The Messy Bun Podcast: Recent Episodes

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Teens learning to drive is a parent's best dream and worst nightmare! It's the BEST when we don't have to drive them to and from every activity, but it's SO SCARY. I mean, their brains are not fully developed, and we're putting them in charge of a lethal machine. Yikes!

This week we talk about the steps to getting a driver's license, as well as how to keep your risk-taking teen a little safer.

• Steps to getting a license
• Scary statistics
• How to help your teen drive more safely

Resources:

• Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, Teen Driver Source
• Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, Teen Driving Plan
• Learner Permit, Zero Fatalities
• 9 Free Apps to Help Your Students Pass Their Driving Exam, Driving School
• Jane E. Brody, Helping Teenagers to Be Safer Drivers, NY Times
• Keep Teen Drivers Safe, CDC
• Safe Vehicles for Teens, IIHS
• Parent-Teen Driving Agreement, Health Children Org
• Teen’s Biggest Safety Threat is Sitting on the Driveway, NSC,
• Driving Restrictions for Teen Driver’s By Age in Utah, Utah Gov

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As we head into the winter season, we want to talk with our daughters about winter holidays that are celebrated all over the world. Since we come from a Christian background, we decided to focus on other winter holidays besides Christmas. Come join us as we talk about the history, traditions, and messages of each of these holidays. AND, we take up a notch from there and also discuss why our teens need to be exposed to all different cultural traditions. Don't miss it!

• Winter Holidays Besides Christmas
  • Hanukkah
  • Winter Solstice
  • Kwanzaa
  • Bodhi Day
  • Diwali
• Why we should care about holidays besides our own
• How to be respectful of all cultural holidays

Resources:

• Hanukkah, Chabad.org
• Winter Solstice, history.com
• Winter Solstice, rd.com
• Kwanzaa, Official Kwanzaa Website
• Kwanzaa, History.com
• Bodhi Day, npr.org
• Bodhi Day, Learn Religions
• Diwali, Kids National Geographic
• Jamie Farnsworth Finn, Teachings Teens to Respect Diversity, Today
• Michelle Crouch, Teaching Diversity to Your Kids, Parenting
• Amy L. Eva, 5 Ways to Help Teens Think Beyond Themselves, Greater Good (Berkeley)
• Kathy Sisson, How to Talk to Kids About Cultural Appropriation, The Every Mom
• Arlin Cuncic, What Is Cultural Appropriation, VeryWell

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How have we not had this conversation before now?! Why are teenagers sooooo moody! And what in the world can we do about it?

Join us this week as we have this conversation.

• Why teens are so moody (hint: it's all the brain!)
• How to tell the difference between moodiness and a bigger problem
• What to do about the moodiness.

This is a great conversation to have with your daughter - she doesn't like being moody either! Help her understand what's going on.

Resources:

• Dr. Janet Sasson Edgette, Have a Moody Teenager?
• Barbara Poncelet, Very Well Family - Why Teens are Moody (medically review by Ann-Louis Lockhart @dr.annlouise.lockhart)
• Nikhil Swaminathan, Whatever!: Hormonal Reversal During Puberty Keeps Teens Totally Anxious, Scientific American
• Eliminate WMDs, YouTube
• Moodiness vs. Depression, Dr. Thomas Conover on The Scope (U of U podcast)
• Katie Bingham Smith, Grown & Flown
• Elsa Vulliamy, Why are Teenagers So Moody? Independent
• Gia Millar, Is My Teen Depressed or Moody? PsychCentral
• YouTube Video from ASAP Science
• Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC, 7 Ways to Deal With, Empowering Parents
• Want to Add Years to Your Life? Stop Complaining. Aha Parenting.

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This episode was painful to record for both of us because we saw ourselves in so many of the characteristics of someone who is at-risk for being codependent! Yikes! Hopefully, because of what we've learned, we can help our girls (and ourselves!) be aware of codependency in relationships and avoid the problems that come with it. Yay for helping our daughters be better than we are!

• Where codependency shows up
• Characteristics of someone who is at-risk for codependent relationships
• What to do if you see signs of codependency

Resources:

• Parenting a Troubled Teen? Understanding Codependency, Solutions Treatment Center
• Raychelle Cassada Lohmann, PhD, Codependency in Children, Psychology Today
• Codependency, Next Generation Village: Teen Drug and Alcohol Rehab
• Margaret Paul, PhD, 7 Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship and Why It's Unhealthy, Mind Body Green
• Kim Wong-Shing, 8 Signs of a Codependent Friendship and What to Do About It, Mind Body Green
• Sponsor (Life Success for Teens) Website, Instagram, Facebook

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It can be hard to have self-love as a teen. Between body changes, mean peers at school, and social media, our teens are bombarded with a million messages that make them question their worth. It can feel impossible to know how to help them! That's why we loved the chat we had with Lindsay Law about this topic. She gives GREAT advice on how to talk with your daughter about this tricky topic! Listen in!

• The brain and self-love
• Validating emotions and self-love
• Failure and self-love

Resources for working with Lindsay:

Connect with me for coaching, or for my freebie Unlocking the Confidence Within for teens and tweens at www.youthrisingcoach.com 30 Days of Brave Free Challenge for teens and tweens- Be supported for 30 days to turn fear into confidence. Hear from amazing guest speakers. Learn to be kind to yourself no matter what happens. Whether it's talking to the new boy at school, asking for help with your math, or trying out for the school play, I can help you make it a reality. Join now! You can participate live, through chat or even on your own with the workbook. Create your brave, your way! Register at www.youthrisingcoach.com/brave If you're looking for a way to connect with your daughter and learn together how to gain confidence and be more kind to yourselves, my virtual/hands-on mother daughter retreat is for you. There will be 3 short zoom workshops throughout the day interspersed with connecting activities that you choose. Register at www.youthrisingcoach.com/online-retreat Youth Rising YouTube Channel I put out a weekly video on topics from friends to confidence and self love to a little bit of geeky brain science to help teens learn to create their best life. Follow me on IG for tips for parents and teens on using your brain for you, instead of against you. @youthrisingcoach https://www.instagram.com/youthrisingcoach/

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Unfortunately, headaches can be a big part of a teen's life. Whether your daughter has an occasional headache or struggles with them frequently, this is the episode for you!

We talk all about why teens get headaches, the different kinds of headaches and how they're treated, and resources that are available for kids that have headaches that impact their school life.

Resources used for the episode:

• Headaches in Children and Teens, News-Medical article by Dr. Damien Jonas Wilson, MD here
• Don't ignore Migraines in Teenagers, WebMD here
• What is causing my teenager's migraine, and what can we do to solve it? Virginia Spine Institute here
• Early puberty in girls may be 'big bang theory for migraine, Science Daily here
• Important Information for Teens Who Get Headaches, All-Star Pediatrics here
• Migraineatschool.org
• Teenagers and Headaches, familydoctor.org here
• Genetics and Migraine, The Migraine Trust here
• The Possible Link Between Your Headache and Your Toothache, by Colleen Doherty, MD for verywellhealth here
• Blue Light and Digital Eye Strain by Daniel Porter, American Academy of Ophthalmology here

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ADHD can be frustrating for parents AND teens. This week we dive into the ADHD brain - we talk about the hard AND the good! - and we give some strategies that you and your teen can use together. Help your teen celebrate her brain the way it is and learn how to work WITH it.

• The ADHD Brain
• Strategies for attention management
• Strategies for impulsivity

Resources used for episode:

• Elaine Tayler-Klaus & Diane Dempster (co-founders ImpactADHD), Parenting ADHD Now, Can buy here
• Hacking Your ADHD Podcast, Episode “Coaching For Your Brain with Dr. Norrine Russell,”
• Katie Hurley, LCSW, “ADHD & Teens: How to Help Them Cope with Their Struggles” Psycom

Resources not used in episode but also super helpful:

• Mary Rooney, PhD, “ADHD in Teens,” Childmind
• “Parenting Teens with ADHD,” CHADD
• “ADHD Symptoms in Teens: Your Guide to Warning Signs & Treatment for Adolescents,” ADDitude
• Help4ADHD.org
• Dr.Hallowell.com
• TotallyADD.com
• Instagram @impactparents @adhd_understood, @adhdmemetherapy, @motherhoodinadhd @helloiamadhd @adhdinchildrensupport
• Sponsor Link: https://lifesuccessforteens.com/
• Sponsor Instagram: @lifesuccessforteens
• Sponsor Facebook: @lifesuccessforteens

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Depending on your teen experience, the word "popular" probably brings up a variety of strong emotions. Dread? Excitement? Shame? Pride? Anger? Dr. Mitch Prinstein (author of the book "Popular") nailed it when he said, "Even as adults we all still remember exactly where we stood in that social hierarchy."

Why is this? Why does popularity matter SO much during the teen years? And how can we help our teen avoid the pitfalls? Listen this week to learn how to talk to YOUR daughter about popularity.

• What does popular even mean?
  • Likeability vs. Status
  • Prosocial popularity, Aggressive popularity, Bistrategic popularity
• Why do we care so much about it?
  • Oxytocin and Dopamine
  • Why do mean kids become popular?
• Does it even matter?
  • Popularity Level can set you up as higher risk for struggles later on
  • Being well-liked as a teenager is linked to higher success as an adult
  • How we perceive ourselves as adults can stay with us throughout our life
  • Take-home message? Be so careful with yourself and others.

Resources:

• Mitch Prinstein, PhD, The Modern Teen, “A Letter to TEens About the Science of Popularity” Psychology Today (excerpt from the book “Popular: Finding Happiness and Success in a World That Cares Too Much About the Wrong Kinds of Relationships”)
• Florida Atlantic University, “Three faces of teen popularity: Being feared, being loved, and being feared and loved” 2019. Science Daily, Original study found here
• Deborah Farmer Kris, “Being Popular: Why it Consumes Teens and Continues to Affect Adults” KQED
• Jane Parent, “Study Identifies Three Distinct Types of Popularity in Teens” Your Teen Mag

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There's nothing quite as messy as grief. It can be a very scary thing to talk about. So, for this conversation, we brought in the experts!

Meet Anita and Mel from the podcast Widow We Do Now. They are both widows, and through their podcast they've created a beautiful and powerful - and even humor-full! - community for those who have lost "their person." 

If you've been unsure how to talk with your daughter about grief, listen in. We learned SO much. 

• What grief looks like
• What's helpful
• What's NOT helpful

Resources:

• Instagram (podcast): @widowwedonow
• Instagram (Anita's): @racingfromtheashes
• Also check out their podcast, Widow We Do Now, anywhere you listen to podcasts!

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Dr. Nancy Darling, professor and chair of the psychology department at Oberlin College, has researched teens and honesty for 20 years, and she concludes that 98 percent of teenagers lie to their parents.

And let's be real... that last 2 percent probably lied about not ever lying.

So, if lying is so pervasive, is there any hope for raising honest teens? Listen in as we talk about how to talk with your teen about honesty.

• Why lying happens
• Why honesty matters
• How to have honesty in the mom-daughter relationship

Resources:

• Phyllis L. Fagell, Eight Ways Parents can Teach Teens to be Honest, Washington Post
• Elyse Salek, 5 Ways to Promote Honesty in Teens, Center for Parent & Teen Communication
• Courtney E. Ackerman, MA, Honesty & Integrity in Therapy, Positive Psychology
• Women’s Therapy Institute, Teaching your Teen Honesty, Website
• Hank Pellissier, When Teens Lie (because they all do!), Great Schools
• Sponsor: Life Success for Teens Promo Giveaway: 7 Ways to Stop Your Teen From Procrastinating

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Michelle Gifford is the queen of business strategy! We had a ton of fun learning from her as we talked about teens and business. Whether your daughter has expressed interest in owning her own business or not, this episode is a great start to having conversations about how she can start making money NOW. 

• Pros of owning your own business
• Challenges of owning your own business
• What teens can do NOW

Resources:

• Instagram: @iammichellegifford
• iammichellegifford.com
• michellegiffordcreative.com

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We wanted to have a light-hearted conversation this week, and thought it would be fun to chat with our teens about birth order. Do you feel like your daughter fits the stereotype of her birth order, or does she break the mold? What does she think about this? Penny and Steph are both the oldest, and it shows!

• Birth order theory
  • What it is
  • Is it accurate?
• Oldest child strengths and challenges
• Middle child strengths and challenges
• Youngest child strengths and challenges
• Only child strengths and challenges
• What about big families?

Resources:

• Lynn Berger, Birth Order Personality Traits, Time Magazine, https://time.com/5953372/birth-order-personality-traits/
• Ben Guarino, Birth Order Doesn't Shape Personality, Washington Post, https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2019/03/14/birth-order-doesnt-shape-personality-after-all/
• Mary Elizabeth Dean, Birth Order Theory Insights, Better Help, https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/birth-order-theory-insights-into-your-personality/
• Sponsor: Life Success for Teens Promo Giveaway: 7 Ways to Stop Your Teen From Procrastinating

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It's that time of year for many of those juniors and seniors out there - ACT time! It can be overwhelming to know where to start when it comes to standardized test prep. Listen in and we'll walk you through what we've found in our research. (A lot of these tips also apply to the SAT, but we focused on the ACT because that's what our daughters will be taking.)

• General info about the day of the test
• English section
• Math section
• Reading section
• Science section

Resources:

• ACT Tips, PowerScore Test Preparation, https://www.powerscore.com/act/help/test-day-tips.cfm
• Justin Berkman, The 8 ACT English Tips You Must Use in Your Prep, https://blog.prepscholar.com/8-act-english-tips
• ACT Math Section: Formulas you NEED to know, Magoosh SAT & ACT, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcgyTpeD49M
  • Need to Know Math Formulas for the ACT (Google Doc, Taken from Magoosh.com), https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MdqJtBLMo-f7TWQ0-o9HteJPdcflvXHKzmVmDAxB5_U/edit?usp=sharing
• Alexa Laine, 8 Tips for a Perfect Score without Studying, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dn3H3D2d1k
• Alexa Laine, Score a 36 on the ACT Reading in 2020, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzMxqT5OjaU
• Alexa Laine, Score a 36 on the ACT Science, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BnCdG7w92

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It's the beginning of the school year, and that means stress is probably amping up in your house. You might not be sure how to talk with your teen about all the stress she's feeling, but we've got you covered with this informative interview from Registered Psychologist, Chantal Côté. 

• What is stress
• Red flags you and your teen can watch for
• Flipping the switch on stress
• Tips on how to help your teen master stress

Resources:

• www.pyramidpsychology.com
• Instagram, @therapywithchantal
• Youtube Channel- Bulletproof Mindsets for Teens - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCynezhZL359SS9v-1Ir6LJw

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As we recorded this episode, we both kept catching ourselves slouching. Good posture is important, but it's hard when we spend so much time looking at our devices and sitting at computers. Listen in to learn how you can talk with your daughter about good posture (and maybe even improve your own!).

• What causes bad posture
• What good and bad posture look like
• Why good posture matters
• How to fix bad posture

References

• George Chiang, Help your teen stop slouching: 5 things that actually work. https://raisingteenstoday.com/help-your-teen-stop-slouching/
• Why good posture matters https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/why-good-posture-matters
• Kyphosis https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/kyphosis.html
• Shari DeLisle, Stand tall, teens: Good posture matters more than you think, https://www.postcrescent.com/story/life/2018/06/25/why-good-posture-matters-teens/717687002/
• Posture Problems in Teenagers https://mass4d.com/blogs/articles/posture-problems-in-teenagers
• https://www.physio-pedia.com/Adolescent_Back_Pain
• What is forward head posture? https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/forward-head-posture#what-is-it
• Amy Martuarna Winderl, 7 easy exercises for better balance, https://www.self.com/gallery/balance-exercises

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I say I want my daughter to be a critical thinker. I want her to know how to look at situations, analyze, and think for herself... Except, then, she doesn't always agree with me!

As tempting as it is to brainwash her into thinking exactly like me (because, I am, after all, always right!), I know in the long run, I'll be glad if she's learned how to be a critical thinker.

• What critical thinking is
• Why critical thinking matters
• How to teach critical thinking

Resources:

• Mary Halton, Ideas Ted Dot Com, Critical Thinking is a 21st-century essential, https://ideas.ted.com/critical-thinking-is-a-21st-century-essential-heres-how-to-help-kids-learn-it/
• Norwich Online, 5 Ways to Improve Your Critical Thinking Skills, https://blog.online.norwich.edu/5-ways-to-improve-your-critical-thinking-skills
• Macat, YouTube, What is Critical Thinking, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnJ1bqXUnIM
• Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., Teaching Critical Thinking: An Evidence-based Guide, https://parentingscience.com/teaching-critical-thinking/
• Study Dot Com, What is Critical Thinking?, https://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is-critical-thinking-definition-skills-meaning.html
• Steven Hassan, PhD, Freedom of Mind Resource Center, Undoing Undue Influence and the BITE Model of Authoritarian Control, https://freedomofmind.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/BITE-Model-of-Authoritarian-Control-Handout-Oct-2-2020.pdf

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We hate this episode. We hate thinking about bullying! But we have to talk with our daughters about it because it DOES happen - either to them or to someone they know. Listen in as we explore how to talk about this ugly topic.

• Bullying Facts
  • What bullying is and what it's not
  • Who is most likely to get bullied
  • Signs of bullying
  • Why bullies bully
• What to do if you're getting bullied
• What to do if you know someone who is getting bullied

Resources

• Angela Huebner and Erin Morgan, Adolescent Bullying, Virginia Polytechnic Institute, https://vtechworks.lib.vt.edu/bitstream/handle/10919/23399/VCE350_852_2002.pdf?sequence=1
• Christina Fisher, The Association of Different Types of Bullying with Mental Health of Children and Teens From the US, France, and Canada, Ursinus College, Digital Commons, https://digitalcommons.ursinus.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://scholar.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1003&context=media_com_sum
• Stop Bullying, stopbullying.gov
• Bullying and Teenagers, ReachOut.com,
• Mary L. Gavin, MD, Dealing with Bullying, https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/bullies.html/
• Sherri Gordon, 8 Reasons Why Teens Bully Others, Very Well Family, https://www.verywellfamily.com/reasons-why-teens-bully-others-460532
• Sherri Gordon, The Different Between Bullying and Unkind Behavior, https://www.verywellfamily.com/bullying-or-unkind-behavior-how-to-know-the-difference-460493
• Ryan Walker, I’m a Teenager Who WAs Bullied: Here’s what Bullying Among Teens Looks Like Today, Parents.com, https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/teenagers/im-a-teenager-this-is-what-i-want-parents-to-know-about-teen-bullying/
• 5 Powerful Anti-Bullying YouTube Videos for Teens and Tweens, https://www.bark.us/blog/5-best-anti-bullying-videos-on-youtube-for-tweens-and-teens/
  • Our 3 favorites from this list:
    • “The Bully”
    • “A Sincere Compliment”
    • “Silent”

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Natalie and Alison with Life Success for Teens are brilliant with teenagers. Natalie is a school psychologist and Alison is a teacher, and they both are also certified to be academic coaches for teens. They basically know how to help our kids succeed at life. And, to top it off, they're both fun and easy to talk with!

Join us as we talk with Natalie and Alison about how to foster resilience in our teens. We laughed a lot and learned a lot!

• What does resilience look like?
• How can being resilient make life easier?
• How do we help foster resilience in teens?

Resources:

• Instagram- www.instagram.com/lifesuccessforteens/
• Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/lifesuccessforteens
• Website- www.lifesuccessforteens.com
• Freebie: 7 Ways to Stop Your Teen From Procrastinating

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We are SO excited for this week’s episode with Dr. Julie Hanks. We learned so much about how to approach the topic of modesty with our girls.

This topic can be confusing and overwhelming. Finding a way to talk about your own family values without objectifying women’s bodies is complicated! We had some questions for Dr. Hanks and were surprised to realize that we both had some underlying thoughts that we didn’t realize were there. Listen in to hear Dr. Hanks thoughts on modesty. (No outline this week - just a flowing conversation.)

Resources:

• Social Media:
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • drjuliehanks.com
• Empower Her Circle Membership: EHC Membership
• Dr. Hanks works 1:1 with only a few coaching clients at a time. Click here to sign up for Priority Coaching Subscription

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We stereotypically think about teen BOYS when we think about hygiene issues; however, it's important that you're talking with your teen daughter about this as well!

• Hygiene Basics
  • Hygiene necessities
  • Cultural/Personal hygiene decisions
  • Hygiene myths
• What to do if your daughter has hygiene struggles
  • Remember the teenage brain!
  • Explain why
  • Focus on self-care
  • Buy teen-specific products
  • Seek help!
• Expanding our views on hygiene
  • Understanding hygiene privilege
  • Ways to get involved in helping with hygiene poverty

Resources:

• Nicolette XO : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqc0oZYZm1M
• Barbara Poncelet, Very Well Family, How to Teach Your Teen Good Hygiene, https://www.verywellfamily.com/smelly-teen-lets-talk-teen-hygiene-3200879
• Hygiene: Pre-teens and Teenagers, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/hygiene-dental-care/hygiene-pre-teens-teens
• Dr. Tori Cordiano, Ph.D., Ask the Expert, https://yourteenmag.com/health/physical-health/teenage-girl-poor-hygiene
• Medically reviewed by Dr. Nirmala Shireesh Dharap (MBBS, DCH, Pediatrics), Written by Swati Patwal (M.Sc. (Food & Nutrition)), Hygiene Tips for Your Teens, https://www.momjunction.com/articles/hygiene-tips-for-your-teens_00116170/
• Carina Wolff, 7 Hygiene Myths, Busted, https://www.bustle.com/articles/166000-7-hygiene-myths-busted-once-for-all-according-to-experts
• Dr Shubhanan Upadhyay, 5 Hygiene Myths that Drive Doctors Crazy, https://medium.com/adahealth/5-hygiene-myths-that-drive-doctors-crazy-5065b7003096
• Days for Girls, https://www.daysforgirls.org/
• Whirlpool Care Counts https://www.whirlpool.com/care-counts.html

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If you have perfect kids 👼🏾, then you don't need this episode. If you're like me, and your kids are GREAT but also fight, then this episode is for you! We learned so much studying this topic.

• Why siblings fight
  • It's normal!
  • Life skills learned from sibling conflict
  • Older teens vs. younger siblings
• How to handle things when fights occur
  • Stay out of it as much as possible
  • If needed, coach through conflict
  • Don't take sides
  • Model problem solving
  • Do not tolerate violence or verbal abuse
• How to help reduce future fighting
  • Have equal treatment in the home
  • Build family relationships
  • Have open communication

Resources:

• Sibling Conflict in Adolescence by Carl E. Pickhardt Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201003/sibling-conflict-in-adolescence
• Teen and family relationships, https://www.mentalhelp.net/relationships/siblings/
• Teenage Sibling Fighting, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/behaviour/sibling-fights/sibling-fighting
• Sibling Rivalry, https://www.teentips.co.uk/videos/sibling-rivalry/

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Does your daughter think you're a good listener? ⁠Does she know how to be a good listener? We're both working on our listening skills (especially interrupting!) - which is why we did this topic!

• How empathy makes you a better listener
• Key steps to being a good listener
• Good things that happen when we listen effectively

Resources:

• Active Listening, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/communicating/active-listening
• 10 steps to effective listening, Dianne Schilling, Forbes, https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/?sh=74ebab0d3891
• Learning to Listen, Princeton University, https://umatter.princeton.edu/connecting/listening
• Listening Effectively, Raj Soin, Wright State University, http://www.wright.edu/~scott.williams/skills/listening.htm
• What Great Listeners Actually Do, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
• Fred Rogers, Quotes by Fred Rogers, Good Read, GoodReads

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Lexie Kite, PhD., and her sister Lindsay Kite, PhD., are experts in the field of body image resiliency and the harmful effects of objectification. And they are our heroes. You can learn more about their work at morethanabody.org, and by watching Lindsay Kite's TEDTalk.

We talked with Lexie about their newly released book, More Than a Body, which is a must-read. Check out Steph's book review on our Instagram account.

• Teen girls and objectification
  • Sea of Objectification metaphor
  • Self-objectification
• Living as More than a Body
  • How girls are targeted
  • Let's get mad about it
• Body Image Resilience
  • Fight the objectification, not yourself
  • Fighting internalized shame
  • Helping others rise
  • Coming home to your body

Resources:

• Instagram @beautyredefined

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Last week we focused on WORK - now this week we're focusing on relaxation. However, it might not be the relaxation you're thinking of... ⁠

While vacations and bubble baths and binging Netflix are definitely fun and relaxing and they help us escape our hard stuff, they don't actually help us deal with and get through our hard stuff. So, in this week's episode, we want to make sure our daughters know how to find peace and calm while dealing with the really difficult - and we do that through something called active relaxation. ⁠
⁠

• Active relaxation vs. Regular relaxation
• The science behind the benefits of active relaxation
• Ways to practice active relaxation

Resources:

• Relaxation Skills for Teens, (Teen Treatment Center) https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/well-being/relaxation-skills-for-teens/
• Teaching Teens to Relax to Manage Stress, Ken Ginsberg, Center for Parent & Teen Communication, https://parentandteen.com/take-active-steps-to-relax/
• The Science Behind Mindfulness Meditation, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wVRBjpYGU0
• The Scientific Power of Meditation, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw71zanwMnY
• Dan Harris, Panic Attack on Live TV, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qo4uPxhUzU
• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/teaching-mindfulness-to-teenagers_b_5696247
• E S Epel, E Puterman, J Lin, E H Blackburn, P Y Lum, N D Beckmann, J Zhu, E Lee, A Gilbert, R A Rissman, R E Tanzi & E E Schadt, Meditation and vacation effects have an impact on disease-associated molecular phenotypes, https://www.nature.com/articles/tp2016164

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Are your teens hard workers? ⁠
⁠
Work ethic is a BIG deal, but sometimes we can feel a little guilty because we see all the things our teens don't work hard at (hello, chores). ⁠ But then we watch how hard they work at swim practice, or with homework, or on the mural they are painting in their bedroom. So maybe they do have good work ethic?

In this episode, we talk all about the benefits of hard work and how to teach your teen how to do it.

• The benefits of hard work⁠
  • Builds character
  • Gets results
  • Draws attention
  • Brings new opportunities
  • Blesses others
• How to teach your teens to work hard
  • Praise effort over outcome
  • Model work ethic in action
  • Use everyday challenges as teachable moments
  • Give kids the opportunity to flex their work ethic
  • Make personal responsibility a priority
  • Teach how to balance commitments
  • Allow them to experience the results of hard work
  • Make it fun⁠

Resources:

• Ebone Bell, 5 Benefits of Hard Work, Linked In, https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-benefits-hard-work-ebone-bell/
• Mary Squillace, How to Raise a Kid Who Works Hard, https://medium.com/apparently/how-to-raise-a-kid-who-works-hard-503fac673be5
• Parenting Teens and Tweens, 5 Ways to Help Teens Develop a Strong Work Ethic, https://parentingteensandtweens.com/5-ways-to-help-teens-develop-a-strong-work-ethic/
• Chris Hudson, Understanding Teenagers, The 7 Secrets to Motivating Teenagers, https://understandingteenagers.com.au/the-7-secrets-of-motivating-teenagers/

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It's Pride Month, so we thought it was really important to discuss LGBTQ+ teens. We feel so fortunate that we got to interview Colette Dalton, LCSW. She helped us learn how we can be better allies. Colette's personal and professional experience gave us so much to think about, and gave us many really important points to share with our daughters.

• LGBTQ+ Vocabulary and Vernacular
  • What each "letter" means in LGBTQSIA+
  • Pronoun usage
• Creating an LGBTQ+ environment in our homes
  • Always speak like someone in your home is on the LGBTQ+ spectrum
  • If someone says something hurtful or incorrect, speak up
  • Include members of the LGBTQ community in your circle
• How to support LGBTQ+ teens
  • Show love no matter what
  • Correct language and hurtful comments
  • Post supportive things on social media
  • Join the Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) (in high school)
  • Be a safe friend to everyone so others can open up to you (don't gossip, keep confidences, be kind)

Resources:

• Instagram: @colettedalton
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/colettedaltonlcsw
• Symmetry Solutions: https://www.symmetrysols.com/colette-dalton
• PDF for more information on gender and sexual diversity,

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We are beyond thrilled that we were able to interview Dr. Melanie McNally on this week's episode. She teaches us all about social media - and, seriously, she gave us about 30 different conversations we want to have with our teen girls about this!

• The negative effects of social media
  • External validation
  • Encourages "teenage narcissism"
  • Push to curate image
  • Linked to loneliness and depression
  • Personal call-out culture
  • Social comparison
• The positive effects of social media
  • Possibilities of new, similar friendships
  • Increased belonging
  • Humor and pro-social fun
  • Creativity
  • Potential jobs
  • Activism
  • Exposure to diversity
  • Destigmatization of mental health
• Encouraging Healthy Social Media Use
  • Mindfulness
  • Building self-awareness
  • Education
  • Encourage proactive thinking

Resources:

• @drmelaniemcnally
• drmelaniemcnally.com
• Dr. McNally's Online Support for Teens and Young Adults, destinationyou.net

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This was a requested topic from one of our listeners. It's one we approach with a lot of sensitivity because we know that divorce is messy, complicated, and there's nothing we can say in one episode - or even in 100 episodes! - to make it "better" or even "okay." ⁠
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HOWEVER, we hope this short but packed-full-of-love episode can at least give you some ideas if your teen is struggling while you are going through a separation or divorce. ⁠

• Teens react differently to divorce than younger children
• Ideas to help your struggling teen
• Red flags to watch for

Resources:

• Amy Morin, LCSW, Very Well Family, Effects of Divorce on Teens, https://www.verywellfamily.com/effects-of-divorce-on-teens-2609530
• The Good Men Project, 7 Tips to Help Your Teenager Cope with Divorce, https://medium.com/a-parent-is-born/7-tips-to-help-your-teenager-cope-with-divorce-59773adee3ff
• Helping Teenagers Adjust After Separation or Divorce, https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/helping-teens-adjust-separation
• Carl E. Pickhardt, PhD, Parental Divorce and Adolescents, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200908/parental-divorce-and-adolescents

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Trust is what holds us together! We need trust to build relationships of all kinds, and we need to be talking with our teens about trust. Tune to learn how to have these conversations.

• Defining trust and why it matters
  • Trust vs. Trustworthiness
  • Trust exists on a continuum
  • Trust is not static
  • Trust is empowering
  • Relationships can't be strong without trust
• Fostering trust in relationships
  • Factors that contribute to a high-trust relationship
    • Reliability
    • Transparency
    • Sincerity
    • Openness
  • Oxytocin and trust
• Rebuilding broken trust
  • See our Saying Sorry episodes (9 and 10)
  • Acknowledge when you have broken trust, give ideas for how to fix it, ask for input
  • If your teen has broken your trust, don't say that you can never trust them again. Allow amends to be made.
• Trusting wisely
  • Ways our brains function that build trust but leave us vulnerable
  • Trust cues can be easily faked and used to manipulate
  • Rules for developing tempered trust

Resources

• Paul J. Zak
  • Neuroscience of Trust, https://hbr.org/2017/01/the-neuroscience-of-trust
  • 10 Ways to Boost Good Feelings, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moral-molecule/201311/the-top-10-ways-boost-good-feelings
• Roderick M. Kramer, Rethinking Trust, https://hbr.org/2009/06/rethinking-trust
• Esther Wojcicki, How to Raise Kids Who Will Grow Into Secure, Trustworthy Adults, https://blog.ed.ted.com/2019/09/16/how-to-raise-kids-who-will-grow-into-secure-trustworthy-adults/
• Center for Parenting Education, When Your Teen Breaks Your Trust, https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/riding-the-waves-of-the-teen-years/when-your-teen-breaks-your-trust/
• Dennis Jaffe, The Essential Importance of Trust, https://www.forbes.com/sites/dennisjaffe/2018/12/05/the-essential-importance-of-trust-how-to-build-it-or-restore-it/?sh=5f261f4764fe

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Confession: I am so completely overwhelmed and stressed out about the college prep process for my Junior. I've already missed a few deadlines. I had SO much anxiety when I applied for my own college as a teen that I shut down, and did not even apply for a single scholarship. Even though I had great grades! Arrrrggghhh! I want to go back in time and give teen Penny a stern talking to. And a hug.⁠

Listen in to get a rundown of what tasks need to be done in which year, starting in 9th grade. If your teen is older than that and you haven't done anything--don't panic. It's okay. We've got you covered. Take a deep breath. Eat some chocolate. And tune in to hear what we've learned.⁠

• Middle school - Grade 10
  • Get to know yourself - explore your options
  • Start saving!
  • Develop strong study and time management habits
  • Become involved
• Junior Year
  • Meet with your school counselor or mentor to discuss colleges and their requirements
  • Create a master list or calendar with your checklist and the deadlines
  • Go to college fairs
  • Make an account with Common App
  • Register for the ACT/SAT
  • Start looking for scholarships
• Senior Year
  • Update your master list or calendar
  • Complete scholarship applications
  • Stay involved, seek leadership roles if possible
  • Re-take ACT/SAT if needed
  • Apply to your chosen colleges
  • Ask counselors and teachers to submit the required documents (transcripts, letters of requirement)
  • Visit college campuses
  • Notify the school of your commitment and submit any required financial deposit

Resources:

• www.my529.org
• www.studentaid.gov
• Dawn Rosenberg McKay, Should I Go to College, www.thebalancecareers.com/should-you-go-to-college-525564
• My Future, https://myfuture.com/
• College Application Timeline: 12th Grade, https://bigfuture.collegeboard.org/get-in/applying-101/timeline-12-grade

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This week's episode is a little different format. With Mother's Day coming up, we wanted to recognize the lessons our own mothers have taught us.⁠
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Take some time today and think of what your mom taught you. Maybe send her a note or a text thanking her. ⁠
⁠
We also recognize that not all moms were wonderful and many are gone. We want to be conscious of those who struggle on Mother's Day. We see you. We love you. And we want to remind you that you can choose what you want your daughters to learn from you.

• What Penny Learned from Her Mom:
  • Don't judge
  • The joy of giving
  • Don't take yourself to seriously
• What Steph Learned from Her Mom:
  • The importance of a body-image safe environment
  • The power of faith and hope
  • She loved me for me and didn't expect perfection

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Don't skip this episode just because you think your kid goes to a "good school," or because your kid would "never do that." EVERY parent needs to hear what Kriya Lendzion, an addiction specialist, has to say about addictions. We were BLOWN away. In fact, this interview is longer than we typically run our episodes, but it's worth EVERY minute!

• Scary Facts about Addictions
  • Substances are getting stronger, more addictive, more dangerous, and use is increasingly easier to conceal from parents, school staff etc.
• Why Teens are Especially Prone to Addictions
  • Our kids need accurate science-based intel on substances and all the addictive things
  • They also need an understanding of how their young, malleable brains are particularly wired for addiction
• What Teens can do to Help Avoid Addictions
  • They need to have 101 alternatives to use that fulfill every teen's needs for belonging, confidence, fun, and coping.
  • They need to develop an inner compass based in their own values, goals and knowledge.
• Why Parent-Teen Relationships Matter So Much
  • To have a positive influence on their decision-development we need to earn their trust and respect
  • We also need to know what's going on in their inner and outer worlds.
  • Improving Conversations

Resources:

• Instagram: @kriyacounselor and @legitdruged
• Email kriyacounselor@gmail.com
• kriyalendzion.com
• Facebook: Raising Kids in Reality, Kriya Lendzion

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“Job interviews are a lot like first dates. Good impressions count, awkwardness can occur and outcomes are always unpredictable" (Raising Teens Today).

Interviewing for jobs, especially those first few interviews, can be extremely nerve-racking! In today's episode we discuss dos and don'ts you can teach your teen to help make the interviewing process as smooth as possible.

• Getting Your Resume Ready
  • Start with a header
  • Add a short summary
  • Think about the qualities your future employer will want
  • Emphasize school and extracurricular activities
  • Keep things professional
  • Proofread, proofread, proofread
• Preparing for a Job Interview
  • Research the company
  • Prepare a portfolio
  • Look up the address and know where you're going
  • Practice (STAR Method)
• Things TO DO during a job interview
  • First impressions matter
    • Be on time
    • Look professional
    • Make eye contact
  • Be yourself
  • Be honest
  • Get contact information so you can write a thank you
• Things NOT to do in a job interview
  • Don't look at your phone
  • Don't be late
  • Don't be overly familiar
  • Don't mumble
  • Don't just talk about yourself
  • Don't wing it
  • Don't get discouraged if you don't get the job

Resources

• Anthony ONeal “Job Interview Tips for Teens”, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88Mwb2bnOMk
• Anthony ONeal “6 Tips for Your First Job Interview” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTHAZhxT4gg
• Raising Teens Today, @raisingteenstoday, https://raisingteenstoday.com/8-tips-for-teens-to-ace-job-interview/
• Practice Job Interview Questions, https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/teens-tweens/first-jobs/job-interview-questions-to-practice-with-your-teen
• Jacob Share, Resume for Teenagers: 8 Resume Writing Tips https://www.livecareer.com/resources/resumes/how-to/write/resume-tips-for-teenagers
• Mike Simpson, How to Master the STAR Method, https://theinterviewguys.com/star-method/

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We love to laugh! Both of our families joke around a lot. But humor done wrong can do a lot of damage. We want to make sure our teens understand why humor is helpful, but also how to use it in the right way.

• Humor can teach important life skills
  • Helps us see things from a different perspective
  • Helps us grasp unconventional ideas
  • Helps us enjoy the playful side of life
  • Helps us not take ourselves too seriously
  • Helps us get through hard times
• Benefits of laughing
  • Stimulates muscles
  • Releases endorphins
  • Soothes tension
  • Improves mood
  • Enhances memory
  • Relieves Pain
  • Improves immune system
  • Helps us bond
• How to find more humor in life
  • Don't take yourself so seriously
  • Spend time with people that make you laugh
  • Hang up things and text things that make you laugh
  • Cultivate family quotes
• Where to draw the line
  • Boundaries when it comes to jokes
  • Avoid inside jokes in front of others
  • Take into consideration context (who the target of the joke is, who is your audience, what is the occasion)
  • Apologize if you offend AND speak up if a joke offends you

Resources:

• Brandon M. Savage, Heidi L. Lujan, Raghavendar R. Thipparthi, and Stephen E. DiCarlo Humor, laughter, learning, and health! A brief review, https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/advan.00030.2017
• Kids Health, Encouraging Your Child’s Sense of Humor, https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/child-humor.html
• Donna Wolter, The Benefits of Laughter, https://youthfirstinc.org/the-benefits-of-laughter/
• Skills You Need, Developing Humour, https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/developing-humour.html
• Stress Relief from Laughter, https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456
• Maia Szalavitz, It’s No Joke: Why Laughter Kills Physical Pain, https://healthland.time.com/2011/09/14/its-no-joke-why-laughter-kills-physical-pain/
• Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter, https://www.verywellmind.com/health-benefits-of-humor-and-laughter-5101137
• How Laughter Affects Our Health, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB_cSy0IIOg
• @thejohnsonfiles
• The Bad Broad Cast Podcast, Episode 32, The V Word
• Marjorie Hinckley, https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/event/marjorie-pay-hinckley?lang=eng
• Joseph B. Wirthlin, Come Way May and Love It, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng

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Ashley Clay is a middle school teacher, counselor, and success coach, and we get to talk to her this week all about study skills to help our teens with academic success. Ashley is not only very knowledgeable, she is also really fun! Her only flaw is that she doesn't like chocolate. (But don't worry, she makes up for that with the rest of her stunning awesomeness!)

• Why Teens Procrastinate
  • It’s not because they’re lazy
• Helping Teens Focus
  • Remove distractions
  • Set timers
  • Pomodoro Technique
  • Big 3 for the day
• Study Ideas and tips
  • Gretchen Wegner - Study Cycle
  • Spaced Retrieval
  • Active Study > Passive Study

Resources:

• @itsashleyclay
• Gretchen Wegner, The Study Cycle, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDjWrwT2yfQ

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Puberty! Every teens favorite topic (insert classic teen eye roll). They might not like talking about it, but we sure do! This week we dive into all things about puberty.

• How to make the conversation as comfortable as possible
  • Get comfortable with the words before you talk with your daughter
  • Make it a normal part of your home conversations
  • Watch YouTube videos and read books with her (we give great resources below!)
• Signs and stages of puberty
  • Physical Stages
  • Emotional Stages
  • Mental Stages
• What older girls should know
  • Teens think about sex!
  • Bodies change all throughout our life
• What girls should know about boys
  • Why girls should know about boys' puberty
  • Similarities between girls and boys
  • Differences between girls and boys

Resources:

• Jennifer O’Donnell, Signs of Puberty in Preteen Girls, https://www.verywellfamily.com/the-signs-of-puberty-in-tween-girls-3288390
• Stanford Children’s Health, https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=puberty-adolescent-female-90-P01635
• Kids Health: Everything You Wanted To Know About Puberty: https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/puberty.html
• Origin of the word Puberty: https://www.etymonline.com/word/puberty
• Good YouTube videos
  • Well Cast, Inside Puberty: (Great intro - fun!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Dg2eMCx9TE
  • Well Cast, Puberty for Girls, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_mFJ2d0qxQ
  • Well Cast, Puberty for Boys, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDmTeU6H40s
  • Infographics Show: Signs of Puberty (both boys and girls, focused on the evolutionary reasons for puberty, talks about other animals also), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0sK5JeTla0
  • WTF is Puberty (I liked this one but it's a more liberal approach - possibly not for everyone), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_879HMK_Nc
• For good book ideas you check out @kristinbhodson on Instagram. She has tons of good resources.
• KidsHealth.org: Talking to your child about puberty, https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/talk-about-puberty.html
• School District Maturation for 5th grade boys: Becoming a Man (See Utah Sex Ed Curriculum for this resource)
• Mental Help, The Development of Adolescent Sexuality, https://www.mentalhelp.net/adolescent-development/sexuality/
• Sexual Resource Center for Parents, http://www.srcp.org/for_all_parents/development.html
• Bridget Blackburn, Oral Sex, www.parentmap.com

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We are worried about our teens. We see all of the horrible stories of suicide and school shootings and gangs and teen pregnancy and poverty and all the bad things - and they are terrible! ⁠
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This week we’re going to focus on what we can do to help our teens be happier - not that fake kind of happiness that leads to singing and dancing in the hallways like in High School Musical - but we're talking real, deep happiness. AND we’re going to tell you some of the good news about teens and happiness. ⁠

• What happiness looks like
  • Happiness vs. Well-being
  • No one feels happy all the time
• Factors that affect happiness
  • Connection
  • Gratitude and Optimism
  • Focus on a growth mindset
  • Healthy and Well-balanced

Resources

• Raising Children, Happy Teens, https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/mental-health-physical-health/about-mental-health/happy-teens
• Blythe Gossberth, Live About, Happiness and Teens, https://www.liveabout.com/happy-teens-not-a-myth-2774102
• Jean M. Twenge, The Atlantic, Teens Did Surprisingly Well During Quarantine, https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/how-teens-handled-quarantine/616695/
• Eric Barker, Time, How to Raise Happy Kids https://time.com/35496/how-to-raise-happy-kids-10-steps-backed-by-science/
• Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap
  • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv6HkipQcfA&t=3s
  • Website: https://thehappinesstrap.com/
  • Book: The Happiness Trap (buy on Amazon or in any bookstore)

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This is SO not a fun topic to talk about.

It's messy. And that's what we're all about here at The Messy Bun!

So, let's dive into this topic with our teens and learn all about sexual harassment - what it is, how to respond to it, and how to report it. ⁠
⁠
Making Caring Common, a project lead at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, conducted a national survey of 18- to 25-year-olds in which 87% of respondents reported they had been the victim of at least one form of sexual harassment.

Yet, 76% of survey respondents reported that they never had a conversation with parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others or being harassed themselves.

"As parents, we need to do better. We need have specific conversations with our teens about what misogyny and sexual harassment mean, why they are so harmful, and how to combat them." (Alison Cashin and Richard Weissbourd)

• Definitions and Examples
  • Misogyny
  • Sexual Bullying
  • Sexual Harassment
  • Sexual Harassment vs. Flirting
  • Sexual Harassment vs. Sexual Assault
• How to respond
  • How parents should respond
  • How your daughter can respond if she is harassed
  • How your daughter can respond if she sees harassment
• How to report
  • Steps to take in reporting harassment
  • Resources given below if you need to take legal action

Resources:

Katie Hurley, LCSW,How to Talk to Teens about Sex and Sexual Harrasment, https://www.psycom.net/talk-to-teens-about-sexual-harassment

Kids Health, Sexual Harassment and Sexual Bullying, https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/harassment.html

Richard Weissbourd and Alison Cashin, Sexual Harassment Among Teens, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/10/16/sexual-harassment-among-teens-is-pervasive-heres-how-parents-can-help-change-it/

Richard Weissbourd with Trisha Ross Anderson, Alison Cashin, and Joe McIntyre, Making Caring Common, Harvard Grad School, https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/the-talk,

Full Study (Making Caring Common from above): https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/5bd51a0324a69425bd079b59/1540692500558/mcc_the_talk_final.pdf

Lauren Holter, Bustle, Don't Conflate Flirting With Sexual Harassment — Women Know The Difference, https://www.bustle.com/p/flirting-sexual-harassment-are-two-entirely-different-things-women-know-that-do-men-6746759

What to Do if Your Child is Being Bullied and Resources, https://www.stompoutbullying.org/what-do-if-your-child-being-bullied-and-resources

Notice of Harassment Kit, http://www.documatica-forms.com/bullying.php

Jeremy V. Jones, Teens and Sexual Harassment, https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens-and-sexual-harassment/

Understanding Harassment - definitions, your rights, and how to report and take legal action, https://www.equalrights.org/issue/equality-in-schools-universities/sexual-harassment/

What to Do When Sexual Harassment Target Teenagers, https://www.eandblaw.com/employment-discrimination-blog/2019/09/12/sexual-harassment-targets-teenage-workers/

Reporting Resources, https://www.brandeis.edu/investigate/teen-sexual-harassment/resources.html

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In today's episode, we interview Jessica Frew. She has a successful podcast called “Husband in Law” that she records with her husband, Matt, and her ex-husband, Steve. They also co-own The BOLD Logic, a company devoted to helping people go from living in an “I should” mindset to taking bold action towards keeping and reclaiming their sense of self. Jessica helps us know how to talk with our daughters about living a bold life.

• Take Control of Your Life
  • Recognize what you can control and own those things
  • Take control of your decisions and attitudes
  • You get to decide what your boldness looks like
• Find Your Joy
  • Figure out what brings you joy right now
  • What do you find yourself doing for hours on end?
  • Protect what brings you joy
  • Don't do things just because they "should" bring you joy
• Silence the Noise
  • Help your daughter listen to her inner voice
  • As your inner voice gets louder, the outside voices and influences grow quieter

Resources:

• Instagram, @husband_in_law
• https://theboldlogic.com/free-book
• https://theboldlogic.com/its-not-you
• https://husband-in-law.simplecast.com/

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We all agree that kindness is important. We all want our teen daughters to be kind. But what does that really mean? And how do we really live a life of kindness without getting burned out or taken advantage of?

• The difference between being nice and being kind
• Being kind in your own unique way
• Kindness is powerful

Resources:

• Harvard Health, The Heart and Science of Kindness, https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-heart-and-science-of-kindness-2019041816447
• Project Happiness, The Difference Between Being Nice and Being Kind, https://shop.projecthappiness.org/blogs/project-happiness/the-difference-between-being-nice-and-being-kind
• Fatherly, Nice vs Kind, https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/nice-vs-kind-big-difference-why-it-matters/#:~:text=Being%20nice%20is%20easy.,Being%20kind%20takes%20work.&text=The%20way%20that%20we%20think,%2C%20you're%20being%20nice.
• PBS, The Science of Kindness: It's Not Easy Being Nice, https://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/the-science-of-kindness-its-not-easy-being-nice/
• Louder Minds, Michele Connolly, Stop Being So Damn Nice, https://louderminds.com/kind-introvert-nice/
• Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

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Teens and acne. It's a universal issue! Today we discuss what we learned from dermatologist, Dr. Jason Mathis, as well as our own research on everything related to skin care.

• How to keep skin clean
  • Gentle cleansers
  • Benzoyl Peroxide
  • Salicylic Acid
• How and why to moisturize
  • Repairs the skin barrier
  • Helps skin avoid premature aging
  • Suggested moisturizers
• How and why to protect skin from the sun
  • Why to protect
  • How to help convince your teen to protect
• What to do for specific problems
  • Retinoids
  • Prescribed medications (Accutane, etc.)
  • Hormonal Acne

• Things not to do

  • Don't pick
  • Don't use magnified mirrors
  • Don't have unrealistic expectations

Resources:

• Jason Mathis, MD, University of Utah Health, https://healthcare.utah.edu/fad/mddetail.php?physicianID=u0415270&name=jason-g-mathis
• How to Treat Acne with Benzoyl Peroxide, https://www.healthline.com/health/benzoyl-peroxide-for-acne
• What is Cystic Acne https://www.healthline.com/health/beauty-skin-care/cystic-acne#TOC_TITLE_HDR_1
• Salicylic Acid vs. Benzoyl Peroxide: Which Is Better for Acne? https://www.healthline.com/health/beauty-skin-care/salicylic-acid-vs-benzoyl-peroxide
• Teens and Acne Treatment https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/Pages/Teens-and-Acne.aspx
• Tips for Getting Kids and Teens to Wear Sunscreen https://www.dermadoctor.com/blog/tips-for-getting-kids-teens-to-wear-sunscreen/
• Hormonal Acne, https://www.self.com/story/hormonal-acne

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Today's episode is a little different format than our usual episodes. This month in the States we are celebrating Black History Month, so we wanted to take time to talk about strong black women that we want our daughters to know and emulate. We have chosen 5 women, each with a specific trait that we want to teach our daughters about to help them become strong, confident, and influential!

• Misty Copeland - It's never too late to start
  • First black principal dancer with American Ballet Theatre
• Billie Holiday - Do what's right no matter what
  • Jazz singer
• Claudette Colvin - You don't have to be an adult to make a difference
  • Civil rights activist
• Bessie Coleman - Don't be afraid to be the first
  • First Black and Native American woman to hold a pilot's license
• Sojourner Truth - Stand up for yourself
  • Slave turned speaker and civil and women's rights activist

Resources:

• The Economist: Misty Copeland - Why ballet has so few black dancers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qLJCkNqnYg
• www.mistycopeland.com
• Pop Sugar: Misty Copeland Dancing at 2019 AMA, https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/misty-copeland-dancing-at-2019-american-music-awards-46943817
• Billie Holiday: Strange Fruit, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DGY9HvChXk
• https://billieholiday.com/bio/
• Inside Out Tours, Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit": The First Great Song of the Civil Rights Movement, https://insideouttours.com/2019/02/25/billie-holidays-strange-fruit-the-first-great-protest-song-of-the-civil-rights-movement/
• NPR, Before Rosa Parks There was Claudette Colvin, https://www.npr.org/2009/03/15/101719889/before-rosa-parks-there-was-claudette-colvin
• Biography - Claudette Colvin, https://www.biography.com/news/claudette-colvin-rosa-parks-bus-boycott
• History Chicks Podcast, Episode 26, http://thehistorychicks.com/episode-26-rosa-parks-2/rp-claudette-colvin/
• NY Times, Overlooked No More: Bessie Coleman, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/11/obituaries/bessie-coleman-overlooked.html
• Women's History, Biographies: Bessie Coleman, https://www.womenshistory.org/education-resources/biographies/bessie-coleman
• Women's History, Biographies: Sojourner Truth, https://www.womenshistory.org/education-resources/biographies/sojourner-truth

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We are so excited to share our interview with abuse-prevention specialist, Lauren Davis. She shares with us how help our teens avoid the pitfalls that come with technology. We learned so much!

• Technology and the Teenage Brain
  • What fluctuations of dopamine do to the brain (especially strong in teenagers)
  • Dopamine vs. Serotonin
  • Using technology to create connections
• What teens should know about cyberbullying
  • What cyberbullying is
  • What to do if you or someone you know is involved in cyberbullying
  • How to help prevent cyberbullying
• What teens should know about online predators
  • What are the patterns of an online predator that teens should watch out for?
    • Isolation
    • Flattery

Resources:

-Lauren Davis, Utah Valley Family Support and Treatment Center, http://www.utahvalleyfamilysupport.org/about-us/our-team/attachment/lauren-davis/

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Today we’re going to talk about heroes! Specifically, what makes a hero and how your teen can be their own hero. They don’t have to wait for someone to save them. They don't have to wait for someone else to make a difference. They can do it themselves.

• What is a hero?
• • Ask your teen who their heroes are
  • Heroes are people who are admired for great deeds
• Recognize real heroes around us
  • Frontline workers, teachers, point out characteristics of people in TV shows or book
• • Help them see heroes around them
  • Role model gratitude
  • Encourage them to be involved
  • Point out their heroic traits
• Help your teen see how they can be their own heroes
• • Foster Heroic imaginations
  • Help them see things that aren’t right
  • Teach them they can resolve a conflict
  • Help them develop confidence
  • Model care and empathy
  • Express expectation that kids will act heroically

Resources:

• Parasiliti, B. (2017, February 06). Understanding the difference between idols and heroes. https://www.heraldmailmedia.com/sports/understanding-the-difference-between-idols-and-heroes/article_ab556cee-ebed-11e6-a734-a36f3bbfa6d6.html#:~:text=Right%20there%20is%20the%20difference,sets%20athletes%20like%20Brady%20apart.
• Pontz, E. (2020, May 29). 3 Ways to Help Teens Recognize Personal Heroes During the Pandemic. https://parentandteen.com/heroes/
• Zafar, S. (n.d.). Be Your Own Hero. https://www.ted.com/talks/samra_zafar_be_your_own_hero
• Franco, Z., & Zimbardo, P. (n.d.). The Banality of Heroism. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_banality_of_heroism
• Burton, K., & https://www.dummies.com/health/mental-health/confidence-for-dummies-cheat-sheet/

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Self-compassion is something we feel strongly that we want our teen daughters to understand, but it's also SO HARD. In this episode we try and break down more about what self-compassion is and why it matters so much.

• The definition of self-compassion
  • Self-compassion and self-esteem are not the same thing
  • Compassion means to "suffer with" so self-compassion literally means to "suffer with" ourselves
  • When we suffer with ourselves, we are doing more than just feeling sorry for ourselves.
• Why teens (and all of us!) should care about self-compassion
  • Self-compassion encourages teens to adopt a growth mindset
  • Self-compassion allows teens to step out of the comparison race
  • Self-compassion is the key to overcoming setbacks (big ones and small ones!)

Resources:

• Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Buy Here
• Kristin Neff's website - www.self-compassion.org
• Serena Chen, Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion, Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion
• Kristin Neff, Ted Talk: The 3 Components of Self-Compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k

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"I love you too much to deny you the privilege of making mistakes." This was said by Kathie Lee Gifford's Dad, and we love it! Failure is hard, but it's essential! Today we talk all about the importance of failure.

• Failure is about learning
  • It's essential! - Mistakes are for learning
  • 5 Things Failure Teaches Us (Forbes):
    1. Keeps your ego in check
    2. Inspires positive change
    3. Gives you a new perspective
    4. Teaches resilience
    5. Teaches you want you want (and don't want)
  • Let your teen fail while they're still with you and you can help them
• How to allow failure and still be supportive
  • Make risk-taking a family value
  • Teach your teen to expect failure as part of the process
  • Don't solve your teens problems for them
  • Support your student by letting go
    • Give her tools. Give her resources. But let her use them.
• Final thoughts about failure
  • "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor" - Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • "In the long run, our biggest regrets are not our actions, but our inactions." -Adam Grant
  • Les Brown's "ghost" analogy

Resources:

• Let Your Teen Fail, https://parentandteen.com/let-your-teen-fail
• Should I Let My Kids Fail, https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/should-i-let-my-kids-fail
• The Value of Failing, https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2018/04/the-value-of-failing/558848/
• Failure Found to be an Essential Prerequisite for Success, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/failure-found-to-be-an-essential-prerequisite-for-success/
• Forbes, Why Failure Leads to Career Success, https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2019/11/20/why-failure-leads-to-career-success/?sh=f0f489575780
• Adam Grant, The Surprising Habits of Original Thinkers, https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_grant_the_surprising_habits_of_original_thinkers?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
• Are Helicopter Parents Ruining a Generation? https://youtu.be/CeltnroSGco
• Denzel Washington Fall Forward Speech https://www.characteractionmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/D-Washington-Speech-Transcript.pdf

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It's here! The thing teens care most about - FRIENDS!
⁠
This week we decided to focus on good friendships - why they matter, the difference between healthy and toxic friendships, and what character traits your daughter can develop to become a better friend. ⁠

Why having a good friend matters

• Good friends teach us how to interact with all different people
• Good friends they teach patience and forgiveness
• Good friends they help us move past our comfort zones
• Good friends keep our minds healthy
• Good friends help us endure the hard things in life

What’s the difference between a good friendship and a toxic friendship

• BLAME: Toxic friendships often leave you feeling responsible for things that aren’t your fault
• LISTENING: If you find that your friend doesn’t ever listen to you - sometimes quite literally- you may be in a toxic friendship. Only one person is getting their needs met.
• TIME SPENT: In a toxic friendship, one might get left out/not invited. Or, opposite, you can’t spend anytime apart.
• RESPECT: Toxic friendships don’t take you seriously. They put pressure on your values and boundaries.
• VULNERABILITY: Toxic friendship are not a safe place where we aren't comfortable sharing vulnerabilities or our full self.

What character traits your daughter can develop to become a better friend

• Leadership
• Reciprocity
• Empathy
• Kindness
• Respect for boundaries
• Loyalty
• Trust

Resources

• Sissy Goff, Focus on the Family, https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/friendship-factor-making-and-keeping-friends/
• LifeAbout.com, Why Friendship is Important, https://www.liveabout.com/why-friendship-is-important-1385655
• Tara Parker-Pope, What are Friends For? https://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?_r=0
• Mallory Grimste, LCSW, 5 Warning Signs of a Toxic Friendship, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcEkeyt05Nc
• Mallory Grimste, LCSW, Other Resource: www.mallorygrimste.com, @mallorygrimste
• Life As Mama, Teach Your Teen How to be a Good Friend, https://lifeasmama.com/teach-your-teen-how-to-be-a-good-friend/

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Today's episode is all about bras! We are so excited we had the opportunity to interview bra fitting professional Courtney Killpack. Listen in to learn all about how to talk with your daughter about all things bra.

Talking Point #1: Why having a properly fitting bra matters (even when you're young and developing!)

• Bra fits are generational - we learn from our moms who learned from their moms, but a lot has changed in the last 20 years, especially sizes available
• It’s important to start out young understanding how bras should fit so they can take care of themselves better - it will help them have better self-awareness and self-confidence
• Bras are very highly-technical garments, so when they’re not fitting right it can cause a lot of problems

Talking Point #2: Tips to make sure a bra fits correctly

• One of the biggest problem is usually too big of band size. You want it to fit snugly on the tightest setting.
• Bras are like teeter-totters. You want them low in the back so they pull up the front.
• You want the gore (where the underwires meet) to lay flat and separate the breasts.
• You also don't want to be coming out the top of the cups or the cups to gap.

Talking Point #3: How to adapt as breasts change

• First, before your daughter even develops, talk about bodies and what to expect as they change.
• Once your daughter starts budding, it’s time to get a little bralette to get used to it.
• Once they start developing breast tissue, they’re ready to go get fitted and wear a full bra.
• As they’re growing, get them 1-2 bras with 1-2 sport bras. When they’re fully developed, 3-4 daily bras is ideal.
• If they get professionally fitted, they’ll be taught when their bra isn’t fitting them correctly anymore.

Talking Point #4: How to care for a bra

• Avoid Tide and Woolite
• Best to use lingerie soap
• Hand wash is best (helps the bra last longer)
• Gently use a toothbrush to help scrub clean
• Bras only last about 1 year

Resources:

• Courtney's Website: www.bosombesties.com
• Courtney's IG Account: @brafittingsbycourt

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“There is no passion to be found playing small and settling for a life that’s less than the one you’re capable of living” -Nelson Mandela. Talking about goals can be boring, but it doesn't have to be! By focusing on dreams and passions, you can get even unmotivated teens a little more excited about goal-setting.

• Why goals matter
  • Setting goals helps you become who you want to become
  • Goals help organize us and keep us focused
  • Goal-setting is important for mental health
  • Setting and achieving goals give you qualities and skills that set you apart from those who don’t
• Tips for talking with your teen about goals
  • Talking with an unmotivated teen
  • Talking with an overly-motivated, perfectionist teen
  • General tips
• How to set effective goals
  • Write down the goal
  • SMART
  • Choose a “goal buddy”
  • Name potential challenges and setbacks
  • Schedule revisiting and revising dates

Resources:

• Julie Nairman, Big Life Journal, How to Help Teens Set Effective Goals, https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/guide-effective-goal-setting-teens-template-worksheet
• Leslie Riopel MsC, Positive Psychology, The Importance, Benefits, and Value of Goal Setting, https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-goal-setting/#:~:text=Setting%20goals%20helps%20trigger%20new,you%20don't%20properly%20manage
• SMART Teen App, https://www.teensmartgoals.com/goal-setting-for-teens
• The boring YouTube video on SMART goals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCRSVRD2EAk
• Motivating YouTube videos for you and your teen
  • Michelle Obama graduation speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxW5D5VPg_0
  • What Are Your Goals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNITe9snHqA
  • Denzel Washington graduation speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbnzAVRZ9Xc

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Boundaries are so important. And can be so hard! Because boundaries are so vital, we have split this topic into a 2-part series. Part 1 will focus on how parents can set boundaries with their teen. Part 2 will focus on how teens can set boundaries in their own life.

Unhealthy vs. Healthy Boundaries

• Unhealthy Boundaries
  • Porous Boundaries
  • Rigid Boundaries
• Healthy Boundaries
  • Open, honest communication
  • Flexible
  • Able to protect yourself
  • Help us respect others

Application practice through examples

• Examples to give your daughter so she can practice applying healthy vs unhealthy boundaries

How to get help in dangerous situations

• What to do if someone threatens harm to themselves or others if boundary requirements not met
  • SafeUT (or similar app in other states)
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    • 800-273-8255
    • Suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Resources:

• @unapologeticallysurviving
• @kristendukechats
• Barbara Greenburg, USN, 5 Ways to Help Teens Set Boundaries with Friends, https://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2018-02-13/5-ways-to-help-teens-set-boundaries-with-friends
• Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, https://www.amazon.com/
• Heather Senior Monroe, Newport Academy, Why Boundaries Matter for Teens, https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/teens-health-boundaries/

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Boundaries are so important. And can be so hard! Because boundaries are so vital, we have split this topic into a 2-part series. Part 1 will focus on how parents can set boundaries with their teen. Part 2 will focus on how teens can set boundaries in their own life.

The basics of setting up boundaries

• How boundaries benefit teens (even if they won't admit it!)
• Do preparation work before talking with your teen
• Tips for how to set up boundaries

How to deal with boundary testing

• Be firm and consistent
• Give respect to get respect

Keys to enforcing consequences

• Remember that pushing boundaries is normal teen behavior (and healthy developmentally!)
• If they break the agreed-upon deal:
  • Reiterate the deal broken
  • Allow natural consequences
  • If natural consequences don't apply, cooperatively decide on a fitting consequence
  • Follow through (so hard!)
• Provide positive reinforcement when they do comply
• Spend time talking about a ton of other things besides boundaries

Resources:

• Set realistic boundaries with your teenager https://parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/connecting-and-communicating/things-to-try-building-trust/set-realistic-boundaries-with-your-teenager
• Stephanie Klindt, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern: 10 Way to Set Appropriate Boundaries with Teens http://teentherapycentersv.org/2014/12/30/10-ways-to-set-appropriate-boundaries-with-teens/

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Teaching teens gratitude can be tricky amid all of the drama and angst... but our friend Holly has some great tips on how to do it, even during challenging times! Both Penny and Steph left this interview inspired.

⁠

Why gratitude matters

• Gratitude changes the way you view the world
• Gratitude helps you during challenging times

How to have gratitude in your home during challenging times

• Allow your kids to feel their emotions. Listen to them. They can't feel gratitude until they've been heard.

What does work have to do with gratitude?

• Why Holly's kids work and pay for things
• The changes she sees in her kids because of work
• Work helps us value what we have and see how hard you have to work to get it

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It’s a pretty common problem… We have a picture taken of us, and we think we look fine when it’s being taken, and then we view the picture later, and we're shocked! "That’s what I look like?!"

Let's help our daughters understand why this happens and how to get comfortable with pictures of themselves (and maybe us moms can learn a little about this too?).

⁠

The science behind why we don't like our pictures

• Self-enhancement bias
• Mere exposure effect
• Confirmation bias

How to get comfortable with pictures of ourselves

• Use mere exposure effect to your advantage
• Cultivate happiness while pictures are being taken
• Understand the power of lenses, dimensions, and angles.

Why selfies are dangerous

• Taking selfies is normal
• Be aware what category you're falling under when you take/post a selfie
• If you notice unhealthy patterns, look for what emotional needs you need met
• Don't take stupid, dangerous selfies on cliffs :)

Resources

• • Madeleine A. Fugère Ph.D (expertise is attraction and romantic relationships)., Why Seeing Photos of Ourselves Disappoints Us, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201710/why-seeing-photos-ourselves-disappoints-us
  • Edith Leigh, How to LIke Your Photos, https://www.edithleighphotography.nz/post/how-to-like-your-photos
  • Krishna, Ooo St. Lou Studios, The Science of the Selfie No You don’t Really Look LIke that, https://oohstloustudios.com/the-science-of-the-selfie-no-you-dont-really-look-like-that
  • Dangerous Selfies, https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/dangerous-selfies/#:~:text=Between%202011%20and%202017%2C%20259,risky%20selfies%20like%20this%20one
  • Dalvin Brown, USA Today, Why You Take Selfies and How It’s Dangerous, https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2019/05/22/why-you-take-selfies-and-how-its-dangerous/3691366002/
  • Diana Alonso, The Societal Obsession with Selfies (and what’s wrong with it) https://www.psychalive.org/obsession-with-selfies/
  • Parent Co., The Dangers of Selfie Culture and How You Can Help Your Kids https://www.parent.com/the-dangers-of-selfie-culture-and-how-you-can-help-your-kids/

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We remember as teens being so so scared about earthquakes, fires, LA Riots, Nuclear war, gangs, kidnappers, etc. etc. The world has a lot of scary stuff! Can we say hello to 2020? Stuff like this is becoming very real and present with our kids because it seems like bad things happen every day, and now we have a more global and constant news cycle because of the internet. Listen in to learn how you can help your daughter cope with these big things.

⁠

Validate Their Fears

• Talk and listen
• Share things you worried about as a teen
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep

Small Things That Can Help

• Try to maintain regular routine as much as you can
• Keep home a safe place
• Give them a chance to help
• Connect with others
• Reassure them

When to Seek Help

• Risk factors
• Things to watch out for

Resources

• Five Coping Skills Teens Need to Know https://parentandteen.com/coping-skills/
• Helping Children cope with Disasters and Traumatic Events https://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/disaster.htm
• Helping Children Cope https://www.ready.gov/helping-children-cope
• Parent presentation: Helping Children cope with crisis and loss during the pandemic https://vimeo.com/442056847
• Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Disasters and Other Traumatic Events: What Parents, Rescue Workers, and the Community Can Do https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/helping-children-and-adolescents-cope-with-disasters-and-other-traumatic-events/index.shtml
• Helping Youth Cope with Disaster https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/HelpingYouthCopewithDisaster.pdf
• Helping children and teens cope with stressful public event https://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/disaster

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It’s so tempting to try and hide any negative feelings or experiences we’re having from our daughters - we don’t want them to worry, and we want to be tough, and we so badly want to be as strong and perfect as possible for them!! But, let’s be honest, they can usually tell when something’s up, and not knowing makes them worry MORE. Also, when we don’t share any negative experiences or feelings we’re having, we don’t model how to handle and express them. This is a huge missed opportunity! So this is what we want to talk about today.

⁠

Why you should share your hard things with your daughter

• They worry more when we don’t share but they can sense it
• It models for her that it’s healthy and good to share all emotions in a healthy way
• It gives her the chance to show and feel compassion
• It helps creates trust and helps engender confidence - both in herself and in your relationship

How to share your hard things without adding worry to your daughter

• You don't need to share details (in fact, there are some details you shouldn't share!)
• Instead, share what you are feeling

How to let your daughter help you (in a healthy way)

• 3 Simple Steps
  • 1. Talk with her about how you need her help when you're struggling (do this ahead of time). Ask if she's willing.
  • Give her specific, reasonable ways to help you.
  • Thank her - even if she didn't do things perfectly. Thank her even for her willingness. Do not be critical
• Tell her you want to be there for her too.

Resources:

• John Lamie, Should You Hide Your Negative Emotions from Your Children?, The Conversation, https://theconversation.com/should-you-hide-negative-emotions-from-children-104710
• Bonnie M. Le and Emily A. Impett, The Costs of Suppressing Negative Emotions and Amplifying Positive Emotions During Parental Caregiving, Sage Journal, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167216629122
• Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph D, Communicating About Emotion Between Adolescent and Parents, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201705/communicating-about-emotion-between-parent-and
• @gottmaninstitute

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“A healthy democracy needs well-informed, active citizens. But these citizens don’t just magically appear. People learn citizenship. They learn it, for example, as children when they go the polling place to watch their parents vote. They learn it advocating for an issue they care about with their neighbors. They learn it by doing it.” Valerie Strauss

This quote sums up the reason we felt that we needed to do this episode. Are our teens learning about the importance of voting and citizenship from us? Let's talk about it!

⁠

Discuss politics at home

• Doesn't have to be specific or divisive
• Teach respectful disagreement
• Be okay if your child doesn't follow in your footsteps
• Learn to express your feelings

Why voting matters in 4 bullet points

• 1. Voting has consequences
• 1. Voting is a responsibility
• 1. Voting is a privilege
• 1. Voting is a way to affect change

What teens can do before they're 18

• It seems dumb, but political tv shows are a fun, albeit not-very-realistic intro to some aspects of governement
• Take political classes (US Government and Citizenship is required)
• Pre-register (age dependent on state)
• Pay attention to passions and see how they can be talked about politically

Resources:

• Register future voters https://www.tolerance.org/future-voters-project/register-future-voters
• How to register, where to vote, learn about candidates (in Utah): https://voteinfo.utah.gov/
• Which states offer preregistration: https://www.ncsl.org/research/elections-and-campaigns/preregistration-for-young-voters.aspx#How
• Interesting facts about why voting matters: https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/why-voting-matters-motivating-facts/
• How the voting process in the US works https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-53785985
• Candidate platforms and horribly hilarious illustrations https://columbiachronicle.com/d98bd03e-3acf-11e9-a5ee-377326c0c21b
• Taking it to the basics: https://www.kindercare.com/content-hub/articles/2016/october/good-politics-how-to-teach-your-kids-about-voting
• 4 Reasons voting matters: https://www.noodle.com/articles/teaching-your-teen-about-the-elections
• History of Voting in US: https://www.sos.wa.gov/_assets/elections/history-of-voting-in-america-timeline.pdf
• Map of democracy in world: https://freedomhouse.org/explore-the-map?type=fiw&year=2020&country=LBY
• Why young people don’t vote: https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2018/09/20/many-young-people-dont-vote-because-they-never-learned-how-heres-free-class-now-schools-trying-change-that/
• Politifact https://www.politifact.com/
• @theamericanmoms and https://theamericanmoms.com
• Penny's Friend- Michelle Barber

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We're not sure there's ever been more pressure on our teens to figure out their own schedules and manage their time wisely than right now. Whatever your daughter is doing for school during a pandemic, chances are she needs to be on her A-game with her school work. ⁠Our teens balance school, work, music lessons, friends, family responsibilities, school responsibilities, sports teams, and who knows what else. It's tough! We've been doing a lot of research into simple ways to teach teens how to manage their time (hopefully without making them defensive). Listen in today to see what we've come up with.⁠

Benefits of good time management

• Reduced anxiety
• Increased responsibility
• Better decision-making skills
• More time for family and friends
• Better performance at work and school
• More time to relax

Important Life Skills to promote good time management

• Work smarter not harder
• Take care of yourself to have adequate energy
• Take brief but regular breaksRecognize the emotions you’re feeling and how what impact it has on your efficiency
• Challenge the stories you tell ourself about events
• Don’t multitask “Multitasking is a myth”
• Clarify your priorities

Steps parents can take to teach good time management

• Be a good example
• Give them good tools
• Encourage them to write down their schedule
• Help them prioritize
• Help them figure out what is most important to them based on values and commitments
• Help them develop routines
• Avoid nagging
• Set limits on electronics (In a perfect world, they’d do this themselves.)
• Encourage her to set goals

Resources:

• Amy Morin, LCSW, Very Well Family. How to Teach Time Management Skills to Teens. https://www.verywellfamily.com/teaching-time-management-skills-to-teens-2608794
• Tim Urban, Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator, Ted Talks, https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
• Important Life Skills to Promote Time Management, Instagram, @letstalkmanagement
• American Psychology Association, Mutlitasking: Switching Costs, https://www.apa.org/research/action/multitask
• Benjamin Mayo, How to Set a Time Limit for a Specific iphone App, https://9to5mac.com/2018/10/16/time-limit-app-limit-iphone-ipad/
• Claire Gagne, 4 Parent-Tested Systems You Can Use to Limit Screen Time, https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/parent-tested-systems-you-can-use-to-limit-screen-time/
• Dread list, Instagram, @psych_today
• Ping Pong Object Lesson, https://youtu.be/Lpau5YXk46Y

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We are so excited to share this interview with you! Stephanie Webb is a nutrition coach and co-founder of Eat Confident Co., an online nutrition coaching practice.⁠ We learned so much about simplifying the way we talk to our girls about food and how to manage the questions and concerns teenage girls often have about nutrition. Stephanie is smart, funny, and authentic. We really think you'll love this episode. ⁠

How to eat well without over-complicating it

• Food and nutrition doesn't need to be complicated - it shouldn't be
• We need to teach our daughters that their bodies are good

A few nutrition basics for teens

• The four pillars of nutrition are: Eat regularly, Eat adequately, Eat variety, and Eat what you love

The best source of information and how to access it

• Your body is the best place you can go to figure out what you need
• You don't need programs or books or specialists

What to do when you feel off balance

• How you're doing with food tells you how you're doing with life
• Take shame away from negative eating experiences (like over-eating) and make a plan for next time that is more helpful and can better meet your needs

Resources:

• @intuitive.eating.nutritionist
• @eatconfident.co
• Stephanie's website stephaniewebb.co
• Schedule a 20-minute free call with Stephanie stephaniewebb.co/freecall
• Eat Confident Collective eatconfident.co

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Stick with us on this one. It sounds harsh. We know your daughter is special. But this episode will help you understand that dangers of focusing on her special-ness. We want our daughters to thrive, but we also want them to avoid the pitfalls of thinking they need to always be the best.

Being special requires comparison - and someone else will always be better

• It’s tempting to want to tell our daughters that they are special, but we are really setting them up to always think they need to be special-er, that somehow, being ordinary or mediocre, or even the same-great as someone else isn’t acceptable.
• We can see this a lot on social media - but this is misleading
• Trying to stay special - and all of the comparison that comes with it - is EXHAUSTING

Expectations we apply to everyone else apply to us too

• If I would give someone else grace over something, then I need to be able to give that same grace to myself.

Mediocrity is not the goal, but being ordinary is okay too

• “Mediocrity as a goal, sucks, but mediocrity as a result is ok.” (Mark Manson, In Defense of Being Average)

Developing YOU matters more than being special

• Finding and nurturing your unique gifts is different than thinking you’re special
• How to know if you’re seeing and developing your uniqueness vs competing in the special race.

Resources:

• Mark Manson, Being Special, https://markmanson.net/being-special
• Mark Manson, In Defense of Being Average, https://markmanson.net/being-average
• Scott Mills, The Tyranny of Being Special, https://medium.com/@scottmills_56999/the-tyranny-of-special-why-you-should-give-up-being-special-and-try-on-being-unique-74592656495a
• The School of Life, Overcoming the Need to be Exceptional, https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/overcoming-the-need-to-be-exceptional/

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Crushes and love are a HUGE part of the teen years. But are we talking with our daughters about what healthy romance looks like? Or are we leaving it to the movies and social media to teach them? Let's make sure we're talking about love with our girls.

Help them define love

• Do they confuse it with lust, obsession, infatuation, idolization
• What are they attracted to and why?

Teach them what a healthy relationship looks like

• Point out relationships in shows you watch or books you read

• Signs of a Healthy Relationship (national domestic violence hotline)

• • Freedom to be yourself
  • Mutual Respect
  • Limited Jealousy
  • Support
  • Privacy
  • Boundaries
  • Communication

Teach them what an unhealthy relationship looks like

• Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control, not equality and respect.
• Signs of an unhealthy relationship
  • possessiveness,
  • Insults
  • jealous accusations
  • Yelling
  • Humiliation
  • pulling hair, pushing or other abusive behaviors
  • Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserve to be respected. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.

Teach them about Consent

• Don’t wait until they’re in a relationship to talk about consent and what’s healthy and what’s not.
• Basics of Consent
  • mutual agreement between partners
  • needs to happen every time
  • your relationship status does not make consent automatic
  • consent is not a free pass
  • there’s no such thing as implied consent
  • it’s not consent if you’re afraid or unable to say no
  • nonconsent means stop.
  • if anyone involved isn’t consenting, then what is happening is or could be rape, sexual assault or abuse.

Resources:

• Dr. Robyn Silverman, How To Talk to Kids About Healthy, Caring, Romantic Relationships, https://drrobynsilverman.com/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-healthy-caring-romantic-relationships-with-dr-richard-weissbourd-rerelease/
• Planned Parenthood, What Should I Teach My High School-Aged Teen About Relationships, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/high-school/what-should-i-teach-my-high-school-aged-teen-about-relationships
• Sarah Aswell, The Complete Guide to Teaching Kids Consent at Every Age, https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age
• Amy Joyce, The Washington Post, The Sex Talk Isn't Enough: How Parents Can Teach Teens About Healthy Relationships, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/05/17/how-to-teach-teens-to-have-healthy-romantic-relationships/
• Michelle Drew, Love vs Infatuation, https://psychcentral.com/lib/love-versus-infatuation/
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships, https://www.thehotline.org/2013/02/28/teaching-teens-about-healthy-relationships/
• Love Is Respect, Healthy Relationships, https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
• Love Is Respect, Understanding Teen Dating Violence and Sexual Assault, https://www.loveisrespect.org/understanding-teen-dating-violence-and-sexual-assault/

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We interview Brittney all about teenage girls and porn in this episode. As a teenager, Brittney secretly watched porn. She talks about how she got started, why she kept watching, and why she thinks it's important that moms talk with their teen girls about this subject.

Brittney's story

• Brittney shares her story - it's a GREAT story to share with your daughter

How to prevent problems with porn

• You can't necessarily prevent your daughter from seeing porn
• You can keep an open dialogue about sex and porn so she knows she can talk with you
• Share with your daughter stupid things you did as a teenager

What to do if your daughter has a problem with porn

• Make sure she knows you love her no matter what
• Do not shame her at all
• Put her in the driver's seat of finding a solution and let her know you're there to support her and be with her, but let her be the driver of what she needs

Resources

Laura M. Padilla-Walker, Dean M. Busby, Chelom Eastwood Leavitt, Jason S. Carroll “A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex” https://www.amazon.com/dp/1629723738/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_btf_t1_Z.KrFb3ARTNF0 Kristen A Jenson and Debbie Fox, "Good Pictures Bad Pictures" https://www.amazon.com/dp/0997318732/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_btf_t1_4aLrFbXKNJA45 Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, http://www.Finlayson-Fife.com Jennifer Finlayson Fife, Podcast she did about teaching kids about sexuality, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-finlayson-fifes-podcast-archive/id1479472319?i=1000457586553 Protect Young Eyes, https://protectyoungeyes.com

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The goal of this conversation is to help normalize and educate our daughters all about periods. They hate it, but it’s really important they know what’s happening with their bodies, and that there’s nothing gross or wrong with it.

Helping your daughter know her body

• Body parts inside and out
• What are hormones?
• The 4 phases of the menstrual cycle

Knowing the signs that something is wrong

• The signs to be concerned about

Finding gratitude and beauty in our menstruating bodies

• Scientific reasons periods are necessary
• Using the seasons of our menstrual cycle to become more in tune with ourselves

Resources

Teen Health Source, Period Basics, http://teenhealthsource.com/puberty/periods/#:~:text=The%20average%20length%20between%20periods,your%20period%20to%20become%20regular.

Reviewed by Robyn R. Miller, MD, Kids Health, Talk About Menstruation, https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/talk-about-menstruation.html

Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD, Web MD, All About Menstruation, https://teens.webmd.com/girls/all-about-menstruation#1

Stephanie Watson, Reviewed by Holly Ernst, PA-C, Stages of Menstrual Cycle, https://www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/stages-of-menstrual-cycle#menstrual

Period Podcast with Kate Clancy Episode 2 Monkey Trainers and Tampon Squeezers, https://periodpodcast2.libsyn.com/episode-2-monkey-trainers-and-tampon-squeezers

Period Podcast with Kate Clancy Episode 4 I think it’s sort of like pee or poop, https://periodpodcast2.libsyn.com/episode-4-i-think-its-sort-of-like-pee-or-poop

Period Podcast with Kate Clancy Episode 5 Teaching Periods, https://periodpodcast2.libsyn.com/episode-5-teaching-periods

Anthea Levi, 6 Things Your Period Can Reveal About Your Health, https://www.health.com/condition/menstruation/period-symptoms-explained?slide=97afac9f-c2c1-41f5-922a-642555569bb7#97afac9f-c2c1-41f5-922a-642555569bb7

@wombsisters (periods highlight reel)

@teenhealthdoc (specializes in endometriosis in teen girls)

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Addiction is something that is near and dear to Penny's heart because it has affected people that she loves. Teens are especially prone to addiction, so it is vital to talk to our daughters about this to help them know how to prevent future problems.

• Teen Brains are especially susceptible to addiction
  • Risk Factors: Biology, Environment, Immature Brain development
  • Teen Brain uses emotional center and is hardwired to learn. It’s better at learning addiction than an adult brain.
• Teens are addicted to a lot of different things
  • Drugs, alcohol, smoking, vaping, pornography, exercise, shopping, gambling, smartphones, and the internet
• Effects of Addiction are long-lasting
  • Harder to unlearn
  • Missed opportunities
  • Can cause brain to stay in the emotional part and not mature to use the frontal lobe.
  • Inability to pay attention and focus.
• Signs of addiction to watch for
  • Most addictions share signs
    • Depression and anxiety
    • Withdrawl
    • Changes in sleep/eating patterns
    • Irritability
    • Dropping Grades
• What to do if you suspect your teen has a problem
  • Talk!
  • Offer unconditional love
  • Validate
  • Find better ways to fill their needs
  • Find treatment if necessary

Resources:

• • OHEL, Addictions in Children and Adolescents, https://www.ohelfamily.org/?q=mental_health/addiction_children_and_adolescents
  • SlickText, Smartphone Addiction Statistics, https://www.slicktext.com/blog/2019/10/smartphone-addiction-statistics/
  • Tech Jury, Smartphone Addiction Statistics, https://techjury.net/blog/smartphone-addiction-statistics/#gref
  • Sarah Karnasiewicz, 7 Scary Things You Never Knew About Cell Phone Addiction, https://www.health.com/condition/anxiety/cell-phone-addiction
  • SOS Safety Magazine, 7 Signs of a Porn Addicted Child, https://sossafetymagazine.com/internet-safety/7-signs-of-a-porn-addicted-child/
  • Walden Behavioral Care, https://www.waldeneatingdisorders.com/blog/9-warning-signs-of-exercise-addiction/
  • National Institute on Drug Abuse, https://www.drugabuse.gov/drug-topics/trends-statistics/infographics/monitoring-future-2019-survey-results-overall-findings
  • Sophie Scott and Rebecca Armitage, ABC, Teenagers Porn Use on the Rise, https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-06-30/teenagers-porn-use-on-the-rise-research-says/8664842
  • Eating Disorder Hope, https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/statistics-studies#General-Statistics-on-Eating-Disorders
  • John Lee, What are Some Warning Signs of Teenage Gambling Problem, https://www.choosehelp.com/topics/gambling-addiction/teen-gambling-and-teen-problem-gambling/what-are-some-warning-signs-of-a-teen-gambling-problem
  • Good Therapy, Compulsive Shopping, https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/compulsive-shopping
  • Heather Hatfield, Web-MD, Shopping Spree or Addiction?, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/shopping-spree-addiction#1
  • NCP Gambling, High School Gambling Fact Sheet, https://www.ncpgambling.org/files/HS_Fact_Sheet.pdf
  • Frances Jensen, The Power of the Adolescent Brain: A TAG Talk, https://youth.gov/sites/default/files/TAG-Talk_Adolescent-Brain-Power_Segment-3.pdf

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We don’t want to fail to follow up on what we talked about in episode 3. We said then that it was just a beginning, and we have continued to learn and try to act. Racism in the news comes and goes, but that doesn’t mean we can become apathetic. We need to continue talking with our daughters.

1. Becoming better allies
   • Becoming an anti-racist growth chart (see on The Messy Bun website)
   • What an ally looks like
   • Rallies, BLM signs
   • Supporting POC businesses
   • Conversations with friends
2. Noticing how we think.
   • How we see POC
     • IG accounts showing how black kids feel in a majority white school (see below)
   • How we view issues all around us.
3. Continuing to educate ourselves
   • Books we've read
   • Other resources
     • YouTube (see below)
     • Examples of Microaggressions (see on The Messy Bun website)
   • Diversifying our feed
     • @privtoprog
     • @ohhappydani
     • @savethechildren
     • @teenhealthdoc
     • @equalitylabs (Indian culture right now)

RESOURCES:

• Bond Voice, https://bondprojectcypher.wordpress.com/
• @blackatbcc, @blackatwhitman, @blackatwooton
• Michele Benoit-Wilson, MD, To White Parents Who Wants to Be Allies at This Time, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/white-parents-allies-black-lives-matter-movement_n_5edc0ed8c5b64a0af20f1f14
• John Blake, How Good White People Derail Racial Progress, https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/01/us/white-liberals-hypocrisy-race-blake/index.html
• Time Magazine, 12 Movies to Watch About Racism, https://time.com/5847912/movies-to-watch-about-racism-protests/
• Redlining, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8zeecPN35g

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It may be a boring topic, but it is vital! This episode covers how to get your teens motivated to do a budget, and how to help them stick with it.

1. Start with dreams about their financial goals (then insert some reality)
   • Ask her to dream about the next 5, 10, 20, and 50 years. Where does she want to be?
   • Share your goals and dreams
   • Inject reality (housing and college costs)
2. Show them how to do a budget, and help them stick to it.
   • Decide ahead of time what she will pay for (gas? team fees? insurance?)
   • Make sure the budget is HERS
   • Find a good app or program to do her budget on
   • Get her involved in your budget as much as you feel comfortable
   • Teach her budgeting basics (projecting income, categories, tracking, savings)
   • Make her stick with it
3. Help them figure out how to earn money
   • For younger teens, this might be neighborhood jobs - dog walking, babysitting, kids camps, etc.
   • For older teens, try and help them find a skill they can use to make more money (swimming, tutoring, graphic design, etc.)
4. Encourage them to do their own research - make sure to send them to the right resources
   • Encourage researching - try to help them find excitement in certain financial areas (investing?)
   • Find out who they admire financially. Encourage them to interview them, perhaps even go out to lunch.

RESOURCES:

• Dave Ramsey, Teaching Teenagers About Money, https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/teach-teenagers-about-money
• Rachel Morgan Cautero, How to Teach Your Teen About Budgeting https://www.thebalance.com/how-to-teach-your-teen-about-budgeting-4160105
• (Budgeting with Percentages) Jacob, 10 Tips on Budgeting for Teens, https://teenfinancialfreedom.com/10-tips-on-budgeting-for-teens/
• (Fun to watch your daughter - so funny!) Bliss Bean, Budgeting and Savings, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfdZDmgXP14
• Jo Franco, The Realest Financial Advice I Wish Someone Told Me, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ioNPBHUBlk
• (Budgeting with Quadrants/Matrices), Sophia Amoruso - GirlBoss, How To Make Budgeting Fun" Teen Vogue, https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-make-budgeting-fun
• (Great websites for learning more) https://www.moneyunder30.com, https://www.notquiteanadult.com/
• Great Instagram Accounts to follow:
  @_teenfinancialfreedom_⁠
  @daveramsey⁠
  @wisewomanwallet⁠
  @rachelcruze⁠
  @anthonyoneal⁠
  @thefinancialdiet

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In this episode, we discuss strategies to teach your teen about conflict. This is an important life skill that will help your daughter be successful in all aspects of life.

1. Conflict is a necessary part of life.
   • There are many ways we deal with conflict poorly, which often end with negative consequences.
   • Conflict CAN be positive and improve relationships.
2. Come Prepared.
   • Don't make it personal.
   • Tell the story from the other person's perspective.
   • Decide if you're willing to negotiate.
   • Answer 3 questions:
     • What do I want for myself?
     • What do I want for others?
     • What do I want for this relationship?
3. Follow the Steps
   • Schedule ahead of time.
   • Establish respectful language.
   • Concisely retell the story.
   • Stay in the present.
   • Let them talk.
   • Restate the problem with both points of view.
   • Admit your part and apologize.
   • Negotiate
   • If necessary, reevaluate the relationship.

RESOURCES:

• Instagram account @lms.consultant, Dr. Steve Bonner, Conflict Mediator and Facilitator
• Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High, Patterson, Kerry
  https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2D1OZCZ0TEXU2&dchild=1&keywords=crucial+conversations&qid=1596947256&sprefix=crucial+conv%2Caps%2C193&sr=8-1
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFaXx3pgaxM
• Cultures of Dignity: Putting Feelings to Words- A Conflict Management Strategy. https://culturesofdignity.com/putting-feelings-to-words-a-conflict-management-strategy/
• NY Times: How to Help Tweens and Teens Manage Social Conflict https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/16/well/family/how-to-help-tweens-and-teens-manage-social-conflict.html
• PBS.org: 5 Strategies to Help Kids Resolve Conflict https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/5-strategies-to-help-kids-resolve-conflict
• Mom Junction: Important Conflict Resolution Skills for Teenagers https://www.momjunction.com/articles/important-conflict-resolution-skills-for-teenagers_00106119/
• Raising Children.au: Conflict Management with Teens https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships/communicating/conflict-management-with-teens

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This episode is all about talking to your teen athlete about what she eats. We both have teen athletes and are passionate about helping our daughters fuel their bodies so they can perform their best. 1. Say no to diets. * What happens when teen athletes don't eat enough + Female Athlete Triad Syndrome * Tips to make sure your teen athlete gets enough food

1. Eat to fuel your body.

   • Carbs, Fats, Proteins - all necessary, all good.
   • Fueling before and after a workout

2. Be cautious of supplements.

   • Risks of different supplements

RESOURCES:

• Eat Right: Teen Nutrition for All Sports https://www.eatright.org/fitness/sports-and-performance/fueling-your-workout/teen-nutrition-for-fall-sports
• Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works, Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD, and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA, CEDRD, https://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-Revolutionary-Program-Works/dp/B009LB5MFM/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=intuitive+eating&qid=1588472151&sr=8-3
• Web MD: Teen Athletes Often Use Creatine https://www.webmd.com/children/news/20010807/teen-athletes-often-use-creatine#2
• Kids Health: A Guide to Eating for Sports (for teens) https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eatnrun.html?ref=search
• Mayo Clinic: Performance-Enhancing Drugs and Teen Athletes https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/performance-enhancing-drugs/art-20046620
• URMC: Amenorrhea in Teens https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=90&ContentID=p01579
• NPR: To Thrive, Many Young Female Athletes Need a Lot More Food https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/08/31/435294539/to-thrive-many-young-female-athletes-need-a-lot-more-food

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For this episode, we interviewed a very impressive, recently-graduated teen named Mia. She shares with us advice she would give to younger teens, and gives great ideas for conversations moms can have with their daughters. The relationship Mia has with her mom is exactly what Penny and Steph are aiming for with their daughters, and they ended the interview feeling encouraged to talk with and support their daughters the way Mia's mom has talked with and supported her.  The talking points include:

1. Don't care what other people think of you

   • You can't change your face or other things about you, so love yourself as you are
   • You can get through embarrassing times
   • Do the things you love
   • Make sure things you love aren't taking you away from the important things
   • Don't be afraid to switch things up
   • Finding the balance between all of the things you balance as a teen
   • Don't judge others
   • Ideas to steer clear from gossiping
   • Remember you don't know what others are going through
   • Stand out and be different
   • Doing things that are scary can help you get to know people you wouldn't otherwise reach out to
   • Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and let people know about the good and the hard in your life

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Penny & Steph talk in this episode about how to talk to your daughter about why sleep matters. This is a hard one for teens! 1. Teens are chronically sleep deprived. * Only 15% of teens get enough sleep * Teen biological clock

1. Why we need sleep.

   • Sleep literally washes your brain-new research
   • Benefits of getting enough sleep.

2. What good sleep hygiene looks like.

   • Habits and practices that are conducive to sleeping well on a regular basis
3. Avoid sleep aids.
   • Doesn't allow you to go into the deep sleep cycles that your brain needs.

RESOURCES:

• Sleep Foundation: Sleep for Teenagers https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/teens-and-sleep
• Stanford: Among teens, sleep deprivation an epidemic https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2015/10/among-teens-sleep-deprivation-an-epidemic.html
• CNBC: Olympic hero Michael Phelps Says This is the Secret to His Success https://www.cnbc.com/2017/02/14/olympic-hero-michael-phelps-says-this-is-the-secret-to-his-success.html
• Science Daily: Lack of Sleep Affects Fat Metabolism https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/09/190916114020.htm

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In this second part of a two-part series, we talk all about the sticky parts of saying sorry. These things can make us feel uncomfortable, but they're reality, so we need to discuss them. We can help our daughters know how to cope with the difficult parts of apologizing. 1. What to do when your apology isn't accepted

* Don't take your apology back
* Don't get defensive
* Give them space
* Show you're sorry with your actions

1. When saying sorry can backfire

   • When you don't change
   • They can use your apology against you
   • They might feel pressured to forgive before they're ready
   • They might lose respect for you

2. How to live without over apologizing.

   • Re-phrase instead of saying sorry (i.e. Thanks for being patient)
   • Know what you should and shouldn't apologize for
   • Don't apologize for who you are - if you've given conscious thought, you don't need to apologize for what you think or do.

RESOURCES:

• Dr Allison, What to Do When Someone Doesn't Accept Your Apology, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oh3yGV9B50
• Elizabeth Scott, MS, Why It's Important to Apologize, https://www.verywellmind.com/the-importance-of-apologizing-3144986
• Leon Seltzer, MD, What Can Go Wrong When You Say You're Sorry, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/202002/apologizing-what-can-go-wrong-when-you-say-you-re-sorry
• John Hall, Stop Saying Sorry, https://www.cnbc.com/2019/04/16/saying-im-sorry-can-make-people-think-poorly-of-you-research-heres-what-successful-people-do-instead.html
• Gili Freedman, Erin M. Burgoon, Jason D. Ferrell, James W. Pennebaker, Jennifer S. Beer, When Saying Sorry May Not Help, https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01375/full
• Megan Olcholski, No Apology Living, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NchKTTN-Hg8

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In this first part of a two-part series, we talk all about saying sorry. This is even hard for adults, so it's a really vital conversation to have between you and your daughter.

1. It is a gift to the one we injured to us to the relationship

• • People who apologize are emotionally healthier
  • People who apologize believe change is possible
  • Takes courage
  • Creates empathy

2. Why saying sorry is hard.

• • Explore WHY

3. How to apologize effectively.

• • Acknowledge the Action
  • Acknowledge the impact
  • Acknowledge the intention

RESOURCES:

• Harriett Lerner, The Power of Apologizing, https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1150/the-power-of-apologizing
• Karina Schumann and Carol S. Dweck, Who Accepts Responsibilities for Their Transgressions?, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167214552789
• Dr. Allison, How to Apologize: A Simple Formula to Say I'm Sorry, https://drallisonanswers.com/relationships/how-to-apologize/
• Elizabeth Scott, MS, How to Apologize More Sincerely, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-apologize-more-sincerely-3144467
• Kids Health, Apologizing (For Teens), https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
• Dr. Robi Ludwig, Why Is It So Hard to Say I'm Sorry, https://www.today.com/health/why-it-so-hard-say-im-sorry-1C9403207

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• We both believe strongly in talking about sex a lot with our kids. We HOPE this keeps the doors open so they can talk with us about anything they come across. This episode will help you to know where to begin.

  1. Why you and your daughter should talk about sex a lot together.
     • If you don't talk with her about sex, she'll find her answers somewhere else.
     • Use books to help if needed
  2. At least start talking about the basics of consent.
     • Your daughter is not an object - does she know this?
     • Practice consent at home.
     • Prepare for different situations
  3. Define your values around sex with your daughter.
     • Do you believe in abstinence?
     • Have you defined abstinence with your daughter?
     • Do you know why you have the values you have? Does she?
     • Never use shame

  4. The importance of using correct anatomical words as well as the importance of knowing the slang words.

     • You shouldn't feel uncomfortable using correct anatomical words.
     • Be a source your daughter can use when she hears words at school.RESOURCES:

  5. Girls & Sex by Peggy Orenstein https://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Navigating-Complicated-Landscape/dp/B01AKR8GSU/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=girls+%26+sex&qid=1588476724&s=books&sr=1-2

  6. A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex by Padilla-Walker, Dean M. Busby, Chelom E. Leavitt, and Jason S. Carroll https://www.amazon.com/Better-Way-Teach-Kids-About/dp/1629723738/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588476745&sr=8-1
  7. 30 Days of Sex Talks by Educate Empower Kids https://www.amazon.com/Days-Sex-Talks-Ages-Empowering/dp/1733604642/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588476771&sr=8-2
  8. Talk With Your Kids: Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21 https://www.talkwithyourkids.org/lets-talk-about/healthy-sex-talk-teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21.html
  9. Net Nanny: The Detrimental Effects of Pornography on Small Children https://www.netnanny.com/blog/the-detrimental-effects-of-pornography-on-small-children
  10. @kirstinbhodson (Instagram)
  11. @vaginapopupbook (Instagram)
  12. Huffington Post: Parenting in the Digital Age of Pornography https://www.huffpost.com/entry/parenting-in-the-digital-age-of-pornography_b_9301802

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We focus in this episode on ways you can help your teen daughter develop confidence. 1. What confidence is and how it can change EVERYTHING. * Confidence is the belief that you’ll be successful or make the right choice in a particular situation. Act courageously! * Confidence is nuanced – we can have confidence in some areas but not in others. * Confident people are not necessarily loud, athletic, or popular – quiet, average people can be very confident. * Confidence affects everything – confident teens are more likely to be assertive, positive, and persistent. 2. Confidence is like a muscle – it can grow. * We can improve confidence with practice * 3 Tips on developing confidence: pictures success, growth mindset, and practice failure. 3. How parents can help. * Create strategy * Make friends with fear * Try to new things * Keep trying after failure * Be good example * Fake it ’til you make it * Be able to disagree * Have lots of conversations

RESOURCES:

• How to Build Confidence in Teenagers, https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/social-emotional-development/confidence-in-teens
• Adolescence and Self-Confidence, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201306/adolescence-and-self-confidence
• Roosevelt, Eleanor. This Is My Story. Dolphin Books, 1961.
• Roosevelt, Eleanor. You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life. HarperCollins Publishers, 2016. https://www.amazon.com/You-Learn-Living-Eleven-Fulfilling/dp/0062061577/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=eleanor+roosevelt+you+learn+by+living&qid=1593560775&sr=8-2
• Amy Adkins, 3 Tips to Boost Your Confidence, Ted Talk Ed, https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_adkins_3_tips_to_boost_your_confidence/transcript?language=en#t-241833
• The Confidence Podcast, Blackwell, Trish, host.
• Confidence in Teenagers, https://www.healthyfamiliesbc.ca/home/articles/confidence-teens#:~:text=Having%20confidence%20helps%20teenagers%20make,%2C%20engaged%2C%20enthusiastic%20and%20persistent.
• Amy Cuddy, Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are, Ted Talk, , https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are?language=e

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We interviewed dietician, Emily Fonnesbeck, for this episode. We discussed with Emily all about the eating disorder orthorexia – what it is, how to prevent it, and what to do if you’re worried about your daughter:

1. What orthorexia is.

2. • Orthorexia is not an official diagnosis, but is a new term to describe the growing obsession with perfect eating
   • Defining orthorexia can help validate that the struggles someone is having are real and pathological, not normal
   • Emily gives tips on how to talk about what this is with your teenage daughter.

3. How to prevent orthorexia.

   • Recognize that eating disorders are bio-psycho-social
   • We don't have control over the biological aspect that can make our daughters more vulnerable to getting an eating disorder
   • We can't prevent the psychological vulnerabilities - but we can help our daughters manage their psychological tendencies (such as perfectionism)
   • We can help our daughters with the social pressures toward eating disorders by giving them a safe place where food and bodies are good and accepted

4. What to do if you suspect your daughter might be struggling.

   • Don’t hesitate to get professional help – do not try to replace a dietician and/or therapist
   • Validate and reframe her struggles
   • Pay attention to how mentally flexible and receptive she is

RESOURCES:

• Emily Fonnesbeck Website: www.emilyfonnesbeck.com
• Eat Confident Collective Website: https://eatconfident.co/
• Emily Fonnesbeck Instagram: @emilyfonnesbeck_rd
• Eat Confident Collective Instagram: @eatconfident.co
• Steven Bratman, www.orthorexia.com, “Health Food Junkies: Orthorexia Nervosa – the Health Food Eating Disorder” https://www.amazon.com/Health-Food-Junkies-Orthorexia-Disorder/dp/0767905857/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=orthorexia&qid=1592859585&sr=8-3

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This episode focuses on understanding loneliness in the teenage years. The talking points include:

1. Loneliness is common - especially in your teens.
   • Young people suffer from loneliness more than any other age group.
   • Loneliness can occur even when we’re surrounded by people. It’s a feeling of being disconnected - not seen, not heard, not understood.
2. Understanding negative impacts of loneliness.
   • Depression
   • Higher risks for substance abuse or risky behavior
   • Physical problems can even happen because of loneliness.
3. Understanding the benefits of loneliness.
   • Creates empathy
   • A chance to get to know yourself and connect with YOU
   • An opportunity to try new groups and people and adventures
4. Things to do when you feel lonely.
   • Name it to tame it
   • Focus on connection rather than numbers of people
   • Get creative
   • Take care of yourself (sleep and exercise)
   • And more...

RESOURCES:

• Kids Helpline: Coping with Loneliness https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/coping-with-loneliness
• Baya Voce: The Simple Cure For Loneliness (Ted Talk) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSXh1YfNyVA
• Brene Brown, Daring Greatly https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/B07DX6TNR1/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1588458274&sr=8-1
• Brene Brown, Rising Strong https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strong-Reckoning-Rumble-Revolution/dp/0812995821/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1588458348&sr=1-1
• Why Are Teens So Lonely And What Can They Do To Combat Loneliness https://www.mghclaycenter.org/parenting-concerns/teenagers/why-are-teens-so-lonely-and-what-can-they-do-to-combat-loneliness/
• Newport Academy: How to Recognize Loneliness in Teenagers https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/loneliness-in-teenagers/

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This conversation is all about anxiety and how you can best talk about it with your teen girl. The three talking points include:

1. Anxiety is normal.
   • Feeling anxious is a normal emotion
   • Sometimes you need professional help
   • There are purposes and benefits to anxiety
2. Anxiety is not permanent
   • Emotions are like waves, not fires.
   • Learning to recognize it, accept it, and go through it
3. Ways to manage anxiety
   • Many ideas on how parents can help teens manage anxiety

RESOURCES:

• Adolescent Girls and Anxiety https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/adolescent-girls-and-anxiety
• Anxiety and Depression in Adolescence https://childmind.org/report/2017-childrens-mental-health-report/anxiety-depression-adolescence/
• 5 Ways to Deal With Anxiety (For Teens) https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/anxiety-tips.html
• Anxiety in Teens: What It Is & How To Help https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/mental-health-physical-health/stress-anxiety-depression/anxiety
• Anxiety and Teen Girls https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/anxiety-teen-girls
• Overcoming Anxiety, Jonas Kolker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1anXJhVamc

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This episode focuses on learning how to talk to your white teen about racism. The talking points include:

1. We need to talk about racism and white privilege

2. • Racism is bigger than conscious hate
   • Talking about race with our teen girls gives them the ability to filter their world
   • All whites have white privilege

3. Tips for keeping the conversation open

   • Avoid either/or and good/bad talking when discussing racism
   • Be an example and talk about race in culture and media
   • Encourage activism

4. Resource ideas for educating yourselves

   • Talk with your daughter about ways you are going to educate yourselves
   • List of resources that we're starting with
   • Don't stop here!

RESOURCES:

• Will Smith: Racism is Not Getting Worse, It's Getting Filmed https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/will-smith-colbert-race-relations-obama-politics-sings-summertime-916816
• How To Talk To Your Children About Protests and Racism https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/01/health/protests-racism-talk-to-children-wellness/index.html
• Scott Woods Articles https://scottwoodsmakeslists.wordpress.com
• Scott Woods' Definition of Racism https://scottwoodsmakeslists.wordpress.com/2014/01/03/5-things-no-one-is-actually-saying-about-ani-difranco-or-plantations/
• Dr. Robin Silverman (Interviewing Dr. Margaret Hagerman), How to Talk To Kids About Anything Podcast, Talking to White Kids About Race & Racism, https://safespaceradio.com/talking-to-white-kids-about-race-racism/
• How to Be an Antiracist, Ibram X. Kendi, https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Antiracist-Ibram-Kendi/dp/0525509283/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1591157704&sr=8-1
• White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism , Robin DiAngelo, https://www.amazon.com/White-Fragility-People-About-Racism/dp/0807047414/ref=sr_1_1?crid=99W8UKXLT0R1&dchild=1&keywords=white+fragility&qid=1591157823&sprefix=white+frag%2Caps%2C185&sr=8-1
• 37 children's Book About Racism, https://coloursofus.com/37-childrens-books-to-help-talk-about-racism-discrimination/
• Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson, https://www.amazon.com/Just-Mercy-Story-Justice-Redemption/dp/081298496X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=just+mercy&qid=1591157895&sr=8-1
• Instagram Accounts:
• • • • @Therapyforblackgirls * @Ethelsclub * @Equalitylabs * @Colorofchange * @Blacknationapp * @blklivesmatter * @eji_org

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The conversation in this episode is about body image. It’s a huge topic, so we decided to start by focusing on what our bodies can do more than what they look like. The three talking points include:

1. What is body checking and why it’s harmful
   • Body checking is monitoring yourself from an outsider's perspective even if no one else is looking
   • Body checking hurts us because we aren’t fully present in anything that we’re doing.
2. How to reduce body checking.
   • Focusing on experiencing life in our bodies rather that how our bodies look while we’re doing things
   • Ideas on how to reduce body checking
3. Why the types of compliments we give matter
   • Compliments on bodies bring attention to our bodies
   • Ideas for non-appearance based compliments

RESOURCES:

• Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women by Renee Engeln https://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Sick-Cultural-Obsession-Appearance/dp/B06XBPP6GW/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=beauty+sick&qid=1587772913&sr=8-1
• An Epidemic of Beauty Sickness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63XsokRPV_Y
• Body Positivity or Body Obsession? Learning to See More & Be More https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDowwh0EU4w

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The conversation in this episode covers how a teen brain and an adult brain differ and what the pros and cons are of each way of thinking. The three talking points include:

1. The main differences between teen and adult brains.
   • Teens use their amygdala and adults use their prefrontal cortex (emotional vs. rational)
   • The brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s
   • Teens are more prone to risk taking (Look for a reward of trying something dangerous without the ability to register risks)

2. A teenage brain is primed to learn.

   • Their brain is capable of adaptation and learning - it acts like a sponge.
   • Addiction risks are strong because the brain soaks it up

3. Because teens feel things more deeply, they are more vulnerable to stress.

   • Understanding why they are feeling stress so deeply can help ease the worry
   • Tool #1: Mindfulness
   • Tool #2: Sleep

RESOURCES:

• The Teen Brain: 7 Things to Know https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know/index.shtml
• Teenage Brain Development https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens
• Health Effects of Teen Substance Abuse https://www.addictioncenter.com/teenage-drug-abuse/health-effects-teen-substance-abuse/

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This bonus episode includes 6 tips for having effective conversations with your daughter. The whole goal of this podcast is to have conversations, but if those conversations aren't effective, than we won't be reaching our daughters like we want to.

The 6 tips we discuss are:

1. Listen more than you talk
2. Don't react strongly when they share things with you
3. Be okay with who your teen is right now
4. Don't try to fix their problems
5. Do something while you talk
6. Don't talk when either of you are emotional

Resources: - Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201404/9-tips-communicating-your-teenage-son - Parent and Teen, Keep Teens Talking https://parentandteen.com/keep-teens-talking-learn-to-listen/

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Penny and Steph discuss their reasons for starting The Messy Bun Podcast and announce the release date for Episode 1.