NVC Life with Rachelle Lamb: Recent Episodes
Rachelle Lamb
Are you new to Nonviolent Communication or perhaps a seasoned practitioner? NVC Life with Rachelle Lamb explores ways to effectively apply NVC in our everyday relational lives for the sake of a better world.
To learn more about adopting a life-centric approach to life and love, visit https://www.rachellelamb.com
An exploration of the sometimes tumultuous relationship between mothers and daughters
Mentions:
- After 37 Years My Mother Apologizes for My Childhood by Sharon Olds https://www.writersalmanac.org/index.html%3Fp=7034.html
- Bloodroot: tracing the untelling of motherloss by Betsy Warland https://www.betsywarland.com/project/bloodroot-tracing-the-untelling-of-motherloss/
In this episode: different names for the moon, Earth Day mission statement, excerpts from an interview with Martín Prechtel by Derrick Jensen, a poem titled: Where Am I? (Strange World)
https://derrickjensen.org/dreams/martin-prechtel/
Thoughts on yesterday's solar eclipse and the act of people gathering in large numbers for an awe inspiring celestial event.
"Even to think that we're separated from nature is somehow a thought thinking disorder. You can't be separated from nature." These are the words of the great Jungian psychologist James Hillman. Listen to this episode to hear more about how we're going crazy.
Referenced video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tAtDaO8Qdw
Meeting Marshall Rosenberg was life changing for me. It completely altered my way of seeing and understanding the world as well as how I interacted with others.
Nonviolent Communication is often described as a process that, when put into practice, can support people to live in a world where everyone’s needs matter and are met through natural compassionate giving. Is this even possible?
Mentions:
- A Balanced Understanding of NEEDS https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/a-balanced-understanding-of-needs
- NonViolent Communication as an Evolutionary Imperative-An Interview with Marshall Rosenberg https://alternativesmagazine.com/29/rosenberg.html
May the one you long for long for you .. and other words of love and longing for Valentine's Day.
Remembering Marshall Rosenberg who left our beautiful planet on this very day in 2015.
To view or purchase Marshall's books:
https://puddledancer.bookstore.ipgbook.com/
According to The Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. And certainly, it indicates the end of love, the end of kindness, warmth, and decency.
Understanding how truly destructive contempt is to our relationships might motivate us to learn to speak differently about our frustrations and disappointments within a relationship.
Listen to Gottman Method's 4 Horsemen episode aired on Jan 24, 2023:
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/rachelle-lamb/episodes/Gottman-Methods-4-Horsemen-e1ttv34/a-a877jej
A glimpse into Alain de Botton's insightful book: The Course of Love (Simon & Schuster 2016) about a married couple's relationship struggles. Highly relatable!
Buy the book:
https://www.amazon.ca/Course-Love-Alain-Botton/dp/1501134515
Alain de Botton | The Course on Love
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj2m31gekYc
Did you know that according to market analysis reports, the global personal development market size was estimated at USD 43.77 billion in 2022 and is anticipated to grow at a compound annual growth rate of 5.5% to 2030. Are we better people I wonder as a result? Are we better listeners?
Book Resource:
The Exquisite Risk by Mark Nepo https://marknepo.com/books_theexquisite.php
Stop, be still, make room for the darkness
Links:
- O Night: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=778236623110531&set=a.573965980204264
- Praise to the Holy Dark: https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=776085349992325&set=a.573965980204264
- Dark Still by Stephen Jenkinson: https://orphanwisdom.com/2014/12/20/dark-still/
This episode reexamines the concepts of duty and obligation as referenced in Nonviolent Communication. Might there be merit in rehabilitating these terms and understanding them as a meaningful way to contribute to life?
"We don’t want people to do things out of obligation or duty, or out of guilt or shame, or to buy love. With some consciousness, I’m confident we would each see that we only want people to do things if they can do it willingly, because they clearly see how it’s going to enrich life if they do. Any other reason for doing things is likely to create conditions that make it harder for people in the future to behave in a compassionate way toward one another." —Marshall Rosenberg
The Nonviolent Communication Book of Quotes (PuddleDancer Press, Sept 2023) https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/the-nonviolent-communication-book-of-quotes/
In today's episode I speak with Dr. Joshua Coleman who is a recognized expert on the rapidly growing phenomenon of parental estrangement. He has written two books on the subject and provides ongoing support to parents, as well as grandparents, who struggle with being cut out of their adult children's lives.
In Dr. Coleman's words: "While there’s nothing especially modern about family conflict or a desire to feel insulated from it, conceptualizing the estrangement of a family member as an expression of personal growth as it is commonly done today is almost certainly new." (AEON Jan 2021 article)
A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement: https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/post/a-shift-in-american-family-values-is-fueling-estrangement
Dr. Coleman's website: https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/
This episode features an excerpt from a conversation with relationship coach Dolphin Kasper who invited me to his podcast The Better Relationship Podcast. The subject: our learned separation.
Link to full episode on The Better Relationship Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/47S67umOuttRTNWsuu5Cyw?si=BGVTS2ovQ5-g7cJm_PXrpw
Last week I shared Part 1 of a conversation I had with Sofie De Wulf, Outreach & Programs Coordinator for NVC Academy. Here is Part 2 of our conversation where Sofie and I discuss ecology, our relationship with nature, our lived separation from nature and from each other, how we speak about needs, as well as how people concretely benefit from learning Nonviolent Communication.
Learn more about the course I will be offering in Feb/Mar 2024 through the NVC Academy:
https://nvcacademy.com/live-nvc-courses/video-conference/bridging-differences-2024
In this episode, I share a conversation I had recently with Sofie De Wulf, Outreach & Programs Coordinator for NVC Academy. NVC Academy offers hundreds of online courses and resources to learn Nonviolent Communication from home and they have invited me to present a course in February and March of 2024 titled Bridging Differences, Building Bonds: A Revolutionary Approach to Resolving Conflict. I enjoyed my conversation with Sofie so much that I'm sharing it here. This is part 1 of our conversation. Part 2 will be aired next week.
Learn more about the course I will be offering in Feb/Mar 2024:
https://nvcacademy.com/live-nvc-courses/video-conference/bridging-differences-2024
In this episode, I explore one of my all time favourite books by psychologist and author David Richo titled The Five Things We Cannot Change .. and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them. (Shambala Publications 2005)
Get the book:
https://www.amazon.com/Five-Things-Cannot-Change-Happiness/dp/1590303083
In this episode I share some of my own feelings, thoughts and wonderings after viewing "Investigating Buffy Sainte-Marie’s claims to Indigenous ancestry" produced by The Fifth Estate.
Links:
- Investigating Buffy Sainte-Marie’s claims to Indigenous ancestry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMsqCWNCUc4
- Buffy Sainte-Marie and who gets to claim Indigenous identity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cfq6j9_k0Jg
In this episode most of what listeners will hear are the words of Marshall Rosenberg curated from various sources and that speak directly to the dilemmas that human beings must wrestle with in the face of war.
Resource links:
- The Sun Feb 2003 article: https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/326/beyond-good-and-evil
- Inquiring Mind Fall 2004 article: https://inquiringmind.com/article/2101_4w_rosenberg-interview-with-marshall-rosenberg-the-traveling-peacemaker/
- NVC Marshall Rosenberg - San Francisco Workshop https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc
To learn more about adopting a life-centric approach to life and love, visit https://www.rachellelamb.com
Almost everyone fascinated with the inner workings of relationships is familiar with attachment theory. This episode invites listeners to wonder about the impact of their own childhood experiences.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Indigenous cultures the world over make it a daily practice to praise and appreciate the natural world. Such a practice would have the effect of keeping the natural world and the nature of our relationship with the natural world central to our awareness and to any decisions we make .. which in turn would deepen our connection with the natural world as well as with each other.
Resources:
Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer: https://milkweed.org/book/braiding-sweetgrass
Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address: https://americanindian.si.edu/environment/pdf/01_02_Thanksgiving_Address.pdf
Video about the Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swJs2cGNwIU
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Do you ever wonder what it means to be a healthy person? This episode, following the September 30th Day of Truth and Reconciliation in Canada, explores the question of individual and collective health and highlights the work of retired Canadian assistant Crown Attorney Rupert Ross who has authored several books on Indigenous healing and justice.
Book reference:
Indigenous Healing: Exploring traditional paths by Rupert Ross https://www.amazon.ca/Returning-Teachings-Exploring-Aboriginal-Justice/dp/0143055593
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores aging in an anti-aging culture, where defying one's age and looking much younger than one's actual age is applauded and encouraged .. leaving old age to those who seemingly lack the good sense to enrol in the 'stay young forever' programs and consequently risk falling into oblivion.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
An episode that traces a connection between how humans understand their place in the world and the high levels of separation that plague humans in their interpersonal relationships with each other and with the world around them.
Mentions:
NeverLand with Stephen Jenkinson: https://youtu.be/4EF1rcbGxHE?si=aywpm5Ii1O6BCSTL
Life Enriching Education by Marshall Rosenberg: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/life-enriching-education/
My Name is Chellis and I'm in Recovery from Western Civilization by Chellis Glendinning https://newsociety.com/books/m/my-name-is-chellis-and-im-in-recovery-from-western-civilization
About Chief Oren Lyons: https://americanswhotellthetruth.org/portraits/oren-lyons/
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Based on the number of people who tuned into last weeks episode on Jordan Peterson and free speech, I thought this week would be a good time to explore the subject of offence and being offended.
Resources:
Author Irshad Manji: Worry Less about offending people and more about being able to take offence (3m YouTube video | https://youtu.be/yvavBpQZBnM?si=Spyks2qRgIV5XCRX)
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
On August 23rd, An Ontario court ruled against Jordan Peterson Wednesday, and upheld the regulatory body Ontario College of Psychologists decision, that he take social media training, a ruling that many consider to be a chilling development for the future of free speech for Canadians.
This episode explores how this ruling may impact free speech in Canada.
References:
Peterson v. College of Psychologists of Ontario: https://www.ontariocourts.ca/scj/peterson-v-college-of-psychologists-of-ontario/
Ontario Court Rules Against Jordan Peterson: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/jordan-peterson-court-case-decision-1.6943845
Jordan Peterson's Tweets: https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/read-jordan-petersons-tweets-that-prompted-complaints-to-psychologists-college
Christine Van Geyn, Litigation director of the Canadian Constitution Foundation: https://nationalpost.com/opinion/jordan-peterson-losing-free-expression-case-puts-us-all-at-risk
Howard Levitt, Senior partner of Levitt Sheikh: https://financialpost.com/fp-work/jordan-peterson-ruling-empowers-woke-bodies-to-discipline-members
Dr. Shawn Whatley, past President of the Ontario Medical Association: https://troymedia.com/politicslaw/what-the-jordan-peterson-case-reveals-about-regulatory-colleges/
https://nationalpost.com/opinion/shawn-whatley-jordan-petersons-regulator-is-fighting-for-itself-not-patients
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
It's 'Back to School' time! This episode cites the words of author and teacher John Taylor Gatto as he provides readers with the troubling lessons that he teaches children as dictated by the US education system.
In Taylor Gatto's own words:
The first lesson I teach is confusion.
The second lesson I teach is class position.
The third lesson I teach is indifference.
The fourth lesson I teach is emotional dependency.
The fifth lesson I teach is intellectual dependency.
The sixth lesson I teach is provisional self-esteem.
The seventh lesson I teach is that you can’t hide.
"Schools teach exactly what they are meant to teach and they do it well — how to be a good Egyptian and know your place in the pyramid."
—John Taylor Gatto
Resources:
- Educating our Children podcast episode Aug 30, 2022: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/rachelle-lamb/episodes/Educating-our-Children-e1n4mrs
- A Few Lessons They Won't Forget: The Disgrace of Modern Schooling by John Taylor Gatto: https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/186/a-few-lessons-they-wont-forget
- Books by John Taylor-Gatto: https://www.amazon.com/stores/John-Taylor-Gatto/author/B001K7S0AE?
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode focuses on the the 4th step of the NVC process which is REQUESTS; and in this episode, we explore the “connecting request”. Connecting requests anchor the conversation in the expression of feelings and needs. We either ask for the other person to reflect back our feelings and needs or we ask the other person to express their feelings and needs. Tune in to learn how a connecting request can deepen your conversations.
Resources: 10 examples of connecting requests:
- Would you be willing to tell me what you’re hearing me say?
- Can you tell me how you feel about what I’ve just said?
- Can you tell me what you’re hearing that’s so alive in me?
- Can you tell me what you’re hearing that I’m placing such a high value on in this moment?
- Can you tell me what comes up for you hearing what I’ve just said?
- Can you tell me how my words are landing for you?
- Can you reflect back to me what you’re hearing me say?
- I want to be sure I’m speaking clearly and am wondering if you’d help me out and let me know what you’re hearing right now?
- I want to be sure you’re not hearing blame or criticism and I’m wondering what you’re hearing?
- Can you tell me what’s stimulated in you hearing what I’ve said?
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Developing skillfulness around conflict doesn’t mean that all relationships endure and that we live happily ever after, it does mean however that our way of being with each other can be less prone to being contaminated by poor communication habits .. those tragic reflexes mired in blame and hostility that are so unproductive. Developing skillfulness means learning conflict, learning what it asks of us and how to navigate its tricky mysterious terrain.
Mentioned:
High Conflict by Amanda Ripley https://www.amandaripley.com/high-conflict
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
How does Nonviolent Communication help people to make clear observations? Do you know how to formulate an observation that you and those you’re engaged in conversation with can reasonably agree on? Can you describe what actually happened instead of your interpretation of it? Tune in to learn more.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode reflects on the question: why is NVC practice so hard? Hint, hint: maybe it has something to do with the fact that many people find it incredibly frustrating and challenging to make the distinction between a NEED and a WANT?
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
In this episode, I share a story from a book published in 1992 titled Millennium: Tribal Wisdom and the Modern World written by anthropologist David Maybury-Lewis. As I consider this story, I encounter a different way of thinking, a vastly different orientation around what it means to live communally, to cooperate, to understand the world and one’s place in it.
The book: https://www.amazon.ca/Millennium-Tribal-Wisdom-Modern-World/dp/0670829358
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
We are each one of us entitled to our own opinions, viewpoints and paradigms .. so we say and so we're told. The thing is, our opinions, viewpoints and theories significantly shape and determine the choices we make and the lifestyles we strive towards .. and none of these, though intangible at the outset, are without consequence. Tune in to hear more ..
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
On today’s episode: Not all conflict is resolvable
Is is always possible for conflict to be effectively resolved? One of the things that drew me to Nonviolent Communication was the idea that conflict, when skillfully addressed, is always resolvable. I don’t remember when I stopped believing that all conflict can be resolved but I no longer believe it. And I continue to believe that, no matter how much NVC is applied to the process, some conflicts are unlikely to ever resolve. Tune in to hear more ..
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Welcome to Episode 1 of my 2nd year of podcasting! This is episode explores the question: should I end our relationship?
Inspiration:
Sweet Darkness by poet David Whyte https://onbeing.org/poetry/sweet-darkness/
Music: Unspoken by Luke Wieting (Audiosocket/Canva)
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
So today is episode 52 .. a whole year of podcasting! So what to talk about on this episode? In last week’s episode Our modern obsession with comfort, I read from Jean Liedloff’s book The Continuum Concept. The truth is, there was more I wanted to read from her book but I decided to reserve it for another episode .. today’s episode! I hope you'll join me as we go fetch water with a group of Yequana women.
Resources:
The Continuum Concept: Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully by Jean Liedloff: https://continuumconcept.org/
Earlier episodes referencing Liedloff’s Continuum Concept:
- Reflections on autonomy and belonging (published July 26th 2022) https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/nvc-life-with-rachelle-lamb/id1633019308?i=1000571204616
- Our modern obsession with comfort (published June 20th 2023)
The Trade (a poem): https://youtu.be/gUN60T7O_kE
Quote from D.H. Lawrence: "Oh what a catastrophe, what a maiming of love when it was made a personal, merely personal feeling, taken away from the rising and setting of the sun, and cut off from the magic connection of the solstice and equinox. This is what is the matter with us. We are bleeding at the roots, because we are cut off from the earth and sun and stars, and love is a grinning mockery, because, poor blossom, we plucked it from its stem on the tree of life and expected it to keep on blooming in our civilized vase on the table.”
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores modern culture’s obsession with comfort, including its relatives: ease, convenience and efficiency.
Questions for reflection:
- Where did you inherit your ideas about comfort?
- How does the strong need for comfort, ease, convenience direct your thinking, your biases, your choices?
- How does our modern obsession with comfort impact our capacity to be human, to belong to a place, and to live in accord with life itself?
Resources:
The Continuum Concept: Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully by Jean Liedloff: https://continuumconcept.org/
Earlier episode referencing Liedloff’s Continuum Concept:Reflections on autonomy and belonging (published July 26th 2022) https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/nvc-life-with-rachelle-lamb/id1633019308?i=1000571204616
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
A few weeks ago, a listener reached out to me with a question around the link between epigenetics and NVC.
Reference was made to a TEDtalk given by Professor Moshe Szyf in 2016 who is recognized as a pioneering geneticist and researcher at McGill University. The title of his talk was: Epigenetics - our bodies' way to change the destiny written in our DNA (https://youtu.be/SrqmuYvk3iQ | 17m)
This episode explores NVC teachings on feelings, their source, and their impact.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
It could be said, that in spite of the fact that many of us living in today’s modern world experience longer lives, greater affluence and far more safety than our ancestors did, it doesn’t register as good fortune in our minds. While it's probable that something is missing and that something isn’t quite right from our lives, it's probably not safety.
This episode is an exploration into the need for safety and makes reference to an earlier episode published in Oct 2022:
- On Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2oUOH0NM3ugEYmcNFjKwNK?si=DnN-wgjaRfeDeeELyykr6A
- On Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/nvc-life-with-rachelle-lamb/id1633019308?i=1000582267125
Poem .. Who Is This I: https://www.facebook.com/poetess.RachelleLamb/photos/pb.100027726027079.-2207520000./3270598249679403/
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode asks the question: How can we possibly know what we need when we're so disconnected from the natural world that we are so dependant on?
"Our society is made up of vast numbers of traumatized individuals, and our culture has come into being through universally traumatizing process." —Chellis Glendinning
"We've had a hundred years of analysis, and people are getting more and more sensitive, and the world is getting worse and worse. Maybe it's time to look at that." —James Hillman
Episode resources:
- Book by psychologist Chellis Glendinning: https://newsociety.com/books/m/my-name-is-chellis-and-im-in-recovery-from-western-civilization
- We've had a Hundred Years of Psycho-Therapy and the World's Getting Worse by James Hillman and Michael Ventura: https://www.amazon.ca/Hundred-Years-Psychotherapy-Worlds-Getting/dp/0062506617
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
In this episode, I have the privilege of introducing you to renowned storyteller and mythologist, Dr. Martin Shaw. Dr Shaw was born and raised in England and is author of seventeen books, including "A Branch from the Lightning Tree: Ecstatic Myth and the Grace of Wildness”, ”Snowy Tower: Parzival and the Wet, Black Branch of Language,” and “Scatterlings, Getting Claimed in the age of Amnesia” Each book showcases Shaw's unique ability to weave together ancient wisdom, poetic language, and a deep understanding of the human psyche. Eric Utne, founder of the Utne Reader says of Martin: “Martin Shaw is a conjurer, a 13th century troubadour dropped in our midst. He breathes into his characters a beating pulse, agile speech and bedazzling wit. Catch him anyway you can.”
Shaw recently completed a 2 week tour across Canada and I had the great pleasure of spending time with him at his final stop in Victoria BC before his return to the UK. Martin graciously agreed to join me in a conversation on my podcast. I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did!
Where to find Dr. Martin Shaw:
- Dr. Martin Shaw’s website: https://drmartinshaw.com/
- The Westcountry School of Myth .. an unrivalled immersion into myth, wilderness and soul: https://schoolofmyth.com
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Following last week's episode on Borderline Personality Disorder, this episode explores one of the more effective treatments for the condition: Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (aka DBT) developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan.
Resources:
- Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir by Dr. Marsha Lineman, https://www.amazon.com/Building-Life-Worth-Living-Memoir/dp/0812984994/ref=sr_1_5
- Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship by Dr. Shari Manning, https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075/ref=sr_1_1
- BorderlinerNotes, a mental health channel focused on personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The channel started as a way to make use of extra interview footage from the documentary film BORDERLINE (watch at borderlinethefilm.com). It has grown into a continued effort to offer information to people that might help them get a proper diagnosis and good treatment, as well as a place where clinicians and those working in the mental health field can learn to be better treaters. The goal is to democratize access to quality information, create positive change in the mental health field, and to do it artfully and with feeling. https://www.youtube.com/@BorderlinerNotes/featured
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month, and while many people may believe that their lives are not touched by this disorder, the chances are even higher that you know someone who is either diagnosed or undiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, also known as BPD. This episode aims to reduce stigma and raise awareness on a painful condition that people can recover from when they are able to recognize symptoms and receive proper treatment.
Resources:
- Why Borderline Personality Disorder is Misdiagnosed, Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/October-2017/Why-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-is-Misdiagnose
- Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change, Valerie Porr, MA, https://www.tara4bpd.org/overcoming-bpd-a-family-guide
- The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating, Kiera Van Gelder, https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/7192753
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Within the NVC framework, being right is not a need. But it sure feels like it doesn’t it! It can feel like there’s absolutely no other option, and in that sense it can feel very much like a basic necessity in the same way the need for food, air and water are needs.
Mention:
Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, by Daniel Goleman (1995)
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Tune into Part 2 of a conversation I had several months ago with Melissa Schwartz from The Shift Network and https://leadingedgeparenting.com. Part 1 of the conversation was posted last week on April 18th.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Tune into Part 1 of a conversation I had several months ago with Melissa Schwartz from The Shift Network and https://leadingedgeparenting.com. Melissa invited me to be a featured speaker in the 2022 Empaths, Sensitives & Intuitives Summit. We had a lively conversation about Nonviolent Communication which I thought subscribers to my podcast would enjoy hearing. The conversation kicks off with Melissa asking me about applying NVC in real life.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode examine "enemy images" and how the practice of Nonviolent Communication is so effective in transforming those negative and destructive images into a language that can facilitate connection across differences.
"To create the world that exemplifies our values, we need to liberate ourselves from enemy images — the thinking that says there is something wrong with the people whose actions or values we don’t agree with. Whether our enemy images are with politicians, individuals with religions convictions different from our own, leaders of the corporate world, or our neighbors next door, lasting social change isn’t possible until we learn how to transform these enemy images."
—Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., Speak Peace in a World of Conflict (PuddleDancer Press, 2005)
https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/resources/articles-about-nvc/transforming-enemy-images/
Also included in the episode is reference to the book Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by author John Welwood: http://www.johnwelwood.com/perfectlove.htm
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores the impact of questions in a relationship .. how we ask questions, how we respond to them, how we welcome or resist them.
Some questions to reflect on:
- Where is my question actually coming from? Do I really want to better understand the other person? Or do I really want empathy? Do I want to make them wrong? Or do I want to experience greater control and less uncertainty to lower my anxiety? What’s driving my question?
- Why do I feel so threatened by my partner’s questions? Do I have a story running in my head that they are trying to find fault with me? (Which may be accurate by the way) Or that they want to know more much more about me than I am ready to reveal? Either way, how might I discuss this with my partner in a matter that deepens respect for our differences?
- Why do I feel a need to press my partner with questions that he or she clearly doesn’t want to answer?
- Are the question I’m asking or hearing somehow threatening or overly probing?
- What am I hiding? What don’t I want my partner to know about me?
- How much do I ultimately trust or not trust my partner?
- Humans are complex and at times full of contradiction. There are some parts of myself that on the one hand I genuinely want to share with another person, and yet on the other hand I feel too afraid to share. Why is that? What purpose does it serve? And in what ways does it interfere with me having full and meaningful relationships?
Ending quote:
“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” —Rainer Maria Rilke
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This week’s episode explores this years Oscar winner for Best Documentary Short Film: The Elephant Whisperers streaming on Netflix.
Why this film is so important: in only 40 minutes, this film invites us into the world of 2 individuals who live a life of devotion and service to the land that they have been born to, to the creatures that live there and in this case specifically, to 2 elephants who would not have survived without their care and commitment. It is a story of deep love for nature and for life, it teaches lessons of what is means to live with enough, to not take more than what is needed, to maintain traditions, to live with gratitude, to make a place for ceremony, to see God in the world, to remember our dead by loving what’s alive, to teach the next generation how to do the same. This is a beautiful film about all our relations .. a live example of people’s capacity to attend to the living needs of the world and to be in love with life as they care for life.
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Welcome spring! Some thoughts on belonging to a place and what that means in the context of our human needs.
Mentions:
"The word irreality in this book is not intended to signify what is usually meant by unreal, not real, or ethereal. Irreality is used to denote the very common strange and unfortunate collective condition whereby an utterly unhealthy, non-same, unnatural, totally synthetic, technologically choreographed environment with no awareness or regard for the Holy in Nature becomes the cultural environment of a people, who without questioning it, live in its trance, accepting it all as perfectly normal.
This is not unreal because it most certainly tangibly exists, but this neurotic human-centred mess is irreal because its “reality” is man-made and of no use to the organic human soul: it is an irreality."
—Martín Prechtel, The Unlikely Peace at Cuchumaquic: The Parallel Lives of People as Plants: Keeping the Seeds Alive (2012)
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episodes explores the importance of becoming aware of negative patterns of relating.
Questions for reflection:
What am I afraid of?
What am I trying to protect?
What is familiar to me about this exchange?
What early memories are stirred?
What really matters to me?
What do I ultimately want?
Mentions:
Eckhart Tolle: How the Pain-Body Affects Relationships https://youtu.be/5jSpDZVM1WE
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
We live in troubled times and it's hard to know what to do in light of such many personal, inter-personal and collective concerns. This episodes offers a few concrete things to consider and put into action.
Links:
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2014/jan/29/pete-seeger-hudson-river-new-york
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Russ Roberts, is the host of EconTalk: Conversations for the Curious. His recent guest was Marco Ramos, MD, PH.D, Historian of Medicine, and Psychiatrist at Yale University.
This episode contains a brief segment of their important discussion.
Some things to wonder about:
- What is it in this culture that is making people ill?
- .. the idea that we don't look at the underlying problem, it is bizarre.
- What's happening at a broader level?
Links:
Marco Ramos on Misunderstanding Mental Illness: https://www.econtalk.org/marco-ramos-on-misunderstanding-mental-illness/
Watch it on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atyrY9NQPrQ
Article: Mental Illness is not in your Head https://www.bostonreview.net/articles/mental-illness-is-not-in-your-head/
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores authenticity and what it means to be authentic at the best and worst of times. And what does it actually mean to be truly authentic in a way that serves the world?
Mentions:
Communicating During Conflict: 4 Key Steps (available from https://www.rachellelamb.com when visitors join my mailing list)
The Journey by Mary Oliver (https://poemotopia.com/best-poems/mary-oliver/#the-journey)
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
An episode devoted to the exploration of romantic love. "The ideal relationship is the equivalent of the snow leopard; our loyalty to it as a realistic possibility cannot be based on the evidence of our own experience. Instead it derives from a range of reckless ideas circulating in our societies about what sharing a life with another person might be like." Alain de Botton, The Sorrows of Love
Resources:
The Sorrows of Love: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-school-of-life-the-sorrows-of-love-the-school-of-life/9895667
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood: https://www.shambhala.com/perfect-love-imperfect-relationships-1162.html
Coleman Barks recites Love Dogs by Rumi: https://blog.sevenponds.com/the-next-chapter/love-dogs-by-mewlana-jalaluddin-rumi
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Today marks the anniversary of beloved Marshall Rosenberg's death in 2015. This episode honours his work and explores how we might keep his work alive.
Resource: https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/keeping-marshall-rosenbergs-work-alive
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
An episode that explores love as action (original blog: https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/2015/3/23/love-and-the-wisdom-of-erich-fromm). Inspired by the work of Erich Fromm the German social psychologist and humanistic philosopher who authored many books. Quotes in this episode are from his book The Art of Loving.
“Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.” ― Erich Fromm,The Art of Loving
Marshall Rosenberg - Do You Love Me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otynMEeMStg
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores the overlap between the Gottman Method's 4 Horsemen and NVC's 4 D's of Disconnection
The Gottman Method's Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Nonviolent Communication 4 D's of Disconnection: Diagnosis, Demands, Denial of Personal Responsibility, Deserve thinking
https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/4-sure-fire-ways-to-ruin-relationships
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
"You’ve heard it many times. “Don’t take it personally” .. a modern day aphorism commonly espoused in personal and professional development trainings and spiritual teachings intended to remind us that the things other people say and do are more ostensibly a reflection of who they are than they are a reflection of who we are, particularly when objectionable words and actions are aimed at us personally."
View original blogpost: https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/dont-take-it-personally
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
In Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication: A Language Of Life, the book opens as follows:
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
This episode expands on those important questions. To read the first chapter of the book, visit: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/nvc/ and click on "read a chapter".
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
Happy New Year friends! For the past 7 years I have posted the following New Year's Blessing to social media:
May you fall madly in love this year .. in love with someone who unhinges your tired trajectory, in love with a spouse of several years who might be aching for lightning, in love with demanding children and crazy relatives .. in love with the particular pedigree of genius insanity that has perhaps claimed you in spite of your reluctance .. and certainly in love with an animal, a cloud, a redwood, the wild .. these at least once a day. May you fall in love with this fragile jewel of a world, with hard work, real learning, just causes, petitioning and prayers. May you fall in love with wonder itself, with the grand mystery, with all that feeds you in order that you may live .. and with the responsibility that that confers. May you fall in love with heartbreak and seeing how it's stitched into everything. May you fall in love with the natural order of things and with tears, tenderness and humility. May this be a magnificent year for you. May you fall deeply, madly, hopelessly, inextinguishably in love. —Rachelle Lamb
https://www.facebook.com/poetess.RachelleLamb
This episode is a personal story about my mother's death on Christmas Day several decades ago .. a death that continues to inform my life deeply.
The Nonviolent Communication process describes empathy as a quality of presence in how one listens to another. This episodes explores the subject of empathy through some of Marshall Rosenberg's earlier writing.
"I can testify then when you are in psychological distress and someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens." —Carl Rogers
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episode explores NVC in the context of social change which was something Marshall Rosenberg was very passionate about.
"It is hard to separate meeting human needs from the needs of the environment: They are one and the same. Meeting the needs of all the phenomena on the planet. Seeing the oneness of it all. Seeing the beauty in that whole scheme, that whole interdependent scheme of life. Life-enriching structures — the kind of structures that I would like to see us creating and participating in — are structures whose vision is to serve life." —Marshall Rosenberg
To read the article referenced in this episode: https://medium.com/@rachellelamb/marshall-rosenbergs-compelling-vision-of-social-change-6c6309baa8e5#.d95x38vd3
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, please submit them here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
There are a lot of people who express a deep desire to be in a significant relationship and yet it eludes them. This episode explores the challenging landscape of finding someone to share one's life with.
Mentions: 1) Indian Matchmaking (available on Netflix); 2) author/psychotherapist Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity).
If you have comments about this episode or topics you'd like me to explore in future episodes, you can reach me here: https://www.rachellelamb.com/contact-rachelle
This episodes explores the intricacies of deepening our capacity to be vulnerable in intimate relationships. It also touches on the wisdom of protecting each other's respective solitude.
" .. once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!" —Raine Maria Rilke
What do we ultimately mean when we ask other to stop coming from their heads? Tune into this episode as we explore head, heart, thinking, feeling, judgemental assessments, rigidity, curiosity .. and deep listening.
Mentions:
The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life by Mark Nepo (https://marknepo.com/books_theexquisite.php)
This episode explores the need for connection and continuity between generations as understood through an Indigenous lens. In it, I read a passage from the book by Rupert Ross titled, Dancing with a Ghost: Exploring Indian Reality (Reed Books of Canada, 1992).
Some Rupert Ross quotes:
The more we cover new ground, the more we feel unconnected to either a familiar past or future, then the more we may also feel a pressing need to leave our mark by building or exploring something new. By going further, faster or higher than anyone has gone before, we may merely be wishing to find some way to erect a sign that says "I was here."
But if, by contrast, we did not think that we travelled a new road alone but an old road worn smooth by our ancestors, would we not be less concerned with such testaments to our presence?
Depending on where you live, the Day of the Dead is celebrated between Oct 31st and Nov 2nd. This episode explores the ways in which various peoples remember and mourn their dead .. and ends with an acknowledgement that MOURNING is a very important need.
This episode explores how easily we use the word "feeling" to describe something that is not true feeling. It also explores how we are more likely to ascribe responsibility for our feelings to others than to ourselves.
"Nonviolent Communication (NVC) heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment." —Marshall Rosenberg
To print off a downloadable FEELINGS & NEEDS list, visit: https://www.rachellelamb.com/free-communication-tools
Marshall Rosenberg described Nonviolent Communication (NVC), in the simplest terms, as a language to share one's aliveness and to make life more wonderful. In his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language Of Life, he opens with 2 important questions: 1) What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? 2) What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances? Rosenberg devotes the rest of the book to answering these questions. This episode explores the question, what is Nonviolent Communication?
The need for safety is frequently spoken in conversations. But what if the way we seek and understand safety actually interferes with our capacity to authentically relate? This episode examines and challenges the need for safety and references the book Undefended Love co-authored by Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons (New Harbinger Publications 2000). Here's a quote from the book: "The capacity to sustain our view of reality in the face of a divergent one while remaining in relationship until and organic resolution is reached is one of the cornerstones of an undefended partnership. Sustaining our own view is not the same as rigidly defending our position as "right." It is a mature capacity to investigate both points of view with equal vigor and dedication, with the realization that there is a third more encompassing reality yet to be known."
In answer to a question about "judgments", Marshall Rosenberg responded, "I’m all for judgments. I don’t think we could survive very long without them. We judge which foods will give us what our bodies need. We judge which actions are going to meet our needs. But I differentiate between life-serving judgments, which are about our needs, and moralistic judgments that imply rightness or wrongness."
It's easy for people to view judgements as inherently wrong, and yet our ability to survive requires that we be able to judge wisely. This episode explores the merits of judgement.
It's hard to say I'm sorry. And part of what makes it so difficult is the way most people are taught to apologize within a 'right/wrong' framework of thinking that is often shaming and fails to get to the heart of matters. Nonviolent Communication encourages the use of language that identifies real feelings and real needs to help us mourn and deepen both our relationships and our humanity. This episode looks at how to express a sincere apology as well as how to receive a sincere apology.
This episode examines our often skewed understanding of needs.
If your narrative of the world and what constitutes a ‘good life' is peddled to you through a human-centric lens, you will almost inevitably view and understand ‘needs' through that same lens. You will devise strategies to meet your needs and the needs of those you care for while paying little heed to the needs of the non-human life upon which your human life is inarguably 100% dependent. The landscape falling off the edge of your lens will be barely visible to you. This of course doesn’t mean that the landscape isn’t there, even if you don’t see it.
https://www.rachellelamb.com/blog/a-balanced-understanding-of-needs
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication) believed that one of our most vital needs is the need to contribute to life. Queen Elizabeth's recent death provides an opportunity to reflect on how the Queen served over the 70 year duration of her reign. Whether listeners are against or for monarchy, there's little doubt that Elizabeth II devoted herself to living a life of service.
This episode offers an excerpt from a live audience workshop prior to the pandemic where 4 ways of alienating communication are described. These are: 1) diagnosis; 2) demand language; 3) denial of personal responsibility, and 4) deserve thinking: punishment and reward.
NVC for Adults is the next group learning opportunity starting September 10th: https://www.rachellelamb.com/courses
It's back to school time! This episode looks at education with a focus on the work of education activist, award-winning teacher and author John Taylor-Gatto.
Resources:
- books by John Taylor-Gatto
- John Taylor Gatto (1935-2018): Remembering America's Most Courageous Teacher by Brittany Hunter
"The premise upon which mass compulsion schooling is based is dead wrong. It tries to shoehorn every style, culture, and personality into one ugly boot that fits nobody.” John Taylor-Gatto
This episodes explores "autonomy" and the ways in which autonomy commonly (mis)understood which have consequence for our relationships:
Resources:
- The Course of Love by Alain de Botton
Questions to reflect on:
- If you live in a part of the world where your freedoms are generally respected, what does autonomy mean to you?
- Do you sometimes confuse autonomy with freedom? Or having a good time? Or things going your way?
- In significant relationships, do you ever compete for the "victim position"? If so, what does it cost you and the relationship?
This episode includes a segment of an interview with MarLisa Hollands exploring themes of selfishness, sharing feelings of disappointment and how a parenting couple discusses their Friday evening plans. The full interview can be heard here.
This episode explores the etymology of the word NEEDS and offers suggestions for how one might speak about the need for love and connection.
Resources:
- etymological reference
This episode explores needs in the context of Nonviolent Communication .. both the needs of humans and the needs of the ecosystem we depend on.
Episode resources:
- Feelings & Needs list is available here: Free Communications Tools
- 8 minute video: Oren Lyons - "We are part of the earth"
- The Long-Legged House by Wendell Berry
- Wendell Berry bio and additional books: Counterpoint Press
“We have lived our lives by the assumption that what was good for us would be good for the world. We have been wrong. We must change our lives so that it will be possible to live by the contrary assumption, that what is good for the world will be good for us. And that requires that we make the effort to know the world and learn what is good for it.” —Wendell Berry
This episode explores the important human needs for autonomy and belonging.
Resources:
- The Continuum Concept: Allowing human nature to work successfully by Jean Liedloff
- Babies, 2010 documentary film
- The Gods Must Be Crazy, 1980 film
In keeping with the theme of keeping the needs of life central to the conversation, in this episode I share a piece I wrote in 2019 underlining how crucial it is that we consider the needs of ALL life. When we adopt a truly life centered approach to relating, it changes how we engage, for the better!
If you have any questions pertaining to either this episode or a relationship challenge, feel free to send them here and I will do my best to include a response in a future episode.
Listeners can access the article referenced in this episode here.
In these challenging times, it is vitally important that we take the needs of all life into consideration.
In the words of Marshall Rosenberg, "It is hard to separate meeting human needs from the needs of the environment: They are one and the same. Meeting the needs of all the phenomena on the planet. Seeing the oneness of it all. Seeing the beauty in that whole scheme, that whole interdependent scheme of life. Life-enriching structures — the kind of structures that I would like to see us creating and participating in — are structures whose vision is to serve life."
Resources:
- The Heart of Social Change by Marshall Rosenberg
- Grieving My Way Into Loving the Planet(in YES Magazine) by award winning author Dhar Jamail, also author of The End of Ice: Bearing Witness and Finding Meaning in the Path of Climate Disruption
- Imagine, a poem by Rachelle Lamb
Any questions after hearing this episode? Please get in touch.
How deeply connected are we to life? In what way does Nonviolent Communication support people in becoming more grounded in their lives .. in relationship with each other and also with the world? We belong to a much larger landscape than the relationship landscape we are often so preoccupied with. Join me in this very first episode of NVC Life.