Inside My Wardrobe: Recent Episodes
Pipa Gordon
Conversations on marrying up the person we are on the inside, with the person we are on the outside. Join broadcaster Pipa Gordon taking a rummage through who we are and how we do life.
In this episode I talk with Michaela Hyde from Marriage Foundation. It's more of a personal chat and debrief of 2022 really in which we cover empty nest syndrome, long term relationships, living with chronic pain, Michaela's menopause journey and my return to education. We also talk about HRT and also other techniques for resilience that help us survive the ups and downs of life.
As promised, here are the menopause-specific episodes:
- 104 To HRT or Not with Sharon Hartmann (this is an edited-down version of 91, Menopause HRT and your GP)
- 103 - Diane Danzebrink talks about her surgical menopause and how it resulted in her reaching breaking point and then becoming an activist for menopause awareness.
- 92 - Food, mood and hormones - how we can use what we eat to help navigate hormone change
- 91 - the full episode with Sharon Hartmann on making an informed decision re HRT and how to approach your GP
- 79 - Beyond The Bleed is with the menopause Psychologist Dr Becky Quicke about navigating anxiety and mental health through peri-menopause
- 78 - Knowing and Navigating the Smptoms of Menopause with the wonderful Diane Danzebrink
Sex therapist Emma Waring joins me for part 2, following on from episode 107, ‘Is Your Sex Life Dutiful or Beautiful?’ to discuss the more intimate side of pleasure and our sexual relationships. We discuss orgasms, how the clitoris works, how vibrators can improve our sex lives and she reveals the all-important location of the not-so-elusive G-Spot. (Did you know that 96% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm? Hollywood might have us think otherwise).
Emma shows various vibrators during this episode which we describe for audio-only purposes, however we did also film the conversation which you can see on www.womenwhatwhistle.com
We also cover sex in menopause and how vaginal atrophy can cause bacterial vaginosis and recurrent thrush - lubrication can be answered prayer for that.
Emma’s website is emmawaring.com and she mentioned various resources including Pillow Talk which is currently discounted on Amazon.
The other two episodes Emma has done with us are: 107 ‘Is Your Sex Life Dutiful or Beautiful?’, and also episode 94, ‘What Is Good Sex?’
Enjoy
In this episode we talk about equality in sex and relationships. We delve into the roots of cultural and religious writings that have informed a male superiority over the centuries, where women's shame around sex, nakedness and physical desire comes from, how we can recognise if our sexual script is skewed/damaged, and what to do about it.
NB trigger warning at 15 minutes where Emma describes the action of rape, it is no more than one minute long.
Once again, Emma is fantastic and gives us lots to think about. If you've not heard the first episode she did, Episode 94 'What is Good Sex?' is well worth a listen as well, it is currently one of our most downloaded podcasts.
To get in touch with Emma Waring, here's her website
Emma's book is Seasons of Sex and Intimacy
She also mentioned Becoming Cliterate by Dr Laurie Mintz and Fairplay by Eve Rodsky
10 years ago, Helena Croft founded Streetlight UK. Prostitution and trafficking is a very real issue. It’s quite of the moment to suggest that sex work is empowering, but Helena has a very different and experienced take on this narrative which is currently being pushed about.
This episode is a conversation of two halves. First is about how Helena overcame terrible shyness and uncontrollable blushing that often held her back in life. And then how her faith helped her find her voice, which began her transition into politics. 10 years ago, she then founded Streetlight UK which gives support to women involved in prostitution.
You can read more about the charity on their website Spotlight UK and the book Helena mentioned was Trafficked
Please get in touch if you have a story or know someone else who would love to share theirs. You can email me pipa.gordon@icloud.com or find me on social media.
In this podcast episode, author Cary J Hansson talks to me about her epic midlife adventure in which she went back to university, already as a mum of twins, and having also navigated divorce. She accidentally fell in love and decided to relocate to Sweden once she graduated… and then found out she was carrying more than suitcases!
I’m not so sure she set out for it to be an adventure but it really was, and then, of course, hormones began to change so she had some more navigating to do. During that time, she’s raising twins, a new baby, paddleboarding, cold water swimming and writing short stories and novels which you can find here and all of which deal wonderfully with all the true ups and downs of ‘midlife’.
Cary is a fabulous example of taking life by the horns and not being held back by fear of the just in case. It’s a wonderful conversation and reminder that life is for living, at every stage!
This is an edited-down version of podcast episode 91 in which Menopause specialist Sharon Hartmann discusses hormone change with me and how we can best navigate it.
She covers things like when hormone change begins, what can instigate it outside of the natural rhythm of life, and then she covers various symptoms, some more unknown than others.
We also discuss natural v HRT (spoiler: topically applied HRT IS a natural product), the difference between gel, patches and spray; the importance of how you apply, testosterone, the Mirena coil, and also the length of time to take HRT and if it's ever too late to get on board (spoiler: forever, and not usually)
Sharon is an NHS nurse practitioner and runs a private practice to support women going through menopause. You can find her online here.
Please do subscribe to the podcast, you can find it on all platforms and if you'd like to subscribe to the blog as well, head over to Women What Whistle website.
This week we talk with Diane Danzebrink, campaigner, psychotherapist and menopause expert about her experience of menopause which was brought on by surgery for a hysterectomy, after discovering she had ovarian cysts, endometriosis, adenomyosis and a large fibroid. So severe were the psychological effects of menopause that it almost resulted in Diane ending her life. She tells the story in this episode.
Her website is www.menopausesupport.co.uk and you can sign the petition (please do because it’s getting very close to the all-important 200k) here. There are also extensive resources available on her website, she also records a podcast called The Good The Bad and The Downright Sweaty
Other episodes we have done on the menopause are:
78 Knowing and Navigating the Symptoms of menopause with Diane Danzebrink
79 Beyond the Bleed with psychologist Dr Becky Quicke
91 Sharon Hartmann – how to approach your GP
92 Food mood and hormones – Emma Ellice Flint
93 Testosterone is not just for boys, another great campaigner Dr Zoe Hodson
Please do come and join our Facebook group, and if you’d like to subscribe so you receive the podcast into your inbox, then please do on womenwhatwhistle.com
Finally, just a quick reminder - menopause itself is one day. It’s one year after your last period, however, it takes approximately 10 years of hormone change to get to that point, and it’s those years that we refer to when we say perimenopause. A LOT happens in that time – far from hot flushes!! Estrogen receptors are scattered throughout our bodies and so when our estrogen levels drop, it can affect us dramatically – the list of symptoms is long!
Physical:
- Hair loss
- Weight gain
- Brittle nails
- Vaginal dryness
- Sleep disorders
- Dizziness
- Incontinence
- Allergies
- Breast pain
- Headaches
- Joint pain
- Itchy skin
- Irregular periods
- Irregular heartbeat/palpitations
- Osteoporosis
- Burning tongue
- Tingling
- Gum problems
- Night sweats
- Hot flushes
- Changes in body odour
- Digestive problems
There can also be profound Psychological symptoms too, as we hear in this episode
- Mood swings
- Fatigue
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Irritability
- Difficulty concentrating
- Memory lapses
- Loss of libido
Remember, everyone's journey will be different. Please do not suffer in silence, there are many support groups and a wealth of information available. Reach out and connect, please don't hold back. Pipa x
Grief is something that we’ve all found ourselves talking about with the loss of Queen Elizabeth. It has a profound impact on us and during this collective time, many of us have experienced the pain of other losses rise to the surface. In this episode, we talk to Jo Moseley, who found herself feeling at the end of herself after her own journey of grief and in the midst of menopause. Almost accidentally she turned it around and literally paddled her way out. She’s now a filmmaker, podcaster and writer, and the first woman to stand up paddleboard the 162 coast-to-coast trail from the west to the east coast of England. She says she’s just an ordinary person, which of course we all are – so it just goes to show, that if we are brave enough, we can do anything.
You can connect with Jo on social media @healthyhappy50 or you can find out more about her on her website, you can download her film Brave Enough, and find her podcast, The Joy of SUP here as well as on all the usual platforms.
You can also get in touch with me @PipaGordon on social media or via the website where you can subscribe so that you don't miss a podcast or a post.
Here we go, the first episode of Women What Whistle, renamed and revamped and very much about not falling in line or fading away. It’s about finding our brave through the stories of other women who’ve had to find theirs.
We start this week with a conversation laying out the concept that challenges our perception of normal. We so often berate ourselves for not being like someone else, but ultimately, normal is most beneficial when measured against ourselves. Dr Sarah Chaney, historian of nursing and emotions, joins me for a conversation in which we talk about how this concept of normal came about, and just how flawed it is.
Sarah touches on her own experience growing up, of trauma, living with grief, being bullied, self-harm and feeling immensely anxious on a daily basis. She’s a wonderful example of being shaped by her experience of life so far, allowing the process to mould her into who she is today and embracing her past in order to shape her future – surely that is the perfect example of finding true personal fulfilment.
Culturally we have become obsessed with happiness, but I think contentment and fulfilment is perhaps a more valuable aspiration. But, those things don’t come from what we have or what others see, they come from allowing ourselves to embark on our own journey, by owning our past and allowing it to shape who we are today and carry us into tomorrow.
Sarah has written 2 books, Psyche on the Skin – a history of Self Harm, and Am I Normal – the 200 year search for normal people (and why they don’t exist). She’s also co-hosted a fascinating podcast series called Living With Feeling and if you can follow her on Twitter @kentishscribble
It's so great to be back and thanks for listening! Each new episode will be published every other Tuesday across all podcast platforms. You can also subscribe for free on womenwhatwhistle.com which means you will get it delivered to your inbox, and you'll also receive my fortnightly newsletter/chat on non podcast weeks. If you would like to support with £4 per month, you will also get access to the undedited video conversation – it won’t be polished like the podcast is, and won’t have my chat at the beginning and the end, but will give you the opportunity to see how the interview actually went in real time, warts and all. It will also help keep the podcast going without the need for random ads!
Please note that if you’re a free subscriber, you don’t miss anything, you still get all the best bits in the podcast itself.
THE STORY SO FAR: Welcome to our final episode from inside the wardrobe. We are relaunching with a slightly new focus in the Autumn which I explain about in this episode
The previous episodes I signpost are:
Menopause: 72, 78, 79, 91, 92, 93
The 5 love languages: 25
What is good sex: 94
Eating disorders or food related: 29 76 92 95
Grief and depression: 49 84 85
The link to my website is here
The link for subscribing to Women What Whistle is here
And the link to our Facebook group page is here
As ever, thank you so much for listening – much love all round!!
Our penultimate episode inside the wardrobe before we launch afresh in September, with excellent words of wisdom from Winona Ryder and Caitlin Moran about ageing and how to find yourself. Click here to join the Facebook group page and here to go to my website. Talk to you next time x
Well well well! It's been a LOT longer than I initially thought but here we are! Listen to this episode as I process through managing change, the new world we find ourselves living in, slowing time and a catch-up on where we are now and what's coming next.
Just a short 25 minute episode for our last podcast of 2021 in which I talk you through my 20 year practise of wrapping up the year just gone by. I promise you that you will never hurrumph at new year again. It doesn’t need to take long but it’s a sure fire way to make every year count and to start each new year afresh – and without a single resolution in sight!!
If you want to email me what we talk about in this episode, please do so pipa.gordon@icloud.com
For any other info, just check out my website, pipagordon.co.uk or come and find me on social media, or join our Facebook group.
Happy new year!!!!
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
In this penultimate episode of 2021 I travel to Baker Street tube station and walk over to the apartment of my long-time friend and fellow broadcaster, Joanne Good. As the second oldest female broadcaster in the BBC, our plan was to talk about staying fresh and relevant, but as always we covered so much more! She talks about being a youTuber at 66, facelift spotting in Waitrose and why she blames Winnie The Pooh! We cover everything from dogs to bingo wings, but most importantly we talk about how to stay on top when it comes to all the different things life throws in our paths.
Jo hosts a radio show on BBC London Radio 4 nights each week from 10pm and Sunday afternoons from 3pm, has a YouTube Channel called Middle Aged Minx, and hosts a podcast called Dogs In The City (currently having a break).
She has an incredibly positive and can-do attitude about life which never fails to inspire me so I think you will love our conversation. Please do rate, review and share with your friends, we would love it if you join our Facebook group page and if you would like to get in touch with me, I’m Pipa Gordon, all the links to getting in touch and following on social media as well as other podcast episodes are all on my website pipagordon.co.uk
If you wonder if you will ever find your voice, or fear that you won’t know what to do with it when you do, then check out this episode. It’s a hugely inspiring conversation with someone who has forged her own path right from the start. We talk about politics, patriarchy, education, and media, taking part in life, taking control and finding our confidence. Alison Cork has lost three and a half stone in eight months, so we cover exercise, food, hormones, menopause, Campari, kids, chocolate – all while walking (not ambling!) around Hyde Park.
Alison is a powerhouse, her website is alisonathome.com her charity for women entrepreneurs is MAKE IT YOUR BUSINESS and you can find her on social media as Alison Cork.
You can also find me, Pipa Gordon on my website, and please do come and join our podcast Facebook group
Sex therapist and author Emma Waring joins me for an episode in which we pull back the covers on our sex lives. It is an area of life that we are often uncomfortable talking about and yet something that is so vital to our health and wellbeing, not to mention our relationships.
In this episode we discuss:
- The value of sex and intimacy
- Dealing with previous sexual trauma
- Loss of libido and ways we can build it up
- Managing children at home, exhaustion and a busy work life
- Common barriers to intimacy – physical / psychological
- Sex drive and when they don’t match
- Practical tips on how to move from the place of sexual negativity, through to sexual positivity
- Orgasms, how they work for women
- Hollywood and porn, how we have been misguided by media
- What is good sex? What is enough sex? What are we looking to achieve?
Emma's book is called Seasons of Sex and Intimacy
Emma’s Website is https://www.emmawaring.com/
Other resources mentioned:
Seasons of Sex and Intimacy by Emma Waring
Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz
The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
She Comes First by Ian Kerner
Fair Play by Eva Rodsky
Finally thank you for finding this podcast and taking the time to listen. Please do rate and review, and also come and find me on social media or my website. We would love for you to join our Facebook group page too.
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
In this episode we wrap up Menopause Awareness Month by talking with Dr Zoe Hodson about testosterone and alcohol. It’s not just about libido, we talk about the benefits to mental health, our mood, energy and mental agility. A decrease in testosterone can have a detrimental knock on effect to women’s lives. Zoe talks about women being misdiagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, ME, fibromyalgia, POTS, even women being investigated for an early onset of dementia – all because of the dip in testosterone, a hormone that our ovaries already produces, hence, it’s not just for boys.
We also talk about the effect of alcohol and how during this stage of our lives, it has an effect on our heart health, sleep, anxiety and bone density.
If you would like to follow Zoe, she’s on Instagram and Twitter
You can access the FRAX tool here
You can order the Testosterone T-shirt here
You can order the Make Menopause Matter T-shirt here
Zoe works closely with Dr Louise Newson and there are heaps of wonderful resources on the Newson Clinic website too.
Other episodes on Inside My Wardrobe dealing with hormone change and peri-menopause/menopause are episodes 72 78 79 91 and 92
Thank you for listening, please do share this episode with your friends and family and keep talking about these things, there is absolutely no shame in hormone change.
If you would like to get in touch with me, please do so via my website, and if you would like to join our Facebook group page, click here.
On this episode we talk all about how our food effects both our physical and mental health. Our hormones are affected tremendously by what we eat and there’s a reason why diets don’t work, they don’t give us the balance we need, for example, high protein = low mood. Clinical nutritionist and former chef Emma Ellice Flint joins me to go deeper into this conversation, she is passionate about making a difference to our health and happiness through food and nutrition, and hopefully you’ll glean some great tips from this conversation. Here are some notes..
Emma’s website is emmasnutrition.com – as we said there are loads of recipes on there, she offers 1:1 consultations, hosts workshops and if you follow her on social media, she’s regularly posting more ideas for how to eat healthily.
We talk about phytoestrogens and other great ingredients in plant food that specifically support our bodies as we go through hormone changes:
- Legumes, pulses and beans – soy being top of the list.
- Also in chickpeas, white beans/cannellini, haricot, butter beans, black beans
- Seeds – flaxseed/linseed, chia seed
- Top 3 nuts for women are almonds with skin on, walnuts and brazil nuts (just 2 a day)
- Dark berries on your breakfast
- Vegetables – kale, cauliflower, brussel sprouts
- Fermented food such as sauerkraut, kefir etc enhance your digestion
High protein low carb are short term diets that can cause long term bloating and fatigue. Remember, high protein = low mood
Exercise is also connected to gut function as well as sleep quality and emotional health. They all connect together.
Emma will be back in the new year to talk about weight, but in the meantime, please do check her out online or on social media she is @emmas_nutrition
Finally if you would like to contact me, please do so via my website, or click here to join our Facebook group.
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
Menopause is often misdiagnosed so education is paramount. If we can know what to look out for, we will be far more equipped when we go to see the GP for help and support. This week we talk to menopause specialist Sharon Hartmann from the Newson Clinic. She works both in the NHS and the private sector so she has a window on both experiences.
The effects of menopause start in our early 40s, sometimes even sooner and often they are misdiagnosed as depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, even alzheimers – you’ll hear all about that across the next few episodes.
If you haven’t yet heard the other episodes about navigating and understanding the symptoms, they are numbers 72 78 and 79.
In this episode, Sharon Hartmann was keen to talk not just about menopause, but how to talk to your GP about HRT and we cover masses – from migraines to endemitriosis, depression to pelvic floors, to how to apply HRT, the 5 year myth, the WHI Study, testosterone, the mirena coil and libido …here’s a few break points:
17:00 symptoms, both physical and psychological
19:00 pelvic floor and bladder, vaginal atrophy
28:00 body identitcal HRT
33:00 HRT and whether or not to come off (short answer, no)
38:00 what to do when your GP says no
42:00 5 year myth
46:00 Is it ever too late to start?
50:00 testosterone
51:00 libido and anxiety
54:00 bad sleep and sleep hygiene
57:00 mirena coil
We talk about the Newson Health clinic where you can get heaps of advice and help as being a great place to start and click here for the NICE guidelines to help you with approaching your GP. The Balance app is the other resource helpful for navigating and tracking your symptoms.
Please share these episodes with friends and family, it’s so important to keep the conversation going.
Thank you for listening, if you'd like to follow me on social media, you can see all my links via my website
COPYRIGHT PIPA GORDON 2021
In this show we talk about anxiety, change, careers, teenagers, parenting, failure, adventure – all sorts!
Cai Graham, author of The Teen Toolbox, is a parent and teen coach and joins me in a multi tasking episode. We talk about what teenagers need, what is going on in their lives, their unconscious minds, and how to cope with moodiness through to self harm. We also talk about taking control of our own lives, whatever stage we may be at, and embracing change as and when it comes. We touch on grief, depression and anxiety.
Cai can be found on all platforms and her resources are available via her website at caigraham.com her book The Teen Toolbox is widely available, click here to order on Amazon.
Other things mentioned in the show: Aristotle quote “happiness consists in achieving, through the course of a whole lifetime, all the goods – health, wealth, knowledge, friends etc – that lead to the perfection of human nature and to the enrichment of human life. This requires us to make choices, some of which may be very difficult”.
Other episodes mentioned
Menopause episodes so far #72 #78 #79
#88 Lucinda Gordon Lennox “Nobody is Broken”
#54 Cathy Madavan - When Life Throws A Bowling Bowl in Your Path
If you would like to get in touch with me, all my links are available on my website pipagordon.co.uk and please feel free to join our Facebook group page for further conversations.
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
It's all in this podcast! First up, we have a catch up after what has been a much longer than anticipated break, and then we talk with Lindsey Beveridge about her recovery from addiction and how she became a nutritional therapist.
We hear about the needs of our bodies and how we can help ourselves form new habits as we come out of the experience of Covid and lockdown.
We discuss the damage alcohol can do, but also how poor diet affects us long term. Lindsey talks about what we are aiming for, how to go about it, and even what is an acceptable amount to drink - and if you are on HRT, why it's important not to drink at all. She touches on cravings, burnout, genes, food intolerance, even how nutrition can support us during the menopause.
Lindsey’s website is www.recovery-nutrition.co.uk if you would like to read more about the work she does or get in touch with her.
If you’d like to get in touch with me, all my links are on www.pipagordon.co.uk
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
Why are we exhausted? Why are we not racing out of the gates now the restrictions are being lifted? Why are we feeling flat? Shouldn't we be feeling more excited and energised?
We have longed for freedom and now that it is here, we don't have the energy for it. Why is that? In this episode we begin to talk about the exhaustion that comes from prolonged stress, trauma and shock management. I saw a car accident last night and after calling 999 and reeling from the shock, I went numb. I needed to recharge after a surge of cortisol flooded my body to deal with what had happened. It's a similar thing going on right now as we start to step back into life, we are exhausted from coping and there is still more to cope with as we are far from out of the woods.
It's been a while since I've been on - it's so good to catch up! You can join the Inside My Wardrobe facebook group page and come and find me, your host Pipa Gordon on social media. All the links can be found here on my website
COPYRIGHT 2021 PIPA GORDON
For the last episode of this year I threw open the floor to our facebook group and let them ask the questions via my husband Brian who added his beautiful mellow tones to the podcast! We talk about all the insights and learns from 2020, favourite conversations, hopes for 2021, George Clooney’s hair, padded pants, all sorts!
We have a competition in this week's episode to win a 2021 A4 Passion Planner. UK address to receive the prize, closing date midnight on 16th December 2020, entrants to pipa.gordon@icloud.com
Particular episodes we referred back to were:
- Ellen Carr #81 – fascinating insight on our doshas
-
64 - let’s talk about racism #blm
-
62 with Angie Fadel – clocking shoulds
- Saying no – Mandy Saligari #70
…and of course there are loads more – plus episode #42 where I mention Robert Waldinger..
https://robertwaldinger.com/author/bob-waldinger/ and his TED talk “how to have a happy life”
You’ve been great company this year – do come and join in on the Facebook page, have a WONDERFUL Christmas, whatever it might look like and I look forward to talking to you on the other side xx
Terms and conditions of competition: UK residents only, closing date 16/12/20 and competition is in no way connected to Passion Planner or any other retailer of Passion Planner
This week we hear from Emma Simpson, scientist and writer, wife and mum, and someone who experienced multiple traumas over a short period of time that turned her life inside out and resulted in her developing clinical depression, followed by chronic fatigue syndrome and a mast cell disorder.
In this episode we hear Emma’s devastating story, about how she has learned to deal with PTSD and grief, about depression, anxiety, about over achieving, pushing away pain and the eventual breakdown that would see everything rise to the surface.
If it wasn’t for Emma’s friends and family, she says she wouldn’t have made it through. This is such a real and honest tale of how life can change overnight and that the only way through, is by taking one step at a time.
You can read Emma’s blog by clicking here you can also follow her on Instagram @lovelifelemonstones and if you’d like to get in touch with her for any coaching and conversation, then you can find her here on Linkedin. You can also find out more about The Winne Mabaso Foundation she mentioned here
Finally, the fabulous quote she shared with us is:
Ego says “once everything falls into place, I’ll find peace”
Spirit says “find your peace, and then everything will fall into place”
Finally, all the other episodes, show notes, links and ways to contact me are all on my website, pipagordon.co.uk and our Facebook group page
2020 has been hard in so many ways, but like in any trauma or tough time in life, how we cope is often determined by the story we choose to tell ourselves.
Here's a moving podcast illustrating how to find strength when we keep going anyway. Accepting who we are and where we are at, gives us so much power and once we find that place, we begin the journey of healing and freedom!
This episode is perfectly timed as so much change has occurred this year in all of our lives. Much of it for the better, but also with lots of trauma and sadness in the mix. Nina Chesworth's story is a real example of courage, determination and resilience. She has had to overcome trauma in a way that none of us would ever imagine. Having become severely short sighted after having the flu when just 2 years old, had multiple operations that would succeed and then fail after a time taking her through years of torture; then in her adult years, had 2 separate accidents that each involved losing an eye.
She kept strong for everyone else, until the final accident when she came apart and fell into a deep depression. Her resilience however, unfailing, eventually found the lifeline to pull her back out. She’s an inspiration and a true example of HOW to keep going when we are struggling to see the way forwards ….
In this incredibly inspiring episode we talk about how Nina has developed practices to maintain a good place when it comes to her mental health, how she manages the ongoing stress that comes from Charles Bonnet Syndrome, a syndrome of hallucinations that comes about with sight loss; she talks about how her friends and family have been her support line and how she's had to rebuild her life over and over, clinging on to the determination that protects her independence and ability to be productive, creative, help others and most importantly be a mum.
Nina has a degree in Design and art direction despite her visual impairment at the time, started her own business making her own handmade jewellery, and began the creative craft café in Manchester where people could come and express their creativity in order to help their mental health.
Nina continues to support others with their mental health all the while adjusting and working with her own. Our mental health is an ongoing journey and the tips and insights that she shares during this episode are doable for us all.
Do check out The Bridge and Sister Stories so if those sounded like they could be helpful to you, definitely take a look. Also remember that we have a Facebook group page where you are always safe to come and offload to those who will support you, and please remember, as Nina said, things always get better.
Nina's Blog - www.blindbbutsound.co.uk
Twitter account @blind_but_sound
Instagram and Facebook as @NinaChesworth
This has been an immensely difficult year for everyone – in different ways we have made sacrifices, managed stress, illness, loss …the list for everyone is different. Whether its been isolation and loneliness, or fear for loved ones who you can’t see, or managing children whilst working, or desperately trying to find creative ways around running a business so that you can keep your head above water – we’ve all gone through it and everywhere I turn right now, people are tired, fed up, hanging on by a thread.
In the news this morning there was a piece on how anti social behaviour and abuse is escalating in supermarkets ….. but it really highlights the mental state that some are in, there are many fragile people walking around on the brink
So for my wrapping up of the people pleasing series, I want to finish with the importance of understanding how we are effected by life and what goes on around us and giving ourselves the freedom to roll with some punches – I don’t mean being tossed by the waves, we have a responsibility to manage how we respond to negative feelings but at the same time, it’s important that we acknowledge and understand what we are feeling – for ourselves.
We’ve been a generation of goal setting reach for the stars and that’s great, the world has offered so many opportunities to us however right now, it’s so much more important that we take the gas off, that we allow ourselves to feel our way through the rest of this pandemic, to be connected to our feelings so that we don’t come out the other side disorientated or burned out but instead, we come out grounded, knowing what really matters
One of the things this second lockdown highlighted for me was realising how quickly we had reverted back to life as we knew it pre Covid just in the last couple of months… shopping, seeing friends, people were having parties, meeting in restaurants, sitting close together …as if it had all gone away and we had forgotten. If anything, we can use this as a reminder that despite all the horrific things going on during lockdown, all the stresses and strains, we also all began to pair down and connect with the things that matter most.
A friend of mine tweeted this morning about how low she’s been feeling of late …. Brian and I were talking over coffee this morning about the exhaustion we are all feeling right now – he was saying it’s a bit like when you learn something new, your brain gets tired – and we’ve all had to learn so much “new” this year – in the past we could go to work, go to the shops, go on holiday, all on auto pilot without having to think, everything was so familiar to us and suddenly this year that has all changed, very little is familiar, we are always having to think, be aware, do things a different way – of course we are exhausted!
One of the things we have talked about over the last few weeks has been menopause as last month was menopause awareness month so add to that the influence on hormones in our lives, whether it’s your monthly cycle or hormone change in perimenopause or post menopause, add to that all the different stresses and strains being carried by those around us, add to that the not knowing of what’s ahead – yes the vaccines look really promising but we aren’t there yet – it’s difficult – let’s acknowledge that. .
The reason I’ve included this as the final part of the people pleasing series is because it is vital that as part of learning about who we are, about getting to know ourselves and be ourselves, that we also learn to be comfortable in ourselves during the difficult times and give ourselves what we need – rest, support, a good book, a podcast, a walk in the woods …whatever it might be. That we learn to lean on each other, feel our feelings, not sweep them under the carpet but allow ourselves to mirror the seasons, right now to prepare for hibernation – we’ve earned it this year!!!! We NEED to rest and reset.
Usually this time of year I start to plan ahead for the following year but as that process has begun, I’ve started to think about how I’m going to nurture myself and my family first, as Gayle Johnson talked about back in episode 75, use journaling and creative ways to process through emotions and really get in touch with ourselves, last week we talked about cold water swimming and how shocking our body into fight or flight, learning how to breathe through that panic response enables our neural pathways and physical responses to become stronger and more resilient to stress – in fact next week we have an incredible guest on who is the most inspirational example of living through trauma and coming out the other side – and that’s really what this year has been for us,
By definition, a A traumatic event is an incident that causes physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm in which we might feel threatened, anxious, or frightened as a result. The reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, confusion ….all sorts.
So in becoming more of ourselves, in grounding ourselves stronger in who we are and what we want from life, we also need to know and understand the other side of that coin, be able to recognise our negative feelings, where they have come from and sometimes allow ourselves to go through that muddy puddle, even sit in it for a while. We can’t rush these things – that’s something I learned through my divorce, I was devastated when I heard it would take a good couple of years to grieve and feel like myself again but that person was so right - and we can’t rush Covid either, we are here, we are moving forwards and we have all been marked in one way or another by 2020 – remember its generally the bad stuff in life that we learn from so let’s not race back to life as we knew it, let’s take the time to reflect deeper into ourselves, to get to know who we are and how we are feeling, allow ourselves to feel the Autumn and Winter of this year because Spring comes next and then summer. So however life is looking for you right now, keep going but be kind to yourself, be aware of what you need so that you can be even more of yourself both through the good times and the more difficult ones. I think you’ll love next week’s episode, it’s an incredible story of resilience
In the meantime, take care, keep washing your hands and wearing your masks and if you’re feeling frayed around the edges, that’s ok, spring isn’t too far away – in fact it’s about the same distance as we are now from when we came out of the first lockdown – and that doesn’t seem to far now does it?
Other episodes in this series:
#73 Part 1: get to know yourself – how can you be yourself unless you know who you are, start to notice and be curious
#74 Part 2: continuing with getting to know yourself, take it further and start to ask yourself about your opinions – read, think, question – be curious! Often people become people pleasers not because they are wanting to be liked, but because they just don’t know their own answers. How can you find your tribe, your people, if you don’t know what defines you? Why join a netball team when you prefer to be on water?
#77 Part 3: boundaries – learning to say no and that realising that when you give your power away, when you’re always saying yes and standing aside, it opens you UP TO FEELING VIOLATED and ABUSED
#83 Part 4: today – putting all those things together in many ways is really simple but then the final point is this – life happens – and it’s all very well knowing the colourful side, but we are whole people and we also need to know our darkness. Brene Brown says “You can’t selectively numb your emotions” and in the same way, we can’t only know what we want, we also need to know what we feel ….
#75 – writing for healing – Gayle Johnson
#76 – How To Eat and Be Happy - eating disorders with Michelle Scott
#72 #78 #79 Menopause and how hormones dramatically effect the way we do live
#81 Ellen Carr – knowing your dosha and going with the seasons
#82 – Chilly Dippers with Olivia Sharron
Welcome to another episode of Inside My Wardrobe – I was originally going to call this “Keeeep Talking” as it’s Strictly Come Dancing season but then I remembered “just keep swimming, swimming swimming” – and I couldn’t really move on from that. You have to have seen the movie Nemo to get the title. “Just Keep Swimming” is Dory’s line, played by Ellen DeGeneres and her motto taught to her by her Mum, when life gets hard, to just keep swimming ….
This week’s guest came about after #76 “How To Eat And Be Happy” with therapist from the Recovery Centre, Michelle Scott talking about eating disorders – she asked if I would be interested to talk to Olivia Sharron – Founder of Chilly Dippers which is a cold water swimming community that is growing across the UK to encourage not just physical wellbeing but to help people find and develop natural coping mechanisms for dealing with every day stress and anxiety – which of course was a definite yes from me because I hand on heart believe that the more comfortable we are with ourselves, our emotions, our feelings and learning how to express them, the easier life gets – it doesn’t stop the mountains from standing in our way, but when you have confidence in every aspect of who you are and where you’ve been, you develop a strength that carries you forwards over mountains and through the storms which are inevitable – how boring would it be to sit on a beach all day every day? I’ve talked before about how I was going to spend a weekend with a group of friends walking up Snowdon and down again but as life would have it, a family emergency cropped up which meant I couldn’t go but when they all came back, no one talked about reaching the top, it was all about the journey and who struggled and who slipped and then the champagne in the hot tub afterwards – mountains are good particularly when we climb them with friends.
In this episode we talk about the importance of talking, of community, of looking around and seeing that we aren’t climbing the mountain on our own, so it’s important to express how we feel and then there’s this amazing effect that cold water swimming has – not just in the camaraderie around a hot chocolate afterwards, but also about how physically shocking your body into fight or flight helps bypass the mind and speed up the process of freeing our instinct to help us become people who have confidence in our own ability to cope when the going gets tough.
It’s been proven to:
- Encourage Better sleep
- Improves circulation
- A Natural high
- Increases your metabolism
- Boosts your immune system
- Enhances happiness – releases endorphins
- Is great for the skin
The premise of Chilly Dippers (www.chillydippers.com), is a mental health initiative set up by Olivia Sharron whilst at The University of Edinburgh to encourage more natural coping mechanisms for dealing with everyday stresses and anxieties. The focus is on how cold-water swimming and its mental and physical health benefits really takes people out of their normal routines, for even 5 minutes of something different to really help them gain some perspective of their worries. Olivia says “I had noticed too frequently, so many of my friends battling with mental health issues and not being able to speak about it. Luckily, through the many ‘Chilly Dips’ I have hosted up in Edinburgh and in London’s Serpentine Lido - we have been able to challenge the taboo around mental health through opening up opportunities for likeminded people to share their stories / or simply just engage in a fun, outdoor activity”.
You’ve heard me waxing lyrical about the benefits of Japanese practise of forest bathing. It has been proven that intentionally spending time around trees, walking through woods and forests lower heart rate and blood pressure, reduces stress hormone production, boosts your immune system and improves the overall feelings of wellbeing – it just goes to show the importance of being aware of all the natural world has for us.
On top of that, Chris Evans has been singing the praises of cold showers for months so you don’t necessarily have to take the whole plunge although I have to say, from those I know who do it, it seems to be addictive, my aunt in her 50s swims all year round in the sea in south west Wales – she posted a photo just the other day after they came out of their lockdown, the first thing she and a group of women did was to leap in the car and head to the beach, in November – and it’s cold on the welsh coast ALL year!!
Lorraine Candy, editor of Style Magazine in the Sunday times recently wrote a piece on how HRT and cold water swimming together have really helped her through the menopause – and she only learned how to do the front crawl in her late 40s so there’s hope for us all! You don’t have to be a natural or seasoned swimmer – “the endorphin high lasts for some time, I can only liken the buzz to the heady days of the 90s rave scene” https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8895561/Icy-dips-lidos-lakes-sea-daily-high-good-HRT.html
People make extraordinary claims about how cold water swimming has literally saved their lives because it’s had such a profound effect on their mental and physical health – stress relief, depression – all caused by the body learning how to protect itself when faced with a surge in cortisol https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/cold-water-swimming-why-an-icy-dip-is-good-for-your-mental-and-physical-health/
https://www.iprshealth.com/news/8-benefits-of-cold-water-swimming/
Cold water swimming may help defend from dementia by stimulating latent hibernation protein, scientists say
- 'Cold-shock' protein - RBM3 - was first identified in mice after they were cooled
- It was found to trigger the removal and then regrowth of synapses in the brain
- Scientists wanted to see whether humans would also be able to make the protein
- And tests on lido swimmers have confirmed people can also produce it
So the evidence is there, for ALL ages there is a huge benefit to cold water swimming but equally, and so importantly as Olivia pointed out, the importance of talking can never be underestimated. A few weeks ago we did a couple of episodes on what Dr Becky Quicke referred to as the third initiation of a woman’s life – of menopause, and of stepping into your queendom and being there for all the other younger women who cross your path so whatever age you are, reach out, not just to your peers, but to those older than you and to those younger than you, we are not designed to live isolated and disconnected lives, we thrive on connection and community so keep swimming and keep talking – and come and join in our Facebook group page as there are women of all ages ready to connect and share together.
Links are dotted through the notes but the main one for Olivia is www.chillydippers.com
and my website where you can find all the podcast episodes and more www.pipagordon.co.uk
During this episode we talk with writer and holistic therapist Ellen Carr about connecting with our bodies at a deep level so that we can discover who we are and find fulfilment and joy in life. We talk about how the seasons around us affect us according to our Dosha, we talk about masculine and feminine energy, how the Western culture in which we live promotes more of a goal based masculine existence which pushes us away from the nurture and reflective nature of the feminine energy. We all need both, but as a society, we have become incredibly linear which isn’t good for us so we talk about lots of different ways we can find balance and develop non-linear ways of being that will help us to feel good about and connected to our lives. It’s a beautiful conversation laden with wisdom and once again, lots of food for thought.
You can find all the information we talked about by clicking this link to Ellen’s website http://being-change.com/ take the Dosha quiz if you’re up for it and come and find me on my website or social media :) and here's the story of the fisherman:
There was once a businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Brazilian village.
As he sat, he saw a Brazilian fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore having caught quite few big fish.
The businessman was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?”
The fisherman replied, “Oh, just a short while.”
“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.
“This is enough to feed my whole family,” the fisherman said.
The businessman then asked, “So, what do you do for the rest of the day?”
The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I join my buddies in the village for a drink — we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night.”
The businessman offered a suggestion to the fisherman.
“I am a PhD in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you should spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fish as possible. When you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. Soon you will be able to afford to buy more boats, set up your own company, your own production plant for canned food and distribution network. By then, you will have moved out of this village and to Sao Paulo, where you can set up HQ to manage your other branches.”
The fisherman continues, “And after that?”
The businessman laughs heartily, “After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, and you will be rich.”
The fisherman asks, “And after that?”
The businessman says, “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning, catch a few fish, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!”
The fisherman was puzzled, “Isn’t that what I am doing now?”
If you think that stepping into your Queendom alludes you, have a listen to this episode. A story of dogged determination, poor health advice, employment rejection and then a wonderful turnaround thanks to dogged determination and refusal to sit on the shelf!
Serena Gay has spent her entire life as a broadcaster but then along came menopause, coupled with a major relocation and everything seemed to hit brick walls - until she decided that she wasn't done yet, she had plenty to offer and that "no" wasn't good enough!
Serena's story highlights the importance of self esteem, awareness and a positive mindset to keep on going and to always keep learning. Menopause could have stopped her but she decided otherwise.
Listening to her story and funny anecdotes shows that even when life doesn't go to plan, when the body starts to change and the world seems like it isn't interested, THAT is the time to step into our Queendom and enter this next phase of life with passion, purpose and humour!
We only end up on the shelf if we agree to sit there – like everything, my favourite and life changing lyric from back in the 80s when I heard it for the first time, as relevant in my teenage years as it is now and always will be – LIFE, IS , WHAT, WE MAKE IT.
No one says it's going to be easy, but let's face it, the good stuff never is and we know that! So in wanting to keep our feet on the ground as always, this is Serena Gay, broadcaster and podcast producer talking about the gritty bits of getting older, additional struggles brought on by the menopause and how she has learned to manage her ongoing symptoms such as migraines and weight gain (spoiler alert, it's in the title) - enjoy!
Serena's facebook group page is here: podcasting blueprint for business owners”
Our podcast group page is here: Inside My Wardrobe
And please as always reach out to me, I would love to hear from you. Pipa x
In this episode with @themenopausepsychologist we talk about navigating the impact that hormones have on our psychological state and subsequent mental health. We discuss the 3 stages of being a woman, from childhood, to puberty through to motherhood and into what has the potential to be our most fulfilling years, post menopause.
Until now, hormone influence on our lives really hasn’t been discussed or understood much at all. They affect us from our teen years and learning how to recognise what happens and manage ourselves around our cycles is something that you may or may not have become the expert in.
How to cope with the myriad of emotions that come with our menstrual cycle is vital because hormones have a tremendous impact on our lives at every age and stage. Dr Becky Quicke’s understanding of our cycle and how we are affected on a daily basis is eye opening. She has some incredible insight on the importance of tuning into our menstruation pattern and how if we can work WITH that monthly cycle, we can be so much more prepared for the years of hormone change as the menopause approaches.
She talks about developing the skills to navigate through hormonal storms throughout life, and then with the use of what is called psychological flexibility, how we respond to the symptoms of menopause such as anxiety, depression, brain fog and tearfulness, so that we can experience that third initiation, or stage of our lives in as positive way as possible.
Hormones can influence the way we feel, and this can mean we feel depressed, suffer mood swings, tearfulness, brain fog, a reduction in confidence, become easily irritable, we lose our sense of joy at the drop of a hat, lose touch with ourselves, forget things easily, lose the ability to concentrate – often so much so that we end up feeling forced to make changes to life and work that perhaps we might not have made otherwise.
The 3 step awareness that Becky talks about in the acronym “NOW” is something you can find more about on her website:
- NOTICE WHAT IS GOING ON
- OPENNESS TO OUR SENSES
- WRAP YOURSELF IN SELF COMPASSION
And whilst we are talking about this in Menopause awareness month, this is something that effects all of us, both women, and the men in our lives so please share this episode with your friends and loved ones as there is so much brilliant advice and knowledge in here.
Finally these are the links to all the different things Becky and I refer to during the episode:
Red School and their book Wild Power
Becky Quicke website
Becky’s free resource on how to cope with anxiety
Instagram @themenopausepsychologist
Facebook @beckyquicke
Our facebook group page
My website pipagordon.co.uk
Our hormones have for many years been subjected to shameful jibes however, they are immensely powerful and the driving force behind so much of who we are, hence the title of this episode. The thing is, they also change as we transition into the next phase of our lives around our mid/late 40s and when they begin to change, we can find the impact on our emotional, mental and physical health to be a huge shock to the system if we aren't informed about what to expect.
If we can understand what’s going on, and manage the change with support, the next phase of life has the opportunity to be even more fulfilling and wonderful. The trouble is, we often switch off to its inevitability and think that its nothing to worry about until the hot flushes start which couldn’t be further from the truth! Just like achy joints, osteoporosis, brittle bones, and forgetfulness are NOT just an inevitable sign of ageing, they are all connected to hormone change which we can do so much about when we actually understand what is going on within our body. It actually starts in your early 40s so it’s important to know what to look out for, hot flushes are much further down the line so in this episode we literally list the lot!
The trouble is, until recently, none of this has been talked about, menopause has been laden with shame, guilt and misunderstanding. The symptoms are way beyond what we have always thought and so when you know what to look out for, you are far more likely to be able to navigate this next phase of your life successfully and that’s what we are talking about in this episode, the symptoms to be looking out for.
Davina McCall was on Loose Women the other day and said how awful the menopause had been for her because she never knew, because no one had ever told her what to expect – and that is the case for nearly everyone …until now, partly thanks to my guest this week, Diane Danzebrink who has been central to this becoming a national conversation and raising an army of women who have said enough is enough, this needs to be understood and addressed properly. Diane even took the conversation right into the houses of parliament and lobbied for change, successfully - she is a hero!
As women, we often pride ourselves on getting on with things and that’s all very well but in “just getting on with it” we are actually denying ourselves of the support that we could really benefit from, but even worse, we are allowing the stigma to continue because we are stigmatising it ourselves by saying that we SHOULD just get on with it.
So, we can either arm ourselves with information, or we can exacerbate the issue. We have had to cover up and keep quiet about this significant functional change in our bodies for generations, for the longest time women were just seen as the child bearers and once they were done bearing and raising children, they should be put out to graze and quietly fade away – a disgraceful concept today. The life expectancy for women used to be mid 50 but now there’s an entire life to be had beyond our biologically productive years, we have much more life ahead of us but it can be dramatically effected by hormone deficiency when the body begins to change if we aren't supported correctly.
In this episode, I am joined by Diane Danzebrink, founder of the menopause support campaign and the driving force behind the #makemenopausematter movement to talk about what to look out for and the list is quite a lot to swallow –
- Anxiety
- Low moods
- Depressed
- Mood swings
- Tearfulness
- Brain fog
- Reduced confidence
- Irritability
- Loss of joy
- Poor memory
- Poor concentration
- Difficulty sleeping
- Fatigue
- Increased headaches
- Heart palpitations
- Hot flushes
- Night sweats
- Painful or aching muscles and joints
- Changes to periods
- Vaginal or vulval symptoms
- Urinary symptoms
- Loss of libido
- Dry skin
- Dry eyes
- Changes to oral health
- Changes to your hair
- Weight gain
- Feeling dizzy or feint
- Changes to hearing – some people hear buzzing and ringing, tinnitus type symptoms
- Restless legs
- Changes to body odour
- Increase in allergies if you had them before
- Changes to digestion – gut and bowel health
The list is quite a shock to the system when you realise the effect that hormone change can have on our bodies but as you will hear Diane say, the more we talk about it, the more we normalise it. So please share and post away, use #makemenopausematter and please sign the petition because it is vital that education is increased particularly for GPs.
If you’ve not yet heard episode 72, a beginners guide to the menopause and HRT with Dr Zoe Hodson, she talked about how GPs are barely trained AT ALL on the menopause or HRT and that is often why so many women are stranded with their symptoms, just feeling like their life and body is falling apart, when actually so much of what they’re going through is manageable – remember our hormones are amazing things, they are NOTHING to be ashamed of, they are PART of being a woman and ESSENTIAL to life – it’s crazy that we’ve had to suffer in silence for so long, and for many, it really is suffering, for years. Please don’t let that be you, and please let’s not let our children have to go through the same
CLICK HERE TO SIGN THE PETITION to improve the education of our GPS and if you would like to find out more, here is the link to Diane’s website
Also if you’ve not listened to Episode 72, here’s the link to my chat with Dr Zoe Hodson “A Beginners Guide to Menopause and HRT” and remember to subscribe so you don’t miss next week’s episode on managing mental health during this very important part of our lives.
Please feel free to join in on the Facebook group page called INSIDE MY WARDROBE and come and find me on pipagordon.co.uk
In part 3 of our people pleasing series we discuss the importance of boundaries and saying no. Having solid boundaries is fundamental to not being a people pleaser and the cornerstone to good mental health. You don't need permission to like what you like neither do you need to justify yourself. Boundaries are the lines that define who we are and what matters to us and people will take what you give to them so be sure you're wanting to give what's being taken - if you're feeling burned out and running on empty, sure as eggs is your boundary lines need firming up!
So, with World Mental Health day in a couple of days time I thought today was the perfect time to share with you something that was the absolute turning point for me back in my 20s and became the key to growth, healing and most importantly finding and becoming myself – which is a vital starting point for positive mental health, starting with permission to say no!
In Part 1 of the series, we talked about getting to know yourself (episode 73) and in part 2, we talked about getting to like yourself (episode 74) so in this one, we talk about standing up for yourself and protecting your mental, emotional and physical space.
So why do we people please?
- we learned somewhere along the lines that we have to
- our self worth is based in what we can do for others, rather than in who we are
- we are uncomfortable with conflict and will do anything to avoid discomfort
- we have not figured out our boundaries
How often do you find yourself run ragged because you’re doing so much for everyone else? Staying late at work when everyone else clocks off before you? Going the extra mile and wondering why others around you don’t and then expect you to keep giving and giving?
We all need healthy boundaries which essentially are the limits and rules that we set for ourselves that ringfence our wellbeing. They are the lines that say, I stop here, I need to say no, I don’t want that, thank you very much. They aren’t meant to be rigid or inflexible, they are meant to be there so that you can first and foremost always have enough to give, but also so that people know exactly where you stand and where you draw your line.
Once you start to get your head around healthy boundaries, you feel as though you have so much more control over your own life – now let’s face it, as we have really seen in 2020, in many ways, control is just an illusion but in those instances, where we don’t have control over what happens, we have complete control over how we respond and react to what happens next.
So, in a dating situation, having a healthy boundary can mean physical touch, saying no, giving consent, but also freedom to say I don’t like that movie – rather than just always going with the flow and being complacent, the same in friendships.
When we run parenting workshops, we talk about, boundaries being like a fence around a field. A child that has no fence around a field runs wild and has no ownership of their space because they can’t see where it starts and finishes, often they will feel lost and without a sense of self, but then a child with a very small sheep pen sized fence around them will feel hugely suffocated and restrained which will often cause them to need to break free and run in the wild spaces – but a field with a boundary line, a fence that says this is where we belong and a gate that says however we can come and go, be flexible at certain times, is always the healthiest way to raise a child. (episode 28 boundaries and parenting)
In the same vein, if we have tight rigid boundaries as adults, we say no to everything and go nowhere, we miss out on so much as we keep everyone and everything at a distance, but if we have no boundaries, we have difficulty saying no to people, we quickly feel abused, used, and as though no one cares for us – a good alarm bell of not having healthy boundaries is if you find yourself wondering why it’s always you putting in the effort, or doing the running around – you’re putting yourself in that position because you aren’t respecting your own boundaries (episode 13, uncluttered – boundaries within the home)
Another one to look out for is if we struggle making decisions without someone else’s agreement – needing a second opinion because you don’t trust your own – when we are dependent on other people’s opinions in order to make our own decisions, you can be pretty sure that it’s based in the arena of people pleasing – we have a need for permission from others because we haven’t defined our own likes and dislikes, yes’s and no’s.
It is so important to remember, it’s ok to say no!! – episode 36 is dedicated to that, sorry not sorry, saying no.
It might be that you fear being judged or rejected, or left out or left behind if you don’t comply with others – it could be opinion at work, in the book club – I remember when I first read A Passage To India nearly 30 years ago – I was mortified at the attitude of the British, wanting to make a British pathway around the world, I thought it was hugely arrogant and yet all the arguments at the time, were very pro colonialism still – these days that has changed hugely – I’m glad to say – but to feel your own responses according to your values and then standing by those things, is crucial to knowing who you are and others knowing who you are too – we don’t need to agree, that’s not the point – we do all need to respect each other’s opinions though rather than just going along with the crowd – and even more importantly in this day and age – The Social Dilemma on Netflix showed how easy it is to be swept up with conspiracy theories and be manipulated with information so we really need to be responsible as to where we source our information from
Over giving, over sharing, over serving, over sacrificing is something, particularly as women who naturally fall into that nurture and protect mode, can be susceptible to. We put ourselves in danger of being used, unappreciated and run ragged – for example, rather than losing it with your partner or your children “I’m not running on batteries, I can’t do everything, why don’t you understand” which puts it all on THEM, set a boundary line “I won’t be able to do that AND that so you’ll need to choose one” or just say no - saying no does not make you a bad person!
Healthy boundaries means that there is a balance, we value our own opinions and aren’t phased by disagreeing with someone else, it’s not personal, we don’t judge, we respect their opinion as much as we respect our own. It works 2 ways, other people can like things that we don’t like, and that’s ok. We then become able to accept when someone else says no to us too, it’s a 2 way street.
When you value your own boundaries, you value everyone else’s too. It’s also having the ability to reach out and share when it is appropriate as opposed to just painting the walls with how you feel all the time no matter who is in the conversation – boundaries are there to protect us, at every level.
Setting boundaries will give you so much more freedom. When you know your boundaries, it is far less likely that you’ll do something you’re not comfortable with and at the same time you’re far more likely to do more of what you’re happy about! It’s all about knowing your needs and setting up life around you so that your needs are met – otherwise how are you ever going to feel ok?
Emotional boundaries – protecting your feelings and not wearing your heart on your sleeve for everyone to see.
Material boundaries – how you use your phone, how quickly you respond to emails and messages – phone etiquette can be immensely intrusive of personal space and you just need to dig your heels in and say no to those responses.
Time and energy boundaries – doing things for others, giving yourself permission to say no
Mental boundaries – freedom to have your own thoughts an opinions, your own beliefs, values – it’s ok to disagree
Physical boundaries – touch is obvious – please don’t touch me – or step back and make it clear but also comments “I don’t find comments like that funny or appropriate” “I think you’ll find I’m far from stupid”
Sometimes setting a boundary can feel incredibly foreign when you’re used to being there for everyone all the time and sacrificing all your needs, so again, like getting to know yourself in part 1 and getting to like yourself in part 2, this takes time and practise – Brene Brown says “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others” – and that’s why having boundaries is fundamental to not being a people pleaser and a cornerstone to good mental health because you are ring fencing your needs and ensuring that you are equally respected, loved and looked after – you cannot expect anyone else to do it for you, if you don’t first do it for yourself. People will take what you give them and if you give them a never ending source of yes I can do that or yes I will stay late or you choose I don’t mind, they will take that – so start giving yourself the permission to matter and you will find, particularly if you struggled with liking yourself in the last part of this, you will find that you start people pleasing less, giving yourself space to find your own definition of who you are and slowly you will feel that by taking control, you’ll start to have control
Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend – BOUNDARIES
- Episode 32 How to love myself
- Episode 36 Sorry Not Sorry part 3
Please feel free to join our facebook group page and come and find me, Pipa Gordon on my website
This week we talk about recognising the patterns that potentially lead to, or already point to an eating disorder which is a complex mental illness, often misunderstood because of media portrayal.
Anyone, can develop one, no matter their age, gender, or background. There is no single cause and people might not even have all of the symptoms for any one eating disorder.
Earlier this week we saw Freddie Flintoff’s documentary about his 20 year battle with bulimia in which he began to lift the lid on some of his personal battles (25% of people who suffer with an eating disorder are male) and of course anorexia is the other more well known eating disorder and yet, the causes and symptoms are still so misunderstood by the majority.
Obesity is something we hear and know about and yet we rarely hear about the risk of eating disorders which are so closely associated. 1 person dies every 62 minutes as a direct result of an eating disorder – and it’s getting worse. We all need to be more aware of the patterns so well done Freddie for being brave enough to start talking about this so publically, it wouldn't have been easy as a big part of an eating disorder is the secrecy and shame.
So symptoms range from purging, to restricting, to over exercising, using pills and laxatives, dieting – there are many behavioural patterns around all of these things and so during this episode we talk with psychotherapist and eating disorder specialist Michelle Scott from The Recovery Centre. We cover:
- Diets
- Trauma
- How we use our body to regulate emotions
- Anxiety
- How the Corona virus lockdown and pandemic has increased anxiety levels and caused potential harm to eating habits or a relapse for some in negative eating patterns
- Personality types and how they effect our ability to manage emotions
- Managing trigger foods
- As parents, what to watch out for in our children
- The fact that it doesn’t start being about image
- It effects people through all ages and stages in life
Thank you to Sally Jane who shared some of her struggles on the Inside My Wardrobe facebook group page and allowed us to discuss them further in this episode.
The Caitlin Moran book I believe is already available on Kindle but not yet out in hardback – More Than A Woman
BEAT is the national charity for eating disorders which has heaps of great resources and of course, please get in touch with Michelle at The Recovery Centre if you would like any further support or more resources and interviews.
All my links are on my website pipagordon.co.uk and please if you have a moment, do share this episode with anyone you think it might be helpful to.
Copyright 2020 Pipa Gordon
Following on with the theme of people pleasing and discovering who we are so that we can have the courage to be our true selves, today’s episode is brimming with ways for you to peel back the layers and release the real you who has been slowly disappearing behind the layers of life that often result in us losing touch with ourselves and what matters to us most. It’s not mid-life crisis, it’s a wonderful time of enlightenment that can be hugely liberating if we are brave enough to go on the journey.
Gayle Johnson talks with me during this episode about how writing, as an an act of mindfulness can enable us to condense our worries and anxieties in a powerful way that helps us manage our mental health and day to day lives, be it the requirements of our general hectic lifestyles or something such as depression and anxiety.
Reflective and personal writing is equally as powerful during good positive times as much as it is during the more negative and stressful periods of our lives too. It can help with clarity in so many forms, using lists, mind maps, prompts and jumping off points all of which are devices that can trigger the creative mind and access our deeper feelings.
The power of writing a letter that you know you’re never going to send is another fantastic way of releasing emotion and resentment and accessing some tricky feelings that ordinarily we might not know how best to process. It’s all very well saying things don’t matter however too an overly positive attitude, toxic positivity, doesn’t do us any favours. We need to learn to accept and be with the things that have happened in life, get understanding and then move forwards – as Anna sang in Frozen 2, what’s the next best thing?
The world offers so much to our imagination but as Anthony Robbins says: “You will get there in 10 years, but where is there?” There is so much we can do in life, but it doesn’t mean we can do it all, we need to exercise deliberate consciousness by intentionally and deliberately choosing our next steps.
On a scientific note, there is also a neurological pathway between your hand and your brain, so taking pen to paper as an exercise is very helpful not only in accessing emotions and feelings, but also in creative problem solving.
We talk about stream of consciousness, lists and mindmaps, writing letters and even using devices such as the Haiku, a form of Japanese poetry that forces us to simplify and consolidate.
Writing can be a really helpful way to increase self-awareness, help to identify personal values, the decision making process, why we do what we do, recognise limiting beliefs and negative narrative that we replay to ourselves over and over etc. I hope you enjoy this podcast and are inspired to use the skills of self-work that will enable you to go deeper.
Do feel free to reach out to Gayle, I know she will love to hear from you. Her website is here, Red Tree Writing and you can also find her Facebook group called The Copy Kitchen
Finally, remember to sign up for the 2021 news on my website www.pipagordon.co.uk and join in with our Facebook group page Inside My Wardrobe
COPYRIGHT 2020 PIPA GORDON
How to feel good about yourself, accept compliments wholeheartedly, feel confident in your decisions and free from the need to be liked. In this episode we talk about how to establish your values and avoid the need for validation from others, or the feeling of being invisible or not important - you are enough as you are!!
This is some fundamental life changing stuff - I hope you enjoy!
Click here for the updated website
COPYRIGHT 2020 PIPA GORDON
Fed up with people pleasing and feeling like you're not on top of your own life? Constantly scrolling through social media and feeling like you aren't where you should be? The days of following the crowd have to be numbered if we want to embrace and live our own lives and to do that we need to go right back to the beginning and get to know ourselves for who we were born to be.
As we come out of lockdown, how do we reintegrate with life and establish a new sense of normal without falling back into our old ways and habits?
No amount of self help books and podcasts will help any of us if we can't get this one practise down to a tee!
First step starts here .....
Please do come and join our facebook group page, you can find me on social media, all links are on my website, pipagordon.co.uk and the book I read by Glennon Doyle, is called Untamed.
What is the menopause? When does it start? When does it finish? Is HRT as dangerous as they once said or is it true that the majority of the information was misinformation?
We go right back to basics in this episode with Dr Zoe Hodson, GP and menopause specialist who works with Dr Louise Newson on training GPs in how to recognise, diagnose and treat the menopause and more importantly, the peri-menopause which takes up a huge chunk of our lives impacted dramatically by hormone deficiency.
I have a feeling we will revisit this topic again but this episode is jam packed with information and advice on where to go and what to do – and why we have been so poorly informed until now ….
Other resources:
The Menopause Doctor website – browse through this site for podcasts with Dr Louise Newson and many experts plus other resources
Dr Becky Quicke – is the psychologist Dr Zoe referred to, she is on Instagram as @menopausepsychologist and her website is here she is well worth checking in to for retreats too
Dr Sarah Molly Ball, is the one delving into the WHI study @drsarahmollyball on Instagram
Diane Danzenbrink’s website and also #makemenopausematter on her other website menopausesupport.co.uk
Then Dr Zoe talked about the new Balance App to track your symptoms which you can find here
The UTI Doctor – Dr Catriona Anderson can be found here
Books Dr Zoe mentioned were:
- Me and My Menopausal Vagina by Jane Lewis
- Why Oestrogen Matters: Why Taking Hormones in Menopause Can Improve Weomen’s Well-Being and Lengthen Their Lives without Raising the Risk of Breas Cancer by Avrum Bluming and Carol Tavris
Frax score to find out more about your bone health
Edinburgh University calcium checker here
There is heaps on the British Menopause Society website
You can download the cancer genetics app from Guys and St Thomas here
And not forgetting, to join in with Dr Zoe Hodson’s community and blog called The Hive which you can also find on Instagram
Phew! There’s a lot to keep you going there ….we will do more 😊
If you want to come and find me, I am Pipa Gordon on social media or you can visit my website here
Enjoy :)
Dealing with self sabotage and overcoming our negative narrative ....
Books mentioned:
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
Women Don't Owe Your Pretty by Florence Given
All my links are available on my website
Please do join our Facebook group page
Boundaries, healthy relationships, learning when to say no, self care is NOT naval gazing and so much more with the wonderful Mandy Saligari.
See the TED talk "Feelings - Handle Them Or They Will Handle You" here
Click here for Mandy's website and resources
Click here for the podcast Facebook Group Page
Click here for my website or search for Pipa Gordon on social media
Thanks for listening and talk to you soon x
As we continue to come out of lockdown and attempt to rebuild a new normal, how do we avoid slipping into old habits?
Amazingly, 800 years ago, St Francis of Assissi had some pretty insightful wisdom about what to do as you come away from crisis, he should know, he led his followers through many times of both invasion and crisis, surprisingly, the following points are still as relevant today ….
- Kindness and generosity – a spirit of service and non-materialism.
- The strength of community in forging new shared pathways towards a more fulfilling life in times of challenge.
- Love for and nurturing of nature.
- Simple and fresh food, with occasional fasting.
- Supporting the roles of women as compassionate and wise leaders, as embodied in St Francis’s elevation of the role and influence of St. Clare, his childhood friend.
- A sense of our place in the universe – a celebration of the sun, the moon, and the stars – taking our daily focus to a level beyond the everyday to our place in creation. Transcendence of the mundane is a time-proven means of generating peace and mental well-being.
- Meditation as a means to achieve and grow this experience.
- Transcendent music as a means of elevating the heart and soul.
- Rebuilding the church, as Francis’s visions guided him to do, according to the fundamentals of Christian teaching: love, forgiveness, simplicity, and care for the poor and disadvantaged.
Renewal is the opportunity that arises from crisis and these fundamentals, all supported by science as the pillars of mental well-being, will serve us well!
Copyright 2020 Pipa Gordon
Yay us, we have survived 100 days of lockdown!! But if it takes between 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit we are in danger of slipping back into our old ways unless we consciously make the effort now to pinpoint those changes and commit to them.
So I decided to come up with a checklist to hold myself accountable and remind myself, hence the title, that this year has truly given us the gift of hindsight and we don’t want to forget what we have learned.
They say elephants have amazing memories like humans, they mourn their dead – they literally have funerals, they bury them with branches and leaves, they have an incredibly advanced emotional memory as is their ability to problem solve.
I don’t want to forget what I have gained from this pandemic which has brought so much trauma and devastation to many lives. Like a war, there is a cost and we remember those who gave their lives – in a similar vein, people have lost their lives to Covid whilst others have had the chance to improve their lives, in so many ways it has been grossly unfair and so rather than wanting everything to go back to normal – which in so many ways can’t happen but at the same time, will happen unless we put the effort in to learn from what we have experienced.
Life has continued to be busy for me, but I have been massively impacted by the change in pace and vibe around me – I have been really fortunate as we have all been free from illness so I’ve been really lucky to enjoy the benefits that I’ve been able to draw from this time - its felt peaceful in so many ways. So, I have used the word PEACE as an acronym to remind me of the ways I have benefitted from slowing down and I intend to use it so that I can continue to embrace peace in my life, rather than become super busy again:
P – PAUSE – just stop, read, listen to music, lie down and look at the sky. Even 3 minutes here and there in the day makes a huge difference
E – ENGAGE with the moment. Listen, hear, talk, stop rushing to the next thing
A – ADMIRE the world around you. Seeing the good around you, admire means “to feel respect and approval” so whether that’s family members, colleagues, friends, your home etc. I’ve been admiring trees and flowers like never before and it does something internally when we see good – like the law of attraction, you find what you are looking for.
C – CREATE – you may not feel artsy, but I believe we are all creative in some way and there is something about being in touch with our creativity that gives a sense of wellbeing and fulfilment. Elizabeth Gilbert’s BIG MAGIC is a great book to encourage this, whether it’s baking, painting, sewing, writing, redecorating ….find your inner creative!
E – EMBRACE – love on each other, cherish those who matter, spend time together, connect with our community – walking, talking, board games, sending letters, making gifts, sharing tomato plants and tray bakes – giving of ourselves to each other rather than closing our doors at the end of the day – an Englishman’s house is his castle – actually (metaphorically) keeping our bridges down and our doors open to one another
And like the elephants, their leader is normally the oldest in the pack. They live up to 60/70 years and they pass on their wisdom – we can glean wisdom from those who have been here before
Socrates 400BC Greek Philosopher “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”
“He is richest who is content with the least, for contentment is the wealth of nature.”
Plato: 400BC “The greatest wealth is to live content with little.”
SENECA “True happiness is… to enjoy the present without anxious dependence on the future.”
I heard something this week, a quote from the wonderful Wayne Dyer who I was very lucky to work with on a number of occasions whilst he was still alive. I always loved his wisdom as it was so simple, outside of religious constraints and beyond ancient scripts, he just made a lot of sense to me. One of the things I remember him saying was that when you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice, and when you squeeze a lime, you get lime juice ….and when we are squeezed by the inevitabilities of life, what is on the inside is what oozes out from us.
We have heard that hard times bring out the best and the worst in us ….we have seen both haven’t we?
We are not just body and mind, we are body, mind and soul/spirit, depending on which you choose to call it. It’s easy to focus on the body first, it’s what we see. We understand about physical health, physical surroundings and physical environment that affects how we feel. We are slowly getting our heads around mental health, as the pressure of life has become more intense over the years with the onset of working 24/7 and technology, we’ve begun to realise the importance of maintaining our health at that level too.
Then there’s the other bit, the bit we don’t tend to like to talk about as much because it can then tip into the territory of religion and let’s face it, not everyone has had positive experiences there – however, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t another part of us, there’s this spiritual side that also warrants care and I definitely think that is something we have all become more in touch with during this pandemic – if only just by going for more walks and slowing down a bit, we’ve allowed ourselves to discover this deeper connection with what I call our spirit self, not our physical body, not our mind, something deeper that connects with something bigger – when we slow down and uncomplicate our lives, we find we are able to get in touch with that other part of us that so often gets neglected.
The Year of less – how I stopped shopping, gave away my belongings and discovered life is worth more than anything you can buy in a store – by Cait Flanders
12 months – only bought groceries, toiletries and petrol – alng the way she challenged herself to consume less of many other things besides shopping, she decluttered her home, got rid of 70% of her belongings, learned how to fix things rather than throw them away, researched the zero waste movement and even completed a television ban – at every stage she learned that the less she consumed, the more fulfilled she felt.
I think we have all touched on this over the last 100 days – but the question is, what lessons have we learned and what are we prepared to continue to work on?
Enjoy x
Links
Elizabeth Gilbert BIG MAGIC
Cait Flanders THE YEAR OF LESS
And as always, come and find me and stay in touch, either via my website or by searching for Pipa Gordon on Social Media
Back next Thursday!
Being single, childless, navigating online dating, face yoga, threesomes, fear of another recession, losing parents and dealing with grief alone – we go everywhere and believe it or not, manage to laugh our way through a chunk of it!
So This episode comes off the back of one of your suggestions earlier in the year about living an alternative life, not getting married or having children – so I invited an old friend and colleague of mine, journalist Bibi Lynch on as she regularly writes about this in magazines and newspapers ….
We actually cover a huge amount of ground, she talks about how the recession in 2008 wrecked her life, the early loss of parents, how she’s not had the chance to have children, she's had abusive neighbours, a real 10 year slog …and then the pandemic hits and how you deal with all these things when you’re on your own – we talk a lot about being single and how society still doesn’t make space for the 25% of women who will never have children, we talk about online dating, face yoga, we talk about the concerns of what life is going to look on the other side of all this and we somehow find ourselves talking about sex and threesomes too …
Journalist Bibi Lynch has been called one of the funniest women on twitter, she’s often controversial and never fails to make you think. We first met when working together at BBC London Radio just over 10 years ago, she currently hosts 2 radio shows, one for Soho Radio and the other for BBC Sussex, she also hosts a podcast called Good Sex Bad Sex, she writes for the likes of The Telegraph, The Guardian and Stella, over the years has been columnist to various magazines such as Marie Claire and Elle, she’s co-wrote various TV shows, hosts monthly panels at The Groucho Club – she’s unstoppable!
The importance of being kind to each other isn’t just a notion, it’s a necessity – we don’t know what is going on in each other’s lives, we don’t know what wounds are being carried or battles are being played out
I think we’ve seen with the “black lives matter” movement, even with “me too” a couple of years ago, that it’s easy to turn and look the other way when we feel uncomfortable or that we don’t understand but I really hope that we are learning that when we do that, we increase the pain being suffered and if we can be brave enough to allow one another’s pain to come into the light, it might just get the chance to heal so that they can move on
One of the things that I really hope for our new normal, is that we begin to make way for each other more, where we become better at listening, where we become more open to hear and slower to judge.
Links:
Bibi’s website
Bibi on Twitter and Instagram: @bibilynch
Join the Inside My Wardrobe Facebook group page
Come and find me on social media or via my website
Finding ourselves, properly discovering who we are, deep beneath the surface is the very beginning of an awakening to life so much fuller than we may have ever imagined. In fact I imagine this will be one of those episodes that we revisit and listen to again and again as it’s a treasure trove of much wisdom.
To hear more from Natalie, to try her meditations or classes, you can visit www.thecreateseries.com or you can listen to her podcast called Let’s Play
In a nutshell, we hear a LOT of thought provoking things in this episode, we talk about the impact of life before lockdown and why we often felt so empty and unfulfilled and how if we are willing to, we can learn to expand into ourselves so that we can feel more deeply, listen to and connect with our instincts and that inner voice more regularly, Natalie talks about how to truly find ourselves so that we can BE ourselves, there’s so much in here that I know you’ll love!
Natalie Roy is a Canadian actress and brings such a rich conversation to this episode. I invited her on last year after hearing her speak on our emotional anatomy and instantly knew she was someone we would enjoy hearing more from. We had talked about doing something around last Christmas but it didn’t pan out which looking back, I’m really glad about as I think the timing is so much better now as I think we are all that much more open to discover or at least consider that deeper connection within ourselves with the hopes of finding peace from within, because calming the storm on the inside is surely the only way to survive the storm on the outside – and boy does it feel like we are in the midst of one at the moment!
So Natalie is an actress who lives in New York, you might recognise her from Law and Order, The Affair or Finding Erica, she’s an author, a fellow podcaster and most importantly is someone who embraces all aspects of what it means to be human – she’s a teacher of yoga and meditation and has some fantastic insight into what it means to be human, we cover a lot of ground from the spiritual to the practical, to how to go about creating our new normal to be one that serves us well, understanding why we meditate and that 3 minutes really is enough, we touch on the quantum realm, holding loss and fear at the same time as growth and opportunity – there is so much ahead and I really hope that you enjoy listening.
If you’d like to check out some of those meditations or courses that Natalie spoke about, go to www.thecreateseries.com and don't forget the podcast Let’s Play
I think a great take away from this is being curious about the evidence we are collecting and I’d love to hear how that impacts how you feel going forwards so please do reach out to Natalie and also do continue with conversations on our Facebook Group page. My website is here or you can find me on social media by searching for Pipa Gordon.
Thank you for listening
The world feels as though it has been turned upside down and shaken to its core and with everything tumbling around at our feet how do we move forwards? When everything seems as if it can never be the same again, how do we do our part in creating a change? Climbing out of a hole involves hard work and determination and by taking one step at a time, we will get there.
We take wisdom from the cupboard under the kitchen sink, being lost in Paris, Anthony Robins, Dory, Elizabeth Gilbert, a tapestry, knitting, ladders and even the Incredible Hulk in order to discuss further so that post pandemic, we embark upon a period of curiosity and change that allows us to be more understanding and connected to our humanity and nature so that this world can become a better place for us all.
Quotes during the episode:
- Elizabeth Gilbert “I will not punish myself for the process”
- Anthony Robbins on taking control of the shoulding thoughts “I will decide”
- Dory “Just keep swimming”
This is the link to our Facebook group page or if you want to get in touch with me, just search Pipa Gordon or head to my website
With all the events going on across the world at the moment following the murder of George Floyd, I realised how little comprehension I have had of racism in Britain and so wanted to have an open discussion on the podcast to hear more. There is no denying that this is an absolute atrocity that continues to play out under our noses and I have felt deeply challenged for not taking it more seriously and for not realising the impact it has been having on those I love.
For this episode, I invited my good friend, Ayozie Pollendine and her 2 daughters, Daniella 18 and Kezia 16 to talk with me. Ayozie moved from Nigeria to Britain when she was 15 and until then, had never experienced racism, or not being seen as normal. Hearing Ayozie’s experiences in the UK shocked me, I had no idea of my white privilege until now.
Racism, both conscious and unconscious is going on everywhere. It’s not enough to say be kind, we need to do better at talking about it, at looking under the surface and at educating ourselves. I will never again hold racism at arm’s length. It is relevant to us all, we are responsible together to create change.
“I’ve never seen in all my time in this country, a willingness to address this head on. Such a great number of people are engaging with this issue and willing to speak up and willing to say “I don’t know everything I should know, but I want to know” and it gives me so much hope. I reay do feel that there is something happening, yes for a while it might be ugly – you know when a wound is open and its been there a long time, it is ugly, it’s messy, it’s not tidy, it doesn’t look nice, it doesn’t smell nice, but for that wound to be cleaned out, and to be out in the open so it can heal, takes time. I definitely feel hopeful and I do feel like there is an opportunity for change” AP
"When you look at the way racism is ingrained in institutions, you realise that it is just as much an ugly problem here as it is in the States. It might look different, but it's the same." AP
Suggested books:
How to be an Anti-racist - Ibram X.Kendi
So you want to talk about race - Ijeoma Oluo
Don’t Touch My Hair - Emma Dabiri
Notes of a Native Son - James Baldwin
Dark Days - James Baldwin
Africa’s Tarnished Name - Chinua Achebe
Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Renni Eddo-Lodge
Americanah - Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie
Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe
Other Links:
Ayozie’s website
Etsy shop
Kezia’s soundcloud
Please do come and join us on our Facebook group page and all other links are on my website.
Thank you for listening 😊
Self-care and self-work are two very different things, does the latter fall into indulgence though or is it an invaluable part of our journeys to emotional and mental health? Addictions therapist Mandy Saligari says “your ability to be comfortable in your own skin is fundamental as to whether you might need to self-medicate later” and you will be surprised to hear, self-medication is not just drugs and alcohol!
Following on from last week, episode 062 with Angie Fadel, we talked about shoulding, and how often we find ourselves feeling guilty because we think that we SHOULD be doing something that we aren’t. Our THOUGHTS have huge power over the way we feel and that’s what I wanted to touch on in this episode as a therapist friend of mine said only a couple of weeks ago “feelings are always generated by thoughts”. So whilst our feelings are important to feel, if our thoughts are mismatched with reality, we will find ourselves on these feeling journeys based in unreality.
So if our thoughts generate our feelings, what if the way we think is wrong? I refer often to episode 9 – rewriting the script and beyond. Just because we think something, doesn’t make it right and so reading, exploring and even talking with a professional who is versed in how we formulate our thought patterns and emotions, becomes a helpful tool for us to get there perhaps a little quicker than just under our own devices – wouldn’t you love to have known what you know now, 20 years ago?
I had a conversation recently with someone who said they felt like self-work was naval gazing and that it didn’t really serve much of a purpose and isn’t it better to just get on with things, so I thought it would be great to explore this a little further because as Angie said last week, self-searching or self-work happens in many ways and over a period of time:
Podcasts / Books / Counsellor/Therapist visits /Ted talks / Coaching – we often think that these options are the last resort in the UK, there is still such a stigma attached to the concept however counsellors and therapists, even the good coaches out there, are trained to recognise patterns of behaviour and challenge existing thought patterns in an environment that is safe, positive and helpful in a way that we may never achieve by just reading books or listening to a podcast because they are able to hear exactly how you are thinking. We hear and read through our existing filters and lenses so having a 3rd party involved can fast forward the process by years.
In this episode we hear from addictions therapist Mandy Saligari. She runs a clinic on London’s Harley Street called Charter, is a regular on national TV and radio and a real authority on this - see her Ted Talk. We did this interview earlier in the year for the parenting podcast as part of a series on emotional development and how it effects mental health. In this conversation with Mandy, we hear about the damage that comes from hiding behind feelings, how we internalise negative life experiences and how until we bring these things to the surface and work them through, we adopt coping mechanisms and even self-medicating habits which then in turn inform us and shape our thought processes. She says “your ability to be comfortable in your own skin is fundamental as to whether you might need to self-medicate later” – and you will be surprised to hear, self-medication, addiction, is not just drugs and alcohol…..
We can spend a fortune on getting our hair done or buying good skincare and nice make up but the investment in this, at a much deeper level, is something I have found to be priceless so I hope you enjoy.
Links:
Mandy Saligari's Ted Talk "Feelings, Handle Them Before They Handle You"
Mandy's Website - Charter Harley Street
The Parenting Podcast on Apple Podcasts
How many times have you said "I should have ...." today? Laced with guilt and expectations often from an unknown source, we regularly put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to live according to someone else's expectation, but why?
I was watching Avengers Assemble the other day and Thor's mum delivers this profound line: "Everyone fails at who they should be, the measure of a person is whether they succeed at being who they ARE"
So in this episode we talk about emotional intelligence, boundaries, acknowledging and giving language to our emotions, recognising our needs, knowing our limits, lessons learned from lockdown and most importantly, tools to help us peel back the layers of life that we have built up over the years that hold us back from fully engaging with who we are for fear of rejection, further pain or just getting something wrong - HOW TO RID OURSELVES OF THE SHOULDS!
My guest Angie Fadel is based in Portland Oregon, runs meditative archery workshops, does a lot of work with people around managing trauma and emotions, works closely with the LGBTQ community and her podcast is called Soul Care with Angie Fadel, you can find out more by accessing her website (she's the one in the cool swirly earrings!)
At one stage I refer to the episode we did last year talking about the script that is formed in our minds during our formative years, if you wanted to listen, it is episode 9 called "Unashamed" and is still one of the most listened to episodes that I have recorded.
The other episode we referred to called "Smile When Naked" was number 25 so just scroll through to find those if you want to take a listen.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this one, if you cast your mind back to last week, we talked about the skimming stones and how the speed at which they skim across the water, prevents them from going down into the depths of what is below – in the same vein, when we charge through life at a pace, we miss out not only on the depths of the good stuff but also on exploring some of the not so good stuff that lurks down there that we continue to push down and pretend isn’t there. The more we pretend, the less we are able to be our ourselves or as Brene Brown says, you can’t selectively numb your emotions, if you numb one, you’re numbing them all.
So in this episode we talk about emotions, the importance of grieving our pasts rather than just shoving the memories and feelings away, the value in taking the reins so we can write our own futures, and perhaps most importantly, we talk about shoulding – the dreaded “I should” that we so often battle with for one reason or another, I should have said …. Or I should have done …. Or I should go to …… Or I should say yes to ….should start my own business, should have a degree etc etc etc
As always please do come and find me on my website and please do join in with the facebook group page "Inside My Wardrobe"
What do you do when you get back from work just after midnight and find that you can’t get in because the doors are locked with keys still in the locks? You think a lot whilst trying to keep warm, not lose your cool and make the most of a night spent under the stars!
So what ended up being a whole night on the driveway whilst watching the stars and the sun rise, I got a glimpse into the monastic routine of rising at 3am, enjoyed memories of Zanzibar and the Indian Ocean and pondered further on connection with life beyond language and logic, outside the machine we live in and acknowledging the importance of hanging on to the peace we have found!
This week, we talk all about business! It is being said that because of the corona lockdown, 1:5 businesses will never open their doors again so there is a LOT of change ahead, but that also means there is a lot of opportunity in store for those interested in starting up their own company and pursing passions and ideas that might have been hanging around for a while.
We bounce around all over the place, from knowing when to follow your instincts, spot opportunities and the importance of courage.
We talk about recognising your passions and the essence of who you are and knowing what you can bring to the table as those are the things that will keep you going when the going gets tough; the importance of hanging on, when to be ballsy and when to be careful; we discuss the timing around finding investment, how to find out if you’re cut out for running your own business, the importance of failure and the value of self belief.
We also cover why you should not let outward circumstances hold you back, and actually that you should never be put off by the state of the economy but instead, if you’ve done the appropriate research and if you’ve got a product with a demand, then go for it.
Alison Cork has inspired and encouraged many women over the years in their own personal journeys in business, she is an entrepreneur or business owner herself, a writer, founder of a national networking group supporting women in business, has a regular column in The Telegraph, has been the most successful female candidate running for the position of Mayor of London so far. Amongst all this, she is a wife and mother and contrary to lots of perceptions of women in business, is a lovely human being too – I hope you glean some good tips from this episode, I most certainly did!
Alison says “The current environment is encouraging people to think more creatively and we have to re-evaluate how we are going to survive, what is our value as a member of the workforce going forward, what have I got to offer and I think we are going to see a lot of people starting their own businesses”
If you want to contact Alison Cork and join in with Make It Your Business, please click here for the website
Also if you would like to reach out to me, all the links are here on my website
Stay well!
Well this one’s a bit of a from the heart episode if I’m honest. I don’t know about you but I feel like I’ve travelled a fair non-physical distance over these last few weeks that has taken me deeper, taught me lessons about myself and I’ve observed some fundamental truths of life. Here’s what I’ve learned through Captain Tom, yoga, and doing a jigsaw …..
Why do we wait for a disaster in order to show our true colours? What is love anyway? Universal laws v laws written by man, unconditional love, gloves made from ants, shinrin yoku, the Truman Show, the green and the blue - its amazing what fits into 30 mins!
I have found it so inspiring and uplifting to see the outpouring of love during this time of lockdown because of the Corona virus and I really hope that this love continues to infect and effect us so much deeper than any virus ever could, because we are seeing it pouring out everywhere and its GOOD!
Elle magazine wrote an article earlier this week called “12 individual acts of kindness proving love and humanity will win over the coronavirus” and they talked about moving our focus from scaremongering to caremongering so in this episode we are going to celebrate and talk about, LOVE.
Tonight, Comic Relief and BBC Children in Need are coming together for THE BIG NIGHT IN and the Comic Relief Tshirts are drawn by artist Charlie Mackesy with the simple caption saying LOVE WINS Amidst all the catastrophic effects that this virus is having across the globe, the devastation that it is causing to families, to friends and loved ones, to communities, businesses, and economies across the board, we are seeing something else pushing through ….. acts of love and kindness that otherwise would probably never have occurred.
From people reaching out to their neighbours and communities for the first time, conversations from the other side of the road, shopping for one another, kids leaving parcels of cookies on doorsteps, writing letters and sending notes, the grandson moving in with grandmother with Alzheimers, companies donating skills, materials and anything they have; hotels giving rooms to NHS staff, businesses changing the way they do what they do in order to support and give – through to the more public stories of Captain Tom (£28million) and Kia/Ken 17 year old carer Kia gave one of her patients, 94 year old Ken, a cushion with his wife’s picture on it …you don’t have to go far to hear any number of these stories of kindness and compassion which way outbalance the frantic fights for loo rolls we all saw just a few weeks ago.
The truth is, in the words of Wet Wet Wet "Love is all around us" …we are seeing it, there is no denying it
WHAT IS LOVE? When push comes to shove, we know, at least rhetorically that love is all that matters, it’s almost so familiar to us that we don’t hear it, it’s a word that we use all the time, I love coffee, I love holidays, I love Christmas, I love my dog – but what does love mean – what actually is it?
Google says Love is a complex set of emotions, behaviours, and beliefs associated with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for another person
Oxford dictionary says Senses relating to affection and attachment - A feeling or disposition of deep affection or fondness for someone, typically arising from a recognition of attractive qualities, from natural affinity, or from sympathy and manifesting itself in concern for the other's welfare and pleasure in his or her presence. Also, a feeling or disposition of benevolent attachment experienced towards a group or category of people, and (by extension) towards one's country or another impersonal object of affection – did that tell you anything?
If we look to the music industry, artists who are the orators of love and emotion:
- John Lennon – all you need is love
- Frozen – Love is an open door
- Wet wet wet – love is all around us, it’s everywhere we go
- Pat Benatar – love is a battlefield
- McFly – love is easy
- Adele sings about feeling at home or feeling whole
It’s like how the internet connects us all in the 21st century, we can reach out and connect with anyone anywhere – love is a web that has connected us since the very beginning, to each other, to nature, to peace, to life. Wherever we are in life, no matter our age, our background, our situation or our position – there is one thread that joins us all together and that is LOVE
So, why does it take something like this in order for us ALL to step up.
Rebecca Solnit studied spontaneous responses to some of the world’s worst natural and man-made disasters for her book A Paradise Built In Hell and writes “the history of disaster, demonstrates that most of us are social animals, hungry for connection, as well as for purpose and meaning”. And that a truly dire situation, as tragic as it is “drags us into emergencies that require we act, and act altruistically, bravely and with initiative in order to survive or save our neighbours, no matter how we vote or what we do for a living”
So we come back to the question, what is love? Is it just a feeling or is it something more powerful?
The School of Life wrote an article called The Definition of Love and in it they suggest that it manifests itself through charity, imagination, kindness, forgiveness, loyalty, generosity and patience
- So the supermarket worker who shows up to work even though they could be furloughed despite still getting coughed on and customers walking too close to them as if social distancing doesn’t count for them as they work there
- The taxi driver who is now delivering milk for free to those who are self isolating
- The carers who are giving every minute of their time to keep their patients feeling ok about life even though they can’t have visitors, teaching them how to use Zoom and facetime
- The technology companies who are making ventilators and the local seamstresses who are sewing gowns for the NHS
- The award winning film maker who is cleaning at his local hospital
Those are all expressions of love aren’t they? So if love is indeed all around us – does that mean gooey cuddly feelings or does that mean that like the air we breathe, love is around us to give us purpose, passion, energy and a reason to be? Does the existence of love give us opportunities to go beyond ourselves? If we look at love as being the substance behind who we are, the thing that gives us life and energy as opposed to something we feel, can we then connect with something deeper? Something bigger than ourselves? And the things we want from life? Does that help us rise above all the hurdles we are facing right now as we desperately cling on to a sense of normality?
In my experience, when we lean on what we are familiar with and get our sense of security from what is around us, as soon as change comes along, we fall apart because what we were leaning on was never permanent in the first place - It’s like that wonderful scene in Only Fools and Horses when David Jason’s character Dell has been leaning on section at the end of the bar and then it gets flipped up and he leans back and falls straight to the floor – let’s not lean on the end of the bar!
If we have inner strength, that comes from a permanent source, ie love, we become as strong as Aslan the lion! It’s like being a parent, the whole focus of parenting is to bring your children up so that they can stand on their own 2 feet. Now how we go about that is all very different, across the world there are many different coming o…f age celebrations and rituals age 11-20 where the child proves they are able to survive.
I watched a documentary last year which showed how young boys from a tribe in the Brazilian Amazon, mark their coming of age when they turn 13 in a Bullet and Ant Initiation. They are sent out into the jungle to search for bullet ants which are then sedated by a leader who submerges them in an herbal solution. The ants are then weaved into gloves with the stingers pointed inwards. The ants are said to have the most painful of all insect stings, and so when they wake up, super angry, they don’t sting just once, when one ant stings, it releases chemicals that signal other ants in the vicinity to sting repeatedly and so the excruciatingly painful initiation begins. Each boy has to wear the gloves for ten minutes.
Enduring the pain demonstrates the boys’ readiness for manhood -- so few cry out as doing so would demonstrate weakness. Each boy will eventually wear the gloves 20 times over the span of several months before the initiation is complete.
Now I’m not suggesting that we all inflict pain on ourselves in this way, however, if we pin our survival on something transient, temporary or transitory, we put ourselves in a position of weakness. We talked in episode 54 about finding your inner strength and resilience with Cathy Madavan ….this is how we survive. By drawing strength from and leaning on something that is permanent, never changing, life giving.
So in a world where everything changes and nothing stays the same, what is permanent?
Love – it’s the very fabric of everything. It gives, it expands, it grows. We know in psychology that green is the most soothing colour, it brings rest and relief whilst blue brings calm and peace – so the very existence of nature in most basic sense right now, is that it brings us peace – In Japan they have a practise called shinrin yoku which means forest bath and their practise is to take time every morning to walk in the forest, with the belief, and scientific evidence to back it up, that time with nature is good – so nature isn’t just there for the sake of it, it is giving out beyond itself, you could say, that is an expression of love. It’s not just a feeling, it’s action, it’s a noun AND a verb
And what’s even more fabulous about love, is that it’s infinite.– when Brian first came into the children’s lives and we started to negotiate the life of a step family, I could see the guilt the children battled with, eventually they learned that your heart grows the more you ask it to. The more you love, the greater your capacity becomes to love even more
It’s another universal law, like gravity – what goes up must come down, in the same way, the more we give, the more we get. Like the universe which has been expanding for millions of years - if we are able tap into the source, then we get to grow and expand with it, rather than shrivel up with resentment, fear and anger. There’s so much finger pointing at the moment and of course we will learn lessons and mistakes have been made, some intentional, many others not – but love is bigger. It provides space to give, to forgive and to move on into what will become our new normal. There is more to this than what we see right now, we just need to trust the process and the universal law of love – as I’ve been saying over the last few weeks, we aren’t the first ones to have trodden this path.
I think that the reason why we often feel unsatisfied with life is because our focus is on getting rather than giving. When actual fact, our need isn’t to get, our need is actually to give, to reach out beyond ourselves and to connect as we are seeing all around us right now.
So in that case, if it’s all about love, then ultimately, love wins …doesn’t it? We get there eventually. We realise, even in the midst of a pandemic that there is more to life than the Truman show that we were all existing in before this happened – did you ever see the Truman show? Brilliant movie starring Jim Carey if you’ve not seen it, it is a story about a man named Truman (Jim Carrey) who was born and raised in a movie set. This set is the size of a small town, and is enclosed by a large dome that, when looked upon from the ground, looks the same way our sky looks with changing weather patterns and a sun that rises and falls.
Truman’s whole existence is this movie set. In fact, it is all he has ever known. He was born and raised on set, and now goes to work, comes home to his wife and hangs out with his best friend drinking a few beers here and there. But he doesn’t realize his entire life is a stage and everyone – from his wife, best friend, co-workers, policemen, newspaper boy, etc are all actors, part of a production that is being broadcasted to the entire world 24/7. Truman is an unwitting experiment, manipulated by a large TV network and used for the world’s entertainment.
Fairly early on in the movie, the truth begins to eek its way out and he twigs that there is more “out there” and the story unfolds of his search for truth, for more, and the trials he encounters as he tries to escape are gripping, not only making it a fantastic move, but also a fascinating truth because I think it draws many parallels to our lives today – even though this was made over 20 years ago. We too have been institutionalised by our very own Truman shows, believing that it’s about owning a house, getting a degree, owning the latest technology, getting married.
In another great movie Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman’s character Red says I’m telling you these walls are funny, first you hate them. Then you get used to them. Enough time passes, it gets so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized." – and I wonder, have we sometimes been institutionalised by the systems around us, the ones that tell us that you need to earn a certain income, or climb the career ladder, or have children, or go abroad in order to have a holiday all those “things” that we work so hard to achieve, what actually matters?
Love matters. Its all that matters.
PRAYER = PEACE A couple of weeks ago I said a prayer on my IGTV and was amazed at the amount of people who got in touch with me saying how much peace it had brought them and that they used to go to church, or grew up with prayer perhaps at home or on a Sunday but that they had not continued with it in their life as church or religion hadn’t been such a good experience ….the very place that is meant to be the model of love has often been the complete opposite and feels like a place of judgement and criticism. …and so because of that, we ditch that source of peace that we once might have really benefitted from.
MAN MADE RELIGION This makes me so sad – I’ve had a love hate relationship with the institution of church my entire life, however I think it’s really important that we separate the human intervention here. We created church, we created religions that have rules and boundaries, conditions and laws ….I have long believed that the worst ambassadors for love are so often the ones that proclaim it from a pulpit. We hear about horrendous child abuse taking place at the hands of religious leaders who are meant to be the very ones to provide safety and security – the absence of love is evident …and then we throw away the very source of where it all began because of human behaviour
Love is part of who we are, its more than who we are, it’s when you move beyond yourself. Before religions and temples and churches came along and took ownership of these things, there was already love, giving, growing, hovering and protecting.
And maybe if we can look beyond the mistakes and misgivings of human nature, we can embrace our humanity, our spirit or God-given humanity which is to love, to allow love first in all we do
“but first love” has become my mantra over the years - I don’t actually think I’ve ever shared with you – I mentioned it on the Feed Your Fabulous podcast a few months back – for me that’s where all begins and is about – when we allow love to permeate through all we do, we find purpose and passion but more importantly right now, we also find strength that sees us through the storms, challenges and inevitable losses in life…. Because we know that there is more than this.
So my hope and prayer for all of us is that love continues to infect and effect us and that you find peace.
LOVE WINS - by the way, click the link for the book by the same title, it's by Rob Bell is absolutely fantastic!
Have a good week, I’ll talk to you next time and if you want to reach out, all my links are on my website pipagordon.co.uk
This week we threw open the floor to everyone on the Facebook group page to talk about how we are all doing at this stage of the Corona lockdown and with lots of struggles alongside lots of wins, there’s a real mixed bag of emotions and experiences afoot so join my daughter and I as we navigate our way through cabin fever, anxiety, less laundry and more …..
A marathon runner trains for the long race both physically and mentally and when we are in the midst of the marathons that life throws our way, such as the corona virus lockdown, there are some tools that help. So like a long distance athlete, we can find ways to keep going, with a sense of hope, peace and belief in a world that heals.
I think we are at that stage where for many, its beginning to hurt. We’ve all put our best foot forwards and embraced this newness but the feeling of weariness is beginning to set in. How do keep going and hold on?
- There are thousands of key workers keeping the country going, daily putting their own health and the subsequent health of their families on the line
- There are families stuck at home within the same 4 walls who no doubt at times the patience with each other is running thin
- There are those who live on their own who really are done now with peace and quiet, even though Zoom, facetime and skype have all been a tremendous support
I could go on – the reality is, whatever stage of life we are at, however this has effected us and will continue to effect us going forwards, as I mentioned last week, the not knowing can be exhausting, IS exhausting
Lots of people are watching more TV, ploughing through box sets and reading books but even those eventually become tiresome ….so then what …
There are many tales we can draw on – I’ve a few friends who run marathons and so did a bit of research on how they cope with the boredom, the exhaustion, the pain, the fear of not making it and have found some really great tips that can help us as we pace ourselves through any period of difficulty, especially right now as so many are in isolation
- Get your language right – safe at home, not stuck at home or I hope I don’t get ill – I’m glad I am well, this is hideous / this is an opportunity for something new
- Visualise good things – when we imagine something, we fire up the same neurons in our brain as when we are actually experiencing it – so close your eyes and go somewhere different – relive a party, remember a holiday or an adventure, revisit some of your favourite memories – your body will enjoy it!
- Find your routine – the body functions best with routine and pattern. I talked about the circadian rhythm a few months ago and how the body has patterns for feeding and sleeping, hormone production, cell regeneration and loads of things that help it function well – having a physical routine in place helps us function so try not to fall into the trap of not having to get up for the school run or going to work, but instead, get up anyway – do something with that extra time that you might have spent in the car or elsewhere
- Set small goals – not anything crazy but small things that help you feel that the day hasn’t been wasted – clean the bathroom, sort a cupboard, do some exercise – if we feel we have achieved something with our time, we feel good
- Embrace the process, not the outcome – winners don’t think about winning, they think about putting in a winning performance – so winning this for you will look different for me and so forth –
- Find a way to block the bad thoughts – there are times when diversion is an excellent life skill! I find music and dancing ALWAYS lifts the mood, it might be painting, or cooking, cleaning or gardening – having a project that you see growing – maybe changing a room around, sorting the loft or the garage …
- Look up and look around – get off the screens!!!
- Smile – when we are happy, we have more energy, the synapses in our brain fire better when we feel good, our bodies function better
And during those days when you feel that this is going on for ever, remember
Terry Waite was in captivity in Beirut for 5 years in the 80s, and spent 1,736 days in solitary confinement, often blindfolded, not seeing a single soul – sometimes under ground, sometimes in bombed out buildings which his captors blocked all the light, chained up to the wall for most of the 5 years, for the first nearly 4 years no books or papers or communication with the outside world, basic bread or rice and beans to eat ..
Aung San Suki – under house arrest for 15 years
Nelson Mandela was kept in isolation for 27 years, no family, no luxuries – held on to hope and vision
These people all not only survived their isolation, but rose to become leaders, voices of authority and right now, their stories all show us a common thread. They kept going by holding on to hope and vision
Interview with Terry Waite – decided that looking after his inner health would help protect his physical health….
- Coming to terms with the fear, worry and anger by trying to live for now, trying to make the moment as full as possible …. He did that by mentally adjusting to the situation, with nothing, he began to write in his head, ….things have a habit of turning out ok and for the majority of us it will be fine, but we need to find the capacity to accept it as it is
- One day at a time – taking the positives – we are SAFE at home, not STUCK at home
- Keep your dignity, take pride in your appearance – mentally it helps …he used to fold his trousers
- Form a structure for the day …we are surrounded by books, papers, have access to the internet and so can use the time creatively
Ultimately, and most importantly, I that holding on to hope is the most powerful and over arching thing we can do to keep us going – whatever it is that you are hoping for, all these other things that we have talked about will give you the strength to keep holding on, keep going and keeping hoping – we can and we will get through this because we, as humans, have been through it before and will no doubt go through it again.
1k million lives were lost through TB
Smallpox 300 million 1900-1980
Measles 200 million lives in the last 150 years
Spanish flu took between 50-100 million 1918-1920
…war, natural disasters and so on
So we know this is part of the human experience, and we know that the other part of that experience is coming out the other side – as we talked about last week in episode 55
So for me, also embracing the fact that there is more to life than what we physically see, also gives me hope, also gives me peace and helps me feel joy – episode 39 joy
Brene Brown says “gratitude will enhance your ability to enjoy life and experience joy without fear” and right now we all have so much to be thankful for -thankful for our health so that we can love and give to others, thankful for all the care staff, doctors and nurses who are looking after those who need medical help, thankful for all the key workers who keep the country going as best as they can, keeping provisions available for us and looking after those who are more vulnerable ….on a more personal level we can be thankful for our homes, our books, our loved ones, our friends, our future, our past, and our moment right now …
You know my story, I come from a horribly abusive and neglectful background, I went into care for a time and was pretty broken for a long time. I had experienced a LOT of pain and loss over the years but it’s in that loss, in that darkness, you realise that it’s not all about you, somewhere along the line, we twig that there is more than what we see with our physical eyes and I think once we start to go deeper into that thought process, deeper into the belief that there is so much more than just us and our experience, that we start to have the ability to look further, to feel deeper and to hope for longer.
I prayed on my igtv earlier this week, it’s not something I tend to do on social media, I’m more used to praying myself or if its public, then in church but I really felt that it was the right thing to do. My peace in the fact that there is more to life, and that there is purpose to be found in every situation, comes from my faith and I wanted to share that and I’ve had so many responses off the back of it from people who felt that peace too - what a gift!
This obsession with self and achievement is skin deep, it serves very little greater purpose and so to try to grasp the bigger picture and lean into the fact that there is more, there is a higher purpose and an unconditional love that stretches way beyond the mistakes we make, our imperfections and our darker moments is what gives me hope. By believing in a greater essence that allows us to fully know and feel a life of love and connection.
So at this time when we might be feeling as though our wings have been clipped, we lean in to hope and we lean in to love – and also perhaps loving ourselves – maybe you’ve been so busy over the last few years that you’ve not looked after yourself properly? Maybe during this time of learning how to really live in the moment, its your chance to make friends with yourself again because actually, loving yourself is of utmost importance – not because Loreal says we are worth it or because you want an excuse for a new handbag, but because those around us, deserve the very best of what we have to give. We take care of ourselves so that we are able to take care of others. We put them first by putting ourselves first – its not linear, its love, true love in action
I’m not sure that life was ever given to us to be ours, I think we are way more connected than that, that life isn’t mine to own, instead, it’s mine to give, as it’s been given to me. There is no greater joy than we find in giving ourselves through love, unconditional, unscripted, unashamed, undivided and whole hearted love.
So when things get hard, when pain sears through your heart, when fear courses through your veins or sadness weighs so heavily that you can’t stand, hold on to the hope and belief that this is not all there is ….
Lily posted a quote from Harry Potter today – Albus Dumbledore “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”
In many ways, darkness could be considered as being the beginning. The beginning of a new day comes from darkness, the world coming into being came out of darkness, we’ve talked before about spring following winter ….and indeed with this time of the corona virus we too will come into the light …we just don’t know when that is + – when we look at figures such as Aung San Suki and Nelson Mandela, Terry Waite and others – we can do this, we can hold on to hope for a new day, a new era, a better society and a healthier planet.
So, may peace be with you, may joy lift you up, may you smile, sing and dance knowing that it will be ok again soon. …..and if you want to share your smiles and joy, which we all know are infections, please keep in touch, you can find all my social media links via my website
Well here we are heading toward the end of week 2 of our official lock down and it’s been really interesting to see our emotions come to the surface as the dust has begun to settle don’t you think?
Whilst the virus is in the air, there is also this weird sense of uncertainty, a kind of low hum of what next? We don’t know what to expect, we are all in the dark and this naturally causes this feeling of unease, of agitation, and of heightened emotion – I’ve had so many messages from you and read so many posts from others all saying the same thing, random tears, feeling fine one minute and then overwhelmed by an imposing sense of doom the next – it’s just a roller coaster and it’s a ride that we can’t get off - ….I remember years ago going to Chessington World of Adventures with our church youth group and I’ve never been one for heights and I was literally man handled on to the Vampire Ride, for the first few seconds I fought it, my fear rose to the surface but once I realised there was no going back, I embraced the fear, screamed my heart out and made it to the end. Giving birth is the same, once it starts, there’s no going back, you know its going to hurt and you can’t guarantee the result but there’s no pressing stop.
We keep seeing the words “in this together”, there’s been no greater equaliser in our lifetimes, a disaster that has pretty much effected everyone and I feel like whilst we have all spent our lives merrily discovering our individual senses of self, doing our own things, building our own futures, suddenly we have become realigned with this deep connection with one another, and this deep NEED for one another – don’t you think? …saying that, there is nothing equal about our situations, I can only imagine how claustrophic it is for someone without any outside space, or families cramped into small houses, multiple children sharing rooms or even beds – even worse when you look out beyond the UK and look at countries such as India and where people live in incredibly close proximity and the idea of washing your hands is completely foreign, the mind just doesn’t know where to go – so yes we have so much to be thankful for safely in our homes – but then saying that, I know having grown up in a violent family myself, there are people who are not safe at home either, they say domestic abuse is up by over 20% ….the situation is so much bigger than the virus and that feeling of being powerless, of just waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, the not knowing about jobs and businesses …I mean the financial implications are massive for many! The government have done a great job with the packages they have provided but at the same time, I know of plenty of people who have slipped through the net – its exhausting!
For me this is where looking back to history is helpful, there have been many many disasters over the years, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, and fires that have killed hundreds of thousands of people in a matter of days – that has brought entire villages, towns and cities to their knees, eradicated businesses and crashed economies ….and then it comes to an end, and they rebuild
This will pass, like TB, like Smallpox, like measles, all of which have taken billions of lives over the years, we will find a vaccine and we will eventually fight back – but in the meantime – what do we do?
I had to contact my daughter’s school this week as they are piling on the work, reminding everyone to be ready for virtual school at 8:55 as if they are still at school – and totally not addressing the fact that everyone’s lives are different right now – it virtually impossible for most to just keep on going doing the same thing as before when everything else around them is different – I have to say, personally I’m still working and leaving the house to commute and take provisions to my mum when she needs them so in many ways I don’t feel isolated – but my mind seems to be going at a different pace, it’s like the entire world has suddenly slowed down and I have to say I’m loving that, whilst I’m probably more busy than usual, and I know it’s the same for many parents who are now desperately trying to keep children stimulated and entertained whilst also working whilst also providing more meals than before and absolutely no peace anywhere – weirdly a bit like the eye in the storm, if we could lift all the pressure that says learn an instrument, pick up a new skill or suddenly become super fit, if we could find somewhere in our minds to stop and just be, in the midst of this new normal, I don’t know about you but I start to assess where we have come from!
There are lots of silver linings to be found in the midst of this if we are willing to find them – Cathy talked last week about the humming bird and the vulture – they both find what they are looking for, one looks for life and the other looks for death. ….
Suddenly we are forced to stop and acknowledge that perhaps there really is more to life, that through this re-connection with one another and the world around us, we really start to be aware of our deeper sense of self and spirituality. We have lived through the rise of the great “I”, the individual, that to be fair, has been going on probably for the last couple of centuries but in the process, it has slowly drawn as apart from each other and with the rise in technology and the ability to be socially connected in so many ways, the irony is that we have also become hugely disconnected at the fundamental levels and through this period of isolation, we are reconnecting.
I’ve noticed the last few times that I’ve gone out for a walk, as we give each other space, as we take the wide birth, we then make the effort to seek out eye contact, say hello and make that connection – which is in STARK contrast to our lives previous to all this where we had our heads down, were generally considered weird if we said hello and did all we could to avoid eye contact but really not bothered about stepping into someone’s space – IT’S ALL CHANGE isn’t it? For years it’s been that way since smart technology really began to take over, especially in towns and cities, it’s eyes down and keep yourself to yourself.
And we’ve been so obsessed with self for so long – I’m glad it’s being challenged, aren’t you? We have had control for such a long time, and influence over the outcome of our daily lives that we’ve fallen into this false sense of security that self is what counts - so of course suddenly when something comes along that we have zero control over, its going to feel as though the rug has been pulled from under our feet, of course we then struggle to stand, both individually and collectively. So if you’re feeling weird and wobbly right now please don’t think you are the only one!!
Do you remember the weebles back in the 70s? They had weights in the bottom of them and the phrase was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down” – those weights grounded them – suddenly all the superfluous bits of 21st century life have been cast aside and we are left with who we are and the thing that grounds us, whatever that might be, faith, love, trust, elements that have been revered for centuries but at the same time can be easily swept aside when “self” starts to take centre stage – suddenly we are becoming reconnected to those absolute basic human needs that psychologist Maslow set out all those years ago – I talked about it in an episode way back …..
I was listening to Rob Bell’s podcast last week and I loved how he worded the fact that amongst all this fear, worry, sadness, and loss, is an invitation to be found and the challenge that comes with embracing that invitation, to acknowledge the fact that we have been plastering over crack after crack after crack over the years, and we have been hurtling towards this breaking point for a very long time.
For how long have we been saying we feel like we’re on a machine that is just getting faster and faster, that technology is improving at such a pace that we just can’t keep up any longer? I know I’ve used the phrase multiple times over the years “stop the world, I want to get off” – well the world has stopped for us, not for us to get off, but so we can collectively take stock.
By embracing what’s landed right in the centre of all of our lives with this virus, we are offered the chance to change. You might remember last week I mentioned how I had been chatting with my daughter about school. For years she has asked to be homeschooled and this has really given her the opportunity to try it. Granted she’s a little older now in year 10 but still, we talked about how this is an opportunity to create life to function in a way that works for us, and not the other way around – we live in a bunch of systems, family is a system, the education system, governmental system – so many rules and boundary lines and whilst some of them are necessary, we can also take this time to create something new, rather than being too quick to leap into back the old system when the time comes.
In the midst of all the stress and grief and worry and fear that we are experiencing right now, there is also this gift hanging about offering to us the chance to really examine what matters, who matters, how we are spending each and every moment, what we are doing with our lives, where we are going and where we have been. Do we want it to continue in the same way?
Over the last few years I have managed to drop my phone down the toilet twice and after the initial shock of oh good Lord now what am I going to do, it has offered to me a blessed relief of disconnection and both times I found I was sad when the time came around to reconnect – not because I don’t love connection with the outside world, you know I do – but I am always aware of exactly that, being connected and stretching out far and wide …we all need to switch off and disconnect at times and this is why I have always guarded our family holidays with this ring around it that says no screens. I personally don’t find the speed of life manageable 24/7, I find it destructive and sometimes it feels like we are heading towards the edge of a cliff so I cannot help but feel that in the midst of this there is a chance to change pace, change focus, reassess our values, and take stock.
I wondered if it what is too soon to talk about this but this is where my head is right now and I don’t want to let this time slip by without making the most of it. We are finding that one school is setting way too much work and piling on the pressure to continue as if nothing has changed whereas the other school is completely opposite. EVERYTHING has changed and if we continue to just do the same thing, and not allow our emotions to raise up to the surface and our minds to rummage through our thought processes, no matter how absurd they all seem right now, we are just creating a whole new set of denial to push down – and in that case, we may as well just be robots – but I’m not up for that. I’m human, and in order to really have the full human experience, we need to connect at all levels – emotionally, spiritually and physically. I fear that if we don’t take this time to examine how we are doing life, once we’re out the other side we will just revert back to our old ways – that is unless we take the time now, to embrace what we’re feeling and really think about what it is that matters. I was going to talk about mental health this week but I’ll save it for another time as I think this is enough for now – but to be honest, I do not believe that the system that we have been living in has been helpful to our mental health, any of us, for a very long time. We talk about mental health now partly because we are more aware of it but partly also because we’re all struggling with it so much more in one way or another.
So the question is why are we all struggling with it? And is it a case of more therapy and more drugs or is it a case of a monumental change of the way we do life?
The other thing I have been acutely aware of this week is history – we can take great comfort from history as what we are experiencing in so many ways is not new…. This time will indeed pass and we can draw comfort from that knowledge. However also in revisiting various historical texts, we are also reminded that in ancient traditions, there was always the sabbath – something that we have pretty much managed to eradicate, there were breaks that were placed into the rhythm of life - we used to Rise with the Sun and go to bed with the sun - but now we just keep on going.
We aren’t built to live this way, so of course we’re all reaching breaking point but the question for me is “what next?”
And this is part of our process right now, it’s not about coming up with answers. I think this is more about starting to ask questions, having the time to explore, to rediscover, to reconnect, to reimagine, and when the time comes, we will then be ready to rebuild life in a way that we want it to be, in a way that works for us so that we are not serving life, but instead we are living it.
Half of the reason why we don’t feel fulfilled is because we have been on catch up for such a long time, never feeling like we’re ahead of the curve but always feeling like we are behind it, always trying to catch up with technology, always trying to catch up with the next best thing, Always demanding our right to have this and our right to go here, or our right to say how we feel about x y or z without necessarily considering or caring about the consequence, or the effect on the bigger picture.
The pursuit of happiness, knowing our rights, having ALL of our perceived needs met – holidays, technology, new cars, new trainers, designer handbags, the latest mascara, the flash watch, the list goes on – In new York, as of I think 2018, more people lived alone than not – what does that say about us? The system has raised us to be individuals who consume and this over inflated sense of self has pulled us all apart from each other when you could say that the very reason for humanity is for love and connection.
We keep saying written everywhere we are in this together, and maybe that is something that we can draw on, a sense of togetherness for the first time possibly in our entire lives that we have been aware of community, something bigger than ourselves, something more than consumption and what we own, what car we drive, what holiday we go on, what job we have. Suddenly we have the opportunity to be defined by more than what we do and what we have but more by who we are and how we connect, deeply, at heart and spirit level.
This virus has come and thrown a ball right in the middle of all the skittles that we have been carefully lining up for so many years, you know that feeling when you’re building a House of Cards and the dog rushes by and they all fall down. It’s like we’ve been building this House of Cards for such a long time and we thought it was perfect and orderly and exactly what we wanted ……and suddenly we see how fragile it is.
The question is do we start again and pick up where we left off or do we look to do it differently?
You know what I’ve observed over the last few years? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t say they were sent to social media at some stage or that they just want to be able to stop, or that they just wish that life would slow down. I don’t know anyone, there is not one single person I can think of that says I love life at this pace.
I don’t know about you but I do not want this time, and the lives that will be lost during this time to go to waste. We celebrate and commemorate on November 11 every single year the lives that have been lost for the sake of our freedom. I don’t want the lives that are lost during this virus to be wasted because in a way, it is through this that our planet is being given the chance to heal and we are being given a chance to change - We are in this together
So Let’s be in this together, let’s feel this together – allow ourselves to slow down enough to let those feelings come to the surface, no more numbing with a busy life, no diverting our attention elsewhere, no pushing down or denying, but actually allowing ourselves to feel what we feel and take the time to do that.
It is so good for our physical and mental health to actually acknowledge and feel our feelings rather than in true British style, bottling them up and storing them on the shelf
So whether it’s fear, frustration, cabin fever, anger, sadness, or whether hilarity and hysteria kicks in, whatever it might be, allow the roller coaster to take you where it goes
We need this time to learn how to feel again, to reconnect with our humanity, to stop behaving like robots and start behaving like living breathing human beings again
- We are in this together – let the house of cards fall, it wasn’t working anyway
We all respond differently at a time of crisis and this is where we really find out the stuff we are made of. As TS Elliot said, “If you aren’t in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?”
I am joined by author and speaker Cathy Madavan in this episode to talk about resilience and adaptability when life gets tough, the timing of her book Irrepressible couldn’t have been more perfect!
We talk about flexibility, the importance of connection, having courage and other ways to manage this Coronavirus lockdown.
Brene Brown says “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” And as a generation that has felt so in control for so many years, we have got away lightly with the need for courage – now really is the time for us to discover what matters, who we are and perhaps discover a whole new life through the process.
You can find more about Cathy Madavan on her website and you can order her book "Irrepressible - 12 Principles for a Courageous, Resillient and Fulfilling Life" here on Amazon
The other thing I mentioned was Psalms and Stretches, some really uplifting yoga style classes that you might like to check out.
Next week, I will bring to you 5 a day for your mental health but in the meantime, stay well, stay safe and please join in online. You can find all my links on my website and please do join in with our Facebook group page
Well what a week! So much has happened since 7 days ago when I last recorded!!
Yesterday I had some very sad news and one of the things that I found really hard was the reminder and awareness of distance from people. I shared my sadness on Instagram not because of wanting sympathy but because now more than ever, I think we need to embrace and acknowledge the entire spectrum of emotions and talk about how that looks. It’s important that we develop the ability to hold both positive and negative at the same time, if we can’t flex, we break.
We have taken so much for granted for so many years. The ability to have a comfortable life, shops filled with everything and anything, deliveries to our doors, flights around the world, weekends away, holidays, pleasures of all shapes and sizes; we’ve been building and enjoying a world that has been so self-centred and driven by desire and literally overnight it’s all change.
I know this is a difficult time, we have children uncertain of their futures, their routine has been thrown out of the window, financially we don’t know what the future holds – but there are things we can do, right now. This quote from The Fellowship of The Ring sums it up beautifully:
“I wish it need not have happened in my time” said Frodo “So do I” said Gandalf “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us”
So whilst we don’t know what life looks like ahead of today, we have today, and tomorrow will become today and we will have that too and for a time that is how we will live and in time we will start to see a new future taking shape and to be honest, I’m feeling optimistic about that. The future we were looking at was one that was being polluted by air travel, over consumption and poor lifestyle choices – so this pandemic, as devastating as it might be, ALSO gives us huge opportunity to change the entire way we have been doing things.
Only last month I saw a discussion on how to manage global warming and they said one of the fastest ways to turn things around would be to stop global travel but that no government would ever be able to convince people to stop getting on planes – and suddenly planes are being grounded. Yes, there are awful consequences to business and the economy but there are also potentially long term life saving consequences to what will pass in a matter of months.
This will be hard, but not impossible and if we all pull together, I think we will see a brighter future. Change is never comfortable, sudden change can be traumatic and so managing our response to this is really the make or break.
The panic buying that we have seen taking place has been really ugly, I get people are worried but this attitude of “self” first is not going to help anyone, it just makes everything worse and we really need to start looking beyond self.
So, talk talk talk – please join in on the Facebook group page, also please follow me on Instagram as I will do my best to put up something at least every day either on stories or an IGTV to share a bit of sunshine and positivity – it will get tough but it will also get better and we will be stronger because of it ….all my links are on my website ….
Abraham Lincoln – the best thing about the future, is that it comes one day at a time
Miles Davis – Time isn’t the main thing, it’s the only thing
War and Peace – the two most powerful warriors are patience and time
This is just a wee little catch up as the week has gone crazy with Coronavirus scuppering everyone's plans left right and centre so I'm flying by the seat of my pants here folks …..
How do you manage expectations or recover from disappointment and heartache? In some cases, severe disappointment can lead to depression so if we can set a life habit in place that enables us to manage these inevitabilites as they come, which they will, how much more resilient and prepared are we going to be when the big ones hit.
One of the requests for topics to address on the podcast has been how to bounce back and stay positive so over the last couple of weeks we have been looking at exactly that. Last week we talked with my friend Tanya Leary on who has just started Feed your Fabulous, a podcast talking with other women on how they take time out to do exactly that.
On top of finding things we enjoy to do is finding purpose. Success doesn't come overnight and its worth pointing out that success for one person looks entirely different to success for the next. On top of that success shouldn’t be muddled up with fulfilment. I often quote Professor Paul Dolan’s recipe for happiness. He says that happiness is the combination of pleasure and purpose over time.
So in this episode we are going to look at purpose, hence the title, what gets your goat?
I’m currently writing an article for a magazine on mental health and so I’ve been digging a little deeper into those habits and patterns we employ on a daily basis. Just this morning as my son left for school he said to me – so what are you doing today mum? He knows that my days always look different and anything could be happening but then when someone messaged me a bit later asking if I was working today, I was a bit stumped. Well, I’m not in London and I’m not being paid – but what I’m doing is important and has purpose, so no I’m not “working” but that doesn’t mean I’m twiddling my thumbs either.
I think sometimes we can get hung up on work v play and often purpose can get dropped in the middle somewhere. You could say that the luckiest people are those who get paid to do the thing that drives them hardest, that fuels their fire and makes them feel alive but not everyone gets to do that. But just because you might not get to do that as your paid thing doesn’t mean that it’s not out there for you to do.
So how do you know what your purpose is? How do you keep going when the going gets tough? How do you pick yourself back up again and start over ….I’m reading a fabulous book which was just published last week by Cathy Madavan called Irrepressible – 12 Steps for a Courageous, Resilient and Fulfiling Life and in it she reminds us of Sir James Dyson who ploughed through endless prototypes until he eventually created the famous cyclone vacuum cleaner, he is quoted to have said “success is made of 99% failure”, she reminds us of JK Rowling who wrote her first Harry Potter book sitting in a café because her flat was so bleak, living on benefits, pushing beyond all the rejection letters with no idea of the success ahead. Of Tiger Woods’ impressive comeback, of Monica Seles defeating her opponents after being stabbed courtside – all these people had every reason to give up, countless times – but what they had was stronger than reasons to give up, and it was a passion to keep going DESPITE the hurdles and mountains.
Nobody gets to get through life unscathed and the more we are ok with the fact that it’s the journey that counts, the less likely we are to stay down when we fall. You will fall, I will fall, we will all face obstacles that say “this road is closed” but that doesn’t mean we stop, it means we find another way. I guess what matters most is knowing what matters – what is it that gets you out of bed in the morning, what is it that gets your goat?
It might be that you love walking your dog, playing tennis or going to the gym – it’s easier to find the pleasures in life that might make us feel good – I love to ride my horse, I love to walk in the woods, play board games with the children, sit in the sunshine with a cold drink and ice cubes rattling around, drink coffee and watch the world go by - but lasting happiness and fulfilment comes from pleasure AND purpose.
So what is your purpose? Have you ever asked yourself what that is? I had this conversation with someone once who said they wouldn’t be so arrogant as to assume they had one – so if we don’t have a purpose, what is the point? Pablo Picasso said “the meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”
I was listening to Woman’s Hour podcast last night on my way back from London and they were discussing mercury retrograde with a couple of astrology experts and they touched on how we are becoming so much more open to life beyond the physical domain, astrology is having a bit of a comeback – not so much reading your stars in the paper, but the general understanding and concept that there is more out there that influences and effects who we are and the world around us.
When I was young, I had a poster in my room that said “What you are is God’s gift to you, what you become is your gift to God” – have you been to Hobbycraft lately? I love to paint sometimes ….that canvas comes to life in a whole new way. I have a piano which is an ornament until I play it. In the same way, we are a blank canvas ready to take shape, we are a vessel to create our own song – and our purpose is that song, is that picture and for some, that song will be sung world wide and for others it will be sung for a select few but that doesn’t make the purpose any more or less valuable.
We all count.
Cathy Madavan goes on to say in Irrespresible “a purpose filled life is far more than making yourself look good or just getting a job done. It’s connecting your desires, your talents and your strengths with a need or a cause that means you know you are genuinely making a difference in this world. That’s not to say that living out your irrespressible purpose won’t be hard work or that your circumstances will always be easy. It is rarely the case that you won’t need to persevere and not everybody in the world will queue up to affirm your efforts. A shame, really. But you will always find your courage when you know your calling In fact, when something really matters to you, you find your inner reserves, you dream audacious dreams, and you might even consciously make life uncomfortable for yourself in order to get to where you want to be"
I’ve been here a number of times over the years when I ask myself this question – what am I doing? Why am I doing it? And if I’m doing something that doesn’t line up with what truly matters, if I don’t change it, I will only feel worse about myself and life in general. A couple of years ago I questioned how I was using social media, what it’s purpose was in my life and came up with a plan in order to align it with what gets my goat.
So coming full circle – bouncing back and staying positive I guess I would ask you this ….where would we be if Marie Curie hadn’t been determined?
She was the youngest of 5 children in Poland, her mother died when she was young, her father couldn’t afford to support her but she found her way. She went on with Pierre her husband to make such phenomenal discoveries in the world of science despite being poo pooed by her piers and industry for a long time
They were awarded the Nobel prize and she went on to be awarded a second after he was killed on the streets, knocked down by a vehicle ….you’d think she would stop but she kept going – something got her goat! She didn’t bounce back and stay positive because all was well, she picked herself up, time and time again and chose to be positive because she believed in something bigger than her.
I think sometimes with the self help industry being as powerful as it is, we become so entrenched with looking inwards that we forget to look and reach out despite our failings. We aren’t supposed to be perfect, and we certainly aren’t born the finished product ….its in the falling down and the getting up that our stories are written. As Brene Brown says “if you own your story, you get to write the ending” so its about taking responsibility, which is really uncomfortable and often quite passe – we pass the buck, we have created a blame culture so that we blame everyone else but essentially, our lives are our own and we can either be a passenger on the bus, or we can take the wheel and choose the path, change the tyre when it blows and give the engine the maintenance it needs.
Please do rate, review and subscribe to the podcast if you enjoyed listening and you're more than welcome to join in with the conversation on our Facebook page called Inside My Wardrobe, please come along! Also, if you would like to get in touch, find me on social media or via my website - Pipa Gordon
In this episode we are joined by my friend Tanya Leary, co-host of Feed Your Fabulous and author of “Time For Bed Baby” a bed time book in 2 parts for both reading at bedtime to the child followed by a self care section for the parent.
We talk about how the sudden death of Tanya’s father when she was just 7 years old has impacted her life; how she copes with holding that sadness whilst also experiencing the joys of parenthood whilst at the same time, also keeping her head above water having suffered depression on and off throughout her adult life, so navigating self-care, prioritising and mental health.
You can click this link to buy Time For Bed Baby on Amazon
Or contact Tanya directly for a personalised copy, also if you want to listen to her podcast, it is called Feed Your Fabulous, available on Soundcloud
The health implications of loneliness are shocking and the greatest irony is that in a world so connected, we are feeling increasingly disconnected. It’s not about the quantity of friends we have, it’s all about the quality.
Last week I touched on this ever so briefly and I think it warrants a longer conversation so I wanted to dig under the surface a little bit more as this week there’s been a huge amount of activity everywhere trying to bring the subject of loneliness to the fore and discuss the whys and wherefores to it with the campaign to end loneliness
I have to say I was really challenged by the Ted talk that I told you about a couple of weeks ago, it was called “what makes a good life” by Robert Waldinger, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical school and one of the stand out things to me was that the quality of your relationships in your 50s has a direct impact on the quality of your life in your 70s and 80s – so with my 50s approaching the year after next, I’m not going to lie, I felt really challenged to look at the quality of my relationships, specifically my friendships
I remember a long long time ago reading an interview with Carol Vorderman, this was way more than 10 years ago now and she said that her 30s were really hard, raising families and struggling to build her career but that her 40s were great as her kids were older and her career was established so she was able to enjoy life more – and how she wished she knew it would pay off in her 30s – I remember reading it at the time thinking lucky for some, but fast forward 10/15 years and I think that ball has been kicked down the road as I know many many people in their 40s who are still struggling to find their feet when it comes to careers, getting on the property ladder and/or starting a family and feeling like they are free to enjoy life.
So what has happened in the last 10 years?
Social media – the irony is that the more connected we are, the less connected we have become
- Being busy has become a badge of honour, so much so that admitting that we might feel lonely has become even more taboo – like you have failed
- We put our jobs and everyone else first
- We don’t pop round for coffee anymore or sit on the phone for a chat – it’s all done by text, who doesn’t love a whatsapp group? But at the expense of eye contact? Body language? Being in the moment?
Now please don’t get me wrong, I love social media in so many ways but I have found myself pulling back on it a bit this year and making the effort to reconnect with “life on the ground” so to say
The trouble with immersing ourselves in the wonderful world of smart phones and technology that allows us to chat with anyone anywhere, is that we risk cutting ourselves off from some of our most basic human needs which happen right in front of our noses. So much research over the years has been done on the need for physical touch with babies and young children in particular as a link to their emotional and mental health - this doesn’t change drastically. We have this deep need for physical connection, eye contact, touch, sharing the same air and experiences together – not from behind a screen – we need our communities.
Take going shopping for example, cashiers are being replaced by machines, post offices are almost a thing of the past, local newsagents, nipping to the bank – so much has become automated so we need to make a conscious effort to replace those human interactions that used to be multiple times a day with other ones so we continue to meet our basic human needs, to connect, truly connect with one another.
Do you not think that the depth of our connection is often missing? We ask how someone is but we don’t really have the time to hear the answer so perhaps we even stop asking, I know I’ve been guity of that in the past.
The thing is, this self important race that we are running, is exactly that, it’s against ourselves and ultimately we are the ones who are missing out, if it’s not now, it will be at some stage because we all feel lonely at different stages.
We hear a LOT about the 1.2 million elderly people who are lonely, but it isn’t just them, your 20s and early 30s can be terribly lonely as you leave home, try to find your way in life, discover who you are, make mistakes, have your heart broken and live in your overdraft! City life can be as lonely as rural – in fact sometimes more so as in a city you can feel like you blend into the background whereas my experience of rural communities is that they often are better at rallying around – it’s different everywhere. Look at these statistics for how loneliness effects our physical health, it’s shocking!
- Loneliness, living alone and poor social connections are as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
- Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
- Lonely people are more likely to suffer from dementia, heart disease and depression. (Valtorta et al, 2016) (James et al, 2011) (Cacioppo et al, 2006)
- Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 29% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015)
So what do we do? About 18 months ago, the British Government created a loneliness strategy for England and it has been said that there is still not much change “on the ground” but to be fair, it’s not entirely their responsibility.
Yesterday, The Welsh government launched their loneliness strategy this week and the document opens with a quote from Robert Waldinger again, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier”
Their strategy essentially contains 5 main points
- Increasing opportunities for people to connect
- Create community infrastructures that support connected communities – friendship bench
- Cohesive and supportive communities – events, support groups, book groups, crafting, coffee mornings, drop ins,
- Building awareness and promoting positive attitudes
- Building for the future
According to a survey of 2,000 people in the UK, we fritter away 110 hours a year lamenting what might have been and 8/10 people believe their lives would be better if they had taken more risks so let’s learn from that. Did you read the list compiled by Macmillan nurses which showed the top 5 regrets of people at the end of their lives? If you’ve not heard them yet, here they are :
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
- I wish that I had let myself be happier
They have been circulated widely over the years and are as profound as they were when they were first written. There’s even a book about them now called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying book
So if you want to find out more about the campaign to end loneliness, visit the website
They also released this beautiful video which is very thought provoking …Be More Us campaign video
So let us be people who don’t leave it until it’s too late to understand the damage that loneliness does, until we are plagued by loneliness that has effected our minds and our bodies and also, let’s remember those who are suffering right now. If you’re struggling with loneliness right now, please ask for help – I know it can feel so burdensome but we all, shoe on the other foot, wouldn’t want to feel that way. Be honest, reach out, have the courage to express how you feel because you may discover that in reaching out, not only do you feel better, but you help someone else feel better too. Loneliness is a terribly hidden thing that we can all bring out into the light and combat together.
I read about Galentines day this morning – a take on Valentines day, reach out to your girlfriends, use #galentinesday as a reason to connect, truly connect with someone you love.
As always, do get in touch, I'd love to hear from you - more info on my website
It's been quite the hectic week so having literally just finished editing an interview with one of the most influential authors on family life, the fabulous Steve Biddulph, I'm reminded of the importance of balance! Setting goals is all very well but if we don't give ourselves the chance to rest and recover, we will burn out - I'm saying it to myself too!! So, here we go, hamster wheels, 2020 and sunshine!!
If you want to take a listen to any of the episodes on The Parenting Podcast, just click here
We need to look after our mental health as much as we do our physical health!!
Well due to having this horrid virus and not being able to record a podcast at all last week, I’ve had a good bit of time out and a few little revelations along the way which I thought I’d float by you in this week’s episode. Handily, just this morning I heard about a 75 year Harvard study on happiness which echoes exactly my thoughts – not that my thoughts are ground breaking of course!
We talk also about slowing time down, how hurry is the enemy of love and how perfectionism can be the enemy of life. If we want to manage our mental health and quality of life, we need to simplify, slow down and switch off a bit more.
We are all guilty of either over working or being over busy, over eating or over drinking, over cleaning, over obsessing, over thinking, over pleasing - the snowball effect causes us to feel out of control so pulling back, breathing and reconnecting with ourselves and each other, grounds us and brings us back to now, to living in the moment - not rocket science is it?
Here’s the link to Robert Waldinger’s talk on What Makes A Good Life
Also, if you’d like to hear more of the other work I’ve been doing on The Parenting Podcast, please subscribe to that as all the episodes are dropping next week.
As always, please join in on our facebook group page Inside My Wardrobe and find me on social media , all the links are on my website www.pipagordon.co.uk
No matter how hard we plan and prepare, things often just go in their own direction and if we aren’t able to flex, we break! Learning to lean IN to rest and lean ON one another is vital, besides, I heard a rumour once that humans need connection – funny that! So here’s a wee chat on rolling with the punches and setting time aside to flex, breathe and maybe sing a little song!
Remember to join in our Facebook page Inside My Wardrobe or find me on social media via my website
- 2:30 Needing permission to stop and watch TV
- 4:10 Gail Porter BBC documentary
- 5:50 self harm and eating disorder
- 06:35 Choir in a pub
- 09:10 Borderline personality disorder
- 10:25 Importance of breathing deeply
- 10:35 Anxiety and shallow breathing
- 11:00 Singing for therapy
- 12:10 Benefits of singing together
- 16:20 Self sabotage
- 17:02 Self doubt
- 17:55 Leaning on someone is not a weakness
- 18:02 Brene Brown talks about the importance of vulnerability
- 19:32 Planning for when things go wrong
- 20:03 Flexibility
- 20:31 Be good to yourself
- 21:00 Space for rest and reflection
This week we are talking about planning, the value in setting goals and creating space for rest in our busy worlds so that we can look after our mental health, as well as our loved ones!
I do new year resolutions slightly differently these days, I wait until after January 1st and then take the entire month to take stock, evaluate and plan – I find it’s a much less frantic way to map out the year ahead and always proves to be far more likely to succeed when I do it this way. So here goes, in a nutshell….
- GOALS
- Wheel of everything – PLEASURE AND PURPOSE - how satisfied are you with your relationship/work/social life/spiritual life/home/connection with kids. By breaking down each section of our lives, we can see what’s working well and not so well.
- Taking each section that we want to improve, we then put some thought into how to improve it over time, without knee jerk reactions or unreasonable intentions. Consider the things that have stopped you until now, what else needs addressing at a deeper level for example, if you’re drinking loads of coffee in the morning due to the fact that you’re not sleeping at night because work is causing you heaps of stress, how can you address that?
- WISH LIST
- What are the places you would like to go to this year– holidays, festivals, city breaks, galleries, shows, concerts
- Who are the people you would like to spend time with? Perhaps connecting with old friends, family members from further afield or just not so old friends but ones who live a little further away
- House jobs and things to do – fix the fence, sort the garage, re-do the bathroom, buy a new mattress, mend the bicycle – things you keep putting off but you know you would love to be done
- FRAMEWORK
- Work schedule – get a year to view calendar and mark out dates you are working and any other important dates that are set already such as GCSEs/A Levels/Open Days/sports day/school events/local fairs etc
- Birthdays/appointments or other events
- School holidays – show the space where you can create fun and adventure, equally where you may need to arrange childcare or make arrangements with work
- SPACE FOR PLANNING
- Holidays – start to put these things in, it gives you something to look forward to
- Day trips, seeing friends, parties – plan ahead so that you don’t have another year go by without seeing those loved ones again
- Rest – LEAVE SPACE for rest, for spontanaeity and for general chilling out together!
- WEEKLY PLANNING
- Every Sunday – what does the week have ahead? What do you need to remember? Write down everything so it’s out of your head – this is all about creating head space, managing mental health and taking control of our lives
- Where is the space? Protect yourself by ensuring there is space for downtime
- Meal planning, who needs a lift to where? Play dates, part time jobs, after school clubs, getting the food shopping done – where are you fitting in you and your partner ….DATE NIGHT?
I have a diary (Filofax), a planner (Tools4Wisdom), a meal planner on the wall in the kitchen, and a white board in the office – if its not written down it just swims around my head and causes unnecessary stress - who wants that?
And that’s how I plan! I hope its helpful 😊
Talking of planning - I have a blank canvas ready to be filled with ideas for the podcast so if there is anything you would like me to cover, research or talk about or perhaps any guests you fancy hearing on Inside My Wardrobe please get in touch!
You can find me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook – all the links are on my website pipagordon.co.uk (remember I’m pipa with 1 p) or you can join in with our facebook group page called INSIDE MY WARDROBE and leave your requests and comments there.
Thank you as always for joining me INSIDE MY WARDROBE, please share the link with your friends if you enjoyed it, and also if you have a moment, it would be great if you could rate, review and remember to subscribe so you don’t miss out on any upcoming episodes!!
- 1:48 my take on New Year's Resolutions
- 3:20 Goal planning
- 7:00 January respite, let the festive season dust settle
- 9:55 The wheel of everything, breaking life down into manageable bite sized chunks
- 12:34 The quest for happiness
- 14:00 Getting control of life to the best of our ability. Finding strength, purpose and creating forward motion
- 16:57 Stop blaming the environment and start believing in yourself - you can do it!
- 17:10 Wish lists
- 18:16 Connecting with friends
- 19:41 Framework to planning the year - every structure has a frame!
- 21:35 Avoiding things swimming around your head - mental health awareness!
- 21:51 Diary (Filofax)
- 22:22 Weekly Planner (Tools4Wisdom)
- 23:35 Managing mental health when running a busy work, life, and family schedule
- 24:04 Meal planning
- 25:00 Value in taking control and how it helps our mental health and sanity levels
- 25:37 Any requests for future podcasts, please get in touch
Remember you can find me on social media, just search Pipa Gordon or jump across to my website or join our Facebook group page
I've clambered back into the wardrobe for a quick catch up before silly season kicks off! Remember to take a bit of time out for self preservation over the festive season, as Claudia Hammond suggests in The Art of Rest, try sitting on a chair with NOTHING to do for 15 minutes - I'm going to give it a go too, minus the optional electric shocks! I hope you have a wonderful time with family and friends, look after yourself and remember you don't have to please everyone ...its your Christmas too xx
I do hope you enjoy this episode half as much as I have whilst putting it together!
It turns out that recent neuroscience research has discovered some quick and specific activities that can alter our physical and emotional state – and you’re going to love them! Laughing (even pretend laughing) and singing can help people with depression, can reduce the feeling of loneliness and help you feel relaxed, happy and connected! It’s so good! Besides, who doesn’t love a good laugh or a good sing?
So tell me, how long has it been since you’ve really laughed or belted out your best Celine Dion number in the shower or car?
We don’t just feel good because of the thing that made us laugh in the first place, or because we are enjoying the song we sing, we feel good because of the chemicals released by the action of these activities. It’s a fascinating scientific process that goes on in our bodies!
When we laugh, even if it’s fake laughter, within 45-90 seconds, the body starts to flood with chemicals, positive neurotransmitters and endorphins that make us feel good and counter balance any cortisol and stress. Equally when we sing, the vibrations going through you body literally have the biological ability to alter your physical and emotional state – you don’t have to be on XFactor – just bellow away and let those endorphins flow!
Here are some links to a couple of Laughter Yoga ted talks but seriously, just google it and start giggling!
Laughter Yoga Ted Talk 1
Laughter Yoga Ted Talk 2
Neuro science of singing
This is the last official podcast of 2019, so thank you hugely for listening, for joining in on the Facebook Group , for all your fabulous reviews and comments etc. We will kick off again in 2020 so don’t go far and make sure you subscribe so you don't miss anything! I’m still going to be doing IGTV and social media so you can’t get rid of me that easily - all the links are on my website
Once trust is broken it's so hard to rebuild again. It's important to recognise when to put that time and effort in and when to let go. Trust starts with knowing who we are and in this episode we talk about how to recognise and help ourselves know which way to go.
Words that a friend wrote to me once have stuck with me forever "we change the world by first changing ours" and so this week we talk about finding joy on our doorstep. When we start to reconnect with what actually matters and invest relentlessly in that, we can be part of the bigger picture and change the fabric of what is going on around us.
"You Make It Happen" ..it is not enough to just like a post that says #bekind instead we need to put it into action, every day, with every thought, every word and every deed - then together, we might just see things turn around.
Whizz and I went for a walk the other day along an old railway line and whilst I was admiring the gorgeous reds and golds of the leaves turning, it struck me how beautiful something can be when its dying.
We so often look at loss as a negative, however the seasons of nature are necessary in order to make room for new life just as the seasons of life are necessary for us to grow. It’s not always easy but the reality is that seasons come and seasons go and with that in mind, life goes on. There is no escaping that life brings pain and that is exactly the point of finding joy. Not after the rain, but during the pain. Even if it’s looking up and finding a beautiful cloud, or seeing a bird hop about on the ground, smelling a beautiful fragrance, appreciating a hug, eating a bacon sandwich or smiling at a stranger.
If we can let go of needing everything to be ok all the time, we can take hold of peace in the midst of not understanding what is going on. In the midst of having no idea of what is ahead, peace helps us find joy, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, even though it might not be the same as what we hoped it might be.
I mentioned 2 books, one being A New Kind of Normal by my friend Alison Keenan about her journey with breast cancer and the other being Happiness by Design by Professor Paul Dolan.
Codependency is a really important one as when it comes to taking back the power and our place in life, we can so easily find ourselves in relationships where we relinquish who we are in favour of propping someone else up – it’s a clever little monster as it sneaks up on us and masquerades as true love then before you know it, you’re crushed, exhausted, and you’ve completely lost direction, you’ve no idea of who you are any more and you have no sense of self, you’ve chosen to sacrifice yourself by taking responsibility for someone else who can’t or won’t, often for very valid reasons, take responsibility for themselves.
So, what is co-dependency? It can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore – and whilst you might think that's isn’t necessarily a bad thing, when it means one person has got lost, or when it means that one person props up or facilitates abusive behaviour, or addiction, or locks you in a severely dysfunctional relationship, then it is bad, most definitely.
It’s easy to see from the outside but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s incredibly hard to identify as it grows subtly and that’s what this episode is all about.....
The book I refer to on codependence is called The Dance of Wounded Souls, by Robert Burney and in it he says the battle cry of codependence is: “I’ll show you! I’ll get me!”
Care too much? Running around ticking boxes and meeting needs, getting things done, being there for other people? Hurt easily by someone’s reaction to something you said or did? Sometimes we need to stop caring about the things that just don’t matter.
Weirdly, as I sat down to put this week’s podcast together, Transvision Vamp’s Baby I Don’t Care was playing in the kitchen which I thought was a rather apt soundrack for exactly this – stopping people pleasing, comparing, keeping up and box ticking but instead, embracing the seasons of life, letting go and allowing the leaves to fall at times.
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.
I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate.
I decided not to coexist anymore with pretence, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities.
In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” Attributed to Meryl Streep but written by Portuguese life coach/self-help guru by the name of Jose Micard Teixeira in 2014
And the book on Fast Fashion I refer to is Fashionopolis by Dana Thomas
Sometimes the word no is far more powerful and identity giving than the word yes, so continuing with the series Sorry Not Sorry, taking back your life and finding the freedom to be who you are, this is about boundaries. Knowing when to say yes and knowing when to say no. And knowing that no, is ok – it’s more than ok, it’s necessary in order to know who you are and be who you are.
So if you regularly feel burned out, resentful of certain relationships, or perhaps you battle with finances, anger, exhaustion, or perhaps you feel that somewhere along the line you have lost track of who you are, or you find yourself constantly running around after everyone else, meeting everyone else’s needs and find that you are left with nothing in the tank and no one even cares - you might need to connect with the ability to see where you need to say no.
Sorry not sorry, this one is about boundaries, knowing when to say yes and knowing when to say no.
Here's the link to the official site for Boundaries Books and the work of Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend - you can also find them on Amazon
This week is a cheery 22 minutes on balancing what's on our insides with what's on our outsides and trying to get them in sync with each other. Seeing as it's London Fashion Week, we go into the wardrobe literally in every way and talk about how to find joy, how to rekindle our love of our clothes, and how to discover freedom in fashion by balancing who we are internally whilst being able to reflect that person to the world externally - I hope you enjoy!
What are you waiting for? It's time to get in, take up your oars and start rowing!
It has been said that successful people have a limited wardrobe because they have realised that we have a finite amount of decisions we are able to make each day and they don’t want to waste a single one of those decisions on what they are going to wear – the same can be said for our energy – we have a finite amount of mental energy each day and if you spend all of it complaining about what’s not working, there is very little left for doing anything about it.
We all have these people in our lives, who complain day in and day out, the circle the same drain, they look only at the problem, never the solution, they blame the world around them for what’s not working and wearing their problems as a badge – we don’t want be that person. Moaning and complaining says, I have no power over this situation but even worse, it admits that you aren’t going to do anything about it, you’ve given the power away. Venting, moaning, complaining just keeps the problem alive, it feeds it, it gives it breath and momentum – even worse, whilst you’re looking at the problem, you’re not finding the solution – THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. …ask your cheering squad ….what do they say?
In the coaching world we have this exercise called the boardroom – fire the executives in your mind who don’t cheer you on, who don’t build you up and believe in you and your ability to embrace life and live it to the full.
The reality is, you can choose to be the victim of your circumstances or you can choose to be the victor – the one who holds the victory to overcoming whatever it is. We can’t avoid the trials of life, going back to quotes, I read one just this morning “…. Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life, so you can find the David within you – Goliath was the giant, the impossible enemy who David was able to defeat with one single shot – he focussed his attention on overcoming, he had a sling shot, not an army of weaponry and he overcame.
The proactive person takes control of a situation, you might want to call them the risk taker, they just get on with it, they don’t really ask questions, don’t hang around, they just decide that they are going to do it and they figure it out along the way – they are the original Nike brand – just do it – focus is on the prize, on the change, on the opportunity – with the intention of growth, of exploring options along the path, pushing the door of all possibilities and creating change – I’ve always said, push every door and if it doesn’t open, move on to the next
The reactive person however spends more time thinking about it, you might want to call them the risk assessor, analysing all the different angles, considers the pros and cons, explores the what ifs etc. The danger here is there is limited taking of control, by drawing in every external factor possibly imaginable, it complicates and dilutes focus which then in turn becomes about reacting to external factors and making decisions accordingly – that person will forever be avoiding, steering clear of situations, constantly trying to find the RIGHT way and only then taking a step.
It’s back to Leicester square last week, when you know where you are going, you head that way, but if you aren’t focussed, you’re constantly reacting to everything going on around you – its exhausting!
So the question is this, where is your attention today? Where are you focusing your energy? Has the time come to stop circling the drain and to get in that boat and start rowing…..?
If you feel like life is consuming you, that you're stuck on a hamster wheel, existing permanently in fight or flight mode, always ready to react and being on the defence then this is for you.
We have become so used to stress that we've lost the art of BEING, so this week we talk about rather than feeling the need to be apologetic for our existence, how to find validation from within and connect with who we are, what matters and where we are heading.
Slightly longer this week (59 mins) in fact, so much so that there is a part 2 coming next week - this is about finding and owning your space, next week is about rewriting the rulebook - boundaries and codependency.
How do we love ourselves? What does that look like? Do we FALL in love with ourselves romantically or is it something else? With all this talk about self love and mindfulness we scour book shelves and read articles endlessly trying to cram in some new practise so we feel better about our lives but I wonder, would we need all this if we truly loved ourselves? And if we did, how would that look?
So we embark upon a journey together in this 40 minute episode via knitting, a broken bone, a playground rhyme, bricks in back packs, neighbours, Shakespeare, a favourite wedding reading, imposter syndrome, Emma Willis, eschatological realism and snakes and ladders – this is a whistle stop tour around what love is and how we can love ourselves as we love others …..
Loving ourselves is surely accepting ourselves for who we are. Isn’t that how you love your partner? Your kids? Your friends and your neighbour? You’re not trying to change them, you love them as they are, where they are in their life, foibles and all – the question is, going back to Hazel’s original question, how do I love myself? I wonder if you already know how to love yourself – you’re just not doing it because you’ve got this other set of rules that you’re making yourself abide by – but they aren’t based on truth, they aren’t fair, they aren’t there to help you grow.
You know I’ve talked about how the world is like a giant jigsaw puzzle and each of us has our own unique space to be exactly who we are – it’s not about being like someone else, or fitting in with the crowd, it’s about looking at the shape that we ARE and saying that it fits, that it works perfectly in its space.
There is a term, Eschatological realism which is the belief that over time, we are gradually beginning the person we were born to be, that there is a better tomorrow, that you aren’t defined by the mistakes of your past, but actually as each day passes, you are getting closer to becoming your true self.
So if we can learn to love ourselves in the way we are willing to love others, with kindness and patience, with hope, endurance and acceptance, we can allow ourselves to take that journey toward discovering ourselves. We know, through ancient wisdom, our ancestors, our grandparents, wherever you want to look – we KNOW that we become the better versions of ourselves over the passage of time, the trick is in allowing it to happen.
Life becomes so much easier when you stop pretending that its easy – because it’s not easy, it’s like watching the death slide at the end of I’m a Celebrity, desperately trying to climb up a water slide with everything you could possibly think of being thrown at you from all angles and just as you think you’re nearly there, a jet of water knocks you off your feet and you slide all the way back to the beginning again – life is a game of snakes and ladders – that’s real life, right there, on a board game! The trick is in letting yourself play.
They say everything happens for a reason, but do you actually think that is true? Is everything laid out in the stars already or do we have a choice? Do some get lucky or is life what you make it?
With GCSE and A Level results all out on the table now, we are fast approaching September, the season of new beginnings - the question is, do those new beginnings stop once we leave the education system or can we keep growing and learning until the end? Should we bother, particularly if it's already written in the stars!
And Dick's footsteps? Yes, Dick Whittington, he didn't hang around to see what was written in the stars, instead he took complete control in order to create change in his life and off he went!
The last questions is this, where are you heading?
I have been inspired by all your comments after my recent make up tutorials on IGTV. It is such as minefield as none of us NEED to wear make up but many of us do and for lots of good reasons. The industry is laden with messages that tell us what we need to look like or what products to use so it takes real confidence to find our own groove with it. The key for me is in understanding our relationship with make up and also in discovering whether it is aiding us in being ourselves, or whether it is encouraging us to hide and hold back.
Firstly, there is no right or wrong, one of my best friends NEVER wears make up, its just who she is and that’s brilliant. Make up is there for enhancement if we so choose to wear it ….which got me thinking, why do we choose to wear it?
So using the opening lines of the famous monologue from Shakespeare’s As You Like It “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players…” I’m taking a theatrical turn on this one. My take on why we wear make up is that it offers to us one of the following:
A MASK – for those who are anxious and insecure tend to use make up to boost their confidence, or perhaps it might be to hide a spot or blemish.
A SPOTLIGHT – for those who want to be noticed, feel confident, more assertive – celebrity make up artist Lisa Eldridge, calls it the element of war paint and tribalism, that make up can make you feel more powerful and ready to face any situation.
A STAGE – for those who want to express themselves, who love to be playful and creative, to try different looks and trends, it’s all about enjoying the creative process and sharing it with the world.
Beauty is such a tricky word, we talk about the beauty industry and make up being products designed to enhance our physical beauty but how do we define that and why do we feel the need to look younger? We need to start valuing our life experience and each year we have successfully navigated our way through.
I think the nuts and bolts of it is there is no one given reason as to why we wear make up. The reality is we are fine as we are and those who love us will tell us so – whether or not we wear make up boils down to a bunch of different reasons on a daily basis. It might be that you’re tired and need something to help you feel like you can face the world, it might be that you want to look polished and put together just like your outfit is because you wouldn’t dream of looking otherwise, it might be that you’ve got a hideous spot that needs hiding and you aren’t going anywhere without make up on or it might be that you just love it regardless.
For me, I have played with make up since my very early teens, I used it at first to find my own space, to discover who I was and then in my 20s I used it to hide who I was and then in my 30s I used it to boost who I was and I would say now in my 40s, I use it because I can but I’ve come full circle and have forced myself to be confront my own pride and ego so that baring my naked face isn’t an issue, but instead is just another side of me and if I can’t accept that, then why should anyone else.
It really does go back to knowing how to love ourselves doesn’t it? So much does!
Listen in to hear my break down on the different products from primer to eyebrow pencil and tune in to my IGTV for tutorials on how to use different products. Please also get in touch if there is something you would like for me to cover, I will be more than delighted to do so!
Enjoy xx
Well this is a nice and light topic for mid August isn’t it? I was contacted by a Podcast listener a few weeks ago and she asked if I would do a podcast on Eating Disorders and I of course said yes, but having been there myself, do not take this subject lightly and quite honestly, wasn’t sure where to start. However when I saw Beyonce’s diet plan being bandied around and a lot of discussion amongst the health experts as to how it can be dangerous, I thought I would jump right in.
She says to reach her goals, she must limit herself to no bread, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no meat, no fish, no alcohol – and she admits she’s hungry – all very entertaining but also incredibly irresponsible – what message is she giving to all the girls and women who think she is fab?
The reality is, if you go without carbohydrates, the brain is starved of essential sugars, the NHS however suggests that starchy foods such as potatoes, bread, rice, pasta and cereals should make up just over a third of the food we eat
As far as I am concerned, virtually every single diet is dangerous. They feed into the mental struggle that comes with body confidence and self acceptance. A diet tells us that using it as our tool, we can control our body shape and weight but of course we can’t, we are far more intrinsically designed than that and no simple equation will help us become stick thin – hang on a moment, who said we need to be thin anyway?
That’s the other problem, it used to be models in magazines but now its influencers in our own homes, on our devices, on our social media feed, showing us how we need to be looking and dishing out the guilt in spades
It’s easy to judge when you don’t understand and with all the pressures of social media, there has been a rapid increase in anorexia and bulimia cases. It’s easier to spot an anorexic than a bulimic but essentially, they are both fighting the same demons.
After an attempted rape, I became anorexic when I was 16, it was the final straw in my younger years which had been packed with abuse and control and something in my brain flipped. I stopped eating. It wasn’t a choice, I physically couldn’t swallow – my body tried to gain control of my life because my heart and my brain was so traumatised. Within a year, I left home and started my life afresh on the south coast and I think taking control of my life in this way with a new start had a huge impact on regaining control and I began to get healthy again.
Fast forward 8 years and I spent a few months in Israel where we lived on fresh pita bread which was delicious with butter and sugar. I came home mid summer and none of my summer shorts would go past my knees – no kidding I gained about 30 pounds – 2 ½ stone, went from 8st to 10 ½ in 6 months – I didn’t much enjoy the comments from the boys – wow you’ve gained weight, to be honest, I saw the funny side as I’d not looked in a full length mirror for 6 months and just hadn’t realised what was going on. I’d always been skinny and suddenly I wasn’t so I was going to do something about it. I went on the Rosemary Conley low fat diet and over a period of 6 months or so the weight began to come off – but then the demons arrived. I could manage the first bit, but when it took ages and ages and the dreaded plateau meant that I wasn’t losing as much as I had done previously, I started to crave foods I wasn’t being allowed and there began a 4 year struggle with bulima. It ruled my life, like it owned part of my brain, I was anxious at every meal time, I couldn’t go to bed without planning my food for the next day, it totally consumed me and I couldn’t escape it. It wasn’t until I threw away my scales, and started to take control of my thoughts and not allow the fear to grip me any longer that I started to live again and from that point, I’m not sure where it began to turn, in living life, in working, in eating and in allowing myself just to get on with it, the thoughts began to fade away and slowly, so did the weight.
Diet’s are dangerous tools for weight loss particularly fad diets endorsed by celebrities – we all have different genetic make ups, we aren’t all built to look the same and if you’re following people on social media whose feeds cause you to judge yourself, then maybe it’s time to unfollow them.
Of all the mental health disorders, this one causes the most fatalities because it can cause lasting damage on our vital organs – we need food, we need to eat
Anorexia means someone is not eating enough food to get the energy they need to stay healthy. Sometimes people assume anorexia is just about slimming and dieting, but it is much more than this. At its core it is often connected to very low self-esteem, negative self-image and feelings of intense distress.
Causes of anorexia:
It has been said that genetics load the gun and environment pulls the trigger in eating disorders. Some people can eat for Britain, others look at a slice of bread and feel they gain weight – so eating disorders are not caused by any given thing, they are a mix based on genes, personality, and environmental influences.:
· The effects of the media, constantly portraying thin people as ideal stereotypes
· Professions that promote being thin and weight loss, such as ballet and modeling
· Family and childhood traumas: sexual abuse, neglect, divorce, death
· Peer pressure among friends and co-workers to be thin or be sexy
https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/types-of-eating-disorders/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_8bcqe_y4wIVClXTCh0Y7wjIEAAYAyAAEgJYUfD_BwE#.XUsuSfZFyUk
http://www.notplantbased.com/
So we are in the thick of school holidays and we know they can be a testing time for everyone involved! We take on a huge mission as parents to care, nurture, protect, inspire and guide our young ones however with the testing times of no routine, boredom, too much screen time and sibling spats, how on earth do we get through?
I’ve had a few years doing this now and these are some of my top tips for coping?
- Put Something in their Love Bank
Before you start the day and try to get through everything you need to do before taking the kids out, give them a small amount of undivided attention, pay in to their bank and they are then set up for the rest of the day
- Give Responsibilities
Chores to help around the house are a great way to give them something to do and to also help you out at this particularly busy time.
Come up with a list of jobs that you are willing to give pocket money for – encourage them to earn, it helps them learn how to manage money and it definitely slows down their spending when they know it’s their own cash!
- Have boundaries and routine
Set some sort of routine in place, maybe have a holiday timetable or a calendar up with planned dates on. Children respond well to boundaries and a framework. They are used to it in school and gives them check points through the day, the week and the holiday. This also helps you see the holiday as a whole, where your work fits in and where there are gaps that might need filling.
- Be Slow To Lay Down The Law
Don’t go making huge threats that you can’t uphold. Have few and fair rules, this is holiday, it’s time to enjoy some down time but that doesn’t mean that everything goes out of the window – and remember, consistency is key.
- Don’t Be The Referee
Get them to sort their own battles with each other, it’s a huge life skill and will deter unnecessary fights as it won’t become about getting Mum/Dad’s attention.
- Enjoy your children
They are only with us for a short time!
The book I read from is The Rules of Life by Richard Templar and Liquid Thinking which I quoted earlier on re the psychology in the OJ Simpson defence was Liquid Thinking by Damian Hughes
How many times do you find yourself descending into an argument and you can’t even remember why you’re fighting? This is a life skill that everyone needs but few master – I’m still on the journey too!
So, after a slight near miss recently I was inspired to do this as a podcast as it dawned on me that often during summer holidays, or Christmas, or occasions when we spend prolonged time with each other, sometimes disagreements occur and I thought it might be helpful to address it ahead of time and come up with a strategy that might help so I’ve come up with a strategy that hopefully will not only help, but also give you a smile every time you remember it – because let’s face it, if you’re smiling, it’s really hard to be angry!
*Listen
*Empathize – empathy is the ability to understand how someone else might feel, to see things from their side of the fence and that can often really help understand where they are coming from even if from your side, it looks different. This can be a great point to realise you may have got something wrong in which case this is where you back down and admit your realisation
*Think before you speak – so often we shoot from the hip and react without a second’s thought as to what is going on. Tired, emotional, hungry, stressed, historical buttons being pushed
*Important – is it? Does it matter? Will you care tomorrow? Next week? In a year’s time? Can you let it go right now
*Timing – is now the time to address this? Is giving some space and time a good idea at this point?
Gracious – be gracious with your response, you are on the same side. Remember your reactions say more about you, it’s not about being right, yes its nice to be heard but if you’re not,
On – know when it is time to move on, respect the differences, compromise, make an agreement, but don’t keep circling the same fire, do what it takes to move on.
- Are the exit points which potentially stop the argument in its tracks – good luck!! …well, not really good luck, it takes practise but you know what I mean 😊
Have you ever been abroad and tried to be understood in your native language and not got very far? The same happens at home when we communicate love to each other. If we are speaking it differently, then we can often end up feeling unloved, misunderstood, and then potentially frustrated with one another and so the erosion begins.
If you want to safety net your love and guard it from waning, then you need to hear this. Have you ever heard of relationships that just sort of went wrong along the way but for no reason? The 5 love languages are key to understanding each other and communicating our love for one another both as partners and parents.
This is something I have been challenged with as I get older, its easy to slip into the habit of needing to "have my face on" however that doesn't define who we are and sometimes therefore it's a good exercise, to force ourselves to go against the grain. It's all about confidence and self acceptance.
So, earlier this week I put out a challenge on Instagram for people to go somewhere without a scrap of make up on. Some embraced it with both arms and others were quite reticent, it was a really interesting response.
I dig into it a little deeper during this podcast but the all important question is this, will you embrace the challenge ...and if so, can you repeat it again??
Hand on heart, the very first time either of my kids ever said no to me was not until they were in their teens, it was so foreign to me that I didn’t quite know how to respond! You see I had pretty much raised them without the word “no” in our vocabulary. I don’t like it, there are many alternatives to instruct our children in ways that allow them to think for themselves. “No” is definite and it is a door closer, and I want to keep that door between me and my kids open, always.
This all came about after spending a number of years in my 20s living in Holland. They are known to be a very liberal culture yet I observed that their children and more importantly their young adults were surprisingly balanced with alcoholism and teenage pregnancy not being an issue in the slightest. It dawned on me that with the lack of “no” in their lives, they had the freedom to become young adults who knew who they were, who had the ability to make their own informed choices and the will to walk away when necessary. I also observed that because their parents treated them as people rather than “just children”, that respect that was modelled on a daily basis, within the family and so became the norm for the young people too. How often do we hear people say “young people today have no respect” – perhaps it’s because their parents haven’t respected them as people first.
So, I decided before I even gave birth, that I wanted to give my kids all the tools that might help them live life in all its fullness; to be confident in who they are, wise enough to make informed decisions, bold enough to chase their dreams, savvy enough to read people and situations and strong enough to walk away when it’s better for them to do so. This podcast explains how and what the results have been……
Flying by the seat of our pants on this week's podcast as we cover all sorts from giving away expensive jeans that you once loved, the challenges in a second marriage (don't mention the Jamie Oliver pestle and mortar!), how to handle sibling choices and karma, does it really come around? Enjoy!
A bit like chasing the end of the rainbow, is it ever possible in today’s culture to live a balanced life? It looks different for all of us but there are some definite keys to finding it.
To be fair, it looks different for all of us and the Swedish art of Lagom (pronounced 'lah-gom') ….loosely translated as “not too little, not too much, just right” is very helpful in encouraging us how to create balance by valuing “just the right amount” or having enough/sufficient, rather than having everything - there’s quite a difference!
Lagom is a liberating concept, praising the idea that anything more than just enough, is a waste of time. It also comes with a selflessness and core belief of responsibility and common good. The word itself is widely believed to come from the Viking term 'laget om', for when a mug of mead was passed around a circle and there was just enough for everyone to get a sip.
In this episode, we unpick living “lagom” and discover our own personal balance in life. Once we get our heads around being and having enough, we can:
· Live a happier and more balanced life
· Reduce your environmental impact
· Improve your work-life balance – the endless quest
· Free your home from clutter
· Enjoy good food the Swedish way
· Grow your own and learn to forage
· Cherish the relationships with those you love
Rather than pretending we are living our best life, we want to live our real life. So, if we dare be brave enough to look in the mirror and bare our true selves to our selves, to love and accept that person for who he/she is today, we will slowly grow in confidence and become more and more able to be that person we were born to be, to stand up, speak out, and embrace life in its fullness.
Finally we reach the end of what has been an epic start to this podcast’s life! Who is mad enough to begin with such a monumental task as this? We have done well though and covered some pretty heavy stuff so this week I skim over it all, recap and remind us of all the aspects we addressed that hopefully will encourage us to be ok with NOT living our best lives but instead, walking in our own shoes and taking life with its ups and downs, highs and lows and making the most of each and every day we have.
- 005: Unedited – being ok with not being perfect
- 007: Unplanned – dealing with life’s curve balls and spanners in works
- 009: Unashamed – identifying the life script we live by and ditching the lies we choose to believe
- 011: Unwound – managing stress and coping with the anxiety that comes with living life at such as pace as this
- 013: Uncluttered – how our mind and body responds at a neurological level to order and organisation
- 015: Unafraid – discovering our freedom on the other side of our fears
- 017: Unstuck – nothing changes if nothing changes
- 019: Unlimited – strategy to unblocking ourselves from what holds us back
This weekend, You Magazine’s editor, Jo Elvin titled her Editors Letter “Ease Up Superwomen!” with a really open and honest personal story of how she struggled once she had been made redundant as it really challenged her identity. We take such pride in being considered strong, we feel that we have to be busy all the time in order to be taken seriously – I’m as bad as anyone else at not being able to sit down for any length of time which makes me think that sometimes we need to ask ourselves, WHY we are feeling the need to be superwoman? Who are we doing it for? Who are we trying to prove something to? Because if we are running from something below the surface, we will just keep running. It’s not going to go away. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a real plate spinner and that’s often a necessity in modern life but if it gets to the stage that you CAN’T stop or you are CONSTANTLY on the go in order to feel like you have to keep up, to fit in – then I think we have to be careful that we aren’t heading for a brick wall.
One of my best friend's daughters recently gave a Ted talk, which was amazing and offered the simple yet profound observation that yes we are all different, but the challenge is in staying different. If only we could get our heads around the fact that we don't have to be the same, achieve the same or live the same, then we might give ourselves space to truly blossom.
Identifying what holds us back and discovering the antidotes to hurl us forwards! This week I take a look at the 3 main hurdles that hold us back in life and then give you the antidotes to them, hey presto, it’s that easy! We’ve gone through this whole journey over the last few months together and now it’s time to start looking forwards. We could go the distance if only we would believe in ourselves. We are our own worst enemies and our only limit is our heads. We fear that we won’t bounce back if it doesn’t go to plan but that means that we never take risks in the first place, yet we KNOW that the best experiences in life come from taking risks
Expect success and deal with disappointment when you need to
Find your own way, don’t follow the path everyone else has trodden before you
Be excited about what might be
Consume as much positivity and celebration as you can – WE ONLY LIVE ONCE
I always tell my kids:
· The more you love, the bigger your heart gets
· The more you give the deeper your well becomes
· The more you see and celebrate the positive, the more positive you’ll see
This is the YouTube link to the Downs Syndrome Gymnast
This is the Time magazine Ricky Gervais article on the cultural differences between Brits and Americans
There is an ancient proverb which says the secret to living well is to eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without measure so this week that’s exactly what the plan is! Slightly vague and around the houses, it’s a half hour chit chat going from comedy with Bill Bailey, to eating disorders and diets, to swimming like a fish or frog and so on!
This is the link to the absolutely brilliant recording of Space Odyssey which never fails to give me a hearty laugh – their determination and commitment is worthy of an award …not to mention the joy that has been experienced by many after the fact! Not at all at their expense, let’s face it, it’s mainly this hilarious because we’ve all been there!
I hope you enjoy, this is also the link to Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In (I got her name right finally, not without Google's help!!) and don't forget to come and join in with the Facebook group Inside My Wardrobe!
Failure is a good thing! The only way to get out of a situation where we feel stuck, is to do something differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes and we don’t always know if we’re going to get it right but we at least owe it to ourselves to try. We only fail once we stop trying so get up, dust off, and keep going!
Thanks so much for listening, here's the link to the book by Elizabeth Day “How To Fail” and as always, do feel free to come and find me on Twitter or Instagram or join in with the Inside my Wardrobe group on Facebook
So this week I was really inspired by the story of a young British vet who ditched everything she had at home and set up a charity in Sri Lanka working with dogs who lived on the street. Whether or not dogs are your thing, what struck me was how happy she was. She works from sun up to sun down, has no life outside of her work and very little money but doesn’t care. In fact, she said she feels like the luckiest girl alive.
So what are we doing wrong? What’s it all about? This episode of Inside My Wardrobe is touching on how to feel the luckiest person alive by finding your passion and purpose, making a difference in your world, collectively making a difference in our world.
I was reading a National Geographic article this week which states that the latest findings as part of a massive UN study, the first in decades of its kind, that thanks to our behaviour, 1,000,000 species may be pushed to extinction in the next few years – this holds serious consequences for our future but how often do we actually think about what we can do? It’s more than just the recycling bin isn’t it?!
The question is, is it too late? I remember in 2000 saying I didn’t want to bring children into such a destructive world, then in 2001 flying into Gatwick airport the day 911 happened and watching the events unfurl on TV in absolute terror like everyone else thinking is the world too far gone? What can we do?
Martin Luther King is credited for saying “if the world was going to end tomorrow, I would plant an apple tree”. I don’t think he meant we should all be planting trees, whether or not he actually said this is irrelevant, the point is that no matter what is around the corner, we should surely all continue to invest in life rather than shrink back because of fear.
I told a story about my son going to Uzbekistan to stay with one of my best friends and her family for 3 months – I actually forgot to make the point in the podcast as I took I diversion (surprise surprise) but my point was so many people said to me at the time “oh don’t send him there, aren’t you afraid something might happen?” To be honest, anything could happen wherever we are in the world and I knew it would be a life changing experience for him so that’s what mattered (its also a very safe country, just unfamiliar). We need to see when there is more reason to sing than to fear – AND SING! There is so much to celebrate and experience in life, there is so much good OUT there but sometimes we are so busy introspectively searching our belly buttons that we forget.
So, time to connect with what matters, find our reason and purpose and start living it!
https://www.challengeday.org/bethechange/
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7001537/Brit-vet-ditched-party-lifestyle-help-street-dogs-Sri-Lanka-worries-shell-never-love.html
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/2019/05/ipbes-un-biodiversity-report-warns-one-million-species-at-risk/
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
Everything in our life comes from what we believe is true and those truths inform our decisions and behaviour on a daily basis. What if however, those truths aren’t actually truth? It’s time to start confronting the fears that whisper in our ears and hold us back each day and start seeing where they have been affecting our relationships, our work, our choices and our future.
It might be that you’re afraid of asking why the relationship broke, or afraid of showing your face without make up on, or asking your boss for a promotion, or of becoming a parent because you don’t know if you’ll get it right. It could be you are scared of being on your own, of embracing a new opportunity, fearful of moving forwards as hanging on to the past somehow feels safer. Afraid of putting on your trainers and being seen out on a run, of trying in case you fail, of telling someone your true feelings, or of working to save a relationship and saying sorry in case you are shunned – the list is endless.
We all have things we hold back on because we are fearful of not knowing the outcome, so ask the question, what’s the worst that could happen? If we start facing what we are afraid of rather than running, we might start to realise that we are stronger than we think, wiser than we know and far more able than we ever dreamt possible.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” Mark Twain
A light hearted 30 min episode on packing, going on holiday and what would you grab if your house was on fire - inspired by the miraculous escape of so many artefacts from the awful fire in Notre Dame. I take you on a whistle stop tour through my trying to come up with a plan should disaster strike - I don't think I succeed however I DO succeed in hiding from packing ahead of holiday and the rather necessary sort out and clean up - the house is a tip!
Having an Uncluttered head, heart and home is vital for coping with our busy and multi-facetted modern lifestyles. There is no avoiding stress these days so it’s all about structuring our lives around the different plates we spin and hats that we wear so we are best able to manage without falling apart! Living your unreal life means living YOUR life, being you, being connected with your reality and making it work.
We all have bills to pay, it could be you have children to care for and raise, you might be part of the sandwich generation and caring for a parent at the same time, you might run your own business, perhaps you have a job AND your run a separate business from home, you may have animals that depend on you for attention and exercise, you may be committed to a local club or association, maybe you do voluntary work – whatever it is, long gone are the 9-5 days where the weekend and evenings are open for rest. We all try to fit in as much as possible and consequently, looking at how we do that and possibly revisiting some of our habits is necessary to cope.
Whilst attitude and mindset has a vital role in the way you feel and manage each day, your environment plays a big part in affecting how you get on with everything you’re coping with as well. So many times we change part of a picture but not all of it and then wonder why things go wrong. We need to look at the entire picture and create an environment that supports our lifestyles that have changed so much over the years.
During this podcast we talk about how the body and mind function at a neurochemical and even atomic level that proves to us that organisation suits and supports our bodies and minds. We look at managing our hearts by looking at our relationships and having boundaries; organising our homes to support clear thinking by providing a calm, orderly environment; and safeguarding our minds by learning to plan, preventing unnecessary stress.
We discuss the rise of the Queens of clean on social media, the #hincharmy type brigades and why they seem to be taking over and then we get practical and go through specific ways we can help ourselves at home and work creating an uncluttered head, heart and home.
I hope you enjoy :)
This week’s podcast continues the theme of managing stress and this week we look at living with long term stress – be it illness, family dynamics or other situations that aren’t necessarily that easy to change or walk away from. Earlier this week it was announced that over 40% of businesses have seen a rise in people taking time off work last year due to stress and that 90% of cases seen by GPs are stress related. The numbers are clearly increasing when it comes to anxiety and depression so, what can we do to manage our busy lifestyles and the stress that results from it?
This week we look at the example of author Maggie O Farrell and how she lives with a long term stress caused by her childhood illness and also how her family lives in a state of high alert as one of her children suffers with multiple extreme allergic reactions, sometimes life threatening, on a regular basis.
I have two coping mechanisms to share with you, one for short and one for long term stress – and this is where the water and coffee come in:
WATER – MANAGING MELTDOWNS AND SHORT TERM STRESS
Walk away – find something that totally distracts my mind from what just happened in order to let the stress levels drop
Attention – focus my attention on something positive to bring balance back into my mind
Time -is my friend, we are so much more able to deal with stress once some water has passed under the bridge
Emotion check – am I tired, hungry, hormonal, already stressed by something else
Remind myself that I’m enough, I am a good person and this situation doesn’t define me
COFFEE – COPING WITH LONG TERM LIFE STRESSES
Choose your battles and compartmentalise
Organise and plan
Fear check – face your fears by asking what’s the worst that could happen and pre empt where possible
Fun – have fun, make memories and allow yourself some space from what is going on
Eat and sleep – without it we pretty much can’t function well
Exercise – increase the blood flow and oxygen, giving your body the best chance to help you manage
I find these help us develop resilience and determination, like Maggie O Farrell and still live our lives to the full.
Links mentioned in this episode:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w172wx8kc0srb4l
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-devon-47884268/baking-was-my-escape-from-anxiety
https://www.stepjockey.com/workplace-stress-a-21st-century-health-epidemic
And take a look at Maggie’s books here http://www.maggieofarrell.com/
- AFTER YOU'D GONE
- MY LOVER'S LOVER
- THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US, which won a Somerset Maugham Award,
- THE VANISHING ACT OF ESME LENNOX
- THE HAND THAT FIRST HELD MINE - 2010 Costa Novel Award,
- INSTRUCTIONS FOR A HEATWAVE - shortlisted for the 2013 Costa Novel Award
- THIS MUST BE THE PLACE
- I AM, I AM, I AM
Well there was me thinking there might even be time to play the piano for 5/6 minutes in the middle of this one – ha ha ha!!! This week we are talking about managing meltdowns, dealing with stress and coping with the anxiety life often brings – what on earth made me think it was going to be a short one? I must be off my head! It’s the longest yet at 1hr 17mins and no, there’s not 45 minutes of plinky plonk in the middle!
Living an unwound life - so this week I attempt to talk about where stress comes from and how we can manage it. Stress as a term is used to describe feelings we experience when we are feeling under pressure, when emotions are heightened, where things externally such as a negative work environment, family issues, financial difficulty, abuse, trauma, exams, daily hassles or change are in the air – there’s an endless list of what comes at us externally to cause stress but how much of it is avoidable?
Government survey this time last year, 4619 adults found that
· 74% of UK adults have felt so stressed at some point over the last year they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope.
· 32% of adults said they had experienced suicidal feelings as a result of stress
· 16% of adults said they had self-harmed as a result of stress.
My tips for managing short term stress - WATER:
· Walk away - Immediate distraction – stop, step back, play piano, go for a walk, this is why retail therapy is so helpful – back office, let cortisol and adrenalin levels drop. Take time out.
· Attention – where am I putting my attention, focus on the positive, be thankful, prioritise in the moment – not easy to think much further than that.
· Time – is my best friend, let the dust settle and the cortisol and adrenalin levels drop
· Emotion check – stress heightens our emotions – am I tired, hungry, hormonal, already stressed about something else that is colouring this situation
· Remind myself of who I am, don’t let previous labels and scripts define this moment and your reaction
Managing long term stress
· Organise and plan long and short term, holidays etc – stress thickens the mind – lists, diary, tidy house/desk/car - a tidy environment helps to keep the mind calm
· Fear check – Tim Ferriss talks about Fear Setting – take control of what you can control and don't walk into the fire
· Fun – get some fun in your life – adventure, games, laughter
Seneca quotes: “We suffer more in imagination than in reality” and “In the end, it’s not what happens to us but our reactions to it that matter”
Links for what’s mentioned in the show ….
https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_ferriss_why_you_should_define_your_fears_instead_of_your_goals/reading-list?referrer=playlist-most_popular_ted_talks_of_2017
https://paindoctor.com/top-10-stressful-life-events-holmes-rahe-stress-scale/
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-type/stress/
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/03/ultimate-guide-stress-at-every-age
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/stress
https://chimpmanagement.com/books-by-professor-steve-peters/the-chimp-paradox/
How on earth are we expected to keep up with fashion at the pace it is at these days? And with the rivers and oceans being so polluted, what can we do to make a difference? The fashion industry is the second highest polluter globally and we can’t keep our fingers in our ears about it any longer. If we all make a small change, together we can make a big one – and let’s face it, the government is busy bickering about other things right now!
Here in Britain, we sent 235 million items of clothing to landfill last year alone. Both literally and figuratively, we can’t afford to live like this anymore.
So in this podcast, we discuss the solution. It’s not about finding the least damaging fabrics, it’s about buying more wisely, sometimes buying less but definitely re-using more. Of course we love a treat but perhaps we should treat ourselves less often by spending a little more so it lasts longer and then of course, we could look back to our grandparents’ generation for inspiration. Make do and mend saw them through some of the hardest times.
Beautiful fashion shouldn’t cost the earth – Greenpeace
Coco Chanel – elegance doesn’t necessarily exist in putting on a new dress
Vivienne Westwood – spend more buy less campaign
Stella Macartney – we need to make clothing not landfill
Gaby Roslin – Shopping in my wardrobe
Below are the links as promised:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/5a1a43b5-cbae-4a42-8271-48f53b63bd07
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/fashion/environment-costs-fast-fashion-pollution-waste-sustainability-a8139386.html
https://www.alternet.org/2015/08/its-second-dirtiest-thing-world-and-youre-wearing-it/
https://edgexpo.com/fashion-industry-waste-statistics/
https://www.optimy.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Fast-Fashion-An-Environment-Epidemic-for-CSR.pdf
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-44159122
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/sep/01/swedish-15-year-old-cutting-class-to-fight-the-climate-crisis
https://www.plantbasednews.org/post/fast-fashion-killing-our-planet
How to silence the recurring voices that say I’m not clever enough, wise enough, beautiful enough, slim enough, fit enough, rich enough etc. We all live by a script that we formed at a very young age before we had even learned to read or write properly and that script still influences much of who we are and what we do as adults today, unless, we go back to the beginning and rewrite the aspects that were never based on truth.
You’re fat, you're useless, you're clumsy, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re slow, why can’t you be as good as your sister? Why aren’t you more like so and so? These become curses that whisper into our ears and guide our paths, telling us that we are not enough when really, we are enough.
Unashamed is about revisiting those scripts and rewriting them, enabling us to see ourselves for who we truly are. To see our kindness, strength, beauty and wealth of gifts and talents that make us who we are, despite our imperfections – we are good enough.
Did you know that people who are happy, are said to live for 10 years longer than those who aren’t? In our quest for happiness we seem to scrabble around to fill our lives with more stuff and so in this podcast we take inspiration from a totally different perspective. We take inspiration from acclaimed NHS nurse Christie Watson and from her book The Language of Kindness alongside Giles Brandreth’s book The 7 Secrets of Happiness.
We also discuss how we can be more wise with our fashion choices, we whizz through some statistics from a recent white paper published on fast fashion and how we need to be more aware of the impact on the environment and take into account Vivienne Westwood’s words from a number of years ago “Buy less, choose well, make it last”
Here is the YouTube link for Christie Watson speaking at the RCN Congress last year and a great quote, taken from 7 Secrets of Happiness from the Dalai Lama - Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.
Enjoy!
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So how do you cope when the unplanned occurs – you lose your job, you have a miscarriage, someone you love gets ill or passes away, you get divorced, you suddenly have to care for an elderly parent, things that were NEVER on your wish list suddenly appear at the top of the todo list, life as you planned it feels like it has come to an abrupt end; you feel like we have lost all sense of control and purpose. The art is in being able to deal with life’s curve balls and bombs that land in our laps. If we are so hell bent on perfection, we find life’s uncanny way of pulling the rug from under our feet can leave us flat on our backs, but with solid grounding in what really matters, we are so much more likely to catch those curve balls rather than have them knock us down.
The key to life is learning from the past but not being defined by it, living in the moment and planning for the future. The key to happiness is finding pleasure and purpose both over time, and in every-day life, something that Professor Paul Dolan covers in his book Happiness by Design. Choosing your battles is a life skill, and when we are rooted in the things that matter to us, when we don’t fuss about the details that actually aren’t so important, when we live by our core values, we are so much more able to manage when things go slightly off piste.
Also, one of the big culprits in holding us back or keeping us focussing our attention on the negative, is the pain and unforgiveness for things that have happened before now. The quote I mention that I found so helpful in letting go of the past was “forgiveness is coming to the place where you don’t expect the person to give back to you, what they took”
It’s International Women’s Day this week, there are so many inspirational stories to be told – another great woman to check up on is Brene Brown, her writing and research is immensely powerful when it comes to being connected and living in the fulness and wholeness of life.
This one is around 45 minutes, I hope you enjoy it! Please feel free to join in with me on social media, you can find all my connections via my website and if you can, please do leave a 5* review on Apple podcasts - many thanks x
We all want to feel and look good every day. Our first conversation on fashion inside my wardrobe is titled “Do I Look Good In This” because that is often the ultimate question but actually is that the real question we are asking, OR are we asking “will the world accept me in this outfit” or “will I be judged if I wear this?”
It’s actually a much deeper question of identity and self-confidence. Our wardrobe gets leant on daily, we rely on it to make us feel good, better, confident, able, appropriate, accepted, powerful, successful – fake it til you make it – but then you wonder, when are you going to start making it? What is MY style?
In this podcast I discuss how we can start ourselves on this road, how we can find our true style and avoid the pitfalls of trends that don’t work for us, dating ourselves and most importantly how we can use our wardrobe to increase our confidence.
OK so firstly spot the maths error half way through – this is what comes with not scripting! We make mistakes but that’s just fine because that’s what this is all about, being ok with not being perfect! This is episode 2 of our series Living An Un-Real Life where we delve into how to find a true sense of peace, fulfilment and being ok with the imperfections of life.
As someone who lived with intense trauma and anxiety for many years, it has become important to me to share the tools I discovered that worked for me when it came to rebuilding my life as an adult, finding my identity and then discovering joy, love, peace, confidence and all the wonderful things that are available to us once we stop trying to fit in. Comparison leads to disappointment and an array of negative emotions; denying our reality causes us to numb and shut down but instead we want to embrace all we are, live by our core values and climb the mountain because the views are great!
Over the last couple of decades we have seen an explosion in the self-help industry however I’m not convinced it’s working for us. We walk into a book store and see shelves and shelves of books under the "self-help" umbrella that seem to have an ability to make us feel guilty and inadequate the minute we look at them.
I’ve always found the greatest source of inspiration has come from when I look up and out, rather than looking down and in. One of these sources has always been hearing other people's stories, seeing others triumph over adversity or become a champion of something in their own right, I find that spurs me on and challenges me when I feel I can't. So each month I am going to tell the story of someone who I feel has lived through or achieved something that can inspire or challenge us as we look up, and out. If they can do it, so can we!
This month, our "Inspired by …" figure is American cookbook author and TV Chef Julia Child. She was so much more than a bestselling cookbook author and chef, ahead of all the others we know and love today, she accidentally became a TV trailblazer back in the 60s, she was also a breast cancer survivor and unbelievably, even a government spy back in the second world war. I came across part of her story in one of our favourite family movies, Julie and Julia and then when I started trying to find out more about her, I was blown away by her unswerving sense of self, strength, courage and determination in an era when women did not generally have careers nor influence.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen, I know there are so many podcasts these days to choose from so I am really grateful that you take the time to tune in to this one. It's really helpful, particularly as a new podcast to get ratings and reviews so I would be really grateful if you could leave a short review or rating on the platform you are listening to. Also if you think your friends might enjoy this podcast, I would love it if you would share on social media where you can also join our "Inside my Wardrobe" group on Facebook.
Remember, if someone else can do it, so can you!
Welcome to Episode 3 which is the first Episode of Living your Un-Real Life!
Anxiety is on the rise and often it's because we are chasing our tails and bombarded by external pressures which grind us down and distract us from our own paths. The premise of this series is flying in the face of the pressure brought about by #mybestlife and breaking down the importance of the Un-Edited life, by discovering who we really are and living by our own code, not code generated by social media and pressures from around us. This in turn helps us manage the Un-Planned parts of life, the bits we didn’t put on the wish list, that catch us unawares, illness, redundancy, divorce – all the stuff that can throw us right off balance and then being ok with forging the Un-Rehearsed parts of life, being brave about not having control, being ok with taking risks and making changes with the hope that we might find true fulfilment that fits who we are, not what the world wants us to be.
27 mins
This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs I refer to ….
In this next episode of Inside My Wardrobe I take you on a whistle stop tour through my life, what got me here, why I’ve decided to do a podcast, what my personal mantra is and so on. From 80s pop songs, to foster homes, anorexia, my dalliance with pop music, divorce and so much more, it’s a mere scratching of the surface which I fly through in 25 mins whilst my tummy rumbles and my brain darts from left to right but I think it’s followable – enjoy!
OK so this is somewhat of a rather substance-less episode involving me waxing lyrical from inside my wardrobe about the who what why and where. It's not very brain taxing, after all I didn't want to waste any decent content if I then accidentally ditched it but I wanted to get the ball rolling, figure out all the posting side of things, make sure that you can hear it your end, that I know what I'm doing etc etc before I start proper. It's just under 11 mins of chat from me and Sherbert the cat so I hope you enjoy! I would be HUGELY grateful if you could leave a comment from wherever you are listening, if you do listen, to let me know that it downloaded ok and sounded ok - thanks ever so much!! Pipa xx