Hilda's Shoulder: Recent Episodes
hildas shoulder
Welcome to Hildas Shoulder Pod cast.I am particular about Nigerian (Naija) relationships and marriages. If you are intending to marry a Nigerian or married to one I do hope my podcasts arm with knowledge to enjoy it better!
If you find yourself in a relationship that feels like a game of chess - its a good idea to confirm your feelings. A relationship should not be a power play.Exiting such a relationship may be one of the best ways to save you from emotional turmoil.
We need to learn that we cannot own people the way we own earthly things. We cannot "train" the way you would a dog. We can only encourage them to be the best version of themselves and embrace their individuality.
Sometimes, we look back in time and wonder why our partner or spouse has changed. It may be that they actually changed or we ourselves saw them differently. What is of importance is to manage our expectations of them and deal with who they are, not who we want them to be.
When you give expression to what you really want from your partner / spouse, your happiness level goes up a notch!
The feeling of being fulfilled in a relationship or marriage only comes when we have our head and heart boxes being ticked.A lot of people are unfulfilled because they may not be giving expression to their real wants.Dig deep to know what it is you really want out of the union!
We are often blindsided into believing that it is only we our spouse /partner is more like us that the relationship will reach meaningful heights.We must do the work and find out how to reach our significant other ,whilst also making ourselves available to be found by them!
Doing appraisals doesn't end at work.We must appraise our relationships too,so we dont lose or waste emotional energy, time and probably money. We must endeavour to go for what is best for us and not wallow in forever sad,painful, or messyland!
Sometimes we fall in Love, not with the person ,but with the idea of falling in Love,wr may also marry because of the idea of marriage and not really for the right / good reasons.Through self knowledge - knowing who are are and what we really want, is the first step in nurturing a lasting marriage or relationship.
Everything is life has ro do with balance. Balancing who we are and what other's expect us to be.
I got some questions and comments from some listeners after my last podcast on Polygamy. I'm talking about the "heart" of the woman in polygamy,etc in this final part.
Yule Edochie - a renowned Nigerian Actor inspired this podcast because he recently married a second wife and revealed that they had a Son. If you have thoughts about going into polygamy or you're just curious about it - then you should listen to this podcast.
It's definitely the way to go,to be true to self! We continually hurt ourselves emotionally, when we do not have boundaries or our other half doesn't see them or respect them. We owe it to our mental health to have boundaries and to stand by them.
Culture and religion have and still play roles in the level of acceptance of domestic abuse by women. Toxic shame and ostracisation are some of the fears that women have ,that prevents them from leaving abusive marriages. This should end! Women should not value averting shame over their lives!
By the day our knowledge of our significant other grows and with it may come some growing levels of discontent. If your feelings of discontent and hatred seem to be growing - You need to listen to this podcast! Nothing good ever comes from a home or relationship filled with strong negative emotions
Can Loving someone be too much? Is it wise to Love anyone to that point? What are are your thoughts? Listen to this podcast to find out.
Is the chemical of Love low or high in your system? Do you keep experiencing unrequited Love? ....Listen to this podcast then!
Find out whether you or your partner is co-dependent and how hopefully either of you can move forward from it
No one and nothing should ever define your outward or inner beauty. You are so unique in every way that there is no comparison !
So much premium is placed on looks by especially social media that there is a tendency for women to feel inadequate. Women should de- emphasise the gravity of social media and society's " you look good" and open their eyes to see the beauty that is more than skin deep.
Africa is mostly patrilinral.Its a man's world in many respects. This podcast is about the habit of some Naija men and the manner in which they critise or talk down on their partners when others are present- worse stil,is if the "others" are their children.
Partners or spouses might not be able to fill the void of our Love tank.Only in loving ourselves completely can we truly give and receive Love.
Being a partner or spouse shouldnt be a chore or a "shift" The little spaces in between a relationship actually forestall boredom and monotony.Partners / Spouses get to remember what made them get together in the first place when there periods of being away from each other.
The expectations that the Naija women should "blend- in" with her partner or spouse and remain blended -in leads to a monotony in the relationship or marriage. "Me time" is almost non existent not to talk of "space". Sadly,it is this much needed space that brings newness and vibrance into the relationship.
Talking about being with someone or being married to them means amongst others ,understanding where they are coming from . Childhood experiences make their mark on people. When the experience is bad - abusive the effects continue into adulthood. The negative words / abuse by parents become a jury and executioner in the lives of children and which metamorphosis culminates into mental health illnesses. This podcast is also to encourage you to get professional help if you have suffered abuse from your parent(s) or anyone else.
A typical Naija “Omo Mummy” was raised to be conservative especially concerning the opposite sex. Her Mother drummed it in her ears not to be in a hurry to have sex with a new guy. She grows up trying to keep it together. Are there time lines? How long after starting a new relationship should she give it up? Listen my guest and I discuss it.
For some men the mention of the period is a turn off.Some of them don’t let their women cook or sleep with them on the same bed. For some women they feel a sense of shame and are very secretive about their periods. Loving a woman means loving her warts and all and distancing yourself from her because she is in her period.
Money can be a touchy subject for couples dating. Our culture vests the responsibility of spending on the man. As we become more modern, has this expectation changed? Do Naija boyfriends have financial expectations of their girlfriends? Listen to our banter and let me know what your views are.
It’s fiction to base the expectations of what you think will be a perfect spouse based on how well you synch or connect.
Introspection and assessment of all our relationships is key in order for us to reach our personal goals. Sometimes we may be the cause of the continuous downward spiral in our relationships or marriages.Sometimes we need professional help.Sometimes breaking up or getting seperated or divorced is the only way out.
Vicarious shame is hurled on the shoulders of single matured women, separated women and most especially Divorced Women in Nigeria.Living under toxic shame compromises our feeling of self worth and mental health. Living with shame doesn’t stop at us. If women do not take care, the shame will be inherited by our children. Naija Woman who is Divorced, your true wonderful self lies beneath. Be who you were meant to be! Get professional help if you need to! Live life!
The embers of a Narcissism keep burning the more you kow -tow and make yourself and almost invisible.They are most concerned about their own image and have little time to worry about you! Being with a narcissist is very emotionally trying.The Narcissist is a manipulator and can make you feel that you aren't giving enough or doing right by them. If you have become an echo, to repeat all that a narcissist says you will never find happiness. Help yourself by getting help!
A report puts Nigeria's Paternity fraud at 30% - The worlds second highest rate.I discuss the matter and possible reasons for its occurrence.
In the last few days social and mass media has been agog with report of investigation of BBC into the matter of sexual assault by 2 lecturers in Nigeria and Ghana. It was an exposé! I have some things to say about the role that our culture and values play in condoning the matter of sexual assault generally and what we can do as a country to prevent and ameliorate it. let”s all act and say “No to all forms of sexual assault!”
This podcast is inspired by #metoo. In Nigeria like many other parts of the world womens reaction to rape is often of shame.The shame is such an issue that many remain silent because society and custom make them feel they somehow had in a hand in it. When women maintain that siĺence,the society is worse of for it.
Naija Women are put into a strait jacket by culture and the media.Culture plays a tune that it expects the Naija woman to dance to whether she wants to or not or whether she is fit or not. Many women are in a living death of a Marriage because they fear the shame and ridicule society will mete out on them and their children-and so they stay on. Is the sacrifice worth it? Should the Naija Woman continue to wear the labels that culture has pinned on her? Listen to my podcast then!
Naija Women do a lot of things that their male counterparts do.
There is a still a big divide between what a husband can do and what a wife can do.
One of those things is for a wife to have a male or male friends. Our culture isn't too excited about that,whether the friendship is platonic or not.
Technology has made it easy for women to have friends male or not, online without the consent or knowledge of her husband.
Is it right for a wife to have male friends at all? Let's listen to my views. After listening,I'd love to hear what your thoughts are!
The House Maid ,plays such a definitive role in many Nigerian homes.She has a multi - layered job description and many a time, she is the cause of many broken homes.
This podcasts addresses the need for Naija Wives to re -jig the management of their homes.
Naija Women claim back your honourable position!
It is not an exhaustive list but it is a hope that I have said something that will help you "fix something' in your life and attract that wonderful man!
The security of being a married woman often causes many married woman to feel they have "arrived" socially and that there is no need to stress themselves for the attention of their husbands. That's so wrong!
Doing so leaves room for the other woman to take hold of your husband.
With the internet,books, training and wise counsel hustle,chase and charm your man. Let his thoughts of you drive him crazy! Be his wife and mistress at the same time!
Good Luck!
Abuse can be to body or mind. It is prevalent all over the world.
Many a time when we look through cultural eyes, we are unable to decipher abuse, even when we are the ones experiencing it.
Abuse is not an option! It is inhuman. When it is done where children it sets up a stage for the emergence of new abusers and new abused.
let's fight abuse in Naija!
Culture ,religion in Naija stifles sexual expression and creativity.Women are the worse off.The Naija Man has his way of expressing himself sexually.
Many women feel the need to keep suppressing what they really want sexually feom the men afraid to be seen as "useless or loose"
The Naija woman must begin to live her sexual dream. opened a and honesty wirh your significant other is a long and sure pathway to relationship success.
Feelings of entitlement if not checked, May ruin a beautiful relationship or marriage.
Couples should give each other space and give each other respect especially when it comes to the asset of the other.
I'm looking at Easter and a few things we can draw from lessons from, to better our happiness level.
Happy Easter.
I have a few tips for you to get out of the pain of heart break.
You will come through and be just fine!
In Nigeria,it's socially frowned on for a woman to have remarried multiple times. Divorcees and widows try to "get it right" to avoid a divorce.
I'm sharing with you, things that you and your Beau-to- be need to open about and discuss before you walk down the aisle again.
listen! I hope this helps!
It is a common subject of discussion that Nigerian like or love money and will do anything for it.
It is also said that Nigerian women make demands from their men as if it is an entitlement. Is it so? Listen to what I have to say and draw your own conclusions.
Trust is a very big deal for couples because of their past relationships and what they have heard people do to others. Trust unfortunately cannot be bought with money and does not grow on trees. It is something that is deliberately worked at. Each party must be vulnerable to other if there is really trust. The more the vulnerability the more the Trust.
Are there reasons for not trusting? Of course there are! But,there are also many reasons why you should.
When trust is broken can it be come back? Of course it can!
Listen to what I've got to say about it!
Naija Man I'm sure you've experienced that "fart" sound that comes from the vagina when you're intimate with your woman!
It's not evidence of her illness or that she has been with numerous sexual partners! It's just science!
Listen and learn!
It is the preference of our culture for the man to be the breadwinner of the home. Sometimes he is not so lucky. His wife may have more money than him or he may have no money at all. What expectations are on the woman in this situation? Listen to the podcast and send in your comments.
For Naija Women, spilling your guts in to-to about your ex-lovers may not work out for your relationship most of the time if you are with a typical Naija Man. A Naija woman must understand the man she is with and reveal very key information about her past on a need-to-know basis. Quite unfairly,Naija men tell women their relationship war stories on a whim and the women are usually not offended. Listen and give me feedback!
Is it money for sex or sex for money? Is it sex for sex ? What are your thoughts? Would you give sex for no money? Is it right to give sex with no expectation from your partner or spouse?Listen and share your views with me here on Anchor or via email - hildasshoulder4u@gmail.com
I got feedback from male listeners saying they wanted me to do a sequel to "Naija Women and Bad Sex.So,this is it! Naija Women are very strong individuals who have a lot on their plate like many women all over the world.Whether she is a homemaker or working wife/woman or Mom,the activities she is involved in physically weighs her down and this sometimes makes her give bad sex or no sex at all. This piece speaks to the Naija woman and asks her to get in touch with her "self sexy side" She should not use up all her energy everyday but save some to please and be pleased by her man. For the Men,let your woman long for you and be patient and consistent with showing her just how she can pleasure you and be pleasured!
Naija Women should stop suffering in silence.If your partner or Husband truly values you,he should appreciate an honest cry from his woman.He should not be ofended if she tells him that she is not being satisfied sexually . The couple should work on removing the culprit that is preventing them from enjoying sexual bliss.If it is a medical condition that can be treated then, that's the way to go!
Women should stop feeling that if they tell their husbands exactly what they want sexually then they are giving their partner or spouse the impression that they have had a coloured past. If you can't be open with him,who can you be open with? Lets get rid of bad sex!
Some wives won't or dont kneel down to their husbands.Are they wrong not to do it? Does it show how much she loves her husband? Listen to my thoughts.
Naija people love age and ageing.Women are impliedly made to embrace old age and not do "young things".I don't agree with this.Listen.
Sexual expression is key in courtship and marriage.Faking an orgasm Whatever an orgasm to make your man happy is not the way to go!Look for the real thing and experience bliss!
Many women are not in tune with their vaginas.It is time to
pay special attention to it as it impacts your health more than you know.
Nigerian Husbands generally want a domesticated wife and some wives dont think its important.
In Nigeria, there's so much pressure placed on young people to get married.Not much is told to the newbie Nigerian wife.She must forge her own way rightly or wrongly to make her marriage work.