Fresh Perspective: Recent Episodes
Francois Esterhuizen
You do not procrastinate on everything. You procrastinate selectively, and the more something matters, the harder it gets to start. In this second episode of the Getting Unstuck series: what you are actually managing when you procrastinate (it is not time), why caring turns a task into a test, the trade behind every snooze, and four steps to catch it happening. Free Pattern Breaker workbook: https://resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/procrastination-pattern-breaker/ Watch the video version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5ihPiQ_QOI
Have you ever known exactly what you should do, and still not done it?
That is not laziness. It is a loop: discomfort, avoidance, relief, cost. In this first episode of the Getting Unstuck series I walk through the loop, the five fuels that drive it, how to map one of your own in five honest sentences, and the small interruption that starts rebuilding self-trust.
The free Unstuck Loop Map: resources.francoisesterhuizen.com/unstuck-loop-map
Watch this episode on YouTube: You Are Not Lazy. You Are in a Loop.
All resources: resources.francoisesterhuizen.com
n this episode, I explore why shutting down and blowing up are often not opposites, but two different ways of avoiding the deeper emotion underneath. Using the image of a firebreak, I unpack how emotional maturity is not about suppressing what I feel or unleashing it on everyone around me, but learning to stay with what I feel without becoming overwhelmed by it.
I talk about numbing, anger, emotional flooding, old childhood patterns, nervous system responses, repair in relationships, and the hope that healing is still possible at any age. The goal is not to become less emotional, but to become less afraid of emotion, so I can respond with more honesty, connection, and choice.
To contact me go to francoisesterhuizen.com
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we explore a powerful shift in how we handle life’s challenges: are you reacting like a thermometer, or responding like a thermostat? When the world heats up or cools down, do you let it decide your mood and actions, or do you set your own tone from within?
Through simple language and real-life examples, Francois breaks down the four things you can always control – your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions – and shows you how to practise this shift gently in everyday moments. This is a grounded, reflective episode designed to help you slow down, recalibrate, and lead your life from the inside out.
If you’re ready to stop being pulled around by your environment and start choosing your mindset with intention, this one is for you.
getclarity.co.za
To work with me personally please visit getclarity.co.za
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, Francois explores one of the most common and quietest struggles many of us face: being relentlessly hard on ourselves. Beneath the surface of high standards and self-discipline often lies fear, fear of failure, rejection, or not being enough. Francois unpacks how the inner judge masquerades as responsibility but is really emotional avoidance in disguise.
Drawing from his coaching work and psychology research, he guides listeners through understanding the difference between the Judge and the Coach within, one condemns, the other instructs. You will learn how to shift from self-punishment to self-leadership, how to identify the beliefs that keep your worth conditional, and how to respond to mistakes with clarity rather than cruelty.
Through the story of kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, this episode offers a reminder that our cracks do not disqualify us; they reveal where the light gets in.
If you have ever felt trapped by your own high expectations or inner criticism, this conversation will help you lay down the whip and pick up the tools of awareness, compassion, and self-trust.
For more resources.
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we take a closer look at one of the most subtle traps of modern life — the feeling of progress that comes from staying busy.
Francois explores how our endless checklists, colour-coded calendars, and constant activity can quietly become a form of productive avoidance. We tick every box, respond to every email, keep the engine running — yet deep down, we sense we’re circling the same place.
Through simple language and thoughtful reflection, this episode unpacks:
- Why we confuse movement with progress.
- How busyness keeps us safe from facing deeper fears.
- The emotional comfort we get from doing what we already know.
- How to recognise when your checklist has become a hiding place.
- A simple daily question to help you shift from “busy” to “brave.”
You’ll hear why the checklist isn’t the enemy — it’s the mirror. And how, when we see it clearly, it can reveal what truly matters most.
If you’ve ever ended a full day wondering why all your effort still feels empty, this episode will help you pause, breathe, and find direction beyond the boxes.
Because real growth doesn’t happen when the list is finished — it happens when you start what’s not on it.
To work with me: Book a Private Consultation
or take a Complimentary assessment.
This episode explains that the uncomfortable emotions we avoid are doorways to the breakthroughs we want. It distinguishes three ways we engage with feelings — intellectualizing, intuiting, and instinctual sensations — and shows how overthinking keeps us stuck.
Practical advice: pause when you notice anxiety or tension, allow the feeling to intensify and fully feel it until it passes. Doing so lifts the heaviness, restores presence, and helps you function and connect more fully in life.
If you like this kind of content take my complimentary assessment to find ways to unlock more of your potential.
For a Complimentary Life Coaching Assessment click here.
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we explore the profound concept of freedom and its intrinsic connection to the present moment. Through insights from Viktor Frankl and Krishnamurti, we discover how freedom is not something to be achieved in the future, but an inner liberation available in the now. By facing the present moment and not being trapped in thoughts of the past or anxieties about the future, we can experience true freedom. Embrace the power of now to break free from invisible constraints and live a life filled with love, joy, and conscious choices.
getclarity.co.za
Visit getclarity.co.za for more resources.
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we continue exploring our most important relationship, our relationship with time. After looking at love in the last episode, today’s focus is on joy. But not the shallow joy of distractions or quick fixes. The deep, soul-filling joy that can only be experienced in the present moment.
We explore the paradox that the path to joy is often unfamiliar and uncomfortable. By avoiding difficult emotions like sorrow, anger, or fear, we unknowingly avoid joy as well. Drawing on the words of Brené Brown, Kahlil Gibran, and the wisdom of scripture, this episode unpacks how grief, struggle, and emotional honesty carve out the space within us to hold more joy.
With personal reflections and gentle guidance, this conversation invites you to stop numbing and start feeling. Because when we embrace the whole emotional landscape of time, even the hard parts, we expand our capacity to encounter joy in its fullest, most transformative form.
Join me for The Unfamiliar and Uncomfortable Path Towards Deep Joy and discover how embracing sorrow and struggle can open you to the deep joy you were made for.
If you ever need my help, simply go to getclarity.co.za
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we delve deeper into the idea that our relationship with time is our most important relationship.
We explore how being present in the moment allows us to experience powerful human states like love, joy, and freedom. The episode discusses how fear of intimacy with the present moment often leads us to dwell on the past or worry about the future, which prevents us from fully engaging with life. The importance of cherishing the present moment, regardless of whether it is painful or pleasant, is emphasized as a way to truly connect with reality and ourselves. Join us next week as we take a closer look at the states of joy and freedom.
Much love
Francois
To unlock more of your potential go to: getclarity.co.za
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we explore the concept of the most important relationship in your life and discuss why it might not be what you initially think. Join us as we embark on a journey to understand the significance of your relationship with time. This topic is part of an ongoing process of writing a new book, delving deeper into how our interaction with time affects all other aspects of our lives—from marriage and parenting to personal growth and spirituality. We discuss the three ways we can 'dance' with time: spending, wasting, and investing it, and how recognizing and valuing time can transform your overall quality of life. Learn how to move in harmony with time to bring more clarity, meaning, and balance to your daily routines. Remember, if you change your mind, you can transform your life. Join me next time for more fresh perspectives. Bye!
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, we delve into the profound impact of the inner voice on shaping identity. Your inner dialogue, whether subtle or striking, sculpts your sense of self over time. We explore how repeated thoughts form beliefs that can limit, justify, or empower you. Learn how to distinguish between these voices and beliefs, and discover practical tools to redirect your inner current toward a more intentional identity. Through reflection and strategic questioning, you can challenge old patterns and cultivate empowering beliefs for personal growth and transformation.
If you ever need my help... simply visit getclarity.co.za
I developed The Tree of Clarity to help the Questers create radical, lasting transformation in their lives.
Learn about the old and new belief systems, understand the role of emotions as clues, how to rewrite the voices of the cheerleader and judge with the voice of the coach, and empower yourself to show up as a better version of yourself, more often and for longer.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #treeofclarity #clarity #empowering #transformation #mindsettraining #mindset
Labelling your emotions empowers you to do something about them. Dr Mareitjie Smit introduces us to the concept of 'languishing,' the state between flourishing and depression, and the importance of balancing 'doing' and 'being' to combat it. Discover practical tips and small actions that can bring joy and purpose back into your life. We also discuss the impact of internal voices, like the judge and the cheerleader, on our emotional wellbeing, and how to train the voice of the coach instead.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Dr. Marietjie Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more about me and the work I do, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #wellbeing #mentalhealth #selfcare #personaldevelopment #mindfulness #emotionalintelligence #growthmindset #innerpeace
Hear from three Questers how the Clarity Quest helped them find clarity, courage, and accountability, transforming their lives and relationships.
The Clarity Quest program is designed to help you get unstuck and find direction and purpose through structured steps, mentorship, and a supportive community, with mindset training and personal guidance and coaching from me.
If you want to join the next Clarity Quest, sign up here: https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest-open-day
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaltransformation #mindsetshift #growthmindset #selfimprovement #findyourpurpose #overcomeobstacles #empowerment #lifedirection
If you're not using conflict to grow your relationship, you're missing out.
Learn how to peel back the layers of communication in your relationship from the superficial to the deeply personal, and discover how conflicts aren't just obstacles but opportunities to understand your needs, express your feelings, and grow closer to your partner.
This episode offers practical advice on navigating disagreements with empathy and insight, turning potential rifts into moments of connection. If you're ready to change how you see and handle conflict, this guide is for you. (No, I didn't regrow my hair — this is one from the vault.)
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #communication #conflict #personaldevelopment #relationshipgoals #communicationiskey #growtogether #deepconnections #conflictresolution #empathyinlove #personalgrowth #understandinglove
"Do you care?" That has become the most important question for me whenever I'm prepping for a coaching session. Join Dr Maritjie Smit and I as we unpack coaching, what drives us to do it and the most powerful tools we use to help people grow.
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Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #coachingjourney #growthmindset #selfdiscovery #learningjourney, #transformation #coachingtips #mindsetshift #unlockpotential #questions #curiosity
Getting what you want in your relationship isn't always easy, but it is simple. Just ask.
In this Unpacking episode, Dr Marietjie Smit and I delve into what it means to understand your needs, articulate them to your partner and the massive impact it can have on your happiness. We cover topics ranging from identifying your own needs and the art of effective communication with your partner, to teaching your partner how to meet your needs and the impact of past experiences on our current relationships. We also look at the power of taking personal responsibility in healing and growing within relationships, how your unspoken needs can manifest as baggage in a relationship and the dynamics of asking for help from a partner and the vulnerability involved.
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Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #relationshipinsights #understandingneeds #effectivecommunication #deepconnections #selfawarenessjourney #partnershipgoals #relationshipadvice #emotionalintelligence #personalgrowth #healthyrelationships
My goal is to help my clients achieve radical, lasting transformation. This principle is one of the most important and misunderstood practices for getting unstuck that, when correctly applied, will completely change your life.
(That isn't hyperbole — many of my clients have shared stories of radical transformation after implementing it in their own lives.)
I also share the three steps you need to take to get what you want, the transformative role of structure and discipline as expressions of self-love and empowerment, and why intentionality is the key to unlocking all of the above.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #SelfImprovement #PersonalGrowth #HealthySelfishness #SelfSacrifice #Empowerment #LifeGoals #MindsetShift #SelfDiscovery #IntentionalLiving #selffulfillment #selfishness
When someone irritates you or you are in a conflict situation, the temptation to blame others is strong. In this Unpacking episode Dr Marietjie Smit and I look at how to turn those conflict situations into wins for you by being curious. We also discuss why taking responsibility is so much more powerful than pointing fingers, the three voices in your head and how developing your inner coach can help you rewrite limiting narratives that keep you stuck.
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Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
— — — — —
Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #beliefs #responsibility #control #influence #innernarritive #limitingbeliefs #blame #yourstory
Where does your responsibility for others' behaviour end? And how can you take charge of what you CAN control? Join Dr. Smit and I as we discuss the underappreciated power of responsibility and how you can always know what you should try to control.
We also discuss the "clarity tree" for parsing personal responsibility, how much responsibility we should take for our children — stopping by my two parenting mantras on the way — and how focusing on controlling the right things will lead to much better results than gambling your energy away on the wrong things.
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Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
— — — — —
Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit https://www.getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #beliefs #responsibility #control #influence #parenting #claritree #treeofclarity
Labelling your beliefs as good or bad is surprisingly unhelpful. In this conversation with Dr. Marietjie Smit, we look at a more useful approach to your beliefs that empowers you. Discover how to figure out your emotional goals, take responsibility for your growth and get out of negative emotional spaces, even if nothing changes about the situation you are in.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #beliefs #binaryoptions #perspective #mindset #goalsetting #repetition
What's the difference between the pain that ruins you and the pain that grows you? In this episode, I chat with Dr Marietjie Smit about the difference between "slow pain" that needs healing and "grow pain" that you need to become the person you want to be.
Discover what slow pain is trying to tell you, how to respond to it properly, and why simply waiting for time to heal old wounds doesn't work. We also get into how unresolved pain can hurt your closest relationships through projection and transference, and the key differences between therapy and coaching in moving you forward.
Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
freshperspective #lifecoaching #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #slowpain #growthpain #emotionalhealing #innerhealing #childhoodwounds #projection #transference #therapy #coaching #perspective #motivation #relationships
Have you ever said, "I'm not a morning person"?
Marietjie and I get into how our beliefs shape our lives — regardless if they are true or not — and how we use limiting beliefs in the form of identity statements like, "I'm not creative" to justify staying safe and comfortable.
We look at the role identity statements play in our lives, share personal examples and suggest practical ways to change them into statements that serve us.
Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
beliefsystem #identity #selfbelief #focus #mindset #potential #empowerment #motivation #inspiration #personaldevelopment #lifecoaching #identitystatements #wherefocusgoesenergyflows
Do you need to know where your beliefs come from to change them?
In this conversation with Dr. Marietjie Smit, we talk about the beliefs that shape us, and how we can replace them with new, healthy beliefs even if we are unable to access where they come from.
We also look at the common idea of "fake it till you make it", and propose a much more helpful approach for replacing your beliefs with healthier ones that serve you and reflect the true you.
Dr. Smit is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
➡️ getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
personalgrowth #lifecoaching #beliefs #oldbeliefsystem #newbeliefsystem #mossingaround #meaning #mindset #focus #potential #empowerment #lifecoaching #selfimprovement
What are you afraid of when it comes to achieving your biggest goals and dreams? Failure? Success? In the first episode of this new series, Dr Marietjie Smit and I unpack how fear holds us back from living up to our potential.
From fearing failure to fearing success, catastrophizing about worst-case scenarios and reframing fear to move forward, we examine how fear keeps you stuck in a myriad of different ways, and how to break through and overcome it, or harness it to keep moving forward. Whether you are actively facing fear or totally unaware of how much it is influencing you, you will gain something from this conversation.
Marietjie is the founder of the Reconstruct Community (an obesity and bariatric advocacy group), completed her PhD in Business Management (Entrepreneurship) at 41 and is a fan of lifelong learning.
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Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication.
Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation.
personalgrowth #lifecoaching #fear #failure #success #fearoffailure #fearofsuccess #courageousconversations #reframefear #achievegoals #creativesolutions #inspiredaction #lifecoaching #getunstuck
Josh Romisher, CEO of LaunchLab in South Africa, shares his experience helping entrepreneurs and academics build startups and his ultimate focus on dealing with the "big wicked problem" of climate change. Being closely connected to Stellenbosch University, Josh shares how he leverages LaunchLab's relationship with SU in two directions; building startups from university research and ideas, and building startups with university experts. He also discusses the importance of passion, grit, and a growth mindset in entrepreneurship, and designing solutions for real needs rather than trying to commercialize research. Josh offers insights on universities as catalysts for innovation through partnerships between entrepreneurs, experts, and students, and reflects on applying entrepreneurial principles like having a clear mission and values in his personal life as a husband and father. Key themes include pursuing meaningful work, cultivating work-life balance, and fostering an entrepreneurial mindset in all aspects of life. — — — — Francois Esterhuizen is a life coach who helps professionals get unstuck and gain momentum, and a relationship counsellor with decades of experience who specialises in conflict and communication. Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more, join a webinar or book a free consultation. #climatechange #sustainability #entrepreneur #startups #innovation #research #universities #leadership #socialimpact #mindsetshift
This inspiring interview with Paul Rowett dives into his journey as a purpose-driven entrepreneur. After achieving business success and an exit, Paul realized money and time freedom weren't enough - he needed purpose. A documentary about plastic pollution sparked Paul into action on climate change. He launched a currency called Toco that creates environmental wealth and demand for carbon removal, where users can exchange Rands for Toco on an app, then spend Toco at participating merchants in Stellenbosch, with each transaction removing their carbon footprint. The vision is to scale Toco globally, boosting demand and pricing for high-quality carbon credits. Paul shares openly about finding purpose, being present with family amidst the busyness of starting a movement, and how his wife supports his purpose.
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Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more about what I do and book your free consultation.
climatechange #sustainability #carbonremoval #entrepreneur #purpose #currency #climatecurrency #carboncredits #climateaction #greentechnology #freshperspective #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #entrepreneurlife
Drawing on his entrepreneurial journey from pinball machines to safari lodges, Carl shares insightful lessons like success taking grit and persistence to grow a business through tough times, taking smart risks, living your values and finding fulfillment outside of the constant hustle. Carl offers candid entrepreneurial advice on grit, risks vs. rewards, hustling smart, and balancing money with meaning. For aspiring entrepreneurs hungry for insights from someone who’s been there, this chat delivers.
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Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more about what I do or book your free consultation.
freshperspective #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #entrepreneur #entrepreneurlife #smallbusiness #mentorship #safaritourism #mindfulness #worklifebalance #hustle #successmindset
Justin is CFO/COO at a large automotive retailer. He shares his perspectives on overcoming major business challenges, balancing a demanding career with family life, principles for personal growth, and tips on parenting and leadership. Learn how Justin led his company through the pandemic while protecting jobs, rebuilt after the lockdown, and changed his mindset and priorities along the way.
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Visit getclarity.co.za to find out more about what I do or book your free consultation.
freshperspective #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #entrepreneur #leadership #businessgrowth #worklifebalance #parenting
In this Fresh Perspective Interview, I chat with the incredible Australian-born entrepreneur Andrew Douglas who has found a unique angle in the local wine industry that is both more profitable and more empowering for the wine-makers. We discuss what kept him stuck operating at 10% for a long time, what snapped him out of it, limiting beliefs and leadership in spite of them, finding the right talent, the massive role family played in his life and much more.
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Visit getclarity.co.za to subscribe, or to book your free consultation session with me.
freshperspective #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #interview #values #beliefsystem #limitingbeliefs #gettingunstuck #sourcingtalent
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
This 50-question journey is a great tool to help you figure out:
- the current state of your life
- how you want your life to unfold
- what is currently in the way of you realising that life
- what you need to do to get past those obstacles and live a life you love.
This isn't a quick-fix ten-step program that promises impossibly easy results. Some questions will have obvious answers, while others might seem obvious at first but end up revealing things you weren't aware of. And if you really commit to this process, some questions will keep you awake at night, and the answers you uncover will give you a fresh perspective on your life. The more you put into this process, the more you'll get out of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
These aren't questions you regularly have to answer, so take your time with them, reflect on them, and write your answers down. It will really help.
I hope you enjoy the journey, and as always, you're welcome to book a free consultation call if you would like to explore the possibility of working with me:
https://calendly.com/francoisesterhuizen/consultationcall.
Book your place on the next Clarity Quest!
https://www.francoisesterhuizen.com/clarity-quest
You can also learn how to crack the conflict code and more by clicking here:
https://relationshipsandpersonalgrowth.com/courses
In this episode, I have an entertaining conversation with Marilet Kotzé, a sex therapist & Imago counsellor about all things spicy and sexy, including:
- the origins of some of the most common issues couples have around sex
- the importance of couples communicating with each other about sex, and what these conversations can be about
- reasons why more and more marriages are not monogamous anymore and engage in activities like swinging
- a description of the balance that a marriage should have between being a safe space and being a sexy space
- what it looks like to shake off the boundaries regarding sex that has been programmed into us since childhood
- books that can help people learn skills to have good sex
- is pornography a good or a bad thing?
I hope you enjoy this fascinating conversation.
Until next time.
Much love, Francois
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
In this episode, Andri Stander (former manager at the Western Province Institute of Rugby) shares the journey his career has taken him on so far and how it has taught him three simple principles that form the recipe for high-performance living. He shares these principles freely. The conversation also touches on aspects like:
-
How athletes are set up for success outside of the sports arena during their career as athletes
-
Why being talented is not the determining factor for high performance living
-
Why you should not see your career as your destination
-
Why getting a degree is not an achievement that will set you free
-
The personal development he experienced while doing network marketing for a season
-
How to be effective in getting things done
-
The power of being purpose-driven.
Dig in and discover secrets to bridging the gap between where you are and where you want to be.
Until next time.
Much love, Francois
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
(Trigger Warning: A discussion about sexual abuse)
In this episode, I had an intriguing conversation with pastor and couples counsellor, Dewaldt de Kock. We talked about the challenges people face in relationships and aspects of having a healthy sex life. Here are some of the main points we touched on:
- The Mating in Captivity series that Dewaldt and his wife hosted for couples struggling during the lockdown, and what it was all about
- What can stir sexual attraction to your spouse after you've been married several years
- What a sexual tasting menu is, and why you can benefit from making use of it in your relationship
- A story about how sexuality can be reclaimed
- How much time and attention to dedicate only to your children
- Why people have affairs and what can be done to repair damaged relationships
- How to treat the sacred space that is shared in a relationship
- Why it's important to understand your spouse's "back story"
- Tips on how to cherish your spouse
- What the ECCT approach is, and why it is a valuable way of interacting with your spouse
You're in for some great stuff here! Enjoy it.
Until next time.
Much love,
Francois
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
In this podcast, I talk to visual communication designer Dian Wessels about what he does, and we explore the topic of being creative and finding your own creative voice.
Here are some of the key talking points of the conversation:
- What a graphic designer does
- What UI and UX design is and the hidden principles used to do successful designs
- Why we need constraints to express our creativity
- Advice for people who think they are not creative
- An approach you can take to find your creative voice
- How to plan for being creative
- The difference between developing a skill and expressing your creativity
I hope you enjoy it
Until next time.
Much love,
Francois
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
31 André le Roux - STRATEGIES FOR BRILLIANT DECISION-MAKING
In today’s podcast, I speak with the business strategist André le Roux. He helps businesses increase their chances of achieving success, and shares some valuable ideas that are applicable not only to business, but also to life:
- How to develop better decision-making skills
- What emotional decision-making is, why we do it, and how to stress-test a decision or strategy in life
- Why knowing who you are is critically important, and how to go about figuring it out
- Five strategic questions to ask yourself in life
- Three basic principles for making better decisions
Corneels Schabort and I have known each other since our university years, and I interviewed this vibrant friend of mine to share his infectious love for teaching with a wider audience.
Among other things, we discussed:
- Why Corneels loves teaching
- How love for a subject field can be born
- What helped Corneels sharpen his teaching skills
- Why having mentor(s) is important
- What makes a good teacher
- The dynamics of a teacher’s style of teaching and a learner’s way of learning
- The responsibility of a teacher in caring for students
- What self-directed learning is, and why it’s important
- Why it’s important to be able to critically evaluate information and why this is a scarce skill
- Why it’s important about being honest with yourself about your mindset regarding learning
I hope you enjoy it!
Until next time.
In this episode, I had an intriguing conversation with my friend Llewellyn Morkel about cultivating a mindset for continuous growth. Llewellyn is a strength and conditioning coach at Stellenbosch University’s High Performance unit.
Here’s a quick overview of what we talked about:
- What Llewellyn does and why he loves it
- Why strength and conditioning is about problem solving
- The difference between bodybuilding and strength and conditioning
- The role of a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset in strength and conditioning
- The role of strength and conditioning when someone sustains an injury
- Your circle of concern vs. your circle of influence and what makes you effective
- Why it’s important to find enjoyment in what you’re doing, and two kinds of joy that you can draw on
- How to be aware of the mindsets that you develop as you engage a process in life, and why it’s important
- Advice for people who want to achieve higher levels of performance
Llewellyn can be followed on Instagram: @llewellyn_m_performance
Until next time.
Much love,
Francois
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
In this episode...
Please meet - Rito Hlungwani. Forwards coach for the Stormers, and in today's podcast, he shares with me some secrets of success based on his own journey in life as well as the work he does with some rugby players. Rito uses coaching techniques that he developed from years of research. He explains these techniques to me and how they are also very applicable to life outside of rugby.
Here are some issues that were touched on:
- How can teams reach goals?
- How can someone become a better problem-solver?
- How can someone become better at learning from others?
- What can be challenging in hosting a collaborative setting?
- How can a coach gain the trust of players?
- What determines the success of a player?
- What aspects of the game of rugby makes players well-adjusted to the business world?
- What is a cultural architect and what role do they play in a team setting?
- What is the best advice for someone who wants to achieve something great, like being a professional player?
Contact Rito: Ritohlungwani@gmail.com or Follow on Twitter: @shangaanator_1
Enjoy!
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
Molweni!
Please meet Lianca Fourie. A friend and bundle of joy... and a play therapist.
In this episode of Fresh Perspective, I chat with the bubbly play therapist, Lianca Fourie. She offers play therapy for children between the ages of 3 and 18, using the theory of Gestalt therapy. If you don't listen to podcasts here are some highlights compiled for you by Melise Botha and edited by David Liprini and me. Melise and David will be helping me to continue creating when the demand on my time has increased so much - even starting at 5:00 am doesn’t cut it anymore. 0o: Please feel free to give me(us) feedback on this overview. Any feedback will help to improve… Should it be longer, shorter, more highlights, questions asked, etc.
Until next time Much love Francois
You can always reach me at francois@vuurdoring.co.za
Over to you Melise:
Gestalt therapy can be viewed not only as a method of therapy but also as a mindset or a life philosophy. Its principles are applicable to persons of all ages. The concept of Gestalt therapy is that the parts of a whole are more important than the whole itself. So, I am not only Francois the relationship therapist, I am a father, a son, a husband, and more. All these parts make up the whole of me as a person.
In our life approach, we should consider the parts of ourselves and be present within them. So Gestalt therapy is about being present in the moment because our power lies in the present. This therapy also focuses on taking responsibility for our lives and emotions.
Being present starts with awareness of what’s happening around you and the emotions you experience. You become aware by using your senses. So working on your emotions starts with working with your senses. A typical Gestalt therapy exercise is to close your eyes, become aware of your breathing, how your heart is beating, and where your body touches the chair. Using your senses in this way then opens the door to your emotions, because the sensory and emotional parts of the brain are next to each other.
Being yourself means you accept all the parts you’re made up of. So you should take responsibility for what has happened in your life, your feelings, your actions, etc. You recognise that though you may not be able to change what has happened or is happening, you have power over your reaction to it. A basic way in which to start doing this is by using “I”-language. Instead of saying “you are making me mad”, you say, “I feel mad when that happens”. Taking responsibility can also include recognising the role that you play in the lives of others.
The parts you’re made up of (or roles you fulfil), each reflect the core of who you are, the things that make you unique. But you don’t react the same way in every part/role. For instance, you may be a great play therapist, but when you function as a mother, you sometimes forget what to do, how to stay calm, because you’re more emotionally involved in that setting. And you should realise that this is OK.
When working with very young children, the focus is their emotions. They’re too young to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing. So instead, they’re taught how to handle and manage their emotions. This is done by teaching them that all feelings are accepted, but actions must be limited. The feeling is not a problem, it’s what you do with the feeling that makes it a problem or not. For example, many parents struggle with their three to six-year-olds, saying that they’re angry and out of control and hurt other children. So during therapy, Lianca will use emoji stickers to get the child to indicate their emotion, why they are feeling that way and where the feeling sits in their body. If the anger could talk, what would it say? Anger is a secondary emotion, and another feeling is usually hiding behind it. So the child will say something like “The anger says, I hate my baby sister”. The feeling will then be accepted with a statement like, “It sounds like your baby sister is making your life a bit challenging?” To which the child will respond, “She always gets all the attention from mommy!”
The fact that the child has less time with his/her mother because of the baby is acknowledged, and the child is asked what he/she usually does when he/she gets angry. The child will say that he/she hits things, and will then be asked what they could rather do instead of hitting things. Ideas will be collected, and rules will be set e.g. when I’m angry, I’m not allowed to hit my sister or say bad words, but I can do x, y and z. The child’s parents are also taught how to diffuse the child’s emotions and help them expand their emotional vocabulary even before an outburst can happen. So parents also have to take a lot of responsibility in the process, and a big part of that is being present and aware of their own feelings too.
With older children and teenagers, they will be given more responsibility during the play therapy. When there’s unfinished business, a dialogue is necessary. For teenagers, the biggest issue is typical that they feel like they’re not being heard, and their feelings are not being acknowledged or understood. Also, parents often don’t realise that they should make a shift from parenting a child to mentoring their tween (age 10-12) or teenager, and then transition to friendship. When this happens, the parent tries to handle the perceived problem such as a tantrum or the slamming of a door, instead of getting to the real problem. The teenager doesn’t feel connected to the parent and refuses to share. So parents must first focus on connection and then on correction.
During therapy with a teenager, the focus will be on diffusion of the emotions. He/she will have to picture his/her parent in an empty chair where there’s a picture or other kind of substitute for the parent, to connect the process with an emotion. Then a dialogue will be had, where emotions are let out. Children and teenagers are very able to move past something when they feel that it has been handled. With adults, it is not that straightforward, because they will say they’re OK when they’re not.
Following the dialogue, the teenager will be taught how to take responsibility for their own emotions. What can be done when this incident occurs again? How they can approach their parents. Communication skills are taught, so the teen can safely share feelings without feeling guilty or making it about the other party.
A technique used in Imago therapy is to work on appreciation, linking it with an emotion, going into the opposite emotion, and then trying to resolve that. For example, “Hello Dad, I like it when you spend time with me. It makes me feel special. A time that you don’t make me feel special is when you’re working all the time and not spending time with me. That makes me feel like I’m not important. I need you to spend more time with me.” Depending on the child’s temperament, the parent will sometimes physically be in the session.
Parents are taught that a child or teenager’s behaviour will not improve if they don’t feel better. So it’s important to help them feel better. Their feelings should be accepted and then managed.
Lianca says her work has changed her through the realisation that we’re all only human. We’re going to make mistakes and hurt each other. It’s OK, as long as we learn from it and grow because of it. Life should be embraced with all of its curveballs. All feelings should be acknowledged and accepted. We should be ourselves, with all our feelings, within our circumstances, and then grow in order to help ourselves and others. We will change the world by caring for ourselves and others.
Many people don’t know how to accept negative feelings and manage the effect of others’ negative feelings on them. For instance, parents struggle to overcome their feelings when a child is defiant. Knowing and understanding something doesn’t mean we will implement it perfectly because we’re not perfect. The best we can do is to try and do better!
Lianca’s superpower is being joyful and sharing joy, even when life is difficult. She tries to teach her clients that joy is always a choice.
You can reach Lianca at: 072 123 6683 lianca@spelterapie.co.za She also does Zoom sessions.
In this episode...
I chat with one of the most creative and productive - (rare combo!) people I know. You will love this guy and his accent!
Follow Bennie on Instagram
Enjoy!
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
In this episode...
We get a fresh perspective about the autumn of life, overcoming fear of otherness and “The Choice” from Grete Becker
Enjoy!
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We take a fresh lool at feelings, thoughts and beliefs and how they help us create a brighter future...
Enjoy!
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also email me: francois@vuurdoring.co.za
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
How to radically and quickly, but not easily improve your communication.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective You can also mail me: francois@vuurdoring.co.za
Lekker! Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life! Much Love
In this episode...
I interview fellow Imago therapist and psychologist Carol Dixon - based in the UK.
Here are some of the ideas we will explore:
- The value of upstream prevention
- The healing potential of a corrective emotional response
- Healing together; the profound effect of witnessing another’s healing journey
- Listening to and validating your child doesn’t undermine your parenting
- The value of validation
- How important the skill of articulating your experience is
- The challenge of validating your child without being unrealistic
- Curiosity as a central driver of growth
- Downstream vs upstream (prevention is better than cure)
- The survival suit (defence mechanisms) - adaptive and maladaptive expression
- Open and hidden wishes
- The agenda of love is not happiness.
You can find out more about Carol at www.carol-anndixon.org or contact her at
imagoCD@gmail.com
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
In this episode...
I share with you my take on why we fall out of love...
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
In this episode...
How appreciation and
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Also, download this tool...
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We talk about how changing your assumptions into suspicions can help resolve conflict.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective You can also mail me: francois@vuurdoring.co.za Lekker! Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We look at why love is not enough and what impact that might have on our faith and relationships.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
You can also mail me
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We discuss why you and I should be an acquired taste. And why we struggle to do that.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
In this episode...
How do we move from trying to find ourselves to defining ourselves.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We look at three focus shifts that helps us clarify who we are.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We ask 3 important questions to help us reflect on Good Friday.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
I send a message to South Africa. It is my take on how to approach the 21-day lockdown.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
We take a fresh look at mistakes and how we create problems for ourselves.
We also discover the most devastating effect of blame.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
In this episode...
- What do you need to feel safe and secure?
- What do you need to feel alive, or excited?
- What do you need to feel that you’re significant?
- What do you need to feel that you belong and that you are loved?
- What do you need to grow and progress?
- What do you need to feel that you matter, that your life is meaningful?
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
- Have you ever been driving along innocently and then someone cuts you off?
- Have you ever been instantly offended by something someone said?
- Have you ever been angry because of the way people act?
- Have you ever bought something on a whim?
- Have you ever picked up your phone to do something important and put it down again 10 minutes later only to realize you never did that important thing?
- Have you ever said or done something that you regretted?
- Have you ever procrastinated?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you are just like me. You are an emotion-driven being.
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective Lekker! Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life! Much Love Francois
If you want more demand more. I'm not saying demand more from Society, from your spouse, from your kids, from your boss, from your employees, from the government or from life itself. I am saying demand more of yourself.
You can subscribe to the Fresh Perspective newsletter here.
If you have a dream of the future that creates inspiration, you will have the motivation to move towards That Dream in the present. As time passes you will look back and in your past, you'll find confirmation.
Molweni
One of the best things that my wife and I have done for our relationship is to have date mornings. These dates would start as soon as we got up and we each got a cup of coffee. Then we would do one of two things...
Enjoy!
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Whenever we talk about love we are attempting to demystify the mystical. And I'm keen to try...so let's go! ;o)
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Hope you enjoy!
Let me know what your new definition is...
Let's look at the second way we avoid responsibility!
If you want to get my blogs and podcast and stuff in your inbox. Subscribe!
Lekker!
Much Love
Francois
In this episode...
We look at the effects of Magical Thinking.
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Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
When we know how to take responsibility and what to take responsibility for we are empowered and free. We are the Masters of our lives. When we choose to blame or find excuses not to take responsibility we develop a paralyzing victim mentality.
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In this episode...
I have a long talk about where I am stuck and try to talk myself through it. You need some stamina for this one!
You can also subscribe to my newsletter here: FreshPerspective
Lekker!
Remember: Change your perspective and you can transform your life!
Much Love
Every week I receive a few emails from people who engage with the thoughts post. These people take the time to tell me about how it impacted their lives - and to tell you the truth, it would be much harder to keep going without these encouraging messages.
Today I want to share one of these emails with you. I asked for permission and changed her name to protect her identity. I gave her the name Susan The Brave because being so honest takes courage.
Dear Francois.
I'm not sure how I ended up on your email list and with a busy life (where I barely have time for myself), I've never read any of them. Tonight something inside prompted me to read your last email. I was in tears, it was as if you were writing to me. I went back to all the emails you already sent to me and I'm going to take the next few days to work through it.
I suffer from depression, I am addicted to sleeping pills, I drink pills to help calm me down, pills for anxiety, antipsychotics and antidepressants every day and I’ve tried to commit suicide twice. I am now with a very good psychologist and a psychiatrist, together we are going to get me right. But on top of that, I am terribly grateful for your emails and from now on I look forward to reading them weekly.
Please keep investing so amazingly in those of us who you don't even know - you are saving lives, I promise. Thank you very much!
Susan The Brave
Now you might be asking what does this have to do with the unexpected gift of pain? Well, when you embrace Grow Pain (pain that you go through when you do something important) and take steps towards a bigger goal or dream - you give something unique to the world. Something that only you can give. If I did not embrace the Grow Pain of creating this content Susan The Brave would not receive my unique gift and I WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS MISSING OUT ON WHAT I HAVE TO GIVE. This is the unexpected gift of Grow Pain. To me, that is reason enough to keep going even when it is tough.
I will think of Susan The Brave every time I hear the voice of Doubt and Fear tell me to stop. And I will keep going, keep learning, keep trying and I will keep growing.
My question to you is: “Do you have dreams and goals that will help others, inspire others, heal others, make others smile or laugh? You can fill in the blank. Can you start with one small step today?”
PS: If you identify with Susan The Brave or you want to encourage her please send me an email and I will make sure she gets it.
“It hurts because it matters.” John Green
There are two ways that we extend and amplify our pain and suffering.
We use our memory or we use our imagination.
We use our memory to remember the painful things that happened in the past. When we think about what happened we experience that pain again. We also use our imagination to create pain in the future. We do this when we think about a negative painful outcome of a future event. Both the pain we remember from the past and the pain we create in the future we experience in the present. This means it affects the way we act, feel, think and even believe today. It doesn't matter if it happened a long time ago and it doesn't matter if it hasn't happened yet - we experience the pain as real.
Memory - Past
Imagination - Future
Experience - Present
When we remember painful events from the past we also use our imagination to fill in the blanks. The blanks are all those things we have to make up. All the reasons we imagine things happened to us. Why a person had to treat us badly or why a certain event happened to us. When you use your imagination to create negative reasons you amplify and extend the pain.
When you use your imagination to create a painful future and you think about that future again and again - it becomes a memory. You are remembering the negative future you already imagined. And feeling the pain, doubt and fear every time you do.
So what can we do about this. The most powerful tool you can use to change this is your awareness. Become aware of all the negative ways you fill in the blanks of the past and all the negative outcomes you imagine for the future.
We cannot change the past but we can change the meaning of the past.
If you use your imagination to give negative meaning to events you can also use it to create the positive. Use your imagination to create a positive outcome in the future even when things go wrong. It is not about being unrealistic, because let's face it things can go wrong. It is about imagining the ACTION you'll take when things go wrong, instead of being paralyzed by fear and doubt. Now, when you think about the future you remember the actions you'll take. This changes the way you act, think, feel and believe in the present.
To put it another way when you realise that you have no control of the past and the future it frees you up to take full control and responsibility of the present.Which you do have control over. When you learn how to do this more often you actually learn how to change the meaning of the past and your outlook on the future.
Up to now I've describe pain as a positive thing and that we only see it as negative. It is positive because the message of pain is there to help us. Slow-pain tells us to pay attention because something is wrong and grow pain tells us to keep going because we are doing something important (for more on this check out weeks 1 to 4). If you learn how to hear these messages, pain will be your mentor. Pain will help you, pain will guide you, pain will encourage you and pain will equip you to be a healthier and stronger person.
But there is also a dark side to pain. On the dark side pain is your master and you are a slave. This master uses fear to paralyze you. If you're paralyzed you don't take action and if you don't take action you take the path of least resistance. This gives you a sense of security and safety. But that safety comes at a massive cost - because without action there can be no connection. Without action you cannot connect to other people, without action you cannot connect with your hurt in order to heal, without action you cannot connect with your passion, your dreams and your goals and if you cannot connect to them you cannot pursue them. you know this is true Because like me you know that you have not fully utilised your potential.
The disconnect and inaction causes isolation, alienation and loneliness.
Isolation - when we build walls around ourselves to protect us we're not only keeping the bad stuff out we are also keeping the good stuff out. We end up alone and thus feel lonely.
Alienation - when we start to believe that we are so different that we cannot be accepted or that we will not be accepted because we are different we feel lonely even when we are not alone.
Loneliness can increase your risk of an early death by up to 45%.
What happens then when pain is your mentor and you are the disciple? Where pain as a master uses fear to paralyze you, pain as a mentor uses friction to help you grow and heal. Friction between the past and the present when you're you dealing with slow pain and friction between the present and the future when you're dealing with grow pain. So I am telling you that it will be hard but that friction is what creates the energy. When you rub your hands together that action generates warmth. When you “rub” who you are against who you want to be it generates growth and healing. It is our best defence against isolation, alienation and loneliness. By taking action we open ourselves up to all our potential and in our openness we risk getting hurt. hurt causes pain, but when pain is your mental it means that you then also open yourself up to more with them and more of your potential.
So be curious and be brave or to put it another way the brave enough to be curious.
Let's say a couple you and your spouse are friends with invite you over for dinner. Then at some stage during the meal, you notice a growing tension between the two of them. First, it is very subtle. A bit of sarcasm, a stinging joke, but then it starts to escalate to the point where they are shouting at one another. How would you feel in this situation? How would you react?
I think you'll agree that it depends on how normal this kind of behaviour is for you. One thing that will affect the way you feel in this situation is your past. Based on your past experiences you might feel offended, relieved, calm, anxious, responsible...we can go on and on. Let me just quickly look at a few scenarios.
If you and your spouse have done exactly the same thing this couple is doing you might feel relieved that you're not alone or you might feel compassion because you know what it feels like to lose control like that. If you've never done something like that maybe you'll feel offended and would just want to get out of there as quickly as you can.
Another thing that will influence the way this fight will affect you is the way your parents handled conflict.
Maybe they had a lot of shouting matches and because of that you feel calm and you're not really very stressed by the situation.
Or the fact that it reminds you of your parents fighting actually triggers massive anxiety and you feel completely overwhelmed and scared.
Maybe you were the peacemaker in your family which causes you to feel responsible for resolving this conflict.
I can go on and on with this list, my point is - the way you will feel in that moment, the pain you'll feel in that moment is completely subjective. It is for this reason that I believe pain cannot be objective. Even when we observe someone else's pain our perception of that pain will still be subject to our own interpretation.
This is why one of my definitions of empathy is about subjecting yourself to another person's paradigm in order to feel what they feel. So, even when you are listening to someone else's pain the only way you can truly engage with that person is by making that paints subjective. If you are not willing to make that pain subjective it is impossible to feel empathy. Why? Because when you listen to someone else's frustration or pain and you think well that doesn't make sense or it's not that big a deal, you may think that you are being very objective in terms of how you look at that complaint but that point of view is subjective to your understanding and interpretation of the pain.
Trying to be objective when talking to your spouse about a frustration is not only going to prevent you from understanding, but it is also very irrational. That's why the most rational people struggle to have empathy. They only see the problem through their own lens subject to their own preconceived ideas, history, paradigm, you name it. But it is not objective it's subjective to their viewpoint. They must consciously subject their point of view to the other person's reality to have empathy.
This is the only rational way to deal with conflict.
To put it another way - it is very common in relationships to have one person that's more emotional in terms of how they react to conflict and another that's more rational. Both of them listen to the frustration or pain of the other in a way that is only subjected to their own point of view, believing that they are being very objective because they are observing from that viewpoint. But pain cannot be objective - it's rather a case of which viewpoint it is subjected to. In order to resolve conflict in a relationship, you have to subject your point of view to that of your partner. AND VICE VERSA!
Only then can you have empathy, only then can you understand, only then can you feel the pain and only then can you start to resolve the conflict. You can then also answer the question: Is this Slow pain or Grow pain?
This rational way of dealing with conflict is ironically also a sign of emotional intelligence. It shows that you know how to differentiate.
Here's something to think about. If you and your partner are stuck. If you find yourselves fighting about the same things over and over again it is an indication that you believe that pain is objective. Embrace the idea that it can only be subjective, even when you think it is totally objective it never is! It is just your subjective view of it. If you are brave enough to subject that point of view to that of your partner’s, you'll start understanding them better, you'll have empathy and not only will you resolve conflict - you will unlock the wisdom that's hidden within that conflict.
If you allow conflict to guide you in this way you will learn new ways to love and cherish your partner, simply because you can now feel what they feel when they are frustrated about certain things. PLUS - you will understand how to help them subject themselves to your point of view. You will know that it is not about one of you being right and the other wrong, but rather to cultivate a deeper understanding of all the ways the two of you misinterpret and misunderstand one another’s pain.
Have you ever had a fight with your spouse and afterwards felt bad about some of the things you said and the way you acted? And thinking about it for a while you thought that maybe you should go and apologise but you didn’t, because every time you thought about apologizing you felt anxious. Then you justify not talking to your spouse because you got angry all over again. The real reason you're not having that conversation is fear and more specifically it's the fear of rejection. You're afraid that you'll be vulnerable and apologize and then your partner will still be angry or not accept your apology. That will make you feel rejected or even abandoned.
So how do we deal with that fear so we can have those conversations?
Maybe you've guessed already but this is all part of dealing with Slow Pain. I asked you last week if you are avoiding pain by avoiding important conversations and this is what I meant. If you think about having that conversation you are using your imagination. You imagine the worst outcome. You create that outcome in your mind and based on that image that you see you avoid the conversation. What I want you to try and do is imagine that worst-case scenario in more detail. Think about exactly what will happen AND THEN imagine how you can still act in a compassionate way, how you can still have empathy with your spouse and listen and pay attention to what they are saying.
Doing this will equip your mind to deal with that situation and if you imagine it repeatedly you also deal with that fear of rejection, because you help your mind get used to that feeling and showing it different ways to deal with it by seeing different ways that you act and react to your partner's response to your apology.
What then will we say about Grow Pain? Because grow pain has to do with our goals and dreams the fear will be the fear of failure. We’ll try something or we'll create something and “it won't work”, “no one will like it” and that stops us from actually achieving those goals because if we fail we will feel embarrassed. It might even go deeper than embarrassment. Failure, you fear, will actually confirm that you are not good enough, that you don't have what it takes. So instead of trying to achieve your goals and dreams, you avoid them.
You can use the same imagination that you used to create that picture of failure to change your response. You can imagine how you act if you fail - what will you do? How will you fix the things that got broken in the process? How can you learn from the failure? You can imagine all of this too. If you do, you actually prepare your mind more and more to go for that goal, to try and achieve it because you are showing it different scenarios that you can explore.
The fear will also diminish because you're exposing yourself to that fear over and over again and that way it becomes less scary. It is really important to imagine it in detail because most of the times the image that we see when we imagine the rejection or the failures is just a quick image of what might happen and then we go immediately to the fight-or-flight mode. We get angry and withdrawal or we use out anger to actually push our partners away. You have to get into the detail of both the scenario AND exactly what will happen if that rejection or that failure realise.
When you imagine your response you also have to give it a lot of detail. Clearly see your response. How will you react in that situation? What will you do? This helps you heal or grow, because you are rehearsing a new way of being in your mind before you start doing it physically.
Let me share one more thing about slow pain and grow pain and the fears involved. Maybe you already realise this, but psychologists will mostly deal with slow pain because it is about healing the wounds from the past. Wounds can cause arrested development because if you are not taking action due to your avoidance of pain and fear then it causes you to be stuck in a certain area of your life. That area isn't developing -this is why it is called arrested development. Psychologists help us find ways to deal with the past to imagine new ways of behaving, imagine a new reaction.
On the other hand life coaches usually deal with grow pain and the fears involved in that. They help us to see what we believe that limits us. Help us perfect goals that are more realistic and can help us gradually get to where we want to be. To achieve what we want to achieve.
So I want you to try and be your own psychologist and life coach by using only your imagination. Write down the details. Ask yourself these questions: What will happen in the worst-case scenario and how I like to respond even if that happens?
If I fell short of my goal how would I want to respond? If I can fix it, what might I learn from it?
If you go through these images and think about what you want to be able to do despite the worst outcome you are already learning. So you don't even have to go through the experience before you learn - you are learning, healing and growing already. And that equips you to even better deal with the worst-case scenario, to even better facilitate that conversation with your spouse or equip you to go for that goal in a more determined and confident way.
This week I'd like to delve a bit deeper into the two kinds of pain which I call slow pain and grow pain. I give you a broad overview of the sources of these two kinds of pain and what we should gain from them.
I share my view on the purpose of pain by talking about the two kinds of pain and how they can help us grow.