Mum As You Are: Recent Episodes
Erin Bowe
Mum as you are is a place for self-compassionate reflection to use what you have within you, right now as you are, perfectly imperfect to find your way through motherhood. I’m Dr Erin Bowe, Clinical & Perinatal Psychologist, Author of More Than a Healthy Baby, course creator and mum of two. This is my second podcast – welcome if you have followed me over from my birth trauma work. This current podcast offering is bite sized, unfancy and unplanned. A roadmap for finding your way back to self-compassion and how to replace numbing and escapism with true, meaningful fun.
You find an hour to yourself. A moment you’ve potentially been anticipating for weeks. What do you do? You fantasize about what you could do - book a massage? see a friend? read a book?
Then the moment comes. Is this excitement or anxiety in your body? Is this feeling calm or am I just frozen? Somehow you can’t think of a single thing you want to but instead are filled with thoughts – I’m feeling ok now, maybe I should just fold laundry. I’ll just go online for a bit, just to get ideas and chill.
Next thing you’re looking at photos of your kids on your phone and the hours is almost up. Now you’re all frustrated and angry at yourself again for not doing alone time ‘properly’.
What happened?
As a mother, I’ve found myself fantasising about the second I can hand the kids over to be alone, only to find that the moment I’m truly alone, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
*NB this episode is available on YouTube if you want to follow along with the visuals
Life in the Five Senses, Gretchen Rubin
https://amzn.to/3qjroyI
Feeding the Soul (Because it’s my Business), Tabitha Brown
https://amzn.to/439h0Zd
The Art of Growing up, John Marsden and Take Risks, John Marsden
https://amzn.to/43tAhEq
https://amzn.to/3C0tLsV
Coretta: My Life, My Love My Legacy, Coretta Scott King
https://amzn.to/3C5kb80
Dissociation made Simple, Jamie Marich
https://amzn.to/3C19NhD
Other books I often recommend to clients
The Postnatal Depletion Cure, Dr Oscar Seralach
https://amzn.to/3IHgvx6
The Power of Fun, Catherine Price
https://amzn.to/3IGrO8T
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, Dr Laura Markham
https://amzn.to/3MYWWmA
AKA Calm Parents, Happy Kids (UK adapted version)
https://amzn.to/3OK6nr5
There's also my books :)
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Getting up at dawn to journal, exercise and smash goals might work well for well-rested people. But what if you're not yet a member of the well-rested Mum's club? Is getting up earlier the answer?
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Wintering doesn’t have to occur in the physical season of winter. It can represent a time in life that’s challenging and depleting. A time when your soul needs to rest and pull back.
Today I share 4 lessons I've learned in wintering
This book might also be helpful:
Wintering: The Art of Rest in Difficult Times
https://amzn.to/43a1Pio
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Some of the best anxiety tools around are ones that people often assume are just for kids. I'll share with you a few fun, playful tools to introduce or re-introduce into your stress and self-care practise.
I recently learned about a tool called Calm Strips. I haven’t tried them yet, and not sponsored, but they look interesting. They look like a sensory toy in sticker form. You can choose a range of textures – bumpy, soft etc. for focus and de-stressing.
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Like pretty much every mum I know, I have too many tabs in my brain open: when did I last worm the dogs? How am I going to find time to go to the dentist? Does my youngest have allergies? Is it bad that I stopped taking my kids to swimming lessons? Is every choice I make as a mum somehow always "wrong"?
The internet regularly gives the message that if only you tried a bit harder, or focused a bit more, you could have the cake and eat it. But don’t eat cake, OK? Because of sugar, white carbs and gluten, oh my. Am I doing anything right?
Turns out there's a is a word for this experience: Paro
It means the feeling that everything you do is somehow wrong.
It works best as a visual example, so if you haven’t seen this short video explaining it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7l2hUp0CkQ I encourage you to watch it. It comes from a book I just discovered and am slightly obsessed with – the dictionary of obscure sorrows by john Koenig. Basically its new words for emotions we all feel but don’t have the language for.
https://amzn.to/3OMlu3A
Social Media Detox for Mums
Amazon Australia
More than a healthy baby: finding strength and growth after birth trauma
https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
One of the dirty secrets of parenting that not too many mums seem willing to talk about is that sometimes parents don’t enjoy playing with their children. Or maybe they never enjoy playing and would go so far as to say they hate it. There’s a few reasons for this, and with a few tweaks the concept of ‘play’ might shift for you.
NB that's cockatoos in the background in case you're wondering. I live in the bush, this is life!
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Something like 90% of new parents will have intrusive, scary thoughts. I'll explain what they are about, how to cope with them and a bit about what situations are expected or 'normal' and what situations would be considered problematic or a psychiatric emergency.
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Following on from last week's episode about EMDR for birth trauma I thought it would be useful to delve into birth debriefs. They've become popular, and I do offer them myself but are their practice standards? What does the research say? And, in what circumstances could they make trauma symptoms worse?
You can read the accompanying blog post on EMDR for birth trauma https://doctorerin.com.au/2023/04/21/emdr-for-birth-trauma/
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
In this episode, I explain as best I can in lay language what EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is and how it can help process past and future births. This type of therapy is intense but it tends to work faster than exposure therapy or CBT based techniques.
You can read the accompanying blog post on EMDR for birth trauma https://doctorerin.com.au/2023/04/21/emdr-for-birth-trauma/
In 2019 I interviewed Krysta Dancy about EMDR for birth trauma on the birth trauma training for birth workers podcast. If you’re in the USA, Krysta’s work would be a great place to start.
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Four times a second your nervous system will ask "Am I SAFE?"
We can find a lot of relief by using practical tools that appeal directly to our 5 senses.
If I asked you - which sense do you think you've been neglecting lately? What might your answer be?
Luckily, one of my favourite writers, Gretchen Rubin has developed a quiz to help you with that very question. You also get suggestions for how to cultivate that sense.
Learn what my neglected sense is and how we can work with the senses in birth, trauma and daily coping
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Recently I was reading a book and came across some useful ideas for what to do while you're waiting for therapy or in between appointments. Usually when someone books an appointment there's been a big wave of emotions. Sometimes the emotions subside a bit while life gets in the way, sometimes we block them, sometimes we forget exactly what was happening or what we were thinking in the times when it felt intense. Writing things down to remember when you have your session helps. Having a list of energy light ups and energy dim downs can help too.
Untamed, Glennon Doyle
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
If you want to pause or quit social media it's usually not as simple as just going cold turkey. This is what I wish I knew before I started my social media detox. some practical, measurable steps that will help get you that meaningful change you're looking for. You can find the handy guide to the steps outlined here.
DASS (depression anxiety stress scale) - note this is a screening tool, not a replacement for mental health diagnosis
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This is the second part of a conversation about the science of why parents judge each other. What happens when we attribute fault to someone else based on their character (e.g, they are an idiot), but we assume people will give US the benefit of the doubt when we have our own crisis?
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Today I'm sharing one of my favourite Easter books that is such a surprise and a delight.
A book written 84 years ago by a white man from the deep south of the USA. Life is full of surprises.
The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes by Du Bose Heyward is a book that teaches children that you can be anything. That mothers are valued. That children thrive when their mothers are happy and fulfilled. That everyone in a family has a role and can contribute, no matter how small.
You can watch the book being read here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ulp4nPyQ0w
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
There is research evidence suggesting that women are judged more harshly for their decisions than men.
In The gift of imperfect parenting, Brene Brown says we judge each other so harshly because most of us feel like we are barely holding on. We are afraid of making mistakes, so we perceive anyone who is doing anything differently as criticising our choices.
Leaning into growth and changing behaviours that better reflect and serve your value system is huge. Applying a sense of compassionate self-reflection when it comes to judging ourselves and others is an important part of the conversation.
Judging is an anthropological and safety behaviour. We don’t need to judge our judging (lol) but I think it helps to be mindful of what purpose judging serves. Let's unpack it a little.
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
I've been following this blog for years. I tool I've taken from Pip is the idea of taking stock. I like to recommend it because rather than sitting down and getting all stressed about goals you may or may not have met, you just take a quiet few moments to jot down where you’re at and what you’re doing right now.
I’ve found it’s a nice way to sit in the moment, and later look back on the small things we easily forget. Sometimes those small things become the big things :)
For a taking stock list, I just throw out a few verbs and fill in the blanks. Nothing too organised or fancy, just what comes to mind!
Want to be a course tester? LAST CHANCE!!!!
Want to be a tester for my brand new 21 day social media detox course? You can try it for $21USD before it goes on sale to the public. Use code 21FOR21 until March 21st
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
We're told to prioritize self-care, but do we ever really hear about prioritizing fun? I'll share some lessons I've been learning in how to make motherhood more fun
Catherine Price also has a book on the topic called The Power of Fun: Why Fun is the Key to a Happy and Fulfilling Life.
https://amzn.to/3Sc06UR
Want to be a course tester?
Want to be a tester for my brand new 21 day social media detox course? You can try it for $21USD before it goes on sale to the public. Use code 21FOR21 until March 21st
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
When I look back on my early mothering, I'm often wondering "what would I do differently? What was making me miserable then that I now have clarity on?"
I came up with 5 things.
Want to be a course tester?
Want to be a tester for my brand new 21 day social media detox course? You can try it for $21USD before it goes on sale to the public. Use code 21FOR21 until March 21st
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
If you've struggled with motivation and trying to change a behaviour maybe consider that laziness and willpower have nothing to do with it. Maybe you've been trying to make a style of motivation fit when it's a total mismatch to your personality? Today I'll share a tip that has really helped me understand why certain approaches (like bootcamp!) really don't work for my personality type.
Take the 4 Tendencies quiz, and see if you find your 'aha!' moment
You can find Gretchen’s book on the 4 tendencies
https://amzn.to/3YHc8bx
Want to be a course tester?
Want to be a tester for my brand new 21 day social media detox course? You can try it for $21USD before it goes on sale to the public. Use code 21FOR21 until March 21st
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale!
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This week I jumped to hit record after a client and I pulled out some good nuggets about control. Often, when we automatically go to scroll, we’re not really there for the content (the things we watch, read and listen to). We’re there for the process and the associated feeling (numbing and subconsciously trying to control)
We’re not honest with ourselves (and our therapists!) about our verbs
We tell ourselves we are researching, when actually we are comparing
We say we are relaxing, when actually we are numbing
We say we are checking when actually we are distracting
Instead of surrendering to the fact that we ultimately can’t control things like:
How our children behave (they have free will)
How many followers we will get
How much money we will make
It feels incredibly uncomfortable to surrender so staying with the illusion of control can become a breeding ground for addiction. We ultimately numb, distract, avoid and control things to avoid pain.
Today, I'll share some compassionate tools you can use to recognise when you're using scrolling and checking as a way of controlling anxiety and stress
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale! with the 21 day online course soon to follow
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This is the one I recorded then deleted three times. Then I recorded it, but decided I didn’t want to publish. I went ahead and wrote a few other posts instead, and look, it would be absolutely fine if I never shared it with the world. But then it nagged at me.
In reading The Tools by Phil Stutz (go watch the Netflix documentary, Stutz if you haven’t yet, it’s brilliant) and Barry Michels, a passage jumped out at me:
‘There is a way to find it [self belief]; it involves a profound secret. What appears to be a weak and inferior Shadow is really the conduit for a higher force- and it’s only this higher force that gives us enduring self-worth’
So, I share this today so that someone else (whether they ever share it with me or not) has the sense of “oh thank God I’m not alone. I don’t have to be perfect”
If you’re having a moment where a negative feeling isn’t passing maybe what you need is to just sit with it.
It’s ok to just sit in the feelings and have compassion for yourself that they are there, rather than trying to fix them or get rid of them.
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale! with the 21 day online course soon to follow
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Today I share a little peak inside the 21 day social media detox course I'm working on. This activity will challenge you to try monotasking - listening to an album from beginning to end WITHOUT doing anything else at the same time. Just listening, not judging, just noticing. When I fist tried this for myself it was embarrassingly much harder than I thought it would be. The urge to pick up my phone or do something else was strong, but I think this helps us with our focus. Just one thing at a time helps the nervous system and brain relax.
Music nerd detour...
Rick Beato has a YouTube channel where he breaks down popular songs in a really satisfyingly nerdy way, if you're interested.
This is his long interview with Billy Corgan. Siamese Dream is probably one of my go-to sit down and listen from start to finish albums, so it was very satisfying to learn how it was produced.
I'd love to hear if you gave this challenge a try, and what your go-to albums are :)
Social Media Detox for Mums now on sale! with the 21 day online course soon to follow
Booktopia
Angus & Robertson
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
I attempt to summarize my new book, social media detox for mums in less than 10 minutes. A brief overview of what you can expect to find in the chapters and what I hope will be the major takeaways from this book.
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums is open!
Booktopia (21% off)
Angus & Robertson (20% off)
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
I take you through a handful of the books that have impacted me in some way along this motherhood journey. Most are not even parenting books per se - there were so many I could include, but ultimately I chose ones that inform my work and philosophy on life, and even a few that have pictures.
Show notes here allows limited space, so for the full title list, head to my blog
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums is open!
Booktopia (21% off)
Angus & Robertson (20% off)
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
When getting up earlier, staying up later, or working when kids nap isn't an option...
I'm currently home with my kids for school holidays, but I've still got work to get done (I've got a book coming out afterall!). In this episode I share a little about how I've gotten things done while the kids are around. It's not perfect. It doesn't always pan out, and yes, to be honest sometimes it feels like we're back in lockdown, but hopefully these suggestions help.
This podcast episode was recorded as part of a video series on my YouTube channel
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums is open! It's currently part of Booktopia's New Year, New You promo
Booktopia (21% off)
Angus & Robertson (20% off)
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
5 tools to cope with overstimulation. Brene Brown says we cannot selectively numb, and yet we still try it out multiple times a day. Even an amoeba in a petri dish will move away to avoid a toxin. We all avoid feeling pain. When we pick up our phones for a quick check or a quick scroll, it’s often to avoid pain. To distract from the overstimulation of mothering.
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums is open!
Booktopia (21% off)
Angus & Robertson (20% off)
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Staying in your body and feeling grounded when you're stressed is hard! My gift to you over this holiday season is some tools to stay grounded and keep your nervous system supported. This particular episode makes more sense with the visuals, so head to my YouTube channel if you want to see me demonstrate the tools
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums is open!
Booktopia (21% off)
Angus & Robertson (20% off)
Amazon Australia
Amazon US & REST OF THE WORLD
Book Depository for UK/EUROPE
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Is it true that when you heal the trauma you stop some of your trauma reactions?
Not necessarily!
Sometimes, in addition to managing stress and dealing with out traumas, we need pattern interrupters. AKA tools to help undo some automatic behaviours. Maybe you come from a family of yellers and it's become an ingrained, automatic behaviour? As much as you want to stop, it keeps creeping in? If you've struggled with mum rage then this tool I'll share might be useful for you.
Pre orders for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums open January 3rd from all the usual retailers. Keep an eye out!
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
A tool to use when you're having one of those days (or many of those days!) where you just feel like you're failing at motherhood. Feeling capable and confident is a practise!
Pre order for my new book, Social Media Detox for Mums will open January 3rd from all the usual retailers. Keep an eye out!
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :) My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/ Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Instagram can be a positive experience, no doubt. However, it's also a breeding ground for toxic positivity and a cultural phenomenon that's maybe best described as cruel optimism.
Today I'll explain where we blur the boundaries between Positive Psychology (a really useful, evidence based and amazing mental health movement) and toxic positivity.
In other words, what happens when people tout an overly simplistic 'pom pom' shaking approach to mental health and parenting. When we say things like "just be positive", or "practice gratitude" while bypassing some of the complexities of mental health, it can be not only unhelpful, it's downright cruel.
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
My girls have their birthdays 2 days apart so this is the time of the year I think back to their births 5 and 7 years ago. Even though I’m done with babies, I absolutely still use some of the techniques I learned and taught in Hypnobirthing. I used one of them just the other day.
I thought it might be interesting to reflect on what tools I still use.
If you don’t know, I used to teach Hypnobirthing through Hypnobirthing Australia and it helped with my own two traumatic births. It’s still something I endorse and use, I just think there’s a big variety in what’s taught in different programs. I’m personally not a fan of techniques that use too much frontal lobe activity – counting contractions and breathing in and out for certain counts. In birth, we want the problem-solving part of the brain to feel safe enough to turn off so that the deeper, mammalian brain can do what’s it’s designed to do.
I’m also not a fan of the cruel optimism culture that can exist within some Hypnobirthing communities. Planning for a positive birth is one thing. Getting self-righteous about ‘natural or nothing’ can be cruel and invalidating.
There’s no right way to Hypnobirth – drugs or no drugs, interventions or no interventions, you should never be made to feel like you’ve failed or didn’t try hard enough.
I'll talk your through my 5 most used tools!
P.S. If you want to see me use the Chinese Finger Trap exercise, the video format of this episode is on my YouTube channel 👇
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This week I reflect on busyness and its relationship with parental (or any other kind) burnout
I'll discuss:
Why people look at me funny whenever I'm asked if work is "busy" and I say "No!"
My history with associating being busy with being safe - family patterns, coping with school bullying, work patterns and coping as a new mum with birth trauma
How my body has shown me that I'm no longer built for being busy
Why we use busyness to avoid stillness and why we need stillness to grow and learn
The quote about life that made my stomach flip and an exercise you can use to reflect on the life you want
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
In this episode I'll spend some time reflecting on an observation I've really noticed in the last 12 months - that more and more women are talking about being diagnosed with ADHD.
I'll cover:
How we can reflect on - what is parental burnout and/or anxiety, depression and trauma from the pandemic, versus what is ADHD?
Is it possible the pandemic has highlighted underlying, undiagnosed ADHD for adult women?
How common is ADHD, really?
A little bit of history behind why so many adults were never diagnosed
Myths around what we think ADHD should look like
Myths and history around medication
What does ADHD look like in adults? What would you be looking for before you go off and get tested (which is an expensive and multi-step process, but might well be life changing for some)
AND- something I'd always stress - The trickiness of diagnosing a neuro-developmental disorder by using observation, rather than actually looking at the brain.
You can watch the video version of this conversation on my YouTube channel
P.S. If you're looking for a Psychologist in Australia who specializes in ADHD, I used to share an office at Uni with Maddi Derrick. She set up ADHD Hobart and has lived experience.
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This week I reflect on how social media impact the maintenance stage of mental health
I wonder how many mums go to therapy or coaching for one hour a week. In that one hour, they work on strategies to feel better. But then, within an hour they are on Instagram scrolling for 20-plus hours before their next session. Do you see what I’m saying about how social media addiction might just be cancelling out the deep mental health work? That it might, in fact, be interrupting the process of maintenance?
I'll talk about the cruel optimism that is telling people to "just use it less" and why overly simplistic solutions ultimately don't work for complex issues
I'll share 4 of my top takeaways about my own mental health I've noticed since quitting socials 18 months ago
You can watch the video version of this conversation on my YouTube channel 👇
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This week I explain something that's the bread and butter of most types of therapies - when should you actually feel and process your feelings and when should you use a tool (like distraction) to just manage in the moment?
I'll cover:
What is 'urge surfing'?
When does distraction NOT work very well?
Validating the experience of having a child who is upset and just isn't calming down with your usual bag of tricks
Thinking about when is it safe to feel feelings
I'll share an anecdote about how even the late Queen used distraction, and a story about how I sometimes used to pass out when I tried using distraction
SALE!
With it being Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Awareness week in Australia (November 6-12th) I'm running a sale on all my mental health courses.
Use code: PANDAWEEK22 at the checkout
For 50% RRP until November 13th
✨Coping with Perinatal Anxiety and Depression (RRP $68 USD down to $34)
✨More Than a Healthy Baby- Coping with Birth Trauma for Parents (RRP $68 USD down to $34)
✨My best-selling Birth Trauma Training for Birth workers (*which now includes the bonus Working with Partners course) RRP $144 USD down to $72
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Book mentioned
Discipline is Destiny - Ryan Holiday
Today I share an acronym that's used in addiction recovery and why I think it's a helpful prompt to put as a visual on the lock screen of your phone.
I'll cover:
Noticing what your body is telling you about internal stress cues
It's human to want to distract or get rid of pain
Reflecting on your own experience of connection versus communication and are you actually topped up by using your phone? What could you do instead?
Get a copy of my birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
This week I reflect back on how much early motherhood takes out of us, and how it can be so hard to figure out when to keep going and when to rest
How the first 5 years of parenting often coincides with the first 5 years of a new business for many mums. Working on your business versus working on your Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs isn't something we're taught at school
How it can feel like the world forgets how exhausting motherhood is. We are expected to parent like we don't have a job, yet work like we don't have kids
How there needs to be a health disclaimer for mothers entering entrepreneurship
Conversations around worth, sleep and productivity as mothers
In this episode, I talk about shame, should-ing all over yourself and the stuff that stops us from being the Mum we want to be
I talk briefly about:
How shame doesn't change behaviour
An acronym to reflect on how shame feels
What happens when you open your mouth and your mother/grandmother comes out
How we can cope with the shame that gets triggered from our kids and our parenting reactions
Creating your own legacy for the ancestor you want to be
It's deliberately short so you can digest just a chunk :)
I've been noticing myself and other people using the word "still" quite frequently. As in "still" tired, "still" overwhelmed. As if we somehow have an internalized belief that we shouldn't be feeling this way.
Rather than judging ourselves, I wonder what would happen if we stopped adding the word "still" before our emotional experiences?
My birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
I'm often asked how on earth I managed to write and publish my first book when I still had a baby and a 2 year old. Today, I'll take you through my messy mother's writer's routine and how I wrote More Than a Healthy Baby: Finding Strength and Growth After Birth Trauma.
This was a book that just had to come out of me! and no, I didn't get up at 5AM or sacrifice any precious sleep to get it done.
I'll take you through:
How to take the pressure off and maybe rethink what it actually means to write a book (versus what you think it has to mean)
Why I think a lot of writer routines you hear about are unachievable for mothers (and a bit wanky)
The difference between 'shallow' writing and 'deep writing'
How I take notes and research
How to know if a book topic is going to sustain you for the time it realistically takes to write, publish and promote a book
My birth trauma book: https://amzn.to/3cAuvfu
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
My Website: https://doctorerin.com.au/
Mental health courses I teach: https://doctorerin.com.au/shop
Inquiries: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Leonie Dawson's 40 days to a finished book course: https://leoniedawson.mykajabi.com/a/16702/WLQMzAFu
I used this for my second book, Social Media Detox for Mums. If you benefit from the accountability of signing up to a course and having daily check ins, this might help.
If you struggle to practice self-compassion, know you're not alone!
In this episode I talk about:
Why telling Mums "don't worry about the mess!" can be invalidating
How buying my kids stuff from Kmart to get a dopamine hit through lockdowns was OK. How it's also OK to move that stuff along now, along with all the gifts family wanted to give them after not seeing them for a while.
Normalising mum rage
Why clutter can be triggering for childhood wounds. I talk about my own ancestral patterning around poverty vs having too much "stuff"
How to practise self-compassion by allowing ourselves to sit with the negative emotions that come up when we have regret or shame around purchases or things we've brought into the house that we don't use, want or even like!
If you'd like to follow along my slow living journey on my YouTube channel
I also send a weekly email and have old school-style pen pals rather than use social media :)
10 things to help slow down life. Some of these things are mental health specific tips, others are things I'd write in a letter to 'past Me'. Lessons, things I wish I did differently. As always, these are not rules or things one must live by! It will be different for everyone. These are just things that helped me.
Today I'll teach you a great tool for remembering 5 easy mental health tools. Things you can count on when you're overwhelmed or stressed. I've used this in therapy for years, and when I used to teach hypnobirthing this was probably the most popular and useful tool I taught birth partners!
Should we be just 'be positive?' Or is there space to normalise and talk about secret, shameful, hidden behaviours?
Many of us have been indoctrinated into an idea that engaging with shadow is not something 'nice girls' are supposed to do. There are also massive fears for Mums who have negative thoughts about what it means if you're drawn towards reading horrific news or watching violent crime shows.
What are some of the reasons our brains drift towards finding negative content engaging?
Can engaging with negative content be part of healthy anger release and shadow work?
What needs do doom scrolling, watching sad animal videos and Facebook 'stalking' serve? Why does your brain do things like this?
A super quick, easy technique to reset your nervous system. Directed eye movements to calm the vagus nerve.
Note, you can be lying down or seated for this, but not driving!
Black mothers in the Bronx are still 12 times more likely to die in childbirth than white women
For more information about the film, visit:
https://www.aftershockdocumentary.com
My interview with Bruce McIntyre
Save a Rose foundation
My book:
More Than a Healthy Baby: Finding strength and growth after birth trauma
So you've tried using your phone less and you're left antsy, fidgety and generally not feeling as calm as you tell yourself you should?
You're not alone! While the idea of using your phone less is a good one, it's still a huge change and there's not enough conversation around what happens to your brain when you make a huge change like this.
Why you can't stop checking and looking for rewards, reassurance, and validation
Why talking about will power and self-control is too simplistic and unhelpful
Why distraction is a community problem, not an individual problem
www.doctorerin.com.au
Beating yourself up for not drinking 2 liters of water a day, doing yoga every morning, journaling for 30 minutes, making green smoothies with $40 lettuces, intermittent fasting, knowing if you should be doing HITT or lifting weights, never sitting down unless you’re meditating…? It’s all a bit exhausting
Rhythms and routines are good if they help you, but notice if they feel restrictive or something you use to punish yourself?
I'll teach you a trick I use to decide if a morning routine is helpful or unhelpful
So many of us are spending our days switching between distraction and rest. Where is the middle? Without a 'middle state' (positive goals and finding a flow state) we will just drift back to distraction again and again and again. We seek escape from distraction by crashing. We cope with a day of overload by collapsing in front of the tv or scrolling because our brains are fried from over stimulation and the idea of 'doing' anything with effort seems too much. But if you only break away from distraction into rest and don’t replace it with a flow, genuine fun and a positive goal you are striving towards, you’ll always be pulled back to distraction. We need flow state.
Social media companies don't really want you finding flow state. It's not in their best financial interest to have you working on hobbies or spending hours getting lost fun without them. They want your eyeballs on their platform for as long as possible.
Let's talk about how to get yourself out of the rest-distract cycle gently and without judgment.
The book I'm reading that I mentioned: Stolen Focus by Johann Hari https://amzn.to/3RJ1LRp
How a line I heard in a comedy sketch has me thinking about negativity bias, doom scrolling and why we click on those sad dog videos that YouTube recommends.
I query how long it takes our brains to 'come down' from the anger, frustration and stress hormones that are getting fired up every time we pick up our phones looking for distraction.
You can reach me: dr.erinbowe@gmail.com
Books:
More Than a Healthy Baby: Finding Strength & Growth After After Birth Trauma
https://amzn.to/3PbdohA
Birth Trauma: Tools to Cope
https://amzn.to/3Ri67i8
Courses:
Birth trauma training for birth workers the online course has over 2700 students from 42 countries
https://doctorerin.com.au/btt-full-sales-page
More Than a Healthy Baby: How to Cope With Birth Trauma is perfect for people who are navigating their own trauma.
It’s an a la carte menu of some of my best tools and strategies. It’s not a replacement for therapy but it’s a starting point.
https://erinbowe.mykajabi.com/offers/2LTwuM4W
Course Creation for the Caring Professions - how to make your own online course!
https://doctorerin.com.au/course-creation-full-sales-page
21 Day Social Media Detox – coming soon!
12 months ago, on International Women's Day I decided to quit social media. Or, at least I decided to stop using it until Mother's Day 8 weeks later and see what happened. As I've spoken about before on my blog, the impact on my mood, attention and general sense of well being was huge. https://doctorerin.com.au/i-quit-social-media-as-a-psychologist-an-author-and-a-mum-heres-what-i-learned/
At this stage, I still can't see myself going back to it. Once I was consistently no longer using social media it kind of became dramaticaly apparrent how little I was actually getting out of it - in terms of financial, social and happiness/joy.
My advice is to really set your own goals and do your own research. These platforms were always designed to get people addicted, and I feel like exhausted, overwhelmed mums are perfectly primed for spending more time thant they'd like on them.
Be kind to yourself if you're planning a break and set something specific and measurable. A weekend of not using socials won't really make that much difference. True behaviour change takes longer - like 21+ days. Find replacement strategies and then be even kinder to yourself when you realise you feel twitchy or weird for not picking your phone up all the time. It takes time, but personally I've found it really freeing.
I've had a massive week where my sense of safety and feeling in control has been challenged more than a few times! Here's a strategy I find helps ground me back into feeling better.
As we begin season 2, I wanted to talk a little about seasons of motherhood and what it's like going into the end of summer phase. A stage where you know you don't want more children, the cot and pram have been packed away or sold and yet you're not quite at peri menopause or menopause. Your kids might be out of nappies and no longer napping, but not exactly sleeping through the night and still little enough to need a lot of you. It ight feel like an in-between phase where you're still trying to work out what your family routine will look like and what work will look like. Pause for a moment to refelct on which season you might be in.
If you follow my work, you'll know I'm a fan of Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies. Knowing that I have a Rebel tendency has helped me understand parts of my personality and why I show up the way I do in a way that other personality tests haven't explained.
She's released the Happier App - it provides personalized strategies to help you become happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.
This is not sponsored or anything, it's just a tool I've been reviewing for myself and thought it could be useful for other people. We're all on our phones too much, seeking numbing instead of true, genuine, belly laugh fun. Using an app to get ideas on five minute happiness boosting activities that are personalised is pretty cool I think
https://gretchenrubin.com/
An exercise in checking in with your body, mood and what you actually need before you pick up your phone to start scrolling. When I started doing this for myself, I discovered some interesting things about myself! Note that all my work about social media use and mental health comes from a place of kindness, self-compassion and encouraging you to make your own choices. No one likes being patronised or told what to do, especially not me! (A Rebel personality type according to Gretchen Rubin's 4 tendencies).
When anxiety, anger, overwhelm and all the unpleasant feelings start to spiral it's often because we've slipped into THINKING our feelings instead of naming, describing and allowing the feelings. I'll teach you an exercise that helps the spiral to feel back in control.
My daughters turned 4 and 6 this week, so it's also 4 and 6 years since my traumatic births. I took a few minutes to reflect on how things have been in that time - the growth I've seen, the 3 courses, a book and a podcast I created on birth trauma. What it's like to be in a place where I'm now feeling as complete as I can with (a) my own personal work and (b) the birth trauma content I've put out into the world to help others.
It's not really been time that 'healed' my wounds. It's been a lot of deep work. Hard work. But the growth has been pretty phenomenal. I share a few tips and insights for anyone else who finds themselves in the position of celebrating a birthday/s but also being faced with traumatic reminders of birth. Our society's is ALL about the baby and less about the Mum who birthed that baby. Know you are not forgotten and there are amazing tools to help
My book, More than a healthy baby
My course that complements the book, More than a healthy baby
e-book of coping strategies for birth trauma
Episode 22 explores the question “is Mum brain real?”. I have a quick chat about some of the research I reviewed when writing my book, Motherhood, Mental Health & Social Media and share one of my own gloriously embarrassing moments of "What happened to my brain...? I swear my PhD isn't just printed off the internet :D"
This week I chat about something I think they got wrong on the show Maid. It's an amazing, moving, show however, I think they missed an opportunity to validate and normalise one particular aspect of parenting.
Motherhood is massively overstimulating. We need to normalize it, validate it and be compassionate in our communications that EVERY single parent on the planet struggles with this.
On the rush to get out post lock-downs and do all the things. To be busy filling a calendar, organizing play dates and stressing about Christmas before we've had a chance to take a breather. I talk you through the concept of the 'psychological bends' and a reminder to go gently and slowly with yourself :)
I think every single woman I know is functioning on this fear that she isn’t doing enough right now.
If you’ve never heard of the cartoon is called ‘You Should’ve Asked’ by French artist, Emma, pause and go have a look now.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Emma (who, rightfully is so prolific they don’t need a surname) visually captures the concept of mental load. I describe this as all the tabs I have open in my brain at any given time - all the mental work, the organising, list-making and planning and life admin that needs to happen for ourselves and our dependents. Feminists note that the real crux of the burden of mental load is equality (or lack there of) in distribution of household labour.
In Emma’s comic there is a visitor (Emma) around for dinner. The mother is feeding the kids and making the dinner while the father sits with the guest instead of helping. Dinner then boils over and the father questions what happened. The mother explains that she was trying to do everything and the father says “you should have asked for help.”
Emma explains that by expecting to be asked, the father is setting up the dynamic where the mother is the manager. The expectation is that the mother is then responsible for knowing when things need to be done. Mental load is always having to remember.
Creating systems
Is there a ‘perfect’ way to organize life admin? How can we make things more manageable?
A few synchronicities that have come up for me this week around the idea of embracing the in between. That phase of parenting where you're coming out of one season, but not quite ready for the next one. Knowing you need to rest, but feeling restless. Nervous to even look at a 2022 calendar and make plans, but feeling frustrated or stuck about not feeling inspired or creative yet.
I share a few tips about how to go slowly and be patient with yourself.
A beautiful book I love for eating and nourishing yourself with the seasons is by my friend Tracey Pattison, Priestess Your Plate, https://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/0648870618/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=247&creative=1211&creativeASIN=0648870618&linkCode=as2&tag=ebowe-22&linkId=3e517126818faab1818e6891a98e105e
Creating comfortable family traditions and reducing stress with gift giving
It’s that time of year again. A month until ‘Bowe week’ – the crazy week in my family where we ended up with our wedding anniversary, plus the two kids’ birthdays all falling within the same 7 days. No, I didn’t plan it that way!
My oldest daughter’s birthday is a month before Christmas, and the SECOND it’s over she will want to put the Christmas tree. In fact, she’s already asked to put up the tree and we haven’t even made it through Halloween yet. She’s that person who loves Christmas more than life. There’s a version of me in the past which finds this so unrelatable. But children are here to teach us right? So I reframe it as endearing. So endearing that I bought her this birthday card that has a care bear next to a Christmas tree saying “me on November 1st”
It’s sweet, because it reminds me of one of my dear friends who is obsessed with Christmas. This is where James Brown comes in. Circa early 2000 and something when we started the tradition of tree trimming at Al’s house. Back when none of us had kids. Al had a cat called Jo-Jo (as in “Get Back, JoJo” from the Beatles song) but he ended being referred to simply as Joey. We used to wrap him in tinsel and ‘help’ him put baubles on the tree. I actually struggle to listen to that Concrete Blonde song ‘Joey’ without getting a bit misty eyed. It’s kind of embarrassing when there’s no context for it…
It’s no secret that I used to hate Christmas. The panic buying, the ‘just be cheerful’ police who don’t understand mental health, and the ick factor of being ‘a good girl’ so a random old dude gives you presents and asks you to sit on his knee. Don’t get me started on the music.
Al saw it as her personal mission to convert Christmas grinches, by gently introducing the idea of creating your own traditions. James Brown’s Funky Christmas album is where it started. Forget Mariah, forget Buble, for me, James Brown’s Santa Claus going straight to the Ghetto is where it’s at.
While searching for the Bluey album on vinyl, I thought I’d search for this specific James Brown Christmas album while I was there. You can find the screen shot on my blog at www.doctorerin.com.au/blog but I’ll describe it here.
Basically, if you search “james brown funky christmas’ you’ll be directed to fishpond. In the top section with the search categories you’ll see that this album is listed under ‘massage tools’
Is James Brown considered a ‘massage tool?’
I mean, I have an anecdote about Barry White (it’s G – rated, I might share it one day). I can appreciate that many women over 35 have a thing for Boyz 2 Men, but I absolutely couldn’t keep a straight face if someone tried to seduce me to their music.
At one of my first jobs, I shared an office with someone who had delightful sound alerts that would appear whenever she got an email or a text. One was James Brown yelling “woowwww I feel good” and the other was “get on up!” suffice to say, that’s a ‘no’ from me about the possibility of James Brown being a relaxation or massage tool!
You can absolutely make your own traditions. Something we do is “want need wear read” for birthday and Christmas. With the add on of a sister present for birthdays (because our kids’ birthdays are 2 days apart) and we do a STEM present. Even if our kids ask for the most commercial, gender normed crap they are also remembering the value of women in science and technology!
Nervous or excited about going back into the world?
This week’s episode is a five minute chat about the difference between nervous and excited and how we can help kids (and ourselves) lean into working with our psychophysiology.
How validating the physical sensations or nerves and explaining that EVERYONE feels like this can be so powerful for kids.
How over-reassuring that "you're ok" just becomes, at best, white noise and at worst, an unhelpful safety behaviour where kids starts to rely on constant reassurance as a distraction from feeling their feelings
Want to build connection and cut through the small talk phase quickly? Share self-compassion for your flaws.
I share 5 of my 'fatal' flaws that have been the biggest sources of growth.
I share a type of ancestral trauma that comes up for me - one that's common for people in helping/healing/caring roles. I share the distancing technique I use when this uneasy feeling comes up.
In short, someone has to go first, and I have to say, that it’s mostly served me well. It’s allowed me to develop relationships with my mentorees that have spanned years. It’s what’s allowed me to cut through weeks of small talk to find people I actually want to connect with in my parenting journey. It’s what will fuel me when this book on detoxing from social media comes out and a hundred people are lined up to tell me how wrong I am!
Your truth is your truth. Allow people to take it or leave it. It is a precious thing for people to find the right people to help them quickly. Give people the chance to find you and keep coming back despite all your flaws :)
I have a dislike of baby showers. So much so that I refused to have my own. In my girls’ baby books there is literally a blank section where I’ve written ‘sorry, it’s not Mummy’s thing’. It’s not that I dislike celebrating pregnancy and babies, it’s that I’m that awkward introvert who hates party games and doesn’t take board games seriously. The last baby shower I went to was maybe 8 years ago now.
After guessing the mamma’s belly measurements (ha! Imagine trying to get me to agree to this when I as pregnant with my 5.0kg baby belly) we were all asked to give the mum a piece of advice. Everyone took turns saying things like “get your baby into a routine on day one”, and “sleep when the baby sleeps”. It was my turn and I shrugged and said “don’t listen to any bad advice”.
Knowing exactly what skills you need for your career path or your particular parenting journey can be surprisingly tricky. It takes time to get to know someone and know what ‘might’ be a good fit for them.
Have you ever met someone who seems to align with your values or has what information you think you need, and you get all excited asking them for advice? You wait with baited breath to see what wisdom they will impart, and then they offer….well…nothing amazing really. The pressure to offer something that sounds wise and insightful is too much so they end up saying anything.
I think this is where storytelling comes in. People are just better at telling stories than they are at on the spot advice. Instead of asking for advice consider asking: “tell me the story of what it was like having a baby who didn’t sleep”, or “tell me how you go to this point in your business”. Good stories have a dilemma, obstacles to overcome, and often, a guide or helper along the way. Someone who helped you see something in yourself, taught you a skill or gave you confidence to change your mind about something. When you listen deeply to these stories, the golden nuggets will be there to be extracted.
I’m about to embark on the nerve wracking process that is final edits and a cover for my upcoming book, Motherhood, Mental Health & Social Media. There’s a reason most people never actually write a book, or sort of write one then hide it in a cupboard. I’m entering a stage of feeling really exposed and having to make decisions based on other people’s advice and nervous about getting it ‘right’.
And yet, I’ve come such a long way from even the process of deciding on my first logo. I naively outsourced the final choice to family and friends on Facebook. I wouldn’t ever do this again. Like, ever. While I ended up with something that was OK, I ultimately didn’t love it and allowed myself to enter analysis-paralysis by asking too many opinions. I chose a hydrangea flower and people said:
“It looks like a tampon ad” (my mother in law)
“You don’t want petals falling; that indicates decline and decay, at least in gerontology” (my BFF; this was actually useful to consider)
“Are you a florist now?” (a bloke I went to high school with)
Were any of these people my ideal client? No. Did I ever consider consulting someone who was not just a graphic designer but someone experienced in making images to covert my ideal client base? Also no.
Engage the opinion of people who are actually IN the arena you need help with :)
First up, no, this is not a pregnancy story.
Instead, I’m going to share with you my terrifying experience with a doll in the Eighties. A story my Mum brings up any chance she can get.
It was 1988 and I was five years old. There’s an ad for a sweet, crawling doll who cries when she falls down with a theme song set to ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’. It sounds like a horror movie already.
Nevertheless, I decided this doll is what I wanted for Christmas. What you need to know about me is that I’ve always been a bit scared of dolls. And clowns and store mannequins. The dislike of clowns and mannequins becomes obvious when I share that a clown once pointed a (toy) gun at me at. Oh, and a store mannequin’s hand in Kmart randomly fell on my face and almost broke my nose when I was a toddler. It’s ok, I still love Kmart.
I don’t really know why I wanted a doll for Christmas. I suspect I was ‘trying on’ the idea of being like other girls. Being a girl who didn’t own any dolls was kind of my identity for a while, but then I thought I could change my mind.
I remember the doll in the ad looking cute. In reality, it looked more like the baby crawling across the ceiling in Trainspotting. For the last 30 odd years my mother has been telling the story of how she procured the last ‘Oopsie Baby’ in town only for me to hate it the second we put the batteries in. I’m telling you, this doll was terrifying. I have proof here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alyzRezJIio
For over 30 years I’ve heard:
“It was the last one left on the shelf. I had to fight another mother for it”
“I knew you wouldn’t like it but you insisted”
“You shouldn’t believe what you see on TV”
Upon researching, I’ve discovered the correct name for this doll is actually Oopsie Daisy, and I wasn’t the only person terrified of it. There’s a certain trauma bonding that I’ve experienced as a 38 year old woman in discovering that this particular doll is known for being terrifying. Turns out they were poorly designed and were recalled one month after Christmas, due to their heads falling off, limbs detaching and the hair falling out!
Of all the toys to choose in my first foray into dolls, I naturally chose one of the worst.
The point is that it’s OK to change your mind. Even if it doesn’t work out. Maybe you want to try out what other people are doing in your industry because you think that you should (hello, Tik Tok videos). Or because you’ve come so far with something and feel it’s a ‘waste’ to not keep going. Or, you worry that you’ll let people down.
I was going to keep working with Borderline Personality Disorder and self-harm until I had kids and didn’t want to anymore. Then I was going to keep teaching Hypnobirthing until I decided I no longer wanted to work outside business hours. Then, I put a solid 4 years into birth trauma work before deciding I didn’t want it to be the ‘main’ thing I do anymore. Despite training as a Clinical Psychologist and working in private practice since 2009, I’m currently not offering counselling either. Have I disappointed people? Absolutely.
However, I’ve avoided burnout. I’ve changed my mind lots of times about things in work, my mental health and parenting and lived to tell the tale 😊
I dare you – change your mind about something and see what happens. Surround yourself with supportive people who have insight and humility to realize that brave people change their minds all the time.
This week on the podcast I share my thoughts about why meditation is supposed to suck. The Calm app recently hit over a hundred million downloads yet I’m concerned people expect meditation to be this lovely, calming experience.
I want to normalise and validate how bloody difficult, annoying, triggering and even boring meditation can be. I sign up for those Oprah and Depak 21 day challenges only to fall behind, decide I cant do it and quit. It's normal. Guided apps can definitely help, but there's other things that 'count' as meditation and I'll share some ideas.
Forgive me for being a bit behind the 8 ball, but I’ve only just realized that Bennifer aka Ben Affleck and Jlo are together again. It took me down memory lane back to when they got together the first time. I told my husband they were back together and I was actually impressed that he knew who either of those people were. Jokes aside, I’ve been with my husband for 22 years nearly and I thought some of you might be interested in how that has shaped my business and my mental health. It was the eve of 1999. I definitely believe in love at first sight, because we locked eyes from across a room and that was it. I mean until I saw his identical twin and that had some awkwardness. We were friends for a year first. We both had other relationships. I’d accepted that he was going to move away for uni and we went to one last party together. Whether it was the threat of the Y2K bug, the shooting star we saw, or the fact that another drunk bloke who was vying for my affection challenged him to a dual…we ended up together and haven’t looked back. Something I’ve found so useful in navigating tricky times is to revisit what I call anchor relationships. It might not be 20 odd years but find those people who knew you before you had your business, had kids – back when you were all insecure with pants that were cut too low and eyebrows that were too thin – or was that just me? We need people who can hold the best version of us while we awkwardly re-engage with in-person interaction. When we trip over a word, explain something poorly or use micro expressions that could be misinterpreted. One of my favourite games to play with clients over the years is a little something I call “does someone really hate you, or do they have diarrhea?” Put simply, when someone gives you a funny look can you 100% know that the grimace you saw is about you? How do you know it’s not them thinking about an appointment they forgot, a reaction to something behind you (like a car not slowing down enough) or even something internal like the cramps that let you know you need to find a toilet – and fast. In researching for my book about social media and our mental health, I’ve come across a reasonable amount of research indicating that this whole non face to face interaction with people is impacting our social skills. Dr Sherry Turkle is someone you might want to look up if you’re interested in this. she had a study indicating that middle-school aged kids are struggling to read non-verbal cues, probably due to the amount of online versus offline interactions they were having. A strong protective factor for me being able to quit social media is that I remember what true joy, happiness, feeling understood and love felt like before social media and mobile phones. My husband and I have a relationship that pre-dates these things. I used to have to ring him up on the family phone – not knowing if he or his identical twin brother would answer. Beforehand, I’d play out all the scenarios in my head that might lead to embarrassment or awkwardness. Once I got over the awkwardness we’d talk for three or four hours. I love that I am still married to someone that I used to spend hours talking to, uninterrupted. About the moon, what shade it was and how we felt about it. These days it’s more of a five minute conversation about the consistency and colour of one of our children or dogs’ poo. If it’s not someone you can find as a positive anchor it might be something. Like the music you listened to during peak development periods. Economist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz used data from Spotify to demonstrate that the most important age range from women developing musical tastes was ages 11-14. He argued that songs from this era of your life are potentially the ones that will continue to impact you the most. I wonder if this extends to other interests? That maybe the hobbies you enjoyed at ages 11-14 is where you might find joy and true fun instead of scroly fake fun? www.doctorerin.com.au
Overall, most people have been intrigued and inspired by my decision to quit. I’ve gained a smaller, but more engaged community that feels both enriching and manageable. I feel there is a definite pull from a community of women who are looking for that reassurance that they too can scale right back or even quit and still be OK.
I’ve shared plenty of upsides before. My head is clearer and my sensitive soul is less affected by the compassion fatigue that is seeing what everyone is doing all the time.
Something I’ve had to grieve though is the realization that quite a few relationships have not survived without social media. It’s two fold. On the one hand, I get it – a ‘like’ or a DM is a quick way to keep in touch with people. We like our routines and conveniences. However, it has, at times, been mildly triggering for my childhood wounds. Particularly around female friendships where it becomes apparent that there isn’t an equal exchange of energy. Going 6 months without social media will definitely reveal relationships where perhaps the other person isn’t as invested as you are.
If you’re using social media for business and have some sort of ‘expert’ role, withdrawing this part can activate feelings of “I’m only worthwhile if I’m useful or productive”. This is one of those tricky false beliefs that I know many of us in helping/healing roles need to watch out for.
The big gift of quitting social media is time. Before the 2021 lockdowns I knew I had more tasks in my business than I could actually achieve in the time I had.
According to Parkinson’s Law, how much you need to give to a task depends on how much time you actually have.
With lockdowns, I’ve cut back from 10 hours a week to just two. Rather than throwing in the towel on my business, I use two hours to just maintain consistency. A couple of mentoring clients here and there but mostly I’m using that two hours to throw together a weekly email, 10 minute podcast episode, answer a few emails and squeeze in a tiny bit of writing. Instead of stressing about all the things I ‘should’ be doing, I instead focus on very short, clear, achievable goals.
Work expands so as to fill the time available for completion. My conversion rates from my blog and emails are really strong, so this is where I dedicate my time. If I have ‘extra’ time and energy, I’d put that into course creation, because again, that will eventually be passive income and my conversion rates are high.
Whether it's mothering or work, I'd say put your energy where you get the most benefits
When you think you don’t know what you’re doing (with your business, with your kids or anything else) I want you to remember “Who Jackie?”
If you’re not familiar this phrase, allow me to indoctrinate you into one of my favourite pop culture references.
What goes on behind the scenes of writers’ rooms for songs, movies and TV fascinates me. During the run of the 1990s sitcom, Roseanne, Roseanne Barr was known for her unusual hiring practices. She would apparently hire people instantly without really interviewing them or checking their prior work. Sometimes this worked out – some very prolific TV writers began with being hired on Roseanne. Other times, not so much.
One day a writer named ‘David’ appeared in the writer’s room and suggested a plotline about Roseanne having a long lost sister. When someone else pointed out that Roseanne already has a sister, Jackie, he apparently responded “Who Jackie?”
If someone managed to get hired as a writer for a successful TV show without even being able to keep track of the main characters, well, you need not doubt yourself.
The world needs what you have to offer. This is what I’ve had to remind myself of this week as it gets more and more difficult to actually get any work done.
I’ve finished writing my book about motherhood, social media and mental health, and, to be honest I’m at the “maybe I should just hide it in a drawer” stage. It’s a very normal stage – deciding that you hate what you’ve created before anyone has even seen it. In fact, this is exactly what I did with the first 3 novels and a bunch of children’s books I’ve written. True story.
Just yesterday, I was watching James Corden interview Lorde. They seemed to speak less about her music and more about the fact that she has quit social media. What she said took me right back to the mission and the message of my book – that the experience of reading about the world all of the time didn’t give her time to really think about how she felt about anything. That she needed more time – because constant input from other people disrupts the creative process.
Give yourself time to create without the constant stream of wondering what everyone else is thinking or doing. Be cautious about ‘researching’ what other people you look up to are doing – it can mean that you’re simply avoiding the discomfort that comes with creating something.
A source of whimsy for me this week – finally purchasing a set of Grapat to make mandalas with. It’s not for the kids, it’s for me to nurture my mental health. We use it together of course, and I hope it will be an investment in joy for many, many years to come.
One of my signature strengths on the VIA character strengths is appreciation of beauty. I find that when I return to activities that honour my signature strengths, I feel better which is why I’ve recommended this questionnaire to anyone who will listen.
Grapat: https://www.toypark.com.au/collections/grapat?gclid=Cj0KCQjwg7KJBhDyARIsAHrAXaFlrxnpFbhdqDI_pwTs0cqpYEDCGuKcQv69FYBUhDjGcTI88f_ASbQaApi-EALw_wcB
Signature strengths test: https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register
Lorde talking about quitting social media: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RDynGSecOw
Who Jackie? https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/flashback/most-infamous-story-from-writers-room-shows-roseanne-could-be-an-insane-place-to-work/news-story/9fb062c916f574396c6e9dc1abacb48a
Here’s 6 things getting me through:
1. The sun
The sun on my face. Though in an effort to up my vitamin D, I’ve developed new, winter lockdown freckles. Yes, you can indeed get freckles even if the UV index is 2.5! Time to finally buy that sun lamp I think.
2. Finding delight and whimsy
This weekend I moved some of my potted bulbs so they could get some more sun. In the process of moving a pot, something rattled onto the deck. It looked like a rock but it was actually a tiny, frozen frog! I’d never have thought that the sound of a frog hitting the deck would sound like the rattle of a pebble. Once the sun hit, the little frog sprang back to life and hopped back into the weeds.
When I struggle to find whimsy around me, I remind myself of whimsical memories. ZiZi, the purring sofa at MONA, the guy I used to see on my way to work who carried a gigantic carrot and any time I tell people the story of how I was bitten by a pig the week before my wedding. I’ve learned from nearly 16 years of telling this story that it makes people laugh.
3. Water
Long showers. Jumping in puddles. Drinking more of it than I think I need (because I never drink enough in winter)
4. Fun movement
I’ve fallen out of love with anything resembling a ‘work out’ or pushing through at the moment and that’s ok. Walking and hula hooping is enough for my energy right now.
Movement for me will also soon include fulfilling my childhood dream of owning a drum kit. An electronic one, because (1) I have a 3 year old and (2) neighbours and (3) Watching Mark Ronson’s Watch the Sound has convinced me electronic drums might be as good as the real thing.
5. Keeping vitamins in check
Adding to my never ending list of things I haven’t done yet – like getting my iron levels checked, it’s just easier to take vitamins. This tired feeling that we’re all feeling isn’t going anywhere for a while yet.
6. Radical self compassion
This is the one I struggle with the most. Being kind to myself when I say I won’t yell at the kids, and then I yell. For waking up each day saying I’ll be more patient, and for not having the energy or emotional resources to be patient in the way I wanted. For not moving the needle very far at all in my parenting at the moment, but for being good at repair.
A quick moment of acknowledgement for all we have to grieve. In this brief meditation I'll take you through some statements about what we've lost in this period of parenting in a pandemic. Some will be relatable, others not so much. You can add your own. The goal is not to force gratitude, look for silver linings or compare ourselves to others who have it worse. Just to acknowledge. I'll then take you through some suggestions for somatic activation - ways to get your nervous system to move big emotions.
Do you have stress “tells” – little quirks that show when you’re overwhelmed, anxious and stressed?
In poker, a “tell” is a change in behaviour that reveals a person’s inner state, and gamblers look for clues about who is holding or good or bad hand depending on their nonverbal behaviours. There’s also evidence that this is how you win ‘rock, paper, scissors’.
Something I learned recently that delighted and bemused me was that there is a Rock Paper Scissors League. Instead of memorising moves and using statistical wizardry, players need a sophisticated ability to predict their opponent’s behaviours.
When I get stressed, sensory information usually becomes way too overwhelming. I tend to experience colours and sometimes smells in reaction to sound anyway. I took a very scientific looking test on the internet and it came back with a result of 98% for me likely having synaesthesia https://synesthesia.com/blog/synesthesia-tests/.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia
When I’m stressed, the kitchen clock ends up in a drawer. The sound of the dog licking her paws becomes loud. I usually stop listening to music and podcasts, and without realising I’m doing it, I’ll usually stop wearing perfume. Everything in the fridge will start to smell ‘off’ and I get agitated with the kids for touching me all the time.
I usually need to turn down sensory information – showers in the dark, soothing lavender and finding a sunny spot to sit quietly. However, I’d noticed my usual strategies weren’t working as well. With lockdowns also comes monotony and a sense of dread.
What’s been working better for me is to actually switch it up and seek extra sensory input – getting on the kid’s swing set and listening to LOUD electronic music with lots of layers and reverb. It worked a treat.
Something that’s been well received in my work with helping people with stress is a six senses approach. Basically, it means picking one support aspect for each of your five senses and then some ‘other’ component. Think of these like a HITT workout for your brain and your nervous system.
If your usual soothing coping strategies aren’t working, switch it up and try safe stimulation seeking instead (or vice versa).
Here’s some ideas:
Revisit a comforting video from childhood – for example the pinball machine animation from Sesame Street https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd7VK5DdrvM
Move your vestibular system – a swing set, hammock or rocking chair or spin circles and make yourself dizzy like skids do. The swaying motion plus music with a distinct right and left input settled my nervous system right down
Use a tennis ball to find and release knots in your glutes and hips. Women in particular store a lot of tension in their hips/pelvic bowl area
Switch the smells in your house. I’ve noticed that in our house, the usual ‘soothing’ lavender and Ylang Ylang we’ve had going the diffuser was no longer serving its purpose. It’s become too familiar with lockdowns, so instead we’ve switched it up for citrus + peppermint or chamomile. I also switched out our usual hand soap to a lemon and eucalyptus one
I never drink soft drink, and I don’t typically endorse drinking cola, however, this past week I drank coke from a glass bottle and it was really, oddly satisfying!
Between you and me, my brain feels like syrup lately. Emails take longer to answer, writing blogs or sections of texts are taking multiple attempts and I’m finding that I’m walking away from podcast interviews feelings like I didn’t hit my points very well.
Sometimes I need reminding of the ‘draw down’ period. As in, post lockdown I need to avoid the temptation to “get back into it” and instead pull back and defrag my brain. Collect kindling, rake leaves, prune the roses, repot my indoor plants – these are a few of my draw down activities. Methodical but not ‘must do’ activities. The repetition and the movement and having just one thing to focus on is helpful.
I’m reading a book at the moment called Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday. It’s reminded me that anyone in history who has had any long term success hasn’t just worked non-stop. That they have prioritized stillness, rest, hobbies, long walks and periods of waiting for the right action or decision to appear instead of being ‘on’ all the time. So I started Googling what influential people in history do with their down time. Meryl Streep knits, Michelle Obama runs, and Jacinda Ardern has been known to DJ.
Winston Churchill famously used to spend hours engaged in oil painting and brick laying. He could reportedly lay up to 90 bricks an hour while chatting and playing with his daughter. The Dalai Llama repairs watches, Pope Francis dances the Tango. Saddam Hussein wrote romance novels (really!) and Donald Trump reportedly likes to tear up bits of paper.
Women coming together to engage in repetitive, rhythmic work has no doubt had calming effects on the nervous system in times of poverty and war. Without wanting to apply Golden Age thinking to what would likely have been horrific work conditions in history, we know that singing and community is what traditionally has contributed to resilience.
If you’re feeling a bit ‘blah’ (and I know so many of you are) I’d encourage you to step back and see if what you need is not to rush and force work outcomes, but to draw down. Research what your ancestors did with their time – what did they do with their hands instead of scrolling their thumbs up and down?
As I mention in this week’s podcast episode, the art of learning by touching and manipulating materials with our hands is often missing in our daily rhythms. In terms of looking after our nervous systems, it’s worth considering where we can incorporate more kinesthetic sensory input.
This week I chat about rethinking how we talk to ourselves and our kids about what “work” is. When I started switching the word “work” for other verbs describing what I’m doing it’s helped with two things: 1. Creating a boundary for myself (do I have to do this right now?) and 2. Teaching my kids that what I do is valuable
One of my favourite forms of finding rest as a mum and a psychologist is permission not to be useful. To not force gratitude or look for silver linings when things get rough (as they are now with lockdown #5). To allow an idea from interpersonal therapy called “the limited sick role”. For me this means giving myself compassion to do what I need to do - binge watching TV, just not all the time. Accepting that my food choices are a bit crap right now and that I’m not moving as much. It will pass. Allow yourself to be a human doing the best you can
Shadow Comforts. What are they?
Where does the term come from?
How do we tell the difference between numbing and relaxation.
My plan is to create something very unfancy and unpolished here. I will rock up and just talk really – no script, no major editing. You might hear me in my car sometimes the goal is for me to be perfectly imperfect and set the tone for that being ok for you as well. I want to explore ways to work with parental burnout and depletion and isolation and guilt that are really practical, focussed on radical self-compassion and really having fun. This less of a here’s the A-Z on parenting topics and more about Motherhood as an identity and an institution and where mental health fits within that. Earlier this year I stopped using social media for my business and personally as well. It’s been one of the most rebellious things I could do and it’s been life changing. It has really brought me to question the ways in which I have used numbing and what you might call shadow comforts as replacement for real proper fun and real proper support. This is not about saying don’t use social media – if you are a mum in business and genuinely seen results from it more power to you sister, however, I do come from the standpoint that this is our generation’s addiction. I think mothers are settling for substandard, faux-fun and while we are familiar with the old ‘do self care” I think a huge part of what’s missing in the motherhood mental health conversation is the idea of fun – like real, belly laugh I feel like myself not just someone’s mother or a worker – fun. That’s the crux of what I’m interested in exploring here. If you don’t know me, Hello, I’m Dr Erin Bowe. I’m a mum to a 5 year old and 3 year old girls. The laundry list of professional stuff is that: I’m a Clinical & Perinatal Psychologist, Course Creator, Business Mentor and Author of More Than a Healthy Baby: Finding Strength & Growth After Birth Trauma. Some of you may know me from my birth trauma work. My online courses have over 2400 students from 36 countries. I’ve spoken to an audience of thousands on a birth trauma panel last year. I used to teach Hypnobirthing, I’ve been a finalist in 2 categories for the AusMumpreneur Awards. I’ve also been featured in the Sydney Morning Herald, Kidspot, Essential Baby & Essential Kids. I’m a published author, and I’m writing two more books: Parents of the Pandemic and a book on managing motherhood, mental health and social media. I grew up in one of the most bogan places on earth – Devonport Tasmania. I’m the first person in my family to go to uni. I’m the daughter of Glaswegian parents – a catholic and a protestant who left Scotland for Australia in the late 1960s so they could get married. I’m a bonus baby after they tried to have kids for over 10 years, had my older brother and then miraculously managed to have me. I’ve been with the same bloke since I was 16 or so. We moved to Melbourne and lived in St Kilda ten years ago, then moved out to the country to have our kids. I’ve had 3 pregnancies – one miscarriage followed by the pregnancy of my eldest daughter 6 weeks later – a little rainbow baby. I then had my second daughter two days before her older sister’s birthday. We also have our wedding anniversary that week in November. I’ve had pretty severe hyperemesis gravidarum – so severe morning sickness in all my pregnancies. I’ve had two traumatic births, including birthing a 5 kilo (11 pound 3) baby with stuck shoulders. Outside of the Mum thing and the work thing I love my animals – 2 dogs and currently 11 chickens. I like growing roses, veggies and herbs, I’m quite interested in herbal and natural remedies. If I didn’t train to be a psychologist I would have quite fancied being a music journalist or a florist, although my childhood dream was always to be an author, so that’s mostly what I’m working towards now. I have one published book and two more on the way. https://doctorerin.com.au/