The Kind of Love - SoundSage

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In this episode Aaron talks with guest Lolita Coppage — writer, truth seeker, and inner child guide — as she shares stories of her 40 year healing journey.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

Narration

1:30 min

What if the pain you’ve been avoiding is actually the key to your freedom? In today’s episode, I sit down with Lolita Coppage (cop-edge) —writer, truth seeker, and inner child guide —as she takes us on a raw, real, and even a laugh-out-loud funny journey through love, heartbreak, and healing.

From looking back and appreciating young love to noticing patterns of sabotage that kept her circling the similar painful relationships…

and even a moment where she realized her body was holding on to everything she hadn’t yet healed…

Lolita doesn’t just share her stories—she invites us into the messy, beautiful process of waking up of a 40 year journey.

We talk inner child work, the trap of the healing hamster wheel, how community can set you free, and what happens when you finally realize: There’s nothing wrong with you. You are loved for who You are.

Lolita is a longtime family friend, and after we chatted for some time on the day of my moms 80th birthday, I knew she needed to come on The Kind of Love and share her healing journey…

2:46 min

Greeting & Lolita's Serious relationships & catalyst

5:30 min

One of May Wake Up Calls for Lolita

8 min

Lolita’s Funny Dating Story

14:38 min

Lolita Starting to Noticing the Sabotaging Pattern

19:15 min

Getting Married In Vegas Turned out to be a real Scandal

23:45 min

Many Ah-Ha’s along the way of a 40 year healing journey. This time Lolita was taken out of show business.

37:35 min

Embracing your authentic feelings and who you are.

55:40 min

Needing community to Heal, and approaching men healing vs women healing.

74:30 min

Getting off of the “healing hamster wheel”, and the analogy of chasing a snake, rather than removing the poison.

85:05 min

Love and relationship is a choice, and not a requirement in todays world.

88:20 min

You can read Lolita’s Book “Leaves Turn Brown” and hear her song “Is there life after you.”

Closing

88:48 min

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Aaron talks with guest Mary B Safrit about the myths of being a Christian single and how to embrace your most unapologetic weird self.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

marybsafrit.com

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec — Intro Narration by Aaron

Welcome, my podcast people, to a journey of self-discovery and unapologetic weirdness. In this episode, we dive into the world of Christian single-ness, exploring the myths and narratives that shape experiences as a single adult. If this

My guest Mary B joining us covers a spectrum of this conversation from the myth of the ideal Christian woman to hilarious dating stories and anecdotes. She leaves no stone unturned.

Mary B's mission is to help singles navigate the complexities of modern dating. From writing for a Christian audience to producing live events, her journey is as inspiring as it is relatable.

Our unexpected encounter on a ride share ride that sparked a deeper conversation between us, sharing experiences of loneliness to the power of storytelling therapy.

With laughter and introspection, we tackle the myths surrounding singleness and the pressure to conform to societal expectations. Mary B's hilarious dating stories and candid reflections on mindset shifts offer a refreshing take on the dating scene and just knowing that it is OK to be single.

So grab your favorite beverage as we start off chatting about coffee and Mary B's love for oat milk, as we take you on this rollercoaster ride of laughter, insight, and unabashed weirdness.

And if you stay til the end you'll hear about Mary B's interesting singles test that helps you approach going to weddings and embracing your quirks.Because in a world of funny and confusing dating experiences, owning your unapologetic inner weirdo might actually be the ultimate superpower.

2:50 min - Starting Banter

Aaron likes banter to get his day going
Espresso gets Mary B’s day going
Mary B will die on that hill of oat milk… Aaron not so much.
Things get unhinged when Mary B says “Mouth-feel”

4:50 min - Mary B helps singles

Aaron intro’s Mary B helping singles but not just a dating coach
She writes for a Christian audience
So much more to life than just dating for a single person
Mary B wants to fill the gap between what the church offers and what singles need

7:20 min - Mary B produces live events

Mary loves lives events and is and MC and Host
One of the things she does is variety shows
She loves being a fan girl
Her podcast interviews singles in the church

9:30 min - Why does Mary B help singles ?

It’s a massively underserved demographic in the church
Mary B stumbled into the process
Mary B moved to NY to become a singer
She has always loved writing, went to a writers group, brought an essay on being single
A friend thought she should write a book on her essay about single-ness, and her being an awkward person, and having conversations about dating and sex
She found her self doing a lot of research about the topic
She started her book 5 years ago

13:00 min - Robust Conversation about Singleness

She got curious about the topic of singleness
Everyone has a lot of opinions about it
People brought so much to this conversations and she wanted to shift the culture about being single
Own and be honest about the narratives we all about dating and being single
Recognize where singles are giving up our agency

14:45 min - Myth of the Ideal Christian Women

We all know the myth is BS, but singles compare themselves to that myth
“We can’t get where we want by starting where we think we should be, but where we are”
She started asking how can we

16:35 min - Aaron's Realtionship Awareness

Aaron’s talks throwback to the stories we tell ourselves
“oh it’s me”
Getting past the weird awkward stuff because We crave certainty but we want the kind of love we want but know how to get there
But you can get too attached to the narratives we tell ourselves

19:10 min - What’s a funny story Mary B?

Mary B has a couple stories
Mary B hasn’t dated a whole lot and feels like everyone else has the rules of the road but not her
She dated high school into collage then got on dating apps in 2019
She had an anxious energy she brought into dating that was this idea that “I don’t know what I’m doing”
She lived in perfectionism narratives like “Everyone gets to make mistakes, but I don’t” and you should have know better

21:50 min - Mary B’s Mindset Shift

Mindset shift… “nobody knows what they’re doing”
She was able to show up with more confidence
There was a lot of Fear running the show… desire for safety and control… keeping it at arms length
You can get lost in the ring, instead of being a player
Play to win
Her approach changed to Be your most unapologetic

25:40 min - Mary B’s other dating story

She’s a recovering people pleaser
Matched on hinge, low stakes
Night before the guy sends a paragraph of expectations that felt like “who hurt you?” energy
Guy over apologized through the whole night
Brought a rose, but apologized for it

29:45 min - Getting over overthinking and over apologizing

It made Mary b realize a lot about herself
What do I think I’m accomplishing about showing up like that
You think you’re being considerate, but it’s not about the other person but about you
Not giving the other person an opportunity to get to know them and connect
Make a request with out the “no worries”
Shift the focus from does this person like me, to do I like this person
Not being mean to yourself or playing down what you love doing

33:50 min - Everyone is an asshole

The spectrum of ass-holery
Mary B took the joke too far
You’re not giving them an opportunity to see what kind of asshole they are
Mary B has derped the hell out of this episode

36:50 min - Dating has been successful

Mary B is in her hot girl era
Know who you are and own it
The more comfortable with yourself you can be the more fun it can be

28:30 min - The Opposite of trauma is humor and play

Do the inner work
You can become a self help junkie… another state of weirdness purgatory

39:40 min - Ruminating is different than just DOING the thing

Her therapist asked.. “Have you really been trying?”
Metaphorically getting punched in the face
Highs and lows and building resilience
Learning your boundaries and values by actually DOING the thing
Shift of having the lived experience that proves she has the confidence
If we all looked at the things we are most scared about and then went and do it

42:50 min - Does Mary B ask people out ?

She asks out men successfully
She asks herself “is there a reciprocation of energy here?”
She spent a lot of time chasing people who had no interest in her
“I love me and my anxious attachment style”
Not setting up a pattern of always initiating

45:20 min - Mary B likes “the co-pursuit”

She likes a mix of both
I’ve asked you out
Back to the second dating story where the guy was his most apologetic self
It wasn’t what she was looking for
Mary B doesn’t want to be anyone’s mom or walk on egg shells

49 min - The Masculine and Feminine wobble

If a man isn’t secure in who he is, it’s going to make a wobble between him and the woman
Roll your eyes at the the kind of trauma that you don’t want
Milk the weirdness
Mary B says “Never underestimate the value that bring to relationships and your community”

You can follow Mary B at on instagram @maryb.safrit and website marybsafrit.com

54 min - Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this episode …

Aaron talks with guest Dominique D’Vita about her past long distance that woke her up to using and coaching through the healing practice of Tantra.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

44 sec

Hindsight is always 2020, right?

Looking back at once pained us, can shift a funny perspective. And the funny and unfortunate relationship situation can be a powerful catalyst to find unique ways to change though we do things.

For my new friend Dominque she went from a toxic long distance relationship to discovering how the practice of tantra can change and heal you.

Often our wounds stem from childhood, and for Dom where she had to take care of an alcoholic parent, literally dodging a bullets when her mom came in with a gun, and having to be a parent to her parent. After overcoming people pleasing and being a sex worker in the past, she now teaches men and couples how to have a healthy sense of sex in their relationship.

She shares her story with me, and how tantra has helped her and others, one of the benefits helping you trust yourself and find discernment, and not just impulsively hooking up with people.. all that and more…

Enjoy.

3:20 min

Aaron watched Dominique’s “how to last longer in bed” video.

Dominique says, “Your brain is your biggest sexual organ because of neural pathways, and it’s great to start the work on your own without a partner”

4:30 min

Aaron asks Dominique about her long distance relationship

Dominique says, yea the guy was a real “winner” the

They were in an AOL chat room from 1997. When you wen into an AOL chat room you use to type A/S/L - age sex location.

You would have deep conversation, not thinking you were ever going to see this person.

7:20 min

Dominique’s strategy at the time was “the best way to get over a man, is to get under another.”

It was a great exchange and first. And Dominque ended up dating this guy.

9 min

Friends all though she was dating good man, and the relationship went on for 3 years

They had a lot of fun and they talked about getting married.

She had met his mom and his son. They got along really well, but that’s easy when you don’t see each other every day.

He had some problems with work, and asked her to reach out only at his house.

11:45 min

The story gets spicy. It turns out he was already married…

She went on a trip to go see him, and she had a suspicion. Then found a card from another women with a sentimental note.

She went to go see his mom. Dominique got home and called the number on the card.

His mom was playing along and payed dumb.

Dominque didn’t want anything to do with him any more.

15:20 min

He friend called and asked if she was ok but in that moment she realized she had dodged a bullet and only lost out on an illusion.

Years later he reached out trying to rekindle things, but she didn’t want to speak with him ever again.

She stop playing the same game she used to.

17 min

She decided she was never begin a long distance relationship again.

You don’t know what that person’s truth is. When you miss someone of course you’re going to have a passion to see them, but also not have a clear perspective.

A year earlier she had to get a restringing order from her past partner, so the long distance seem to be suiting.

There’s no consequence but you can fool yourself.

21 min

Aaron asks Dominique about “doing the work” then shares a quick dating story where the woman said she looks up guys’ background checks.

Tantra helped Dominique have a better relationship with herself and getting yourself out of that trap.

Looking back on her childhood, Dominique’s mom was an alcoholic and had suicidal depression.

When you don’t grow up without boundaries, you don’t think you need them.

23:20 min

When parents not being present to your needs, it’s easy to ignore the red flags.

The only way to belong is to neglect your needs and pay attention to your parents needs.

“They don’t need me, I don’t feel secure.”

Dominique has been focusing on taking

27:20 min

Being good in and out of bed came from being a good people pleaser.

Dodging bullets metaphorically, but when she grew up, she also had to dodge real bullets from her mom.

Orgasms are the fountain of youth.

28:40 min

Dominque was doing mad libs while her drunk mom came in with a gun.

If you don’t take care of your own sexual needs you’re more likely to lower your standard by not pleasuring yourself, more likely to hook up with someone that’s not good for you

It’s like going to the grocery store and getting junk food when you’re starving.

31 min

Dominique’s friend was married 5 times because she didn’t allow her self to have sex until she’s married.

There was a lot of purity culture in Texas.

32:25 min

Aaron asks Dominique how tantra has helped her…

The common misconception is you need a parter.

Aaron and Dominique are both fans of Sting, Tantra, and the police

Dominique had 5 hours of bliss and extended orgasm she calls a “soul-gasm”. It was a Kundalini awakening

She talks more about chakras and Energy Centers

36 min

Dominique couldn’t keep her head in the sand anymore. She said it was like Marvin Gay’s sexual healing

She had clients certain sex position saved their marriage.

Most people hit the glass sealing on their pleasure and don’t think you can go further.

When she opened up her chakras she had better relationships with all other people.

Breathe, Sound, and Movement are the foundations for healing Trauma,

Tantra was the gateway drug for Dominique.

39:20 min

Movement is like the song “Dance yourself clean” by LCD Sound System. Dance like no one’s watching.

You hit a higher frequency.

40:50 min

Here are some more benefits of Tantra…

You start attracting better relationships.
You can speak up more
You realize you’re not a victim

Dominique’s mom used to only care about “good looking men”.

Her Toxic Confession is a quote from Marylin Monroe “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

She use to get way more angry than need be, but not a way to be accountable to yourself

45:30 min

Dominique mentioned there’s not enough safe space for men.

It’s time to break the cycles and patterns

A lot of ancient tantra is now nervous system regulating techniques

She’s got a lot of pushback about her work but Dominique doesn’t perform anything sexually. Most clients don’t meet in person.

48 min

Aaron asks whats the divergence between having your own self study vs hiring a tantra coach?

Dominique says its hard to integrate self-study, we don’t know it on a body cellular level

Coaching yourself is hard because you don’t see your own blindspots/

Orgasmic manifestation is about tuning into your power.

50:20 min

Why do we have shame on the thing that created us?

Other ways tantra benefits you…

Amplifying law of attraction
Manifest define partnership

She says we’re always manifesting whether we are aware or not.

If you’re not able to receive, do you have a big enough energetic body?

If you don’t feel worthy, you may push it away.

53:20 min

Clearing anger, shame, and emotions…

Dominique helped a couple in their 60s have the best sex in their life.

Emotions are just energy in motion

Dominique’s techies for emotional release…

Primal yell
rage writing
Emotional writing release
Shaking off after anger. Tantra calls it the Shiba Shake
Saying to yourself, “Hey emotion, I see you”

Diss-ease in the body means there’s disease in the body

60 min

Looking back..

BS means blindspot and bullshit

Patterns repeat until we learn.

When we hit rock bottom is when we become willing to make a change

You can connect with Dominique here..

yestantra.com

www.youtube.com/@YesTantra

instagram.com/yesdvita/

It’s been hard to have a sex positive platform, but it’s actually healing people from shame.

53 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Jenny Rain returns to co-host an episode with Aaron about their holiday relationship workshop “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” where they share 3 Keys to have a stress-free holiday season with family and friends.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec

Jenny & Aaron’s intro…

This is a special episode with a special guest and co host, Jenny Rain to talk about our Holiday Workshop.

We hope to spread some cheer.

Jenny is all about spreading cheer.

The workshop was called “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” and it was a lot of fun.

It’s all about learning how to love your friends and family during the holidays when relationship patterns show back up.

This was the 2nd annual workshop and we had some different things that came up for people.

There was a lot of problems we discussed.

The top 5 problems we talked about …

Dealing with the pressure of being in soooo many places at once & ending up exhausted after the holidays!!!
Having a lack of meaningful connections and quality time and people don’t think about that until they show up.
OLD stubborn patterns on repeat like…
1. Feeling guilty when we speak up
2. Feeling less than by certain friends/family members
3. Or family holding us to the 11 year old versions of ourselves
4. Attitudes from in-laws that we have to navigate. When you’re inlays become out-laws
5. People become resentful for carrying TOO much responsibility for having to do ALL the holiday preparations & not having support

Aaron was also talking with a client about how to co-parent during the holidays.

We covered 3 keys for a stress free holiday…

Don’t Deck, Connect
Master Courageous Communication
Unleash Invincible Boundaries

It’s amazing how people go back and boundaries become the overwhelming elephant in the room.

Aaron mentions that Jenny talks not only about personal boundaries but time and environment boundaries.

There’s a lot of good stuff.

Enjoy the Holiday Laughs.

WORKSHOP

4:50 min

We like to start the workshop off with our favorite Ram Dass Quote…

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

Family is a great revealer of all of the shadow work.

Jenny shares some Stats…

69% of people in the US argue with loved ones during the holidays.

66% People say they feel more stressed out during the holiday season.

3 out of 5 people feel their mental health is adversely affected by the holidays.

Aaron Jenny are going to take you on a journey.. as you go into the holidays with loved ones, you will have a holiday melody that carries you through.

We are going to share some heartfelt stories.

Have some Healing Holidays.

6:50 min

What We are Covering Today…

1 - Cultivating Safe enjoyable connections with family and friends while staying sane. 2 - Experience epic and authentic communicate that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.

3 - Unleash a sense of invincible boundaries that break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family and friends.

Let’s make this holiday season the year you break patterns instead of decking your family.

How do you want this holiday season to be different ?

9:45 min

There’s not a lot of space for people talking about Adoption and what that’s like during the holidays.

Stay grounded and authentic during the holidays into 2024.

10 min

Aaron’s Story…

If we’ve never met before or you’ve getting familiar with my world... I’m Aaron Tosti.

I’m so grateful to be aware enough to know that my partner was not my problem, my wound was. And that has given me the FREEDOM to be my most Empowered, Unapologetic, Authentic Self

There I was... at the lowest point of my life, lying on the floor distraught after a heartbreak, knowing that I had “sabotaged” a relationship, but even AFTER it was over, I was STILL attached to the idea of trying to “make it work”. I had trouble being focused at work, enjoying time with friends, and even went through a series of rebounds.

If I was to change what was going on outside of me, I had to change what was going on inside. (slow down and focus on what was going on internally)

I had to get support, meet with coaches, friends, a therapist and be around people I could trust to create a safe space for me

I had to do self-study and get back to feeling like myself again. I literally stopped listening to sad music was was perpetuating my depression, and started listening to my favorite comedians to get out of my state

I had to COMMIT to new healthy habits and boundaries. I stopped drinking, smoking, I started putting healthy things into my body to eat, I got really clear on my “no’s” and where I was over committed. And what wasn’t serving me.

If I wanted my a healthy new relationship, I had to break up with my own unwanted patterns. I was single so I begin to heal the patterns within my family and close relationships.. FIRST

Now I know that to heal harmful relationship patterns, you have to heal yours.

And that’s possible. Many people think they have to look outward and DO MORE to “fix” their relationships. when the truth is you have to look within and REVEAL it to heal it.

Consider how important your relationships are... What does love really look like for you?

Do You have some patterns that you don’t think about much but during the holidays it’s like they all resurface.

What if you took radical acceptance and responsibility and didn’t see your loved ones as problems, but and opportunity to heal your wound.

14:45 min

Jenny’s reflection..

When you are dealing with heartbreak during the holidays, it can be excruciating.

Jenny remembers spending the holidays painfully single having family members ask about when you’re going to get married.

15:30 min

Jenny shares her Story…

The first time I set a boundary with my family, even nature celebrated the win.

Perhaps it was because I was 34 when it happened and I had gone a lifetime living without boundaries in my family, so when I was finally able to set the dang thing... it was a big deal. Nature noticed!

I grew up boundary-less. On one side of my family, boundaries were non-existent. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have them. My mom hadn’t learned them, so she had no idea how to teach me how to create them.

The net result on that side of the family because of a lack of boundaries was enmeshment and triangulation.

I got pulled into a lot of spaces as a child - a lot of fights and conflict. My house sounded like a freight train ran through the middle of the living room at times.

The fury of family fights was all consuming. Avoiding the hair trigger that would set someone in my family steaming felt like I was tip toeing barefoot on wine glasses... trying not to shatter them. It was a constant dance to try and avoid the chaos.

It went on like this for years. All through my childhood..

I will never forget the day everything changed. I was 34 and visiting my mom and step-dad for the holidays. By this point I had completed 2 years of trauma therapy and extensive work on boundaries.

My mom and step dad were storming into conflict and at one point my mom turned to me and tried to triangulate me into their fight.

I didn’t take the bait. Instead I said, “your conflict - doesn’t involve me” and left.

It was a massive moment for me. It was the first time I had set a boundary and said “no.” Something in me broke wide open the moment I said no. Something long buried sprung to life again. It was glorious.

As I walked to my car, I glanced to the right and at that VERY moment a daffodil popped open and unfurled to reach the sunlight.

I was awestruck. It felt like all of nature was celebrating with me.

That was step one for me of a VERY long road of healing. A road I am still on today.

I continued in supportive therapeutic & coaching to help me identify the patterns that trapped me in patterns that kept me in the same toxic cycles with my family. Patterns like: Being the good girl; people pleasing; fawning/freezing; or the opposite - oppositional defiance.
I came to accept that my family was most likely never going to get the healing they needed so that meant the work would have to come from ME.

The reality of the dynamics in one side of my family is that my family has not chosen to do the healing work - so as a result..

I have had to set stringent boundaries with my time with them.
Always a start and end time, clear parameters, clear communication guardrails, BECAUSE they aren’t taking responsibility for their mental health, and I’m choosing not to do the emotional labor for them, my holidays thrive to the level of the boundaries I have set.

We are not one big healthy, healed family -- but I have found a way to be in proximity to them that doesn’t devastate my nervous system.

I now say “no” to mandatory holiday gatherings when I need to... Does it make me sad that one side of my family has chosen not to do the deep healing work that would allow close, intimate relationships to occur in a safe way? Yes.

We want to have loving relationships, but I’ve realized it takes two -- and if the other person can’t meet you in a similar capacity, there have to be boundaries in place.

20:30 min

“Make your boundary big enough so that you can be in your own integrity so that you can give generously” - Brene Brown

It’s ok take care of yourself, your own family and your partner.

How are you at setting boundaries with your family? - What about your partner? Ever had nature celebrate your boundary?

21:30 min

Key #1 Don’t Deck, Connect

Problems you may encounter…

A relative or friend that drives you insane
Parentification
Toxic people in your circle
Family/friends holding you to your past self
Feeling obligated to show up a certain way

…feeling forgotten, left out, and abandon.

…passive aggressive

What happens when you start to get healthier.. people say “you’ve changed” and

24 min

Aaron talks about looking at relationships with compassion over comparison.

…Not seeing your family as a threat

… Having compassion and seeing that we’re all humans with a wounded history

…Learning how to emotionally become centered and regulate, relate, reason

Two dysregulated people can’t come together.

25:50 min

It can be challenging, we may want to deck our family instead of connecting.

That also means having compassion for self.

Jenny’s practices

…Awareness of environment

Take the time you need to yourself, and putting on your oxygen mask first.

Taking of your mask if you’ve been the “nice” guy or girl in the past.

If you’re nervous system isn’t on board, you’re not going to be able to connect.

What does it mean to be an authentic family member ?

27:30 min

Aaron shares a short story..

Your family members are just humans with a wounded history.

After a devastating break up I started noticing how I was showing up around my family.

I would shrink and feel small.

Seeing a sibling with similar wounds showing up in a different way.

It’s good to have empathy and understanding, but compassion is letting someone off the hook.

… I see you and that part of you thats wounded.

28:90 min

When things get heated Aaron asks, “What if..” And goes for the reframe with compassion.

Compassion isn’t peacemaking.

Jenny’s thoughts…

Service oriented healers, practitioners, therapist have a challenge because we get why other people are doing things, give space and compassion, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the behavior.

You don’t have to violate your boundaries to make amens.

30:50 min

Jenny’s shares her Client’s story..

She had been raised by a Narcissistic mother and married a Narcissistic partner

She said, “I started to wonder, maybe I deserve more than what I've been accustomed to creating in relationships? That's why I came to you....”

“I'm a creature of habit. I don't like my habits. They're not good. I don't want to be here anymore! When I came to you for help I had decided, ‘We're not going to do it my way. I'm going to try yours.’” She told Jenny that her program has equipped me with a… - relationship blueprint, - a set of beautiful boundaries for myself, and - I have found the agency and courage to use them both.”

I had a massive takaway in the boundaries -- how important the beliefs are around boundaries, and that there is a COST! to not having them.

“I'm light years ahead from where I was before! Your program gave me incredible tools; You elevated my awareness of who I am.

You elevated my potential for relationships.”

That’s what this work is all about. You come out with skills and tools to enjoy your relationships.

33 min

Key #2 - Mastering Courageous Communication

Problems you may encounter…

Not feeling safe to talk about uncomfortable topics, like politics, religious views, cancel culture
Feeling triggered and not knowing how to create a safe communication style
Continual misunderstandings and assumptions that lead to arguments

It’s hard Being Courageous conversations with all the “isms” and phobias

Listening without formulating a response

Hold space to get curious over confusion

Listen and ask question over assumptions.

It lower the other persons threat response, and the nervous system start to get in-sync.

36:50 min

Aaron’s shares a story about an interaction with his mom

When you can tell someone else in their threat and activated response.

… what’s underneath is fear.

There was a hurricane in Florida, Aaron lives in Tennessee, and his mom was in California.

She was sending him all caps text messages telling Aaron to “get out of there”.

In the past Aaron may have said some dismiss sarcastic things.

This time he knew she was in fear and serval, and he asked her “what’s scary right now ?”

It changed her tone. And it calmed her.

And that can help people co-regulate together.

Jenny says, “thats a really great question for women.”

39 min

Jenny’s feedback and practical advice…

Learning to catch ANTS an automatic negative thought

For her she caught her self thinking,“What’s wrong with you?”

Slowing down is your superpower.

She realized that there was nothing wrong with her.

Catch it, grab it, examine it, and respond differently to it.

40:45 min

Aaron’s Client Story

Sometimes our patterns are hiding in plain sight.

His client was already engaged to the man of her dreams, and she was still struggling to find approval and love. She was trying to get her partner to see her value. She got lost in trying to prove her self.

Everything she worried about was in her head.

Many times it’s the negative conversations in our head that need an interrupt.

Our pain gets so loud some times

Change the lens and the perspective.

42:45 min

Key #3 - Unleash invisible boundaries

Problems you may encounter…

Neglecting your needs to meet the wants, needs, or demands of others
Felling unseen, unheard, mute or inauthentic
Tired of being a mediator, savior, or rescuer of others
Being scared to set a boundary
Fear of disapproval or backlash

There’s an opportunity to know when to repair a rupture.

Also Knowing when to walk away when it’s a hot moment.

Providing a buffer if there’s toxic energy.

Help your partner without going into a codependent caretaking mode.

Understanding What’s about them vs you.

Use proximity, environment, clear language, and asserting yourself when setting boundaries.

45 min

Jenny’s uses Scripts which she got from Terri Cole

A lot of times humans go into freeze mode, you have the words ready right in front of you.

If she and her partner have a conflict, she pulls out a script.

Watch out for narcissistic Schedule bombs.. bombing changes at the last minute and expect everyone to change for them.

Go back to the original plan.

47:10 min

Aaron brings up caretaking vs care giving and knowing the difference.

If you are caretaking, then you’re wanting something out of it.

Aaron Client’s story…

She doubted herself around a toxic Aunt.

Her husband said “Press eject” from the thoughts that are holding you back and keeping you stuck.

Don’t take emotional responsibility for the other person.

Interrupt thoughts and that will interrupt behavioral patterns.

So what do you want your story to be this year ?

Go from ___ to ___ in ____ amount of days/months.

What will that look like for you ?

50:35 min

Jenny and Aaron Outro

We hope that you enjoyed this years presentation of Deck the Halls, Not Your Family and that it equipped you to have a fun holiday and be memorable for all of the right reasons.

You CAN cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.
You CAN experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members and friends.
You can use YOUR invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.

Take Action and get support..

Maybe you are hoping for support.

Jenny and Aaron are offering Pay What You Can Coaching during the Holiday Season to a select few.

You can connect with Aaron here..

Aarontosti.com/yourempoweredself

You can connect with Jenny and book a complimentary call with her here…

jennyrain.as.me

We would love to encourage you to have a wonderful holiday season.

We want you to love the crap out of yourself and your family.

Have some jingle bells, tinsel, and your favorite holiday songs.

Merry Holidays !!

53 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Aaron talks with Angie Pollachi about her perspective on healing trauma, but not taking trauma too personally, and shares some funny moments from her own personal life

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

45 sec

A lot of people take their trauma personally...

And it should be taken seriously, but sometimes

...Maybe people think that they’re crazy or that they’re the only one

or that they need to hold onto and cling to it.

But trauma is just a thing that happens and your body hold onto it to protect you from happening again.

Until we unburden that past experience from our nervous system we'll continue to stay stuck

My conversation with Angie Pollachi, who has a great sense of humor and who learned in the same camp about trauma and the nervous system.

How the nervous system has different survival responses like hide, fight, freeze, fawn and even passing out when you get to overwhelmed.

She has a unique look at unpacking trauma, healing, feeling liberated from trauma and it starts with knowing that we’re all human and to not take it so personally.

Angie is a Somatic and Emotional Healing Coach.

Plus she shares some funny moments in her dating life and going into relationships with a "growth edge" approach.

Enjoy.

2 min

Angie’s gets asked out in a weird way..

She got asked out by a German women who switched from German to English, “ I find you sexually attractive”

Angie didn’t know what to do but said “thank you but no.”

4:10 min

Aaron has learning to accept more compliments.

In the past Aaron has past Aaron couldn’t receive them, but now he takes a 2 sec pause to acknowledge it.

Aaron grew up around a lot of sarcasm.

But it’s like buying someone coffee, at first you might want to push back but instead say, “cool I’ll receive it”

Don’t attaching a big story to it.

6:40 min

Aaron made a smooth move on his own birthday breakfast and paid for it.

7:30 min

Aaron makes Angie’s official introduction. Angie Irish, Scottish, and italian with a side of Catholic guilt.

Angie is interest in anything within the human experience.

She was in Marketing for a while, then found other things and did Yoga teacher training for 3-4 years.

9:30 min

Angie thought there’s more to it than this and started looking into the emotional side and what’s underneath ?

Embody emotional experiences.

Feel your emotional experience but also do the thing.

She wanted to learn more about patterns and behaviors.

11:50 min

Feeling liberated and not being defined by your Trauma

Trauma conjures up quick dramatic things. Like “fireworks of explosive experience.”

But there is also “candle moments”

But then what is it like to walk around a massive room full of candles.

We’re looking for the explosive but it’s the little ones that surround you

14:45 min

Learning about the little moments that build up, then you get stuck.

Trauma work helped her understand “I’m actually not that crazy”

You’re just a normal human.

It’s the continual pattern that makes us hold onto stuff.

Aaron loves one-liners

17 min

It becomes a lifestyle shift in your approach.

Trauma hopefully won’t be such a hard pill to swallow in the future.

Making it less stigmatizing.

“We’re searching for things that make sense of our experiences” - Angie

I’m the problem its me.. thanks T.Swift.

20:50 min

We’d all be better if we went into relationships seeing it as a growth edge.

Intermittent everything.

What do you really want that’s in a romantic relationship.

What would I have to do outside of my comfort zone.

Saying “I’m so empathetic” might be

Going into all relationships as a growth edge

Everything should be “intermittent”

23:10 min

Aaron asks Angie about growth edge dating early on.

Putting awareness into action

24:10 min

A moment with a friend impacted Angie about always picking the wrong person.

She noticed she triggered her friend, where she touched on something sensitive but with an iron fist.

25:30 min

There was a part of Angie that wanted to apologize for hurting someone, but the next level up was asking “how did that feel for you?”

It person Angie into the place to hear.

Sometimes the need to apologize can be for trying to make yourself feel better.

Take in to account the other person’s experience.

41:40 min

A lot of people assume that if you don’t say something then there must not be a problem.

A healing moment of both people needing awareness.

Taking more responsibility in it myself.

We all need awareness.

30 min

Aaron still responds to the Computer voice.

Angie apologizes to escalators and revolving doors.

Soon escalators will start responding get triggered.

Angie gets bitchy with GPS’s

32:10 min

Aaron gets mad at walk signs that say “wait.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

Aaron might start coaching the walk sign.

33:20 min

Angie’s chicken joke about the patriarchy gets really intense.

34:10 min

How much of our culture is wrapping ourselves in bubble paper so that someone else doesn’t get hurt.

Polarizing on both extreme’s so that we get somewhere in the middle, so that we’re not stuck in divisive spaces.

35:30 min

A lot of it is coming from your nervous system states.

Getting past the “stuckness” in the nervous system.

36:46 min

Fawning is more like gas and brakes on at the same time.

The other way to say it is turtle, tiger, possum pass out

Aaron said he was trying to be stoic but really he was fawning.

37:30 min

Angie “ I thought that was an endearing quality, turns out to be a trauma respond.”

You don’t want to unpack yourself so much you’re just an empty travel bag.

If the clothes are memories it’s like looking at all of your stained clothing.

The “inner work” get’s complicated

39 min

Angie’s Jeans analogy around working through trauma.

How much effort are you putting into it?

Aaron says, “this is dark but what about the abusive narcissistic jeans that still feel comfortable”

41:30 min

Aaron loves Angie’s analogy around trauma and healing.

It’s like Dating, going into a clothes store and trying on different jeans.

How is AI effecting the dating world?

43 min

Angie says the AI is helping with communication in Dating.

Aaron says it’s like the same dating problems but amplified.

Angie asked, “Is AI just disempowering everyone ?”

Christmas cards are going to get real involved.

45:50 min

We didn’t get into anxiety vs intuition.

Where to get in touch with Angie..

Free regulating things and other things

Aaron gets Angie’s last name spelling

Instagram.com/Angie_P_coaching

Aaron jacked up Angie’s last name trying to make it more Italian.

44 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Aaron talks with Jaden Hummel about how she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life, whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and shares about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

45 sec

Jenny and Aaron Holliday Workshop

Aaron:

Are you secretly dreading the holidays?

Jenny:

Maybe you’re thinking about that ONE family member that always grates on your last nerve…

Or the friend who inevitably will create a drama triangle RIGHT before a big event

Aaron:

You try to make the best of it but behind the scenes you just want the holidays to be OVER already

Is this you???

Jenny & I invite you to join our free annual workshop, "Deck the Halls, Not your family: 3 keys for Stress-Free Holidays"

This entertaining & informative workshop will give you practical tools to not only SURVIVE holiday gatherings, but have a darn good time with them as well

Jenny:

We'll dive deep into three essential keys, specifically designed to help you THRIVE and enjoy your holiday gatherings with family & friends…

Key 1: Don’t deck! Connect!

Cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.

Key 2: Communicate CONFIDENTLY

Experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.

Key 3: Master Your Invincible Boundaries

Unleash a set of invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.

Aaron:

If you're ready to have a heap of fun and get hyped for a holiday to remember, grab your garland and tinsel because this workshop is tailor-made for you.

Jenny:

3:10 min

Alignment.. what does this word mean?

I’ve heard this term often in the coaching world, in the spiritual communities.. what does it freaking mean?

I bought good friend Jaden Hummel, to talk about this. She has a coaching program called Exponential Alignment, This is what she does, she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life. Whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and even what lights you up !

I find what she does really interesting. So many times in the coaching world they talk about goal setting, but she actually has a slowing down process.

She talks about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow. With out any other further due.. here’s Jaden.

4:25 min

Jaden is Aaron’s hero about the topic of alignment.

Who started talking about alignment? Abraham Hicks?

Jaden says she has been thinking about alignment since she was in the womb.

First time Jaden was not aligned was working at a marketing agency.

Her health and energy levels took a hit.

7:25 min

Aaron quotes Jaden from instagram.

“Alignment isn’t just your career path, it’s how your values align with your decisions.”

Bro marketing is not primal, no one else is alive is calling web funnels are “primal”.

Let’s not forget those little decisions that make you aligned.

You pick your career and do it the best you can.

What actually matters is our relationships, the way we interact with the earth, etc..

You should do aligned work, but let’s not forget what life is… the decisions that make you whole.

10 min

Aaron says that Your purpose chooses you, and your career comes alongside your purpose.

Don’t put so much pressure on a capitalistic career

“When you follow your energy & highest alignment - you’ll always be led to the right people, places, and opportunities.”

“People think it’s a risk to take a chance on their dreams, when the real risk is to live a life that doesn’t align to your soul.”

“The scariest thing you can do is live a life that isn’t aligned to you”

- Jaden Hummel

12 min

Jaden talks with People all of the time about alignment.

The number one regret of the dying, is wishing they were more true to themselves.

We are here for a reason.

No identity crisis, want to head towards who I am.

14 min

When you’re doing things you like, you are in a good mood.

When you’re in a good mood, you smile and talk to people

Being in good energy

Thats when you’re open to synchronicity and the most magnetic.

You’re being in energy of receptivity.

Only way to have opportunities is to be in good energy.

When someone is doing well in their life, you want to be around that.

16:40 min

Aaron ran into a different version of himself at a coffee place. They had studied all of the same things. That guys was living his purpose.

We need the energy of alignment to feel good about the stuff thats tough.

All we want is energy and to feel good.

19 min

Whats not working? You’re not doing something that lights you up!

It’s always as simple as alignment.

All clients are perfect little snowflakes.

Community and conversation around what I want to do and could be working.. it’s not something you figure out in one month… it takes a lifetime sign up.

It takes community and constant reflection.

It’s not about whats missing, it’s about whats getting in the way.

Are you down for the alignment conversation? It’s a slowing down.

Setting goals is good, but alignment comes first.

We don’t just want money… we want to be happy and have energy.

23 min

It’s hard to market.

Aaron says to Jaden, “ You really believe in what you do.”

People don’t want to be sold anything…really.

They want more of what they are attracted to, and less of what they are repelled by.

Making money and exceed goals is good, but not without all of the other things.

Set your business up to function like nature.

Our alignment is our soil, if you have good soil anything is going to grow.

It’s so simple, yet we over complicate things.

25:50 min

Aaron asks Jaden about alignment in relationships…

Relationships also need good foundations, and “soil”

Relationships highlight everything.

Alignment for Jaden is knowing what she values and what matters to you. It would be misaligned otherwise.

Are you willing to stand for what matters to you?

Being able to understand what matters to you, then have the ability to share that. It gets you where you’re going.

28:20 min

What you value and what you care about is in “the soil?”

What you’re growing on is clean like honest communication.

Does this feel good for both parties?

Bring alignment out of your head and into the world.

30 min

All relationship health comes from awareness.]

Jaden is constantly speaking, so she’s usually not missing a beat.

31 min

Jaden tells the golden moment about her and her partner meeting.

She had a bad concussion, and she couldn’t snowboard.

Jaden happened to go to Chris’ Art Show. She had just smacked her head.

She had a guided meditation and vision to live in CA.

People claim that it was Chris’ rockstar moment. Starting his career, turning pro, and meeting the love of his life… but the relationship ended moving slow.

They had to communicate a lot. There was a physical move that had to be made.

34:20 min

Jaden met her partners parents at the same time.

Aaron Talks about “If the Buddha dated” and crawling into love. And it’s more about bonding over time.

Slowing down and really enjoying life. Also enjoying each step of the relationship journey.

People need to enjoy the moment, instead of being in a rush.

36 min

When you figure everything out… you’re dead.

Jaden is averse to people being in a rush.

When you try to get past where you’re at, then you’re going to get to the next part and not enjoy that.

It’s the same with relationship

37:40 min

Not so urgent and attached, which brings in the coping mechanisms and stress.

Imagine if you spend the whole time worry about the other person when you’re not together.

Jaden is cautious about wasting the moment away.

40 min

Practice intermittent caring. Care about the thing that’s in front of you. When the mind wants to move away from that, then you’re not really present.

The relationship is solid, so Jaden doesn’t spend her time worrying.

Back to alignment… creating a life that has integrity.

Giving yourself the ability to not have to worry about someone.

Just f*cking communicate, and do what feels good and respect other people.. so we can all enjoy life.

How can this be simple ?

Go to therapy if you can’t figure it out.

41 min

Wrapping up.

If it’s in alignment you can give me a call.

Be a self sustaining being of alignment.

Jaden has a program called Soulship and other called Exponential Alignment.

Jaden’s Podcast is called: Everyday is a Breakthrough

https://www.instagram.com/jadenbhummel/

Let us know if you got something from this and you enjoyed this.

If it feels true and good to you. Do it.

Cheers

44 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Tamar Gail makes a redemptive return to talk with Aaron about healing from an abusive relationship while sharing a funny dating story, the best compliment she's ever received, and how important being your authentic Self is in dating and relationships.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec

Beginning Narration

Welcome back...

If you've just tuned in to TKOL Podcast. There's been a little shift.

Over the past 10 years I've been doing self development work, and started this podcast as a way to share what I I've learned as a Coach..

...but it just got so serious there for a minute. And I realized that sharing peoples stories is what's most impactful.. and when we can look back and laugh at the past, it shows we've evolved forward.

My guest this episode is Tamar.

She is returning as a redemption to a past episode. She talked about connecting to your sensuality, but at the time was recovering from an abusive relationship

So she's back to share that story and how as a women of the healing arts, she has found it vital and an expression of self-love to return to the inner work after a toxic relationship.

Tamar is a teacher, coach, spiritual guide, shaman with 24 years experience in women’s health, holistic healing, wellness, feminine shamanic traditions and natural birth.

If you’d like to connect with her you can visit tamargail.com or find her on instagram @tamargail

She shares some funny dating stories, the best compliment she's ever received, and we talk about how much being your authentic Self is so important in dating and relationships..

… and some of the healing work she’s recently been up to.

2:15 min / 3:15 min - Intro to Tamar

Tamar does all of the healing things…

..and she is a certified Doula

She has not practiced since she was in France.

Tamar loves putting the power back in women’s hands.

4:10 min

Tamar’s been in the healing arts since 1999

4:30 min

Aaron Talks about how everything you want is on the other side of the “inner work”

Tamar says, “and thats a good intro for me to Make Up for Last time”

Last episode they had such a good conversation before the episode and didn’t know what to talk about when it came time to record.

Tamar had taken a 2 year sabbatical from her work.

Last podcast, Tamar had gone through an abusive relationship and had ignored her inner knowing.

She could not understand how someone doing similar work as her could be so abusive.

6:50 min

After Tamar had a divorce she walked into a toxic relationship, but her heart wasn’t open.

She was in lock down, he broke her leg, and put a knife to her throat.

She thought it wouldn’t effect her, but when she returned to the U.S. she realized that it did.

She got back into the healing work for herself. She sat at her parents in the forrest and did all of her work.

8:50 min

The part that was missing was that Tamar knew she had to get back into a relationship to heal.

It was scary at first, and the first person she met was a “test” and he was very similar as her ex.

She started to trust herself this time and the next few men Tamar dated were incredible.

…little by little it helped.

10:40 min

Aaron said, “It’s changing the purpose around your relationship.”

Tamar said, “It’s made me stronger”

“It brought it back to you” - Aaron

11:20 min

It’s like instead of going into relationships to see what you can get out of it, go into them with the purpose to heal.

What does a secure relationship look like ? And not be so tied up in an anxious outcome.

It teaches you to be secure within yourself.

Each can bring a balance to the other in a healthy way.

13 min

The most loving thing Tamar had to do for herself was coming back to herself and doing the healing work.

God and the universe said “Nope, you’re coming back to do the work.”

This was a good mirror for Aaron, he’s been integrating mind, body soul

14:20 min

Love yourself through the things that come up in the present moment.

Honor where you are and go a little deeper each time.

15 min

Aaron asks about the funniest way Tamar’s ever been asked out.

Tamar said the guy who was a “Test” chased her down the isle and he said “does that mean you don’t date”

She prayed “God you’re going to have to send some guy to my front door, cause I’m not going out.”

17 min

One pet peeve that Tamar hates is when guys go “pst” to get her attention. She would ignore them and they would keep doing it. So she would turn around and tell them to open a door.

Who wants to be called out with an animal noise?

18:25 min

When new followers who advertise to him, Aaron says “hard pass.”

Aaron got AI dating advise … on post was about “pan-dating” and another was a laptop and on the screen is says “before you date someone have them use a computer with slow internet.”

19:30 min

They say to wait a few dates in to catch red flags when you’re in early dating.

Tamar is herself and does that for a reason when she dates.

Aaron asks, “Please be your authentic self.”

Being an empathetic person you can tell when someone isn’t being authentic.

Aaron Jokes… “Show me your most inauthentic self first.”

21 min

Tamar talks about how authenticity is so important.

When we can be our authentic self first, it attracts who likes us as our authentic self.

Tamar likes when she meets guys in her bathing suit with no make up.

Go be you.

Tamars favorite compliment is “you’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met”

It means someone likes you for who you truly are, and that you’re different than everybody else.

23 min

Tamar shares a story about a great date where she opened up about this vision she had.

And her date was really in it with her, and told her she was the weirdest girl he had ever met.

It means a man sees a women like no one else.

“We’re falling in mutual weirdness together.” - Dr. Suess

25:50 min

Tamar talks about a workshop and zoom call she did after getting back to the healing work.

Welcome to the redemption part of this episode.

Tamar talks about the 3 activation points to step into your embodied feminine.

She encouraged them to breath into the pelvis and just by doing that, it’s so important for activating feminine energy

You are activating your life force energy.

28:15 min

Being totally aware and that present is not something we're used to, so it’s retraining the body.

It’s fascinating how the breathe is so simple, but so important for healing trauma.

Tamars journey brought her to her traumatic birth

She would hold her breathe while running track.

Aaron also went into the incubator when he was born due to shortness of breathe and possible brain damage.

31:20 min

Aaron’s been focusing on his breathe, and stirred up a lot of emotions.

Kick boxing helped Tamar move through trauma.

Like yoga, you are being present and noticing whatever comes up.

Tamar says we don’t realize how the first few minutes of birth can have an effect on how we create in life

Aaron mentions how it also effects your attachment and proximity to mom or a nurturing caregiver.

34 min

Tamar is back in Miami, grounded and doing breathe workshops.

Breathing is so powerful for healing trauma.

Her client was working through all sexual energy.

The kundalini energy joins in the heart, and can bring up something on a collective level and heal trauma in a somatic way.

It releases DMT in the brain.

36:45 min

Dreams were coming up for her client around having intercourse with someone, but that was her working through the shadows.

That person represented another aspect of her.

You’re healing and accepting parts of yourself.

It has to be integrated instead of ignored.

That shadow part was created to protect

38:14 min

Aaron gets “tweaked” when talking about “self love”

Cause you’re talking about loving those parts of yourself.

Tamar says “it’s not all like this, but one client went home and astral traveled.”

It brings new meaning to the phrase “getting high on your own supply.”

39:50 min

Tamar’s been studying a new course and getting clear.

Tamar is in her flow !

Tamar said, “It’s been good to catch up, Aaron. It’s been too long.”

40:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Aaron talks with his very first self-love client, Kira, about how she went from past toxic relationships to relaxing into a safe, secure relationship with her husband.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec

Beginning Narration

It’s funny how things work out sometimes. How we go through different phases and chapters in our lives.. and hopefully learn to laugh off the past, having a leg up on the future.

And when it comes to having a great partnership, it takes a level of self - awareness to understand how you are showing up in a relationship, what patterns you bring with you, and understanding what you really want so you don’t self-neglect, and say yes to something that’s in your best interest.

My guest this episode os actually my first self-love client, Kira.

I invited Kira to share her story, how she was a little nervous getting into a healthy relationship, because when you become familiar with unhealthy relationships.. it can feel anxious getting into a relationship that’s actually secure, safe, and feels good .. because.. you’ve never experienced anything like it before or had that modeled for you..

So Kira shares her story about relaxing into a secure relationship, getting engaged in India, and a a funny story on a toxic ex she used to date before she met her now husband.

2 min

Where it all began… on zoom.

Aaron asks what Kira is up to now.

Aaron met Kira she was dating her now husband and now she has a family and bought a house.

Aaron brought up how the different pockets of LA are for different eras of your life.

3:55 min

Kira’s introduction & enneagram number…

Aaron Introduces Kira as… Mom, Enneagram 3… dominating and winning. OBVIOUSLY.

Kira was already down with the enneagram before coaching with Aaron. She is a Big Taylor Swift Fan and things Taylor is definitely got to be an Enneagram 3.

Aaron and Kira joke about how you can’t tell other enneagram types what their number.

6:10 min

Aaron thanks Kira for coming on to the show and reminds her that she’s his very first self love client.

Kira found out about Aaron and hired him as a coach after listening to an older episode of TKOL Podcast.

Kira grew up as a Southern Californian evangelical.

She wanted to reach out because of the framework Aaron was using to coach and she felt like “he might get me”.

7:50 min

What Kira got out of coaching around “the stories we tell ourselves” doing the inner work…

She has just got out of toxic, abusive relationship and into a new relationship with her now husband.

She knew the patterns she was in.

She didn’t feel good enough for the love that she wanted

9:05 min

Aaron remembers their first discovery call…

Kira was taking about comparing herself to to other people.

It was that feeling of always talking down to yourself, that Kira and Aaron could relate to.

Aaron said he remembers laugh because Kira on the first call said, “I’m already engaged to the man of my dreams.”

She was having a hard time connecting all of the pieces between everything she had always wanted, but didn’t feel all of the old spiraling feelings in the toxic relationships.

She asked Aaron for guidance.

10:30 min

Kira asked her self, “Is this real love? Am I really in love or am am I taking advantage of this guy?”

After having an unhealthy pattern in past relationships and realizing she might be the problem.

She wanted to shift the pattern.

Aaron says, “Sometimes things just become familiar, so the unfamiliar becomes unsafe.”

She thought she might be leading this guy on, and she wanted to be all in.

It wasn’t like the past relationship where people slam doors and run out into the street and say “no wait you’re the love of my life.”

“I’ve never felt grounded and at peace before… something must be wrong.” - Kira

12:50 min

What made Kira shift and want to move forward in the relationship.

Kira answered, “I coached with you.”

Aaron asks Kira was the marker for knowing that “this is a yes for me”.

13:35 min

Kira was able to relax into the connection…

Kira said she realized she could relax into a safe relationship.

… a feeling of safety and green flags.

She didn’t have to worry that he was playing games, go anywhere, or not see her value.

14:05 min

Aaron asks about negative self talk..

He had given Kira some positive practices to combat negative thoughts.

She stopped trying to over analyze and shot negative thoughts down.

She said, “This is good ! It’s like learning a new healthy version of love”.

Instead of shooting down your partner, shooting down your own negative thinking.

15:17 min

Looking back now, what was the biggest impact…

Kira shifted the way she views love in a positive way.

She has higher expectation for herself, her relationship, and Husband

She now tries to remember to practice not thinking about herself or circumstances as negatively.

16:15 min

Catching yourself is the victory…

If you’re overthinking facing self doubt, or comparing yourself.. it’s about catching yourself.

Kira says sometimes the pendulum swings to saying things like “I’m neurotic deal with it.”

Aaron says, “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”

Kira is proud of her neurosis.

17:38 min

Love that part of yourself…

They both laugh and Kira comments... are you sure you don’t want that other coaching call?

Sometimes comedians can be dark but there’s a level of playful self desperation

18:33 min

How Kira and her husband started dating…

Kira and her husband used to work together, but she was going through a bad break up with someone else.

Her now husband was respectfully flirty with her. He was always light hearted and never over the line

20:11 min

Kira used to call her husband “party boy USA”

Her friend challenged her.

Kira just assumed she’d quit her job when her husband was straight forward when they dated

He asked Kira if she would delete the dating apps if they were going to be serious.

21:16 min

Kira appreciated that her husband said, “We’re adults lets communicate clearly.”

It gave Kira the space to make her own decision.

He pursued Kira in a non-needy way and was direct and clear.

22:35 min

Kira says, he’s still like that after 5 years…

Her husband doesn’t like therapy.

We don’t diagnose in coaching, just to be clear.

23:20 min

How her husband proposed…

He took Kira to India.

Kira was genuinely surprised.

Jewelry in India are called “ornaments”, they all went to the jewelry store and there were guys with guns out front.

It was a hectic process of buying ring.

25:07 min

Here husband gives her the choice for how she was getting engaged...

Kira thought the engagement was going to happen at the end of the vacation.

She was wearing traditional Indian clothes because she was told they were going to a fish festival.

But they never needed up going.

27:50 min

He gets down on one knee…

He takes her in his mom room and asks if she wants to be apart of his family.. forever.

It was a sneaky way to get her all dressed up.

It was all a surprise set up.

28:40 min

Kira was Sent a picture of the ring in the box by her husbands daughter, and asked “Will you marry my stupid dad?”

They had a big dinner instead of the fish festival.

29:42 min

Aaron asks, “was that TKOL you wanted?”

Kira says “I’ve been amazed every day”

Gone through phases, and it keeps getting better

30:24 min

Aaron says “ I had nothing to do with this, you have a magical relationship.”

Kira said coaching with Aaron helped her relax into a sense of safety.

She said her husband was so sure, and she didn’t want to be unsure.

31:38 min

It’s a choice to love someone..

Getting clear about the relationship

Coaching with Aaron helped Kira sort through the unwanted patterns.

32:34 min

Kira is winning and the Enneagram 3 affirmation Jar

Kira won the relationship with herself.

Kira is winning at life.

33:02 min

Remembering past weird dates…

Kira has other friends with weird love stories that are invited on the podcast.

Use to be with abusive people

34:12 min

Kira’s Ex told her friends he wasn’t an alcoholic..

He tricked her into by saying, “Just between you and me”

Friend thought Kira was drunk all of the time...

Wasn’t romantic, but abusive…

35:55 min

Looking back as an adult and a mom now

Kira realized she her ex had Creeper vibes

911 had to tell Kira‘s ex that he wasn’t gonna die.

37 min

Aaron asked What does self development/therapy world needs

There’s a lot of reflecting to a place of pain

Celebrate growth, and feeling good.

Sometimes there’s too much self diagnosing in the self development world.

38:30 min

What post traumatic growth

Not feel trapped self development purgatory

39:29 min

Thank you, Kira!

Can we laugh about the past and move forward?

46:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with Relationship Coach, Jenny Rain, about facing conflict in a healthy and even sometimes funny way. It’s about telling your truth, being heard, and how to navigate emotional activating moments.

SHOW NOTES Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec

Beginning Narration

Everyone loves conflict right? Ha!

If that were the case I think a lot of life would be much easier to navigate if we could embrace conflict better and learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.

To help unpack that conversation…

I'm excited to introduce you to my friend, Relationship Coach and fellow trauma-informed practitioner.. Jenny Rain.

Jenny and I met in the same trauma-informed practitioner camp. We share a similar sense of humor about the process of healing relationships.

We chat about doing our own inner work while going through the trauma-informed process, share each other’s approach to conflict, plus some funny, helpful ways to bring the inner work into conflict in a little lighter, accessible way.

Jenny is finalizing her PHD Candidacy and also brings other modalities like brain spotting into her coaching.

We cover a lot in this episode about the inner work, being a wounded healer, power dynamics in business, emotional regulation, playfully responding in conflict, responding in kindness and honesty, what to do when you are emotionally activated/ triggered, conflict resolution between men and women… and it all ends with a funny story on how Jenny's family dealt with conflict during the holidays.

It might get serious, it might get funny.. here we go..

2:15 min

Jenny able to people that are deconstruction from religious trauma, and it’s so interesting that relationship and relationship healing are so similar.

2:53 min

Aaron said that everything in the last year and a half is a ironic bitch slap in the face by the universe.

After become a trauma informed, life purpose coach… he feels like he lost a sense of purpose and got re-traumatized for a moment.

3:35 min

It’s about the wounded healer…

No one tells you how much the inner work is going to help you, but you have to do the work.

Aaron starts to tear up sometimes when helping clients.

4:33 min

“The wounded child I see in you I see in myself.” - Aaron

The patterns and parts in the client reflect where you’ve been.

But you can’t let the wounded partner drive.

Jenny teases Aaron for typing “Thera-couching… and Aaron replied with “Siri is gaslighting me.”

Talk about a toxic relationship right ?

5:37 min

We are going to talk about our favorite topic.... CONFLICT!

No one has to deal with conflict right ?

Jenny was shocked at a statistic that said that Women avoid conflict at twice the rate of men, and are least likely to repair.

The #1 question Jenny gets is “How do I handle this conflict?"

Jenny helps them have a healthy framework.

It’s like the angry women wondering if she should walk on egg shells. Women can read the room, and back out before they step into it

8 min

Especially the Power dynamics in Business settings, conflict gets really uncomfortable.

If someone hasn’t had healthy conflict modeled as a child - people are either aggressive or avoidant Kid’s aren’t taught how to navigate conflict.

8:50 min

Aaron and Jenny joke about how Aaron loves conflict. Aaron loves to take on all of the conflict of the room, and let the mind de-web of inner chaos.

People have a hard time saying what's true for them, and that seems whats underneath.

"How's the other person going to react based on my truth "

Jenny says to be totally honest and totally kind, but as this necessary at this time?

But if anything hijacks you, it seems like that frame work doesn’t exist.

10:45 min

That’s called emotional disregulation.

But you have to get to center in the order of regulate, relate, then reason.

Aaron tells clients, it's ok to feel totally of, and just PAUSE the conversation.

Jenny talks about certain times to talk, her rule is “No conflict before coffee.”

Jenny says it’s about learning to have certain safe phrases when conflict comes.

Some times Jenny’s partner verbally processes talk over her internal processing.

Jenny “will just say “I need a minute" and Pause

12:50 min

Aaron has heard of couples using playful cues. They will play hide and seek, liking hiding behind the couch. It pulls in PLAY which is the opposite of trauma and toxic behavior.

When Jenny gets activated, she gets lost for words.

14:00 min

When Aaron gets active, he breaths.

Aaron is a man of few words, and often stumbles over his words.

So Aaron practices a lot of active listening.

The chatter in the mind that is happening Aaron notices it, but knows not completely address it when listening to someone else. It usually comes back.

Allow yourself to slow down, and say what you mean.

Knowing when someone is not ready to hear what I have to say.

15:20 min

Aaron was in a group open conversation. Everyone had already said their piece, so all said was”I feel x y and z, and asked "is this the best response?"

It’s a small statement and a question.

16:00 min

Ideas are like arrows, straight and to the point. Aaron has had to do a lot of practice around that.

Jenny reflects on Aaron handling conflict and said Aaron has a calm steady presence.

It’s about stepping outside yourself and look at the 40k ft view to ask the best healing question. And also doing reflective listening. Taking time out before we come to judgments

17:20 min

So much of conflict is the somatic stories and the meaning we give it in our brain.

Some times you’re flooded with emotions.

It’s about slowing down and putting distance between you and an activated part. Shockingly enough it is possible to stay regulated in conflict

18:30 min

Aaron says that everyone should buy a boxing bag and have a room where they work out the activation.

Men amaze Jenny, “Guys can go out side, punch in each other in the nose, and now we're bro's" It’s about moving through the emotion

Jenny said we’ve lost the ability to have healthy conflict and "the public square”.

People don't know how to fight fair, and hit below the belt.

You can’t have a satisfying relationship with someone if you haven’t learned the skills to have a disagreement in a healthy way.

20:30 min

That comes from the greater global community, where we’re loosing the ability to debate and have dissagreeemt… the micro and the macro.

It’s like hiding behind our cars

I watch a friend tear up after expressing herself fully, because it’s scary, as the peace maker, to share the truth.

21:30 min

Often women are conditioned to be the "good girl”, and not take the lead or us their voice.

Women are silenced to not be able to state their needs and wants, and when they feel safe to express themselves it becomes vulnerable.

Create enough space for her, to express herself..

If a women can speak her truth, she feels safe, welcomed and validated.

23 min

The hardest lesson for Jenny was not to run from conflict in a relationship. If she had a need or want, she had to ask.

Jenny had a conversation with her partner where she told him “it’s more important to be heard than to get what she wants.”

Her partner became a student of her, and her needs and wants.

Her partner said, “I need to know" if this is one of those moments.

Be able to hold what we want for need in conflict, is massively helpful.

25 min

Jenny tells her clients that don’t feel heard in conflict…

It’s about honesty, so communicating that you’re not being heard.

Is it a pattern or micro moment? I need to stop you, and I just need to know I’m being heard.

You can't make someone hear and understand you, it’s physically impossible.

It’s more important to hear your voice than get what you want.

If you’re noticing that it’s a pattern you have to ask if this is going to be team player or not.

Is this a one time thing or a pattern?

27:40 min

Jenny asks Aaron what he does.

People can get hung up on the micro moments being patterns.and think

Aaron shifts things in the moment. You are always showing and teaching someone the response that you are looking for.

Aaron is all about the PAUSE.

Whats the response that you need right now?

Give yourself what you need and what's in your best interest.

Like saying, ”um but", I could have held a pause there instead of trying to get to my point faster.

Whats the response that you wish that you had?

You get the power to negotiate that moment with yourself

Model and Mirror back what you want to see in your relationship.

30:15 min

What Jenny saw Aaron do in the course correction in the moment, can be true for conflict.

Time out and say “I need to rewind and let me try that again"

Remember that conflict is not a contest, then get curious, course correct, and show compassion. Always remember that you're on the same team. You’re not fighting against each other but going towards a goal.

Don't make a micro issue a relationship defining moment.

32:25 min

Thats the straw that broke the camels back moment.

It’s the moments when we’re extremely activated and it’s asking yourself if you’re "in it" or "with it”

When you're activated, triggered, and in your whammy.

Be with that micro-moment, not in it. If you let that take over that becomes the somatic narrative.

If you get hijacked by your part, the conflict is being driven by that traumatized part.

People get hijacked and Jenny asks "who am I fighting with right now?" .. it's like a mask over who they are.

Conflict patterns come from family over origin dynamics.

Jenny says it's like “boxing with ghosts”, when a part of someone is fighting with a past family member.

35:55 min

Conflict is one of the best revealer of the inner work. Bingo Jenny you got it!

Thats just a part of that person reacting, so start naming your parts.

Can that part go off duty for a moment.

Being attuned to whats going on.

37 min

Aaron asks Jenny what she would suggest as first steps for someone who's thinking about getting a therapist or a life coach.

When you can't solve the issue, and you’ve done everything you can think of it. When you’re dating the same person different name with same issues.

Some people go straight to therapist, but Jenny would like to see people explore trauma-informed coaching. Therapist are becoming coaches now.

Aaron makes alphabet jokes...

Just get help.

38:45 min

Jenny tried for several years trying to do it on her own but it always got her back to the same place.

The only thing that Jenny knew was best to get support.

Jenny's partner is so thankful for her therapists.

People need support getting through relationship issues.

Jenny's teaches rupture and repair tools.

It's tools not tactics Aaron.

Jenny is launching her course called Courageous Conflict and another short workshop on Boundaries.

It’s about not being so fearful of conflict.

If we can get better at conflicts, all relationships will get better.

40:40 min

You've got to know the terrain and the “conflict landscape”… with landmines

Some people are walking landmines.

Jenny's funny way of disrupted a conflict and bring levity…

One side of Jenny’s family is conservative and the other is super liberal.

And the family would sing “Happy Holidays” carols

42:30 min

Cory Wong has a reel on instagram where the new boy asks about music, the family gets into a fight over music.

And then then new boyfriend ask “so what do you think about politics?”

Each family member had extreme political views, but didn’t let politics get in the way

But Aaron likes the caroling… just find the one thing that you have in common.

44:40 min

This was fun.

Aaron loves chatting and asked Jenny back to bring the arsenal of modalities… parts work, IFS, and all of the things...

Jenny is a PhD candidate and will be hopefully be finalized by March of 2024.

Aaron's on the sideline rooting for Jenny !

46:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Aaron talks to his good friend and branding consultant Wendell Moon about what your personal brand really means, and Wendell shares some funny stories about dating a con artist and more.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti and Eric Hood

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

40 sec

Beginning Narration

I’ve been waiting for quite some time to introduce you to my good friend Wendell.

He’s apart of how this whole podcast got started.

Think of this episode as behind the scenes, letting you in on what this podcast is all about.

A while back I met my now good friend Wendell Moon, a Brand Architect and Coach.

He helped me think about my personal brand and strategy, and kind of a thumbprint you might say for how I wanted to approach TKOL.

I was really passionate about taking what I had learned as coach and my own self-development journey, and getting into the hands of others

Feeling like this was long form content, I asked Wendell to help me, and I thought I’d bring him on to tell that story, why I’m circling back to telling funny stories.. and you’ll hear about what he does.

Branding, Networking, Building a business all seemed impersonal and I had a lot of resistance at first.

Wendell brought a fresh perspective about personal branding.

It helped me think differently about it and creating a podcast that would evolve..

Plus Wendell shares some funny dating stories..

And in true friendship form, Wendell and I start off the conversation bantering…

1:45 min

Coffee talk and riffing about monks, hops, gift shops, and scented candles.

3:10 min

This is Wendell and Aaron’s routine and rapport, to riff for about 5-10 minutes before it gets serious.

Wendell and Aaron oscillate from serious to ridiculous humor.

4:10 min

Wendell got introduced by someone saying, “Wendell has A LOT of energy”.

They walk away from their time together always laughing. It’s like leaving through the “laughing gift shop”

But thats why Aaron brought Wendell in for an episode… It’s about lightening the load and bringing levity, but also… You gotta show up if you want to get it done.

———

5:30 min

Wendell’s “first love” story…

You never really know someone ‘til you’ve laughed with them.

A mentor said to Wendell… “If you love someone, sit down and do taxes with them.”

It’s important to do those real life things with your partner

It’s important to carve out time with your partner.

Time is never kind but it’s always available to those that decide it’s important.

7:20 min

“If you believe in something you have to make time for it” - Wendell Moon

Time is another word for attention. When we say “I don’t have time” , we really mean “we don’t know how to give it attention.

Woah, You just killed my vibe bro !

People have a hard time, eating their vegetable, they need to put ranch on them.

Quickest way to being a victim is throwing your hands up and saying “I don’t know”.

9:00 min

Wendell is a recovering people pleaser, and an Enneagram 3 with a strong 2 wing. He likes to help people, but he got too much identity out of how others feel.

There’s a lot of similarities between Aaron and Wendell grewing up in California in a conservative Christian culture.

Wendell had a college counselor assume some things about him because he was homeschooled.

Wendell had lived a lot of life before college.

12 min

Wendell was suppose to go through a special program. He had to take a test for it, then nailed it.

Wendell’s mentor was one of the first people that changed his mind about himself. Up until that point Wendell thought he wasn’t smart.

13:45 min

Be humble but know your worth.

When we are talking about business relationships we are just talking about relationships. It’s really that simple. We complicated because we put expectation on others that are not based in real time.

Wendell has a big, strange, robust imagination.

Learning how to speak up for ourselves without reacting to the other person, is a powerful thing to learn.

Enjoy being you, enjoy life and having fun, and be a little more clear about what you need

Aaron gets relationship-y and talks about seeing the reflections in your relationships.

It might get loud, serious, loud and fun…. It’s all apart it

The most empowering thing is to ask what you need.

Find the freedom to be your most unapologetic, authentic self and attract what you’re looking for.

Thats when you really show up for yourself and become an active participant in the engagement of the experiencing you’re having.

———

16:40 min

Aaron says, “This is ‘the conversation about the conversation.’ and then gave Wendell a hard time for name dropping Rob Bell.

Do you feel the love?

Aaron brings up the podcast title and then jokes about how Wendell used to call it “THAT kind of love”

Originally, Wendell suggested to Aaron to set up the podcast episodically, which set up the TKOL Podcast to evolve.

———

19:05 min

Wendell shares another Love Story…

Wendell found out that he dated a con artist.

He found out sipping Manhattan’s talking to his buddy who had dated the same person at the same time.

They laughed so hard the restaurant staff had to come over to check on them.

They both got played! They lost the relationship but they won the lottery, because they both dodged a huge bullet.

21:40 min

We just can’t see everything when we’re “in it”. This is why we need relationships… we are relational beings.

We need people to call us out on our 💩

Wendell thanks his wife for calling him out when other people were taking advantage of him.

She helped him begin to reassess who he was giving his time and attention.

Wendell says, “Think about your ROI in your relationships.”

Take care of yourself so you can more effectively take care of others

If your needs are not being met, getting met move on.

23:50 min

People talk about being burnt out, but what are you giving your time and attention to?

You keep eating, drinking, consuming, and being around toxic things and people, no wonder you’re exhausted.

It’s the Zen of it all. Aaron talks about relationship as 3 energies… give, take and receive.

If you’re giving too much of your time and attention to something that’s not serving you, well then don’t give your time and attention to that thing, cause it’s not giving back what you’re here to do, be or experience.

Aaron Tosti

———

25:10 min

What Wendell does…

Some say “ Wendell BS’s for a living.”

Wendell gives a quote from Gutzon Borglum who sculpted Mount Rushmore instead of telling us what he does.

“The faces are already in the mountain, it’s my job to bring them out.” - Gutzon Borglum

Thats what he does with branding, Wendell is a Brand Architect.

Helping Business leaders artichect brand experiences.

28:40 min

Aaron says, you gave me the full experience, before the pitch.”

Wendell says, “You lose people with the elevator pitch.”

For a min lets get to know one another.

Be human and share what’s relatable.

———

28:35 min

Aaron brings the conversation back to the con artist relationship story and asks Wendell…

“Was that TKOL you were getting that you didn’t want,

or … was that TKOL you wanted that you didn’t get.”

Wendell says, “Both”

Wendell’s relationship patterns… he had a trend of being the “savior” in his earlier relationships. He was always trying to save or help someone.

It wasn’t until his friends pointed it out

He would date bright, beautiful, aspirational women, and then be ghosted for weeks. They showed back up like nothing was wrong.

The people Wendell dated would be surprised when he asked very simple questions like… “Where have you been for several weeks.

Last thing he knew they were on the beach having fun talking about spending a life together, then he was ghosted for 2 weeks…. WTF ?

We don’t get to go backwards, but we do get “do-overs” as we move forward.

Looking back, that was a moment Wendell could have spoken up for his needs.

There was always a “victim story” from the other person.

32:05 min

So much of Wendell’s past relational patterns came from the environment he grew up in.

It was a culture where he was required to “help everyone” and be the general manager of the universe.

Wendell had other people call him out and help him see these things about himself.

This is why it’s important to have a therapist.

Therapists help you see things that you cant see for yourself.

Ask yourself, “What’s the role that I want to play?”

Do you want to enjoy your life, or do you want to be holding a heavy projection of yourself?

34 min

Relating to what Wendell was saying, Aaron shared that he got called out one time for dating “projects”. But, they’re people not projects.

That’s not the kind of love I’m looking for…

Wendell grew up in a lot of Trauma. And then he had to help people in high stress environments.

But… We go with what we know.

Am I attracting the things and people and relationships I want?

When we have clarity and find joy… we attract different kinds of voices.

35:45 min

Another love story… Wendell goes on a Tinder Date, before he meets his wife… also on tinder.

Wendell went on this tinder date that went from 0 to 1000 in 3 dates.

They were ready to come and live with him by that 3rd date.

It was going to be Wendell helping someone out of a hard situation again.

There was a lot of tears when he said no.

37:45 min

Don’t mistake intensity for intimacy….sometimes we don’t know if it’s a trauma response.. butterflies can be a trauma response.

And sometimes the intensities can pull us into roles we don’t want to play.

What Wendell was doing for work had a lot to do with rescuing people.

Don’t translate your competencies from biz relationships into romantic dating relationships.

You can’t get hung up on our partner’s words because of semantics, and then use that against them.

That was something Wendell had to face in his marriage.

Especially when our Identity is wrapped up in what we do not who we are.

____

40:40 min

This can happen with people where your identity is wrapped up in what we do, instead of who we are.

Wendell helps brands effectively talk about who you are not what you do.

We don’t like being sold to.. and we don’t like marketing

We want to connect with people that bring meaningful connection to our lives.

People that matter, you make time for.

It’s important for those making this world better, helping people get better, and are committed heart centered work…. To make sure the relationships in our lives are not on your to-do list.

43:30 min

Wendell shares getting better with business boundaries.

If we’re not careful we can confuse boundaries with isolation and rejection.

“Quietly work, let success speak up.” - Coors

It’s important to do the work.

“Freedom is on the other side of discipline.” - Wendell Moon

“I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell

45:25 min

It’s about being present.

We osillate from the present and the future.

This is often where people experience burn out is living both in the present, and years into the future

If you really want to set goals take care of you and those closest to you, then plan.

Be present, sharpening your axe, chop wood, rest and repeat.

…then zoom out and dream.

47:25 min

Aaron thanks Wendell for being apart of his journey… not being in the trenches, but along side.

… and for the Birthday Roast.

Wendell thanks Aaron.

And then there’s the short Japanese Whiskey Story where Aaron brought Wendell whiskey at 8:30 in the morning for a Branding Session.

Peace out !

49:20 Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this solo episode …

Aaron talks about the return to the podcast while sharing a bit of his self-development journey. He’s bringing it back full circle to the original idea his friend had… to tell funny love stories. ‘Cause love get’s weird sometimes... tell me about it.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Eric Hood

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES Intro

00:00 min

Welcome back everyone... this is the official unpause of TKOL Podcast.

I have taken a break, only to return with a new tone to this podcast ... returning back to where it started and why I call it TKOL in the first place ..

I went through my own personal discovery starting with an emotionally focused therapy, and then love coaches that taught me about mindfulness, and then coming full circle into understanding the body and nervous system.

To sum it up.. I have a mind body and soul approach to healing and having healthy relationships.

And I want to take a lighter look at it…

:45 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

1:00 min - The conversation

Why did this podcast get so serious ?

Hi I'm Aaron, I’ve unpaused things at TKOL Podcast.

I wanted to give you an update, a pep talk, and a tell you a bit about my journey up until now.

2:15 min

I went back and listened to the first guest with my friend Josh who originally sparked the idea of the podcast.

I shifted the conversation for a while about the stories we tell ourselves, and the deeper meaning.

3:35 min

But, I just wanted to remember that love can be funny ..

I went on a date, and I was putting a lot of pressure on it and my friend said to me “It’s either going to work out or be a funny story.”

Sometimes we go into relationships and put all of this pressure on relationships and it’s like that scene in Tommy Boy.

But, can we take off the heavy facades that we carry around trying gain social approval and just love people once in a while?

5:30 min

Warning, this might get rant-y, funny, weird and even deep.

I tend to go deep and introspective, but talked to my dad and he said, “I don’t understand, can you hit me with the bottom line.”

Let’s hit dad with the truth

6 min

Sometimes you have to take a pause…

So you can go deep and unpeel all of the layers of your life... but then finally ask what is all of this anyway?

Can I just have a night where I’m dating someone and we’re just laughing on the couch.

The reason I paused was that things were just getting too heavy and deep.

7:20 min

I now reached “self development purgatory” from so much deep stuff.

Maybe you’ve worked with the stories we tell ourselves and other “thought work”

Maybe you’re working on an emotional approach to better health.

Maybe it’s about your physical health and getting stronger.

… I went down that rabbit hole.

I’m more of an analytical and so “the stories we tell ourselves” made sense.

Like the 90’s movie “Big Fish”... it is how you tell the story.

9 min

Mental health is really about emotional health

I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations trying to manifest my love life and business in to existence.

You can change your thoughts all you want, but you have this whole thing below your neck called your nervous system that can take over and put you into a survival mode.

I also got into the enneagram and other elf- help stuff.

10:25 min

Ten years ago I was sitting in front of a therapist how I messed up a relationship.

I started questioning my own patterns, but it got so serious.

But I needed to look within and do the inner work.

I wanted to change the patterns of my past and relationship patterswhich got me into all of this work.

11:25 min

It all started with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy), talking about my emotions.

Noticed I was repeating myself and my patterns and what I was taking… AND it was getting kind of expensive.

Then I worked with "love" coaches and they helped me see how we become self fulfilling prophecies.

13 min

I got into all of the mental health things/

I started with mindfulness, observing my thoughts, and it helped me quit smoking.

It’s a form of “narrative therapy”.

But I did a lot of mediations

14 min

I would meditate and feel good for a few hours and then go back to feeling like garbage.

Why I am still sad, depressed, and stressed ?

But I was ignoring the body.

Started doing work with Mastin Kipp who has brought awareness around the idea of how we wire ourselves for relationships down to our nervous system.

I went down a mind, body, soul path.

Let’s acknowledge all of it.

For instance, anxiety is really great for outrunning a predator, but not helpful when.

16 min

Brace yourself here comes a heavy word... trauma.

I heard that the opposite of trauma is humor and play, and I thought to myself “I’ve been going at this all wrong”

17 min

The podcast started with a very funny idea of Josh’s, and I’ve gotten away from it.

It all started with a funny book title

Introspection is interesting, going

But, Like can you also tell me a funny story?

Laughter is letting go and healing your wounds. So We’re going to start laughing from now on.

We’re going to start sharing some weird stories.

18:50 min

I can't live in the "heavy" for too long... I need a pattern interrupt

Life can be light and easy and fun sometimes too.

And I just wanted to tell you that we’re changing things up.

19:40 min

Let’s have Josh back... write it in the review section that you would like to have Josh Hernandez back on TKOL Podcast.

I’m going to have some other familiar people back like coaches, therapists, and maybe even family.

I got “Why So Serious?” From the the movie, the Dark Knight.

Let’s get back to humor and play and long form content.

21:30 min

Told you a little about my journey.

I and ended up coaching for my childhood therapist, it’s like your favorite band asking you to play with them if you were a musician.

22:30 min

Thanks for listening. We’re going to start having some fun.

Take a screenshot of your review about Josh Hernandez and send it to my DM on instagram.

And I’ll give you a surprise coaching session.

23:22 min - Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening,

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

Thanks again,

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, returns this week to talk about how she found the key to being a high-aching women through self-love and time managment.

christieheppenstallcoaching.com

instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES :25 min Aaron narrates

Self-love Language what is that? And what does that have to do with Time-management?

And what if moving forward and up word meant taking a moment to step back and examine how you’re running your life.

I brought Christie Heppenstall back in the second have of this conversation to tell you all this. Christie helps high achieving women, and typically moms to up level their life.

We only have a limited amount of time in our life to experience what we want to experience.

Many times if you are running your life on a high level and not paying attention you can run into burn out. You can even lose a relationship over this and not even be enjoying the life that you’re living based on the stress involved trying to be a high achieving human.

So what if you took a step back to really examine your life and ask what’s serving you and not serving. With the limited time that we have, you can do more of what you want to do.

I Christie works with time management and self love strategies and help those that want to enjoy the business and life they’re living.

2 min

Christie has been coaching for 20 years in a business and sales environment. It always comes down to the beliefs that people hold.

Now she focuses on time managment and productivity in personal 1:1 coaching.

Christie looks back over the last 10 years and wishes she had some one show her these skills, and now she’s passionate about helping other women in the same spot.

Christie was needing to find the perfect hack to make it work to try to have a sense of control and feel like she has a place in the world.

4 min

Now she works with women to help them recognize these common traits of really ambitious women. But the same formulas don’t work for business as they do for relationships.

Aaron asks about the lower and higher brain process and how it effects time managment and loving yourself.

The lower brain wants to do all the actions that give us the reward like checking off the to-dos. But you’re actually in autopilot.

But thats the least loving thing you could do for yourself and Christie argues that with others.

It’s all the energy and place you’re coming from. If you’re coming from a place where your cup is full it will be different with whatever you do.

All the days add up of to your life, but you’re doing it from a more authentic place when you’re taking care for yourself.

It’s not going to land the same way because your not loving yourself

6:30 min

Christie suggests getting outside of your bubble and outside of the chaos, no social media.. it’s an exercise to be with yourself.

And then you write down your genius moments of clarity when you are your true self.

Start with what do you actually want in your life. Christie suggests planning out your eulogy, it’s a little dark, but it gets you to think bigger.

You’ll have a bigger reason why.

8:30 min

It’s taking out time for yourself to craft out the legacy and life that you want to leave. Thats the most self-loving thing you can do.

You’re going this with your higher brain, your pre-frontal cortex. It’s whats best for you in the long wrong.

The lower brain asks what’s good right now, which will be a completely different result.

To do lists are toxic and shame and guilt inducing.

9:50 min

Christie’s way of replacing the To-Do List is every Sunday evening she sits down and gets everything out of her brain.

You get everything out of your head that you feel you have to do. Half the battle is getting it out.

You cross things off that others could do or what doesn’t aline with your goals.

You add in what self care means to you. It’s taking time for yourself. Add it all to the list

12 min

You put it all into your calendar. Like booking a trip to Austin, you decide how long it’s going to take ahead of time.

Christie highly recommend morning time of 20 min before the kids get up.

It starts with yourself. The Oxygen mask analogy can get people pleasy if we’re still doing it from a place of only doing it for others.

14 min

Christie’s future self would tell her past self just to slow down and write down how you’re thinking and feeling.

When you Slow down it will speed you up for what you really want in life.

You’re one thought away

15:50 min

Christie typically helps high performing women with a couple gives and realize that something’s got to give.

The problem internal struggle is perfection, people pleasing, and when you do something it doesn’t feel authentic.

They are overwhelmed because they look at their schedule and realize they have to do it all.

The real help is discovering what thoughts and beliefs have us in this season of life.

17:50 min

The women Christie works with are looking for peace, purpose, and simplicity.

You can contact Christie on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com and her instagram.com/christieheppenstall

Christie gives a detailed 5 step program for ridding your to-do list.

20:10 Aaron Closes

Thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and you rethought having a better relationship with yourself around time management. I’d love to know about it. Please leave a review and tell us your experience or share it with a friend.

If you’d like to connect with Christie Heppenstall you can find her on instagram.com/christieheppenstall Coaching or on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com

If you are hurt and heartbroken and would like to reclaim your self-worth and feel confident and whole again I’d love to support you.

Feel free to follow me on Instagram.com/AaronTosti or connect with me at thekindoflove.com.

You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you.

View Details

bettermenfilmclub.com

instagram.com/bettermenfilmclub/

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES ::29 min Aaron Talks

Thank you so much for listening. There is so much content out there. There is so many people with microphones in from tof their faces. So may movies.. that I appreciate you taking the time to listen to this.

We’ve had so many moves that have shaped us. When I started this podcast it came from this idea that we can attach ourselves to other peoples stories and characters in movies.

In the first season of TKOL I talked about movies and songs that shaped my early years and thinking.

Recently a friend and fellow coach Nick Flora, who’s been on the podcast before, has started Better Men Film Club where men get together and talk about the deeper meaning behind movies and the characters.

I thought I would bring Nick back to tell us what he’s up to.

2 min

Welcome back Nick ! Aaron talked about the movie High Fidelity in the first season and nick says thats the perfect entry point to Better Men Film Club.

There was a lot of one demential feelings in movies from similar movies. And Nick says when we were younger we dated girls cause they had our favorite bands T-shirt on.

4 min

BMFC is a space for men open p the capacity to go deeper

Nick and Aaron are a different breed of men who like to look underneath and ask deeper questions.

Aaron Talks about rob Jordan being self involved and how he related a lot at a young age to the character and even his transformation.

6:30 min

Nick says to take the next step to do something different instead of being surface level or one demential.

Nick says whatever makes you look at things outside of yourself while you’re also going in and example

A lot of time people attach themselves to stories in movies, like Aaron’s friend did with Back to the Future.

7:50 min

Aaron Asks how Nick facilitates the BMFC. Nick just restarted it. And they talked about the movie Stand By Movie and immediately shared things together.

If you went to tell a story about your childhood you would just repeat what you’ve told before but through the lens of a movie it makes you rethink and resurface new things.

11 min

Nick says we are visual creatures and sometimes it takes relating to a Character in a movie.

Art allows us to see something different about ourselves.

Nick says it’s like an empathy playground to Relate to different characters

13 min

It’s a gateway to looking at deeper emotions.

Aaron says because he’s seen men taught to suppress anger, he’s related to characters like being The Hulk with anger and about to go green.

Aaron Mentions another episode why men need each other.

Nick says men could understand that what we’ve been taught sometimes is actually the opposite like vulnerability.

Vulnerability is strength not a weakness, like asking for help or admitting that you don’t know something.

15 min

Historically a lot of white men has looked stupid because we were closed.

But asking for help is a power move.

Nick has learned so much by shutting up and listening. He says it’s important that we shut up and listen to learn more

16:40 min

Nick mentions the Chris Rock and Will smith slap. And what if we asked more questions about that ?

Do your family feel safe when you respond in violence?

What are you doing that you think is one way that’s actually coming off another way ?

18:30 min

Aaron asks what if Will Smith would have paused to reframe that moment. What would have been a different outcome ?

Will had so much time to rethink, so many steps to reconsider.

20 min

The messages we’ve been told through movies is to stand up and be a man. But, It’s our jobs as humans to be more evolved.

Aaron and Nick joke that BMFC is like fight club but just punching our emotions.

Aaron asks how this has made lives better.

22 min

It’s invited men to have more conversations and rethink the way they’re doing things.

Nick says we’re the first generation to be more inclusive and a little more in touch.

Men walk away rethinking their relationship dynamic.

24 min

Men are taught that if it has too much complexity to drop out.

Men are attracted to the machines.

Men wishing things for simpler.

Nick says we need to Understand that men have both feminine and masculine. Men tend to only tap into the masculine because of society.

Able to listen to a song and watch a movie and have emotions around it.

27:30 min

Nick jokes that he comes with a lot, it’s never a little… like the Catalina wine mixer.

Nick would like BMFC to grow. It’s like writing a song. You dream big. Just let it be what it is.

29:30 min

It’s the butterfly effect. You can’t change the whole world, but you can change your world right now. You only have control over that.

What are we doing if we’re not trying to be better and hopefully heal trauma.

Take that and pass it along to the next person.

31:30 min

Reimagining our meaning that we’re making up around our experiences.

Which character do you connect with?

You can go to bettermenfilmclub.com and sign up for their events in April.

32:50 min

Podcast is going every week with nicks friend who’s on a similar journey.

The podcast is equal parts movie nerd and equal parts looking out ourselves

Aaron could spend a lot more time but

34 min

Aaron Talks about how Forrest Gump gets him every time and his emotional intelligence.

He accepts everyone and accepts his callings.

Nick Flora, FG says yes to his calling and just loves everyone he comes in contact with.

He has mental issues but no qualms with who he is.

36:30 min

Aaron says, “Yes Forrest. Life is like a box of chocolates.”

37:20 min Aaron Closes

What do you think about attaching yourself to a character in a movie?

If you want to conned with Nick on every platform under Better Men Film Club.

If you are hurt and heartbroken and wanting to heal from a past relationship and find self-worth. You can reach out to me.

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You.

View Details

Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, joins Aaron this week to tell her story about how she stopped the cycle of high-achieving mom guilt by changing her thoughts and drinking habits.

christieheppenstallcoaching.com

instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES :25 min Aarons Talks

So since I’ve started this podcast it’s been centered around having a better relationship with yourself and reframing, rethinking, reimagining what it looks like on the life and love you desire.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself if what you’re doing is serving your higher good and the good for those around you.

Life happens, things come up, habits get forms.. you continue grow into who you want to be or someone you don’t want to be. It’s more about how you respond to life relationships love all of it

This weeks guest is my new wonderful friend Christie Heppenstall who is a transformational coach that works around time management but her discovery around being a high achieving human and the coping mechanism she fell into..

A very socially acceptable copy mechanism… A glass of wine.

every day to lessen the stress around being a high achieving businesswoman and mom.

I think for a lot of us and especially if you’re a parent who is also having a full-time job or a business owner it’s easy to slip into habits that make the hard parts of life even harder.

Really wanted Christie to start off by sharing her story around how she freed herself from mom guilt by stop drinking.. and continued her path as a high achieving businesswoman… just by observing her thinking.

3:30 min

Christie Begins telling Aaron her story about how she quit drinking.

She had equated her achievements at work with her self-worth.

6 min

Christie was doing well achieving until she had kids. And got really into time scheduling hacks. She realized she couldn’t control everything in her environment.

She would get into cycles where she was ambish

Christie thought by playing more additional roles she could get ride of mom guilt.

She tried to solve her feelings by doing more and playing all of these roles..

8:30 min
Her mantra was “I’m fine” mixed with perfection and having to do everything at her best.

Christie would hit overwhelm. She had to wear the mask of “ having it all together.”

She would try to be zen, and trying to solve an emotional by doing a thing even if that means trying to let go.

11:00 min

Christie started ramping up the habit of drinking a glass of wine, which she refers to as her BFF.

She thought her companion, the glass of wine, would help her. And she never suspected there was a problem.

She would start bargaining and justifying drinking, and realizing that it’s totally socially acceptable.

14 min

Aaron asks Christie what the tipping point was how that changed things for her.

Christie has an extensive coaching background but she found a new book that was noting that all behavior comes from a feeling.

15 min

Christie asked herself what she was feeling when she went to go have a glass of wine

The gateway into having a better life was quitting alcohol. Anything you do is because of what you feel, and what you feel is from a thought. Christie didn’t think it could be that simple and so she tried it.

17:30 min

She has a desire and a craving, but it was all centered around thinking “I deserve this”

She questions her thoughts. Is that what she wanted?

She gently let go of those thoughts.

19 min

Christie completely quite like a miraculous sobriety.

Aaron pauses Christie for a moment to ask about all of the detachment that has to happen biologically and if she considers that cold turkey.

Christie says cold turkey is out of will power, but this was different.

The beliefs around her desires just weren’t true.

21 min

She realized she had 20 years of beliefs that were convincing her to drink. Christie says, alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not using.

It became a personal challenge to question her thoughts. She started Slowing down and questioning everything.

23:30

in February 2020 Christie’s mom got diagnosed with cancer and she was the only sibling that was in the same state to help her.

24:45 min

Aaron asks Christie how the alcohol was effecting your marriage.
When she looks at her husband she still sees the core of her husband. Christie said her husband responded with “What a cute little phase”.

They wondered how it might change their relationship, but it didn’t.

26:45 min

We can evolve in our own ways and be ok with each other changing. Aaron says thats the most power thing to love someone through the different phases of life.

Christie was forever changed from what she learned from that time period.

28:45 min Aaron Closes

Hey thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and either had an aha moment or thought having a better relationship with yourself we’d love to hear about it. Please leave us a podcast review it always helps others become aware of this podcast and my passion to help people love themselves better through self-awareness.

If you’d like to follow or connect with Christie you can do still on Instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching or christieheppenstallcoaching.com

Make sure to stay tune for next episode when I speak with Christie about how time management in your life is a love language of it’s own.

If you are feeling hurt and heartbroken and want to reclaim a better relationship with yourself and have more self-worth so you can feel confident in hole a person. I’d love to support you. You can connect with me on Instagram at Aarontosti or@thekyleof.com

You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you

View Details

Morgan continues to share her story about dating a sociopath, and what she’s learned from it all.

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES :25 min Aaron Narrates

After talking with Morgan about the red flags of a narcissist and possible sociopath, we now talk about understanding this specific trauma and finding awareness and healing on the other side.

We try to see the other side of the trauma. Morgan talks about not needing someone to complete her in her life. Rather just two good people coming together.

We can’t blame ourself for what we don’t know. We can only do better once we know better.

A sociopath doesn’t actually care about you. They’ll just move on to the next person. So what do you do? How do you see this as a gift? How do you learn from such a dysfunctional relationship?

It’s shocking when someone has been lying to you. So how do you take off the blinders.

How do you trust your intuition again now that you’re re-learning to see what’s a lie and whats the truth?

When something dramatic or traumatic happens, you have to understand what its about for you. You have to see what the other person created and what you created. Understand their pain doesn’t have to be your suffering. When you start acknowledging that this was a pattern of someone else, and that it wasn’t about you. You stop blaming yourself. And when you stop blaming yourself, that’s the first step into loving and healing yourself.

If you can see this unfortunate experience as a gift, such as going through this level of trauma, it can motivate you for your next relationship. You will want to be even more aware for that next person, and attract someone who is as healthy as you are.

4:10 min

Morgan had to figure out morning the loss of someone who isn’t even real. She was romantically over him immediately.

Morgan says the self work of it was understanding why it happened. What about myself, attracted a person like that.

Morgan says they target honesty.

7:30 min

Morgan talks about her child wound of not having a father around. She says it was like her subconscious was looking for what looked like security.

Morgan realizes no one can complete you. She says you don’t need someone to make yourself complete in your life.

10:30 min

Morgan blamed herself for not seeing or not knowing. You can only be responsible for what I did know. I can’t beat myself up for what I didn’t know.

12 min

Not shaming yourself for what you haven’t learned yet. You would be shaming your intuition.

Different phases you go through.

It’s a very specific trauma. First phase being denial.

Morgan was distracted at first by her Ex moving on. A sociopath will move on to a new person.

You have to look at yourself and see it as a super dysfunctional gift.

16 min

Why does Morgan’s friend want to be hold onto a dysfunctional ex ?

When you move in with somebody, you’re giving up part of your life to be with someone.

17:40 min

It’s a rude awakening to know that someone’s lied to you in a relationship.

You get comfortable and use to the love trauma.

Some people make it a full body break up experience. Morgan feels all of the things. Aaron Things all of the things.

20 min

Aaron asks Morgan, “what is the love that you do want now that you’ve been through such a traumatic relationship.”

Morgan listens to her intuition. Now she knows the red flags. “There’s something that I’m not trusting with you”

You need to be on the same page and have the same values.

22 min

Morgan just not dating right now. She took a break. Morgan feels like she is as healed as she can be.

Lying is a deal breaking, non negotiable for Morgan

23 min

Little “t” triggers and big “T” Triggers, or small red flags and big red flags.

“When you’re wearing rose colored glasses, they all just look like flags.”- Morgan

It’s a lot of upfront conversation to be honest from the beginning.

25:30 min

What looks safe for Morgan dating again? When does she share her story with her new partner ?

If someone doesn’t know your wounds of the past, they might still be a trustworthy person who is pushing your triggers and not knowing it.

“I would like to think that the next relationship that person will be able to hold space for me.” - Morgan

27:20 min

After all of this dysfunctional talk, Aaron said he’s looking for some kind of silverzlining and true love in Morgan’s story.

If you’ve been digesting lies for a long time. At some point you have to let yourself purge all of that crap.

Shame want’s to hide it, so instead bring it out into the light.

Morgan put out there as public knowledge and had women respond with “He did that to me too”

You tend to blame yourself, but when you look at it and see that it’s a pattern you don’t blame yourself.

It puts light on all the times someones makes YOU feel like you’re “crazy” and then you realize they’re the crazy maker.

30:40 min

Morgan’s at a place where she’s really happy with herself. But she does want to be with someone who is equal to the healthy relationship she wants to be in.

Morgans ok if she doesn’t find it.

32 min

It turns to a dating in your 30s conversation. Morgan says she wants to cut herself some slack.

Nothing ever happens on the timeline you think it does. If it happen’s cool if it doesn’t cool. I’ll be ok.

Morgan says, “My current relationship is very successful” referring to being single.

33:40 min

Aaron thanks Morgan for spreading the awareness of the conversation.

Morgan’s advises to reach out others and bring crappy things to light and trust your intuition.

Find people that will help and talk with you through it.

Morgan didn’t realize she was in an abusive relationship until someone else helped her see that.

36:20 min

Love is no strings attached and with someone like a sociopath all the strings are attached and you become a puppet.

38 min

Healing relationships is all about having an awareness.

Become aware of behavior patterns, trust your intuition and when something doesn’t go the way you expect, see it as a gift. When you appreciate it as a gift, you see it as a learning experience, and you gain the power of awareness. You can only change and heal from what you are aware of. Many people would want to stuff, his, run from, avoid an experience like this, but they don’t give themselves a chance to heal.

Thanks for listening TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

Morgan returns from the first season to share her story with Aaron about all of the red flags she became aware of after dating a sociopath.

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

:23 Aaron Talks

This is a two part episode on a heavier topic around narcissism and sociopathic tendencies.

In my field of work I don’t like to throw around the word narcissism or sociopath very often. I view narcissism like a scale or a spectrum.

I suggest people really get clear on the differences. Narcissists are very hurt wounded people on the inside who feel they need have the world revolve around them and they need to make others small in order to do that.

Generally speaking psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. Sociopaths are all narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths.

So you know… I am not a psychologist, I’m a coach and my passion is being a student of life, love and relationships.

This episode is intended to bring awareness to those that might be trapped in a harmful relationship with someone who may be sociopathic or an extreme narcissist.

My friend Morgan, who I dated in high school and was in an episode of the first season, has returned to tell us about her experience dating a Sociopath & a narcissist. Not a light conversation.

Have you found yourself ignoring red flags. Have you had the blinders on and make excuses for your partners harmful behaviors?

You might be in a relationship with an unhealthy destructive person and need to seek professional help.

When someone has extreme manipulative behaviors, they are hiding something and don’t want you to find out. If you expose the truth, they’ll make you feel bad for it by misdirecting guilt. Thats a form of gaslighting.

When you make excuses for your partner that don’t add up, you start becoming part of their disillusioned story and fantasy.

This is why exposing the truth with other safe people is so important.

Hiding it will only make it worse.

The only way out of a harmful relationship like this is to start telling yourself the truth and trusting your intuition.

This first part is about understanding the red flags, because they don’t always appear that way at first.

Morgan has been so bold and vulnerable to be able to share her story so that others may be able to step out of harms way.

Before the conversation gets started, if you’ve been listening to this podcast and something stands out to you or you’ve had an aha moment or maybe rethought love in someway. Please go ahead and leave a review and share your experience. It helps others learn from their experiences as well.

3:20 min

Morgan starts out telling a story about being told to smile by a drunk gay guy at a bar, and how she called him out.

Misogyny doesn’t always come from strait men.

Morgan didn’t feel unsafe, but she speaks about how the Me Too moment has allowed her to speak up.

5:15 min

Aaron turns the conversation over to talking about dating a sociopath, the story of Morgan’s experience.

Some people experience it more often than you think but a lot of women experience some form of abuse and it’s not until they’re told that a light comes on and it makes sense.

6:40 min

Morgan mentions the classic move and red flags are love bombing super hard. Saying things like You’re everything they’re looking for. Like they are studying you.

Everything moved quickly and for Morgan it was the first time she had let a boyfriend move in with her so quickly.

The person on the receiving end is overlooking the red flags.

9:30 min

Red flags are just something to be aware of and question intention. Be aware and ask why someone is so ready to move in so quickly for instance.

Aaron talks about being aware of putting all of yourself in to the relationship, but it was different for Morgan. The relationship seemed to be everything that she wanted at first.

She had been waiting for so long for something. They we into all of the same things.

12 min

The relationship seemed really in sync, but Morgan overlooked a lot of things.

Morgan said, “He was a piece of work.”

Morgan made a lot excuses when he was making a slight of hand.

Another major red flag for Morgan was her ex describing every ex girlfriend as “crazy”. “All my ex’s are crazy.”

If all of your ex’s are crazy, that means you’re the common denominator.

Morgan asks, what does that word “crazy” even mean? It can be an easy out, especially for a compulsive liar.

15:30 min

Aaron asks about what the tale tale signs were and when it all started clicking for Morgan.

Morgan didn’t see any signs for a year. Morgan started seeing that he wasn’t being honest. She just had a gut feeling. She felt anxiety in her chest.

17 min

Morgan shares a story about how her ex made excuses when they were going to a concert.

Little lies building up to bigger ones.

Morgan shares a big lie about her ex and his passport.

19:40 min

Aaron asked if there was ever any confrontation, and Morgan said that the main thing was that he was cheating on her the entire time.

Morgan finally caught him in a lie but then he blamed it back on Morgan.

Morgan thought she was going crazy. He was so good at creating a lie.

She talks about how you would have to spend a lot of close time lithesome to even know its going on.

22 min

Morgan talked to his ex girlfriends and they all told her the same story. The same story she had gone through.

Morgan started writing a blog. The best way to not be holding on to a lie is to share the truth.

23:15 min

Aaron asks where Morgan saw signs of narcissism as apposed to sociopathic behavior.

Morgan doesn’t have a degree but she’s done so much research and a lot of therapy around this.

In his mind it’s grandiose, but the dichotomy is that he hates himself so he has to fill the hole or lack from everybody around him.

26 min

Narcissist need others to fill the lack in them. The co-dependent becomes like a drug. They need someone to affirm their addiction to not address their pain.

Morgan shares a wild story about her ex coming home with a machine gun and had no explanation for it.

28:20 min

Morgan also shares a story about her ex lying about how he doesn’t have a PayPal account. He was great and spinning stories.

Morgan said he had major finance and responsibility red flags like still paying for his ex’s or jumping to another account drastically.

Sociopaths are so good at lying they can pass a polygraph.

30:30 min

Aaron asks what wasthe catalyst for getting out of the relationship..

Morgan was planning to meet him out of down, but her ex didn’t pick her up for 20 hours. She stayed in the city by herself.

Morgan tells the really big story about how they ended up breaking up to her friend.

Her friend knew the truth and just assumed Morgan and her ex were in an open relationship which wasn’t the case.

It ended back with an argument with him saying “your crazy”. Morgan kicked him outing changed the locks

35:50 min

Aaron says “ I don’t think ending on good terms is the end of a story for being with a sociopath.”

Morgan said she had to dig deep and investigate. She started reading other people’s stories with the same patterns.

Aaron asks about the aftermath of the relationship….

37:20 min Aaron Closes

Thanks so much for listening to TKOL podcast. Make sure to check in next week for part two of my conversation with Morgan around The aftermath of recovering from this type of harmful relationship.

If you or you know someone who is struggling in a harmful relationship patterns and is trying to recover from her and heartbreak and wants to clean their self-worth and wants to feel like a whole person again. Please reach out to me or another professional.

You can connect with me about my heart centered life and relationship coaching at thekindoflove.com or on Instagram.com/AaronTosti.

This is TKOL podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you.

View Details

Aaron talks with his friend Eric DeLong, a Life Coach & Songwriter about how his practice of slowing down has impacted his life.

instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 Aaron Talks

Do you feel so rushed, hurried, stress, anxious that you rarely find yourself enjoying much of anything..

One of my favorite ideas came from a book called “The One Thing” and it mentions how multi-tasking was a term invented for computers, not for humans….

Our culture and really our ego want to believe that we’re expected to be all places at all times for fear we might not be enough or might be missing out on something else.

But that’s not how we’re instead to function. We’re intended to function in the present moment.

This week I invited my friend and fellow Coach Eric DeLong about how you can create our own anxiety by being somewhere else other than where you are at right now.

Often we’re either ahead of ourselves worrying about the outcome or lingering in the past struggling to let go.

This is like adding more stress to stress and suck the enjoyment out of whats happening right in front of you, even if it’s what you said you wanted.

Eric shares his practice of slowing down, getting into your 5 senses, even if it’s just as simple as enjoy a cup of coffee you made.

And real quick before we launch into the interview, if you found yourself rethinking love or coming to a new awareness about love and relationships.. I’d love to hear about it. Please leave this podcast a review and share.. when you share your growth it not only helps you, but helps others.

3:30 min

Aaron introduces Eric.

Eric has a lot to his story… he’s been a pastor, been through divorce, been a musician, and had a lot of transformation since then.

4:30 min

Aaron asks Eric about the art of slowing down.

Eric explains that slowing down is about the present awareness. It’s helped him amongst the chaos of life and also helped him appreciate the beaut in life.

Eric stumbled upon this idea when he got divorce and it started with meditation.

6:20 min

Eric said he was so stressed that he started smell. Our senses are a sensual connection to the present moment.

7:50 min

Eric shares what that practice looks like in his daily life. The power of your sense brings you into the present moment.

A simple example is slowing down to enjoy food and coffee.

How often have you driven somewhere but forgot how you got there?

10 min

Eric takes this practice into other aspects in his life like taking walks and feeling into his body and listening to the sounds around him.

It’s about being where you are. It’s simple and brings out a lot of gratitude.

12 min

There’s a lot of components of slowing down, like allowing yourself a margin that suits you.

Eric talks about leaving margin of times to put you in a mind frame of responding, calm, and not reacting.

14:20 min

Aaron asks Eric a question, Eric has to think, but then Aaron reminds him that he’s free to slow down.

Aaron talks about how he was coached to come almost to a completely stop, a pause to get him out of a reactionary place and more into a responsive state.

15:20 min

Our response naturally is to be urgent, but Eric sometimes closes his eyes and asks himself how he is doing.

Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how you’re doing.

People appreciate a thoughtful response.

17 min

Aaron Talks about showing up and allowing yourself to be authentic in the present moment.

Sometimes its a reflection for others to take time to listen to themselves.

19 min

When you slow down you have more enjoyment for the moment.

There’s infinite moments in the world yet we’re appreciating this moment.

Eric talks about why it’s important like being on a date and enjoying the meal, and not getting caught up with the deadline like a movie.

When you’re not present you’re robbing yourself of the experience.

21:30 min

Maybe your just meant to enjoy and revel in the meal. If you’re rushed and hurried you’re not going to enjoy the moments for its fullest potential.

Aaron uses Eric’s remarks as an analogy for relationships and how we get ahead of ourselves in relationships instead of enjoy where you’re at.

23:40 min

Aaron asks Eric if this has effected his creative writing process in music. Eric enjoyed the process.

Eric says so often we try to get to the outcome, but Eckhart Tolle talks about being in the process.

25:30 min

Eric talks about not getting ahead of himself in the writing process and not going back to old writing patterns.

Eric has a song about feeling younger as you get older.

27 min

Eric said he wouldn’t have made his most favorite song, if he hadn’t slowed down.

Eric asks himself, “Whats coming up for me right now?”

Eric is about to put out some new music.

You can follow Eric on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

28 min

Eric’s last thoughts are to slow down and connect with your senses. Instead of doing things to get where you’re going, do things to enjoy where you are.

Aaron says it can lower so much stress and anxiety.

Now we’re going to step into the goodness of Thai Food.

29:20 Closing

Thanks for listening.

Eric helps recovering nice people speak their needs, own their wants and live their truth. If you’d like to connect with Eric for coaching, or be the first to hear his new music.. follow him on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic

If you are feeling hurt, heartbroken and would like to claim your self-worth, stop harmful relationship patterns, Love yourself, and find confidence and independence.. I’d love to support you.. you can connect with me thekindoflove.com or

instagram.com/aarontosti

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron

Best of love to you.

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about understanding the difference between neediness, needs, wants and how powerful fear can be.

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES :25 min

Bringing self-awareness around your desires and how you use your attention in your relationship.

When we were young the love that we got was equal to the attention we got from our parents or caretakers. When we get into relationships we place our attention where we want love, have desires, and how we tend to our needs.

Many times we can get attached or even become addicted to what doesn’t serve us well. Think of how you spend your attention on your phone, where you spend your attention in your relationship, and how you spend it on yourself.?

If we aren't honest with ourselves about what we want and crave, we'll find ourselves placing our attention else where, self-meditating and coping.

What if you were honest with yourself about what you crave, what your fears really are, and how you want to feel in your relationship? Do you think your experience would change?

In part 3 of my conversation with Tracy-Rose, we talk about decreeing between our wants and needs. We talk on the difference between knowing our needs and neediness, how powerful fear can control our relationships, and that fear will keep us trapped in harmful relationships with ourselves.

2:04 min

Tracy motions how important it is to discern between your needs and wants. A lot of us live from a place of “I want” and it can get diluted to “I need”.

A lot of us continue the same behaviors and reactions expecting different response, which is insanity

3:00 min

Aaron talk about the difference between needs and neediness. Neediness feel desperate.

Tracy-Rose says neediness is a want. Needs are typically simple.

Getting in touch with your ego and form a relationship. Tracy-Rose doesn’t think kill your ego is good, but rather having a healthy ego. But it can be confusing if you don’t know what you need.

5:30 min

People can get addicted to the need from others like getting likes on Instagram and getting attention to feel like a whole person.

Tracy did a Technology detox that was 72 hours and learned that most people are doing something else with technology. Like driving in the car without having the music playing.

Aaron mentions mindfulness. Tracy mentions consumption and the proportion of intake vs outtake.

7:20 min

Over technology can actually keep you from dating. Like two women discussing how they want to date more, getting asked out, but being scared to actually say yes.

Dating, when done safely is just an exchange of energy. Women have different ideas around safety but Dating doesn’t have to be as vulnerable as you think it is.

Aaron’s favorite piece from the book, “If the Buddha dated” is crawling into love, rather than falling into love. And how you are created a bond and be mindful in the present moment with that person rather getting ahead of yourself.

9:10 min

Tracy-Rose talks about having mutual friends when she met her partner. She found safety in reference checking with friends.

Tracy had those stressful Intrusive thoughts around dating her partner and then slowed down had better conversation with herself. She was able then to observe how she was showing up.

11 min

Let the date be what it is and don’t get far ahead of yourself. Like being at the coffee shop and seeing someone you like, not interpreting them as your baby mama, but maybe let it be the women that get a smile from.

Then there’s not so much fear around the vulnerability.

11:50 min

Aaron says he loves curiosity as a response to anxious thoughts that are what if worst case scenarios. But instead, what if something awesome happens?

Then your needs shift from a future thought to the present moment.

12:50 min

Tracy-Rose talks about a show she was watching based around fear. Fear is powerful and can be a destructive energy. Fear often dehumanizes.

13:50 min

Most often fear creates BS illusions. Its about listening to fear so it doesn’t take control of you.

Fear wants to grip ahold of you, and then we become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Fear can render you unable to move and therefore feeling stuck in the patterns and cycle. It’s like being stuck spinning in place or analysis paralysis.

It’s like putting the gas and the brakes on at the same time. We all need to take a breath.

16 min

Tracy-Rose wraps up by thanking each other for being here and thanking the listeners. Hopefully something inspired you in this episode.

16:50 Closing

Thanks for doing us in this conversation. If there was something inspiring or you rethought something we’d love to hear about it in the reviews. Reviews help spread more awareness about the podcast.

If you if want to connect with Tracy-Rose on instagram.com/salveofthecircle

If you are struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self worth, you can connect with me thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron

Best of love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks more with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about Dating, Attraction, and having a Secure Attachment Style post 2020.

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

 SHOW NOTES           **:25 min Aaron Talks**

Do you have an awareness around your attachment style and what you attract and are attracted to? Do you have an awareness around what you are creating with your thoughts?

After 2020 that has been an adjustment for some of us.

Sometimes it’s easy to slip into not being aware of the interactions and outcomes of daily social dynamics. Wondering why you have the same experiences over and over again and wonder why nothing changes.

Many times we don't allow ourselves to change our response, or step into something different because its uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Even though we say we want something different or new, it seems to be foreign. We don’t have a different experience, so we go into old patterns and responses.

What if you took a chance on changing your approach and doing something different?

In this Part 2 with Tracy-Rose my trauma and therapy informed cousin.. we talk about the different aspects of your own self-awareness, your patterns, habits, self-worth, neediness, assumptions, boundaries, and what it looks like to have a secure attachment style especially post 2020..

2:25 min

Tracy talks about how it’s weird to go out now, and Aaron mentions it’s terrible for dating. Masks don’t help flirting.

We’re all adjusting to post 2022 social environments.

4:25 min

Aaron talks about dating and his attachment styles. He took the Attached test which really helped him understand and reframe his interactions in dating and clients.

5:50 min

Aaron talks about moving out of Anxiety by making it about the other person rather yourself and by seeing whats great about them.

A good way to view the Secure attachment style is like being a lighthouse, not a tug boat. A great relationship would be like going on a road trip and not needing to chase or avoid each other, but simply be together.

7 min

Secure attachment is steady, confident, like the light house spreading the light, but not trying to drag anyone your way.

8:30 min

A relationship is a Co-creation. Theres an energy that changes when you come together.

When we show up with someone, all of us shows up.

9:50 min

Tracy-Rose talks about showing up as your healed disciplined self. Seeing yourself as whole.

There’s a difference in energy that shows up when you are attracted to someone as apposed to meeting just anyone.

12 min

Tracy-Rose talks about the Social prompts and cues when you’re attracted to someone new. You’re still the same person but your energy shifts and changes.

You’re like a peacock who shows their feathers. We are shape shifting and adapting to our environment.

14 min

In the metaphor of the lighthouse, we might say “Thats a good looking boat” but as a lighthouse attracting someone, we stay grounded remaining to be ourselves in the process.

15 min

Aaron has heard it said that we’ve lost the art of dating. It’s about being mindful in the moment and being aware of your whole self showing up, your patterns, your habits, and your self worth.

16 min

Tracy-Rose shares an interaction she had. Understanding where the other person’s energy is and meeting them with hers.

Aaron talks about the 3 energies of give, take, and receive.

When the two energies between two people come together and theirs attraction, sometimes you can start creating desires that you didn’t have before or that are from your past. It came up as you are talking with this person.

18 min

Aaron talks about asking for consent and asking yourself, whats the story going on for you.

It is desperate neediness energy trying to GET something from someone.It’s not manipulative.

It’s about not making assumptions and asking questions.

19:45 min

Tracy-Rose talks about the male to female interaction. Some women just give away their number not knowing that they really wanted to.

It’s about being aware, slowing down, having pause, and creating a safe space.

The women has to feel like she’s allowed her authentic self to be there.

21 min

It’s a risk, but it allows the women to say yes or no without rejection, abandonment, or retaliation.

Aaron shares his story of being challenged to ask out enough women to get rejected 5 times. He noticed if he used the word date, it was a lot of pressure for women.

22:30 min

It’s about slowing down, pausing, and even asking yourself for permission if this is something you want. And then being intentional from there.

23 min Closing

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast. Hopefully you had some takeaways from this episode.

If you did have something come up for you around relationships or self-awareness.. I’d love to hear about it. Please give the podcast a review.

You can connect with Tracy-Rose on Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

Stay tuned for the next episode when Tracy and I talk more about neediness, cravings, and how we can even come addicted to the attention on social media and in our relationships that give us a false sense of identity instead of feeling like a whole person.

If you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns, and you’d ike to free yourself by claiming your self-worth. You can find me here…

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about compulsive thinking, thought patterns, and how to be the observer of your thoughts.

instagram.com/tracyroselisauskastherapy/

Instagram.com/salveofthecircle

instagram.com/Aarontosti

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :25 min

Aaron Talks

Sometimes it takes tragedy strikes until we decide to understand whats happening under the surface and our relationship with ourself. Why do we need to have more self-awareness around our self talk, thought partners, and it’s effecting our self-worth.

When we break through the awareness of how our thoughts are effecting are lives then we can change. It changes our compulsive thinking, addictions, attachments to unhealthy things and can even shift our self worth when we recognize the harmful conversations we are having with ourselves.

I brought my therapy and trauma-informed cousin Tracy-Rose to talk about some these deeper truths and self-awareness topics. This first Part we talk about mindfulness, addiction, compulsive thinking, not taking things personally, and facing second guessing and the inner critic..

It’s about changing your inner world before you change your outer world.

2 min

Aaron shares a bit of his story about having better self-talk and how he quit smoking around observing his thought patterns and self-talk.

It became a way to not react off of every thought, and take more control of yourself.

4:30 min

Tracy -Rose mentions involuntary thoughts, ADHD, and OCD being common terms we use around thought patterns. Its the mind overthinking and going, going, going. We can be taken hostage by our minds.

Tracy says addictions are us self-medicating on things you think you have control over, but really it has control over you

6:30 min

It takes slowing down and observing thoughts. Tracy thought every thought she had to believe and she had to react to them. She didn’t understand the connection at from.

Aaron talks about not only observing your thoughts, but then starting to observing your feelings. He shares a story about he had an involuntary thought that he was weird, like an inner bully.

10 min

What do you do with these involuntary thoughts. How would you talk to yourself if you were being bullied?

Tracy says our thoughts do have any impact until we put meaning to them. She hears the word “weird” and thinks that cool. Aaron heard it

Tracy explains DBT ( after the interview she correct that and she meant CBT). Its basically mindfulness. Your experiences reinforce your thoughts until you take control of them.

14 min

Tracy-Rose talks about having reactions and not taking things personally.

Usually our involuntary thoughts come from something in our environment, even on an unconscious level.

16 min

Coffee shops are social anxiety inducing, everyone’s checking in and seeing whats going on while getting hopped up on coffee. Aaron says it’s like a daytime sober bar.

Second guess or self judging is normal.

Reevaluating social cues and interaction since 2020 because we’ve been hibernating and told to stay home and be anti-social.

17:45 min

Closing

Thanks for Listening to TKOL Podcast. Please leave a review and let us know if you had an “ah-ha” moments.

Stay tuned for the next episode Tracy and Aaron Talk about Dating, Attraction and Attachment styles after 2020.

You can connect with Tracy-Rose here instagram.com/salveofthecircle

If you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self-worth. You can connect with me here thekindoflove.com

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

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In this episode, Aaron talks with photographer and love coach Joe “Photo” Paulicivic about seeing through a different lens for the homeless and the release of his new photo book The Dirty Kids.

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

joephoto.com

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Show Notes :23 min

Aaron Talks:

Consider the good in humanity. Thats what this episode is all about.

I ask you what does love look like to you? What does love look like when you approach someone else’s situation and what it would be like to be in their shoes?

What would love look like if you were living on the street?

My Guest today Joe Paulicivic a photographer and love coach, has recently released a book of photographs to show us through his lens another look at homelessness. It’s a group, a community of homeless who call themselves the Dirty Kids.

Joe spent several years making friends and collecting photos to share with you a different perspective.

We are conditioned in our culture to assume a lot about our homeless.

Maybe we cast judgments about their lifestyle.

Maybe we think they are lazy.

Maybe we see them as victims of society.

But is that absolutely true?

The Dirty Kids actually choose and accept being on the street as a lifestyle. They have formed a community mindset around sharing and being accepting of that fact that what ever they need will come to them, instead of living in fear of security.

The rawness and realness of our conversation may even be shocking, but I would encourage you to consider this word on the street from Joe from a different lens, a compassionate one…

Here's a short excerpt from the forward by Father Richard Roar and what he had to say about Joe’s book of photographs.

"It shows that clothing and table placement...

2:20 min

Joe first met the dirty kids in New Orleans 2010 and one of them wanted him to take a shocking photo.

4:30 min

March of 2014 Joe was wearing a Free Hug t-shirt and gave out free hugs to dirty kids

The dirty kids pride themselves on how dirty they can be, hopping trains

6:40 min

A strong connection happened at Mardi Gras when Joe started hugging the Dirty Kids.

Joe’s daughter was also on the brink of being on the street. She is what the Dirty kids would called a home bomb.

Dirty kids travel really light.

9 min

Every where he goes Joe hugs people, the dirty kids were no different to him.

Reggie one of the DK was one of the first kid Joe felt an open door to spend more time and connect.

They developed more relationships by Joe photographing over 100 photographs of the Dirty Kids.

12:10 min

Not many kids don’t make it to their 40s. Its a conscious choice for them to be on the streets. Many are orphans and they don’t want to be told what to do, so they made their own culture.

Many of them are strong adventurous personalities on the street. They are artists and or free spirits.

They share everything with each other. They believe whatever they need will come to them.

15:20

Many of are not as engaged with our community. So they’ve learned to share more.

The general public often sees homelessness as a problem, but Joe sees them as not a problem.

They are perceived as dangerous.

18 min

Joe’s been a friend to them. He’s not trying to convert them into anything different, but an opportunity to exercise compassion.

Joe would love the book to bring awareness and compassion for the homeless.

It’s a deep paradigm to consider people that are different than us as not a problem. People tend to move in circles that are similar.

21 min

Joe is hopeful that this will be an opportunity for more discovery of our common humanity.

Joe is in a different place than 8 years ago when this started. He sees these kids who are typically scapegoats as opportunity to look at his own struggles and forgiveness.

These kids as a metaphor of living in the shadows, helps us recognize the shadows we live in.

The security we look to can easily get shut down by things like COVID. Most of us are terrified about being on the streets.

24:50 min

Joe compares the homeless to the leopards of Jesus’s day. Many of them have experienced loss and suffering.

Through Joe’s lens, like his daughter, he sees so much shame that the Dirty Kids live in. But says they are not looking for pity, but human connection.

27 min

Joe talks about eye contact being a great way to approach the homeless.

In our society we’re not taught to make much eye contact or hug each other for prolong periods of time, which can see them just like everyone else.

It can help those feeling like victims, have more hope when you make eye contact and be more present with them. And then it can open real conversations.

30 min

Relationships begin with acknowledgment and then curiosity.

The Dirty Kids will surprise you with their grace and perspective.

31:45 min

The book came out Dec 2021 and you get get a copy at joephoto.com

Joe’s hope is that the book would open eyes and hearts to consider a different experience with the homeless.

Not everyone is called to the level of trust and courage to approach the homeless. They can be unpredictable.

Joe hopes that others will see the common humanity between the homeless.

As Joe began to tear up, he talks about the book ultimately being a healing experience for himself and his judgments.

The Dirty kids has helped him go into his shadows and seeing himself as equal.

The book has been liberating for Joe, and a way to be a friend to the Dirty Kids.

35:30 min

Thanks so much for listening.

Joephoto.com

If you’re looking to empower yourself out of harmful relationship patterns and claim your self-worth you can connect with Aaron here…

Instagram.com/aarontosti

Thekindoflove.com

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with his longtime friend Steve Wilmot about marriage, sarcasm, music, comedy, Steve’s cool wife, listening to your partner, and how not taking yourself too seriously will glue your marriage.

instagram.com/jacaranda_real

instagram.com/aarontosti

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View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Emily Freeman about supporting and empowering men to go from confused to confident in their dating life.

instagram.com/emilyfreemancoaching

TikTok: @emilyfreemancoaching

Emilyfreemancoaching.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

SHOW NOTES

:23 Aaron Talks

Dating can be challenging right? There’s so many nuances that you can get caught up in that keep you stuck from just pursuing someone, having fun and enjoying the journey.

For men it can be really challenging on dating apps, first dates, and simply knowing how to attract the kind of women you desire.

So I invited my next guest Emily Freeman, who empowers and inspires driven men to go from confused to confident and find the women of their dreams.

Emily does such a great job of bringing awareness to what are often common dating frustrations for men.

We talk about green flags to look for in a high quality women, what women are are looking for in dating profiles, pursuing vs chasing, the stories we make up in our head about the person we’re dating, and some of the underlying issues that keep men from leaning into the relationship they desire..

It’s packed full of good stuff

2:00 min

Excited to have you,
Aaron has become a fan of Emily

2:40 min

Why Emily started coaching men
Dating is deeply personal, Emily wanted to create a safe space for men
Dating is a complete mirror
Release shame

5:20 min

Women are looking for leadership
It’s extremely attractive for a man to make decisions
reducing the polarity of Feminine and masculine energy can reduce attraction

6:55 min

The way to be attractive is to know what you want
Establish self-love to know how to receive a woman’s love
You have to feel it yourself first, what am I rejecting when it comes to receiving love and affection?
When something doesn’t feel familiar we are often not attracted, thats why so many men chase “unavailable”

9:40 min

Lets talk about the green flag
What are the green flags in a high quality babe ?
She knows how to meet her own needs and effectively communicate what she needs and wants
Boundaries allow a women to be wholly herself while stepping into a partnership
Laughing is a green flag
A women who is present at willing to take things slow
Intensity vs intimacy
You can’t just ask all the right questions
Enthusiastically responding to your requests

12:40

Some men feel like it falls on their shoulders
Alleviate the pressure by contacting and
Another green flag is noticing how she treats other people, how does she handle conflict?

14:24 min

The mirror for all of those green flags to be reflected back for women
The anxious attachment can get lost looking for a sign and not being in the actual relationship

15:45 min

Aaron Genuinely misses the art of dating romance
Crawling into love intimacy that happens in
Patience is really important

16:20 min

Confusion around leaning into something vs rushing in to a relationship
Being cautiously optimistic, with the expectation that you are still getting to know each other

17 min

People jump too quickly into assuming whether someone is right or wrong for them
Collecting “datapoint” just taking notice of what’s your

18:40 min

Marriage isn’t an expectation anymore it’s a choice
The head & heart conversation, you can know all of the things but at the end of the day can you just sit down and have a conversation

21:30 min

Just let what is be
There’s a lot of fear in dating and thats why they call it “falling into love..”
The body doesn’t know the difference between anxiety and excitement.. the brain interprets it
Anxious-excited trap at the end of the day it’s fear

23:30 min

If you’re not clear on your why then you won’t stay motivated
Pursue rather than chase

24:35 min

Indirectly Inviting a women into your world through your dating profile
Be intentional about who you want to date

25:30 min

Women want to know what their lives are going to be like when they see your profile
Women are sensitive to reading men’s energy

27:30 min

Men don’t really fill out their profile, it shows your level of investment
I want to be attracted to all women and the fear of rejection go hand in hand
Don’t need to be overly serious, be intentional without taking yourself too seriously

29 min

What makes a girl head over heals for a dude?
Be unapologetically who you are
Be in the energy of “I love who I am. I love my life, and the women who comes into my life is going to love it too. If it’s not you that’s ok. If it is you, how exciting!”
Women are attracted to men that have a lot of options in life and that his life is full waking up knowing what his mission is.
Chemistry can’t be calculated
It’s hard to build chemistry with someone who is stuck in their head

32:30 min

What makes a man magnetic who is dude who can get out of his head and being grounded in his body
Jumping from thought to thought doesn’t make a women feel safe
Men being present is the most masculine things you can be

34 min

Emily teaches being mind, body, and soul expertise to get present
Cognitive bias will make what you think is true, true
If you have a believe that you can’t find a women, it will confirm that you’re right

36:35 min

Put yourself out there. It’s not rejection it’s selection, the more you can face it the less it effects you
Dating should be fun !
Creating compassion and fun will help everyone else be open
Don’t worry about showing her a good time, have a good time for you

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast.

Emily inspires driven men to go from confused to confident in their dating lives so they can find the women of their dreams.

If you want to connect with Emily, here’s where you can find her.

Instagram:

@emilyfreemancoaching

TikTok:

@emilyfreemancoaching

Website:

Emilyfreemancoaching.com

If you feel trapped in harmful relationship patterns and want to feel free and confident by stepping into your self worth.

You can connect with me here..

Instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

Thanks for listing to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Tamar Gail, a Tantric Life Coach, about how to connect with your sensuality and have a better conscious sex life.

instagram.com/tamargail

The Holy Erotic Podcast

instagram.com/the_holy_erotic

instagram.com/Aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes 00:24 min Aaron Talks

What could you know that would help your relationship’s intimacy and deepen your sex life?

What does conscious sex even look like?

These questions drove me to want to have a conversation with my new friend and sex healer/coach Tamar Gail..

Often when the issues around sex occur or stops all together.. thats a pretty good sign the relationship is moving away from being connected..

Wherever your at.. theres a-lot of things we tell ourselves around sex..

Maybe you’ve had a bad experience around sex and so you wrote it off.

Maybe you’re putting up with unwanted terrible sex in your relationship and you want to go deeper.

Maybe you’ve come to believe that sex is bad or a taboo topic.

Or some other limiting belief around it.

Maybe after a bad experience sex and you’re trying to tap back into your sexuality.

Maybe you’ve been scarred from a relationship around sex and trusting someone

Maybe you are a woman and you haven’t really had the chance to experience deep connected sex and intimacy.

I really wanted to reframe this idea that sex is scary for some, self medicating for others, or that it’s taboo to explore your own sexuality.

Tamar has had a lot of experience working with women about what women really need from a conscious sex life.

She helps women tap into their sensual nature, heal from sexual trauma, and bridge the spiritual and the sexual.

So anyway.. i thought i’d ask her

If you feel like anything I’ve said is for you, well then this conversation is for you..

Conversation:

2:50 min

What do women really need from men in the bedroom?
Women miss sensuality and have a deeper connection
Ask men to do something different can challenging to the mens ego

5:30 min

Navigating conversations around sex
A lot of men are in there heads instead of their body
Learning and be willing to practice sex to get back in their bodies

8:18 min

Focusing on your breathe can get you more in your heart
Women connect in their heart and in their breasts first
Its a conscious practice being aware of every aspect of it

10:20 min

Important to be aware of the women, in order for her to open up she has to feel safe
Men can connect better with women is with there presence

12:20 min

Is Aaron asking digging to deep?
Aaron explains connecting his mindfulness

14:00 min

What’s really going on when we’re having sex
How do we get men out of there head fantasies
Younger years men want to get it out
Healthy/Conscious sex
Everything is fair as along as they are agreed upon

16:15 min

Connected sex vs connect sex
Chemicals bonding us in sex
Unlearning unhealthy bonds
Either your a psychopath or Buddha

18 min

Tamar speaks on women bonding in sex
Swamping DNA and energy during sex
It can be damaging to have multiple partners
Women have the ability to hold energy for up to 7 years

19:30 min

Womb work
Staying independent with your energy
Meditations to have healing sex and create alchemy
Clearing sex trauma and becoming more of yourself

21:15 min

Making sense of the functional and the spiritual
Being the observer of your energy
The energy arc between women’s nipples

23:30 min

Clouded judgment around relationships
Clearing everything from the past and getting in touch with your intuition
The more we are in touch with our intuition the better we are in life with people, relationships and sex

24:45 min

People can get lost and not choose from an honest place
You’re not going to be able to experience pleasure if you’re in your head
Simple movements can be orgasmic

27:20 min

Sex is spiritual
It takes presence to have a better sex life
Sensuality is connecting your senses

29 min

Getting more spicy with practices
Kissing is very sensual and doesn’t get enough credit
Actually use your senses
Blindfolding and heightening other senses

30:50 min

the feather works to bring out more senses
Yab Yum position, breathing can bring you closer together
Your body knows and you can trust

32:15

Sexy food for thought
Feeling like you want more out of your sex life
Embodiment practices
Teaching ways to connect and go deeper, conscious sexuality, and
You can connect with Tamar @holy_erotic on IG

34:30 min

Real orgasm vs an energetic orgasm
You can release traumas in the body
You might cry, laugh or have an orgasm

35:40 min

Opening up other aspects of life with your sensuality
Your radiance can attract the good in bad, and the practices help strengthening your boundaries
Work can take off
Dropping back into the energy
Tamar is starting her own podcast of erotic poetry called “The Holy Erotic”

38:50 min

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast.

Please leave a review if you had any “Ah-ha” moments or rethought something around sex.

If you’d like to connect with Tamar you can do so instagram.com/theholyerotic and check out her podcast The Holy Erotic.

You can connect with me thekindoflove.com or instagram.com/aarontosti

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Intuitive Advisor & Astrologer Ana Morales about her method to attract your life partner.

instagram.com/justanamorales

instagram.com/Aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

Show Notes

:23 min Aaron Talks

After you’ve worked on having a better relationship with yourself and your ready to find a life partner… now what?

When I set out to be a coach originally I didn’t know exactly what path it was going to take me on.

As time went on my passion has really become to help people free themselves from what holds them back from love, by have a better relationships with themselves, and find meaningful love.

It’s a funny thing. When that happened I started making new friends that shared similar passions like my guest this episode Ana Morales.

I met Ana through her husband and we had a ton in common. She helps people heal different aspects of their life through intuitive readings and astrology. Something I’ve been a little skeptical of in the past.. But when we became friends and had an intuitive session together, I really appreciated her line of work and her wisdom

Ana not only helps people heal their lives but also is a matchmaker.

She has a fascinating way of attracting your dream partner by a unique method she likes to call The Easy Wave. Where you write down a list of things you want in your future partner and she helps you with the rest..

If you’re ready to find that special someone… you’ll want to hear what she has to say…

2:20 min Conversation starts

Ana does astrology, but her passion is to help people on their path
You have to believe in you and your own dream
Ana loves the feeling of melancholy because its so close to romance

6 min

the longing for a partner
Ana hit Aaron with so much truth
Ana uses astrology as a tool
understanding the 12 houses in astrology

8:30 min

astrology is like looking at a weather app
A tool to connect with your inner intuition
Matching through astrology

12:15 min

astrology like the enneagram
Putting too much weight on matching with the right sign
most people only know their sun sign

14:30 min

respecting people’s soul journey
Don’t tress pass others boundaries
Ana respects the places she goes

17:20 min

Getting someone’s permission to give you a message
If no one asks you for help, don’t give them advice
Ana is really just here to help people discover their passion

21 min

Kanye West dream to bring people in one song
how can people “unite in song” with a partner
Ana’s formula of “the 25 things list” about your future partner
Ana was ready for marriage and wanted a latin man at first

25:30 min

what you want and your partner has to be specific
Latino background thinks at age 33 “your not going to find someone single without kids”
after you make your list you have to ask yourself am I this person?
If you’re not that person than you need to work on that part
Ana was looking for a savior do you help her with her bills

28 min

Ask yourself how are you feel if you find this person you’re looking for
Keep feeling that feeling

31 min

Ana worked with Aaron on knowing the emotions he’s going to feel
Keep doing affirmations
Your insecurities will try to tell you you need to look at the list every day but you don’t have to
if you’re unsure, you’ll have people that look like the list, but look like past relationships

35 min

whenever you have intercourse with someone you bring the energy with you
The things on your list will come about in many different people but you’re ultimately going to have to choose
when you get invited to places say yes because you never know

37:30 min

The baby shower story
Her friend didn’t want to go to the party
Your circle of friends see you as a single person, and can limit you there
her friend’s environment was reinforcing her identity of being single
Anna‘s intuition told her who her new friends I’ve been to be was

42:40 min

Ana was the third wheel
They got engaged !
Had her friend not stepped out if her comfort zone she would not have met her husband

44:45 min

there were things that were even better than she imagined
Just make the list and believe it
If you only have 24 out of the 25 things let the one thing go

46:45 min

sacrifice vs compromise
be specific about your list and ask for help

49:00 min

finding a good group of friends that you trust
You’re suppose to have different experiences
Get your parents involved, at the end of the day they want you to be happy
The funeral story and the lady with 8 kids
Everything the mom prayed for the kids future came true

54:10 min

whatever you set your list up for, thats what you’re going to get
Dating in the US is confusing
Kent, Ana’s husband professed his love and Ana was direct
Kent got the shoes that Ana hates.. but she never saw them

61:00 min

there’s a bunch of information at our fingertips but don’t let it sidetrack you from your purpose

61:30 Aaron Closes

Thanks for listening. Hopefully you were inspired to get clear about your life partner after this episode.

Please let us know if you had any inspirational thoughts from this episode by leaving us a review and feel free to share this episode with a friend.

If you would like to connect with Ana about finding your life partner or you would like an intuitive session with her.. you can find her on Instagram instagram.com/justanamorales

You’ve Been listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron discusses with friend and fellow Life Coach Samantha Frances about at first not liking it, but then finding interest with the Enneagram.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

instagram/samanthafrances

00:24 min Aaron Talks

And now the episode you’ve all been waiting for…or maybe not and thats ok too.

Not everyone likes personality assessments and typologies like the Enneagram.

I found the Enneagram a tool that I use in helping connect partners, relationships, and people have a better understanding of themselves.

So whatever you think about the enneagram, whether you love it or hate it, this episode could be a proper introduction for you.

I find the enneagram on my road to recovery and now use it as a tool to help people be more empathetic and understand of their partners. To come from a place of love rather than fear.

I invited my friend, fellow coach & musician, Samantha Frances who also happens to be the same Enneagram number as myself. The number 6.

We’ve had many laughs about resisting or hating it at first but now see it as a useful self-growth tool.

Love it or hate it… here’s why the enneagram might be helpful for you…

1:50 min

Of all of the other numbers 6’s are the hardest to pic out
Sam didn’t like the enneagram at first
Sam thought it was BS at first
Aaron thought it described his personality a little too well

5:20 min

Sam finally warmed up to the enneagram
Once she got emotional about it she recognized it as a tool
Aaron find it a great tool for relationships

7:40 min

We’re not actually our fixation, it’s a coping mechanism
Its about not taking your number personally
Not beating yourself or using your EN number as an excuse
Sam’s subtype is a sexual enneagram 6
Its the motivation that defines your number

11:40 min

Clarifying the subtypes social, sexual and self-preservation
Sexual subtypes are a lot more intense
Social person is more concerned with everybody
Counter phobic six are thrill junkies
Sam rather be the leader of the team

14:40 min

Social subtype finds value in being apart of the group
Goin through each number and what their fear and what they look like
Going backwards the 1 has a fear of “doing it wrong”
1, 9, and 8 are in the anger triad
9 lets things go and then explodes in anger

17:40 min

The 8 is the challenger
They are afraid of being manipulated
7 is the enthusiast
Starting a lot of projects but never finishing
Biggest fear is pain itself

21:20

6 is the loyalist and are driven toward chasing a false sense of safety
6’s are great at troubleshooting
7, 6 and 5 are the thinking triad and not connected to emotions
5 is the investigator

24:40 min

Aaron gets a long with enneagram 5 because of the details
Sam doesn’t like research and would rather outsource it to a EN5
5’s biggest fear is incompetence

27:30 min

EN 4 is the individualist
They see the beauty in thing, but with out looking at their own significance
They have to create something to move through their emotions

30:20 min

Sam wanted to be a 4 at first
The 4 starts the emotional triad
The 3 has a fear of not being valued or having success
The 2 is he helper like a host or classic mom

33:10 min

There often in a profession where they are taking care of people
Helping is a strategy to GET love
Most therapists are enneagram 6, AND comedians !
Sam didn’t like the enneagram cause she couldn’t figure it out

36 min

The enneagram will show you what you don’t like
A self preservation EN6 is like a jewish mother
Enneagram love hat is like getting through the first few episodes of a new Netflix serious

38:10 min

Not everyone wants to do self-work and thats ok
Sam likes when you know the motivation behind the number
Aaron memorizes everyone’s number
People think they know their number but they don’t

41:50 min

At the end of the day enneagram is just a tool
Has enneagram helped other relationships like family and partnerships?

44 min

Thanks for listening.

You can connect with Sam here instagram.com/samanthafrances

You can connect with me here thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with spiritual coach Denise Darlene-Paulicivic about an entirely different way to resolving your anxiety.

thekindoflove.com

newparadigmoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

00:23 min Aaron Talks

I’m always asking deeper questions.. Like, what are the tools that we can use to better yourself in relationships and in every day life?

Many people are bound up by anxious ideas like… what’s gonna happen next? Where is the money I need going to come from? Where’s my relationship headed? Who am I going to end up with? Where’s my career headed?

And then get stuck in an anxiety loop around uncertainty.

One thing I’ve learned and also coach is practicing presents.

When you’re present you take your mind off of the past, off of the future, and deal with what’s happening in that moment.

Many times that helps, BUT how do you deal with heavy amounts of anxiety that continues to come up?

Anxiety comes up and it triggers the brain to create a problem that isn’t there many times. It puts you a state of fear about the future.

So I invited my relationship and spiritual coach back because I’m very interested in these kind of “loving yourself” hacks if you will…

Many times in relationships especially it comes down to our perception and learning how to embrace our emotions in the present moment while not creating any harm for a future.

So how can you in a holistic way shift from anxiety to which by the way is a massive health issue in our culture, to calmness, peace, homeostasis..

If we can learn to calm the sympathetic nervous system and calm the mind that can bring us back to a more centered or grounded place.

Denise had an interesting story to tell about how she used a simple yet powerful tool that can shift everything in moments of anxiety into something else…

3:45 min

Talked a lot about attaching things to our identity, which
Triggered when fear shows up
Fears around money and the thought of lack
implementing curiosity when your brain is tryin to solve a problem
every time there’s a problem, theres going to be a negative emotion along with

6 min

Curiosity is like waiting for a Christmas present
“ I can’t wait to find out”
Shuts the brain off, calms the sympathetic nervous system, and you can’t wait to tell the story
Grounding place comes with the supporting story

9:20 min

Suspending the belief that there is a problem
Connecting with God/Spirit
“ I remember when it worked out for me”

10:30 min

Denises story around a medical bill
She spent 7 days in the hospital, and she didn’t have medical insurance
Bird interruption

12:30 min

Denise went from “where’s this money going to come from to “I am so curious how this bill is going to get paid” with a strong intention
Like a great mystery, “ I know it’s coming”
Denise didn’t qualify for the first program, she stayed curious
The hospital has sponsors for people who can’t pay the medical bill

15:20 min

85% of her bill was covered
She eliminated so much personal suffering by staying curious
Like “what am I getting for Christmas?”

18 min

More like a mystery than detective work
Once you have curiosity.. stick with it like “I wonder what else?”
Also a component of trust, “something is coming!”
Benevolent creative energy
Denise has a great tool box for her happiness
Whats happens when the voice of anxiety continues

22:10

Oh fear’s here, time to get curious
Denise is on the play ground with God
Denise challenges Aaron on needing 2 grand to show up, and reframed it to “I would Like 2 grand to show up”
Do you know what you’re going to use the money for
Once we start surrendering, you have full permission to say “I don’t know”

24:45 min

Releasing attachment to the outcome and the path is in your
On a brain level it releases the self-doubt
It takes your attention off of the need to suffer in anxiety
“I don’t have to figure it out” is Denise’s relationship with Spirit / God
Choices that brings challenges, aren’t wrong.. sometimes you need the challenge and the test

27:30 min

It takes courage to learn from life challenges
The ego is all about trying to figure things out
“Do I want to continue to suffer?” My way out is to do the complete
Control is brought to you by fear

29:40 Aaron Closes

Thanks of listening to TKOL Podcast.

If you’d like to Connect with Denise you can find her at NewParadigmofLove.com

If you are looking to move past your heartache and gain more self-worth.

I’d love to connect with you. You can find me here thekindoflove.com

Or follow me on instagram.com/aarontosti

Yo’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with David Tosti and Ryah Arthur about how a brotherhood group can be so vital to a mans life. thekindoflove.com/promo

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

GUEST INFO

www.TMPL.one

Ryah Arthur

https://www.instagram.com/samuryah

David Tosti

https://www.instagram.com/davidtosti

Show Notes :23 min Aaron Talks

Here we are another episode of TKOL podcast. This episode is a little different. I’ve been on this kick lately around masculinity and what it looks like to be a man in our modern culture.

Centuries ago we were swinging axes and protecting each other on a battlefield somewhere.

Even in our last hundred years we’ve either picked up a trade that our fathers shared with us. But in these modern times we put all those trades down to maybe become entrepreneurs of sorts.

For men it seems like in modern times we either join a community, build our own community, or find ourselves in the in between.

As men in our modern culture…

It’s not uncommon to feel isolated, alone, and caged from your inner passions.

You need to be seen for who you are, acknowledged for where you’re at, and held to the vision of your future.

Without each other, in brotherhood, without some form of community of men, we become dormant from transforming into the men we want to be, forgetting to take the steps necessary to accomplish our significant missions to make this world better.

And it just so happens that my brother David Tosti and his longtime friend Ryah Arthur, both coaches, have create a group they called TMPL Brotherhood were men can share their stories together, unleash their creativity, be active, and support one another in and outside of daily life.

This idea of men bonding and connecting on a deeper level was so interesting and needed I thought I would let Ryah and David tell you what they’re up to…

2:30 min

early beginnings of temple brotherhood
Dave wanted to bring more men community together
Ryah was all in

5 min

Ryah tribal games
The name TMPL is from the center of community
It’s not just a workout group

7:30 min

distinguishing what brotherhood is from TMPL
Not a-lot of other things that bring men together besides sports
Not getting what you need from your friends

9:30 min

integrate mental, physical, spiritual
ice bath, workouts and more
Each guy is heard with a talking stick
Art and expression

12:30 min

nurturing your creativity
Mens avoidance to nurture
Intentional connection with one or two guys can open up for breakthrough

15:20 min

most men are in their heads
Like dead poet society
Drop judgements, perfection, and have more empathy
More expressive self

17:15 min

TMPL move. Get In the body
Monthly themes
Deep dive breath-work

19:30

the book the War of Art
In war shield was actually for the person next them in war
Ryah and David are bring the concept of the shield to the modern man

22:20 min

it’s way easier to give than to receive
Its really powerful medicine to be there when another man is going through a heavy time
Men knowing its ok to feel what their feeling

25 min

interesting stories from TMPL
Men have put themselves out of their comfort zone
the thing you most fear is usually the navigational tool to point you in the right direction

28:20 min

quote from Joseph Cambell
Often people are like the walking dead
Men having support whatever vocation they want to pursue
Hold you to your pations

30:15 min

when you’re living in your true purpose you’re going to make the world better
What TMPL looks like for 2021-22

Thanks for listening!

If anything from this episode has resonated or connected with you in some way, I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts by giving TKOL podcast a review or sharing this episode with a friend.

If you’d like to connect with the temple brotherhood you can reach out to them on Instagram @TMPL_one

I’ve left additional links in the show notes.

You’ve been listening to the kind of podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks about the possibility of staying together when you’re on the verge of divorce. instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

Show Notes

If there’s one thing that breaks my heart is seeing people get divorced, especially when I can see that it’s recoverable.

Here are the top reasons get divorced

Money

Lack of intimacy

Infidelity

Abuse

Lack of compatibility

Physical appearance

Addictions

Getting married at an early age

Getting married for the wrong reasons

Lack of communication

Lack of equality and loss of identity

None of these said psychopath or sociopath. Just to speak a caveat.. I’m not saying divorces are all bad, or that in some instances they can actually be liberating and send someone on a healing journey..

What I’m intending for this episode, is that.. wherever you go there you will be. But if you can heal and shift your perspective and grow into a better more present version of yourself while remaining married.. it’s possible.

I’ve sat down many times with someone who is at the tipping point of their relationship. That moment where harmful patterns have been overlooked and not addressed. Things are really starting to fall apart. Someones at the edge of a nervous break down, or someone did the unthinkable.

Every relationship is a dance. It takes two to create harmful patterns.

Being from a divorced family myself, seeing several divorces go down, and having several heartbreak relationships in my life..

What I’ve noticed is that we fall in love one loving behavior at a time, and we also fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time.

Just like gaining or loosing weight, you gain one unhealthy bite at a time, but you can also loose weight one thoughtful meal and exercise at a time.

In divorce, you have this seemingly overnight experience that the relationship came apart and “it’s over”. But what you really have is these unloving behaviors staked on top of each other.

Trust is built over time, and can be restored overtime.

Unloving behaviors come from a place of fear to where we forget that we fell in love with our partner at some point.

One thing you can do is write a list of what had you fall in love with that person in the first place.

Ask yourself, “what did I get out of falling in love with this person?”

What did they give you?

And whatever it is that you got out of being with that person whether it’s affection, confidence, a sense of security, romance, intimacy… can you give that to yourself ?

We are always on a path of discovering more and more about ourselves on a daily basis.

You’re either moving towards being a healthy person, or you are moving away from that into being an unhealthy person.

And it takes ONE PERSON, just one person in the relationship to put their foot down and become a healthy version of themselves.

A more honest, healthy, truer version of themselves.

And THAT is what becomes attractive.

Not only are you making healthy relationship choices and breaking away from co-dependency, but the healthy parts of you become attractive to the healthy parts of your partner.

Not only do you begin to trust yourself again, but you also give your partner the freedom that they need to have to be themselves.

When you are ok with being yourself, you don’t need that person to be a certain way for you.

The biggest problem in relationships is that we think the other person is our problem and that drives us insane.

“If they we’re they way they are, then I would have to respond, act, and be this way”

But when we look at ourselves and notice how we’re contributing to the relationship..

What you’re doing

Why you’re doing it

And understanding what that is about for us, and what the story is that we’re telling ourselves around the relationship

And then TURN AROUND those behaviors, habits, thought patterns.

Slowing down enough to understand what those thoughts and feelings are telling you.

And then ask yourself, “Is this belief I keep holding about this relationship even True?”

We all operate from a place of either LOVE or FEAR.

A place of GIVING or a place of trying to GET our needs met.

A pace of RECEIVING, ALLOWING, AND ACCEPTING or a place of trying to block and control.

So it just takes that one person to step up to the plate, and love themselves.

At the core of loving yourself is learning how to be present with yourself.

Gaining the capacity to do what’s best, kind and loving for you, you’re then able to understand and have compassion for your partner.

You’re able love them and have the capacity to be present for them.

You’re then able to have capacity for your kids if you have them.

And then understanding the story you have been telling yourself all this time..

Is it a story of “I’m going to be rejected if..XY and Z happen”

Or is it “I’m going to be abandoned if they leave or XYZ happens.”

When you believe these fears, you do behaviors and strategies to compensate because you think it gives you what you want.

But the truth is… you’re not getting your needs met.

If you know someone, or you are that someone struggling to love themselves

Or Maybe you’re not allowing other people to love you.

Or maybe you find it hard to set a boundary when you’re in a situation of unloving behavior

I just want you to know there is hope and possibility for you out there.

There is a choice out there for you

There is a commitment out there for you to make a shift and a change.

You can do something different.

You can change the pattern.

You can break the patterns of the past.

Thanks for listening to TKOL podcast.

As always, if you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns, on the verge of divorce, and want to reclaim your self-worth, you can connect with me on instagram @aarontosti or thekindoflove.com

I’m here to be of service.

Thanks for Listening TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Lisa Zega, a Grief Specialist and Coach, about releasing stories of grief after divorce, death, and loss of self. Instagram.com/lisamichellle.legityou

https://www.facebook.com/groups/legityou/?ref=share

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

Show Notes :25 Aaron Talks

Not to be a downer, but we are going to be talking about grief…

What doesn't work is holding on to your untold stories of grief. and these untold stories of grief stick with us and get played over and over again either in our minds or in our experiences.

If you experienced a major break in relationships, if you've experienced a death in your family, if you've have to move in your life, if you've experienced anything where you have loss and aspect of yourself or your life, it's ok to grief that loss.

We've been told a lie as adults that we're suppose to avoid pain at all costs. We’re taught to rush to a positive mindset without honoring the pain. That somehow being hurt isn't strong. Unlike little kids who are willing to admit their hurt, acknowledge it, cry it out, feel better and move on, adults tend to hide, avoid, compensate, and let our grief go unprocessed. When you do this you actually DON't let go of the past and instead continue to suffer for it. You hold onto it and it becomes a filter you see the world through, and so you will continue to have the experience over and over again.

What we need is to learn to listen to our emotions. How to learn how to learn from our emotions. Process our grief from the past. Welcome the pain, honor what it's there to teach us. Be our younger selves best friend. So we can experience more of the live we want to live.

My guest Lisa Zega is a mother, wife, and coach who experienced the loss of many things. The loss of the connection with her kids, the loss of death of her fiancé, and the loss of herself in her first marriage.

She's a Life Coach now that specializes in helping women process grief on all levels.

As a teenager I met Lisa years ago when she was in her first marriage, and it's always powerful to see people when they step into their full selves after many tragedies..

I'll let Lisa tell you the rest..

3:40 min

What got Lisa into grief coaching

Recognition of grief
Unsaid stories from grief that holding us back
Anything that brings up conflicting emotions is grief

3:08 Lisa’s story of grief

After Lisa divorced, her children stopped talking to her
Engaged and her fiancé died in a motorcycle accident
Happening for me rather than against me
Grief lives rent free put costs us a lot
When stories are locked inside of us, we can’t imagine a future

5:15 To Me vs For Me

Different forms of grief
Lisa’s life was “like job in the Bible”
Processing the loss of relationships and physical connection

8 min living life as a victim

Misconception of being strong
Therapist tells Lisa the truth
“Being obedient to your husband” is a great structure for living like a victim
Being a self righteous victim

10:40 min Becoming a coach

Words and wisdom are always the same thing
Getting over a break up or a death
Sadness can be a healing emotion

12 min Why is this happening to me ?

Its a victim question
The suffering you add to your suffering
Releasing the why and the idea that there’s something wrong with me
Being ok with the normal emotional responses

14 min - not intellectualizing grief

Not go sleep with someone to hide the pain
Allow for the pain without judgment
Loss is apart of many parts of loss
Pause for laughter

17:30 min Aaron’s story of his parents divorced

Aaron thinking he caused his parents divorce by bad karma
Did I wish this upon my family ?
Having the language of the heart
Our intellect was not meant to solve for our heart
In the church a scripture can solve and wish a pain away
12 year old Aaron needed a voice to conflicting emotions

18:50 min

We don’t have emotional language for our grief
Not Rushing to the good pots without comforting the pain
Welcome emotions, what are you hear to teach me
Suffering becomes a choice

20:20 min Learning to learn from your emotions

How to process sadness where there’s an acceptance period
Clean pain, and then what we make that mean
Dirty pain is the thought that comes with it
Tied in with I’m not worthy and there’s something wrong with me

22:10 min Lisa never met her biological father

What little kids do to make sense
Foundation of rejection and abandonment
Belief that creates a grief story that

23:45 some of the stories that people tell themselves

“I’m not enough” was Aaron’s story
We’re all human and going to stay human
Healing isn’t becoming perfect
Pause for laughter
Expansive humans are willing to feel all the feelings
Otherwise emotions get dulled

27 min

Your heart speaks a different language than you’re brain
Being willing to sit with your emotions
Words are healing once you understand and feel the emotional component

28 min Aaron’s story

Aaron wouldn’t be a coach if he didn’t re-traumatize himself and understand for himself
Observing yourself as the victim
Stop the overthinking, it’s a trauma response
Observing your thoughts set you free
Shame comes in to re-punish self
Rehearse the trauma over and over again

31:40 min Lisa interviews Aaron

Aaron had to grieve the loss of that relationship
Hiding sadness with anxiety
I need to go grieve the thing from your childhood
Pain is locked in a closet of a house
Being your childhood selfs best friend

34:30 min

Energy of expansion
Sold the lie that we’re suppose to avoid pain at all cost
Helping people resolve emotions
Like a kid processing pain

37:20 getting the results of childhood over and over again

Living in the familiar painful comfort
Let me tell you about my “was”-band
We get attracted to people similar energy

39 min survive and evolve

We’re always becoming more of ourselves
And honest reflection of grieving the lost
If you don’t grieve the lost you’ll head back to old ways
Refining more of your true self
You can only change what you’re aware of
Rip the band aid of awareness
Be kind to yourself and let go

38:40 creating a life that you have not yet experienced

Getting comfortable getting uncomfortable
Every human goes to the familiar
Creating and allowing new pathway
Loved

44 min Aaron endorses this message

Let’s not do math of when we met shall we?
Lisa Comes in swinging with joy

45 min Aaron Closes

Thank you for listening.

If you’d like to connect with Lisa you can go to..

Instagram.com/lisamichellle.legityou

Or find her on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/groups/legityou/?ref=share

If you are struggling in harmful relationship patterns, overthinking, people pleasing, and self doubt, you can connect with me at

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/aarontosti

You’re listening to TKOL Podcast

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with J. Churchill Morris about how he learned to bring empathy, curiosity, and kindness after having over 1000 first dates. instagram.com/aarontosti

instagram.com/churchill.morris

JMorris.co

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :23 min Aaron Talks

I think dating can get convoluted, complicated and you can get carried away in some kind of story you’re creating around a person that’s not reality or hasn’t fully developed yet..

I mean dating especially from your mid to late 20s and beyond. When you’ve been through the ringer enough times. You’ve had some heartache, you’ve had some good experiences that you’ve held onto a little too much. Like the partner that you thought was going to work out, but then set you on a different course. Maybe that was a healing journey, maybe that was just a distraught detour of frustration and heartache to where, you’re not really sure if being with someone something you even care to have.

Maybe you just want to have fun, and never settlin into a relationship ever again.

I’ve been there. I’m still there. My married friends will tell me they’re thankful they don’t haven’t to deal with dating and the ups and downs.

And yet I still want to have the enjoyment and excitement of meeting someone new, the relationship feeling new again, and the romance of having intimacy, passion, and excitement.

If you’ve come to any sort of awareness about why things haven’t worked out for you, you’ve realized that the on some level you’re the common denominator, you’re the director of your own dating life.

Maybe you’ve gone to therapy, or worked with a coach to sort out what about you is holding you back from the love you want.

It’s challenging right ? You have to look at stuff like you’re past childhood, and what it taught you about love. You have to look at your past relationships to notice what you’ve learned.

And all the while you’re just wondering, can I just go out on a date, have some laughs and see where the it leads without getting caught up in your head, or getting emotionally devastate like you got from your from your past experiences.

To say it simply, dating can be overwhelming. So we anxiously chase it or avoid it like the plague.

But it’s about finding your center. Its about learning to trust your intuition and learn what it takes to become a secure person who’s bold enough to date anyone.

I brought my friend and fellow coach J. Morris who has been on over a thousand dates. Yea, he counted them.

We talk about some of the key fundamental ingredients to having a better dating life.

Being curios enough to put your expectations, fears and internal pressure aside to really just get to know someone.

Being empathic enough to understand where someone is coming from and not project your experiences from the past into the relationship.

And being Present and mindful enough to be on the date you’re actually on, rather than the relationship you’re making up in your head and fantasizing over.

4:10 min

Jay introduces himself
J has had over 1000 dates
J feels like he’s at his best for meeting the person

7:00 min

J’s values empathy, curiosity, and kindness
Low expectation of what it has to be
From bumble date to roommates
The more you get to know other people, the more we get to know more of your story

9:00 min AUDIOGRAM

Going in with low expectation
Best intentions low attachment
Being present on a date is meaningful
Intentionally can get toxic when there’s a lot of weight to it
Getting lost in your head, anxiety that is paralyzing, will get sabotaging

11:30 min

No rules, just is everyone ok with whats happening
It’s taken J a while to deconstruct the social expectation
Aaron comes from a similar background of putting a lot of expectations

13:40 min

There something interesting that happens when you ask good questions and listen
Sometimes our best foot forward means too much of us trying to impress people
It takes vulnerability
Goal not to rattle of my resume, but let someone share a bit of who they are
Don’t suck the fun by trying to have deep conversations

16:50 min AUDIOGRAM

not of variety on dating apps
Try to think one level deeper when answer
Leave the door cracked for more
At our core we just want to be seen understood, and noticed
Connect on a deeper level on the date

19:20 min

Acknowledge the power of your story, there’s power there
Learning how to small talk, dead end questions vs open questions
Giving your date a round of dialogue, make space for your conversation to go somewhere

22:10

Where has curiosity lead J ?
Give yourself permission to not write someone off right away
Female and male experiences are very different

25:00 min

a women has usually gone through a lot of men and choose you
Not looking at people as disposable, these are real people
Out of all of the potential humans, they’re here with me
Even though Aaron wants to pick a bone with the app, it’s still easy for everyone to make it about yourself

27:40 min AUDIOGRAM

the point is not hurry up and find a partner, it’s to be present and really get to know someone
As soon as J dropped his spiritual expectations, it made it alot easier
J had a great relationship that was good but ended
There was a girl J dated, and he was real about not having a long term relationship,

30:40 min AUDIOGRAM

Not making the other person do the guest work
Communication always, simple texts, be kind
Make communication your first love language
Be the change you want to see in the world

32:30 min

Meaning making machines
Aaron’s anxious attachment style
Ghosting is a two way street
Being honest stings for a second but is better in the long run

33:50 min AUDIOGRAM

Knowing your worth
Knowing your triggers and not projecting
Just because you have trust issue doesn’t mean you put your baggage on your new date
Just because your attracted to someone, doesn’t mean they’re perfect

36:10 min AUDIOGRAM

We all have limiting beliefs
We like to go into brain entertainment, if there’s no connection move on
Normalizing the dating process
Not staying in a crappy relationship because your afraid

37:30 min

understanding what a false sense of security is
J’s worst dating story, tacos and margaritas
The girl was really slow, thought she was nervous, she was stoned
Lesson: don’t show up high on your first date

40:30 min Closing

Did you think of something you’ve never thought about before?
Leave a review and let us know what you took away from this episode

You can connect with J on instagram.com/churchill.morris or on his website JMorris.co for branding and identity coaching

If you’re struggling with dating, harmful relationship patterns, overthinking and dating just doesn’t deliver, I’d love to have a conversation with you.

You can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti

Or at thekindoflove.com

This is TKOL podcast.

Thanks for listening.

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to You

View Details

In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about the 3 components to creating mindful communication in any relationship. instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :25 min

What does it mean to have mindful communication ?

Had I known the communication skills that I know today, I would have had a lot more understanding, closure, and depth in my past relationships.

Not listening, not seeking to be on the same page, and creating unintentional injuries is what I wish I could recover from my past.

1:30 min

We do a lot of unawares hurtful things, many unintentional injuries. Thats what separates us.

What if we listened first. What if we understood someone else first? Instead of just hearing what they’re saying, what if we understood what they were saying. And then we might also be understood.

2:30 min

Every relationship is a dance and a two way conversation.

When you assume someone isn't on your "side", on your team, or in your tribe, they could tell you something true like the sky is blue and you will still feel threatened. That's how we deal with conflict when we are in survival mode. We assume. We think that the other person is innately in our worst interest. That they are there to attack. and so we go into some kind of fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. It’s a strategy to keep us safe from being unloved.

3:30 min

I was on a zoom call recently and they were asking when you’re experiencing tension, and this fight flight and freeze response fires off in your brain, who do you most get triggered by out of the 4 options family, co-worker, friends, internet troll.. Do you have an answer for yourself yet? Well in the zoom meeting over 60% of the group answer family. Meaning, over 60% when it comes to speaking your mind and stating your opinion, most people feel the weight of a judgmental threat from their family. The people they should feel the most safe with, the most connect with, are feeling the most disconnected and threatened by.

4:20 min

What is happening between the people that you love most? What are you holding on to? Are you creating love with people who are closest to you? and what does that even take to create a healthy connection?

You get there by having mindful communication.

Think about communication as the ultimate love language.

You get there with Mindful listening, Mindful Questioning, and Mindful Intentions..

4:50 min

Mindful listening is seeking to understand, then being understood. That's what disarms peoples defense mechanisms. It disarms their fight or flight survival response to react out of fear, and it creates a safe space for you and the person to develop trust and attention. The other person feels seen, understood, valued, and heard, and out of natural human response, and the little mirror neurons in our brains, will most likely want to get to know you. (also a great little love hack for dates)

5:50 min

Mindful questions. Even though you may not agree. Asking mindful questions make it about getting to know that person, rather than the nervous system seeing them as a threat, or the enemy. Questions, not facts, not opinions, not convictions, not judgments, not criticism... questions. Have you ever seen people in fights ? This is why the drama escalates. No one is listening or asking questions.. Asking questions is also a way to seek to understand rather than trying to GET someone to understand you. And, most likely that will be reciprocated. When you position yourself in a curious role, your survival mode shifts to a creative mode and you're not trying to attack or defend. The fight, flight, or freeze response subsides. You begin to develop trust and have that mirrored back.

7:10 min

Mindful Intentions. This could have gone first. The other two are a little more obvious, this one hides in the shadows. Because we don't always check in with ourselves and what our motives are. This one is the most effective step, and shifts everything for the dialogue and purpose of any conversation. What are you wanting to get out of this conversation? Whats the purpose ? You have the choice to steer the conversation wherever you'd like. Setting a precedent, an intention for what you want the conversation to be about shifts everything. The practical steps here is to give yourself a minute to pause, doesn't matter where you are in the conversation, ask yourself what do I want out of this conversation? Where is this headed? You might even say out loud and at the beginning of the conversation what you want the conversation to be about. Put that out on the table for both of you and then hold yourself to it.

8:50 min

Try it the next time you feel threatened in a conversation, or you can even practice in a non-threatening conversation with someone you already feel safe with. Remind yourself by asking “Am I present and listening?” “Am I asking questions to understand ? And, “What are my intentions right now ?”

When you’re willing to check back in with yourself, you always have a chance to shift the conversation where you want to go.

You can shift it from harmful to helpful.

It's all about having mindful communication.

9:30 min

Hope you enjoyed this episode of TKOL.

If you were able to reframe and had a change in perspective about how your communication is contributing to your relationships, please let me know by leaving a review in the comments.

If you are struggling with people pleasing, self-doubt, overthinking, and finding yourself chasing harmful relationship patterns. Let me know how I can be a support to you.

You can connect and direct message me on instagram @aarontosti or find some helpful resources at thekindoflove.com

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Artist Coach, Nik Cherwink about how to take on healthy masculinity and vulnerability in life and relationships. thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

instagram.com/nikcherwink

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :23 min Aaron Talks

Growing up in a culture where the phrase toxic masculinity gets thrown around a lot and where there is a need for men to redefine and reframe what healthy masculinity looks like.

We’ve heard things like

Vulnerability is be weak
Men aren’t supposed to show there emotions

What do we do with emotions like anger or stress ?

Nik Cherwink is an athlete and an artist. He coaches musicians in their business and their creativity.

Reframing and Knowing that to be vulnerable is not weak, hiding is weak, and when we take the risk to share our emotions, we become grounded and create deeper connection.

being a vulnerable strong man
Struggling with being an artist and an athlete
Expressing your emotions like anger without exploding and being harmful
Our culture has no initiation for men and addressing our masculinity and we don’t have a place to address that it becomes toxic

3:15 min

Aaron’s intro about the story’s we tell ourselves
What Nick is doing now, it began helping artists with their creativity and life
Nik became intentional doing men’s work

6:50 min

Nik acknowledging that he’s not there yet to coach men
Nik wants to start making music himself
Being an artist, athlete, and blanking the masculine and feminine

9:00 min

Being and artist but also releasing the wild man
Nik has struggled with two identities
Nik was always into sports and music
All of us are both of masculine and feminine

11:00 min

Externally we get out of balance and that can get
Artists get trapped in to feminine, but some times get lost in the masculine

12:00 min

Nik’s story of sports to music and rave culture
Balancing Healthy masculinity
Being a chronic procrastinator
Nik’s father was not being there
Finding masculinity through sports
Not having a place for men to get initiated

15:20 min

How can we as guys live more healthy in the masculine
Being vulnerable as a man
Putting up a front is from a place of fear
More masculine and courage to be vulnerable, let go, share your emotions and not be fake

18 min

Acknowledge and express
Being assertive, masculine, and sharing your feelings
Noticing whats coming up
Being present and not going to vices
Have a healthy release out like like Crossfit and drumming

21:20 min

When it comes up in relationships
Can I express my emotions from a place of grounded-ness
Don’t blow over but also don’t shove it down
Learning how to deal with anger
Being mad for no reason and understanding it’s not from anything current happening

24 min

Navigating your anger in a relationship without it being harmful
Nik’s story around navigated anger
When a fight is escalating, holding boundaries, and speaking firmly in love
Understanding that we’re not going to talk in that way

27:45 min

Feminine wants to be guided, directed, and grounded
Establish respect for both people

29 min

Most of this wasn’t taught to Nik by his father
Get out there and pick up some of these books
Book: The Yay of the Superior Man
Book: No More Mister Nice Guy

31 min

Glad you could join this conversation on TKOL Podcast.

Did you have any breakthroughs or ah-has ? Please share your feedback in the podcast review section.

If you’re an artist and you’d like to get to the next level in your creativity and your career, you can connect with Nik on instagram.com/nikcherwink

If you struggling in harmful relationship partners like people pleasing, overthinking, self-doubt and you are frustrated with love you can connect with me on instagram.com/aarontosti or thekindloflove.com

Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron

Best of Love to you

View Details

In this solo-episode, Aaron shares his story of struggles after a break up, and how he recovered by observing his thoughts and being kind to his nervous system. instagram.com/aarontosti

thekindoflove.com

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes 23 min Aaron Talks

What do you mean hug your thoughts and befriending your nervous system?
It was a conclusion I came to after being in therapy.
I was repeating myself, it was a form of trauma
I began observing the thoughts, emotion, and stress I was in

2:00 min

Catastrophizing your relationship. Making it worst in my brain and thoughts.
I was in a roller coaster relationship
Be careful when self-diagnosing
I was getting triggered in my environment
There wasn’t a real relationship

3:45 min Not Beating Yourself Up

I was should-ing all over myself
It’s not your fault, its how you where programed to be in a relationship
Not taking you or your partner personally
I began to have compassion for myself
Notice your thoughts and detach from them

5 min

Romanticizing the good parts after a break up
Being in denial and living in a fantasy. You’re not accepting the entire picture
Continuing to go down harmful thought patterns
Every relationship is a two way conversation and a dance, are you in sync ?

6:15 min

Hard time to moving on
We get attached and even addicted to the stories we tell ourselves
Feel like you’re still in the relationship by re-traumatizing yourself
beating yourself is a dysfunctional way to stay safe, but actually a survival mechanism
I was on a loop, like a song on repeat

7:50 min

Had to Heal my thoughts and your nervous system and see how they are connected
Every time I was triggered, the emotion put be back in the loop again
Why would I put us through a roller coaster relationship ?
What about you is causing the hurt ?
We don’t consciously try to destroy a relationship or try to harm it

9:10 min

My ex had forgiven me, but I hadn’t forgiven myself
You have to have empathy and compassion towards yourself
You have to hug and be kind to yourself to move on
We get addicted to the high and low
Only way to break free from a relationship is to love yourself
Had to tame your inner critic, and see yourself for who you are
Un-forgiveness is a trap

10:45 min

We want to protect ourselves and stay safe
Whats happening on a conscious but also an unconscious level
Stick instead of a snake, not seeing behavior as a treat
Just a story keeping you in a pain loop

12 min

Befriend your nervous system
Hugging your thoughts
Slow down, pause and observe whats going on for you
We typically go into relationships and experience similar behaviors, and see our partners as a threat
See Your partner as a gift to learn more rather than a threat
Understand what the trigger is for you
It’s not always a threat

14 min

We are meaning making machines, it’s how we interpret a situation
Having compassion for your thoughts
How would you love a bully
If you’re constantly living in a story that’s causing pain, ask if its true or not
Stop attaching an identity to you thoughts
Observe your thoughts and emotions
Take your nervous system out for a walk

16:30 closing thoughts

If you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns and finding your self-worth, you can connect with me on instagram @aarontosti or thekindoflove.com

Thanks for listening to TKOL podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Ben Steinbacher about growing your business and relationships from a place of authenticity. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes
:23 min

Aaron Talks

We’re going to turn the corner from the normal conversations I typically have about healing yourself or having a better relationship within, getting over harmful relationship patterns, and I just wanted to share some of my path and journey.

I was getting super frustrated with growing a business. And I this episode is probably the most important thing that not a lot of people talk about in a growth mindset.

Whether thats a growth mindset in your business or your relationships. And that most important thing is authenticity. Authenticity breeds vulnerability and requires courage. People respond to your authenticity. They don’t respond to a copied message in your instagram direct message. They connect with relationship.

So for me, I was answer the question “how do I build my coaching business off of relationships and have a real honest connection with people. I want people to feel seen heard and understood, and hopefully want to work with me.

Thats when I met Ben Steinbacher and he exuded exactly what I was looking for. With these other business growing programs I learned somethings. I learned how to build a better website and how to write copy a little better. But there’s a connection peace with every, and that is authenticity.

I got a chance to work with Ben and on this particular episode we talk about some struggles that we all face whether we’re a growth mindset about relationships or about business.

It really comes down to stretching yourself and learning the lesson. Proving to yourself that you can do the thing that you want to do. Many of us have a fear of rejection and so how do we overcome that fear of rejection ? That will not only show up in our partnerships but in our business.

Ultimately we all want to be loved. If we’re coming from a place of wanting to be loved, approved, and validated from our achievements, that can get get unhealthy.

So I invited Ben to come talk with me about growth from an authentic place.

3:10 min Ben traveling to LA

traveling as a human and coaching yourself first
Not leading a small life
Not as logical and believing God is leading me

6:20 Ben’s lesson

Not living by the worst case scenarios
70% of our lives is being controlled by our fears and looking other possibilities
different scenarios same person

8:00 min Stretching Yourself

Lets put you Africa, a see if you’re a different person
We’re all growing and changing
Proving yourself to yourself
More trust and confidence in yourself

11:00 min Be in a big gym Stretch each other

A culture of Celebrating yourself
Focus on the process rather than the result
playing the game to grow
Your less likely to engage in the process if you continue

13:00 min How do you show up for the process ?

There’s no book thats simply read and find a partner
Whatever you focus on grows

15:30 min

The hardest lessons are the ones that grow you the most
The lesson of rejection

17:00 min Dating and Coaching

The power of overcoming rejection
Coaching is a very intimate relationship
Coaching divorced parents
Being ok when others don’t want what you want

21:40 min Slaying the Giants in Life

Why Ben calls himself an authentic coach
What does it take to slay a Giant
Most people don’t know who they are
People trying to do the same thing, just to be love

24:40 min Performing to be Liked

Beens ben and done things just to be liked
Had dream jobs and because he didn’t address his wound, it still wasn’t enough
It will never be enough if you look for outward achievements to validate yourself

28:00 min Connecting Authentically

Ben’s practices for connecting authentically
Being real about what you like
Holding people to their highest potential
Being clear on what you wanted to do well

31:30 min Building Relationships and Adding Value

Aaron’s take away from working with Ben
All of the things
Getting down to the context and the way
Social media and biz strategies come and go, but being authentic wins

34:30 min Ben’s legacy

Leaders create leaders
Believing in others first
Helping others bring their goals to life

36:20 min

Aaron was inspired to be a bad ass heart centered coach
Owning your authenticity
Love is bigger than money

37:40 min Aaron Closes

Thanks for being apart of this conversation with ben and I about authenticity in business and relationships. How you do anything is how you do everything.

Please feel free to share anything that was an “ah-ha” or breakthrough moment in the review section. It helps me know what better things to provide.

If you want to connect with ben cause you’re a coach and you want to lean into being more leadership and being more authentic in growing your business. Maybe you are looking at getting past some overthinking and owning your self worth. You can find Ben on instagram @bensteinbacher

If you feel stuck in relationship patterns you’re welcome to connect with me @aarontosti on instagram or thekindoflove.com

I help peopFear, Codependent, divorce, Ideas, Men, business, Relationship, authenticity, growth, mindset, feelings, healing, marriage, recovery, selflove, selfworth, trauma, truth, womenle with codependent patterns like people pleasing, overthinking, and chasing harmful relationship patterns.

If you want someone to talk to feel free to hit me up, direct message me. I’d love to talk with you.

You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about why you might people please and how to have better regard for yourself. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

thekindoflove.com instagram.com/aarontosti

Show Notes
:23 min

Why do you think you people please? Why do you think anyone people pleases?

Do you people please? Do you say yes because you’re going to get acceptance or approval? Or win someone over by saying yes ?

Maybe you might get judged for saying “no”.

I’ve been an over committer for most of my life, and I would say yes to just anyone. I would say yes to any party, get together invite just to say yes to all of my friends and show up.

I remember showing up to parties for like and hour, and saying I have to go. Then I really never enjoyed the evening with anyone person because I was bouncing around to 3-4 different places just to show face and not spend any quality time.

I thought I had to be everything to everyone. That doesn’t sound exhausting does it?

I would say yes to helping someone right when I’m in the middle of doing good work.

2 min

When you people please you are signing an invisible contract.

The invisible contract that says now that I lowered my standards to meet your needs instead of mine, we both agree to treat me this way from now on.

And we do this unintentionally, invisibly, and unconsciously at first.

What’s helpful to ask yourself is, “what do I get out of making this person happy by not acknowledging and neglecting myself?”

We all want to be loved, so I don’t blame anyone for wanting to be love.

3:30 min

The thing is just how we go about trying to get our needs met.

People pleasing is a strategy on it’s own to get and instant gratification, not our actual needs met.

It’s a way to get the like, get someone to see your value in the moment, but sacrificing your time, energy, value, spreading yourself thin and not actually accomplishing much.

You become boundaries and spiral out of control, meeting the needs of everyone else, and teaching them that it’s ok to call on you and be at their beck and call, instead of address what you need to take care of in that moment.

4:20 min

The antidote is checking in with yourself and listening to your intuition in the moment when your people pleasing skills are being needed, and asking would this be harmful or helpful for me?

What am I teaching this person in this moment?

What am I training myself to do right now?

Whats in my best interest?

Am I neglecting my needs for the greater good? Or am I needing to be liked, approved of, accepted and loved?

It’s challenging in those moments to slow down and pause to acknowledge yourself, because you’ve trained yourself for so long to auto response and please others.

5:20 min

It’s time to pause and rethink your response. Reframe the story going on in your head. And choose a response that would be helpful and not harmful… to yourself.

Is the need they have urgent? Can it wait? Can anyone else take care of that need? Can they take care of that need themselves?

You don’t always have to be at everyone’s beck and call.

I had a wise friend once say, “never do something for someone else that they can do for themselves.”

Only do things for others that they can’t do themselves.

Ultimately you have to find your own self worth. And when you take one loving step with yourself, one kind step at a time, you begin to find your own self worth. These people pleasing responses will melt away.

6:15 min

Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast!

Was this helpful? What other questions do you have about being “people pleasy”?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a review and let me know how you enjoyed this episode.

If you’re struggling with Harmful relationship Patterns. You’re feeling people Pleasy, Overthinking the Relationship, maybe you have an anxious attachment style… I’d love to connect with you and see if I can be of support!

You can connect with me on Instagram @aarontosti or you can visit the website thekindoflove.com

Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you!

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Nick Flora about what to expect after taking healthy pause on your relationship. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/aarontosti

Show Notes
:25 min

Aaron Talks

Welcome back to part 2 of loving your partner by taking a PAUSE. No we’re turning the conversation over to what to expect after you take to pause in your relationship.

Taking a pause can be an act of love. It’s setting aside time to grow yourself and understand what you want and what you need in the relationship so you can potentially come back together and love yourselves better and each other better.

There’s not necessarily any guarantees in life. You have to be ok with mutually growing separately. Sometimes we hear the phrase “pause” and we think “break up”. We might see it as a threat. We can see it as the other person rejecting or abandoning us. Maybe its not about that. Maybe its about growing and learning your attachment style and leaning more into love.

Sometimes it takes separating yourself in the relationship to really examine yourself. Sometimes you can really look through and examine yourselves together.

Only you really know that answer. Its a challenging place, but you can do it in a healing way. It doesn’t always have to propel us back into a harmful relationship pattern.

It’s more about making a mutual agreement and be on the same page to spend sometimes apart. Know that you love each other, but this is about growth from within.

Here is my remind Nick Flora, also a self-development coach. I ask him about the dynamic of the Pause he’s taking in his relationship right now, and what he expects after…

2:55 min

What does Nick want the outcome of all the examining of self
Nick was raise with Jesus, others, you… but it’s ok to by yourself

5 min

The story we tell ourself about “what the no means”
How do you interpret the no and the yes in a relationship

6:10 min

You can be kind and direct at the same time
Whats the mutual agreement ? Are you nursing back your relationship?

8:20 min

Everything is mindful in Nick’s relationship with his former girlfriend
The trouble zone is the invisible agreements you make
It gets tricky when you want to dream again with your partner when you’re separated

11:20 min

When does it turn sexy again ? There’s a special
You’re looking for intimacy when you’re looking for sex
You have to shed a bunch of ego to be healthy with sex
There’s ways to process with out having to go to the other person to get closer

14:50 min

Your ex can be gift if you see them that way
Can you not see a break or a pause as a threat ?
Pausing the relationship but also pausing in the moment

16:20 min

projecting insecurities that end up becoming true
Nick has an anxious attachment style
Being alone is just neutral
Put “the gun” down
We don’t have to pull from our past and stop with the generalities

20:30 min

Their stories are their stories, detachment
Not everything is love or hate, it can be neutral. Is it a love or a hate interpretation
Projecting your future based on your past is harmful

22:30 min

Nick is optimistic
Hope isn’t expecting. High hope low expectation

24 min

The way Nick helps his former girl is staying out of her way
Marriage isn’t always security
Right now its a great friendship that grows where it needs to grow

25:30 min

Aaron Talk

Thanks for listening. Did anything hit you or pop out at you? Are you thinking about reframing yourself, your life or your relationships ? Are you thinking about looking at your life through a different lens? Maybe talking a PAUSE?

If you had any ah-ha’s or takeaways I’d love to hear about them in the reviews of this podcast.

If you’ve found yourself stuck in harmful relationship patterns, maybe you’ve found yourself being co-dependent. Maybe you over think, maybe you self-doubt, maybe you people please. If this sounds like you I’d love to connect.

You can go to thekindoflove.com or you can find my on instagram @Aarontosti

If you want to connect more with Nick you can find him on instagram @NickFlora

Thanks for listening.

I’m Aaron,

Best of Love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with Nick Flora about a healthy approach to taking a pause in your relationship to do more self-development. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES

:25 min

Aaron Talks

How do you know if you need a pause in your relationship ? How do you know if loving your partner in the relationship means spending some time and space apart from each other and redefine your boundaries and who YOU are.

Do you need a deeper sense of awareness or self development to continue in a relationship. Only you really know that answer.

I brought my friend and fellow coach Nick Flora to talk about that very thing. Can taking a PAUSE, which is different than a break up, to become aware of how you operate and function in the relationship, so that you can heal.

Is that possible ? Is that loving your partner? Is that loving yourself? Maybe those two things are simultaneous.

How do you navigate this? How do you know whether or not this is a threat ?

Often we get to this place where start to not like things about our partner, or find ourselves in harmful relationship patterns resurfacing. Maybe You’ve started to acknowledge that you are the common denominator in your relationship.

Either you or your partner might say, “we need to take a pause or a break.” Not break up, but just pause. How do we not see that as a threat?

It can be a loving act to want to better yourself, rethink yourself, or reframe the internal narrative happening in your mind so that you’re more of a content healed person moving forward.

Nick is in the middle of a pause in his relationship. He and his former partner are self-development coaches. I thought it would be interesting to sit down with Nick to talk about this, and what it looks like. How to love yourself and your partner during this time and grow.

Can you still stay connected with that person and create more of a bond, rather than just going in the roller coaster cycle that we often find ourselves in.

Discover your attachment style. Discover what your wants and needs are. And can you give yourself that thing you want or need? Can you be less codependent that way, by giving what you want and need to yourself?

I’ve got some questions for Nick. We’ll let the conversation go from there.

4min

Musician to coaches and doing both
Brains and barking dogs
I’ll pray for you and being “eye rolley”

10 min

How nick and Aaron met
The key that links to what everyone has in common
Shipwreck the podcast
Back and forth with relationships

13 min

stay stuck in the pattern cause it’s familiar
Nick and his former partner were both self development coaches with similar story and named Ship wrecked

15 minutes

Like getting our hearts broken over celeb couples

16 minutes audiogram

Codependency
Let’s just take a pause and the binary world

18 min

Nick just wants to be chosen
The difference between pausing in the moment and actually taking a pause

19:30 min

The basis is friendship and the misconception

21 min

Figuring out what works between Nick and his former girlfriend
Texting is making us communicate more, looking at it from an accurate lens

23 min

Why the pause?
Guilt, shame, deconstructing religion, started the path of deconstruct relationships

25:30 min

Who am I when I’m alone ? Connection to self-worth

26:30

Loving your partner enough to take a pause
Practice being the best version of me while pausing. Its like the house analogy

30 min

Being friends with everyone is not knowing yourself
Shifting your intentions in the moment

32 min

Oxygen in the relationship to let it breathe
Spending intentional time with yourself
practice being alone

33:50 min

Being the observer of yourself and befriending yourself
Not everything in life is threat to me and who I am

37 min

Learning to parent yourself
Ultimate freedom matched with maturity is knowing how to love yourself
Intention matches the outcome

40 min

Chasing or avoiding intimacy
What are your harmful patterns?

40:30 min

Aaron Talks

Hey there! Did you get any golden nuggets, wisdom, or knowledge in there. Anything thing that you rethought about yourself? Let me know by giving a review of this podcast.

We continue this conversation on the next episode. Nick and I talk about what to expect after a relationship?

My mantra is best intentions low attachment. So what can expect from a pause? If you want to connect with Nick Flora you can find him on instagram @nickflora

Thanks for listening.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Links:

thekindoflove.com

EllaLight.com

IG: @aarontosti

In this episode, Aaron talks with Breathe healer Ella Light about how to create more love and less stress in your life simply by using your breath. Show Notes
:25 min

Aaron’s Talks

Welcome back. Are you suffering from challenging moments and traumatic moments that are being you out of the present moment ?

In my pursuit of what love is, and coming to a mutual understanding of how love looks and actually shows up. The questions I had opened up other conversations into other aspects of not only the mind, but the body and spirit.

Understanding that we have the ability to respond, to choose. That’s a power we don’t think about enough. And even though challenging situations and traumas come up, though we may be in a mental state of fear, we can shift that to a mental state of love. And it’s not just about the mind, it’s about the body and spirit. Our breathe is the connection point. It’s the glue that keeps our body, mind and spirit connected.

Breathe is known as life force. How we use it can bring us into the present moment and be the catalyst for changing our response from fear to love.

To open this conversation and help us understand how breathe and love work, I’ve asked my friend Ella to help us understand how we can live and love better, by simply using a tools we all have.. our breathe.

Ella Light is a Breath healer.

3 min

Just take a breath and set an intention.

How breathe and love work. Ella holds space, and that’s her love super power.

4 min

How Ella’s process works. How she holds space and a place of love where her clients can feel relaxed and release what doesn’t serve them.

Ella embodies a sense of openness.

6:30 min

Breathe is the link to our nervous system. It governs all of the vital organs. Our nervous system get overstimulated.

8:10 min

Aaron had a session with Ella. He set an intention to heal from his past relationship trauma. At the end of the session he was able to hold compassion for himself.

10:10 min

To the degree that you experience a trauma is to the degree that you need to love yourself.

Breathe has its own intelligence. You get out of the mind and in your body.

We are all our own healers.

12:10 min

Breathe is so powerful. Most of us don’t think about breathing. Our respiratory system is the only system we can go from automatic to manual drive.

13:40 min

Aaron talks about the involuntary program that we’re running.

You actually have control of how you respond to somebody.

15 min

Aaron asks Ella how you can be on the same page with somebody with your breathe.

How do you create a loving response with your breathe?

16 min

We live in a mind centric culture. The breathe brings the mind back into the body. It brings awareness to the moment.

We’re fractured humans. Breathe brings us into the present.

17:30 min

When you get present with breathe, there’s new information that shows up.

Breathe brings the “ah-ha” moment.

Breathe gives you intuition.

What am I contributing to this relationship ? Is the intention harmful or helpful ? Draw us together or separate us ?

20:30

Your nervous system has been hijacked by a trauma. So you’re in fight, flight or freeze. Only way to get out is to PAUSE and take a breathe.

This isn’t honoring to partner or yourself, but when you breathe there’s

21:50 min

Ella says, Breathe is love. It’s our fuel. It’s our life force. It’s all connected.

I’m loving myself just by breathing alone.

23 min

Now you can respond, before it was just a knee-jerk reaction.

The quality of your breathe, will effect the quality of your outer experience.

Proper way to breathe is down in your belly.

90% of humans aren’t breathing properly.

27 min

Breathing properly creates entrainment. You can feel the fear of someone who is in trauma.

You can entrain down to a heavier experience. The stronger energy is going to win.

29 min

Knowing you have the power to change in the moment. Validate your emotions and where youre at.

That’s the empowering step. Not getting entrained in someone’s BS. I can make this worse or make it better.

33:45 min

We’re now at home a lot and we have all of this time to learn how to breathe.

Not knowing how to breathe properly is causing stress.

You can shift you’re entire day just by knowing how to breathe properly.

Pause, accept the emotion.

32:30 min

Ella is going to give us a Breathe work practice !

Make your exhale longer than our inhale. It signals to our body that your safe, and switches the body over to rest and digest.

Calming panic attacks.

36:30 min

Ella STARTS the Breathe-work practice !!

Close eyes, inhale through nose for 4 counts, hold for a moment, exhale for 6 counts. Repeat 4-5 times.

41 min

Aaron talks about his nervous system calming. Like coals cooling from a fire.

Ella starts to feel more of herself coming online. We’ve brought the mind home to the body. Now there’s a new awareness. A sense of peace and calm.

Aaron says, now he feels like it’s all good.

42:50 min

You can also use the breathe to pump yourself up. Maybe we’ll talk about it in another.

Ella has more access to self love with breathe.

44:00 min

Love start for Aaron like a blue sky. The sense of expansion.

Love wants to expand, hate wants to contract and control.

45 min

Closing talk

Thanks for listening. Are you breathing the way you want to love in your life?

If you want to connect with Ella, you can find her on Instagram @iamellalight or her website ellalight.com

If you’re looking to create more love in your life and shift your patterns from harmful to helpful. I invite you to connect with me at thekindoflove.com

Id love to support you.

Thanks so much for listening to TKOL podcast.

Im Aaron.

Best of love to you.

View Details

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

In this episode, Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a therapy informed Intuitive & Spiritual Mentor, who tells her story of being humanized again after choosing sobriety. Show Notes
00:24 min

Aaron Talks

Hey, welcome back. Here we go. This is the thing. Have you struggled with coping mechanisms to just get by in life. Have you been able to a way out of that coping mechanism into a state of empowerment and choice? Have you validated yourself to step through the hardships and the pain that life has.

My cousin Tracy-Rose has been so kind as to join for the last two episodes. Hopefully you caught the first one. This is part two where we're going to hear more about her story. She Overcame a moment when she had a choice to continue to suffer and continue to feel isolated and go back to harmful patterns. But, She choose differently.

Tracy is a therapy informed intuitive mentor. I love her story because we talk about the low moments when we are on the verge of being small, feeling insignificant and going back to old patterns that reinforce the belief that we're small. It puts us in a victim state. But we always have a choice to make things better.

Often we get comfortable in the chaos of our life. It's a survival mode. And that becomes the norm. It's interesting that in Tracy's story she learned to live in the chaos, to where living in peace was uncomfortable.

So here we go, a conversation between two cousins talking about loving yourself better, being empowered to make a choice, to authenticate yourself, and learn from your experiences.

2:40 min

Tracy feels uncomfortable with peace
Being the perpetuator of the wound and having Peter Pan syndrome
If it was healthy Tracy didn’t want. Tracy didn’t know how to trust peace.
breaking down to break through
Tracy was facing going to prison and that was going to be her life
Spiritual awaking, surrendering to death or surrendering to life.
In Jail you loose your identity you become a number

6:45 min

Tracy spent 3 months in county jail, cried and wrote letters to people she hurt
Jail was a big mirror
Standing in front of the judge Tracy said, “Just give me the time.” And by some form of her higher, humble self asked, “Don’t you rehabilitate.”

9:10 min

going through hoops
Tracy wanted out of torture, despair, suicidal ideation.

10:25 min

Tracy grew up with the idea that “Rehab is for sissies”
Woman’s meeting at rehab Tracy felt humanized again
Life is bittersweet

13:45 min

choosing to fight for yourself instead of against yourself
Loving yourself just happened for Tracy in the last couple of years
Not getting into the shame spiral
Punishing yourself for trying to survive

16:00 min

Tracy arrived at “whatever is meant for me, will be for me.”
Living in uncertainty
Lesson of intuitively knowing how to handle situations
Lesson 2 is learning to live with unresolved issues

18:25 min

We’re an impatient society, needing to be validated externally
the only one who can authentic and validate yourself is you
Parents and Caregivers are just doing their best

20:25 min

Tracy talks about creating a safe place for her son to feel all of his emotions
It takes knowing all your emotions first, children can be beautiful mirrors walking around

22:20 min

learning to not project
Aaron talks about neglecting vital things like water
learning to detach, non attachment
Attachment styles, put down what your doing and go learn yourself

25:25 min

neglecting avoiding self
Primary core wounds
Self-punishment, & shame spiral
Can i just be with myself right now
The power of being alone. Are we ever alone if we have ourselves ?
opening questions about God

27:35 the humble / confident place

Authenticity is a journey
appreciate you seeing what i see in myself, the also
And also, Compliments are humanizing, it doesn’t fill a lack, it adds

31:00 min

compliments can be toxic, like
Other people’s Words are spells
The unhealthy receiving a compliment,
Salve of the Circle, i needed to someone else could make it so that i know that i can make it through

34:20 min

Community is necessary “I need to know you made it through it
the elder reaching back to you reaching back to a child
Finding safety with women

38:45 min Aaron Talks

Hey thanks so much for listening in TKOL podcast. I’d love it if you would leave a review. Did you Connect with this podcast episode did you connect with Tracy’s story ? Have you been stuck in a pattern and needed to make a different choice, an empowered choice?

If you’ve been struggling in harmful relationship patterns and you’re looking for a coach to help you move past and future in your life I’d love to connect with you you go to thekindoflove.com or you can follow me on Instagram and direct message me @aarontosti

You could also connect with Tracy-Rose, @salveofthecircle on Instagram.

Often times it’s trusting someone with your story. It’s letting someone hold a space or the container or the room for you to really hear you and what’s going on in your life. That can be so transformational. Feel free to reach out to either one of us.

Thank you again for listening to TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron. Best of love to you.

View Details

In this episode, Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a therapy informed Intuitive & Spiritual Mentor, about how to be more of ourselves and listen to our emotions. Show Notes
00:25 min

Aaron Narrates

Is this thing on? Here we go.

Hey guys.. and girls, and humans and creatures and friends that I haven’t met yet, We’re going going to talk about feelings.

We live in a culture where we do things to avoid feelings, or deeply feel them so much that we have lost ourselves. The question is, how long do you want to feel what you’re feeling?

Most of the time we’re trying to pretend like we’re fine. Hey how are you doing today? And you say things like, “I’m fine, no seriously I’m fine, stop prodding.” And then we freak out right?

Maybe you’re deeply sad. Maybe your angry but you’re trying to play it nice. Maybe you’re sad, and you’re just tying to hold it together and show courage so you can show up in your day. But, deep down your survival self just wants to break down in tears. Maybe you’re afraid to have joy, like someones going to hate you, judge you, or start a fight with you because you’re too happy.

In this culture we think that we have to perform, pretend, or try to get it right. We’re afraid that people won’t love us. Like, if you show up sad, they may not love you. If you show up angry they’re not going to love you. And we don’t accept our own emotions is what that comes down to. Accept that you feel a certain way. How do you deal with your emotions?

We can even be afraid that emotions are bad. Like, don’t feel or think that because that’ll be of the devil.

I brought my friend and cousin Tracy-Rose who is an intuitive therapy informed counselor. We’re going to talk about, you guest it… Feelings.

Often times we feel small or insignificant because we feel something so deeply. Maybe we fight back. Maybe we don’t know how to fight back when we’re angry and we don’t want to harm anyone. Even though anger is a powerful emotions, we just don’t know what to do with it sometimes.

This episode is about listening to your emotions. If we ignore them or self medicate on them, they come back to haunt us. We do the very thing to stuff them down and not deal with them. Thats the very thing that brings them back up again, sooner or later.

This is part one of two. In the second episode Tracy share with us her story about her awakening in life, so stick around for that.

Here we go..

4:15 min

Tracy is trauma informed, therapy informed, intuitive counselor
The subconscious wants to be heard
Facing the wound

6:15 min

mental health war of trauma vs actual psychology

8:30 min

With trauma healing sometimes if we’re left we have to go all of the right in protection mode until we’re healed

9:40 min

trauma in full protection
Somedays survivor mode somedays at peace

10:40 min

Aaron talks about himself in survival mode
brain and somatic dump

12:00 min

Tracy starts coaching Aaron, aaron wanting to talk about tracy, Italians wanting to talk about themselves and

13:40 min

Aaron talks about shut down mode
80% is acknowledging yourself and being loved for your truth

16:00 min

normalize feeling good and not good, its all necessary
Chasing down a solution is masculine, instead be still
give yourself a hug, compassion and nurture can be manipulated
Feelings are prophets
Meditation and breathing can be unsafe

17:20 min

Slow down listening to your intuition, whats the need I have right now?
Following through, need to be seen, heard, and felt without judgement. Felt by ourselves
Anger is powerful and not always destructive
End up repressing emotion if we don’t sit with our emotions
Emotional debt with interest

21:40 min

the micro and the macro
how can i get present right now? Right now i’m being taken care
Heart Centered, shame attached to survival mode

23:30 min

Aaron Narrates

Thanks for Listening. Can you tell when you go into a survival mode? Can you tell when you’re not in a survival mode? Can you feel the difference ? Maybe you feel a low emotion like sadness, or maybe a high level of emotion like excitement. Maybe you feel anxiety when you’re in a survival state. Maybe you’re afraid of a future outcome.

You don’t feel like yourself. Maybe you try to cope and ignore your feelings. Maybe you try to fix it with a quick solution. You don’t really feel through the emotion. You don’t listen to what it’s telling you.

Let me know in the reviews how this episode has helped you. Reviews help us understand more of what you want to hear and helps connect with other people.

If you’d like to connect with Tracy-Rose you can go to @salveofthecircle on Instagram. You can also go to salveofthecircle.com

Tracy does intuitive readings, counseling, spiritual mentorship, and sobriety support.

In the next episode I talk with Tracy-Rose about her story and awakening from being in the trenches of mind altering substances. She took the step of listening to her survival self and becoming a more healthy person.

This is TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you.

View Details

In this special valentine’s day episode, Aaron talks about being present, grateful, and not giving away the end of your love story. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :24 min

Hey all you lovers out there ! Welcome to Valentines week. This is a special episode because it’s Valentine’s Day week, and I want to talk about love. Surprised?

You might be thinking, oh great Aaron’s probably going to give us some inspirational speech about how to love better during this holiday. You might be committed to hating this hallmark Holliday for said reasons. And that’s ok. Continue to hate it while I put a positive spin on it. Because, like many of you I’m a recovering hopeless romantic on a journey to finding true love.. so you’re right I Am going to reframe valentines day ! Here we go! Ready?

1:25 min

What are we going to talk about ? Being present, being grateful, and being open Curious /Open. (Kind of the Same thing.)

You never know what love is coming your way. Another way of saying these three things is choosing yourself and what you want and need, focus your attention on what you do love in your life, and who or what you love already, and don’t give away the end of the movie of your love life.

1:43 min

It doesn’t really matter where you’re at on Valentine’s Day or what kind of relationship you have. Whether you think it’s just some stupid Hallmark tradition or you’re going through a really really rough time in a relationship. Or maybe you have a great relationship and you just want to keep that good thing going.

Maybe you are a recovering hopeless romantic like myself. You want to belief that true love exists, but drop the head conversation that says it may never work out for you.

I was that guy that watched way too many John Cusack films. One of my favorite scenes of all time from the movie High Fidelity was after Rob and Laura had a big break up, and they finally got back together with Laura he asks her what she thought about getting married. He tells her he’s tired of chasing the fantasy of being in a relationship with other women in his head. He says the fantasy gets old, but that he never really gets tired of being with her.

3:00 min

I think that’s a more honest moment out of the rom com movies that I’ve seen in my lifetime. We continue to choose to be with someone and we let that love grow. We continue to crawl into love with someone rather than just falling head over heels so to speak and then later regretting ourselves for the unrealistic idea and expectation we placed on that person.

3:28 min

Here are my core values for a positive spin on Valentine’s Day. Cause really, we want every day to be valentines day. Vote for love everyday.

So what do I mean by being present, grateful and curious?

Being present allows you to choose what you want in the moment. It means choosing yourself and knowing what you don’t want and what you do want in your relationship. It’s saying no to what you don’t want faster because you know your boundaries and values. And when you can say no to the love that you don’t want you’re clear enough to say yes to love that you do want when it shows up. In or out of a relationship, this is true.

4:14 min

Being grateful means just that. Appreciating the love that you already have in your life. If you’re with someone remind yourself why you first fell in love with them. If you’re single and don’t have a date this Valentine’s Day, do what you love. Fall in love with that. Fall in love with what you enjoy about being with yourself. Focus on those you love in your life like your friends and family. Pick three things you like about yourself and remind yourself that you love that thing about yourself.

4:55 min

All the yogis and coaches will tell you where you place your attention is where you place your energy, because that’s true. Often we’re operating from fear that we don’t have some thing or maybe we’ve given up on love altogether. But when you’re in that state of emptiness, loneliness, despair, frustration, resentment, you’re trying to fill some void that not even a significant other will fill. So remind yourself of the things that you love. Take yourself out on a date. Treat yo’ self.

5:33 min

Now being open and curious. Often we don’t have a clue of what’s best for us. And when we start to commit to our limitations we close off possibilities in our life. It’s easier to be in a relationship with some thing you know that’s predictable because it’s safe. You know what pain feels like so you’ll stay there. It’s familiar. But staying open and curious leaves the story open for other possibility. No one wants to go into a movie knowing how things work out so don’t give away the end of your own movie. Be the director of your own film by being open to other possibilities.

6:30 min

Hope you have an awesome Valentines day remember to be present and choose yourself, be grateful and remind yourself of what you love, be open to the fact that you don’t know what good thing might be around the corner.

Thanks for listening to TKOL podcast.

You can apply to coach with me at thekindoflove.com/love-recovery

I’m Aaron.

As always best of love to you.

View Details

In this mini-episode, Aaron discusses owning your worth and finding it within yourself and not by someone else’s standards. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :24 min

Hey ! Welcome back. I don’t know if you’ve been here before but welcome back to TKOL podcast. Here’s a weird conversation to have that I always thought was a weird conversation, and it’s about your worth. It could be about my worth too. It could be about other people’s worth. Depends on who’s listening to this right now.

In our social climate, the comparison game in all of our minds is quite destructive.

Do you feel like you’re in a comparison game in your mind? Do you have a perception of your own worth? I’d like to say that you do. How do you see yourself? What stories do you often say to yourself in regards to your worth. You’ve probably heard it said that comparison is the thief of joy. And it is!

I always thought this was a weird conversation. I didn’t like walking about my worth. It’s this weird uncomfortable thing. Most of us can relate to comparing ourselves when we were younger or teenagers. I was a drummer so I always compared myself to other drummers, almost to the point where it became apart of my identity. It ended up sucking the life out of wanting to play drums at all.

Thats what it was like for me. For you it might have been a different skill you wanted to have as a kid that you thought you were good at. You may have lived in the shadow of someone else’s skill that was similar to that.

2:08 min

To understand how owning your worth works, we also have to understand how the inner critic or ego works. When you make a mistake or fall short on some thing the first time that happens your inner critic might blame you and beat you up a bit and you accept the blame. The second time a similar shortcoming happens, the inner critic wants to mental rehearse the time before, just to add a nail in that coffin. You will make upan excuse or reason like, oh everyone in my family does that same thing, or i blame my mother. The third time that happens we assume something must innately wrong in us. We say things to ourselves like “I’m the worst.” Or “I’m just bad” and that attacks our worth with shame. How can we ever redeem ourselves if we believe we’re innately bad. You’ve got to change the story you tell yourself.

3:35 min

What do I mean by worth? Your value, how you are loved, how you are seen, how you are understood, your significance, your true self, the freaking essence that is YOU. No one has the final say about your worth but you. And your sense of God if you believe in a higher self or higher God. Something that’s bigger that you like the universe.

What is the perspective you see yourself through ? What is the lens you put on that you see the rest of the world through? What’s the lens that you see yourself through ?

I don’t know about you, but I’m really tired of letting my outer world steal my joy. I’m tired of fearing that if I actually enjoy my life and my loved ones, and the things I love to do, someone is going to hate me or judge me or scold me for it, internet troll me. It sucks the enjoyment out of my life to fear those judgements and those comparisons. The thought that someone else’s worth my take away my worth makes you feel small. And I don’t like feeling small.

5:05 min

That comes out of this need to be approved. To be accepted. To be loved. To be seen, heard and understood. To be valued. Who are we giving our authority to? What messages are we letting sink in to our minds and into the cells of our bodies that we tell ourselves on a daily basis?

Where do we find our worth from ? Is it our job, is it our parents acceptance? Is it our community? Is it someone on social media that we wish we could be like? Is it our peers? Like who are you looking to be approved by? Where do you get the love from?

Who sees you for who you really are? Who do you find yourself around most that makes you feel most like yourself ? Where you don’t have to prove your worth to them, where you stand in confidence and you don’t have to fight, hide, freeze up, or shut down and perform to be seen or loved..

Is your identity being attacked ? Who determines your worth ?

You do! By the lens you see yourself through. Give yourself the gift of how you see yourself. Drop the act. Drop the striving to be seen. Stand firmly in the truth that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I actually use to hate this conversation and I wanted to play around of hot potato with it. Like, what kind of arrogant prick do you think that I am to talk about what i deserve or what I’m worth? Now i see it as the result of so much suffering in my life to NOT address my worth.

Many jobs, opportunities, relationships, true love, deeper connections, dates, possibilities where all missed out on because I just didn’t see myself as I am.

7:05 min

And I don’t think there is a magic pill to swallow here. More like a micro dose of reminders of who you are on a daily basis that doesn’t come from how many sales you landed, how expensive your clothes are, what car you just bought, all those things might be a reflection of how you see yourself, or they might be a disguise. The truth is your worth comes from with in. How you speak to yourself on a daily basis. How you treat yourself. How you show others you want to be treated. it starts from with in. It’s a way of loving yourself. Then that gets reflected back out to who you surround yourself with.

Where do you find your self-worth? Do you let others determine your worth? And what does the story of your life and relationships look like when you feel fully worthy?

8:05 min

Here’s a confidence and worthiness writing exercise. On one side of the page write down and event in your life were you felt small or unworthy. And list next to it what you tell yourself about that event. On the other side of the page right the opposite as if it were true. And then think of times when the opposite was true in your life. This may take you some time, so give that time to yourself.

For instance my sports team lost that big game when i was growing up, and a story you might tell yourself is “I always seem to loose when it matters”

Then write, “I always win and succeed when it counts”

Then think of a time, like oh remember that time I applied for that job I really wanted and i got it. I succeeded there!

Try writing out 3-5 events where the opposite was true. Notice how often the inner critic wants to come in and steal your joy. Don’t let it of course.

When you’re ever having doubts, pull that note out to remind yourself of your worth and the value you bring to yourself and others in this life.

9:30 min

You’ve been listening to a mini-episode of TKOL podcast.

If you’re curious about coaching with me through my heart-centered program you can go to thekindoflove.com and fill out an application.

Thanks so much for listening.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with guest “Barb”, a therapist who struggled in an abusive relationship, on how our codependency is actually a survival skill we learned when we were young. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :25 min - Aaron Talks

We are back. We’re back with my friend Barb, Barb the therapist who also went through an abusive relationship. She has been kind to share her personal story with us. In the last episode we went through her relationship, how it happened, how she ended up becoming aware that she was even in an abusive relationship, and getting past the denial stage.

Often we put ourselves in a trance and don’t realize it. We want to protect ourselves in relationships. As kids we develop these survival skills, and when we’re afraid we’re not getting the love that we want we go into a survival mode, or survival pattern to protect ourselves from being unloved.

In Barb’s case she felt like, if she could just be enough, if she could just perform to be enough, and be approved by a parent then she would get the love that she’s looking for and maybe avoid some anger or wrath from her parent. So it’s important to understand and become aware, just notice and observe patterns in your life, and your relationships, and in your relationship with yourself. That’s where we start to see and say, “hey, when I’m scared in a relationship, what’s the normal pattern I go into?” Barb helps us take a look at her survival self, which helped her her for a while. But we need to see these survival patterns, or survival skills that we have and break free from the trap that they keep us in.

So here’s Barb on understanding survival skills, and then recovering the relationship within herself, and learning to love herself again

2:30 min

Aaron shift the conversation to Ego and Survival Self. You’re either in fear and anxiety, or in love and observation.

Aaron asks what Barb’s survival strategy is ?

3:40 min

Barb calls it her Survival Skills

Survival skills can be there for your benefit, but they’re not always healthy and for your benefit.

The point of survival skills are to get your needs met.

5:10 min

Barb had survival skills from avoiding her dads wrath.

It started when she was a kid. “I’m going to be the best”

Barb believed, “I just do good enough, then I’ll look better.” She did this to be threatened.

7:20 min

It was a survival pattern for Barb to excel at everything, but not look at reality.

8:10 min

Barb’s survival pattern sounded like this..

“If I could be better, he wouldn’t treat me like that.”

“Keep trucking”

Trying to hide and keep your strength.

“Look the part” is a survival skill of Barb’s family.

Barb, had the “perfect” Christian family.

10:55 min

Aaron talks about being in a therapist office and recognizing religion and perfection being a problem in his upbringing and relationships.

The incongruence of whats happening behind closed doors.

11:35 min

Barb had to realize it wasn’t about God and it was codependency and abuse in disguise.

Humans warp it and make it about perfection.

12:55 min

Barb felt very angry and fake about her religion.

Barb is Back to Jesus.

14:05 min

Aaron talks about changing terms like evil and sin to healthy and unhealthy.

14:50 min

Aaron asks Barb about stepping out of the fantasy and noticing that the survival skills surged barb for a while but didn’t deliver.

Barb talks about her “fake it til ya make it” and performance survival strategy to fill a role she felt she had to play.

Survival skill was based in the story “being good enough”

Sit with your survival skills in the Passanger seat and not let them drive.

17:10 min

Aaron Asks barb what it looks like to shift your survival skills. Barb says, “Self-care”

Aaron doesn’t know what a bath bomb. Go ahead and laugh.

Banter about bath bombs.

18:50 min

Barb says real self care is giving yourself time, attention, and focus.

Before Barb had just learned to survive, now she is doing things like journaling, going to therapy, taking time to think instead of distracting herself.

Barb never felt safe in her own thoughts because she didn’t trust herself.

20:10 min

Social quarantine has forced Barb to help her show herself love.

Yoga, walking, and figuring out other things that make you feel good is a sign of self care.

21:20 min AUDIOGRAM MOMENT

Aaron talks about self-care and self love not being selfish. Its about compassion.

To feel good is good.

Tune back into yourself, is self-love. Time energy and attention on yourself is self-love.

22:40 min

Barb has said to who therapy clients, but she’s saying it to herself now. Put your oxygen mask on yourself self.

Make sure you’re OK alone.

Putting yourself first is an act of selflessness. If you can be the healthiest version of yourself, then you will actually help the people around you.

Barb is an Enneagram 2 and she’s here to love.

24:25 min

What does the En 2 look like in the analogy of putting your mask on first ?

Barb says you can’t love others unless you love yourself. To truly understand love and acceptance yourself you have to love for yourself. You have to love the bad qualities about you.

25:45 min

Its like covering yourself up with a mirror and focus on others to avoid yourself.

Aaron says, Giving Freely as opposed to giving to get.

When your confident it’s easy to spill out the good stuff aka love.

28:10 min

Every enneagram number is a different way to try to get love.

Barb, as an Enneagram 2 was giving love only to get love.

Martyr complex.

Enneagram talk.

Aaron is an Enneagram 6 and steps into trying to fix of all of the things.

30:00 min

Barb has been through a lot, but she sees the silver lining.

Barb has become compassionate for herself, and in turn has found compassion for others.

Turning down a job for Barb is actually an act of self-love.

Love is oxygen. Lack of love, fear is taking away the oxygen. Does this suck the life out of me?

33:20 min

Barb wants to be a happy, whole, healthy place whee she can love people.

34:15 Aaron Finishes

Thanks so much for listening. What are your survival skills? Do you find yourself in survival mode often where you’re just trying to strive to be in a relationship. Or, are you in a relationship where you can live freely, and it feels more like thriving. Are your survival skills getting you the kind of love you’re looking for?

Please go to the review section and let me know. I’d love to hear from you and what you’re going through and maybe how this episode in this conversation with Barb has effected your life.

If you’re struggling in an abusive relationship. Please please please find help. If you’re struggling in any kind of harmful relationship pattern at all, please find help.

If you’d like to connect with me and book discovery call, you can go to thekindoflove.com Or, you can follow me @aarontosti on instagram. if you know someone who might be in an abusive Relationship, share this episode with them, or join a group. Find a therapist or find some means of support.

Let me know what’s helped you out of harmful relationship patterns. I’m very passionate about helping people love themselves better, becoming more aware, and operate from a place of love, instead operating from fear and survival in your relationship.

Thank you again for listening. This is TKOL Podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with guest “Barb”, a therapist who struggled in an abusive relationship, and how she removed the blinders and recovered. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES 0:25 min - Aaron Talks

Hey guys! Welcome back. How do you see past the blinders in your relationship? How do you take the blinders off when you’re in an abusive relationship? Awareness is so important, and by awareness I just mean noticing. I mean observing what’s going on, telling yourself the truth.

We talk with my friend Barb as we have faux named her, because this is a very personal story about how she struggled in an abusive relationship. And, how she had to acknowledge and admit the truth about her situation. I asked Barb what are the pain points of abuse and what does it look like to actually recover from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Often keeping the blinders on is a state of fear and survival. If we ignore the red flags we get to keep the relationship. Often someone in an abusive relationship will make excuses to protect the relationship. Often the person being abused will continue to do what they think is a good thing, but will continue the abuse cycle.

So it’s about becoming aware of your patterns and then also becoming aware of other peoples patterns in your close relationships not to abuse and manipulate, but to understand how to connect. You always want to trust your gut. In Barb‘s case, being a therapist herself, she had all the tools to be honest with herself and recognize what an abusive relationship looks like, but often pride gets in the way and your survival strategy gets in the way of what’s really going on in your relationship.

As we unpack Barb’s story and hear about the incidents that snapped her out of being in an abusive relationship, you’ll hear how important it is to be aware.

2:30 min

Barb has been so kind to tell her truth.

Aaron and Barb met on a ride share ride.

3:40 min

Barb and Aaron bonded over conscious love, the enneagram and being a coach and a therapist.

4:50 min

Barb’s survival mechanism is to go silent when it gets weird.

Talking about weird things passengers say to Aaron.

6:00 min

Barb shared a lot of her story over coffee with Aaron

Barb’s story lives is true for a lot of people

The pain points of abuse and narcissism

7:35 min

Barbs Divorce and past relationship.

Barb is a therapist ending up in therapy after recovering from an emotional abusive relationship.

There’s a spectrum of narcissism

9:00 min

Barb had to admit a lot of hurt.

Realize what the relationship was as a apposed to what I wanted it to be.

It was also hard to admit when Barb works as Domestic violence therapist.

It was hard to turn the mirror on yourself when your having to accept your situation

10:50 min

Keeping the blinders on is a state of fear, pride, and survival.

Dropping pride and having to look at yourself and the situation that you were in.

Barb’s Father was abusive growing up. But her ex wasn’t the same form of abuse.

Becoming aware of red flags.

12:30 min

14 years later Barb saw the red flags and the relationship for what it was.

The trail of red flags. Barb having to ask herself the questions she asks as a therapist.

Understanding all of the different forms of abuse.

The story of Barb trying to kick back at her ex when they were in HS.

14:55 min

Endless red flags

Barb’s Ex had secret relationships that were emotional.

Barb had an unhealthy esteem boost when her ex came back to her after an affair.

16:20 min

Verbal and emotional abuse are close dysfunctional friends.

Co-dependents always think it’s their felt.disfunction of owning the other persons emotions and trying to fix them.

18:00 min

Apology letters disguised as love notes and love bombs to manipulate Barb back into the relationship.

19:50 min

“I hurt you, I’m sorry, you’re beautiful, please accept my love.” Is a form of manipulation.

21:10 min

When does the abuse show up in the roller coaster cycle.

The abuser doesn’t know how to get there needs met and so they’ll do whatever is necessary.

But ultimately a choice to hurt people

22:45 min

Its a choice to hurt people, gaslighting and crazy making.

You still have a choice

23:20 min

Excuse are a read flag when you start making excuses for your partners behavior. Which is to protect them, but when you start lying for them thats when it gets co-dependent

24:45 min

Excuses and white lies become the game. Its the unloving behavior over time.

Barb Said she played a role in it.

Living in the fantasy world of “everything is fine” and having a hard time acknowledging the truth.

26:50

At the end of the relationship, her ex escalated. And she went through his phone as she caught him in a lie. He was messaging another girl in Nashville. Barb was upset.

Her ex blamed her for him having this secret relationship and said if she said anything his friends and family were going to hate him.

29:20

This is the part of the story where the emotional abuse was a lot like the physical abuse she experienced.

They do something mean and unhealthy, and then twist it on you and make it feel like it’s your fault.

This is why its important to understand your partners patterns, not to manipulate, but to understand how you connect.

Classic move is shifting the blame, Which is gaslighting.

The abuser wants to keep you feeling less than, so they can feel better than.

31:35 min

Someone with narcissistic tendencies actually has an inferior complex. They feel insecure. It’s more about making the other person feel like they have any power.

The co-dependent doesn’t feel good enough to leave the relationship.

Unconsciously being insecure and giving you power away.

33:35 min

Understanding when the other person’s behavior is total crap. Barb says that there were several moment.

34:00

The story of Barb’s miscarriage.

The ex was on instagram while the doctor was explaining the miscarriage. It was the moment when the doctor recognized what Barb’s Ex was doing.

36:50

The final straw was when Barb’s ex invited a girl he was having an affair with to the city on Barb’s birthday.

Barb filed for Divorce right before her birthday.

39:10

He wasn’t trying to hide his affair. Barb new at that moment that was the final stab.

The girl was not hiding it.

40:14 min

Aaron talks about the person who may be going through a similar relationship right now struggling.

The trick of not knowing your in a trans or fantasy.

41:55 min

Are you Happy and are you healthy ? And if not why ? And is it you or is it the people around you ?

Don’t ignore your gut, or tell you your gut is wrong

42:55 min

Barb always though she had a great guttural intuition.

Her ex told her she was right all along, which was the biggest manipulation.

47:10 min

If not having trust for an untrustworthy person is blamed on you, you should observe whats going on.

Listen to yourself. That was everything. At some point you allow the crazy making.

Its part of being co-dependent. You don’t trust yourself enough. You’re giving someone your authority or control.

49:15 min

The power and control wheel. Barb uses in her therapy practice. Is this domestic violence?

Financial, verbal, and emotional abuse are other forms of abuse.

51:00 min

Not putting your personal stuff into your therapy or coach work, yet ignoring your own personal reality. Denying yourself whats true.

Power wheel wasn’t helpful because barb was in Denial.

54:10 min - Aaron’s talks.

Thanks so much for listening as a coach working mainly in harmful relationship patterns, what I’ve observe many times as the problem is denial. I know that’s a heavy word. You know, a lot of self sabotage comes from denying the truth of what’s happening. You can call it self sabotage. It’s really just a survival mechanism or a survival strategy or pattern that keeps us stuck in that relationship because we’re afraid of what it might look like on the other side.

Often it’s denial of your situation or your partner or even yourself, but it takes becoming aware that you may be your own worst enemy. So to start trusting your intuition, you have to be honest with yourself. And then when you’re honest with yourself you save your relationship or at least the relationship with yourself.

Barb’s story unfortunately happens often and behind closed doors. If you feel you may be in an abusive relationship please find support. No one deserves to be abused. It might take more than just a therapist or just a coach. It might take friend support. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

On the next episode I talk with Barb about how we develop our codependency from the past. How we develop survival skills or go into a survival mode or strategy or pattern and we play these out to try to get love. They might work for a little while but we need an upgrade. If you’re struggling in a harmful relationship patterns right now and you’d like to connect with me you can go to thekindoflove.com or you can go to @AaronTosti on Instagram

You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast.

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

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In this solo-episode Aaron talks about recovering from harmful relationship patterns with his Heart-Centered approach. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes 0:25 min

Relationship recovery! What does it take? What are the steps? Are you trying to recover from a relationship with yourself or are you a partnership where you’re trying to recover the partnership? Is it a family member? Are you worried about a friendship relationship that you have? What’s the recovery about and what’s it gonna take to recover that?

For couples and for your relationship with yourself, and really, if we’re talking real which we always are talking real here on TKOL podcast. Real talk. That’s what we do…

Your relationship fell apart one unloving behavior at a timeYour relationship fell apart one unloving behavior at a time. And it can be put back together one loving behavior at a time. So what’s it going to take to put yourself back together? T o come to center and say to yourself, “oh there you are true self, there’s the real me.” I don’t have to put on a disguise or perform in a relationship or live in this like survival mentality mindset in my relationship I don’t have to “put up with that” anymore.

When you come back to your heart centered self that’s when you find meaningful love. It always starts with you.

2:10 min

In this episode I’m going to be talking about the four pillars or these four stages or movements that I walk people through in relationship recovery. But before we get to that I want to talk about the thing that drove my brain crazy. After trying to recover from a relationship myself I think it was an ex partner of mine and maybe a friend, it doesn’t really matter who it was, but I was told that all expression that “people don’t change.” And I was so frustrated by that sentence that now its my life mission to go no actually you either are evolving forward into more of who you are or you’re devolving, or you’re changing, back into something you don’t want to be.

If you don’t believe that you’re kind of the main character in your own story, or the common denominator in your relationships this episode might not be for you because you’re gonna get mad. The first thing you have to understand is how you show up in relationships and what’s the ripple effect of what you create in your relationship. So in a way you’re kind of always attracting the kind of love that you want. You’re always teaching people how you wanna be treated anyway.

3:45 min

Now, let’s talk about these four pillars alright. I’m gonna talk about them. I’m gonna say them all at the front now and walk you through here we go. The 4 pillars are..

1- Perspective

2- Centering

3- Reframing

4- Thriving

So you can kind of see what we’re going to move through here. And how step by step, one baby step at a time, getting yourself back to a heart heart centered self, a heart centered relationship. Learning how to put yourself back together one step at a time. Learning how to put your relationship back together one step at a time. Your Relationship is that third identity in your relationship. There is you, the other person and then there’s the stuff that you put in the relationship.

4:50 min

So, PERSPECTIVE. Pillar number one. You can really only change what you’re aware of, right ? So when you know better than you do better and you don’t spiral out in the same shame cycle. Stop shaming yourself when you change the pattern. You start to see those thoughts behaviors habits that you teach people how you wanna be treated, and by changing your perspective and becoming aware of what’s happening, you can then shift those thoughts behaviors patterns and start creating and experiencing the kind of love that you do want.

The way we move through perspective is by telling yourself the truth. Often there’s some kind of proverbial Band-Aid that you have to rip off like a disguise, maybe. Or just a change in boundaries or behavior or maybe a commitment that you’ve made. And then acknowledge what the thing is that you’ve done that’s created the love that you don’t want. Often times there is a loss in a relationship. So, giving yourself the space and time, patience to grieve like you would if someone passed away in your life. Sometimes you just need to feel through and grieve the death of a relationship.

6:30 min

Pillar number two, centering. How do you replace the unloving behaviors with loving ones? Well, you do that by getting to know yourself better, by learning to trust your intuition more, setting up support around you. You need to have great communication. Have people on your side. Maybe new habits that are serving you better than some habits that are broken and dysfunctional. When you set up these new habits and better communication, you prevent yourself from self sabotaging or living in that survival state.

Ultimately ever relationship is just a dance that you decide to join. You’re like, “Well I was doing tango with this person for a little while and that was exhausting, so I think I’m gonna go over here and do swing that’s a lot more fun with this person.” Whatever it is, it’s just a pattern, a movements that you continue to do. it’s a loop that you’re in that is supportive or it’s not supportive. It’s harmful or it’s helpful. Is this dance helpful that I’m in?

So you learn to trust yourself again and you learn to replace those unloving behaviors with loving behaviors.

8:00 min

Pillar number three, REFRAMING. You’ve got to understand your fears. Your fears impose limitations on you and then you have to define your values and your boundaries. And those might be new values and new boundaries. Get in touch with your core motivation and find out what your story looks like with meaningful love rather than the harmful patterns that you chase right?

If you’re that person that’s in a love addiction like I used to be. You like chasing an idea of what you think a relationship should be. You get into that idea, you might even date that idea, and then you realize that’s not reality. And, it’s not meaningful and you’ve got to kick yourself out of that relationship.

And, it also comes down to her interactions with people. I was sitting there in therapy, trying to unpack a certain situation. My therapist looked at me and said, “Well Aaron is that a stick or a snake?” Like, that emotional button that got pushed was that the end of the world? Did you need to catastrophize that? Or was that just a stick lying in the ground ?When you get close, you realize actually that wasn’t a big deal. And therefore you reframe. And you look at those emotional buttons and fears, those highly charged moments, those triggers, and you look at them for just what they are. They’re just an event that happened.

You see our nervous system generalize things. Our brain.. because we dated one jerk. maybe we dated three jerks (I don’t know what your story is). But, the brain just wants to generalize that all the people that you date are jerks because you had three bad experiences. That’s not necessarily true, but your brain, your nervous system, all want to protect you from not being in a relationship with a jerk ever again if that’s your story. But the truth is there’s people, there’s someone out there, that can love you for who you are and not be a jerk that’s reframing.

10:30 min

Pillar number four, THRIVING. You see we’ve gone through all of these other pillars. Once you stepped through door number three, you want a pay off. You want to be thriving, and that’s it you’re number four! That’s where you really want to be. You want to feel confident and free and loved in a relationship. Maybe there’s other emotions that you want to feel. The question is, how do you wanna feel I consistent basis in your relationship? And, what do you have to do? Maybe it’s something you have to change about yourself. Maybe it’s reframing someone else’s behavior. Maybe it’s changing your environment, or your circumstance altogether so you can step into a space of thriving.

You want to be untethered from the past. You want to be interdependent in your relationships, rather than codependent in your relationships. That’s the short of it. Those are the doors that you have to walk through those are the pillars in which you need to anchor into your life if you want to shift and change.

Perspective Centering Reframing and then Thriving.

Most of us are living in a survival mode just trying to make it to the next day. We’re trying to exist and we’re striving in our little ways that we love to strive, instead of waking up every day feeling something better. Replacing our negative emotions like anger and sadness or depression and going from strive to thrive. Knowing the tools to shift from deep striving or deep struggle, before you completely spiral out. Or, if you do completely spiral out, what are the tools to get you back as a heart centered person?

12:45 min - Wrap Up

If you have any thoughts, if you have any feedback, if you have a-ha moments even just in this short episode, I’d love to know about them.

Please write in the review section maybe some way that you feel like you’re striving right now, instead of thriving. Tell me something that you want to change your perspective on. Tell me something that feels out of control in your life that you would love to get back at center.

This is what I’m passionate about doing. Helping people center themselves. Giving themselves the permission to love not only others, but themselves.

You can always connect with me at thekindoflove.com or on my Instagram @aarontosti Those aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Send me a direct message. Apply to coach with me. Tell me about your life in the review section.

Whatever feels more comfortable with you. Share this episode with someone who might be going through a rough time. Let me know if this has been helpful. This is TKOL podcast. Thank you so much for listening. If you’re looking for relationship recovery please find help like a friend, a mentor, a therapist, a coach, someone you trust. You don’t have to go at this alone.

I’m Aaron. Best of love to you.

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If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

In this solo-episode Aaron talks about the underlying message of the movie Hook and pulling out the emotional weeds that hold you back from being your True self. Show Notes 0:27

Listen. What’s up guys. Do you say that often? “Listen ! Listen ! You’re not listening to me!!”

Are you listening to yourself ? That is the question. Are you telling yourself the Truth?

Let’s just call this throw back Thursday. I think this is being released on a Thursday. If you’re not listening to this on a Thursday, just imagine that you are. We’re giving a throwback to the movie Hook. There’s an underlying message that I got from that movie. It gives you the permission to love yourself again. And to tell yourself the truth.

I don’t know if you know that Avett Brothers song. It’s a good song. The lyrics say, “Tell the ruth to yourself, and the rest will fall in place.” Often we’re afraid to rip the disguise band-aide off and say, “Hey, this is me! This is what’s real for me. This is how I feel. This is my truth.”

Then from there, as uncomfortable as that may be, what you want and what you need begin to fallen place. And typically whats in your best interest is also in the best interest of others. Right? Like being honest is always in everybody’s best interest.

2:10 min

Ok, let’s get back to the movie hook.

Have you seen that movie? I’ve seen that movie. (90s kid here) There is a famous sentimental scene where the lost boy looks at Peter and pulls him down to his knee. It’s grown up Peter. If you remember the story Peter grows up and forgets that he’s the pan. He chases after his kids who are lost. He winds up back in in never never land. Rufio draws the line between the two sides. Everyone but the little boy goes to Rufio’s side. And the little boy takes his hands to peter’s face and moves it around, and then says “There you are Peter!”

Later Peter has to believe in himself. He has to see who he really is… the Pan.

3:25 min

We see this in a lot of movies, the overcoming of the hero’s story of forgetting who we are and then reminding ourselves. And thats really what our story is everyday. Who do you want to be today ? Who do you believe you are today? How do you come back to being a centered person in who you are feeling confident and free moving forward ?

3:55 min

What happens is we forget ourselves. We start putting on disguises and we start performing. We grow up but we then start loosing connection with our inner curiosity. We stress out. Every adult stresses out, and that’s what happens on some level. We forget ourselves and go into these survival modes, or a performance mode. We try and MAKE our world seem right for us. We start to experience chaos or confusion. We go into a dissonance where our inner world doesn’t quite match our outer world. There’s incongruence there.

4:45 min

The question is “Who do you want to be?” And the question that starts that conversation is “Are you telling yourself the truth?” Like Peter in the movie Hook, he’s got all of these grown up “weeds”. He looks like an adult, he’s got kids. He said he would never grow up, but he grew up. He lost sense of who he truly is.

It’s about pulling out these emotional weeds. These disguises and things we do and say to look a certain way to get what we want. And then we get into relationships and we start telling ourselves a whole different narrative. We tell ourselves that everything we want is out side of us. To get the guy you have to have a certain body figure, or to get the girl you have to use a certain type of toothpaste.

What ever it is that you think you’re in lack of, becomes a way for you to perform and put on a disguise. If you’re feeling lost it’s because you’ve spiraled into who you are NOT, a false identity.

6:15 min

To start over and connect with you again, you need to tell yourself the truth. Maybe you’ve been in a crappy relationship where you’ve become somebody else to try and keep that relationship going.

Maybe your stressed out like many people in 2021 looking back at 2020 and confused by the conflicting narratives. Whatever the narrative may be, what is your inner narrative telling you ?

Often we loose track of our intuition and inner dialogue going on. We have to pull out the weeds to understand who we are again.

7:10 min

Are you putting your oxygen mask on first? You’ve probably heard this. It’s cliche cause it’s true. Are you making healthy choices ? Is your immune system healthy? Is what your eating healthy ? Are you taking care of who you are so you can show in the world being your best self around other people.

What’s your stress level like ? Are you constantly in a stressful head conversation trying to do the next best thing ? Are you angry? Do you realize hat your feelings are valid? Everyone has the right to be angry about 2020. It was the most confusing year ever. All of our nervous systems are all over the place.

8:00 min

How do we get back to center ? We have to take care of ourselves.We have to love ourselves. Jim Kwik always says, “Self love is not self -ish”. Sometimes we feel like we are doing something wrong by addressing the needs that we have. Sometimes we think that we’re wrong for what desire in our life. Or, we neglect it all together and cope to deal with our stress and highten emotions.

What’s the truth that you’re holding out on? Are you judging other people. You’ve probably heard the statement when your pointing your finger there’s always three pointing back at you. What are judgements that you’re holding against yourself that you’re not letting go of ? When you let go of those judgements you start to have compassion for yourself. Then you start to pull out the emotional weeds.

When you pull out those weeds and those conversations you have going in your head that are conflicting, you start to see your true identity. You have to star with telling yourself the truth. That’s always the first step in the right direction.

This isn’t a New Years resolution, this is a life resolution. What does it look like to be committed to being honest with yourself everyday. You’re honest with yourself. You’re being who you truly are. You’re creating boundaries for your life. You’re reciprocating love. You’re teaching others how you want to be treated. You’re taking care of your health.

As a human race, what keeps us alive other than breathing is sharing. We share stories, information, experiences, and we give. Are you giving what you want to receive ? The simple truth of who you are and who you want to be, (easily said challenging to execute ) is all you need.

10:20 min

Otherwise we get lost in ourselves. If you’re chronically in self doubt, you’re going to spiral out and not know who you are. Your true friends and people around you that love and support you understand that. And you won’t be giving your power or authority away.

Lets be honest we all want to be ourselves and be free of judgment. We don’t want to feel out of control. And, if you’re a good person, you don’t want to control anyone else, or manipulate anyone else. You want to live in kindness. The first step to kindness is going to be telling yourself the truth.

How do we step through our fears? We tell ourselves the truth. We let the past be the past. We get beyond all of that past hurt nonsense. We slow down. We address all of that stuff, unpack it, and get all of those weeds out. Once that happens, we can move forward.

Try taking 5 minutes each day, and tell yourself the truth. When you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror, tell the truth about yourself. Remind yourself who you are.

11:45 min

Thank you for listening to TKOL podcast. Did you have any “ah-ha”, take away, or discovery moments?

Are you going through a thing right now where you have some emotional blocks, some emotional weeds? Tell me about it. Share in the review section what you discovered by telling yourself the truth. I’d love to hear about it. I’m sure other people would like to hear about it.

Share this episode with your friend if you would. Take a screen shot of it. Post it on the internet. Text a friend. Lets connect.

As always you can go to thekindoflove.com to connect with me. You can send me a direct message to me on instagram. @aarontosti @thekindoflovepodcast

Alright, you’ve been listening to The Kind of Love Podcast. Are you getting the kind of love you’re looking for ?

I’m Aaron.

Best to everyone in this new year and most of all, Best of love to you!

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In this episode Aaron talks with friend and body work expert Melanie Joye on Finding the right tools to grieve and let go from your past relationship. Show Notes 0:27

Aaron Talks

What’s up everyone. If you’ve been with me on the last few episodes, I’ve been talking with my friend Melanie about listening to yourself and listening to your body, but also the underlying theme of perfection and how it shows up. We can have really really high expectations in life that let us down by being in a fantasy of something that doesn’t really exist.

We’ve talked about how the body doesn’t lie to us and will tell us the truth. We’ve talked about perfectionistic thinking in general. But, what happens when our high expectations aren’t met ? How do we process ? How do we go from a break up to a breakthrough ? How do we get to the other side? How do we change the idea around this other fantasy, and create another story?

How do we understand what was real? What was our partner and what was ourself in the relationship ? How do we understand what we brought to the relationship that wasn’t healthy? How do we understand what our partner brought to the relationship that wasn’t healthy ? How did it all get tied up in expectations that were completely unrealistic?

Melanie has a similar story as mine, and maybe even you, which is something that just didn’t work out. How do we deal with things in the middle of a relationship when things aren’t working the way we thought they were going to work? When they don’t look the way we thought they were going to look.

How do we come back to center ? What tools can we use to understand better so we don’t loose ourselves or loose trust in ourselves. Talking it out is good, but sometimes its not always effective. Sometimes we have to go deeper. Sometimes the past comes back up to haunt us, Especially if we’ve been traumatized in a relationship.

What are some of the tools to overcome the past pains and hurts? How do we gain a new perspective ? How do we reframe the story, and move into the story that we want to be living for ourselves?

2:55 min

Referring to Melanie’s ex as Voldemort

Being at peace with your ex

Letting go of your plans, expectations, and what you thought it was going to look like

6:15 min

Going into deep depression, panic attacks,

Reclaiming your identity

Arguing is really just wanting to be heard and understood

8:00 min

Body posture and understanding when someone else is angry

Experiential Overrides and new memories to move on from your ex

10:30 min

You don’t get to skip the steps of grieving

Many modalities to process grief

Talk therapy is good, but body work can help you

13:00 min

Enneagram, emergence body work, has become a helpful tool to gain perspective

We’ve lost the ability to listen to our bodies

Emergence isn’t for everyone, but find the tribe of tools that work for you.

15:30 min

Not being offended by friends not wanting to work with you

Find what works for you

16:30 min

Learning to trust and realizing who its about

Your face is the most intimate part of your body

There’s a big energetic exchange between two bodies

Learning how to trust your own gut, if you pull back from someone there’s a reason.

18:40 min

Where to find Melanie

MelanieJoyeLMT.com

Melanie prefers doing her work rather than being on social media.

20:20

Aaron Talks

I hope this episode has given you some ideas to move through and support yourself in hardship you’ve gone through. Sometimes it’s about finding the right tool that works for you to process your pain and grief from the past.

IF you’d like to connect with Melanie you can go to MealnieJoyeLMT.com

If you want to create better boundaries within yourself, in life, or with your partner and your frustrated and exhausted with harmful relationship patterns that keep repeating and resurfacing, you can connect with me at theKindofLove.com

Thank you for listening.

I’m your coach Aaron.

Best of love to you.

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In this episode Aaron talks with friend and body work expert Melanie Joye on uncovering emotional blocks and getting past the comparison story of “I’m not enough”. SHOW NOTES :29 sec

Aaron Talks

Welcome back. Have you struggled with having high expectations. Expecting something to look a certain way and then getting frustrated and feeling crumbled by what actually happens.

I see this as perfectionistic thinking. Nothing is perfect what we can make it better.

Have you thought about wondered how its effecting your relationships with others or your relationship with yourself ?

I had a struggle with dropping perfection in my relationships, its a nasty virus in the brain. High expectations can ruin your perception of yourself or someone else. Perfection causes this limiting belief that “I’m not enough” or “I’m in adequate” because you’re constantly comparing yourself to others. It’s an endless chase and need to be approved and be loved by doing the “right” thing, or do what you “should” do.

It all starts with awareness. We hold judgements towards ourselves, others, and our partners on what we think is the “right” way, or the way “it should be”.

But the only antidote for this is telling yourself the truth. Becoming aware of the head conversation thats happening. And, exposing the reality of the situation.

The body is always telling us the truth. You can go without eating and tell yourself you’re not hungry, but at some point your body is going to speak and make a noise to let you know you’re hungry.

So how is this showing up in your relationships?

To help us take a look at how the body is always telling us the truth, I’ve brought my friend and body expert Melanie Joye Pherson to help us understand the tools we can use to acknowledge the truth and heal our wounds from the past.

Melanie has been in body work for 10 years now. She helps people process and release pain, trauma, and structural imbalance with deep corrective pasha body work and neural emotional processing. In simple terms, She makes you think and feel better.

Often we have traumas from the past or unconscious and subconscious patterns that hold us back from the kind of love and life we are looking for.

So here we go talking about uncovering some of those emotional blockages.

3:18 min

Aaron story of comparison

Comparison can rob you of what you love doing. Melanie talked about creating space for the client

Setting an intention

Living in the fear of inadequacy

5:00 min

An exercise in being present

Let your work do the work

Naming your ego

11:30 minutes

Understanding the still small voice and your intuition

Getting rid of the not enough story and replacing it with affirmations

Letting go of the story that you tell yourself.

12 minutes

The questions Melanie asked the body

What does optimal health look like for you?

20 minutes

why wouldn’t God build some thing intuitively into our bodies so we can heal?

25 min

Living life with open hands

Abundance vs scarcity

Waking up with gratefulness

29 min

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change

Thanks for listening. Did you have an “ah-ha” moment ? Did you discover something new ? Let me know in the reviews. I read them personally and I’m excited to know whats been helpful for you.

You can connect with Melanie Joye at MelanieJoyelmt.com if you’re interested in body work.

If you’re struggling with harmful patterns that seem to repeat in your life and relationships. You can connect with me at thekindoflove.com

Make sure to stick around for the third part of our conversation, where Mel and I talk about perfectionism and how it shows up in realtionship and how we need to let go of an ex partner or an idea that we had around a relationship that wasn’t working. What are some of the tools we can have to move through our fears and some of our past experiences.

Thank you again for listening.

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you.

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In this episode Aaron talks with friend and body work expert Melanie Joye on how we store memories in the body and how the intelligence of the body doesn’t lie. Show Notes :29 sec

Aaron Talks

Welcome back, alright so if you’re like me and you’ve gone through some weird relationship patterns and maybe you’ve gone to therapy. However you got there you found yourself asking questions like “what is love anyway?” Or “ Why do i keep repeating these harmful patterns?”

For me i noticed that perfectionism was this sneaky idea that creeped into my head. it created an allusion or a fantasy that didn’t exist. And when I dogged deeper and deeper into what is love and how have i been my own worst enemy in realtionships, i then started asking questions about how the body mind and emotions work together. And how often my head conversation got in the way.

IF you’ve ever read “the body keeps the score”, you may understand that our mind is the control center of our behavior. We teach the body how to do things like driving a car for instance, so that we learn it automatically. Well what if instead of learning how to drive, its learning how to love? And learning how to love ourselves? Or learning how to love others?

I’ve brought my friend Melanie on to talk about how we store memories in the body and how the intelligence of the body doesn’t lie. In fact it has no reason to lie.

I would say that in relationships denial leads to self sabotage. Denial happens when our mind doesn’t want to deal with a painful truth. But the body still remembers. So how do we ask the body? Well thats what my friend Melanie does professionally. She helps you asks your body questions.

I haven’t spoken much yet about the enneagram, but we do talk about it because its apart of Melanie’s story. She is an enneagram 1, which all you need to know for now is that the one is characterized as the “perfectionist” so who better to talk to about the body, the pitfalls of perfectionism, and loving yourself by telling yourself the truth than someone who deeply understands perfectionism.

Melanie has done body work for 10 years and adopted Emergence work to help people understand the underlying emotions and core limiting beliefs that hold you back from life and love.

What I had to learn the hard way about perfectionism, is that it doesn’t exist. Nothing is perfect, but you can make it better. and when we get caught up in “what it looks like” we loose the truth about whats good for us. Whats healthy for us. We get distracted by our high expectations and forget to be present moment and enjoy what is and what we do have.

Even the idea of the enneagram, can be seen through the lens of perfectionism and be the “only way” to do something. But it’s just a tool. Just like body emergence, just like the daily habits you create, they are just tools for better self and love awareness.

I’ll let Melanie say the rest.

Major Talking points

0-8 min seeing it as a tool

What is emergence

Enneagram

Being an enneagram 1

8 min

Moving from Enneagram to bodywork and dropping your ego on the floor

Perfectionism

Body keeps the score

Trauma can break dna structures

Emergence helped Melanie with anxiety and depression, so she learned it

14 minutes

Perfectionism

Unconscious programming

You can only change what you’re aware of

I’m at peace with in the still small voice

17-20 min

Are attachment to words and underlying emotion

Finding a tool that works for you

21 min

The body has no reason to lie

Getting out of your head and more to your body

23 min

Start of posturing and responding rather than reacting in relationships.

I need to be right

Wonder woman pose

25 min

Stored emotional baggage

Sometimes the awareness is enough and can help you feel better

28 min

Thinking your way through shutting down the panic response

Closing

Thanks for listening. Was there a big take away you’ve learned from this conversation? I’d love it if you let me know in the comments.

Often in relationships its about being honest with where you’re at and telling yourself the truth. And if you’re not sure ask the body.

On part two of my conversation with Melanie we discuss comparison and the limiting belief of inadequacy, how important it is to set and intention for what you do, and listening to your intuition. So stay tuned.

I’m Aaron

Best of love to You.

View Details

In this episode Aaron talks with friend and Sound Guide Ann Sensing about how to have self-love practices using sound. If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo

Show Notes :29 sec

Aaron Talks

Hey everyone, what you’re hearing is the Sounds of healing. Have you ever felt frustrated within about your life and about your relationships and wondered how it’s all connected ?

It seems there’s a common theme or thread when something just isn’t right. That though everything on the outside looks good, what’s happening from within is a different story.

In this episode we’re going to talk with my friend Ann Sensing. She’s a sound healer and sound meditation guide. Her story was pretty familiar, in that, though things looked good on the outside, there’s still not a satisfaction from within.

She stumbled upon sound meditation. Some call it a sound bath, where we can slow down enough to hear ourselves and understand whats going on and to understand what are truth is on the inside.

I believe that how we do anything is how we do everything. When we have an unhealthy relationship with someone or something, like maybe it’s our diet, maybe its our partner, or maybe it’s a family member. That’s really about our relationship with ourselves. Even though things look good on the outside, we’re still struggling from within.

The first step is always acknowledging where you’re at. Becoming aware means you have to look on the inside. You have to get honest with yourself to understand what your frustration and your pain is. or why the pattern you’re in keeps continuing. We have to investigate what’s going on. We have to connect the dots. What’s that truth about for yourself ?

What does it look like to get past the discomfort and live through a new experience ?

In this episode we talk about sound and instruments. We talk about the instrument that everyone has built in, their voice.

I believe that to be loved is to be seen to be known and to be heard. If we’re not hearing ourselves, if we’re not listening form within. If we don’t know our own voice, how can we show up in a relationship with somebody else ?

We’re all looking for freedom within ourselves to feel like we are who we are and to identify our truest self.

How can we tune ourselves to the frequency of who we are ?

What I like about sound meditation is that it’s about learning to pause, slow down, and really listen to what our body is telling us.

We put a lot of expectations on our relationships and we put a lot of expectation on ourselves. It seems like the more we put expectations on ourselves, the worse the outcome.

Sound can give you that space to slowdown and drop all those expectations and expose the truth of what’s going on for you. True self-love is acknowledging yourself.

Find a practice. Something you can do, that anchors you and helps you get back to center with yourself.

How can you love yourself enough to slow down. Top your Xanax prescription, and find a healthy, wholistic way to heal from your wounds.

Let me introduce my good friend and sound guide, Ann Sensing.

3 min

Ann and Aaron banter before introduction

3:55 min

How Ann and Aaron met and modality joking. We’re medium high spiritual.

Ann’s going to be on another planet and sound love.

Using the sound of your voice to heal and own your emotions

6:00 min

What sparked sound meditation for Ann?

Yoga was saving mental health. Quit job and got certified as a yoga instructor.

8:00 min

Wanted to dive more into meditation and found sound meditation. Music had always been healing. Found a center with sound and meditation.

8:40 min

Yoga was the “gateway drug” for Ann.

9:30 min

What was the moment where you saw the difference and shifted to sound meditation.

Ann wasn’t in a healthy relationship with a lot of different aspects. Original ah ha moment was really acknowledging how I was feeling. Stopped Trying to satisfy with the external world.

11:50 min

What did external look like vs internally ?

Externally looked perfect. Nice heels. Looked easy and organized.

Internally she was so depressed. She didn’t feel like herself. Overtime it got to Ann.

13:45 min

Aaron said you had dissonance.

What did Ann want in those struggling moments ? Things that had money value lessened. It was not filling her cup.

15:00 min

Started dating meditation and fell in self love. Ann was starting to fall in self-love.

Lots of discomfort upfront. 5-6 month training.

16:00 min

Exploring your voice in the discomfort.

17 min

Felt like a different person at the end. Reclaiming your identity.

17:50 min

Gibberish voice practice.

19:00 min

Holding space. personal freedom of identity

Voice is one of the major things we identify with. Throat chakra.

The voice is like a bridge between your heart ond brain.

Its like a metaphysical bridge

21 min

classic butterfly analogy

Ann has to constantly be in practice. Daily practices. Keeping your vocal path clear.

22:30 min

Break to shruti box. And the daily self love practice to notice and be aware of your voice. You’re relaxing your blood vessel.

Like little self love hacks. Voice is an instrument.

Tap into what you’re feeling. Ann has numbed so much. You can find the emotion in your voice.

Ask yourself what the emotion is

24:55 min

Relationships using the sound of your voice. Instead of attacking with words. Pause stop the argument. Let out the sound out. There’s something’s that words can’t identify. When you name and identify, you regret what you say.

26:00 min

Give yourself space and time. Not getting mad at your partner and own your emotions with sound.

Sound is therapeutic.

27:40 min

The ways that the instruments effect the mind and body. .

Aaron remembers the names.

How can the instruments slowly heal us?

29:00 min

Sound bath is a form of meditation. Bathing in the vibrations of these sounds. Learning to slow down and rest. Learning to pause and listen. You are in collaboration with the instruments. The more open and receptive of it.

Come in with a beginners mind, and you are more open o the experience. You get so much more.

The instruments are all rich with overtone.

The body can entrain in the frequency of the over tones of the sound. The fundamentals of frequency is that everything is moving. The body is intelligent. Our bodies are aligning to the wave of sound.

We’re always looking to be in the highest vibration that you can.

Parasympathetic nervous system is being turned on and we are relaxing.

33:25 min

The meditative states. Theta, delta, and alpha

Be open to being cool. Just think about being cool. Experiment being cool.

35 min

What might you expect feeling at the end of a sound meditation.

There is no expectation. If you think you’re going to feel zen, you might not. Your experience is your own.

“My state of calm might be someone else’s anxiety.”

37:40 min

Relaxation response kicked in. Get out of fight flight or hide. You’re there for a reason. More than likely relax and be away from your phone.

You want to be calmer at the end. But if you put an expectation then it might backfire.

You don’t want it to be something that you achieve or bypass.

If you feel bad after a sound bath, Ann might congratulate you that something is moving.

40 min

Hypothetical, break up or fight. Continually experiencing struggling with resistance in a relationship. What would the result of going to a sound meditation might help.

Anything where we are being present. It brings more light to what’s happening with you.

We heal together. Or you can have an instrument at home. Guided meditation typically has the breath as the focus.

42:33 min

Hearing the sounds of Ann Sensing.

The fear of the “woo woo”. What do we do to acknowledge that sound meditation is a real thing and supports you in a self love practice.

44 min - normalizing

It can be intimidating. ”Lay down and get vulnerable” putting it out in a non threatening. Being open to those possibilities. Not a traditional role for Ann.

How can I reach people in a safe non threatening way.

It’s good to have the science.

It’s a good baseline. It helps our society.

47:00 min

Aaron’s agenda behind the agenda is how do we let go of Xanax. How can we holistically heal?

Loving yourself enough to slow down and take the time to be present in your life.

Yell in your morning.

How worthy do we feel of giving it to ourselves. Spreading it and sharing it.

48:50 min

We don’t always know what our internal struggle is.

Be open to being cool. You got to get grounded. What does the healthy version of you look like ?

50 min

Aaron Talks

Hey thanks for listening if you’d like to connect with Ann Sensing you can go to magniliameditation.com She has some cool guides on how to have a better home meditation with sound.

You can check out the album we recorded here on Spotify. Look under Ann Sensing.

This episode is brought to you by me, I’m a personal coach helping you to have a better relationship within yourself. You can connect with me at theKindofLove.com

I’m Aaron Tosti.

Best of love to you.

You can also connect with Ann on instagram @ann.sensing or @nashvillemeditation

Ann’s Album

https://open.spotify.com/album/7shHbAAvRr8UJAnACuobRd?si=IXV3RKN0RUuifrGImWPjSQ

View Details

Aaron shares a story about his friend Sam who always said to him, “Make peace with Reality” and how to face the fear of the unknown. Show Script 30 sec

Making peace with reality and stepping into the unknown places in life.

It’s the scariest thing on the planet to be in the unknown.

We Experiencing a lot of different deaths in life. Sometimes that’s a relationship. Sometimes a job. Something has come to an end and it’s time for something else.

Are you in a circumstance right now thats coming to and end and it’s time to step into something new?

1:12

I’d like to tell you about my friend Sam.

For most of his adult life Sam brought joy to people. His passion was bring joy to people for a living.

1:30

I met him for the first time at my school and he sang for all of the kids in the junior high.

Sam always had the biggest smile. You could see that there was just something else about him. He was a musician and so was I. Even though he was in his 50, over time Sam and I became friends.

I always looked up to Sam. I was a touring musician and new that that there was different ways to be a musician.

1:50 min

I knew there was different ways to be a musician. Sam chose to bring joy to people. He went to hospitals and nursing homes, and sang to people.

There was a day I joined him. It was quite the experience to go and see people who had terminal illnesses, and watch him bring joy to people who were in these states.

2:30 min

Sam was like a really solid friend, not just to me, but to everyone. He also mentored me and our conversation.

We talked about life and relationships. We would look at different people’s lives. I would ask him questions.

2:50 min

One of the greatest things he told me about religion and it also applies to relationships... and he would always have quirky analogies.. He said that life for a lot of people and their relationship with God is like owning a toaster. You can buy the nicest toaster there is, shiny with all the settings. You can buy the freshest bread. But if you don’t plug it in, you’re not getting any toast.

I sat back and laughed. But I think that’s true about not only our spiritual relationship but our relationship with other people.

3:25

We would talk about other people in our life. People that would say they want one thing, but not be able to step into that unknown place. Sam said to me, “you know they just need to make peace with reality.”

I thought that sounded complacent at first. Later I realized was he was really saying. There is this resistance that happens when we don’t get what we want. Or something doesn’t happen the way we want to.

4:02 min

And it wasn’t til much later when I had the chance to meet with Sam, and he wasn’t as joyful as I once knew him. I had watched him struggle.

He and his wife had gone on vacation to his home town and unfortunately his wife got an infection that spread through her body. In a matter of weeks, she past away.

The time I saw same was the first was a deep painful cry.

4:45 min

A lot of times when a death happens and we begin to grieve, other things manifest. Sam had come down with stage 4 cancer. Not only was he morning the loss of his wife, but he was also facing death sooner than he thought.

5 min

We sat for a while and I asked Him, “Sam, how do you want to live?”

Sam responded, “ I want to stick around for my kids. I have a project with my ministry I want to finish up. “ there was a book being written.

He also said, “ I desperately miss my wife.” It’s so hard loosing someone.

5:30 min

One other time I got a chance to go see Sam in California. He was on lock down in his house. He had an oxygen tank. He was pretty weak, and could only move around a little bit. We talked for a couple hours.

It seemed like that smile had come back. Towards the end of the conversation when I was about to leave, I asked him one more time, “ How long do you want to live.”

Sam looked me straight in the eye and said, “Either way, I’m good. I either get to go be with my wife, or I get to stay here and connect with my kids and continue my ministry. But either way I’m good.”

6:15 min

And as I drove away I realized, Sam was making peace with his reality. Often we are afraid to step into the unknown. I mean what’s scarier than death when you know it’s around the corner ?

Sometimes we have to face hardship straight on. And we have to face ourself.

It takes a lot of confidence to step into the unknown. And that’s about the most confident thing I think anyone could say, before passing away.

6:44 min

I thought about all deaths in life, not just our physical death, but the deaths that we experience, the ending and restarting of everything.

7 min

We’re all just grown up tall children learning how to walk. Then we learn how to walk into our teenage years, learning how socialize and face our insecurities. And then we later have to walk into deeper relationships. We walk into jobs and then walk into careers. There’s an End and a Start and we have to face these unknown moments.

I find that when we have the perspective of always learning how to step into the next unknown... that’s when we begin to grow.

7:35 min

And so like Sam walking into and facing the unknown of death, when we make peace with reality we are able to face our fear. And move on into the next phase of our life.

7:50 min

When you’re able to tell yourself the truth. When you’re able to see and accept where your life is, and come to peace with it and what is, that’s the very moment you’ll be able to embrace the unknown.

8:08 min

Hope you’ve enjoyed this episode of the kind of love. May you find peace within your reality, so that you can step forward into the unknown.

8:22 min

This episode is brought to you by me. A personal coach. I like to meet people where they’re at, and support them into the peace and freedom that they are looking for in their life. Often that’s freedom from themselves, freedom from patterns that repeat and resurface.

Maybe it’s time for you to step into a new place in your life.

8:45 min

If you’d like to connect with me more you can go to thekindoflove.com Please subscribe to the podcast and give me a review and let me know if the thoughts and stories are helpful for you.

Thanks so much for listening to the kind of love podcast.

I’m your coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

View Details

AARON TALKS WITH FRIEND AND GUEST LINDSLEY BROOKS ABOUT SEX, INTIMACY, AND WHAT HEALTHY FEMININE AND MASCULINE ENERGY LOOKS LIKE IN A CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP. SHOW OUTLINE :30 min

Have you ever been frustrated about patterns that continue to resurface and repeat? Either in a relationship with your yourself or with a partner? Do you want more trust and intimacy and connection with the people in your life?

We continue in this part 2 on the mind body and spirit connect conversation. I have my friend Lindsley Brooke’s who is an energy healer and Intuitive Counselor.

The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in relationships. It’s really about healthy or unhealthy relationship decisions that are being made, unhealthy or healthy responses. I asked Lindsley if we could look deeper into what unhealthy masculinity and femininity actually looks like. Often our culture personifies masculine only being male, or feminine energy only being female. But everyone, whatever your energy is has masculine and feminine energy.

What does that look like? How do they show up in the body ? How do we listen to our body so we respond in a healthy loving way in our relationships? Instead of a toxic or unhealthy response.

2:00 min

When you have trauma in the body that effects sexual intimacy.

Women who don’t want anything to do with sex. Trauma affects your ability to be intimacy.

The very thing you need to do is to understand and access the body.

5:00 min

How do we overcome these things?

Either you’re scared to get physically close with someone, OR you’ve had it so good with someone else, you’ve got PTSD that you may not ever have it that good again.

7:00 min

Common denominator is trust and context.

You’re body has a wisdom and intelligence that bypasses the brain.

There was a sense of emotional safety. The same part of the brain thats connected to trauma is also connected to pleasure. What is the best case scenario to good sex. And what environment causes you to shut down.

If shut off or de-compartmentalize your body, you’re shutting off the pleasure as well.

8 min

You’re going to have to dig up some stuff.

What can I do to feel safe and be curious enough.

Lindsley said she didn’t feel safe to talk about her emotions outside of the bedroom, so thats going to show up in the bedroom too.

8:55 min

Men want to connect through the physical.

Women want to have a emotional connection first.

Get curious on why one scenario is was good and why the other had you shut down.

It’s telling you that you don’t feel safe enough.

10:30 min

Aaron asks are you creating trauma when you go through a post hook up phase.

Lindsley was noting at conscious sexuality.

There are physical longing and desires.

You’re intention is looking for approval or a need to feel whole. Thats self medicating. And you’re using someone else body to do that.

12:25 min

Masculine and Femine Devine energy.

How do you know when you’re being toxic or your partner is being toxic. How do we see toxic feminine and masculine and separate it from gender roles ?

13:50 min

Our culture is in a toxic masculine or patriarchal. Something is about out of balance.

Its not specific to gender.

Toxic masculinity is overpowering, control, war and dominant.

Toxic Feminity, is the opposite. Not having any control over yourself and being small.

15:50 min

Relationship stage is we are letting go of gender roles. The roles are shifting. Fathers get to be emotionally involved. Sometimes Female is the bread winner.

18:55 min

What does healthy masculine and feminine energy look like ?

When your anger is out of balanced.

20:50 min

Lindsly says Aaron’s in his healthy feminine masculine a coach.

It’s constantly happen. Emotions intuition, beauty, trust, art, the body,

intellect, holding space, speaking up is masculine.

20:50 min

Bringing more awareness to feminine and masculine energy.

23:50 min

The ego is so caught up in what it looks like.

26:30 min

Becoming more conscious about how my body works.

28 min

You’re relationship and your sex is going to get better the more connect you are with your body. Breathe work, yoga, meditation are going to be great for releasing stagnant energy.

View Details

Aaron Talks with friend and guest Lindsley Brookes about understanding love traumas in the body. If you want great music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

00:26

Aaron Talks

Have you ever been frustrated with patterns within yourself or within your relationship that continue to resurface and repeat?

In this season we talk about self healing. We need to Become aware of the patterns first so we can begin to reframe our love.

This episode I’ve invited my good friend Lindsley Brookes to help us talk about the mind, body and spirit connection.

How do we become aware of whats happening in our body as well as whats in our mind so we can be completely mindful of everything.

Pyschology 101 has elude to us that we bring our trauma from the past into our relationship. And now we know that it plays out unconsciously. The trauma becomes trigger points and emotional buttons that get pressed. When we react to those, we create more of the love we don’t want.

So where does the mind and body connection come in?

Lindsley is an Intuitive Counselor and Energy Healer. She helps us look at how we can become greater than the wounds of our past. So that we don’t continue to bring them into our relationship, even if our relationship with ourselves.

2 min

Did Aaron just say Linsey ? He meant Lindsley.

Lindsley is an intuitive counselor and energy healer.

3:10 min

Lindsley talks about energy healing on in the body and in spaces.

She involves mind body and spirit in the home. And most people are not familiar with how their living space effects them on a subconscious level. Its All connected.

4:40 min

You have to address it from a wholistic background. Otherwise you’re just scratching at the surface.

Aaron talks about completely removing yourself from your environment.

6:12 min

Aaron asks, if Lindsley has worked with someone where there has been a profound shift after recognizing your body when it comes to love and relationships.

Lindsley talks about being relational beings. She got into this after her own big break up.

You can’t address spiritual, without addressing emotional, mind and body.

7:15 min

Trauma from childhood contributes to your relationships now. And you have to start doing your own inner work.

You start with a therapist. Lindsley said her therapy only got her so far.

She’s always been fascinated in human experience.

9:24 min

She was taught that her emotions were bad and that her body had religious programming.

The kingdom of heaven is within.

10:45 min

Aaron asks if Lindsley could share what awareness she came to understanding about her body and being triggered.

Lindsley was constantly trying to fix her ex husband who was an alcoholic. Panic attacks. Felt out of control. And those were traumas being triggered in her, and she was being re-traumatized.

Betrayal, stomach issues. She new she had to address the issue.

What were these issues and triggers trying to tell her ?

12:35 min

Lindsley says, “I was in an unhealthy relationship.”

What is the catalyst that wakes you up to the disfunction. We don’t want to admit that the relationship is not going well.

Lindsley Bleeps her self.

Your body and your mind talking to each other. And we go into denial. Shame is a big part. But letting our mind know its ok to listen to our body.

13:52 min

There are big T and little t traumas. We have all experience trauma on some level. Trauma is when your brain is developed enough to handle it and it effects the point that can’t form language yet.

My body remembers even though the brain says you should have moved on.

Big T traumas are like war, abuse, abandonment.

Little t Traumas that can be break ups, job loss, divorce. Not everybody experiences that word the same.

16:40 min

I’m not a victim there was childhood event thats being re- traumatized.

Your body doesn’t know the difference between the actual event and what you’re rehearsing in your mind.

18:00 Min

The first step to stepping out of your trauma is always becoming aware. Most people are unaware of this unprocessed emotion.

They don’t connect the dots that when they are in an argument with their spouse that the old childhood wound is being triggered. It’s still in the body and in that part of the brain that signaling the trauma.

Its probably not just about you. Then you have to PAUSE and I need to do something to create safety and move that energy out of your body. You have to trust yourself enough that its not just about your partner.

You have to be willing to look at this memory and be ok on the other side.

19:20 min

It’s our survival instinct to not feel negative emotion but because we are human we have to feel all of the emotions. You have to create a container to process. Then you can do your relationship better. And so you’re not governed by that trigger which is your trauma.

20:10 min

How does that look in a story of abandonment?

Maybe there parents didn’t show up for them. But now they are projecting on to everyone.

It could be emotional abandonment and not having your emotions being seen.

A belief system and a subconscious program that says that I’m not safe being alone.

It’s like putting a lens on your life.

22:06 min

Lindsley said her trigger was “I’m too much” My emotions are too much. My personality is too much. Its the reverse story of not enough.

Its a fear based beleif. People joke about bear goggles but this is like your FEAR goggles. It becomes a filter you put on everything.

When you go into your relationship thats what you see and your body doesn’t know the difference.

23:16 min

A panic attack is usually saying your not living in a the same reality.

You bring the FEAR Goggles into everything and all your relationship.

If you’re not aware of that everything start breaking down.

24:30 min

Lindsey said when she was in survival mode for so long, once her divorce happened, she got re-triggered. She had to face herself.

The fear of being too much turned into somethings wrong with me.

Why is the post divorce feeling effecting me so much? There was still so much to process.

26:00 min

Aaron Asks, “How do you start listening to your body ?”

Lindsley talks about somatic healing. To access the grief and the sadness and the pain.

Eastern Tradition. Every emotion is connect to an organ.

What can you do so you can rage in a safe environment.

With energy work, the goal is to move out the energy.

28:30 min

Any dis-ease in the body will create disease in the body.

Anything thats stagnant has no movement, what parts of your body are having sensation.

The win of listening to your body, is to not manifest a sickness or to not continue in the story.

Your body doesn’t know the difference between stress and excitement.

30:05 min

Aaron talks about his hypnotherapy session.

He carries stress in his chest.

The enneagram 6 fixation is looking to be grounded.

Aaron relates is session to the end of Inside Out the Pixar film.

The human experience is learning how to hold all of the emotions at once.

Aaron felt his sadness and acknowledged that he could move forward.

Have you ever been frustrated about patterns that continue to resurface and repeat? and do you want to create a trusting intimate relationship with your partner?

This is part 2 of the mind body and spirit connect conversation I have with my friend Lindsley Brooke’s who is an energy healer and Intuitive Counselor.

The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in relationships and I asked Linsley if we could look deeper into what unhealthy masculinity and femininity actually looks like. And also what Healthy masculine and feminine energy looks like.

33:20 min - Aaron Talks

Thanks for listening. My biggest take-away is feeling through your emotions. A lot of us have been taught and our survival selfs have been taught to ignore our emotions and not listen to them. And then when we react off of those emotions that we’ve ran from or hidden, they manifest in us or in our relationship in some other way.

So to get to to the kind of love we do want, we have to acknowledge ourselves first.

If you’d like to connect with Lindsley, you can go to LindsleyBrookes.com or look up Lindsley Brookes on any of the social media platforms.

On the next episode we’ll be talking about Healthy Masculine and Femine energy as a pose to Unhealthy, Toxic masculine and feminine energy. If you’re curious about how your traumas from the past is showing up and effecting your intimacy in your relationship, you’ll want to listen to the next episode.

As always thanks for listening. If you are struggling with patterns that seem to resurface and repeat in your life, relationships with others, or with in yourself. Do you want to take control of how you respond in your relationship? You can connect with me at theKindofLove.com

I’m your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to you.

View Details

If you like the music on this podcast and you’re looking for music for your podcast or social content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF Unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Show Script 24 sec

Be in a great relationship with yourself first. Are the struggles in your relationship patterns about you, or about somebody else ?

This idea would have been helpful for me when I was younger. I’m looking for my other person who knows themselves really well and is open to knowing themselves well.

Nobody completes you. They support you. They come along side of you.

1:15 min

If you’re struggle is being single and you’re wondering why you have triggers, red flags, hang ups, and internal conflict. It’s because you don’t feel whole. There’s a lack you feel. There’s something about you that is missing.

When you feel better about yourself, confident and like you are feeling your best self, it will seem a lot easier for your partner to show up. You’re not so concerned. You’re not needy. You’re not worried. You’re not in conflict whether you’re person is going to show up.

Don’t give away the end. Find out what you need to feel whole and healthy again. Define who you are first. Then you can make a list of a million things of what you want in a partner. Until you know who you are you’re not going to be center or clear on who you want to have in your life as your other

2:25 min

If you’re in a relationship with someone and there’s conflict. Your partner is just showing your inner conflict. If we can loo at ourselves and see what we can change. If we can see our partner as something of a reflection to understand ourself better. When we first fall in love we really just see and feel a reflection of who we are. So we feel better about who we are.

Overtime, if a relationship deteriorates one unloving behavior at a time, we start to to loose a sense of ourselves. We start to loose our way. Something feels off. So when we feel good about who we are and where we want to go, things start to change. When we feel different we start to change our perspective. When we change our perspective, we reframe the story.

3:30 min

I’m not looking for my other half. I’m looking for another person who is whole. When I see that person they are just a gift showing me how I can better show up in the world. They are a reflection of how I can be better. They are a reflection of how I choose to be.

I drove for a ride share company for a while. At the end of the ride a guy in his 20s asked me why his girlfriend thinks he’s always going to cheat on her. I didn’t have a lot of time to explain, but I said, “You know that’s really about her and not about you.”

We bring our fears and struggles from the past into our relationships that aren’t always true. Because we don’t always have a great relationship within ourselves, and understand that, we bring our traumas, pains, wounds, and frustrations in and project that onto our partner.

4:35 min

So we need to become healthy and understand ourselves better, why we operate, how we think and feel, and then claim ownership over those things. Until we get clear about that, we’re probably going to continue to make a mess of things.

So I don’t really want another half. I want someone who feels whole. And I want that to remind me that I feel whole and complete. And I don’t need the acceptance or approval of someone else. I don’t need that gross codependent, needy thing that says I need someone else to complete me.

5:15 min

So many of us form believes as little kids. We watch other relationships and the way other people behave, and we form conclusions with our developing amygdala. Then those memories become big shock ways of trauma. Then the fears of that trauma or story happening again for you creates all different ways that relationships unfold for you.

So becoming aware of what you’ve been telling yourself and how that shows up in your life is always the first step. We all are a bunch of grown up kids who are learning. We slow down a bit but we don’t stop.

6 min

Form a better relationship with yourself, first. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate towards yourself. Understand what you believe about love and relationships. When you know better you do better.

One of my favorite statements to say when someone is afraid of a relationship or I might be afraid of something, I say “that doesn’t have to be true. So what else is true?” What else is out there? What else could be true? Open your gaze enough to see what else could be possible.

Our fears create a tunnel vision to only see the same story over and over again, nd live in a scared place of saying “it’s just always going to be this way.” Well it doesn’t have to be. And when you start believing in your self again and understanding, getting more confident about yourself, you’re able to see clearer the kind of relationships and love you want to have. Ask, “Is that the kind of love I’m wanting ? “ Nope ! I’m going to move over here and look at this other and of love. Ah thats the kind I want. Lets focus on the kind of love I DO want. What would that feel like ?

7:25 min

We believe with our hearts. And our thoughts reflect back to what we believe in our hearts.

I believed for a long time that relationships are hard work. It’s just real hard work to love somebody. In a sense they’re not fun, it’s just a lot of work. Or I believed that they just don’t work out. Or that there is some kind of imprisonment to being in a relationship.

I had to reframe that. I had to see a different perspective. Because that was just the continual story I kept telling myself. So one of the big questions I ask myself is, “what would fun feel like in a realtionship? What would enjoyment feel like.” And then when I focus in on that. And when I see and understand more of that, I focus in on more of that. I feel more of that.

I stop telling myself the old story that..

its going to be a lot of hard work, or they might not be into you,

or you might not feel accepted,

or you’ve got to change for somebody else,

or they’re going to mistreat you,

or they’re going to abuse you,

or they’re going to lie to you,

or ALL women are.. (fill-in the blank)

Or ALL men are.. (whatever you normal say here)

And so we create these limitations around or relationships based on what we believe about our experiences and what we believe about ourselves.

8:45 min

So get to know you. Get to know your intuition. Get to know what love feels like for you. Get to know what love looks like for you. Not what is HAS looked like, but what you WANT it to look like. Go from feeling the kind of love you don’t want, from the kind of love you DO want.

Understand your limitations, so you can get past your limitations. Understand the yes and no of what you do want and what you don’t want.

Start making a choice about the kind of person you want to become that will attract the kind of person you want to be with. The other whole person you want to be with. Feel completed. Feel a sense of confidence, clarity, love and appreciation and you’ll start to see the kind of love you want show up in your life.

9:45 min

Hey thanks for listening to The Kind of Love. This season is packed with conversations about having a better relationship with yourself so you can have a better relationships with others.

This season is brought to you by me, Aaron. You can visit me at theKindofLove.com or @thekindoflovepodcast on instagram. Please fill free to share this with your friends, your mom, your partner.. accept don’t bring thi s to your partner and be like “you need to listen to this, you need to change !” Thats not cool, kind or loving.

You could sit down and listen to it with your partner instead of watching Netflix.

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NARRATE

Welcome back, hopefully you’ve joined me on the last episode where My brother Dave and I spoke about holding space IN the relationship.

Now we are going to talk about holding space for yourself in the aftermath of a break up.

When we recorded this interview, my Brother David’s relationship had come to an end.

I think to the degree of which you spent time loving someone determines the degree you will spend recovering from a divorce or a break up.

One time a friend told me for every month you date someone you should only spend about an hour reflecting and recovering from that. I think t’s different for everyone.

But I think there’s something to that. The question is “how long do you want to spend experiencing the break up?”

And what does it look like to hold space for yourself when a relationship is really traumatic.

Many times its just like a death, and you have to set side time to mourn, surround yourself with people that love you, and give yourself time to reflect and heal.

It’s interesting to hear Dave’s perspective on when you’re really IN IT. And what your friends think you need and what you really need. Only you choose to let yourself recover.

You have to get back to having a good relationship with yourself.

So here is some more on two brother’s talking about love.

(Short narration from relationship ending is much like a real death. And giving yourself time and space to greave. This could be mentioned at the beginning of part 2)

4:45 min

Detachment and if the buddha dated.

5:38 min

Detachment after a break up. Aaron mentions that he was told that he was still in a relationship with his ex.

6:30 min

Daves says I’m not going to lie, I’m still attached

David talks about the level of depth he had with his ex. And it was a sign of all his transformational work.

And the break up doesn’t feel congruent with all of the depth and love thats truly there

10:00 min

David begins talk about the practice of non attachment. Its a quiet practice of being ok and not needy in a relationship.

11:26 min

David compares detaching from a realtionship to the death of his friend in high school DR. That was an early experience of detachment and feeling abandoned.

12:26 min

David and his partner would practice say I choose you and I love you today, everyday.

13:15 min

Aaron asks David about feeling abandoned after the death of DR. Aaron shares a story of walking in David’s room right after DR died.

14:45 min

David talks about the difference between a grandparent dying, and a close friend who’s on your same level.

Anytime someone dies you get a reminder that we’re just here for a moment.

17:36 min

Aaron asks Dave about his recent break up and surrendering and letting go after the relationship was over.

When you’re going through a break up you’re surrounding what is lost, and trying to care and have love for yourself at the same time.

19:00 min

Aaron makes the point that when you’re in a lot of pain you ARE self absorbed. And explained his experience in recovery.

When you’ve had a detrimental break you feel exhausted and you’re checking your emotions and your vital signs.

20:10

Aaron asks Dave what the aftermath looks like, and what’s been helpful.

David talks about slowing down. Choosing not to judge yourself or keep up in an action oriented world.

21:32 min

Dave talks about the judgements he has on himself to DO. In a break up you need.

Dave says to everyone, “I’m not functioning how I normally do.”

23:00 min

David talks about how not everyone has done the work to know what to do when you’re in the muck of a break up. Talks about not needing anyone’s advice and holding space. A break up is like going through a death.

Not a lot of people take the time to ask, “hey what do you need?”

24:50 min

Aaron Talks about a friend who gave him emotionally unintelligent advice to go sleep with someone else after a big break up. And Aaron says, what’s really going on is he doesn’t want to see his brother suffer. And hopefully see the other side for him.

26:15 min

Dave talks about American culture not want to experience discomfortable. But Dave sees this is a spiritual teaching. He asks, Pleases don’t disrupt it.

David said surrendering is saying “I don’t really get this, and I’m not going to try but just be in it.”

28:00 min

Aaron talks about minding the process of breaking up.

Aaron was resistting to not want to be in pain, but also knowing that you need to feel through pain to understand. And also, when your stuck changing your energy and not living in that emotion.

You have to feel through it, identify it, and then release so you can get to a point when you’re pass that.

Mind the process of how you greave. Aaron mentions being sarcastic with himself. Sarcasm brings awareness to the inner self critic.

30:00 min

Dave talks about our culture is not a feeling culture. Let go ok in allowing the sadness. The crying pass through, it can be cleansing. Aaron says we’re afraid to look ugly, instead let out a good cry man.

Allowing yourself to cry is holding grace and compassion for yourself.

33:00 min

Aaron asks what do you want the story to look like? As is that even appropriate ? Dave says he’s not in the space to think about a future partner.

Still minding the process.

Aaron asks whats the love you want to receive? Whats the kind of love you’re not getting that you do want.

33:45 Dave says, “I’m in relationship with myself and looking for the healthiest me.”

Dave is much more connected with loving yourself. You’re spiraling if you’re not in that space.

“There’s plenty of time when I don’t like me, but being ok with not liking me.” And then you beat yourself up more.

Aaron mentions that it’s Feeling bad for feeling bad.

35:50 min

Letting go of all of the judgments you have on yourself.

Dave says its like being in a room with yourself telling yourself, “Put the gun down. Its alright self”

37:00 min

Should’s are heavy judgement statements. Dave keeps thinking about how someone is going to judge him or make fun of him for going to the spa.

It’s a sacred space for Dave. Aaron coins the phrase, SPAmaste.

Aaron tells Dave to Keep taking care of himself, thats true self-love.

38:30 min

David and Aaron banter and talk about the ice cream truck that looked like an abductor van.

39:30 min

David and Aaron talk about surrounding yourself with good people.

For the people that are post break up. Slow down, love yourself and surround yourself with great people that are willing to just BE with you.

You know the self critic wants to have you return to what you know. And when it comes to a break up. Just know that it’s ok to not be ok for a little while. Recovery time takes time.

The best thing and the first step we can do when we’ve experienced a break up or a separation is slow down and listen. Listen to ourselves mainly and take this time to be an opportunity to see what we’ve learned.

If we can reframe our break-up as a gift. If we can reframe our ex as a beautiful gift just teaching us more about where we’re at, how far we’ve come, and how we can love better.

But before you try to do anything. Pause to a complete stop. Stop all of the survival self mechanisms to want to fix anything and go through the emotions your feeling. We all have divergent variations to fight, fly or hide from our pain. But facing it head on, and moving through it is the only way to get to the other side.

Only then will you gain a better relationship with yourself.

If you’re struggling to gain grounding in your relationship with yourself, there’s help out there. Find someone who can support you in your recovery. A therapist, a coach, a counselor, a solid friend. Know that you’re not alone and that though your circumstance is unfortunate. There’s people who get it.

Thanks for listening. This episode is brought to you by be a personal coach who supports people in overcoming their harmful patterns in their relationship with themselves and others.

Thanks for listening. I’m your Coach Aaron

Best of Love.

I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship.

We don’t just overnight fall out of love, we fall out of love one unloving behavior at a time. Is it possible then that we can restore our relationship one LOVING behavior at a time ? I believe they can restore it one loving behavior at a time. But it always takes two to be in a relationship.

I talk with Dave in this first part about how to cultivate a conversation in your relationship at the very beginning, to create a foundation around it so you can begin to love and trust each other.

When our emotional buttons are pushed in a relationship, it’s not really about our partner, its about us. And the hurt, pain, annoyance, or disgust is really about our pain from the past that we need to overcome and heal. Our partners behaviors just reflects back to us that pain and that hurt.

You’ve probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people.

So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don’t harm each other and where your partner isn’t your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.

I talk with Dave how he set up his relationship with his partner with the intention to not harm one another. We’re imperfect human beings, but its important to create space in the relationship to give ourselves the love and respect that we need to heal.

What do I mean by space? I mean the ability to have compassion, empathy, trust, and to not react or harm your partner. Its the ability and the emotional intelligence to understand that the pain you hold onto is not about your partner, it’s about you learning to love and accept yourself. Then, you can grow back your relationship one LOVING behavior at a time.

When we get committed to truly loving ourselves in the relationship, we’re making a commitment to loving our partner. When get an understanding of choosing ourself in the relationship, we then grow the capacity to choose our partner as well.

Dave and I grew up under the same roof. II believe the story that “I’m Bad.” The shame story we bring into our relationship and we let it reek havoc because we believe we’re bad. And if we believe that we’re bad, it will show up in real life.

Our brain wants to reinforce that story. But the truth is we’re not bad. We need to look at that shame and shine a light on it so that we don’t keep continuing the harmful cycles and patterns.

This episode is brought to you by me a personal coach. I work in self-love and self-acceptance. You can go to the kindoflove.com and sign up for the newsletter and you’ll get podcast updates and be sent love inspiration.

Here’s a couple brothers talking about love.

Interview

4:50 min

We just get the moments we don’t always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward funny thing ?

5:50 min

Brother’s banter about the intro.

6:30 min

Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissing for 3 months. That was a terrible idea if you’re teen and beyond.

7:40 min

Dave says every moment was awkward with so much sexual tension. Especially who’s being told your bad for thinking sexual in anyway. Dave says its like being constipated.

8:30min Aaron and David grew up with the same awkwardness. David points out that all we were told as young teens is “sex is bad”.

9:50 min

You’re going trained when your young to deny yourself of sex, and that you can’t have it and that you’re bad for having it. Shame is the worst.

You just wanted affection.

Dave says “when you just want to hold hands and then all of a sudden it skips to German dungeon sex. And then you’re told you’ll be in hell.“

12 min

Aaron talks about the fear of “if you even think of a girl in the wrong way you’re going to hell!”

Dave says, “it’s The root of glitch. “

Dave messes with Aaron and jokes about messing with all of the hosts.

Dave almost ditches his story almost brings it back. Aaron makes a hard turn and jokingly asks Dave if he wants to talk about the deep ocean of Melancholy in a relationship that has just sucked the life out of you.

14:00 min

Aaron brings up holding space in a relationship.. What does this look like when you are really frustrated with your partner?

Dave talks about setting that up at the beginning. Its common when you’re angry, the other person wants to put a bow on it and solve it and wrap it up.

It’s an important to acknoledge with the other partner that you need a moment. And then being willing to actually remove yourself. Its easy to get pulled back in.

Changing your environment and honor each other. It may not about be you it could be about the other person. And you also give space to the other person.

Dave says, “Ask what is about for me at the core, that is tripping me up?”

17:00 min

When you’re giving yourself space you’re also giving them space as well. Many people want to be in that unhealthy space where you want to force and fix it. The “We want to make this right right now”

You’re saying, “I’m for you and I believe you’re for me.”

Not live with resentment for many days. Or you may need to acknowledge that and tell your partner.

I get that it’s my problem and I’m working on it. Ego wants to be right.

When you create space it creates deep roots. To be able to trust one another in the muck, they’ve got to go work on their “stuff”. And that helps the relationship feel anchored.

19:30 min

Aaron talks about starting a firm foundation. Aaron says that in his past relationship if he would have had this practice his past relationships would not have been as messy. And then asks Dave how he established foundation in his last relationship.

Aaron talks about being open and honest. And understanding at the beginning of a relationship understanding that you have a wounded past.

21 min

Dave said a lot up front to his ex on the first date even. And they set that foundation right up at the front.

22:00 Dave talks about setting an intention on the first date.

Dave says, “Why wouldn’t I be my most authentic self?” You have to be honest about who you are and your intention.

You have to be sensitive and understand where people are at.

Dave said at the beginning. “I’m not a game guy.” Just Be pure and true the best you can. Then you don’t bullshit mask each other. We’re only hear for a short time.

24:14 min

David committed to never cheating, and said, “if for some reason I’m so attracted to someone else, I’m honest and I will just tell you. Hey I’m really attracted to this person.”

When your in a committed relationship, your intention is to do no harm. You may do some cause you’re human and hopefully not a lot and check in on that.

The downfall of every relationship is lack of communication and honesty.

Red flag warning, if you’re dating someone thats not having that conversation with you, or if you don’t feel like you can be honest up front, you should or get out.

26 min

Get clear about who you want to be in the relationship. Who you want to be also dictates what you want back.

Give what you want to receive.

Aaron didn’t know these things growing up but doesn’t want to beat himself up either. There was a lot internally going on that held him back from having those conversations.

27:00 min

Dave says now I think about how he wants to navigate the conversation with his kids.

We got taught a certain way. And we need to not beat ourselves up about it and re-teach ourselves.

Aaron says we’re all a bunch of big children walking around.

Aaron narrates

We all are a bunch of big babies walking about, Like tall children that have grown up. We’re grown up kids. And we’re always learning. We come into this world innocent. We fall down and then we fall down and get back up again. Every person is just learning how to walk. The codependent person wants to get into a relationship and think that they can fix, or solve, or save the other person from their problems.

The mirror comes back in when we see our partner as ourself, or we see our neighbor as ourself. Then we’re able to look inside ourselves and save ourselves first. Save ourselves from our own pain and sufferingThat begins by telling ourselves the truth. It begins with awareness.

I love that Dave set up his last relationship to be a safe place and to learn and to grow as partners. Unfortunately the relationship ended, and thats ok.

If we go into relationships trying to understand ourselves better and grow, then we gain the capacity to love each other more and more.

Part two of this interview with my brother David is about detaching from a partner, learning to heal and become more aware after the break up.

Whats the aftermath look like ?

Often times we get into a relationship we fall in love, and then it seems like out of no where something changes. Maybe we see patterns that loop around and come back. We get exhausted from those patterns that repeat and resurface. It looks different for everybody.

No matter what side of the break up we’re on we feel like that person changed or we lost ourselves. It’s still confusing and frustrating. The more we come to clarity and truth about ourselves and love and accept ourselves. The more we have capacity to love someone else in a relationship. And then we bring our newer self into the next relationship.

Even though a relationship doesn’t last, we can see our partner as something of a gift to teach us more about ourselves. We can see our judgements about our partner as something they need to work on, OR we can see it as a reflection of something in ourselves to heal.

In this next part we’re going to talk about holding space for yourself AFTER the break up. There is a grieving process that happens. A lot of times people want that quick fix or that cure to get back to normal and act like everything’s ok. But thats the exact moment that it’s time to become really aware of what actually happened in the relationship. It’s a chance to look inside yourself and see what you created in the relationship that was harmful and change that about yourself.

Thank you so much for listening. This episode and many to come are brought to you by me. I’m a personal coach that deals with love and self acceptance. You can got to thekindoflove.com and download a pdf on more self awareness, self love and self acceptance.

If you like the music on this podcast you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Thanks again for listening. I’m your coach Aaron

Best of love to you!

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Thanks for listening. If you like the music on this podcast go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF of a Subscription for unlimited music at Soundstripe.

Episode Start

Hey whats up. Welcome back. I’m Aaron. This season is going to be all about the aftermath of break-up. ITs about healing and loving and accepting yourself.

What are some of the ways and tools we can use to lean into healing out wounds from the past? So we can move forward into the kind of love we want.

Im excited about this first interview. Its with my brother, Dave ! We’ve known each other for a little while. When we recorded this Dave had just gone through break up with a finance. His willingness and vulnerability to even have this conversation shows a lot about his character.

I really want to explore these painful stories and wounds from our past that we bring into our relationship. Ultimately we get our emotional buttons pushed a lot in our relationship.

You’ve probably heard that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe healed people can heal people.

So how do we cultivate a relationship where we don’t harm each other and where your partner isn’t your problem ? Where you recognize that your wounds are your problem.

Here’s a couple brothers talking about love.

Interview

4:50 min

We just get the moments we don’t always get to record the moments. Boomerangs thoughts will come back and what was that awkward funny thing ?

5:50 min

Brother’s banter about the intro.

6:30 min

Aaron brings back up his awkward not kissing for 3 months. That was a terrible idea if you’re teen and beyond.

7:40 min

Dave says every moment was awkward with so much sexual tension. Especially who’s being told your bad for thinking sexual in anyway. Dave says its like being constipated.

8:30min Aaron and David grew up with the same awkwardness. David points out that all we were told as young teens is “sex is bad”.

9:50 min

You’re going trained when your young to deny yourself of sex, and that you can’t have it and that you’re bad for having it. Shame is the worst.

You just wanted affection.

Dave says “when you just want to hold hands and then all of a sudden it skips to German dungeon sex. And then you’re told you’ll be in hell.“

12 min

Aaron talks about the fear of “if you even think of a girl in the wrong way you’re going to hell!”

Dave says, “it’s The root of glitch. “

Dave messes with Aaron and jokes about messing with all of the hosts.

14:00 min

Aaron brings up holding space in a relationship.. What does this look like when you are really frustrated with your partner?

Dave talks about setting that up at the beginning. Its common when you’re angry, the other person wants to put a bow on it and solve it and wrap it up.

It’s an important to acknoledge with the other partner that you need a moment. And then being willing to actually remove yourself. Its easy to get pulled back in.

Changing your environment and honor each other. It may not about be you it could be about the other person. And you also give space to the other person.

Dave says, “Ask what is about for me at the core, that is tripping me up?”

17:00 min

You’re saying, “I’m for you and I believe you’re for me.”

Not live with resentment for many days. Or you may need to acknowledge that and tell your partner.

I get that it’s my problem and I’m working on it. Ego wants to be right.

When you create space it creates deep roots. To be able to trust one another in the muck, they’ve got to go work on their “stuff”. And that helps the relationship feel anchored.

19:30 min

Aaron talks about being open and honest. And understanding at the beginning of a relationship understanding that you have a wounded past.

21 min

Dave said a lot up front to his ex on the first date even. And they set that foundation right up at the front.

22:00 Dave talks about setting an intention on the first date.

Dave says, “Why wouldn’t I be my most authentic self?” You have to be honest about who you are and your intention.

You have to be sensitive and understand where people are at.

Dave said at the beginning. “I’m not a game guy.” Just Be pure and true the best you can. Then you don’t bullshit mask each other. We’re only hear for a short time.

24:14 min

David committed to never cheating, and said, “if for some reason I’m so attracted to someone else, I’m honest and I will just tell you. Hey I’m really attracted to this person.”

When your in a committed relationship, your intention is to do no harm. You may do some cause you’re human and hopefully not a lot and check in on that.

The downfall of every relationship is lack of communication and honesty.

Red flag warning, if you’re dating someone thats not having that conversation with you, or if you don’t feel like you can be honest up front, you should or get out.

26 min

Get clear about who you want to be in the relationship. Who you want to be also dictates what you want back.

Give what you want to receive.

Aaron didn’t know these things growing up but doesn’t want to beat himself up either. There was a lot internally going on that held him back from having those conversations.

27:00 min

Dave says now I think about how he wants to navigate the conversation with his kids.

We got taught a certain way. And we need to not beat ourselves up about it and re-teach ourselves.

Aaron says we’re all a bunch of big children walking around.

Aaron narrates

I love that Dave set up his last relationship to be a safe place and to learn and to grow as partners. Unfortunately the relationship ended, and thats ok.

If we go into relationships trying to understand ourselves better and grow, then we gain the capacity to love each other more and more.

Part two of this interview with my brother David is about detaching from a partner, learning to heal and become more aware after the break up.

Whats the aftermath look like ?

If you like the music on this podcast you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music.

Thanks again for listening. I’m your coach Aaron

Best of love to you!

View Details

This season Aaron will be hosting interviews with friends, family and professionals on self-love, self-acceptance, and the many aspects and ways of overcoming and healing from past relationships that have left you feeling frustrated, confused and exhausted.

00:26 min

Aaron Narrates

Welcome to the podcast season 2.

I’m excited and it fills up my spirit jar to hear others and their stories.

I’m going to have guests that are professionals, family, friends, and hear the wisdom that they’ve learned.

It’s about what we tell ourselves and how our emotions are connected to our thoughts. How we can continue to create love trauma or not in our life.

1:45 min

So I want this season to be about self healing and raising our awareness. We can only change what we are aware of.

Theres many ways in which we can heal, and we are adaptable creatures. We have the ability to adapt and love again. Thats how I became a personal coach.

It comes down to the individual creating a better reality for themselves.

2:46 min

When I was younger I thought the golden rule was treat others better than yourself, but it’s actually treat others AS yourself. So I’ve been put to the test of seeing every interaction as I’m just having a conversation with myself. And when you do that you learn more about others and have more empathy for them.

3:45 min

How can we become more mindful of the love that we are creating ?

When we are more mindful of those things there’s a ripple effect every where else in our life.

4:20 min

Not everyone has the same story but we all desire to be free from our suffering. But we have to face ourselves sometimes. Its easier to stay in our familiar uncomfortable patterns.

Its challenging to face our survival self that just isn’t working anymore.

I hope you’re experiencing and creating the kind of love you’re looking for.

I’m your coach Aaron,

Best of Love to you.

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In this solo-episode, Aaron talks about emotionally responding to the COVID-19 pandemic. How we can choose to isolate or collaborate. Collaborating and coming together actually keeps us sane.

:26 min

Here we are. Welcome back. This is the kind of love I’m NOT looking for. This virus right? These are strange times. But its also these strange times that slow us down. We have choice in the matter. We can choose to jump into a survival strategy, freak out, and do all of those things and react out of fear and anxiety. Or we can choose to slow down. It forces us to do one or the other.

Its funny as a human race that we wait for crisis. We what for something really bad to happen like a relationship gone wrong. The loss of a job, a weird virus that shows up out of nowhere and completely takes over globally.

1:23 min

This episode is unusual solo episode where I’m challenged, and I invite you to slow down and listen, not to me necessarily, but to yourself. We are meant to survive and thrive of course, but then we are also meant to share as a people. When heartache and pain and frustrated and death and all of the things tat we’re confused by. When all of these things happen, we can either isolate, and not just physically isolating, but isolate in anxiety, depression, or anger. Anything that separates us emotionally from the world around us. Its a major reality check. What’s your reality ?

2:22 min

Who we are has a ripple effect in our life. Who we are effects the people around us. We have a chance right now to choose to isolate in our own little ways or collaborate.

2:40 min

How do we come together? How do we do the thing thats unusual, or unnatural? The thing that takes us out of our comfort zone.

The big question is what do we want the story to look like? What do we want the result to be from this time? And the hardest part is that we don’t have control over much of anything other than ourselves and how we respond.

So do you choose to respond in love or in some state of fear? How do you speak love into your life and truth into your life right now?

How do you hold on? Or Is it better to let go?

3:35 min

Better questions always lead to better answers. If you’re struggling out there internally. This is part of my self-love and self-talk practice… try slowing down and asking yourself whats the story going on right now for me? What am I telling myself ?

3:50 min

In a way our fear of the unknown can be our enemy. We scatter to do all of these strategies and all these other ways of being to control the outcome. Not that we shouldn’t do anything. We should be proactive and protect what we have. But, we can also give. And how do we give when a lot of people are scared out of their minds?

4:20 min

A lot of people have fear about where the economy is headed. Some of us are grasping at straws, some of us are grasping at toilet paper. But I think the greatest strength that we have as humans during this time is to come together. And I know I’ve bee really grateful. My friends can be my hero’s. There’s been a lot of friends that have helped me, and that always reminds me to try to support others.

4:55 min

What do I mean by collaborate ? If you’re an artists, musician, painter, entrepreneur, or you’ve heard the song ice ice baby from the 90s, you know what collaborate means. I’ve seen a lot of businesses here in Nashville step up and help people in need.

5:20 min

When we’re collaborating we are creating a new story for ourselves. We’re thinking about things differently. WE’re being way more intentional. And choosing to do something great.

When we feel a sense of gratitude, like we’ve just received something. When we feel a sense of “ I was able to give something to someone that I didn’t think I had,” it fills you back up again.

5:50 min

When we go spiraling down into depression, or anger, or anxiety, confusion, we think we’re alone in the matter. But, you’re not alone. And its ok to not be ok. And its also not ok to live there.

How long do you want to stay in this familiar uncomfortable place? How long do you want to hold on to your melancholy? How long do you want to hold on to your anger?

6:24 min

Instead ask, What would a better version of yourself look like on the other side of this? And how could you connect with other people in this time?

6:40 min

In Nashville its been mostly raining during this time . And right before the Virus hit us, there was a destructive tornado that touched town. It could be a slippery slope to spiral into worst case scenario and think this is dooms day.

It doesn’t have to be dooms day. But it’s definitely a reality shift for all of us to show us how fragile we can be. To show us that we don’t have control over everything. It levels the plane for our entire society. Entitlement starts to dissolve when we’re all stuck in our houses and we’re faced with things about to fall apart.

7:17 min

All of the things that we’ ve taken for granted in our lives. And all the things we just expect to be apart of our lives, like the roofs over our heads and our baristas making our latte’s the way we want them made

Everything that we readily have access to, their value changes. But, really our perspective just changes.

So what’s the narrative that is actually life giving? What does the story look like from here on out?You have a ripple effect with where you want to go with your own story.

7:55 min

Coming together keeps us sane. We live between two extremes. We can choose to see that this virus is the worst thing ever, that our world is falling apart, that this is the worst thing ever, and be scared out of our minds. Or, we can see this as an opportunity.

8:15 min

I like to see these situations as a gift. What can I learn form this. We’re faced at looking at the essentials of our life. We’re all faced with look at what really matter.

So How can we look at the valuable things in our life? And keep those valuable things? And be grateful for those valuable things. Maybe, just maybe on the other side of this, come out as better versions of ourselves.

8:40

What would it look like for you to choose to isolate or collaborate? What if you just calibrated with one person on something, maybe it was a drawing, maybe it was a business, or maybe a delicious meal.

Slow down, get into the present moment and ask yourself, “Is this decision I’m about to make, is it based in the fear of the unknown, or is it based in who I know I am?”

9:03 min

Slowing down forces us to rethink and reframe our story. How do we begin to survive, and then thrive?

First by sharing, by collaborating, by offering up our resources and talents, by being honest with ourselves, and being willing to give. When you give it gives back.

9:30 min

We’re al forced to look around and see what we have. Can we give what have? Do we hoardr what we have ? How can we come together and build a better sustainable, healthy, world for ourselves.

Its ironic to think that it takes physically distancing to see that we have an opportunity to connect every day.

Final thoughts

9:57 min

Love isn’t a feeling. Passion, joy, and excitement are feelings. Love is something you do.

How do you create love within yourself so it becomes a ripple effect. And you’re able to come together and create something great.

Sometimes it takes crisis to let us know we need a shift in our reality. But, We can really choose this at any time. You don’t have to wait for crisis to hit.

10:30 min

This pandemic just slowed us down enough to notice that now is the time.

Small changes have there own ripple effect. Whats something you can do?

What's one routine change, one thing we can give to someone that they can't give themselves, one thing we can do to make our life better, one thing to make our healthy, one thing to grow your business, one thing to connect with someone else and create connection?

11:05 min

Whats just one thing you can do, today? something different, something new, something out of your comfort zone. There's going to be a ripple effect.

You know there's that old saying "its not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country." What if we replaced the word country with other things that we care about in our life like family, friends, partners, community, your finances, your life, your business? Whatever that thing is that you want to have change in your personal world.

11:42 min

It's not what your life can do for you but what you can do for your life. You get to choose. That's real empowerment. As I challenge myself, I invite you to go take one small action step to cause a shift, to the change the thing you want to see happen. Then the next day, do one more small action. And so on.

Closing

12:04 min

Hey thanks for listing to this mini episode of the kind of love podcast. I hope that you’re getting the kind of love you’re looking for. This is season has been brought to you by me mainly, a self-love, self-talk, self-affirmation, and self-acceptance coach.

You can always connect with me at aarontosti.com or thekindoflove.com

This season is wrapping up. Next season we’ll be talking about self healing, self-care, and different modalities that help us to get back into being centered, balanced people. A lot of that has to do with stress, and how it takes us away form being our best selves. But if we can get back to being our best self, it will create a ripple effect of love in our life.

12:50 min

I’d like to thank our sponsors this season Soundstripe.com If you are a content creator and you want to put music to your podcast, video, or whatever content you create that could be even better with music underneath it. You can go to the kindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF an entire year of music of unlimited music by Soundstripe.

13:15 min

You’ve been listening to the first season of The Kind of Love Podcast. A podcast where we explore the internal struggles and internal dialogue that might be holding you back from the kind of love you’re looking for.

I’m your coach Aaron. Best of Love to you.

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Let me introduce you to Morgan aka “Lauren” my girlfriend from high school. We talk about our funny RomCom stories, her perspective on dating me as a very conservative Christian dude at the time, and her cat relationship problems.

1:15 min Aaron Narrates

What’s up everyone. Sometimes I wonder, “is it worth going to your past and digging it up and talking about it?” I don’t think it’s good to dwell on it, but I think its helpful to examine it, learn from it, and change your perspective.

And to change my perspective I had to go back and look at all my relationships, see where I went wrong, and see how I could’ve done things a little differently. If you’ve been listening to this season, you might have heard about my first big break up with who we Faux named “Lauren”. Her name is actually Morgan and she’s joining us on this episode to talk about our experience.

At one point during our relationship I was challenged to break up with her because I didn’t know if she was a Christian at the time, and I was in a Christian that didn’t want me to date a non-christian, which ironically was very not Christian of them. I think often times we make these decisions, and assume a lot about people and we don’t love and accept them for who they are. We don’t even ask questions to find out more about them.

Turns out Morgan was raised Christian, yet I almost broke up with her and that was ridiculous, unloving, and not accepting. But I think we can examine our relationships, and ask our loved ones what their experiences are. Instead of seeing them as WE are, get to know them for who THEY are.

Instead of distancing ourselves, being afraid, and not knowing who someone is, try to invited them into a conversation and get to know them. Then we get to see them for who they really are and love them and accept them.

So let me introduce you to Morgan my ex from high school, all our funny rom com stories, her perspective on dating me as a very conservative Christian dude at the time, and her cat relationship problems.

3:05 min

Aaron asks Morgan, “How’s your cat problems?” She has very needy cats. And she has nice Napa wine. The Cats need the door slightly open.

5:00 min

Morgan is very detailed person. She remembers things specifically including NOT looking like Avril Lavigne. Morgan, says, “You mean the wrong thing Josh said.”

Morgan thought she was Goth Stephanie, but Aaron clarifies she’s more like “Goth Zoey Deschanel”. She doesn’t look like Zoey, its only cause the bangs.

6:35 min

Aaron and Morgan describe her style. Aaron tried to offend Morgan. She sarcastically says, “it’s cultural appropriation.”

Morgan can’t figure out her headphone situation. She has first world white girl problems.

8:00 min

Aaron makes a weird Segway. Aaron was attracted to the way Morgan dressed. Aaron is curious if Morgan was attracted to him in high school, or if she had to warm up to him.

In high school, Morgan talked to her friend Megan who told her Aaron didn’t date. So Morgan wrote Aaron off. Aaron wasn’t on Morgan’s radar.

Morgan knew Aaron didn’t like Megan, so she thought Aaron didn’t like her. But when she heard

9:30 min

Typically Morgan holds out for a lot of love, but when she knew it wasn’t unrequited love, she was interested in Aaron.

Aaron talks about how he shouldn’t have told Megan he was picky. Megan and Morgan were always together.

Morgan says that she’s never the chaser.

11:30 min

Aaron talks about high school trying to follow Morgan. It was like a romcom. Aaron was wondering how they ended up dating.. Morgan says, “Yes you are very formal about everything.”

Morgan said Aaron had hang ups. And Aaron told her he wasn’t going to kiss her for a while. And Morgan wondered if something was wrong with her or if this was normal.

13:30 min

Morgan was raised christian but not like Aaron was. Aaron thought Morgan was Jewish. She was a “Sunday school” Christian. She went to church, but didn’t bring it home.

When Morgan was 13 her mom told her she was Jewish.

Aaron went to a Jewish Temple Service when Morgan’s mom invited him. Aaron had to kiss the Tora.

15:35 min

Morgan tells Aaron how her mom renounced Christianity. The pastor told her mom that her Grandpa was going to hell. So her mom was trying to get in touch with being Jewish, andAaron was a byproduct.

17:05 minutes

Aaron asks Morgan about the moment of Aaron almost getting kicked out of a band and having to choose between music or Morgan. What was her perception ?

Aaron talks about it being really nervous because she was the first girlfriend that he liked a lot. Morgan says that being told he wasn’t going to kiss her didn’t feel good, but also was kind of a challenge.

Aaron Apologizes. Morgan said she didn’t know any better but Aaron was the first guy she ever really loved.

Morgan felt valued after being kissed. But it placed a weird ora and tension on the relationship. Morgan didn’t have the same views. Morgan liked Aaron, so she went with it.

20:00 min

Aaron talks about always being together. And even his dad getting mad at him for getting home too late at night.

Aaron says they got really close.

20:40 min

Aaron jumps to when he was put up to break up with Morgan. He either had to break up with Morgan or save her.

Morgan says they ended up talking at her front door. They both did grand gestures in high school.

22:00 min

Morgan brings up cold shoulder conversation. Aaron asked if she learned about that on the podcast. They’ve talked about it before.

Morgan says that she didn’t know at the time how to communicate that she wanted the attention that she needed. She perceived Aaron wasn’t into her when he was with friends laughing and joking.

Morgan says it was a miscommunication.

23:15 min

Morgan said she didn’t know what else to do, and Aaron says that was like her survival mechanism. Morgan says, she felt like if Aaron wasn’t paying attention to her, he wasn’t interested in her. Which she’s moved on from thinking that way. It wasn’t true.

Aaron says they communicate much better today.

24:25 min

Morgan says that she just didn’t have a relationship model at all.

Aaron says that they just weren’t seeing each others side. Everything is neutral. One situation can be experienced completely different from either side.

25:20 min

Aaron talks about that day, how they both weren’t able to speak each other’s truth. Aaron talks about not wanting to hurt Morgan but having to tell her the news that he was being pressured to break up with her. He felt really heavy that day.

26:30 min

Morgan remembers things totally different. She said to Aaron, “I’m not, not-Christian. I don’t NOT believe in God.” Aaron asked her if she wanted to be.

Morgan remembers thinking “Do I make a decision on something I’m neutral on? Or do I lose the guy that I love?”

Morgan cared more about staying together.

28:40 minutes

Aaron thought Morgan felt bad and she did. Morgan talked about how she was later angry at the band and that they did the least Christian thing you could do.

Morgan says that she didn’t really care at the time but later realized what the band did was kind of fucked up.

Aaron had to choose between a girl he loved and playing music which he also loved.

31:45 min

Aaron Asked Morgan, “Was there a moment when you were upset with me ?” She talks about not feeling like having a guy choose her. Morgan said that definitely hit an emotional button.

Aaron says, to not have a guy choose you that is already in a relationship with you, that’s the kicker. Because you need to choose people in love.

33:15 min

It still bothers Aaron. He has forgiven the band and his brother.

34:05 min

Aaron asks Morgan, if you were me what would you have done ?

Morgan talks about being a hopeless romantic, and she chooses the person at all costs. If she was an adult in Aaron’s shoes, without question she would have choose to be in the relationship and told the bad to deal with it.

35:20 min

Aaron asks Morgan, “What’s the difference between the love you were looking for then, as opposed to the love you’re looking for now?”

When she was younger, Morgan was looking for someone who was obsessed with her as she was with them. Now she is looking for a partner and an equal.

36:33 min

Aaron and Morgan talk about funny memes that talk about the difference dating in your 30s compared to your 20s.

37:20 min

Aaron mentions that he and Morgan had an on and off relationship for a long time. He relates it to her cats in the doorway. Like you want to know that it’s still available, like the door is still open.

Morgan says, the timing was just always off. And they were kind of each other’s first loves. Or maybe because we weren’t shitty people.

Aaron says it’s like the cracked door open, but I don’t know what to put in that relationship space.

41:05 min

Aaron Thanks Morgan for being on the podcast and being cool about it. Now they see the moments of the past, not as something to be trapped by.

42:40 min Aaron Narrates

Hey thanks for listening. Now you know how messy my past was. I’d like to thank Morgan again for showing up and being vulnerable enough to talk about our past relationship. Maybe you’ve grabbed some take aways. The lesson I learned was, ask questions don’t assume, be honest and open in your relationship, and except your partner for who they are.

When you put a value or an expectation on some one to be a certain way that they’re just not, it doesn’t really work. But, you can acknowledge that it doesn’t work. And, you can move on and still love them for who they are even though they’re not in your life in that way anymore.

If you’d like to stick around, there’s another story about Morgan in a church parking thats really funny and a little inappropriate. Stay tuned if you’d like.

This episode is brought to you by me a Self-love and Self-Acceptance Coach.

Most of the music on this podcast is from Soundstripe. You can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and if you’re a content creator, you can get 10% OFF a music subscription for unlimited music for an entire year.

Thanks so much for listening to the kind of love podcast!

I’m you’re coach Aaron.

Best of love to you.

Now here is a funny awkward story.

44:00 min

Morgan tells a story of going to the Passion of the Christ Movie. They made out in the church parking lot. A cop came and asked them if they go to the church, they said no. And he said “Well maybe you should.”

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In Part 3 of 3 episodes we talk deeper on Joe & Denise’s spiritual practice of healing emotional wounds and how True Love is actually the path to spiritual healing.

1:15 min

Aaron’s Intro narration

Hey, welcome back to the Kind of Love podcast. This is the 3rd and final episode of Joe & Denises Love story. Hopefully you’ve had a chance to listen to the previous episodes on how Joe and Denise met, how they overcame their relationship fears, and in this episode we talk deeper on their spiritual practice of healing emotional wounds and how True Love is actually the path to spiritual healing.

I’ve come to believe that we can be our own worst enemy some times. We can get fixated on a story thats told us we’re not good enough, we’re too much for people, we don’t matter, people leave us, things don’t work out for us, there’s many more on that list of fear based stories, but the worst one is “I’m bad.” And if we just involuntarily or unconsciously believe you might be innately bad, thats going to show up in our lives. We’re going to create, manifest, be self fulfilling prophecies and thats going to show up in our life.

So as we begin this conversation ask yourself, “What would the my story look like if I was already good?”

You could say that many of us are searching to be saved from this story that we’re bad. And Love, Self-Love, compassion, grace and forgiveness are the way to truly healing that story.

Here we are talking with Joe and Denise from where we left off talking about pain, suffering and seeing our fears for the illusions they are. And, how to look at this from a deeper, impactful, spiritual place.

3:50 min

Denise introduces the question, what is pain ? And Why do we give pain so much value? Its not that big of a deal. Joe mentions especially when you face it. When you have the courage to face your fear, you see it for the illusion that it is. Joe says, “The peace that I wanted was contingent upon me making a commitment to this relationship.”

Joe says, everything we want is on the other side of our fear.

5:00 min

All spiritual traditions talk about getting into a place of stillness and peace within.

Christianity, dying to our small self and being born again. Let go of the game of ego. Peaceful loving awareness. Experience what is present always.

Then we can be grounded in peaceful loving awareness.

All of our relationships look different. We will look different. People perceive us differently.

But we have to be willing to pass through what we are afraid of.

6:20 min

Aaron brings up the analogy Denise told him that courage is standing in the river while the current passes. And when we try to do anything else and fight it becomes our ego’s strategy.

7:05 min

Denise says that it’s so important to become aware of your egos strategies. How does my particular behave? What does it sound like ini my head? What is its language or tone of voice? What are the emotions as it stirs up in me?

Use the enneagram for how your ego behaves. The enneagram number identifies “That which you are not”

Denise says, “You can not change what you’re not aware of.” Spend a month learning your ego and what the head conversation is.

8:40 min

Then you have the opportunity to notice when it shows up on a phone call, on a date, in business, you know what to do.

Identify the ego by naming it. Drop into the present moment and say “ego wants me to do perform.”

9:40 min

Aaron’s ego can even beat itself up for trying to be in the present moment which is the insane part of the ego.

Joe asks, “why wouldn’t your ego want to be in the present moment?” Aaron says, “So it can keep suffering!”

10:10 min

Aaron talks about how the ego strategy seems to always come through the back door. Thats where the manipulation comes from through the back door, and it’s endless. Ego says lets do this strategy that hasn’t been working for us anyway.

Aaron’s ego’s name is Richard, ‘cause sometimes he’s a dick.

11:00 min

Denise says, “Dick did you just slip through the back door?” Joe says,” That has all sorts of implications.”

Aaron says that he named his ego that because you need to laugh at yourself some times. Like, “Thats so funny that I want to do those things and think those thoughts and suffer some more. That sounds awful.”

That sounds like a “Dick” move.

11:35 min

Aaron Narrates

This is where self narrative meets ego. And it becomes spiritual. We name things, we labels on things and judge them with our ego. So why not expose your ego by naming it. Then it becomes a way to separate the internal dialogue thats been creating the story that has been holding us back from the love that we may even already have. It might even be right in front of us, but the ego blinds us.

When we move away from our ego’s fixation of wanting to be in pain, or frustrated or depressed, we can get back to being our Truer self and not be bound by our own internal dogma, or our own internal punisher so to speak.

My way of laughing at my own ego just keeps me from entertaining those thoughts and those emotions that are holding me back from what I COULD be experiencing, not would I SHOULD be experiencing.

I think we can continue to beat ourselves up for what we’ve done or who we think we are based on our ego’s pain story, but then we don’t get to move into the love we DO want. Again, its just loving ourselves enough, being compassionate towards ourselves, and then we have space to give and receive love with others.

13:05 min

Aaron mentions what Father Richard Rohr has said about replacing the word “God” with Love. Denise says that he said to replace the word God with Love for the next 50 years because it’s been given such a bad wrap.

Some people have a bad connotation to love as well, but thats been egos strategies to try and get love.

14:10 min

Denise and Joe’s relationship to Spirit (G od) is love.

Denise said that Joe’s hugs were an experience that she has never experienced before. She felt held by the presents of love. And that was really healing for her.

As we use the word “love” rather than God, it opens us up with people. Denise and Joe desire to create the openness to receive and give love and to recognize themselves as love.

16:10 min

Who has an objection to Love? What does it look like for someone without a sense to spirituality or who might be an atheist?

Even atheists has seen some of the dangers.

There’s far less objection to love. The word God has been used for a lot of manipulation and control. IF we just replace the concept with Love it will have a greater affect.

17:15 min

Denise suggests the definition of Love. Love does no harm to self or anyone else or the planet.

In relationships, Is what I’m about to do going to draw us into deeper intimacy? Or is what I’m about to do going to draw us further apart.

Instead people say, “When you do that behavior it makes me feel like shit.” They think thats the path to drawing closer. But it communicates theres a problem with you.

Majority of people are too attached to their ego to handle even a little criticism. It lands on the emotional button.

Thats why its important to understand that your partner is not your problem your wound is, the thing that just got triggered. I’ll go heal that and then I’ll talk to you about what happened in that space.

Is it helpful or harmful? “you need to correct for me to feel good.”

19:10 min

Take it to a conversation with the true identity, which is truth. Not the false identity which is constantly trying to defend itself.

If you feel the urge to defend yourself, You’re in ego. If you’re offended, That’s ego. Which is 99% of the time. We are constantly self punishing or being offended constantly.

We wouldn’t tolerate from another person the way we talk to ourselves.

20:40 min

We tolerate this within ourselves and justify it. I have a lot of evidence to support this. Be present and quiet from the stories we tell ourselves and have Self compassion and self love. That’s where the healing takes place.

21:50 min

One way to imagine your inner self requires the truth. Denise asks Aaron, “If you were your nephew that was being berated the way your ego talks to you, what would you say to them?”

Aaron says, ”I’d tell the friend to stop. And I would also tell my nephew you’re good enough you don’t need to consent to this.” And by the way its not true.

23:15 min

Ego divides. Spirit units. Our ego is constantly dividing and conjuring within ourselves. Stop listening to the insane voice inside our heads.

We’re so conditioned by the believe that we’re not lovable or not enough.

Even when we try to get still the ego wants to blame us for being super spiritual. It’s relentless.

Be still and the ego can’t. Stop in your egos tracks.

Stop Listening and stand in your power. I no longer require to hear these lies.

25:05 min

Aaron Narrates

I love the point that Ego separates and spirit units. Makes me think of the phrase Love wins. So when we see relationships falling apart, countries divided, or religious organizations creating division, I wonder… is that ego or is that love? And can we heal ourselves first, and not cause as much harm towards each other by loving ourselves and saving ourselves from our own story first.. just a thought experiment I’m having right now.

25:25 min

Aaron brings up that Denise at one point said, “Now I know I’m good enough for any man.” That was right before Joe proposed. She asked if Joe thought the relationship was still going to end. He said yes. She chuckled and said, ”You have healed me. Now I know I am an amazing woman. I’m an amazing partner.” It wasn’t arrogant. Denise knew she wasn’t reactive anymore.

27:45 min

Joe says to Denise, “Thank you for doing the work. Thank you for showing me the way.”

Joe says it requires so much gentle tender hand holding. It took a lot to raise awareness. Have a lot of grace and compassion for yourself. Soften the hardened heart. Our ego’s are fragile. We have to create a space that is safe.

29:35 min

Aaron states that Love truly creates self empowerment and empowers others. Denise says, “I don’t know if you can get used to true love. It’s so shocking.”

This is our life and we get to enjoy it. The work is not for the faint of heart, and its not a quick fix.

Aaron brings up that true love is “Happily ever always” instead of the fairy tail, “Happy ever after.”

Thanks Joe and Denise.

You can connect with Joe & Denise at thenewparadigmoflove.com

31:35 min

Aaron’s Closing Narration

Thanks so much for joining me on this week’s episode. You are courages for going deep and vulnerable.

Joe & Denise have an incredible story of love. My biggest take away is probably, like Joe & Denise, if you choose to look at yourself, uncover the dark corners of your heart, and choose to heal and overcome you become truly free. So start by telling your own damn truth.

We are nearing the last episodes of this first season. We have a surprise guest coming up from my backstory, so hold tight.

If you’d like to connect with Joe & Denise and get love support from them, you can find them at newparadigmoflove.com

This is episode is brought you by me, and… also Soundstripe has been so kind to offer their music on this season. If you are looking for licensable music for your video and audio content.. you can visit thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF a year of unlimited music at Soundstripe. Sweet !

You’ve been listening to the Kind of Love Podcast.

Thanks for stopping by.

I’m your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You

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In Part 2 of 3 episodes we talk about the fears Joe had in the relationship, Denise being dedicated to healing herself, Aaron’s fears of being in a relationship and how to approach getting past relationship fears. It’s a vulnerable one.

1:15min

Aaron INTRO Narrate

Welcome back to part 2 of Joe and Denise’s Love story. In this episode we are jumping into talking about fears in a relationship and stepping outside or getting past those fears. Seeing fears for the illusions that they are.

I first ask Joe about his fears in the relationship. Then I talk to Denise about how she had this unwavering dedication to heal and get out of her fears in the relationship. And by the end of the conversation, we talk about some fears I’ve had to face in dating. So its kind of like being in a vulnerable coaching session with all of us.

Anytime someone is on my podcast it takes a lot of vulnerability. So make sure to join us in this trust tree and open a can of vulnerability.

I think the most powerful part of this story is the contrast between Joe and Denise of their dedication to the work of healing. Getting past their ego and getting into their essence. When I say essence, I mean their truest best version of themselves. The most honest, authentic version of themselves.

Being in a relationship can sometimes be like going on a diet or starting a New Years resolution. If we say we want to have a certain relationship, or we want to be a certain way, there’s incongruence there. There’s this lack of alignment in what we say we want, and what we’re actually doing.

So if you’ve ever felt stuck in a relationship, or stuck in a non-relationship and want to move forward. Or maybe you’re afraid to get into a relationship, this episode will speak to you.

3:05 min

Aaron asks Joe, “Was that the commitment phobia ? What did that feel like to move into love with Denise?” Joe says it felt safe. Denise would check in on the relationship. He still felt trapped from the fear of commitment. Without a beat Joe would answer Denise that he was still planning on going to have other experiences.

5:04 min

Joe says I’m already choosing Denise every day. And that felt really good. How his resistance was hurting Denise. He questioned his ego. And then realizes I’m still say yes to this. And then wanted to take it to the next level. Once he let go of the story, it was easy to step into a commitment. And Joe got afraid again after he proposed. Denise never shamed Joe and took that to spirit to heal.

Joe saw the story as a future possible distraction. And he realized how much love he was being shown.

7:26 min

To be clear. Denise is not a doormat. She took Joe’s resistance as something that was in her best interest. She said, “How do I know what’s in my best interest?” She needed to trust the process. His “no” was in our best interest. “I knew I was becoming a healed powerful women.”

Those wounds were being healed. And Denise was being shown what I really wanted.

9:30 min

Denise talks about Joe’s “yes” also being in her best interest. And she was shocked when a proposal came. She through we going to go on as is or she was going to go on being in another relationship healed.

Denise says, “I was not a doormat. I was fully conscious of the decisions I was making. And I was making them for good reasons.”

10:16 min

Aaron asks Denise, “What did it look like for you to overcome all your fear and truly heal?” For most people they might recognize our trigger. Denise talks about her triggers were not to be afraid of, but to be investigated. When Denise would get triggered by her stories, “I don’t matter” and “everybody leaves me”, she would investigate it as a lie. It’s through knowing the truth we have freedom. If you’re believing a lie theres a contraction, when you are believing the truth, it expands.

Take that to spirit, heres the lie whats the truth? Here’s all of the people that still remain in my life and haven’t left me.

13:20 min

Because the ego is designed to be right, it will create behaviors and patterns to make the belief true. Denise used to have a lot of behaviors that would make people not want to be around me. She thought she was being loving and supportive. And then gaining a better perspective. And understanding that what I’m doing is recreating my story over and over. So to have a new story, she had to tell another story, and I have to do different behaviors to get the story to be true.

14:30 min Music and Narrate

What a level of vulnerability it takes to acknowledge and be honest with yourself? That takes true humility. How often does that show up in your world and in your life were you tell yourself a story that just isn’t true? It shows up and manifests int different ways.

I love when Denise talks about when she thought she was helping people, but she was actually pushing them away. The irony is interesting, but thats really backwards. The ego can be tricky. We create our own problems in the relationship and we do it unconsciously. We don’t even think about it. We think we’re doing something great, but our motives are totally off.

By simply checking in with our intentions we can alter our experience. It moves through the lies and the illusions that we tell ourselves. Changing the driving force from fear to good intentions. You could call that love.

15:38 hr

Denise talks about more traditional relationships like like dating. They are anxious about how they’re BEING. We bring in stories in to the date. The conversation is motivated by fear.

16:22 min

But what if we enter the conversation through a completely different door. One that’s about the other person. Say something like, “I’m just here to learn about you.”

16:55 min

Denise talks about going into dating trying to GIVE rather than trying to get and figure it all out. Aaron knows that that’s been his strategy. Denise hit a point about what Aaron notes trying to find the one. What he calls relationship OCD. Aaron talks about going on dates, being present, and not go to that conversation of wondering if their “the one.”

17:49 min

Denise says, “What if YOU’RE the one?” And not, “is she the one?”. And maybe not the one forever, but at least for tonight to bring some love into her life. Aaron says, “Sounds sexy.”

18:20 min

Denise talks about a man that healed heal a women by making it about her. It was both sexual and healing. Denise says we require different things. Its not a one size fits all. There’s different ways people need to heal.

19:40 min

Aaron talks about leaning into a different fixation where he looks at a better future outcome where there isn’t a problem. It’s just a gift and an opportunity.

20:10 min

Aaron talks about how far he’s come in this conversation. He jokes about Joe and Denise being “Love Sherpas”. The Sherpa can only bring you up the mountain as far as he’s gone. Joe and Denise have become Aaron’s #RelationshipGoals as he has wanted to create or make or have the experience of true love, rather than the ego love he’s been chasing.

21:15 min

Aaron speaks about his fears. Aaron describes his ego story of “not being enough” or “it not working out” and the fear of success. Aaron talks about it almost being easier being disappointed. That becomes whats comfortable is things not working out. Denise asks Aaron, what does “it not working out” give you? There’s a reward.

22:20 min

Denise says its interested that we get addicted to our experiences. We get a hit. What is that hit? It’s apart of a cycle which supports a story.

Aaron says it keeps him safe from being hurt. We have the choice to keep suffering. It’s the hardest thing Aaron has worked on getting over. And he says this holiday season he’s going out on dates. And discovering for himself. Aaron says, “I know I’m a safe person. But when ever I’m in an ego conversation I’m really just running from myself.” Now I’ve been taught the tools. I’ve gone up the mountain. Aaron is going to keep going.

25:05 min

This path requires a lot of courage. Denise says, “It’s a trading of uncomfortableness.” Its trading whats familiar, for what you don’t know. Aaron wants to stay in the familiar and being alone for what he doesn’t know. There’s something that Aaron’s not giving himself permission.

What the ego makes up is that its going to be far worse. Its stays in the familiar uncomfortable zone, rather than the UNFAMILIAR uncomfortable zone which is like being on offense. Get away from being on defense where you never get the goal, and be on offense. You may get knocked down but you’ll get to the goal eventually.

26:42 min

Aaron talks about playing small and playing “not to loose.” Aaron compares it to folding on poker game on every hand. “I’ve got a full house, but I’ll just fold cause their might be pain and stuff on the other side.”

27:23

In closing Denise brings up the conversation of pain. She asks, “Why do we give it so much value like its something to be avoided at ALL costs? It’s not that big of a deal.” Joe says. “Thats what we teach, that everything we want is on the other side of fear.”

28:10 Aaron’s Ending Narration

The ego is a funny thing. It’s strategy always seems to be going through the back door trying to get something else it thinks it has control over. But it doesn’t have any control over it. But what you really want is right there in front of you, yet we decide to take the ego's route every time. We do this to try and get what we want rather than just surrendering to what might be better for us.

What might be better is staring your fear in the face and disarming your fear. Which means disarming yourself. When you’re able to see the fear as an illusion, you’re able to do something different.

Stay tuned for the 3rd part of this conversation with Joe and Denise on how we can see pain and learn to move away from our egos strategies. What’s outside of these strategies is personal growth in our relationships. And that erosional growth is spiritual growth.

Thanks for listening all of our music is brought to you by Soundstripe music. Soundstripe offers a year of unlimited music. You can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF a year subscription.

This is The Kind of Love Podcast.

Thank you so much for listening.

I’m your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to You.

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Joe & Denise are a one of a kind couple. In Part 1 of 3 episodes we talk about what attracted Joe and Denise to each other and how Denise’s Love Coaching practices built a solid foundational relationship. Part 1 Joe And Denise’s Love Story 1:15 min Aaron Narrates Hey you out there! Welcome back to the kind of love podcast. This interview I’m really excited about. We are talking with the coaches that coached me how to coach. But first, they thought me about love. They are Joe and Denise from neparadigmoflove.com Joe and Denise taught me a lot about how to love people. And how not to make other people my problem. It’s a big conversation so in this first episode I wanted to talk about their love story. How they met. Its rare and facinating. We talk about how they met. I find it really interesting how they came together and how they worked as a team to support each there and not harm one another. Denise’s perspective is very admirable, very intentional and very curious. And Joe is also a very present, intentional, curious and understanding kind guy who gives good hugs. I love the idea of people coming together and supporting each other rather than trying to divide and be separate. Along the way you’ll hear how different from the norm their dynamic is. Unfortunately in my most of my life I’ve seen couples not be able to be on the same page. They blame and point the finger. They see themselves as separate. With Joe and Denise they accept everything about each other, even the hard to reach dark corners, the scary ones. The places and parts of themselves that a lot of couples don’t necessarily talk about. But Joe and Denise, they bring they’re truth to light so they see each other as a teacher, rather than a monster or an enemy in their relationship. In my early life, and I’ll see this from time to time. It seems like couples like to make their partners smaller. It’s like the Leonard Cohen song that Jeff Buckley mad popular, Hallelujah. There’s a line in the last verses that says “All I’ve ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody down who outdrew ya” I think a lot of couples can get into that conflict easily. But the story of Joe and Denise.. this is much much different. So without further introduction, lovers listen in. Here is Joe and Denise.. Joe & Denise’s Love Story 3:35 min Denise and Joe say “hi !” Lets talk about your story. Aaron has seen there entire relationship blossom. Aaron has seen them go from dating to marriage. 4:20 min Aaron wanted to know how Joe & Denise attracted each other. Joe starts first. Joe was finishing up a divorce. Joe was at a friends and Denise came by for coaching. 5:30 min Joe was skeptical and was going to just have “fun”. He thought he would just do some dating. He never thought he was going to be married again. Joe was captivated by Denise’s peacefulness. Joe invited Denise to a Toastmasters and he wasn’t trying together with her. 7:00 min They ended up spending 3 hours having conversation.Joe wasn’t attached to the idea that they were going to be together, and so Joe just started asking a bunch of questions 7:43 min Denise talks about her attraction. She used to be married to a chronic alcoholic. He wasn’t mean. But he was very unhealthy emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She knew at some point she’d be leaving the relationship. Her husband went on a drinking binge. She wasn’t in the mind space to date Joe. Denise wanted to be a public speaker and asked for Joes number to learn about toastmasters. 9:24 min After MollyBlooms, Denise was taken back by Joe’s ability to ask questions. Denise felt more known by all of Joe’s question, more than any other person in her life. She felt captivated by. She said she was craving it. She couldn’t have put words to how that felt before she experienced the conversation with Joe. 10:44 min This was a very different experience than Denise had ever had with anyone. She was craving this intimacy. She was so taken back she couldn’t get the experience out of her head. The next morning she sent Joe an email to affirm him in what he did. Denise said, “ I wanted more. More please!” 11:40 min Aaron Narrates This fascinated me about Joe and Denise. Seems like neither of them were TRYING or FORCING a relationship. Just two very present people being open and curious. It was about a good conversation. How simple is the connection they made? Yet we are afraid to go deeper with people. We’re afraid sometimes to get to know people. We put way too much meaning before we go on a date or anytime we go to have a conversation.. Yet when we slow down enough to get to know someone, we drop our snap judgements and get to join the experience. 12:30 min Aaron asks Joe about him not being sure about Denise.. Denise talks about her ex alcoholic ex husband being vastly different. This was 2013, in 2007 Denises ex was going through insane withdrawals in intensive care. Denise was lonely being in a relationship with an addict who was emotionally withdrawn. None of her deep emotional needs were met. And she made a list of the man she wanted to be with in a relationship. 14:10 min Denise said she prayed, “Please just bring me the boy. I don’t want to date or go and try to find him.” When Joe entered her life. It was like God had delivered a beautiful package. Neither of them felt like they were “looking”. But when Denise was talking to Joe from across the table she said, “This is him.” 15:10 min Aaron Says, “and you kept going.” One day turned into another day. Joe mentions Denise telling him to “Show up authentic. You’re not my problem. You’re never going to be in trouble. I’ll never say an unkind word.” Joe would never be in trouble. Denise told him, “You’ll never be my problem. You will only and ever be my opportunity to address that which is in myself that requires healing.” Joe says thats what we believe the space of our relationship should be. Its meant to heal our wounds. They even said “Lets see how long this will last.” Denise also promised to never say an unkind word. One day turned into another day, into another day, into another day. 17:00 min Joe would say that the relationship was going to end at some point. Denise used Joe’s resistance to heal her wounds. Denise would not have healed without Joe. Joe would not have healed without her. Denise now knows her value by the challenges that came up in the relationship. 18:30 min Aaron Narrates So you may have noticed Joe or Denise say the word essence or spirit. When they say Essence they’re meaning their truest self, their purest spiritual self. And when they say ego they’re meaning their false self. The sense that wants to believe a false story. And when they say Spirit they mean God or their deepest intuition.. And so it becomes a spiritual healing that takes place in their relationship. And this is where the change in the conversation goes from what some couples might go into confusion and miscommunication.. Joe and Denise step into a deeper connection. Instead of jumping into a relationship trying to GET from each other.. Denise sees Joe’s resistance as a way to change her internal story and to heal her own past wounds of not feeling enough, or feeling like she doesn’t matter. So instead up backing out by fear she steps in deeper. 19:35 min Aaron Asks Joe what was the ego story he was in. “I was going to have a lot of sex!” Joe talks about all of the women he mentally rehearsed having sex with. He never had a physical affairs. Stories that Joe just made up. The story that Joe attached to was “This is going to be a lot of fun.” 6 years later after acknowledging the story he was telling himself. He would have been the cliche mid life crisis. He was grateful to not have gone down that path. Denise really showed Joe the road less traveled. And along helped him to heal. 22:05 min Denise asks Joe if he discovered for himself what he was really looking for, that he thought having a lot of sex would have given him. Joe says the only thing he thought a lot of sex would be was fun. And he would be avoiding his pain and suffering. Avoid his heart being broken while having fun. Joe’s essence or true self wanted to express love in safe space. A lot of safety was required for him, and Denise offered that. 23:25 min Joe’s was conditioned to “I’m always in trouble” old stories from previous marriage. He assumed he was going to be in trouble. Feeling like a disappointment. He found evidence in his ex. Blaming it on someone else rather than taking responsibility for himself.Joe thought, “ If I’m not around her I wan’t feel like a disappointment.” 25:05 min Aaron remembers a old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.” And mentions that a lot of guy have that same story “I’m going to be in trouble “. Denise talks about an un-faulty foundation. 25:55 min Denise explains how the majority of relationships are set up. Its really just a viscous cycle of wounding one another. Its so consistent and crazy. The strategy of the ego based on fear. Its some form of attack or controlling. Which actually works is to give. To come from a place from wholeness. Because of her ex husband, she considered him his teacher. 27:20 min Joe was Denises test subject, a guinea pig. She had to see only the good in Joe. Took a long time to build trust. Trust had to come in the form of encouragement and support. Even if Denise would have energetically have criticism or judgements, that would have broken trust. 39:04 min Faulty purpose vs Devine foundation. Faulty purpose is to GET your partner to do what you want. Devine is to grow and heal. See them as the Gift, not the problem. You are here to trigger me to require what needs my attention inside. 29:55 min Aaron says thats a serious commitment. Denise and Joe talk about how most relationships are set up to be comfortable. Typically it’s “ I’m here because I want to feel good and you make me feel good… until you don’t. And then I’m mad about and I have to control and comfort you into the image that I want you to be.” 30:25 min Aaron talks about the end of the movie The Break up. Denise says its like trying to get a cat to Bark. Thats why Denise invited Joe to show up authentically. Be authentic up front so you know who this man is and how he does life. And not try to get him to perform. That doesn’t work. But that’s what 99% of relationships do. 31:44 min Aaron says he loves that Denise was choosing Joe and choosing to heal and then you wanted more. Joe talks and says yes ! He was seduced by love. That required several years understanding with Denise. Joe made a blanket statement he was never going to get married again. That was just the protection mechanism. 33:15 min Joe talks about Denise being patient and pouring love into him. 1 Cor. 13 “Love is Patient.” Denises love voodoo. Literally healing Joe. As a result, Joe then held the container for love. And then that container of love in the relationship started to overflow. Aaron’s Final thoughts Thanks for listening. What did you think? What are you putting in your relationship space? I love how committed Denise is to loving Joe. And in turn, How committed Joe was to loving Denise as well. And it all starts with how we enter into our relationships and what we put in out relationship space. What’s the conversation? Is it helpful or is it harmful? Are we being our authentic selves? Or are we trying to perform and get our partner and our loved ones to give us what we want? Stay tuned to the next episodes around Joe and Denise. We talk about overcoming our story. We talk about Joe and how he overcome his false self story. The kind of story that can hold you back. If we want to have something different in our lives, we got to start telling a different story. We have to find evidence to support the truth about ourselves. We’ll be talking about Joe and his internal struggles. We’ll talk a little about me and some of the stories I’ve held onto. And how dating life could look a little different being more present and intentional. And if you’d like love support from Joe and Denise, you can go to newparadigmoflove.com and connect with them there. All of the music on the first season of this podcast has been licensed and brought to you by Soundstripe Music. If you need to license music for your podcast or your video content, you can go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get a 10% discount for an unlimited year of music. You’ve been listening to the kind fo love podcast. I’m your Coach Aaron. Best of Love to You!

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In part 2 of 2 episodes, Aaron and his friend Abby talk more about the contrast between love addiction and true love. Abby talks about her awesome relationship with her husband, and what it’s like to be a team. What’s the message pop culture is telling you? 1:28 min Aaron Narrates Hey welcome back to the Kind of Love. This is part 2 of a 2 part episode. Where I’m talking with my friend Abby about pop culture and the messages that we are telling ourselves. We are talking about her and her husband’s relationship, and how awesome that is. And then we talk about my love addiction a bit. We talked a lot about that on the last episode. But, you can really see the contrast of the messages that we tell ourselves, and what true love and true partnership really looks like. It’s not the high highs and low lows Hollywood-type attraction. That isn’t always real life or real love. We might meander a little bit, but Abby and I really love talking about this stuff. How expectations from our culture even play a part in the roles we play in our relationship. How we bring our own pressure and our own expectations on ourselves. How to let go of those things and be our authentic self. So here’s part two of love addiction vs true love. 2:30 min Aaron came from a divorced family. He says, “You can be on a team in a relationship, its actually possible.” 2:50 min It’s so fun to be on a team. It’s such a synergy. 3:20 min Lee and Abby being a team. They say “I love you and I Like you.” It’s like being on the same wavelength. 3:45 min Abby says, “We just want both of us to be in our passions and living our best life.” Abby needed to quit her job and Lee was there for Abby on the same page. Lee already had a plan. They were emotionally a team. It gave Abby a lot of confidence to have support from Lee. 5:20 min There could have been a lot of fears, like “I’m dropping the ball” or “Lee is going to be mad”. 5:50 min Abby felt a release of pressure, sometimes pressure and obligation is only in your head. Lee said, “thats not a burden, lets take that off.” 6:25 min People ask, but Abby says, ” I wouldn’t be writing my book without my husband. A relationship is becoming the best version of yourself together. Without him I wouldn’t have gotten this far in this dream.” 7:00 min Lee has made big changes professionally. We push and pull on was that are good.“ I know I’m the best version of myself because of him.” - Abby 8:00 min We’ve been overlapping who you were 5 years ago and who you are now. We’re all evolving somehow, its how we’re choosing to evolve. 8:15 min You become a great reflection of your partner, love you and shows you the things that are diamond in the rough. If you’re single its about loving yourself and when you’re partner joins up with you it becomes a plus. Abby says, It magnifies and encourages all the great things about you, and loves the things about you that you might not like. The things that might be diamonds in the rough. 9:10 min It’ s crazy what we make up of a situation. Everything is neutral. Aaron always asks himself, “Who am I doing this for? Are looking for someone’s approval?” (Analytical paralysis voice) When you become self-empowered, you realize you’re doing this for me. When you’re in that true love state, you’re also looking our for the betterment of other people. 10:20 min - Aaron Narrates I love this idea that everything is neutral. It’s just what we perceive of a situation. Our Emotions have a lot to do with that. It’s the story that we are attaching to the situation. We place then an expectation on our partner.. But we even place a bigger expectation on ourselves. But when you are looking to do whats best, and by whats best I mean what’s healthiest for you, that’s when you are typically doing what’s best for both of you if you’re in a partnership. Or Whats best for everyone if you’re looking at the ripple effect of your actions in all of your relationships. 11:05 min Abby asks Aaron, “Was calling your ex a relapse or a healthy option?” It was a step towards a good thing. It wasn’t a full on relapse. It wasn’t a hook up. Aaron says, “It was a step towards my awareness about it.” 12:35 min Aaron talks about getting over a smoking addiction and a love addiction was very similar. It was like.. “I can go to the movies and not have popcorn. I can run into my ex and not be in an obsessed loop, self-punishing love story.” 14:00 min Aaron had a fixation he calls “Therapy boyfriend” where he felt he need to fix everything. But then reframed and saw that she needs to grow and have space, and Aaron needed to do the same. 15:10 min Aaron relates the story loop like his addiction to smoking cigarettes. When he smoked he had a flood of thoughts. He had to get over the mental part. Aaron was getting a biological hit from being in the obsessed story. He knew something neurologically was going on. A rush. 15:50 min Aaron had to get over that behavior. He started running. You have to mentally getting over the jonesing from the addiction. 16:40 min That helped Aaron realize, I was in a story. We keep going back to our past. I keep running this operating system. This “love story” program to make me feel like me when it doesn’t have to be you. Fear of not having the same experience. 18:10 min You break up with one person and so you go back to another ex . And go back to something familiar, rather than something different. Whats distressing is being alone. You have to step into something different to really get over the fear story and the addiction. 19:50 min - Aaron Narrates So let me ask you. Are you in a love obsessed addiction in a relationship or lack there of? The kind where you’re really attached to your partner. Or, are you in a partnership where you feel independent and not co-dependent? Are you where you can be yourself but not emotionally attached in the sense that if your partner went away you wouldn’t go through withdrawals. Or, the expectations that you have on your partner wouldn’t offend you if they didn’t follow through. And if you are recovering from a toxic love, you need to heal. You’re body needs to heal. Your mind needs to heal. You need to move forward and be ok without a hit from that person or the attachment or a fix that person has giving you. The more solid and grounded you are, and the more love you have for yourself, the healthier you are. And then you’ll be able to bring that version of you into all your relationships. 19:55 min Abby asks Aaron, “how long have you been single for?” How does that feel for you. 20:10 min Aaron considers himself a hopeless romantic. We can choose to identify with things like movies. You can choose to be in a sad bastard story or something different. Choose a different story. 21:05 min Abby asks Aaron, what did you listen to instead of sad bastard music? Aaron said, “Anything else. I started listening to comedians.” John Mulaney jokes about his jewish girlfriend who communicates well. Aaron’s old friend also jokingly said, “Don’t listen to Ryan Adams’ ‘love is hell’.” 22:15 min Aaron said to himself, “Stop feeding yourself these ‘oh poor me’ stories” What am I telling myself? Having an emotional reactions ok. But how long do you want to experience that emotion? How long is the melancholy ok? Be aware of what am I telling myself in all of this? 23:00 min Who do I want to hang out with? You are the sum of the 5 most closest friends you hang out with. Aaron had to decide to be around people that were good and healthy for him. People that you want to be more like. People that would be more of a good reflection in myself. 23:38 min It reminds Abby of going from your 20s to your 30s. The Best pop culture reference is the roller coaster Taylor Swift has been on. She may not always be healthy, but she’s being honest about her growth. 24:30 min If we’re being honest about our growth, as we grow older we ask better questions. Social media makes us feel like we have more friends than we really do. 25:10 min Abby recalls an old friend who told her, “You should post more on social media.” And Abby told her, “No, but we could talk right now.” 26:00 min Abby says, “My relationships are stronger because I have fewer friends that matter.” 26:20 min We’re all in a social media addiction. If you want to stay isolated and alone, stay on instagram. 27:18 min The apple image of “how much of real life are we living on the internet ?” The best parts of my life are what I’m not taking pictures of. The memories are more powerful. Someone the best pictures are not the best nights. It becomes the smoke screen. 29:00 min If you think you’re crazy, you probably are.. and how to get over the crazy in love part. Getting over the highs and lows. 30:00 min Abby talks about the expectations on women, on how to show up, the communication is important. 30:10 min Abby’s shares a story of her step mom and the expectations she put on her self. Abby got her master’s but she doesn’t know how to cook. Her husband Lee said, “It’s cool I don’t really want to date my mom, so no thank you.” Turns out Lee is a way better cook than abby. 31:25 min Abby mentions there’s the stories we tell ourselves and the things we think we had to be, but then when you talk about it with your partner, it’s not a thing. If you continued to stay in the story? Thats the trap we get into 32:05 min The best dinner Abby and Lee had was when they didn’t go grocery shopping and they eat an entire pound of bacon and a bottle of wine. 32:30 min There was another time when Abby tried to cook twice baked potatoes and sliced her finger. That was a pressure Abby put on herself that was unnecessary to define the relationship. 33:00 min Aaron asks Abby, “What was the most foundational conversation that set the course for how your relationship was going to go?” Many people get into high expectations where they don’t show up as their real selves. The kind of conversation that says “oh cool, we’re on the same page” without putting awkward expectation and pressure on each other. 34:05 min Abby was in a rough relationships. She had a guy tell her she was a total mess. He told her she had to fix herself. Abby was really up front with Lee. 35:30 min Lee said, “I’m actually interested in who you are now.” I’m not interested in you withholding what your struggling with. All of those things make you who you are. And I’m also interested in know you after. Aaron says, “He gave you the drink of water that you needed.” 36:08 min Aaron Narrates You know I love Abby and Lee’s story. A lot of times we get into relationships and we’re not honest with ourselves and where we’re at. We don’t start with a solid trusting relationship. And then we wonder why a couple months later, a year later, several years later, a divorce later, why it didn’t work… I believe that when we are honest with ourselves, we are so much more honest with everybody else. And then we can choose from there what’s best for us. But we need to tell our own truth first. That way we’re not trying to get our partner to do something for us that is really not apart of who there. And we’re not giving each other complexes or unrealistic expectations. 37:10 min Aaron says to Abby, “What that other guy said to you could have been healthy or unhealthy. What was your intuition in that moment? How did you know that was healthy or unhealthy? Was it a projection?” 37:30 min Abby says its good to work on yourself sometimes. But she had a lot of shame. She was healing. He almost gave Abby a “problem” complex. 38:30 min Lee said, “You are amazing as you are, and its not a problem for me that you’ve been hurt. I want to know all of you, so I can love you better.” 38:80 min Other dude had high expectations and put them back on Abby. He made Abby his problem. On the other hand, Lee was the first sign of team work. 39:45 min Abby says, “What was amazing was there wasn’t this emotional pressure.” Lee said, “Lets just be ourselves and see where it leads.” The other guy made it seem like Abby was undateable. 40:20 min Lee was healthy. It was a tone of, “I want to date you and I’m cool with however that looks right now.” 40:40 min The foundation of Lee and Abby’s relationship was based on, “let’s put everything out on the table.” They already knew each other. It was like they were word vomiting. 41:00 min The other dude made it seem like Abby had a disclaimer. Lee made it safe. They were long distance. At that point Abby was a career girl. She felt free to be herself. She needed to know that she was free to live and follow her dreams. 42:00 min Our culture is trying to dictate who we are through a narrative. You got to show up and feel like you’re your authentic self. Your partner need to let you be your true self. That’s true for both guys and girls. 42:50 min Abby was the bread winner for a while. Lee felt pressured to be in some professional role. Abby had career as an OT. Abby told Lee he didn’t have to be in some traditional role. 43:46 min Abby talks about a lot of men, especially creative, entrepreneur types that feel a lot of pressure about being the provider. 44:35 min It’s changing your perspective into the love filter. You could see this as a good or bad thing, but we are always attracted to our equal and opposite matches. The fear filter might be “ oh no I might loose myself.” Or, They could highlight and support the other person’s strength in the relationship. 45:08 min When you’re in love. It’s a together thing. we think about the whole as much as the parts. The only way to do that successfully is to shut out the fear and expectations, especially the cultural pressure and judgements. You have to be able to say the truth even if its’ painful. Get it all out there so you can move forward. Any says that Lee and her aren’t perfect, but its been six years and its the best. 46:25 min Aaron starts to wrap up with mentioning pop culture, love addiction, and the messages we tell ourselves. Aaron was told that you are good or bad, but he states that its really about being healthy or unhealthy. 47:04 min Aaron says that when it comes down to boundaries, if you can get present and ask, ”Is what I’m about to say to my partner going to be helpful or harmful?” 47:16 min Abby mentions asking yourself, “What are your baseline beliefs about yourself and there other person? Do you believe that your partner has your best interest?” 47:48 min Watch the stories. Watch your self projection. Check your pop culture references. Your music. Your movies. Don’t make a playlist of sad bastard, make a playlist of self empowerment and confidence. Make it about loving yourself and other people. 48:20 min Aaron’s Closing Remarks Thank you so much for tuning into the Kind of Love Podcast. Maybe you found some truth in this episode. Maybe you’re in an awesome partnership. Go you! You are winning at love, life, and relationships. Or, maybe you’re someone who’s struggling right now in your relationships, or you’re confused. I was confused for a long time and I get that. Start telling yourself the truth. Be honest with yourself first. Then you have the opportunity to create an awesome relationship with whomever comes your way. The music on this podcast is always provided by Soundstripe Music. Soundstripe is great if you create a lot of content and you need music to put the right mood to your video or podcast. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get a 10% Discount Off of a year of Unlimited Music at Soundstripe. Thanks for listening to The Kind of Love Podcast. I’m Aaron, Your Coach. Best of Love to You!

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In part 1 of 2 episodes, Aaron and his friend Abby talk about Aaron quitting a love addiction and what it means to actually have true love, choose someone, and be in a romantic partnership. What’s the message pop culture is telling you? 1:15 min Aaron Narrates

Welcome back to the kind of love podcast. I’m your love coach Aaron. What are we telling ourselves in our love story? What are you telling yourself in your love story?

When I first worked with my coach, she told me to change the station. Our mind actually works in story form. And we play out the same thoughts on a daily bases. And if we really want something to shift and change in our life, like our love story. We really have to change or thoughts about things.

I don’t know if you’ve ever met someone who has a story loop, they call it a feedback loop in your head that keeps playing over and over again. The person keeps talking about the same thing. You offer them advice. And then you go a little go a little crazy because they keep talking about the same thing. Well I was that person for a little while. And it wasn’t until the moment when I was trying to rethink and change myself. This was a defining moment with my new friend Abby, who I call an emotional guide, because she came in and offered me a gift of this song that really helped me see clearer in that story loop.

They say the first stage of grief is denial. And when someone in your life dies, its hard to accept that they are gone. And when your relationship passes on sometimes you become in denial that its really over. You make excuses and you talk about things over again like thats going to change something. It doesn’t change anything. You just need to snap out of it.

Well this profane rap song by Big Sean that we talk about, actually helped me snap out of the story loop that I was in.

I want to clarify, because this song is so polarizing. You could almost misinterpret my reaction as me flicking off my ex and telling her to screw off. But it wasn’t really about that, it was about me creating a boundary. And that boundary was the first rock across the river of awareness and stepping into true love that I needed.

We can only change what we are aware of. I had to realize that I wasn’t loving myself by being in a love addiction. I needed to become healthy. I needed to stop giving my power away to somebody else. So thats the truth that I saw in this song that we’ll talk about. I have nothing but kindness and respect for my Ex’s, but I also needed to grow up.

So what radio station are you playing in your head. What story loop are you on? What frequency are you tuned into? And if for some reason your offended by cursing maybe wear some ear muffs, because this is what snapped me out of the sinking hole of misery that I was in.

The Conversation

4:25 min

It all started when Abby and Aaron first met and she told Aaron, “I feel your pain right now and I’m going to play you a song. Stop everything! This is what you need in your life right now.” They ran into each other years later and Aaron told Abby that Big Sean’s “I Don’t F*ck with you, changed his life.”

6:20 min

Abby and Aaron talk about how bazarre the song is. Aaron talks about how he’s an adult and sometimes he says the “F” word.

7:20 min

Aaron says the f word when it makes sense. He talks about how cursing can sometimes be an emotional release. You can’t suppress things in the body, you’re eventually going to explode. Yelling out can be cathartic.

8:25 min

Back to the song. Aaron listens to the song and his mind explosions. It snaps him out of his love trance. Aaron says, “That’s the thing I needed to hear!” Abby talks about how Aaron was being too nice and it was hurting him. Aaron was giving his Ex the benefit of the doubt, too much. Abby says that Aaron needed to put up a boundary.

10:00 min

Aaron hadn’t forgiven himself. Aaron almost gave her to much credit. He was in a victim mentality, and thats how he stayed stuck.

10:20 min

Abby says, “You put the blame on yourself.” We take that on because we want to justify why we dated someone.

10:50 min

Aaron released it takes two to tango. Your relationship is always a dance. This girl just needs attention, and for women sometimes needing attention becomes the love addiction. Abby mentions Charlie Poofs “You just want my attention, you don’t ant my heart. “

11:55 min

So even though the song is ridiculous. Aaron wouldn’t call her up and tell her she’s a stupid ass bitch. But there was some truth that Aaron needed to hear and stop playing her game. Abby says “You needed the frame of reference shift.”

12:35 min Aaron Narrate

This really shows how “stuck” I was. I was in the “stuckness” of blaming myself. It became apart of the addiction. And my smallness complex just kept me playing small. But I was tuned into the wrong channel. The wrong radio station was playing. I needed to reframe and shift what I was telling myself.

13:10 min

Aaron and Abby don’t get how big Sean’s creative process works. What was Big Sean thinking when he wrote that song?

13:50 min

Aaron would love for John Cusack and Jim from Jimmy Eat World to be on the podcast. They have also been emotional guides in his love story.

It comes down to the messages that we are telling ourselves. When Aaron met Abby, she gave him the truth love bomb he needed.

15:30 min

Aaron clarifies that he doesn’t hate his ex girlfriend. Its all in observant love. This was a self acknowledgement. It wasn’t about her it was about Aaron.

16:00 Aaron now sees all of his relationships as a gift. If something offends him, that trigger or behavior can teach him more about himself.

16:30 min

Abby notes that Aaron and his “nice guy” feedback loop is similar to girls who get into a feedback loop of an attention game. And it gives the girl who’s just looking for attention a validation to keep doing it.

17:00 min

Abby talks about boundaries. They are often misunderstood as a sign of unkindness or that the person is being mean. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries.

17:30 min

Aaron comments back that the addiction then becomes “I need approval from other people.” Abby seconds that with, “We’re not saying she’s a F*cking Bitch. What we’re saying is that you needed to hear this song to get out of the loop.” Aaron needed to be clear about his boundaries.

18:00 min

Abby thinks sometimes people try to be manipulative about boundaries and they say things like “You’re hurting me.” But thats not true. Boundaries are good for both parties. And Aaron really needed one.

18:05 min

Aaron shares his panick attack story. Aaron didn’t know what to do. Aaron had separation anxiety. Aaron was quitting the relationship and going with withdrawals. He invited his ex over and it calmed him down. They didn’t make it about getting back together.

20:10 min

Aaron learned to set boundaries, and stop reaching out to her. I’m ok. Be a mini buddha. You need to fall in love with yourself and be ok with myself, cut the neediness

21:00 min

Abby talks about the difference between wanting to be in a relationship because you can’t be alone, and actually wanting to be someone.

21:40 The withdrawal period is like quitting smoking. Aaron had lost some of his identity and a way of defining himself. Abby mentions that you also loose biological responses withdrawing from a relationship.

22:25 min Aaron Narrate

Love addiction is the biggest thing that I overcame. One friend told me, ”Hey man it’s like you want to go on a diet but you keep going back to the same restaurant that serves pizza, and other bad foods. “ Because I just needed that fix for a while. When I quite smoking, I also quit my ex-girlfriend. And to clarify, it was that I quit my attachment to her. I really overcame needing somebody.

It’s this neediness in relationships that we get so attached to that person that we don’t know who we are anymore without that person. Thats what you would describe as co-dependency.

But when you think about it in terms of attachment, you really start to separate yourself in a healthy way. Whats me? What am I responsible for? What are they responsible? What am I creating in the in-between space?

So the practice of non-attachment becomes “I love you. I’m into you. And I really like being around you. But I don’t necessarily HAVE to have you to be ok with myself.” And thats where true self-love comes back in.

23:45 min

We’ve all broken up with someone and called them back, right? You know, call them, text them, write letters, or maybe you’ve been like Aaron and written sad bastard songs.

23:30 min

You can listen to pop culture and be empowered or you can have unrealistic expectation. Abby Listened to RomComs and thought the guy was going to show up on her door step. As a woman I had expectation on how love was suppose to go.

25:55 min

Abby sent the love letter. She thought grand gestures were important, but that doesn’t always work. Be consistent, and be honest in a relationship. Not just expect someone is going to show up for you based on one gesture.

25:30 min

Abby adds that in her marriage now, she has to say what she needs. And she has to ask for honest. Her husband had to tell her that she needed to share how she felt. He can’t anticipate all your needs. 27:20 min

Abby and her husband were long distance. You have to really choose the other person when you are in a long distant relationship.

27:45 min

There are two things Aaron wants to be clear on when he knows its not just a fling. He says, “ One, I want to see you naked at some point, and also I want to see you the next day.” Because then you start to decide to choose that person today, and then choose them tomorrow. And then choose them the day after that and so on…

28:20 Abby says that if you’re honest, all the assumptions and weird expectations are cut out. Either its happening or it’s not. Aaron mentions there’s endorphins that go off when you are honest and direct.

29:00 If your’e wondering “What should I text him?” Exactly what you just said out loud and were honest about. Be your authentic self.

29:55 min

Aaron thought a date was cute, but she said “actually I wasn’t feeling it” Aaron said. God bless you. IT was like a splash a water in the face.

30:30 min

Aaron has worked on not filling in the gap with text messaging. It’s like what Aziz Ansari said, “what did you put your phone in a locker and go ride a roller coaster ?”

31:30 min

If she never messaged Aaron back, Aaron would have said, “Hey I was really interested, are you open to going out again?” In the past Aaron would have stayed silent and beat himself up, or did another move to get her attention which would have sucked.

32:45 min

Aaron says, “ I could have gone into needy behavior. But instead, now I’m good on my own. I don’t really need this girl.”

33:10 min Aaron Narrates

So this is why I think intentional dating is so important. Intentional dating turns into an intentional relationship. You’re choosing that person, but first you have to choose yourself. You have to choose who you are. Ground yourself in who you know you are, and who you know you want to be with.

Because I think we get into relationships and the love looks more like trading than giving. What do I mean by that? You get into relationships and after the honeymoon phase is over it becomes a trade. You do this thing for me and I’ll do this thing for you. And then there becomes a stage of keeping score. Instead of freely giving who you already are. And feeling like you are who you are in the relationship.

When you start to give away parts of yourself, because someone’s trying to get that from you, instead of freely give and receive. Thats when things go downhill. So ground yourself in your intention of who you want to be in the relationship.

And always check in with that. Let that be a compass. for who you are. You’ll never loose yourself. You’ll always be in the love story that you actually want to be in.

34:30 min

Abby used to be afraid of hearing a “no” in a relationship, but now sees that there is a lot of power in a “no”. People are afraid to say a yes or a no. Aaron compares dating to Netflix searching. “I’m five minutes in and this episode sucks. What about the next one?” Or maybe you get to the climax but your scared of the ending so you bounce.

33:45 min

The stories we get into.. “if I saw her walking down the street, I would have judged her differently, but then I got in a conversation with her, and wished I would have ask her out.”

35:15 min

We have so much comparison. It’s easy to make a snap shot judgement. Not do anything about it, or let go of your judgements and be open to possibilities. Not everyone see dating that way. Most people are no thank you, next song.

37:40 min

Aaron states that true love can be hard, its easy to swipe left and swipe right and play into the physiology of dating apps. Aaron feels exhausted on dating apps.

38:40 min

It’s easy to type cast someone. But we are kind of all ignorant on whats good for us until we ask ourselves.

39:15 min

At one point Aaron had two ex girlfriends texting him at the same time. A friend said to him, it seems like you date girls with low emotional IQ. Abby tells Aaron that you want to hold out for people that are on the same level as you, someone thats going to be a sounding bored. Someone thats going to work on things together.

40:50 min

Aaron came from a divorced family and had a hard time seeing until much later that a relationship can actually be a team.

41:40 Aaron Narrates

HA ! You can actually have fun in a relationship!

Thats interesting. Synergy. Connection. Love. That’s possible. I guess it’s all defined by what frame you’re looking through. What channel you’re on.

Stay tuned for the next episode. Abby and I openly talk about being a team in a relationship, and the dynamic her and her husband have. How she brought some misconceptions and false beliefs into her story. How they weren’t true. And how her and her husband overcame those things.

Thank you so much for listening to this conversation about love on The Kind of Love Podcast. If you dig the music and you want to listen to this shameless promotion. You can go to TheKindofLove.com/promo and get a 10% Discount Off a full year of unlimited licensed music at Soundstripe for.. the films you create, for the youtube videos you create, for the instagram videos you create, for the podcast you create, for the DIY at home “I love you mom” on her birthday kind of videos that you make.

I had to throw something in there about love.

Thanks for listening.

This is your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love to you !

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Listeners are wondering why Aaron says the word “Story” so much on this podcast. This is an episode dedicated to explaining what “You’re always telling yourself a story” actually means. Aaron addresses the way we think and feel, and how that changes the way we go into all of our experiences. It’s a thing behind the thing, kind of a thing.

:25 min

Welcome back. This a solo episode where Aaron shares some ideas around love. “Love bites” you might say. Through research, therapy, and working with coached Aaron discovered that you are always telling yourself a story. This is an entire episode explain what Aaron means when he says “Story, or thats just story you’ve been telling yourself.”

1:30 min

Aaron describes how he told himself a story for a long time. He chased perfectionism. And he had a hard time forgiving himself. He told himself for many years and in all of his relationships that “I’m just not good enough, or its just not going to be good enough.” But the truth he found was that perfection is an illusion. You can only make things good, great, and really great.

3:05 min

Think of this episode like Aaron unpacking the Russian doll of the human condition. The big doll is our experiences and behaviors. The last doll is our core beliefs and core sense of self. It’s like we see all of our experiences through the lens of the past traumatizing or big emotional experiences. And we bring a fear filter into all our experiences. It’s like having fear goggles on, instead of love frames.

4:35 min

I’m always telling stories. You’re always telling stories, We are always telling ourselves something. We bring our thoughts and our feelings into every experience. Like going to a restaurant and afterwards talking about how the chicken you had wasn’t as good as another place you’ve been too. We are telling a story to a friend or to ourselves. We wake up telling a narrative, then we go to work. When we get home we tell a story of how our day went.

6:35 min

The question is what do you believe about yourself in that story? What was your take away? And how did that make you feel? The guy that flicked you off on the road, was that about you or about him? Aaron believe’s it’s always about you. You are the main character in all of your stories. So how did that story make you feel?

6:50 min

There’s a quote Ghandi says about being mindful of your thoughts. We are walking thinking breathing self fulfilling prophecies. Thoughts determine words. What we say determine our actions. Our actions turn into habits. And habits determine our values and beliefs. Our beliefs determine our destiny.

8:25 min

We also believe with our emotions. Its about asking what do I feel right now? What is this story that I’m telling myself right now? We think in story loop. We find what we want to believe in that story based upon our emotional reaction. We store those events in our core memory. And those core memories or core stories really speak what are belief is about every situation we go into.

9:45 min

The practice then becomes being observant of what we are telling ourselves. And that points to what we believe about ourselves. We are the main character in all of our stories.

If you’re leaving an event, what are you telling yourself afterwards.Were you excited? Did you feel bad? Did you feel alone? Did it feel like a success ? Theres many different versions of the stories we tell ourselves.

How often do you find yourself repeating these stories?

Was it just one really bad incident and everything else becomes a reminder of that story?

11:45 min

We really are the main character or common denominator in all our stories. What are you telling yourself and what does that say about you? What do you believe about that situation? If you continue to think and feel that way you’ll continue to find evidence to support that story. We are always looking for whats in it for us. Thats how we survive and thrive.

13:15 min

For example, if you said “ My partner just never appreciates me.” Thats a belief from an outcome that happened once, and you continue to attach yourself to that story. We try to find where that shows up again. We are always just pulling from our past.

13:50 min

What is the story you want to tell yourself? Do you want to keep believing things that don’t serve you? Be honest with yourself. Is that what you want? If it is, keep telling yourself that. If it isn’t, then stop telling yourself that story. Thats what I came to know. If I kept living and telling a story of regret over and over, I’ll continue you receive regret.

15:00 min

When we continue to repeat those stories they begin to become part of our destiny. And if you want a different experience, start telling yourself a different story. Start telling a story you do want. Literally imagine something different. Reframe your internal dialogue. If you have a painful past you’ll keep talking about that, until you decide to change and heal. This is where the emotional work comes in.

16:10 min

Our emotional wounds are like our external wounds, except they’re harder to see. But in the same way, if we don’t slow down, and we keep agitating the wound, reminding ourselves of that wound, it won’t have a chance to heal. The physical pain may have healed even, but its hard for us to get back on that bike so to speak.

17:00 min

Maybe we had a tough childhood. A lot of pain can come from childhood memories. Some people that had abusive childhoods find abusive partners or have a lot of self-abuse. There’s a connection there. You get the painful story that you keep telling yourself.

Tell your brain something different. Tell your heart something different. Rethink, Reframe, reimagine, and then you’ll experience something different.

18:45 min

Have you been telling yourself some stories? Have you struggled with something in life and found yourself repeating a narrative ? If so, what are those things you’ve been saying over and over again? Whats the feeling behind that story? Where do you want to go? What do you want to start telling yourself from now on?

19:25

Thanks for listening to this solo episode. I hope everything I’ve learned can help and guide you to think and choose for yourself, what kind of story you want to be in. Who you want to love and whats the kind of love you want to create in all your relationships.

19:10 min

And a nod to our sponsors Soundstripe Music. If you need a lot of music for your video or podcast creations, you can go to thekindoflove.com/prome and get 10% Off a year subscription to unlimited music. You can use the music to elevate your story.

Thanks for listening.

I’m your Coach, Aaron.

Best of Love to you!

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Aaron dates the girl he thought was the one, but it just didn’t work out. He ends up breaking up with someone he didn’t want to break up with. Aaron became fully aware there was a pattern he had, an internal core belief causing the frustration in his relationship. He had to let go and move forward.

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One nice girl, one mean girl, and some other funny ones. Aaron has to go through a tough relationship to realize he’s worth way more.

1:31 min - Aaron Narrates

Did you have those relationships where you look back and realize, man I was a real turd? “I did not make great decisions.” I had to really look back and ask, “Why was I drawn to someone that treated me like I was worthless? Why didn’t I listen to my friend? Why did I have the blinders on? What’s the deal Aaron? Come on man. “

You know when someone is wrong for you when you completely loose yourself over them. You compromise yourself, your identity, for them. And you don’t even listen to your close friends that care about you.

In this episode we talk about some weird stories and I how I came to more awareness about myself.

2:30 min - Josh was an instigator. He told Aaron to kiss this girl. At this point josh becomes more of a close friend than a mentor. Aaron did it and it worked.

4:25 Josh told Aaron, you just need to go make out with that girl and tell her “Josh Hernandez told me to do this” and then kiss her. It worked.

5:20 min - Aaron goes to Seatle to record with a band. She was kind of a fan of the band Aaron was playing for and Aaron wasn’t really that into it.

5:50 min Josh‘s dad said, what’s wrong with you guys? where’s all your girlfriends? Thats the one shred of information that helped Josh.

7:10 min - Josh isn’t a relationship guru. Josh and his wife are a success story. No one told Aaron he should just date. He had to figure it out for himself

7:30 min - Our brains are detectives to find the story that supports their belief. “I have to find the one” or “relationships don’t work out for me.” The stories that are fear based and wounded beliefs.

8:30 min - Josh had to encourage Aaron. Sarah was the first chance at simply dating without a ton of pressure. Could’ve of been the love Aaron wanted.

9:35 min - It was the kindness that Aaron wanted. Instead, Aaron was attracting girls that put him down.

10:00 min- Jump to Nashville. Josh and Aaron were roommates. There was the girls that they had funny names for them. The names always connects with why Aaron can’t see himself liking them. Josh would say, “Why don’t you like her?” Aaron had weird quirks. This girl, Aaron said she had a funny face, but Josh said “It’s a funny face photo”, like the kind of photo where everyone intentionally makes a funny face. So they nicknamed her “Funny Face Photo.”

13:00 min - Aaron had some hang ups. Aaron was still struggling to simply date. Aaron was just scared to date someone. “Its not the one.” So Aaron would

13:40 min - Then there was the girl “Sleepy time”, she was more into Aaron than Aaron was into her. Aaron

14:40 min - Aaron Narrates

Josh was a really good observer of my past dating life… if you want to call it that. His instigation was a good challenge for me. I really had to step into my fear. Now when I hear these stories I look and see that I was creating hang ups and making excuses for these really cool girls that you could’ve dated. So now when I hear excuses I see limitations, and when I see limitations I smell fear. Fear creates limitations for yourself and says to you “ I can’t do that. It’s not going to work out. “ I think that was a big unconscious story going on for me. That belief was based on a fear because I had a lot of evidence in my childhood that relationships don’t work. They’re messy. People can’t be on the same script. So I had that fear and story going on for me. It was hard for me to see a relationships work out. What does a successful relationship look like? I didn’t know at the time. Now I know if I keep holding onto that belief that relationships don’t work out, I’m going to keep receiving that. I’m going to keep getting that. I’m going to keep creating that in my life. Instead of changing my perspective, reframing it, and see that relationships can work out. You can going out with someone and just have a good time. And not make anything else out of it.

16:40 min - Aaron’s first real girlfriend in Nashville. “Amanda” Unconsciously Aaron was thinking ”that girl looks miserable I should go over there and talk to her” It was like Aaron went back in time.

17:30 min - Amanda was a miserable person. She lived with the cold shoulder. Aaron was also in the dark ages. The winter of Aaron’s discontent. She sucked for Aaron.

18:10 min - Josh explains that this was a hard relationship for their friendship. Josh didn’t like the way she treated Aaron. But they were almost not friends.

19:00 min - Josh expressed his opinion as if Aaron and him are brothers . He said to Aaron, “You shouldn’t date that girl.”

20:00 min - Josh calls Aaron’s ex out at a bar. Aaron left the table. Aaron’s Ex said to Josh with a dead pan, ”I know that you don’t like me.” Josh said back, “I’ve know Aaron for a long time. He’s a good person. I just want him to be with someone who is as good as he is.”

22:00 min - Josh explains how Amanda made Aaron feel worthless. But Aaron had a role to play in that. The unconscious story of someone needing to punish Aaron. Josh says, “She was just mean man! I didn’t understand if you liked someone why you would be that mean.”

24:30 min - It was like Aaron went back in time and dated someone mean and young, like a young teenager. Aaron describes her as a young bulldozing firecracker of meanness.

24:50 min - In fairness, Josh mentions that there was probably something that happen to Amanda that lead her that place. And also there were things that lead Aaron to that place to be treated that way.

25:00 min - Aaron Narrates

In this story with Amanda, it really shows me that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. I really bring into the relationship what I want and what I see. Usually we are basing that on our past. We recreate the future with the knowledge that we have of our past.

Why would I get back into a relationship where someone was giving me the cold shoulder, mean, unkind, and kind of upstaged anybody else that had been mean to me?

Why would I do that? A belief system. A false belief about myself. Josh said it when he said, She made me feel like I was worthless. It was like I allowed that. I gave her consent to make me feel worthless. And that was a smallness complex.

What Josh said to me fell on deaf ears. He was trying to help me. He wasn’t trying to control the situation. He was just being honest. But I had to suffer some more. I had blinders on. I think we can take the blinders off. I think we can not deny ourselves who we really are. But I had to waste more time and be in a relationship with someone that didn’t see me for who I really am. And didn’t treat me that way.

But now I have the choice. Now I’ve empowered myself to be in a relationship who simply loves me for who I am.

And if you’re struggling with this, it comes from a common denominator belief about yourself. And when you change what you believe about yourself, when you change that story, you start showing up differently and attracting the people that you want to have in your life. That’s holding true self-love.

27:05 min - josh says that he couldn’t understand why Aaron would do that, but it was just something Aaron had to go through. Aaron played the victim. They met at a coffee shop to talk it out. Aaron tried to put it on Josh. Aaron said, “ I don’t think you want me to be happy.” Which was a projection. Josh said back, “She isn’t nice to you. If you want to date her that’s fine, but don’t tell me I don’t want you to be happy.” Josh wanted Aaron to be happy, and there’s no way she’s making Aaron happy.

29:15 min - Aaron had to teach himself. He felt the need to suffer. There wasn’t anything conscious going. Aaron thought he could save her. Aaron played the hero therapist boyfriend complex and tried to fix Amanda.

30:05 min - To be clear Aaron explains that you can’t fix anyone. You can’t save anyone they have to save themselves. You can’t control anyone. You can’t make your partner happy, they have to make themselves happy. If you are happy on your own, you come together and if they’re happy thats just a plus.

30:30 min- Josh’s friends advice. “You know it’s right when the compromises you make are small.” You’re not changing your values. You’re not changing your beliefs. It’s a little selfish to change the core of who you are. You’re not changing your values.

34:35 min- Josh’s advice fell on deaf ears for Aaron. Aaron was trapped in a dark age. Josh calls Aaron’s brother and tells him Aaron’s girlfriend sucked.

35:50 min - We go into our relationships with our own set of eyes. And if we’re not clear, its not the kind of love we want.

36:40 min - the dynamic didn’t work. Aaron was in a dark time. What they brought to the table wasn’t the right ingredients.

37:05 min -Aaron compares it to High Fidelity. Part of Aarons life is lived out by John Cusack movies.

38:00 min - Aaron’s love story was like Forrest and Jenny. Aaron had the savior complex. A lot of guys have the savior complex.

38:40 min - Amanda ended pourly, but then a girl came in that was pretty cool and Aaron loved her a lot. To be continued…

39:00 Aaron’s Recap

You can see how the story kept playing out for me. I either ran and hid from possible girls, or I walked straight into a story of misery. But I love what Josh said about not compromising the small things. You shouldn’t have to change for someone one. In fact now I believe you should feel and be your truest self. Your partner should actually be a team player and encourage you in who you are. They should add to your relationship not take away. They should reflect back and highlight the best parts of you, not make you smaller for their benefit. This is Childs play.

If I may point out a red flag here. Whenever your friends who care about you are telling you something, it might be helpful to listen. Also, when you just feel like you can’t be yourself.. also listen careful at the conversations going on. You should never have to change for someone. And if you want to change, do it for yourself. Don’t try to be the hero.

How we see ourselves in the relationship is so important. Empower yourself with choice. Choose to be the best version of yourself, THEN you will attract the kind of person that values the same things as you do.

On the Next Episode we’ll be talking about a relationship that unfortunately just didn’t work out. And, how I sabotaged it a little bit by continuing to break up and get back together again over and over. And it’s as confusing and as much as a love conundrum as it sounds.

But it was another stepping stone across the sometimes confusing river that I had to cross and then become aware of the love story that I now want to create.

I’d like to thank Soundstripe for sponsoring. They are a great source for music that adds the finishing touch to your content.

Go to thekindoflove.com/promo and get 10% OFF to a year subscription of unlimited music at Soundstripe.

Keep creating content, but mainly keep creating the love experiences you want to have.

I’m your Coach Aaron.

Best of Love To You

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From Aaron caring about what she looks like, to having a savior complex, and then getting passed trying to find “the one”.

On this first Episode we are going to be unpacking some stories of mine that are what I like to call a weird haunted past. And, How I came to a greater awareness in love. How I had to shift and reframe my now love story.

And to help me do that I’ve invited my good friend, Josh Hernandez. He has been a long time friend, a buddy, at one time a church mentor. He’s known me since I’v been dating. He’s been a constant in my life. Welcome Josh Hernandez, and some weird stuff about me.

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When we're motivated by love rather than fear the story begins to shift and change.

This is a shout out to anyone who's struggled in toxic relationships or had self-sabotaging behaviors that have led them to the love they DON'T want.

Join Aaron in the journey of deconstructing love, then reframing and reimagining the love that you DO want.

The Kind of Love: Recent Episodes

Aaron Tosti