Transition Phase: Recent Episodes
Taiwo Demola
Transition Phase is a podcast where we talk about how to move through times of uncertainty and internal turbulence. In the last two years, I have gone through so much change. Change in the way I see myself, change in health status, change in sexuality, change in values and the list goes on. But after lots of therapy, reflection, and trying to come into my own as a 20 something year old, I have picked up so much wisdom that I think would be a waste to not to share. I welcome you in joining me on this journey through transition phases
Hello and welcome to another episode of Transition Phase Podcast, I am your host Taiwo Demola and I thank you for joining me while I marvel about the fluidity of our self concepts. Today I will be talking about something I’ve been pondering on for a while both alone and with friends and family who’ve been experiencing a similar thing: Feeling like actors in our own lives.
Its a strange feeling that we aren't ourselves when we are with others, but rather actors, who know the right line to say and when to say it and with the perfect inflection. Its like our first date selves, we know which stories to tell to get people to like us to become enamored with our personalities, but not enough to let them see the true self that lies underneath. It is the safest version of ourselves.
As an actor we think and perform like we are “supposed to.”In accordance with the identities that we have been given or have adorned ourselves with.
The feeling that you are pretending to be yourself is hard to conceptualize, but the metaphor of being an actor in your own life, and the world your stage, fits the narrative quite well.
As much as I would like to take credit for being the first to come up with this concept, I would say that where I engaged with this thought process was in a philosophy class I took during my freshman year of college.
Judith Butler’s theory of perfomativity was the first to unpack for me what it meant to fall into roles I had been given without question and what it meant to act according to the “social scripts.”
But what does it mean when you are not so tired of the performance you have been giving to the world, but rather the fatigue of performing altogether. The point I wish to make is definitely an abstraction or an extension of Butler’s original theory, but for the sake of using the same concept of life as theater lets pretend it fits perfectly.
I am most aware of this feeling when I meet new people or am engaging with a group of people. The first thing I think to myself is how can I make a good first impression that will get them to like me or be captivated in some way. But something I find very difficult is knowing when this “performance” of self stops. Is it after the second or third time we meet? What if we never get the chance to get into deeper conversation? What if its easier to be the actor?
Now Im not saying that this is an innately good or bad thing. Not at all, we all must do it. If everyone demanded that we be our full and complete selves with no modulation 100% of the time that would be exhausting. But being an actor full time all the time is utterly draining. These two versions of self are constantly being negotiated and its very easy to fall into an all or nothing mentality between them. Feeling trapped in being the realest rawest version of self or being an actor at all times
This is something I have had to contend with for a while in all areas of my life. A few years ago, this manifested in me trying to put only my most professional and business like self forward, only to feel drained like I could only save the version of myself that was gentler, more introverted, and silly for those who were in my closest circle. Since I’m obviously not friends with the whole planet, and I spent the majority of the day with people outside of that circle, for about seventy to eighty percent of the time I was “on stage” performing this version of myself for others.
On todays episode we are going to talk about friends, not the show, but the title is a little nod to if for those who are fans of the sitcom.
I think that this is a really important to talk about as the new year is approaching because as much as we want to focus on ourselves and our goals, we also need to think about the people who surround us. There is a proverb that my dad taught me that I never had a shortage of listening to, it goes: “If you want me to tell you who you are, show me your 5 closet friends.”
Thinking back to who I was when I was younger, I think that this saying especially holds true. I remember when I was in high school I surrounded myself with the students who were in the top 10 percent of my class. Being friends with them made me driven and competitive but also anxious and insecure. We’d compare test scores and study together, while also agonizing over missing the one question that got in the way of a perfect score. My closest friends were also really into organizing like me, and we’d go to non-profit organizations together after school every single day. Id organize rallies for better equity in education and deliver keynote speeches in front of the state house...and so did my friends.
Now I’m not saying that I only enjoyed these things because my friends did, that would negate the fact that I’m my own person with my own interest. But it did play into how invested in these things I became and how I navigated my personal, academic, and professional life. Heck I even went on to start a successful business with my best friend that is now completely up and running in multiple states when I was 16. Sigh The power of friendship is incredible.
Then I also had a friend group of all first generation West African baddies. In a sea of differences all around me they were kin. My most familiar self outside of my body. This group helped me to reconcile with my Nigerian American identity and also my identity as a certified baddie.
The thing about friendship is that they help define who we are. The choices we make. The people that we become. And thats hella important. But something that we need to talk about is how friendship dynamics have changed since the pandemic and for many of us...since Entering college.
Raise your hand if in 2021 you felt alone and like you didn't know your friends that well. Raise your hand if the dynamics within your friendships changed or if you lost friends who were once meaningful to you.
If you didnt raise your hand at all, you are one lucky person. But for the rest of us, we really saw a big shift in our relationships with our friends this year. So in this episode I’ve decided to talk about all the reasons this may be and how to cope so that so that we feel less alone and know that we are not the only one going through a transition phase with friendships. I’ll also try my best to throw in a few tips about how to navigate this time so you walk away feeling empowered in your ability to meet and make new friends. And if you have any advice or comments you would like to share on the topic that I have missed, reach out to me @transitionphasepod on instagram and hit me up. Maybe you’ll be featued in the next episode!
On todays episode we are going to be talking about something that impacts us all: feeling bad for feeling bad. Grab a journal, a cat, something to smash and lets get into it.
In todays episode we will talk about a useful framework tool to help you when it's time to transition out of the use of old habits and mindsets that are no longer serving you.