The Worst Movie Ever Made: Recent Episodes
Robert Scucci
Here's the mail, it never fails, except when Dustyn suggests Teen Witch, upon which we'll rail!
Saddle up, fuckers! It's time to get witchy!
Teenage trick teaser taken with a twenty something turns tempered terrain into twenties, a tot into a terrier, a toad into a tonic, and a teacher into a topless trouser twirler! The Paranormal Porkies that could have been! Fudge brother diary smudging! Sticky but fascinating classroom jabbing! Marcia Wallace! Cycle sulking on the way to an eccentric seer! Sparky Sperm and Edna the Egg! Brad Fonzies a Coke machine! Drivin’ through the fog like a hog with a hardon! Quick panic puppy bath! What happened to the apron? First-timer fuck shacks! Second-timer sex boats, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Email us, you cowards!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we continue to dig deep into our mailbag with Kayla's suggestion, Jupiter Ascending... or as we like to call it, “Stupider Unending.” This was really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Like super bad. Not like the movie, Superbad, which is actually kinda good, but like actually super, duper bad.
What have we done?
Jupiter Jones joins a journey jonesing for genetic justice, just after Jupiter jettisons her juvenile jam! Insignificant integrity! Human goo mining! Realigning the quantum chi! Twin Tower trauma triggers! Dropping the jizz jar! Joop’s majestic powers of deduction! Vocal fry until we die! Blasting lycanthrope ropes! Canine cock! More rejuvenating jelly! Mutt mallet? Mister Whispers, the badboy brother! Gary "Oldham," and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Don't forget that this is our mailbag season, so email us you cowards!
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This week, we get into Freddy Got Fingered; a film that Rob gives too much credit while Chris and Bob wish death on him. We’re kicking off our 24th season: new(ish format), new bumpers, and, most importantly, we’re digging into the mailbag. Big shoutout to Midge from Glasgow, Scotland for this request. We’re worse off for it, and for that we thank you!
Let's just go ahead and fuck this duck, shall we?
Green gives us Gord, goes for grossout gags, gets the gimpy girl, garners gonorrhea from a galloping gelding, and gains garnishments via goofy graphics! Fists full of horse cock! Japan four? Shins of sin! Bob’s bulge is back! Casual bestiality! Umbilical impropriety! Bamboo Blondes! Veggie blowjays? Wanton destruction of private property (again!)! Rip Torn’s butthole! Fist full of elephant cock this time! Chris riding Rob's coattails! Unexpected Gymkata drops, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We’re digging into the mailbag this season, so email us you cowards! Thanks again, Midge!
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Good movie week. Alien! Starring the only person on Earth named Sigourney. What a flick! What a legacy! Too bad all the other ones mark a slow decline. We hear the new series is great though. But this is a movie podcast, and we only talk about those things as we dissect them with our state-of-the-art equipment.
This one’s great though!
Ridley renders a rival ‘restrial, who raids and rumbles relentlessly until Ripley, racked with revenge, releases the rival to ruthless reentry. Alien deepthroat sessions! Face hugging leads to face fucking! Chest ‘splosies! Snake skin duct dangles! Impatiently throbbing eggs! Points deducted for Pipe Logic (™) nightmares, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
Starting our mailbag season next week.
Drop us a line: www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we close out our sequel season with The Crow: Wicked Prayer, starring John Connor cosplaying as Harry Potter cosplaying as Robert Smith if he were a Native American … or something. Rob watched every single crow sequel and reboot in preparation for this episode, and for the sole purpose of defending one of the best revenge thrillers of all time.
We once covered the OG Crow movie during good movie week, and maybe Chris will finally come around and realize how it’s a cinematic masterpiece, unlike Wicked Prayer which is just a fart in your gas pump. Bob is sick, so email him a lozenge or something. He’s gonna need it after this one.
Yelling:
Convict coerces convicts to carve, kill, and clobber, creating chaos in the community, while the curse comeback crow causes counterstrike calamity and crushes killer cunty cretins. Gratuitous textposition! Gasoline freezer fire?! Chris’ alcohol and Fruit Loop sex dungeon! Broad daylight wedding rape? Dennis Hopper jive talk! Emergency rain dance surgery, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we get into Universal Soldier: The Return, which is really the fourth film in the series, but a direct sequel to the first one. Rob and Chris think it’s an improvement from the first installment, but Bob begs to differ. As long as JCVD hits his contractually obligated slow-mo roundhouse kick quota, all is right with the world.
Here we go!
Seth surmises scientific sabotage, so surprises suits and soldiers with siege and slaughter, but is subsequently squelched in a standoff with a sprout! Disappointing lack of JCVD’s ass! Tree titty tie ups! Lookin’ at the wrong twins! The noggin toboggan/Goldberg Rosebud (™)! Supercomputer UNISOL assembly lines! Rocketing into the nether realm! Brain-operating laser inconsistencies! Unconsenting zombie slaughter, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Gearing up for an entire season of listener requests.
Email us, you cowards!
Environmental romantic thriller horror time as we dive into Birdemic 2: The Resurrection!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Giant Jumbo Jellyfish jabs Jezebel just as Generic Joes and Josephines join to jab and jeopardize jay-like jumbo-jet sized jackdaws! Tit-scope triplets get totaled! Abhorrent audio and acting! Crows kill cavemen mid CaveHub(™) climax! Rod's rotten cod kills a kid! Rope-along Miata road head drive ‘n slide?! Big-lib Propaganda Bob! Chris’ poopin’ and doomin’! Breen by proxy?! The “didn’t make it” pile, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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You knew you’d eventually see us cover Ernest Goes to Africa, and the day of reckoning is upon us! Surprisingly, this ISN’T the most problematic movie we’ve covered on the pod, but it’s definitely up there. However! Jim Varney was such an all around good guy and wholesome figure, we’re kinda willing to give him a pass on this one.
Know what we mean, Vern?
Yucky yokel yanks a yoke to yield a yo yo, yelps and yowls, and yearns for a younger yenta! Wildly waving your wood in a crowd! Gerald Foghorn?! Grinding your goldfish in a garbage disposal! Bazoo with his big old kazoo! Pre-rape rituals? 10% Charlie?! Lack of eggshell continuity! Deserved dialect disambiguation! Wrangling what dangles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!!!
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This week, we continue our sequel season with Tooth Fairy 2; a direct-to-video clusterfuck of recycled jokes that nobody asked for. This is truly the turd of the ages. We’d hardly call it a movie, but it clocks in at about 90 minutes and attempts to tell a story, so here we are.
Let’s Get ‘Er Doneeeeeee!
Repugnant redneck raids rugrats rooms for roots, remitting rewards, and ruining a romantic relationship! Bob goes hard on the Rs! Automobile auction adultery announcements! Beauregard with no regard for being locked up on that man’s pussy! Brooke n’ Big Boy’s BBQ blblblblbl! Larry the Cable Guy remembering the memory he doesn’t remember! Biting off Bubba’s gumption! Ass-first Fairy Land arrival! Why are birds awake, it’s twelve o’clock?! 18 creamie weemies! Bob only has 5 minutes to yank one out, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we slither our way through our sequel season with Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; a movie that so aggressively undermines its own premise within the first five minutes of run time that it's actually impressive. We don’t know how we ended up here, and we’re certainly not happy about it.
Let’s yell it out now!
Pharma finds flowers for furthering folk’s function, forcing friends and foes to forage the forest for fauna, unfortunately, a forked tongue and fangs force fatalities and form a franchise! Snake-centered gloryholes! Hollywashing the premise! Tropical tropes on tap! Keeping a capuchin in your closet! Bushwacking for booty! Face-down open casket. Unquaffable waterfall hair? Gyrating sex balls! The Jungle Jack Smash! Unconsenting stock options, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we chug along the tracks at breakneck speeds in the company of Mr. Boom Boom Chubby Choo Choo as we take a look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; the locomotive sequel of a nautical Die Hard ripoff. For pure entertainment value, and the villains alone, this is worth watching. Steven Seagal’s performance, on the other hand, meh…
Let’s get into it, shall we!
Tall and tubby trooper takes teen on a train taken by terrorists trying to total targets until the tremendous tactician takes the task to topple terrorism! Beach babe’s boobs get binoculared by bureaucrats! The Dark Territory tagline tally! Flames in the fireless firmament! “Everything but the n-word” antagonist! Teddy bears every six seconds! Captains co-fucking in the cab of a choo-choo! Seinfeld scenery driving! Kahlúa ka-blooah! Gratuitous Seagal insertions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we get into Jaws: The Revenge; a film that does in the impossible by using slasher tropes with a fucking shark. We were waiting for the scene when the girl gets the phone call asking her what her favorite scary movie is, but only before a soaking wet apex predator comes barreling out of the closet wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete. Sadly, that would have been a better beat than what we just witnessed, so of course we have to talk about it.
Jaws IV, let’s go!
Sheriff’s son, Sean, sees scary shark in the shallow sea shore… the shark, showing shiny sharp shards, shanks Sean, starting some shady shitty story! Putting the junk in Junkanoo! Deep sea telepathy! From grief to getaway! Fuck you a Funnybone sandwich! Unconscious conches! Silly story support! Hoagie’s stogies? Government jellyfish money, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Get ready to have your Sandler Slot ™ rattled, because it’s time to talk about a pickle-eating shoe man in the form of The Cobbler! The Cobbler? More like The SANDLE-er. Adam Sandler! 23 seasons in, and we’re still somehow alive.
Also… big shoutout to Slowdrip for suggesting that we watch this one. We’re all worse off for it, so thank you for knowing how to play the game.
Alliterations!
Shoe shiner and slip on surfacer slips into sandals and stilettos, assuming status of citizens of the city, sometimes sinning, seldomly surprising, and sans a satisfying story! Scaring skaters to sleep! Skinwalking into stereotypes and shower shags! Make mom model's modified moccasins?! The daddy-mamma dementia dance! The lotsa matzah calling card! She-Man/Shoe-Man switcheroo! Breaking Chris’ Grease streak, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we get into Goodfellas for some coke blowing, titty slapping, Pesci whacking fun. Good movie week? Great movie week! We all love this one, but there is one GLARING problem in the opening act that will make you reconsider some things... or WILL they? Who are we to say? We’re just a few guys asking questions.
Here we go!
Gangster goings on and gangs grifting goods, gaining growing gangster ground! Getting heavy on the Pesci! Continuous underbelly club shots! Doesn’t insist upon itself! Owe money to the mob, and need cash now? Call J.J. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW! Cool Ridin’ Bob! Ring counting mole cuts, and much more on this week’s episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made.
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Imagine this scenario: A new Neil Breen joint drops, and you beg your mom to take you, and she tells you, “We have Neil Breen at home,” before firing up A Talking Cat?! on streaming. That’s exactly what this movie is. But for some reason it’s not without charm; come for the talking cat, but maybe stick around for a while, throw your feet up on the ottoman while you’re working on coding, and wolf down a couple trays full of cheese puffs. We’re not saying that A Talking Cat?! Is a good movie. In fact, it’s QUITE THE OPPOSITE (Chris). However! We’re all glad that we exist at the same time as this pile of trash because it proves the point that if you’re willing to throw resources at a project, no matter how stupid, nobody’s going to stop you.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
A close to catatonic cat continuously yet cautiously converses, communicates, and confers with cringy characters who collide concurrently causing catastrophe, then confusion then a crappy conclusion! Home-kitchen caterer can’t cater without kid labor! Ignoring your offspring’s alarming audio hallucinations! Psycho susan’s raw-dog removal and hotel pan handoff! Programmer’s pile of pilfered puffs! Susan’s Pantry Country Catering? Ass worship and dirt-pipe milkshakes! Rob’s on-air meltdown over technical issues that totally weren’t his fault, problematic post-production predictions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Boy, oh boy… this week, we get into Timecut, A.K.A. Rob’s “Rosebud.” This sci-fi slasher is a turd of the highest order, rife with time-travel inspired junk science, the worst kind of nostalgia baiting, and frequent trips to Olive Garden to let audiences know that Olive Garden is, in fact, a real restaurant that you can help shareholders earn money with if you get the chicken alfredo and cheesecake with extra strawberries. They must have eaten at Olive Garden, like, seven times!
But wait, there’s more!
Trade-in teenager time travels to a tiny town’s traumatic timeline of teen termination to tamper with today, trying to tweak timetables to turn around tomorrow! Trouser hams! Leaving out local law enforcement! Millennium Member Berry nostalgia mining! Fucking over future father by disappearing his other daughter! Butter Fingering time boxes! Too many Quinns! Prime sluts! Cavalier clutch fucking, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Hold up… it’s still bad movie week isn’t it? Then why in the name of John Woo’s BUTTHOLE are we buring 90 minutes of sweet, sweet podcast runtime talking about Face/Off? 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, Chris. What the hell?!
There's a lot to talk about because this movie is an insane time capsule that perfectly articulates the height of ‘90s action movie excess. It’s illogical, but who cares? It’s overacted in a way that’s both operatic and absurd, but, also, who cares?
Face/Off fucking rules, and I’m willing to die on this hill. I think Chris is too. Bob only sent us a complaint about the runtime in the group chat because he’d rather watch Quiz Show, so the Jury’s still out on him.
Time to yell!
Dissimilar stubborn supposed studs swap sockets, skin, sneers, stubble, and sideburns so that the savior could stop sabotage while the sadist slays civil servants and shares the sheets for spousal snuggling! Snuffing a ciggie on sleeping Castor! Policeman’s partner doesn’t pick up on penis replacement! Non-consensual face removal! Dead child changeouts! Caucasian tan-line semantics! Castor Troy’s ass-crumb trail! Fucking magnet prisons?! Chris peeing during the closing credits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Last season, “Life On the Line” won the title of Worst Movie ™, and it’s thanks to the star-studded collaboration between John Travolta and Devon Sawa working as linemen (LINEMEN!). This season, we bring Fred Durst into the mix (again, kinda) with The Fanatic; also starring John Travolta and Devon Sawa but they hardly do any line work at all!
Let’s fucking gooooo!
A fan of a famous film fellow and a friendly female photographer focus on and follow folks for nefarious fulfillment! Chris and Rob’s poo parallel! Nonsensical and infrequent narrator! Security suggesting strangulation is acceptable! Hobby shop host helps Moose hop halfway through the queue! Rob’s embarrassing, deep-cut Limp Bizkit knowledge! Half-assed autism acting, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week we talk about John Carter! The movie that didn’t have Jared Leto but so desperately wanted to (it would have sucked anyway). It seems like a copycat movie, but that’s an anachronistic take once we get into the nitty gritty, so let’s do it!
Yelling!
Giants, Deja, and Jeddaks join John on a Jihad, journeying to a juggernaut of jousting javelins, just so Johnny can jangle his jewel! Alien animal cruelty! Jumpin’ John’s abrupt abductions! Junk astronomy! Native American martians! White savior saving the savages? Baking out baby Barsoomians! Bald guys in disguise! The Jeddak of Helium? Bumbling and unbelievable worldbuilding! Roman soldiers with fur! Creatine beans, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Paul Bart: Mall Cop! Wow, what a movie!
Here we go.
Fat fella flunks a field test final, forcing the flabby fatso to fend off foes at a food court, flingin the fleshy full-figured fucker, fracturing fixtures and frontage. Preeminent pipe logic problems! Boomer humor for the lazy consumer! Poking fun at single parent passed on by pudgy expat! Porky pranks for the entire picture! Sandler’s just-competent-enough Farley Surrogate? Bob’s Pahud bazooka! Inconsistently crashing through glass, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we take over the HOV lane with Carpool; the family comedy that wants so badly to be edgy, but ultimately fails because it’s trying to capture the minds and hearts of a younger audience. The end result is a movie that’s got really great pacing and sense of cause and effect, but has just a little too much Tom Arnold for comfort.
Here we go!
Clingy carny criminal cajacks and kidnaps kids, is caught by a Karen cop, and continues to cut and run, causing chaos constantly! Child abduction breast reduction! Arnold almost always averts attention away from aiming automobile! PC police prevent piss-poor P.T. Barnum from profiting! Factory circus? Improper tube logic, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we take a bite out of Munchie; Gremlins' very own B-movie version of Mac and Me. This also marks our 200th episode. We celebrate by hitting rock bottom, and we plan to sink even lower in the coming weeks!
Here we go!
Double Doms on the pod! A garbage Gremlins and Ghoulies grift where Gage gallavants with a geezer, a girl, and a greasy grotesque gargoyle, getting even with grungry guys, his guardian’s gullible gal pal, and a goon who’s gatekeeping at a grade school! Detectives detain doctor who destroys doughnut shop! Family films firing squad! Muppet Megophilia! Main character/mustache man mother makeout staredown! A fridge with tits! Doug Funny daydreamin’! Greedy Gage getting granted gratuitously without gratitude, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Baby Geniuses. We have nothing to say about this in the writeup aside from our yelling and alliterations. Total dogshit. What a bullshit way to start Season 22! Don’t watch this movie. Listen to this episode though, it rules!
Babies who are barely babies bewilder buffoon behaviorists, break out of the bio lab, only to break back in and bonk baby bashing bastards with a brawling baby bot. DeLuise’s lug nuts! Pee-oopie bottoms baby bowel banter! Broad daylight duffle bagging! Big baby fat shaming and wishing Sheeva would rain wrath down on your friends! Stoller seduction! Breenish bullshit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Good movie week, thank god! Though you could argue that last week’s Y2K episode was an honorary good movie week because Rob said so. Anyhow, this week we’re talking about Leon: The Professional. It’s sentimental. It’s action packed. And our titular character drinks SO. MUCH. MILK.
Time to yell:
A hermit hitman who’s helpful and humble is hired by a hopeful half-pint to harm the hostile, heartless, and hypocritical henchmen who hurt her homeboy! “Damn he’s good” trope done right! Sleeping seated! Rob fucks up the soundboard (again)! Sibling crime scene! Spot-on selection of cinema superstars! Little Shop of Horrors Homage? Eight subtle Manolos, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week we take a look at Y2K, the poignant historical fiction of our time that accurately encapsulates the fallout of our first robot uprising. We know this is the end of our “bad movie” season before doing a good movie next week, but we (read: Rob) will argue in this movie’s favor for being such an explosive exploration of retro-futuristic tech, teen romance, and our lord and savior, Fred Durst.
Did you think this movie sucked? Because we (read: Rob) thought QUITE THE OPPOSITE (fuck you, Chris). Let’s get into the mayhem.
A kinda cringey kid, a cute coder, and a completely cool kiwi combat killer computers who kill kids! Kilobyte catastrophe! The Member Berry grift! Machines have Matrix motives! Locality leaves a lot unlearned! Another episode echoing Eddie character’s cranial cooking! Piss-mouth pal goes public! Chris gives himself too much credit! Throbby Robby’s ironic layers of abstraction! 10,000 maniacs getting twisted, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we put our lives on the line while reviewing Life on the Line; a movie about life on the line, where the line between the life off the line and the life off the line is constantly on the line… for life. That’s a really convoluted way to say a whole bunch of nothing, which is fitting for a movie of this caliber.
Yelling:
Linemen labor on the line living lives within a lethal landscape, and lap up lots of liquor living with a looming liver loss liability! Hymens busted by linemen! Bob’s jizz bucket redemption arc! Beyond bullshit buildup! Poor and exploitative portrayal of PTSD! Duncan’s diner diamond dash! Pre wifey wham-bamming ham slamming! Bad boy’s rapey Bailey boner, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we get into Universal Soldier. Is it an action comedy, or a comedy with action? How long does it take for Jean-Claude Van Damme to expose his perfectly chiseled ass? Is this basically a Terminator knockoff?
Listen along as we unpack the above questions.
Zombie Zealots zip, zigzag, and zero in on a zippy jezebel and another zombie at his zenith! Huey kablooey! Talent taping television pre-termination! Asking 80s action actors to acquire American accents! Female phone fumbling! Return of the “damn, he’s good” trope! Garth’s spinal stem? Best dead driver award! Cranky at the Yankee! Chris’ soaked and slippery beat boxing, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
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This week, we get into Unhinged, or as we like to call it, “Falling Brown”... like the Michael Douglas movie, but with “brown” meaning poop. They really thought they had something like this one with their whole “man is pushed too far” thing, but in order for that to work, the characters need to be written as likeable.
BUMMER!
Rotund and reckless Russell road-rages ruthlessly rather than reflecting, then rejecting the rules and ramming a Range Rover! Hammer man! Underfunded federales! Idiot adolescent accidentally alerting intruder to area! Minivan mother mockery! Facile feelings for flaming Fred! Pancaked piggies! Homicide by proxy, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we collectively yell “FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!” as we try to make sense of 1993’s Deadfall, prominently featuring the man, the myth, the legend, Nicolas Cage. Wow, what a movie.
Just watch it, it’s worth your time.
Cage can’t contain chaotic yet carefree characteristics while cunning cons continue conning competing cons! Craving columbian cocoa crop kibbles! Chuck Sheen! Deep fat frying your former friend’s face! Eddie’s pre-third-act-load-blow! Rob wins the season? Chris gives too much credit? Bob on the spot? Sam Fucking Peckinpaahhhhhh! Nicolas Cage’s mommy moaning, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, the gang gets ready to rumbleeeeeeee with 2000’s Ready to Rumble, a total bag of dicks of a movie that you should never watch. But we watched it, so we need to break it down for you. Oliver Platt deserved better, and if he were dead he’d be spinning in his grave like a fucking pinwheel.
Here we go!
Relatively rotund and really raunchy wrestler regains resolve and receives award! Poo-pump proprietor punished by pungent parkway prolapse! Nonsense noose on Nitro! Beyond obvious Butterfinger branding! Hard R-tard (again)! Ass juice losers! Septic dripping supper consuming dickbags! Rob loses his voice! Shit clothing switcheroo, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we fire up the Breen Machine and explore I Am Here … Now– the best religious themed Sci-Fi action alien romance environmentally over toned thriller of its time. You’ve gotta listen to this one because the almighty Breen can do no wrong, until he does, but it still feels so, so right.
Back to Breen basics with braless biotech bimbos, boring business men, and a buff brother blasting bullets into bones! Spirit Halloween Slipknot mask saliva swapping! Hard Drive Jesus! Breenie bits but no babe boobs! Benevolent Breen bloodies bully’s eyeballs. The Willhelm… Breen? Boomer Bluetooth! Cola pudge! Rob hosts Fact or No Fact! SUV Russian Roulette! Chris’ “e-lips!” Stigmata imposters, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Like the Saw movies? Well, you’re going to love 2007’s Steel Trap, which is like Saw, but instead of having to cut off your own foot, you have to record yourself eating your own shit, upload it to PornHub, and then gratify yourself to the footage of yourself eating your own shit while held at gunpoint. That being said … do you want to play a little game?
Here we go:
Drunk doopable dummies are deceived, dispatched, and deserving of death. Professor Pudgy and the previously porky perpetrator! Patron of a popular program providing persecution for party-goers! Pinwheel Pamela! Hard R-ded! Forcibly inserted ass trackers? Gladiator 2 sucks, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Also, Steel Trap was suggested to us VIA email by Shay. Thank you Shay ... this was an absolutely tremendous contribution to the show, and we're all worse off for it.
Email us, you cowards.
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Adam Sandler! Going Overboard! His first movie ever! Streaming for free on Tubi, and you’ll still want a refund! This movie is really, really bad.
Hard to be clever and/or poetic after watching something like this. Absolute bullshit experience all around. Welcome to Season 21 (or is it 24?).
Unfunny funnyman fails at farce, fumbles with female fraternization, and fosters flare for foes with firearms! Sandler satiating simpletons with sexism! Witless fourth-wall wavering! Straight-jacket homo-jacket homophobic humor! Scrapper Bob and Captain Slider! Very clean women? We hate Bryce, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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It’s the end of season 48, which means it’s time for an episode of THE BEST Movie Ever Made where the boys talk about Hereditary. We’re doing something a little different this week because Rob is underwhelmed, Bob is neutral, and Chris wants to be tea-bagged by Paimon and gargle all of his demonic goo because he loves this movie so much.
Is Hereditary the pinnacle of “elevated horror,” or is it patronizing poo-poo that undermines its own premise through its excessive use of foreshadowing? Tune in and find out!
Dude decapitates dad’s daughter and is damned to don a demonic deity derby! Family drama, or family trauma? Chomping on Chekhov’s Nuts! Unsettling scenes and surrealist style! Unforced foreshadowing that informs and frightens! Undeserved decapitation of dad’s daughter (again)! Undetermined direction daring you to define it, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we’ll be singing “VIVAAAAA LAS BIO-DOME!” because we’re talking about Bio-Dome. What a classic! What a great movie! What a masterpiece of cinema that Rob loves unironically while Bob and Chris try to figure out how to remove him from the podcast indefinitely as punishment for requesting that we review this one. Maybe they just don’t know how to free the weasel as masterfully as Rob does. Maybe they made attempts, but ended up getting their dicks caught in the ceiling fan instead. Who knows? But one thing we know for sure is that this episode is going to be as intense as the Great Chipmunk Fire of 1979.
Rest in peace, Buttercup.
Best bud bumbling bros betray babes, burst into a biodome, baffle bystanders and bluff botanist babes! Impossible repopulation VIA sentient baked potatoes! Intentional insecticide idiotic seek and hide! Bunny bombs! Waco Texas tactical torture on terraforming team! Midnight molestation! Steve Bannon’s Nazi grotto! Egyptian walking couches, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
OHHHHHHHHH! ECKS GON GIVE IT TO YA! That’s Ecks vs Sever… as in Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever– the worst movie ever made according to Rotten Tomatoes. Seriously. 0% across 118 reviews. This movie makes no sense, and we make no sense trying to make sense of it. What a mess!
We’re sorry.
Confusing cluttered calamity with cop killers, cars, kidnapping, carnage, and countless kinds of chaotic crap! Channeling the Banderas Flare! Caging a kid you’re caring for! Bald guy back-alley nose break! Blaringly obvious husband car bomb buttons! Expository sound snafus! Reversey guns! The golden age of reverberated Locrian moaning! Gratuitous “Ecks”haling! Lightweight aluminum tube trampling! Riding sideways on a prison bus! Standard-issue paperclip lock picking, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we talk about Willy/Milly, also known as Something Special, also known as I Was a Teenage Boy; a problematic body-swapping film from the’80s that definitely exists for some reason-- even though the version streaming for free on The Roku Channel is clearly an upload from a copy, of a copy, of a copy of a VHS tape. We also welcome Dave/Schmave, Bob’s brother, to talk about the movie that he requested for the sole purpose of watching us suffer immeasurably...
Geeky girl grows gonads and gives a gimpy guy a groin growth! Teleport talking! Suspiciously scrappy sex base! Semen is soda?! Never chew on a stranger’s beef stick! Top-tier tire tossing! Chris thinking about what Joe Pesci’s packin’! Junkyard jizz spots! Allowance wage gap?! Phallic flash card cock shocking! Childen's cartoon cuck chairs! Circle corners, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into 1985’s Gymkata, a spectacle of martial arts, gymnastics, deadly games, tongueless women, men with fake faces on the back of their heads, and a healthy amount of men falling to their deaths with a satisfying splat.
This one’s not currently on streaming, but is worth the $4 if you were to indulge in on-demand viewing.
Okay, yelling:
Johnny the gymnast joins a jiu-jitsu journey just to jab a jezebel! It’s a movie podcast, not a English tutorial! Mullet-O-Mania! Pitchforking poor people and poorly placed pigs! Aerobic back-alley attack on innocent arabian anybody! Caucasian con and consult! Androgynous elderly caterwauling creeps! Bangladeshing the Parmistani princess! Bright red Sweaters aren’t inconspicuous! The farmland of Parmistan! Back alley biker beatings! Bollywood whitewashing wiping out Neil Breen’s side scrote! Pommel pummeling, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into Theodore Rex; a film about a cookie-loving dinosaur with a heart of gold who needs to save the world from a new ice age because his creator has fish DNA that can freeze stuff, starring Whoppi Goldberg. We wish that the previous sentence didn’t exist, but that’s the most succinct way to break this movie down. If you want to know how bad this movie is, we need to gently remind you that this movie cost over $30 million in 1990s money and saw a direct-to-video release. Truly baffling.
Here’s the rub:
Dinosaur detective devours desserts, discovers a dinoside, and defeats delinquent dicks! Worst Movie welcomes back world-ending genocide! T-Rex trash receptacle transport! Untamed tail tappin’ tooshies! Scalebacks! Hardbody Bob! Ninja Grids! Imagine a T-Rex with huge tits! Whoopi “the fart incarnate” Goldberg steaming herself drippy! Kane’s nevermind nuke button! Theodore’s jizz jalopy! Dead dino skank wife, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we’re doing something a little different and talking about Steven Seagal: Lawman– a cop show starring Steven Seagal that’s streaming for free on Tubi, where it belongs. We point our focus to two episodes: “The Way of the Gun,” and “Crack War,” and we don’t think any further introduction is necessary to be entirely honest.
Steven Seagal sees suspects scurrying several suspicious scenes! Professor pudgy panting and pretending to be a police person! Jizz jazz jamming it in the same hole! Meandering motel meth molestation! Seagal’s backseat driving legitimately pissing off a real officer! Flagrant use of the word “Orientals!” Steven Seagal running! Steven Seagal speaking jive-talk in a misguided attempt to connect with the local community of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana! Steven Seagal shredding on a Stratocaster for childhood cancer! Steven Seagal, Steven Seagal, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Steven Seagal.
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This week, the guys get into ... nothing at all! It's New Year's Eve, and we're tired. 2024 ran us through the meat grinder, and we're currently trapped in the casing of a 3am hotdog. But in all seriousness, we've been doing this for 182 weeks without missing an episode, and we'll be damned if we break that streak! Chris is on a strange soul-searching pilgrimage in the Belgian Congo, we haven't been able to locate Bob since his last ether frolic, and Rob... he's probably just sitting in the corner of a dark room and flashing a light intermittently at a picture of Neil Breen.
Stay tuned later this week (probably Thursday) for our special one-off roundtable discussion of Steven Seagal: Lawman. You're not gonna want to miss this one. Thanks for listening!
Also, Chris really, really loves Tears for Fears.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we dive yet again into the Neil Breen Cinematic Universe (NBCU) to talk about the film that started it all: Double Down. There’s not much that we can tell you about this film aside from what Neil Breen tells us about himself through his many, many exposition dumps, so you might as well watch the movie, and then listen to this episode.
Let’s do this!
Desert dwelling dude donning diverse devices, deadly drugs, and a dead damsel! Terminator timpanis! You can tune a piano, but you can’t Tuna Man! The ole excuse me anthrax application! Super sandy sleep sack storage of a spouse’s skeleton! Documenting a dead dame’s deterioration and decomposition? Breen’s buoyant bean bag! Cranial cancer-curing side quests! The Willhelm Breen! Unexplained food fumbling! The magical rock/mushroom dice-hole world! Biological warfare for the halibut! Vanishing old man head blood! Disappointing lack of jizz buckets, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week’s episode is all about dancing for what you believe in and standing up for your rights in the face of adversity. That’s right! Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is now in the running for the title of “worst movie ever made.” I remember being relentlessly bullied as a child, and you know what always solved my problems? Busting out the ghetto-blaster and showing off my new pop-and-lock routine to my adolescent antagonists. How did things work out for me? If you’re a regular listener, you already know the answer: not great.
Here we go with the yelling.
Boogaloo buddies banished from building bounce back and bring in bank by breakdancing! Horse-toothed politicians! Mannequin vivisection? Taking the toolkit of a tradesman trying to take home some tender! Flatline flash-dance! Pushing your pirouette partner out of possible parisian profession! Tumultuous tummy touches! The ‘80s Macy’s “focus group cool” aesthetic! Far-fetched Fat Albert connection? Chris’ bottomless olive pit(ted)? Words production! Rotating Space Odyssey Acquisitions! Too many Turbos in the hot tub! Engaging oysters with your drone! Softcore gang wars, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we do something that’s not featuring some washed up wrestler from the ‘80s (read: Diane Keaton), and speed-run into the future with Megalopolis; a masterclass in botched futurism and half-assed allegories created by none other than Nicolas Cage’s eccentric, and exceedingly wealthy uncle. Do the metaphors fall flat? Yes. Is the acting stifled and awkward despite the talent involved? Also yes. Does this whole thing play out like a Neil Breen movie with a $150 million budget? Abso-fucking-lutely!
Let’s go!
Cesare screws Cicero’s sweetheart, stops seconds, and survives shooting! Sudden swastika stump! Labeouf and Voight! Ruining our recollection of the Romans in real time! Don’t tread on me toss-away tipoff! Live Free or Try Hard? John Voight’s cross boner, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Man, oh man! This week we’re fittin' to talk about Steven Seagal, Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo, and … that other guy with the fucked up hands as seen in 2013’s Force of Execution; a film that makes so little sense that you’ll wish you were bitten by not one, but two exceedingly rare and extremely poisonous scorpions before getting your hands broken with a hammer.
Felons fire firearms, fracture fingers, and fist fight a flabby fellow! Professor Pudgy rides again! Seagal, the ethnic human defeater! Ordering entrees almost at the end of the eatery’s hours of operation! Witchdoctoring a woozy wanderer! Incredibly cloudy Kung-Fu character conception! Tarantino-esque N-word tallying! Inappropriate accent acting! Dick time and ball bandwidth! The Handless Henchman! Tom Holland Trejo trade? The Hellman’s implication! Bone breaking for speedy recovery, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we honor Shmave’s request to watch Baby Boom, starring Diane Keaton… who is in no relation to Michael Keaton, whose last name is actually apparently Douglas, but he had to pick a stage name because somebody else already had that name. That’s what Bob says anyway, and I’m too lazy to fact check. He’s probably full of shit, but I’m not going to bother following up on this one.
Bumbling boring baby boomers blending baby bites and rebuffing a billion bucks! Banishing your baby to a broken down bumpkin bungalow! The egregious Gerber grift! Bedless blanketless burka babe buffoonery! Bungling your bouncing baby and blasting her with bleach! Ovary-acting! Do we have female listeners? We don’t now! Ugly kids and mom graves! Fuck baby boomers! ALF and saxophones are cousins? The Tonight Show with Jimmy Phallic! Slowing down after the smooth jazz, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we dive into a good movie, no… a GREAT movie with Christopher Nolan’s Memento! A film that’s 1,000 times better than Floppenheimer. In our most humble opinion, Memento is one of the best examples of non-linear storytelling. But is it a perfect movie? Listen along and find out.
Missing memory man is manipulated to murder! Tarantino’s fetal-alcohol forehead? Joe Pantoliano and his sinister mustache! Rounding off the Arnold aesthetic. Narrator knows nothing, but needs knowledge for the film watchers! Banter for breathings! Totems for tracking the timeline! All encompassing ambiguity intentionally obscuring the objective! Crucial skidmark Safeway inspection and consumption? Chris’ pavlovian paradiddles! Bob saw Quiz Show! Denis Leary’s vortex of douchedom! Chris’ secret swamp sauce recipe, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into the life and times of Pistachio Disguisey, portrayed by Dana Carvey in The master of Disguise; a vehicle for (poorly executed) bits, and literally nothing else.
Impossible impersonations don’t improve an idiotic idea! A forced PG project! Chris’ tortoise tootle! So many silly celebrity sightings! Olson Twin Pedophile prank! 417 and dental for fucking around with this 411 fartbox! Mom suggesting a side street as a skate park! Cherry Popping Baddies, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about Eddie Murphy’s “Meet Dave,” a family movie about hotdog abuse, and… other stuff.
Water-sucking orbs! Micro men and maidens move past many moons to maneuver a massive man among morons. Salsa over saving species! Mojito sucking mamis! Bob Spocks? Kitty-cat kickball! Allowing any alien adult access to adolescents! Lieutenant Buttox! Bob’s sneaky SyFy misdirect! Milli Vanilians! Kevin Hart! Where’s the FBI?! Taser-charged shoe ships! Chris bad credit scatting over Donna Lee, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we're finally firing up the Breen machine. That's right, until now, we've never sat through one of Neil Breen's movies. Now that we've thoroughly flicked our Breens into submission, we can now say "Breen there, done that." Fateful Findings! A movie about... something.
Confusing cascading cacophony of cubes, killing, and cuckoldry! Wanton destruction of laptops! Re-gag rescue! Soft-core stepdaughter skinny dip bubble bath! Nip slip polo shirt drip! Burgerless buns and bunless glizzers! No 911 for your overdosing girlfriend while you bury your cube in another woman’s mushroom hole! Who is Mr. Insurance?! Sam Hell contract cameo? Faulty gauze protocol! Neil Breen’s ass, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into Hell Comes To Frogtown, which is basically just Children of Men with better production values. Not really, but it’s 10x more entertaining.
Yelling:
Rowdy Roddy wrangles reptiles and ravages refugees! Three frog dong situations! Problematic chastity flaps! Bob’s jizz bucket! Prominent pilsner product placement! Face-masking the frisky frog lady! Teasing the toad until triply tumescent! Forced fornication with fertile females on infertile flats! Spangle spanking sacks! Fiber-enhanced fucking? Electrocuting Sam’s sperm seems silly considering the situation! Spangle’s stage-lit seekers! Mad Max amphibious transport? Chris’ corner caterwauling! Rule 34 applies to Shrek too, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we're going to celebrate the steaming cinema turd known as BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR!
You knew we’d end up here sooner or later, so here goes nothing:
Avian atrocities around amateur actors and actresses' awkward adventure! PSAs out the A! Famished little fuckers refusing fish for French fries! Rod finds a rod! Badasses banging their burners at birds and a bus! Gallon gouging after getting got by gratuitous gulls. Brenda wig on the bark beetle guy! Improvised eyeball scabs! Pausing pursuit of peace for picnic pleasantries! Ominous grunting! Moore/Nguyen Rod proxy, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we get into 1985's Perfect, starring Terl from Battlefield Earth, and our favorite scream queen, Jamie Lee Curtis... but the only screaming that can be heard would be coming from our respective domiciles as we thrust and wiggle our way through this two-hour-long abomination.
Aerobics amateur and aerobics auteur are actually annoying and acting atrociously! On-the-nose artwork all over your architecture! Walking through women’s post-workout waterworks! Gang-bang engagement party? Splashing your Sazerac on your stenographer, staining the scenic eatery! Johnny T’s meat market meandering! Sphincter Muscles! Tarantino sucking on the brava-toes? Tits McGee! Curtis’ yogurt devotion! Badminton in the West Wing? Gyroscopic genuflecting! Transcending the sniffing distance, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we take a look at White Chicks, a movie that couldn't be made today because of THE CULTURE WAR according to some dipshit on YouTube.
Yelling:
Shitty spies - shrouded as shallow socialites - shimmy, shoot and, go shopping! Hangnail trebuchet! Wanton destruction of small business! Popping pistols at purveyors of Popsicles! The bestiality buildup! Cosby Drops (™) in the club! Dexter Deb’s eating disorder! Faux-feminine flatulence! Janice is not X-Ray Cat! Travolta trotting a Hilton hound! Chris’ rap battle reaction vids, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we’re revisiting 2006’s The Wicker Man because Bob wasn’t a part of the show when we did this as our second episode, and we had to subject him to it as a rite of passage because he reveals that he had never seen it. ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Okay, time for the yelling because there is no shortage of that here!
Rob got strobed! Cage as a cop comes to a Celtic cult only to cook to a crisp! Fists to female faces! Gunpoint bike-jacking! Pre-ritual rigamarole! Baby boy bye-byes! Ball draining litmus tests! Ceremonial sacrifice of an innocent human! Not every waitress says “hun!” Private investigator wearing professor patches? Bee goo man-jam transference! Tall Jawa beekeeping B&E, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
New season, new format, and new us! What does that mean? We're onto some new bullshit in the form of 1991's Cool as Ice; a movie that Machine Gun Kelly probably unironically thinks is the coolest thing ever. There's no way to prove this statement, but we feel it in our hearts. Let's do this!
Rudimentary raps from a ridiculous race-robbing cradle robber! Jacking a Jill's journal! Fucking for forgiveness! Floor-humping a female fresh from high school! Hopping a fence, harming a horse, and hurting a hottie! Flicking the finger water! Whack-head tried to play baseball with my home-boy’s bike! Construction yard cassette tape kidnapping catalysts! Schlinging a schlong, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Good movie week, so it's time to talk about 1986's Aliens! Wow what a movie, let's talk about it.
Facehuggers are fellated by fellas and females to form fierce foes! Bill Paxton! Supremely sophisticated set designs! Quick creation of complex characters! Excluding irrelevant explanations! Hovering over hopelessness! Crafting claustrophobia! Mute Newts! Strong female character crescendo! Forklift foreshadowing! Cumming inside the prop sock! Baboon shriek alien screams! Holly-washing Vasquez! Classic badass load-out trope! Hard sell on the suspicious Bishop! Leaving Newt in the facehugger fish-tank room! Android air duct slithers! Problematic space vacuum rippy-bits, JAMES CAMERONNNN, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Steel, starring Shaquille “Big Aristotle” O’Neal, steals our heart, but you will soon see that it all falls apart. This movie may have well been a part of the DCEU, but hey, 1997 was long before Ezra Miller was caught with their Flash flaps down, so who are we to judge?
Shaq shits the sheets as a steel sporting super sucky celebrity! Wanton destruction of private property! Looney Tune metal man on a motorbike! The rocket booster hove-round! Wheelchair bound power plasma! Pirating the paraplegic without punishment! Not necessary Nazis! Disrespect for the disabled! Multiversal Chad and his 3 am hotdogs! Sparky Hawking? Uncle Joe’s Soul Train danger dance! Radioactive rafter bites? Manhole Hummer blowout coverups! Sneaky jailhouse satellite correspondence! Giving Sparky the kid named finger! Riff Ruggles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we talk about Krull… or Big budget Ice Pirates? It’s a fantastic formative fantasy, far from faulty film fodder… but far from flawless. Let’s get into it!
Consuming some snot’s cinnamon snack and saying he’s unimpressive! Whimsical warhorses laying waste to wheat fields! Doody wrapped boomerang blades! Medieval galaxy space knights with laser halberds! Sacrificing innocent civilians, stalling for your savior! Slapping your stallion! Silly goose garbling! The ever elusive mystery sack! Four tons of cork? Attack of the glass arachnids! Colwyn, all ‘80s jacked in his space spandex! Urgent business in that direction, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Jack and Jill ... deserving of its abysmal Rotten Tomatoes score? Or just another by-the-numbers late-in-career Adam Sandler outing? These are the hard-hitting questions that we try to answer in this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Sex switch sister satire steers from snickers! Rattling the Sandler slot! Shameful ShamWow Shlomi and Jail-bait Jared sharing a scene! Adam’s audacity acting as Jack impersonating Jill! Adults amused by animal abuse! Back and forth Sandler banter! Improper Pacino Immersion! Katie Holmes’ Sylvester mouth? Palpable amounts of porcelain punishment, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we break down Not Another Church Movie. A Tyler Perry parody film… or a Tyler Parody. A comedy making fun of a comedy. Let that sink in.
Okay, yelling.
Miraculously and maliciously making a mockery of Madea! Double booby Robby Bobby five-point pitch shot! Busdriver bribing babe to bear her bazoombas! Grandpa’s got gas gags! Homophobic humor hinged on high-speed dating! Crossbreeding a humpback and a sow? Making fun of comedy! Rob foregoing the fart bait! Halloween house clown side-stories! Buffington butt-water was never a birthright, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about suburban commando, a film that would have been better served by a 17-minute ruin time. This one was so tough to get through that our generally grating and nasal voices actually have a soothing effect when compared to the source material in question.
Let's get into it!
Hulk Hogan helps the hapless while heaping heaps of havoc! Doing a doggy dirty by fencing its face for a film! Totaling a traffic light with extra-terrestrial tommygun! Attempted adolescent automotive assault! Skyward skateboards, flying felines, and catapulted kids! Schwarzenegger switcheroo! Space Wine! Paperboy pummeling! Shelley Duvall was in The Shining! Rabbit Rebar! Bob’s deep south streaming! Cocker spaniel face-cages! Kid corvette collision comedy, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we talk about Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark. This is our first Boll film on the pod, and now that we know what to expect, it probably won't be our last.
Here we go:
Creature critters created by crooked archeologist crawl and crush craniums! SyFy CGI! Shattering sheet glass at the showroom by 713! Sledgehammered senior! White Walker from Wuhan knows Wushu! Anubis Glyph Reader 3.5? CROSSFIREEEEEE!!! That fucking nun! Sleeping security trope! Seven second strangulation! Tara Reid! The Xenomorph connection, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about Rudy Ray Moore's Dolemite, a film described as "The Citizen Kane of kung-fu pimpin' movies." Pretty sure we all loved it, but you'll have to listen along to find out.
Prison preventing protagonist from pimpin' puss, so parole the playa! "That's mighty black of you, reverend!" The detective downing dominoes on a dude just to be a dick! Destitute dude main-veins meth in a drug den! Dish powder muff diving! Brothel bits! Tumultuous tummy tickles! Bob clinches the Tit-Scope M title! Two Torgos knocking knees! Cocaine fish, and heroin stuffed halibuts! Squeezin' bitches out of existence! Pasty politician ass! Protagonist pimp punching his paramour mid-pounding, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about 1985's Malibu Express. Or as we like to call it, "Tits: The Movie."
Melons and milk monsters and mammaries, oh my! Shane shamelessly shoots shower shenanigans after committing coitus with coerced consent! Blblblbl in the porn water! Penile puns! Finagling the fudge rudders! Eating furniture? Buffington buffoonery! Pulsating Playmates! Shielding from the sun with a shoe visor! Rump radar! Far too many characters to keep track of! Cody’s almost anal adventures! Car dealership desert daughter does the deed for a drive! Distinct lack of Buffington butt water, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Season 18 kicks off with a bang... wait that's not well written. And neither is 1987's The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. A Topps Chewing Gum Production. Great to be back in the bad movie trenches, but we weren't prepared for this one.
Crude creatures from collectible cards cause confusion! Keeping ugly kids in a garbage pail! Attempted murder/pipe logic combo from hell! Overworking the otherworldly for snizz-snazz! Tangerine teasing a tiny teen! Chasing children for chump-change! Dodger sneaking sweat-shop sniffs! Fire-escape peeping tomfoolery! Making merriment with the less mature! Misguided marketing mishaps! Rivers of shit! Chris and Rob both piss their pants! Boy gets booby baffled! Pedo-film-ia? Aerosol Cosby Drops! Dodger jumped the Juice and jammed his jowls, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man... Chris doesn't want to admit it, but he loves Grosse Pointe Blank. One of the best rom-coms ever crafted, starring John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Dan Aykroyd (Chris' personal favorite), and ... others. It's a thrill ride. Enemies become friends, and friends become enemies. POPCORN!!! let's do this.
Hunky hitman hooks up with honey from high school for hi-jinks and hilarity! Jumpy John’s judo-ing a gentleman in the gym! Aykroyd abusers! Randy Quaid & the Star-Whackers?Minnie Driver! Jeremy gets Jameson and Cusack gets a club soda! A convincing level of guarded enthusiasm! Actio-dramedy? Extreme pipe logic, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into a little slice of hell called The Glove (1979); a movie so terrible the critics didn't even bother. BUT!... Bob and Rob kind of secretly liked it (don't tell Chris).
Prisoner pummels police with pernicious peripheral! Wanton destruction of police lieutenant’s property! Dropping daughter at daycare, driving off before she dips through the door! Not a noteworthy narrative! Foreshadowing from Prospector Pete! Dog the booty hunter? Sniffin’ and lickin’! John Saxon jive-talk! Inflation analysis! Mustachio piccolo playing pool person! You can’t beat a meat fight! Drops of Noir? Camping with the switchboard bitch, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Chris, Bob, and Rob finally hop on the bar and talk about Coyote Ugly... a film so bad that the podcast episode is almost as long as the damn movie itself. A brief write-up can't sum up everything that's wrong with this turd, so let's just get into this abomination the only way we know how!
Displeasing dancers drop drinks on drunk dudes! Bar owner babe with bad business blueprint! Practically petrifying poppa by popping a u-ey on the parkway! Navy nerds nabbing and dry-humping tap-house hooker! Back-alley ball bobbling! Obvious Aussie ogling! Miming musicians mindlessly meandering! Bob blinded by the Piper! Chris opens the dildo door! Cramming in the Casio! Hard to kill hospital hog-style heat! Cosby Drops, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We (Rob) used to think that Nicolas Cage could do no wrong, but wow... get a load of this stinker! Left Behind. The rapture movie where everybody goes to heaven naked apparently.
Cage creates Christian catastrophe! Little person POS PSA! Bitch breaking windows with bibles! The return of Wet Willy Whispers! The supersonic Skipper suffocating scared citizens! Muslim/Midget martial arts! Potato roll blow-softeners! Hammers of cheese! Damsels with dementia left dangling by their deity? Baseball clubs! Sippin' on that Green Mountain money! Believer wieners! U2 bang bribes, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Stay tuned next week for Coyote Ugly.
This week, we talk about Simon Sez... a buddy comedy starring Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Can you guess which one tries having sex with a couch?
Listen along to find out.
A mandarin martial artist and a militia of mimes! Gagging a girl while grabbing her for good! High-speed grabbing and nabbing! Bikini babe B-roll! Wanton destruction of personal property! Hymen Pez? Sniffing on the Cosby Drops! Fist fight of the flesh featuring fornication! Fuzzy tit scope! Endless streams of goons! Pole sliding upside down gun-slinging nonsense! Palpatining the PC? Inexplicable math holes, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
What can we tell you about Xanadu that you don't already know. Nothing... because after watching this movie, and then talking about it for roughly 90 minutes, we're still not sure what happened. Rob had a button that played RUSH songs on his sound board, and he didn't get murdered by Chris and Bob, which is evidenced by him typing this diatribe.
Xanadu, here we go:
Skating specter seduces Sonny and a senior citizen simultaneously! Cost-cutting cartoon for correct chronological conclusion! Successfully suckering a senior out of his savings! Declaring disco den dead for desperate divine devotion! Stealing someone’s cycle then smashing into something (wanton destruction of private property)! Fantasy fodder! Artists making a living (kind of)! Super sad city skating sequence with Sonny, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
We're doing another Dennis Rodman Movie Next week. Stay tuned to find out which one!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Did the gang mess up their calendar synchronization? Because Rob has good reason to believe that Dr. Giggles should have been dissected on good movie week! Hi, Rob breaking the fourth wall here. Chris and Bob hate me, and I've never been happier with myself. Let's get giggled!
Jaded junior jams on jive jokes while jabbing and jolting Jennifer! Cardiac crimes including killing kids and co opting their cadavers! Blocking your buddies in an abandoned bedroom! Lingerie larceny (left in luggage, looks luscious?)!Loudly loving in your little lady’s living space! Daddy’s snazz on the side! Mentally impaired moaning maniacs! The Butty Putty Man? Eye heaving! Time-padding flashbacks! Ultimate Jizzbee! Bowls of Balmy Breyers, and much, much more no this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We're not here to talk about the 2016 Jennifer Anniston romantic comedy that has an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. We're here to talk about the 1980 Charles Kaufman revenge thriller of the same name that surprisingly has a much higher score despite... lots of issues. You'll just have to tune in to find out exactly what those issues are. In the meantime, here's the rundown!Rapey rubes run around ruining roommate’s restful respite! One woman wields the word taco in the movie! Riga-more-kiss? Locking lips with your besties limp lady body! Wanton destruction of small business! Hi-tailing it on the hick whose hut is all higglety pigglety! New Jersey bayou backwoods bodega blunders! Strangulation surprise by slouch of a sex partner! Festooning your fucked up friend with foliage! Nude shoot no-nos? Beer can counts that don't compute! TV turkey carver combo kills, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We finally found The Worst Movie Ever Made... holy shit! We'll keep doing the show though, but know that we're never gonna top this.
Torgo touches torsos and triceps trying to tease a tryst! Dummy-thicc ricket knees! Obvious and off putting overdubbing! Telling teetering Torgo to take your travel bags!Fuck this family but fuck this feeble-minded father especially! Wily window-watching wizard and peeping Torgo the pajama peeker! Torgo touching dormant temple temptresses! Personal piano slaves, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Welcome to season 48 of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Time to talk about Jean-Claude Van Damme, one of our favorite podcast mainstays. This week, we talk about 1996's The Quest, which is about a guy who does stuff that's irrelevant, and then becomes heavyweight champ or something.
Basic burglar befriends Bond before brawling with a bevy of bruisers but barely benefits! Making multiple movies mirroring each other! Stilted jester connection! Rob's Benoit/Dubois conundrum! Indefinite instructions, ball bashing, and literal murder! Mongolian nipple flicks (bean dip!)! Oriental orientation in need of reorienting! Chris quits on capped kids when cops come! Shout-out to Schlitz! Wanton destruction of dinner table! Gold dragon getaway blimps, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
blows into conch shell
GOOD MOVIE WEEK!
The Running Man... yeah!
Felon friends flee and fight five frightening followers! Orwellian execution! Chainsaws to the cock! Fun prison break! Richard Dawson! Whitman, Price, and Haddad! Futuristic fake film editing! “I’ll be back” sandwiches! Quivering bloody sushi? Combat cold cuts, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we take a close look at Steven Seagal's Out for a Kill; a movie about how awesome Steven Seagal is, according to Steven Seagal. Let's get into it, shall we?
Professor Pudgy parts with his partner prior to pouncing pill pushers! Fuzzy Tit-Scope (™)! Causing accidents by ambling through ancient artifacts! Wanton destruction of small business (again)! Monks versus mullet messing up a memorial! PowerPoint punishing! Wholesale slaughter of strippers and civilians in strip club, again, likely leveling local business! Sweaty double-fist shock-waves! Seagal sitting on sheisty stuntmen! Donald Trump deep-fake? Spider-monkey barber has bronchial tubes broken by bed-sheet, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Next week, we cleanse our collective palate with Running Man.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We done finally did it and watched Plan 9 from Outer Space; a movie that makes absolutely no fucking sense. You need to just watch the movie, and then listen to this episode, and then watch the movie while listening to this episode in order to unpack all of the topics we cover, including, but not limited to:
Rob’s early whore plugging! Deceased dudes and a dame decree death to dead land dwellers! Lieutenant’s lackadaisical legislating with his Luger looming! General disregards Dracula’s Judo chopped junior detective! Aliens aggressively, albeit accurately insulting Earthling’s intelligence! Unauthorized immediate excavation of under-croft! Advancements in such things? Cold water on the Albuquerque plan! Chris kills fish with faulty lighting, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we keep true to our word and talk about Death Race 2000 after a listener told us to watch it (email us!). Can't say we hated it, but it's definitely high-level trash featuring a young, but still marble-mouthed Sly Stallone that's totally worth viewing.
Careening killer cars cause commoners to kick the can!Nonsensical Neo-Nazism! Frankenstein’s giant jar of Cosby Drops™! Flawless and fully reformed frame and fuck-stick! Scoring senior citizens and tallying toddler trampling! Mister Machine Gun molly-whopping his main competitor’s mistress (Sly slugging slut)! Color coded correspondence, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever made!
Next week, we finally review Plan 9 from Outer Space.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about The Dark Backward... a movie involving casual necrophilia, Bill Paxton playing an accordion, and standup comedy apparently. You're going to want to listen to this episode because as much as we hated this movie, it's hard not to laugh at the clips we conjured up.
Extra extremities exciting an extroverted eccentric! Filth and moisture! Accordion playing opportunists! Licking dead dumpster ladies! Buffoonery based on big boned beauties batting Bill's bits and bobs! Boning your best friend’s broad! Leaving your lover when lumps turn to ligaments! Dom Deluise wheeze laughs! Doubling down on the third dick! Beef chiefs, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Hello!
Our fearless leader, Chris, wasn't able to make it to the show tonight. Apparently he had better things to do like catalog his stamp collection, play with LEGOs, purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, attend an super exclusive ass party (his words, not ours), have a cake, kick off his DJ career, have an important foot bath, get a new pair of glasses, watch Donnie Darko, repair his extensive collection of dream catchers, smell his neighbor's various lizards, and grab some milk from the store.
Bob and Rob took this opportunity to talk about what they've been watching outside of the podcast.
Here's what we talked about: The Lost Weekend, Vampire's Kiss, Godzilla Minus One, The Taking of Deborah Logan, and Come to Daddy, and some other stuff.
We'll resume with our regular show next week, when we review the strangest Bill Paxton movie we've ever seen, The Dark Backward.
Thanks for listening!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Time to talk about Time Cop. Do we follow Back to the Future Rules? Or do we follow Terminator rules? The answer is neither. We follow Jean-Claude rules, Van Dammit!
Time traveling trooper tracks trouble makers! Not necessary nut shots! Blown out ball matter! Tell me he’s going to kill your family! Fucking with Fielding’s feelings! Total recall wife face angle comparisons! Suicide centric comedy beats! Jerk off time ripples! Sax penetration sequences! Zero hour explosion tropes! Misappropriated beaver dubs, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Ray Milland rears his ugly head once again as we attempt to dissect 1972’s Frogs, a movie that's almost exclusively about alligators and snakes apparently.
Reptiles reap revenge on rich relatives! Fuck this frog in particular fling at the festivities! Play playing cards correctly, collect piece of Poppy’s pie! Grumpy Gramps gonna get group got! Director decides that doggy dies! Proud Elliot’s jean jumpsuit penis-pants! It’s practically picnic! Snake wiener sleeves! Man spraying! Amphibious antagonists? Toupee tomfoolery! Butterfly brutality! Sam Elliot’s moose knuckle! Lack of corpse urgency! Lady Crockett wants Pickett’s cocket in her lady pocket but Pickett don’t dick it! More like Lake Flaccid, amiright?! Froggy versus Jason, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
In 1976, Paul Schrader penned the screenplay for Taxi Driver, a film so important that it was considered "culturally, historically, or aesthetically" significant by the U.S. Library of Congress and was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry. In 2016, he directed Dog Eat Dog, which involves Nicolas Cage, Willem Dafoe, and Christopher Matthew Cook trying to steal a baby after a rousing game of "douse each other with condiments in a hotel room." Oh, how the great have fallen.
Ex-cons executing executions! Platitudinous portrayal of unprincipled police! Assuming an audiences’ indifference to infants! Mad dog murders mother/daughter and movie makes despicable move to moralize the dude! Rob wins the finger game! Hotel Heinz & Hunts! Double diesel potato! Stimulants and boobs, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We kick off season 38 of The Worst Movie Ever Made with The Thing With Two Heads... a screenplay that somehow landed a helicopter budget.
Athletic African American anticipating amputation avenges accusation! Doing deliberate decapitation despite donor in the dark! Jack trying to mack with the doc in the sack! Needlepoint for men! Rick Baker side-struts! Full movie half-nelson! Dutch oven delegations! Garage Sale Get Out? Shared lung semantics, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
It's good movie week, so we're talking about Predator, which directly inspired that one episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Carl has a toilet bowl with an invisibility cloak that destroys his body, but only before he gets a new body made completely out of eyeballs! We've got nothing clever to say here, so we'll get right into the yelling.
Arnold and almost Apollo annihilate adversary! Geena Davis jabs galore! Skinned humans still shocking! Hunters getting hunted! Blain’s MTV T-Shirt! Dillon's pencil pushing puts platoon in peril! Psychological impact on Mac! Arnie gets a Rambo reel! Accolade sack dipping! Alabama tick digs! Cowering under the power! Gay slander... not so good! Predator’s glowing porn water! Wild boar battles! Not enough bomb spears, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We're wrapping up season 106 with R.I.P.D., a movie that has so much ham jammed into its third act that it's basically a fistful of mechanically separated pork. We've been doing this for a long time, guys, and we're tired. But next week we're going to watch Predator to cleanse our palates, so we won't run the car in the garage with the doors closed just yet!Ryan Reynolds’ reprehensible ripoff remake! Chris’ liquid shits! Kevin Bacon’s heroin hairline! Hot gas having passed through a dead ass is hilariou-ass! The haunting Hong Kong howdy do! She must die to say goodbye! Self-righteous chestnuts? The resting penis department! Aperiodic accents! Beard biting bitches! Vindaloo vitriol, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we finally took a look at the infamous Showgirls! Or as we like to call it, Whiplash with titties!
Too many titties to TitScope (™)! Casually kicking cocks and causing chaos! Being a bitch to the babe that bought you burgers (and everyone else)! Crazy woman cusses wildly causing wimpy kids to wig out! Conjuring conflict by creating non-consensual coital climax completely clear of context! Disappointing lack of White Zombie! Zack’s satisfying cell-phone snap! Nomi swinging her sweat smells! Burgers and fries taste better out of red plastic baskets! Walking with jizz jazz in your jeans! “I’ll do anything but ice my nipples!” Chris hates saxophones, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Next week we watch Ryan Reynolds take his shirt off.
Morbius. Mighty Morbin' Morphian Morbius. Wow. If the audio issues we had on this episode were any indication, we'd venture to guess that Jared Leto's stupid ass broke our podcast. We edited out most of the audio issues (Chris' My Little Pony themed soundboard was on the fritz) for your listening experience, but we'll never forget. Just like we'll never forget watching this piece of doo doo.
Yelling:
A virtual vampire vehicle is very vexing! Opaque overnight offense obscuring optics! Megachiroptera are murderers! Making main character Morbius a mild-mannered mercenary murderer! Post-pandemic 2022 bat blood transfusion trouble! Fake cure for real rare blood disorder! Stupid light flicker hallway maneuvers! Is Morbius Batman? Garbage heap Gordon Ramsey, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
If you want to see us fiddle with our audio interfaces for an indeterminate amount of time, the unabridged video version of this episode will be available on YouTube this coming Sunday, which could be found at:
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We're coming in hot and heavy with Cutthroat Island, one of the biggest box office bombs in history (adjusted for inflation). This film is a naughty nautical adventure of a lifetime that nobody wants to be on, including us. But here we are, doing what we do best and beating ourselves over our heads until the concussion stars start to look like hidden treasure in our mind's eye.
... moving on.
Painful pirate production proves pathetic! Whore hates Morgan’s homosexual hints! Firing on fine townsfolk! Putting a pocketknife in a person’s posterior! Pointing piercy pokers in a person’s penis! Damaging daddy’s dermis with a dull dagger! Screech the boob-ruiner! Untreated scalp goo? Sewage pipe logic! Scribbly dome semantics! Mail order tavern wenches! Way too skinny quicksand sticks! Worm-fisted monkeys, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Email us, make fun of us, and most importantly, recommend movies. Next week we'll be watching Morbius because Jacob emailed us and told us to watch it. This could be your life, but you're a coward.
Welcome to episode 133, where we talk about The Number 23. But why? Well the answer is simple. 100 - 33 = 67. 67/2 = 33.5. The almond milk in Rob's fridge is 10.5 days past its "best by" date. 33.5-the almond milk... HOLY FUCK IT'S 23.
Cinematic crap cognizant of confused computation of cardinals! Reading raunch with your rug rat! Crazy counting clogs, cross trainers, cleats, and cowboy boots! The festival of eating a fuck-ton of dogs! Relocating remains for your reprobate romancer! Burn the book, bitch! Long gone paper flaps? Undocumented dog catchers, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week we talk about 1998's Godzilla; a movie about a worm scientist who's in love with a reporter. There's also a giant monster somewhere in the mix.
Frenchie frequently flicking phalanges on fully automatic firearms! Unprofessional paleontologist pickup in a pickup attempt! Sincerely stupid sequel setup! Step on it, Mr. French! Reverend Lovejoy’s pump-and-run! The R word! Signature weapon breath? Pure bullshit shock attempt with the Met-Life building hole! Disappointing lack of Tommy Lee Jones delegation! Reverse red-eye? Lizard shivers, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Email us, you cowards.
The gang celebrates Boxing Day by reviewing A Christmas Story 2, a movie that is of use to fucking nobody. Bah humbug! Let's get into it.
Gratuitous garish gags and gobbledygook! Scummy and salacious Santa! Patting a perfumed pair of puppies! Heavyset high-top hilarity! Sneaking subtle Drusilla sniffs! Regrettable recasting and resetting! Facepalm slapstick! Loose lip service, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we take a harrowing look into the world of Darius Emanuel Grouch III, aka "The Rumble," in Money Plane. Money Plane is definitely a movie. As the title suggests, there is money, and there is a plane. But do they get the money from the money plane? Your guess is as good as ours! Tune in to find out.
Crummy career criminals crash a cruising casino! Heist posse failing to pinch a Picasso! Payday painting propped up on patio pavement! Best bud bedtime B&E! Putting your partner, princess, and pal in peril! Bad look black Irish McGillicutty mockery! Late-night toilet flush reach-around semantics, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Tonight we wrap up season 83 with a good movie in the form of Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx. This is the Chan-man in peak form, pummeling and punishing as he dashes through the dizzying streets with a diamond dilemma! Surely a must watch. Let's get into it!
Fists of fury, yet funny with finesse! New York’s character as a character! Uncle whatever’s interracial engagement! Awesome angle asking Angelo to escape the evil agency! Wanton destruction of small business! Gang breaking glass bottles on cornered Keung! Jackie Chan taking a stroll in the parkour! Mud butt, fluid flaps, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Stay tuned next week for Money Plane.
The bad movie portion of season 92 comes to an end, and we talk about Con Air, which is actually a good... no, a great movie according to Rob and Bob. Chis doesn't seem to think so, but he eventually sees the light. Boomer wet dream? Maybe. Rife with cliche? Perhaps. Balls to the wall amazing? You bet your top dollar. So let's chill some lemonade, and get into it!
Undeterred by typical thriller tropes! Gambling Garland Green’s Vegas getaway! Ditching your daughter to drag down Diamond Dog and Cyrus! Problematic portrait of particular prisoners! Prisoner Pinball insulting and igniting a Native American! Putting the Cage in Cajun! Unreal action in the third act! Chris slurping on the wine stein! Cyrus cypher! Penal lore, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
MIAMI CONNECTION! You knew it had to be coming sooner or later. Let's get into it...
Singing shirtless strays falling into several skirmishes! Snow chasing ninjas! Fistfight frenzies! Smashing your sister’s sweetheart at her school! Frequently flubbed dubbing! Catcalling car-riding beach-side band bros! Tasteless time wastin’ tits and biker butt! Booby B-rolls! Out of context salami drops! Hand-me-down kitanas! Nosy toesy clenches! Broccoli cut Tom Selleck, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Tell all your friends, we gotta beat out the claw boss.
This week we talk about Escape from L.A., or as it's stylized, John Carpenter's Escape from L.A., which is basically a sequel to the far superior Escape from New York, even though it's basically just a remake. Let's get right into it, and get shittin' on Snake Plisskin.
Carpenter and Kurt create a comeback with countless cameos! Abandoning escorts, escapees, and atheists on an offender-only island! Plisskin protecting fire-proof parka positively parching president’s perverse princess! Harvesting human hunks, hoping for healing! Lackadaisically landing on leveling Los Angeles! Crappy carbon-copy cop-outs! Hershe! Rob’s slug plugging! Greco-Roman sex style President! Mini-nuke batteries? Power-plant logic! Death Basketball! A whole bunch of ‘sploseys, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This episode was an email request, so you know... do that, and we'll do more of this.
That's it. Show's over! We did it! We found The Worst Movie Ever Made (TM): Chairman of the Bored. Is this the end of the podcast? YES it is (read: no it isn't)!!! Did the movie hold up under scrutiny? Fuck no!
Release the alliteration Kraken!
Carrot Top’s cascading cartoonish character creating cascading chaotic calamity! Bob breaks out of the number two ditch! Shower curtain crashing on Carrot Top cleaning his carrot! Carrot Top condom career comes careening down when female’s father finds a French tickler! Throat joke lady! Foolish and frequent flatulence! Edison’s inability to respect the inanimate! The keys and peas switcheroo! Why is he always yelling? Round name aesthetics! Influx of inappropriate innuendo! Baby womb chemistry kits! Too much ridiculous nonsense to enumerate! Releasing killer bees mid-meeting, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we talk about the 1991 Brian Bosworth blockbuster, Stone Cold. Though this film boasts the typical early '90s action movie trappings, Chris and Rob kind of loved it. Bob also loved it, but he won't admit it. Let's get into it!
Wicked white washed wayfarers! 14.5 boobs! Wanton destruction of small business (again)! Crating commandos and capping them! Putting Ice on ice by pushing him into a person’s Plymouth! Prostitution! Maybe scabies? Bedraggled beards! The old fish factory! Total Moleman vibes! Biker Olympics? Aryan Brotherhood Cinematic Universe (ABCU)! One Eye, the penis pirate, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Next week, it's us against Carrot Top.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
1998 was a strange year... Universities were fully populated and operational on Fourth of July weekend, radio shows called their listeners and not the other way around, and we were supposed to feel bad for a protagonist who committed vehicular manslaughter and got away with it because they have bad dreams about the incident or something. We're talking, of course, about I Still Know What You Did Last Summer; a turd in blanket that bakes in the steamy Bahama heat.
Dave debates a dead body disregard! Joking about Julie’s justifiable jitters! Tyrell totaling a vulnerable valet’s voodoo display! Creole bone-tossing dice games! Singers with cheese! Clicky hand clutches? Campeos! Multiverse wiener semantics! Stifled boners! Meat stuffed roadside condoms, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
email us, you cowards.
This week, we talk about "One Missed Call," or as we like to call it: Toshiba J-T09: The Movie.It's also worth noting that there were several missed calls, otherwise the whole "voicemail is going to murder several people" thing wouldn't work. But after thinking about it, nothing about this movie worked.
We're joined by Chad Smith from The Last Comic Shop Podcast (https://www.lastcomicshoppodcast.com/)... something we alluded to in the first act of our show, because unlike "One Missed Call," we know how to actually build up into something worthwhile.
Pulling the pussy into the pond! Kicking cursed cell phones into sewers and fish tanks! Husband hanging himself when he has an abused daughter at home! Asking an audience to observe an adolescent expire VIA asthma attack! Chris defending baby Hitler? God dammit grabbing a girls face after she suffered abuse! Munchausen syndrome by proxy? Finding the doer! Dialing in on Druid time! Infertile adversaries! Swift ciggie singe suspicion! CGI cellphone babies! Faulty pipe logic rears its ugly head, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This episode is brought to you by TitScope.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We kick off season 29 with the one and only Idle Hands! Bob couldn't contain his excitement... he was so excited about this episode (because it's his favorite movie of all time), that he spontaneously combusted and couldn't make the taping. Just kidding, he was out drowning dogs in a shallow bathing pond like his hero John Travolta or something.
Anyhow...
Pushing puppies and flinging felines! Accidental ass grab accolades! Handsy hand hanging off the hooters! Tricking Tanya into near necrophilia! African apple turnovers! Gritty stripper music! Inconsistent curses! Whipping it around all willy-nilly! Chris-foolery? Back-to-back Jack-o'-lanterns! Covered in blood tourette’s? Tasers don’t do that! Pulling off the principal’s penis! Faulty pipe logic VIA industrial fan vent! Icarus’ Naruto run into the sun, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Get u some.
On this week's good movie episode, we talk about John Carpenter's Halloween; the iconic slasher that put the genre on the map. We get a little nit-picky, but it was all in good fun. The important thing is that we're watching Idle Hands next week. Let's get into it!
Killer Kid! Catalyst for John Carpenter! Terrific tracking shots!
Super iconic soundtrack! Laurie’s not listening in literature but answers accurately anyway! Camera makes mention of matches that later confirms murder! Creeper killer in the clothes lines! Totally made these terror tropes trendy! Doobie smoking teens! Hotdog influence! Freddy Krueger leaf sprinkling shenanigans! Corn starch mustard powder? Thing Pandering! Advanced Loomis learning, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Today we talk about Fair Game, starring one of the last great sultans of thespianism, William "Billy" Baldwin. What an unfortunate face he has.
Coworker and competing counselor want Crawford in a thong! Mom molly whopping her minor! Discharging on dude’s ding-dong! Chris, the internet boob sleuth! Leaving the little girl after leaving her mom! Crackin’ Cubans in a cab! Smelly steam-train sexies! Villain do svidaniyavoicemail violence! Max making vaggy mince-meat! Baldwin-breeding! Crawford cartridge catastrophes! Sunrise beach-run tropey opens! Inexplicable explosions! Railing on the rail! Penis prayers at the Dick Church, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we review Tiptoes, a movie with no protagonist, and a whole lot of problems. We're going to keep this write up short, and get right into the yelling:
Totally made up little people defense league! Pregnancy panic! Exchanging expectoration in a park full of pee-wees! Secret soiree sexies behind see-through walls! Jewish wedding jokes! Destroying the door of the doctor’s! Crying for chromosomes! Breastfeeding baby booze! Gary Oldman gets the gig! White girls with cornrows! Crying blanket Chipotle! Foregoing the pump and dump! Flabby action heroes, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
On today's episode we talk about Hard Ticket to Hawaii, or as we like to call it, "Dial ‘B’ for Boobies."
Chad Smith from The Last Comic Shop Podcast (www.thelastcomicshoppodcast.com) joins us in the third act to demasculate Rob with his Marvel knowledge.
Let's get into tit:
Immediate titties! Official uniforms showing ass! Jacuzzi boobs! To hell with honeymooners! Marketing Malibu Express! Gratuititties! James Bond bone jumping jokes! Handsy hosts! Speaking Spanish to Sumos! Investigatitties! Ridiculous raunchy remarks during rescues! Wet toiletritties! The “S” word with a hard “L-E”! End creditties! Elbow miss-snakes! Razorblade frisbees! Rowdy rocket-launching! Double-boobie bingo! Bamboozled by bulimia, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we took a look at Double Team, starring Jean-Claude van Damme (JCVD as we like to call him) and Dennis Rodman.
Chad Smith from The Last Comic Shop Podcast (www.lastcomicshoppodcast.com) joins us once again to talk about Avengers: Endgame during our Marvel segment where Rob increasingly wants to kill himself with each passing week.
Let's get into the nitty gritty:
Casual car-bombing! Chuck Voltage! Circus skirmish despite civilians! Maternity munitions! Nerve gas nursing homes! Wedding warfare! Mandarin man martial artist gang member! Resting a rugrat in an abandoned arena aisle! Shooting kids! Dennis "Trick Shot" Rodman! Cybermonks! Too many closeups! Laying the pipe on the formerly preggo protagonist’s partner? Reverse ROYGBIV! All terrain dump-trucks! Toe-tickling danger jumps! Foot Shank Redemption! Baby mine tiger arena battle scenes! Poop posture, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Steven Frederic Seagal is an American-born actor, producer, screenwriter and martial artist. A 7th-dan black belt in aikido, he began his adult life as a martial arts instructor in Japan and eventually ended up running his father-in-law's dojo. He also pooped himself once when Judo Gene Lebell choked him in a dispute that we can reasonably assume was about a plate of cupcakes. Though he vehemently denies these claims, he cannot deny that he starred in Sniper Special Ops, which made all three of us collectively shit our pants upon viewing.
Manhandling the media! Seriously sweaty stars except Seagal! Bashir being banished to the back of the big rig! Woman waving her wean in a war zone! Bullet begat side-boob! Reeling back into the real world with tightened torsos! Celebratory corpse captures! Gun flavored glizzies! No joy on the priority package! Disappointing lack of decoy congressmen, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Holy Shit.
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Next week, we're coming for Dennis Rodman.
We went a little long on this one, and it was for good reason: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was simply too good of a movie to not talk about ad nauseam.
Or so Rob thinks.
The reality of the matter is that we had a very special guest from over at The Last Comic Shop Podcast (www.lastcomicshoppodcast.com). So give a warm welcome to Chad Smith (no, not that one), as he pummels us with his comic book knowledge during "Rob's Magic Marvel Corner."
Back to Honest Abe...
Slavery! Child abuse! Abraham interrupting intercourse! To stand atop a man’s top hat! A human having no hindrance heedless of having a horse hucked at him and hitting him! Wild wild west painting people ripoff! Biting Lincoln’s Willy! Super hot slavery take! Double Steve! Six people per bush! All aboard the truth train! Pulling a reverse Forrest Gump, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Email us, you cowards.
Today we get our tusks wet with Phoenix Wilder and the Great Elephant Adven-- An Elephant's Journey. We have reason to speculate that they changed the title because they wanted to franchise this movie out at one point, and then decided to make it a standalone film after realizing that it sucked ass in every conceivable way.
Undeserving self-serving opening credits! Forgetting Phoenix! Collapsing a camp tent on an unconscious criminal! Eating an orange like an asshole! Visiting white-savior trope! Lack of justice for Uncle Jack! Anarchist unions! Chugging cave runoff water! Elephants understand English! Bottomless wood bags! High-gloss poacher head-shot folders! Hyping up the helicopter! Lugging along loose tusk bouquets, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
"Fuck polar bears."
- Chris
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Sequel time! There's just so much to talk about, so let's just get into the yelling part.
God awful graphics! Another attempted annihilation! Nerfing Shao Khan! Inner Earth hamster balls! Mud covered mammary glands! Middle-management gods! Super-secret elder gods! Getting mad at the dad god! Oh yeah, dyke fight! Pointlessly punishing Petra! New white Wet Willy! Twin tower toughness! Touching oblivion tips! Sucker/Spy bing-bong! Rubbery Baraka blades! Oiled flexing ascension towers! Bob’s front-flip umpire clicker, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Not a week ago, Bob was absent from our Pulp Fiction episode. This may come to you as a surprise, because Bob is Quentin super-fan #1. But he was missing for a very good reason: he attended a screening of Tommy Wiseau's The Room that was hosted by the one and only Greg Sestero (Oh, hi Mark!)
Join us for this bonus episode to hear Bob's story. Friends became enemies, enemies became friends, spoons were thrown, and we're provided with some great insight into what may very well be the worst movie ever made.
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We kick off season 38 with Independence Da-- Moonfall. A movie that's like Independence Day, but half as good, or twice as bad depending on how you look at it. This movie is different from every other movie we've ever watched because the primary antagonist is the Moon. You read that correctly. We need to kill the fucking moon.
We'd say don't watch this one, but our show depends on you watching it, so don't not do that.
Sam the slayer suckered by big cinema! The Birkenstock vegetarian hippy Mayan moon potato joke! Joking about John Bradley jumping into jeans! Inflating Elon’s ego! Space fire (again)! American exceptionalism! Deploying a couple dudes on daycare detail! Yelling NASA jargon and dumb people! Accidental Eureka tropes! Halle Berry! Sci-fi tropes skewed through a poo poo lens! Disappointing lack of squid wiggles, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Email us with movie suggestions, so we don't have to watch Moonfall again.
It's a good movie week, so we're going to talk about Pulp Fiction! You may notice that our beloved co-host, Bob, is not on this episode. It's for good reason! He's doing something secret, and you'll just have to listen to find out exactly why he couldn't make it to our taping.
Super satisfying soundtrack! John and Jackson just jamming! Great collective cast! Discouraging and discomforting drug scenes! Car crash carnage! Sodomy! Realism, surrealism, and post-modern jibbery joo!
There's not much we can say about this movie that hasn't already been said, but we make an attempt anyway.
We wanna do a mailbag episode soon, so please email us (www.theworstmovieevermade.com), and play this week's episode of "Fact Or No Fact" with us this week, make fun of us, request some movies, and join the conversation.
On today's episode, we watch Sylvester Stallone marble-mouth his way through a marauding gang motorbiking axe murderers, or something. Just like every Steven Seagal movie we've covered on this show, Stallone's Cobra also suffers from a very bad case of "fuck, he's good" syndrome, and he wants us all to know that he can do no wrong. Except for the police assault, and the witness banging, and the wanton destruction of small businesses, and killing way more people than the people suspected of foul play in the first place.
Let's do this!
Murder in aisle five! Mid-madman-mission marketing! Car chase with key witness cargo! Cop/witness bing-bong! Retro soda recommendations! Malicious bean sniping! SUCCUMBING TO THE GLIZZY! Fucking Jack! Knocking over pints of important blood! Super Sabrett! Personal armory tropes! Meat hooking the bad guy! Stiffing the steel, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We'll be watching Pulp Fiction next week because we feel bad about accusing John Travolta of dog murder multiple times this season.*
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*John Travolta is a dog murderer
John Travolta loves to kill dogs, and that includes 2009's Old Dogs. You heard it here first. Protect your pooches, or he's gonna get 'em! Analog emojis! Smacking somebody’s son with a soccer ball! Cringeworthy cross-eyed comedy! Charlie gets cheap chuckles! Tan Dan Indian Latin Oompa Loompa laughs! Homophobic hilarity! Camp counselors kid free Frisbee! Grieving group golf! Nutshot shenanigans! Seth Green! Facial paralysis punchlines! Little leprechaun in a business suit! Black guy whisperers! Sledgehammer editing! Bennigan’s humor! If there’s no Dinty Moore, it’s not hardcore! Robin Robot misfirings! The return of Pipe Logic, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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We're coming in hot this week with more John Travolta! We've done Battlefield Earth! We've done Wild Hogs! We've done Gotti! And this week, we're doing Michael... the syrup secreting Archangel with a penchant for murdering dogs on set apparently. Moving on... Es-kid-mos! Bob Hoskins punching poor defenseless plants! Gullible girl getting got by three guys! Doggy diatribe! Judge defendant bing-bong! Upstaging the house band! Rover revival ramifications! Michael’s magnetism means maidens may make misjudged magoo! Egg based comedy! Singing about pie! Arbitrary Archangel rules! Johnnyboy’s waterlogged doggy deaths! Chris is a seed dad! Aroma roofies! Molestation adjacent bonus rounds, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Next week, we're doing another John Travolta movie... but you have to listen to this episode to find out which one! www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We really bit the boner on this one with Dan Aykroyd's Nothing But Trouble, and we really don't have much to say aside "fuck this movie," and "fuck Bob" for winning last week's poll. But we're trying to find The Worst Movie Ever Made... for science, so this is what we do, even if we don't want to do it sometimes.
Lawyer/client bing-bong! Fleeing from the fuzz! Death by boner coaster! John Dressed in Drag! Saying Sorry to São Paulo! Sinful use of stardom to insult all of cinema! The last stitch on the bowtie! Ass grabbing Brazillionaires! Half-hearted Gallagher nods? Chris the Candyman, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This is the best episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made, and it's brought to you by Aegis Essential Oils (TM). In this confused and baffling exploration of environmental awareness, we see Steven Seagal run funny, type funny, get thrown like a rag doll like a bear, and kill a shitload of innocent people in the process. What a hoot!
It’s Inuits, not eskimos! Wanton destruction of small business (again, again)! Tapping the tribal chief! Seagall’s Sexcimo bear-battle spirit walk! Annihilating innocent oil workers! Helli-chopping henchmen! Blowing a big oil rig to escape an environmental emergency! Hard R-Get! Faulty morality arcs! Pipe cutting logic! Booby trap tree branches! Coke bottle ballistic boomers! Non-operational nozzles! Rockin’ the Rudd, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Today marks TWO ENTIRE FUCKING YEARS OF DOING THIS SHOW! And how do we celebrate? Did we build a cake? Nope. Did we read fan mail? No, because our listeners hate us as much as we hate ourselves for watching this donkey-doo week after week. Did we watch yet another movie starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Yes. Yes, we certainly did. And Rob watched another Avengers movie, so we think it goes without saying that morale is low. Let's get into it!
Tequila madness! Bitching out the boy by calling him a pussy in front of the platoon! Doing drugs while dealing with demons! Religiously motivated masochism! Violent ventilation monkey murder! Makeshift dissection of martian demons! Human trials trope! Reaper’s vague violent report card! Power bone saws! Caged animals for maximum bad guy effect! Pipe logic overload! Stolen hand identity access, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Two years, guys. Holy shit. Thanks for listening to our insanity! Tell your friends. No... better yet, tell your enemies, because our archives are a punishment to the senses.
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This week we talk about 2014's Guardians of the Galaxy. Just kidding, we actually talk about No Holds Barred, which is basically the same thing.
Wrestlers named Rip! Garbage gay bar gags! Felonious fighting rings! Manhandling the hostess by her head! The mattress firm fitness foothold and fapping fakery! Glistening baby oiled buttocks! Workplace womanizing! Server size nine self-burns! Rapey kidnap attempts! Unintentional suicide! Wanton destruction of small business (again)! Industrial arenas! Rip rallies, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Bill Cosby is a lot like Jello Pudding left out in the sun on a hot summer day; slimy and nauseating. Without any further introduction, let's talk about Leonard Part 6:
Mouth flap meandering! Five star team win! Comedy shortcomings in a Cosby comedy! Leonard leaving without letting his little one loose from a lasso! Lobster Cosby crotch! Overburdening ostriches! Playboy pipe logic! Jello Pudding! Egregious gribbit gags! Jane Fondles! Lambo cannons! Royalty free farts! Show stopping Cosby shots, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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It's time to end the season, and it's only fitting that we talk about The Disaster Artist for our "good movie" episode! For those of you who have been following closely, you know already that The Room won the worst movie of the season, so we figured we'd give our favorite bad production a nod with this James Franco Adaptation.
Sympathetic eccentricities! Creative cringe! Foreigner's football fascination! Supremely painful premieres! Dirty asses, beautiful hair, and much, much more on this week's Episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This Episode is proudly brought to you by: Uncle Murky’s Dirt Farm Adventure Zone, Super Squirters, Who Ate the Last Fucking Pop-Tart, Stacy? All Spice Brand Cold-Pressed Soap, The “Your Dad is a Mailman” Podcast, Sausage Sally’s Sauna and Brunch, Nelson Mandela’s Escape Room and Funhouse, Freezer Weezers, The Bomb Filter, Weed and Booze, Trolli Bright Crawlers, Kerbango, FAKEUMS the Plant Based Steak, Annoying Tiny House Blog, Wind: the Podcast, KoRnHub, Cool Rider Cigarettes, Hotdogs at 3 am, Piracy, General Admiral Sergeant Kernels, Mayonnaise and Scabs, Just Enough Butt Crack Jeans, Rob’s Property Management, That guy who’s always at guitar center playing the opening lick to sweet child of mine literally every single time you pop in there to buy strings, Santa Blob’s Sparkling Nog.
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We made it to episode 100! Let's celebrate it by looking at some boobs and listening to some one-liners! Samurai cop! Let's do this:
Offensively ineffective effects! Multiverse of mullets! Unwavering womanizing! Proto-Simpsons stroke guy! Decapitating the defenseless! Face and then a bunch more face! Patrol pussy hot pockets! Washington’s black gift! Investigative oil boil! Gentle tumbles at the blue lagoon! Rob hates Thor, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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This week, we talk about "Yor, the Hunter from the Future," or as we like to call it, ""Reb Brown, the Dolph Lundgren from the Bargain Bin." This movie is a little bit He-Man, and a little bit Star Wars, but it's mostly a disjointed piece of shit that has the entertainment value of slamming your dick in a car door, and the subtlety of a pillowcase full of doorknobs being thrown down a service stairwell.
Okay, so check it out:
Yor saving only the sexy! Lots of cheekage! Flooding the cave full of females! Consuming corpse water! Ka-Laa kill Rea! Women want Yor, and cavemen are cucks! Robot replacement theory! Pandora’s pleasure box! Two strikes for the Italians! Carnivorous triceratops! Choice meats! The ole “born with a mysterious medallion" trope! Fantasia Bat hang gliding! Exploding people living in a cave! Slow-mo dinos! Bloody tongue tickles! Bleep-Boop-Peyooooh! Atomic piles, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Open your mouths, our little friends! We're ready to sedate you with our viscous green goop as we dive into the tawdry tale of Troll 2. So grab a double-decker bologna sandwich, get your poppin' corn ready, and let's take a trip to the town of Nilbog: population, you! Peeping tomming! Pursuing and pancaking a bewildered woman in the wilderness! The meet and greet B&E! Feral and preposterous soft-core corn porn! Goblin genocide! They’re eating my mom! They're going to eat me next! OohhhMyGodddddddd! Peeing on the potatoes! Goblin mother teat squeezing! Opening casting for ugly southerners! Man tree prickle tickles! Rob hates almond moms! The power of bologna! Lululemon combat pants! Freelance arrow contractors, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.com
It's taken us 97 weeks, but we've finally given into peer pressure and watched The Room. A film that needs no introductions, so just give us a few minutes, bitch!
Denny attempting to dick down our duo! Minutes long love making! Johnny’s ill judged jesting! Freaking your friend’s fiancé! Bullying your buddy on a balcony! Breast cancer boomerang! Alcohol is for offenders, weed is for weirdos, and friends are manipulative! Mid merriment impromptu infidelity! I lost Johnny but I still have you right? Very wanting to be naked! Canadian bacon pineapple, and pesto artichoke pizza... or is it?! Multiple framed pictures of spoons! Gratuitous stomach humpery! Back alley pigskin scrimmages, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever made!
Stay tuned next week for Troll 2.
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Fiddle dee-dee! Episode 96 it be! We've got our four-leaf clovers, and there's so much we've seen! We're talking of course about Leprechaun! One of the films of all time.
Let's get into it, shall we?!
Kidnapping Celtic creatures! Pogo parricide! Unexpected shoe-shine expectorating! Ozzie! Bailing on the boy setting bear traps in the barn! Dyson and Dum-Dums! Paying for paint thinner! Jameson, nice! Ear biting boot maneuvers! Truck won’t start...twice! Very odd cut up dead cow arguments! Decoy shoe piles! Rob watched Thor! Drippy Uncle Sal! Chris’ scorecard kerfuffle! Pogo Gut Grinding, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! GET U SOMEEEEEEE!!!
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Brought to you by losing your lollipop.
Today, we talk about tank girl; a movie that takes 72 minutes to show us... a tank girl. This film is rife with edgy eighth-grade toilet humor, and that's where this movie belongs. And thanks to more faulty Pipe Logic™, we know exactly where this film will end up in history when we slam the handle, and wash away the sin that is Tank Girl.
Girl and boy bursting in on boyfriend’s botanical birthday suit! Blowing away bovine Battlefield Earth ground beef style! Prostituting children! Asian amputee experts! Neglecting your niece for a musical number! Bestiality! Cheeks and pasties! Humpty Dumpty face gutting! Rainbow Twinkie fluid, and three liters of high octane petrol! Fertile ground for soundboard sandbagging! Human dehydrator blood water converters! Clapping danger balls! Sexy sand showers! Pipe logic™ torture! Teenage mutant rapey kangaroos! 3 am glizzies on the cargo hijack mission, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Stay tuned next week for Leprechauns.
We have no words for Mac and Me. Just watch it, listen to this episode, and then agree with us.
Exposing earth to extracted extraterrestrials! Letting the lifeforms leave the lab! Table-sawing teen! EBAY ET eviscerating the entire house! Inhumane humanoid hoovering! McMerriment! Causing collisions careening your chair into traffic! Dr. declares death of “me” immediately! Obvious product placement moments! Whistling electricity fingers! Crawling inside the teddy flesh! Robert Patrick running! Casually enjoying Carnation (TM)! Chris thinks it would be funny if Mac choked to death on a Skittle, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Today marks the beginning of season 10. Our B-Movie Season! It also marks one year since Bob joined us in this masochistic endeavor that we call a podcast. And we're here with a question for all of you: what do you get when you cross Twister with Jaws? We don't know, because Sharknado wasn't that film, and we hated every single second of it.
Here's why:
Buttloads of blatant butt focus! Molestation! Shameful shark slander! Old people can’t hear! Supreme stupidity! Mako menstruation! Tornado helicopter shark bombs! Blegh! Tarrable Reid! John Heard, oh no! Obvious use of stock film! Disaster dog through line! Helipad shark flaps! Turtles for Tank Girl, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Brought to you by Pipe Logic (TM)
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We wrap up season 9 with Tremors, which is a good movie! Season 9 was all about huge expectations, and how big names and budgets could still leave a cinematic skid mark in their wake for all of us to witness. And as we transition to season 10, which will be our "B-Movie" season, we thought that Tremors would be an excellent bookend! So enjoy our banter, because this is as good as it's gonna get before season 10 starts!
Superb foreshadowing! Perfect pacing! Sick soundtrack! Correct character creation and cultivation! Science ladies! Creative camera angles! Imaginative movie monsters! Unsheathed wiener worms! Toilet Tecates! Earl insinuating Melvin maulings! Putting skin on a skeleton and casting it as your star! Return of the seismic seducers! Casual exposition! Chinese instruments! Chris’ disco bumper inferno! Chang’s slick mitts! Val’s worm dodge, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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We wrap up season 9 with Alien Vs. Predator; a patronizing piece of garbage that has nothing to offer, and somehow looks worse than the movies it's supposed to be sequeling. And this concludes our season of great expectations. Does this steaming turd basket beat out Gigli to take the title for season 8? Well, you'll just have to tune in to decide for yourself... but actually we decided, because that's what we do on this show if you're a new listener. You're right to have your own opinion, but our science does most of the legwork to determine what is in fact the worst movie ever made.Frightening fellow flight folk with flash photography! Telling your coworker his kids aren’t cute! Terminating antarctic transportation and forcing a female to field guide! Serious almost sensual study of skull and spine! Wall gunking girls and guys to grow new face huggers! Frasier! Alien race mass genocide! Jump scare penguins! Suiting up the butt pinchers! Assembly line egg distribution with earthly applications! Slow motion explosion escape tropes! Old man asthma stair marathons, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.comNext week, we segue into good "B" movie territory to end the season with Tremors!
Giggity, giggity, Gigli! We've been doing this for a long time now, and we gotta say... we might be able to call it quits after this one. We finally found the worst movie ever made... or did we? We'll let you be the judges of that, dear listeners. There's not much that we can say in this write-up that hasn't already been said on the recording, so let's just get to listing off all the prime nugs like we normally do!
Simulating psych wards! Second rate super erratic suspect rain man! Kidnapping the handicapped! Telling a teen you’ll tear out his memory! The Sicilian switch hitter! Scalding coffee distraction to steal corpse digit! Feminine Affleck finally funks the femme fatale! Suicidal scissor sisters, and the consequences of clam smacking! Sidewalk cafe brunch extortion! Three to five cups of spit! Back seat psych analysis! Dick sneeze contests! Casual convertible conversations, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Thanks for listening.
Rob, who hates Marvel, finally got Chris and Bob on board to watch F9, which is basically the same thing as a Marvel movie... or so he's told. At any rate, the deed has been done, and we'll probably never do another Fast and Furious movie again. EVERRRRRRRR!
Here's our episode summary:
Cable car conundrums! Killing your dad! Pretty party participants on the payroll! OnoBOBopoeia! Major magnetic malfeasance messing with mom and pop shops! Seriously subdued sister sadness! Space Pontiac hits Ludacris speed! Fourth wall fuckery! Twinkie, Ding-Dong, and Snowball! Fisting Yoda! Extensive on-the-fly landmine knowledge! Cauliflower... gears? Cosmic car candy! Reverse glory holes! Cream soda tag teams, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Next week, something with J-LO!
Bob went missing, but don't worry he's back by the third act for the Worst Production and Fact or no Fact segments! Bob, if you're listening to this, we didn't mean any of those horrible, horrible things we said about you in the beginning. It's best you just fast forward. We were confused, tired, worried, and felt a tremendous amount of sorrow because we thought you had to watch Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets without then being able to talk shit about it. But worry not, beloved listeners, we really came through with this one!
Here we go:
Breaking through the body of water with bustling biology! Space Fires! Attempted annihilation of environment and inhabitants! Valerian and Laureline’s final fuck roster! Vaporizing the Mül pods! Bantering big market moguls! Rat lizard pearl jizz! Stockholm brain syndrome! Magnetic ball dropping! Rihanna! Spider laser cutting devices! The great goo escape! Dancing too fast to perceive the flaps! Kinetic sand crease conundrums! Convenient bubble bloating, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Thanks for listening.
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Hook! Hook! Where's the Hook?! Hook! Hook! Where's the Hook?! There is no hook for Hook. This movie took two hours out of our lives, and we'll never get it back, and we fell for the allure of Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman hook, line, and sinker with this stinker!
Penis fly traps! The blubberchuck conundrum! Jerk office jokes while jack offense chokes! Forgetting family first names! Mattressing Maggie without worrying for the window washer! Thinking Thud Butt’s thickness is theater! Tinkerbell’s toddler taking trickery! Running Rufio through! Skateboard sailboat things! Magical clam jams! Toothless cripples! Cornrow Norton’s last ride, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com please email us and talk shit. We've got like 5,500 downloads, so we know you're listening. Or don't. Those are your options. Love you.
86 weeks ago, Chris and Rob started a show called "The Bomb Filter," and liked huffing their own farts while being pretentious about movies. But Bob joined the rankings, and we have since become a well oiled machine that is now known as "The Worst Movie Ever Made." That's the condensed version of why we're revisiting Battlefield Earth. The other reason is that Bob joined us after we had already watched it, and we wanted him to suffer like we did back on episode 12. Misery loves company, so... sorry Bob!
Misplaced McDonald’s Marketing! Pulverizing your opponent then pushing his puss into the prison paste! Dutch angles! Why buy five fire-able wives! Clinko language slavery! Patronizing squeeze pieces! Dutch angles! Concubine communications! Questionable Psychlo cycles! Gratuitous Locrian moaning! Dutch angles! Getting Kerbangoed out of your skull bone! Blasting bowlegged bovines, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Listen, we're going to watch Battlefield Earth next week much to the Chagrin of Bob who hasn't had the pleasure. If you want to hear what we have to say about 1996's The Phantom, just listen to this episode, because we are so fucking over it already.
Attempted abuse of a boy! Bringing the big rig across the bridge! Communicating coerced coitus! Wanton wasting of windows in the Winchester showroom! Personal pleasure pirates! Wagging the wiggler of walking dead Kit Walker! Mushrooms aren’t leaves! Face skull blister burn things! Cliffhanger dangle tropes! Toys “R” Us Tattoos! Cabbie ex Machina! Stunt police bike bullshit! Adam West tapestry weaving! Post mortem Phantom fucking, and much, much more on this week's Episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Next week, we get "crap lousy" with Battlefield Earth.
Thanks for listening!
If you're tired of life, and you're looking for a film to watch that will help you run the clock out by three hours and sixteen minutes, then we strongly recommend the Director's Cut of Troy!
Banging the beauty who brings battle and brutality to your borders! Stealing the sexy Spartan! Apprehending for amusement! Deep throating Patroclus! Strangling your soulmate! Dragging the defeated through the dirt! Twilight torching of Troy through trickery! Dusting the flaps! Gratuitous extended scenes for a very simple conflict! Gilded sack dragging! Obvious implants! Brian Cox looks funny in a chariot! Sneaky queen peaky scenes! Unimaginable sexual stinkiness! Why Achilles be climbing walls out here? Unorthodox offenses, and much, much more on this week's Episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Next week we watch 1996's The Phantom
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We made it to the end of Season 8, which only means one thing: time for a good... no, a great movie! We're talking of course about Terminator 2, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Patrick, Linda Hamilton, Bobby Budnick, and... others! We're always glad to talk about a great movie, because we took a pounding this season, and we need some relief.
Chris likes dongs! Literate sea pigs! Michael Biehn and the deleted scenes! Terminator turnaround! Arm and accent alleviation! Teaching terminator toned down techniques! Chris likes dongs! Flying time eggs! Plausible jibbery joo! Bean reaching claws! Tenth place fatalities! Bah! Gooey Robot Patrick! Inappropriately placed Seinfeld windshields! Cheesy money! Chris likes dongs (or does he?!), and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We're going to pass 5,000 downloads on this very episode, so thank you all for listening!!!
Now please email us... we know you're out there.
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Season finale! Omg fuck this movie. This show has been an experiment that has caused irreparable psychological damage to the three of us, and we will never fully bounce back. So we must keep forging forward, because our mental state is only going to get worse the further we dive down this rabbit hole of crappy cinema!This week, we try on Joshua Tree... or Army of One (pick a fucking title) for size.Catcalling coppers! Honing in on hooters! Pointlessly plunging a pickup! Motel man making mention of Merrick making love! Biker bar bad boy bullshit! Detective decks his darling and doughnut dudes don’t do diddily! Alluring application of agave aloe! Misappropriated Harley budgets! Jimmy Shoeshine! Desert dirt bridges! Pouty fruit lip grip romance warmup! Uncredited titty doubles! Getting crushed into mustache dust! 90 minute setup sandwich! Crusher Greenwood? Double bad C words (can you guess which one?), and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.comWe're going to take a break next week and enjoy Terminator 2 for a good movie episode!
Jamie Kennedy stars in Son of the Mask, a film that is only redeemed by the 45 seconds of screen time that Steven Wright and Ben Stein had. When two of the most lethargic sounding men in the world are what carries a film, then maybe we need to talk about Jamie Kennedy- a man who once produced a documentary about how unfunny he was called Heckler... a film in which real comedians take on the subject of heckling while Jamie Kennedy basically apologizes for his career. According to Jamie Kennedy, this film fell short because there was a longer, more robust and superior version that was shelved due to studio interference. But we honestly think the movie fell short because of Jamie Kennedy. We barely made it 90 minutes, what the fuck makes you think we want to unearth the director's cut?
Nearly nicking your newborn with a knife-like nightlight! Insulting ill fated infants! Pressure washer power pissing on padre! Family feet film finish! Kink-worthy kickers? Mucinex style booger sperm! Poorly planned baby wagers! Muhammed Ali Fart Follies! Domestic violence! Back-ordered buffoonery! Bob, the maestro of mischief! A case for Freddy Got Fingered! Schoolgirl cookie salespersons, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Chris, Bob, and Rob celebrate EIGHTY CONSECUTIVE WEEKS OF PODCASTING ABOUT SHITTY MOVIES with Dwayne "The Rock" Jonson's The Tooth Fairy. A very funny attempt at being funny because big guy in tutu fall down and dog farts HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!! Dwayne is the beefiest of chuds to slide out of the studio's poop-shooter, and we're glad that we're done flushing this cinematic skidmark away forever. Rob still wants to do a Fast and Furious movie, but this will have to do for now.
Audience asking athlete for adversaries incisors! Cheating a child of her chomper cheddar! Purposeless puberty pow-wows! Potential pile-driving post pixie dust! Homophobic fairy fodder! Disappointing lack of mitigated gall! Visiting the mayor of Sackville? "Are you there, God? It’s me, The Rock!" Implied diarrhea! The cocaine name conundrum, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Son of the Mask next week. Get u someeeeeee!
The gang finally bends over and gets their butt cherries popped by the one and only Vin Diesel. Babylon AD! A film where nothing happens, but only before nothing happens, and then leads into nothing happening. At least we have Vinnie boy's sultry baritone voice to remind us that when we're here in Babylon, we're family. Here we go!
Train station dog dangling! Fatally flogging the forced fighter! Passing the danger threshold! Cornball word salad! Human baby implants! Vin’s Conchess? Bobception! Fucking Kassovitz! Disappointing lack of pistols and pretzeled bread! Rabbit or rodent? You decide! Black lit Diesel Jizz! We all live on the smuggle submarine! Drone shooting jet ski backflips! Coca-Cola Airlines! Chris is afraid to use the word sentient, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Dwayne Johnson, we're coming for you next!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This is our second holiday season doing a bad movie podcast, and this is also the second time we talk Tim Allen! Rob loves him (or does he?). Chris and Bob don't (or do they?). But what about The Santa Clause? Is the comment section from YouTube filled with a bunch of mentally ill derelicts who shouldn't be allowed to assimilate into a regular society? Let's get into it!
Secret Santa secretary sex scandals! Advanced masonry maneuvers! Adolescent elves! Unfunny full grown fawn flatulence! Vague reasons for removing visitation! Rob wants to smash Patricia Richardson! JTT wigging it out! Boomer Humor by the likes of which we've never seen! HVAC slither assumptions! Strategic flesh prison exits! Chris gets mad at bread, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Next week, we're doing a Vin Diesel movie.
This week we took a swim out to the Island of Dr. Moreau-- a cavalcade of bestiality, ice bucket Napoleon helmets, and making H.G. Wells spin in his grave like a fucking pinwheel. Let's just get into it so we don't waste any more of your time like we've wasted ours.
Berating your boys at brunch! Manimal medical malpractice! Hyena’s hairy hardware! Eyes wide shut: furry edition! Primal rage brain! What if "god number one" was one of us?! Uncomfortable roar whispers! Plasma blasting the monkey mound! Goading goats with GOAT sauce! “Rat people? Hahahahaa”! Taser chips and dip! Getting deep in the meat! Washing the glass cock! Slam pig regressions, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We're watching The Santa Clause next week.
Fuck this movie, and Fuck our guest Dr_Ezekiel for requesting that we watch this movie!
Just kidding! Dr_Ezekiel was an excellent, and entertaining guest, and we loved to hate on "Ice Pirates" with him. Zeke streams movie viewings every week on his twitch, which can be found right here: https://www.twitch.tv/dr_ezekiel
Smash that subscribe button. Or gently caress it-- the choice is yours! Bottom line is that this dude knows his stuff, and if he can get the three of us engaged in a film as nauseatingly stupid as "Ice Pirates," then it's clear he has a natural talent for entertainment. You owe it to yourself to stop watching "Ice Pirates," and move on with your life.
Here's some talking points we were really into:
Raising the roof on Karina’s recovery receptacle! Garment gal getting gropey! Hot to trot style hard R! Impromptu pollywog prostitution! Space bait! Soylent styled penetration sequences! Peyton Manning of the 80’s! Space herpes! Choosing between getting your dick chopped off, or getting your dick chopped off! Overacted limpness! Illogical robot logistics! Intergalactic thirst traps! Half baked gravity blasts! Mystery softcore porn water, and much, much more on this week's Episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Our hosts take the front lines, and "soldier" on through the roughage that can only be caused by corn such as the movie "Soldier," a film where they say the word "soldier" many, many times to let you know that "Soldier" is the name of the movie that you are watching... sir. Are you ready for some action?! Sir, yes sir! Choking and stitching the snake! Child murder! Cheesy uncharitable chain challenges! Sergeants surveying supple scenery! Extermination as exhibition! Kurt Russell prop cabbage kerfuffles! Practical piss procedures (and other pee pee trivia)! Kill, Eat, or Fuck?! Double dripping future spouts! Carnival sign conservation conundrums! Midget manipulations! And yes, a child was murdered in the opening montage! Discarded muffler meandering! Gary Busey, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! www.theworstmovieevermade.comWe're sorry.
Rob reaches out from beyond the grave to help get this broadcast lifted. Our hosts, Chris and Bob, carry the torch, and through several hard drive backup issues, spontaneous grocery deliveries, totally inappropriate shit talking about Rob in his unexpected absence, and other stuff, we bring you our GOOD MOVIE EPISODE... The Exorcist, which some of you may not know is actually a parody of the 1990 film "Repossessed," starring Linda Blair.
Normally we have a bunch exclamation points that allude to things that are said in the episode, but this is Rob Typing, and I didn't listen to the episode yet so here goes!: Crucifucking! Oopsy stair tumbles! Good priest, bad priest! Pea soup escapades! Captain Howdy hymen breaching! Creepy tummy scribbles! Pazuzu induced stair crawlies (these are different stairs this time though), and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
See you next week when we get back to our regularly scheduled bad movie programming. Follow us on Instagram to vote!
We go a little long on our SEASON FINALE, and rightfully so! We had to take time out of our regularly scheduled daily suffering, and make things even worse for ourselves by reviewing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There’s just so much to talk about… including, but not limited to: Inter-dimensional sneeze snizz! Ivy league adlibs! Bargain bin Uma Thurman! Close encounters of the one third of an orgasm kind! Flob Noggin Blarfyblobbers! Careless corrosion of commemorative conquistadors! Saving sinking associates with a snake! Monkey man mud moving more meteorically than the motor vehicles via vine! Ancient alien acknowledgment! Surprised unexplained suicidal cliff dives! Geriatric fuck trophies! Chris’ ghost pinochle theory! Injuring innocent indigenous Incas! His name is Mutt, ber-der-ber-der-deng, ber-der-ber-der-deng! All knowing gophers! THE FUCKING FRIDGE, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com Stay tuned for next week’s “good movie” episode where we talk about The Exorcist.
This week we shoot for the moon for space action gambling heists. We're talking of course about "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." So many wrongs in this movie that all are somehow six degrees separated from Nickelodeon's "Hey Arnold!" More on that later though.
Flat salty lakes! Hot feather duster ass! Bob’s girl! Eddie Murphy’s turdy wordies! Randy robots! Bruno’s battery baton! Carefree companion cloning! Straight scripts! Beefy catchalls! Assy side-gigs! Slut machines! Dusty dystopian Stallone tropes! Randy Quaid losing it, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Please write us hate mail, because we hate ourselves too, and would like to agree with you.
They're cats! They're cats! But their butt holes aren't intact! So many wondiferous things to talk about in this fantastic farce of feline feces, so let's just get this over with and go home.
Jamming in the Jellicles! Cat bowl cum puddles! Reverse engineering the rhyme! Ineffable inevitability! Digitally removing dirt buttons! Executing Isabella extremely unethically! Catnip compliance! Birthday suit Bustopher gargling back alley glizzies, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Just fucking email us already!
The gang gets sensually seductive with the black flame candle on their way to Walgreens, which is a real store, as they plow through through rounds of the witches brew known as Hocus Pocus II. Or as we like to call it: Dogshit. This is a sequel that nobody asked for, and yet it happened to us anyways. Let's do this!
Deep delves into the balrog! Lazy nodding! The virginity assumption! Big witch smelling Winnie from ankles to ear! High school house party's where they hold the hooch! Attempted asphyxiation upon apple bobbing buddies! Breaking the fourth Walgreens! Butter! Rick from Pawn Stars shows his laugh at the pumpkin patch! Ginger Minge! Future Fabric, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
RESPECT THE EGG!!!
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We made it to episode 69 (nice!), so we HAD to talk about Hellraiser. Chris, Bob, and Rob blur the lines between pleasure and pain as they take down this pile of shit. Why do people love this movie? Sounds like empty praise from a bunch of pinheads, amiright?
Mummy Cummies! Reverberated daddies! Box trauma! The full spread! Spinning barbed wire boards! Putting the Parliament out on the Persian! Frank fetish flashbacks! Lumps! Nourishing nectar of the niece! Cobweb cardiovascular blood vessel revival systems! Rat infested renovation rooms! Frankie facials! Dimension evidence! Cinnabon Cenobites, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Riddle me this... what's sweaty, smelly, and coiled up in a pungent lump at the bottom of the toilet? If you answered 1997's Anaconda, then you're 100% correct. Though it turns out Roger Ebert was a massive fan (not even joking, Google that shit). Ice Cube is somehow the best actor, and John Voight is nothing more than a shiny sausage with an axe to grind and a scowl that's as flaccid as a microwaved hotdog at 3am (TM).
Paraguayan person popping up in mid production! Lopez letting the ladies loose! Buckets full of monkey blood! Lame Horniness! Penile pipe logic! Double gun face butts! Resurfaced Faculty trauma! Leg lock neck breaks! ...Snake... trophies! Slimy winks! Dollar store dictators, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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You need it. You want it. Watch Bob's trailers. Follow us on social media. Email us. And sell us bitcoin!
We love you, we only want what's best for you, and sadly that involves listening to this show.
We know October is spooky month, and we're going to get into all that good stuff next week. But in the meantime we wanted to boof you with the doozy known as Mortal Kombat! A childhood favorite of many, but a sweaty turd on the radiator for most.
Weepy Western Unions! Flawed victories! Side boob central! Caucasian Raiden! Cage/Kang carry-on confusion! Prying open those soul holes! White lightning wet willy whispers! Unwilling mousse tousles! Large electrical disturbances with a side of vocal fry! Surviving the Hard R! Two man Goro horse suits? Faulty claw logic! Cosmic blob camouflage! High octane turkey slapping, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
Listen to us, watch us, socialize with us, and for fuck's sake email us! It's all on our website, which is basically just Linktree.
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No introduction for Cabin Fever as we kick off Season 8. Let’s skip to the good part, AHHHHHH, AHHHH- AHHH-AHHHH…you know like that song. The TikTok song for the glow ups… Pinwheel piss casts! Pipelogic comes back with a vengeance! Rubbing your chauffeur’s penis! Unconsenting capture of canoodling couples! Funny haha finger in the fanny! Punching the blood clam! Child abuse! Kung Food! Convenient hog slaughter! Zombie people pooping people poop meat, and much, much more on This Week’s Episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
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Put it in your bookmarks!
We're a day late, but we promise it's for a good reason... we had scheduling conflicts. But we're back with a vengeance with a good movie to close the season out! Back with a vengeance, you say? That sounds familiar. Like 1994's The Crow, perhaps? Chris thinks this movie is just "okay," but Bob and Rob deliver death blows that convince him to think it's still just "okay." That's fine. Can't win them all! But do you know who won over our hearts this week? The Crow. Brandon Lee. The revengencer of a thousand caw-caws! But when it comes to perfectly executed film noir anti-hero epics that fully capture rage, revenge, and redemption, there's lots to talk about it, so let's get into it!
Proper pipe logic! Rampant cocaine abuse! Stunt skater legs? Cop banter! Really cool bullet holes! Reverse morphine maneuvers! Incest! Shock cut building hops! Convincing miniatures, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
Go to our website. Click the links. We're on YouTube now. Check out our TikTok and Instagram. We're everyyyyywhere!
Spice up your world... every boy and every girl.
Ahhhhhhhhhh.....
Balled up Ferret muscles! Everest ostriches! Gray gregarious white men! Frenetic fandering! Jovial particle blasting! You say goodbye, I say hello by squeezing your honkers! Baggin Saggin Barry Bus! Seinfeld squares! Ben Stiller babies! Photographer toilet stalkers! Reverse turd burgling, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Chris impersonates a leprechaun, Bob's foolery hits its zenith, and Rob pretends to question his own mortality as if that wasn't already a weekly recurrence as the gang raids Castle Grayskull to dump on Masters of the Universe! Oh, how we used to spend our Tuesday nights before we started this show... Musical butt plug keys! Chromatose Krispy Kreming! Octode rectifiers! Shiny metal blinky things! Dubbed Dolph dialogues! Impossibly deep shafts! English adjacent accent impressions! Laughing at people drowning! The Japanese assumption! Microwaved ribs! Parsec aeons! Deferring to the Swedes! Back alley meat exchanges, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com for socials, streaming, video, and more!
Check us out on YouTube too!
sigh
Lionheart...
Let's get into it.
Front foot fuckery! Joshua tree listening party! Raisinet nipple reconnaissance! Clanging and not banging in the penthouse! Sneaky peeky poos! Ass flattery! Attempted pool party murder! Crab puff safety protocol! Dropping the French bomb! Jean Claude Can Dammes! The full spread! Creepy crouchies! Bozo blasting! Roller blader waiters, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
We're on YouTube every Sunday now. Sometimes we stream on social media. Go to our website, and give us a follow!
Until next time!
This week we talk about 1992's Under Siege with none other than Steven Seagal. We learn that he's more than just a cook, and has like 9 purple hearts and is so awesome at everything. We also learn that Tommy Lee Jones might be wearing a hair piece... or is he? Listen to the show to find out. The truth may surprise you. Let's do this! Loony Poons! Hnghnughnugh on the bayou! Return of the horsefishes! Summer’s Eve eating contests! Night milk titty rewinds! Death dangling! Ocean motions! Nuke equity, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Check us out on YouTube every Sunday!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Judge Dredd is the law! And we're subjecting ourselves to his chiseled jawline, and remarkable stature. Oh, how we've been humbled by this steamy loaf. Let's not dilly dally... here we go! Sloppy Sly slaw! Faulty pipe logic (again)! Sci-Fi Denial! Wanton destruction of small businesses! Tit to toe leotard ensembles! Celebratory starvation pacts! Stabby soliloquies! Leslie Shats, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Now on YouTube!
What has three heads, smells like puke, and will probably quit podcasting forever after the release of this episode? If you guessed Chris, Bob, and Rob, you guessed correctly. We done did it, ladies and gents. Listen to the baffled bewilderment of your beloved hosts performing mental gymnastics trying to explain away any decision made by the people who put this one together. It doesn't make any sense. Here's the yelling part: Equestrian enjambments! Impressive fingers! Livid liquids! Cocaine Quills! Horse stable fuck dungeons! Samurai florists and the machine! Green card jockey jokes, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
You're fucking up if you don't make www.theworstmovieevermade.com your home page. Everybody's doing it except for you.
Armageddon, Interstellar, and The Day After Tomorrow walk into a bar. They see two brothers touch wieners while shaking the president’s hand. A daughter who has a total of 3 minutes of screen time is supposed to be the emotional anchor that holds it all together. Bartender says the title of the movie half a dozen times for no reason. Everybody is confused. If you're troubled by what transpired, you might as well have watched Geostorm. A movie that defies space, time, science, and our sensibilities. Let's get into it... Daddy daughter proxy smarts! Zeus suit riots! Who holoframed Roger Rabbit?! Presidential potty mouth! Fried egg semantics! Secretive Servicing! Hidden Dutch Boy backdoor entrances, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Now in 2D and color on YouTube Every Sunday. www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Season 7 starts off with a bang as we hopefully end this George Lucas Streak. George Lucas, the man who's indirectly responsible for the MCU (we think!). Let's get right into it. Regions of demons! Casual bestiality! Duck dick TikTok! Locking in the flavor! The career manipulation of Bodacious Beverly! Satan's Sluts, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Coming soon to YouTube!
It's our season finale, so that means we end with a good movie! That's right, episode 5. The one with all the great quotables, betrayal, romance, and action. This movie was so good, that Rob actually kinda liked it. Lots of great nerding out on this one, and we get to once again cleanse our palates before diving into another season of hot garbage. Let's get right to it. Animal igloos! Milky Androids! Severe Severings! Bob Foolery! A distinct lack of debate over intergalactic trade routes! Total yak annihilation! C-3P0 being a total douche, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
theworstmovieevermade.com
We know, we know... you're looking at the title, and thinking, "not that movie!" It's okay. There are some things to consider. For one, our podcast runs shorter than the actual movie, we actually have a structure and sense of direction to our show, and we'd like to think we're charismatic and exuberant in our delivery. Based on those stats alone, we're already doing a better job than the assholes who made this piece of shit! Here's what we're going to talk about: Jar Jar Jargon! Serendickity! Missing the Mark (Hamill)! The ole wizard slip! Polishing the droid! Unlocking the double jump! Bob's red herring reversal! Poon boons, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Next week, we watch The Empire Strikes Back as our season finale "good movie."
Wow.
Gather round, and grab a seat. It's time for your hosts to tell you a story about absolutely nothing happening. This is our fourth movie featuring the legendary JCVD, and we don't know why. It's basically the same movie every time. Want the deets? Here they are! Strategic stump assault! Smuckity Huckerson! Spooky Cataracts! Top Heavy Boob Maneuvers! Rob's pizza ruins the show! Jim West Boot Knives! CyBORING results! The lost city of... Atlanta, Georgia, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! This episode was made possible by the State of Florida's Toll Enforcement Division... a group of suck-fucking tax grubbers. Stay tuned next week for The Phantom Menace.
You guys! We know you probably think that we're making a bold assertion that 1:36:22 of 3 guys bitching about Battleship has more entertainment value than the 2:11:00 runtime of the movie itself, but we assure you we know what we're talking about. What a festering shit-box of a movie. Where do we start? Botched burrito burgling! Cyborg strutting! Cops leaving paraplegics to die! Top Gun soccer knockoffs! Art of War of the Worlds! Rihanna! Thunderstruck Boomer Blasters, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Today's episode is brought to you by not actually being a real episode. Our beloved co-host, Bob, has gone missing, and last we heard from him, he was speaking in code through a balled up sock and kazoo from a pay phone in Montreal. We're going to record the real episode on "Battleship," tomorrow night once we reconvene, but we didn't want you, our beloved audience, to miss out on your Wednesday bad movie drive time banter. Chris and Rob talk about lots of stuff in this short and sweet chat. The fate of The Asscheek Arena (TM)! What they're watching outside of the show (hint: Jurassic World fucking blows)! Titties (twice somehow)! The recent lack of Shitcoin (TM), and much, much more!
We made it 52 episodes without one of us mysteriously going missing under questionable circumstances, and we'll be back on track Thursday with our "Battleship" episode.
Thanks for listening, and don't forget your Zippy Zap.
The boys go back to school with 1998's The Faculty. You know, that movie that got a bunch of grunge artists on their fall from grace to botch a Pink Floyd song for the soundtrack. There's so much to talk about, so let's get right to it. Body-snatchers rules! Flogging the Bishop! Lost tits in the locker room! Double pussy puke! Teacher's lounge water whipping! Diuretic space cocaine! Underbelly dermis tickles, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Wow.
The boys are back in town, but unfortunately so is John Gotti. We crawled through every single inch of marble-mouthed dialogue... fuck, even the guy who writes captions for TUBI quit his job forever and has not been seen since. Let's get right into it! Badfellas! Hairpiece philanthropy! Junior Gotti's secret youth elixir! Spousal abuse! Cop hat takesey backsies! Proper penis assessment, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever made!
More like "Vantage Disappoint," amiright? Wow. Just wow. No further introductions, here we go: Spanish Rambo! Ice cream cone kerfuffles! Double-mint Democracy! Trouble on camera three! Rob's son shits himself! Forest Whitaker's insatiable lust for danger! Electoral dysfunction, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you by Milton Bradley's new strategic board-game, "who fucked my couch?"
The gang slips into their avatars and gets bent on M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender... a movie so bad, that not even Bruce Willis' ghost can save it from itself. Element bending! Too much diet coke! M. Night Shyamalan's shadow war with the Catholic Church! Frozen water balls! Celibate fire breathers! Unprompted, nonchalant, and effortless elder sacrifice! Whispered exposition, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This is the season 6 kickoff, so scroll down, and get caught up!
“End of Watch?” More like “total dogshit,” amiright? Liberace strikeouts! Befuddled Blair Witch buffoonery! Fuck tally burnouts! Big evil dunk jumps! Candid camera camaraderie! Jarhead Jake’s droopy face, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!!! Omg
The gang brushes up on their jive talk, and straps in for this season's good movie palate cleanse! Mayo Clinic Mishaps! Suicidal exposition! Straight faced tomfoolery! Back-stabbing on the dance floor! Autopilot blowjobs! Unnecessary amounts of Van Halen! Surely Temples, and much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
The gang splits logs and flips phone-booths with Commando this week! Chris does intense muscle analysis, Bob fools everybody with "fact or no fact," and Rob complains about his debit card not working or some stupid shit. So much to get into, so let's get into it shall we? Recurring pipe logic! Lawn care homicide! Shiny mullets! Dump truck assassins! Brown sugar face! Putting the shed in machete! Pectacular protuberances! Daddy daughter laundry logistics! Buffering Bob, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! KA-KOWWWWWW!
Wrap up your shins, and get ready for some good ole fashioned tree kicking as the gang talks about 1989's Kickboxer! The action! The revenge! The romance! So, so much to talk about, so let's get right on to it. Doggy Daggers! Eric's wheelchair ejections, of which there are multiple! Maxed out scrotal sacks! Seductive dance fights! Cobra head quiche! Rob hates Rory Gilmore, but can't articulate it. Shimmering, oiled and taut buttocks! Underwhelming glass slapping, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we talk about a movie that double drags onnnnnn, amiright? Eek gad, golly gee willikers, what a boner of a film. We don't even want to do a write-up it's so bad. Here we go. Nitro powered Cheeze Wiz! Tunnel crawling butt invasions! Spinach funnels! Medallions that don't work! Inexplicable jet-ski adventures! Organized Anarchists! Shitcoins that fail to launch! Sudden Brooklyn accents! Disappointing lack of rope burn, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
The gang giggles and sleuths, and bimble and boof as they tip their hats to this adaptation of the great Dr. Seuss. We're talking The Cat in the Hat, a film so bad that there was legal intervention to make sure another adaption of this kind was never made again. Popcorn knee pads! Sanitary supervisors! Nocturnal emissions! Dirty hoes! Shit cars! No lessons! No rhymes! No respect for our time! Slow speed chases that would make O.J. blush, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
A wise man from the YouTube comments once said, "Cliffhanger hanging from a cliff and that’s why he’s called cliffhanger." He's not wrong. Psychotic snowman shenanigans! Bunny chasing tracker logistics! Sweater swapping semantics! Bats for no good reason! Radical dudes catching some gnar gnar (read: bullets in their faces)! Horse combing schedule kerfuffles! Cliffhanger! Hanging from a cliff! And much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
It's a full house this week as Jay (@dusty_penguin_112) joins the gang to go, go, gadget review this fucking pile of shit. This episode runs a little long, but it's jam packed with witty dialogue, comedic timing, excellent pacing, and ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN A 90 million dollar MOVIE THAT DO NOT HAPPEN IN INSPECTOR GADGET. Maybe Matthew Broderick was in on the scam a la The Producers. If the film flops, then you make MORE money. Sure there's no tap-dancing Hitler in this flick, but hey, maybe somebody will pick up the licensing, and franchise it out. Never say never! Here's the exclamation points. Oil slick dental plans! Robotic foot theft! Offensive physics! Sentient fuck bots! Heartless NSA chips! Andy Dick! Engelbert Humperdinck is actually a stage name, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Spawny, Spawny, he's our man, if he can't do it... well, anybody with $40,000,000 and a thesaurus turned to the "poop" page can. Seriously, if you just dropped your pants and took a dump into a film canister, you'll probably have a better movie. At least flies scrambling to get a last meal is somewhat compelling compared to this steaming pile. The gang unpacks a lot here, but they mainly focus on how so little was said with so much exposition. Rob discovers that if you watch a movie at 1.5x speed, you can get it over with faster, and then do other stuff. Flaccid Wanda screams! Heavy under-bite energy! Disembodied bodies! Impromptu heat vision surgery! Inexplicable goo exchanges! Dog neglect, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We kick off season 5 with an announcement! Chris and Rob welcome Bob (think_in_movie_scenes) onto the show as a full time shitty movie analyst. This show is too big for two hosts to handle. 2 backs cannot carry the weight of all this terrible cinema week after week. That being said, the gang tries to "mess with the best, and die like the rest" as they unpack "Hackers," from the product placement to the roller skatin'. Checkin' out poopers! The plague's affinity for sour straws. Wheelie-board disk swapping! Matthew Lillard's pigtails! Rob gets fired from his own bit! 30 year old high school students! Half baked hacker names, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
What do you call it when Batman sneaks out of Church? A Christian Bale! We know, we know... The Dark Knight? On The Worst Movie Ever Made? Well in case you're just tuning in (earth to you, hellooooooooo!?), we watch a good movie at the end of every season to cleanse our palate. Listen, Chris knows his shit when it comes to movies, and Rob literally only watches cartoons, so in order to stay objective, we sometimes need to throw something actually worth watching into our steaming cauldron of poopy movies. So let's get into it, shall we? Cool Bat Gadgets! Morgan Freeman! Dramatic Tension! Heath Ledger! Police Corruption! Saggy Gyllenhaal! Hot Topic Quotables! Complete lack of Jared Leto! Convincing character development, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Also we have a website now. www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Chris and Rob, AND BOB (Think_In_Movie_Scenes) calculate the worst movie ever made up to this point in 4 seasons. 32 movies put to the test, and the results will surprise you! Or not. They probably won’t. If you’ve been listening so far you pretty much know where this disaster ranking is going. Episode is hella funny though. In the wise words of Wilfred Brimley, bad movie make jackrabbit slap de bear. We’ll be back next week with our regular programming.
Chris and Rob dust off their mud-flaps, and haul a payload of garbage across The Ice Road. This wet turd in a blanket withstands all our tests, but will it be ranked amongst the worst of the bad? You’re gonna have to tune in and find out. Tip Toeing through the R-word! Decades old ad placements! Moping miners! Poopy diamonds! Triage massage! Shifty claims adjusters! Fun facts we just made up! Craig’s an asshole, and much, much more on this week’s episode AND SEASON FINALE of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Stay tuned next week for our “March Badness” bad movie bracket.
Chris and Rob recruit instagram’s Dusty_Penguin_112 for assistance in breaking down Elektra. And it’s good they have a guest, because Rob pretty much checked out on this one. Delayed resuscitations! Covert Cabbage! Botched box cutter burgling! Dead mom pissing contests! The uncomfortable gurgling of anthropomorphic tattoos, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob run to the hills in order to properly survey the damage caused by Volcano. Tommy Lee Jones (TLJ) delegates his way through disaster one flip phone at a time as he races the clock to save his daughter from the lava bomb to end all lava bombs. Manhole blowouts! Steamy heat holes! Rodney King Volcano Tacos! Tectonic Technicalities! Magma Explanations! Basketball confusion! Chris having a stroke, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Episode Ever Made!
Chris and Rob welcome back Bob Hasak from @think_in_movie_scenes to talk about Hard to Kill, to break down exactly what makes this movie so unwatchable. Is it the literal and figurative grooming of a man who's been in a coma in 7 years to be a fuck buddy? Or is it simply the fact that we have to watch Steven Seagal run in a training montage? In this movie there is one scene where a horse is shown running through the opening in a fence. I don’t know if it was an artistic decision that was made, or if a horse ran through by happenstance and they decided to leave it in. I want to be that horse. Because the horse runs with the wind in its hair. Not a care in the world. Just a leisurely gallop toward the horizon looking nowhere but forward. I want to be this horse because it’s running away from the movie, not toward it. Even being turned into glue would be a fate better than having to sit down and watch this flick. Sorry, that went long. Here's the exclamation points. The Oscars! Convenience store rumbles! Complete disregard for how costly it actually is to fake your own death (I've looked into this for personal reasons)! Mustard collusion! Icebox assault! Mop bucket maneuvers! Crouching Cops, Hidden Badges, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob take a Double Deuce all over 1989’s Road House, and ask each other who is this movie for? On one hand, there’s titties and fighting. On the other hand, it’s kinda written like one of those beach bum books with Fabio on the cover. Enough chatter, let’s get into it. Ass taxidermy! Dagger Duels! Absent authorities! Penis logistics! Barn Burning Millionaires! Sharp footwear! Homicidal coin toss ultimatums, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob saddle up and smack that ass as they pump their butts up full of goof juice and talk about 1998's "Senseless!" A movie that teaches aspiring comedians that if a joke doesn't land, you should try it out another 30 fucking times to just be absolutely sure that it still doesn't land. There's so much to talk about, so let's get right into it! Vibin' like a plantation owner! Prince Albert in a pants?! Callin' out the coochie cabbage! Invasive proctology! Party sized semen jugs! Plasma fraud, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob are at odds as they take a trip to the not-so-distant future. That's right, we're eating at Pizza Hut tonight! We're talking about Demolition Man, of course! A dystopian, Philip K. Dickian romp through time and morality! Swear word citations! Sea Shell Shit Swiping! Oculus fluid transfer simulations! Anxiety Knitting! Inexplicable Rubber Suits! Smithsonian Assault Rifles, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob kick off season 4 with a sour taste in their mouths as they break down 2010's The Sorcerer's Apprentice. For a movie that has some astoundingly good special effects, we just wish they would have spent a few bucks on a proper table read. The kind of chemistry in this flick could be found in Sophomore year chemistry class. Instead of learning proper unit conversion, we're given some wiener from a Seth Rogan Movie who sounds like the love child of Professor Frink and Andy Dick. Not to mention the botched physics lesson in particle acceleration, where the only particles accelerating were our thumbs smashing onto the pause button at lightning speed so we could take an egregious amount of notes about how terribly this film was executed. Here are some of the notes: False matriculation! Casual stalking! Implied Fantasia Mop Sodomy! What are you doing Daveeeeeee?! Tesla Coil musical masturbation! China Town Faux Pas! Unauthorized underground janitor consortium converted to dangerous waterlogged deathtrap for unsupervised scientific experiments, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Welcome to season 4.
Chris and Rob take a well deserved break, and dive into an actual good movie to wrap up season 3! That's right, we're talking Raising Arizona! This was Rob's first time despite his obvious fandom of the master himself! And what's there not to love about this movie? Let's just dive right into and do the list thing: Baby theft! Unpainted furniture blowouts! Sloppy robbery instructions! Shotgun Huggies! Yodas and shit! Cabbage breathed bounty hunters! Grenade trickery! Fugitive slumber parties, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Season 4 starts next week.
Chris and Rob dumpster dive into a parallel dimension filled with dinosaurs and shitty plot mechanisms as they unpack Super Mario Brothers. This movie was tough to watch because it's supposed to be a video game adaptation, but that part never really... happened. How could a game about an Italian plumber who eats coins and shoots fireballs at mushroom people on his way to rescue a princess from a lizard king get so lost in translation? Dino Dungeons! Garbage truck escapism! Evolution for dummies! Verbose henchmen with faulty cranial calculators! Lizard pizza! Dangling plunger decor! Thirsty Utility Vans? Suspiciously shaped meteor meat, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever made!
On today's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made, we--
"Wait, weren't you called The Bomb Filter last week?"
Yeah, nobody got it, so don't bring it up ever again.
MOVING ON! This week we talk about Ron Howard's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," and hopefully this will put a cap on holiday movies that you all seem to have such an insatiable thirst for. We're all marching in lockstep toward the sweet release of death (life's only guarantee) as we know it, so make sure you leave cookies out for Santa! Jessssssssssuus Christ.
Okay, here's the excited exclamation point part.
The Whoville shuffle! Hack-job Mayor Razors! Penis-shaped light cannons! Forceful pudding insertion! Garbage mountain gallivanting! CHILD NEGLECT! Silly Putty rhinoplasty! Bahoo Boris Day & the Time, and much, much more on this episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob welcome The Freelanceaholic Kevin Meng (@thefreelanceaholic) to rail on Christmas With the Kranks like it's never been railed on before. Rob did his research. Mel's doesn't actually make a can of ham that large, so let's start there. When it comes to reconstituted pork shoulder gelatin byproducts, we're pretty sure the government has a "one pound max" regulation that purveyors of congealed pork bricks have to adhere to. We ran a little long on this one, but WE HAD TO. There was was much to talk about which is unfortunate because we've spent way too much energy dissecting this movie. That being said, here's the usual exclamations! White chocolate rain! Frosty gets baker acted! Reading the riot act instead of quietly dipping out! Eggs Botox Benedict! Heavenly Father Fondler! Grocery store ham showdowns! Sloppy sequel setups! The deceit! The trickery! The romance! The overbearing weight of the Homeowner's Association (though they never mention that their neighbor has a Homeowner's Association), and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob talk Jingle All the Way with special guest Kyndra Crump (@thekyndracrumpshow)! And we were glad to have the company of this comedian and podcasting extraordinaire on this episode because there's lots to talk about! Like, is it okay for another dude to hang up your Christmas lights when you're not home? How do you react to this? Is violence the answer? Probably, but this is a kid's movie, so let's save the violence for later when it's the appropriate time... like setting off a bomb at a radio station with the hopes of winning a fucking action figure. Cop impersonations! Phil Hartman running game on an entire cul-de-sac full of housewives! Casual domestic terrorism! Grown adults pointing and laughing! Infinite daylight shopping mayhem! Reindeer assault! And much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Check out Kyndra Crump @ https://www.instagram.com/thekyndracrumpshow/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcfWwPo89i3frdSOsTV-jUQ
Chris and Rob welcome back Bob Hasak from @Think_In_Movie_Scenes for a hearty discussion about Dante's Peak! While this movie was enjoyable at first blush, several steamy turds float to the surface as the story unfolds. GamGam's acid bath! Nookie in the hot springs! Coal mine potato chip rations! Engine Snorkeling lava drama! Pulley assisted pushups! Vague beer orders! Fist chucking cashew maneuvers! Boiled frogs! Promises of big fish! And much, much, more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob fire up the smoker as they roast up some Wild Hogs! The open road! Biting the butter! Poo bag propagation! Guy fall down, hahahahah! But he’s okay though, he falls down a lot it’s a running gag ahhahahahaa! Rival gangs! Chili cookoffs washed down with some wholesome piss gargling! The sinking feeling that an hour and forty minutes have been shaved off my mortal coil, and much, much, more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
WAKEY WAKEY YOU FAT FUCKS!!! On this week of The Worst Movie Ever Made, Chris and Rob have trouble breaking down a couple of things in 1993’s “Hard Target.” Firstly, the dialogue makes them cringe, but seconds later they admit that some of it is pretty damn quotable. Secondly, the explosions that looked great were disproportionately out of context in regard to size and damage. Like, if you shoot a pint of gasoline with a gun, is it really able to level an entire warehouse? So much to unpack here as our hosts dive into the minutia, the drama, the romance, and the $217 that made the entire plot possible. You read that correctly. The billiard ball break that leads to the 8-ball-side-pocket victory is just that... $217. Flammable mullet grease trench coat transference! Backwoods whiskey stills! Jean Claude Van Damsels in distress! The death of Ermest P. Worrell in the ASSCHEEK ARENA (TM)! And much, MUCH, more... So put on your trench coat, eat some spicy Nawleans gumbo, pound a black coffee, and saddle up with your arrows and quivers or this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you by Mayonnaise and Scabs (TM)
You guys! It’s season three! Chris and Rob try to stuff three dimensions of shit into two dimensions of review. Is that how it works? Or is a podcast only one dimension because there is no video? Who the hell knows, so let’s get to it, shall we? Coral Reefer Madness! NASA knobs in Atlantis! Late night boner runs! Wallet thieving tentacle contraptions! An unintentional sponsor! Shit coins! Guvna grenades! Floating heads! Bogus beer slides! And much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob shake off the ashes from Season 1's Waterworld, and plunge into the murky waters of Jaws! On season 2's "Great Movie" finale, a bigger boat is needed, but it won't be found on Netflix, because this episode is brought to you by Piracy(TM)! Quality zingers! Shark soliloquies! Bathtub moonshine! Menacing music! John Goodman tickle fights? Gaslighting barracudas! Chum buckets! Shooting stars! And much, much more! This is the Season 2 finale of The Worst Movie Ever Made, so let's end it with a bang!
Words cannot describe how Chris and Rob talk about this movie. Eventful? No! Thoughtful? No! Direction and taste? Also no! It is hard to use metrics to analyze a film that is so fucking stupid and without a point. It was so hard to do this episode, that the internet went out. We had to reset, and start up again. Even still, our podcast was more cohesive and focused than this absolute piece of garbage. We've even been told that sanitation workers started renegotiating their union contracts because the debris from this film went upwind and soiled their benefits. Seriously, fuck this movie. Vincent Price is spinning in his grave like a pinwheel. Brought to you by hotdogs at 3 am. Sorry, everybody.
Chris and Rob engage in some reproduction at the bowling alley as they slide into the chain smoking, jazz handing, sex baiting cavalcade that is known as Grease 2! 30 year old high school students! Song and dance numbers about how much you hate school that you clearly spent the entire summer vacation learning with people you know from school so you can show up at school and dance for your teachers in perfect lock step! Motorcycle scrap yard wheelie montage sequences! That guy with the weird face! Michelle Pfeiffer... All this and more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you by Cool Rider Cigarettes (TM).
Chris and Rob set phasers to spooky as they talk about Thirteen Ghosts! Dirt Downloading junkyard hi-jinks! Blood Trucks! Dead Mom basement echolalia! Scooters and gears! Bloody Tub Girl titty meat! Nanny Semantics! A FUCKING GHOST TORSO! And much, much more! Brought to you by KornHub (TM).
Chris and Rob show their Muskrat pride as they run through the vacuous halls of Ernest Goes to School! Clockwork Orange locker experiments! Algebra for dummies! Gordian Knot plumbing! Varsity team switcheroo gas bomb shenanigans! Fast forward tuba violations, and much, much more! It's not quite Back to School, and it's not quite Billy Madison, but it's... uh... well you should probably just listen to this one because there's lots to unpack here. The Worst Movie Ever Made! NOW IN COLOR!
Chris and Rob welcome their first guest to cough up some hairballs on Catwoman! Bob from think_in_movie_scenes throws some haymakers in our logical inconsistencies section with verve and enthusiasm as we bag up a bunch of cats like Huckleberry Finn to eliminate the wart that is known as Halle Berry's performance. Ferris wheels with a mind of their own! Cosmetic Conglomerates! Police that show up to the scene faster than Domino's! Comprehensive forensic lipstick analytics, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Chris and Rob spend "One Night in Bangkok," and go through Nicolas Cage's hairpiece with a fine-tooth comb on this week's episode of The Bomb Filter. Communicating with the deaf! Kung-Fu Patty Cakes! Four rules to live by! Taiwanese Kennedy clones! The logistics of drowning! Motorbike window rendezvous! Water jug computer rooms! Will Joe defeat Terl in the Asscheek Arena (TM)? All this and much, much more on The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you FAKEUMS! THE PLANT BASED STEAK!
Chris and Rob pound Kerbango (TM), and stumble through Planet Psychlo as they review Battlefield Earth. Space embezzlement and flappy Psychlo tongues? The whacky antics of Terl and Ker? Endless options for renewal? Endless options for renewal? Endless options for renewal? Choppy slow-mo center-wipes... and much, much more! This may very well be the worst movie in the world, but who are we to say? We're just experts asking questions. Strap in for a ride to... Denver or something as we unravel Terl's Dreadlocks and dive into this crap-lousy movie. Battlefield Earth!
Chris and Rob swing from rubber trees as they unpack George of the Jungle! Learn about the Brendan Fraser total body workout, poorly timed vine gags, dick ripping mother in-laws, bongo-gramming gorillas, grown women falling in love with jungle men who have the mental age of eleven, and much, much more on this week of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Don't forget your leg lock before swinging from this pile of shit!
Chris and Rob fuck with the Jesus on this season finale of The Worst Movie Ever Made. That's right, they're talking Lebowski(a great movie, not a bad one)! The BIG Lebowski! Bowling and piss rugs! Underwear ringer bags, and upwind cremations! Treehorn doodles of giant boners?! All that and more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made! Brought to you by weed and booze.
Chris and Rob grapple with faulty equipment while assessing 1986's "Raw Deal." Shit cake switcheraoos! Styrofoam cinder blocks! Exit wounds worth talking about! Romance! Motorcycle log rides! Custom made milk glass holders! And much more! Raw Deal! Holy shit.
Chris and Rob say, "Ice to meet you," in their coolest episode yet! Bane in a fedora? Lips filled with venom even though that's not how venom works? Sex slave diamond auctions? Leather bat butts? Strap in with a frosty beverage, and make sure you winterize your pipes, because it's gonna be a cold one!
Chris and Rob get wiggy wiggy wild all up on this Will Smith Western, and their poor taste detector explodes. Buckwheat boobies? Confederates with Pantera Goatees? GIANT SPIDERS?!?! All that and more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made. Brought to you by Nelson Mandela's Escape Room & Fun House.
In this episode, Chris and Rob clearly both hate this movie. Will Suicide Squad become the new worst movie ever made? Or will their tests prove otherwise? Tune in and find out. Today's episode brought to you by Sausage Sally's Sauna and Brunch.
Chris and Rob try to find meaning in their lives after button mashing through Street Fighter, the movie based on the video game that is a movie and not a video game because it's a movie.
In this episode, Chris and Rob go "Over the Top," by reviewing "Over the Top." Remember, this is a double elimination episode, which means you have to do it twice. If you do it once, you still have to do it another time, because it's double, meaning twice.
Chris and Rob get wet and wild, and take a deep dive into Water World in this week's episode!
Chris and Rob try to find the worst movie ever made. In this inaugural episode, they talk about Armageddon.