Finding Me Again - passion, purpose and parenting: Recent Episodes

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A while ago I was interviewed by @corageroux on the Teaching Yoga Podcast and you can now listen in on iTunes, Spotify or Google.

We talked about the process of starting a podcast, managing content producing and burn-out the joy of sharing important stories.

To listen go to @corageroux and follow the link in her profile

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In this podcast Rachael describes the difficult transition out of a dance career and into finding herself.

“This is your amazing body…the fact that you can breathe like you do, the fact that you digest like you do, that you can think like you do…”

Rachael tells me about pilates and the Franklin Method and how they have shaped her life and connection to her body.

“If you can get to know your body and work with it - it feels like that’s the answer to everything…and not feeling guilty for giving it what it needs.”

We discussed how parenting has affected our bodies. Not just the births, nursing, sleepless nights, but me putting my back out wrestling with the kids when I should know better! I talked about the fear of doing fun things with my children for the last time to protect my body.

Rachael talked about all the preparation she did during pregnancy for labour.

“But then it was really disappointing to feel something’s not right in my pelvic floor…I felt embarrassed to go to the doctor.”

We looked at the impact of having a prolapse, how common it is, and Rachael’s approach for recovery and strengthening. Rachael runs a 6 week course on the pelvic floor, starting in Autumn 2021 (and at regular intervals each year. Check out https://www.rachhall.com/pelvicfloor

Rachael also does a Your Dream Body membership. You can get free classes on her website to get a taste of Rachael’s approach. I did one yesterday and it was fantastic. https://www.rachhall.com/yourdreambody

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“Something about getting older and using your energy toward things that matter to you. And I don’t care anymore what people think of me.”

I’m joined today by my friend Dorien Davies, puppeteer, actor, mum to Poppy and passionate gardener.

Dorien explores becoming shyer as she gets older. Being an extrovert but becoming more uncomfortable at auditions, self critical and needing to conserve her energy for things that matter.

Feeling Rejected on the School RunShe talks about the school run and the mom who always looks so put together. Wondering why she didn’t even acknowledge her and learning to realise it’s not personal and that she doesn’t care!

Trauma and Social TimeShe talks about thriving on hugs and being around others. Then the pandemic hitting and before that, her dad getting sick and dying. Before then she used to prioritise social time, drive to four children’s birthday parties in one weekend.

“As you become older expending that energy becomes harder. Making people feel special and acknowledged is something I might have to keep for myself a little bit.”Parenting an only child during the pandemicIt was 100% harder, says Dorien, because “her only playmates were two 40 year olds” She talks about coping without work, people and creative outlets whilst trying to teach in Spanish (whilst not speaking Spanish).

Dorien talks about the joy of sending her daughter to beach camp and having the full day to herself.

Parenting Grief“There’s something that dies when you have a child and I don’t know if it’s a bad death, but the freedom of following your interests...even allowing yourself to have an interest. I have to steal away to do something I want to do.”“As someone’s who’s been so driven my whole life, I’ve gotten duped into this domesticity that now feels so vital and so important that I will miss or forget an important phone call with a producer because I’m so involved in cleaning.”“Maybe there’s a death in the sense that you realise that what you wanted before is not necessarily the thing that is going to make you happy. Maybe it’s that the fulfilment you get from having a child, it changes the scale.”Passion for GardeningDorien talks about gardening as a healing ritual, even though she doesn’t have a garden. She’s become the head of the landscaping committee for her group on condos and has a veg box she tends with love, and runs the gardening curriculum at her daughter’s school. “

“If you live in a city and you’re recharged by nature, you have to find the pockets.”You can find Dorien as Lulu on Word Party and Duff’s Happy Fun Bake Time.

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“That you knew how to do that, and that you were still excellent at your job and made my kid well and made me feel safe, but also took care of me…just what we needed.”

She talks about needing to forgive herself for taking a little time before she could see him, when he had just been born and was so at risk, to fortify herself. Osa shares how it felt to hold him for the first time, after 4 weeks.

Osa talks about the power of stories, her passion for them, both as a counsellor and for pleasure. Hearing of different experiences as a break from her now - recharging from her busy life. Retreating to someone else’s creativity. Also Rhianna.

Osa talks about having to live at Birmingham Children’s Hospital with her eldest son, whilst friends and family took care of her younger son. She describes not being able to feel like anyone. Feeling like a blob who was there only to take care of her boys.

Things then got better for her son’s health, a year passed, she got “all the jobs”. Then her hair started to fall out and Osa describes the impact of this on her identity and self worth.

“I went back to performing and back to working with young people and encouraging and motivating them and I think that was me unconsciously finding myself again. Back to the base of me.”

She changed her look at that time - colours and hair wraps, to connect to her identity.

Next Osa wants to put down one of her commitments to make space for more creativity, particularly writing and singing. Her beautiful voice closes out this episode.

Take Aways

Listen to the people who know you, see your goodness and tell you that you are loveable.

Take moments (perhaps your commute or returning from the school run) as recharging time.

Fortify yourself before a tough day with powerful music.

Explore clothing colour and hair style/wraps to re-connect with who you are.

Honour your own needs and comforts, rather than just trying to please others.

Osa had so much wisdom and life experience to share with me that I’ve made a part 2, focusing on race and parenting as a black, British, Nigerian mum married to a white, British man, living in a mostly white area. Coming soon!

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In July’s issue of Counselling Matters, I have a three page article about the podcast!

Finding Me Again - Passion, Purpose & Parenting

Feeling lost, stuck, disconnected from the self or unfulfilled after having children is a theme that has come flowing out of my client work over the past 6 years. I’m sure that this resonates with many of you, whether as a counsellor, a parent or both.

In response, I have created a new podcast ‘Finding Me Again’ for busy parents who have lost or found themselves after having children. Along with my guest each episode, I guide listeners to explore the path to a fulfilling, passionate life and I celebrate some of the people who have helped me to work towards this myself.

For many of us who don’t usually juggle homeschooling in with the balance of parenting, the pandemic was a huge adjustment, sometimes overwhelmingly so. Perhaps you found as I did that seeing clients from home on Zoom, then making the 10 second commute to become a teacher or cook in the kitchen, with all my children’s curious questions and requests to attend to...was a little mind scrambling at times. I needed me-time and connection with my passions more than ever.

I’ve always loved to dance and weekly Zumba classes had been an essential part of my self care and expression for a decade. Early in lockdown I stumbled on a dance group in Australia - The Living Room Dance Project. They were choreographing routines to cheesy 80s hits then editing together videos of everyone doing the dance from home. I joined and danced ‘with’ them weekly (and still do), dressing up in leotards and wigs, staying connected to my silly, creative, expressive self and making connections across the world also.

The leader of the group was the first guest on my podcast and she has a stunning story of choreographing rural communities including farm machinery and all ages and abilities, then facing postpartum psychosis as a new mum, through to finding herself again through community dance projects accessible to all. Check out the Neridah Waters episode, with snippets of 80s cheese woven in, to hear more.

Take-aways included:

• Pay attention to balance. After teaching classes and dancing for three days per week, Neridah rests, accesses physiotherapy, massage, yoga and stretching, and protects her ‘introvert time’ with her family, turning down invitations if needed.
• Think about what you loved before kids, or as a child, what makes you feel alive, and explore ways to reconnect with these passions.
• Write frustrations down to be clear about what you want to explore. Neridah used The Artist’s Way (Julia Cameron, 1992) technique of writing daily morning pages - a stream of consciousness - to identify patterns and complaints in her body and desires to be acted on.

The community I’m trying to create is for all parents and my second guest was dad and writer Jamie Brittain, who created Skins and writes for Breeders - a painful but compelling and funny series about being a parent. Like Neridah he sang the praises of his therapist as part of the journey to recovery and fulfilment. At the height of his success, Jamie was in the Priory receiving treatment for OCD and continued with years of therapy, to prepare for being a dad.

Take-aways included:

• Do one thing at a time, with everything you have. Minimise distractions and throw yourself into playing with your child and engaging in your hobbies and passions.
• Engage in therapy and keep going even when the returns seem limited. Invest in this self-exploration for yourself as a person and to benefit your parenting.
• Notice if you are feeling resentful of others’ happiness. Use this as a sign of being unfulfilled and disconnected. Prioritise self-reflection, attend therapy if you can, address it.
• Do not compare yourself to other parents, whether favourably or negatively.
• Explore forms of meditation, which for Jamie included playing a video game Spelunky.
• Play.

I have two more episodes in the bag so far - one with design mentor, podcaster and mum Emma Isaacs, on how to make time for creativity, and another with Emma Baylin of Shared Harmonies, a community singing charity, who maintained her sense of self through singing despite the challenges that came her way. Fortnightly episodes will follow.

I send a video to my mailing list subscribers to accompany each episode. Videos so far include ‘3 Ways to Tap into Childhood Passions for a More Fulfilling Life’ and ‘How to Become More Playful and Present as a Parent.’

Please join me and spread the word to clients or anyone in your life who might benefit! Subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, Google Play or wherever you get your podcasts, or listen at www.findingmeagain.me/podcast - where you can also sign up to my mailing list.

Rachel Lackey (MNCS Prof Accred)

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Emma always enjoyed singing but never knew how to make a proper career of it.

We discuss her career in strategy and policy, when she already had the feeling that she wanted to do something with singing. The first links to that were when she had her son. A creativity focused family camp workshop on community singing created a profound experience. Her son became peaceful at singing workshops and she realised “this is it”

Emma had the challenge of training whilst working as a single mum, responsible for everything. She experienced the pull between her sense of purpose and her responsibilities and at one point it all became too much. She became unwell due to the mismatch and went through periods of despair.

The supportive extended family was incredibly valuable but she needed to prove her independence.

“Trust your instincts more.”

Emma talks about starting Shared Harmonies and how there are still aspects of it that are out of her skillset, even 8 years on - but even those are easy because it’s her purpose.

Emma uses singing to tune into her instincts, Kundalini yoga to shift energy - grounding and being in the right energetic place. She uses chants and mantras even when she only has a little bit of time. 5 rhythms dancing leaves her feeling refreshed. Energy Alignment Method helps to identify blockages on a physical, aura and energetic level, in order to move forward.

“we all need those moments of personal replenishment”.

Running a passion-led business, being a passionate parent, partner, daughter - all things you need to put energy into and get energy back from. Replenishment is most needed when we’re busy.

The danger is that you put everything into it and leave nothing for yourself.

We discuss experiencing loneliness at work, not making eye contact, emailing not calling, hot-desking, then to have lock-down on top of this.

We talk about singing online and how to make it work, and about co-created songwriting, including ‘Our Song’ and how this combatted the feelings of grief, loss, panic and isolation of the early pandemic. This creation process included looking at connection to others, nature, self. We talk about how beneficial online communities have been, releasing endorphins, giving individual and collective experiences of happiness.

We look at the mis-match she experienced before. Emma compared the sense of achievement she feels at Shared Harmonies, the body experience of that.

“what could be more incredible than that? Pure pleasure and gift. That’s what running a passion led business is.”

Her mission is to bring singing to everybody and anybody and see what benefits they can enjoy. You don’t need to be an amazing singer to sing. We experience all the health benefits (better sleep, interrupted perception of pain, sense of euphoria, reduced stress hormones, trust hormones and connection with others - whether we or others think we’re a good singer or not. Take up space even if you’re not ‘perfect’. Use your voice.

“We often find the ones who say ‘my voice will clear the room’ get the most benefit.”

We touch on her being a single working mum, taking her son along to singing groups, practicing harmonies in the car with her. She now loves hearing him sing, has a singing family - all blasting out eclectic tunes at family events.

Take Aways

Sing.

Sing with others.

You can sing.

Fill yourself up in the ways that feel right for you - for your body, for releasing, for being expressive, whatever is your mixture.

Trust your instincts more. Use singing to tune into them.

Try Kundalini yoga.

Try 5 Rhythms Dance.

“People are important, we are important, the things that fill us up are important.”

www.sharedharmonies.co.uk

@sharedharmonies @sharedharmoniescic

emma@sharedharmonies.co.uk

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Take Aways

Give yourself the best part of the day to focus on passions and fulfilment. Is it early morning, lunchtime, late at night? How can you carve out uninterrupted time at that time of day?

Feeling frumpy or lacking identity? Reconnect with the style you had before kids.

If you feel yourself burning out, be realistic about how long you can continue and if you need to leave a job/commitment now, find a way. Pay attention to sleep and anxiety as an indicator.

Make yourself accountable by telling people you are planning to do something new.

Carry on in your creative super power, get back up, stay on the path.

Do it messy. Create for creating’s sake. There doesn’t need to be an end product.

If you want your children to enjoy life and engage with hobbies and passions, model your enjoyment of yours.

You can find Emma on www.emmaisaacs.co.uk and @emmaisaacsdesign on Instagram

If you’re a creative, sign up for Emma’s mailing list for support and tips and to be the first to know about her next intake of coaching. Check out her gorgeous podcast Creative Ways Podcast and follow @CreativeWaysPodcast on Instagram

This podcast has a sister video - available to my mailing list subscribers www.findingmeagain.me/podcast.

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Take Aways Do one thing at a time, with everything you have. Minimise distractions and throw yourself into playing with your child and engaging in your hobbies and passions.

Engage in therapy and keep going even when the returns seem limited. Invest in this self-exploration for yourself as a person and to benefit your parenting.

Notice if you are feeling resentful of others’ happiness. Use this as a sign of being unfulfilled and disconnected. Prioritise self-reflection, attend therapy if you can, address it.

Do not compare yourself to other parents, whether favourably or negatively.

Explore forms of meditation, which for Jamie included playing Spelunky. Engage in hard work processes, where rewards are long-term, rather than quick, less fulfilling returns like social media.

Play.

CHECK JAMIE OUT Breeders series 2 is out now. Find Jamie @matronboy on Twitter

On the mailing list this week Mailing list subscribers, you will receive a video this week guiding you through the process of putting other things to the side and immersing yourself in playing with your child(ren) so that you can all get the most out of it. Subscribe at www.findingmeagain.me/podcast

Please rate the show on iTunes. Thank you!

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Feeling lost and jealous as a mum, struggling with postnatal mental health. Re-connecting with self and others through dance and community performance to 80s music. The ordinary person and razzle dazzle.

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This podcast is for parents feeling lost and unfulfilled, ready to discover what they need to re-connect to themselves and their passions again.

Let’s fill you up now.

Join my mailing list for accompanying videos, with tips and exercises for finding your own blend of fulfilment.

www.findingmeagain.me