Relationship Truth: Unfiltered: Recent Episodes

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Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "Maybe this time he really means it" — and then hated yourself for thinking it again? You are not weak. You are not foolish. You are caught in something far more powerful than willpower alone.

In this deeply honest and compassionate episode, Leslie Vernick names two forces that work together to keep women stuck in destructive relationships: Hopium — the counterfeit hope dressed in spiritual language — and the trauma bond that keeps feeding it. You will walk away understanding what is actually happening in your mind, your body, and your faith, and you will leave with a clear framework, real questions to ask yourself, and the courage to trade a false hope for a genuine one.

Key Takeaways

Hopium Is Not Biblical Hope.

Hopium sounds like faith. It uses words like trust, submission, forgiveness, and patience — but it places all the weight of your husband's choices onto your faith. True biblical hope, the kind found in Psalm 33, is rooted in God's character alone, not in a husband's potential or his latest promise. Leslie draws a clear and important line: God can change a heart, but God never forces a heart to change. Confusing those two things will crush you. Biblical hope gives you the courage to face reality; Hopium asks you to deny it.

Trauma Bonds Are Real, and They Are Not Your Fault

A trauma bond is a specific kind of toxic attachment created by three conditions working together: an imbalance of power, intermittent reinforcement (the cycle of warmth and cruelty that hijacks your nervous system), and coercive control, which in Christian settings often includes the weaponizing of Scripture. Leslie explains that trauma bonds are frequently mislabeled as godly virtues — long-suffering, loyalty, unconditional love — which is precisely what makes them so hard to name and so hard to leave. Even the Israelites, after escaping slavery, idealized Egypt and wanted to go back. That is not weakness; that is a predictable, understandable response to long-term trauma.

Hopium and Trauma Bonds Feed Each Other

These are not two separate problems. The trauma bond creates the neurological and emotional pull toward him regardless of what he does; Hopium gives that pull a spiritual costume. Instead of "I cannot stop wanting him even though he hurts me," it becomes "I believe God will restore this marriage." Instead of "my nervous system is hijacked," it becomes "I just need more faith." Leslie uses the disciples on the road to Emmaus as a powerful anchor: the hope they expected died, but Jesus was still walking right beside them. Your marriage may not become what you prayed for, and that grief is real — but God has not abandoned you. He offers his presence, his truth, and a different kind of hope than the one you expected.

How to Tell Whether Change Is Real

Leslie answers six listener questions with remarkable clarity, including the one so many women are afraid to ask: how do I know if his change is genuine? She introduces the framework of old history versus new history — what patterns defined the past, and what consistent new patterns are you seeing now, not just during the honeymoon phase and not just when he fears consequences? Genuine change looks like humility without minimizing, ownership without blaming, patience with your healing, and changed behavior that persists even when no one is watching. Using the language of change without the fruit of change is not change — it is manipulation.

The HOPE Framework: A Practical Path Forward

Leslie closes with a simple, memorable framework to help you take your next step.

Honesty: what is actually true right now, what is the real pattern, what is the real impact on you and your children?
Ownership: what is his work to do, and what is yours, and what have you been carrying that does not belong to you?
Protection: what needs protecting right now: your body, your mind, your children, your finances, your faith?
Empowered next step: what is one wise decision you can make today, whether he changes or not? You do not need his transformation to begin your own.

Personal Invitation

If this episode stirred something in you — if you have been trying harder and praying harder and still feeling crazy, powerless, or trapped — I want you to know there is a next step waiting for you. I am hosting a free webinar called the Four Lies that Make Christian Women Feel Crazy and Powerless in Their Destructive Relationships. We are going to unpack exactly why these beliefs sound so biblical, how they are shaping the way you respond, and what Scripture actually offers instead. This is for the woman who loves God and loves her marriage but is starting to wonder if something has gone deeply wrong. Come and find out what is really true.

Register here: https://leslievernick.com/problem

Closing Encouragement

Wherever you are today — still in the relationship, newly separated, grieving a marriage you never wanted to lose — God sees you. He sees what you have tried. He sees what it has cost you. He sees every time you forgave, waited, hoped, and tried again. He is not asking you to live in denial. He is not asking you to endure destruction and call it faithfulness.

Hopium waits for him to change so that you can finally live. Biblical hope helps you live faithfully and wisely whether he changes or not. A trauma bond whispers that you cannot survive without him. The truth is you were made to survive, to heal, and to flourish in the freedom God intended for you from the beginning.

That freedom begins with honesty. It grows with wisdom. And it is sustained by a God who is still walking right beside you — even on the road to Emmaus, even when the hope you once carried is gone. You are not alone, and you are not without genuine hope. Take one step this week, and trust that He will meet you there.

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From Crazy-Making to Clarity: One Woman's Journey Out of a Destructive MarriageWhat do you do when you cry out to God at two in the morning — not because you are praying, but because you are too afraid to go to sleep?

That is exactly where Shelley found herself: a musician, a mother, a woman of deep faith living in Australia with a vision impairment, and a marriage that had quietly unraveled into something dangerous and demeaning. In this episode, Leslie sits down with Shelley to hear the story she could not tell for years — the moment she finally named what was happening, the community that reminded her she was not crazy, and the God who showed up in the most practical and tender ways imaginable. If you have been told to pray harder, submit more, and trust that God will fix it, this conversation will meet you exactly where you are and point you toward something better.

Key Takeaways

The Moment You Realize It Is Not Just a Hard Marriage

For Shelley, the turning point came wrapped in a birthday gift — a beautiful purple shirt with a Proverbs 31 verse on it. When she asked her husband why he chose it, he told her he thought she needed a reminder to be kind to their children. That single moment cracked open years of confusion. Looking back, she recognized a pattern: extravagant public gifts followed by being called high maintenance, and birthdays that ended in tears. If you have been dismissing a pattern as immaturity or spiritual immaturity, Shelley's story gently invites you to look more honestly at what the pattern actually reveals.

You Cannot Conquer Your Marriage Until You Conquer Your Own Blind Spots

One of the most courageous and unexpected things Shelley shared was her discovery inside the Conquer community of the drama triangle — and her own role in it. She had been rescuing, managing, and attempting to control her husband's behavior as a way of managing her own fear. As she put it, she realized she was in Conquer not to conquer her marriage, but to conquer her own pride, blind spots, and reactions. This is the kind of honest, growth-oriented work that goes beyond surviving — it is the work of becoming. As Leslie reminds us, being a true victim does not mean we have no work of our own to do. Healing work and growth work are both necessary.

You Are Not Crazy — You Need Community That Understands

Shelley described the relief of finding a group of women walking a similar path not simply as encouragement but as sanity. Talking to a therapist every two weeks was not enough. She needed women who were wrestling the same questions with God, some two steps ahead of her and some two steps behind. The isolation of a destructive marriage — especially inside a church community that offers only submission and prayer — can make a woman doubt her own perception of reality. Being seen and heard by women who understand is not a luxury. It is part of the path back to clarity.

God Provides Through People — Even When the Church Has Failed You

Shelley's exit from her marriage was not clean or simple. She faced a three-year property battle, children who chose to stay with their father, emergency housing challenges, and a previous church that told her to submit. And yet, God placed person after person in her path — a domestic violence support worker's wife, a church that paid her rent, a rental manager who went out of her way, a prayer meeting friend who became her disability support worker and sat with her through her final court appearance. Shelley's story is a living reminder that God's provision rarely looks the way we expect, and it almost always arrives through the hands and feet of ordinary people.

Your Life Has a Purpose Beyond the Role You Were Robbed Of

Shelley is now pursuing her long-deferred dream of recording her original songs — music born from the middle of the painful years, written to reach other women still caught in the confusion. Her reflection is worth sitting with: she had been waiting all these years for someone else to make room in their calendar for her dreams. She has decided to stop waiting. If you have spent years making yourself smaller to keep the peace, Shelley's invitation to you is a generous and courageous one — there is only one you, and no one can represent Jesus to this world the way that you can. You deserve to reach your full potential.

Personal Invitation

If Shelley's story stirred something in you — if you recognized yourself in the confusion, the isolation, the spiritual wrestling — you do not have to keep navigating this alone. We've created a resource designed specifically for women in your situation. Get the Quickstart Guide: https://leslievernick.com/guide

You are not crazy, and you are not alone. What you are living through is real, and naming it is not betrayal — it is the beginning of truth. Shelley walked out of years of confusion, spiritual manipulation, and isolation into a life of peace, purpose, and genuine relationship with her children and her God. That same God is not finished with your story either. He meets us in our limits with unexpected strength. He hears the prayers we pray at two in the morning, the ones where we are not even sure we have permission to ask. He answered Shelley's. He will answer yours. Take the next right step, and trust that He will meet you there.

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How to Thrive as the Default Parent
When you're doing it all in a neurodiverse family
with Stephanie HolmesWhat do you do when you are the only one who sees what your child needs, the only one managing the appointments, the IEPs, the protocols, the meltdowns, the mental load — and the other parent is sitting right there in the same house?

If that question landed somewhere deep in your chest, this episode was made for you. Leslie sits down with Dr. Stephanie Holmes, a certified autism specialist, trained therapist for neurodiverse couples, and founder of Autism Spectrum Resources — a woman who has also lived this road personally as both a wife and a mother. Together they pull back the curtain on what it really costs a woman to carry the full weight of parenting a neurodiverse child alongside a disengaged or neurodiverse spouse, what it takes to finally speak up, and how you can protect your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health even when you cannot change your husband or your circumstances. You will walk away from this conversation feeling seen, equipped with practical perspective shifts, and reminded that your faithfulness to your children matters more than you can imagine.

Key Takeaways

The Mental and Emotional Cost of Being the Default Parent Is Real — and It Is Not Weakness

Stephanie describes nearly reaching a complete breakdown after years of functioning as the sole executive for her entire household — managing three neurodiverse family members, running a counseling practice, and absorbing every logistical, emotional, and spiritual demand without asking for help. The toll showed up as migraines, exhaustion, depression, and a crisis of faith. If you have been white-knuckling it through your days and wondering why you are falling apart when you look like you are holding it together, this is not a character flaw. It is the predictable result of one person carrying what two people were designed to share.

Lies Dressed as Biblical Mandates Can Keep You Trapped and Suffering Longer Than Necessary

Stephanie carried a painful burden for years because a pastor told her in premarital counseling that if she chose to work outside the home, she could never ask her husband to carry any of the domestic load. She signed onto that belief at nineteen, never anticipating children, neurodiversity, or the reality of what their life would actually require. Leslie names this pattern directly — cultural ideas packaged as spiritual law that keep good women silent, overloaded, and ashamed to ask for what they need. Naming the lie is the first step toward freedom.

Making the Mental Load Visible Can Open a Door That Silence Never Could

The turning point in Stephanie's marriage came not from an argument or an ultimatum, but from a simple, concrete act: she wrote every task down and laid both lists on the table. For her husband, seeing the imbalance visually was the thing that finally made it real. If your husband has not responded to your exhaustion or your words, it does not automatically mean he is cruel — it may mean he genuinely cannot perceive what he has never been shown. This does not excuse a lack of action, but it does suggest that a different kind of communication may open a different kind of conversation.

You Cannot Control the External, But You Can Steward What Is Internal

Leslie offers one of the most grounding frameworks in the episode: when we are overwhelmed by everything we cannot control — our husband's choices, what happens on his parenting time, whether the school cooperates — we tend to redouble our efforts to control the external, which only deepens our distress. The real work, the work that actually moves the needle, happens inside. Choosing to build community, finding your support people, deciding who you want to be in the middle of this hard season — these are the things within your reach. As Stephanie says, she eventually made a decision: I am going to survive this and I am going to thrive despite this.

You Do Not Have to Earn Permission to Get Help, Go to Church, or Take Your Kids on Vacation

One of the most practically liberating moments in this conversation is when Stephanie realizes that her husband's unwillingness to participate does not mean she and her children cannot participate in life. He had never told her she could not take the girls on vacation — she had simply assumed that a good Christian wife would not go without him. When she stopped waiting for his yes and started making choices for her children's good, things began to shift. If your husband is not leading, someone still has to keep the plane in the air. Choosing to do that is not a failure of submission — it is a faithful act of stewardship.

Personal Invitation

If this conversation stirred something in you — if you recognized yourself in the exhaustion, the false beliefs, the longing for someone to finally name what you have been living — we want you to know there is a place to go deeper. My Moving Beyond People Pleasing course was built for women who have spent years putting everyone else's needs, comfort, and approval ahead of their own, and who are ready to learn how to show up differently. It is grounded in Scripture, filled with practical tools, and designed for women who are serious about becoming the truest, most grounded version of who God created them to be.

You can learn more and get started here: https://leslievernick.com/mbpp

Closing Encouragement

You are not failing. You are carrying something extraordinarily heavy, and you have been carrying it largely alone. But you were not meant to do this without God, without community, and without a honest look at what is truly yours to hold and what is not.

Stephanie prayed it beautifully in this episode — God is Emmanuel, which means He is with us. He is with you in the IEP meeting, in the exhausted silence after the kids are in bed, in the anger you have been afraid to admit, and in the small faithful steps you take every single day. James 1:5 promises that if you ask for wisdom, He will give it generously. He is not withholding from you. He is walking with you, one step at a time, lighting just enough of the path ahead to keep moving forward.

You are not alone. And change — in you, through you, and around you — is possible.

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The Dignity Line
How to Recognize When Your Relationship Has Crossed It
with Dawn Madsen
Show NotesHave you ever found yourself unable to explain to a counselor, a friend, or even yourself exactly why your relationship feels so wrong — only to be met with "every marriage has problems" or "have you tried harder to communicate"? You are not alone, and you are not imagining it.

In this powerful conversation, Leslie sits down with Dawn Madsen — known to over a million women each month as The Minimal Mom — who spent years inside a relationship she could feel but could not fully name, until she developed a tool called the Dignity Line. Together, Leslie and Dawn walk through what it looks like when a relationship crosses from difficult into destructive, why even the most capable and faith-filled women stay far longer than they ever expected, and how rebuilding something as simple as your physical space can become the first thread in reclaiming your confidence, your voice, and your sense of self.

Key Takeaways

What the Dignity Line Is — and Why It Changes Everything

Dawn describes the Dignity Line as a clear threshold that separates normal relational breakdowns — where both partners can own their part, repair the rupture, and move forward — from patterns of treatment that communicate "your needs are negotiable and your pain is not my responsibility." Above the line, disagreements happen but do not involve name-calling, gaslighting, blame-shifting, or chronic entitlement. Below the line, those patterns repeat without genuine accountability or change. What makes this tool so meaningful for women in destructive relationships is that it moves the conversation away from diagnosis or labels entirely. You do not need to prove he is a narcissist. You simply need to look honestly at how you are being treated and whether your dignity is consistently honored or consistently dismissed.

Why You Stayed — and Why That Is Not a Failure

One of the most compassionate and clarifying moments in this conversation is when Dawn and Leslie name together why leaving takes so long — and why that timeline deserves understanding rather than shame. When a relationship is not always bad, the good seasons create genuine confusion. The highs feel like proof that the real person is still in there, and that if you can just be the right kind of wife, you can call that person forward. What Leslie adds is equally important: those good seasons are often a strategy, not a transformation. The love-bombing, the apologies, the warmth — these can function to keep you cooperative, not because real change has taken root. Tracking patterns over time, as Dawn recommends, is not being unforgiving. It is being honest.

Why Traditional Tools Like Boundaries and Marriage Counseling Often Fail Here

Dawn shares a story that will resonate deeply — setting a boundary, feeling proud of herself for finally doing it, and then finding herself comforting him on the way to the hardware store twenty minutes later. Her point is not that boundaries are useless; it is that boundaries only function as intended when both partners are operating above the dignity line. In a destructive dynamic, a boundary is often met with punishment, victim-posturing, or a quiet escalation that gets taken out on the children. This is not a failure of your boundary-setting. It is data. As Leslie reminds listeners: when you try something new and it gets worse rather than better, that is not evidence you did it wrong. It is evidence about the relationship — and evidence you can use.

Rebuilding Confidence in Practical, Everyday Ways

Dawn brings a gift to this conversation that is entirely her own: the insight that simplifying and decluttering your physical environment is one of the most accessible ways to begin reclaiming your inner world. When you have been gaslit for years, your confidence in your own judgment erodes. But you can begin rebuilding it in small, low-stakes decisions — keep this, donate that, this vase brings me no joy and I do not have to justify that to anyone. Each small decision is a practice in trusting yourself. Each moment you choose to live with someone's disappointment over the clutter you removed is a rehearsal for the much harder moments ahead. Your outer world and your inner world are in conversation with each other, and bringing one into order can quietly, faithfully begin to restore the other.

The Role of Faith, Forgiveness, and Enabling

Leslie gently names something many Christian women have never heard said plainly in a church context: the virtues of long-suffering, forgiveness, and turning the other cheek can be weaponized against you — and can, if left unexamined, become a means of enabling ongoing harm to yourself and your children. As Leslie points out, even Jesus did not change Judas. He invited him, he saw him clearly, and he let him go. Praying faithfully for a spouse who refuses to change is not a failure of your faith. God does not override the will of a person who has decided not to change. What you can control is whether you keep absorbing the cost of that choice — and whether your children grow up believing that this is simply what love looks like.

If you are resonating with what Dawn and Leslie discussed today — if you have been quietly living below your own dignity line and you are ready to stop seeking everyone else's approval long enough to hear your own voice again — we want to walk with you in that.

The Moving Beyond People Pleasing course is a six-week coaching experience designed to help you build a steadier, stronger sense of who you are in Christ — so that the next decision you face, you face it from a grounded place rather than a depleted one. You will receive focused teaching, practical tools, and live coaching support, with flexibility built in for your schedule.

https://leslievernick.com/mbpp

Find more about the Dignity Line and The Minimal Mom here:
Dignity Line Resources: https://www.theminimalmom.com/the-line
The Minimal Mom on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheMinimalMom

Closing Encouragement

If you have spent years trying to find the right words to explain what is happening inside your home and inside your heart, and you have mostly been met with silence, skepticism, or the quiet suggestion that you simply need to try harder — hear this today: there is a name for what you have been living. There is a line, and it has been crossed. That is not you being unforgiving or selfish or giving up. That is you finally seeing clearly.

You are not too far gone to rebuild. Your confidence is not gone — it is waiting to be reclaimed, one small decision at a time. God has not abandoned you in this confusion. He is the one who opens eyes in his timing, who walks with women through the wilderness, and who has a long and faithful history of bringing his daughters through to the other side. You do not have to have it all figured out today. You only have to take one next step — and you do not have to take it alone.

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Tired of Being Dismissed? How to Stop Over-Functioning and Start Protecting Your HeartHave you ever found yourself explaining your needs — again — to someone who just doesn't seem to care? Or quietly wondering, Is something wrong with me for wanting to be seen? If that question has lived in your chest for too long, this episode is for you.

In this warm, honest conversation, Leslie Vernick coaches Diana and Leanne sit down to tackle three of the most common — and most painful — questions they hear from women every day: Does lacking boundaries make me codependent? What's a healthy response when my needs are dismissed over and over? And where is the line between being responsible and over-functioning? You'll walk away with real clarity, practical language to use in hard moments, and the faith-rooted reminder that God never intended for you to erase yourself to keep the peace.

Key Takeaways

A Lack of Boundaries Is Often About Survival — Not a Character Flaw

Codependency isn't a label to shame yourself with — it's often a survival strategy that developed when you learned that love meant silence, sacrifice, and self-forgetting. As Coach Diana reminds us, many women were simply never taught that they were allowed to have needs. Mark 12:31 calls us to love others as we love ourselves — and that verse quietly assumes there is a self worth caring for. Boundaries aren't the opposite of love; they're how you love wisely without disappearing.

You Don't Have to Beg for What Love Gives Freely

When your needs are dismissed again and again, your body begins to believe a lie — that you don't matter. Coach Leanne shares honestly that chronic dismissal wears down the soul and scrambles the mind. The healthy response isn't to fight harder for recognition; it's to notice the pattern, name what's happening, and then limit your vulnerability with people who have shown they won't honor it. Psalm 34 reminds us that God is close to the brokenhearted — and you always have an audience with Him, even when others keep turning away.

Speak Up — Then Let It Be on Them

Coaches Diana and Leanne offer a powerful, practical framework: state your need clearly and honestly, make a note in your journal that you've said it, and then stop repeating yourself. You are not responsible for making someone understand what they are choosing not to hear. A simple, grounded statement — "I won't continue this conversation without mutual respect in the room" — is not drama. It is dignity. And once you've named it, the next step belongs to them.

The Difference Between Helping and Rescuing

Over-functioning crosses a line the moment you start doing for someone else what they are fully capable of doing for themselves — and it costs you something precious. As Coach Leanne puts it: help empowers, rescuing enables. If exhaustion, resentment, and fear have become your constant companions, that is your signal. Jesus is the Savior. You were never meant to fill that role — and sometimes stepping back is the most loving and courageous thing you can do, both for yourself and for the person you care about.

You Get to Steward This One Precious Life

One of the most beautiful threads woven through this entire conversation is this: you get to have a self. God doesn't ask you to be erased — He invites you to be grounded. Knowing who you are, what you value, and what you are and aren't responsible for is not selfishness. It is faithful stewardship of the life He gave you. When the fog of over-functioning and people-pleasing lifts, you make room to hear His voice again.

Personal Invitation

Friend, if self-doubt, perfectionism, comparison, or people-pleasing have been quietly running your life — this is your moment to take one brave step forward.

I want to personally invite you to join us for Moving Beyond Insecurity Coaching Week — five days of practical teaching, live coaching, and biblical encouragement designed to help you stop living from insecurity and start walking with clarity, courage, and confidence in Christ. And it's only $17.

You don't have to keep shrinking back. Come take that one brave step with us:

https://leslievernick.com/insecurity

You are not too much. You are not asking for too much. And you are not alone in this.

God sees the quiet ache of being overlooked. He is close to the brokenhearted, and He is not asking you to disappear — He is inviting you to show up, rooted in who He says you are, with your voice intact and your dignity restored. Change is possible. Healing is possible. And with His guidance and a little courage, so is the life where your needs are not just tolerated — but honored.

We are so glad you're here.

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When Conflict Feels Unsafe: How to Stay Open-Hearted Without Abandoning YourselfHave you ever known the “right” way to communicate, but in the heat of conflict, those tools seem to disappear? In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with psychologist, speaker, and author Dr. Kelly Flanagan to talk about what really happens inside of us when we get triggered—and how one small, sacred moment of choice can shift us from reactivity toward connection.

Together, Leslie and Kelly explore why communication often breaks down within us before it breaks down between us, how to recognize when our hearts are closing, and why open-heartedness never means becoming a doormat. This conversation is especially meaningful for women navigating destructive, painful, or confusing relationships who want to grow in wisdom, courage, and Christlike strength without abandoning themselves.

Key Takeaways1. Communication Breaks Down Inside Us First

Dr. Flanagan explains that many people already have communication skills, but when they feel threatened, hurt, or misunderstood, they “close the toolbox” right when they need it most. The real work is not just learning better words—it is learning to notice what is happening inside our bodies, hearts, and nervous systems when we become triggered.

That moment of awareness creates a pause. And in that pause, we begin to recover our God-given agency to choose a different response.

1. You Can Notice When Your Heart Starts to Close

Kelly describes a triggered moment as a process: the nervous system activates, the heart begins to shift into protection mode, and then we make a quick, often unconscious choice about whether to close down or stay open.

Leslie connects this with the biblical wisdom of Proverbs: “Above all else, guard your heart.” Guarding your heart does not mean hardening it. It means learning when to pause, when to regulate, and when to make wise choices about what you allow in and what you release.

1. Open-Heartedness Does Not Mean Weak Boundaries

One of the most powerful parts of this conversation is the distinction between an open heart and a lack of boundaries. Dr. Flanagan reminds listeners that the condition of your heart is an inner posture, while boundaries are outer actions.

An open heart does not make your boundaries weaker—it makes them wiser. For women in destructive or emotionally unsafe relationships, this is crucial. Christlike love does not require self-abandonment, enabling, or pretending harm is not happening.

1. Calm Yourself Before You Try to Connect

Conflict escalates when we try to calm ourselves by controlling someone else’s behavior. Kelly uses the illustration of a furnace: when the “control board” inside us is malfunctioning, we often try to change the weather outside instead of tending to what is happening inside.

Before we can connect well, we must first regulate. That may mean taking a break, breathing, praying, going to another room, or simply saying, “I’m triggered right now, and I need a little time before I can respond well.”

1. Your Growth Is Never Wasted

Leslie and Kelly offer hope for the woman who has tried everything to get her husband to communicate better, become safer, or look at himself honestly. While you cannot control another person’s choices, you can still do your own work.

Even if the relationship does not heal the way you hoped, God does not waste your growth. As you become more whole, wise, and grounded, you are better equipped to make faithful, courageous decisions about what comes next.

Dr. Kelly Flanagan is offering listeners a free video tutorial that walks through the nine-step process from his book, The Road Less Triggered, helping you begin moving from reactivity toward connection.

To receive the resource, email: drkellybonus@gmail.com

You will also be temporarily subscribed to his online community, The Less Triggered Tribe, with the option to unsubscribe at any time.

Friend, being triggered does not mean you are failing. It means something inside of you is asking for care, attention, and wisdom.

You do not have to stay stuck in reactivity, fear, silence, or blame. With God’s help, you can learn to pause, regulate, speak truth, set wise boundaries, and grow into a more whole version of yourself. You are not alone, and even in painful relationships, your healing and growth still matter.

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Parenting with Someone Who Is Emotionally or Spiritually UnsafeHow do you parent well when the other parent is manipulative, emotionally unsafe, spiritually abusive, addictive, or simply unwilling to grow? It’s one of the most painful and exhausting realities many women face after separation, divorce, or even within a difficult marriage.

In this powerful conversation, Leslie is joined by Michael and Kristin Cary of Living Truth Together to talk honestly about why “friendly co-parenting” is not always realistic—or safe—when the other parent continues destructive patterns. Together, they offer practical boundaries, faith-rooted wisdom, and compassionate guidance for moms who want to protect their children without badmouthing the other parent or getting pulled into more chaos.

Key Takeaways1. Friendly Co-Parenting Isn’t Always Possible—or Safe

Many women are told that if they communicate clearly, stay kind, and “do their part,” co-parenting will become peaceful. But when someone was unsafe in the marriage, separation or divorce doesn’t magically make them safe, reasonable, or cooperative.

Michael reminds us that issues like sex, money, parenting, addiction, manipulation, and emotional abuse don’t disappear just because a couple is no longer together. In many cases, trying to co-parent closely with an unsafe person only creates more opportunities for harm.

1. Boundaries Protect Your Soul and Reduce Unnecessary Conflict

Kristin shares from her own experience of parenting with a toxic ex-spouse and explains how she learned to put strong boundaries around communication. That meant not answering phone calls, avoiding one-on-one texting when possible, using another person in written communication, meeting in public places, and limiting conversations to only what was necessary.

These boundaries are not punishment. They are protection. As Leslie points out, when someone has repeatedly shown that engaging with them only brings arrows and harm, wisdom means accepting reality and choosing a safer way forward.

1. Loving Yourself Is Not Unchristian

Many women feel an over-spiritualized obligation to keep sacrificing themselves—to answer every question, calm every outburst, defend every accusation, or rescue the unsafe person from his own consequences. But Jesus told us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

Kristin names a powerful truth: you have agency now. You have authority over your time, energy, body, and emotional well-being. Sacrifice is beautiful when it leads to life and love, but it is not godly wisdom to continually sacrifice yourself to someone who uses your availability to harm you.

1. You Can’t Fully Protect Your Children, But You Can Equip Them

One of the hardest truths for any mother is realizing she cannot completely shield her children from the other parent’s toxicity. Kristin shares the deep surrender of recognizing that God loves her son even more than she does—and that while she can make wise choices, she cannot control everything he experiences.

That doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means helping your children recognize what is healthy and unhealthy, teaching them that they have choices, listening without using their pain as a weapon, and helping them build their own safety and discernment over time.

1. Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle

When the other parent blames, lies, or spiritually shames you in front of the children, it can be tempting to defend yourself by telling the whole story. But children should not have to carry adult burdens.

Kristin offers a wise, age-appropriate response: “Adult problems are really complex, and sometimes adults hurt each other in ways children shouldn’t have to understand. This is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to fix it. I love you.” Leslie adds that if something untrue is said, you can calmly say, “That’s not true. Dad is hurt and angry, and he’s saying some things that aren’t true,” without attacking his character.

1. You Still Need Support, Rest, and Joy

Parenting is hard. Parenting in a destructive or broken relationship is even harder. Kristin encourages women to get support, remove nonessentials where possible, and intentionally seek moments of real joy—not numbing or avoiding, but small places of delight and refuge with God.

Michael reminds us that self-care does not always require large blocks of time. Sometimes it looks like five minutes in the sunshine, a cup of coffee in prayer, a worship song, or a quiet breath before the next hard thing.

Personal InvitationIf this episode stirred something in you and you’re wondering, “Where do I even begin?” we want to help you take a clear next step.

Download Leslie’s Quickstart Guide to begin gaining clarity, courage, and practical direction for your situation. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. Start with one wise step.

Download the Quickstart Guide here:
https://leslievernick.com/guide

Friend, your situation may feel impossible, especially when the other parent refuses to change, take responsibility, or become safe. But even if he never changes, you can.

You can become the grounded, steady, emotionally healthy anchor your children need. You can stop dancing the old destructive dance. You can seek support, walk in truth, and learn to protect your heart without hardening it.

You are not alone. God sees you, He loves your children, and He will give you wisdom for the next right step. Keep walking in truth—one step at a time.

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Finding Life, Hope, and Healing After Divorce with Jessica KastnerHave you ever wondered if your story is over because your marriage ended? Divorce can feel like a death—of dreams, identity, family, and future. But in this tender and hope-filled conversation, Leslie sits down with author and speaker Jessica Kastner to talk honestly about divorce, grief, shame, healing, and the beautiful truth that God is still writing your story.

Jessica shares vulnerably from her own journey through divorce, including the pain of rejection, the temptation to rush into another relationship, and the slow, sacred work of learning that God alone is enough. Together, Leslie and Jessica offer compassion, clarity, and biblical hope for women who feel broken, disqualified, or afraid that life will never feel whole again.

Key TakeawaysDivorce Is Not Your IdentityJessica reminds women that divorce may be part of your story, but it is not who you are. Your worth is not determined by whether someone chose you, stayed with you, or left you. God created you with purpose, dignity, and calling—and divorce does not cancel that.

Grieving Is Necessary Before RebuildingToo often, women try to numb the pain of divorce through dating, busyness, or distraction. Jessica honestly shares how rushing into relationships after her first divorce kept her from grieving and healing. Her encouragement is clear: give yourself time, sit with God in the pain, and allow Him to become your refuge.

You Don’t Need a Man to Be WholeLeslie and Jessica talk about the difference between wanting companionship and needing a relationship in order to be okay. When another person becomes necessary for your worth, security, or identity, they take a place only God can fill. Healing helps you come into any future relationship as a whole adult—not someone looking to be completed.

Co-Parenting Requires Grace, Boundaries, and MaturityDivorce creates painful complications, especially when children are involved. Jessica encourages women to focus on the children’s well-being rather than getting caught in power struggles with an ex-spouse. Leslie adds the importance of keeping your side of the street clean through wise boundaries, limited contact when needed, and calm, clear communication.

Your Story Is Not OverWhether you remarry someday or remain single, your life still matters. Leslie and Jessica challenge the lie that your “best years” are behind you. With God, you can continue to grow, heal, serve, and become a stronger, wiser, more grounded version of yourself.

Personal InvitationFeeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start? Get the Quickstart Guide and take your next step toward clarity, courage, and healing.

Download the Quickstart Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/guide

Friend, divorce may feel like the end of everything familiar, but it is not the end of you. God is not surprised by your pain, your questions, or your future. He is near to the brokenhearted, faithful in the wilderness, and able to bring beauty from ashes.

You are not disqualified. You are not forgotten. And with God’s help, you can grieve, heal, grow, and step into the next chapter of your life with courage and hope.

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Have you ever wondered whether what you’re living through is really abuse—or if maybe you’ve just been told for so long to “pray harder,” “submit more,” and “be a better wife” that you no longer trust your own reality? In this deeply honest episode, Leslie sits down with Kelly Yazzie, Leslie Vernick & Company’s community manager, to talk about her painful journey through sexual abuse, spiritual manipulation, coercive control, and the long road to clarity and healing.

Kelly shares how years of harmful teaching, church responses, and confusion around what God really asks of women kept her trapped in a destructive marriage. But she also offers hope. Through Scripture, truth, support, and courage, Kelly began to reclaim her voice, rebuild her faith, and discover that God does not ask us to suffer our best for someone else’s worst.

Key Takeaways

Abuse can begin early and still be hard to name
Kelly shares that the abuse in her marriage began on her honeymoon, yet it took her years to fully recognize it for what it was. When harmful behavior is wrapped in spiritual language or normalized by church culture, women often question themselves instead of naming the truth.

Bad theology can keep women bonded to harm
One of the most heartbreaking parts of Kelly’s story is how often she sought help, only to be sent back into danger. This episode shines a light on how distorted teachings about submission, forgiveness, and suffering can be used to pressure women to endure abuse rather than wisely confront it.

Biblical submission is not silence, coercion, or one-sided obedience
Kelly unpacks how studying Scripture with fresh eyes changed everything for her. She came to see that biblical submission is mutual and rooted in reverence for Christ, not in domination, fear, or forced compliance.

Healing begins when confusion starts to lift
After discovering her husband’s adultery, Kelly began questioning everything she had been taught. Through Scripture, Leslie’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, and the support of safe women, the fog began to clear and she could finally see the manipulation and control for what it was.

You are the one who must choose before God
One of the most powerful moments in this episode is Kelly’s reminder that she was the one who had to make the decision about her future. Even when spiritual leaders pressured her toward a certain outcome, she learned that a godly woman must discern, with God’s help, what is true, wise, and necessary for her own safety and stewardship.

A Personal Invitation

If Kelly’s story stirred something in you and you’re realizing you need clarity, support, and a safer next step, the Quick Start Guide is a wonderful place to begin. It’s designed to help you better understand what’s happening in your relationship, ground yourself in truth, and take wise, practical steps forward.

Get the Quick Start Guide here: https://leslievernick.com/guide

Friend, if you have been living under the weight of fear, confusion, or spiritual pressure, please hear this: God sees you. He is not asking you to deny reality in order to be faithful. He is a God of truth, love, wisdom, and light.

There is hope for healing. There is freedom on the other side of confusion. And with God’s help, you can reclaim your voice, renew your faith, and take your next step in courage.

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Boundaries, Overfunctioning, and Finding Your Voice in Difficult Relationships

Have you ever tried to set a boundary… only to feel shut down, ignored, or even guilted into backing down?

In this honest and practical episode, Leslie is joined by trusted coach Diana Bala to walk through real-life questions women face every day—how to hold boundaries when someone is angry, how to navigate emotionally draining family dynamics, and how to stop overfunctioning in relationships. Together, they offer compassionate wisdom, biblical truth, and actionable steps to help you move from confusion and exhaustion to clarity and courage.

Key Takeaways

1. Boundaries Are About Your Actions—Not Controlling Theirs
   One of the biggest misunderstandings about boundaries is thinking they’re about stopping someone else’s behavior. They’re not. Boundaries are about what you will do when someone behaves in a way that feels unsafe or unhealthy.
   Instead of saying, “You can’t yell at me,” a healthier boundary is: “I’m not willing to stay in this conversation when you’re yelling.” This shift empowers you to take responsibility for your own well-being.

2. Staying Grounded When Emotions Escalate
   When someone raises their voice or pressures you, your body naturally reacts. You may feel anxious, frozen, or overwhelmed—and that’s normal.
   Learning to regulate yourself in those moments—through grounding, breathing, and staying focused on your boundary—helps you avoid getting pulled into circular arguments. You don’t have to respond to every accusation; you can calmly repeat your boundary and disengage.

3. Small Boundaries Still Count (And Build Courage)
   If strong, direct boundaries feel unsafe or overwhelming, start small. Even saying, “I can’t talk right now,” or taking a break can be a powerful first step.
   These small shifts begin to change the dynamic. They also give you valuable information about how safe the relationship truly is—and whether additional support or a safety plan may be needed.

4. You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Reactions
   This is one of the hardest truths to accept: people may feel disappointed, angry, or upset when you set a boundary—and that doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
   Just as Jesus didn’t say “yes” to everyone, you are allowed to honor your limits. You can be kind and empathetic toward someone’s feelings without taking responsibility for managing them.

5. Overfunctioning Keeps Others From Growing
   Overfunctioning often comes from a good heart—but it can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and imbalance. It may even prevent others from stepping into their own responsibilities.
   Ask yourself: What am I getting out of this? and Is this actually helping—or enabling?
   Letting go of overfunctioning means setting internal boundaries first—deciding what you will and won’t carry—and then consistently following through, even when it feels uncomfortable.

If you’re in a relationship that feels confusing, draining, or even destructive, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

The CONQUER Membership is a safe, faith-based space designed specifically for Christian women who want clarity, healing, and practical support. Inside, you’ll find biblical teaching, live coaching, and a community of women walking a similar path.

👉 Learn more here: https://leslievernick.com/membership

Friend, learning to set boundaries isn’t about becoming harsh or unkind—it’s about becoming whole.

God cares deeply about your dignity, your safety, and your well-being. As you begin to take even small steps toward honoring yourself, you are also stepping closer to the life of peace and freedom He desires for you.

You are not alone in this journey. With courage, practice, and God’s guidance, change is possible.

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Healing After Betrayal – Moving from Broken to Brave with Tammy Gustafson

Have you ever done everything you were told a “good Christian wife” should do—pray harder, forgive quickly, submit more—only to find yourself deeply betrayed and wondering where God is in the middle of it all?

In this powerful conversation, Leslie sits down with counselor, speaker, and author Tammy Gustafson to talk honestly about betrayal trauma and the unique struggles Christian women face when their marriages are shattered by infidelity or sexual betrayal. Together, they unpack the spiritual confusion, misplaced responsibility, and emotional pain many women carry—and offer a path toward courageous, honest healing.

If you’ve ever felt trapped between your faith and your pain, this episode will help you find clarity, permission, and hope for moving from broken to brave.

Key TakeawaysWhen Faith Messages Keep Women Stuck

Many Christian women struggle to heal after betrayal because of harmful messages they’ve internalized—messages about submission, silence, and being responsible for their husband’s behavior. These teachings can make women feel small, guilty, or spiritually obligated to ignore their own pain. True healing requires untangling these distortions and rediscovering the heart of God, who sees and cares about the pain of betrayal.

Anger Is Not the Enemy—It’s Part of Healing

Anger is a normal and healthy response to betrayal. In fact, it’s often the energy that empowers women to set boundaries, find their voice, and begin healing. Tammy explains the difference between healthy anger, which helps us process grief, and rage, which harms. Suppressing anger often keeps women stuck, while honestly expressing it can move healing forward.

Why His Healing Can’t Be Your Job

After betrayal, many women instinctively focus on their husband’s shame, regret, or recovery. But this often stops the healing process. Tammy explains that true restoration begins when each person stays in their own “shoes”—the betrayer doing the hard work of repentance and change, and the betrayed partner focusing on her own healing. When that balance is restored, real transformation becomes possible.

Forgiveness Has a Process—And It Can’t Be Forced

Many Christian women are pressured to forgive quickly, but premature forgiveness can actually shut down the healing process. Forgiveness doesn’t mean the betrayal was okay, and it doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. Instead, forgiveness usually comes after truth-telling, grieving, and processing anger. When women allow healing to unfold in the right order, forgiveness becomes freeing rather than forced.

Brave Healing Requires Strength and Self-Honor

Moving from broken to brave means stepping into your God-given worth and refusing to minimize the harm done to you. It means honoring your grief, setting boundaries, and recognizing that you deserve safety, honesty, and respect. Though this path may feel unfamiliar—or even selfish—it is often the courageous step toward real healing and freedom.

If this conversation resonates with you, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to navigate these questions by yourself.

If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing is actually abuse—even if there’s no physical violence—I invite you to join my upcoming workshop:

Conquer Workshop: If He Doesn’t Hit Me, Is It Still Abuse? God Cares.
Register here: https://leslievernick.com/masterclass

This workshop will help you understand what healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics really look like—and what God says about your safety, dignity, and well-being.

Tammy is also offering a powerful resource for women navigating betrayal recovery:

To access the freebie, click here: https://betrayalhealing.thrivecart.com/webinar-series-her-work/?coupon=LVFREE26

Her training will help you understand what helps—and what hurts—the healing process after betrayal.

Friend, if you are walking through the devastation of betrayal right now, please hear this: your pain matters, and God sees it.

Healing may take time. It may require courage you didn’t know you had. But you are not alone, and this painful chapter does not have to define the rest of your story.

With God’s help, wisdom, and the right support, it is possible to move from brokenness to strength—from confusion to clarity—and from despair to hope.

And I’m cheering you on every step of the way.

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Finding Hope in the Deepest Pain

What happens when the unthinkable becomes your reality—and yet you still choose faith?

In today’s deeply moving episode, Leslie sits down with Hope Hooton, a courageous mother, advocate, and follower of Jesus whose life changed forever in May 2024 when her two children, Alec and Lydia, were tragically killed during court-ordered visitation with their father. In the midst of unspeakable grief, Hope has chosen to trust God and use her voice to protect other children.

Through her testimony, advocacy, and new memoir releasing today, Hope reminds us that even in devastating loss, God’s presence can still be found—and that purpose can rise from the deepest pain.

Key TakeawaysRecognizing the Red Flags of Abuse
Looking back, Hope can now clearly see the warning signs in her marriage—manipulation, gaslighting, emotional control, financial abuse, and power struggles. Abuse rarely starts dramatically; it often unfolds subtly over time. Naming these patterns is the first step toward protecting yourself and your children.

When Systems Fail to Protect Children
Despite documented domestic violence and severe mental illness, the court granted Hope’s husband unsupervised visitation with their young children. This devastating decision highlights a heartbreaking reality many mothers face: the family court system often prioritizes parental rights over child safety.

Faith That Holds in the Darkest Night
After losing her children, Hope’s life as she knew it disappeared overnight. Yet in her grief, she clung tightly to God’s presence—spending time in prayer, journaling, and meditating on Scripture. Proverbs 3:5–6 became her lifeline: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Turning Tragedy Into Purpose
Hope refused to allow her children’s story to end in silence. Through her social media platform Hope In The Pain, she shares encouragement, faith, and the reality of walking through grief with God. She also hosts the Voices Against Filicide Podcast, raising awareness about domestic violence, the abuse cycle, and cases of child homicide across the country.

Honoring Alec and Lydia Through Advocacy
Hope is now working with Arizona lawmakers to create stronger protections for children in custody cases. Her advocacy is helping bring critical attention to how family courts handle domestic violence and mental illness when making custody decisions.

Resources MentionedHope’s New Memoir is Available TODAY (March 9):
There's Still Hope: A Journey of Adversity, Tragedy, and Unbreakable Faith

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1969338903

Arizona Legislation Honoring Alec & Lydia
Arizona legislation HB2995 has already passed the Arizona House of Representatives and is now moving forward to the Arizona Senate. This bill, referred to as The Alec and Lydia Act, aims to strengthen protections for children in family court cases by ensuring judges receive training in domestic violence, coercive control, trauma response, and mental illness when making custody decisions.

Please join us in praying that this legislation passes the Arizona Senate, helping protect vulnerable children and families across the state.

Hope’s Podcast:
Voices Against Filicide

Follow Hope on Social Media:
Hope In The Pain (Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube)

Hope’s Links and Advocacy Resources:
https://linktr.ee/hopeinthepain?utm_source=linktree_profile_share

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Have you ever looked in the mirror and quietly wondered, “Who am I really?”

Not what you do. Not the roles you play. Not what others expect of you. But who you truly are.

In this deeply honest and hope-filled conversation, I’m joined again by our team coach, Susan King, as we explore what Scripture says about your identity—not just your duties. Together, we unpack how Christian women—especially those in destructive or emotionally unhealthy marriages—lose their sense of self and how to begin reclaiming the woman God created you to be. If you’ve been pretending things are “fine” when they aren’t, this episode will gently guide you back to truth, clarity, and courage.

Key Takeaways1. You Are Called to Be, Not Just to DoSo many women are taught their role—wife, mom, helper—but not their identity. Yet Scripture tells us something far deeper.

You are God’s handiwork (Ephesians 2:10). You are a chosen daughter, a royal priesthood, set apart and beloved. Before you accomplish anything, before you serve anyone, your identity is secure in Christ.

When we begin reading the Bible not as a rulebook but as a mirror—asking, “What does this say about who God is and who I am?”—everything changes.

1. If You’ve Been Pretending, It’s Time to Come Home to YourselfOne brave listener asked, “How do I find out who I am? I feel like I’ve been pretending most of my life.”

If that’s you, start here:

• What have you been pretending to be?
• What would change if you stopped pretending?
• What virtues reflect who you truly are?

Your identity is not your temporary emotions. It’s not others’ opinions. It’s rooted in your God-given character and values.

Notice when you lose track of time because you’re fully alive. Notice what brings you joy. Notice what stirs your heart. These clues aren’t selfish—they’re sacred.

1. Why So Many Christian Women Lose ThemselvesIn destructive or controlling marriages, women often experience subtle erosion—constant undermining, gaslighting, or isolation. Over time, they internalize the belief that their thoughts, needs, and feelings don’t matter.

But even in “good” marriages, many women self-abandon. We’ve been taught that becoming “one” means losing ourselves. That loving means over-functioning. That serving means silencing our voice.

That is not biblical oneness. That is erasure.

Healthy oneness honors two whole people—each with a voice, a body, and a soul.

1. Caring for Yourself Is Stewardship, Not SelfishnessSo many women struggle with shame when they begin asking, “What do I need?”

But Scripture never calls you to neglect yourself. Jesus modeled rest, solitude, nourishment, and boundaries.

Stewarding your one precious life is not self-absorption—it’s obedience. When your tank is empty, you cannot love wisely. Putting your oxygen mask on first isn’t selfish; it’s responsible.

Ask yourself:

• What brought me joy today?
• What drained me?
• What small change would help me show up as my best self?

Small awareness leads to big transformation.

1. “He’s Fine”… But You’re NotOne of the most painful dynamics women describe is this:
   “My husband acts like everything is fine. And I start doubting myself.”

Here’s the truth:
Things may genuinely be fine for him.

But that doesn’t mean they’re fine for you.

You are allowed to be a separate self with separate experiences. Instead of arguing about whether things are “really fine,” try saying:
“I understand that this feels okay to you. But it’s not okay for me. And that matters.”

Healthy love cares when something isn’t fine for the other person.

If you’re realizing that you’ve lost sight of who you are…
If you’ve been stuck pretending…
If you feel erased in your own life…

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Join Walking in CORE Strength, our transformational program designed to help you rediscover your voice, rebuild your confidence, and grow strong from the inside out—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Learn more and join here:
👉 https://leslievernick.com/strong

Sweet friend, you are not just a role.
You are not invisible.
You are not too much—or not enough.

You are God’s beloved daughter.

Even if you’ve been pretending for years, it is not too late to come home to yourself. With God’s help and a little courage, you can grow into the strong, dignified, wise woman He created you to be.

You are not alone.
And change is possible.

Until next time, take gentle care of your heart.

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Have you ever thought you finally met the right one—only to discover, painfully, that everything he said was a lie?

In this powerful and deeply personal episode, Leslie Vernick sits down with media expert and speaker Beverly Hallberg to unpack her harrowing journey through a deceptive and destructive marriage. From whirlwind courtship to abuse behind closed doors, Beverly opens up about the spiritual confusion, grief, and courage it took to get free—and the God who never left her. This is an episode every woman navigating confusing relationship dynamics needs to hear.

Key Takeaways“He Wasn’t Who He Said He Was”: The Power of DeceptionBeverly shares how her abuser cloaked himself in faith, family values, and kindness—appearing to be the ideal match. But soon after the wedding, the mask dropped. She explains how yellow flags were hidden in grief, charm, and shared spiritual language, making discernment incredibly difficult.
→ You’re not foolish if you didn’t see it. These relationships are built on intentional deceit.

When Abuse is Emotional, Mental, and SpiritualFrom subtle sabotage to explosive rage and spiritual manipulation, Beverly's marriage wasn’t just disappointing—it was destructive. She bravely recounts the patterns of control, harm, and gaslighting that unraveled her emotionally and physically.
→ Abuse is not just about bruises. It’s about patterns that diminish, devalue, and destroy.

God Doesn’t Value Marriage Over SafetyWrestling with Scripture and shame, Beverly found clarity in truth: God cares more about the people in the marriage than preserving the institution at all costs. Biblical wisdom and wise counsel helped her see that staying would harm not just her—but enable his sin.
→ God does not call you to stay in harm’s way to keep a vow someone else already broke.

Healing Isn’t Linear—but It’s RealBeverly shares her long road back to emotional and spiritual wholeness. From losing her in-laws to enduring an ectopic pregnancy alone, her healing came through community, Scripture, and reclaiming her voice.
→ You can heal. It takes time, safe people, and honesty—but freedom is possible.

To the Woman Who Feels Stuck: You Are Not AloneSpeaking directly to women who may not have the resources or support Beverly did, she offers wisdom on safety planning, building a support system, and why even one safe parent can make all the difference for children.
→ The first step is to tell someone. God will meet you as you take that step.

Personal InvitationIf Beverly’s story hit close to home, you might be wondering, How am I supposed to be OK, when he's not? That’s a critical question, and you don’t have to answer it alone. Leslie is offering a free, faith-based webinar designed to give you the clarity and confidence to take your next right step.

During this free training, we will cover:

• How to clearly define your problem, the other person’s problem (at least in your opinion), and the problem in your relationship.
• The difference between love that’s motivated by fear and love that’s motivated by freedom—and what it takes to make the switch.
• How to listen beneath the surface of nice words, flattery, and love bombing to discern what’s true so that you can make good choices going forward.
• How to build your own internal strength so that his weaknesses—or yours—don’t get the best of you.
• ...and much more.

Reserve your spot now: https://leslievernick.com/problem

Beloved, God sees. He sees your tears, your confusion, your exhaustion—and He cares. You are not alone, and you are not beyond hope. No matter how deep the pain or how tangled the web, God is a God of truth, healing, and freedom. You don’t have to figure it all out today. Just take the next brave step.

You were made for more than survival. You were made to live in peace, truth, and safety.

Watch Mike Winger’s message on abuse and divorce: View Here

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When Should I Talk to a Lawyer (Even If I'm Not Planning to Divorce?)Have you ever wondered if reaching out to a lawyer makes you disloyal—or unfaithful—to your marriage or to God?
Many Christian women in painful or destructive relationships fear that even considering legal advice is a betrayal. But today’s episode is here to shine light on the truth: seeking legal counsel doesn’t mean you’re filing for divorce—it means you’re taking wise, informed steps to protect yourself, your children, and your peace of mind.

Leslie welcomes back trusted friend and family law attorney Maryann Modesti, who brings over 30 years of experience and gospel-centered wisdom to this critical conversation. Whether you're feeling stuck, scared, or simply unsure of what’s next, this episode will empower you to walk in truth, courage, and godly stewardship—without shame.

Key Takeaways1. Seeking Legal Counsel is Not a SinTalking to a lawyer does not equal filing for divorce. It's a step toward wisdom, clarity, and stewardship.
God calls us to seek truth, especially when we’re confused or afraid. Consulting a lawyer allows you to understand your rights and responsibilities and prepares you for whatever path you may need to take next.

1. Red Flags That Signal It’s Time to Get InformationSubtle but destructive behaviors—like isolation, financial control, hidden assets, gaslighting, or coercion—can erode your identity and safety. If you're constantly doubting yourself or feel emotionally trapped, it's time to seek clarity from a legal professional—even if you're not ready to leave.

2. Delay Can Have Serious ConsequencesWaiting too long can cost you financially, emotionally, and relationally—especially when children are involved. Without legal awareness, women risk losing financial control, custody advantages, and personal agency. Abuse often escalates, and silence can cause deeper damage over time.

3. Choose the Right Kind of LawyerLook for integrity, experience, and someone who truly listens and understands the nuances of covert abuse, religious manipulation, or controlling behaviors. A trustworthy attorney doesn’t just fight—she counsels, balances wisdom with practicality, and helps you discern the cost of peace over the cost of war.

4. You’re Not Being Ungodly—You’re Being WiseGod cares deeply about your safety, your sanity, and the well-being of your children. Seeking legal counsel is part of being a faithful steward of the life, resources, and role God has entrusted to you. Truth is never the enemy of faith—it is the foundation of it.

Need Help Navigating These Hard Realities?
If someone else’s behaviors are affecting your peace, we invite you to our free webinar:

I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay

You’ll learn how to set healthy emotional boundaries, recognize what's yours to carry, and protect your well-being even when others don’t change.

You Are Not AloneIf you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember this: gathering information is not rebellion—it’s wisdom.
You don’t have to make big decisions today, but you do deserve to understand your options. God is with you in this process. He is for your dignity, your healing, and your future. You are not powerless—you are being equipped. And we’re walking with you.

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Resilience After Abuse: What It Really Means and How to Rebuild

Key Takeaways

Have you ever felt so broken by your past that the idea of “resilience” feels impossible or even offensive?
You're not alone. In this honest and hope-filled conversation, Leslie sits down with licensed therapist and trauma expert Tabitha Westbrook to unpack what true resilience looks like after abuse, trauma, or coercive control. They explore how healing is not about forgetting the past or slapping on a spiritual Band-Aid, but about gently—and courageously—cleaning off your front porch, one step at a time.

If you're feeling numb, overwhelmed, or wondering why you're not "over it yet," this episode will ground you in truth, compassion, and practical steps to begin rebuilding—body, mind, and spirit.

Key Takeaways from Today’s Episode:

Resilience Isn’t Pretending It Didn’t Happen
True resilience doesn’t mean denying the trauma or "getting over it." It means facing what’s been dumped on your porch—the trash, the rats, the grief—and slowly beginning to clean it up. You may not have caused the mess, but you are worthy of healing and peace.

“You’re not responsible for the trash that was thrown on your porch—but you are responsible for whether or not you leave it there.” – Tabitha Westbrook

Healing Happens One Bag at a Time
You don’t have to sweep the entire porch in one day. Progress might look like removing one trash bag, asking a friend for help, or simply opening the front door. Healing is a slow, strengthening process. Each step builds capacity and courage.

“Even if all you do today is open the door and breathe, that’s progress.”

Boundaries Are Part of Resilience
Setting healthy boundaries with people who have harmed you—or who continue to—is not unloving. It’s wise. And sometimes, healing means evaluating whether certain relationships need to shift or even end. But estrangement isn’t always the only option.

“Resilience includes discernment—who gets to come to the gate, who stays on the sidewalk, and who doesn’t get to be in your yard at all.”

Your Body Is Not the Enemy—It’s a Messenger
Many women have been taught to ignore their feelings or bodily cues, especially in the church. But trauma is stored in the body, and your body can alert you to danger or truth—even when your mind can’t make sense of it. Learning to listen to your body is a sacred act of healing.

“Your shoulders don’t have lips—but they speak through tension, pain, and nausea. Listen to what your body is trying to tell you.”

Triggers Are Opportunities, Not Failures
If you're still getting triggered, it doesn’t mean you're failing. It means your body is showing you something that still needs tending. Healing is not linear—and it never ends this side of heaven. But each trigger is an invitation to deeper understanding and growth.

“When you’re triggered, it’s not time to shame yourself. It’s time to ask: What is this showing me? Where do I still need care and kindness?”

Feeling Stuck? You're Not Alone—And You’re Not Broken.

If you’re in a season where even opening your front door feels impossible, please know this: You don't have to do it alone. Asking for help is a holy, courageous first step. Whether it's a friend, a support group, or a therapist, reaching out can be the beginning of your transformation.

Final Encouragement

Sweet friend, healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel pain again—it means the pain won’t own you. You were made for more than just surviving. With God’s help and your brave yes, you can rebuild your life, reclaim your voice, and rediscover your worth.

You are not too far gone. You are not too broken. And you are not alone.

Learn more about Tabitha and her book: Body and Soul: Healed and Whole
https://www.tabithawestbrook.com

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When Healing Isn’t Instant: Reframing Mental Health, Faith, and Finding Your Next StepHave you ever wondered if your struggles with anxiety, depression, or trauma mean you're not “spiritual enough”? Maybe you've tried praying harder, reading your Bible more, or pushing yourself to “have more faith,” yet you're still stuck. If so, you're not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong.

In this heartfelt episode, I sit down with one of our incredible coaches, Susan King, to explore the shame many women feel around mental health and emotional struggles. Together, we unpack harmful spiritual myths, why healing is often a journey, and how to take faithful, empowered steps forward—even when life feels overwhelming.

Whether you’re navigating separation, burnout, or simply trying to figure out where to start, this conversation will offer you clarity, comfort, and practical wisdom for your next step.

Key TakeawaysYou Can Love Jesus Deeply and Still Need HelpToo many women have been told that anxiety or depression means their faith is weak. Susan and I challenge this harmful belief, pointing to biblical figures like David, Elijah, and Paul—deeply faithful people who struggled emotionally. God meets us in our weakness, not with condemnation but with compassion.

Spiritual Maturity Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Hard EmotionsMisinterpretations of Scripture—like reading "do not be anxious" as a command rather than comfort—can lead to unnecessary guilt. Healing is a process, and God often uses tools like counseling, medication, and support to bring restoration. You’re not a failure if you need help.

Your Desires Matter—Even in the Messy MiddleWe talk about the tension between accepting your current chapter and still longing for something more. Is it wrong to want change? Absolutely not. God invites us to co-author our story with Him. Discovering your God-given desires and letting go of comparison is part of living authentically and faithfully.

Get Curious About Your Internal WorldWhen life feels overwhelming, it’s not just about a to-do list. Sometimes resistance comes from fear—of failure, disapproval, or making a mistake. We share powerful tools like brain dumping and identifying your internal vs. external work so you can get unstuck and take your next step with clarity.

Small Steps Can Shift EverythingHealing and change don’t require massive leaps. A 2% shift—whether that's taking a breath, letting go of perfectionism, or asking, “Who do I want to be today?”—can redirect your day and your life. Start small, stay curious, and trust that God is with you in every step.

💛 Ready for Real Change? Join Us in Empowered to ChangeIf this conversation resonated with you, we’d love to walk with you further. Empowered to Change is our transformative coaching program designed to help women just like you break free from destructive patterns, build internal strength, and create real, lasting change—with God at the center.

👉 Join Empowered to Change today: https://leslievernick.com/growth

Sister, you are not broken beyond repair. You are not failing because you’re struggling. Healing is not a race—it’s a sacred journey. Whether you’re just beginning or you’re in the messy middle, know this: God sees you. He is with you. And step by step, with truth and grace, you can grow.

You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s keep walking in truth—together.

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What does it really take to go from paralyzing fear and emotional confusion to courageous clarity and freedom? In Part 2 of our conversation, Coach LeAnne Parsons continues her heart-stirring dialogue with three women who bravely walked the journey of healing inside Empowered to Change. This week, we go deeper—unpacking the exact tools, mindset shifts, and faith-filled decisions that helped them disentangle their lives and rediscover who they truly are in Christ.

If you've ever felt stuck in shame, unsure if you could trust again, or wondered if real change is even possible—this episode is your answer.

Key Takeaways from Today’s EpisodeWhy They Finally Said Yes to Healing
Each woman shares her unique tipping point—the moment when the pain of staying the same outweighed the fear of stepping into the unknown. For some, it was physical symptoms. For others, it was the ache of isolation. But for all three, it became clear: it was time to stop surviving and start healing.

The Power of Safe, Christ-Centered Community
Healing happens in the light. From hesitant strangers to trusted sisters, these women describe how their Empowered to Change group became a safe haven where their stories were honored, their pain was validated, and their growth was celebrated—without judgment, shame, or superficial fixes.

Tools that Actually Change Lives
From practicing hard conversations in the mirror, to disentangling emotional confusion with thought journals and boundaries, these women used practical tools that reshaped how they thought, spoke, and showed up in their relationships. This isn’t inspiration for inspiration’s sake—it’s real transformation, step-by-step.

Confidence Built on Courage, Not Perfection
They didn’t wait until they felt “ready” or confident. They showed up afraid—but they showed up. And as they practiced courage in community, confidence followed. As Christine beautifully shared, “Confidence is the fruit of choosing courage—even when your voice shakes”.

Sustainable Change for the Long Haul
Nearly five years after completing Empowered to Change, these women are still growing, still connected, and still walking in truth. They’ve moved from reactive living to intentional, Christ-centered wholeness—testifying that healing isn’t a one-time moment, but a lifestyle of learning, growing, and living loved.

Ready to Step Into a New Chapter?If their stories stirred something in your heart, maybe it’s your time too. Empowered to Change is a six-month coaching journey for Christian women who are ready to stop surviving and start growing. Whether you’re in a hard marriage, dealing with past wounds, or trying to reclaim your voice—you don’t have to walk it alone.

👉 Join Empowered to Change and experience a safe, Christ-centered community where healing is possible and growth is sustainable.

Closing EncouragementSister, healing takes courage, but you don’t have to be fearless to begin. If you’re tired of the fog, the shame, and the loneliness, let today be your turning point. You are not broken beyond repair. You are not too late. And you are never alone. Let God be the lifter of your head, and let us walk with you into a new chapter of healing and hope.

Come and see—there’s more on the other side of your fear.

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Have you ever looked at your life and thought, "I can’t keep living like this… but I don’t know how to change?" You’re not alone, friend. In this powerful episode, you’ll hear from three courageous women—Rhonda, Jill, and Christine—who were once stuck in confusion, fear, and shame. Now, they stand rooted in truth, strengthened by faith, and empowered by the work they’ve done inside the Empowered to Change program.

Coach LeAnne Parsons sits down with these remarkable women, five years after their journey began, to reflect on where they were, how they’ve grown, and what God has done in their lives. If your heart feels heavy today, this episode will offer hope, practical insight, and a glimpse into what’s truly possible when you say “yes” to healing and to yourself.

Key Takeaways from Today’s EpisodeFrom Lost and Ashamed to Seen and Supported
Jill opens up about entering the program weighed down by shame, depression, and confusion. She believed she should have known better—but instead found a safe place where she was accepted, equipped, and no longer alone. Now, she walks in truth and dignity, not because life is perfect, but because she’s no longer powerless.

Rediscovering Identity After a Lifetime of Dependency
Rhonda shares how she entered Empowered to Change with no clear identity, having lived in deep dependency her entire life. Marriage didn’t fix her wounds—it exposed them. Through the program, she learned to recognize her God-given worth, reclaim her voice, and stand firm as a grown woman walking in wholeness.

A Journey from Confusion to Clarity, Rooted in Scripture
Christine recounts her fear and confusion before starting the program—feeling small, stuck, and isolated. But through scriptural truth, community support, and courageous steps, she’s now a Bible teacher and advocate, using her story to help other women find their way out of the dark.

The Power of Safe Community and Shared Growth
All three women emphasized how healing was multiplied in the context of safe, God-centered community. Their friendships have lasted well beyond the program, showing that transformation isn’t just a personal journey—it thrives in connection with others who see your pain, remind you of your truth, and cheer you on.

Practical Tools that Build Emotional and Spiritual Resilience
From practicing healthy detachment, to learning how to speak up with confidence, to identifying cycles of dysfunction—these women testify that real tools and real growth are available. And while the journey wasn’t easy, it was absolutely worth it.

Ready to Step Into Your Own Healing?If you resonated with Rhonda, Jill, or Christine’s stories, let this be your nudge. Empowered to Change is a six-month group coaching program for Christian women who are ready to take brave steps toward clarity, healing, and confidence. You’ll be supported every step of the way by a dedicated coach and a compassionate community.

👉 Join Empowered to Change today and discover how to rewrite your story—not as the victim, but as the hero God created you to be.

Closing EncouragementSweet sister, you are not too far gone, too broken, or too late. God’s mercies are new every morning, and healing is not only possible—it’s promised when we walk with Him. You are not alone. Your story matters. And with clarity, courage, and Christ, you can live free, whole, and empowered.

Don’t miss Part 2 of this powerful conversation—coming next week, right here on Relationship Truth Unfiltered.

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Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to love again after your heart has been shattered? Maybe you've walked through a painful divorce, betrayal, or even the loss of someone dear—and the thought of opening your heart again feels terrifying, or even wrong. In today’s powerful episode, Leslie sits down with Michelle Hord, author of The Other Side of Yet, a woman who has endured the unimaginable: the murder of her daughter by her abusive ex-husband.

But this is not just a story of tragedy—it's a story of grace, growth, and God's unexpected redemption.

Michelle returns to share the sacred, surprising journey of rebuilding her life, falling in love again, and finding joy in a new marriage and motherhood after loss. She offers faith-filled wisdom on doing the internal work, discerning true safety, and honoring both grief and growth. If you’re wondering if God can write a new chapter in your story—this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways:

Healing Comes Before Rebuilding
Michelle didn’t go searching for love—she focused on healing. Through grief, therapy, prayer, and service, she slowly began to rebuild from the inside out. She emphasizes that true readiness for a new relationship starts with doing your own work, not rushing into rescue.

“You have one Savior—and you won’t meet Him at church or a party. Don’t look for someone to rescue you when God is the One writing your rescue story.”

Emotional Safety Is Non-Negotiable
After surviving emotional abuse, Michelle shares how she learned to recognize and prioritize safety over charm. In her new relationship, she tested boundaries, voiced concerns early, and paid attention to how her new partner responded to her “no.”

“I realized that God doesn't want me to be with someone I fear. Respect, kindness, and feeling cherished are non-negotiables—not luxuries.”

Guilt Isn’t a Prerequisite for Grief
Michelle vulnerably shares the emotional tension of finding joy again after her daughter’s death—and how she wrestled with feeling “allowed” to experience happiness. She reminds us that grief and joy can coexist, and choosing joy honors those we've lost.

“God's purpose for me didn't end with my daughter’s death. Joy doesn’t erase grief—it expands around it.”

Redefining Strength and Speaking Up
Many Christian women were never taught to know or express their needs. Michelle explains how learning to speak honestly, set boundaries, and stop minimizing her discomfort was key to breaking unhealthy patterns and cultivating real intimacy.

“We often teach others how to treat us by what we tolerate. Don’t make yourself smaller for someone else’s comfort.”

There Is Life After the Valley
Today, Michelle is remarried to a man who cherishes her, and they share a son, Alexander. Her journey proves that even after devastation, God is still writing beautiful new chapters—not in spite of the pain, but through it.

“God’s mercies are new every morning. He can bring light out of your darkest place—and it doesn't mean you’re forgetting what came before.”

Personal Invitation: Ready for a Breakthrough?

If you're resonating with Michelle’s story and wondering how to begin again—or even if you can—then don’t miss Leslie’s upcoming free webinar, Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Moving from Breakdown to Breakthrough.

You’ll gain clarity, courage, and biblical tools to stop spinning in circles and start stepping into healing.

Register now at: leslievernick.com/stuck

Closing Encouragement

Friend, if you're listening today and your heart is aching, please hear this: your story is not over. What you’ve endured does not disqualify you from love, joy, or a meaningful life. Whether your grief is public or private, whether your pain feels “big enough” or not—God sees you. And He is not done.

You may not have chosen the pain in your past—but you can choose your next step. As Michelle says, “There is always a yet.” And God is in the business of turning that “yet” into your next.

Hold on. Healing is possible. With God’s help, you can learn to live, hope, and love again.

Listen to the full first episode with Michelle here: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-f52fe-16f28e1

Learn more about Gabrielle’s Wings or support Michelle’s nonprofit: gabrielleswings.com

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Over-Functioning During the Holidays: Why Boundaries Matter More Than EverDo you dread the holidays—not because you don’t love your people—but because you're already feeling stretched thin, emotionally exhausted, and maybe even a little resentful?

You’re not alone.

This week, Leslie Vernick and Coach Diana unpack what it looks like to stop over-functioning during the holidays by learning how to set boundaries—clearly, kindly, and biblically. From role-playing difficult conversations to exploring the internal guilt and fear many women wrestle with, this episode is packed with faith-filled insight and practical tools to help you protect your peace and prioritize what matters most.

If you’ve ever felt selfish for saying “no” or guilty for disappointing others, this conversation will give you the clarity and courage you need to love well—without losing yourself.

Key Takeaways1. Boundaries Are God’s Design, Not RebellionBoundaries aren’t selfish—they’re sacred. God set boundaries in creation, and He calls us to do the same. Boundaries reflect His nature of order, peace, and love. When we set boundaries, we’re not being harsh—we’re honoring God’s call to steward our time, energy, and hearts.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." – Proverbs 4:23

1. Love Without Boundaries Isn’t Love—It’s ControlWhen we can’t say no, our yes becomes meaningless. Love that’s forced or rooted in fear isn’t love at all—it’s obligation. God never forces us into relationship with Him. He invites, never invades. In the same way, healthy love must include freedom and choice.

2. Role-Playing Real-Life Scenarios Builds ConfidenceLeslie and Diana walk through real examples—like refusing to host Christmas, saying no to dog-sitting, or sticking to a spending limit. Each scenario highlights how to express a firm and loving no without over-explaining, defending, or absorbing guilt. These scripts show how clarity and compassion can coexist.

3. You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s DisappointmentSomeone else’s sadness, frustration, or manipulation does not mean you’ve done something wrong. Healthy boundaries often expose unhealthy dynamics. When others push back, it reveals their reliance on your compliance—not your care.

"Let them have their feelings. It’s not your job to manage their emotions—it’s your job to steward your obedience to God."

1. Practical Tools for Calming the Guilt and Holding the LineYou’ll learn how to:

2. Prepare for pushback by getting clear with God ahead of time

3. Use breathwork and body-awareness to stay calm under pressure
4. Let silence do the heavy lifting after you’ve stated your boundary
5. Anchor your identity in Christ, not someone else’s approval
6. Use simple scripts to hold a boundary without getting defensive

A Personal InvitationAre the holidays bringing up anxiety instead of joy? If you’re tired of the pressure to perform, please others, or over-function to keep the peace, Leslie’s resources can help you create emotional and spiritual breathing room.

Register now for Leslie’s free workshop:
Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Moving from Breakdown to Breakthrough
Thursday, December 4th at 12pm or 7:30pm ET
leslievernick.com/stuck

Final EncouragementFriend, you don’t have to be everything to everyone this holiday season. You don’t need to hustle for love or sacrifice your sanity to make others happy. Boundaries aren’t walls to shut people out—they’re gates that let love in.

You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to say no—with kindness, clarity, and courage.

And when you do? You’ll be saying a much bigger yes to God, to emotional wholeness, and to the kind of love that sets both you and others free.

You’ve got this—with God’s help.

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How to Discern a Safe and Godly Man

What does a safe and godly man truly look like? And how can you tell the difference between surface-level change and deep, lasting heart transformation?

In this powerful episode, Leslie sits down with Michael and Kristen Cary, founders of Living Truth and creators of Men in the Battle and Women in the Battle. Together, they unpack the hard but healing truth about what real repentance looks like in a man, how to spot red flags—even when he seems "nice"—and why women need to do their own healing work, whether or not their partner is changing.

With raw honesty and biblical wisdom, this conversation offers practical tools to help women discern character, build clarity, and courageously walk toward truth and safety.

Key Takeaways

True Repentance Goes Beyond Behavior Management
Real heart change isn’t just about stopping bad behavior—it’s about digging deep to understand the “why” beneath it. Men who are truly repentant aren’t just trying to avoid consequences; they’re broken over the pain they’ve caused, open to feedback, and willing to do the long, hard work of healing.

Women Must Heal, Too
Betrayal trauma doesn’t just disappear with his sobriety. Even if the sexual sin wasn’t yours, the pain and damage are real. Healing requires tending to your own wounds, setting boundaries, and stepping into the work of becoming whole again—regardless of what he chooses to do.

Believe the Behavior, Not the Words
Change is seen in fruit, not phrases. Many men can talk the talk—especially in Christian circles—but safety is shown through consistent actions: humility, accountability, respect for boundaries, and emotional maturity. If he gets defensive, blames, or minimizes your pain, those are red flags—not repentance.

When “Nice” Isn’t Safe
Just because he’s nice doesn’t mean he’s safe. Safety means he can hear your truth without punishing you. He respects your "no," honors your boundaries, and doesn’t manipulate with guilt, fear, or Scripture. A man who is truly safe will prioritize your emotional and spiritual well-being—not just try to keep the peace.

The Pain Must Be His Teacher—Not Yours
Sometimes the only thing that wakes someone up is the pain of consequences. Staying “nice” to avoid upsetting him often prevents the very growth that’s needed. Love does not mean enabling sin. Godly sorrow leads to repentance—not just sorrow over being caught.

If You're Struggling to Discern the Truth…

If you’re unsure whether your marriage is just difficult, chronically disappointing, or truly destructive, don’t stay stuck in confusion. Leslie has created a free Quick Start Guide to help you gain clarity, take your next right step, and begin walking in truth.

Download your guide here: www.leslievernick.com/guide

To connect with Michael and Kristen Cary and explore their healing programs for men and women:
Visit: www.living-truth.org

Dear Friend, God is not asking you to sacrifice your safety, sanity, or soul to save a marriage that is wounding you. He calls us to walk in truth, not denial—to speak up, not shrink back.

Even if he never changes, you can. You are not alone, and you are not powerless. With God’s help, you can move forward in wisdom, clarity, and courage—one brave step at a time.

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and while we wish this wasn’t something we needed to talk about, it’s a heartbreaking reality—even among those who profess faith in Christ. In this powerful and eye-opening episode, Leslie speaks directly to women who are suffering in silence, helping them understand the truth about domestic abuse through a biblical lens. If you’ve ever been told to pray harder, submit more, or suffer silently for the sake of your marriage, this episode is a must-listen.

With over 45 years of counseling experience, Leslie shares how abuse shows up in both obvious and subtle ways and offers practical, faith-based guidance for identifying abuse, responding wisely, and reclaiming your safety, dignity, and voice.

Key TakeawaysDomestic Abuse is Always Sin
Domestic violence isn’t just about physical harm—it's any pattern of dishonoring behavior, including emotional, verbal, spiritual, financial, and sexual abuse. Abuse is never justified, never excusable, and always sinful. God’s Word calls us to honor one another as His image-bearers, and repeated harm without repentance is not just sinful—it's destructive.

You Are Not to Blame
Abuse is not a response to being provoked. Everyone gets frustrated, but each of us is responsible for our own actions and words. Ephesians reminds us: “In your anger, do not sin.” An abuser’s choice to harm is not your fault. You are not to carry the blame for someone else’s sin.

Biblical Headship is Not About Control
True biblical headship is never about domination or coercion. Biblical submission must be freely chosen—not forced. When power is used to silence, manipulate, or intimidate, it is no longer leadership; it is oppression. God’s heart is always for the oppressed, not the oppressor.

God Cares About Your Safety
The Bible does not ask you to stay in harm’s way. Proverbs 27:12 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge.” God values your safety and sanity more than keeping up appearances. From Rahab to baby Jesus fleeing Herod, Scripture supports wise action to protect life and wellbeing.

Speak the Truth and Allow Consequences
Ephesians 5:11 tells us to expose the unfruitful deeds of darkness. Enabling sin through silence is not biblical. Loving your enemy doesn't mean tolerating abuse or reconciling without repentance. True change involves confession, visible repentance, and bearing the weight of consequences. Even David, though forgiven, faced the loss of his child as a result of sin.

Healing Starts With Truth and Safety
Are you feeling overwhelmed or unsure about what to do next? Start by taking one brave step toward truth and safety. Begin building a safety plan, speak up to someone you trust, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Romans 12:21 reminds us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” You are not powerless. Choosing what is good might mean leaving, telling the truth, or finally saying "no more."

If this episode spoke to your heart, and you realize you need help navigating a destructive marriage, please know you're not alone. We offer faith-based support and resources to help you move forward with courage and clarity. Visit https://leslievernick.com/guide to get your Quick Start Guide now.

Dear friend, God does not call you to suffer in silence. You are His beloved daughter, worthy of safety, love, and respect. Abuse breaks the covenant—not you seeking safety. Take heart. You are not alone, and with God's help, healing and freedom are possible. May you find the strength to speak truth, seek safety, and walk forward in faith, one brave step at a time.

For Biblical references, CLICK HERE

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Have you ever felt like you’re barely surviving behind the scenes while projecting a picture-perfect life to the outside world? You’re not alone. In this powerful episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Coach Diana sits down with Jeannie—a homeschooling mom, writer, and woman of deep faith—who opens up about her journey from silent suffering as a pastor’s wife to finding clarity, healing, and her God-given voice.

Through years of overfunctioning, pretending, and holding on to a crumbling marriage, Jeannie learned the life-changing difference between suffering silently and living in truth. Her story is raw, redemptive, and full of hope for anyone wondering if they’ll ever feel peace again.

Key Takeaways

Overfunctioning Isn’t Strength—Truth Is
For years, Jeannie believed that being a good wife meant suffering silently, forgiving endlessly, and making everything look okay on the outside. But through Leslie Vernick’s CONQUER and Walking in Core Strength programs, she discovered that true strength is not about carrying someone else’s sin—it’s about stepping into reality and living aligned with God’s truth.

Survival Mode Isn’t Sustainable
Jeannie’s life was marked by constant moves, ministry demands, and emotional neglect. She did what many women do—minimize, suppress, endure. But eventually, even her strong spirit broke. The turning point came not from hardship itself, but from being unseen, unheard, and spiritually isolated. That’s when she realized: living in non-reality wasn’t faith—it was fear.

God's Peace Follows Obedience to Truth
Learning the difference between forgiving and trusting, honoring God over pleasing people, and choosing obedience over image changed everything for Jeannie. Isaiah 54 became her anchor—God as her Redeemer and Husband. As she let go of false beliefs and idols like marriage and image, peace finally moved into her home and heart.

Purpose Can Be Reborn in the Ashes
After her husband left, God breathed life into Jeannie’s long-dormant writing dreams. Within hours, a publisher emailed to accept her article. Soon after, her children’s book was published. Her obedience opened the door for God to redeem her pain and restore her voice—not just for her healing, but for others.

You Don’t Need to Know the Whole Path—Just Do Today
If you’re stuck, afraid, or overwhelmed, Jeannie offers this grace-filled reminder: You don’t need to figure out the next ten steps. Just do today. One faithful, truthful step at a time. With God’s help and the support of wise others, you can do hard things—and you don’t have to do them alone.

Jeannie’s journey shows how easy it is to get lost in confusion, questioning your own reality and wondering if things will ever change. She learned that facing the truth, even when painful, was the very doorway to peace and freedom.
And if you find yourself wondering whether the man in your life is truly changing or just putting on another mask, there is a safe place to explore that question.

👉 Register for the free Conquer Workshop: Is He Changing, or Just Pretending? Click here to save your spot.

Friend, if you feel lost, confused, or weary from carrying the weight of a destructive relationship, take heart. You are not weak—your perseverance proves your strength. But you don’t have to live in survival mode any longer. God sees you. He values your voice. And He is writing a new chapter in your story—one filled with peace, purpose, and unshakable hope. You are never alone when you walk with Him.

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Welcome to Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, where we bring truth with love to the tough topics of emotionally destructive relationships.

In today’s special Coaches Takeover episode, Leslie Vernick team coaches Diana Bala and Susan King dive into people-pleasing, insecurity, and the transformative path toward freedom in Christ.

We’re fresh off our 5-Day Insecurity Coaching Challenge—and in this conversation, we’re going even deeper.

In This Episode:

A recap of the 5-Day Insecurity Challenge:

Self-doubt
Shame and guilt
Perfectionism
The inner critic
People-pleasing

1. Highlights from the week:

   1. Women developing hope beyond shame and guilt
   2. Experiencing Scripture in new, life-giving ways
   3. Recognizing the hidden faces of insecurity

Key Insight: The Many Masquerades of Insecurity

Diana and Susan unpack the ways insecurity often masquerades as something good—but at a cost:

✅ Kindness

• Saying yes to everything, avoiding conflict
• Underneath: fear of rejection, desire to be liked
• Truth: Kindness includes boundaries

✅ Humility

• Downplaying strengths, deflecting compliments
• Underneath: fear of being judged, imposter syndrome
• Truth: Humility is not shrinking

✅ Responsibility

• Overfunctioning, taking on others’ problems
• Underneath: need to feel needed
• Truth: Healthy responsibility knows what is yours and what is not

✅ Peacemaking

• Avoiding hard conversations, keeping silent
• Underneath: fear of conflict
• Truth: Real peacemaking requires courage and truth

✅ Flexibility

• Always going along, hiding preferences
• Underneath: belief your needs don’t matter
• Truth: Flexibility shouldn’t erase you

Why Do We People-Please?

• To avoid conflict, rejection, or feeling like a burden

• It often begins in childhood:

  • Conditional love or safety
  • Messages like “Be a good girl,” “Don’t upset your father”
  • Approval as currency for worth

How Do We Transform?

Change your inner narrative:

“I must earn love” ➜ “I am already worthy.”

Embrace agency, reclaim your God-given identity, and practice compassion for the part of you that learned to survive by pleasing.

🌟 Featured Tool: The Truth & Trade ExerciseA simple, powerful way to interrupt people-pleasing patterns:

1️⃣ Pause & Name the Pattern

• Notice when you’re saying “yes” when you mean “no”
• Ask: What am I afraid will happen if I don’t please?

2️⃣ Identify the Hidden Belief

• E.g. “If I disappoint them, they won’t love me.”
• “Saying no makes me selfish.”

3️⃣ Speak the Truth

• “My worth is not dependent on someone else’s opinion.”
• “Boundaries create healthier relationships.”

• Biblical grounding:

  • “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?” — Galatians 1:10
  • “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” — Matthew 5:37

4️⃣ Make the Trade

• “I trade my fear of disappointing others for honoring my limits and values.”
• Then take the aligned action.

Next Steps

If you joined our challenge this week—you didn’t just learn about insecurity. You moved through it. But this is just the beginning.

If you’re ready to live out what you’re learning, join us in our Moving Beyond People-Pleasing Flexible Coaching Experience.

It’s time to move from:

• Performing ➜ Presence
• Guilt ➜ Groundedness
• Pleasing everyone ➜ Becoming your God-given self

👉 www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse
Groups start this week—plenty of times to join!

Final Words

“Thank you for letting us be a voice in your ear and a companion in your heart. You are not alone. You don’t have to keep performing for love that’s already yours.”

We’re closing out our Coaches Takeover for the summer but will return in the fall!

Until next time—be kind to yourself, stay curious, and keep moving forward.

Learn More & Join Coaching: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse
Subscribe for Updates: www.leslievernick.com

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📌 Episode Summary:In today’s episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, host LeAnne Parsons, Professional Certified Coach and trauma-informed practitioner on Leslie Vernick’s coaching team, sits down with Vickie a woman whose life was built on saying yes to everyone—until she learned how to say yes to God first.

From taking on adult responsibilities at age six to becoming everyone’s helper as a wife, mom, and ministry leader, our guest was admired for her generosity and "niceness"—but underneath was exhaustion, resentment, and a quiet spiritual disconnect.

Through the Moving Beyond People Pleasing program, she discovered the profound difference between being nice and being kind, between serving others and submitting to God's voice.

She shares how learning to pause, ask God first, and honor the boundaries He helped her set brought incredible freedom—and how the courage to speak up, receive coaching, and be honest with herself changed everything.

This conversation will inspire any woman who has ever felt burned out, invisible, or afraid to say no.

🔑 In This Episode You’ll Hear:* How people pleasing became part of her identity from childhood * The moment she realized “niceness” was costing her more than she knew * Why being honest with God and herself was the most loving thing she could do * What it’s like to speak up for the first time in a safe coaching environment * How biblical boundaries led to peace, clarity, and confidence in daily life * Why “If it’s not a firm yes, it’s a hard no” became a spiritual anchor * The beauty of flexible coaching and sacred sisterhood in a Christ-centered program

🧭 Key Quote Highlights:“I thought I was honest. But I was saying yes when my heart was screaming no.”

“I assumed I was serving… so how could God not be in it?”

“If I didn’t have a firm yes, the answer was a hard no.”

“God didn’t ask me to be nice—He asked me to be faithful.”

📖 Anchor Scripture:“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” — Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

🙋‍♀️ Are You Ready to Move Beyond People Pleasing?If this story hit home for you, we invite you to join our Moving Beyond People Pleasing summer coaching experience.
It’s flexible. Faith-centered. And filled with powerful tools, real-time support, and a community of courageous women walking toward truth, wholeness, and peace.

👉 [Link to Learn More + Sign Up]

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Have you ever felt like you were losing yourself just to keep the peace? That you were constantly saying “yes” when your heart was crying out “no”? If you’ve ever struggled with people pleasing—especially in the wake of betrayal or in the midst of a painful marriage—this episode is for you.

In this powerful Coaches Takeover episode, Coach Diana Balla and Coach Susan King are joined by Mara, a courageous woman who vulnerably shares her journey through profound betrayal, emotional trauma, and ultimately, healing and transformation. Mara opens up about how Leslie Vernick & Co.’s “Moving Beyond People Pleasing” flexible group coaching experience helped her reclaim her voice, clarify her identity, and set boundaries that honor her God-given worth. Get ready to be deeply encouraged and inspired.

Key Takeaways:

🔹 Trauma Opens the Door to Transformation
When Mara discovered her husband's decades-long betrayal, including hidden addiction and abuse, it shattered her world. But in the rubble, God met her. Her raw honesty about her trauma response—and how deeply betrayal by a spouse can impact the body and soul—will resonate with anyone who has felt broken by someone they trusted.

🔹 “I Didn’t Know It Was Abuse”
Before the discovery, Mara believed she was simply in a dysfunctional marriage. Through Leslie’s book “How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong” and the Conquer program, she began to see the patterns of manipulation, control, and gaslighting that had long been present. Her story illustrates how education and support can awaken truth and offer a path to freedom.

🔹 A Safe, Flexible, and Powerful Coaching Experience
The Moving Beyond People Pleasing group gave Mara the structure, support, and accountability she needed to begin showing up for herself. With multiple weekly call options, compassionate coaches, meaningful breakout groups, and a loving community, Mara found a space where she could be seen, heard, and healed—even when she had no words to pray.

🔹 From Silence to Strength: Naming Her Needs and Setting Boundaries
From rejecting fake flowers she hated to creating three pages of firm, self-honoring boundaries, Mara learned how to stop abandoning herself and start living out her values. One breakthrough moment? Identifying her core fear—being alone—and learning not to let it dictate her choices.

🔹 Healing is Possible, and You Are Worth It
With raw honesty, Mara shares how she moved from suicidal despair to spiritual connection, and how God faithfully met her—even in the silence. Her journey is a powerful reminder that healing doesn’t come from trying harder, but from training—and that transformation is possible when you stop people pleasing and start living from your God-given identity.

✨ Call to Action: Ready to Break Free from People Pleasing?
If you’ve been touched by Mara’s story and are ready to start your own healing journey, we invite you to join us for our 6-week flexible group coaching experience, Moving Beyond People Pleasing. Starting July 14th, this empowering program offers live coaching, a supportive sisterhood, and the tools you need to reclaim your voice and your life.

👉 Learn more and register today at: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse

💛 Closing Encouragement:
Dear one, you don’t have to keep living in fear, confusion, or exhaustion. You are not alone—and you are not powerless. God sees your pain and wants to meet you there. Healing is hard, but it’s holy work. You are worth the effort. Your story matters. And your life can be rebuilt—beautifully, boldly, and with Christ at the center.

We’re here with you every step of the way. Keep showing up. Keep training. And always remember: you are precious, you are loved, and you can be well.

🎧 Listen now and share this episode with someone who needs encouragement today.

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Are you constantly saying “yes” when your heart is screaming “no”?

If you’ve ever felt like your worth hinges on making everyone around you happy, this episode will speak directly to your heart. Coaches Susan and Diana pull back the curtain on one of the most sneaky and exhausting insecurities many of us carry—people pleasing. It might look like kindness on the outside, but underneath it’s often driven by fear, insecurity, and a longing to feel safe and loved.

In this honest, grace-filled conversation, they explore why people pleasing starts, how it hides in our habits, and what it takes to break free. You’ll walk away with powerful mindset shifts, biblical wisdom, and a simple but life-changing tool to begin honoring your voice without guilt.

Key Takeaways from This Episode:🎭 People Pleasing Is About Survival, Not Kindness
Many of us learned early on that approval equals safety. Saying yes, keeping the peace, and over-functioning became our armor. But as adults, that armor becomes a prison. True kindness includes honesty, boundaries, and self-respect.

💔 The Cost of People Pleasing Is Your Voice
When you constantly put others first to avoid rejection, you risk losing yourself. The result? Exhaustion, resentment, and invisibility. Susan and Diana break down the emotional toll of people pleasing and why it’s not selfish to want rest, space, or to simply say “no.”

🛑 A Pause Is a Powerful First Step
One practical tip? Pause before you say yes. Give yourself permission to check in—am I agreeing from love or fear? That moment of reflection invites the Holy Spirit to guide your response rather than your insecurity.

📖 Boundaries Are Biblical, Not Selfish
Even Jesus said no. He walked away from demands, rested, and stayed rooted in the Father’s will—not public opinion. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re unloving. It means you’re growing into the person God designed you to be—whole, grounded, and free.

💡 You Don’t Have to Earn Love—You Already Have It
At the core of people pleasing is the lie: I have to earn my worth. But Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ loved us at our worst. You don’t have to perform, prove, or please to be worthy. You already are.

Ready to Break Free from People Pleasing?Join our Insecurity Coaching Challenge, starting June 23rd. In just one week, you’ll uncover the roots of insecurity and gain the tools to reclaim your voice, set godly boundaries, and walk in confidence.
👉 Sign up for only $17: www.leslievernick.com/challenge

You Are Allowed to Take Up SpaceYou are not mean for saying no. You’re not broken for needing rest. And you’re not selfish for wanting to live honestly. The journey out of people pleasing isn’t about becoming hardened—it’s about becoming whole. You are already loved, already worthy, and already enough. Let today be your first step toward freedom.

💬 Share this episode with a fellow recovering people pleaser—you’re not alone.

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🌟 Episode Overview:Welcome back to Relationship Truth Unfiltered. In today’s episode, we go beyond the surface and straight into the heart of what it looks like to move from insecurity to identity, from people pleasing to peace. LeAnne sits down with a courageous woman who has walked through divorce, fear, performance pressure—and found her footing again in Christ.

This episode isn’t polished or perfect. It’s powerful, raw, and real.

Through this deeply personal and hope-filled conversation, you’ll hear:

• What life looked like before the Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge
• The surprising realization that even “strong” women can fall into people pleasing
• The “aha” moment when boundaries and God’s truth collided in the best way
• How Scripture became an anchor, especially Galatians 1:10 (NLT)
• What has changed since the challenge—and what’s still being practiced with grace

You’ll walk away feeling encouraged, grounded, and ready to take your next step toward freedom.

💬 Key Quotes:“Saying yes to others meant I was constantly saying no to myself.” TC

“God has a plan and purpose for my life—and I can’t fulfill it if I’m giving the best of me to everyone else.” TC

“Healing is not only available—it’s already begun.” LeAnne Parsons

🧭 Takeaways:* Insecurity and people pleasing can be subtle—and powerful. But they don't have to define you. * Boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re sacred. Especially when anchored in truth. * Your story can shift. And God will meet you in the middle of the mess.

📖 Scripture Anchor:Galatians 1:10 (NLT)
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

🕊️ Three Words to Describe Her Journey:Illuminating. Empowering. Liberating.

🔗 Resources Mentioned:* The Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge – https://leslievernick.com/challenge

🙌 Connect + Share:If this conversation spoke to your heart, we’d love for you to share it with a friend or leave a review. It helps more women find their way to truth, wholeness, and healing.

🧡 You’re not too much. You’re not too late. And you’re never walking alone

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In this heart-opening episode, Coach LeAnne Parsons takes us deep into the hidden ways insecurity can shape — and sabotage — our identity in Christ. With wisdom, compassion, and biblical clarity, she gently exposes how fear, shame, and striving disguise themselves as humility or responsibility, keeping women stuck in small stories that God never wrote.

This episode is a powerful primer for LV and Cos Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge Week, and it offers a blend of practical insight, Scripture-rich truth, and spiritual invitation to trade fear for freedom — starting now.

Whether you're confident in your calling or still wrestling with worthiness, this episode will remind you:
You are already His.
And that changes everything.

🔑 What You'll Learn: How insecurity quietly rewrites your story without you realizing it * The difference between true humility and spiritualized fear * What Scripture says about your unshakable identity in Christ * Common lies Christian women believe — and the truth that breaks them * Why "heartwork" is the missing piece in your healing journey * A behind-the-scenes look at the Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge Week* — and how to join

📖 Scriptures Mentioned:* Genesis 3 – The first appearance of shame * Isaiah 43:1 – “I have called you by name; you are mine.” * Romans 8 – Our adoption and inheritance in Christ * 2 Corinthians 12:9 – God’s power in our weakness * Ephesians 2:6 – Seated with Christ in heavenly places

❤️ Quote to Remember:“You cannot live out your calling while constantly questioning your worth.” – LeAnne Parsons

“Heartwork is the intentional process of inviting God to transform what’s going on beneath the surface — your beliefs, your wounds, your identity, your patterns.” –LeAnne Parsons

“We cannot walk in victory and believe we are failures.” – Beth Moore

🔗 Links & Resources:* 💻 Register for the FREE Moving Beyond Insecurity Challenge Week:
👉 leslievernick.com/challenge * ✍️ Want a journaling prompt or two from today’s episode? Join our email list for bonus content. * 📚 Check out Leslie’s books, coaching info, and Bible-based resources:
👉 leslievernick.com

🙏 Leave a Review:If this episode spoke to you, would you take a moment to leave a review? It helps more women find encouragement and truth in the middle of their own insecurity battles.

🎧 Subscribe & Share:Don’t miss next week’s Challenge Kickoff episode!
Subscribe wherever you listen, and share this episode with a friend who needs a reminder that she’s already enough in Christ.

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“People pleasing isn’t love. It’s fear dressed up as kindness.”

Have you ever gone along to get along? Said yes when you really wanted to say no? Diminished your desires, your boundaries, or even your calling—just to avoid conflict or gain approval? If so, you're not alone.

In this heartfelt and eye-opening Coaches Takeover episode, Coaches Diana and Susan unpack one of the most common struggles among women: people pleasing. With honesty, biblical insight, and hard-earned wisdom, they dive into the roots of this behavior, share real stories of personal growth, and offer gentle but practical steps to help you stop abandoning yourself—and start showing up with truth, courage, and strength.

Whether you've been stuck in patterns of self-sacrifice, afraid to speak up, or just feeling exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, this conversation will meet you with grace and give you tools to walk in freedom.

People Pleasing Is a Form of Self-AbandonmentAt its core, people pleasing happens when we silence our own needs, wants, or convictions in favor of someone else’s. Whether out of fear of rejection, a desire to keep the peace, or a longing for approval, this behavior often stems from insecurity and a loss of self. Susan shares how people pleasing is about needing something from others (like validation or acceptance) and sacrificing yourself to get it—often without even realizing it.

You Can’t Heal What You Don’t NoticeOne of the most powerful things you can do is pause and pay attention. Diana and Susan remind us that many women have been conditioned (in families, churches, or culture) to believe that “being nice” means suppressing their true selves. But without self-awareness, people pleasing becomes an automatic pattern that robs us of authenticity and connection. Naming it is the first step to breaking free.

Personal Stories Reveal the Cost of People PleasingDiana vulnerably shares moments in her life where fear of disappointing others led to missed opportunities—including a professional invitation she turned down simply because she didn’t ask for what she needed. Susan reflects on how being trained as a therapist to be a “blank slate” magnified her already strong pattern of disappearing for others. Their stories highlight how people pleasing may seem noble—but often leads to regret and invisibility.

Reclaiming Your Voice Takes Practice—and CourageBreaking free from people pleasing means learning to notice your own preferences, to ask for what you need, and to tolerate the discomfort of not pleasing everyone. This isn’t selfish—it’s sacred. As Susan and Diana point out, many women have never developed a strong sense of self, or it’s been erased by years of criticism or control. Rebuilding it is part of healing, and it takes time, support, and practice.

Your Purpose Matters—Don’t Let Fear Steal ItPeople pleasing often leads to lost opportunities, diminished confidence, and emotional exhaustion. But God created you with purpose and worth—and you don’t have to keep hiding or hustling to prove yourself. With the right tools and support, you can step into truth, draw healthy boundaries, and become the strong, faithful woman God called you to be.

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“You’re not alone, you’re not crazy—and with God’s help, you can build confidence and walk in truth.”

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Like you didn’t belong or couldn't trust your own decisions? Maybe you’ve wrestled with anxiety before speaking up, or feared being rejected in relationships. If so, you’re not alone. In this special “Coaches Takeover” episode, Coaches Susan and Diana get real about a struggle that touches every woman at some point: insecurity.

They peel back the layers to explore what insecurity really is, how it forms, how it shows up in everyday life—from career and finances to relationships and social settings—and how to move forward with confidence, clarity, and faith. With biblical insight, relatable stories, and practical tools, this episode will help you identify hidden roots of insecurity and take the first step toward freedom.

Understanding the Root of InsecurityInsecurity isn’t just a feeling—it’s often a long-standing belief shaped by past wounds, trauma, criticism, or comparison. Susan and Diana explain how insecurity is usually built on perception rather than truth, and how that perception becomes a lens that affects everything from your self-worth to your ability to make decisions.

Types of Insecurity—and Where You Might See YourselfFrom public speaking to parenting, marriage to money, insecurity shows up in many forms: personal, relational, social, professional, and financial. The coaches share vulnerable stories from their own lives (yes, even beach towel choices and Ph.D. paths!) to illustrate how insecurity can limit growth and paralyze action.

The Body Keeps the ScoreInsecurity doesn’t just stay in your head. It shows up in your body—through anxiety, overthinking, or even chronic stress. You’ll learn how physical dysregulation can keep you stuck and how being curious (not critical) about your reactions can be a powerful path to healing.

Shifting from Perfectionism to PurposeWhen insecurity drives perfectionism, it keeps you focused on your flaws instead of your impact. The coaches offer a mindset shift: let go of the need to be perfect and embrace being human. Showing up, even imperfectly, is powerful—especially when you focus on helping others rather than proving yourself.

From Shame to Strength: A Biblical PerspectiveGoing all the way back to Genesis, we see insecurity take root when we begin to question who we are and who God is. Susan and Diana remind us of the enemy’s tactics and encourage us to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10–12), standing firm in truth and identity as beloved daughters of the King.

You Are Not AloneFriend, insecurity may whisper that you’re not enough—but the truth is, you are deeply loved, uniquely created, and equipped by God for purpose. You don’t need to stay stuck in fear. With His help, you can show up strong, stand in your worth, and walk in freedom.

We’re so glad you’re here.

If this episode encouraged you, would you share it with a friend or leave a review? You never know who might need the hope and healing God has for them through your simple act of sharing.

Until next time, keep leaning into courage, wisdom, and the One who loves you most.

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In this tender episode of Unfiltered Truth, Coach LeAnne shares one brave woman’s deeply vulnerable question about parenting in the wake of trauma—and the grace-filled truth we all need to hear. If you’ve ever reacted in anger and wondered, “What’s wrong with me?”—you’re not alone. Through a trauma-informed, Christ-centered lens, LeAnne explores how past wounds shape present responses and offers practical tools to begin breaking reactive cycles with compassion, courage, and truth.

You’ll learn:

• Why trauma often shows up in parenting
• How to pause before reacting
• What it means to name your triggers
• How to repair ruptures and reset relationships
• Where God’s grace meets us in our weakness

Featured Scripture:

• 2 Timothy 1:7
• Psalm 4:4
• Psalm 139:23–24
• Hebrews 12:1
• 2 Corinthians 12:9

Resources Mentioned:
Read the full blog post: When Trauma Shows Up in Parenting → https://leslievernick.com/blog/understanding-and-breaking-the-cycle-of-trauma-responses-in-parenting/

Learn more about Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI): - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/trust-based-relational-intervention-tbri-works-leanne/

Want to coach with LeAnne or the team? Learn more about our community. Visit: https://leslievernick.com/coaching/

Subscribe to Relationship Truth Unfiltered so you never miss an episode!

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In this deeply personal and powerful kickoff to the Coaches Takeover Series on Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, join Certified Coaches LeAnne Parsons and Diana Bala as they pull back the curtain on their personal stories of people-pleasing, performance, and purpose—and how God has faithfully redeemed it all.

With warmth, honesty, and Christ-centered wisdom, LeAnne and Diana share how their journeys of healing led them to coaching—and why they are passionate about walking alongside women in emotionally destructive relationships today.

This episode will help you feel seen, known, and invited into your own transformation. You’ll discover that you don’t have to disappear to keep the peace, and you don’t have to perform to be loved.

If you’ve ever thought, “Maybe it’s me,” or “Is it selfish to say no?”—this episode is for you.

What You'll Hear in This Episode:* Personal stories of people-pleasing and the protective roles it plays * Moments of transformation that shifted everything * Why coaching is a sacred and powerful tool in healing journeys * How Scripture anchors the work of both coaches * Real, practical first steps to move beyond fear-based approval-seeking * Encouragement that you are not too messy for God’s love—or His purpose

Anchor Scripture:“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”— Galatians 1:10 (NLT)

Quotable Moments: “You don’t have to disappear to keep the peace.” – LeAnne
“People-pleasing wasn’t my personality—it was my protection.” – LeAnne
“It’s maturity, not selfishness, to know who God made you to be.” – Diana
“Your ‘no’ can be holy when it honors your God-given priorities.” – Diana

Ready for More? Learn more about coaching with our team:
www.leslievernick.com/coaching

Subscribe to Relationship Truth: Unfiltered so you don’t miss what’s next!
Share this episode with a friend who needs encouragement and truth today.
Leave a review—it helps others find the same support and strength.

Closing Prayer Highlight:“You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. And with God’s help, you can live in truth, walk in CORE strength, and reclaim your voice.” – LeAnne

Sneak Peek:Stay tuned for upcoming episodes featuring powerful client stories of transformation and live Q&A sessions with your coaches. Real questions, real answers, rooted in real hope.

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In this special episode, LeAnne Parsons (PCC, TBRI Practitioner, and coach on Leslie Vernick’s team) shares an exciting update. With Leslie’s full blessing and invitation, the coaching team is stepping in to bring a new Coaches Takeover Series to the podcast!

You’ll hear encouragement, real transformation stories, and coaching insights that align perfectly with the biblical foundation and trauma-informed care this podcast is known for.

Expect practical tools, Christ-centered truth, and deep reminders that your healing matters and your voice is not too much.

Highlights:

• Why Leslie invited her coaching team to take the mic
• What’s ahead in the new Coaches Takeover Series
• Why this message of healing, boundaries, and truth matters more than ever
• A personal encouragement from LeAnne

Galatians 1:10 (NLT) Learn more: www.leslievernick.com/coaching
Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review!

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Have you ever felt like you've lost yourself trying to make a relationship work?
You go through the motions, trying to be the "good wife," the "submissive woman," the "faithful helper"—but deep inside, something feels off. You’re exhausted, resentful, and unsure how you even got here. In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie welcomes psychotherapist and leadership coach Michelle Moffitt for a candid conversation about what it means to wake up, reclaim your voice, and start honoring the woman God created you to be.

Michelle shares her personal journey of trauma, toxic theology, and eventually rediscovering her worth and agency through therapy, self-awareness, boundaries, and faith. You’ll learn how to stop playing small, listen to your intuition, and begin transforming not only your relationships—but your life.

👉 Learn more about Michelle and her work at www.michellemoffitt.com

Key Takeaways:

💔 The Cost of Losing Yourself for the Sake of “We”
Michelle opens up about how early trauma and religious pressure led her to sacrifice her identity in order to find belonging. Many women will relate to that pull to be the perfect wife or partner—only to realize they’ve abandoned themselves in the process. Leslie and Michelle expose the lies women are told in church and culture, and the real cost of losing your authentic self.

🧠 Rebuilding Trust in Your Intuition and Judgment
One of the deepest wounds in destructive relationships is losing the ability to trust your own gut. Michelle introduces the SPACE tool (Stop, Present, Ask, Change, Express) to help you slow down and become more conscious of the beliefs that are driving your decisions. You'll learn how to retrain your brain to hear God’s voice and your own again.

🛑 Boundaries Aren’t Mean—They’re Holy
If you’ve been over-functioning or enabling dysfunction for years, stepping into new boundaries can feel “mean.” Michelle shares practical examples and scripts that helped her draw lines without shame or cruelty—and how those boundaries started to shift the entire relationship dynamic, even when it wasn’t received well.

🧩 The Power of the Enneagram in Healing
Understanding your Enneagram type can be a powerful tool for healing and growth—especially if you’ve been stuck in people-pleasing patterns or don’t even know what you like anymore. Michelle explains how the Enneagram goes deeper than personality tests to reveal hidden motives, helping you understand not only yourself, but others, with compassion and clarity.

🗣️ Reclaiming Your Voice—and Why It Changes Everything
Using your voice isn’t just about confrontation; it’s about becoming who God made you to be. Michelle and Leslie talk about the discomfort of change, the fear of being alone, and the beauty of showing up in the world as your full self. If you've ever asked, “What’s wrong with me?”—this episode will help you ask instead, “What’s right with me that I’ve buried for too long?”

🌱 Ready to Begin Your Own Healing Journey?
If you’re feeling stuck, silenced, or unsure of your next step, you don’t have to walk alone. Leslie’s Conquer program is designed to help Christian women break free from destructive relationships and find clarity, confidence, and courage—grounded in truth and God’s love.
👉 Learn more at www.leslievernick.com/conquer

💛 Closing Encouragement:
Sister, you are not selfish for wanting to be whole. God didn’t create you to be a shadow of someone else—He created you to reflect His image. As you reclaim your voice, your boundaries, and your purpose, remember: You are not alone. You are not crazy. And with God's guidance, you can do this. Step by step. One brave decision at a time.

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What do you do when trust is shattered, but no one around you seems to take your pain seriously?
In today’s deeply honest and hope-filled episode, Leslie sits down with Nick Stumbo, former pastor and Executive Director of Pure Desire Ministries, who opens up about his personal battle with pornography—and the profound impact it had on his wife, his marriage, and his ministry. Nick's story isn’t just one of addiction—it's about healing, honesty, and hope when everything seems lost.

Together, Leslie and Nick dismantle toxic messaging that pressures wives to “just forgive” or “have more sex,” and instead offer a biblical and brain-based path toward real recovery—one that honors both the betrayed and the struggler.

If you or someone you love is silently suffering in a marriage affected by pornography, this episode will remind you: You’re not alone, and your healing matters.

🔑 Key Takeaways:1. Pornography Is Not Just a “Men’s Issue”—It’s a People ProblemNick shares eye-opening statistics from Pure Desire’s recent Barna study, showing that over half of practicing Christians admit to viewing pornography, including 40% of Christian women. This isn’t about pointing fingers—it’s about lifting the shame and creating real solutions.

“Porn is not a minor issue. It’s undermining the heartbeat of our marriages and families.”

1. Real Healing Begins When the Struggler Takes Full OwnershipFor 10 years, Nick’s wife forgave his repeated confessions. But healing didn’t begin until Nick recognized the impact of his actions on her heart. It wasn’t enough to try harder—he had to go deeper.

“Her pain wasn’t the problem. My choices were. When I stopped minimizing her hurt and started listening, everything changed.”

1. Rebuilding Trust Requires Consistent Action, Not Just ApologiesNick offers practical examples of what rebuilding trust looked like in his marriage: weekly check-ins, recovery groups, full honesty, and showing—not just saying—change. He emphasizes that wives need to see patterns of safety, not just hear promises.

“Trust is rebuilt when words and actions align over time—not when you demand forgiveness before you’ve earned it.”

1. Churches Must Stop Prioritizing Reconciliation Over HealingLeslie and Nick both challenge churches that urge women to reconcile prematurely, while ignoring their trauma. Healing isn’t about keeping the marriage together at any cost—it’s about helping both people get healthy, whether or not the marriage survives.

“The greatest hope for a reconciled marriage is two healing people—not one healing while the other continues to harm.”

1. Community Is Essential—For Both the Betrayed and the StrugglerNick explains how Pure Desire’s gender-specific recovery groups changed everything for both him and his wife. In community, they found tools, support, and the courage to stop hiding.

“You cannot heal in isolation. We were never meant to carry this alone.”

💌 A Personal InvitationIf you're feeling exhausted, stuck, or unsure if your marriage can survive the devastation of pornography, there is a path forward. Whether you're the one who struggles—or the one who’s been wounded—your healing matters.

👉 Learn more about Pure Desire Ministries and find recovery resources here: puredesire.org
👉 Looking for support for destructive or emotionally abusive relationships? Explore Leslie’s programs here: leslievernick.com

💖 Closing EncouragementFriend, if you're hanging on by a thread, hear this: God sees your pain. He hears your cries. And He cares deeply about your healing.
You don’t have to keep doing the same destructive dance. Whether your spouse is ready or not, you can start getting healthy today.
There is hope. There is help. And there is freedom—one courageous step at a time.

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What if the marriage you fought to save was the very thing destroying you?

In today’s raw and courageous episode, Leslie sits down with Naghmeh Panahi, a woman many first heard about when she passionately advocated for the release of her husband, Pastor Saeed Abedini, imprisoned in Iran for his Christian faith. But behind the public story of courage and faith, Naghmeh was quietly suffering in a destructive and abusive marriage.

Naghmeh shares for the first time some of the hidden truths behind her story—how culture, Christian teaching, trauma bonding, and spiritual confusion kept her trapped in abuse, and how God gently led her out of the rubble and into healing. Her story is not just about abuse; it’s about redemption, truth, and discovering her worth as a cherished daughter of God.

Whether you’ve questioned if your marriage is abusive, struggled to reconcile your faith with your suffering, or wondered if healing is even possible—this episode is for you.

💡 Key Takeaways from Today’s Episode🔍 Abuse Isn’t Always Obvious—But Your Body Knows
Even after experiencing physical violence, Naghmeh didn’t initially see herself as an abuse victim. Cultural and Christian teachings told her to be submissive, to not trust her feelings. But she shares how her body, her spirit, and God’s truth began revealing what her mind had been trained to ignore.

🚩 Early Red Flags and Trauma Bonding
From the beginning, Saeed criticized her appearance, isolated her from her family, and crossed sexual boundaries during their courtship. These moments formed deep trauma bonds that left her feeling trapped. Naghmeh bravely names the molestation she experienced and the misplaced shame that kept her silent.

🛑 When Faith Is Twisted to Justify Oppression
Raised in Middle Eastern and conservative Christian cultures, Naghmeh was taught to value the institution of marriage over her personal safety. But she powerfully unpacks how Jesus does not call us property—He lifts, honors, and protects women. She reminds us that the God of the Bible hates the oppression of women, not those who break free from it.

💔 From Rubble to Revival—God Rebuilds
Naghmeh shares how, after her story went public, she endured severe backlash from the Christian community—but also found a deeper intimacy with God in the wilderness. Through tears, silence, and surrender, God slowly rebuilt her life, her joy, and her calling.

🌍 God Is Using Her—and He Can Use You Too
Now leading a thriving ministry reaching Iran, Afghanistan, and beyond, Naghmeh testifies that God still uses broken women. Her story proves that divorce is not disqualification—and that freedom leads to fruitfulness. Her vibrant joy and spiritual strength are evidence of God’s redemptive power.

💌 Are You Ready to Step Out of the Rubble?If Naghmeh’s story resonated with you, know this: You are not damaged goods. It’s not too late. You can get out. You can heal. You can rebuild.

🙏 Closing EncouragementSister, God never asked you to sacrifice your soul to save a marriage. He sees your pain. He honors your tears. And He’s not done with your story. Like Naghmeh, you may feel broken right now—but broken is not the end. It’s the beginning of something sacred, strong, and free.

Let God rebuild the ruins. Let Him plant deep joy where sorrow once lived. You are His beloved daughter—and your healing brings Him glory.

You are not alone.

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Have you ever wondered if healing is truly possible after the deepest kind of betrayal?

Maybe you’ve been carrying the weight of shame, confusion, or silence for years. Or maybe someone you love is walking that road and you don’t know how to help. In this honest and hope-filled episode, Leslie is joined by Tabitha Westbrook, licensed therapist, abuse recovery expert, and survivor, for one of the most vulnerable conversations we’ve had yet.

Tabitha courageously shares parts of her own story of sexual abuse—both in childhood and in marriage—and offers profound insight into what real healing looks like. Together, Leslie and Tabitha explore how trauma impacts our bodies, our faith, our sexuality, and our relationships—and how God gently invites us toward wholeness.

Whether you’re walking through this journey yourself or supporting someone who is, you’ll leave this episode with truth, compassion, and a renewed sense of hope.

💡 Key Takeaways from This Episode:💔 Healing Isn’t a Straight Line—It’s a Sacred Journey
Tabitha shares that healing happens in layers. Just when you think you're “done,” God may bring something new to the surface—not to punish you, but to lovingly bring it into the light. There is no shame in needing more healing.

🖐️ Your Body Wasn’t the Problem—Abuse Was
For survivors, it’s common to disconnect from the body or view it as broken. Tabitha helps us reframe that: Your body isn’t your enemy. Gentle, safe touch—even starting with placing your hand over your heart—can begin the work of restoring trust and safety in your own skin.

💬 The Church Needs to Stop Being Silent
Too often, women go to their pastors first—and are met with harmful advice or spiritual platitudes. Tabitha urges churches to get trauma-informed, stop shaming survivors, and become places of real healing, not deeper harm.

🕊️ Yes, We’re Talking About Sexuality—With Grace
From reclaiming sexual health to navigating masturbation, orgasm, and pleasure after trauma, Tabitha speaks boldly and biblically about the realities many Christian women face. God designed sexuality to be good—and healing in this area is possible.

📘 New Resource: Body & Soul, Healed & Whole by Tabitha WestbrookWe’re thrilled to celebrate the release of Tabitha’s brand-new book, Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control, launching April 1, 2025.

This groundbreaking resource offers a biblically grounded, trauma-informed path to reclaiming your body and restoring your sexuality in a way that honors God and brings healing. Tabitha gently invites readers into truth, safety, and wholeness—no matter how broken or disconnected they feel.

👉 Order the book here:
Tyndale House
Amazon

🖊️ Don’t miss the companion workbook, launching the same day, to help you go deeper in your healing journey.

If this episode spoke to your heart, don’t walk this path alone. Leslie’s Conquer Membership community is a safe, faith-based space for women healing from destructive relationships. Inside, you’ll find support, coaching, and biblical tools to help you walk in truth and strength.

👉 Learn more and join the waitlist here: www.leslievernick.com

🌟 Closing EncouragementFriend, if your story includes abuse, shame, or silence—please know this: you are not alone, and you are not beyond healing. God sees you. He is not afraid of your wounds. There is no part of your story too dark for His light, and no part of your heart too broken for His love.

Take the next step. Speak the truth. Healing is possible—one brave choice at a time.

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Is It Neurodivergence… or Abuse? One Woman’s Journey to Truth and FreedomWhat do you do when the man you married is beloved by everyone, but you’re falling apart behind closed doors? When he’s neurodivergent—and you want to be compassionate—but you’re the one carrying the entire weight of the marriage, ministry, and motherhood?

In this deeply moving episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with life coach, neurodiversity advocate, and former missionary Jenilee Goodwin. Jenilee courageously shares her story of being in a 23-year emotionally destructive marriage while also navigating the challenges of ministry, chronic illness, and parenting neurodivergent children.

Her journey—from burnout and confusion to clarity and empowerment—will resonate with every woman who’s ever asked: Is it really that bad… or am I just not trying hard enough?

With honesty, wisdom, and deep spiritual insight, Jenilee walks us through the complexities of differentiating neurodivergent limitations from emotionally abusive behavior, and how she found the strength to obey God—even when it meant letting go of everything she’d built.

Key Takeaways1. Neurodivergence vs. Destructive Behavior: How to Discern the DifferenceJenilee explains how difficult it was to separate her husband’s ADHD and possible autism from his emotionally abusive behaviors. The turning point? Realizing that neurodivergence doesn’t excuse a lack of empathy, unwillingness to change, or repeated disregard for her well-being. Diagnosis is not a license for disrespect.

1. When Ministry Expectations Keep You StuckAs a pastor’s wife and missionary, Jenilee felt enormous pressure to keep up appearances. But when her health began to deteriorate and her husband refused to share the load, she had to make a painful decision: obey the institutional church… or obey God’s whisper to “stop.”

2. You Are Not His Body and BrainJenilee describes the crushing emotional and mental labor she carried for her husband—being his memory, his planner, his spiritual leader—until she said no more. When she stopped overfunctioning, things crumbled… but clarity and healing finally began.

3. Obedience to God Sometimes Looks Like Letting GoThe lie that godly women must sacrifice themselves no matter what is one that keeps many stuck in harmful marriages. Jenilee shares how stepping into obedience—choosing truth over appearances—led to both heartbreak and unexpected joy.

4. Your Body Keeps the Score—But God Holds the PenFrom MS and fibromyalgia to chronic fatigue, Jenilee’s body bore the cost of the emotional toll she carried for years. But after she stopped rescuing her husband and started caring for herself, healing began—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Closing EncouragementSister, you are not selfish for needing rest. You are not ungodly for drawing boundaries. You are not breaking your marriage—you are breaking free from patterns that are breaking you. Obedience to God may feel like a fire, but on the other side is freedom, clarity, and healing.

Don’t wait until your body forces you to stop. Listen to that still, small voice. God is calling you into truth—and into life.

You can do this. We’re walking with you.

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Divorce is never the goal, but sometimes it’s the only solution to an abusive, destructive marriage. Yet, for many Christian women, the fear of financial ruin keeps them stuck in unhealthy relationships. Today, we’re tackling that fear head-on with financial expert Rhonda Noordyk, founder of the Women’s Financial Wellness Center and host of the podcast Disrupting Divorce Conversations for Women.

Rhonda has dedicated her career to helping women navigate the financial complexities of divorce with confidence and clarity. In this episode, she shares practical strategies for financial empowerment, ways to uncover hidden assets, and how to build a strong support team so that no woman has to walk this journey alone. If you've ever felt trapped by financial insecurity or overwhelmed by the thought of handling money on your own, this conversation is for you.

Key TakeawaysDivorce Isn’t the First Choice, But Sometimes It’s the Best Choice
Many women hesitate to leave abusive or destructive marriages due to religious or cultural conditioning. Rhonda and Leslie discuss why staying informed about your options is not promoting divorce but rather promoting wisdom and safety.

Building a Strong Financial Foundation Starts with Awareness
Whether you're contemplating divorce or just wanting to be more financially literate, knowing where your money is and how it works is crucial. Rhonda shares her Bridge Method, helping women breathe, build a financial team, and gather critical financial documents before making any decisions.

Common Financial Fears and How to Overcome Them
Fear of being destitute, of never being able to own a home, or of not being able to provide for children keeps many women feeling stuck. Rhonda walks us through the knowledge-experience-confidence formula that helps women step into financial empowerment.

Practical Steps to Uncover Financial Information
Rhonda shares insider strategies, including checking credit reports, IRS transcripts, and even using USPS informed delivery, to help women piece together their financial picture—even when their spouse has kept them in the dark.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Having a trusted support system is key. If you don’t know where to start, find a financial expert, a supportive friend, or even a private investigator if necessary. Rhonda’s resources make it easier to take those first steps toward financial security.

Resources & Next Steps Listen to Rhonda's podcast Disrupting Divorce Conversations for Women * Download Rhonda’s free resource: 6 Ways to Get a Fair Divorce Settlement* – wfwcdivorce.com * Explore Leslie’s coaching programs and community for faith-based support – leslievernick.com

Final EncouragementIf you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember this: You don’t have to figure it all out today. Just take one small step toward educating yourself and preparing for your future. God will guide your path, one decision at a time. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.

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What happens when the person you trust most turns out to be a stranger behind closed doors? Many of us go into marriage believing we’ve found a godly partner, only to discover deception, manipulation, and an unraveling reality we never saw coming. In this powerful episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko sits down with Isla, a woman whose marriage began with hidden debts, constant lies, and a suffocating sense of tension. After years of heartache, separation, and a journey toward personal transformation, she and her husband now walk a different path—one built on truth, respect, and a deeper understanding of God's role in their lives.

If you’ve ever felt trapped in a relationship where words don’t match actions, where confusion and self-doubt creep in, this episode will encourage and empower you with the wisdom, faith, and tools to step into truth.

Key Takeaways1. The Slow Realization of Deception
Isla’s story began with excitement and hope—she believed she had chosen wisely. But from her wedding night onward, subtle red flags began to emerge: small acts of indifference, shifting moods, and later, outright lies. She learned that deception doesn’t always come with blatant betrayal; sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of trust, the feeling that something is always just slightly off. If you feel unsettled in your relationship but can’t pinpoint why, it’s worth paying attention.

1. The Power of Denial and Overcompensating
   For years, Isla compensated for her husband's irresponsibility, picking up the slack and trying harder to make things work. She assumed his agreement with her concerns meant he would change, but true transformation requires action, not just words. Recognizing the difference between passive compliance and real accountability was key in her healing journey.

2. The Breaking Point: When You Can’t Walk Through the Door
   Sitting in her car, unable to enter her own home, Isla hit a moment of undeniable truth—her marriage was crushing her spirit. It wasn’t until she stepped back, created boundaries, and sought wisdom that she began to reclaim her life. Sometimes, rock bottom is the birthplace of transformation.

3. Healing Through Faith, Boundaries, and Community
   Isla's faith played a crucial role in her journey. She turned to Proverbs for wisdom, joined Conquer, and found a community of women who understood her struggle. Through this, she discovered that mutual, safe, and reciprocal relationships are God’s design—not a life of walking on eggshells. Healing required her to hold the relationship loosely, allowing her husband to take responsibility for his own growth.

4. Rebuilding with Wisdom and Caution
   After three years of separation, her husband had to prove his change—not with words, but with actions. Weekly accountability groups, personal counseling, and a renewed commitment to truth paved the way for reconciliation. Their marriage today looks nothing like before—marked by independent wholeness, clear financial separation, and intentional rebuilding. It’s not about returning to the old marriage; it’s about creating something new.

A Personal InvitationIf Isla’s story resonates with you, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Conquer is a transformative support community designed for women facing destructive relationships. You’ll find biblical wisdom, practical tools, and the support of women who truly understand. Learn more and join the waitlist at leslievernick.com/conquersignup.

Closing EncouragementIf you’re sitting in your car, afraid to walk inside, know this: God sees you. You are precious in His sight, and you deserve a life built on truth, respect, and mutual love. Don’t be afraid to take the next right step—one step at a time, one boundary at a time. You are not alone, and with God’s guidance, healing and clarity are possible.

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When the Church Harms Instead of Heals: A Conversation with Dr. Diane Langberg

Does the church always protect the vulnerable? Unfortunately, the answer is no. Too often, church leaders and institutions protect their own reputation, power, and influence instead of the wounded and abused. This episode is a crucial conversation with world-renowned trauma expert Dr. Diane Langberg, who has spent over five decades counseling survivors of abuse and working to bring truth and light into the darkest places within the church.

In this episode, Leslie Vernick and Dr. Langberg discuss how churches can—and must—do better. They expose the dangerous ways churches enable abuse, misuse power, and silence victims in the name of God. If you've ever felt unheard, dismissed, or spiritually manipulated by those in leadership, this conversation will offer both validation and hope.

Key Takeaways:1. Why Churches Struggle to See and Address Abuse
The church has been slow to acknowledge abuse within its walls. Too often, the institution is prioritized over the people. Jesus called leaders to "feed my sheep," yet many churches protect the system instead. Abuse survivors need churches that reflect Christ’s heart, not just uphold doctrine.

1. The Harmful Messages Women Hear About Abuse and Marriage
   Many women are told that preserving marriage at all costs is God’s will, even at the expense of their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. But God hates sin more than divorce. Jesus himself walked away from people who refused truth, and women are not called to stay in destructive relationships to honor God.

2. The Self-Deception of Abusive Church Leaders
   Abusive pastors and leaders often twist Scripture to justify their actions. They protect their reputations and minimize their sins, deceiving not only others but themselves. True repentance requires exposure and accountability, not secrecy and cover-ups.

3. How to Create Safer Churches for Abuse Survivors
   Churches must shift their focus from building large institutions to becoming places that reflect Christ’s love and justice. This means listening to survivors, seeking expert training, and prioritizing character over charisma in leadership.

4. God's Heart for the Wounded
   For those who have been harmed by their church, Dr. Langberg offers a powerful reminder: God sees, weeps, and hates the evil done in His name. He does not ask you to stay in an abusive situation. He is for you, not against you.

Resources and Next Steps: Dr. Diane Langberg’s book: When the Church Harms God's People* * Dr. Diane Langberg's website: www.dianelangberg.com * Leslie Vernick’s resources for abuse survivors: www.leslievernick.com * Need support? Join our private community for women seeking healing and guidance.

Final EncouragementIf you've been hurt by the church, know this: God is not like the leaders who failed you. He sees you, loves you, and wants you to walk in freedom. Your voice matters, and healing is possible.

Thank you for listening to Relationship Truth Unfiltered. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear it.

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Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of hoping things will change, only to be disappointed over and over again? Maybe you’re in a destructive marriage, and deep down, you know the truth... but accepting it feels impossible.

In this episode, Leslie Vernick and Julie Sedenko dive into what true acceptance looks like, especially for women in difficult relationships. But here’s the key: Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It doesn’t mean resigning yourself to misery. Instead, it’s about facing the truth so that you can take back your power and choose your next steps wisely.

If you’re exhausted from trying to change someone who refuses to change, this episode will help you shift your mindset and start taking care of yourself because you are worth it.

Key Takeaways:1. Healthy People Live in the Truth* Denying reality doesn’t change it, it only keeps you stuck. * Accepting a hard truth doesn’t mean you have to like it, but it does mean you can begin to move forward. * Resisting reality drains your energy. Facing it, even when it hurts, is the first step to healing and change.

1. Acceptance is Empowering, Not Defeating* Accepting the truth about your marriage doesn’t mean it will never change, but it does mean you stop relying on "hopium", the false hope that if you just try harder, he’ll be different.
2. When you accept reality, you regain your power by asking: “What are my choices now?”

3. Acceptance leads to action. You can start making plans for your well-being, rather than waiting for someone else to change.

4. You Have Choices, Even When It Feels Like You Don’t* If your husband refuses to change, you can choose how you will respond.

5. Your choices might include setting firmer boundaries, building financial independence, finding emotional support, or even considering separation.

6. Instead of waiting for someone else to rescue you, step into the role God has given you as the steward of your own life.

7. Stop Living Like a Doormat—Set Healthy Boundaries* Feeling like a doormat? That’s a sign you need better boundaries.

8. Being kind does not mean letting people take advantage of you.

9. When you start saying “no,” pay attention to how people respond. Do they respect your boundaries, or do they punish you for them? That tells you a lot about the relationship.

10. Taking Responsibility for Your Own Well-Being* If your needs aren’t being met in your marriage, you don’t have to stay stuck in resentment. Instead, you can take steps to meet them in other ways.

11. Stop waiting for your husband to make you feel valued, loved, or celebrated. Celebrate yourself.
12. God calls us to steward our lives wisely. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s responsible.

A Personal Invitation:Are you struggling to accept a painful truth in your marriage? You don’t have to go through this alone. Ready to take action and grow stronger? Walking in CORE Strength is a coaching program designed to help you build confidence, set boundaries, and reclaim your life. Learn more and join us here.

Final Encouragement:Acceptance is hard, but it’s also the doorway to freedom. When you stop fighting the truth, you can start making choices that bring peace, strength, and healing into your life. You are not alone, and God will give you the courage to take the next step.

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RESOURCES:
Join Walking in Core Strength Today!
Beth Allison Barr's website
"Becoming the Pastor's Wife" by Beth Allison Barr

What does it mean to be a pastor’s wife? Is it a God-ordained role, or has it been shaped by culture? And how do women in ministry or marriage find freedom when their identity feels crushed under the weight of unrealistic expectations?

In this powerful and eye-opening episode, Leslie sits down with Dr. Beth Allison Barr, a medieval historian, pastor’s wife, and author of The Making of Biblical Womanhood and Becoming the Pastor’s Wife: How Marriage Replaced Ordination as Women’s Paths to Ministry. Together, they uncover the hidden history of women in the church, the pressures placed on pastor’s wives, and the rise of complementarian theology that has harmed both women and men. Beth also shares practical wisdom for women navigating abusive marriages, ministry challenges, and the journey to rediscover their God-given identity.

Whether you’re a pastor’s wife, married to a man in leadership, or simply navigating the tension between cultural expectations and God’s calling, this episode will inspire you to seek truth, embrace courage, and step into the freedom God has for you.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Pastor’s Wife Role: Cultural, Not Biblical
   Many assume the role of the pastor’s wife is biblically mandated, but Beth reveals that it is a cultural construct that emerged in modern history. While the role can be valuable for those called to it, it is not the primary calling for all women. Recognizing this truth is freeing and helps dismantle harmful expectations.
2. Empowering Lessons from Black Churches
   Black pastor’s wives have historically embraced more freedom and authority in their roles, often co-pastoring or pursuing ministry outside their husband’s church. Unlike white evangelical churches, where the pastor’s wife is expected to embody the “ideal” biblical woman, Black church traditions emphasize authenticity and community support.
3. The Legacy of Women in Church Leadership
   The medieval church had space for women in leadership, with figures like Mary Magdalene, Hildegard of Bingen, and Catherine of Siena preaching and holding authority. Beth challenges listeners to revisit Romans 16, where women are commended as apostles, deacons, and house church leaders, proving that women’s leadership has always been part of God’s design.
4. The Rise of Complementarian Theology and Its Harm
   Complementarian theology, which ties women’s worth to their husband’s ministry, rose in the 20th century as a reaction to women gaining autonomy in society. This theology pressures women to prioritize their husband’s needs over their own, often leading to emotional and spiritual harm. It also isolates pastor’s wives, making it difficult for them to find support or speak out against abuse.
5. The Burden of Perfection and the Danger of Silence
   Pastor’s wives—and women in ministry—often feel pressured to maintain an image of perfection, from their appearance to their children’s behavior. This isolation becomes dangerous when they are in abusive marriages, as speaking out can cost them everything. Leslie and Beth discuss the importance of breaking the silence, seeking support, and prioritizing safety over the preservation of harmful institutions.
6. Becoming God-Centered, Not Husband-Centered
   Women are often taught to center their lives on their husbands, but true freedom comes from being God-centered. Leslie and Beth encourage listeners to seek God’s voice and ask, “What are you calling me to do?” Each woman is uniquely gifted and called for a purpose beyond cultural expectations.

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Episode Title: The Courage to Walk Away: Leah’s Story of Love, Loss, and Finding Strength

Introduction
Have you ever found yourself questioning everything you thought you knew about love, trust, and commitment? What if the dream you’ve been waiting for suddenly didn’t feel right? In today’s episode, Julie Sedenko sits down with Leah, a woman who was weeks away from getting married when she made the gut-wrenching decision to call off her wedding. Leah’s story is different from our usual guests—she’s never been married—but her journey of faith, resilience, and self-discovery will challenge the way you think about relationships, red flags, and the courage to choose what’s right over what’s expected.

If you’ve ever felt the pressure of time, culture, or expectations pushing you toward a decision that doesn’t sit well in your spirit, this episode is for you. Leah shares how she navigated an unexpected betrayal, deep grief, and the healing she found through Leslie Vernick’s coaching programs. You won’t want to miss the wisdom and strength that radiates from her testimony.

Key Takeaways:

1. When Love Doesn't Feel Safe
   Leah shares how she initially felt deeply connected to her fiancé—he was kind, communicative, and a gentleman. But things changed when they reunited after a period of long-distance. His sudden shift in behavior—being overly aggressive physically and dismissive of her boundaries—set off warning bells. While he never crossed certain lines, Leah realized his actions felt more objectifying than affectionate. This raised the question: Was he really honoring her, or was he testing how much he could get away with?

2. The Danger of Assumed Agreement
   Cross-cultural relationships come with unique challenges, but Leah had spent years preparing for this. She believed they had aligned on key values—faith, purity, finances, and family. However, as marriage became imminent, she discovered he had merely tolerated her views rather than sharing them. His ultimate admission? “I thought you would change your mind.” Leah’s story is a powerful reminder that assumptions are not agreements, and time does not equal trustworthiness.

3. The Devastating Reality of Calling Off a Wedding
   Leah’s decision to walk away wasn’t just about losing a relationship—it meant leaving her home, career, and the future she had envisioned. She grieved not only the man she loved but the life she had built. At almost 40, she also faced the reality that by the time she found another relationship, her window for having biological children might be closed. The depth of this loss was overwhelming, and she cried nearly every day for two years. But in the midst of her pain, she discovered a deeper truth: sometimes, walking away is the bravest thing you can do.

4. Finding Strength Through Core Principles
   As Leah sought healing, she discovered Leslie Vernick’s coaching programs, including Moving Beyond People Pleasing and Walking in Core Strength. These programs provided her with validation, support, and a framework to navigate relationships in a healthier way. Two key lessons stood out:

5. Courageously Committed to the Truth: Holding onto truth and boundaries is not harsh—it’s healthy. Jesus embodied grace and truth, and so should we.

6. Empathy Without Enabling: You can love someone deeply while still holding firm boundaries. Someone being upset with you does not make you a bad person.

7. Redefining the Finish Line
   Many women are raised to believe marriage is the ultimate goal, but Leah has come to see things differently. While she still desires a healthy marriage, she no longer sees it as a measure of her worth. “I know who I am, whether or not I’m married,” she says. “And I will be the same person if I ever do get married as I am right now.”

Final Encouragement
If you’re facing a difficult relationship decision, remember this: Yellow lights don’t turn green, they turn red. Ignoring the warning signs won’t make them go away. Leah’s story is proof that choosing integrity over convenience may be painful, but it leads to true freedom. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.

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Resources
Register for Leslie's Webinar, February 13: "I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay"
Think you might be in a destructive marriage? Get Leslie's Quick Start Guide here.

Do you feel like the weight of every decision in your marriage or family is on your shoulders? Are you struggling with a spouse who refuses to engage or, worse, actively makes things harder? If decision-making feels overwhelming and you're stuck in fear of making the wrong choice, this episode is for you. Leslie Vernick shares insights on overcoming decision paralysis, handling an unengaged spouse, and finding clarity even when the path forward is uncertain.

Key Takeaways

1. You Don’t Have to Make the Perfect Decision
   Many people stay stuck in indecision because they fear making the wrong choice. But the truth is, no one has perfect information all the time. Even a wrong decision can provide valuable insight, allowing you to adjust and move forward. Instead of viewing decisions as permanent, think of them as opportunities to learn and course-correct along the way.

2. Indecision Is Still a Decision
   Choosing not to decide is, in itself, a decision—with its own consequences. If you're paralyzed by fear or waiting for your spouse to take action, recognize that staying in limbo is creating an outcome, too. Instead of waiting for someone else to change, take responsibility for what you can control and move forward with wisdom.

3. How to Handle a Spouse Who Won’t Participate in Decision-Making
   If your spouse is disengaged, you have choices in how you respond: with resentment, with curiosity, or with acceptance. Ask yourself: Is he afraid of making mistakes? Has he been criticized in the past? Does he struggle with change? By approaching the situation with understanding rather than frustration, you can free yourself from bitterness and take action where necessary.

4. Understanding Fear and Avoidance in Decision-Making
   Fear can be paralyzing, especially for someone who has been conditioned to avoid risk. Some people resist making decisions due to past trauma, upbringing, or personality differences. For example, if your spouse grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished harshly, he may struggle to take initiative. Recognizing this can help you approach the situation with grace rather than resentment.

5. When You’re Not Allowed to Make Decisions
   What if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum—where your spouse makes all the decisions, even when they are harmful? If his leadership is damaging your family financially, emotionally, or spiritually, you may need to establish firm boundaries. Seeking wise counsel, setting limits, and refusing to enable destructive choices are crucial steps in reclaiming your voice and protecting your well-being.

6. The Power of Boundaries and Choice
   Having boundaries helps you exercise your power of choice. This is what I will do. This is what I won’t do. This is what I can do. This is what I can’t do. But setting boundaries also means learning to live with others’ disappointment and resentment. Whether it’s your children, spouse, or extended family, making decisions that are good for you—and ultimately for them—often comes with resistance. Accepting this reality allows you to move forward with confidence rather than guilt.

7. Living from Your Noble Self Instead of Your Emotions
   Acting out of your noble self means making decisions that align with who you are in Christ, rather than being driven by fear, resentment, or a need for approval. It’s about showing up in your life with strength and dignity, just like the Proverbs 31 woman. You don’t need to apologize for being wise, decisive, or courageous. God designed you to make choices, and embracing this responsibility is part of spiritual maturity.

8. You Always Have Choices
   Even in the hardest circumstances, you still have choices. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote that everything can be taken from a person except one thing: the ability to choose how they will respond. If you feel trapped in your marriage, your job, or another painful situation, start by asking: How do I want to be in this moment? What small steps can I take toward change? Recognizing your power to choose—even in small ways—can be incredibly freeing.

9. Trusting God in the Decision-Making Process
   God doesn’t expect you to make perfect decisions, but He does call you to trust Him and take action. The Bible says, “You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it’” (Isaiah 30:21). As you seek wisdom, make the best choice you can, and be open to self-correction when necessary.

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ResourcesRegister here for Leslie's free workshop, "I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay"
Leslie's Quick Start Guide

IntroductionHave you ever felt trapped in a relationship that looked perfect on the outside but was suffocating behind closed doors? In this episode, Michelle shares her courageous journey from hiding abuse within the walls of the church to stepping into freedom, healing, and a mission to help other women recognize when difficult crosses into destructive.

If you’ve ever questioned whether your struggles in marriage were just normal hardships or something more harmful, Michelle’s story will provide clarity, validation, and hope.

Key Takeaways1. Recognizing Red Flags in Christian Courtship
Michelle reflects on the early warning signs she overlooked during dating. While her relationship seemed like a picture-perfect Christian courtship, subtle yet significant issues surfaced: boundary-pushing, controlling tendencies, and an inability to respect her differing opinions. If a man says one thing but does another—especially when it comes to physical boundaries—that’s a serious character concern. A man’s integrity matters more than his words.

1. When Submission Becomes Oppression
   Michelle shares how scripture was twisted in her marriage, particularly regarding intimacy. Instead of mutual love and respect, biblical teachings were weaponized to demand compliance. She felt like an object rather than a cherished wife. This distortion of faith kept her stuck, believing she had to endure rather than address the toxic dynamic.

2. The Loneliness of an Unseen Battle
   Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking moments Michelle describes is standing alone in the kitchen late at night, feeling used and unseen, while her husband slept peacefully. She cried out to God, struggling to reconcile her suffering with the belief that divorce was not an option. Her prayers shifted over time—from asking ‘How long, O Lord?’ to pleading for rescue.

3. When Christian Marriage Advice Keeps You Trapped
   Books like Love and Respect made Michelle believe that if she just respected her husband enough, things would change. But no amount of respect can fix a heart unwilling to change. In a healthy marriage, both partners seek growth, repentance, and mutual love. The problem isn’t just about how a wife behaves—it’s about whether both people are truly honoring God in their marriage.

4. Isolation and Control: A Subtle Form of Abuse
   Michelle’s husband worked to isolate her from friends by criticizing their parenting or questioning their submission. She initially believed his concerns, but over time, she realized it was a tactic to keep her dependent. Meanwhile, he maintained his own friendships, often mentoring men and encouraging their wives to submit, reinforcing harmful dynamics.

5. The Breaking Point: When Abuse Turns Physical
   Michelle recounts the night her husband physically removed her from their car and abandoned her miles from home. Despite years of emotional and spiritual abuse, this moment shattered her sense of security. Yet, even then, she felt trapped, unsure of where to go or whom to tell. The shame of staying weighed on her, but she also feared the unknown.

6. A Divine Wake-Up Call
   In 2023, Michelle experienced a powerful moment with God—a dream, a whispered name, and a podcast episode that spoke directly to her situation. This was her turning point. She finally recognized that her marriage wasn’t just difficult; it was destructive. With courage, she sought help, setting boundaries and eventually moving out when it became clear her husband was unwilling to change.

7. Finding Strength and Support in Conquer
   As Michelle searched for answers, she discovered Leslie Vernick through a podcast with Lysa Terkeurst. She dove deep into Leslie’s teachings, and after joining the Conquer group, found the validation and strength she needed to break free. With guidance from a Christian counselor and the support of Conquer, Michelle gained the confidence to make empowered decisions for herself and her children.

8. Understanding True Repentance
   A key revelation for Michelle came from a conversation between Leslie Vernick and Chris Moles. She learned that true repentance isn’t just words—it’s a heart transformation. A truly repentant man focuses not on regaining control of his wife but on her healing and well-being. This realization helped Michelle recognize that her husband’s apologies lacked genuine accountability and change.

9. A New Future: Education and Independence
   Despite opposition from her husband, Michelle pursued a master’s degree, taking one class per semester since 2020. Now, as she approaches graduation in classical studies, she is excited about her future in education, curriculum development, and potentially women’s ministry. Her newfound independence is a testament to her resilience and faith.

A Call to FreedomIf Michelle’s story resonates with you, you are not alone. Abuse—whether emotional, spiritual, or physical—is not God’s design for marriage. You do not have to stay stuck. There is hope, there is help, and there is a way forward.

For more support, visit Leslie Vernick & Co. and explore resources to help you discern truth, find your voice, and take courageous steps toward healing.

Closing EncouragementYou are precious in God’s eyes. He sees your pain, and He does not call you to endure suffering in silence. If you are struggling in a destructive marriage, reach out for help. Healing, freedom, and a life of true peace are possible. You don’t have to walk this path alone—God is with you, and so is this community of women who have found strength to step into the light.

Stay strong, stay hopeful, and take the next step toward your healing journey today.

View Details

RESOURCES

1. Leslie's Quick Start Guide
2. Brad Hambrick's Blog: Why Is It So Hard to Have Constructive Conversations About Abuse?
   Church Cares
3. American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC)
4. Equip

Show Notes: Why Churches Resist Abuse Ministry

Introduction
Have you ever wondered why churches sometimes hesitate or even resist addressing abuse within their congregations? In today’s episode, Leslie Vernick unpacks this difficult but vital question. She shares her years of experience working with churches and individuals to create safer spaces for those harmed by abuse. Whether you’ve felt dismissed by your church, or you’re striving to bring change, this conversation offers clarity, hope, and practical steps forward. Together, we’ll explore why this resistance exists, what’s changing, and how we can be part of the solution.

Key Takeaways

1. The History of Church Resistance to Abuse Ministry

2. In the past, many churches believed abuse wasn’t a problem among Christians, leading to unsafe environments for children and vulnerable members.

3. Change was driven largely by legal and financial accountability rather than a proactive desire for safety.

4. Churches must recognize the reality of abuse and embrace preventative measures as part of their mission to love and protect their people.

5. The Misconceptions That Fuel Resistance

6. Many church leaders empathize more with the fear of false accusations than with victims’ lived experiences, despite false reports being rare.

7. Misunderstandings about what constitutes abuse—such as emotional or sexual abuse within marriage—prevent churches from addressing it effectively.

8. The Role of Leadership in Healthy Relationships

9. Biblical headship is about servant leadership, not power or control. Healthy leaders use their influence to empower and uplift others, reflecting Christ’s example.

10. Submission, as taught in Scripture, is a voluntary act rooted in mutual love and respect—not coercion or oppression.

11. Why Individual Healing Must Precede Marriage Work

12. Starting with marriage counseling in abusive situations often leads to failure. Individual healing for both parties is essential before addressing the relationship.

13. Churches can support this process by encouraging personal growth and connecting individuals with appropriate resources.

14. Resources to Equip Churches for Better Ministry

15. Free tools like the Church Cares Curriculum provide essential training for addressing abuse.

16. Leslie’s EQUIP group offers ongoing support and education for pastors, counselors, and leaders seeking to handle abuse well.

A Personal Invitation
If you’re a church leader, counselor, or someone who wants to advocate for healthier, safer relationships in your community, take the next step. Visit LeslieVernick.com to learn more about EQUIP and access resources designed to empower leaders and protect the vulnerable.

Change is possible when we open our hearts to God’s guidance and truly listen to the pain of those around us. If you’ve been hurt by the church or feel overwhelmed as a leader, know that God sees you and desires healing and growth.

Listen to the full episode now and share it with your pastor or church leader! Together, we can foster safer, healthier communities.

View Details

Hear this raw conversation with Julie Sedenko and Jessica about recognizing and escaping covert abuse in her Christian marriage

RESOURCES

• Leslie Vernick's website
• Leslie's Quick Start Guide

The Relationship Timeline

• Love bombing during dating phase
• Emotional regulation issues during engagement
• Marriage lasted 2 years
• Ended with 6-week separation

Red Flags & Patterns

• Husband proud of his "manipulation talent"
• Consistent gaslighting and emotional control
• Sexual addiction disclosed pre-wedding
• Financial dependence despite her being primary breadwinner
• Isolation from family and friends

Turning Points

• The wedding incident revealing deeper issues
• Writing "the letter" that sparked change
• Breaking point during Bible study
• Understanding God's word "faithful" in new light

Finding Help

• Leslie Vernick's teachings
• CORE program principles
• Conquer program
• Church community support

View Details

Resources:
Elyse Fitzpatrick's website
Elyse's Books
Leslie's Website
Leslie's Quick Start Guide

In this episode, Leslie Vernick talks with Elyse Fitzpatrick the author of over 25 books on Christian living. Elyse holds a master's degree in biblical counseling from Trinity Theological Seminary and is a popular conference speaker and grandmother to six.

Discussing 'Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women':

• Overview of Elyse's book 'Worthy.'
• The book celebrates the value of women in the church and society.
• The inspiration behind writing 'Worthy.'

Writing and Reception:

• Elyse's experiences around 2019-2020 that led to writing the book.
• Conversation with Paul Tripp and reading a blog post by Eric Shoemaker.
• The unexpected pushback received from various groups, including church leaders.

Handling Pushback:

• The surprising amount of resistance to the book's message.
• Criticisms, including the apparent lack of focus on traditional gender roles.
• Shock and discouragement faced, even being disinvited from conferences and losing publishing contracts.

The Biblical Value of Women:

• Discussion on the value of women as depicted in the Bible.
• Examples such as Hagar and the significance of her story in Genesis.

Cultural and Church Challenges:

• Examination of the church’s fear of women having power.
• The issue of power dynamics and the misuse of spiritual teachings to control.

Lessons from the Bible:

• Biblical accounts demonstrating God's use and valuing of women.
• Stories of women like Eve, Hagar, and Mary of Bethany.

Women as Co-laborers in Faith:

• The importance of recognizing women as equal contributors to the faith.
• Challenges women face in being seen as more than just traditional roles.

Jesus' Treatment of Women:

• Examples from the New Testament showing Jesus' respect and care for women.
• Stories of Jesus protecting and valuing women.

Resistance and Reconciliation:

• Different responses to sin and accountability between David and Saul.
• Importance of genuine repentance and the recognition of women's value in the community.

View Details

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko and relationship expert Leslie Vernick tackle the tough topic of reconciliation. If you've ever wondered when or if you should reconcile in a relationship, this episode is for you. They discuss everything from the reasons why someone might separate to how to know if it's really the right time to come back together.

Why Separate?

• Leslie talks about the big reasons people choose to separate—from safety concerns to ongoing negative behavior and its impact.

Separation as a Wake-Up Call

• Separation can sometimes be a wake-up call. How do you know if it's working?

Spotting Real Change

• It's not just about saying sorry. How do you know your partner has really changed and is ready to reconcile?

Legal Stuff You Need to Know

• Separation isn't just emotional—there are legal aspects to consider. Make sure you're protected.

Grace and Boundaries

• How do you balance giving grace with setting boundaries? We discuss what you can tolerate and what’s a deal-breaker.

When It's Just Not Going to Work

• Sometimes, reconciliation isn’t possible. Leslie explains when you should consider calling it quits.

View Details

This episode, recorded last Christmas, is a reminder that you can find peace in God's presence this Christmas... even if you're dealing with a destructive relationship.

In this episode, Leslie & Julie share memories of Christmas debacles and difficulties as well as very practical tips for being your best self during the holidays.

Rest assured, friend, there is HOPE! He was born and He is risen. Merry Christmas!!

View Details

Importance of Mindset* Discusses the critical role of mindset in making real changes. * Leslie explains the difference between breakdown and breakthrough mindsets. * Uses biblical examples like Esther and Joseph to illustrate points.

Breakdown Mindset* Leslie describes what a breakdown mindset is. * Explains its effects using stories of people stuck in victim mentality.

Denial of Reality* Leslie explains how people deny reality to avoid suffering. * Shares examples of false spirituality and its impact on lives.

Personal Story of Grief* Julie shares a personal story about her sister’s tragic death and subsequent family losses. * Discusses the weight of grief and the common but unhelpful reactions from others.

Steps to Breakthrough Mindset* Leslie talks about distinguishing between healthy grieving and a breakdown. * Emphasizes finding meaning in suffering. * Shares the importance of perspective and purpose in tragedy.

Breakthrough Mindset* Leslie explains what a breakthrough mindset looks like. * Provides personal and real-world examples of people converting loss into meaningful actions.

Practical Techniques* Leslie provides practical steps and mindset shifts. * Includes tracking thoughts and noticing the stories we tell ourselves.

Importance of Self-Growth* Stresses the importance of self-growth and taking responsibility for one’s mindset. * Mentions the Empowered to Change group as a resource for developing a noble self.

Empowered to ChangeDetails about the Empowered to Change group:

Its role in personal growth.

How it helps women navigate difficult times by focusing on individual growth and mindset shifts.

Prayer and Encouragement* Leslie ends with a prayer for women in a breakdown mindset.

View Details

Resources:Empowered to Change: www.leslievernick.com/empowered

Darby Strickland https://www.darbystrickland.com/

In this heart-wrenching and inspirational episode, Mary shares her powerful story of overcoming decades of abuse. From her tumultuous marriages to finding the strength to rebuild her life, listeners will be moved and motivated to find resilience in their own struggles.

• Mary's Background

  • Insights into Mary’s early life and personal history.
  • Brief mention of her age and pride in overcoming challenges.

  • First Marriage

  • The emotional and psychological abuse Mary experienced.

  • Efforts to maintain a normal home and protect her children.
  • Her husband’s eventual abandonment.

  • Second Marriage

  • Initial optimism and eventual realization of failure.

  • The additional challenges and learning experiences.

  • Discovering Leslie's Materials

  • How Mary found and began engaging with Leslie’s resources.

  • The impact of biblical evidence and therapy on her decisions.

  • Applying Knowledge and Therapy

  • Practical steps Mary took to apply Leslie’s teachings.

  • Collaboration with her PTSD therapist to understand and confront abuse.

  • Personal Achievements and Growth

  • Overcoming past abuses and achieving significant personal milestones.

  • Her educational pursuits and the establishment of a discipleship group.
  • Aspirations to start an autism center.

  • Balancing Commitments

  • Struggles and strategies for maintaining a balanced life.

  • Learning to prioritize and manage commitments without overextending.

  • The Role of Counseling

  • The necessity and importance of having a supportive counselor.

  • Perseverance in finding the right match for counseling.
  • Practical advice for those experiencing abuse and seeking help.

  • Final Thoughts

  • Encouragement for listeners to seek help and realize their value.

  • Empowering message to those feeling defeated by ongoing abuse.

View Details

RESOURCES:
Register Here for Leslie's Free Workshop on December 5th!
Honey Lake Clinic
Leslie's Quick Start Guide

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie Vernick chats with Dr. Karl Benzio about integrating faith and psychiatric science for healing and better decision-making. Dr. Benzio, from Honey Lake Clinic, shares his journey and practical tools like the SPEARS model to help improve mental health and relationships. Don't miss this insightful conversation!
Personal Story* Karl's journey of struggle and redemption

Early Influences* Childhood challenges and the impact of faith

Faith and Psychiatry* Integrating science and faith for healing

Practical Advice for Decision-Making* Empowering godly decisions in tough relationships

SPEARS Decision Making* Overview of the SPEARS decision-making model

Role of Relationships and Maintenance* Importance of daily psychological and spiritual upkeep

View Details

RESOURCES
Register for Leslie's Free Workshop December 5th!
www.leslievernick.com/story

Leslie's Quick Start Guide
www.leslievernick.com/start

In this episode, Julie Sedenko sits down with Alyson Zurek, who opens up about her tumultuous life marked by three marriages, a traumatic brain injury, and childhood trauma.

From early instability and maternal abandonment to overcoming abusive relationships and exploring emotional recovery, Alyson shares her story of resilience and healing.

She discusses how finding faith and joining supportive communities like Conquer helped her reclaim her life and peace of mind. The conversation serves as a powerful testament to the strength of the human spirit and offers hope for those in similar struggles.

View Details

Resources* Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start * Chris Moles' Website & Resources: https://www.chrismoles.org/

Theology of Suffering and Authority* Discussion on imbalance of theology related to suffering and authority * Magnification of male headship and sacrifice over safety and protection of the oppressed * Lack of focus on misuse and cautions of authority

Abuse of Authority and Accountability* Constituted and delegated authority in the church * Power comes with responsibility and accountability * The church's duty to hold authority figures accountable for misuse

Jesus' Teachings on Leadership* Jesus' warnings against the misuse of authority * Connection to domestic abuse involving various forms of power and control * The church's slow response to addressing these abuses

Restoration and Consequences of Sin* Biblical references to power under versus power over * The role of accountability and honesty in theological commitments * Expectation of servant leadership and its importance

Hope for Marriages Affected by Domestic Abuse* Finding hope and change through the gospel * The focus on individual safety and sanity over marital restoration * Importance of setting boundaries and personal growth for both partners

Domestic Abuse: Definitions and Dynamics* Misuse of power and patterns of coercive behavior * The importance of recognizing power dynamics in abuse * Differentiating between isolated acts and ongoing patterns of control

Can Women Be Abusive?* Acknowledgment of women's potential for abusive behavior * Differences in power dynamics and impact between men and women * Examples of women abusing power in certain contexts

Nonviolent Resistance and Personal Agency* Encouraging nonviolent forms of resistance * The significance of maintaining dignity and agency * Practical advice on resisting control without escalating violence

View Details

RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-GET-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/startThe Hidden Depths of Addiction* Discovery of her husband's addiction * Struggles with expectations of respect and family values, especially within the church setting

Facing Anger and Abuse* Anger and threats escalate * Irrational anger * Psychological and physical toll of the marriage

The Impact on Children* Tansil's fear and realization of the impact on her children * Protective actions taken to shield her children from the abuse

Recognizing Red Flags* Reflection on early warning signs before and soon after marriage * Importance of identifying and not ignoring red flags in relationships

The Turning Point: Seeking Safety* Seeing the truth * Initial steps towards seeking help and legal separation

Legal Separation and Its Aftermath* Hiring an attorney and filing for legal separation * Emotional and practical challenges of separating from an abusive spouse * Experiences with victim services and legal protection

Support Systems and Conquer Community* Participation in Conquer and the support gained from the community * Key lessons and validations received from fellow survivors * Importance of staying anchored in reality and implementing safety plans

The Role of Faith and Church* Challenges with pastoral support and their often inadequate response to abuse * Importance of faith and prayer in Tansil's journey * Positive and negative experiences with church leadership

Final Thoughts and Advice* Encouragement to listeners to trust their gut instincts and prioritize safety * Advice on not dismissing red flags and recognizing one's own worth * Final reflections and call to action for women in similar situations to seek help and support

View Details

RESOURCES

Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start
Pattern Questions to Ask:

1. When was the first time ...
2. When was the last time...
3. What is a typical time?
4. What's the worst time?

Summary: In this episode, Julie Sedenko and relationship expert Leslie Vernick discuss how to recognize and address destructive relationships. Leslie highlights five key signs of a destructive relationship and offers advice on navigating these challenging situations.

1. Identifying Red Flags in Marriage

   • Explanation of common red flags that may indicate a relationship is becoming destructive.

   • Recognizing Patterns of Destructive Behavior

   • Importance of identifying repeat patterns in behavior that are harmful.

   • Differentiation between occasional mistakes and ongoing destructive patterns.

   • Sign One: Feeling Controlled

   • Indicators of control and manipulation in a relationship.

   • Psychological and emotional impact of being controlled.

   • Sign Two: Feeling Afraid

   • Understanding fear in non-physically abusive relationships.

   • Common fears and their effects on the dynamics of a relationship.

   • Sign Three: Feeling Confused

   • The role of gaslighting in causing confusion.

   • Strategies for regaining clarity and validating one’s own reality.

   • Sign Four: Feeling Objectified

   • Recognizing when one is being treated as an object rather than a partner.

   • The emotional toll of objectification.

   • Sign Five: Deception

   • Impact of chronic deception on trust and safety in a relationship.

   • Recognizing the signs of deceit and its consequences.

   • Navigating Deceptive and Manipulative Behavior

   • Dealing with duplicity and manipulation in relationships.

   • Strategies for protecting oneself and maintaining sanity.

   • Taking Control of Your Happiness

   • Personal anecdotes and empowerment stories.

   • Importance of self-celebration and taking charge of one’s own well-being.

   • Recognizing Destructive Patterns and Seeking Safety

   • Identifying patterns and understanding their frequency and intensity.

   • Assessing personal boundaries and safety measures.

View Details

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Dr. Stephanie Holmes, an autism researcher, life coach, and ordained minister, joins us to discuss the unique dynamics of neurodiverse marriages.
Dr. Holmes brings her vast expertise and personal experience in navigating the challenges that couples face when one partner is on the autism spectrum. The conversation emphasizes understanding neurodiversity, the impact of late diagnoses on marriages, recognizing red flags, and practical advice for women feeling unheard or unloved in such relationships. Listeners will gain valuable insights into self-care, boundary-setting, and finding supportive communities within a Christian context.

Key Takeaways* Understanding Neurodiversity

+ Explanation of neurodiverse and neurotypical terms.
+ Importance of recognizing different neurological wiring and its impact on relationships.

• Impact of Late Diagnosis

  • Effects of late autism spectrum diagnoses on marital relationships.
  • Historical context of autism diagnosis and its implications.

  • Recognizing Red Flags

  • Identifying signs that a partner might be on the autism spectrum.

  • Need for reassessment for individuals diagnosed with ADHD before 2013.

  • Challenges in Neurodiverse Marriages

  • Common struggles such as lack of emotional connection and communication issues.

  • Necessity for both partners to learn and adapt to each other's needs.

  • Trauma and Neurodiverse Relationships

  • Understanding Trauma A (absence of good things) and Trauma B (presence of bad things) in neurodiverse marriages.

  • Impact of trauma on the neurotypical spouse and importance of addressing these issues.

  • Counseling and Coaching

  • Benefits of coaching over traditional counseling for neurodiverse couples.

  • Importance of individual therapy and trauma work before starting couples work.

  • Personal and Spiritual Growth

  • Encouraging women to set boundaries and seek self-care.

  • Finding identity and community support outside of the marriage.

  • Final Advice

  • Practical tips for women feeling unheard or unloved in their relationships.

  • Recognizing and addressing the impact of a spouse's behavior on their well-being.

View Details

RESOURCES
Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start In this episode Julie Sedenko talks to Raquel about her personal journey and insights into toxic marriages, emotional abuse, and healing.

You will learn, from Raquel's experiences, about the importance of establishing boundaries, tips for healing after emotional abuse, and key lessons from her marriage. This empowering podcast provides valuable resources and encouragement for those navigating their own relationship challenges.1. Raquel's Marriage

* Rachel discusses the truth behind her marriage experiences

1. Emotional Abuse Unmasked

   • Revealing the signs and effects of emotional abuse

   • Raquel on Toxic Marriages

   • Insights on what makes a marriage toxic

   • Marriage Boundaries

   • Raquel’s story on setting and maintaining boundaries

   • Healing After Emotional Abuse

   • Steps and stories of healing post-abuse

   • Raquel's Marriage Lessons

   • Key lessons learned from her own marriage

   • Escaping Toxic Relationships

   • Strategies and advice for leaving toxic situations

   • Raquel's Guide to Boundaries

   • Comprehensive guide to establishing and enforcing boundaries

   • Toxic Marriage Insights

   • Additional insights on toxic relationships

   • Raquel's Truth on Marriage

   • Final thoughts and personal truths about marriage

View Details

• Honesty and Vulnerability in Friendships:

  • Initiating tough conversations about unmet needs is essential to gauge respect and mutual support.
  • Small “no” statements reveal whether a friend respects boundaries or tends toward manipulation or guilt-tripping.

  • Guarding Your Heart:

  • Proverbs 4:23 emphasizes guarding your heart to prevent dependency on others for validation.

  • By making God the source of well-being, friendships become supportive without becoming the foundation of one’s self-worth.

  • Understanding Friendships vs. Ministry Relationships:

  • Distinguishing between friendships, which are mutual and reciprocal, and ministry relationships, where giving is without expectation.

  • True friendships require both give-and-take, unlike ministry relationships, which may be one-sided.

  • Establishing Healthy Boundaries:

  • Recognizing personal limits, such as the story of the “laundry lesson,” where a lack of boundaries led to silent resentment.

  • Knowing when to express needs and limitations to avoid burnout and passive-aggressive responses.

  • When Friendships Need to End:

  • Natural fading of friendships versus ending them with intentional conversations if there’s been a breach of trust.

  • Practicing clarity: If a friendship no longer aligns with your life stage or values, addressing this honestly can prevent miscommunication.

View Details

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie Vernick interviews Michelle Hord, a former producer of Good Morning America. Michelle shares her heartbreaking yet inspiring story of losing her daughter Gabrielle at the hands of her soon-to-be ex-husband and her journey of resilience and faith thereafter.

1. • The Tragic Event

     • Description of the tragic event involving Michelle's daughter, Gabrielle.

     • Emotional and psychological impact on Michelle and her family.Life Before the Tragedy

       • Insights into Michelle's marriage and reasons for the divorce.
       • Discussion about emotional abuse and its impact.
       • Gabrielle's Personality

   • Michelle's memories of Gabrielle.

   • Gabrielle's character and memorable traits.

   • The Night of the Tragedy

   • Details of the night Gabrielle's life was taken.

   • Michelle’s immediate reactions and actions following the event.

   • Immediate Aftermath

   • Steps Michelle took following the tragedy.

   • The support system that helped her through the initial shock.

   • Regaining Power and Faith

   • Michelle’s journey to regain her power and sense of self.

   • Her process of rebuilding faith and resilience.

   • Book Discussion: The Other Side of Yet

   • Introduction of Michelle’s book.

   • Explanation of the book’s title and central themes.

   • Defiant Faith

   • Discussion on the concept of defiant faith.

   • How Michelle has embraced defiance against evil and adversity.

   • Support Systems

   • Importance of having a strong support system during crises.

   • Examples of how Michelle’s friends supported her through difficult times.

   • Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation

   • Overview of the Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation.

   • The mission and activities of the foundation to honor Gabrielle’s legacy.

   • Conclusion and Prayer

   • Closing thoughts from Leslie and Michelle.

   • Prayer for listeners facing their own battles with evil and hardship.

Additional Details:* Links and Resources:

+ Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
+ Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation Website
+ Purchase Michelle Hord’s Book
+ Michelle Hord's Website
+ Leslie Vernick’s Free Quick Start Guide

• Social Media Contacts:

  • Follow Leslie Vernick on Instagram and Facebook
  • Follow Gabrielle’s Wings on Instagram and Facebook

`

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RESOURCES:
JOIN CONQUER! Open through October 4, 2024
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-2433

In this powerful episode, Julie Sedenko speaks with Rose, a member of the Conquer support group, about her 20-year marriage filled with manipulation and abuse. Rose candidly shares the early warning signs she ignored, her experiences of escalating hostility and covert manipulation, and the profound trauma she endured during pregnancy and beyond.

She recounts the turning points, including realizing the extent of the abuse, the challenges of seeking help, and her difficult journey towards divorce and custody battles. Through support from the Conquer group and personal resilience, Rose found strength and hope, ultimately transforming her life. This heartfelt conversation underscores the importance of recognizing abuse, the impact of community support, and the empowering journey of personal growth.

• Early Signs of Abuse

  • Rose discusses the red flags and warning signs that emerged before marriage.

  • Experiencing Hostility

  • Description of the increased hostility and aggression from her husband during pregnancy.

  • Trauma During Pregnancy

  • The impact of severe emotional and verbal abuse during Rose's pregnancy.

  • The Realization of Abuse

  • Rose's journey to understanding that she was experiencing abuse, including insights from her mother.

  • Manipulation Tactics

  • Detailed examples of how Rose's husband employed manipulation and control, such as blocking exits and monitoring her whereabouts.

  • Path to Divorce

  • The crucial moment when Rose calls the police and begins her battle for divorce.

  • Custody Battles

  • Ongoing struggles with custody and how Rose hopes for a future free from her husband's control.

View Details

RESOURCES:
REGISTER HERE for Leslie's FREE Workshop, If He Doesn't Hit Me, Is it Still Abuse? God Cares. September 24th, 2024, 12pm & 7:30pm Eastern

JOIN CONQUER!! September 24 - October 4th

In this episode, Betty shares her journey through CONQUER, a program that played a pivotal role in her life, first as a married woman and later after her divorce. She discusses how she rediscovered her core values, tackled people-pleasing habits, and found invaluable community support. Her story is a testament to personal growth and resilience, offering hope and a heartfelt prayer for those facing tough times.

• Twice the Impact: Betty took CONQUER courses twice—first married, then divorced in December 2016. She reflects on how this dual experience shaped her perspective and growth.
• Discovering Authenticity: Betty's journey to rediscover her core values. Insightful question: "Who did God make you to be?"
• Moving Beyond People Pleasing: Role plays and self-awareness exercises in CONQUER helped her recognize and overcome patterns of people-pleasing.
• Community and Support: Importance of community in Betty's healing journey. Deep connections and friendships formed through CONQUER.
• Transformation and Growth: Betty's evolution spiritually and emotionally. Living authentically and secure in identity and faith.
• Gratitude and Mentorship: Betty's shares her appreciation for Leslie Vernick's mentorship and teaching. Impactful moments of support and guidance.
• Finding Meaning in Difficult Times: Drawing from Isaiah 45:3—finding treasures in darkness. Recognizing God's presence and provision in challenging times.
• Encouragement for Listeners: Words of encouragement for those in similar journeys. Embrace inner work, community support, and spiritual growth.
• Closing Thoughts and Prayer: Betty's closing reflections on her journey. Heartfelt prayer for listeners in difficult circumstances.

View Details

RESOURCES:

Register Here for Leslie's Free Workshop

Are You in a Destructive Marriage Test/Quick Start Guide

Pam's Journey:

• Reflects on her marriage of over two decades overshadowed by manipulation and deceit.
• Discovering her husband's hidden behaviors: excessive gambling, pornography use, and financial mismanagement.
• The emotional toll of deception and cycles of hope and disappointment.
• The turning point: uncovering infidelity and confronting the reality of emotional abuse.

Navigating Healing and Transformation:

• Coping with legal and financial challenges amidst ongoing deceit and manipulation.
• Finding solace in resources like Leslie Vernick's teachings and support groups.
• Recognizing and addressing emotional abuse: setting boundaries and focusing on personal healing.
• Spiritual growth and redefining beliefs about marriage and submission.

Reflections and Moving Forward:

• Challenges and victories in navigating divorce and rebuilding self-worth.
• The role of support systems: friends, family, and therapeutic interventions.
• Embracing opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment beyond the confines of marriage.
• Insights into reclaiming identity and finding empowerment in life after abuse.

View Details

RESOURCES:
Julie Bonn Blank's website https://www.juliebonnblank.com/
Abuse Recover Ministry: https://abuserecovery.org/
Book: "On the Frontlines of Abuse"
Books by Julie Bonn Blank

• Near-Death Experience

  • Julie Bonn Blank shares her profound spiritual experience after a near-death allergic reaction
  • Impact on her faith journey and ministry

  • Understanding Coercive Control

  • Definition and examples of coercive control in relationships

  • Its role in perpetuating abuse dynamics

  • Highlighting ARMS Programs

  • Overview of "Her Journey" program for survivors of domestic violence

  • Explanation of "Mankind and Virtue" program for abusers

  • Challenges in Church Responses

  • Discussion on how churches address abuse within their congregations

  • Importance of supportive and accountable church environments

  • Personal Reflections on Healing and Relationships

  • Julie's insights on building healthy relationships after abuse

  • Differences and learnings from past experiences

View Details

Resources:
Leslie's Quick Start Guide
"She Deserves Better" by Sheila Gregoire
"The Great Sex Rescue" by Sheila Gregoire

Questions answered in this episode

Can Women Offer Affection Without It Being Interpreted as a Sexual Invitation?* Women may hesitate to show physical affection due to fear of it being seen as an invitation for sex. * It’s important to communicate intentions clearly when offering hugs, kisses, or other forms of affection. * An effective way to set boundaries: “I love being close to you, but I don’t always want it to lead to sex.” * Men should understand that affectionate gestures are not always signals for sex; ongoing dialogue is key.

Is It Wrong for a Woman to Fake Orgasms?* Faking orgasms can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship. * Honest communication about sexual desires and experiences is essential. * If a woman is not in the mood for orgasm, she should express this openly: “I want to be close to you but don’t expect me to reach orgasm.” * Focus on connection and mutual pleasure rather than performance.

Are There Biblical Boundaries for Sexual Practices?* Certain practices, such as extramarital sex and harmful activities, are considered off-limits. * Biblical teachings emphasize respect, mutual consent, and preserving the sanctity of sexual relationships. * Open dialogue about preferences and boundaries helps maintain a healthy relationship.

What About Covert Forms of Marital Rape and Coercion?* Covert marital rape can involve emotional or spiritual coercion, where consent is not freely given. * True consent involves the ability to express desires and boundaries without fear of negative consequences. * If coerced into compliance, seek professional help and support to address these issues.

Is Masturbation a Concern in a Marriage?* There is disagreement in the church on this topic. * Masturbation can be a natural part of sexuality and may not necessarily indicate problems in a relationship. * It’s important to discuss personal needs and expectations about masturbation within the context of the marriage. * Addressing how masturbation affects the relationship openly and respectfully can lead to greater understanding and alignment.

My Wife Never Liked Sex but She Married Me—What Should I Do?* Feeling deceived when a partner’s sexual preferences or desires differ from expectations can be challenging. * It’s important to address these concerns openly with your partner and seek to understand each other’s needs and boundaries. * Consider couples counseling to explore these issues in a safe, guided environment. * Building a supportive relationship where both partners feel heard and valued is crucial, even if sexual desires do not align perfectly.

How Should We Handle Long-Term Relationship Repair and Growth?* Long-term relationships, like homes, require regular maintenance and repair. * Addressing emotional, physical, or relational damage is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. * Prioritize well-being and safety; if a partner’s behavior consistently harms the relationship, consider seeking therapy or reevaluating the relationship.

Final Thoughts* Marriage and intimate relationships involve navigating various challenges and dynamics. * Clear communication, mutual respect, and honest dialogue are essential for a fulfilling and healthy relationship. * Seek support and resources to address issues and build a stronger partnership

View Details

RESOURCES:
Resources: Kobe’s book: Why Am I Like This?: How to Break Cycles, Heal from Trauma, and Restore Your Faith
Dwell Bible App

In this episode, Kobe explores the intersection of prayer, therapy, and setting boundaries in the journey of healing from relational wounds and trauma. Drawing from personal and professional experiences, Kobe shares insights and practical tools to empower listeners in their healing journey.

Prayer as a Healing Practice:

• Importance of Prayer: Prayer serves as a foundational practice in connecting with God and seeking emotional and spiritual healing.
• Prayer in Daily Life: Kobe shares personal experiences where prayer has been pivotal in navigating challenges and finding peace amidst turmoil.

Spiritual Insights and Healing:

• Learning from Elijah: Elijah's journey in 1 Kings 19, is where God provided resources for endurance rather than immediate escape from suffering.
• Price of Righteousness: Doing the right thing does not always lead to immediate positive outcomes, yet God provides strength and resources for those who persevere.

Benefits of Therapy and Coaching:

• Perspective Beyond Pain: Therapy and coaching offer insights outside one's immediate suffering, essential for moving beyond trauma.
• Healing Responsibility: While not responsible for the initial wounds, individuals are accountable for their healing journey.
• Questioning for Growth: Asking oneself questions is pivotal for healing, acknowledging there are answers beyond current understanding.

Setting Boundaries and Biblical Perspective:

• Importance of Boundaries: Setting boundaries is biblical and mirrors God's design for relationships, fostering mutual respect and safety.
• Misconceptions: Boundaries are not about punishment but safeguarding conditions for personal thriving and mutual respect.

Breath Prayer for Healing:

• Kobe shares a breath prayer exercise as a contemplative practice, combining deep breathing with a prayerful connection to God's presence.

View Details

RESOURCES:

• Leslie's Free Webinar: www.leslievernick.com/o
• Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
• Leslie Vernick’s book: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko and Leslie Vernick delve into the concept of "core strength" and its critical importance for women navigating destructive relationships. This episode is designed for any woman who feels she may be in a harmful relationship, offering practical insights on how to build and use core strength in everyday life, whether she chooses to stay or leave.

1. Understanding Core Strength:

   • Leslie shares her personal journey of realizing the importance of core strength, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. She introduces the concept with a metaphor of physical fitness, explaining how just as a strong core prevents physical collapse, emotional core strength prevents women from collapsing under the weight of a destructive relationship.

   • Core Strength Components:

   • Courageously Committed to Truth: Living in reality, not denial, and embracing the truth even when it's difficult.

   • Open to the Holy Spirit and Wise Others: The importance of being teachable and surrounding oneself with wisdom rather than just strong opinions.
   • Taking Responsibility: Understanding personal responsibility for one’s safety, well-being, and character development without shifting blame.
   • Empathy with Boundaries: Balancing compassion with the necessity of setting boundaries that protect against enabling destructive behavior.

   • Practical Applications:

   • Leslie and Julie explore practical scenarios where core strength is applied, including handling disagreements about finances, asserting one's needs, and setting boundaries with a controlling or abusive partner.

   • They discuss the importance of detachment and how women can maintain their emotional and spiritual well-being despite external pressures from a difficult partner.

   • Facing Reality and Fear:

   • The episode addresses the fear of confronting harsh realities, like leaving an abusive situation or facing the consequences of setting boundaries. Leslie emphasizes the need to acknowledge fear but not let it dictate actions.

   • Building a Safety Plan:

   • The importance of having a safety plan is discussed for women who find themselves in physically dangerous situations. Resources and steps to create a safety plan are provided.

   • Wise Counsel and Discernment:

   • How to discern between wise advice and manipulative counsel, especially in a church setting. The importance of aligning advice with the true character of God, as revealed through Jesus, is highlighted.

View Details

• RESOURCES
  Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times by Stormie OMartian
  Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
  Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start
  Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Reflecting on the Past

Laura talks about her hard memories of the marriage bed and how she took time after leaving her marriage to observe how others interacted in their marriages. She realized that healthy relationships exist and had to rewrite the script in her mind about what is normal and healthy.

Challenging the Spouse

Laura describes how challenging her husband or saying no would lead to either being ignored, receiving a different storyline, or being told she was wrong. She mentions how this would escalate to character assassination, erasing what she thought and wanted, making her feel she had to go along with what he did.

Hitting the Wall

As her kids got older, financial troubles and unstable work for her husband added to the stress. Three occasions in four months where her husband physically hit her were pivotal. After the first incident, she contacted the church, seeking accountability, but it led to no meaningful support. Her husband never acknowledged his actions.

Lack of Support and Apologies

Laura shares how her husband never apologized or acknowledged the abuse, often claiming that incidents never happened or were accidental.

Physical and Emotional Abuse

Laura explains why she did not call the police, mentioning her fear of creating a bigger mess and the belief that any report would lead to someone going to jail. She learned the importance of documentation and how having a case number could have helped her later.

Fear and Control

Laura recounts another incident where her husband shoved her out of bed, leading her to scream for help. She didn't call the police, fearing the consequences. Her husband continued to downplay and dismiss her concerns.

Finding Leslie Vernick

After these incidents, Laura tried one more round of counseling. Seeing her husband act cruelly towards his mother was a turning point. A friend recommended Leslie Vernick's book, which gave her the words to explain her experiences and recognize the patterns of abuse.

Joining Conquer

Laura joined Conquer in 2017. Leslie's teachings and the supportive community were a godsend. She learned about her identity in Christ and how to have healthy relationships, which helped her grow and heal.

Grieving and Healing

Leaving a 32-year marriage involved a grief process for Laura. Time and counseling have been healing. She had to intentionally remember the good times and not vilify her ex. Now, she can pray for him and look forward to advancing God's kingdom in her life.

Moving Forward and Dating Again

After seven years of being divorced, Laura is cautiously open to a new relationship. She approaches it differently, being mindful and keeping other people engaged. She remains true to herself and looks for mutual engagement and respect.

Conclusion

Laura encourages women in similar situations to see their own beauty and courage. She advises focusing on personal health and taking steps towards independence. Empowering oneself and one's children towards Christ and their own identity is crucial.

Encouragement and Next Steps

Laura emphasizes the importance of focusing on individual wellness and taking the next right step. She suggests creating a safety plan and being around supportive people who will speak life into you.

View Details

Resources:

• Dr. Henry Cloud’s new book: "Why I Believe"
• Online platform with courses by Dr. Cloud
• Dr. Cloud's book, Necessary Endings
• Leslie's Quick Start Guide: Find out if you're in a destructive relationship

In today's episode, Leslie Vernick sits down with Dr. Henry Cloud, the acclaimed leadership expert, clinical psychologist, and best-selling author known for his influential books "Boundaries" and "Necessary Endings." With over 45 years of experience, Dr. Cloud has helped millions integrate faith and psychology into their lives.

In this enlightening conversation, Leslie and Dr. Cloud discuss his newest book, "Why I Believe," a deeply personal narrative that diverges from his usual clinical and business-focused writings. This book delves into Dr. Cloud’s journey of faith, his childhood experiences, and the profound moments that shaped his spiritual beliefs.

Key Points:

Introduction to Dr. Henry Cloud: Leslie introduces Dr. Cloud, highlighting his significant contributions through his books and his integration of faith and psychology. Dr. Cloud's credentials: best-selling author, leadership expert, and clinical psychologist with over 45 years of experience.

The Motivation Behind "Why I Believe": Dr. Cloud shares the impetus for writing a book about his faith journey at this point in his life. Initial intention to create a small pamphlet for his friends, which evolved into a full-fledged book due to the widespread need among Christians to share their faith.

Dr. Cloud’s Personal Faith Journey: Growing up in a Southern Methodist home with a faith that was real but not front and center. His struggles with depression and a turning point during his college years when he earnestly sought God.

Miraculous Experiences: Dr. Cloud recounts miraculous experiences, including finding a pastor’s house through divine guidance and the profound moment of feeling God’s presence in his car. How these experiences affirmed his belief in God despite not immediately curing his depression.

Intellectual Obstacles and Resolution: Addressing intellectual challenges such as the existence of suffering and the relationship between science and scripture. Dr. Cloud’s deep dive into various scientific fields and his conclusion that there is no conflict between science and the Bible when approached without atheistic presuppositions.

Integration of Psychology and Scripture: Dr. Cloud’s perspective on how psychological science validates biblical teachings. The inclusion of personal miracle stories in his book to illustrate the tangible impact of faith.

The Problem of Evil and Suffering: Leslie and Dr. Cloud address the age-old question: If God is good and real, why does He allow suffering, especially the suffering of innocent people? Dr. Cloud explains that the root cause lies in the concept of free will. God created humans with the freedom to love Him or reject Him, and this freedom extends to all human actions, including harmful ones.

The Nature of Love and Freedom: Love cannot exist without freedom. Just as in human relationships, love must be freely given and received; otherwise, it is not true love. God set boundaries to guide humans, but the freedom to choose remains, leading to both good and evil actions.

God’s Foreknowledge and Plan: While God knew the potential for evil, He also prepared a plan for redemption through Jesus Christ, even before the foundation of the world. The presence of evil and suffering is part of the larger narrative of freedom and redemption.

God’s Presence in Suffering: Dr. Cloud shares a powerful testimony of a man who envisioned Jesus taking his place during a beating from his father, illustrating that Jesus deeply empathizes with our suffering. Jesus’ identification with our pain and His presence in our suffering provides a profound sense of comfort and solidarity.

Addressing Intellectual and Emotional Challenges: Dr. Cloud acknowledges that intellectual answers often fall short of providing emotional satisfaction when it comes to understanding suffering. He emphasizes the importance of trusting in God’s infinite love and wisdom, even when we cannot comprehend His ways fully.

Role of the Church and Community: The importance of the church’s role in standing against abuse and supporting victims. Dr. Cloud critiques the misuse of scripture to justify abusive relationships and encourages victims to seek help from compassionate and understanding leaders.

Empowerment and Responsibility: God has delegated the responsibility to humans to act against evil and support those in need. Encouragement for individuals and communities to step up and make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering.

Encouragement for Victims: Dr. Cloud offers heartfelt advice to victims of abuse, emphasizing the importance of seeking safety and help. He highlights the significance of finding supportive communities and leaders who will stand against abuse and provide the necessary support.

View Details

RESOURCES:
Leslie's Quick Start Guide - find out if you're in a destructive marriage

Today, we’re tackling a big question: Is your marriage dead or alive? We’ll break down how to tell if your relationship is thriving, in trouble, or maybe somewhere in between. We’ll talk about what regular upkeep looks like for a healthy marriage and how to handle the heavy-duty repairs when things go south. Whether you’re dealing with minor bumps or major cracks, we’ve got tips and insights to help you figure out the next steps. So, grab a coffee, settle in, and let’s get real about your relationship!

1. Understanding Marriage Maintenance:

   • The Importance of Regular Upkeep:
   • Examples of Maintenance

   • The Necessity of Repair Work:

   • Identifying Major Issues

   • Real-Life Stories and Lessons:

   • Repair Strategies

   • The Role of Accountability and Self-Reflection:

   • Taking Responsibility

   • Effective Repair Measures

   • When Effort is Lopsided:

   • Balancing Effort

   • Accepting Reality:

   • Facing Hard Truths:

   • Healthy Acceptance:

Maintaining a marriage requires ongoing effort and understanding the difference between routine maintenance and addressing significant issues. Recognizing when to repair versus maintain and accepting the reality of the situation can lead to healthier outcomes, whether it means rejuvenating the relationship or making a tough decision to move forward separately.

View Details

Resources:
Is Your Marriage Destructive? Find out. Get Leslie's Quick Start Guide here!

In this episode, we delve into the often overlooked dynamics of covert abuse within marriages, shedding light on its subtle yet profound impacts. Our guest, Jessica, shares her insights into these hidden behaviors based on her personal journey and observations.

Defining Covert Abuse:

• Covert abuse refers to subtle, deceptive behaviors aimed at controlling or manipulating a partner without overt aggression.
• Jessica describes how these behaviors include gaslighting, passive-aggressive tactics, and manipulation through silence or withdrawal.

Impact on Emotional Well-being:

• The discussion explores the emotional toll of covert abuse, highlighting feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and isolation.
• Jessica shares her experience of feeling constantly invalidated and struggling with the blurred lines between love and control.

Financial and Decision-Making Control:

• Financial abuse, where one partner controls finances to limit independence or enforce compliance, is explored.
• The impact on decision-making within the household and personal autonomy is discussed, emphasizing the need for financial transparency and equality.

Parenting Challenges:

• Covertly abusive behaviors can extend into parenting dynamics, affecting roles, responsibilities, and the emotional environment for children.
• Jessica shares insights into navigating parenting while dealing with a partner's controlling behaviors and its effect on family dynamics.

Seeking Support and Healing:

Importance of Community and Therapy:

• Jessica emphasizes the role of supportive communities and therapy in recognizing and healing from covert abuse.
• Finding validation and solidarity with others who understand similar experiences is crucial for emotional recovery.

Personal Growth and Empowerment:

• The journey towards healing involves reclaiming personal agency and establishing boundaries.
• Jessica discusses steps she took to prioritize her well-being and regain a sense of self outside the abusive dynamics.

Raising Awareness and Taking Action:

• The episode concludes with a call to raise awareness about covert abuse, encouraging listeners to recognize the signs and seek help.
• Jessica shares resources and strategies for anyone experiencing or suspecting covert abuse in their relationships.

View Details

RESOURCES:

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Are you in an emotionally destructive marriage? Get Leslie's Quick Start Guide HERE.

Listen to this podcast where Alicia tells the story of being married to a sexually abusive pastor.

In this episode, Leslie and Julie explore the challenging issue of marital rape, drawing on personal experiences and insights from biblical teachings. Join them for an honest conversation that sheds light on this sensitive topic with compassion and understanding.

• Understanding Marital Rape

  • Definition and misconceptions.
  • Societal and religious views.

  • Biblical Perspectives

  • Scriptural interpretations.

  • Cultural biases and implications.

  • Challenging Misconceptions

  • Myth vs. reality: Marriage and consent.

  • Importance of mutual respect.

  • The Role of Mutual Respect

  • Biblical teachings on respect and autonomy.

  • Building healthy marital dynamics.

  • Setting Healthy Boundaries

  • Importance of boundaries in marriage.

  • Safeguarding dignity and respect.

View Details

Resource:
Leslie's People Pleasing Course

In this episode, Julie and Leslie explore the connection between trauma and people-pleasing habits. They discuss how past experiences can lead us to prioritize others' approval over our own well-being. Through real-life stories and practical tips, they empower listeners to break free from these patterns, find their voice, and foster more authentic connections.

Why Understanding the Connection is Important

• Childhood patterns: Survival mechanisms that may not serve us well in adulthood
• Impact of unresolved trauma on adult relationships and well-being

Signs of People-Pleasing Behavior

• Difficulty saying no, anxiety when refusing requests
• Constantly seeking approval, compromising personal values

Roots of Negative People-Pleasing Behavior

• Relationship trauma: Abuse, neglect, abandonment
• Response mechanisms: Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

Personal Experiences with People-Pleasing

• Leslie Vernick's journey: Balancing pleasing others with self-care and values

Setting Boundaries

• Importance of identity and responsibility in setting boundaries
• Practical examples: Saying no without guilt, prioritizing self-care

Strategies for Healing from Past Trauma

• Recognizing trauma's impact on decision-making and relationships
• Taking responsibility for personal healing and growth

Conclusion

• Importance of internal healing for breaking the cycle of people-pleasing
• Steps towards self-awareness, setting boundaries, and healing from trauma

View Details

Resources:

Register here for our UNLIMITED Moving Beyond People Pleasing Drop-In Group Coaching + Video Curriculum

Today, Julie & Leslie are exploring how some of your best qualities and highest Christian virtues can make you a target for toxic individuals. Have you ever wondered why you seem to attract destructive people despite your kind heart and good intentions? This episode will help you understand and transform how you navigate relationships, allowing you to embrace your strengths while safeguarding your heart.

People Pleasing:
People pleasers are often generous and eager to make others happy, which can make them susceptible to manipulation. Without the ability to say no, people pleasers may find themselves overextended and exploited. Learn to buy time before committing and practice saying no without guilt.

Loyalty:
Loyalty is a noble trait, reflecting a commitment to relationships. However, blind loyalty can lead to staying in harmful relationships with habitual liars or abusers. Pair loyalty with discernment and wisdom to know when to break away from toxic situations.

Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a core Christian virtue, emphasizing grace and mercy. However, endless forgiveness without consequences can enable continued abuse or neglect. Healthy forgiveness includes justice and setting boundaries, ensuring there are consequences for harmful actions.

Forbearance:
Forbearance promotes patience and tolerance, important in any relationship. Being passive and ignoring habitual sin or evil can be dangerous. Be intentional about forbearance and confront issues when necessary, following Ephesians 5:11 to expose deeds of darkness.

Kindness:
Kindness reflects God's love and compassion. Niceness without boundaries can lead to being used and misused. Be kind but firm, setting limits on unacceptable behavior without compromising your values.

Selflessness:
Selflessness mirrors Christ's sacrifice and service. Being overly selfless can lead to losing your identity and becoming an object in the relationship. Steward your life wisely, balancing self-care with serving others, and maintaining your individuality.

Trust:
Trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. Naive trust can lead to betrayal and harm. Trust with discernment, recognizing when someone is not trustworthy and acting accordingly.

As we discuss these virtues, remember that we are currently enrolling for Leslie’s Moving Beyond People Pleasing program. This course is designed to help you apply these principles in your life. Visit leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse to learn more and register.

Final Thoughts:

• Embrace your Christian virtues but pair them with wisdom and discernment to protect yourself from toxic individuals.
• Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s stewardship. Prioritize your well-being to better serve others and fulfill your God-given potential.
• Remember to consider the entire counsel of God, not just isolated verses, to guide your life and relationships.

Thank you for joining us today. We hope this conversation helps you navigate your relationships more wisely and embrace your strengths while safeguarding your heart. Until next time, take care and stay true to your values.

View Details

Join Moving Beyond People Pleasing!
www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko talks with Jill, a woman navigating the complex journey of staying well in a challenging marriage. Jill shares her story of setting boundaries, seeking therapy, and balancing hope with vigilance. Her experiences provide valuable insights for anyone facing similar marital struggles. Tune in to hear Jill's candid account of the ongoing battle to maintain wellness in her relationship.

Introduction to Jill's Story:

• Jill's background and the challenges she faced in her marriage.
• Early signs of an emotionally unhealthy marriage.

Navigating Family Influences:

• Impact of Jill's mother-in-law on her marriage.
• Establishing boundaries with extended family.

Steps Towards Healing:

• Seeking counseling and church community support.
• Building a business together and navigating financial struggles with faith.

Challenges of Staying Well:

• The constant effort required to maintain healthy boundaries.
• Handling emotional triggers and setting consistent limits.
• The difficulty of not reverting to old patterns of behavior.
• Balancing hope for improvement with vigilance against setbacks.
• Navigating emotional health within the family and maintaining stability for her children.
• Recognizing and addressing codependency and manipulation in relationships.

Behavioral Changes in Marriage:

• Positive changes in her husband's behavior and their communication patterns.
• Significance of transparency and trust-building.

Final Thoughts and Advice:

• Jill’s advice for women in similar situations.
• Emphasizing the language of behavior and the importance of reflecting on personal responses.

View Details

In this episode Leslie and Julie dive into the complex topic of intent and its role in destructive relationships. They explore the distinction between deeply selfish actions and those stemming from misguided theology, mental or physical illness, or past traumas. The discussion highlights whether intent should influence how we process harm and respond within our marriages, even when unintentional damage occurs.

Key Points:

• Intent vs. Impact:

  • The importance of recognizing that even unintentional actions can cause significant harm.
  • The need for restitution and justice regardless of intent.

  • Forgiveness and Amends:

  • The balance between forgiveness and the necessity for repair and restitution.

  • Addressing Harm in Marriage:

  • The importance of acknowledging and addressing the harm caused, even if unintentional.

  • The role of genuine repentance and changed behavior in rebuilding trust.

  • When to Stop Bringing Up Past Hurts:

  • The necessity of ongoing conversation and understanding the victim's perspective.

  • The difference between genuine repentance and dismissing the victim's feelings.

  • Trust and Safety in Relationships:

  • The critical role of trust and safety in maintaining a healthy marriage.

  • Examples of irreparable breaches of trust, such as adultery or financial deceit.

  • Mental Illness and Responsibility:

  • The balance between compassion for mental illness and maintaining personal boundaries.

  • Sacrificial Suffering and Boundaries:

  • The distinction between noble sacrifices and enabling harmful behavior.

  • The importance of not sacrificing one's well-being to enable another's worst behavior.

  • Recognizing True Change:

  • Identifying genuine changes in behavior and heart versus superficial compliance.

  • The importance of mutual care and respect in a truly healthy relationship.

Listener Takeaways:

• Self-Worth and Dignity:

  • Understanding that a partner's indifference or cruelty is a reflection of their character, not your worth.
  • Embracing your value as an individual and image bearer of God.

  • Living in Reality:

  • The power of facing the truth about your relationship for making informed decisions.

  • The importance of personal growth and becoming your best self.

Resources:

• Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

View Details

RESOURCES:
JOIN HERE: Moving Beyond Insecurity Coaching Week
Day One Journal App
Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That?

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

In this episode, Julie talks to Kay, a woman who adopted children later in life and dealt with a very destructive marriage. She knew from the beginning there were issues, but chose to try and make it work anyway. Learn from her mistakes and listen to the hope she has to offer.

Early Signs and Struggles: Kay recounts the lack of red flags during courtship, the first major incident on their honeymoon, and the initial discovery of her husband's infidelity. Julie and Kay discuss the shock and embarrassment Kay felt upon discovering these betrayals.

Cycles of Abuse and Financial Instability: Kay describes the cycles of destructive behavior, the impact of her husband's work-related stress on their family life, and his inability to maintain steady employment. She also shares her experience of financial abuse and a pivotal event in her marriage.

Turning Points and Seeking Help: The critical moment Kay found Leslie Vernick's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," which provided hope and clarity. Kay's decision to make significant changes for the well-being of her children and herself.

Filing for Divorce and Health Challenges: Kay recounts the moment her husband revealed his troubling mindset, believing it was a wife's duty to endure abuse and die. Shortly after filing for divorce, Kay was diagnosed with breast cancer and decided to keep it private for her own safety and her children's well-being.

Rebuilding and Moving Forward: Kay reflects on her journey to safety, securing legal protection and custody rights, and the relief of a stable life for her children. She expresses gratitude for her friends' support and the strength she found through faith and community.

Final Thoughts and Hope for the Future: Kay shares her commitment to teaching her children the value of truth and self-respect. She offers advice to women in similar situations: Be honest with yourself, seek support, and prioritize your well-being and safety.

Key Takeaways:

• Over-functioning in a marriage can mask deeper issues of abuse and inequality.
• Financial abuse can take many forms, including minimal contribution and control over household expenses.
• Journaling and honest reflection are crucial in understanding and addressing abuse.
• Supportive communities and honest friendships are invaluable in navigating and recovering from destructive relationships.
• Practical and realistic interpretations of scripture can provide clarity and strength in challenging times.

View Details

RESOURCES:
Quick Start Guide - www.leslievernick.com/start
Domestic Violence Hotline:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with Assistant District Attorney and Adjunct Professor, Molly Catherine Goodson to explore the intersection of faith, justice, and abuse. Molly Catherine shares personal journey and professional insights, discussing how her faith sustains her in this high-stakes role. She provides practical advice for victims of abuse, highlights the church's role in supporting and protecting them, and emphasizes the importance of empowering women within the church community.

Note: Molly Catherine is not representing the state of North Carolina in this episode.

• Balancing a High-Stress Job and Personal Faith: Molly Catherine discusses how her faith helps her manage the stress and high stakes of her career, sharing the importance of worship music and the powerful prayer from her pastor that helps her stay grounded.
• Maintaining Faith Amidst Evil: Leslie and Molly Catherine explore the challenge of maintaining faith in God's goodness despite witnessing daily evils, emphasizing the importance of viewing circumstances through the lens of God's character.
• Biblical vs. Legal Justice: A discussion on the differences between biblical justice and legal justice, explaining that while Jesus takes on our sins, earthly actions still have consequences.
• Forgiveness and Consequences: Addressing common misconceptions in churches that forgiveness erases consequences, stressing that actions have consequences and forgiveness does not negate the need for justice.
• Empowering Women: Encouraging women to learn essential life skills to become less dependent on their abusers, highlighting the empowering effect of managing finances, household tasks, and other responsibilities.
• Church Support for Victims: Practical ways churches can support victims of abuse, such as knowing local resources, helping with logistics, and offering emotional support. Emphasizing the church's role in ensuring the safety and well-being of individuals over maintaining relationships at all costs.
• Hope and Redemption: Molly Catherine shares a hopeful story of a victim of sexual abuse within a church community and how proper support and handling of the case led to justice and healing.

View Details

RESOURCES:

Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

If you'd like to ask a question for a future "Ask Leslie" episode, go to www.leslievernick.com/askleslie

Questions in this episode:

• Doesn’t there have to be infidelity, domestic violence or abandonment as a reason for divorce?
• What does it mean to detach and can I detach from my husband who shows contempt for me and dismisses my feelings and needs
• How is empathy different from people pleasing?
• What is a narcissist and how do we appropriately use this term?
• What does chronic indifference look like in a relationship?

View Details

RESOURCES:
www.leslievernick.com

Quick Start Guide

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1. Marital Challenges:

   • Rachel describes her passiveness in her marriage, emphasizing the tension between maintaining peace at home and the public persona she had to project.
   • She recounts instances of emotional and verbal abuse from her husband, including public humiliations and controlling behaviors.

   • Custody Battle and Legal Struggles:

   • Rachel talks about the difficult decisions she had to make regarding her children’s well-being and her work-life balance.

   • She details her harrowing experiences with the legal system during her divorce and custody battle, highlighting the allegations and the temporary loss of contact with her children.

   • Health and Recovery:

   • Rachel discusses the impact of stress on her health, leading to hospital visits and a brief institutionalization.

   • She shares her journey towards healing, emphasizing the role of her faith and community support in overcoming her challenges.

   • Empowerment and Advice:

   • Rachel reflects on the lessons learned from her struggles, discussing the importance of recognizing one's worth and the potential dangers of staying in destructive relationships.

   • She offers advice to listeners who might be in similar situations, encouraging them to seek help and prioritize their safety and mental health.

   • New Beginnings and Continued Challenges:

   • Rachel discusses the ongoing challenges of co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner and the strategies she employs to maintain stability for her children.

   • She explores the emotional impact of her journey on her relationship with her children.

   • Spiritual Growth and Personal Insights:

   • Rachel shares how her understanding of biblical teachings on marriage and divorce evolved, highlighting how new interpretations helped her find freedom from oppression.

   • She discusses the role of her faith community and resources like the Conquer program in providing support and validation during her recovery.

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RESOURCES:

• Dr. Alison Cook
• I Shouldn't Feel This Way
• "The Best of You" Podcast
• Lesllie's Quick Start Guide

I. Story: Understanding Emotional Triggers A. Example of anger towards adult child B. Framing emotions: Is it about the other person, oneself, God, or circumstances? C. Importance of recognizing the source of emotions

II. Three Practices for Emotional Health A. Naming Emotions 1. Recognizing and labeling feelings without judgment 2. Importance of self-awareness and emotional vocabulary

B. Framing Emotions 1. Understanding the context and underlying causes of emotions 2. Examining personal responsibility and perspective

C. Braving Action 1. Taking intentional steps based on emotional understanding 2. Balancing discernment and action in response to emotions

III. Selfhood and Agency in Relationships A. Acknowledging personal needs and boundaries B. Exploring societal and Christian expectations for women C. Embracing selfhood as essential for healthy relationships

IV. Recognizing Self-Gaslighting A. Identifying invalidation of personal experiences B. Cultivating self-trust and authenticity C. Partnering with God's discernment in navigating emotions

V. Benefits for Spiritual and Psychological Growth A. Integration of faith and psychology in emotional healing B. Understanding the role of emotions and the body in spiritual life C. Tools for self-compassion and emotional resilience

This episode delves into practical strategies for emotional discernment, emphasizing self-awareness, framing emotions, and taking intentional action. It highlights the importance of embracing selfhood and offers tools for self-compassion and growth, regardless of one's spiritual beliefs.

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RESOURCES
www.leslievernick.com
Suicide and crisis hotline: 988

• Challenges in Recognizing Unsafe Relationships

  • Dismissing Own Feelings and Needs
  • Fear of Confronting Truth About Relationship Dynamics

  • Addressing Misguided Advice

  • Forgiveness and Forgetting

    • Importance of Remembering Past Actions for Setting Boundaries
    • Illustration: Story of the Songwriter Behind "Amazing Grace"
    • Understanding Need for Repentance and Growth
  • Maintenance vs. Repair Work in Relationships
    • Analogy: House Maintenance and Repair
    • Necessity of Addressing Trust and Safety Issues Before Other Issues
    • Recognizing Difference Between Maintenance Tasks and Repair Work

  • Understanding Individual Capacity and Emotional Management

  • Importance of Self-Awareness in Managing Emotions

  • Recognizing Emotional Capacity and Limitations
  • Analogies: Understanding Emotional Capacity Through Everyday Examples

  • Taking Ownership of Personal Growth

  • Individual Responsibility for Personal Development

  • Importance of Prioritizing Self-Care and Emotional Well-Being
  • Recognizing When Individual Work is Necessary Before Addressing Relationship Issues

  • Seeking Help and Support

  • Encouragement to Seek Professional Guidance and Support

  • Highlighting Available Resources for Personal Growth and Relationship Support
  • Empowerment to Prioritize Personal Growth and Safety in Relationships

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Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care

1. Introduction to Boundaries

2. Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect.

3. Understanding the importance of boundaries in various aspects of life.

4. Recognizing Boundary Violations

5. Signs of boundary violations include feeling drained, disrespected, or overwhelmed.

6. Identifying situations where boundaries are being crossed and acknowledging the need for change.

7. Establishing Boundaries

8. The importance of clear communication when setting boundaries.

9. Examples of effective boundary-setting phrases

10. Dealing with Criticism

11. Addressing criticism that may arise when implementing boundaries.

12. Seeking support from understanding individuals who respect your journey.

13. Respecting Yourself

14. Embracing self-respect and understanding that boundaries are not selfish but necessary for personal growth.

15. Recognizing and valuing your uniqueness and individual needs.

16. Knowing Yourself

17. The importance of self-awareness in establishing and maintaining boundaries.

18. Understanding your preferences, limitations, and values to make informed decisions.

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RESOURCES:
Find Joel Muddamalle's books and more at: www.muddamalle.com
Find Leslie's books, programs, and more at: www.leslievernick.com
Find Lysa Terkeurst and the Therapy and Theology podcast: www.lysaterkeurst.com/therapy-and-theology

I. Introduction: Setting the Stage

• Acknowledging the complexity and sensitivity surrounding the issue of divorce and the Bible

II. Interpreting Malachi 2:16

• Analysis of the New King James Version's interpretation of Malachi 2:16
• Emphasis on the importance of understanding cultural context and nuances in translation
• Addressing misconceptions and criticism regarding biblical interpretation

III. Unpacking the Statement "God Hates Divorce"

• Clarification of the implications of a unilateral statement from God
• Discussion on the potential impact on individuals experiencing divorce
• Emphasis on the need for a nuanced understanding of biblical teachings

IV. Marriage, Divorce, and Biblical Context

• Examination of Exodus 21 and implications for marriage and divorce
• Discussion on the complexity of marital relationships and divine understanding
• Exploration of the New Testament teachings on divorce, particularly Jesus' response to the Pharisees

V. Understanding the Cultural and Historical Context

• Insights into the debate between the Hillel and Shammai camps regarding divorce
• Analysis of Jesus' response to the Pharisees and its cultural implications
• Consideration of Paul's teachings on divorce and remarriage

VI. Pastoral and Ethical Implications

• Reflection on the pastoral responsibilities in addressing divorce and marriage issues
• Advocacy for seeking specialized help and guidance in dealing with complex marital situations
• Emphasis on the importance of theological honesty and discernment in interpreting scripture

VII. Encouragement and Final Words

• Affirmation of God's love and care for individuals, particularly women
• Encouragement to uphold one's dignity and worth as children of God
• Call to discernment, prayer, and reliance on the Holy Spirit in understanding biblical truths.

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In this deeply personal episode, Elizabeth courageously shares her journey of facing the reality of her marriage and finding the strength to pursue freedom and healing. Here's a comprehensive overview of her story:

RESOURCES:
JOIN CONQUER: www.leslievernick.com/join

• Leslie's website: www.leslievernick.com
• Darby Strickland: www.darbystrickland.com
  Lysa Terkeurst: www.lysaterkeurst.com
  Episode with Jeremy Pierre & Greg Wilson: https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-g8pj3-b3457b
• "When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church," by Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre
• Peaceworks Live 2024
• Quick Start Guide

Early Signs of Trouble:

• Elizabeth describes the early signs of trouble in her marriage, including controlling behavior and emotional manipulation from her husband.
• Despite her efforts to maintain peace, she grappled with feelings of rejection and struggled to assert her own autonomy.

Escalation and Confrontation:

• The situation escalated as Elizabeth's husband exerted more control over major decisions in the family, leading to confrontations and emotional turmoil.
• Elizabeth recounts instances where she stood up for herself, challenging her husband's authority and facing his disapproval.

Coping Mechanisms and Inner Conflict:

• Elizabeth shares her internal struggle between wanting to honor her husband and feeling suffocated by his control.
• She alternated between coping with strength and exploding with anger, grappling with feelings of guilt and grief afterward.

Awakening to Unhealthy Dynamics:

• Through reading Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," Elizabeth began to recognize the unhealthy dynamics in her relationship.
• She realized that she had inadvertently made her husband the center of her life, prioritizing the marriage over addressing underlying issues.

Separation and Reconciliation Attempts:

• Elizabeth opens up about the difficult decision to separate from her husband and the subsequent attempts at reconciliation.
• Despite seeking counseling and church support, the marriage continued to deteriorate, leading Elizabeth to face the painful reality of divorce.

Finding Peace and Acceptance:

• Elizabeth reflects on her journey towards finding peace and acceptance amidst the shame and pain of divorce.
• She emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one's own behavior and finding grace and support from others.

Community and Support:

• Elizabeth highlights the profound impact of joining Conquer and the supportive community she found there.
• Through Conquer, she found a safe space to share her struggles, receive practical tools for growth, and form deep, lasting connections with other women.

Encouragement and Hope:

• Elizabeth encourages listeners to be honest with themselves about their own behavior and seek support and community as they navigate their own journeys.
• She finds hope in the midst of brokenness, recognizing the transformative power of God's love and the possibility of growth and healing.

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Segment 1: Setting Boundaries with Compassion

• Leslie emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries for safety without resorting to shaming or demeaning language.
• Discussing the misconceptions around divorce and the true essence of God's stance on marriage, rooted in love and protection for women.

Segment 2: The Journey of Forgiveness

• Examining the stages of forgiveness and repentance in rebuilding a fractured marriage.
• Understanding the woman's role in moving forward, including evaluating trust, releasing resentment, and embracing personal growth.

Segment 3: Confronting Painful Realities

• Sharing poignant stories of tragedy and anger to illustrate the lasting impact of recklessness and the necessity of processing emotions.
• Encouraging listeners to rewrite their stories beyond victimhood, embracing resilience and new beginnings.

Conclusion:

• Leslie emphasizes that, regardless of the outcome, finding peace and growth is possible.
• Julie reinforces the idea that even if the desired ending differs from reality, a happy conclusion can still be achieved through personal transformation.

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In this episode, we dive deep into Marie's inspiring journey of breaking free from an emotionally destructive marriage, finding strength in faith, and building a new life of purpose and empowerment.

Part 1: Recognizing Toxic Patterns

In the first part of our show, Leslie and Marie confront harmful beliefs perpetuated by society and religion. They discuss the misconceptions surrounding marriage, divorce, and self-sacrifice, shedding light on the importance of discerning between true biblical teachings and damaging ideologies.

Part 2: Embracing Healing and Growth

Marie courageously shares her story of recognizing warning signs, seeking support, and setting boundaries to protect herself from further harm. Through the Conquer Group and trusted family members, she found the strength to navigate the challenges of divorce and embrace the healing process with resilience and faith.

Key Points:

1. Challenging Toxic Beliefs: Marie and Leslie challenge damaging beliefs that perpetuate toxic patterns in relationships. They emphasize the importance of discerning between true biblical teachings and harmful misconceptions that contribute to emotional and psychological harm.
2. Recognizing Warning Signs: Marie recounts her journey of acknowledging the warning signs of abuse and the pivotal moment when she realized she couldn't ignore them any longer. She shares her experience of grappling with emotional manipulation and gradually coming to terms with the severity of her situation.
3. Seeking Support: Through the Conquer Group and trusted family members, Marie found the courage to seek support and guidance. She emphasizes the importance of reaching out to trusted individuals who can offer perspective and encouragement during difficult times.
4. Setting Boundaries: Marie reflects on the crucial role of setting boundaries in protecting oneself from further harm. She shares how prioritizing her well-being and asserting her needs, despite pushback from her ex-husband, helped her regain a sense of autonomy and self-respect.
5. Embracing Healing: Despite the challenges of divorce and rebuilding her life as a single mother, Marie embraced the healing process with resilience and faith. She shares how leaning on her relationship with God and embracing her identity outside of marriage empowered her to envision a brighter future.
6. Moving Forward with Purpose: Today, Marie is embarking on a new chapter of entrepreneurship, leveraging her experiences to support other women in similar situations. She encourages listeners to prioritize their own growth and well-being, knowing that they are deserving of love, respect, and fulfillment.

RESOURCESJoin Leslie's free workshop April 9th. Register at www.leslievernick.com/freetraining

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Leslie interviews Rebecca Davis, author of the Untwisting Scriptures series.

1. The Genesis of "Untwisting Scriptures"

2. Discover the origins of Rebecca's groundbreaking series, sparked by the urgent need to address misuses of scripture in handling sensitive issues like sexual abuse.

3. Learn how Rebecca's journey evolved from social media advocacy to a comprehensive exploration of scriptural interpretations.

4. Challenging Authority and Misinterpretation

5. Rebecca's transition from missionary storytelling to theological discourse, as she courageously challenges flawed interpretations of scripture.

6. Understand the significance of Rebecca's work in addressing gender disparities and offering fresh perspectives within theological discussions.

7. Addressing Core Issues

8. Delve into the critical themes tackled in Rebecca's books, including the misrepresentation of Christian rights and the often misunderstood concept of biblical bitterness.

9. Gain valuable insights as Rebecca realigns these notions with the true character of God, providing a roadmap to understanding and spiritual freedom.

10. Cultivating a New Vision of God

11. Uncover Rebecca's mission to correct distorted images of God prevalent in abusive religious environments, revealing the loving, relational nature of the divine.

12. Experience a transformative journey toward spiritual clarity as Rebecca illuminates the true essence of God's word.

13. Reception and Impact

14. Explore the overwhelming positive response to Rebecca's work, underscoring the profound need for her message in a world hungering for authentic spiritual guidance.

15. Understand the formidable challenge Rebecca's engagement with scripture poses to critics, despite minimal direct confrontation.

16. Untwisting Bitterness and Beyond

17. Delve into the unjust accusations of bitterness often faced by victims in abusive situations, as Rebecca offers fresh perspectives on accountability and forgiveness within the church.

18. Gain invaluable insights into navigating complex emotions and reclaiming spiritual agency.

Resources:
Rebecca Davis: www.rebeccadavisinfo.com
Untwisting Scriptures Book series: https://heresthejoy.com/untwistingscriptures/
Leslie Vernick: www.leslievernick.com

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Defining Self-Esteem and Self-Image

• Julie poses the question: What constitutes healthy self-esteem, especially from a biblical standpoint?
• Leslie explores the concept of self-esteem in relation to self-image.
• Discussion on the formation of self-image through interactions and perceptions, particularly in childhood.
• Highlighting the role of parental influence and societal standards in shaping self-esteem.

Understanding Humility and Self-Acceptance

• Expanding on the notion of humility as a component of healthy self-esteem.
• Drawing parallels between humility and accepting one's limitations.
• Leslie emphasizes the importance of embracing truth about oneself and avoiding unrealistic expectations.
• Discussing the difference between self-improvement and self-condemnation.

Biblical Perspective on Self-Worth

• Julie prompts discussion on what the Bible says about self-worth and identity.
• Leslie highlights biblical verses affirming inherent value and purpose in individuals.
• Emphasizing God's unconditional love and acceptance regardless of human flaws.
• Encouraging listeners to recognize their worth as God's beloved creations.

Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

• Addressing the impact of negative self-talk and external criticisms on self-esteem.
• Sharing personal anecdotes and struggles with self-esteem.
• Strategies for combating negative self-talk, including renewing the mind with truth.
• Encouraging listeners to challenge and replace self-defeating thoughts with affirmations of truth.

Balancing Self-Care and Self-Improvement

• Delving into the fine line between self-care and self-absorption.
• Discussing the potential pitfalls of excessive self-focus in pursuit of improvement.
• Advocating for a balanced approach that includes consideration of others' needs and interests.
• Highlighting the importance of nurturing healthy relationships and community support.

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In this compelling episode, we delve into the courageous journey of Amanda as she navigates through tumultuous waters in her marriage, finding strength, and healing amidst chaos.

Early Struggles and Expectations:

• Amanda reflects on the early struggles in her marriage, feeling the weight of societal and religious expectations placed upon her as a wife and Christian. The pressure to maintain a facade of perfection made it difficult for her to seek help.

Impact on Family and Identity Crisis:

• She shares the realization of how her marital struggles affected her children, prompting her to prioritize their well-being over societal expectations. Amanda opens up about the identity crisis she experienced when her reactions contradicted her perceived identity.

Overcoming Shame and Seeking Help:

• Despite feelings of shame and embarrassment, Amanda reached a turning point when she recognized the need to prioritize her mental health and seek support for herself and her children.

Discovering Support and Resources:

• Amanda discusses her journey of finding support through programs like Conquer and Walking in Core Strength, which provided her with valuable tools and biblical guidance to navigate through her challenges.

Facing Reality and Acceptance:

• Amanda bravely confronts the reality of her marital situation, acknowledging persistent behavior patterns. Despite the challenges, she maintains hope and resilience, prioritizing personal growth and the well-being of herself and her children.

RESOURCES:
Join Walking in Core Strength: www.leslievernick.com/strength

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The Danger of Pornography:

• It's not just a biblical issue; studies in psychology and science show the harmful effects of pornography.
• Pornography can lead to sexual dysfunction, making individuals less responsive to a normal sexual relationship with their partner.
• Internet addiction, including pornography, is causing societal problems, making people less connected and more self-absorbed.

The Objectification and Harm of Women:

• Leslie points out the mistreatment, objectification, and even trafficking of women in the pornography industry.
• She quotes Jesus, who condemned those who harm children, linking this to the harm caused by pornography, especially when children are involved.

Is Pornography Adultery?:

• According to the Bible, adultery is not limited to physical acts; it also includes unfaithfulness and lustful thoughts.
• The reluctance of some churches to equate pornography with adultery may stem from the fear of increasing divorce rates in their congregations.

Addressing Pornography Addiction:

• It's important to learn how to say no to oneself for a higher purpose.
• If one can't be honest about their addiction and seeks to hide it, the lying becomes a deeper issue than the addiction itself.

Masturbation:

• If a partner is unavailable due to injury or illness, self-care may be appropriate. However, using masturbation to avoid intimacy can be harmful to the relationship.

Women and Pornography:

• Pornography is not solely a male issue, as more women are exploring their own sexual desires.
• Leslie highlights the dangers of pornography, emphasizing that it can lead to unhealthy relationships and addiction.

Talking to Children About Pornography:

• Leslie provides advice on how to approach the topic of children watching pornography or exploring their bodies.
• She emphasizes not shaming children but educating them about appropriate boundaries.

Hope for Recovery:

• Leslie offers hope for those affected by pornography addiction, emphasizing the importance of forgiveness and redemption.
• She encourages a path toward honesty and away from deception and addiction.

Support for Spouses:

• Leslie advises spouses not to become consumed with fixing their partner's problem but to address their own emotions and needs.
• It's essential to focus on personal safety, trust, and emotional well-being while being compassionate and supportive.

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1. Understanding Abuse Dynamics:

   • Andrew and Leslie delve into the multifaceted nature of abuse, encompassing emotional, psychological, and spiritual manipulation.
   • They highlight the insidious tactics employed by abusers to exert control and maintain power over their victims, emphasizing the importance of recognizing red flags and setting boundaries.

   • Breaking the Silence:

   • Both hosts underscore the significance of breaking the silence surrounding abuse and fostering environments of safety and support for survivors to share their experiences.

   • They encourage listeners to validate and honor their own narratives, while also extending empathy and understanding to those who may struggle to disclose their stories.

   • Navigating Victimhood and Empowerment:

   • Andrew and Leslie engage in a nuanced discussion on the concept of victim blaming, emphasizing the importance of holding perpetrators accountable while offering compassion and support to survivors.

   • They explore the complexities of maturity and self-empowerment, challenging harmful narratives that perpetuate cycles of shame and self-blame.

   • Spiritual Dynamics and Healing:

   • In the context of Christian faith, Leslie addresses the challenges faced by women reconciling teachings of submission with experiences of abuse, highlighting the need for discernment and critical engagement with scripture.

   • Andrew shares his personal journey of confronting his past actions and embracing a process of self-reflection and transformation, emphasizing the role of truth-telling, accountability, and therapeutic support in his healing journey.

   • Practical Steps Toward Healing:

   • Practical advice is offered for individuals experiencing abuse, including seeking support from trusted networks, consulting with professionals, and prioritizing safety and self-care.

Both hosts emphasize the importance of recognizing triggers, practicing self-awareness, and advocating for healthy boundaries in relationships as crucial steps toward healing and empowerment.

RESOURCES:
Join Walking in Core Strength
Andrew Bauman's book, How Not to Be an #ss
Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health & Trauma
Andrew Bauman's Website

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Podcast Show Notes: Managing Emotions and Conflict Resolution

In this comprehensive discussion on managing emotions and resolving conflicts, various tools and strategies are explored to navigate challenging conversations and maintain healthy relationships.

Understanding Emotional Responses:

• The conversation begins by acknowledging the complexity of emotional responses, especially in high-conflict situations.
• Emotions like frustration and desperation often arise when individuals feel unheard or invalidated by the other party.

Tools for Emotional Regulation:

• Practical tools are discussed for managing strong emotions during difficult conversations.
• Grounding oneself internally is emphasized, highlighting the importance of not overly relying on external factors for emotional stability.

Preparation for Conflict:

• Prior preparation for conflict is recommended, including affirming internally that one's validation doesn't depend on the other party's approval.
• Setting boundaries around communication and emotional engagement is crucial for maintaining composure during heated discussions.

Biblical Principles in Conflict Resolution:

• The discussion incorporates biblical teachings on conflict resolution, emphasizing the importance of gentle communication and avoiding harsh words.
• Anecdotes are shared to illustrate how calm and empathetic responses can defuse tense situations.

Addressing Lingering Relationship Issues:

• The conversation shifts to addressing unresolved issues within relationships, such as past infidelity.
• The importance of acknowledging the impact of past actions and showing compassion for the affected party is emphasized.

Individual Responsibility vs. Relationship Dynamics:

• While individuals are responsible for their own healing and emotional well-being, genuine efforts from both parties are necessary for resolving relationship issues.
• Seeking professional help for unresolved trauma or emotional distress is encouraged, alongside self-reflection for personal growth.

Conclusion:

• This comprehensive discussion underscores the importance of self-awareness, boundary-setting, and compassionate communication in navigating challenging conversations and resolving conflicts within relationships.
• Practical strategies are integrated with biblical principles to provide a holistic approach to emotional regulation and conflict resolution.

Resources:
Sign up for Walking in Core Strength - www.leslievernick.com/strength

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, a tool to recognize unproductive patterns in arguments.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, a method for managing communication in contentious situations.

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Julie and Coach Diana answer all your questions about Walking in Core Strength... and offer valuable insights you can apply to your life today.

1. Understanding Core Strength: Diana explains how Walking in Core Strength focuses on nurturing maturity and rediscovering one's identity rooted in Christ.
2. Unveiling Destructive Patterns: Learn how the program helps women identify and challenge destructive beliefs and behaviors.
3. Cultivating Empowerment: Discover the importance of setting healthy boundaries and taking responsibility for personal growth and well-being.
4. Embracing Faith and Transformation: Hear about the supportive community and deep Christian fellowship that participants experience in the program.
5. Taking the Next Step: Interested listeners can sign up for Walking in Core Strength at www.leslievernick.com/strength and embark on a journey of faith-based empowerment and transformation.

Join Julie and Diana as they explore the life-changing potential of Walking in Core Strength and invite Christian women to step into a renewed sense of purpose and freedom.

To learn more and sign up for the program, visit www.leslievernick.com/strength.

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Topic: Reconciling After Separation

In this episode, we discuss a question regarding reconciliation after a 34-year marriage marred by issues of pornography and verbal abuse. Despite the challenges, both individuals have made personal progress over the years and are now contemplating the possibility of reuniting.

Key Points:

1. Assessing Individual Growth:

   • One crucial aspect is evaluating individual growth and whether both parties have made positive changes over the years.
   • It's essential to consider if the person seeking reconciliation has demonstrated genuine efforts to address past issues, such as seeking therapy or counseling.

   • Exploring Expectations:

   • Questions about expectations for the future arise, including whether the desire to reconcile stems from genuine personal growth or external pressures.

   • Both individuals should reflect on their personal desires and needs, independent of society's or family's expectations.

   • Establishing Boundaries:

   • Setting boundaries is crucial, especially regarding behaviors that contributed to the initial separation, such as pornography use or verbal abuse.

   • Both parties must demonstrate respect for each other's boundaries and be willing to uphold them consistently.

   • Testing Compatibility:

   • Before considering moving back in together, it's advisable to test compatibility through short-term arrangements or trial periods.

   • Spending extended time together, such as weekends or vacations, can provide insight into whether reconciliation is viable in the long run.

   • Prioritizing Self-Care:

   • Individuals should prioritize their own well-being and personal growth throughout the reconciliation process.

   • This includes maintaining boundaries, seeking support from a community or therapist, and engaging in self-reflection.

Conclusion: Deciding whether to reconcile after a significant separation involves careful introspection, communication, and a commitment to personal growth. It's essential for both parties to prioritize their well-being and assess compatibility before making any long-term decisions.

Resources:

• Video: When to Separate and When to Reconcile
• For men seeking resources on personal growth and relationship improvement, Chris Moles and Andrew Bauman offer valuable insights and support.
• Books such as "How Not to Be a Jerk in Your Marriage" by Andrew Bauman provide practical guidance for men navigating relationship challenges and personal growth.
• The book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 can help individuals develop emotional intelligence and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
• If you are a man who wants to change: video.

Disclaimer: Individual circumstances vary, and the decision to reconcile should be based on careful consideration of personal needs, boundaries, and compatibility.

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In this poignant and candid episode of "Relationship Truth, Unfiltered," Leslie's guest, Mark Savage bares his soul as he shares his extraordinary journey from the depths of a devastating affair to the triumphant rebuilding of trust with his spouse, Jill.
Mark takes us through the challenges of personal growth, honest conflict resolution, and celebrating individual strengths within their marriage. This episode serves as a powerful testament to Mark's inspiring story of redemption and resilience, offering a beacon of hope for those looking to break free from destructive relationship patterns and embark on the path to a brighter, trust-filled future.

Introduction

• Introduce the episode with a brief overview of the topic and the guest, Mark Savage.
• Highlight the significance of rebuilding trust in a relationship and the journey towards becoming a trustworthy person.

Mark Savage's Personal Journey

• Discuss Mark's personal journey of transformation and the challenges he faced.
• Emphasize the commitment and difficulty involved in making profound changes.

Jill's Growth and "Inviting with Love"

• Explain how Jill, Mark's spouse, played a crucial role in their healing journey.
• Discuss Jill's commitment to personal growth and her approach of "inviting with love" to encourage Mark's return home.

Rebuilding Trust and Accountability

• Explore the strategies and decisions Mark and Jill implemented to rebuild trust.
• Highlight their commitment to healthy conflict resolution and open communication.
• Mention their practice of reading books together to facilitate growth and understanding.
• Explain the shift in accountability, where Mark took more responsibility for his actions and decisions.

Becoming Trustworthy and Embracing Strengths

• Discuss Mark's personal transformation, his self-acceptance, and newfound confidence.
• Highlight the importance of celebrating each other's strengths within a marriage.
• Emphasize the evolution from rebuilding trust to becoming trustworthy.

Connecting with Mark and Jill

• Direct listeners to Mark and Jill's website, MarkandJill.org, for more information on their ministries, courses, and resources.
• Provide Mark's email address, mark@JamSavageMinistries.org, for direct contact and inquiries.

Closing Prayer

• Share a heartfelt prayer for the podcast listeners, asking for hope, grace, and mercy in their journeys.
• Conclude with a message of hope, highlighting the possibility of breaking free from destructive relationship patterns.

ResourcesSign up for Leslie's free webinar Tuesday, February 13th. Just go to: www.leslievernick.com/OK

www.MarkandJill.org

I Really Messed Up and No More Perfect Marriages books can be found at www.MarkandJill.org/books

www.rebuildingtrust.us

www.markandjill.org

mark@jamsavageministries.org

Other ResourcesDomestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

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In this podcast episode, Julie Sedenko talks to Traci, a member of Leslie Vernick's Conquer support group, about her experiences in a destructive marriage and her journey towards healing and self-discovery.

• Traci opens up about her traumatic childhood, raised by a single mother who struggled with addiction and neglect.
• She shares how her early life experiences, including abuse and gaslighting from her mother, influenced her perceptions of relationships.
• Traci talks about her first marriage, which ended amicably, and how she entered her second marriage with hope and optimism.
• She discusses the red flags she overlooked in her second marriage, such as her husband's emotional unavailability and inappropriate relationships with other women.
• Traci highlights the importance of seeking counseling and finding support when facing a destructive marriage.
• She reflects on her journey of self-discovery, growth, and faith in God, leading to her healing and peace.

Traci's story is a testament to resilience and the power of faith and self-worth in overcoming challenging circumstances.

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Welcome to this episode where we tackle the tough topic of sexual addiction. Julie Sedenko chats with relationship expert Leslie Vernick, and they dig deep into the emotions and challenges involved. If you or someone you know is dealing with a similar situation, stay tuned for some valuable insights and practical tips.

Understanding Anger:

• Julie discusses the challenges faced by individuals dealing with a spouse's sexual addiction.
• Leslie emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and addressing anger as a valid emotion in this situation.

Part 1: Dealing with Anger

• Leslie shares insights on how individuals can manage their anger constructively when facing a spouse's sexual addiction.
• The discussion covers the significance of not suppressing anger and finding healthy outlets for it.
• Suggestions include venting to a friend, counselor, or support group, as well as engaging in activities like writing, physical exercise, or even crying to release emotional tension.
• The importance of recognizing that anger is a signal that something is wrong and can provide the energy needed for positive change is emphasized.
• Retaliating against the spouse's actions is discouraged, and the focus is on constructive ways to handle anger.

Part 2: Seeking Help and Making Choices

• The conversation emphasizes the need for support and the importance of setting boundaries to protect one's well-being.
• Encouragement is given to the spouse with the addiction to seek help and support.
• Leslie addresses the question of whether it's possible for someone to truly overcome sexual addiction and explains the need for ongoing support and accountability.
• The importance of making choices and reframing one's perspective is discussed.
• A shift from asking, "Why is this happening to me?" to "Why is this happening for me?" is encouraged.
• The conclusion emphasizes that individuals are capable of handling difficult situations and emotions and encourages seeking support and resources to cope with anger while navigating this challenging journey.

Conclusion:

• Individuals can do hard things, and there are people willing to help them through it.

Resources:

Leslie's Quick Start Guide

She Deserves Better by Sheila Gregoire

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1. Advice for Women in Conservative Churches

   • Find a trustworthy female within the church to confide in.
   • Seek someone who embodies godliness and can provide a receptive ear.
   • Avoid putting the burden of finding the perfect words or expression on victims.

   • The Role of Humility in Pastors

   • Pastors must have humility when dealing with abuse cases.

   • Be aware of the woman's perspective if she is to speak to the elders. Ways to help her feel safe.

   • Training and Awareness

   • The growth of awareness and training in seminaries and conservative circles.

   • Upcoming training opportunities and resources for pastors and church leaders.
   • Importance of knowing local resources specializing in domestic abuse.

   • Creating Safety Plans

   • Encouragement for pastors to receive proper training and create safety plans.

   • The impact of creating safety plans for victims and changing their perspective.
   • Encouragement for pastors to embrace the labor of love in opposing evil and upholding good.

Conclusion:

• Encouragement for pastors and church leaders to seek training and knowledge in addressing domestic abuse.
• The importance of creating a safe and supportive environment within conservative churches.

Additional Resources:

• "When Home Hurts: A Guide for Responding Wisely to Domestic Abuse in Your Church," by Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre
• Peaceworks Live 2024
• Quick Start Guide

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• Discovering the Betrayal

  • Dee's life as a pastor's wife and the shock of discovering her husband's affair.
  • The initial emotions of hurt, anger, and confusion.
  • The difficulty of facing infidelity within the confines of the church community.

  • Seeking Support and Clarity

  • Dee's decision to reach out to her pastor for guidance and support.

  • The disappointment of the pastor's response and the need to find alternative help.
  • Her discovery of the Conquer program and how it provided clarity in a confusing situation.

  • Taking Control of Her Life

  • Dee's realization that she had the power to make choices for her future.

  • The importance of separating herself from an unhealthy relationship.
  • The role of Conquer and her faith in helping her regain control and self-worth.

  • Forgiveness and Moving Forward

  • Dee's journey towards forgiveness and understanding its different layers.

  • The distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation.
  • How staying close to God and finding a supportive church community helped her heal.

  • Conclusion

  • Dee's message to those facing infidelity: Seek support, stay close to God, and remember your worth.

  • Her story is a testament to resilience, faith, and the possibility of finding healing after betrayal.

Resources:

Leslie Vernick's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

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God's Love and Plans

• Encouragement from Survivors
• Emphasizing God's Love and Divine Plans

Overcoming Challenges

• Staying the Course
• Trusting God and Finding Hope

Freedom and Self-Worth

• Embracing Freedom and Self-Worth in Christ
• The Importance of Recognizing Your Value

Seek Help and Build Relationships

• The Power of Seeking Support
• Building a Support Network

Focus on Children

• Prioritizing Children's Well-being
• Empowering Children in Challenging Situations

Dealing with Betrayal Trauma

• Addressing Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Trauma
• Encouraging Help-Seeking and Resources

Taking Time for Healing

• Practicing Self-Compassion
• Allowing Time for Healing and Growth

Finding Hope

• Offering Empathy and Understanding
• The Promise of Transformation and Renewal

Conclusion

• Empowering Women to Become Conquerors

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Merry Christmas to our podcast listeners!

In this episode Leslie and Julie share some Christmas memories and some practical advice, especially for those who find this to be a difficult holiday.

The Gift of Presence: Leslie emphasizes the importance of preparation and the opportunity to create a more positive Christmas experience. She recommends starting the day with gratitude and setting intentions for how you want to feel.

Leslie explains the significance of recognizing that God is in you and with you. She also explains how to use breath as a tool to calm the body and switch thoughts when negative emotions arise.

Finding Hope in Christmas: Julie shares a personal experience of finding hope in Christmas after the loss of a loved one. She emphasizes the importance of intentionally focusing on what Christmas represents, even during difficult times.

God's Presence Among Us: Leslie shares a powerful story from her experiences in the Philippines, where she encountered people living along railroad tracks in cardboard shacks. She draws a parallel between Jesus' humble birth in a manger and the way God lived among the lowly.

Closing Thoughts: We hope you will make meaningful Christmas memories, even in challenging circumstances. We wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas.

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Today's episode is a deep dive into the concept of purity culture. Many women have expressed feeling damaged by the pressure to remain pure or to marry someone with whom they had sex before marriage.

Leslie and Julie discuss what purity culture is and its impact on individuals.

Defining Purity Culture:

Purity culture is rooted in the belief that sex outside of marriage is wrong, based on biblical teachings. It emphasizes the importance of keeping oneself sexually pure until marriage and the sanctity of the marital relationship. God designed marriage to be a safe and trusting environment for raising healthy children and enjoying sexual pleasure within the bounds of commitment.

Purity Culture Practices:

Purity culture often includes practices like purity rings, purity proms, and events where fathers give their daughters purity rings. Young girls pledge to abstain from any form of physical intimacy until marriage.

The culture places the burden of maintaining sexual integrity mainly on women, with the notion that men struggle with self-control and must be protected from temptation through modest dress.

Impact on Women's Self-esteem:

Purity culture can lead to many negative consequences, such as deeply wounding women's self-esteem. Women who have had sexual experiences outside of marriage or have been victims of abuse may be made to feel like they are "damaged goods."

The culture can perpetuate the idea that a woman's worth is tied to her sexual purity, leading to emotional distress and low self-esteem for those who "don't keep the standard."

Marriage and "One Flesh" Teaching:

Some individuals were taught that, if they had sex before marriage, they were already married in God's eyes, which led to unhappy marriages. Leslie and Julie express their disapproval of this teaching, emphasizing that one mistake doesn't justify making another.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment, but marrying someone who is untrustworthy or unsafe is not the solution to past mistakes or abuses.

Consequences of Purity Culture:

• Purity culture can create unrealistic expectations about sex within marriage.
• Some women have faced blame for their husbands' infidelity or pornography use if they don't meet certain sexual expectations.
• The culture can lead to a skewed sense of responsibility and guilt, especially in cases of sexual abuse or rape.

Dressing Modestly and Respect:

The conversation touches on the importance of dressing modestly and respecting oneself.

While dressing modestly can help prevent unwanted attention, a person's behavior and choices are their own responsibility. No one invites rape through their clothing choices, and the focus should be on respecting oneself rather than preventing others from thinking inappropriate thoughts.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame:

Women who feel burdened by guilt and shame due to past mistakes are encouraged to make empowered choices moving forward. Making a mistake doesn't define one's worth or future; it's an opportunity for growth and learning.

"Stupid tax" is the price we pay for our mistakes, and it's crucial to learn from those experiences.

Balancing Teaching in the Home:

Parents need to have open and honest discussions with their children about sex, relationships, boundaries, and self-respect. Teach children to value themselves and their bodies, emphasizing the importance of making conscious and respectful choices.

Parents should help their children understand that they have control over their bodies and should exercise self-control.

Church's Role in Teaching:

The discussion touches on the role of the church in teaching abstinence and purity. Churches should model healthy relationships and provide education on respect, boundaries, and conflict resolution. Youth pastors can play a crucial role in educating teens about healthy relationships and values.

Equality in Relationships:

It's crucial that both males and females are taught that they are made in God's image and deserve respect and dignity.

Toxic masculinity and toxic femininity within the church are issues that need to be addressed. The focus should be on fostering healthy relationships and values, not on controlling or objectifying individuals.

Sins and Cherry-picking:

The discussion explores the idea that some sins are prioritized over others within the church.

All sins should be addressed, not just those related to sexual purity. Gluttony and abuse of power are examples of sins that are sometimes overlooked.

It's important to remember that God's rules are for our well-being, not to restrict us.

Boundaries and Freedom:

God's rules are guidelines for our well-being, rather than limitations on our freedom. Understanding why these rules exist can help individuals embrace them with a positive perspective.

Resources:

Join Empowered to Change: www.leslievernick.com/change

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Title: Empowered Podcast Episode 2 - Managing Anger and Guarding Your Heart During Difficult Times

Introduction

• Welcome back to the Empowered Podcast.
• In this episode, we delve into the topics of managing anger and guarding your heart during challenging moments.
• Leslie and Elise share valuable insights and practical advice.

Handling Anger in Parenting

• Leslie shares a personal story of her teenage son challenging her.
• Emphasizes not letting emotions hijack your values as a parent.
• Discusses the impact of emotions on self-esteem and personal story.

Releasing Anger in a Healthy Way

• Elise provides tips on releasing anger from your body in a healthy way.
• Deep breathing and prayerfulness in the moment are essential.
• Physical activities like running or ice water submersion to calm the nervous system.
• Writing letters as a form of emotional release.

Communicating with Children About Anger

• Discussing how to communicate with children about anger, especially in challenging situations like divorce.
• Emphasizing age-appropriate communication.
• Modeling healthy self-care and conflict resolution.
• Encouraging honesty without oversharing.

Guarding Your Heart During Divorce

• Addressing a listener's question about guarding their heart during divorce, especially in shared church settings.
• Stressing the importance of protecting your heart and maintaining discretion.
• Not feeling guilty about setting emotional boundaries.

Conclusion

• Practical advice on managing anger, communicating with children, and guarding your heart during difficult times.
• Prioritizing self-care and emotional well-being.
• Join us in the next episode for more empowering insights.

Resources:

Join Empowered to Change: www.leslievernick.com/empowered

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Recognizing the Signs of Abuse

• Carrie reflects on her experience of being in abusive relationships, particularly with her third husband, who exhibited gaslighting and narcissistic behaviors.
• She discusses the covert nature of her second husband's abuse and how he could present himself as kind and harmless to others.

Seeking Safety and Coping Mechanisms

• Carrie opens up about her motivation to stay in her second marriage despite recognizing the abuse. She attributes this decision to her desire to provide financial stability for her son.
• She discusses how her husband would use extravagant gestures to keep her son connected and happy.

Treated Like a Child

• Carrie talks about how her second husband treated her like a child, limiting her authority and decision-making power.
• She shares her frustration about her husband undermining her disciplinary actions with her children when he returned from business trips.

Misdiagnosis and Spiritual Journey

• Carrie reveals that she had been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication for seven years.
• She shares how she turned to her faith and embarked on a spiritual journey, finding solace and guidance through scripture and prayer.

Discovering Leslie Vernick and Emotional Healing

• Carrie discusses how she stumbled upon Leslie Vernick's teachings and how they resonated with her.
• She describes the impact of reading "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" and attending Leslie's workshops on her healing journey.

Escaping the Trap and Finding Strength

• Carrie vividly expresses the emotional toll of her toxic marriage, comparing it to feeling trapped and needing to chew off her own leg to escape.
• She shares how her life has changed since leaving her second husband and how she is rebuilding her life.

Learning to Ask for What She Wants

• Carrie talks about the importance of learning to ask for what she wants and how it has improved her relationships.
• She mentions that people now have more respect for her since she has become more assertive and self-assured.

Words of Encouragement

• Carrie offers words of encouragement to listeners who may be going through similar struggles, emphasizing that there is hope and they are not alone.
• She advises seeking support, doing the necessary work, and being willing to open up the past for healing.

Conclusion:

• Carrie's story serves as a testament to the power of self-discovery, faith, and healing after facing multiple divorces and challenging life experiences.

Resources Mentioned:

• Register for Leslie's free workshop on December 5, 2023: www.leslievernick.com/story
• Learn more about Leslie's other programs, Walking in Core Strength program, Moving Beyond People Pleasing, and Empowered to Change at www.leslievernick.com .
• : www.leslievernick.com

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In this episode, Leslie shares her expertise and guidance on recognizing, addressing, and overcoming financial abuse within intimate partnerships.

Understanding Financial Abuse

• Financial abuse involves controlling or manipulating a partner's access to money and resources.
• Leslie highlights the importance of recognizing the signs of financial abuse, such as limiting access to funds, monitoring spending, or making unilateral financial decisions.

The Impact of Financial Abuse

• Financial abuse has far-reaching consequences, affecting not only your finances but also your emotional and psychological well-being.
• Leslie emphasizes the need to acknowledge the seriousness of financial abuse and its potential to trap victims in unhealthy relationships.

Signs of Financial Abuse

• Leslie provides a detailed list of common signs of financial abuse, including withholding money, sabotaging employment, and forcing financial dependence.
• Understanding these signs can help individuals identify if they are in an abusive relationship.

Breaking Free from Financial Abuse

• Breaking free from financial abuse requires careful planning and support.
• Leslie advises listeners to gather evidence, seek legal counsel, and create a safety plan when considering leaving an abusive relationship.
• She highlights the importance of having a support network and a therapist to help cope with the emotional challenges.

Navigating Financial Conversations

• Open and honest communication is essential for addressing financial abuse.
• Leslie offers strategies for initiating conversations with an abusive partner and setting boundaries.
• She encourages seeking professional help, such as couples counseling, to address underlying issues.

Empowering Yourself Financially

• Financial empowerment involves taking control of your finances and planning for your future.
• Leslie recommends consulting with a financial advisor to gain clarity on your financial situation.
• She emphasizes the importance of setting financial goals and becoming self-sufficient.

Legal Protection and Resources

• Leslie advises victims of financial abuse to consult with an attorney to understand their legal rights and options.
• She highlights the role of restraining orders and protective orders in ensuring safety.
• Leslie also encourages individuals to access local resources and support organizations for help.

Healing and Recovery

• Healing from the trauma of financial abuse takes time and self-compassion.
• Leslie emphasizes the importance of seeking therapy or counseling to address emotional scars.
• She offers encouragement to survivors, reminding them that healing is possible.

Encouragement and Prayer

• Leslie concludes with words of encouragement and a heartfelt prayer for those facing financial abuse.
• She encourages listeners to take proactive steps toward healing and freedom.

Resources:

Remember that you have choices, and there are resources and support available to help you on your journey to healing and empowerment.

To join Empowered to Change: www.leslievernick.com/story

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Introduction: In this enlightening podcast episode, we delve deep into the power of forgiveness as a catalyst for personal transformation. Our guest, author Rose Ann Forte, shares her insights and experiences regarding forgiveness, self-care, and substance abuse.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Importance of Forgiveness:

   • Rose Ann emphasizes that forgiveness is not only about forgiving others but also forgiving oneself. It is a cornerstone of the healing process.
   • When God forgives, He wipes the slate clean and remembers our sins no more, allowing us to move forward without the burden of our past mistakes.

   • Breaking Free from Shame:

   • Rose Ann explains that genuine forgiveness, as God intends it, releases us from the shame and guilt associated with our past actions.

   • She draws parallels to the Apostle Paul, who acknowledged his past sins but no longer felt the shame and self-hatred associated with them after experiencing God's forgiveness.

   • Healthy Self-Care and Transformation:

   • Rose Ann highlights the significance of healthy self-care as an alternative to self-destructive behaviors like excessive drinking or substance abuse.

   • She shares her personal journey of realizing that alcohol was negatively affecting her health and well-being, leading her to prioritize self-care.

   • Challenging Destructive Habits:

   • Rose Ann recommends taking a 90-day challenge to go alcohol-free as a form of self-care. This challenge allows individuals to observe positive changes in their physical and emotional well-being.

   • She emphasizes that it's not about completely forgetting the past but rather breaking free from the emotional baggage associated with it.

   • Understanding Habitual Sin:

   • Rose Ann discusses the concept of habitual sin, where certain behaviors or substances become destructive and steal one's time, talent, and treasure.

   • She encourages individuals to recognize when these behaviors are negatively impacting their lives and seek a healthier path.

   • Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships:

   • Rose Ann compares the destructive relationship with alcohol to toxic human relationships. She advises recognizing the similarities and the need to break free from both.

   • Healthy self-care and self-awareness can help individuals distance themselves from destructive habits and relationships.

   • You Are Not Alone:

   • Rose Ann offers support and encouragement to anyone struggling with substance abuse or destructive behaviors, assuring them that they are not alone in their journey.

Conclusion: Forgiveness, whether of oneself or others, is a pivotal component of healing and growth. Rose Ann's insights shed light on how forgiveness can free us from the shackles of shame and lead to a more fulfilling and purposeful life. Taking steps toward healthy self-care and challenging destructive habits can pave the way for transformation and self-discovery. Remember, you are not alone in your journey, and God's forgiveness and love are always available to guide you towards a brighter future.

Resources:

Rose Ann's Daily devotional

Rose Ann's Website

Sign up for Leslie's FREE Webinar: www.leslievernick.com/story

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Segment 2: Seeking Guidance and Empowerment

• Mentorship from a couple within her denomination.
• Realizing her right to financial independence.
• Support in confronting deception in her marriage.
• Involvement of church leadership in her marital issues.

Segment 3: The Power of Supportive Community

• Joining a Bible study and a revealing conversation about divorce.
• Articulating the decision to leave her abusive marriage.
• Difficulty in deciding to leave due to various abuses endured.
• Recognizing the abuse with the help of a friend.

A New Beginning

• Pursuit of educational growth, including a bachelor's and master's degree.
• Commitment to a slow and steady approach to personal growth.
• Desire to help others find their strengths and break destructive cycles.

Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAG)

• The role of the Conquer program in setting and achieving BHAGs.
• Importance of utilizing resources like Conquer and courses by Leslie Vernick.
• Developing a clearer sense of identity and purpose.

Overcoming Self-Doubt

• Sharing a poignant poem from 2008 reflecting past self-perception.
• Contrasting past self with the empowered woman she has become.
• Flourishing comes with a price but is worth pursuing.

Resources:
www.leslievernick.com

Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival, and My Journey from Homeless to Harvard by Liz Murray https://a.co/d/1D4CTBe

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Segment 1: Identifying Abusive Behavior

• Leslie and Julie discuss the challenge of identifying abusive behavior in relationships, even when it occurs infrequently.
• They emphasize the common tendency to believe the best about people while acknowledging that everyone has flaws and dark sides.

Segment 2: Evaluating Responses

• The importance of evaluating the husband's response when he acts abusively.
• Unhealthy responses, such as blame shifting and deflection, are signs of an unhealthy, controlling person.
• Leslie contrasts these unhealthy responses with healthy ones, emphasizing that healthy individuals take responsibility for their actions.

Segment 3: Biblical Examples

• Biblical examples, specifically David and Saul, to illustrate different responses to wrongdoing.
• David owns his mistakes and his repentance stands in contrast to Saul's blame shifting and excuses.

Segment 4: Assessing Patterns

• Leslie introduces the concept of assessing patterns in abusive behavior.
• Ask specific questions to determine when the abusive behavior first occurred, the most recent incident, the worst occurrence, and typical patterns.
• Recognizing these patterns, especially if they are increasing in frequency and intensity, becomes crucial.

Segment 5: Taking Action

• Practical advice on taking action to address abusive behavior.
• The importance of finding safe ways to remove oneself from potentially dangerous situations and encourage open communication about the need for change and boundaries.

Segment 6: Making Decisions

• The importance of making decisions about what is healthy and acceptable in a relationship.
• "Normal" does not always equate to what is good or right and encourage reflection on personal boundaries and values.

Segment 7: Manipulation and Love Bombing

• The difference between genuine good behavior and charm used for manipulative purposes, urging listeners to discern their partner's true character.

Conclusion: Prioritizing Well-being

• The significance of recognizing patterns, evaluating responses, and taking appropriate action in response to abusive behavior.
• The importance of prioritizing safety and well-being and invite listeners to seek support when needed.

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Trust in God After Divorce

• Many women struggle with trusting God again after a painful divorce.
• Georgia shares her experience of feeling betrayed when her husband, a Christian, turned out to be a porn addict.
• Thers is a common feeling of being cheated by God when life doesn't align with expectations.
• Georgia emphasizes the importance of being honest with God about our doubts and anger.
• It's okay to ask why God allowed certain events to happen, even if answers may not always come.

Cultivating Spiritual Well-being

• How Georgia cultivated her spiritual well-being post-divorce.
• Tthe significance of spiritual well-being for a meaningful life.
• The role of honest expression of emotions and doubts in the journey of faith.
• Suffering doesn't mean one is not following Jesus and that storms can happen in one's Christian walk.

Making Wise Decisions

• The challenge faced by women who haven't made significant decisions on their own due to long-term marriages.
• Georgia's guidance on making decisions, the "three H's": heart, head, and Holy Spirit.
• Seeking wise counsel from fellow Christians who share similar values.
• Mistakes are opportunities for growth and learning.

Finding Joy and Purpose

• The importance of finding joy and purpose after divorce.
• Questions women can ask themselves to explore what brings them joy and meaning.
• Encourage reflection on life experiences, strengths, talents, and passions.
• The value of focusing on small moments of joy and appreciating everyday beauty.

Rebuild After Divorce Membership

• Georgia has an online coaching membership called, "ReBUILD After Divorce" which offers a community as well as a coaching platform for christian women navigating divorce.

Resources:
Join Conquer! www.leslievernick.com/join
Georgia Shaffer: www.georgiashaffer.com
Georgia Shaffer's "ReBUILD After Divorce" group: www.georgiashaffer.com/rebuildmembership

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Understanding the Impact of Internalized Lies

• The psychological impact of internalized lies among abuse survivors.
• The debilitating effects of false beliefs on personal growth and recovery.

The Lies that Impede Healing

• Falsehoods hindering women's capacity to heal and progress post-abuse.
• The inclination to blame external factors while neglecting internalized lies.
• The misconception surrounding divorce and the importance of understanding biblical perspectives in abusive relationships.
• Addressing emotions like fear, doubt, and anxiety stemming from abuse and their potential to obstruct healing.
• Discernment and the ability to differentiate truth from falsehood.

Navigating Towards Healing and Truth

• The importance of taking responsibility for one's life and not relying solely on external authorities.
• Prioritizing self-discovery, discernment, and establishing healthy boundaries.
• The significance of formulating a personal mission statement.

Resources:
www.leslievernick.com
Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start
Charlene Quint: www.abusecare.org

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In this powerful episode, Jennifer shares her courageous journey of surviving a destructive marriage characterized by coercive control.

Part 1: Unveiling Coercive Control

• Jennifer reveals the insidious nature of coercive control, including constant threats of abandonment and emotional manipulation.
• She emphasizes how these actions often went unnoticed because they were subtle but nonetheless destructive.

Part 2: The Impact of Coercive Control

• Julie delves deeper into Jennifer's experiences, focusing on the profound impact of coercive control.
• Jennifer shares an early experience that revealed her husband's manipulation tactics and how she was discouraged from setting boundaries or expressing opinions.
• Jennifer began to experience anxiety and panic attacks that resulted from her husband's threats and unpredictable behavior.

Part 3: Coping and Staying in the Marriage

• Julie explores Jennifer's coping mechanisms and they explore why she stayed in the marriage.
• Jennifer discusses the gradual progression of abuse and her belief that her husband would eventually change.
• She also reflects on a feeling of being trapped and how fear played a significant role in her decision to stay, particularly after having children.

Part 4: Isolation and Punishment

• The conversation delves into the isolation tactics used by Jennifer's husband.
• Jennifer describes how her husband never explicitly imposed rules but used various strategies to isolate her and exert control.
• She shares examples of emotional punishment, including contempt, belittling, and affection withdrawal, emphasizing the need for recognizing the signs of abuse.

Part 5: Seeking Help and Church Response

• Julie discusses a pivotal moment when Jennifer and her husband sought help from their church.
• Jennifer acknowledges her husband's initial willingness to address the issue and recounts the church's response, including the pastor's advice and the lack of support from church members.

Part 6: Hitting a Breaking Point

• The conversation shifts to a recent incident in 2021 when Jennifer's husband once again walked out on her.
• Jennifer explains the unique challenges she faced due to her husband's control over finances, isolation, and living in foreign countries.
• She describes the extent of her husband's rage, which lasted nonstop for nine weeks, and its emotional toll on her.
• Highlights the power of coercive control and emotional abuse, even without physical violence.

Part 7: Seeking Help and Finding Conquer

• Jennifer shares her journey of seeking help, including a turning point when she cried out to God for guidance.
• Talks about her struggle to find the right support, navigating between secular and Christian advice.
• Discusses how she discovered Conquer and the impact it had on her healing process.

Part 8: The Transformative Power of Conquer

• Jennifer highlights the transformative impact of Conquer on her life.
• Expresses gratitude for the safe and supportive space it provides for women facing similar challenges.
• Discusses key insights and "aha moments" she gained through Conquer, including understanding the abuse cycle and victim mentality.
• Emphasizes the importance of focusing on personal growth and wellness, regardless of the decision to stay or leave an abusive relationship.

Part 9: Encouragement for Others

• Jennifer shares a message of hope and encouragement for those who may be listening and facing similar situations.
• Encourages individuals to consider joining Conquer and emphasizes its role in empowering women to make informed choices about their relationships.
• Highlights the significance of finding a supportive community and taking steps toward healing and personal growth.

Resources:Conquer is open through October 17th. Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/join
Order Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage."
Find other resources at www.leslievernick.com

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In this episode you'll meet Geri, a mentor in the Conquer private membership group. She bravely shares her story of walking through a destructive marriage.

Lesson on Forgiveness and Reconciliation:

• Distinguishing between forgiveness and reconciliation.
• The misconception that forgiving automatically means rebuilding a close relationship.
• The need for comprehensive understanding of forgiveness in abusive situations.

The Love of God and Malachi 2:16:

• Geri's realization about God's love surpassing the institution of marriage.
• Reference to Malachi 2:16 and its impact on her perspective.
• Emphasizing that God values individuals more than preserving a dysfunctional marriage.
• The importance of knowing God's love and protection.

A Supportive Church Community:

• Geri's experience with a supportive church community during her divorce.
• The role of her pastor in providing guidance and perspective.
• The blessing of having a church community that encourages healthy boundaries and protects against abuse.

Differences After Joining Conquer:

• Geri reflects on personal changes since joining Conquer.
• Transition from self-doubt and insecurity to self-acceptance and inner peace.
• No longer relying on external validation for self-worth.
• Desire for a future relationship based on a healthier self-perspective.

Preparing for a Healthy Future Relationship:

• How Geri's newfound self-awareness will inform future relationships.
• The importance of healing personal insecurities and self-development.
• Cultivating a God-centered relationship as a foundation for future relationships.

Final Advice for Listeners:

• Geri's essential advice for listeners in similar situations.
• The importance of pressing into the love of God.
• Personalizing Scripture to reinforce God's love for each individual.
• Encouraging honesty with oneself and willingness to hear the truth.
• Trusting in God's good plan and faithfulness.

Resources:
Join Conquer now through October 17th! www.leslievernick.com/join

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Leslie's special guest on this episode is Sheila Gregoire, author of "She Deserves Better" and "The Great Sex Rescue." Together Sheila and Leslie delve into debunking harmful stereotypes and fostering meaningful connections with your daughters.

Segment 1: Harmful Beliefs About Girls and Their Consequences:

• Sheila discusses (and debunks) the damaging belief that girls talk excessively and its adverse effects on their lives.
• Explore the potential consequences of buying into this stereotype, including the risk of marrying an abuser.

Segment 2: Nurturing Healthy Communication with Daughters:

• Sheila underscores the significance of parents actively listening to their daughters and allowing them to have a voice.
• Encourage ongoing and open dialogues, with an emphasis that parents need not be perfect in these conversations.
• Parents are encouraged to teach their children the art of respectful disagreement and independent thinking.

Segment 3: Impact of Toxic Relationships on Parenting:

• How toxic relationships, particularly abusive marriages, affect parenting.
• Sheila emphasizes the importance of recognizing and breaking free from authoritarian and harmful patterns in one's life.
• Parents are urged to treat their sons and daughters equitably, imparting values of mutual respect and shared responsibilities.
• Delve into setting boundaries and recognizing red flags in relationships.

Segment 4: Parenting Daughters in Healthy Relationships and Non-Negotiables:

• Sheila offers valuable advice on parenting daughters and identifies non-negotiables.
• Emphasize that daughters should not be instrumentalized to make parents look good but should be recognized as unique individuals.
• Encourage parents to provide guidance, maintain open conversations, and embrace imperfections.

Resources:
Register for Leslie's free workshop on October 5th, 2023: "If He Doesn't Hit You Is It Still Abuse?" www.leslievernick.com/freetraining

Leslie's website: www.leslievernick.com

Sheila Gregoire's website: www.sheilawraygregoire.com

Sheila's podcast: Bare Marriage (formerly "To Love, Honor and Vacuum"):

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No Relationship is perfect. But when does "not perfect" cross the line into abuse? That's the question Leslie answers in today's episode.

1. Types of Relationships:

2. Differentiate between difficult, disappointing, and destructive marriages.

3. Difficulties can bring couples closer if handled maturely.

4. There are many external stressors in marriages.

5. Disappointing Marriages:

6. Discuss common expectations that lead to disappointment.

7. Emphasize the importance of accepting imperfections in a spouse.

8. Recognizing Destructive Relationships:

9. Define abusive and destructive relationships.

10. What the Bible teaches about love, harm, and taking responsibility.

11. If an abusive incident happens, it is very important that the behavior does not continue.

12. Types of Abuse:

13. Emotional, financial, sexual, and spiritual.

14. Leslie explains the motivations behind using these abusive tactics, primarily control and power.

15. What is the impact of abusive tactics on the victim's self-esteem and freedom?

16. Addressing Sexual Abuse:

17. Misconceptions about sexual abuse in marriage.

18. Analyze 1 Corinthians 7 and its interpretation regarding consent.

19. The importance of mutual respect and consent in marital intimacy.

20. Emotional Abuse:

21. Is "emotional abuse" talked about in the Bible?

22. The power of words and their impact on individuals.

23. Scriptural references about the impact of words on relationships.

24. Taking Responsibility:

25. Leslie and Julie discuss the notion of provocation in abusive relationships.

26. The reality of individual responsibility for emotional reactions.

27. Self-awareness and self-improvement is encouraged in order to break the cycle of abuse.

28. Seeking Help:

29. Guidance for individuals in abusive relationships.

Resources:Free test to discover if you're in a destructive relationshipKindle version of Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage"

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In this show Julie Sedenko has a heartfelt conversation with Debbie, a woman who is rebuilding her life after a painful marriage.

Part 1: The Early Years and Marriage:

• Debbie's background and early life.
• How she met her future husband.
• The early stages of their relationship and marriage.

Part 2: Recognizing Abuse:

• The signs and patterns of emotional and verbal abuse in Debbie's marriage.
• How Debbie came to recognize the abuse she was experiencing.
• Attempts to seek counseling and the challenges she faced.

Part 3: The Turning Point:

• The pivotal moment when Debbie realized she needed to make a change.
• Her decision to initiate a separation from her husband.
• The impact of this decision on her health and well-being.

Part 4: Finding Support and Healing:

• How Debbie discovered Leslie's Conquer membership program.
• How Conquer became a crucial source of support and empowerment for Debbie.
• The importance of the Conquer community in her healing process.

Part 5: Rebuilding and Moving Forward:

• Julie and Debbie discuss the steps Debbie took to rebuild her life after the separation and divorce.
• How Debbie found her dream job and pursued her passion for teaching.
• Debbie talks about the growth in her faith and her role in a new church community.
• A message of hope and resilience for others

RESOURCES: www.leslievernick.com/start

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Leslie interviews Jill Savage, host of the No More Perfect Podcast, a creator of online courses, and the author of 14 books, including "No More Perfect Moms" and "No More Perfect Marriages." The episode dives deep into Jill's personal journey of resilience, redemption, and unconditional love in the face of a significant marital detour.

The Marital Detour and Learning to Love Unconditionally:

• Jill's husband, Mark, resigned from pastoral ministry after 20 years, a decision that initiated their challenging journey.
• The difficulties they faced during a church plant took a toll on both of them.
• Mark's personal struggles with self-worth and identity, stemming from his abusive upbringing, contributed to their marital problems.
• Depression had been a recurring issue in Mark's life.
• Jill describes the emotional detachment and emotional affair that strained their marriage.
• She reflects on God's call to love Mark, even when he seemed unlovable.
• Boundaries and saying "no" became essential components of her love.
• Jill turned to Romans 12:9-21 as her guiding principles during this challenging time.
• She aimed to honor Mark as an image bearer, despite his actions.
• Jill learned that love isn't always soft; it can also include firm boundaries.
• During their separation, Jill displayed grace and love, which Mark later acknowledged.
• Heaping burning coals on his head meant allowing him to see his own actions more clearly.

A Journey to Healing and Treating an Image Bearer with Honor:

• Jill shares how Mark's personal resurrection on Easter Sunday in 2012 turned their marriage and his life around.
• The concept of redemption played a significant role in their journey.
• Jill emphasizes that her journey was not about controlling the outcome of her marriage but focusing on who she needed to be in the process.
• Leslie highlights the importance of treating a spouse, even during a crisis, as an image bearer.
• Jill shares how she maintained honor and respect for Mark despite his behavior.
• Loving unconditionally often includes setting boundaries and holding the other person accountable for their actions.

The Unhumanable Love and The Power of Keeping Your Side of the Street Clean:

• Jill reflects on the term "unhumanable love" and how it became a central theme in her journey.
• She explains how this type of love is beyond human capability and can only be achieved through faith in Christ.
• Jill's actions and love towards Mark made him realize the depth of her love and grace.
• Leslie and Jill discuss the importance of maintaining personal integrity and avoiding retaliation.
• Focusing on one's actions and growth can lead to a clearer path to reconciliation.
• Jill shares personal anecdotes about times when she struggled with anger and imperfection during this process.

Conclusion:

• Jill's journey is a testament to the power of love, grace, and redemption in the face of marital challenges.
• The importance of maintaining personal integrity and heaping burning coals on the other's head is a valuable lesson.
• Healing and restoration require effort from both parties, but unconditional love can be transformative.

RESOURCES Walking in Core Strength group coaching program: www.leslievernick.com/strength

Jill Savage: www.jillsavage.org

www.leslievernick.com

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In this episode, Leslie & Julie discuss the following listener questions/topics:

1. How does staying calm help others see their own behavior more clearly?
2. What distinguishes appropriate reactions from inappropriate ones?
3. How should one handle a spouse who insists on arguing in front of children?
4. What advice can you provide for overcoming the fear of speaking up and handling criticism?
5. How can one respond to a spouse who uses profanity and initiates fights?
6. What strategies can be employed to address criticism and communication shutdowns?
7. How do you balance assertiveness with expressing love in a relationship?
8. How does personal healing and growth impact communication patterns?
9. What steps can one take to recognize control and choose battles wisely?
10. How can difficult conversations be handled in a productive and empathetic manner?
11. How do you address resistance to feedback and constructive criticism in relationships?

RESOURCES: Walking in Core Strength: www.leslievernick.com/strength

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In this episode, Julie Sedenko & Leslie Vernick discuss the importance and the challenges of speaking up in relationships, particularly in difficult or destructive marriages.

The Challenge of Speaking Up:

• In destructive marriages, speaking up can be scary and unsafe.
• Balancing the need to speak up for oneself with the potential negative responses.
• Referencing Matthew 7, where Jesus warns about casting pearls before swine.

The Value of Learning to Speak Up:

• Emphasizing the importance of speaking up for oneself in mature relationships.
• The need for effective communication to build healthier relationships.
• Acknowledging that speaking up doesn't always mean speaking in the heat of the moment.

Guidelines for Speaking Up:

• The wisdom of using biblical teachings to navigate different situations.
• Differentiating between speaking about someone else's behavior and one's own feelings.
• Self-reflection is important before addressing others' behaviors.
• Approach others with humility and understanding.

Navigating Difficult Conversations:

• How to keep things calm when a partner isn't interested in listening or finding solutions.
• A different approach to asking about their perspective on a healthy marriage.
• Recognizing contradictory expectations about marriage and communication.

Preparing for Meaningful Conversations:

• The importance of preparation and groundwork before discussing sensitive topics.
• The significance of speaking with love.
• Balancing truth with love to avoid coming across as harsh.
• Hard conversations require personal preparation for effective communication.

The Five Levels of Conversation:

1. Superficial chitchat.
2. Sharing news and facts.
3. Sharing personal thoughts and ideas.
4. Sharing feelings.
5. Sharing one's essence and deepest self.

Creating a Safe Space for Conversations:

• Understanding potential reasons for a partner's escalation or shutdown.
• Addressing a partner's potential fear of feeling incompetent.
• Encouraging compassion and patience in understanding each other's limitations.
• Comparing emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

Overcoming Resistance and Creating Safety

• What happens when one partner resists opening up or having deep conversations.
• Establishing a safe space is crucial. This can be done through various boundaries and techniques.

Balancing Expectations and Reality

• Sometimes partners have different communication styles and comfort levels.
• Understanding your partner’s background, upbringing, and communication patterns can help bridge the gap.
• Recognize that not all conversations need to be extensive or immediate. Patience and consistency are key.

Navigating Disagreements and Escalation

• How to handle situations when a conversation has escalated.
• Emphasize mutual respect and recognize when emotions are becoming heated.

Resources: Walking in Core Strength Group Coaching Program: www.leslievernick.com/strength

Love Talk Starters: 275 Questions to Get Your Conversations Going by Les & Leslie Parrott

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In this episode of "Relationship Truth Unfiltered," join host Julie Sedenko in a powerful conversation with Kim, a courageous woman who shares her story of transformation from a brutally destructive marriage marred by serial infidelity and emotional abuse. Kim's journey of discovering the truth, finding her self-worth, and rebuilding her life offers hope and inspiration to women facing similar challenges.

From the struggles of uncovering deception to the healing process of breaking free and eventually finding love and acceptance, Kim's story reminds us of the importance of recognizing our own value, seeking support, and embracing the potential for positive change.

Uncovering the Destructive Marriage

• Kim's Experience: Victim of Serial Infidelity and Emotional Abuse
• Dealing with Confusion and Suspicion in the Marriage

Living in Denial and Silent Suffering

• Unearthing Clues and Inappropriate Behavior
• Coping with Deception and Anonymous Infidelity
• Struggles of Identifying Anonymity and Facing Denial
• Kim's Inner Struggles: Dealing with Shame and Silence

The Emotional Toll and Breaking Points

• Emotional Impact of Discovering Infidelity and Betrayal
• Coping with Emotional Abuse and Trauma
• Living with Fear and Anxiety in the Marriage
• The Silent Suffering and Desperation of Seeking Answers

Wrestling with Values and Church Influence

• Conflicts between Religious Beliefs and Personal Well-being
• Coping with Conservative Church Teachings on Divorce
• Kim's Internal Struggle: Balancing Family Values and Personal Safety
• Overcoming Societal Expectations and Finding Self-Worth

Discovering Truth and Seeking Healing

• The Turning Point: Finding Leslie Vernick's Book
• Kim's Revelation: Recognizing the Destructive Patterns
• Lessons from Leslie Vernick's Coaching Groups: Empowered to Change, Walking in Core Strength, and Conquer

Preparing for a New Journey

• Learning to Value Oneself and Seek Safety
• Overcoming Destructive Thought Patterns
• Finding a Healthy Love After a Destructive Marriage
• The Transition from Victim to Survivor and Thriver

Embracing a New Beginning

• Kim's Journey to a Healthy Relationship
• Night and Day Difference: Old Marriage vs. New Marriage
• Transitioning from Idolizing Marriage to Finding Personal Wholeness
• The Importance of Focusing on Safety and Healing First

Advice for Those in Similar Situations

• Face the Truth and Seek Safety
• Take Time to Make Decisions
• Acknowledge the Painful Process of Transformation
• The Precious New Life on the Other Side of Struggle

Continuing the Healing Journey

• Accepting Imperfection and Continuing Personal Growth
• Dealing with Triggers and Self-Esteem Issues
• The Lifelong Process of Overcoming Deep-Seated Patterns
• Empowering Women to Embrace Their Worth and Seek Healing

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Empowering Survivors and Shining Light: Addressing Abuse in Churches

Introduction:

• Guest: Rachel Denhollander - attorney, author, advocate, educator.
• Role in exposing sexual abuse, notably Dr. Larry Nassar's abuse in USA Gymnastics.
• Highlighting the importance of discussing abuse in religious contexts.

Rachel's Background:

• Pursuit of justice against Dr. Larry Nassar.
• Over 300 survivors, including Olympic medalists, came forward.
• Book "What's a Girl Worth?" recounts her journey and exposes the truth.
• Collaboration on "churchcares.com" for educating church leaders on abuse and trauma.

Importance of Speaking Up:

• Debunking the misconception about survivors' reluctance to speak up.
• The lack of safe avenues for disclosing abuse.
• Community responses and institutional support as empowering factors.
• Role of media coverage in enabling survivors to share their stories.

The Role of Church Leaders:

• Creating safe spaces for survivors within religious communities.
• Misunderstandings within the church about unity, authority, justice, and forgiveness.
• Theological views hindering appropriate responses to abuse.
• Need for education among church leaders about abuse dynamics and trauma.

Value and Worth:

• Discussion on devaluation of women's worth and expectations of suffering.
• Motivation behind Rachel's books "What's a Girl Worth?" and "What's a Little Girl Worth?"
• Initiating conversations with children about identity, value, and speaking out against abuse.

Personal Experience:

• Insights from Rachel's memoir revealing challenges of speaking out against abuse.
• Unveiling legal processes, abuse dynamics, and survivor trauma.
• Acknowledging the privilege and difficulties of supporting survivors.

Progress in Churches:

• Positive changes in churches' responses to abuse survivors.
• Establishing support systems, offering resources, and standing with survivors.
• Understanding the hurdles survivors face in seeking justice.

Highlighting the Positive:

1. Intentionality and Learning: Pastors seeking knowledge about trauma despite lack of formal training.
2. Engaging Difficult Topics: Addressing abuse, oppression, and trauma in sermons to foster communication.
3. Empowering Survivors: Creating safe spaces for sharing stories, fostering healing and support.
4. Practical Support: Providing legal fees, counseling, resources, and tangible assistance.
5. Championing Transparency: Standing against silencing tactics, supporting survivors' public speaking.
6. Advocacy and Legislation: Pastors engaging in legislative efforts to criminalize clergy abuse.

Final Words of Wisdom:

• For Survivors: Worth is not defined by others' actions, find hope in the existence of light.
• For Supporters: Stand with the vulnerable, embodying Christ's love and care.
• Closing Prayer: A heartfelt prayer for comfort, advocacy, and justice for survivors.

Resources:

www.racheldenhollander.com

www.leslievernick.com

Sign up for Leslie's free webinar on August 17th! It's titled,

“I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay: Defining My Problem, Your Problem, and Our Problem.”

Leslie will even answer your questions - live! Register at www.leslievernick.com/ok

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Introduction:

• The importance of mutual respect and understanding in a partnership.

Part 1: Understanding Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

• Traditional perspectives on gender roles and submission in relationships.
• Misconceptions around submission and headship.
• The danger of oppressive relationships and their impact on women's well-being.
• The need for women to reclaim their identity and voice.

Part 2: Communicating and Asserting Boundaries

• The importance of respectful communication in relationships.
• Healthy mutual decision-making in relationships.
• Potential consequences of asserting oneself in an unhealthy relationship.
• The importance of being a God-centered woman rather than a husband-centered one.

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Disclaimer: The content shared in this episode contains sensitive and potentially triggering topics related to domestic abuse and miscarriage. Listener discretion is advised.

1: The Beginning of the Destructive Marriage

• Ayana and her current husband met after both having experienced previous failed marriages.
• They initially appeared to be a perfect match with similar spiritual values, but things changed drastically after they got married.
• Ayana's husband started exhibiting controlling and verbally abusive behavior, and she couldn't understand where it was coming from.
• Friends and family were concerned about Ayana and tried to check on her, but they were unable to share their concerns before the wedding due to her husband's request for secrecy.

2: Unraveling the Truth

• Ayana gradually realized her husband had deep-seated issues and unresolved trauma from past relationships, which led to a hatred of women.
• He would use Scripture to condemn her instead of using it to support and guide her on her spiritual journey.
• Ayana's husband also struggled with financial control, withdrawing money during arguments and insisting on separate financial plans.

3: The Accusation After Miscarriage

• yana and her husband experienced a traumatic miscarriage after arguments and stress surrounding her previous husband's near-death experience.
• Heartbreakingly, Ayana's husband accused her of "murdering" their unborn children, causing immense pain and emotional distress.

4: A Mother's Struggle: The Desperate Cry for Safety

• Ayanna discusses hitting a breaking point in her marriage, facing abuse on every level, including physical, and her realization that she needed to seek help for the sake of her children.
• The traumatic incident with her ex-husband that led to a life-altering injury and its impact on Ayanna and her family.
• Ayanna's internal conflict and emotional turmoil when her current husband demanded her not to make physical contact with her ex-husband during a visit.
• Ayanna shares the intense emotional and physical abuse she endured during a heated argument with her current husband.
• The fear and helplessness she felt when he aggressively confronted her and the moment she realized she needed to escape for her own safety and the well-being of her children.
• Ayanna's internal struggle with the decision to leave and her faith-based approach to seeking guidance from God.

5: Finding Support and Strength

• Ayanna's discovery of Leslie Vernick's work and Conquer, which provided her with the language and understanding of emotional destructive marriages.
• The transformative power of being part of the Conquer community, where Ayanna found support, biblical guidance, and the encouragement she needed to build her safety plan and exit strategy.
• How prayer, surrendering to God, and surrounding herself with a supportive community empowered Ayanna to face the challenges ahead.

6: The Decision to Leave

• Ayanna's spiritual journey in seeking God's guidance in her decision to leave the abusive relationship.
• The pivotal moment at a prophetic event where Ayanna received a clear message from God, affirming her path towards healing and restoration.
• The importance of recognizing her worth as a child of God and setting boundaries to prioritize her safety and well-being.

7: Embracing Healing and Wholeness

• Ayanna's gradual transition towards healing and wholeness after filing for divorce and separating from her abuser.
• The importance of taking ownership of her emotions and focusing on self-improvement and self-love.
• Ayanna's current state, working full-time, and living with precautions in place while she prepares for a new chapter in her life.

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Podcast Show Notes: Living in Alignment with Core Values

1. Introduction

   • Importance of living in alignment with core values
   • Definition and significance of core values

   • Discovering Core Values

   • Reflecting on personal beliefs and principles

   • Identifying core values through introspection and self-awareness

   • The Impact of Living in Misalignment

   • Consequences of not honoring core values

   • Recognizing signs of misalignment in life

   • Prioritizing Core Values in Decision Making

   • Aligning choices with core values

   • Making decisions that resonate with personal beliefs
   • Cultivating a sense of purpose and fulfillment

   • The Power of Pausing, Noticing, and Choosing

   • Understanding the three-step process for mindful decisions

   • Being present and aware of one's actions and choices
   • Taking responsibility for well-being and making conscious choices

   • Embracing Personal Growth and Courageous Conversations

   • Promoting personal growth and authenticity

   • Choosing courageous conversations in alignment with core values
   • Handling potential challenges and feedback

   • Conclusion

   • Encouraging listeners to explore and embrace their core values

   • Emphasizing the positive impact of living authentically and in alignment with God's purpose
   • Acknowledging the potential impact on relationships and making choices accordingly

Resources: www.leslievernick.com/start

CORE Values Exercise: Many have never taken the time to uncover, explore and learn to articulate just what their CORE values are. When you have values in conflict, it can lead to frustration with yourself or with those around you. Knowing your core values helps you prioritize life so you can say “no” to good things so you can say “yes” to the best things.

Look at the following list of values. Pause, pray, reflect, and choose. Then, on a piece of paper or in your journal, circle or write down the 10 values that are most important to you. Make sure that your list includes values that are meaningful to you and are relevant to your life today. Feel free to add values not listed here.

After you've chosen 10, pray and inquire of the Lord to narrow your list of values down to five. You can do it! Write the name of your top five. Then, define what the value means to you. Begin to live and make decisions according to your core values!

Accomplishment Adventure Appearance Authority Broad Mindedness Beauty Brave Community Competency Competition Confidence Collaboration Connection Cooperation Creativity Education/Learning Faith Family Fast Pace Flexibility Freedom Friendship Generosity Grace Health Helpful Honesty Independence Influence Integrity Intellectual Stimulation Joy Kindness Legacy Now Lived Leisure Loyalty Management Material Status Moral Fulfillment Order Peace Power Recognition Rest Security Self-Expression Trustworthy Variety Walking Your Talk Wisdom

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In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie provides valuable insights and guidance for Christian women who find themselves in destructive marriages. Drawing upon her expertise as a counselor and Christian author, Leslie discusses the importance of recognizing destructive patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking personal growth and healing. With a focus on faith and wisdom, she offers practical advice on emotional regulation, rebuilding trust, and creating new patterns of behavior. Join Leslie Vernick and Julie Sedenko as they empower women to navigate their challenging relationships with grace, love, and self-care.

• Part 1: Recognizing Destructive Patterns

  • Understanding the warning bells within ourselves and the accidents that occur when we ignore our capacity.
  • Exploring emotional regulation and learning to control anger in safe ways.
  • Recognizing the importance of self-awareness and accepting responsibility for our actions.

  • Part 2: Creating New Patterns of Behavior

  • Embracing our unique personalities and learning to love ourselves and our partners as they are.

  • Understanding the significance of heart change, not just behavior change, in fostering growth and transformation.
  • Exploring resources and programs for personal growth, counseling, coaching, and support groups.

  • Part 3: Seeking Healing and Setting Boundaries

  • Addressing the challenges of rebuilding trust and creating new patterns of behavior after recognizing destructive patterns.

  • The importance of self-care and recognizing the impact of a partner's refusal to change.
  • Praying for wisdom, support, and the strength to set healthy boundaries and appropriate consequences.

Resources:

• Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.

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Carrie is a brave woman who shares her story of being in a destructive marriage for 26 years and her journey towards healing and finding the strength to leave.

1. Early Signs

   • Carrie grew up in Canada but moved to California after marrying her American husband.
   • Her husband exhibited controlling behavior from the beginning of their marriage.

   • It's not as great as it sounds

   • Carrie explains complementarianism, a belief system prevalent in the evangelical church during the '70s and '80s.

   • Complementarianism emphasizes the equal yet distinct roles of men and women within a marriage.
   • The husband is considered the leader, while the wife is expected to be a supportive helpmate.

   • Opening her eyes

   • Carrie gradually realized that her marriage had more significant issues than typical marital problems.

   • Her husband's control extended to decision-making, financial matters, and the personal growth of their daughters.
   • As their daughters entered their teenage years and developed their own opinions, tensions escalated.

   • The Complexity of Identifying Abuse:

   • Carrie struggled to pinpoint the abuse in her marriage due to religious justifications and confusion.

   • Her husband's manipulation of biblical authority and twisting of God's word caused further distress.

   • Seeking Help and Facing Challenges:

   • Carrie and her husband sought counseling from their church due to their daughter's severe anorexia.

   • The church's approach blamed the daughter's behavior on her attempt to exert control, exacerbating the situation.
   • Carrie's husband refused to acknowledge his role and his blame -shifting caused division among their children.

   • Coming to Terms with the Destructive Marriage:

   • Carrie discusses the difficulty of realizing the destructive nature of her marriage.

   • The combination of religious teachings, guilt, and her husband's manipulation made it challenging to identify the abuse.
   • Over time, she began to understand the impact on her children and the need to protect them.

   • The Turning Point and Pursuit of Clarity:

   • A conversation with Leslie Vernick helped Carrie gain clarity and recognize the abuse.

   • Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," resonated with Carrie's experiences and offered practical strategies.
   • Carrie describes how she gradually took a stand and made the heartbreaking decision to end the marriage.

   • Coping with Devastation and Rediscovering Self-Worth:

   • Carrie shares her emotions after her husband's cruel actions, such as calling the police on false grounds.

   • The experience shattered her belief in her husband's support and led to a reevaluation of her understanding of God's love.
   • She embarked on a journey of self-discovery, learning to prioritize her and her children's well-being.

   • Empowered by Conquer:

   • Carrie joined Leslie's coaching programs, including Walking in Core Strength and Empowered to Change.

   • These programs provided her with valuable tools to communicate, set boundaries, and regain her sense of self-worth.
   • Carrie highlights the importance of learning to ask non-confrontational questions and gaining clarity in difficult situations.

   • A Path to Healing and Moving Forward:

   • Carrie shares her transformation through Conquer, finding value and purpose beyond her destructive marriage.

   • Despite the challenges she faced, she recognized her resilience and embarked on pursuing her dreams.
   • She emphasizes the significance of understanding one's worth and focusing on personal growth.

Resources:

• Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.

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Welcome to a special edition of Relationship Truth Unfiltered. In this episode, we have a very exciting invitation for all our podcast listeners. Leslie would like to invite you to join a transformative program called Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This program, starting this Monday, July 10th, is designed to help you learn to speak up for yourself and set healthy boundaries.

Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a small group coaching program specifically tailored for Christian women. If you've ever felt like you've lost your voice due to betrayal, addiction, abuse, or any form of mistreatment, this program is for you. It's time to say "enough" and seek support and guidance to reclaim your power and find your voice again.

In this program, you'll be part of a community of Christian women who are on the same journey towards setting healthy boundaries and living authentically. You'll learn to speak up for your core well-being in godly ways, honoring both God and yourself. No longer will you have to give more than you receive or settle for less than you deserve.

Perhaps you fear conflict and struggle with having courageous conversations. Maybe you've been suppressing your opinions and needs, always putting others first. It's time to break free from the fear of disapproval and disappointment. It's time to step into your true identity and start living a life aligned with your values and desires.

Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a six-week program that will meet on Zoom for 90 minutes each week. Led by a team of Leslie-Vernick-trained coaches, you'll receive expert guidance and support to help you navigate this transformative journey. The program is structured with engaging teaching videos by Leslie, handouts, and reflective exercises to deepen your learning experience.

By joining this program, you'll also gain access to a secret Facebook page exclusively for participants of Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This private community provides a safe space to connect with the coaches, interact with other women on the same path, and receive ongoing support throughout the program.

As a participant, you'll receive valuable resources, including an ebook written by Leslie Vernick herself. Her material is generously shared to enrich your learning and growth. Moving Beyond People Pleasing is rooted in biblical teachings, ensuring a faith-based approach to setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself.

Don't miss this opportunity to invest in yourself and embark on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and growth. You deserve to live a life free from the shackles of people pleasing and in alignment with your true identity as a courageous woman of God.

Resources: To join Moving Beyond People Pleasing: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse. As a special offer for our podcast listeners, use the code "podcast20" (all lowercase) to receive $20 off on the program. Act fast as spaces are limited and the program starts next Monday, July 10th.

It's time to reclaim your voice, set healthy boundaries, and live a life filled with purpose, confidence, and joy. Don't let the fear of disapproval or past traumas hold you back any longer. Take the courageous step towards transformation and join the Moving Beyond People Pleasing program.

May this program be the catalyst for positive change in your life, helping you build stronger relationships with God, yourself, and others. Sign up now and let your journey towards empowerment and authentic living begin.

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In this second half of Leslie's interview with Professor Nancy Pearcey, we explore the journey of masculinity throughout history and how it has been shaped by different beliefs and cultures. Professor Pearcey, helps us understand how the worship of many gods and the shift to monotheism affected our understanding of manhood. We also discuss the problem of toxic masculinity and the importance of promoting positive male behavior.

Key Points:

1. The Changing View of Masculinity:

   • In ancient times, people worshipped multiple gods, and their behavior influenced the idea of masculinity.
   • Monotheism brought new perspectives, some focusing on God's power and authority, while others emphasized a loving father figure.
   • Christianity introduced the idea of servant leadership and challenged gender stereotypes by valuing virtues traditionally associated with women.

   • Our Responsibility to Society:

   • In the Bible, the cultural mandate in Genesis 1 tells us to multiply, take care of the earth, and build social structures.

   • This means developing families, communities, and using our skills to create a better world.
   • The book emphasizes the importance of marriage, family, and meaningful work in fulfilling our purpose.

   • Challenges for Women:

   • The Industrial Revolution changed the role of women, taking away their economic contributions and status.

   • The feminist movement emerged as women sought equality and opportunities outside traditional roles.
   • Both men and women should have the chance to pursue meaningful work and contribute to society.

   • Dealing with Toxic Masculinity:

   • Toxic masculinity refers to harmful behaviors and attitudes associated with traditional ideas of manhood.

   • Women and children are often affected by toxic masculinity in their relationships and upbringing.
   • By setting positive examples and providing support, we can help men break free from toxic behaviors and develop healthier relationships.

   • Taking Responsibility for Change:

   • Men have a significant role in creating healthy relationships and families.

   • Research shows that men who listen to and respect their wives have stronger and happier marriages.
   • Pastors and counselors can address the issues behind toxic masculinity and offer support groups and resources to help men grow and change.

Understanding the historical, cultural, and religious influences on masculinity is important for fostering healthy relationships and combating toxic behavior. By promoting positive examples and providing support, we can encourage men to embrace healthier attitudes and behaviors, creating a more positive and inclusive society for everyone.

Resources: 

• Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
• Find Nancy's latest book here: The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes

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Leslie welcomes guest, Nancy Pearcey, author of The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes, as well as Love Thy Body, The Soul of Science, Saving Leonardo, Finding Truth, and Total Truth. She is professor and scholar in residence at Houston Christian University. She has been quoted in The New Yorker and Newsweek, highlighted as one of the five top women apologists by Christianity Today, and hailed in The Economist as "America's preeminent evangelical Protestant female intellectual."

Dispelling Misconceptions about Christian Men:

• Nancy shares the surprising claim from her book that evangelical Christian men have the lowest levels of abuse and divorce, contrary to common accusations.
• The concept of toxic masculinity and its development over time is discussed.
• Sociological studies within the last few decades have proven that these accusations are incorrect.
• Empirical data reveals that evangelical Christian men - who truly practice their faith - exhibit loving behavior towards their wives, engage as active fathers, and have low rates of divorce and domestic violence.

Addressing the Divorce Myth:

• Leslie raises the common perception that Christians have the same divorce rate as the rest of society.
• Sociological research shows that dividing Christian men into two groups, regular churchgoers with authentic faith and nominal Christians, results in significantly different outcomes.
• Wives of men with genuine Christian commitment report higher levels of satisfaction, engagement, and lower rates of divorce.

Understanding Competing Scripts for Masculinity:

• Nancy explains the two competing scripts for masculinity that men often face, as identified by sociological research.
• The "good man" script emphasizes honor, duty, integrity, sacrifice, and responsibility.
• The "real man" script, commonly associated with toxic masculinity, promotes toughness, dominance, control, and self-centeredness.
• Men often feel torn between these competing scripts and face societal pressures to conform to the "real man" script.

Historical Origins of Toxic Masculinity:

• Nancy traces the roots of toxic masculinity back to the Industrial Revolution when men's roles shifted from family-oriented work to individual competition in secularized workplaces.
• The change in the public square led to men being detached from moral and spiritual responsibilities, resulting in the development of negative traits.
• Women were assigned the role of moral guardians responsible for taming men, which intensified the tension between men and women.

Stereotypes and Blame Game:

• Leslie mentions how society often blames women for men's failures or misconduct.
• Nancy discusses how women historically became burdened with the responsibility of keeping men's sexual desires in check and reforming their behavior.
• The burden of blame placed on women for men's moral failures perpetuates wrong thinking and hinders the development of male responsibility.

Ignoring Men's Issues:

• Nancy highlights how men, as a group, are facing challenges such as falling behind in education, employment, health, and life expectancy.
• The social acceptability of expressing hostility towards men has created an environment where men's issues are often ignored.
• Men's falling behind in various areas is linked to societal changes and the dismissal of men's struggles by feminist groups and others.

Secularization of Masculinity:

• Nancy elaborates on the secularization of masculinity at different stages in history, revealing how men have been let off the hook morally and women have been burdened with responsibility.
• She discusses the influence of Darwinism, which depicted men as naturally brutal beasts and women as morally superior.
• The changing societal scripts affected men's behavior, distancing them from their traditional caretaking roles.

Conclusion:

• Leslie and Nancy emphasize the need for Christians to understand the secular definition of masculinity to counter its negative effects.
• The importance of cultivating a biblical understanding of masculinity is stressed to ensure men embrace their responsibility to love, serve, and protect others.
• Nancy's book, "The Toxic War on Masculinity," aims to dispel misconceptions.

Resources:

• Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
• Find Nancy's latest book here: The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes

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In this episode, we dive into the topic of "Detachment" and explore how detaching can bring freedom and peace in destructive marriages.

1. Understanding Detachment:
2. Leslie defines detachment as the ability to show up as the person you want to be without expecting the other person to meet your expectations.

3. Detachment doesn't mean disconnecting or not caring; it means letting go of the need to control or fix someone else's behavior.

4. Detachment in Everyday Situations:

5. Julie and Leslie explore how detachment can manifest in normal, everyday situations, such as preparing dinner for your spouse without expecting their appreciation.

6. It's about showing up as your authentic self and not relying on the other person to fulfill your emotional needs or expectations.

7. Healthy Detachment in Intimate Relationships:

8. The conversation delves into the complexity of detachment in intimate relationships, particularly regarding sexual intimacy.

9. While detachment can be a way to protect oneself from harm in destructive marriages, each person must decide their boundaries and what feels right for them.

10. Common Roadblocks to Detachment:

11. The episode highlights common roadblocks that hinder detachment, such as the resistance to let go of our preconceived notions of what our marriage or spouse should be.

12. Anger, resentment, and depression are warning signs that detachment is not being practiced effectively.

13. Detachment as a Process:

14. Detachment is not a one-time decision; it's a process that requires acceptance of the reality and boundaries within the relationship.

15. By detaching from the desire to change or control the other person, individuals can reclaim their time, energy, and resources for their own growth and well-being.

16. The Peace in Detachment:

17. Julie and Leslie discuss how detachment ultimately leads to inner peace, as individuals learn to love others with limits and accept that their well-being is not solely dependent on another person.
18. Detachment allows for the development of a new story, reinvigorating one's life and finding new avenues for personal growth and fulfillment.

Remember, detaching is about finding strength and centeredness in God, trusting that growth and strength can come from navigating difficult relationships. May God bless your relationships with Him, with yourself, and with others.

Resources:

• Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.

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In this episode, we are joined by special guest, Jim Cress, an expert in the field of sexual addiction recovery and marriage restoration.

Part 1: Understanding Destructive Marriages

• Leslie and Jim delve into the reality of destructive marriages, especially in the area of sexual addiction, and its impact on individuals and relationships.
• Jim's shares his personal story and how he came to recovery.

Part 2: The Power of Boundaries

• Jim Cress shares his wisdom on establishing healthy boundaries with a husband who is dealing with sexual addiction.
• Jim and Leslie discuss how boundaries can serve as a means of self-care and protection, enabling women to create a safe environment for themselves and their families.

Part 3: Speaking Truth in Love

• Jim offers practical strategies for women to address their husband's problems in a wise and loving manner.
• Drawing from his years of experience, Jim emphasizes the importance of speaking the truth in love and approaching difficult conversations with empathy and understanding.

Part 4: Empowering Women to Take Action

• Jim shares powerful tools and approaches for women to assert themselves, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize their own well-being in the face of challenging circumstances.

Part 5: Signs of Positive Change

• Jim highlights key signs that indicate a husband is genuinely changing and working towards personal transformation.
• Jim and Leslie also help women navigate the journey of healing by identifying observable signs of progress and growth in their husbands.

Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for healing and transformation. May God bless your journey towards healthier and thriving relationships.

Resources:

• For more information on Jim's work and additional resources, visit www.jimcress.com.
• To find out if you are in a difficult, disappointing, or destructive marriage go to www.leslievernick.com/start

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In this powerful episode, join our host, Julie, as she engages in a heartfelt conversation with Katarina, a brave survivor who shares her personal journey of breaking free from an abusive marriage. Together, they explore the challenges Katarina faced, the transformative moments that led her to question her circumstances, and the profound impact of finding hope and healing in the midst of adversity.

Episode Highlights:

1. The Horrendous Years: Katarina opens up about her 30-year marriage, revealing that 15 of those years were filled with emotional and psychological abuse. She describes the impact of being in denial and the moment she realized she was trapped in a destructive relationship.
2. Seeking Help: Learn about Katarina's courageous decision to seek counseling for addiction, which inadvertently led her to discover the concepts of codependency, enabling, and denial. She shares her experience of finding a specialized counselor who validated her experiences of abuse and introduced her to the work of Leslie Vernick.
3. Eye-Opening Realizations: Katarina discusses the profound revelations that shattered her previous misconceptions about her marriage. From understanding the concept of emotional abuse in the Bible to recognizing the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, she shares the pivotal moments that opened her eyes to the truth.
4. Overcoming Fear: Discover the immense fear and challenges Katarina faced when contemplating leaving her abusive husband. She talks about the resistance she encountered from both her husband and some members of her Christian community, highlighting the importance of receiving accurate biblical counsel and permission to prioritize safety and sanity over the institution of marriage.
5. Parental Alienation: Katarina bravely shares the heart-wrenching experience of parental alienation, where her husband turned her children against her. She recounts the impact this had on her relationship with her children and the subsequent restoration and healing that occurred as they witnessed the truth about their father.
6. Embracing a New Identity: Find inspiration in Katarina's transformation as she breaks free from the shackles of her past. She describes how she rediscovered her passions, particularly art, and embraced a new life filled with purpose and joy. Through her story, she encourages other women to pursue their own personal growth and to never lose hope in the face of adversity.

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Other ResourcesIf you think you might be in a destructive realtionship, go to www.leslievernick.com/start

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

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In this episode, we explore the theme of why trying harder may not be the most effective approach when facing a destructive marriage.

Part 1: Understanding the Reality of Destructive Marriages

• Differentiating between difficult and destructive marriages.
• Acknowledging the presence of harmful patterns such as abuse, control, or addiction in destructive marriages.
• Recognizing the importance of accurately identifying the dynamics in order to address them effectively.

Part 2: God's Heart for Safety, Growth, and Well-Being

• Exploring God's desire for healthy and safe marriages.
• Emphasizing the biblical foundation for mutual love, respect, and well-being within the marital relationship.
• Understanding that God values the safety and sanity of individuals over the mere preservation of the marriage.

Part 3: Jesus' Teachings on Self-Reflection and Treating Others

• Drawing wisdom from Matthew 7, examining Jesus' teachings on self-reflection and treating others with grace.
• Encouraging listeners to assess their own growth areas and avoid a self-righteous or judgmental attitude towards their spouses.
• Recognizing the importance of personal growth and self-care in the context of a destructive marriage.

Part 4: Challenging the Narrative of "Just Try Harder"

• Questioning the effectiveness of the advice to "just try harder" in destructive marriages.
• Empowering women to assert their individuality and decision-making rights in the face of controlling behavior.
• Encouraging open communication and setting boundaries to foster healthier dynamics within the marriage.

Part 5: Taking Steps Towards Safety and Well-Being

• Understanding the significance of taking action and pursuing personal well-being in destructive marriages.
• Exploring scriptural examples and support for seeking safety, protection, and consequences for harmful behavior.
• Highlighting the importance of self-care, seeking support from trusted sources, and exploring options for change.

Conclusion:

• Recapitulating the theme of why trying harder may not be the best advice in destructive marriages.
• Encouraging Christian women in destructive marriages to prioritize their safety, growth, and well-being.
• Offering resources and support for those seeking guidance and clarity in difficult marital situations.

Resources:

• For more information, resources, and support, visit leslievernick.com/start for Leslie's free Quick Start Guide.
• May God grant you wisdom, strength, and courage as you navigate your journey in a destructive marriage. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for healing and restoration.

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Title: Relationship Truth Unfiltered: Addressing Domestic Violence in the Church

Description:

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, host Leslie Vernick engages in a thought-provoking conversation with Pastor Dan, discussing the often overlooked issue of domestic violence within Christian marriages and the church. Together, they explore the challenges faced by pastors and church leaders in recognizing and addressing abuse, as well as the importance of equipping oneself with the necessary knowledge and tools to provide appropriate support. They emphasize the significance of understanding the power and control dynamics in abusive relationships, the need for accurate diagnosis and treatment plans, and the potential pitfalls of prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals. Pastor Dan also shares insights into his church's innovative approach of utilizing case managers to bridge the gap between families in crisis and community resources. The episode concludes with practical advice for individuals seeking to approach their pastors and create a safe space for discussing domestic violence within the church.

Episode Highlights:

• The importance of recognizing and addressing domestic violence within Christian marriages and church settings.
• The role of the Power and Control Wheel in identifying signs of control and abuse.
• The challenges faced by pastors in acknowledging domestic violence and the need for equipping oneself to handle such situations.
• Differentiating between marriage issues and the underlying personal sin issues that contribute to abusive behavior.
• The potential harm caused by prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals.
• The significance of accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment plans when addressing domestic violence.
• The Family Stress Support program: Using case managers as bridge builders between families in crisis and community resources.
• Approaching pastors with humility and concern, encouraging them to address the pain and seek support for victims of domestic violence.
• Balancing the values of truth and love in addressing domestic violence within the church.

Don't miss this eye-opening episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, where Leslie Vernick and Pastor Dan shed light on the crucial issue of domestic violence and offer insights for individuals, pastors, and churches seeking to create a safe and supportive environment for those affected.

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Join us on this compelling episode as we dive into Connie's courageous journey of overcoming marriage struggles, finding healing, and experiencing personal growth. Through her candid and heartfelt story, Connie shares the challenges she faced in her marriage, including infidelity, unmet needs, and emotional disconnection. She opens up about her journey of self-discovery and the transformative impact of resources like the Conquer series and Leslie Vernick's teachings.

Episode Highlights:

• Connie's upbringing and how it influenced her views on love and marriage.
• The breakdown of trust and emotional disconnection in her relationship.
• The impact of infidelity and its aftermath on Connie's mental and emotional well-being.
• Seeking help through therapy and the limitations of traditional counseling approaches.
• Understanding the power of taking ownership of one's feelings and healing journey.
• The importance of boundaries and self-care in maintaining personal well-being.
• Finding support and community through the Conquer program and connecting with like-minded individuals.
• Overcoming the urge to blame and focusing on personal growth instead.
• Embracing the idea that healing and change start with oneself, rather than trying to fix or change your partner.
• Learning to identify and address one's own needs and expectations within the relationship.
• The role of self-compassion and self-love in rebuilding trust and finding contentment.

Whether you're facing similar struggles in your marriage or seeking personal growth and healing, Connie's story offers valuable insights and inspiration. Join us on this empowering episode to gain hope, discover resources, and find the strength to conquer your own challenges.

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Part 1: Understanding Destructive Marriages

In this episode, Leslie defines what a destructive marriage is and explains the difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive one.  

Part 2: Why It's Not Your Fault

Leslie discusses the common misconception that women in destructive marriages are responsible for the behavior of their spouses. She offers insight into how to overcome feelings of guilt and shame and empowers women to take steps toward healing and wholeness.

Part 3: Confronting the Truth

This is where Leslie talks about the importance of confronting the truth about your marriage. She offers practical advice on how to identify patterns of destructive behavior and how to set healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself and your children.

Part 4: Choosing Your Own Path

Leslie discusses the difficult decisions that women in destructive marriages often face, including the decision to stay or leave. She offers guidance on how to make those decisions and encourages women to prioritize their own well-being and the well-being of their children.

Part 5: Embracing Freedom

Here, Leslie discusses the concept of freedom and how it applies to women in destructive marriages. She offers encouragement and practical advice on how to embrace freedom, even in difficult circumstances, and how to move forward with hope and courage.

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In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, we have a special guest, Neil Schori, a pastor who has dedicated his life to helping victims of abuse find safety and healing in the church.

1. Pastor Neil Schori shares his personal experience counseling Stacy Peterson. Stacy missing shortly after telling Pastor Neil that her husband had confessed to her that he killed his former wife, Kathleen Savio.
   Stacy has never been found. Pastor Neil shares how that tragedy led him to a deeper understanding of the prevalence of abuse in the church.
2. Pastor Neil discusses the challenges of identifying and addressing abuse in the church. He talks about the importance of creating a safe space for victims to come forward and the need for pastors to be educated and equipped to deal with abuse.
3. Pastor Neil talks about the role of forgiveness in healing from abuse. He emphasizes that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing the abuse, but rather releasing the offender to God and choosing to let go of the anger and bitterness that can hold us back from healing.
4. Pastor Neil discusses the importance of accountability in the church. He emphasizes the need for pastors and leaders to take responsibility for creating a culture of safety and for holding abusers accountable for their actions.
5. Pastor Neil talks about the need for churches to be proactive in preventing abuse. He emphasizes the importance of creating policies and procedures to prevent abuse from happening in the first place, as well as training pastors and leaders to recognize and respond to abuse.
6. Pastor Neil offers a message of hope and healing to victims of abuse. He reminds listeners that the abuse they experienced was not their fault and that there are people who will believe them and help them break free from the tragedy of abuse. He also shares about his work with the evidentiary affidavit of Abuse, a tool for victims to document their abuse and have their voices heard in court.

Resources* To legally document an abusive situation, go to www.documenttheabuse.com * Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) * “Time’s Up” book by Susan Murphy Milano for practical tools to help women get safe * Leslie Vernick’s Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start * Overcoming the Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath, and Other Domestic Abusers: The Comprehensive Handbook to Recognize, Remove and Recover from Abuse by Charlene Quint * The Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville * Follow Neil on Twitter: @NeilSchori

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I. Discovering the Betrayal* Jayne shares the shock of finding out about her husband's affair * Discusses the discovery of additional affairs and a pornography addiction * The impact of betrayal trauma on her emotional and mental health

II. Coping with the Aftermath* The decision to seek marriage counseling * The challenge of keeping the situation a secret from family and friends * The importance of having a support system during difficult times

III. Struggles as a Christian Couple* The conflict between faith and the reality of the situation * The shame and stigma surrounding sexual addiction in Christian communities * The decision to leave the marriage and how it aligned with their faith

IV. Moving Forward* Jayne's journey of healing and self-discovery * The importance of forgiveness and letting go of resentment * The hope for a better future and healthy relationships

Resources:Is Your Marriage Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive? Find out with this free Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

www.leslievernick.com

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In this episode Leslie answers these listener questions:

1. So how do you deal with your husband when you remove yourself either to a different room or a walk in the woods or even leaving the house and he tells your that you are just running from your problems.
2. My husband had been verbally and sexually abusing me for years. I told him I want a separation a month and a half ago l. He finally moved to another room a month ago and started going to therapy, church, acting nicer and helping around the house. I see he is acting better but I don’t feel differently. I told him so and he got very upset and said if I don't want to work on it I need to start paying my way. What am I to do if I can’t get the feelings back? All I have is trauma and pain.
3. My marriage falls into the "deeply disappointing" rather than the destructive category. It is so hard to know what to do because the thought of making an exit seems to be for my own comfort or the possibility to find someone more compatible and that seems selfish and like "not reason enough" to me. Please give me your thoughts about this.
4. Every time I make up my mind that I need to leave my marriage, I will get some unexpected “sign” that I think is from God and it makes me do a 180* and stay and try again to throw myself back into my marriage and to forgive and forget and to believe that “now” is not the moment and God will let me know the time to leave.
5. What’s a baby step we can put into practice to be self aware?
6. How do you become self aware when you're being gaslighted?
7. How to deal with the loneliness when letting go of the marriage?
8. I have been doing this for quite sometime and I have noticed it is worse. I am terrified to leave. I have no family and desire to know how to get over this intense fear.
9. The burning question in my heart is: I said “for better or for worse” in my marriage vows. Do I have the right to be rejecting him being “for worse?"

Join Conquer! (Doors close April 21)
www.leslievernick.com/join

Ask a Question:

Leave a comment on your preferred podcast app or go to Leslie's YouTube page and leave a comment on this episode:
https://www.youtube.com/@leslievernick

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In this episode Leslie talks with best selling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst.

Lysa’s latest book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” helps readers stop the dysfunction of unhealthy relationships by showing them proven ways to set boundaries—and, when necessary, how to say goodbye—without losing the best of who they are.

Prepare to hear some very practical advice when it comes to boundaries, especially in the area of destructive relationships.

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Takeaways1. There IS a problem when, in order to cover up the worst of who someone else is I have to bury the best of who I am. 2. Know your capacity and your limitations. You don’t have to lose sleep, go into debt and be overly sacrificial to help another. That isn’t what 3. We have to elevate the safety of women. We preserve life first, with the hope that the marriage can also be preserved. 4. To the level I give someone access to my capacity, relational/emotional/physical/financial, etc., a partner should demonstrate an equal level of responsibility. The problem is when I give level 10 access to me and they have level 3 responsibility. You may need to put a boundary on yourself to give them a lower level of access. 1. If a husband has been unfaithful or abusive, that is not being a responsible husband. And, yet, Christian women are told they have to give their husband full access to their bodies. This is wrong teaching. 5. Life Giving Boundaries… Five guidelines for implementing 1. Take a realistic assessment. What is going on here? 2. Assess what are the consequences for the other person and for me if I implement this boundary? Are you willing to pay the price that establishing this boundary may cost you? 3. What other relationships will be affected with these boundaries? Kids, extended family and friends, etc.? 1. You must make healthy choices even if the short-term consequences are painful. 2. Children are more perceptive than you think and it does them more harm when you pretend things are okay when they already perceive things are not okay. 4. Plan ahead. You plan in times of strength for times of struggle. Decide your boundary - a boundary on yourself - ahead of time. Boundaries are about controlling yourself, not another person. 5. You have to communicate your boundaries. Lysa writes out scripts for boundaries in her book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 6. The difference between a bad goodbye and a good goodbye 1. A bad goodbye is when that person is walking away we cannot acknowledge anything about that person or relationship that was good. In our heart it’s important to celebrate what is good. You get to choose what to keep and what to let go and what to put away for a time because they are maybe too painful right now. 2. Good goodbye. Have “mini funerals.” The end of a marriage is a death but there is no funeral. There is no marked place to go and grieve. Acknowledge the grief. Process the grief. Have a little funeral inside of your heart and place that “loss” in God’s hands. Say goodbye and God be with you. Goodbye. 7. What has happened is a part of your story but it’s not all of your story. Honor who God has called you to be.

Resources:

Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining

Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com

Lysa's Resources

• Lysa Terkeurst website: www.proverbs31.org
• Lysa’s new book: Good Boundaries & Goodbyes
• Lysa’s podcast: https://lysaterkeurst.com/therapy-and-theology/
• Lysa’s other books and merch: https://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/lysa-terkeurst-books-and-bible-studies
• Connect with Lysa at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.

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Laura’s Lessons1. Learning to be okay with someone who is upset with me instead of trying to fix things. Learning that I couldn’t fix my marriage. I could do my work but I couldn’t do his. 2. I was realizing that I didn’t like who I was becoming and I wanted to change for myself, regardless of what he did. 3. My marriage was supposed to be a wonderful gift but it’s not a need. I came to the point where I realized that I would be okay whether he continued drinking forever or not. I just wasn’t going to continue with the abuse I was receiving. 4. I couldn’t change him so I worked on changing myself

Laura’s Advice and Encouragement1. Trust your gut. Most of the time, when you think they’re lying they probably are. 2. God sees everything. Your pain, your struggle, how hard you’ve fought for your marriage and, no matter what responses you get from family, friends, your church, or community, God sees and he knows. He is your support and he’s right there with you. 3. Even if your spouse never turns from their addiction, you have options. You have choices. You can improve your situation and still be the woman you want to be in it. 4. Don’t stay isolated. Reach out to someone, even if it’s scary. Having a community of people who will support you is a must. You need a voice - other than your spouse’s - about the situations that you’re in.

Resources:

Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining

Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com

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He says he's sorry. That you should forgive. But how do you know his words are true, that he won't repeat this sin in the future?

Takeaways:

Two questions to ask in order to determine if he's truly sorry:

1. Does he care, through his actions as well as is words, about the impact his sin has on you?
2. Is he committed to change, actively working on himself so that the sin does not repeat itself?

How to get over your anger and disappointment

• Forgive. Cancel the debt. This is a decision. You no longer expect anything from this person. You don’t have to trust him again but it will be best for your own well-being if you can forgive and let go of what happened. Forgiveness is freedom for you.
• It may take time for you to forgive. You don’t have to restore your relationship right away. If the person who sinned against you demands forgiveness, that’s a red flag. You need to go through a grief process.
• Accept the fact that we live with imperfect people.

Two paths to people “waking up” and repenting

1. Words are the first path to getting someone to wake up. Honest, gentle, loving words. When we aren’t speaking the truth in love we aren’t loving well.
2. Sometimes words don’t work. Consequences wake people up. Consequences can be a gift.

Resources:

Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining

Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com

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Debbie Laaser knows what it’s like to be blindsided by the sexual sin of her husband. In this episode she not only shares what happened but the story of how she and her late husband, Mark, came to build a ministry to those dealing with sexual sin and the loved ones who are impacted by it.

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Takeaways1. Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems.
There’s more than just “getting through this.” There is an opportunity for post-traumatic growth. God will teach you new things about yourself, others, and even the world. You can experience trauma and transformation. Allow your pain to speak to you about what you need. 2. Build up your community. Surround yourself with others who are walking this journey. Do not isolate. Silence and isolation are the worst enemies of getting well … for your husband and for you. You need other people! 3. Take a look at your belief systems. Often you’re telling yourself things like, “I’ll never be able to trust him again…He’s never going to change…He’s ruined my life.” These belief systems are, most often, not correct. If you don’t get help with this, you’ll forever stay in a devastated place. The more your belief system is inaccurate, the more pain you feel. Counsel with a person who knows the truth and has walked this journey. 4. Full disclosure is very important. You must know exactly what you’re dealing with. One of the resources to finding growth in the pain is to live in the truth.

Debbie Laaser’s ResourcesDebbie’s Ministry Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com

Debbie’s Book, “From Trauma to Transformation:” https://a.co/d/6AMFAmo

Faithful and True Podcast: www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast

Other Resourceswww.leslievernick.com

Conquer is opening in April! www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

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Jessica’s destructive marriage impacted her to the point where she seriously considered suicide. She says kids helped save her life. She had to get them - and herself - to safety. Subscribe Apple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeart

Three Takeaways1. Safety is priority! Get emotionally and physically safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They offer confidential support 24/7. 2. Staying well: It’s possible to stay well but it really depends on how regulated you can be in your situation. You have to do your work! 3. Leaving well: Without an irrefutable, documented case of child abuse, it’s unlikely the courts will help with your plea for protection or more parenting time for yourself. It may be better to save your emotional time and energy (as well as your finances) by building positive relationships with your kids and teaching them how to regulate themselves when visiting their father.

Other ResourcesConquer opens soon! Join the waitlist: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Or, text START to 88788

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Brief summary of episode:When a relationship ends, the problems don’t all go away, especially when you’re forced to co-parent. In this episode you’ll hear practical tips you can apply in dealing with your ex or soon-to-be ex. Whether it’s dealing with finances, fairness, or emotional wounds, you’ll find help here.

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Three Takeaways1. It is in your children’s best interest to have a positive relationship with both of their parents. Remember this at all times! Your kids deserve one parent who is healthy and doing their best to be living godly principles. 2. When communicating with a destructive spouse, use BIFF…Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly 3. In order to experience peace you must give up the NEED for him to understand your reasons, your NEED for him to understand and agree with you, even your NEED for him to support you. When you NEED anything from him he then has the ability to hold you as an emotional hostage.

ResourcesJoin Leslie’s email list to receive her free newsletter and to be notified when new classes open. www.leslievernick.com

Empowered to Change is open until the end of March. Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching

Conquer will be opening to new members in April. Join the wait list here: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

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Whether you're a trauma survivor or married to one, trauma has a profound impact on relationships.

Heather Davediuk Gingrich, Ph.D. is passionate about helping complex trauma survivors as well as educating churches on how to be trauma informed.   

In her 40 years as a professional counselor, she has lived, practiced, and taught in Canada, the Philippines, and the United States. She was Professor of Counseling at Denver Seminary for 17 years and recently moved to northeast Georgia where she coordinates a 5-course Graduate Certificate in Trauma Counseling for the School of Graduate Studies at Toccoa Falls College.

In this episode Leslie interviews Dr. Gingrich about practical ways to handle situations where trauma plays a part in your relationships. 

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Karin and her husband of nearly 39 years were missionaries to Zambia for two decades. Everything looked good to the outside but, the truth was, Karin was a victim of an extremely controlling and manipulative husband. In this episode Karin explains how she came to accept the truth about her situation and learn that she did have choices, even if her husband didn’t want to change. 

Resources

1. Join Walking in Core Strength today! Go to www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching
2. Join the waitlist for the Conquer membership, go to www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
3. Sign up for Leslie’s free newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

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Pastor J.D. Greear is pastor of The Summit Church in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina...one of the fastest-growing churches in the United States.

He is also the author of a brand new book, “Essential Christianity: The Heart of the Gospel in Ten Simple Words.”

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie and Pastor J.D. talk candidly about biblically handling abuse in the church and his advice to pastors dealing with this issue.

3:00: Why do you think there has been such resistance among church leaders when it comes to tackling the topic of abuse?

For some it’s a heart issue. For others there is naivete. There’s also a sinful tendency to want to give the benefit of the doubt to people we know, to people like us. There has been a sinful blindness and we owe the benefit of the doubt to the person bringing forward the problem. Jesus says there will be people who look like shepherds but who actually wolves and we, as the church, should have been more prepared for that.

6:39: What would you advise, if a pastor was hearing a situation where there might be some red flags? What should they do differently?

Widening the circle having the conversation. Make sure other women are included. The insights of other women in various situations is a crucial part in understanding the problem and picking up on things that men, by nature, may not see. In a multitude of counselors there is wisdom.

It’s important to be clear in teaching that laying down ones life does not mean allowing yourself to be physically or emotionally abused. That is not the way God changes a heart.

13:49 How would you advise a pastor who says he sees two sinners acting wrong so “how can I hold him responsible when she’s sinning as well?”

I have 2-3 different women who read through a transcript of my message before I preach it … women can bring an important perspective.

Make sure you’re aware of dangerous situations, cognitive bias, interpersonal dynamics, and understanding when something is at a place that’s beyond your training.

Be careful and pastoral about how you preach about divorce and forgiveness in marriage. There is complexity to it in the Bible, in both Old and New Testaments. Forgiveness, releasing of bitterness and reconciliation don’t always come together.

17:28 - What about the misapplication of the teaching of grace as the erasing of consequences.

You can always get forgiveness but you can’t un-sin.

24:48 What do you think men could do in the church to help other men know how to treat women?

The mark of a truly godly man is that he cares about your pain as much as he thinks about his own. Let’s take responsibility, whether it’s our “fault” or not, that we will make our church safe places for the most vulnerable.

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Everyone has an ingrained belief system…a sort of hard-wiring that we don’t even think about. Today Leslie is going to talk about ten of the most common - and dangerous beliefs. Dangerous because believing them could seriously damage your life. 

1. Life Should Be Fair
2. Hard is bad
3. I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.
4. It’s all my fault
5. It’s never my fault
6. I can control the outcome
7. If I wait, the problem will go away
8. My choices only affect me
9. I can’t do it
10. I don’t need God

For more resources and to sign up for Leslie's Quick Start Guide, go to www.leslievernick.com

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Dawn knew there were red flags before she even married but she thought she could "save him." Instead, she spent more than two decades dealing with a husband who was addicted to alcohol and prescription pain medications. Hear how, as a Christian, she dealt with this destructive problem and what she learned in the process.

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In this episode Pastor Brad Hambrick and Leslie will tackle some tough topics:

Why do you think the church is making the same mistakes over and over again? Why is it so hard to believe the victim? “Innocent until proven guilty” is cultural, but, when applied to a person telling their story we too often look at it as “liar until proven truthful.” Is it wrong to let the legal system, CPS and other authorities, into matters involving church families? Is the institution of marriage more important than the individuals in the marriage?

Key Takeaways

When there is an abuse-related accusation toward a leader, the first call is too often made to a lawyer or an insurance company. That’s important but these are not the only voices to have in the situation.

Go to your pastor but don’t turn your brain off. You are to steward your mental and emotional health. Sometimes a pastor is so focused on saving your marriage he/she isn’t seeing anything else.

Anytime you’re consulting with anyone who is an expert in anything, value their input but don’t be mindless. It’s okay to say, “I don’t think that’s the best advice for me,” whether you say it out loud or just to yourself.

For pastors: When it feels “messy,” don’t make an edict … at that point you need to be in a supportive position. You need to ask for the type of cooperation from the unsafe individual that would make it a safe environment … and if they won’t, that tells you something. If they start bashing you and/or the church, you’re getting just a small taste of what the spouse is experiencing in the privacy of their home.

Sometimes abuse is manipulative and coercive. What are some of the red flags and remedies a pastor can do?

When it comes to the subject of abuse…especially non-criminal abuse…the church needs a “category” to deal with those. Matthew 7:1-6. Most pastors think verses 1-5.

Proverbs 19:11 … sometimes it’s good to overlook an offense. But if the offense keeps happening it needs to be addressed. Verses 3-5 doesn’t contradict verses 1-2. It’s different but it’s addressing a higher level concern. Jesus says you don’t just keep overlooking … that’s being “devoured.” Verse 6 is the continuation of 1-5. If you’re in a chronically destructive situation, you don’t have to keep being abused.

The Bible doesn’t treat all conflict as if it's the same. Pastors need to understand how to nuance and ensure safety. Maybe they aren’t in a Matthew 7:3-5 situation but it’s a Matthew 7:6 situation: “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Many women keep sharing their feelings and it’s turned on them. Sharing emotions is not always safe. It can become a lightning rod for attack.

How do you discern when a heart change has taken place?

Ephesians 4 gives us a really good paradigm. Abusive individuals typically have pride and impatience.

The opposite of pride is humility. When we’re humble we ask good questions. We really want to understand instead of just being understood and getting our way. The defensive attitude goes away and is replaced with listening.

The opposite of impatience is patience. We don’t put a timetable on getting back to normal. Moving back in, etc. Can they hear? Are they wanting to learn? Or are they more focused on getting what they want and being in control of the situation?

Maybe there isn’t something illegal happening but they aren’t cooperating. They need to understand they are still being relationally destructive. Are they going through the motions for their own comfort or because they are truly repentant? Are they giving the spouse time to feel safe again?

You cannot rebuild a relationship without the foundations of safety and trust. And when those have been broken they have to be repaired. Asking for reconciliation without that is asking her to lie and pretend. That is against her very biology. She must feel safe and be able to trust…especially in marriage.

There is a time period to heal, whether it’s physical, emotional, or relational. Don’t rush the healing period.

Pastors don’t have to be experts about everything. Lean on those who are experts in matters of abuse.

RESOURCES

Brad Hambrick’s books: https://bradhambrick.com/publications/

Brad Hambrick’s website: https://bradhambrick.com/ **

Sign up for Leslie’s newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

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What is betrayal trauma?

There can be financial, emotional, betrayal, sexual, etc. When betrayal happens the picture you had of your spouse is shattered and so is the picture you had of yourself. It can be a struggle to even trust yourself again … because you trusted this person who once betrayed you.

The priority, beyond any problem, is your self-care. When you’ve been betrayed, you must take care of yourself in order to deal with the problem.

Coach Jen Cole experienced betrayal trauma in her own marriage and shares how she went from having a faith of desperation to having a faith of surrender.

First thing to take care of you is, of course, a deep breath and prayer, along with good sleep. But you also need to find a trusted person - someone who won’t pass judgment on your heart and who will let you express the emotions you need to express.

You are worth the time, money, and effort to work on YOU. Your work is to heal and grow so that, if you are betrayed, you know how to handle yourself so that it isn’t as scary and devastating as when you are dependent on that person.

Connection is important. Connection to God, and to others, and even to yourself.

Proverbs talks a lot about being aware of yourself, having self-awareness, self-control, and self-discipline so you can self-discipline. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. The very term, “love others as yourself” implies that you care for yourself. “Guard your heart above all else,” implies that you are aware of your heart and caring for it.

If you’ve been betrayed in any way, understand that God knows how you feel. He was betrayed, too. He is your advocate and will comfort you in your pain. And there are others who want to help you through this dark time.

RESOURCES

Join Leslie’s email list to be notified of special events and classes: www.leslievernick.com

To work with Jen or one of Leslie’s other trained coaches, go to https://leslievernick.com/coaching/

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You. Don't. Have. To.

Most women are stuck in the lie that, "I have to..." I have to stay married, I have to go to church, I have to go to work...there is a resignation to a life that is choice-less. But that's not true. You don't have to do any of those things.

With every choice we make there are consequences. But we DO have a choice.

God created Adam and Eve with choice. They could choose to listen to Him and they could choose not to listen. But there were consequences to what they decided.

Jesus gave Judas a choice. And he made it. The rich young ruler also had a choice. And he made it. Jesus also had a choice and he chose to go to the cross.

You make decisions based on what you want in life, not because you "have" to do something. You get to choose.

Life happens to many of us because of our choices. But when we feel like we don't have a choice we end up feeling victimized.

At the end of the day, how will you feel about yourself and the choices you made?

When you put yourself in the "have to do these things" category you rob yourself of the feeling of saying, "I choose to."

Psalm 119:1-5, 30, 33-34:

"Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the LORD. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!...

I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations.

Teach me your decrees, O LORD ; I will keep them to the end.Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart." Go to www.leslievernick.com to sign up for Leslie’s Newsletter and to receive important notifications

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Date: January 2, 2023

Name of podcast: What is a godly woman?

Many Christians have a certain image of what a godly woman looks like, how she behaves, and what her priorities are (her husband being at the top of the list). 

In this episode Leslie takes a look at what the Bible really has to say about the virtues and priorities of a godly woman. 

1. A godly woman is God-centered, not self-centered or other-centered. Our love for God has to be first. Being a godly woman does not mean living around your husband. That’s actually idolatry.
   1. God has both masculine and feminine characteristics and he says we - both genders - are to be like him. Men should be kind and loving while being strong and courageous and women should also be strong and courageous while being kind and loving
2. A godly woman has virtues. God calls us to develop virtues. The Proverbs 31 woman was more than the tasks she did which were cultural. She was a strong, decisive, and God-centered woman.
   1. A virtuous woman is someone who decides who she wants to be and how she will show up, whether she feels like it or not.

Go to www.leslievernick.com to sign up for Leslie’s Newsletter and to receive important notifications

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What is forgiveness?

What does forgiveness mean? If I forgive my husband for something, what does that look like, biblically? It may mean canceling a debt. Or, does it mean you don’t talk about it anymore and you continue like everything is fine? That isn’t biblical. It isn’t a “get out of jail card” where you still offer your relationship and trust to a person who habitually sins against you.

How do you deal with "70x7" verse in Matthew 18?

You don’t have to do anything. That isn’t the heart of God. God gives us choices. Even Adam and Eve had choices and then they experienced the consequences of those choices. If God had truly forgiven, why wouldn’t he have erased the consequences of their sin? Too many churches teach that you must stay in relationship with a person even when they sin against you over and over and over again.

Not even God has a relationship with unrepentant sinners. So why would we be required to have relationships with people who continue to sin against us when God, himself, doesn’t?

When do you put things in the past and no longer bring it up?

If the past is still your present then you still need to deal with it because the lesson has not been learned.

When the past is truly the past and the behaviors have truly changed and the person has repented, there is a time to let the offense go. But, understand, there may still be an impact upon the person who was sinned against.

The church too often bundles forgiveness with an erasing of the consequences. That is not biblical.

The past is instructive.

For the person who sinned…If we don’t learn from our mistakes by reflecting on them, we will repeat them. Reflecting on the past is supposed to instruct you on how to do better next time. We learn from our mistakes.

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In this episode you'll meet Grace, a brave woman who shares her story of being a people pleaser and learning to set boundaries with a jealous husband who would rage and exert control over her. She spent years walking on eggshells and trying to manage his emotions. 

Today she is living in truth and being a godly wife by not enabling his sinful and destructive behavior.  

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In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered you’ll hear some of Leslie and Julie’s experiences with the emotion of fear and how it has, at times, been in the driver’s seat of their lives. Leslie will share how fear can be a good thing but also when it becomes detrimental to decision making and living the life God has called you to live.

Notes from this episode:

• Fear can be a good thing. Our bodies warn us of danger and it’s good to heed the body’s warning.
• Fear can also be detrimental when it turns to anxiety and a person lives with the fear of “what if I look foolish, what if something bad happens, what if something bad happens, what if I get rejected…”
• How do you deal with the fear of decision making?
  • The first step is to make a decision: The absolute best decision you can make is the right decision. The second best decision you can make is the wrong decision. The worst decision you can make is no decision.
  • 9:35 What if you’ve made a decision that isn’t easy to change, like marrying the wrong person?
    • Even this can be a good decision if you let it teach you.
• When does fear cross the line to where it’s becoming a detriment?
  • When the fear stops a person from growing. When fear drives your decisions. Any emotion you allow in the driver’s seat can be detrimental.
  • When we really understand God’s plan for our lives, when something puts us in a scary situation and we are afraid … that may be something where we are to grow and learn.
• What would be a better way of facing those fears?Face your own internal self talk. Maybe you don’t think you can handle hurt so you live in a bubble. Maybe you need to think about how you can handle hurt or stand up for yourself instead of being a victim. As the question, “because.” I’m afraid because… and if that happens, what does that mean? “It means… and if that happens, it means…” and so on. It’s a way of getting to the root issue of your story. Maybe the root of it is that you think you’re worthless.
• The Bible has more to say about fear than almost anything else. If we really do trust him, that he knows what he’s doing and will work it out for our good, for our maturity, (not necessarily our happiness or pleasure) then we don’t have to live in fear.
• How do you deal with the feelings and fears that come after experiencing something tragic?
  • Your emotions aren’t the boss of you. You can get help and support. How can you learn to deal with it? How can you prepare yourself to accept that you will have to deal with it and come to a place of acceptance? You don’t have to lose your mind or sanity.
  • One of the biggest ways to conquer fear is to walk toward what you fear. You can face the fears in your mind. If you know you can handle it and there will be resources for you, it’s still unpleasant and hard but knowing you will get through it makes the fear less powerful.
  • Don’t transfer an old experience to the present. You aren’t the same person.
• Where do people get support?
  • Counseling and coaching support is available. Grief groups or other groups. The most important thing is to know you’re not alone. Being alone can lead to feelings of shame and depression. It doesn’t always have to be professional support. Peer to peer support is also a big help. Once you de-shame having problems it’s very empowering.
• Pay attention to your thoughts.
  • Psalm 55:2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught. If you struggle with anxiety. Philippians 4:6-8 Be anxious for nothing but in everything let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind. And, later, Pau says, Whatsoever things are good and noble and true and just…let your mind dwell on these things.
  • You don’t have to think negatively. You can change the channel in your mind. The Bible tells us to discipline ourselves when our mind is focusing on negative and worrisome things. Don’t feed your mind with worst-case scenarios. We have to say, “God, you are in control.”
• How do you go about training yourself to think differently?
  • Once you recognize what you’re thinking, that’s when you consciously change the channel. The first step is recognizing your thoughts. So focus on what’s good in your life. What can you be grateful for? Intentionally feed your mind different ways to look at your situation. There is more than one way to look at your situation. Believe that. Be very intentional when it comes to your thoughts and it will start to become more natural.
  • God has wired our thoughts to affect your emotions. If they are impacting your emotions in a way that doesn’t match with reality, understand that your body is reacting as though your thoughts are reality.
  • We are called to do this. “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5) “Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

You can deal with it. Or you can learn to deal with it. It may be hard. But you can do it. Emotions are our informers. They are not our deciders. Don't just work on your thinking. Work on your virtues as well. This will help you deal with those emotions.

Don’t forget to:

1. Sign up for Leslie’s newsletter at www.leslievernick.com
2. Register for a free webinar on www.leslievernick.com/joinworkshop
3. Share this episode!

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In this episode Laura shares how she navigated her missionary husband's alcohol addiction and how it almost destroyed their marriage. 

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In this episode Leslie interview Darby Strickland, a faculty member and counselor with Christian counseling & educational foundation as well as the author of, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Abuse and Helping Victims.”

3:10 - What has been the hardest part of getting people to understand?

Oppressors don’t often look like oppressors to the outside world. Their public face is often much different. They come from such a problem in their heart. Victims have a hard time believing their spouse’s heart is that commited to self vs. living for the Lord. They rationalize, wanting to believe the best about a person.

4:45 - How does a woman discern between a man who is an overzealous leader and a man who is truly an oppressor?

Even Jesus’ submission was willful. It wasn’t fear-based. Often a woman is afraid to disagree or have a different opinion. Her input is devalued. A good leader listens to the helpers God has put around them. This is complying, not submitting. It’s subjugation.

6:30 What do you say to a woman whose husband dismisses her by saying she’s being too sensitive?

Coercive control goes across all dimensions of relationship, not just physical. Journal. It may take up to 30 entries before you see a pattern in the stories. Then, see if those stories match up with what is in Darby’s or Leslie’s books. Or, find someone who is familiar with oppressive dynamics and can help you interpret those stories and see the pattern. Identifying the pattern is very important.

If you say “ouch” and your spouse is indifferent to your pain, that’s a huge red flag. Maybe you are being sensitive. Simply respond by saying, “Yes. I am sensitive. It hurts me.” You would hope your husband would care about that. It’s okay for you to be sensitive. That’s how God made you.

11:15 If a woman feels unheard and devalued and reduced to a role, what should she do?

Depending on the severity of the abuse, you could try having a “micro” conversation about a specific thing you’re noticing. Example: “When we talk, I feel like you’re really dismissive.” Or, maybe ask a question: “You don’t want me to visit my family?” You can also make a statment: “I’ve decided my family is really important to me and so I’m going to visit them.” Abandon the conversation if it starts to feel unsafe.

You can also begin to talk to someone else and get some validation to your story. Also, begin to work on the mindset that you have to diminish yourself in order to be submissive. As you begin to stand up to yourself, you will begin to shift the dynamics of the relationship. He will get more respectful or more abusive. If he gets more abusive, that’s a really good sign. Abort the conversation and get extra support.

16:15 What about the argument that women were made to be a helpmate?

Being a godly wife does not mean simply serving your spouse. It’s okay for you to have your own personhood.

Don’t allow your husband to usurp God’s position in your life. Your primary purpose is to love and serve the Lord. That means loving your husband by confronting sin, reading scripture, loving your friends and neighbors, etc. When someone wants to put themselves as the center of your purpose, there’s a big problem. The Proverbs 31 woman had her own life and wasn’t micromanaged by her husband.

19:00 - What are signs a pre-marital counselor could see that a relationship might be destructive?

Abuse, early on, doesn’t look like abuse. It can look like passion. Maybe one partner says, “I want to spend all my time with you.” They wouldn’t say they are wanting to isolate you from others. “I love you so much I can’t…”

Find out what happens in other moments of relationship. Separate each partner and ask… “Are you allowed to complain? Does he get upset when you’re sick and unable to be there for him? Does he talk about ex or mother in disparaging ways? Has he ever berated a waitress? What’s it like when you say ‘no’ to him?” If she hasn’t, she should try to say “no” to him or even ask him to do something for her and then see if he’s willing to meet her needs or accepts her “no.” Does he use the Bible to try and control?

Anytime someone uses scripture to condemn rather than convict it’s a huge red flag.

If he is pushing engagement too fast, that’s a red flag. When the relationship feels too good to be true, it is.

25:30 What would a small group leader do who observes concerning behavior in a couple?

Pursue a friendship with that woman. It may be a while before she feels able to even identify what she’s experiencing as abuse. Encourage her to be able to speak without her husband’s permission in the group, etc. Make sure she feels valued by you and that it’s a safe relationship. Ask questions but don’t accuse. Always stay in a curious mode.

32:15 What if a pastor is uninterested or gives advice like, “Try not to upset him?”

First, be praying. Then, look for a counselor who understands oppressive marriages. There might be an elder or someone else in the church who would understand. Maybe you need to attend a Bible study, even at a different church where there are understanding people.

If you’re telling your story and being dismissed and shut down and leaders are using the Bible to keep you stuck in a destructive situation, you really need to find other counsel.

List of resources, suggested materials, and social media handles:

• Christian Counseling and Education Foundation: WWW.CCEF.ORG
• Article “How to Discern True Repentance when Serious Sin Has Occurred.
• www.leslievernick.com

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In this episode Leslie shares seven fundamentals truths parents must teach their kids in order for them to be healthy and strong.

Chapter #1 1:45 It’s important that kids know they are loved unconditionally. Children need to know they matter and they are important. This gives them a secure base from which to flourish and grow. This is also their first taste of the love of God.

Admit and own when you make a mistake. This gives kids permission to not be a perfect kid, too.

Chapter #2 4:00 They need to know and be able to name their feelings, to put words into what’s happening inside of them.

Chapter #3 7:00 How to name your feelings - ask yourself “Is this upset feeling more of a sad, scared, or mad feeling?” Then ask, “Is it a little bit of that emotion, medium, or a lot?

Chapter #4 9:48 No matter how sad or angry they are, kids must learn there are limits to what they can do with those emotions.

Sometimes we need to help children face their feelings instead of coddling them into not feeling their feelings. They must learn how to control the expression of their emotions.

Chapter #5 13:50 Reality exists and they have to accept it. The more they deny reality the more pain exists. It can be as simple as accepting the fact that it’s bedtime or that they have to do their homework before watching video game.

Chapter #6 17:50 They need to begin taking responsibility for themselves. This starts at a young age with toilet training. It’s important not to overfunction for a child or teen. Failure can be an important teacher.

Chapter #7 22:10 - You must teach your children how to tell themselves the truth and how to live in the truth. We all lie to ourselves. “I can’t do that.” “It’s too hard.” “Nobody likes me.”

For more resources go to www.leslievernick.com

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Karen's marriage lasted nearly 30 years. She and her husband were financially successful and both loved the Lord. In fact, her husband is the one who led Karen to Christ.

But there was a dark side of anger and control that challenged everything she believed about marriage and divorce. A word of warning: there is some disturbing content in this episode. Karen's story, while difficult, is one of bravery and doing the right thing...not just for herself but for her children and even for her husband. 

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In this episode of Relationship Truth, Unfiltered, Leslie discusses why conflict doesn’t have to be a negative part of relationships. She’ll address some of the hard parts of disagreements and how to fight fair.

Chapter 1 (2:10): How do you keep conflict from escalating?

Talk first about how you can talk about a topic and have both people feel safe. Talk about the way you deal with problems so that issue can be dealt with first.

Chapter 2 (3:29) When do you stop talking about the past?

It depends. If someone isn’t over the past then it’s time to ask curious questions. “This is really bothering you and you keep bringing it up. What’s that about? I’m curious.”

You have to be committed to how you’re going to show up in a conflict. You can only keep your side of the street…you cannot control how they show up in a conflict. Decide to show up in a respectful, curious, and generous way. If you do this it can’t deteriorate because it takes two to deteriorate. If he chooses to be destructive then the conversation is over.

Chapter 3 (6:30) Questions to ask yourselves Have you ever had a time in your relationship where you worked on a problem in a positive way? What was it you did right? How did you work on it together? Learn from that.

Chapter 4: (7:50) How do you deal with someone who just doesn’t want to “give in?”

What would be different if you just accepted this? For whatever reason he’s done being passive, being accommodating?

Accept his point of view and decide on how to solve the issue at hand.

Maybe, if it’s something that is just important to you, figure out how you can make it happen with a good spirit.

Chapter 5 (13:45) - What if you have someone who won’t deal with conflict and withdraws?

There are people who are conflict avoidant, possibly because of their background and negative history of conflict.

Deal with that fact, first. Deal with how your relational history has been negative in this area. Ask how he would feel safe talking about this. There are many ways to create safety. As examples, you can set time limits or simply share points of view without trying to solve the problem first.

Chapter 6 (16:30) How do you keep to the topic?

Know yourself and what you need out of the conversation. Be self-aware about how you deal with the topic and decide that you will not go off topic. Again, you can only control you. But you can help your partner to know that you’ll keep to the topic and that will help create safety.

Chapter 7 (19:55) How do you handle when someone doesn’t follow through with promises?

Be careful of the story you tell yourself. Instead, look for overall patterns. It’s tempting to tell yourself “he doesn’t care about me” when that may not be true at all. We have to be careful of the story you tell yourself when your husband isn’t reliable. You can, instead, ask a question… “I’ve noticed a pattern where you commit to things and don’t follow through. What’s that about?” Or, approach it by saying, “I know that you tend to make me happy by saying ‘yes’ in the moment. I’d really invite you to be honest with me. If you don’t want to do something, for whatever reason, tell me so we can figure out something you can follow through on.”

Chapter 8 (23:00) How do you deal with gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone distorts or lies about the truth with the goal of making you feel crazy or confused.

It’s important for you to decide “how do I want to show up for me?” If you’re starting to question your own mind, take notes. This helps you, at least, to know the reality. Also, look for the pattern…if this is happening a lot, you know gaslighting is going on.

Chapter 9 (27:58) How to handle yelling

Most people, when they’re angry, have a change of voice tone. You want to be clear, with your tone, that you mean business. When you’re angry, tone and posture naturally changes.

What’s really important is the words. If you’re name calling and abusive speech, attacking, accusing, and reviling, that’s the problem, whether the words are being yelled or not.

You have to find your own boundary around this but you don’t have to be a willing victim.

Chapter 10 (31:00) Dealing with the passive aggressive person

You can’t change someone else. Understand the limitations of a relationship when you’re dealing with someone who won’t look at himself (or herself). Growth in that type of relationship is impossible. In order to grow, you have to look at yourself, especially when you fail.

Maybe you can say, “I sense you’re trying to tell me you’re angry, in very soft ways. Do you want to talk about it?” You’re inviting them to grow and they get to decide.

Chapter 11 (33:53 ) When does conflict cross the line from normal marriage conflict to a destructive nature?

Are there patterns of abuse, deceit, or indifference? Understand that God doesn’t expect you to be in a relationship who is out to destroy you.

Resources:

www.leslievernick.com

Bonus: Download 8 Steps to Resolving Conflict

https://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/8-steps-to-resolving-conflict-FR.pdf

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Mary Ann Modesti is a long-time family law attorney who shares, from a Christian perspective, what women need to know when considering a divorce. 

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Domestic Violence is rampant…even in the church. 1 in 4 Christian women report being in an emotionally destructive marriage.

In this episode you’ll discover when behavior crosses the line, how the church should handle these situations, and what women can do to get safe. Leslie will share biblical support for all of this crucial advice.

Chapter #1 :43 A definition of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is about controlling another. The Bible’s word for this is “oppression.” A person can hold “power over” someone physically, emotionally, financially, and even spiritually.

Chapter #2 3:08 Can a woman be guilty of domestic violence? A woman can be guilty of domestic violence toward her children because she’s bigger, stronger, and more able to use violent methods of control. That’s not as true with men. Men aren’t usually afraid of their wives but women are often afraid of their husbands.

Chapter #3 4:30 Why would Christian men do this to their wives?

We see a lot of sinful things happen in the church because people are sinners.

Sometimes men grow up in these kinds of homes and under this type of patriarchal teaching in their churches.

Chapter #4 6:07 When does it cross the line and what is a biblical definition of leadership and submission?

When a woman is objectified…she is not a woman to love but an object to use, a role. God created us to have choices.

God’s definition of leadership was not to “lord over” but to serve.

Chapter #5 8:12 What about when a woman provokes her husband?

People get provoked all the time by all kinds of situations. Life is provoking. The question is really, “when I get provoked, who is responsible for managing me?” Moses was legitimately provoked by the Israelites; he lost his temper twice. God held him responsible for his temper outburst, not the Israelites.

Chapter #6 11:08 What should a pastor or people-helper do when a woman claims to be a victim of domestic violence?

It’s important to understand how prevalent this is in our society: Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.

• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

• Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.

• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.

• The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.

• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

As a church we must recognize when oppressive control is at play, even if it isn’t physical. It might be spiritual or financial but recognize it as sinful and serious. It’s still abuse. Treat it as such.

Chapter #7 15:55 What about submission?

Submission is a good discipline. Men and women are called to submit to one another. Submission is yielding your will to one another but it is not your will being taken by another.

Submission is recognizing and deciding to lay down your will for the greater good. But it is a choice and not done out of fear. It is not just for wives. All believers are called to submit.

But when the church tells women to submit to sinful behavior that is contrary to what God teaches.

Chapter #8 21:17 How does a Christian woman handle domestic violence, biblically?

Understand that, while we have a high value of marriage, God does not ask women to stay in an abusive situation. He values your safety.

If we can agree domestic abuse is evil, then God gives us direction in dealing with this in Romans 12:21: Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

How do you overcome evil with good?

• It is good for you to get safe.. Proverbs 27:12
• Expose the deeds done in darkness. Ephesians 5:11
• Speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:24
• Allow consequences to happen Galatians 6:7
• See the fruits of repentance before reconciling. Genesis 42-45

Chapter #9 35:00 How do you know when change is real?

Is he being totally transparent with finances, his phone, and other practical realities. Don’t fall for love bombing and words. Focus on his actions. Does he allow you to have a “no?” Does he continue working on his own issues? Does he respect your boundaries or is he still trying to control you?

Resources:

Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE

Resources for People Helpers: https://leslievernick.com/people-helper/

Other resources: www.leslievernick.com

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Tami has been married for 32 years and has seven kids. Her relationship disappointing from the beginning but it eventually turned destructive. Tami's church was anything but helpful, leaving her feeling confused and alone. 

In this episode Tami shares how she began to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing, her own destructive patterns, and how she is staying in her marriage and staying well. 

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This is a special audio version of a workshop Leslie conducted where she answers the questions, "How Long Do I Keep Trying?" and "How Do I Know if This Relationship is Dead?" 

CLICK HERE for a free handout to take notes as you listen: leslievernick.com/webinarhandout

You'll also get a roadmap to rebuilding broken safety and trust. 

Conquer doors are open for new members...but just for a short time. If you'd like to join Conquer, go to www.leslievernick.com/jointoday.

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In this episode Leslie introduces you to a powerful member of her coaching team. Elise  Berryhill shares, vulnerably, about her experience with grief and dealing with a family member entrenched in addiction. 

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In this episode Leslie shares stories you haven’t heard before about her personal experience with emotional abuse and the impact it had on her, even into adulthood. 

Hear how Leslie dealt with her destructive mother, even into adulthood. And, learn how she found healing and the real, practical steps you can implement in your own healing journey. 

Healing from Emotional Abuse: Three Practical Steps

1. “I’m lost. Where am I?” Re-educate yourself on what is healthy. Learn to identify your emotions so you can address them.
2. “What is my problem with their problem?” Identify and take responsibility for your problem, not your abuser’s problem. This will show you the work you need to do.
3. Recognize your limiting beliefs

“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.” - C.S. Lewis

Join us for a free, private webinar on September 29th. Register at www.leslievernick.com/webinar

Leslie’s website: www.leslievernick.com  

Leslie’s Blog: https://leslievernick.com/blog

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In this episode you'll meet Suzanne, a woman who didn't even recognize many of her habits as being the result of her destructive marriage. The product of an abusive home, she found it easy to believe her husband's behavior was her fault. 

Four children and several decades later an event happened that opened Suzanne's eyes and set her on a course of real healing. You'll hear specific things she did and tips she has for you in finding healing from a destructive relationship.

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Today’s guest is Joy Forrest, founder and Executive Director of Called to Peace Ministries and author of, “Called to Peace: A Survivor's Guide to Finding Peace and Healing After Domestic Abuse.” 

To become an advocate, request a church partnership liaison or find personal support, go to www.calledtopeace.org

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How do you know when you're ready to date again?

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Hannah is the daughter of Maureen from Episode 3, "Free After 41 Years." Hear Hannah describe what life was like growing up with her destructive father and how it impacted her as an adult. 

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Have you been impacted by sexual betrayal? Take the FREE QUIZ HERE: www.braveone.com/freequiz

Dr. Sherri Keffer knows - personally - the devastation of sexual betrayal. 

In this episode Sherri tells her story and shares how denial and depression kept her from dealing with the truth of what was happening in her marriage. 

Learn the TWO PILLARS every sexually betrayed partner needs. 

Hear what you should do - and what you shouldn't do - when dealing with the sin of sexual betrayal.

Find out what you CAN DO - even when you don't know whether sexual betrayal has happened. 

And, answer the questions, once and for all ... is it YOUR fault this happened? Is there anything you could have done to have prevented it?

Leslie and Sherri will also talk about how to talk to the kids when there's been sexual betrayal in the marriage. 

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In this episode we discover three more lies that Christian women often believe...lies that keep them stuck, afraid, and silent. 

1. It's your fault your husband acts the way he does.

2. God hates all divorce.

3. If I try harder, he'll change.

To register for Leslie's live, free webinar, go to www.leslievernick.com/joinwebinar

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In this episode Leslie deals with the topic of indifference. When does it cross the line and become an abusive apathy?

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Alicia was pregnant with her sixth child when a virus left her paralyzed. Her sexually addicted pastor-husband used her disability as an opportunity to repeatedly rape her and then used the Bible to shame her into forgiveness and submission.

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In part 2 of Leslie’s interview with author Gretchen Baskerville you’ll hear more about what God has to say about marriage and divorce. They will tackle questions like, ”Is divorce always harmful to kids?” ”Is staying for the kids always the right thing to do?” And, ”Is divorce only permitted when they’re sexual infidelity?” And finally, ”How do you respond if you’re being judged or attacked for leaving a destructive marriage?”

Question 1 [1:10] Is Marriage a Permanent Covenant No Matter What?

Question 2 [3:50 ] What about the verse, “God hates divorce?”

Question 3 [11:03] Is divorce universally destructive to kids?

Question 4 [13:40] Is unfaithfulness the only biblically acceptable reason to divorce? And, does unfaithfulness mean only sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse?

Gretchen’s definition of abuse: [19:09]

An abuser’s “light side” aka love bombing: [20:39]

Question 5: [22:35] How do you deal with pressure from other Christians who don’t agree with your decisions or interpretations?

Question 6: [29:10] Who is the authority in your life?

Resources:

Gretchen Baskerville’s website: https://lifesavingdivorce.com/

Life Saving Divorce book by Gretchen Baskerville

Relationship Test: Are You in an Emotionally Destructive Relationship?

List of Bible passages on divorce and abuse: www.lifesavingdivorce.com/abuse-in-bible

Leslie Vernick’s Website: www.leslievernick.com

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Gretchen Baskerville was the ultimate good Christian girl. She followed all the "rules" so she would get all of God's blessings. And then her marriage imploded. She wound up as a divorced mother full of hard questions for God and for the church. Hear part one of her two-part story and learn what she was never taught about what God says about women, marriage, and divorce. 

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Leslie's advice when it comes to a destructive marriage is to "stay well" or "leave well." In today's episode she talks about staying well. When leaving isn't an option how do you maintain your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being?

Chapter #1 3:49 Take care of you.

There are a couple essentials that you must do if you want to be a healthy person even if you're in a good situation but especially if you're in a bad situation. First of all you must prioritize your sleep. If you want to keep your sanity you must give your body and your mind a chance to reboot and that rebooting process takes place, primarily in two ways: 1. Sleep eight hours. 2. Exercise. Even if it’s just walking. Walking isn't going to give you big muscles or any of those kind of things but it does shake off all that cortisol that builds in your body when you live in a stressful environment so take care of your body. You must prioritize that.

Chapter #2 5:49 Stop Isolating. The second thing that is really important is that you have to stop isolating. Isolating is one of the tactics of an abuser. The danger of isolation is that you get more and more tuned into one point of view which is your abuser's point of view because he's going to have a louder voice than you and he's going to tell you what's true. If you can't get out, get online. Read books. Listen to other people's perspectives. Study about abusers and abusive tactics so that you know what they're doing to try to twist your thinking.

Chapter #3 10:11 Guard Your Heart

In Proverbs it says above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. What does that mean when you're in a relationship with someone who trashes your heart all the time? The Bible describes our heart as our innermost being…the person we want to be… our values, our virtues, our essence, our desires, not our feelings. What do you desire the most in your life? What kind of person do you desire to be? This is your heart and when someone keeps trashing and criticizing it takes a toll on you and you start to feel worthless and unimportant.

Don't let someone else diminish your light because they don't like it. They might feel threatened by you or insecure around you and so they try to make you smaller, tell you not to use your gifts. Don't allow yourself to fall for that.

Guarding your heart also requires you to manage your emotions so that you don't allow your natural anger and your resentment and even your sorrow over your marriage to take over your life. When your feelings take over your life you've lost your essence and your virtues.

Chapter #4 16:25 Renew Your Mind

Renew Your Mind with God's truth. Just like we need to reboot our body we need to be careful of our thought life

You have to guard your heart and you have to watch over your mind. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Who does that for you if you don't?

So you have some work to do to stay sane in an unhealthy, toxic relationship…make sure that your self-talk isn't just affirmations. Instead, affirm yourself with the essence of who you want to be even though sometimes you slip into being an angry person. “I'm a decent human being. I am a worthy person created in God's image.”

Chapter #5 18:25 J.A.D.E.

There’s an acronym called J.A.D.E. If you can start doing this it will help you tremendously when you're having a conversation with a toxic person. It really isn't a conversation when you don't have any input. When they don’t care what you have to say. J.A.D.E. is part of guarding your heart. It means: J - don't Justify why you want something or why you said something or why you don't want something. A - Don't Argue. D - Don’t defend yourself. E - Don't explain yourself.

In a normal relationship when you have a conversation with someone you might explain yourself you might argue a bit, you might defend yourself. But when you do this with a toxic person what you will get into is a “crazy making” conversation that you will not know which side is up. There is no conversation…they're just out to blame, attack, accuse, deny, and shame you.

Chapter #6 22:04 Renew your mind with God's truth

Our mind sees the negative more than the positive. Especially living in a toxic environment there's a lot of negative there and it would be easy to dwell on that. So another thing about guarding your mind and your heart is practice gratitude everyday. Look for a couple things that you can genuinely be grateful for. Focus on what you can be truy grateful for. Paul says, Whatsoever things are true, good, right, lovely… let your mind dwell on these things (Philippians 4 8). You have to practice doing that because we're not naturally inclined to do it when we're in a hard place.

Chapter #7 24:16 Prepare to be independent

Every human being who's over the age of 18 in this culture is considered an adult. An adult means that you are capable of taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Sometimes, as women, we allow ourselves to become overly dependent. When we become overly dependent on our husbands to make our financial security for us we are putting ourselves in an extremely vulnerable position because, if we're in a toxic marriage and we need to get out, we can't because we haven't prepared ourselves. So, if you're going to stay sane you need to know that you're capable of leaving if you have to and part of knowing that you're capable of leaving is being able to support yourself and your children.

Chapter #8 27:30 Q&A

1. What if a woman tries to end a conversation but her husband won't stop… maybe he follows her around or yells through the door or won't stop texting and calling. How does a person handle this kind of behavior in their marriage?
2. How does a woman stay sane if she's dealing with a husband who has an addiction and maybe he's in complete denial about it? What kind of boundaries do you recommend that she have in this kind of situation?
3. What if a woman is married to a person who has been diagnosed as autistic (or some other diagnosis)...is it beholden upon her to stay because he has a diagnosis like this, even if he's destructive?
4. Should a woman who's trying to stay well continue with all of her regular “household duties?”
5. What do you do or say when your husband says you should obey him like it says in the Bible?

Resources:

Set Up a Safety Plan: Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE

Leslie’s book: “Defeating Depression: Real Hope for Life-Changing Wholeness”

Moving Beyond People Pleasing Course: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse

Share this episode: https://leslievernick.podbean.com/e/how-to-stay-sane-in-a-destructive-marriage/

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Roby and her husband vetted aspiring ministers about the strength of their marriages...meanwhile their own marriage was hanging by a thread.

Hear this missionary's story about living in a destructive marriage and how her missionary organization treated her when it ended. 

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In this episode Leslie Vernick talks to Elyse Fitzpatrick & Eric Schumacher, authors of, "Jesus and Gender: Living as Sisters and Brothers in Christ." 

You'll hear them talk about the church's traditional teaching of women being subservient to their husbands ... is that biblical? And, should a woman give up her identity in order to serve the marriage? (And does that actually serve the marriage?)

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In this episode Leslie reveals the three must-have ingredients in any healthy relationship. And, she reveals when the line is crossed and a relationship becomes destructive. 

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In this episode Leslie breaks down three popular teachings of the church that keep victims of abuse silent:

1. God calls us to forgive and forget

2. Die to yourself. Don't worry about your own happiness

3. Suffer, Sacrifice, and Submit - You can win your husband through your submission

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Find out how one woman faced the truth about her marriage and learned how to live in that truth.

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Leslie Interviews Reverend Chris Moles, author of, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home."

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In this episode, Leslie explains why she's so passionate about helping people with destructive relationships and how her ministry impacted Julie's life.

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Find out what you can expect from Leslie Vernick's brand new podcast