The Daily Vulnerable #WithChude: Recent Episodes
Chude Jideonwo
Every day, we hear people talk about successes, fearlessness, victories, glory. But how about the things we never talk about – our fears, insecurities, doubts, mistakes, flaws. Or the people who slash us every day with selfishness, thoughtlessness, and a lack of consciousness. Whether you’re wealthy or not, famous or not, well-traveled or not – we all have these; we all face these. We talk about them on The Daily Vulnerable every day – so you know you are perfectly, rightly, human, and you learn how to go beyond these daily foibles and be your best possible self, every single day.
love is treating a person as you would like to be treated. Love is not about being careless with people, that's sentimentality, and this comes from insecurities.
If you keep doing the right thing everyday, not paying attention to what other people are doing, you will reap the reward.
That's so powerful.
In Nigerian parlance, we say, "Dem no dey catch late comer", which means that they don't punish people who start things late. Who cares that you achieved your goals later than your friends? Do you.
You always have the right to make another choice. We often refuse to change our minds because we are afraid of people judging us. If you made a mistake, you have the right to change your mind.
What matters is not what happens to you but how you react to the things that happen to you.
No one can ever say in this life that a thing can't change, or a young person's voice can matter. The thing about change is that we never know when, where, how. But change is always one more step away. The cynical never make change happen.
Right now, in the midst of #EndSARS, young Nigerians are speaking their truth. But it didn't start today. It started from the time when those oppressed in the past didn't stop speaking their truth.
Life is not about you, that means we are all in this together, you are not alone. It is also about you because whatever actions/decisions you make, you take responsibility for them.
Most of us already know what to do with our lives - the jobs to quit, relationships to let go of - we are only looking for someone to give us permission to do them. We always need people in our lives who validate us.
No one is entitled to listen to you nor take your advice. Allow them choose. Allow them make their mistakes. Even if you turn out right, your job is to help them generate enough positive energy to move past their mistakes.
Your values are yours. When we come together, we need to have a common ethic. The best ethic to have is the ethic of love.
Everyone has experienced failure in life. It is garbage to say 'failure is not an option'. Don't plan to fail, but know that you can fail, so when it comes, it doesn't catch you off guard. Your best alternative when it comes is to keep it moving.
Whatever happens, you need to give the people around you the assurance that they matter to you. These are little gifts of affirmation.
The only thing that qualifies you as a good person is by doing good things. It's that simple. Do. Good. Things.
No one can promise anyone a trouble-free life. Why are you often disoriented when things happen? You shouldn't be shocked when reality happens.
You don't need to wait for a particular age, time, moment, to get your life started. You can start your life at any time.
As long as you are alive, you can still get it right. No matter how many times you have messed up, as long as you are breathing, you have a grand opportunity to end it better.
Without forgiving yourself, you're going to have a miserable life. In forgiving yourself, you're doing yourself and the world a favour. Forgive yourself.
One of the researchers on emotions said, "emotion is energy in motion." Energy must move. Tears are good. They were given to us for a reason. It will make you feel better and process your emotions in more effective ways.
On this week's episode, we wanted to find out what good, what damage, #BBNaija does to young lives. There were screams, there was anger, some guests got to the edge of tears, and we got a little closer to the emotions that make this show such a major part of our lives.
Sadness is a legitimate part of the vista of human emotions. It helps you empathise, understand, it softens and humbles you. It helps you respect the vulnerability of others. It is not something to run away from but to embrace.
We often live like death will not come. It's such a waste of time. Death will come and we can't possibly know when. This should allow us live the most of each moment as if it's our last. We should be grateful for each moment we have.
We don't need death to remind us that people are going through a lot. Our lives should be a daily reminder that people do go through a lot and respond with empathy.
Not everything has to go perfectly before it goes excellently. You don't have to get every decision right, you just have to get enough of it right for you to be able to achieve your goals.
RetailReligion - On this episode, Dr Sunday Adelaja talks about the many unbiblical practices of Churches in Nigeria, and what is truly expected of the Church.
There are times in our lives when making assumptions is inevitable. But if we can avoid it, then we should for our own personal effectiveness.
When we are going through tough times, there's a likelihood to think that all you've got is yourself. This is often an instinct for self-preservation. But the best way to deal with trouble is to ask for help.
A point of view matters. You can't go through this world without it. Having a point of view, a strong set of beliefs are important. The magic however is being open to other
If the talking has no purpose but you feed your ego, then it makes sense to conserve your energy. It is good advice to focus on doing more and talking less.
All you want to do in this life is to find out what are my weaknesses, biases, where am I about to take the wrong turn, etc. You don't do this to judge yourself, but to get better.
RetailReligion - Pastor Wale Adenuga, convener of Green Worship, talks about the impact of gospel music from Nigeria, and what the annual worship concert, will be like this year.
You are responsible for the energy you bring to the room. No one else is. You have the power of choice on how you want to show up.
Just trying, constantly, that's what matters. And it is better you try with compassion, self-love, and self-forgiveness. Trying in these ways, is trying better.
Choose to be authentic. Authenticity comes from a series of choices we make everyday. To be authentic, all you have to do is show up everyday and keep making the choice everyday to be.
Death is inevitable. That is a fact. To fear death is to deprive yourself of the benefits of enjoying the present. There has never been a case where fear prevented the inevitable.
On this episode, Pastor ID Iluyomade talks about the responsibilities of the Church to its community and the world at large.
Despite our horrible experiences, we need practise the exercise of gratitude. Some of our tough times were necessary to see us through the life at the time. It is important that we are grateful for our lives.
The reason why many of can't trust is because we haven't done the hard work to set boundaries, create systems, and then let it go. The most suspicious are still being robbed blind.
All you know about the world is not all there is to know about the world. There's so much to learn. We are a piece of the universe, a tiny spec. We are often resistant to new ideas and knowledge in order no to upset our preconceived notions and principles. We could be wrong for all we know.
You need to learn not to get married to your ideas. It shouldn't be difficult to change your mind. You want to be sure that fear is not making you refuse to admit that your first option may be wrong.
When you disagree with something, you should rumble with it, give it space, think about it then make your decision on it. You should supplant your mind with that of someone else because your respect them or they've been right before.
RetailReligion - Bishop Mike Okonkwo, in this interview, talks about the infallible truth of the gospel and the unconditional love of God towards all.
Many of us are so suspicious of sharing our ideas. As you are thinking it, very likely other people are thinking about it too. Idea don't come to us because we are special, what makes the difference is the person that executes it.
When it comes to advice, I am always seeking, listening, asking. When I make great decisions, it is an aggregate of ideas from so many smart people, received, collected and synthesised.
When you get feedback on something, the pain you feel isn't a real pain, it's a counterfeit pain - the pain your ego tells you exist when actually, nothing is wrong.
Dealing with insecurity is a big deal. But however flawed and imperfect you are, you are more than enough. That's all that matters.
When you have a big weakness, it often lodges in people's minds and it will take a long time before they can change that perception encoded in their memory. What should matter is are you getting better on your journey?
Some problems require deliberation, some require asking for help, some requires leaving it alone, going away for a while and coming back to it. You should learn to journal to track your decisions.
RetailReligion - On this episode, Nike Adeyemi talks about what the quality of life (both spiritual and physical) of a believer should be, different from the labels and stereotypes of religion.
The Harvard Grand Study - studying people for over 75 years - found out the elements of life that makes people truly happy, strong healthy relationships being one of them
Every problem you have is your responsibility to solve, irrespective of who caused it. This is called radical responsibility.
A lot of people are obviously frustrated, sad, heartbroken, and they still deny it and say they are fine. If you allow people make you stop being vulnerable, you should realise that you are the one dealing with the loneliness, pain, hurt. You should allow yourself be vulnerable.
Emotions can only be self reported, and therapists know this. You may know a person is lying, but you can't say it for this person. People can only be encouraged to be vulnerable to be honest about how they feel.
RetailReligion - Rev.Father Oluoma came with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but that truth! No bars were held as he talked about how the socio-political system of the country affects the Church and religion generally in Nigeria.
The first step to radical forgiveness is to acknowledge that there are those you haven't forgiven. Don't lie to yourself that you have forgiven when you haven't or you don't care when you actually do.
This is the idea that there is nothing anything that anyone can do to you that you cannot forgive because it is in your power to forgive. When you forgive, you are exercising power.
When you see people making smart arguments, sometimes, it is fear - they are afraid of being cheated, lied to, manipulated, oppressed, not being appreciated. The best way to respond, when you remember this central truth, is with empathy.
Hiding things by not saying the truth does not make things better. It is on you to ask for the truth and encourage people to tell the truth, than to be polite and hide it.
A book from one of my mentors, Charlie Monger, is titled 'All I want to know is where I'm going to die so I don't go there'. This speaks to understanding reality for what it is not what you want to hear.
RetailReligion - Mfon Ekpo goes deep and talks about what our relationship with God should be like as against what religion teaches.
There's nothing worse than the inflated ego of thinking you're perfect and beyond flaws. If you never get negative feedback, those around you are lying to you.
Someone said to me recently that they didn't trust my integrity. First, I was annoyed, then, quickly, I moved beyond that reaction. I rumbled with it, I thought about it and came to my own conclusion.
Every criticism you receive is constructive because you are the one that receives it and constructs something from it, irrespective of the intentions of where it came from.
When you meet people who have advice for everybody, don't let them distract you. You don't have control over them, you have control over yourself.
RetailReligion - Pastor Wale Adefarasin talks about the specific roles the Church should (and shouldn't) be playing during this period of uncertainty and fear all over the world.
There's a lot of excess in the many movements across the world - gay rights, trans right, women rights, black lives rights etc. You want to make sure that no matter what, you always come from a place of empathy.
When you say "I don't know", it opens the door of possibilities. When you lie that you know when you don't know, you have closed the door of learning something new.
We all have biases. Many people pretend that they don't have bias. The first step to making a decision not to be biased is to accept that you have a bias.
So many times, we are screaming so loudly that people can't hear us. This often happens out of fear and frustration. The only way for people to hear what you are saying is to say it clearly.
The beauty is lived when you are in a space of curiosity - eternal curiosity. You can not be in a space of eternal curiosity when you are always taking a stand, you have an opinion about everything. When you hear a thought, can you take time to reflect before you say something?
RetailReligion - Pastor Abel Damina goes deep into what religion should be about - explaining what our relationship with God should be like and the true character of ministry.
You don't have to say every thought that comes to your mind. When you come up with a thought or idea, you have to test it if it is really worth spreading before you express yourself.
We sometimes forget that we have a range of possible actions to take in the middle of situations that has happened. That space of non-acceptance is the space of negative emotions. Don't get stuck in denial.
Whatever happens to you, accept it. Whether you accept it or not, what has happened has happened and you can't undo it. Don't fight reality. What you have control over is what you do next.
You want to ensure that you are able to have wisdom and clarity of thoughts to identify different things - not everyone is trying to manipulate you. You want to be careful about judging people's intentions quickly.
Like milk not properly taken care of, emotions often congeal when exposed to the wrong conditions and not properly taken care of. When people hurt you, when you are sad, lonely, you treat your emotions well - engage it, transform it, treat it well.
RetailReligion - Mr Valentine Ozigbo talks about the vital role the church has to play in impressing positive change in our society.
As people cut you emotionally, it is your responsibility to treat the wound and heal. The way to treat emotional cuts is to engage it and process it. When we don't, it accumulates and becomes pain.
Cognitive journaling is the idea of identifying your emotions, expressing your emotions and moving forward. The Christian bible gives a good perspective on what cognitive journaling is.
People often say they are okay when they are barely surviving emotionally. Emotional survival are situations that tighten your emotions - when you don't feel the way you'd rather feel in that same situation. You shouldn't merely survive, you should thrive emotionally.
Someone once said to me, 'that makes no sense'. The fascination was that I did not feel offended, even when the normal reaction should have been me taking offence. I had learnt that no one can really offend without my own participation, without me allowing it.
Unhappiness comes from the decisions we make that we don't like and we are not proud of. It forms like the accumulation of soot in a exhaust pipe over time.
On this episode, Pastor Sarah Omakwu talks about taking a stance of justice for the people she serves at all times and speaking truth to power even at the expense of losing what some may call 'beneficial' relationships.
Most of what we claim to be planning for when we say we are planning for the future is about our economic future. When you plan for the economic future, are you planning for the other future? Friendships, relationship with divinity etc.
Are you as good as you expect other people to be? You are the one that really matters. Your criticism doesn't change a lot of people, but it can do a lot of good to yourself. The only person you have control over is yourself.
When people love and respect you, they tend to put you on a pedestal. You have to stab the picture of perfection. Once they start to deify you, when you fall, the fall will be great.
Some people don't have the desire to do you harm but still they do. You need to understand that the absence of intention is not the absence of action. 'I didn't mean to do it' doesn't mean it didn't happen.
The beauty of loving a person doesn't only come when the person loves you back or when the person says "I love you too". What a person does with what you feel shouldn't ruin the essence and splendour of what you feel.
Bishop Matthew Kukah talks the interconnection between the church, politics and religion at large, in Nigeria, sharing from his experience and access to the corridors of power from the Obasanjo regime. He also talks about the need for secularity in the Nigerian government.
The feeling of love will help you realise that life shouldn't be about private jets, 30-room mansions, election victories, alone. Life should really be about two human beings, being the complete, utter fullness of themselves, together and for each other.
Unless your bitterness and anger is going to be used to achieve that thing you want to achieve, then your negative emotions are useless in getting you to where you want to be.
Most people that love mysterious things often don't know what they are talking about. The only way to get out of this trap is to use your sense.
All of the negative emotions we often feel only exists in our mind. That embarrassment we feel only comes from inside, it often doesn't reality on the outside. And it's a sign to look deeper into ourselves to heal.
It is important to be able to differentiate who is suffering in any given circumstance. If many of us truly reflect on this, we'll leave many of the negative emotions we carry about.
On this episode of the Future of Faith, Chude and Pastor Ituah Ighodalo talk about the crucial role the church has to play during and post-pandemic.
When you realise that you can't undo the past by holding on to a grudge or refusing to forgive someone who hurt you, then it becomes easy for you to, as they say in Nigeria, 'free your mind'.
People often think forgiving too quickly allows the person do it again. The person will only do it again, if you allow them to.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. When you stay in the present moment, you realise that no matter what is happening around, your life can access so much beauty.
People often think that because one is powerful, rich, has luxuries of life, the person is impervious to pain. That's not true. Powerful people are humans too. Powerful people feel pain.
There is something in me that also created the sun, moon and stars. I am special and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. If you know who you are, you won't allow disrespect around you and you won't feel intimidated by another who knows who they are.
To stay in our place of personal power sometimes means taking action that will lead to consequence that we don't like. We don't want the consequence of doing the right thing, so we prefer to pretend that we had no choice.
If you don't want that negative prophecy to be fulfilled, take action, stop the cycle. You are more powerful than you think you are.
The one thing that makes the difference between those and succeed is time. They wait. They don't give up when the work gets tough. Effort plus time is what leads to results.
Human beings love drama, complaining about things that are within their control to change. There are too many people that willingly and enthusiastically go down the road to buy drama when it's not needed.
When a person does a thing to us the first time, believe them. They have shown you who they are. Stop scrounging for evidence that they are different from who they've shown you they are.
Emotions are the energy of life. So, how you feel actually determines how you experience time. You cannot experience reality different from how you feel.
There is nothing you can't survive. There is nothing you can't go through. You are bigger than your fears.
As soon as you forgive yourself, you find it easy to forgive others. because you realise that you take responsibility for not allowing yourself recognise the boundaries to your heart and beautiful spirit.
When you have a life where you're the only person everybody is wronging and you do no wrong, you're most likely telling yourself a lie. You are likely lacking two key attributes of wisdom and ability to invite feedback.
Research shows that the usual duration for infatuation to last is about 1 year. Nowadays, it's about 3 months. After three months, people begin to doubt if they ever loved the person in the first place. At this phase, it's time to start taking deliberate, conscious, and mindful actions to sustain the love you were given freely as a gift.
Have a life so beautiful, so complete, so content, that it doesn't matter whether another person comes for the ride, whether they find time for you or not, you're able to enjoy your life. That's self-love.
There's nothing more dangerous than a smart person who can make a convincing argument about the wrong thing.
When you say this is not where I’m supposed to be in life, when did God show you the map of your life to tell you where exactly you’re supposed to be at this moment?
If you are following somebody who is spending time subbing you, you know, I figure that is what the unfollow button is there for.
Many of us go through life looking for the approval of so many other people, that we don’t appreciate the families and the love we have.
What happens if that person you want to like you, never likes you in their life? What happens when the person you want to notice you, never notices you in your life?
Before you make an important choice for your life, ask yourself, did you make that choice because it is what is good for your life or did you make that choice because that’s what your friends on Instagram are doing?
I stayed open to believing that no matter how hard a climb, there is always a way to let in a sliver of light to illuminate the path forward - Oprah.
A person who is pretending to have no emotions around you is a person who is living a lie to you.
You can have all the time in the world but without peace of mind, whatever you have to do including just looking at your phone, it will expand to fill the time available.
Don’t overthink. The only thing that makes a difference in your life is action. It’s taking action, even if it is the smallest, minutest, action.
Those people who are patient are the ones who not only survive, who not only thrive, but who enjoy the rewards of living in this world.
Depression is also just a bully, and like every bully, it runs away from those who stand up to it. It is how you stand up to it that makes the difference.
Build new routines, build new rhythms, build new rituals. You must always remember that you created them to help you live a better life.
Non-attachment says, ‘I will enjoy it, but I’ll realise that at anytime, it can go. So, I’ll both enjoy it and be prepared to lose it at anytime’, at the same time.
Grief is an inescapable part of human existence. The reason why many of us cannot handle grief is because we pretend to ourselves that the people that we love will never leave us.
It is a very miserable way to live life - the lack of the ability to control your reflexes, to say to yourself, ‘people have done this but I am going to choose my reaction’.
The only thing that is predictable about the future is that the future is unpredictable, and so your best bet is to prepare for change.
When someone tells you to not be emotional, ignore them, be emotional. You’re a human being and that’s what human beings do - we emote!
We see a friend’s new car, you wish them well but suddenly you compare yourself with them and you’re like ‘Oh my God, what have I been doing with my life?’
It is impossible for anybody who is really thinking about others, not just themselves, to be truly lonely in this big, wide world.
Are you the kind of person you want to date? Have you done the work of making yourself the best version of yourself?
If you want to change a habit, it is not by force or willpower, It is by replacing one habit with another habit.
People have to earn the right to participate in your life. People have to earn the right to participate in your story. You are a precious piece of the universe.
No one else is responsible for the energy you bring into a room. You alone make the choice as to how you want to show up.
Are you trying your best every day to put out the best possible energy in the world? That’s all you owe yourself and the universe.
Adulation can be a trap; but the more you people know that you’re as human as they are, the more you make it easier for them to do the things that you do, almost as well as you can.
Do not spend time doing the things you won’t enjoy. Do not spend time doing the things that will not give you joy.
For yourself, and the health of your soul, you need to avoid anybody or anything that kills your spirit.
Do not allow another person's opinion about the work you want to do be more important than your own opinion about the work you want to do.
Keep doing the work. Keep putting in the energy. Do what you think you should do, how you think you should do it and when you think you should do it. In the end, your preparation will meet the moment and things will ignite from thereon.
The strong person is one who doesn't allow what others did to them affect who they are. According to Bishop Desmond Tutu in the Book of Joy, 'to deal with hardship without becoming hard'.
Why are you constantly putting yourself in situations that don't honour you? You deserve to the best. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Happiness exists. And there are people who live their lives daily with so much happiness. Living a happy life doesn't have to be your goal, but it can be.
Accountability is saying to yourself; I could have done better, I should have done better, I will do better. Don't blame yourself by saying you're a failure.
If we; leaders, parents, bosses, teachers, keep lying to others about how perfect our lives are, then we make it extremely difficult for others to recover from their mistakes when they make them.
Love is a gift to be received with gratitude by those who have it, to be awaited with grace and a smile by those who haven't received it, and to warm the heart with memories by those who have lost it. To only have experienced true love only briefly is still a gift as priceless as the sun.
When it's time to make a choice about your life, it is important not to choose something because it will make you more money, choose based on what suits the kind of life you want to live as a human being.
The Buddhists talk about 'right perspective'. They say that no matter what is going on in your life if you can think of the right way to process it, it can make a whole lot of difference in your life.
The fact that your life feels unliveable today, doesn't mean it will feel the same tomorrow. If you can just wait, something will happen in your life that will make you look back and say, 'why did I ever consider taking my own life?'
Many people fetishize the suffering of Christ, but what are you focused on? The suffering and death of Christ or his resurrection and life?
To be afraid of disappointment is to waste the grand opportunity you have everyday to live the life you have to the best of your ability.
Don't allow yourself get to the point where you pretend to yourself that you're not a human being that feels a heartbreak or love. We don't like to feel these things, but that's what makes us human beings.
Forgiveness is not dependent on what the person who has hurt you did, forgiveness is something that comes from you.
You are allowed to make mistakes, but forgive yourself. Don't focus only on the things you got wrong and how you disappointed yourself, focus on all the ways you can now improve from what you've done before.
Some people are rich in money, some are rich in friends, some people are rich in relationships. But to be happy, you have to be rich in time. This is called Time Affluence in the literature of happiness.
You don’t need anyone’s approval to be your authentic self. For you to become who you are, you have to face the criticism you fear the most. Have the courage to be yourself, even if those around you don’t approve.
Mistakes are unavoidable, but mistakes are valuable.’ One of the biggest lessons I learnt from one of my greatest teachers, Warren Buffet.
You must learn to give feedback to people in a way that affirms them and validates them. You must not give feedback in a way that makes them feel less of themselves. The minute your candidness, honesty, truth, makes people feel less than human, you’ve crossed the line from effectiveness to destruction.
Gratitude is important for living a joyful life. To be grateful every day, and keeping a gratitude journal is an important practice for wholesome, joyful life.
It is not enough to be authentic - saying what you want to say, doing what you want to do, just speaking your mind. You have to think about other human beings because we are created to live with other human beings and we must consider how our actions affect those around us.
You can not reduce yourself to what one person says or thinks about you, no matter how dear the person is to you. You are more than their opinion of you.
One day, we will be gone from this earth. When that time comes and we are looking at the life we lived, will we sit down on our death beds and say, 'I lived a good life, I made a good choice, I did the things that I wanted to do'?
To live a joyful life doesn't mean you'll be happy every day. To live a joyful life means that you're able to process all the emotions that come to you in proportion.
The one thing I have learnt on the road to joy is to change my relationship with adversity, to be fascinated by it, to dance with it, to even embrace it.
Instead of reading several books [on self-management] over and over again, read one book [about it] and implement what that book teaches. The only way what you read has an effect on your life is when you practice what it teaches. - Chude Jideonwo
In this life, you need the [emotional] space every day to be able to sit down, reflect, and realize the things you did wrong today and how you can be better the next day. - Chude Jideonwo
If you stop doing those [silly] things that make you just be a human being and enjoy life, because of what people will say or what people will think, you're the one that will go to bed feeling miserable not them. You have to open up a space for joy. - Chude Jideonwo
When people do something to you that you don't like, remember the time you did something they didn't like too, and realise that it is your duty to forgive them and forgive yourself too - Chude Jideonwo
To live a joyful life, you have to be comfortable with uncertainty, with being wrong, with confronting how you feel at any point in time. - Brene Brown