Grief House - Portals: Recent Episodes
Sascha Demerjian & Laura Green
An ongoing exploration of the complexity of being human, through monthly conversations about trust, loss, feelings and perspective.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about the concept of refugia - protected spaces creatures can survive during periods of destructive havoc - the importance of diversity and how we might tend each other during times of flood.
Like a sack full of gifts proffered by a stranger sitting on a folding chair at a club you don't quite understand, this episode is a grab bag of random things you may or may not need or want offered without rhyme or reason.
There's dreams about death, poop on a bed, mammograms, top-less fort building and, as always, Sascha's and my deep appreciation for our friendship. If you get something you don't like, you can always re-gift it. We won't mind one bit.
In this episode I talk with Chelsea Biagioli, host of Talk To The hand - Exploring Grief with Puppets, about how she incorporates play into her grief practice.
We share stories of childhood play - potions, spells, and waiting for the make-believe world to come into focus - and how our play changed as we grew up. We wonder about the value of spending time in imaginary worlds, what it prepares us for, what we lose when we think of it as frivolous and how colonial capitalism benefits from a world that leaves make believe behind. We decide to stay devoted to play and to invite as many beings as we can into our fort.
Want to join us? Want to come out and play?
In this episode Sascha and I explore what it's like to interact with reality mediated by different kinds of brains.
We realized that one good way to describe our current experience is this: Sascha is a potion mage and I am a potion. This feels just right to me. I revel in her jars and shelves, feel grateful for my tremendous luck this time around and move off in the world more self aware and oriented.
Along the way we discuss lions and panthers, spiders and iguanas, orb creatures, horses and Melon bank.
We hope you find some expansiveness in this romp through a few of the endless ways to be consciously incarnate.
In this episode Laura and I talk about the importance of play and a reminder that everything ends anyway, so perhaps let's open ourselves up to play and creation.
We talk about the beautiful humming that can arise with the serious work that is play. We talk about insights gained from playing with Kate Drummond of The Energetic Heart, The Little Feminist Farm in Georgia, and Working Class Acupuncture in Portland, among others.
We play in real time with ideas about silent long-houses, sandwiches, meet ups for future fictive kin, and hammock groves.
In this episode Sascha and I look at vigils, vigilance and hyper-vigilance. We consider how each state shows up in our lives and how they interact with each other. We offer personal stories and learn a little more about each other.
In this episode Sascha and I throw structure to the wind and invite you into friendship chatting about vigilance and loss.
We discuss: outrage at day spas, prairie dogs, non-aquatic anemones, aikido and how it feels when we open the door to our pain and fear, and try to move and roll with it.
Maybe this structure demonstrates one of the antidotes for hyper-vigilance: what comes when we feel deeply safe and therefore free to follow each other down whichever paths open up as far as they allow, then turn off or circle back and end up somewhere, though nowhere we intended.
In the end we both like what we've found along the path and how our feet and hearts feel from the wandering. We hope you'll come along and maybe see sometime worth picking up along the way.
In this episode Sascha and I discuss forts made from: sheets, refrigerator boxes, Vanderbuilt University, teacher's desks, Jim Smith, jungle gyms and each other.
We wonder about the value of a dedicated practice of fort building. What (we query) are we training for when we build realities from make-believe? What more when we built them alongside other creatures? And when we invite in guests, then what? And when we accept each other's invitations? What does a life set in undocumented realms offer in contrast to one lived inside the reach of official maps?
We answer none of these questions, but feel glad that we live in forts linked to forts linked to forts; glad that for the welcome and the company and for this big Grief House fort we make with all of you.
On this episode of the podcast, Sascha talks with Kate Drummond of The Energetic Heart and About Play in Atlanta to learn more about her journey and discuss reality as it relates to regulation.
They agree that emotional regulation does not equal submission, doesn't mean entering a non feeling place and doesn't require us to forfeit anger but, rather, offers stable access to deep feelings and the ability to respond rather than react to stimuli.
Sascha and Kate talk about how to move toward this aware and sturdy place when you live in a world that is chronically disregulated and reflect on how salient and helpful it feels to do this work in good company, given the degree to which we are bombarded with stimuli today.
You can join both Sascha & Kate at their upcoming offering Finding Ease in Times of Struggle (offering release and regulation support) in Atlanta beginning April 14th.
In this episode of the podcast Sascha and I discuss the nature of reality.
We consider the practical appeal of living inside a consensus reality, the value of remembering that real doesn't mean absolute and what it's like when truth we've relied on cracks apart to reveal who-knows-what swirling underneath.
We look at examples from our lives of ways grief offered glimpses into layers of reality we weren't expecting, like and don't like the way that makes us feel and wonder at what kind of shimmering endlessness we might be swimming in.
We are thrilled to share our first community stories episode.
We look forward to weaving and sharing the experiences of our grief house community members.
Our theme this month is perspective and reality - the conversations on this episode explore how grief can change our experience of the world around us.
Today’s stories are shared by Jamie, Alex, Edith and Morgan. They were recorded at the Portland Grief House during our Art & Medicine fair and at a Compassionate Death Companion gathering.
We hope to offer one community episode each month. We'll be sending out information about upcoming themes, in-person recording dates in Portland and Atlanta and ways folks in other places can send us their stories.
Check out our Patreon page for more stories, writing and meditation prompts and other offerings.
Find out more about the folks on this episode below:
Jamie Thrower - End of Life Doula and Educator.
Alexandrea Wilson - counselor, death worker, Grief House board member.
Edith - griever
Morgan Fava - Death Doula
In this special episode I talk with Serena Trexler about her experiences as a death care worker, death rights advocate and green death/human composting engineer.
We Discuss Serena's personal relationship with the dead and their bodies (curious, honored to know them, not afraid) in contrast to many people's relationship with the dead (closed off, hopeful they won't be near, quite afraid). We explore the possibilities that open up when there isn't a requirement for fear of death and what might change if we had communities that supported us as we explored this universal, unavoidable part of our cycle. We discuss the biology of returning to the earth and the ways human's bodies might be used to heal wounds we've cause in our ecosystem.
I feel amazement about Serena, incredible good luck to know her, and hope about what might come from this particular moment she's spending incarnate.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about webs.
We ponder the way they are spun from hunger and instinct. How hope weaves a web, how death works in the weaving. We consider the web from a spider's perspective - how they never see the full scope of their work. We wonder about how we might weave well, where we are. We talk about our mothers and our fathers - the webs they wove for us, the nourishment they offered. We talk about the web from the perspective of the fly.
We end with a story about the ways we might weave webs that bring food for each other, without ever knowing and gratitude for the ones who have woven us into this strange, sparkling strength we're a part of today.
In this episode, Sascha and I try to put our fingers on the ache inside beginnings. We wonder about the way life grows out of death, how joy grows alongside sorrow, and whether anything ever really starts for the first time.
In an act of cunning metaphor, we take a while to get rolling with this episode. Eventually, inside our large meandering, we make a circle that comes round in a way that feels complete to us (and hopefully to you).
In this episode Sascha and I contemplate miracles, reality and how the two things intersect.
We discuss: my father's death and the dog miracles that came in its wake,
the delusion/magic weaving Sascha's mother practiced in her life, what sky diving might teach us about the nature of reality, how one might work at miracles, whether a tendency toward miracles can me spread, caught or learned and what to do with mysterious luck.
In the end, we feel (as always) grateful for the miracle of each other and all of you.
In this episode Sascha and I talk with Poet (And Grief House board member and collaborator) Krystle May Statler about her brother BJ and her life with and without him since his murder in 2019 by the Inglewood police.
We consider what it means to suffer deep injury that can't be explained or relieved, how complicated grief can lead to isolation and the way poetry might help weave a story that can't be forced into linear narrative into something true that can be held and shared.
_________
Krystle May Statler (she/her) is a Black-multiracial artist living in Portland, OR and is the author of Prayer for Relief (2024). Her poems are featured in Poetry South, Epiphany Magazine, Fugue, Sixfold, Beyond Words Literary Magazine, Poetry From Instructions, poetry.onl, 1455’s Movable Type, and Cultural Weekly. When she’s not artisting or designing books, Krystle can be found volunteering with The Grief House as the Fundraising Board Chair and Epiphany Magazine as a poetry reader, working as the Director of Operations at The Pathfinder Network, or nurturing life in Portland with her partner Kevin, their plant babies, and oodles of loved ones.
You can follow Krystle’s work online at krystlemaystatler.com and/or on Instagram at @2kay1. You can order her collection of poems, Prayer for Relief, here.
In this special episode Sascha sits down and talks with Jojo Donovan about trust and invitations. Jojo is good and wise and kind and perfect, as we find her always. Sascha (who is also good and kind and wise and perfect) feels lucky to be in a circle with jojo and the magic she pulls.
You can follow Jojo's work online at sevenstonestarot.com; on Substack at sevenstonestarot.substack.com; and on Instagram @sevenstonestarot. You can book a Wayfinding session here.
Referenced during the podcast:
"Summons" by Aurora Levins Morales
"Ready," song by Ahlay Blakely. You can learn about Ahlay's offerings at healingattheroots.com
In this episode Sascha and I talk about how it feels to extend and be offered open invitations. We agree that, from both directions, it is simply the best. We try to figure out what makes it possible to do this glorious, simple thing; consider examples from our lives, discuss our siblings, our recent trip to see my family in Mexico, my remarkable Aunt Pipis, and the difficult politics of our country.
As always, we feel lucky to have each other to practice open, endless, unconditional welcoming.
In this episode Sascha and I talk with Heather Dorfman about love, grief, and interconnection. Heather tells us how standing trees send water and nutrients to their fallen family and what that might look like in a thriving human ecosystem. Sascha and I feel amazed at this news, and overjoyed. We reflect on motherhood, mycelium, and how networks of all kinds grow and grieve and grow.
In this episode Sascha and I discuss long-term relationships, letting go and staying connected, distance and persistence. We explore the idea of our selves as stacking dolls and strata of earth, contemplate forever, and devote ourselves to notebooks filled with unsolved equations where love is a known that can't be zeroed out.
In this short episode we explore the roles, burdens and responsibilities of heroes, villains and victims. Sascha tells me I'm not the villain I write myself as in the stories in my head, and I begin to believe her.
In this episode on trust Sascha and I share lessons our mothers taught us about how to fall.
We discuss falling well down flights of stairs, fallen cakes, and Mario Brothers' leap-and-falls. We explore the way lessons are taught in community, and, again, delight in our good luck in falling into each others' lives and hearts.
In this special episode Sascha talks with Cheryl Delany of Bit By Bit Counseling about control, perfectionism, chaos and letting go. They delve into the particular trust fall experiences of non-standard brain chemistry and parenting and the rewards of allowing things to move in uncharted, un-called-for ways.
In part two of this series Sascha and I talk about the concept of fledging more generally: what happens when we're tossed from our nest into inhospitable landscapes? Has the goal always been to send our young ones off to better worlds? What happens when we stayed close and built something complex nearby each other?
We also think about the many ways we've thrown ourselves from nests - the ways we've found ourselves too large and crowded and bravely leaped for spaces that might hold more of us more completely.
The two episodes in this series are a recording of a long conversation Sascha and I had whilst sitting in a mountain house in Georgia. Over coffee and tiny supermarket donuts we talked for (literal) hours about our maternal lines: where our mothers' people came from, the gifts and challenges of their particular nests, how they sent their young ones out into the world. We wonder about fledging - how a strong and functional flock gets formed.
In episode one we go deep into our stories. Included are such topics as: logging camps in Florida, supermarket chains, voyages across the Atlantic and miracles of various types. We welcome you to get to know us, our mothers and our mothers' mothers!
In this episode Sascha and I respond to some frequently asked (and a few unasked) questions about The Grief House.
The sound quality is a little off in this episode. You might ask
Q: Laura, did you chose to record this sitting cross legged in an armchair with your microphone balanced on a pile of books balanced on your lap?
And I would have to answer
A: Yes, I did. At the time I was delighted by how much it made me feel like an otter, but now I see the folly of my ways.
Perhaps imagining me as a misguided otter will help you feel better about how hard it is to hear and understand me in this episode? If not be reassured that Sascha is crystal clear and very worth listening to, and I have every plan to return to my desk next time around!
In this episode, Sascha, Jana DeCristfero and I open a discussion with our death companions about how we might spend our final incarnate moments together.
Being variously acquainted with/inclined toward the idea of death companions that are born alongside us and accompany through mortality teaching and reteaching us ways we might fall into their arms, this experiment plays out a little differently in each of us.
In the end we talk about: shame and guilt, cougars, respectful informality, Sicily and trust. I do not officially sign up to be death-witness for the general public, but do gladly and gratefully accept the position for Sascha's and Jana's deaths. Gladly and gratefully.
In this episode Sascha and I respond to the essay, The Body Of My Mother by Perdita Finn:
*Tell me about your mother’s body. Her hands and her feet, her belly and her breasts. Tell me about her skin and her hair and the color of her eyes. Tell me about her smell—her breath, her underarms, the scent of her when she leaned in close.
In the beginning I do not want to know your grievances with her. Do not tell me, yet, about how she failed you, disappointed you, infuriated you, frightened you. Do not tell me about your relationship with her, much as I know you want to confess and condemn, plead and implore. No, let us leave all that, for now. Tell me about your mother’s body.*
We do.
It feels great.
We hope to do it again and again.
In this very special episode Sascha, Jana and I introduce ourselves and each other to our disappointment creatures. They are a rag-tag crew, but (in my opinion) overall pretty great. I would send them on any number of missions together.
We talk about the utility of disappointment, it's reasons for being, what kinds of disappointment was served up at our various childhood tables, the appropriate age for disappointment to go into private legal practice and what conditions might prompt her to give the courtroom up for a nice, plush couch and some daytime TV. I find out my disappointment could use some plumping up and long quite sincerely for a way to send her to camp with Sascha's and Jana's creatures.
Overall I couldn't be more satisfied with a conversation. This is one of my favorites. Give it a try - I don't think it will disappoint!
In this special episode Sascha, Jana DeCristopharo of the Dougy Center and I search out and approach our wild grief creatures. Some of them are lava monsters, some are trapped behind sliding doors. They are vaporous, shocked, frozen and misunderstood. They grieve death, separation, abandonment and things unknown. They are adrift and anchored and swimming strongly in their own and a big communal river of loss.
We make contact and start up conversations and then wonder about how this work might work in the bigger world.
Featured: The Dougy Center and The Grief House.
Mysteriously Alluded To: Jana's snake haired dream baby.
In this episode Sasha and I tell our love stories with the universe.
When she first caught our eye, our courtship, the rough parts, the different ways we made up and how we feel about each other now. It's a lot like the movie when Harry me Sally but less funny and no scenes in diners.
We'd love you to send us clips from your love stories with the Universe! If you can film yourself sitting on a couch with her, even better.
In this episode (which I accidentally posted unedited the other day, and 14 of you listened to, likely with a feeling of confusion, before Sascha realized what I'd done and fixed it) Sascha and I say I love you to each other, again and again. It makes me feel squirmy joyful and fed and so so so so lucky.
It's a brave experiment - asking someone you know loves to tell you why they love you.
It's not for everyone, but if you ever want to try it, come on over the The House for a grief spill. I've never left one without strong love pooled up inside me for each person there. If you're one of the people, and you want to practice with me, I'm game. Come ask me, after, what I love about you. I'll be more than happy to tell you.
xox,
Laura
In this episode Sascha and I talk about our old strategies for self-protection when faced with the threat of uncharted love. We allow that they may be doing us more harm than good but we'll probably stick with them anyway.
Featuring: fathers, fire escapes, dreams, Greek Salad, some murder, tenacity, ice castles, and a mention of the Rat Stove (which will be better, though never fully, explained in an upcoming episode).
Love! Who can understand it? Certainly neither of us.
In this episode of the podcast Sascha and I consider our fear of forever. Given our upbringing in a world that rarely acknowledges or even perceives things' natural edges, is it possible to feel into the cadence of experiences as they unfold? If we don't schedule the unfolding of our experiences, will they naturally evolve into new things? Or stall? Will we be stuck, eternally, in one place? We don't know. We're interested in finding out.
Sascha talks with her husband Peter about the effect of unprocessed and intergenerational grief - how and where it hangs around. They talk about how Peter went about even noticing it and what it is to reconcile a painful past of genocide and suicide, especially when it lives in our bodies and in the shadows.
At the Grief House we're interested in building a rich, loamy soil in which our lost and fallen bits can be met as nourishment, broken down and taken in and made available, in a new form, to support new growth.
We've decided to take this metaphor and turn it into matter. And then back to metaphor and on and on. Cycles and cycles - just like everything.
We start here with beetles, earthworms a particular mushroom who may herself be a community and a festive, scary, beautiful bacterial. We're going to keep at this, these are just the first few notes of our decomposer praise song. Take a listen. See what you think.
In this episode Sascha and I try to see the unseeable wind of grief, fail, and instead call out the names of all the swirling solid grief bodies we see as they whip past in the gust. Alphabetically.
For a grief activity - so fun. Take a listen, won't you?
NOTE: Extra points and gratitude for anyone who illustrated any portion of this, the start to our ABC book of sadness.
In this episode Sascha and I attempt to address grief head on. We do our best to gaze right at the huge swirling everything of her, and more or less fail. We do manage to talk about pooping in the woods, burying my mother, FedEx-ed cremains and how it feels to want help that isn't readily for sale.
In the end we realize our work is to be afraid, small, and together; neither conquered nor conqueror.
In this episode Sascha and I talked about our dread vessels; the space inside our hearts and minds that is reserved for dread and fear.
We wondered about the nature of the vessel and if it can be shrunk. We thought of strategies by which we might understand it more, how things come pouring in, how they pour out, what things never leave, what could never be inside it. It was really helpful and I felt glad and more stable.
Then I forgot our conversation and trotted off into my life dreading just like before. But then I listened again today and - it helped me again. I like talking to Sascha about all the things. Maybe you'll like listening?
What happens when the worst thing arrives?
What makes the worst thing the worst? How does it stay the worst? What happens if it doesn't? What breaks and what doesn't when the worst thing shows up at the door? What takes the place of the worst thing when the worst thing is past?
In this episode Sascha and I compare notes about worst things we have outlived and those we are currently dreading. Come peruse the worst of the worst with us!
In this special episode two of my favorite Portland women, Jenny Serna and Moe Bowstern, talk about their magic.
We constructed this episode in a universe's grab-bag/Stir The Pot sort of way - I made a list of questions, Moe and Jenny took turns choosing numbers and we trusted the swirling everything to turn up what wanted considering. It was perfect as they are perfect as this whole beautiful, devastating, glorious thing is perfect.
Take a listen!
In this special episode Sascha talks with our friend Rachel the space where magic meets intensive care.
Rachel is a ICU nurse and a student of paganism and traditional Earth Magic from the British Isles. She and Sascha talk about the intersection of these two aspects of her life and work, how one might protect magic while embracing modern medicine and allow both to be alive and protected during powerful moments of transition.
In this episode, Sascha and I talk about Trust and Risk - by which, I think, we mean love; because there's no way to untangle them.
Love is risky. It's trustworthy in a devastating, heartbreaking, generous, way that makes no sense at all and is the only thing that makes any sense.
We discuss tigers, rabbits, shadow girls, flaming garbage, safety and fear.
In this episode about risk Sascha and I explore the varied ways we gage the danger of any given situation. We talk about mothers, swings, logs in the woods. We make note of the ways our sure and imminent death plays into our calculations and how grateful we are for the hard, brave work past versions of ourselves have done in service of our current selves.
Come join us on this friendly romp through risky landscapes!
This month on the podcast we're feeling deeply into numbness.
In this our second episode we explore strategies for thawing - should the desire for sensation arise. We offer hot cocoa, secret audio messages, moaning and proximity to lakes as methods to more toward more feeling. We also spend a lot of time talking about how thawed isn't better and frozen isn't worse. Thaw if thawing is right. Re-freeze whenever you need to. Sascha and I will skate and swim happily in any of your states.
In this feelings episode Sascha and I discuss numbness. We decide it is useful and problematic, a path to deeper feeling and a worrisome defensive move. We ponder surgical numbness, numbness brought on by waterfalls, and times when numbness leads to far too many vacuum cleaners. we hope you will enjoy our sensational romp through numbness.
In this special episode my best friend Emmy Garr and I discuss everything in the bowl; memories from our friendship, our trip to the casino, gross things we love, the time I made her room mate very mad and more.
We offer a glimpse into friendship that can't possibly be ranked below any other kind of love. Plus you get to heat Emmy's voice - which is the most lovely voice. Don't pass this chance up, folks. Don't pass it up.
Q: What's happening in that picture with all the plaid?
A: Sascha and I are dancing the Salty Dog at our high school pep rally.
Q: But, why?
A: Because we started a bowling club.
Q: But...why?
A: It depends on who you ask.
More questions? Listen to this bonus episode!
Still more? Become a patron and we'll answer any question you dream up.
https://www.patreon.com/PortlandGriefHouse
In this episode Sascha and I discuss the trouble of just and more than friends.
We offer hues that fall outside the spectrum as we were raised to understand it, try to see each other shake in love we can't make into easy labels and feel grateful for our perfect, wonderful only/more than friendship.
In this episode Sascha and hop into and out of control, peer around both places and report our findings.
We discuss the sneaky forcefulness of the prey faced, our parallel 3rd grade power moves, dog packs and our friendship.
We hope you'll come climb under and above and all around control with us.
In this recent Portals episode, Sascha talks with Tina Tau, a dreamworker and Portland Grief House board member. They discuss deep listening to dreams, looking for the message you do not already know, and do some dream processing together.
Tina has recently written a book called Ask for Horses: Memoir of a Dream-Guided Life, and she loves to listen to people's dreams. We hope you will check it out, join us for some dreamwork here, and consider a dream journal or dream group if that speaks to you.
In this episode Sascha and I discuss our brave ventures out into the land of disappointment.
We share tales of heroism from encounters with needs we cannot meet and valor from wanting things that might not want us back. We discuss my father, Sascha's mother and how they might be the reasons we are broken or might be the exact medicine our souls need to turn themselves smooth.
We would love to share our disappointed, disappointing hearts with you.
In this special episode I talk with my good friend and Portland Grief House-mate Hannah Hillebrand about our creature-y-ness.
We talk about comfort and need, the price of delayed mortality, the joy of giving things up, and how we might integrate our wildness with modernity. We come up with plans to lean our animal bodies further and further away from human-made notions of good and successful, we hope for a day when we know the people we love by their smell and that we are beautiful by the way they light up when they see us.
In this episode Sasha and I interview wach other's bodies. We ask about how they feel being in relationships with our brains and personalities, consider the good old days of swingsets and makebelieve, and hope for futures where we live together more honestly, tenderly and completely.
In this episode Sascha and I discuss the patterns that exists within the mysterious, swirling everything, how we orient towards them, what we risk in that turning and why we turn despite the risk.
We review Atlanta, Hypochondria, partnership and gossip.
We are, as always, grateful for each other and for all of you.
In this episode Sascha and I decide to sit shame down and ask her if there's anything she needs that we can offer. While not committing to provide full board and lodging, we extend the offer of a warm bowl of soup on a cold night.
We discuss abandoned accents, the mystery of asparagus, the shock of 9th graders talking about college plans for fun and joy and sorrow of ham in every meal.
We let each other's shame lie down with her head in our laps and pet her quietly for a little bit. I cry a little bit and in the end feels deeply grateful for Sascha and friendship and limitless chances to revisit past selves with kindness in hand.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about shame.
We agree that it feels terrible, contemplate the devastating effects of its deployment, ponder its kinship with creeping infestations and howling caves and wonder about how it can be transformed. After aspiring never to ride in trucks with shame we spend some talking about how great it feels when it lifts, how friendship can work as a lifting agent and how lucky we are to have remedies for our shame in each other. In the end we come to a place of tenderness for the fear that lives in shame's heart.
In this episode which was meant to be about the joy that comes with accepting the present moment as it is, Sascha and I explore the hysterical misery of present moments that actually suck quite a lot.
We talk about how it feels to see the right-ness of something while also wishing it would be completely different. We ponder possible culprits for downturns in enlightenment levels including the horizontal posture often assumed for sleep and decide to maintain our periods of hopeful outlook by sleeping upright always.
We hope you will enjoy our hilarious romp through mazes of uncomfortable feelings.
In this episode I talk with Moe Bowstern about her project which asks the question: What does it mean to do community magic in a bar?
We discuss the magic of asking questions a whole room of people answer from their unique place of expertise and whether a person needs special shoes to come play along (you don't). We explore the difference between intentional magic and common magic, our different experiences of childhood magic and how magic changes as it's handed down a shredded lineage. I cry a little bit about my dog Matty and Moe and I offer thoughts on how to find our way to trust.
I love Moe and this episode. I hope you will too.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about how panicked my body is about my mother's body dying. We talk about how to survive in a culture that doesn't have a plan for how to help our bodies integrate this kind of loss. We explore things that might help and what it will be like if nothing really helps. We talk about other bodies that have left us and also how they've stayed.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about how the longest, soundest stays are sometimes born from many departures. We discuss the nature of death and rebirth in every phase of evolution and how building relationships that move with that cycle might offer a deep attachment we both want.
This month Sascha and I are talking about staying.
We discuss how staying with the hurt bits and the fears is not passive; it's muscular. It burns calories.
We notice how it feels, to us, like an endeavor for which a person requires a support crew - to wave and shout encouragement and offer snacks and flashlights when the sun goes down.
It also doesn't feel intuitive - it feels like something we are learning, slowly, by trial and error. In hope that shared knowledge might help us fall less often and less painfully as we build our staying skills we share strategies for staying.
It feels helpful to us. We hope it also feels helpful to you.
In this episode Sascha and I talk with each other about how it felt to talk with our sisters about how it feels to trust our parents.
We discuss rocks and rivers, how it might change a sentient river to watch swimmers play in or flee it, and our hope of some day becoming sentient rivers at peace with the elements that made us.
We talk about different kinds of commitment and sign our names to a kind that embraces change, and deep, tolerant love.
We wonder about how our families might have looked if we weren't forced to relate to each other in roles rigidly defined by a society we had little hand in building and decide to work for something different and more complexly woven starting now.
In our second sister episode, Sascha talks with her sister, Isadora, about trusting their mother, Theresa.
Sascha and Izzy discuss the complexity of trusting someone who lived in a reality they couldn't quite fathom, how that effected their ability to trust their own perception of reality and how it shaped their ability to trust themselves.
In this bilingual episode about family, I talk with my sister about if and how it could be possible to trust our father, Gerardo.
We talk about how it feels to be people who have been set aside, the particular pain of being let-go-able.
We explore how gratitude and sadness live together in our bodies, and how the complications of our father have shaped us in tricky ways and also ways we find lovely and compelling.
We wonder if there's a way to trust our father as a gift bearer and to trust the gifts - our mothers, our family, each other - he's brought us. I, for one, decide there is and set out to find it.
In this episode about feelings Sascha and I call our wants over. We watch them move and tell each other what we see.
Then we hand our want creatures to our friend (and Portals editor) Sid and he makes music they can dance to.
I wasn't at all sure how this experiment would turn out but in the end what came is exactly what I wanted.
In this episode about feelings Sascha and I discuss what it's like to want. We consider categories of want, wonder about the difference between wanting things for ourselves and wanting things for our beloveds and explore what lessons the tea cup carnival ride has to teach us about want.
We consider want in the parent-child relationship where it quite often feels bright and like survival and work our way towards a more expansive relationship with wanting - one that allows pinwheels to spin to their full potential, sparing fingertips their sharp slap.
We hope you'll come explore with us.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about how it feels to hold people in our hearts, thoughts and consciousness.
We consider what it's like to be born, again and again, into vessels that then wander off holding you however they see fit. What it's like to carry someone who doesn't know you have them. What it's like to carry someone who may or may not be alive.
We think about how we're born in you, each time you listen to this podcast and feel glad for the chance to be expansive and held
In this episode Sascha and I discuss the many iterations of our birth.
We consider what it means to be born into a communal reality that's made from individual realities that overlap like bubbles in foam, how it's possible to be born into someone's world years and years before they're born into yours, and what happens when you begin to suspect birth is an act of creative invention and play in it as such.
We pull up chairs for our haired snakes and reminisce with them about the many times they have been born. We'd love you to come join us!
In this episode Sascha and I contemplate how Gods soak through the fabric of reality. We wonder how to best maintain open, nourished portals - how to live like everything might be a doorway to divinity.
This is another of our special, scored episodes. Our friend Parsa makes sound doors through which our gods come dancing. It's quite magical and completely good.
We hope you'll come lie in God fields with us!
This month on Portals we discuss fucking up. We talk about what it's like to make mistakes, hurt people and stay close, and what it's like when we can't stay close. We discuss the merits of a fallible God - how much we might learn from a deity who messes up and is still worthy of trusting with the care and tending of our souls.
In this episode about magic (which we recorded in-person during Sascha's visit to Portland), our friend Parsa, who makes music for our feeling creatures, joins us with his voice!
Sascha and Parsa agree to play a game where we take turns overhearing each other talk about our magic. It's like cloud gazing but the clouds make pictures of our mysteries. I love it so much I can hardly contain myself and make plans to include it at all the parties I attend from now until forever.
Maybe you'll come to a magic gazing party sometime soon!
In this episode on trust, Sascha and I discuss the importance of magic. We explore the ways we were raised to believe and where our belief grows brittle. We wonder about the patriarchy and how it got to be in charge of what is and isn't real. We decide we don't have an interest in valuing things based on the extent to which they benefit the post-agrarian, capitalist machine and decide to lean more and more heavily into witchcraft and hope.
In this episode Sascha and I explore what it's like to love things that are stuck and staying stuck or moving deeper into stickiness; to know your love won't fix the thing you love or free it, and still give it well and fully, and with all your heart.
This moth at The Grief House we're looking at how it feels to be stuck - in shirts, the pharmaceutical industry, our eagerness to end all pain. We wonder how to make space inside tangles and how to lie down, trapped in confusion, and cry ourselves calm.
In this episode Sascha and I explore the path from cultivation to wilderness.
We discuss the botanical term wildering: a plant that has run wild or escaped cultivation, wonder about fenced wilderness and the wisdom of elk, and consider how long a person should sit with their dirty ferns in a sanitized lunch room before they give up hope for a meadow. We think, maybe, forever.
We hope you'll join in our bewilderment.
From the moment we occur in this iteration of consciousness we are transforming. Our bodies are lost and replaced thousands of times.
Some day you might be old. What if you are, and it is great? What if it's more like magic than anything you've known so far?
Most likely our predictions about what's coming next don't alter the course of our glorious fall, so - why not predict the best?
Sascha and I have decided to spend some time doing just that. We'd love you to join us.
What kind of great do you think it might be?
In this short episode our friend Parsa offers us his beautiful shaking in the form of piano music. It shakes out worlds and worlds and I share one of them.
In this trust episode Sascha and I discuss the experience of living in constantly aging bodies.
We talk about deals we've struck with fear, our soft bellies, reunions with our former incarnations and the joy of declining to run in the race. We wonder how it would feel to have more models of glorious women we might some day become, decide it would feel good, and begin to invent a gallery of old ladies.
I make a plan to become good friends with a mule and possibly smoke a pipe, Sascha brings a photo of someone 20 years older instead of 20 years younger than she is to the hairdresser for inspiration, and we feel glad, in the end, that we aren't cryogenically frozen.
In this episode about loss and acceptance Sascha and I discuss what happens when loss is offered and we decline. How does it look to decide to stay despite external cues that insist leaving makes the most sense. What happens when someone leaves you, but you don't leave them back.
We discuss the tired dogs guarding our wall-less houses, the way painful no's can tether us tight and whether we might be able to construct a touring experience in which we get to amble through the abandoned psychiatric hospitals of each other's souls.
This is one of my favorite episodes to date. I hope you come and visit, and stay and stay and stay.
You can see video of this episode at the Grief House YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/twgh3YkV2uE
In this very special episode our friend Parsa scores Sascha and my pleasure. We then play with laying the different pleasure offerings down on top of each other. It is the best thing in the world and Sascha and I both die and are reborn several times while listening to it.
We wonder about pleasure and perception; whether or not pleasure can ever occur in isolation. We think about cycles of pleasure and how one cycle sets off the next. We talk about the pleasure of jelly coats and jelly shoes, the pleasure of frozen air in lungs and the pleasure of being safe enough to deeply feel the joyful edge of discomfort.
In this episode Sascha and I discuss our Loss Badgers. We explore what it's like to live with them in various states of acceptance. We talk about their teeth, their smell and the way they act in public. We contemplate the merits of suits for Loss Badgers and special shoes for wading in Loss Badger lakes. We make plans to build ecosystems where the Loss Badgers can roam in all their glorious presentations.
We invite you to show us your Loss Badgers - clothed or unclothed, at a nice cafe or naked in the fields.
In this first episode of our month-long exploration of pleasure, we look at expected and unexpected pleasure, wonder about how fear limits and enhances pleasure, and how we trade in types and shades of pleasure.
We talk about the complex pleasures of live music, ravenous zombie-fish, sour cream and onion potato chips and tearing barbecued flesh from the bone and how welcomed and acknowledged grief can spread and deepen joy.
We'd be so pleased it you would come join us.
In this episode Sascha and I talk about time as a many layered thing. We discuss truths of our mothers, the truths of our childhoods, and truths about love,
We consider what it feels like to imagine truths of different moments collecting and collaborating rather than replacing each other. Liking how this feels, we proclaim it our reality.
In this episode we discuss the nature of time. What does she look like when we aren't watching. What do we look like from her perspective?
We wonder about all the ways we interact with time - spending her, saving her, wasting her, keeping her - the games we play with her as individuals and communities. We consider which of them help us, which of them hurt us, and whether there's a way to invent new games?
We talk abut our different relationships with time and what it's like to watch other people hang out with her in ways we've never imagined. We imagine time as a water wheel, vines we can swing from and a river in which we are held. We talk about when we feel most happy with our relationship with time, and how to support that relationship for ourselves and each other.
In this episode Sascha and I introduce our comfort creatures.
We consider Comfort as a formica table top, a sandwich a calm place in the woods. We wonder about the way our comfort loves us, the way it feels to be with her, the way she can be overlooked. We imagine our comfort creatures spending an afternoon with our fear creatures. We wish we could spend time sitting in a one of those ball rooms with slides, where everything is bright and soft and cushioned, with them all.
Our friend Parsa gives them voices. It's 100% magical, and surprising and amazing; like meeting someone you've always known and never seen. Like becoming, suddenly, unblind to ultraviolet light or undeaf to the music of the spheres. I can hardly tolerate how good it feels. We hope that you'll enjoy it.
In this episode we discuss grief in all its ambiguity.
We talk about grief's waiting room and what it's like to linger there, the intersection between chaos and order, how boxes can be used for liberation and knives can be used to open jars. We explore the notion that some loss might be more real than other loss, and try to nail down, for certain, whether any loss is unambiguous.
At the end we make a special request of you, our listeners. Oh, we hope you hear it and make the thing we ask for. We would be so, so, unambiguously happy.
In this episode Sascha and I build playgrounds for our fear creatures and watch them swing and slide while we sip coffee on a bench off to the side.
We discuss how to be friends with a creature that swallows you every night after dark, the dimensionality of fear, fear as a paper doll, a shadow and The Babadook. We discuss the particular horror of being the thing we fear the most and the strange tenderness that comes from offering our fears a chance to take a break and soak in a hot tub together.
This episode is scored by Parsa Shahinpoor, who has given our fears voices of their very own. That and many other things makes this my favorite episode to date.
In this episode we discuss death. We talk about our evolving relationships with death as a state of being and our personal relationships with our own deaths. We talk about the hard work of being held, the ways we have tried to evade and defeat death and the evolution of our respective friendships with her.
We have some creative playtime with death, during which we let our deaths dress up in costumes of their choosing (Sascha's is a Dachshund crossed with a black bear accompanied by a woman in rainbow gowns!) and, in the end, feel so much better for spending time together - Sascha, me, our two deaths and (we hope) all of you!
In this episode Sascha and I perform an act of meta-trust by allowing each other to tell our early experiences of blind trust. We (or at least I) find it surprising and revelatory.
We discuss God, backpacks filled with survival tools and the utility of magical thinking. We explore whether or not it is a good idea to trust wolves who hate whistling, women who do face painting at health fairs and powerful children. We look into the many ways to trust a beach, what it's like to trust our own and other people's bodies and how we can build bridges of trust for each other.
In this episode we explore loss as it pools at the feet of our fathers and our mothers. We consider the ways loss might function as an offering; could forest creatures line their nests with our downy loss? Could it be licked up and swallowed and turned into life by beings know and beyond our knowing? Could it be that our loss is not just something we need to learn to tolerate - could it be that our loss is something we need, collectively, to be well and whole?
It's unclear - but worth looking into. We'll start right here.
In this episode (our first interview!) we talk with Alison Alstrom about yoga, goddesses, perspective and the right way to pronounce the word asana. We discus the joys and troubles of being physically manifest and why one might decide to embrace having a body despite it all. We talk about the concept of portals from the perspective of the South Indian yoga tradition Alison studies and how knowing about it changes the view from each of our windows.
In this episode we talk about feeling: charting feeling, herding feelings, feelings as landscape, feelings as Savannah cats, feelings as colorful blobs.
We discuss how we inherit and develop language to describe our feelings and the ways that language does and does not bring us closer to knowing ourselves and each other. We also consider alternate communication options for transmitting feelings - including lying in heaps on stones in the sun, and side-by-side turnip harvesting - and how long enduring friendship changes the way feelings move between people.
In this episode we explore trust – what it means to “earn trust”, the markers we use to identify people as trustworthy, and experiences and circumstances that build barriers to trust. We talk about baths as a shortcut to secure friendship, swimming in the ocean in combat boots and the particular kind of trust evoked by Millie Vanilli in the early 90’s.
In this, our inaugural episode, we discuss the nature of reality, how our individual perspectives on the world shape the reality we experience and how our unique realities overlap and influence each other. We talk about fitting in, epilepsy, high school and the mind-opening value of friendship.