Coffee with The Couple Cure: Recent Episodes
Jay & Lori Pyatt
Practical Tips to help your relationship, by the time you finish your first cup–with Relationship Mentors, Jay and Lori Pyatt
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ISRC: USUAN2300004
re looking for.#betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #rebuildingtrust #christianmarriage #mensmentalhealth
re looking for.#betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #rebuildingtrust #christianmarriage #addictionrecovery
re looking for.#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #ShameRaincoat #BetrayedWife #MarriageRecovery #BrokenTrust #RecoveryJourney #EmotionalIntimacy #RelationalStorms #StormReadyMen #MensMentalHealth #HusbandRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal
re looking for.#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #ShameRaincoat #BetrayedWife #MarriageRecovery #BrokenTrust #RecoveryJourney #EmotionalIntimacy #RelationalStorms #StormReadyMen #MensMentalHealth #HusbandRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #shame#guilt #guilty
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice#marriagerecovery #pornaddictionhelp #healingrelationships
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice#spiritualbypassing #recoverytools #copingmechanisms
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #narcissisticabuse #gaslighting #toxicrelationships #marriagehealing #trustissues #emotionalabuse #christianmarriage #deception #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #betrayedwife
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #BetrayalTrauma#HealingTrust#PornAddiction#MarriageAdvice#Confession
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #rockbottom #truth #healing #soberlife #addiction#marriagehelp#liedtoher #pornrecovery #breakthestigma
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #intimacyafterbetrayal#emotionalintimacy #rebuildingtrust #vulnerabilityheals#relationshiphealing
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #PornAddictionRecovery#IntimacyAfterPorn#RewiringTheBrain#MenAndIntimacy#SobrietyJourney
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
) - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww--Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #tellingthetruth
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In this episode, we discuss why you might feel the need to bring up past betrayals even years later. We explore what it means if you can’t stop talking about it. Plus, we offer advice for the guys on how to have these difficult conversations, and give you alternative options if your partner doesn’t want to talk about it. 00:00 Introduction00:16 It’s a sign03:23 When guys say, “But you forgave me!” (absolution)04:22 When to stop talking about it? (90% trust)05:18 Yes, keep talking, but… (one caveat) 06:23 Solutions: Three options if he won’t talk about it07:32 Friends/Family (Solution: how to find out if they’re safe)09:09 Guys: an option to BOLDLY face it all09:57 “I don’t want to talk about this right now… (or any more)” 10:34 Regarding bringing it up to your husband (deathbed listening) 12:26 One thing to keep in mind (short phrases, repeated back)13:07 Options for Guys (the car wreck)***15:29 Your Nobility (1 in 8 Billion)--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
(Trigger Warning for the Final Section) This heartfelt and candid video delves into a sensitive topic that some women struggle with: “Why do some husbands choose recovery while others do not. Is that about the wife… is that about me?” Prompted by a deeply vulnerable question from my client, MB, I explore various factors that might influence a man's decision to commit to recovery—coping mechanisms, risk and vulnerability, as well as the impact of past trauma—in an effort to help you put a few nagging, painful questions to rest. (But please note there is a Trigger Warning for the concluding segment which discusses sensitive topics like appearance.) Join me as we navigate these complex emotions and questions together.Timestamps00:00 Introduction and Question01:27 Trigger Warning (and where she was coming from)02:41 Addressing: What's Wrong with Me?03:06 If counselors had to guess between me and her04:06 Even if the wife was a ‘true monster’05:05 Coping mechanisms (“I’m the kind of guy who…”)05:47 Real relationship might feel too vulnerable to him07:32 Accolades are enough?07:55 “It seems so easy!” (and the issue of The Void) 10:17 Understanding men's desires12:14 “The steps aren’t hard” and that’s the unfortunate thing14:03 Being known as a guy who…14:28 Trigger Warning: The Looks Piece (it’s about him)--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Jay and Lori talk about the typical time it takes for an addict to readjust sources of dopamine, as well as why it can take longer… or shorter. Timestamps0:00 Intro & Question0:18 What the experts say0:36 Solution: What helps it end overnight1:13 When you should go longer --https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
In this short video, we answer to the question, “Do all strugglers relapse” as well as the top two things partners can do if the addict keeps relapsing. We’ll also share one of the first things addicts have to do in order to overcome porn.Timestamps0:00 Introduction and first question0:21 The first thing a guy has to do to quit porn0:37 Top 2 things a partner can do (and do they work?)1:24 Are our breathing techniques posted online (and why)2:11 What we do with our clients--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Join Jay and Lori Pyatt from The Couple Cure as they tackle two questions about screen addiction and boundaries for devices. In this short video, they discuss image addictions, strategies for effective accountability, and appropriate boundaries—including boundaries Jay holds himself to—as well as practical advice to help you navigate this challenging issue. Tune in to learn more about creating a balanced, tech-conscious home.The phone I use can be found here: Gabb PhoneUse this referral code, and I will get something too: 2698081437TIMESTAMPS00:00 Introduction and This Week's Question00:18 Understanding Image Addiction00:41 Strategies for Effective Accountability01:05 Appropriate Boundaries around Technology (Jay’s personal boundaries)02:03 Healthy Alternatives to Screen Time--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Struggling with tips that don’t help you HEAL? Maybe God has a unique plan for you, one that is key for long-lasting and UNBREAKABLE FREEDOM and JOY. Learn why your journey is different… and why that’s to your greatest ADVANTAGE. Watch to reveal this EXTRA-ordinary path. Timestamps:0:00 Welcome! Let’s get moving…0:47 Solution: A proven strategy for Trauma Healing0:59 Exploring the backstory (fun, deep and CREEPY)3:45 The first answer revealed (how to live)4:35 The Ultimate Answer revealed & The FIRST PATH5:44 The SECOND PATH: Going for it9:43 What sparks it? Understanding the trigger10:51 Faster Relief (from my journey to 4 key lessons)12:35 Can you relate? How to move forward--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #betrayaltrauma #betrayalrecovery#relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
This video offers a compassionate and practical approach to navigating an addicts relapse and lack of remorse, providing you with ways to foster healthier relationships. Join in and discover what JV does to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.Timestamps:0:00 Intro & Question1:33 Main Answer Explained2:55 First steps3:25 When intuition suggests success4:10 Rejecting this... (if he won't talk to you)4:57 A needed type of physical touch5:37 Steps for your toughest questions5:57 Do this with your love... (outside the dynamic)6:27 Expanding your world6:56 Her most important move (extremely well, despite him)7:35 When you feel distant from God...8:06 Motivating positive change (this isolation)9:28 Sparking change in addicts (it doesn't have to mean...)11:16 Increase this healthy action11:40 More intimacy for a s-x addict?12:23 An alternative for lasting peace--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
If someone in your life says THEY CAN’T HELP HOW THEY ACT in relationship because of what happened to them in the past, we cover one way to tell, and offer a few solutions. Note: while this video is in response to someone’s question about their husband [after a CSAT said ‘disclosure would be a waste of time,’] the concepts can be used in your other relationships as well. Timestamps:0:00 Intro0:07 Question: Disclosure a WASTE OF TIME due to…? (“EMOTIONAL INVALID”)0:55 I explain EMPATHY Daily / I carry the load1:15 Answer on having to explain EMPATHY1:42 Solution: If counselor says DISCLOSURE is a waste of time2:05 Solution: HOW TO KNOW if his past trauma halts your healing3:00 Jay used past trauma to deflect (EMOTIONAL HIJACKING)3:24 The more he feels REAL FEELINGS…3:54 Answer regarding If he does have childhood trauma4:31 Solution & THE KEY SIGN for Lori--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Ever wonder if your relationship has (or if your relationships have) healed from the trauma you’ve experienced? Note that, while this video mainly talks about marital relationships, the concepts APPLY TO YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS as well. If a well-meaning but uninformed friend, family member, counselor or church didn’t understand what you were going through, we'll share some signs to know it might be safe to trust the relationship again. While this video is not a definitive list, it covers 15 signs we noticed in our own marriage, as well as things our clients exhibit as trust is rebuilt. Timestamps: 0:00 Introduction & Disclaimer0:40 (1) This thinking changes2:07 (2) “I’m gonna do this no matter what!”2:54 (3) Accepting he is an addict (and what Lori used to think)4:20 (4) Allies5:01 (5) When he appreciates… 5:46 (6) Triggers 7:21 (7) Treating you as an equal, not as…8:28 (8) His engagement in the relationship (not abdication, but also not…)9:45 When Jay elbowed his way into our spiritual life together10:08 Solution: Guys do this to help her heal10:32 (9) Taking your feedback11:24 (10) An early sign the relationship is healing—and the ‘her pain’ word picture that makes Lori cry13:56 (11) When bad conversations are rare because of this…15:32 (12) Recovering after bad conversations16:12 (13) Peace, here16:37 (14) He burned your life down, but… 17:27 (15) The ultimate thing that can give you peace in your relationship--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Disclaimer: You may have signs of healing that are not on this list. This list is not definitive; it’s just what we have seen in our work with betrayed partners of porn addicts / sex addicts.Ever wonder if you’ll know when you’ve healed from the trauma you’ve experienced? This video covers many signs Lori noticed in her own life, and that our clients exhibit as they recover as well. Timestamps: 0:00 Intro and Disclaimer (and what to expect)1:04 1-Your creativity will…3:05 2-Techniques that work for you3:35 3-Playing again4:36 4-Regarding the brain fog5:22 5-Problems with computers/phones 6:43 6-Regarding your household tasks7:31 7-When you sleep at night8:35 One thing that increases brain fog9:05 8-You and Grace10:01 9-When you say, “I matter”10:39 10-Happiness or manic-ness (I used to fake it)11:21 11-The smaller joys12:33 12-Your triggers12:44 13-New experiences (a client story)13:53 Your triggers, revisted16:01 14-Things that concerned you before…16:31 15-Getting excited about… (and our cat, Morgan)--https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Sometimes addicts answer with “I don’t know” to questions like, “when did it start?” “how often?” and “did you ever see ___?” And his not knowing can leave the betrayed partner feeling very skeptical. Is it possibly he really doesn’t remember? This video dives into that question.Timestamps:0:00 Intro0:07 Question: Do porn addicts really not remember some specifics?0:23 What one CSAT said (it IS possible)1:21 Jay’s memories1:44 When betrayed partners have to ask just the right question (openness)2:37 One caution to porn/sex addicts--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
Join us as we tackle what recovering addicts need to watch out for on the journey to sobriety. We’ll give practical tips for those in recovery such as avoiding triggers, the “why” behind choosing sobriety, as well as why YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. Because we include a couple of solutions (including an easy way to see if you’re edging) this video can help you increase your self-awareness and decrease your dependency, and also support your wife’s healing. Oh, and here is the link to the video we reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBrVb9T4Bxk)Timestamps0:00 Intro0:53 1-Sobriety does not heal relationships if... (& re-sensitization)4:11 2-Visual Sips / Solution: One second=look. Two seconds= …5:10 Solution: One easy way to see if you might be edging6:47 3-Doing this for someone else / then they "become the problem" to you8:01 4-"But no one can get free of this!" / when the little blue pill didn't work9:25 5-Groups where the leader isn't free / "I'm gonna stumble eventually" 11:17 6-Wanting her to celebrate right away / why she's still leery13:10 7-Two SIGNS you might be on the slippery slope 15:11 8-My wife can't give me that level of... / how Jay answers that now18:03 9-She should never be an ‘enemy’ to you / when she's treated as your equal19:44 Solution: Feel she is your enemy? / she helps with a goal of yours21:46 10-Impatience might be a sign that… / Solution: one of the first things you can do--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
What should you do if the addict keeps relapsing/betraying you–especially if your friends keep telling you to leave? Should you divorce? Should you stay? Can life get any better if he keeps relapsing and lying? We talk about this, while giving you 3 things to try. 0:00 Intro0:07 Question: My friends say I should leave my husband because he keeps relapsing–what do you think?0:26 Lori’s thoughts (what she told one friend)0:48 You can stay and have a really good life1:01 Solution 1: God / Viewing the relationship differently2:50 Narcotics Anonymous says it this way3:34 Relapse is not inevitable if…3:54 Solution 2: What makes recovery easier4:23 Solution 3: “Give back” to your wife versus to a group (and why)4:58 What Jay used to say about his relationship with God--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
In our work, we have seen some husband’s who have lied about their wives to the helping community–lying to pastors, counselors, family and friends–about her. Or the husband will diagnose her with a mental disorder of some sort. We address that topic, as well as what a partner can do, in this situation.0:00 Intro & Question0:34 When the husband thinks, “My apology should be enough!”0:50 One early professional opinion1:13 Solution for partners (and what the addict can do)2:16 The main goal of his helping community2:47 A probable truth about your husband3:07 Solution: One thing you can say to your husband3:43 Solution: Another thing you can say--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal#relationships#pornaddiction#marriageadvice
There are many things I wish I had known right after D-Day… things that would have helped me recover more quickly. In this video, I cover several of them, and Jay gives extra input from the addict-who’s-found-sobriety point of view. (Please note: We do not condone hitting your spouse. If this is happening, please reach out to your local shelters/authorities.)Timestamps:0:00 Intro0:23 Coming down hard on yourself regarding boundaries0:55 I’m in!!! I’m out!!! (what many guys do with this and one Solution)2:46 Solution: How to find safe people & safe counselors5:05 One way to keep from being blinded: Change your job description (Guys, nurse her back to health)8:16 Solution to “falling for lines”9:53 One clear sign Jay was taking his addiction recovery seriously10:22 Solution to “You’re being too sensitive!”11:16 Getting back at him / betraying yourself12:58 Some addicts think, “It’s a license to keep acting out”--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal#relationships#pornaddiction#marriageadvice
What caused Jay to take all of this more seriously (even if he felt attacked)? And what would cause Matt to say, “This is stupid!” We cover both of those here, in this LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)0:00 Intro0:19 Did Jay feel like doing those things when he felt unfairly attacked? 2:59 One Solution: Giving guidance vs “This is stupid” 4:11 Jay took it more seriously because he knew this… 4:52 One Solution: How we phrase it instead5:38 Steps Jay and Lori took6:35 One Solution: Shared experiences can be risky (so wives consider trying…)8:07 For the betrayed/traumatized regarding the “Right” way to do this * 8:26 What we tell couples10:03 Where to subscribe for next season--https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's websitehttps://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's websitehttps://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partnershttps://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery#betrayal #trauma #relationships #rebuildtrust #marriageadvice
Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:11 It doesn’t take much 1:06 What some guys resent 1:46 The counselor told Jay, “You can’t crank her up like a machine and expect…” 2:14 What Matt thought marriage would be like (dating) * 2:50 One Solution: If he had continued dating his wife 3:40 Being intentional about continuing to date each other * 4:00 How a “perceived lack of finances” can impact relationships 4:56 Solutions to a lack of finances while rebuilding trust * 7:02 $7 cheese and other trees 9:09 In the next episode: How to rebuild trust when you feel attacked
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) either * 2:37 One Solution: Share thoughts & feelings for connection 3:41 One Solution: Openness vs honesty to rebuild trust * 5:36 Matt’s lightbulb moment: “It meant we weren’t freaks” 7:36 Blind spots may be why good men harm relationships * 8:14 One Solution: One of the best things Lori did for Jay’s blind spots (NOTE: Lori only did this after she knew Jay wouldn’t use the information against her) 10:44 In the next episode: One thing some guys resent
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared? 1:29 One Solution: Face-to-face and Shoulder-to-shoulder * 4:03 From intense talks every night to resting * 6:27 The ‘majestic or shared’ question answered 8:05 One Solution: Porn use parallels the desire for human connection 8:42 In the next episode: One thing many guys hide
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
brokentrust
This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) * 1:46 Distraction due to trauma? (What many addicts do) 4:01 Lori to Jay: “You can’t sit still” 4:32 How to create something healthier 5:07 The doctor said, “Video games WILL affect his mood” 5:38 One Solution: How Jay replaced it with a bigger life * 8:28 It’s not as bright, but it is more valuable 8:47 Solution: Measuring the difference (Entertainment vs whales & trees) 10:58 Satisfaction compared to video games * 11:20 In the next episode: 2 ways to connect after broken trust
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:11 How video games affected our marriage 1:42 I couldn’t entertain him 2:55 One Solution: Watch out for dissociation * 5:45 Distracted by learning (but not applying) 7:37 Solutions: Some refreshing time is needed (when distractions help) * 8:53 How Jay helped Lori with video games, etc 10:10 In the next episode: Entertainment vs True Satisfaction
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships) 0:39 Stated Values vs Lived Values (“not demonizing those activities”) * 2:51 This can lead to even more broken trust 3:44 Stated values may be about our image 4:21 One Solution: Stated values is the goal vs. Craving the approval of others * 5;43 One Solution: How to name emotions 8:23 One Solution: One thing that would do wonders for relationships * 9:18 One Solution: A place guys can learn vulnerability, not faking it 11:12 Why Matt would “Say it all” now? Practice 11:40 “Thank goodness someone finally said it” vs “Not willing to go there” 12:47 In the next episode: Can video games actually help after broken trust?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it?
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:15 What Matt would have told Jay and Lori to do back then 1:24 One Solution: Where to draw the line between staying or going? * 4:22 One Solution: Support network (and being validated) * 5:54 The guy may eventually ‘get it,’ but if not… 7:24 Not advocating for divorce, but health * 8:28 "I am more important than my marriage" 9:44 In the next episode: 2 Values / 2 Other Addictions
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… * 3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies) 4:55 What if he’s not 'all in' * 8:39 "I had to start trusting that he would hurt me" 10:11 One Solution: A different way to "have more faith in people" 10:56 In the next episode: Should you stay or go?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line 2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser * 3:20 The hard word: Abuse (...and ADHD) 5:04 One Solution: A way to talk about abuse * 7:36 One Solution: The challenge with validating in this area 9:39 The impact of habitual porn use on empathy 11:23 Toxic, clueless or teachable? 12:40 In the next episode: What if he’s not all in?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
abuse
mistreatment
validation
empathy
Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?”
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:14 Are safety & trust the same? 0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust 1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust AND…… 2:47 Lori & Jay's take on safety & trust 5:17 "But I'm not trying to hurt her" (why men may be defensive about safety & trust) 7:45 What if the guy never changes? * 8:42 Solutions: What does safety look like (practically) when she can't trust him * 11:37 "If I (did this) I could take care of myself financially" 12:46 In the next episode: Mistreatment or even abuse, and what guys can do instead
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?”
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)
0:00 Intro 0:17 When he feels defensive, it helps to remember… / Secure Attachment 1:39 One Solution: Instead of "fixing it," try this... 3:46 Good people can be bad spouses (“Can you just care?”) * 5:54 “He may mean well, but he just doesn't get it” 6:36 One Solution: The word that may bring out the protector in guys 7:05 Learning & teachability (“That's not how relationships work”) * 8:43 “But porn is okay!” 9:43 In the next episode: “What if he never changes?”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
betrayal
relationships
pornaddiction
marriageadvice
How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:17 How agreeing (on the surface) can make things worse * 2:10 Not living in integrity 2:51 One Solution: Validation can always work * 3:36 "100% of the time: if Matt doesn't agree, he chooses himself over me" 6:14 Past events + current events suggest it will continue * 7:42 "I didn't try to hurt you, so stop attacking me" 8:54 One Solution: We invalidate just to have an interesting conversation (try this instead) 9:46 How to be the "Monster-Conquering Hero" 10:55 In the next episode: Defensiveness & what can be done instead
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
trust
validation
safety
relationships
This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Boys don't cry? 0:40 One Solution: How guys can connect with her pain * 3:27 "Aren't you over that yet?" (Therapists said it will take this long) * 5:52 Guys say, "But I don't agree with her." (agreeing vs validating) 8:12 3 places guys can get stuck * 9:15 "If he doesn't agree with me, he abandons me" 11:16 The person I want to be 11:54 One Solution: An important mindset to have * 15:08 In the next episode: “... why does she keep attacking me?”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
validation
trust
safety
relationships
Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Our male clients have a lot of trouble with this 1:05 One Solution: How Matt explains it to male clients * 1:51 How disagreements lead to invalidation 2:41 3 ways we habitually invalidate (the triple threat) * 6:27 Another thing that erodes trust (he’ll do it again) * 7:55 How Jay created greater breakdown with Lori 9:01 One Solution: Pain is part of the healing process? Instead try this… 10:54 In the next episode: “Isn’t she over this yet?”
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
trust
relationships
invalidation
pain
Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.)
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:13 Validation, Restoring Trust & Self-Awareness 2:24 Usually this doesn’t work early on 2:56 Treatment Induced Trauma 3:32 One Solution: She can't heal within the relationship unless… * 4:51 It's a brain thing 5:31 Why sexual affairs may be “easier” 7:02 Guys we have a difficult time helping 8:58 A favorite tool of addicts and chronic mistreaters * 10:46 In the next episode: 3 ways guys invalidate pain
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
validation
trust
affairs
marriageadvice
What’s the first thing a guy should do if he’s harmed the relationship, and what can make him “get it” more quickly? Also what can the lady do if his goal is to have an affair? We discuss those topics with author Matt Fray.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 What if his goal is to have an affair? 1:09 One Solution: The quickest way to make him ‘get it’ * 1:57 The first thing a betrayer should do (a radical mind shift) 3:46 One Solution: The ‘big ask’ in Matt’s coaching 4:45 What if he says, “Well, she does this” * 7:56 In the next episode: Restoring trust and what can keep her from healing within the relationship
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
affairs
betrayal
coaching
relationships
Unfortunate ideas can get twisted in a person’s mind, leading them to have affairs; ideas like, “But if my wife were the right person…” We discuss this with author Matt Fray, and we also cover the question: Are emotional affairs truly affairs–and what can make it all less difficult?
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Defensiveness & intimidation 1:25 “I care about you, but I care about myself more” 2:20 Can be abusive (“don’t ruin my good time”) 3:21 Are emotional affairs truly affairs? * 6:39 One solution: Why not create that with your wife? 7:18 If (this) then it’s not difficult 7:42 This blindness can lead to affairs * 10:05 “But if my wife were the right person…” * 12:42 Getting help: what it is and isn’t 13:14 In the next episode: What if the goal is to have an affair?
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
defensiveness
affairs
emotionalaffairs
relationships
Can porn use and lies lead to PTSD? And what can be done when someone says, “Why won’t you lighten up?” We cover those topics in our continued talk with author, Matt Fray.
TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:20 Unmet needs & PTSD after broken trust * 0:58 The addicts we see tend to focus on these needs 1:43 One solution to “Why won’t you lighten up?” * 2:42 Death by 1000 cuts 3:12 Porn use & Lies (“our early mistakes”) 4:38 Whether affairs, prostitutes or porn… * 5:37 Porn can be more than a breach of trust; it can actually cause PTSD 7:24 Disclaimer: Please seek a licensed professional if needed 8:09 In the next episode: Emotional affairs & what can be done instead
betrayaltrauma
needs
pornaddiction
lies
Are her needs more important than his? No, but as you’ll see in this video, his most important needs are usually already met. Our female clients can’t say the same, and this reduces feelings of safety. But is safety actually a need?
TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs within relationships * 1:32 Different levels of needs 4:22 One Solution: Safety is also about reliability (so prioritize it) * 6:15 Jay’s caution: Some emotional abuse happens through sex * 8:17 A story about reliability 8:43 Maslow’s Needs & Self-Actualization 10:11 In the next episode: How the needs addicts focus on tends to harm relationships -- https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
safety
needs
trust
connect
relationships
marriageadvice
What if the person who's broken your trust says, “I did that because I can’t trust you!” Today we cover that, as well as the topic of vulnerability with author Matt Fray.
TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 When the man who broke trust says he can’t trust her * 2:08 Vulnerability isn’t weak (it’s THIS that’s weak) 3:42 Hiding (this) from the partner * 4:07 One Solution: Something that leads to relief * 5:20 In the next episode: Safety in relationships
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
trust
addicts
joy
vulnerability
“Change doesn’t happen until it gets painful enough.” Is this true, and if so, what does it look like? That’s what we cover with author and coach Matt Fray.
TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro 0:11 Will it take divorce before he ‘gets it’? 2:02 What gets through to guys * 4:20 It doesn’t take more pain when these things happen 7:46 One Solution: One way for guys to learn vulnerability 9:34 One Solution: How to increase intimacy (Note: Please go at the betrayed partner’s speed) * 10:31 In the next episode: Hiding certain things from your partner
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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery
#vulnerability
boundaries
divorce
intimacy
Matthew Fray tells what it all comes down to in marriage… and how he felt right after his divorce. Also find out when he would tell a person, “Fine, then don’t be married.” TIMESTAMPS 0:00 Intro / The crux of it all in marriage * 2:45 What defined Matt’s emotions? / Who is most responsible? 3:59 “7 out of 10 marriages end” * 6:19 What ruined Matt’s last day of work 8:29 Jay commends Matt for this 9:47 How Matt felt right after his divorce 10:45 One Solution: Key to successful relationships * 11:35 If it’s not a 10 on the pain scale… 11:55 In the next episode: Will it take divorce for him to get it? — https://thecouplecure.com – Jay and Lori’s website https://matthewfray.com – Matt’s website https://pornpainhealed.com – Lori’s site for betrayed partners https://porniskillingme.com – Jay’s site for porn addiction recovery
trust
marriageadvice
divorce
relationships
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfdAB7hjhME
This episode covers a little about Matt’s divorce and his two main focal points in marriage.
0:00 Intro
0:07 Solutions: The two main things Matt works on with his clients *
1:58 Jay’s story / Lori’s story
8:37 Jay and Lori’s mentoring program
10:33 Matt’s story
12:31 What Matt was adamant about regarding marriage *
13:24 “What’s her problem?”
14:32 In the next episode…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBQbaIgrd9I
Meet Matt Fray, Author of “This is How Your Marriage Ends” and hear how he says he ‘forced’ his wife to walk away from the marriage.
0:00 Intro
0:28 Matt’s new book: This is How Your Marriage Ends
1:06 Format of these videos
1:44 How we met
2:57 How Matt became a coach
5:52 Matt’s coaching program / Differences in who we coach *
7:16 How Matt started blogging… & “forced” his wife to walk away *
8:12 “So many marriages end here” *
8:29 In the next episode…
The “Raging at the Addiction” technique for betrayal is covered in this episode, but first we share what’s new this season, including how you can find effective solutions for relationships.
Addicts have to avoid these major pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're going to rebuilt trust. This episode also covers signs to look for in order to know if the addict is serious about recovery.
Episode Summary: -Some groups allow masturbation -Co-ed groups -Knowing what serious recovery looks like -Applying 12 Step principles to trauma can do more damage
0:00 Intro
0:42 Major Pitfall One: Some Sex Anonymous groups allow masturbation (and this can lead to more lies)
1:52 Major Pitfall Two: Not being careful in Co-ed groups
3:59 Major Pitfall Three: Using group time to badmouth your wife
Addicts have to avoid these common pitfalls if they're going to recover from their addictions… and if they're not going to make things worse in the relationship.
Episode Summary: -Signs of impending relapse -Sponsorship and Accountability Partnership -Avoiding becoming a dry drunk -The "24-Hour Reprieve"
0:00 Intro
1:02 Pitfall One: Relapse (not knowing the signs of it)***
2:39 Pitfall Two: Confusing the roles of the sponsor and accountability partner / What Jay looks for in sponsors
If God is good, how can He allow things like addiction, betrayal, lies and abuse? In this episode we cover that difficult topic. While we address the ancient saying, "fill up the sufferings of Christ," we also add a caveat for partners who've been lied to and mistreated.
Episode Summary: -How can a loving God allow certain things? -Filling up the sufferings of Christ -How betrayed spouses can know if they should STOP suffering to get through to the addict -Kittens & Crawling into God's arms -We both break down and cry
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:46 How can God allow certain things: First thought (another meaning for "will") 2:35 Second thought (connectibility) 3:20 Third (when the sun always shines there's little…)
The full version of the Serenity Prayer isn't well known, yet if addict's adhered to, it can bring them happiness—a happiness that can replace the pleasure betrayal and lies bring. This episode covers that, while difficult, courageous surrender is the quickest way to joy.
Episode Summary: -The rest of the original Serenity Prayer -Addicts may not be good at a certain part of this -Balancing acceptance and abuse -How surrender isn't passivity -What happiness will look like on this earth, and when supreme happiness happens
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to the FULL Serenity Prayer 1:13 Living (and enjoying) one moment at a time / this helped heal Lori 3:20 Addicts may not be good at this… but if they could just do this… 3:56 Accepting hardships has a purpose / What led to Jay abusing Lori***
Most people have heard the first three lines of the Serenity Prayer, but it's usually the popular version. The original version is much richer. And its main tenants are essential for recovery from porn and sex addiction, and especially lies. This episode covers the first three lines of that Prayer. (The next episode will cover the rest.)
Episode Summary: -Being 'strong and courageous' -When the addict's expectations aren’t met -The quickest way to change our situation is to… but only if…
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to the Original Serenity Prayer 2:15 The second part of the original prayer / What serenity may look like for the addict 3:47 Why we are to call each other into our nobility ("Addicts have to have evidence of life change")***
Many recovering addicts create more pain by using this Step to abandon their wives. This episode covers what addicts can do instead, especially if he's betrayed her, lied to her, or used abusive tactics with her.
Episode Summary: -Step 12 of the 12-Steps -Are we really powerless to change others' behavior? (One of the most difficult things for addicts to accept.) -How addicts can change their thinking (when tempted) and how to NOT cause more pain with this step. -What Jay's mask wearing looked like, when there wasn't a big spiritual awakening
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to Step 12 (It's not about advertising, it's living it out) 1:44 How To fulfill this step / Addicts' acceptance 3:13 Are we really powerless to changes others' behavior? / When it doesn't work
It's one thing to lay down an addiction, but it needs to be replaced with something more life-giving. This episode is about taking your sobriety further on a daily basis through relationship with God/your Higher Power. We offer practical ways to accomplish this, as well as cautions for rebuilding trust after betrayal, lies and abuse.
Episode Summary: -Step 11 of the 12-Steps (Increasing your conscious contact with God & praying for HIS will and HIS Power) -One difference between prayer and meditation -It's about living in a surrendered way… daily -Side note for betrayed partners and this step in the Bible
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to Step 11 / Jay's take on how prayer and meditation are different / Ways to meditate*** 3:04 Praying for God's will & surrendering / Conscious contact with God 4:29 One major benefit of meditation / How Lori did this the previous year
We all mess up, but after betrayal trauma and lies, but if an addict wants to rebuild trust, they have to be prompt about making things right. This episode covers a few techniques to make this an easier process. It also covers how Lori knows Jay's character changed.
Episode Summary: -Step 10 of the 12-Steps -How to avoid the slippery slope -One way to rewire the addicted brain
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to Step 10 (Continuing to take a personal inventory and when I'm wrong…) / This should be done daily 2:08 One way to do this and why***
Episode Summary: -Step 9 of the 12-Steps -How to handle the exception written in the step -The most sincere form of an apology -Excuses people make to not do this step
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to Step 9 (making direct amends) 1:28 The exception explained 2:43 One caution when you feel free afterward / Disclosure specifics
Whether it's through betrayal, trauma, abuse or lying, addictions can cause a lot of harm. In this episode, Jay and Lori cover the first step to making it right, as well as what to do if you're not ready to.
Episode Summary: -Step 8 of the 12-Steps -The first steps in making amends -Cautions if you're not ready to make things right -God can change our "want to's"
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro and explanation of Step 8: We made (this list) 2:16 "Just because I'm willing, doesn't mean…" & Jay's personal experience 4:16 This step isn't about relationship—neither is…
It'd be great if God just took the desire for our addicts away, but we rarely see that in our line of work. This episode covers what to do instead, as well as special things to consider after lying and betrayal.
In this episode we cover: -Step 7 of the 12-Steps -What true humility looks like -God doesn't just take it away
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 1:38 If you have to ask about it then… / The middle part of the 12-Steps 2:22 Getting to where we're humble enough to ask without… / It's not like God's going to just take it away if… 3:22 "God, you're going to have to take it away, because I don't want to let go of it" / Many examples of what humility looks like***
Porn addiction, betrayal and lies can wreck a couple. An addict has to be ready to release his old coping mechanisms. Jay and Lori also cover their experience with addiction and fear, as well as what surrender looks like. They also address the difference between Savior and Boss.
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro & Step 6 (Preparing for this…) 1:55 "Being entirely ready" means getting rid of 'tools' that help only me 3:08 Jesus appears to ask a stupid question but it applies to addicts*** 4:52 But those tools have been effective in these ways…
Withholding information (also known as lying) is common, especially with porn and sex addicion. That's why this step is crucial to healing, both for the addict, and for the one who's been lied to and sexually betrayed.
In this episode we cover: -Step 4 of the 12-Steps -A searching and fearless moral inventory -The more you write out, the more freedom you will experience
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro to Step 4: Listing where they were out of integrity (and one easier way to do this) 2:54 What to look for in a sponsor/accountability partner 3:25 Disclosure: how it's different (t's done with the betrayed partner's pain in mind)
Hello Our latest video is down below, but as an FYI… We will be on a live Q&A tonight as part of a summit sharing tips on managing emotions, disclosure, separation, reconciliation and beyond in an online summit called Renew. The Q&A is happening at 7pm Eastern tonight (May 12), and we hope you can be there. Also, our individual interviews air at these times: Lori's goes live on Saturday, May 15th at 4pm Eastern. This talk covers:
giving anger 90 seconds and how different levels of 'getting space' can give you a better marriage, even if no one ever leaves the home.
Jay's goes live on Monday, May 17th at 2pm Eastern. This talk covers:
how authenticity and vulnerability take marriage to a deeper level of commitment, and the father's role in blended families.
While we still have a 90% success rate with couples, the other experts in the summit also have incredible stories of redemption. Imagine hearing from mentors, counselors, and other professionals who really get it? So we hope to see you there (feel free to bring your questions.) Claim your free ticket.
https://youtu.be/8iAnv6z7-xc Women who've been traumatized by porn / sex addiction, abuse and lying tell us that applying the 12-Steps to their pain only causes more pain. Yet the 12-Step Program CAN be effective for addiction recovery. This is because the treatment for addiction and lying is MUCH DIFFERENT than healing the pain and trauma of betrayal. They require different recovery programs. So in this episode, we cover:-Step 3 of the 12-Steps, and how to be careful if you're trying to rebuild trust-Surrendering all, and how God replaces it-Special cautions regarding those betrayed by porn, abuse and lying-Special cautions regarding those who've been hurt by the church Timestamps:0:00 Intro0:25 Step 3: We make decision to… 1:14 Surrender and coming to the end of ourselves2:23 "Being beaten into state of…" (The main point here is…)4:23 My will (where it becomes a problem) / My will vs. My life6:31 "I don't think God causes us pain, but…" & a side note for the betrayed7:21 "The 12-Step books are written with the addict in mind," not those in betrayal trauma7:47 To the care of God… as we understand Him9:34 To those who've been hurt by the church (A thought Lori had about God)11:03 The more I know God, the more I…11:56 It's a daily decision to surrender… and anger at God12:48 Lori's history… and what can change your life13:33 "Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led" (R. Mullins)14:14 How Step 3 reflects how to get closer to God15:09 Our will… count the cost16:29 (This) will be painful16:55 It's not 'nothing but crap'—God replaces counterfeits
(Note: if you sign up for the summit using a link above, then you’ll help our ministry at no cost to you.)
This episode covers: Step 2 of the 12 Steps / Believing in a Power greater than ourselves / The root of the problem. Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 1:09 Pornographically addicted 1:32 Step 2 - Restore me to sanity 1:59 Jay gets self-righteous 2:53 Hurt in the name of
Here's our latest episode, which covers: -Step 1 of the 12 Steps -How it reflects the steps toward God -What Jay and Lori see in their clients
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:34 What this season is based on 2:04 Step 1's key phrases 2:27 What Jay sees with the guys he works with 3:02 A different perspective on our powerlessness 3:57 The difficulty Jay had with this step 5:35 How some addicts deal with this 6:28 The "disobedient dog" in Jay
Here's our latest episode, which covers: -What happened to Jay and Lori in 2020, including run-ins with the IRS -A behind-the-scenes look at how they celebrated their 25th Anniversary
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:22 Preview of Season 3, and Jay's history with it 1:37 What Lori will be covering/cautioning in Season 3 2:18 For those who've been through betrayal trauma (look for the "S") 2:59 Where were we in 2020?
Hello everyone.
In this episode we cover: -A quick recap of the season on Betrayal Trauma -Jay and Lori's favorite episodes -This season's blooper reel
Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 2:50 What this episode is about: a recap & joy (and Lori being stupid : ) 0:48 If you've been betrayed 1:06 Guys, imagine if your wife…
In the last full episode of Season 2, we talk about a not-so-fun reality that exists in many areas of our nation: Injustice through Systems of Oppression. BUT we also share something you can do if you find yourself on the receiving end of injustice.
This one starts out talking about the partner's anger at God (it might just be something else). Then we talk about the addict's anger at God, himself… and the wife. And what he should do if he's angry with the wife.
This is a continuation of the last episode where we're covering how Lori responded to those who objected to how we've recovered.
This exchange, however, got a little nastier than the last one.
In this episode we give an example of how to respond to someone who is gentle, yet still misunderstanding the issues involved after betrayal.
Submission in marriage is regularly misunderstood, so this episode discusses what God meant it to look like in marriage… and what it might look like after betrayal.
This episode covers THE thing that can make a situation go from bad to traumatic. We also discuss things that can make the process less damaging for you.
This is one we threw together after a movie one night. The room (and Lori) are a mess, but you may find the content helpful. Thanks to the movie Breakthrough and Chrissy Metz for her powerful acting as the inspiration to our video.
This is one we threw together after a movie one night. The room (and Lori) are a mess, but you may find the content helpful. Thanks to the movie Breakthrough and Chrissy Metz for her powerful acting as the inspiration to our video.
Jay and Lori discuss self-deception and lies. Why do betrayers do this? Why did Jay lie to Lori?
They also cover some things you can do to overcome these behaviors and get to a better place.
Lori holds Jay's feet to the fire on one of his past beliefs. Then we speak directly to the guys.
Women tell me the lying is worse than the sexual integrity issue. Jay goes into the first lies he ever told, and Lori shares what she thought when he'd lie about certain things. He even shared some brand new truth the day of this recording.
Continued from the previous episode where Lori shares what she wishes she'd known the first time the truth came out.
Lori shares what she wishes she'd known about betrayal the first time the truth came out.
Here Jay gives several things he wishes he'd known about the addiction... and the recovery process.
"Aren't you over this yet?" "It's just porn!" "It's your job to forgive!" Some things told to betrayed who've been betrayed don't help. They only become new sources of pain; new ways...
Even when addictive behaviors stop, if other unhealthy behaviors continue then she is still 'living with ...
This is the first episode of Season 2 where we cover the basics of betrayal, but also have a few new...
Hi Everyone.
Lori and I wanted to give you a preview of Season 2. You have the option of watching the video or listening to the podcast, which has better audio.
https://youtu.be/UJKd8zgdmfk
This episode covers the seasons we go through, and genuine-peace. We also announce something new: we'll be breaking this podcast into different seasons to tackle different topics. (Subscribe on your favorite podcaster to be automatically notified when the next season starts.)
This episode is about the kinds of people groups and attitudes that can distract us, and who we tend to hang around.
This episode covers a technique that can help you avoid arguments... and where we've needed it in the past.
In this episode, Lori apologizes to Jay for something she did during their healing years.
This time we discuss handling those "Special" days in the relationship. Maybe you have a birthday or anniversary coming up and you're feeling some anxiety about it... listen in.
Some may wonder, "Why should I trust you?" Here's an audio account of our history with helping marriages.
This episode covers the part of our story we've told before numerous audiences. There's a few pieces of new information. Even still, if you've heard it too many times before, feel free to skip.
This episode was recorded late last year after 15 months of one loss after another. (On a lighter note, it also covers how we're not 'cooking the books.')
This episode covers the signs that helped us know we were supposed to get married... and how your own story can help you.
Here's a fun take on how details are treated in the relationship... and we also cover how this changes after betrayal.
We've shared with various audiences how we nearly divorced, but here's the fun side of our history. (To Betrayed Ladies: This next episode of our podcast covers the fun side of our story. If you're not in a fun mood, then feel free to disregard. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy.)
Here's our new podcast for relationships. Ep.1 shares info about who we are and what you can expect.
Many couples have worked with us to heal after betrayal, but this podcast will share the fun side of what we do for relationships in general. Enjoy.