Real Confidence - SoundSage

I've been an Elton John fan for almost 50 years and my favorite song in his massive catalog is “Sorry, seems to be the Hardest Word.” But as much as I love Elton and that song, I'm going to say that I'm not sure he’s right.

I think it’s harder to tell somebody that they hurt you, that they made you sad or angry or frustrated; that they did something that genuinely they shouldn’t have, or you want them to know that they shouldn't have.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because recently I had a situation with two of my best friends and it was something so petty, but they forgot to invite me to something that they had organized with some other people. And I was really hurt by that. I suspected that maybe they just forgot and were so busy or maybe they thought that I didn't want to go, or it could have been 100 other reasons.

But the fact that they didn't invite me just made me so sad, like, very left out. And I was like, how can I communicate that and do it confidently?

Because showing that kind of vulnerability is hard. It feels like admitting to some kind of weakness. There’s a lot of “emotional stew” going on - you might already be questioning their intent, whether they like you, why they did what they did, and maybe even whether you deserved it - plus the uncertainty of how the person who hurt you will respond, which is a confidence kicker on its own.

In this episode of Real Confidence you’ll learn how to tell someone they’ve hurt you that actually gives confidence to both of you.

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You know that voice in your head that tells you all the reasons you can’t reach your goals or go after what you want? Maybe you call it your inner critic or inner saboteur – it doesn’t really matter, because we all have one. Its job is to get us to maintain the status quo because to our brains, change – even positive change – is a threat.

If you’re human, then it’s pretty much a given you’ve experienced situations where your brain tells you not to ask for or do something because you might fail, or be told no or rejected and then regret taking that action.

But what happens when your inner critic or bully turns the volume up to 11? Makes it deeply personal? Tells you the reason that XYZ can’t happen, is because there’s something wrong with you?

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence calls that “abusive brain chatter” and that’s a phrase, that the first time I saw it, jumped off the page at me.

Because there’s a difference between the chatter telling you that you’re a sucky public speaker – a skill you can improve upon – and telling you that you have nothing worthwhile to say and you add no value so you might as well keep your mouth shut.

The former might rattle your confidence, but the latter? Destroys it. The good news is you can learn to spot when your brain chatter is abusive and take steps to heal it.

Listen in as life, relationship and spiritual coach Jacquie Elliott and I talk about:

How to know if your brain chatter is being helpful or harmful
The relationship between your core beliefs and the unhelpful messages your brain gives you on repeat
Practical ways to cut through the noise and connect with the part of you that truly wants to succeed
How to negotiate with and integrate your inner saboteur so all parts of feel heard and get what they want

Jacquie Elliott is a certified life, relationship and spiritual coach who helps people heal the abusive brain chatter in their heads and realize their full potential. You can learn more about Jacquie’s work and retreats at healingabc.com.

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The research over and over again at the Institute shows that our confidence peaks when we're 60 years old. We’ve leaned on that statistic for almost a decade now, saying we’re all a (confidence) work in progress until we get to that magic point, that peak of confidence, where we finally don’t care what other people think about us.

I’ve been thinking about this deeply because recently, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things that are making me question, is that really true? But more importantly, why is it true?

Is it because our social circles have narrowed (i.e., fewer people’s opinions to worry about)? Because we have more experience to draw on? Or is it because with each passing year, we get a little clearer on what our priorities are and start living life and expressing ourselves based more on the personal codes we’ve developed than family or social ones?

And can we hasten the process to be confident sooner? More easily? Less scarred?

It turns out that it doesn’t really matter how old you are or how much life experience you accrue.

It’s a matter of HOW you think. Confidence is a result of how conscientious you are of your decisions. That comes with experience but can be accelerated through education and self-awareness.

And a key part of this conscious choice is not just accepting all the advice other people give you – including me – that tell you what you should or could do.

But I do have some things you’ll want to consider based on the research and thousands of people I’ve confidence coached - plus my own (almost) 60-year confidence journey!

Ready to hear real confidence hacks? Listen in.

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You know, I say it a lot – confidence isn’t what you think, it’s literally HOW you think. So, when I sat down with broadcast voice coach Susan Murphy to talk about communicating confidently, I found myself nodding along when she confirmed what I already suspected.

Confident communication – that is, communicating in a way that captures and keeps your audience’s attention and gets your message across – is less about what you say, and all about HOW you say it.

It seems obvious, right, but what exactly is the HOW?

What I learned from Susan during our chat is that the HOW may not be what you think it is. That tone goes beyond intent or emotion, and not only that, but our tone is also influenced by multiple things that thankfully are under our control.

Listen in as Susan shares some time-tested secrets and techniques that will help you start sounding and speaking with more confidence before you know it, like:

A specific definition of authenticity that might be why we like to we’d event listen to some people read the phone book
Why pauses aren’t just for dramatic effect, but tools we can use consciously to enhance our delivery and engage our audience, whether that’s one person or a thousand.
A simple shift in posture that brings the body and breath into alignment so your voice can be at its most authentic and confident best
The number one thing you should do the minute you open your mouth to speak

Susan Murphy is a veteran radio news director, TV news reporter, talk show host, producer and voice artist turned broadcast voice coach. Drawing from over 40 years of on-air work, she now helps on-air anchors and reporters polish the sounds of their voices. You can learn more about Susan at susanmurphyvosot.com and even check out a clip or two of her own work.

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Whether you’re just starting or already far down a personal, professional or spiritual development path, you’ll find out fast that you must have better self-awareness. And when you do, you won’t be told it’s “a” key to arriving at your desired destination - you’ll realize it’s “the” key to getting there. The trouble is, self-awareness is largely misunderstood and if you ask me, we all overrate it - and ourselves.

Here’s why: when we seek to learn about ourselves, we tend to gravitate toward safe sources like self-assessments. We answer a series of questions written by people that we assume are using a proven diagnostic method that can be used with some type of effective treatment towards self improvement. We are amazed when these people who don’t know us personally explain our thoughts and behaviors so well. We revel in reading the results because they usually confirm what we already know about ourselves and help us settle comfortably into an assigned box where we “belong.” Our emotional brains feel happy because the assessment validates that we were right all along and we are part of that named “team”. It could be the Harry Potter sorting hat, a horoscope or any one of the often debunked scientific personality tests. But still, we feel better thinking that we have become (ironically) more self-aware from a 3rd party perspective.

And, with this confirmation, we stop looking for new information or trying to grow from inside our comfortable box. We justify, rationalize and explain all our behaviors (and how others react to us) because XYZ assessment said “this is who we are”. We shut off our input channels because we are now self-aware and therefore, forever fine.

That doesn’t mean assessments are objectively bad or that other feedback processes like 360 reviews are inherently better (subjectivity is far from conclusive.) It means that to truly cultivate self-awareness, it comes from many places and at many times. It is not something fixed or finite. And despite what we call it, self-awareness isn’t an inner-only reflection. To really become the person you want to be, you have to understand how your words and actions impact others people’s words and behaviors - which circle back to directly impact our constant decisions about we choose to act, react and interact.

So how do we achieve more accurate, useful self-awareness?

I’m glad you asked! I get into this and a whole lot more in this episode, including some yucky examples from my own life that are helping me to do better every day.

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If you’ve been in my world for a while, you know I identify many things we don’t even recognize that can crush our confidence - like difficult decisions, new situations, toxic people, even our own self-sabotage! But I bet you didn’t realize how much confidence your CLOSET could be taking from you every day. And it doesn’t matter what type of closet, what type of clothing, or what type of occasion. Many people (especially women), are victims to the silent confidence killers lurking right in their closets.

That’s why I’m so stoked to share the wardrobe wisdom I received from an old friend and expert image consultant, Ginger Burr.

Ginger’s built a business around helping others look and feel their confident best. She explains how and what to do to create a closet of confidence that goes beyond just knowing what color or sleeve length looks best on you. It’s about building a wardrobe that reflects what really looks good, feels good and most importantly, reflects your unique lifestyle and values.

They say clothes make the man. In this female-focused episode, you’ll see that a confident woman makes smart clothing choices that work for her.

Highlights from our conversation include:

Why having more options, isn’t necessarily better for your confidence
The reason your go-to, most-worn pieces could be the last things you choose to wear
How to empower yourself to choose to buy, return or refer it to someone else!
Ginger’s three-step process for identifying the pieces that can build or break your confidence; and

For over 30 years, Ginger Burr has helped women around the world create wardrobes they love by connecting with their inner essence through private consultation and with her Who Taught You How to Dress? coaching program. Ginger has also provided her expertise in Worth, Forbes, and Bloomberg Businessweek magazines. You can learn more about Ginger and her services at totalimageconsultants.com

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FACTS

None of us is perfect.
All of us will put our foot in our mouths at some point.
We can be mentally prepared for any situation and things can still go sideways
Sometimes all of those things will happen in public

And friends, all of those things came together for me not long ago. A client brought me in to do a workshop for a select group of people and not only did I BOMB but some things that came out of my mouth in what turned out to be a high-pressure situation are ones I wholly regret.

Knowing you screwed up is horrible but what’s worse is when the people you did it in front of come at you with daggers in their eyes and tell you the damage you did is beyond words (clearly it wasn’t, because the client had plenty of words to share).

It doesn’t matter that I built a career on confidence or how much brain science I’ve studied and put into practice, I left that workshop questioning everything and to be honest, in a little bit of panic about losing this partnership might mean because it played a key role in another business I run and it impacted revenue.

TRUTHS

I am a human being.
I screw up.
Being human isn’t “a condition”, it’s a blessing that reminds us that guess what: the person ranting and raving at us has screwed up at some point, too.

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The layoff headlines just keep on coming. My LinkedIn feed is filled with posts from people who have been let go or offering help to people who have been let go, whether it’s offers to make introductions, provide mentorship or just a safe space to kvetch.

You work long enough, live enough years on the planet to ride the tide of economic upturns and downturns and chances are good that at some point you’re going to be shown the door through no fault of your own.

So why does it feel so bad and why doesn’t some of the best-meaning, well-intentioned and so-called “wisdom” out there make us doubt ourselves and feel even worse?

In this episode of Real Confidence, I’m talking with Maureen Cidzik who, as it happens, is an ACI-certified Confidence Coach, heads up marketing for ACI and whom I wouldn’t know at all if she hadn’t been laid off right before the pandemic and had her own confidence rocked.

Between the two of us, we’ve racked up enough pink slips to cover, well, a good-sized window? And not all of them hurt less than the one before – sometimes they hurt more.

Listen into our conversation on job love and loss as we talk about:

How the phrase “It’s not personal, it’s business” is really kind of bullshit
What happens in your brain when your brain when you’ve been “cast out” of your work tribe
Why letting the experience suck is one of the most important things you can do
How leaping straight into action can actually do more harm than good
What happens when you give your brain a more interesting problem to solve than “what’s wrong with me?”

Maureen Cidzik is a Life Coach, Corporate Ex-pat and marketing consultant. If your self-help feels more like self-judgment she’s the coach for you. You can find her on the web at muddylotuscoaching.com, on Instagram @muddy.lotus.coaching or follow her on LinkedIn.

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I go on about perfectionism a lot, I know. Someone out there is probably rolling their eyes and thinking, “Alyssa, you gotta get over this.”

My relationship with perfectionism and competition, well, it’s partly how I was raised and partly the educational and professional environments I put myself in. So needless to say, this expectation of performance, perfect performance, has been kind of drummed into me. And subsequently, I have a real dilemma with it.

I want to ask you what I’ve recently been asking myself:

Have you ever stopped to wonder if the high bars of achievement you set for yourself are really yours? Or alternatively, if your relationship with high performance is sending a message to your family members that they’re only as good as their last win?

Every day we send and receive signals about performance and productivity and our brains use that data to guide our decisions about education, career paths and even what we eat, where we live and how we dress.

I got to thinking about this on a recent vacation with my husband. We met another couple, both doctors, whose children were following in their footsteps. Were they proud parents? Of course. But when the wife/mother started wondering aloud what her life would have looked like if she’d chosen another path of study in life, it occurred to me that one day her children may be wondering that, too.

Is it bad to have high standards? To be driven? Absolutely not, but where we can get into trouble is when we reach a point where nothing is “enough”, that point where we say to ourselves, “You know what? I’m badass. I did it and I did it on my terms.”

We are perfect together when we make the decision that we – and our family members - are enough and that’s what I’m talking about in this episode of Real Confidence.

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You know, despite its ups and downs, even on the really shitty days, I love my life. But it wasn’t until I sat down with Lino Martinez, author of A Little Less Fear, that I fully got what it means to love LIFE. All caps. Full stop.

This episode of Real Confidence truly is unlike any I’ve recorded before. In our time together, Lino not only shares his incredible story of medical complexities, mental health challenges, and gender identity but we get INTO IT ALL:

Psychology.

Spirituality.

Buddhist philosophy.

Neuroscience.

Higher selves.

And of course, the nuances of fear, our relationship to it and how the experience of pain does not automatically lead to suffering.

What does this have to do with confidence? You’ll just have to listen to find out.

To learn more about Lino visit alittlelessfear.com where you’ll find information on his book, podcast and how to connect with him on TikTok and Instagram.

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Raise your hand if you like making mistakes. Anyone? I didn’t think so. Whether we identify as perfectionists or not, no one wants to find themselves in error.

Now, mistakes come in all sizes. Sometimes the consequences are nil or maybe mildly embarrassing. Other times the cost is high, and we may be humiliated or traumatized.

So what is it about getting something wrong that causes us to skip over the lesson while we watch our confidence go down the drain?

For starters, we like to make it about us – what we did or didn’t do – and when we do that, we forget to look at the anticipated result of our action or inaction. We get caught up in blame - maybe even shame - and we lose sight of what we can and should do with the result.

Here’s my mantra: The only mistake is to allow a mistake to uncontrollably drive your future behavior and decisions.

What do I mean by that? When we’re tired, cognitively depleted or stressed out, even a normally unremarkable oops activates the caveperson reaction inside each of us. Even if no one else notices the error, our brain kicks into survival mode which does not allow us to be conscientious or in control. As a result, we respond harshly, make rash judgements, act passively-aggressive or take out our failure in uncompassionate, inconsiderate and undeserving ways. We wind up treating ourselves and others unfairly and then add a bonus of regret.

And this accrues so that the next time we need to make a decision, our confidence gets kicked just by remembering that we messed up last time.

That’s why I’m pulling from my own personal library of gaffes and, in this episode of Real Confidence, share how I finally figured out a way to more productively - and actually confidently - deal with failure.

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Back on Podcast 31, I was soaking up the many gems from my guest expert, Aidan Miller about how to deal with a toxic boss. But towards the end, Aidan said something that literally stopped me in my own internal talk track. Do toxic people even know they are?! What if ‘I’ am toxic to others? How can I tell?

Caring whether you are or aren’t toxic demonstrates honest self-awareness and a genuine interest in working with or leading others well.

As Aidan said to me, “If you spot it, you got it. Then you’re paying attention.” She got my attention for sure, and I wanted to know more than one episode would allow!

So please join me and the truly awesome Aidan for this encore episode of Real Confidence to detect and detox your own behavior.

We’re digging deep into:

How toxicity tends to be far less often about bad intent, as about unawareness
Finding clues about others’ perceptions of you by reading the room (or Zoom)
The value of looking at feedback as someone’s lived experience versus The Ultimate Truth
How even well-intentioned behavior can be perceived as toxic when it lands the wrong way
What you can do when you realize you’ve behaved in a toxic way

Aidan Millar is an Organizational Development and Learning Specialist in Ontario, Canada and has spent the last decade engaging with various organizations across Canada to help develop individuals, teams and leaders to optimize their potential. Aidan is also certified in a variety of psychometric assessments to assist in promoting insight and awareness. Connect with her on LinkedIn.

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Big changes, small changes. Changes that you want and make, changes you don’t want, that happen to you. Changes that excite you, changes that turn your world upside down. Changes of heart, of scenery, of pace.

What do they all have in common? The ability to derail our confidence.

What? Yes. I’m saying confidence gets at least a little shaken anytime you sense a change - for better or worse. You take a new dream job, move to a fav city, find your ideal mate - these are positive, desired changes, versus undesired, less controllable ones like a work re-org, losing a loved one or learning how to operate in a post-pandemic world.

No matter what flavor of change is being served up, your brain is still wired to crave certainty. It prefers situations that are predictable, that it can count on. To your brain, what is familiar feels safe and anything new, no matter how progressive, will be perceived as a potential threat to your ego or wellbeing.

So how can we hold onto our confidence when we decide to take on something new or life takes an unwelcome turn?

I’m glad you asked.

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m going to walk you through the 5Cs of Confidence that we use at the Institute in our Self-Coaching class and Confidence Coach certification program. They’re not hard to learn and they’re the easiest way I know to move through changes with our confidence intact.

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Lights, Camera, Confidence Crisis with Michele Moreno

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When I signed on to be the Confidence Educator for L’Oreal and IT Cosmetics Confidence at Work campaign and was scripting the videos we were going to film, I called in an expert to coach me on how to be a rock star on camera.

Even though I've presented hundreds of times live on stage and over Zoom.

Unless you’re on camera full time for a living, there’s just something about that C word that freaks us all out. Me included.

Enter Michele Moreno. Hiring Michele is one of the best decisions I’ve made. She’s a cool chick. I love her. And if the phrase lights, camera, action makes you want to barf you’re going to love her, too.

Listen into our conversation where Michele, who’s been on sound stages with likes of Big Bird and William Shatner, shares her own on-camera freakout story and shares her top tips for being confident on camera.

Episode highlights include:

Michelle’s gold standard for showing up successfully on camera (hint: it has nothing to do how you look or what you say)
How to get out of your head and into your body before the camera rolls
Why the first seven seconds of filming are the most crucial
Ways to give yourself some grace and compassion if you hate what you see when you watch yourself back

After an epic freak-out on National TV (in front of millions), she learned from every hard knock and developed a camera presence Hollywood could not ignore. Her credits include acting on hit shows like FX’s The Shield, ABC’s Boston Legal and NBC’s Parenthood. Now she helps executives and entrepreneurs become clear, concise and compelling — on camera or off. You can learn more about Michele at her website michelemoreno.co.

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Everyday Emotional Murders

Of all the ways our confidence can get kicked - failure, regret or rejection - it’s rejection that hits us the hardest. If we fail at something or make a decision that didn’t turn out anywhere near the way we hoped, we at least know we had some impact on the result, right?

Not with rejection. Now I know I talked about rejection and how we could all use a little bit of it in another podcast, but the kind of rejection I’m talking about in this episode is a little different.

I call them Everyday Emotional Murders and, if you’re human, it’s likely you’ve been both the victim and the villain committing them.

The “You can’t sit with us,” comments. The “Thanks, but no thanks,” rebuffs. The “I have to wash my hair,” excuses.

Click the play button and let’s talk about Everyday Emotional Murders are, what we can do when we experience one or realize we’ve committed one and listen to the story about the impact one bad boss’ comment from almost 20 years ago still has on me today.

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How to Deal with a Toxic Boss with Aidan Millar

Listen, I know this is a hot topic, but let’s get one thing out of the way: there’s no single, clear-cut definition of a toxic boss. The person who destroyed you may be beloved by others and vice-versa.

It’s a matter of interpretation.

Any time our interpretation of a boss’ behavior threatens our self-worth, self-confidence or emotional well-being in a given moment, we’re in a toxic work relationship. Our lizard brains get triggered and we experience a neurological threat response.

Looking at this way, toxicity can be interchangeable with distrust or even fear – two things no one wants to feel or experience at work (or anywhere for that matter).

But when this is our reality, what can we do to mitigate that stress response and communicate, conduct ourselves and even connect with our boss with confidence?

Learning and Organizational Development pro Aidan Millar joins me in this episode of Real Confidence to spill the tea on exactly how we can begin to build emotional resilience, confidence and be in control over our reactions to the jerk we work for.

We get into:

How the extent to which we FIND others toxic is a sign our personal values have been violated
Why quitting our job out of spite feels like a power move but can actually result in feeling powerless
What happens when we intellectualize versus internalize toxic behaviors (hint: it’s a positive)
Ways you use these challenging experiences to build your own empathetic repertoire and become a better coworker or boss yourself
How to know when it’s time to question your judgments or truly move on

There’s a flip side to this coin, though and it’s not pretty. How do you know if YOU’RE a toxic boss? I’ll be having Aidan back in just a few weeks to help us answer that question. You might want to buckle up.

Aidan Millar is an Organizational Development and Learning Specialist in Ontario, Canada and has spent the last decade engaging with various organizations across Canada to help develop individuals, teams and leaders to optimize their potential. Aidan is also certified in a variety of psychometric assessments to assist in promoting insight and awareness. Connect with her on LinkedIn.

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The Confidence to Own Your Health with Andy Storch

If you’ve been hanging around in my orbit for a while, you probably know my confidence crusade origin story and how ACI came to be. It started when my older son was diagnosed at eight years old with a neurological condition many, many doctors didn’t know what to do with. After years of poking and prodding and not getting any solid answers, I reached a point where I was like, “I gotta take ownership of this.”

It was scary, right? I’m not a researcher, don’t have a medical degree, but I was confident in one thing: I wasn’t going to let that get in the way of helping my son.

My guest on this episode has a similar story. Andy Storch, life-long personal development devotee and author of Own Your Career, Own Your Life thought he knew a thing or two about resilience and overcoming adversity until he had to put his well-honed mindset skills to the biggest test of all: testicular cancer that spread to his stomach and neck.

Listen in as we talk about:

What it means to take responsibility for – ownership of – your health and why it requires confidence
Why it’s important to remember that doctors have your best interest in mind, but can’t know everything
How to use research as a tool to build confidence in your healthcare decisions
The 5 Things Andy wants you to know if you, or someone you love is affected by cancer

Andy Storch has been cancer free since early 2022. Learn more about his health journey at AndyStorch.com/cancer and check out his book at ownyourcareerownyourlife.com.

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How to be Confidently Pissed Off

It may not seem it on the outside but I am easily aggravated. And when I'm tired, or a lot of stuff is going on, I have to fight hard to stay ‘nice’ and not give someone a piece of what's really in my mind and on its way out of my mouth (or typing fingers!)

But not all sources of aggravation are equal - some situations just annoy us and waste our limited cognitive energy. The aggravation is fleeting and we don’t ruminate about it. More frustrating situations can get literally under our skin and into our brains. We might lose sleep or be so stressed out that the aggravation psychologically and physiologically damages our wellbeing.

We’ve got our everyday annoyances, like walking into a restroom stall to find the person who was there before us didn’t flush. Disgusting, but easily dealt with and forgotten. Then we’ve got what I call our “WTF frustrations”, situations like someone replying to an email and asking questions that you clearly addressed in the original note that they obviously didn’t take the time to read. That type of thoughtlessness is annoying for sure but can be dismissed by thinking something like, ‘they’re just a numnuck’.

Then there are the situations or behaviors that utterly piss us off to the point of physical reaction - and everyone can see it. Just try wasting my time or money! That’s pretty much guaranteed to raise my aggravation shackles and get a visual reaction.

No matter how grievous the insult or injury though, we always have choices in how we respond - three options, in fact. In this podcast, I break down what they are and give you strategies on how to simmer down an aggravating situation into something less stressful and more productive than kicking the dog or verbally damaging your human relationships.

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One of my all-time favorite TV shows is one from the UK called Sex Education. It’s got engaging and relatable characters, takes on controversial social issues with honesty and grace, plus, it's often hilarious - an ultimate mix of that makes you really think, laugh and learn.

My 23-year-old son Zak watches it too and we enjoy chatting about the stories and lessons from each episode, but he’s like, “Mom, there is no way in hell we can watch it together - and for the love of G*d, don’t even joke about the sex parts.” Despite his confident upbringing, even Zak isn’t comfortable talking about sex. In truth, neither am I - and I bet we’re not alone.

So if most of us are embarrassed just talking about it, can we learn how to watch it, think about it, and do it with unapologetic confidence?*

YES we can! In this episode of Real Confidence, I ask certified sex therapist and coach Liz Dube specifically HOW.

Highlights from our conversation include:

The impact of media and adult film depictions have on how we judge what “good” or “normal” sex is or isn’t
How to change shame to confidence about your own and your partner’s desires
Why even though sex is basic human drive, it’s both a skill you can learn and not-a-skill at the same time
The reason listening, paying attention and being present with your partner is more important than technique

Want more Liz? Find her at talksexwithliz.com or search Talk Sex with Liz on TikTok where she for near daily convos.

This epidode does not address sexual trauma or factor it into the recommendations made in the podcast. If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse, we encourage you to consult a skilled psychological and/or medical professional.

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Can you hack confidence?

Without fail, at every keynote or workshop I deliver, someone asks me, “What are the easiest, fastest confidence hacks?” It’s a natural question, right? Especially when I share the research that shows we don’t really learn how to be confident until we’re 60 years old.

The good news is there’s definitely a shortcut. We CAN hack confidence in the sense that we can develop it well before we turn 60, but it’s not quite as easy as flipping a switch - despite what you’ll find if you start searching around on the Internet.

Common advice runs the gamut from striking power poses to conscious breathing to having a gratitude practice. There’s nothing wrong with these techniques – I love and use them in a moment of upset, panic or overwhelm – but for real confidence, the kind that lasts and is sustainable, it’s not about what you do, or even about what you think confidence is: it’s about HOW you think.

Are you ready to partner with your brain to hack your confidence? I get into this and more in this episode of Real Confidence.

Key takeaways from this episode include:

How the way we think about being confident differs from general thinking
The role certainty plays in decision-making and what decision-making has to do with confidence
Why what you do after you strike that pose or take that deep breath is the key to real confidence
How sleep – and lack of it – biologically impacts our ability to be confident; and
The superpower of asking questions when you’re in a confidence-challenging situation

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Stop Looking for Purpose & Happiness at Work with Bruna De Palo

Wait. What? Aren’t we supposed to aspire to do work that gives us purpose and makes us happy? Even if it’s not all the time, at least some of the time? After all, work is where we spend most of our time, effort and energy. No one wants that to be a miserable experience.

The trouble is, when that misery inspires us to change roles, companies or industries, we go into the new experience with the same expectations that made us want to leave where we were: that the work we do and whom we do it with (and for) will make us happy, give us purpose and, yes, please, the fulfillment we’ve been seeking all our lives.

Well, stop right there. Because if that’s what you’re looking for, chances are good you’re going to be disappointed once the onboarding honeymoon wears off and you’ll repeat the cycle over and over until you retire.

So what’s the answer? I’m glad you asked. In this episode of Real Confidence I’m joined by the fabulous Bruna De Palo, a neuro-science based executive and career coach whose own journey to uncover why she felt so dead inside when everything about her job looked good on paper led to some startling discoveries.

Tune in to our conversation – which nearly brought me to tears – and hear us talk about:

Why you can work inside the best corporate culture in the world and still be miserable
The reason why basing a career move solely on your skills and expertise is one of the most self-limiting things you can do
How the people around you – at work and at home – can be your best career-change tool (and not, we’re not talking about networking or connections); and
The number one question to ask yourself that just might lead to the answer to everything

Bruna De Palo, is the founder of Think and Act differently Ltd, which delivers neuroscience-based executive and career coaching and training. Bruna helps Fortune 100 and 500 leaders convert theoretical frameworks into memorable, brain-based tools and actionable strategies to achieve their goals. Learn more about Bruna at brunadepalo.com.

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Mean People Suck

I've been wanting to do this podcast forever and, I’m guessing, because How to Deal with Grown-Up Bullies is our most popular episode to date, you’ve been wanting me to do it, too.

Mean people - unlike bullies – are usually people we know – but our relationship to mean people is a little less personal. It might be the snobby barista at your coffee shop, a rude seatmate on your flight or really anyone you encounter who just has a tangible aura of negative energy.

Plus, unlike known bullies who we expect and are prepared to have bad behavior, mean people often take us by surprise. When we’re caught off guard like that, our brain stems spring into action to protect us or defend us. This happens even though we are likely aware that something else is up with that meanie and it has NOTHING to do with us.

What can we do when someone’s yelling at us for taking their parking spot? Or that grumpy relative that is constantly criticizing you?

As much as we’d like to avoid these encounters, it’s not a realistic strategy but in this episode of Real Confidence I’m sharing practical tips on how you can deal with them from a place of calmness, control and – you guess it – confidence.

Highlights include:

Why you might want to consider it an honor that they’re unloading their negativity onto you
The role your personal values play in how you choose to cope with or confront mean people
How you can use what you learn about your values to respond to the meanness in a way that’s authentic and productive; and
Why you want the phrase, “I appreciate it when” to be part of your mean people vocabulary

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How to Have Difficult Conversations with Confidence

Confrontation. The word by itself can make us want to run, hide, or bury our head in the sand. We avoid confrontation because we don’t have certainty around how the other person will react.

Will they think we’re out of line and put us in our place? Will they be hurt and cry? Will they be angry and lash out? Whatever could or might happen, the anxiety around having difficult conversations is something we all experience in our lives – some of us on the regular.

What qualifies as a difficult conversation? It comes down to this: it’s a conversation you don’t really want to have because it is likely to be embarrassingly awkward, uncontrollably emotional, even physically uncomfortable.

Where we get hung up is the underlying belief that when we confront someone, it’s going to be contentious. But while you and the person you’re confronting may not ever be on the same “side”, that doesn’t mean you’re wasting your breath or that it will end in disaster.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I’m joined by Roberta Matuson, author of “Can We Talk? Seven Principles for Managing Difficult Conversations at Work.”

We get into:

Why certain conversations are so darned hard for some of us
How to set the stage so your difficult conversation can also be productive
The role that trust - in yourself and the other person – plays in the outcome
Why you need clarity before you even think about saying, “We need to talk,”; and
What you can do today to make difficult conversations easier, even if you can’t make them feel good

For more than 25 years, Roberta Matuson has been helping organizations find, hire, grow, and keep top talent, saving them millions of dollars that would otherwise be lost in the recruiting process, and achieve dramatic growth because they have the best people.

To learn more about Roberta visit matusonconsulting.com. For information on where to buy her book, go here.

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Thank you, but …

No one gets out of this thing called life with experiencing rejection. Big rejections, little rejections, personal rejections, not-so-personal rejections ... and every one of them sucks.

It’s easy to want to bypass the hurt, shame, frustration, anger, or humiliation that comes with rejection. Our society and culture want us to look on the bright side, trust that some things are meant to be and some aren’t, and to find the lesson in a situation that – let’s be honest – feels AWFUL.

And that awful feeling isn’t lost on the brain, whose job it is to keep us safe. It starts whispering things in our ear, like, “I don’t want to do that again,” “See what happens when you put yourself out there,” or “Let’s go dig a nice hole and hide out in it for the next decade or two.”

That’s a normal human response, but there’s nothing productive about feeling crappy.

Or is there?

In this episode of the podcast, I share my own stories of being on the receiving end of “Thank you, but…” and what I do to move through the anger, frustration and pain so the next time I stick my neck out there, it doesn’t feel so masochistic.

I’ll cover things like:

How to let your cave person brain throw a tantrum – but in a safe way
How playlists, lucky charms and love letters give our brains something else to do besides tell us what a loser we are
The magic of what I call the “Three Little Things” exercise; and
Why it’s important to remember that rejection is part of everyone’s story, but it’s nobody’s whole story

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Sales isn’t just about products and services. We sell ourselves to recruiters and hiring managers when we change jobs, sell our family on where to spend the next vacation, and friends on why we pick for book club pick is the best.

So, whether you sell for a living or not, there’s something in this podcast for you I guarantee will open your mind and change the way you see yourself.

Join me and my special guest, Meshell R. Baker as we get into why selling rattles our confidence even if we had a solid track of success – and what we can do about it.

Tune in to find out more about:

The way what happens outside of work impacts how you think about your skills and abilities
Why your relationship to yourself matters as much – if not more – than how well you can talk about what you’re selling
A better question to ask than “How do I get more clients?” when you’re not making your numbers
The downside of being laser focused on the close
Why repetition is the mother of success

Meshell Baker is the Owner of Meshell Baker Enterprises, founded to help business owners and sales leaders empower their salespeople to develop high-performance resilience and unstoppable confidence. Along with her team, Meshell leverages her 25+ years of sales and leadership success in more than a dozen countries, to inspire energetic and collaborative communication. Students acquire the knowledge, skills, and support integrating success principles and fundamentals and cultivate markedly improved confidence and sustainable increased sales results.

Meshell has been recognized winning awards such as:

Feature as a Top 50 Sales & Marketing Blogs 2021
56 Inspirational Women’s Leaders in Business by Nimble
Featured in National Magazine Ladies Home Journal
Featured Content Contributor to Top Sales World Magazine

Meshell understands that many sellers struggle with fear of rejection, doubt, and imposter syndrome. She is on a mission to establish confidence as a core tenet for sales training success. Meshell is renowned for her authentic value-based and no-nonsense approach to selling that inspires students to confidently convert more conversations into superfan clients. Meshell has phenomenal results, accolades, awards and has compiled an incredible track record of raving recommendations with clients over the years.

Learn more Meshell at meshellrbaker.com.

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Can You Dress for Yourself AND Success?

You know when I was a kid, I had two sets of clothes. One for school and one for play. We’d come home in the afternoon, change outfits and move in the next, inarguably more fun part of our day.

When my school years were behind me, I traded those clothes for work clothes. I didn’t technically have play clothes anymore but believe me when I say my off-the-clock self dressed a lot more like how I felt on the inside.

A lot’s changed in the workplace since then – you don’t need me to tell you that – but my good friend Anna Ettin and I do want to invite you to listen in on an awesome conversation we had about visual self-expression and how it does – or doesn’t – hurt your chances for professional success.

This might be my favorite episode yet.

Highlights include:

Why GenX and Boomers are the ones holding the door open for other generations to show up more fully as themselves
The hidden costs of conforming to societal ideals around physical appearance
The difference between being authentic and being an asshole
How purple hair makes you smarter

Anna Ettin is the Senior Employee Inclusion Leader responsible for amplifying, enabling and scaling Amazon’s 13 Affinity Groups. She is accountable for the global affinity groups’ strategy and operations, and provides support and resources to global and chapter leaders for 900 chapters with more than 100,000 memberships.

Prior to her role at Amazon, Anna spent 18 years at Bank of America. She held a variety of roles from teller to call center manager to learning consultant, finally spending two years leading the company’s employee networks. Anna also launched an Inter-Generational Employee Network (IGEN), helping shape the company's strategies and practices around a multi-generational workforce. She was recognized four times with the company’s Global D&I Award.

She lives in North Carolina and has two daughters, one grandson, and a few pets. Her kitchen table is just as likely covered with craft projects as a meal for friends and family. She is a frequently requested keynote speaker on a variety of D&I topics and leadership skills, including networking and sponsorship.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/anna-ettin-7054ab1/

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Dealing with Gossip at Work and Otherwise

Gossip is so common, in fact that I don't think we notice it half the time. Not just that it’s happening around us, but that we are also unconsciously participating in it without even realizing it.

Meaning, we’ve all been both the victim and the promoter of gossip.

We make a comment about a friend, colleague or teammate we’re frustrated with but rarely think about what happens with those words when we’re done venting.

But we sure pay attention when we’re the ones who’ve been vented about, and that lie becomes an accepted truth that shows up during a performance review or when it comes time for promotion or party invitation.

So, can you stop these lies from killing your confidence? How do you know if you’re the reason someone else’s confidence is eroding?

That’s what I’m getting into in this episode of Real Confidence. Episode highlights include:

How the damage caused by workplace gossip goes beyond the gossiper and the gossipee
Why you feel dirty when someone spills the tea and you don’t do anything to wipe it up or worse, you wish they’d spill more
Constructive ways to shut down conversations you don’t want to be a part of
Non-scary ways to confront someone who has been gossiping about you and come out of it with your confidence intact
How not to be an unintentional bully at work and what to do if you discover you are one

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The Confidence to Be Your Own Boss with Natalie Benamou

Some of us have always known we want to work for ourselves. Others fall into entrepreneurship by chance or necessity and still others step onto the entrepreneurial path to create a legacy for themselves, their loved ones or the people they want to serve.

No matter what your reason is for wanting to be your own boss, the reality of being 100% responsible – and accountable – is as terrifying as it is freeing.

That feeling of terror is what holds a lot of us back or finds us quitting right before the getting gets good.

But what if you had the confidence to step forward and keep taking steps forward, even when the going gets tough?

That’s what we’re talking about in this episode of Real Confidence with special guest Natalie Benamou, who, after a 29-year corporate career, struck out on her own and built a B2B membership platform that helps organizations find new ways to offer women the support they need.

Tune to hear us talk about:

Learning how to sell yourself and your vision
The myth that a need to pivot means you’re doing it wrong
What you’re supposed to do with that window that opens after a door closes
How to keeping going through the daily “Oh, crap” moments every entrepreneur faces

Natalie Benamou MBA, (She, Her)

Natalie has accelerated her career to leadership positions in both the marketing industry and non-profits. She is a rainmaker, achieving a high level of client success generating over $110 million in sales revenues.

Natalie has a ‘serve first’ approach to life and has held executive board roles, advisor and mentor to senior women and served as President for three non-profit boards, including the Healthcare Businesswomen’s Association (HBA) Chicago and is a co-founder of an animal rescue, A Heart for Animals.

Natalie is an event expert and the podcast host of HerCsuite™ Radio. She is a sought-out speaker for events like Coupa Empower and conferences including the Healthcare Businesswomen’s Association (HBA) National Conference, HCEA Connect and podcasts like Conscious Millionaire, Brave Women at Work, Go Find Out, What's Your Ask and Lioness Magazine featured article.

After 29 years in the trade show event industry, Natalie turned passion into her purpose and created HerCsuite™ an all-in-one platform giving women a mentoring and advisory framework to achieve success in every phase of their careers. She is helping organizations change the way women get business done through rethinking mentoring, lunch and learns and immersive event Experiences. You can learn more about Natalie at HerCSuite.com

HerCsuite™

HerCsuite™ Radio

HerCsuite™ Instagram

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Yay, me! But No One Cares.

Picture this: you’ve just done something hard. Remarkable. Personally or professionally meaningful. You nailed it and you want the world to know.

You post it on your social media channels, text your friends and family and … mostly crickets.

Now, your feelings of pride and accomplishment are replaced by disappointment and underneath that, some notes of insignificance or rejection.

Don’t worry – you’re not an egomaniac. This is a totally normal response when our level of enthusiasm isn’t matched by the world around us.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I share my own my experience and talk about:

Why we feel the way we feel when it appears no one cares
How the perception that we don’t matter impacts our confidence even though we KNOW we did something awesome
Why celebrating ourselves is as important as being celebrated
How we can all be the person who makes the difference in someone else’s life

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People We’re Allergic To:

Who brings out the worst in you?

Is it a family member, a frenemy, your boss, a colleague or a certain personality type?

What happens when you’re triggered by them, and your worst self takes over?

I know what happens to me. I get angry that they got the best of me and spend too much judging my behavior, like “Oh, you idiot. Why did you do that? What did you act like that? Why did you let them get the best of you?”

Here’s what I want you to know:

Behaving or speaking in ways that aren’t your best doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t mean you can’t do better next time.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I talk about:

Why certain people get under our skin and give us that itchy-scratchy feeling
What we can learn from our “worst” moments and “bad” behavior
Strategies for dealing with your fight response when you go straight into defensive mode
How you can be more confident going into situations where you know you might be triggered

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I can’t even count the number of times I’ve talked to someone who thinks – and hopes – that the best way to gain more confidence is to pursue a degree, a certification - or several of each!

But every one of these well educated individuals reported back to me that their confidence boost was temporary at best. In fact, many said that the credential REDUCED their ongoing confidence. One reason is an expectation to always be expert and perfect which is simply not possible - and inevitably exhausting. Another reason is that situational confidence or a specific competency doesn’t give you overall REAL confidence.

If this is ringing any school bells for you, you’re going to want to listen to this episode where I unpack what the teaching institutions don’t want you to know! My confidence colleague adn personal friend, Dr. Jeanette Winters, joins me to dish the truth about degrees. She ‘s not only qualified as the Chief Coaching Officer for ACI, but she knows firsthand with more lettered credentials following her name than anyone I know!

Listen in while Jeannette and I discuss:

Why we’re so immediately but often inaccurately impressed when we meet highly credentialed people
Why we make assumptions about someon’e overall confidence just because they have a single competence
What's the best credentialing to improve confidence

Dr. Jeanette Winters holds a doctorate in Public Administration from the University of Southern California, a Master’s Degree in Higher Education Administration and Bachelor of Arts from American University in Washington, D.C., and is a certified executive Coach from the Hudson Institute. She is a NeuroLink certified practitioner and also holds a certificate in neuroscience and leadership from the NeuroLeadership Institute. Dr. Winters is one of the founding members of the University of Pennsylvania’s Executive Chief Learning Officer Doctoral Program Advisory Board and Faculty Director for UC Berkeley Corporate Education's "Aspiring CHRO/Emerging Talent Leader" program.

You can learn more about Jeanette at www.parrishpartners.com or connect with on her LinkedIn linkedin.com/in/jeanettewinters

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Has this ever happened to you?

You sign up for a workshop, seminar or conference that promises to help you feel more confident, productive or otherwise improve an aspect of your life or yourself.

The speaker is inspiring, the content is lighting up your brain and you’re feeling ready to take on the world … until you’re not.

Instead of feeling motivated to put what you’re learning into practice, you’re discouraged. You may even feel worse about your situation than before you signed up and think you suck, you’ll never get to the “after” in your story or that transformation is for “other people”.

Why does this happen and what can we do about it?

In this episode of Real Confidence, I take the mystery out of this phenomenon and offer practical tips on how to keep our confidence in check when these doubts creep in.

Listen in as I talk about:

How other people’s “success stories” can cause us to doubt ourselves
The one thing you can do going into any talk, course or program to keep you focused and grounded in your “why” for being there
Why celebrating your willingness to learn, grow or change is just as important as anything else you hoped to get out of the experience

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Get ready to giggle! This week’s guest is someone who came into my life when she became an ACI certified confidence coach and every time I talk to her, I feel so blessed.

Not only is she a stellar human being and one of the funniest people on the planet, but Brooklyn Dicent created a career as Chief Happiness Officer by bringing comedy to the workplace to make it more fun and fulfilling.

Sounds counter-intuitive, right? Work is supposed to be serious business! But imagine just for a second how awesome it would be to deck the halls with boughs of happy? You’re welcome - I’m giving you the gift of Brooklyn!

Listen in to my conversation with Brooklyn where we talk about:

How we all have the capacity to be humorous
Why we start transforming the moment we give ourselves permission to take up some space
When you give yourself permission to be your authentic self, it revolutionizes not just yourself but the people around you
Courage as the key to comedy

You might just walk away from this episode ready, willing and able to become the Chief Happiness Officer of your own life.

Learn more about Brooklyn at brooklynhappiness.com.

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Tell me if this sounds familiar.

You send an email or text to a friend, loved one or colleague and don’t hear back. A few more days pass and nothing. They’re ghosting you – or so you think. Or maybe you do hear back, but the answer feels cold and clipped.

You then start wondering if you said or did something wrong, go back and re-read the email you sent and replay your last interactions dozens of times.

Pretty soon you’re telling yourself a story about what you might have done wrong and thinking of a way to apologize.

Not so fast.

What if it’s not about YOU at all?

In this episode of Real Confidence, I’m going to introduce you to a concept I only recently learned about myself: NET NEUTRAL and why it’s good news for all of us.

Tune in as we dig into:

Why our brains immediately take us to a place of hurt, betrayal or rejection
What happens we put the burden on someone else to communicate better; and
How we can learn to take things less personally by not making assumptions
What you can do not to be the person who unintentionally disses someone and dings their confidence

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How many people do you know – including yourself – who are terrified of giving presentations? We obsess over what people will think of us. We fear we might sound stupid or look unprepared in front our bosses, our peers and our direct reports.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I talk to Karen Donaldson, a celebrity communication body language and confidence coach who also happens to be an ACI certified coach.

Highlights from our conversation include:

How to know where your fear of speaking comes from (and why it’s important)
The magic of privileging connecting with your audience over memorizing your words
Why you should go in expecting to make mistakes
The real reason you can’t fake it forever and why your nerves just might be your best friend
This truth: You can’t fail when you’re just being yourself

You can learn more about Karen’s work at at karendonaldsoninc.com

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I hate it when...

Whether it’s a friend who always cancels plans last minute, a partner who makes a hobby out of interrupting you or a boss who is consistently late for your 1:1s, these micro-disses don’t just annoy us, they can downright piss us off.

What happens next? Our bodies and brains tell us something not’s right in the world and we usually harbor quiet resentment or we lash out.

Neither is good.

But what is good is when we use pet peeves productively as signals when other people transgress our values.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I’m taking you behind the scenes into one of our most-loved training exercises. You’ll learn how to:

Turn your pet peeve inside out to see what’s really upsetting you
Get clarity on your values and better manage a situation when someone violates them
Use your inside-out pet peeves as the starting point to confidently communicate with the person on the other side of the peeve

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Confidently supporting gender identity & change

What’s the right way to support someone who is questioning or already in the process of changing their gender identity?

How do you best support their family? Their friends? Your own family and friends? Maybe you also need some help to understand and know how to move ahead comfortably?

In this episode of Real Confidence, I talk to John Grosshandler about his own experience as a father of a transgender child that also led him to co-found The GenderCool Project that shares the perspectives of transgender and non-binary youth who are thriving.

Find out the right actions that can help everyone feel more confident.

Key takeaways from our conversation:

You aren’t “blind” or “failing” If your child, loved one or friend comes to you and opens up about their gender identity and you were taken by surprise.
Feeling scared or ignorant doesn’t make you a bad person; it’s what you do in response to that fear and ignorance that makes the difference.
The internet is loaded with depressing, incorrect info but there are some expert sources that can really help.
Lead with love and the rest will follow.

You can learn more about John, his family, and the work he does at GenderCool.org

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So you’re ready for a career change…

Maybe you’ve had it with that useless boss of yours.

Maybe you’re done languishing in a position that’s not giving back to you.

Or maybe you’re just plain bored.

Whatever the reason, just the thought of “changing stripes” can be a real challenge to one’s confidence.

For most people, it opens up a host of tough questions, like:

“What do I want more of in my life and in my career right now?”

“What's missing?”

“What am I really hungry for?”

In this episode, we’re talking to Cat Breet, host of “Planet Work”, about the steps a person should have take the moment they realize they're no longer thrilled with their current occupation. Change is usually scary – but you can use that fear as fuel to find a job that you’ll wish you had sooner.

Listen in as we discuss why:

It’s easy to blame a bad boss for being unhappy at work, but the best way to find your next right step is to understand the root cause of your unhappiness
Financial, family and other obligations make it harder – but not impossible – to take risks when it comes to career change
Identifying what you want more AND less of in your life is the first step in making a thoughtful career change
If your job is turning you into someone you or others don’t like, it’s probably time to make a change

Want more Cat Breet? Check out Planet Work or visit catbreet.com.

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Why Everyone Could Use A Little Rejection Here And There….

No kidding - life happens.

For all the planning and preparing we do, circumstances beyond our control are bound to impact us for better and worse.

If you’ve ever taken a tough loss, you know how hard that pill can be to swallow.

Whether it’s dealing with let downs in your professional career, or platonic or romantic relationship rejections, the after effects of disappointments can rattle around in our brains for years.

They keep us up at night – and sometimes wake us up early the next day. Sometimes they even seem to physically hurt.

Left unchecked, they can completely rob us of motivation and reduce physical resilience.

But disappointment isn’t all bad.

It's part of what we have to do, like it or not, to learn, grow, and become our best selves. The trick is to learn to use disappointment in a way that's more productive. That's where our confidence has a chance to get stronger, more resilient and quicker to recover.

In this episode, we’re talking easy ways you can reframe even major losses into major learnings. Learn three habits to help you:

Harness disappointments as part of the confidence process
Objectively examine what went wrong to appreciate, not self-deprecate
Imprint what went right to repeat desired behaviors and outcomes
Protect your confidence from future inevitable life fireballs

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I get asked to speak on a variety of topics.

Most of them are on very similar topics: confidence in the workplace, confidence to give presentations, confidence to participate in meetings, psychological safety, etc.

But every so often, I get a request that surprises me. One request in particular happened when I was asked to give a keynote for the second year in a row at a nursing conference.

“Would you come talk to us about how to handle bullies?

Turns out, it was a discussion the nursing world needed to have – and it’s a topic ALL us Confidence Crusaders need to understand.

“Bullying” is much more than that thing your boss loves to do.

Whether you realize it or not, you’re under constant bombardment from subtle (and not-so-subtle) bullies – on Zoom calls, in the supermarket, on social media, at family events, at the dog park – you name it.

And chances are, you’ve given them full license to drain your confidence.

In this episode of Real Confidence “How To Deal With Grown-Up Bullies”, we talk about how to:

Start identifying the other bullies in your life you might be blind to
Recognize which of the “Big Fearful Three” your confidence bullies are preying on, and start taking back the power
Empower the bully in your life with the confidence they desperately need (huh?)
Stop being a subtle bully to others (yeah – you too!)

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Is It Too Much of A Good Thing, Or Too Little of the Real Thing?

You probably know someone who considers themselves “very confident.”

They wear their, ahem, “overconfidence” on their sleeves. Often to the detriment of other people.

But is it real confidence? Or do they belong to a group we at ACI like to call “confidence imposters?”

This week, we’re taking some time to break down the causes of cockiness, arrogance, and all the different kinds of “confidence villains.”

Why confidence villains?

Because while these behaviors look like signs of confidence on the surface, they’re actually diametrically opposed to real confidence – and often, a cry for help.

So if you’ve found yourself in scenarios like...

...dealing with a boss who unfairly questions your contribution in the workplace….

...putting up with a coworker who never misses an opportunity to publicly correct you...

...or stifling an eye-roll when you hear words like “What do you mean you haven’t read X?”...

...then this episode of Real Confidence is a must-listen!

Get actionable tips to not only manage your confidence around these villains, but also identify and even handle other people’s!

You’ll also hear:

What bullies and drug addicts have in common
How much confidence is too much confidence
Why more money or success doesn’t equate with more confidence
Why confidence without competence makes us dangerous to ourselves and others
How to engineer more win/win situations with the “confidence bullies” in your life

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I’ve Got Money On My Mind, And It’s Stressing Me Out

Fear of financial failure is an enormous stress for me.

And I know I’m far from being alone.

Studies show that insecurities over money affect women regardless of age, marital status, socioeconomic class.

From Bag Lady Syndrome, to angst over whether you can really trust someone else to manage your money – if left unchecked, money worries can tear your confidence to shreds.

So let’s talk about it.

This episode, we’re digging in with Juli Erhart-Graves, head of Worley Erhart-Graves' Financial Advisors, on the source of common money insecurities and what it takes to feel more secure and confident in your financial life.

Keep an ear out for:

The difference between real and projected financial confidence
How to find a right financial planner you can feel (genuinely) confident about
The role of having the right motivators in smarter financial planning

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You’re not insecure. You’re just not clear.

Here’s a question that’s caused quite a bit of controversy in the past:

“What’s the opposite of confidence?”

Think about it for a second…..

If you said insecurity, you’re in good company.

If you struggle with speaking in front of an audience, making tough decisions, or believing in yourself after setbacks, you may feel like the root of your problem is being insecure.

Turns out, the dictionary has misled a lot of people about the meaning of confidence.

In this episode, I’m sharing why real confidence has a lot more to do with doing what you believe is true for you. You’ll also learn:

The role of guilt in our lives, and how to overcome it
Why having certainty about your values is A MUST
How to figure out which of your hidden needs you’re not serving

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“I can’t go to the gym – I don’t look fit enough yet!”

Have you ever walked into the gym and immediately regretted it?

Did you look around the room and see the muscle guys and the matchy-matchy Lululemon sets, and immediately felt your inner confidence run for the hills?

Were you painfully aware of your progress vs. everyone else’s?

Or maybe you just flat out felt like the fattest person in the gym?

Whether it’s at the gym, or in your career, trying new things can be terrifying – especially when you’re at the front of the room.

What we tend to misinterpret is how many other people in the room you shared those same exact feelings – even the ones who look like they know what they’re doing.

In this latest episode of Real Confidence, I invited incredible personal trainer (and incredible person) Caroline Dawson to talk about lessons in being comfortably vulnerable – starting with a very familiar confidence-challenging environment.

Learn why reaching your full potential requires making decisions based on what really you want to do – not what you think you can do!

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I'm in recovery. But it's not the kind that you think.

Sometimes we fall off the wagon.

In the pursuit of our goals, we may veer off course, lose our sense of purpose, and worst of all, lose confidence in ourselves.

It’s no one’s fault – traumas in life that we cause or other people cause, or in this case, the world's causes can put us into cognitive chaos.

Like a world-wide pandemic.

The question is, how do you recover from falling in a rut – and regain your confidence along the way?

The first step is to make sure that whatever you're set on doing is something that you value need and want.

The second step is to make sure you’re setting yourself up for success….

In this episode of “Real Confidence”, I’ll share what I’ve learned from my own experiences getting my mojo, energy and motivation all back on track after a very long year of chaos.

Listen out for helpful tips like:

How to make mindful commitments that you actually follow through on
When to check your “cognitive closet” to avoid ongoing decision-fatigue
Why you really need to give yourself (and others) a break more often

Whether you’re trying to get back in pre-pandemic shape, get better at reaching out to people that you really care about, or make tough choices about a job you really hate – this episode will help you clear out those COVID cobwebs and make a decision to do something about it!

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Around the age of sixty, your confidence starts to peak.

No, it’s not because we’re finally in a place where our experience outweighs all those little nagging doubts.

It’s definitely not a result of some golden state of enlightenment.

It’s actually much simpler than that....

According to research, at that stage of life, we just stop giving a damn what other people think.

Which raises a few interesting questions for confidence seekers on the younger side:

If tomorrow you just stopped caring, how would your life change?

What would you do? What would you stop doing immediately?

Who would you be?

It’s one of those things that I’ve had plenty of conversations with professionals about over the years running ACI. No matter how old we are, no matter our gender or ethnicity, having the confidence to be oneself is a constant battle.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Turning the confidence corner for good starts with accepting a single, simple truth – and freedom from that insidious little devil that’s silently shaping what you believe about yourself, how you perform in the world, and the opportunities will (or won’t) let yourself to accept.

In this episode of Real Confidence learn how embracing one idea today can help you:

Liberate yourself from crutch of “selling” to everyone
Start giving yourself permission to like the person in the mirror
Stop feeling alienated and start finding “your people”
Build on constructive criticism to discover a better you, faster

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After training 350,000 people, I can confidently say that EVERYONE has some type of confidence challenge. Maybe you are petrified in meetings or God forbid asked to present something. Maybe certain people make you anxious or you’re in a relationship or job knowing it's not what they want but your past rejections constantly remind you to just suck the current situation up. And what wears down confidence more is the advice given by so-called experts with their well-intentioned motivational hero stories that only make you feel like even a bigger loser.

That’s why we’re both here. We need a better, more scientific and systematic approach. Because real confidence isn’t just about feeling better in a specific situation. It's about BEING confident consistently every time you act, react and interact with everyone. My name is Alyssa Dver and I am the founder and CEO of The American Confidence Institute and a self-proclaimed confidence crusader, neuro nerd and success equalizer.

In the Real Confidence podcasts, I’ll be demystifying some brain science and exposing social secrets. I want to teach you not just what to do but specifically how and why it impacts confidence - yours and everyone else’s.

I want you to be so comfy in your skin that you literally radiate confidence so you naturally inspire and have greater impact in all aspects of your life. When you have real confidence, you’ll easily do and accomplish the things you really desire and most importantly, you’ll be the person you truly and authentically want to be.

Sound intriguing? Then tune in, subscribe and be part of the real confidence community. I hope you’ll join us to bring more confidence to the world.

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Alyssa Dver