A Beautiful Adventure Marriage: Recent Episodes
Tara and Alex Payne
Hello friends, and welcome to A Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast. We are Alex and Tara Payne and we're so glad you're here. We're here to shine a positive light on marriage through Biblical truths and practical marriage tips and resources. We believe marriage is God's idea. It's a good idea and it can be a beautiful adventure. So let's go!
- Celebrate the wins/obedience
- Whisper criticism / shout praise
- Study the Word together
- Never stop communicating
- Share in their interest
- Make fun a priority
- Pray together
- Be intentional about sex
- Servanthood as a lifestyle
- Ask "How was your day today?"
- Shabbat
- What are you thankful for?
- What have I seen in you?
- Remember You're a Team
For more marriage tips and resources: https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/
Greater than 11 Prayer Challenge: https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/the-greater-than-11-prayer-challenge/
For more information about Annah Conwell go to
Annah Conwell and A. R. Conwell | Romantasy Author
For more marriage resources check out
Homepage | A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
For more information about Annah Conwell go to
Annah Conwell and A. R. Conwell | Romantasy Author
For more marriage resources check out
Homepage | A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Show Notes : https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/strife-and-the-underlying-issues-causing-it/
For show notes go to https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/how-to-transform-a-bad-temper/
For show notes : https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/proverbs-what-is-the-language-of-your-marriage/
In the Bible we find two paths, and everyone is on one or the other. The Path of Righteousness involves obedience and allegiance to God, with actions that show this loyalty. This path leads to life and blessings. The Path of Wickedness involves a life of sin, self-indulgence, and allegiance to the prince of the world, Satan. This path leads to destruction and curses.
For more show notes check out our website:
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/proverbs-which-path-have-you-chosen/
For show notes check out our website:
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/proverbs-creating-a-home-god-can-bless/
God's Word is powerful. It has the ability to transform us from the inside out. When we allow this tranformation to happen it not only changes our lives but it changes our marriage as well.
Join us for this episode as we sit down with Rabbi Jeff and Sherri Friendlander. We dive into Proverbs 3 and talk about how the Bible is "One Book, One Story" and the implications it has on our lives and marriages when read it and apply it to our lives as a couple.
One Book One Story: You can connect the first ten verses of Proverbs back to the Torah and forward to the New Testament. The Bible truly is One Book, One Story given to us by a loving God.
Proverbs 3:1 My son, do not forget my teaching (Torah), but let your heart keep my mitzvot (commands)
- A Call to Wholehearted Obedience -Solomon’s teaching which came from Torah
V2- For length of days and years of life, and shalom they will add to you.
- A benefit of obedience: length of days and peace
V3-4 Let kindness and truth never leave you—bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will gain favor and a good name in the eyes of God and man.
- Lev. 19:18 Don't take revenge
- Deut 15:7 Don't harden your heart against anyone
- Exodus 23:22 Don’t reap all your field, save some for the poor
- Exodus 20 Half the 10 commandments focus on how to treat people
- Romans 12:10 Be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving
V5-6 Trust in Adonai with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
- Deut 31:6 Be strong and courageous, He will not leave or forsake us
- Deut 6 The Shema- tells us to love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength
- Deut 28 Rewards and punishments for obedience or lack thereof
- 1 John 5:3 (Yeshua speaking) If you love me, keep my commands
V7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;fear Adonai and turn away from evil.
- Psalm 34:14 and 1 Peter 3:11 Turn from evil. Do good, seek peace
V8 It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.
- Deut 7:15 Being spared the disease of the Egyptians through obedience
- Psalms 103:2-3 He forgives our sins and heals our disease
- 3 John 1:2 Links healing to our spiritual wellbeing
V9-10 Honor Adonai with your wealth and with the first of your entire harvest.
Then your barns will be filled with plenty, your vats will overflow with new wine.
- Lev. 23 First Fruits offering- reminds us that God is our source and the sustainer of life. We are to trust in Him for our provision
- James 1:16-18- Everything is given to us by God.
Rabbi Jeff and Sherri Friedlander | Be One Ministries
Rabbi Jeff Friedlander is a Jewish believer in Yeshua (Jesus) and a passionate teacher of the Scriptures through a Hebraic lens. After graduating college, Jeff married his college sweetheart, Sherri. They have now been married for 35 years and are the proud parents of four grown children and six grandchildren.
Jeff and Sherri received their early training in ministry through Berean Bible College and The Master’s Commission, where they were both graduates. Their formation included memorizing over 450 scriptures and cultivating a life of service. Jeff was ordained through the Assemblies of God International Fellowship. Years later, he pursued advanced training at a Messianic Yeshiva and was ordained as a Messianic Rabbi and teacher.
Sherri is continuing her theological journey through a Master’s degree in Practical Theology, with emphases in Messianic Judaism and Women in Ministry. In addition to ministry, Jeff and Sherri also spent 23 years owning and managing successful businesses. Their real-world experience informs a practical and grounded approach to leadership and teaching.
Together, they lead Be One Ministries and Fellowship, a discipleship-focused ministry that equips believers in Yeshua with a strong foundation in the Word of G-d, emphasizing the unity of the Scriptures and their Hebraic roots. Their work bridges ancient truths with modern application for today’s believers.
You can learn more about Rabbi Jeff and Sherri and the resources they have to offer at www.beonetoday.org
Being willing to learn and grow is the only way to guarantee your life and marriage will thrive. People are always changing as time goes by whether they realize it or not. No one stays the same.
Since change is inevitable why not be intentional about changing in positive ways as a couple? We believe the whole Bible is our road map. God gave us His Word so we could learn, grow, and become more like His Son, Yeshua (Jesus in Hebrew). Through this transformation, we can live a life that honors Him and is a light to the world.
Since becoming better is our goal, Proverbs is a great place to start because it holds so much practical wisdom that can be applied to our lives and marriages.
Read more at:
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/introduction-to-proverbs/
In every marriage you will experience disagreements and arguments. However, when you find yourself having the same arguments often that’s a sign that there is an underlying issue(s).
A circular argument in marriage is a repetitive pattern of conflict. In most cases both husband and wife are very emotional about whatever the issue is, because of this it is hard to find closure so the argument comes up often.
There are a lot of moving parts that go into why circular arguments occur. The good news is you and your spouse can bring resolution to your particular argument.
Read More:
Resolving Circular Arguments - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
We took a pause at the end of 2024, so we felt like this would be a great time to reintroduce ourselves, talk about why we created A Beautiful Adventure Marriage in the first place, catch you up on what has been going on in our lives over the last few years, and cast some vision on where we are going with in the future.
Read More At:
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/reintroductions-recaps-and-vision-for-the-future/
Book Links:
A Time to Advance by Chuck Pierce
A Time to Advance - GZI Online
The Messianic Churching Arising by Robert Heidler
The Messianic Church Arising - GZI Online
On this episode we are wrapping up our conversation on the importance of sex in marriage. We have dove into this topic and have explored things you or your spouse could be doing to harm your sex life and ways you both can make it better. Let's look at two more tips before we go.
Do Not Watch Porn
Porn is extremely dangerous to a marriage. It will in no way unite you and your spouse. Porn will only cause division and other issues.
For more information about the dangers of porn check out Mark Gungor.
Create A Sex Bucket List Our last tip is to create a sex bucket list. Sit down together and make a list of things you want to do and places you want to do it. Have fun and get creative.
Now Go Have Fun We pray these tips will help you to grow the sex life you and your spouse both desire in your marriage. Sex is a good gift from God that is specifically for marriage. Don’t waste the gift you have been given! Now go and have a great and wild time with your spouse.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
With this episode we are continuing the conversation on ways to improve your sex life. So far we have given you five ways to grow your intimacy. Spend Quality Time Together
Talk About It
Please and Be Pleased
Don't Rely on Your Mood
Don't Overlook the Quickie
Let's dive into the next three.
Get Creative Don’t just do the same old things in the same old places. Have sex in a different room, or a different place altogether. Roleplay and dress up. Remember we said you should talk about sex with your spouse? Ask them what one of their fantasies is, and make it a reality. There is no reason for your sex life to be boring. Make it fun and spontaneous by being a little creative.
Relive Your Dating/Engagement Period Remember when you were dating or engaged and the passion was tangible. Remember how you couldn’t wait to see them and you most definitely couldn’t keep your hands off them. Why not relive that time? Is there a certain place that is special to you because of a date? Maybe somewhere you use to go and make out? Go back and relive those moments! Remember what attracted you to your spouse in the first place.
Dirty Talk Married people should be the ones having the wild and amazing sex, not single people. If that is the case why not use everything in your arsenal to make sure the sex is great? Start sending your spouse naughty texts during the day. Maybe send a picture here and there. If you spend your whole day thinking about what is going to happen later, not only will the sex be great, it will make your day better as well because you will be looking forward to something wonderful.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
God’s plan for sex in marriage is one of enduring intimacy. He created sex as a good gift to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage. Biblically it should be the married couples having the wild and amazing sex, not the single people. In our last episode, we gave you two ways to start having better sex, let’s pick back up that discussion. Please And Be Pleased Once you know what your spouse likes, do it. Sex is not about being selfish. Make your spouse and their pleasure your focus. There is something very gratifying when we stop trying to be fulfilled and focus on fulfilling someone else. As Christians, we know this to be true but I don’t believe we always apply this to our sex lives. When we aim to please our spouses, our spouses will most likely respond in the same way. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Don’t Rely On Your Mood There will be plenty of times in marriage where sex can not happen because of legitimate issues. So with that in mind, let’s not turn down the opportunity when it can. Just because you are “not in the mood” is not a good excuse. Instead of using it as an excuse not to, use sex to change it!
Don’t Overlook The Quickie In marriage, you do not always have candlelight and romance, but maybe you have ten minutes while your baby is napping. Perhaps you both have a few minutes before you have to get ready for work. Let’s take advantage of these little pockets of time to be intimate with our spouses.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
10 Ways to Have Better Sex Teaser: On our last three podcasts, we discussed 10 things that could damage your intimacy with your spouse. We dealt with the problem first because if you try to fix something without dealing with the problem, you will only have a big problem in the end.
In the next few episodes we will be discussing 10 things you can do to help improve your sex life. So let’s dive in.
10 Ways to Have Better Sex Spending Quality Time Together Sex should not be the only time you attempt to spend with your spouse. Find out what interests them and share that with them. Find ways to connect with your spouse in a nonsexual way every day. This will build your relationship all around not only in the bedroom.
Talk About It You would think that if you can have sex with your spouse, you would be able to talk about sex with your spouse. Strangely enough, that is not always the case. Talking about sex with your spouse may be very awkward, but it is a way you can make your sex life better. This allows you to discover what they like and don’t like, and vice versa. With that knowledge, you can spend your time intentionally doing things that turn them on!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Last week we gave you more things that could be damaging or even killing your sex life. Your sex life is such an important part of your marriage and should be thriving not dying.
On our last two episodes we talked about...
Distractions
Constantly shutting down your spouse
Critical Words
Body Image
Comparison
Being Too Busy
Poor Routine
Let's look at a few more things that could be hindering your sex life.
Getting Too Comfortable I love the fact that I am comfortable being myself in my marriage. That is one of the many facets of marriage. It is a place to be loved unconditionally, even the imperfect side of me that no one else sees. However, we can take comfort too far.
During the dating phase, you probably would have literally died if you farted or burped in front of the other person. You definitely didn’t let them in the bathroom while you occupied it. You didn’t go around scratching whatever itched or wearing dirty clothes. Yet, we do these very things in marriage and wonder why our spouses aren’t throwing themselves on us.
Let’s be comfortable, but not take it too far. Set back up some of the dating boundaries and you might get some of the dating attention.
Selfishness The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4
Being selfish is easy to do, it is our human nature. It is our natural response to focus on what we want or need. Unfortunately, selfishness can also be an intimacy killer. If your only goal in the bedroom is to fulfill your needs, that is not very alluring for the other person. Sex in marriage needs to be a place where both people are being satisfied.
Weaponizing Sex We saved the most dangerous sex life killer for last. Using sex as a weapon is the quickest way to kill intimacy in your marriage. Sex is a gift, not a prize. Sex should never be withheld due to bad behavior, or as a prize for good behavior. In the sanctity of marriage, sex should never be conditional. It is a privilege we get to enjoy in marriage, not earn.
Sex Life Killers Part 2
Last week we gave you three things that could be damaging or even killing your sex life. Your sex life is such an important part of your marriage and should be thriving not dying.
On our last episode we talked about...
- Distractions
- Constantly shutting down your spouse
- Critical Words
Let's look at a few more things that could be hindering your sex life.
Comparison Comparison is a relationship killer in general. It has the ability to take a person who has so much and make them believe they have nothing. Comparison always leaves you feeling less-than. Comparison can kill intimacy on multiple levels.
Pushing through this can be hard, but we were never meant to be like other people. Your spouse didn’t choose someone else. They chose and love you. Don’t let comparison steal your intimacy.
Body Image Comparison is a great segue to our next point. A lot of people simply let themselves go and do not take care of their bodies after marriage. One major sex life killer can be refusing to take care of our bodies after we get married. The pressure to “win” a spouse is off, so we get lazy and sloppy.
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY – We are not saying you have to be bone skinny or have six-pack abs for the rest of your life to be happily married. That is impossible, BUT you can take care of yourself. You can be healthy.
Being Too Busy If I had to guess, you probably have a to-do list that is a mile long. This world glorifies busyness. If you are overwhelmed, unrested, and unhealthy, clearly you are a go-getter who will be happy and successful someday.
If you are too busy to have sex, you are too busy. Prioritize your marriage and your spouse. Choose them over a to-do list. The list will be there tomorrow, and after good sex, you may be more energized to get it accomplished.
Having A Poor Routine Another sex life killer is falling into a poor routine. Always doing the same thing is boring. Spice things up. Do it in a different place, at a different time of day. If you have to schedule sex to make sure it is a priority, that is fine but be creative about everything else. It doesn’t always have to be the same old sex. Sex can be scheduled, intentional, and yet exciting. It just takes a little planning and prep.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Sex is a great thing! Most people spend the majority of their single lives trying to get as much of it as possible. But there is a problem that can happen in marriage… Once married, you can have sex all you want…but for many people and for many different reasons sex stops… join us as we talk about the things that can kill off a good sex life.
What the Word Says about Sex in Marriage
Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a prostitute? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?
Proverbs 5:18-20
Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Ways You Could Ruin Your Sex Life In Marriage 1.Having Too Many Distractions What are you doing when you and your spouse are together? Are you on your phone, watching tv, or preoccupied with something else? Distractions can take up a large portion of our day if we are not careful.
Instead of coming home and picking up the remote or your phone, maybe come home and try to “pick up” your spouse.
2.Constantly Shutting Down Your Spouse One thing that could be severely hurting your sex life is constant shutdowns. Is your spouse putting the offer on the table only to walk away rejected? Sometimes sex can’t happen for a variety of reasons, but why not take advantage of the times it can? I know you may not “feel like it”, but instead of saying no all the time, honor your spouse by saying yes. The fact that they are pursuing you shows they are attracted to you and want to be with you.
3.Using Critical Words What is the atmosphere of your home like? Is it a life-giving place where you feel safe to be yourself? Or is it a critical place where you or your spouse feel like you are walking on eggshells? What words are you predominantly speaking to each other? Are they positive or critical? If you are constantly being critical toward your spouse, they will not want to show intimacy towards you. Change your words, change your sex life.
Join us on the next episode as we will give you more things that could be damaging to your sex life!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Sex and Marriage Talking about sex can be tricky. It is easy for this topic to become awkward, silly, or even inappropriate. We don’t want that to happen here. We do however want to stress how important sex is in a marriage. Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 Amplified Version Sex is a good thing when it is kept in the marriage relationship. Sex has many purposes but one of those purposes is for the unity, commitment, and enjoyment between two people that are married. Sex is a good gift that we are to share in marriage alone. If you want your sex life to get better you will have to do something about it. Sitting down with your spouse is a great place to start. Take a moment and ask these questions. How is it going? Are you and your spouse happy with what is happening in your bedroom? Are things awesome or is there room for improvement? Is it exciting or mundane? Does it happen often or hardly ever? Do both people initiate it or is it the same person all the time? Are you trying new things or just doing the same things over and over? I know these are questions that can be hard to answer, but these are the questions that need to be addressed between a married couple. Like I said earlier some marriages end because one or both people in the relationship have unmet sexual needs. Be real with your answer. If you are not happy with your sex life right now it probably means your spouse isn’t either. Acknowledging the problem is the first step in doing something about it.
John J. Beckley once said, “Most people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.” This can be applied to every area of life. No one wakes up in the morning and plans to fail. Every marriage has dreams and goals. The problems come when we fail to make a plan to make those dreams and goals a reality. Without a plan with intentional steps, most if not all, dreams and goals will go unaccomplished, and we don’t want that to happen in your marriage.
Join us for this episode as we give you a 4 Step Marriage Plan to help accomplish your goals and dreams.
4 Steps to Create a Marriage Plan Dream Together Sit down with your spouse and dream together. Take as long as you need on this step. Some dreams come to mind instantly, but others often come with process time. Take a few days both together and separately to pray and think through what your dreams are for your marriage.
Identify Obstacles and Strategies to Overcome Them Why would we ask you to identify obstacles right after you have identified your dreams? So you can come up with strategies to overcome those obstacles. This is probably the most critical step in this process because we all have obstacles, and it is easy to get overwhelmed and give up when we come across one.
Plot Out Your Next Step Once you have your dream, and the strategy for the obstacles, plot out your next steps together. These steps will be specific actions that will need to take place to accomplish the dream, and who is responsible for those actions.
Don’t assume you and your spouse are on the same page here. Be very specific in who is responsible for what, that way both of you can walk out the steps appropriately.
Set Deadlines Now that you have the dream, and the steps to accomplish it, make it measurable. Set a deadline to have the dream accomplished, but make sure the deadline is feasible. For example, if your dream is to be debt free, but you can’t accomplish that dream in 6 months, don’t set a 6-month deadline.
Make your deadlines attainable. This will bring joy when the deadline is met, instead of frustration when it isn’t. Set yourself up for success.
Then Repeat… You may have a lot of dreams and plans for your marriage. If that is the case, don’t get overwhelmed. You can only accomplish something one thing at a time. So pick a few dreams, accomplish them, and then pick some more and repeat.
The 10 Commandments for Blended Families
In the same way Jesus summarized the law and the prophets in two great commandments, so the 10CBF can be summarized in what I call the 2 Pillars: 1. Be the adult you want your child(ren) to become. 2. Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated.
I. Communicate Well - Over communicate with all adults involved: choose a format/technology that works, and use it. When in doubt, communicate about it.
II. Always Show Respect - Be respectful, calm, and patient with everyone involved, even if you’re the only one doing it.
III. Use Discernment - Learn to choose your battles very carefully: differentiate between personal dislikes and ‘red flag’ issues.
IV. Give Way Graciously - Be willing to graciously give way on minor issues. Yes, this comes with risk, but it’s still the right thing to do sometimes.
V. Choose to Believe the Best - Choose to believe the best about the other household, and be sure to celebrate and acknowledge it when you see it
VI. Express Genuine Gratitude - Be sure to show gratitude as often as possible whenever a joint agreement is reached, even on minor matters.
VII. Model Maturity and Wisdom - Remember every day that you are the adult, and your task is to model maturity and wisdom for your children. Your task is NOT to ‘win’, get revenge, or even get your own way.
VIII. Ask for Help - Get help before a frustration becomes a full-blown crisis. Ask for 3rd-party help from a counselor, pastor, neutral friend, or someone else that all parties are comfortable with.
IX. Use Discretion - Be careful about what you say to or in front of your children or others outside your family. Work through your personal issues on your time, NOT in front of or by involving the children.
X. Be Consistent - Be as consistent as possible at both (or all) houses in all areas of life. Also remember that total consistency is impossible, even in traditional families.
Joel was educated at Covenant College, Joel Hawbaker is a former teacher and soccer coach, now working in telecom sales when he’s not speaking with or coaching blended families. He has two daughters from his first marriage, and he and his wife Maryellyn recently celebrated their tenth anniversary. They have a toddler daughter, and they are expecting their first son this October. The family lives in Alabama with their two rescue dogs, Butterscotch and Bruiser. You can find more resources about blended families at...
- social media (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and IG:) @joelwhawbaker
- website (www.stepdadding.com)
- podcast (10CBF: A Podcast for Blended Families on Apple Podcasts)
- email: joel@joelwhawbaker.com
5 Steps to Take When Making Hard Decisions Pause There are times when decisions must be made quickly, but this is not the norm. In most cases, we put unnecessary stress on ourselves and on our marriage by trying to make the decision as quickly as possible. Once you and your spouse have all the information and have had a chance to really talk about it, pause the conversation. Make an intentional decision to give yourself and your spouse some time to go through the next four steps to make a good decision.
The next three steps all work together. You go through them all simultaneously both with and without your spouse. Ponder, Process, Repeat In most situations, people spend the most time thinking about how they want to handle the situation. They are quick to dismiss anyone else’s opinion, and their spouse is no exception. However, if we are going to make a wise decision, one that will benefit our family the most, we must work together with our spouse.
Once both opinions have been communicated out, take some time to process the information. Weight your options to figure out what would be the best decision. This step can take as little or as much time as you need. The main thing here is to just make sure you have all the information to make the best decision you can.
Pray This is the most important step of all. We need to be prayerful about the decisions that we need to make. The truth is God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to be a part of the little decisions as much as He wants to be a part of the big ones.
The Word tell us in James 1:5 that if we lack wisdom we should pray and ask for it. We serve a good God who wants to give us good gifts and wisdom is definitely one of them. Praying together with your spouse is a great way to deepen your connection as husband and wife. There is something very special about hearing your spouse talk to God. It is a great reminder that they do have your best interest at heart and want to do what is right for their families.
If praying is not something that you and your spouse do often check out The Greater than 11Prayer Challenge. There are so many benefits to praying together with your spouse, and this challenge will help you become intentional about praying together every day.
Proceed The final step is acting on the decision you have made. If you take the time to really go through these steps with your spouse, you will be in a much better position to make a wise decision, even if it’s a hard one.
The best-case scenario is you and your spouse come to a full agreement through this process and you can proceed together. However, I have found that in the moments where the full agreement does not come, there is still a peace. If I know that Alex has really thought about and prayed about something, it is easier for me to trust him even if I am not in full agreement. I can do this because I fully trust he has my best interest at heart, he has spoken to the Father about it, and he would never make a decision that would intentionally hurt us.
Whether or not you come out on the same page or not, I can promise you that if you use these five steps in a positive way, they will bring you closer to each other. A trust and deepen connection will form between you and your spouse.
Bonus Tip: Try to wait and only make a hard decision after you have been able to eat and rest. This is just something Alex and I have realized in our own personal lives. We do not make the best decisions if we are tired or hungry. Once we have gotten some food and some rest, we are in a much better place to make wise decisions. In fact, we are just able to communicate better as a whole after a good meal and some rest.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Hello friends and welcome to the A Beautiful Adventure Marriage podcast. On our last episode, we gave you 6 out of 12 things that every marriage should avoid to be healthy and happy. We discussed…
- Constant Criticism and Belittling
- Being Secretive and Lying
- Silent Treatment
- Holding Grudges
- Confiding Too Much in Others
- Giving Ultimatums
These are in no order but they all are equally damaging to a relationship.
In this episode we are back for part 2. We have 6 more things that every marriage should avoid. So Alex let’s dive in…
Disrespect and Name Calling Conflict is inevitable and arguments will happen in marriage. Although these moments will happen you and your spouse can still maintain a level of composure.
One way you can show respect is by choosing your words wisely. Name-calling is detrimental to a relationship. It’s a level of disrespect that will slowly and effectively destroy a marriage.
Unfaithfulness Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4
When you say, “I do”, you are committing solely to be with one person for the rest of your life. Regardless of the uniqueness of every marriage, sleeping with someone else is wrong and will bring nothing but damage to your marriage. God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman. Marriage in itself is a ministry, but only when we honor our vows by remaining faithful to God and each other.
Putting Children/Others Before Your Spouse In Biblical order, our spouse comes before everyone but God. However, there are a lot of people who get this one out of order. So Biblical order is God, Spouse, Children, everything else. This means no one should come before your spouse except God, and that includes children, friends, and family.
This is not to say that you do not love those people well, it just means they are not your number one priority 100% of the time.
Using Sex as a Weapon Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5
Within a marriage sex is a gift. It was given to us by a good God. Because sex is so important in a marriage it should never be used as a weapon. We should avoid withholding sex from our spouses to punish them or teach them a lesson.
For the people who use this tactic, thing about this… sex is a gift that God gave us specifically for the marriage relationship. When you use it as a weapon, you are taking God’s gift and using it for evil. Nothing and I meant absolutely NOTHING will come out of manipulating someone like that.
Never Spending Time Together Marriage can be so much fun. You get to do life with your best friend. However, that particular bond cannot form if you and your spouse never spend time together. A packed schedule can be a threat to a marriage. If you have absolutely no free time to spend time with your spouse, your marriage will suffer in the long run.
Always Avoid Abuse Although some of the things mentioned are forms of abuse, we still wanted to take a moment and emphasize that all abuse is wrong. Not only should we avoid abuse, it should not be tolerated in a marriage at all.
There are so many different forms of abuse that it would be impossible to name them all. However, if you find yourself in a position where physical, verbal, or emotional abuse is present please get help. Please do not stay in a dangerous environment. That is not normal, and you do not desire that!
For sure, marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it won’t be if the things mentioned above or other abuse are happening! It may take some work to change things around, but your marriage is worth it!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
12 Things to Avoid in Marriage Every marriage is different. Everyone has their own uniqueness that they bring into their marriage that makes it special. We should be thankful for this, how boring would life be if everyone and every marriage looked the same? Being different is a gift; however, there are certain things every marriage should avoid.
As the years pass in marriage it’s easy to get passive in certain behaviors. When you are engaged and newly married you are on your best behavior, and there are certain things that you would just never do… fast forward a few years and they might start happening.
While little slips here and there may happen, we need to be vigilant about keeping those slips to a minimum for the health of our relationship. Although no one is perfect, there are certain behaviors that should just be avoided at all costs.
- Constant Criticism and Belittling
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
Criticism and belittling bring an atmosphere of negativity. Let’s be honest, no one only wants to hear what they do wrong. Another problem with constant criticism and belittling is the person goes from hearing that they are doing something wrong to hearing there is something wrong with them as a person. Criticism and belittling each other will never bring healthy change in a marriage. It will not only destroy the marriage, but it can also destroy the self-worth of the person who is constantly exposed to it.
- Being Secretive and Lying
Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 1 Peter 2:1
Secrets are dangerous in a marriage. Now, we aren’t talking about secrets around something good like a birthday or surprise. We are talking about intentionally withholding information from your spouse in a deceptive way. The problem with secrets is we usually keep them when we know we are doing something we should not be doing. Secrets can also lead to full-blown lying as well. Secrets and lying can break trust in a marriage quickly, and a marriage without trust is not a marriage that can be sustained for long.
- Silent Treatment
Just like we shouldn’t withhold information in our marriage, we should not quit talking to our spouse for extended periods. So many people use this when they are angry with each other. Although taking a break in an argument can be very beneficial, we always need to come back and find closure. Going for days or even weeks in a marriage without communicating will never bring restoration, it will only widen division in your relationship. If you need a moment, communicate that, but do not practice the silent treatment.
- Holding Grudges For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15
In marriage hurts will happen. There are no perfect people, and that is why forgiveness is so very important. When these hurts happen, we cannot hold grudges and constantly bring up the past. Being historical will never bring healing to a relationship. Some hurts are difficult to deal with, if that is the case get whatever help is necessary because grudges are not the answer.
- Confiding Too Much in Others
Having a mentor, someone you can go to for wisdom and guidance is amazing. Everyone and every marriage needs mentors. However, there is a difference between a mentor and anyone who will listen. There is also a difference between going to someone for guidance and going to someone to complain and vent. We should protect our marriages by being selective in who we confide in, especially if that person is of the opposite sex. We should never go to someone to simply complain about our marriage or share the shortcomings of our spouse. If there is a problem, figure it out with your spouse, or go together to a mentor, counselor, or pastor.
- Giving Ultimatums
An ultimatum is a final and uncompromising demand. When a person issues an ultimatum, they are saying, “I do not care what you want or think, you will do this my way or else.” Read that sentence again. Does this sound like an attitude that would create a healthy and happy marriage? Of course not! Marriage is about communication and compromise. It is two people working together as a team and finding ways to do life together in a harmonious way. Ultimatums will never bring harmony to a marriage. It will only bring manipulation and control.
So these are the first things that should be avoided at all costs in a marriage. We hope you see why these things can be so destructive and choose not to have them active in your marriage.
Yeh join us next time as we give you 6 more things that should be avoided so your marriage can be a beautiful adventure.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
SMART Goals for Your Marriage In our last podcast, we gave you 5 ways to reconstruct your marriage if it was going through a hard season. However, your marriage could be in a really good place, but there are still things you and your spouse want to accomplish. When it comes to reconstructing your marriage or just continuing to make it better, you need to have a plan.
So join us for this episode where we will teach you how to set SMART goals for your marriage.
How to Set SMART Goals And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. Habakkuk 2:2
If you are listening to us right now, my prayer is that you want to invest in your marriage and you want to set some attainable goals. With the information we have for you we believe you can set both short-term and long-term goals that you can achieve and grow your marriage.
S-Specific When you are setting your goals do not make them vague. If you do it will be hard to figure out if you have indeed accomplished them. The more specific you can be the better. That way you will know exactly what you are working toward, and you will know exactly when you achieve it.
M- Measurable By making your goal measurable it will be easier to track. You will be able to see your progress which will keep you moving forward until you achieve it. If you can’t measure your progress, you can become frustrated when it seems nothing is happening. Frustration can lead you into giving up entirely.
A-Attainable Make sure you are working toward a goal that is possible. Now that is not to say that the goal can’t be challenging. Some goals will take a lot of work to accomplish and that is perfectly fine. Great fulfillment will come when you accomplish a goal that took effort. Just be sure that regardless of the challenge that it can be attained. If you set a goal that is impossible, you are just giving the enemy a weapon to use against you.
R-Relevant and Realistic When setting goals, be honest with yourself. You know what you and your spouse are capable of in this season. Set goals that are relevant and realistic for the season that you are in. As the seasons of your life and marriage change, your capacity will change as well, but start where you are and work from there. We all have different starting lines. Find yours and set yourself up for success.
T- Time-Bound Give each goal its own deadline. Some will be short-term goals that can be checked off the list quickly. Others may take months or even years to accomplish. Give each goal a realistic time frame and then work toward that.
The Most Important Step Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3
When we take the time to set SMART goals, it will make our lives so much easier. When we have a plan it is always easier to execute it. But let’s not forget the most important step… include the Father. Pray about these goals. Asking the Lord to reveal to you what it is He wants you both to accomplish in your marriage, and also ask Him to help you as you and your spouse go through the whole process.
The Lord not only has given you goals and dreams to achieve but He wants to be a part of it all. Don’t think you have to do this on your own. He is here and wants to help you and your spouse accomplish great things.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Statistics say that couples who pray together every day lower their divorce rate to under 1%. However, only 11% of couples are praying together. For this reason, Alex and I started the Greater than 11 Prayer Challenge, where we are encouraging couples to pray together for 31 days, in hopes that this will develop habits of prayer in their marriage, thereby lowering the divorce rate, by making the number of couples praying greater than 11.
In this episode, we are going to be talking about the power of prayer in a marriage but we have a special guest for you. We will be talking to Chris and Jamie Bailey. They are marriage counselors and coaches, and they founded Expedition Marriage. Their mission is to help every marriage, regardless of what season it is in to find joy, satisfaction, connection, and restoration.
They will be sharing some of their story and experience with prayer. This one is going to be a good one. So, let’s go!
You can find Chris and Jamie at www.expeditionmarriage.org
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Hello friends, and welcome back!
So if you are listening to us right now. I am assuming you have already listened to part 1 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct a Marriage where we gave you the first two ways to get your marriage out of a hard season.
Even though there are a lot of ways you can invest in your marriage to get it out of a bad season, we believe these 5 ways work really well in the order we are presenting them, so if you haven't listened to part 1 head on over there and we will be here when you get back!
Part 2 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct Your Marrage
Repair
After you have removed the negative things in your marriage, you will likely need to repair the damage those areas caused.
The first things that will need to be repaired will probably be forgiveness and grace.
During hard seasons grace is hard to maintain, especially if forgiveness is not present. However, a marriage without grace will not succeed. It will not go the distance.
And remember, it’s ok to get help! You do not have to do this on your own.
Even after you have reestablished grace and forgiveness there may be other areas in your marriage that need more repairs than you both can handle. In these cases, don’t be ashamed to get help. If it just seems too hard, get a therapist or a pastor to help you repair your marriage.
Revive
Now is the time to start doing things that will revive your marriage. After you have taken out what has caused the problems, and you have started to repair the broken areas, it’s time to invest in your marriage in ways that will build it back up.
You can refer back to the questions you answered from the reset step about what would benefit your marriage to get started with this step.
Making investments in your marriage should be something that you do for the rest of your life. When it comes to a relationship you can never be passive and expect a good outcome. Try to find daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly ways to revive your marriage.
Rediscovery
The final step in this process is to start rediscovering your spouse Whether you have been married for days or years. There is always something new you can learn about them that you didn’t know.
There are tons of ways you can start rediscovering your spouse.
The main way is to go on dates and simply ask questions. It's amazing where an open conversation can go.
Another way to learn something new is to take a personality test. You can find out the way the Lord wired you and your spouse by taking a few tests like Meyers Briggs, the Enneagram, and the Temperaments test. We have taken all of these and have learned so much about each other.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Hello Friends,
Have you ever been in a season of marriage where nothing seems to be going your way? Does everything you do or say turns into an argument? Instead of your home being a safe place, do you find yourself walking on eggshells every day, trying to avoid conflict?
If this sound familiar, the two next episode of our podcast can help. We are going to break down 5 ways you can rescontruct your marriage.
There are seasons in marriage that may seem impossible to get through, this is true for everyone. Alex and I have gone through a few of those seasons in our own marriage. However, you and your spouse will have to work together as a team to get through it. I know this is true because that is exactly how we have gotten through our hard seasons. We decide to work together instead of fighting against each other.
Every marriage is different and you may have to do a major reconstruction on your marriage, but it’s possible to be happy again.
Step 1 in Reconstructing Your Marriage
Do a Reset
The first step in this reconstruction process will be looking at your marriage and deciding what needs to be reset.
You can start the reset process but sitting down with your spouse and going through some questions.
What’s not working in our marriage? What are we doing that guarantees an argument will happen? When\where does the conflict occur the most?
You can also ask questions during this reset process that can help you and your spouse to move forward.
Are there things we use to do, that we have stopped doing? What brought life and laughter into our marriage? Are they still happening? Is there something we could establish that we have never done before? What is something we can do on a regular basis to invest in our marriage?
These are just a few questions to get you started. The objective here is to sit down and figure out what needs to change in order to get your marriage into a healthy rhythm that will allow it to grow. Then you can move on to the next step.
Step 2 in Reconstructing Your Marriage
Remove Anything Causing Conflict
After you have looked at the areas that need a reset, now it’s time to figure out what needs to be removed from your marriage.
You can start by seeing if the following is happening in your relationship.
Criticizing and Complaining If criticism and complaining are normal in your marriage they should be the first two things that you remove. They will cause your marriage to be in a constant negative state, and nothing will change or get better in a negative atmosphere.
Another common issue in marriages are… Unrealistic or Uncommunicated Expectations These expectations will only lead to conflict because they can never be fulfilled which leads to resentment and frustration.
Do an inventory of what your expectations are, if they are unrealistic, remove them altogether. If your expectations are just uncommunicated, sit down with your spouse and talk through them.
Expectations are way more likely to be carried out if you actually communicate them to the person that needs to know them. Just like with the reset option, each marriage is different, so take an honest look at your relationship and decided together what needs to be completely removed so change can come, and then do everything you can to remove them.
Join us on our next episode as we give you the other 3 ways you can reconstruct your marriage.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
The Life-Giving Spouse Hello friends,
So as Christians we all believe that Jesus is the Son of God however not every Christian culture is exactly the same. Some of you may be very familiar with the term life-giving but there is a possibility that you haven’t heard those particular words, but you may have heard the same message it stands for. Although you will not find the term “life-giving” in the Bible, it is Biblically-based – Let’s break it down.
To be “life-giving” means to inspire and encourage others through positive words and behaviors. It’s partnering with someone through word or deed to help them accomplish a goal. It is cheering someone on instead of tearing someone down.
We see this Biblical idea multiple times in the Word of God.
Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
And let us consider and give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities, not forsaking or neglecting to assemble together [as believers], as is the habit of some people, but admonishing (warning, urging, and encouraging) one another, and all the more faithfully as you see the day approaching. – Hebrews 10:24-25
The Life-Giving Spouse The Word is clear that we are to partner with others to encourage and inspire them. I believe there is no better place to start this practice than in our marriages. We have been given a divine gift and opportunity to be the first and loudest “life-giver” to our spouses.
But where do we begin if this is not something you have heard before? Let’s start with two easy steps.
2 Ways To Be The Life-Giving Spouse Be The First Positive Voice They Hear Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. – Proverbs 18:21
So often in marriage, we are the first negative voice our spouse hears. You may not even realize you are doing this. This is something that we should be aware of, and shift from negative to positive.
This one shift can change the atmosphere of your marriage. By simply taking negativity out, you can become a life-giving spouse.
Whisper Criticism, Shout Praise The second thing you can do to become a life-giving spouse is to whisper criticism, but shout praise.
Whisper Criticism If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. – Matthew 18:15
If you find yourself at a point where you need to say something to your spouse, my first words of advice are to PRAY and then PRAY AGAIN. Yes, we are called to help others to grow according to Matthew 18, but we are not Holy Spirit Junior. Our words carry great weight with our spouses, so be sure you have prayed a lot and asked the Lord for the perfect timing and words for what needs to happen. After that, whisper the criticism.
Shout Praise Withhold no good from those to whom it is due [its rightful owners], when it is in the power of your hand to do it. – Proverbs 3:27
Here is the fun one. When your spouse has done something praiseworthy shout it from the rooftops. Call a friend, post it on Facebook, and share it with your family. Let the world know how awesome they are and how thankful you are for them.
This has a two-fold reward.
First, it builds your spouse up. When a person feels appreciated it, encourages them to continue in the right direction.
Second, it shows the world that marriage is a good idea. It shows them that you can be happy, healthy, and married.
Change Your Words, Change The World As you can see, our words have the power not only to change our marriages, but it can change the world. People are hurting and looking for hope. When you start loving your spouse well and speaking life to them the people outside of your marriage will notice as well.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
The No Complaining Rule Complaining is soomething everyone on the planet does. Although everyone may be doing it, this is something that can impact you, your marriage, and the people around you in a very negative way.
The Problem With Complaining And at a glance, complaining appears harmless– it’s just a way to vent.
However, complaining can do alot of damage.
It makes you constantly aware of the negative. That, in turn, affects your mind and emotions which not only changes you personally, but professionally as well. It doesn’t stop there. It can then affect your immune system, which could lead to health problems. If that wasn’t enough negativity and complaining are contagious. Other people catch “the bug” and the cycle begins in their lives as well.
Complaining In Marriage Then, there is your marriage. It is the one thing that probably suffers the most. Your spouse probably gets the majority of the complaining and negativity. Even if it is not geared at them directly, they will be affected by it.
The No Complaining Rule If complaining is a problem for you, we recommend Jon Gordon's book, "The No Complaining Rule." We are going to break down some of his steps below but it is a fantastic book.
The No Complaining Rule is pretty simple – you don’t complain. But as I am sure you already know, just because something is simple, does not make it easy to do.
Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak]. – Ephesians 4:29
But again, knowing something and doing it are two very different things. Luckily Jon breaks down this rule in 3 steps that are easy to follow.
The “But, [Positive]” Technique Complaining always starts with a negative thought. If we can change our thoughts, we can change the way we speak. When a negative thought pops into your head, add “BUT,” then change it to a positive. For example:
- My spouse never helps me around the house BUT they are a hard worker and they provide for our family
- My spouse is always distracted BUT they are taking care of the children and managing our house well
These negative thoughts may be the truth, but by adding the positive thought, we can appreciate our spouses for their good qualities. Instead of just complaining about the bad, we can be proactive in building up our spouse like Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to do.
Focus On The “Get To” Instead Of The “Have To” How many times a day have we used the phrase “I have to…?”
“I have to go to work today. I have to go get groceries. I have to clean the house.”
By changing the phrase “I have to” into “I get to” changes our perspective from negative to positive.
So some examples of this would be…
- I get to go to work today, and I am thankful to have a job that supports me and my family
- I get to go buy groceries today and I am thankful we will have food on the table
- I get to clean this house and I am thankful for a safe and welcoming place that I can call mine
Turn Complaints Into Solutions Not all complaining is bad. There are always things that genuinely need changing and that is especially true in marriage. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. You and your spouse grow as the years go by, but how do we use complaining in a positive way?
Jon Gordon calls positive complaining “justified complaining.” This type of complaining identifies a problem, but only to help provide an opportunity to move in the direction of a solution.
Justified complaining says, “Yes, we have a problem, now how can we fix it?” – it’s proactive.
Bonus tip! Make it fun!
Will you mess up and complain? Sure. But hold each other accountable and find ways to make it fun.
Include your children and make it a game.
Celebrate when someone makes it to the end of the day with complaining.
By making this a family activity everyone benefits and it will change the culture of your family.
Like marriage, following this rule is a journey, not a destination. Make the journey enjoyable!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Jon Gordon | Bestselling Author and Keynote Speaker
Correcting Comparison On our last podcast, we talked about the dangers of comparing ourselves and our marriages to others. We explained that comparison never comes alone. It brings discontentment, resentment, and dishonesty with it. When all of these things are operating in our marriages, conflict, and dysfunction will happen, or at the very least it will be an extremely unhappy relationship. So although comparison seems harmless, it’s not.
Let’s look at ways we can correct comparisons in our lives and our marriage.
Correcting Comparison The first thing we need to do when it comes to comparison is to take inventory. Take a week or so and really observe your behaviors. When and where do you see comparison happening the most? For most of us, it is on social media but there can be other places as well. Once you have identified the times you are most susceptible, it is time to remove those triggers, and we can do that in several ways.
Removing Triggers * The first way is to hit the Unfollow Button
If there is a certain person(s)/account you are constantly comparing yourself to online it is time to hit the unfollow button. You may not want to unfollow these people but if you are walking away from their feed feeling like you or your marriage does not measure up, unfollowing them is the healthiest thing you can do.
- Choose Your Friends Wisely
Let’s go a step further in this removal process. Do you have “friends” that you are constantly comparing yourself or your marriage to? Do you have “friends” who like to make their life seem absolutely fantastic while making you feel insignificant?I emphasize the word “friends” because if you have this type of person in your life they are NOT your friend.
- Take a full own Social Media Fast
Perhaps unfollowing a few people is all you need to do, if so that’s great. But for some of us, a full-on fast may be in order. To really stop comparing ourselves to others we may need to take a break from social media altogether for a while.
Remember we all have different triggers we just touched on a few. The goal here is to remove as many of them as possible, in order to focus on you and your marriage.
So, take a few days and really take inventory. Your trigger may not be listed above but if something or someone is affecting you or your marriage negatively it is time to remove it.
Find Your Strengths Once we have removed the triggers that have been stealing our joy, it is time to start replenishing our joy. Let’s look at a few ways we can do that.
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Do Some Evaluation by Asking Questions
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What are you good at?
- What are areas you love about yourself/your spouse? Physical, Spiritual, Emotional.
- What is your spouse good at?
- Is there something unique about your marriage?
- What do you love about your spouse and marriage?
When we find the answers to these questions we are finding the good about ourselves and our marriages. When we see the good it brings joy.
Psalm 139 makes it plain that we were created good!
I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.
Speak Gratitude Our final tip for correcting comparison is very simple. Once you have spotted your and your spouse’s strengths, the things you are both good at. Start showing gratitude.
- Be proud of yourself when you accomplish something you have been working toward.
- Brag on your spouse when you see them walking in their strength. Be a person that just speaks life over your spouse daily! You will be surprised what consistent affirmation can do for a person!
- Celebrate the wins when you handle something well that used to be a struggle.
There is nothing wrong with spotting the good and speaking up about it.
A Life Without Comparison is Possible Comparison is easy to do, but nothing good will come of it. We will be left with discontentment and jealousy if we allow comparison to be a part of our lives. Above are just three steps you can take to correct comparison and start replenishing the joy in your life and marriage, but there are other ways to correct this as well.
So find what works for you and make the changes that you need to make to bring joy back to you and your marriage. Remember God made you and your marriage unique! Find that and embrace it!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
The Dangers of Comparison Comparison is something we have all found ourselves doing from time to time, especially in a social media world. With just a few clicks you are bombarded with the absolute best of everyone’s seemingly perfect lives. We see “perfect” marriages, jobs, kids, spouses, and vacations, and it is easy to compare our lives to the lives of others and feel like we don’t add up in some way.
On this episode, we will break down the dangers of comparison and the problems it can bring to your marriage.
The Problems with Comparison There are several problems with comparison let’s start with the fact that it is not an accurate measurement. I love what Dave Barringer has to say about it.
Comparison takes our deficiencies and measures them against someone else’s highlight reel.
~ Dave Barringer author of The Danger of Comparison in Marriage
There is no way you can accurately compare yourself to someone or someone’s marriage because you can not and will not ever see the whole picture of what is going on.
Another issue with comparison is it does not factor in our uniqueness. God created us and our spouses with special gifts and abilities… on purpose. He wants us to be original not a remix of someone else He made.
The Dangers of Comparison God created each of us with a specific race to run. He gave us the gifts and abilities that we need to finish our race strong. The same is true with our spouses. When we come together as husband and wife we become one. We become the only couple just like us, and that is a beautiful thing.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us Hebrews 12:1
The danger comes because comparison does not travel alone. Comparison likes to bring his 3 friends to the party.
Discontentment When we measure our “real” marriage against the picture-perfect marriage of others it is easy to believe that we fall short. We then start viewing everything about our marriage through the lens of discontentment.
Resentment Once discontentment sets in resentment is soon to follow. We resent our spouses for not being like the perfect spouses we see all around us. We start making passive-aggressive comments, or straight-out blunt comments about how we wish they were like so and so.
Deception Finally, if this discontentment and resentment are not taken care of people reach out to others. We start lying about who with are with or who we are talking to. Situations like this are how affairs and divorces happen.
In our next podcast, we are going to talk about ways to stop comparing ourselves and our marriages to others.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
6 Ways We Keep Our Love Alive
Being married and being happily married are two very different things. There are tons of couples out there who have not gotten a divorce, and may never intend to, but their love died a long time ago. You can see it in their faces and hear it in their words. The passion is gone. They are married but their love has been snuffed out by the demands of life. Love that was once alive and thriving is now seemingly dead. So, on this episode we want to share some ways that Alex and I intentional keep our love alive, in hopes, that you can create your own list and not become the couple I described at the beginning of this episode.
Investing in Your Marriage
Investing in your marriage does not have to be expensive or time-consuming, but it does need to be consistent. Regardless of the way you chose to invest in your marriage it needs to happen on a regular basis.
Alex’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive
Pulling each other to the Father Putting God at the center of your marriage is crucial for a healthy and thriving relationship.
Communication Communication is vitally important to a marriage.
Nudity Sex is one of the ways you get to experience intimacy in your marriage. By sharing your body with your spouse regularly you keep that intimacy alive in your relationship.
Tara’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive
Friendship Alex and I are best friends. We truly love spending time together and just hanging out.
Over-Communication We mentioned communication above, and I honestly can’t overstate how important communication is to a marriage.
We Prioritize Each Other With the exception of Jesus, we are number one in each others lives. This means if one of us need each other, everything else gets put on pause. We don’t disregard our responsibilities, but we prioritize our best yes in those moments- which is each other.
Now It’s Your Turn
We challenge you to do the same thing we did. Go to your spouse and ask them this question.
“What three things do we do that have kept our love alive?”
If your marriage is in a hard season you could ask?
What three things should we start doing to revive our love?”
Give each other some time to process through the list, and then come back and share your answers with each other. Through this exercise you will learn what is working or what would work. You will find out what is important to your spouse. Then you get to go
Your love can be alive and thriving or it can be revived and start to grow again. It just takes some intentionally and consistently.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
On our last podcast, we talked about Boundaries in Marriage. We broke down several definitions of boundaries and concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in multiple ways and in multiple areas.
However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage for multiple reason. Join us on this episode as we share how to set boundaries in two easy steps.
Biblical Order
Have you ever heard of Biblical order? There is a high possibility that this may be new to you because this is not taught a lot. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the Biblically model this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.
Some people have issues with the order of this list, but we assure you two things.
First, this is Biblical based, and you can find scripture to back this up.
Secondly, if you get your relationships in this order of importance by establishing boundaries to protect it, you will find an abundance you didn’t think would be possible. Everyone you come in contact with should get the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth of you, and that includes close relationships.
Getting your life in spiritual order and then establishing boundaries to maintain that order will help you to be good to everyone but save your depth for those the important people and situations in your life.
Setting Healthy Boundaries Step 1: Discuss the “What” and the “Why” To begin with, you and your spouse will have to sit down and have a conversation about the “what and why”. What boundaries do we want set? Why we think they need to be set?
This is an especially critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.
I know that is definitely true for us. Alex and I both do better if we know the why behind something.
So let's look at some examples with the list we shared in out previous podcast.
- In-Laws and other Family Members
- What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members?
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Why? Because being objective is hard for family members and they may not forgive or forget.
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Communication
- What? We will not name-call or be demeaning to one another, especially during heated conversations.
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Why? Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.
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Money
- What? We will discuss all purchases over X amount prior to making them.
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Why? Because we both need to be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.
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Friends and Work Relationship
- What? Because we spend a great deal of time with these people these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any and all communication that is made after hours.
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Why? Because affairs don’t start by accident, protecting our marriage is our top priority not work.
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Personal
- What? At least once a month we will do something that brings life to us as an individual.
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Why? Maintaining close relationships or making time for hobbies is important.
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Intimacy
- What? We will stay faithful and only have an intimate relationship with each other.
- Why? Our marriage is a covenant, and our vows should be honored.
Step 2: Don’t Apologize to Anyone for these Boundaries. Once you and your spouse are on the same page. Don’t negotiate, compromise for, or apologize for anyone. There will be people both in your family and in your friend group that do not understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries in place. They don’t have too! They don’t have to understand or agree.
If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it is helping your marriage that’s all that matters.
Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
Hello friends and welcome to the latest episode of the A Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast. So in this episode, we are talking about “boundaries”. Which can be a pretty hard topic to talk about with people because some people love them, some people hate them, while others just don't really care.
Boundaries in marriage can be difficult because typically someone who loves boundaries will marry someone who doesn’t. Proving the old saying, “opposites attract” is true.
So, in order to help you and your marriage, and possibly prevent issues from causing conflict with your spouse, let’s start by finding out what boundaries really are and see if we can correct any misconceptions.
What are Bondaries?
If you look up the word “boundary” you will find that it is defined as a line that marks the limit of an area. There are lines that are set and marked well so others will not cross them.
Although that is a great definition of boundaries, as I was researching for this episode, I found a lot of good definitions for this controversial word. I wanted to share a few of them here.
A boundary in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner. Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person’s core values, beliefs, and reflects what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.
~April Eldemire
A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
~Henry Cloud
You can even find boundaries in God's Word.
Adonai is my portion and my cup. You cast my lot. My boundary lines fall in pleasant places —surely my heritage is beautiful. Psalm 16:5-6
Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries are especially necessary in a marriage. For a marriage to be healthy there are several areas where healthy boundaries can be put into place. Because like April Eldemire said above boundaries define what your limits are, what your core beliefs are, and what you need to feel safe and secure.
A few areas where you may want to consider boundaries are-
- In-Laws and other Family Members (Genesis 2:24)- the Bible tells us to “leave and cleave” and that means our spouse and marriage needs to come first. That includes any family relationship. Can you still honor and spend time with your family? Of course, but they need to be in a proper and healthy position in your life.
- Communication (Ephesians 4:29)- There needs to be boundaries in the way you talk to and about your spouse, whether that be in an argument or normal conversation. We have “Battle Boundaries” in place in our marriage, but we also have boundaries set up for everyday conversations. You can find how we set up the “Battle Boundaries,” by reading our blog, “Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition“.
- Money (Hebrews 13:5) – money is the number one source of conflict in a marriage. Setting boundaries can put you and your spouse on the same page with your finances which can bring a great deal of peace into your relationship.
- Friends and Work Relationship (Proverbs 4:23)- There are some people that we will spend a lot of time with, without our spouse being present. Boundaries should be in place there to protect your heart and your most important relationship.
- Personal (Psalm 139:14) – Although we are one in marriage, we can still be unique. It’s easy to want to change things about your spouse so boundaries can be put into place to safeguard that from happening.
- Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)-Sex and intimacy is a vital part of any marriage. It is important to have conversations about this aspect of marriage and set boundaries that work for both husband and wife.
On our next podcast, we are going to break down the areas in marriage where boundaries can be set and show you ways to get them set up and implemented. So if this is an area that needs improvement in your marriage don’t miss our next episode dropping on the 19th!
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/boundaries-in-marriage/
Spiritual intimacy is so important in a marriage, and one of the ways you can develop spiritual intimacy and make it strong is by praying together. Although we are firm believers in prayer, we also get that prayer is not always easy, even in a relationship where both of you pray individually. It will be something you will have to intentionally work at, but the benefits of it will be worth the work.
Recent studies have shown that while 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages.
This study shows that by simply praying together on a regular basis you can virtually divorce-proof your marriage. We have attended a marriage class earlier this year. The teacher shared this same statistic but added that if you hold hands with your spouse while praying it lowers that 1% divorce rate even more.
With this new information about the importance and power of prayer, we wanted to share 3 tips that help us to divorce-proof our own marriage by getting our prayer time established and maintained.
Three Tips to Established Prayer in Your Marriage
Tip #1- Push Through the Awkward
Take Away #1 – Even if it feels awkward at first, keep at it. The more you pray together the more comfortable you will become.
Tip #2- Find a Rhythm that Works for You Away #2 – Find the best rhythm for you and your spouse. Don’t give up if the first few attempts don’t work. Try need places and times until you find what works best for you. Tip #3- Be Intentional Take Away #3 – Being super intentional in the beginning will help you form a habit that happens every day.
Bonus Tip: Give Yourself and Your Spouse Grace and Never Give Up https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/prayer-and-your-marriage/
Spiritual Intimacy
When it comes to marriage you hear the word, intimacy, a lot. Although our minds tend to only think about physical intimacy between a husband and a wife, there is another area in which we can become intimate with each other. Spiritual intimacy is something that is not talked about a lot, but it’s something that can take your marriage to a level you never dreamed possible.
Spiritual intimacy is the act of revealing your deepest core values, passions, and beliefs with your spouse and allowing them to do the same.
There are countless studies that show the importance of this kind of intimacy and connection, but in very basic terms, spiritual intimacy is the glue that will bond you and your spouse together in the good times when things are going well and especially in the bad times that try to take you down.
Ways to Develop Your Spiritual Intimacy in Your Marriage
A few months before we went on Sabbatical, Tara started reading the book “A Time to Advance” by Chuck Pierce. It’s all about the Jewish calendar, the twelve tribes of Israel, and the early church. It kept referencing another book by Robert Heidler called, “The Messianic Churching Arising,” which is on the same topic.
As we learned about the early church and the Jewish calendar, Alex and I committed to structuring our lives more closely to the Lord’s design, and in the process grew closer together spiritually. Here’s what we have started doing.
Weekly Sabbaths Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Exodus 20:8
Saturday Morning Reading All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:16-17
We use the Tree of Life Bible App. It gives you weekly readings that allow you to read the entire Bible through.
Daily Prayer Time Do not be anxious about anything—but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
Philippians 4:6
Intentional and Strategic Giving Let each one give as he has decided in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion—for God loves a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7
Find Your Own Rhythm Spiritual intimacy takes time to build but it’s worth the time you invest in it. You may not be able to do all the things all at once. Tara and I started small and built up as we went. We are still adding and adjusting things to make it unique and life-giving to our marriage. We encourage you to do the same.
If you have any questions about the resources we linked or more detail on how we walk this out, please send us a message on our website or any of our social media sites. We would love to share this journey with you.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Travel Tips from the Payne’s Tip 1: Research the Area The first step on any adventure is picking your destination. Once you have done that the real work (and fun) begins. It is time to research the area to see what it has to offer. Alex is fantastic at this. We have traveled all over the lower 48. We always pack in as much as we can during our vacation time. The reason we are able to do so much is because Alex researches the area and knows where to find the things we wanted to see.
Tip 2: Set Non-Negotiables Like I said above, we are not always able to hit every single thing we want to see and do, because of that, we have learned to set non-negotiables. These are things that take priority. They have to happen.
Now disclaimer- you have to fully and clearly communicate the non-negotiables- don’t just assume your spouse knows.
And this is something you can do as a family, but it is also something that you can do if you travel with friends. Everyone can be apart of setting the non-negotiables. You can also do this for the same trips as well.
Tip 3: Do something JUST BECAUSE A plan is great, but don’t forget to do something just because you want to. Maybe a random thought pops in your head while you are on vacation. Go for it. Sometimes the best memories come from a random thought or coming up on something you did not know was there.
The JUST BECAUSE moments are great and make for some really good stories.
Tip 4: Take Some Friends with You Alex and I have vacationed alone and we have vacationed with friends! We enjoy both and encourage you to do both as well.
Our only really encouragement here is to be very selective about who you travel with. It can be the difference between a beautiful adventure or a complete disaster. You want to make sure that you travel with like minded people or it will be hard to have an enjoyable time.
Tip 5: Be Prepared for Detours Just like in life, sometimes you have to take a detour on vacations. We cannot always anticipate everything that can knock us off course. During those moments of detours, we need to either prepared or have the tools to help us manage the detour.
Tip 6: Invite the Father Along Before we leave on a trip we always pray the same prayer.
“Abba, meet us there. Show us wild and beautiful things and speak to us in ways that only we will understand.”
It’s such a short little prayer but we have experienced SO MUCH because of it. When you invite God into anything He comes and brings awesome things with Him.
What Works for Travel Works for Marriage These are just a few things Alex and I do to ensure that we will have a great vacation. The great news is- what works for travel works for marriage. You can take these travel tips, apply them to your relationship, and in time your marriage can be the most beautiful adventure you have ever been on.
Travel Tips from the Payne's - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Summer is officially here. Although this is a great time to spend with your family, it can also be a time that cause strain on your marriage. With the kids out of school, and fun to be had by all, it’s easy to fill your calendar to the absolute max. If you aren’t careful your marriage can feel the effects of this. It can come to the point where you and your spouse are like two ships that pass in the night. That weakens connection.
Here at A Beautiful Adventure Marriage, we are all about adventure and fun, but not at the expense of your relationship. Join us on this podcast as we look at 5 ways to have fun this summer, enjoy your kids, but still keep your connection as husband and wife.
5 Ways for Your Marriage to Thrive this Summer Don’t over-commit yourself or your family Sit down and have a discussion as husband and wife to figure out what your capacity is this summer.
After you and your spouse have the chance to sit down together, then include the kids. Another way you can keep your calendar free is to limit the number of activities per week.
*Its Ok to Tell Your Kids… No*
**Honestly, kids need to see what a good marriage is more than they need to do every single activity that comes up.****
Schedule Regular Date Nights
Dating is one of the best ways to keep connection and intimacy alive in your marriage. Share in each Other’s Interest and Hobbies.
*I believe everyone has more fun when they know they will get a turn to choose what is done.*
**Have Weekly Check Ins****
You and your spouse will have to work together as a team for this to be successful. Have Fun this Summer By the time fall gets here, you don’t want to be exhausted with little to show for it. Doing everything we mentioned above may take a little work on the front end, but this work will help you and your family to have an amazing summer.
Our prayer is that you and your family will end summer closer than when you went into it.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Culture. This may or may not be a word that you are familiar with, especially in your marriage. Honestly, this was not a word used a lot in our household until the last few years; however, by being intentional about creating a healthy marriage culture, our relationship has thrived.
Four Ways to Co-Create the Marriage Culture You Want? A healthy culture does not happen organically. Effort and intentionality are the key ingredients when creating your culture. Alex made it clear that if we don’t create our culture it will become what we tolerate. It’s what we allow to happen in our marriage. We can be passive and allow anything and everything into our marriages, or we can be intentional and co-create a culture conducive to health, growth, and happiness.
Start with a Family Meeting One person cannot create the culture in your marriage. When one person comes in and starts throwing all kinds of rules at people, they will rebel against them. Make this a family activity. By doing this together, you will find out what is important to everyone. If everyone is on board it will make things a lot easier.
Co-Create Rituals As a family talk through some things that will be expected on a regular basis. These should be clear and simple things, to begin with.
Co-create values, mission, and purpose for your marriage How do we create values, mission, and purpose? You have to start by finding out what is important to you and your family. You can do this by asking yourself and your family these questions.
What do you want people to say about your marriage and family? * Do you want your marriage to be known for its kindness? * Would you like your children to be known for how respectful they are to others? * Do you want your family to be mission-minded and active in the community?
There are so many more questions that could be asked here, but use these as a starting point. After you have used these questions to get some values and purpose in place. Ask yourself one more question.
Co-create a Culture Board Then the Lord answered me and said, “Write the vision and engrave it plainly on [clay] tablets so that the one who reads it will run. Habakkuk 2:2
So find a way to keep it visible to everyone. Write it out and put it on the refrigerator. Get creative as a family and create a culture board. Design a family seal that reminds you who you are. Whatever it takes to make it plain so everyone can help create it, and walk it out.
The goal is to get everyone on the same page so your culture can thrive and so can your marriage and family.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
We live in a technology driven society. Wherever you go, and anywhere you look you can find some form of technology. Although technology has brought us a ton of conveniences it has the power to destroy something that is far more precious, your intimacy and connection with your spouse and family.
Statistics Don’t Lie So we recently when to a marriage conference where Jimmy Evans was speaking. He is the founder of XO Marriage, a ministry that exists to help couples have a healthy and strong marriage. He talked a lot about technology and the impact it can have on your marriage as a whole. Here is a little of what he shared with us.
- 1/3 of all affairs start online.
- Facebook causes 25% of arguments that take place in a week’s period.
- 1 in 7 couples consider divorce because of the social media habits of their spouse.
And here are the ones that left us speechless…
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10% of people will stop having sex to check their phone if it goes off.
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35% of people check their phones as soon as they are finished having sex.
Our Take Away
The majority of people, when given the opportunity, will choose technology (especially their phones) over actual human interaction and connection.
Ways to Regain Intimacy and Connection Intimacy Requires Privacy Goal #1- Set aside some time every day that is technology free.
Intimacy Requires Living Human Contact Goal #2- Be intentional about holding your spouse instead of your phone.
Intimacy Requires Protection Goal #3- Set boundaries that will protect your marriage.
Intimacy Requires Rest Goal #4- Find some time each week to rest and recharge.
For information check out our blog -
Technology and Your Marriage - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
For the month of May, we have focused on communication. We have broken down communication and explained that it should be clear, calm, current, and constructive. Then we talked about how you could implement constructive communication in a Biblical and practical way.
We are wrapping this month up by talking about a form of communication that absolutely changes our marriage for the better.
What Does It Mean to Over-Communicate? Over-Communication means you use as many literal words as necessary to express an expectation, a need, or a want. In other words, over-communicate assumes nothing but communicates everything.
4 Ways to Over-Communicate with Your Spouse Flat-out state what you want/need. Your spouse cannot read your mind. It is unfair to get upset over uncommunicated expectations or desires.
Repeat back what you heard. When you and your spouse are having an important conversation it’s always a good idea to repeat back what you think they are trying to communicate. When you start practicing this you may be surprised how often you hear something completely different than what your spouse is trying to say.
Ask clarifying questions. If you are having a hard time understanding each other start asking clarifying questions. Get as many details as possible, do not just assume you have an understanding of the point.
Once a decision is made, restate the decision in your own words as well as the plan (if applicable) you both agree to execute. This is one of the most important steps in this process. Do not leave the conversation without making sure you know the plan but also know what the next step is.
Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
On our last podcast, we talked about the breakdown in communication. We talked about how communication needs to be clear, calm, current, and constructive.
On this episode, let’s break down what constructive communication is, why it’s important, and how we can use certain tools to help us communicate in a more constructive way. We are also going to give you Biblical and practical ways to apply it to your relationships in hopes that these tools will help you to build the marriage you and your spouse want to have.
Tools for Constructive Communication Tool One: Compromise A compromise is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
To compromise both people must be willing to make changes to move forward and accomplish whatever the task may be. No one person completely gets his or her way.
For compromise to happen both people must realize a few things. * There is more than one way to accomplish the goal. * Your way is not the only way. * Your way may not even be the best option.
Tool Two: Capitulation Capitulation is the action of surrendering or ceasing to resist an opponent or demand:
So, capitulation is the opposite of compromise. When we use the tool of capitulation one person does get their way.
For capitulation to happen both people must realize a few things. * It’s not about winning or losing but about maintaining unity while accomplishing the goal. * Your spouse’s way may be the best option. * You can’t be bitter if your way is not chosen.
Tool Three: Agree to Disagree Agreeing to disagree happens when the goal can be accomplished without the couple necessarily being in 100% agreement. There are times in your marriage where one way needs to be chosen. However, this is not the case all the time. In some situations, you can work individually and still accomplish the same goal. In these moments, you can agree to disagree and still move forward.
If you are going to practice “agree to disagree” both people must realize a few things. * You don’t have to pick just one way to do something with every situation. * You don’t have to accomplish every goal 100% together. * You can divide and conquer but if you divide the task up, don’t get hung up on how your spouse does their part.
Biblical Application- We get into the Word, and we become more like Christ. When we spend time in His Word, we will start to take on His unselfish love and concern for others, and using these constructive tools will come more naturally.
Practical Application-
Let the other person talk- we will never be able to move forward as a team if we don’t let the other person communicate their opinions and ideas.
Listen with the goal of understanding not responding- Really listen to what the other person is saying and genuinely consider their ideas. Don’t be formulating your response while they are talking.
Ask clarifying questions to further the conversation- this is the time to ask all the questions you need to in order to understand your spouse’s point of view and ideas
Stay humble- at the end of the day you win or lose as a team. Regardless of how the decision falls you and your spouse need to have a humble spirit.
Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Communication Breakdowns and Misunderstandings! Lack of Communication or the Silent Treatment!
If you ask any couple to name one thing they struggle with the most in their marriage, they would probably say something about communication. Communication between any two people can be difficult, but in marriage lack of communication or communication breakdowns can bring a lot of unnecessary harm.
Join us for this episode as we give you the breakdown on how to communicate effectively with your spouse.
To be effective communication must be...
Clear-
This means it must make sense, not only to us, but to our spouse as well. We don’t need to intentionally speak in a way that is confusing to our spouse. They shouldn’t have to decipher our words like some kind of code to “hopefully” figure out what we are trying to say.
Calm-
We learned that only 7% of the message another person receives comes from our actual words. The rest of the message comes from 55% body language, and 38% tone. This shows us that staying calm and in control of our body language and tone are very important. Staying calm in a situation will always improve communication. But we all know when tempers flare it’s easy to say and do things we regret later.
Current-
This means we need to communicate with our spouses every day. There does not need to be long stretches of time when we aren’t speaking to our spouse. This also means the communication we do have needs to be up to date, and frequent. We don’t need to leave anything to assumptions.
Now you can break “current” down two ways in your daily life:
- Communicating any changes that happen.
- Not being historical, especially during a conflict.
Constructive-
When you have a situation where you do not agree, it can cause a lot of stress, especially if this decision will impact your future. Yelling and screaming and being downright belligerent will in no way make your communication or your marriage better. If you are not emphatic, it can cause your spouse to feel like you do not value them or their opinion, which can lead to more issues down the road.
On our next podcast we are going to bring down how you can constructively communicate with your spouse.
The Break Down on Communication - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
The Power of Consistent Behavior
How would you like to be “the” couple?
You probably know the couple I am talking about but if not, let me introduce you to them.
This couple seems genuinely happy and optimistic about their life and marriage. They speak kindly to each other and about each other. Regardless of how long they have been together or what season they are going through; their marriage relationship is thriving. Although they have seasons of hardship and struggle you never really see it. They respect each other in public, and they don't air their dirty laundry on social media.
There is just something about this couple. Everyone enjoys being with them and wants to know what their secret is.
There really isn't a secret. You can become "the" couple by practicing consistent behavior.
What is consistent behavior?
Consistent behavior means you do the same things in the same way over a long period of time.
· By making good consistent decisions, you prove that you are trustworthy and dependable.
· When you make good consistent decision in your relationship, you are showing you value the wellbeing of not only yourself but the other person.
Matthew 5:37 gives us a great formula for consistent behavior.
All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
Biblical application-
· Let your yes be yes - if you say you are going to do something, do it. Big or small (the little things add up)
· Let your no be no - if you can't do something, be honest about it.
· Communicate often - if things change, communicate the changes to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Check out the podcast for the ways you can practically apply this in your life.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
Unpacking Emotional Baggage
Emotional baggage, unfortunately, we all have it! Although some of us have never gone through an extremely traumatic experience, we have all been wounded in some way in our past. Even though we can learn a great deal from our past, sometimes there are certain experiences that impact our future in an ongoing negative way. If we don’t deal with the emotional baggage from our past, it can weigh us down. It can negatively influence our decisions and actions, which can be detrimental to our relationships, especially our marriage.
Join us today as we talk about ways to unpack emotional baggage so it can no longer affect you or your marriage in a negative way.
Ways to Unpack Your Emotional Baggage
Identify the Problems
The first step in unpacking the emotional baggage that is negatively impacting your relationship is to identify what the problem areas are. This part of the process may take months, or possibly years, depending on the severity of both your and your spouse’s past experiences. The important thing here is to handle one issue at a time.
Acknowledge and Communicate the Emotion
As you are going through your emotional baggage piece by piece, you will experience emotions that are linked to whatever issue you are dealing with. Acknowledge and communicate those emotions. That’s the only true way that you can process and heal. It’s also the only way your spouse will truly know what is going on, and how to help.
Make Special Accommodations
Now that you have identified some problem areas, and have started communicating those issues and your emotions to your spouse, you can establish a plan of action.
This may mean that you and your spouse do and say things differently than other couples around you. You may discover that what is ok for others, may not be ok for your relationship, but here’s the truth about that.
Your marriage and your spouse are worth whatever changes need to be made.
Go to Therapy
There are some issues that are easily handled at home. However, some issues can be deeply rooted. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that you need help dealing with it. If you find yourself in a situation where your emotional baggage is simply too overwhelming for you and your spouse to handle alone, get help.
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/our-podcast/
With our last podcast, we went back to the basics. We looked up Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and went through some ways we could apply patience and kindness to our marriages. This week we are talking about what loves isn’t and certain rules we can put in place to help us love our spouse well even during conflict.
We know what love is, now let’s look at what love isn’t.
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not brag, it is not puffed up, it does not behave inappropriately, it does not seek its own way, it is not provoked, it keeps no account of wrong, it does not rejoice over injustice but rejoices in the truth; it bears all things, it believes all, it hopes all things, it endures all things. Love never fails— 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is not rude or harsh. So how can we have conflict with our spouse but still love them well?
We establish Rules of Engagement for our marriages.
- Create a Delete List- words you will not say during conflict.
- Create Battle Boundaries- a list of rules you should follow during an argument. Warfare has rules. Why should our marriage be any different?
- Dig up the land mines- forgive your spouse for past hurts, and start looking for the good in them
If you make rules in times of peace, they will be easier to follow in
times of struggle. ~Alex Payne
Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Today we are going back to the basics by looking at 1 Corinthians 13, and learning what the Bible tells us about love.
So what is love?
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not brag, it is not puffed up, it does not behave inappropriately, it does not seek its own way, it is not provoked, it keeps no account of wrong, it does not rejoice over injustice but rejoices in the truth; it bears all things, it believes all, it hopes all things, it endures all things. Love never fails— 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
As you go about your day and you come in contact with your spouse, pause.
Pause before you speak or act, think about what you are about to do and ask yourself these two questions.
- Am I being patient with my spouse?
- Am I being kind to my spouse?
Are your actions and words kind or mean? Is the tone of your voice soft or harsh?
Once you have the answers to these questions you have a choice to make. If you are being patient and kind great! Respond to your spouse. However, if you see that what you are about to do or say is not patient and kind, change your response.
Back to Basics with 2 Questions - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
What if I told you, you are like the genie from Aladdin.That you have phenomenal cosmic power that could change not only your life but your marriage! Would you believe me? What if I added that the Bible backs me up on this claim? Still no?
Listen to this episode as we break down how you have the power to change your marriage when you change your words.
Five Ways to Change Your Words
- Stop speaking negatively over yourself, your spouse, and your life
- Communicate what your expectations are for your relationship.
- Pray with your spouse
- Pray for your spouse
- Use your words to convince yourself and your spouse daily that you really do love each other
Pray Model- from Tony Evan's Book "Kingdom Marriage"
Thank you for giving me _____ as my husband/wife. I pray that You will be clearly displayed in _____ life. Help _____ to grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy every day. Surround _____ with godly relationships and clearly reveal Your purpose for him. Give _____ a desire to steward our family resources well and also to lead, learn, and love you. Help _____ to love you with all of their heart, soul, and mind.
Do all the same for me, Lord. Help me to have a gentle spirit toward_____. Help us to follow Your leadership in our lives. Help us to be best friends, lovers, adventurers, prayer warriors, and devoted followers of You. Reveal to us anything that can be improved in our marriage and give us the desire and determination to improve it. Pour passion and spontaneity in our sex life. Help us to always turn to each other and not someone else. Put a hedge of protection around our marriage and guard us against any attack from the enemy. Help us to seek You first and love each other well. Amen
For more resources check out our website- www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
What comes to mind when you think about passionately pursuing your spouse? Do you think about a dozen roses or a fancy candle light dinner? Maybe you think of a steamy shower together or a night of wild and amazing sex. Perhaps passionately pursuing your spouse means doing special things for them or simply spending quality time with them. The truth is all of these are great ways to passionately pursue your spouse
On this episode we will be discuss 2 things we learned about passionate pursuit from a very unlikely source.
- You have to pursue Jesus first.
Luke 10:27 Amplified Version
And he replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.
- There are multiple ways to be passionate in pursuing your spouse.
For more marriage resources check out our website.
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com
- Talk of Alabama
3 Ways to Grow Your Marriage
We know the proper care of plants (water, soil, sunlight)
Just like plants a marriage needs proper care if it is going to grow and thrive.
There are multiple ways for you to invest in your marriage this year. We encourage you to tap into as many sources as possible but with this podcast, we are going to talk about easy ways that you can start investing in your marriage today.
- Practicing Patience
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Practical Way…
Ask yourself… Is this a big deal… Will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years?
No-move on
Yes- deal with it
- Support Your Spouse in Both Big and Small Ways
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Practical ways…
Be your spouse’s cheerleader
Don’t be the first negative voice they hear
Support them by participating in their hobby, interests, dreams, etc.
- Care for Your Spouse’s Needs
Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Practical ways…
Ask your spouse how to care for them (while you wait on their answer… try the ones below)
Make sex a priority
Take something off their plate
Speak their Love Language
Let’s go into this new year being intentional about investing in our marriage in these three ways. Let’s stop wishing and making excuses… remember with proper care your marriage will grow.
https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/3-ways-to-grow-your-marriage-in-2023/
And they all lived happily ever after!
That's how all the good love stories end. Have you ever wondered... how? How are these people living "happily ever after"? What are they doing to make that happen? The world wants us to believe that it just happens with out any effort on our part. We are led to believe that if it doesn't "just happen" something is wrong with us,
On this episode, we are going to destroy the lie that says you can't have your "happily ever after" by showing you ways to be intentional everyday in order to strengthen your relationship.
Begin with the End in Mind - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
On today's episode we wanted to start by introducing ourselves, sharing a little bit of our story, and explaining why we started A Beautiful Adventure Marriage. 12 years ago when we had our first pre-marital counseling session, no one in the room would have dream that we would be the founders of a marriage ministry. However the Lord works in mysterious ways and He has given us a passion for marriage and we want to share that passion with you.
You wil find that we aren't perfect. We don't get it right everytime. We are just two peole you love God, each other, and being married. Our goal is to give you anything we have that can help draw you closer to God and your spouse, We believe that marriage is God's idea. It is a good idea, and it can be a bautiful adventure.
Don't forget to hit that follow button and share this with your spouse!
Adventure Awaits! So let's go!
Let's Start at the Beginning - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage
Welcome to A Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast.
We are Alex and Tara Payne and we are here to help your marriage be the adventure of a lifetime.
So whether you are newly engaged or have been married for years we want to come alongside you to make your adventure the best it can be.
You will find with us no topic is off limits. We want to dive into any issue that could arise in marriage and give Biblical advice and practical tips to solve the problem, or just avoid it altogether- all while strengthening your relationship.
So if you want to go on this adventure with us grab your spouse, go to your favorite place to listen to podcasts, and hit that follow button. Remember your marriage can be the adventure of a lifetime.
Let's go!
www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com