Saturday Breakfast on Hermitage FM: Recent Episodes
Sat Breakfast on Hermitage FM
Saturday mornings - 8am on 99.2FM across North West Leicestershire on online at hermitagefm.com
(There's also another show on Friday evenings same place at 8pm, but that's a secret. Shh)
On Saturday 30th March 2024, it all came to an end. But what happened next? Simon File investigates.
(Part 1 of 2)
On Saturday 30th March 2024, it all came to an end. But what happened next? Simon File investigates.
(Part 2 of 2)
Anyone listening this Saturday may have been confused as to why it suddenly got a little cultured. Once in a while, we do go highbrow.
Mainly because the microbiologists have been studying your trainers. And it's not good news.
We don't want to hurry you, but they're coming. And you don't want to be not ready when they arrive. That's just poor hosting. Let us help you.
Thinking of moving house? Thinking of moving to Mars? Let us help you build your ideal home out of blood, spit and potatoes.
Back on 27th May we considered plans for when you've passed away. The eulogy is already sorted too: "He was such a fun....ghi to be around"
The sound of someone distracted by technology when they really should be paying attention in class.
Gronda Gronda Rango. If you know, you know.
If you don’t know, you should probably listen to this.
If you're having problems with your Christmas deliveries, just spare a thought for this awkward lot.
Just look at what you could have won...
(Actually, don't bother. You're better off without it)
A tense moment in the world of mathematics as Vordeyrileyman puts Michael McDonald on the spot and gives him only 30 seconds to deliver.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Don't be silly. Both of those travel at much higher altitudes.
Eurovision isn't all about the spectacle. Let's delve behind the scenes and see the dark underbelly of the organisation.
I tell you what I want, what I really really want. No seriously, what I really really want. What I actually want. I want to hear this again. No really. I really really want to.
Sometimes when you get the builders in, they can be quite inflexible and totally unwilling to consider other options.
We're halfway through Madvent now. Don't think we're going to let you off the hook. This goes through to the bitter end.
A cautionary tale about the problems when purchasing a used clown car that comes with a witch doctor. Always check before you buy.
Matt, Luke and Madonna: It's a triple celebrity special. You might want to sit down, but there is a problem with that. Madonna's gone minimalist...
Today's performance of Armchair Theatre will start in 5 minutes. Please hurry up buying your Haribo and head to your seats.
A simple story of northern folk investing in the supermarket business. This could get feisty.
Contains bonus rapid-fire puns about Herbie Hancock
Who was the winner of the award this year then? Who was it? Have a listen and find out...
They were young. They were radical. They were Janis Joplin, Neil from The Young Ones, Fish from Marillion, and Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka. And this is what they did...
(True story)
Who would like to go and visit Laura Branigan's bird sanctuary? It's a little limited to just one type. You'll never guess which bird it is.
IT'S NOT AN OSTRICH.
So, Mick Jones from that there The Clash and Big Audio Dynamite was at school with Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka - up there in Yorkshire, like. Huge fans of of variety acts, like we all are.
Careful what you're spreading on your toast this morning. It could literally send you absolutely mad.
A week when the Breakfast Show was rocked by a series of resignations, one man's position became untenable. It's not a position you'll be able to achieve yourself anyway, no matter how much yoga practice you get in.
Witness the moment Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka left the show. And the horrifying consequences of where it went next.
Simon File is turning up the thermostat. Or is he? What's the real reason for global temperatures rising? Come and find out the shocking truth.
So you think you know all about the memory span of a goldfish? Well, yes, erm. No, it's gone again....
Sometimes your vegetables can be just too perfect. Nobody likes a show off taproot. Sometimes you need to get an expert to knock it into shape. Fortunately, Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka knows just the chaps.
This is Jurassic Park for real! You can take your rampant Tyrannosaurs and marvel at the actual real life discovery of a fungus growing out of the rectum of a fossilised ant.
Fukushima. It's a place. So put down your pen and screw your letter of outraged complaint into the bin. We can legitimately say this on the radio.
Great moments in cricketing music history:
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Howzat by Sherbet.
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Dreadlock Holiday by 10CC.
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Peter Gabriel bowling to McHammer and giving him a slice of mid 1980s rage.
DISCLAIMER: Huey Lewis and hundreds of journalists and Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka in a lift is fictional and did not really happen, because that would be flaunting the current social distancing regulations. Thank you.
PS. No gloves were found in this elevator.
Confirming the well known rumour from the 1980s that Boy George is a vampire and cannot stand looking at himself in the mirror. Let Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka explain all in an episode that will no doubt bring much more than seven years bad luck.
Don't worry. You won't see it coming.
Oh, actually, now we've told you, you might. Sorry about that
Remember, when going on holiday to a picturesque holiday location / lay-by, do be considerate of other holidaymakers when parking your vehicle. As Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka found out this week.
Features double bonus Nelly Furtado cutaway material.
Happy 7th Anniversary Saturday Breakfast on Hermitage FM!
For those of you who are new to the whole massive in-joke, here's a succinct summary to bring you up to speed, courtesy of Mr Billy BagTwoShoes and the Hermitage FM Palm Court Trio
Calling all crazy mad despots. Put down the white fluffy cat and stop faffing around. If you want to genuinely destroy planet Earth, we've done the maths for you.
Guaranteed results or your money back: This will actually work.
Let's head straight over to the park, where Julie Andrews should be heeding the advice of Mr Philip Oakey if she doesn't want misfortune to fall upon the third note of the C major scale.
(For those technically-minded, we're talking 329.628 Hz. Which is quite some distance away from 99.2MHz, so the rest of us are safe)
Because on this show we love our mad doctors. This week, we bring you the fighty bondage cannulation antics of Dr Werner Forssmann.
Everything here is true. And not recommended.
Aim: To make your own black hole
Apparatus: 8000 rubidium atoms, a couple of lasers, a fridge
Method: Find out within...
Whalers / wailers
Tomay-to / Tomato
Potay-to / Potarto
With added musical tuition from the forgetful Julie Andrews. Yes, it's what Lindsay and Barry have been up to this week.
Featuring all your favourite artists: From Joe Cocker to The Beatles, from The Cure to The Eurythmics. Even Bryan Adams. Because he's your favourite. You kept him at number one forever in 1991. Why did you do that? WHY?
You will never look at Swedish tinkers, BAAB, the same way again. You have been corrupted.
It's December. The nights are dark. Mysterious happenings are, erm, happening. But fear not - Simon File is on the case.
Best get yourself ready for the Covid 19 vaccination. And whilst you're preparing, how about a bit of master baking?
Let's go interactive with Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka
Last week in November? It's that time of year again!
(Yes, it's time to go fishing with Martin Fry from ABC)
If you're struggling with all this swapping from Summer Time back to Greenwich Mean Time, we can offer help. Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka is happy to pop round and do it for you. He may bring someone who cannot stand syncopated free-form music that comes from New Orleans though.
It's all going to go horribly wrong. The Earth's magnetic field is going a bit wonky. But it's ok - we've got it explained so you'll be ready for it.
Because we're scientists. We get worms drunk and put them on loudspeakers to make them vibrate. Because, quote "worms are cheap to get drunk". Remember than when you're next out clubbing.
Chris Naran has left the building. Much like Elvis.
Although unlike Elvis, he didn't do it via the little boys' room. With a cheeseburger in his hand.
To play Jason Donovan on the radio once may be regarded as a misfortune; to play him twice looks like carelessness. To play him three times requires interference from Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka. Whilst Barry from Hugglescote makes a fortune by spraying paint on a wall.
When you're stuck at a conference and have an unexpected room share on your hands, guess who turns up in the room next door?
(For the sake of pedantry, this Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka anecdote took place in the 1970s)
What? Robert Smith? "Tuesday, Wednesday, heart attack"? That's a bit much. Let Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka take you through his week instead. It involves fashion advice and your hands will stay warm.
We do this for science, right? Not because it's funny. Science.
No spiders were harmed during the production of this radio feature. Although some of them won't pull at the spider disco anymore. Find out why.
This week, Lindsay went abseiling with April 1982 top three charting hit band PhD(*). Because that's typical for Saturday mornings.
(*) But not Jim Diamond. Because he died in 2015.
Concluding the investigation into the airborne terror that plagues North West Leicestershire. There are few investigative reporters who are brave enough to take on a case of this magnitude and solve it.
But we've got Simon File instead.
What's not to love about a pureed stewed fruit (possibly gooseberry or strawberry)whipped into sweet custard? Let Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka explain.
Oh look at the state of your car. That's disgusting. You need to take it to the sexy car wash. Where they're observing all social distancing rules, even if someone you won't expect is in charge of making those decisions.
Have you got a third eyelid?
How genetically similar are you to orange juice?
We have the answers. Welcome to this weeks Science Desk
You can take your Who Wants to Be A Millionaires, your Family Fortunes, your Bendy Bullies and your Blankety Blank chequebooks and pens. This is how you properly run a competition.
(c) to every commercial radio station on the air, everywhere.
Part 2
Because anyone can handle two or three passer-by vicars. But then it can get out of control.
(With alternative ending not heard on the radio broadcast)
Part 1
Who on earth would time World Naked Gardening Day on the same day as the The Socially Distanced Vicars on Bicycles Festival for North West Leicestershire? That would be a stupid thing to do.
Because you've always wanted a tour of the glampervan, well let us take you behind the scenes.
In the event that such an activity causes the radio station to crash DO NOT PANIC. STAY CALM.
All you need to join in with this keeping fit at home lark is a vicar, a tea tray and a good set of vocal cords. No excuses now.
When times are difficult, you can always count on Billy Bag TwoShoes and the Hermitage FM Palm Court Trio to soothe your mood.
Batten down the hatches. Armour-plate your ride. The apocalypse is coming.
But it's ok, because Harold Faltermeyer is your man here. And he knows how to make sure the load bearing is appropriate.
As much as millipedes need their privacy, science has a job to do.
Remember, once you've heard this you need to use the phrase “a rave, albeit one made up of microscopic millipede genitalia" in general conversation. When you've done that, can you let me know please?
Because brain surgeons do need soothing music whilst they work. It's not as if the patient has got much to do. Let's go into the operating theatre.
True story! True story! Come and learn about how the Americans strapped bombs to bats.
This is better than all your history lessons were at school.
Prepare yourself for thespian greatness as Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka and Barry from Hugglescote reenact a classic piece of fiction right into your ears.
300 shows. 300 candles. 300 grams of flash powder. 300 party poppers.
Oh, and Paul Weller and the other chap too.
Audience: "We don't hear enough about former Romanian despot Nicolae Ceaușescu on the radio these days."
Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka: "Hold my Campari and soda...."
Let's get back to the traditional roots of Christmas and spin round at 2.60869565217 revolutions per hour in the company of a bearded man.
WARNING: Involves singing from Barry
Do you need help trying to understand what goes on in the world of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka? Why not listen to this introduction to the anecdotes on the show? It makes everything perfectly clear.
Because a typical Saturday with Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka often starts off in a tent with Gwen Guthrie and ends with Edwyn Collins chastising him over his poor standard of handwriting.
Come on. Let's get together and stare at an old cheeseburger. This is what they invented the internet for.
This is the world's scariest lemur. It will curse you with it's middle finger. We challenge you to find any other primate with such skill.
Get ready for some proper French science!
(Involves slime that one day will be cleverer than us. Probably.)
Things we need: Sugar.
Things we don't need: Scrubs.
Things we have too much of: Sinitta.
Welcome to a typical Saturday morning on the radio
Billy BagTwoShoes and The Hermitage FM Palm Court have been back in the studio. With a little help from a certain friend....
Oh yeah, and the human race is going to be wiped out within the next 80 years. Do you want a sneak preview?
Autumn! It's time for the Saturday Breakfast Show party conference and you need to be careful with your underwear please.
We've all had our personal space invaded by Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka. However, Bonio from U2 took personal exception to it. Listen on...
Who's up for a Scott-off? Don't worry if not. We can rustle up some gender confusion with Toyah or just spill some poisonous metal instead.
A masterclass in business management. Forget your Alan Sugars, Richard Bransons and the dragons in their den. This is how you make millions...
Do you need help trying to understand what goes on in the world of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka? Why not listen to this introduction to the anecdotes on the show. It makes everything perfectly clear.
WARNING: At 8 minutes 59 seconds into this you will experience the sound of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka and his pet, Barry, encountering a French entrepreneur in a nightclub.
The rest of it involves packing things. Tightly. And explains why we may not hear from the two of them for a few weeks....
Because Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka once met Annie Lennox in the canteen at the Natural History Museum, where the two of them came to a compromise at the sweet counter.
Every word of this is true.
Because we all know just how expensive breast implants can be, so why not pick up a couple second hand?
Dear Backstreet Boys,
You have to let go. The purchase is complete and we have the receipt. Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka is now the legitimate owner.
Lots of love,
The Saturday Breakfast on Hermitage FM boys
None of this happened last week because it's illegal to set up a pirate radio station under sections 36 to 38 of the Wireless Telegraphy Act 2006.
Take care when you're down the pet shop. That really doesn't look like a Japanese Spitz to us.
Where are the aliens going to park when they arrive? We do need to think about these things. Fortunately the crackpots have it in hand.
For the record this is NOT how to take your five portions a day. Learn from the mistakes of others.
Well, this is your commute sorted then - a marathon encounter that involves Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka, a cheese flan, a rampant curly lap dog and Bonnie Tyler. All in less than quarter of an hour.
Barry isn't in it this week.
We've all been troubled by evil spirits at one time or another. Tell you what you need to do - you need burping therapy. That'll shift 'em.
Warning: Does require membership of a "socially harmful cult" but you can win them all.
We've all been thinking just how shabby the worlds' mountains are looking these days. There's only one person who can spruce them up of course: Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka (with a little bit of help from 1980s Chicago-based minstrels, Survivor).
Once again the music industry is rocked, as Billy Bag TwoShoes and his Palm Court Trio sneak into the basement recording studio and knock out a track. Thank U, EGGS!
Listen to an ACTUAL REAL FARMER talk about cows getting together and having some special cow time together. Warning: contains sexually explicit material such as 'milk yield', 'protein content' and 'calving potential'
We don't even know what a zombie sex doll is on this show. Let alone how anyone would want to do this with it.
So this happened on the radio last week just before the news. What could it mean?
(Well, sounds like Bubbers is in a predicament. Best tune in this coming Saturday to find out more)
So Lindsay and Barry had this mix up, right? Involving gloves? That hurt? Why could that be? Once again, we ask the big questions on the show.
Because nothing says breakfast radio better than polyamorous people drinking blood from their best friends.
Because too many people have asked me to explain why we talked about soft fluffy endosperm on the radio this morning. Come on - let's get down and learn about Popcorn Day.
Have you been misbehaving? Perhaps taken up petty crime as a hobby? Don't worry - Neil is ready to hear your confession.
Whilst the politicians bicker and argue, Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka has your back if we ever encounter a national crisis where our hands get cold. You'll thank us for this.
You know that irritating noise you heard on the radio? It wasn't us. It was aliens. They're trying to get in contact.
And so, as a special Christmas treat, we reach the (ahem) climax of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka's..... oh, stop sniggering at the back there and just have a listen.
Oh go on - let's teleport inside the mind of Barry Cratchitt and witness the terrifying reality of Christmas Present. Not Christmas presents - but Present. Capital P. Christmas now. Right this second. (Also features Bafta-worthy acting. Branagh, Olivier, O'Toole, De Niro - listen. And learn)
Part two eh? Is that the one where Ebenezer Bbszsczsczpka goes back to the glory days on national radio? The one with genuine radio celebrities in it? Yes. We're afraid it is.
Join us for part one of a seasonal Armchair Theatre. In a production written and produced by Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka. 100% completely original. Includes ghosts and fatalities. Like Christmas should do.
I don't want you to be no slave... I don't want you to work all day... But I want you to be true... And I just wanna... make sure that your hands don't get cold this winter.
It's getting cold out. We need to think of our feathered friends, and not just the tits.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S CHRISSSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAAAS!
We don't need Noddy Holder to tell us. Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka has cracked the Christmas joke. The festivities may commence....
Top flight grade A, class 1, premiere quality absolute top-of-the-range crackpot incoming....
Where would we be without our emergency services? Probably watching our house burn down as Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka learns from one of the greatest firefighter of all time.
This is why you have to leave social media. It's because advice like this is taken seriously.
Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka hasn't been well. Do tweet him your get well soon messages at @lindsaybbzzzz
A special spooky Halloween special: hear how real people actually properly died then genuinely CAME. BACK. FROM. THE. DEAD! (Then told everyone on social media)
So last Saturday was National Album Day, and what better way to spoil it than to let Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka loose on people's favourite tracks? Includes new material from Captain Salty's Puppy Love.... Gang Band
Ya really done want me to tig-a-tig-a-tig-a tell ya wassup? (go) Because if you do, you'll be surprised as to who steadfastly refuses to make some conserve for his mother. Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka will explain all....
Have you woken up again with the shabbiest of hangovers? Don't worry. Just give me eleven minutes and I'll have you back on top form
It's been far too long since Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka crowbarred a reference to hand warmers into a song. Here, let us sort that for you.
Watch out! There's trouble down at the zoo, where one of the camelids has given birth! It's horribly messy and it's on the rampage. Have a listen to this completely true story from Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka. (And yes, that is a picture of a llama giving birth. Avert your eyes.)
We've got a brand new Waterpark opening in North West Leicestershire! Bring your swimming costume and walk between the legs of a giant Ron Pickering and behold the wonder of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka's Wet Playtime!
Because when you're trying to look your best for the goats, it's important to smile at them alluringly and stand on the right side. It will pay off. Onwards to Goat Desk!
ABBA, Lindsay and Benny spooning in the Glampervan: It's far too busy to take that call from Johnny Logan now.
I'm sorry, Mick Hucknall - you'll just have deal with call waiting. Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka has got a whole pile of ABBA puns to get through, and you're not going to get in his way.
Nowhere else on the radio will you hear about a bucking bronco triceratops and just how militant Simon the Bone can be when it comes to working hours. This landed Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka in prison, so you'd do well to hear it and be warned.
Because when pop royalty reaches a grand old age, what greater tribute than a song from Billy BagTwoShoes and the Hermitage FM Palm Court Trio to celebrate?
Don't take beauty advice from people who post on YouTube. It'll all end in disappointment and ridicule. But at least you'll smell minty fresh.
Those artists, eh? They should be spending more time painting their pictures than trying to sneak themselves into pop records. They thought they'd got away with it, but Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka is right on their case.
So whilst you just wasted yours sitting by the pool, Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka spent his summer holiday with Benny from ABBA, profiting from the illegal arms trade. And if you don't believe us, here's the evidence. WARNING: CONTAINS AN EXCRUCIATING PUN AT THE END
Welcome to Lava Island! You'll never leave. In a week when we also learned about how Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka has quite a serious addiction to gloves.
So, Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka went to a special clinic for birdwatchers with Lulu, Chico from The X-Factor, Linda Lusardi, Madonna - and of course Bill Oddie. Quite the busy journey...
Let's delve into the world of Lindsay Bbszsczsczpka: which this week involves crockery, the marriage of Ariana Grande and the pitfalls of going into business with Destiny's Child. Every. Last. Word. Is. True.
No description is needed. You need to know about the sexy moths, and everything is explained for you here in detail. Warning: Contains the phrase "Non-functioning proboscis"