The Not Tonight Podcast: Recent Episodes

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We wrap up the third season of this podcast with reflections from Rachel and Caitlin, with an emphasis on the immense learnings that have come with creating and sustaining a story-based podcast over the past 15 months.

Caitlin and Rachel also share two primary ways to stay involved with the project while the podcast goes on a hiatus:

(1) Through the online Patreon community, where there are weekly videos and other resources to further your learning.

(2) Through the monthly Women’s Circle meetings, where they gather online to listen and share as women from all walks of life open up about their learnings and receive the encouragement and support they need.

Finally, they invite listeners to share their thoughts and ideas in a brief survey, to help them decipher what might be next for this project!

Thank you to your faithful listeners for journeying with us! We can’t wait to see what’s next!

CONNECT WITH US

• Join the Patreon: www.nottonight.org/patreon

• Come to a Women’s Circle: www.nottonight.org/circle

• Fill out our survey: www.nottonight.org/survey

• Hang out with us on Instagram: www.instagram.com/nottonightproject

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The project’s co-founder Rachel Walker takes her turn to share her tender journey with sexuality, beginning with a childhood shaped by religious values and the extended divorcing of her parents.

As Rachel made sense of the world around her, she put labels and judgements on everything - especially sexuality. This led Rachel to years marked by loneliness, unreturned affections, and a period of silent self-exploration, which she concealed for over a decade.

However, when Rachel met her husband at 18, she experienced a transformative shift. Their relationship not only healed past wounds but also presented new challenges surrounding purity and sexuality. Rachel candidly shares her struggles with her relentless pursuit of perfection, which overshadowed true pleasure.

The episode unfolds Rachel's evolving understanding of herself and her sexuality. Her pursuit of self-discovery and her willingness to challenge societal narratives around sexuality lead to newfound confidence, softness, and authenticity in her relationship, as well as a passion for other women to discover the same in their own lives.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and religious themes.

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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Our very own Caitlin Nochajski shares her full story for the first time on our podcast! She takes us back to her beginnings in an authoritative Catholic family and how being surrounded by seedy, unsafe men deeply impacted her future marriage and views of sex.

Caitlin describes how even though her now-husband was always safe, stable, and respectful, her early observations about men seeped into their dynamic and led to her having a deep distaste for sex.

After a huge blowup where the word “divorce” entered their marriage for the first time, Caitlin set out to fix their intimacy issues. She then discovered that improving her sex life not only impacted the whole of her marriage, but also the rest of her life. Her newfound passion for women’s sexual liberation led her to some unlikely places, including co-founding this project!

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and stories of sexual harassment.

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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In this engaging episode, we take a delightful journey with the dynamic Meg Rector, a dating and relationship coach for single Christian women in sunny LA.

Meg grew up in a Christian household where discussions about sex were as clinical as a visit to the gynecologist. And once she bought into purity culture hook, line, and sinker, Meg found herself sitting atop a high, white horse waving her v-card as a giant, fluttering flag of superiority.

But all of a sudden, Meg woke up at the age of 25 without even a male friend in sight. She realized that if she wanted a chance at marriage, she’d have to actually step out and find who she was looking for, risking her reputation of pure perfection in the process.

As Meg dove into the dating world, not only did she shake off the illusions she’d set up for herself, but she found a truer, grittier, more real version of herself in the process. Dating proved to be playground of personal growth, filled with learning through the joy and the awkwardness.

When Meg did find the man she dreamed of, her previous dating escapades brought a richness to her sexuality. Her gradual transition from purity culture to married life was more like adjusting a dimmer switch than flipping a light switch, and she felt a true freedom in the bedroom.

Now as a relationship coach, Meg encourages women to use dating as she did - as a way to not just find your life partner, but to find yourself.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and discusses purity culture.

Resources Mentioned:

• Learn more from Meg: https://www.meglrector.com/

• Connect with Meg on IG: @meglrector

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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Fellow podcaster and sex educator Laura Borichevsky boldly shares her journey with us - from limiting religious beginnings to now pursuing a degree in holistic sex education, her path has been a windy one.

While her strict upbringing left her with a sense of estrangement from her body, her autonomy, and from open conversations about sex, her transformation began when she decided to take control of her sexual health at 17. This defining moment ignited her passion for helping others in similar situations.

As Laura found community in a Planned Parenthood club during her college years, as well as the world of outdoor recreation, she discovered a deep need for further education and more thorough conversations about consent, safety, and inclusivity in the world of sexuality.

Furthermore, Laura shares her personal journey through different relationships, including a challenging period of no sex, and how these experiences impacted her view of herself and her needs.

Laura's bold story of empowerment proves that sometimes, the defining moments of life will not only stretch you to reclaim your life, but also positively impact those around you.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and explicit language.

Resources Mentioned:

• Sex Outside Podcast: https://sexoutside.org/podcast

• Connect with Laura on IG: @lauraborichevsky

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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British-Asian entrepreneur Sumeena Gupta has dedicated her life to supporting women as they access abundance in every aspect of their lives and now, she opens up about her journey of peeling back the layers to discover her truest sexual self.

Sumeena shares how her upbringing in a conservative immigrant Indian family where discussions about sex were hush-hush shaped her early perceptions of sexuality as a whole and covered her heart in shame.

Upon reaching her 40th birthday, Sumeena’s perspective shifted, and like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, she shed the beliefs of her past and unfurled her wings in a metamorphosis of liberation.

As she reflects on her life, Sumeena encourages us to embrace our most authentic sexual selves, emphasizing that it's never too late to rewrite the script of our lives.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and explicit language.

Connect with Sumeena on Instagram at @coach_business_school

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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Carlie Palmer-Webb, the hailed “Christian Sex Educator”, gets real with us in this episode about shame, sexual agency, and her own personal journey that led her to the field of sex education.

While Carlie grew up with truly stellar parents, she shares that conversations about sex were noticeably absent. She keenly observed her parents' loving relationship but lacked essential guidance on bodies, consent, and puberty. Despite her curiosity, talking about sex was laden with guilt and judgment due to societal and religious perspectives.

Shame followed Carlie as she stepped into the world of dating, and it wasn’t until she faced her discomfort head-on that she experienced true transformation. She discovered the importance of choices, consent, and aligning her behaviors with personal beliefs, which ultimately led to an entirely new view of herself and her sexuality.

Join us as we unravel the complexities of sexuality, destigmatize desire, and pave the way for a more informed and open dialogue surrounding sex and relationships for future generations.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and references the Christian church.

Resources Mentioned:

• Resources from Carlie: https://thechristiansexeducator.com/

• Connect with Carlie on IG: @thechristiansexeducator

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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We dive deep into attachment, self-worth, and finding balance in this riveting episode with Diana Eskander, renowned love coach from Canada.

Raised in an Egyptian immigrant family, Diana takes us on a journey through her own personal experiences, reflecting on her early perceptions of love and romance. She shares how she overcame struggles with body image and disordered eating, and how these challenges shaped her relationships and self-worth.

Diana delves into her evolution from chasing romance and being anxiously attached to finding true balance and harmony in her relationships, particularly through embracing the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies.

We also explore her insights on how this balance affects sexuality, and she offers practical advice for those seeking a more satisfying intimate connection. Don’t miss this heartfelt conversation on embracing love and creating balanced, fulfilling relationships.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and discusses disordered eating.

Resources Mentioned:

• The School of Love: https://dianaeskander.com/school-of-love

• Connect with Diana on IG: @dianaeskander_

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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If there were ever a prize given for the worst sex advice ever received, we’re pretty sure Jess would win the gold medal. Now a champion of her own healing, Occupational Therapist and Vaginismus Coach Jess Seitz spent years in the dark, lonely place of sexual pain.

Everywhere she looked for answers or support, Jess only found more and more unhelpful advice - from telling her to drink, to trying to beat a demon out of her, she experienced it all. Finally pulling from her own therapeutic background, she began to make surprising connections that helped mend the pathway between her head, heart, and body that would change her future forever.

For anyone struggling with sexual pain or vaginismus, this episode is a must listen. Jess’ strength, persistence, and joy-filled hope for others offers light on an often dark, confusing place and gives clues toward the next step in your own healing journey.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual and religious content, as well as mentioning disordered eating.

Resources Mentioned:

• Jess’ Vaginismus Course: https://painfreeintimacy.com

• Connect with Jess on IG: @painfreeintimacy

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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Did you know that sharing domestic labor more equally leads to a better sex life? In this episode, we chat with Abby; mother of two and a content creator with a focus on motherhood and equalizing domestic labor.

Abby candidly discusses her journey, from initially accepting imbalanced relational roles to eventually discovering the Fair Play method and redefining how work and family was balanced between her and her husband.

Abby also dives into how doing this work has led to a more fulfilling sex life, emphasizing the importance of open communication and setting expectations.

Through prioritizing her own needs, Abby proves that true love and partnership can thrive when rooted in mutual respect and understanding. May Abby's journey inspire you to redefine your own relationships and advocate for the love and respect you deserve.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content, and minor explicit language.

Resources Mentioned:

• “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky

• Connect with Abby on IG: @itsme_abbye

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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In this powerful episode, we chat with Meghan Tschanz, a force to be reckoned with—author of "Women Rising”, host of the “Faith and Feminism” podcast and a passionate advocate for dismantling patriarchy within Christianity. Currently residing in Athens, Georgia, Meghan shares her inspiring journey self-discovery, faith, and embracing her sexuality.

Meghan's childhood was a tapestry of contrasting influences, marked by the clash of her parents' beliefs and societal expectations. With incredible resilience, she recounts navigating the stifling norms of her faith community and overcoming a traumatic assault during her formative years. These trials, which initially left her feeling small, propelled her toward a path of self-discovery which enabled her to proudly identify as a Christian feminist.

Join us as Meghan's story unfolds, inviting us into a world of resilience, empowerment, and defiance against societal norms. Through her candid and raw storytelling, she inspires us to challenge the patriarchal structures ingrained in our beliefs, encouraging all to rise, reclaim their autonomy, and champion gender equality, regardless of your faith background.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content, religious messaging, and discusses physical assault.

Resources Mentioned:

• "Women Rising" by Meghan Tschanz

• Other resources from Meghan: https://www.meghantschanz.com/

• Resources from Celeste Holbrook: https://www.drcelesteholbrook.com/

• Resources from Tina Schermer Sellers: https://www.tinaschermersellers.com/

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in the Not Tonight Patreon!

https://www.nottonight.org/patreon

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection with themselves and their partner.

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We usher in the third season of The Not Tonight Podcast with Caitlin and Rachel, as they share a behind-the-scenes peek of what it looks like to co-create this project together behind the scenes, with all its struggles and joys.

They also share how hard it can be to do the work in your sex life in certain seasons (looking at you, summertime!) and how they and their partners have grown in maturity. They both share what their husbands’ responses have been to less sex in recent months, and how sometimes having less sex can also lead to valuable growth and learning.

Finally, Caitlin shares an update about the Patreon and invites anyone who is hungry to take the next step of growth to join them in the conversation!

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content.

Want to dig deeper into doing the work in your own sex life? Join the conversation in The Not Tonight Patreon!

Filled with videos, helpful resources, and optional community, this online space is for any woman in a long-term relationship looking to get practical support to build a deeper connection.

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Caitlin and Rachel wrap up the second season of the podcast by looking back and reflecting on all the learning. They share some favorite moments from episodes throughout the season, as well as their own personal learning along the way.

Caitlin also takes time to reflect on what she discovered about her own beliefs about marriage, and why she feels so much more connected to her husband now than she did two short months ago.

Finally, Rachel and Caitlin share an exciting new way to connect to the Not Tonight Project and continue the growth in your own relationship, even during the break between podcast seasons!

Connect with our Project

• BRAND NEW Patreon

• ⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠

• Follow us on Instagram

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

A special thank you to our listeners - your time spent listening to this podcast not only changes you and your relationship… it changes the world we live in!

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Celebrated sex educator Dr. Celeste Holbrook joins us for a special Guest Expert episode to discuss her personal story of sexual struggle which led her to the field of sex education.

Celeste grew up in rural, conservative Texas where the messages she received from her religious upbringing led her to establish firm boundaries around sexual behavior. Upon having penetrative sex for the first time on her wedding night, she embarked on a long, painful journey of vaginismus.

Now armed with a vast breadth of knowledge about women’s sexuality, Celeste sees clients struggling with similar stories of pain and shame, and supports them as they reverse-engineer their sex lives and decide the definition of sex that serves them best.

Celeste’s warm, fun approach to learning about sex welcomes even the most cautious listener and helps us all relax into that which our own unique body wants and desires.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content.

Connect with Celeste

• Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@drcelesteholbrook

• Website: https://www.drcelesteholbrook.com/

Resources Mentioned

• ⁠Magnificent Sex by Kleinplatz & Ménard

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Therapist, author, teacher and advocate for healthy humans everywhere Dr. Christy Bauman joins us to share her journey, as well as her experience working with women and couples embodying their own stories.

Christy fought tooth and nail for her voice to be heard in a man’s world - she navigated seminary and singleness shutting down her body’s song and letting her head call the shots. While this may have gotten her though her PhD, it didn’t serve her well when she got married and had to suddenly open up a whole new part of her human experience.

Through deep loss, grief and a lot of isolation, Christy discovered how to finally find her voice and let the truth bubble up and out of her body.

She now coaches women and couples to do the same, because only when we speak the truth with our mouths can we live in true intimacy with our bodies.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content, and discusses child loss and sexual coercion/rape.

Connect with Christy

• Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@christybauman

• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://christybauman.com/

Resources Mentioned

• ⁠Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Valerie Rein

• Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• ⁠Theology of the Womb by Christy Bauman

• The Sexually Healthy Woman by Christy Bauman

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Caitlin’s longtime bestie Kate, a public health PhD student with a focus on gender norms and gender-based violence, shares how her own story led her into this unique field of study.

While her strict Catholic upbringing set the stage, Kate’s religious beliefs about sex were challenged in college, leading her to question societal norms and reevaluate her own perspectives.

After a season of intense exploration, Kate found herself in a coercive, toxic marriage where she lacked bodily autonomy. Now, seven years after her divorce, she’s still working through what it means to advocate for herself in her current relationship.

Additionally, Kate delves into the harmful effects of gender norms on both women and men, and the need to address emotional repression so we can strive for healthier relationships and communities.

Connect with Kate on Instagram at @krog262 or via email at krogers3@buffalo.edu

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and explicit language, and discusses rape, assault, and sexual coercion.

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Imagine getting a phone call from your best friend’s husband, informing you that his wife is having an affair with your husband.

It was through the devastating aftermath of this discovery that Heather found her true calling as an affair recovery coach. Listen as Heather describes how she turned her trauma into triumph for herself, and now for others.

Heather explores the anatomy of an affair, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and taking responsibility for one's role in the relationship. She also discusses the significance of communication, prioritizing intimacy, and building a strong foundation of trust in a partnership.

Join us as we explore the transition, transformation, and ultimate triumph in Heather's inspiring love story.

Connect with Heather on Instagram at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@theheathersilver⁠

Content warning: this episode discusses infidelity.

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Professional cuddler, surrogate partner therapist and sex geek Michelle shares her wild and wonderful journey of transformation from a traditional-but-broken marriage to becoming a fierce advocate for holistic intimacy.

After 18 years of miserable partnership, Michelle discovered radical teachings on self-pleasure and body exploration, which sparked intense personal growth in tandem with the finalizing of her divorce.

This growth led Michelle to support others in hands-on therapy as they establish boundaries, communicate effectively, and embrace their wants and needs.

Michelle also found herself in the BDSM and kink community, and highlights its playful and experimental nature while emphasizing consent, communication, and the power of saying no.

Discover how Michelle's journey led her to empower others in their pursuit of intimacy, self-discovery, and authentic connections. Get ready for an inspiring episode packed with insights, vulnerability, and the celebration of your truest self.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and explicit language.

Resources Mentioned

• Betty Dodson

• Betty Martin

• Find a Cuddle Party

Connect with Michelle

• Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠@meetmichellerenee

• Website: ⁠⁠⁠www.humanconnectioncoach.com

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Therapist-to-be Jaime verbally recounts the long and winding road that led her to a marriage she didn’t believe she deserved, and a sex life wrought with disconnection after the stillbirth of their first child within the first year of their married life together.

After over a decade of going through the motions with her husband, a devastating discovery flipped her world on its head and she saw her life with clarity for the first time.

Jaime’s bold path of self-discovery and dedication to speaking her truth shows us that sometimes, we need to look at things upside down for them to start making sense.

Content warning: this episode includes sexual content and discusses child loss and infidelity.

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Full of hard-won wisdom, energy healer Brenda opens up about her experiences with people-pleasing, toxic relationships, and domestic abuse, and how she found the strength to break free and rebuild her life.

Brenda was a highly sensitive child who constantly strived to keep others at ease. These people-pleasing and overachieving behaviors led her into a dangerous marriage, which took years for her to see with accuracy.

Eventually, armed with widespread support and her own strong resolve, Brenda took her young daughter’s hand, fled her marriage, and never looked back. As she uncovered her own needs and healed, she discovered a powerful way to pay it forward and support women who are ready to break free from destructive patterns in their own lives.

Brenda’s story is an inspiring testament to the transformative power of self-care and the importance of prioritizing one's own well-being.

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and domestic abuse.

Connect with Brenda

• Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠@brendawinkle

• Website: ⁠⁠brendawinkle.com

• Podcast: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Waves of Joy Podcast

• Coaching Program: Yes Academy

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Parenting coach Melynda shares her story of making sense of the messages about sex she ingested in her young years as well as the process of healing from infidelity in her marriage.

Growing up, Melynda had a natural curiosity about sex, but everywhere she turned for wisdom felt awkward, uncomfortable, or disjointed. When she and her middle school sweetheart married in their early 20s, the toxic messaging they received from their church contributed to a severing in their marriage.

Through deep work together and apart, Melynda and her husband found their way back to each other and nurtured a new, deeper intimacy than ever before.

Melynda’s story is a hope-filled account of redemption after deep pain, and reminds us all that when both partners are willing to put in the work, anything is possible.

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content, infidelity, depression and Christian ideology.

Connect with Melynda

• Instagram: ⁠⁠@the.connected.parent⁠

• Website: ⁠melyndaobrien.com

• Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠/melyndatheconnectedparent

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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After forty years of shutting out her feelings, pleasing everyone but herself and stuffing down her lived experience, Nat asked her husband to stay with his sister for a few days and found herself uploading a vulnerable video to TikTok.

Two weeks later, that video had half a million views. Her accidental stumbling into a social media firestorm led her to uncovering the truth - she had been sexually coerced since day one of her marriage. After admitting to herself that she had married someone she didn't truly love due to influence from toxic religious messaging, Nat began to put words to the feelings she had for two decades and made it her mission to help other women uncover the truth in their own relationships.

Nat's religious and relational untangling reminds us that it's essential to listen to our feelings and set boundaries, even if that means walking away from almost everything. Through loving and listening to herself, she finally discovered how it feels to be truly cherished.

Content Warning: This episode discusses sexual coercion and the Christian church.

Connect with Nat

• Instagram: ⁠@mending.me

• TikTok: @mending.me

• Website & Resources: ⁠⁠⁠⁠alwaysmending.com

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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In this episode, we hear from the incredible Veronica, who highlights the extreme sexual shame, suppression and silence of growing up in a Mexican family in California.

When it came to periods, sexual experiences and relationships, Veronica shares that not only was she on her own, but disbelieved by her own mother. This resulted in deeply harmful experiences, including being assaulted by an adult neighbor when she was still a child.

Left feeling like she couldn't trust herself or her own internal experience, Veronica later found herself in intimate relationships confused by her own sexuality, and convoluted pleasure with love in a toxic relationship.

Throughout the conversation, Veronica emphasizes the importance of breaking down the shame and silence around sexuality, and learning to trust and validate our own experiences, even when the past feels almost too overwhelming to bear.

Content Warning: This episode discusses sexual assault and relational abuse.

Connect with Veronica

• Instagram: ⁠@themomsterpodcast

• Website: www.themomsterpodcast.com

• Email: ⁠tapia.vero@icloud.com

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our ⁠Key to Closeness Quiz⁠ - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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What happens when one day, you suddenly find yourself living in your own personal nightmare?

In this powerful interview, writer, podcaster and foster parent Manda Carpenter vulnerably shares about her journey of healing from deep emotional and sexual pain and how the hurt in her childhood later manifested within her marriage.

She shares how she learned early in her life to use her sexual appeal as a tool to get her own emotional needs met - seeking the attention of not only boys, but ultimately her father. This desire for attention led her down a dark road where she found herself as a lonely, depressed and heartbroken newlywed.

Through extensive personal support, therapy, and deep self-work, Manda walked through the hardest season of her life, coming out on the other side confident, honest, and so brave that she published this powerful story of redemption in her book “Soul Care to Save Your Life”.

Content Warning: This episode discusses sexual content, infidelity, suicidal ideation, and the Christian religion.

Connect with Manda

• Instagram: @mandacarpenter

• Book: purchase on Amazon

• Podcast: A Longer Table

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our Key to Closeness Quiz - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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We kick off the second season of The Not Tonight Podcast with Caitlin and Rachel, as they give an overview of the diverse stories ahead. They remind us what this project is all about and why this work is deeply important in the world we live in, focusing on the necessity of truth-telling in our sexual stories.

Additionally, they discuss the framework they have discovered which leads to a holistically lasting and thriving relationship: Context, Curiosity, Compassion, Connection and Commitment. Lastly, Rachel shares a practical step listeners can take to further their growth in these five areas!

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content, and also references the Christian religion.

Want to build further intimacy in your relationship? Take our Key to Closeness Quiz - a completely free downloadable resource to support you doing the work in your sex life.

In this 10-question quiz, you’ll discover your most regular relational sticking point and get practical tips to help you reconnect with your partner!

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Wrapping up Season One with one final episode, Rachel and Caitlin spend some time reflecting over the last few months, as well as casting vision over what's coming up next for the project. Both hosts sum up their experience with this work so far in three words each, and share some of the challenges and highlights of watching The Not Tonight Project unfold.

They discuss the importance of taking forward progress one step at a time, and how each step forward makes the next one more clear. They also discuss the importance of connection, which has been a main theme throughout the season, including some incredible moments of connection with listeners, like a 12-year-old girl who found the podcast through an unlikely source.

Finally, Rachel and Caitlin describe what's next for the project, and how listeners can continue to stay involved with the work, even while there's a short break in the episodes. They spend some time talking about the kinds of stories they're looking for this next season, and how you can help bring those stories into the spotlight!

Although there will be a break from weekly episodes, Rachel and Caitlin will continue to hang around on social media and in the Not Tonight Community, where they'll keep having honest, raw conversations about sex, marriage, women, and long-term relationships. Listen to the end of the episode to find out when you can expect Season Two to drop!

Resources Mentioned

• Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz
• Article from CT Magazine
• Anonymous survey for partnered women
• Share your story with us

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions, comments or want to share your story? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Author, podcaster and blogger Sheila Wray Gregoire joins us for a special bonus episode of the Not Tonight Podcast! Sheila shares her personal story of growing up with a healthy view of sex until she read a damaging religious marriage book just before getting married, and how that led to a life dedicated to serving women.

She explains her struggles with sexual pain, and untangling conflicting messages as she simultaneously sunk deeper into marriage and worked in the field of Christian marriage support. The more she spoke the words she'd received blindly for so long, the more she realized the advice she gave wasn't advice she actually followed in her own marriage.

Through listening to women, gathering extensive data, and reading all the (God-awful) Christian best-sellers, she realized the problem wasn't her differing way of thought, but the decades-old messages that were keeping women trapped in unsatisfying, unhealthy cycles. Sheila then made it her mission to expose this damage, and refused to look back. Her powerful voice now echoes loudly throughout the evangelical world, and she is nowhere close to slowing down.

Sheila's Resources

• Web: https://sheilawraygregoire.com | IG: @sheilagregoire
• The Great Sex Rescue
• (For Pre-Order): She Deserves Better
• The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
• The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and discusses the Christian religion.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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What could sexuality and breastfeeding possibly have in common? Parenting and lactation coach Jenna shares her tender journey of coming home to herself through navigating the similarities between our sexual journey as women and early parenting.

Growing up in the evangelical church led to a lot of anxiety and hyper-vigilance for Jenna. She held a deep internal struggle of trying to have it all together, and when she married at a young age she felt immense pressure to do everything the right way.

After scouring Christian marriage books and studying psychology, Jenna realized her history with anxiety caused her to create a false narrative of marriage and of herself, which had begun to crumble. Only by throwing out much of what she had gleaned from the “experts”, was she actually able to reunite with her true desires and feelings, and trust those vulnerable parts of herself.

Connect with Jenna and download her free resources at www.ownyourparentingstory.com / IG: @own.your.parenting.story

Resources Mentioned

• 60 Seconds to Sanity (free meditation from Jenna)
• Making Changes (free breastfeeding guide from Jenna)
• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes
• Purejoy Parenting Coaching
• Resources from Kristin Neff
• Resources from Daniel Siegel

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references the Christian religion.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Wife and mother to two young boys, Cait reflects how her youthful curiosity of romance and butterflies affected her perception of sex. Growing up, she spent a lot of time longing for the magical feelings she saw on TV shows and movies, thus influencing her deep desire for a romantic relationship.

As her relationship with her husband grew and changed over time, she watched the butterflies fade and they sunk into the predictable rut of married sex - doing it more out of obligation than from a motivation of desire. She deeply longed to get those feelings back, but felt stuck.

Cait shares how her perception of sex and intimacy changed over time, and how she discovered that what she needed more than any magical feeling was to give herself permission to show up in the sexual experience as none other than her truest self.

Resources Mentioned

• The Mind Rebel Academy Coaching School
• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Purity culture’s damaging messages strike again as Ericka shares about growing up being taught that it was a wife's obligation to provide sex for her husband and that men are always lusting. This left a lasting negative impact on Ericka's view of sex, and led to extreme feelings of fear and anxiety around relationships.

To remedy this “problem”, Ericka turned to alcohol to cope in her relationships and began to attach her self-worth to her attractiveness to others. It wasn't until she gave up drinking and learned a whole new way of looking at sex that she began to better understand her own desires and needs.

Ericka shares her experiences in a relatable and honest way, providing valuable insights for anyone who has also a) felt like an ice block during sexual experiences or b) isn’t completely obsessed with penises.

Connect with Ericka (and check out her new book!) at www.erickaandersen.com / IG: @ericka_andersen

Resources Mentioned

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
• The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire
• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references the Christian church.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Growing up in Athens, Greece, with liberal, feminist parents, Vali received dual messages about her sexuality. While she learned that sex was her right to explore and claim for herself, she wasn't taught clearly about what that truly meant. After decidedly losing her virginity at 14, she found zero enjoyment in the experience and chose to avoid sex for several years.Once with her husband, Vali found herself awakened to her sexuality in a new way. They explored passion together and she discovered what pleasure could look like in the bedroom. However, when children came into the picture, she embarked on a second period of abstinence - one that would last long past the newborn stage.Vali then shares how aging has helped her re-awaken her sexuality and claim pleasure for herself. By learning more about her desires in some surprising ways, she explains how her confidence and comfortability with herself have helped her raise her voice within her marriage, and beyond.Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and minor explicit language.*Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.***Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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What do you get when you combine rigid religious messaging, a mother who viewed sex as a duty, and a slough of medical challenges brought on by intercourse?

This is where Claire found herself only a few weeks into marriage. While her husband remained kind and supportive, Claire struggled through massive feelings of guilt, obligation, and grief as she wanted so badly to enjoy that which she was told so many times was supposed to be "amazing, wonderful, and SO worth waiting for!"

Determined, Claire spent years visiting doctors and experimenting with all sorts of strange aids (boric acid, anyone?) to make sex more of a mutual experience. Yet the more she tried, the more hopeless she felt, and the more her desire for sex melted away. After all but giving up completely, she was finally told the words she had needed to hear for 18 years...

Claire shares with us the deep pain she experienced, both physically and emotionally, as well as the joy of seeing sex in a whole new way. Her experience brings hope to those experiencing pain, and offers a new way of thought to help bring couples closer together than ever before.

Resources Mentioned

Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references the Christian church.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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In this special mid-season episode, Rachel and Caitlin share a bit of the behind-the-scenes of the project so far, as well as revisit some concepts that bubbled up from their first episode together.

They further discuss how their different ways of thought have been instrumental in this project, and have helped them grow as hosts and as humans - living in full permission to be their own uniquely authentic selves.

They also revisit the concepts of sex being connection, and what that really means, as well as diving deeper into the topic of safety. Caitlin and Rachel both share stories of lack of safety in their own marriages, and how they grew through those experiences.

Finally, they chat about the concept of “doing the work” - what it is, what it looks like, and why it’s essential to living life to the fullest. Caitlin shares an exciting venture that she’s beginning, along with the opportunity for others to join her in this work.

Learn more about Caitlin’s program at www.collective-rise.com/intothearena

Resources Mentioned

• Into The Arena with Caitlin Nochajski
• The Mind Rebel Academy Coaching School
• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references the Christian church.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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While Lori hoped sex would be the magical experience she was promised before she was married, she spent ten years in a cycle of disappointment, expectations and dread. Sex was just something on her to-do list, and while her husband desperately wanted her to enjoy the experience too, she couldn't see how things could change.

But then, through the mysterious - and sometimes miraculous - Facebook algorithm, she found an online course created for women just like her and she suddenly discovered that not only was she not alone in her experience, but that there was hope for pleasure in her marriage.

This catapulted Lori onto a journey of discovering the goodness of her body, the expansiveness of pleasure, and led her have her first orgasm at the age of 42! What she has learned brings great hope to any woman on a journey to grow deeper in her capacity for pleasure and enjoyment of sex.

Resources Mentioned

Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references the Christian church.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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What happens when doing the work results in the end of a marriage? That's where Robin found herself after years of denying her truest self in her sex life. With twin girls in tow and another baby on the way, Robin walked away from the relationship that she thought was safe and necessary for survival, into a new world where she was able to examine what she really needed to flourish.

Through a journey of spiritual discovery and fierce self-examination, Robin realized the reasons she chose marriage in the first place, and identified what she really wanted to model for her children. She uncovered the messages she internalized in her young years, and found the connections to her more recent relationships. Once those messages didn't hold power over her story, she was finally able to unlock pleasure and freedom that she had never before experienced.

Listen to Robin describe how she now lives in the truest, most authentic version of herself, without apologizing for who she is. Also hear what it can look like to be a sexual being no matter the status of your current relationship, and how to experience peace even amidst navigating the rocky, wavy waters of self-discovery.

Connect with Robin on Instagram at @robinellen

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content, explicit language, and references of sexual coercion.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Like many others in the late 90s, M.J. grew up deeply entrenched in evangelical teachings of purity culture. While she wanted to follow the rules like a good girl, she couldn’t fight the shameful feelings of curiosity and confusion surrounding the subject.

This led M.J. down a guilt-ridden path of desiring physical exploration before marriage, but feeling like she was dooming her future marriage. When she did get to marriage, she realized it wasn’t her exploration that brought challenges into the bedroom, but something far more complex.

Listen to hear M.J. share how her family of origin, her religious upbringing, and her husband’s desires led to a swirling storm of resentment - and how she was able to slowly disrupt those destructive patterns and create a marriage of love, intimacy and enjoyment.

Resources Mentioned

• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

• The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references of spiritual abuse.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

Questions or comments about the podcast? Email us at team@nottonight.org

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Certified Mind Rebel Coach Michelle shares with us her journey of discovering her truest self. She recounts several moments in her life where she felt like she ought to express herself a certain way, only to become more and more alienated with her true wants and desires. These millions of little moments cultivated into a marriage where she felt suffocated and terrified, without a way forward.

She found herself drowning in self-doubt, fear, and desperation. As she searched around herself for answers, she only became more confused about what she wanted.

By ending her marriage and stepping out into the unknown with two small children, Michelle risked everything to find out that deep, true, safe love does indeed exist, and her desires are worth fighting for.

Resources Mentioned

• The Mind Rebel Academy

• Promiscuities by Naomi Wolf

• Vagina by Naomi Wolf

Content Warning: This episode includes sexual content and references of emotional abuse.

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

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Wife, mother and homeschooler Yelena shares her story of growing up with a disembodied, duty-filled view of sex influenced by church culture. She internalized the message that sex was a "necessary evil" - it was for men to enjoy, and for women to provide. She also believed her body was a threat, which further alienated her from herself.

Then, when Yelena found herself experiencing painful sex from the very beginning of her marriage, she was confused. Her husband was safe, patient and nurturing. Why did sex feel so awful?

After scouring religious marriage books for answers, Yelena found that what she really needed to hear went deeper than what a book could offer. She needed to come back home to herself.

To connect with Yelena, email her at yelena.learns@gmail.com

Resources Mentioned - Resources from Sheila Gregoire - Body Motion Pelvic Floor Therapy in the Seattle area

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage. This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

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We start off Season One with an introduction to the Not Tonight Project. Rachel and Caitlin share how they met, how the project was born, and how their unique friendship led to what feels like "the perfect project partnership"!

They discuss their unique differences as people and how those differences have led to creating a beautiful space where all sorts of women can feel validation, hope and a sense of unity, even in diverse experiences.

They also share the values of the Not Tonight Project, which are:

• Women deserve to feel normal and not alone in their sexual experiences

• Sex is connection

• Self-compassion is the key to unlocking shame

• It’s all about safety

• Empowerment of women leads to the empowerment of us all

• The path to healing begins in the bedroom

Additionally, Rachel and Caitlin both share an overview of their own sexual transformations, and Rachel tells the audience all about the extensive sex schedule she used to keep!

Resources Mentioned

• Wanting it More with Janna Denton-Howes

• Resources from Brené Brown

Want to continue the conversation? Join the Not Tonight Community - a completely free online space where we have bold conversations about sex in marriage.

This community is a place where we elevate stories of women discovering their most authentic self by doing the work in their own sex lives by reflecting on others' stories, sharing our own stories, and encouraging one another to have bold conversations in our own communities.

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In this preview episode, Rachel and Caitlin discuss the purpose of this project, and what to expect in episodes to come.

Want to dive deeper into this topic with us? Join our free online community here.