Mormon Marriages: Recent Episodes
Angilyn and Nate Bagley
Angilyn and Nate Bagley interview amazing LDS couples and marriage experts regarding how to create a passionate, connected, Celestial Marriage. If your're Mormon and your marriage is important to you, this podcast should be in your feed.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
“The noblest aim in life is to strive to live to make lives better and happier. The most worthy calling in life is that in which man can serve best his fellow man.” - David O. McKay
"We need to have more compassion and understanding in our marriages - for ourselves and for our partner.
There are a lot of things that enter our relationships from our pasts. We need to realize that it is going to take some time to perfect this dance. Sometimes they're going to step on your toes, and sometimes you will step on theirs. When we do that, let’s try to give each other some feedback and support.
It can quickly turn to blame and anger - ‘you stepped on me and that really hurt!’ Most often there is not malicious intent, yet people still get injured. We get hurt and our expectations get betrayed. There is a lot of emotion and discomfort and fear. It’s here that we need to start from a place of, ‘my partner is probably doing their best even though they aren’t a great dance partner yet. Maybe I’m not a great dance partner yet either! I thought I had all the moves and I don’t. How can we learn how to dance together?’"
- Dr. Cameron Staley
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
“I felt like the Lord was telling me, ‘I created you the way you are for a reason. You have these gifts and these desires and these skills because I put them there in you. It’s not wrong to follow those. In fact, it’s fulfilling the measure of your creation.’
I do believe that it is a parent’s (both a father's and a mother's) primary responsibility for the nurture of their children, and a huge part of that is finding nurturing opportunities for them. I’m the facilitator of the nurturing and the education that happens in my children’s life. I do not have to be the only one doing the nurturing.” - Rachel Nielsen
Buried in your humanity is a jewel - a gift from God. It is the strongest force in your life. There is no stronger force that you could use for good in your life then this:
Your human nature has one single motive - to fight for what it deems as normal.
It will fight to a degree that you cannot win. So, what do you do?
Simple. Redefine what’s normal.
All of a sudden, your human nature will work FOR you, instead of against you. This idea of controlling and creating what is normal is everything.
“We often think of Christ’s life as the ultimate sacrifice - which it is - but we overlook that He practiced self care. He took time alone, He napped, He ate, He would be with people and then would take time away.
We have to balance that.
If we don’t invest time in developing our sense of self, we can’t be ‘self-less.’ We wouldn’t have anything to offer.”
- Dr. Julie Hanks
“Resilience, in my mind, is found in eight simple words; Search inward, turn outward, look upward, press forward.” -Dave Schramm
“I had to learn to allow myself to simultaneously feel the gratitude, hope, and excitement of being pregnant and becoming a mom, while at the same time allowing myself to say, 'This vomiting sucks,' or, 'I'm exhausted,' or, 'My body doesn't feel like mine right now.' It seems like it should be one or the other, but it's totally okay to give space to both sides of the emotions at the same time.” - Angilyn Bagley
Some people long for a life that is simple and planned
Tied with a ribbon Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land To follow what's written But I'd follow you to the great unknown Off to a world we call our own
Hand in my hand and we promised to never let go We're walking the tightrope high in the sky We can see the whole world down below We're walking the tightrope Never sure, never know how far we could fall But it's all an adventure That comes with a breathtaking view Walking the tightrope with you”
- Tightrope, Michelle Williams
A few years ago, when cleaning out my grandparents’ house after they had both passed away, I stumbled across this marriage pamphlet titled “You and Your Marriage” by Hugh B. Brown.
He was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and also a member of the First Presidency under David O. McKay.
I read through the pamphlet, and got sucked into how many of these beliefs remain unchanged, and how many feel out-of-date.
I thought it would be fun transcribe it and to post it here for you to check out
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
"Viewing pornography is an emotional concern - not a sexual problem." - Dr. Cameron Staley
“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings.” D&C 58:3-4
“It might feel like you’re sliding backwards - like you’re back to square one. This may seem like something that has the potential to wreck you, ruin your faith, or completely divert all you’ve worked for. As long as you are doing your best, and asking for God’s help, stumbling blocks become stepping stones - it will always be a step forward.” -Jenny Rollins Nelson
"And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care..." Alma 32:37
“You can flip [the reaction to thoughts of divorce] away from fear and desperation to a stimulus that says 'we need to communicate more,' or, 'maybe we should read a book together or go and get a little help;’ You can shift it from hiding from the issues to going right at them. Physically, that’s what pain does for you. It says, ‘Oh, you better check that out. There must be something going wrong there.’” - Dr. Alan Hawkins
"Mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort requires vulnerability on both sides. To have that kind of influence on others, and to allow them to have that kind of influence on you, requires opening up in ways that can feel scary." -Angilyn Bagley
“These situations in our marriages can bring out the question, 'Do you want to know ME, or do you want to know me as you need me to be to keep you comfortable?' We come to a more stable place in our relationships when we say, 'I want to KNOW my partner - flaws and all,' so that we can build on a place of collaboration and not coercion.” - Kristin Hodson
"We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize that we only have one." - Confucius
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
“Art is therapy for me. I love it so much. There is nothing, outside of God and family, that is more rewarding than making something. We were created to be creators. It is our destiny. What a wonderful thing that is! It’s the only thing I can imagine doing forever. Everything else would get boring. Creating things has the potential to fulfill you through eternity.” - Howard Lyon
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
"Always Go to the Funeral. They may not notice if you don't, but they will always remember if you do." - Sister Debi Wilcox
“You are not a Burden.” - Dani Bates
If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
"Optimism looks like crying in my bed and having my husband hold me and comfort me for hours as I cry myself to sleep, but waking up the next day and still moving forward. It’s acknowledging the bad and the hard things that happen in life, but then to go on and choose to look for the good." - Brittany Fisher Frank
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a LDS relationship and sexuality coach as well as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois. She has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. In addition to her dissertation research on LDS women's sexuality and relationship to desire, she has taught college level human sexuality courses. Her teaching and coaching focuses on helping LDS individuals and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to consultation with couples and individuals (in person and online), she offers online relationship and sexuality courses as well as live workshops and retreats for LDS couples and individuals.
Jennifer is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts and write articles for LDS-themed blogs and magazines, on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health and faith.
I used to wonder how anyone could ever struggle with their testimony…until that person was me.
“Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” - Dr. John Gottman
“The absence of trauma, the healing from betrayal, does not equal wellness. You can heal and be in a stable place and still feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled. True sexual and relational wellness comes from moving towards a healthier place in your relationship - the vision beyond repair.” - Kristin Hodson
"We came from two different marriages, with two sets of children, two different lifestyles and careers... It was doing something difficult, and dangerous and emotionally challenging together that gave us something uniquely ours." - Georgia Anderson
“It’s exhilarating to think that we are ready to have our hearts broken - to put it back on God because we know that He can pick up the pieces.” - Danelle Beckstrand
“People don’t recover in treatment centers - people don’t recover in a buildings, or in jails. People recover in the context of relationships.” - Jason Coombs
What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?
How do you set clear boundaries and maintain them without hurting your marriage?
If you never give your spouse opportunities to show they are trustworthy, you will never trust them.
“… Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.” - D&C 88:118
The talk you wish your parents gave you! What every engaged couple needs to know before their big day.
I might have anxiety, but I am not anxiety. I might have depression, but I am not depression. I may have a mental illness, but I am not a mental illness.
Your brain believes the story you tell it. Anytime you add the words “I am” in front of any external diagnosis or illness, you’re inviting some major problems into your life.
If anyone tells you that “You are ___ ,” don’t buy that “I am ___”
The only “I am” you should connect to is the “Great I AM.”
“Life sucks sometimes, and that’s the honest truth. But, it’s the crappy parts - that type of devastation and that type of pain - that allows you to experience the purest form of joy in your entire life.” - Kim White
"You come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in your marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God." - Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
What you tell yourself is what you believe. What you choose to see becomes your own reality.
What do you need to leave behind to ensure you’re on the path that leads to your desired destination?
“Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
- Brené Brown
EXPERIMENT —> EXPERIENCE —> EXPERT
Each of these three words originate from the latin word “experiri” which simply means,”to try.”
When you allow yourself to try new things, you gain experience and wisdom, until you can finally say, “I got this!”
“But, behold, the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: Spare it a little longer.” - Jacob 5:50
“Yes, my beloved brothers and sisters, life is good if we live in such a way to make it so. Believing, desiring, deciding, and choosing correctly are the simple actions that define an increase in happiness and an increase in the inner assurance that transcends this life.” -Elder Benjamin De Hoyos, True Happiness: A Conscious Decision
“Though I could pick sides and choose who to love, it’s such a relief knowing I don’t have to. I get to love God. I get to love my husband. I get to love others independent of where they find themselves on their mortal journey.” -Chelsea Homer
Celestial marriages were never meant to be a hierarchy. There is not one spouse over another in the eyes of God. It is not about domination and power, but relationships and connection.
“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” D&C 121:41
Creating a celestial marriage is not an impossible task. With proper tools and skills, a dedication to growth, patience, practice, and a whole lot of trial and error, you can have an incredible and amazing marriage that makes you excited for eternity.
This is the dream!
I watched this Sunday as dozens of people stood up in the congregation to be recognized and sustained to their callings. And suddenly at that moment, it dawned on me. This is how it's always been!
My entire life I've been a member of this church. I never fully grasped that every day thousands of people have silently stood up, taken a deep breath, and gotten to work to make sacrament meetings, campouts, activities, parties, meetings, trainings, temple trips, lessons, service projects, and conferences happen.
I get a lot of sex-related questions from couples – especially newly engaged couples – regarding whether or not there are any restrictions or things we should avoid in the bedroom. To put it bluntly, most of them ask, "What about oral sex? Is that ok?"
The HistoryThe majority of the confusion around this topic stems from a letter sent to local church leaders and mission presidents from the First Presidency in January of 1982. The purpose of the letter was to clarify and define the correct protocol for conducting worthiness interviews for temple recommends and prospective missionaries. In the letter, Bishops, Branch Presidents and Stake Presidents were counseled:
When interviewing married persons, the one doing the interviewing should scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive to the sensibilities of those being interviewed.
The next paragraph is where the confusion originated:
Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices...The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.
This letter (seen below) was not intended to be read over the pulpit as counsel for general church members. Rather, it was meant specifically for training purposes.
Several months after the letter was received by local leaders, two things were clear to the prophet and his counselors:
- Many local leaders had dismissed the counsel to "scrupulously avoid indelicate inquiries which may be offensive" and had begun asking married couples whether or not they engaged in oral sex during their temple recommend interviews. They knew this because...
- The First Presidency received an outpouring of letters from church members asking why the church was getting involved in what goes on consensually within their bedrooms.
In October of 1982, just 9 months after the previous letter, the First Presidency sent out a clarifying letter to local leaders reemphasizing that, "should never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife. You should never deviate from the specific questions contained in the temple recommend book. If in the course of such interviews a member asks questions about the propriety of specific conduct, you should not pursue the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety of the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it."
The October letter did not specifically address whether or not oral sex was or was not considered an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice, and was also not read over the pulpit for general church members leaving many without clear answers.
It did, however, imply that it's not the business of the church what a couple does in their bedroom, and that if there is something they're not sure about, the probably shouldn't do it.
(I'd like to add my own two cents, that decisions like this should always be accompanied with an ongoing conversation involving both partners, and anyone is entitled to change their mind at any time what they are or are not comfortable with.)
There has never been a letter, talk, or statement reaffirming the statement that oral sex is off limits to couples since the original letter in January 1982.
More recently, in May of 2007, the church released a press release addressing how church members and the rest of the world can determine what is church doctrine, and what is not.
Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church. With divine inspiration, the First Presidency (the prophet and his two counselors) and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (the second-highest governing body of the Church) counsel together to establish doctrine that is consistently proclaimed in official Church publications. This doctrine resides in the four “standard works” of scripture (the Holy Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price), official declarations and proclamations, and the Articles of Faith. Isolated statements are often taken out of context, leaving their original meaning distorted.
The ScienceWe are unique in our gospel in that our doctrine reinforces the idea that sex is a deeply important, sacred, and enriching aspect of our human experience. It's a gift from God meant to unify couples spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It's the means through which we bring souls to earth and create our families.
In order for sex to fulfill its purpose of uniting couples, it needs to be an enjoyable experience for both partners. If sex is painful, uncomfortable, non-consensual, or one-sided, couples miss out on the oxytocin and dopamine rush that creates the deep, lasting and connecting emotional marriage bonds.
It's up to you to communicate with your partner and cultivate a rich and fulfilling sexual relationship. It's up to you to decide what works for you and what doesn't, what enhances your relationship, and what detracts from it.
One of the most fundamental facts that every couple should know (but few are actually taught) is that the research shows that only a small percentage of women (around 20%) can experience an orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. Most women rely on clitoral stimulation to enhance their sexual experience, and many need it to orgasm. (Where that stimulation comes from is up to you.)
ResourcesIf you want to learn more about how to cultivate a vibrant and mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, here are some resources:
This episode of "Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist" with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
You only get one life on this planet and one is more than enough if you don't hold back and go all in. - Setema Gali
"Two years ago today I met my best friend. Two months after that we got engaged, and four months after that we got married. I never thought I'd meet someone more fun than my single life, but I also never thought someone like Zack Oates existed." -Annie Oates
When you belong to a religion in which Eternal Progression is a core belief one thing is certain, you will absolutely change and evolve and grow over time. As you change and grow, your relationships also transform.
In order to ensure your relationship is one worthy of Celestial glory, you have to make sure your growth brings you closer together and doesn't pull you apart.
"You come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in our marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God."