His consequences for the conflict will have more positive effect if they come within the context of a teachable moment.
Our children are constantly growing, getting bigger, developing their adult bodies. That growth will not stop until age 18-25 years. If your child is a bit pudgy, she will likely grow into her adult weight without extra effort. We all tend to grow out before we grow up. However, if her weight is a concern for her, or if it limits her fun activities or self-image, then you may want to help her address her concerns. First, active listen her feelings. Help her fully understand how she feels about her current weight. Then, with permission, give her the stats on her current weight. If she does not have a medical condition, called obesity, then her being a little pudgy can be addressed with nutrition, weight management, and behavioral strategies. Let her take the lead on if/how she wants to address her concerns, but have her back in terms of cheerleading, food prep, and exercise. If you could stand to lose a pound or two as well, then join her in her adventure. Joint goals are always a shared experience that can lead to greater emotional bonding and teachable moments.
Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.
We all want our children to have friends. They are the source of fun, fellowship, and play. But can we choose our child's friends? The answer is yes, but at cost to your relationship with your child. Do you want to risk that? Rather than simply say no, use your active listening and wise counsel to help you child make good choices. Also, with younger children, their friends are usually the children of our friends. Further, putting them in places where you have confidence of good friendships, and where there is adult supervision, such as play groups, sports, and club activities, gives you influence without making the choice for him. Choosing your child's friends is a slippery slope, and your healthy parenting skills can keep you off that hill.
It's great when things are going well with your child and between you and her. These good times are when you can instruct, direct, check-in, and offer teachable moments. When your child is in a funk, however, use active listening to hone in on her feelings and to help her sort them out. Active listening is the way to be there for her, helping her sort through all of her feelings and helping her work on getting through her stuff. It's not about judging, criticizing, or even solving the problems for her. It's about listening, really good, for her feelings and sharing back with her what you think is going on, so she can problem solve. In such a way, you really connect with her, leading to a valued teachable moment.
Your kids have lots of things on their minds. You have wisdom for them. However, if you just drop it on them, you are likely to miss your mark. Look for entry points, where your words will have meaning. Where you see a wrinkled brow, a sigh of frustration, other signs of emotional fever, start by active listening. Now you are on the same page. When you believe he is ready to hear your wisdom, ask permission, such as, "I have some thoughts about what's going on with you. Do you want to hear them? Likely, you will get permission to share. If you don't, then follow with "Okay, then. Let me know when you'd like my help." This leaves the door open and your child receptive to your wise counsel. Asking permission always strengthens relationship.
Of course you want your child to grow up to be healthy and well in mind, body, and spirit. We all want that for our children. Sadly, that won't happen if tragedy strikes. As your children make their way through life's stages, keep vigilance, instruct them, be there for them. When your children know that you have their back always, they can feel confident to tackle life's challenges and reach their goals. Use active listening. Find teachable moments. Challenge them to think through their choices and decisions before making them. Help them find a nurturing network of kindred spirit where they can have healthy fun together. Keep them safe at all cost.
And you thought helping your child stand and walk, get his homework done, making friends was the hardest part of parenting. Nope. It's simply letting go. Letting your child try and fail is a better lesson than doing it for them. The best lesson we will ever teach our children is how to handle their own problems well. When a lesson opportunity comes up, instead of jumping in with "no" or just giving her the answers, ask, "Well, how do you think you should handle this situation?" Brainstorm together, active listen her concerns, ask permission to give any ideas you might have, but let the outcome be hers, but with your supervision and built-in accountability. This is what I call the Principle of Responsible Freedom. I will give you the freedom you request, and expect you to be responsible. If at any time you are irresponsible, then I will pull back on the freedom. Even the hardest part of parenting can be a teachable moment.
We know that children go through developmental stages, but did you know that we parents do also? Our parenting stages identify the best kind of parental response for what your child is doing in their developmental stage. It would be silly to tell our newborn to get his own bottle, huh! So, as parents, we go through hands-on parenting, directed parenting, advice-based parenting, and consultative parenting as our child ages and matures. This match gives us the best opportunity to connect with our child and to guide them successfully through life. As our child grows and matures, we go less for him and more with him, offering teachable moments all the way.
Every child goes through a stubborn time or two...or three or four... Stubborn attitude is actually a good thing in moderation. It's your child's way of asserting herself, testing her wings, defining her personal identity. It's also a challenge to your authority, a stalling tactic, and can lead to relational distance. As the parent, you can use your power and ascribed authority to make her do what you say. Sadly, while you could do that, you would likely lose emotional intimacy with her. Alternatively, you can use your relationship to help her work through her stubborn streak and make it a teachable moment. After using active listening to lower her emotional fever, with permission, give her agreeable options that help her do what you want her to do. When she yields and complies, be sure to thank her for her cooperation and "big girl" decision. Yep. That's a teachable moment.
In a healthy family, chores are not only essential to family functioning, they provide opportunity to show responsibility, pride, cooperation, and negotiation. Children even as young as 18 months can participate by helping to put up stuffed toys. As your children get older, chores get more involved. When you get blowback about doing chores, use your active listening skills to help calm your child down. After their emotional fever has subsided, get input about how they want to complete the task. Not doing chores is not an option, but how and when they are done may be. Make chore completion a fun thing. Crank up the music. Do each of your chores at the same time. Saturday morning? The celebrate with a fun activity afterwards. Doing family chores together is both essential, relationship-building, and chock full of teachable moments.
No parent likes saying no to their child, but it comes with the job. Effective, healthy parenting includes strategically saying no to your child. If you always said yes, your child would end up with a sense of entitlement. That is, believing that she can have and do what ever she wants, and with no consequences. Wow! That would be a disaster waiting to happen. So, stick to your guns. Set healthy boundaries, When you get blow-back, active listen your child's feelings. When she settles down, explain your rationale if you want to. Then help her implement your decision and take responsibility for her part. In this fashion, your saying no to her is part of her building healthy, responsible character and a very teachable moment.
Worrying is common problem for all of us. It's helpful in considering all the possibilities, but it's not helpful when it gets us stuck in a downward spiral. For both parents and teens, getting unstuck from worry involves turning your "what if" thoughts into "i wonder" images. What if keeps you still, while I wonder gets you moving. For extra motivation, add a reasonable, possible, positive outcome to your efforts. So, what if I fail the test tomorrow, becomes, I wonder how well I will do on the test tomorrow. This generated curiosity creates energy toward achieving that curious positive outcome. As the parent, after helping settle your child's feelings with active listening, ask for permission to share your thoughts and then, with permission, help him turn what if's into I wonders and make a plan for getting the outcome he hopes for. With your help, his worry can become a teachable moment.
Launching our teens into adulthood is a major accomplishment for all parents. As they try to sort out who they want to be as an adult, forming their own individual identity, sometimes that results in way too much alone time in their rooms. While we want to acknowledge their need for their privacy, that need is not at the expense of being a part of the family. Use your active listening to help him sort feelings out. Get permission to offer thoughts and perspective. If your asking questions seems to fall on deaf ears, stop offering essay questions and use the multiple choice variety. You know your teen well enough to come up with some options that will resonate. How much space to give your teen? Just enough for privacy and thinking through things, but not so much that he uses his privacy to escape family and responsibilities.
No matter how wonderful and angelic your child is, nonetheless it is likely that he will throw a fit at some point. When its in public, how embarrassing! If your power options don't work, go to active listening. He's throwing the fit for some reason, and reflecting his feelings will help him calm down. If he is out of control, to where you fear for safety and property, then consider physical restraint. The Nurturing Holding Procedure (NHP) is a safe, compassionate physical restraint where your child understands that you are helping him stay safe and not be destructive, by controlling him physically only until he can control himself. Tantrums are never fun, even exhausting both for your child and for you. But even tantrums can lead to teachable moments, if you manage them effectively.
If your life in your family happens at a break-neck, frantic pace all the time, you need to build into your schedule some "me time." Of course, crises of all shapes and sizes will continue to happen, but with priortizing, delegating, healthy boundaries, and reinforcing, you can get through the crises better and build me time into your day. Some moms of pre-schoolers have actually tole me that they can't even get me time on the toilet behind a closed bathroom door! Rough. Guess what, moms, when you are always available, you will always be counted on. Indespensibility can be a curse! Talk with your spouse and set up a family meeting to pave the way. Also, carving out me time is not just for you. Each person in a family needs to learn the value of how to be alone and occupy their own time productively. In healthy families, everybody counts. You count too, you know.
As a parent, settle down time is an opportunity you never want to miss. This is your child's bedtime. Not all parents get it right, but when you do, you enhance the love and relationship you have with your child. For pre-schoolers who may stall to have more time with you, after about 15-20 minutes of settling down, introduce her to the snuggle bunny. This metaphor helps her be still and quiet. Within minutes she will be sound asleep. Enjoy your settle down time at the end of each day with your child.
When it's hard to change old habits that don't work for you, you may need to get a round tuit. Mine is a kitchen potholder that says, "here's what you need when you are not doing what you need to do, and you need to get a round to it." After helping your child sort out his difficulty, using your active listening, ask permission to brainstorm possibilities with him. After he puts together a workable plan, the "Round Tuit" is a humorous prompt to help him put his plan into action. Don't we all need a round tuit at times?
Part of effective, healthy parenting is your ability to say "no," mean it, and stick by it. Confronting bad behavior, setting boundaries, and role modeling all require your ability to say "no." Put your hand up in stop sign fashion and firmly tell her "no." When you get blowback, use your active listening to soothe your child's upset, but maintain the "no." Remind your child to accept your decision to avoid further consequences. This will be hard the first several times, especially if you're "the cool parent." Stick to your guns and both of you will survive. Saying "no" is a big part of healthy parenting.
When do you reflect, "Ahh. This is what parenting is all about." Those are the best times ever. You don't have to wait to win the lottery or to go on your dream vacation. These best times ever happen daily when you get to soothe your child and impart your wisdom as well. You see your child's eyes light up. They are calmed and they get it. Teachable moments occur at any time on your life's journey, in good times and even in bad times, depending on how you reach out to her. Don't miss having the best...times...ever with your child.
Oh, boy! You did it now. You and your partner just had your first baby. Parenting is a 24/7/365, full-time, never-ending job. Like a circus act, just how do you keep all those plates spinning in the air at the same time? Several things come to mine. With newborns, when they sleep, you sleep, or at least rest. You can get other things done while your baby is awake, and they will get more quickly used to sharing your time and attention. Also, use your extended family and village to delegate, organize, schedule, make lists, and the like to keep from being overwhelmed and yourself on track. Finally, don't forget to balance self-care with other-care. Good nutrition, rest, play, and exercise is not only good for you, but also increases the quality time you do have with your baby. Try these things when you wonder what to do when there's too much to do.
If you are not parenting an only child, then you contend with sibling rivalry. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Younger children tend to look up to their older siblings and want to be just like them. Help you older children be good role models for the younger ones. Siblings close in age tend to grow up together. If there are 3 years or more between the siblings, they tend to have separate peer groups. Siblings may fight likes cats and dogs together, but let someone else pick on one of them and they stick together. They also always want to know which one of them you love better. Don't fall for that. In fact, you love each for the unique qualities each brings to the family and to the world.
Because you are a parent, you use some form of behavior management with your children. The question is, does what you are using hurt or help him grow responsibily? Just because your parent may have used the belt on you doesn't make it the right form of discipline. What does your child learn from such punishment, except maybe to fear you? In Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting I share with you The Good Kid Chart. This is a relational, involving, 4-step process to help your child invest in responsibility and character-building. In addition to correcting him, you can also develop a teachable moment.
When things are going well, make lots of conversation with your children. Direct, instruct, or just check in with them. When you notice signs of emotional fever, use your active listening to help your child calm down and get perspective. When her fever seems to have subsided, ask permission before offering your own thoughts and perspective. Healthy parenting is the are of balancing talking and listening to bring the best our of your child.
Most parenting falls into one of three categories. Some parents are way too power-oriented. That would be authoritative. My way of the highway. Don't give me any backtalk. Do it now! This parenting breeds cowering children who just can't wait to be grown and gone. Other parents let their children get away with just about anything. That would be permissive. Okay, honey, whatever you want. Here, can I do that for you? This parenting breeds coddled, clueless children who feel entitled. That is, they can do what they want and with no consequences. This parenting breeds self-centered bullies who never want to leave home. Why would they? In parenting, shoot for just right parenting. Here, you understand your child's needs and feelings through active listening, set healthy boundaries, and encourage cooperation in the family process. Be a just right parent.
It's hard to try on new things. As a rule, we are used to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy. We have to make the switch to the healthy and keep with it long enough for it to become familiar. When learning new ways to interact and to talk with your child, don't keep your efforts a secret. Let them know how you are trying to change and get their feedback. When you go from scolding and power parenting to active listening and relationship parenting, your child will notice the difference. Feedback from him helps you gauge how well trying on new things is working for you. It's all about changing old habits and making your efforts known.
As families, we all want to make it well. Unfortunately, many families just get by.
In Scripture, Jesus calls us to "have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). I look at this encouragement as the difference between just surviving as a family, being functional, getting things done, as opposed to thriving as a family. When we thrive, we are joyful, cooperative, helpful, engaging, and we want to be together. Is that your family? There's a balance between learning independence, enjoying your alone time, and contributing to the family whole. Help your family move from surviving to thriving by being clear about rules and expectations, modelling the behavior you encourage, and establishing electronics-free times and places in your home. Instead of just getting by, you will find your family making it well.
Getting and keeping organized, especially as a family, is an art form. The bigger the family, the more important that you are organized. Everybody has a job to do, responsibilities, and accountability. If you are already there, great!! If not, consider these starting points. Assess with your spouse how your family can be run more efficiently. Think about all the everyday tasks for each person's needs and feelings to be addressed. Plan for a family meeting with advanced notice. After all of the grunts and groans, use your active listening skills to hear the needs and feelings. Use a planning calendar where all upcoming events (both individual and family) are posted. Create a chore chart and post house rules. Review and revise during weekly family meetings. Your goal is to organize, delegate, and revise. With these things in place, your family can reach all systems go.
Going from a loving couple to parents of a newborn is one heck of a major life change. Because that baby is completely helpless on her own, you are who she calls on 24 hours a day. The learning curve for both of you is very steep, but the love and reward is boundless. Learn the types of cries your child lets out. Is this the I'm poopy cry? I'm hungry? I want attention? I'm hurting? or the most used form, I'm just messin' with you? Find ways to do tag team parenting, when one of you is on, the other on is off-duty. This keeps both of you fresh and engaged. When your newborn is down, so should you be. That's when you both need your rest. Use both verbal and nonverbal active listening to understand what she is feeling, what her needs are. Newborns thrive on contact comfort. This new bundle of joy is now part of your family.
Parenting is a lifelong job for which few of us have training. Often, we either wing it or model the parenting we grew up with. One of the great mysteries of parenting is tracking your child's behavior to help determine whether what she's going through is a mood or a symptom. Several child development theorists have chimed in on the subject from different perspectives. Do your homework. Also, use active listening to help relieve your child's emotional fever and be available whenever she wants to unload. In particular, track whether what's going on in he life is a function of her current mood? Or could it be a symptom of a mental health issue? I suggest following "the 6-8 week rule." If what you are noticing is occurring for less than 6-8 weeks before easing, then it's probably the result of a mood. If it occurs for greater than 6-8 weeks, it might be a symptom. That's when you consider the help of a professional.
As a child, growing up, what are some of the best...times...ever that you remember with your family? As a parent in your own family now, what can you do to help your children have the same kind of "best ever" memories to take from their childhood? To the extent that you develop healthy relationships with your kids, make quality time with them, and nurture their kindred spirit, creativity, and effective problem-solving, you have the foundation for great times with them. Such times can be in the moment and not cost you a dime. They can also be a well-planned family vacation, where each family member has opportunity to relax, enjoy, and explore their interests. Active listening your child's needs and feelings, brainstorming possibilities, and using family meetings for specific planning will give you opportunity to let the good times roll.
Not only is "me time" allowed. It is essential for you to be at your best as mom and dad. In Matthew 22:36, Jesus calls us to "Love one another as you love yourself." It's hard to give your all to healthy parenting if you don't take care of yourself. This is not an either/or. It's a both/and. Consider the Pyramid Effect. First, God is above the pyramid on which you perch. As your relationship with God is healthy and loving, you have resources to love your spouse. As your marriage is loving and healthy, you have resources to love your children, and so on. Set these priorities. Also, delegate and set boundaries through family meetings, to make sure you set time and opportunity aside for yourself, to recharge your batteries for taking care of your family. "Me time" is both allowed and essential. Not selfish, but self-caring.
The prize vase is broken. Could the accident have been avoided? Probably. Was the vase broken on purpose? Probably not. Does your son need to learn the lesson to be more careful? Absolutely. Now, your job as parent is to construct circumstances where that lesson will be learned and appreciated. If you choose punishment as your lesson-learning tool, your child may become more careful, but out of fear of further beatings. If you choose natural consequence as your lesson-learning tool, your child will also become more careful, but out of love and healthy relationship, understanding the cost and impact of his not being careful. Use active listening to calm his emotional fever around the accident. Then ask questions that will prompt his thinking about what he needs to do to make things right again. When in doubt, always choose natural consequence over punishment.
If getting your child to bed is World War III, how's that working for you? Bedtime can be the best time with your child, depending on how you structure it. Give her some settle down time, where she can transition from the day to snuggling in bed. This is where you talk about your days, read stories, sing lullabys, and get all of the stall tactics out of the way. After settle down time, consider using what I call the "Snuggle Bunny," as a calming technique. Structuring your child's bedtime in this manner will help convert it from a battle zone to the best...time...ever, for both of you.
As parents, we all are faced with a parenting choice. Do we want power over our children? Or do we want relationship with out children? Don't confuse power with authority. As mom and dad, you always have authority. The question is about how you use it. You can use power, by yelling, spanking, and exercising other forms of discipline. Power gets you compliance, but at the expense of relationship. Do you really want your child to fear you? When you choose relationship, you use active listening to understand what your child was thinking and feeling at the time of the problem. You help him understand the impact of his actions on himself and others. You may decide on a natural consequence to his inappropriate words or actions. In doing these things, you likely keep the relationship intact. When you want relationship, you get love and understanding.
Sometimes chaos just breaks out and you have to go into crisis mode. When your children aren't getting along, what to do? Each of your children is precious to you and you love each uniquely, but you still have to maintain order and keep them from killing each other. Several steps in the process are important. Separate for each (and you) to cool down. Active listen each child's emotional fever without judgment or blaming. Levy appropriate natural consequences, and moderate their talk with each other about how to avoid such conflict in the future. This process is a great way to help your kids get along.
A space launch is a great metaphor for shepherding your teen into adulthood. The journey begins at birth, and you will always be his mom and dad, but letting go helps your teen launch into adulthood. You and extended family are part of his launch crew. The lessons you have shared with him along the way, the teachable moments, are all part of his training for mission. As he leaves Earth's atmosphere (your home) and ventures into outer space (the real world), he will have occasional mid-course corrections to reach his target destination. This is where your wise counsel guides him. It's his life now, so be careful not to give advice, but rather to ask for permission to share your perspective. This is your consultative stage of parenting. As you beam with pride for the young person your teen has become, it's mission accomplished.
Your kids will get your attention, one way or another. Sadly, negative attention is often easier to get. It's more immediate and all-consuming. Punch your sister when she's not playing fair? Mom will be on you like white on rice. Positive attention usually takes longer and can be set aside with a brief response. Come home with good grades and showing mom? "That's nice, honey," as she continues on the phone with her friend. So, the key is that what you pay attention to grows. If you want to give your child more positive attention, make a bigger deal of it to her and to others in her earshot. Because attention has an absolute quality, the more positive attention you give her, the less negative attention she will seek. Promote positive attention with your kids.
"Okay! Who made this mess?" Your question is met with a chorus of "not me's" When and how do you get to the truth? First, how important is the mess? If it directly affects you in the moment, then it needs to be straightened first. Deal with the lying later. Whatever the timing, when confronting the Not Me-er, make sure you child understands his choices. If he messed up and owns it, you have a teachable moment. You active listen his upset, ask permission to offer counsel, and help him with corrective steps. He may also get a consequence for his actions. If he messes up and lies about it by saying "I didn't do that," confirm the infraction independently, and then give two consequences, one for the mess up an one for lying about it. Lying can double the trouble.
Everybody who says, "yaay. We get to do household chores today," raise your hand. I didn't think so. And yet, all families have chores to do. The saying "more hands, less work" is true. Also, we parents need to get our kids involved to help teach them order, cleanliness, organization, and accountability. Help younger children until they get the hang of it. Assign older children according to their abilities and age. Active listen the griping, but persist. It's one of those "you'll thank me later" moments where you are preparing your child to be an adult, in a meaningful relationship, and passing blessings on to their children. Doing chores are both part of being a family and chock full of teachable moments.
Worrying is unavoidable. Productively, it helps us prepare for upcoming events. Worry also comes in two forms, constructive worry and destructive worry. It's about a 20/80 split. Wow! Almost 80% of our worry time is destructive. That's the stuff over which we have no control. Thermonuclear war? Girlfriend liking somebody else? Teacher's mood? Not much we can do about these and other things. When your worry is destructive, give it up. Deep breaths, prayer, distractions. Vocab test tomorrow? Getting everything on your to do list done? Staying in shape? These are matters of constructive worry. Think about each and decide what you can actively do to ease your worry and generate confidence, commitment, and completion. If you worry too much, you are probably putting your worry time on destructive worry. Determine what you have control over and use constructive worry to take care of it.
Being a parent is always a 24-7-365 opportunity. But, it's impossible for you to be there for your child, in a high quality way, if you are not there for yourself. Taking time to understand your wants and needs and to nurture your own feelings puts you on top of your game when you are there for your kids. In the Bible, Matthew 22:39, Jesus taught that the only two rules we have to follow are to "love your God completely, and love yourself as you love others." Loving yourself means making time for you. Quiet time. Devotional time. Alone time. Schedule these times when child care is minimal, such as before the kids get up or after they go to bed. Schedule these times also when the cavalry is available and you can be "off duty." Not only are you re-energizing for the long parenting haul, but you are also modeling for your kids their abilities to understand their needs and feelings and to take care of themselves. That's a profound teachable moment.
It's true! We live in the age of cybertechnology. Now, that's not a bad thing, and we have all kinds of benefits from having the world at our fingertips. However, when electronics come into our homes, as parents, we need to identify and enforce rules for their usage. In addition to prohibition apps to keep your child off certain sites, you can also install a timer that shuts down their gaming for the day after a certain time. Also, safeguard electronics-free zones (the dinner table?) and balance computer play with outdoor, fresh air play. With these and other rules that come from a family meeting, you can enjoy our age of cybertechnology, as well as healthy family fun and teachable moments.
As parents, we often feel it is our responsibility and obligation to punish our children when they mess up. So, it feels natural to us to yell, admonish, and threaten our kids, and then to spank, give work, or time out as a corrective measure. But, tell me this. What's natural about punishment? My answer? Nothing is natural about punishment. It merely diminishes your child, only enhances your power, creates distance in your relationship with him, and leaves no room for teachable moments. Instead of punishment when called for, consider natural consequences to your child's behavior. Stealing? Have her return the item with apology. Yelling and hitting siblings? Have him do her chores as well as his for a time week. Being disrespectful? Have her look up key positive words in the dictionary and write a one-page description and example. Natural consequences yield positive outcomes to child misbehavior and create teachable moments.
So, so, so much to do these days. Where does the time go? How can we fit it all in? We live in an accelerated world and our kids can get caught up in it too. Times to connect meaningfully with your child might not only be a weekend camping trip. It might just only be a five-minute car ride. You're already tuned in to possible emotional fever, where you use active listening to calm your child down. Also be tuned in to teachable moments, where you have your child's ear and you can impart your wisdom. Make the most of opportunities to connect with your child, in both large and small ways.
Parents come in all shapes and sizes...and types. Some parents are blustery power mongers. They expect to be obeyed without question. They holler both direction and consequence. Don't be a blustery power monger. Your kids will be eager to leave home and start their adult life. Some parents are doormats. "What? Sure, honey. Anything you want....Anything else?" They don't want their child to mess up, be hurt, fail, or any other character-building experiences. Being a servant parent sounds like being a doormat, but it's not. As servant to your child, you are eager to understand their needs and feelings, wise to distinguish what's best for them, and always there to catch them when they fall, turning obstacles to opportunities. What type of parent are you?
For us involved parents, listening is the good stuff. We usually are on target. We get affirmation from our kids when the light goes on in their head. Listening sets the stage for getting permission to help them out. It's the confronting that "good guy" parents don't like doing. And yet, the two are linked, if you want to be an effective parent. If you only listen when things are going great with your child, or even when they have an emotional fever and you are helping them out, you run the risk of being a permissive parent. Permissive parents are high on self-esteem, but low on responsibility. Without confronting, when the situation calls for it, your kids can get a sense of entitlement, where they feel like they can do anything they want and with no consequences. Effective parenting is both listening and confronting.
Do we as parents embrace our teen's adolescent years? Do we control them? Do we tolerate them? None of the above. When your child enters her teenage years, the best you can do is endure them. Moods? Attitude? Disrespect? Challenges? All of the above. A German psychologist talked about the "sturm ung drang" of adolescence, the "storm and stress." If you use heavy-handed parenting, your teen will either comply or rebel further, both responses at the expense of healthy relationship. Instead, appeal to their better side with observation. "Wow! This isn't like you, Ben. What else is going on here?" If Ben doesn't answer the essay question, make it multiple choice. You know your teen well enough that you'll likely hit on something bugging him. Then follow with active listening to help lower his emotional fever. Yep. That is your teen. Endure the journey.
Parents come in all types. Some of us are power dudes. My way or the highway. You get results, but our of fear, not relationship. Other parents treat their children like cut crystal. Don't set boundaries or challenge them, or they will break into tiny pieces. Such a doormat parent yields entitled children who grow up not being able to do for themselves. Servant parents seek to understand their child's needs and feelings with active listening and, with permission, helps them grow in the ways of the Lord. Servant parents encourage individuality, but with respect for others, and community, to help build healthy relationships. If you have the choice of being the power dude, doormat, or servant, choose servant.
Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.
Active listening is your go-to communication tool when your child is having difficulty. You are sharing with her what you hear her feeling. That comes from your heart. If you try to fix her problem, judge or criticize her, or guilt her into behaving, you will be correcting her, but it comes from your head. Will she really learn anything, other than to do what she is told? If you share what you hear her feeling, she feels heard, valued, and perhaps able to try again. When her emotional fever subsides, ask her permission to help her. If what you share is not what she is feeling, your words still spur her on to identify what she is feeling. With active listening, you are right when you are right and your are right when you are wrong. Let your parenting come from your heart.
When parents choose to come from their head, they run the risk of getting all power-oriented with their child. This can lead to distance, dejection, and dismissal. Trying to figure out your child's feelings in the moment is the way to come from your heart. And, it's a win-win situation. If you say what you think she is feeling, she feels affirmed, her emotional fever goes down, and she becomes re-energized to move past her upset. If you miss the mark in what you think she is feeling, she will correct you. this gives her an opportunity to figure out what that is. With active listening, you are right when you are right and you are right when you are wrong. That's win-win parenting.
As parents, we correct, teach, encourage our children to do things right and the right way. That comes with the job of good parenting. However, can you be grateful and affirm as well? Your child will be uniquely himself. He may do or say things differently than you. That's okay. It gives him a chance to explore his creativity and explore who he is. Would you really want a mini-me? As you interact with your child, take time to express your gratitude and affirmation of who he is becoming. It's a teachable moment and he will glow from your words.
When you want something, do you just take it? Or do you ask? Most folks will ask, out of respect for the giver. You know what? Our kids deserve the same respect we would naturally give an adult. When your child has shown an emotional fever, and you have used active listening to calm her down, now's the time to offer suggestions and help. The key is to ask her permission, regardless of her age. "You know, sweetheart, you've had such a rough go of it. I have some thoughts about what's going on and how to handle it. Do you want to hear them?" Just plowing on risks your relationship with your child. They may feel judged, inadequate, not smart enough to figure it out. By asking permission to speak, you are conveying respect, and your words matter more. If she says "no," don't continue anyway. Simply let her know that you will wait until she is ready for your comments. Just ask!
You parenting style determines how your child will turn out. Too hard? He becomes timid to you, but passive-aggressive, possibly a bully or juvenile delinquent. Too soft? He becomes anxious and fearful because he really does not want to be in charge. Self-serving and entitled are his trademarks. Just right? He gets it. Life is cooperation and compromise. He becomes an independent, responsible, community-minded adult. Get your child on the right path. Be a just right parent.
You want a relationship with your child. Then communicate. You can't, don't, don't want to communicate? An old saying is that children should be seen but not heard. Good luck with that. Without communication, all you are left with is your power. Power does not make for a good relationship. Active listening and emotional intimacy make for good relationships. In all families, communication is relationship. In healthy families, that communication focuses on emotional intimacy, not on power. With emotional intimacy, you can use your earned authority to execute effective, and appropriate power. Communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with your child. Be congruent with what you say and do. Use active listening to "get" your child. Be on the same page with your child.
After breaking up the bedlam between your children, how do you sort it out? Who started it? How did each contribute? Who gets consequences? What ever you do, don't start with these questions. After separating the combatants, use your active listening to lower emotional fevers, ask permission to make suggestions, and by all means include each in the problem-solving process. The basic question is, "What can each of you do to avoid these bad things with each other in the future?" Family history will plan a part, and you won't get it right the first time, or the tenth time :( However, make sure your kids know you are trying and that getting along is the goal. With time, practice will make prefect.
Okay. You've learned about active listening when your child is upset. You've got the "you feel" down pat. Even though you are on target, a repetitive "you feel" statement fro you could well annoy your child or, worse, be tuned out with a dismissive "whatever!" The key to helpful active listening is not only reflecting back to your child what you believe she is feeling. It is also tuning in nonverbally, perhaps a hug?, as well as verbally, with feelings. Most importantly, be creative and dare to be different with your words and presentation. "It sounds like you're..." "I'm not sure I'm hearing you right. Is it...?", "Wow! You're really..." Such variations tells your child that you are really trying to capture what's going on with her and not just trying to score points with "you feel..." When you notice her emotional fever going down, then you can switch to problem-solving with her permission. "I've got some thoughts about how you can handle this. Do you want to hear them?" Now you are connecting with her in her emotional pain and helping her move past it without owning it yourself. Dare to be different.
As parents, it is part of our job to direct our kids and, as needed, to confront them. Neither of these go well with yelling and frustration. If you power up, so will your child. A way to avoid such power struggle is to use active listening after directing or confronting. If your child stalls or refuses your direction, assume that there is a reason. Using active listening will help you understand where her bluster came from. The bluster is actually evidence of an emotional fever, because it's not usually like her. Active listening is your go-to when you see her emotional fever. Once her fever is calmed, you can go back to your direction or confrontation, but without the power struggle
It's not a maybe. It's a certainty. Kids will always test the limits. Why? If feels like the reason is simply to get on your last nerve. However, it's deeper than that. Your child is navigating his world. Imagine doing that blindfolded in a blackened room. Feeling your way would be terrifying. When your child is testing the limits, he is doing so to make sure the limit is there. They want your guidance and direction, your confrontations and boundaries. Your authority is like taking the blindfold off and turning on the lights, so your child knows where he is and how to get where he wants to go. While being firm, celebrate your child's limit-testing as a new teachable moment.
When I work with couples in marriage therapy, I take mental note of the approximate proportion of talk time each has. A telling sign of difficulty is when one spouse talks way more than the other. This is also true of parenting, especially with teens. If you want to have a meaningful relationship with your teen, enter his inner world of thoughts and feelings. Your access is by listening in general and by active listening in particular. When teens feel heard, even if you don't fully understand, they feel valued and they will be more likely to give you a pass into their world.
Children are hard-wired to test our limits. But why do they do that? First, it's a vital part of growing up and transferring power from the parents to the child. Second, kids test the limits to be sure that they are there. The last thing a child wants to be is in charge. Being given no limits creates fear and anxiety in the child. So, they act out to assure that you will set them straight, confront, set healthy boundaries for their behavior. Aaah, thanks, mom. That was scary there for a moment. When you child is plucking your last nerve, their words and actions are code for "Help me. I'm in over my head and need you to be back in charge."
It's easy to get by. You know, function, do the bare minimum, get to the next day without drama. That's called surviving. But can you work on raising your family's standard from surviving to thriving? That would be making time for each other, mattering in each other's lives, looking forward to quality time together. We all tend to get in a rut and just do what we are comfortable doing. We can, however, step just a little bit our of our comfort zone and do the unexpected. Things eating together as a family, with no electronics at the table, planning a family game night, talk about how our day's went, talk to each other about our hopes and dreams for the future. These gestures are the hallmark of a thriving family life. When you move from surviving to thriving, you make the most of the precious time you all have together.
Good, bad, or indifferent, you are a role model for your children. When our kids are toddlers, they hang on our every word. As they get older, not so much. Regardless, what you say and do, and how you say and do it, sticks with your child. As you set the example for your child, you want your character, temperament, and priorities to shine. He won't be a carbon copy of you, but the personalities that our kids develop over a lifetime come 80% from you, 15% from their peer group, and are only 5% unique to them. Being a good role model for your child will be your gift to him that will pay dividends for his whole lifetime. What kind of role model are you?
With busy families, there is always too much to do and not enough time within which to do it all. Getting and staying organized will reduce the stress of getting everything done and also build family relationships. Three rules come to mind. First, plan upcoming events with at least 3-days' notice. Second, delegate, delegate, and, oh yeah, delegate. As your kids get older, they can help out. You may have to show them and teach them at first, but doing for themselves will lighten your load. Finally, use weekly family meetings to look at how the past week went and to plan events coming up in the next week. Keep a large, dry erase calendar where everybody can post things as they come up. No surprises equals better planning. Lighten your load by staying organized.
When you are able to help your child stay in the moment, you are clearing out the potential emotional baggage that clutters life decisions. Focusing on past situations and issues tends to ramp up depression. Focusing on future situations and potential issues tends to ramp up anxiety. Mindful parenting promotes focusing on both yours and your child's needs and feelings at that moment. It is the best opportunity to successfully sort things out. It can also be a source for teachable moments and will enhance emotional intimacy. Be a mindful parent and help your child stay in the moment.
Sometimes, too much is going on. It feels like chaos central at your home. Guess what? You are not alone. Chaos leads to feeling overwhelmed and not in charge. As parents, you want life to be as neat and orderly as possible. When everything seems to be out of control in your home, consider these 3 steps, prepare, instruct, and reward, to regain rule and order.
First, after getting a reading on how over-the-top things are, plan a family meeting to lay it all out for the kids. Prepare to use your active listening during the meeting as the fur flies. Use the meeting to find things that can be scheduled, and then make the schedule. Find things that can be planned for. If morning routine is chaotic, find all the things that can be done the night before, so that mornings are less hectic. For example, pack lunches in the fridge the night before, lay out clothes to wear, secure backpacks. The less cluttered crunch time is, the less chaotic.
Second, make a list of instructions so that the planned tasks will occur accordingly. Give a copy of these instructions to each family member, both for compliance and accountability. Set the following week as the time to implement a "test run" of your plans.
Finally, reward the efforts by all to follow through on the instructions by setting aside a family reward. Of course, things won't go perfectly, so consistency is the name of the game. Chaos central conquered.
When you notice your child not "getting it," it may be time to help him out. One way is to help him manage his behavior effectively. The Good Kid Chart is a tool I've developed to help parents involve their kids in managing behavior. Putting together your child's Good Kid Chart becomes a joint effort, with ample effort from him in identifying target behaviors and coming up with multiple options for short term reward, longer term reward, and consequences. Children go from fighting with each other to getting along better because they see it as in their best interests to do so, not just because it's in the house rules. When your child needs correction, use The Good Kid Chart to gain his cooperation and it becomes a teachable moment as well.
The thing about attention is that it has absolute qualities. That is, in terms of getting it, both negative attention and positive attention work. Sadly, negative attention is usually a lot easier to get, and so kids go there a lot, when they need attention. While you do need to confront your child's bad behavior and correct them to get them back in line, wherever possible, try catching them being good. The opportunities may be less than you would like, but the reward and benefit to your child will far outweigh the impact when you have to respond to their negative attention efforts.
To have healthy, emotionally intimate communication with your kids, actually with anybody, you need to attend to both your verbal and nonverbal communication. Verbals and nonverbals are two sides of the coin. When they don't match, the listener is left with, "Wait. What???" What you say and what you do need to convey the same message. If I'm having a conversation with one of my friends and they consistently look away, I will likely stop what I'm saying and ask, "Are you okay? You seem distracted." Their words and actions are not matching. In giving your child your attention, give her all of your attention. Otherwise, she might be left with the conclusion that you don't care about her, or that her words aren't really that important to you.
A timeout for our children is only meant to be an opportunity for her to cool her jets and think about alternative behavior. Where punishment is warranted, a timeout can morph into a restriction or a natural consequence to correct the bad behavior. If timeouts are given just to get some peace and quiet, the fix will only be temporary. As a rule of thumb, limit your child's timeout to no more than minutes that equal no more than twice her age. So a 10 year old would top out at a 20 minute timeout. Check frequently with your child during their timeout to assure the time is being used wisely and for reflection. Here's where active listening is your best friend. Before ending the timeout, ask her how she could have done things differently and avoided the timeout altogether.
Weight can be an issue for kids. Some parents just conclude that kids will grow into their adult bodies, or that he's just being "all boy." However, weight issues can affect both your child's physical involvement in his life, but also his emotional well-being. When you see an emotional fever that indicates your child's size is affecting his body image, use active listening to get to the underlying feelings. When you see his emotional fever subside, ask permission to suggest some specific activities and attitudes he can adopt to bring his body image back in line. Be proactive and involved in your child's healthy choices. Remember, with weight, don't wait.
It's sad but true. We all lie. It's part of the human condition. There are a variety of different types of lying, none of which justify the behavior. When your child lies, you are faced with a critical choice. Do you laugh it off and maybe reinforce this attention-seeking behavior? Do you come down hard on your child and maybe show your power but at the expense of the relationship? Try looking at the lying as a symptom, rather than as an outcome. "Gosh, son. This isn't like you. What else is going on here? Where did that lie come from?" When you see the lie as evidence of an emotional fever, active listening is your go-to response both to get to the bottom of the event and also to turn the lying into a teachable moment. Using natural consequences rather than pure punishment as consequence for lying will also help your child understand the impact of his lying on himself and on others around him. When he is clearly caught in a lie and he denies it, use "the two troubles principle." His behavior buys him one trouble. Does he want to buy two troubles by lying about it?
Many families talk about having meetings, but rarely do. If, as the parent, you are a tyrant or a doormat, family meetings will be boring. If you are a benevolent despot, they can be fun and engaging. As benevolent despot, you understand the needs and feelings of all members and make every effort to include everyone in the decision-making process. Family meeting work best when they are routine, relatively short, and the outcome is clear. Where decisions are made, post them for all to see on the family activity calendar in the common area of your home. If you are trying something new, give it a week to breathe and then review how it went. Make sure to include every family member in the discussion. Like a well-oiled machine, family meetings can fine tune and keep families chugging along.
Children get frustrated trying to learn sometimes, or even just trying new things. While you always want to active listen your child's feelings when you see that emotional fever, try giving him a sandwich to help him with change and with difficult tasks. Your sandwich for your child is a way of encouraging him. That is, start with praise for his effort. Then active listen and acknowledge how hard the task is for him, and make helpful suggestions. Then follow up with another praise comment. When the critique is sandwiched between two praise comments, it goes down better and your child is more likely to try, try again.
In Matthew 22:39, Jesus gives us what I call "The Codependent's Commandment." He tells us to love one another as we love ourselves. We can't love one another well until and unless we love ourselves. As parents charged with raising our kids, we need to both show them how to, and model for them, loving themselves. Four specific habits help the process along. First, eat and sleep well and make time for fun. Second, develop a confidante friend with whom you can share your feelings. Third, keep a personal journal for reflection and self encouragement. Finally, make time for individual and family prayer and devotion. Developing these four habits, and teaching them to your children, will help your children love themselves.
Are you overloaded and overstressed? Do you have too much to do and not enough time or resources to get it all done? It doesn't have to be this way. First, get a dry-erase calendar and put it up in the kitchen or other common area in your home, for all to see and use. Second, use a weekly family meeting to reflect on what happened and plan for the next week's events. Third, and most importantly, you can't delegate enough. Sharing the load is halving the work. Being all things to all people is an impossibility. Everybody loses. Create group-think in your family and everybody wins. Don't be overloaded and overstressed.
What is a teachable moment, other than a great title for my parenting book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. Teachable moments are the heart of effective parenting. They are the pathway for your raising your child to become a caring, helpful, responsible, independent adult. They happen in good times and in bad, if you are looking for them. It's when your child "gets it." His face softens, eyes light up, and magical insight occurs. It's when you feel closest to your child. It's especially powerful when you are able to build a teachable moment out of a crisis or problem your child faces. Teachable moments build character, empathy, creativity, problem-solving, emotional intimacy, and healthy relationships. Finding teachable moments with your child is you being the best parent you can be.
If what you focus on grows, then it makes sense to focus on the positive. Our kids, and actually all of us, seek attention. The thing about attention is that it has an absolute quality. That is, negative attention fills the bill just as much as positive attention. The problem is that it is lots easier to get negative attention. So, the the extent possible, focus on the positive. Also, if there are good and bad parts to us, they balance out to 100 parts. That means, if your child has 63 good parts about him, he then has 37 bad parts. The proportion always adds up to 100. So, if you focus on the good parts, remember that what you pay attention to grows, the good parts go up and the bad parts go down. Even when correcting your child, help him think about how he could have done things better, rather than blaming or shaming for what he did wrong. What you focus on grows into a teachable moment.
If you are looking for a trouble-free home, forget about it. All kinds of trouble, big and small, kid and parent, will visit your family at some time or another. You have no control over whether trouble comes. You have every control over what you do with it. The longer you wait, stall, rationalize, or stew over the trouble, the more of it you are going to eventually buy. The best option is to address troubles as soon as you are aware of them. Confront the situation with the offender, and then use your active listening to understand the feelings and context. Set the boundary, in terms of your expectations, and then talk together about how the offense can be avoided in the future. Set rules through family meetings and post them for all to see. Act as soon as trouble occurs and you will be buying very little of it.
When your daughter is getting ready to start her menstrual period, it can set a whole house spinning. Most teen girls see their period as a bother, not as a blessing. How you prepare her for her first period, and help her adjust to her monthly schedule can make all the difference in the world. Use your active listening to help her get all of her feelings out. When you see the emotional fever go down, let her know, "You know, sweetheart, I have some thoughts about how you can make do here. Can I share them with you?" Asking permission always helps open the door. It also invests your daughter in your ideas working. For a few months, help her get a rhythm that works for her, and involve her in activity and dietary options that can minimize her discomfort during her periods. Cut her some slack in mood and attitude, as long as she remains respectful. Hormones can wreak havoc in a home, but with planning and patience, you can weather this storm as well.
All parents use restricting your child's privileges, access, or time as a consequence for unacceptable words or actions. But there are two kinds of restriction models. The correctional model is like our country's prison system. While it may work as punishment, it is clearly power-based. I've introduced a relational model of restriction. In this model, your child is actively involved in just how long his restriction lasts. As he "gets it." you can lower the number of days he is on restriction. In this way, he is motivated to change his negative behavior. As you monitor his process, you can reward him along the way for making effort to change. The whole process brings the two of you closer together and creates teachable moments.
Angst is the sum of every bad feeling you can imagine. Attitude is, well, we parents all know attitude when we see it. Kids in general and teens in particular really don't want to share their feelings. When have you heard your teen say, "Hey, Dad. Can I share my feelings with you?" If you have, good for you. It's rare. Usually we see the attitude first. Actually, attitude is your teen reaching out to you. If you come back with power, attitude yourself, judgment, or even good solutions, you missed the mark. These responses may leave your teen feeling they are a burden to you. Use your active listening, as attitude is a hallmark of an emotional fever. Draw him out with a comment and question like, "Gosh, Son. This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a shut-down response, turn this essay question into a multiple choice question. You know your teen well enough that you will probably hit the mark. Best option for parents of teens? Hang in there.
Most of us want to parent either just like mom and dad, or just opposite mom and dad. However, conventional wisdom shows us that we are drawn to the familiar, even if that familiar is unhealthy. We need to make a conscious choice to practice what is healthy but unfamiliar to us long enough for it to become familiar. When quality time with your child comes around, choose to be there for and with your child. Your quality time together is a great source for teachable moments.
If your child is going to have difficulty during the day, chances are it will happen during a transition time. Even with expected transitions, like changing classes, things are different. We have to adapt on the fly. Mostly it's easy, but sometimes not. To curtail potential difficulty engage in pre-planning with your child. Help him expect possible negative outcomes. Streamline the transition process so he has less to think about. Transitions can be tough, but with active listening and joint problem-solving, you can help ease transitions.
When your child is melting down, are you quick to go into damage control? Or are helping her settle down and re-group? Active listening is the go-to response to your child's upset. Try to avoid solving her problem, lecturing, or criticizing, as they only increase your emotional distance from her. When you are trying to active listen, most parents use 5 words or less to convey what you think she might be feeling in the moment. The more words you use, the more confusion and distance you might create, despite your best intentions. Remember, when you really want to help, less is more.
As our children grow, our parenting needs to change. There are four stages of parenting, depending on your child's age. They will be most receptive and you will be more effective as you parent accordingly. Youngsters require hands-on parenting, as they can't do for themselves. Children require directive parenting, as they test the limits of their abilities. Teens respond best to advice-based parenting, as they find their individual identity. Young adults and our grown children benefit from consultative parenting. As your child struggles, use active listening to settle her down. When you see that emotional fever go down, ask permission before offering help. "I have some thoughts about what's going on, sweetheart. Do you want to hear them?" You will always be their parent.
Parents who know, understand and respond to their child's needs and feelings are practicing servanthood parenting. That does not mean giving in all the time. Always giving in just promotes your child's sense of entitlement with no accountability. Yet, if you are truly practicing servanthood in your parenting your children, you help them manage stress better, develop emotional intimacy, and speak up for themselves. You are still the boss, and there are still boundaries and accountability, but there are also more teachable moments and a stronger family bond.
We are all born with the IALAC sign. How it evolves over time depends on our life experiences and how we handle them. Your gift to your child is to use active listening and teachable moments to nurture them through difficulties, so that they maintain the IALAC sign they were born with.
Most of the time you and your child get each other. But, when you don't get each other, there's a disconnect. Disconnects usually occur when your verbal and nonverbal behavior don't match up. When your child has an emotional fever, active listen. Verbal, use feeling words. Nonverbal, look at him, get down on his level, lean in, all nonverbal behaviors that tell him you are listening and that he is the most important thing to you in the world at that moment. When your child's verbal and nonverbal don't match up, observe and confess. "Son, you are telling me to go away, but you are crying. I'm confused. I just want to help." If he runs into your arms, you got your answer. If he yells, "I said go away," then leave, for the moment. Follow with, "when you want to talk about it, I want to listen." Both you and your child say things with your actions as well as with your words. How you say something is just as important as what you say.
In this age of internet and social media, it's easy for the tail to wag the dog. That is, if you don't have family rules for use of the internet and social media in your home, it could easily get away from you. Mental health professionals are now treating internet and social media addiction. To circumvent such difficulties, start with a family meeting. Kids get an equal say in voicing their feelings and opinions. List the where's and how's that personal electronics are on in your home, and then talk about the impact of these devices on your family time and functioning. Come to agreement on how they can be used without interfering with personal and family function. This podcast concludes with examples of three frequent rules for electronics use in your home.
As parents, we all have lots going on. When our child has a problem, it's always easier to just solve the problem for him. After all, we are bigger, smarter, more experienced in the world. Just solve it, right? If expedience is your goal, then sure. But do you want expedience with your child? Or, do you want relationship and teachable moments. When Joey shows words and actions that he has an emotional fever, use your active listening to calm his feelings. Then, tell him, "You know, Joey, I have some thoughts about what you are going through. Do you want to hear them?" If Joey declines your offer of help, don't force your solution. Let him choose. If he wants your help, help him think through all the options, evaluate them, and plan a solution. This is relationship-oriented, healthy, creative problem-solving, and a great teachable moment.
Unless your child is the one in a million who dives into homework each night with great joy and abandon, you experience the homework wars in your family. You know, they don't have to be awful. While you might active listen your child's reluctance to get started on their homework, doing it is not an option. They may have some say in how they do it, but getting it done each night is the goal. Think about how you can include your child in this problem-solving process, so that there are no casualties from your homework wars.
Isn't it great when things are going great? No fuss, no muss. Everybody's getting along. Things are getting done. There's a delightful playfulness in the air. Uh oh. What's wrong? Well, how about nothing? You are enjoying the fruits of your parental labor. Your relationships in your family are humming along. Remember, communication is relationship. How to be when things are going great? Be in the moment, Be mindful. Use the time with your family to instruct, to direct, to check in, and to find teachable moments. These things drive healthy parenting and family relationships.
Stress comes in two forms, the bad struff, distress, and the good stuff, eustress. Each form, however, can generate symptoms that take you off task. Who wants to work with sleeplessness, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal upset? While we can't avoid stress altogether, we can do something about both our mindset and our symptoms. Turn your what ifs into I wonders, and adding a positive outcome to your I wonder, changes your mindset from worrying to being curious. Eating right, making time for sleep and physical workout addresses some of the symptoms of stress. Don't let stress shut down your progress. These kinds of stress management strategies keep you on track for creating and using teachable moments.
At this holiday time of the year, what greater gift for your child than to really listen to her. Not just hear her words, but interact with your whole body, mind, and soul. That's the power of active listening. You are all there, all in. When your child knows she has your undivided attention, she feels free to really express herself and to let her into her world of needs, behaviors, and feelings. Give your children the gift of really listening, and spending time with them, this holiday season and every day of the hear. Happy Holidays!
Parents often parent according to what they have been used to, when they were kids in their growing up homes. That can be bad, or good. Most parents want to be just like their parents were with them when they were kids. Some parents want to be just opposite of the kind of parents they grew up with. When you focus only on acquired parenting, you are taking the job of parenting and ruling with an iron hand. My way of the highway. No relationship there, except one based on fear. When you focus on earned parenting, you make decisions based on the needs, feelings, and best interests of all involved. With earned parenting, you are choosing relationship over power. What you say still goes, but with sensitivity to all involved. Earn your authority over your kids by promoting healthy relationships.
All children are defiant at times. It's their way of exploring their environment and developing their identity. How we respond to their defiance will set the tone of what kind of person your child will become. If you focus on their defiance and your upset, you are power-oriented. You miss a critical teachable moment. If you are relationship-oriented, you will draw closer together, as well as maintain your authority. After settling down with active listening, draw your child out with this critical question, "Honey, this isn't like you. What else is going on here?" If they don't respond to this essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to figure out several possibilities of what might be going on. Once the air is cleared return to discussion about a reasonable consequence for their defiant behavior.
In healthy families, people talk to each other...a lot. Such talk, however, consists of both verbal and nonverbal communication. If the two are out of sync, then you have double-speak. Then, your child says, or does, "Wait...whaaat??" Double speak also can get parents in trouble. The world's worst parenting model is, "Do what I say, not what I do." That's trouble waiting to happen. Make sure both your verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Point out when you see your child's speak out of sync with something like, "Your words don't match your actions. What else is going on here?" Be prepared to active listen to help him reduce the emotional fever that is throwing him out of sync.
There are all kinds of parents. What kind are you? Are you a dictator? Overbearing? Pushover? Whatever? Or are you an absent parent? All of these types of parents diminish the relationship, even though they may be well-intended. When you make an effort to balance your needs, wants and feelings with those of your children, you are offering a meaningful relationship to them.
Worrying is good in terms of figuring out your options and planning ahead. But worrying too much can be debilitating. It can get your stressed out, anxious, and withdrawn from life. To knock out 80% of your worry, the destructive kind, focus on what you can do to make a situation better, which is constructive worry. Then, turn your what if thoughts into I wonder thoughts. Focus on a positive outcome and then make it happen.
Transitions are always hard. The one from teen to adult is probably the hardest, for both parent and teen. You want it all to go well, but you can't do it for your teen. Their stress in leaving is enormous, whether they want to go or not. You can help them most by active listening, asking their permission to comment after they have calmed down, offering suggestions, but letting them make their own choices. Be there for them emotionally and let them fly.
No, it's not a maybe, surely not a hope-they-won't. Teenage rebellion is a developmental imperative. In your child's young life, he goes from parents being the best thing since sliced bread, up to age 10. From ages 10-12, the jury's out. In adolescence, children forge their own direction, on their own, but with your help. Their rebellion is the source of their individual identity. It's what makes them different from you and who they are. So, help them with guidance and supervision, but let them be who they are becoming. Catch them when they fall, and give them as much freedom as they demonstrate responsibilty. Your reward is their becoming an independent, responsible, socially conscious young adult.
Yep. We all have hormones. While teenage girls get all the bad press, boys, girls, men, and women all have hormones. They help regulate our bodies and prepare us for change, both physically and emotionally. When raging hormones are evident, use your active listening to lower the emotional fever and then problem solve together
Goldilocks had it right when she went into the Three Bears home. She was hungry and tasted the three bowls of porridge. One was too hot, one too cold, only the last one was just right. Authoritative parents are too hot. It's my way or the highway. They parent by fear and the relationship with their children is lost. Permissive parents are too cold. Allowing their children to get away with misbehavior, after all, kids will be kids, sends a message of entitlement. I can do what I want, and with no consequences. To these kids, their parents are only a means to an end, still with no meaningful relationship. Mindful parenting is just right. We find an understanding of needs and feelings for both parents and their children, engage in meaningful problem-solving with both reward and consequence, maintaining accountability and supervision without sacrificing relationship. With mindful parenting, there are lots of relationship-building teachable moments.
Moods come and go. We don't like it when our child is in a mood, but we deal with it. "This isn't like you. What else is going on here?" is a great way to start active listening her. If it's attitude or disrespect, confrontation and consequences may be in order. Symptoms, however, are more enduring and require more time and attention. The 6-8 week rule helps determine whether she is in a mood or has a symptom.
A round tuit is a play on words that can help your child motivate the "do I hafta's?" to "get it done." Sometimes our kids get stuck in bad behavior. Use your best active listening to help bring his emotional fever down. Then ask permission to offer some solutions. Work together on finding rewards and consequences to help him make the necessary changes. The round tuit is a fun way to help him stay on task and make the necessary changes.
Did you know that stress can be both good and bad? When something good happens, it can be just as stressful as when something bad happens. Allow for either kind of stress, especially when in transition. Transitional times, in and of themselves, are stressful for your kids. When you ask them to change their focus, give them a ten minute heads-up to adjust for the stress of change. Stress is a part of our lives, but they, too, can fuel teachable moments.
You know what? Stuff happens. The question is, what do you do with that stuff? When something bad happens, turn it into something good. The tool for that magic is cognitive reframe. When things aren't working well for your child, that's indication that he has an emotional fever. What to do to help? Use your active listening. When their fever is down, they will be better able to tackle their problem. Offer help if you can, but only with their permission and after their emotional fever subsides. That's when they will be able to listen well. When they succeed in overcoming their problem, heap praises on them for sticking to it and getting through it. Use cognitive reframing to provide them with a teachable moment. See what you can do when you stick your mind to it?
No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" When you confront, prepare for blowback. Use active listening to lower your child's fuss level and then return to the confrontation. Be sure to praise your child when she follows through with your direction. Effective confrontation can nurture love and respect, while also providing a teachable moment.
I can't think of any child who dives into chores gleefully. Yet, we all have to do things that we don't want to do. For children, that's magnified because, by definition, children will always test the limits. Using communication strategies identified in my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, you can help your child turn those onerous have-to's into want-to's.
Many parents outright bribe their kids to "be good." Kids will take the bribe but not necessarily follow through with being good. They are not invested in the process. Effective behavior management tools include using The Good Kid Chart. Here, your child invests in the process, as you define what they are working on and they give you reasonable requests for daily and weekly reward for their efforts. It's a win-win system that both provides your child with a teachable moment and also helps them grow "in the ways of the Lord." You maintain parental authority. They engage in positive character development.
Just as our children reach certain developmental stages as they grow older, so too do us parents, depending on your child's stage of development. When they are totally helpless, we do for them, Hands-On Parenting. When we are helping them learn boundaries and relationships, we enter the Directive Stage of parenting. After they have developed the capacity for abstract thinking, but don't quite "know it all," we offer Advice-Based Parenting. Finally, as they reach adulthood and are in charge of their own lives, we offer Consultative Parenting. It's critical that your stage matches the developmental stage of your child. Yes, we parents go through stages of parenting if we are to be effective in raising our children.
When your children are upset, address their feelings with active listening to lower their emotional fever. When they are calmer, look for a teachable moment in their concern. Finding teachable moments in everyday time together both increases the emotional intimacy in your family and also helps turn events from surviving to thriving.
Raising your kids is the toughest job for which most parents are not prepared to do. Balancing the endless demands of childhood with the rest of your live is quite a challenge. Learning to delegate to your "village" and finding "me-time" in the mayhem, gives you the balance to take care of yourself and your kids. In Matthew 22:29, Jesus calls the second greatest commandment to "love one another as you love yourself." Taking care of your needs, through delegating and me-time, creates quality parenting for your kids.
Do we want power or relationship with our kids? When you come off as dominant, my way or the highway, you parent by fear, not by relationship. When you are too submissive and buddy buddy, you do so much for your child that they never learn how to do for themselves. As a benevolent despot, you have the earned authority of relationship, without having to use raw power, you direct the family according to everyone's needs and feelings, and you teach your children how to do for themselves.
Family meetings can be a great way to get everyone involved, and invested in, planning things the family does together. It could be the mundane, like dividing up a chore list, or the exciting, like planning a family vacation. As parents use active listening, productive confronting, and a big dose of pride and encouragement, everybody contributes and each comes away with something that works for them.
Children notice not only what we say but also how we say it. Verbal and nonverbal go together. When they need confrontation, challenge the behavior, not the child. When they need active listening and empathy, avoid the common errors of judging, criticizing, and offering solutions. Help your child become responsible for their words and actions and help them find solutions that are workable and that work for them.
It's not a maybe. It's not just bad kids. It's an imperative. All children will test the limits every chance they get. Why? to be sure the limit is in place. When children are in charge, that is, when there are no limits on their behavior, the result is excessive fear and anxiety. Do you want your child calm and collected? Give them limits on their behavior.
When we take a foreign language in school, we can spend years studying it and still not be fluent. That's because we are not immersed in the language and we have to think before we speak. Active listening, for parents, is kind of a foreign language. It's a way to help kids come to terms with their feelings and then joining with them to help them solve their own problems. While solving our kids' problems for them can be a short-term fix, it deprives our children of the process by which they are best able to solve their own problems. When you are hard-wired to problem-solve with your children, take a breath and first active listen their feelings.
When depression is organic or genetic, treatment may require medication. When depression is situational or reactive, you can beat it with these two simple tools.
How often do you get to savor the moment? Most folks talk about how angelic their child looks when he is sleeping. Wouldn’t you also like to savor the moment when he is awake. Mindful parenting puts you in a place to do just that.
Every teen (and actually, all of us) deals with the impact of hormones. The mood changes, attitude, and body changes all take their toll. Instead of thinking of hormones as a bad thing, let’s call them power surges, and consider them as preparation for greater things in life. Helping your teen navigate through these power surges will ease stress and create teachable moments for them.
As parents, our ultimate goal is to launch our teens as independent, responsible, socially-conscious persons into adulthood. This podcast gives you a glimpse into the trials, tribulations, joys, blessings of a launch well done.
We all are born with a sign around our necks. What it becomes over time is a function of how we are treated by those who love us. What’s the sign around your child’s neck?
As a positive reframe, let’s call hormones an “energy surge.” We can’t avoind them, so, what to do with them?
When helping with character development, The Good Kid Chart gets your child excited about making substantive behavioral changes.
Breathing comes naturally, but we don’t think of taking a deeper breath when you want to manage stress. My “Chillin’ Out” resource on my website, www.THEREFORMYKIDS.com takes you through the steps to manage your stress in the moment, clear your mind, and get back to task renewed and refreshed.
When you correct your child with grace, even a mess-up can become a teachable moment that builds the relationship, rather than break it down.
Getting your child to bed can be exhausting. If you establish a workable routine, with boundaries, and stick with it, bedtime can become a calming, teachable moment.
Your children benefit when you are neither too strict nor too lenient, but rather, just right in your parenting. Promoting teachable moments, along with healthy boundaries, active listening, and engaging problem-solving, will make your parenting just right.
Self-care is equally important to other care. When you balance the two, you and your child are ready for teachable moments.
Do you give yourself “Me Time” during the day? Dr. Jon Robinson offers suggestions on how to do that.
What is an “Emotional Fever?” Dr. Jon Robinson explains in this episode of Teachable Moments.