nickydee 3Speak Podcast: Recent Episodes
Nicky Dee
Listen and watch the latest videos from nickydee. Hosted by 3Speak.tv. The free speech video platform on the HIVE blockchain.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/tfemapvo
Note: Mainstream Social Media in this content refers to Facebook and Instagram specifically. I don't know much about Twitter as my f for UR already Perfect was on mental health and addiction related information for teenagers.
But Google is so blatantly involved that it's actually rude (probably rude to not include them since they are so blatantly blatant).
It must be cool to have so much money that you think you're untouchable, huh?
We wait to see what the Aussie courts have to say next š
I recently updated a track and a video created to raise awareness about the effects of mainstream social media on its users back in 2022.
The original article was written in 2021. Edited to be more direct in 2023.
The track and video created in 2022 in a consistent effort to raise more awareness that began in 2019 has been updated because using Hive, instead of my old mainstream social media accounts, for almost a year has softened my voice substantially again.
Yeah. This is me with a softer voice. Although some folks around here may doubt it. I was far more traumatized and far angrier a year or so ago. Mostly because of the dishonesty and bullshit mainstream media rewards in its users.
What I loved most about Hive, when I joined in June 2022, was that the blockchain rewards its users for engaging. "If that's what it takes for people to be decent, less competitive and to connect," I thought, "then I'm totally down with it!"
More... these who enjoy connecting and uplifting others naturally will thrive faster than those who come in with a more mainstream headspace based on me, me, me. now proven fact And connecting around here may even "reprogram" such behaviour over time. still a Dreamer
Like. UpVote.
Of course, only humans are everywhere and you have to focus on finding your kindreds. No judgement. Of course. still punting non-judgement as the first practice to real self awareness for the next bit of the journey š
Nothing is perfect and everything already is perfect. The only time I keep some distance is when there's a lack of accountability. For my own health and safety. Of course.
I've found Hive shows, on an ongoing basis, interest in the same principles and values I have and, to boot, there are some really great people around here. As perfectly human as I am. Love it.
The rockstars can fuck off, quite frankly.
I'm too old and too comfortable in my pajamas to be a groupie.
Or a rockstar.
So why do I keep on moaning about mainstream social media anyway?
Well... I've been forced to slow down on content creation and am finally taking the time... almost one year in and passed since I said I'd be doing this... to move some of my old content to the blockchain.
Also. Meta hasn't changed its ways and, in fact, seems to only be getting worse.
I'd never be cheeky enough to post the exact same old stuff around here, though. So I'm also updating it a bit with new learning and a softer me.
Yep. This is a softer me. I will, and it's probably better in a pretty fierce world, never be as soft as I once was. Life happens and it changes us. Sometimes forever.
And that's okay.
Now.
So back to why the big mainstream bastids should be abandoned for mental health reasons alone...
Mainstream Social Media is Designed to be Addictive
The web developers, coding for Meta, are using the same algorithms used in casino slot machines to give a userās brain hits of the neurochemical Dopamine to get them addicted.
They save up notifications and release them in one go. Users get the āhighā of a well-timed ājackpotā. The developers are intentionally targeting brain chemistry, and regions in the brain, that are directly responsible for the mechanisms of the addictive cycle.
Their intention is to addict people and to keep them using their platforms as much as possible.
So that they can advertise to them and profit. Of course.
Mainstream Social Media Encourages Dishonesty
About "Meta-communication"... how ironic, huh?
This type of communication happens between human beings when they are in the same physical space, where vocal tone, eye contact and body language are factored into the exchange.
There are many different aspects and layers of communication. We know this. It's how our brains figure out what is safe and when we should run or fight. It happens in milliseconds and it doesn't require an exchange of words at all.
Now we text someone if they are in the same room. We lie easily about how we are feeling (*smiley emoji). We can be whoever we want to be online.
Our exchanges are brief and summarised. Too brief to get a real sense of, and enough input, to understand a whole, complex, entirely different human being. Misinterpretation is easy. Lying is easier.
Connection can be feigned, completely imagined, or both. A form of communicating that is ripe for misunderstanding is now our preferred way to ātalk.ā (worried face emoji or rolling eye emoji*, depending on who is reading this, what will resonate with you most and keep you reading longer)
Honest, vulnerable, REAL connection is how we feel validated and āseen.ā Real connection is vital for good mental health. Honest sharing encourages much-needed support and validation in stressful times.
Safely, annually recycled memes that folks are confident will attract "Likes", anyone? yawn, already
And the death of originality, personal creativity and the avoidance authenticity rewarded.
Unlike Downvote.
Throw in a good handful of misunderstanding and you have people's attention, I guess.
Which leads me to...
Mainstream Social Media Rewards Acrimony & Anti-Social Behaviour
Angry exchanges are common any time that we talk about the things that matter to us.
Gone are the simple personal updates on Facebook. Hello to mainstream politics and news. and tons of advertising, of course!
Because what do people fight about most? Well...
Mainstream social media algorithms bump up posts with high engagement. Thatās their job. To give you what they think you want, to keep your valuable attention.
People love a good, messy, mess and a fight. A car crash. A train wreck. As long as it isnāt them involved, of course. This is a less than admirable, and commonly acknowledged quirk of human nature.
Mainstream social media is rewarding the gritty, less kind and humanitarian side of human nature, mathematically, because that's what sells, and that's what we respond react to the most.
Mainstream Social Media is Linked to Mental Health Issues
People want them likes and they market themselves to get them.
No being a messy only human allowed.
We see only, mostly, snippets of the most enviable parts of peopleās days. With filters.
This leaves people who are struggling with personal challenges, feeling even worse. This also leaves people, pretending that they are living a rock ān roll lifestyle, isolated and alone when their dopamine high wears off.
Different drug of choice. Same comedown.
People aren't encouraged to share honestly, vulnerably, openly, or consciously on mainstream social media. Not even remotely. There's nothing wrong with being human. There's nothing wrong with being real.
Yet here they are, encouraging people and the kids, to sell themselves as perfect, to lie about who, how, and what they are.
Or to not post at all.
Isolation during challenging times creates trauma.
Mainstream Social Media uses People's Personal āTriggersā to Manipulate them
They are listening. No, itās not hippy, conspiracy rubbish.
Your clicks, your data āāā everything that you do on mainstream social media ā āis being recorded. The big platforms are using this data to build, apologies āāā have built - a psychological profile of you.
They know what you are likely to click on. They know what is going to provoke you into a reaction.
They are using this information to manipulate your online journey.
Why? Follow the money. Again.
Every trigger that they provoke will probably make you react to a post that they want you to engage with. And if you've been using Meta and Google for a while they already know what you'll stop to read, comment on and/or share.
And the āpopularityā of said posts will make them more visible on social media. They can use your own triggers to get you to share what they want to share. And they have.
Are you feeling uneasy yet?
Emotional and psychological manipulation is, exactly, what a narcissistic/psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship runs on. These relationships are based on two things alone. Power and Control. And maintaining this over the victim. By triggering and then "rewarding" users, mainstream social media is able to create the same "trauma bond" created in abusive relationships.
Another form of addiction and the addictive cycle.
Very difficult to heal and break free from, by the way...
Mainstream Social Media is kinda Abusive
Using shame, guilt, and rejection to ādisciplineā people is a form of abuse. End of story.
In fact, people that are raised in families where guilt, shame, and rejection are used to āteachā them (think power and control again) how to behave, develop addiction and mental health ādisordersā later on in life.
Long-term emotional and psychological abuse results in PTSD and C-PTSD, which both present as mental health issues and often result in addiction problems as survivors try to self-medicate. It is also very difficult to treat and to heal.
Being excluded, ignored (psychologically ostracized) or shamed, publicly, by the pack can be a very traumatic experience for a human being. We are pack animals and our basic instin is wired for a need to be a part of the group in order to, literally, survive.
If a person steps away from the general consensus on social media they are often punished with no likes or comments or outright written attacks.
The brain is not as clever as we think it is. In fact, it can be pretty dim. It will interpret this rejection by the pack, in the same way, it will an actual live threat of extinction under the right circumstances.
"Cancel culture" and cyber bullying, anyone? This is what our kids are being raised on.
Which brings us to...
Under Pressure
My generation was the first to get this kind of tech but we were already grown and the internet was still slow. We even had to go outside to rent a Betamax Video Cassette to watch a movie at home. Yeah I'm that old
More importantly, we were 80ās kids. Railing against the system was a part of our identity. Being a rebel and a misfit was mainstream. Our generation was allowed to be angry, depressed, emo, weird and outraged. And wow, were we ever!
Nobody labeled us with mental disorders or threw us out of the pack. The messier your hair and the more smeared your makeup was the cooler you were. Nobody blinked an eye at us belligerent teenagers. When we walked out of the door we disappeared until we could find an actual phone booth if we needed to get hold of someone.
We were infinitely more āfree.ā
Now it is all online all of the time.
Your āconnectionā to whatever you need, whoever you need, whenever you need. Where you can be anything you want to when you want to. Where you can be crying and drop a smiley emoji and nobody will ever know. Where you can lie easily because nobody can see you blush. Where you can have thousands of friends, that you've never even met, who can turn on you at any time. Where you can see the Insta photos of the party you were never invited to in real-time.
Imagine being at an age when making mistakes, pimples, acne, hormonal weight gain, and all of the other beautiful, awkwardness of being human starts in full. But you are, literally, in the public eye and can not put one foot out of line.
This was one of the reasons that I never wanted to be a rock star in the first place. This, and the fact that I have never had the tenacity to learn guitar properly and have the vocal range of an enthusiastic drunk.
It was the inevitable judgment, of the less secure public eye, for not being perfect all of the time and not knowing who my real people were amid the bling. I mean...
most big rock stars ended up in rehab or dead. Let's face it. And all of their stories are unsurprisingly similar.
Now mainstream social media encourages people to promote themselves, and ruthlessly only themselves, as pop idols.
How sad. Considering so many of the sad endings to those stories...
Intentionally. Addicted. Programmed. Manipluated. Consumers. 24 / 7.
What could possibly go wrong?
Saved for the busy dad and generous human who keeps the tunes coming on #ttt. Mr @ablaze himself. Thanks for your ongoing mission to keep us connected, dude.
Knock knock?
Bonus track because... knock knock. And the masters of being "woke". Of course.
UR already Perfect
Providing free information on living harmoniously as an individual in a rapidly changing world.
Download the track for free on KoFi.
Video featured image made with Canva with my images. Images edited with GIMP. Video created with Blender and updated in 2023 in YouCut
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/nltfiohbro
Something I wanted to do for @zirochka until life intervened and more detours always!
Sorry so long. I always keep my promises though. "Even if they take me far, far away. Some quote from Star Wars, I think
But if I'm wrong then this works too: although whether anything after Return of the Jedi is to be construed as Star Wars is still up for debate.
*āThe dark is generous and it is patient and it always wins ā but in the heart of its strength lies its weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars.ā*
ā Matthew Stover, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
With love, sister ā¤ļø
May the Force be with you Definitely Star Wars š
Note In accordance with my principles and values, I have removed all community badges from my profile. I love all the communties I write for on Hive and will, probably, find even more as I wander. I strongly believe that total personal sovereignty is vital to me staying as "woke" as possible and am busy wandering along on an "accidental journey". Although some would say "there are no accidents" Master Oogway š
In all seriousness though. I am practicing a kind of "spritual" / personal growth / recovery "thing" over here and this is a big part of it. It's not you. It's me.
Thanks for getting me on to this channel, @penderis. She's pretty awesome!
Find out more about "Perfect" here
The Accidental Theory *In a real story thereās little absolute truth and thereās rarely finite understanding.
There are also no heroes or villains in a true story.
Only choices.
But while we can choose who we want to be at any given moment...
sometimes we arenāt able to be who we are yet.
And even if we are able to do this...
nobody is a hero or a villain all of the time.*
An excerpt from The Accidental Theory
Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>
To follow... It's Not About the Money Excerpt: "I've seen lots of conversation about awkward topics around here, recently, and that makes me hopeful."
and When to (possibly) "fight the good fight" / the end of The Accidental Theory. Also known as "the book that may never be written". But we may need to address why shame and embarrassment aren't helpful first if you've maybe missed this part. Please stop that shit now. It's slowing us down!
And you thought this was all about me, huh?! It is. But it also isn't.
I love you! It's not your fault. And... there's nothing "wrong" with you. Just in case someone didn't tell you today. š ā¤ļø
I'm taking a much needed actual one whole day off after a busy week. BrB. Always.
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee*
www.mettame.art
Featured image my own for this one. Original Aweh (meta Verse) illustration created with Photoshop. Original illustration used original source unknown. Gif created using Canva. Perfect cover: created with Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash.
All photo editing done with GIMP.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/ahvvreuf
Keeping notes on Hive so this is a shortish one.
To those who have the case files:
I'm here to stay. On the Hive Blockchain, that is. You're the only community I've found who are even willing to have a conversation like this. And you have my full support in return.
If I don't comment (I'll always be commenting and curating so check comments as my presence here, please) for more than 3 days, please release the Affidavits here on Hive in my stead.
Please remove my and all my personal contacts/family members' names to protect their privacy. Including that of the person who started the fight, please. And my was to be life-partner (Husband - yes, we were engaged despite my aversion to marriage. That's how much I loved the man! He was set on making things formal.)
You can decide whether to include officials' names or not. I'd suggest that they were lied to and not trained well enough to deal with the case, however. And that the workload they're trying to deal with results in dangerously bad service.
Having said that, I went on to do pro-Bono support for survivors and have heard some terrifying accounts of misdirected social services and police corruption and brutality.
To the point that an ex-wife of a police officer, who laid a charge of domestic violence against her husband, had a gun waved in her face, at her front door, by a few police colleagues of her ex-husband and was told she would be shot and killed if she continued the case against him.
This is by police officers themselves.
This isn't just my story. And, I'll say this again, I've heard far, FAR worse.
This is also not some kind of witch hunt or revenge against the person who started this mess.
We both behaved badly, at times, and we've both gone on to learn a bit and get over ourselves a bit more. They have, however, continued to hold me captive and under their thumb. Also facilitated by government parties.
My point is that, if services were working as they are meant to and those officials and authorities were held accountable for their behavior, this case would have been nipped in the bud at the first false allegation...
and none of this would have happened.
The case was that clear cut and THAT clearly rubbish. And every authority figure involved would have seen this if they'd taken the time to investigate and do the jobs assigned to them.
Legal protocol was ignored. Corruption was ignored. Criminal behavior was ignored. Human Rights violations were committed by the very officials bound to ensure the citizens of this country are protected. Sometimes by magistrates themselves. It goes on.
While I don't resent the mistakes we human beings make, if the very systems in place that are supposed to hold human beings accountable for their mistakes protect said individuals instead of holding them accountable...
well...
we all know the outcome of this, these days.
I simply asked the government to fix their errors, by the way. Nothing more than this. No punishment for anyone involved. I only wanted my family back. And some help to rebuild what I've lost while trying to save it.
And now let's get back to Pippin and Nugget's magical adventures and making some art.
Featured image my own.
Working on my phone so please forgive typos etc. if any.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/yeoqzyfx
April 2023 (!)I did my absolute best to participate in #HivePUD but the internet thought it better I not post this yesterday for some probably good reason.
And, these days, I don't fight the flow quite so much.
I gave it a solid go but at around 10:00pm last night, had to concede I was beaten again and it just wasn't gonna happen. It's a long story and I'll spare you the gory details. this time
This is a quick update to say "hey hello" and "I'm okay" fisted fist bump because some good folks around here have been a bit worried about this journey. Sorry... I'm an artist. I'm not here to make you comfortable... I'm here to make you feel... and, I hope, think. š¬
Yes... it's been quite a ride but life's like that, at times, and I'm resilient and experienced enough now to keep on walking through to, inevitably, come out the other side.
As we do.
And I have now. until next time
I think.
Maybe.
Who knows what happens next.
These days I stay open to being open to the possibilities because I can't resist following my curiosity...
and I'm not about to change this.
It's not about making a point or anything...
it's a way of life.
Original image source
p.s. Thanks for being there, guys. Some of this journey would've sucked harder without the behind the scenes support from some of you. But the tough times are just as relevant and important as the sparkly times. If not even more so! So please don't be scared of them. And thank you again ā¤ļø
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."
-The master... Carl Jung
It's like a zombie apocalypse out on the road around here. An episode or three of "The Walking Dead". Love Zombies to the max but only on screen, to be clear, @riverflows.
I think, after COVID and with load-shedding to boot, many people are really struggling now. It's kinda "survival of the fittest" happening all over the place and most folks are pretty scared. Sh!t just got even more weird.
Or perhaps I'm still a bit naive and this is the way we humans "work". I choose to believe it's just survival stress, though.
It has, however, led to some interesting experiences and more learning as it does and, since I'm all into experience and learning...
I most definitely got what I wished for.
The last bit, however, was just plain tiring and a bit disappointing as "the best laid plan(s)" didn't work out.
Again.
And I was tired before that.
Also... my tolerance for sh!t was way, way down low by this time. So if you were running around looking for trouble and crossed my path then you got what you wished for too. Nice to meet you. ā¤ļø
Now once-upon-a-time I would've believed some kind of force was guiding me to where I'm supposed to be...
but, these days, I'm not so sure of anything much anymore. The jury is officially out on this debate. All I do know is that the answer actually is (maybe) 42 and...
that where I was isn't where I want to be.
With some focus, and consistent effort, I've now made my way back to where I actually did want to stop and make a base camp last year, in November 2022.
Please check dates on headers of posts to see when the parts of this journey actually happened so you don't freak out for no good reason. And thanks for being you. Again.ā¤ļø
The Accidental Theory is an experiential multimedia story. It will not be consecutive because life and learning isn't consecutive. The way the journey unfolds, and loops back to past events to illustrate "learning", is a part of the "experience". Headings are important! š
I reckon you'll understand why I wanted this to be "Base Camp" when you see where I finally am now.
April 2023 (!)
sigh... and I feel like I can breathe again for the first time in six* months of traveling.
Can you believe it's been that long already?!I know this journey might freak some people out at times.
So does life.
Life isn't always a bed of roses.
We all know this.
But we often choose to avoid or ignore the grittier side of life. Or even avoid change because we're afraid of some of the challenges we will have to overcome during the process. The thing is...
learning always includes some mistakes and a bit of a bump and grind, if we're lucky, or two. if we're extra lucky
I've reached a stage in my life where the fear of things staying the same really has become worse than the fear of change. It's how I lost most of my fear and made peace with the rest of it that I'm trying to share around here. That, in my personal experience, is what led, ultimately, to my "liberation".
A part of this is sharing what the fear was that I had to walk through...
to find the kind of freedom I've found. Mentally and psychologically, that is. Physically... well... I'm still trying to figure this part out.
My point here is...
please don't worry quite so much.
I chose this, remember? I chose life. I chose adventure over safety. I chose experience over comfort. I chose mobility over stability because I've spent most of my life living Groundhog Day.
Time is precious to me now. In truth it should be for all of us but I have the benefit/curse (your choice) of being reminded of this every day, which really does away with a f*ck ton of procrastination and messing around.
Personally... I want to live a liddle before I level up, please.
I left Noordhoek knowing exactly how challenging this journey might be without transport or financial back up. I made the decision to hit the road after a year of recovering and considering my options carefully.
I left Noordhoek because, eventually, I realised I couldn't go back to the life I once had in Cape Town anyway. Even if I did want to.
Sometimes we've just seen and experienced too much to "go back".
I wasn't really alive or living for many, many years in that town anyway, you know. I have to live like this now...
to really feel alive. I always did.
I don't know how else to explain it to you, other than to show you something written by a someone who'd simply nod in agreement.
And who has said it far better. again
The Artist and his ShadowBy: Erik Rittenberry
He is unfit for this life, this
unduly managed era devoid
of poesy and freedom, a time
of useless haste in honor of
the illusion of progress,
a life starving of life, a life
dripping with chains as dull-witted
bureaucrats and political
imbeciles run amok.
Thereās something dark and peculiar in him
that forbids his full participation in
the blatant absurdity of
todayās world.
Even as a child he felt something
fierce was there in him ā an unrest, an
unrealized freedom, something
shadowy but knowing,
a deep-seated primordial power
groping endlessly in the
apocalyptical night.
Itās still there, stirring in the
inmost abyss, this esoteric ghost,
this daemon, dwelling
in the shadows of the soul,
convulsing and throbbing like a
diabolical gypsy in the throes
of ecstasy.
He tries, at times, to wash it away
with morality and decency, bowing
down to the sanctified normalcy
of his fellow humans. But still,
itās there, raging, taunting him,
hounding him, forcing him
out of the prison of SELF
and into the creative realm,
the destructive realm,
into the elemental kingdom
of existence.
It calls forth the spirit
into a higher dominion of being
and yearns for expression, this
enigmatic drive,
even at the cost of reputation
and alliance
and it tempts the body, the vehicle
of the soul, to thrive with
Dionysian defiance,
and it wants to flip over the table
of conventionalities and go to war
with all customary forms and
cultural norms.
Itās this archaic force that burns from
the most profound depths
of his being, an insatiable rapture
that coalesces the dark of the unconscious
with the universal light, arousing
the sheer realization of his
utter nothingness ā the
true awakening.
He could hardly put on a mask and
endure the typical occupation, or
partake in the social games
of the ordinary, blindly acting
out his role on the stage of culture,
following the fashions of the
day, living uncritically as a
conditioned child.
Undefinable,
with no creed or title and a
fierce contempt for conceptual
reality, heās in spiritual exile
from the place and time
he was born into. Terribly
alone among his contemporaries,
misunderstood
by an arid society, an
aimless wanderer, he is, laughed at
by the well-adjusted, their minds
chloroformed with low-grade
entertainment, their meanings
and desires built into them
from the outside.
The more emaciated they are inwardly,
the showier they become outwardly.
But he cares nothing of status
and spectacle or the unimaginative
interests of the bourgeois, so he
ventures onward
towards
an austere existence,
choosing the possibility of
poverty over pointless labor,
autonomy over dependency,
art over it all ā
an unconditional renunciation
of a secure existence in
search of the sublime.
Heās in flight from the endless trivialities
that make up the modern world, choosing
instead to live perilously close to
the primal forces within.
His fate, he knows. He is doomed
to suffer alone.
When uninspired, the firm grip of melancholy
takes hold and he becomes the unhappiest
of mortals, endlessly sloshing around in
a cesspool of despair, nourishing
his apathy with whiskey and
mascara-smeared love.
But when enthused, heās lit up,
galvanized, electrified, and his
heart is filled to the brim
with poetic rapture and the
forces at work within him
become relentless. He is
transformed into a mere
instrument of supremely
powerful forces,
consecrating and sacrificing
every fiber of his BEING to the
supreme task of
CREATION ā
quenching the thirst
of a bone-dry
generation.
āO melodies above me in the infinite,
To you, to you, I rise.ā
Orignal source
Now on we go, please. Send supplies - need money for cocaine and dancing girls a car to travel further afield; a haircut and other personal panel beating that shall not be named. Or not. I'm gonna do it anyway, right? š
Yep. On we go!
Fearlessly whenever possible.
And if not...
then on we go anyway...
until we aren't afraid anymore. ā¤ļø š£ barefoot is best
@wwwiebe - Website almost done. Really almost. Almost...
Featured image mine: "Me and my shadow" - Pringle Bay, 2022 šImages edited with GIMP. Video made with YouCut.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/hxeqncjv
Perhaps I'm becoming sentimental but, going over the chat messages saved from my training by an incredible human (and dear friend) here on Hive in June of 2022...
I actually got a liddle bit teary. Don't tell. Disgruntled punk face back on.
I've been necessarily laying low to reboot for a bit but, on this most auspicious day, I had to make the effort to participate.
Of course.
Hive has given me so very much, you see.
I doubt most of you'll ever fully understand exactly what this blockchain gave, and returned, to me and I don't wanna get all soppy about it anyway. But I discovered Hive at a time when I'd, pretty much, given up hope on humanity in full.
And then... I stumbled upon...
"something completely different!" *stolen from some well above average British comedians
The footage I saved from a conversation that went on for around three weeks or more with @julianhorack, who not only delegated me a generous amount of HP to get going around here but who patiently coached me through a steep learning curve...
goes on for over an hour and a half. Or more.
I'm still waiting for him to send me bits of it that I lost in a phone and Telegram account reshuffle. Yes. I suck at admin everywhere.
Not only did Julian delegate and support my entry onto this incredible blockchain...
he did the same for the few adventurous souls who I shared it with as well. And who wanted to give it a go.
Julian does this quietly in the background, simply because he wants to see this community grow and flourish. F*ck Yeah! But, I suspect, also because he's led a very spiritual life and, also, has less attachment to the material world than most people.
But that, as I like to say, is another story š
I thought longer and harder than I usually do about what I might post to contribute to this special initiative to celebrate what has been, and is being, built here.
I finally settled on this... some snippets of my entry and learning curve on Hive and why I chose to stick around forever.
Happy three years, Hive!
To many, many more fun, inspiring, successful and even bigger and better years as we grow together.
Vive la rĆ©volution! ā¤ļø
January 2001
A solo, seven hour drive up coast and I'm not even remotely tired.
As the afternoon begins to mellow into evening, I finish setting up the stall. I pack the now empty clothing bags, rolled up neatly, into one of the heavy plastic stock boxes used to transport the more expensive, imported, clothing.
I push these six, large boxes into a straight, horizontal line against the back of the stall. Uniform, they're transformed into both seating and a desk for me to work from during the long night ahead.
I hang the old-school-disco spot-lights from the metal canopy structure with cable ties, pointing them into corners and at the ground leading to the entrance of the stall. The path of coloured light gives the stall a feeling of carnival. The bright multitude of colours will, no doubt, attract festive party-goers to come and have some fun after dark.
The florescent lights go up last.
I tie these, one each, to two straight poles that stretch the tarpaulin roof tightly above me. As soon as I switch the ultra-violet lights on, the psychedelic wall-hangings used as backing for the stall explode into hypnotic neon.
Suddenly the two by four meter space seems to stretch and warp into the distance. The fluorescent lighting distorts the depth of all of it and perspective is completely altered. Altered states.
This is why we're all here.
I'm at a small underground, psychedelic trance party some 650km out of Cape Town, setting up my outdoor stall to sell my gear.
I've driven here alone with a truck full of stock and a heavy iron canopy tied by my own hands to roof-racks on top of the vehicle. I don't know anybody here and I'll be working alone straight through the night as well. I've randomly ended up in a different lifestyle by complete accident again...
and I'm loving every minute of it.
I'm also out here, living this lifestyle, even though I'm dead sober these days.
"I'm probably the only sober person at this event." I think, as I look over the field of moving people, some beginning to sway as the bass-line starts to rise in harmony with the disappearing sunset.
I'm not here for the drugs anyway. I'm here for the music. I'm here for the open road and travel. I'm here for the new places, new people and new adventures.
I'm here for the freedom of it all.
I'm a 29 year old flea market trader with a Bachelor's Degree, but I wouldn't trade this for anything.
I've already inherently understood that I won't be happy in some corporate corner somewhere. I know there's something off with the life I'm expected to lead. I know it isn't who or what I am. I know it's not even real somehow. I know it's not who I want to be. And I know I don't really want any part of it.
What I don't know yet...
is that my aversion to all of this isn't f*ckin' crazy after all.
They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
At around 11pm a tall, slender man walks into my stall. I rise to greet him and we begin to talk. He's a student of Krishna and is at the festival to sell food. He is also, obviously, sober. And he is also, obviously, "seeking".
We strike it off immediately and he sits eventually, so we can continue our conversation more comfortably. People come and go in between, as I get up to talk to them and make an occasional sale. The man comes and goes as this happens as well, to check in at the stall he's working with.
I suddenly realise that I can see his features clearly because the sun has risen while we've talked straight through the night. This almost seven hour first conversation...
will cement a friendship that'll span over twenty years.
Jaso, who I'll come to know later as Julian, and I...
will enter and leave each other's orbit again and again as the years pass.
Always at the most challenging times for me personally. At strange times. At in-between times.
In between these almost new beginnings, Jaso will suddenly reach out and we'll reconnect again. And I will always ask a million questions, listen carefully and learn something important from him.
And I will feel at peace for while as he listens to and hears me without judgement. Or surprise. But who could imagine as we sat quietly, talking of books and philosophy; gods and life beneath the stars all those years ago ...
that there would come a time, some twenty odd years later, when I'd reach out to this monk in a surprise turn of events...
and he'd teach me about blockchain tech as well.
An excerpt from The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee* Featured images created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank and edited with GIMP.
Please consider adding the developer as a beneficiary for his ongoing work if you use an Arty Bot artwork. At this point it's unnecessary to use repetitive stock images. The only limit is your imagination.
Let's support members of our community first.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/oxjffbxz
Please find a shortened version of Chapter 2 below, with this full version of the random audio recorded in April 2022, that may share this content in (what I hope is) a more entertaining and understandable way.
Feedback for chapter 2, the history of the manual used to diagnose mental health conditions (the DSM), was that it was too academic for people to read and understand.
I guess thatās what happens when you study something for a while. It becomes overly familiar. Iām sorry it may have put some people off because itās important to understand this information if people want to fully recover and get well.
I also know this is why professions use things like jargon in the first place.
Please donāt let it deter you from finding out more about how the mental health and addiction industry (which is what it is these days and a very profitable industry at that) developed.
But, to keep it simple, please find a brief synopsis of how the two manuals used to ādiagnoseā people with āmental disordersā, by the vast majority of professionals in all areas of mental health, therapy and/or addiction globally, evolved below.
I've spent the last week finishing this off for you before I focus on my health and creating a life worth sticking around for in full.
As you can hear, this content gets me very riled up. Mostly because I've lost some good people along the way because of misinformation, bad practice and dishonesty.
I can't, however, afford to get riled up anymore right now. For health reasons.
I've also fought this particular "good fight" for a long, long time.
And I am tired.
Moving forward I'll be focusing on sharing my writing and personal adventures; tools and skills to stay (relatively) sane in an insane world; some art and my ever so opinionated opinions (of course). And having some fun for a change.
I do hope this helps some people...
Keep on keeping on.
Recovery is possible ā¤ļø
A few revisions of some "disorders"Jung had real success with the āpsychodynamicā approach in 1904. (see story in section of Chapter 2: Part 2: Titled - āAn Interesting Storyā) : related to recovery for "sexual masochism", which is now listed as a "disorder" in the DSM and medicated accordingly. (say goodbye to fantasy dress up date nights forever or you might be medicated, you naughty kids š)
Hysteria - once considered to be a problem associated with only women. The word hysteria originates from the Greek word for uterus - Hysteria was finally removed from the DSM as a disorder in 1980 (but the legacy lives on, doesn't it sisters? š).
Autism was originally described as a form of childhood schizophrenia and the result of cold parenting (dissociated war veterans would be "cold"), then as a set of related developmental disordersā¦ [38]
The terminology used to describe the symptoms of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, has gone through many changes over history,including "minimal brain damage" (are you kidding me? š), "minimal brain dysfunction", "learning/behavioral disabilities"... [40]
Homosexuality was removed from the DSM as a personality disorder in 1973; kept in as "ego-dystonic homosexuality" and a variety of other classifications, over the revisions, until it was removed as "gender identity disorder" in 2013ā¦ replaced with "gender dysphoria". (yes - it is still listed in the Diagnostic statistical manual of mental disorders in 2022 š)
Perfect: Chapter 2 - Words are importantWords are important.
I now know thereās no such thing as a āmental disorderā because Iāve taken the time to research the history of the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
So, to be clear, I now know thereās no such thing as a mental disorder in the way in which we currently think of these.
As in the way the DSM suggests mental health conditions and addictive behaviours to be ādisordersā. Or the medical profession suggests them to be mental āillnessesā.
There are no physical markers or symptoms for these conditions, as there are for a proper illness such as a common cold.
The hypotheses and philosophies of psychology are not hard science or medicine.
Theyāre the opinion of a relatively small demographic of a particular culture. And opinion is regularly skewed by personal perspective, personal bias, personal motivation, politics and, sometimes, financial gain.
At this stage of our understanding, when thereās (once again) a strong and more rational move towards a holistic perspective on mental health, this ongoing creation of disorders is badly informed, ethically questionable and outright irresponsible.
But I only understood more about how a disorder is created when I researched the history of the DSM and how it developed into what is now commonly referred to as the āBible of psychiatry and psychologyā.
The History of the DSM (synopsis)āThe Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses is the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Associationās professional reference book on mental health and brain-related conditions. Also known as the DSM-5, this is the main guide for mental health providers in the U.S. The latest version, the DSM-5-TR, was published in 2022.ā [7]
The rest of the world uses the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) to classify mental health conditions. The U.S.A also uses the ICD to add codes (related to a ādiagnosisā or ādisorderā) for invoicing so that clients can claim from medical insurances.
The U.S.A played a major role in the development of the ICD and the first edition of the ICD was heavily influenced by a classification system developed by the United States army for categorizing mental health conditions of war veterans after WW2.
War veterans who would have returned home from the war with trauma in the form of PTSD / PTSR (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder / Reaction) and C-PTSD / PTSR (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder / Reaction).
Psychologists and psychiatrists at the time were aware of why war veterans might be struggling to adjust after the war and chose to take a āpsychodynamicā approach when treating people with mental health struggles.
āPsychodynamicsā looks at how a person's psychology (perception and thinking) impacts their behaviour, feelings and emotions, in relation to external factors and early experience.
Lithium was first used in treatment for psychiatric conditions in the 1940s.
Pharmaceuticals as a first line of treatment was heavily encouraged, via advertising and articles, in the American Psychiatric Associationās news publication from the 1950s onwards.
The field of psychology and psychiatry in general was not considered scientific or real medicine (1950s to 1980s) and, thus, did not warrant funds being distributed to academic psychiatrists at universities for research grants. There was a move towards a more medical perspective (biological and genetic) by academic psychiatrists, in order to be taken more seriously and to be able to acquire research grants.
A task force of nine people was responsible for the third revision of the DSM (1980s), headed by Robert L. Spitzer. Spitzer chose people from an academic/research background (some of whom he had personally collaborated with), with a strongly ābiologicalā (as opposed to āpsychodynamicā) perspective on the reasons people suffer from mental health conditions as fellow task force members. The majority of whom were American caucasian and male.
The word āreactionsā was removed from the manual (1980s third revision of the DSM) and the word ādisorderā replaced it in full under Spiterzerās guidance. (i.e. depressive āreactionā is replaced by depressive ādisorderā etc. for all categories of behaviours in the DSM-III)
Only one member of the task force is said to have objected to this change. Dr Pinsker, who came from a psychoanalytic approach.
To which Spitzer replied that reimbursement from medical insurance would be difficult if the classifications were based on sets of symptoms and were not specific (medical conditions).
What behaviours should be considered āDisorderedā are decided upon by these small task forces during revisions of the DSM (every 10 years). āDisordersā are voted into (or out of) existence by task force members. Human beings with personal interests, personal connections and, often, personal motivation.
In subsequent editions of the DSM problems with the book became more evident, and more public, due to obvious connections between members of the task forces and the pharmaceutical industry. The pharmaceutical industry is a multi billion dollar industry.
Many psychiatrists and psychologists have been outspoken with regards to the book and the problems surrounding it.
Robert L. Spitzer himself stated some years later, in an interview in 2007, that:
the DSM, by operationalizing the definitions of mental disorders while paying little attention to the context in which the symptoms occur [my boldface], may have medicalized the normal human experiences of a significant number of people.[8]
All of this is widely known fact and available from reliable resources that share the history and development of the DSM and the ICD. Some of which are on the American Psychiatric Associationās own website.
Full collection of Perfect: An alternative perspective on mental health and addiction can be found here
Whoop whoop!
My work here is done.
Trust yourselves.
You've got this. š
I am not a medical doctor and do not claim any information in this document or content to be a cure. This is my own understanding of how my "addiction" and "mental illness" worked, what both of these ultimately were ... and the approach I personally used to find a full and lasting recovery.
I do not endorse the information shared in K.I.S.S - Keep it Simple Sweetheart to be used in place of professional medical advice, support groups or specific therapies.
Please do not come off any prescribed medication without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Please do not step away from any programs of treatment or support groups without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Featured image montage created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank.
Edited with GIMP
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/lxayhrwa
A snippet of a voice-note, randomly recorded during a walk in April 2022, on the content I've been trying to share in:
Perfect: An alternative perspective on mental health and addiction
A spontaneous voice-note ended up being, pretty much, the whole book!
The full version will be released on ThreeSpeak when the time is right. Until then, you can read the final chapter of Perfect, "But I Don't Have Trauma" if you're curious to know more about how this works.
The chapter on trauma is too long for a description here on ThreeSpeak, so if you're interested in reading more about how trauma "works" and why you (or your kids) may have it even if you aren't aware of it yet...
please head over to PeakD or Ecency to read the full post.
Chapter 3 is the final part of the book and this project is now complete.
You'll find a link on the full post to download a free pdf of the book (with a shortened version of chapter 2), which you're welcome to distribute and share.
Or you can read the full version here on Hive, if you prefer.
I'm busy ticking boxes and streamlining so that I can focus on my health and some necessary life admin now. I'll answer questions in the comments but please be patient as I'll be offline in patches to do the above. It's time!
I will always respond, though.
Eight or nine years of work on this particular project.
I've lost count...
I can't quite believe it's finally done! š
I hope it helps some people.
Keep on keeping on.
Recovery is possible ā¤ļø
I do not endorse the information shared in K.I.S.S - Keep it Simple Sweetheart Perfect to be used in place of professional medical advice, support groups or specific therapies.
Please do not come off any prescribed medication without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Please do not step away from any programs of treatment or support groups without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Featured image montage created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank.
Edited with GIMP
Video made with Blender.org
Please consider adding the developer as a beneficiary for his ongoing work if you use an Arty Bot artwork. At this point it's unnecessary to use repetitive stock images. The only limit is your imagination.
Let's support members of our community first.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/kihjbawb
The door
I've kinda fallen in love with you already
you know
I mean
I know you're there and I'm here
and she's there and I'm not
and I don't even know you anyway
so this probably isn't any kind of love
worth making official with ceremony
or acknowledgement by society
or cementing in property
Proper-ly
but it's the kind of love worth writing about
I think
as I walk along the empty street
towards home
because it doesn't come with any of those conditions
and so it's going to never end
even though it canāt be true
for them
so itāll also probably never really begin
or get started up
but I kinda love you already
anyway
because you're me
I know
and itās okay
you're only me
I'm talking to
until I get to know you -
if I do.
See?
but I'm not allowed to
it might be considered a sin
or something
or just plain old bad
if a person wasn't that way
inclined
I ask you
how can any kind of love be bad?
but I also know
I don't need to ask you this
I walk past the house thatās not a home as I think
too lost in thought
and writing this
all in my head
to see
even though it's usually
when I see most clearly
sometimes you need to stop seeing
so your vision can clear
I walk so far past the gate
that I'm surprised when I see the door
It brings me to a sudden stop
and these thoughts stop as suddenly
have I been here before?
I squint
hoping what Iām seeing is true and right
without my store bought lenses on
it is her
Perhaps I do have some icons left
to remember
after all
I stand there staring for a moment
while I take her in
then I begin to move instinctively again
as my curiosity overcomes
my shame
of the possibility of being impolite
it isn't only her
stuck in the middle
it's her everywhere and all over
I wonder who lives in this house
and I know Iām going to meet them
one day
the door is closed tight
and the house feels
abandoned
perhaps it's a part-time place I think
as I walk on still confused
unaware I'm lost again
but as I look back
I see a window
left open
that reveals she is Home
I know she is a woman
I know she's an artist
I know she's weary of people
I know she prefers her solitude
because she's feels differently
But I also know that's what makes her an artist
and I know she's happy
now
alone in that house
that is her Home
content
to keep the front door locked
up tight enough
for it to say clearly
that it's not worth knocking
anymore
she's left this message on her door
to let people know
who
and what
she is before
they do
she's accepted
she doesn't see things quite the same way
or feel them like that anyway
I hope they hear her
through the busy noise of the pretending
Frieda must have been some kind of something, huh?
Being so much
of who she was
at a time like that in the world
I would knock on her door as well
were I courageous enough
to meet her
where she chose
to Live
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/ugdeeqjk
I'm kinda using the Wednesday Walk initiative, by @tattoodjay, to track our travels around the Western Cape in search of a forever-home-for-the-next-while.
So, this Wednesday Walk, the journey takes us from a No Longer a Wednesday Walk in Noordhoek, Cape Town...
to the first place we land in after we leave Cape Town...
Somerset West.
It's only just over thirty minutes from Cape Town, but the ride seems to take longer as the driver, Fahida, and I manage to share our almost entire histories with each other on the way.
We pull into Somerset West after what feels like a lifetime of sharing and she waits while I quickly unpack my few remaining belongings that are still far more than the guest house owners were expecting for a long term stay.
I see one of the owner's eyes widen in alarm as I cheerfully explain that I'm sticking stuff into storage the following week. It does kinda look like I'm moving in for good and he's clearly a bit rattled with the unusual situation, but kindly offers to let me leave it in the garage so we don't have to lug it upstairs.
He's spritely and fit for his age. He's also a little bit flirty. He enthusiastically grabs a few things and begins to help me carry them up to the flatlet, despite my insistence that I've got it and my outspoken concern for his back.
He's sweating and panting a bit by the time we're done.
But so am I, to be fair.
Nathan has yet to arrive and I unpack for him as well. I stick the Woo-man out, adding something familiar to the place, to make it feel a bit more like home for him.
I want Nathan to enjoy this experience as much as I already am.
The Woo-man. A gift when my son was born, from two creative friends who designed a range of original, handmade toys called "Woo-men".
I forget this one's name but he's along for the travels.
It's interesting what you choose to keep, when you can only take so much with you, huh?The flatlet has a decent oven and I've already promised the owners some home baked cookies after seeing it.
I'm on a mission.
I can cook pretty well and love to do it, but I know little about baking.
I'm determined to learn it. And by learn it, I mean being able to whip up a kick-ass best you've ever tasted batch of cookies from memory. And a decent Baguette and Ciabatta as well.
For starters...
The opportunity to practice has presented itself at last!
We will stay with this lovely elderly couple for two weeks and one batch of pretty decent, but nowhere near spot on, chocolate chip cookies will be distributed between the four of us.
Unequally, because of a minor misunderstanding.
Nathan will remove four cookies from the container I set aside, to let them cool a bit, and I will eat more than half of them accidentally.
Even though Master Oogway would say "There are no accidents." *burp
Strangely enough...
I'll only take two photographs from the two weeks spent at that long term air BnB, even though we had the most beautiful stay there.
Here's one of them.And, interestingly enough, it's at that table there, that I find my real writing voice again.
Because away from Cape Town, I begin to remember more of who I was before all of this crazy sh!t happened.
And it becomes quickly apparent that moving to a totally unfamiliar environment, with no reminders of my recent history or threat of bumping into them, is the best thing I could have done to help me let go of the past.
Nathan and I walk around the neighborhood plenty.
Mostly to the local garage shop because I'm enamoured at how quick and easy it is to get to it, after having to walk miles for anything in Noordhoek and always having to plan ahead.
This is so simple!
Heck. We walk there just to buy one small thing some days.
It also feels safe.
I can't quite explain how it feels to not feel safe in your own home.
A home is supposed to be a sanctuary but in Cape Town, after the chaotic few years, I began to jump every time the doorbell rang.
Even three years on, back in Noordhoek at the new place I found, which was almost thirty odd minutes away from my little cottage where the trouble began, I'd still get uneasy if I heard a car pull up outside.
Or saw a police car drive by the house.
Four years of this.
Four years of never feeling safe.
But as soon as I arrive in Somerset West...
I begin to relax a bit more again.
It is a safe neighbourhood though and we take the time to walk to the local common as well.
I sit with my feet in the running stream. We pet random dogs being walked by their owners. And we have our Harry Potter duels with wands. Yes. More than one.
Nathan always wins.
It's not because I let him win. It's because he knows more spells than I do. I've been remiss in my studies while he has been learning enthusiastically but sneakily.
Just opposite the garage shop is a skateboard park.
And just down the road between the skateboard park and the flatlet, is a Scouts' Hall. I stop to find out days and times and actually consider staying in the area because it's family orientated and peaceful.
But I no longer have much of a family.
On the corner just after the Scouts' premises is a dance hall with a big sign outside stating it's for hire. This would be perfect for... well... "Perfect". The donation based support groups and dance classes I wanted to set up, to teach teenagers how to regulate emotionally on their own.
To skill them up in a now too stressful world. To take what I've learned and use it for what it was intended for, when I began this journey so many years ago.
I never do find out the costs per hour though, even though I walk past it when the doors are open and someone is obviously there.
Apparently I'm either still not ready to commit; still not healed enough to take on such responsibility for others again; or Somerset West is not my true heart's calling.
Regardless, it's a fun and easy two weeks in the suburb and it shows in my writing.
Perhaps when we feel safe, and aren't treading water to survive so much, the mind has more space and focus to be creative.
I've read somewhere that it's good to allow children to become bored. It's been scientifically proven, apparently, that when this happens... the mind kicks into creative gear and the magic begins to happen.
I feel as though this is what happened for me during my stay in this benign and slow suburb. I wonder to myself, more than once, if this is worth staying for as well. Would it make this creating thing easier possibly?
But I also know that this is the exact life I was desperately trying to change in the first place. I still can't see the horizon and I feel as though I'm in limbo here. Cocooned and waiting...
Yes it is quieter, safer and more peaceful than Cape Town. But I've been down this road before...
and I know where it ends.
I stay with a friend in the suburb, for two more weeks, after Nathan leaves to spend time at his other home...
and then pack once again for the next part of the journey.
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee* Featured image / video thumbnail created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank.
Edited using GIMP. Oogway gif available on Tenor and the Oogway image in the video available on wallpaperaccess.com. All other images and footage my own.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/abchdzka
This is actually an extremely late entry for Hive Open Mic 135, 136 and 137 all in one go.
It was a great few weeks of prompt journey that began with "Fight Oppression", moved on to "Let's Rock" and ended with "Healing" as themes and I was dead set on participating.
Thing is... I was on the go and both abode and tech wasn't in the flow.
I rambled around, outdoors for two days, trying to learn and record the first song. The wind was blowing, the sound was awful and folks also kept walking on by. I probably should have been born in Canada because I feel obliged to say hello to everyone so interruptions were many, mistakes were many (still learning the chords) and there was no way I could record it in the room I'd rented.
In short... there was no way I could make the deadline.
For any of the themes as it turned out! š¬
Nevertheless I persevered because, if there's one thing I've learned about Hive, folks around here are really chilled and forgiving about when and how. As long as you do.
I couldn't practice or record in the rental in Pringle Bay, because the place was made from Nutek and the sound carried big time. I could hear the thumping of footsteps upstairs frequently and I didn't want to bother anyone else in the place with my still being learned (after twenty odd years and sill can't actually play it properly) guitar.
Sound carries upwards apparently.
I eventually found a half built house down the road and meandered down at the end of a work day to record in an unfinished bathroom. We make a plan, right?
You'll see the first two songs move from late afternoon light into sunset as the daylight waned. I could hear the birds calling and even saw a few of them fly overhead as the roof still wasn't on the place. A sunset sky. A mistake or two as well, but it was getting cold and I just rolled with it.
Then sh!t happened and I had to leave the planned summer holiday with my son, that was definitely doing my health a ton of good, and relocate back to Somerset West for the next while or as soon as I can move on.
Nice suburb, but super suburban it is and I've now accepted that I'm wild at heart and need the open spaces to feel alive and to really thrive.
I've lost weight again and woke up coughing again this morning. The place we landed in on two days notice isn't ideal for us and the stress messes me up pretty quickly now. I'm trying to get further out of the city again as soon as possible...
Still... the internet here is affording me time to post some of the content I created in Pringle Bay over the last weeks and catch up a bit with belated prompts and old favourite initiatives here on Hive. Like Three Tune Tuesday, which is why I'm putting this up today.
Some incorrect lyrics. Some missed chords. But we focus on connection and not perfection, right?
The original Tunes
Fight Oppression
Let's Rock
Healing
Bonus Tune for my children (skip the beer and take the tea, please) š
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee* Featured image montage made with Photo by Kien Do on Unsplash
and Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash
using original artwork by Daya Heller
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/cuwcgrme
An edit of a video made a couple of years ago. Now with additional content on how my "anxiety and depression" worked and links in this post to some very helpful information and guidance that may help others find a more lasting solution for their challenges.
I'm busy trying to put a Conscious Dance Tutorial together to share with the Hive community for personal practice and (more importantly) for some fun. ā¤ļø
Emotional Regulation via the Nervous systemPolyvagal Theory in Action ā The Practice of Body Regulation With Dr Stephen Porges
The Science of Self-Regulation ā Breaking Down Polyvagal Theory
Increase Your Cool By Managing Your Ventral Vagal System
Richard Grannon on C-PTSDRichard Grannon Fortress Mental Health Protection
Trauma and its resultsTrauma, Addiction, Mind / Body Expert - Gabor MatƩ
Developmental and Relational TraumaAnnie Wright
Are you the identified patient in your family?
The Power of Being āThe Black Sheepā In Your Family.
Read "Perfect" (UR already Perfect) here...I do not endorse the information shared in K.I.S.S - Keep it Simple Sweetheart Perfect to be used in place of professional medical advice, support groups or specific therapies.
Please do not come off any prescribed medication without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Please do not step away from any programs of treatment or support groups without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Featured image / video thumbnail created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank.
Video edited using Blender.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/weoipake
Here's the video that was supposed to be added to the last post I was able to make for y'all, with an update of my Now.
I couldn't upload the video for the post and gave up after trying for half a day.
It was supposed to be the multi-media bit of the last excerpt of "The Book That May Never Be Written". (The Accidental Theory)
As they say... better late than never. š
I've recently learned, by the way, that if somebody doesn't answer a question (asked twice and in writing) about whether high speed bandwidth for online sessions with clients, web work and blogging is available at their accommodation...
that the answer is "no".
But that, as I like to say, is another story.
(And it's so bizarre that it's funny, so I'll share it with you soon)
I'd test it again, but it'd take too long.
For now... let's catch up a bit after me being dead in the digital water for the last while...
I'll be coming to find you all this week to say hello. You've been duly warned...
I haven't really been able to post or engage around here much over the last bit which has been frustrating at times. But it's also been manageable because I've been in a small village, at the edge of the ocean, and I fell in love with the landscape out there in full.
So while work has been difficult and finances aren't exactly abundant, I've spent a great deal of time roaming around outdoors, looking up and around, wide-eyed, and saying, "Wow!" out loud to myself a lot.
Pringle Bay, South Africa, November 2022I'll share more on my time here when I've circled back and filled in the gaps, since I left Noordhoek a couple of months ago.
For now there's a cool thing I wanted to share with you.
28th November 2022We just had our fridge raided by a baboon.
Yes. This just happened.
It happens quite a bit around here and there's an ongoing battle on the social media pages (and in the village itself) between those who want to live amicably with the baboons in the neighborhood as this is their territory as well...
and some concerned parents who are worried about the animals being aggressive and kids possibly being hurt.
Both valid concerns.
To be fair, some of the stories I've heard around here have been quite alarming. Many of a big rogue baboon (and he's pretty large, to be clear) coming into people's homes and "charging" at them, or of people being "mugged" of their shopping in the village.
In accordance, I've been sticking my shopping bag under a shawl as I walk home with groceries and I keep a look out for possible offenders while I walk as well. They're pretty bold, by the way. One snatched a muffin off my son's plate a while back. But...
they're also pretty peaceful when they take your stuff in my now experience.
It is, for a mostly city gal, kind of magical having them in such close proximity even if they do leave a bit of a mess.
In all honesty, we humans cause far more of a mess in my now more experience as well.
I've been half expecting a home visit and have, mostly, kept my door closed because of this.
Thing is.... it's hot in summer in the Western Cape and the room I rented is incredibly small. Far smaller than the clever photos I was sent depicted.
No problemo... I'm into minimalism and tiny living is cool. I've always been interested to try it out. The landscape around here has made up for this as well. I've simply spent more time outdoors.
But the wind does pump here and then... well...
hot, stuffy, sweaty... and not so comfortable.
Still... I don't sweat the small stuff even if I'm sweatin' these days.
I took a calculated risk and left only the top half of the door open this morning.
The builders building the house on the property directly outside my front door (which I wasn't told about either, by the way) can see me sitting on my single bed in the corner trying to work.
But I'm kinda used to this after two weeks. When they aren't drilling, angle grinding bricks and yelling at each other it can even seem almost peaceful at times.
No. That's not my laundry. The accommodation I rented for my son and I, for the summer holidays, runs an illegal laundromat from their garage. I only discovered all of this on the day I arrived.
Are you laughing yet?
You haven't heard even a tenth of how weird things got from there...
One builder did wave at me the other day when I went outside for some fresh air
(* lying... I smoked a cigarette...don't tell).
I was a bit miffed about it because privacy and all that good stuff. Today, however, when the baboon came to scrounge food, one gallant builder hopped over the fence to try and assist us.
Sweet š
All was immediately forgiven.
I guess when you watch each other over a fence for two and a bit weeks, you become kinda familiar.
I think I'll buy the whole crew some biscuits after the way they responded today, in fact.
(I never had a chance to do this because... well... that's a part of that other story.)
The police officers, who were in their vehicle at the front of the accommodation helping the other once was tenant with something unrelated but similar enough for us to have raised a mutual eyebrow as we passed each other...
said there was nothing they could do about the baboon when I accidentally ran into them.
Wait...
that's not totally correct.
The male police officer didn't bother responding, but the female cop said she would call the animal something or other.
At that exact moment the baboon ran past all of us, clutching a half loaf of "Best of Both" (but actually mostly white) bread that I don't really like my son to eat anyway. I was happy he made that particular choice.
Score. He would take the rap for brown bread only in full. š
Prior to him making off (or "her" as my son so consciously pointed out, but let's say "him" for the sake of brevity) with only one half of a loaf of bread and leaving half a dozen broken eggs and a torn carton of milk on the floor (who knew baboons aren't into baking?), the scene played out like this...
A Scene at the Seaside
FADE IN
INT. TINY ROOM AT THE BACK OF A HOUSE IN PRINGLE BAY - LATE MORNING
Sarah, a single mother, sits against the wall on a single bed, typing on a laptop. Jack, her twelve year old son, sits on a beanbag, playing a video game while she tries to work.
The top half of a front door at the foot of the single bed is open.
There is the noise of building and a group of men are visible on the second floor of an unfinished house.
Okay not exactly like this... the bottom half of the door was closed. But it was all too quick to get the shot and things got even more crazy from there.
Yes. I am lugging around a flat screen television for the young person.
A mother's love knows no bounds...
JACK:
It's a baboon!
Sarah looks towards Jack a bit confused.
Jack points at the half open door.
JACK:
A baboon!
Sarah looks at the door and sees a medium sized baboon sitting balanced, on the lower half of the door. The baboon and Sarah's eyes meet.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before the baboon decides Sarah isn't a threat, jumps onto the floor, walks three steps to the bathroom door and sits down.
The baboon looks around kind of disinterestedly. He leans back and casually flips open the small lid of the bin, realises it's not the good stuff and looks around the place slowly, figuring out his next move.
SARAH to Jack:
Stay calm. He's just looking for food. Don't move suddenly. Just stay calm.
The baboon looks back at Sarah, half over his shoulder, and his eyes lock with Sarah's again. Sarah's sh!tting herself but she won't let on to Jack. She speaks gently to the baboon while they stare into each other's eyes, but it isn't at all romantic.
SARAH to the baboon:
Hello! (dialogue to follow because Sarah's mind goes numb at this point)... "superc alafrage slistcies hskk." she says to the baboon in a calm, soothing voice.
The baboon nonchalantly walks one step over to the tiny bar fridge, opens the door and picks up the carton of six eggs. He opens it, takes an egg out, sniffs it and drops it on the floor. Picks it up. Sniffs it, gives it a lick and drops it again. And so it goes with the remainder of the eggs, one by one, as he makes sure they're all the same thing and not to his personal taste.
While he takes his time doing this, Sarah tells her son to get up slowly and to move calmly towards the door.
The baboon is holding a carton of milk by the time Sarah and Jack have both left the building.
The baboon print on the bottom of the door. Elementary, my dear Watson. Busted.It was scary and incredible both.
The baboon was actually super calm and very peaceful. He wasn't at all scared of us though. The eye contact was intense but there was more a quality of observation from the baboon. Kind of like he was summing us up a bit. Just a part of our community and sharing our stuff.
Bit cheeky as well, I guess. His almost apathy, directness and boldness. But not at all aggressive. Probably because I chose not to threaten him and to walk away instead.
He wasn't even that messy.
Quite polite, is how I'd describe him.
As soon as he had what he'd come for, he left. A little bit of a mess with the eggs and milk all over the floor, but nothing smashed or destroyed. And I was a bit worried about abandoning what tech we have after all the stories I'd heard about how destructive they are, because I can't afford to replace stuff right now.
Nothing much at all...
It was quite beautiful to be so close to one, to see his intelligence and to interact with him.
Even if it was only to say no problem, take the food and to back away slowly. I'd prefer not to have to buy more groceries on my tight budget, with the recent traveling around, but it is what it is.
All in all it was a fair exchange, if I was to be raided by a baboon this week.
I even left the top half the door open again. Not to feed the baboon, to be clear. I can't afford to feed anyone else right now. But because, after the incident, I wasn't that afraid of one randomly raiding us anymore.
It seems to go with the territory in Pringle Bay right now and I guess you have to accept that living in such undeveloped and beautiful surrounds comes with visits from wild animals at times.
In all honesty... it's why I want to move further out of the city anyway.
My plan was to stick around.
Sadly... a person I had dealings with in the village was less respectful and decent than the baboon. We've had to find emergency accommodation in an area we had already visited a few months ago.
I know that's how life works though. Sometimes we need to circle back. Perhaps I missed something around here.
Who knows.
I most certainly didn't document the area we've now had to return to when I was last here. Now I can do this, step by step, and share the journey as it unfolded with Hive, as I'd originally planned to do.
Before some weeks went by.
Or a couple of months...
It seems that things happen pretty quickly while you're traveling.
Especially when you're doing it with hardly any budget and have to make sudden plans to deal with the unexpected. And there always seems to be the unexpected whether you're moving around or not in life, doesn't there?
With no savings left after the challenging past years, this can be pretty stressful at times. But in all honesty I'm still loving it! The sense of freedom is worth a few moments of uncertainty. To me anyway. But after years of Groundhog Day I suppose a change is as good as a holiday.
Still... I was really looking forward to this three week holiday with my boy at the beach... Services had been advertised for the coaching and CVs sent out. I even had a possible part time gig to see me through until I found my feet.
We roll with it though, right?
Life happens. We make a plan and we keeping on moving forward.
Or sideways until we can move forward again...
The biggest problem I'm having with being on the go, is keeping some kind of healthy routine with the meditation and physical training. Having said that...
living in a place like Pringle Bay, one hardly even needs a "healthy routine".
Walking to the local store is meditative. And walking to the beach to watch a sunset is healthy and active. Isn't it strange how, in cities, we have to specifically make time to be healthy when all we really need to do is get out of our cars and slow down?
Out in places like this, slowing down is easy.
In fact, when someone asked how it was out here I answered:
"It feels as though I can breathe again for the first time in years."
I'll keep on looking for a place like this for the happy forever home once we're done with circling back.
It was very nearly Pringle Bay, until things got very weird indeed.
I can't say I'm not disappointed to have had to leave the wide open space and quiet. But I must admit that I'm also quiet relieved to be away from the last bit of what I was a bit stuck in as well.
The temporary spot I found on short notice, with decent connectivity, should (hopefully, but who knows what happens next, right?) give me the opportunity to catch up, at last, with some reading of my fellow creatives around here as well.
@wrestlingdesires - I'm coming for you...(r collections). š
On we go.
Sometimes by circling back... ā¤ļø
To be continued...
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee* Featured image / video thumbnail created with Arty Bot, generously made available by @ausbitbank (Dude, I couldn't work out percentages from my dodgy admin so just added you as a double beneficiary to this one. I know you don't expect it. It's just a small token of appreciation for your work. š)
All remaining images are my own. Post production on all images done with GIMP
Video created with YouCut.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/qqmefbwx
Finally I get to participate in the Wednesday Walk initiative by @tattoodjay (no need to respond timeously Tattood Jay and I hope you and your family are okay... take it easy, please šø).
I hope this brings a smile to you for the Make me Smile challenge by @elizacheng as well.
I filmed this last Wednesday
[now some Wednesdays ago but adventure and travel! Filmed on 21 September 2022]
but I'm releasing it today
[Meant to be yesterday, but dodgy internet connectivity so now uploading off my phone @julianhorack I'm doin' it yikes!] because life and movement.
(At last!)
To catch up if you've just found me, I'm coming out the tail end of a very interesting life challenge.
I landed in Noordhoek quite accidentally after my little cottage was rented out in 2021, suddenly, due the extended situation and then COVID to boot. I had under two weeks to find a place to move to and nothing left in any accounts for any kind of deposit to secure anything.
Or many contacts left to reach out to.
I managed to find an entertainment area being rented out by a somebody and get there to view it. As it turned out... she understood my circumstances very well after being in a similar situation and having to rent out the entertainment area of her home to survive as well.
We hit it off immediately.
She agreed to a deal on the deposit, a reduced rental and I moved in just in time. What was only supposed to be a three month arrangement ended up becoming almost a year and, I think, we were both really grateful to have found each other.
In September 2022... after some months of recovering and gaining some strength back...
I was ready, at last, to move on to new horizons and towards finding a forever home.
Or, at least, a new beginning...
Adventure is out there! - Ellie, "Up" (2019)
The months in Noordhoek were a very healing time, in beautiful surrounds with some really beautiful humans (and animals) met along the way. I'm really glad I finally took the time to document a bit more of it to share with you.
Here are some stills of the same walk, shown in the video, at the key points that would make me pause, take a big breathe...
and marvel at the surrounds every time I walked this route...
Heading down the hill into what locals call "The Valley".
The locals call Noordhoek "The Valley" because it lies nestled beneath mountains on three sides, with a shoreline bordering on the Atlantic Ocean that is breathtaking.
A tree next to the house that was being built in the video. It demands to be climbed and, still, I never got around to doing that.
I named it The Whomping Willow because... well... look. š
A backward glance from off the beaten track.
The view coming out of the overgrowth of the sneaky side path...
A sudden view of the horizon, with majestic mountains, as you make your way off the side path in between the houses and reach the road.
And
above all
Don't forget to look up! Because...
I'm still in awe of the colour of the Africa sky in summer...
I hope you enjoyed this little slice of Noordhoek, Cape Town.
And now
onwards
š¾
Update I went for a check up and X-ray at a local government hospital before I left Noordhoek and, apparently, my lungs have improved against some kind of odds.
I'll share my recovery and why I think they've improved when things are more settled around here.
It doesn't seem possible "scientfically" and I find it hard to believe myself.
But hey...I'm just gonna keep on walking, meditating...
and dancing. (of course!)
Lord Mayak who gave me a whole story, and had me laughing out loud, every time I came or went
... but who was far too strong for me to take with on the walks, sadly.
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee*
All images and video my own
Video made with YouCut and photos edited with Gimp
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/nevkgouo
A video that I made on plant medicines made some time ago but never released. I found this as I was going through content archives for "Perfect".
It feels as though it's the right time to set this one free.
I hope it helps some people, with some more information, so that they can make good decisions for themselves and their loved ones.
With regards to the statement in the video that plant medicines don't have side effects.
I'm referring to the physical side effects when microdosing, which are hardly noticable / non-existent.
A "full flood" / or journey can cause nausea and vomiting. This is common for most people.
Psychedelic plant medicines can cause mental psychosis in some people.
Please feel free to ask questions. I'm always happy to connect and share my personal experience of recovery and (sometimes opinionated, because I do care) opinions.
Keep on keeping on.
And take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved just as you are.
Because...
you're already perfect. ā¤ļø
- There's no loadshedding (yet) in my area today and I'll (finally) get to be around for #pypt. See you there :)
I am not a medical doctor and do not claim any information in this document or content to be a cure. This is my own understanding of how my "addiction" and "mental illness" worked, what both of these ultimately were ... and the approach I personally used to find a full and lasting recovery.
I do not endorse the information shared in K.I.S.S - Keep it Simple Sweetheart to be used in place of professional medical advice, support groups or specific therapies.
Please do not come off any prescribed medication without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Please do not step away from any programs of treatment or support groups without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Featured image made with illustration from Wallpaperflare.com and edited with GIMP
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/nhmbrzqz
I'm still working on UR already Perfect (as it turns out), despite repeatedly threatening to abandon the project.
I do both of these things because it's frustrating to be ignored and I can't afford to do anything pro bono for financial reasons at the moment, but also exactly because the ongoing sharing and content doesn't get much engagement, on mainstream anything.
And I believe it's a very necessary conversation for us to be having at this point.
I have to interject here to say that Hive has been amazing with the support and encouragement of awkward conversations. This is why I've chosen to release my content and information here. As well as the decentralization and lack of censorship. Of course!
Especially for content such as this.
I applaud your courage and open-mindedness.
But I guess it takes both of those to say meh... this isn't working for me so let's head out on our own, into the great unknown, and just build our own system instead." *applause
Your support has given me the energy to continue sharing this content, btw. You could be (and are) saving some lives.
And I'm not at exaggerating at all.
Thank you! ā¤ļø
Photo by Guillermo Latorre on Unsplash
I believe the main reason mental health and addiction content isn't openly engaged with (even though stats and experience clearly show it has been read or watched) is because there's still so much misinformation, and hence stigma, around both.
And even though these challenges are massively on the increase, most people are still too afraid to have this conversation.
There really isn't anything to be afraid of. I promise! š
In fact, it was only when I began to share about my own personal struggles honestly, that things began to get better. That I began to get better...
Any kind of change really begins with a person being honest enough to acknowledge what may need to be looked at, to create a better life for themselves.
Of course!
Sadly... with the current stigma... not many people feel safe enough to even ask for help.
This is why I keep trying to share openly about my own recovery and offer information to make all of this a bit less scary to other people.
And more understandable as well.
Which it totally is.
I'm also trying to make this more fun, than it seems to be, to try and get people engaged.
Hence the music and dancing.
Because personal growth and recovery is fun, btw.
And letting go of the things that aren't serving you, in order to become the you that you are...
is a total blast when you get the hang of it!
My main concern... being a parent myself... is for the younger humans who are getting caught up in the misinformation and who are (in all likelihood) being incorrectly diagnosed and stuck on chronic medication for lifetimes.
Assigning someone a label, such as "disordered" or "addict", pretty much directs their life and sense of self worth moving forward... forever.
Not so cool.
I've also, personally, found these labels to not be very beneficial to resolving these reactions.
So I'll just keep on saying this until people start to believe me:
"There is nothing 'wrong' with you or your kids!"
People really just need to have their personal experience validated; a safe someone to share with; tools and skills to cope in what is now (visibly because of the online experience and constant exposure to world events) a very stressful world and to be loved and accepted as they are...
so they aren't isolated and, as a result, left traumatized.
Trauma is created because of isolation, by the way. And not because of experience alone.
More to follow on how this works soon.
My goal, with "Perfect", is to bring people together and to help them feel less weird. And less alone.
Show me "normal" and I'll give you $500 :)
Not really possible so don't bother trying to argue. You know I speak the truth anyway. :)
Also... I've chosen ethics over money and am on the bones of my ass. But it was the best decision I've ever made so don't pity me, please. Or judge me as incapable because of my financial bottom out :) It takes an enormous amount of capability to do with less in this material world, in the situation I am in.
But back to trying to be "Perfect".
Please don't.
And... as they say: Prevention is better than cure.
- often attributed to the Dutch philosopher Desiderius Erasmus
By providing a person with decent skills; with honest conversation so they don't feel alone in their experience; by validating their experience of the world and not telling them they are "wrong" or "over-reacting" etc.; by allowing them to be who they truly are without shame; by accepting them as they are and loving them unconditionally...
addiction and mental health problems can be avoided in full, or very effectively reduced and more easily managed at the very least.
Simply by helping someone to feel safe and supported...
... In my personal experience...
It's not rocket science after all.
I'm also not the only person saying this...
Many far more brilliant and eloquent minds than mine are trying to bring a more rational approach to these concerns back into mainstream practice.
Like this amazing human who has correctly pointed out:
I'm not critical of the people who do psychotherapy. The therapists in the trenches have to face an awful lot of the social, political, and economic failures of capitalism.
I am attacking the theories of psychotherapy. You don't attack the grunts of Vietnam; you blame the theory behind the war. Nobody who fought in that war was at fault. It was the war itself that was at fault. It's the same thing with psychotherapy.
It makes every problem a subjective, inner problem. And that's not where the problems come from. They come from the environment, the cities, the economy, the racism. They come from architecture, school systems, capitalism, exploitation.
They come from many places that psychotherapy does not address.
Psychotherapy theory turns it all on you: you are the one who is wrong. What I'm trying to say is that, if a kid is having trouble or is discouraged, the problem is not just inside the kid; it's also in the system, the society.ā
*- James Hillman (On Soul, Character and Calling:
A Conversation with James Hillman)*
This is the music video promised for the post I published yesterday for #ttt, by the way :)
It will make more sense now that you understand what my intentions are.
***One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right***
- The beautiful Bob Marley
p.s. There is nothing "wrong" with you or your kids š
UR already Perfect!
Featured Image Montage created with an image from
Contributed to the #LIL by @quantumg.
AND
Photo by Fidel Fernando on Unsplash
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/ditqllwm
Hive Open Mic 129: Trust
Trust is a big word I've had the same question repeated from many people who've been deeply hurt by those who professed to love them ...
āHow do I learn to trust again?ā
I can totally relate to this question on a very personal level.
I too have been lied to during one of my relationships. I was the only person in our social circle who didnāt know my partner was, in the words of a person who aired the truth many years later... āf*cking aroundā.
For a couple of years, while we were together, my intuition screamed consistently that he was cheating on me. But his friends covered for him when I asked where he'd disappeared to on the odd occasion and our mutual friends didnāt feel it necessary to let me know what was common knowledge either.
Perhaps itās more socially acceptable for men to cheat.
āBoys will be boysā after all.
Right?
I now have a son to raise as a man and Iāve educated him on how to treat people equally from the get go.
His education has included sexism (and all the isms) and gender-bias as well. I do this to protect him as much as I do it to protect his potential partners. To encourage a sense of fairness, justice and accountability in him. To encourage his own personal growth andā¦ ultimatelyā¦ to hopefully build, in him, an innate sense of self esteem and self respect as well.
So that he'll be able to love, and be loved, fully in a vulnerable and honest way. Real connection. Isn't that what we all want in this disconnected world we inhabit?
And how can anyone love us if we're unable to be ourselves or even to know who we truly are ourselves...
because we are too often programmed to be a stereotype from the day we enter the world.
I donāt believe anyone can achieve any authentic kind of self love, or acceptance either, if they're hammered into a stereotype of what a man or woman is "supposed" to be from birth.
Most people lose a good part their authentic selves because of this rubbish. If not all of the best parts of themselves. And I guess it becomes hard for anyone to trust anything under such circumstances.
But this is not a rant about comically outdated perspectives and socialization. I was talking more about being let down and hurt by those that profess to love us at the start of this post.
I guess most of us by my age, and probably at any age, have had our trust broken at least once.
And our hearts as well.
When people ask me this question, "How will I ever trust again", I'm able to draw on some years of personal experience and, in addition, there is far more to being able to trust than meets the eye.
An inability to trust is a symptom of trauma.
As is handing over trust blindly because of the same. Which seems as though it's contradictory, but it is most definitely not.
And, as it turns out, trust needs to be earned anyway.
But there's even more than this to consider when I think about the word "Trust"...
What I finally understood after repeated experiences with dishonesty, broken trust and disappointment over the years... is that even when trust has been earned you canāt really trust anybody but yourself at the end of the day.
I know this sounds as though Iām somehow damaged or bitter because of my experience.
But I'm really not.
I'm very much at peace with things these days.
But it took three long years of total isolation and hard work after a final massive breach of trust to "get" and accept what Iām sharing with you here.
It also took a great deal of thought. A f*ck ton of meditation. And even some research. And it took asking others who had similar journeys and listening to their stories and ways of progressing as well to find my own peace.
I worked hard to return to some semblance of the person I once was. I was almost desperate to feel okay again, you see. The thing isā¦ blindly trusting people the way that I used to was never okay in the first place. It was somewhat childish and extremely naive.
And it got me hurt repeatedly.
I lived in an ideal world created inside my own mind, mostly. Refusing to see any kind of real truth because reality wasnāt so pretty. Love and light, you know? Peace and love, you know? And yes. These things are all very good and well.
Itās justā¦ human beings. And human nature, you know?
And people sometimes react in strange ways and do strange things when they feel their survival is threatened. Even psychologically threatened - as in their place in a work, community or social hierarchy.
So no. People do good things sometimes. And we do not so good things sometimes. And you canāt trust anyone one hundred percent all of the times because people make mistakes on to of all of this.
The thing is... when I truly learned to be okay with myself, I found I didn't need to trust anybody else anyway.
I was simply able to fully accept them as who they are.
That none of us are totally trustworthy all of the time is a fact.
Yes it is disappointing and it adds to the existential angst of the experience of "being human".
Hello. That's why we feel this in the first place. It's the nature of being human. This sense of inherent isolation despite our ongoing attempts at some kind of mutual perception and reality.
But while it can feel lonely initially, it is actually surprisingly liberating when you fully accept it.
I think most of us "get it" intellectually but still secretly wish it werenāt so. That we could change it somehow. And it's in the taking of this realization from a concept to an awakening/understanding to a proper, full acceptance that the "liberation" occurs.
Understanding that people are generally unconsciously acting out their own stories and that their behaviour really has little or nothing to do with you is very liberating indeed.
You get to a point where you donāt even feel you need to respond much. Itās simpler to just step back and wait things out. Wait for things to pass.
Even if it seems like you have something to do with an exchange. Most of human communication is generally projection and miscommunication, surprisingly. This becomes very clear if you really take the time to put your own perspective aside, completely, and ask with enough curiosity to get a proper glimpse of another human beingās experience of the world.
Sometimes it's quite incredible how profoundly different two people who are having the same conversation's understanding is, of what has even been said.
Eye-opening, in fact!
Try it sometime.
The next time you're having a difficult discussion with someone, take the time to reflect back to them what it is that you understand that they have said.
First!
"What I'm understanding you saying is..."
start there. And do please let me know how it goes :)
Once youāre able to take things less personally and observe things with less attachment, or non-attachment in fullā¦ wellā¦ there really isn't much need to trust anybody but yourself!
Nobody can control the behaviour of anybody else. And a person can be driven quite mad by even trying to do such a thing.
Because control is an illusion anyway, you see.
We all know this.
Thereās a quote that goes something like "If you love someone set them free. If they come back they're yours forever and if they don't they never really were."
Are we able to "own" people as "ours".
Really?
How about just setting them free and not expecting them to come back or be anything other than they truly are instead?
Happy HPUD to all! š„ I powered up today. Better late than never and not as much as I'd have liked because I've been on the go and am almost bleeding from the eyes to get this in, in the remaining three minutes.
But I'm here, on it and in for the duration.
āLove is the ultimate outlaw.
It just won't adhere to any rules.
The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice.
Instead of vowing to honor and obey,
maybe we should swear to aid and abet.
That would mean that security is out of the question.
The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate.
My love for you has no strings attached.
I love you for free.ā
Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker
I'll keep saying it until you believe me.
*Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee*
Featured montage created with Photo by Anton Mishin on Unsplash and Photo by Cristi Goia on Unsplash
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/idljjajq
I'm busy editing the full video, of this snippet, for another Chaper of K.I.S.S: A book with an alternative perspective on mental health and addiction and wasn't going to share all of the banging away on the guitar bits.
But I was going to use this snippet for the Dreem-WOW this week...
I wrote a full post and everything... had it almost complete to just make the deadline last night and boom! All of the copy somehow mysteriously disappeared an hour before lift off. Six hours of work into the ether.
Perhaps I wasn't meant to share that part of the journey right now.
Wise words from @dreemsteem when I reached out in the final hour to say I wasn't gonna make the deadline and I made a video and all to support the fine efforts of the Dreemport team.
You gotta trust the flow and the process a bit, right?
So then I thought... hey! This would totally fit into the Hive Open Mic 129 theme this week! "Trust".
Because I've been building up the courage to enter the community's weekly prompts and send in a song. I really just play for fun, so I've been a bit shy about contributing. Especially when I see some of the entries.
Having said that...
The biggest draw card for me to promote HIve is because of the real humans and original content I see and connect with on here every day. It's entirely different from Fakebook and Instaham and I was sold on the social media side of things immediately when I found it because of this.
So "Trust" would have worked as well as a prompt for this video. It takes trust to allow people to see us as we are. In all our awkward human-ness.
It takes trust to be ourselves. To be honest about who we are (There's NO honesty on mainstream social media at all these days). And to put ourselves out there by sharing our own original content.
Which for creators often means revealing a bit of our soul.
Beautifully... I've only experienced acceptance, support, encouragement and validation around here. Even with my endless typos! I've found this to be a friendly, open, non-judgemental community. And it's this very aspect that makes me encourage other folks to get on board.
While using platforms like Facebook and Instagram usually leaves me feeling angry, afraid or less than worthy (because that is how the algorithms have been intentionally designed!)...
I find nothing but inspriation, honest connection, warmth and support around here.
So trust... yeah. That would have worked as well.
Sadly... I had already cut the video and it doesn't included the intro for the Open MIc prompt. Next time @hive-105786. I am so gonna participate soon...
So this is going to end up being submitted as a first post to a community that I've been following for a bit. And I hope it reaches whoever may need to find it.
Here are some links to the techniques, theories and therapies I mention in the video:
The Polyvagal Theory
Plugged In - Richard Grannon Documentary[(
) More to follow ...
Keep on keeping on!
Recovery is possible.
Featured image created with Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
and Photo by Simi Iluyomade on Unsplash
UR already Perfect Logo made with Canva
Video made with Blender
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/mucytuhq
K.I.S.S : Keep it Simple Sweetheart
An alternative perspective on mental health and addiction
K.I.S.S
Foreword Iāve been trying to write this book and share information both found via research, and learned through trial and error, for some years now.
The format has changed, over the years, from a single person retelling of a journey of self discovery and healing, to a third person story that may be less confrontational for institutions, professionals, and the general public to consider engaging with.
I thought, in this less direct way, I could list the questions I asked with some curiosity and simply show the information I discovered in my search for some answers, the interesting connections I made and the somewhat astounding recovery that followed.
The purpose of the revised format was to inspire others to ask similar questions, with a different perspective on addiction and mental health, to encourage them to research for themselves and see if our answers were similar or even the same.
What happened next, was yet another enormous progression in my personal recovery.
At this stage, I lost all interest in retelling my story or even trying to share the answers Iād found. I was tired of revisiting painful parts of what was fast becoming ancient history for me. I was also integrating the learning and moving forward so quickly, it began to seem self indulgent and counterintuitive to keep going over the past vividly enough for it to be of any real value to others.
I had also begun to accept how complicated this conversation is.
During these years of doing and redoing, I began to write on a platform on the internet.
As I met fellow writers online, with similar stories and perspectives, I became even more aware of how big this topic is and how deep the proverbial rabbit hole goes. It also brought home to me how resistant both the medical profession and the general public are to discuss why addiction and mental disorders are on the increase and current treatments are often failing. And the increase in psychiatric medication being prescribed as standard practice these days.
More procrastination followed.
How was I to share my findings, if the majority of people arenāt even willing to talk about these topics?
A professional editor appeared in my radius.
A fellow human who had been through a similar experience regarding the apparent loss of direction in the mental health and addiction industry.
I asked him to edit the book and he very kindly consented.
I sent him an already written forward.
Heās tough. This guyās experienced and he knows whatās what. My first attempt at the bookās Forward didnāt make the grade.
I rewrote it and submitted another version. Still no go.
My editorās feedback has been entirely and soundly spot on with every response. He sees the pitfalls of trying to write a book like this and heās methodically and accurately pointed them out at every turn.
I knew he was spot on because Iād already experienced some of the questions heās raised in live situations for the past three years as Iāve tried to share some of this. As for the rest, I just trust his judgment because Iām not a professional writer.
He asked me, in one of many emails as we discussed the difficulties, what Iām even precisely trying to say. A valid question as thereās a lot to be said and the content is not specific to just one topic.
But then neither is proper recovery for mental health and addiction as it turns out.
His question was raised during a discussion on the fact that I couldnāt say what I want to because Iām not a doctor and, consequently, I wonāt be taken seriously.
I know this of course.
Iād already looked at studying to get a PhD in order to bring this to you as a fully fledged doctor, just so you might consider believing me. Sadly, Iām unable to afford the costs. Perhaps one dayā¦
But my editorās question on what exactly Iām trying to say has sat with me for a few weeks since my last attempt to get the Forward (at least) written.
What am I trying to say?
That addiction is not a disease and the plethora of diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are not disorders in the way we believe they are.
But Iāll be ignored because I am not a doctor.
Realistically, even if I were on par with the medical fraternity, disagreeing with current practices to this extent would probably see me ostracized and called a āquack.ā
Iām trying to say that psychology is not a science and weāre being incorrectly led to believe, often by medical professionals themselves, that psychological problems are medical problems.
But the general public wonāt believe me because weāve been taught to respect authority without question and Iām not a doctor. Again.
Iām trying to say that you canāt separate the human mind from the human body/physiology and external environment and expect to cure anything or anyone.
Iām saying that perspective is, literally, everything with regards to adequately treating these conditions and that our āmodernā approach is totally off the mark.
Iām trying to share that facilities and programs aimed at ātreatingā these conditions are falling short because theyāre not only not seeing the full picture, but are actively keeping people sick because they are completely (and sometimes intentionally) avoiding a large part of the problem.
Iām trying to say that the majority of the professionals Iāve approached over the years for guidance caused more harm than good, because theyāve been given the wrong information in their studies and are poorly trained with only parts of, or none of, other important information.
Iām trying to say that a lot of these professionals know this, but are sticking to the status quo because theyāre afraid to be ostracized by the rest.
Iām trying to say the treatment of addiction and mental health has become an industry driven by financial gain and that people are regularly being incorrectly diagnosed and put on expensive pharmaceutical medication for lifetimes because of human greed.
While, at times, many professionals (and one group) gave me tools and small bits of information that did help me progress, they never did āfixā or address the real causes of my addiction and enormous variety of mental diagnoses.
The thing is, the more I share about this topic, the more I come to understand that many of you know all of this anyway.
So my question would be, why are you still buying into all of this medical advice if psychiatric disorders and addiction are on the increase? And if most of you know that current treatments are seriously questionable?
Because you do know this already. A lot of you have told me in person.
Iām just going to put it down, in black and white, to remind you when things get a bit confusing.
Because Iām not a doctor.
Iām just a Schizophrenic, BiPolar, Borderline, Anxiety & Depression Disordered, Addict who, somehow, is sitting writing this today, almost four years medication free and no further treatment necessary.
Which means you probably wonāt believe me when I tell you there is, probably, nothing wrong with you either.
If you donāt quite believe me, yet, I invite you to read on a bit to see why I believe this may be true.
I am not a medical doctor and do not claim any information in this document or content to be a cure. This is my own understanding of how my "addiction" and "mental illness" worked, what both of these ultimately were ... and the approach I personally used to find a full and lasting recovery. I do not endorse the information shared in K.I.S.S - Keep it Simple Sweetheart to be used in place of professional medical advice, support groups or specific therapies.
Please do not come off any prescribed medication without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
Please do not step away from any programs of treatment or support groups without the guidance and support of a trained professional.
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/xisrtoha
When you get your ass kicked but the win is too elegant not to share...
Cover thumbnail from Wallpaper Abyss
Video created with YouCut
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/wszjizxn
A snippet from The Accidental Theory: A multimedia story about a fortunate series of events that seemed like the worst thing that could happen at the time
Endscreen logo made with Canvas | Video created with Blender | Copy and photography artist's own Ā© The Accidental Theory 2022
https://3speak.tv/watch?v=nickydee/ykuakmoh
Snippet of a video made in 2019 during a hectic life challenge.
I made videos for a program of support and prevention for others, to share tools and skills as I learned how all of this works and found a way to a full recovery for "anxiety and depression" (and "addiction").
Don't forget to look up! <3
Video Thumbnail Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash