Mindful at Midnight: Recent Episodes
Ashley Hess
Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m a certified health and life coach and host of the Mindful at Midnight Podcast. This is a show about how to change your mindset to become the best version of yourself. My intention is to help people who want more from life achieve their goals and live happier and healthier. I’ll be sharing my own experiences, as well as providing information on how you can change your life too.
I hope to create a community of conscious healing and growth. Please, take what works for you and leave the rest. Life is all about finding the right way for you, not copying everything someone else does. I am not a “one size fits all” life coach, and this podcast won’t be either. All perspectives are encouraged here!
New episodes will be released every Friday explaining ways I’ve changed my life and how you can to. I hope to see you there :)
Being in a season of separation might not physically look like being alone. It could look like struggling to connect with others, or even feeling unfulfilled in relationships you’ve had for years. So, what’s the purpose of this? Why do we have periods of our lives where we don’t relate as closely to others?
I’ve recently been going through my own season of separation this year, so I know firsthand just how confusing it can be. I’ve also realized what a significant role this season can play if you use it to your benefit rather than your detriment.
In this episode, I’ll be covering how we end up in seasons of separation and what purpose it serves to be there. We will talk about all the ways you can level yourself up in order to attract the relationships you want in this time and how to manifest the people you’ve always dreamed of having.
A season of separation can push you closer to being the person you want to be and connecting to people you want to be connected to OR it can be a season of lessons that feel like heartbreak and “failure.” It really depends on what you make of it and the perspective you choose to hold.
Remember, the power is in your hands and there’s no time like the present to choose a better future.
When we are in a place of survival mode, it’s very common for our egos to take over and begin running the show. If you think about it, it makes sense…our egos activating is the natural response to a stressful circumstance because it’s like falling back into old habits.
What we need to remember, though, is that even though these situations may make us feel like we’re stepping back in our progress, the truth is: we aren’t. In these stressful circumstances, it’s important to meet yourself where you’re at and to do what you can in the moment to help yourself.
In this episode, I discuss the importance of having compassion with yourself during these times. I also give some practical tips for coming out of ego activation by regulating your nervous system.
In this episode we’re debunking the idea of objective truth because….the real truth is there’s no such thing.
The cornerstone of thought work lies in that you are the creator of your reality: you can choose what you want to believe about yourself and the world and the rest will follow. So, why not start creating space for new things?
I’ll be giving you tips along the way to help with this process, and finding a coach (like me) is always a great place to start. You don’t have to keep believing the same old unhelpful things about yourself just because some part of your sees them as objectively “true.”
Let’s let go of what no longer serves us, and make space for all the thoughts that will help us level up our lives.
When I took my certification course to become a life coach, one of the primary philosophies we were taught was the principle that your beliefs create your thoughts, which create your feelings, which create your action.
In my work now, as a behavioral therapist for kids with autism, we have a procedure for explaining behavior marked for decrease. We first identify the antecedent, or what caused the behavior, the discuss the behavior, and finally whether that was reinforced or not. While this is applied psychology from a data collection perspective, this is also how our minds’ work as people.
We have a belief, something we learned in childhood. When we are unconscious of this belief or how it may be showing up in our lives, we look for all the proof that it is true. it’s like wearing special lens that only see the belief or a self fulfilling prophecy. If I believe I’m unlovable, I am going to search for evidence for that.
This then indicates our thoughts, our self talk, how compassionate we are towards ourself and others. Which dictates your emotions and, finally, your actions. What do you physically do on the outside to reinforce this belief? If you believe you’re unlovable, what types of relationships might you tolerate? What type of relationship would you have with yourself?
The good news is, these things are CHANGEABLE. As humans, our brains are designed with a reconstruction feature called neural plasticity. Meaning, you can train your brain to believe new things and think new thoughts. As a coach, this is a lot of what I work on with clients.
I’ve you’ve been searching for a way to stop feeling sad, searching for answers to questions that no one can know, or find yourself generally thinking your way through everything, this episode is for you.
I have bad news…you’re probably avoiding your emotions.
I know, it sucks. We do so much work on ourselves only to find that now we are intellectualizing our emotions AND outsourcing our knowledge. I know this feeling because I caught myself doing it. In a very sneaky way, my brain convinced me that it was time to turn to google, other coaches, podcasts, reel, tiktoks, whatever source I could find to look for answers that no one had because, guess what? The answer I already knew was not one I liked. Instead of feeling my emotions, I wanted to search for some loophole of magical thinking to avoid them. This unconscious cycle keeps many people stuck, maybe even more than some of the other patterns of unconsciousness.
Luckily, the solution is actually very simple. In order to avoid this cycle, we simply have to sit with our uncomfortable or more difficult emotions until they pass. This means doing our best not to ruminate or stay so busy that we don’t feel them at all. Instead, we notice, we allow, we FEEL, we release.
Feeling your feelings is the perfect time to step OUT of your mind and IN to your body. More on that coming soon.
I’ve made an episode on self abandonment before, but this one focusses more on how to recognize the consequences of self abandonment in your own life.
Chances are, if you are abandoning yourself, you may not realize you’re doing it. Rather, you simply feel the consequences and feel unhappy in your life. When we are unhappy in life, or don’t like the way things are going, we can often blame it on other things. While outside stressor can certainly contribute to being unhappy, it ultimately your choice how you react to them and how you take care of yourself.
All of this is to say, it could be argued that the consequences I list in this episode could come from many different things and you may even feel yourself pointing your finger anywhere but within. If you’re doing this, it’s okay, taking responsibility for your life and your happiness can be hard and scary at first. After awhile, though, it becomes liberating to know that only you can make you feel a certain way.
So, if you find yourself not ready to take responsibility yet, that’s okay. But, if any of the consequences I list in this episode really resonate with you, take some time to notice that and question whether you could lighten your own burden simply by refusing to continue the cycle of self abandonment.
IG/Tiktok: @mindfulatmidnight
Website: www.mindfulatmidnight.com
Today we’re discussing values: what they really are, how they influence us, and what it means when we have different values from another person.
In short, to me, values are what you’re going to prioritize in your life. Of course, because we’re human beings, it’s not always as simply as valuing something and making it happen. Sometimes, we have values that we are unable to bring into fruition due to our own limiting beliefs, and that’s what can cause internal conflict.
Our values can also help us determine what types of people we want to have in our lives. Chances are, no matter how much you like or love someone, if your values aren’t aligned, the relationship will never work out.
In this episode, I’m going to discuss the overall importance of values and how you can begin to come into alignment with yours.
As a woman, it has taken me many years to release the internalized misogyny that was unfortunately bred into me. I have been taught to view other women as competition, as unsafe to confide in or be close to, and as people always “out to get me.”
Even though I knew that I wasn’t doing these things to other women, somewhere along the way I became paranoid they were doing it to me. While I’m sure there are some women who don’t have the respect and consideration it takes to build a same-sex community, I’m not here to focus on them.
What I’m talking about today it cultivating community with other women and the importance that can have in your healing journey if you also identify as a woman. Much like expressing your struggles with mental health can help you realize you’re not alone, I believe creating a community of women to discuss experiences can have the same benefits. You will probably find, more often than not, that they have been in similar situations to you. Or, maybe they even have advice on how you can work through things yourself.
I’m on a mission to become more woman-centered, rather than looking for validation and connection from men. While there is nothing wrong with that, I am personally ready for a season of my life full of wholesome connection, and I think a lot of girls are. The dating scene is rough right now, and a lot of women have been going through it, so let’s band together for a bit and explore what sisterhood really means.
There are a couple of key signs to look out for when you think you might be ready for growth or changes, which I outline in this episode.
The most important thing to remember is that growth can happen at any time and it can happen in many stages. Growth is not linear, so don’t lose heart or worry that maybe you’re “stepping backwards.” There really is no such thing. There are only lessons upon lessons.
In this episode, I also go over how to gauge that someone else may be ready for change so that you can know how to respond in some relationships. However, know that while you may be able to determine whether someone is ready to grow or not, you can never make someone grow and take the steps they need to. That comes down to every individual.
Take a look at where you stand in your life, and look for the main factors listed in this episode to determine what level of growth you’re actually ready for.
Happy healing my friends.
We’ve all been there: giving our opinion when it wasn’t asked for, or sitting and listening to opinions we didn’t ask for. If you find yourself here often, I have some news for you: it’s because you lack boundaries.
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hear other’s opinions but, if you’re a people pleaser or someone who is afraid of stating your boundaries you’re bound to listen even when you’re done hearing what someone has to say.
Each time you do this, you are saying to yourself that what this person has to say is more important that what you have to say. That their beliefs are more important than yours. And that it’s more important to keep them happy and comfortable EVEN WHEN it’s hurting you, than it is to stand up and tell them no.
It’s okay to tell people you aren’t looking for their opinion. It’s okay to stop sharing with people whose opinion you don’t care to hear, whether this comes to decisions in your own life or anything else.
In today’s world, so many people freely share what they think as if it’s the most important thing without ever bothering to see if anyone asked them. It’s okay to discuss your beliefs, of course. What I’m getting at here is when these opinions are about your personal beliefs or actions and you DIDN’T ASK what they think. Let’s normalize telling people no one asked them, in the first place.
Our feelings can be great indicators of what our bodies may need in any given moment, but you don’t need to let your feelings dictate your actions.
No matter how you feel you can still make conscious decisions about what is most helpful/healthy for you and follow through with those actions.
There are three main examples where I discuss the importance of not letting your feelings dictate how you act. Those are: letting fear keep you from making major changes in life, letting “negative” emotion stand in the way of being present enough to experience joy, and letting lack of motivation be the reason you don’t keep up with your routines.
Learning to differentiate between your feelings and actions will help you with self discipline, confidence, and becoming a better person to yourself and others. In my opinion, cultivating this skill is a key component to a successful life and can really determine the path you take in you career, relationships, and health.
Learn what is good for you and stick to it, regardless of how it might make you feel. This means doing the thing even when you’re scared. It means working out even when you have no motivation. It means allowing yourself to experience joy in the midst of a difficult situation. It also means setting boundaries even though they don’t always feel good. Life isn’t always about only doing what feels good, it’s also about being brave enough to do what feels uncomfortable and face your difficult emotions so that you can blossom into all that you are capable of.
Obedience comes in many forms, especially if we are looking at it from a religious point of view. But, in my opinion, one of the most important forms of obedience comes from following your intuition and listening the whispers of your soul.
When we are manifesting something big in our lives, or praying for something, it takes more than uttering the word and waiting for it to be true. The action it requires from us is usually going to come in the form of intuition or ideas being planted in your mind. These unexplainable things are ways you need to be obedient in order to receive the blessing or manifestation you’ve been waiting for.
For me, this happens when I am inspired to make content about certain topics for life coaching, or even for this podcast. Because I am currently manifesting self-sufficiency in my business and being able to help people, the ideas I have point me to take steps in the right direction for those things. The obedience comes in the form of me acting on those ideas (creating the content). If I wasn’t being obedient, I would procrastinate and let the idea be pulled from me and given to someone else.
Obedience also means allowing certain relationships, situations, locations, etc. to end. This is showing up in my life right now as I am moving to Colorado. Even though it’s scary and hard, I can feel that it is the best thing for me and, therefore, I will be obedient towards it.
As I have been diving more into my faith as a Christian and into my work as a life coach, I can’t help but notice certain similarities between the two things.
In the episode, I explain my take on manifestation and prayer in that, to me, they are one in the same. There may be different language used, but ultimately the purpose is to align yourself with something you desire.
There are a few steps to this.
First, you have to know what it is you even want. You can’t pray for or manifest anything if you don’t know what it is to begin with. An important part of this is also thinking about how said thing will make you feel once you do have it.
Next comes actually asking for what it is, in detail. Visualization can help a lot here.
In the meantime, while you wait for your prayer to be answered, you can ask yourself what you might be able to do in the meantime to create the feeling previously discussed.
In the realm of manifestation, the is called “acting as if you already have the thing.” In Christianity, it’s called being obedient and aligning your heart posture with all that you seek.
We’ve all seen the “That Girl” routines and we see people sharing their habits on social media all the time. Even as a coach, I often feel like clients come to me expecting me to give them a perfect routine that will make all their problems go away.
In this episode, I break down the way our habits really work to influence our self esteem and explain that there is no such thing as a perfect routine. What it really comes down to is choosing what works for you personally. We can watch people’s morning routine videos as a way to inspire us, but it actually does more harm than good if you consume this sort of content only to shame yourself about what you think you “should” be doing.
There are two types of habits: those that are helpful towards getting us where we want to be, and those that aren’t. What those specific habits look like for you is something only you can know.
What helpful habits you do isn’t what matters. What matters is that you are consistent with those habits and you build self trust by showing up for yourself every day.
I’m exploring a topic today that one of my friends introduced me to a while ago. She told me that whenever she feels like she’s in a bad mood or just isn’t thinking in the most productive way about herself or her life, she checks in with her “plant needs.”
This means before she allows herself to spiral into a pit of negativity, self criticism, or self pity she asks herself these questions:
Have I had anything to eat
Have I had anything to drink
Have I gotten outside
Have I gotten enough sleep
These four simple questions can help us to stop identifying so strongly with our negative emotions and, instead, recognize when we simply need a little self care. Pausing this way and identifying your plant needs will help you pause before entering that spiral or “tornado mind” as I like to call it.
Give this a try next time you’re feeling overwhelmed.
In this episode, we explore the way taking responsibility for the things you want in life is the first step in actually getting them. You can’t sit around waiting for new friends to appear, a new job to fall into your lap, or the love of your life to walk into the coffee shop you’re sitting in.
Sure, you can’t force anything and trying to will probably just make things worse. BUT you do need to become the things you want to attract.
What do I mean by this?
Well, if you want high vibrational friendships, you have to become a high vibration person yourself. If you want a loving relationship with someone, you first have to have a loving relationship with yourself. If you sit around waiting for these people to show up in your life, you put all your power into the hands of others. If you believe you have to meet high vibrational friends before you can embody that yourself, you’re doing yourself a disservice and refusing to take responsibility for creating the life you want.
I know it’s scary and hard to take this responsibility. I was terrified to find out I was actually in control of my life and that I was actually the reason that things weren’t going the way I wanted them to. Eventually though, I stopped letting myself be limited by the fear of not being able to provide what I wanted for myself and I started taking action to prove that little voice in my head wrong. I began doing the damn thing.
So, whatever you want in life, and particularly if those things involve other people, first try to believe that you are worthy of it and that you already embody those things. I know you can do it.
I’ve mentioned this on several occasions, but this episode is going to be fully dedicated to the fine lines in the self-help industry and how it can actually be unhelpful to consume too much information.
I am speaking here from my own experience because, as someone who has been working on my own healing for years, I’ve followed tons of self-help accounts, read a lot of books, and I’ve taken it upon myself to consume as much information as possible to become the best version of myself. The result? In the beginning I would become extremely overwhelmed with everything I felt like I absolutely HAD to work on. And, now that I’ve been doing this work for a little while, I am still sometimes confused by the differing advice and figuring out what applies to me.
This over-consumption of self help advice can eventually lead to a deep mistrust of yourself and what you know to be true. Sure, it’s important to educate yourself, and this isn’t to suggest otherwise. But, what I’m learning, is that not everything needs to be analyzed to death. When you get caught in that loop, as I have many times, it can be difficult to allow any fun or playfulness into your life and your relationship.
So, I have unfollowed all self-help accounts on my personal Instagram, so that I can learn to trust myself and reference the sources I need when necessary rather than trusting these voices and rarely referencing my own. This is especially important for those of us who struggle with an anxious attachment style because most of us already struggle with hypervigilance and scanning for problems. Cue in everyone on the internet labeling people as narcissists and you create a situation that makes it that much harder for anxiously attached folks to earn secure attachment.
As I always say, take what works for you and leave the rest. This can be hard to learn at first but, when you become selective about what you consume, you might find it easier to begin trusting yourself. This is where I also think working one on one with a coach who is specific to you and your situation can be so helpful. Posts made on the internet are general and educational, don’t try to make something fit you or your relationship as another reason to avoid vulnerability with your partner.
**This meditation should not be done while driving or during any other time when you must be aware of your surroundings.
This guided meditation for helping you discover your ideal experience is meant to bring out more of what you want in life. Often, we know what we DON’T want, but many people struggle to talk about what they do want more of. The purpose of this meditation is to explore a place where you have everything you could ever dream of. Then, once you have that place in mind, you will ask your highest self what boundaries you may need to set with people around you in order to get there.
When we envision everything we’ve ever wanted being ours, we put ourselves in a vibrational state that is aligned with what we want, thus attracting those things to us. You can practice this meditation in conjunction with the Boundaries Workbook I have released or do it as a standalone meditation for manifesting.
Our society perpetuates this idea that everyone has to project confidence all the time. I get the sentiment, because of course everyone wants to be confident, but all it really does is create a system where you feel ashamed about having insecurities.
So, not only do you have things you feel insecure about, but you also feel insecure about feeling insecure. What kind of mind eff is that?
In this episode, I wanted to disclose some things I don’t like about myself. Most of these are unhelpful habits/coping mechanisms I’ve picked up along the way of life, but none of them benefit me in being the person I want to be anymore. These are also all things I am able to change. There is a difference between being insecure about things like this and being insecure about, say, physical features that are completely out of your control. Buuuut, a lot of people are even changing those things about themselves.
This episode may rub you the wrong way, and if it does I want you to notice that. The content I’m speaking on is me taking radical responsibility for myself and the way I show up in the world. I am responsible for creating the life I’ve always dreamed of. I’ve spent too might time wallowing in a victim mentality and blaming my circumstances for my own negative behavior.
Now, I’m trying the best I can to change these 10 things. You’ll notice a common theme here, which probably points back to my core wound of abandonment. Whatever it is, I’ve noticed these things about myself after some days of self-reflection and I don’t want to take these tendencies into the new year.
Ahhh boundaries. I wouldn’t be a coach or someone in the self-help industry if this wasn’t a topic on my podcast. My approach to boundaries is more about getting close with yourself to figure out what you want and need first, then learning to communicate that effectively.
Boundaries are the borders that show you where you end and another person begins. They help us to feel safe in our lives and to cultivate the experience we want to have. They also exist both internally and externally, a fact few coaches succeed in mentioning. That being said, learning to set boundaries can often be the most challenging and uncomfortable dilemma in life.
This is why I’ve created a boundaries workbook which explains what boundaries are, how to identify your boundaries, and of course, how to implement them. Each person is going to experience boundary setting differently, and the workbook I created is meant to facilitate that change and support you as you go along.
IG: @mindfulatmidnight
www.mindfulatmidnight.com
In this episode, I discuss the importance of setting intentions for the new year rather than resolutions.
The difference may seem slight to some but it’s actually very significant and will completely change the way you interact with your goals in the new year. Rather than setting concrete standards for myself, I like to focus on what I want my experience to be like in the new year. This way, no matter what goals I reach or how the year turns out, I can feel successful in cultivating the feeling of the year rather than feeling displeased at what I maybe didn’t accomplish.
Of course, there is also always the option to simply continue living and growing at your own pace without being intentional and I’m learning to be okay with that too.
This episode is meant to inspire you into taking a softer approach to the new year, and I hope sharing what my intentions are will be the push you need to release some of the rules you set for yourself.
One of the most common ways I see my clients struggling when it comes to self care is that they don’t have consistency in their habits. Too often, people only come to me in crisis mode or only try to apply the tools I have given them when they have already reached their breaking point.
The problem is, by that time, your thinking brain is not going to be the one running the show and you won’t have access to all of your helpful resources. To avoid this cycle of burnout, you have to practice these tools every day, even when you are feeling the best you’ve ever felt. Of course, there are exceptions. However, once you begin incorporating these habits into your daily life, they become part of your identity. It’s no longer something you need to remind yourself to do.
As a result, doing the things that help you regulate and process emotions will become routine when you are in a moment of crisis. You will know exactly what to do for yourself and, after all, you won’t have a second thought about it.
This week’s episode is short and to the point. If you struggle with following through and procrastination, then this one is for you!
We all struggle at times to show up for ourselves or keep up with the habits we know benefit us. Even I slack off on things sometimes, even after all the work I’ve done on self discipline. I’m not fully sure what causes us to avoid doing the things we know are good for us, but I do know that this tip is a simple way to wake your mind up from the “I’ll do it tomorrow” fog.
When I am struggle to turn off the TV and go to the gym, get out of bed and wash my face, or—sometimes—even edit these podcast episodes, I will say to myself “I never regret ___.”
Obviously, you fill in the blank with whatever it is you’re struggling to get done. This will usually remind me how much I enjoy these activities and how much they actually benefit me. I hope that these tips help you as we all enter that end of year slump. You don’t have to wait for the new year to begin implementing healthy habits!
I am exposing more spirituality in this episode than I have before, but this topic is something I have been meditating on a lot lately and I felt called to share.
This week we are diving into the difference between the soul and the ego. If the word “soul” doesn’t resonate with you, you can think of this as your highest self. To me, the two are one in the same.
I believe that both the soul and the ego are necessary parts to being human, and each serve a function. I have also been examining the faults of the ego and how living out of that version of myself also puts me in close alignment with my fears rather than my faith. The job of the go is to keep things familiar and safe, to seek validation, and to essential keep you alive on what I will call “junk food".”
The ego will make you seek love and validation in shallow forms like hooking up, getting likes on Instagram, and making a lot of money. The soul seeks deep nourishment like genuine and vulnerable partnerships, a career with purpose, and validation from within (in the form of self compassion). While you can live on the junk food the ego craves, your soul wants you to eat what is healthy for you.
I find that, because the ego is meant to protect you, this can also cause you to live in alignment with your fears. Meaning you let the fear of negative emotion run your life rather than trusting yourself to handle difficult situations and process your feelings.
Neither one is necessarily better than the other, both serve their purposes. BUT I find that as people heal, they are more likely to want to live in the place of authenticity their soul provides, rather than the mask of the ego.
My website: www.mindfulatmidnight.com
IG: @mindfulatmidnight
Email: mindfulatmidnight@gmail.com
Gratitude is a hot button word in the self-help community, and I tend to shy away from beating the dead horse that it is.
However, it is most talked about because it is life changing and can be a very useful tool, especially if you find yourself stuck in a rut of negative emotion rather than processing it in a healthy way. Gratitude is one of those things where, if you’re feeling grateful, you really can’t be experiencing any other “negative” emotion. I recommend making a list of things you’re grateful for if you do find yourself paralyzed in anxiety, sadness, or anger. Or, you can write down one thing you’re grateful for each night.
My wariness around recommending gratitude comes from the way many people use it to force toxic positivity on others who are going through a difficult situation. There are just some things you’re not going to feel grateful for at first and that’s okay. Sometimes it takes time to accept a situation for what it was and be grateful it ended. No one can rush that process for you and trying to make yourself for grateful for a shitty situation before you’re ready is a recipe for shame. And, if you’ve been listening, you know we don’t mess around with shame as a motivator.
So, practice gratitude for what you’re ready to be grateful for. It will help you acknowledge everything you have in life without shaming you if you do want more too. Remember, both things can always be true.
Wishing you all a blessed Thanksgiving!
An introverted people pleaser is a label I believe I am the first to create, though I could be wrong.
If you find yourself anxious over cancelling plans with people or changing the dynamic in which you spend time with others, there’s a good chance you may be an introverted people pleaser. When you are healing the need to be a people pleaser, you will first need to learn to be okay with disappointing people. The ones who love you most will be there for you once you have a stronger foundation in your journey. It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself and stop self-abandoning by pleasing others. It’s actually one of the healthiest and most loving things you can do for yourself.
When you start this journey of setting boundaries and learning your own limits, you are bound to make mistakes and end up disappointing other people. That’s okay. It is a part of the process. But, in being brave enough to do this work for yourself, you will soon realize that strengthening the relationship you have with yourself is the only way you can have strong relationships with other people. First you have to show up for you. Then you can begin to fully share your life with other people. That’s what this journey is all about.
Do you feel like you need to be great at everything you do, even if it is something you’ve never done before?
If so, you’re not alone and in this episode I explore how you may have developed this mentality along with what you can do to unlearn this need.
Whether you relate to the reasons I provide for needing to excel or not, it is important to acknowledge that the solution I provide will help you nonetheless. It is my observation that being labeled as “above average” in the public school system seems to have placed unnecessary strain on myself and other classmates I had in this scenario. As adults, most of the people I have talked to have little grace or patience for themselves. They have a constant need to produce A+ work and also receive acknowledgement for how amazing they are. I’ve been there myself and I still catch myself in that place at times.
In my experience, the antithesis to this perfectionistic attitude is self-acknowledgement, compassion, and patience. This means you allow yourself to be a beginner and you decide that it’s okay if you aren’t the best in the room.
Give this episode a listen for practical tips on how to accomplish this. :)
Do you struggle with shaming yourself because you still have love for someone who has hurt you?
In this episode, I explain why we may still love someone even after they have hurt us and give tips on how you can create more compassion around this topic. You can shift your mindset to one that is more helpful to you and isn’t fed by shame, it just takes some self-awareness and practice.
It is okay to love someone, in fact, it is a beautiful thing. However, loving someone unconditionally does not mean that you unconditionally tolerate their mistreatment of you. If you have walked away from someone you love in pursuit of better treatment, you are brave and you deserve to express compassion for yourself.
It is important to know when you may be abandoning yourself so that you can start to change those habits and meet your own needs.
In this week’s episode I give examples of self abandonment I’ve seen in myself and in my clients. As always, identifying what behaviors are unhelpful to you is the first step in actually changing them. Tune in to hear some examples of self abandonment and some small habits you can enforce to gain self trust, compassion, and confidence.
Trusting yourself is the root of confidence, and the only way to trust yourself is to actually show up for yourself in ways that count. This means you follow your own boundaries, you exhibit mental toughness. Then, after a while, you will begin to notice that the little voice who was begging to be heard in the back of your mind is now running the show.
This is what healing abandonment wounds looks like in real time.
You always hear that growth is uncomfortable, painful, and difficult. No one ever follows that up with “because.”
So, today I decided to explain my take on why growth/change can be difficult for so many people. My hope is that if you understand the why, going through the process becomes a bit less difficult. Growth is painful because, in many ways, you are grieving the death of yourself over and over. You have to face newness each time to embark on the healing journey. There are new boundaries to be set, new standards to uphold, and new ways of communicating with the people you love. Sometimes this also means that you lose some of them too, and that sucks.
Change can be scary, especially when you get to the stage where you’re feeling isolated and alone. But, trust me, nothing is worse than staying in spaces you no longer fit as a person you no longer want to be. Allow yourself to grow, to heal, to change, with compassion and grace. Do it all because, frankly, you deserve it.
So, you want someone to let you back into their life. You know you hurt them and you need to apologize, that should be it, right?
Wrong.
Requesting that someone let you back in is not that simple and, if you’ve really hurt the person, it can take a lot of work to gain their trust back. Here are some questions to consider if you find yourself in this predicament.
The number one rule to apologizing (in my opinion) is that you have to be ready to actually change your behavior. If you aren’t, then you are just manipulating the other party into giving you what you want. The way to avoid this is to analyze your intentions beforehand. Of course, you can apologize and leave it at that, without asking that the person allow you back in. But if you want to actually repair the relationship, the only way that can happen is if both parties are willing to take part in the hard work of forgiveness.
I hope this episode helps you assess whether or not you’re ready to apologize!
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It’s hard to miss people. It’s hard to grieve. But, in my opinion, missing someone is not a good enough reason to let someone back into your life.
This is especially true if the person has repeatedly hurt you or violated your boundaries.
In this episode, I discuss three things you should ask yourself before you give someone another chance. I know it is tempting to rush into the arms of someone you love, but ignoring their past behavior won’t make the future any better.
I want to stress the importance of self compassion in this process as well. We are not machines, it is okay to miss and love people who have not treated us well. Even if it makes no sense logically, sometimes you are going to wish things were different between you and the person who hurt you because, guess what, love isn’t rational. Whether this person was a relative, partner, or close friend, one of the hardest things you can do is walk away from someone who isn’t good for you.
What’s even harder is to maintain that distance when they are coming to you asking for a second chance. Before you allow them back in, get really honest with yourself about the questions I’ve posed in this episode.
This week we’re talking all about self care and love languages.
If you want to improve your relationship with yourself and amp up yourself care routine, you can begin by looking at your love language. Your love language describes the primary way you receive love from someone else, so it’s a perfect place to start when exploring that relationship with yourself as well.
In this episode, I give practical examples of how you can use your love language to determine what type of self care you may be lacking in your routine, along with examples of each.
Tune in to learn more!
Join me this week as I take this opportunity to discuss my favorite YouTube channels and, of course, connect it back to something deeper.
I’ve gone over many tools on this podcast that you can put into practice to begin healing your inner child, and of course I will continue to deliver more. This tool in particular is the way watching healthy family dynamics in media (I specifically talk about vlogs) can help heal your inner child and soothe your inner wounding.
I have found myself watching family vlog channels for years and it wasn’t until I discovered the power of inner child work that I began to dissect why.
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All inquiries can be sent to: mindfulatmidnight@gmail.com
If you find yourself constantly starting and quitting new workout routines and diets, this episode is for you.
I was there too. Not so much with the dieting, but I tried program after program and tried so hard to stay consistent with working out. It wasn’t until I took a step back a realized that I was trying to change too much at once that my habits shifted.
This can, of course, be applied to any new habit or goal you have in your life. The secret to consistency is revealed in this episode as we discuss what keeps so many of us a stuck and how to break down our goals into manageable chunks.
You’re not alone if you’ve been stuck in a loop of disappointing yourself by not following through. Instead of beating yourself up about it, let’s take a look at what might be at the root of this issue.
Consistently showing up for yourself is also the #1 way to build self esteem in confidence, which I will be exploring more in depth in a later episode. For now, enjoy learning the secrets to consistency and I will catch you guys next week! :)
Remember there is no time like the present to choose a better future. You can sign up for my programs via my website www.mindfulatmidnight.com or by DMing me on Instagram @mindfulatmidnight
Our society is based on instant gratification, which is enjoyable when it comes to streaming shows and music. It’s not so enjoyable when it impacts our interpersonal relationships and sometimes creates more conflict than necessary. In this episode, I discuss the importance of creating space between conflict and reaction so that you can respond in a way that feels good for you.
I’ve noticed a tendency in myself and my clients to want to rush through emotions, especially when these emotions are strong and what someone would typically label as negative. Tying this into attachment theory, this also feeds into the cycle of disconnect we begin to feel with our partners.
The way to avoid falling into the same old fights?
Take a moment to pause. WAIT before you respond until your emotional reaction isn’t running the show. It’s the only way to choose a new path, rather than to get sucked into the same track.
If you don’t like the experience you’re having in life, whether it be with other people, your habits, job, etc, the best thing you can do is take time to reflect and figure out what needs to change. I can give you all the coaching tools in the world, but if you aren’t creating space to put them to use, they don’t have as much power to change your life.
**Disclaimer: I do ask the permission of others (in this case my client and my previous partner) before I mention anything about them in my podcast. All consent was given before posting :)
Once in a conversation with my therapist, she told me every time I was saying “I love this person BUT,” I was negating the fact that I loved them. As if to set a boundary also means that you no longer love the person and that’s not the case at all.
I find that replacing BUT with AND allows for both things to be true. I love you AND I will no longer be tolerating this behavior.
In this episode, I talk about how this simple shift in language can change your energy from one of scarcity to one of abundance. It allows for more than one thing to be true and creates a space where you can exist in the complexity of your humanness.
Your language matters. How you speak about yourself, others, and the world matters. this creates an energy around you that can change your life for better or worse. Replacing but with and is one very simple way you can begin to shift your vibration and what you’re attracting in life. It is also a healthier way to approach boundaries and step away from codependent tendencies in your relationships. You can love someone AND set a boundary. You can be grateful for all you have AND want a new job. Just because you feel one thing, doesn’t mean everything else needs to be negated. Constantly using but does this. Change your vocabulary and change your life, starting today.
Remember there is no time like the present to choose a better future :)
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If you have any experience in the self-help industry, you have probably seen tons of people recommending affirmations. However, I find that very few people explain how affirmations work and why they are a great stepping stone towards healing your inner child and becoming who you want to be.
In this episode, I not only explain how affirmations work, but I also give practical guidance for how you can incorporate them into your daily life for the best benefits. It’s my belief that affirmations give us a direct line of communication with our inner child. This is why choosing affirmations that specifically resonate with you is so important. So, I also give tips on figuring out which statements will work for you in this episode.
This week is all about getting intentional! Whether you’re setting intention for a new month, a new week, or even a new day, it is so important to remember that you create your own experience. By writing down what you want to experience this month, you are giving a voice to part of you who may not have otherwise had a chance to speak. I encourage you to listen to this episode if you want practical steps towards creating the life you’ve always dreamed of.
Emotions are the way our bodies communicate with our brains and let us know how certain circumstances affect us. Though I try to view emotions as I would any other biological function, I know that our thoughts can often get in the way and make things more complicated.
This what causes meta emotion, or how we feel about how we feel. For example, you may experience an event that makes you feel angry but somewhere along the way you were also taught that anger is “bad.” So, instead of processing the anger in a healthy way, you begin to feel shame about being angry. This is what creates the meta emotion and is what can make healthy processing so difficult for many people.
In my opinion, the key to avoid falling into the trap of meta emotions is to practice compassionate processing, a concept I explain in the episode. This means that you do your best to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion is coming up, ask yourself what you need in that moment, and give yourself time to express and feel the emotion. Then, you can begin the process of logically thinking about the emotion and analyzing where it may have come from or what you may need to address in your life.
When we fall into meta emotions, it can prevent us from fully processing what is going on. This will make certain feelings become stuck in your body where they will resurface later.
For those who have a hard time feeling their emotions at all, this concept may be a little advanced. However, the first step to healing anything is always to become aware of it first. If you find yourself struggling with meta emotions, this episode will help you to decipher what it is you actually feel and gives you practical tips for how to process emotions in a healthy way.
Self-compassion has been a catalyst for all the growth I’ve experienced in my life. Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am today and I wouldn’t be able to keep healing at the rate I am.
Having compassion for yourself when you are moving through difficult situations is the best and only way you can lighten your burden and create space for lasting change.
In this episode, I’ll explain what my life was like before self compassion and how I’ve created a new baseline of kindness for myself. I’ll also be giving you examples of when you can practice compassion for yourself.
For more information on reparenting, developing self compassion, and healing the child within, please visit my website:
www.mindfulatmidnight.com
You may have heard of the “Golden Rule” when you were in elementary school. It’s a rule that says to treat others the way you want to be treated. While I agree with the sentiment in that, and I think it’s a good place for children to begin to learn empathy, I don’t think it carries over well into adult life.
For one, if we are always treating others the way we want to be treated, it may be assumed that we will get the same treatment in return. However, we are all unique individuals so what bothers one person may not bother another. How, then, does this rule apply once our preferences and boundaries develop? The answer: it doesn’t.
It is your job as an individual to advocate for what you need and what your personal boundaries are. We cannot ever assume that someone else will know how to treat us based on how we treat them.
Every year around my birthday, I like to reflect on all the things I’ve learned. Normally, I think of an amount of lessons that matches my age. So, for this year, I am documenting 23 things I’ve learned in 23 years of life. All of these things are based on my own experience and my own opinions, so if anything doesn’t resonate with you: that’s okay. I am still a work in progress and learning as I go!
Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m a certified health and life coach and host of the Mindful at Midnight Podcast. In this episode, I explain a little bit about myself and why I wanted to become a life coach.
I had a nontraditional childhood; my mother is a drug addict and my father was in prison until I was 18. Because of these circumstances, I’ve realized how many unhelpful beliefs and behaviors I have created to keep myself safe. From ignoring all of my own boundaries, and being involved in many codependent relationships, over the years I’ve realized that I want better for myself.
I found life coaching during the height of the pandemic and, through the resources provided on the many podcasts I’ve listened to, I began to take matters into my own hands. I shifted my mindset to create a better life for myself, improved my confidence, and have gotten to know myself at a level I never thought possible. I am still a work in progress, but I have a much better relationship with myself now than I ever have before.
Now, I want to help other do the same and realize that there is no time like the present to choose a better future.
New episodes on my journey, how I’ve changed my mindset, and how you can to will be released every Friday.
You can also visit my Instagram @mindfulatmidnight for more inspiration and tools.