Thrive Beyond Pornography: Recent Episodes
Zach Spafford
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse. At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do. You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior. The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
This is a rebroadcast of Episode 238, republished as Episode 316. In this pivotal episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography, Zach Spafford breaks down what he calls the Detour Cycle—a five-step process that explains how and why we move away from our values and turn to pornography. From the subtle beginning of a negative narrative to the emotional triggers and the rationalizations that lead to a breach of personal integrity, Zach lays out a clear and practical framework to help listeners understand and interrupt the cycle. If you’ve ever felt stuck in old habits, this episode offers both clarity and a way forward.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Thrive Beyond Pornography is about real change. Overcoming pornography was the hardest challenge of my life and marriage. It shattered my confidence, tainted my most important experiences, and felt impossible to escape.
But I did.
This podcast—and the resources at GetToThrive.com—will help you understand the struggle, break free from pornography, and build a thriving life with your spouse.
At some point, I stepped away from 12-step meetings and counselors. I stopped looking for outside solutions and started figuring out my own mind. That shift changed everything. Here, I share those lessons with you. You’ll get the tools, principles, and mindset shifts you need to reclaim control—starting today.
Whether you're struggling with unwanted pornography use, supporting a spouse, or just feeling stuck, this podcast will help you move forward. You’ll hear real conversations with my spouse, experts in human sexuality, and former users who have broken free.
Thrive Beyond Pornography brings a fresh perspective to your journey, helping you change the way you think—and, ultimately, the way you live.
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Check out episode 238 on the Detour Cycle here: https://www.gettothrive.com/blog/episode-238-the-detour-cycle-navigating-beyond-pornography-with-clarity-and-values
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Listen to the episode on the Detour Cycle Here: https://player.captivate.fm/episode/6d3c3ae5-e06b-40ea-b779-73af6969f272
and find helpful resources at: https://www.gettothrive.com/succeed
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Facebook Live with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: https://www.facebook.com/events/1421984418653221
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Mentioned in this episode:
Intro -LDS
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Mentioned in this episode:
Intro -LDS
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Mentioned in this episode:
Intro -LDS
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
With this podcast or at https://www.zachspafford.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.
At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.
You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.
The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)
Episode 193I'm Zach. And I'm Darcy. We're an LDS couple who struggled with unwanted pornography in our marriage for many years. What was once our greatest struggle and something we thought would destroy us, has become our greatest blessing in trying. Our hope is that as you listen to our podcast each week, you'll be filled with hope and healing and realize that you too can thrive beyond pornography and create the marriage you have always desired.
Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We're so glad you're here and we believe in you.
Hello, my friends. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. I used to believe that I was an addict. Happy Mother's Day, by the way. I think I think, I hope you had a great mother's day, or your wife had a great Mother's Day, or your girlfriend or whoever. I hope that your Mother's Day was amazing.
I used to believe that I was an addict. Whether or not that idea was true or not really isn't the point. What that belief did for me and to me is what I'd like to actually discuss today. So beliefs are a pretty strange thing. They are ideas, understandings, and concepts that help us navigate the world and tell us who we are and they can hold us back or they can drive us forward.
What we believe is really important to the life that we create, what we believe can also really be difficult to change because most of us believe what we think. When thoughts come into our mind, we often believe that they are true, and often we follow the path that they offer us In terms of our actions.
I've talked about this on the podcasts before. I've talked about it in other podcasts that I've done and on other podcasts shows that I've done. But the fastest way to change our beliefs is to change our actions. And I believe that this is true because we can take action in a different direction from our beliefs.
When I feel. Frustrated. I can take an action towards taking care of something instead of staying and being frustrated. I have kids, the example I've often given is I don't want to clean up vomit ever, but I have kids and they have vomited. And there's no amount of, belief work that's gonna help me stop believing that I don't want to clean up vomit.
But if I take action in the direction of what I value, I'm gonna clean that vomit up. But I wanna set aside for a few minutes that idea and just focus on our thoughts and how we can address them in a meaningful way, especially in the face of what seems like a desire to not act. You know when it comes to porn, That's what we're choosing.
That's what we're working on. We're working on not choosing something. We're not doing something which is slightly different than moving towards our values by doing something. When thinking about a problem that seems unfixable or too difficult to resolve new perspectives and unconventional ideas can often be the key to overcoming the obstacles that are holding you back.
So today, To help you with your beliefs, I want to give you three examples of ways you can approach your thoughts and beliefs in a different way. In these examples, I'm gonna share with you some questions that you can ask yourself as you work through overcoming pornography and start creating the life that you want.
So the first thought or the first idea that I want to address is porn is bad and addictive. Starting with this one, which if you are listening to this podcast right now is probably something that you have believed or that you might believe, or that you believe just a little bit, and I think it's a very important thought to address.
Now, you might believe only part of this thought, but it doesn't matter how much of it you do believe. What matters is that at some level, in some way, you believe this thought and is holding you back. Now you might be asking yourself, how can this idea that porn is bad and addictive behold me back? I do believe it, and I know it must be true because everyone I know agrees with me.
And I think for most of us who have lived in a Christian lifestyle, for many of us who have a moral objection to pornography, porn is bad and addictive is part of the process or the thoughts that we've been offered through. Our religiosity now, I think it's important to notice and understand that you now have successfully identified how difficult it is to think differently than we already do about the problems we face.
You have seen how important these thoughts can be within the context and the structure of our daily lives and in our communities. Now it's a good time to start working on the problem from a different perspective. Go along with me for just a few moments, if you will. As we take a walk through your thoughts, ask yourself, how do I feel when I think that porn is bad and addictive?
For me and for most of the people I work with, there's a great deal of anxiety and frustration. Tell me, what do you feel? I'd love for you to email me your response to this exercise. I would, it would be cool to see your reactions and what they are to this particular exercise. So how we feel is this emotional response to the ideas that are offered.
And this is part of the difficulty in resolving our pornography struggle. When we have emotional responses to ideas, they hold more weight and they keep us. Where they are longer, and sometimes that means we stay stuck. Our mind will bring them back more often in an effort to resolve them. So the more emotion there is in an idea, the more often our brain will try to work to resolve it and more, the more often it'll come back and as a result, we create a greater battle over the issue, then we actually might need to resolve it if we didn't have that same.
Intense emotion to it. One of my favorite questions is to ask, can I think of this in a way that's more true? Most of us who've struggled with porn find that it's part of the expected approach to hate or dislike porn. So we call it bad. What if, for instance, we can decide that something isn't for us, or something that we want to have without calling it bad or putting so much emotional weight behind it?
Believing porn is bad and addictive often creates so much emotional weight that it keeps us from resolving our struggle with it. For me, I came to the conclusion that believing porn is bad and addictive doesn't have value because it increases my anxiety that I'm bad because I get aroused when I view pornography.
Now, you might come to a different conclusion, but the goal is to get to a place where you can decide how you want to think about porn from a clean, calm place. The way I did this was to go through this process of questioning what I thought the question, can I think about this in a way that's more true, led me to think.
About what people who don't view porn as bad or addictive do. Think about it. People could argue that porn is great and that it's helped them achieved orgasm for the first time, or it's helped their marriage. It's helped them manage their sex drive. Now, I'm sure that you know people who've made these very arguments, so I'm not creating a false argument.
What I'm saying is they would say the exact opposite of porn is bad. And addictive. They might say porn is good and it's not addictive. In the end on this particular idea, I came to the conclusion that porn is, it exists. It just exists, and I don't have to judge it to know that I don't want it in my life.
For instance, just like Coke, Coca-Cola doesn't have to be bad for me to prefer root beer. Horn doesn't have to be bad for me to prefer. A different kind of sexuality. This allows me to stay grounded without compounding how I feel. And I believe it to be just as true, if not truer, than porn is bad. And addictive porn is just that statement that, that idea holds very little weight for me.
And it also has this sense of being, at least as true a statement as porn is bad or porn is addictive, and it has a lot less emotion. From there, I ask, do I want porn in my life? So w what I'm essentially doing is saying, I'm admitting that porn exists. I don't know if it's bad, I don't know. It's a, if it's addictive.
I don't know that stuff because there's a counter-argument. There are people who would argue against that, and I'm not saying that they're right. What I'm saying is it's hard to, it's hard to really make this argument because on one side there are people who say it's bad there. On the other side, there are people who say it's good, and I'm not really worried about whether or not it is bad or good.
What I want to do is just acknowledge its reality, and then from there, I want to ask myself, do I want it in my life? And the answer comes easier and with a lot less anxiety than you might think. No, I don't want porn in my life because I want connected, intimate sexuality with my partner. So your reason for not choosing porn in your life or ch choosing to not have porn in your life may be different, but what I want you to see is, We can get to a no, I don't want that in my life answer without creating all this anxiety, all the fear that might come from the idea that porn is bad and addictive.
So that's just an idea. It's an opportunity for you to think about it in a slightly different way. That's not for you to say, Zach's wrong. I'm not, I'm not here to argue this point. I'm not trying to make you believe something different. I'm asking you simply to try on a different way of thinking about this and see if it's helpful in lowering the temperature of the way that this is showing up in your life.
Okay. Next thought that lots of people that I work with, deal with and that I have dealt with is looking at porn is inevitable. I might as well well give in. Right now, looking at porn is inevitable. I might as well give in right now. Now you've probably been in a scenario like this where you just kind of like, ah, you know, I've fought all that.
I can fight and it's just gonna take over. At some point, I might as well just give in. A lot of my clients have, and I have believed this thought at some point or some level at some time. This is our brain telling us that it isn't worth the fight to keep porn out of our lives, and everything that we've tried eventually fails anyway.
So why waste the energy? One of the questions that I like to use is this, is this true? That's a really powerful step into a curious. Observant position when our brain offers you the thought that looking at porn is inevitable, and I might as well give in right now. Is it true? Is this true? Is it true that I, it's inevitable, is it absolute that it's inevitable and I, there's no possible way for me to ever not look at porn in this moment? Is that true? Just step in curiously, openly, observantly. And see what you can find. Now imagine this scenario. What if your wife walked in or your significant other walked in, your husband or your wife, and they didn't leave your side for the next, I don't know, 10 hours?
Would it still be true? What if your phone and your computer would the bottom of a lake? Would it still be true that you are going to look at porn? So you might as well quit trying? Is this true? Offers you an opportunity to step back and calmly observe the reality around you, and then make a choice, make a decision to move towards your values.
That's really key to all of this being calm, curiously observing and mindfully coming into the present moment. All increase your chance of making a decision that aligns with your values rather than fighting with your brain until you give in. I will tell you that doing this takes practice and to become proficient at it re requires a little bit of dedication.
And I will also tell you that the more you practice and the more proficient you become at it, the more your brain will automatically do it. In times when your thoughts come that don't align with your values, and you can do this work within my membership, you can sign up to, uh, do a free consult with me.
I'd love to meet with you. zachspafford.com/work withthrive or work with me. Either one of those work. But when your brain is offering you these things, the more you have practiced dealing with them in a non-game time situation, the more likely it is that you'll be able to interact with these ideas calmly, quietly, and quickly, and succeed at.
Managing through them rather than trying to run from them or creating a battle, and that's really important here. Next thought that I love to address, I love having this conversation with people. This is one of my favorite thoughts is I'm powerless against porn. So many people believe this because they have struggled to resolve a pornography issue in their lives, and this idea holds a lot of weight because it pulls those who struggle around and it leaves them feeling hopeless and helpless.
A question I would ask someone who is struggling in with this particular idea, someone who believes this, who they come to me and they're saying, Hey, I'm powerless. I can't seem to resolve this. I would say, what's the value in believing this? Now, this thought in particular is one that comes to us from the 12 steps, but I think it's important to recognize that we.
Kind of just take it on and we own it, even if we haven't really explored the value of it. And this can be a really interesting one to explore because there are reasons why we believe the things that we believe. So for instance, many people believing in their own powerlessness helps them reconcile the disconnect between their values and the choice that they're making to view pornography.
When we choose something that goes against our values like viewing pornography, we can often find it difficult to reconcile our behavior without placing responsibility for that choice outside of us. This may be why people who are religious are more likely to call themselves addicts than people who of non-religious backgrounds.
In order to maintain our sense of self and feel that we're still good. We use this mechanism of addiction language to justify ourselves in spite of our choices. I hope that you don't misunderstand me, because I'm not trying to blame you. I'm not trying to tell you, hey, you're a bad person because you're blaming something outside of you.
I think that this is something we come by, honestly, and it's valuable to the extent that it helps us. Manage the distance that we have between who we're being and who we think we are supposed to be, or who we really want to be. So in essence, the value of believing that I'm powerless against porn helps me see myself as good.
When I see my choices as bad, it helps me bridge that disconnect. It says, oh, this isn't really your fault. Because you are addicted and addiction makes you powerless. You see how that kind of moves you along. So if it's not my fault because I'm addicted and addiction makes me powerless, then. I am not the problem here.
I just need to get something else to resolve this for me. And that's, that can be problematic because nothing can resolve pornography for you. You have to deal with it yourself. But it helps me feel a little bit better because I can feel like I'm not the problem. I'm not really at fault here at some level.
I'm not responsible for this because this thing has power over me. Another way to look at this is, Just re re-attacking this, reviewing this, right? What's the value in believing that I'm powerless against pornography? And that helps us realize that there isn't very much value in believing that I'm powerless if I believe the statement.
I'm powerless against pornography. I give my power away to something that I don't want in my life. I'm powerless against this thing I don't like. If I don't choose, I don't. I don't want to choose to have in my life if I see the statement as false, right? If I see the idea that I'm powerless against pornography is a false idea, by the way, I do believe it's false, then I can maintain my power of ownership.
But if the statement is false and I maintain my power and my ownership over my choices, then I have to become responsible for those outcomes. I have to become responsible for what happened. In fact, it's in essence, this is the opposite of the buck stops here, is I'm powerless against these. These forces, this thing that, that comes.
And I like to ask people, I think I've asked this before on the podcast, when was the last time that pornography came to your house, chained you to a chair and said, we're gonna, we're gonna get naked and you're gonna watch. I don't think that's ever happened to anybody. If you're listening to this podcast and that has happened to you, I would love to hear that story because I think it would be a very interesting.
Story, but I don't think it's ever happened to anybody. And if it has happened to you, I'm sorry that's happened to you, but many of us don't wanna be responsible for the outcomes because they don't fit the narrative that we all want to tell about ourselves. I wanna believe that I'm a good person as a result.
I don't want to believe that I am choosing something that goes against my values. That's a, that I think is one of the most powerful reasons why we choose to believe. I'm powerless against porn. I know that I wanted to believe in my own powerlessness against porn because it allowed me to still, see myself in the best light.
Once I gave up this idea, it cleared the way for me to fully embrace my ability to choose and have agency, which then meant that I had to be responsible for the outcomes. And now this can be a pretty harsh reality. A lot of us don't want to face the reality that we are choosing this activity, that we are in fact not powerless.
We often don't want to face the idea that we are the ones making this decision at at least some level. We wanna push that off onto somebody else and that can be convenient. It can feel good. It can even feel valuable in the sense that if I can push this off onto something else, then you know, when I'm face my wife, I can say, this isn't my fault.
Or when I face my family or bishop or whatever, this isn't my fault. And when we take on the responsibility we can let go of that idea and we actually get more power back. We become empowered to make different choices. Even if we continue to choose pornography, we know that at the very least we're doing it because it's something we chose, not because we're powerless.
And I think that that, going back to what's the value in believing, I'm powerless. That's, that takes away my culpability. What's the value in believing that I'm not powerless and that I'm choosing it? At the very least, I am not trapped by something I can't control. To me, that's the very least thing that I get out of in, in terms of the value in believing that I am not powerless.
I get to understand or own the idea that I'm not the victim of something here, and I don't wanna be a victim. I wanna be empowered. What I hope that you find in all these questions, in this particular question, but in all these questions is an elevated sense of reality, more clearly defined and more capably addressed.
I, I hope that you, at the very least, if you wanna keep believing any of these, looking at porn is inevitable. I might as well give in now, or I'm powerless of porn against porn. Or porn is bad and addictive, I hope. If if you wanna keep believing those, that's okay, but I hope that you just try on these different ways of approaching it.
Ask yourself these questions. What's my, what's the value in believing this idea? Which I think is a really great question, especially when our brain is bringing us stuff that, really goes against the grain of our understanding. Is this true? That's another great...
Episode 192Zach Spafford: I'm Zach. And I'm Darcy. We're an LDS couple who struggled with unwanted pornography in our marriage for many years. What was once our greatest struggle and something we thought would destroy us, has become our greatest blessing in trying. Our hope is that as you listen to our podcast each week, you'll be filled with hope and healing and realize that you too can thrive beyond pornography and create the marriage you have always desired.
Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We're so glad you're here and we believe in you.
Hey everybody and welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. This week I wanna talk about control. You know, I used to think that I just needed to control my thoughts and that my wife, Darcy w just needed to help me control my urges by having sex with me and then, you know, and making sure she was checking my web browser and holding me accountable and punishing me when I fail in that process.
I was letting go of control of some things that I needed to take responsibility for, and then I was also working to control some things that aren't controllable. Today we're gonna talk about controlling the right things to create a life beyond pornography so you can thrive and overcome pornography for good.
But before we do that, I want to invite you to come and see a free class on how you can quit born in just 12 weeks. I'd love to be, love to have you there. I'd love for you to watch and in and ask all the questions you want. I will answer every question that you have. I will help you start solving this problem today.
Go to z spafford.com/. Free call and you can join for free. It's a great opportunity to just figure out, okay, what do I need to do next? Okay, so let's break this down into two aspects. What are the things that we can't control and we need to let go of, and what are the things that we can control and need to take responsibility for?
So starting with the things that we cannot control, one of the very first things that we need to understand is that there are two types of control strategies, external strategies and internal strategies. External control strategies are really good for external problems, things that are outside of you that you can physically see, touch or feel, and that if you move halfway around the world, would gen generally stop being a problem.
External problems are things like the story of pot's wife. Joseph serving in the household of an influential Egyptian leader caught the eye of his boss's wife, and now through willpower and motivation, he could physically distance himself from POT'S advances physically.
Once removed from her physically, not succumbing to her advances becomes somewhat easy, becomes not really a problem because from a, from a living, my moral standpoint, I don't see this person and therefore I don't have to worry about whether or not she's gonna seduce me. It's pretty simple. The problem with these kinds of strategies is that willpower and motivation are really short-acting solutions.
That only work on what are called finite problems, and I've talked about finite problems on the podcast before, but your brain. Is not a finite problem, and it's not a short-term problem. It's not a finite or short-term part of your life. It's the only thing that you get to take with you everywhere and all the time.
External strategies are things like distracting yourself, leaving the situation. And not going into the situation in the first place to name a few. So you can see how what you're doing right now with pornography might be a little bit like that. You know, you might be leaving situations early, you might be distracting yourself from things that your brain might not think is good for you in the long term, but might feel good right now.
And you might just be avoiding going to certain things like the beach or whatever. Let me give you an example from one of my clients. We'll call him Bill. He noticed a woman when he was at the airport on a business trip, and she was beautiful. She was well dressed. She was just the sort of woman who would catch his eye and start the process of trying to distract himself so he wouldn't go searching on the internet.
When thoughts or ideas come to mind, he would think. Of his next meeting, he would try to engage his brain in work, things he would think about, the phone calls he needed to be making, that sort of thing. When those thoughts and ideas persisted, he would get up. He would walk around the airport, you know, he would go get himself a snack at the, at the food court.
That might work for a time as long as he didn't see any other attractive women. If you think about it, You're seeing this attractive woman and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, okay, I'm gonna go over here. Oh wait, there's another attractive woman. Now I have to go somewhere else. You start to see them everywhere and all of a sudden your brain's running amuck with these ideas that you might have to run from all the time, and that's, that's pretty problematic.
The thoughts or the ideas would generally con return more often than not. Until he got to a place where he felt like he was taking up too much energy to fight with these ideas, these thoughts, or these temptations, and he would get to a place where he basically thought, I might as well just give in. This is not gonna go in away until I do.
And I don't know if you have had that scenario in your life. I know. I have felt like, uh, you know, I'm getting to a place where if I don't just give in, I'm gonna have to fight with this all day long and for the rest of the week. Using external strategies, bill began setting up a battle in his own mind that he knew would end in failure.
He was trying to control his thoughts, and he was failing miserably. So letting go of control of your thoughts, ideas, urges and emotions is the only way to gain the solid footing that we need to resolve our unwanted pornography struggle. It's the only way to stop struggling and start living in the present moment capable of effectively addressing the intrusive or unwanted thoughts.
And of course, we dive deeper into this in individual coaching and in our membership, but it is essential that we recognize that we cannot control our thoughts. We can address them, we can learn not to let them pull us around. Uh, or hook us into behaving contrary to our values, but we can't actually control them.
This mindful approach to openly working with and through thoughts in a way that is collaborative rather than combative, creates space for our brain to rewire. The pathways that have taken us toward porn in the past. So let me give you one skill that you can use to practice letting go of control of your brain.
And I've talked about this on the podcast, so I'm gonna touch on it briefly. You can go back and I will link to another show where I teach this more thoroughly. But you can utilize a skill called nab. Notice a name, allow, and ask. Breathe, and be kind. What you wanna do with this, and it's very simple, but it is a skill that you can a hundred percent practice and a hundred percent make doable even in the moment, as long as you practice it beforehand many, many times.
You want to notice what your brain is doing. Oh, my brain's offering me porn. So we're just kind of coming to an awareness and we're stepping back and becoming the observer of our brain rather than being in our mind. The next thing we wanna do is name the thing that's happening. So let's take Bill's example.
This is the story about how this woman is gonna lead me, or noticing this woman's beautiful is gonna lead me towards porn because I'm gonna struggle with it for a few hours. Okay. And that is what the name of this story is for Bill. It's the story of how porn is inevitable. E essentially the next thing we're gonna do is we're gonna allow it to be there.
We're not gonna fight with it. We're not gonna try and run from it. We're not going to freak out. We're not gonna place new thoughts in the, in the place of this thought. We're just gonna allow that thought to be there. This has to be done from a comb position. So this is like, The advice that every mom has ever given to a kid who is fighting with their sibling about the noise they're making.
And it's, it's essentially if you, you know, your mom would say, just ignore him. He'll go away. We're not gonna ignore this thought so much as we are going to allow it. And eventually it will actually go away. And it's not that we're going to. Allow it and say, okay, I'm gonna keep going down this path. We are going to be the calm presence in this thought process.
Stepping back again, we're stepping back from this thought. We're stepping back from our brain. We're becoming the watcher of our mind instead of the, the part of our mind that's doing the reactive part of our mind, and we're just gonna allow it to be there as we stay in a calm and observant place. And then we're going to ask questions, is believing this thought helpful?
Is it help me to do the things that I want to do? If I believe this thought, is this gonna help me become the person I want to be? Those kinds of questions allow you to curiously and objectively observe this thought as it exists without having to do anything about it. We're just coming from a position of curiosity, calm, and.
Observance. Okay, then we're gonna breathe and be kind. And the reason I like breathing is cuz you can do it anywhere at any time. Everybody's breathing all the time. So we're just gonna take 10 deep breaths as we allow this thought. And what that does is it brings your mind and your body some extra fuel.
That's what oxygen is to your brain. It brings your mind and your body some extra fuel, which helps us make good decisions. And that's all we're doing. We're coming present by taking some deep breaths and being with our body. Nothing complicated, right? Last thing you're gonna do is you're gonna be kind. I know that so many of you think I shouldn't think these thoughts.
The thing is your brain is going to think what it thinks. It's gonna offer you things all the time. And the more energy and emotion we put into these thoughts, the more likely they are to return. So the more kind we can be and less, uh, emotional or excited that we can be about these thoughts, the less likely those thoughts are to come back to us.
That's what we're working through. That's what we're trying to do. The more you practice this before your brain offers you things, the more likely it is to automatically be available to you in the moment. That's the thing that you can do. The, let those thoughts and the, the, the idea of being able to control your brain, go.
Okay. Now what are the things that we can control and that we do need to take responsibility for? So one of the things that we can control, I just talked about it, is practicing our diffusion techniques before they come up, before the moment of the need. The more we practice them, the more likely it is that we're able to use those diffusion techniques in the moment.
And when people ask me questions like whether they should have an accountability partner or what browser filter they should use, I often say the same thing. There's only one system that will work for creating accountability and filtering what you choose to select on the internet. That's your brain. I know for me and many of my clients, the accountability partners only work as well as I worked them and.
They never truly kept me from choosing porn, especially if I was struggling, especially if I didn't have these other ways of dealing with what my brain was offering me. Right? So essentially an accountability partner is a, is a distraction technique. So if I'm in the middle of that moment, just like Bill would be, and my brain is offering me porn and it's like, Hey, you know, you can go look for women that look like this or dressed like this.
My brain is doing that, and then I'm like, I'm just gonna call my accountability partner. I've only distracted myself. From that moment, I haven't actually dealt with it. That's the big difference in taking control and accountability for what we can control and letting go of control of things we can't control.
Our brain is gonna offer us ideas. We need to be able to control dealing with those ideas. In a way that draws us towards our values. So as far as internet browsers, filters, or filtering systems are concerned, I'll just tell you the experience of one of my clients who found that he was constantly looking for holes in the system because his brain was trying to see if he was quote unquote safe.
It's kind of silly, right? He set up all these systems and then his brain's like, well, let's go see if this system is safe by trying to poke holes in it, right? You can see where that becomes problematic. He was setting a dynamic up where, His wife was monitoring his internet usage. And if you're setting up a dynamic where your my wife monitors your internet usage, engages in sexual activity solely based on your urges or punishes you for failing to comply, that creates an adversarial relationship with the person that you actually want to be most aligned with, and who is most, uh, attuned and, uh, equipped to be your partner.
Taking responsibility for all of these and, um, you know, we could go in depth, in, in ways that you can actually take responsibility for each of those components of the way that you're engaging with your sexuality. But taking responsibility for all of these things that you can and that you are responsible for is an essential key to resetting the dynamic in your relationship and in your mind around your own sexuality and your pornography struggle.
For instance, taking control of when you choose to engage with your partner sexually. That looks like not engaging in duty sex, but only in sex that both of you desire. For example, you know, another component, and we've talked about that here on the podcast with Darcy and on other podcasts, but, You know, making sure that you are only choosing to engage sexually when it is a mutually chosen activity, rather than one that is designed to manage one partner or the other.
Another component is to stop asking your spouse to be your accountability partner and just make them your partner. Be open, honest, and integrated with them. But don't make them responsible for holding you accountable. I know that might seem a little bit strange or different than maybe anything else that you've heard, but I promise you it's it, it works because it's different.
Here's why. Your spouse can never actually be in charge of who you are. Or who you're being and still be your equal. Now, of course, I'm not saying they won't help you notice and see things that you may not be able to see. They may not, you know, I'm not saying that they won't be mad or upset or frustrated when you aren't living up to the shared and agreed upon values that you have both decided on.
But the moment that you put yourself in a one down position to them, or that they put themselves in a one up position to you is the moment that you're no longer partners. Taking control of your behavior and managing your own behavior and not asking them to manage or make you accountable to them is. It seems different than maybe anything you've ever been offered, but I want to promise you if you will do that, you will start to see your agency and your own accountability increase and your capacity to actually choose the thing that you want based on the values that you wanna live, will increase, and you'll be able to be the person more likely, be able to be the person that you actually want to be.
I hope this is helpful. I hope you can understand, or have you been able to get a little bit of understanding out of this, that maybe there's a little bit of a change, a little bit of a tweak that you can make to improve your processes, to improve the way that you're going forward. I love talking about this.
If you have questions. Send me an email. I want to, I wanna hear from you. I wanna hear what it is that is kind of hanging you up. Or you can set up a free consult with me, z spafford.com/work with Thrive. Would love to have a conversation with you, would love to work with you to help you really eliminate pornography.
Most of the people I work with eliminate their pornography struggle in a very short span of time, like 12 weeks and sometimes even less, just depending on how hard they work, the tools, and how quickly they assimilate these new ideas. All right, my friends, I'll talk to you next week.
Episode 190I'm Zach. And I'm Darcy. We're an LDS couple who struggled with unwanted pornography in our marriage for many years. What was once our greatest struggle and something we thought would destroy us has become our greatest blessing in trying. Our hope is that as you listen to our podcast each week, you'll be filled with hope and healing and realize that you too can thrive beyond pornography and create the marriage you have always desired.
Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We're so glad you're here and we believe in you.
Hey everybody. Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, and today I have a couple of special guests with me friends of mine and people who I have enjoyed working with and have coached. Greg and Amy Langford. They are gr. Amy, why don't you guys tell your, tell us a little bit about yourselves.
I know Amy is a life coach in her own right and she's pretty awesome. But why don't you guys tell us a little bit about yourselves and. Hey. Yeah, it's it's great to be here, Zach. I appreciate you having us on. We've been married for 25 years now. During that time, we've we've had our ups and our downs and, and struggles, but It's about several years ago, Amy got into life coaching and we've learned a lot about ourselves and what we can do to have a better relationship.
And so it's been a really exciting journey here for the last few years and I really appreciated her learning that and be able to share that with me. And so we're grateful to be on here and be able to talk about our journey and hopefully it will help some other folks along the way. Yeah, I appreciate that.
Amy, anything you wanna add to that? Sure. I'll add that we have four kids and and love them, and our oldest is married now. And as they are starting into their own relationships and lives, the conversations that we've had between us have opened up a lot of on honest conversations with them as well in all of these areas.
And so not only. At the beginning, I feel like when we discovered this, it felt like our Achilles heel that was going to take us down as a marriage where we thought like, we're such a great team and we're such a great pair, and this is gonna be the thing that takes us down. And it ended up being the thing that brought us most together and developed us the most.
And on top of that has really, I feel like also accelerated our ability to have conversations with our children too. . So when you say the thing that was gonna bring you down, I think you're talking about pornography. Yes. Sorry. Yeah, no, that's cool. Why do you think you felt that way, either of you? I feel like the messaging that I received around it was that this was the most sinful thing that could happen, and it was equivalent to like my husband cheating on me and breaking the marriage vows.
And if that was. , you know, and the betrayal from that. And also when we went in for our first like when after we found it and then went into our first counselor, the counselor literally said like, he'll never recover and this is an addiction. So it felt like now we have this thing that's going to take all the goodness and all of the strength that we have as a couple, and this is going to be the thing that destroys it.
Yeah, I, I would've to agree. I mean, I really think it's the shame that you're build up from a very young age. We've been given that shame from the way we were raised, but also from the culture we were brought up into. Right. Sex was such a thing that they didn't want to talk about or, or bring up.
And really, you know, we talked about Satan's slippery slide. Like, if, you know, you go down this slide, there's no return. So to me, it was all the expectations that were put on yourself and the things that you've been brought to you and the shame behind it that kept it. From wanting not to be honest with Amy from the first place.
Right? And so when that was discovered and in our situation, it wasn't something I went to Amy to, she discovered it, which I think was even probably worse because it was the, not only the betrayal, but the dishonesty between us, that, that became the problem. So for me, really it was. the way that we had been raised and taught that this was such an awful thing.
And not that we're going out and praising and saying everyone should view porn and that's what we wanna do. Right. But we definitely had put a lot of power in it. And because that power was there when it, when the atomic bomb went off, it felt like an atomic bomb for sure. So Amy discovers you choosing pornography and all of a sudden, What happened?
Yeah. I'll, I'll never forget it, right? Uh, I woke up Sunday morning and Amy was standing next to the bed and had a look that I'd never seen before in her face. And, um, I had no idea what was about to happen to me, but she she came at me and let me know that she had found what I had been looking at on the computer and there was no hiding it.
The instant feeling was of terror. Um, you know, is my marriage gonna last? Uh, what's gonna happen? Well, obviously I, I didn't have anything to say, right? I didn't have any explanation. I couldn't, uh, couldn't lie it away. This time it was very obvious what happened. I remember calling the bishop and asking to go, you know, go visit him at that time.
And having that, starting that process. There was so much confusion around it. I think that was the problem. Right. Here again, Amy talked about how she had been betrayed and she thought, really, I literally had cheated on her because of this. My bishop really didn't know how to handle it. Right. He didn't have any emotional or understanding what I was going through or why I might be doing this.
Right. It was just, you know, this was bad. Sent us to A therapist that Amy talked about that told me I was a complete addict and that I would, I had this problem that I'd never get over. So there was a lot of confusion around it, right? And all it did was push us away from each other. There was no coming together.
I remember at one point, probably at my lowest lows at that point where the bishop had come over to our house and, um, you know, I was sleeping on the couch. I went to stay with my mom for a little bit. We were just really confused what was going on. . And after a conversation after the bishop had come over, Amy said something to the effect that, you know, I love you cuz you're a son of our healthy father.
But you know, that's the, that that's the only thing. And it was literally like the biggest gut punch I'd ever had in my life. Because here I knew that it was me, that I had brought this upon our family and destroyed our family, seeing the hanway because of my evilness. And that was the story that was being told to me.
Wow. . Amy, what, when you found out and you're standing over that bed and you're looking at Greg and all of those thoughts and feelers of running through your head, what, what was going on for you?
I think I felt so hurt and so betrayed and and I I was shocked. , like it really was shocking to me. . I think the dishonesty was a huge source of betrayal. And then also like all of the messaging like we've been talking about that I had of the meaning of what I had found and what it meant about him, and it, it brought up things like, do I even know you?
And, you know, like is what else is a lie and what else is true? And like, am I, have I been partaking in this life? That's like a lie. And so it just, it can completely. Shattered so many things that I, I didn't have any way to look at these pieces with any meaning that was helpful and all of it was just hurtful and all of it was destructive, and there was actually no help for me.
No one ever talked to me. There was no like other woman or other person. And so it all went inside me because at that point it was shameful. to admit it to anyone, and there was no hand reached out in my direction. Yeah. Well, and I wonder, you know, I think a lot of, especially in the church, I think a lot of church leaders just don't know what to do for the wives.
No it's this it's this position of, you're, you're gonna destroy your marriage and there's nothing we can do about it except for punish him. Mm-hmm. , that's, , that's so frustrating to think about. And that's not, I don't think that's anybody's fault. I just think that's unfortunately the, the, the bag we've been given and we have to deal with it.
But yeah, it's, it is definitely a fine line that you walk, right, because the wife has been such betrayal at that point. Right. And it has, or the spouse, you know, it can be other ways, but most likely it's the wife. As in such a betray though. But we know, we've come to know, and we'll get to all this stuff when we talk about it, that there's, you know, we both played into that role, right?
there was a role that Amy played, and there was a role that I played that got us to that point. But it's at that point, if you don't have the tools necessary to be able to have that conversation, you're just gonna end up destroying one or the other, or both. Right. Because I can't imagine our bishop that time coming and saying, well, Amy, you played a role on this.
You know, let's talk about all the things you've done that could cause this. I mean, that would've gone terribly bad, right? Yeah. And so again, there's just not. , there's not the tools out there to be able to have the real discussion, to get down to the crux of what's causing the issue and what really is the issue.
Right. Porn to me is very much the smoke to a, a lot, lot bigger fire. Right. And the things that underly are heavier and burning and more destructive than the, the porn itself. And we just focus on that smoke and cause it to be what the problem is. But we didn't have any, the tools or anybody that could help us understand what that burning fire was or anything.
Hope, grace said something. Oh, go ahead. Oh, no, like, I mean, I felt like at that time there was literally no strand or no meaning or no thread anywhere to grab onto and say there's hope, like there's a way to work through this, or a way to heal your pain, or a way to find out why or a way to like navigate this.
There was literally nothing. Yeah. Yeah. So when, when you're in that position of I don't have a way to solve this, and, and Greg said something that's a little bit, we'll call it controversial, that you guys were responsible together for this scenario. And I wanna touch on that for a bit. Amy, can you tell us what your thoughts are on that idea?
Yes. So my part to play in this was I was emotionally underdeveloped and was relying on Greg to take care of. Or wanting him to take care of literally all of my emotions, all of my stress, all of my anxiety. And I was constantly pulling on him for that. And it was so overwhelming to him to first of all manage himself and let alone manage me and all of my emotions.
And we didn't have a way to understand like, , like I thought that was his job, . And obviously you were told that was his job, by the way. Right? I was told that was he told you that his job and he thought it was his job too. And so the weight of a lot of that was that overwhelm is what led him into looking for that buffer through porn.
Right. So my part in it was being emotionally underdeveloped and constantly pulling in him for that. And not only that, in my emotional underdevelopment a lot of times, , I relied on him in all intimacy ways. I was also sexually underdeveloped and didn't know who I was or what my sexuality was, and relied completely on him for that.
And that was also another thing that led him there. So, so, can you expand on that just a little bit? Like what does it mean in, in practical terms, to be emotionally underdeveloped in such a way that your husband chooses. To hide from you. It means that I thought it was his job to fix all of my emotions and was constantly bringing all of them to him to fix and, and laying them at his feet.
Like, you gotta figure out how to solve my stress with these kids. How to solve my overwhelm with these babies. You've gotta make more money. You've gotta, um, make me feel better about myself and make me love my body. And you've got to, like, I was laying all of those at his feet and everyone's realizing they were actually mine.
Gotcha. So, does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. So, Greg, from your perspective now, I, I imagine in the, in the depths of this, you had no vocabulary for anything that we're talking about now, right? So I can, I can imagine looking back, you can see some things from your perspective, what was going on for you?
that you're like, I can't trust Amy with this problem. Yeah, I mean, um, you know, we're, we're taught that we're supposed to be the strong family character, you know, that we're the ones that we're the family head, we're the lead. If it's up to us to make it, if we don't make it the, the whole family's going to hell and hand basketing, it's our fault.
Right. Um, and you gotta be the strong one. So, when, when your spouse is bringing all those issues, uh, emotional and security and, um, potential, you know, financial issues to, to you. If you've been taught that you are, that's your responsibility. That's what you do, right? And you're gonna do everything you can to make sure you, you, you can do that.
And even when, so when. . I was doing that and not having a, realizing I had a problem. I mean, I knew that watching porn wasn't a good thing. Like I didn't think like, yeah, this is great for our marriage. Right? I knew even worse that lying to her was even, was even worse. But at that point it was a super nice guy, right?
I was gonna do everything that I could to take care of her. I didn't wanna put any more burden on her cuz it was my responsibility and, um, , if she was already emotionally unstable, if I would've brought this to her, my thought was just, I don't know what happened, right? I would've either put her in a place that was very, very unhealthy.
Uh, you know, our marriage, Mary, there was no, the thought of doing it, the destruction that happened after that. There was no concept of me thinking I could bring it to her there in a safe way, and that was true. . It's interesting, and I think people hear this idea that this is a co-creation and they want to immediately thrust back all responsibility to the man or to the person choosing pornography.
That's not to say by the way that, you know, Amy, you weren't responsible for him choosing pornography, but you were responsible for an environment in which, if he was choosing pornography, , it would be difficult for him to confide in you what was real and what was intimately going on with him when he was alone with himself.
Right. And I, I think we, we do pe we do ourselves a disservice to rust all that in back onto the person who's done the bad thing, because I don't think that that's fair. That's not to say by the way, that, you know, again, Amy, you're, you weren't obviously responsible for his choices, but. Can you, can you articulate for us any thoughts you have about that idea where instead of it being Greg's problem, when you took on responsibility for your own part in this reality, how that changed the dynamic between the two of you and your own capacity in this struggle?
Absolutely. I think how that changed, it was like really like night and day changed. Um, . First of all, I didn't know, I, I didn't realize that I could take on my own emotions and so like, life coaching has helped me learn how to understand that and how to process through them and take ownership of them. But the thing was, is I couldn't tolerate his honesty yet because I wasn't honest with myself yet.
And so growing honest with myself allowed me to be able to tolerate his honesty and he also to tolerate my honesty and our ability to. be more honest, has exponential or like it has increased and increased and increase, and increase and increase. Not the type of honesty that is cruel or unkind, but the type of honesty that is very raw and real and open and vulnerable.
This is not like attacking each other. This is like, Recognizing how you are difficult or how you aren't contributing or how you're expecting someone else to solve something for you or how you are not taking ownership. Um, yeah, I really like what you're saying there cuz what my wife has a, a grandma who says the meanest thinks and it's "honesty" in air quotes for, for those of you listening on, on the radio) right, it's. She's just mean, and she says mean things, and she thinks she's just being honest. And that's, I don't think that's what you're talking about. No, I don't think cruelty is honest. No. I think in fact the real, the real essence of honesty is very raw and vulnerable and kind, and it doesn't come out cruel.
No. There's all kinds of intent behind it. Right? And it depends on the intent behind it, right? If you're. , even if you're being, being honest, so that you can throw away your baggage to someone else, that's not the right purpose. Right. If you're being honest through, like we said, to be cruel, that's not the right purpose.
And it's really, and, and by the way, just so everyone can understand, this took a long, a very, very long time. Right? First of all, cause we didn't have the tools for a very, very long time. And then when we got the tools, we would learn little bits of a at at a time and get things better. But it felt like it was a real struggle to.
You know, as Amy said, it's night and day. It is night and day, but it really did take some time to be able to get there. And, and there's very vivid moments in our relationship where a little more honesty came out. We didn't quite handle it correctly. We regressed, we worked. We worked, worked a little more honesty came out, we handled it better.
It went on for a little while and then it, it felt like it built and built and built like a snowball. I feel like probably in the last year or so, that snowballs hit the top of the mountain and come roaring down. And the, and the relationship on the other side is unbelievable. Like I just keep pinching myself every once in a while.
Is this really, is this really us? Right. And it's, yeah. You know, intimacy, it's, it's ugly, right? People wanna be intimate cuz they want, they think it's great and lovely and it's hard and it sucks sometimes. And, uh, I've had Amy tell me some of the things of the hardest things I've ever heard. But it's when you try to finally get to that top of that mountain and can push it over where you feel like no matter what's going on inside of me, I have a soft place to go land.
And then that's Amy. I can bring that problem with Amy. I mean, even during those years, there were points where I wouldn't view for a very long time. Right. And then I would. I wouldn't even say mess up, but I would see something and do something that, that I don't think I probably should have, but I still didn't have that so place where I could go to Amy and land like, so it really was this big this, this lot of effort getting, getting there.
But when we got there, it was night and day. Uh, depend what our relationship was. . Yeah. At first when we learned the tools, we used them as weapons against each other, . And then we did this move where we were like so entangled with each other. We came like completely separate, like you know, like this not healthy independence.
And then had to learn to lean in and then had to learn to keep moving in that honesty. So there's been a lot of stages over the years and I think each one was another. Step in the right direction, even if they weren't all clean and beautiful and...
Are you wondering if you're ready to overcome pornography? Find out the signs that suggest it's time for a change and learn how to create an effective plan with helpful, friendly advice from Thrive Beyond Pornography.
Are you feeling overwhelmed by the grip that pornography has taken on your life? Have the cravings become too much and are you ready to take action to quit porn for good? If so, it's important for you to know that with honest effort and dedication, freedom from this battle is possible. The journey may be tough, but if you're willing to do the work, try new things and approach it from a different perspective, then success is not only achievable – it can even be life-changing! Today, we'll walk through 2 essential steps you need to understand in order to begin living free from porn.
Costs outweigh the benefits
One of the biggest things that is a struggle for many of the people that I work with is understanding what the costs and benefits of viewing pornography can be.
You might be looking at this Thinking that there can be no benefit to viewing pornography. Especially if you are morally opposed to the practice and have been trying to eliminate it from your life.
But I want you to be clear, if there were no benefit to choosing to view pornography, you probably wouldn't do it. I've used this analogy before, if you think about sucking your thumb as a baby, that activity performed a meaningful function and helped soothe you. However, at some point, the benefit of self-soothing through thumb sucking began to be outweighed by the costs of it. for example, my 10-year-old son might still suck his thumb, although I haven't seen it in a while. he is definitely more secretive about it than he was previously if he does. At some point, he realized that 10-year-old boys don't usually suck their thumbs.His older siblings tease him about it, and his peers aren't doing it. so at some point, he has decided that thumb-sucking, at least in public, has lower benefits than the cost of his siblings' teasing or his peers' sideways glances.
When it comes to pornography, one of the key components that we have to address is the benefit that pornography has had in our life. This is pretty important because it allows us to understand ourselves and what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography. When we understand what we are trying to gain by choosing pornography, we get a much clearer picture of what we need to do to eliminate pornography from our lives.
For instance, if pornography has helped you manage anxiety around work projects, then you can seek more effective ways to manage anxiety around your work projects that align with your values. Or, if pornography has helped you stop feeling lonely, then one of the things that you can do to move toward your values is to learn new ways to engage your loneliness and practice them regularly.
What many of us do instead is try to use mental tricks to tell ourselves that porn is disgusting. Working with a client, I once asked him how he wants to feel when he thinks about pornography and his response was exactly this, he said, "I want to feel disgusted."
Unfortunately, what this actually creates for us is a sense that WE are disgusting because we like something that we feel is supposed to disgust us.
Being more real about it can also help us align more effectively with our values. Telling myself that porn is disgusting is a pretty tough sell because of how I feel when I'm viewing it. I generally don't think that arousal is disgusting so telling myself that something that creates arousal is disgusting can be a complicated set of mental gymnastics. If, however, I choose to acknowledge that pornography can be arousing and outside of my moral compass, I can reduce the shame and acknowledge my desire to not choose pornography while acknowledging the biological reality that sexuality is important.
Darcy put it to me this way once, growing up, she always wore tank tops. It was one of her go-to clothing choices because they were comfortable, and she had sweaty armpits. When she joined the church and made covenants to wear her garments, she gave up wearing tank tops. She didn't have to tell herself that tank tops are disgusting or immoral to make a choice to align herself with her values more fully.
It simply became that the cost of wearing tank tops outweighed the benefits of choosing to wear her garments.
For many who are struggling to eliminate pornography use from their lives, this kind of analysis can offer clarifying perspective without creating or magnifying the shame often associated with Pornography use that falls outside their values.
Two questions I would recommend that you use are first, "What are the real benefits that I have gained from choosing pornography even though it is outside my values?" and, “What are the costs of my continued pornography viewing choices in light of my values and who I want to be?"
Wanting to overcome pornography vs committed to overcoming pornography
In addition to understanding the costs and benefits of choosing pornography outside of our values, it's important to take a clean look at whether we want to overcome pornography or we are committed to overcome pornography.
I realize that this may seem like a fine distinction, but I believe that words matter and the things that we say, think, and believe make a difference.
So let's take a look at the difference between wanting something and being committed to achieving something.
How many times have you said, “I want” followed by a statement that you know is never going to happen or that you are not really going to follow through with. For example, “I want to quit this job.” or “ I want to buy a new truck.” or “ I want to take my whole family on vacation to Europe in the next few years.” or, even, “I want to eat more healthy.”
You could think of anything that you want but that you aren't willing to put in the time, effort, energy, or resources to get. That is what wanting looks like.
Being committed looks totally different. They may start in a similar place, a place of desire for something better, but that is where they diverge onto completely different paths.
With wanting, we stay in a place of daydreaming and wonder what it would be like for that thing to be real. Being committed quickly leaves the land of daydreaming and moves on to plans, processes, execution, and evaluation on repeat until our desire is realized.
I want to be clear here, some of you are not in the land of daydream. Some of you are in a place of committed to overcoming pornography and have been working on that commitment for many years. Wanting isn't your problem; not having the right tools for the job is probably the issue. So if you are listening to this and have been planning, creating processes, executing those processes, and evaluating them, please don't think that you do not want it enough because you haven’t made it happen yet. There is a good chance you just need some assistance. Let me help you with that, there is no shame in needing a guiding hand in the process of doing something you’ve never done before. Sign up for our free webinar at zachspafford.com/freecall. I’ll put a link in the show notes for you.
If you are listening to this and wondering how do I know if I just want this because it seems like something I’m supposed to do or am I committed to actually making this change ask yourself this question, “Why do I believe it's important for me to make this change - who really matters most in the decision?"
When the why and the who both point inward at yourself, then you’ll be most committed. That’s not to say you can’t be committed with external motivations, it’s just a bit harder.
One of the most challenging things that happens to pornography users when they choose pornography contrary to their own moral values is the destruction of their sense of self.
This is probably the number one driver of shame among those who struggle with pornography. You’ve probably experienced this too, if you view pornography and are also opposed to viewing pornography.
Today I’d like to break down what this looks like so you can really get a handle on what is happening and offer you one thing that you can do to appropriately address your brain when it offers you porn.
When I struggled with porn, I found that two internal conversations were pretty typical as I tried to quit. The first was a conversation with Heavenly Father that centered around Him taking away this problem, and I would be so much better at everything. The second was around how this would be the last time, and I would use all my willpower and motivation to make that happen. Essentially, each time I wanted to quit porn, I would have a talk with myself about how I was going to be strong and not let it happen again. Meanwhile, I was asking God to take over my agency so I never wanted to choose porn again.
Here’s what that did to me. First, I didn’t understand or recognize that God would not interfere with my agency, so I was, in effect, asking Him to do something that I don’t believe He was or is willing to do, based on my current understanding of agency. Basically, I believe agency requires that we are able to make choices for ourselves and that means that when we ask God to take away our choice to view pornography, I don’t think that’s in line with His commitment to our independence of agency.
When he didn’t stop me from having feelings, desires, or choosing porn that would in turn, impact my faith in God and whether he would answer my prayers, and whether I felt worthy to be loved by Him or to receive His blessings.
You may not feel this way, I know I did, so I thought it would be important to share it with you in the hopes that if you have felt this way at all or haven’t quite been able to articulate this issue, that now you might be able to.
The second conversation, the one I was having with myself about how much effort and willpower and motivation I would put into this time being the last time really left me with a lowered sense of self. My self-confidence would start to diminish.
To understand how this conversation I was having with myself about how this would be the last time started to break my self-confidence, we have to understand what self-confidence is.
Self-confidence is three things: 1. Our capacity to know that we can deal with difficulty, including difficult emotions, thoughts, feelings, and urges. 2. Our capacity to believe what we want to believe about ourselves, including that we are good and worthy and that God loves us, and that we are lovable. 3. Lastly, our ability to believe ourselves, that we are going to do what we say we will do, including stopping or starting a behavior or completing a task or goal like quitting a porn habit.
Let me break this down for you, and hopefully, this will clarify what may be happening for you around pornography and self-confidence in your own life.
Like I teach my clients in the membership and in individual coaching, awareness is key and the greater your awareness the more likely you are to be able to see the issues as they arise so you can make adjustments.
Capacity to handle difficult thoughts feelings, and urges
To break down self-confidence, let’s start with our capacity to know that we can deal with difficulty.
So many of my clients tell me that when the urge to view pornography starts, they get this sense of inevitably, like no matter what they do, they will eventually give in. That this will be too difficult and it will eventually overpower them.
The most difficult things that most of us interact with are our unwanted thoughts, feelings, and urges. They are part of us, so we can’t outrun them. We can’t just shove them off the stage. We can’t just think different thoughts.
We have to engage them in an appropriate way that doesn’t turn our internal dialogue into a battle between what feels good right now and who I want to be. When my clients learn the skills they need to approach this internal dialogue differently, they can practice them and their capacity to know they can deal with difficulty goes up. We deep dive into this in our live coaching calls so you can see what is working for you and what is not.
For instance, this last week Darcy and I went canyoneering with a group. For Darcy, this would have been impossible 5 years ago. If you sign up for a consult, I’ll show you a video of Darcy’s rappelling experience. For her, this was a huge hurdle, because her mind tells her she’s going to die. The entire time, she was making loud noises and closing her eyes, all while asking if the person at the bottom was going to be able to save her if something went wrong.
In her mind, this was something really difficult and she did not have a belief that she could do this difficult thing. After doing it, even though it wasn’t pleasant or fun the way it was for me, she now knows that she can do it, even if she doesn’t want to. Now, imagine how much more confidence she would have if we did this every week?
When we learn how to deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings, and urges properly and do it repeatedly, not only does our self-confidence increase, it becomes more of a habit, and habits run themselves, so we don’t have to muster up willpower and motivation each time.
Believe what we want to believe about ourselves
Next, let’s talk about our capacity to believe what we want to believe about ourselves. Now, this isn’t narcissism, where we believe that we never do anything wrong and we are always right. This is more like a healthy sense of who we are and our inner dialogue isn’t beating us up all the time. Think of it as believing in yourself and being able to acknowledge that you aren’t perfect.
What this looks like is being able to see both the good and bad things that you are choosing without making them mean you are bad, while simultaneously being willing to continue growth and change toward being the person you desire to be.
When we struggle with pornography habits in our lives, it becomes really difficult to believe in ourselves. We often think about pornography and think, I’m an addict, or I’ll never be able to overcome this, or I’ve quit so many times and can’t see how this time will be different. Believing in ourselves feels futile and even discouraging because we don’t have a track record of being able to overcome pornography for good. We just keep going back to the same old habits when things get difficult.
We’ve talked about this on other podcasts, but the truth is, you have a skills gap, not a desire gap. If you want to learn the skills that you actually need, feel free to set up an appointment with me at zachspafford.com/workwithzach and I’d love to help you out.
The most important thing to realize here is, you are looking at your past and seeing that you aren’t the person you want to be, so you might find it difficult to believe in yourself without feeling like you’re trying to be fake about your reality. This, then impacts your self-confidence.
Trusting ourselves to do what we say we will.
Let’s talk about the last thing in our self-image, and I think this is probably one of the hardest on us, our ability to trust ourselves to do what we say we will.
You might be able to see this one right away, and if not, that’s ok. For me, no matter how many times I told myself that this was the last time, I knew it wouldn’t be. In fact, I remember very clearly as a 13 year old, living in Chugiak, Alaska, sitting in my bedroom thinking, “this will be the last time I masturbate, then I’m going to give it up.” This was pre-internet in my home and before I had regular access to any sort of pornography, so this was just my hormone-driven exploration of self, but, I felt like I had to put this behind me.
That was probably the start of a regular cycle of telling myself this was the last time, going a period of time, maybe only an hour, sometimes it was a year, then going back to it and starting the whole thing over.
When we don’t do what we say we will, it becomes really difficult to trust ourselves. You probably know someone who just says, “I’m going to do X” and then they do that at all cost.
My dad is a really good example of that for me. Back to Alaska, my dad was suffering from a condition called gout, where there is a buildup of uric acid in your feet from eating meat and your body not being able to process the uric acid in the meat.
It’s really painful and one day my dad decided that he was going to become a vegetarian. That day was the last day he ate meat. It was as simple as making a choice and doing it, at least from the outside.
Some of us find this impossible when it comes to pornography. As a result, our confidence and sense of self plummet whenever we’ve promised to ourselves or to others that we would give up our undesirable habit and we don’t.
What can we do instead?
The first thing that you or anyone who is struggling with an unwanted or diminished sense of self can do is start to become aware of the ways your mind is interacting with these three standards of self-confidence.
Just being aware is half the battle in being able to resolve issues in our mind and surrounding out behavior.
Your mind is a powerful tool, and as you start to observe it, you’ll see how it can be helpful and hurtful. Being aware, for instance, that your mind is telling you that choosing porn is inevitable and you might as well give in now can be a cue to take a step back and utilize a mindfulness technique.
Taking that step back and observing your mind is a huge advantage that you can use to see what discomfort your mind is working to avoid.
Getting good at being able to step back is most effectively assisted by being kind to yourself.
Porn Equals Pleasure over Pain - Experiential Avoidance and Emotional Debt
Are you someone who dislikes being in debt?
I think we all have a sense that we don’t want to be in debt to anyone for any reason. Better to pay for it upfront than over time.
But for many of us, there have been times when we’ve pulled out our credit card so we can make a purchase, whether it is because we need something, like car repairs or furnace replacement, or because we want it, like that 65-inch flat screen tv.
Credit card debt can be tough to unwind because of its high interest rates and ease of use.
If we think of emotions as a currency that keeps us balanced, you might start to be able to see how you have become an emotional debtor when choosing pornography.
For example, I used to turn to porn when I felt lonely on business trips or when the family would be out of town. Instead of going through my lonely feelings, addressing them directly and then creating connection with myself or others to flex that muscle, I would often retreat to feeling good and getting aroused by choosing porn.
Thinking about emotions as currency, say each emotion is like a dollar. Then each time I choose porn to avoid loneliness, I have loneliness as a single dollar and I have arousal as a dollar.
That would be fine, if that were where the exchange ended. I trade my loneliness for my arousal - break even everything balances out.
But for most of us, that’s not how it works.
After the arousal fades, the loneliness is still there. We haven’t acutally gotten rid of it, we’ve just avoided it. So, along with that loneliness, we add, guilt, then shame, then frustration, and even disappointment.
Essentially, each time I create arousal to avoid loneliness by choosing porn, I create 4 new emotions with that. But those emotions are future emotions so I don’t think about them that much. They are interest on that good arousal feeling.
Because, instead of paying them back like money, at some point I have to face them. If I don’t face them, they compound and I keep feeling worse and worse.
This whole idea is what experiential avoidance or buffering breaks down to.
Using an artificial boost to your emotional state in order to negate the unwanted emotions in the moment at the cost of your future emotional state.
To go back to thinking of emotions as dollars, I often ask my clients, “If I offered you a shiny, brand new, $1 coin in mint condition with no blemishes, would you give me your 5 dirtiest, oldest, most wrinkled $1 bills?”
No one ever takes that deal. Because a dollar is a dollar. By the same token, an emotion is an emotion, and if we don’t get good at dealing with the unwanted difficult ones, we will find ourselves compounding our negative emotions.
If we took it as a math equation, and every day we traded 1 dollar for 5 every day for a year, we would receive 365 good feeling emotions at the cost of 1825 negative emotions. Year after year, that would put you in quite a hole.
Each of us has discomfort that we deal with regularly.
Pain comes in many forms, some more painful in a moment than others. Some are physical pains like going to the dentist, and others are emotional pain like loneliness.
The thing is that when we avoid painful things in search of short-term happiness and pleasure, we are usually setting ourselves up for long-term pain that is worse and more damaging than the pain we were avoiding.
A perfect example of this happened to me this month.
As I was flossing my teeth a chunk of what I thought was tooth came off my bottom back right tooth.
Immediately I thought, “oh, how much is this going to cost.” Being an entrepreneur, I pay all my own dental bills.
You can see my dilemma, put it off, don’t deal with the cost of fixing the tooth now and keep my, what turned out to be $152, or pay for it now, get into the dentist
I worked as a dental assistant growing up, my family dentist gave me a job and I loved it. I thought I would be a dentist before I got to organic chemistry.
Having worked in a dental office, I have seen first-hand what happens when someone neglects dental work.
Anything from needing heavy-duty cleaning with a machine that basically jackhammers your teeth with sonic waves all the way up to pulling everything out because not a single tooth has enough integrity to stay in the mouth without the possibility of getting infected.
I honestly thought I needed a crown and it was going to be really expensive.
Taking care of my teeth is important to me and the idea of losing a tooth because of neglect is not on my list of awesome.
Facing the bill now also means that I don’t have to face it later when it might be more expensive and have implications for my other teeth.
A lot of what we do in life is a trade-off.
I work out knowing that a little pain now will help me get stronger in the long run, keep my metabolism up, and help me feel good.
We get shots knowing that the vaccines, steroids, and even painkillers that hurt some going in, will help us avoid worse, even excruciating pain in the long run. I take a testosterone shot every week, I do not like the idea of stabbing myself with a needle, but I like it better than what happens when I don’t have that shot.
When it comes to pornography use and the struggle that you have been dealing with for years, ask yourself, am I willing to take a shot now in order to avoid an even more painful future? What’s the value of that to you?
What’s the cost of continued therapy sessions for you and your spouse before finally resolving this issue? What’s the cost of all the time you’ve spent doing something that is tearing at your self-confidence? What’s the cost of sleeping in your car because your spouse has asked you to leave? What’s the cost of the hurt you are putting into your relationship and the trust you are breaking because of pornography use? What’s the cost of a divorce? What’s the cost of living separate lives?
Just like dental work, working on ourselves is something that if you don’t get in as early as you can, the cavities in your capacities can fester, grow, and get infected.
The emotional pain that you feel when you are frustrated, stressed, lonely or even just bored are all types of immediate pain that, if we choose to ignore it, we are creating a long-term pain that will eventually become unignorable.
When I was deep in my pornography use, there was this huge gap between how I felt and how I wanted to feel.
I struggled so much to feel wanted, loved, and worthy that I would have done anything to get those emotions in my life. But, like so many of us, I didn’t know how.
I thought that when I was lonely that no one wanted me. What I didn’t realize is that my thoughts were the cause of my loneliness.
The problem is, that without a coach, it is really hard to see how our thoughts are keeping us from dealing with our pain in the present and taking us off into the momentary pleasures of pornography use, overeating, and social media zone out.
Then, when we come back to ourselves, we still don’t feel wanted, loved, or worthy. In fact, we probably feel less of each of those things and we feel worse for having done something that we might have said, “I’ll never do that again”.
One of the key skills I use to help people deal with their emotions as they come up is mindfulness.
This is a skill that I think so many of us men have been conditioned to ignore because we have been taught that our feelings don’t matter.
Being aware of your feelings and allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable is a skill that we don’t cultivate in our culture.
Unfortunately, that is the very thing that handicaps us when working through our pornography use habits. We think we can push it down, fight it off, and keep it at bay.
I can tell you from personal, long-standing experience when we choose to avoid the meaningful experience of our feelings, we are creating a long-term effect that is more harmful to ourselves and others.
The old adage, no pain, no gain, has a ring of truth, at least in this arena, because if you try not to feel your pain, you will never be able to grow past it and become the person you want to be.
If you want to learn more about this, I am holding a webinar on how to deal with your urges on Thursday. You can register at my website, zachspafford.com by clicking the “free masterclass” link at the top right of the page.
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Hey, if you are ready to get started on your journey to quit porn and start thriving, go to zachspafford.com/freecall and register for a live webinar this Thursday. You’ll be glad you did.
When I struggled with pornography and was attending the 12 step meetings regularly, one of the things that was the most difficult to deal with was the idea that any missteps meant that I was starting back at zero each time.
The whole idea, especially with 12-step meetings where you would get a token or a chip for each period of sobriety, as they called it, and if you messed up, even one time, that meant that you would go back to zero.
It was discouraging and depressing.
Each time I went back to zero, I felt that I was a complete failure. That was how we treated it at the meetings, it was how I treated it in my mind, and it was how Darcy treated it in our conversations.
In today’s podcast, I want to teach you how you can set yourself up to never fail again as you overcome pornography.
Imagine you are working on eating healthy and working to make your weight more reflective of a healthy body as well as eating according to that ideal.
Each week for ten weeks you eat the things on your plan. You feel good. You’ve lost 20 pounds. You’re doing well.
Then, on a regular old Tuesday, with no special meaning and no reason to celebrate, you decide to eat everything in sight. Nothing is on your list and none of the things you eat are what you might call “good for you”. You feel like you can’t help yourself.
The next morning, you wake up and you’ve gained a pound. You are 19 pounds lost instead of 20. Are you back to zero? Are you starting over, are you a complete failure?
I know that if a friend of mine called me that Wednesday morning and said, “Look, I failed. I gained back one of the 20 pounds I lost and I’m just so ashamed of myself, I think I’m going to quit on my goal of eating healthy.” I know what I would say to them.
Hey, you have something to be proud of. You’ve done 10 weeks of healthy eating. Paying attention to your mind and what it is offering you around your food habits. You’re doing so well. You’ve lost 19 pounds. You’re healthier than you’ve been in a while.
I think we all would.
But, for many of us, that is not how we approach pornography.
So, today, I’d like to offer you two ideas that you can use to help you never fail again.
First, Progress trumps Perfection.
When we think about our struggles, we tend to think of them in terms of “have I arrived yet?” Have I overcome porn entirely yet? Have I lost all the weight I want to yet? Do I make enough money yet? Do I have a degree yet?
In life, progress is more important than the place we’ve arrived at. When we value progress, we value ourselves as we are.
You might be listening to this and say, “I don’t want to be who I am right now. I want that person to be gone. I want to be someone who never views porn again. I can’t value who I am. I must be someone else.” Or some version of that.
Here’s the problem with that. When we believe that we aren’t enough, it shows up in our actions. It shows up in our attitude. It shows up in our results.
If you think about your experiences with little children who are learning to walk, you might have noticed that they simply accept the things that happen as a matter of course. And If they get sad or frustrated, when they fall or fail to make the progress they feel they would like to, and start crying, what do we do? We pick them up and tell them it’s ok and that they are doing a good job and to keep trying.
We value their progress, regardless of how little it is. We believe in their capacity to succeed, as long as they keep trying.
No one would stand over them and shame them for not being perfect, or yell at them for not getting another step in.
Now, the truth is that we are not babies. We are grown-ups and when we choose porn, in spite of our best efforts, there are consequences, including how our choices affect those around us.
I would argue, however, that when we approach pornography in a progress-over-perfection attitude, we free up the space in our brain to keep trying.
The second thing that I think anyone who is choosing pornography can do to never fail again is to Learn Something and Move Forward.
In my program, Thrive Beyond Pornography I have a module dedicated to practicing this very thing and in coaching, we dive deep into how to effectively do this.
Think about an auto mechanic. What is the first thing he asks when you bring your car into him. “Can you describe the problem?”. Imagine if you just said, “I don’t know” and told him to figure it out. It would take a lot longer than if you can accurately describe, in detail what lead up to the problem, what the problem is, and how you think the problem started.
One of the first things that most people do after they choose pornography is they work hard to forget what happened. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a client to describe to me the events that lead up to choosing porn and what their mind offered them as they chose porn and heard the response, “I don’t know”.
In order to learn from our mistakes, we need to face them, head-on, and in full daylight.
That means, in order to never fail again, we have to be willing to see the problem so we can learn from our choices and try new ways of resolving the issues that we face.
Learning how to mindfully and accurately describe the problem is one of the many steps that will allow us to figure out what is going on so that each time we make a choice that goes against our moral compass, we can use it to grow instead of beating ourselves up and feeling like a failure.
Progress over perfection and learning something so you can move forward are game-changing tools. Just these two steps alone can dramatically improve your capacity to overcome pornography and never fail again.
Send me an email with your progress, I’d love to hear from you.
Join our free Masterclass - zachspafford.com/freecall
I had a call with one of my clients today and he asked a really interesting question. He had just been called into the bishopric as a councilor, he’s not chosen to view pornography for about 6 months, he is a business owner, a husband, and a father.
He said, I have 2 things on my mind but let’s start with this one. “how do I get my mind right with all the stuff coming down, all the different roles and actions that need to be taken?”
What was weighing on his mind is adding this new, demanding challenge of being in a bishopric to his life and he’s worried that he might fall back on old coping strategies to deal with his increased responsibilities.
I think a lot of people have this come up, especially as they find that they are more successful at not choosing pornography. How do I position myself to continue this success? Is essentially what he is asking and what you might also be asking.
So, today, I’d like to share with you what I shared with him. While this may not be the exact right answer for you, or for every situation, I think these are universal ideas that can help almost anyone and will probably help you, as you put pornography behind you and start creating the life you want and Thriving Beyond Pornography. And if you are ready to put the things that we talk about in the podcast into practice and are committed to not simply overcoming pornography now, but also building or rebuilding your relationship, then sign up for a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach.
One of the biggest reasons men and women struggle with pornography is that it has been a reliable way to mitigate and manage emotions, stress, and other discomforts.
So, when my client asked me the question of how to keep his mind right as he takes on new roles and responsibilities, it was pretty obvious that his concern was that he didn’t want to fall back on his old ways of dealing with new stressors.
When new stressors come into our lives, our old ways of dealing with stress can easily come up as our mind tries to figure things out. Having taught him the key skills that he needs to address when his mind offers him pornography with his old urge patterns, it seemed likely to me that, while he had started to become master of the behaviors he had previously turned to, he wasn’t yet creating a fulfilling life.
Creating a fulfilling life is one of the surest ways to move beyond your old patterns and never go back.
Think of an old job you had, that met your needs financially, but that was maybe too easy, not fulfilling or even horrible for whatever reason. When you leave that old job, finding one that better matches your skill, helps you feel fulfilled and drives you to be a better employee by challenging you to grow and learn and solve problems in new and interesting ways.
When that is what your job situation looks like, it’s pretty unlikely that you will want to go back to the old work environment.
The same is true with your old habits. Going back seems silly, when you’ve created a more fulfilling and enriched way of living.
So, to assist in building this new life, I want to offer 2 simple habits that will help you build a more fulfilling life.
The first is to say, “No”
That might seem too simple or even counter to creating a fulfilling life. A lot of us were taught that service is the highest ideal and doing everything we can to serve will be meaningful. I would simply say to that, yes, and saying no to doing everything you’re asked to do can help create balance in a busy, stressful life.
I like the phrase, “If it's not a heck yes, it’s a heck no.”
Saying yes, out of duty or obligation, because you think you’re supposed to, is likely to overload your plate and begin to create resentment.
Darcy - I know for me as a wife, when I would say yes to sex when what I really meant was no, it began to create resentment that meant really stepping into sex and choosing Zach was impossible.
When he learned how to say, “no,” to all the things that I wanted and would often demand, I began to see that when he said, “Yes” it was more meaningful and real. It was something that he was doing from a place of love and honest connection, rather than a place of obligation and resentment. He was choosing it because he wanted to, not so he could get something.
And this was also an experience I had on my side as well. As he learned to say no, I did too. When it came to sex or other things, I stopped saying yes just to manage him. ETC
Zach - Often within our lives, we are trying to fulfill a role about what we think we are supposed to be doing. That, I believe is one of the reasons we say, “yes” when what we really need to say is, “no”. In Thrive Beyond Pornography we talk about the three stages of cognitive agency and stage two of that is, roles and rules where we take on specific roles in our lives and try to follow the rules that we believe govern that role. For instance, being a good husband we might think that it’s our job to make our wife happy. Husband is the role, the rule is to do everything we can to make our wife happy.
The third stage of cognitive agency is to reference ourselves and do what is in integrity with who we are and who we want to be.
Darcy - So, what I’m hearing is not to only do what you want, because you want to do it, but to do what is in line with who you want to be and how you want to show up. So, you might say, “yes” to some things that you might not really want to do because they are important to you. For instance, …
Zach - Totally. So, when something comes up and you want to make a choice, Say the elders quorum president asks you to help with a move, I’ll give you three questions to ask yourself.
- “Do I want to do this thing, or do I not want to do this thing?”
- “Why do I want to do this or not do this?”
- “Do I like my reasons for wanting to do this or not wanting to do this?”
I realize that seems like a lot of questions to ask yourself, especially when you’re standing in front of someone, but the more you use this framework, the quicker it will become.
Now, using this on the EQP might be simple. But what about on you wife?
The issue here is that when we don’t learn how to say no, even to our spouse, I find that I was resentful toward her when she would ask for things I didn’t want to give but that I felt I needed to give her in order to keep her happy. And happy with me.
Darcy - A really clear example of this for me is that you used to give me foot massages, like every day, I would beg you to rub my feet. I would tell you that I couldn’t get out of bed and I would tell you that my feet really hurt and I would just generally fuss and whine until you would do it, because I knew that I could get you to, even when you didn’t want to.
Zach - Yeah, that was actually pretty frustrating to me. Because even when I would rub your feet you would complain that it wasn’t long enough.
So, I really stopped doing it for a while. I got to a point where it just frustrated me and even you asking was annoying to me. It became this battle, where I knew that if I didn’t do it, I was not making you happy and sometimes you’d even get mad at me. So, internally I was conflicted.
You’re not like that now, to be clear, but it was difficult because I felt like I wasn’t doing my job if I didn’t take care of you the way you wanted to be taken care of.
Darcy - This is a two-way street as well, because, you could reverse the roles and insert sex wherever you talk about foot massages and I would say that I felt pretty much the same as you did.
Zach - I think this is why it is so important to learn this skill in order to really get to a place where you can keep going in your progress away from choosing porn and keeping that from impacting your relationship. When we give in and we violate our sense of self, that sovereign person who wants to belong to themselves, that is when we seek out escapist behaviors in order to manage our sense of self.
Which brings us to the second thing that every person who is moving beyond pornography needs to do in order to keep going and keep succeeding.
I cannot tell you how many times I ask this question and the answer is, “nothing”.
The question I ask, as men start to grow past their pornography choices and they are trying to figure out next steps is, “what is something that you do, that is just for you, and that you do regularly in order to fill your cup?”
It’s really extraordinary how, probably 90% of the people I ask this question of, they look at me a little bewildered and like I’m speaking another language and they think about it and then they just say, “nothing”.
I have a theory about pornography that ties into this.
One of the reasons, I believe that many men and women choose porn, this isn’t the only reason, but I think it can be one of the reasons and I think it is a meaningful reason. I believe many people choose porn as a way to escape, because it is something that they can call their own and that they don’t have to share with others. It is something that they do, that they can own wholly, without having to share it with their spouse.
Darcy - I think you’re right, why do you think that is?
Zach - Partly because of the taboo nature of it. Partly because it can be done in secret. It’s so bad that even talking about it among your friends is taboo. So, it takes on this meaning of being all for me, just about me, and not for anyone else in any way.
But I think this is one of the reasons that we need to start choosing activities, hobbies, and things that fill our cups. There is value in men being manly and engaging in masculine activities.
Darcy - I think some people out there might hear this and say, that’s selfish or he needs to fix his relationship and be home more. I think that it’s clear from what you’re saying that staying home more, being with the family more, is possibly one of the reasons he isn’t filling his cup and engaging in things that he enjoys so instead of being able to openly choose those kinds of healthy activities, he may be seeking out easy, high dopamine activities that he can hide and keep secret. Which isn’t an excuse, it’s just an observation. When you chose porn, you were choosing it. But one of the things that you had to do was grow up a bit in our relationship and insist on taking care of yourself by choosing activities that you love.
Like flag football, last year when you played, I really didn’t like it. Playing football is how you injured your back and I was worried that it would happen again. I also know that you love playing football. It is a consistent thing in our lives, over the last 20 years, you will take every chance you can to play.
Zach - Yeah, I really had to be willing to endure your discomfort and dislike of my hobby and grow up and be willing to disappoint you for my own happiness and to fill my cup.
I think this isn’t to say that being rude or dismissive about your partner’s feelings is ok, or good. But I think we think, too often, that we have to agree on everything if we are going to be in a marriage. That just isn’t the case. Belonging to yourself in a real and meaningful way, means that you won’t always agree with your spouse’s perspective, while still being willing to see it from their perspective.
I think that is a really good definition of differentiation. Being able to belong to yourself by not always agreeing with your spouse, while being able to belong to your spouse because you are willing to see it from their perspective and account for that in your choices.
Creating a space for you to choose the activities that fill your cup is a really important component of each person’s ability to move beyond pornography for good.
If we don’t do that, there is a better than even chance we will go back to choosing pornography simply as a way to cope and create space for ourselves.
Darcy - So, learning to say no and creating space for yourself to fill your cup, taking care of yourself are two very important skills each person needs to keep going beyond pornography and grow the relationship they want with themself and with their spouse.
I love it, even if I don’t like that it means you are away from us.
Darcy - Webinar Thursday at 6 pm mt. sign up at zachspafford.com/freecall
Zach - If you have a pornography struggle in your life, either as a spouse, an ecclesiastical leader, or the person who chooses pornography, you’ve probably run into this issue.
I ask clients daily, “Can you tell me what happened the last time you chose porn?” The most common answer they give is, “I don’t know”.
What is clear to me, over the many conversations that I have had is that those who are struggling because they choose pornography contrary to their moral values is that they don’t all have degenerative brain diseases.
So, how can this be such a common refrain, why don’t these men and women know what is going on, when the fact is that they are the ones engaging in the behavior?
Darcy - As a spouse, you might find yourself frustrated with this kind of response.
Zach - But there is actually a really good reason why we say, “I don’t know” when it comes to our behavior, with this issue so often.
Zach - “In a series of experiments (conducted at the University of Chicago), participants were asked to evaluate the likelihood of themselves or others to do various moral or immoral behaviors. Respondents did not rate themselves more likely to do good works. Yet they regularly assumed they were more likely than others to avoid immoral acts. They also deemed instances of others’ unethical behavior as more extreme and memorable than their own choices.”
Darcy - All of us believe in our own inherent goodness and when our behavior does not reflect the sense of self that we believe to be who we are, we tend to both discount the facts and distance ourselves from them.
Zach - I don’t know anyone who has not done this. When we drive and cut someone off, most of us will justify our behavior or say it wasn’t that bad and actively try to put the incident behind us as quickly as possible. Especially if we feel bad. When, however, someone cuts us off, we, many times, ascribe malicious intent to the other person.
In a real and meaningful way, this may be happening in your head around pornography.
For those who are choosing pornography, the act of distancing ourselves from the behavior, putting it behind us as quickly as possible, and seemingly scrubbing our memory of the incident is an act of self-preservation in a way. It helps us maintain our sense of self, in the face of behavior that contradicts our belief that we are “good”.
Darcy - I think it’s also really interesting how the research showed how when we see someone doing something and we don’t like it, we will assume we would never do anything like that.
This really speaks to our desire to see ourselves in a certain way. People want to see themselves as good.
Zach - When we choose pornography, there is a tendency to do our best to distance ourselves from the choice because it contradicts the sense of self that we have and that we want to maintain.
Darcy - as a woman I always saw myself as a brunette. I would dye my hair, color out my grey, and work to maintain my look as a brunette. I had a sense of self that was not reflected in my hair color. We’ve all seen that person who is not fooling anyone with their hair coloring. In a way, this is what is going on for us when we fail to see our behavior and are unable to deal with it meaningfully.
Z - Right, what we are doing is we are not seeing ourselves clearly. Almost a willful blindness to our choices.
D - How can we mitigate this issue as we reflect on our choices?
Z - The three stages of cognitive agency help us understand, at least in part, how to approach this subject.
When we think about ourselves from the perspective of being integrated, one of the key issues is how we see ourselves. Do we see our whole self and can we handle the reality of our whole person, or do we avoid seeing the whole person that we are, working to hide meaningful parts of us in order to maintain an illusion of our goodness without fault?
This isn’t to say that we aren’t good people if we choose pornography and that we are somehow irredeemable. It is, however, to be clear about who we are and what choices we make, even when those choices mean that our sense of goodness is challenged.
If a basketball player has a bad night and misses all their free throws, that doesn’t mean they aren’t a capable, talented basketball player. It does, however, mean that taking a look at what happened in an objective way will assist in improving the player’s ability to resolve the issues that are presenting at the free throw line.
Darcy - This is why basketball players have coaches and why having someone who can help you review your choices is helpful. Without that help, you might keep making the same mistakes over and over. Whereas, when you have help, that shift will likely come more quickly.
When I played volleyball, I was an excellent passer, because I could always put the ball in a playable spot on the court consistently. But, when it came to my x it took a coach pointing out that I needed to do y before I was able to finally get consistent at that.
Zach - Right, and when we act like we don’t know or can’t see what we’ve been doing, having a coach work through that self-blindness is helpful because it makes us face the facts, work through the problem and start to see ourselves more holistically.
So, the reason we don’t want to know and why we say, “I don’t know,” is simple - it is an act of self-preservation emotionally and mentally. We are working to preserve our sense of self in order to not upset the balance we’ve struck in life to see ourselves as a good person.
What to do instead is a different matter.
If you are willing to make the change necessary, one of the first things that you might do is simply write down, or say out loud to yourself or someone else, what is actually happening for you in the time before you choose pornography.
One of the things that has been really important for me and for my clients is being able to objectively acknowledge the facts of what happens mentally, emotionally, and physically when we choose pornography.
Doing this from a facts based, observational perspective can be invaluable in learning who we really are.
Two points I want to make here are, saying it or writing it down can be crucial in making it real. If we just keep it in our head and think it, there is not the same power in dealing with the issues and we have less perspective than if we put it outside of us in some way.
The other thing that I would ask you to do is be objective and just talk about facts. Many times we want to use judgemental language to describe what has happened. Instead, try just using facts.
For example, instead of “I searched for dirty pictures” try, “I searched for images of women in bikinis.”
Be as clear and objective about the choices you made as you can be.
Darcy - Again it might be helpful to have a coach who can work through this with you.
Zach - right, this is about gathering the facts and seeing them plainly, rather than beating yourself up or trying to make yourself feel bad, which is what a lot of us do when we think about pornography.
This is a presentation that I made for the lds life coach directory. You can enroll for this and about 30 additional speakers by going to this link. https://summits.ldslifecoaches.com/?ref=6e42d0
Really quickly, before we get started, I am going to be part of a Courageous Discipleship summit put on by the LDS life coach directory. You can have access to it for free if you sign up in the next week. Check the show notes for the link. https://summits.ldslifecoaches.com/?ref=6e42d0
It is going to have some amazing speakers, many of whom I know personally and can highly recommend, including my friend Joey Mascio over at firmlyfounded.com
You might be familiar with the famous marshmallow experiments of the 1960s conducted at Stanford University. If you’re not familiar with it, it is an experiment that gives a marshmallow to a child and then promises them a second one if they wait to eat the marshmallow until the experiment facilitator comes back. The experimenter walks out and hilarity ensues. Kids do all kinds of funny things when they are trying not to eat a marshmallow. They lick it, they play with it, they roll it around, they sing, and they close their eyes. One even took small bites over and over until the marshmallow was finally gone. The look of disappointment on that kid's face was priceless. It was the look of surprise that the marshmallow was gone and that they weren’t getting a second one.
There have been a number of conclusions drawn about this study, including the long-term success of those who ate the marshmallow vs those who didn’t and how successful that single act would make that child in the future.
I want to talk about why it is so difficult for those kids to keep from eating that marshmallow. You could call it willpower or a lack of willpower. But what is willpower really in this context?
Well, willpower may be nothing more than the capacity of the child to accurately recognize and account for the value of waiting in order to receive the promised reward.
This concept is called, among other things, future discounting.
Future discounting is an entire discipline in economics that, if I took the time to explain it to you in-depth, you’d be bored out of your mind. It involves a set of mathematical equations, properly inserted into other math equations, that allow an economist to value an outcome over time based on real human behavior.
But understanding this concept will open up a whole new awareness of your pornography struggle that may help you finally take hold and overcome porn now and create the thriving life you want.
So, rather than give you math, I’m going to explain with food. You can insert porn in place of food in any place you like in this conversation. But dieting is almost universal and it parallels pornography nearly perfectly. Please be aware, I’m not making a moral equivalency between porn and food. But the brain chemistry is pretty close.
In our decision to eat healthily and lose weight, we begin to do the math of now vs later vs never.
Essentially, the thought process might look like this: if I eat healthily now, that will cost me. But if I start on Monday, or the first of the month, or the first of the year (whatever timeline you usually use), for me, it’s always Monday, then it will be a clean start and it will actually be easier. If I never start, that would be bad, so I will start for sure.
Demonstrated numerically, the equation might turn out that starting now is worth -2, starting later is +1 and starting never is 0.
First, let’s start with starting never. We are going to start. We have to. It’s essential, so we discount the idea that we will never start and feel like we are left with just 2 choices. To start today, right now, or start tomorrow.
Next, let’s take a look at starting tomorrow. You might recall a cartoon character named Popeye. It’s an old-school cartoon that I used to love as a kid. The character that stands out in that cartoon for the purpose of this example is Popeye's friend and sidekick of sorts, the ever hungry for hamburgers, Wimpy.
Why was Wimpy, well, a wimp? It’s because he was always trading his tomorrows for what he wanted today.
His catchphrase was, "I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
I don’t know about you, but the restaurants that served Wimpy just once, usually put up a sign shortly afterward that said, “"Positively NO CREDIT. This means YOU, Wimpy."
So, when you think that starting tomorrow is actually worth a positive “1” rather than the cost of starting today, which we talked about being a negative two, ask yourself, am I pretending that I will pay Tuesday for a hamburger today?
In other words, when it comes to how I am dealing with my pornography struggle, am I putting off addressing it through meaningful action, measured and consistent practice, and commitment to getting coached, believing that it will be easier in the future if I can just get there?
Last, let’s look at the starting now, which is worth -2 in our example. When we look at starting today, taking action, building an eating plan, actually following it, and feeling uncomfortable, we are actually rightly valuing the cost of getting started. It does cost us. We have to feel the feelings of hunger and discomfort that come from not just shoving all that Superbowl food in our mouths.
Why is this equation something that we are probably calculating correctly? Because doing the work of learning the skills to eat healthily and then actually practicing that process is time-consuming, sometimes frustrating, and nearly always uncomfortable.
This is why we don’t start. This is why we do the easy thing in the moment. We are looking at the cost of being the person we want to be and seeing that we must sacrifice the person that we are to make the person we want to come alive in our actions.
You’ve probably had this very same thought process in the moment around pornography. “I’ll start tomorrow.” I know that I told myself a thousand times, “this is the last time.” all the way back to when I was a 12-year-old kid living in Alaska exploring masturbation and thinking that I was a terrible person and sinning.
If we make this same calculation every time, we actually end up never starting. We never put in the work and the third component of the equation actually becomes our reality. If today, you make the evaluation that the cost of negative two is too much, then tomorrow you are likely to make the same valuation into eternity. Starting today is too costly, starting tomorrow never comes, and starting never becomes our default choice.
This is because if we always evaluate the equation today, because we can’t evaluate in any other place than right now, using the same calculations that make today worth -2, tomorrow worth +1, and never as 0, our default position in life is to not make a change. Zero is the default position because change today costs too much and change tomorrow is just supposed to be easier in our minds.
Thank you for tuning in every week to our podcast. It would mean the world to us if you would rate and live a review on apple podcasts or wherever you listen. It will help us get our message out and reach more people who need to hear this message. Please share this podcast with your friends and family! Pornography is a topic that most households are dealing with in one way or another and your share could be the very thing that your friend or family member has been looking for.
In the world of life coaching and some therapy modalities, thought management is a very popular practice.
To be honest, when we first started our coaching practice 4 years ago we focused heavily on thought management and how you needed to change your thoughts to create the feelings you want which lead to the actions you take and ultimately your results!
In our experience working with hundreds of clients over the last 4 years including our lived experience, we have found that managing your thoughts alone won’t create the results you are looking for.
If overcoming porn was as simple as changing your thoughts then you probably won’t be struggling with porn anymore.
Today we are going to discuss 2 reasons why thought management will not solve your porn problem.
And then, we are going to teach you 2 things that will help you deal with unwanted thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
1 Our thoughts happen automatically and we have very little if any control over them.
I know in a past episode we discussed how many thoughts we have a day, how many of them are negative, and then how many of them are repeats each day so we won’t go into the details of that on this episode but if you are curious you can go listen to them.
I’m sure some of you if not all of you had the experience where you were doing something very specific like writing an email and then out of nowhere your brain offers you the thought, “You should go check out porn.” You were not actively trying to come up with the thought “you should go check out porn” but your brain automatically offered it to you.
Another example of this might be you are out to dinner for date night and your waitress comes up to take your order and your brain thinks, “oh man she is attractive I wonder what my husband is thinking right now. Or maybe our brains will remind us of the last time our spouse choose to look at porn because we were triggered by this attractive waitress.
2 If we try to get rid of our thoughts our brain will hyper-focus on them.
The pink elephant experiment has shown us that this is scientifically going to happen.
What this means for most people is that they try to stop thinking about something, and that thing keeps coming back into focus.
For wives this might mean that they are trying to not think about their partner’s pornography choices during intimacy and it keeps resurfacing.
For those who are struggling with pornography, maybe you have tried really hard to change what’s on the stage of your mind and found that you keep coming back to it.
This was one of the things that would happen for one particular client. He’d be out on a run and see a woman running. He would tell himself that he couldn’t think about her or it wasn’t right to see her as beautiful because his wife is the only woman he’s allowed to think about that way. But, try as he might, his brain would just keep coming back to it all day. That was one of the really important parts of the process that he and I worked on in individual coaching. And I know Darcy works on this very issue with wives each time she works with them.
So what can you do?
Here are two ways to deal with unwanted thoughts with scientifically sound practices that our experience has confirmed are valid.
- See and interact with your thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations as curiosities that your brain offers you
- Take action toward your values from a calm, clear-headed place.
Let’s start with #1. See and interact with your thoughts as curiosities that your brain offers you.
One of the reasons Darcy and I built Thrive Beyond Pornography was to give couples a framework to address and completely eliminate unwanted pornography from their relationships. The first pillar in that framework is to reframe the pornography struggle.
Most people see their thoughts that come up around pornography as threats. We see them as the enemy and as such we fight them, trying to push them out of our minds. As was mentioned, that strategy is not only unsuccessful for most people, it actually backfires, creating a negative loop of unwanted thoughts around the very thing we are struggling to eliminate.
On the other hand, when we reframe the thoughts that we have from a threat to curiosity, we begin to set ourselves up for success by reducing the emotion behind the thought.
For instance, many of my clients have said that when their mind offers them the idea that “Now would be a good time to look at porn” in whatever way their brain says it, they have often begun to tense up, feeling their body react in a fight or flight way. I know, I’ve thought that I have to get rid of this idea, I can’t be thinking that, this is wrong, and so on.
But, when I learned to think about my thoughts from a position of curiosity, I began to be able to get to the root of the issue instead of fighting with my brain to eliminate a thought.
If we take the example from earlier, as you’re writing an email your brain offers you the idea that you should go look at porn. Instead of fighting that thought, becoming curious about why the thought is there leads me to see what is going on for me emotionally. For me, it very likely would have been that writing that email was not very interesting or it could have been that the email was difficult to write because I needed it to convey a very important message.
Now that I see why my brain is offering me porn, I can understand it and reframe the problem from one of unwanted pornography viewing to one of discomfort overwriting an email. By the way, that discomfort may simply be because it’s boring and not particularly difficult. But no matter what it is, when I can see the problem clearly then I can take action. Which we’ll talk about here in a minute. But the only way to see the problems in our lives clearly is to be curious enough to follow them to their roots.
I often use this example with the men I work with, when you are working on a big project at the office and something goes wrong before you fix it, what do you do? Everyone I’ve spoken to says before I can fix the problem, I have to figure out exactly what went wrong.
Too often we think porn is the problem or our thoughts are the problem. The reality is, we don’t know what the problem is, so we keep trying to treat the symptoms, rather than getting to the root of the problem and dealing with it there.
Start by getting curious.
Now, taking action toward our values.
This might seem like an obvious idea and maybe one that you will have dismissed because someone in the past has simply said, “You know better than this, do what you know you’re supposed to do.”
That is not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about getting to a place where you have calmly and curiously sought to find out what the actual issue is. Understanding why your brain is offering you an escape from your current set of experiences by choosing pornography, then facing that issue head-on.
Along with seeing the actual issue and dealing with it directly, knowing what your values are is essential. This is one of the first exercises that our clients do in our course. They learn the difference between goals and values and begin to articulate what their values are in concrete ways. A lot of us believe we know what our values are, but if I were to ask you, what are your 5 core values, would you be able to tell me what they are off-hand?
It’s really difficult to move in the direction you want to go if you don’t have a compass. Your values are your compass.
In this case, here’s how I would handle my mind offering me porn. After identifying the reason that my brain was trying to save me from my discomfort, let's say that writing the email is boring. From a clear, comfortable, calm, and curious place, I would ask myself, is always being entertained one of my values? No. What are my values? My God, My wife, my kids, my work, and myself.
If I were to go through the boredom of writing this email, which of my core values would I be engaging in? My work.
Ok, What action would I take if I were to engage in my value of my work? One technique I like to use when I’m faced with a task I don’t really want to do, but that will bring me closer to my values is to try the five-minute rule. Tell myself, I can do this for just the next five minutes and I don’t have to go any further.
The key to this idea is that you are choosing this action from a calm,
Most of the men and women that I have worked with, have seen themselves at some level as an addict. If that is not you, if you’ve not identified as an addict, then you can probably skip this section.
If you do see yourself as an addict, it’s important to recognize that you are likely working from what you know and seeing yourself this way is not a flaw. It is simply part of the process of growing into a person who is living their values.
When I was a young missionary, living in the city of Naples Italy, my companion and I boarded a train on our way home from proselyting and were followed onto the train by a young woman who, rather than sit in the seats, chose to sit in the stairwell of the train. I looked her in the eye as I took my seat. We connected briefly, knowing that each of us could see the other. Soon after that brief interaction, she began to shoot herself up with heroin. She did not care who saw or what they thought. She simply wanted her fix.
Think about your experience with pornography. Think about the last time you had an encounter where you were viewing pornography and someone interrupted you as you viewed it. What did you do? Did you meet the eye of the other person, hold up a finger and say, just a moment, I’ll be with you when I’m done?
You probably would stop immediately. You would likely pretend that you were not watching anything.
What this tells me is you are more likely ashamed of your choices than you are addicted to them.
There are some good reasons to believe you are addicted. When we use addiction language we are offering ourselves some distance from our behavior. If I’m an addict, at least in part, I’m not responsible for this behavior. Being an addict means I’m powerless, and if I’m powerless then pornography has power over me. If pornography has power over me then when I choose pornography something outside of me is responsible for this choice.
We’ll talk more about that in the module on agency. But I want you to see how this idea that something outside of me or something that I’m powerless against has the capacity to make choices for me.
Once we understand that pornography doesn’t have power over us, but instead that we are choosing to view pornography as a way to manage our discomfort, we begin to fully step into our responsibility and agency on this issue.
This doesn’t mean that we may not have a compulsive habit that we have set up and follow as a result of continued reinforcement of the habit. That may be the case.
Why the distinction? It’s really simple. If I believe language and ideas that portray me as powerless or, at some level, a victim of something outside of me, then I’m less empowered to deal with the issue.
Ask yourself, even if I am an addict, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you are and that is an unassailable fact, does that change the fact that I no longer want porn in my life?
If the answer is no, then what is the value in believing that you are an addict?
On the flip side, if I believe that I have a habit, even a habit that I compulsively engage in when I feel discomfort, how much more empowered do I feel about dealing with the problem and how much more likely am I to own the process am I likely to be?
In January 2015, Joshua Grubbs of Case Western, published powerful research showing that seeing oneself as a porn addict was predicted not by how much porn one views but by the degree of religiosity and moral attitudes towards sex. Now, Grubbs has published follow-up research demonstrating that believing you are addicted to porn actually causes pain and psychological problems. Contrast this finding with the idea that we have to identify as an addict to get on the road to recovery.
and we know that people who feel bad make worse decisions than those who feel good.
Within my coaching platform, we start by resetting mental attitudes around porn, in a sex-positive way without setting aside our values. You’ll learn new, effective ways to think about pornography. You’ll learn what is actually going on for you that draws you toward pornography. And you’ll learn how to reframe the issues in a shame-free way so you can begin to actually address the real issue directly. Treating the cause and not just the symptom. Dealing with the reasons why we choose pornography is the most effective way to eliminate the habit before it even comes up.
Reframing the problem to create workable solutions helps
My wife used sex as a way to try and control me and I wanted her to
My wife is a wonderful woman, whom I love and adore.
She also used to try and control me with sex.
It wasn’t always overt, and it wasn’t usually something that was designed to make me do something that I didn’t want to do.
In fact, it was the opposite.
She was trying to get me to not do something.
She was trying to keep me from looking at porn and I didn’t really want to look at porn. I wanted to stop.
It was always, in her mind, something she would do to “meet my needs”.
And I thought she was, by her actions, “meeting my needs.”
In her mind, my pornography problem was about controlling how often I needed to give in to my urges. If she could interrupt my urge by engaging with me sexually, then she was helping me. She thought she was helping control my choice to use pornography.
She would ask questions like, “How are you doing today?” in an effort to gauge where I was and if she “needed” to intervene by providing me with an outlet for the day.
What she was doing, in reality, was frustrating herself and rewarding my pleasure center for disconnected, isolating behavior.
Two main things were frustrating her.
First, was the fact that she could not, despite her best efforts, control my urges or when or how I acted on them.
Whenever we try to control others, we will always find ourselves frustrated. They will rebel, they will deceive, they will find a way around you. People are like water; they will go wherever their personal gravity takes them.
It is inevitable.
Second, and I think more importantly, when what each of us really wanted was intimacy in the deepest and most connected sense of the word she was creating resentment and I was creating disappointment.
Control is antithetical to intimacy because inherent in intimacy is trust and control requires none.
She resented needing to look over my shoulder to make sure I was making good decisions.
I was disappointed that the intimacy that I wanted wasn’t available in a resentful spouse
Don’t get me wrong, when you and your spouse decide that pornography use is not ok in your household then both of you should take steps to create an environment where viewing pornography is difficult. I am also not condoning pornography use.
I am also saying, whether you are a man or a woman, making a decision to intercede in the urges of your spouse in an effort to control their actions is not going to work out in the long run.
Let’s flip this on its head for a moment.
Imagine a wife who is struggling with eating sugary treats. Each morning her husband asks her how she is feeling about that cheesecake with fresh strawberries in the fridge.
During that discussion the husband hears the wife is having a hard time not sneaking a piece. She knows that it is for dessert after dinner this evening, but that she really wants to have just a little.
So, he says, I know what, I’ll help you out. I’ll meet your needs. I have a carrot for you. It should tide you over because carrots have a lot of sugar.
His attempt to “help her out” places him in a position that makes no sense to anyone.
He’s giving her a “sweet treat”, but it isn’t what she wants. Not really.
She may even take and eat it. But she may feel resentful that he is trying to control what she eats.
Do you see the parallels?
What we all have to understand is that controlling others behavior isn’t really going to bring us or them to the place we want to be.
It may only to create a short-term fix and will probably create a long-term negative effect.
How do you avoid this?
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Ask yourself, is it working? Is trying to control his behavior or her behavior working?
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Make your decision about you being your best you.
a. If you need time before reengaging with your spouse sexually, let them know and wait until you are ready to begin trusting again.
b. If your spouse is offering you carrots when you really want cake, discuss it and be prepared to wait until you can come to a mutually agreed on timeline.
For a long time, I wanted my wife to control internet access on my phone, my computer, anything that I could get into trouble with.
I found out that doesn’t work because in the end I needed to make good decisions based on my long-term desires, not my short-term urges.
Being the person taking the carrots then being mad that I wasn’t happy with them and mad that my partner was putting “health food” in my face when what I really wanted was dessert that evening with my spouse.
Here is what I know:
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proactively confronting yourself and why you are choosing pornography over intimacy is essential to chang
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Being held accountable doesn’t mean someone is constantly checking your phone. We all know that things can be hidden and that is not your spouse’s job.
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User’s must be solely responsible for their actions, no one else. There is never a reality where, “she didn’t meet my needs” or “you didn’t make the internet safe” or anything like that. The “devil made me do it” isn’t true. You chose to look or not look. Feel free to curiously explore why.
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You are going to have negative feelings like loneliness, disappointment, anger. Don’t let them compound by making decisions that temporarily block the emotion. Seek instead to feel it, understand it and honestly and lovingly express it.
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Intimacy comes through honesty and trust, not sex, not control, not buffering. Seek to find ways to experience intimacy.
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creating the life you want involve
I love my wife and she loves me.
I can’t control her and she can’t control me.
I want you to know that it is possible to figure this out. I coach men and women who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel who finally reach the sunshine and see how much better it is on the other side.
If you are a pornography user or the spouse of a user, sign up for a
free consult and let me help you begin the process of letting go of control so you can have greater intimacy in your life, home and marriage.
One of the things that often becomes a topic of discussion within my conversations with clients is a question that I ask them when they struggle to put porn behind them.
What is pornography?
I think that we believe this to be a fairly straightforward question with a really simple answer and I don’t think that is really the case.
The late justice of the supreme court, Potter Stewart, in a landmark case regarding obscenity, made it clear that when answering this question, we know what it is. Is response was essentially, “I know it when I see it.”
So, let me talk you through a more technical definition, a typical LDS definition, and then I’ll share with you my personal definition.
The definition that I believe I often find used in technical papers and scientific journals of pornography is, I’m paraphrasing, “media depictions of real people, really having sex or masturbating.” This is how the Oxford dictionary says it. “books, magazines, movies, etc., with no artistic value that describes or show sexual acts or naked people in a way that is intended to be sexually exciting:”
I take that to mean that the people making porn are making it with the real sensation of sexual organs being used to generate the content.
That is a somewhat narrow definition and not one that I think a lot of people who listen to this podcast will agree with, but it is probably the most widely accepted definition from an academic perspective.
This is where we see the difference between performative media that includes nudity or even sex that is part of the story, which we see more regularly within the various streaming services, and pornography that is being produced simply for the purpose of arousal.
This isn’t my definition, but it is a distinction that you might find helpful in the process of learning how to decrease the emotion behind your understanding of pornography and how it is impacting your life and your relationships.
What I would like you to see in this distinction is simply that not all nudity, sex, or sexuality is equal. When I was in my early 20’s there was a sister who was an artist studying at the University of Chicago Illinois who was telling me about some of the nudes that she was drawing, painting, and sketching. It made me very uncomfortable because I had this sense that all nudity was pornographic and that good sisters in the church would never engage in that sort of activity.
That may make you uncomfortable and that may not be valuable for you and your spouse to make the distinctions just yet, but it is important that you take a moment and decide if the ways that you’ve been thinking about nudity, sex, or sexuality are currently helpful to your capacity to create the thriving life you want or have they been holding you back.
The second definition is probably the one that you are most familiar with, possible the one that you will agree the most with, and maybe the one that you were most likely taught either implicitly or explicitly as a member of the church.
For this I’ll share with you Darcy’s thoughts on it.
From Darcy- I know for me when you were struggling with pornography, I viewed pornography as pretty much anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. That could be a woman wearing a bikini, a sex scene in a network TV show, or even just a very beautiful woman that I felt threatened by. Now I realize that the three things I mentioned just now are not really what I would consider pornography, but the way my body reacted to those “threats” felt like pornography to me. Looking back, I can see how this idea was not very helpful for either Zach or me. It created a great deal of anxiety for both Zach and me.
I’ve heard people talk about others as “walking pornography”. I’ve also heard church leaders, including one last year at girls camp tell our daughters about the time he saw a young woman in a bikini and that made him uncomfortable.
I think we can call this the all things that are sexual and non-sexual that have to do with too much skin, sex scenes, immodesty at any level, or just she’s pretty and he might look at her theory of pornography.
This was a really difficult way to live. It was difficult to live because when I was around Darcy, I had to make a show of not seeing anything so she could feel safe. It was also difficult to live when I was all by myself because simply the mere noticing of another woman who isn’t Darcy and finding them attractive at any level made me feel that I was a deeply flawed and unrighteous, unworthy person.
I want you to see how impossible a standard this is, and this is part of the work Darcy and I do in our individual coaching with our clients, especially those who want to really thrive beyond pornography, is we deconstruct this in our minds to make a livable standard.
The way I see this standard is, if someone is beautiful or attractive at any level, then I’m not allowed to notice them, acknowledge that beauty, or appreciate their attractiveness. Meanwhile, biology has me seeing beauty in the world around me, acknowledging it, and appreciating it with every pass of my eyeball. That, by the way, is exactly how I found such an attractive woman to marry.
In part, this standard can have a component of jealousy, and in part, it can have a component of trying to manage sexuality out of our sight.
Meanwhile, biology is working directly against these things to bring us together with an attractive partner.
I think it’s important to acknowledge here that choosing pornography is not something I advocate for, and if your reasoning is, well, I just find it so attractive that I can’t help but seek it. I think you need to be able to see the difference between seeing something and acknowledging or appreciating it and seeking something for self-gratification, especially at the expense of your values.
With that said, taking a look at this definition is about realizing that if we set up an impossible standard, keeping that standard becomes a self-defeating process that demoralizes anyone who tries to live it because it is both unrealistic and impossible to live in society without seeing beauty.
I once had a client tell me that he just wanted it to be that he was only attracted to his wife and no one else. I told him that if his wife was the only attractive woman out there, every other man on the planet would be at a loss.
We all want to be able to find others attractive, both men and women want this power, because it is good, and useful when we employ it in the service of living our values.
Ok, the final definition is my own definition of what pornography is, and this is more a philosophy than a definition, so bear with me.
When I think about sexual imagery, videos, photos, statues, or even descriptions, as you might find in books called erotica, I bring a test to whether I will choose to engage with them.
The test is simply this, is this media drawing me into choosing to take my sexuality toward it and away from my wife?
Let me give you an example. We were watching a movie the other night that was rated PG. In one of the scenes, the main male character, pre-love interest in the main female character, walks in on the woman in her bra and underwear. Did I notice she was basically dressed in a bikini? Yes. Did I see her and acknowledge that she was an attractive woman? Yes. Was I drawn into trying to take my sexuality toward her and away from my wife? No.
In years past, I would have pretended not to see, but seeing, lingered on the image in my mind to effectively draw up sexual feelings in myself toward this image. Now, I see it, and I don’t let myself get derailed by it. It went by unremarked on by Darcy.- (Darcy remarked on this as we were writing this, “I didn’t even remember that scene nor did it “trigger” me one bit. In years past that would have ended up as a long conversation about what was going on for him and if that was going to lead to porn. It would have been a little thing that would get blown up into this big deal and would have taken all the focus. Instead of enjoying the movie, I would have been worried about that very innocent scene and missed the cute little story. “
I think we do ourselves a disservice by being overly conscientious of how much of another person’s skin we can see before we are lost in the sea of pornography is everywhere.
The nakedness of others is not what is at issue here for most of us. I know it really isn’t for me. If I were an ER doctor and the most beautiful woman in the world were brought into the OR with a gunshot wound, one of the first things that happens is all the person’s clothes are cut off.
That person’s nakedness isn’t sexual or meant to draw in the sexuality of anyone.
What I choose to do with what I see, whether I move toward my values or away from them, determines who I am.
zachspafford.com
In our last Webinar a really important question came up that we wanted to share with you. By the way, if you want to register for our next webinar this coming Thursday at 6 MT, you can go to zachspafford.com/freecall or you can go to zachspafford.com and click on the link for free master class.
We’d love to see you there.
Do the urges ever stop completely?
So, this question came up and I wanted to ask Zach it, because, as the person who has done this work around pornography and put it behind him, he has direct knowledge of how it works.
Do the urges ever stop completely?
How often do urges occur for you?
What is the difference between never having an urge again and success?
Are all your sexual thoughts going to go away?
Will porn ever be a problem again
Happy new year!
If you are listening to this podcast, we’re excited to see what 2023 will bring for you and how your life will change for the better by not just overcoming porn but putting yourself in a position to thrive.
If you are ready to make 2023 the year you thrive beyond pornography, join us for our free masterclass this thursday night at six pm mountain by registering at zachspafford.com/freecall We are going to be talking about the one shift you need to create a life where you can Thrive Beyond PornographyDoing it alone is possible. Doing it with your spouse can create the relationship you’ve been dreaming of.
In the process of working with hundreds of men and women, there is a clear advantage for those who are married and who do the work with their spouses.
Today we’d like to talk about three distinct advantages that come when you and your spouse work together on the process of thriving beyond pornography.
- She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.
- She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.
- Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing.
She’s going to see you more clearly than anyone.
If you are truly ready to overcome pornography and begin to thrive, the perspective of your spouse is really essential.
This is a vital role that our closest person can play for us. Seeing ourselves more clearly can be difficult without external input.
So, Darcy, how have you been able to see me more clearly and help me see me through your insight?
No one knows us as our spouse does. As we began to thrive beyond pornography and create a relationship where we were able to talk openly about what was going on for each of us it made a big impact on healing our relationship.
In the beginning, we spent more time hiding from each other to self-protect and project the best image of who we were. As we moved further down the road, we both started being more willing to be seen by each other and also see each other more clearly.
It was very uncomfortable for me to really see Zach as someone who chose to look at pornography. I wanted to see him as my next to perfect husband because that is who I wanted him to be and it felt way better to see him that way.
There were times when Zach would come to me and say, “help me see what I can’t see.”
When he was humble enough and willing to listen to the things that I saw that he didn’t yet see, it was helpful for both of us. This was not me forcing what I wanted to see on him, but him coming to me wanting to be better, wanting to understand what it was that I saw in him that he was struggling to see.
This is not an easy thing to do. We as humans don’t typically like hearing and seeing what it is that our partners see about us. It is hard to confront the ugly parts of us that we would prefer to hide from and not see.
There were times I would notice patterns in Zach’s behavior that, if he was willing to hear, I could point out to him. There were definitely times when he didn’t want to hear what I had to say because it was hard for him to hear the truth. He didn’t always like the reflection of who he was being held up in front of his face.
This concept can go both ways. There were many times when Zach was able to help me see things that I either didn’t want to see about me or that I was completely unaware of.
She’ll be able to move beyond betrayal more effectively.
One of the most difficult parts of creating a relationship that can thrive beyond pornography is healing from the disorganization that comes when a husband or wife learns of their spouse's pornography use. It can feel like you are carrying around a boat anchor until it gets resolved.
One thing that I have observed over the years of doing this is that many of the clients I’ve worked with have made remarkable progress toward their goal of becoming porn free. That newfound triumph has often been dampened by the real and meaningful feelings of a spouse who has not yet been able to heal from the loss of what she thought the marriage was and who she thought her spouse was.
Darcy, what have you done to move beyond the sense of betrayal that you had when you found out that I had been using pornography?
If you go back and listen to episode 170 titled six shifts that helped me move beyond betrayal, I talked in detail about some of the things that helped me move beyond Zach’s pornography struggle. So if you haven’t listened to that episode, I suggest you go back and do that.
However, I would like to share one story that comes to mind when I think about how I have been able to move forward.
In my mind, I had this grand idea of what it meant and what it looked like for Zach to choose pornography. I often viewed it as a personal attack against me. I would think and say things like am I just not worth it enough for you to stop looking at porn. If you loved me more, you would stop. Don’t you think about me when you choose to do that? Why can’t you stop yourself from choosing porn by thinking about me and our relationship and what this might do to us?
Then one night, I became a fly on the wall as I watched Zach desperately try to find something, anything that would help him feel better. I, for the first time, was able to see Zach and his struggle with pornography so clearly. We talked in detail about this in episode xxx, the last time I almost went down the rabbit hole; It was not this amazing private sexual experience that he was having. It was truly sad, desperate, and really pathetic. I realized at that moment that Zach choosing porn was not about me. I didn’t have to make it mean anything more than he was struggling and that the way he had trained himself to deal with struggle was to seek out sexual images.
How has that helped you become a more effective partner?
I think this experience has helped me to be more honest with Zach about who I am and the things that I struggle with. It has been comforting to realize that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It has helped me to understand and appreciate my Savior and his infinite love for me.
What did healing from that breach do for our marriage?
Healing from this breach has been an incredible experience. It has been filled with many ups and downs, but in the long run, it has been way more ups! I am grateful for this experience because it has helped us to grow up in ways that I don’t think would have happened if we didn’t have to go through this trial. We have been able to create a relationship that has a solid foundation because this struggle helped us to see the hole that we had.
Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing.
Thriving isn’t just stopping pornography viewing; it’s the entire relationship growing to a place where pornography can never again break the relationship.
The reason that we updated the name of the podcast to thrive beyond pornography is that even though people can stop viewing porn, there are elements of life that don’t automatically get fixed when they do.
When we got to a place where pornography wasn’t a regular issue, there was still quite a bit of change and growth that had to take place.
Our real lives took the path of reframing the problem, Moving beyond pornography, moving beyond betrayal, then we had to re-found the relationship on more solid footing, and after that we had to learn new ways to interact and react to each other that created the thriving marriage that we have now.
I think how we re-founded our relationship started with me realizing that Darcy wouldn’t make me happy and that I had to do that work myself. I also had to learn what my real priorities were and begin living them. I had to create happiness for myself. I had to be willing not to make darcy a top priority over my happiness.
I had to start going and doing the things that I liked doing. I had to create a space where I belonged to myself while still choosing her.
This is a line that we get to walk because it is a balance between being a net taker in your relationship by being selfish and not valuing your spouse’s feelings and desires versus being a true partner who can hold on to themselves and still show up as an equal in the relationship.
Darcy, what did you do in that period to re-found the relationship and step into the relationship while holding on to yourself?
I stopped waiting on whether or not you chose porn to feel the way I wanted to feel. I spent so many years on the emotional rollercoaster of allowing your actions to determine whether or not I was going to be ok.
I also started to become capable of hearing your truths without going into solving your-problems mode. For so many women, we want to make it easy on others. We spend much time serving our children, neighbors, and spouse. For many of us, it gives us a sense of accomplishment and like we are contributing to the world in a positive and meaningful way; however, when this is all we do, we begin to lose ourselves in the service of others and not in a good way. Being able to hear that Zach was struggling with any number of things and not taking it on as my problem was freeing. I began to see Zach as willing and able to solve his own problems and that he didn’t need me to rescue him from himself. I learned to see Zach as an equally capable partner who I loved. It has also helped me to realize that I, too, am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for.
zachspafford.com/freecall
If you wonder what it means to thrive beyond pornography, listen to what Jon Says about his life after working with Zach.
Zachspafford.com/workwithme
3 Essential Ideas to Make This Christmas Amazing
Christmas is a time of excitement and expectations
Trees, lights, presents, food.
It’s also a time when people get stressed or they just want to make everything go perfectly.
If you’ve experienced this you may have found that turning to pornography has been a way that you deal with the discomfort that you have.
In the membership, we work through that with proven techniques that allow us to resolve the discomfort. I’ll put a link in the description for you, so you can join the membership and start learning how to do this yourself. www.zachspafford.com/workwithzach
Now, before you can use those skills, one of the things that I like to work on is recognizing some of the ideas that our minds offer us and just step into some new ideas that we can use to get our head ready for the realities of the holidays.
So, here are 3 essential ideas that you need to know to make this Christmas amazing.
1 – don’t expect others to be different than they are.
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This morning was tough.
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We have church at 9 am and sometimes on the weekend it is difficult to get kids out of bed.
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I went down to wake up my 3rd child and, you may know this about 15 year olds, but he did not jump out of bed, chipper and ready to roll
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In years past I might have gotten upset, bugged him over and over, tried to dump water on his head and made a fuss until he was out of bed, I was frustrated and he was upset.
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Fortunately, I’ve been working on this and I simply asked him, are you up?
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If not, do you want me to come back and wake you again.
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He said he was up and I left him alone. In fact, I completely put him getting up out of my mind.
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I did my part and I let him be responsible for himself.
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Previously, that interaction might have been frustrating and demoralizing.
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Letting him be who he is and not making it mean anything about me helps keep me centered and allows him to grow up.
2 – don’t expect yourself to be different than you normally are.
In past years, I would have told myself, You can’t mess up this week, it’s a really important time and if you mess up you’ll ruin it for Darcy.
This is setting yourself up for a battle mentally. It’s also likely to fail.
I’ve talked about the pink elephant experiments before, but the more we tell ourselves that we can’t do something, the more our brain is likely to obsess over it and bring it up over and over. In the membership, I teach you how do deal with this directly, but for right now, I just want you to try not to be different than you are and not
This means doing your best, keeping your word, and striving to get better every day.
3 – be prepared to be disappointed.
You might not get the gift you want
Your kids might not take the picture that you want with the smiles and looking at the camera
Your parents or in-laws will probably still be who they are, so they will probably be exactly the same people they are on other days of the year
Be prepared for someone to say something rude. Recognize that you won’t be able to change anyone this holiday season – despite what you may want.
Knowing that people are not going to do exactly what you want them to do and letting go of that allows you to focus in on yourself, choosing how you want to show up, and not letting that disappointment build up until you finally snap.
You may have heard this before, lowering your expectations is one of the many keys to happiness. The research is clear. I suspect that has more to do with loving people as they are than it does with letting things be awful.
When we love people as they are, we can also love ourselves how we are. People who feel good make better decisions and loving yourself is an amazing way to feel good.
When you feel good, because disappointment isn’t constantly on your mind, you’ll love those around you more fully, and your holiday is more likely to be the awesome time you want it to be.
Welcome to another episode of Thrive Beyond Pornography! We are so glad you are here!
As we shift our podcast from focusing mainly on the person who struggles with pornography to the relationship and all parties involved, we will have a variety of episodes. Some with be geared specifically for the person struggling with porn; in our podcast dialogues, we will assume it is the husband, although we are well aware that women struggle with porn too; some will be directed towards the wives, and others will be for both.
We would recommend if you are in a relationship that you listen to all the different episodes because we believe it is helpful to learn all sides of the struggle.
I want to start off by saying that no matter where you are on your journey, your feelings are valid, and the struggle is REAL!!!!
I have been where you are, and this is not easy work to do. I also want you to know that there is so much room for hope and healing!
I would never have thought it was possible to get to where I am today, and in this podcast episode, we will discuss some of the shifts I decided to make on our road to healing.
If the things we discuss today are a bit hard to hear or maybe cause you to be defensive, that is ok too. I would invite you to ponder on what we talk about, and when you are ready, challenge yourself to grow. One of the things I have learned along this journey is that growth is really, really hard. It is uncomfortable, and often times it is way easier to just stay in the same cycle on repeat.
Anytime I talk about my journey, I always like to point out that I was and I am married to a good man who struggled with unwanted pornography. I realize that not all men who struggle with porn are good, and only you can decide what kind of man you are married to and if your marriage is worth fighting for. We have personally known and worked with hundreds of really incredible men who struggle with unwanted pornography. If you are married to one of these men, I believe this episode will benefit you.
So let’s get started!
When I stopped judging, criticizing, and vilifying my husband's struggle surrounding unwanted pornography, things changed for both of us. Here are the different ways things changed
1) I sought to understand his side of the issue - I began to seek an understanding of all the different aspects of Zach's unwanted pornography. I did this not to provide myself with fuel to justify my angry position but out of a desire to know him better and to understand what it was like on his side of the street and what porn did provide him.
This was a massive shift for me. For years I looked at Zach's pornography struggle as a moral failing. In some way, he was just not good enough, and I looked for all the evidence I could find to prove to him how his actions would destroy us. I was not really interested in learning what was actually going on for him from a behavioral standpoint. I was very much fixated on the moral failing and all the pain and damage he was causing me and our relationship. Taking the time to really get to know Zach and what was going on for him around his pornography struggle while also being able to hold onto myself was a huge turning point for both of us,
2) I questioned the story in my brain - I began to question the story my brain was playing on repeat about what unwanted porn was going to do to our marriage, what it meant about my husband, and what was going to happen to our family. I realized that my brain was just regurgitating all of the fear bass lessons I sat through at church. And reliving the horror stories I had heard about so and so’s divorce. I never questioned what I believed about this trial or whether or not the story my brain played helped me create the results I wanted in our marriage until I was utterly miserable.
I was miserable because I was trying to live out someone else idea about what all this meant instead of creating the intentional dialogue I genuinely believed about this trial. I stopped letting FEAR run the show and chose to create a story based on my own reality, not on the story I was told I needed to believe that was not serving us or helpful in any way besides keeping us stuck. .
3) I focused on our similarities and de-emphasized our differences - I began to focus on the ways my husband and I were more alike than different I realized that what was going on for him around pornography what's the same thing that was going on for me in different ways. I wasn't turning to porn, but I turned to other more acceptable things like food shopping and social media. I stopped focusing on the porn and turned my focus toward what caused it to be there.
It can be so effortless to focus on porn as the problem. To put ourselves in the one-up position because we don’t struggle with porn, and our partners do.
Been there, done that!!! Honestly, we come by this so easily. The reality for most wives is that we can have an army around us sporting us and holding us up on a pedestal because we don’t struggle with porn and our husbands do.
I am having a hard time typing this out. Still, hopefully, you understand what I am trying to say and that it is easy and justifiable to put ourselves in the one-up position with our husbands when it comes to porn and their behavior to choose porn.
Personally, after many years of standing firm in the one-up position, I realized that this was not helping our relationship or helping me be someone I was proud of. I did not like myself when I took the self-righteous position of being better than Zach.
I am embarrassed to look back on my behavior because the more I genuinely learned about the struggle with unwanted pornography, the more I realized we were much more similar than I would care to admit.
The beautiful thing that came about from me realizing we are more similar than different was that we were able to discuss our different challenges and bounce ideas back and forth off each other in a non-threatening way.
4) I stopped making it worse by recognizing my own unhelpful behavior - I began to realize that criticizing, threatening, and judging him was not helping the situation, it seemed to worsen the problem. It also made me feel worse. I hated how I felt inside and the behaviors I exhibited, for example, anger, trying to control everything, and obsessing about porn. I'm pretty sure porn was on my mind more than Zach’s.
5) I challenged my own position - I began challenging my position on how I faced unwanted porn in our marriage. At first, it was him against me. This was his problem; this was something he needed to fix and quickly, or I was leaving. This was all his fault, and I was the innocent victim of his actions. He was disgusting in my mind, I threw out all of these threats trying to get his behavior to change. I realized that all the other trials we faced in our marriage we faced together, we were a United team, and once we became a United team around porn, that was when things started to shift. I changed the narrative in my brain from this is his problem to this is our problem, this is something he needs to fix quickly to this is something we can fix together, and it will take time; this is all his fault, and I am the victim to we have both played a part in the struggle, and neither of us is the victim nor are either of us responsible for the other's behavior. The less I became the victim, the more empowered I became. These were not easy shifts to make, and they required a lot of humility on my part because, for over 5 years, I stood firm in my previous position.
6) This can be a destructive battle or a relationship-building challenge - I began to realize that unwanted porn was either going to be the thing that tore us apart or the thing that challenged us, stretched us, and required us to grow up. I am not going to say that this was easy! It was hard, sometimes super ugly, and one of the most challenging things I've ever done, but in the end, it was so worth it. I am so very grateful for the wake-up call that I had that helped create the marriage that Zach and I have today. It is not perfect, but it is one I am proud of. We fought hard for it.
If you are ready to create change in your life and your marriage, set up a consult with us!! We would love to help you create the results that you want in your marriage.
We are so grateful you are here! Wherever you listen to this podcast, we would love it if you would rate and review it. It helps us spread our message to those who need it. And we love hearing how this podcast has impacted you.
Darcy: If Zach and I were to say that we believe in your ability to reach your goals around pornography and that humans often underestimate their ability to succeed, would that statement insult you, or would it cause you to feel hopeful?
I am sure you are all very familiar with the placebo effect. Scientists gather a group of individuals who all struggle with say, depression and create 3 groups of people. One group gets the prescription medication, one group gets nothing, and the last group gets a sugar pill that they believe is the real deal.
A miraculous thing occurs! People in the sugar pill group reported a reduction in their depression even though they received a placebo pill.
This happens for all sorts of things, from pain management to weight loss.
We know that the sugar pill had no ability to create change, yet change occurred! This helps us to see that the change comes from within the person. They had the power within them to create the change they wanted.
Another example of this is the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy. When people believe in our ability to succeed, we often perform better. We see examples of this all the time. If your boss thinks you are a genius you will often perform better. Studies have been done on children in classrooms whose teacher praises them just for their effort, and the children’s schoolwork, attendance, and test scores improve. A growing body of research suggests that the expectations a teacher sets for an individual student can significantly affect the student's performance.
What the placebo effect and the self-fulfilling prophecy teach us is that you can succeed and that the power is already within you!! You likely don’t yet believe in yourself, and you lack the hope you need in your ability to create the result that you want.
That is where coaching comes in handy. Having a coach who believes in your ability to succeed and helps you access that power from within you when you don’t yet see it or even believe it is there in the first place.
We as humans are crazily capable of achieving, yet we often fall short of living up to our capacity.
Almost all of my clients are crazy successful in many areas of their life, yet when it comes to their struggle with pornography they find themselves unable to create the desired outcome on their own or even through countless other programs, books and therapists. These clients often doubt themselves and fail to take action.
Here’s the deal.
When trying new things, our minds often fight, protest, and reject new ideas. Our minds tend to put us in a cage and keep us stuck. I am sure you have experienced that feeling of being stuck and unable to move forwards when it comes to your struggle with pornography.
Zach: here’s what the cage is like. Fleas are powerful jumpers that can leap 13 inches. If you put them in an eight-inch mason jar, they will just jump out. But if you put a lid on it, they will jump into the lid a few times, but, because it’s painful and doesn’t seem to get them anywhere, they will learn to jump just high enough not to hit their heads. You can then take the lid off the jar and the fleas will stay trapped.
This is what we are experiencing in terms of our cage. We are trapped, often by our perception of limitation more than actual limitation.
Darcy: Our goal in the episode is to help you break out of the cage and create the change you want!
Before we can get out of the cage we have to understand what the cage is all about.
Zach: Here are some examples of what the “bars” of the cage looked like for my clients and...
Welcome to Thrive Beyond Pornography. We are your hosts, Zach and Darcy Spafford.
Zach-Darcy has some big news to share with all our listeners today!
Darcy- Today was my first time giving a talk in Sacrament meeting! It went better than I expected. I based my talk on the book Believing Christ. I shared my raw experience with the ward about never feeling good enough and how learning about my Savior and striving to create a relationship with Him gives me the strength to keep going.
Zach- it was a great talk, and I was so proud of her for being brave and vulnerable.
Darcy- In this episode, we would like to discuss how quitting porn and diets are similar and how we approach the subjects that significantly impact our success.
Zach- We would like to start by recognizing differences in the moral value we place on food versus pornography. We are not arguing for the two items' moral equivalency.
Darcy- Our hope with this discussion today is to bring awareness for all parties involved around the similarities between dieting, losing weight, and quitting pornography.
Darcy- What comes to mind when you think about going on a diet with the end goal of losing weight?
Darcy - Often we think of meal plans, exercise regimes, willpower to stay away from certain favorite foods, good foods and bad foods, and many other short-term measures that will help us lose a certain amount of weight so we can fit into certain clothes or look a certain way.
Darcy - Now let’s shift from a diet to a lifestyle change in how we eat.
Zach - My dad was a great example of this. When I was a kid, he stopped eating meat.
It stopped being something he felt would help him achieve his values of feeling healthy and comfortable in his body. He has a condition called gout, and he decided that eating meat wasn’t worth the pain it caused or the medication he would have to take.
Often, when we approach the struggle to eliminate pornography from our lives, we are given targets, and sometimes we set targets designed to provide us with some distance from the last time we viewed pornography. We set up internet filters, plan our internet use, seek motivation, and other measures to put barriers up so we can make it a certain amount of time.
All of these ideas are good and may help improve our capacity to create some wins around our choices.
If something works for you, then keep doing it.
It’s also worth noting that for many, achieving a certain amount of success for a short period only to fall back into old patterns can be discouraging, especially if that creates a sense of hopelessness and failure.
Darcy - In that process, it is worth considering how the measures you choose to use to mitigate your pornography choices are more like a diet than a lifestyle change.
To help you do that, I’d like to offer you three ideas that often come up in our work around pornography.
First: Am I expecting immediate results?
Darcy - One of the first things you’ll see in a diet advertisement is something to the effect of “lose 10 pounds in the first two weeks”.
Often this is the same mentality that we seek to impose on our process of overcoming pornography from someone who has been using pornography to help manage their thoughts, feelings, and urges.
Sometimes, this is because our spouse wants that immediate shift which is understandable. We’ve talked about this in other videos. Just be clear that starting this process will likely have ups and downs, good days, and learning...
I'm Joined by my friend Amanda Louder from Sex For Saints and Amandalouder.com
00:00.00
amandalouder
Welcome back to the podcast. Everyone I'm here with my good friend and fellow coach Zach Spafford hey Zack good. How are you good now you've been on the podcast before with your lovely wife. Darcy she's amazing I love her so much.
00:05.20
Zachary Spafford
Hey how you doing I'm so good.
00:15.40
Zachary Spafford
She's awesome. Yeah.
00:17.94
amandalouder
Um, but maybe you should just introduce yourself again.
00:21.80
Zachary Spafford
I'm Zach Darcy and I are ah the hosts of thrive beyond pornography which is our podcast and we help latter day saint couples who are struggling with pornography in their relationship at some stage whether it's the beginning or you know you've gotten. Pretty far into making sure that pornography's part of your life. Not part of your life. But but ah yeah, so it's it's however, you want? ah but really, ah, we're helping people who are looking to not just eliminate.
00:42.46
amandalouder
Or maybe it is ah.
00:54.91
Zachary Spafford
Ah, habit but really recreate the relationship that they want and then Thrive Beyond pornography in real and meaningful ways. Sweet.
01:02.12
amandalouder
Awesome well Zach and I are really good friends I mean we've been having a lot of fun together lately. Um, and we seem to have always have these really great discussions around different aspects of the gospel.
01:04.37
Zachary Spafford
Um, yeah.
01:13.90
Zachary Spafford
Um, yeah.
01:16.90
amandalouder
That we see that are so problematic for so many of our clients in different aspects. So the topic that we're going to talk tackle today together is modesty now full disclosure. We decided to do this podcast before the new for strength of youth pamphlet came out but.
01:32.79
Zachary Spafford
Totally.
01:36.40
amandalouder
I Think it's still going to be very applicable.
01:39.27
Zachary Spafford
Yeah I Ah wholeheartedly agree with that because I think that even though we have a new guide I Don't think people have really put enough thought into it yet and there will continue to be some trickle down of old ideas.
01:52.29
amandalouder
For sure and so I'm in the young women presidency in my ward. So I see you know firsthand what a lot of these things are happening in real time I also am involved in some Facebook groups for young women leaders and so I see a lot of the young women leaders coming and saying.
02:02.28
Zachary Spafford
Yeah.
02:11.64
amandalouder
Okay, now my girls are coming and saying oh now I get to just do whatever I want and wear whatever I want and all this Stefan. So I think really having this discussion is going to be really great for parents. You know, young men young women, leaders Bishop Ricks and maybe even the youth themselves.
02:28.80
Zachary Spafford
Well I've got ah I've got a little tiny piece of the story that I'm going to tell you later but we met we. We met someone who is on the young women's general boarded im'm going and tell you the rest of that story later because I think it's a really cool story but 1 of the things that she mentioned when we spoke with her was that.
02:35.40
amandalouder
Oh yes, Yes, it's a great story.
02:45.15
Zachary Spafford
The seminary teachers and the people on the front lines of this The people who are the the adults teachers of youth in our wards but she was specifically referencing a seminary teacher who had...
00:00.00 Hey, everybody and welcome to thrive beyond pornography I'm Zach and this is Darcy Hello all right so last week. We talked about what was going on for us as we grew up Darcy and I kind of gave you the the foundation of of what we grew up with. How we got kind of the ideas that we got in our heads about pornography and sexuality and and all of the really interesting stuff about when we were babies when we were little kids and all the way up into our teen years and right after I got home from my mission. Essentially this week. We want to talk about. We want to start with how we met so the story that I always tell is that I was walking out of the buffalo Grove Illinois singles branch with a girl that I thought was cute and I was like hey let's go on a date and then I saw Darcy. And I immediately turned around and went and as she was walking into the building I immediately was like oh hey I'll see you later and I turned around and walked back in the building with Darcia went to church because they were leaving to that girl and so I thought oh maybe I missed it. Maybe I am at the wrong time and so I happen to say hey. Is this singles branch right now because I was confused by the fact that they were leaving the church not entering and he said oh yeah, it is let me show you and he like walked me in yeah, that was how we met it sounds way more romantic when it's just like that I ditch this other girl. 01:31.96 But the truth is I was the ward mission leader and I was like yeah I'll help you out but she was a cutie and in Buffalo grove there were less cuties than there than there are in other places so I was like hey let's talk. Let's date. Let's this is after my mission so I was I was on the I was on the hunt. Was trying to find a wife that started us that was Thanksgiving break I was home from Byu Idaho and I was considering moving home and my roommates were worried that if I moved home being that I was. The only member in my family and I had only been a member for about a year they were worried that I would go inactive and they and so I I was like I will promise I promise I'll go to church and so I kept my promise to my roommates and I went to church and that is when I met Zach and I asked her out on a date and we we went to fhe yeah that was the date is that what it was yeah and then ah and then our first real date we went was over Christmas break. Yeah over Christmas break and I had I'd gotten really sick and darcy. Was so desperate that she called me. Yeah, well it was funny because because I did like I was so sick I didn't call her I didn't even think about her I was dying between Thanksgiving and Christmas we were like doing I am I think it was Aol I don't know some kind of messaging system back in the day and so we were chatting online and he was like hey. 03:04.43 When you get back I want to take you to the zoo to see the lights. It'll be super cool and still'll never seen the lights to this day I've never seen the lights and then I get home right? and I'm waiting for this phone call because clearly he's going to call me and nothing. He just totally. Stood me up and I was like wow I'm kind of surprised I because he's and I thought I thought he was kind of into me and I guess he's not anyways. But after like a week of being at home with just my family. Was pretty desperate to hang out with someone that was my age and so I called Zach which that's way against my like code of operation I would never call a boy or you know hold a boy's hand or hug a boy like the boys had to make the moves and so. Me calling him was a really big deal and it was actually December Twenty third and he said oh I'm so sorry I've been so sick I'm finally starting to feel better. Do you want to go out and so we went to Gurney Mills yeah it's like a little out. Like a mall It's sping a large mall. Yeah I guess it's not little yeah and we had chinese food and we went Christmas shopping for our moms super and the very first store we walked...
Hey, everybody welcome to our podcast I think you guys probably noticed something that there was no intro music. did you did you guys notice that did you notice that Darcy I don't know because I can't hear it. So. If you notice that there was no welcome to episode number 163 this is the one hundred and sixty third episode of our podcast the podcast that I've been producing since October of 2019 so that's kind of cool and you probably notice that there's no intro music or intro. Whatever. That we usually hear every time you turn on the podcast. We're changing. We're growing and we're looking to become hopefully more valuable to you as we do that. So the very first thing that I want you to know from us is that there's a name change. You might have noticed that. Maybe when you open up your app this morning for the first time in a week that that the name of the podcast has changed to thrive beyond pornography or it might not be updated yet depend. Yeah on you might know same device to use. It can sometimes take a week for that to like process through. Apple Podcasts or Amazon or Spotify wherever you're listening from that said, the reason we changed. The name is a really important one and d'arcy and I have we've kind of worked a lot on thriving. Becoming a thriving couple becoming individuals who are thriving on our own and hopefully you guys have been doing the same for yourselves. So we want to focus on. And and this is the second thing that you'll probably notice as we go forward. Is you know we're going to continue to focus on individuals who have struggled to overcome pornography. We are also going to integrate what was once separate coaching for individuals to couples and those in relationships. Who want to not just eliminate a pornography struggle from their lives. But really begin to move past that and begin to thrive and begin to create growth and intimacy in their most valuable relationships. Darcy and I have worked on that a lot ourselves we we found that. And and I've said this to so many people as they've come through and done a consult with me or just talked to us in random places at random times because people stop us and they're like hey you talk about porn all the time. Yeah, absolutely. Um and I've said this so many times it's when the couple. Really does the work together is when the relationship moves forward the most effectively and it's also when the person who struggles with pornography is able to move forward most effectively. It's when the person who doesn't struggle with pornography who may feel wounded and. Oftentimes the word betrayed comes out and they are trying to find a new reality that they're proud of we we want to help both those people we want to help spouses. We want to help the person who struggles. So that's why we're changing. From from the self-mastery podcast to thrive beyond pornography. Additionally, we are going to change some of the things that we do in our coaching our coaching will now offer more to both spouses as they work together to move forward. Through and then beyond the struggles that have been keeping them from thriving. So if you've been listening to our podcast long enough. You've probably noticed that we don't just say hey remove pornography and everything's going to be amazing. And one of the things that we realized in our own journey was that just stopping the behavior of Zach turning to pornography did not necessarily create the thriving marriage that we wanted the intimacy and the connection. And the sexual relationship that we wanted. It was a great thing and it was exciting when he did stop turning for pornography but it it wasn't the answer to creating the thriving marriage that we wanted to yeah it didn't help heal. Everything that needed to be healed and it didn't give us necessarily the tools to actually enjoy each other to not make it problematic when something went wrong and to you know, keep from creating long-term rifts in our in our relationship. So...
One of my clients sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that I thought was common but interesting. He was talking about how he had become bored while he was studying and the thought crossed his mind to google something that he could tell at the time was a distraction from what he would ideally choose. He just wanted a little high, just wanted to kill time with something interesting, as he described it. I wanted something more subtle.
Then he moved from there, out of curiosity googled, “do people walk around naked at home?”
So, he asked me, “Is there anything that I can do, even when my brain is being subtle, is there any tool that I can catch myself?” Knowing as he mentioned in his voice memo, I would suggest that he listen to my course video “the truth, the justification, and the lie”
Then he said, “Is there anything that I can do to get rid of this right away?”
One of the things I do in my individual coaching is deep dive into what is going on in the 30 or so minutes before we choose pornography.
For this client, his brain is being very subtle as it offers him something that will be highly appealing at the moment.
What is happening for him in that moment is that the habit running part of the brain has received a cue, that subtly begins the response process, in order to create a highly appealing reward. In episode 69 I dive into how our brain can create new habits.
One of the keys that this client and everyone who is working to eliminate a pornography habit from their life must do is create and practice new ways to respond to cues.
I know that sounds overly simplistic, even if it is true.
Those who join my membership and those who get individual coaching with me work on some very specific techniques to retrain their brains to respond to the cues we receive in order to avoid the rabbit hole altogether in the long run.
Before we change our habits, we have to be able to recognize when our brain is being subtle and start identifying where we are playing into its desire to feel good now rather than deal with what’s uncomfortable.
I think there are a few questions I might to ask that might help decipher between the wholesome passing of time and the start of the rabbit hole.
It’s also really important to ask these questions with the same curiosity that you are bringing to the questions that are working to pull you away from your values.
Is what I am currently doing on the internet something that I would be comfortable and confident doing when I am at my best and living my values? If I were to ask myself on my best day, considering my current relationship with pornography would I encourage myself to search away on the current topic or would I be able to see that I might be approaching a line of what I would feel was contrary to my values? If I look into my past have there been similar instances like this that have lead me down a path that I am wanting to stay off? If I were on the outside looking in would I be comfortable with the person I am currently being?
Why do I view porn before bed?If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably like everyone else on the planet and have chosen to do something that feels good right now at the expense of sleep. I know I’ve done it. Whether it is watching one more episode of that binge-able new tv show until you look over and its 4 am or knowing you are so tired but you just keep scrolling social or crawling into bed, feeling ready to sleep then, your mind offers you that “you’re alone” and “you might as well get away for a bit.” These are all real-life examples from my life, Darcy’s life, and the lives of my clients. And if you are human, as imagine there is an example like this in your life that makes you wonder, “Why did I choose that instead of sleep?” For many of my clients, the hour before bed is a regular time when they choose pornography. Today we’re going to look at why that may be and give you some really clear, actionable tools to put you in a position to make the decisions that meet your values when confronted with the urge to view porn before bed. It can feel easier short termIt’s easier to do than quieting our mind It’s easier than laying there restless It’s easier than tossing and turning It’s easier than transitioning to the next thing
It can be engagingCuriosity is probably one of the key reasons our brain engages us in pornography viewing. What does this person look like nude? Who is this person? How can I see more of this person? Problem-solving is one of the most powerful things our brain does. When it comes to viewing porn or binging screens late at night, the problem solving feedback here is twofold. First, it is solving for anxiety by avoiding it. Second, it is solving for our desire to know as much as we can. Learning is an outgrowth of curiosity and problem solving and our brain feels justified in learning everything it can about the world around it.
It can feel greatDopamine, Arousal Escape from responsibility
It has been shown to help sleep quality
A study reported that 65% of participants who had an orgasm before going to bed reported better sleep quality.
in order to attain high-quality sleep, our bodies should be able to enter a state of relaxation and calmness. Cortisol is a stress hormone that prevents that. It’s often associated with our body’s fight or flight response, making our bodies feel more alert and restless. Fortunately, research shows that masturbation and sexual intercourse inhibit this stress-inducing hormone's production. Cortisol is also often associated with a slew of health problems, from high blood pressure and fatigue to decreased bone density, so it’s always ideal to have a low count of cortisol in your body. (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality))
I’ll link to that information in the notes.
I want to be clear, I’m not advocating viewing pornography and masturbation in order to improve your sleep. What I’m offering is an understanding of why this habit may have formed and why you may be engaging in it as you do fall asleep.
This is about realizing that you might be using orgasms to manage stress and cortisol levels. Fortunately, these are not the only ways to manage your stress, cortisol, or sleep patterns. And just knowing what you are facing gives you a lot of power to make changes and change patterns. That’s why we have the membership, so you can figure out what is happening and resolve it, even if you can’t see it yourself at first.
I know that for me, there were many times that I lay awake at night, and...
One of the biggest issues that every person who works to overcome pornography has is that they often feel like they are failing if they have any sort of setback or make any sort of mistake in the way that they are handling themselves. So today we are going to talk about two ways to ensure that you never fail again when it comes to overcoming pornography. A guy that I was working with told me the story of when he was doing a physical challenge of some sort, I think it was a multi-day race, and he stopped at a home that was part of the race support. I heard this story a long time ago, so the details are a little fuzzy for me, but the message is clear.
He goes into the house, they point him to a bedroom and since it’s the end of the day and he’s been racing all day, he goes in, faceplants into the bed and goes to sleep.
Fast forward to the next morning and his wife, who, for some reason didn’t sleep in the room with him, comes in to wake him up. As she does this, she notices that the wall above my friend’s head is a mural of a naked woman.
I imagine some of you are right now thinking of your partner or yourself and wondering how much trouble that guy was in.
Turns out he was in quite a bit of trouble.
His wife was quite furious with him that he had slept in that room and let him have it.
So my friend defends himself by saying that he had no idea, he had just come into the room, it was dark, he hadn’t even gotten undressed, that he had just slept in the room without even looking around because he was so tired from the race he had been running.
This is key number one making your journey to overcoming pornography forever fail-proof:
Learn to recognize what is problematic and what is incidental.
Too often, we become hyper-sensitive and hyper-focused on the ways in which pornography intersects our life and this intense management of the thing we want so badly to avoid creates a reality where we are more likely to notice it, and often, we beat ourselves up over it reinforcing a negative reality.
Just the same way you notice every car on the road that looks like the one you just bought, your brain is constantly looking for ways to reinforce itself. This happens in ways that are positive and valuable and it also happens in ways that reinforce negativity in our lives.
In the case of my friend, the fact that there was a mural of a naked woman on the wall above his head was a non-issue until his wife made it into a big deal, reinforcing a number of negativities that seem inescapable.
I don’t know what her thoughts were, but I imagine she felt like we can never get away from this, that no matter what, we always have to be diligent, and maybe any trauma that she experienced was being dredged up and relived in that moment.
For him, it might have been that he will never be able to do enough to stay away from this, that even when he isn’t doing anything, he still gets in trouble because of his past behavior, and maybe even that his wife will never get over this and that it is a hopeless issue.
Think about what you’ve felt over the time you’ve struggled, what would you have thought or felt. I know that I would certainly have felt attacked for something I didn’t do and that I had no control over.
If you want to overcome pornography forever, you need to be able to triage what has happened in order to understand if there is something more to do.
In this case, there really wasn’t anything to be done. My friend had no idea the mural existed, and as such, nothing happened and there was nothing to learn from the experience.
This, in a lot of ways, could be summed up as stuff happens, and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be won’t make it better.
The second thing...
Join the membership for 50% off using promo code LABORDAY50 Click here to join https://www.zachspafford.com/jointhemembership Here is a story that we are all familiar with, that we all believe is true, and that we inflict on ourselves when we think about our pornography struggle. The story begins with us seeing the hero of the story at their lowest point. They are being crushed by the world and see no light, no end to their suffering, and no way to rise above the challenges that are before them. In this struggle, they come across a single truth, weapon, or skill that opens possibilities to them, creates a path forward, and allows them to triumph. While I struggled with pornography, I found that this is how I thought of what I needed to overcome pornography forever. I thought, if Heavenly Father can just give me that one tool, that one skill, or just take this one thing away from me, then I would be immediately successful and clearly win this fight. I don’t know if you have thought of your porn struggle in this same way, but this was my mindset for a very long time when it came to pornography. I’m sure, that like Saul who saw Jesus on his travels and was renamed Paul, there are people for whom extraordinary shifts occur in moments and then, forevermore, that newly minted being of awesomeness is plagued no more by their trials. I know, for me, that this wasn’t the case. I found that really overcoming pornography forever was about three things. Regularly refocusing, habits around my urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking. In the process of overcoming pornography, I found myself regularly discouraged when a setback occurred or a process that I had put in place seemed to fail. For a long time, this lead to an out-of-control spiral and frustrating despair. Each time made mistakes, I had to dig out of that hole and refocus and redouble my efforts. The clear lesson for me around this is, that you don’t have to wait until you make a mistake to refocus. If you are working to overcome pornography, setting regular checkpoints, working with a coach, or regularly evaluating your progress, process, and potential is something you can set up before you make mistakes. Adding key touchpoints to help you evaluate and adjust will yield high levels of self-awareness and pivot points that allow you to move toward your values. These regular refocus sessions, whether you are doing them on your own or with a coach can help you clarify where you stand, what you are doing well, and if there is an area that you might want to improve. If you are thinking about overcoming pornography forever from a strategic perspective, checking in with what’s working and setting time to evaluate it is a perfect start to getting you where you want to go. You might have a daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly refocus session set on your calendar where you celebrate your wins and see how you want to focus your energy for the next period. Speaking of how to focus your energy, one of the key components that you’ll need to focus on is how you are habitually dealing with urges. Willpower is a regular go-to when we engage with our brain around urges. But if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you know that willpower fades and is never enough to totally eliminate pornography from your life. Creating and practicing new ways to deal with urges seems really simple, I know. When it comes to the things you are most effective at in your life, you have created habitual ways to engage with them. I’m reminded of Phil Mickelson and Michael Jordan and Tom Brady. Each of them has risen to the height of their sport. But how? By doing the same things, over and over and over and over until it was habitual, not reactionary. My...
As I was discussing pornography with one of my clients, an odd phrase occurred to me. Pornography is a participation trophy. On the podcast we don’t do a lot of porn bashing, mostly because when people come to listen I feel like they already have a really keen sense of shame and know full well that watching porn is not their ideal way of engaging in life.
And a concept that has been bubbling around in my head for a while is how effective pornography is at engaging people.
Let me tell you what I mean.
First off, I think its really important to recognize that validation is one of the most highly sought after interactions a lot of us chase. We look to others to validate our views, this is why we see the ever narrowing of our social media spheres of influence. We want the news programs that we watch to validate our sense of the world. We want our politicians to validate our sense of fairness or that the other side is doing us wrong.
Closer to home, we want our partner to validate the view we have of ourselves as a good spouse, a good parent, and a good lover. Why else would you ask, “How was it?” after dinner or dessert?
We want validation for a number of reasons, most important among them, it feels good.
This is part of the reason why, when we ask our spouse if they want to make love and they say no, it can be some of the most disorganizing, frustrating, and invalidating words our spouse can say.
When they say no, however they say no, it can feel personal, causing us to worry and feel like we aren’t enough, even that our spouse has rejected us.
So many of us feel even worse because we might have put in all kinds of effort to make the rejection less likely by cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, or whatever we think might keep our spouse from being able to say, “Yes.”
This desire for validation, especially the validation that I’m ok or I’m enough then shows up sometimes as neediness. I have a client who would view pornography and then after he viewed pornography and told his wife, he would mope and pout until she would have sex with him. He connected her having sex with him as a re-validation of himself into a person that was worthy of participating in their life.
As I’ve thought about pornography and it’s capacity to draw people in, although this is not the only reason people view porn, it seems to me that one really clear reason why people choose pornography is that it always validates them.
Think about it. No one ever goes to google and types in a search only to have the system say, “Oh, not tonight, I’m just not in the mood”.
Pornography is, especially in today’s day and age, always on. It always says, “Yes”. It is willing to try out anything you might want to try. It like the things you like. It believes in what you believe. It wants to please you. The face it makes is always one of desire for you.
You see, porn is like the participation trophy of emotional and sexual interaction.
You didn’t really earn it, but you got it anyway.
The difficult reality is, when we are willing to face up to who we want to really be, most of us don’t want participation trophies.
Most of us want our lives to be a mix of real desire and honest growth.
Neither of which come at a command, but are earned with effort, over time.
I used to think that once my wife and I could have sex because we were married that my pornography problem would go away. Then when we got married and my pornography problem kept going, I used to think that if we had sex that day, I wouldn’t turn to pornography. Then if we had sex that day and I chose pornography, I used to think that our sex life needed to be more interesting before my porn struggle would end. There are a lot of reasons why people choose pornography when they are morally opposed to it. Many of those reasons stem from trying to resolve an issue that is difficult or painful. Often they either do not have the tools to resolve these issues or that they are unskilled or unpracticed at using the tools they do have.
WIthin the Self Mastery Membership we dive deep into the tools you need as well as help you hone those tools to make them effective in your day to day life.
When I believed that sex would solve my pornography problem, I failed myself by believing that the answer to my struggle was outside me.
I believed that Darcy would solve my problems. I believed that God would make me stop somehow. (Agency tells us He won’t) I believed that if I had my needs met often enough and well enough that I simply wouldn’t have more desire than to be with my wife.
The idea that external forces will help us resolve our pornography problems is the same idea that keeps us from solving our pornography problems.
The more we believe that someone or something outside of us has power to solve for how we feel or what we need, the more we will believe that pornography can help us solve for how we feel or what we need.
The idea that Darcy could make it so I wouldn’t want porn is the same concept as porn could make it so I wouldn’t struggle with my difficult or painful issues.
When Darcy can make the bad of porn go away, porn can make the bad of loneliness go away.
Placing our ownership of what is going on for us outside of us, in the hands of a person, a substance, an electronic dopamine machine like video games, or in pornography only aleviates the struggle for a short time. Then, we have to face up to both our choices and our previously unaddressed difficulties.
So, if sex won’t solve your porn problem, what will?
I’ll give you a one word answer that you may not want to hear: YOU You are the only person who can solve for how you feel, why you choose porn, and learn the skills you need to practice in order to leave it behind.
I can teach you those skills, you can learn them through individual coaching or in the membership, but you have to be the one who takes the steps to make it happen.
Heavenly Father could create the perfect conditions that would make your life perfectly simple and easy to live, but you have to be the one who exercises your agency around pornography.
Your wife can have sex with you every day, three times a day, she can be understanding of your issue and not make you feel shame or guilt when you choose porn, she can be emotionally available and alway meet your “needs”, but you have to be the one who owns your emotions, experiences your frustrations, and resolves them internally before they become so overwhelming that you feel like you have to escape them.
This is why more sex won’t solve your porn problem.
You have to hold on to yourself and create the sense within yourself that you are capable of solving the problem, learn the skills and utilize them, and stop relying on externals to manage you.
This is why I don’t encourage accountability partners, too often we think of them as external checks on internal choices. (they can be effective if used as a way to become known more fully) This is why I don’t recommend internet or device filters
Create realistic expectations - Not expecting my husband to commit to things I know he doesn’t have skills for. Looking honestly at yourself Could you honestly commit to eliminating your coping mechanism immediately Instead of looking to give you a right answer, because that answer looks like it will give you peace of mind, it is about being able to Instead of expecting your partner to give you the right answer because it might make you feel better in the moment Become willing to hear the honest answer without losing yourself and becoming disregulated.
Creating realistic expectations reduces the possibilities that you are setting your partner up to make lying to you his safest move
Don’t make their behavior about you - This is difficult and they do impact you It may hurt when your partner doesn’t live up to your values and your shared values
Be willing to be wrong Reevaluating your understanding of pornography Being willing to address where you are not being or have not been kind in the relationship Become willing to see how you’ve been untrustworthy in the relationship. It might be good sense for your partner to not share what is going on for them around pornography What you do when you learn the truths and realities of your spouses struggle impacts their decisions, sense of self, and their sense of the relationship This is not an excuse for their choices, it is an awareness of your impact on them as you are becoming aware of their impact on you.
Become willing to hear the truth of where your spouse is in their journey Not internalize it to mean anything about you Be capable of choosing to be near your partner even when that truth is not what you want to hear
You become more trustworthy, which sets up a framework where openness and honesty are not simply expected but more likely. Because your partner becomes more aware of your capacity to hear their open, honest reality. And you become more capable of confronting their reality without needing to cater to their struggles or enfold into their anxiety.
Three secrets to creating trust after pornography Here is the truth of it. You can not make your wife trust you again. You do not have control over if your wife trusts you. All you can do is be someone who she can trust. Don't commit to things you can for sure follow through on. Be honest. Each of these revolves around an honest presentation of yourself, but probably not in ways that you have ever thought of before. Let go of the outcomes A lot of us have been working to manage our partner’s feelings This is something that is trackable and leads to a fundamentally dishonest way of interacting Client - when I speak with my wife, I’m often looking to figure out a way to present my side in a way that is least likely to have her blow up or get upset
Say “no” to your spouse when it is your true position Be willing to tell your partner “no” rather than trying to find the answer that will keep the peace, make her happy, or keep you from getting in trouble. example Darcy: Your partner knows when you’re telling them what they want to hear. They may like it in the moment, but it’s a hollow victory Our kids do this as well, they tell us the answer they think we want to hear. Clean rooms Be more circumspect about what you tell your partner. Don’t just say yes, because you think it’s what your partner wants Be careful in agreeing to a plan of action because you feel like you are in a one-down position of having messed up. Becoming willing to disappoint your partner if it is the more honest position If your partner asks you to never look at porn again saying “yes” even if that’s what you want to say, might undermine the trust in the relationship. example
When we say “no” from an honest position or disagree we are letting go of the outcome and offering our partner an opportunity to hear us being real with them. They are also going to be presented with an opportunity to grow through the process
Integrate your private self with your presented self Say what you are doing and do what you say. For instance, if you say you’re leaving work at 5 o’clock then you do so. This is like doing what you say, but I want to emphasize the cost Often we can rationalize not doing it. But, can you do it regardless of the ratio nalization. Become committed and take action in the direction of your values.
be willing to reevaluate, renavigate, and restate your position
Example
Hear what your partner is saying and make the argument for them about your behavior This is a process of self-confrontation and winning strategies in your arguments Self-confrontation - episode https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-127-overcome-pornography-through-self-confrontation-the-secret-to-intimacy-series-chapter-2-of-5 (127) Hearing what they have to say and understanding their perspective on how you are showing up Being willing to see your behavior objectively and without the need to defend it. I feel valued We can work together
One of the books that I have often recommended to my clients is a work by Dr. Robert Glover. His book, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a guide to men who have struggled to get what they want in “love, sex, and life”.
I’d like to share one of the key concepts from this book and a caution as you begin to integrate the ideas the book offers you.
First, what is a “Nice Guy” or as Dr. Glover nice guy syndrome? It is essentially this. Nice guys are men who, at the expense of their own happiness and from a position of hiding real and important parts about themselves seek the approval of others.
They do this at work, they do this in their church callings, and they do this in their personal lives, particularly as part of their marriages.
What this looks like is often saying, “yes” to things that they are not fully on board for, in an effort to gain the approval of those around them. Their boss, those they attend church with, and especially their spouses.
This may not sound problematic, as being a person who serves in their community is often a well-regarded thing. But this overwhelming need to seek the approval of others at the expense of one’s own honestly held position can create a problem called covert contracts.
Covert contracts are actions that we take in order to obligate others to take actions that validate us without their consent. An example of this might look like a spouse doing all the right things around the house, doing the dishes, cleaning up the house, getting the kids to bed and so on, in order to get their partner to have no possible excuse to not have sex with them.
At it’s core, a covert contract is a manipulation of those around you, in particular our spouses, into giving you validation through things like sex in a quid pro quo that the other party is not fully agreed to.
For some of you listening to this, you might be saying, “Well, how else am I supposed to get my partner to have sex with me, she always has some reason why not to, unless I maneuver her into feeling like she has to.”
When we create these covert obligations, in the long run, we end up alienating our partners, and get less of the things we want, including intimacy and sex. We are essentially manipulating our partners for coerced validation at the expense of self-validation and their desire for us.
What I find here is that many men feel like getting some sex, even bad, servicing-based sex, is better than no sex.
What we fail to see, from that perspective is, that the servicing sex that we end up getting isn’t fulfilling, but we can control, to some degree, when we get it.
That control is the thing that you and your partner will eventually push back against and may create damage to your relationship that is difficult to reconcile in the long run.
By the way, both men and women do this. My mom once told me that if she wanted something from my dad, she would have sex with him and then ask him about whatever she wanted. He was much more likely to give in to her position if she did that.
So, how do we stop creating covert contracts?
I’m going to give you two things that you can do. Part of the process of leaving behind covert contracts is letting go of the outcome. The other part is becoming more desirable.
Let’s start with being more desirable.
Most of us, if we take a few moments to examine our lives, can see a number of things that we would like to change or improve about ourselves. Those of us who engage or have engaged in covert contracts are often, fundamentally dishonest about what is real and truly going on for us internally. Meaning, we don’t really tell our partner what is true, we often tell them what we think we want
I had a conversation with a friend of mine who while we are about the same age, he started his family well after I did. His two kids are the same age as our youngest two kids. We worked together in Wisconsin and each week when we returned to work on Monday he would ask me, “what did you do this weekend?” My answer varied, but once I said, “I pulled weeds.” I don’t remember anything about that particular weekend’s worth of activities, but my friend recalls the story and brings it up occasionally when we chat. It made me realize that one weekend's worth of work is often what we think lasting change looks like. But in truth it is more like this: Last year we bought a house that we love, right next to the house that we used to own here in St George.
When we bought it, we had some pretty big ideas about what we wanted to do. We had a vision of what this property would look like when we had finished.
We got to work, I cut down 20 or so cedar trees that were shedding harsh, thorny bits all over the yard. We took out about 10 evergreen bushes that were both ugly and prickly. We built a wall so our yard would extend 5 to 10 more feet in the back. I started to lay a stone path in the backyard so we could have a nice comfortable place for the kids to play.
Then a back injury I received while playing football on Thanksgiving 2019 flared up and everything stopped.
During that period, the yard didn’t change much, but my concept of what the yard needed to look like and how I wanted it to change did. As I waited for my back to strengthen and heal, I kept thinking about how I wanted things to look in the yard.
Things that I thought were certain changed and morphed and became something completely different. As that evolution happened, I found that there were some new and awesome things that I loved about the way I wanted to do the yard. These were things I didn’t even have any idea about when I started the process of updating the yard.
While the new yard is far from complete, It is well on it’s way.
For many of you, the process of overcoming pornography will be the same.
As you listen to these podcasts and work on the things that you learn, you’ll have an idea of what it means to execute that skill. Some of you will ask questions about it during open coaching in the Self Mastery Membership, others of you will discuss it with your partner, and some of you will think it through and just do it.
As you go through episodes, ideas that you have will fade and you’ll move on to new concepts, adding them to your mind and letting them become a dominant force as you work to eliminate this unwanted habit.
You may even stop listening for a while, stop doing the work, and stop trying the skills because a particularly difficult setback has made it tough to continue.
All of that is ok. What I hope you will remember is that, if you will come back to it when you’re ready, you will keep growing, keep succeeding, and eventually overcome pornography forever.
That may sound simple or even naive, but it is the way I’ve seen things work for so many men and women. They learn, they grow, they stop, they restart, and they do it again.
Overcoming pornography is doable. I hope you see it.
In this interview with Josh and Amber, we discuss their success and how overcoming pornography has made their lives better.
This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session. The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.” This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn’t even know how to ask, asked for you!
This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast.
As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it.
The question we’re talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives.
The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”
First off, let’s talk about why we feel shame.
Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it.
Shame is often contrasted with guilt.
The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change.
Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to.
I’ve heard it said this way and this definition works for me.
Guilt comes when I understand that what I’ve done is not right for me.
Guilt comes when I’ve acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold.
As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad.
Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are.
Shame comes when when I believe that what I’ve done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable. Shame comes when I’ve acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I’m discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency.
Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad.
So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”
Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don’t fit your idea of who you want to be.
First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn
Learn something move forward.
Second thing you’ll need to eliminate shame when you’ve acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust. - Create intimacy - Practice openness. -
Third thing, understand that you are enough. - Atonement -
Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad. Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be.
Hear the true and amazing story of Jon, a client who's work with Zach gave him the freedom from pornography that he's been trying for years.
Happy Fathers’ Day yesterday! I hope it was a pleasant day with ample food and kind words. Before I forget, this week I have a free masterclass set up for you on Wednesday at 7:30 PM MT. We are going to be learning how to drop the porn struggle. Be sure to register at zachspafford.com/freecall How to become an expert on yourself and why it matters if you want to leave pornography behind
When I am talking with clients and reflecting back on my own experiences there are a few common themes I see.
How much time do you spend focusing on things outside of you trying to control your results?
How might things change if you stopped focusing on things outside of yourself and instead turn your focus inward on what you do have control over?
Part of the reason that we all struggle with anxiety, whether it is pornography related or not, is that there is a near-universal sense among us that something outside of us is causing our pain.
When we struggle, especially when that struggle involves other people, we tend to label them as the problem. While it is true that, by virtue of being a human, others, especially our spouses, can be part of the problem, it is much more important to recognize our own role in our anxieties and why they exist.
We say things like, “if only my wife would have sex with me more.” Or, “I wish Sharon in accounting would dress more modestly.”
What is happening is that our anxiety around being a good person, finds a place outside of us to focus and makes that the problem. Once that occurs, we no longer own our agency, we’ve given it away, often to someone who has no idea they have it.
While this isn’t the only reason people choose pornography or struggle when their spouse does, it is one that I want to talk about today.
I also want to give you one simple exercise that you can use to begin leaving behind your external focus and refocus on yourself as the owner and agent of your own happiness.
When we are anxious, there are basically four responses that are available to us. You’re probably familiar with fight and flight, but there is also freeze and worry.
Worry is probably the one that comes up most often when we are talking about anxiety around pornography. For men and women who choose pornography, we are worrying about how we are going to keep from viewing or choosing pornography. For women and men who are supporting someone who chooses pornography, they are worrying about how they can keep their partner from choosing pornography in the future.
This endless cycle of worry and imagining new worries is keeping us from engaging directly with actual, reality based struggles that we are facing.
I think, this worry cycle also puts us in a place of victimhood. When we label the source of our struggle as some external individual or force that we don’t have any power to control, we become victims in a perpetual downward spiral of victimhood, trying to control, and failure that leads to repeating the process.
This is us, investing a lot of time and energy and not getting what we want out of it.
For pornogrpahy users, we invest in programs, plans, and giving power to others, only to find that when the urge comes and we are on the path of finding porn, we find it.
For spouses, we invest in thinking up ways to manage our partner’s internet, working to distract their eyeballs, and worrying excessively about the next time they might fail us, because we can’t control them.
For pornography users, we also spend a lot of time working to manage our spouse’s perceptions of us.
All of us understand that the behaviors of our spouse are part of the problem because they are really important to us and their behavior impacts us.
What we forget is that...
This week we are going to discuss your cycle of avoidance and how to recognize what is going on for you around this cycle and a few things you can do to help remove yourself from the cycle. We’ve talked about experiential avoidance or buffering in episodes https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-5 (5), https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-6 (6), and https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/what-is-pornography-addiction (135). I’ll link to those episodes in the show notes. Humans have a unique ability to problem-solve. From the very beginning of human existence, we have learned how to survive in the world. ONE OF THE 3 THINGS our brains are designed to do is avoid pain. If you have listened to this podcast from the beginning, this is not a new concept for you. If you think back thousands of years ago when we had to hunt and grow our own food, and physically provide safety and shelter from the elements of this world avoiding pain was a very essential part of everyday life. Over the years we have learned that avoiding pain helps keep us alive! In the physical world, this is VERY important. Imagine if your house was on fire. What would you do?
I imagine I would make sure my loved ones were safe and run out as fast as I could. I would do everything in my power to avoid the hot flames and in doing so it would keep me safe. By avoiding the fire it makes it possible to continue living!
We tend to react to our psychological pain the same way we react to our pain in the physical world.
For instance, You might have a stressful workday, and instead of dealing with the stress in a productive way, you might avoid your feelings by engaging with pornography.
Another example may be that you approached your spouse for physical intimacy and felt and received a no answer which made you feel rejected. Instead of feeling rejected, you might seek out pornography.
You might have a stressful day with the kids and turn to chocolate to relieve some of that stress.
Our brains think that avoiding pain inside of our head is the same as avoiding pain on the outside. When we try to problem solve psychological pain in the same manner it often leads us further down the path of discomfort in the long run.
Every one of us has a cycle of avoidance.
For some of us, it is a cycle that circles around avoiding parts of our lives through eating. For others, it is a cycle that revolves around pornography, and others still avoid their lives through shopping or other behaviors that run contrary to our values.
Here’s what that looks like in real-time: instead of working on your project’s upcoming due dates, you scroll social media avoiding getting started on your work and putting yourself further behind.
Or: rather than get studying for your upcoming exams like you planned on, you open a browser on your phone and start looking for sexually explicit material.
Or, finally, instead of getting your house ready for the week by doing a load of laundry, you hide in the pantry and eat a sweet snack so your kids don’t catch you.
Darcy and I use a system called acceptance and commitment coaching, a key component of which is the word acceptance.
Often, the main reason we suffer is that we are not accepting our lives and our unpleasant or unwanted feelings.
This desire to avoid discomfort leads to experiential avoidance or the avoidance of the experience of being uncomfortable.
If we really want to avoid pornography or any other unwanted habit that we have, we must accept these uncomfortable feelings and learn how to deal with them directly.
These kinds of avoidance behaviors are like getting stuck in a roundabout where each exit point that is available to us means that we will have to be uncomfortable while moving toward our ultimate goal, so instead of getting out of the cycle, we stay put, circling around...
This week is a really busy week. YM camp up in Enterprise and speaking at a Youth Conference here in town. The more angst that we have toward pornography, we think is going to create the motivation to stay away. But what that is more likely doing is giving it power over you. I think we think that if we create a harsh relationship with something, it will banish that thing from our lives. Often, the more we hate something, the more power it seems to have over us. It, somehow gets to live in our heads rent-free. When we are angry and bitter toward someone or something, that anger won’t let us move past that issue. How has hating porn helped you in this struggle? When we acknowledge it from a place of gratitude, we can acknowledge the role that it played in our life, learn from it more fully, and move beyond it when we’ve grown past it. Acknowledging the role that pornography played in your life. Acknowledging ways that porn helped you to survive when other coping methods didn’t work. This thank you, has allowed me to claim back my choice, claim back my ownership of my life and create closure from it. Gratitude for what it has done for us while also moving toward and choosing something that we do want, helps us move forward with power. It’s time to break up with porn. Dear porn, Thank you for being the trial that made me into a better person. I know that seems strange to say, but it’s the truth. Because of our relationship, I was driven to be an amazing provider and hard worker. I’m not proud of all the things I did with you and all the ways that I used you to mitigate my short-term discomfort. But I realize now, that’s not your fault. That was my choice and not something you made me do. Because I chose porn, I had a ready system to fall back on when my ability and skill at dealing with my life wasn’t enough. But I also used you as a crutch when I could have stood on my own. And that’s not your fault either. I chose that. So, thank you for being there and helping me when I really needed to do it myself. Thank you for helping me learn empathy. I’m grateful for my capacity to be kinder to those who struggle and less judgemental of their flaws. When I see someone who struggles with life, I used to wonder why they couldn’t get it together. Now I realize that they are just learning, growing, and trying their best. If I really want to help them, I can be there for them without judgment and with empathy for what they are going through. I also want to thank you for helping me find my purpose in life. Without porn I would probably never have become a coach helping people solve their own pornography problems. Here’s something that I never thought pornography would help me with, ever! Thank you, for helping me build the relationship, love, and intimacy that I had always wanted with my wife. Without this struggle, without pornography being the focal point of our marriage for so many years, I would not have learned to be honest and open with Darcy. I would not have learned to trust her, listen to her, and value that I can tell her anything, knowing that she can handle it and that we can resolve it, together. Thank you, for catalyzing this growth and helping me learn that I would be able to trust Darcy. I realize that most people who don’t want you in their lives see you as the reason for their misery. But because of you, I was able to learn how to become happy. Not because you make me happy, but because I had to learn the skills to leave you behind, and those skills I get to use in so many parts of my life to grow and learn, which makes me happy. Thank you Darcy thought it might be cool for her to also write a thank you letter to porn....
Willingness to think differently about the problem
Episode 89 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-89-emotional-debtor (Emotional Debtor) and Episode 100 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-100-pornography-is-not-the-problem-change-the-conversation-from-fear-to-love (Pornography is not THE problem)
An understanding of what is happening and why Can’t run away, can’t push it out of your mind You have to face it Ask questions Be willing to confront what it is objectively and curiously
Listen to - Episode 82 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-82-easter-the-atonement-and-agency (Easter, the Atonement, and Agency) 57 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-57-learn-something-move-forward (Learn Something and Move Forward)
A specific set of skills Let me ask you who you would rather learn from, a Harvard professor with 30 years of experience learning about business who has never made payroll, never hired or fired anyone, and never had to actually make a profit. Or a person who has for 30 years, honed his craft, made profit, learned from his mistakes, and made himself millions of dollars, employed thousands of people, and profited himself, his company, and his stakeholders. Inside my membership and in individual coaching you’ll find the skills that I teach are different than anything anyone else has ever offered you.
Listen to episode 141 -https://player.captivate.fm/episode/4c17b692-6aba-4dc9-9dc9-32056406a26c ( 3 Secrets to Managing Emotions) and Episode 131 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-131-choice-point-to-overcome-pornography (Choice Point to Overcome Pornography).
How much power do you give the random strangers in Las Vegas. On Friday we had tickets to see Jim Gaffigan in Las Vegas. I was looking forward to it. Darcy was, too.
Unfortunately, Jim got Covid and the show was canceled at the last minute.
We didn’t find out until after we were down there and had dinner.
So, we decided to catch another show.
While I went to the bathroom Darcy and our friends picked Penn and Teller. It was ok. Kind of cool to see people that are famous.
We went to dinner, we went shopping at Trader Joe’s because we don’t have one here in St George. So, if you are listening and have any clout with the TJ’s people, please let us have one here.
Then we went over to the Rio where the Penn and Teller show is. We were about an hour early, so we decided to just hang out in the parking lot since none of us gamble and the inside of a casino is still a place where you can smoke in Las Vegas.
Boy did we get a show before the show.
To our surprise, we found that the Rio parking lot was the shuttle area for those going to an outdoor music event that features electronic dance music called Electric Daisy Carnival.
From what I could tell this is a music festival where the women dress in their absolutely most revealing clothes and the men dress up in the same thing they would wear to go play basketball.
This was an amazing opportunity for us to practice what we preach here on the podcast and that we help people work on and through in our membership and individual coaching.
We would like to share our experience with you and a few tips on how you can thrive as individuals and couples when life offers you an experience like the one that we had on Friday.
Just because someone is showing their body, that doesn’t mean my partner is sexualizing it. It was good to see the body objectively They were just moving across the stage It was a physical representation of letting something come into your mind and allowing it to move off on its own. They came and then they went one after another. Really, objectively noticing but not sexualizing. In the past, would have been a lot more on high alert I wasn’t a zero on the calm level, but I wasn’t panicking. It was so absurd that we could talk and joke about it rather than making it more than just what we were seeing.
Just because there is a nearly naked body, that doesn’t mean that it’s a problem. - In the past I would have to pretend that I’m not seeing this. I wouldn’t have been able to mention anything that I was seeing and I would not have been able relax at all. It was a dishonest position inherently. Indicating that I was seeing it would have created greater tension But there would have been a lot of tension there already. It would have been this fake moment. Then I would have waited for the inevitable questions from Darcy “What were you looking at” “were you fantasizing about it” Were you wishing I wasn’t there so you could just gawk? Is that going to lead to something?
I don’t have to give my power and emotional energy to the random strangers I wouldn’t have been able to be present, or enjoy myself, There wouldn't have been laughing or joking This would have felt like a threat, almost like a life and death situation The way i don’t give away my power is by realizing, I don’t have control over this and neither does my partner. Also, realizing that this is legal, Other people find this ok, and I don’t have to be mad about that. “Ok, alright, these people are dressed for the moment” and that’s ok I wouldn’t have worn that. It was asking, how much power do I want to give these strangers that are...
Our 4-year-old is an adorable little girl holding her own in a household of 8 kids and two adults. She is also a tiny human who I find fascinating to watch because she is an open book of emotions. When she is sad she lets us know. When she is happy, she wants to share that. When she is excited it shows on her face and in her voice.
The other day, Darcy was with her and she became upset that she wasn’t going to be able to get to play with her friends, having thought that was an option.
As she started to cry, Darcy just noticed out loud for her, “you must be frustrated, how does that feel? Do you want to take some breaths and come play with us when you are ready?” then went back to what she was doing.
In the way that only a 4-year-old who is both super cute and highly articulate can, she cried for a moment or two longer, took her breaths, and came back to the fun while explaining how she had taken her breaths and was ready to play again.
Without realizing it, Darcy and our four-year-old did exactly the only thing that we can really do when it comes to dealing with our emotions.
In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching we call this dropping anchor.
It is one of the most effective ways that we can deal with our unwanted or unpleasant emotions, thoughts, feelings or sensations and, quite accidentally, one of the key skills we have taught our little girl.
Dropping anchor is a simple process and it is a component of the three secrets to managing emotions around any subject.
One of the biggest reasons people choose pornography is because it is a way to take control of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
Let me tell you what I mean by that. If you are lonely, for example, because you’re on a business trip and your mind is offering you thoughts like, “you might as well just look at porn because you know it’s inevitable.” One of the ways that many people try to manage that, or get it to go away is either to fight with it until their willpower runs out or give into it.
I’ve talked about willpower in episodes 38 and 134 which I will link to in the show notes.
Suffice it to say that willpower won’t get you all the way there and giving in will make it so that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy that will repeat itself forever until you learn the skills you need to stop. We do a deep dive into this in the membership and in individual coaching, which you can sign up for at zachspafford.com.
But what I want you to focus on here are the three secrets to managing your emotions. So, imagine you are there in that hotel room or wherever, you can use a situation where you have given into pornography.
In that moment with our 4-year-old, you can see the three secrets that you need to manage your emotions any time, anywhere.
Become familiar with your emotions Learn how to diffuse from those feelings Practice your newfound skills daily
I’ll teach you what each of these are and what they mean here, and if you want to learn more, I have a free Masterclass that you can come to tomorrow night at 830 Mountain time. All you have to do is go to zachspafford.com/freecall
Become familiar with your emotions - create a vocabulary and seek to notice and describe your experience.
Start by learning about different emotions that exist. Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the heart described a research project where she asked people to describe their emotions. Most people only had 3 emotions. This lack of understanding is keeping us from being able to recognize what is going on for us, as well as, being prepared to deal with it
I would say that I am highly capable when it comes to fixing problems.
But it is nearly impossible to make a plan on how to solve a problem...
In this interview with Latter-day Life Coaches, Zach discusses changing the Narrative around pornography and pornography addiction to help us create a shameless conversation geared toward overcoming pornography and utilizing the agency inherent in all of us. If you would like to learn more, check out zachspafford.com/blog
Join Zach and Darcy as they discuss an email they received about pornography use. Listen to more episodes at zachspafford.com/blog
Overcoming pornography isn’t just pushing a new thought into your mind to supersede the thoughts that have naturally occurred. I think we’ve all heard the analogy of the stage of your mind and how we can become totally free from the plague of our unwanted thoughts by just changing what’s on the stage.
While I think this is a worthy attempt to advise and assist those struggling with pornography or any other issue, it falls short in actual practice.
There was an experiment called the pink elephant or white bear experiment that gave us a pretty good indication of what trying to push thoughts out of your head or trying not to think a certain thought does.
If you’re not familiar with the pink elephant experiment, let me tell you about it, from the perspective of bacon.
I love bacon. You have probably heard me talk about bacon on the podcast before, but if you haven’t it is one of my top favorite foods.
The smell of it is inviting, the flavor is the most amazing combination of salty and umami, the crunch of it in a BLT sandwich is the most perfect feeling in the world.
Now that you are hopefully fully in the grips of a desire to eat bacon, let’s try the experiment.
Starting now and For the next 60 seconds, you are not allowed to think about bacon. Each time you think about bacon then you have to pay me a dollar. (Feel free to venmo me at theselfmasterycoach)
Part of the reason you’ll need to pay me a dollar is to raise the stakes of the experiment. The higher the stakes in this bacon experiment, the more difficult it will be for you to force your thoughts to stay away from the crispy, chewy, warm, savory bacon that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
As you try not to think about the bacon I’ve asked you not to think about, you might find your mind wandering back to that unwanted thought. You might find that the smell of bacon in the morning greeting you from bed just pops into your mind. You might realize that you’re thinking about your favorite kind of bacon, thick or thin, Maplewood or smoked. Just make a tally mark each time you do think of the delicious, amazing bacon that you’ve eaten in the past, or count on your fingers each instance of all the future bacon you’ll eat as it pops into your mind.
Any time you think about the bacon in your food and on your plate, you might also notice how much money you lose to me. Notice how, when you lose money, you don’t like it. So, you try harder not to think about the mouthwatering, flavorful treat that you’re not supposed to think about.
Ok, experiment end.
How did you do? If you are like most people you probably found that bacon came to mind a lot more than you might have wanted it to.
Now, you don’t really have to Venmo me, but you also might have noticed that if you took up the challenge for real and really intended to send money if you thought of the bacon, how much more difficult it became because of the loss factor.
This is essentially the pink elephant or white bear experiment.
In a series of experiments, researchers found that participants were more preoccupied with thinking about a white bear, despite being asked to not think of one.
The conclusion was that trying to suppress thoughts “has paradoxical effects as a self-control strategy,” which can lead to obsession or preoccupation despite desiring and working toward the opposite.
In other words, when we try not to think of something and actively work to distract ourselves from that thing, we are more likely to become obsessed with it and it is more likely to become the focus of our minds.
What does this have to do with pornography?
You probably already have some sense, but I’m going to
I’d like to take you back to general conference a few weeks back. I loved listening to President Nelson as he spoke about how to keep spiritual momentum. If you don’t recall the talk, he offered 5 ways to Maintain positive spiritual momentum.
The five were Get on the covenant path and stay there. Discover the joy of daily repentance. Learn about God and how He works. Seek and expect miracles. End conflict in your personal life.
I’d like to talk about number 3 tonight and discuss an issue that I find keeps my clients from being able to successfully employ prayer in their quest to overcome pornography.
I’ve made a study of prayer over the course of my life and find, sometimes, our prayers are ineffectual because we approach the act of prayer and the requests in our prayer in ways that do not conform to the purpose of prayer.
As I struggled with pornography I often found myself praying earnestly to Heavenly Father. When I drove was the time I often felt most able to pray out loud and listen for the answers.
As I drove I would pour out my heart and plead for things that I was certain Heavenly Father would want to give me.
It was a time of deep frustration because, no matter how hard I prayed, I never received the answers or blessings that I felt like I was asking for.
It took many years of work to get to the point where I am now. And I see prayer very differently than I did when I was a 19 year old working to get on my mission.
In thinking back to that time, I want to share 3 ways that you can change your prayers to become more effective at engaging with our Heavenly Father in ways that, I believe He will be more able to answer you, bless you, and help you become the person you are trying to be.
The three ways to improve your prayers to overcome pornography are:
Seek Understanding Maintain Agency Be Willing to Try
Whether you are talking about a pornography addiction or just in general, these lessons will hopefully give you meaningful ways that you can utilize prayer more effectively to overcome pornography.
Seek understanding
The first thing that I think we need to do differently is to seek understanding from our Heavenly Father.
That might seem obvious. But I promise, it wasn’t obvious to me and when you hear what I mean, it might not have been the obvious answer to you either.
One of the things that I often did in my prayers was to ask my Father in Heaven to give me the strength or make my burden light, both phrases that we hear in the scriptures as important figures seek the blessings they want and need.
In asking for these things, it felt like there should have been some inexplicable moment and then poof, my issues were gone.
What has changed for me is that I believe that growth is our most important activity here and growth is hard to come by when poof your issues are resolved by heavenly intervention.
While I’m not discounting the times that divine shifts are made on our behalf, I also don’t believe that the Lord is going to move mountains that we are meant to climb.
In that spirit, I believe most of our prayers must center around learning, growing, and understanding. I also believe that words matter, what we ask for is what we ask for and we won’t be offered something else. The Bible dictionary touches this point by saying, prayer is part of the process of getting the blessings that our HF is willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.
So, asking for God to lighten our burden when that burden is the one that will grant us the empathy we need to become something more, He’s not going to say, “Well, you asked for your burden to be lightened, so I’ll give you something else instead.” I think the...
I was working with a client this week and he said something that really struck me. He said, the work that we had been doing made him think that he was less depressed, more hopeful, no longer part of the addict class.
This got me thinking.
When I was attending 12 step meetings and saying, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m a porn addict” the message of being an addict was clear. Once a porn addict, always a porn addict.
I don’t know why this ideology grew up in the 12 step system. No matter why it’s there, being a forever addict seems to be the way that we are encouraged to think about our struggles when it comes to pornography.
It baffles me a little because it would seem to be contrary to everything that the 12 step program would be working toward.
This seemingly contradictory message of being a forever addict while simultaneously participating in a group that has, as its core mission, eliminating an addictive behavior from your life is, I believe one of the reasons 12 step groups fail to succeed and most people fail to actually eliminate their problems within those groups.
Dr. Lance Dodes, author of The Sober Truth, details the evidence in his book, that about 5% of people who participate in 12 step groups are successful at actually eliminating their pornography addiction. That is, by the way, the same percentage that occurs when you just do the work on your own and just decide to quit. People who do it without any program, succeed about 5% of the time. So, in terms of evidence based analysis of successful systems of intervention, 12 step programs are about as likely to help you overcome pornography for good as if you went to no one and did it on your own.
By contrast, Acceptance and Commitment coaching has a 95% success rate at 30 days and 80% at 6 months.
But back to the idea that Once a porn addict, always a porn addict has always been something that I bristled at, even when I was deep in the 12 step ethos.
Why?
I think there are 3 reasons why being a forever addict is not only a bad idea, but it is actually holding you back and keeping you from succeeding at overcoming pornography.
Being an addict reduces your responsibility over your actions.
When we use addiction language we are often putting off responsibility for our actions to something outside of us.
For instance, the phrase “I slipped this week and looked at porn.” Which is a phrase I’ve said and heard countless times. It sets the locus of control for the actions outside of the person.
It is even self contradictory. The first part, I slipped, conjures up a sense that some unseen force like gravity pulled me in a direction that I did not choose. The same as when we say, I slipped on some Ice or I slipped down the mountain.
Gravity, regardless of your choices is taking you in a direction that you are not choosing to go.
But then we say, I looked at porn, which looking is an action we take.
I often ask people, when you view pornography how does it happen? They tell me things like how they go on their computer or phone, they start with some website or another and after a few minutes they are engaged in viewing pornography.
I have never once, had anyone tell me that someone showed up to their house and chained them to a chair, and made them watch pornography.
We talk like we are out of control, but the reality is that we are making the choices even though we regret them later.
That isn’t to say that there isn’t compulsion or urging in that direction, because, for most people there is. But compulsion isn’t the same as being out of control and unable to choose. It is that there are real, strong, and compelling reasons to view...
Hey, this month we are doing a webinar for those who want help overcoming pornography If you’re listening to this podcast and like what you hear, take the next step and come to our webinar on april 20th at 730 mt, there’s a link in the show notes or you can go to zachspafford.com/freecall
The seed for today’s podcast came from a post by a guy named Kris Heap. in that he equated success to the way that an auction happens.
Everything we do has a price. In order to achieve desired results in our lives we have to be willing to cover the cost.
We pay those costs in a variety of different ways.
Money Time Energy Effort Discomfort Commitment Willingness
Some of those seem synonymous and some of them have varied connotations, but whatever you want to call it, doesn’t really matter. You and everyone you know, pays for what we get.
Darcy’s family comes from an amazing history of auctioneers.
What are some of the cool things your grandpa and dad and uncles were part of auctioning off?
Darcy- I sent my dad a text and asked him about the most interesting things that he had auctioned.
Hellen Keller - we still have some of her pieces at my parents house, including this Giant Tiger scroll that is in a japanese style
Revson Estate - which was the owner of Revlon
In their work as auctioneers they saw this happen so many times.
As the price of the item goes up, fewer people will seek to put forth the cost of getting the thing they are bidding on.
The true value of the item is revealed based on the amount the people who are bidding are willing to pay for the item.
In our work, people have come to us and tell us that they have a pornography addiction.
Last week I talked about why I don’t like using the term pornography addiction, but that is what people tell us, and we are happy to meet them where they are.
In fact, last week we did a poll and about 80% of the people that responded said they felt like they were addicted to pornography or they believed their spouse is.
In a way, that person who is talking to us is placing an opening bid on overcoming their pornography struggle.
When we talk to people they want to know, what is it actually going to take. That first conversation is the opening bid, and it is a pretty low one.
What’s the cost of the conversation? Basically, nothing. A little time.
Darcy and I love speaking to people and we love sharing our story, we do it for free in fifth Sunday lessons, zoom meetings like the one that I mentioned earlier, firesides, and in everyday conversations with random people who are impacted by pornography use in their lives.
Each of those conversations is amazing and I think it elevates awareness and possibilities for each person to a new level.
Every time Darcy does a fireside, or speaks to a Sunday school class, she just lights up and is happy for days.
We get an immense amount of joy out of the work we do.
We want you to get an immense amount of joy out of the work we do as well. So, we would like to talk about the transactional cost of overcoming pornography.
If you think back to the auctioneer, only those who are willing to pay the price receive the prize. That is as true in commerce as it is in our mental and emotional lives.
A contractor, like an auctioneer, often puts out bids to see what people are willing to pay to get their place remodeled.
Remodeling pornogrpahy out of your life is like remodeling your home. Looking at what is there, deciding you don’t like it, and figuring out, what will it take to make my life look the way I want it to.
So, we’ve put together a cost sheet. An itemized bid, if you will, of...
What is pornography addiction? When I was growing up and as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints anyone who views pornography is essentially labeled as a pornography addict.
I’ve talked about my experience with the Addiction Recovery Program or ARP that I attended in both Wisconsin and California. I have talked about why I don’t believe in the idea that most people are pornography addicts. In episode 54 I covered in-depth how believing you’re an addict is basically a self-fulfilling prophesy that creates more harm than good.
But I want to take a moment and talk about what I believe we mean when we say that we are addicted to porn and how changing the narrative around this pervasive idea will do more good for those who engage in viewing pornography than continuing with the current narrative that they are porn addicts.
As members of the Church, we often talk about pornography in absolute terms. Either you’re addicted or you’re sober.
Based on the way that I have observed others discuss the issue, being a pornography addict means that you are experiencing arousal while using graphic media. This media depicts the bodies of men or women in any state of dress. They could be fully clothed, wearing bathing suits or standard underwear, all the way up to and including the most graphic sexual imagery.
This is my observation, so, I could be wrong or misperceiving the intent of others as they speak about this. But, I think, after having spoken openly about pornography for so many years now, I’ve gathered some sense of the issues.
This definition is problematic, for a few reasons. First being, this definition is so broad and encompasses so much that it would be hard for anyone who wanted to purchase a nice bathing suit for their spouse not to identify as a pornography addict because they found the swimsuit models attractive.
This definition pathologizes into addiction the sexual arousal of a teen boy (or grown man for that matter) merely noticing the beauty of another person depicted in media.
It makes us bad, simply for seeing something that we might find attractive on some level for some reason.
The problem with that is, as humans, we all experience the reality of noticing the beauty of another person at some point. I think that most people have even experienced a sense that they might want to have an intimate relationship with someone because of that noticed beauty.
Unfortunately, when we define sexual addiction or pornography addiction in this way, it loads so much meaning onto our shoulders that it becomes nearly impossible to carry in a healthy or meaningful way.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I want to be clear, I am not advocating for us to swing all the way to the other side and stop using judgment to determine what appropriate media we want to view in our lives.
But, if we can redefine pornography addiction, in some small way to lighten that burden, I believe that would be the most valuable thing we could do to decrease pornography viewing in the lives of those who struggle.
When we speak about pornography addiction, I think that we are actually talking about experiential avoidance. I use the term buffering as well, but Experiential avoidance is the term that I think best describes what is really happening.
I’ve worked with thousands of men and women, individually and in the membership, each of whom started to realize one thing when they dropped the idea that they were addicted to pornography. What they realized is, that they were avoiding something and pornography was the thing that was helping them do it.
Simple questions like, “what were you feeling in the 5 to 10 minutes before you choose to view pornography?” provide the insight that I needed and...
You can join a free call to overcome your pornography addiction at zachspafford.com/freecall During a coaching session this week my client and I were discussing agency and how language matters in the way that we perceive our struggles and engage with our trials. As we were talking about pornography we were going over the different ways that we deal with other things that we abstain from. In particular, beer. I think i’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but I’ll just touch on it briefly here. If you want to go into the way you’re thinking about things in depth, the membership and individual coaching are great ways to really dig in and actually apply these concepts to your life. Most of us have been offered a beer in our lives. When I worked for an insurance company, I even had a coworker tell me that he was going to get me to drink as if it was a badge of honor. To be fair, we lived in Wisconsin at the time which has a deep tradition and culture of drinking. It is the home of a number of major breweries and Milwaukee, the biggest city, has more bars per person than any other city in the country. Basically, drinking beer is a way of life in Wisconsin. Totally unrelated to this story, two fun facts, In Wisconsin, you can take your 12 year old to the bar with you and they will serve them beer if the parent consents and your first seven drunk driving offenses were misdomeners until just recently. That’s how big beer is in WI. In that interaction with my coworker, I was polite and happy to banter with him, but I wasn’t going to drink a beer with him. I would say things like, I don’t drink and that’s just not something for me. As he pressed me, saying “oh, you’re not allowed to drink because your church says so.” I found myself double-checking my reasons for not drinking. It was never really in doubt, it was simply a check at my core of why it was that I had never had a beer. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t allowed to drink. I didn’t feel like my church would cast me off if I did. I didn’t feel like my wife would be upset and leave me if I had a beer. (some of you may remember that Darcy joined the church as a teen and her family aren’t members) It came down to this. I felt like I could drink a beer with this coworker if I wanted. But I didn’t want to and so I choose not to. It was my choice. It wasn’t something I wasn’t allowed. So, I simply said, I could drink, I just choose not to. As I was coaching my client we were talking about agency, which is essential to our ability to own and make decisions. I talk about agency in-depth in my first episode Agency and Addictive behaviors and episode 82 Easter, the Atonement, and Agency, I would highly recommend you go back and listen to those episodes and get a sense of how agency works. As we were discussing his sense of whether he was choosing this and how agency plays into the way we act, he said, “I found that if I say, I’m never going to do this again, it puts the decisions into such a big picture that it’s hard to make choices from that long term [perspective].” I don’t know if you are hearing this the way that I did in that moment. But it was a profound lesson for me. It was this lightbulb moment that made my conversations with my coworker make more sense about who I was and how retaining our agency is such an essential tool that any time we become rigid and inflexible in our sense of what we will and won’t do, begin to lose our agency and we begin to lose the battle of our choices. When someone has asked me why I can’t drink, I’ve always said, “I can, but I choose not to”. I don’t intend to ever drink, I don’t think I ever will. But, I’ve also retained my agency, even while saying no thanks to alcohol. I didn’t say, “I’ll never drink” I
Real quick, before we get too far, I have a free masterclass for anyone who wants to overcome pornography forever. https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall (https://www.zachspafford.com/freec)https://www.zachspafford.com/freeclass (all) Here you’ll learn how you can overcome pornography forever. I want to talk about why it may be that you are not telling your partner about your pornography struggle. You may be one who always tells your partner. There are a lot of reasons that I believe this is the best course of action in the long run. The biggest reason that I believe this is the best is that it allows your partner to actually know you. What I mean by this is, when you tell your partner what goes on for you when you are alone with yourself, they get a real sense of who you are and can more fully make decisions about how they want to choose you or even reject parts of you that they don’t like. You might not like the idea of being rejected. But I can tell you from personal experience, being rejected from an open and vulnerable position, rather than being validated from a dishonest position is more valuable to your development as a person and your process of leaving behind pornography. Being validated or told you are enough or good or loved from a dishonest, hiding position, leaves us with even greater guilt and possibly shame over not being who we say we are and our partner even more confused about who we really are. Speaking of who we are, telling your partner about your pornography activity allows you to live with greater integrity. There are two meanings for integrity that are important here. The first is living with greater truthfulness. Think of it this way. Would you rather get hired after telling your employer that you have a certificate or diploma you do not, only to look over your shoulder for the rest of the time you work there and live in dishonesty? Or be rejected by that same employer, with the knowledge that you have been honest, earn the respect of the employer and come back stronger later when you’ve actually gotten what you need to be employable? The second is living in a more integrated way with the person you are when you are alone and when you are with others. Your private self is more fully integrated with your public self. So, even though we may suffer rejection in the short term, as I spoken about on the podcast before, we earn greater trust with our partner and with ourselves that we are being who we say we are, even if we are not yet living up to our moral standards around pornography. This is about the aggregation of marginal gains. Getting a little better here, even at a cost, is going to help us succeed at overcoming pornography for good. Now you may not feel like it is worthwhile to tell your partner and they may have told you not to tell them. That is between you and them. I am simply offering my very real sense of what has made the most difference for me as I have overcome pornography personally. Those are the reasons for telling your partner. What, then, might be keeping you from telling your significant other about your pornography struggles? One may be that you promised that you would never do it again and you will admit that you’ve failed. Let’s talk about that for just a moment. First, if you have not promised that you would never look at pornography again to someone else, I would shy away from that idea. If you are going to be having this conversation with someone else, you want to set yourself up for success. The first thing you’ll want to recognize about the promise to never look at pornography again is, it is very unlikely that you will be able to avoid pornography for the rest of your life no matter what you do. I...
If you’re anything like me, in your quest to eliminate pornography, you probably have tried to eliminate everything. You might have gotten rid of your phone, blocked all the apps, given over your access code to someone else, tried avoiding certain shops at the mall, not gone to the beach. Those are the physical things.
Mentally and emotionally, you might have tried to eliminate urges, run from your emotions, suppressed your sex drive, and generally worked to stop feeling, sensing, or thinking about anything to do with pornography or sexuality.
In all the avoiding you’ve done, I want you to just think for a moment and ask yourself, has it really helped?
What I mean is, has it helped you become the person you want to be? Has it helped you grow and love and triumph in your life?
If you are anything like me, or any of my clients, the answer is very likely, no.
I’ll admit, each of those techniques, may have helped you succeed at distancing yourself from your last pornography session. They may have been helpful in slowing down the number of times each week, month, or year that you turn to pornography.
But, there is a good chance, that if you’ve been suppressing your life to avoid pornography, you’ve been suppressing your happiness and growth on the way.
In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching, there is an idea called experiential avoidance, which is about utilizing certain methods, processes, or techniques, to avoid the real and sometimes unpleasant experiences of our lives.
The problem with experiential avoidance is that when we avoid the bad, we are also avoiding the amazing, wonderful, and deeply joyful experiences of our lives.
Here’s what I mean.
If I suppress my emotions so that I don’t feel sexual in order to avoid pornography drawing me in, I also am suppressing my wholly appropriate and deep desire to be intimate with my wife.
As a result, there is a good chance that something will give eventually.
It may be that my suppression will work for a time, but will power always runs out and then what happens? What has happened to you when you’ve pushed down the feelings and temptations for a long time?
An analogy that I like to use is that of a beach ball at the pool.
If you’ve ever tried to push a beach ball under the water, you’ve found that you can control it as long as you concentrate on it. As long as you manage it actively. But, eventually, your mind may wander, you may become distracted, you may have to deal with something and boom - out of the water blasts the beach ball.
Our emotions, feelings, and urges are like that. In trying to avoid them, we push them under until there is a moment when we no longer have the capacity to control them.
That is what experiential avoidance looks like. We avoid certain experiences for as long as we can and then they overtake us and overwhelm us and we lose control.
In addition to losing control, we’ve also lost out on so many beautiful, amazing, experiences that can enrich our lives and help us feel the fulfillment we have been seeking.
Imagine being at the pool and spending your entire time focused on pushing that beach ball under the water and keeping it there.
When others offer to play a game, you’ll be busy. When someone wants to engage in meaningful conversation, you’ll be distracted. When your family wants to grab a quick picture with you, you’ll be somewhere else.
As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that there were moments when I would take my eye off the ball, like Christmas or birthdays or vacations and I found that I gave in to my urge to engage with pornography. I would become engaged in the everyday life events and make mistakes in my quest...
If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme Hey, everybody, and welcome to another beautiful mastery Monday here on the Self Mastery podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Listen, I got something for you guys. I'm here to help you overcome pornography. You guys know that right? I just want to let you know that there's some stuff that's gonna change. That's all. I'm not going to tell you what it is right now. But I'm going to tell you something a little bit later in this podcast. But these last few weeks have been a great deep dive into how you can really begin to move past pornography by not just focusing on pornography, but focusing on how you can become the person you want to be.
By the way, I just want to thank all of you who have written in and said how much this has helped you. That's kind of awesome, actually, that you guys are like, hey, you know what, this changed my life. So thank you for sending that in to me. If you have a second, just take a moment and write a review that helps people find us and all of this great content, more than anything else you could do. You know, share it, obviously, with as many people as you can, but writing reviews helps people find this. So please do that.
Many of you know that I am all about an evidence based approach to Overcoming Pornography. You've probably listened to my episode about how pornography is not an addiction and the book by Dr. Lance Dodes, you may know Cam Staley, who is a PhD researcher out of the University of Idaho, a really great guy, quite like him.
You are probably thinking, okay, yes, we know that you like evidence. So not only do I have the evidence from my own journey that I've shared with you, one of the components of my coaching to Overcoming Pornography is based in Acceptance and Commitment coaching, I call it ACC, which comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Now, I'm not a therapist, but I have studied the techniques and processes and systems that have helped 1000s of men and women and their pornography struggle.
And I've done it myself, like, this is not pie in the sky. This is not, hey, you know what, let me tell you a theory, and I will help you figure it out. That's not it. This is real life. This is my journey. You are like, Yeah, I need somebody who's been there.
You know, I always talk about I have an MBA, and I've been in business for a long time, before I became a coach, I, I was an insurance and I loved it. And I did some other things that add some great, cool stuff. And I always think about, who's the guy that I would come to, who's the person that I would go to, if I needed help running my business. I would not even go to a Yale or a Harvard School Business School professor, I would go to a guy who's actually lived the process.
Some of you guys know Gary Vee, cool guy, I listen to his stuff, I don't listen to a guy who works for Harvard. I don't, because I want to know what it looks like to actually be in the trenches. And that's why I use ACC. And the coaching that I do is based in both my real life experience and acceptance and commitment, coaching. And then Acceptance and Commitment coaching, there's a principle called the choice point. It is one of the key principles of ACC that I use in the membership, which has been closed now to members to new members for a little bit, a little while.
But I will tell you this, this month, I'm launching a new platform that will make it so you can download a single app and get all the great content on your phone. So I'm looking forward to it. And when it's ready, I will open up the membership to anybody who wants to join. So keep an eye out for that.
When I talk about choice point, though, I want to go back to choice point because that's really the point of what we're talking about. I want you to imagine a narrow, long...
Differentiation – enmeshment Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Self-confrontation – other confrontation Self-validation – other validation Self-disclosure - Self-presentation = Intimacy p 102-103 This month has been a real deep dive. It has included a lot of really meaningful topics and subjects that I have tried to make as understandable as possible. We started with looking at our meaning frames and how disorganizing it can be to have them shattered by our partner not living up to the understandings that we have about pornography viewing in our relationships. Next, we moved on to the process of confronting ourselves and our partner in loving and meaningful ways that can help us reorganize ourselves into more integrated people.
The following week, we discussed how we are extracting validation from our partners, how we can stop doing that, and how we can become more self-validating through some of the work we discussed in the previous weeks.
Last week we talked about disclosure and the ways in which we present ourselves to others in order to manage their beliefs and ideas around who we are.
This is the last episode of the series. Here we are going to explore enmeshment, differentiation, and the process of becoming a whole person who can also be a good partner without the need for someone to function for us.
One of the biggest struggles that I think most marriages have is the issue of how much we fold into each other.
What I’m talking about here is the amount of enmeshment and conformity that occurs when we become a couple.
What this might look like is, a need to have the same opinion on important issues. It might look like, one partner over functioning while the other partner under functions, which can be flipped in certain circumstances.
This also looks like some of the requirements we have that our partner reflect our sense of who we are back to us. Rather than holding up a mirror to who we are as we discussed in the self-confrontation/other-confrontation episode.
In the process of creating intimacy that is built out of the validation of others, we often move along nicely together, until one day everything gets stuck or snaps and we find ourselves and our relationship in a moment of crisis.
It might be a small crisis. It might be a big crisis.
In the case of a pornography struggle, this is often a pretty big crisis.
Where we have spouses saying things like darcy did to me, “if you don’t get this under control, this is the end of our relationship.”
In part, this is occurring Because the meaning-framework that we brought to the marriage is insufficient to hold onto the reality of the situation (that one partner is viewing pornography and pornography is destructive so our marriage is in jeopardy and so is my sense of self) in the face of the pain that is occurring through the rejection that the other partner is feeling.
When we have crises points like this in our lives there are basically 3 ways that we can deal with it. Here we are again leaning heavily on dr David schnarch’s book, passionate marriage.
I. The first is to either violate yourself by folding into their demands on you or violating your partner by requiring them to fold into your demands of how things must be.
In this scenario, I think a lot of women and partners of those viewing pornography feel totally justified. Part of our culture and part of our moral code demands that pornography never be part of the equation ever or it will destroy. So making this demand that your partner violate themselves to simply behave the way you need them to behave so you can be enough for them sexually regardless of what that looks like is pretty much ok with in LDS...
We live in a world that is really good at presenting itself to us in ways that are designed to get our appr oving likes, hearts, shares, and follows. In talking about the ways that we use other-validated intimacy last week, we began to understand what it is and how we might be working to get it from others. We didn’t really talk about why that might be a problem. Relationships built on other-validation create cycle of self-presentation for validation, which eventually breaks down when one or more of the people involved don’t want to play the game any more. There have been a number of scandals over the years of influencers doing work that wasn’t quite real or genuine in an effort to gain more social media currency. They are putting forward a picture of themselves that is not real in an effort to be seen as more than what they really are. They fake houses, cars, vacations, and other status symbols so that those who follow them believe in the person’s success regardless of its truth in the real world. They present a picture of themselves as something they are not when they are alone with themselves.
As a pornography user, this is exactly what I did to my wife and what she did to me.
I would present to her a reality that wasn’t a reflection of who I was when I was alone with my inner thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I was presenting myself to my partner by not telling her how I felt. I was not real with what was going on for me. I was actively trying to manage her impressions of me, how she felt about me, and her anxiety around the difficult subjects in our life.
I would do this by not sharing difficult situations at work. I would do this by not showing her that I was stressed, I would say I was tired or something else instead. I would find ways to avoid her when I had looked at pornography. I would lie about my pornography use. I would tell myself that she couldn’t handle it. I would tell myself that I was only hurting myself and that she didn’t need to know.
I was presenting a picture of who I was to Darcy in order to keep her “happy” or “Safe” or to get her to like me. When the reality was, I wasn’t the person I was saying I was.
D - Sometimes I would have sex when I really didn’t want to. I would be more sexual to try and compete with the porn that you were using. I would act like everything was fine when they weren’t.
This, in turn, created a great deal of anxiety for me. It made me constantly nervous and anxious about our future and my ability to care for Darcy. It left me lonely and alone in very real ways.
Which, incidentally, were my biggest emotions that I was trying to escape. And were some of the main reasons I would turn to pornography.
So, in self-presenting to Darcy, curating the image she had of me, especially the false parts of it, I created a lack of intimacy. I removed intimacy from our lives. I made it so she was not able to track honesty and openness in me. Which was the very thing she would tell you that she wanted.
She wanted to know me, but she was also scared of who I actually was in meaningful ways.
What was that like for you?
D – I wanted to know you as far as it made me feel ok. but when it came to you, when it made me not feel ok, I didn’t like it. So, in a very real sense I was helping create an environment that encouraged Zach to self-present. Which is not the same as making him do it. He was still very much responsible for his own actions. It’s important to understand that this is not an excuse for us to...
The concept of validation is not a complicated one, but it is a huge part of how we show up in our lives and how we can understand how to better feel the love that we want for ourselves. The way we seek validation will also help us understand how pornography has been playing a part in our self soothing process. I am going to lean on Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” for the definitions of these two concepts and then we are going to talk about what they mean in the context of pornography and marriage. Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from our partner. Self validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining their own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from their partner. our capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to our level of our ability to maintain a clear sense of ourselves when our loved ones are pressuring us to conform to their views, wants, or expressed desires. It is the tangible product of our relationship with ourself.
So, let’s talk about other-validated intimacy and how that might be keeping you from being successful in eliminating a pornography habit.
When we expect our partner to give back to us as much or more than we are giving them, we are engaging in what Dr. David Glover calls in his book, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” a covert contract.
This is our way of trying to get our partner to tell us that we are enough for them.
I used to do this all the time with foot rubs and back rubs for Darcy. When I wanted her to reciprocate with sex or love I would do things for her to make it so she was supposed to give back to me.
I also did this with things like house work. I would do everything so I could take off her plate any excuses she might have for saying no to me later.
I did this so she would validate me with sex.
This covert contract was about expecting something from her that she was not offering freely because she wanted to give it.
D – and when he would do this I would …. Tell your feelings about this here.
D – Give an example of how you would seek validation from me. – we never talk – this was a regular refrain, even when we had spent all day together the previous day. I was seeking for Zach to tell me I was enough, accepted.
What we are doing when we seek other-validated intimacy is asking our partner to manage our sense of whether or not we are OK.
One of the reasons, that I believe men and women turn to pornography is that there is nothing we can’t ask for that won’t be given in that space. It is almost a total free for all. It is self-gratifying and other-validating, even when those others are not present physically, mentally, or even willingly.
This is just an idea that occurs to me, but it makes sense, at least from one position. Pornography validates us regardless of how we feel and regardless of whether we are acting with integrity. When we deal with real people, in real time, over real issues, we are constantly at risk of being rejected.
This is one of the central things that I believe makes pornography so appealing on a different level than just aroused by it. Pornography never rejects us. It never says that what we want is not available. It never says, “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “I’m tired, can we just snuggle” or “I’m upset with the way you treated me”
This is a counterfeit other-validation that is available at the tips of our fingers at all hours of the day and night.
Whereas, to be self-validated and to have self-validated intimacy,...
Part two of our 5 part series on Love and what it looks like to really be lovable, loving, and to love one’s self. David schnarch talks about self confrontation and other confrontation Engage with our behavoirs in a meaningful way from an objective place.
One of the keys to love is the capacity to confront who we are. Now, this isn’t to say that you aren’t inherently loved or lovable. But, there is an element of growth that seems to be required for each of us to love ourselves. I think one of the keys to loving yourself is having a sense that you are growing and leaning in into the discomfort of becoming more than what you are now. It also requires that we hear the truthful parts of what others are able to observe and point out to us.
This is a skill that requires a capacity to not just endure the discomfort of the process of confronting who you are, but even to lean into that discomfort.
So, let’s just take a moment to define what it means to self confront and be confronted by others in ways that are growth and love promoting.
The process of confronting your behavior is simple but can be difficult to face if you are unwilling to be objective about what is going on and your worth in relation to what is going on.
In order to self confront, you’ll need to see your behavior clearly and objectively. Meaning that you fully understand or are seeking to fully understand what you are doing. This is as simple as acknowledging what the behavior is by describing it dispassionately, and without layering in judgments that you might be using to beat yourself up with.
Darcy and I were talking to a couple who we’ve been coaching and one of their experiences recently was a conversation in which the husband let his spouse know that he had viewed pornography. As they discussed the situation, the husband became more and more distraught, in a sense, to convey how much he was not pleased with his own behavior. He worked to manage his wife’s experience of his actions by being more upset about the situation than she was.
This is an example of not being clear and objective about your behavior. That’s not to say there is no room for passionate discourse or even deeply felt emotions. It is to say, managing our partner is not part of clearly acknowledging where you are. It is hard to be objective about what is going on when you are working to manage others’ feelings.
So how do we engage with an internal process of evaluating our behaviors? We go into this in the membership, which you can join anytime by going to zachspafford.com and there are workbooks that you can use in there to really get in deep on this .
But first you’ll want to start by recognizing that the high emotions are sometimes ways of .
Often, we want to hold our ground and defend where we are because it feels safer than confronting our actions openly.
Second, you’ll need to be objective about what that behavior’s outcomes are, how they are impacting you, and how they might be impacting those around you. You can do this by being willing to look downstream from where you are and acknowledging the results in the eyes of others and even acknowledging the effects you’ve been working to ignore or hide from.
Many of us do this well in other parts of our lives. For instance, at work you might be really good at looking downstream and seeing what the effects are. But when it comes to your relationship with your partner or yourself, it is not uncommon to be unwilling to see what we’re doing based on the way it will end up later.
I know, for me, darcy and I were having a discussion in the shower just a couple of nights ago and she was pointing something out to me, something that I didn’t want to see. At that...
The path to greater freedom. Four part series. For the month of february we are going to talk about Love - but not in the way that you think… This month, love is going to be about our capacity for great freedom if we are willing to love and be loved through the process of understanding some concepts that you may not be familiar with. We are going to talk about How to use these concepts to improve your ability to love and feel loved by others will be a central focus of our conversations around these concepts. Our goal is to help you choose yourself and be able to choose your partner. A lot of you listen to this podcast in order to move past a pornography struggle. Each of these concepts is fundamental to the integrative process of becoming the person you want to be who doesn’t turn to pornography.
Darcy - For those of you who have a partner who struggles with pornography each of these concepts is just as fundamental for you to work through in order to create the dynamic that you want to create. They will help you engage with your partner around their pornography struggle and show up as the person you want to be in all of your life, not just your family’s pornography struggle.
Zach - These are the topics we are going to cover over the next 5 weeks.
Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Meaning frames are the way we look at the world in order to make it make sense to us.
In each relationship we have, we create meaning frames that help us determine the way we are to act when we are alone, engage with others in our lives, and assure our place within a group.
Many of our meaning frames are built into our theology and are perpetuated by our family of origin. For instance, in my household, when I was growing up and as I have become and grown in adulthood, my meaning frames have referenced the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This meaning frame has given me a way to interpret the realities of life in ways that serve me and my family and help me make sense of the life I lead.
We all have meaning frames that we bring into our relationships that help us manage our life through lenses that provide meaning and value.
In most LDS homes, pornography viewing is seen through a meaning frame of it being always destructive, personally, professionally, and theologically. This makes pornography an always off limits type of behavior. Those who engage with it, then find themselves deeply ashamed of their actions.
Darcy - The family, especially the wives of those who engage with pornography, find themselves just as deeply ashamed of the pornography use for different reasons. Including the idea that “I am not enough” if he uses that behavior to entertain himself, self soothe, or escape his emotions.
Zach - Either way, the meaning frames we bring to our relationships are the lens we use to help us see the behaviors and realities of our lives.
Each meaning frame that we have does at least one thing for us. It gives us a way to see the world on a given topic.
What this looks like can often be a black and white way of viewing a behavior that can isolate us or others because we are not conforming properly to that meaning frame.
When we encounter someone who is not properly conformed to the meaning frame we have and that we assumed they shared is a disorganization of thought and meaning.
Darcy, what went on for you when you found out that I was viewing pornography?
Darcy - Talk about how you thought I was one thing only to find out that I was someone else. And how that threw your whole sense of self and sense of me into disarray.
What does that mean about my family? What about our salvation? What else might he be...
If you are looking for help in eliminating pornography from your marriage, this podcast is for you. Zach and Darcy Spafford helped Eric and Jackie overcome pornography in their marriage. Visit zachspafford.com to set up your 30 minuter consult with Zach or Darcy.
For a lot of my life I had a very real sense that I was not very important in my family. As the 4th child in a family of five, early on I observed my needs as being secondary to those of my older siblings or my parents or my little sister. This is just the way things work in large families and small families. The truth is that every child, as they grow up, experiences things that create narratives that they internalize as their reality of who they are. For me, one of the things that I felt and struggled with was this sense that I was not enough to merit someone paying attention to me and spending the time with me that I wanted them to spend.
It really didn’t matter what I was doing or how successful I was in sports, drama, or school my parents were busy and, in my mind at least, didn’t show up as often as I thought they should.
This perception, whether it was true or not, helped my forming mind create a sense that I was not enough.
This affected the relationship that I have with Darcy and how pornography helped soothe me through parts of our life.
On the 94 freeway headed north as we left the Chicago temple when Darcy and I were first married Darcy made a comment about my driving. I reacted in a way that was not kind, was not safe, and not how I would want to show up in the rest of my life.
I got upset, angry with her characterization of my driving. I felt like I was being attacked for doing my best and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough.
Fast forward maybe 15 years, heading south from a trip up to Salt Lake, Darcy made another comment about my driving. Again, upset, frustrated, and defensive I proceeded to let Darcy know that I didn’t think her characterization of my driving was fair. After all, I was doing my best and clearly, she didn’t appreciate everything I do to make her life happy, safe, and stable.
I was, once again, not enough.
You might have similar stories, your stories might differ in details, but feel the same.
One of the reasons that I turned to to pornography was it’s extraordinary ability to bring me to a place where I was always enough.
In the world of pornography, you can be with any woman, regardless of your talent, abilities, or money.
In the world of pornography, the women you are with are willing to do anything with, for, and because of you. They want you, the same way you want them.
You don’t have to prove you’re a good match, capable of caring for them and your children. You don’t even have to know anything about them, and they want you.
Being wanted, unconditionally the way pornography makes you feel is possible is a powerful sensation.
In the world of pornography, you are always enough, for as long as you can make the fantasy last.
After that second driving incident, Darcy and I met with our friend Dr. Larry Bradley. In that session, he mentioned two things that have made a significant difference in our lives.
He helped me see that I was carrying around this idea that I wasn’t enough and that I can never do enough to please the people in my life.
He also helped Darcy that the narrative that she learned for herself was that “I’m not lovable.” So, just to re-clarify. This isn’t a story about how bad our parents were or how they didn’t do enough for us and how we are damaged beyond repair and it’s all their fault.
What Darcy and I experienced is a normal process that young minds go through to understand and manage their expectations in the world they are presented with.
What we had to do, and continue to do in our marriage and lives, is become aware of how our brains were offering us a narrative that we weren’t good enough and that was hindering our long-term...
If you are looking to end a pornography struggle and don't know where to turn, then this podcast is for you. In this episode you'll learn 3 keys that you can use to leave pornography behind. zachspafford.com Episode 123 – 100k downloads
Scholarships as a thank you to JFF as we mentioned last episode – follow us on Instagram so you see the link for the application
This month in the membership we are talking about Porn is not The problem.
This Christmas had a note from eric and Jackie – we did a client interview with them episode 62 in nov 2020, they are doing so well. If you want to go back to that one and listen, you’ll get an idea of the amzing changes that can come to your life working with darcy and I
They are such an amazing couple. They just messaged us in dec and that were doing super well.
One of the things that we got over Christmas was one of those Chinese finger traps.
You know, the ones that you can put your fingers into and then once your fingers are in there, if you pull they get trapped.
And for a really good one of those, the harder you pull the tighter it grips you.
This year as all of us are setting goals and laying out resolutions we really need to take time to recognize that a lot of these goals can be like that Chinese finger trap.
The more we resist and fight with what we don’t want in our lives, the more that thing grips and holds on to us.
The only way to get out of them is to lean into back into the trap and release its hold. It is a lot like a snare used for catching rabbits.
So, what does that look like when it comes to pornography and other unwanted habits.
Much like the finger trap, the more you resist your unwanted habit, the more it seems to be a struggle to get away from it.
Simply put, if you are going to get away from this trap you are going to need to see what it is that you need to lean into, to start allowing that habitual trap to loosen up and let you walk free.
1 To do this you’ll need first to recognize that you have a response ability. You have the ability to respond to the underlying reason that you have been turning to this habit.
Learn what those reasons are. Ask yourself, why am I using this habit to avoid my life?
Most of the people I work with find that the reason they are using an unwanted habit to avoid their life or buffer is that they feel uncomfortable.
This comes in a variety of ways, including the regular, if unpleasant emotions of loneliness, being tired, stressed, frustrated, entitled, and any other negative emotion you can name.
Once you learn what the underlying reason is for your habit, you can now begin to exercise your response ability.
Respond to that emotion differently. In my membership we work on a variety of techniques to do this, including simple meditations, but no matter what you do, experimenting to respond to that emotion differently really needs to include leaning into it and allowing it to exist without resistance.
2 Then next thing you need to do is not freak out if it doesn’t work perfectly the first time.
Like an animal caught in a snare, the freak out is the think that keeps you trapped.
When mistakes are made, create an honest, open dialogue with your partner that can help you see the situation for what it is. And learn from what happened.
When we catastrophize and act as though we will never be free from this behavior, we really do get snared and trapped.
3 finally, this last thing that you can do, rather than set goals that might be Chinese finger traps, let’s re-view our values, reassess how they fit into our lives, and reprioritize them as we see fit.
In...
The Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography. This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally. If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the hosts make this the number one podcast for Latter-day Saints looking to overcome pornography. If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme
In this episode we discuss the accountability app question of one of my clients and help him come to a place where he is living his best life without pornography. If you have struggled with pornography and are ready to quit, this is the podcast for you. Porn affects so many men and women and now you have a way to quit for good and forever. Come listen to Zach and, when you are ready, sign up for his once a year Group Coaching by clicking https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/group-apply (HERE.) Overcome porn for good in your life and become the man or woman you want to be in 2022! Check us out at zachspafford.com
zachspafford.com/thestuff If you would like to start your year off amazingly, come be part of our only group coaching of 2022.
Talking about being at rock bottom? This podcast gives you a really simple place to start climbing out if you are looking to overcome pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com
This Bonus Episode is just for your teens who are struggling to quit pornography. Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in teens becoming awesome. Check out the amazing work course Joey and I put together at TeensQuitPorn.com You can also check out Joey's work at firmlyfounded.com
This week during one of my coaching sessions my client said to me, “how do I keep up my motivation so I don’t keep going back to pornography and how do I choose an important enough why that will keep me motivated?” This question is one that I think a lot of people struggle with, so I wanted to take some time and talk about the differences between the ways that we approach problems and how we might be approaching our struggles with pornography in ways that aren’t helping us ultimately succeed.
I’m going to touch on 4 different concepts, how they might help and how they might keep you from succeeding if you utilize them too heavily without other key elements.
Let’s talk about Motivation, Our Why, Habits, and Who we are.
I’ll start with Motivation. Which I like to think of as synonymous with willpower.
This is a pretty common way of thinking about a problem. First, we encounter a problem and then we find some motivation that helps us overcome that problem until it is finally gone.
When it comes to short-term and long-term, external problems, this is often a really good course of action. Take school or work for example. External problems can be broken into a variety of short-term, solvable, puzzles that once they are overcome fade into the distance. This is why motivation works. We don’t have to sustain a long-term, near-permanent grasp on the problem. We simply need to go through the maze of struggle until we get to the exit and then we can move on to the next problem.
This is like setting a goal and when that goal is accomplished we no longer focus on the goal. I once did a weight loss challenge at work with my co-workers. I kept telling myself that these were permanent changes that I was making and that I would never look back. Immediately after winning that challenge I stopped eating healthy and went back to being the same person i was before. I was no longer focused on a goal, my willpower had run out, and my motivation (the money) had long been spent.
So, it is much easier to have motivation on a short-term project, issue, or goal because we can use willpower and motivation to see it through to the end.
Where we get lost is in thinking that willpower and motivation are enough to overcome an internally motivated feedback loop.
In their book, change anything, the authors describe willpower as a trap. In their studies of children who were offered tempting items to purhcase after they had just been given cash for going through a series of steps that were presented as the experiment. In reality the experiment was what would the kids do with their money. they demonstrate that willpower is not the main determining factor in whether the kids buy.
Motivation and willpower are easily manipulated it turns out. Where the kids who succeeded in keeping their earnings was more based on A set of skills learned along the way that the kids could draw on when the temptations arose. Skill, not willpower or motivation determined whether they bought overpriced trinkets for the thrill of the purchase, or simply said, “i’ll save my money for later.”
Many of you have said, after a particularly difficult patch, “this is the last time. I’ll never go back to that.”
You found yourself motivated and full of willpower. A year later or less, without having changed your skill level your willpower has run out and the brightness of your motivation has faded until you give in again.
Let’s take a look at the Why? Simon Senik talks about this a lot with corporations and I do think there are applications in personal life as well. In his most famous example, Simon talks about the reason we all buy apple products when there are more affordable and often, more functional products out there. ...
When I meet with a client for the first time during one of my free consults, I often hear this question asked in a variety of ways. “Is this going to help me eliminate my pornography struggle?“
What they are usually looking for is a confirmation that the work I do with people is going to be the very last thing they need to solve their pornography struggle.
My standard answer is, “I don’t know if this is the last thing you need to know or just the next thing that you need to know. But everyone who struggles needs to know what I teach.”
So, let me tell you guys what I do that helps people solve their pornography struggle in a way that sets them up for success.
I want to start by saying that if you keep working at it, you aren’t failing, you are succeeding.
The process I teach is a simple one that uses the techniques I’ve learned from the life coach school and the CTFAR model that was developed by Booke Castillo and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching developed by Steven C. Hayes
Within those two systems, I help people learn how to solve for pornography with a variety of skills that I teach in three different settings. The three coaching settings that I have right now starts with individual coaching, where you and I work together for about 6 months and we focus on your individual needs. I teach and coach you alone during 12, 30-minute sessions. This gives us a thread of work to follow and a lot of people see their best work happen during these sessions.
The second way that I get people moving in the right direction, is with my coaching membership. The coaching membership includes 4 open coaching calls each month, 2 for men and 2 for women. This usually breaks down along the lines of people struggling with Pornography and their wives, but that is not always the case. There are a number of women who participate in the women’s calls that also struggle with pornography. In this setting, I coach along with Darcy on the women’s calls and we help those who volunteer to be coached to get a different perspective on where they are and how they can move forward.
The third way I help people is, once a year, I set up a group coaching program. If you’re a part of my mailing list, you will have gotten a coupon code to join that for 55% off this year. In the group coaching program, we get together weekly and coach just those in the group. Many of whom go on to be highly successful in their path away from their pornography struggle.
If you want to learn more about how each of those work, feel free to set up a consult with me by going to zachspafford.com/workwithme.
Or you can just email me at info@zachspafford.com
So the next thing that you’ll want to know is, what do I teach.
A lot of the things I teach are things I teach on this podcast.
There are also some that I don’t teach on the podcast.
That said, one of the main things that I teach is to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that are going on for you. I teach you how to become more aware and how to use that awareness to improve your ability to make the decisions that you want.
I also teach you some really important things that your brain is doing, like, the motivational triad, confirmation bias, and feeling good in ambiguity among other things.
These simple things that your brain does automatically, are part of the reason that pornography has such a powerful draw. Understanding how they work and what they do in your life that is helpful and not helpful is an ally in the process of retraining your responses to improve your outcomes when it comes to pornography.
Being aware and understanding how your brain works give you a base to start from.
Add that to skills designed specifically to deal with urges,...
This week Darcy and I discuss the talk given by Brad Wilcox in General Conference. It struck us as exactly the right tone to take with our own processes of eliminating pornography from our lives. If you have struggled with pornography and are working to quit, then this is the podcast for you. Check us out at zachspafford.com.
The cue, response, reward system of habit creation can also be used to intervene when our habits don't align with who we want to be. Here is a simple process that you can use every time to intervene when your brain offers you the chance to view pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com
In this interview, Andrea (Andi) talks about being a single woman who, for the last three years, has struggled with and begun to eliminate pornography. If you are someone who needs help with pornography, please set up a free consultation at zachspafford.com/workwithme.
Here are six essential, simple steps that you can use every time to eliminate unwanted urges to view pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com
This podcast is for Latter-day Saints (LDS) who want to overcome pornography and create the life they want. It's hosts teach you how to retrain your brain to completely quit pornography. If you are excited to move past your unwanted porn habit, this is the show for you. For more information on how to overcome porn please visit, zachspafford.com. To schedule a consult, go to zachspaffor.com/workwithme
How do I keep the urges to view pornography from coming back. Don’t judge who you are in that conversation - allow for neutrality in thoughts Someone can be beautiful or sexy without making it mean anything about you.
Focus on what actions you want to take next Allowing the thought to be there Drop the judgment of what your brain offers you. Stop believing a thought is morally corrupt if you aren’t choosing it.
My wife used sex as a way to try and control me and I wanted her to My wife is a wonderful woman, whom I love and adore.
She also used to try and control me with sex.
It wasn’t always overt, and it wasn’t usually something that was designed to make me do something that I didn’t want to do.
In fact, it was the opposite.
She was trying to get me to not do something.
She was trying to keep me from looking at porn and I didn’t really want to look at porn. I wanted to stop.
It was always, in her mind, something she would do to “meet my needs”.
And I thought she was, by her actions, “meeting my needs.”
In her mind, my pornography problem was about controlling how often I needed to give in to my urges. If she could interrupt my urge by engaging with me sexually, then she was helping me. She thought she was helping control my choice to use pornography.
She would ask questions like, “How are you doing today?” in an effort to gauge where I was and if she “needed” to intervene by providing me with an outlet for the day.
What she was doing, in reality, was frustrating herself and rewarding my pleasure center for disconnected, isolating behavior.
Two main things were frustrating her.
First, was the fact that she could not, despite her best efforts, control my urges or when or how I acted on them.
Whenever we try to control others, we will always find ourselves frustrated. They will rebel, they will deceive, they will find a way around you. People are like water; they will go wherever their personal gravity takes them.
It is inevitable.
Second, and I think more importantly, when what each of us really wanted was intimacy in the deepest and most connected sense of the word she was creating resentment and I was creating disappointment.
Control is antithetical to intimacy because inherent in intimacy is trust and control requires none.
She resented needing to look over my shoulder to make sure I was making good decisions.
I was disappointed that the intimacy that I wanted wasn’t available in a resentful spouse
Don’t get me wrong, when you and your spouse decide that pornography use is not ok in your household then both of you should take steps to create an environment where viewing pornography is difficult. I am also not condoning pornography use.
I am also saying, whether you are a man or a woman, making a decision to intercede in the urges of your spouse in an effort to control their actions is not going to work out in the long run.
Let’s flip this on its head for a moment.
Imagine a wife who is struggling with eating sugary treats. Each morning her husband asks her how she is feeling about that cheesecake with fresh strawberries in the fridge.
During that discussion the husband hears the wife is having a hard time not sneaking a piece. She knows that it is for dessert after dinner this evening, but that she really wants to have just a little.
So, he says, I know what, I’ll help you out. I’ll meet your needs. I have a carrot for you. It should tide you over because carrots have a lot of sugar.
His attempt to “help her out” places him in a position that makes no sense to anyone.
He’s giving her a “sweet treat”, but it isn’t what she wants. Not really.
She may even take and eat it. But she may feel resentful that he is trying to control what she eats.
Do you see the parallels?
What we all have to understand is that controlling others behavior isn’t really going to bring us or them to the place we want to be.
It may only to create a short-term fix and will probably create a long-term negative effect. ...
Last week we discussed how goals can be problematic when we are working to achieve lifelong behaviors rather than short term events. As promised, this week we will be talking about how to decide what your values are. In addition to that we’ll talk about how to more fully live them. When you think of your values, this is often where your deepest emotions lie. And as a result this may be an emotional process for you to go through. As you think about what your values might be, I find it helpful to use I statements that convey a sense of who you are. For example, from the last podcast, “I choose sexual experiences that create intimacy.” Here we have a current position on who we are, who we want to be and how we want to act in the moment.
When you think about your pornography struggle or any struggle you have. If your goal is to eliminate a pornography habit, ask yourself, what would achieving this goal show that you stand for or support ( or stand against or oppose)?
As you look at the core values that emerge from that question, you can form them into I statements that can fully express and inhabit your core value.
So, for instance, if I were answering the question, what would eliminating pornography from my life achieve and show that I stand for or support? I might say, I stand for living chastely, being open and creating intimacy in my life.
My I statements would then look something like, “ I live chastely”, “I am open with my spouse about my sexuality, including when or if I view pornography” and our phrase from earlier, “I choose sexual experiences that create intimacy”.
As you go through the process of doing this you may want to come up with two or three core values statements that are easy to remember and that help you convey to yourself a new sense of who ¥ou are.
Then, in the process of living those values, it is important to keep in mind what we learned about values last week. If you havent’ listened to that, go back and get familiar with what values are.
You;ll want to hold these new values loosely. Meaning, rather than holding so tightly to them that when you fail to live up to them, you beat yourself up and feel like these values are impossible to live by, you hold them like you would a handful of sand.
If you’ve ever grabbed a handful of sand and squeezed it tightly you’d have noted that most of the sand escapes your grip and you are left with very little of it when you open your hand .
Rather, when it comes to values, using the sand as an analogy, if we pile the sand on an open palm, we end up being able to hold more than we ever could by squeezing it.
This analogy also allows us to prioritize which sand, and how much of each type of sand we will hold at given times in our lives.
When we prioritize our values properly, we find that we are no longer trying to hold on to ever decreasing amounts of capacity in our hands, but allowing, at times, some values to take a back seat to our current needs while still maintaining a small focus on values that are still important but not urgent.
So as you hold your values lightly, prioritizing them as you do, you’ll find that you’ll need to practice your values for yourself and in your interactions with others.
You’ll also recognize that as you focus in on a priority value, that your other values are still relevant to your life and who you want to be.
One key to living your values more fully is being aware of what they actually are, which is what we’ve just done.
The next key to living your values more fully is practicing them whenever you can.
Think of scenarios where you have not lived up to your values in the past and role play what you would do if you had lived up to your values.
You could...
Shifting goals to values: As a person who struggled with pornography I had one goal. Stop looking at pornography. There is a problem with this. It isn’t that this isn’t a worthy goal. It is. The problem with this goal is that goals are about finite moments in time. Goals are about achieving a target at a point, usually, in the future that once passed, will no longer be as relevant to your daily life as it was before you achieved it. That means, that once this goal is achieved, it stops being relevant, and then becomes something that you are no longer shooting for.
Let me give you an example.
Some of you may have done iron man competitions. WE JUST had the world championship Iron man, here in st g over the weekend.
If you have a goal of racing in the iron man, you’ll do certain things on a set schedule to achieve that goal.
The day of the race comes and goes and the next day you are back to your routine you had before you were training to become an iron man or iron woman. That is what a goals based result looks like.
But what about those people, who for years, keep doing it. They seem to love it. They seem to be doing it as part of who they are, not to simply say they’ve done it.
Often, when I see men or women who come to me after a year or more of not looking at pornography, they have been training hard and achieving a goal.
They have turned things off on their phones. They’ve been careful to not be left alone. They’ve changed certain aspects of their lives as a process of exercising the willpower to achieve a goal.
But the moment it is achieved, it is no longer a goal. And all that work that we’ve done to get to a certain point, may stop happening.
This is what a diet looks like as well.
You stop eating certain foods. Foods that you will go back to once you’ve gotten to x weight.
Then when you achieve x weight, the goal is no longer a goal and you go back to the way you ate before and maybe even worse than before. That is why most people who go on a diet, end up gaining it all back and then some.
The problem is, this goal based system of seeking achievement is not attuned to the long term results you are looking to create.
What you need, what we all need values .
Learning to create a values based decision making process will clean up all the struggle that we have with ourselves and what we aren’t achieving.
First, this week we’re going to teach you about how values work.
Next week we are going to teach you about how to decide what your values are and how to live them more fully.
1. values are here and now. Goals are in the future. a. So, just like in the case of losing a certain number of pounds or running the iron man, once you’ve achieved your goal to stop looking at pornography, it is no longer a goal. b. Some of you might be clever and thinking, well, then what if I say, My goal is to never look at pornography ever again. c. Well, ask yourself, have you ever set a goal that you’ve failed to progress at to the point where you’ve convinced yourself it’s unachievable? d. So, how do we do this different? e. we create a value around this f. I like to use “I” statements for this because they easily capture who we are g. And by virtue of the nature of “I” statements, they are in the now. h. “I live chastely” “I keep my commitments to myself sexually” “I choose sexual experiences that create...
Most of us, when we find ourselves in a position that we might find impossible, like winning a race that is seemingly unwinnable we beat ourselves up. That is how many men and women act when confronted with their pornography viewing habit. We see ourselves in last place and never able to get to that top ten so we can finally win at something.
What if I don’t want to stop. I had a consultation with someone this last week that was somewhat out of the norm for me. Most of the people I speak with are in a place where they have struggled with pornography for a significant period of time and want to end their involvement with it. That was not the case with the client I’m going to tell you about.
He was earnest and open with his wife and church leaders.
He seemed honestly desirous that he could be in full fellowship with the saints and still view pornography because of what it had done for him.
Before anyone listening gets out the pitch forks, I would like to take a step back and just touch on this perspective.
For this client, who had some recent issues that made zoning out important to him, pornography had become an escape to which he could go for relief from a painful struggle.
According to him, his wife seemed to be accepting of it.
So let’s talk about, what if I don’t know if I want to stop
I have only had a couple of people that have come to me with this type of scenario.
In fact, two people.
The first, really wanted me to say that pornography viewing was ok.
The one I chatted with this week, I’m not sure what he wanted me to tell him.
But to both of them I would say the same thing.
What is the best way to bring up pornography with teens? What is the best way to find out if they are being exposed to it?
How can we help family members who watch porn or struggle with addiction?
After many years of a pornography addiction, can an individual overcome this problem on their own without the 3 prong program the church suggests?
How do we protect our children and grandchildren from pornography?
How do you think it is best to block some of that content on the internet we don’t want to have show up on our screens?
Do you have a recommendation for what to tell kids to do when they come across something that’s inappropriate? (eg turn it off, tell a grown up, sing a hymn, say a prayer)
How do I encourage someone whose life is impacted by pornography?
What are the steps to help someone who has stopped using pornography but they still struggle with masturbation?
What can my kids say to others who might show up with inappropriate images or materials? How can I help my kids confidently shun it and encourage better behavior and activities? Wanting to remember to hate the sinner and love the sinner “we can do much better”
Alone and Ok - For the first time in a long time, I’m alone at home. - Some kids are with darcy at a playgroup, others are out running errands, one, I’ve just dropped off at work - There was a time when this would be a moment of struggle. - When I would fight, with all my might to stay clean through this time. - Being alone, with no one to catch me, was always a moment where my mind would offer me thoughts like, “nows your chance” “no one will know” - As a business traveler, I found myself in hotel rooms alone often. - It was a consistent pattern that I would end up, at some point, spending a few minutes at least and sometimes an hour or so, viewing pornography. - Having 8 kids, there have been very few rare moments where I was strictly alone at home - So, on the road is where I would do it most often. - Part of it was loneliness - Part of it was boredom. - Part of it was the idea that I could get away with something and the only person who would know was me. - That last one is the one that really, in the end, made it so I stopped looking at pornography - Last night I had a conversation with a client who was telling me about his ‘accountability’ partners. - As he described them, various people, including his wife, he asked me, what my thoughts are on the software for accountability and accountability parnters in general - He also asked if there were a permanent filter that I know of that is free - I told him, the only filter or accountability person that really ends up working, is your own brain. - That is the only way I know how to truly end a bad habit. - Is retraining our brains to no longer desire pornography, no longer follow the urges, and no longer ignoring our moral compass. - That process is what I coach people on, how I help them to get to where they want to be. - That is how I got to the place I am now. - Alone, in my house. With no one to catch me. - Yet not even fighting with my urges in the slightest. - Because, I could look at pornography if I wanted to. - I’m allowed, by virtue of my agency to do so. - But I choose not to, because the person I want to be, doesn’t - Not because there is a filter I couldn’t surpass - There is no free, permanent filter available. - You get what you pay for - That’s why I do the work I do. - I wish I had a coach that would have helped me through this process. - Because so many of us, feel like we can’t be alone. - We don’t trust...
Food porn - Porn and food are similar in the way we interact with them. - Food is required for sustained life - Our sexual desires are inborn and not likely to just disappear when we stop looking at pornography. - Recently I have been working to eliminate an extra 20 poounds that I’ve earned over the last 20 years. - I’m finding a lot of parallels to my struggle with pornography 1. Urges and cravings come from nowhere 2. The same techniques that I used to stop looking at pornography are helping me stop eating every time my brain says to a. Fast food b. Eating out c. Sugary treats d. Stopping, dropping into my body, and breathing e. Noticing what my brain is offering and asking if it is going to help me achieve my goals. f. 3. There are also some differences. a. I don’t feel the same kind of guilt when I grab a snack though I do feel guilt b. I don’t feel like I have to talk to my bishop 4. There are some similarities a. I tell my wife when I stop and get some food b. I don’t feel like I’m living up to who I say I am when I eat in ways that are contrary to how I’ve committed to eating. c. Understanding that this isn’t a diet but a way of life. d. Sometimes my wife gets upset that I am eating something we’ve agreed I wouldn’t
Welcome to another bonus addition of wives Wednesday! I am so excited to be here and talk to guy guys today. Today I wanted to talk about how to create more compassion empathy and love for both you and your spouse.
When a love one struggles with pornography it often creates very big emotions for both partners. . IF you follow us on Instagram you might have seen the post I wrote that said
The more time we can spend creating compassion, empathy, and love for both ourselves and our partner the further along we get.
I wanted to go into a bit more detail here on the podcast. Sometimes I find it hard to write things because it is hard to convey tone and intent through writing.
The way to create more compassion for each other is realizing we are all just trying to feel better and that we each have behaviors we use to achieve that goal.
What are some of the behaviors you find yourself doing when you are avoiding doing housework, meal planning, being present with your kids, stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, or defeated?
I can tell you some of the things I do in case you need some ideas…
Scroll Instagram, check our podcast numbers and reviews, go out for ice cream, over eat or just eat food that doesn’t make me feel good. Sometimes I yell at my kids or try to place blame outside of me why and am not feeling happy.
The way we create more empathy is seeking to understand our spouse and trying to imagine what it would be like if we were in their shoes. . The way we create more love is by dropping the judgement we have of our partner and ourself. . When I began to truly empathize with Zach and his struggle with pornography and drop the idea that the way he “sinned” was worse than mine, the easier it was to create a relationship where there was room for us both to grow. . If you are trying to get to this place and feel stuck message me and let’s chat! . I love helping women move forward in their relationship themself and their partner.
Overcoming pornography takes an understanding of what your brain is doing. The model is a great way to get a handle on it and start making changes.
- Let’s talk about how we can move from fear, worried about how this is going to destroy marriages, - To love, letting this become a challenge that we face together, growing with, and strengthening each other - We are going to discuss ways to understand and recognize the fear based messages that we offer
- As we discuss these we’ll talk about how we might discuss address these when others say them and how we can open conversations differently
- And change those conversations to love, hope, and success
- Let’s start with somethings that we often hear and see
- “This will destroy your life?”/marriage
- You can never forget those images
You will always be addicted/this will be a problem
When Marriage is hard. Seasons of marriage
Imagine on the day you got married you knew that there would be a trial so difficult that it had the potential to tear apart your entire life.
Your every belief structure would be questioned. everything you had worked for would be reduced to the decision of whether to stay or go. all of your hard work, love, and hope would be tested so thoroughly that either this would be the end of your marriage or your marriage will be strengthened immeasurably.
Imagine, as you stand there, vowing to make your life and your eternity with the person you now adore, that this will happen not just once, but multiple times during your life together.
Would you get married? Would you choose a different partner? how would you approach marriage differently?
I just listened to your most recent podcast about the vulnerability partner vs the accountability partner and I’m left with one question. When you are the vulnerability partner and the pornography user is expressing feelings of having a bad day or not feeling well about themself, what does the vulnerability partner respond with? Aside from listening what should they do or say to help?
The three steps that take us down the rabbit hole. As I have worked with hundreds of men and women over the past few years, I have noticed a pattern of behavior emerge that is the critical turning point from being fully the master of your behavior to viewing pornography and following the habitual following of feel good now based rituals.
This doesn’t happen with every one every time, but it happens with such frequency that it makes sense to get a feel for it, if you are someone that is working to eliminate a bad habit in your life.
It all starts with a near truth.
A near truth is something that, on the surface is easily seen as true and something that most people would agree with you on.
These kinds of thoughts sound like this: These are all actual beliefs that individual clients have said to me in the scope of our coaching.
“I don’t want to be miserable all day”
“being in control of myself is so hard”
And
“When I find something I enjoy, I stick to it”
These are the kinds of thoughts that we think should be true.
I’ve never met someone who wanted to be miserable at all, much less all day. We have all been in a position to where we think self control is hard. And who doesn’t want to stick with enjoyable things.
They are near truths because they are the kinds of phrases that are hard to argue against. They seem right, others are likely to agree with you when you say them, and they are easy to believe because of these things.
The problem here is that though they are near truths, they aren’t true in the long term. They are actually lies in the long term. Not because you actually do want to be miserable all day or because being in control of yourself is really easy or because when you find things you enjoy you don’t stick to it.
Let’s start with the first one, “I don’t want to be miserable all day”
There are at least two untruths in this statement.
The first issue is that most of us, when we deal with our feelings directly, are not going to feel miserable “all day”.
Modern research shows that most emotions, when felt out to their full extent, last about 90 seconds. That isn’t to say that your feelings might not last longer or shorter. Just that is the average. Usually, the reason our feelings last longer is that we keep retelling stories that refresh and restart the cycle of the feeling.
When we fall in love, we tell stories of how our new love loves us. When we are miserable, we tell and retell stories about how someone has wronged us, how we are in the right, and they are not.
This particular client was dealing with work struggles. He was telling himself how others around him were talking about him.
The only way he was going to be miserable all day was if he kept telling himself repeatedly about what he thought others thought about him. All day is a long time to dwell on anything, especially, when we are aware that our thoughts, beliefs, and stories are the things making us miserable and we get to choose whether they are true or not and how long to dwell on them.
The second issue with this statement is that we assume that we don’t want to feel miserable and that the proffered solution is going to make us feel better.
Funny thing about emotions is that they exist to be felt and we often do everything in our power to avoid feeling them.
In this scenario this client believed that he didn’t want to feel miserable all day, and the solution his brain offered him was 30 minutes of arousal to remove the miserable feeling.
a thing that our brains often do is discount future pain based on current desire to feel pleasure,
What his brain didn’t take...
Accountability partners There is often, in marriages and in the addiction model of pornography struggles, a question of, “what about my accountability partner?”
Often, we ask this because we are seeking to have someone who will struggle through this with us and help us in those intense moments where we are believing the lies our brain tells us about how we don’t want to feel bad and pornography will help solve that immediate, acute struggle.
As I was talking about this with a client this week, I urged him to use the plan ahead protocol that we teach to our individual coaching clients and in our membership, as well as, being radically honest with the people around him. In particular his mother.
His response to me prompted this podcast.
He said, “my mom struggled through my dad’s drug addictions as his accountability partner and isn’t really willing to do that for me. She said, I need to do this one on my own.”
Her story was one of being crushed by the overwhelming burden of being the person who is supposed to help someone do something, and having absolutely no control or influence over that person’s behavior.
She didn’t want to be “responsible” for her son the way she had been “responsible” for her husband all those years.
What is the difference between being or having an “accountability partner” and being accountable to yourself while being open about our struggles?
The traditional role of an accountability partner the way it was explained to me and the way I interpreted it, was that they were a person you checked in with regularly, they measured your progress, you called them when there was a crisis and they were the person who was going to talk you down off the ledge, convince you to stop, try to interrupt your model and get you back on the straight and narrow path.
Sounds good right?
Darcy, what do you think about this idea?
Then there is the idea of partnering with yourself and if you desire one other person to help you just be honest out loud with what is going on for you.
This is the person you are going to tell what is happening for you, while simultaneously expecting nothing from them. They aren’t there to talk you off the ledge, help you stop, or distract you from your problems.
Really, what we are talking about is a vulnerability partner.
Being willing to say what is really going on with you.
Talk openly about your wants, struggles, feelings, and joys
Radical honesty. Not lying to self about what pornography does for you - I don’t want to feel frustrated the rest of the day – this is where it starts - Now’s a good time, - After I turn to pornography I won’t feel frustrated - Turning to pornography will help me forget -
Being aware that your brain is trying to help you feel good now, not feel good about yourself. Or in the future – your brain is always in the moment
Being upfront about your pornography use. - Plan ahead, - Confess ahead - Stop acting like we don’t know the pattern - Owning the decision o Don’t want to believe the things that you would believe about yourself if you were actively, consciously choosing it, rather than being caught off guard or a victim, or addicted,
Fear Not Is it going to destroy your life if you drink a cup of coffee? What if you have sex outside of marriage? How about if you don’t eat meat sparingly and fruits and vegetables in the season thereof?
We think the more that we oppose something, talk about how bad something is, create and perpetuate fear around it, the more we will be able to keep people, including ourselves, from doing it.
So, we often tell stories of designed to highlight the absolute worst thing that could happen to a person should they engage in a particular behavior that is contrary to the gospel.
When it comes to things like pornography, modesty, alcohol, or really anything we are striving to keep our kids and family members away from.
We tell the stories of the one person we know who did, you name the sin, and lost everything.
So to help us stop doing that we are going to tap into 2 timothy ch1 v 7 to talk about how we can stop stigmatizing what we find morally wrong and start living more fully within the gospel that heavenly Father has given us.
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/#note7a (afear); but of https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/#note7b (bpower), and of https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/#note7c (clove), and of a sound mind.
Let’s start with power.
I personally interpret this as agency. We have the power to chose what it is that we feel is right. Oftentimes, the fear side of things tells us that we are addicted, trapped, stuck. When we talk about our struggles this way we disempower ourselves and others.
To take back power, we must accept our agency. Take responsibility for our choices. Stop saying “can’t” should, shouldn’t.
Let’s move to love
Charity and love go hand in hand, but they also are complimented by empathy and understanding.
I’ve yet to meet anyone who didn’t prefer love to a story of doom and gloom about their behavior.
Just because we don’t agree with a behavior, doesn’t mean that telling horror stories is going to keep people from doing it.
Last – sound mind.
This is probably one of my favorite things within the gospel and often it gets short changed because we like hearing dramatic stories of revelations and hero stories of great triumph.
But a sound mind, to me means that we just need to use our brains and the logic and gospel principles that God has given us.
We can figure things out. we are pretty smart.
The brother of jared comes to mind. He was sent back to come up with a solution. Only the parts we aren’t able to do, like lighting the stones, are where the lord wants to intervene because he wants us to grow.
Shame cannot survive being spoken, it cannot survive empathy, brene brown.
Listen to my conversation with Ben, an amazing coach for parents. You can find out more about him and his amazing work at benpughcoaching.com
Healthy sexuality is not a fear based avoidance of difficult sexual topics. We need to teach our children swimming skills - Agency - Repentance - Atonement
We need to model the skills of healthy sexuality with our kids. Want to work with Zach or Darcy. Set up a consult at zachspafford.com/workwithme
Let’s talk about what coaching is. The kind of coaching that I do is called causal coaching. This work seeks to find the underlying issue that is creating the results in your life.
This means that when someone comes to me and says, “I’m looking to eliminate a pornography habit from my life.” I seek to understand what is creating that habit.
Many times that habit is a result of a lack of emotional skills. In my own life, I had a lack of understanding about what was driving my behavior and a lack of understanding on how to deal with what was driving my behavior.
So the two skills I needed and everyone needs to begin cultivating to be successful in this work are 1. Awareness of the emotions that are created in their life by the thoughts they believe 2. Practice dealing with those emotions without trying to avoid them, suppress them, or discount or negate them.
For instance, when darcy would go on trips with the kids to see her family and I was left alone to work, I had to learn to recognize that I was feeling lonely and learn to understand the thoughts surrounding that feeling. Then I had to learn how to process that loneliness. How to accept it, feel it, and not avoid it.
Sometimes, clients want to get a new emotion by just switching their thoughts or trying to skip past feeling the emotion. That’s a mistake. In this situation, I want to feel lonely because it serves me to recognize that when my family is gone, I miss them.
In gaining an awareness of the emotion of loneliness through practiced Noticing, I was able to see it coming, see when I was most likely to turn to pornography. This helped me be able to make conscious choices, rather than following the easy path toward just seeking to feel good that my brain had often offered me.
In addition to that, feeling loneliness fully allowed me to get good at feeling all of my emotions. So, when Darcy or the kids were on the phone, I could feel happy to talk to them more fully.
When my clients work with me, they are responsible for taking practicing these new skills as often as possible. I call it off game work. Just like in sports, where we practice outside of the game to help us prepare to play our best in game time situations, this off game work is done by repeatedly engaging with the skill in non game time situations.
For anyone trying to kick a habit, like pornography, overeating, or excessive phone use, practicing noticing your emotions on something that occurs regularly but isn’t the habit you are trying to eliminate gives perspective on what is happening in your brain. It empowers you to use those skills when powerful urges that you would normally give into come knocking. So, how do you take advantage of this newfound off game practice?
Start by writing down what you are going to do and attach that practice session to a current habit.
For instance, every time you brush your teeth, you can take 1 minute immediately afterward to practice being aware of how you are feeling and what your thoughts are that are creating that feeling.
I like doing this in the mornings because, for many of us, this is a good time to reflect on what is happening that day, which can be a source of stress for the work we have to accomplish that day.
Once you’ve done that, take 1 more minute to write down what thoughts are creating the feelings and what feelings you have.
This is a small practice, but it will help you to become more aware of what is happening for you.
Once you have written down your thoughts and feelings, take just one more minute, so we have a total of three minutes here, and...
Register for webinar https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_HgvmOmyPQn-fY2bDTWPjTw The other day Zac h and I went hiking up Shadow Mountain with our 4 little kids. Just to get up to the base of the “Mountain” you have to climb up two very steep hills. The two toddlers were complaining about their legs being tired before we even got to the base. . As we started to climb the “mountain” my brain started thinking in metaphors and how this hike up this “mountain” was a great metaphor for all the challenges we experience in life. . As we began to climb it was pretty flat. Then it got steeper and steeper. . There were points along the trail were the toddlers needed some help along the way or they wanted to hold hands to steady themselves. . Then there were a few instances were the toddlers were not physically able to do the next step on their own and needed us to boost them up the boulders so they could continue on their way. There were points along the way where Zach had to carry our youngest. . As we were climbing, if I looked up ahead at where our 9 year old boy was, (he likes to RUN up this “mountain”) it was easy to get discouraged and feel like we were so far behind and that we would never going to catch up to him. . It was easy to think how lucky he is too have a healthy body that can scale this “mountain” in no time compared to the rest of us that went a lot slower. . But, as we put one foot in front of the other we eventually got to the top of the “Mountain” just like Briggs. It took us WAY longer to get to the top but, we DID IT!!! . It was so awesome to look back down the “mountain” and see how far we had come. . Sometimes moving away from pornography and moving closer to what we truly value in life can feel like a huge “mountain” to climb. . The truth is all you have to do is keep moving forward and when you slip on the loose gravel on the path (like we all do) you get up, learn from it, and keep climbing. . If you don’t give up eventually you will make it to the top of the “mountain!”
zachspafford.com/freecall Emotional debt We’ve talked about this on the podcast before – we bought a house.
It was super exciting for us to buy our house here in st g because, for about 18 months we lived in Milwaukee and missed all our friends and the life that we had here in st g.
We are super excited to have the chance to buy our house. But when I look at the amortization table, which is the thing that tells you how much you end up actually paying for the thing you just purchased I cringe a little. In the end we’ll pay 2x the amount that we purchased the house for.
When we talk about buffering we often just call it a behavior that creates a net negative in your life.
While buying a house is probably not exactly a net negative in your life, in fact, hopefully it is a net positive, loans and money offer a great analogue for what we do when we buffer or really how we manage our emotions.
Let’s talk about how we are both borrower and lender for our own emotions and how we can better manage that process by using some very simple math.
I like to talk about emotions as the math of our lives for a couple of reasons.
One is, I’m usually speaking with men and we men like to think of our life’s journey as a series of solvable puzzles and problems. Unfortunately, the men and women I work with often think that the emotional struggle that is often part of leaving pornography behind is a foreign land of mush and gush.
Second, it really gives us some powerful perspective on what is happening and what it costs to choose certain ways of dealing with our lives.
Here’s what the emotional loan process looks like.
Let’s start with a really simple example.
When we feel stressed and choose to turn to pornography, we feel arousal.
Now if this is where the emotional exchange ended then we would be fine. That would be the end of it.
The problem is that this is usually not where it ends.
First, feeling arousal doesn’t actually deal with the reason why you might be stressed. So, if I’m stressed because of work, then turning to pornography won’t get my work done any faster.
Second, that stressed feeling is now going to be compounded by additional negative feelings that I’m going to have to deal with as well.
Just like interest, when we borrow a positive feeling from ourselves, like arousal, that doesn’t fit into our moral compass, we are creating an emotional loan that will be paid back with interest.
So now, we have stress, guilt, shame, frustration, and maybe even more stress that wasn’t there before because we’ve spent time doing something that didn’t help us get work done and we are now even more behind.
We’ve just created a 4 or 5 to one exchange.
Imagine if someone walked up to you on the street and said, hey, I’ve got a nice crisp new dollar bill. I’ll give it to you for that crinkled up old 5er.
You’d say, no thanks.
But that is exactly what you are agreeing to when you take the emotional loan of arousal or overeating or checking our phone.
We are taking an emotional loan from ourselves, short changing ourselves and paying back at a 5 to one ratio, sometimes more, in order to feel good right now. In the moment.
When we feel a negative emotion, often times we look to mitigate it by using a good feeling emotion, like arousal, which is what we feel when we look at pornography.
So, in that moment we have done what I like to call, taking an emotional loan. Meaning we have now borrowed a positive emotion from ourselves which we will need to pay interest on over time.
The interest that we usually end up paying is a compounding of the...
Mothers day! As a mom how often do you talk to other moms about pornography and how often do you find that their kids are struggling? Mom’s often bear the burden of talking about pornography with their kids, what tips would you offer any mom who wants to begin creating an open dialogue with their kids around pornography? There is often a lot of guilt and shame for moms when they find out their child is looking at pornography. Why do you think that is? What ideas would you offer to moms to help them eliminate the shame for themselves so they can come to that conversation with their kids in a frame of mind that they can be pleased with? When you go to mothers retreats like the one you just attended, you seem to find that everyone wants to talk to you about your work once they find out about it. What would you say to women who don’t know who to talk to about the struggles they are having with pornography and their children?
zachspafford.com/freecall
You’re addicted to pornography, Right?
Monthly webinar
T: The addiction Causes Problems. F: Stress · Addiction means I’m not responsible for my actions – · Addiction can be a rationalization that our brain offers when we want to believe we are a good person even though I don’t always live up to my values. · What is the value in believing “I’m an addict?”
Do you hold your husband to a standard that you yourself can’t uphold? This idea has been on my mind a lot lately.
We are all designed to notice beauty
Just because we notice beauty it doesn’t have to mean anything
Is it possible to notice and appreciate beauty and still live in line with out values
That’s faith. Let’s talk about prayer. I’ve often gone back to the bible dictionary to understand this principle and I am struck by what it teaches about the nature of prayer. First, it is work. So many of us go through prayer as though it were just an incantation that we learned to conjure the spell of this blessing or that. The way we pray over our food may be an example you can look to for what I mean.
But work is uncomfortable, sometimes strenuous, and, often, marked by giving up something we want.
Interestingly, one of the only things that we have that we can give up is our will. And in this context, our will is often, as much as it is anything in our lives, the desire to feel good here and now.
When we layer that idea into our pornography use, it’s important to acknowledge that the thing we are often seeking when we seek out pornography is to feel good, here and now.
In the ancient world, people hit themselves in the chest or tore their clothing as demonstrations of sorrow. They were, in their attitude of prayer, literally giving up comfort in the here and now and paying the cost of discomfort in giving up their will to God in that moment.
Second, It is not a commandment, it is a conversation. It is an opportunity to acknowledge what we’ve been given by our Heavenly Father. It is an opportunity to discuss with him what we believe we need, want, and desire.
Prayer is an intimate expression of our weakness and dependence on our Father. It is an opportunity to express and experience the love He has given us.
Prayer, as far as I can tell, has two main purposes.
Firstly, it is meant to help us bring our will into concert with that of God’s.
Secondly, it is a place to seek out the blessings that are already ours, but that we are required to ask for.
All of this, in my view, brings the discussion we are having with Heavenly Father about our pornography struggle into a bright highlight of what we might do better to fully realize the blessings our Father has in store.
So lets start with the phrase that I used and I’m sure many of you have as well. “Lord, please take this pornography problem away from me.”
That may not be your exact wording but, it is likely similar to things you’ve said in your moments of want and struggles to end pornography in your life.
Let’s dissect where this type of prayer might miss the most powerful parts of prayer.
First off, this sounds like we are giving up our will to HF. We’re thinking, I don’t want this problem any more, I can just ask HF to take it away and make it so that I don’t have to struggle with it, because I’ve asked for a clearly good thing. I’ve asked that I no longer look at pornography.
But what this misses, is that in asking HF to “take this away” we are asking Him to be in charge of our choices. Problem there is, he gave you agency, he isn’t taking it back.
It also doesn’t account for work. This is a want, a wish list item that doesn’t have any cost to it except that you asked for it. This is like a little girl who asks her dad for a pony. All she does is say, I want it and doesn’t create any path to making it a reality.
But, you say, this is a blessing that God might be willing to grant. Sure, I think that might be possible. But I also think it is unlikely.
To be honest, I don’t think HF cares if you look at pornography. I don’t think that sits high on his priority list of things to eliminate from your life.
What I believe HF wants for each of us is an abiding testimony in the...
Download the talk Zach mentioned on the podcast free. https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie
Learn how saying no to something in your life is easier when you know what your real priorities are.
What happens when we get excited to look at pornography but that is contrary to who we want to be and outside of us being in integrity with ourselves.
4 key skills that you can use to help your kids navigate pornography in their lives.
https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/Membership (https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/Membership)
Recently I was discussing a specific commitment with my client that his wife was expecting from him. One of the skills that I teach my clients is to bring their urge responses from a place of unconscious habit to a place of choice and planning.
As my client was working through this with his spouse one of the things she asked was that he not look at pornography while she is in the house.
He committed to that with her and immediately broke his word.
His desire to be “good” for his wife was pretty strong and I think a lot of us do things like this.
We commit to things because we want to, we think doing so will help our spouse feel better, and it doesn’t seem like a huge ask and we should be willing to do what we’ve been asked.
This particular commitment is one that I think comes up pretty often as men and women work through their discussions about pornography in their lives.
Seems simple, she says, Please don’t look at pornography while I’m in the house. Or please don’t look at pornography while the kids are in the house.
Most men want to acquiesce to this request. We don’t even really want to be viewing pornography to manage our lives anyway, so why wouldn’t we say yes to this?
For a lot of us, this boundary is hard and fast and should never move.
So, let’s discuss it.
There are a couple of things that you and your partner need to be clear about and understand when you make commitments.
Is it realistic?
Is it going to produce the results we want?
Let’s start with that first question.
Is it realistic to ask your spouse to never look at pornography in your home?
From a statistical perspective, americans spend 70% of our time at home.
This means that at home is the most likely place that pornography is being accessed.
Darcy – a subtle way to Control his behavior - If the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography
It is also a little scary to think he’ll be out, somewhere, looking at pornography. Which creates a possibility that he could have an interaction with police because he’s looking at porn in public and create some additional issues.
Darcy – telling him to take his biggest struggle out of the home
Is it going to produce the results we want? Darcy – whats the result Many times this is a subtle way to reduce
if the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography use, then I would say no – if it were that simple then this wouldn’t be a problem.
I think a lot of people are looking to rebuild trust in their relationships and this seems like one of the things that seems like it should be easy enough to do and totally a good idea, but I think it creates a situation where failure is inevitable.
The client I was working with was really struggling with this because he wanted to do what his wife was asking but also, basically knew that he was going to fail.
One thing that his wife has said is more important than if he looks at pornography is if he is honest with her.
This is a tough moment because it is clear that he can’t really be honest with her and commit to this requirement.
So, it’s important for each of us to be clear on what we are committing to. For this client he needed have a candid conversation with his wife and tell her that this is not something that he can commit to at this point.
This candid honest is really difficult for both parties. But it is essential because the intimacy that we want requires us to know our partner.
When we know our partner and are able to hear their reality and can accept them as they are we create intimacy.
So, is telling our partner that they aren’t allowed to...
New lives begins at conception. * Nothing I’ve ever done in my life that has been worth it was an accident. * Yet so many of us believe that we can just fall into a life where pornography no longer has a hold on us. * One of the most important things that a man or woman who is using pornography to escape can do is just begin to think about what their life will be like without pornography. * This new conception of the life they want is a simple, impactful stepping stone to becoming that person. * Once that life begins to formulate in your mind, only then will you have the capacity to believe in it. * Belief in this new idea of who you are won’t be easy at first. * You’ll need to practice it, play with it in your mind, and work to integrate that belief in who you are into the subtle soul of your identity. * As you believe in you, believe in your new vision, the concept of a person who doesn’t spend their time viewing pornography, you’ll begin to start achieving it. * Many people make the mistake of thinking that achieving will lead to belief, but that is the wrong way around. * You know this if you’ve ever watched someone accomplish a dream that only they could understand and see. * Achievement comes after the idea is formed and the belief is solidified. * Start thinking today about what your life looks like when pornography is no longer part of it.
Travel and pornography use Lots of you guys travel. This is a huge issue for pornography users. It is a great opportunity to start learning what is going on for you.
Loneliness is probably the biggest issue I dealt with when I traveled for work. Boredom is another feeling travelers often try to avoid.
Whatever negative feelings you are seeking to avoid through buffering, I want to give you 3 things that you can do to make your trip successful and pornography free.
1. Plan ahead a. Know your down time b. Create a schedule c. Create a back up plan for down time d. Plan for exercise e. Plan for positive eating f. Plan wholesome entertainment g. h. 2. Increase self awareness a. Create intimacy – reach out to friends, family and your spouse b. Don’t expect them to fill the void of bad feelings c. Be willing to feel bad d. Notice your feelings e. Notice the thoughts that create them f. Be willing to ask questions of those thoughts g. 3. Learn from your actions a. In our membership we Use something called learn something and move forward in b. Look back at the last time you went out of town. c. When did it hit you last time? and d. what could you do differently? e. What is the story that you tell yourself about when you go out of town? i. Is it that this is a time to escape and let loose? ii. Is it that you always fail? iii. Is it that you never win these battles? iv. Is it that you are going to have to fight and be strong and struggle? v. f. Decide on a different story g. Allow missteps to be opportunities to learn h. As we get older we think we
This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session. The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.” This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn’t even know how to ask, asked for you!
This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast.
As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it.
The question we’re talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives.
The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”
First off, let’s talk about why we feel shame.
Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it.
Shame is often contrasted with guilt.
The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change.
Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to.
I’ve heard it said this way and this definition works for me.
Guilt comes when I understand that what I’ve done is not right for me.
Guilt comes when I’ve acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold.
As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad.
Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are.
Shame comes when when I believe that what I’ve done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable. Shame comes when I’ve acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I’m discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency.
Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad.
So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”
Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don’t fit your idea of who you want to be.
First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn
Learn something move forward.
Second thing you’ll need to eliminate shame when you’ve acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust. - Create intimacy - Practice openness. -
Third thing, understand that you are enough. - Atonement -
Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad. Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be.
Work with me through the model of one of my clients and see if some of your own logic has been where he is.
Your happiness is within reach I used to think that darcy could make me happy. I thought that if I could just make her happy enough then she would, in turn, make me happy.
Seemed simple enough.
I used to do pretty much whatever she wanted.
I would let her get things that I thought we didn’t need.
I would do whatever it took to make her life as comfortable as possible.
In the first few years of our marriage we moved so many times, just because Darcy found a new apartment that she liked better than the one we lived in at the moment.
The first time we lived in Milwaukee we only lived here for about 6 years and we lived in 3 different places before we bought a house. 6 years, 4 houses. Did we really need to move. No. did we do it because darcy wanted to. Yes.
I learned to build things, fix things, make more money and climb the corporate ladder all so I could give Darcy more.
When it came to my personal time. Time to go play basketball, watch sports or do outdoors activities, Darcy had a firm veto on all of it.
If she didn’t like what it was I wanted to do, she would put a stop to it.
Then there was sex.
I would do anything for sex.
I would give up whatever I wanted for sex. Some strange bargains were made in the name of sex.
I did this in an effort to make her happy and to make me happy.
I have a confession. I was doing it wrong.
I was looking for happiness in the wrong place.
I was looking for someone else to make me happy.
I was looking for something outside me to make happiness available. All while this was going on for me, something else was going on for Darcy.
Something similar, but slightly different. Tell your experience of trying to get happiness from me.
Darcy – I truly believed it was Zach’s job to make me happy, I 100% believed he had the power to do that and that he should. When I wasn’t happy it was his fault, or the kids fault or the houses fault.
Pretty much everything outside of me what to blame for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong I was not miserable all the time but when I was not happy it was not my fault.
I would use sex as a bargaining tool for me to get what I wanted on occasions. I also used sex as a way to feel validated by Zach. I also thought I could make Zach happy by having sex.
Sounds terrible.
So, what happened and how can you take control of your happiness?
Around the time I was really making headway in quitting pornography I became more aware at how much of my choices were dependent on Darcy’s desires.
I worked really hard to do what she wanted because I thought that it would build our relationship.
In part, it did and in part it created a lot of resentment.
Sure, in the moment, it usually made her feel good and I could say that I would feel good too. But in the long run, I would look back at some of the choices and I would feel like I had been manipulated.
Now, I want to be clear, I know now that I was choosing what I was choosing. I don’t blame Darcy for any of the way I acted.
What I was missing was the idea that I have to take both responsibility and action where my happiness is concerned.
1. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale 2. We weren’t bringing everything we could because we were acting like the other person would make up half the work. 3. You can’t be happy by waiting on someone else to make you happy.
So, how can we be happy? -this is something we talk about in the self mastery
You can choose. - New years - New beginning - Time to create turning points in life - Give you 2 keys to make any new habit stick - I can’t - One of my least fav phrases - It means we aren’t capable. - It means we don’t have agency, - Agency is o Knowing what is right and wrong o consequences o Ability to choose o - Any missing – don’t have agency - A lot of us have, in our heads a laundry list of things that we can’t do. - I want to give you three keys to help you deal with that list and start doing the things that you want to do - More importantly these three things will help you become who you want to be. - Because this is so important, - Want it to stick - Not going to talk about 5 things or 10 just two - If you want to make a permanent change to anything in your life. - New habit - You have to do two things - First, make it doable every time. o Let’s say you want to be able to do 50 pushups o Your goal will be to just do one o When you are going to do it, all you have to do is one. o If you want to be a runner, your goal is to put on your shoes o If you want to eat healthier your goal is to write what you’re eating once a day - Second, attach your goal to something you are already doing. o 50 push ups, do one every time you finish peeing. o Running? If you want to do it first thing in the morning, put your shoes on immediately after you turn off the alarm o Food journaling – right as you sit to eat, before you pick up your fork. - third – create and believe in I am statements o Change is most effective when it is who we are not what we are doing o I’m a push up fanatic o I’m a runner o I’m a healthy eater o Don’t have to be doing it all the time, or even consistently o We all know a hunter – they say, “I’m a hunter” o No one is like, “are you hunting right now?” o Have you hunted in the last week? Prove to me you’re a hunter o We just take people at their word o The more we believe we “are” the more we are likely to act in a way that reflects that belief o
First, we want to announce here on the podcast that this is the year! Darcy and I have built a world class membership for you and your loved ones to come and make 2021 your year to finally put pornography behind you and as a special offer, you can be a founding member for less than the cost of one date night each month. Get a year pass as a founding member, lock in this price forever, and make 2021 the year you stop feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed and start feeling more confident, fulfilled and successful!
We can help you do that.
We are going to get you there and have fun in the process.
We are going to have seven different ways you can get help in the membership.
We are going to have a monthly workshop, where we take a deep dive on one of the skills you need to get pornography out of your life.
Then we are going to have six monthly calls for coaching and Q&A. 2 for those dealing with pornography, run by me. 2 for spouses and 2 for parents.
IF you are dealing with pornography in your life, in your marriage, or in your household , this is the perfect moment to set yourself up so 2021 is your year.
We can help you do that.
As part of our last webinar we had two very interesting questions come up in our discussion and I wanted to highlight them here with the help of my sweet heart
What is the catalyst that gets the wife to jump over the anger and betrayal issues, my wife has been upset and angry for 11 years now.
I’m a wife. I’d like to know how you rebuild trust, when lying is such a big part of the pornography compulsion addiction or problem?
If you would like to come to our next free webinar, you can by signing up at zachspafford.com/freecall or click the “Free Webinar” link at zachspafford.com
We love having people come to our calls and work through some of the very deeply held difficulties that have been part of their struggle to overcome pornography use in their marriages. These calls are free and are so helpful at getting people started on the road to a life where pornography doesn’t intrude on their happiness.
These two questions boil down to essentially one thing. “How do I trust and even love my spouse again?”
Darcy: I think it’s really important to recognize here that no one is requiring that you stay. You can choose to leave this situation. You may not like what that looks like for any number of reasons but staying or going is 100% your responsibility and your choice.
- That perspective is essential to building the life that you want, not just in terms of a marriage where pornography has been present. - Zach: I think it is also really important to see that the men who are struggling with this issue are almost invariably, earnestly trying and have desire to eliminate it from their lives. - I’ve spoken to so many men and women who struggle with pornography use in their lives and not one that I’ve come across has said, “I don’t want to give this up, but my spouse says I have to.” - Their struggle is real and they are trying to be the best they can. - -
1. The behavior of an individual is about that person trying to feel good. a. We’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but maybe we’ll just put a fine point on this. b. Our lower brain is geared toward helping keep us from feeling bad and is not very good at distinguishing between actual physical danger and the pain of feeling lonely, sad, stressed, tired, hungry or...
This interview with Ashlee Ayre is meant to give hope and a path forward to anyone who is dealing with pornography use in their life as a teen.
Your brain is probably lying to you One of the things that happens when we start down the path of buffering is that our brains will tell us things that are not true.
It will try subtle phrases that it knows have worked in the past and that have taken you down the path of your buffer before.
It does this because a little lie is ok most of the time and especially if it is said to make someone feel ok.
You know what I mean if you’ve ever told your spouse that you loved her in that dress when you really hated it.
Little white lies are actually pretty normal, simple stories that we all use to grease the wheels of social interaction.
You wouldn’t tell your boss that you absolutely can’t stand being in meetins with him because he never shuts up. So when he asks, “do you think we got the message across?” rather than saying, ‘yeah, you repeated yourself about 8 times” you say, “I’m certain the team knows what you were trying to convey.”
We also do this with our kids, we indulge them with stories that, while not strictly true, help us and help them navigate the world around us.
The easter bunny and santa claus are examples of this, but also when we are encouraging our children to accomplish something they’ve never done before we tell them, “I know you can do it” when you know no such thing, but you simply think it will help them try.
what we say to others, while not about being deceitful, can often be construed as not quite truthful when put under strict scrutiny.
Our brains use this same capacity to keep our external interactions running smoothly on our internal dialogue as well.
The phrase my brain used to tell me “This is the last time”
I remember distinctly being upstairs in our Chugiak Alaska home as a kid, tucked away in the cubby under my parents water bed.
It was always warm in there and since we lived in Alaska, it was a great place to hang out, read a book and be alone.
By that point in my life I had been taught that masturbation was to be avoided so there I was, warm and cozy and wrestling with the hormones of a pubescent boy.
I told myself, “this will be the last time and then I’ll never do it again.”
It made my decision to masturbate easier. It was a final farewell.
It made it so that immediately afterward I felt good about myself. I felt like I was going to follow through with that promise I made to myself.
We do this with food too. “I’ll start my diet on Monday.”
You’ve already not followed your diet today, it’s ok if you don’t follow it the rest of the day.
These are some of the things it says to help us feel better when we are not doing the things that we said we would.
These are the little white lies that grease the wheels of feeling uncomfortable.
The simple thoughts that, when you examine them closely, often turn out to be only partially or completely untrue.
Our brain lies because it wants us to feel good.
It wants us to know that we are going to be ok, that we are safe, that we will survive.
When we choose to believe these stories our brain tells us we get immediate relief from the discomfort that we are feeling by saying yes to a buffer that we may not really want in our lives.
For instance, it’s the holidays, I have a bag of white chocolate mint pretzels in the house.
I also have been working on not eating mindlessly and eating healthily.
When I see those pretzels my brain will tell me, “it’s not that bad, you’ll just have one.”
I grab one and chomp it down.
Then, to keep me from feeling the discomfort of having to stop eating them and the discomfort that will come because I now have eaten something that wasn’t really going to help me reach my goals my brain will offer me
An interview with Eric and Jackie, a couple who has been coached by Zach and Darcy through pornography issues in their marriage. https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall https://www.zachspafford.com/workwithme https://calendly.com/masterycoach/30-min-consult-darcy?month=2020-11
Motivation and willpower aren’t enough. When I was about 14 years old I told myself that I wasn’t going to do this any more. I knew what I was doing was not really something that I wanted to be doing but felt like I had to just get the right motivation and put some willpower to it and it would be done. I could quit this. I wanted to be the kind of kid who didn’t have to feel ashamed of who I was when people weren’t looking.
This was around the time I went to my first youth conference, I’m pretty sure it was in Seward Alaska, at some high school and it was a blast.
The theme song was Fly like an eagle by the steve miller band. Pretty sure that is a not so veiled reference to getting high from the same band that brought you the line, ‘some people call me a space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love’ - but as kids we just went along with it and enjoyed our time learning about the gospel with our friends, meeting new friends from around Alaska and singing along whenever the leaders played the song, “time keeps on slippin into the future.”
I came back more motivated than ever to be done with masturbation.
The thing about motivation and willpower are that they are unreliable partners.
I’ve talked about willpower being a trap and how it is the wrong tool in episode 38.
Let’s talk about motivation. Motivation is fleeting, it comes, it goes. It usually only sticks around for a little while until some other emotion takes over our current moment.
Anyone who has dieted knows this. We are forever fighting the battle of the bulge in this country and part of the reason is, we use motivation to start strong and then, when that motivation is all used up, because emotions all fade eventually, we haven’t built the habits that we need to behave the way we think we wanted to when we were motivated toward the end result.
As I have been reading the book, tiny habits by bj fogg I have noticed that is what I was doing as a young man working to eliminate a behavior that had been keeping me from being my best self.
This problem didn’t go away as I got older because, as BJ puts it, my behavior “was a design issue, not a character flaw.”
What I needed to do, and what I eventually did, long before I read BJ’s book was create a series of habits that crowded out my pornography and masturbation habits. I undermined what they were giving me by creating habits that gave me more.
And, just like the examples that BJ uses in his book, when I lapsed back into old habits, I didn’t look at it as a failure that impugned my character and made me irredeemable and broken. I saw it as a moment to learn how my designed behaviors had worked and how they could be improved.
I’ve always felt like a tinkerer. My wife is often amazed at the things I do when it comes to building and creating and fixing the things in our home. I love to use tools and build and create, design and refine.
When I stepped back from 12 steps and councilors about 8 years ago, that was the same attitude that I brought to my pornography habit.
So, I want to give you two, tiny habits that I have identified from those years that helped me create new habits that helped me so I could see pornography as a problem I had outgrown and no longer needed to help me feel better.
If you are someone who needs help with a pornography habit and wants to work with me on it, go to my website, zachspafford.com/workwithme and set up a consult with me. I can tell you how you can get the one on one help that you want to get to being worthy and free and clear from this trial in your life.
The first habit was a really simple phrase. Whenever I would begin to feel the urge to use my phone to look at...
Welcome to another beautiful mastery Monday, this is the Monday before election day. Please go vote. Regardless of what your political views are, be a part of the conversation, vote. Our 4 year old, Felicity came to me and said “My belly is saying food, I listened and I can hear it talking inside my body. It says it wants pasta or a sandwich”
· When felicity said this my mind immediately turned to how applicable this story is to all the different behaviors we use to feel something different. And how when we are buffering we are not allowing ourselves to connect with what we really want and need. Felicity in that moment was so in tune with her body and what it was she truly needed and that was food to fill her hungry belly. · If I take this idea one step further and ask myself what is it that my husband truly wants when he looks at pornography. I can without a doubt say that he is not looking at pornography to hurt me, make me feel betrayed or cheated on, make me feel not good enough, to ruin my girl time…You name it I can keep going of all the things I would make my husband looking at pornography mean to me and about me. The truth is the reason he was looking at pornography was because he didn’t love himself, he hated who he was, and that he wanted to feel good in the moment.
When felicity came to darcy asking for dinner, she was listening to her tummy tell her what she really wanted.
For many of us when we have urges to view pornography we are actually not listening to our true needs. Partly because we are adults and we have learned to set our needs aside.
Most of the people I work with are avoiding feeling lonely, sad, frustrated, angry or stressed.
The question we want to talk about today is, are you listening to what you really want, rather than trying to avoid what’s going on for us really, in an effort to feel good now at the expense of feeling good long term.
I recall a particularly difficult summer when darcy and the kids went to Wisconsin for three weeks and left me in California to work at my ladder climbing job at a large insurance company.
In my mind it was two months and darcy had to remind me that it was only three weeks long. So, that might tell you how big this was to me. It holds a big place in my mind.
Because she was leaving and I wanted to stay away from pornography, we had put in place some really good, quality measures to keep the internet from creeping into my loneliest times, late nights at home.
We locked down my phone so it wouldn’t be a temptation. My company computer was going to be left in the car at the end of the day. And the only way I could get on the internet would be to go to the MacDonald’s half a block away.
With all the precautions in place, Darcy set off on the 33 hour drive to Wisconsin from Thousand Oaks CA.
We were ready.
We thought.
Darcy, what were your thoughts as you left? · In that moment I was hopeful that he would be about to stay away from pornography while I was away. In my mind I was thinking about how this would be a great opportunity to prove to me how I could trust him and that he could “behave” while I was gone. I remember being anxious about what might happen while I was not home but, I wasn’t willing at that point to not go visit all my family for a few weeks.
For me this was my moment to show that I could do it.
I could spend the 3 weeks alone, and show Darcy that I wasn’t going to be viewing pornography forever and that I had grown.
So, I was setting myself up to go it alone, make my mark and show how good I could be.
What I really wanted was connection with my wife, self...
Have you ever been upset by someone who wasn't behaving how you thought they should. Take a listen to this week's Mastery Monday. Sign up for the webinar zachspafford.com/freecall
Abdication v delegation I’m releasing this while I’m walking down a slot canyon somewhere in southern Ut so if you want to get together with me while I’m here, feel free to message me on Instagram zachspafford.theselfmasterycoach I love angelicas, the peruvian chicken place or even the Indian place.
On Friday two weeks ago I was in my weekly meeting with my friend Jody Moore, talking about interrupting mirroring and anthropomorphizing and all the fun stuff that we coaches talk about behind closed doors and as the discussion progressed a really interesting topic came up.
We were talking about abdication vs delegation.
This is something that I work on with my clients all the time. Although I wouldn’t have called it this until we discussed it the other day.
All of us do some form of either of these at various times.
So, what is the difference between abdication and delegation.
When it comes to how we interact with our agency this distinction can really make or break your path back from an unwanted habit. Our oldest has been learning to drive and as a result I have been learning to relax.
As I have been learning to relax I have been thinking about this relationship between abdication and delegation as it relates to my son and as it relates to our habits.
A couple of Sundays ago the oldest half of my kids and I went to church and left the younger ones at home with mom.
My oldest got in the driver’s seat and we headed off on the 8 minute drive. Along the way he made a wrong turn and I gave him direction on how to get back on track.
As he drives, I pay attention to what he is doing with his hands, his eyes, his feet. I help him with proper technique and sometimes I even yell stop when I think he’s going to hit something because he is driving too close to it.
All along the way I am still taking responsibility for the path we take and even how he drives.
Let me tell you about a different driving experience. On the way to Utah Darcy and I took turns driving.
While she drove I would try and get some sleep because I knew that it would be my turn soon enough because we were going from Milwaukee to st George a 24 hr trip that we wanted to do in one shot.
As she drove I rarely paid attention. Obviously, I would sleep at certain points so it was entirely her responsibility to get us from point a to point b.
I took no responsibility for how she changed lanes, where her hands were posisitioned or whether she was watching the road.
Abdication is giving up the responsibility for the decision making.
Delegation is retaining responsibility for the decision making.
Each has it’s place in our lives. But what I find when it comes to certain habits is that we are often abdicating when delegating would yield better results and more closely yield the outcomes we are striving toward.
When I talk to clients, often they have abdicated their agency on certain topics. Pornography is one of them.
We think, I can’t ever look at pornography because it is unacceptable. Or with weight loss, we think, I can’t eat certain foods because they will make me gain weight.
What we are doing when we do that is relinquishing our capacity to choose and allowing our lower brain to drive decisions based on the motivational triangle rather than what will be fulfilling for our long-term happiness.
Listen to the following phrases, “I’m powerless against my addiction” or “I can’t stop using pornography” or “I shouldn’t look at pornography”.
Each one of these phrases places the responsibility for pornography viewing outside of our immediate control. And therefore outside our responsibility to choose.
I’m...
Learn Something, Move Forward Taking stock of lapses by learning something and moving forward is the only way to put it behind you. Each time we do the thing we promised we would never do again we tend to beat ourselves up. We often treat it like we are never going to get past it, we think we are lost, unworthy and powerless. That wallowing and self pitying approach keeps us from learning. It keeps us from figuring out the next thing we need to learn to move forward with life in a way that creates the person that we want to be. The moment you let yourself be the object of your own pity and scorn you've lost the opportunity to learn from what happened and you're likely to make the same mistake in the future. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ― Thomas Edison This is where the purposeful practice of Learn Something, Move Forward comes into play. When mistakes occur, because they will, take the time to learn from them. This practice is one of self reflected love. Viewing our mistakes the way our parents would have viewed our stumbling baby steps as we learned to walked. With eagerness for us to learn and grow. Not with scorn, derision and shame. In my program I often have people work through one of the many micro courses I teach to learn something and move forward. Often their response is, “I know that I’m not supposed to use pornography already” or “I already know that I want to stop this habit.” What they are looking at is the end result, expecting that they already know everything they need to know about the way they are thinking, how they are processing their emotions and how they are required to behave so they can feel worthy, strong and lovable. Let’s take the example of a baby learning to walk. 8 kids Baby sees running, starts to run and falls on face and cries No inspection of movement, No testing of skills No trial and error Just “I’m supposed to be able to run” Falling on face and crying How long would it take for that baby to learn What will that baby miss How will that baby learn Questions you can ask yourself. What did I view and how long that wasn’t planned? 2 What was the Situation that started this lapse? What was the feeling or desire I had? What was the thought that caused the desire or urge? Did I try to resist or did I just react? Did I try to allow the urge? What worked and what didn’t? 6 What did I learn? What will I do next time?
How can I let this go now? How do I want to feel about this moving forward?
zachspafford.com/freecall How can I tell that I’m ready to change? Costs outweigh the benefits. - Buffering provides something - Acknowledge those benefits. - How do you want to feel when you think about pornography - “Client said, I want to feel disgusted.” - That doesn’t acknowledge what pornography has done for you - - That also doesn’t acknowledge what it is costing you - It is just a judgement that makes you feel disgusted because you like pornography - So, honestly acknowledging the costs and the benefits of use will allow you to make the cost benefit analysis - Wanting vs commitment - For the better part of 25 years I wanted pornography out of my life. - I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take this problem away from me - For lots of years it was just a want, the way a little girl wants a pony. - I would ask and think that I just deserved it because I asked for it. - . - It wasn’t until after we got married and Darcy found out about my pornography use that I really got committed. - It wasn’t until it was costing me my self confidence and I was desperate to stop feeling like a terrible person who was never going to get rid of this problem that I started to take action. - I started with bishops, who were great and loved me. - They didn’t have the answers, they were there for me to confess but not to give me tools. - They sent me to counselors who were there to hear where I was and witness my struggle and validate my feelings, but didn’t have any answers, didn’t have any real world idea of how I was doing and why I was where I was. - They just told me I was an addict. - So that lead me to the twelve steps… which was full of earnest men, trying to move forward with their lives. - but that time only served to reinforce that I was “powerless against my addiction” - - - Then when we had the twins, I took a step back. I saw that none of this had gotten me where I wanted to go. - So I committed to figure it out by looking into my own mind, true principles that I could see from a gospel perspective and all the things I learned that made sense from what I had done before. - - This is what being committed looks like. - Trying. - Trying again, - Trying something new - Trying something different - Trying anything I hadn’t tried before - Trying things that were harder than anything I had done before - I spent $40,000 and...
Webinar: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/1016012548152/WN_9v9d7yYxTtyZ9RVzLRmJ3g How much power does pornography have?
So many of us want pornography to have no power over husbands, over our children, over our own lives.
Yet, so many of us allow pornography to have so much power over us.
Why?
Let’s just talk, for a minute about the attractive capacity of pornography.
Let’s be honest – the human body is beautiful, arousal feels great, climax is enjoyable.
When we see others doing something that is beautiful, arousing and enjoyable even outside of pornography, that fires all kinds of empathic receptors in us.
As humans, part of this group of creatures that our Father in Heaven has put on the earth to learn and grown, empathy and mimicry are key components of our survival and success.
We are also creatures of comparison. We look at someone and we think about how we compare to them. Are we taller or shorter, better looking or not as handsome, stronger or weaker, all of that is part of the game our brains play to determine if we are sexually compatible with or mating rivals with others.
Add to that the human sex response, which is one of the strongest drives within our system, and you can see how pornography might draw you in and keep you entertained for a long time.
When I think of all the things I just mentioned and how so much of our biology drives us toward this highly pleasurable, highly rewarding, low cost option, it’s no wonder that the statics show that in one study of 18-35 year olds over a six month period, 98% of men and 73% of women reported internet pornography use.
That is astounding. I would hope that the figures are lower among LDS Men and Women, but without data on that, I’ll just say that these figures give us a picture of it’s overall usage within society.
So what does someone get from viewing pornography. And again, my goal is to be clear and honest about what I perceive to be the realities of the issue. Just as we discussed on my podcast “get on the map” you need to know where you are so you can get to where you want to be.
From my perspective the number one and most significant reason, and possibly the only reason many people who have a moral objection to pornography viewing continue to view pornography is, pornography relieves uncomfortable or negative feelings.
I want to note that I saw a post on social where a wife was saying that the husband was viewing pornography occasionally but that they were unclear why he kept going back to it. It was something they had tried to figure out, but had no success doing. This is why coaches often say, it’s hard to read the label from inside the bottle.
This is one of those things that demonstrates to me why everyone should have a coach. Tiger Woods has a coach, Tom Brady has a coach, CEO’s, business leaders, world leaders and presidents all have coaches because they want to be the best they can be. And even the most brilliant among us sometimes has trouble seeing how our swing might be adjusted, how our actions might be improved, and how our thoughts are creating a result that is no longer serving us.
For those men and women who are dealing with pornography use that they would rather not have in their lives, most often they are doing so as a way to address the feelings they are untrained in dealing with. What I mean by that is, all of us have coping mechanisms that we use to feel more at ease in various situations, some of them create long term positive outcomes and others create long term negative outcomes.
For most pornography users that I work with, they feel the momentary and immediate relief created by arousal and as a result their...
If you’ve ever been to a 12 step meeting you’ve heard the phrase, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m an addict”. · Almost everyone I’ve worked with thinks they’re “addicted to porn”. · What if, instead of believing, “Hi, my name is Zach and I’m an addict” we believed something else. · I used to think that I was addicted to pornography, there was something in my brain that made it so I would return to pornography because I was “powerless against my addiction”. · I hated it. · I felt like I was trapped, incapable of real change because I would always be an addict. I felt like I would be forever at the mercy of this problem and I would always have to be on the look out to keep it at bay. · It was exhausting. · Eight years ago, after we had our twins, giving us six kids seven and under, my wife said to me, “I need you at home and if all these meetings you are going to for 12 steps and counselors aren’t making this better, I would rather have you here to help me with the kids.” · It wasn’t a demand, but it was pretty close. · As I looked at the previous years and took stock of what I had learned and the progress I had made, I knew I had plateaued. · Now was the time to try something new, something different, something that I didn’t know how to do and that I had never done before. · I took a step back and started to look at my brain differently. I started to ask myself questions about what I was thinking and believing and doing that was keeping me tied to pornography viewing. · In that work, something occurred to me. · At every meeting I had ever been to with the 12 steps the prescribed phrase to introduce yourself to the group is “I’m an addict”. · But not everyone uses that phrase. Some say, “I’m a recovering addict” and some say, “I used to be addicted.” · I realized that what they were really saying was that being an “addict” means I’m stuck, a victim, unchangeable. · What if you could believe, “I used to look at pornography, but now I don’t”? · Your brain will find evidence that it true. Your emotions will drive actions that make it true. · Most importantly, you’ll begin to become free.
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This episode we talk about the most important turning point in our relationship. How things changed for my wife in a way that allowed her to be there in a moment that previously would have been a blow out fight.
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When I lived in Alaska my friends and I loved to go out into the woods and camp
I loved the ferns. I loved the birch trees that had such great bark for starting fires.
I loved four wheeling and snow mobile-ing with my friends.
But, on occasion I would go out alone. I would test my capabilities. I would camp on the side of a mountain alone.
In those moments I needed to rely on my ability to read a map and orient myself on the map.
One of the most important skills in reading and following a map is knowing where you are.
Knowing where you are is the very first thing you must do if you want to end up getting to where you want to go.
If you don’t correctly identify your position on the map you are trying to follow, you will invariably end up in a place you were not intending to go.
The same is true of pornography use
In fact, just this week I had a conversation with someone who enrolled in my individual coaching program who was very frustrated because he had done so much work, put in so much effort in so many important and critical ways. Yet, he didn’t feel like he was succeeding.
As we spoke it became clear to me that he had not yet admitted to himself that he had been using pornography because it had helped him deal with his stress and with his loneliness.
That’s right, I said it helped him. In those moments when he had been stressed, it had provided relief. In those moments when he had been lonely it had given him a break from his feelings.
So many of us would just like to demonize pornography and users of pornography. It is a convenient and easy story that makes it so we stand on moral high ground, seemingly above the problem.
We say things like, pornography is just the next step toward infidelity.
We believe that people who use pornography are addicted and powerless.
We hide it and hide from it whenever people discuss it because that kind of person is disgusting and they look at things that are disgusting and everything about pornography is disgusting.
When this is what we believe about pornography and by extension, inference and explicitly users of pornography we are creating shame that withholds from the users and from ourselves the love that we all truly crave and wish for all of our HF’s children.
- Just ask yourself, where did Jesus spend his time? - - - Moral high ground doesn’t help anyone
What I really find interesting about this is that it is not just the wives who think and believe and behave this way.
It is the user’s themselves.
Just like my client who had up to that point, not really accepted where he was on the map, we all try to pretend that things are different than they really are.
We do this so we can feel good about ourselves. We do this so we can feel good about our judgement of ourselves and others.
Strange right:
Pornography users judge themselves for using pornography the same way non-users do.
Here’s the problem. None of that helps you become the person you want to be.
None of that helps you find the path away from pornography.
None of that is even true.
All of those thoughts actually hold you back from becoming the person that you want to be, if you are the user, and can hold your spouse back from being the person they want to be, if you are...
https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/1515981173927/WN_9S9QoOmaQwW8fiFYXFYE8g Mastering pornography means dealing with discomfort A lot of my clients come to me with this one question, why do I behave one way, when I believe I should behave another. A lot of you are listening to this podcast because of pornography use, but this work and all the principles apply to any unwanted behavior that you might be engaging in.
But I’m going to use the example of pornography. We ask, “why do I turn to pornography, when I know that it is against my values, I want to stop using it, and I am causing myself so much shame because I use it?”
They never ask it like that, but essentially that is what they are all asking, in one way or another.
They ask that because they feel stuck in one way or another. They often feel like there is no way to quit this habit because they go back to it time and again.
At its core pornography use is an escape from discomfort. that goes against our values, damages our sense of self confidence and leaves us with a sense that we lack control over our own behavior
Why do we use pornography when it goes against our values? Because it helps us escape discomfort in a moment.
Why do we use pornography when we want to eliminate its use from our behaviors? Because it feels good when we are feeling bad.
Why does our pornography use go contrary to our sense of control of how we want to behave? Because we tell ourselves that we should behave differently than we are.
So, if we are using pornography to escape discomfort and feel good, while simultaneously telling ourselves that we should behave differently, it’s no wonder that we might feel stuck and trapped by this behavior.
We believe one thing, we do another.
So, in order to reconcile that disconnection we have to rationalize what is happening. Sometimes that means that we call ourselves addicts. Sometimes that means that we say we are powerless. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we deserve this indulgence because someone or something outside us made it our only recourse to feel good.
No matter the exact way we do it, in some way or another, in order to maintain our sense that we are a good person we tell ourselves a story that makes what we are doing somehow ok, at least for a moment.
Then we beat ourselves up. We tell ourselves that we are stuck in this decision because we aren’t making a different decision
I had a client this morning, talking about his career said, “I know I’m not gonna quit, so that puts me in this box of not having a choice.”
His statement there is really telling. He says, “I know I’m not gonna quit.” Which is a statement that shows that he is making this decision. If he had stopped there and been ok with that statement, then he would be in a position of power over his choices and fully realizing his ownership of where he is. But the second part of his statement, “that puts me in this box of not having a choice” which he believes, makes him a victim of his own choice. He is his own captor.
Partly because he is telling himself a story that the decision he made is now not his. He externalizes the cause of why he feels trapped. It’s subtle, but if you listen closely, he says, that now he’s in a “box of not having a choice.”
We do this with pornography, we do this with food, we do this with anything in our lives that makes us feel trapped or stuck because we see it as detrimental to our long-term happiness.
For example, “I can’t believe I ate that entire thing, but it’s just so good I couldn’t stop.”
This story tells us that the thing we ate made us a victim because it was so good.
Take out the can’t and the couldn’t and the story...
Join this month's webinar, Register Here: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA Let me tell you about the day I lost my job. It was Mother’s Day and the person that let me go was also my best friend. He let me go because he had hired me to do a job that I wasn't qualified for and I didn't provide him any real value other than he liked having me around. Now his company was going through a rough patch and I needed to go, since I was the least useful person on his staff making the most money.
It was a relief.
The truth was, I had been moving away from working with him for a few months. I was not just there to provide value, I was there to babysit my friend who wasn’t very self motivated.
Don’t get me wrong, he had a good income and a great life and that is why he could and did hire me.
But he also needed someone to sit next to him while he was on the computer and watch his screen so he wouldn’t look at pornography while he tried to work.
Once I made the mistake of working on my computer, facing the same direction as he was, arm’s length apart from him but looking at my own computer and not his. He was at a standing desk, I was sitting.
I was working merrily along, trying to build us a new company.
He walked out of the room, I assumed to go to the bathroom or talk to his kids (we worked at his home office).
Suddenly his wife came storming in and said, “you need to put your computer up on his desk so you can see his monitor at all times, because he can’t be trusted.”
My friend, sheepishly, came back to his desk, right next to mine, an armlength away from me and started typing while his wife stood there with her head practically in flames.
He had been looking at pornography right next to me. He had been flicking back and forth from what he was doing for work and what he was doing to feel arousal.
That moment was one of the last times I actually worked side by side with my friend. It was probably the beginning of a rough patch in our friendship and certainly the beginning of the end of our business dealings.
You see he had been using me, as he had been using so many other people and things in his life, to keep him “safe”.
Once he no longer felt that I was able to keep him safe while he worked, we only worked together maybe two more times in the next 3 months.
I had watched and studied my friend for years at this point and I knew a few things about him.
Part of the reason I believe he had hired me was that I had been open with my struggle to overcome pornography use in my life and he desperately wanted to stop using pornography himself.
There are a lot of reasons he probably never will. He has, by his own estimate and his wife’s, had an episode a week on average for fifteen years with little change.
But that moment, the moment he viewed pornography while I was sitting next to him made me think of a moment in my own past that I feel so ashamed to admit.
Until now, I’ve never told anyone, not even my wife.
I had done the same thing years earlier, on a sleepy road, in a little duplex, sitting on my couch with my friends in the room, facing me, while I was on my laptop. I looked at pornography while I was chatting with my friends in my living room.
Until this moment, no one else but me knew it. My friends, whom I love dearly and still keep in contact with have no idea.
In writing this, I feel empathy for my friend more than anything.
I am disappointed for my friend, not in him.
I am sorry that he is dealing with this, not angry that...
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There are three natural roles that we tend to gravitate to in our relationships with others. Steven Karpman codified these in what he called the drama triangle.
Understanding how these roles work can really help each of us figure out where we are in this space and then, ultimately move out of the triangle into the fourth role that is where we all want to be.
The thing about these roles is that we tend to occupy each of the roles at some point or another. When it comes to our behavior, and especially addictive behaviors that we want to stop, this can be a real stumbling block to real progress in the search of becoming the best person we can be.
The other thing is that how you move from each of the roles in the drama triangle to the role that you ultimately want in order to maximize fulfillment and minimize the pain that you are creating and feeling is slightly different.
The three roles in the drama triangle are – victim, villain or prosecutor and hero or rescuer.
The role that you want to have and the one that will bring you the most long term satisfaction is that of what I call the owner.
Let’s take a look at each role and then we’ll talk about how you can move out of the drama triangle and into the owner role.
Victim – This is probably the most self-explanatory role. When you are the victim you feel powerless, helpless and stuck.
For someone that is dealing with pornography use as the user, they might think, “I’m an addict” or “I’m powerless against my addiction”
For someone who is working at a job they might think, “This is the best job I’ll ever get, I can’t leave it”
For a spouse of someone who is overeating they might think, “I’m stuck with this person forever.”
At it’s most extreme These are people who believe that the world is happening to them. Nothing goes right in their life and nothing good ever happens.
You might describe them as an energy vampire. Always sucking the energy out of life and unable to give anything back.
The issue with being the victim, as you might have surmised, is that, in their mind at least, nothing is their fault, nothing is in their control and they can do nothing to make their life better.
Villain/persecutor –
This is the person who is self righteous and can even show up as a bit of a bully.
In this role the person taking responsibility for the actions of others. They do this from a judgmental and self-satisfied tone.
In a marriage this person might believe, “my husband just needs to stop looking at pornography, it’s that simple”
At the office this might look like, “If accounting doesn’t like the way we are doing this, then they can come up here to sales and do it themselves.”
As a parent you might get something along the lines of, “I saved your butt once before on this, you never learn, I don’t know why I even try”
In that last one you can see how fluid these roles can be, in that you see someone might have been the hero before, but now they are really laying into the other person.
Hero/rescuer –
This is a person who takes responsibility for other people’s problems and make it their own, even though, in their own life they may not have their own life together.
This is the person who will come in and spend a lot of energy in a short period trying to fix someone else’s issues, often at the expense of their own
So this is a person who may believe something like, “if I help this person they will appreciate me”
When spouses fill this role it often looks something like being in charge...
Follow this link to get the download Zach Takes about during the podcast. https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie (https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie) Join us for this month's free webinar : https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA who we think we are, Who we are and who we want to be. This week one of my clients was talking about his life and the choices he had made His story, the thing that he believed about his life was, “I didn’t have the courage to make a different choice”
He wasn’t talking about pornography, he was talking about his career choices.
He comes from a family where what his parent’s want for him is extremely important.
His values make it so that deferring to them is part of his culture and his identity.
He also wants to be successful.
It is part of the fabric of his community that he needs to be able to provide for his family, be a pillar in his community and to give back.
He actually chose to be a doctor. He is practicing medicine every day and questioning it, questioning his fellow doctors if this is what they really want to be doing and wondering if he can last.
Now before you judge him and say, ‘well he’s a doctor, he has it great, why should he complain’ I want to take a moment to explore this thought that he has from the lens of these three ideas:
Who we think we are
Who we are
And who we want to be.
Let’s start by going back to the story he is telling himself.
“I didn’t have the courage to make a different choice.’
This is the story of who he thinks he is.
What does that thought mean?
It means that he failed, that he wasn’t who he wanted to be, that he wasn’t even who he chose to be.
It’s a story of a victim.
A victim of circumstances
someone who was pushed in a direction he never wanted to go but found himself there because of forces beyond his control and at the behest of others with no capacity to decide for himself and only responsibility for what he didn’t choose.
Often when we look back at our lives, the story we tell ourselves is one of regret and disappointment.
Things we didn’t do, things we shouldn’t have done, or things we wish we had.
We might believe this perspective is objective, valid and helpful in driving us to greater heights, better outcomes, and more effective decision making.
But take a look at how you feel when this is the story you tell yourself.
Disappointment
Most of us know what that feeling is like.
Even if this isn’t the story you tell yourself, yours might be, “I wasn’t as go a missionary as I could have been.”
Or “I should have overcome this problem sooner.”
Whatever the story, ask yourself, is this version of my history helping me become the person that I want to be by creating the feelings that drive me to improve, focus and succeed.
I can tell you how it worked for this client.
His disappointment brought him to second guess himself, avoid his thoughts about his career and how he might change his life, tell himself that he stunk. He also treated others differently, he would second guess his friends choice of career, would be abrupt with his patients and be unfriendly and unengaged.
This creates a world for him where not only did he not have the courage in the past, but he also doesn’t have the courage to do what he wants now. Keeping him a victim of his circumstances and beholden to the past, his perception of his family’s wants and his perceived inability to become the person he wants to be.
I can tell you I have seen myself in this exact place.
At one point when I was in my career I felt trapped and incapable of moving forward. I had to be someone I...
Register for the webinar on August 19 at 7 pm Central. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA 17TH ANNIversary edition. Happy anniversary,
This week, in honor of our anniversary, 17 things we’ve learned in our marriage.
1. Number one marriage takes work a. 2. we can do hard things 3. It takes commitment 4. stay calm 5. follow your path 6. assume the best 7. : support and encourage your partner. 8. believe in yourself 9. Everything is figure out able 10. work on your own stuff 11. do what you feel needs to be done 12. own your mistakes. say sorry 13. you are not responsible for the happiness of your partner 14. dream big, failure will happen, don’t let it hold you back or keep you down 15. empathy and compassion are invariably better than judgment and purposeful misunderstanding 16. the shower is a great place to talk 17. You never know when your greatest trials will become your greatest triumphs until you’ve made it all the way through 18. Number 2: 8 kids is a lot of laundry
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This is how you can register for the webinar. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA (https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA) or you can go straight to my website: https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall This is the link to Brene Brown's YouTube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EXMsKZAeL0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EXMsKZAeL0) - Brene brown is talks about this in her SUPERSOUL SESSIONS: THE ANATOMY OF TRUST . - First, Brené references Charles Feltman work on trust and uses his definition. - Which is, ‘trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else’ - In the case of pornography use, what is it that we spouses making vulnerable? Darcy: - For many women, this is right at the top of the list for what they would call a nightmare scenario. - This is probably something that many of them worry about because of how they anticipate they will feel - I think the moment you get married you have placed this all important and sacred eternal life in the hands of a partner - I think the thing that feels most vulnerable when you find out that your husband is using pornography is that you may have just lost everything - That’s devastating. - For members you are committing to eternal marriage - You feel vulnerable - Wonder if your marriage is in jeopardy Darcy: What about the users, what are they making vulnerable?
Zach:
- I think this is, for so many men, their greatest failing and for many of us a huge source of shame - Which, when we are either found out or confess, is a huge moment of vulnerability to the actions of the non-user - What will they do? - How will they react? - How much should I tell them? - Are all questions that run through our minds. -
I think its also important to touch on what distrust is as well.
‘Distrust is what I have shared with you that’s important to me is not safe with you.“ again from Charles Feltman
This is really important when we take a look at the two things that are vulnerable for the two parties.
For the men – They have probably just participated in talking about the thing that they are most ashamed of
For the women – they have had the thing they hold most dear ripped up in front of them.
The thing that the men hold dear is their ability to be a worthy, loving husband.
The thing the women hold dear is their ability to have a worthy, loving husband.
Darcy:
So, I think this is a moment where, wives react in a way that takes what the husband has done and puts her in a position of distrust as well.
He has acted in a way that creates distrust by taking the spoken or unspoken agreement that he would not use pornography and not kept it safe.
So, this moment is where she now has his most vulnerable and important sense of self in her hands.
I’ll be honest – the thing I did and the thing so many of us want to do is to tell him we’re leaving or if you keep doing this we are...
- Do you really want to or is there a part of you that isn’t willing to let it go yet? - Choosing to do this on purpose. - Not waiting until you never look at porn to have the confidence to be a free person - Commitment vs wanting – if you want something that doesn’t mean you will be able to get it. - To want is to desire or wish for something – there is no action required – it is passive - Wanting is really easy – all you have to do is think “I want this” - There is no risk involved. - It doesn’t require anything of us. - Saying “I want to stop looking at porn” isn’t going to get it done - It increases desire without any positive results – which can create a negative result in that you think you are doing something without results – - - When we think we are doing something without results we are creating failures - This is proof in our heads that we are failing. - - When we want something but aren’t doing anything to get it we are creating a gap that our brain tells us is insurmountable. - - When we are committed we promise to do something. - Have you ever said to someone, “I’m going to get this done”. Whether is was, going into a certain profession or building something that you had no experience doing? - As you go through that process, in your mind, you never waver. - - You know it is going to happen no matter what. - - That is committed. - - Action is required – until you get to the place you want to be. - - You aren’t waiting for it to happen before you believe in it. - - Being committed is uncomfortable and challenging. - - It also gets results - - You will have to do things differently and think about circumstances differently - You have to see the world differently than you do now to make that thing happen - A really simple example of this in my life has been becoming a podcaster. - I had no idea how to podcast 6 months ago. - It wasn’t even on my radar. - Then I wanted to be a podcaster because I thought it would be a great way to get the message out that there is help and there is a way forward for people who struggle. - But that didn’t make me a podcaster. - For months before I really committed to doing it I wanted it and I thought about it and I...
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zachspafford.com/workwithme 1. Write down the websites you will visit that day a. Writing down the websites gives your higher brain control over the situation. b. Why not just write the sites you won’t visit – there are too many to count c. If that day you visit a site that leads to pornography use, evaluate that site for tomorrow. d. 2. Only visit those sites a. What if I have to visit a site that isn’t on my list for the day? i. If it’s for work, then you do it. ii. If it isn’t for work, then you need to make a judgement call. You are the owner of this process and when you are free of pornography then you will be making these calls all the time. iii. You may decide that if there is a site you need to visit, that you will have your spouse do it with you iv. Or you may decide that it can wait until tomorrow. b. 3. Allow urges a. What is an urge? b. 4. Repeat
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You can set up a consultation with me here: zachspafford.com/workwithme Here's the link to the webinar for July 2020: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/3515928863411/WN_OJSUbCHSQGi0Ap7WPDC8jg
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register for this month's webinar https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/3515928863411/WN_OJSUbCHSQGi0Ap7WPDC8jg http://zachspafford.com.safechkout.net/pricing (http://zachspafford.com.safechkout.net/pricing) https://www.zachspafford.com/workwithme (https://www.zachspafford.com/workwithme) - What about, giving him sex so he doesn’t act out? o Control v partnership o - Seeing other women and being worried it will lead to pornography? o The beach o The fro yo place o - Controlling devices and checking up o Accountability partner – webinar question
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If you want to register for the webinar to help decondition urges and stop using pornography follow this link: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZItcu2vqz4iEtwha5erXQmdgBu9xHjMWQwr If you want to set up a free consult so you can be in the July 1 Group Coaching Program follow this link: https://calendly.com/habitcoachz/30-min-consult-clone 1. Choose love So often those who are dealing with spouses that have chosen addictive behavior feel like we are supposed to punish their behavior. In doing that, we lose the perspective of love that we once had. Choosing love doesn’t mean that you need to allow your spouse to abuse and overrun you. It also doesn’t mean that you give in to the demands of a spouse who is manipulating you. Choosing love does mean that what you say, what you do and who you show up as come from a place of love. In place of saying things like, “I hate what you are doing in our home and what you have become” you can say, and mean, “I love you. This behavior is not ok.” Choosing love is for you. It is so you can be the person that you want to be in the moment of your interaction. It is so you can lead your relationship by example. Being the person you want to be in your relationship will help bring your entire marriage up, not just changing you but also, indirectly changing your partner. Love is what you experience toward another. Other people don’t feel your feelings. You feel them. Which means, how you feel is how you act and how you act creates your results. Choosing love does not mean we allow others to break the boundaries that we have set within the relationship. If you have set a boundary that for 48 hours after your spouse looks at pornography sexual intimacy is off the table, then hold firmly and lovingly to that boundary. Be clear, keep it simple and love without condition. 2. Give up the need to be right a. No real benefit to being right b. Need to be right is misguided c. When you do, tension will dissipate What has being right ever given you? Has being right ever taken something from you? In a loving, committed relationship being right at the expense of the other person doesn’t bring us together, it usually creates an unnecessary wedge. My parents have this running bet. Any time one feels they are right about some inane thing and the other is not relenting, they will say, “I’ll bet your $300”. No one keeps score, no one knows who is ahead, no money is ever passed to the “winner” because there is never a winner. It is their way of saying, “it doesn’t matter, let’s move on”. When it comes to pornography use, you may believe deep down that you are right about what is happening. You may “know” that if your partner would just stop doing x or start doing y that they would be able to move forward and stop regressing to unhealthy buffering with pornography. The question you have to ask is, “is being right making my partner change?” The answer is invariably, “no.” I’m also not saying that you have to be wrong. You don’t have to give up on your opinions or act as though your position is unimportant. If you love the person, being right doesn’t make them love you more and doesn’t make you love them more. Give up being right and you will find yourself free from so much conflict. 3. Stop trying to control the other person a. We want others to do things b. Adults get to behave however they want c. We can’t control others without creating problems...
Every time I meet with a client I hear something along these lines. I try to stop but I just can’t – I have been fighting through this my whole life – My whole world is burning down because of this addiction. I am keeping it at bay, but I want to be free from this. This is the place most of us go to when we try to stop a habit in our lives. Most of us try to use willpower to change our habits In fact, I get comments like this on my Facebook page all the time. They say things like, “just stop it” Maybe you’ve heard something similar from a friend, spouse, bishop This kind of language is the language of going into battle. It is that keeping it at bay and believing you could lose everything as another client put it that is hindering your progress That is not going to get you all the way there. So many of us have put our fullest attentions and greatest efforts into quitting pornography only to be drawn back into it after a period of sober living. That is because we used willpower to fight what has become our most difficult habit. Willpower is a recipe for short gains, long term struggle because willpower is a trap, great book “change anything” talks about this in depth . It talks about how we may have half a dozen things influencing us to continue a habit while employing just one strategy to negate it. The book also demonstrates that it is not about some innate ability or capacity that makes us stronger than our friends or peers. “…people (often) believe that their ability to make good choices stems from nothing more than their willpower – and that their willpower is a quality they’re born with or they’re not – they eventually stop trying altogether. The willpower trap keeps them in a depressing cycle that begins with heroic commitment to change which is followed by eroding motivation and terminated inevitably by relapse into old habits. Then, when the built-up pain of their habits becomes intolerable, they muster up another heroic but doomed attempt at change.” Willpower is what we think we lack when we tell ourselves that we just didn’t want to quit bad enough Willpower can only take you so far because your brain is not designed to use willpower for lasting change. Willpower is strictly a short term tool The problem with willpower is that it is a power of struggle. When we use willpower we are simply fighting, battling out against the one person we can’t beat, ourselves. There is this new will smith film called Gemini man where I think that is essentially the premise of the film. That resistance, that battle, that warrior mentality, it is costly in terms of energy. In change anything, the premise of the book is that you can change anything you want in your life, if you have the right skills. In my individual coaching sessions I teach people a lot of skills. The webinars I do, are about teaching people skills. Today I’m going to teach you the first of three essential skills that I will be teaching live on June 17. If you are interested in attending that, please go to my website, zachspafford.com and click on free coaching call. That will take you to a zoom registration page where you will get all the info you need to join the call. If you want to stop using pornography, you need to know how to do these three things. I only have time for the first today, but this skill alone will make a huge difference in your life. One of the most important skills you can learn is how to say, “no” to your urges to go down the rabbit hole. Think about how you say no, when you really mean it. Especially with something that might frustrate you. If someone is repeatedly trying to get you to do something that you don’t like, you say, “NO!” There is abruptness, there is a clenching, there is a tightening against the thing...
Pain now or later. Almost every time I get a new client the first thing that they learn is that they have been putting off their pain. Each of us has discomfort that we deal with on a regular basis. Pain comes in lots of forms, some more painful in a moment than others. Some are physical pains like going to the dentist and others are emotional pain like loneliness.
The thing is, that when we avoid painful things in search of short term happiness and pleasure, we are usually setting ourselves up for long term pain that is worse and more damaging than the pain we were avoiding.
A perfect example of this happened to me at the start of this covid quarantine.
Darcy had noticed that one of my front teeth was looking funny, which it turns out was a cavity behind a filling that had come loose.
Immediately I thought, “oh, how much is this going to cost.” Being an entrepreneur I pay all my own dental bills.
You can see my dilemma, put it off, don’t deal with the cost of fixing the tooth now and keep my, what turned out to be $300, or pay for it now, get into the dentist even though there is this new order to stay home and they aren’t seeing anyone for hardly any reason.
There were a lot of good reasons to stay home, there were a few good reasons to go to the dentist.
Having worked in a dental office, I have seen first-hand what happens when someone neglects dental work.
Anything from needing heavy duty cleaning with a machine that basically jackhammers your teeth with sonic waves all the way up to pulling everything out because not a single tooth has enough integrity to stay in the mouth without the possibility of getting infected.
Had I left it for a couple of months until things opened up again there very well could have been the need to put a crown on it or worse, do a post replacement of the entire tooth.
Which would have cost a lot more money.
A lot of what we do in life is a trade off.
We work out knowing that a little pain now will help us be stronger in the long run. We get shots knowing that the vaccines, steroids and even pain killers that hurt some going in, will help us avoid worse, even excruciating pain in the long run.
When it comes to pornography use and the struggle that you have been dealing with for years, ask yourself, am I willing to take a shot now in order to avoid an even more painful future. What’s the value of that to you?
What’s the cost of continued therapy sessions for both you and your spouse before finally resolving this issue? What’s the cost of all the time you’ve spend doing something that is tearing at the fabric of your self-confidence? What’s the cost of sleeping in your car because your spouse has asked you to leave? What’s the cost of the hurt you are putting into your relationship and the trust you are breaking because of pornography use? What’s the cost of a divorce? What’s the cost of living separate lives?
Just like dental work, working on our self is something that if you don’t get in as early as you can, the cavities in your capacities can fester, grow and get infected.
The emotional pain that you feel when you are frustrated, stressed, lonely or even just bored are all types of immediate pain that if we choose to ignore it, we are creating a long-term pain that will eventually become unignorable.
When I was deep in my pornography use, there was this huge gap between how I felt and how I wanted to feel.
I struggled so much to feel wanted and loved and worthy that I would have done anything to get those emotions in my life. But, like so many of us, I didn’t know how.
I thought that when I was lonely that no one wanted me. What I...
Why we use pornography even when we don’t want to. When we try to control our feelings the results begin to overwhelm us. The paradox of control On a personal level, it refers to the phenomenon by which the harder a person tries to control something, the more difficult it becomes to exercise that control. Examples that are often given of this phenomenon are: (1) the harder you try to fall a sleep, the more difficulty you have actually falling asleep; (2) the harder you try to stop thinking about something, the more you think about it; (3) the more you try to control negative emotions such as fear, the more powerful those emotions become.
There is another paradox involved in this phenomenon: we get a sense of well-being when we feel we are in control, yet we do not actually have the power to control very much. The question then arises, why one or why the other. If we cannot have control over very much, why do we get a sense of well-being when we have the illusion of control? Conversely, if we have a sense of well-being when we have the illusion of control, why is it so difficult to actually exercise control? The two things seem to work against each other, and therein lies the paradox.
On the interpersonal level, when we try to control the behavior of those around us (or the things that happen to us), we find that our attempts rarely succeed.
Only when we stop trying to exercise control that we are able to get the results we desire.
The paradox here lies in the fact that in order to exercise control, we have to stop trying to exercise control.
I like to illustrate this with sand. If you have ever picked up a handful of sand and tried to hold it you know that the tighter you squeeze the more the sand just falls through your fingers. Eventually you will hold a tiny amount in your hand but the rest will just fall away because you can’t get a good grip on it.
On the other hand, if you scoop up a handful of sand and just hold it there, letting it rest on your hand, you will find that you can have a lot more sand in your hand with very little control.
In connection with the paradox of control, it is sometimes said that we cannot control what happens around us, but we can control how we respond to what is happening. If we shift the focus from external control to internal control we will get better results.
That is, if we come to terms with the fact that we do not have control over the external world, we can have better control over a given situation by controlling the way we react to what is happening to us in that situation.
This is especially true of the wives of pornography users. If we are looking for inner peace and to feel in control, exercising control over the way we choose to think about the situation, which gives us control over our emotions and our actions is the most effective way to get to the peace, love and self confidence we are all looking for.
What is, not what should be All good stories start at 330 am right. September 15 2001, just a few days after the September 11th terrorist attack, my missionary companion, the other two elders in our apartment and I were sound asleep in our seventh floor flat two blocks from the piazza garibaldi train station in naples Italy.
On the minds of each of us was this great tragedy that had just changed the face of the world and as we slept we subconsciously thought of all the loss and fear and hatred and pain that were at that moment permeating the lives of americans 8 time zones away.
A rainstorm had been pounding the city for hours.
Deep in sleep four missionaries heard a desperate thunder banging through our apartment and in our slumbering ears our 60 year old landlady crying “fate presto!” “Come quickly!”
As our feet hit the floor, something was clearly wrong. Where there should have been only tile, there was water.
At the door, our landlady begged us to shut off the water, which she was certain was coming from our apartment. It was, after all full of boys barely old enough to vote, so obviously they must have broken something.
Stepping out and standing on the landing of our top floor apartment I could see a cascade of water, careening toward the earth and crashing at the bottom of our large stairwell.
The door to a second apartment opened to reveal our neighbors across the hall bleary eyed and confused. Offering no answers, we all looked at the third door on this level. An empty apartment that had been unoccupied for as long as anyone could recall.
I tried the door. Nothing. But I could clearly feel the flow of water gushing between the door and the floor.
The landlady had no key as it was a private apartment. From the landing there was no way in.
The balcony of that empty apartment and the adjacent missionary apartment was separated by a stone wall with only one way around it. Over the edge of the wet balcony with only a slippery rail seven floors up to hold on to.
In a moment ‘I put on my raincoat, went onto our balcony and climbed to the flooding one where I found the only drainage hole blocked by a wayward mop and a random piece of plastic.’
Crisis averted, time to clean up. Sometimes I have conversations with spouses of pornography users who come to me at the moment of crisis. They have just found out about the pornography use of their spouse. Many are distraught, unbending and unable to look at this as anything other than betrayal. They believe that their marriage is over, their spouse is broken beyond repair and that they are a failure.
They are focusing on what should be and not what is.
Let’s talk about the differences between how we act when we focus on what is vs what should be.
“What is” creates possibility.
“What should” be delays possibility.
A high school graduate might say, “my gpa will get me into these colleges, I’m ready to make a choice”
Or when the think about what should be, they might say, ‘my gpa isn’t good enough to get into the school I want. I wish I had studied harder.’
A business person might say, ‘our sales were 93% of target, let’s evaluate our process to see if there are any adjustments we can make for the next quarter’
Or ‘if only I had made one more sale. I missed my bonus, this is the worst, I should have worked harder’
A pornography user might say, ‘I see how I have behaved, I understand the choices I made that brought me here. I am going to learn as much as I can from this.’
Or, ‘it just happened, I don’t have control over myself and I’m an addict.’
Making decisions from a place of fear.
What is fear and why do we often make decisions from a place of fear rather than from a place of abundance?
Fear of missing out Not having enough Failure Not being conservative enough
How is fear different than caution and how can we tell the difference?
What is it about making a decision from a place of fear vs abundance that makes our lives better or worse?
What is good about fear?
What can be bad about fear?
If you knew this was going to work, what would you give up to get there?
Matthew 13:44 – the man who sold everything and bought a field. “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
He didn’t think, what if someone discovers it before I get back? what if I can’t raise enough funds?
The reasons we use for a lot of our behavior are often contrived out of nothing.
Book – the art of possibility talks about “experiments with people who have suffered a lesion between the two halves of the brain have shown that when the right side is prompted, say, to close a door, the left side, unaware of the experimenters instruction, will produce a reason as to why he has just performed the action, such as, “oh I felt a draft.” …It’s all invented, so we might as well invent a story or a framework of meaning that enhances our quality of life and the life of those around us” I don’t know how the experiment conducted, possibly through visual input to one side of the brain or a physical stimulus that only would show up in one side of the brain and then the other side creating a reason for it.
Why Would my Husband Lie to me? And other questions Wives ask when their spouse uses pornography. Over the last couple of weeks my wife and I have had a number of conversations with a new client and his wife. They had enrolled in my 13 week course and after one session she hadn’t felt like she had seen any changes. This was hard for her because she was dealing with so much pain, so much frustration and so much heartache that his recovery from pornography use was eating away at her. She described him as unemotional, uncaring and disconnected. Their story is so similar to so many stories that I decided to share with you some of what each of them are asking for themselves and for each other. Let me just give you some background. I have known this couple for almost 20 years. About 2 weeks ago she reached out to me on Facebook and asked me to call her about her husband and my business. They decided to enroll in my course because they felt it would give him the best chance to change and become pornography free. As we spoke on the phone she told me of the difficulties that he was having. He had been laid off due to Covid-19, he was using pornography and he was hiding extra cell phones around the house. To her the biggest issue had been that he lied. He had lied to her and he had lied to their children. She loves him and wants him to get better. For his part, he is an amazing man who has done so many amazing things in his life. He has always been there for his kids and his wife. He works hard. He doesn’t want pornography to be what he does to feel better but he also doesn’t want to feel so bad all the time. And right now he feels like he has a lot to feel bad about. Their story is not unlike my story or the story of so many people who struggle with addictive behaviors. So, let me share with you some of the questions that she was asking, some of the questions he was asking and some of the essential information I shared with them and would recommend for anyone dealing with something like this. “Why would he lie to me?” Darcy - In the thick of it the lying hurt more than the pornography use. - I also didn’t understand why zach would lie to me. - When truthful I would react poorly - Angry, cry, call names - Throw things, threaten to leave. - His brain wants to do tree things - Pleasure - Pain - Conserve energy. - Honesty causes pain - For me - And for him - His lying is him trying to protect his feelings and mine. - Lying from kids perspective. - Not get in trouble - He’s lying to avoid pain - It conserves energy because avoiding external consequences - Lie because we don’t want to hurt others feelings - Hey guess what so and so said about you. - What would you tell a wife who is being lied to on how to handle this situation? - Remove the emotions - Look at the facts - When your child is doing this it isn’t to hurt you - Same true with your spouse - They are just trying to deal with their own emotions - Don’t accept/believe that you
- The sun is setting and the kids are out making the gleeful noises that signal an amazing day is ending. - It’s about bed time and I am sitting down to record - Thinking, what is the skill the thing that my audience needs help mastering this week? - What can I bring to them. - That they might have joy – 2 ne 25 - Opposition in all things 2 ne 11 - Taking new meaning - Ask clients, what percentage of life should you feel good? - 90%, 75% 60/40 - Major reason we fall into buffering or addictive behaviors – avoiding negative feelings - Avoiding feelings leads to doubling down on negativity. - Lonely leads to drinking, pornography whatever, - The lonely doesn’t really get addressed and in the end it doesn’t go away - Then after the temporary pleasure fades, the loneliness comes back and - On top of that we add guilt - So now we’ve doubled the pain - Problem is we can make it even worse. - We can double again and choose to think, not, “ive done something I don’t want to do again and I will take responsibility for it and stop” - We some times choose to think, “I’m bad, broken or irredeemable” which is shame, - So now we’ve tripled our pain. - - On the flip side, when we have great things in our lives happen, we look for problems. - Or we diminish the value of our accomplishments or our contributions in the world - - - 4 ways to create joy in your life. - 1. Seek the good in your life a. Consciously observe the wins in your day i. Dinner table question b. avoid seeing problems where there aren’t any c. Believe what you want to believe about yourself d. 2. Become willing to feel your feelings all the way a. Practice b. Self confidence i. Feel any feeling 3. Remember you are learning a. Ability to trust self 4. The atonement has bridged the gap, you just need to get on the bridge 5.
- Guess you could say that in a way man’s purpose is to feel the depths of sorrow and the loftiness of joy, each to their fullest - As I
- The more accountability we take for our experience here – what happens to us, what we create, what we see as external or internal struggles – the more choices we have o This is about ownership o Ownership creates power and choice - This isn’t about what you’re not o Come from negative place o Not strong enough o Not smart enough o Not disciplined enough o That is all blame and fault finding o Blame and fault finding are shame based o - Here’s the real difficulty, sometimes we judge ourselves for the things that we are taking accountability for o Then we look to see how we can deflect that judgement o When we beat our self up that often leads to deflecting which doesn’t feel good o This goes wrong in the way that people/humans don’t like to be blamed or at fault so then we look to explain away the results in our life o She didn’t meet my needs o This just showed up on my screen o There was a link in my feed o That food wasn’t supposed to be in the pantry - You try to deflect judgment - In the process of deflecting judgement, you relinquish accountability. - Here is one of the secrets that I want you to take away from this, You can be accountable without judging. - There are two words that you can eliminate from your vocabulary to help you do this. - Should and Shouldn’t. - You’re a human, you’re going to make mistakes - Saying I should have done this or I shouldn’t have done that - I should be more - I shouldn’t be so bad - I shouldn’t have slipped up - Taking should and shouldn’t out of your vocabulary all together will help in this process of taking accountability without judgement. - You aren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, no one is. - Take accountability without taking blame. - Let’s talk about areas where we can take accountability - There are three areas - Some call it the cognitive triangle – - Brooke Castillo calls it the Model - – most of us just know it as the things we have control over in our lives - - Thoughts, feelings and actions - Elder Uchtdorf had a great Instagram post where he was writing on a sheet of paper just a quick reminder, it seems - I have control over my: Thoughts, Feelings, Actions. - So, 3 questions: Why not always take accountability for these three things? - How do I take back accountability for these three things? - And why will that help me have greater self mastery? - Let’s quick define Actions: o Every one of my clients comes to me with one of two problems o I’m doing but I can’t stop o I want to start doing but I can’t § I’m using pornography and I can’t stop § I want to stop overeating § I want to get more things done § I want to stop sleeping in so I can get my exercise in - This is all stuff we do or don’t...
Does it matter whether you are an addict? Does it abdicate your agency? Does that thought serve you? - Does thinking it make you more likely to stop using pornography?
The urges are taking over my life – or that is kind of what a lot of us are feeling right now. For a lot of us this last 2 weeks have been really challenging. A lot of us are feeling trapped, stuck, and cooped up This is driving a lot of behavior that we have not used to buffer in a long time. For some of us it is eating –
A lot of people are going to pornography – the data indicating that people are visiting illicit sites indicates a huge spike since the beginning of the covid outbreak.
A lot of that is driving overwhelm, frustration and shame
Our brains are really interesting machines.
They do a couple of things really well and then they miss a couple of other really important things if we don’t manage them.
So, the first thing our brains do really well, is they see danger in bad feelings.
But something that is not a strength of our brain is distinguishing between bad feelings.
Being chased by a bear feels bad.
Being bored also feels bad.
Which one is going to kill you?
Your brain doesn’t know.
So it throws something out there to keep you from feeling bad.
In the case of being chased by a bear, people have been known to lay down and play dead as well as run screaming or even to stand up and face the bear, dealing with it head on.
In the case of being bored, you have essentially the same three options, you can lay down and play dead, for me this looks a lot like depression.
You can take off running, which is looking for adrenalin. So, food, pornography, social media
Or you can stand up and face the boredom, feel it and deal with it head on.
The big difference here is, when you face boredom, you know that eventually it will go away. That is not always the case with a bear.
Now, if you were faced with a bear and you did any of those three things no one would judge you
So, don’t pile shame on to your choice of how you choose to behave.
Figure out how you want to behave ahead of time.
Build in time for boredom
Create. You have projects that you have been putting off.
Engage your family
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Love – As papi to 8 children I have been regularly faced with a significant load in trying to connect with my kids. There is a lot that happens in life, there is a lot of living that 10 people do in one house, so there is constantly something to wash, clean, pick up, put back, get out, fix, make, build, take apart, and leave alone.
The other day my oldest was really upset that he was having to participate in the chores around the house because he felt that it was unfair, he hadn’t created any of the mess and now he was being asked to clean up.
This is the part where I probably would have gotten mad at him, escalated the… we’ll call it a discussion, and told him off for how ungrateful he was being, how he was acting entitled and life just isn’t fair so stop whining about it and get it done.
For me, my children’s behavior has often been a point of both pride and a source of deep frustration.
It has meant that I was either a good parent or a bad one. It has meant that I was doing it right or that I was failing miserably.
We used to go out with our 4 or six kids ( we don’t go out with all 8 at the same time these days partly because they are all at such different stages of life and the older ones often have activities). People would stop us so often and tell us what well behaved children we had. Sitting at dinner in a restaurant or grocery shopping was usually a high point because, in public our kids were kids, but the best behaved kind.
They did what we asked, they sat nicely and had conversations with us and we all enjoyed being out together.
These days we are all getting a lot more time with our children because of school closures and work from home or work shutdowns.
For us, even though I work from home and we homeschool our kids, our lives have shifted dramatically from one of going to sports activities, church youth activities, seminary at 5:40 AM, our oldest going to work, our littles playing with the neighborhood kids and all the normal stuff that you do when you are a large family of highly social people.
We now stay home more, our kids interact with outside people a lot less, practically not at all, in fact and we see a lot more of the inside of our home and each other.
All of this leads up to the moment two nights ago when my oldest was what I would call excessively upset over being asked to clean up a mess that he didn’t make.
As I stood there, tired from a day of work, with a tube of caulk in my hands because I was putting it on the baseboards that I had just replaced on the entire main floor, I looked at my son with anger and frustration welling up in me.
I wanted him to just help, to just get it done, to just stop complaining about the work that was obviously going to need to be done by someone. I didn’t understand why he was acting like this and why did I have to deal with his bad attitude.
I could feel myself getting warm and I was seeing red.
At that moment I realized something that I had been trying to do for a few months now. I was trying to see my children and everyone around me the way I wanted to be seen. And trying to eliminate what felt like near constant bickering among my kids when they are home.
I realized that this was that moment where I could change the whole situation. I realized that love was the one thing that I needed to bring to the equation.
So, I just stopped running around applying caulk, even though it felt like there was a time crunch because that stuff dries, and I looked at my baby boy who is now the size of a grown man and I said, “It’s ok, I’ll do it when I finish this. You don’t have to.”
Then I put my hand on his shoulder with love in my eyes and went back to what I was doing.
I had peace, in that moment. I knew that I might have to go back and clean up, but it was ok. I realized that no...
Victim-hood and the blame game. - Not too many people think or express that they are the victim. - Not weakness, just our brain justifying our behavior - Indicators of victim mentality. - Blame o If my spouse would just meet my needs better o If I just hadn’t looked at porn that first time o If my church leaders would just help me more o The house clean on ramsey – o If only the circumstance was different o Ask yourself, do I blame anyone else for things that I don’t like about myself or my behavior? - Defensiveness o Byron Katie talks about defensiveness as the first act of war o That person doesn’t know my situation o My life is different. o No one else can understand what I’m going through o No matter what I do it’s never good enough o Zach driving o This is a place of defending your actions even though you might want to change but think you don’t know how o Ask yourself, is there someone in my life that is causing my pain? o - Complaining o I just can’t catch a break o Also, just plain negativity, o this is never going to work, nothing I do works o You feel sorry for yourself and feel trapped. o You know this person in your life, they are constantly looking to engage in a conversation that is negative.. o Building a business has really challenged me in this area o I just have to ignore those thoughts and move forward with my best plans. o Ask yourself, do I complain , do I excuse my behavior, are my thoughts and words negative? o - Key indication is that the stories that you tell involve “someone did something to me” “it happened to me” - “I was reading the news and the site showed an article that made me want to click further and that took me down the rabbit hole” – it just happened to me - Be careful about your words – look for a victim and villain
Action bias We act in order to gain some sense of control or even to eliminate a problem
- 1 - Doing something is better than doing nothing o We see this in business where we begin looking for solutions before we have even fully developed what the problem is. o This is what we do when we are dealing with addictive behaviors. o Giving in to our urges is an action that we engage in for a variety of reasons – sometimes because we think it will make the urge go away or because we want to do it regardless of the consequences. o This also comes into play when we engage in distracting ourselves. o Keep ourselves busy – go run rather than deal with the urge, get busy with work rather than deal with the urge other distracting behaviors. o Or the classic, “im craving this, so I have to eat it.” o - 12 - Others expect me to do something. o Soccer goalies jumping left or right when statistically they should stay in the middle of the goal o White knuckling is a form of action where we exert extraordinary effort to keep our urges and impulses at bay. o Others expect us to just do it, or in this case not do it. o The action we are taking is fighting the urge o Holding it at bay. o - There is an alternative. - David Attenborough – iguana chased by killer snakes video. - Narrates very little, at end says in a chill voice – a near miraculous escape. - That’s it, - Allowing the urge – - Just sit and watch it - Do nothing, - Observe – feelings, thoughts, urges -
Battle of the brains - why your lower brain hijacks your best intentions and you still buffer So you have a problem. We all do. We are trying to survive in a world where survival is virtually guaranteed Infant mortality is down across the world Life expectancy is up. Since 1950 when life expectancy was 45 years old to 2020 we’ve added nearly 30 years to the average life of a person. Yet, with this survival going on we are also getting into things that are quote bad for us, like pornography, excessive eating, video gaming, over spending, and so many other buffers that keep us entertained in the very short term, but that bring a host of negative consequences in the long run. Why? Because of the thing that got us to this point. Our lower brain and it’s effective use of the motivational triad. Ok, yes, all those words. What ‘s the lower brain, why does it have a triad and does that involve nuclear arms? - Lower brain o Conservation of energy o Seeking Pleasure o Avoiding pain
Podcast - pain, process it so it doesn’t turn into buffering · We’ve talked about life being 50/50 · Episode 12 · unhappiness is half of life · I’m going to talk about pain – really, all negative emotions, lonliness, sadness, tired, upset, whatever you think of as negative emotions · Pornography users, over eaters, over spenders, video gamers · We do those things to buffer the feelings · Lower brain doesn’t understand that momentary dopamine leads to increased pain · Here’s what happens o Something happens to trigger the pain § – wife goes out for girls night, so you’re lonely § – you’re on a business trip, so you feel like you have nothing to do (translated – bored) § – something happens at work, so you feel like a failure § Your kids behavior is bad, so you feel like a bad mom § o You don’t know why you are feeling this - not because you don’t know what happened, but our minds are pretty good denial machines. o And we usually have habits that buffer away the moment so we find ourselves removed from the situation before we reflect on what went on. o Pain runs through your body o You resist the emotion by using– § Pornography § Food § Excessive spending § Social media scrolling · Using these to avoid feelings creates additional negative emotions o Pornography – guilt, shame, self-loathing, disconnection from partner o Food – guilt, shame, self-loathing, overweight, o Overspending – guilt, shame, financial worry, out of control o Social media scrolling – disconnected, envy, unconfident, depressed · All of these tactics create a long-term increase of pain, they don’t help you avoid it. · We don’t usually think of the long-term consequences of our actions, especially when we feel pain. · · Just like pulling our hand away from a hot stove, we react to pain in a way that provides immediate relief - · I took my youngest two to get vaccinated and they screamed and fussed and cried because they knew that getting a shot was going to hurt. · What they didn’t think about and what they don’t have the capacity to understand yet that adults do is that momentary pain will greatly decrease the likelihood that they will get polio or measles or some other disease with long lasting effects. · · Now that is physical · But our brains don’t easily distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. · When we feel emotional pain our lower brain wants to avoid it just as much as it does physical pain. · · We don’t usually choose to feel pain. · choose to avoid pain in the moment and magnify it long run. · Overeaters see this in their physical weight. · Pornography users see this in their self-confidence and in their relationships with their spouses. · When we scroll social media to excess we see this in greater depression rates and lower life satisfaction. · You can avoid the pain in the moment with a quick hit of dopamine, but that doesn’t remove the underlying...
Becoming the person you want to be is an infinite game. - Finite and infinite games are an interesting subject - I was listening to simon sinek and he talked about the difference between the two. - Finite games have set numbers of players, specific rules and an end point. - Infinite games have rules that may change, the number of players may change and the purpose of an infinite game is to keep the game going. - One night while traveling home from a single adult activity when my pornography use was weighing on me heavily, I looked out at the dark road and the distance ahead and felt a deep longing to be better. - As the highway hummed along under me and the solitude of the car pulled my thoughts deeper into my actions I prayed as earnestly as I knew how that if I could just not have this one problem, I would be a pretty amazing person. - What I didn’t see from that point in my life that I see so clearly now, is that becoming the person I want to be is not an arrival at some particular set of attributes - It involves so much more than that. - To become great at life we have to stop thinking about what we are doing in terms of arriving at an end - We have to think of long term, continued, and sustainable growth and learning. - So how does an infinite game work and how can you become a great player becoming the best version of your self that you can be. - Five things have to happen to play in the infinite game according to simon. - 1. You have to have a just cause. - 2. You have to have trust in teams - 3. You have to have a worthy adversary - 4. You have to have existential flexibility - 5. You have to have the courage to lead 1 – just cause – you have to have a cause that is so just, right, or important that you would willingly sacrifice for it. - As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints there is a lot of moral guidance about the cause we work for. - Eternal life is a just cause that we look to willingly sacrifice for. - An eternal family is another. - The just cause for most of us is our desire to be in concert with our Heavenly Father. - We believe that is the most important thing we can do, because we believe that it will bring joy into our lives. - There are lots of great just causes. The work you do could be considered a just cause. - The United states was founded on a just cause – it is about an ideal, so amazing, so important that we may never achieve the ideal in this life, but we will give our all to it while we can. - This is what give’s us purpose. The striving toward an ideal. Sacrificing for a greater state of goodness. - Simon talks about it this way, he says, “imagine a world that is different than the one we have now, that you believe if everything that you did in your organization went perfectly, that you would contribute to the building of that world.” - Moroni or Ether not sure if Moroni is just quoting Ether here or inserting his commentary on what Ether wrote but this is...
Feelings
The big question that comes up as I coach clients, whether they are trying to stop an addictive behavior or they are just trying to show up as the man or woman that they want to be, really captures the battle that we have every day over who we are and the behaviors we exhibit.
Why do I want … ?
Why do I want to earn a million dollars? Why do I want to become a doctor? Why do I want to get married? Why do I want to have the big house? Why do I want to stop looking at pornography? Why do I want to look at pornography? Why do I want to stop overeating? Why do I want to eat that whole chocolate bar? Why do I want to be more successful at work?
These questions are about feelings. They are about how we think getting something or stopping something will make us feel.
Whenever you can ask that question, you are really asking “how do I want to feel?” Because everything that we want is based on how we think it will make us feel. I think this is a really interesting conversation to have
And those feelings drive every action in our life. If you have ever spent time in sales, like I did, you know that your goal is to help the person buying have a feeling of one sort or another. When people feel the right feelings, they act.
Feelings drive you to do everything you do.
Sex, food, warmth, shelter, survival, are all driven by our feelings. In fact, the latest research shows that when we block certain feelings, our desire to do anything essentially is eliminated.
What that means to me is that if we can create the feelings we want, we can create the life we have always wanted.
Ok, so, let’s talk about what a feeling is.
For the most part, a feeling is a vibration in our bodies.
Most of us think that our feelings are caused by our circumstances. We think that because we live in a certain place or we have a certain job or our spouse says a certain thing, that is what causes our emotions.
The truth is our emotions come from the thoughts that we have about those circumstances.
For a long time, as I dealt with my pornography use, I used to think, I can’t stop looking at pornography. The circumstance of pornography hasn’t changed, it is still out there and it isn’t going away. But, rather than think, I can’t, I now think, I can look at pornography, but I choose not to.
That creates a feeling that I prefer, a feeling of success and a feeling of being capable. Which in turn, created actions that resulted in my being able to choose not to look at pornography.
The same goes for every aspect of our lives.
We can feel happy, or successful, or capable, or loved, or whatever feeling we are looking to feel when we want to.
does that sound a little off?
Just think about it for a second. Everything we do, we do because of how we want to feel.
Sometimes that means that we do things that make us feel good short term, but have negative feelings long term and sometimes we do things that make us feel bad short term, but have positive feelings long term.
Pornography users use because they want to feel good. Over eaters over eat because they want to feel good. Successful people perform their best work because they want to feel successful. Kind people are kind because they want to feel love. Weight lifters work out because they want to feel powerful. And so on.
So, if you take a moment and think about what you really want, then go deeper and ask, what makes me want that, what do I really, really want. Then ask yourself, how you will feel when you get what you want, you’ll find that when you dig deep enough, you really desire a feeling.
Good news is that your feelings all come from your thoughts, and you get to choose your thoughts!
If you want to change
This week on the podcast, my friend Natalie Clay interviews Darcy and I. It is a great chat and a great chance to hear from Darcy, who I talk about often but we don't hear from enough on the podcast. Thanks to Natalie for interviewing us and sharing us with her audience. You can check her out at natalieclay.com or listen to her podcast Couples Coaching with Natalie Clay. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-coaching-with-natalie-clay/id1459950159 (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-coaching-with-natalie-clay/id1459950159)
Three key components of self confidence and why you need to cultivate and build them into your life.
Relationships As I work with men and women, and their spouses, I find that one of the biggest issues that comes up is how pornography use affects their relationships. one thing that I often see and one thing that happened in my own relationship was that my wife thought that for her to be happy she needed to control me and my pornography use. If you haven’t read that story go back to my blog and check out the one titled, “My wife used sex as a way to try and control me and I wanted her to” Lots of wives and husbands do this to varying degrees, especially when their spouse isn’t behaving in a way that they want. This is the rules part of all our relationships. We have all these expectations of how our relationships should be. As I have learned and grown from a pornography user and now as a coach, something that each of us has to learn is that our relationships are just one thing. They are our thoughts about another person. If you have ever had a boss you can’t stand but someone else loves them, you know what I am talking about, even if you have never thought about it this way. Another good example of this is our ward bishops. They can be figures that are beloved by almost everyone, but there are some that we just don’t get along with. And we also have ideas about who they should be and how they should behave. As an example of how we think people aught to behave, When I was a young man I attended a youth conference where there happened to be a tv on in the lobby showing some Saturday night live reruns. In my house we had never been allowed to watch SNL because my parents had opinions about it. But there, in that lobby I saw a member of our stake presidency Julian Breillatt watching and laughing at SNL. Now, being the know it all teenager I was, I said something about how I was surprised he was watching it. and he responded that he loved SNL and thought it was very funny. Incidently, a number of years later, this same good man was the temple sealer who married my wife and i. My thoughts about what a member of the stake presidency should and shouldn’t watch were a manual of sorts for this man. But at that moment, I learned that I didn’t have to believe everything I thought about how others should behave. I could just let people behave without having to judge them as fulfilling some arbitrary set of rules that I thought. Our relationships with others depend solely on our thoughts about that person. What I thought about president briellatt watching snl could have been that he was a bad person and that I would never value anything he ever said again as a spiritual leader. Or, as was the case, I didn’t take his behavior to mean anything other than he was a man, doing the best he could. And when it came time for him to officiate in our wedding, I was happy to have a man who had been part of my life for many years there to officiate. When it comes to spouses, this same lesson can and, I’ll say, probably should, be applied for the sake of everyone’s happiness. Specifically, when it comes to pornography use, oftentimes, I find that spouses feel it is their duty to hold their loved one to a certain standard. And when that standard hasn’t been met, they are to punish, cajole, withhold affection from and judge the other party. So, in my relationship with darcy, I know that my relationship with her depends on my thoughts about her. My thoughts about her depend on my expectations of her and how well she meets those expectations. I also can’t have “love” for her, but that I have loving thoughts about her. Because, as we know, our emotions and feelings are generated by our thoughts. So, when I think about her lovingly, I feel love. I also know that I can’t be mad at her. I only have thoughts that create the feeling of being mad. I make me mad. Just like when I used pornography, she, her thoughts, were what made her mad.
How to solve any problem: 5 key elements. I love all the great feedback I am getting about the podcast, thank you. Some of you make it the first thing you listen to each Monday morning to start your week out right.
Somebody reached out to me about this week about the podcast from two weeks ago about falling forward and asked how they can get better at that.
And said, they were feeling stuck and didn’t know how to put that into play in their life. So, let me just take a moment here to remind you that you can hop online at zachspafford.com and set up a free mini session. I will help you out, let me hook you up. There is a link for the work with me button so you can just take advantage of that. I’ll also talk to you about options that you have if you want to keep working with me if you choose.
My spots are filling fast, so I am thinking about opening up a group coaching program as well so more people can get better at the self mastery that we all are striving to work on.
It is gonna be amazing
Whether you are interested in working with me or not, I’d love to do a mini session with you and help you out, so don’t hesitate to go there.
So, today, we are going to talk about how to solve any problem by understanding 5 key elements.
All of the coaching I do stems from the model, which was developed by my mentor brooke Castillo, the owner of the life coach school
She is a woman who I really respect for her work in helping people others work on how to become a better person and better at being the person that you want to be.
I also work with a really amazing coach jody moore. Who is my friend and a coach who brought me the model before I knew really anything about being a coach and is now my instructor at the life coach school.
I have yet to find a problem that this model will not work on.
So, if you think you have one that this model doesn’t apply to, then, sign up for a mini session and let’s give a test run and see.
The idea of the model is that everything we deal with in life, pain, suffering, negative emotions, all come from something other than our circumstances.
The traditional way of thinking is that circumstances make us feel bad.
The model shows us that our feelings come not from our circumstances, but from what we think. That our thoughts generate our feelings.
So let’s start at the beginning of the model. The “circumstance” of our model. Let’s just define that.
a circumstance is a fact, it is what we consider the indisputable facts of the case. They are things that we don’t control and cannot change directly.
Some examples of this are, the weather, other peoples, behavior, our past.
What do I mean that it is a fact, so this is something that is not up to interpretation and everyone can agree on.
For example, if you said to me, ‘I’m addicted to pornography’ that would not be a circumstance. That is a thought.
If you say to me, “at 2 pm I looked at pictures” that is a circumstance. It can be, essentially, proven.
It isn’t subjective or someone’s opinion. Everyone would agree with it.
Your car is a circumstance. weather is a circumstance. Other people’s behavior is a circumstance.
You can’t control them.
The second part of the model is your thinking, your thoughts.
I want to define what I mean by your thoughts, because I use this in my coaching a lot. This is a pivotal point in your ability to understand not only who you are, but also how you can change what you believe and think to become who you want to be.
Firstly, thoughts are sentences that are constantly running through our minds. This is essentially the conversation we are having with ourselves.
Sometimes we are aware of our thoughts, but often, because of how powerful...
4 ways to keep your cool and be happy at Christmas. Christmas is a time of excitement and expectations Trees, lights, presents, food. Also a time of difficulty for lots of people who struggle with depression, addiction, loneliness
1 – don’t expect others to be different than they normally are. - Today is our oldest’s birthday - He didn’t get out of bed when I called him for his 5 am swim practice - He threw a tantrum when I tried to get him to complete his chores. - he was demanding of my phone. - He was the same him that he always is. - 2 – don’t expect yourself to be different than you normally are. - I woke up this morning with a pile of things to get done - I did not start doing them until well after 1 pm - By Christmas morning I will get as much done as I can – I might fail - I am not yet the person that I want to be - 3 – be prepared to be disappointed. - You might not get the gift you want - Your kids might not take the picture that you want with the smiles and looking at the camera - Your parents or in-laws will probably still be who they are, so they will probably be exactly the same people they are on other days of the year - Be prepared for someone to say something rude - Recognize that you won’t be able to change anyone this holiday season – despite what you may want 4 – remember that your thoughts are what create your feelings. - Thoughts are the cause of all our emotions. - For me this has always showed up in terms of what people say. - I have observed that for me, when someone says something, it can easily be interpreted differently by me than it is by someone else. - You can take the thoughts that come and use them the way you have - Or you can create deliberate thoughts that serve you better - You have to program those thoughts into your brain and into your life with repetition to build a new neural pathway that is stronger than your old thought - - Here are some thoughts that you may want to try on this holiday so you can feel the way you want to about the time you get to spend with your family o Everything is as it should be o It was meant to happen the way it did o You/he/she is exactly as you/he/she should be o Love is always an option o I’m responsible for everything I think and feel o No one can cause an emotion inside me o People are allowed to behave the way they want o I am enough o Nothing has gone wrong here.
- Opposition in all things - How often do you think you will feel good? – what percentage of time? - What percentage of time do you think that you feel bad? - What does it mean to resist feelings? - When you resist feelings, you are not only denying yourself negative feelings that may serve you, if you feel them to their fullest for a short period, but you are likely also not able to feel positive feelings that may well serve you too. - 50/50 rule is that half the time, no matter what, your life is, no matter who you are, you are going to feel negative emotions. - We often feel like there is something external that is going to make us feel like we have “arrived” - Truth is, that the guy who makes a million dollars a year has just as many down days as a guy that makes $35k - The woman who weights 125 has just as many down days as the woman who weights 250 - We want to think that we will not have negative emotions because negative emotions are bad in our mind and that means that there is something wrong with us. - It is a lie that people who have x don’t have negative emotions. - Negative emotions are part of the package of opposition in all things. - What negative emotions are you trying to avoiding when you are buffering with pornography or other things? - What negative emotions are you creating when you buffer with pornography or other things? - What positive feelings are you reserving for when you overcome your pornography use?
I can’t keep going like this. Darcy caught me.
I had been looking at inappropriate pictures on my company laptop when she thought every thing with my pornography problem was behind us.
We were suffering through a really difficult miscarriage and I was turning back to the old things that made me feel better whenever I was feeling less than good.
She was furious.
She threw that laptop down the stairs, along with some laundry detergent and my dignity.
I was caught.
Being caught is a terrible place to be.
There is not a thing that you can say that really makes it better.
There is not a thing that you can do to make the other person trust you again in that moment.
It is the point where you feel your absolute worst while someone stares at you feeling your absolute worst.
It is the dream where you find yourself standing in front of the entire class in your underwear, except you are in real life feeling just as exposed and the other person hates you for it.
This was the moment that I broke my wife. The woman who had, up to this point seen me as an amazing husband.
When she tells this story, she talks about me being the guy that our friends would tease because I was always up, changing diapers, putting kids to bed and helping with the babies.
I think I am that guy, in part because of my pornography problem.
I think I am that guy because, at least in some way, I am trying to make up for being rotten and broken on the inside, so I make myself look awesome and helpful on the outside. At least to my wife.
At least until I got caught.
What is terrible, is that getting caught in this moment was not the moment that I can tell you that I changed and started getting better.
This was not that moment.
This was a moment that made me get worse.
This was the moment that made me turn inward and become more sneaky. Made me stop allowing my wife to see the real me.
I stopped sharing Zach Spafford, vulnerable, loving husband. I started being a character in my own marriage.
I became a guy that never failed at anything.
I would mess up at work. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would mess up with pornography. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would be stressed. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would be depressed. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
That moment was the moment I turned inward. I became a perfect guy outside as best I could so that she wouldn’t have to deal with my weakness because she couldn’t handle it.
I’m not proud of it. But it happened.
This is true for so many people that I work with.
What if my spouse is never going to be ready to forgive me and be my partner again in every way?
The truth is, you need to be honest with your spouse. Not because your spouse deserves your honesty, although there is an argument to be made there.
Telling the truth is about being the person you want to be.
Building the person you want to be is about being conscientious about behavior that brings us down, and tears down our sense of the greatness we have within.
So, I want to talk about building you.
This is the topic of today.
I told that story because I didn’t get that I wasn’t becoming someone. I was building someone.
Tony robbins has a documentary on Netflix called “I’m not your Guru”. There is a lot of swearing.
Near the end he says something that struck me deeply, he said, “I constructed Tony Robbins,” “I created this motherfucker standing here.”
When we create, construct or become the person we want to be, it isn’t an accident.
It has to be done deliberately.
1. Determine the virtues you want to have Benjamin Franklin, Early on in his life he deterimed 13...
This podcast is for pornography users and their spouses. Today we are going to talk about boundaries, and specifically, what they are, what they aren’t and how to set boundaries that you can be happy with so you can move forward into having the relationships you want to have with the people around you. This is really for you couples who are dealing with pornography and are looking to create boundaries that will help you grow and improve your relationship, rather than separate and divide your relationship. In discussing this I recognize that it is not always the man who uses pornography and not always the woman who needs to set the boundaries but I am going to probably stick to those lines for the sake of simplicity in this discussion. But know that I understand that, even though I will talk about husbands or men as the pornography user and wives or women as the boundary setter. Also, you can use this to set boundaries in any part of your life, not just with someone using pornography. If you need to set a boundary with your mother-in-law that she calls before she comes over, these principles apply. Just discussing it specifically in relation to pornography because I want to give you tools to help you in that struggle. I’m also going to note here that boundaries are a key component of any healthy relationship. So if you think, “I can’t set a boundary around this issue because that is going to cause my marriage to break up” or some other very difficult or unpleasant consequence is going to happen, you may be right. You have to be willing to set boundaries knowing that there may be unpleasant consequences and this may create a rupture that could be difficult to repair. When you set boundaries, you’re are choosing between feeling unhappy because you don’t have a boundary, which could be a long-term situation where someone walks all over you and setting a boundary that you have to maintain, which may cause some short-term unpleasantness through difficult interactions with the person who may not want to respect that boundary in the beginning. What is a boundary? Effectively, a boundary is a line in the sand that you choose to say, this line isn’t to be crossed. We have boundaries everywhere in our lives and society. Your home has a boundary that you expect people not to cross. For my father-in-law, his house boundary is not just the outside edge of his yard, but if you park on the street in front of his house, he will go out and ask you to move your car. That is his boundary. Inherent in a boundary is the idea that, if you cross this line, I will do x. In the case of a pornography user, in my case, my wife had a boundary that if I used pornography, she would not choose to be intimate with me until she was ready. That often meant that I had to wait until she initiated intimate contact, even holding hands or a kiss. Some of you listening to this might be saying or thinking, That’s not fair, my wife can’t withhold her wifely duties from me. Or maybe you’re the wife and you think, I can’t not take care of my husband’s needs, then he will act out more. Maybe. That is for you to decide, because when you set boundaries you are setting them for yourself. When you set a boundary, you are taking care of and protecting yourself. So, if you are the wife thinking, “I have to take care of my husband’s needs and give him sex whenever he asks for it, even if he just used pornography” that may be ok with you. But, if you feel like you are being used, or manipulated, or are resentful as you do this, then I think it is time to set a boundary. Because you are not protecting yourself and as a result you are doing something that creates bad feelings rather than build up the relationship. So, you need to be really clear about what your boundary is. Most of us have a boundary that we will not allow anyone to hit us. That is...
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Choices – the way forward. Finding your way is a matter of choices and making the ones that you believe will bring you the most happiness. So, I often work with young men who are just about to graduate high school and, for members of the church of jesus Christ of latter day saints, that means that they are getting ready to choose whether they will serve what we call a full time mission. That means that they will spend 2 years away from family, away from girlfriends, away from college studies and sports and they will go out to a place they are assigned and share the gospel of jesus Christ with complete strangers, sometimes in a language that they will learn that they have no experience with. When I was young boys went at 19 and girls at 21, now those ages are younger, boys can now go at 18 and girls
A lot of these boys are struggling with anxiety, with pornography, with knowing if they will be the missionary they need or want to be. Just a note about my show notes. they are essentially the outline and notes that I use to do my podcast. I don't edit them once I finish the podcast, so they are here for you as is and to give you a little glimpse into my mind as I do the show. They aren't a word for word transcript. Enjoy! I had a conversation with someone just today about the choices that he is making and why he is holding back from moving forward with his life because of the overwhelming feelings that he has. He said to me, Its hard to find motivation to go to school when you don’t know why you are going. Which lead him to feel overwhelmed and then led to various types of buffering and avoiding. What I’m not saying is, just go because you should or because someone else says you should or because you think you are supposed to or some other external reason. As I was talking with this young man the question I asked him was, why are you choosing to stay home? That took him back a pace, because it wasn’t that he was actively choosing it, it was that he was not choosing anything. Now, this wasn’t about him serving a mission but in a way it is the same conversation. Inaction is a choice, but often we don’t think of it that way. we think of it in terms of not yet choosing. But in reality we are choosing, we are choosing the status quo. What is happening with this young man is that he feels stuck, overwhelmed and generally unhappy. Some of you are thinking, yeah, because he isn’t choosing the right thing. He isn’t doing what is right and so he is not happy. But think about what you are saying there. You are essentially saying that we don’t choose the thing that we are told we should do, go on a mission, go to college, then our happiness will be in jeopardy. By that logic most of the world is simply unhappy and can’t have joy. The real reason for this sense of overwhelm is his thoughts, what he is making his choice of inaction mean and his lack of ownership. We already talked about his thought and his feeling. In the conversation he also told me that if he doesn’t go to school that will mean that he can’t get a good job and provide for his future family. That was what he was making it mean that he doesn’t have motivation. But the flex point, the place where the rubber meets the road is the lack of ownership. The truth is, regardless of whether he goes on a mission or goes to college or whatever, unless he decides the path he wants to take, he will stay unsatisfied and continue to choose thoughts that overwhelm and hold him stuck. He didn’t go on a mission, not because he chose to do something else or chose to stay home, he didn’t go because he outlasted everyone else in the game of ‘when are you going to put your papers in’. he didn’t declare his choice, he simply chose inaction and the world passed him by. Now he is in the same place with his schooling. Somewhere in him he...
I was having a conversation with a fellow coach friend of mine She had walked in on her 16-year-old son using pornography We got to talking about how she reacted and how finally she said to him ”I can’t keep you safe” The truth is that we can’t keep our loved ones from doing any of the buffering that they choose to engage in. In fact, I had a dear friend who for the last decade and a half have a weekly habit of Viewing pornography. He is an extraordinarily smart person who has all of the filters that you can imagine set up to keep him safe. And for a period of time his wife was the only one with access to the passwords required to get past those safeguards I have never seen so much security or safeguards set up to keep someone from viewing pornography. It was elaborate, comprehensive and cumbersome. Except my friend was, as he would say, “constantly checking to see if I was safe by testing the limits of all the blockers on all the devices in the house.” As someone who is somewhat technically savvy I felt blocked at every turn just to use certain websites that would normally be allowed, like google. This master planned internet access security would likely keep almost anyone safe. Not my friend. And for that matter, not anyone who really wanted to choose pornography. The reality is that, regardless of what buffer we choose, food, porn, drugs, alcohol, social media, no one can keep us safe is we choose to seek it out. This was true for me as well. My wife was the gate keeper of my phone’s access to pornography for a long time. I asked her to block the internet on my phone so I couldn’t get on at all. She was the only one with the password. It wasn’t able to keep pornography out of my life. It was only a temporary barrier to immediate access. Until I found a way. Until my friend found a way. Until my friend’s son found a way. Each of the stories has the same thread of reality running through it. In each version there are ample blocks to immediate access. There are hurdles to be overcome and access is monitored by a central figure, a trusted wife or mother. In each version, there are individuals who, morally, believe that looking at pornography is contrary to their overall happiness. In each version, the pornography users are trying to lead a life as clean as possible. And in each version, they are able to surpass the barriers to entry in an effort to satisfy their urge to view pornography. Why is that? Before we get into the why, I want to say something about these roadblocks that we construct to keep our families safe. They are good, they are necessary and they need to be built and maintained. But, as you will understand as we discuss the rest of the podcast, they will never be enough to keep your family 100% free of pornography. So why? Why is it that we will go to such great lengths to access our drug of choice? Whether it is pornography or food or social media or video games? Lower brain = eons of evolution = survival So that is the challenge. That is what you are up against. So what can you do? As a wife, husband, father, mother, individual, child, grandparent faced with a world where you can no longer just shut out the influences of the outside world and there are an ever increasing number of ways to bring them in and have them at the dinner table. First, you need to define what it means to be safe. Ask yourself what you are shooting to achieve . Create a plan and execute on it. Involve experts Be flexible and prepared to adjust Decide that any failures of the system are opportunities to learn Learn from those opportunities Second, understand what the people you want to help want Ask your kids what they are aiming for in their world. Be willing to lose a battle. Be capable of responding rather than reacting Keep consequences natural and...
The first thing you’re going to do to reduce buffering is to allow urges. - Allow vs eliminate - Allow vs indulge - Urges come no matter what The second thing you’re going to do to reduce buffering is to make all of your decisions involving your usual buffer with your higher brain. - Plan it - Schedule it - Discuss it
theselfmasterypodcast
My wife was out of town, it had been a hard day at work, my business wasn't doing well, we were on the verge of financial ruin, I was lying awake in bed and I was going down that familiar path to pornography use. Before I talk about how it all ended, let's talk about what pornography use is for most people. There are addicts, those people who, without regard for the consequences and unable to function without it, use substances, including pornography to get through the day. This is probably not you. This is probably not your husband. This is probably not your wife. The usage of pornography in your household is probably what I call "Buffering". A buffer is something that reduces friction between two items. It lessens the impact. It cushions the blow. A buffer is something that helps us transition from one thing to another with as little discomfort as possible. Most people don't know they are doing it, buffering. A lot of us do it when we move from one normal situation to another. We pick up our phone to see what is on social media rather than standing quietly on the subway. You probably have an uncle who does it while standing in the grocery line by talking to absolutely anyone about anything, regardless of whether he knows the person or not. When you grab a quick snack as you come home from work, rather than waiting for meal time. Buffering is a normal part of everyday life for most people. Why do we buffer? We buffer because it seemingly makes things easier For one reason or another, we are using the buffer to provide us with a quick chemical hit in our brains. Serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine all things that make your brain "feel good", at least in the short term. Looking at your phone gives you a "hit" that makes your brain feel a little better. The problem with seeking short term hits is that you sometimes end up postponing discomfort now for discomfort later. When you grab a quick snack every time you go from a meeting to your desk and then again when you go from your desk to a meeting will add up over time and probably make you obese. When you buffer with pornography, in the short term, there are not a lot of overwhelmingly negative effects. But over a long period of time, those effects are well https://www.webroot.com/us/en/resources/tips-articles/internet-pornography-by-the-numbers (documented). In your thoughts about pornography, none of that really matters. What matters is whether you decide that pornography use is ok for you and your family. I suspect that you are reading this because, although you have a moral objection to pornography and your stated values say that pornography use is not ok within your household, there is still someone using it. Buffering with pornography, like buffering with food, shopping, video games or any other form of self comfort is something that you can stop doing. You just need the right set of tools. One of those tools is understanding what buffering is, how it is changing your brain, and how you can see it coming before you start down the path of using. Looking at pornography is one of the most popular buffers in the world. It is readily available by the light of an ever present army of personal electronic devices. When people buffer, they are using the buffer as a way to lessen the impact of discomfort. Unfortunately, what often occurs is that the buffer becomes the default go to in order to temporarily avoid what is happening in the moment. A moment of discomfort becomes a binge on something else. About half of our lives are uncomfortable. Sometimes we feel discomfort because we are simply moving from one part of life to the next....
theselfmasterypodcast
The 12 steps are probably not working for you.I started attending 12 step meetings in 2007.
I also went to meetings sanctioned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a member. Those Church sanctioned meetings were full of guys that were pretty similar to me. No one had committed a crime (I don't think) in pursuit of their sexual desires, but none of them seemed able to overcome their pornography use either. So every week for a number of years I would sit in the meetings, I would say, “My name is Zach, I’m a porn addict, it has been x number of days since my last relapse.” If you have ever been to these meetings, the people are earnest, the topic is serious, and the goal is the same for everyone. 12 step programs are the most recognized and ubiquitous type of sobriety focused recovery systems in the country. Judges assign people to attend them. Families swear by them. I found a list https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/treatment-program/aftercare/related/types-12-step-programs/#gref (here) of 32 programs in addition to Alcohol Anonymous. Five of these had the word sex in them. So why, according to Lance Dodes, MD and the Sober Truth, do these meetings only have a 5% success rate? Now, granted, the Sober Truth is targeted specifically to Alcoholics Anonymous, but the “12 Step Program” has been taken and morphed to work with narcotics, pornography and food addictions. I don’t have data for those programs, but I think it is safe to say that the data is likely to be similar for similarly structured programs. For me, I worked the 12 steps as best I could, in concert with my bishop and stake president, and had regular meetings with a counselor. All of the world was pulling for me and I was pulling in the direction I was told I should go. Once I had been going to meetings for a few years, I thought, I should be able to go longer than I am. I should have more sobriety. I shouldn’t be relapsing like this. I felt completely alone. The truth was, that even though I, like hundreds of thousands, even millions of people before me, had gone through the steps, worked each of them to the best of my ability, apologized, asked for forgiveness, shared the program, done it all, I was still doing what addicts call white knuckling it. I was still living in a place where I was not succeeding to my definition of success. Maybe I wasn’t using as much as I once had, but each time the urge came, I was still bearing through it with all the pain that comes from having a kidney stone. I was always just on the verge of going back. Back to pornography, back to lying to my wife, back to hiding from my church leaders, back to buffering my life away with my drug of choice so I didn’t have to deal with my feelings. Some of you might be saying in your minds, “oh, then you did it wrong” or “then you really weren’t sober” or some other version of blaming me for not getting it right because I wasn’t doing it right so I have no right to complain. That’s not an atypical response from those dealing with addiction and advocates of the 12 step program. In fact, Dr Dodes talks about this in the Sober Truth. He quotes AA’s Big Book saying, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program…” Dr. Dodes concluded, as anyone might, that “the program doesn’t fail; you fail.” Emphasis his. So how could anyone who has gone through a 12 step program ever step forward and say, “um, sorry guys, this just isn’t helping me”? The...
So many addicts are hindered by their view of failure that it actually creates greater difficulty in overcoming their pornography use. As a coach I teach my clients that thoughts are one of the biggest factors in how we feel and act, leading to the results we create. When they view pornography, fall off plan, eat more than they thought they should, they view that as a failure and can often fall into a self-defeating spiral of feeling bad and buffering. What people often miss is that if we can take a step back and observe our behavior without judgement and without shame, we find an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are our greatest learning opportunities. Becoming a scientist of your behavior makes you an expert that can see patterns, pathways, and potential that you don’t see when you just feel bad. I often ask, What does victory look like? Having a winning record in sports means that you lose just under half of the time. The greatest sluggers in baseball only hit the ball in a third of their at bats. If you took into account the number of actual swings during each at bat that percentage would go down. Yet, when I hear that someone feels like a complete failure for looking at pornography for 15 minutes over the course of an entire week, I wonder, is that a losing record? There are just over ten thousand minutes in a week. That means that 99.85% of the time the person who feels like they failed was not looking at pornography. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to justify a little sin by saying, “be good 99% of the time and that’s ok”. What I am saying is, taking stock of where you actually are gives you a better chance of moving the dial to where you want it to be. In this instance, as in so many that I see, a small, though measurable improvement, would make a huge difference in bringing a person out of their despair and into a place of confidence in their own capacity to choose what they want. That 0.15% failure rate far outstrips the acceptable failure rate of electronics, which is between ten and fifteen percent. But, what can be learned from it is invaluable. You see, what you think makes a big difference. If you think, “I am a failure” then you very likely will be right. If you think, “I can improve myself 0.15% and be 100% clear of pornography” then you are just as likely to be right. Look at your failures with the right perspective and you will have a wealth of understanding to improve your record. If you would like help, or know someone who does, have them sign up for a free mini session at zachspafford.com/workwithme. It will go a long way to changing the way they look at their struggle in overcoming pornography use.
Agency is a really important part of everyday life. Many of us think of it as our freedom of choice and in a lot of ways that’s right. For individuals who believe they are addicted to some behavior or another the phrase, “I can’t stop” is a typical refrain. I find it interesting and powerful that the phrase “I can’t stop” is the one we use. True addiction seems to include some compulsion, but we don’t say, “my body makes me do x” or some other phrase that indicates the external forces driving us to the end result. In terms of the Gospel we often discuss how agency is an important part of our time here on Earth. To have agency we must have three key items: 1 – Knowledge of what is right and what is wrong 2 – Consequences for our actions 3 – The ability to choose our actions The knowledge of what is right and wrong is something that most of us have a grasp on. We usually know that certain behaviors are not good and that others are. Consequences for our actions can come in many forms. They may be natural consequences that come without any intervention, like our conscience holding us accountable to ourselves. They may also come from external sources, such as the anger a spouse may show because we have violated their trust. Both of these first two items usually occur without much difficulty. The third item on the list, the ability to choose, is the place where all the friction happens. Yes, obviously, making good decisions and making bad decisions is built into our freedom of choice. But where we are going wrong, especially when it comes to addictive behavior, is when we say, “I can’t”. I have a lot of kids and my least favorite phrase out of their mouths is “I can’t”. They say it when it comes to cleaning, they say it when it comes to calling people on the phone, they even say it when it comes to interacting with other people outside of their comfort zone. At that moment, they are abdicating their agency by abdicating their ability to choose. They are creating, within their minds a mental block over which they believe they have no power. They are creating a mental construct where they are not granted the capacity to choose to do or not do something but that they are at the mercy of external forces. Think about it, when your kid says “I can’t clean my room” and you threaten them with not being able to go out and play until it is done, even if they then clean the room they have not “chosen” it. It has been forced on them, in their mind at least. The same thing is happening with pornography use and other addictive behaviors. We say, “I can’t” because our lower brain is running a script that our higher brain, seems unable to interrupt without a great deal of will power. That is partly because what we have done is set a habit that our lower brain controls, by giving into urges that feed one of our primal brain’s three main goals. Those goals are to conserve energy, seek pleasure and avoid pain. Then, in a type of automatic assembly line, our lower brain gets set on a path that is well worn, starting with an urge. When we say, “I can’t stop”, our brain wants to be right. When we keep on the path of our addictive behavior, we begin to prove how right we are to our own brain. There is a lot of complicated science that bears this out in the field of epigenetics, but for the purpose of this article none of that really matters. What matters is taking back our agency. Agency is a tricky thing. When we choose habits and behaviors that have negative consequences there comes a whittling away of our agency. Like the kid who cannot choose to play because he chose to not clean his room. But when we choose habits and behaviors that have positive impact our consequences are just as direct but leave us with more choices. None of this is probably new to you. set up a free mini-session at zachspafford.com/workwithme