Wandering In The Way: Recent Episodes
Noah Baxter
A podcast where I share my poetry, reflections, and host conversations about things I, and maybe all of us encounter and experience while wandering in "The Way" of Jesus.
A Reflection and a poem I wrote about wonder, childlikeness, and the deepest thing we can ever experience- the love of Jesus.
Wonder
wonder, it’s something I don’t do much these days
I think and I ponder, but rarely just sit there amazed
By beauty, by hope, by joy, love, and the like
Realities I experience, both the human and the divine
Instead I employ
other Attributes of mine
Reason, and understanding,
Logic, and other sciences
To help me rationalize
the feelings that comprise
Such wonderful experiences
The problem is
The cost of this process
Is often that the moment itself is lost
Familiarity fills space where new discovery could shine
A childlike awe is stifled
locked inside of a fearful mind
Imagination held within the limits of my intellect
Emotion stolen by the attempt to rationalize it
ecstasy removed by the attempt to understand it
amazement elluded, confined within the boundary lines of logic
The wonder is lost, in attempt to control it within mere thoughts
But what of if I let go, exposed to the encounter?
What if I let my guard down, vulnerable to the veneration?
What if
What if I didn’t have to figure out why before I felt the fullness of His wholeness?
I don’t quite yet know,
I’ve only sensed glimpses
But I want to know again,
Yes, I want to wonder again
A Poem that developed out of a time of prayer in which wrestle the tension between my own humanity's frustrating limitation and frailty, yet it's God-given beauty and dignity. I pray that this resonates and helps you find Jesus in the tension:
Poem- “Bloody Flesh and Bones”
You say don’t be afraid,
you’re fearfully and wonderfully made
You say this because you know
That what I’m most afraid of is my humanity,
This bloody flesh and bones
You say that everything I need to be the man you’ve made me to be, Is already in me.
Even that your Kingdom is within me.
But sometimes I can’t seem to find it.. or… him.
Between temptations, thoughts, and fears
confusion, lies, and the like
It feels like the man I’m supposed to be
lies far beyond my reach.
Not because I don’t want to be him,
I really do, and sometimes I see him,
I feel like he’s there but before long as I stare into who I could be I sense deeply who I’m not, this bloody flesh and bones seems to blur my vision.
In all honesty, at times I feel unable,
like that version of me is just a fable.
Something seems array,
why is it so hard sometimes!?
I guess I blame it all on this bloody flesh and bones.
Jesus:
Or maybe, this flesh and bones isn’t just bloody, but blessed.
Not as much perverse and unpleasant
As profound and purposeful, a present.
I understand your struggle, and your tension, I get it it, I get you.
But don’t forget I put on flesh and bones and let it be bloodied so yours could be blessed.
I was human too, being Messiah meant meeting hard head on,
temptations, thoughts, and fears
confusion lies and the like,
I faced them all and came out the other side
I even conquered death with resurrection life.
And now the blessed flesh and bones with which I formed you,
is where I make my home in you.
So when you feel like your humanity is hindering you from being who I made you to be,
remember that though this flesh and bones may bleed,
it’s not as much bloody, as it is blessed.
And I gladly choose dwell in this blessed flesh and bones.
A Reflection on the destructive lies that undergird the crushing pressure of perfectionism and a hopeful revelation of the Truth that sets us free from it.
A poem/spoken word I wrote about wrestling with God through doubt, skepticism, and confusion.
A poem I wrote that outlines a conversation I had with the Lord, wrestling with the idea of His timing and my disagreement or maybe just frustration with it:
Too Slow
You know what God;
sometimes I feel like you’re just too slow.
the seeds that I sow are taking too long to grow
I’m trying my best to do what I know
trusting that in time the the fruit will start to show
You say you bring the harvest
in due season I’ll reap
but I gotta be honest
this feels like a leap
I’m just saying
I’ve been waiting
through the rain, shine, and snow,
And I’m staring to feel like you’re just too slow…
Oh no son, I hear you,
but you’ve got it all wrong;
I’m not too slow, I’m just more patient than you.
I’m not taking too long, I’m just more gracious than you.
see My love is patient, so that means I’m more loving than you.
the people you pray for,
the seeds that you’ve sown,
the transformation you wait for
In others and yourself,
the changes you hasten for
come steadily for your health
the promises you ache for
that you long to be fulfilled,
I haven’t forgotten one,
I’ve kept a note to self.
but they’ll happen in My timing
And you don’t want them anytime else
Because eating fruit before it’s ripe
isn’t good for your health.
so trust in My timing son,
Trust the slow work
and when you get impatient,
remember My smirk
The blessing that comes
when the waiting is done
Is worth every moment
You sat frustrated in My love
Oh no son, I hear you,
but you’ve got it all wrong;
I’m not too slow,
I’m just more loving than you.
A reflective poem a I wrote about the tension of being someone people look up to as a leader, while knowing deep down how human you really are. Yet, coming to the realization that maybe what they are drawn to, is Christ in you, which is something worth celebrating.
Human Heroics:
It’s strangely satisfying, yet utterly terrifying
To be someone’s hero
Somehow your life and love speak so loud that people want to be around you,
or even scarier; be like you.
It’s what many of us long for isn’t it?
To have influence, to be leaders, to be followed,
To be appreciated, seen, known, admired, looked up to
But once people do just that
Suddenly I feel I’m not up to the task
All my flaws in full view
My humanity and foolish tendencies looming in the shadow of my self image
Afraid admirers might place on me too much dependency
so I deflect
I don’t want people to look up to me but to to God
I want to reject this admiration, it just feels odd
Why me?
Don’t you see
I might fail you
I might let you down
You can come close, but don’t get too close
I’ll hold you for a moment, but only just a moment
If you stay here too long you just might notice
the things in me that diminish my heroics
and be hurt or worse, disappointed, by my unheroic humanity.
I’ve heard some say “never meet your heroes” because they’re not all they’re chalked up to be,
and I’ve seen that proven true
So now I’m afraid of becoming one.
Wary of how much you look up to me.
I think “If you only knew.”
I want to embrace this admiration,
this affection,
this surprising obsession
But I don’t want you to cling to me,
This unworthy vessel that you see.
But maybe,
Maybe I underestimate what it is they really see,
Maybe the hero they are drawn to is really Christ in me
God working through me
Yes in my own unique expression
But maybe the profound impression they have is actually Jesus.
And while right now, they may be drawn to me
One day they’ll come to know that I’m just like them,
and they’ll realize what they were drawn to in me, and that is Him.
And whether that’s today or on some future date;
we can humbly look up to Jesus together,
we can worship Him,
and admire Him,
side by side,
same level,
eyes fixed,
on our one true Hero.
A poem about battling and overcoming the fears of allowing yourself to experience the fullness of joy, peace, hope, beauty, goodness, and truth as they present themselves to you.
Surface Tension:
Joy beyond comprehension
Yet I try to comprehend it
Peace surpassing understanding
Yet I attempt to understand it
Hope exceeding explanation
Yet I hope to explain it
Because I question;
If I can’t explain it, is it even real?
If I can’t understand it can I trust what I feel?
If I don’t comprehend it, is it safe for my retention?
They come like waves engulfing me in beauty
They wash over me till I’m truly submerged in goodness
But soon I emerge from this seemingly dreamlike state and begin to contemplate this conflict within,
spiritual realities juxtaposed with internal fallacy’s
Fear conflates with lies and disappointment, and pretty soon
The questions grab me by the collar,
anytime I wander out to the water I know I must be baptized in
They drag me back to shore
Seducing me to think they’re saving me but in reality they’re choking me.
The vast ocean of His Grace is my destiny
Yet I hesitate swim freely in it
I spring up out of the water
Gasping as if I was drowning in it.
Though I was hardly wading in it
Yet what I discover, if I wade longer in this water,
Is that I am safe,
Contrary to what I perceive
I can breathe,
The depths of joy
The breadth of peace
The heights of hope
All belong to Me.
And I belong to Him.
If only I stop fighting Him
and simply receive,
If I stop second guessing,
and truly trust and believe
They are not myths or illusions
Too good to be true
They come from the Creator
of beauty, goodness, and truth.
And among those creatures is me,
And the life He has in store
If I dive beneath the surface,
If I swim beyond the shore.
In this episode, I share a poem about the journey of learning how to receive love from God and others, and overcoming/letting go of fears that hold us back from receiving that love.Poem: I’m caught in betweenI’m caught in betweenSeemingly paralyzed by things yet unseenTerrified of what these attachments might meanDrawn to yet frozen by what yet could beI’ve made many assumptions, I’ve even run away,But what from I’m not sure, It’s really quite strangeI’ve yet to find out, I’ve tasted and seenBut haven’t stayed at the table long enough to feastInstead I’ve made guesses: too good to be true,there must be something missing, somethings askew,One foot is in, one foot is out,the thought of either or has me shaking all about.What is this feeling? I analyzeIt seems so beautiful, I’m mesmerizedYet I can’t quite control it. I’m petrifiedI just can’t explain it. I’m paralyzedI’m caught in betweenThe fear I’ve adhered to and the love that I need.From and towards, my friends and My Lord.But all is not quite as bleak as it seemsfor a step forward is what got me here caught in between.
Here is a spoken word poem I wrote about processing and facing the fear of disappointment.
A reflection on the "rainy days" of life. Expectations, disappointment, foiled plans, and childlikeness in the middle of it.
Written Form:
"Some people, the busy, the obligated, the occupied, the hurried, see a rain puddle, and avoid it. To them it is a nuisance, an interruption, a fashion foiler, plan ruiner, a mood-killer. Others, the hopeful, the creative, the courageous, the childlike, see it as an opportunity. To them, it is an object of immense potential. A playground of imagination, a game, something to jump over, even something useful, something to clean your muddy boots with.
See, children are not consumed with the plans, ideals, and expectations that steal the joy out of a rainy day. They are simply present to it, open to make the most of what they are given. Creative, curious, courageous, intelligent, and bold to discover what today has for them, they are without a second thought, unworried about things like “tracking mud through the house” or “wet socks”. The experience of the present moment overcomes the fear of any potential minor consequence.
What if we learned from these children, what if we let them teach us their ways full of wonder?
Sure, we can all acknowledge that rainy days often put a damper on our plans, limit our outfit options, and even make us a bit moody sometimes.
But what if we let our puddles become potential and opened our hearts to what God might have in store for us on the “rainy days” of our lives?
It may be wet, but it may very well be wonderful, if only we wonder." - Noah Baxter
Here is a poem I wrote about sometimes unwelcome yet usually invited interruptions, divine interventions disguised as distractions, and the story behind the poem itself.