Good Help: Recent Episodes
Evelyn James
Healing from betrayal is hard, but finding Good Help shouldn't be. Join us for the hard conversations and in depth discussions about growth, healing and restoration for yourself, your spouse and your marriage.
Evelyn answers some of the communities questions including: How do I respond to the addict saying they need undeserved grace like God gives all of us? I'm needing reassurance but I don't know how to explain what it looks like... help? And at the end of the episode Evelyn shares both her asks and some of Aaron's offers to help build trust and safety.
Evelyn discusses some common styles of blame shifting and gives examples of what they may sound like within a relationship with someone on the spectrum of sexually compulsive behaviours and addictions. She also talks about a common teaching of recovery books and how they can perpetuate blame shifting.
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Evelyn and Aaron discuss and define empathy. Covering why its so important in recovery, what it does and what it looks like to have a lack of empathy in your relationship. Empathy is so much more than just understanding what a person might be feeling, and its key to a recovery that goes beyond just sobriety. So how do we grow in it? listen and find out.
Evelyn talks about how the person struggling with sexually compulsive behaviours and addictions often begins to over sexualize the people and world aroung them. But what affect does this have on their spouse and how can they face this struggle?
Evelyn and Aaron discuss some of the hang ups in recovery and how to overcome them.
This first conversation covers the idea of putting off and putting on as well as some of the common things that are overlooked in recovery that need to be put off.
Evelyn shares a little of her struggles as of late but dives into what she's been doing to face it. How we face our trials, heartache and hardships matters and we must learn how to put off and put on. Breaking down the biggest hurdles of walking through the struggles and helping you find truth and what must be put on.
Evelyn and Aaron discuss something that most recovery programs ignore... wet dreams in recovery.
Often times this struggle is ignored, left out of discussions in recovery groups/programs and made out to be no big deal. But what if it is ultimately stagnating his recovery? What if it is a bigger deal than its been made out to be and is actually an indicator of a larger issue continuing through their recovery journey.
Here is the nightly journal questions mentioned in this episode...
Evelyn and Aaron break down a biblical perspective on Marriage, Sex and Intimacy so that we can have a better understanding on God's view of pornography.
This is an area that many add or take away from and its important that we come back to the Word of God on each part of this issue. We will be coming back to this again, because there are lots of FAQs surrounding What God created and What goes against it.
What is relapse and how should you handle it in the Recovery Journey?
Evelyn tackles this tough topic and gives specific signs to be looking for of true recovery, along with questions to ask yourself when faced with responding to a relapse. Relapses should not be looked at as inevitable but rather as something that is unacceptable, so they do everything in their power to not allow that to happen.
Not everyone sees the negative side of pornography and many people have been told and believe the lies about the "benefits" of consuming pornography. Evelyn and Aaron discuss the big reasons we should be fighting pornography, not just for the individual, but for the spouse, family and our world.
Evelyn and Aaron discuss why checking boxes is not the answer for rebuilding trust and healthy relationship. Often checking boxes can lead to transactional relationships and bitterness from feeling like were not getting the results we want.
We discuss 4 keys to rebuilding trust and a great tool for getting better results than checking boxes.
Ready to make big changes but need some help and support? click here.
"I'm an addict, I'm always going to struggle." "I'm and addict, I'm going to relapse at some point."
Heard these words or something like them, in this episode Aaron and Evelyn address this common statement and its larger implications. Why it doesn't help recovery and why its a red flag that they might be stuck in a victim mentality.
Other points include, H.A.L.T.S., blame shifting, keeping the lid on and why we need to retrain our brain so we can truly heal and recover.
Mentioned in the episode is Jerry Bridges book I called "Acceptable Sins" its actually called "Sins we Accept", find it here.
Should we really be treating this issue as us vs his sin? Is recovery me vs you?
Aaron and Evelyn discuss the ins and outs of these ideas and how they can often be misrepresented and misunderstood in the recovery journey and healing with your spouse. This episode covers everything from transactional intimacy, trying to keep your spouse from their sin, control and codependency and so much more.
Melissa Ruff from the Live Free Wives Community joins us for part 2 of our interview. We discuss everything from EMDR to Boundaries and building trust. Do you know the difference between "I want to" or "Im going to try to" compared to true genuine commitments to change?
We also talk about when motivations matter and the first, second and third order of change. You won't want to miss this episode!
This special interview episode with Melissa Ruff touches on the Live Free Wives community and gives tips on joining recovery groups in general.
We also disguss the way the brain copes with traumas and betrayals, memories without a timestamp, and learning to trust yourself again.
In this episode Evelyn discusses the deep affects of pornographhy consumption on the self esteem and self worth of BOTH the consumer and their spouse (even if the spouse is unaware of the use).
We dig into how self worth is affected, the causes, factors that worsen the symptoms and a few steps to begin your journey out of low self worth and self esteem.
The final instalment of our conversations about abuse within our marriage. We continue to talk about fears, neglect, avoidance, manipulation and loosing hope.
The number one thing that we hear from people feeling neglected in their marriages is that they just feel like roommates. We explain how common it is to feel like roommates after having children and how selfishness and fear play into this.
Evelyn and Aaron continue their discussion about abuse and neglect in their relationship and how it has progressed through the years. This episode covers everything from motivations and fears, control and manipulation, neglect, sexualization and dehumanization.
We talk about the places people frequently get stuck while trying to grow and heal in these areas and how things progressed through these stages in our relationship.
Please listen at your own descretion as some conversation topics could be triggering for some listeners.
Evelyn discusses the harder to reognize but easy to normal abuses that can plague marraiges. These are often the abuses we put up with and accept or ignore, they're the ones that might feel off but we can't always pick out why that is. Neglect is often the most ignored abuse that happens with sexually compulsive behaviours and addictions. Sometimes it gets labeled as intimacy annorexia or love addictions or the like, but it can also sneak under the radar of recovery and be left to do damage instead of learning how to grow in intimacy and love after recovery.
Evelyn and Aaron discuss some of the abuses that took place in their relationship and how hard it was for both to recognize it as abusive. Aaron talks about how easy it was for him to play into beliefs that Evelyn already had and use it for his advantage.
This is not a comprehensive or fully detailed account of what took place, but please listen at your discretion as some topics might be triggering for some individuals.
Trigger Warning Please listen at your discretion.
Evelyn talks about the many abuses and behaviours that fall under the umbrella of sexual abuse, both direct and indirect. The many ways and messages used to teach obligation and duty that are manipulated to guilt, shame and coerce women into sex.
How porn consumption leads to objectification, dehumanization and abuse. Evelyn talks about stats and studies about the connection between porn consumption and attitudes of violence and aggression towards women.
Learn about direct and indirect physical abuse and why we often make excuses for our partners and their abuses. How emotional and psychological abuse often are intertwined with physical abuse and its lasting affects on its victims and children who witness it. And learn about gaslighting and reactive abuse.
This is a hard one to hear, but when we call it like it is, we can see that a lot of the behaviours we have begun to see as "normal" are actually abuse. We are trained to blame ourselves, justify the behaviours, minimize them or believe it's not that bad because "he didn't hit me".
In this episode we cover how sexual compulsions and pornography addiction are abusive in nature and the basics of why this is abuse so that we can shift our beliefs and ask ourselves the tough questions in regards to how we are being treated and if its normal and acceptable.
We talk a little more about our own experiences facing apologies and forgiveness and how we had to learn new patterns in our relationship. Empty apologies got us nowhere and learning to turn from the behaviours and make active efforts to change helped us to move forward together and rebuild our connections after a conflict. Check out this Blog Post about the 4 step apology
Using the analogy of "the boat" Evelyn digs into some of the steps and stages of betrayal recovery and reparations. Pointing out where people often get stuck or hung up and how we can change our focus so we can go further and find healing beyond just stopping the "bad behaviours".
Should we quickly forgive and forget? Why is this idea so common and how should we face it when dealing with people struggling with sexually compulsive behaviours and addictions? How do we really forgive and apologize?
Evelyn and Aaron discuss his experience with the label of addiction, their different views on labeling and how it can be weaponized, and ultimately what questions we need to be asking instead.
This follow up to the previous episode goes a little deeper into our experince and feelings and how we came to question the quick labeling of "addiction."
Bible verses referenced: James 1:14-15
Learn about the tools used to assess if its sexually compulsive behaviours or an addiction and whats the difference. Lots of times in recovery the label of addiciton is freely or quickly given, but should it be? And what are the dangers or concerns with doing it this way?
Evelyn and her husband, Aaron, discuss different types of triggers and their effects, along with their own personal experiences with triggers, and how to use triggers as tools. Betrayal Trauma often brings with it many triggers and trauma responses that can stay with us for a long time, but we can learn to use them to help us heal and grow. For the Trigger Tracker download head to www.heyevelynjames.ca/links
Everyone has one, but not all of us stop to ask ourselves where it is. In this episode Evelyn asks the tough question, "where is your line" to help listeners dig in and determine what that big boundary actually is. What will you and wont you allow to continue in your life and family, and more importantly what are you willing to do when that line is crossed. This one might ruffle some feathers but I hope you can listen to understand and will take the time to sit with it and ask yourself the tough questions and spend those 5 extra minutes going even deeper.
Dive into what betrayal trauma is, where it comes from, and how it affects those experiencing it. Learn about common symptoms and reactions, triggers and how to face and recognize them. This episode is perfect for sharing with family and friends who may not understand what BT is and how deeply it can affect someone.