All About We: Recent Episodes
All About We
Isaiah 9:6 NIV“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Many who follow me know I’m a spiritual guy. Christmas has deeper meaning. For Christians like myself, Christmas...
2018 has been a mixed bag in my marriage. We had some pretty cool things happen. Like our trip to Switzerland with my youngest son Jordan. But then we also experienced some pain. Two weeks before the trip my mom died. Additionally, my wife Marian was dealing with chronic stress at work. Meanwhile I have...
“We’re not in a good place and haven’t been for some time. My partner doesn’t want the relationship to end and is willing to work harder at it. Will it be enough for me to stay?” Relationships suffer from a prolonged lack of attention. Despair morphs into disillusion. Walls of self-protection are constructed slowly and methodically...
If you are a regular subscriber to my blog, by now you learned my mother died peacefully in her sleep a week ago. I could not have scripted a better ending to a remarkable life. My father died 24 years ago, so now I’m parentless. It feels empty. I miss my mom terribly. Fortunately, I...
All couples encounter major problems from time-to-time. You are not going to get along 24/7. Problems don’t disappear once you adjust. Expect occasional conflicts throughout married life. This is normal. Problems may be minor or major depending on the circumstances. Most couples can manage to get through minor problems. All of us need help navigating...
I see the pain of love everyday. Love hurts. I’m experiencing it right now as the failing health of my mom is a stark reminder that I will not have her with me forever. How can something that feels so powerfully good, feel so awful at times? In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he lists...
When it comes to expectations about married life this is a question in the minds of most partners. “What do you expect from me?” Have you asked this of each other? And—have you taken time to unpack your expectations about spending life together? You might be surprised at how many couples don’t take sufficient time...
When it comes to couple communication, here’s a request I get a lot. “Help us learn how to communicate right!” Sadly, many of the couples asking the question have been married for several years!By then they developed some awful patterns of communicating. In this lesson, I will address these common mistakes so you can avoid...
What is the one thing that sets connected couples apart from others? It’s not just what they do per se. We’ve covered that in previous blogs. Things like: good communication mutual support respect date nights teamwork There is something unique about connected couples. It’s how they are toward each other. The one thing that sets...
Most guys don’t know how to respond when their woman becomes emotional. It reminds me of a classic scene from the movie, “A League of Their Own”. “There’s no crying in baseball!” In the movie, Tom Hanks plays a drunken, worn out manager of an all women baseball league. He does the typical angry manager...
A 16 year old client plops on my couch, noticeably angry. He informs me that his parents tried to do an “intervention” on him after a discovery of weed in his bedroom. He concluded the episode by saying, “The intervention was a waste of my time.” Then he looks me straight in the eye and...
About 3 years ago an unmasking happened that rocked marriages. Someone hacked into Ashley Madison’s 37 million subscriber database exposing the identities of individuals seeking an affair. AM’s motto: “Life is short. Have an affair.” Karma struck. The business had a short shelf life. Beyond the breach, AM allegedly used fembots to interact with many...
One of the issues Marian and I deal with from time-to-time is our big buts. No matter what we do to disguise them, our big buts have caused some problems. I mean, there have been times my big but has squashed my wife! Not good. She’s done the same thing to me too! It’s gets...
Are you a power couple? Do you even know what that question means? Hollywood carefully crafted it’s definition featuring their poster couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, until they broke up. Currently, Tom Brady (football) and Gisele Bünchen (fashion) rank high among power couples. If you want to toss politics in the mix, a power couple whose...
Are you worried about your kids’ obsession with their smart phone? Do you know what social media platforms they spend time on? Are you noticing any mood, emotional, or behavior signs that indicate they seem unhappy? A few days ago I read an oped in USA Today from a doctor who wrote about a disturbing...
Do you want to get at the heart of the problem why couples struggle? Let’s figure it out and see if we can find a way to help couples soar. Ask the average couple the question, “Why does your marriage struggle?” You might hear… “We don’t know how to communicate” “It seems we fight all...
Heidi lays alone in her bed completely exhausted. Her pillow drenched in tears. Curled up in a fetal position, she whispers, “I’m tired of being taken advantage of by people I care for.” The consummate giver, Heidi goes the extra mile in her marriage, with her kids, and for her boss. What does she get...
When I was a kid, I remember exchanging cards with classmates on Valentines Day. Everyone was your valentine! Later, when I fell in love and got married, I felt pressure like other guys to use this occasion express my heartfelt love and devotion. I remember the painstaking process choosing the perfect Hallmark card. Then there...
Sometimes life can feel robotic. We get up every morning following the same script from the day before. Pressures of maintaining a household compounded by work demands seem to fill every waking hour. Days, weeks, months, and years are logged as events in the calendar, not experiences shared in the story of my amazing life....
I’ve battled insecurity in one form or another my entire life. Feelings of fear, inadequacy, self-doubt, shame, and rejection are giants I engage in battle from time to time. These insecurities developed in my formative years and stood in my way on many occasion, taunting me like a playground bully. Deep down inside I believed...
I’ll begin with a disclaimer. The #1 thing I address is not heavily researched. However, in my view it is the underlying element to the problems couples identify in surveys. Problems like… Communication Finances Sex Parenting Can you guess what it is? Clues are imbedded in the title. Observe the couple. Can you solve the...
Normally on the All About We Podcast, my cohost Amanda Berlin interviews me on the content of my latest blog. This week we did a role reversal and I interviewed Amanda about her career journey. Read what she has to say about this topic and listen to the interview by hitting the play button above....
The holidays are kicking in high gear. Are you ready for it? Do you have your “happy face” on? Yeah right. For some the holidays are more harried than happy. While others complain that the holidays are simply horrible. Yet when the day arrives we say, “Happy Hanukah”, “Happy Holidays”, or “Merry Christmas”. Why is...
You can find yourself in unnecessary conflict after you get married. For example, have you ever been in trouble with your spouse and not sure what you did wrong? Confused right? This happens a lot, especially to guys. “How can you expect me to know what you want when you don’t tell me in the...
I hated this when my parents did it. My kids hated it when we did it too. When I talk with kids in my office, this is the one thing they dislike the most about their parents. Constant fighting. Conflict is normal Conflict is normal. How it is expressed, resolved, and managed determines the level...
The look in this coworker’s eyes really disturbs me. It reflects the fear many individuals described in MeToo tweets in recent months. No one should ever be subjected to the sexual advances from a person of power in the workplace. #metoo is empowering individuals to come forward and report sexual harassment and abuse in the...
Sometimes gratitude is hard to find. Consider what’s happened in America and along our southern border in 2017: Hurricane Maria in the Dominican Republic Hurricane Irma in Florida Hurricane Harvey in Texas Earthquake in Mexico Fires in Sonoma, CA Shooting attack on lawmakers playing baseball in Washington DC Vehicle attack in Charlottesville, VA Shooting attack...
My top 3 parenting tips are likely to surprise you. You won’t find them listed in best-selling books on the subject. In fact, you might argue that they have nothing to do about parenting at all! Be that as it may, I routinely find myself sharing these tips with parents I coach. I’m going old...
“What do I do when my parent is making my life a living hell?” I get asked this question a lot. You’re doing your best to be a dutiful son or daughter, but never seems good enough for your parent. Instead you hear complaints, criticisms, or negative comments that get under your skin. Do you...
I asked my friend and mentor, Steve Warner to be a guest writer on my blog. He published a book called Mile 2: 31 Extra mile secrets for an extraordinary life. You can also listen to our interview with him in the All About We Podcast above. Steve shares insights on how to go the...
Now it’s Your Turn What are you doing to maintain a level of trust in your relationship? If you broke it, what are you willing to do next to rebuild it?
“Can we have a talk? I want to share something with you that may make you angry and I am asking that you listen and try not to overreact.” Marian’s tone was respectful and disarming. I agreed and listened. She was right. I was angry. But, I kept it under control and tried to understand...
How to help your kid survive a bullying culture Let’s take a look at some things you can do to prepare your kid to thrive in school and handle situations when confronted by bullying behavior. Create a safe and respectful culture at home Does your home contain a bully toxin? Do you tolerate bully behavior?...
Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teen is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others. Cyber-culture youth are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Media devices are often used to connect with...
One night last week before I was about to go to bed, the 2016 comedy Bad Moms was on TV. Five minutes into the movie I was hooked. It addresses pressure many mothers feel being “all things to all people”. The central character Amy, a wife, mother of two, and career person, lives in a Chicago...
Addiction is a disease that breaks hearts. It has a profound adverse effect on everyone. Spouses, children, extended family, and friends, suffer heartbreak. Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. Feeling utterly powerless while watching someone you care about self-destruct is painful. Addiction is one of the most difficult relationship patterns to treat in couples or...
If you want to get good at setting boundaries you’ve come to the right place. In my previous blog I highlighted 4 benefits you can expect by setting boundaries. Here I’m going to give you 4 simple steps to do it. Let’s check out the first one. #1: Listen to your gut This is slightly...
My dad died 23 years ago. I still miss him. Even as I typed that sentence, I got choked up. So much of my adult life I didn’t get to share with him. I feel robbed. But then again, I also feel blessed to have him in my life. In honor of Father’s Day I...
Couples in broken marriages want out, but what often keeps them in is fear over how divorce may impact their kids. “Our marriage is broken but do we want to break up the family?” So they work hard to repair the marriage. In some cases too much damage is done and it cannot be fixed. Divorce is...
How to help your kids cope with tragedy or loss #1: Restore a sense of safety When loss or tragedy occurs, a child/teen’s sense of security is shaken. They have questions. What will happen to me/us now? Will more bad things happen? Will someone else die? At times like this kids need to feel safe....
It’s a standoff between parents and their two kids. Kevin and Heidi have finally come together to bring respect back into their marriage. Now it’s time to get Brandon and Stacy on board. However, the kids remain defiant, in mocked attire. The picture above is taken from chapter 5 in my book that discusses how to...
How to bring respect back to your relationship Bringing respect back is easier said than done–BUT done nonetheless it must be. So where do “we” begin? #1: We begins with me. If you wait until your spouse/partner shows you respect before you reciprocate it may never happen. Two people waiting on the other are two people...
Here are 5 things you should never have to give up for your spouse. Never give up your boundaries in marriage Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves or with others to feel safe and be healthy. Here are two examples: Personal limit: food and alcohol intake to maintain good health. Interpersonal limit: holding to your...
Clearing the eggshells Eggshells do not promote a healthy environment for family living. Ignoring them is not a good strategy. You cannot afford to keep making excuses and denying the severity of the situation. Yet, why is so hard to clear the eggshells? What keeps you walking on them? The unhealthy attachment – you keep...
2: Agree to not spend more than you earn during an average pay period Develop the skill of saying “no” to yourself if it falls out of the parameters of what you agreed together to spend. #3: If necessary, meet with a financial planner to establish a budget If you cannot figure it out together...
1: Identify What Makes Letting Go Hard When I observe a client struggling to let go of something I ask a question. “What makes letting go difficult for you right now?” The answers vary based on the event, but here are some common reasons: Fear of what happens after letting go Feeling responsible Fear of having to...
A sex deprived marriage is symptomatic of a bigger problem. Couples are becoming more disconnected from each other on an intimate level. Many are exchanging romantic partnership for roommates. Here are some familiar patterns I observe among couples today. An increasing number of couples are not sleeping together. Nearly 1 out of 4 married couples sleep...
Here’s 1 thing to do with the 1 thing Now that you’ve taken some time to reflect, here’s 1 thing you can do with the 1 thing. Tell the people in your life that you love them. It’s that simple. Don’t let spring break go by without telling your spouse, kid(s), or a close friend...
In the course of the week my wife is going to look me in the eye and with a sexy voice say, “You naughty boy”. It’s not because I’ve done something wrong. Au contraire, I succeeded in a flirtatious way to get her attention! It’s one of several naughty habits we know fuels a hot marriage....
I’m writing this blog in the Phoenix airport. In about an hour I will be leaving 90 degree temps in route to Chicago where I’ll be greeted by snow and cold. That’s not why I am unhappy right now. I just left my son Jordan after a week-long father/son journey. My daughter Candace joined us for part...
How to give your marriage front burner time Couples are quick to admit they want to spend more time together. I hear this daily in my office. Moving into that space is difficult. When I ask, “How do you want to do this?” I get a “deer in the headlights” reaction. Couples are afraid to act. Fear of...
Yesterday morning while laying in bed my wife Marian brought me a cup of coffee. Nothing unusual. It’s part of our morning routine. Until I looked in the cup and noticed she made a mistake. “Sweetheart, you gave me your cup of coffee.” (I drink my coffee black.) “Oh no Big Boy.” she replied with a cute...
Everything seems to be going well between you. You’re having a good day. Suddenly you say or do something rather benign and your spouse explodes or overreacts emotionally. You’re wondering, “What just happened?” Guess what? You accidentally tripped your spouse’s emotional trigger. What are emotional triggers? Here are a few things you should know about emotional...
“Everyone here has the sense that right now is one of those moments when we are influencing the future.” Steve Jobs Ten years ago Steve Jobs set things in motion when he introduced the iPhone. His goal was to create a device that formed a bond with the user. In his own words, “I want to make a phone...
You’re just trying to get dinner on the table so the kids can eat, finish homework, take baths, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. But the kids aren’t cooperating and your spouse is stuck on the phone dealing with a client problem. Things are heating up–and I’m not referring to what’s on the...
We were vacationing in Washington, D.C. I didn’t have the energy to walk for than a hundred yards before I had to sit down. Later that evening in a cold sweat, I was taken to Georgetown University Hospital. The next morning the doctor and I had a long conversation about my busy life. He said, “Don,...
It doesn’t feel right. “We are not connected.” You convince yourself it will get better. “We’re just busy. A lot going on. Everyone else seems to have their struggles too. Maybe I just need to adapt to the way things are now. Note to self – Don’t be so uptight!” Sound familiar? Frog in the Kettle Syndrome...
For a guy who spends the better part of his day focusing on clients, listening with intent to every word they say, and giving them some feedback that ensures they are being heard, I have a bad habit at home. You guessed it. Sometimes when I’m focusing on something I don’t hear a word my wife...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 12 of the Holiday Relationship...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 11 of the Holiday Relationship...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 10 of the Holiday Relationship...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 9 of the Holiday...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 8 of...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day 7 of...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day...
The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays. In Day...
Most of my childhood memories of Christmas are pleasant. I was fortunate to belong to a close family. But one holiday my parents got into a huge argument. It shook me up. I cannot recall what it was about, but I imagine it had to do with being stressed out. Hey, raising 5 kids is...
If there’s one thing that can spoil Thanksgiving Day, it’s a bad turkey. Come to think of it, there are a few more things that can spoil TD that have nothing to do with food. Let me explain. Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday where families across America enjoy a traditional meal together, giving thanks...
Have you ever felt like your spouse doesn’t get it? You try expressing your concerns that the marriage is struggling but it falls on deaf ears. Or maybe you get a paltry answer like, “things are fine” or “you worry too much”. So you lay awake worrying while your mate sleeps in oblivion. In some marriages, one is asleep to the...
Last week I wrote about entitlement, the viral attack on kids today. I traced the origins of this virus and the negative effect it has on the family, especially kids. You can check it out here. I vowed not to leave you hanging and promised this week to prescribe an antidote to entitlement. The Antidote is...
As a mindful parent you do everything within your power to establish a healthy environment where your kids can thrive. No way will you allow anything infectious to creep into your home. You scour the internet seeking solutions to anything kid related. When it comes to your kids, you are on the ball! No doubt, parents...
Most couples come to see me for help in communication. When asked to describe the problem, I often hear… “When we fell in love opening up was effortless. We could talk for hours! Now when I want to have an important conversation I feel a lump in my throat. My words are jumbled. I start...
The second presidential debate shed light on the issue of how women are treated sexually by men. When it comes to their questionable sexual behavior, some male politicians become sex educators. They teach lessons on “locker room talk” or variations on what the meaning of the word “is” is. Concern over the abuse of power by men toward women,...
Sometimes guys get a bad rap from their female counterparts when it comes to communication. We can come across as being disinterested, insensitive, or clueless! Why is it that a guy can be so open with a girl when they first start dating and so closed after they marry? Confusing huh? (I’ll get to that...
Your first marriage didn’t work. As you enter a second marriage, you pray it turns out better. Not just for your sake, but for the benefit of your kids as well. Blended families are more challenging to unite than biological ones. Trust me, I know by experience! Like me, you began with a vision of your blended family...
Raising kids to become responsible adults is every parent’s dream. We hold our breath raising kids, dreading the nightmare of adult kids screwing up and expecting us to bail them out. In the empty nest stage, you can finally exhale knowing your kids have flown the coup and are navigating their flight into adulthood. I know the feeling...
Did you go into marriage vowing to resent each other as long as you both shall live? I didn’t think so. Like most couples, you vowed to love, honor, and respect each other. You started on a path of mutual love and respect then at some point you lost your way. The Big 3: work,...
Marian and I were on our way home from a family event. We had a great time and were really excited because the next morning we were leaving for vacation. For some strange reason we got into a heated argument over something stupid. Because we were both exhausted we hit the pause button and went...
You are in a good rhythm. Family is going well. Bills are being paid–on time. Life is not perfect but your content. The week ends and you’re looking forward to wind down together for family night with pizza and Netflix. Your spouse pulls into the driveway, enters the house with a distraught look on his...
Okay, take a deep breath. You can do this. This year does not have to be a repeat of last. You can break the power struggle with your kids over school. You’re not alone, many parents dread the start of the school year. Getting kids back in the mindset of school is not an easy...
Get the picture? It’s not easy for parents or their kids who suffer with mental illness. If you follow my writing you know I refer to mental illness disorders as “intruders”. Conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADD, intrude in a person’s life, not to mention the family too. It’s not easy on anyone! Parents who...
Many years ago my personal life was in shambles. At the time I was going through divorce. I faced many challenges: concerns about my kids, establishing new housing, paying bills, and several other difficult adjustments. If this set of problems wasn’t enough, I had to deal with a myriad of emotions that surfaced throughout this phase. I had...
A week ago, I spent a week traveling the east coast with my daughter and 5 grandkids. We visited my son-in-law Joshua at his army base. We had a wonderful trip! I had the opportunity to observe a military couple operate as partners in parenting. I was very impressed to see how they function on the...
In recent years, we’ve witnessed our fair share of natural disasters. Perhaps you experienced one firsthand. Watching the news I try to imagine what it is like for people who see their homes leveled by a tornado, earthquake, or some other calamity. It’s painful to watch the tears streaming down their face as they sift...
A few years ago Marian and I decided to remodel our kitchen. We chose to do a complete demolition down to the studs and rebuild with upgraded materials, appliances, and furnishings. To chronicle the project we took “before and after” pictures. Comparing the photos highlighted the dramatic transformation. Needless to say it was well worth the...
Here is a common story I hear from women in an empty relationship. “I tried so hard to make this relationship work. It often felt like I was doing the work of two. I guess it was okay at first because I figured he’d come around. But when he didn’t I started feeling concerned. Every time...
If you come from a Judeo-Christian background or watch the anime series on Netflix, you’ve heard the term “seven deadly sins”. The concept originated in the 3rd century by a religious monk, Evagrius Ponticus. It is featured in literary works including the Canterbury Tales and Dante’s Inferno. The seven deadly sins are: pride, greed, lust,...
Many years ago when I was going through divorce, followed by a career change, I had no idea how things were going to work out. The unknown was intimidating to say the least. I was afraid that I might make a wrong decision that would threaten not only my future, but my kids as well....
Last weekend my son Justin married his beautiful bride Brandy. It was an extraordinary event. What made it truly special was having the honor of officiating their exchange of vows. That’s right. My son and daughter-in-law asked me to perform the wedding ceremony. If extending me the privilege of marrying them was enough, Justin expressed this sentiment, “Everything...
Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. I’ve experienced and observed a lot of insanity in family relationships. Some of the ways we communicate don’t change anything. It goes in one ear and out the other. Yet we say the same things the same way over...
I remember watching a comedy show years ago when the main character dreamt that spores contaminated the water supply and impregnated men. It was hilarious watching guys struggle through pregnancy and deliver their dream baby: sail boat, sports car, and 4ft hero sandwich. It reminded me of how men don’t fully understand what women encounter...
The other day, an article caught my attention in the Guardian, a United Kingdom publication. It is entitled, Want to Save Your Marriage? Don’t have kids. Please don’t read it until you finish my blog. Trust me, it will help! Honestly, there was nothing new in the article I did not know. Several years ago...