The Richard Nicholls Podcast: Recent Episodes
Richard Nicholls
To inspire, educate and motivate you to be the best you can be. Learn about tackling mental health problems like Anxiety and Depression as well as simple tips to understand the world better, in a down to earth and genuine way with the Best Selling Author and Psychotherapist Richard Nicholls.
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Following on from last week I'm going into why some neurodiversity isn't genetic. How childhood trauma can shape a brain in ways that look a lot like neurodivergence and why so many people get handed the wrong diagnosis.
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Why is it so much easier to sort out a friend's messy cupboard than my own?
This month I'm getting into overwhelm and executive dysfunction, specifically the pile that's been sat on the chair for 3 weeks, the drawer that only opens halfway, and the shame that builds up around it.
I break down what executive function actually is, why clutter turns into hundreds of tiny decisions your brain just can't process when it's already running on empty, and the 4 reasons it's so much easier to be decisive with someone else's stuff than your own.
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Different brains aren't broken brains. They're just running on an operating system the world wasn't built to support. So this week I'm talking about why neurodivergence and mental health are more tangled together than most people realise, and what that actually means for the people carrying it.
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This week we're talking about bullying, and not just the playground kind. We dig into how being bullied as a child can leave a lasting mark on the nervous system, even when home life was safe and loving.
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Anger gets such a rough deal, doesn't it. People either think they've got too much of it and feel ashamed, or they reckon they never get angry and think that's something to be proud of. And honestly, both of those things are worth looking at.
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This week I’m talking about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. A therapy model that sounds a bit like “just accept things” on the surface, but actually has a lot more depth to it than that.
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Jumping into the time machine today, back to 1968 when a researcher built a paradise for mice. A place with unlimited food, total safety, nothing to fear, and watched the whole thing fall apart anyway.
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People often use the word panic to mean the same as anxiety. But in my world, the 2 are separated so as to ensure people get the right sort of therapy.
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Attention seeking gets used as an insult, doesn't it. But wanting to be noticed is one of the most fundamental human drives we have. Today I'm looking at why we got this so badly wrong, and what's actually going on when someone gets labelled that way.
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Who's responsible if we fall flat on our face and nothing goes right?
More importantly, who's responsible if we don't pick ourselves up again?
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A bad attitude is like a flat car tyre.
You're not going anywhere unless you change it.
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The rules of toxic masculinity suggest that to be a real man you should never lose, have no needs, suffer in silence, show no emotions except bravado and anger, be independent, show no weakness.
It’s an impossible code to live by and it hurts everyone.
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Because we're not born knowing how to do anything that comes naturally to us as adults, we're literally born to fail along the way.
Whether that's learning to walk, talk or how to be calm in difficult situations. We have to learn. We have to practice. And the only way to do that is to get it wrong.
Time to embrace our failures!
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Call it a crush, call it new relationship energy, call it infatuation. But if it becomes an addiction, then you can easily become your own drug dealer by retreating into fantasy.
That's when it starts to become a very serious problem.
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Not only is my house full left over Christmas chocolate but the supermarkets are already pushing Easter eggs onto me and there's only so much willpower we have to resist.
But sometimes it's all a matter of perspective.
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Understanding a little bit about the effects of different parenting styles can really help us understand ourselves better. As well as help us to understand others.
Let's have a peek into some of the basics shall we?
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You don’t need to be anxiety-free to live fully. You just need the right process, and a bit of patience with yourself.
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If you ever find yourself stuck in the same old arguments, playing out like a bad soap opera then that might be the Drama Triangle at work. Where we slip into roles of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor without even realising. So, today I’ll explain how the cycle works, why we get caught in it, and how to step out of the drama by choosing healthier roles instead.
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Why do families, schools and workplaces so often create “roles” like the star, the scapegoat, the peacekeeper or the joker? In this episode we dive into systems theory, exploring how groups unconsciously assign parts to people in order to keep balance, and the cost this can have on our self-esteem and identity.
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Happiness isn’t a destination. It’s the small, fleeting sparks that weave through ordinary days. A sip of coffee, a kind word, a favourite song on the radio. In this episode I explore how these micro-moments of joy soften life’s edges, shift our perspective, and remind us that even on tough days, good things are still here.
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It's World Mental Health Day today, a good day to challenge some old beliefs that have been holding us back.
Sometimes what you think is “just how I am” is actually a hand-me-down. And when you realise that, you get to choose whether to keep something or let it go.
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If you’ve ever been told to “snap out of it,” you’ll know it’s rarely the magic cure the speaker thinks it is. More often than not, it feels like being told off for having feelings, like telling someone with a broken leg to just run it off.
But while we can’t flick an emotional light switch, we can influence how we feel. And that starts with understanding our state.
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If your sense of self is based around helping others and it's the only place where you get your self worth from. It might be worth checking that you don't make things worse.
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Today is all about why having an optimistic and positive mindset can make a big difference in our life.
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If you ever find yourself staring at the fridge, unable to choose what to eat. Or scrolling endlessly through Netflix, paralysed by too many options, then you may well have been experiencing decision fatigue. When our brains get overwhelmed by even the simplest choices.
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According to multiple studies, fear of judgement is the number one biggest fear, above dying.
The author Elbert Hubbard once wrote, "Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing, and you'll never be criticised." And that's probably the only way to avoid criticism, isn't it?
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Today is International Relaxation Day. So I thought I'd do something different this week for my bonus episode and guide you through a 5 minute relaxation exercise.
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Most people think of boundaries as being like a physical thing as if there's a chalk outline on the ground everywhere you go and if someone steps into it it makes you upset. The thing is the only one that knows the boundary is there is you.
Today is all about why boundaries are important, how to set them and how you know if someone's crossed the line.
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What's the difference between someone who has all the motivation and enthusiasm you could wish for and someone who, even though they don't have depression, still can't feel motivated? Well, in order to answer that I think it's worth looking at what motivation actually is.
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This week I'm looking at how everyday moments with others help us feel more connected. From quick chats to shared experiences, we explore what fills our social meter and what happens when it runs low. It’s a gentle reminder to reach out, notice those around us, and stay open, even when it feels easier to hide.
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It's Friday 13th, so today I've got a bonus episode for you about the psychology of superstition.
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Fake it till you make it sounds a little problematic and it can be, but when done properly learning to model confidence isn’t about being fraudulent, it’s about becoming a fuller, braver version of yourself.
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Your brain has a remarkable ability to filter and remember important experiences while discarding the less significant ones. It does so by comparing new experiences with past ones and using emotional reactions to determine their importance.
Let's look at how we can train it!
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The words in our head and the words we hear ourselves say have a surprising influence on our life. It's worth checking sometimes whether the self talk we have is a friend or a foe.
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It may be Valentine's Day this month, a day to remind someone that you love them, but I think we very often need to bring it closer to home.
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Bit of a psychological education episode today all about our decision making and how our emotions can influence it.
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Is it true that first impressions of something or someone stick?
Yes and no is the rather annoying answer.
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This week's shorter podcast episode is about hedonic habituation, which is the desensitisation we experience to our material things.
But if buying things doesn’t ultimately influence our happiness for very long, then what does?
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Problems can begin when catastrophic thinking turns into a habit. When our brains constantly predict the worst, it soon becomes our go-to response, reinforcing a cycle that feels real and unavoidable. As if those thoughts are based on reality rather than imagination.
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Cognitive Distortions are the thinking traps where our mind convinces us of something that isn't actually true.
Once habitual and almost a part of our personality, they can very often start the ball rolling for depression and anxiety.
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For many, anxiety is all about being vulnerable to the possibility of rejection.
It's normal for our brain to seek out what we fear and notice dangerous possibilities. But those with bad experiences may have been primed from an early age to expect rejection by default.
Because of this, their brain is going to start perceiving rejection everywhere.
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Kindness is often linked with better mental health. It helps us to feel connected to others, creates a sense of belonging and reduces isolation.
But I say there's a time and a place for it, and it might not be now and it might start closer to home.
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"Awe" tends to be defined as the emotion we experience when encountering something with such perceived vastness that our brain might find it hard to comprehend how it can exist.
Being "awed" by an experience can have some surprisingly powerful, positive effects on us.
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Musharaf Asghar overcoming his stammer.
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Does our belief in ourselves work for us or against us?
Or both?
Today is all about how our belief in an optimistic future makes it all happen.
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Positive messages such as "Keep Calm & Carry On" or "Don't Worry Be Happy" sound like a good idea.
But sometimes we need to acknowledge how we feel and I wonder if the overly optimistic ignorance of positive messages can do more harm than good sometimes.
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Is life really all that bad?
Today I'd like to talk about how our perspective on things influences our mood and vice versa.
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Mindfulness often gets confused with meditation or hypnotherapy. I can understand why but they are different and if meditation and hypnotherapy isn't your thing then maybe mindfulness can really open up some new perspectives for you.
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In his letter from Birmingham Jail in 1963, after being arrested on the rather trumped up charge of marching without a permit, Martin luther king wrote, amongst other things, this quote. he said "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love" in other words, if you feel disappointed it's only because you care about something.
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A lot of stress comes down to perception.
Perception of our abilities compared to the perception of the problem. If we don't perceive we have the resources to achieve something, then it hampers our ability to think and concentrate and we feel like we're drowning.
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You probably don't remember it, but your teenage years were probably a bit rubbish a lot of the time. If you have children now yourself you might find that you need to work a bit harder at remembering what it was like in order to understand them.
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Myth busting today.
Following on a little from the episode the other week on introversion. Today is about the opposite end of the scale.
Or is it?
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Psychometric tests like Myers-Briggs have been around for a hundred years, but are they actually of any use to us?
Do these labels actually offer any advice?
All these questions and more in today's instalment!
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Emotions are part of what it is to be human, but not everyone finds them safe or easy. Today I want to talk you through a simple technique that has been shown to help turn the volume down on the overwhelm that emotions can sometimes bring.
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Procrastination is both doing something and not doing something at the same time.
It's a voluntary, yet irrational, delay of an intended action and is a devil on many people's shoulders nudging them towards doing something else instead.
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Why, when we feel emotion, would we need to leak water out of our face?
It doesn't seem to be particularly beneficial does it?
Today I explore some of the research into it and share some techniques to help us gain some control over our leaky faces.
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Combining low self esteem with imposter syndrome can be a tricky thing to manage, especially if you spend so much time and effort comparing yourself to others. Today is all about how to better manage the way you think and feel about yourself.
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Whether it was when we were young or later in life, we've probably all felt anxious in situations that put other people in a position to judge us.
It's never too late to learn to override it though.
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Research has shown that hope can significantly improve mental health outcomes. It boosts resilience, helps you to cope better with stress and setbacks and means that you're more likely to engage in positive behaviours that support your well-being.
But hope isn't something that just happens; it's something you might need to cultivate and it could even save your life.
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With some things in life we can feel as if we're right back to square one with it and we might as well throw in the towel and give up on it.
A job, a hobby, even a relationship.
If this is a common theme to your life it might be worth examining it in a little more detail.
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The psychology of repeating bad relationship after bad relationship is quite complicated.
Self-esteem plays a big part but there's sometimes a bit more to it than that.
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Overthinkers tell me all the time that a lot of their rumination is about what other people are thinking. But it's not whether other people are thinking positive things, people don't seem to ruminate on that. It's about judgement.
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Are you living your life based on your values or your goals?
What's the difference anyway?
Let's find out.
Link to values list https://richardnicholls.net/?post=episode-238
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Even without depression, sometimes we just get into a funk. Our motivation drops and all we feel capable of doing is staring into the distance and waiting to go back to bed again. It might seem as if there's no coming back from that but there is.
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With lots of retailers moving from the high street to retail parks or online. And with Brexit meaning a combination of both people and businesses moving to other countries we might find that moving jobs becomes more commonplace nowadays.
So how can we handle all of this?
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Have you ever bought something simply because a celebrity you like was paid to advertise it?
Maybe you haven't, maybe you think you can make your own mind up.
Or maybe you're as much of a sucker as the rest of us!
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If you didn't already know, the patriarchy still exists I'm sorry to say. Women are still having a hard time of things compared to men. But there seems to be an issue in creating equality.
Men don't seem to like it!
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This week, I want you to pay close attention to how you talk to yourself. Whenever you catch yourself going down a self-critical path, pause and remind yourself, "I am worthy, I am enough."
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Gaslighting is a phrase we use to mean being manipulated and to have your reality questioned.
Cults have been doing it for decades, maybe even for thousands of years.
Today I'm going to scratch the surface a bit.
Come and have a listen.
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There are always going to be things that go on in life that test our patience. Traffic lights, drive time congestion, demanding children, demanding friends. It's good to try and get a better perspective if you can.
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When we don't know what's coming in our future it can be hard to enjoy the present.
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What's the difference between someone who has all the motivation and enthusiasm you could wish for and someone that, even though they don't have depression, still can't feel motivated? Well in order to answer that I think it's worth looking at what motivation actually is.
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Who's responsible if we fall flat on our face and nothing goes right?
More importantly, who's responsible if we don't pick ourselves up again?
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and its counterpart Complex PTSD, are life-altering conditions.
And although the symptoms may often resemble Anxiety and Depression, they need to be worked on in slightly different ways.
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Carl Jung once said " those who look outside dream, those who look inside awaken." And if you've ever seen an analytical Psychotherapist you'll know what he meant.
One way of learning what makes us tick is through a concept called Ego States.
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Your brain has a remarkable ability to filter and remember important experiences while discarding the less significant ones. It does so by comparing new experiences with past ones and using emotional reactions to determine their importance.
Let's look at how we can train it!
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In short, re-enactment in response to trauma means repeating past events as a way of trying to resolve them. But until we are made aware of it we often compulsively and unconsciously make things worse for ourselves.
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People often think that avoidance is all about procrastination, avoiding the pain of being thought of as having done a bad job by not doing the job in the first place. And although that is avoidance it can also extend into many areas of your life.
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Prompted by a few emails over the years. Today is all about dealing with having an insecure attachment style and how to best cope in a relationship despite it.
36 questions that lead to love.
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We often look at mental health as being a brain thing rather than a body thing but of course our brain is part of our body, it's an organ that needs looking after like every other organ does.
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Today is all about Obsessive Compulsive Personality.
OCD is talked about a lot because it's such a life destroying disorder, and so is quite obvious if someone has it. But when it's a personality trait people can often just get labelled as "difficult" and they don't seek help.
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Striking a balance between too much logic and too much emotion isn't easy. But with a bit of practise you can create what therapists sometimes refer to as the Wise Mind.
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Outside of psychology, "Rumination" is the word used for the way certain animals chew their food.
Animals with multiple stomachs are able to move food from one stomach back up to their mouth to chew it some more before swallowing it back down again ready to chew it again a bit later.
That's why we use it in psychology to mean to chew over your thoughts. Even if you swallow your thoughts down they keep coming back up for you to chew over again.
That's rumination.
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Today is all about biases.
In particular the in-group and out-group bias that drives our emotions way more than it should in the modern world.
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Going back to basics today with a refresher about anxiety.
If you're new to my content this is a great place to start to learn how to deal with it.
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Being behind on your goals doesn't mean rushing to get everything finished, it doesn't mean disrespecting yourself and not looking after yourself.
One of the most important factors in getting through a busy life with a healthy and happy mindset is the quality time that you put to one side just for you.
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Personal growth can really only happen by having gone through some sort of pain, some bad experience.
Living inside our comfort zones gets us nowhere unfortunately.
What we need though, is the right mindset so that those bad experiences push us forward, not hold us back.
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Today's bonus episode is all about Commitment and why it's so important when it comes to personal development.
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Today's is a follow up from the last couple of Friday episodes and is about how we can regulate our emotions when we're overwhelmed.
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It's often said that there are 3 types of perfectionism. Self-Oriented Perfectionism, Other-Oriented Perfectionism and Socially Prescribed Perfectionism. Let's take a peek into them shall we?
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Ever heard of Sensory Processing Sensitivity?
It's a neurological trait that means that one in 6 people have super duper processing abilities of all of their experiences. Sounds like a superpower doesn't it?
Some with it don't always think so though.
Take the test
https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
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Not everyone likes labels when it comes to mental health issues, but for some people it can be quite reassuring to be told that their reactions to the world are so common that we even have a name for it. So today I'm giving you a very brief introduction to what we call Personality Disorders.
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If you had all the time in the world, what would you do?
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It's nice to live in the now, I whole heartedly recommend it.
But there's nothing more satisfying in life knowing that you're on a journey and you have a game plan.
Some sort of focus on a direction.
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I have a couple of catchphrases, or if you ask my wife I repeat myself a lot and can be boring and predictable, either way you'll often hear me say one particular phrase.
"The brain can't separate fact from fiction."
If you've got this far through my Podcast series and not heard me say that then I must boring after all because you clearly fell asleep, because I say it a lot. And for good reason.
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Cognitive Distortions are the thinking traps where our mind convinces us of something that isn't actually true.
Once habitual and almost a part of our personality, they can very often start the ball rolling for depression and anxiety.
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To some people the idea of a walk in the park is exactly that.
A walk in the park.
To someone else though, it's a minimum of 7 out of 10 on the "I feel like something horrible is about to happen" scale.
Everyone has their own unique way of feeling and reacting and will need a unique reaction from you too.
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Do you love yourself?
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For many, anxiety is all about being vulnerable to the possibility of rejection.
It's normal for our brain to seek out the things that we fear and to notice dangerous possibilities. But for those with bad experiences they may have been primed from an early age to expect rejection by default.
Because of this their brain is going to start perceiving rejection everywhere.
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Gratitude, even about the simpler things in life, helps to dilute down the frustrations about the annoying things. But it's not always easy to find reasons to be grateful is it?
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Bit of a psychological education episode today all about our decision making and how our emotions can influence it.
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Something that I think is important to bear in mind about making decisions is the unavoidable truth that you will at some point make a mistake.
We need to be ok with that.
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In order to figure out the best ways to regulate emotions, Psychologists need to find ways of creating the emotions in the first place.
Today we're going to look how to do that and why it's worth it.
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Trauma is as close to a disability as you can get without being given a blue badge.
It paralyses people. Trauma genuinely alters the brain so much that people have to develop ways of living with it that end up creating behaviours and attitudes that can be dangerous.
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When I made an episode recently about quietening the mind specifically for sleep, I got a few messages from listeners saying "That's all well and good but what about quietening it down the rest of the time?"
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Seeing as it's Spring, not that you'd know it shakes fist at the clouds a time for having a good old clear out.
I thought I'd revisit an old topic and talk about the psychology of stuff this week.
In particular the way our brain can get very confused.
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There are times when our brain just can't seem to switch off.
Today we go through some ways to help you with that and hopefully get some good quality rest.
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I think of assertiveness as a skill as much as anything.
I guess we can think it as a personality trait but it involves behaviours. Self directed behaviours with an end goal in mind. A goal of establishing boundaries and setting expectations.
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Anhedonia is a symptom of many problems where the brain simply doesn't allow pleasure to exist.
Often described as "An array of deficits in hedonic function" Anhedonia will even switch pleasure seeking off. Because there's no point in trying to do anything pleasurable because it doesn't make you feel any better anyway.
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"Awe" tends to be defined as the emotion we experience when encountering something with such perceived vastness that our brain might find it hard to comprehend how it can exist.
Being "awed" by an experience can have some surprisingly powerful, positive effects on us.
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Someone asked me recently what the difference is between meditation, mindfulness and hypnosis. So I thought I'd go into it a little today and encourage you to take some mindful moments to train your brain.
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Because mental health problems are invisible they aren't talked about in quite the same way as physical health problems. But there may be people in your life that need to talk about their mental health. You might need to talk too.
So how do we do that?
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Kindness is often linked with better mental health. It helps us to feel connected to others, creates a sense of belonging and reduces isolation.
But I say there's a time and a place for it, and it might not be now and it might start closer to home.
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Sometimes our urge to procrastinate is because we're overwhelmed with everything and we need rest.
Other times we're just being lazy!
Today we explore a little about how to tell the difference.
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This mornings episode is about having a "growth" mindset vs a "fixed" mindset.
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Are we ALL entitled to an opinion?
Am I really worth L'Oreal's products?
All these questions and more on this weeks exciting instalment!
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In his "Letter from Birmingham Jail" in 1963, Martin Luther King wrote "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."
Meaning that if you feel disappointed it's only because you care about something.
I think it's worth exploring this a little more.
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Often people will talk about the need to disappear away for a bit to "find themselves" when actually they already knew where they were they just didn't "know" themselves.
Well, maybe we don't need to climb a mountain or hide in a retreat for a week to do this. Maybe we can get to really know ourselves a little bit more every day until we're fully clued up.
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A lot of stress comes down to perception.
Perception of our abilities compared to the perception of the problem. If we don't perceive we have the resources to achieve something, then it hampers our ability to think and concentrate and we feel like we're drowning.
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For a lot of people the bed and sleep is something to look forward to. A peaceful place for relaxation.
But not for everyone!
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Today is all about extraversion, the opposite end of the scale to introversion.
Or is it?
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An increase in distress around the anniversary of a traumatic event is often called an anniversary reaction.
It can range from feeling mildly upset for a day or two to more extreme reactions where someone experiences significant psychiatric or even medical symptoms.
The good news is that we know when it's coming!
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Does venting your frustrations make you feel better?
Turns out, not so much. No.
So what we can we do instead?
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When "future you" doesn't even exist, it can be really hard to stick to your plan in the "now" to ensure that future you gets their needs met.
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Dealing with people who feel and act entitled can create a ripple effect through our days that can spoil our life.
It can make you feel controlled, manipulated and guilty. So today we're going to take a look at entitlement and how to deal with it in others and in ourselves.
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Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?
I wonder if the difference between being lucky and unlucky is not necessarily what happens to you but more how you think about it.
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When the oceans are filling with plastic, the cost of living is high and everyone seems to hate each other it's not easy to be the optimist and promote happiness.
So what can we do?
https://www.dailygood.org/
https://www.good.is/
https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/
https://happynews.com/
https://www.huffpost.com/impact/topic/good-news
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You don't need to be a therapist to find that being a good listener can be helpful. Listening is one half of ALL good communication.
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There are always going to be things that go on in life that test our patience. Traffic lights, drive time congestion, demanding children, demanding friends. It's good to try and get a better perspective if you can
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If you didn't already know, the patriarchy still exists I'm sorry to say. Women are still having a hard time of things compared to men. But there seems to be an issue in creating equality.
Men don't seem to like it!
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Back in 1995 when britpop ruled the charts and the UN designated it The United Nations Year for Tolerance, British Telecom started a friends and family service to make it cheaper to call a handful of your favourite people with the slogan It's Good To Talk.
Everyone agreed.
Hopefully we do still think that, don't we?
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"Comparison is the thief of joy" said Theodore Roosevelt over a hundred years ago.
He knew it then and we all still know it now. But do we actually remember that when the time comes?
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The dictionary defines "to forgive" as this: Verb. To stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw, or mistake.
But language evolves. And maybe, to you, forgive and forget doesn't mean letting go of something so as to feel better. It means forgive the abuser and forget the victim. And it shouldn't.
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Hello listeners I have a special bonus episode for you today!
I was recently contacted by TV legend Andrea Mclean. Andrea has been working in the media for years but recently made the decision to take her life in a different direction and created an online community called This Girl Is On Fire all about personal growth.
This week is the launch of an App that accompanies it and so I thought it would be nice to get her on the podcast to talk a little bit about it.
I hope you find what we say useful!
https://andreamclean.com/
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Worrying about what people think is a common issue.
Almost everyone comes into therapy with some aspect of this. It's worth drilling down on who we actually mean though, when we say to ourselves that we worry what "other people" think.
Who are these anonymous other people?
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Because of what's called neurodiversity everyone's brain responds differently to stimulation.
Whether that's environmental or chemical stimulation.
Today's episode is about thriving in a stimulating world when our brain is sensitive to it.
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Following up on the recent Therapy Natters episode about self-esteem I thought I'd scratch the surface on taking things personally this week.
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Today is all about losing concentration, procrastinating and the reason why to be at your best you need to rest makes so much sense.
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Situational anxiety is different to a generalised anxiety and needs working with in a slightly more "cognitive" way.
Today I talk about how to deal with some specific events that may be coming up in your life.
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Did you know that after experiencing a negative stimulus in order to get your emotional state back to where it was before hand you need at least 4 experiences of something positive to erase the effects of that one experience of something negative?
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When it feels as if the world is falling apart, our instincts can kick in to try and protect us by creating an urge to control as much as we can.
The thing is many of life's challenges are outside of our control anyway. Today we explore how to handle things when life feels out of control.
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Emotions can overwhelm is to such a degree sometimes that we feel completely out of control. Complete rage or total panic.
How we handle those sorts of situations is going to be different for everyone, but maybe there are a few ways that you can learn about today.
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Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher is quoted as once saying "Everything changes and nothing remains still. You cannot step twice into the same stream" I think he probably got the idea from Heraclitus who said “The only constant in life is change”
So even 2 and a half thousand years ago we knew what we were up against. That change is normal and needs to be accepted.
But that doesn't make it any easier when big things happen does it?
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Love it or hate it, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas isn't it?
Unfortunately for a lot of folk, the people we might be expected to spend time with are not always the people whose company we enjoy.
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Although we often use it to also mean envious, jealousy is the feeling of losing something to someone else. Particularly when it comes to partners or close friends.
Today's episode is all about exploring what's really going on when we feel jealous.
Lily O'Farrell on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/CRhFKL_IagM/
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What does a hypno-psychotherapy conference, The Rocky Horror Show and football shirts all have in common?
These are all areas where we can feel a sense of belonging.
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If you're not at your best or you think you have room for improvement, then this episode is about helping you to figure out what's stopping you.
Maybe it's down to expectations, your beliefs, your self esteem, maybe fear.
Whatever it is look into it, figure it out, work out what makes you tick so that you can see what's holding you back.
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A lot of people think of affirmations as the key to their success. Either because they're tapping in to some collective unconscious or simply inspiring their own unconscious.
Today we'll explore that a little.
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Do emotions actually exist? Or are they just a psychological construct based on past experiences?
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It's been a lonely 18 months for a lot of us. But even before Covid there were plenty of people saying that they were lonely and didn't have many opportunities to connect with people.
Recent research suggests that as many as a third of us have literally nobody that we would class as a close friend.
It would be nice to do something about that!
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It's July!
We're exactly half way through the year and how are your New Years resolutions going?
I ask because enough time has gone by for any resolutions you might have made in January to have fallen by the wayside.
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When living in a society that's full of body shaming the pressure to lose weight can encourage some very bad habits and ideas.
Let's explore them.
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In 1974 Herbert Freudenberger came up with a term that he defined as “the extinction of motivation or incentive, especially where one's devotion to a cause or relationship fails to produce the desired results.”
He called it "Burnout" and is a different sort of stress to what we might normally think of.
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Imagine a therapy that had no known side effects, was readily available, and could improve your cognitive functioning at zero cost. Such a therapy has been known to philosophers, writers, and lay people alike: interacting with nature.
Nick Ray
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/nick_lifeafloat/
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Astrid Tontson
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I've talked a lot in the past about the need to control thoughts using distractions and deliberate, forced thinking in order to create a more positive mindset. But I think it's crucial to recognise the importance of accepting our thoughts too.
Humans tend to gravitate towards the things we fear and if we fear our own thoughts then a part of us deep inside might even feel the need to focus more on them. It's as if the more we think about something the more we understand it. And the more we understand it the more control we have over it. Which is probably true if it's a tiger in the jungle but not when the thing we fear is internal, our own anxiety for example.
Worrying about what makes us anxious rarely gives us any extra understanding of it. So sometimes we do need to accept our thoughts, just with a better perspective.
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People often frown upon daydreaming as being unproductive yet at the same time many others suggest that it improves creativity. Why the dichotomy?
Let's have dive into daydreaming and see what we can find!
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I'm sure you've heard the phrase "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" but I wonder if there needs to be a bit more to that.
Well, that's what I want to talk about today.
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Michelle Thomas is an author and podcaster. She's written for The Guardian, The Independent, Stylist, Standard Issue the list goes on.
And on top of that she also wrote a book inspired by her experiences of depression called My Shit Therapist: & Other Mental Health Stories.
I'm sure you'll both enjoy and appreciate what she has to share with you.
My Shit Therapist Book https://amzn.to/3pNqipX
My Shit Therapist Podcast https://audioboom.com/channels/5028096
Michelle on Twitter https://twitter.com/michelletomos
Michelle on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/msmthomas
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Whatever your goals are it's fair to say that reaching them won't happen by accident or through luck.
Luck might have a small part to play. But what are the chances that it's the only part when compared to the effects of the deliberate action that you take yourself?
Deliberate action wins any day I'd say.
So to do that there are some basic principles that you might need to follow so as to help you on your way and they don't involve starting tomorrow. They involve the present moment, right now.
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Matt Elswood is a Chief Pharmacist specialising in mental health pharmaceuticals at Nottinghamshire Healthcare Trust.
As well as being an Associate Professor at the University of Nottingham he's also a really nice guy with a lot of interesting things to share with us.
Enjoy
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Many self help and personal development books (my own included) will talk about the importance of gratitude as a way of boosting happiness and wellbeing.
Today we explore it in a little more detail.
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Seeing as it's Christmas Day I thought I'd share this with you.
This is a story I wrote in 2015 but you maybe missed it the first time round.
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I wrote this story back in 2014 but as my listeners have doubled since then it's likely that you missed this the first time round.
So I thought I'd republish it.
I hope you enjoy it.
Merry Christmas folks!
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It's another bonus guest episode and this time it's the turn of stand up comedian and author Robin Ince.
We talk about intrusive thoughts, stage fright and why we all need therapy.
https://robinince.com/
https://twitter.com/robinince
https://www.instagram.com/robinince1969/
Read his books.
https://amzn.to/34pRtyw
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Today's bonus episode is with neuroscientist, stand up comedian and author Dean Burnett.
We chat about toxic positivity, emotional processing, addiction and many other things besides.
Have a listen and you can find more about Dean on his website https://www.deanburnett.com or follow him on social media at:-
Twitter https://twitter.com/garwboy
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/DeanBurnettAuthor
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/garwboy
Read his books
The Idiot Brain https://amzn.to/33YzKxX
The Happy Brain https://amzn.to/3gugzkt
Why Your Parents Are Driving You Up the Wall and What To Do About It https://amzn.to/2LajTFN
Psycho-logical https://amzn.to/3oG95xP
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Everyone needs something different when they're going through mental health difficulties. But there are definitely a few Do's and Don'ts.
Samaritans UK
116 123
www.samaritans.org
Sane UK
0300 304 7000
www.sane.org.uk
Mind
0300 123 3393
86463
www.mind.org.uk
Shout
Text: 85258
www.giveusashout.org
Find A Therapist
UKCP
BACP
Counselling Directory
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Matt Rudd is a senior writer at the Sunday Times, he's a published author of both fiction and non fiction.
His latest book Man Down: Why Men Are Unhappy and What We Can Do About It, is out now. I read it the day it came out and thought he had some great things to share with you and so I invited him onto the show for a chat.
Man Down: https://amzn.to/347nLxb
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There can be many reasons why we get blocked from achieving our goals. Today I'm going to explore a few of them.
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Continuing the trend of a bonus episode in the middle of the month. This month I chatted with Professor Sophie Scott CBE.
Sophie is a neuroscientist working at University College London. She's a Fellow of the Academy of Medical Sciences, has presented the Royal Institutions Christmas Lectures and has been on multiple TV and Radio programs over the years talking about the neuroscience of laughter.
I hope you enjoy what she has to say.
Sophie on YouTube
Sophie's Instagram
Sophie on Twitter
The Neuromantics Podcast
Sophie's Christmas Lectures at The Royal Institution
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Avoiding conflict can influence the big things in life as well as the small things. It's why people split up over text rather than actually deal with a relationship problem face to face. And if you've ever had a huge sense of relief if you ring someone about a problem and their phone goes to voicemail, you'll know what I mean.
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Recently I had the pleasure of chatting with the broadcaster and author Radha Modgil.
As well as being a familiar face and voice on various BBC TV and radio shows Radha is also a practising GP with a very special interest in emotional wellbeing.
https://drradha.co.uk/
https://twitter.com/drradhamodgil
https://www.instagram.com/dr_radha
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With some enthusiasm we can go from dragging our feet and saying how tired we are to suddenly being alert and awake. But whether it's about scripting a podcast episode or going for a run, it's really easy to say to ourselves "I don't feel like it" and if your energy levels have dropped it's definitely worth looking into why.
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Whether it's because of tempting treats in your cupboard, the opportunity to play at online roulette or trying to push away thoughts that we don't like. Sometimes our brain works against us rather than for us and leads us down paths we were deliberately trying to avoid.
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Today's episode is a bit of a deep dive into racism, in response to the recent Black Lives Matter movement that has been gaining greater traction throughout the world this month.
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Part 4 of a 4 part series taken from May's live stream that will run through June.
All about our inner dialogue.
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Part 3 of a 4 part series taken from May's live stream that will run through June.
All about our inner dialogue.
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Part 2 of a 4 part series taken from May's live stream that will run through June.
All about our inner dialogue.
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Part 1 of a 4 part series taken from May's live stream that will run through June.
All about our inner dialogue.
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Why can seemingly intelligent people believe myths that have no evidence to support them?
Put on your tin foil hat and let's find out shall we.
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Confidence can be a tricky subject to talk about because its so big and ambiguous. What is confidence to one person is arrogance to someone else. Also, someone can be confident but still be anxious in certain situations, so it's even hard to define it really.
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I've had a lot of messages from listeners asking for mental health advice during all this Coronavirus craziness.
It's on every website, every news channel. Every conversation you overhear in a shop. It's on everyones minds and so it should be...to a degree.Become a patron of the podcast!
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Question: When is an Eagle not an Eagle?
Answer: When it thinks it's a Chicken.Despite being an Eagle, if you think you're a Chicken can you really fly above everyone?
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Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Or as Albert Einstein once said "He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed."
Today is all about my 5 tips on a more enthusiastic life! That and a massive rant at the end about mental health priorities in government policy making, sorry!
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Despite New Year being a time associated with making changes, today I want to talk about what seems at first like the opposite of change.
Although it might still be a change, and might even be the best one you could ever make. Because there are surprising benefits that come from accepting yourself as you are, in making the decision to not changing and instead enjoying being you in the first place.
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Today is all about having meaning and purpose to your life, something that crops up a lot in emails from listeners and definitely comes up in the therapy room. Become a patron of the podcast!
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Over the last couple of years I've had a few messages from listeners about their fear of an uncertain future, and it's cropped up in the consulting room quite a lot too.
One thing that has been a big cause of it has been Brexit. Not knowing whether something about your future is going to be easier, more difficult, or exactly the same isn't helpful.
We like routines, our brain loves the idea that tomorrow is going to be the same as yesterday. If we're alive today then yesterday must have been safe and so our instincts want tomorrow to be the same. And life just isn't like that. Become a patron of the podcast!
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October 10th is World Mental Health Day, and this years focus is on suicide prevention.
Suicide is twice as common as Homicide and is the second biggest cause of death in people under 30.
In todays episode I hope to provide some insight into how to spot suicidal ideation in friends and family, and hopefully open up some conversations so as to prevent the worst happening.Samaritans UK
116 123
www.samaritans.org
Sane UK
0300 304 7000
www.sane.org.uk
Mind
0300 123 3393
86463
www.mind.org.uk
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One question that I get asked quite often is "What's the difference between a fear and a phobia?"
In short, a fear of something is fairly rational, even if we might think that there's no need for us to fear it, the fear still makes some sense. If someone has a fear of public speaking that makes sense, although what there probably fearing is rejection from their peers but it still makes sense.
Whereas a phobia...
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Ever heard of The looking-glass self?
The looking-glass self is a concept created by sociologist Charles Horton Cooley back in 1902. It states that rather than a person's sense of self growing out of their own internal perceptions it instead grows out of the interactions with and the perceptions of other people.
In a nutshell it can be summed up with the following phrase “I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am.”
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Nudging and avoiding a nudge is quite important. If you've never heard that phrase outside of a Monty Python sketch you will do now. Because to nudge, in psychology, means to subtly influence someones behaviour, often without them being aware of it, by altering the environment slightly and is surprisingly successful. Become a patron of the podcast!
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Introversion has been on my mind a lot lately as I've had quite a few clients who are introverts but don't fully understand it and think that there's something wrong with them.
So today I want to go into a bit of detail about introversion to help you understand yourself better if you are one, and help you to understand others better if you're not.
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This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and because of that I have an extra episode this month for you!
I met up with Bobby Temps today of The Mental Podcast to talk about what we can all do to begin the process of destigmatising mental health.
He's a great guy, have a listen.
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Podcast https://www.mentalpodcast.co.uk/
Petition https://www.change.org/p/make-mental-health-education-mandatory-in-all-schools
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I've been thinking about this topic for a long time and I've been a bit wary of talking about it because what I mean by "it's the thought that counts" is that it's our own thinking that counts towards whether an experience is a good one a bad one or simply just is.
And with some really quite extreme situations too. But I don't want it to come across as if it's our own fault if we feel bad because something happened to us. It belittles someones experiences to say "Oh you're traumatised are you? Try thinking differently about it!" Because that's not quite how the brain works.
Dr Shan Hussain - Enduring Health Podcast https://apple.co/2FRt2Ah
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Regularly clients will tell me that they've had frightening bizarre thoughts, sometimes about hurting, or even killing, someone that they care about.
Odd as it may seem this is something that everyone experiences, but it doesn't really get talked about for fear of other people thinking we're strange or even dangerous. So I want to put your mind at rest that if you have thoughts like this, you need to remember that they're just thoughts, they're not reality.
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If you Google the words "how to be more productive" you get 187 million results. Interestingly that's the same number of results as "how to learn Romanian." And although everyone learns in different ways we all know the answer to both of those questions.
If you want to learn a new language, you need to read it, listen to it and absorb it until you understand it. And the key to that is simply to practise.
And the answer to how to get more things done is simply to "do more things."
But is everything really that easy?
Can it be so black and white?
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It's often said that optimism isn't all it's cracked up to be. That expecting the best only leads to disappointment, and I can understand why but I think it's important to see the difference between expectations and goals.
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It's a new year!
And for a hypnotherapist who specialises in helping people to make changes in their life people will often say to me things like "I bet you'll be busy at work in January then, all the New Years resolutions."
Yet, it's nothing like February, when all those that have tried to make some changes are a month in and can feel themselves giving up and need help.
Which raises questions doesn't it? Because if the changes you make are something you actually want, then why would we feel like giving up?
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Have you ever met someone with a wooden leg? Not a real wooden leg, but a metaphorical one?
In the 60’s, a psychiatrist called Eric Berne, turned some common problematic psychological processes into what he called “Games People Play” One of which he called the wooden leg game.
Imagine a man with a wooden leg who has used it as an explanation for why his life is unfulfilled all of his life, he would often say “If it wasn’t for this wooden leg, I could have been an athlete.” Or when he complains that he’s unemployed he says “What do you expect from a guy with one leg?”
The wooden leg game can hold us back from enjoying life and feeling fulfilled, and there are many things that can be your wooden leg. People will say...
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Depression is a huge topic. It’s a big problem in the 21st Century and to try and understand it by listening to a single podcast episode probably isn’t going to be enough.
Even 4 years at medical school wouldn’t do that.
But I hope that with today’s episode I can help you to gain a bit of extra insight into it and I encourage you to read up on it if it’s something that you feel you need to understand more about.
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Imagine you're invited to a friend’s house for a party and you find yourself chatting to a total stranger. If they were to say to you "So, what do you do?" What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Go on, what do you do? Do you swim? do you play cricket? Do you party?
Of course, we all know that what they really mean is "What do you do for a living?" It may well be simply small talk just to get a conversation going but what someone does for a living is the usually the first place people tend to go when learning about someone else. And I think it's worth questioning whether that’s appropriate, because there's more to us than our job.
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Many people feel a need to be unique, to be different from everyone else but that shouldn’t be at the expense of our sense of belonging. If we’re missing belongingness in our life then we can often feel as if we’re insignificant, unimportant and may as well crawl under a rock to die. Sure, be different, your life is your own, and any self esteem boost you get from your uniqueness can be used to help you recognise that actually, we’re all different, we’re all unique.
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Is there something you want to achieve that you know is going to take a while? Maybe something that has many steps, such as getting fitter or writing a dissertation?
If so then you need to be aware that doing anything that brings you closer to the end result is better than doing nothing at all. That might seem obvious, but it’s not uncommon for people to be really hard on ourselves for not putting in maximum effort.
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Despite their setbacks and failures some people seem to have the ability to brush things off and bounce back almost stronger than before, they seem to have a grit and determination not to let bad experiences affect them. Is this something than can be learned?
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If we’ve hurt someone then I think it’s probably healthy to feel bad about it, to wish that we’d behaved differently and to want to make amends.
But what isn’t healthy is continually beating yourself up over it or to think of yourself as a bad person because of what happened. Feeling bad because you hurt someone is guilt. But feeling as if you’re a bad person is shame, and they’re a bit different.
Guilt you can do something with, you can learn from it. You can apologise, make amends and move on. But shame? There’s not really anywhere to go with that, and I think it’s important that we recognise that good people can do bad things, just like bad people can do good things.
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Did you know that if you're physically tired then you will estimate hills as steeper than they actually are? And that a place in the distance is further away? But did you also know that it's not just our physical resources that influence our perception of the world?
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There’s an annoying quirk to our psychology that means we can easily be drawn towards the exact thing that we’re trying to avoid, as the old saying goes 'be careful what you look for, because you just might find it.' Because the alternative means that you might have made yourself part of the problem, rather than the solution.
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Making decisions can be hard, and not just with the big things in life.
Sometimes even things that should be insignificant in the grand scheme of things can paralyse us. So how do we get around it?
Todays episode is about just that. Getting a better perspective on these things and even the bigger ones too.
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Although I’m not a relationship coach or a couple therapist a lot of clients will come to one to one therapy and discuss their relationships, with many of them saying things such as “I don’t know what a real relationship is supposed to feel like!”
I think that in a society that looks at so many things in life as disposable it can be very hard to think of something in your life as permanent, and may even be a bit scary for a lot of people. Which is why so many clients say to me that they feel trapped when they’re in a relationship yet they feel lonely and insignificant when they’re not.
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I was asked in an interview recently that if I had to choose one thing, what would I say is the most effective way of boosting happiness?
In order to answer it I needed to think about all the concepts and exercises that I wrote about in my book to see if there was a common ingredient or theme. What I found is that pretty much everything I wrote about needed a foundation of appreciation, of gratitude in order for them to be of any help.
So what do I mean exactly by gratitude?
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Have a think about the following question for a moment.
“Please imagine a ladder with steps numbered from zero at the bottom to 10 at the top. Suppose we say that the top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you, and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally feel you stand at this time, assuming that the higher the step the better you feel about your life, and the lower the step the worse you feel about it? Which step comes closest to the way you feel?”
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When someone says Be a man, what do you think of?
Act tough?
Don't cry?
Or do you think manning up means to take responsibility for your emotions or accept mistakes and move on?
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It might sound daft to some people but gloomy weather does have an impact on our mental health. If its grey on the outside we can easily slip into a grey on the inside feeling, which leads to behaviour that might makes things worse, hiding away from everyone and refusing to leave the so called comforts of home…
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The one thing everyone has in common is that we will all in some way be touched by death, whether it’s thoughts about our own demise, or having to deal with someone else’s.
And what’s really important to understand, whether you’re trying to be a supporting friend or you’re a grieving widow, it’s important to understand the rules of grieving, of which there is only one…
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Last week I noticed that my Sky TV hard drive box was getting full. There were a lot of satirical news programmes that I hadn’t watched and they were probably out of date. There were documentaries about topics that if I was really that interested in I’d have watched them by now. And it made me question why I’d set them to record in the first place.
The conclusion I came to was that it was FOMO.
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Clients will often tell me that they feel overwhelmed with even the simple things in life, their house is a mess and they just don’t know where to start putting it right.
They feel that there’s so much to do that it’s easier to just do nothing and watch everything gather dust, further contributing to their depression and self esteem issues.
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Last week Ant McPartlin spoke out about his struggles with Depression and Anxiety. Making it public because he thinks that it’s important that people going through a rough time ask for help so as to get proper treatment. Great! But he followed it by also saying 'I feel like I have let a lot of people down and for that I am truly sorry.' That’s the part I didn’t like, because...
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When I woke up on Tuesday morning last week I thought the worst thing that had happened was that Roger Moore had died.
Turns out he wasn’t on his own as on Monday evening a bomb had been detonated at a concert in Manchester killing 22 people, 7 of them children.
Tuesday became a day of mourning, not just in Manchester, but throughout the UK and all over world.
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Being British it’s always a pleasure to see a bit of sunshine, especially this time of year when it’s unexpected, and a few weeks ago we had a weekend where the sun shone and the temperature was the same as it is in the summer.
And, whilst relaxing and watching my son bounce on a trampoline in the garden my wife said to me “If it was always like this, people would be a lot happier.”
My instincts were to agree and I started to nod my head in agreement before stepping back and thinking about it first.
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