The Wellness Compass Podcast

THIS SUMMER

In honor of this being our last column of the season — we will be taking the summer off to rest and renew — we would like to share one of our favorite poems with you. We hope this will inspire you as it has us.

If you prefer to listen to this poem read by the author herself, click HERE.

"The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean — the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down

— who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention,

how to fall down into the grass,

how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed,

how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

We find the specificity of Mary Oliver's attention to this grasshopper inspiring. It seems to us an invitation to ask, "what will we pay attention to this summer?"

Specifically, how will we pay attention to the moments when we are working in the garden, the sunsets we will see, the smell of flowers we will breathe in, the taste of fresh produce from our farmers markets, the beauty of starlit skies, a possible round of golf on a warm sunny day, the moments when we get to chase fireflies with children or play with them in the swimming pool, watching children running freely through the sprinkler, a marshmallow toasted over a campfire, or the walks we will enjoy on a summer evening?

The ample pleasures of summer invite us to pay attention, to fall down into the grass, to be idle and blessed, and to stroll through the fields.

If the question Mary Oliver ends her poem with seems too immense, perhaps we can whittle it down to this:

What is it you plan to do with this wild and precious summer?

Best to you during the magical time of summer. May you enjoy its splendors. And we will see you again right after Labor Day.

Warmly, Holly and Scott Stoner

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This podcast is a companion to our Wellness Compass column. What follows is the text of the column we emailed out this week on this same topic:

"Baseball is too slow for me—I prefer sports like basketball with its constant action and scoring" is a comment we overheard at our grandson's Little League game this week. Because it wasn't said directly to us, we didn't have the opportunity to respond with all the ways we love the slow pace of baseball. We'd like to share those with you now, and because this is a wellness column, we can't resist the opportunity to reflect on what the slowness of baseball has to teach us.

First on the list would have probably been that we love the game just because it is slow. Even with the advent of the pitch clock and a few other changes to speed up the game for our impatient culture, the game still has a refreshing pace that allows you to savor each pitch, each at bat, and each play in the field. The pace allows you to pause long enough to wonder, "Should they bring the infield in?" or "Is this a good time to hit and run?" or "Should the outfield be playing this batter to pull?" or "The pitcher has thrown three consecutive four-seam fastballs—so is it time to throw a circle change?"

The opinion that baseball is too slow has been voiced more frequently over the last few decades. Perhaps a different way to frame that perception is that life by contrast has increasingly sped up and maybe even become too fast.

Baseball is a celebration of slowness. It resonates with the slow food movement and the increased interest in slow travel. Within medicine there is even a new movement called slow medicine, which is pushing back on the limitations of the five to seven minute office visits.

Speaking of medicine, Scott tried something very counter-cultural (and counter-intuitive for him) this week. He had a doctor's appointment and his doctor was running late so he had a half hour to himself in the waiting room. Because he was thinking about this concept of patience and slowing down, he resisted getting his phone out and checking the news or his email or …. last night's box scores. He sat for a full thirty minutes without reaching for his phone. He took some deep breaths and practiced some mindfulness meditation. When he returned home he was embarrassed to report that this was not easy for him to do. Like the woman we overheard at our grandson's baseball game, he, too, sometimes craves action and stimulation.

Life has its own series of waiting rooms. Waiting for clarity on a difficult issue. Waiting for a loved one to find their way. Waiting for healing. Waiting for peace. We long for progress and some kind of action that will bring quick resolution. When we can't just scroll ahead we are invited to enter into the wisdom of slowness and the practice of patience.

Three thousand years ago the author of the book of Ecclesiastes gave us this hopeful wisdom, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

May we find the grace to trust the season we are in and to patiently embrace the waiting and unfolding, even when we wish things would move a little faster.

And may we watch a few games of baseball to remind us of the benefits of slowing down.

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Sharing Awe: What 19,000 Likes Can Teach Us About Supporting One Another's Mental Health

Wellness Compass Podcast Hosted by Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT & Scott Stoner, LMFT

Episode Overview Something unexpected happened after Holly and Scott's last column and podcast about the Artemis II astronauts — a quote about the view of Earth from space, and how it reveals no borders, no divisions, only our shared humanity, went viral on Facebook with nearly 20,000 likes and almost 7,000 shares. In this episode, Holly and Scott reflect on what that overwhelming response reveals about what people are truly hungry for: awe, wonder, and a sense of connection. They explore the science of awe and how cultivating it can meaningfully strengthen our mental health.

Key Themes The Power of Awe The viral response to their post was a powerful reminder of how starved many people are for good news and experiences of unity. Research confirms that experiences of awe calm our nervous systems, help us think more clearly, and have a measurable positive impact on mental health.

The Science Behind Awe Holly and Scott highlight the work of Dr. Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, who has identified eight key sources of awe in everyday human experience.

The Eight Wonders of Awe (Dr. Dacher Keltner) 1. Moral Beauty — Witnessing acts of courage, kindness, or perseverance in others 2. Collective Effervescence — The shared energy of a group moving, worshipping, dancing, or celebrating together 3. Nature — Immersion in the natural world and its "wild awe" 4. Music — Experiencing or creating music collectively 5. Visual Design — Encountering great art, architecture, or sacred geometry 6. Spirituality and Religion — Mystical experiences, prayer, communal worship, transcendence 7. Life and Death — The thin, liminal places of birth, dying, and transition 8. Epiphany — Realizing you are part of something far larger than yourself

Personal Reflection Question What could you do this week to enhance your own sense of awe? Consider revisiting a past moment that moved you deeply, or intentionally placing yourself somewhere — or with someone — that opens you to wonder. Even a simple gratitude practice, especially when shared with another person, can be a doorway into awe.

What We Pay Attention to Will Grow A core principle of the Wellness Compass Initiative: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. This episode invites us to ask — what are we amplifying? On social media and in daily life, are we spreading wonder and connection, or discord and division? This isn't about toxic positivity; it's about intentionally choosing where we direct our energy and attention.

Upcoming Free Wellness Circles Wellness Circles are a free, six-week small group experience designed to cultivate awareness, intention, and well-being — a perfect real-life space to experience awe and gratitude with others.

Tuesday, May 4 at 1:00 PM
Wednesday, May 5 at 5:15 PM

To sign up, visit wellnesscompass.org and click the green bar at the top of the homepage, or email Holly directly at holly@wellnesscompass.org.

Connect With Us * 🌐 Website: wellnesscompass.org * 📧 General contact: connect@wellnesscompass.org * 📧 Holly: holly@wellnesscompass.org

Go forth and be awesome — discover awe, experience awe, and share it. May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy.

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Wellness Compass Podcast — Show Notes

Episode: What Artemis II Can Teach Us About Mental Health

About This Episode

Scott and Holly Stoner, licensed marriage and family therapists and co-founders of the Wellness Compass Initiative, reflect on the Artemis II moon voyage and draw out four wellness lessons for our everyday lives. Recorded the night before the crew's scheduled return to Earth, this episode connects the wonder of outer space exploration to the inner work of mental health and well-being.

In This Episode

There Is Power in Expanding Our Perspective The Artemis II astronauts witnessed an "earthrise" from the moon — and it changed how they saw everything. Scott and Holly reflect on how this mirrors a core wellness practice: recognizing that other people see the same situations we do, but from entirely different vantage points. Rather than assuming someone is wrong, stubborn, or uninformed, we can get curious about how things look from where they're standing. One astronaut said it beautifully: "When we're up here, we don't see borders. We don't see religious lines. We don't see political boundaries. All we see is Earth. And you can see that we are way more alike than we are different."
If You Want to Go Far, Go Together A proverb reminds us: if you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. The four astronauts brought diverse skills and perspectives, and their success depended on their interconnection — plus the enormous team of scientists and engineers supporting them from Earth. As Scott and Holly often say: wellness begins with we. Building and strengthening our crew helps all of us go farther.
There Is a Time for Autopilot and a Time for Taking the Controls NASA required every crew member to practice manually flying the spacecraft — just in case autopilot failed. In life, transitions and disruptions (a health diagnosis, job loss, relationship change, or a global pandemic) can knock us off autopilot and require us to fly with greater intentionality. Scott and Holly share how COVID did exactly that for them personally, leading them to reshape their entire approach to delivering their work. Change is hard, but building our "change muscles" helps us respond rather than simply react.
Growth Requires Moving Out of Comfort Zones Could there be a more dramatic example of leaving your comfort zone than flying to the moon? When the crew lost contact with Earth for 41 minutes on the far side of the moon, they had to rely on each other and themselves completely. All growth — personal, relational, professional — requires stepping out of what is comfortable and familiar. The key is doing it with awareness, intention, and a supportive team.

Mentioned in This Episode

Artemis II moon voyage (April 2025)
The Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being
Wellness Circles — six-week small group wellness program
New coaching and in-service offerings for nonprofit leaders and providers

Resources & Links

Website: wellnesscompass.org
Coaching and in-services for leaders and providers: wellnesscompass.org/coaching
Wellness Circles — new groups forming in mid-May; sign up at wellnesscompass.org
Email: connect@wellnesscompass.org

Closing Thought "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe — and may you continue to build your crew, strengthen your crew, move out of your comfort zones, and expand your perspective."

New episodes every two weeks.

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What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that was send out today and based on the same topic as this podcast episode:

Only Love Can Do That

Theo of Golden by Allan Levi is the book I (Holly) am currently reading and loving. Only three quarters of the way through it, the main character Theo and his story has really captivated me as he is everything I'd like to be: curious about others, a good listener to everyone, generous, and non-judgmental.

I've been telling Scott about it all week, sharing many of the stories about Theo's loving kindness and how I find it to be an antidote for much of the suffering that is happening in the world.

Like Theo, we believe that love, kindness, and compassion are the most powerful and most essential forces in the world. We find it important to state this, especially at a time when fear and violence are a constant presence.

We talk in our Wellness Compass resources about how there are many compasses that compete to guide our lives. The compasses of the dominant culture are strong, as are the compasses of our upbringings. Choosing spiritual values, as Theo does—like love, kindness, and compassion—to be what guides us toward True North is an intentional choice any of us can make, no matter what other forces may tempt us to follow them instead.

As psychotherapists, we know firsthand the destruction that violence and hatred cause. Having worked with countless clients who have experienced the mind- and soul-crushing effects of violence and hatred, our hearts have been broken more times than we can count. At the same time, being witnesses to the healing power of love and compassion in the lives of people who have suffered has time and time again reminded us that love and compassion are indeed stronger than violence and hatred.

Hatred and violence are ever present in our world, there is no doubt. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." That's why we need to continuously choose love, kindness, and compassion as our enduring values both for our own well-being and the well-being of our world.

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The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves Wellness Compass Podcast Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Episode Summary

We hear about self-compassion and self-care so often that the words can start to wash over us — and yet most of us are still much better at offering compassion to others than to ourselves. In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner explore why these practices are not luxuries or signs of self-indulgence, but the very foundation of sustained wellness, healthy relationships, and genuine care for others. Drawing on their work as marriage and family therapists, their Wellness Compass programs, and a moving story from a high school mental health fair, they make the case that a full cup is what makes giving possible — and that self-compassion is not about lowering the bar, but about meeting yourself with honesty and kindness at the same time.

Key Themes

Why self-compassion and self-care feel so countercultural — and why they matter more than ever right now
The difference between self-compassion and toxic positivity — it's honest and kind, not one or the other
How the inner critic develops, why it sometimes seems to work in the short run, and why it grinds us down over time
Social media and the trap of "comparing your insides to other people's outsides"
The Wellness Compass core principle: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow
Why self-care is not selfish — it's about creating a centered self, not a self-centered one

Story from the Episode

Holly shares a conversation from a high school mental health fair with a young football player who was carrying heavy self-criticism after his team's loss. His story illustrates something universal — the weight we carry when we hold ourselves to a standard that leaves no room for compassion, effort, or grace.

Quote of the Episode

"Self-care is not about being self-centered. It's about creating a centered self." — Scott Stoner

Featured Resource

Kristin Neff — leading researcher, author, and teacher on self-compassion. Her simple, powerful starting point: "Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend." Here's a link to one of her videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k

Upcoming Events

🌀 Wellness Circles — beginning April 7th and 8th, online. A practical, supported space for self-care and community. Learn more at wellnesscompass.org

Making It Personal

Is there an area of your life — at work, at home, or out in the world — where you tend to be hardest on yourself? Name it honestly, and then ask: what would it look like to be a little more gentle there?
What is one concrete thing you could do — journaling, a conversation, a shift in thinking — to grow more self-compassion in that area?
Where in your life could you use a little more self-care right now? What would it mean to fill your cup so you have more to offer yourself and others?

Connect with Holly and Scott

📧 Holly: holly@wellnesscompass.org
📧 Scott: scott@wellnesscompass.org
📧 Podcast & column: connect@wellnesscompass.org
🌐 wellnesscompass.org

New episodes release every two weeks. Until then — may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live at ease, and may you deepen your practice of self-care and self-compassion.

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Wellness Compass Podcast Show Notes Episode #173: The Courage to Reset: Lessons from an Olympic Champion,

Overview

Scott Stoner and Holly Hughes Stoner explore the power of making intentional resets in our lives — drawing inspiration from Olympic figure skater Alyssa Liu, who took two years away from skating at age 16 to prioritize her mental health, then returned to win gold at age 20.

The Inspiring Story of Alyssa Liu

Alyssa Liu's journey offers a compelling model for all of us. At 16, at the height of her competitive career, she stepped away from elite figure skating because the relentless pressure and busyness were taking a toll on her mental health. After two years of rest and renewal, she returned to the sport about a year ago — and what stood out wasn't just her technical skill, but her visible joy and ease on the ice. Her story challenges the assumption that stepping back means giving up.

Her words: "I hope that with all this attention, I can at least raise awareness about mental health in sports and mental health in general... I think my story is pretty cool. So I hope that it inspires other people as well."

Three Key Takeaways from Holly

Resting or resetting is not the same as quitting. Pausing something — a commitment, a role, a pace — is not failure. It's wisdom. Whether it's pulling back from a work obligation, a relationship pattern, or a draining routine, stepping back can create the perspective we need to move forward with more intention.
Detach your well-being from your achievements. When we're known for something or skilled at it, it can easily become our identity. But who we are is not defined by our output, our titles, or what we produce. Remembering this is itself a kind of reset.
Listen to your whispers. Low energy, lack of joy, going through the motions — these are signals worth paying attention to. Alyssa Liu listened to hers. Scott and Holly share their own example: shifting the podcast and column to an every-other-week format to show up with more energy, preparation, and joy for each episode.

What a Reset Might Look Like for You

Resets don't have to be dramatic. They can be small and still be powerful:

Getting up five minutes earlier for quiet time or meditation
Turning off the radio on your drive home to breathe and reflect
Shifting from going through the motions to being more intentionally present with family, friends, or colleagues
Reframing how you see a person or situation — sometimes the reset happens entirely in how we think

A Note on Hard Seasons

Scott and Holly acknowledge that sometimes we're in the middle of a crisis, grief, or loss — circumstances we can't simply reset our way out of. This conversation isn't about toxic positivity. It's about the smaller, courageous choices we can make to navigate our lives with more awareness and intention.

Resources & Connect

Website: wellnesscompass.org
Email Scott: scott@wellnesscompass.org
Email Holly: holly@wellnesscompass.org
Facebook: Wellness Compass page
Upcoming Wellness Circles: Six-week online Zoom groups begin the first week of April — free to join. Sign up at wellnesscompass.org.

Until we gather again in two weeks — may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at ease, and may you know when you are in need of a reset, big or small.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

Valentine's Day invites us to celebrate love with cards, flowers, and chocolates—gestures that honor the warm feelings we have for the people we care about. Feelings are an important aspect of love, but love is so much more than that. What sustains love through ordinary days, difficult seasons, and genuine hardship?

This week, nineteen Buddhist monks completed a 2,300-mile walk from Texas to Washington, D.C., covering over twenty miles each day for 108 days. Some walked barefoot. Some nights they slept in tents in the midst of freezing weather. Early in their journey, their escort vehicle was struck by a distracted driver, and one monk lost his leg. Rather than responding with anger or litigation, the monks offered compassion and continued their pilgrimage.

Their journey teaches us something essential: love is not primarily a feeling. Love is an embodied practice—a decision we make again and again through our actions.

American scholar and author bell hooks wrote that, "Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action." She insisted that love requires care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. These aren't emotions that wash over us. They're disciplines we can choose to cultivate, day after difficult day.

This understanding has for centuries appeared across wisdom traditions as well. In the Bible, for example, in 1 Corinthians 13, love is described not as a feeling but as a series of actions: love is patient, love is kind, love does not keep a record of wrongs. These are choices, not sentiments. They require intention and practice.

The monks' walk demonstrates this truth beautifully. When faced with injury and loss, they couldn't rely solely on positive feelings to carry them forward. They instead relied on their commitment to peace—a commitment expressed through every mindful step, every tent pitched in the cold, every encounter with strangers along the highway.

Their example has profound implications for our relationships. When we understand love as practice rather than feeling, we stop waiting for the emotion to show up before we act lovingly. We show up for our partner even when we're frustrated. We offer kindness to our children even when we're exhausted. We extend compassion to ourselves even when we feel unworthy of it.

Love as practice means recognizing that the small, unglamorous choices matter most: listening when we'd rather talk, pausing before reacting, choosing forgiveness over resentment, showing up consistently rather than dramatically. These daily disciplines build the foundation that feelings alone cannot sustain.

So this Valentine's Day, by all means celebrate with flowers and chocolates. But also ask yourself: What loving actions will I practice even when the warm, affectionate feelings aren't always there? How will I embody love even when it costs me something? What am I willing to walk twenty miles a day for?

The monks teach us that love sustained over 2,300 miles isn't about warm feelings. It's about faithful practice. Step by step. Day by day. Choice by choice.

That's the love that endures.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

Start With Why (Part 2 of a six-part series on change).

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why"—a clear reason for making the change. The "why" is the root system that grounds and nurtures change. Without a strong root system, most attempts at change will wither or die out altogether. For example, if a person makes a New Year's resolution simply because it's the popular thing to do, there is a good chance that resolution won't stick. If, however, a resolution is grounded in a compelling why, it has a much greater chance of lasting.

Author Simon Sinek writes extensively about change. He says most people focus only on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That's their "what." They may even have a "how"—a plan for doing this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify why they want to spend less time on screens—to connect more meaningfully with others, pursue other activities, or get more sleep—then there's a greater chance they'll make a lasting change.

All great leaders inspire and facilitate change with a clear "why." Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who passed away in 2021, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. The "why" that kept him going, even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers, was his belief that all people are created equal and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. What he did and how he did it evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why" never wavered. His "why" sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

This principle has guided a significant change in our own work. Before COVID, our main strategy for our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative centered on creating print resources and traveling around the country doing in-person trainings. This approach was effective and personally rewarding, and while it helped us reach thousands of people, its scalability was limited. When COVID hit, we were forced to pivot—developing digital downloads and moving all our trainings and meetings online. Initially, we made these changes simply because circumstances required it.

But here's where the "why" became essential. As the world reopened, we faced a choice: return to our familiar pre-COVID methods or embrace the challenging work of continuing to grow these new digital strategies. We could have easily justified going back to what we knew best. Instead, we chose to press forward with learning new technologies like podcasting and expanding our digital reach. Why? Because our deeper purpose has always been to expand access to wellness resources for as many people as possible.

The changes have been challenging. There's a learning curve to new technology, and we miss the warmth of in-person gatherings. But our reach has expanded in ways we never imagined. Now we are reaching many tens of thousands of people Before COVID, we ran Wellness Circles in person in our local geographic area. Now we facilitate five times as many Wellness Circles, regularly welcoming participants from Europe, South America, and other parts of the world, as well as people just down the street from where we live and work. Our "why"—making high quality wellness resources accessible to organizations and individuals who need them—gave us the motivation to persist through the challenges that change always brings.

Making It Personal

Can you think of a change you have already made in your life that was fueled by a clear "why"? How did it go?
Is there a change you want to make, or are making now, that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why"?
What is your "why" for the change you are aspiring to make and how might identifying that help motivate to stick with it?

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In this episode we mention our Wellness Compass Self Assessment. Here is a link to our assessment(s). Click HERE to learn more, and/or to download the self-assessment for your own use.

And Holly mentions her personal trianer in this episode--the amazing Luanne Vogel. You can learn more about Luanne, including her contact info HERE.

And if you would like to join our upcoming Wellness Compass "pop up" session on Thursday, January 22, 7:00 PM Central Time, click HERE. There are 8 dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass and for this session we will focus on the Relationship dimension of wellbeing.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

Listening for a Change (Part 1 of an Updated 6-Part Series on Understanding Growth & Change)

Four years ago, we wrote a series of six columns about the process of change—how it starts, what keeps it going, and why it's often so hard. Since then, people have regularly asked us to share information from those columns again. As marriage and family therapists who've spent decades working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations, we've learned that understanding how change actually works is key to making the changes we want to make. So we decided it was time to update this series. For the next six columns (and podcasts), we'll look at how change begins with listening, the stages we go through, what keeps us stuck, and what helps change last. So, if you're thinking about a change or already in the middle of one, we hope this series is helpful.

Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, a lot of us take stock of our lives this time of year. We pause and ask ourselves if there are changes we want to make. The turning of the calendar invites us to think about what in our lives needs attention. What might need to shift or grow?

One idea we've found to be helpful—both in our own lives and with our clients—is what we call "listening to the whispers." It's pretty simple: all meaningful change begins with listening. Often a desire or need for change first shows up as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something's not quite right. The whisper might sound like:

"I'm feeling disconnected from _______. I'm not sure how to fix that, and honestly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time."

"I used to make time for ________, and I really miss that. I want to find a way to bring it back."

"The pace of my life is wearing me out. I can feel it in my body, and I want to do something about it before I burn out."

"My relationship with alcohol (or screens, or work, or shopping) has changed in ways that worry me. I want to address this now, while I still can."

"This job doesn't fit who I'm becoming anymore. I'm going to start looking at what else is out there."

"I feel called to get more involved in what's happening in my community. I'm going to talk to people who are already doing the kind of work I want to do."

"There are things in our family we keep avoiding. I think we could be stronger if we started being more honest with each other."

"I keep hearing people talk about meditation and how much it helps them. I'm curious about what that might do for me."

That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. But here's what we've noticed: when a whisper goes unheeded, it doesn't just go away. The pattern we see again and again is that the whisper gets louder. Gradually our inner voice starts to shout. And what happens if we don't listen even then? Eventually something breaks through—a consequence, maybe even a crisis—something we can't ignore anymore.

When it comes to taking care of ourselves and our relationships, we need to learn to listen to these hints. Healthy people, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this regularly. They take honest looks in the mirror. And because they know they can still fool themselves, they ask for honest feedback from people they trust. They create ways to get feedback so they can adapt and respond to warning signs. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and actually listening to what wants and/or needs to change.

Our lives are always speaking to us. Together, let's commit to listening to what they might be saying.

And speaking of change, we are making a small change with the frequency of our Wellness Column and Podcast. Due to other new initiatives that we are working on (more about that later!), we will be moving from a weekly format to an every other week format. So look for our next column and podcast in two weeks, and every other week thereafter. And please note that this change came from a "whisper" that reminded us that our bandwidth has limits and that we can't develop new initiatives without making space for the energy they require!

Making It Personal—These questions can help you listen more closely to what your life might be saying right now:

What do you think about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?
Can you think of a time when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it led to something good?
Listening to your life right now, what's one change that's calling for your attention as we start this new year?

In the weeks ahead, we'll explore the stages of change, what helps transformation stick, and how to work with resistance—both the kind inside us and the kind from others. We're looking forward to this journey with you.

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Sharing Light in the Darkness

In the 1990's, there was a children's show on the Nickelodeon Network that our children and we loved, called Are You Afraid of the Dark? One thing that made the show special was that it was just scary enough, without being terrifying. We find ourselves thinking about that show now as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach the darkest night of the year. There is a lot of fear, a lot of scary things happening in the world, things that can seem dark and overwhelming at times.

As therapists, we find ourselves invited into so many conversations these days about how can one find and how can one be light in the midst of the very real darkness we are seeing in the world.

Fortunately, we are not the first people to encounter this struggle. Each of the world's spiritual traditions offers wisdom on finding hope, love, and peace—light—in the midst of the darkness of suffering, injustice, and violence.

A few years ago, we lost power in our house for several days due to an ice storm. As disruptive as that experience was, we discovered a lesson that has stayed with us. We discovered the difference a single candle can make in a pitch-black room. This experience has stayed with us, especially during difficult times when tragedy strikes our communities or violence erupts in our world. Like many of us, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by the darkness around us, uncertain where to turn or what to do. But then we remember the difference that one small candle, one small light can make.

There's an old saying: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." For us now, lighting one candle means doing something kind and loving for someone else—some act of service that brings a small amount of light into their world and, little by little, helps brighten our world as a whole.

Here's what's remarkable about sharing light: when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your own light. Unlike money or material resources, we can share the light of hope, love, and kindness with countless others, and still have own light which can continue to burn just as brightly.

As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, may we all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. The darkness is real and powerful, but the power of love and light is greater still.

Making It Personal:

When have you experienced someone lighting a candle of hope for you during a dark time? How did their act of kindness change your perspective or situation?
What small act of love or service could you offer this week to bring light into someone else's world?
What helps you remember that sharing your light with others doesn't diminish your own? How might this understanding change the way you approach generosity this season?

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:

The Spirit (and Neuroscience) of Generosity

The holidays are a time for gift giving and generosity. Nonprofits receive more donations of both money and volunteer hours this time of year than at any other time. With that in mind, we offer a few thoughts on practicing generosity—not just during the holidays, but all year long.

Our Brains Are Wired for Generosity

The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in their book entitled The Book of Joy, remind us that generosity is fundamental by saying the following, "Generosity is so important in all of the world's religions because it no doubt expresses a fundamental aspect of our interdependence and our need for one another. Generosity was so important for our survival that the reward centers of our brain light up as strongly when we give as when we receive, sometimes even more so." Modern neuroscience confirms this ancient wisdom. We are literally hardwired for generosity.

Our Gifts Can Go Beyond the Material

While material gifts can be meaningful, many of the most significant forms of generosity often cost nothing. The gift of presence—truly listening to someone who needs to be heard—activate our neural reward pathways. So does offering forgiveness, sharing a burden, or bearing witness to another's joy or pain. These exchanges of care create the web of interdependence that sustains us.

Hospitality Can Be a Gift

A friend recently shared a formative memory. Every Christmas, her parents invited people they knew who were alone to join them for dinner—someone from work, a neighbor, someone from church. She said those experiences taught her more about the meaning of the holidays than any material gift she ever received.

Generosity Transforms Hearts

How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol are beloved because both the Grinch and Scrooge are transformed by embracing joy and generosity. Hearts that were two sizes too small become enlarged.

This holiday season, let's commit to practicing generosity in all its forms as we give warmth freely, receive graciously, and notice how both nourish our connections with others.

Making It Personal:

Think of a time when someone offered you the gift of their presence—truly listening or simply staying with you through something difficult. What made that moment meaningful? How did it feel?
Like the Grinch or Scrooge, where in your life right now might you be resisting generosity (think time, attention, forgiveness, or resources)? What would it feel like if you worked so that part of your heart grew larger?
If you were to create your own ritual of generosity—whether during holidays or throughout the year—what would it look like? Who might you include, and what would you want others to feel from witnessing this practice?

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The Power of "Enough"-Finding Contentment in a Culture of More

We live in a culture that constantly tells us that we need more, especially as we approach the holidays. More success, more possessions, more activities, more social media likes, more achievements, more of everything. We don't know about you, but the constant striving leaves us exhausted, anxious, and spiritually depleted. There is another choice, though. We can embrace a different mindset, one we call the power of "enough." Here are four thoughts on what the power of "enough" looks like and how we can embrace it.

How the mindset of "never enough" negatively impacts our mental health. The psychology of scarcity can have a significant impact on our well-being. We end up feeling like we never have enough or that we never are enough. We also start to believe that everyone else seems to have "enough," or at least more than what we have. It's so easy to find ourselves on the treadmill of never enough that we don't even realize that we are on it.

We are all familiar with the story of the half a glass of water and the question of whether it is half full or half empty. A third option is that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. In this metaphor, the glass represents our desires to have more. Once we learn to scale down the size of our desires, we will experience more fullness with what we already have.

Chasing after external validation ultimately leaves us feeling empty. Wisdom teachers across traditions remind us that we're already complete, already beloved, already whole. When we chase external validation to fill an internal void, we're looking in the wrong direction. All religions teach that a life of meaning and happiness isn't based on an abundance of possessions and offer invitations to recognize the fullness already present in this moment and in what we already have.

There are things we can do each day to cultivate the belief that we already have enough. Here are a few ideas. Begin and/or end each day with a simple moment of gratitude. Pause and be thankful. Sit quietly and notice what's already here: your breath, a roof over your head, the beauty of nature, and the kindness of others. When you notice the desire for "more" arising, pause and ask: "What if I already have enough? What if I already am enough?"

Living from abundance rather than scarcity is a choice we need to make continuously. When we're not desperately grasping for more, we can live from genuine appreciation rather than anxious striving. We can give more generously, rest more deeply, and love more freely.

The power of "enough" isn't about having less—it's about being more present, more peaceful, and more content.

Making It Personal:

Does the holiday season create stress around not having enough or feeling not enough? Reflect on specific areas—work, relationships, possessions, achievements—where you feel the pull of "more." What does this striving cost you emotionally and spiritually?

What would change in your daily life if you truly believed, "I am enough," and "I have enough"?

When have you experienced a moment of genuine contentment—a time when you felt delighted with what was present? What conditions made that possible? How might you cultivate more of those conditions in your life, especially during this holiday season?

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE.

Beyond Thank You: Four Truths About Gratitude from an Unexpected Vista

The two of us went on a hike the other day. It was a beautiful late Wisconsin fall day. We had chosen a large state protected area we'd never explored before, and as we switchbacked up a ridge, we had no idea we were about to experience gratitude in its truest form.

Turned around at the top, we were overwhelmed with the unexpected view we now had looking out over the Wisconsin River. The sun was hitting the river at just the perfect angle causing the flowing water to glisten magnificently. Without a word being said we both stopped in our tracks and silently breathed in the view. After a minute both of us declared how grateful we were to be there to enjoy the special moment. Standing still for a moment, our bodies had minds of their own and knew the appropriate response to that experience of overwhelming gratitude.

As we continued our hike, we found ourselves appreciating people we would never meet—the conservationists who fought to protect that land, the trail builders who carved those switchbacks, the park staff who maintain the paths. Our moment of beauty and gratitude was made possible by countless others who cared enough to preserve this place.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we keep thinking about our hike and what it taught us about deeper understanding of gratitude. Here are four insights we're carrying forward:

Real gratitude is embodied, not just intellectual. It moves through our whole being—physical, emotional, and spiritual. When gratitude is genuine, it shows up in our bodies, not just our minds. Watch for those moments when thankfulness moves you to stop, gesture, to extend a hand, or to offer a touch that physically expresses what words alone cannot capture.
Gratitude emerges from wonder and awe. While it's important to teach children to say "thank you," gratitude is much more than good manners or something we "should" express. Authentic gratitude comes from being thankful for the sheer gift of existence, for beauty we didn't create, and for the shared good of people known and unknown to us. It's about letting ourselves be humbled by moments that remind us how extraordinary ordinary life can be.
Gratitude reveals our profound interconnectedness. Almost nothing we experience comes from our efforts alone. When we trace backward from any moment of joy or beauty, we discover countless hands—seen and unseen—that made it possible. We live within an intricate web of giving and receiving that stretches across time and space.

Watching the American Revolution* on PBS this week has reminded us of our gratitude for those who gave so much to create the country and it's freedoms that we still cherish today.

Gratitude inspires us to share. When we recognize how our experiences depend on others' care and commitment, we're inspired to become those people for others. Gratitude isn't passive—it awakens us to our role as both recipients and stewards. Metaphorically, what trails do we want to build for others?

We wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and hope that you may find your own moments where wonder breaks through the ordinary and gratitude rises spontaneously.

Making It Personal:

When has gratitude moved through your whole being—not just your mind? Describe a moment when thankfulness expressed itself physically. What does it feel like when you experience authentic gratitude versus polite thank-yous?
Recall a recent moment of wonder or awe. How did that experience connect you to something larger than yourself? Did that experience inspire gratitude in you?
Choose one thing you're grateful for this Thanksgiving. Trace the web of interconnection backward: Who made this possible? Whose work, whose love, whose choices? How does seeing this network of interdependence enhance your feeling of gratitude?

We will be traveling for Thanksgiving, and so our column and podcast will return in two weeks.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE

Awe, Mystery, and the Northern Lights: Nature's Gift to Our Well-Being

This week, something extraordinary happened. People across the Northern Hemisphere stopped in their tracks, looked up at the night sky, and collectively whispered, "Whoa." The Northern Lights danced across skies where they rarely appear, and for a few precious moments, we remembered what it means to be truly awestruck.

The aurora borealis is more than just a spectacular show—it provides a powerful reminder of how awe and mystery contribute to our mental health and overall well-being.

Awe Calms Our Nervous System

Dr. Dacher Keltner (author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life) writes that experiencing awe has tremendous health benefits, including calming our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the "love" hormone that promotes trust and bonding. If we were fortunate enough to gaze at the Northern Lights this week, our bodies weren't just witnessing beauty—they were receiving a dose of natural medicine. The vastness of the aurora helped momentarily quiet our anxious minds and reminded us that we are part of something much larger than our daily worries and stresses.

Awe Pulls Us Out of Our Small Stories

When we encounter something as mysterious and magnificent as the Northern Lights, we're given a break from our usual preoccupations. We don't have to overthink anything; we only have to witness what we are experiencing.. This experience of mystery shifts our perspective from the narrow concerns of our individual lives to a broader, more transcendent awareness. In those moments, the stresses that felt overwhelming just minutes before seem to find their proper proportion.

Slowing Down to Notice Creates Space for Wonder

The Northern Lights required us to stop. To slow down. To step outside and look up. This mirrors what children do naturally—they stop in their tracks to examine a caterpillar or watch a bird, their whole face lighting up as they shout, "Whoaaaaaaaaa!" If you look up the word whoa in the dictionary, you will see that one of its meanings is to slow down or stop, as in the command a rider gives to a horse.

The spiritual dimension of well-being depends on our willingness to pause long enough to notice the "whoa moments" that surround us. Whether it's a celestial phenomenon or a small everyday miracle, we must be present to receive them.

Witnessing Awe Can Bring Us Together

Perhaps the most beautiful aspect of this week's aurora display was how it became a collective experience. People texted photos to friends, gathered in groups to watch, and shared their wonder on social media. One friend even shared how joyful it was to see so many of their neighbors gathering in the street, dressed in their pajamas.

Awe doesn't just benefit us individually—it bonds us together. When we acknowledge life's profound mysteries together, we remember our common humanity and our shared capacity for reverence.

As we return to our daily routines, the Northern Lights can continue to remind us that cultivating our capacity for awe isn't a nice extra—it's essential to our well-being.

We can strengthen our capacity for awe by paying attention, practicing mindfulness, and choosing to notice the moments of beauty and mystery that surround us every day. The universe is constantly offering us "whoa moments." The question is: Are we willing to slow down long enough to notice them?

Making It Personal

1.Think about a recent time when you experienced profound awe—perhaps the Northern Lights, a sunset, or something that stopped you in your tracks. What did you see and feel? How did your body respond? What worries fell away in that moment?

Children naturally stop to marvel at small wonders. What prevents you from experiencing life this way? What would it take to create more space in your daily life to slow down and notice moments of beauty and mystery?
Dr. Keltner suggests that our ability to experience awe can be strengthened through practice. Looking at the week ahead, where might you intentionally create opportunities to encounter mystery and wonder? Choose one specific practice you'll commit to this week.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column we send by email each Friday, based on the same topic as the podcast episode for that week. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE

Taking Time to Reset

Having just reset our clocks this week, we know that this simple adjustment—moving backward by a single hour—can change our entire rhythm. For some, the change was not a big deal; for others, it is still affecting their sleep schedules (or those of their kids or pets). But here's the good news: within a few days, most of us recalibrate and adapt.

This semi-annual ritual reminds us that the power of a small reset can change our perspectives. When we consciously shift our perspectives, we can transform our experience of life just as dramatically as changing our experience of the sun rising and setting.

Small Shifts Can Create Big Changes

The key is recognizing that our perspectives are a choice. When we feel stuck, we often think our external situation must change before we can feel different. But what if the "reset" we need isn't in our circumstances but in how we're looking at them? A relationship conflict might shift when we stop asking "who's wrong?" and start asking "what does this relationship need?"

We have all had the experience of negatively judging someone's behavior, and then shifting our reaction from judgment to compassion when our perspective changed with additional information about why a person is acting the way they are.

Perspective Shapes Experience More Than Facts Do

Two people can experience the same time change and have entirely different perspectives. One embraces the earlier sunrise while the other curses the earlier sunset. Another person is irritated because they believe the government should end daylight saving time altogether.

Our brains are meaning-making machines, constantly interpreting and narrating our lives. Two people receive the same email from their boss that offers constructive feedback. One person finds the email helpful and motivating. The other finds it demoralizing and shaming. All of our experiences are filtered through our perspective. It's been said that we don't see things as they are, but often we see them as we are. This is why checking out our perspectives with others can be helpful, rather than assuming they are always accurate and useful.

Resistance to Resetting Keeps Us Stuck

Mindset, a popular bestselling book by Carol Dweck, outlines the crucial difference between a fixed and a growth mindset. A growth mindset is characterized by an openness to changing and resetting our views and perspectives. A fixed mindset is just what it sounds like—its motto is, "but I/we have always done it this way." Resistance to resetting our perspectives rarely serves us well, and almost always impedes growth.

In our world today, changing one's perspective is often seen as a weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. As we grow and mature and gain new information and experiences, it is only natural for our perspectives to shift. And even if the shift is slight, like a ship changing its bearing just a few degrees, that small change will create a larger shift over time.

Readjusting Is an Ongoing Practice

We don't reset our clocks once in a lifetime. Similarly, perspective shifts aren't one-time events but ongoing practices. Our go-to viewpoints reassert themselves, old patterns return, and we need to consciously see if it's time to readjust again and again.

This isn't failure—it's being human. The practice is in noticing when we've drifted back into unhelpful perspectives and gently adjusting our compass. Each time we do this, we strengthen our ability to shift. We become more fluid, more resilient, more capable of meeting life's challenges with creativity, rather than rigidity.

Making It Personal:

Where in your life have you been holding a fixed mindset that could benefit from greater openness to growth? What slight shift could you make this week?
Think of a situation where you are harshly judging a friend, family member, or colleague's behavior. Might a shift in perspective open you to softening your judgment and feeling empathy or compassion?
Can you think of a time when shifting your perspective regarding how you viewed yourself, a situation, and/or another person created an opportunity for moving from being stuck to experiencing new possibilities? What can you learn from that?

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This episode finds Holly and Scott exploring lessons from Day of the Dead celebrations and how they can support our inidividual and family well-being. What follows here is the column they send out by email each week that is always on the same theme as the weekly podcast. You can signt up for the weekly email column HERE. What the Day of the Dead Teaches Us About Emotional and Family Wellness

While Americans are having fun celebrating Halloween this week, other countries around the world, especially in Mexico and Latin America, will be celebrating El Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Our love for Mexico is immense, as we have traveled there many times for both fun and service projects. In honor of El Día de los Muertos, we are going to share four wellness compass points we can all learn from this centuries-old tradition, which provides guidance for living with loss and strengthening family bonds.

Grief Doesn't Have an Expiration Date

Modern culture often treats grief as something we are supposed to get over—we're expected to "move on" or find "closure" within socially acceptable timeframes. Day of the Dead rituals cultivate a very different relationship with death. By creating tables in the home filled with photos, favorite foods, and cherished objects of loved ones who have passed away, families acknowledge that love doesn't end at death. Research on grief now affirms that maintaining connections with deceased loved ones is healthy and adaptive. Setting a place at the table, cooking grandmother's recipe, or simply speaking to those we've lost isn't denial—it's integration. This tradition normalizes ongoing relationships with the dead, removing the shame many feel when grief continues to be felt long after the loss.

Collective Remembering Heals Isolation

Grief can be profoundly lonely, especially in cultures where discussing death feels taboo. Day of the Dead traditions transform mourning from private suffering into communal celebration. Families and friends gather in cemeteries, not with somber silence but with music, food, and storytelling, normalizing everyone's pain while reminding us we're not alone in it. Sharing memories, laughing through tears, and sometimes resolving conflicting stories about complicated relatives can help ease the pain, as everyone is allowed to express sadness openly.

We Can Hold Joy and Sorrow Simultaneously

Perhaps the most striking aspect of El Día de los Muertos is its refusal to make grief only somber, as the day is also a fiesta of celebration. This isn't minimizing loss but rather honoring the fullness of life, including its ending. Families laugh while remembering funny quirks of the deceased, celebrate their loves and passions, and acknowledge their humanity with both fondness and honesty. It teaches that healing doesn't mean forgetting, and remembering doesn't require constant sorrow.

Rituals Provide Structure for Difficult Emotions

Grief often feels overwhelming because it's formless. Day of the Dead traditions offer concrete actions: gathering flowers, preparing specific foods, visiting the cemetery, and arranging an altar with reminders and possessions of the loved one. These rituals create containers for big emotions, making them more manageable. Creating annual traditions around remembrance gives families something to do with their love and longing, transforming passive sadness into active honoring.

As we navigate the losses in our own lives, El Día de los Muertos reminds us that the healthiest approach to loss and death isn't avoidance but integration—weaving our loved ones into our ongoing story with both tears and laughter.

Making It Personal

Have you ever felt pressure to "move on" from a loss or difficult emotion before you were ready? What would it look like to give yourself permission to grieve without a timeline?
Think of someone you've lost who still influences your life. What are the small ways you continue to honor or maintain a connection with them? How does keeping their memory alive bring you comfort or guidance?
What ritual or concrete action could you create to honor someone you've lost or to process difficult emotions? This could be cooking a special meal, visiting a meaningful place, or creating a small tradition. How might having this structure help contain and express what feels overwhelming?

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(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column. You can subscribe to the weekly column HERE.

Making the Problem the Problem, Not the Person

We've all been there: a conflict starts small—maybe it's about whose turn it is to handle the dishes or a disagreement about something important you're planning together—and suddenly you're no longer discussing the actual issue. Instead, you're blaming each other for being difficult or stubborn. The conversation has shifted from the problem itself to attacking the other person. This only leads to hurt feelings and damaged relationships, with little progress on actually resolving the challenge at hand.

Here are four "compass points" to help us all work together on challenges we are facing, rather than turning against each other.

The problem is separate from the people working on it.

When we're frustrated or stressed, it's natural to want someone to blame. Our partner didn't take out the trash again, so we label them "irresponsible." Our friend is never as punctual as we are, so we label them as "uncaring" or "absent-minded." The moment we make this shift, we've stopped being companions working toward a solution and have become opponents in a battle neither of us can win.

Focusing on the problem creates constructive solutions; blaming people creates defensiveness.

When someone feels attacked, their brain goes into protection mode—they're no longer thinking about solving the issue; they're thinking about defending themselves or counterattacking.

Consider a group of volunteers planning an event for a nonprofit. Half want a large event with a big budget, while the other half want something smaller and less expensive. They can frame this two ways: "Those people are spendthrifts who don't care about our finances" versus "Those people are tightwads too afraid to take risks." Or they could say: "The problem is that we haven't yet come up with a plan that has buy-in from all of us. Let's keep talking and find a recommendation that honors what each of us values."

Empathy helps us remember that a person's identity is separate from their thoughts and behaviors.

Well-intentioned people often disagree. That doesn't make one person "good" and the other "bad." When we remember this, everyone's dignity remains intact—no one is being labeled or attacked. This means creative problem-solving becomes possible because defensive walls come down, and relationships strengthen because you're reminded you're on the same side.

Sometimes behavior needs to be directly addressed—but still without making the person the problem.

If someone close to us has a drinking problem, for instance, we need to address that behavior directly. But we have a choice in how we approach it. Attacking them and labeling them as an alcoholic is unlikely to help. More effective would be: "We've talked many times about the impact alcohol is having on our life together, and each time it leads to a blowup. I don't like how angry we both get. How about we go together to talk to a professional to help us find a way forward?" Here, the problem is the alcohol and the conflict it creates in their life, not the person.

Making it Personal:

Are you stuck in a conflict cycle where you or others are attacking and defending rather than collaborating? How might you shift the focus back to the problem?
How does it feel when someone makes you the problem rather than addressing the issue? How might this awareness change your approach?
The next time conflict arises, commit to keeping the focus on the problem—not on labeling people.

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(Click on the player at the top to listen to this ten-minute episode)

Our Need for Different Kinds of Rest

Our Wellness Compass Initiative is a holistic approach to wellness. With that in mind, we offer four "Compass Points" that speak to multiple dimensions of rest, as well as help us become aware of our inner attitudes about the role of rest in our lives. Let's all be counter-cultural and prioritize the many kinds of rest you need for your overall well-being.

Physical Rest: It's not just about enough sleep

There are numerous studies on the connection between various diseases and chronic sleep deprivation. "I'll sleep when I'm dead" takes on a new meaning when we fool ourselves into thinking we can ignore the biological basis of needing adequate sleep. Not getting enough sleep affects our mental health and our relationships, too. Irritability is just one symptom of low sleep. Beyond sleep, we will also benefit from restorative practices that nurture our physical well-being, such as walks (when possible), stretching, and yoga. We only get one body to live in. Being sure it gets enough rest and renewal is essential to our overall well-being.

Mental Rest: Reducing Cognitive Overload

Our minds process thousands of thoughts daily, and the constant demands of decision-making, problem-solving, and listening to or scrolling through the news of the day can create excessive mental fatigue. Restorative practices for mental exhaustion can include taking a break from the news for a while, making time for meditation, spending time outdoors in nature, or listening to music. When our mind feels foggy or we struggle to concentrate, we are not being lazy—we are experiencing mental exhaustion that requires rest and renewal.

Emotional Rest: Permission to Be Authentic

Two primary causes of emotional exhaustion are caregiving for others and being constantly "on" for others, where we don't feel safe expressing our true feelings; instead, we present a facade. Emotional rest can be found when we can balance caregiving with self-care, recognizing that self-care is not selfish. Rest also comes when we have safe spaces—whether it's with trusted friends or family, or perhaps a therapist — where we can drop our masks and authentically share all our emotions.

Become Aware of Our Mindset Regarding the Importance of Rest

We live in a culture obsessed with busyness, where we are more like human doings than human beings. It hasn't always been so. Ancient cultures prioritized the importance of sabbath time. At Wellness Compass, we often discuss becoming more aware of the many compasses that guide our habits and behavior—often outside of our conscious awareness. Busyness and an over-identification with achievement and action are inner compasses that sometimes minimize or even ridicule the importance of rest. Being tired much of the time can even be seen as a badge of honor in many circles. Therefore, it is essential that we surface our own deeper attitudes about rest and recognize that in our fast-paced world, prioritizing rest and self-care may feel counter-cultural. Making this counter-cultural choice, though, is essential to our overall well-being.

Making it Personal:

As you read points 1-3, is there an area of rest that could benefit from your attention at this time?
If so, what's one thing you can do in the day or week to experience some rest in that area of wellness?
Reading point 4, are you aware of any attitudes or biases you have about the importance of rest?

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column that we email out each Friday morning. Our weekly podcast is an expansion for the column. You can sign up for the Weekly Wellness Column HERE.

Transcending the Limits of Either-Or Thinking

In our counseling practices, we often hear clients express their struggles in absolute terms. “I’m either a complete success or a total failure.” “My relationship is either perfect or it’s over.” “I’m either productive or I’m lazy.” This pattern, known as either-or thinking, can significantly impact our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. Here are four Wellness Compass points about this cognitive trap and how to move beyond it.

Either-Or Thinking Creates Unnecessary Distress

When we force ourselves, others, and situations into rigid categories, we set ourselves up for suffering. A single mistake can become evidence of complete incompetence. One disagreement with a partner can signal doom for the relationship. A rest day means we’ve lost all discipline. This binary lens intensifies anxiety and depression, creating a constant state of evaluation where we’re perpetually sorting experiences into “good” or “bad” boxes. The most significant problem with this thinking is that it creates little room for the messy, complicated middle ground where most of life actually happens.

Notice Absolute Language

We often talk with our clients about the importance of awareness and intention. The first step toward change is awareness. When we catch ourselves thinking in extremes, we can pause and ask: “What else might be true here?” A disappointing work presentation doesn’t make us incompetent; it makes us someone who had an off day and is still learning. We can be frustrated with someone we love, and still love them deeply. We can allow ourselves to remain open to learning about a key issue, and not view it as a weakness if we change our minds as we gain more knowledge and experience.

Recognize That Growth Happens in the Gray Zone

Chances are that we have all experienced a time when we made a change or decision and later changed our mind. If we are locked into either-or thinking, we might lose the flexibility to change our minds or admit that we were wrong. The “gray zone” is the space between polar opposites. The gray zone is often where we remain open to learning and growing, where we are neither wholly lost nor fully arrived. This is actually where the most meaningful growth occurs. Accepting this reality helps us remain patient and curious, rather than judgmental, during the learning process.

Embrace Paradox and “Both-And” Awareness

Life is full of contradictions, and holding multiple truths simultaneously is a sign of psychological maturity, not weakness. You can feel grateful for what you have while still wanting things to improve. You can be both anxious and hopeful, tired and committed, imperfect and amazing, confused and clear, vulnerable and strong. The goal is, of course, not to eliminate all either-or thinking but to recognize when that kind of thinking is limiting us. By expanding our perspective to include the vast spectrum between extremes, we create space for self-compassion, new insights, resilience, and a more authentic relationship with ourselves and others.

Questions for Making it Personal

Can you identify a recent time when you were caught up in either-or thinking that was limiting for you or your relationship with someone?
If you affirmatively answered question one, what steps can you take to soften that either-or thinking? What might you replace it with?
How comfortable are you with the concept of being in the gray zone—the place where you are still learning and growing? Are you willing to acknowledge when you don’t know something or when you were wrong about something?

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Compass Column which is emailed each Friday morning-the content of our column and podcast are always related. You can find our columns at: https://www.wellnesscompass.org/column

A Few Things We Can Learn From Dr. Jane Goodall

Each of our four Wellness Compass Points this week is a quote from scientist Dr. Jane Goodall, who passed away this week at the age of ninety-one. She will be remembered for many things, but probably most often for the way her scientific curiosity and her work with chimpanzees in the forests of Gombe remind us of the interconnectedness of all life. As therapists who think and practice systemically, we are especially grateful for her teachings about how all of life is an interconnected web and that every action we take in the world has a profound impact on all beings.

“The greatest danger to our future is apathy.”

“Am I really making a positive difference in the world?” is a question that any of us may ask ourselves from time to time. There is a lot that needs our attention in our personal and collective lives, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. The opposite of apathy is hope—not naive optimism, but a disciplined choice to keep showing up as a force for good in the world.

“Lasting change is a series of compromises. And compromise is all right, as long as your values don’t change.”

Too often, compromise is viewed as a sign of weakness. Remembering that we are all interconnected with all other living organisms helps us realize that compromise is always necessary to achieve the greater good. There is almost always more that unites than divides us. Note that her quote does not ask us to compromise our core values, but to hold true to them with kindness, humility, and respect. None of us possesses all the wisdom.

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

During the pandemic, we wrote about how the question wasn’t Are we contagious?” but rather “What are we contagious with?” Our emotional and spiritual energy is always contagious to those we interact with—either positively or negatively. We all make a difference —the question is, “What kind of difference do we want to make in the world?”.

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference.”

Here, Dr. Goodall reminds us always to be aware of the impact our actions and words have on ourselves and those around us. This quote brings to mind two quotes from our Wellness Compass Initiative: “The grass is greener where you water it,” and “Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.”

Three Questions for Making It Personal

Does one of these quotes particularly speak to you? If so, why, and what might you do to put the wisdom of that quote into action?
Do you struggle with apathy? If so, what’s one thing you can do to help you recover a sense of hope?
Is there a situation in your life right now where an openness to compromise might serve the greater good?

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In recognition of September being National Recovery Month, we are pleased to share four Wellness Compass Points that offer wellness wisdom for everyone, drawing on the traditions of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-Step recovery groups.

Wellness Wisdom for Everyone from the Twelve Steps: Celebrating Recovery Month

Four Wellness Compass Points & Three Questions

Whether dealing with addiction, excessive worrying, perfectionism, or any self-limiting set of behaviors, the wisdom of the Twelve Steps teaches us that some challenges cannot be solved alone. Actually, the first step towards making change is acknowledging our need for help from others and from our spirituality.
The practice of daily self-reflection and honest accountability, central to the Steps, can transform any area of life by helping us recognize harmful patterns, before they spiral, and then to celebrate progress as it happens.
Making direct amends for our mistakes reminds us that true healing comes through changed actions and the rebuilding of trust, not just good intentions or words.
The principle of service to others who face similar struggles (Step #12) reveals a fundamental truth about human nature – that we often find our deepest sense of purpose and most successful recovery when we focus on lifting up those who are facing similar challenges.

3 Questions to Make This Personal

If you or someone you know is in recovery, what broader life lessons have you learned form them or have they modeled for you?

Is there a change you want to make that would benefit from the support of others?

If so, how will you find this support?

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Emotional Flooding: Four Wellness Compass Points and Three Questions

Psychologist and author John Gottman describes emotional flooding as “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

Here are Four Compass Points to help guide us when this happens.

Everyone gets emotionally flooded from time to time, so it's essential to recognize the warning signs when this is happening to us. Pay attention to physical cues like rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or feeling hot. Notice emotional signs like racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or the urge to react, retaliate, or get even. When you catch these early signals, you can intervene before reaching full emotional overwhelm. Remember that emotional flooding is a natural response to powerful feelings, stress, or trauma—it's not a sign of weakness.
Hit the pause button. While we can't always control when our emotions take over, we do have the choice to pause rather than react. When we feel intensity building, we can stop and slow down. We don't have to immediately say what we are thinking or feeling—or send that email, or create that social media post. We can pause by taking a walk, sleeping on it, talking with others, or spending time doing whatever helps us to calm down.
Take responsibility for yourself, rather than blaming others. A classic response of a young child when they have done something they regret is, "but they did it first!" Let's be more mature than that. If someone throws a lit match at us, we are responsible for any gasoline inside of us that leads to an explosion. While someone else may have done something that triggers our emotional flooding, we are responsible for how we handle ourselves at that moment.
Saying, "I'm sorry," can be an expression of strength. Impulsive reactions while we are flooded do not come from a place of strength, and yet they happen. Apologizing and making amends when we have said or done things we regret is a sign of strength and a commitment to our ongoing emotional growth.

Making This Personal: 3 Questions

Just as a compass helps us to check our bearings and see if we are on the course we intend, these questions invite us to make these thoughts about emotional flooding personal for each of us.

Have you recently experienced emotional flooding?
If so, how satisfied are you with how you handled it?
Is there anything you learned from your recent experience, or from these four Compass Points, that you want to put into practice going forward?

Leave a comment for our podcast at www.wellnesscompass.org

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Welcome back to season five of the Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We are glad to be back with you.

Fall is a time of transitions, and we have one of our own to share with you regarding the structure of this column. Just as a compass has four points, our new format will feature four essential points of wisdom each week on a different wellness or mental health topic. We think you will find this new structure easier to remember and more practical for application in your life. What remains the same is our mission of our overall non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, now in its eighteenth year: to enhance mental health and resilience in individuals, families, schools, organizations, and communities. As always, we welcome your feedback and suggestions for future topics you would like to see addressed.

And speaking of transitions, our first column and podcast for this season offers four points for navigating transitions with greater awareness and intention. Whether you or someone else is navigating the start of school transition, or any of a myriad of other changes —such as a job change, coping with loss or a death, adjusting to a new health reality, or a change in a relationship —we hope you find these four points helpful.

Four Points for Navigating a Transition

Normalize and accept the feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty that come with transitions--our own and others. The bigger the change, the deeper the feelings, and the longer the adjustment will take. Don't rush the process of adapting to the change or loss.
Relationships can be quite tender during transitions. Resist acting out or projecting your feelings onto others when you are in the midst of change.
Small daily practices, such as morning routines, regular exercise, mindfulness/meditation, and consistent sleep schedules, can provide stability and comfort when life feels uncertain or in flux.
Seeking support from friends, family, and professionals during transitions is an expression of wisdom and strength, helping you process emotions and gain perspective.

Making It Personal:

Do any of these points speak to you regarding a transition you are navigating? If so, how might you put that into practice?

Do you know someone who is in the midst of a transition that could use your support?

And please remember to subscribe to this podcast to get updates regarding new episodes. We would also appreciate you reviews and ratings in your app, as well as helping us to grow this nonprofit podcast by sharing it with others. Thank you!

There is a weekly Wellness Compass Column that is emailed each Friday morning that corresponds with this podcast. You can sign up to receive this free weekly email at www.WellnessCompass.org

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.

ASAP: As Slow As Possible

As we prepare to transition to summer, many people look forward to two things: more time outdoors and a slower rhythm of life. If you are a regular reader/listener of our weekly column and podcast, you know we take a break from producing this content between Memorial Day and Labor Day. We do this so that we, too, can spend more time outdoors and live our lives at a slower pace.

When we recently came across several creative versions of the well-known phrase ASAP (see box above), we posted them on our refrigerator to serve as a compass for how we intend to enjoy this coming summer. All of these are a reminder to us that there is more to life than hurrying. And we have been fun creating our own versions, too.

In our fast-paced, always "on" world, hurrying is seen by some as a badge of honor. Many of us rush from task to task, conversation to conversation, rarely pausing to breathe, let alone reflect. While we may equate speed with productivity and importance, this culture of constant motion comes at a cost—one that takes a toll on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

There is an excellent quote that also appears on our refrigerator door. "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." The quote is often attributed to Lao-tzu's ancient book Tao Te Ching, or Book of the Way, but we have seen it attributed to other sources, too. No matter the source, the wisdom is a good reminder for us all as we transition to the rhythms of summer.

And let's not confuse slowness with laziness. Slowing down is an intentional choice in the midst of a culture addicted to urgency. It's one thing we can do to reclaim our wellness, our spirit, and our lives.

We invite you to consider alternatives to the familiar ASAP that might guide your rhythm this summer as we have been doing. One idea we came up with is to make this summer a time to"Allow Space And Pause," which is precisely what we will be doing with pausing our column and podcast over the coming months. And as we take a break until September, we wish you all a wonderful summer, a summer where you might…

Align Summer Aspirations Purposefully

Adjust Slowly Allowing Peace

Admire Summer’s Awesomeness Plentifully

Anchor Summer Adventures Peacefully

Appreciate Summer Abundance Playfully

Awaken Summer Adventure Passion

Activate Summer Aliveness Practices

….."And Similarly Add Phrases" to our list. In other words, feel free to play with and create your own wisdom version of ASAP.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.

Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another

about Our Mental Health

You may have heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In honor of that, we thought it would be helpful to offer two simple yet powerful ways we can all help reduce the stigma of talking about mental health.

Suggestion One: Let’s normalize talking about our emotional pain, just like we do with physical pain.

Feeling sad or anxious during a difficult time in life is as natural as feeling pain in our back or knee due to aging or injury. And yet, for many people, it’s much easier to talk about physical pain.

Do you often apologize when you break down crying when talking with someone? That might be because you internalized a message that it’s not okay to share sadness and vulnerability with others.

When we share emotional pain with others, it becomes a little easier to bear—just like we might feel relief when we talk about a physical ailment.

Suggestion Two: Let’s normalize listening when someone opens up about an emotional challenge.

When someone shares that they’re feeling down or on edge, and we respond with silence or quickly change the subject, they may end up feeling even more isolated. Instead, we can show care by staying present, asking gentle questions, and offering our full attention. Listening deeply helps others feel seen and supported.

It wasn’t that long ago that people avoided talking about cancer. The “C word” was often spoken in whispers, adding shame and loneliness to an already difficult experience. Thankfully, that has changed—talking openly about cancer is now common, and support is readily available.

This May, let’s take another step forward. Let’s all do our part to normalize open conversations about mental health—starting by talking honestly about our own experiences and by listening compassionately to others.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.

THE WISDOM OF MOMISMS

It's been a few years since we shared some of the wise advice that mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women we have all been blessed to know have shared with us throughout our lives. We call these wise, pithy sayings Momisms.

Here are a few of our favorites, and because this is a wellness column, we also share ways these words of advice apply to various aspects of well-being.

"I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving it? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.

"If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This Momism contains some great wellness insights. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important, then, to carefully observe the habits we are forming. The second insight of this Momism has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors, and it is easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually do change at some point.

"This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, any current struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of life's larger time frame.

"Take care of a goldfish, and then you can get a dog." It's important to start small when taking on any new challenge or responsibility. New habits and big goals are realized in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run your first 5K, or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major.

"I don't care what everybody else is doing; you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't mean that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.

"The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and must be cared for and nurtured to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships. This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as that is what builds and strengthens relationships.

"Please call me when you get there, so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were young, we might have rolled our eyes, thinking that our mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.

As we pause to celebrate all mothers this weekend, may we also give thanks for the wisdom they, along with other influential women in our lives, have taught us over the years.

Feel free to share your favorite Momism on our Wellness Compass Facebook Page which you find HERE.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Column which we send out by email each Friday on the same topic as our weekly podcast.

Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar

We both have mindfulness jars on our desks and use them regularly in our coaching practices. And Holly used to use hers in her previous career as a grade school teacher. They are helpful in so many situations. And you can easily make one for yourself—do a quick online search, and you will find many suggestions.

If the concept of a mindfulness jar is new to you, here's a short description. A mindfulness jar is a clear jar (like a Ball jar, for example) that is filled with water, a small amount of clear glue, and glitter. The glue is added to create enough viscosity so that when the jar is shaken, the glitter stays suspended in the liquid for a short time. Then, gradually, within a minute or so, the glitter slowly settles back to the bottom of the jar.

If you want to see one in action, watch this 90-second video demonstration by clicking https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MefB0P8ptA

We find ourselves using our mindfulness jars frequently to make some important points. Here are five of the lessons we teach.

It is normal for all of us to find our "jars" shaken up. Life has a way of doing that to us. It could be the news of the day, a harsh word from a friend, colleague, or family member, or even a curt text or email.
The jars are like our minds. When our minds are settled, we can see and think much more clearly. When our jars are shaken up, just the opposite is true. It is impossible to see, think, or act clearly. And it is best to wait until things settle.
Learning to pause and not react when our jars are jostled gives us the time and space we need to calm down. When we are calm, we can choose a much more helpful response rather than a churned-up reaction.
Learn not to judge your jar or mind when it is stirred up. It happens to everyone. Simply observe and accept it as normal and give it the space and time it needs to calm down.
The benefit of learning a few mindfulness practices (meditation, journaling, prayer practices, contemplative walking, yoga, breathing exercises, etc.) is that we will have the practiced tools on hand to calm and recenter ourselves more quickly. In fact, doing these practices proactively will help us every day be less vulnerable to getting hijacked by our emotions.

Elvis Presley may have had great success with the number-one hit "I'm All Shook Up," but for the rest of us, it's something we will rarely, if ever, profit from. We will, however, benefit from learning and accepting the signs of when we are all shook up, and then using some centering practices, maybe even a mindfulness jar, to calm ourselves down before reacting.

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What follows is the Weekly Wellness Compass Column for this week. Each podcast episode addresses the same theme as the column.

Wellness Begins with We

Passover and Easter overlap again this year, allowing us to reflect on the power of these celebrations for hundreds of millions of people worldwide. The celebrations connected to these holy days, as with the celebrations of all religious holy days, are grounded in bringing people together. While individual beliefs and practices are important, the gathering of community is primary, a practice as old as human civilization.

And it's not just true of religious celebrations. We see this same emphasis on community in all kinds of celebrations—graduations, funerals, weddings, and public holidays, to name a few. All of these various community gatherings are essential to our well-being

There is a clever way to remember the strong connection between community and well-being. Notice that the word "Wellness" begins with "We." Some have even noted that when the letter "I" in "Illness" is replaced with "We," the word becomes Wellness.

American culture has long celebrated the importance of individualism. Too often, though, this focus on a strong sense of "I" is presented as somehow separate or even in opposition to the importance of a strong "We." The fact is they are always interconnected. Healthy individuals are essential to healthy communities, and healthy communities are critical to strong individual well-being.

Many experts are writing today about a growing sense of isolation and loneliness in our culture and how this is becoming a public health issue. COVID contributed to this, but the problem began long before the pandemic. Robert Putnam was one of the first to bring this to our attention with his groundbreaking book, "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revitalization of American Community," written in 2000. Focusing on the trend of Americans who are bowling alone or just one or two others, rather than in leagues as was done in the past, he wrote that the erosion of communal life has seriously affected both public and individual health.

With this in mind, may we all remember that whatever our plans may include this week—whether it be celebrating Passover, Easter, or bowling— let's make sure to prioritize strengthening our bonds with others. Doing so will contribute to both our own well-being, and that of the people with whom we gather.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column, which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.

In-Between Times

Life is filled with clear beginnings and endings. As wonderful and/or sad as these times may be, the majority of life is filled with in-between times. These are the spaces where we are neither where we were, nor where we are going—just like spring here in Wisconsin, still cold and windy, yet sunny and the snow is gone, so it's neither fully winter nor spring. It's more of an in-between time. These in-between times can be uncertain, challenging, and even unsettling. Yet, they also hold immense potential for growth, reflection, and renewal.

In-between times take many forms. They may be the weeks between leaving one job and starting another, moving from one home to another, or the years between childhood and adulthood. These liminal spaces—where we exist between what was and what will be—are often overlooked and even undervalued because they can be difficult. However, they can be some of the most formative moments in our lives.

The world encourages us to hurry through these periods, to rush to the next milestone. But what if we embraced them instead? What if we saw these in-between moments not as obstacles or times we have to trudge through, but as essential parts of our journey?

It's natural to feel uncomfortable in these times. Most of us crave certainty, a clear direction, and tangible results. However, some of life's most profound lessons come not in the moments of achievement, but in the waiting.

Psychologist and author William Bridges describes transitions as three-stage processes: endings, neutral zones, and new beginnings. The neutral zone—the in-between time—can be where we grieve what we've left behind, wonder about what's next, and ultimately become the person ready to step into a new phase of life.

Instead of resisting these moments, we can choose to find meaning in them. Here's a few ideas of what helps:

Embrace Reflection

The in-between provides space to slow down and reflect. What lessons have you learned? What do you truly want to be moving toward? Journaling, meditation, or quiet walks can help bring clarity.

Practice Patience

It's tempting to want to rush toward the next chapter, but growth takes time. Trust that the waiting has a purpose. The caterpillar does not become a butterfly overnight—transformation happens in the cocoon.

Stay Open to Possibilities

Sometimes, the best opportunities arise in the spaces where we least expect them. An in-between time might seem like a pause, but it can also be a doorway to something better than you imagined.

Take Care of Yourself

Transitions can be draining, both emotionally and physically. Prioritize self-care, whether that means nourishing your body, leaning on a support system, or allowing yourself to rest.

If and when you find yourself in an in-between time, remember that it is not wasted time. It is a time of becoming, of preparing, of evolving. Though it may feel uncertain, remember that this time is also full of potential. The next step will reveal itself when you are ready—but for the moment, honor the space you are in.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.

Well Connected

We recently came across an extended quote from Albert Einstein that we would like to share with you today.

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty.

Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

As we reflect on the connection of Einstein’s words to wellness, the focus of this column, we are aware that a foundation of our wellness is acknowledging our deep inter-dependency with all people, and with all of creation. Certainly, the contagion of the COVID virus was a clear reminder of just how interconnected we all are.

Imagine a mobile hanging from a ceiling over a baby’s crib. If someone were to jiggle one piece of the mobile all the other pieces would also jiggle, even though you weren’t directly moving them. Why? Because they are all interconnected.

As family therapists, we often observe this when a family member faces a crisis or challenge. The person facing the challenge is clearly distressed, but soon, those who are closely connected to the person will also feel distressed. It also works the other way. When one person in a family, team, or group feels centered and joyous, that can also radiate out to those with whom they are connected.

Our deep inter-connectedness, as the intellectual icon Albert Einstein so eloquently explained, is a gift. When we remember it and nourish it regularly, not only do we benefit, but so does everyone with whom we are connected.

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Turning Over the Soil

Wisconsin is known for it many Rails to Trails bike paths. Converting former rail lines to bike trails gives a safe (and flat) way to explore the countryside on two wheels. We ride these trails regularly and were delighted to get out for our first ride of the year this week.

Wisconsin is also known for its abundant and fertile farmland. On our ride, we saw many farmers on their tractors plowing and turning over their soil as they prepared for planting season.

And because we love to think in metaphors, we both agreed that turning over the soil from time to time is a great practice in relationships, too. All relationships—couples, families, and friendships can benefit from turning over the soil to prepare for new growth.

Just as soil can become compacted, making it difficult for seeds to take root and thrive, in the same way, relationships can settle into patterns that, while familiar, may not always be healthy or life-giving. Unspoken resentments, unresolved conflicts, or simply the busyness of life can harden the ground between two people. Turning over the soil of a relationship means being willing to address these hardened areas, having open conversations, and being intentional about creating space for both honesty and vulnerability.

One way to do this is through regular check-ins. Just as a farmer regularly inspects the soil for signs of dryness or depletion, couples, friends, or family members can do the same. Are there areas of tension that need attention? Are there needs that have going unspoken or unmet? Asking these questions and listening with an open heart can help break up the hard ground and make room for renewal.

At other times, the soil of our lives and our relationships get turned over not by choice, but because some kind of storm occurs. These are scary times, and the times people most often reach out to us as therapists. But while these unbidden storms can create turmoil in the short run, they can also be opportunities for new growth.

We have a saying about relationships that captures how important they are to our wellbeing: "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships." While we are not farmers, we imagine that the same can be said about the role of preparing and tending the soil in determining the quality of crops. And it would seem that in both, turning over the soil from time to time keeps things healthy and growing.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column which is emailed every Friday morning and addresses the same topic as each week's podcast episode.

Hope Springs Eternal

Yesterday marked the first day of spring. In Wisconsin, where we live, it was more a day of hope than one of actual warmth. As we watched two determined golfers tee off on a course still dusted with snow, we couldn’t help but think of the timeless words of English poet Alexander Pope, written in 1733: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” His words capture the enduring optimism that keeps us looking ahead, whether to the promise of blooming flowers or simply a snow-free round of golf.

This same spirit of hope is evident in another beloved springtime tradition: the NCAA College Basketball Tournaments for Men and Women. March Madness is in full swing, bringing with it the excitement of one hundred thirty-six teams (sixty-eight Men’s teams and sixty-eight Women’s teams) battling for a national championship. Players and fans alike embrace the exhilarating uncertainty, filling out their brackets in the hopes of predicting the tournament’s twists and turns. Millions take part in this annual ritual, eagerly guessing the outcomes of each of the games.

The odds of completing a perfect bracket—accurately predicting every single game—are an astonishing 9.2 quintillion to one. To put that into perspective, do you know how long 9.2 quintillion seconds adds up to? 100 years? 1,000 years? The correct answer is 292 billion years! And yet, in spite of those odds, hopeful fans enter the fray, trusting their instincts, crunching statistics, and making bold predictions—or if you are like the two of us, wild guesses. But just as quickly as hope rises, reality sets in. Unexpected upsets—known as “bracket busters”—shatter expectations, leaving participants to wonder what went wrong. With each surprising outcome, we are reminded that hope, though resilient, often requires renewal.

In many ways, sports serve as a mirror for life. Just as we faithfully fill out our brackets with expectations of success, we also approach life’s adventures—new jobs, relationships, and personal goals—hoping for clear paths and predictable outcomes. But life, like basketball, is full of surprises. Our “brackets” of carefully laid plans don’t always hold up. Unexpected challenges arise, and our best predictions fall apart. Yet, just as the teams continue to play, giving their all despite the knowledge that only one will ultimately emerge victorious, we, too, carry on.

Sixty-seven of the sixty-eight teams in both tournaments will end their season with a loss. But does that stop them from playing with heart, determination, and the belief that anything is possible? Of course not. Their love of the game and the belief that hope springs eternal keep them pushing forward. And in that, we find a powerful lesson: life isn’t about perfect predictions or avoiding failure—it’s about showing up, playing with passion, and embracing each moment, regardless of the outcome.

So as we navigate both the unpredictability of March Madness and the uncertainties of life, we take inspiration from the athletes who give their all, even when the odds are against them. Let’s keep showing up, not because we can predict or control the future, but because we love participating in the journey. And because, no matter what, hope will always spring eternal.

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What follows is our weekly Wellness Compass column. This column is sent out by email each Friday, and our podcast each week addresses the same topic as the column.

Making Time for Joy

We both started music lessons a few weeks ago for instruments that are new for each of us. Holly is taking ukulesle lessons, and Scott is taking bluegrass fiddle lessons. We had been saying we were going to do this for a long time, and now that we are enjoying it so much, we wonder why we waited so long. Making time for the lessons and practicing has reminded us how much fun making music is and how much joy it is bringing us.

The semi-annual practice of having just changed our clocks has once again offered all of us an excellent opportunity to reflect on how we use our time. As we shifted our clocks forward, it reminded us to also consider other shifts we might want to make regarding our time.

Much like evaluating our finances—deciding how to spend, save, or share our money—considering how we spend our time can also be a meaningful practice. Taking a moment to assess how we are using our time need not be a negative experience; instead, it's a chance to recognize what's working well and where we might want to shift. That's what we did when we realized we wanted to spend less time doing passive activities and instead prioritize time learning to play new instruments. We shifted our attention and how we spend part of our time each day and week.

Sometimes, life can feel unacceptably busy, leaving little room for relaxation and peace. Other times, we may feel like we have an abundance of time on our hands but struggle to use it meaningfully. In either case, pausing to reflect on how we choose to spend our time can be valuable.

Instead of judging ourselves, we find that one simple question can be particularly helpful: "What is one thing that you could shift by spending more or less time doing this week, something that would bring you joy?"

Take a moment to ask yourself this question with kindness and curiosity. If an answer comes to mind, embrace it and take a step toward realigning your time with what truly matters to you. For us, that means making more time for the fun of music in our lives. What might it be for you?

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What follows are the words from our Wellness Compass Weekly column. This free column is sent to email subscribers each Friday morning and addresses the same topic as our weekly podcast.

Are We There Yet?

Everyone who has traveled on a long-distance road trip with children will get the same question at some point, as a tired voice from the backseat asks, "Are we there yet?"

We live in Wisconsin and are known to ask similar questions related to the coming of spring. One day the sun is out and gradually melts all the snow left on the ground. A few days later, the temperatures drop twenty-five degrees, and a fresh arrival of new snow comes down, covering the ground again. When it comes to spring, we become impatient and want to know, "Are we there yet?

We just concluded another round of Wellness Circles online. Wellness Circles are our core six-week small group program that we created many years ago to bring people together to identify an area of wellness they want to enhance, and then support one another in making the desired changes that have been identified.

A few of the kinds of things people want to work in a wellness circle include:

I want to reconnect with my child as we haven't been getting along.

I want to find a new job.

I want to be more physically active.

I want to have a difficult conversation that I have been avoiding with someone close to me.

I want to create a better work/life balance.

Inevitably, about halfway through the six-week Wellness Circle, participants commonly become impatient with the progress they are making. Like the children on the road trip, and with the weather here in Wisconsin, we want to know, "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking soooooo long?!"

Change always takes longer than we wish. We get tired of waiting and quickly become impatient. And change, like the weather, is not a linear process.

No matter what our intentions are, we always learn in a Wellness Circle that it is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves grace. If we are not careful, we can turn our impatience in on ourselves or direct it out toward others. Wellness Circle participants often discover how much easier it is to extend compassion and patience to others than to themselves.

We were sharing our idea for this column with a friend, and she told us that whenever she and her brother would ask her parents the road trip question, "Are we there yet?" her parents would offer this response: "No, we are not there yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." She said that as a child, that answer always frustrated her, but now, as an adult, she has come to realize that this is the best answer of all—for children and any of us who are becoming impatient with change.

So, remember when you or someone else asks, "Are we there yet? or, "When will we get there?"--you can simply respond, "No, not yet, but we will surely get there when we get there."

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What follows is the weekly column called the Wellness Compass that addreses the same topic each week as our weekly podcast.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Human beings are natural storytellers. This weekend, the Oscars will celebrate the gifted storytellers who have shared their stories through film this year. This column is about wellness, not movie reviews (although we both loved A Complete Unknown), so we would like to reflect on storytelling from a mental health perspective.

Have you ever found yourself convinced that someone was upset with you, only to later find out that they weren’t? Or maybe you assumed that a situation would go terribly wrong, only for it to turn out just fine? These are examples of the stories we make up in our heads—stories that shape our emotions, decisions, and even our reality, even when they aren’t actually true.

Our minds are meaning-making machines. This is especially true when we are dealing with uncertainty. That’s when we are more likely to try to fill in the blanks, creating explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. The problem is that these explanations—the stories we create—are sometimes based on assumptions, past experiences, or fears rather than actual facts.

For example, a friend doesn’t text us back right away, so we create a story that they are upset with us. We receive an email and ascribe a tone to it that we actually don’t know is accurate or not. A friend or loved one is late to meet us for coffee and we create the assumption they don’t really want to spend time with us. A colleague is distracted when talking with us, and we assume they are not interested in what we are saying.

The problem with creating stories that are not true is that we often start acting as if they are true. If we assume someone is angry with us, we may begin to act defensive, distant, or even resentful. In response, they may become confused or frustrated, reinforcing our belief that they are, in fact, upset. This is how our made-up stories can actually become self-fulfilling prophecies.

When I, Holly, was a high school teacher, I often heard students say, they would never be good at a certain subject. This sometimes caused them to not even try, which then re-enforced their beliefs.

I, Scott, was recently talking with a colleague who was yawning constantly. At one point I simply asked, “Is what I’m saying boring you?” They immediately apologized and said that they had been up most of the previous night with their sick child. If I hadn’t checked out my assumption, I might have concluded that I needed to think twice about sharing my thoughts with this person.

The stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, relationships, and overall wellbeing. The key is to first become more aware of them and reflect on whether they are actually true or not. It is always best to check out our assumptions.

So next time you catch yourself creating an internal storyline, pause, take a breath, and ask: Is this really true? Then, you might take the additional step of checking out any assumptions you are making. You might not get public recognition like the stars at the Oscars for doing this, but you will surely strengthen your relationships with others.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.

Just Bring Yourself

Recently, someone invited us to dinner and, when we asked what we could bring, they replied, "Just bring yourself." That simple phrase stuck with us, not only because of its graciousness but also because of the deeper wisdom it holds.

In a world that often pressures us to do more, be more, and prove our worth through our achievements or contributions, it is nice to be reminded that our presence alone is enough. "Just bring yourself" is an invitation to show up authentically, without pretense, without the need to impress or perform. It’s a reminder that who we are, at our core, is valuable and welcomed.

Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in any relationship. When we show up as our true selves—vulnerabilities and all—we create deeper connections and invite others to do the same. Healthy relationships are built not on perfection but on presence. When we are real with one another, we cultivate trust and intimacy, creating spaces where we and others can feel seen and accepted.

Too often, we hesitate to show up fully as ourselves out of fear that we are not enough. We may feel pressure to hide our insecurities, or to present a polished version of our lives. But true connections happen not from what we do or bring, but from simply being who we are and allowing others to do the same.

In our work as marriage and family therapists, we have seen how transformational it can be when people allow themselves to be fully present. Whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a community, relationships thrive when we show up with honesty and openness rather than trying to curate a perfect image. We are all so much more than the images we see or even share on social media.

Likewise, when we offer this same kind of acceptance to others—welcoming them just as they are—we create a ripple effect of kindness and belonging. This kind of radical hospitality affirms that each person is enough, just as they are, without conditions or expectations.

Next time you receive an invitation—whether to a dinner, a conversation, or a new opportunity—remember that the most meaningful thing you can bring is yourself. You are enough. Just bring yourself.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.

Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day

This Tuesday, I, Holly, had the privilege of spending my day in a combined Middle and High School (Turner MS/HS in Beloit, WI) for their annual Mental Health Awareness Day. During this Valentine’s week, everyone school-wide had set the day aside to focus on supporting student mental health by engaging in several different relaxing activities, engaging in group discussions on related topics, listening to speakers, and getting acquainted with all kinds of resources and organizations that work to support mental health in their area, Rock County, WI. I was one of those people as I was there to represent our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative.

Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with most of those young people (ages 12 -18) and had the honor of listening to their concerns and desires, and meeting their friends. I also told them about this column and the corresponding Wellness Compass podcast. As a bit of research for our column, I asked them this important question: “What kinds of things would you like me to tell the adults who listen to our podcast about what they can do to support teen mental health?”

Here are some of their answers:

Don’t be so judgmental.

Share stories of the mistakes you made when you were young.

Consider how you sound to others. Bossy? Controlling?

Freaking Out? Supportive?

Don’t force things on us, like clubs, activities, and beliefs. Feel free to share your beliefs, but don’t force them on us.

Laugh and have fun with us.

Don’t say it’s just a phase. It is important to us now.

Encourage us.

You can say what you need to say without being mean about it.

Check in with us on a regular basis by asking “Are you OK?” And then really listen to what we are feeling.

Do things with us, like playing sports, hiking, and playing video games.

Honor our thoughts and opinions.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

Give us hugs.

Don’t make decisions for us.

Take interest in our interests.

Talk with us, not at us - fewer lectures and more listening, please.

As they spoke, I realized that what they were sharing with me could be applied to any relationships that we value and care about. So on Tuesday, out of the mouths of our young people came their suggestions for staying connected and supporting the mental health of all those we love. How appropriate for right before Valentine’s Day.

Their honest words are a good reminder for each of us as we consider how to express our love to all the important people in our lives this Valentine’s Day.

Which of their suggestions could you give as a gift to someone on this special day?

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.

Rooting for Ourselves

There is so much in the world that needs our love and attention. It is easy to become overwhelmed. No one has enough time or energy to root for or get involved in all the good causes that need our attention and support. So it may be counterintuitive to advocate rooting for one additional thing on top of all the other pulls we may be feeling, but we need to add one more person to our list to root for--and that's ourselves.

We are thinking of two different meanings of rooting. First, we need to be advocates for ourselves. We need to tame the inner critic and be the number one cheerleader and encourager of ourselves. Second, we need to be like trees and cultivate deep inner roots to anchor us when the storms of challenging times come.

Rooting for ourselves is an essential act of self-care, self-love, and personal growth. It is about standing in our own corner, believing in our own worth, and nurturing our own well-being. If a tree wants to grow more branches of support it must also expand its root system to sustain its growth.

You know best what helps you feel encouraged—what fills your cup so you have something to pour from. You also know what drains your cup—perhaps it's how you speak to yourself, how busy you are, how much movement you get, and how much rest you get.

You also know what helps nurture your spiritual roots- what grounds you in challenging times. It might include meditation, time in nature, prayer, a deeper connection with a spiritual community, spiritual reading, or taking sabbath time to rest.

The goal of self-care is not to become self-centered. The goal is to become a centered self. When we take the time to nurture our own growth and are more centered, we show up more fully in our relationships, our work, and our communities.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column on this same topic. The column is sent out every Friday morning by email.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can’t think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it’s called emotional flooding—it’s when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day.

As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur.

Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it’s hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time.

When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible “pit in our stomach,” racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety.

Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment. Rather than blaming someone else and “flying off the handle” (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship. When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a “time out” for ourselves. This is an example of the parenting strategy of “counting to ten” when they are feeling angry with a child. When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help.

Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths.
Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example.
Using “I” statements rather than accusing. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly,” is far more helpful than “You are the one that is making me act this way right now.

Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships.

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What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that Holly and Scott write each week as a companion to this podcast.

Three Rs for Growing Resilience

Resilience is the capacity to respond to and recover from stressful events. Research on resilience has revealed that it is not simply something we have or don’t have. What has been discovered is that several key factors—including the choices we can make and habits we can nurture—determine our capacity to be resilient.

In our work as therapists and in our personal lives, we have found that three “Rs” are key to strengthening our resilience muscles.

Relationships: Reaching out for support is key to resilience. If we are not careful, when we feel vulnerable, we may isolate or lash out at others when it would be our advantage to do the opposite. We need to ask for the help and support we need. The myth of the rugged individual who conquers all adversity by themselves is just that…a myth. Of course, nurturing relationships is essential for all aspects of our wellbeing at all times, not just when we are facing a challenge or setback. Sometimes, we are the ones helping friends and family through a hard time, and other times, we are the ones receiving that help and support.

Rest: Healing and recovery always take longer than we wish. Patience is a virtue; it is also a key to resilience. When you experience a loss or a stressful event of any kind, give yourself time to heal. A sprained ankle only recovers when we provide it with rest—not by ignoring it and continuing to walk on it, trying to pretend that everything is okay. Rest is equally essential when our spirit or our emotions are sprained. Give yourself the gift of slowing down.

Reflection: How we think about a stressful event or challenge and the thought frame we put around it will either enhance or limit our resilience. A thought frame of “Bad things sometimes happen to good people like me, but I know that I can do hard things,” is empowering. A thought frame of, “I must deserve this because bad things always happen to me, and life isn’t fair, and I’m never going to recover from this,” will likely keep us stuck. Research has shown that our spiritual beliefs and worldviews play a crucial role in resilience. If we struggle with negative thought frames, we do not need to judge ourselves; instead, we can try to observe it within ourselves and remember that it is only a thought, not a fact. We might benefit from reaching out for professional support from a therapist or spiritual guide to help us if we find ourselves stuck in this type of thinking.

Loss, challenges, and stressful events are inevitable. Bad things do, in fact, happen to good people. Resilience, however, is not inevitable; instead, it is enhanced by the choices we make.

Focusing today on relationships, rest, and reflection is a good start to strengthening our capacity for resilience, to help us face the struggles in front of us now, and to help prepare us for the inevitable challenges of life.

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What follows is the Wellness Compass Weekly Column--a companion column to this podcast.

Relationship Hydration

While the topic of New Year’s resolutions is complicated, and it’s often difficult to know where to start, we have one very simple suggestion—a small resolution that is almost 100% guaranteed to succeed, and that will benefit not only yourself but also those around you as well.

Choose one relationship that is important to you. Make it a priority to nurture that relationship with positive thoughts, positive words, and positive actions. Offer encouragement, praise, and gratitude. Water the other person’s self-esteem. Put some air in their tires. Tell them how important they are to you. Prioritize spending time with them. If you do this regularly, you will undoubtedly see a growth in positivity and connection in that relationship.

A friend shared with us this week that their resolution for the new year after having learned from their doctor that they were chronically dehydrated was to drink more water. The doctor explained that a simple act of drinking more water would have enormous health benefits and would actually make them feel more perky and energetic as well. Thinking in analogies, as we tend to do, we thought of how relationships can also be energized or perked up when we give them more attention or “water them.” All living things need water to grow and flourish, and relationships are certainly living things, growing or wilting, depending on their environment.

Don’t just take our word for it. Try watering a relationship and see if it makes a difference. We are confident it will and that everyone involved will appreciate the difference your efforts will make.

In our Wellness Compass podcast, a companion offering to this column, we discuss some specific things we can do to rehydrate a relationship.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

The holiday season is a season of lights. As we approach the darkest day of the year, it’s good to remember that lights symbolize hope, a symbol central to both Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations, along with many other traditions.

Have you ever noticed that when a tragic event occurs in a community, one of the most common responses is to host a candlelight vigil? This a place where people come together to find strength in each other, and in the small, simple act of lighting each other’s candles.

And have you ever stopped to think that when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your light? If you have ten dollars and give five to a friend, monetarily you have half of what you had at the beginning. On the other hand, we can share the light of a candle with countless others, and still, our light burns brightly just the same.

As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, our hope is that we can all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter.

Wishing you all wonderful light-filled holidays, we close with words from Mary Oliver, a favorite poet of ours:

"But I also say this:

that light is an invitation to happiness,

and that happiness, when it's done right,

is a kind of holiness,

palpable and redemptive."

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What follows is the week Wellness Compass column we send out each Friday morning. This podcast episode expands on this same topic.

Meeting Someone We Already Know for the First Time This Holiday Season

Thank you to the reader that wrote us in response to last week’s column: “I like the idea of focusing on presence over presents this time of year. Can you give me a suggestion on how to do that?”

We would be happy to! And so here’s one idea.

Our families can be both our greatest source of love and joy and yet, sometimes, our greatest source of frustration and worry. It seems that there is no time when this is more apparent than during the holiday season. Both our joys and our concerns where family members is concerned may be magnified as we find ourselves interacting with people we seldom see.

There is a principle that speaks of developing a 'beginner's mind' when approaching one's everyday life, including our relationships. A beginner's mind is characterized by openness, being free from preconceived ideas, and being eager to learn something new from whatever and whomever one encounters. It is said that with a beginner's mind there are endless possibilities and that by contrast, with an expert's mind there are very few. A beginner’s mind is humble, curious, and open to whatever is to be.

What would it mean to move through the rest of this holiday season with a beginner's mind? One possible way to think about this is to realize that while we have experienced many previous holiday seasons with our families, we have never experienced this holiday season. As much as we may have traditions that we honor, each year is, by definition, unique. A beginner's mind remains open to experiencing the particularity of this holiday season in order to discover the unique joys that it might hold.

Cultivating a beginner's mind is perhaps more difficult when it comes to the relationships we have with people we know well. It is easy to get stuck in thinking that we already know, for example, exactly Uncle Bob or Cousin Latoya is going to talk about again this year at the holiday gathering. Approaching people we know well with a beginner's mind means that we commit to practicing wonder and openness and learning more about who they are, and come up to each person as if we are meeting them for the first time.

When we meet someone for the first time we have no choice but to practice a beginner's mind. It is easy and natural to practice wonder and curiosity as we get to know someone new. What if we used this same mindset into our interactions with everyone we spend time with over the next few weeks?

The saying “you can’t step in the same river twice” could be adapted to remind us that “you can’t talk to the same person twice.” Just like the river, the person you are talking to in the present moment is not the same person they were a year ago, or even a month ago—and for that matter, neither are you.

There are many ways we can focus on presence, and not just presents, this holiday season. How we do so is not important, but that we do so, is one way to find more meaning in the holidays this year.

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What follows is this week's Weekly Wellness Compass Column, a column that each week focuses on the same topic as the Wellness Compass Podcast.

Navigating the Holidays with Peace and Purpose

No one likes to encounter turbulence while flying. However, two things can significantly reduce our anxiety in those bumpy moments: forewarning and preparation.

When the captain announces ahead of time, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're expecting some turbulence during the flight so please fasten your seat belts," it shifts the experience. When the turbulence does happen, we feel reassured, knowing the captain anticipated it and is in control. Compare this to a flight where there's no warning, and the turbulence catches everyone off guard. Suddenly, the captain comes on the loudspeaker, urgently telling passengers to sit down and buckle up. The lack of preparation creates unnecessary stress.

With this metaphor in mind, consider this is your captain's announcement as we begin our journey through the holiday season: “There will likely be turbulence ahead”.

Navigating the joys and stresses of the holidays can be challenging. In fact, a recent mental health study found that 68% of people experience high levels of stress and worry during this time of year. As therapists, this is our busiest time of year.

Let's normalize that the holidays can be a vulnerable time of year. All of our emotions are magnified—our joys and our sorrows. Grief is common as we miss people who are not with us this year for any number of reasons. Financial pressures intensify this time of year as well. The pressure to overindulge in food, alcohol, as well as activities is substantial. And it's easy to compare our "insides" to everyone else's "outsides," thinking that we are the only ones not having the "perfect" holiday season—whatever that may be.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate the holidays with more peace and purpose and reduce the possible emotional turbulence you may experience during the holidays:

Focus on the meaning of the season.

Shift your attention to the spiritual and core values that resonate with you. Resist the commercialism that often leaves us feeling like we're not enough.

Prioritize presence over presents.

Find shared meaning with a supportive community. Connect or reconnect with friends and family. Volunteer your time to an organization needing extra help during the holidays. Send a gratitude message to someone. Presence actually means more in the long run than presents.

Honor all your emotions.

The holidays don't have to be the "happiest time of the year" if that's not what you're feeling. Let yourself experience your emotions—joy, sadness, nostalgia, stress, or even ambivalence—without judgment. All are ok and expected.

Practice self-care.

Make intentional decisions about rest, movement, spending, eating, and drinking. Setting healthy boundaries and listening to your own needs will protect your energy so that you have more of it to share.

Making a plan right now about how we will navigate the holidays will help us stay centered (and prepare for possible turbulence) this time of year, one that is filled with both joy and vulnerability.

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What follows is the Wellness Compass Weekly column that is emailed every Friday. The podcast deepens the subject matter from the column. Learn more at www.WellnessCompass.org

As Thanksgiving approaches, it feels only natural to turn our attention to gratitude—a cornerstone of this season. Let’s take a moment to reflect on three simple but powerful words: find, remind, and bind.

Find: Seek out fresh reasons to be grateful for the people in your life—family, friends, colleagues, and even those fleeting encounters with strangers. There’s always something new to discover when we open our hearts to appreciation.

Remind: Once you uncover those moments of gratitude, don’t let them go unspoken. As William Arthur Ward wisely said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Remind others of how much they mean to you—not just for what they do, but for who they are. A kind word, a heartfelt note, or even a simple smile can make all the difference.

Bind: Gratitude isn’t just a feeling; it’s a force that strengthens the bonds between us. In a world woven together by interdependence, every act of appreciation reinforces the connections that hold us together.

So, as you navigate this season of thanks, keep these three words close to your heart: Find. Remind. Bind. They’re a gentle reminder that gratitude, when shared, has the power to uplift us all.

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What follows is our Weekly Wellness Compass column that is a companion to this podcast. It is sent out every Friday by email. You can subscribe at our website: www.WellnessCompass.org

Strengthening and Stretching Our Gratitude Muscles

We recently watched a video by a fitness trainer who repeated the phrase “use it or lose it” several times. She was talking about how if we don’t regularly use and stretch our muscles, they will gradually lose their strength and flexibility. In this month of November, when we commonly focus on giving thanks, we thought that was a good metaphor and got us to thinking.

It’s essential to exercise and stretch our gratitude muscles on a regular basis as well. If we don’t regularly practice gratitude, we can easily become a bit weak and stiff in this area of wellbeing and fail to notice the wonderful things happening around us.

Research has even shown that gratitude practices positively affect several of the areas included in our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing: Emotions, Relationships, Spirituality, Resilience, and Physical health.

Gratitude practices can include simple things such as keeping a gratitude journal, making an intention to express gratitude to at least one person every day, sending a gratitude letter, email, or text to a friend, making a gratitude phone call, or creating a jar of gratitudes on slips of paper with the slips being pulled out and read from time to time. Sharing these expressions or gratitude can be a fun family or friend activity, as it brings awareness to all that we are grateful for and helps create a mindset of gratitude for the gathering.

We have found it especially powerful to express gratitude to others that is separate from something they may have done for us, but instead focusing more on who they are as a person. An example might be “I don’t think I have told you recently, how grateful I am to have you as a friend/partner/sibling/child/parent…” which has the power to make such a difference for the person hearing those words.

Strengthening our gratitude muscles means expressing thanks to others more often. Stretching our gratitude muscles means extending our expressions of gratitude to people we may not be in the habit of appreciating.

Holly, for example, recently facilitated a workshop for some school counselors and made it a point to begin with these words: “Before I get into the topic of this workshop, I just want to take a few moments to tell each of you how grateful I am for what you do every day. You give your heart and soul to your students, and you absorb an incredible amount of stress and suffering every day. Our world is a better place because of you and what you do.” Several counselors teared up and deeply thanked her when the workshop was over, thanking her for simply remembering the important work they do every day.

If you have ever worked with a fitness trainer, you know that they often give you a specific goal to strive for, so we would like to do the same.

Try committing to expressing gratitude to at least one person daily for the remainder of November. Or maybe even two or three people each day. And stretch yourself to see how many new opportunities you can discover to express gratitude. Not only will the people you are offering appreciation to feel good, but your own wellbeing will be enhanced as well.

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What follows is the Wellness Compass weekly column that is emailed every Friday morning. The topic of the column and the podcast are always related.

Love Is Greater than Fear

We love to spend time in the wilderness, as we love the quiet and spiritual nourishment we receive by being in nature.

Several years ago, we were canoeing in Quetico Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada, a remote park accessible only by canoe. We remember well an experience we had one stormy day. Having awoken early, we were deciding whether it was safe to spend the day on the water, as the sky was dark. Holly thought we should stay where we were on shore rather than brave it. Scott thought it made sense to take off and try to get to the next lake, a mile away, before the storm arrived, as we had to do it soon to meet our outfitter on schedule. After a brief discussion and with no cell service to check the weather, we decided to take off, hoping for the best. We loaded the canoe with all our packs and took off across the very large lake.

A half-hour later, we were in the middle of the lake, and a strong thunderstorm suddenly arose. We were at least fifteen minutes from the closest shore when Scott noticed that the storm had come up behind us. The sky became increasingly dark in the next few minutes, the wind whipped around us, and the temperature dropped. Soon, there was lightning in the distance, and we both knew the last place we wanted to be at that moment was sitting in a canoe in the middle of that large body of water. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed with fear.

So what did we do? We did what any two people would do in such a situation. We began to argue right there in the middle of the lake! The argument started when Holly raised her voice over the wind, yelling, "I told you there was a chance of a storm and that we shouldn't have come out here today!" Soon the shouting went back and forth, with Scott asking and directing, "Why aren't you paddling harder?" "Don't paddle on the left, paddle on the right!" And then we began to frantically debate about which point of land to head towards.

After a few minutes of futile arguing, we agreed to stop talking and focus instead on safely getting to the nearest shore. Fortunately, a while later, when we were safe on shore and calmed down, we realized we had not really been mad at each other. Instead, the approaching storm had scared us both so much that we had begun to turn against each other in our fear. The storm was the "problem," and yet, in the midst of our anxiety, we had temporarily perceived each other as the "problem."

We have had the opportunity to lead many family and parent classes and retreats over the years, and we often share this story. Frequently, it is one of the things people say they remember most from our time together. They have often shared with us later that it was so helpful to realize that when they were in conflict and turning against each other that the real issue was usually not either person but the complex problem they were facing. When they realized this, they could choose to work together to face the situation as a team rather than continue to blame one another.

We close with the quote from Aldous Huxley in the photo above, which nicely summarizes what we have written.

"Love casts our fear:

but conversely fear casts out love.

And not only love.

Fear also casts out intelligence,

casts out goodness,

casts out all thought of beauty and truth."

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What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we send out every Friday that focuses on the same topic as our weekly podcast episodes. You can sign up for the column at www.WellnessCompass.org

Don’t Ghost Your Feelings!

We met with a group of school counselors recently, and the words on the T-shirts caught our attention: “Don’t Ghost Your Feelings. Instead, Share Them with Others.” October is National Depression Awareness Month, and with Halloween taking place in October, they had found a fun way to communicate an important message to their students.

The word “ghosting” became popular a decade ago and even entered the Webster dictionary in 2017. It originated as a term in the online dating world to describe a person who suddenly ends all communication with someone with whom they had been talking. They no longer respond to texts, emails, or calls, having given no explanation for their becoming like “ghosts” and completely disappearing. People willing to talk about why they ghosted someone have usually stated that they were too uncomfortable communicating openly and honestly with others, so they found it easier to ignore the topic or the person completely.

The term ghosting has been expanded to include completely ignoring or avoiding an uncomfortable topic. So, for example, we sometimes hear comments like, “Whenever I say I want to talk about our finances, you ghost me.” This means the person who doesn’t want to talk about finances isn’t being argumentative —they are just disappearing, pretending like they didn’t even hear the other person.

Returning to the school counselors’ T-shirts, ghosting one’s feelings means acting like they don’t exist. Instead of ghosting, the school counselors regularly teach how to become comfortable with the full range of emotions so that students can become more skilled at both feeling and expressing what they are feeling. They are encouraging them to do so even when doing so makes them feel quite vulnerable.

The wise wisdom offered by the school counselors is good advice for all of us. Halloween may be over, but the wisdom of not ghosting our feelings remains relevant all year.

Trick or treat? Ghosting our emotions can be a trick we play on ourselves and others. Becoming more comfortable expressing our feelings, on the other hand, is a treat we can give ourselves and our relationships.

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What follows is the weekly Wellness Compass Column we write, which a companion to this podcast. The podcast and the column always address the same topic, but each contains unique content.

The Power of Humor Is In How We Use It

Last week, we had the honor of presenting our Wellness Compass resources at the annual Wisconsin Mental Health and Recovery Conference. A thousand providers from around the Midwest were in attendance, and it was truly an inspiring experience to meet so many people on the front lines every day helping to relieve suffering and, in so doing, making the world a better place.

One of the keynote speakers for the conference was Tom Farley. Tom is the older brother of Chris Farley, the famous comedian who died tragically of a drug overdose in 1997 at the age of 33.

Tom shared with us that, like his brother Chris, he has also struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. Now in recovery, for many years, Tom is now a motivational speaker who tells his story at conferences and high schools around the country of getting in touch with his emotions as part of his recovery.

Tom, following the tradition of his family, is quite funny. He said he learned how to be witty from his earliest days of growing up in his family. He explained that their family had one tool in its emotional toolbox and that was the tool of humor. No matter the issue of the day for their family, be it a disappointment in someone’s sporting endeavor, an argument with a friend, or a struggle in academics, they always found a way to joke about it. He went on to say that as he started his journey in recovery, he had to learn something he did not know from his childhood, and that was how to identify and express all of his emotions.

His ongoing growth has been to integrate his humor with his capacity to be serious and real. Unlike his childhood, when humor was used to mask and hide more complicated emotions, he is now comfortable with the full range of emotions, from the very serious to the very funny.

His talk resonated with what we also teach regarding our emotional and relational wellbeing. The capacity to feel and express the full range of emotions is foundational for emotional and relational health. Humor, when used creatively and with loving intention, helps us all. But when used to mask our feelings, or when our intent is to be hurtful or cutting of ourselves or another, humor can create a divide between us and others we care about, and diminish everyone’s wellbeing.

We invite you to reflect on how you use humor in your life and your relationships. Perhaps you might become aware that you would like more of the positive experience of humor. Maybe you might become aware of how you sometimes use humor that is not so helpful in your relationships.

As always, we love hearing from you. You can email us at

connect@wellnesscompass.org, or through our Wellness Compass Facebook page.

You can subscribe to the free weekly email column at www.wellnesscompass.org

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What follows is the weekly column that Wellness Compass sends out each week. The column is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can subsribe to our column at our WellnessCompass.org website.

Are You Seeking Comfort or Solutions?

This week, we have a simple yet very effective tip regarding communication in our relationships.

When a person is talking to you about something that is upsetting them, discern within yourself whether they are seeking comfort or solutions. Typically, the more emotionally upset they are, the more they are seeking and needing comfort. If you are not sure, the best thing to do is ask. While this sounds simple, it is often difficult to remember to put into practice.

When we offer advice or try to fix a problem that another person is having, and that is not what they are seeking, such advice will almost always result in further hurt and anger, as they are probably emotionally flooded. The "helper" often tries to recover by saying, "I was just trying to help," and may now feel hurt and angry as well. If their intention to help had been guided by the question, "Are they seeking comfort or solutions?" they likely would have fared better.

In general, we will never regret offering comforting responses, such as, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I see why you are so upset," "I've got your back," or "I am here for you any time you need to talk." If we start with offering comfort, and then the person wants advice at some point, they will more likely feel safe asking for it. If, on the other hand, we begin by providing solutions, we may not ever get the chance to truly offer comfort as the person may now be even more upset.

The "fix-it" response may seem wise as we may think we know exactly what the person needs to do-- and after all, isn't that the best thing we can offer? No, it's not—not if the person isn't wanting advice.

We can also apply this wisdom of asking for comfort rather than solutions to guide our talking with others when we are upset. Rather than merely hoping and assuming that the other person knows what we need, it's good practice actually to let them know. "I have something I need to talk about right now, and just to be clear, I am not looking for advice or solutions. I simply need someone to listen to my feelings and frustration right now," might be a good way to start.

Making it Personal: As you go through your weeks, watch for opportunities to practice deciding if you or another needs comfort or solutions in times of stress, and let us know how it goes.

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What follows is the column that accompanies this podcast each week. You can find both also at www.wellnesscompass.org.

Listening to Understand Rather Than to Respond

Last week, we shared some advice on how to begin unraveling and hopefully resolving conflict in a relationship. This week, we would like to add one more tip. And while this tip is simple to understand, it can be challenging to practice.

One of the most important gifts we can offer in any relationship is the gift of deep and authentic listening. This is best described as listening to understand, rather than to respond.

Our good listening skills are easy to practice when a relationship is going well. However, listening often deteriorates in a relationship when there is unresolved conflict. So, the first step we can take to begin to heal the conflict is to listen and sincerely attempt to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling.

As therapists, we have seen the effectiveness of this approach in conflict resolution. When we work with people in conflict, helping them to de-escalate enough to actually be able to listen to what the other is experiencing is always the first step we take. We remind people that listening is not agreement, but is instead an attempt to understand what it is truly like to stand in the other person’s shoes.

This is not easy, and we usually find that the first attempts at this kind of listening are often interrupted by a need to respond and “correct” the other person. As we mentioned above, the concept of listening to understand rather than respond is simple to understand, but is much more challenging to practice.

Most of us think of ourselves as good listeners. And hopefully, that is true much of the time. Most of us struggle to maintain good listening skills, however, when we strongly disagree with another person. With practice and commitment, we can increase our ability to listen to truly understand, thus strengthening our relationships.

Making It Personal: Is there a specific relationship with which you would like to practice “listening to understand, rather than to respond” this week?

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What follows is the weekly column that is a companion to this weekly podcast. The topics are the same, but sometimes the contenct varies.

Choose Being Kind Over Being Right

We are grateful for the many relationship questions our column readers and podcast listeners have sent us recently. A common theme to the challenges people are sharing is that the persons with whom they are in conflict refuse to change and almost always refuse to listen. This is how it seems from their perspective. Most attempts at communication quickly escalate to the point where both people feel wronged and are hurting. And sometimes, that impasse becomes so frustrating that all communication has ended.

While every relationship is unique, here are three guidelines we have found helpful in de-escalating conflict. This will be a two-part column and podcast and so we will have additional ideas to share next week.

Let go of the need to be right. No matter how sure you are that you are correct (and therefore, the other person is wrong), continuing to argue in this way will only escalate the conflict and build up thicker walls between you. Even if you are not saying it directly, an attitude of self-righteousness will prevent progress from being possible. As the words above say, "When choosing between being right or being kind, choose being kind, and you will always be right."
Refrain from making the other person the problem. Refrain from prosecuting your case as to how or why the other person is the problem and, therefore, needs to change. It's likely that neither person is solely the problem. In fact, neither person may be the problem, but finances, stress, or a misunderstanding, for instance, are the real problems. This is similar to the first point. Trying to win a debate may be helpful in politics, but not our relationships.
Because we each participate in co-creating relationship patterns, we want to ensure we take responsibility for our part of the conflict.

"I feel like I have just stopped listening to you about this issue and instead want to focus on everything I think you are doing wrong. I can feel how defensive and argumentative I have become.

I'm sorry and want to change that."

When we admit this kind of truth about ourselves and say it to the other, it can help begin a time of healing. And we must say it without expecting the other to say something similar in response. Just as when one person hardens, the other person will also tend to stiffen. So, too, when one person begins to soften, that tends to make room for the other person to soften.

Remember that it takes time, sometimes years, for relationships to become stuck, so any real change will also take time. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

Making It Personal: Choose one of the three guidelines above and consider how you might practice it in a relationship this week.

Thanks again for sharing your relationship questions with us. Your engagement is what makes our column and podcast meaningful. We appreciate your care and commitment to the relationships in your lives, and we're grateful to be on this journey with you.

Next week, we will share additional guidelines in part 2 of this column/podcast. We invite you to share any guidelines you have found to be effective by emailing us at connect@wellnesscompass.org

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What follows is the companion weekly column to this podcast, that explores this same topic.

That's a Great Question!

As teachers worldwide establish classroom norms this time of year, it is common to remind students , "There are no bad or wrong questions." The intention of this is to normalize and encourage the asking of questions because, as teachers often add, "If one student has a particular question, there is a good chance that another student is wondering about the same thing."

When it comes to relationships, we also say that there are no bad or wrong questions. We do, however, believe that there are some kinds of questions that rise to the level of being great questions, ones that can enhance the vitality of any relationship.

So….what constitutes a great question? Here are a few of our thoughts—and as always, we'd love to hear yours.

A great question …

*…is open-ended.

A closed question can be answered with "yes" or "no." "Did you have a good day?" is an example of a closed question. An open-ended question, however, like "What were a few high and low points of your day today?" opens up space for a more expansive answer and greater connection.

*…explores new territory, allowing individuals to get to know each other better.

"How did your family celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?"

"If you could meet any historical figure and have dinner with them, who would it be and why?"

"What's one thing you haven't tried yet in your life that you still want to attempt?"

These types of questions open up new ways of knowing each other and help find commonalities.

*…is comfortable asking about feelings.

"The news from the doctor wasn't what you were hoping for. Can you share what you're feeling right now? I'd like to know."

"You said you were worried about this upcoming event. Can you tell me more about some of your fears?"

To genuinely care enough to ask about, and then listen to, another's feelings is one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

*…is comfortable with silence.

Sometimes, when asking a great question, especially one that invites a deeper response, there will be silence after the question. This is actually a sign that a great question has been asked and we need to resist the urge to fill the silence with a different question or a change of topic. Being patient while waiting for an answer is a great way to show respect to another.

*…is neutral and free of bias.

"You're not going to do that again, are you?" is clearly not neutral.

Much better is, "You said you want to do "such and such" again. Can you help me better understand what is important to you about doing that?"

*…is asked with one's full, undivided attention.

The best question, if asked while we are scrolling on our phone, is meaningless, as our actions speak louder than our words.

Great questions, asked with undivided attention and a commitment to truly listen to the response, are the lifeblood of all relationships.

As with all the teachers setting up the rules in their classrooms right now, let's make great questions the norm in our lives and our relationships as well.

Making It Personal:

What would you add to this list of what makes for a great question? Which of the bullet points above speak most to you? With whom might you try out some great questions this week, asking them with undivided attention and a commitment to listening patiently?

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Loving Speech

We continue to be deeply grateful for the responses from our column readers and podcast listeners. One common wondering, that we have noticed arising in many of the concerns that have been shared, is how to navigate conflict.

While every situation is unique, one timeless principle that applies to both repairing and strengthening relationships, be they in conflict or not, is the practice of loving speech.

The quote from Rumi in the accompanying photo beautifully captures what loving speech looks like, known as the three gates of loving speech: It is true. It is necessary. It is kind.

These three attributes invite us to reflect not just on the words and tone we use, but also on the true intention behind our speech. This self awareness is crucial, especially when we are in conflict with someone. Are we speaking to "win" an argument, or is it to create a space where differences or concerns can be calmly explored, allowing possible compromises or solutions to emerge? Is our intention to "one up" the other, or is it to approach the other with humility, acknowledging our own part in the conflict? Both our words and our intentions will make all the difference in how the conversation unfolds.

Rumi’s advice to consider these attributes before we speak (Is it true? kind? necessary?) is invaluable, though admittedly can be challenging in the heat of the moment. We have found it equally helpful to reflect on these "gates" of loving speech even after a conversation has taken place. The morning after a difficult discussion, for instance, we may realize our words were not as kind, necessary, true, or even helpful as we wish they had been. We may regret our part in the interaction. If so, considering whether we did indeed use loving speech or not gives us the opportunity to reach out and apologize if we fell short, repairing any hurt we may have caused.

These ideals of loving speech are just that—ideals to strive for. Remember, strengthening or rebuilding relationships is always about progress, not perfection.

Making it Personal: As you go about your week, we encourage you to experiment with these principles of loving speech, and observe whether they make a difference in your interactions. Practice asking yourself both before and after a conversation if what you are about to say or have said is kind, true, and necessary. Is it loving speech? If not, take some time to think about how you could rephrase your words so they can fit through the three gates of loving speech. You will not regret it, we are sure. And we’d love to hear how it goes.

Thanks for reading, and remember, there’s a companion podcast to this column. Check below for details. And please feel free to share this column with others who might find it helpful.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

As we announced last week in our first column for this “season” (September 2024-May 2025), our focus for this season will be relationships. Based on the number of responses we got from our column readers and podcast listeners, we know we are not alone in both having joys in our relationships that we celebrate as well as challenges that we sometimes face. Thank you to everyone who shared your joys, concerns, and time-tested advice for building and maintaining strong emotional connections. We are still reading through the responses and look forward to sharing some of them (anonymously, of course) in future columns and addressing the many questions you have raised.

Our lesson for this week is simple in concept and yet sometimes challenging to remember: What we pay attention to in our relationships is what will grow.

Getting stuck in a loop of complaints and what’s “wrong” in any relationship is not uncommon. This focus can quickly become a bad habit loop, especially when both people are engaged in the cycle. The more attention we give to the negative aspects of another or a relationship, the more significant those aspects seem to become, creating a cycle where conflict can grow and eventually overshadow what is good.

However, when we shift our focus to the positive—such as qualities we love or value in the other person—something powerful happens. As people begin to reflect on what they appreciate or love about the other person the tension often eases. What we focus on grows. If we choose to focus on appreciation, kindness, and love, those aspects can begin to flourish again in the relationship. This focus in and of itself may not resolve the conflicts that sparked the negative cycle, but it does provide us the perspective and the space we need to address the inevitable conflicts or differences in opinion that come up in all relationships.

Several years ago, we were asked to consult with a group of nonprofit leaders who were stuck in a cycle of conflict and criticism. A few important issues were at the center of their negative cycle. In our first two meetings with them, we chose not to address directly the conflicts they were experiencing, but instead, we spent intentional time having them tell us what they loved most and were most proud of in their work with this organization. Most of them had been there a long time and so they had many beautiful stories to share. As these stories were shared we could feel the tension in the room begin to subside. And once the tension was reduced and they were able to remember the bigger context of their important mission, they were able to work more creatively in resolving the genuine conflicts they were still facing.

A good piece of advice often given to parents is to, “Catch your children doing something good.” This advice is especially helpful if the parent has been focusing on their child’s negative behavior and losing sight of the good that is inevitably also occurring. This great advice actually works well in all relationships, so it is wise for all of us to remember it.

Let’s remember to catch each other doing something good and freely express our appreciation. Doing so will strengthen our relationships and give us calmer, more creative spaces to address any conflicts we might have.

Making It Personal: As always, we invite you to apply anything that has been helpful here to your own life. What matters most is not what we write or say but whether any of this helps you to be more aware and intentional in your life and relationships.

What’s one takeaway from this column you might put into practice this week? What specifically could you do?

We always enjoy hearing from you, so if you are so inclined, let us know how this connects for you.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

As the new school year begins, so does a new season for our Weekly Wellness Compass column and podcast. After a summer break, we're excited to embark on another year of exploration and growth with you. For those unfamiliar with our work, we are the co-founders of the nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative. For the past sixteen years, we've supported people worldwide on their journey toward wellness and wholeness.

This time of year often inspires a renewed commitment to growth and learning. In that spirit, we've decided to focus this "school year" on relationships—one of the eight areas of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Wellbeing. As marriage and family therapists, we've seen how the quality of our relationships profoundly impacts our overall wellbeing, and that's why this year, relationships will be the central theme of our column and podcast.

How we interact with others significantly shapes our lives, whether in marriage, friendship, a family bond, or a workplace relationship. We've learned that being in relationships is a continuous learning process offered to us over the years—both in our personal journeys (we just celebrated 47 years of marriage) and in our professional practices.

We often hear people say, "If only the other person would change, things would be better." It's easy to view our relationships from a distance, pointing out what's wrong with the other person. But the truth is, we are co-creators in every relationship. The way we show up—our energy, words, and actions—significantly shapes these connections.

In our work, we've met many people who feel stuck and frustrated by a partner, child, colleague, or friend. They come to us hoping to change the other person, but we emphasize the power they have within themselves to influence the relationship. This isn't about control; it's about recognizing the impact we can have through our own behavior.

We like to think of this journey as being in a lifelong school of relationships. Just as students return to school to learn and grow, we, too, are continuously learning and growing, as we are all in a multitude of relationships. Relationships are never static. As we change and the people we are in relationships with change, there is always more to learn and practice.

This year, we invite you to become more intentional about your relationships. Whether it's a long-term relationship with established patterns or a new one full of possibilities, you have the power to influence its direction. Even longstanding relationships can change and grow when we approach them with awareness and intention.

Relationships don't just happen to us; we co-create them every day. Let's commit to being lifelong learners in this school of human connection, continuously evolving and enhancing the quality of our relationships—and in turn, our lives.

The bell is about to ring, so we will wrap up this week’s class. We’ll be back next week as we continue learning how to strengthen our relationships together.

Optional Homework: If you had one piece of advice to offer on the key to strong relationships, what would it be? Is there a relationship that is inviting you to learn something new right now?

We also invite you to send us any relationship questions you have so we can know the kinds of concerns that are on our readers’ minds. If we address your question in a future column or podcast, we will, of course, keep your identity anonymous.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn

We are traveling to Dharamsala, India, next week for a two-week conference on Eastern (Tibetan Buddhist) and Western perspectives on resilience, trauma, and mental health. We are honored to have been invited to present our work, the Wellness Compass Initiative, yet we are most looking forward to listening to our hosts and learning about their unique cultural and religious wisdom and perspectives on enhancing resilience.

As we prepare to go to Dharamsala, we know that we will benefit much more from listening to others than from speaking. This is almost always the case, and so today's column focuses on the importance of listening. It also concludes our six-part series on some of the core practices for enhancing our wellbeing.

Deep listening is powerful as it opens new doors of learning by helping us to understand our own needs, better empathize with others, and foster more meaningful connections. Thus it's a practice that enhances our wellbeing in all aspects of life.

When we listen deeply to ourselves, we learn what we long for and, in turn, what part of our wellbeing might need attention. When we listen deeply to others, we enhance our relationships with them. When we are open to listening to those who are different from us, we build bridges of connection and understanding. Our spiritual wellbeing can also be nurtured and strengthened when we listen to what is sacred for us.

The more we learn to listen, the more we will learn from our listening.

This column concludes our season of weekly columns and podcasts as we will be taking a break for the summer. The column and podcast will return the first week of September.

Whether you've recently joined our community or have been with us since the inception of this column in 2008, we sincerely appreciate your engagement. Your responses have been invaluable in shaping our content. Thank you for ‘listening.'

We wish you all a wonderful summer. May it be a time full of wonder, deep listening, and learning.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

We recently stopped by a garage sale in our neighborhood. When talking with the owners, they told us that they have been having a spring garage sale every couple of years ever since they moved into their home some twenty years ago. They said it was the perfect combination of spring cleaning and the need to remember to regularly let go of things they don't need anymore. We were so inspired that we are now seriously thinking of having a similar sale ourselves.

As we are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing, we wanted to acknowledge the importance of practicing all of the shapes and sizes of "letting go" that present themselves throughout our lives.

Thinking about this reminded us of a conversation we had several years ago with a rather large group of people regarding the act of letting go throughout life. We asked the people present to share the challenges they were currently facing related to our topic. They wrote their anonymous responses on index cards, and we collected them and read them out loud for everyone as a way to normalize the many ways in which the challenges of letting go come up for all of us. Here are some of their responses:

"I struggle with letting go when it comes to my children. It's important and hard for me to remember from time to time that it is their life, not mine."

"I find it challenging to let go of anger."

"For me, I have trouble letting go of grudges--to forgive people that have hurt me."

"I find as I get older it is hard, yet necessary, for me to let go of furniture and other possessions that have sentimental value to me."

" Perfectionism and self-criticism are what I struggle to let go of."

"During Covid, I had to learn to let go of so many plans."

"Letting go of things I had hoped would happen, but am now sure will not happen is hard for me, as I realize how little control I really have."

"I am far too critical of someone I know--often just in my own mind--but it is still something I need to learn to let go of. I have recently been focusing on seeing the good in her. I'm 93 years old and still working on all of this!"

"I am finding it definitely challenging to let go of my youth."

"I am such a worrier. I am really working on letting go of my worries about the future."

"Letting go of loss is what has been hardest for me."

We were moved by the depth of what was offered by these people. What they shared was such a powerful reminder that within all of us, just beneath the surface of most of our seemingly calm exteriors, there are many feelings of vulnerability related to the worries, hurts, and fears that we carry. It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening to others who were also struggling with various kinds of "letting go" was actually a positive and uplifting experience for all of us there, as we all felt supported and connected by what we shared.

During the last portion of our time together, we asked those present what gave them hope and what helped them to deal with the challenges of letting go that they had shared. The common responses were talking with others in similar situations and getting their support, normalizing that everyone is facing some kind of challenge around letting go and their spiritual lives. What is known as the Serenity Prayer was shared by many. The profound wisdom of this prayer is that it talks about finding serenity in accepting the things we cannot control or change, having the courage to change the things one can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Life happens. Loss happens. Hurt happens. Change happens. At the same time, though, healing happens, forgiveness happens, self-acceptance happens, and letting go happens. And, as Spring reminds us, new beginnings can and do consistently occur all around us, too.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

"The journey to mental health and wellness begins with normalizing the ups and downs, the highs and lows, as essential parts of the human experience."

This week I (Holly) had the honor of participating in a Mental Health Resource Fair at a local Wisconsin combined public middle and high school in the district of Beloit-Turner. Before becoming a therapist fifteen years ago, I spent many years as a teacher. So this was an excellent opportunity to spend a day back in a school, combining my experience and love for helping young people with supporting the school's efforts to normalize mental health for their students and staff.

In addition to representing our Wellness Compass Initiative, I was joined by quite a few other community nonprofits that are each doing their part to support the mental health and wellbeing of teens and their families. I was inspired by the collective commitment of so many caring souls.

While this was the first time we participated in this day, this district has offered a variety of mental health programs for their students for many years. They are doing their part in reducing the stigma about mental health challenges every day. Many students shared with me some of the ups and downs they are currently facing: an important grandmother having to move away, losing a friend, and going to a new school next year where they know no one.

It was an honor to be trusted by them and to validate and normalize what they were experiencing. Many students reported that they felt fortunate to be in a school where they could talk openly with teachers, counselors, and other students about the challenges they were facing. They said they felt so much support knowing they were not alone in their struggles.

We are in the midst of a series of columns on best practices for enhancing our overall wellbeing. And so, in today's column, in honor of what the students reminded us of this week, we want to lift up the importance of normalizing and accepting the ups and downs, the highs and lows of life. Challenges are not just for middle school and high school students alone. It's not like we outgrow the hard times and challenges that life sometimes gives us. Just as at every stage of life, we experience physical aches and pains—some minor, some quite serious—so, too, we all experience emotional aches and pains of varying degrees. Accepting these as the normal processes of life, rather than rare exceptions or things to be embarrassed about, does much to help us be open to sharing and supporting one another.

Imagine the possibility of having regular mental health resource fairs, not just in our schools but in our neighborhoods, workplaces, faith centers, and our larger communities. We could all gather to share what we are facing and seek support. In doing so, we would be doing so much to enhance not just our own personal wellbeing, but the wellbeing of our communities as well.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column.

Knowing When to Push the Pause Button

One of our grandsons recently taught us a helpful mindfulness technique he learned in school called “take five.” You hold one hand up with your fingers stretched out. With the other hand, beginning where your thumb and wrist adjoin, slowly move your index finger up and down each finger, taking a deep breath as you go up and then exhaling as you move downward, eventually tracing each finger. This is what his teacher taught the students to do when they feel stressed. This is also a great way for all of us to help reset ourselves when feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

Knowing when to pause and reset is a core component of emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational wellbeing, and that is why we are focusing on it in this third column in our series on foundational practices for enhancing our overall wellness.

In the quote at the top of the column, Lori Deschene provides a helpful list of when pausing is vital. The list is a good place to start, and it can also help us think of a few other times when we may need to pause in our daily lives.

Pause to listen more before being quick to speak.

Pause before sending emotionally charged emails or other messages.

Pause to examine our own biases.

Pause before speaking unkindly or gossiping about someone.

Pause when feeling impatient.

Pause when feeling stressed.

Pause when becoming overwhelmed.

Pause before being quick to defend yourself.

Pause before posting heated comments on social media.

Pause when you find yourself feeling emotionally flooded.

Pause when you are exhausted.

Pause when you disagree with another.

And, just as important, pause to observe the positive around you, things that pausing allows us to see.

You undoubtedly have specific examples from your life to add to this list. Maybe this would be a good time to, well….pause, and think about what they are.

However we “take five” or “practice the pause,” knowing when to do so will enhance our wellbeing and the wellbeing of those with whom we are connected.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can sign up to receive this column at www.WellnessCompass.org.

Imagine the following exchange between two people who are closely connected.

Person 1: "I have found you to be quite argumentative and defensive recently, and I am feeling hurt by how you habitually respond to me in this way."

Person 2: (Said with great intensity and heated emotion) "What are you even talking about??!! I have NOT been argumentative and defensive at all!"

Person 1: (Silence, just looking at the other person with curiosity).

Person 2: (Sheepishly adds) "Um, maybe the way I just responded to you is kind of what you are talking about? I guess I have kind of been acting like a jerk lately."

Person 1: "Yes, and thank you for being willing to notice that. Let's talk more about what's going on."

In our multi-part series on key practices for enhancing our wellbeing, we are focusing on the importance of self-awareness this week.

The fictional exchange above illustrates that change can only begin once self-awareness exists. If Person 2 in the conversation had only stayed defensive and argumentative, never acknowledging any truth to what Person 1 was saying, no change would be possible then.

Susan Scott is an author we both like and in her book Fierce Conversations, she has a great coaching question. "What, if anything, are you pretending not to know right now?" What we like about this question is that it reminds us that sometimes there are things we are struggling with that we, at one level, know we need to face, but are actively trying not to be aware of. This could be for a multitude of reasons, but whatever the reason, we can't begin to change something until we acknowledge it.

Last week, we wrote about the practice of self-compassion. We started with that practice because we wanted it to guide all the other practices. With self-compassiom, and compassion from others, we are more willing and able to recognize signs that something is out of balance in our lives, whether that be in our physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual wellbeing.

Such self-awareness might sound like this…

"I've been unusually tired lately; I wonder what that's about."

"I feel like I have lost a sense of purpose in my life. I want to take some time to reflect and work on that."

"I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed with other things lately. I want you to know that I am aware of that and intend to make some changes in our relationship."

"I am aware that I have been pretending not to know that what I am currently doing is not sustainable."

"I am aware that this organization cannot simply keep doing what has always done and expect different results."

Do any of these statements connect with you or bring something related up for you in your life? How might you practice greater self-awareness (combined with self-compassion) right now? And how might doing so enhance some aspect of your wellbeing?

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. You can sign up to receive this column at www.WellnessCompass.org.

Practicing Self-Compassion

We are excited to begin a multi-part series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” in which we will explore the practices that we have found to be foundational for wellness, both in our own lives and in the lives of the people we are honored to help.

We start with the practice of self-compassion. This is a good one to begin with because, unfortunately, just bringing up the topic of wellness creates a self-critical reaction for many people. This reaction is often accompanied by a long list of “shoulds.” “I really should……get more sleep, eat better, spend more time with family and friends, create a budget, and spend more time nurturing my spiritual life…..”

Our Wellness Compass Initiative (along with its partner, the Living Compass Spirituality and Wellness Initiative) is a strength-based, love-based initiative with no room for shame, guilt, or blame. This is because the inner critic is an ineffective teacher and motivator. We don’t grow and change because we should or because if we don’t, we will think less of ourselves. What would you most likely feel, or how might you react, if someone were to tell you that you should change in some way? You would most likely recoil and resist and might even feel ashamed or angry. That is, unfortunately, how most of us also respond when we recognize there is a change that our life would benefit from.

When we, however, view ourselves and our wellbeing through the lens of self-care and self-compassion, we are kind and encouraging to ourselves. We support any desire we have to make a change with grace and patience. We become cheerleaders for ourselves, just as we would cheer on others, such as friends or family members, who share with us a change they are seeking to make in their lives.

It is worth noting that grief is one area in which we often witness people have difficulty with self-compassion. It’s not uncommon to hear someone ask, “What’s wrong with me that I still get so upset about my loss?” The answer is there is nothing wrong. Grief has no timetable or expiration date. It ebbs and flows as long as it needs to, and each person’s journey with grief is unique. Lovingly and tenderly accepting one’s feelings of grief is a beautiful way to practice self-compassion.

Some might think that too much focus on loving and caring for ourselves leads to self-centeredness. In our experience, that is not the case at all. Loving ourselves does not create self-centeredness; loving ourselves creates a centered self. In fact, from a place of being a more centered self, we can grow, change, and love others more fully.

As we begin this series on “Practices for Enhancing Our Wellbeing,” we invite you to start by practicing self-compassion and care towards yourself this week. For each of us, that will mean something different.

What does it mean for you? What is one small thing you could do for yourself this week that would be an act of self-care and self-compassion?

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In this episode for Palm Sunday and Holy Week, Scott reflects on two powerful images from Palm Sunday that speak to the theme of practicing forgiveness. The first is Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem, and the second is the crowd's response of "crucify him" when Pontius Pilot asks what he should do with Jesus.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of this column.

One of the joys of this year's college basketball season has been watching Caitlin Clark play for the Iowa Hawkeyes. In a recent game we were watching, the announcer, seemingly running out of superlatives to describe the incredible skills of the now all-time scoring leader in NCAA Basketball history, simply said, "Once again, Caitlin Clark is in 'the zone.'" This meant that almost every shot (including her signature "logo threes" and every assist she made was right on target. During those moments, her play seemed effortless, and her energy seemed contagious as it spread to the other four players on her team.

Being "in the zone" has also been described as experiencing "flow." Flow is the effortless experience people feel when they are fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus so that their thoughts and emotions are fully channeled and aligned with the task at hand. I believe that one of the greatest draws to watching sports, and any live performance for that matter, is that spectators hope to see an athlete, a musician, an actor, or a dancer perform in a state of flow. There are few things more inspiring than witnessing someone in such a state.

The only thing better than watching someone in a state of flow is to experience that state ourselves. Flow is not just for athletes and other performers; it is an experience we, too, can have in our relationships, work, and daily lives. There is a certain spiritual quality to flow because it is not something that a person can force to happen. The term flow is used because there is a sense that a person experiencing flow is part of a force or energy larger than themselves, as if they are being carried by the flow of a river or a current of air. They feel like they are in the flow of something beyond themselves. Flow is what we experience when we look at the clock and can't believe how much time has passed without our awareness of it passing.

Flow is largely an unexpected gift because it is impossible to create flow whenever we feel like it. However, it is possible to maximize our chances of experiencing it by focusing on the following traits or habits.

Living or being entirely in the present moment, not rehashing the past, or worrying about the future.
Living from a place of "soul" rather than ego. .
Not forcing or trying to control an outcome.
Fostering a lack of self-consciousness and not taking ourselves too seriously.
Maintaining a sense of humor.
Living from the "inside out," rather than the "outside in"-focusing on intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.
Silencing our inner judge, our inner critic.
Practicing something to the point where it becomes effortless.

The opposite of flow is distraction and constriction, which is why we use the term "choke" when an athlete, performer, or team tightens up and performs poorly in a key situation. It is impossible to experience flow when we are distracted or when other things in our lives are out of balance. In basketball, as in life, if we find ourselves distracted or choking, it is a good time to call a time-out and regroup. Resolving distractions and then re-centering ourselves and focusing all of our attention and energy on the "now" will maximize our chances of getting back in the flow.

Review the traits listed above and try putting them into practice in some concrete situations in your life. Instead of being distracted, work on being fully present in a conversation with a friend or loved one, and see if you experience a different kind of flow in the conversation. Try doing a task at work or home in an entirely focused, mindful way, and see if the task feels different to you. Try a spiritual practice of prayer, meditation, walking, deep breathing, or journaling, and see if you can experience a moment of flow.

In the end, flow is a gift. We cannot make it happen. We can, however, practice certain habits that put us in a mindset where we are more open to receiving this gift. For you and me the result may not be sinking more three-point shots or completing no-look pass, but it may result in experiencing increased joy and meaning in our lives and our relationships.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

This coming week includes St. Patrick's Day and the Spring Equinox. Wondering how we could connect these two, we remembered that one of our favorite poets, John O'Donohue, who just happens to be Irish, wrote a beautiful piece about the coming of spring.

His words remind us that sometimes change and new growth seem like they will never happen, and then suddenly, just like the coming of spring, the signs of new life are everywhere.

“Gifts From the Spring Equinox,” by John O'Donohue

"Within the grip of winter, it is almost impossible to imagine the spring. The gray perished landscape is shorn of color. Only bleakness meets the eye; everything seems severe and edged. Winter is the oldest season; it has some quality of the absolute.

Yet beneath the surface of winter, the miracle of spring is already in preparation; the cold is relenting; seeds are wakening up. Colors are beginning to imagine how they will return.

Then, imperceptibly, somewhere one bud opens and the symphony of renewal is no longer reversible. From the black heart of winter a miraculous, breathing plenitude of color emerges.

The beauty of nature insists on taking its time. Everything is prepared. Nothing is rushed. The rhythm of emergence is a gradual slow beat always inching its way forward; change remains faithful to itself until the new unfolds in the full confidence of true arrival.

Because nothing is abrupt, the beginning of spring nearly always catches us unawares. It is there before we see it; and then we can look nowhere without seeing it."

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

We recently visited some friends we hadn’t seen in quite a while. It was a delight to share memories and catch up on each other’s lives. The next day, we agreed that we both wanted to make more time for experiences like that.

The semi-annual ritual of changing our clocks, which we will all engage in again soon, provides an opportunity for us to reflect on time and how much time we are making for what matters most to us.

Just as it is a good practice to regularly reflect on how we spend, save, or share our money, the same thing can be helpful in reflecting on how we spend our time. Suggesting that we pause to take an audit of how we are spending our time is not meant to be an exercise in self-criticism but a way to bring to mind anything we wish we were making more time for, but are not. This is what we were doing when we realized we wanted to spend more time connecting with friends.

Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed with responsibilities and challenges that we feel like we have no time for anything else. There may also be times when we feel like we have nothing but time on our hands. Either way, pausing to reflect on how we are choosing to spend our time can be helpful.

In place of any judgment about how we are using our time, we find that this simple question can be most empowering: “What is one thing that, if I spent more or less time doing it this week, would enhance my overall wellbeing?

Pause and ask yourself that question with self-compassion. If you gain some clarity from the question, then receive that and do what comes to mind. Hopefully, this will be a gift you can give yourself and others today or this week. For us, it was and is spending time with friends. What is it for you?

*If you are stuck or need help with this, looking at our Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing might stimulate some ideas. You can find it HERE.

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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast.

With the recent record warmth in Wisconsin we took advantage of the weather and went for a long hike last Saturday. One of the highlights of our walk was pausing on an old wooden bridge to watch the water flowing under our feet. Observing silently for an extended time, we noticed how often our view changed. We saw many different sizes and shapes of sticks floating by, along with various sizes and shapes of dried leaves. Occasionally, a piece of recently freed ice drifted into view as well. And between the multiple objects floating by, there were long stretches of crystal clear water.

Our experience reminded us of a concept we often teach people who are having trouble with experiencing anxious thoughts. And who among us doesn't struggle with anxious thoughts at times?

We teach that it is helpful to think of each of us having an "experiencing self" and an "observing self." When we experience anxious thoughts, as the phrase "experience anxious thoughts" makes evident, our experiencing self is having those thoughts and feelings. When we pause and notice that we have been having many worried thoughts, it is our observing self that is doing the noticing. Other examples might be when we see that we have been irritable and overly reactive. Or when we notice that we have been eating poorly when stressed. Or when we notice that we go shopping to take our mind off things troubling us. That is our observing self doing the noticing.

Returning to the scene of our watching the flow of the stream on our recent hike, that was our observing selves standing on the bridge and watching what went by. We were merely observing what was happening in front of us.

The flow of the stream can be compared to our experiencing selves, literally experiencing the flow of our thoughts and feelings and all that comes with that. Sometimes, there is lots of debris floating by; other times, the water is crystal clear.

Just as a person standing on a bridge has no control over what floats by in the stream, we often have little control over what floats through our minds at any given time, nor what feelings come along. What we do have control over is our capacity to get up on the bridge, and to access our observing self. This is particularly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. If we can let ourselves adopt the perspective that these things will naturally float on by with time, and we needn't be swept along by them, we will feel in better control.

Here are some real-life examples of how this can help. A parent is exasperated by their teen and about to lose control. Instead of losing control, they realize that they need to call a time-out and tell their teen that they need to go for a walk to calm down. They can resume their conversation later. The parent has used their observing self to notice their experiencing self becoming overwhelmed. They then made an excellent call to calm the river of their emotions before continuing the conversation. The observing self helped the experiencing self gain perspective and calm down.

Imagine receiving an email or text message that irritates you. Your experiencing self may want to send an angry reply immediately. Fortunately, you can intentionally climb up on the bridge. Then you can have your observing self help you to make the decision to respond in a few hours, or even the next day, when you are not so emotionally flooded. Responding from your observing self will undoubtedly be much more productive.

Some practices we can use to strengthen our observing self include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or talking to a therapist. Strengthening our ability to step out of the river of thoughts and feelings and onto the bridge of the observing self is a sure way to enhance our personal wellness and the wellbeing of our relationships.

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The two of us recently had the opportunity to be guest presenters at classes on wellness coaching at the University of Wisconsin, here in the state capitol of Madison, where we live. We are honored to be working with the university to develop a student peer wellness coaching program that is partially based on the resources we have created.

One of the things we enjoyed discussing with the students last week was how hard it is to change habits. It became clear that this is not just true for those of us in the second half of life, but is equally valid for eighteen - to twenty-two-year-olds. In our discussions, the students shared how it's complicated because they realize that the very habits that have served them well, for example, regularly pushing themselves to work and perform to the point of exhaustion, are also habits they know sometimes compromise their wellbeing. They struggle with balancing the reward of achieving good grades and getting into good programs with how anxious and overwhelmed they sometimes feel. They kept saying that they were striving for balance but found it challenging, reporting that just when they start to feel more centered, some new challenges come their way.

The balance we seek varies throughout the life cycle. Like riding a bicycle, we never actually achieve perfect balance. As we talked with the students, we discussed how a regular practice of self-awareness helps all of us make the constant adjustments it takes to keep riding forward. And we discussed how this is true for their parents, professors, and everyone they know and have known, as it is a lifelong process for all of us. Several students shared the insight that it's easier to make small changes on an ongoing basis than to wait until a crisis forces them to change in a big way.

Later, as we talked with the students about their peer wellness coaching work, we shared with them that asking good questions is the most essential tool they will use. We explained how the person they are coaching is always the expert on their own lives and will intuitively know whatever changes they want or need to make. They will be the ones that know best if and when a change needs to be made.

They decided they liked the following question and would use it in their meetings with other students." Is there some change you already know of, something that, if you either did more of or less of, would enhance your wellbeing and balance right now? Can you share with me what that might be?" It's a great question not just for young people to be asking, but for all of us as well.

Asking ourselves, "What small change could I make right now to enhance my wellbeing?" is always a good start. Then listening and acting, on an ongoing basis, to the answers that come to mind, regarding all areas of our lives, will keep us pedaling down the road with a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

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Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "

We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.

Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.

Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.

Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."

As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.

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Growing Our Relationships

Are you looking for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone special to you? Read on for a recommendation for a gift that will not cost you a penny but will require something else from you instead.

The quote in the box above, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional," from author John Maxwell, is one of our favorites. Maxwell writes leadership books, so it is natural that the wisdom of this quote is something he often applies to organizations and businesses. In honor of Valentine's Day approaching, though, we would like to reflect on its meaning as it pertains to love and relationships.

All relationships change over time, as change is inevitable. This is true of every relationship we are a part of, whether they be with family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and, of course, romantic relationships. While every relationship experiences change over time, not all relationships experience growth. Why? Because, as the Maxwell quote says, growth is optional.

Growth happens when people are committed to the ongoing emotional growth relationships require. Growth occurs when both people see conflict and challenging times as opportunities for growth in understanding each other and are willing to learn and use new communication and listening skills. Growth also occurs when we accept that from time to time relationships get stuck, and that it is wise to ask for help by seeking out a therapist, a coach, a course, or book.

Our last column and podcast talked about how "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." This is so true when it comes to relationships. Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder that our relationships need attention and nurturing, not just at this time of year, but always.

So, in addition to whatever cards or gifts we may give this Valentine's Day, let's consider that the greatest gift of all may be a renewed commitment to growing and tending our relationships.

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People across the United States have been experiencing extreme winter weather lately. There have been tornadoes, heavy rains, bitter cold, ice storms, strong winds, and record snow storms. We know this as we have been running Zoom Wellness Circles lately with people living through all of these different types of weather. We have people from VA, WI, NY, CA, NC, OR, FL, MD, and UT in one we are running now, and everyone is talking about the challenging weather they are experiencing this winter.

One group member shared the quote, "If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow." While this may seem a stretch if we are experiencing truly dangerous weather, we like the spirit of this quote. It fits with a quote that runs throughout our resources: "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow."

If we give most of our attention to our complaints (weather or otherwise) our negative energy will grow. If we pay attention to what we are grateful for, to what brings us joy (including road crews, utility workers, first responders, and others who help restore services after a storm), that will grow as well.

Here are some other examples of paying attention and the results we can get:

If we pay attention and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we pay attention to and appreciate someone's efforts to face a challenging situation, we may increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we really pay attention to some habit we want to change, we will be more likely to make that change.

If we pay attention to the kindness of another, by expressing our gratitude and appreciation, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we pay extra attention to someone we care about, we make them feel cared about, and we grow the relationship.

You can probably think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we pay attention to grows," and we encourage you to do so.

We also encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way, and to pay attention to something or someone in your life that you would like to enhance.

Give that part of your life more attention in the next few weeks and see what happens. Most likely, that area of your life will grow, no matter the weather.

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F.A.I.L.—A New Mindset

We have been taking Spanish lessons for the last several years. There has been progress occasionally, but more often than not, it has been an ongoing lesson in humility. And as it turns out, this might be the most important lesson of all.

One of the biggest obstacles we have had to overcome is our desire to quickly “get it right.” Just as we begin to feel comfortable with a new milestone we have achieved, we are humbled once again as we take on a new topic. We especially struggle with speaking Spanish, and our teacher always encourages us to become more comfortable with “saying it wrong.” She says there is no other way to learn than to stop being so self-conscious about making mistakes and to try again.

Early in our learning journey, when we felt like we were failing, our teacher encouraged us to think of the word “FAIL” as an acronym for “First Attempt in Learning.” That has helped tremendously. We repeat that acronym often and have learned to apply it to many areas of our lives.

This acronym may be timely for you if you have set resolutions for yourself in the new year. Perhaps you are struggling with feeling that you have already failed, and could benefit from instead thinking of something you have tried to change in the last few weeks as a first attempt in learning.

One thing we all learn when we try to change an old habit or start a new one is that change is almost always more complex than we imagine. This is true for individual changes and changes within relationships, families, and organizations. Our first attempts rarely succeed if we define success as achieving the complete change we desire. If, however, we reframe our first (and second, third, and more) attempts as opportunities to learn, we can keep our momentum to change moving forward.

At the first of the year the two of us set an intention of eating more vegetarian meals. We admittedly have been uneven in our consistency so far. What we have learned, though, is that our default habit is to cook meat-based meals, as we don’t yet have much of a repertoire of vegetarian entries. We have always eaten lots of vegetables as side dishes, but not so much as entries. So, based on what we are learning, we are now collecting and trying some new recipes. We are measuring our progress so far not in terms of success or failure, but as an attempt in learning.

How about you? What first attempts in learning are you experiencing in your life right now?

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We love inspiring quotes. We value them so highly that we invite participants in our six-week Wellness Circle programs to select and share a quote with their group, one that will serve as a guide or a “compass” for the goals they set for themselves in their circle. Some participants turn their quotes into bookmarks or put them on Post-it notes and stick them in places where they will see them regularly.

In that spirit, today, we are going to share one of the quotes one of our participants shared in a Wellness Circle a few months ago.

Here’s this week’s quote:

“The New Elimination Diet: Remove anger, regret, resentment, guilt, blame, and worry. Then watch your health and life improve.”

Charles Glassman, M.D.

Many approaches to dieting are grounded in shame and self-criticism, something we could never support. This quote, however, speaks of one approach to a diet we can get behind and one we wish to practice for ourselves.

Many of you wrote to us last week and thanked us for focusing on the importance of self-compassion as we set intentions for the new year. The quote above goes along with that way of thinking and invites us to let go of four things that relate directly to practicing self-compassion: regret, resentment, guilt, and blame. For us to eliminate these things does not mean that we don’t or that we shouldn’t feel them. The idea is not to get stuck in them, to let them go over time rather than letting them weigh us down, causing us to suffer one way or another.

The same can be said for anger and worry. There are healthy experiences and expressions of both of these emotions, as well as unhealthy ones. We can usually sense the difference. People often reach out to us when they know their anger or worry is excessive and/or they are feeling consumed by them. This is a healthy move on their part as they know that being unable to let certain emotions go will have a long-term negative effect on their life and health.

Our overall physical health and wellbeing are intricately intertwined with our emotions. It is wise for all of us to identify and practice eliminating emotions that could harm us. When we do this, we can all watch our health and life improve.

Do you have a quote that guides your wellbeing right now or your intentions for the new year? One you might put up on a sticky note and post on your mirror or laptop?

We would love to hear it—so we invite you to share it with us on our Wellness Compass Facebook page, where we also share this column each week.

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In this first episode of 2024, Holly and Scott share that many New Year's resolutions fail because they are grounded in self-criticism. They then tell us how to ground any desires we have to grow in change in self-compassion.

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One of the greatest gifts we can give to one another during the holidays, or any time of year, is the gift of our presence. In this episode Holly and Scott share some stories of when they have received the gift of presence and remind us all to be aware and intentional about how we can offer that gift to others.

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In this episode, Holly and Scott share their thoughts in reaction to this beautiful poem called "On the Necessity of Snow Angels for the Well-Being of the World" by Grace Butcher. Here is the full text of the poem:

Wherever there is snow, I go,

making angels along the way

Luckily angels have no gender

and are easier to make

than you might think.

All you have to do is let go,

fall on your back,

look up at the sky as if in prayer.

Move your arms like wings.

Move your legs to make a robe.

Rise carefully so as to do no harm,

and walk away.

All the angels along the path behind you

will sparkle in sunlight, gleam under the stars.

In spring the angels will be invisible

but really they are still there,

their outlines remain on the earth

where you put them,

waiting for you and the snow to return.

Keep walking,

towards the next beautiful thing

you will do.

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Continuing their series on proactively caring for our wellbeing during the holidays, Holly and Scott talk about how we can take the opportunity this time of year to strenghten our relationships. Few things affect our wellbeing more than the state of our relationships.

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The pressure around the holiday season to have the "best holiday ever" can cause us to ignore the full range of complicated emotions we often feel this time of year. In this episode, Holly and Scott discuss the importance of caring for our emotional wellbeing this time of year.

They also reflect on a poignant commercial they saw recently that helps bring to life what they are talking about. You can find that commercial at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnZGEUA4oBk

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Small daily habits make a difference. For example, every morning, we both clean our glasses. It’s just something we do as part of our morning routine. Doing so allows us to see the world a little more clearly. If we miss a day, we probably won’t notice it that much, but if missing a day turned into missing a week, our view of things would undoubtedly become a bit clouded.

Practicing gratitude is like this. Practicing it each day allows us to see the world more clearly. Neglecting to do so over time clouds our vision, and we may wonder why the world looks a bit dull or dark.

There are several ways we can practice an “attitude of gratitude.” Some people find it helpful to keep a regular gratitude journal. We have several friends who are doing this as a practice for the entire month of November. In honor of Thanksgiving being this month, they started on the first of the month by writing down and/or posting on social media three to five things for which they are grateful. Their practice deepens as they commit to not repeating anything the whole month, instead naming three to five new things each day. This discipline reminds them, and those of us who are seeing these daily posts, to notice and name the little things that happen each day that are so easy to take for granted.

As marriage and family therapists, we know how crucial it is to practice gratitude in our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Each expression of gratitude puts a little air in the tires of the person receiving our appreciation and enhances our connection as well. When relationships are distant or conflicted, all parties usually report that they no longer feel loved and appreciated by the other person. At some point, they realize that the lenses through which they view the other person have become clouded with hurt and resentment.

It takes awareness and intention to begin to change this cycle, but it is possible. Often, the best way to start the change is to acknowledge one’s own part in the pattern.

Nurturing our spirituality is another way to enhance our practice of gratitude. All spiritual traditions focus on the importance of regularly offering gratitude for the many gifts of this life and of the created world.

To focus on gratitude is not to ignore the incredible suffering of the world. In fact, a mature spirituality contains both the capacity to acknowledge and commit to the relief of suffering, and, at the same time, to committing to recognize and share gratitude.

We are grateful to be able to take some time off starting next week, and so this column, and the podcast that accompanies it, will return right after Thanksgiving. Until then, let’s all work to keep our glasses clean so we can see all that we have to be grateful for.

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In this episode Holly and Scott talk about the power of being kind.

If you ever doubt the power of kindness, you can quickly become reassured of the difference it makes by trying it. Make an effort to say a kind word to someone today. You might call someone who could use a kind word, send an email, or text to someone who could use some encouragement. Or you could make a meal for a friend, help a neighbor with a chore, or volunteer your time to a cause that is important to you. Create some words or acts of kindness, and then notice the difference you make as you see the look of gratitude and joy in the other person's eyes. You will discover that kindness truly is your superpower.

This superpower can also be extended to ourselves. Self-compassion is sometimes the most challenging kind of compassion to express, as many of us are our own worst critics. So, when it comes to spreading kindness, remember to offer some to yourself, as well.

Random acts of kindness are also a great way to put positive energy into the world. Give up your seat for a stranger. Help a person carry their bags. Offer an unexpected compliment to someone. Let someone go ahead of you in line. Hold an elevator door for someone. Speak up for someone who is marginalized. Go for a walk and pick up any litter you encounter.

In a world where we can be anything, let's always remember to be kind.

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Most likely, we have all had the experience of negatively judging someone else's behavior and then wholly changing our opinion after we later learned more about the context or background of the person and the behavior we had judged. Maybe we regarded someone as being rude for coming late or unprepared to a meeting, only to find out later that they are a caregiver for a loved one and are overwhelmed in ways that we had no idea about when we formed our opinion. When we are willing to slow our initial reactions long enough to be curious, we can often subsequently enhance the wellbeing of ourselves and others.

Forming judgments is necessary, but creating conclusions prematurely and being unwilling to examine them over time is rarely helpful. Next time, for example, you discover someone has a different view than you have on an important issue, rather than immediately dismissing them, try being curious and ask them how they came to form their perspective. Ask what experiences in their lives and what people influenced their views. Ask whether they have consistently held that view or if their opinions have changed over their lifetime and why. The simple act of being curious will deepen the conversation and the relationship. You may still disagree in the end, but if you both share in this way, you will have a much fuller understanding of each other and how and why you view the world the ways you do.

Last week, we wrote about "practicing the pause." Many of you responded by telling us how much you needed to be reminded of that essential practice. One of the benefits of pausing is that it provides the space for curiosity and civil discourse to occur.

As family therapists, we help families do this by creating space and time for pausing, allowing them to listen more deeply to each other. Empathy and curiosity can help break the cycle of hurt and judgment, granting a glimpse into the circumstances and experiences that have shaped another's viewpoint and behavior.

Too often, changing one's mind is seen as a weakness. However, we view the capacity and openness to change one's mind with new information or new experiences as a strength. Scientists continually do this and thus revise their theories as they pause to learn more; we can evolve, too, by being open-minded and embracing curiosity. By remaining open and curious about ourselves and others, we can navigate the changes and challenges in our lives, fostering greater wellbeing and personal growth.

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Practice the Pause

Have you ever sent a text message or email when you were upset, only to regret doing so? If so, you know firsthand how important it can be to remember to "practice the pause."

The word we are focusing on in this week's column and podcast is “pause.” We like concentrating on a single word because that makes it easy for us to carry it with us throughout our week, reminding us to pause, reflect, and make more deliberate decisions.

This simple yet profound concept is at the core of enhancing well-being and making intentional choices in your life. We often stress the importance of "awareness" and "intention" in our work. However, these concepts are incomplete without the pivotal element of "pause."

We need to pause from our hectic life to reflect, much like sharpening an ax. If we're too busy chopping down trees (our daily tasks), we may easily forget to pause and sharpen our emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational well-being.

A pause is like a personal time-out, something parents sometimes try to teach children and something adults can embrace as well. It's about taking a moment to step back from a situation, take a deep breath, and choose our next steps deliberately. Whether we're making a decision about how to spend money, whether to watch a particular TV show, or whether to have another drink, pausing helps us make more thoughtful choices.

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor, wrote, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom." This quote perfectly encapsulates the essence of pausing. It's about finding that space, that pause, in order to make a choice instead of reacting mindlessly.

Pausing in Our Relationships

As marriage and family therapists, we work extensively with relationships. Pausing becomes crucial in preventing and managing emotional flooding, which is when people become reactive in highly charged situations. In emotionally flooded moments, people often escalate conflicts because they're not pausing to reflect and choose a better response.

Proactive and Preventative Pausing

Mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and gratitude are forms of "preventative" pausing that help us reset and center ourselves. Taking retreats or Sabbath time is essential for nurturing our spiritual and emotional well-being.

Physical wellness also benefits from pausing. It's about knowing when to take time for rest and recovery, whether we are an athlete or simply someone seeking a healthier lifestyle.

We encourage you to apply the concept of pausing to various aspects of your life. Incorporating a pause can make a profound difference, whether it's physical wellness, spirituality, emotional well-being, relationships, or even email and text communication. Remember to carry the word “pause” with you throughout the week, practice it, and watch how it enhances your well-being.

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What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome to the Wellness Compass podcast. I'm Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here today with my husband Scott. And we are the co-directors of the Wellness Compass Initiative. You can find out more at WellnessCompass.org. We create all kinds of materials, this podcast being one of those. The goal of all our resources is to help people become a little bit more aware and intentional as they live their lives, in the hopes that they can create greater wellness for themselves.

Scott: We are both marriage and family therapists and we have four decades of experience each, helping families and individuals in one capacity or another. We also have four decades of experience in our own marriage and our own family. And while we have a professional background, we really host this podcast and this whole initiative as fellow travelers.

We love talking about these topics because it gets us thinking about them too.

And so, as Holly said, our tagline is that we are here every week to help you navigate your life with awareness and intention. So we're going to talk about that second word today. Last week, in the previous episode, we talked about awareness. This week we will be talking and thinking about intention and how important that is in our lives.

And I'm going to share with you what might be a groaner, but I think it applies.

The next time, in your life, you find yourself in tension, it might be a good time to stop and reflect on your intentions.

One cause of tension in my life is when my actions, my choices, my patterns or habits are out of alignment with my intentions. So if I say I intend to get more rest, if I intend to spend more time with the most important people in my life, I intend to do a better job of budgeting my food intake or my finances, but then I don't do that I'm going to experience tension. This is because there is a discrepancy between my actions and my intention. So it's helpful to think about the importance of intention and how intention can help us understand tension.

As a therapist and coach, when I see people, in a sense, they're there, they're showing up, they're reaching out to us for help because they’ve ended up where they didn't intend to be. There's tension because they're experiencing something that is out of alignment with where they had hoped or intended to be.

Holly: Right. We talked about awareness last week. And frankly, when somebody comes in, they are usually aware that there is some problem in their life, but they're not quite sure what to do about it. And they haven't set an intention yet, as to what they want to do differently going forward and they want to explore that.

They maybe know that their health isn't so great or they know that their relationship with someone in their family isn't so great. They may know something about their job is making them unhappy and they're bringing it home and complaining there, or whatever it is.

So their awareness is great, but then they have to start figuring out what they intend to do differently going forward. “What am I going to do differently about it?”

As they figure out what to do differently, they may also need to examine their intentions, and decide if they are serving the good in their life. Sometimes they'll say, “ I want to talk to my teenager and let them know who is who in this family.” This reaction might seem to serve well a little bit in the beginning, but it will hurt that relationship in the long run.

We don't usually realize that we have these kind of underlying or hidden intentions, things like, “I'm going to get even, or I'm going to do this to protect myself, or I have to prove to them my point, because I am right.” Any of us can have some underlying intentions that's not so healthy. There are things that are kind of unspoken that can get in the way of our greater intentions.

Scott: That is always such a turning point when I'm working with any relationship, whether it's business consulting, or nonprofit consulting, or marriage or family counseling. When the both of the two parties that are in conflict realize, “Oh my gosh, I have I've not really been trying to resolve this conflict. I've been trying to win an argument. My real intention has been to score points. My intention has been to put the other person down, or demonize the other side. Actually my intention really hasn't been to resolve this, or to show up as my best self, and to work towards resolution.

So, right, sometimes we can get caught up in unintended intentions, we can get knocked off our true north, without even recognizing it. We talk about our values in my couple's work a lot. It's a good thing to really stop and examine them and then align your choices more with what your intentions are. You might wonder, “What are my true intentions here?” Am I really trying to better this relationship?” for instance.

That's really why we offer this whole initiative. It's why we offer this podcast, as it is a chance for us every week to pause and reflect on the choices we're making. It’s a chance to check our bearings and to be proactive.

Imagine if you owned a house and you chose to not do any of the maintenance on it because, you know, it was easier not to do that. You didn’t need to spend any money. It didn't take any of your Saturdays or your time, your evenings. And it would be like, “I’m not experiencing any tension. This is great.”

Well, of course we know what's going to happen. After X number of years, things are going to fall apart and all of a sudden you're going to have all of these crises, right? The gutters are falling off, the roofs leak, cracks in the foundations, whatever. And now you're going to have real tension because you never had the intention of being proactive about it.

The same is true in all wellness. You know, we have people reach out to us because their houses are falling apart or, you know, they realize it’s time to do some deferred maintenance. And we are glad to help people in this situation.

But you know, my favorite thing I would say is when I can help an individual, a couple, a family, or organization, not only patch up or repair the deferred maintenance, but then they learn from that experience and work to make a new maintenance plan.

They then create a preventative maintenance plan going forward, committing to do a regular check in and a regular check up. They commit to noticing as soon as tension is beginning to arise and addressing things early. They work to make sure their actions and their choices stay aligned with their intentions.

Holly: Exactly. But some people even come in when they're not in a crisis, when they're in a good place, but they want to make sure that their wellness is growing, as a preventative measure. They might set an intention, you'd say, “I am going to quit smoking so I can have a healthier life,” or “I'm going to call my brother, who I haven't talked to in a long time, because I want to create a more connected family,” or whatever. All those are preventative measures so that when or if something big comes along, you've a little bit some gas in your tank for the long ride ahead.

Scott: I was at the farmer's market the other day and a person was sharing that they were so proud of themselves. They were really kind of celebrating that they had set a gardening intention for the first time. We live in Wisconsin in the northern climates, so we are well into fall now and gardens are starting to be a thing of the past this time of year. This person said she had set an intention this year for the first time to grow tomatoes, and she had done all the work through out the summer to care for them. She had bought the plants from this farmer at the farmer's market and had come back for more advice.

And she was just celebrating how proud she was that she had set an intention and that she had done the work to make the tomatoes plants so productive. And so this that's just an example of something someone intended to do, and now four or five months later, she was feeling so good about her accomplishment.

And, you know, in all of our materials and our wellness programs we help people set intentions in some area of their life, and then help them find the support they need to do the hard work to make the change happen. It is hard work to set a new intention and to create new habits. Habit formation, forming new habits, getting rid of old habits is difficult work.

And that's why our whole initiative exists, it is why we are here to support people and walk alongside people and give them resources and support.

Holly: And as we get close to the end of the show here, I just want to say I really like the word intention as it is a hopeful word. It's in the present moment like, “This is what I want. I intend to make such and such happen.” It gives you a roadmap like, “I have to do this to get it, to get there.” It's a future focused sort of word. You know, it means you're focused. It's, you know, “What do I want to make happen in my life, that's a little different from what's happening right now?”

Scott: We heard from a listener last week about how she used our word of the week, awareness. She said she really valued and benefited from kind of walking around with that word for the week.

Holly: Yeah, she said. “I put it on a piece of paper and stuck it in my pocket. I walked around with that all week and I kept thinking about it “Awareness, awareness,” I kept noticing what was getting my attention.

Scott: Why not walk around with the word intention this week? Have the word intention in your mind and especially if you find any tension places in your life. Maybe pause and think about your intentions and what you might in the future focus on, what you might want to be different.

We're so glad that you intended to listen to this podcast today, and we're so glad that you're here and hope you…..

Holly: ….intend to listen next week.

Scott: Yes, we hope you intend to listen next week and and might give us your feedback. Like us on our Facebook page Wellness Compass Initiative. If you listen in the podcast app, you can subscribe and please leave us a review. That would be great. Or email us through our website wellnesscompass.org.

Well, we intend to be with you again next week and we will look forward to that. Until then, may you be well, may you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you navigate the week ahead with intention.

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What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode.

Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We're here each and every week to help all of us think about what we can do differently to help create greater well-being and happiness in our lives. Every week we choose a different concept. This week we're going to talk about "awareness" because we always lead off with this podcast saying we want to help people create greater awareness and intention in their life. But you might be wondering, "Awareness about what? What are you talking about?" So we're going to delve into that a little bit today and hopefully give everybody a little food for thought.

Scott, do you want to go ahead and tell us what we mean by it? To help our listeners, I should say, talk about what awareness means to us, what we're talking about?

Scott: Hi, everyone. First of all, welcome to you if this is your first episode, we especially welcome you. But if you're a regular listener, welcome back to the journey that we're on.

Now, back to your question. Maybe this is overstating it, but I think so much of wellness is based on, or begins with self-awareness because we can't change anything if we're not aware of the problem. I was trying to think of that expression when we often say, "Oh, gosh, I wasn't aware of that. I wasn't aware that you were going through that. I wasn't aware that this was happening. I wasn't aware of that. I had this, you know, something happening inside, but I wasn't aware, and now I have this health issue."

It's usually not a good idea. I'm trying to think if anything positive ever flows from somebody saying they're not aware of something. Usually this is followed by, "Oh, I wish I had been more aware of that. If I had been more aware, I might have made a different decision. I might have responded differently."

And so, with wellness, we invite people to enhance their self-awareness so that they can have greater control of their choices. You know, all of our images, obviously, because we're called the wellness compass, navigational. We like the idea of navigating. We say to use your compass to check your bearings and see if you're on the course that you want to be on in some area of wellness. And then, make a choice if you want to do something different or head in another direction. But it all starts with being aware of what you're experiencing and being able to just observe that.

Holly: And being aware, actually is a decisn that you're making to be a little more aware, to not be on autopilot. I think a lot of us, we're not really paying attention to the choices we make each day in all eight areas of our life. It could be in our relationships, it could be in the way organize our finances. It could be anything. But we just kind of do it. We get in a habit of having a certain way of operating that may be, or may not be serving ourselves well. So being aware is actually just observing. It's not judging. It's not being critical of.

Scott: I think that is so key because I think when we talk about being more self-aware, the first thought often is to bring judgment or criticisms upon themselves.

Holly: It is, it's all, it's usually very judgmental. It's like people think they should look for good or bad. Am I doing a good job at this or bad job at this or that? Looking for flaws isn't really very helpful.

What is helpful is when you can just observe. You might say, "When I'm sad, I go out and spend money." That's just an observation. It's not a judgment at all. It's just like I notice this or that about myself or I notice that when I'm afraid, I cry or I avoid such and such. It's just a pure observation. No judgment involved.

Scott: Or for me, not to stereotype, but for me, certainly as a man, for me, when I am sad, it often comes out as criticism or negative energy or anger, when what I'm really feeling is sadness. So just to observe that is helpful. If I'm unaware of that, then I'm missing the deeper insight that I'm actually feeling scared or sad or vulnerable, something that's going to require a different choice for me, a different response.

You may know I've used the image many times of The Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz was really quite scared and insecure, but we never realized this until the curtain got pulled back. Then everyone realized he had been manifesting all this puffed up kind of anger and, command and control or power.

Holly: I like what I think you just said. Or maybe this was just in my mind. You said that you could miss an "opportunity" if you're not aware of the fact that you, for instance, always go shopping on Saturday because you're lonely or something. You go and do something that's not productive when you are lonely. You pull away or whatever you do.

If you're aware of it, though, you may say, "Oh my gosh, I need to go do something else other than just going out and spending money or eating or whatever you do in response to those feelings. When you are aware then you can make a choice, a different choice, like you know, "I need to call a friend. Maybe we can go do something together because what I'm really feeling is lonely, and I need company.

Scott: You use the word response several times. I think that's the key. I think that's what awareness gives us. It increases our capacity to be able to respond rather than react.

When I'm in my reactive self. I'm often not aware of it, except the next day. Right? Who amongst us hasn't said, "Oh gosh, I regret what I said or didn't say, or how I acted or the choice I made last night, last week." See, that's our observing self. That's the more self aware self. We have a reactive self, we have an experiencing self, and we have an observing self. So strengthening that observing self and shortening that time between our reactive self and our responsive self is a key to wellness, I think.

Holly: Sometimes, I'll hear a couple or two people at least talking about something that happened. Maybe they've been drinking too much or something and they've done or said something, and then the next day or week they're feeling regret. Then they may realize, "Actually, we had been drinking. That was part of what was going on. I wonder why we were doing that?" This can lead to a deeper conversation.

So it's just being aware and observing, "Oh, when I drink I do such and such, which in retrospect I don't like." That is observing the situation. Just being aware can create a space, space to begin to make a change in how people either interact, or how they think about themselves, or think about their lives. It really puts them in more control, so that they can make choices about how they want to live their life.

Scott: That's the key. That's the key to our whole Wellness Compass initiative. It's the whole key to this podcast. Again, we speak as fellow travelers here, sure we have some years and actually decades of experience of helping people, but we are also on this journey. That's really what we do. I mean, we create a space, whether we're doing therapy, whether we're doing coaching or simply creating a space where people can become more aware.

We're so privileged to do this work because the people that are coming into our space are seeking greater self-awareness. If you wanted to become a better swimmer, or a better tennis player, or a better musician, you might hire a coach, someone to help you become more aware of things you're doing or not doing that are impeding your ability to be a better swimmer, or a better tennis player.

And so if you want to show up differently as a parent or as a spouse or just in your own life, you put yourself in that vulnerable space of being willing to learn and change. There's great vulnerability in awareness. That's why we want to create safe spaces in everything we do. Everything we do in our Wellness Compass Initiative is to invite people to more awareness in a space that is loving and kind and never shame based or judgment based.

Holly: Right. We're very good as a culture, it seems very good at evaluating somebody else or a situation. But sometimes when we think about evaluating ourselves, that's sort of scary because we tend to be critical. People tend to be kind of critical of themselves. But we encourage you, as you're observing yourself, also notice your strengths.

Scott: Glad you said that because so often in coaching, that's what we're looking for. I often say in a coaching session, "Do you realize that when you just started talking about that, or that person, or this activity, or this desire, this wish, your whole face lit up? You just came to life and all of a sudden the energy in the whole room shifted?"

Holly: So you're helping them observe themselves, helping them see that whatever you are talking about excites them.

Scott: That's blowing on the spark. So be aware of where your challenges are and maybe where things are hard, but also be aware of the the things that are beautiful in your life, things that you want more of, the things you're grateful for, the sparks in your life that you want to blow more on.

Holly: I like that.

Scott: We are honored to be on this journey towards wholeness and oneness with you, and Holly, thank you for choosing this topic of awareness today. It is, you know, something that is so integral to everything we do that sometimes we forget to really unpack it.

So we hope this discussion has been helpful for you, in helping you to become more aware of maybe something that you want to pay more attention to. Either because it's something you want to change, or some spark of energy and vitality you want to blow on.

Stay in touch with us through The Wellness Compass Initiative Facebook page. Anything else? Did I leave something out?

Holly: Our emails.

Scoot: Yes, absolutely, at WellnessCompass.org, that is Holly or Scott at WellnessCompass.org.

So until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast…

May you be well, may you be happy, and may you live with greater awareness.

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What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode. We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE to listen to it on our website. (You can also listen in any podcast app, Apple, Google, Spotify, by searing for Wellness Compass--and be sure to subscribe.)

Holly: Welcome back to the The Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Holly Hughes Stoner and I'm here today with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we spend our time both in our offices and working on this Wellness Compass Initiative. Our goal is to help people make choices and changes in their lives that will help them create more well-being for themselves.

Scott: This podcast is part of the overall Wellness Compass Initiative, and it is a non-profit initiative that has been around since 2008, and we were fortunate to reach tens of thousands of people. You can learn about us on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative.

And yes, we're talking about initiative today, as it is our word for the week. Not our initiative so much, but helping people initiate positive and proactive changes for themselves. Or in their relationships, their families, or even their organizations. And you know it's as easy as that, and as hard as that, as initiating change is difficult.

So we're going to talk today about some of the things that people can do when trying to initiate a change of some sort. We have a four step process that we have learned through the years and in our professional training. We’re going to go through four stages or four steps that will guide you when there's a change that you want to initiate, one that will maximize your chances of that change being successful. What's the first step?

Holly: Well, let me tell you all four of them and then we'll delve in. The first one is to engage, and then focus, evoke, and finally plan.

Scott: Say that again. What are the four steps/

Holly: Engage, focus, evoke and plan.

So the first one, engage, means you have to engage with the problem. You have to acknowledge it. You have to recognize it. You have to become aware of it. We have this self-assessment on our website that a lot of people use, and that really helps them recognize an area of life they think needs more of their attention. Then they say, “Oh, that's something I might want to change.”

Scott: I love that you point out that we have to acknowledge that there is a change that we want to make. You need to engage it, and how you engage it is also important. We have strived to make all of our materials around change strength based, and love based, and based on self-compassion. So it's important that when we identify what change we want to initiate, we do it with self-compassion, and with love, and positive energy.

Think about it in a relationship. When you want to engage in a conversation or make a change in a relationship, if you lead with criticism and anger, sure, you're engaging the challenge that you have, but you're pretty much dooming the initiative from the from the beginning. If you engage it instead with love, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, we have a much greater chance of being successful.

Okay. So, the first thing to do is to engage the change we want to make, to acknowledge there's a change we need to make and want to make, and we decide that we want to do it.

Holly: Or we can think of that aspect of our life as a part of our garden we haven't been tending to and now I'm going to change that. Then you're talking about your relationship to the problem like this, “I just haven't been paying attention to it yet. I recognize that I haven't been watering this part of my life. I'm going to change that.”

Scott: And in just doing that, it's going to begin to change the process. We also want to make sure we want to engage it from the inside out, not because everybody's telling us we should do this or that.

Holly: You have to have some desire yourself.

Scott: So engaging is first, next is focusing.

Holly: So you might say, I don't take care of myself very well. I want to change that. Well, that's not going to help because it’s not focused.

Scott: So why is it not going to help?

Holly: Well, it's just too big. I mean, from listening to that statement, does a person not sleep well? Do they not eat well? Do they never get up and move? But focusing it is narrowing it down. What specifically are they doing and not doing to care for their body?

Or think about these examples. What specifically is their concern about their finances? What is the concern about a relationship? If we focus in on it, what would we say is the core problem?

Scott: A common question we ask in our counseling/coaching practices and in our Wellness Circle programs is, “What's one thing I can do this week?” That's a focusing question. People that are listeners to this podcast know that I struggle with organization, organizing my time, my stuff, and so I need to focus all the time. I need to say, “Okay, I'm going to clean my desk. I'm going to organize my email inbox. I'm going to organize my calendar for this week.” Focusing up-close on organization will make me much more likely to be successful than my merely saying, “ I need to get more organized.”

Holly: That general kind of thing is not really helpful. Yeah, people have to focus in on exactly what is the problem and what they need to do differently. Now, our third step is evoke.

Scott: What does evoke mean in this context?

Holly: To, you know, kind of pull towards yourself, you evoke it, kind of pulling an idea into your mind. It's also goes with inspiring in my mind, you know, like what about this change I’m considering inspires me? Why would I even want to do this? I mean, what's the end goal?

Scott: What’s your why?

Holly: What’s your why? That's a great way of saying it. Because any change actually requires a lot of work. It maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but just organizing your stuff or your finances or whatever it is is going to take a lot of intention, and awareness, and work. And so you've got to be inspired to do this. And so to evoke the reason for putting forth the effort is important.

Scott: Exactly, because that that's what we're going to hold on to when making the change gets hard. Even changes that we want and that we choose and that we are initiating. Changes have a way of getting hard. For example, I might want to be closer in my relationships. I might want to resolve conflict that is holding me, all of us, back from being our best. Or I might want to get a better sense of my finances so that I can I can save for some things that are that are really important to me.

Holly: Or so I can sleep at night.

Scott: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So evoking is really important. Yeah. And then what's the last step?

Holly: The last thing you can do is to plan. Now is the time to plan. This means literally naming what you want to do. You plan for action. I mean, literally, what are what am I going to do? For example, “I’m going to call my friend who plays paddle and she loves it. She's made all kinds of new friends. That might be the thing that I might want to do this week to enhance my rest and play. That would help me have more fun, meet new people, if that's the thing I'm trying to do. I’m going to call her and find out more about it.” Planning literally means planning something concrete.

And you also need to plan for support when you are trying to make some sort of a change. Support really does help because there will be ups and downs and forwards and backwards. So you're going to need support from someone else.

Scott: Another thing we need to plan for is turbulence. If you've flown recently, any time really, you know, that sometimes the captain or the steward comes on the speaker and says, “You just need to know there's going to be some turbulence about 20 minutes into the flight or 20 minutes from now. It looks like we're going to be in some turbulence for a few minutes.” So now you know what's coming and then when it comes you say, “Oh, yeah, they predicted this.” I notice with a warning that I don't feel so anxious about it.

So plan for your own turbulence, as change is disruptive. That's why change is hard, and is why taking initiative is hard. And staying with it is hard. So part of the planning is knowing that this is not going to be a linear process. This is not going to be a straight up every day kind of a thing. You’re going to make progress but it's not going to be easy. It's going to be challenging.

You know, we're family therapists, so we talk about, you know, families making changes. You know, somebody comes in and talks about the fact that they want to make a change in the way dinner is done or the way maybe screen time is managed. They know they’re gonna get a lot of rolling eyes, they are probably going to get a lot of resistance when initiating these changes. They are not going to get, “Yes. We're so happy about this change. We love change.” And you know giving up bad habits or making changes is difficult.

So that's why you said we need to plan for support. We need to plan for disruptions, for turbulence, for kind of a back and forth process at times, and then work to normalize it.

And so these four steps (engaging, focusing, evoking, and planning) are important to remember as you go through changing something. Whether we name them exactly like this or not, they're throughout all models of change They will help you if you're in the midst of a change, or if there's a change that you're wanting to make. They will help you take initiative.

Holly: Yeah, that's our word for the week, initiative. I really like this because it's, it's what gets things going. It's like if you've been sitting on the seat thinking, “Maybe I should make a change.” The initiative part is like, “Okay, now I'm going to get up and I'm going to do something concrete.” Initiative is where it starts. I mean, if you don't take initiative, nothing will change. So it's an exciting word to me.

Scott: Thank you for that summary again. Part of planning is planning for imperfection, because one of the barriers to initiating change, is that we want it to, you know, just be perfect. We want it to go exactly the way we think it's going to go. But it’s important to remember that instead it’s really progress, not perfection.

We engage, we focus, we evolve, and we plan. And then we do it all over again. It's a cycle that we keep going through, learning all the time.

Holly: That’s a very important point.

Scott: We’re so honored to be on this journey with you. Again, we speak out of our expertise, and as fellow travelers. Thanks for joining us on The Wellness Compass podcast this week. You can be in touch with us through our website or on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative. And until we gather again, may be healthy, you may be happy and may you feel a little more confident in initiating change for yourself, for your relationships, your family, or your organization.

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Scott: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Scott Stoner, and you'll be hearing from Holly, my partner in life and work, in just a moment. This is episode three of season three, Episode 79 since we started this podcast, if you're keeping score at home. We’re here each and every week to help you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and greater intention, which is one of our main objectives for the larger Wellness Compass Initiative and in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Learn more about our other offerings at wellnesscompass.org. This year during each episode we're choosing a word to build the episode around. And Holly, what is that word for this week and why do we choose it?

Holly: Well, it's compass. Last week we did wellness. We thought it made sense as that's the name of our podcast, Wellness Compass. So we thought we'd kind of explain what we think about when we refer to a compass.

I decided I wanted to look up a little bit about the history of compasses because I like history. And my research reveals that it's still considered one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humankind! Apparently long ago, thousands and thousands of years ago, people were getting lost every time it was foggy, or it was windy and raining, and people couldn't see the landmarks. People would get lost and out at sea and they'd end up in places where they had not planned on going at all.

So in about the 11th or 12th century in China, somebody figured out that they could use a magnetic spoon placed in a bowl of water, and it would always point the same direction. Eventually they figured out a way to use this a navigational tool. This compass could be used to help them know which way they were headed, even in the fog and rain. And it really changed everything.

If you know anything about world history, you know, right around that time is when a lot of important discoveries were being made. And this one was a huge one as it helped explorers and travelers everywhere to navigate their way more efficiently.

But we're not really interested in ancient navigation tools. What we're interested in is tools that help us navigate our lives today. And so when we talk about Compass, we're talking about the compasses we have available to us that help us decide where we're going, so that we don't get lost along the way as well. And one of the main things that we consider or think of as a compass is our core values, because those help us figure out which way to go.

Scott: Our core values are like our true north, right? Yeah, True North doesn't change. If I'm out in the wilderness and I have a compass and I know I want to go, let's say east. My compass will help me identify the direction I need to head, but it won't give me the path. I'm going to have to start walking in the path and I may come up against a river. I may come up against a cliff, and I'm going to have to maybe go south for a little bit and then, you know, go around it until I'm going east again. But east doesn't change and north doesn't change. The compass gives me my direction but I've got to figure out how to make my path. So our core values are like that, they help us identify which direction to go.

I think of it, for example, being applicable in family life. Being marriage and family therapists we work with lots with couples and families around communication and having difficult conversations. As an example, if someone needs to have an important conversation with someone they love and care about, you know, or let's say there's a conflict and let's say there’s, been some injury or some misunderstanding, we need to be reminded of our compass, of our core values as a to orient ourselves in that conversation.

My core values are things like love and compassion, humility, forgiveness. Those are my core values. And if I can keep those in mind they will guide me on the path and will guide how I approach the conversation. If I don't keep those in mind, I may get hooked and I may all of a sudden be acting out, or fall into defending my ego. I may want to score points and to be right.

Those are not my core values, to defend my ego and to be right or to put another person down. That's not my best self. Certainly that's my reactive self. That's my injured self. That's my emotionally flooded self. So our compasses or values, function you know, as guides for us. As you were saying before, in the ancient days, the storms would come in bringing fog and clouds, people couldn't use the stars, they couldn't use their landmarks and they would get lost. Once the compass was invented though, they had help even in those stormy conditions. And that's the same with our core values, when stormy things are going on in their lives, when there's change, when there's loss, our core values can help us determine which way to go.

Now, I just want to say quickly that also the word compass is in the word encompass. It can also mean to surround like a circle. In our Wellness Compass Model of Well-being, we encompass eight areas of wellness. If you go on our website and look at our compass and our eight areas of wellness, you'll see it as a holistic all encompassing approach. So we're really using both meanings of compass. Our tools and our resources help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness. And we encompass a holistic approach of eight areas of wellness.

Holly: You know, I was thinking when we were talking about the landmarks, about a conversation I had recently with two women who are recent widows, and they were saying that it feels like there are no landmarks for them to orient themselves. Their children are grown up, their spouses are not there, and they are retired so they don't quite know where to live. They know the homes they're living in currently aren’t really suited for just one person, but they don't know where to go. I talk to other people where there's an illness of their own, or a child is sick or something. They're just people who are not sure where to turn. You've heard that phrase, “I'm not sure where to turn? Which direction should I go? What should I do?”

And so these women were trying to slow themselves down a little bit and think about, “What's most important to me at this point in my life?” In other words, what’s their compass? What are their values that will help them decide?

You know, they both agreed they wanted to be stay in the local area, but even then there was a lot of uncertainty about exactly where to go and what should they do with their time. And so their values were coming up. The things that they really cared about were the things that they were going to start spending their time on.

So, you know, I am talking about these ancient navigators, which is fine. It's interesting to me, but we are all kind of without a compass a birth. You come into life, you grow up and then often you don't know exactly where you're supposed to go. Eventually we figure out our skills and talents and passions. Those things can help us figure out where to go and what kind of life we want to create.

Scott: And for those individuals and for me, for any of us, when we do have big life changes it, it can be overwhelming. When that happens one of the things that's important to come back to is, again, our core values, our true North, because that doesn't change. What what has changed is how we express that. So if a core values are love and community and connection, and then we lose a spouse or we lose a relationship or someone moves away, we lose a dear friend, lose a job, we must try to nurture those things in new ways.

I remember working with a man who had retired and he was feeling a sense of being lost because his work had been so important to him. He began to realize that one of the things he loved most about his work was mentoring younger people. You see, as he achieved some seniority in his field, he did a lot of mentoring. That gave him the clue about what he wanted to do in retirement. He decided he would find some volunteer opportunities that would allow him to still be a mentor, but in a different way. So he got involved in a local after school program, helping students with homework and reading. This man’s core values didn't change, but how he expressed them did. Our direction is always changing and determining where we are going is an ongoing journey.

And sometime we have to along the journey see if we are still letting our values guide us and leading us in the right direction and if not recalculate our route. Sometimes we get off track, but our core values can help us to recalculate how we want to get back on track.

Holly: I was going to say the other thing besides our core values are our core passions. You know, what are the things that we're kind of good at? Everybody's got different gifts. Everybody has different things that are really interesting to them, things that they might want to do more of. So it's core values your passions and talents. What can you contribute or do in the now that might help you find your way through the times of fog and and rainy days.

Scott: I love that core values as well as core passions are important compasses. That is so very true.

We are so honored to be on this journey of wholeness with you all. Even though we have some expertise and decades of experience, we're also fellow travelers trying to continue to use our core values as our compass, and to the practice the same thing we're teaching here, navigating our lives with awareness and intention.

Again, you can reach out to us on our Facebook page, just search for Wellness Compass and our website is wellnesscompass.org and you can email us there as well.

Until we gather again, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be clear about your compass and how it can help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness.

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Please note: What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Learn." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we are in our third season of this podcast. This is our second episode of season three. And this year, what we've decided to do is choose a word, a single word, that we want to focus on during our episode, one that has something to do with wellness and gives us something to think about so we can all be, you know, kind of be working towards greater wellness for ourselves.

And today and next week’s word are going to kind of go together. We're going to use the title of this podcast, Wellness Compass, and kind of explore first of all, what we talking about when we say wellness. And then next week we'll talk about why do we use that word compass. What does that have to do with anything? So just like I said this show today will be about wellness. Scott, do you want to talk a little bit about what we're thinking about when we talk about that?

Scott: Sure. Last week we talked about the word “learn” as everyone was going back to school and starting a new kind of school year, that is the season we are in. We talked about learn then and so that's a natural segue into wellness for this week because wellness to me is about continuing to learn as we go through the life cycle.

What does it mean to be well, what are the things that I can do today to enhance my wellbeing? Everything we do with all of our materials, not just our podcast, but our overall nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative, is equip people with the awareness, the intention, the education, the tools to both become more aware of their wellbeing. We do this in eight areas of wellness, always helping others to decide what they can do to grow and enhance their well-being. So we're kind of lifelong learners. You see wellness is a journey. It's not a destination, it's an ongoing choice and an ongoing lifestyle. You know, we often refer to our wellness as a garden. It's something that we need to continue to tend to so we can continue to grow healthy and beautiful things.

Holly: Yeah, In fact, so we talk about watering areas of wellness, we also talk about pulling out weeds. You know, there are things that can crowd out good plants. And we also, if we have some bad habits, those would be like the weeds. There might be some weeds we want to get rid of to allow for greater wellness in our lives. So in terms of wellness, which is our word this week, I've got a list of five things that are all part of everyone's day to day activities. And the more we practice and do some of these simple things, the more wellness we will create.

The first one is connecting with other people, both developing and nurturing relationships that you have. Think of an old friend maybe you haven't talked to for a while. You know, maybe even give them a call instead of texting or messaging them. People laugh at me. They say I'm the only person that still calls anybody, but I like to hear people's voices. If I just message them I don't feel connected to them, really.

Scott: Some of the people I've been doing wellness coaching with have talked about how they have gotten into some bad habits or not bad habits really, they just got out of the habit of connecting with others because of COVID. Now they're realizing they haven’t stayed connected. They have to kind of, you know, redevelop some of those connecting muscles. They have to put themselves out there either to restore some connections or maybe try some whole new connections. But social and emotional connecting community is essential to wellness.

Holly: So, you know, if you're a person that is feeling that, maybe you need some more connections you might ask yourself, “What kinds of things can I do to better connect with others? How could I reach out? How could I connect with other people?”

Scott: The most common coaching question we always ask is “What's one thing you could do this week to enhance that dimension of wellness?” So, it’s a good question to ask here.

Holly: Exactly. Okay, so that's the first one Connect. The second one is being active. And so some people think, Oh, I've got to go walking or running but I don't really like that. But the most helpful idea of being active is finding something that you like. Maybe it is walking or running, but maybe it's swimming, maybe it's water fitness. What active thing do you love doing?

Scott: I know you love water fitness!

Holly: Oh my gosh, it is so much fun that it doesn't feel like a chore when I do it because I like it so much. That's the key. Yes, because it really helps us physically and mentally. So it’s really a two for one.

So connecting, being active. And the third one is to keep learning. First of all, it's fun as we human beings are learning machines, I believe. But we also get a sense of achievement when we learn something new. We can share it with other people. It can make us more confident. To learn something some people sign up for a class, maybe they have found some online thing they can do, maybe they found something going on at their local library, but just find something to keep learning. What have you always wanted to lean more about? Learning is another really great way to continue to advance your wellness.

A fourth one is giving back. And this is like being a volunteer, helping or giving to other people. It could be as easy as just giving somebody a smile.

Scott: And exactly. We have it as a wellness component in our wellness compass as one of the areas, spirituality. And giving back to me touches on that. It's about a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, a sense of giving back to the world again. I said earlier that wellness is a lifelong journey, and we notice this especially in the second half of life, purpose and meaning and spirituality, giving back to the world becomes an essential ingredient in our wellbeing.

Holly: Absolutely because if you don't feel like you've contributed, it can make people feel kind of bad or even depressed. And there are places everywhere in the world that need help, so there's room for everybody to have something to give. And then the last one is being aware of the world around you, taking notice of it, being aware of your feelings, your thoughts, just taking notice of the world within you and around you. This could even include, I'm thinking right now about the seasons changing, just getting outside and being observant, taking in the moment can be very meaningful.

Scott: And to this, you know, Socrates said over 2000 years ago, the unexamined life is not worth living. I mean, that sounds a little harsh, but it, you know, got our attention and we still remember the quote.

But our point is that you get to continue to grow in self-awareness and do it with self-compassion. That's one of the key things I want to say to each of our listeners and to myself, that because often when you think about wellness, when people think, “Oh, you know, I haven't been doing this, I haven't known that,” and it becomes kind of negative and critical and shame based. And that's the last thing we want. We don't want to have an ounce of that.

Wellness is about self-compassion. It's about self-care, it's about self-love. It's like if you think of someone, a friend or a child or a partner or someone you love and really care about, you want to nurture their well-being. You don't want to lecture them, you don't want to judge them. You want to you approach them with compassion.

We want to offer that same compassion to ourselves because that is how well-being, that's part of well-being is self-love and self-compassion so we can grow into the people that we want to be. But self-awareness is such a key part of that. That's why we all of our programs involve some kind of guided self-assess, self-reflection. If you were going to grow a garden and you had a yard or you had a plot that you were renting somewhere, you would need to take an inventory. “How is the soil? What does the soil need? What shape is the soil in right now? Does it need weeding? Does it need some nutrients? Does it need some fertilizer? How are we going to get sunshine and water?” You start with, you know, looking at what is, and then how do I grow from there? And what do I want to grow?

A very common question I ask a person I’m coaching is, “What is one thing that either if you have more of, or did less of right now that would enhance your wellness?” And you know what? Every single person always has an answer. You have an answer to that question too. And I invite you to think about that question. What you can do either more of or a less of to enhance some aspect of your wellness?

Holly: And I'm just going to repeat those five things because they might help you think about what's one thing you could do. One of the things that I really like about these is that none of them really cost anything. You can do all of these at no cost. Maybe they will cost you time, and even some energy. But that's it.

So the first one is connecting. Connect with others. Being active. Keep learning. Give to others. and Take Notice.

Scott: Speaking of connecting with others, we are so glad to be connected with you and that you're connecting with us. You can do that through our Facebook page as well, The Wellness Compass Facebook Page. Just search for Wellness Compass. We will post this episode there as well as the transcription of this podcast. And we will and you can comment and let us know what that one thing is that you're going to do to water your well-being.

So again, we are honored to be on this journey with you. You can reach out to us through our website, wellnesscompass.org. Next week we will talk about the word Compass which will be our word for next week.

Until then may you be well, may you be happy, maybe healthy, and may you do one thing to enhance your own wellness this coming week.

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Scott: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass Podcast, episode one of season three. My name is Scott Stoner. It's good to be back with you. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with several decades, four decades now, of experience in helping individuals, couples, and families. And I'm a co-creator of this podcast and the Wellness Compass Initiative, which you can learn about at wellnesscompass.org. So if I'm a CO, there must be another CO and I'd like to invite my CO and wife not just in work but in life to introduce herself.

Holly: Yeah, I am the other half of the CO and my name is Holly Hughes Stoner. Scott and I are both marriage and family therapists. We also happen to be married to each other.

Scott: We're a couple of marriage and family therapists. (laughter)

Holly: I always thought Scott was kind of funny. (laughter)

Scott: Was kind of funny? (laughter)

Holly: We've decided that what we're going to do this year is start each episode with a word that has something to do with wellbeing. Since this is the beginning of the school year for millions of people, teachers, and students alike, this week our word is LEARN. Scott, Do you want to tell them a little bit more about what we're thinking?

Scott: Well, it is back to school time. Whether you're going back to school or you know somebody who is going back to school you are impacted. But actually we're all going back to school, because we're all lifelong learners.

The topic of this podcast and of our initiative is the journey towards personal and family wellness. And because we are always in school in one way or another, I love working in this field. I am a lifelong learner and all the research I do is really "me"- search. And so we're all learning, if we're open to learning. And what we do with this podcast each week is invite you to take 10 minutes. We're going to focus our episodes to 10 minutes this year, this season, with the hopes of helping you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and intention.

So with the wordLEARN as our focus this week, it got me thinking about when I was back in school, especially in grade school. When I look at that time back then, I realize I probably would have been diagnosed with ADHD. I had a lot of energy and so I was constantly being reprimanded for either not listening, or not paying attention. Now I'm happy to say that I've gotten a little better at that as I've aged.

And I think those two ingredients, now I'm talking to you and me and all of us listening to this podcast, those two things, listening and paying attention, are key habits to being learners on this path of wellness as well.

So I invite you, as you walk through the week ahead, to pay attention to what might be around you, ready to teach you something. And listen closely. Maybe you're going to listen to your body. Or you're going to listen to someone particular in your life in a different way, or you're going to put more intention into listening you're going to meet a stranger this week. You're going to listen to something. You're going to pay attention in a way that is going to help you learn something and support you on that journey. That's one thing that comes to my mind is I think of myself walking through the week ahead with the word LEARN.

Holly: Some of our listeners might know this about me, because I've mentioned this on the show before, but I was a teacher for a long time in the classroom and paying attention and concentrating are really important things. Two other important things I can think of are wonder and curiosity. Students who are full of wonder, wondering what's going on around them, just wanting to find out more are very curious about the world. Those things really help a student and it also helps us as adults as well. And so I try to in my life, try to be full of wonder and curiosity.

And so this week (and first of all I love summer as it is my favorite time of year) I was feeling sort of sad. I always feel this way in early September because everybody's back to being busy, cool breezes are coming in, and all the summer fun is over. And so this week I was sitting on a bench in a park near our home and was kind of feeling sad that the summer was over, as were all the freedoms that summer allows us. And I was being trying to be curious about what that was all about when all of a sudden, bam, right on my head, a huge hickory nut landed. Actually, it hit me on the corner of my glasses and knocked them on the ground and it hurt. And I was initially kind of annoyed with this happening because I'd been having such a nice time sitting there.

But then I tried to summon some of my curiosity and wonder and I thought, you know, that tree is letting go of that

hickory nut, and it's teaching me something. When we talk about learning, you know I thought, "What can I learn from that tree that has just let go of that nut?"

And in the spring, as it sat there in the spring as well, that same tree was flowering as it was in a different stage of life. But right now it's the end of summer and it's time to let go. And there was the lesson I needed right at that moment. It was like, okay, now it's time to let go of summer and to step into what's coming next. So that's what I learned.

Scott: I love that. And in that case, that hickory nut, the hickory tree, was your teacher. One of the things kids have on their mind, you know, this time of year is, (when they get the letter, or where they get it now, maybe email or a phone call) is "Who's your teacher?" You know, you talk to your friends, to find out who's their teacher, and for you that hickory nut and that tree, was your teacher. And so often I know for me nature is my teacher.

And I love what you said about the sense of wonder and curiosity as you sat there with your sadness and just were, you know, allowing yourself to feel it being open to letting it teach you something, and all of a sudden, you got a lesson.

Holly: Well, and I, I did initially get annoyed and it hurt and it knocked my glasses off. Actually I'm going to take them into the store and see if they can do something about them as they're kind of nicked. And I, I could have just been irritated and just gotten up and left. But I had been sitting there on purpose, kind of trying to be present to the beauty of the day and all that sort of stuff. And so I also had to pay attention to what I was paying attention to. I could have just been annoyed. But it was a beautiful day and this thing did accidentally land and hit me on the head. So I had to move on beyond just the anger and try to learn something from what had happened instead of just going mad.

Scott: Well, so sometimes the lessons we learn in life are painful, right? And upsetting at first. And after all, you were sitting under the tree. The tree didn't plan this. It's not like the tree came, went out of its way to drop it's nut on you.

When we have lessons, we're learning some of life's lessons, especially in the second half of life, a lot of learning has to do with letting go. It's interesting that you were talking about that as letting go is painful.

And so sometimes we can avoid learning. We can avoid a lesson because we're trying to avoid pain. We're trying to avoid some kind of discomfort. And if you think about it all learning, (if you think back to when you were in school, if you signed up for a course, that's a hard course and maybe stretches you) is going to be hard. It's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be discouraging at first before it becomes easy. Maybe if you hang in there and learn, it's going to become encouraging. So letting go is certainly one of those life lessons that can be hard.

So you mentioned curiosity. Wonder nature. I talked about paying attention and listening.

Hopefully, these thoughts will help you as you walk through the week ahead and think about, "What is there for me to learn? What can I bring to my awareness? What am I feeling? What am I?

Maybe what's a personal challenge right now, either in my personal or family awareness? And what am I open to learning in the midst of that? That's what we invite you to do. We're creating a community with this podcast. We'd love to hear from you when you walk through the week ahead. Now with the word learning, what are you learning? What? Who are your teachers? What are you listening to? What are you paying attention to? What's wonder?

You can email us, but better yet, find our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Facebook page. . And like it. And this podcast will be there with that word and let us know what you're learning. You'll inspire us. You'll inspire one another. And that's what we do in community, because this really is one of the reasons we create this community, is because we all learn together.

Holly: Right. And one thing I was just going to say is that we haven't mentioned too much, is that we have something called the Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing, which is on our website, WellnessCompass.org. And it's a way to help you think about all the things that you might want to learn about yourself. So you might want to take a look at that. Just see if that sparks an interest in you as something you'd like to learn.

Scott: So school's open again. It's session one of season three, and we're delighted to have you in this classroom with us. And until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be at peace, as you walk through the week ahead with curiosity and wonder as you learn what life has to teach you right now.

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Self-Care and the Holidays: Less is More

In 1907 a young architect by the name of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe was working on a building design for his mentor Peter Behrens. When he presented several different designs to his mentor, Behrens's advice was to remember that, when designing a building, many times, "less is more."

The messages we receive during this holiday season are just the opposite. They are often some version of "more is more," as we are encouraged to buy more, do more, eat more, drink more, and want more. Our experience as therapists is that this can actually be a recipe for more stress and strife in ourselves and our relationships.

And so, as we enter the holiday season, we invite each of us to make choices about the kind of experiences we wish to design for ourselves, keeping in mind the advice that "less is more."

Making It Personal:

Are you feeling pressure to do more this time of year? What is one thing you wish to do less of during the next four weeks? Can you think of some way in which doing less could lead to enjoying more of what you want to experience this holiday season?

By D. Scott Stoner, LMFT & Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT

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Let Gratefulness Overflow Into Blessings

This week's column's title comes from one of my favorite videos. We have shared it in this column before, as it speaks so eloquently about the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

The video, which focuses on nature, beauty, and gratitude, brings the stunning photography of Louie Schwartzberg together with the spoken words of Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast. Brother David invites us to pay attention, really pay attention to the simple gifts and blessings of life that can be so quickly be taken for granted. He points out that paying attention to the wonder of nature and the wonder of the people we encounter in our life is the basis for authentic gratitude. We could not agree more.

You can view the video HERE: If you want to read along as Brother David speaks, the text of his words follows. His narration is spectacular, and so we highly recommend listening to him recite these words.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and in the words of Brother David, "May your gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you.”

“You think that this is just another day in your life. It's not just another day. It's the one day that is given to you - today. It's given to you. It's a gift. It's the only gift that you have right now. And the only appropriate response is gratefulness.

If you do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is. If you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well.

Begin by opening your eyes, and be surprised that you have eyes you can open to that incredible array of colors that is constantly offered to us for our pure enjoyment. Look at the sky. We so rarely look at the sky. We so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment, with clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather, and even with the weather we don't think of all the many nuances of weather. We just think of "good weather" and "bad weather."

This day, right now, with its unique weather, may be a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same as it is right now. Open your eyes. Look at that.

Look at the faces of people whom you meet. Each one has an incredible story behind their face, a story that you could never fully fathom. Not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors. We all go back so far.

And in this present moment on this day, all the people you meet, all that life from generations, and from so many places all over the world, flows together and meets you here like a life-giving water, if you only open your heart and drink.

Open your heart to the incredible gifts that civilization gives to us. You flip a switch, and there is electric light. You turn a faucet, and there is warm water, and cold water, and drinkable water, a gift that millions and millions in the world will never experience.

So these are just a few of an enormous number of gifts to which you can open your heart.

And so I am wishing you will open your heart to all these blessings and let them flow through you. Know that everyone you will meet on this day will be blessed by you, just by your eyes, by your smile, by your touch, just by your presence.

Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you. Then it will really be a good day.”

Words by Brother David Steindl-Rast

**Please note that we will be taking a week off as we travel for Thanksgiving. This column will resume in two weeks.

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Grateful Living

Grateful living is a beautiful prescription for how to live one's life. It is also the name of a nonprofit organization that we recommend you learn more about, a timely recommendation in this month where we focus on being thankful.

Grateful Living's mission statement, which you can find on their website www.grateful.org is worth reading slowly: "Grateful Living is a global nonprofit organization offering online and community-based educational programs and practices. Our offerings guide a commitment to the practice of Grateful Living and catalyze the transformative power of personal and societal responsibility. We hold Grateful Living as an engaged mindfulness practice, grounded in both wisdom and science, which supports our ability to see the wonder and opportunity in every moment, and motivates us to act boldly with love, generosity, and respect towards one another, ourselves, and the Earth."

Our Wellness Compass Initiative fully aligns with their mission as recent research has consistently shown a high correlation between gratitude practices and well-being.

For example, Harvard Health, the media and publishing division of Harvard Medical School, published a study regarding the importance of gratefulness. One group of people was asked to write about something every day for which they were grateful. A second group was asked to write about something every day that irritated them. They found the difference between the two groups "After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation. You can read about the research at Health.Harvard.edu. https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier

So as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, let's also pause to consider what it might mean to focus on grateful living, where practicing and expressing gratitude becomes not just a holiday tradition but also a regular part of our daily life.

Making It Personal Questions:

This week is Veteran's Day. It there a veteran in your life that you can thank for their service? Who else do you want to express gratitude to in your life right now?

In general, which comes easier for you—expressing irritation or gratitude?

Have you ever tried a gratitude practice where you write or share something you are grateful for on a daily basis? Are you willing to try that?

Are you ready to learn about other gratitude practices recommended by Grateful Living?

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Lessons Learned From Walking a Corn Maze

Have you ever been so stubbornly sure that you were right that you had difficulty changing your mind, even when you gained new information and it was clear that you were mistaken? Even when the rest of the people in your group gave you feedback that you were off track?

This was my (Scott’s) experience as I walked a corn maze with part of my extended family this past week. If you are not so fortunate as to live in a part of the country with corn mazes, you can learn more about them by visiting the Treinen Farm corn maze website that we walked this week in Lodi, Wisconsin (www.treinenfarm.com).

The maze was set up so that we started with just one of the eight sections of the map of the 600 x 400 yard maze. To get each additional section, we had to locate a mailbox within the maze on the map portion we had just received. I was sure I knew the way to the first mailbox and promptly got our group lost, even while insisting that I was right. Finally, there was no more denying our being off track, and I relinquished my role as navigator to those who clearly had a better sense of direction.

Being able to recognize when we are on the wrong path is often the prerequisite to discovering the right direction forward. It sounds simple in concept, but can be difficult in practice. Whether in a corn maze, or an argument we are having with a person we love, our need to be right can sometimes hurt ourselves and others. Fortunately, I could laugh at myself and create a space for all of us to take turns figuring out what was an incredibly challenging puzzle.

That leads to the second lesson we learned. Trust the wisdom in the group and let everyone’s voice be heard. Just as there were many pieces to the overall maze map, we often each hold a piece of wisdom that, when joined with others, creates a much fuller and healthy perspective.

A third lesson we learned is the importance of pausing and listening. Before entering the corn maze, we were told that when you feel like you have lost your bearings, stop and listen to where the road noise is coming from, as that will tell you which direction is south. We benefited from that advice several times.

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being has eight wellness areas, one of which is spirituality. Spirituality helps us find or re-find our bearings when we are feeling off track. Spiritual practices like journaling, mindfulness, prayer, or time in nature help us to calm and re-center ourselves.

The final lesson we learned, also a spiritual lesson, is to focus on enjoying the journey and not just on the destination. At this point, I can’t even remember if we actually found all the pieces of the maze that we were so set on finding when we began. But I most definitely remember how much fun we had and how much laughter we shared. We have been sharing fun memories of our time in the maze with our grandkids all week, and none of those memories have to do with what we accomplished.

Who amongst hasn’t been sure we knew where we were heading, only to find out that we were completely wrong? We all get lost from time to time and need to pause, check our bearings, and adjust our courses. Admitting when we are off track, asking for help when we need it, and keeping a sense of humor in the process, will go a long way in helping us enjoy this journey we are all on together.

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OF PERMANENCE AND CHANGE

Fall has arrived in all its glory in the upper midwest. In addition to the stunning colors of the changing leaves, there are many reasons to love this season, including apple picking, corn mazes, playoff baseball, carving pumpkins, baking pies, and wearing your favorite sweater.

One additional reason we love fall is that it is a time when we find ourselves turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general. The poet Bonaro Overstreet captures this part of fall when he describes this time of year as "a symphony of permanence and change." Life is indeed an ongoing song of permanence and change, and taking time to honor both realities is essential.

It's not just the trees transitioning here in the northern hemisphere as the geese and other wildlife prepare for the coming winter months, as well. The geese and other animals move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and many other animals stay in place and create an internal transition, shifting their energy from external growth and creation to various expressions of internal protecting and stewarding.

We can all benefit from doing a similar kind of internal protecting and stewarding in the fall as we let go of what has been. Maybe a relationship, a job, or a dream for ourselves or others is changing. Perhaps it's time for us to let go of a grudge or expectation. No matter what is shifting for us, it will likely be an emotional undertaking, being hard, uncomfortable, and yet in some instances, even freeing.

A symphony of permanence and change, and the leaves remind us that it is possible to find beauty in both.

Making It Personal Questions:

Is there a significant change in your life that you are experiencing right now? If so, how are you experiencing this change? Excited? Sad? Angry? Worried? Are you comfortable experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions?
In this season of permanence and change, what remains constant for you? What do you hold on to? Is it your spirituality? Your values? Your core sense of who you are?

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Mindset Matters

Carol Dweck, a research psychologist at Stanford University, is well known for her work on exploring the differences between fixed and growth mindsets. Our column and podcast from last week focused on the power of the word yet, which was a simple way to understand the more complex concepts that this psychologist writes about.

"I can't constructively express my feelings when I am upset," is an example of a fixed mindset.

"I haven't learned how to express my feelings constructively yet" is an example of a growth mindset.

Here are a few other examples. These are some of the ones we often hear as therapists. Each pair of statements are an example of the two mindsets.

"I don't know how to say 'no' to my children."

"I am learning how to set clearer boundaries with my children."

"We don't talk about conflict in our relationship."

"We have been taking risks to address conflict when it comes up. It's quite awkward at this point, but we are learning."

"I am not an exerciser. Never have been and never will be."

"I have recently committed to walking three times a week, and while I wouldn't say it's a habit yet, but I'm curious about what the benefits might be for me."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I would never do something like that."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I'm going to talk to her and learn how it's helpful for her. Maybe I'll even try it myself."

"I think that people that disagree with me politically are usually ignorant and uninformed."

"I have some friends and family members who disagree with me politically, and I want to find a way to talk with them so that we can genuinely be curious and listen to each other. Maybe if we are respectful, we might even learn from or about why we think what we think."

"That's just the way I am. You are not going to change me now." (Usually said in response to some kind of criticism, such as being late, or impulsive, or drinking too much, or being unable to apologize.)

"While I know I _______(fill in the blank), I am working to be more open to changing and learning to be different because I see it hurts you and me."

We are not born with our mindsets. We form them in response to many influences over time. Often our mindsets are unconscious, and we are unaware that they powerfully influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As therapists, though, we often see that behind unhealthy habits and behaviors are unhealthy and fixed mindsets. This is why it is good to be able to examine our perspectives and honestly reflect on whether they are enhancing or limiting our well-being, and our relationships those we know and love.

Mindsets can be healthy and life-giving too. Core values such as honesty, kindness, love, and generosity ground our thoughts and actions in life-giving ways. It's only when we have a mindset that is hurting us, or others, that we want to be open to working to move that mindset from being fixed to adopting new ways of thinking that promote growth and change.

Making It Personal Questions:

Can you think of a time in the past when you, and/or a relationship in your life, benefited from you changing what had previously been a fixed mindset?
Do you feel a nudge to reflect on a mindset right now that might be limiting your well-being?
If you answered yes to number 2, what steps might you take right now to move to more of a growth mindset?

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The Power of Yet

Sometimes a small, three-letter word can make all the difference. To understand what we mean, note the difference between these two sentences.

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out.”

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out yet.”

The only difference is the word “yet.” Adding this critical word opens up possibility and hope. The first sentence states a fact, a statement that seems to be the end of the story, rather than the mid-point of a story that is still being written.

The this in the two sentences will be different for each of us. Here are the ones we typically hear in our work as marriage and family therapists and as wellness coaches.

“I feel a distance in my relationship with my friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/colleague and don’t know what to do to change this.”

“I don’t know how to change my unhealthy drinking patterns.”

“I am burned out in my work, and I can’t figure out a way to make a change.”

“My grief is overwhelming, and I have no idea how to create the next chapter in my life.”

“My child is now in middle school and I have no idea how to connect with them at this stage.”

Reread each of these sentences now and add the word yet to the end. Adding this small, but powerful word helps people move, in the words of author and researcher Carol Dweck, from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.

Each challenge mentioned above is significant, and is not quickly resolved by simply adding the word yet. And yet (so to speak!), without that vital word, we will lack the mindset needed to keep trying until we figure things out, as well as being open to asking for help from others.

Are you stuck right now in a loop of thinking that a particular concern in your life cannot change? The first step to getting unstuck might be to shift to a “yet mindset,” one that creates an opening for growth and change. And while you are at it, you might consider who you might reach out to help you with this shift.

Shifting your perspective on a challenge you are facing and reaching out to others for support can be difficult. Perhaps, though, this has been hard for you to do. Or, in the spirit of today’s column, …..it may be simply something you haven’t been able to do ……yet!

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In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner talk about how as marriage and family therapists and wellness coaches, the changes they often help people may seem quite ordinary, but in the end they often turn out to make an extraordinary difference.

Recently we were made aware of some wise advice from author William Martin shared for parents. Martin reminds us to celebrate the ordinary moments of life, for in so doing, we also realize that it is in those everyday moments that the extraordinary becomes known. His words are helpful not only for parents, but for all of us, so we would like to share them with you in this week's column.

Here is what Martin writes:

"Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself."

These words remind us of a quote from Mother Teresa. When Mother Teresa was doing her work of caring for lepers in India, she often had volunteers from around the world that would come and help. When it was time for the volunteers to return home, they would ask her, "How can we do something when we get home that is as extraordinary as what you are doing here?" Her response was simple and direct, "Not all of us can do great things, but we all can do small things with great love."

The small, ordinary things we do every day as parents, friends, partners, spouses, colleagues, and neighbors, especially when done with attentiveness and love, are what make life extraordinary.

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Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

We love hearing from our readers (and listeners of our podcast), so we were delighted to hear from many of you this week. Last week we wrote about the importance of listening to our inner teacher, and several readers wrote back sharing a similar challenge. They wrote about how when they pause long enough to listen to what their inner teacher might be saying to them, they end up hearing the loud and negative voice of their inner critic instead.

A good teacher, coach, or leader certainly, at times, needs to offer critique. The key is to provide it in a way that is growth-producing and not in a way that is shaming and diminishes a person’s confidence. The same is true with our inner critic. For example, if I agree to do a favor for a friend and then drop the ball and let my friend down, it’s healthy for me to critique myself and learn from what happened, but not to shame myself and forget about all of the times I have been there for them.

Curiosity is key to learning and growth. So in the example above, I can shift from criticism to becoming curious about why I didn’t follow through on my promise to my friend. By doing this, I might realize that I am busy and overwhelmed with too many tasks, or that I often say “yes” when I can’t or don’t want to, or I might have some other important insight. Burying myself in criticism will not help me learn or change.

When we shift our criticism to curiosity, it becomes an opportunity for our inner teacher to instruct us. This is good advice for relating to others as well. If we tweak the example above and imagine a scenario where a friend doesn’t follow through on something they committed to doing and lets us down., we can see that this wisdom also applies. We may at first feel angry and critical of our friend and want to distance ourselves from them. If we can work to shift to curiosity, though, we might wonder, “That’s not like them to drop the ball. I wonder what else might be happening in their life that caused this.” Such a thought may lead us to reach out and check in with our friend, which might strengthen our friendship.

Making it Personal Questions

Is there some way in which you are being too critical of yourself or someone else right now?
How might curiosity help you begin to shift to a place where you can learn, instead of judge?
What could you start to do this week to help you make that happen?

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Listening to Your Inner Teacher Welcome back to the second season of our Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We follow the school year schedule, and so this is the first column of our second season. We look forward to connecting with you weekly throughout the school year after taking the summer off. We are renewed and are excited to be back together with you, as we all seek to navigate our lives and our relationships with greater awareness and intention.

When we started our non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative fourteen years ago, our team never dreamed it would become what it is today. Tens of thousands of people all around the world now use our resources. We are honored to know and support so many people who care about their own wellness and about helping others with theirs.

In this season of students returning to school, we see our initiative, and all who use our resources, as one very large classroom, where we are all students and teachers seeking to learn how to live into greater wellness. While we each have many teachers from whom we can and do learn, each one of us has one special teacher that is the most important of all, and that is the inner teacher that resides in every one of us.

As therapists, when we work with individuals, couples, and families, we usually ask them in the first or second session, “What ideas do you already have about something different you want to do, or is there a change that if made would help you feel better?” When asked this question, people always have some sort of an answer, an answer that comes from listening to their inner teacher.

We have created several different self-assessment tools (adult, parent, and teen) that help people listen more closely to their lives. These self-assessments are meant to help us listen to the whispering of what our inner teacher is quietly saying to us. (If you are interested, you can find these self-assessments HERE and they are in English and Spanish).

Please feel free to invite others to join our Wellness Compass classroom as wellness is best learned and practiced in community. And most importantly, please remember to take time to listen to your (inner) teacher.

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"Gardening is therapy for me" is a comment we have heard more than once this spring, not just from avid gardeners, but from people just now getting into gardening as well. Many people first discovered the joy of gardening during time spent at home during the pandemic, and most have stayed with it. One study, in fact, reports that 18 million new people started gardening during the pandemic.

We are still celebrating May as Mental Health Awareness Month, and so it is worth noting the many aspects of wellness that gardening affects. In addition to being good "therapy," it positively impacts one's physical and spiritual well-being and often positively affects relationships and stress resilience as well.

This prompted us to do an informal survey of gardeners in the last few weeks. Here is a list of several things people identified regarding what they are learning through the act of gardening and how it affects their overall well-being.

*I'm learning patience and the ability to delay gratification.

*That planning ahead is both necessary and wise.

*There are factors we can control and many we cannot.

*You literally do reap what you sow.

*Our souls are nourished by creating and growing things.

*Physical labor and time outside are good for my mental health.

*It is good to remember the true source of our food and that food does not originate in a grocery store.

*I'm being reminded of the power of planting and nurturing seeds to create future good.

*The process is as satisfying as the outcome.

*Gardens create community. (shared by a person whose church hosts a garden for their community)

*At the same time, others reported that they love their "alone" time in their garden and that it brings them peace.

It's amazing and powerful to see what a small seed can grow into with watering and good soil!

*Gardening keeps me humble. (Did you know that the word "humble" is related to the word "humus," which means earth?)

Our informal survey reveals why interest in gardening is…..growing (we couldn't resist that one!) and how beneficial it is to our overall well-being.

Planting and tending seeds may not be the answer to all of life's problems, but applying the lessons we learn from doing so can go a long way in helping us grow our personal well-being and the well-being of our wider communities.

Making It Personal:

If you are a gardener, what lessons have you learned from your practice of growing things?
1. Looking back over your life, can you see where a seed you planted years ago continues to bear fruit in your life today?
1. Is there a seed, literal or metaphorical, that you want to plant right now in your life or your community?

*Please note that this weekly column and its weekly companion podcast will return the first Friday after Labor Day. We started this new mental health column and podcast right after Labor Day, 2021, and so this marks the end of our first "season." We will be taking the summer off to plant some new seeds for new projects and to take some time off for vacation.

We thank you for your support and feedback and, most importantly, for being on this journey of well-being together. Have a great summer and we will see you again in September.

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Growth Begins At The Edge of Our Comfort Zone

Many of us know someone who is graduating this spring. Perhaps you have been invited to a party to celebrate the graduate's achievement. Graduation is a rite of passage that merits celebrating an individual's perseverance in achieving their goals. Graduation is also a transition and rite of passage for loved ones closest to the graduate as they face a new chapter in their lives.

Amidst all the joy and celebration surrounding graduation, other emotions like anxiety and loss are often easy to overlook. We know and even expect that anxiety and loss are feelings that will accompany transitions that are neither planned nor desired, such as a sudden job loss, a death of a loved one, or a health crisis. The fact is, though, that even transitions that we plan and wish for can also create great feelings of anxiety and loss. Shifts of this kind include retirement, moving, getting married, starting a new job, welcoming a new member into the family, and graduation.

Positive transitions can also be challenging because, as with all significant life changes, they involve a person leaving what for them has been a comfort zone. Any time we step out of our comfort zone, we are bound to feel a whole range of emotions, from excitement to loss. Stepping out like this is the only way that growth can happen, and so that's why graduates and others desiring to grow are willing to take that step.

While we celebrate graduations in this month of May, we also continue to remember that it is Mental Health Awareness month. One way to bring these two together is to be intentional about supporting our graduates' mental health by anticipating, accepting, and normalizing the full range of emotions they and those closest to them may be experiencing.

An essential part of mental health awareness is helping people be more comfortable with the full range of feelings and emotions they are experiencing. A simple way to express the importance of being comfortable with emotions that we typically find unpleasant is the idea to "name it, claim it, frame it, and tame it." When we help graduates understand that, as with all meaningful life transitions, both pleasant and challenging emotions are a normal part of the experience, we provide them with a more expansive and helpful frame within which to name, claim, and tame the full range of emotions they are experiencing.

So to any graduates that may read this column, we celebrate you! Take time to honor your achievements and also take time to honor the full range of feelings you (and your loved ones) may be having as you step into the next stage of growth in your life.

Making It Personal:

Do you know a graduate that you can celebrate and support as they transition to the next stage of their lives? Are you currently in the midst of stepping out of a comfort zone in your life? If so, how can you best support your mental health and well-being through this time of transition?

**We also want to let you know that we will be taking a break this summer after next week's column and podcast. This will give us some time for vacation and the needed bandwidth to focus on a few other projects that need our attention. We will resume our weekly column and podcast right after Labor Day.

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Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Because we are both mental health professionals who co-direct a foundation that creates materials to support mental health, we often get invited to offer programs this month. Usually, these gatherings are for organizations that want to acknowledge and promote the importance of mental health, either for their employees or the people they serve.

We talk about many things in our presentations, including normalizing mental health challenges, seeking professional help, and understanding the enormous toll the pandemic has taken on almost everyone’s mental health.

There is one exercise we led a week ago during one of our presentations that we would like to share with you now. We introduce this exercise by saying that one of the most critical points of Mental Health Awareness Month is to remind each of us to be more proactive and pay greater attention to and care for our own mental health.

For this exercise, we invite the participants to create two lists of activities or habits with us. The first list is activities or habits that deplete or diminish their mental health, and the second is a list of activities that enhance their mental health. The group co-creates the lists right then during the presentation.

Topping the first list of things that diminish their mental health are usually things like: not getting enough sleep, too much time on social media and/or screens, complaining too much, drinking too much, binge-watching TV, any kind of numbing behavior, working too many hours, and spending too much time with negative people.

Topping the second list, things that enhance mental health usually are things like: spending time outside, time with pets, time with friends and family, meditation/mindfulness/prayer, good sleep habits, eating well, movement/exercise, yoga, journaling, knitting, reading spiritually uplifting material, asking for help when needed, and playing or listening to music.

The final step of the exercise is crucial. After the lists are created, we ask the participants, “By a show of hands, how many of you wish you spent less time doing the things on the first list?” Usually, about 90% of their hands go up. And when we ask how may wish they spent more time on the second list, not surprisingly, the response is the same.

The point of the exercise is that each of us usually knows what enhances and what depletes our mental health. So the problem is not knowing what to do, but being more aware of the need to prioritize our need to regularly cultivate and grow our mental health.

In many of our Wellness Compass resources and programs, we have a saying, “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.” To honor Mental Health Awareness month, let’s all be more aware of the importance of paying attention to and growing our mental health.
Making It Personal:

How comfortable are you talking about mental health, either your own, or listening to others talk about theirs? 2. What would be on your personal list of things that either diminish or enhance your mental health? 3. What’s one thing from your “positive list” that you could do today or in the next few days to prioritize your mental health?

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Family of Origin, Family of Creation

As we prepare to celebrate Mother’s Day, it seems like a good time to reflect on the two concepts of family of origin, and family of creation, topics that we talk about a great deal with people in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Our family of origin is the constellation of relationships in which we were raised. One way to think about it is that it is the school of life that we were enrolled in for the first eighteen years or so of our lives. We learned many life lessons in that school. Our teachers did their best to teach us what they knew.

When we work with clients, we hear the full range of reactions to what people experienced in their family of origin. Some want to take and repeat most things they experienced in that family. Others feel differently and commit to patterning their adult lives in ways that are not at all similar to how they were raised.

The concept of family of creation, on the other hand, is used to describe the web of relational bonds we form as adults. Children have little agency to change the patterns of the relational bonds in which they are raised. Adults, however, have much greater freedom to co-create the relational patterns in their lives. The relational bonds we form as adults are constantly evolving. And one of the gifts of growing older is that we can both nurture and deepen the relationships we currently have and embrace the many opportunities that emerge to form a continually expanding network of new relational bonds.

Research and experience teach us that we will tend to repeat the relational patterns we learned in childhood unless we make a conscious and intentional effort to change them. For example, suppose you or I were raised in an environment where conflict was never openly discussed, or was often denied or swept under the rug. In that case, we are likely to repeat that pattern in our adult relationships unless we make a conscious effort not to do so.

Last week we wrote about curiosity, and so it is in that spirit we invite you to take some time to reflect on the lessons you learned in your family of origin, and this week in particular, from the formative women in your life. Take a moment to celebrate the best of what you experienced and that you carry with you into your present life. Also, please take a moment to observe how you have added to those lessons, or perhaps even let some of them go as you have chosen to do things quite differently from how you were raised.

And finally, be sure to take a moment to remember and appreciate the women who have been your teachers in this school we call life.

Making It Personal:

What are some of the most valuable lessons you learned in your family of origin that continue to inform who you are today?
What ways have you evolved that are different from what you experienced in your family of origin?
What opportunities are being presented to you right now to change or create new patterns in the relationships in your life?

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Be an Encourager

With the weather turning warmer, we got our bikes out of the garage this week to go for a ride. We were so excited to get going that it wasn’t until we were a few blocks from home that we realized that our tires needed air. We returned home, pumped up the tires, and wow, what a difference it made both in comfort and ease of effort.

Because we are both family therapists and we think about stuff like this, when we returned from our ride, we joked about how our experience with pumping up our tires was a metaphor for the power of encouraging one another. Any of us can use a little air in our tires, a little extra encouragement from time to time, to make our travels a bit less bumpy. Just as over a long winter, the air slowly leaks out of bike tires, life itself can slowly deflate our self-esteem and sense of well-being. When this happens, expressions of encouragement can go a long way in pumping up our emotional “tires.”

Be an encourager. The first three words in the quote in the box above by Dave Willis are so simple that it would be easy to miss their power. Offering encouraging words to your child, partner, friend, colleague, family member, or even a stranger, is so simple, and we can often see the positive effect immediately. It’s that easy and that powerful.

The word “courage” derives from the same root as the Latin word for heart, “cor,’ and in Old French, the word “corage.” The prefix “en” means “to cause to be in,” or “to put in” and so together we can see that to encourage another person means to put heart into that person. Think of that the next time you text someone a heart emoji, a beautiful and simple expression of love and encouragement. Think of it also the next time you give a bit of your heart to someone who is in need of your support.

Your encouragement might be just the air they need in their tires to make their ride just a little smoother and easier right now.

Making It Personal.

Is there someone in your life who could use some encouragement right now? Think of something specific you could do or say.
How could you be more accepting and encouraging of yourself? Again, think of something specific.

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Hope Amidst the Mud

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree swings in temperature that often occur day-to-day, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine.

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine and closer to home can create enormous swings of emotions in us day to day, or even hour to hour.

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and our research that the presence of hope within a person has a profound effect on their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and on their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering.

We believe that hope is like a muscle, it is not something that we either have or don't have, but instead, it is something that can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality.

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe.

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; instead, it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column, we talk about some practices that nurture hope. (See the link below to listen to the podcast ).

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it.

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do right now to nourish your spirit and sense of hope?

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We invite you to bring to mind a person who creates positive and life-giving energy for you. This could be a person from your present life or your past; a friend, a family member, a classmate, or a colleague. The person might be living or may have passed away. Bring that person to mind and pause for a moment to experience what it feels like to remember that person.

Today we are focusing on the concept of an "emotional wake." One way to understand this concept is to realize that what you were feeling just a moment ago when you remembered the person who has had a positive effect on you is that you were experiencing the emotional wake they have created in your life. 

A boat traveling across the water leaves a wake as it leaves a trail of stirred-up water behind it. Similarly, we all leave an emotional wake as we interact with others, stirring up emotions in those around us. Those emotions can be positive, neutral, or negative. It is important to be aware of and take responsibility for the emotional wake we radiate out to others.  

This subject got us thinking back to a time when we were out enjoying an afternoon in our canoe, and a ski boat came close to us at a high rate of speed. The wake created by the boat was annoying enough, but what was probably even more upsetting to us was that the boater seemed to be oblivious to the wake they were making and that their action had almost tipped us over. This experience reminded us that the emotional wakes we create can also impact others without our even being aware. 

On the twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column (click the link below to listen), we talk about what we have learned from our experience to help ensure that we create a positive emotional wake in our interactions with others. In summary, we mention being aware of others' feelings, being a good listener who is encouraging and kind, being fully present (putting away distractions), being appreciative of others, and having a positive, hopeful attitude. And as we say on the podcast, no one person has these qualities all the time, but creating a positive emotional wake involves being aware of the impact we are having on those around us and being intentional about the energy we put out into the world.

Making It Personal (prompts to enhance your personal and relational well-being).

When you think of someone who has left a positive emotional wake in your life, what can you learn from what they did to create that feeling?
In general, what kind of overall emotional wake do you think you are creating most of the time?
Based on your answer to #2, is there anything you want to do differently going forward?

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Life is a dance of letting go and holding on, a lesson I (Holly) learned again recently when my “second mom,” Judy or Mom, passed away peacefully at the age of 91. I call her my second mom because my creation mom passed away from cancer when I was eight, and Judy came into my life a year later when she married my dad. After all these years, I have come to realize that no matter how many times, and ways, we have done the dance of letting go and holding on, it is always difficult. Yet, at the same time, there is an opportunity for us to learn much in the midst of such difficulty.

Mom taught me a great deal about how to let go with grace. She accepted her gradual diminishment over the last year of her life without complaining. She didn’t hide her suffering but was always sure to frame it in a larger context, as she continuously reminded all who visited just how much she was grateful for in all the ups and downs that she had experienced in her long life.

Holding on may seem like the opposite of letting go, and it is often. But there are also times when letting go and holding on are happening simultaneously, which our family experienced with Mom’s passing. As she accepted that she was dying and let go of her final beloved possessions and any measures to prolong her life, she also held fast to her faith, her family, and her cherished memories and many, many fascinating stories.

And as we now let her go, we at the same time hold on to every memory and story she shared with us over so many years.

The pandemic has given us plenty of opportunities and challenges to practice letting go. Some of us have lost loved ones to COVID. We all have had to let go of something, be it a person, job, routine, plan, or something else. Sometimes we have chosen to let go; other times, we have been given no choice but to do so. And at the same time, many of us have found ourselves clarifying and holding on more strongly to what matters most to us.

As we write this, winter is gradually letting go of its grip here in Wisconsin, where we live. This helps us to remember that to everything, there is a season…a season to let go and a season to hold on…and sometimes, a season to do both.

Making It Personal:

Do you find yourself having to let go of something right now?
Do you find yourself wanting to or choosing to let go of something right now?
In the midst of things you are letting go of, what do you find yourself needing and wanting to hold on to more firmly?

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The quote above dreams of a time when we finally come to recognize that the power of love is greater than the love of power. With the horror of what's going on in Ukraine right now, this reality may seem far off. And yet, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, we still believe that the arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends toward love, justice, and peace.

Many of us are privileged to have never experienced the devastating violence of war, yet are impacted by it nevertheless. And so, in such times, we turn to the wisdom of spiritual leaders, those whose faith has been tested by the trials of war and violence, for solace and hope. Two such spiritual leaders passed away this past year, who lived through violent times in their own countries, Thich Nhat Hanh and Desmond Tutu. When these two spiritual teachers spoke of the power of love being greater than the love of power, we listened. We invite you too, to hear what they have to say.

"Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other." Desmond Tutu

"Human beings are not our enemy. Our enemy is not the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit."

Thich Nhat Hanh.

The two of us are marriage and family therapists. While we can't speak with any authority about world affairs, we can speak from our decades of experience as teachers and therapists about what contributes to conflict and peace. When it comes to our personal and interpersonal wellness, the power of love is truly more potent than the love of power. Never is the love of power better than the power of love, be it in the intimacy of our homes and families, in our relationships at school or work, in our communities, our countries, and the world. Love and respect are the foundations of peace and well-being.

The universal reaction of horror to what is happening in Ukraine speaks of our knowing without question that the love of power is morally wrong. Our hope is that our outrage and sorrow can be a reminder for each of us to do our part in our corners of the universe, to be people who live by the power of love and not the love of power.

Making It Personal:

What speaks to you in the quote from Desmond Tutu and Thich Nhat Hanh?
What helps you choose the power of love rather than the love of power?
What concretely can you do this week to show those around you that you believe in the power of love?

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A Disney movie was the last place we expected to find powerful and profound insight about what happens when families avoid having difficult conversations. And yet that is just what we discovered when we recently sat down and watched their latest movie entitled, "Encanto."  

We promise not to share too many details about the movie, in case you haven't watched it yet. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may have heard the song "We Don't Talk About Bruno," one of the many popular tunes from the film. (You can listen to it HERE). The title of this song describes an all too common way people avoid difficult or unpleasant conversations, which is to adopt an attitude of "we don't talk about ……." In "Encanto," the reason for shunning the family member named Bruno is that he has dared to speak of things the family doesn't want to think about, let alone discuss. His family instead pretends that he doesn't exist, trying to ignore the problem rather than face the truth he has spoken.   I

t is not unusual for groups of people (families, friends, organizations, etc.) to have unwritten rules about things that should not be discussed. Some common examples are:  

"We don't talk about conflict,

"We don't talk about money,

"We don't talk about how much so and so drinks,

"We don't talk about our feelings, and "We don't talk about religion, sex, or politics."  

It is easy to internalize these unwritten rules as simply a given that can't be questioned if everyone silently agrees to follow them as a way of keeping a false sense of peace. The paradox is that not talking about something difficult usually makes it worse, as the suppressed emotions build in intensity. So not talking about conflict, for example, almost always guarantees the conflict will eventually spill out in a way that is likely hurtful to all involved.

We don't think it's too much of a spoiler to let you know that "Encanto" has a happy ending. After all, it is a Disney movie. The hopeful ending is made possible because the Madrigals (Bruno's family) learn to, in the words of the Brené Brown quote above, "Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters."  

It does indeed take courage to start such conversations. But if you have any doubt about the healing effects of taking such a risk, then make time soon to watch "Encanto." Before long, you too will be singing along with the soundtrack (written by Lin Manuel Miranda), and maybe, just maybe, you will find yourself becoming a little braver when it comes to talking about hard things.   Making It Personal:   Are you aware of any unwritten rules you have internalized about things that one should avoid discussing? Can you think of a time when you or someone you care about took the risk to start a difficult conversation? What did you learn from that experience? Is there a conversation you want to start with someone right now? If so, what is the first step you need to take to do so?

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What You Appreciate, Appreciates   A few weeks ago, we wrote about several specific things we can do to strengthen any relationship. One of the things we mentioned was the simple practice of showing appreciation. This week we want to expand a little more on this because we know that, while simple, it is easy to forget the importance of offering appreciation regularly and freely.   It is worth noting that the root for the word appreciation also serves as a root for the words precious, price, and praise. This helps us realize that when we praise someone, we help them feel precious and increase their sense of value and self-worth.   When we think of the act of showing appreciation, we find it helpful to think of a continuum. The person who has a habit of actively and regularly showing appreciation is on the far right side of the continuum. On the other end, the far left side is someone who is instead often critical and for whom depreciating others happens regularly. In the middle of the continuum—the neutral point—is a person who is neither appreciative nor critical. When we are at this neutral point, we are likely taking others for granted. In reality, we may feel appreciative of others but rarely make the effort to express it, so others never know.   Imagine taking a potted plant in a shady corner of the room and moving it in front of a southern-facing window on a bright sunny day. Soon you will see the plant stretching tall and opening up to the sunlight. Appreciation has the same effect on people. But don't just take our word for it. Try it yourself, and notice how gradually the person you are showing appreciation to opens up their heart to you and may even stand just a little bit taller.   Here are some examples of the principle of "what we appreciate, appreciates."   If we tell a child how precious they are to us simply because we want them to know how much we love them, we will likely see their face light up, if not their whole body.   If we let someone know we appreciate their efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.   If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for another, we encourage more acts of kindness.   When we call someone who is alone and who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and likely make their day.   We are sure you can think of additional examples from your own life of how "what we appreciate, appreciates," and we encourage you to do so.   We want to express how much we appreciate you! Thank you for reading our column each week (and for those who listen to our companion podcast, thank you also), and thank you for the feedback you often give to us. It means the world to us, and please know will never take that for granted.   Making It Personal Prompts: In general, where would you place yourself on the continuum of being critical—taking for granted (neutral)—being appreciative? Are you happy with your response? Can you think of a time when you experienced the power of appreciation—either when you expressed appreciation to someone else or when someone appreciated you? How did it feel? Is there a specific person in your life that you would like to offer more appreciation to right now?

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The Gift of Listening

Last week's column talked about the importance of nurturing our relationships on a regular basis, remembering that the "grass is always greener where we water it." We talked about three specific ways to strengthen any relationship: listening, expressing appreciation, and making time to play and have fun together. This week's column focuses on the gift of listening.

Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed, just like any other skill. With attention and intention, we can all become better listeners. In high school and college, we both remember how we attended several classes which focused on public speaking, but neither of us can recall a class that focused on being a better listener.

If we have any doubt about how valuable the gift of listening is, we only need to remember back to a time when someone extended the gift of deep, authentic listening to us. This may have been a time when someone listened not just to our words but the feelings beneath the words. How did that feel? Chances are, we felt like our spirits had been lifted, and both our well-being and our relationship with the person who offered us the gift of listening were both a bit greener due to this watering we were given.

Because we are marriage and family therapists, people reach out to us to talk about what's on their minds. During the pandemic, people have often said, "I don't expect you or anyone else to solve my challenges. And I don't need advice or superficial positivity. Mostly I just need someone to listen. I want to feel heard and understood." Don't we all long for this?

Valentines Day has come and gone, and the need to nurture and care for our relationships with our friends, families, colleagues, and neighbors remains. And one of the best ways any of us can do that is to offer others the simple gift of deep and authentic listening.

Making It Personal (We offer these prompts to help you listen more deeply to what emerges for you as you reflect on what you have read).

Are you aware of any habits that interfere with you being a good listener, such as interrupting, giving advice, being distracted by screens, or multitasking?
What's one thing you could do differently to be a better listener?
To whom might you work at being a better listener this week?

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The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is only natural to reflect on the relationships in our lives, and not just romantic relationships, but on all of our life-nurturing connections. As marriage and family therapists, we talk with people regularly about repairing and strengthening their connections with others, and we know that few things impact the quality of our lives more than the health of our relationships.

One of our favorite sayings about relationships is the quote above, “The grass is always greener where we water it.” The wisdom of this saying is that we are wise not to focus on finding greener pastures somewhere else, but instead to nurture and grow the vitality of the relationships we already have. This wisdom applies to caring for all areas of our lives, including our spiritual lives, the work we do in the world, caring for our bodies, as well as our actual gardens! Because like a garden, all relationships require regular watering and attention.

Here are three concrete ways we know water our connections with others. As you read these, you might find yourself thinking about a specific relationship that you would like to water right now.

These three ideas are quite simple yet essential in maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. The simple act of doing these three things on a regular basis will have a profound positive effect on any and all of our relationships.

The first is to show regular appreciation for and to the people we care about. No one has probably ever been wrong when they have said, “I sometimes take you and what you do for granted and don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you.” Don’t just take our word about the power of appreciation. Try it today with someone and notice the immediate effect it has.

A second thing we can do to strengthen our connection with others is to be better listeners. On the weekly podcast that is a companion to this column, Holly tells a beautiful story of a time when her grandparents offered her a timely gift of listening when she was working as a student-teacher back in college. Even though this experience happened over forty years ago, you can tell when you listen to her talk about it just how important that gift of listening was for her, and how lovingly she still remembers it. Listening means that much to us.

Our last suggestion for watering our relationship is to remember the importance of having fun together. Play is not a nice “extra” in a relationship, but is essential to keeping relationships energized. Recreation is another word for play. We like to think of the word as “re-creation.” Every relationship we have created in our lives will benefit from intentional times of “re-creation” and reconnecting.

As we said, each of these three ideas is so simple, even obvious. What is not so simple is remembering to make them a regular habit. Good for you if these are already regular habits in your close relationships. If not, there is no time like today to make a new start, remembering that the grass is always greener where we water it.

Making It Personal Questions:

Is there someone, in particular, to whom you want to express more appreciation right now? How will you do that?
Is there someone to whom you want to more fully offer the gift of listening? When and how will you offer that gift?
What kind of fun activity might you want to plan with a family member or friend in the next week or so that would create positive and re-creative energy?

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In this episode, we complete our six-part series on understanding the process of growth and change by reflecting on a paraphrase of the opening words of the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr.   "Seek the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference."   The first five columns in this series (and accompanying podcast episodes) have been focused more on "the courage to change the things you can." This final column focuses more on the first part of the prayer, "the serenity to accept the things you cannot change."   One of the most influential spiritual teachers of our day passed away a few weeks ago. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote over thirty books about the practices of love, peace, and mindfulness. He is perhaps the person most responsible for introducing the benefits of mindfulness to the West, having first come and taught in the United States in the 1960s. He was a close friend of Martin Luther King and Thomas Merton. He taught and modeled the principles of love, peace, and serenity to all, never wanting to convert anyone to his Buddhist faith, but always wanting to help people live more fully the teachings of their own faith. For us, Thich Nhat Hahn's particular gift was his ability to fully acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists in the world and yet, at the same time, speak authentic words of how love, hope, and peace in the face of suffering. His writings articulate a deeply spiritual path to finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. Yet it is important to add that, like Martin Luther King, he was a tireless advocate for changing the things that we can change, such as the societal conditions that add to injustice, conflict, and suffering.   The pandemic has affected each of us differently. Some have experienced minimal loss and disruption, while others have experienced unfathomable stress and suffering. We all have had plenty of opportunities to practice finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. An old joke says, "I asked God to give more patience and what I got was more opportunities to practice it!" Like this joke, we have all been given more than enough opportunities to practice and develop the spiritual practices of letting go and finding serenity amidst the many challenges we have faced over the last two years, particularly the ones we could not or cannot change.   As we complete our six-part series, we want to remember that opportunities to change and grow come in many forms. Sometimes they come as things we can change, but require our courage and commitment. Other times they present as opportunities to find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. And always it involves developing the wisdom to know the difference.   We close with a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh and our usual "Making It Personal" questions.   "Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today," Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life.   Making It Personal:   What has helped you find peace when facing challenges that seem unchangeable in the past? What challenge or suffering are you experiencing right now that falls into the category of "things you cannot change"? What is helping you find serenity in the midst of that challenge? Is there something more you would like to do to enhance your capacity to accept things you cannot change right now?

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(This is the fourth column in our six-part series on Understanding the Process of Growth and Change. If you missed one, you can find all of them HERE.)  

In early 2020 I, (Scott) distinctly remember saying to my work team that I could not ever see myself embracing the idea of working remotely. Being together at the office every day was my comfort zone. It was how I had worked for over thirty years, and therefore it was the only way I could imagine continuing to function. The thought of working remotely was way outside of my comfort zone at that time, and I saw no reason to change.  

Then the pandemic came, and there went my work comfort zone. No longer able to continue my old familiar patterns, I had no choice except to grow and change. With the help of our open-minded and flexible team, I am happy to say that I have come to enjoy working remotely and have embraced my new online world. I have also learned that some of the things we do, such as training others to use our materials, actually work better online.  

I love the statement, "Resisting change is like holding your breath; if you succeed, it usually doesn't end well." I like it because it describes how I initially responded to the work disruptions caused by COVID. I held my breath and said to myself, "This can't last very long. Surely I can hold my breath until we return to normal." Obviously, that plan didn't work out so well. I'm breathing easier these days and am grateful that my willingness to step out of my comfort zone regarding work gradually changed, and now I'm luckily breathing more easily while working from home. (In sharing this, I certainly realize how fortunate I am to have a job that could adapt to being online. And my heart goes out to those who have lost their jobs or had to work in extremely trying conditions because of COVID).  

In our Wellness Compass resources, we teach a model of change that includes three concentric circles. The inner circle is the Comfort Zone, the middle circle is the Growth Zone, and the outermost ring is the Panic Zone. This model reminds us that all growth is, by definition, uncomfortable because it is outside of our current Comfort Zone. It also shows us that sometimes we are thrown out of our Comfort Zone and land in the Panic Zone. That's where I was in terms of my work when the pandemic hit. With time, effort, and support, I eventually moved into the Growth Zone.  

Growth and change are uncomfortable. Sometimes they can even create feelings of panic. We hope this series on growth and change will help you breathe a little easier the next time you need to adapt to or make a significant change.  

Making It Personal:  

When life invites you to change, how do you typically react?
Are you in a Panic Zone or Growth Zone right now in your life? Or do you know someone who is?
If you answered yes to question two, either for yourself or someone you know, what support do you or they need in order to breathe more easily in the midst of the change?

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Stages of Change

Have you ever been unsuccessful in an attempt to create some kind of change in your life? Have you ever been frustrated in your attempt to lead a group of people through a process of change? If you are like us, you can think of many times when your answer to these questions would be, “Of course!”

If you, too, have been disappointed in your ability to create or lead change, you may be interested in learning that a theory of change known as the “Stages of Change Model” could explain why it was such a challenge. This helpful model is based on the foundational truth that change doesn’t just happen because we want it to; it happens instead when we remember that it is a process and not simply an event.

We typically think of change as an action, such as “Last year I changed my diet,” “I retired recently,” or “I moved to a new city.” While change does include doing something different, the wisdom of the Stages of Change Model is that before there is action, there are preliminary steps everyone takes before they actually take the action we think of as change.

Here, in summary, are descriptions of the five stages of change we all go through regularly, regarding both big and small things. At the end of each description, we provide an example of that stage as it applies to a hypothetical person wanting to begin a walking program. While reading, think about some change you have either recently made, or are in the midst of making right now.

Pre-contemplation. This means that the person has not, or is not even considering making a change. They may have not yet considered the prospect, seen a need for change, or may even have decided against the idea altogether. At this stage, they are not likely to respond positively to suggestions to change.

Example: “I’ve never been a person who has exercised, and I have no desire to start now.”

Contemplation. This is where a person first senses that there is something they want to change and that they would benefit from doing things differently. At this stage, a person has some initial awareness or hears some whisper for a need or desire to change or grow.

Example: “I’ve never exercised, but as I get older, I’m starting to think I could benefit from being more active. I might even want to walk a 5K someday.”

Preparation. Here the focus begins to change from the need or problem the person wants to address to considering possible solutions. People at this stage begin to gather information about what could help support their desire to live differently, and will start seeking the resources they will need to help support their efforts.

Example: “I’m going to talk to my friend who walks in 5K fundraisers, and find out when the next one is, and how best to prepare for it, and then buy some walking shoes.”

Action. Here people have begun to take concrete steps to make the change a reality. The actions taken are focused and support the changes they envision for themselves. (This is what most people think of as change, not realizing that real change is actually a long, thoughtful process.)

Example: “I bought some walking shoes over the weekend, and this week I walked before work three different mornings..”

Maintenance. Having maintained the desired change and growth for an extended period of time (somewhere in the range of three to six months), there is good evidence that the change will be a lasting one. The new way of doing things has become a new habit, something that doesn’t require a great deal of conscious thought and energy.

Example: “I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I walk so often, and I’m so proud of myself since I have completed my first two 5K walks.”

Many of us made New Years Resolutions a few weeks ago, and some of us have even given up on them already. A primary reason that change plans, like resolutions, fail is that we move too quickly to Action. In order for our plans to be successful, we have to honor the fact that before we attempt a change, we need to allow enough time to think through all its aspects and ramifications, and prepare for it adequately. Taking time for the Contemplation and Preparation stages allows for a greater chance of success. In fact, a significant change might require six months, a year, or longer to work thoughtfully through the first two stages, before we are ready to take Action.

As life is full of constant decisions and possibilities for change, it is helpful to understand all that is involved in making a significant change, and give ourselves the time to acknowledge and honor the entire process we are always going through. We hope this brief introduction to the Stages of Change Theory is helpful as you think about the changes you are in the midst of, or are considering making in the future.

Please listen to this week’s episode of our Wellness Compass podcast for a more in-depth discussion of The Stages of Change, and how it can help you be kind to yourself during the inevitable changes in your life. You can find it HERE or by following the links below.

Making It Personal:

What do you think of the idea that change is a process, not an event?
Have you ever moved too quickly to the Action stage of change without giving adequate time to Contemplation and Preparation? What happened?
How does the Stages of Change Theory help you understand a change that you are in the process of considering right now?

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Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way

This column is part two of a six-part series on growth and change. While the timing of these columns is related to the beginning of a new year—a time when many people take stock and seek to make a change—what we are writing about here is timeless and applies to any kind of change, whether personal, relational, or organizational.

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why," or reason for making the change. On our Wellness Compass podcast episode this week, Holly shared a personal story of a change she started making about a year ago. She came to the awareness that our grandchildren are getting older and much more active, and she needed to make some changes to keep up with their abundant energy. She changed her eating habits and started a disciplined routine of working out that now has her feeling much more strength and stamina. As she says on the podcast, "I didn't want to watch my grandkids be active from sitting in my rocking chair." She is more able than ever now to be physically active with them.

On the podcast, she talks about how there are certainly days when she doesn't feel like working out or eating well, but then she remembers her "why"—the reason she is making the change, and when she does that, her resolve stays strong.

Author Simon Sinek writes a great deal about change. He says that most people only focus on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That is their "what." They may have a "how," a plan about how they will do this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit their screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify that they want to spend less time on screen so that they can spend more quality time connecting with others, or pursuing other meaningful activities, or getting more sleep, then there is a greater chance they will be able to make a lasting change in their relationship with screens.

All great leaders inspire with a clear "why." Desmond Tutu, who recently passed away, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. His "why" that kept him going even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers was deeply grounded in his faith, which taught him that all people are created equal, and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. "What" he did, and "how" he did it may have evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why' never wavered, and it was what sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

We all see numerous Christmas trees lying by the street this time of year, waiting to get picked up and recycled. These trees are dry and withered at this point because they were cut off from the root system that nourished them a few months ago. Our desires to change and grow will have the same fate if they are not rooted in a clear and compelling "why."

Making It Personal

What do you think about the quote "Find your why and you'll find your way?"
Can you think of a change you made in your life in the past that was fueled by a clear "why"?
Is there a change you are making now or want to make that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why?"

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Listening for a Change

Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, many of us do take stock of our lives this time of year, pausing to reflect on whether there are any changes we want to make. Apart from it being the start of a new year, the pandemic has disrupted all of our lives, sometimes forcing change upon us and other times clarifying for us a change we want or need to make.

One concept that we have found to be helpful when it comes to change, both for ourselves and the clients we work with, is the idea of "listening to the whispers." It is based on the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening and that a desire or need for change often first makes itself known to us as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something is just not as we wish it to be. The whisper could be something like:

"I am feeling the need to strengthen/repair my relationship with _______. I'm not sure how to do that, and frankly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time.”

"I used to do more ________, and I am missing that. I'm going to find a way to get back to it in the next few months.”

"I think the amount of stress in my life is starting to take a toll on me, and I want to do something about it.”

"I seem to be drinking more than before, and it's impacting my relationships with others. I want to turn that around before it gets worse."

"I'm not sure I want to stay in this job much longer. I am going to begin taking steps to find a new one.”

"I know I'm being called to get more involved in issues facing my community. I'm going to talk to people I know who are doing the kind of things I want to be doing.”

"There are issues in our family that can no longer be ignored. I know we could be a stronger family if we were to start having more honest conversations.”

"I hear my friends talk about how important meditation is to them and what a positive effect it has on them. I'm going to look into that.”

That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. When a whisper is ignored, though, it seldom goes away. The usual progression is that the whisper gets louder, and then gradually our inner voice begins to shout at us. What happens then if even the shout does not get our attention? Something will eventually happen, some negative consequence, sometimes even a crisis, something so obvious that we can no longer ignore what is going on.

When it comes to our personal and relational wellness, it is essential that we learn to listen to the hints in our lives that tell us when something is out of balance. Healthy individuals, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this on a regular and proactive basis. They regularly take an honest look in the mirror. And because they know that even then, they can still fool themselves, they regularly seek out honest feedback from others they trust. They build open feedback loops into their lives so that they can adapt and respond to any warning signs that emerge. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us, and being willing to listen to the messages that announce that something needs to be different.

Our lives are always speaking to us. The question is, "Are we listening?"

Here are a few "Making It Personal" questions meant to help promote listening more closely to what our lives are saying to us now.

Making It Personal

What are your thoughts about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?
Can you think of a time in your life when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it resulted in making a positive change?
Listening to your life right now, what is one positive change you want to make as we start the new year?

Happy New Year from the Wellness Compass Initiative.

*Many people find our Wellness Compass Self-Assessment tool to be helpful for "Listening to the Whispers." You can find it here on our website at the top of the navigation bar. Click there and you can download a PDF of the self-assessment.

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Let There Be Peace on Earth, and Let It Begin with Me.

Do you ever find yourself discouraged by the amount of conflict and hostility in the world, wishing there was more peace on earth? Or perhaps you wish for more peace in your community. And as families connect around the holidays, maybe you wish for more peace in your own family.

When we find ourselves longing for more peace, the words of a song written shortly after World War II can be helpful. The song's first line offers this insightful wisdom, "Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me."

Many things in the world are beyond our control - a lesson we have all learned repeatedly during the pandemic. One thing we do have control over, though, is how we choose to show up in the world, in our relationships, and at any holiday gatherings we may be attending. Rather than waiting for others to change, we can focus on our ability to be an instrument of peace in our circles of influence.

All of us from the Wellness Compass Initiative wish each of you the happiest of holidays, filled with peace and love.

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The Gift of Presence

One of the highlights of Christmas for me as a child was my grandmother coming to visit and staying with us for a week. She lived far away, so a visit from her was always a special occasion. All this was magnified when she visited over the holidays. My sister and I would gather on the couch with her for hours, watching all the classic holiday movies. As I write this now, I vividly remember the magic of watching Miracle on 34th Street with her every year. And we when were done watching movies, it was off to the kitchen to make cookies together.

It’s enlightening that I have so many powerful memories of her visits, yet I cannot remember one Christmas present that she ever gave to me. I do not doubt that she gave us all presents, it’s just that I have no recollection of them. What I remember instead is her presence. That was indeed the greatest gift she could have given us, and she shared that gift abundantly.

If you celebrate the holidays by exchanging gifts and find yourself stressing out about finding just the right present, perhaps my story will be enlightening for you, too. I’m no Scrooge when it comes to presents; I just know that one of the best gifts we can give to family and friends is, to paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, “a portion of ourselves.”

The gift of our presence does not require any money, but it may require some internal work on our part. I know I cannot be truly present to someone if internally I am distracted. I also cannot be present if I am holding on to some kind of judgment, anger, or regret.

Many things can block our ability to show up fully in the important relationships in our lives. The holidays seem like a perfect time of year to let go of those barriers. It could turn out to be the best present we give to both ourselves and the people we love.

Making It Personal

Can you think of someone who has given you the gift of presence, either when you were a child or in your adult life? How did/does that person make you feel?
To whom do you want to be sure you give the gift of presence this holiday season?
Are you aware of any internal barriers that might make it difficult for you to show up fully for those you love? If so, are you ready to let them go?

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Episode 10 of the Wellness Compass Podcast

“To acknowledge our grief is to acknowledge that we have loved and that we have been loved.”

To Acknowledge Our Grief is To Acknowledge Our Love

Grief has many faces and presents itself in a myriad of ways. We are familiar with grief when it shows up as sadness, loneliness, or feelings of emptiness. It may be less evident that grief is commonly the feeling underlying irritability, anger, conflict, excessive drinking, feeling numb, wanting to isolate, and busyness.

I believe we all grieve during the holidays, one way or another. Maybe this is the first year we are celebrating the holidays since someone we love has died. Maybe there has been a painful break in the family. Or perhaps this is the first holiday since someone has moved away or because of other circumstances, we cannot be with someone we love. And then there are always the poignant feelings of remembering parents, grandparents, and other friends and relatives who have been missing from our holiday gatherings for many years.

I am pointing out all the ways that grief can show up this time of year not to make us all sad, but to remind us that whenever we acknowledge our grief, we also acknowledge that we have loved and been loved. It is well-known that repressing or hiding our grief is detrimental to our mental health. Avoiding our grief also prevents us from fully celebrating the love we have shared with those who are no longer part of our day-to-day lives.

Many people have been raised with a mindset that it is best not to think about grief, let alone express it. If that is true for you, you may want to consider adopting a new mindset about the importance, and I might even say, the sacredness of grief.

So if you find yourself listening to a particular song or hanging a sentimental ornament and suddenly are overcome with grief or sadness, by all means, embrace it. In doing so, you are in that moment, embracing the love that you have shared with the person you are remembering. Take whatever time you need for yourself to acknowledge, feel, and express both your grief and your love.

Making It Personal--prompts to help you apply to your own life what you read and hear in this episode. .

What do you think of the idea that when we acknowledge our grief, we acknowledge our love?
Who are you missing—what specific grief are you feeling this holiday season?
Are you comfortable honoring your grief and maybe even sharing it with others?

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Sharpening Our Saws

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." Anne Lamott

A story is told about two loggers who have been working all day cutting down large trees using an old-fashioned two-person hand saw, one of them on each end pulling back and forth. In the morning, they made significant progress in cutting down many trees. As the day went on, they became increasingly frustrated with how much their progress slowed down, finally quitting when they could not make it through their last tree. Once they stopped for the day, they suddenly realized why they had been so inefficient in the second half of the day. In their busyness and rush to cut down so many trees, they forgot to take their usual midday break to sharpen their saw. They learned from their oversight that it's nearly impossible to cut down a tree with a dull blade.

For many, this can be a hectic time of year. There are many things to do, many trees to cut down. If we are not careful, we can forget the importance of sharpening our saws. This is all the more critical this year because the ongoing grind of the pandemic means that we are likely to be already feeling a bit dulled by all that we have experienced.

As part of our Wellness Compass Initiative, we lead and train others to conduct our Wellness Circle program. Based on our holistic Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being, a Wellness Circle is a six-week small group coaching program where each participant chooses an area of wellness that they want to strengthen. One of the most commonly chosen areas of wellness is "Rest and Play" because it seems that many people are aware of the need for them to take more time to consciously re-create and re-energize both their mental health and physical well-being.

As we navigate the holiday season, we are wise to reflect on the activities that are truly re-creative, and those which are not. Over-eating, over-spending, and over-drinking are not going to sharpen our saws, but in fact, they will probably do the opposite. Focusing on simplicity, time with friends and family, and the spiritual meaning of the season are all things that will likely be more re-creative for our overall well-being.

I'll close with something I read this week that made me cringe. "I think I"m winning Christmas this year" was a comment I read on social media. Accompanying this statement was a list of all the person's accomplishments as proof of their "winning." I cringed because I can remember times when I was younger, and I overdid things this time of year and somehow thought that was a good thing. I remember how exhausted I used to get and how I figured that was the way the holidays were supposed to be. Now I am taking more time to unplug from some of the things that previously wore me out around the holidays and am instead focusing on what renews and feeds me.

I invite you to reflect on what sharpens your saw and helps you rest, play, and re-create with these three "Making It Personal" questions. We provide these each week to help you put into action anything that speaks to you in these columns.

Making It Personal:

What signs do you see in yourself that indicate that you need to unplug or sharpen your saw?

Make a list of three to five things that help you sharpen your saw and re-energize you.

Are you satisfied with the quality and quantity of time you take for rest and play? If not, what is one thing you could do differently this week?

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I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday because of both its simplicity and its focus on gratitude. As I get older, I find that gratitude is foundational to my emotional and spiritual well-being, as I continue to discover the truth of this quote from David Steindl-Rast, “The root of joy is gratefulness. It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

As the intensity of the holiday season ramps up, I am realizing that I will need to be more intentional about focusing on gratitude as the foundation for joy and happiness. Another quote, this one from Thomas Merton, will also help guide my choices over the next month: “Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.”

I invite you too to be intentional about how you navigate the holiday season. How will you practice gratitude and create a rhythm that enhances balance and well-being? Part of the intensity of the holiday season comes from the cultural message to buy and do more, which, if we are not mindful, can create feelings that our lives are lacking in some way. A focus on gratitude for what we already have is perhaps the best way to maintain our emotional, relational, and spiritual balance this time of year.

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Prioritizing Our Mental Health Through the Holiday Season

"Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It's about how you drive, not just where you're going." Noam Shpancer, psychologist

A few weeks ago, I wrote about recalculating our routes in a column that focused on giving ourselves permission to make changes in direction when needed. Today I am writing about something a bit different yet similar, calculating our routes. Specifically, I'm going to focus on inviting us to plan the way we intend to navigate this upcoming holiday season, in a way that prioritizes our mental health and overall well-being.

The holiday season can be stressful for our mental health in a typical year. It can bring a roller coaster of emotions of both sadness and joy, and sometimes pressures to be or act a certain way that is not in alignment with what we are feeling or wanting. When you add the additional stress of an ongoing and changing pandemic, it becomes even more important to be proactive about prioritizing our mental health so as to level out the potential highs and lows of the season.

Through my four decades as a psychotherapist, I often have had conversations with clients in January where they talk about how exhausted they are because of not making good choices through the holidays. "It's like I was on auto-pilot, trying to meet the expectations of family and friends, and not even realizing the cumulative effect of the choices I was making," is something I hear often.

To help you avoid this kind of exhaustion, here are three things to focus on to help you calculate your plans for the next six weeks. They are offered with the hope that with some planning and focus on some self-care, the holidays can be a time of authentic joy and peace.

First, if there is a potentially uncomfortable conversation you need to have with friends or family, don't make the mistake of putting it off or avoiding that conversation. Holidays bring both the gift and sometimes the pressure of traditions. "But we've always done it this way" thinking can create undue pressure to continue traditions that don't serve us well anymore. Instead, have honest conversations now about what will work best for everyone this holiday season.

Even though these conversations may be challenging initially, they usually help families and friends find new ways of doing things that all can enjoy. As I wrote a few weeks ago, the pandemic gives us a new freedom to recalculate our routes, and that includes how we will celebrate the holidays.

Second, set a budget not just for your finances, but also for how you want to budget your time and energy. The holidays sometimes trigger feelings of sadness, obligation, and/or loss, which in turn might prompt us to over-spend, over-drink, over-eat, or over-do. Prioritizing our mental health through the holidays means being proactive about setting limits, and also at the same time, not avoiding the challenging emotions such as regret, sadness, and grief that may occur this time of year.

A third way to practice self-care this holiday season is to intentionally choose to focus on the spiritual meaning of the season. The word "holiday" is a contraction of the two words "holy" and "day." How will you honor what is holy and sacred for you this year? How will you budget time and energy to practice and nurture your spirituality? Strengthening our spirituality is always good for our mental health, and particularly so this time of year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and best wishes for navigating this holiday season in a way that is mindful and good for your well-being and for those with whom you will connect.

Making it Personal (These prompts are offered to evoke your ideas for how you might want to prioritize your mental health during the holidays.)

Is there a conversation regarding holiday plans, that while perhaps challenging to have, would be beneficial to have now rather than later?
What's one thing you might want to do new or different this year regarding how you celebrate the holidays?
What is one thing you could do to practice and nurture your spirituality throughout the holidays this year?

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Are You Handling Your Emotions, or Are They Handling You?

The title question for this column, “Are you handling your emotions, or are they handling you?” is timely given the chronic stress that we have all been facing the last year and a half. My answer to this question is, “Yes!” Yes, there are times when I am handling my emotions, and yes, there are times when my feelings are handling me. One of the warning signs I recognize in myself when I am not managing my emotions well is that I am irritable and impatient in my communication with others. Perhaps this is why I resonate with the advice that when it comes to good communication, it is wise to strive to, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean.”

There is much wisdom in these three short sentences. Like many wise sayings, it takes a moment to memorize, but a lifetime to master. Let’s reflect briefly on each of these three sentences.

“Say what you mean” describes the importance of having the emotional intelligence to recognize and express the full range of our emotions. For example, if I am sad or scared, and if I am not mindful, I might express those feelings as anger or criticism, when it would be far healthier to be vulnerable enough to share what I am really feeling. Being thoughtful and honest about what we really mean is good for ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship.

“Mean what you say” invites us to reflect on what we are communicating so that it is an accurate expression of what we are feeling. For example, “You never help me clean up around here” is probably not accurate and indeed not helpful. Much better is, “The last week or so, I have felt like I have been doing most of the household chores. You may have a different perspective, but in any case, I want to talk about how to rebalance all this better going forward.” The person who is frustrated in this example probably doesn’t really mean that the other person never helps out, and escalating their words to that level greatly reduces their chance of being heard.

“Don’t say it mean” is often the most challenging advice for many of us to follow. Somewhere along the line, it seems we got the idea that we can increase our chances of being heard by raising our voices in anger. Yet, we know that attempting to increase our persuasive power by raising our voices actually has the opposite effect. People instead shut down and stop listening when we are mean.

On the podcast that corresponds with this column each week, I shared the story of a youth soccer coach who screamed at his players regularly. When I reflected this back to him and asked him why he did this, he replied it was because his players never listened to him. The coach and I talked some more, and he had a minor breakthrough as he began to see a possible connection between his “saying it mean” and their not listening. His frustration was clearly handling him, and I was trying to give him some insight into how perhaps he could begin to manage his feelings more productively and in turn, get his players to pay more attention to his words.

It is natural at times to be overwhelmed by our emotions and to feel like they are handling us rather than that we are handling them. Whenever we find ourselves overwhelmed, it is wise to call a timeout and wait until we are sure we won’t say or do something we’ll later regret. When we have calmed down, we will be more able to “say what we mean, mean what we say, and not say it mean.”

It takes a lifetime to master this wisdom. Any of us, at times, can and will “say it mean.” It happens to all of us, and when it does, we need to be careful not to be too hard on ourselves. We simply and humbly need to apologize, learn from what happened, and grow a little wiser when it comes to handling our emotions.

Making It Personal:

Which of the three parts of this saying is most challenging for you, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean?”
‘Saying it mean” is one manifestation of not handling or expressing our emotions well. Can you think of others?
Is there a particular person or relationship in your life with whom you would like to practice the advice of “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean” this week?

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"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." Lao Tzu

This episode will expand your understanding of vocation and how vocation is an essential comment of mental health and wellness.

We took a road trip and because we had some extra time and were in no hurry to get to our destination, we turned to Google maps to help us chart some less traveled and more scenic routes. Several times we made changes to our route on the fly, or we missed a turn we were supposed to make, and each of these times we received a friendly message that the app was “recalculating our route.”

We have come across several stories recently that talk about “the great resignation” in America’s workforce. The articles describe how many people have resigned their jobs during the pandemic. While there are a variety of reasons that people are leaving their jobs, one clear theme is that people are choosing not to return to the kind of pace or balance or unsatisfactory working conditions that they had before the pandemic. One subgroup with the larger population that is not going back to their jobs is older workers who have chose to retire rather than return to their previous employment. And of course, many have lost their jobs and have no choice but to find a new direction for their work.

All of this has me thinking that this time of “the great resignation” is really a time of “the great recalculation.” Many of us are recalculation our routes, some by choice, some by necessity. As awful as the pandemic has been, perhaps one benefit that has come from it is that it has given many people the opportunity to rethink what parts of their lives they wish to return to and which parts they do not want to go back to again.

I love that the Google voice is always so calm and patient when I miss a turn. There is never a hint of judgment or criticism. Perhaps we can all keep that in mind as a model for our own inner voice as we find ourselves making changes in our lives. May we be as calm and patient with ourselves when it comes to recalculating the routes, routines, and relationships in our lives that have been dramatically changed the last year and a half.

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Spirituality is like the roots of a tree; the deeper the roots, the stronger the tree.   Spirituality is a part of all of our lives, whether we consciously are aware of it and nurture it within ourselves, or not. We are spiritual beings. As the author and theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote, "We are not human beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having human experiences."  

Practicing a religious faith is one way to express and ground one's spirituality, but spirituality transcends any one religion. Some have referred to spirituality as a deep underground river that gives us strength and sustenance, and acknowledge that there are many ways, many wells, to tap into that river.  

Staying with the idea of spirituality being underground and often out of view, I have always liked the image that our spirituality is like the root system of a tree. The roots of a tree are what ground a tree, what helps the tree to stand upright. The roots are also what bring nourishment to the tree. In order for a tree to grow taller or broader, it must simultaneously grow deeper and broader roots. And we are also learning that the roots of a tree spread out and interact with the roots of other trees, even drawing strength from nearby trees in times of distress.  

Just as with the roots of a tree, our spirituality needs to be watered and deepened regularly over our whole life. Spirituality helps us define our core values and purpose, and begin to be developed in childhood. These values are especially important in the first half of life as we are then in the midst of making important decisions that build the foundation for our life. In the second half of life, our spirituality additionally helps us deal with aging, loss, and letting go. It helps us to make peace with what has been, what is, and what will be. Just as with trees deep roots can help sustain us through rainy and stormy days.  

In this week's Wellness Compass podcast, Holly and Scott talk about two traditional practices for deepening one's spirituality. The first is meditation or prayer. Every religious tradition has both corporate and individual practices of prayer. Meditation and mindfulness practices are also important to millions of people who don't necessarily define themselves as being part of a religious faith yet very much benefit from this soulful practice.  

The other practice we talk about in this episode is gratitude. A regular gratitude practice, of taking time each morning or evening to note what you are grateful for that day, can help deepen one’s sense of the spiritual aspect of life. Research has shown that a regular gratitude practice has positive benefits for one's mental health, with some studies even suggesting that it has a positive effect on one's brain.   In whatever ways you express and tend to your spiritual root system, the benefits of doing so are immense. This is why we include spirituality as one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass of Well-Being. And while all eight dimensions are essential, spirituality is perhaps, for many, the one that grounds and guides all the others.

Making It Personal: The questions below are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.  

What comes to mind when you think of spirituality as being like the root system of a tree?

Are you satisfied with how aligned your current life choices are with your core values and spirituality?

How do you water your spiritual life now?

Might you want to try a regular gratitude or meditation/prayer practice (if you are not already doing so)?

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Few things affect the quality of our lives than the quality of our relationships. All of us attended a "school of relationships" where we learned certain relationships skills and patterns. If those serve us well, our relationships will benefit. If they don't, the good news is we can always learn new relationships skills if we are humble and open to learning and willing to put the work in to create new patterns. In this episode, Scott and Holly teach one specific relationship skill known as "the soft start-up." This is in contrast to "the harsh start-up" and the kind of start-up we use to start a conversation will highly affect how that conversation unfolds. Once again, they offer three "Making It Personal" questions/prompts to help you put into practice what you have learned from this episode.

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“Resilience is based on compassion for ourselves as well as compassion for others.”― Sharon Salzberg. This quote introduces the topic of this show which is about how "the seeds of resilience can only take root in the soil of compassion."

Resilience is defined here not so much as "bouncing back," but as "bouncing forward" because sometimes there is no going back, no bouncing back. When loss happens, when our "normal" is disrupted in profound ways, there is no going back to "normal." There is only going forward as we slowly create a new normal.

Holly Hughes Stoner joins Scott on this episode and talks about how the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being can help us think about and respond to stress in a holistic way. Stress Resilience is one of the 8 areas of wellness in the Compass and this show talks about how all eight areas are interconnected, each affecting the other.

The show concludes with three "Making It Personal" questions that invite the listener to apply what they have heard to their own life.

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This is the premiere episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast. Scott introduces the podcast and the larger Wellness Compass Initiative. He also introduces the concept of whole-person wellness and what it means to put "your whole self in."

Scott also plays his guitar and then used it as a metaphor to learn about whole-person wellness. He intentionally makes one string on the guitar out of tune, and then lets the listener hear how cringe-worthy that sounds. The metaphor is that our lives are always going in and out of tune. That's not a problem. The problem is when we don't or when we refuse to hear that our lives are out of tune and thus are unwilling or unable to make the changes necessary to get them back in tune.

This podcast, along with the overall Wellness Compass Initiative is all about providing the resources and support to both hear when our lives are out of tune and then figure out the steps necessary to get our lives back on key. Together, let's support one another as we dance and sing on this lifelong journey of wellness.

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