The Never Relevant Podcast: Recent Episodes
neverrelevant
This movie is about a rich guy who's doing it all wrong. Some people just can't handle holding material authority over nearly everyone in their lives. If I was a rich guy, I'd do it right. I would be a COOL rich guy. No one would ever feel uncomfortable around me; they would always know it's OK to say "no" to me; they would never have cause to think about how much power I have to determine the conditions under which they live. Here is my plan: use all of my personal wealth to build a public access party castle, sequester myself in the highest spire, and allow my body to mummify as I wait for everyone to forget I exist. Eventually people will come to believe that the inexhaustible canape towers, the chocolate fountains that never run dry, the terraced and frothing bathnasiums (separated into horny and non-horny sections) are just the facilities of a really really cool public park. You might say this doesn't solve my own isolation and misery, as the hypothetical rich guy wielding all this relationship-disintegrating power. I would respond that in the long term, it does - eventually, after decades of solitude in my pleasure prison, I would crawl into my sarcophagus and, peacefully, expire. Never Relevant is the Citizen Kane of podcasts. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, John, and Joshua.
Hugh's out this ep, so it's Pat, John and bonus Joshua yukking and snarfing through a tense, gripping drama about fatherhood, human depravity and creative carpentry.Never Relevant knows that podcasting is the war we wage against god. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, John, and Joshua (who can go home when he finishes all of the mazes in the book).
Damn king really sorry to hear that the insurance claim for your terminally ill son's lifesaving surgery didn't go through. Hey, wanna come rob a bank with me and some guys i met last week? Cool, we're leaving in 15 minutes. Don't worry, I have a brilliant plan that revolves around our wheelman, Garboni Trashcanza, who I trust implicitly. Look at how he's driving with his knees so he can use one fist to hammer a stromboli down his throat and the other hand to give bicyclists the finger - he's got the stuff. Never Relevant is a cartel of Twisted Metal superfans. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
A mythic clash of titans, the ultimate power fantasy - a swag-zero CIA pariah wading through choking wreaths of CG smoke in a display of inhuman willpower to wreak pretty mild vengeance on his natural enemy: a swagged out private military golf dad. Kids of whatever generation follows Z (I personally think they will be called gen roman numeral 1) will divide themselves into warring cliques of gray men and golf dads. Smooth-crotched, oviparous human 2.0s will carve monuments of this shit thousands of years from now.Never Relevant is an enduring symbol of dramatic mediocrity. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
This one goes out to Sex Horse. You're a real American hero, Sex Horse. Never Relevant is sensually riding Sex Horse. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, the ghost of Hugh trapped in a fedora, and John.
Get in line maggot, you're about to receive tactical lore from the operator sages of Stephen King Strategic Command in the form of an intensive two-and-a-half hour case study on repelling an evil god by channeling warrior spirit. If you're ready to take the task of defending your town from computer monsters and evil trucks into your own hands, pick up that standard issue pneumatic cattle-killer and give me a hearty yawp!
Never Relevant is the conspiracy board kid in your friend group. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh the silent clown, and John.
(To the tune of London Bridges) Zero more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween; zero more days 'til Halloween, fire the druidic laser!
Never Relevant offers three high-quality masks to choose from - we have the classic Patrick, the fun and flirty Hugh, and for the selective connoisseur, John. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to.
In part B of our unexpectedly child death-heavy Halloween double feature, it's time to explore the scariest haunted house of all: Italy.
Never Relevant is the first full-frontal sex scene in podcasting. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
Just a chill, meditative movie about fishin' for the big one.
Never Relevant is out there on the dock with a line in the water, enjoying the sea breeze and the feeling of sand between its toes. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and (day 1 DLC) John.
A list of things kept in the under-kremlin: the microfiche (but it's missing!); the mystic orb that granted Simon Pegg his career; an idol of a nameless, angry god; a gun that makes people hear dripping sounds; the Simon Pegg single-target illusion shield (this was his second wish from the orb, a poor one in my opinion); a bored man in M. Bison cosplay; a junk drawer full of loose paperclips and old keys and things; hundreds of exuberant pencil on notebook paper drawings of buildings bristling with weedy spires capped in pendulous, disproportionate onion domes, some embellished with flame or "cool S" designs, all labeled "Kremlin 2" (artist unknown).
Never Relevant can also be found in the under-kremlin, in the closet where they keep spare glass coffins. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, , and John.
CHAPTER CARD: PODCAST BLUES
-- Interior, Daily Wire cigar room and debate colosseum, golden hour. JOHN, PATRICK, and HUGH are seated in GAMER CHAIRS. --
PATRICK: Guys, this is serious - the podcast prom is next week, and after all the libel we've slung at Tom Cruise we're less popular than ever. We've gotta do something to salvage our reputation or I'm gonna get bullied so hard my mom will unschool me!
HUGH: I wish your mom would unschool me.
PATRICK: Ugh, gross.
JOHN (inner monologue): I really hope the guys don't notice that I've accidentally superglued my lips shut. Gosh this is so embarrassing.
HUGH: OK, how about this: what if we threaten to dox one of the four super science geniuses in our class, force them to make us a gundam, sell it on the dark web for a ton of cash, and throw a huge sick rager that will - will....
PATRICK: Will what?
Hugh points a shaking finger at the curtain over the cigar room's massive bay window, where a suspicious shadow looms - the immediately identifiable silhouette of a flying saucer
HUGH: Wuh oh.
JOHN: Wuh oh.
PATRICK: Wuh oh.
GAMER CHAIRS: Wuh oh.
Finally, our last deep huff of teen stink. I'm holding this movie in my arms, staring into its eyes; we're breathing weirdly, our faces look miserable. That's what love is like - dramatic, overwrought. It's not fun, but the performance of agony is more gratifying than fun. You can even nut while you're doing it, turns out that's allowed as long as the act is kind of gross and unsettling. The ancient Greeks would've described what I'm feeling now as catharsis, if ancient Greece was a big middle school.
Never Relevant's meat-stone is glittering in the sun like the holographic wrapper of a CBD gummy. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
Pat and John live miserable half-lives in the endless ventilation duct that is the Mission Impossible series, soaking in our own sweat as we watch the shadows cast by the fluorescent light that flickers through the blades of the HVAC fans. Silhouettes of plot-device wives pass momentarily and disappear. We recognize, or believe we recognize, the shape of Ethan Hunt, and we hoot a raucous celebratory holler. It does not occur to us that this Ethan Hunt is strangely different from the last Ethan Hunt, or that there may be more to Ethan Hunt than this badass shape projected on the vent walls, a shape our departed elders assure us is base jumping off the Shanghai orb tower with a dirtbike. It does not occur to us that we could leave the vent, or even that there is a vent to leave. No, we are too busy hooting.
Never Relevant could be Ethan Hunt for all I know. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, , and John.
As director, John Woo infused the second installment of the Mission Impossible franchise with his characteristic flair for elaborate action choreography and mind-blowing stunts. At the time the movie was filmed and released, however, very few were probably aware of what its actual historical importance would be - the herald of a radical shift in bird representation in the American film industry. Considering Woo himself was the first bird ever to direct a major motion picture, he was likely keenly aware of the anti-bird bias prevalent in the casting and even technical departments of the major studios at the time, but in his brief stint in Hollywood before his return to the People's Republic of Bird China, he never explicitly confirmed that the conspicuously bird-heavy cast of MI2 was conscious activism. Regardless, audiences all over the globe got the message - birds were no longer aviana non grata in Tinseltown; no longer would they be denied the spotlight.
Never Relevant is waiting for the right time to overcome all our problems with a WiCkEd stunt. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, , and John.
....... this one was a bad idea.
Never Relevant has exactly two nightmarish song and dance numbers to threaten you with over the next 90 minutes. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
In this episode, Pat and John are assassinated by a Langley company himbo for attempting to divulge sensitive information about the CIA training facility known only as Spy Mountain.
Never Relevant is . You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, , and John.
Inside each and every one of us there is a young Tom Cruise who just wants to ride his kawasaki down to the airfield and cry while watching planes - Freud called this Tom Cruise the superego. There is also the ego, a Tom Cruise who wants to follow a civilian consultant into the women's restroom at an officers' club. Then there is a third Tom Cruise, the omnipresent but rarely acknowledged Tom Cruise id, who just wants to sit in the cockpit of an F-35 all day and let the deep brain stimulation orgasm device built into all F-35 flight helmets rock his fucking world.
Never Relevant was made with the assistance of the Danger Zone Endowment for the Arts and a shockingly huge PPP loan. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
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Never Relevant is a vengeful undead operator with hellish powers. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
This week we're watching a minidisc that showed up on the doorstep of the big trash can where we all live. Wish us luck!
Never Relevant is a podcast that will definitely not go mysteriously and permanently silent in seven days. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Patrick, Hugh, and John.
Never Relevant started with a simple observation. When we climbed to the crow's nest of the content pirate ship to survey the stormy seas of content with our content spyglass, spotted the shore of Contentopia where we would climb Mount Conteverest and meet the Content Lama, who would guide us on a journey to the center of our inner contentinent where we would realize that all that we perceive to be content is merely the shadow of content being projected on the walls of content by a fire which is itself made of content, we noticed that there wasn't enough content that was busted and shitty. No one was brave enough to put out a product that was barely coherent. No one had the vision to commit to ill-advised ideas and then barely execute them. This week we take another small step toward closing that gap, another small step toward fulfilling the mission of Never Relevant as a creative and cultural project.
Never Relevant is only technically a podcast. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John and Patrick, and generously seasoned with a kind of culturejamming dadaist technical sabotage by Hugh.
The scenario writing for this week's feature involved one of the guys who helped screenwrite the shockingly violent, seminal 1968 zombie flick Dawn of the Dead, and his apparent takeaway from the experience was something along the lines of "haha, this is pretty funny, I think we should lean into how funny this is." He knew exactly what he was talking about, and Return of the Living Dead rules.
Never Relevant is a buffet of cops and EMTs. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John, resident slime disposal expert Patrick, and Hugh.
Buckle up, scrubs: this week we take a break from phoning it in with the same tired old movie commentary to talk about our real passion - video games. Through, of course, the medium of movie tie-ins, and you know we're starting with the pinnacle of the genre by screening Resident Evil, a movie that taught people to fear the walking dead again by boldly emphasizing the confusion, discomfort and disinterest of the crowd of extras playing any given zombie horde.
Never Relevant is feeling a little woozy since we got bit, but we think it's no big deal. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John, Patrick, and Hugh.
SLUG QUEEN IS READY FOR THE BIG HUMAN GAME ON THE WEEKDAY KNOWN TO HUMANS AS FRI DAY.
SLUG QUEEN SEES THROUGH SLUG DRONES' CLEAR EYES.
SLUG QUEEN FEELS BEATING OF SLUG DRONES' FULL HEARTS.
Never Relevant exists to serve the slug queen and get alpha as hell on water. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by the gridiron slugsacks that used to be John, Patrick, and Hugh.
At some point in your second century of unlife, you may find yourself experiencing urges - a compulsion to huff the ripe funk of a barely-legal teenager with emotionless shark eyes; an inexplicable desire to form the world's grossest polycule with your girlfriend, her best friend, and your baby; or even fantasies about performing a c-section in a non-sterile environment with no tools - but before you start thinking it might be a good idea to head off to a secluded island in the gulf and blast your bleach-scented vampiric rock salt all over your deadpan beau, I'd like you to watch this educational video. By the time it's over, I think you'll be convinced that there's only one way to prevent the death of your lover at the hands of a parasitic life-siphoning fetus - and that's abstinence.
Never Relevant is the only abstinence-only sex ed podcast for vampires. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted inside a cramped womb by halfbreed monstrosities named John, Patrick, and Hugh.
Have you ever felt emasculated, listener? Is your day-to-day a carousel of castrated banality and humiliation, and the only brass ring in sight is the cold comfort of inevitable death? Does your boss call all-hands meetings where your coworkers laugh at photos of your shrunken wiener? Are you a completely normal and functional type of person who CAN NOT STOP thinking about how wrong it is that you're not allowed to shoot people who say mean things to you? Then this movie is for you, but maybe not in like, a good or healthy way.
Never Relevant is the only podcast ever to ask the question: "what if dudes rocked?" You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John, Patrick, but not Hugh. Never Hugh.
Do you hear that? Hold on, I'm putting my ear to the ground; I think I detect something with my superior elven senses. Ok I need you to shut up, I'm trying to hear something. Please turn your music off, I'm in such an advanced state of magickal focus I can hear the sound leaking thru your airpods. Oh no, it's just as I feared - the telltale whoosh of a giant circus tent hurtling through the vacuum of space toward the planet we're currently on, which of course is Middle Earth. Oh, now I'm hearing another sound - I think it's someone shouting ribald salesman patter about ice cream through a megaphone.
Never Relevant is the only podcast that will both acknowledge and satisfy your alien klown breast expansion fetish. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John, Patrick, and Hugh, and we all wear clown makeup during every recording.
This one is notable for having our flimsiest and most instantly-discarded bit around a cast absence ever - apparently if Hugh ever falls through a spirit hole, we'll think about it for 7 seconds before returning to our video game AI patrol routes. In our defense, Pat and I were both ~~ uwu vewy sweepy uwu ~~ for this recording. ANYWAYS pat assures all of us this one is "the good annabelle movie" so let's see what that means (hint: it does not meant the doll wears the samurai armor, which is all I care about).
Never Relevant is the only movie and television commentary podcast charitable enough to invite 100 orphans to live in its extremely cursed house. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by John, Patrick, and the ectoplasmic residue of Hugh.
THAT'S RIGHT it's the only scary movie with the audacity to demand that you scream in terror right there in the title. I didn't watch this when it came out because I was a tiny child, but I sure did imagine what it was like when I saw the VHS cover in the video rental store and boy did this turn out to be a different movie. Get this: the guy isn't even a real ghost! Or maybe he is, but in the universe of this movie ghosts are like super weak and can get kicked in the nuts and stuff.
Never Relevant is the movie and tv commentary podcast that drunkenly schools you on the many benefits of virginity. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, John, and Patrick.
We learn about psychedelic berries, discuss colonial crotch problems, and finally resolve the multigenerational teens vs throbbulus conflict in the final installment of Fear Street. In other news, the killdozer project is complete, earning Joshua a full semester of metal shop elective credit. At this point the premise of the School School miniseries is almost as flimsy as our release schedule [rimshot, the audience laughs hysterically, a man goes into cardiac arrest from intense mirth and is carted off by chuckling EMTs with happy tears in his eyes].
Never Relevant is the cave you hide in when the goodmen and goodwives take axes and pitchforks to each other as St. Anthony's Fire burns behind their eyes. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, John, Patrick, and an evil dummy that looks like Joshua.
We continue our programme of jamming Childhood Supplements into Joshua's mouth with Fear Street 1978, the MTV Cribs of latrine pits. Teens sporting bad 70's haircuts may be murdered in the process, but we are nothing if not dedicated educators; School School closes for no one.
Never Relevant is the podcast you dump on a mean girl's head to get her back for that time she broke the Geneva Convention on you. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, John, Patrick, and, when the world needs him most, Joshua.
We return to the edutainment genre with our School School miniseries featuring guest host Joshua, in which we try to redress his disadvantaged homeschool upbringing by giving him a little taste of spending a boring childhood being half-heartedly policed by dead-eyed adults in a depressing building with a bunch of other angry children - through the magic of mass media! This series started with Spy Kids, and we've decided to continue it with another kennel club certified spinner, Fear Street 1994, which is about queer teen alienation, school rivalry, murderous ghosts, and the right way to jack off. This is, notably, the first Netflix original movie to cast a teen girl as a sigma grindlord.
Never Relevant is the sort of movie and television commentary podcast that would really impress your older sister's friend. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, John, Patrick, and, if you're very lucky, Joshua.
We've been doing so much squatting, thrusting and lunging that Pat's fingers have become little tungsten tubes full of HGH, and you better believe those bad boys typed straight through his laptop's motherboard. This means Hugh and I had to DIG DEEP and DEHYDRATE OURSELVES SEVERELY to attain the pump & definition required to deliver this week's content. This one goes out to anyone who's ever scribbled so many Cool Fighting Techniques in their composition book that they ran out of ideas and started coming up with stuff like "throwing expertise".
Never Relevant is a movie and television commentary podcast offering borderline illegal "lifestyle and fitness" tips. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, John, and Patrick (once he can afford to pick up a toughbook with extra-durable, extra-wide keys).
In this house, we eat pink cake. In this house, we play Feely Meely. In this house, even mythological Greek psychopomp Charon respects the authority of Catholic Jesus. In this house, we baby bird. In this house, we never really explain what happened to your dad.
Never Relevant is a bunch of unrelated movie and television commentary podcasts all happening in the same place at the same time. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (who is missing; if you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please subscribe to our patreon), John, and Patrick.
We know we're four days late, but we have a really good excuse - some water got into the gearbox of the only crank-operated podcast transmission tower in the priory, and when the first freeze of winter came it wrought havoc on all the hand-forged scotch yokes and flywheels responsible for transmitting our weekly hour and change of clean christian fun to the ears of goodmen and goodwives across the country. Also Hugh's microphone had devils in it again, which is why he's in the stocks getting pelted with quail eggs, so expect around forty minutes of mysterious silence from him.
Never Relevant proudly serves up another hot weekly helping of fully commentated amish content to all you rumspringaniacs out there. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (when he's not blighted by devils), John, and Patrick.
The first turkey of November saw the horrific shadow of its approaching sacrifice to the spirit of colonial revisionism present, and you know what that means: ONE MORE WEEK OF HALLOWEEN. By way of celebration we're posting one we've been sitting on since before our hiatus - the next installment of popular pro-teen pregnancy agitprop franchise Twilight. This was all planned, and is definitely not a sheepish and apologetic attempt to make up for the fact that a cartoonish series of coincidences has prevented us from recording for two weeks.
Never Relevant is the premiere vampire coitus theorycraft podcast. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (when god is not striking him down), John, and Patrick.
When you've elevated minimal-effort production to a creative ethos the way we have here at Never Relevant Productions, GmbH, your perspective changes. The recording session we attempted for this week's episode was a technical ruin, but instead of throwing away our fragmented audio and turning in our podcasting badge, gun, and electric shaver, we have elected to take the left-hand path. The product currently tumbling through your input chute has a big stinky hole in it and we've accepted this. Life is a big stinky hole. A big stinky hole and sometimes a ventriloquist dummy comes out that seems incidental to the violence you suffer, which is actually visited upon you by the hands (?) of a ghost.
Never Relevant is a movie and television commentary podcast made by a bunch of stupid puppets slurping clam chowder. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (when his recording application works), John (when his recording application works), and Patrick (whose recording is usually fine).
This week's FRIGHTENING FILM is about a bunch of psychics more or less doing their own thing in a hotel until their lives are sacrificed to advertise a collection of cool action figures. All the hosts agree that the little wide guy with big hands is the best one. There's a lot of front matter, so we get pretty deep into the naruto parallels present in this film.
Never Relevant is a movie and television commentary podcast with very poorly-defined rules. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, Patrick, and John.
I will not learn your backstory, Creighton Duke. I will not learn it as a fluke. I will not learn it in a cell, in exchange for your anti-Jason spell. I will not learn it if you demand, not even if you break my hands. I will not learn it to save my ex-wife (?), her father, mother, or my own life. I will not learn it, Creighton Duke, I'm not interested & I bet it sucks
Never Relevant is a movie and television commentary podcast that runs on pure crude oil. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (when he's not taking phone calls on mic), Patrick, and John.
This week we kick off our october latex prosthetic bonanza with Wishmaster, a gory practical effects buffet featuring villain design reminiscent of gekisou sentai carranger. If you're into faithful depictions of folkloric djinn and able to accept IMMERSION RUINING inaccuracies about gem formation, it's a pretty good time.
Never Relevant is the only movie and TV commentary podcast that won't scam you with malicious interpretations of your wishes. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, Patrick, and John.
I didn't know Rachel from Friends had such a complicated backstory. Also, Hugh takes a couple of phone calls, but you don't get to hear them because their contents are /sensitive/.
Never Relevant is the movie and TV commentary podcast that was created when a man sold his soul to the devil for gold. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, Patrick, and John.
Consider the iconographic power of the triangle. It can be concrete, technological: the simplest polygon, the archetypal truss, the fulcrum. Or it can be intuitive and natural: a mountain's silhouette, a predator's teeth. It can even be abstract and spiritual: the pyramid that hosts the all-seeing eye, the triune god. Father, Son, Holy Ghost. Weakly-characterized romantic interest, vampire sigma chad, milquetoast virgin.
Never Relevant is the movie and TV commentary podcast you recommended to the craigslist lawyer who well-actually'd you out of a top secret black site science prison. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh, Patrick, and John.
The show goes on. Redditor Dracula continues to blithely zing his way through a plot that dares the viewer to stay invested. This time he's on a boat doing an Agatha Christie sendup, but the twist is you know who the killer is the whole time and the mystery is why is any of this happening. Hugh decided to record this one two feet away from his 19th-century power loom, so please bear with the nonstop sound of children losing fingers in the reed.
Never Relevant is the movie and TV commentary podcast you keep in your mind castle to have a pretentious duel of wits with. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (Andy to his sweatshop boys), Patrick, and John.
We went on hiatus for a while because Hugh decided to undergo initiation into the deep state. We did not announce it, we will not address it, and we are not sorry. Now we're back and I (John) have taken over editing and posting responsibilities after a VERY HOSTILE reorg; expect episode descriptions that read less like hardy boys back cover blurbs and more like psychic IEDs. This week we present the inaugural episode of our journey through the Steven Moffat-penned BBC Dracula miniseries, which is an ominous beef-smelling transylvanian castle of bad ideas.
Never Relevant is the movie and TV commentary podcast of choice for insufferable undead pricks. You should listen to each episode while you watch the movie or show it's about, but you don't have to. It is hosted by Hugh (Andy to his Rosicrucian colleagues), Patrick, and John.
Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou sprayed with fake abs? In this episode of the pod the boys balance the Shakespearean plot with the Salo-ean imagery of Stephanie Meyers's New Moon brought to VHS.
After some Frankenstein like editing the twilight episode arrives. The boys dive into the musk of stephenie meyers flagship IP and day drink their way to the end.
In what should probably be it's own stand alone series, we watch another teen supernatural film. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer Dolly Parton's person middle finger to Joss Whedon, the boys enjoy the style of the 80s and the acting of men who refuse to be directed.
Hands to yourself and no listening to weird space signals everyone we have you covered in this week's episode. James bond flies to a space station to try and figure out what is going on in this spike themed rocket Elon Musk sent up. The boys endure the pain of poor acting and a director that really wished he could have just made alien again.
The boys tackle the trauma of ripping off your fingernails, evil mirrors, and inconsiderate family members. Watch out for lightbulbs and boat anchors on this episode of Never Relevant.
The boys have done it, the final Paranormal Activity and our 50th episode. We suffer through cyber cameras and uncomfortable flirting to bring you this week's Never Relevant Podcast.
Lace up your basketball cleats and get your orange slices, we are hitting the court this week in the OG basketball classic Teen Wolf. The boys navigate the perilous teen hi jinks of sticking up a liquor store, seven minutes in heaven and thick ropes.
It's Christmas in July everyone. This episode we learn about the deep and dark business/empire that is Christmas. We see the game of thrones esque politics, marriage making, and writing that is the true face of everyone's favorite holiday.
Hola everyone, this week we explore Paranormal Activity The Marked ones. Our three hero's watch the Paranormal Activity/Chronicle crossover that just barely makes a good movie, at least compared to the other Paranormal activities. Also we talk about nuclear Christ.
The boys have been transported to the teenverse where The titular activity is abounding. Small child antics and video chats are a constant theme in this thick rope filled episode.
This week we go back to the roaring 80s when it took like 6 screens to filter your magnetic film to see the ghost in your house. Hugh, John, and Pat zip up their parachute pants for this wild ride of twists and turns in Paranormal Activity 3.
This week the boys explore many avenues while watching paint dry in a room with an invisible demon. Cats and their terrible demises are a common theme this ep, but we don't get to graphic so just a small TW.
Hugh returns only to wish he had stayed away as our three warriors of banal conversation begin their quest to watch all of the Paranormal Activity movies. We attempt to draw blood from the stone of Paranormal Activity stone and unfortunately only come away with talcum powder covered feet.
In this episode of Never Relevant John and Patrick are dragged back to their favorite horror movie that is also limited in liability. They must look at old footage of the same stuff they watched the last two times and try to find anything to talk about while watching this wonderful film that definitely keeps them both entertained and frightened.
In this weeks exploration of horror themed legal business structures (this is a pun?) John and Patrick return to the hell house. Is it still a hell house? Or perhaps a simple cash grab? Either way it is sure to be full of spooky clowns or maybe a ghost, I'm not really sure because I'm Hugh and I wasn't in on this one WoooOOOOoooo.
On this Mythical week of Never Relevant we explore the realm of the gods aka a summer camp and las vegas. Join John, Hugh, and Patrick as they try to avoid monsters, traps, and the violent love of a god.
We come with a timely meme episode with scary clowns and a haunted house. Join Pat and John as they pick up hot house flipping tips from this weeks episode "Hell House LLC"
In this 4th episode of the insidious series Ghost friends Jon and Patrick delve into one of many Wanaverses. They over come many things, the greatest of which is their skepticism of this movie.
We have finally made it to the end our our journey through the further. John and Pat are battered and bruised but are determined, for once in this podcast's history, to finish a series.
On this episode of never relevant our two hosts must find the one host in the host ghost zone. Pat and John dodge ectoplasm and try to stay awake through Insidious 2
The first of four steps down this short path for our three hosts is wracked with poor lighting, spoopy boys and some well done low budget effects. We delve into the shadow realm to find our lost boy and loudly declare the size of our weapon.
This week we delve into the horrors of the Zuckzone and see what social media really does to our society. Hugh, Pat and John are trapped in the Wicca matrix and must escape, lest they be trapped in a small liberal arts college desperately trying to get likes.
John, Hugh and returning special guest Joshua defy the child cenobytes to bring you the classic Spy Kids. We appreciate gadgets, spies and most of all MACHETE in this weeks episode of The Never Relevant Podcast.
Hey all this week Hugh definitely didn't forget to save his audio and Patrick and John decide to take long pauses and make strange exclamations as they watch everyone's favorite back mutilation Thriller "The Cell".go
This week we are watching a fascinating movie about some scam artists who help a family of squatters deal with mass hysteria and poorly rendered birds. It's a short description this week on The Never Relevant Podcast.
In a new series for Never Relevant John, Pat, and Hugh are exploring movies that were intended to have expansive and massive movie universes that unfortunately never came true. Jupiter Ascending is a great starting point for just such a series. Dune, Dogmen, and sky skates are only a taste of what is to come on this weeks episode of Never Relevant.
Hey all, John is out so we must watch the mom from spy kids escape her husband's horrible fantasy. Strong trigger warning for this episode for child abuse, rapey scenes with an estranged husband, and a moon man who likes feet. Stephen King is our guest but remains silent as there is no defense for this super weird plot on this week's episode of Never Relevant.
Hugh's in Boston AKA Lobster City AKA the B-word betting on drone racing and being educated by his girlfriend in the finer points of American boorishness and I am NOT BITTER about it, so this week, please enjoy the spectacle of Patrick and I struggling to relate to each other and generate entertainment value at 66% efficiency while the cop from Eureka hurts men of all shapes and sizes.
Alright, that run-on sentence surely repelled all the casuals, so here's a hot tip for the true lords of the underworld out there reading the full description text - Bumpo's in this one; prime yourselves to cherish every moment he's on screen.
Greetings valued patron, and welcome to the WORLD OF TOMORROW! The holographic avatar filling the entrance hall before you depicts the nude form in signature Coppertone baby pose of Robert Liefeld III, chief curator and proprietor of the WORLD OF TOMORROW, whose pleasure it was to submit the braked AI mind-clone operating the ramshackle chassis from which this unalterably upbeat voice is emanating to an eternity of servile docentship!
As we proceed into the exhibit hall, please observe our faithful reconstruction of the STARSHIP OF THE FUTURE. Note the generous interior application of BadPaint, a psychoreactive metamaterial that adopts the least suitable color for its surroundings. Consider further the total lack of common-sense automatic safety features in spite of the ship's evident technological complexity. Now that we have reached the optimal viewing angle, you can also see holograms representing FUTURE HUMANS about their daily business aboard the ship - transacting nipple-based commerce, separating into cliques to be introduced into the plot at different quartiles of the film's runtime, and sometimes dinkusing. We have paid careful attention to ensuring each hologram exhibits symptoms of prolonged exposure to the conditions of interstellar travel. Over here we see two victims of chronic space thirst adopting the mind-bending postures of zero-gravity coitus. And here, we see a synthetic afflicted by sassy android syndrome obsessively polishing the glossy surface of their PVC battle-onesie. On the bridge and below-decks you will find two examples of acute character confusion - they must remain at diametrically opposed points on the ship lest their wildly inconsistent interpretations of the setting collide and produce a thematic singularity. Now, please follow me to - oh. I see. Looks like you've all been mauled by the scary knife man our glorious chief curator installed in the exhibit. What's that you've burbled from your lacerated crater of a face? "What does the knife man have to do with the future", you ask? The knife man has nothing to do with the future. The knife man is unrelated. The knife man is here because we thought we could manage it being unrelated, I suppose. Maybe we thought the knife man would enhance the experience? I no longer recall.
When I was a kid and Astroworld was still open, they had this thing around Halloween called Fright Fest. They dumped fake cobwebs on all the rides, dressed the costumed characters up as draculas, and ran special adults-only late night events - alchemized the park into a roach motel for teenage makeouts. One year my sister went with her goth mallrat pals and punched an ICP-type clown's nose in at a haunted house. She wasn't allowed in any of the haunted houses after that, but they didn't kick her out of the park or anything, and I always thought that was nice of them.
Reprime your carbochains and torquefy your injectakes, listeners; after extensive DMT spelunking we've come back in touch with the primal kernel of our id - sleek hot metal and strong throbbing speed. Consequently, this installment is all about blasting that like button for sweaty, loveless relish of unabashed carotica. There's also a plot in there about the big Rio Jesus being a secret ICBM or something, and I think Dominic ruins a bathroom.
Hugh's gone and we're lost. Patrick says the oracle bones indicate we've angered him, and maybe he'll return if we punish ourselves, so we're watching Descendents. As far as I can tell, this movie is analytically devised to make you hate music, so watch it with the sound off unless you're also sacrificing your ability to appreciate a broad category of human endeavor to appease a fickle djinn. Anyways, I've gotta go self-flagellate and cry pain tears on Hugh's photo in a ritual of psychic reconciliation for whatever I did to make him go away, so enjoy the episode.
In the third episode of this series we see the return of Vin Diesel and realize just how much we missed him. Between crazy stunts, the FBI, and a look at the very real dangers of the American-Mexico border this addition to the FnF canon brings us to another level. Join John, Patrick, and Hugh as they get through this one to get to the better ones on Never Relevant Podcast.
In this fast paced, Vin Diesel-less, episode of Never Relevant Paul Walker and a crew of new actors must survive Miami. Join John, Patrick, and Hugh as they point at actors they know the names of and are surprised to see on screen. The roads are hot and our patience is thin with unarguably the weakest addition to the Fast and Furious series.
Come one and all, bring a drink, for this dry pallet cleanser. John, Hugh, and Patrick have been overloaded with bad movies and tv so we have decided to watch a boring and extremely dry show. Join us in struggling to find any enjoyment in Bleak House episode 1 on this weeks episode of The Never Relevant Podcast.
Pilot season is a bitter one this year as we weather a storm of boobs and bad plotting in this episode of Never Relevant. In this series we will be watching Friday the 13th movies in the reverse release order. That means the gritty reboot by Michael bay will be our first on the list. Join John, Pat, and Hugh in dining on delicious pot stew on this weeks Podcast.
Welcome to the pilot of one of many series we are trying out for the Never Relevant podcast. Spoons, house parties, and NOS are the themes of this white knuckled mumble mouthed episode. Join us in living ten seconds at a time, a quarter mile at a time or some other platitude on the Never Relevant Podcast.
It's Pilot season and the boys are trying out some new series. This episode is the beginning of the series title "My Body is a Cage" in which we watch nicholas cage's entire movie career in random order. This time we are travelling to east russia where the devil has taken residence and The Cage must pursue him. Crank-esque antiques insue for a bombshell of a kickoff for this series.
This week Patrick and Hugh descend into madness as they watch the not at all acclaimed documentary by renowned dick Zac Bagins. Watch as a man harasses a community of oppressed minorities and extorts them to agree with his crackpot theories.
Due to nobody's negligence we are bringing you a Christmas special episode. Join us in watching four terrible Christmas tales blended together to give a paycheck to William Shatner.
Hey all, sorry for the long hiatus we have been out for reasons that are our own. We are back with a new episode with our returning unnamed special guest to see a bunch of youtubers portray the schools they dropped out of run by maybe the worst person ever.
Put on some glasses, shun water, and no eating before midnight, lest these three hosts turn into gross lizard versions of themselves. The penultimate holiday special is here as we gather around the screeching radiator to watch Gremlins.
Drunken chaperones, permed sorority girls, and stuffed octopi join us in this scary Christmas tale. Join us in watching Black Christmas.
In this very posh and refined episode of Columbo we travel to the mystical realm of England. There Columbo is beset on all side by the wealthy and must determine which to gaslight and eventually destroy. Join us in "The Dagger of the Mind"
In a conspiracy of drawer guns, gun plants, hunky Tony's and an ever present Columbo, this week Columbo tackles an all new challenge of a "partner" as well as a slightly inclined hill.
After a long month of spooking the boys return to their favorite show Colombo! We are introduced into the new and space age architecture of rectangles. This weeks episode is "A blueprint for murder".
To complete the Spooktober season we are finishing strong with Wes Craven's classic "Nightmare on Elm street." Next episode we release will be a return to Columbo.
In the fourth installment of Spooktober we again dig deep into the mind of Clive Barker and immediately wish we had hazmat suits, or at least some hand sanitizer.
If you thought Hellraiser 2 was a nightmarish, confusing half story then we have found the movie to prove you don't know what you are talking about. John, Hugh and Patrick are joined by Matthew Mcconaughey and Renee Zelwiger to fight the Illuminati in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 The next Generation.
For the month of Spooktober Hugh, John and Patrick venture into the realm of the scary. We will be releasing five special commentaries this month over classic horror films. We begin with John Carpenter's Halloween 1978, and shiver at the menacing form of The Shape.
John has returned to us in our 4th episode of Columbo. (Don't ask about the 3rd). This episode we peel back the surface of Columbo's life to see how the world's greatest detective truly lives. The title of the Columbo episode is "Suitable for Framing".
This week Hugh, Patrick and an Unnamed Special guest join us in a very unfortunate episode. John is out this week so we threw on whatever we could find. CONTENT WARNING "13 Reasons Why" uses rape, sexual assault, suicide, emotional abuse and other very serious issues to tell a very mundane and boring story. We do make fun of these issues in this episode, not because we find these serious issues to be funny or insignificant but because we find "13 Reasons Why"'s use of them to be insensitive. Season 2 Episode 1 of "13 Reasons Why"
Join us in our second episode where we see a great contest of detectives. The name of the Columbo episode is "Death Lends a Hand."
Hugh, Patrick, and John set out on a Journey of watching the world's greatest detective in his many adventures. Columbo episode Titled "Murder by the Book".