The Thriveology Podcast For Thrive Nation: Recent Episodes
The Thriveology Podcast For Thrive Nation
Thrive, grow and prosper. A life of thriving and abundance awaits you, Thrive Nation! Join Dr. Lee Baucom as we explore better ways of thriving, growing, succeeding, and prospering in life, career, family, and purpose.
Just a little rant here: philosophy classes turn off many college students for a simple reason — they never get around to saying how philosophy can shake your living. Some classes might teach more on “how to think philosophically,” or “here are the old philosophers.” Some may speak to ethics or arguments, logic or some other esoteric area. But how to live, day-to-day? That is often lost to the student.
(By they way, I would offer this as an issue with much of theology, too. Lots of talk about what not to do, what God (or gods) might be like, and how to judge how others live… but not so much clarity on living day-to-day. But that is a rant for another day!)
Anyway, philosophy, as originally taught in ancient days, was exactly for deciding how to live. How should you act, feel, and think? As different schools of philosophy might point out, that all depends upon your basic ideas of what a meaningful life might be.
Sometimes, we are already acting in ways that point to our idea of meaning, even without a philosophical basis. I think of this as our “natural philosophy” — how we have made sense of the world.
After my first book, many people asked if I was a Stoic. At that time, I had only a passing concept of that philosophy. Just one of those old schools of philosophy from a bygone age. But after hearing it a number of times, I started investigating. Sure enough, much of my approach to living day-to-day was Stoic. Huh.
Then, I started finding others that had this same experience. One of those is Vitaliy Katsenelson. He is the CEO of an investment company. But his story goes back to his family’s immigration to the United States, from Russia, when Vitaliy was a child. He was old enough to still remember those memories of a dying USSR (and to hold onto a bit of an accent), but young enough to find his way through American culture.
After writing several books on investing (including the psychology of investing), Vitaliy took to talking about life. Not just professional life. But other areas of life. Art, music, chess, and family life were grist for the mill of exploring meaning.
This led to Vitaliy’s latest book, Soul In The Game. While in the process of writing, Vitaliy stumbled upon Stoic thought and found a new home there. He incorporates that into this book, to further his exploration into the meaningful life (a slightly different question than the meaning of life).
I had a chance to sit down and chat with Vitaliy about a wide range of issues and topics, all related to how life becomes meaningful, and how to find that meaning. Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to find out more.
RELATED RESOURCES Vitaliy’s Website Vitaliy’s Podcast Find His Book Here My Book on Thriving
I’ve had a few people who have noticed that the Thriveology Podcast has been on a bit of a hiatus for a couple of months. They asked where I have been.
Well, since the question was about my podcast, I thought I would respond in… my podcast!
So, listen in for what I’ve been up to, where we are headed, and how you can learn more about thriving — along with me!
And we will be back with a great interview in the next episode.
RELATED RESOURCES: NEW: Thriving with Lee Baucom resource Lee’s Books
Do you ever do something that breaks a rule (or even a law), thinking to yourself that it doesn’t apply to you?
I do.
Sometimes, I use that speed limit sign as a suggestion. I’m a good driver, I tell myself. What harm could +5mph do? Except the sign is a law, not a guideline or suggestion.
But I explain it away. I decide it is ok.
I dare to venture that very close to 100% of people do something similar with some rule or law in their own lives. Someone tells me that they think affairs are bad and unacceptable, while excusing their own infidelity. I once saw a doctor (some years back) tell a patient that smoking was very bad for them, and they needed to stop… while heading out for a smoke break!
I could go on and on.
How do we make those moments make sense? The "Me Exception,” to borrow a term I recently read about. (The topic I was reading about is politically charged, but my observations were meant to note how we ALL do it, every day… and not about the topic I was reading about.)
The Me Exception. We all do it… and it isn’t particularly beneficial to us thriving. It might even be dangerous to the greater good!
Listen in below as we explore your Me Exception.
RELATED RESOURCES The Un-Stuck Series My Books on Thriving
Do you micro-quit? I sure do. And I need to quit micro-quitting! Maybe you do, too.
It undermines my goals (and likely, your goals too). And it keeps you from thriving.
What is micro-quitting? Well, if you quit something (an activity, a job, a sport, a hobby, etc.), you stop doing it. You step away from it.
But when you micro-quit, you don’t follow through on the smaller building blocks of the bigger thing. You don’t quit. But you chip away at that bigger thing.
For example, you are exercising. Maybe you like to. Maybe you want to be in better shape. But either way, you have decided to exercise.
You set your alarm for an early workout. It goes off. You decide to hit the snooze button and do a shorter session. Or you give up on that next set of reps. Even though it was in your plan… and it was your intention to do it. You don’t. You micro-quit on that plan, on that action.
And in the process, you may be undermining your goals. A little at a time, a micro-quit at a time.
It might just be keeping you and me from thriving!
I discuss micro-quitting (and how to micro-commit) in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Your Fierce Life The Habits Series Taking on Discomfort
All around the news, we are hearing about algorithms built into our social media. It directs what we see and hear. It is how all social media decides what to feed you next. If you like this video, then you might like this one. If you know this person, then you may know this person. If you respond to this ad, then you might respond to this one. The task? To keep you on the app or the website. Because that is the thing about social media: they want your attention and your time.
But guess what? You have algorithms that are running inside of you. They are your “Personal Algorithms.” They are your habits that run your daily life. And they don’t really function that differently than what the tech companies use.
In essence, algorithms are simply If/Then formulas. “If” this happens, “then” you do this. In life, they represent your own daily habits and reactions. The “If” is a trigger. Something happens. And when it does, you “then” do something. If your stomach growls, then you grab a bite to eat. If you are walking by the cookie jar, then you grab one and eat it. If the alarm goes off, then you hit the snooze several times. If/Then.
Those algorithms can keep you stuck or free you up, depending on how you use them.
My guest this week is Michael Balchan. He is the CEO of Heroic.us, an app based approach to thriving more in life. Listen in as we discuss your habits, your life, your algorithms, and how to be on your own “heroic journey.”
Throughout his adulthood, Michael has been trying to not just “punch the clock,” but to thrive. And over the years, he immersed himself in learning and executing. He sought wisdom from others, then worked to apply it into his life.
Along the way, he moved from finance professional to professional coach. And on that path, he realized his own mission was to help the world to thrive.
On this episode, we talk about ways to thrive, and a new resource to help you thrive.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Heroic.us Thrive Principles Simplified The Habits Series
"Where should I start?", my client asked.
Lots of times, we want to make changes, we want things to be different. And sometimes, we want things to be different before we make any changes.
We want a different starting point.
If you've ever been at a park or mall, looking at the map to figure out where to go, you might notice that one very important feature, "You Are Here." It points to the spot where you are now.
Not where you want to go. Not where you want to be.
But where you are.
If you are at the mall and see the store you want... on the other side of the mall, you might wish you were standing nearby, near the destination store. Not all the way across the mall.
But if you are on the other side of the mall, that is where you are. Navigating to the destination from a closer point -- a point where you are NOT -- is not likely to be effective.
You start where you are.
And you might just find... it is a pretty good place to start.
Listen to this podcast episode for how to start where you are, and why where you are is a pretty good place to start.
RELATED RESOURCES Accepting What Is Limiting Beliefs Making Changes Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
"Why don't they treat me the way I want to be treated?", my client asked me.
So, I asked, "Have you taught them how to treat you?"
The silence let me know. But after a pause, my client said, "I guess it never crossed my mind I needed to do that."
The fact is that people do not know how we want to be treated... unless we are clear about how we are to be treated. Otherwise, we get treated the way THEY want to treat US, and not the reverse.
In the end, that leaves people frustrated, defensive, and feeling mistreated.
Your BOUNDARIES are what lets people know how you want to be treated. They are your "NO's" of life. Things you will not let people do to(wards) you.
If your boundaries are solid, you are already following this rule. But if you find yourself being treated in ways you don't want to be, time to start following this rule, "Teach others how to treat you."
Listen to this week's Thriveology Podcast for yet another Rule for Living.
RELATED RESOURCES Boundaries and Standards How to Deal with Difficult People The Power of Choice Thrive Books
A few weeks ago, a coaching client noted her resistance to forgiving for fear that she would be vulnerable to being hurt. I told her that was not at all true. In fact, being alive leaves you open to hurt!
But not forgiving? It offers no protection. It does, however, prolong the pain caused by some person or event.
This client was not the only one who told me about her concern of forgiving. I have heard it over and over through my three decades of counseling and coaching.
Most people have fallen into a habit of hanging on to the hurt, of not forgiving. They have a habit of UN-forgiving.
Let me suggest that, just like any other habit, you can change this habit. You can foster a Forgive Habit. There, you more quickly work toward forgiving the hurts and pains you feel from events and others. And in the process, you find freedom to move forward with a thriving life.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss The Forgive Habit and how to foster it.
RELATED RESOURCES Why Forgive? How to Forgive Teaching Others How to Treat You How to Set Boundaries The Forgive Process Book
Have you seen the meme that caught my eye?: I really wish I weren't living through a major historical event right now! I feel that! But here is the thing I am realizing — historic events are happening on a very regular basis. We aren’t living through the first pandemic (nor will it be the last). This isn’t the first time we have had political upheaval and polarization (nor will it be the last). This isn’t the first time an unpredictable war has rocked a nation (and unfortunately, it won’t be the last).
I could go on and on. But you get the point. We are living through historic events. As have others, through every other historic event.
Sometimes, I wonder how future generations will look back on us, what we are going through, and how we went through it. Will they believe they could have done better? Will they think we learned anything? I wonder….
We get caught up in worrying about events all around us. And that can lead to anxiety, frustration, and inaction. Nothing changes.
As a client told me years ago, “Its not like I’m not doing anything! I am worrying!” My client felt like that was doing something. Indeed, her brain was spinning. But nothing was changing. Nothing was happening.
How DO you find calm in these crazy times? We talk about it in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES The Roots of Worry What is Stress Coping with COVID Series Does Everything Happen for a Reason?
Over the past 7 episodes, we have been building our Thrive Code. The code to follow that allows us to thrive, and also the code that runs your system, like computer code. And we are closing in on the finish line!
We bring the series to an end in this episode. The final piece of the Thrive Code is all about how we feel about others. Do we see others as “other” or as connected to us? Do we use compassion or do we objectify?
I have a built in belief that we are born with compassion. Babies and children have a natural compassionate response to others in pain. But many times, people are taught to not have a compassionate response. We are taught beliefs about why others are having problems. Often, those beliefs are based in blame and condemnation.
It is no surprise, then, that we are living in a compassion crisis. Both in terms of compassion for others and self-compassion.
Is there a way back? Yes! And it starts with understanding exactly what compassion is, where it comes from, why we lose it, and how we can cultivate it. Learn more in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Challenge Control Community Contribution Create Curiosity Clarity Lee’s Books
Did you ever have one of those Magic 8-Balls when you were growing up? I never had one, but a friend down the street did. You were supposed to ask Yes/No questions of the ball, then turn it over and a die would float to the surface, revealing your answer.
For whatever reason, we could spend lots of time asking a question, shaking and flipping the 8-Ball, and study our answer. Of course, if we didn’t like the answer, we would just shake it again and get another answer.
On a side note, I always wondered why an 8 ball from billiards was ever supposed to be “magical” in answering questions. I recently read that Brunswick Billiards bought the rights to the toy as some point. So, no, nothing magical about an 8 ball, except for the billiards company being involved!
Anyway, there was this one answer that always left me frustrated: Reply hazy, try again.
Naturally, I would. I’d just shake again and try for another answer. But I remember this one time… I just kept getting the same answer — Reply hazy, try again. So, I kept trying again. And I didn’t get anywhere!
Well, life can be that way. When things aren’t clear, it can be frustrating and paralyzing. If we don’t have clarity about some decisions, sometimes we do nothing.
It turns out that having some clarity helps to make life easier. It helps us to thrive.
But, and this is important, seeking clarity is quite a help in thriving. In fact, when we seek clarity, we tend to find enough of it to move forward. And sense clarity changes over time, you do have to keep seeking it. What was clear… what made sense… at one point or stage in life, may no longer make sense at another point. So, we have to keep seeking clarity — and finding it along the way.
This is the code. The Thrive Code.
Listen for more about seeking clarity below.
RELATED RESOURCES Challenge Control Community Contribution Create Curiosity Lee’s Books
As we continue exploring your thrive code, the next topic is… are you curious?
OK, that is actually the topic: being curious.
I’ve come to regard curiosity as one of the main paths to thriving. In fact, in the absence of curiosity, we will have a hard time thriving.
All learning comes from curiosity.
All change comes from curiosity.
New experiences come from curiosity.
And growth comes from curiosity.
I am a curious person. And I work to stay curious, to build on curiosity.
Learn why curiosity is part of the Thrive Code in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Challenge Control Community Contribution Create Lee’s Books
I must admit, I have said it myself, “I am just not creative.” But that isn’t true. Not for me, and not for you. Perhaps you had some art teacher tell you that at one point. Or perhaps you were looking at the creative work of someone else. And perhaps you aren’t creative in that particular medium (although it may just be you haven’t put effort into that medium).
But you ARE creative. And so am I.
How do I know?
Because we are human. And being human is being creative. We create thoughts all the time. Most of the time, jobs are creative in nature. When we are doing some hobby, it is likely to be creative. Yep, even if it is a sport.
When I am rolling in jiu jitsu, I may think that I am just repeating some move I have learned. But in reality, I am trying to creatively respond to the actions of someone else. They move, and I respond, to which they respond, to which I respond. At every step, it is a creative response.
Or when I am trying to work a problem on the climbing wall, I have to make a creative choice on how I will make it to the top. I have to be creative in the choices I make, positioning I take, and the route I follow.
The fact is, creativity is in our DNA. Humans are probably more creative than any other creature. It only takes a quick look around to see how creative elements surround us with just a quick look around.
One part of the Thrive Code is seeing your creativity, and consciously practicing it. I cover it on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Challenge Control Community Contribution Lee’s Books
When I talk about Thriveology, many people say, “Oh, that is more of that ‘being happy’ stuff, isn’t it?"
My response: No. Well, not just that. Sure, being happy is fine. No need to avoid being happy! But that is only one dimension of life.
It IS the dimension of life that hedonism celebrates and pursues. If it feels good, do it. Enjoy life. Have a good time. Seek out pleasure and avoid pain.
Except that doesn’t lead much to thriving. It posits your satisfaction with life externally to you. It is THAT thing that makes you happy, brings you pleasure, makes life worthwhile.
Eudaimonia was the counterpoint in greek thought. This is the pursuit of life satisfaction by what things mean to you internally. It is how you bring meaning, enjoyment, and satisfaction into your life from within.
And there is a cornerstone of that: Contribution. What we GIVE to the world, versus what we GET from the world. Giving versus Taking.
Research has long pointed out the power of giving and contributing to the mental health, wellbeing, meaning/purpose, and satisfaction of people to their lives. Which is why it is part of The Thrive Code.
Listen below to learn why contribution matters and some principles of doing it.
RELATED RESOURCES: Challenge Control Community Lee’s Books
It’s in our DNA. We have a need to connect with others, to have connections and relationships. We express that in close relationships and larger groups.
And unfortunately, lately, we have often allowed tribalism into our connections. When we slip into our tribal thinking, we work from a place of exclusion. This leads to a greater illusion of connection. In reality, that connection is based in being the same as others in the tribe.
Community, on the other hand, allows others to include themselves. It is not about differences. Lines are not drawn to separate. Differences have room for inclusion. And true connection can grow.
Speaking of connection… we need connection in life to thrive. Those who are caught in isolation suffer, both emotionally and in their health. It is also deeply wired into our DNA.
Where is YOUR community?
Where is YOUR connection?
Listen to this episode of Thriveology Podcast for why community and connection are so important.
RELATED RESOURCES Challenge: Thrive Code #1 Control: Thrive Code #2
Many people make the Control Error — they attempt to control what they cannot control, while also failing to control what they can.
Why?
Because they don’t know what they can’t control and they don’t know what they can control.
Humans have a desire to feel like they are “in control” of their lives. Most people hate feeling out of control. And yet, by making the Control Error, they constantly feel out of control (and work harder to control… what they cannot control).
Thriving is tough when you feel out of control. And it is even more difficult when you are not controlling the areas you can control.
There is a code to thriving. Think of it as the computer code behind all the things your computer programs can do. The basic assumptions and directions come from the underlying code. It allows the tasks to happen.
Similarly, there is an underlying code to thriving. If the code is working, daily tasks and living go much better. You thrive in your life.
One element of that Thrive Code, we discussed in the last episode: Challenge. In this episode,we take on the second element of the Thrive Code: Control. More importantly, it is about controlling what you can control, while releasing yourself from what you cannot control.
Listen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Thrive Code 1: Challenge Your Circle of Control Solving the Control Paradox Lee’s Books
Life is a challenge, isn’t it? I don’t think I am saying anything that is a surprise these days. We’ve been dealing with a pandemic now for over 2 years. For many people, that has led to many challenges throughout life.
Which brings me to my word for 2022. Each year, my family chooses one word to live into for the year. And this year, my word is Challenge. Not just to acknowledge the challenge of these days, but to claim that I am going to live into and lean into the challenge!
Even without a pandemic, life would still be a challenge. Why?
Because that is the nature of life. Life challenges us.
We can see it as an obstacle. We can even stomp our feet and proclaim that “it shouldn’t be this hard.” But that won’t change the fact that life is just a challenge. So, philosophically, I just acknowledge and accept that it is a challenge. Not an obstacle; a challenge.
Also, I need a challenge. If I don’t have something to take on, some challenge to work toward, I tend to get stagnant. I’ve learned this several times over this past year. Looking back, I see the challenges along the way. I see how they have helped me to grow and expand. A challenge is part of my growth.
But guess what? That is true for all of us. Our bodies and minds have evolved to be at their best when under a challenge. Too little challenge, and the body weakens. So does our brain. So does our mind.
Which is why I will also be doing more challenges (of myself and of clients) in the coming year.
What is YOUR challenge? (Listen to the podcast below for more on why we need a challenge, and how to take one on.)
RELATED RESOURCES: Thrive Principles book Podcast Episode: What’s YOUR Challenge? Immutable Law episode: Life Has Challenges
And just like that, the Holiday season is upon us! All the hustle and bustle. All the events. All the demands… in the midst of a time that you want to be enjoyable, meaningful, and manageable! Why the stress? In a repeat of last year’s podcast (since we still have that holiday stress!), I discuss the causes of holiday stress. But more importantly, I cover the ways to cope with holiday stress. Don’t let stress rob you of the deeper meanings and connections of this holiday season. RELATED RESOURCES Why We Stress 5 Ways to Shift from Stressful to Restful Deepening the Holidays Book: Thrive Principles
It's a trap. And we all fall into it.
Sadly, we set it up on ourselves, then step right into it.
WHACK! We are stuck... waiting. And that's the trap -- the wait. Life can't begin until....
What's the trap? The "When/Then Trap." You know, that time when you say, "When ____ happens, then I will ______." When you finally get that great job, get that perfect spouse, make $$'s, win the lottery, etc. THEN, life can finally get started. THEN you can be happy, help others, find meaning, do... well, you get the point.
It just seems that something has to change, (right?) before you can get to something else. And so, we get stuck... waiting for that something to change. Not realizing that there may be other ways to get there... or even other places to get to!
There are alternatives to being stuck in the "When/Then Trap." In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we explore why and how we get stuck. And how to get out of that trap. Listen below.
GRAB MY BOOKS ON THRIVING: Thrive Principles The Immutable Laws of Living
I bet you hear it as much as I do. You may even say it. "I'm so stressed!" The malady of the modern age. Stressed out, exhausted, and frustrated.
But what IS stress?
As much as we toss that term around, sometimes almost as a badge of honor, you may not think about what that term is REALLY about.
These days, I tend to push my body, physically. I take a good long walk in the morning, usually do a workout after that, then go to jiu jitsu 3 to 5 evenings per week. My body can, indeed, get stressed.
When we talk about "stress," in everyday life, we are more talking about psychological stress. Which is really just a term for something else. Something we'd rather not claim.
But once we recognize what it really is, we can do something about it. So, let's figure out why we stress... and what we can do about it.
Listen below to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES We ALL Have Fears Your Thriving Body Dealing With Anxiety Dealing With Depression Thrive Principles Book
If you are in the States, we are on the cusp of the Holiday season, kicking off with Thanksgiving in just a few days.
For me, the Holidays throughout the year are moments to step into gratitude. Not just in a little "thank you for that gift," but in a gratitude for being alive. For being here. For experiencing life.
Each morning, while walking the neighborhood with my dogs, Ziggy and Clementine, I reflect on 5 things for which I am grateful. That starts my day with an attempt to shift my attention to thankfulness, to gratitude.
Granted, some days, that feeling quickly evaporates when the work piles up.
But I try to remember to be grateful on a daily basis.
How about you?
Did you know that research shows how simple gratitude habits can re-wire the brain... away from fear and threat? Away from depression and anxiety? Just by thinking with gratitude. Just by focusing on things for which you are grateful.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss the power of gratitude to shift your thinking and re-wire your brain... just in time for a day we set aside to be particularly Thankful.
Know that I am thankful for you, my reader/listener. Wishing you the best of Thanksgivings!
RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude & Appreciation Two Targets To Thrive The Appreciation Approach Stop Trying To Change The Past Thrive Principles Books
"How did I end up here?," my client asked. He told me that for so long, he thought he was headed in the right direction. Now, he thinks maybe it was the entirely wrong direction.
I asked him, "Did you course correct along the way?" He looked at me rather quizzically. So, I elaborated, "If you are sailing, you point the boat toward some object in the distance, in the direction you want to sail. You sail toward it. But the winds push, the current pushes, and you end up a little off-course. So, you course correct."
But then, I added: "Sometimes, you realize that where you thought you wanted to go is not really where you want to go... or maybe it isn't safe to go. Maybe a storm or something else. But you have to go somewhere else. So, you change course."
And I continued, "Then there are the times when you don't course-correct as you go, and the small space of being off-course begins to broaden as you go. What might have been just a course correction at the beginning is now a course change."
Then I returned to our dialogue and asked, "So, did you course correct... or is this a course change?"
Just to be clear: either is fine. We all have the option of course changes in life. Sometimes, it is just a course correction. But it is okay if you need a course change.
It's a part of life.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore the difference between a course correction and a course change. What does it look like, and when is it time for a change?
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Book: Immutable Laws of Living Dealing with Change How Are You Showing Up Meaning and Purpose
Have you seen this picture in your FB feed or on Twitter? It crossed my path a number of times.
The first time I saw it, I was immediately uncomfortable. But it took a little time for me to be clear on why.
There is a point to it: just because you apologize doesn't mean everything is okay.
I like that point.
But I worry about going the other way: if someone hurts you, you are shattered. With that, I disagree.
Not just a little.
A lot.
I firmly believe that we are all built to heal from hurts. I firmly believe that encoded within us is the capacity to not just move forward, but to thrive, even when someone deeply wounds us.
We humans are natural story-tellers. And we all LOVE to tell the "someone done me wrong" stories -- thus, 90% of country songs!
And people do, indeed, do us wrong (and we do others wrong).
The problem is not the stories. It is our attachment to those stories. When we begin to define ourselves by the stories of what happened to us, we become that story. It no longer happened TO us, it IS us.
And we get stuck. We become defined by the story, (almost always, A story). Then, we are limited. We stop growing. We stay attached to the story.
In this week's podcast, I discuss what happens with a story, and why we can't allow ourselves to be caught by the story.
RELATED RESOURCES: Apologies How to Forgive Book: The Forgive Process Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
A couple of episodes back, I discussed some lessons I have learned in my less-than-half a year in jiu jitsu. One of my lessons was about "egoless learning." Several people asked what I meant by my ego being involved. And what's wrong with that... the ego?
Well, the ego tends to trip us up, throughout our lives. Why? Because our ego keeps us focused on how we appear, what others think of us, what we look like. And because of that, we try to keep up an image.
And because of that, we trip.
Soon after I learned to scuba dive, I decided I wanted to become an instructor. Partly because I wanted to learn more, partly because I enjoy teaching.
So, after some time of accumulating classes, dive time, and teaching experience, I was ready for my certification process. It was supposed to be a learning event. A place for me to learn more about teaching, got some feedback on how I was teaching, and demonstrated my capacity to teach.
They weren't looking for me to be the best teacher. I was at the beginning of my teaching.
That said, part of my task was to teach... so they could evaluate me and help me to be better. And to get ready, I had practiced. I created a killer PowerPoint. I had "show and tells." I just knew they would see what an amazing teacher I was. I would show them!
I finished. They offered feedback. The first piece, "You went 2 minutes longer than your limit." I was in the middle of a rebuttal, when I realized... I was not learning. I was proving. I was worried about my appearance. My ego was there.
More feedback. More temptation for rebuttal. My ego tripped me up, and I knew it wasn't the first time. When ego appears, learning disappears.
Listen to this episode to hear how ego trips us up.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lessons from Jiu Jitsu Trial and Error Living Life As An Experiment Lessons Learned As A Chaplain
Have you ever wanted something... just knowing that if you had it, you would be... happy?
And if you got it, did you find yourself happier? Not just for a few moments or days, but long-term?
Sometimes, the "buyer's remorse" sets in right after the purchase, with you realizing that no, that shiny new object didn't make you happier (and may have even become an instant burden), and no, happiness did not suddenly appear.
The term for our wanting those things that don't actually lead to satisfaction or happiness is "mis-wants." The wants we have that aren't as significant as we thought. We literally "miss" when we aim at those "wants."
And guess what? That is MORE often true than not. Rarely does that thing get us the effect we want and expect.
What DO we want? We think it is happiness.
But it isn't.
Not really.
Listen to the episode for more on those Mis-Wants.
RELATED RESOURCES: It's Not About Happiness Purpose and Impact The Happiness Trap The When/Then Trap Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
We all want confidence -- SELF-confidence. We want to be confident before we act. In other words, I want to feel confident of myself before I move toward something.
Or maybe that's just me! :-)
But I think that comes at it from the wrong direction. FEAR seems to be between us and action. Mostly because of the order we have for action:
Confidence ==> Action ==> Success.
But instead, we have:
FEAR ==> Wait for Confidence ==> Keep Waiting
If you understandt the real flow, then you can step aside and let fear pass you by, letting you take action AND gain confidence.
Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to learn more.
RELATED RESOURCES: Getting Un-Stuck Fear Is A Given New Book: Immutable Laws Of Living
It seems to be a specialty of mine... getting people UN-stuck. Which means I spend a fair amount of time noting what gets people stuck in the first place. Makes sense, right? If you want to get un-stuck, you need to know why you got stuck.
There are some clear reasons why people get stuck. For example, when you violate one of the 16 Immutable Laws Of Living I highlight in my latest book, you will end up stuck. Guaranteed. Which is why I try to spell them out for you, so you can get unstuck.
One area that consistently gets people stuck is fear. And the way to get un-stuck is not to eliminate fear. Mostly because it is impossible to eliminate fear. It is wired into your brain. Just part of being alive.
But, and this is the good news, you only have to do a little pivot in order to let fear help you.
Before I go into how you can pivot, though, I clarify three primary ways that fear can get you stuck (and keep you stuck). Listen to learn the three ways, and the one necessary pivot.
RELATED RESOURCES: The Immutable Laws of Living Book Getting Un-Stuck Free of Fear Series
My coaching client was wanting to thrive. He told me he was constantly studying about self-growth. But he wanted to really transform his life. And, he told me, so much of what he was reading was, to quote him, "woo-woo stuff." He used that term as a reference to ideas he thought were "out there."
So first, let me just say, what is "out there" to one person is commonplace and sensible to another. But I knew what he was saying. He wanted to change things in his life... but he wanted it based in research and reliability. He wanted to get it down to the basics.
I told him we could easily look at the "low hanging fruit," the easy things to accomplish -- the ones that give the biggest bang for the effort... pretty much guaranteed.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I outline 4 areas to improve, all in very "non-woowoo" ways... and very simple ways... so that you can get the biggest bang for your efforts.
Listen in for the details!
RELATED RESOURCES Fueling Your Body Exercising Your Body Resting Your Body Dealing With Stress Building A Thriving Life
Sometimes, success comes from being at the right place at the right time. Sometimes, tragedy comes from being at the wrong place at the wrong time. But what happens when you are at the right place at the wrong time?
For Kushal Choksi, it saved his life. It was September 11, 2001. Kushal was running late, and rushing to get to a meeting in the World Trade Towers. He was racing through the mezzanine when a horrific impact jarred him and threw the world into chaos. What had happened? What should they do?
Some people were frozen in place. Others were fleeing the building. Still others were simply trying to get back to their day, oblivious to the danger that was mounting. Choksi headed for the door, but was met by a security guard who was imploring people to return to the building. Given the debris raining down, that made some sense.
But before he could turn, another voice and a strong hand on his shoulder said, "No, get out!" Kushal did. That decision saved his life.
And that day completely reordered Choksi's life. He was lost for some time after. What seemed like the recipe for success was floundering. It was not just about being wealthy and powerful. Somehow, the "American Dream" no longer seemed the goal.
What then?
After much seeking, Kushal found his way forward with new tools for dealing with his anxiety and fears. And that led him to another path of success.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, as we approach the 20th anniversary of that horrific attack, I had a chance to sit down with Kushal and talk about meaning, purpose, breath, and mindfulness.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Kushal Choksi's Website Amazon Link to Kushal's book, On A Wing And A Prayer Free of Fear Series Breathe Order, Disorder, Reorder
I don't know anyone who really likes criticism. Well, at least receiving criticism. I do know some people who seem to relish dishing out criticism! You probably know some, too.
But criticism can be important feedback. And feedback can help us to make changes in ourselves and our habits. They can help us change harmful or unhelpful parts of our lives into more productive and healthy parts.
Which means we have a problem. We don't like getting criticized. But that criticism might just hold some important information for transformation.
One of the coaches on my staff once remarked on some rather critical feedback from a client, that she had received some "free coaching." It took a few moments to get away from a defensive reaction and toward a helpful reaction. But my coach made the shift.
First, let me be clear that not all feedback is helpful feedback. Not all feedback needs your attention.
Which raises the question: how do you sift through that feedback to decide what to discard and what to keep? How do you isolate the treasures amidst the trash? These days, there is a lot of trash to sift.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore a framework from feedback coach, Shanita Williams. Her sifting strategy can help you find the useful and release the useless feedback.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Williams' Feedback Mentality website Book: Feedback Mentality Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain When Your Ego Trips You Up
Blame is rampant in today's world. We all quickly point the finger at someone/something else, proclaiming, "It's not my fault!"
Interestingly, I also notice how rampant it is for people to take the credit for successes.
They/we claim credit for what goes right but refuse blame for anything that goes wrong.
We live in a "culture of blame."
Which is what often keeps us from growing. From changing. From learning from our mistakes. If someone/something else is to blame, what could I (or you) do? Not my fault... not my problem.
Change requires us to change the equation. To take responsibility, when we are responsibible. To share credit when others deserve credit.
Great leadership is about accepting ultimate responsibility for mistakes and problems, while giving credit for successes.
So, how do we turn the equation around? I discuss it in this week's Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Responsibility NMF Syndrome In Marriage Showing Up Thrive Principles Book Immutable Laws of Living Book
Are you up for a challenge?
In the last episode of my podcast, I discussed how to hold on when life is tough. That's when life is challenging you.
But what about when life isn't so challenging... where life is copacetic? Just cruising.
It's my observation that we work hard to keep life flat. We work hard to keep things smooth. Cold out? Turn on the heater. Hot out? Turn on the A/C. Keep things even... even-keeled. Flat.
We spend LOTS of energy to save the energy of dealing witb challenges, big or small.
But does that help (or harm) us? Does it keep us safe or make us fragile?
What if taking on small challenges actually gets us better prepared for bigger challenges? What if making choices to expand into life helps us deal with life encroaching upon us?
One of my "things" is to find little challenges for myself... new things to try, new activities to do, new tastes or sounds to take in, and new ways to try life.
How about you? What challenges are you taking on right now?
Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to discover the power of a challenge.
RELATED RESOURCES Learning and Life Ways to Expand Growth Mindset Lessons in Jiu Jitsu Book: Thrive Principles
You apologize. Now what?
Are you finished? Is it now up to the person to whom you apologized?
Nope. That is only one part of the process.
Understand that apologies, forgiving, reconciliation, and trust are all separate functions. Each is tied to the other, but independent. Forgiving does not require an apology. An apology does not mandate forgiveness. You can apologize or forgive, and still not reconcile. And in the end, it is a choice to trust or not.
So, let's step back into what you can do, so that you can "clear the air" and move forward. In other words, to make sure you do your part.
I suggest 6 steps to this process, and I cover each one in this episode of the podcast.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Anatomy Of An Apology Forgive Resources Making Change Limiting Beliefs Responsibility The Forgive Process
I don't know about you, but I was raised around competition. Not so much from my parents, but from culture. In school, you compete in all sorts of tasks... trying to prove how smart, how good, how talented, how athletic, how whatever you are... compared to the others.
It doesn't stop there, but keeps on going. Win or lose. That's all that matters. Well, winning. That's what matters.
Remember Ricky Bobby from the movie, Talladega Nights? "If you ain't first, you're last!" In other words, you win... or you have lost.
(Do remember, though, that at another point in the movie, Ricky Bobby is talking with his Dad... and gets challenged: Ricky Bobby: "Wait, Dad. Don’t you remember the time you told me 'If you ain’t first, you’re last'?" Reese Bobby: "Huh? What are you talking about, Son?" Ricky Bobby: "That day at school." Reese Bobby: "Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn’t make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth… hell you can even be fifth." Ricky Bobby: "What? I’ve lived my whole life by that!" There you go... a first... a quote in a Will Ferrell movie to make a point about thriving!)
We grow up on that whole "win or learn" thing... which ties us tightly to our ego. If we win, ego boost. If we lose, ego bruise. What will others think??
Maybe it is worth making a shift.
Nelson Mandela said, "I never lose. I either win or I learn." When you don't win, you can learn! Great shift. "Losing" is an opportunity for learning. When you don't win, there is an opportunity for growth, for learning... for being better.
But it is still bound by ego. What if it isn't even the win? But the learn? Then, we either learn... or we learn.
Listen to this episode for more on winning/losing versus learning/learning.
RELATED RESOURCES What I learned in Jiu Jitsu More I learned in Jiu Jitsu Even MORE I learned in Jiu Jitsu Trial-And-Error Mindset Three Growth Mindsets Showing UP Book: Thrive Principles Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
... And show some love with a tweet by CLICKING HERE.
So far, life has a 100% mortality rate. We are not getting out of this alive! You and I, and everyone we know, will face the inevitable moment of losing loved ones, and facing our own death.
And yet, we live in a culture that would rather NOT look at this reality. Would rather NOT pay attention to this fact. Would rather NOT think about those end-of-life issues... at least until we are forced to.
Over more than the past year, there has been a daily toll of death and loss. It has been in our face in an inescapable way for many long months.
But I wonder if this has changed the conversations in any important ways about our own (and our loved one's) death and dying.
Willy Donaldson realized that he had to have some tough conversations with his parents. In spite of his own resistance, and that of his parents, Willy had those conversations, to find out what wishes his parents had about that inescapable time. It was not just a conversation about the details, but the reasons behind their wishes. What Willy wanted was to make sure his parents' wishes were known and understood, not just by the family, but by his parents.
It turned out that those uncomfortable conversations were a gift. They were moments of understanding and connection.
Those conversations were also a comfort for everyone. So that that last human moment was understood and out in the open.
This topic became so important that Willy, a business professor, started sharing his story. That led to a book about those important conversations. And it led to our interview about those important conversations. Listen in on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, as Willy and I discuss those end-of-life conversations and why they are so important.
RELATED RESOURCES: Estimated Time of Departure Website Moving Through Grief Does Everything Happen For A Reason? Order, Disorder, Reorder
Have you heard of Kaizen? It is the principle of continuous improvement.
Continuous improvement is a great model for change. It is based on constant changes toward a better outcome. No need for sudden upheaval or change (although that is sometimes necessary). Instead, course corrections are made along the way, nudging something toward improvement.
That "something"? It might be a product (like Japanese automobiles, where Kaizen became the method of them becoming excellent automobiles), companies, or even individuals.
But how, you might wonder, do you actually DO that continuous improvement?
Let me offer a super-simple tool that you can apply to your own life, to your company or workplace, or even to a relationship or organization. SSC - Start, Stop, Continue Three benchmarks: What do you need to Start? What do you need to Stop? What do you need to Continue?
In this week's episode, I discuss how to apply SSC to your own life... and to other areas in your life.
Listen in for a new tool.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Change Why We Avoid Change Paradigms Limiting Beliefs
Forgiving is an important skill. When we forgive people for hurts and slights in the past, we get to free ourselves from those events.
(That skill is so important that I wrote a book about the process I created. That book is The Forgive Process.)
But what about forgiving yourself?
Why would you need to do that?
Because we all do thing, say things, fail to do and say things, that we regret. And those regrets can haunt us. They can keep us stuck in the past... in events that are already over.
Sometimes, if another person is involved, they might not even remember what happened or what was said. But you might continue to torture yourself, chastising yourself for what you said/did, didn't say/didn't do.
This requires another skill: self-forgiveness.
Not just a way to get yourself off the hook. Not just a way to gloss over what happened. But a way to move forward.
How do you forgive yourself? Listen to this podcast episode to find out!
RELATED RESOURCE: Finding Self-Confidence Building Self-Esteem How to Forgive Book: The Immutable Laws of Living Book: The Forgive Process
"You can't. . . ." "I can't. . . ." That pretty much ends the conversation.
Which is unfortunate. History is littered with people doing the very things someone else said, "You can't do that." Turns out, you can.
And many times, we do the same things to ourselves. We start tell ourselves, "I can't," and then believe it. We know we can't do it. We just told ourselves we can't.
In reality, there are 4 types of "I can'ts." One is absolutely true. The three others are not true. They are about capability, timing, and. . . well, that last one is important enough that I cover it in this week's podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES: Learning and Life Be an Experiment Show Up Prior Podcast on Can't
Those thoughts, they get us into trouble, don't they?
We keep looking for that thing that will make us happy. We think we know. We think that thing, that person, that place, that paycheck, position, etc., etc., will finally do it.
Until we get it, get there, have that relationship, or whatever... only to find that it didn't quite work.
Oh, sure, we might be happy for a brief time. But not the way we thought. That "shiny new object" just didn't do it. And back to the drawing board we go.
Mostly because we keep thinking that that thing "out there" is going to do it.
Notice that "happy" and "happen" share a root. Something out there needs to happen in order for us to be happy.
Which is not the path to happiness. No matter what your thoughts are telling you.
In this podcast episode, I discuss why our thoughts trick us, and what to do instead.
RELATED RESOURCES: Thoughts are Thoughts Meaning Making An Impact Happiness?
Life has a way of knocking us down. Every single person. Life hits hard sometimes, and softer sometimes. But life will knock us down. Not once. Not twice. But many times.
Many people get stuck trying to figure out what it means. I am more focused on what we do.
How do we keep moving forward? How do we find our balance again? How do we face another day?
But there it is, right there. There will be another day. The sun will rise again tomorrow. Which is why we have to decide how we are going to respond when life trips us up and knocks us down.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we can thrive through the tough times (even because of the tough times) and find a path through life, even when life bumps us and trips us... even knocks us down.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Does Everything Happen for a Reason? Dealing with Depression Stuck in Loops Finding Calm in Chaos Book: Thrive Principles
In recent days, I have been with people in the middle of horrific losses. Inevitably, someone steps up and in an attempt to comfort, says, "Everything happens for a reason."
That comment is rarely comforting in the painful moments.
But deeper than that, is it even true?
Many people default to this as a reaction to something that happens and is outside of our capacity to understand.
Sometimes, we want to think that there is something behind it -- not just some random event. But what does that phrase mean? Does it mean that some force is trying to teach some lesson?
For many people, the answer is yes.
But does that make it so?
Does everything happen for a reason? Given all that is going on these days, this question seems particularly important.
Let's chat. . .
RELATED RESOURCES: Moving Through Grief Living The Big Stuff with Kristine Carlson
- ¯\_(?)_/¯ Am I right? And we just keep stretching on into 2021. The pandemic isn't over, the virus isn't gone. And here we still are.
Thriving?
Stuck?
Research psychologist, Carol Dweck, says that there are two mindsets we can have: fixed and growth.
In the fixed mindset, we think we are just the way we are. Our personalities and skills are just a part of who we are. "A natural athlete/writer/salesman/comedian," or whatever else. We just are born with those skills... or personalities.
In a growth mindset, we can learn... grow and change. We can get better in something we want to improve. No, that doesn't mean that anyone can be a world-class athlete. But if I want to improve my abilities, I can. If I want to shoot better free-throws, I can practice. If I want to improve my writing, I can practice. I can get better through, learning, effort, and practice.
It seems obvious when we look at it that way, but many of us accidentally fall into a fixed mindset, both of ourselves and others. Experts change their recommendations, and we can either see that as a failure on their part, "wishy-washy" and up to no good. Or we can see that they, too, are learning and sharing from what they are learning. Fixed or growth.
And we can also look at how we, ourselves, are learning to shift, pivot, alter, and change our lives in the face of a pandemic. When we get back to normal, it won't be the normal of December 2020. It will be different. How will we shift?
RELATED RESOURCES Carol Dweck's book, Mindset Podcast on Growth Podcasts on Coping with COVID
Anyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.
Life is rough-and-tumble. Pain is unavoidable.
But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind. That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.
Call it "Dirty Pain." Which is distinguished from "Clean Pain." Clean pain, that is the initial hurt. When you hit your foot, it hurts. That is the bodily response to the injury. When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt. That is the emotional pain. It is initial.
But what if you chastise yourself about your being "clutsy," or about your "stupid action" that led to that foot injury? Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it? What if you kept dwelling about it?
Let me be clear: it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future. It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.
It's the next step after that. When you keep berating yourself. It's when you take the next step... you attach to the pain. Buddhism refers to that as suffering. You and I can think of it as "Dirty Pain" (a term coined by ACT - a mode of therapy). It is dirtied by our own mental state -- not the cause of the pain.
What do you do about that? We discuss it in this week's Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Life Is Tough Letting Go What You Can Control The Forgive Process Book
We all have times in life where we just feel... stuck... in a rut. Life on repeat. Another day, another week, another month, another year clicks by, same ol' same ol'.
That is the definition of a rut, just moving forward on a path of least resistance, unable to change direction or shift focus. A rut.
For many, this pandemic has been one big rut, stuck going forward, time passing by but little changing.
Can you get free from a rut? Can you break out of a rut?
Yes, you can!
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore the nature of a rut, deciding if you are really stuck in a rut (or just resting), and how to break out of the rut.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES Order, Disorder, Reorder Changing Limiting Beliefs The Thrive Journal
At the beginning of my career, I was a hospital chaplain. One of my tasks was to help people accept what was going on... to accept the diagnosis, the outcome of an accident or tragedy, to accept the changes. Interestingly, many times, it seemed that those wanting the person to "accept" were really looking for resignation. Kind of giving up.
I think our understanding of acceptance has expanded since then. But that doesn't make it any easier.
You see, we all want some "alternate reality," some different space where things didn't, aren't, or won't happen. Where we get to choose to undo/redo, or not do what we don't like. The alternate reality where things happened or happen or will happen differently.
Except they don't. They happened as they did. They are happening as they are. And they will happen as they will.
Yes, we have some control about what we do in this moment, and what we will do to move toward the next. But not enough to create our alternate reality where we get to choose everything (we do get to choose our own response, though).
There are 3 "If's" we play out in our mind. One shift matters, if we want to thrive. The shift to "Is."
I unpack what that is about and talk about how we can make the shift in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Grief When to Act, How to Accept Is the Present Perfect? Book: The Thrive Principles
Another year has passed. I added a year to when I answer, "How old are you?" Well, at least in theory. I am an unreliable narrator for reporting my age. By accident. But on a repeated basis.
That said, as I recorded this episode of the podcast, and write these words, I am celebrating 55 trips around the sun (and I complain I don't get to travel much!).
I'm not sure about claiming wisdom, but I do claim some lessons from those years. Lessons I keep learning and relearning. Lessons I must remind myself about. But lessons that matter to my life.
While there are quite a few, 5 seemed to be appropriate for 55 years. 5 lessons from 55 years on this earth!
I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned! And I'd love to hear any questions or thoughts you might have about thriving. But until then, listen in on the 5 lessons I have learned (and keep learning), and let me know if they are lessons you share.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Do Things Happen for a Reason? We Aren't Getting Out Alive! Your Purpose Thrive Principles Book
What a year! It was one year ago this week that I was on my last business trip. I was at an event with my publisher. Already, we knew COVID was out, and knew it was gaining steam. Other countries had already gone into lockdown... and the US was on the precipice.
While I was away, my wife and I were coordinating with our adult children, trying to make sure we could get them to our home before travel was locked down. That weekend, both came home.
We thought it might be a number of weeks. They were thinking two to three. I was thinking a month or a bit more.
That ended up being months on end. They spent more of 2020 in our home than in their own places.
The economy screeched to a halt, trips were canceled, schools were closed. And our medical system started to strain, faltering under the weight of one illness closing off some areas, while filling others.
It seemed like every day, there was some new shift, new discovery, new point of vulnerability. And in its wake, we, as a country and a world, strained to cope. The grief poured out in anger and despair. Some continued their grief in the world of denial.
And still, the numbers climbed. Families lost loved ones. Spouses lost partners. The world lost citizens. To the point that we could no longer truly comprehend the numbers. Some people recalculated by throwing caution to the wind. Others recalibrated to a life in isolation, hoping that was safe.
One year later. What a year!
Oh, and it isn't over! Although there are plenty of places and people trying to move on, we are still in the midst of a crisis. While there is a place, in the not-so-distant future, where we get back to a life much more similar to a bit more than a year ago, we aren't there yet.
And we are also now seeing that the pandemic will not end equally. It hasn't impacted citizens equally, and the end will come just as unequally. But it will come. How do we get there? I hope together, and I hope a bit wiser.
In this week's Thriveology Podcast, I think about the shifts and impacts of this past year.
RELATED RESOURCES: Coping with COVID Series Finding or Building Hope Moving Through Grief
One day, I was watching some videos (you know how that rabbit hole works) that led me to a video on this interesting sport. I love water sports, and am frequently daydreaming this time of year about being in warm water.
I have no idea how that led to this video, but it was a team playing this weird underwater game of hockey/ultimate frisbee/survival thing. It was the Underwater Torpedo League.
Underwater Torpedo was invented by two former special ops guys. They used it to help training clients get better at breath holding and calm under stress. But it sure looked like a blast of a time! I filed it under "I'd love to do that!"
Fast-forward and I met these two guys. Turns out they do more than just train some people. They actually train professional athletes on a regular basis, including MMA, NFL, and even pro surfers.
Prime Hall and Don Tran are the guys behind the game. But they are also performance coaches outside the pool. They work with people about performing in life, using their F.R.E.E. Your Mind protocol. Through their coaching, they help people reduce stress, perform better, and become better versions of themselves.
In this episode, Don and Prime discuss their protocol with me, so that you can make shifts toward higher performance in all of your pursuits.
RELATED RESOURCES FREE Your Mind Info Website Underwater Torpedo League Website What Is Stress? How To Deal With Stress
It is so easy to get pulled into threats and dangers, mishaps and mistakes. It is wired into our brain to have a focus on the negative. Which is too bad. That means we are more likely to miss the good moments, the highlights of life, in favor of the down moments. We clearly see the negative, but can miss the positive.
Unless, of course, we nurture a focus on the positive. Unless we look for those moments of "heaven on earth."
What are your moments of heaven?
Martin Rutte spent his career helping companies enter into dialogue for transformation. He led difficult discussions so that company cultures could transform. Dialogue is a powerful tool of exploration. Which, unfortunately, is often replaced by debate in our culture. That is what happens when we stop listening, demanding our own viewpoint. Martin has worked to shift from the hell of debate to the heaven of dialogue.
And that led him to wonder what we might be able to do to shift our world in a better direction. So, he started wondering about those moments of heaven people have. What were the moments? What was common to those moments? How might those moments become a more intentional part of life? What if that process starts expanding those moments for more people? Might culture and society transform?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, Martin gets me to discuss my moment of heaven on earth... and how I might bring that moment more into my own life. We discuss the power of three simple questions, the power of dialogue, and the need for cultural transformation right now. In this moment. Perhaps a shift to a moment of heaven on earth?
Listen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES Project Heaven On Earth Website Finding Hope or Building Hope Hope in Difficult Times Doing Your Part Your Purpose You Are Built for Impact MPI Triad
When we have some fear, it seems to the person having that fear, that the fear makes sense. If you have a fear, it would seem that fear is real and is valid. But often -- if not most of the time -- that fear is at least overblown. Sure, there are times when a fear is valid.
But since our system is designed to over-fear, we suffer fears that are neither logical nor valid. Since some fears are legitimate, it is tough to decide what is fair fear and what is useless.
In fact, those fears aren't just useless, they are limiting. They keep us from moving forward with living.
In prior episodes, we have examined how our thoughts lead to feelings and fear, that any emotional state can be tracked to thoughts you are having, independent of reality (although it may reflect some reality).
So, in this episode, David Wood returns to examine how beliefs affect and create our thoughts. Which leads to the fact that our emotions and fears and their roots in our beliefs. Beliefs that may not be true.
But how do you test a thought, to see if it is real? How do you examine a belief, to see if it is valid? David pushes the envelope with an example, and follows up with a clear protocol for testing beliefs and thoughts.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES David's Website Tough Conversations episode with David Playing for Real episode with David My 4 Step Process to Change Limiting Beliefs
Three years ago, at the age of 51, I walked into the jiu jitsu gym. I wasn't returning to some skill I learned when I was younger. I was starting fresh. As a beginner. To be honest, I had some idea about what jiu jitsu involved... but I had no idea on how to participate.
I was a beginner!
The fact is, every accomplished person in every single field started the same way. As a beginner. It is an unavoidable part of starting anything and learning anything. And at that point, you don't even know all the things you don't know!
This is the first discovery of mastery. The NOT knowing of everything. So that you can start learning. It is what the Zen masters refer to as "The Beginner Mind." It is the natural state of beginning, and a good mindset to nurture throughout life, even as mastery comes in other areas.
Which is why it is interesting that many adults hit a point in life when they are unwilling to start new, to become the beginner. And unfortunately, that cuts off the path of growth. It holds us back from new experiences and new learning.
My guest on this episode is Tom Vanderbilt, accomplished journalist and author, and intentional beginner. His recent book, Beginnings, recounts Tom's decision and path on learning some new skills and interests. He decided to learn to play chess, draw, sing, juggle, and surf. He even learned how to make a titanium wedding band to replace the ones lost learning to surf.
In this episode, Tom and I discuss the process of learning, the Beginner's Mind, why we struggle to reengage with beginning, and how to do it anyway. We also discuss the powerful advantage to the learning process, straight through adulthood.
Tom's book is a must-read, since growth and learning are Thrive Principle skills for thriving people.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES
Tom's Website and Book Info
How does a young man from the projects end up playing table tennis in North Korea... on a diplomacy mission?
How he ended up there is not much different than how Wally Green ended up in Germany, becoming a world-class ping pong player, after leaving his gang past behind.
I "met" Wally on a Zoom call with lots of others and knew I needed to have him on Thriveology. I wanted to talk with him because he had a handle on thriving. Not because he was making life look easy. But because he was taking life on.
As a child, Wally was faced with domestic violence at home and gang violence outside. Even though he threw himself into sports as an escape, he didn't escape gang life. As he noted, it was a matter of survival.
But guess was really saved Wally's life? Table tennis.
How did he get there? Because he broke a stolen pool cue. And he took out his frustration on someone playing table tennis. One thing led to another... and there he was in North Korea.
Really, Wally is the one who needs to tell the story. And he does, as I interview him in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Wally Green's Website Your Resilience Muscle Damaged, Resilient, or Thriving?
Just for transparencey, I am an introvert. And for much of my life, I found that frustrating when around others. I felt like a deer in headlights. How do I start a conversation? How do I avoid not going way too deep with a conversation? And working a room? Makes me sweat, just to think about that.
But is there any advantage to the introvert? Is there a place where introversion can be a gift...an advantage?
Well, of course. But most introverts don't really see it. We just feel the frustration of watching extroverts navigate a party easily, find success in networking, and seem to be at ease in the public.
But what if that group included some true introverts who have managed to look extroverted? And what if those really aren't strong parameters for success, anyway?
On this episode, my guest is Matthew Pollard, serial entrepreneur, public speaker, author, and... introvert. Matthew's recent book is about how introverts can actually have the advantage in networking.
In our conversation, Matthew does a great job of defining introversion, debunks some myths around introverts, and lays out a way for introverts to use their natural way of being into a success advantage.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Matthew Pollard's Website Go Here for the Free Chapter
"So, I guess it is pretty tough to thrive these days, isn't it?" a friend remarked. He was assuming that, in order to thrive, life must be going well. Everything in place, and everything humming along.
Sure, those are nice days. And yes, they represent easier moments. But thriving is not just about having things go well. It is possible to thrive, in spite of what life is throwing your way.
Or maybe because of what life is throwing at you.
And wow, life is really throwing it at us these days, isn't it? Yesterday marked the one year anniversary since the first COVID case made it to the States. We've been living with that virus now for a year. Then throw in the economic struggles, thanks to the virus. Then toss in a little political struggle, some social unrest. These are challenging days!
And if we aren't careful, we can let media (social and otherwise) keep us hyped up on fear and dread.
Or we can find our place of calm. Our spot of ease.
In this episode of Thriveology Podcast, I cover the space between Un-Ease, Dis-Ease, and Ease. How to make the shift.
RELATED RESOURCES The Coping with COVID series Dealing with Stress Finding Calm Better Breathing Starting Your Day Strong Ending Your Day Better My Books on Thriving
The world seems to be careening forward these days. It can feel like we are just holding on for dear life.
But are we?
Sure, there are events that we can't stop or prevent. Weather comes. Accidents happen. Others make choices that impact us....
Wait. Back up there. Did you see that? Others are making choices. And so can we. Not a choice on whether or not something happens. But a choice on how we respond to it.
Each year, I choose a single word to guide my year. This year, the word is Creator. That does tend to be a large portion of my job these days... creating podcasts, writing books and articles, creating online courses. Even coaching is a creative process, working to help others access their power to create. Their power to choose.
This has me reflecting on a daily basis, on exactly how I am going to be creator to my day. What choices do I make that create my day? What choices do I make that allow me to create?
Am I in full control? No. Nobody is. But that doesn't mean I don't have choices. The question is not where I don't have a choice, but where I do... and don't act.
Let's find the power of choice in 2021.
Listen in to the podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES Your Points of Control Dealing with Triangles The MPI Triad Book: Thrive Principles - 15 Strategies for Building a Thriving Life
Wow! What a year it has been! And many people have asked how I can possibly speak about thriving when it just feels like we are surviving.
But that is the point! Thriving is not what we learn when everything is going well, when life is just humming along. We learn to thrive when we take on the challenge of the tough stuff! When we decide that surviving is not enough. Growing and changing, challenging and surmounting. Those are where we learn the skills of thriving.
Then, when things are a bit easier... a lul in the action... we can breathe and enjoy.
Which brings us to the cusp of a new year. When 2020 started, most of us were unprepared for the last 9 or 10 months... but it was already in motion. Now, as we look down the path of the New Year, change is once again in motion. For us to get "back to life." Even though life never really went away. We didn't go into suspended animation.
Many of us made changes; many held on for dear life. But innovation is all around us. Evidence of what we humans do in the face of challenge, when we rise to the challenge.
In this episode of the podcast, you catch me mid-run, on one of my favorite trails, just a few days before New Years. I wanted to reflect a bit, encourage a bit, and point us all down a path that is coming, regardless.
What path will you take into the New Year? Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES COVID Podcast Series Habits Series One Word Resolution MPI Triad Make It Matter Thrive Principles Book
And just like that, the Holiday season is upon us! All the hustle and bustle. All the events. All the demands… in the midst of a time that you want to be enjoyable, meaningful, and manageable! Why the stress? In this week’s Thriveology Podcast, I discuss the causes of holiday stress. But more importantly, I cover the ways to cope with holiday stress. Don’t let stress rob you of the deeper meanings and connections of this holiday season. RELATED RESOURCES Why We Stress 5 Ways to Shift from Stressful to Restful Deepening the Holidays Book: Thrive Principles
I always find it helpful to have some "rules" to live by. Short statements that help keep me pointed in the right direction, ready to handle the challenges of life.
And let's be honest: challenges are an unavoidable part of life. Those who tell you that having struggles, challenges, or illnesses is an indication that you are doing something wrong? They are wrong and misguided. Life is going to challenge each of us... right up until we die. Which every one of us will do.
So the question is how we live our lives. Today. Right now. Regardless of what life is throwing your way.
What we often do, in the face of a challenge: Worry, Complain, Avoid. All three keep us stuck, frozen in place and to the challenge ahead of us.
So, I have decided instead, to adopt the rule of "Act or Accept." I will either act toward resolution, or I will accept where I am. And the acceptance? It need not be permanent. It is about where I am right now. It may be waiting for a possible action.
Let's talk about this rule and how to apply it. Listen to the podcast episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES Getting Unstuck Anxiety Resources Rules for Living Thrive Principles Book Immutable Laws of Living Book
Have you ever arrived at that spot in life...the place you were pushing to be...only to look around and realize it was not what you thought it would be? In fact, it isn't even what you want?
Maybe that dream job, relationship, or status, really wasn't the dream, after all. Even if you worked hard to get there. Even if you sacrificed to get there.
Do you stay? Or do you step back and undo?
Market researchers talk about the "sunk cost fallacy." A "sunk cost" is the amount you have already paid or invested in something, whether time or resources. It is already gone. Already "sunk" (thus the name). The fallacy part is the tendency for people to keep pushing ahead, sticking with something because of the sunk cost. You hold onto a stock because you invested in it...even as the price plummets. Instead of leaving a losing game, you stay in because of what you have already lost.
We do it every day.
My guest in this episode is Erika Gerdes. She dreamed of working at Google. But the thought was intimidating enough that she never applied. But she ended up there, anyway, after answering an anonymous Craigs List ad. And there she stayed for 13 years.
Along the way, though, she discovered that her "dream job" was not fulfilling her dream. So, she finally left...at the height of her career...and became an Authenticity Advocate. She found her voice in helping others find their voice, her calling in helping others discover their calling.
What she discovered is that sometimes, you have to UN-do things to do things you want to do. You have to practice the art of undoing.
We discuss Undoing, Authenticity, Courage, Mission, and more during our conversation. Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES Erika's Website (with free resources) MPI Triangle From Fear to Courage
Like a broken record... or an endless audio loop. Those thoughts that just keep turning in your mind. Okay, in MY mind. But I bet it happens to you, too.
Let's say, hypothetically of course, that I get up to 2 emails. One is complimentary, thanking me for resources, books, podcasts... things like that. Then there is another email, critical and harsh, telling me how useless my info was.
I read them both and head off to walk my dog.
Do you think I ponder that kind one? Or keep looping back to that unkind one?
Yep, you guessed it. And I bet you guessed it because it happens to you, too.
And that thought... it isn't just a passing thought. No. I find my body tense up, the anger/hurt churning in my gut.
The other day, I was out for my morning walk with my sidekick, Ziggy (our silver lab). We were about half-way through and I realized my palms were sweaty, tightly gripping the leash (which is a waist leash, so I don't even need to be holding it!). My chest is tight, my stomach is tight. I ask myself, "why am I ready for a fight?" Nothing had happened.
Nothing.
Except a thought I was having... not just having... looping. It was about an experience that happened 3 decades ago. One I don't typically think about. But today, it popped in my head and I was stuck in a loop. Looping on an old thought that was making me feel a certain way in the present.
I dropped back and followed my own little routine when I find myself looping.
You can't stop the loops from starting. But you can decide how long you run the loops.
Let's talk about how to stop those pesky loops. Podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES Thoughts are Thoughts Anxiety and Thought Dealing with Depression Living In The Present Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living
These days are filled with stress. The pandemic, politics, relationships, work, pay, weather. You name it, these are stressful times.
But what IS stress?
As much as we toss that term around, sometimes almost as a badge of honor, you may not think about what that term is REALLY about.
When we talk about "stress," in everyday life, we are more talking about psychological stress. Which is really just a term for something else. Something we'd rather not claim.
But once we recognize what it really is, we can do something about it. So, let's figure out why we stress... and what we can do about it.
Listen below to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to discover what stress really is… and what we can do about it.
RELATED RESOURCES We ALL Have Fears Your Thriving Body Dealing With Anxiety Dealing With Depression Thrive Principles Book
Where does hope come from? Does it come upon us? Do we discover it? Or do we build it?
I believe that hope is an important ingredient in thriving. If you have no hope, it is tough to thrive. Finding hope often helps us find thriving.
Oh, and thriving is not about having an easy life, always exciting and happy. A thriving life is built on taking on the challenges of life. Not avoiding them, but taking them on, learning from them, and thriving because of them.
2020 has been the year of challenges. So, it has also given us lots of opportunities to work on thriving. How has it been for you? Hopeful or hopeless?
What if hope is built? What if all you have to do in order to find hope is follow a formula?
As is true for many things in life, the formula is pretty simple. But that is not to be confused with easy. Do remember that thriving is rarely built, though, on the easy. Taking on the simple, but important, is often the path to thriving.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we take a look at hope. Where it comes from, how you can find it, and how you can live it... both for yourself and the world.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES What You Can Control The MPI Triad and Why it Matters The Coping with Covid Series My Books on Thriving
Hasn't 2020 been a doozy of a year? Pandemics, weather, policitics... asteroids??? What else can happen?
A national election, of course (in the United States, anyway). And not just any election. It would be a doozy, too, any other year.
But this year??
According to a recent poll, over 70% of those polled in the States say that the election is a significant source of stress. And 77% saya they are worried about the future of the US.
How do we deal with the Election Anxiety? How can we keep from feeling the negative impact of the election on our emotional well-being?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I cover what causes the anxiety, and six ways to deal with it. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES The Coping with Covid Series What CAN You Control? My Books
Have you noticed that story you are telling yourself (and others) that is running through your mind? It is the one about why you did (or didn't do) what you did (or didn't do). You are trying to explain yourself -- to yourself and others.
You are Self-Splaining.
And it is a story. Not necessarily a lie. But also not necessarily the truth.
Humans are story tellers and meaning makers. The stories we tell are to make meaning. It helps the world to make sense, and helps us give reasons for what we did.
And it can keep you stuck.
Your self-splaining keeps you stuck because it "helps" you to make your actions/inactions reasonable (to yourself). Reasonable, as in "Able to Reason." You can give a reason. One that makes sense to you... even if not to anyone else. You can just keep telling yourself "why" -- self-splaining.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we self-splain, why that can get you stuck, and what to do to get un-stuck.
RELATED RESOURCES Paradigms Stuck and Unstuck Reasons Responsibility My Books on Thriving
So many of us feel despair. It is not as much a loss of hope as loss of purpose. There is no hope without a sense of purpose. It is in your basic design.
Humans are meaning-makers. We find meaning in what happens (or doesn't happen) around us and to us. We can find meaning in random numbers and events, in an attempt to make sense of the world.
But meaning, alone, is not enough. We also need a sense of purpose. We need to feel that we are moving toward something worthwhile... something significant.
You have a purpose. Whether you are moving toward it or not, it is within you. Waiting.
It is your purpose imprint. Finding it is not enough. But achieving it isn't what marks success. It is in the movement toward your purpose.
In this week's Thriveology Podcast, I discuss how we are primed for purpose, need a sense of purpose. And I cover what happens when you don't have that purpose. And we discuss how to move toward that purpose.
RELATED RESOURCES MPI Triad Meaning Matters Thrive Principles Book All of My Books
These are some crazy times, aren't they? The world seems upside-down. A pandemic, politics, conspiracy theories... news just seems to be crazier and crazier every day.
And that can catch up with each of us, stressing us out and leaving us afraid. Which places your body and brain on constant alert.
That is exhausting.
And chaotic.
Why do those news stories and social media feeds keep us so amped up and stressed out? And how can you stay calm(er) in the midst of chaos?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast,
RELATED RESOURCES Covid Pandemic Series Dealing with Anxiety Depression Series Breathe Through My Books
My client was telling me about lots of struggles, difficult times, and a few positive moments. I noted, as I have many times with many clients, "It sounds like your present is perfect."
She went silent. I was silent. But I could see her processing and struggling with my words. I sat quietly.
She finally erupted: "Perfect?!? How can you say that? After all the stuff I told you... how can you tell me that things are perfect?"
I told her, "I didn't say great. I didn't say it was how you wanted them to be. Only that the present is perfect."
In that moment, I could see her gears turning... but she still couldn't make sense of what I was saying.
How can things feel upside-down and inside-out, and be perfect?
"Perfect" does not mean preferred. It means something is complete. A perfectly cooked steak is complete. It is cooked to a certain level. But also consider a "perfect storm," the perfect combination of circumstances that mean the storm is more powerful than when those circumstances don't combine.
The idea of the Present Perfect, which sounds like grammar, comes from life coach, Thomas Leonard. He noted that the Present Perfect is the fact that this moment perfectly reflects everthing that has come before, up until now.
Why does that matter? We explore it in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below
RELATED RESOURCES Medium Article on the Present Perfect Importance of Acceptance What Can You Control? Accept or Act My Books
I don't know about you, but I don't much enjoy feeling fear. I'd rather it not be a part of my life.
And yet, it is.
Fear is part of our wiring, deep in our DNA and deep in the circuitry of our brains. It keeps us safe -- sometimes super-safe. Which is the problem.
There is a central life coaching question: "Where do you want to be?" (Few people seek out coaching because everything is great, they are happy, and life is where they want it to be.)
The next question is "What keeps you from getting there?" When I dig in with clients, that question often hits against external barriers. Things the client can't change.
But dig long enough and dig deep enough, and you hit fear. Fear is what often keeps us from getting what we want in life, from getting the life we most deeply dream about.
If fear is a fact of life (it is), then fear isn't really as much in our way as we let it be. After all, other people (who also have fears) have made it.
What breaks through the fear, to get us to the life we want?
It is not being "fearless." That won't happen... although you can have LESS fear.
Nope.
It is COURAGE. And courage is not the opposite of fear... it is action in the direction of fear. Which is what dissipates fear.
Let's talk about fear... and more important, courage... in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES We ALL Have Fears Facing Fears Your Fierce Life Book: Thrive Principles Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living
Six months. That is how far we are into the pandemic... at least in the US. Yes, I know. There were cases before then. But March marks the start of the social effects of pandemic. Lock down. Restrictions. Social distance. Six months.
And many people are feeling the effects! I would go so far as to saying most, but plenty would contact me to tell me that they are not.
If you are feeling the effects, I am speaking to you. Do you find yourself just... listless? Out of sorts? Lost in things to do, but not getting them done?
That feeling you are having is not a new one, just from the pandemic. It dates back to the ancient Greeks. It was an idea that Christian writers discussed as the distraction of monks and others. In fact, it was a thought process Christian writers warned against, as it can spiral.
And here we sit, 1/2 of a year into feeling the effects of a pandemic. And many people are feeling just a bit... acedic. The term for this feeling was Acedia. That listless, not caring, ought-to-be-doing-something restlessness, where nothing actually gets done.
Is that the feeling you have?
It is perfectly normal... which is different than saying it is helpful. So while it is no surpirse you are feeling it, let's talk about the acedia antidote.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Coping with Covid Series Hope During These Days LeeBaucom.com My Book Page
I'm not an athlete, I told myself. I was the last chosen for teams pretty much every time. And more often than not, admittedly, I dropped the ball or didn't run fast enough. So I lived up to the low expectations of being a teammate.
That kept me believing that I was not an athlete. And so, I never tried to be athletic.
Years later, when I was recovering from being sick, I decided I needed to get into shape. I was motivated by a scuba class when I realized how out of shape I was. I dragged myself into the weight room, so I wouldn't embarrass myself in class. I took to the pool for the same reason.
And I slowly got into shape. Which led to a friend asking if I wanted to adventure race. Why not? I might as well, I reasoned. Then, I trained and completed a trail marathon. And ran quite a few 5k's. Not an athlete, though.
Then, at a conference, someone told me she wanted to write a book, but she "wasn't a writer." I asked what she was doing. She wrote every single day. And she had lots of pieces put together for her future book. But, she "wasn't a writer."
I noted to her that writers do one thing. They write. She was writing, ergo she was a writer!
Then I went for a run. And thought about that discussion. Runners are athletes. Runners run. I was running. Ergo, I was a runner... and maybe an athlete?
My mindset had tripped me up. I had myself in a fixed mindset. And to get to a better place, I needed to shift to a growth mindset.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss Dr. Carol Dweck's concept of growth and fixed mindsets from her book, Mindset. A fixed mindset keeps us stuck. But a growth mindset always gives room for growth and change.
Listen in to discover where your mindset is stuck... and how to shift it to growth.
RELATED RESOURCES Mindset Book Your Different "Can'ts" What I Learned From Jiu Jitsu Link To My Books On Thriving
Well, you are on to me! Last week, I started talking about things you can do to guarantee that you DON'T thrive. I'm sure you knew I didn't really want you to NOT thrive. But I wanted to point out some ways people make themselves miserable... and what they might do to shift.
If you missed that episode, JUST CLICK HERE TO HEAR IT.
It is interesting to notice how we humans can really mess up our lives! Life throws us enough to deal with. Then, we tend to multiply it with our own blind spots and stuck points.
With my Top 10 List To Guarantee You Don't Thrive, I wanted to point out 10 ways that people really do keep themselves stuck. And the fact is, I see these same patterns repeated over and over by many people.
So, if you see yourself in one (or more) of the stuck points, that just means you are... well... human. Congratulations on being able to spot it! That is the first step in doing something different... something new... something more... THRIVING!
Listen in below for the REST of the ways you can keep from thriving... so you can thrive! (Unless you don't want to... then just follow my suggestions.)
RELATED RESOURCES How To NOT Thrive, Part 1 Control What You Can Dealing with Stress Gratitude Feedback Meaning & Purpose Make An Impact Book: Thrive Principles
Over the years, I have tried to learn to thrive. And I have tried to teach others how to thrive... even getting other experts to do the same.
But today, just for a moment, let's assume you DON'T want to thrive. In fact, you want to... well, do the opposite of thriving! You want to be miserable and live a smaller life. You want to feel stuck and frustrated. (I'm not going to even explain WHY you would want to do that... let's play a little mental game and pretend you just don't want to thrive.)
What then?
How would you go about NOT thriving? How would you really make yourself as miserable as possible?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I start in on my Top 10 List of How NOT To Thrive. I cover 5 top ways to NOT thrive in this episode, and follow up with the other 5 in the next episode.
Why in the world would I do this?
Because if you know how to NOT thrive, then you can NOT do the NOT's. You can do the opposite, and move toward thriving. It is also a good way to run through the list and see if you find yourself falling into any of the non-thriving traps. They are all around us! And sometimes, we are doing them... not even realizing it.
Listen below for part 1 of How To Guarantee You Don't Thrive.
RELATED RESOURCES: It Isn't Personal It IS What It IS Forgiving Hard Isn't The Question Dealing with Fear Book: Thrive Principles
Wow! What a time in history, right? A pandemic rages. Division is pulling us apart. Sometimes, it seems easier just to crawl under a rock and hide.
But hiding isn't the solution. And you have more to offer than hiding. You are built to engage the world, to make a difference.
Then why do we "play small"? When there should be more to life? More for YOU to do in life? More your life should be about?
That life you are thinking about... that is the Engaged Life. Living with more engagement, more depth, more meaning... more purpose.
Over the years, this has been a fairly constant refrain from clients: "There should be more to life than THIS." There is....
Engaging in life. Being engaged in life.
Living a bit deeper... a bit wider.
Over the years, 3 P's have emerged as the Path to living an engaged life. Those 3 P's: Passion, Purpose, and Presence.
When you are focused on building those 3 areas, your Engaged Life builds.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I cover the 3 P's of Living an Engaged Life. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning and Purpose in Life Amped Engagement Showing UP in Life We Have Fears Book: Thrive Principles
One of my favorite authors and experts is Jack Canfield. He has my full respect. My kids grew up with Chicken Soup For The Soul. I "grew up" with The Success Principles, a book that gave me a plan to shift my mindset.
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to interview Jack. It was such a great interview, I wanted to share it again. If you have already heard it, listen for something new. If you haven’t, it is a great opportunity to hear from Jack.
Jack and I really got into some important topics. We talked about being 100% responsible (one of his Principles), and what that means.
One of my favorite principles is the equation, E + R = O (event + response = outcome). We had a chance to discuss that equation in-depth. This is a crucial formula for thriving in life.
As we discussed fear, Jack talked about the fact that fear is NOT a stop sign. It is simply a caution sign. And then Jack discussed a way to even eliminate that fear (a slight movement away from the "feel the fear and do it anyway" idea from his earlier work).
Is your life where you want it to be? If not, please listen in and discover how to start getting there. Jack gives specific steps to take.
If you want to learn more, go to TheSuccessPrinciples.com, or GRAB HIS BOOK right here.
You can find the interview below.
RELATED RESOURCES Jack's Website and Resources More on Responsibility Dealing with Fear
Sometimes, it seems that any change in life has to be a 180° turn... starting or stopping something you were not doing or doing. And sometimes, that is important. You might stop smoking, start exercising, or make some other major shift in life.
But in reality, more of growth in life is really about continued improvement. This matches the Japanese idea of kaizen, or "change for the better." This is the concept behind many manufactoring processes -- small incremental changes that amount to bigger cumulative improvement.
That can apply to your life! It probably already does, but can you make it more intentional? For example, let's say I start exercising. I go for a 20 minute run/walk. That might be a 180° change -- I started doing something I wasn't doing. But then what? I would likely not just stay with that. I might add more time, more distance, or maybe run for a higher percentage. Gradual improvements that add up to more change.
Which leads to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. I cover 3 moves you can make for a better day. Two of the moves involve one tool I have used with my coaching clients for years. It is a powerful process that has led to some pretty amazing transformations.
The other is just one to add in... or constantly improve... depending upon whether it is already a part of your life or not.
If you are ready to build a better day, these 3 moves can be the key. And guess what? It will only shift 30 minutes of your day. All for a huge shift in life!
You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Personal Kaizen Being Growth Oriented Morning Shift for a Better Day Evening Shift for a Better Day Grab the Thrive Journal - NOW AVAILABLE!
Is worry robbing you of living? Are you putting more energy into worry thoughts than you want to, leaving you less energy for where you want to spend your thoughts (and your life)?
Most people do. Worry is an aimless attempt to locate threats and mitigate them. Why aimless? Because worry can shift from topic to topic, issue to issue, person to person, without action or direction.
In the last Thriveology Podcast episode, I noted 6 truths about worrying. This was to provide a background understanding for taking action. Action to reduce your worry. Which, as promised, is the topic of this episode.
I cover 7 strategies that will help you reduce your worry (and wasted worry energy) and let you make a mental shift to more helpful thoughts.
If you worry, this episode is for you. If you worry that you worry too much, this episode is definitely for you! Tune in to learn how to reduce your worries -- and deal with worries as they pop up.
RELATED RESOURCES 6 Truths about Worry How To Stress Less Dealing with Anxiety Dealing with Depression Thrive Principles Book My Other Books
How much do you worry? How often do you find yourself thinking about things that could go wrong? Things that might happen to those you love? Things that might happen to you?
Worry is a common issue for people. And sadly, worry robs us of living. It costs us lots of energy, and exposes us to fears over possible events -- not actual events.
When we worry, we focus on the future, what could happen. Which draws us away from what is happening. What is happening in this moment, in actuality.
Unfortunately, for many, worry is a habit. It happens almost automatically. Worry robs people of sleep, of connection, and of presence. Many people struggle to get to sleep, worried about what might happen. Many people connect less, since they are worried about what might happen. And people are less present, since they are focused on what might happen.
There are some truths to worry that we need to understand, if we are going to turn down the "worry dial." These truths point to why people worry, why it is a waste, and how to begin shifting away from worry.
Listen below. And in the next episode, I will share some strategies for worrying less.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Anxiety The Beating Depression Series The Less Fear Series Thrive Principles Book
How are you sleeping? If you are like the majority of Americans, at least one night a week, not well! And if you are like over 1/3rd of workers, you are not getting the recommended minimum of sleep. Which is why more than 40% of people use some over-the-counter product to get to sleep (which does not include the number of people using a prescribed product for sleep).
Research is pretty consistent: adults need somewhere between 7 and 9 hours of nightly sleep in order to be healthy. More than 9 can indicate a problem. And less than 7 can lead to health problems like obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, and even diabetes. It also has a psychological toll.
But if you are struggling with getting sleep, none of what I just wrote comes as a surprise... which is why you are trying to get the rest you need.
In this week's Thriveology Podcast, I discuss 5 strategies for betting better sleep. Most are simple, but all are important, if you struggle to get the rest you need. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Thriving Body series End Your Day on a High Note 5 Ways to Shift Your Day from Stressful to Restful Breathe for Health and Calm Thrive Principles Book
Have you ever had the experience of a doctor telling you what was wrong with you, and even if you couldn't really do anything, it helped to know what it was? Maybe it was just an ache or pain, a small illness. Just having a name for it -- even some fancy latin term (or maybe especially some latin term) -- somehow makes it seem better. Naming something helps us feel some control.
This pandemic has stripped us of many feelings of control. It more often feels like life is disrupted and dangerous. Early in the pandemic -- but far enough in that it was clear we were headed down a long path -- I was wondering why it took me so long to process that we were in for a long-haul... with implications for every segment of life. Why had I "missed" the signs?
Denial. That is what I realized. I had been playing the denial game.
Which reminded me that I was experiencing a grief response. I was in grief! From the pandemic. Well, the pandemic losses and impact.
Over the next few weeks, as I talked with individuals and organizations, I noticed that we were all in collective grief, as well as experiencing the individual grief. And as the pandemic has continued, I have noticed that people are experiencing the different stages of grief at different times. That very fact seems to be at the root of much of the struggles I see played out on social media and regular media. Clashing stages.
Still, stages. Grief comes in stages. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross noted 5 stages. Her colleague, David Kessler, has more recently added a potential 6th stage (an aspirational stage for many). The point of describing the stages is not so much to force people on through the stages. It is more for being able to name the stage for what it is. The capacity of looking at where you are and naming the stage gives a sense of control. And when we have some sense of control, we can choose whether we are where we want to be, or if we would rather shift. The shift becomes an option.
Or we can just name the stage and know that is what we are experiencing.
What stage of grief are you in? I discuss the 5+1 stages in this week's episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Medium Article by Lee Baucom on Grief Medium Article by Lee Baucom on The Paradox of Pandemic Book by Lee Baucom, Thrive Principles Coping with Covid Series of Podcasts
What a chaotic time we are in! Even without a pandemic, it was already chaotic, what with politics and changes in society. Stir in a pandemic, and there is NO way to be calm.
Right?
Or maybe....
Maybe calm is not about what is happening around you, outside of you. Perhaps it comes from somewhere within you. Somewhere that knows you are separate from the external chaos.
Our internal response to a chaotic world can be chaos... or we might be able to find calm. Especially if we can separate our thoughts from the events and emotions. If we can find a space between what is happening and how we respond. A space that is rooted in peace.
On this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I have a chance to speak with David Dachinger and Tamara Green. David is a firefighter and a Grammy nominated music composer (quite the contrast there!). And Tamara is an author and licensed therapist.
When David was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (there IS no stage 5), his world shifted chaos from fighting fires to fighting cancer. He and Tamara realized that they needed to rally their resources to help in David's health and healing. That included meditation and mindfulness. The resources they developed are now helping others to find calm in the midst of chaos.
Not a bad goal in today's world, is it?
Listen below to hear their story and their method of bringing calm to the world through an app.
RELATED RESOURCES LovingMeditations App David and Tamara's Website Calming Your Thriving Body Episode A Thriving Breath Episode Coping with COVID Series Thrive Principles Book
I was at a book signing a while back, signing a book of mine that is a few years old. This person picked it up, looked at the publication date, put it down, and said, "I was looking for something more recent."
That had me pondering... how long is information valid? Sure, I would not likely want to read a computer book about the Windows 98 operating system, or about the coming "Y2K crisis." But what about transformational information? When does that lose value?
Human brains have not changed in structure for millenia. Which is why we still garner insight and understanding from books written millenia ago. Ancient thoughts and texts still illuminate us these days.
Which brings me to my guest this week on the Thriveology Podcast. I asked Donald Robertson to talk with me about some pretty old thoughts. No, Donald is not millenia old. But the philosophy he espouses and teaches is. Donald is a modern Stoic philosopher, drawing on ancient Stoicism and what it offers to us in our current world.
And in our current pandemic situation, Stoic thought has LOTS to teach us. In fact, Stoic thought is the underlying philosophy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the cornerstone of modern mental health counseling.
Donald discusses the relevance of Stoic philosophy in today's world, and how we can apply it to the pandemic in which we find ourselves. Listen in as Donald Robertson gives some powerful help in dealing with our thoughts and our emotions in the midst of today's (and future) struggles.
RELATED RESOURCES DonaldRobertson.name ModernStoicism.com What Thriving People Know About Thoughts Your Thoughts, Your Stories Live Each Day as THE Day
When I was a kid, I hit this point when I was growing fast. So fast that my limbs hurt, I constantly tripped, and knocked everthing over as my hand got there before I expected. Growth was a challenge.
Generally, though, it works the other way. When we are challenged (and take it on), we grow. A child wants to crawl, then walk, then run. But wanting to is not the same as being able to. Crawling ends up being a bellyflop. Walking leads to teetering bottom-bumps. And running... well, that just leads to face-plants. But so far, I have never seen a child give up and say, "Well, I just can't do that. I guess I'm not meant to crawl/walk/run." The child just tries again.
Challenge is something we can rise to, expand into. And when we do, challenge is the impetus for growth.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I talk with Steve Sims. At the age of 15, Steve finished his schooling in England, and stepped right into what seemed to be his destiny: masonry. Just like his father, his grandfather, his uncles, and his cousins. In an instant of inspiration, Steve looked at his family and realized this was not his destiny. As he told me, it was not that he was better than his family, but that he thought there was something better for him.
That set him on a search for his own destiny, a way to see the world and meet people with different viewpoints and lifestyles. This twisted path has led to now. Through taking on challenges and growing through them.
Listen in as Steve and I discuss his life, his challenges, and the success of taking on those challenges.
RELATED RESOURCES: Steve's Website for More Information The Power of a Challenge Learn or... Learn Act or Accept
It happens about 25,000 per day. And for the most part, it is automatic. But it is one of the few bodily functions that you can "take off automatic" and choose how you will do it. And you might not be doing it optimally.
What is it?
Breathing. Taking a breath. Inhaling and exhaling.
I know, it seems automatic, right? But you can choose to take a deep breath. Or you can hold your breath. You may breathe out of your nose. Or you may breathe with your mouth (you may want to change that one... listen to the podcast for why).
Breathing one way can stress you out. Breathing another way will calm you down (meaning, you can choose which way you want to breathe!).
Since you are currently reading this, we can assume you are breathing. That's a great start? How about breathing BETTER? That is a process that can take you down lots of paths.
On this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I interview James Nestor. A journalist and writer, James got interested in breathing from an ealier book, Deep, which focused on freediving (people going very deep for a long time, because they are excellent breathers).
His upcoming (and excellent) book is Breath. It is a super-deep (and very readable) "dive" into breathing -- why it is important, how to do it better, and what difference it makes.
When I heard about the book, I knew I needed to get James on the podcast, at this moment. His book won't be out until May (but go ahead and pre-order it!). But with the pandemic, you need this information now. So, I got him on! And James offered some simple, easy ways to uber-breathe to help your health.
This is super important. Take a listen below! (Then order his book!)
RELATED RESOURCES Breath - from Amazon Breath - from Bookstore.org (they support local bookstores) James Nestor's website
It's highly contagious. You can catch it from a single interaction with one person. You can catch it much faster in a crowd. You can pass it on to someone else in an instant.
You can also catch it from just reading, watching, or listening to something.
In 39 milliseconds, you have it... and you didn't even see it coming!
Coronavirus? Nope. That is certainly serious, and you absolutely want to do everything you can to avoid catching or spreading it. I do not want to minimize the risks of this pandemic.
But that is not the contagion I am focusing on here.
This contagion is fear and anxiety. Yes, you can catch fear. Yes, you can catch anxiety. And you can also spread them.
Humans have a natural wiring (we share it with the animals at the watering hole... and all the others) to pick up on fear and anxiety.
Many times, people have said, "Should I panic over this?" The "this" has been lots of different things. And my answer is always, "Panic is never a better option. Should you respond? Should you choose an action? Yes. Panic? No."
That is easier said than done. But on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I share why fear/anxiety is contagious, along with how to limit the infection. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Fear Attacking Anxiety Self-Care Order, Disorder, Reorder Lee's Thrive Books
Let me just say, I am a bit weary. How about you?
This has been a wearying time for so many of us. Nobody is unaffected by this pandemic. And we can't even point to an end to the crisis. Take a guess, and your guess is probably as good as any other.
What do we do? Everything seems to be upside-down, inside-out, and topsy-turvy. It's hard to figure out what happens next and what to do next.
Which means that some people are beginning to feel hopeless.
Early in my career, as a hospital chaplain, I saw what happens when people have hope... and when they lose hope. But I didn't really have any way to help people who were hitting hopelessness. I just saw the damage.
Thanks to other researchers, I am more clear about how we can build and hold hope, even in tough times. If you can't hold it in tough times, it just needs some boosting, and some knowledge.
Let's talk about hope, tough times, and the Hope Formula. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Stress Dealing with Loss and Grief Dealing with Depression Dealing with Fear and Anxiety Lee Baucom's Books
Did you hear about the guy who had been on a meditation retreat for a couple of weeks? He went in with "life as usual." And he emerged into a whole new world. One where people are practicing social distance, sheltering at home, and scared. One where restaurants, coffee shops, and bars are closed or limited. One where every cough is scary.
And one where we are trying to figure out the "new normal."
How are you doing with it? Feeling the stress or finding your calm? Struggling with your day, or finding a new routine for your day?
One issue with this crisis is we don't have an end date. Nor do we know how bad (or not so bad) things might be -- which is influenced by what we do as citizens and fellow humans!
How do we stay sane while we are trying to stay safe? That is my subject for this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
Let's talk about some strategies for doing your best to live your best in the midst of this crisis. Basically, how to stay sane while being safe.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Need some reading? Check out my books. CDC Info Page on the Coronavirus Crisis WHO Info Page on the Coronavirus Crisis Thriving In An Age of Panic Episode
When I recorded this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, it was almost another world. Many people were still minimizing the novel coronavirus. Even politicians were downplaying the severity and impact.
So much has changed. Many, if not most, schools are closed to face-to-face instruction. Many workers are working from home, where possible. Lots of restaurants are only serving by delivery or take-out. New guidelines suggest not being around more than 10 people... and that number may go down.
The world has changed, almost overnight.
It affects us all... making this episode just as important, if not more so.
We are going to have to define what it means to thrive. That is what happens when it feels like every day is an attempt to survive.
Here is the good news: humanity will prevail. We can thrive. Life WILL go on. But it will never be the same. Things will change. How we used to do things will disappear, but new ways will appear.
I know these are scary times. But we will get through this. Together.
That's what we do.
Lisen to the episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: CDC Information WHO Information Johns Hopkins Guide to Coronavirus Check Out My Books to Help Thrive
Happiness is a funny thing, isn't it? One day, it's right there... right in front of you. Then, just as quickly... it's gone. Why is it so hard to hold onto happiness?
Maybe more importantly, is there a way to shift into happiness, nearly at will?
I am always concerned about how lightly we take happiness. Our culture makes it THE goal, and not a part of your goal. But worse, happiness often ends up being about waiting for something to happen. Notice: HAPPy and HAPPen. Same root. It is about something out there happening to make you happy.
My guest this week, Michaela Renee Johnson, believes that happiness is really about making constant resets. It is about looking for and finding the points of happiness... not waiting for them to just happen.
After an unorthodox childhood (based on family necessity), Michaela became something of a free-spirit wanderer. She finally found her way to her calling as a psychotherapist... and spends her time helping others "speak their truth with grace and live a courageous life of authenticity." Something she did, herself.
Listen below on how to find happiness through constant reset.
RELATED RESOURCES Michaela's Website The Happiness Trap It's Not (Entirely) About Happiness Chasing Mis-Wants Thrive Principles Book
What happens when you feel hollow and lost in life, even when you are surrounded by people?
What happens when you find success... only to discover it wasn't really the success you wanted?
What happens when you realize that you've been hiding and pretending... not being yourself... even when you are with friends and loved ones?
You may just keep on pushing forward.
Or you might get real. My guest on this episode pushes the Get Real part, adding that you need to "get f***ing real." (Don't worry. We never actually say it on the episode... it isn't really a part of my vocabulary. But Lisa does make the point that this is REALLY important, getting real.
Lisa Cherney built a successful business helping others build their successful mission-focused businesses. And even with a 7-figure business... it was not the success she wanted. She was helping others follow their passion... and was losing her own.
One day, while traveling, she started jotting down some statements... some commandments... that she believed she needed to follow. About getting real. Being clear. Of being aligned.
Those statements became her "12 Commandments of Getting F***ing Real." And with that, she closed down her 7-figure business and followed her own mission. To be clear, to be real... and to help others do the same.
Listen in as Lisa and I discuss what it means to Get Real. Why it matters. And why the world needs Real people now, more than ever.
RELATED RESOURCES Lise Cherney's Website w/ 12 Commandments of Getting... Real How to Guarantee You DON'T Thrive, Part 1 How to Guarantee You DON'T Thrive, Part 2 Learn or... Learn Course Corrections and Course Changes
Most people tell me that they want something more out of life. Sometimes, they want LOTS more out of life. Usually, though, there is something else... some new point of success.
Yet, many people find themselves stuck in a cycle of "inaction" or "any action." They are taking no action toward a change. Or they randomly take action after action, with little to show for it.
Others seem to find a direct path straight to their goal. They seem to pluck success from everything they do.
What is the difference? Why do some struggle to find success, and others seem to step into success in every step?
Let's for a moment, set aside why some just seem to struggle from success to success. Let's focus, instead, on how to make a shift toward your own success. Toward finding more success and more fulfillment.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I interview Dr. Morgan Oaks. Morgan is a chiropractor, coach, and speaker. Morgan's TEDx Talk is all about listening to that deeper voice to take you to a higher place.
In our discussion, Morgan describes the 3 stages to synchronizing success, which builds on itself in a figure-8 pattern, repeating to more and more success.
Listen below for the 3 steps to success with Dr. Morgan Oaks.
RELATED RESOURCE Dr. Morgan Oaks' Website Surviving to Thriving How to Build Your Self-Esteem How to Build Your Self-Confidence How to Show Up Book: Thrive Principles
Have you ever noticed what happens when it is just a few days before you head out for vacation? If you are like most people, you go into "clear the desk" mode. Things get done. You become hyper-efficient.
Why does that happen right before a vacation? Because it HAS to get done. You want to leave with nothing hanging. So, nothing gets in your way.
What if there was a "hack" that could get you that effect the rest of the time? Would that let you work less... and still get the same amount done?
Denise Gosnell is a 3x successful entrepreneur. As a successful attorney and entrepreneur, Denise had met all of her (financial) goals. But when her house went up in flames... she realized that her (life) goals were not where she wanted them. Sure, she had stuff... she had resources. But she didn't have the life she wanted. In fact, she didn't have time for it.
Until she made a shift. Using business strategy and planning, productivity hacking, and prioritizing, Denise found she could be MORE successful with LESS time taken up by work.
And now, Denise shares that with others... whether you want more time from work or from home, you can find it, along with more life satisfaction, by tapping into the Vacation Effect.
RELATED RESOURCES Vacation Effect Website Why We Stress Shift From Stressful to Restful The Importance Matrix Your Center Point You're Gonna Die
Just a little over 2 years ago (exactly 2 years ago, as I recorded this episode of my Thriveology Podcast), I started studying jiu jitsu. At that point, I had no idea where it would go. I have a life-long interest in martial arts, but had not practiced since being a teenager (tae kwon do at that time).
I knew I wanted to try something out, to take on a challenge. And it was winter... so maybe a way to get some exercise inside would make sense. As soon as my kids (both adults) left after Christmas... and when I knew the new insurance policy was in place... I started.
It has been quite a journey! I am just a few classes away from getting the first stripe on my blue belt. My blue belt is now several months old... making me an advanced white belt! Still, I am far from where I was when I started.
At several prior junctures, I have reflected on my learning process in jiu jitsu -- and how it applies to life -- so I thought it was time for another.
And if you missed the earlier episodes, they are linked in the Related Resources below. RELATED RESOURCES Lessons Learned From Jiu Jitsu More Lessons Learned from Jiu Jitsu Even More Lessons Learned from Jiu Jitsu Growth Mindset Gracie University Gracie Jiu Jitsu Louisville (come join us!)
Are you in alignment?
I had a friend whose hips were out of alignment. It was no big deal for a long time. Just simply a matter of one leg being a bit longer than the other. But every day, she just kept on going. She walked and ran... and just lived life. Then... her back started hurting... her hips started hurting... her knees started hurting... even her ankles started hurting! The doctor was concerned that she was facing disability and lifetime pain.
The doctors worked to get her hips and legs into alignment. It was pretty simple. Just a lift in her shoes. But that little shift put her back into alignment. And suddenly, everything was working the way it should. It took awhile. But slowly, the pain disappeared.
That is a very practical way to think about alignment. But life alignment is broader than that. Are you surrounded with people who are in alignment with your goals and values? Is your work aligned with your values and purpose? Do you live in alignment and balance in life and in your body?
In this week's episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we explore life alignment with Jani Roberts and Bri Ursaner... alignment experts and pretty tough individuals. Listen in as we discuss what alignment is... and how to get there.
RELATED RESOURCES Jani and Sabrina's website MPI Triad MidLife Transition Bending Your Map
Mindfulness is such a buzzword these days that you may find yourself "tuning out" when you hear the term. Ironic, since that is quite the opposite of being mindful!
Simply put, mindfulness is the state of being present with your body in the present moment. In other words, you are aware of your bodily experience of this immediate moment.
The nice thing about mindfulness is that it is easy to practice, wherever you are and whatever you are doing. It is simply a matter of calling yourself back to this moment, in your own body.
And then... it slips away again, through distractions and thoughts. Thoughts about the past and future pull us from the present. We distract ourselves right out of the experience of living in this moment.
My guest on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, Joanne King, offers a number of pathways to mindfulness.
Of particular interest is Joanne's approach to mindful eating. How often do you find yourself scarfing down a meal, not even noticing the taste, texture, spices, smells, and ingredients... the experience of eating? I have.
According to Joanne, this means that we often eat beyond what we need... and not necessarily even what we need to eat. When people shift to mindful eating, Joanne reports, they eat better and naturally lose weight.
And... it is an opportunity to enter into mindfulness.
Join me as I discuss pathways to mindfulness with Joanne King.
RELATED RESOURCES Joanne's website Using Mindfulness to Thrive The Importance of Being Present Confidence... in the Moment
Feeling stressed out? Wondering what your doctor would say?
Surprisingly, doctors get very little training on stress, both in how it affects the body and how to deal with it. Got an injury? Great. The doctor has you covered. Got an infection? The doctor has you covered.
But stressed out? Not so much.
That was the experience of my guest, Elizabeth Hughes, MD. A practicing physician, Elizabeth was reading in the back of a medical journal about adrenal fatigue. She noticed that most of her patients suffered from the same symptoms.
And she realized that the culprit was stress. Or more accurately, the inability for her patients to successfully deal with stress. No surpise, Elizabeth realized, given how even her medical school training had failed to offer solutions.
That led Elizabeth to seek ways to help. She picked up a number of certifications in the process. But more importantly, she discovered an important antidote to stress that is simple and powerful. Since stress is implicated in many chronic illnesses and adversely affects life satisfaction, it is important for each of us to find that antidote to stress.
Listen in to this episode to learn how.
RELATED RESOURCES Elizabeth's Website Why We Stress 6 Other Ways To Deal With Stress Shifting from Stressful to Restful
Do you journal? It is a great tool for reflecting on life, processing events and emotions, and finding new perspectives.
Some people think journaling is just "adult diary-ing." And for some, a journal really is just a place to put down the events of the day (really, that is your perceptions of the events of the day). It is just a way to record what happened and move forward.
Then, others use their journal to look for themes and insights. Deeper than just a running commentary of life, journaling becomes an activity of insight and perspective.
But what happens when you want to journal, but find yourself facing an empty page... not even sure what to write? What if you actually do write something? How do you shift to a point of reflection and perspective?
Those two questions stop lots of people who want to journal from ever committing to the process. Or from actually learning from the process.
What if there was a tool that solved both of those dilemmas?
Enter my colleague, Kim Ades. Her coaching services use a journaling process to connect coach and client. But Kim knew the tool she built for that journaling had the potential to help others in their journaling... without the coaching component.
In this episode of Thriveology Podcast, Kim and I discuss the power of journaling, along with how you can try her journaling tool for free... to see the transformational power of journaling.
Listen below to learn more.
RELATED RESOURCES Kim's Journaling Tool Interview About Kim's Coaching Process Stuck in Your Story
We all face obstacles in our lives. No matter how successful, no matter how determined we are, we will have tough moments. Soul moments. Times when we have to stop, collect ourselves, let go of who we have been, and step into a new space.
Sometimes, those moments are full of tragedy.
That was the case for my guest on this episode of Thriveology Podcast. Aaron Walker, author of View From The Top, was successful... multiple times. After growing up poor, Aaron decided to make himself successful.
He started working young, finished high school early, and launched his first business. He sold that and started another. Followed by another.
And then, one day... tragedy. Big enough that Aaron tried to hide from life. (Aaron tells the story, himself, during our talk.) But life wasn't quite done yet. Aaron made a shift from success to significance.
In our discussion, Aaron reveals the cornerstones of building a life of integrity and significance. Listen in to learn more.
RELATED RESOURCES Aaron's Website Fears We All Have MPI Triad Making an Impact
January 1. Just another day.
And yet... there is something else about that day. Sure, it starts a new month. Yes, it starts a new year.
Psychologically, that new start... it matters.
We all need new starts. That is what I loved about being in school. When the semester ended, no matter how well (or poorly) I had done, it was over. The grade was locked in. Sure, I could consider what I could have done differently, but I couldn't undo anything.
I moved on to the next class. A fresh start. New assignments, new opportunities, new possibilities.
Many of us get caught in the past, trying to figure out how to undo or redo what has already happened.
For this moment, though, as the new year starts, let's look forward. Let's look to the new year and decide how we want to move forward. How we want the next year to be MORE of what we want... new opportunities and possibilities.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss some ways to start the new year strong. Listen in to find out.
RELATED RESOURCES Resolution in a Word Fresh Starts Letting Go Book: Thrive Principles
In the hustle and bustle, people lose sight of the Holidays. Sure, we go through the motions, show up to the events, and try to put on our holiday joy. But many times, internally, its a flat-line. Nothing. Nada.
Or worse... stressful.
Over the years, I have given a number of presentations about this, with title, "Merry Stress-ness and Happy Blue Year." Stressed out and depressed.
That's not a great way to spend the Holidays!
It misses something... deeper. More significant. Something that nurtures the soul and feeds the heart.
How do you deepen the Holidays for yourself (and for those close to you)? We discuss it in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Holiday Stress Finding Calm Give yourself the present of thriving - Book: Thrive Principles
Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to succeed at everything they do? They enjoy success in different areas of life... including financially.
Then, others seem to struggle over and over, making little progress toward their goal. Noah St. John refers to this as "success anorexia," people starving themselves from success -- because they don't know better!
In fact, my guest on this episode of the Thriveology podcast is Noah. The author of a number of books, Noah is also a frequent speaker, coach, and consultant with those who have tried all the other success strategies, but without success.
In his research, Noah looked at what he calls the success "naturals," to see what they might be doing... and not even noticing they are doing.
This led to his Power Habits. According to Noah, "We don't rise to the level of our goals, but fall to the level of our systems." And that is the level Noah addresses -- how to up-level your systems... and get rid of the "Head Trash," the self-defeating patterns of thought about why you can't do ______ (fill in the blank). As Noah points out, whatever self-talk we have, we make sure we are right.
Listen to our discussion below.
RELATED RESOURCES Noah's Book on Amazon Noah's Gifts at his Website My Series on Habits
What happens when one day, you wake up and realize you are overweight, deep in debt, and desperately holding onto a crumbling relationship?
If you are Adam Schaeuble, PhD ("Previously Heavy Dude"), you finally decide to make a change.
On that day, Adam finally took action... the same actions he had been putting off. This time, though, something had shifted.
Many have that moment when they are "sick and tired of being sick and tired." They finally make a shift. (I should know. I had that experience.) It is the moment of reckoning.
But for Adam, it was bigger than that. It was not just about his health, wealth, and love. It was about his meaning... his purpose. Adam wanted to make an impact on the world... in a positive way.
And that day, he took the kickstart. First, he lost weight and got into shape. He then started helping others to do the same. And soon, it was a mission for his community. But now, it is his mission for the world!
It is his Million Pound Mission. But the pounds are just markers for people regaining their health, taking control of their lives and well-being.
I met Adam at a conference a couple of times... and told him I wanted him to come on my podcast. So, I am fortunate to have him on my Thriveology Podcast. Listen below to his story and how we all can make a shift to a better life.
RELATED RESOURCES Adam's Website My Thriving Body Series MPI Triad Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living
What do you expect from life? Sometimes, our expectations can get us into trouble. Maybe you expect things to go badly. Or maybe you expect something beyond your control. Either way, your expectations trip you up.
Yet every action you take is based on expectation. Sure, you want to "live in the present moment." But present moments are often moving toward something. For example, as I sit here, I write this with an expectation that you will read it. If I expected it would not be read, I would do something else.
Or lets say I go to the fridge to open it. I didn't blindly do that. I was expecting to find something to eat (which may or may not work out... but I have an expectation).
Some people advise us to give up expectations. No expectation, no disappointment, they say.
But today, my guest disagrees. He says expectations have power. We need to tap into our expectations in order to create the life we want.
Art Costello is creator of Expectation Therapy. He says your life changes when you change your expectation. It is the seed from which we both perceive the world and grow into our better lives.
Listen in to master the power of your expectations.
RELATED RESOURCES Art Costello's Website, Expectation Therapy Kill That Sacred Cow! The Power of A Challenge Big WHY versus Little Why's
In the States, this Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. What's the point, right? Let's just jump on into Christmas season! The stores are already bustling and everything seems to be bursting with green and red.
I have nothing against Christmas. But I do think there is an important pause, a moment. A time to be thankful. Not to just say a quick word of thanks, then dive into a gut-busting meal. But to be thankful.
To practice gratitude.
Why?
Because our brain's default is on scarcity, not abundance -- what we DON'T have, not what we HAVE. Where we AREN'T, not where we ARE.
It's a matter of mindshift. A choice to shift to abundance, gratitude, and thankfulness. Not just allowing our default setting to take over, looking at the scarcity and the lack. At what scares us.
In this week's Thriveology Podcast, I discuss "Why Thankful?" Why should we even make the shift?
I wish you a very thoughtful, thankful day filled with gratitude, wherever you are!
RELATED RESOURCES What Thriving People Know About Gratitude and Appreciation Giving Thanks How To Guarantee You DON'T Thrive Living Your Engaged Life Book: Thrive Principles: 15 Strategies for Building a Thriving Life
Most people want to be in better health. In fact, I have yet to run into anyone telling me, "I just wish I was in worse health." We all want to be in better health!
But for many, that is confusing. There is so much conficting information. One day, you eat one thing or drink one thing, and it seems that just a few days later, that is detrimental for your health. Or vice versa!
How confusing it can be! It can be hard to feel confident in your choices. And yet, health is always about choices. Sure, we have those pesky genes that we are born with. But did you know that much of our health is not based in the genes we have, but how they are expressed? And did you know that the expression of genes is based in what we are exposed to in our environment? What is around us, and what we put in us, affects how those genes affect us.
When I got sick, I kept digging for information (and found lots of mis-information). I felt like I was guessing. But I kept on guessing. I got lucky and found some decent resources.
What I would have loved was someone who brought a scientist's mind, and a fellow traveler's heart, to the process. Someone who could point the way with some clarity to me.
This week, my guest is Maureen Vincenty. A former scientist with NASA and the EPA, Marueen used her inquisitive mind to find the resources. And she used her experimenting mind on herself as the guinea pig. Suffering from auto-immune illness and issues, Maureen was determined to figure out her path to health and healing.
Long into having found her own healing, Maureen has worked to help many others find their own health and healing by discovering choices that make a difference.
That approach allows Maureen to tackle what amounts to 90% of healthcare these days: lifestyle-based diseases. And that approach can help you find healing, too.
In our interview, Maureen offers her 5 Pillars of Health, telling you exactly how to activate each pillar.
It turns out that much of my stumbling and guessing lines up with exactly what Maureen suggests. I just wish I had the information at hand when I needed it. You do.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Maureen Vincenty's Website for Resources The Thriving Body Series Your Thriving Breathing
If you are alive, you will feel pain. For some, it is just a little here and a little there. For others, pain is chronic and constant. Maybe just a little or maybe a lot.
Since I tend to be on the active side, I tend to have lots of bumps and bruises. And at one point in my life, when I was suffering from an illness, I had significant pain. Which means I am on the lookout for how to find pain relief that does not include a pill to take.
After years of dealing with chronic pain, my guest was searching for a way to heal her own pain. And in the process, she has developed an approach that has helped many others to find pain relief without medication or medical intervention. Oftentimes, when those interventions have already failed!
Sharon Smith applies an approach that is simple and straightforward. It integrates physical healing with emotional release, reducing pain and releasing stuck emotions.
Often, when we talk about emotional issues and concerns, we use physical images: someone being a "pain in the neck," wanting someone to "get off your back," and many others. Why? Because there is a link between emotional pain and physical pain (and vice versa).
In our discussion, Sharon helps me with a little elbow pain that leads to some insight for me. And she also has some resources for you to get started with your own pain.
Join us. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Sharon's Website, aPainPlan.com Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain Appreciation and Pain Relief
What prison holds you?
We ALL have some prison in our lives. Maybe there aren't any real bars and locked doors. But it still keeps us stuck, trapped and unable to grow. It might be a way of thinking, a relationship, a job. It may be just your own view of yourself and your capacities. But something keeps us stuck.
Is it possible to break free? To escape the prisons in our lives?
According to my guest on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, is not only possible... it is crucial!
Marian McSpadden discovered that she was trapped in a life... a belief system... that kept her from becoming her truest and best self.
So, she planned her escape! And she broke free. In her case, quite literally. Was it easy? No. Was it worthwhile? Marian says, "Absolutely!"
And so, Marian is out to help others find their freedom from their own prison. If you are stuck, caught in a belief system, a relationship, a job, or something else, discover your path out, your escape route!
Listen in as Marian McSpadden and I discuss the power of breaking free from your prison.
RELATED RESOURCES Marian's Website with Helpful Resources Getting Un-Stuck Dealing with Fear Fear and Courage KNAC Protocol
Tough conversations are, well, tough. You know, those conversations you know you need to have... but avoid having them. Maybe you aren't comfortable with the topic. Or maybe it feels risky to have that conversation.
Here is the problem: when we avoid tough conversations, we also avoid real engagement. And we miss the opportunity for deeper connection, more intimacy... and importantly, the opportunity for resolution!
My guest on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast is a returning guest. Always about "keeping it real," David Wood returns to discuss how to have those tough conversations. David says he is an evangelist for tough conversations, trying to spread the word on how important those convos are!
But more than that, David wants to share a process of how to have those tough conversations on difficult issues. In his 4 step process (plus 1 "pre"-step), David reveals a method of how to have the conversations you've been ducking and avoiding. You just have to follow the steps (and he has a special tool available to help you with it).
Stop avoiding the tough conversations. Learn how to have them. Learn to resolve the underlying issues. And watch your life expand.
RELATED RESOURCES David's Website for Free Resource Earlier Podcast with David Dealing with Anxiety Showing Up in Live Finding MORE in Life
Have you been to the Self-Help area of a bookstore lately? We are awash with books on happiness. There are lots of articles on happiness. And lots of trainings and courses on happiness. Heck, I have even addressed it many times before.
So, why aren't we happy? Why haven't we made a shift, as a culture, to higher levels of happiness?
Many times, people keep looking "out there" for what will finally make them happy. Something needs to "happen" to make them "happy."
Maybe... just maybe... we are looking in the wrong place. In the wrong direction. We are looking "out there," when the potential has been "in here" the whole time.
She calls herself "the Happiness Generator" and in this episode, Amy Huentelman discusses how you can generate happiness... from the inside! By getting out of your head and into your deeper self. Your True Self.
And not by waiting for something to shift "out there," but how to make the shift "from within."
If you want some help in making that shift, and in learning how to generate happiness, listen in to this episode.
RELATED RESOURCES: Free 10 Minute Process from Amy (audio) The Happiness Trap Chasing Happiness Away Chasing Mis-Wants Don't Believe Everything You Think!
Long ago, way back in one of my college classes on death and dying, the professor told us that our death rituals -- the funeral, visitation, etc. -- were our ways of "reweaving the cloth of our community" after a loss.
Grief has a process. It is our internal response to loss, that is about how we move through and beyond that loss.
Yet in our culture, we tend to have an impatience with grief and the grieving. With the best of intentions, we sometimes push people to move through their grief. And we push ourselves to move through our grief.
We want those grieving to find happiness again. And as we grieve, we want to stop hurting.
Which often only serves to disrupt grief, prolonging or curtailing the healing that needs to come after a loss. In our attempts to "speed it along," we slow it down or cut it off.
My guest on this episode, Sarah Nannen, knows this first-hand. With 4 young children, Sarah was widowed when her active-duty husband died in a training accident.
In the aftermath, Sarah had to follow her own instincts to find space for her grief... and then she found herself once again among the living.
Since then, Sarah has been helping others do the same. She wrote a book, Grief Unvealed, and helps others to find empowerment as they process their own grief.
Who is this episode for? If you are alive... you! Because every single one of us will be (or have been) confronted by loss. Every single one of us will (or has) pass through grief.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Sarah Nannen's Website (and free Peace Meditation) Moving Through Grief Order, Disorder, Reorder Grieve Losses, Celebrate Gains Does Everything Happen for a Reason?
Are you up for a challenge?
In the last episode of my podcast, I discussed how to hold on when life is tough. That's when life is challenging you.
But what about when life isn't so challenging... where life is copacetic? Just cruising.
It's my observation that we work hard to keep life flat. We work hard to keep things smooth. Cold out? Turn on the heater. Hot out? Turn on the A/C. Keep things even... even-keeled. Flat.
We spend LOTS of energy to save the energy of dealing witb challenges, big or small.
But does that help (or harm) us? Does it keep us safe or make us fragile?
What if taking on small challenges actually gets us better prepared for bigger challenges? What if making choices to expand into life helps us deal with life encroaching upon us?
One of my "things" is to find little challenges for myself... new things to try, new activities to do, new tastes or sounds to take in, and new ways to try life.
How about you? What challenges are you taking on right now?
Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to discover the power of a challenge.
RELATED RESOURCES Learning and Life Ways to Expand Growth Mindset Lessons in Jiu Jitsu Book: Thrive Principles
Life is tough.
Not always. But along the way. And even after you get past one struggle, that doesn't mean there isn't another one up ahead. That's just the nature of life.
It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or that the world, God, or the Universe is out to teach you a lesson. It's just the nature of life.
You may notice 2 crowds. First is the "Grind Culture" that just says to suck it up, keep on grinding, and MAKE it work. They have a point that you have to get through some tough times. But sometimes, it is wise to step back and ask if the fight is worth it.
Then there is the "Sign Culture." That group tells you that any struggle is an indication you are on the wrong path, that something is wrong with you, and that life "should" be easy... if you are doing it right. They have a point that sometimes, a struggle is pointing to you moving the wrong way... swimming upstream. But the fact is, life means struggles... at times.
So what do you do to hold up when life gets you down?
We discuss it... and 5 things to do... on this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Does Everything Happen for a Reason? Dealing with Emotional Pain Facing Fears Accepting What Is Book: Thrive Principles - 15 Strategies for Building YOUR Thriving Life
What's your WHY? Your BIG WHY? Why you are here. The WHY that is your life purpose?
I think we all have one... even if we haven't found it yet. It's there. Within us. Your first task is to find it. That's important. But finding it isn't enough. Second, you have to move toward it, work toward it... try to fulfill it. If it is big enough, it may just take you the rest of your life!
But what could get in your way??
The little "why's." Your questions about "why did this happen?", "why are things this way?", "why do I feel this way?"
Those little why's can drown out the BIG WHY. It draws our attention away from what is important. And yet, those little why's get our attention and energy. They keep us in circles, chasing after nothing helpful or useful. Just stuck.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss our BIG WHY and the little why's that keep us away from the BIG WHY.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning/Purpose/Impact Showing Up Accepting WHAT IS What Can You Control? What I Learned As A Chaplain, Pt. 1 What I Learned As A Chaplain, Pt. 2 Thrive Principles Book
We ALL want MORE out of life... right? But more of what? More toys? More stuff?
Or are we craving more of LIFE? Of living... more? Living a more full life?
I think that is it. At least, that is "it" for me. Experiencing more, connecting more, adding more purpose, living more of "me." And I suspect that is true for you, too. But sometimes, we aren't sure about how to do it.
Not whether we want to or not.
Just how to do it.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we cover how to Choose More in your life... and what to Choose More of!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES You Have to Show UP Your Impact Your Thriving Body Series Thrive Principles Book
I don't know about you, but I was raised around competition. Not so much from my parents, but from culture. In school, you compete in all sorts of tasks... trying to prove how smart, how good, how talented, how athletic, how whatever you are... compared to the others.
It doesn't stop there, but keeps on going. Win or lose. That's all that matters. Well, winning. That's what matters.
Remember Ricky Bobby from the movie, Talladega Nights? "If you ain't first, you're last!" In other words, you win... or you have lost.
(Do remember, though, that at another point in the movie, Ricky Bobby is talking with his Dad... and gets challenged: Ricky Bobby: "Wait, Dad. Don’t you remember the time you told me 'If you ain’t first, you’re last'?" Reese Bobby: "Huh? What are you talking about, Son?" Ricky Bobby: "That day at school." Reese Bobby: "Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn’t make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth… hell you can even be fifth." Ricky Bobby: "What? I’ve lived my whole life by that!" There you go... a first... a quote in a Will Ferrell movie to make a point about thriving!)
We grow up on that whole "win or learn" thing... which ties us tightly to our ego. If we win, ego boost. If we lose, ego bruise. What will others think??
Maybe it is worth making a shift.
Nelson Mandela said, "I never lose. I either win or I learn." When you don't win, you can learn! Great shift. "Losing" is an opportunity for learning. When you don't win, there is an opportunity for growth, for learning... for being better.
But it is still bound by ego. What if it isn't even the win? But the learn? Then, we either learn... or we learn.
Listen to this episode for more on winning/losing versus learning/learning.
RELATED RESOURCES What I learned in Jiu Jitsu More I learned in Jiu Jitsu Even MORE I learned in Jiu Jitsu Trial-And-Error Mindset Three Growth Mindsets Showing UP Book: Thrive Principles Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
... And show some love with a tweet by CLICKING HERE.
Well, you are on to me! Last week, I started talking about things you can do to guarantee that you DON'T thrive. I'm sure you knew I didn't really want you to NOT thrive. But I wanted to point out some ways people make themselves miserable... and what they might do to shift.
If you missed that episode, JUST CLICK HERE TO HEAR IT.
It is interesting to notice how we humans can really mess up our lives! Life throws us enough to deal with. Then, we tend to multiply it with our own blind spots and stuck points.
With my Top 10 List To Guarantee You Don't Thrive, I wanted to point out 10 ways that people really do keep themselves stuck. And the fact is, I see these same patterns repeated over and over by many people.
So, if you see yourself in one (or more) of the stuck points, that just means you are... well... human. Congratulations on being able to spot it! That is the first step in doing something different... something new... something more... THRIVING!
Listen in below for the REST of the ways you can keep from thriving... so you can thrive! (Unless you don't want to... then just follow my suggestions.)
RELATED RESOURCES How To NOT Thrive, Part 1 Control What You Can Dealing with Stress Gratitude Feedback Meaning & Purpose Make An Impact Book: Thrive Principles
Over the years, I have tried to learn to thrive. And I have tried to teach others how to thrive... even getting other experts to do the same.
But today, just for a moment, let's assume you DON'T want to thrive. In fact, you want to... well, do the opposite of thriving! You want to be miserable and live a smaller life. You want to feel stuck and frustrated. (I'm not going to even explain WHY you would want to do that... let's play a little mental game and pretend you just don't want to thrive.)
What then?
How would you go about NOT thriving? How would you really make yourself as miserable as possible?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I start in on my Top 10 List of How NOT To Thrive. I cover 5 top ways to NOT thrive in this episode, and follow up with the other 5 in the next episode.
Why in the world would I do this?
Because if you know how to NOT thrive, then you can NOT do the NOT's. You can do the opposite, and move toward thriving. It is also a good way to run through the list and see if you find yourself falling into any of the non-thriving traps. They are all around us! And sometimes, we are doing them... not even realizing it.
Listen below for part 1 of How To Guarantee You Don't Thrive.
RELATED RESOURCES: It Isn't Personal It IS What It IS Forgiving Hard Isn't The Question Dealing with Fear Book: Thrive Principles
World got you down? Maybe even looking down? It can feel overwhelming, like you just need to keep plodding ahead, keeping your head down.
But often, that is just the time we need to look up.
To the sky.
Physically and metaphorically.
When I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and flustered, when it seems there is just too much going on, too much to get done... I take a step back and look up.
And then I have a little more perspective. Little ol' me in this big ol' universe. In a world with lots more troubles than I have. Not that mine aren't important. They just aren't as grand as I can make them feel.
And metaphorically, I look up. To a higher perspective. My higher Self. I remember that it really isn't all about me, but how I bring myself into the world.
It also reminds me to be grateful. To be grateful for being in this moment, in this space. Who I am, with what I have, where I am. And to see that as "enough." It is too easy to let the "not enough's" call out to me, call me down, scare me.
But then, I look up. To pivot me out of my little thoughts and into bigger thoughts. From a higher perspective. From a place of connection. From awe.
Look up.
I discuss this more in this week's Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning/Purpose Triad Finding Your Meaning Finding Perspective Dealing With Stress Everyday Spirituality Book: Thrive Principles
There are days when you just wish that something would change. The same ol' same ol' just seems to roll along. And then there are the days you wished that things wouldn't change. What happened? How did things turn upside down?
One simple word to explain both situations: Life.
If you don't find that comforting, let's call it the cycle of life. Because cycles keep on rolling. If you can't wait for a change, no worries. Things will change. If things seem so be changing on all sides, guess what? Change will stop. Things will re-configure.
In life, we are always moving through a cycle: Order, Disorder, Reorder. The first can get a little old and stale. But at least it is predictable and... maybe even feels safe. Then comes the call, the letter, the diagnosis, the pink slip, or maybe just the next step. A child goes off to college, you finish college, a friend moves away, you move away. Something shifts and throws you into disorder.
It is a tough spot. Painful and grief-ful. But life does not stop there. We move through it, find a new way to keep on moving. And life re-orders. It is a new order. But it is the re-order.
And at some point, the reorder becomes the order. And the cycle repeats. From the day we are born until the day we die.
The question is how we move through the cycle... not IF, but HOW.
Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast for moving through the Order/Disorder/Reorder Cycle.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Grief Dealing with Depression Dealing with Anxiety Midlife Meaning and Purpose What Is IS What Is Book: Thrive Principles
"How did I end up here?," my client asked. He told me that for so long, he thought he was headed in the right direction. Now, he thinks maybe it was the entirely wrong direction.
I asked him, "Did you course correct along the way?" He looked at me rather quizzically. So, I elaborated, "If you are sailing, you point the boat toward some object in the distance, in the direction you want to sail. You sail toward it. But the winds push, the current pushes, and you end up a little off-course. So, you course correct."
But then, I added: "Sometimes, you realize that where you thought you wanted to go is not really where you want to go... or maybe it isn't safe to go. Maybe a storm or something else. But you have to go somewhere else. So, you change course."
And I continued, "Then there are the times when you don't course-correct as you go, and the small space of being off-course begins to broaden as you go. What might have been just a course correction at the beginning is now a course change."
Then I returned to our dialogue and asked, "So, did you course correct... or is this a course change?"
Just to be clear: either is fine. We all have the option of course changes in life. Sometimes, it is just a course correction. But it is okay if you need a course change.
It's a part of life.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore the difference between a course correction and a course change. What does it look like, and when is it time for a change?
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Book: Immutable Laws of Living Dealing with Change How Are You Showing Up Meaning and Purpose
Over 40 million people. Every year. That is the number who suffer from insomnia, in the United States alone. It's just a little "missed sleep," right? Maybe a little cranky in the morning, but nothing that a cup of coffee can't fix. Right?
Wrong.
First, insomnia is incredibly frustrating. When you want to sleep, but can't, it is frustrating. Especially if everyone else is peacefully slumbering everywhere else in your house!
Second, a lack of sleep is detrimental to our mental and physical well-being. Each year, more studies show how important sleep is. It is implicated in anxiety and depression. It is tied to higher rates of accidents. It contributes to high blood pressure, diabetes, dementia, weight gain, and many other chronic issues.
Let alone that crankiness that can make the day so hard!
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I discuss curing insomnia with Ruth Stern. After suffering from insomnia for 19 years, Ruth set out to find a solution. A trained therapist, Ruth turned to an energy psychology technique to help herself to heal from insomnia. An overnight cure? Nope. But it worked. And has worked for many others.
Listen in as Ruth Stern and I discuss curing insomnia.
RELATED RESOURCES Your Thriving Body Series Starting And Ending Your Day Right Dealing with Depression and Anxiety Grab Ruth Stern's Healing Your Sleep Now Mini-Training HERE
How's your life going? The way you want? Or not quite? Do you want to "level up" and play a bigger game? Have a bigger life?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I chat with David Wood, successful-entrepreneur-turned-life-coach. Nope, not a business coach (although he does some of that), but a life coach. Helping successful people "level up" to more success.
While David had been successful in his work, something was missing -- connection. Tied to an early childhood trauma (we talk about it), David decided to "play it safe" with relationships... and then realized that "playing it safe" kept him disconnected and distant.
How?
Playing bigger. Taking risks. Daring. And Caring.
David starts with a question, "What if we are living in a maze, running it every day? We can keep doing that, or we can step back and decide to play it bigger."
Using his 3 Pillars and 4 Point Plan, David points the way to anyone wanting to play on a bigger field. To play "full out" in the game of life -- which David notes is a very important game!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: David Wood's Website (Free Assessment and/or Free Session) My Interview with Jack Canfield Fear and Your Life Showing Up
We have a sectional couch. My spot is right in the corner. I can sit one way, stretch my legs out the other way. And my dog, Ziggy, settles in right beside me. Why do I tell you that? Well, when I am crammed into that corner, you might say I am "balanced." No way will I fall over, in any direction. I'm propped up and held in position.
Other than that, balance is something I work at. You do, too. Even if you aren't aware of it. We humans stand on two feet. Quite a balancing accomplishment. Your legs and feet are constantly readjusting, trying to keep you upright. You are, in other words, always a bit off-balance. Walking? Simply falling forward and catching yourself. Balance... not so much.
Then, you open up tons of self-help literature that tells you that happiness comes from "balance in life." But what if balance is... well... a myth?
The challenge is in trying to find some balance, deciding what to balance, and when to be off-balance.
If you follow me and my podcast much, you know that I have been doing jiu jitsu for nearly 1 1/2 years. That pretty much makes me an advanced white belt (soon to be blue, though). And along the way, it became clear that the moves work sometimes because I have established a balanced spot ("base" would be the term), and at times because I am willing to be off-balanced, shifting momentum in my favor. Same in life. Sometimes, I need to find my base. But many times, to get the momentum, I need to be a bit off-balance.
And if you have found yourself thinking, "I need to find balance," let me (and my guest) go ahead and shoot that down. It is the myth of balance you need to know and understand.
This week, I interview Jarrod Castillo. When I first met Jarrod, he was in the middle of a ballroom, doing a handstand. And he was the only one doing it. That caught my attention.
Jarrod and I discuss the myth of balance and why that is so important to understand. Join me for a great interview with Jarrod (Wolf).
RELATED RESOURCES Show Up What Can You Control? Responsibility Jarrod's Website
Your subconscious mind is constantly active, constantly scanning your world. It controls our choices and actions, emotions and feelings. Scanning for threats, it is relying on old scripts and patterns.
And that is why our subconscious is often running us, not the other way around. It is running our lives, not working as a tool for a better life.
Dot Campbell is trying to turn that around. She is out to show the world how to use their subconscious mind as a tool.
While most people believe their conscious mind (the judging, analyzing part of your mind) is in charge of decisions. But the subconscious mind, always accumulating information and running your emotions, often runs the show.
Join me as Dot and I discuss her 3A's of using your subconscious mind to build a better life.
RELATED RESOURCES Fear Gets You Using Fear Showing Up Dot's Book, You're Not The Boss Of Me
Did you know that repetitive dieting and relentless exercise can actually break your metabolism? Your body has an amazing capacity of adjusting to circumstances around you. If you simply drop your caloric intake, your body will assume there is a famine... and will reduce your metabolism.
If you take part in "chronic cardio," endless cardio exercise (running, biking, climbing machines, treadmills, etc.), even if the heart monitor tells you that your pace is in "fat burning zone," your body will quickly adjust... and you will suffer diminishing returns.
Unless you "hack" your approach, dialing back to an older energy method of your body. That is the heart of the ketogenic approach.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, the "High Energy Girl," Tracee Gluhaich, joins me for a discussion of her own story through diets, and how she coaches people toward healing their metabolism... and healing their relationship with food.
Tracee was raised on body-shaming beliefs that put her on a course (crash-course) through a multitude of diet and exercise approaches. Until it all fell apart.
From there, Tracee had to rebuild, relearn, and heal. Now, she helps people to heal their metabolism. And she helps women to heal their relationship with food... many people trying to fill their void with food.
Join me as Tracee and I explore food, emotions, metabolism, and healing.
RELATED RESOURCES Tracee's Website (And Her Resources) Your Thriving Body Mastering Habits
I've rolled and been rolled, tapped and been tapped. My journey into jiu jitsu continues!
Since my last post on lessons I have learned in jiu jitsu (LIFE lessons -- not just jiu jitsu moves and techniques), I've continued on my journey. The first time I posted, I was just a few months into my study. When I completed my Combatives belt (a Gracie standard), I added a second post.
This past month, I hit another achievement, having been awarded my Blue belt. So, it is time for a bit more reflection and thought.
After 16 months of fairly intense study, I realize that the deeper I dig, the more there is to learn. Kind of like life. Something seems so simple... until you start in. Then, things become far more complex.
Mastery is the point when the complex becomes simple again. And I am far from that.
Join me as I explore 5 more lessons I've learned (and relearned) from my time studying jiu jitsu.
RELATED RESOURCES Lessons Learned From Jiu Jitsu More Lessons Learned from Jiu Jitsu Growth Mindset Gracie University Gracie Jiu Jitsu Louisville (come join us!)
Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to think through a problem that we just get stuck. Our minds tend to spiral on the same thoughts over and over... not really giving any new information or help.
"What should I do?" is usually followed by an almost endless loop of "What should I do?" Or worse yet, we take action, but then realize that our thinking was more limited than we thought.
There HAS to be a better way, right?
According to Greg Lee and Antonia Van Becker, there is! We just have to shift from listening to our thoughts. It is not shifting to listen to someone else... not a friend, spouse, relative, or even a therapist or coach (OK, you may want to consult with someone else, but that is not the only place).
So, where do you turn? As it turns out, not too far from your mind. Just a bit, ummm, down.
To your body.
Let me freely admit that for lots of years, I chose to NOT listen to my body. I lived from the neck, up. It would seem that one day, my body decided to get my attention. And let's just say that the resulting mess was painful and scary. But my body got my attention!
Even if I didn't know how to listen at that moment, I knew I needed to pay attention to it.
Greg and Antonia take it much further. They suggest you can even ask your body for guidance... and your body will, well, guide you.
In this episode of the podcast, Antonia and Greg share what it means to "listen to your body." And they share 6 steps to follow when you hit a tipping point in your day (or your life).
Listen below!
RELATED RESOURCES 3 Powerful Toos To Inner Wisdom SelfHealthInstitute.com Your Thriving Body Series
We can fail in so many ways. Often, it is just a matter of stumbling through, not looking for a better path. We forge new paths to failure. That is often "life on automatic."
If someone has succeeded, though, they leave a trail. The more people who succeed that same way just make the trail more clear, the path easier to follow. Success always leaves a trail. Everywhere in life.
When I wanted to write a book, I knew I could stumble through... and maybe I would succeed.
Or maybe I would fail.
An easy way to fail? Never figuring out how to start. Never writing. That would certainly keep me from writing a book. But there were lots of other ways to fail at it.
Or... I could talk to others who had done it.
Success leaves a trail.
Corey Poirier is a professional speaker. But he has another distinction. He has interviewed over 5000 high-achievers. And over time, he noticed some common traits of high-achievers.
I had a chance to interview Corey... while he was getting rushed out of his hotel room! The life of a speaker!
Anyway, in our interview, Corey shared the 5 top traits of high-achievers. These traits are not just about business (although they apply there). They are also about life!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Corey Poirier's Website Success and Purpose Boundaries Best Start To The Day
What is "reality"? Is it "out there" or in us? Or more importantly, is there something about us that creates our experience of reality? And if so, can we somehow find a way to "re-write" reality in a way that shifts it to more of what we want and less of what we don't want?
There are plenty of philosophical wonderings in there. Lots of spiritual traditions have tried to tackle this one. Are we dreamers or being dreamed? Do we construct everything we experience? Is there only what we see and experience? Do we "cause" everything that happens to us? Is this just one big hallucination/delusion/matrix?
Big questions that can keep us thinking for a long time. And yet, the thinking may not mean anything to our daily lives.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I interview Carl Hunter. At one point in his life, things were not going the way that Carl wanted. He was adrift, unhappy, and frustrated that he couldn't make headway.
So, he started searching. Was there some way to make a shift? To build a life the way he wanted it to be?
In his search, a friend told him about a course that the friend's family member was going through. That course promised to help people build a life they wanted... through the process of "reprogramming the sub-conscious."
Carl didn't know if he believed in the process. But he had nothing to lose by trying. So, he made himself the guinea pig of the process. He tried it out. And according to Carl, within 12 hours, life was going differently. First in a small way. But as Carl continued to experiment, life was changing in bigger and more significant ways.
Over time, Carl did more and more research, refining the methodology and techniques. He calls it "switching from manual to automatic." In today's interview, Carl proposes the "manual" method for you to try. No need to accept his theories. Test them for yourself.
Listen in to learn the simple method. Then, test it out!
RELATED RESOURCES Does Everything Happen For A Reason? MindFlavors Website Free MindFlavors Ebook
Life is a fairly constant flow of goodbyes and hellos. Sometimes, those goodbyes are incredibly painful. The death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job or role. All can be painful.
And sometimes, those goodbyes feel like the end of the story. But many times, there is more. More to the story, more to life. More to live. Those are the hellos.
When you are caught up in the grief of a goodbye, it may seem like a hello is impossible. It takes courage. Vulnerability. A willingness to live again.
We can live behind a fortress, trying to protect ourselves from hurts. But that also keeps us from connecting and loving... living.
Sure, the goodbyes hurt. But that is part of the deal with life. Sometimes, the pain breaks us open to new possibilities and new people.
In this Thriveology Podcast episode, I interview Terese Castellanos. As a therapist, Terese helped people through losses and life struggles... and one day realized that she, herself, was faced with the same thing. Her husband was dying.
In our interview, Terese and I look to her story of goodbye... how that felt like the end of the story... but it wasn't. So, we also discuss hello. And how to live through the goodbye, open to the hello.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With Grief Lessons From A Chaplain Lessons From A Chaplain, pt. 2 Terese's Website
Do you find yourself a bit rebellious? Maybe you just don't want to be told what to do. Or maybe you just want to find your own voice. I think we all have some rebellious place in there. That rebellion can serve us or keep us stuck.
Ilana Kristeva tells me she was born rebellious. Colicky and anemic as a baby, Ilana just pushed back. She reports lots of parent/teacher conferences, since she didn't much like directions. Then, her body rebelled.
As diagnoses started stacking up, Ilana lost more and more control of her body, finally ending up in a wheelchair. Unhappy and frustrated, Ilana finally hit a wall. Literally and figuratively. Coming down the hall in her home, Ilana collided with the wall, finding herself stuck. And suddenly laughing.
That was the starting point of her healing. In fact, she decided to take a stand-up comedy class (still in her wheelchair).
Slowly, Ilana began to understand that every cell in her body had the potential to heal, grow, and regenerate. She decided to honor that. To use her conscious thoughts to speak to her body, even singing to herself.
Along the way, she realized that she had to take her own health into her own hands. Sure, she could listen to the professionals. But she had to take responsibility, if she were to find healing. It was then that she converted her rebellious nature to a focused purpose. She became a Self-Care Vigilante.
As Ilana and I chat in this Thriveology Podcast, we discuss the elements of being a Self-Care Vigilante. How others can adopt the same mindset, taking control and responsibiliy for their well-being. How they can live in gratitude. Listen in for how to get a copy of Ilana's books.
RELATED RESOURCES Personal Responsibility Thriving Body Series Growth Mindset Ilana's Book: Instant Gratitude
Many times, life just kind of, well, hits us. We have a major transition. Or we just hit a plateau. What if you know there is more... you just can't get there? That's when we have to find our "untapped strengths."
Angela Stillwell is the "Vulnerability Warrior." Why? Because she discovered that struggling with tough times can keep in in "survivial mode."
Angela came from a dysfunctional family situation, with divorce and affairs, abuse, and the loss of her mother when she was young. Yes, she "survivied" (as people would tell her), but that was not enough.
She knew there was more; passion, purpose, perspective, service. And Angela set out to find it.
As Angela shares with me, there are 3 steps to thriving:
Connection Perfect imperfection Resurrection
Sounds like a pretty good formula to me! Listen to this week's podcast, as Angela shares her formula, step-by-step.
RELATED RESOURCES: Meaning & Purpose Dealing with Tough Times Acceptance Vulnerability Warrior Quiz
?
What if your "future self" can help your "current self?" And maybe even help you make sense of your "past self!"
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I chat with Valerie Lemme about her journey from painful childhood and struggling adulthood to thriving. Valerie discovered that by accessing her Future Self, she could move beyond the beliefs and stuck points she was experiencing.
But in order to get there, Valerie had to go through mental, physical, and emotional pain. Through mood swings, insomnia, panic, high blood pressure, and horrible back pain, Valerie kept looking for an answer. She trained as a healer and hypnotherapist, but couldn't find healing for herself.
On the verge of giving up, Valerie tuned into a webinar on FutureVisioning, and her life was changed. After that, Valerie decided to help others with that same process. And today, Valerie "pulls back the curtains" to share the 7 basic principles of the process.
Her principles might be a challenge to what you believe. But if what you are currently believing isn't quite working, it might be time for a shift. Or at least some thoughts in a new direction.
Tune in as Valerie and I discuss the 7 Principles of FutureVisioning.
RELATED RESOURCES:ResponsibilityControlLife PurposeFuture Visioning Worksheets
My friend tells me, "Aging ain't for sissy's, but I ain't ready for the alternative!"
It happens to every single one of us who are fortunate enough for it to happen. We get older. Moment by moment, day by day, year by year... and hopefully, decade by decade.
Personally, I am planning on being around for a long time. I'm already in what I refer to as "Bonus Time," after a health scare over 15 years ago.
One of my things to do is look for "aging mentors." These are people who are older than me, at varying levels, who seem to be doing it right. Not so much in the fact that they are still alive, as in how they live.
Ron Kaiser is one of those guys. 81 years old, still a full time psychologist, still doing yoga and exercising, still engaged in learning... still engaged in living.
Recently, I had the good fortune of interviewing Ron. He and I met at a conference and I said, "I have to get you on Thriveology. Your information is important at any age!" And now, I have.
Be sure and listen in to the interview below.
RELATED RESOURCES: The Mental Health Gym Dealing with Grief Showing Up Your Thriving Body
How are you with your emotions?
This isn't a question on whether you are "in touch with your emotions" or not. It is how you process the emotions.
Some people have, well, "emotional diahrrea." Emotions just dump wherever and whenever.
Others have "emotional constipation." They just can't get them out. Emotions get stuck, lodged in hurtful and painful ways.
Maybe we all need a little "emotional potty training."
When Rachel Kaplan was 14 years old, her boyfriend killed himself, leaving Rachel emotionally wounded. She blamed herself and tried to make sense of such a tragedy at such a young age. The emotional wound stayed with her for years.
And it led Rachel on a quest of healing. First, she wanted to find her own healing. But over the years, she began to use her new knowledge and skills to bring healing to others. Trained in Western and Eastern healing approaches, Rachel began to see her work as "emotional potty training."
She helps people who have buried their emotions deep in a "basement of shame," which means the emotions cannot process through. Her task is to help people to find their Authentic Self, to heal their core wounds, and discover their worth.
Listen in as Rachel and I discuss Emotional Potty Training.
RELATED RESOURCES Discover Your Core Wound - Rachel's Quiz Healing Feeling - Rachel's Podcast Resilience Dealing with Grief
It's never too late! Until it's too late!
We all have an expiration date! But up until then... there is time. But don't take up too much time not getting there. The sooner you do, the better your life will be, for as long as it goes on.
Isn't that a dichotomy? It's never too late to make a change. But don't put it off!
Here's the thing. If there are things you have wanted to do, but haven't... you can really be hard on yourself. You can chastise and shame yourself for not having taken action. All the while, you are putting it off even longer.
OR, you can decide that the moment for change is NOW. Not "someday." Not "maybe tomorrow." Today.
On her 60th birthday, with a full day of celebration planned, Lorraine Hoving woke up in a panic. It occured to her that if she was fortunate enough to live to 90, she was 2/3rds of the way through life. And that was assuming she was headed for 90!
That very day, Lorraine thought about all the goals, hopes, and dreams she had... and had not yet hit. At that point, she was overweight and hiding from life. And on that day, she decided things had to change.
Lorraine says she took "100% responsibility for how" her life went. She forgave herself. She forgave others. And she took control of her life.
Now, she is on a mission to help others build their life... they way THEY want it. Starting now. It's never too late... until it's too late.
Listen in as Lorraine Hoving and I discuss how she took control of her life and made it a life she loves.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lorraine's Website Taking Responsibility Starting Now Forgiving Book: The Forgive Process
Life can turn in an instant: a phone call, a letter, a knock on the door. Everything you thought you knew, everything that was "normal" is pulled apart and thrown upside-down.
In that heart-stopping moment, you know life will never be the same. And sometimes, it can feel like life isn't just changed... but over.
For Nada Hogan, that knock on the door was a pair of police officers. While Nada was trying to figure out what was going on, she noticed that one officer's badge said "Chaplain."
Nada's 18 year old daughter had been killed in an accident.
Her already-stressed life was thrown into a tailspin. Some days, she could barely pull herself out of bed.
Then, she decided to make a change. To honor her daughter, Darah, in living a life of purpose.
One little step at a time, Nada pulled her life back together. She found a connection to something bigger than herself... and eventually, to a purpose bigger than her grief.
Now, Nada helps others move through their heartbreaks to find healing. She starts at the place where you might not even want to get out of bed. She knows that spot! She's been there.
Join Nada and me as we discuss how to heal after heartbreak.
RELATED RESOURCES Video Series - Giving Your Dreams Direction (by Nada) Grief and Loss Accepting What Is Does Everything Happen For A Reason? Your Purpose
What happens when you do all the right things: get the degrees, marry the "right person," and think you are living your dream... only to discover it is someone else's dream?
You may just push on. You may just run away. Or you may stop and realize that YOU are the one who needs to change... to transform.
Many times, that happens at midlife. Call it a "crisis." Or call it an "opportunity for transformation."
Marie-Elizabeth Mali decided it was time for transformation. Having taken on what Marie-Elizabeth refers to as an "inherited identity" (the one others want for you), she realized that she was not living her authentic self.
So, she made a LEAP (which is also the acronym of her approach) to transformation.
Listen in as Marie-Elizabeth and I discuss her LEAP approach to making transformations.
RELATED RESOURCES: Grab Marie-Elizabeth's Resource Learn To Show Up Taking On Responsibility Book: Immutable Laws of Living
Over the last 2 episodes, we have been talking about YOUR Engaged Life. How to build a life of passion, purpose, and presence.
Amplifying that life through gratitude, spirituality, and awe.
Here's the thing... not to be a downer here... you and I, we are going to die. Someday.
Likely, you don't know when that will happen. I don't know when I will die. I just know that it is in my future.
Why does that matter?
That very fact is what makes life valuable, makes TIME valuable. If you live forever, what you do today doesn't matter so much. You could do it tomorrow or next year, or in a hundred years.
But knowing we only have so much time... that changes things. We have 2 tasks: to live as fully as we can, in the time we have... and make that time last as long as possible.
At least, that is MY task. How can I live fully? And how can I live fully?
If you are thinking that might be YOUR task, listen in to the podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES 3 P's Of Engaged Life Amping Your Engagement Your Thriving Body Series Stress To Rest Book: The Thrive Principles
In the last episode of the podcast, I started a series on living The Engaged Life. We continue that series in this episode.
If you have focused on living those 3 P's of Passion, Purpose, and Presence, you can amplify your Engaged Life with attending to 3 areas. All 3 come from within you. You can bring more engagement, more connection, more depth, and more meaning into your life.
Amplifying is all about adding Power to those 3 P's. And all about enlarging that Engaged Life for yourself.
Listen in to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, so that you can amp your engagement.
RELATED RESOURCE 3 P's of Engaged Life Your Spiritual Life Gratitude in Your Life Book: The Thrive Principles
Do you ever that you are "playing small"? That there should be more to life? More for YOU to do in life? More your life should be about?
That life you are thinking about... that is the Engaged Life. Living with more engagement, more depth, more meaning... more purpose.
Over the years, this has been a fairly constant refrain from clients: "There should be more to life than THIS." There is....
Engaging in life. Being engaged in life.
Living a bit deeper... a bit wider.
Over the years, 3 P's have emerged as the Path to living an engaged life. Those 3 P's: Passion, Purpose, and Presence.
When you are focused on building those 3 areas, your Engaged Life builds.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I cover the 3 P's of Living an Engaged Life. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning and Purpose in Life Showing UP in Life We Have Fears Book: Thrive Principles
I bet you hear it as much as I do. You may even say it. "I'm so stressed!" The malady of the modern age. Stressed out, exhausted, and frustrated.
But what IS stress?
As much as we toss that term around, sometimes almost as a badge of honor, you may not think about what that term is REALLY about.
These days, I tend to push my body, physically. I take a good long walk in the morning, usually do a workout after that, then go to jiu jitsu 3 to 5 evenings per week. My body can, indeed, get stressed.
When we talk about "stress," in everyday life, we are more talking about psychological stress. Which is really just a term for something else. Something we'd rather not claim.
But once we recognize what it really is, we can do something about it. So, let's figure out why we stress... and what we can do about it.
Listen below to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES We ALL Have Fears Your Thriving Body Dealing With Anxiety Dealing With Depression Thrive Principles Book
Like a broken record... or an endless audio loop. Those thoughts that just keep turning in your mind. Okay, in MY mind. But I bet it happens to you, too.
Let's say, hypothetically of course, that I get up to 2 emails. One is complimentary, thanking me for resources, books, podcasts... things like that. Then there is another email, critical and harsh, telling me how useless my info was.
I read them both and head off to walk my dog.
Do you think I ponder that kind one? Or keep looping back to that unkind one?
Yep, you guessed it. And I bet you guessed it because it happens to you, too.
And that thought... it isn't just a passing thought. No. I find my body tense up, the anger/hurt churning in my gut.
The other day, I was out for my morning walk with my sidekick, Ziggy (our silver lab). We were about half-way through and I realized my palms were sweaty, tightly gripping the leash (which is a waist leash, so I don't even need to be holding it!). My chest is tight, my stomach is tight. I ask myself, "why am I ready for a fight?" Nothing had happened.
Nothing.
Except a thought I was having... not just having... looping. It was about an experience that happened 3 decades ago. One I don't typically think about. But today, it popped in my head and I was stuck in a loop. Looping on an old thought that was making me feel a certain way in the present.
I dropped back and followed my own little routine when I find myself looping.
You can't stop the loops from starting. But you can decide how long you run the loops.
Let's talk about how to stop those pesky loops. Podcast below.
RELATED RESOURCES Thoughts are Thoughts Anxiety and Thought Dealing with Depression Living In The Present Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living
The gyms are emptying out. The running shoes are no longer going out for runs. Comfort food is replacing health food.
What gives?
February.
Actually, it is just long enough that those resolutions made in January are starting to crumble.
"I'll start exercising, start eating better, stop ______, stop ________." You fill in the blanks. Resolutions are usually starting something new or stopping something old. Building new habits or beating old habits. Or changing new habits for old ones.
Many people get off to a good start. They join the gym, throw out the junk food, buy some new clothes, a few new books, and... enthusiasm wanes. Old habits kick back in.
And it is back to square one.
Don't blame yourself! Habits are tough. Tough to make, tough to break.
We go back to the old habits because they are comfortable, easy, and the path of least resistance. Even if they don't get us where we want to go!
We just seem to fall right down the Habit Hole!
So, what should we do?
Listen in to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast for more about the Habit Hole.
RELATED RESOURCES Habits Series Making An Impact Changing Limiting Beliefs Book: Thrive Principles
I don't know about you, but I don't much enjoy feeling fear. I'd rather it not be a part of my life.
And yet, it is.
Fear is part of our wiring, deep in our DNA and deep in the circuitry of our brains. It keeps us safe -- sometimes super-safe. Which is the problem.
There is a central life coaching question: "Where do you want to be?" (Few people seek out coaching because everything is great, they are happy, and life is where they want it to be.)
The next question is "What keeps you from getting there?" When I dig in with clients, that question often hits against external barriers. Things the client can't change.
But dig long enough and dig deep enough, and you hit fear. Fear is what often keeps us from getting what we want in life, from getting the life we most deeply dream about.
If fear is a fact of life (it is), then fear isn't really as much in our way as we let it be. After all, other people (who also have fears) have made it.
What breaks through the fear, to get us to the life we want?
It is not being "fearless." That won't happen... although you can have LESS fear.
Nope.
It is COURAGE. And courage is not the opposite of fear... it is action in the direction of fear. Which is what dissipates fear.
Let's talk about fear... and more important, courage... in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES We ALL Have Fears Facing Fears Your Fierce Life Book: Thrive Principles Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living
"Where should I start?", my client asked.
Lots of times, we want to make changes, we want things to be different. And sometimes, we want things to be different before we make any changes.
We want a different starting point.
If you've ever been at a park or mall, looking at the map to figure out where to go, you might notice that one very important feature, "You Are Here." It points to the spot where you are now.
Not where you want to go. Not where you want to be.
But where you are.
If you are at the mall and see the store you want... on the other side of the mall, you might wish you were standing nearby, near the destination store. Not all the way across the mall.
But if you are on the other side of the mall, that is where you are. Navigating to the destination from a closer point -- a point where you are NOT -- is not likely to be effective.
You start where you are.
And you might just find... it is a pretty good place to start.
Listen to this podcast episode for how to start where you are, and why where you are is a pretty good place to start.
RELATED RESOURCES Accepting What Is Limiting Beliefs Making Changes Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
Kinda like taxes, tough days are unavoidable. You may see the tough times coming. But sometimes, they just roll right over us. A conversation, a text, a phone call, or an event. Something hits and the bad time is here.
Some people will say that tough times are a sign that you are "off-course," not living right, not doing what you "should" be doing.
But guess what? One cost of living is dealing with tough times. Illness, accidents, losses, and deaths -- they are all a part of life.
You don't have to like the tough times. But we do have to get through them.
Which raises the question of how to get through the tough times.
I cover handling tough times in this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Growth Mindsets for Tough Times Lessons Learned as a Chaplain Building Your Resilience Muscle Dealing with Roadblocks Two Targets to Thrive Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
I always find it helpful to have some "rules" to live by. Short statements that help keep me pointed in the right direction, ready to handle the challenges of life.
And let's be honest: challenges are an unavoidable part of life. Those who tell you that having struggles, challenges, or illnesses is an indication that you are doing something wrong? They are wrong and misguided. Life is going to challenge each of us... right up until we die. Which every one of us will do.
So the question is how we live our lives. Today. Right now. Regardless of what life is throwing your way.
What we often do, in the face of a challenge: Worry, Complain, Avoid. All three keep us stuck, frozen in place and to the challenge ahead of us.
So, I have decided instead, to adopt the rule of "Act or Accept." I will either act toward resolution, or I will accept where I am. And the acceptance? It need not be permanent. It is about where I am right now. It may be waiting for a possible action.
Let's talk about this rule and how to apply it. Listen to the podcast episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES Getting Unstuck Anxiety Resources Rules for Living Thrive Principles Book Immutable Laws of Living Book
Anyone who tells you that you can go through life without getting hurt and feeling pain is either lying or hiding.
Life is rough-and-tumble. Pain is unavoidable.
But there is a type of pain that we can leave behind. That is more a result of our own thinking than anything external, any injury either physical or emotional.
Call it "Dirty Pain." Which is distinguished from "Clean Pain." Clean pain, that is the initial hurt. When you hit your foot, it hurts. That is the bodily response to the injury. When someone says something to you that is mean and spiteful, your feelings are hurt. That is the emotional pain. It is initial.
But what if you chastise yourself about your being "clutsy," or about your "stupid action" that led to that foot injury? Or what if you made that hurtful comment about you, and not about the person who said it? What if you kept dwelling about it?
Let me be clear: it is fine to ask how you might prevent an injury in the future. It is fine to listen to feedback from others, that might give you some insight into things you need to change.
It's the next step after that. When you keep berating yourself. It's when you take the next step... you attach to the pain. Buddhism refers to that as suffering. You and I can think of it as "Dirty Pain" (a term coined by ACT - a mode of therapy). It is dirtied by our own mental state -- not the cause of the pain.
What do you do about that? We discuss it in this week's Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Life Is Tough Letting Go What You Can Control The Forgive Process Book
The New Year. It is upon us. And along with the start of a new year is an opportunity for us to re-start. To make some changes. To find some ways to charge into the New Year, with a new approach. Maybe even a new attitude!
Many people make resolutions around this time. And most of those resolutions are broken by February. Gyms are full in January and quiet again in February. Health foods fly out the doors in January, only to be tossed to make room for cookies and chips in February.
Change is a tall order... unless you have some clarity to your change. Some simple approach that makes your hopes and dreams a part of your life.
Let's make a 4 step plan for charging into the New Year. (And even if you listen to this episode at some other time in the year... guess what? You can use the exact same 4 steps at any time!)
Start the year right... by making a fresh start!
Listen to the podcast episode below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Your Word Gratitude What You Can Control Thrive Principles Book The Immutable Laws of Living Book
On multiple days each week, my wife and I play a game. She points to a bruise and asks, "How'd that happen?"
Fair question. But I don't have a specific question. All I can say is, "Rolling at jiu jitsu." Yep, my 52 year old body has to tolerate my decision to take up jiu jitsu last January.
A few months after I started going to jiu jitsu, I posted a podcast episode on Lessons I Learned At Jiu Jitsu.
Well, here we are, some 11 months later. And I have learned a few more lessons.
Since I posted the first episode, I have continued going to class throughout the week. And with continuing to go, I also progressed. In the Gracie Academy framework, I earned my Combatives Belt back in November. That means that... well... I am still a white belt. Just an advanced white belt!
Which means that I am now allowed in the advanced class, the Blue Belt Cycle.
Which meant that everything I had learned up until then was met with a block or defense when I tried it on a higher ranked belt. It had worked fine before! But now, I was back to square one.
As I have told a few people, it is kind of like when you are in the last year of middle school. You think you are "top dog," and strut around a little, pretending to own that school. Then, you go to high school. And you discover you are at the bottom of the ladder. Back to beginner. That would be me. Back to beginner.
Humbling? A little. But more of a reminder that progress includes lots of new beginning points. So now, when I can't make a move (or more likely, when I get submitted and have to tap), I just have to laugh... then learn.
Listen in to this week's episode for 4 more life lessons I have (re)learned from jiu jitsu.
RELATED RESOURCES Life Lessons from Jiu Jitsu You Have To Show Up When Your Ego Trips You Up Perspective Book: The Immutable Laws Of Living Book: Thrive Principles
Have you noticed how we all like to keep things in a narrow band of comfort? We keep our houses not-too-warm, not-too-cool. Most homes, all year long, stay in a very narrow band of temperature.
Most of us go to the same restaurants, listen to the same music, hang out with the same friends, and do the same activities. Every now and then, something new. And then, back to the comfortable.
But not much growth happens in comfort.
If you want to improve in yoga, you have to stretch a little bit further, hold the position a little bit longer... be uncomfortable.
Discomfort accompanies growth. Sure, you can be uncomfortable, and it just be that -- discomfort. But if you are growing... if you are changing... there will be discomfort.
If we simply avoid discomfort, we also avoid growth.
Or, we could embrace discomfort. See it as a sign of growth. Use it as a potential sign that we are growing. And accept that when we grow, we will be uncomfortable.
I discuss Embracing Discomfort in this podcast episode.
RELATED RESOURCES: Embracing "I Don't Know" Embracing "We'll See" Certainty and Variety Growth Mindset
For me, "We'll See" was my philosophy of survival when I was sick.
The doctor gave me a diagnosis with a bad prognosis. Lots of ways I could be sick and die. Lots of ways my body could betray me.
Oh, and this was 15 years ago. WebMD was the "go-to" for facts on how we would die from any symptom or condition. So, family and friends let me know all the ways my body could fail me, based on my diagnosis. And shared the facts in excrutiating detail.
I was not in denial. I simply knew that there were many ways things COULD go wrong. But that meant little on how things WOULD go wrong.
It was overwhelming to face the "could's." I had only space to deal with the "would's."
So, I took to a single response, "We'll see." For a bit, the tone and volume would go up. Until the person realized that "We'll see" was where I was standing.
I find it most helpful to deal with things as they happen, not trying to figure out all the many things that might happen.
This is something I suggest for all of us. So many things we could worry about. Or we could just use the energy to deal with what is. What becomes. What happens.
Embrace "We'll See." I discuss it in this episode of the podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With Worries Dealing With Change Facing "What Is" Embracing "I Don't Know"
How much can any of us really know?
But how often do we still choose to have an opinion on everything? Someone asks about a topic, and we give an opinion. Then, we have to back that opinion up.
According to neuro-science, we look for evidence to support opinion we created, based on emotions. In other words, our opinions often come first - based on emotions - and our reasons come second.
That sounds a bit dangerous around complex issues, doesn't it?
Not knowing is a great ending point or a great starting point.
Maybe the question is about a topic over which you really don't care? Knowing about it is simply not that important. "I don't know" is a great way of admitting you don't know and don't care.
Or perhaps it is something over which you care... but which you don't know right now. "I don't know" can start the process of learning.
The danger is in trying to know... when you don't.
I discuss how to embrace "I don't know" in this podcast episode.
RELATED RESOURCES: Growth and Change Dealing with Change Showing Up
If you are in the States, we are on the cusp of the Holiday season, kicking off with Thanksgiving in just a few days.
For me, the Holidays throughout the year are moments to step into gratitude. Not just in a little "thank you for that gift," but in a gratitude for being alive. For being here. For experiencing life.
Each morning, while walking the neighborhood with my dog, Ziggy, I reflect on 5 things for which I am grateful. That starts my day with an attempt to shift my attention to thankfulness, to gratitude.
Granted, some days, that feeling quickly evaporates when the work piles up.
But I try to remember to be grateful on a daily basis.
How about you?
Did you know that research shows how simple gratitude habits can re-wire the brain... away from fear and threat? Away from depression and anxiety? Just by thinking with gratitude. Just by focusing on things for which you are grateful.
In this week's podcast, I discuss the power of gratitude to shift your thinking and re-wire your brain... just in time for a day we set aside to be particularly Thankful.
Know that I am thankful for you, my reader/listener. Wishing you the best of Thanksgivings!
RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude & Appreciation Two Targets To Thrive The Appreciation Approach Stop Trying To Change The Past Thrive Principles Book
Blame is rampant in today's world. We all quickly point the finger at someone/something else, proclaiming, "It's not my fault!"
Interestingly, I also notice how rampant it is for people to take the credit for successes.
They/we claim credit for what goes right but refuse blame for anything that goes wrong.
We live in a "culture of blame."
Which is what often keeps us from growing. From changing. From learning from our mistakes. If someone/something else is to blame, what could I (or you) do? Not my fault... not my problem.
Change requires us to change the equation. To take responsibility, when we are responsibible. To share credit when others deserve credit.
Great leadership is about accepting ultimate responsibility for mistakes and problems, while giving credit for successes.
So, how do we turn the equation around? I discuss it in this week's Thriveology Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES Responsibility NMF Syndrome In Marriage Showing Up Thrive Principles Book Immutable Laws of Living Book
What do you do when you think your life is right where you want it... and then it all falls apart?
That's what happened to Kristine Carlson. Her husband, Richard, was traveling the world and sharing his message of Don't Sweat The Small Stuff. Kristine was doing some writing in the series and raising their teen girls.
As his plane was descending, on the way to yet another presentation, Richard suffered a pulmonary embolism and died. He was 45.
Kristine was left with life without her soulmate, and with the mantel of her husband's message.
What did Kristine do? She grieved. She questioned her life. She questioned "why?" and "what now?" And then, she found a path through the grief. She found herself on what Joseph Campbell called, "The Hero's Journey."
And here is what Kristine realized: we ALL suffer losses. We ALL have struggles. And we ALL have to make a choice about the path we choose.
Many of us want to take that same journey, that path to our Hero-ness... but we don't know how.
So, Kris decided to share her journey in her new book, From Heartbreak To Wholeness.
And I had the joy of having Kristine on my podcast for this second time, to discuss the journey. And to discuss how this is everyone's journey. How do we choose Hero over Victim? Listen in as Kris and I discuss this important journey.
RELATED RESOURCES My First Interview With Kristine From Heartbreak To Wholeness Website Kristine's Blog and Website
Do you feel anxious? Have anxious moments? Maybe even struggle with anxiety attacks?
If so, I want to offer some strategies to help you deal with those feelings... the emotional storm that can hit.
Anxiety isn't a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of ancient survival strategies that have ramped up to the point of over-reaction. Hyper-vigilance has taken the survival strategy of fear and caution to a level that can interfere in daily life.
There are some strategies, though, that can help you cope, re-wire, and live with lower levels of anxiety.
Don't let it run your life! Learn to cope and move beyond anxiety.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With Anxiety A Thought Is A Thought How To Beat Depression Dealing With Down Days The Immutable Laws of Living
You apologize. Now what?
Are you finished? Is it now up to the person to whom you apologized?
Nope. That is only one part of the process.
Understand that apologies, forgiving, reconciliation, and trust are all separate functions. Each is tied to the other, but independent. Forgiving does not require an apology. An apology does not mandate forgiveness. You can apologize or forgive, and still not reconcile. And in the end, it is a choice to trust or not.
So, let's step back into what you can do, so that you can "clear the air" and move forward. In other words, to make sure you do your part.
I suggest 6 steps to this process, and I cover each one in this episode of the podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES: Anatomy Of An Apology Forgive Resources Making Change Limiting Beliefs Responsibility The Forgive Process
Life can really dish it out, can't it?
A sunny (metaphorically speaking) day suddenly gathers rain clouds. And then, the storm (metaphorically speaking) hits!
As I recorded this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, people were still trying to dry out from Hurricane Florence. I had family in the path, so I had a vested interest in following it closely.
Which reminded me of those other "storms of life," when something hits you... illness, loss, change... things you were not wanting or expecting. They hit, though. Sometimes, with some warning. But sometimes, "out of the blue."
What do you do? How do you weather those storms of life?
Because, guess what? They WILL hit. Not if they hit. But when. What do you do?
I talk about some strategies for weathering life' storms in this week's podcast episode.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With Loss Live Each Day As THE Day Control What You Can Does Everything Happen For A Reason? The Forgive Process Book
Have you heard of Kaizen? It is the principle of continuous improvement.
Continuous improvement is a great model for change. It is based on constant changes toward a better outcome. No need for sudden upheaval or change (although that is sometimes necessary). Instead, course corrections are made along the way, nudging something toward improvement.
That "something"? It might be a product (like Japanese automobiles, where Kaizen became the method of them becoming excellent automobiles), companies, or even individuals.
But how, you might wonder, do you actually DO that continuous improvement?
Let me offer a super-simple tool that you can apply to your own life, to your company or workplace, or even to a relationship or organization. SSC - Start, Stop, Continue Three benchmarks: What do you need to Start? What do you need to Stop? What do you need to Continue?
In this week's episode, I discuss how to apply SSC to your own life... and to other areas in your life.
Listen in for a new tool.
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Change Why We Avoid Change Paradigms Limiting Beliefs
Did you know that it is common to find a lost person with a broken compass? No, they are not lost because their compass was broken. They broke their compass because they didn't believe the compass. They believed they were somewhere other than where the compass said. And many times, they decided that the map they were using was also wrong... and they were right.
Survival experts refer to this as "bending the map." They are trying to force their map to match what they perceive, rather than letting the map inform their understanding of where they are.
Guess what? It doesn't just happen in survival situations. We do it every day. We bend our perceptions to match what we want to see... not what is there to be seen. And we often find ourselves way off-course. So far off that we might have just compromised our values.
The good news is there are some simple ways to keep this tendency in check. This is a skill we desperately need these days.
Listen to this week's episode to learn how to not bend your map!
RELATED RESOURCES Raising Standards Careful of Thoughts Perspective Thrive Principles Book
Let's just assume that you have decided to forgive other people. You do it (maybe even following my 6 step process). Things are going well. You are getting unstuck.
And then... snap! You are pulled back, stuck. Feeling bad.
But this time, feeling bad about yourself -- your actions, your words, your inactions, or silence.
You know that voice? The one that starts with "How could you....?" It reminds you of something you said or did... or something you didn't do or didn't say (but should have).
"Why did I do that?? (or didn't)", you ask yourself. And then, you replay the event all over again in your head... just like you have countless times before.
Sometimes, we find it easier to forgive someone else that to forgive ourselves. We just can't seem to clear it out, let it go, and release ourselves.
Well, that is the topic of this week's Thriveology Podcast, just to get you to consider forgiving yourself. This is NOT about ducking responsibility or denying what happened. It is about moving beyond that, to something better.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Taking Responsibility How To Forgive How To Show Up Control What You Can Can't Change Past The Forgive Process
I've noticed that many times, when someone is stuck, it is because they have something that keeps hanging on to them, dragging them down. They have something they need to release... someone they need to forgive.
And when I note this, I often get a knee-jerk answer of "how dare you tell me to forgive! I have been hurt! That person does not deserve to be forgiven."
To which I note that this has nothing to do with "deserve." Because my suggestion to forgive really has nothing to do with the other person.
Forgiving is for the person who is doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven (at least primarily).
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I explore some reasons to consider forgiving -- some even being health reasons! But most are about getting unstuck and moving forward in your life.
Take a listen below!
RELATED RESOURCES Book: The Forgive Process Myths of Forgiving Responsibility
Have you noticed how we talk about time and money the same way? You can spend time/money, waste time/money, or save time/money. But never confuse the two.
Money... we can always make more. Time... it is passing moment by moment, day by day, not to be recaptured or held.
We all have the same 24 hour days live. The question is whether you feel like you have some time to "spend" as you want (Time Affluence) or whether all of your time is claimed and out of your control (Time Poverty).
Research repeatedly shows that material purchases (buying stuff) does little to influence our overall happiness (once basic needs are met). Interestingly, experiential purchases (doing something, going somewhere) has been shown to increase happiness. But you can't do stuff and go places when there is no time left to do it.
In a study a couple of years ago, over half the respondents said that they would give up a day of pay each week for a day of freedom each week.
And yet, many times, we "spend" our time in ways that don't foster time affluence -- leading to a feeling of time poverty.
How can we make shifts in life that bring us more Time Affluence? That is the topic of this week's Thriveology Podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES Time As Precious Resource Spending Time Finding Purpose, Making Impact Life Lessons The Immutable Laws of Living Thrive Principles
Have you ever wanted something... just knowing that if you had it, you would be... happy?
And if you got it, did you find yourself happier? Not just for a few moments or days, but long-term?
Sometimes, the "buyer's remorse" sets in right after the purchase, with you realizing that no, that shiny new object didn't make you happier (and may have even become an instant burden), and no, happiness did not suddenly appear.
The term for our wanting those things that don't actually lead to satisfaction or happiness is "mis-wants." The wants we have that aren't as significant as we thought. We literally "miss" when we aim at those "wants."
And guess what? That is MORE often true than not. Rarely does that thing get us the effect we want and expect.
What DO we want? We think it is happiness.
But it isn't.
Not really.
Listen to the episode for more on those Mis-Wants.
RELATED RESOURCES: It's Not About Happiness Purpose and Impact The Happiness Trap The When/Then Trap Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
My coaching client was wanting to thrive. He told me he was constantly studying about self-growth. But he wanted to really transform his life. And, he told me, so much of what he was reading was, to quote him, "woo-woo stuff." He used that term as a reference to ideas he thought were "out there."
So first, let me just say, what is "out there" to one person is commonplace and sensible to another. But I knew what he was saying. He wanted to change things in his life... but he wanted it based in research and reliability. He wanted to get it down to the basics.
I told him we could easily look at the "low hanging fruit," the easy things to accomplish -- the ones that give the biggest bang for the effort... pretty much guaranteed.
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, I outline 4 areas to improve, all in very "non-woowoo" ways... and very simple ways... so that you can get the biggest bang for your efforts.
Listen in for the details!
RELATED RESOURCES Fueling Your Body Exercising Your Body Resting Your Body Dealing With Stress Building A Thriving Life
It's a trap. And we all fall into it.
Sadly, we set it up on ourselves, then step right into it.
WHACK! We are stuck... waiting. And that's the trap -- the wait. Life can't begin until....
What's the trap? The "When/Then Trap." You know, that time when you say, "When ____ happens, then I will ______." When you finally get that great job, get that perfect spouse, make $$'s, win the lottery, etc. THEN, life can finally get started. THEN you can be happy, help others, find meaning, do... well, you get the point.
It just seems that something has to change, (right?) before you can get to something else. And so, we get stuck... waiting for that something to change. Not realizing that there may be other ways to get there... or even other places to get to!
There are alternatives to being stuck in the "When/Then Trap." In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we explore why and how we get stuck. And how to get out of that trap. Listen below.
GRAB MY BOOKS ON THRIVING: Thrive Principles The Immutable Laws of Living
It seems to be a specialty of mine... getting people UN-stuck. Which means I spend a fair amount of time noting what gets people stuck in the first place. Makes sense, right? If you want to get un-stuck, you need to know why you got stuck.
There are some clear reasons why people get stuck. For example, when you violate one of the 16 Immutable Laws Of Living I highlight in my latest book, you will end up stuck. Guaranteed. Which is why I try to spell them out for you, so you can get unstuck.
One area that consistently gets people stuck is fear. And the way to get un-stuck is not to eliminate fear. Mostly because it is impossible to eliminate fear. It is wired into your brain. Just part of being alive.
But, and this is the good news, you only have to do a little pivot in order to let fear help you.
Before I go into how you can pivot, though, I clarify three primary ways that fear can get you stuck (and keep you stuck). Listen to learn the three ways, and the one necessary pivot.
RELATED RESOURCES: The Immutable Laws of Living Book Getting Un-Stuck Fear and Living
Have you noticed how many books there are in the bookstore on how to be happy?
Which raises the question on why, in a recent poll, only 1/3rd of Americans claimed to be happy.
We have fallen into the "happiness trap," chasing after happiness as if that is the goal of life.
It isn't.
Over the past few weeks, I have been doing lots of interviews in lots of places about my new book, The Immutable Laws of Living. In just about every interview, they ask me about the Immutable Law, "It isn't about happiness." Some have even asked how that can be so, since the forefathers of the United States noted the right of "pursuit of happiness."
First, their concept of happiness was far deeper than our current definition of a feeling of elation -- usually about something that "happens." But second, pursuit is different than having.
When we chase happiness, it stays just out of reach. Keeping us trapped in the chase... trying to find the next thing that will finally do it... only to find that it fails, too.
What's the answer?
Listen to this episode to find the way out of the trap.
RELATED RESOURCES: It's Not About Happiness Chasing Happiness Chases It Away "I'm Just Not Happy" Dealing With Down Days The Immutable Laws of Living
A couple of episodes back, I discussed some lessons I have learned in my less-than-half a year in jiu jitsu. One of my lessons was about "egoless learning." Several people asked what I meant by my ego being involved. And what's wrong with that... the ego?
Well, the ego tends to trip us up, throughout our lives. Why? Because our ego keeps us focused on how we appear, what others think of us, what we look like. And because of that, we try to keep up an image.
And because of that, we trip.
Soon after I learned to scuba dive, I decided I wanted to become an instructor. Partly because I wanted to learn more, partly because I enjoy teaching.
So, after some time of accumulating classes, dive time, and teaching experience, I was ready for my certification process. It was supposed to be a learning event. A place for me to learn more about teaching, got some feedback on how I was teaching, and demonstrated my capacity to teach.
They weren't looking for me to be the best teacher. I was at the beginning of my teaching.
That said, part of my task was to teach... so they could evaluate me and help me to be better. And to get ready, I had practiced. I created a killer PowerPoint. I had "show and tells." I just knew they would see what an amazing teacher I was. I would show them!
I finished. They offered feedback. The first piece, "You went 2 minutes longer than your limit." I was in the middle of a rebuttal, when I realized... I was not learning. I was proving. I was worried about my appearance. My ego was there.
More feedback. More temptation for rebuttal. My ego tripped me up, and I knew it wasn't the first time. When ego appears, learning disappears.
Listen to this episode to hear how ego trips us up.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lessons from Jiu Jitsu Trial and Error Living Life As An Experiment Lessons Learned As A Chaplain
We always start at survival. You have to survive to do anything else. Surviving is based in dealing with scarcity and threats.
Sometimes, people get stuck in survival mode... whether it is necessary or not. For most people, survival mode is less a necessity and more a habit.
Then, we live. Living is about finding comfort. People to support you, work to do, things to enjoy. And for many people, this is the stage that feels like success. The paycheck and opportunity gives enough comfort to enjoy life.
So, many people get stuck in the live mode.
But then, there is the opportunity to thrive.
Survive >>>> Live >>>>> Thrive
What makes the shift? Realizing that the living isn't enough. There is something more. Something deeper and more satisfying. It's about finding your purpose, finding your deeper meaning, making an impact in the world.
It requires taking on the challenges, looking for the opportunities... growing and stretching.
While surviving is about scarcity, living is about comfort, thriving is about abundance. It isn't a change in what is around you, as much as a shift in perspective.
Listen to this week's episode to learn more about making the shifts.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning and Purpose Making An Impact Building A Thriving Life
Let me be clear: I can claim NO expertise in jiu jitsu. I have only been involved since January. So, what can I possibily tell you about jiu jitsu after just 6 months of practice?
Nothing.
But I CAN tell you some lessons I have learned from those 6 months. Not about jiu jitsu, but about living, about starting new things, and about learning.
This is not my first foray into the martial arts. It is more a lifelong interest.
During my teen years, I took tae kwon do. Lacking in natural coordination and strength, I was gangly and a non-natural. But I took classes for years. I even advanced through the ranks.
When I left for college, I packed up my gi and belts, and I didn't take any further lessons. Although I threatened to many times. I just let life get in the way.
Until this year. I turned 52 in March. But before the new year, I decided that I would give jiu jitsu a try... at least while it was cold and I couldn't be outside as much as I would like. After waiting to make sure our insurance policy was in place, and both of our adult children had left us after the holidays, I headed to class.
This week, I'll share 5 big lessons I have learned along the way.
Forgiving is an important skill. When we forgive people for hurts and slights in the past, we get to free ourselves from those events.
(That skill is so important that I wrote a book about the process I created. That book comes out in October.)
But what about forgiving yourself?
Why would you need to do that?
Because we all do thing, say things, fail to do and say things, that we regret. And those regrets can haunt us. They can keep us stuck in the past... in events that are already over.
Sometimes, if another person is involved, they might not even remember what happened or what was said. But you might continue to torture yourself, chastising yourself for what you said/did, didn't say/didn't do.
This requires another skill: self-forgiveness.
Not just a way to get yourself off the hook. Not just a way to gloss over what happened. But a way to move forward.
How do you forgive yourself? Listen to this week's episode to find out!
RELATED RESOURCE: Finding Self-Confidence Building Self-Esteem How to Forgive New Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
Schools have based their teaching model on it. Little league sports have revamped their approach on it. Parenting has changed to help it.
What is IT?
Self-esteem.
Which is a great concept, at least in the way Nathanial Branden first proposed it. Not so much in the way we have come to see it as "feeling good about yourself." Yep, Branden did want people to feel good about themselves, but not as the end point. It was part of something bigger.
And when we use the current popular definition, research shows that self-esteem matters little in success, health, wealth, or happiness.
Does that mean we should give up on self-esteem?
Nope.
We just need to return to the original idea. There is plenty we can do (and need to do) to build self-esteem -- in a way that matters for happiness, meaning, purpose... and yes, success.
Learn how to build your self-esteem, in a way that matters, in this week's podcast episode.
RELATED RESOURCE: Finding Self-Confidence Happiness Isn't the Goal What's Your Purpose? Make An Impact New Book: The Immutable Laws of Living
We all want confidence -- SELF-confidence. We want to be confident before we act. In other words, I want to feel confident of myself before I move toward something.
Or maybe that's just me! :-)
But I think that comes at it from the wrong direction. FEAR seems to be between us and action. Mostly because of the order we have for action:
Confidence ==> Action ==> Success.
But instead, we have:
FEAR ==> Wait for Confidence ==> Keep Waiting
If you understandt the real flow, then you can step aside and let fear pass you by, letting you take action AND gain confidence.
Listen to this episode of the Thriveology Podcast to learn more.
RELATED RESOURCES: Getting Un-Stuck Fear Is A Given New Book: Immutable Laws Of Living
Ancient Stoics and Latin Christians believed that every day we should "memento mori," we should remember our death. This practice was not to contemplate how you might die, but that you will die. As will I. And everyone else.
Which is what makes life so precious. And which is what gives value and power to the choices we make in how to live this day. Not how we lived yesterday or last year, nor how we plan to live tomorrow or next year. But how we live today. This is THE day you have. The only one.
This moment.
We live our lives, spending our time (our most precious resource) moment-by-moment. Sometimes, time slips away... with us making little progress (or maybe even some regress) toward what we want in life.
This moment.
We move toward our hopes and dreams... we carry out our life purpose... we make an impact in the world in this moment, this day.
It is the only one we have.
In this podcast episode, we talk about living life more fully, more in the moment -- today. In this moment.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains
5 Forgive to Live
6 Listen to Your Higher Self
7 Teach Others How to Treat You
8 Control What You Can; Release The Rest
9 Do Your Part and Wait for the Moment
Some people feel that they are at the whims of the world, unable to make a difference in their own lives. (They often fall into blame and helplessness.)
Other people believe that they are fully in charge, their lives entirely in their control. (Ironically, they also often fall into blame -- self-blame -- and frustration.)
The fact is, life is a combination of things that happen and what you do about them -- your you respond to the situations life throws your way. Events, good and bad, are unavoidable. Your choice is how you deal with them, how you choose to respond.
And if you are trying to get somewhere... if you have some hope or dream... then the process is to keep moving forward, making your choices and taking action. And at the same time, you wait for the timing to be right.
It is more likely that the timing will be right when you keep taking actions in the direction of what you want. Luck follows action.
Listen to this week's podcast for how you might use an equation to get to the outcome you want.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains
5 Forgive to Live
6 Listen to Your Higher Self
7 Teach Others How to Treat You
8 Control What You Can; Release The Rest
It was interesting to see how much my client seemed to relish her self-diagnosed "issue" when she smilingly told me, "I'm a bit of a control freak. I just want things my way. Mostly because I know how they should be."
So, I asked that tough question, "How is that working out for you?"
The smile turned to tears as she told me how much pushback she was getting from people. "They just don't know better," she assured me, letting me know that she just needed some better ways of getting people to follow her lead (ummm, demands).
My client was making a common mistake. One that leads to misery -- on her part and the part of others around her. She was trying to control things she could not. AND she was failing to control things she could.
The desire to control comes from fear. We fear things won't go well, won't work out. So, we innocently try to control things... the wrong things.
There are only a few things we can control. But when we switch from trying to control the things we cannot to the things we can, life opens up! Controlling what we can, it turns out, is enough.
In this week's Thriveology Podcast, I cover another Rule for Living: Control the Things You Can, and Release the Rest. Listen below.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
5 Forgive to Live
7 Teach Others How to Treat You
"Why don't they treat me the way I want to be treated?", my client asked me.
So, I asked, "Have you taught them how to treat you?"
The silence let me know. But after a pause, my client said, "I guess it never crossed my mind I needed to do that."
The fact is that people do not know how we want to be treated... unless we are clear about how we are to be treated. Otherwise, we get treated the way THEY want to treat US, and not the reverse.
In the end, that leaves people frustrated, defensive, and feeling mistreated.
Your BOUNDARIES are what lets people know how you want to be treated. They are your "NO's" of life. Things you will not let people do to(wards) you.
If your boundaries are solid, you are already following this rule. But if you find yourself being treated in ways you don't want to be, time to start following this rule, "Teach others how to treat you."
Listen to this week's Thriveology Podcast for yet another Rule for Living.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains
5 Forgive to Live
6 Listen to Your Higher Self
Have you ever had that moment when you were doing something or saying something, and there was that other voice in your head... the one questioning why? Maybe you already knew you were acting in a way you would not want to, or perhaps you were saying something you knew would be hurtful. But you found yourself doing or saying it anyway....
Your Higher Self was talking. Were you listening?
In this episode of the Thriveology Podcast, we talk about listening to that Higher Self. It is far more resilient and wise than that other voice, the Ego, that gets our ear (and our actions) lots of times.
But when we make a shift... to that Higher Self... our lives make a shift, too. We make better choices, treat others better (along with ourselves), and work from a place of courage.
This week's Rule? Listen to your Higher Self. Listen to this episode for more.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
5 Forgive to Live
Have you ever noticed how many times, we get dragged into the past and the pain, even when those hurtful times are over? Those remnants of the events can keep us stuck, frozen in the hurt and pain.
Unless we forgive.
That's a big word, I know. One that is packed with meaning... and not always helpful meanings.
In another podcast, I highlight my process for actually forgiving. It is important enough that I have a book coming out on the Forgive Process (actually, the name of the book) in October.
In this episode, we discuss why it is so hard to forgive, why you should do it anyway, and why this is so important as a rule for living. If you struggle with forgiving, please take a listen. It might just change your mind!
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
4 Grieve Losses and Celebrate Gains
Losses are painful. No way around it. They are also normal. Or to say it differently, loss is a normal part of life. Not an anomalie. Part of being alive.
And loss leads to grief. That is our natural reaction to any loss. Big grief or small grief -- that is simply how we process a loss, so that we can re-weave life and continue.
Sometimes, we get caught up in the "unfairness" of a loss, and we get stuck in the grief. In the process, we lose out on life. We fail to celebrate the gains that also are a part of life.
Think of these three stages throughout your life. We have a certain orientation to life -- we understand what life is about... until something changes -- a loss or a gain. And then, we experience disorientation. The process of grieving and celebrating brings us to a new orientation -- a re-orientation. Not the same as before. But not necessarily worse than before. Just different than before.
So, rule #4 is to grieve your losses and celebrate your gains. Listen for details below.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
3 Accept the Past and Revise the Future
Time is an interesting thing, isn't it? How often do we keep reliving the past, and imagining the future? Unfortunately, when we are caught in the past and the future, the present suffers.
As I have watched myself and others, I have noticed the tendency we have in trying to change what has happened. We try to find some way to re-do what has already been done. We want to find a revisable past.
And simultaneously, we don't do what we can to revise and re-envision the future. If only we could swap those two approaches!
What if we accept the past and revised the future, versus trying to revise the past and giving up on the future?
As we continue our series on the Rules for Living, this week, we look at how to accept the past and look toward the best possible future.
Listen below
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
2 Be Present In The Present
Last week, we started in a new series about my own Rules for Living. These are the rules I try to follow in my efforts to live a thriving life.
This week, we head into rule #2: Be Present In The Present.
These days, the buzzword is "mindfulness." In reality, our minds tend to be much too full. And mindfulness is really about being present -- really being in the experience of this moment.
But how do you do that? First, you have to really show up. Second, you have to make sure that you "distract-proof" yourself. Third, it is all about understanding our thoughts -- and letting them just be thoughts that pass on.
I cover some reasons why this rule is so important... and how to improve your "presence in the present" in this week's podcast episode. Listen below.
RULES OF LIVING SERIES
1 Let Fear Point, Not Direct
Whenever I am playing a game, I like to know the rules... what I can do and can't do; what I can get away with, and what will get me into trouble.
I have the same feeling about life. The "rules" are principles or strategies to use when things are tough. They give me a decision tree, to guide my choices.
The rules keep me moving forward, toward what I want. They also keep me honest and living within my virtues.
I've gathered those rules together and want to share them with you. I hope you find them helpful, even if you edit or alter them to fit for you.
This week is Rule #1: Let Fear Point, Not Direct
I have discovered that fear is a powerful force for people. It might protect us, sometimes. But it can also hold us hostage from our dreams and aspirations.
It gets in our way for one simple reason: we use fear to direct our lives. Fear is better used to point the way... to show us what's important.
Let me explain further in my podcast this week, rule #1 of my Rules for Living series.
I admit it. Her words have stuck with me for decades now. She told me, "Don't waste it." She meant that I shouldn't waste my time... my life. Just before she died, she told me, "Make it matter." She wanted to make sure I knew not to waste the precious time I had, and to make my life matter.
Her dying words to a young chaplain.
And those words have lived within me in the 3 decades since.
They still shape my work and my philosophy.
I discussed not wasting life in a prior podcast episode.
But what does it mean to Make It Matter? How do we make sure our lives matter, not for our own self, but for the world? How do we leave this place better for our being here? The MPI Triad helps to clarify. That triad holds Meaning, Purpose, and Impact. How we make sense of what happens, how we move into the world, and what difference it makes.
Let me tell you a bit more in this week's podcast episode.
RELATED RESOURCES Meaning & Purpose Impact Thrive Principles
Last week, I shared some lessons I learned while I was a hospital chaplain at the beginning of my career.
In this episode of the podcast, I share another six. That makes a total of ten lessons. But they only scratch the surface. My hope is to share some of the bigger lessons that emerged during that time.
Few people spend the kind of time a chaplain gets to spend with people on the edges of life. Medical staff don't have the time to spend, as much as they would like to. Most others are only in those settings in the days of a crisis.
My evening hours gave me time with patients, after the doctors and families had gone home, while the nurses were giving medical care. I had the chance to sit with people, while they sat with the big questions of life. I didn't always have the answers (often didn't), but I had the time to walk with them as they explored their journeys.
Walking with them taught me the lessons I share today.
RELATED RESOURCES: Lessons Learned, Part 1 Meaning & Purpose Impact Make It Count Thrive Principles Immutable Laws
It was in the early days of my Master's degree and my clinical training. I spent a summer working as a chaplain intern. Then I joined the staff of the hospital as one of the chaplains. I had the evening shift.
Chaplains have a unique position in hospitals. There to guide the tough times, celebrate the good times, and share in the spiritual journey. And while I was there as a staff member, every day was a learning experience for me.
In fact, I still look back at many critical moments in my learning about life, about caring for people, and the human struggle -- and many happened during just the few years I served as a chaplain.
I thought I might reflect a bit with you about the lessons I learned in my years as a hospital chaplain, just to see if they offer anything for you and your journey.
Listen below for part 1 of 2.
RELATED RESOURCES: Meaning in Life Purpose and Impact Thrive Principles Immutable Laws of Living
I was watching television. This one commercial, it spoke to me. Not about what they were selling, but the story leading up to the product. The product seemed irrelevant to the message.
The message was about life. About living. About living long. And living as if it mattered.
Given my own history of a health crisis, it spoke to me. And reminded me of a cancer patient in my chaplaining days years ago. She grabbed my arm, pulled me down, looked me in the eyes and said, "Don't waste it."
I think I did in the years after that. Not completely, but enough that her words haunt me. And call me to make it matter. For as long as I can.
That's what I discuss in my podcast this week. The importance of making it last, and making it matter. Your life, that is.
RELATED RESOURCES: Thriving Body Making An Impact Finding Meaning Thrive Principles Book The Immutable Laws Of Living Book
We need balance. Tony Robbins notes that we have several human drives.
The first two are where we need balance: certainty and variety. We need to be able to count on things in life -- that's certainty. But we also need new experiences and a change of pace -- that's variety.
Too much of one makes most of us crave the other... until we get too much of that.
Balance.
That doesn't mean that we find the space equidistant between certainty and variety, but that we have BOTH as parts of our lives.
How is YOUR balance?
I know I am out of balance when I get exhausted by too much busyness and unpredictability (too much variety, too little certainty) or when I am bored and energy-less (too much certainty, too little variety).
In this week's podcast, I discuss how to find the balance and why it is so important. It is also a great lead-in to this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, where I discuss how this can cause problems in relationships. But it applies to everyone, single or in a relationship.
RELATED RESOURCES: Learning and Life Be an Experiment Show Up Beating Stress
Oh, if only we could control things. Everything. Wouldn't that be nice? Finally, a chance to change the outcome, keep your loved ones safe, rid the world of injustice....
But... we can't. We sometimes get caught up in trying. In particular, we often fall into the trap of trying to control other people. Usually, with bad results. Sometimes, with disasterous results.
And yet... those concerns. They might keep you up at night and fill your day with worry.
Worry is one way we pretend to have control.
So, if we can't control those things out there, what CAN we control?
That is the topic of this episode of the Thriveology Podcast. Listen in and discover the "spheres" in your life -- what you can control, and what you can't.
Then, take action to shift your focus to what you CAN control.
RELATED RESOURCES: The Thrive Principles Book The Immutable Laws of Living Book Thoughts Worry
"But where do I start?", he asked. I was at a conference talking about thriving. I'd spent a good amount of time discussing some principles of thriving. But I could tell it was a bit overwhelming to my new friend.
He challenged me, "You said I could thrive, no matter what life is throwing my way. So, where do I start if things are going well, and where do I start when things are not going so well?"
I thought for a brief moment and said, "Either way, you aim at two targets. They both apply, whether things are going well or not so well. When you are at the top of your game or at the bottom, these two targets remain."
"It can't be that easy," he replied.
"Easy? I never mentioned 'easy.' I just said that there are two targets, no matter where you are," I offered.
"OK," he responded, "I'm all ears. What are the two targets?"
Gratitude and Growth.
Those are the two targets. Targets... you aim at them. You may not always hit them. But you aim at them.
When things are good, it is easier to remember to practice gratitude -- and yet, we often forget to do it. When things are tough, there are still things for which to be grateful. But it can be a challenge.
When times are tough, growth is often the outcome. But it isn't always fun to find the lessons. And when things are good, we think we have it down -- no need to learn. And yet, there are plenty of things to learn at the top. And at that bottom. And in between.
In this episode of the podcast, I discuss these two targets. And how to hit them.
RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude Lessons To Learn Thoughts Thrive Principles
Those thoughts, they get us into trouble, don't they?
We keep looking for that thing that will make us happy. We think we know. We think that thing, that person, that place, that paycheck, position, etc., etc., will finally do it.
Until we get it, get there, have that relationship, or whatever... only to find that it didn't quite work.
Oh, sure, we might be happy for a brief time. But not the way we thought. That "shiny new object" just didn't do it. And back to the drawing board we go.
Mostly because we keep thinking that that thing "out there" is going to do it.
Notice that "happy" and "happen" share a root. Something out there needs to happen in order for us to be happy.
Which is not the path to happiness. No matter what your thoughts are telling you.
In this podcast episode, I discuss why our thoughts trick us, and what to do instead.
RELATED RESOURCES: Thoughts are Thoughts Meaning Making An Impact Happiness?
If you haven't heard it yet, let me be the first to say, "Happy New Year!" I doubt I made the cut, but just in case....
One of my favorite things about school, way back when, was that the semester ended. Each semester stood by itself. No matter how poorly the semester had gone (and there were several), it was over. Classes ended, assignments were in, tests were over. Nothing I could do would change it. So, I might as well turn my attention to the next semester.
It was nice to have a fresh start.
Which, by the way, is available to any of us at any time. We can always choose a fresh start.
It won't wipe the past away. But we do have the option of starting where we are and moving forward.
In the moment, we have that option.
Each day, we have that option. We get up to a new day, and can start fresh.
Every month, we can do the same, closing out the month and moving into something new.
But the new year... that is when we really feel it!
So, how do we make the New Year a Fresh Start? Let's talk about how to do it in this episode of my podcast. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES: Resolutions Forgiving Apologizing Letting It Go Thrive Principles
In the last episode, I discussed 3 ways we get stuck. This week, I cover 3 MORE ways we get stuck.
As it turns out, we humans are pretty darn creative in how we get ourselves stuck.
And how we manage to think it was someone else who did it!
So, in this second round of ways we get stuck, I turn my attention to 3 ways that seem to be outside of ourselves, and outside of our control.
Which is why they are such problems. If you believe the problem is "out there," it is hard to know how to change things "in here."
So, let's take a look at these three ways we get stuck, and how to turn it around.
We all get stuck. We want to move forward... but something holds us back. WE hold ourselves back.
But WHY do we get so stuck?
Well, we do it to ourselves.
We don't mean to do it, but we just get in our own way.
Which also means that once you understand WHY you get stuck, you can get OUT of your own way.
You can get unstuck.
Let's talk about 3 ways you get yourself stuck -- and how to get UN-stuck.
And just like that, the Holiday season is upon us! All the hustle and bustle. All the events. All the demands… in the midst of a time that you want to be enjoyable, meaningful, and manageable! Why the stress? In this week’s Thriveology Podcast, I discuss the causes of holiday stress. But more importantly, I cover the ways to cope with holiday stress. Don’t let stress rob you of the deeper meanings and connections of this holiday season.
"You can't. . . ." "I can't. . . ." That pretty much ends the conversation.
Which is unfortunate. History is littered with people doing the very things someone else said, "You can't do that." Turns out, you can.
And many times, we do the same things to ourselves. We start tell ourselves, "I can't," and then believe it. We know we can't do it. We just told ourselves we can't.
In reality, there are 4 types of "I can'ts." One is absolutely true. The three others are not true. They are about capability, timing, and. . . well, that last one is important enough that I cover it in this week's podcast.
PRIOR PODCAST ON CAN'T
In the United States, we turn our minds this week to being thankful. . . right before we turn our minds to sales, merchandise, consumption. . . and all the things we don't have.
It always strikes me as ironic that on Thursday, we are likely going to share the things for which we are grateful, then on Friday, we will knock each other down for the next "have to have."
Perhaps that is a metaphor of our daily life. We know we should be thankful. We know we should be grateful. And we think we would be. . . if only x,y, and z were true. If only we had the right job, person, money, or toys in our lives. And in that instant, we are pulled back into a scarcity mindset.
A thankful mindset shifts us to gratitude for what we DO have, takes us away from a focus on what we DON'T have, and helps us shift away from the scarcity threat.
Let's be honest: if you are able to read this post, you are among a fortunate group of people with resources. But this isn't really about comparing ourselves to those with less (or more) as much as being grateful for whatever we DO have.
In this week's podcast, I discuss the power of thankfulness, and give you 4 ways to practice gratitude in your life. Try it out to see if it helps you to shift mindsets and thrive.
OTHER RESOURCES: Being Thankful Showing Gratitude Thrive Principles
Do you ever hear yourself say (or just feel), "I'm just not happy"?
What does it mean? What's keeping you feeling better? It might be depression. But it might be something else. (If you are concerned about depression, CHECK OUT THESE RESOURCES.)
There are some other reasons for "just not being happy." In fact, in this week's podcast (you can listen below), I note 4 different reasons. The good news is there is a path through each one. But you can only follow the path when you identify it.
If you are "just not happy," take a listen. If you know someone who is "just not happy," invite them to listen with you!
Your mindset doesn't change what is happening "out there," but it can change how you perceive it "in here," in your mind and thoughts. Which can also change your actions.
The circumstances are the same. But whether you feel stuck or empowered, that depends upon the mindset you carry.
Over the years, I have worked to shift into more productive and useful mindsets when tough times hit.
(And I promise, they will hit -- just part of life. Not a sign that the world, the universe, God, or anything else hates you, is teaching you a lesson, or anything else. Being alive means there will be tough times.)
In this week's podcast, I try to compare some not-so-helpful mindsets with some better ones. I want to suggest three mindsets for you. And you can adopt them at any time!
Mindset is up to you. . . once you realize it is up to you!
RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Roadblocks You and Your Thoughts Thrive Principles
You've got this muscle in you that you might not know about it. Maybe it is strong, just naturally. Or maybe you have built it on purpose. Or maybe it needs a little strengthening.
The muscle?
Your "resilience muscle." It helps power you through tough times, so you can bounce back from the struggles.
Here's the problem: many people don't know you can build it. Many people do their best to avoid tough times and struggles. And many refuse to let that struggle build the muscle.
One problem: the struggles are unavoidable. But if you let that Resilience Muscle atrophy, those struggles are just tougher. If you strengthen the muscle, future struggles are not so insurmountable.
Let's get fit and build that Resilience Muscle!
RELATED RESOURCES Damaged, Resilient, or Thriving? Thrive Principles Book What Thriving People Know About Tough Times
I noticed it sometime around September of last year. . . I was getting sucked into the news! And for several years, I had done a pretty good job of limiting my exposure to the "news."
It seems more like an addiction. . . one little taste. . . and you are pulled right back in!
To be clear, I am not against the news. I am not against reporters. I am not against the networks. EACH of us is responsible for how we take in the information. It's just that too much news does little to inform, but lots to disturb.
Which often leaves us feeling scared, stressed, and helpless. None are necessarily true. Just the way it makes us feel.
In this week's podcast, I discuss how to deal with (and survive) Headline Overload.
HELPFUL RESOURCES: Dealing With Anxiety You and Your Thoughts The Thrive Principles
Start with where you want to end. Always a good plan for any trip. Including the long-range trip of parenting. We need to know where we want to go, if we want any hope of getting there.
This week, we close out the series on Raising Thriving Children with a few reflections and final thoughts. And the first comes straight from Stephen Covey: "Start with the end in mind."
And then course-correct as you go! Because that is part of good navigation. It isn't a straight path. Clarity of the destination is important. Being exactly on-track is not so important.
As you are going through those stages, remember this: Parenting is always toward your own obsolescence. Your task as a parent is to make yourself unnecessary (not absent, just not needed). We are here to raise self-sufficient, capable people. And that requires recognizing that parenting is toward obsolescence.
I provide 5 final thoughts in this week's podcast.
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles The Important Influence On Children Ingredients To Thriving Children Antidote To A Narcissistic World Teaching Thrive Principles To Kids Shift From Expectation To Agreement
"I expect you to _____" is the starting point to many dead-end conversations. First, it is not a conversation -- it is a demand. Second, it often leads to resentment, resistance, or both.
And yet, it tends to be the default for many parents.
Why?
Because they don't see an alternative.
Let me suggest one: Agreement.
"Can we agree ______?" is often far more productive -- and FAR more likely to actually happen.
This is not abdication of parenting. It is recognizing that expectations don't work in relationships. But agreements can be built.
Give it a try.
Listen in to this week's podcast to learn how.
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles The Important Influence On Children Ingredients To Thriving Children Antidote To A Narcissistic World Teaching Thrive Principles To Kids
In my recent book, Thrive Principles, I provide 15 strategies for living a thriving life. In that book, I note that this does not mean an absence of struggle and tough times. I suggest, instead, that these tough times are the fuel for thriving. They are the times we build our thriving muscles -- IF we understand how to thrive.
Guess what?
This is a great list of strategies to teach children and young people. Imagine entering adulthood with those strategies and skills at the ready. Imagine that when the tougher times come, young adults already know how to move through them -- and thrive!
I've noticed that many people never learn to thrive. And many learn to thrive only when they are at a tough point. Then, when nothing is working, they finally have to find a way to thrive -- in the midst of struggle!
Wouldn't it be easier to master those skills along the way, when we are just trying to figure out the skills of life, anyway? What if we just learned the helpful skills -- not the unhelpful coping strategies that usually cause more struggle down the road?
Take a listen to the podcast to hear how those Thrive Principles can help your child. (And if you think YOU might benefit, LEARN MORE HERE or grab Thrive Principles wherever you like to buy your books.)
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles The Important Influence On Children Ingredients To Thriving Children Antidote To A Narcissistic World
Have you noticed that the world is getting more and more narcissistic? More "Me-Me-Me" thinking is infecting society -- to the detriment to the environment, civility, and those at risk.
We can't stay on this course.
Is there an alternative?
I believe there is a clear antidote to the narcissistic culture. And I believe parents play a roll in inoculating their children from the narcissism.
Let's discuss the family antidote to the culture of narcissism.
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles The Important Influence On Children Ingredients To Thriving Children
Have you ever made a recipe -- but forgot a key ingredient? Or maybe put in the wrong ingredient? One time, I left salt out of a cookie recipe. It was pretty bad. Another time, I accidentally put salt in instead of sugar. It was awful.
Ingredients are important.
So, what are the key ingredients to help instill in a child? To help them thrive?
Let's face it: we will be adding ingredients, whether we mean to or not. That's just what happens in the parenting process. The question is whether we are intentional about the ingredients -- and if we have the RIGHT ingredients to put in.
Our goal: A Thriving Person.
The starting point: A child learning to thrive.
Listen to this week's podcast for the 5 key ingredients to raising a thriving child.
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles The Important Influence On Children
There are so many influences on kids these days. They are pulled in so many directions. This has always been true. The influences might change, but the fact that outside influences pull at kids is consistent.
In the 1950's, resilience research started to emerge. It came about because some researchers who were looking at societal ills noticed that some people managed to navigate the same difficulties, and move into normal adulthood.
Once they had examined the societal problems, some researchers turned to the resilient people. They wanted to know why the same problems did not cause the same outcome.
Several factors emerged. One factor is the basis of our discussion today. It is the single, biggest influence on children -- and is an essential factor in learning to thrive.
(Here's a hint -- you are a lot closer to it than you think!)
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction Eggs, Balls, And Turtles
Summer has flown by! Here we are, already at Labor Day in the States. That kind of marks the end of summer for many. Most schools are back in session and schedules start to be a wee bit more important. Structure returns.
And parenting may be ratcheted up just a bit.
It's a great time to be thinking some about your hopes and goals of your parenting. I'm guessing that your hope is NOT to be the rescuer for life. Maybe more like coaching from the sidelines while the kids run their plays.
Or maybe like volunteer turtle patrols.
Know what I mean?
If not, maybe a listen to this week's podcast will clarify for you. Remember, there are two models of viewing kids: Eggs or Balls. I'm leaning toward balls.
Let's think about it in this week's podcast, below.
Raising Thriving Children Series Introduction
If you are a parent, you know that hope/fear. You hope to raise a wonderful human being, and you fear making a mistake on the way.
This week, we begin a series on raising thriving children.
During this series, we will look at the goals of parenting, the limits of parenting, and what a parent can do to help a child learn to thrive. Thriving is not an innate skill. It is learned.
But it can also be lost in the shuffle of life.
I believe there are two paradigms of parenting: children are like eggs or children are like balls.
Since eggs can shatter, they must be protected and insulated. Balls, on the other hand, bounce.
Which model do you see in your own life?
(By the way, if you missed it, I challenged our common understanding of self-confidence just last week. You can learn about that by CLICKING HERE.)
Listen below for the two theories of parenting and an introduction to this new series.
Confidence. We all want to feel it. We are in a culture dedicated to the importance of strong self-confidence. And yet, it always seems out of grasp.
Why is that?
Because we want confidence to be "there," already present. We want it to be a preset of living. You know, just an innate part of you.
But it isn't.
If you have self-confidence that you can do something -- regardless of preparation, training, knowledge, or skill -- that is false self-confidence. And it will fail at the first moment of challenge.
Which is the innate problem in our current model of raising "self-confident children" (and, by the way, next week is the start of a series on Raising Thriving Children).
And it is why we keep hoping to feel confidence, first, rather than having to build it as we go.
Listen to this week's podcast for the Thriving Tool of Confidence -- and we will be wrapping up the Thriving Tool Series with this tool.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator The Importance Matrix The Appreciation Approach A Thriving Breath Systemize Your Life Using Mindfulness To Thrive
It's a hot topic these days: Mindfulness.
It has been touted as a stress reliever. But it is far more than that (although it does relieve stress). Mindfulness is really an awareness your experience. In other words, instead of lost in thought or distracted, you are experiencing the world and you in it.
When you are mindful, you are more engaged with others. You taste the food you are eating. You feel the environment around you.
And you are not as lost in thought. Do remember that your emotional state is a derivative of your thoughts (NOT your experience of your environment).
Stress is really about fear. Fear comes from thoughts. Not the experience, but your thoughts and interpretations of the experience. Reconnecting with the experience disengages the thoughts.
Give it a try. I give 3 simple mindfulness exercises in the podcast below.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator The Importance Matrix The Appreciation Approach A Thriving Breath Systemize Your Life
Goals are great. Except they give you no path to get there. And goals can interfere with your happiness. If you can't get there, you feel frustrated. Once you do get there, you can feel let down, not sure what to do next.
But you need goals, right?
Well, they are a starting point.
But what if you put "systems" in place to move you toward your goal?
Some people believe they need habits that move them forward. But habits are formed through systems you create to move you forward toward some goal.
Want to write a book? Don't focus on the book every day. Focus on writing every day. Set aside 15 minutes, maybe an hour, and write. Or decide to write 500 words per day. That is your system. Follow it, and soon you have a book. But then there is a system that moves you forward, past the goal.
Make sense?
Listen to this week's podcast for more info on "systeming" your life.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator The Importance Matrix The Appreciation Approach A Thriving Breath
It happens automatically. You don't even think about it. Unless you choose to notice it -- or even change it. And it's a good thing it happens automatically. Otherwise, you would not last long.
Breathing.
Even if you don't ever think about it, your breathing will keep oxygen coming into your body and carbon dioxide going out of your body. In and out. All day long.
No big deal, right?
Wrong.
HOW you breathe determines whether your body acts as if there is a threat or whether your body assumes everything is alright. One way causes stress. The other way creates calm.
One way is how you likely breathe on a regular basis -- and especially when there is a perceived threat or stressful situation. The other way allows you to calm yourself down, increase your oxygen supply, and shift away from fear/stress.
Ready to shift to a thriving breath? Listen below
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator The Importance Matrix The Appreciation Approach
Your brain is really only capable of being in one of two modes: fear/threat or love/appreciation. Unfortunately, the fear/threat mode is pretty much the default and automatic.
Fortunately, changing to manual and shifting to love/appreciation is not complicated.
More than that, there is plenty of research to point to the specific benefits of that shift:
Better emotional health, Higher pain tolerance, Higher sociability, Greater life satisfaction, More sleep, More exercise, etc., etc., etc.
There really isn't much of a downside to gratitude and appreciation. It just requires a shift in habits to get there.
Got 10 minutes or so per day, just for the next month? YOU can build your appreciation/gratitude toolkit and add it to your Thriving Toolbox.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator The Importance Matrix
Do you find yourself chasing after all of those "urgent" tasks, only to discover that they really don't matter?
President Dwight Eisenhower said, "I have to kinds of problems. The urgent and the important. The urgent are not important and the important are never urgent."
Sometimes, the urgent things ARE important. They probably get done right then and there. But then the urgent (but not important) tend to crowd out the important (but not urgent). For example, those meetings and tasks at work that you take on can seem urgent. But they might not be important. On the other hand, relationships with a spouse or children can get pushed to the side because they are not urgent. Yet they are important.
The sad part is when the important (but not urgent) get shuffled off to the side for so long that they become no longer important. Broken relationships, hurting spouses -- they drift away.
The Eisenhower Box is named for President Eisenhower. It is a powerful tool in your Thriving Toolbox, as you work to get priorities clarified.
Listen in to learn how to use it in your life.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift Your Built-In Importance Indicator
Wouldn't it be nice if you had a built-in detector that let you know when something is important? Kind of like a treasure detector to point out when to pay attention and dig in?
Guess what?
You do!
But you probably aren't using it the way it was designed. Most people aren't. In fact, most people use this indicator as an Avoidance Indicator -- using it to AVOID things, even important things.
Used correctly, this built-in indicator will help you decide what is important and what is trivial. It will also guide your choices. Used incorrectly, and it will keep you stuck, small, and missing opportunities.
Ready to learn how to use it? Listen below. . .
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula The Perspective Shift
As I ran through the woods, I could only see the trees and path right in front of me. I had no idea how far up the mountain I had climbed. I had no idea about the turns in the trail ahead. And I couldn't even see very far back, given all the twists. My vision was only the few yards ahead.
Sometimes, life is like that. We are so close to something, we lose perspective. We can only see the next little period of time. Which means that some things seem bigger than they are, and some things seem insignificant, but prove important.
Fortunately, one tool in your Thrive Toolbox is the capacity of changing perspectives when you want.
This week, to equip you, I want to provide you with 4 perspective shifts you can use. Then, you can see the forest, even when the trees are right in front.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can The Responsibility Formula
E + R = O
It's one of my favorite formulas. And it isn't even math!
Well, it kinda is. It is the Responsibility Formula Dr. Robert Resnick developed, and Jack Canfield popularized.
And it is powerful.
Like most formulas, all the parts must be present.
Many times, people assume that what happens around them determines what happens to them. They miss a piece of the formula.
Sometimes, people assume they have full control of life, that they can choose their path, without outside interference. They also miss a piece of the formula.
Master this formula and you will have a grasp on responsibility in your life -- and how to work the formula in your favor.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness Only Control What You Can
Isn't it interesting how much time people spend trying to control what they can't control, and how little time we spend trying to control what we can control?
Imagine what would happen if we could flip that. What if we spent our time trying to control what we CAN control. And what if we released the rest?
There are really only 3 things that you can truly control. After that, you are wasting your time and energy. And you will likely frustrate yourself and others.
This week, as we add another tool to the toolbox, let's look at the 3 A's you can control.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction Thought Awareness
The human mind is amazing. It is capable of so much. Thoughts that lead to great works of art, inventions, beautiful buildings, great literature, and everyday life. Thoughts can also lead to destruction, pain, hurt, and anguish. All from the same mind.
Your mind and my mind does one thing all day long: it creates thoughts. Some are helpful. Others, not so much.
The fact that the mind creates these thoughts is not a problem. The fact that we forget we are thinking, that IS a problem. Because then we confuse a thought with reality. And we act as if that thought is real.
The first tool of thriving is Thought Awareness. It is always within your grasp. But it is a tool many people fail to use.
Let's talk about how to use Thought Awareness to thrive.
Tools of Thriving Series Introduction
Having the right tool can make ALL the difference. Ever tried to drive a screw with a hammer? I have. It didn't go so well.
A few years back, I was changing out some faucets. After stripping the skin off my knuckles and muttering a few choice words, I decided there HAD to be a tool that would help me get those faucets loose.
Turns out there was! Once I had the tool, everything was easier.
The other day, as I was taking my morning walk with Ziggy (my dog), it occurred to me that there were some tools that help you to thrive. You might need these tools in your "thrive toolbox."
Some are mindset shifts. Others are processes. And others are exercises. They all help you build toward a thriving life.
This week, we launch into a new series on these Thriving Tools. What they are. How to use them. How they help you to thrive.
Listen below.
In my latest book, Thrive Principles, one of my strategies is Accepting What Is. Which has caused some readers to wonder how that fits into my ideas about constantly growing and changing.
They are not mutually opposed. Accepting What Is creates a beginning point, a starting line. From there, you can move toward who you want to be. You can build a life of meaning and purpose.
Many people struggle with where they are. But where we are is just that, our current spot. Not a permanent place, but a starting point.
This week, I discuss how to both Accept What Is AND plot a growth course to become the person you want to be. Make your impact with both sides of the equation.
Wouldn't it make sense if we just made things easy, direct, and effective?
We don't. We tend to complicate things. Repeatedly.
Life is already a challenge many days. So why do we make it harder on ourselves? Sometimes, it is mental blocks. Sometimes, it is reaction. Sometimes, we let our emotions run the show.
This week, I discuss 3 ways you likely complicate your life. I know, because I fall into those same traps many times.
The first step is understanding the traps. The second step is avoiding those traps.
Listen in to discover 3 ways you complicate your life. . . and how to avoid those traps.
I was madly taking notes at a conference a couple of months back. This guy beside me was taking no notes. I was impressed with someone who could remember all the details needed. The conference was about setting up social media, blogs, and other technical elements of launching a program.
At the break, I turned to him and chatted. I asked him what he did, and what he was hoping to get out of the conference. He shared. I asked him how it was going so far. For the rest of the break, he told me "WHY this won't work for me."
Huh. I was spending the conference asking "HOW can I get this implemented as quickly as possible?" I was puzzled. Why was he doubting, seeing WHY it would not work, and I was scrambling to figure out HOW to do it.
And I paused. Because I have done the exact same thing as my seat neighbor. Plenty of times, I was hearing great ideas, but only fixated on why it would NOT work. In fact, my wife called me on being a NO person years ago. And I am trying to reform.
In many areas, hopefully more and more, I am a HOW person. What about you? Where are you a WHY person? Where could you be more of a HOW person?
Listen to the podcast below for more on what I mean and how to do it.
We all get them. Sometimes there is a reason. Sometimes, they just catch you for no real reason. Down days. Those days that seem to be energy-less, lacking in passion, and kinda blue.
I was having a down day, so I went to my "Down Day Toolbox" to make it through and make it better. And I thought, why not share my toolbox? I bet you have a toolbox, too.
Down Days are normal. Too many down days can indicate a bigger issue. But if are just having a down day, accept it for what it is. . . then pull out your toolbox and see if you can turn it around.
Listen below for more on my toolbox. If you have suggestions of your own, leave them in the comments area below.
Over the last few weeks, we've focused on habits as a path to your thriving life. If you missed any of the weeks, the links are noted below.
Today, we wrap up the series by noting the difference between two types of habits: revolutionary habits and evolutionary habits.
Let's say you are currently not exercising, but decide to start. You decide to take up jogging. That is revolutionary. You are making a 180 degree turn and doing something completely different.
But let's say you have been jogging for awhile -- long enough to call it "running." And you decide to add in some resistance training (you might call it "weight lifting"). That is an evolutionary habit. You are pivoting your exercise habit to a wider array.
Big changes come from revolutionary habits. But they tend to be spread out. You can't take on a new revolutionary habit every week. Evolutionary habits are more about fine-tuning and constantly improving. You may be shifting habits in evolutionary ways day after day.
What are the Revolutionary Habits you need to make? What are the Evolutionary Habits you need to shift?
Listen to the podcast below for more understanding and clarity -- and how to do it!
Habit Series: You Become Your Habits Habit Sticking Habiting Your Goals LinchPin Habits Thought Habits
For the last few weeks, we've been talking habits. What they are, how they form who you are, how you make them stick, how to turn your goals into habits, and finding your "linchpin habits."
This week, I want to draw your attention to your thoughts. Really, I want to draw attention to the fact that your thinking is also habitual. Not all of your thoughts. But how you think and many of the thoughts are really habits.
Those thought habits can either keep you stuck or push you along, depending on the habits.
Do you notice that you think the same way, over and over? Or perhaps you notice you think the same thoughts over and over. Those are thought habits.
Once those habits start, they become invisible. Your thoughts keep following the same pathway (in fact, the same neuronal pathway).
Thought habits only change when they are seen as habits. Let's make those thoughts thriving thoughts!
Listen below for how your thoughts are habits and what to do.
Habit Series: You Become Your Habits Habit Sticking Habiting Your Goals LinchPin Habits
A single habit can be tough, either to make or break. But what if you could make one habit and it multiplied into other habits? What if there is a linchpin habit for you that sets others in motion?
The fact is, we all have linchpin habits. The question is whether they are working for or against you. Many people have bad linchpin habits. The habit of watching the game with the guys that leads to overeating and over drinking, for example.
If you want to move in the other directions, toward useful habits, find your linchpin habit in that direction.
Discover your linchpin habit in today's podcast. Listen below.
Habit Series: You Become Your Habits Habit Sticking Habiting Your Goals
We like to make goals. Most of us start the year with a set of goals. And most goals, certainly most resolutions, never quite make it. Goals are "out there," some deadline in the future. Resolutions may start now, but rarely do they make it into habit.
Think about goals as an end result of your systems and habits. If you just set goals, they will always be "out there." But if you create systems (your environment) and habits (repeated actions), you move toward the goals.
Goals are fine. But only when supported by your systems and habits.
Learn more in this week's podcast. You can listen below.
Habit Series: You Become Your Habits Habit Sticking
Last week, we started a series on habits. Your life is, in many ways, built on a series of habits. Some are good. Some get in your way.
It always seems to me that we form bad habits so much easier than good habits! And these aren't the habits we want to "stick."
Which raises the question of how to make those good habits stick. How do you start a habit and keep it going?
If you are a "New Years Resolutions" kind of person, you may notice how few of those habits make it far into the New Year. I've noticed the packed gym in January is deserted before the end of February. Healthy foods begin to be replaced by snacks fairly quickly. Running shoes never quite get broken in.
Is it a lost cause?
Should we just give up on those good habits?
Considering how much of life is actually habits, it is important to find ways of building habits and keeping habits. This is the skill of making habits stick.
Let's talk about making those habits stick!
Habit Series: You Become Your Habits
For a long time, habits seemed to be a useless topic to me. Got a bad habit? Change it. Need a good habit? Build it.
But the more I reflect, the more I realize how much of life is really about habits. More than that, I have noticed how hard those bad habits are to break. And how hard those good habits are to build.
So I started paying more attention to my habits. I started studying habits.
My first observation: the vast majority of daily life runs on habits. Habits of what you do to get ready in the morning, habits of how you get to work and where you park, habits of how you work, what you do after work, bedtime, etc. Sure, there are choices all day long. But in the background: habits.
Some habits just help you run your day. Some help your life. Others get in the way. And in the end, you become your habits. For good AND bad.
This week, we start a new series on habits: what they are, how we form them, how we make them stick, and how we build them out.
This week, let's talk about habiting.
Today is a big day for me. It is the release date for my new book, Thrive Principles. This book is near and dear to my heart. I have lived with it for years, collecting and developing the strategies throughout my career.
The fifteen strategies can help you build a thriving life, regardless of what is going on in your life. Tough times or easy times, we can all thrive throughout life.
Please check out my new baby at the book's website RIGHT HERE.
Since I have spent a great deal of time thinking about these principles, I have come to understand how intertwined the principles are. In fact, I have realized that you don't have to focus on all 15. Choose a few. The others will almost naturally come through.
A coaching client challenged me, "Can you boil it down? Make it stupid-simple."
So I did. But I wanted to be clear, "Simple" does not equal "Easy." If someone wants an easy way to thrive. . . it doesn't exist. In fact, taking the easy way is how many people suffer and stay stuck.
What I discovered in coaching was focusing on two pieces is the core of it all: 1) Personal Responsibility 2) Meaning/Purpose/Impact Triad
Put your focus there and you thrive. The other principles serve as clarifying and support strategies.
I cover these two pieces in today's podcast below.
In the meantime, please CHECK OUT MY NEW BOOK HERE.
It happened long ago, in what feels like another life. And the story I tell is absolutely true (as far as I absolutely remember it happening this way!). I promise accuracy, as far as my memory is capable.
Early in my college life, my rather foolish young man's brain thought it made sense to drive to the beach, toward a pending hurricane. . . and surf! I will readily admit that if my kids checked in with me about their plans, I would urge them to reconsider. And likely knowing this would also be true in my case, I did not check in with my parents.
Not surprisingly, we were able to find a good room for cheap. It would appear that all the traffic we saw going the other way, as we headed to the coast, were those leaving behind rooms.
In my own defense, this was in the day when people would ride out a storm, proudly buying an "I survived Hurricane ______" t-shirt.
I don't have a t-shirt, but I did learn a lesson. I apply it every single day, as I strive to thrive.
Can I tell you my little story? Listen below. . .
(I mentioned my new book. Please Check It Out HERE!)
It's a dizzying world, disorienting and jarring. And every day, you have to make decisions about how to live your life. What is your primary focus point? How do you orient your life?
In workshops, I have asked this same question. People begin to name their priorities: family, happiness, reputation, respect, or even profit. Does that provide a moment-by-moment re-orientation?
Nope.
The other day, I was on a crazy, spinny ride with my daughter. I told her, "Keep your eyes focused on the middle, right in the center." In the middle of the ride, I did just the opposite, looking to my side.
I was immediately dizzy. But as soon as I turned my focus back to the center, the middle point, my focus came back. The dizziness fell away.
In this dizzying world, what is your center point? I'll tell you mine. . .
In recent days, I have been with people in the middle of horrific losses. Inevitably, someone steps up and in an attempt to comfort, says, "Everything happens for a reason."
That comment is rarely comforting in the painful moments.
But deeper than that, is it even true?
Many people default to this as a reaction to something that happens and is outside of our capacity to understand.
Sometimes, we want to think that there is something behind it -- not just some random event. But what does that phrase mean? Does it mean that some force is trying to teach some lesson?
For many people, the answer is yes.
But does that make it so?
Does everything happen for a reason?
Let's chat. . .
RELATED RESOURCES: Moving Through Grief Living The Big Stuff with Kristine Carlson
Yep, MY midlife. Because I find myself at midlife (maybe, even probably, beyond "midpoint," but in the midst of midlife).
I thought that since I have been discussing midlife transitions and crises, I needed to be open about my own midlife issues and transitions. While not a crisis, it is definitely a transition.
Let me be clear that I don't believe I should in any way be a model of how to do this (or how NOT to do this). But I do think it may be helpful to hear from someone else who is going through this.
It turns out that many people think what they are feeling is unique to them -- and that is just NOT so. Midlife is a transition. And it CAN become a crisis.
Here's how it has been for me. . .
MID LIFE TRANSITION SERIES 4 Myths of a Mid Life Crisis The Heart Of A Midlife Crisis A Healthy Midlife Transition Midlife Crisis or Depression?
"I think I might be depressed," he told me. I wasn't convinced.
When Brian was talking, it seemed he was searching more than he was lost.
Depression, unhappiness, and a midlife crisis can look very similar.
But they are very different. And the way through each is different.
Brian felt depressed. But in reality, he was trying to figure it all out. He was in a crisis. He didn't need to be treated for depression. He needed to get through his midlife crisis.
Sometimes, people hit midlife, and it IS depression. If you (or someone you know) is at midlife and not sure if it is a midlife crisis, depression, or just unhappiness, let's talk about the differences. Each has a different path.
MID LIFE TRANSITION SERIES 4 Myths of a Mid Life Crisis The Heart Of A Midlife Crisis A Healthy Midlife Transition
Not every mid-lifer manages a crisis. Many make a healthy transition to the new stage of life and development.
The difference?
There are several factors that come into play. Central is a misunderstanding about what is happening.
Many people refuse to admit some change is happening. They hold onto old models that no longer work. They cling to old habits that no longer help.
When people come into my office and tell me they think they are having a midlife crisis, I congratulate them and ask, "What took you so long?" The longer their delay, the deeper the crisis.
Let's talk about some strategies of dealing with a midlife crisis in a healthy way.
MID LIFE TRANSITION SERIES 4 Myths of a Mid Life Crisis The Heart Of A Midlife Crisis
Most people slide right into midlife, out of breath from exertion. Up until then, it is all about achieve. What can I do, build, and achieve? Then, something shifts. It is about believe. What do I believe? What's important? What will I leave as my legacy?
And that is the heart of a midlife crisis. Meaning becomes a dominant theme, often covered up by the fumblings of someone not used to that question.
Many people at midlife feel a yearning, but they can't quite identify what they are yearning for. That yearning is the deeper call of meaning.
I cover the Heart of a Midlife Crisis in this week's podcast.
MID LIFE TRANSFORMATION SERIES 4 Myths of A Mid Life Crisis
This week, we turn our attention to mid-life. Maybe because that is where I am!
Many clients come to me in the midst of a midlife crisis. But that term carries so much baggage that many people are even embarrassed to consider the fact that it might just be. . . a. . . mid-life crisis brewing!
Too bad. In reality, mid life is all about transformation. New opportunities abound. Possible growth and change is on the horizon. Deeper meaning. Greater purpose. Huge impact. All the possibilities of a midlife transformation.
In the last couple of years, headlines blared, "Mid Life Crisis Is A Myth." But they missed the point of a midlife crisis. The scale used in research was "happiness." Wrong scale. The right scale is about meaning. Besides, nobody has figured out how to define or measure happiness with any clarity.
Instead of focusing on the "myth of the midlife crisis," this week, I turn my attention to 4 myths about midlife crises.
Care to join me? Listen below:
Every year, my everyone in my family chooses a word to live into for the coming year. This replaced my New Year's Resolutions almost a decade ago. After I started this podcast, I have shared my word with you.
2016 was my year of Appreciation. I wrote letters to a number of people, letting them know how much I appreciated them in my life. I took a number of people out to lunch and did the same thing.
One person has since died. I treasure the fact that I had the chance of sharing my deep appreciation for him with him. So, yes, my word is important to me.
I put my word at the top of the calendar. So, when I open my schedule for the day, there it is, first thing in the morning. I am intentional about choosing it. And I am intentional in honoring that word throughout the year.
This year, my word is LEAN. It has a dual meaning for me. In this week's Podcast, I share why I chose that word and why it is important to me (and I give you a rundown of all my other words in past years).
What's YOUR word?
RELATED LINKS: 2015's Word Why I Choose A Word
How many times do you hear someone say, "I'm so stressed!" Or how many times do YOU think and feel that?
We live in a culture that seems to revel in being stressed. Unfortunately, it is sometimes a badge of honor -- the cost of being in demand and doing important stuff.
But is it?
How do you not just "deal" with stress, but beat stress? Well, first, we need to be clear about what stress REALLY is (and what it isn't). Then, we can talk about strategies for addressing the REAL issue.
When you are "stressed," there isn't a solution. When you know what it is, the solution(s) are easier.
Let's talk about defeating stress with 6 strategies in the training below.
How do you build a thriving year? By having thriving days.
How do you have thriving days? By focusing on how you start your day and end your day. What happens in the middle tends to take care of itself -- IF you start strong and end strong.
Do you have a morning plan or ritual? How about an evening plan or ritual? Are you still looking for a way to start and end each day?
I'm not sure my plan is perfect. And I don't follow it perfectly. But it is working for me. I do my best to follow it. My intention is to do better this year. My plan is to continually improve my plan.
Listen and tell me what you think. Let me know what YOU do in the comments below.
(Here is an earlier podcast on mornings and an earlier podcast on evenings.)
"You can't take my joy!" What a great line. And it fits so many times. You are having a great day -- and then that one person, that difficult person. . . . They try to rob your joy!
So, how DO you deal with difficult people? Because they are all around. At work, in your community. . . maybe even in your own family!
You can't escape them. You need a plan on how to deal with them.
Let me tell you my 6 steps for dealing with difficult people.
And if you need to upgrade your boundaries, CLICK HERE for free training. If you need to upgrade your personal standards, CLICK HERE for free training.
(Listen to How To Deal With Difficult People training below.)
In the midst of my own serious illness years ago, I had friends who were more than willing to share with me the many ways I might die from my illness. They seemed to have missed the fact that I had the same information.
But they also missed the fact that I refused to play through every potential scenario. Not because I was in denial, but because it did not benefit me to focus on it.
In reflection, I used three specific phrases to stay focused on my life (and not my potential demise).
And in fact, these same thoughts and reflections are strong sources of me thriving to this day.
Let me tell you about the thoughts I held and continue to hold when dealing with life circumstances.
Are there other thoughts YOU use? Share in the comments below.
If there is one thing clearly evident: we do not have a choice in what life sends our way. Sometimes, things happen. Good things, bad things, in-between things. "Stuff" happens.
Sometimes, we have zero control over what happens. Sometimes, we have some influence on what happens. Sometimes, we have control. But what about the things that just happen?
We have no choice about that.
But we do have a choice in how we live it out.
After the initial shock of adjusting to something, we get to choose how we move forward. We can choose how we respond, who we choose to be, and what it teaches.
Listen for more details on how to choose your living when "stuff" happens.
(Learn more about Responsibility HERE.)
When I look around, it seems that everything has a design, a purpose. Trees have a design of making leaves and fruit. When the design fails, the tree fails and dies.
I believe humans have a design built in. We are designed for making an impact. The impact can be helpful or harmful. We can look around and see plenty of harmful impacts humans have made. And we can also look around for helpful and positive impacts.
Then there are people who don't seem to be making any impact.
But what if we decide to make a positive impact? We discover our purpose. We discover meaning.
While we are designed for impact, it is up to each of us to discover our own unique point of impact -- and make that impact!
Let's talk about your "impact design" and why you need to make that impact.
(This is the final episode of the Immutable Laws of Living Series. The rest of the series is linked below.)
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is Control What You Can (Release The Rest) Forgive To Live Life Is The NOW How Do You Spend Your Time? Fear Or Love, Your Choice
Have you ever wondered whether your brain controlled your mind or your mind controlled your brain? Here is the answer:
YES.
Your brain certainly affects your thinking. But your thinking affects your brain. . . and you can CHOOSE where your thoughts dwell.
Brain chemistry is much more complicated. And we know very little about how that chemistry works, anyway.
What we DO know about the brain is there are three layers. The most primitive and deepest part of your brain scans the environment for threats -- locking you into a fight/flight mode when it is activated. The next layer is all about emotions. And the top layer is about thoughts and reason. We like that part. But we often forget about the other layers. Those other layers can keep us stuck, though.
Let's talk about your brain and your mind. Let's discuss how to shift to Love/Appreciation -- or you default to Fear/Threat.
Where do you want to spend your time?
(If you missed the earlier parts of the Immutable Laws Of Living Series, the links are below.) Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is Control What You Can (Release The Rest) Forgive To Live Life Is The NOW How Do You Spend Your Time?
How do you spend your time? What an interesting phrase. You are, whether you realize it or not, spending a commodity. In fact, the most valuable commodity. Because you can't get it back. You spend an hour on something. That hour is gone. Spend some money on an outfit, and you can make more money. But you can't make more time.
Do you treat your time as a precious commodity? Or do you find it leaking away?
As a Chaplain, I spent years talking with people at the end of their lives. Their regrets seemed never about having not spent more time at work. Really, there regret was most often about not treasuring the time. Perhaps they wished they had traveled more or spent more time with family or contributed more time to help the world. Some wished they had laughed more and enjoyed life more. But the biggest regret was simply not treasuring their time.
Time is the most precious commodity. Let's talk about why that is and what to do about it in this week's free audio podcast.
(and if you've missed other podcasts in this series, here are the links:) Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is Control What You Can (Release The Rest) Forgive To Live Life Is The NOW
Do you ever find yourself "lost in thought?" I am willing to bet your thoughts are pulling to the past, the future, or an alternate past. In other words, you are thinking about what happened (or you wish had happened) or about what might happen.
But life is flying by right NOW. And being lost to the past/future of your mind.
We humans are blessed and cursed. We are blessed with the capacity of imagining and remembering. We file memories away through language. If I said, "What did you do last Saturday?", you would search your memory database by wondering, "What DID I do last Saturday?" Then, you would recall the party or event you attended. As far as I can tell, my dog doesn't recall much when I ask about our walk yesterday. Language.
You can also imagine what could be through imagination. I could ask, "What do you want to do next summer?" Off your mind would go, imagining what next summer might hold. Asking my dog about his thoughts for next summer is likely not creating much of a mental thought process for him.
But that curse. . . .
You can also think back on that bad encounter last week with your friend or spouse. You can worry about what next week might hold at work. You can remember those hurts and pains from childhood. You can worriedly think about your finances in retirement.
Same process.
And whether reflecting on good events or bad, imagining good things or bad, we can all lose track of this moment, this NOW. We humans have the unique ability (and dis-ability) of mentally living in times other than NOW.
As I discuss in this week's free audio podcast, Life is the NOW.
(and if you've missed other podcasts in this series, here are the links:) Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is Control What You Can (Release The Rest) Forgive To Live
Here's a concept that trips up many people: Forgiveness.
Oh, sure, you know you should forgive. But you just don't know if that is the best idea. Maybe you believe you just can't forget what happened (myth: "forgive and forget"). Or maybe you don't think that person deserves to be "let off the hook" (also a myth). Or perhaps you don't want to have anything to do with that person (forgiving and connecting are 2 different things).
In this week's podcast, I discuss the myths of forgiveness -- and how important it is to practice forgiving. And if you need a process to follow on how to forgive, check out this earlier podcast or you can check out this one.
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is Control What You Can (Release The Rest)
Control. We all want it. We all try to have it.
And yet, we usually try to control things we cannot control (like, say, other people). At the same time, we often fail to control the things we can (like, say, ourselves!).
Which tends to pretty much keep us spinning around. Frustration and desperation come on the heels of feeling out of control.
One important issue: we have to discern between those two things: what we can control and what we can't. THEN we can commit to controlling what we can, AND releasing the rest.
In this week's podcast, we discuss controlling the things we can control (I'll name them) and releasing the things we can't (I'll name those, too). Take a listen!
(And if you have missed out on earlier episodes from the ILL series, the links are below.)
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility "What Is" IS What Is
Ever notice how much time and energy we spend (waste) struggling with "what is?"
We want things to be different than they are. We want things to have happened differently than they did.
Yet here we are, and those things DID happen.
And we still spend time and energy thinking about how things "should" be different, trying to somehow "make" them different. All to no avail.
We are better served coming to terms with "What Is," and then choosing how to move forward.
Do you find yourself struggling with What Is? Do you find yourself struggling to accept where you are and what has happened?
Let's talk about how to stop wasting that time and energy. What Is IS what is. . .
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears Life is YOUR Responsibility
100%
All you.
Your life is 100% your responsibility. (Notice I did NOT say 100% your fault. HUGE difference between fault and responsibility.)
Your life and how it goes is YOUR responsibility. That would be your "Ability to Respond." You get a choice in that.
Many times, we like to pretend we don't have choices, we are pushed by forces beyond us. And yes, things do happen. We then have a choice on what we do. That is the responsibility piece.it isn't o
Let me explain further in this week's podcast episode. Hit the "play" button below!
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can We ALL Have Fears
Fear is wired into our brain. And there isn't any way to unwire it!
Which is probably for the best. Sometimes, fear keeps you from doing something foolish. It helps to keep you alive.
But it can also keep you stuck.
In many coaching sessions, I ask, "Why didn't you do that very important thing you know you need to do in order to have a better life, a thriving life?" (OK, I usually condense that to asking why they didn't do X, whatever X was.)
And the #1 most common response?
"Because I was afraid!"
Fear does not serve us well when it holds us back.
(Here's a little secret: we ALL have fears. What you do about them determines whether you are thriving or stuck. Your choice. Listen below for some help.)
Oh, and here are the links to the other episodes in the Immutable Laws of Living Series:
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable People Do The Best They Can
Other than a few people who were being self-critical and a bit harsh with themselves, I have yet to have someone say, "You know, I am just not trying. I am kinda sliding by, not really doing what I think I should."
Almost everyone (other than those few who were really just sharing their personal self-criticism) tells me how they are doing the best they can. . . and not getting where they want to get to.
Over the years, I have decided that people really do the best they can, given where they are. That is a life precept for me -- my way of viewing people. Admittedly, I have times when I have to remind myself of this little belief. Not because I stopped believing, but because I lost my empathy. Then I step back, see it again, and reaffirm that people do the best they can.
To be clear, that does not mean that we are all operating at optimal functioning. Far from it. "Where we are" is what keeps us from operating at a better place. It is just my belief that people are truly doing the best they (we) can, given where they (we) are.
Care to hear more? Listen to my podcast below (and just below are links to the rest of the Immutable Laws of Living Series).
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited Change Is Inevitable
There is one constant in life: Change. It doesn't matter if you hate change (most people) or love change (a few people -- but usually, only when the change is going their way!). The change happens.
Watch the seasons of the year go by. Summer just blew through. Fall is, inescapably (at least north of the equator) coming in. Watch your kids. Like it or not, they keep right on marching toward adulthood. And (painfully, I might add), watch as your body continues to age -- no matter what you do to stop it. It just keeps on coming.
Change.
It is inevitable.
So, do we ignore it? Do we hate it? Or do we accept it and learn to grow with it?
Listen below for my (thriving) opinion.
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought Every Perspective Is Limited
You've probably heard the story about the group of blind men describing an elephant, all touching a different part of the elephant. Not surprisingly, they all have a different view of what an elephant is. . . because they have a limited perspective.
We ALL have a limited perspective. We ALL only partly see reality -- then promptly pretend/believe we see reality clearly. We don't. None of us.
Which may be part of the issue with our world today. Politics, science, religion, education, diet, social issues. . . we tend to each believe our own view is the correct one. So, there is an inadvertent amount of energy spent trying to fix the "other person's" viewpoint. . . forgetting the limits we all have on perspective.
In our higher moments, we can easily see that we only see partially. In calm times, we understand that we all have limitations, imperfect views and attitudes. But when we fill challenged or stressed, we forget, and we start to believe we see things as they ARE.
Which is, perhaps, why we struggle to get along.
And this is when we violate the Immutable Law of Living: Every Perspective Is Limited. Listen to this week's podcast below.
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness A Thought Is A Thought
Pretty much all day, you are thinking. That is built into our design. We think, ponder, consider, worry over, dream about, and pretty much run everything through our thoughts.
That isn't really a problem. Except when we forget we are thinking.
When we forget we are thinking, we confuse those thoughts with reality. And we start responding to reality from the basis of our thoughts -- which are always at least a little faulty.
When we forget we are thinking, we assume that what pops in our head is reality and must be pondered. So, we think and think, stirring thoughts into anxiety. Then, we assume that, too, is true.
You can't stop the thinking. You can recognize a thought is a thought.
Listen below and let me know what you think!
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges Life Isn't About Happiness
OK, before you kick me to the curb and tell me you want to be happy, hear me out. I don't want you to be miserable. But I also don't think life is simply about being happy.
In fact, that assumption is often what leads people to some pretty bad places of addiction, consumption, debt, unhealthy behavior -- and unhappiness.
So many times, people have said to me that they are guaranteed happiness in the Declaration of Independence. I first remind them that they are given the "unalienable right" to the "pursuit of happiness." Not to be happy.
Second, I point out that our founding fathers did not have the same idea of "happy" that we seem to find in popular culture. Their idea was a bit deeper -- and tightly tied to the Greek idea of Eudaemonia, a term that was about living a life of virtue a "Good Life."
Let me say again, I do not think life is about being unhappy or miserable. But I tend to think the more we chase happiness, the more it eludes us. Because life isn't really about happiness.
Listen below and let me know what you think!
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair Life Has Challenges
Last week, I discussed the fact that life isn't fair. That is the first immutable law of living. Because when you struggle against it, trying to make life fair, you lose. When you accept life isn't fair, you shift. Life isn't about fairness.
In fact, one of the reasons we believe life isn't fair is because tough things happen in life. Challenges and tragedies strike. We believe these are anomalies, things that shouldn't happen. So we start struggling against those challenges.
Which leads us to the second Immutable Law of Living: Life Has Challenges. No way around it. Challenges come our way.
We have no choice about the challenges. We do have a choice on what we do when the challenge comes our way. We can protest that "this shouldn't be happening," even continuing that "this isn't fair." And yet, those things still come our way.
How do we respond, then, to the challenges that come our way?
Immutable Laws Of Living Series: Life Isn't Fair
If you follow my marriage podcast, you know I am in the midst of a series on the "Immutable Laws of Marriage." These "laws" are violated at the expense of the relationship. There are also Immutable Laws of Living. And this week, we start looking at those laws.
No, you won't be in legal trouble if you violate these laws. You will be in thriving trouble, though. These are laws that help us to thrive, if we abide by them. And these laws hold us back, if we push against them.
The first "law" is also a cry I hear from many people, "Life isn't fair!" Indeed, it is not. And that is not the point of life. Life is not about "fair" or "unfair." People cry out about the unfairness of life, hoping that will change things, shift things to be fair. That shift doesn't happen.
But instead of shifting views, people continue to proclaim and protest, "Life Isn't Fair."
They are correct, and that is OK. Here's how to abide by this law.
There is one reason I shared the Thriving Body Series: so you can build a thriving body. I have noticed that we live in a culture of body-shaming or body-ignoring. We live in a world focused on "what you look like," compared to some ideal created by media. So, many people feel inadequate -- leading to giving up or dysfunctional lifestyles.
Others simply pretend they don't inhabit a body. That is no better. People act as if their physical body doesn't count, ignoring the fact that their body is what takes them through life in this world.
What if the focus was on being healthy and well? As well as possible, and healthy as possible, given the limits of each person's own body. Might that be a better "third way?"
During this series, I tried to focus on some big rubrics of a thriving body: eating to nourish that body, exercising to build that body, resting to recharge that body, de-stressing to reduce the wear-and-tear on the body.
Now, we wrap the series up. Let's put it together and build a thriving body, so you can have a thriving life!
Your Thriving Body Series: Introduction Fueling Your Thriving Body Fueling You Thriving Body, Pt. 2 Moving Your Thriving Body Resting Your Thriving Body Calming Your Thriving Body
"I'm so stressed out," has become a very common refrain. But what does that mean? Have you paused for a moment to wonder, what is behind that idea?
We all have moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed and frazzled. We all have times when we react to some event. Our body comes along for the ride. Adrenaline spikes, headaches strike, stomachs get upset, palms get sweaty. . . our body goes into Fight/Flight mode. Not a pretty picture, and not very fun.
We all have our coping strategies. Some are helpful and healthy, others -- not so much. Some people crawl under the covers and hide from those events. Others rely on a few choice substances to forget those events or at least numb the body.
But some have found other, healthier, ways to face the events, understand their response, and move through the responses. They experience the same event but learn to move through healthily and helpfully.
Let's talk about the truth of stress -- and how to deal with stress effectively , but healthily.
Your Thriving Body Series: Introduction Fueling Your Thriving Body Fueling You Thriving Body, Pt. 2 Moving Your Thriving Body Resting Your Thriving Body
Do you get the rest you (and your body) need? Most people don't.
Research on sleep reveals that almost 50% of people say they do not get enough sleep.
And your body takes a toll for this. Slower healing, chronic disease, fuzzy thinking, physical decline, and even weight gain, all have been tied to a lack of adequate sleep.
Here is the painful truth: if you are skipping on sleep, you are most likely just borrowing that time from the end of your life. The more chronic your sleeplessness, the higher your chances of suffering from sleep-related health issues.
So, let's talk about why you need sleep and how to get it. And how to better quality sleep, the you do sleep.
Listen below to hear about how to rest your thriving body (and you can catch up on the Thriving Body Series in the links below).
Your Thriving Body Series: Introduction Fueling Your Thriving Body Fueling You Thriving Body, Pt. 2 Moving Your Thriving Body
Two podcasts ago, I covered fueling your thriving body (how to eat to thrive).
That raised some questions. So this week, I answer your questions.
Let's talk some more about the best sources for energy when you are fueling that thriving body.
And I can tell you some more of the reasons I have chosen the approach I follow.
It may not fit for you. But just last night, I was chatting with several people who adopted my strategy when they saw the changes in my life. To a person, they have become healthier and more resilient. Several were able to drop prescriptions. Several reported having symptoms disappear -- things that had kept them from being active and involved (thriving, I would say).
Listen below for the 2nd part of Fueling Your Thriving Body.
Your Thriving Body Series: Introduction Fueling Your Thriving Body Moving Your Thriving Body
We addressed how to fuel your thriving body (how to eat) last week. That is a fundamental building block of a thriving body.
But what about building that thriving body? That is all about exercise.
I look for the M.E.D. (Minimally Effective Dosage) of exercise. What is the minimum you need to do, in order to get your body in shape?
It takes FAR less time than you might imagine. In fact, many people OVER-exercise and miss the mark of building a thriving body. They end up tearing it down, all in the effort of building it up. (I see this mistake all the time.)
If you are wanting to get started, but can't imagine fitting one more thing into your day, how about as little as 7 minutes?
Let's talk about what to do to build your thriving body. Listen below.
Your Thriving Body Series: Introduction Fueling Your Thriving Body
Last week, we started a new series, Your Thriving Body. My focus is on how we build a thriving body. Not a "beach body," not a six-pack. Not any particular body shape. But a thriving body.
We all have limits and limitations. But how can we best live a thriving life, physically?
This became important to me when I was sick, realizing that I had neglected an important part of thriving: your body has to take you through life.
With that in mind, we look at how you fuel your body. I want to share my own journey of understanding the foods that best nurture my body. We may not agree on all the pieces. But I want to share my approach -- and the "why" of my approach.
Fueling your body, nourishing it, is about experimenting with what works best for you. So, lets chat about that!
Somehow I missed it. I was cruising through life, doing my thing, working hard, and trying to move forward.
What did I miss?
That my body was what took me through life.
And it was quite a rude awakening. Like a doctor telling you and your wife that you were headed for total disability -- and then death.
That will wake you up! (Well, it woke me up, for sure.)
Here I was, learning about thriving and resilience, and my body was NOT thriving. I was overweight, out of shape -- and almost out of time!
You can hear the whole story in this week's podcast. But clearly, I did not die (at least, not yet). And I began to recover my lost health. I got serious about this body that had to carry me through life. And I learned a few lessons along the way.
In this new series, I want to share some of what I learned.
(NOTE: I am not a trainer, dietician, or physician. This information comes from my own studies and experience. I hope it is useful. But it is not intended to replace the advice of experts.)
People get stuck for several reasons:
The Past The Future Your Energy
None of the 3 have to keep you stuck. First, you have to identify the source of "Stuck," and then decide how to move through it.
Unstuck becomes a choice -- but only after understanding the Stuck. Stare at the Cost-Benefit and decide if you are just choosing to be stuck. Or if you are ready to move beyond it.
As we wrap up the Get Unstuck series, I provide some specific steps to take in order to be free from the pains of the past, the anxieties of the future, and a lack of energy. Join me as we move beyond Stuck.
GETTING UNSTUCK SERIES Intro To Getting Unstuck How You Get Stuck You Are Not As Stuck As You Think Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck Loops Shift Your Perspective When Fear Has You Stuck The KNAC Protocol For Getting Unstuck 4 Steps To Changing Limiting Beliefs
Within you, lurking just below the surface, there are some beliefs that are limiting you. Your Limiting Beliefs influence your thoughts and your perspective. They mold your paradigm and keep you held hostage.
You can break free from those beliefs. You don't have to be held hostage. There is a simple 4-step process that will allow you to defeat and destroy those beliefs, once and for all.
Here are the 4 C's steps:
C-onscious C-hallenge C-hange C-ommit
And once you know the secret to uncovering the beliefs, you just apply the steps, one-by-one. The limiting beliefs dissipate, replaced by your aspirational beliefs.
Try them out and tell me what you think!
GETTING UNSTUCK SERIES Intro To Getting Unstuck How You Get Stuck You Are Not As Stuck As You Think Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck Loops Shift Your Perspective When Fear Has You Stuck The KNAC Protocol For Getting Unstuck
You here it all the time: "Knowledge is power."
Not true. Knowledge is just information. Perhaps it is information that is digested and understood. But it is still information.
For knowledge to be power, something else needs to be applied: Action. Action, based on knowledge, then becomes power.
But here's the hook: Action that is important is always accompanied by fear. If there is no fear, it is routine, normal, and just an action. If you are stuck, you are probably stuck because you know you need to go to the next step, and the next step is scary.
So, you need Courage. Courage is from the heart, facing fear, and taking action. It is not action with no fear. Any action taken, in spite of fear, shows courage.
Together, the KNAC Protocol helps you to guide yourself through change, and helps you to get unstuck.
Listen below to master the KNAC Protocol.
(And here are links to the earlier segments of this series:) Intro To Getting Unstuck How You Get Stuck You Are Not As Stuck As You Think Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck Loops Shift Your Perspective When Fear Has You Stuck Anchored Or Stuck?
Are you anchored, waiting for the next opportunity to sail? Or are you stuck?
Sometimes, we have to set anchor for a bit, let the tide change, wait for a storm to pass, or wait for a new day.
Sometimes, we set the anchor so well that we end up stuck.
Time to weigh anchor and depart. Time to seek the next port.
Let me suggest three A's to help you weigh anchor and get sailing:
A- Acceptance
A- Awe
A- Appreciation
No need to stay stuck. Grab the tools you need and anchors aweigh!
Fear. It hits us all. And I'm not talking about a "fright," a startle from something around you. But fear. True fear.
We all have it. But it doesn't have to keep you stuck.
The real problem is our relationship with fear. We learn to avoid fear -- and the things that provoke fear.
In fact, it is not the thing, but our thoughts and avoidance of even feeling the fear, that keeps us stuck.
Too many times, people will mention something they want to do, then continue with why that can't because of a fear.
It is as if the fear has some power to stop the dreams, the hopes, the aspirations. The only power the fear has is the power we give it.
The antidote? Courage. Action. Courageous action.
Here's how:
When we get stuck, we can't see beyond ourselves. When we can't see beyond ourselves, we get stuck.
Perspective -- or lack of a different perspective -- is what keeps us in that stuck space.
The good news is a shift in perspective is always available to you. In fact, there are several shifts you can make, at will, at any time.
Use these shifts to get unstuck. A new perspective gives you a new view. See the forest, not just the tree in front of you. Just beyond that is your UnStuck.
Listen below for how to shift your perspective and get unstuck.
It's just human nature. We like things
And when they're not, they can often tug at us, pulling energy and focus away. When things are left hanging, we feel (oh, by the way, the last word from that first line is "finished") incomplete, unfinished, unsatisfied.
So, what is a "Loop?" Great question. This one concept, if you understand it, will help you get free. If you feel stuck, this is something you need to understand. More than that, this is one of the most. . .
Tell you what, I'll let you listen and hear for yourself.
(And here are links to the earlier segments of this series:) Intro To Getting Unstuck How You Get Stuck You Are Not As Stuck As You Think Give Up Your Goals & Get Unstuck
As counter-intuitive as it sounds, if you are stuck, one of the first things to do is give up your goals.
Which may lead you to think that my idea of getting unstuck just means that you leave things the way they are. Instead of being stuck, you might be stranded.
Nope. That is NOT what I mean. You see, I think that goals often cause us to be even more stuck.
Most of the time, people fail at the goals they set (look no further to the empty gyms in late January). Not only that, but if someone achieves a goal, they often then slip away from the goal, falling back "below the line." And, by the way, the best you can do is get "to the line."
Not very appealing, is it?
Not only that, but many goals we create are not even within our control. If you have the goal to make the football team, a coach has to choose you. Many might have that goal. Lots get cut from the team.
Goals sounding worse?
But there is an alternative. One that you CAN control, live into, and move into. Let me tell you about it.
Series: Intro To Getting Unstuck You Are Not As Stuck As You Think
Stuck. We all feel it sometimes. We can't get ourselves in gear, out of our own way, moving in the right direction, or even moving at all.
There are some reasons we get stuck. But I truly believe we are never quite as stuck as we feel.
When I feel stuck, it is sometimes helpful for me to remind myself of why I am not quite as stuck as I feel. When I do that, I get a little momentum.
A little momentum is what I need to begin the process of getting unstuck.
And after you listen to the podcast, you will realize: you have LOTS of momentum. LOTS is changing. . . if you are looking.
Introduction To Getting Unstuck Series
We all have those times when we feel stuck. And we tend to get stuck for the same few reasons:
The Past Limiting Beliefs Lack of Clarity Fear
Sometimes, we stay anchored in the past, to the old stories and old scripts -- and we don't even realize it.
Other times, we carry around limiting beliefs about what is even possible. We don't tap into the possibilities and potentials, but fall into believing our own limited perspective. We believe the self-imposed limits.
And still other times, we just don't know what to do. We stand at the fork(s) in the road, not sure which to choose. So, we fail to choose.
And many times, fear keeps us stuck. We fear the unknown, fear change, fear failure, and even fear success.
Let's explore those reasons we get stuck, and begin to get un-stuck.
Grab a pencil and paper! I have a little exercise for you to do!
PREVIOUS UNSTUCK: Intro To Unstuck
During my career as a therapist, person after person came to figure out why they were stuck. As I transitioned to coaching, I realized my focus was on how to get unstuck.
How we get stuck is merely a starting point. The real task is how to get un-stuck and moving toward our aspirations.
When we are stuck, we can't be thriving. But the process of getting unstuck is also the process of thriving.
I believe that we all have the capacity of being un-stuck, regardless of circumstances and situations.
How you are stuck is similar for all of us. What you do when you are un-stuck, that can vary greatly. But the process of getting unstuck is the same.
Today, listen in as I tell you how Bill got stuck.
If this strikes a cord in you, please share this episode with the social sharing buttons below, and consider giving a review of the podcast in iTunes or in Stitcher.
Let's thrive!
Anxiety. It sometimes seems to surround us. Sometimes, it can even overwhelm.
But anxiety doesn't have to hold you back. You can learn to walk through life without allowing anxiety to control you.
Remember that we have "anxiety" wiring in your brain. But we get to choose how much strength we allow that circuit.
Don't let anxiety rule your life. Learn what causes anxiety, how to short it out, and how to move beyond the anxiety.
And yes, panic attacks are all about anxiety. They are storms of anxiety. Learn how to keep the attacks from striking, and what to do if they do strike.
Take back your life from anxiety. Learn how in today's podcast.
[ALSO: Let me say a BIG thank you to my newest patrons (through Patreon): Robert, Tracy, Aarti, Derek, Mimi, Ted, Jeff, and Susanna. If you find value in Thriveology and would like to help support us, please consider being a Patron. CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE] RELATED RESOURCE: Defeating Depression Series
We all often seek comfort.
But is the comfort we find killing us?
Is the comfort, perhaps more subtly, holding us back?
Here is the problem: we find something comfortable, something "better," something bigger. Then, instead of bigger, better, more comfortable, it just becomes the routine.
[tweetthis]Habituation is a bitch! - Lee Baucom[/tweetthis]
Habituation is the process by which anything becomes the normal. Buy your dream home/car/watch/whatever. Quickly, it is "just" a home/car/watch/whatever. The dream disappears.
Or go the other way: lose a job, have to downsize. At first, it hurts. Then, it becomes a new normal. You "habituate," either way.
The problem is, our insatiable move toward comfort becomes more and more limiting: "I'll only fly first class," "I have simple tastes: only the best," etc., etc.
Food gets richer, exercise has to be "comfortable," and we find ourselves unable to tolerate discomfort.
Here is the problem: every life has discomfort and struggle. When we are always looking only for comfort, we tend to avoid the discomfort. And over time, we become uncomfortable about any discomfort.
But what if we could be more comfortable with discomfort? What if we could take on some small discomforts as inoculation against big discomfort?
Listen below and see how that might help, and how to do it.
My son and I were off the coast, fishing in some pretty chilly water. We kept pulling up little fish, but nothing that would serve as dinner. While we were bobbing out there, I was wondering what those fish were thinking. They were hanging out, trying to stay warm, when suddenly, there appears a tasty morsel, tempting them to grab a quick bite.
Once they bite, they are hooked! They are now in a fight with that line, and ultimately the person fishing. They may get away, they may get eaten. Either way, the day changed drastically for them.
But fish aren't the only creatures that "take the bait." I did it just last night. There was a Facebook post that tweeked me. I knew better. Even while I was commenting. I knew I should just delete my comment, back out of the post, and keep on swimming. But I didn't. I clicked to post. And. . . I took the bait.
Would my comment change ANYONE'S mind? Nope. Would it help me? Nope. It only raised the volume of an argument.
I took the bait.
And I got hooked.
Which led me to spend some time reflecting on how to better NOT get hooked. Whether it is someone on the internet, a colleague, a friend, a spouse, a parent, or a child, we get bait dangled in front of us every day.
Our choice: will we bite or keep on swimming?
I offer 4 strategies to keep from biting.
It is an interesting human characteristic that we spend lots of energy trying to rework and change the past -- at the same time, we fail to believe we can change our future!
A belief that the future is unchangeable (and actions/inactions that often reveal this hidden belief) is called fatalism. It is a belief that fate is set. The ancient Greeks and Romans believed in the Fates, three women who created the thread of life for each person, measured it out, then cut it, when it was time to die. No beating the fates.
Que sera sera.
"Whatever will be, will be."
I think I much prefer (please excuse my attempt at translation), Que fuera era. Whatever was, was. That might be "reverse fatalism." The past has happened and can't be changed. But we do have some choice about how the future plays out.
We don't have FULL control of our futures. But we have much more than we often like to claim. And that might be the better focus: changing what we CAN change, what we CAN control.
The past is NOT part of what we can change. The future (starting in the present) holds much more potential.
Join me as I explore this "Reverse Fatalism."
RELATED RESOURCES: Interview With Jack Canfield Accepting What Is The Control Paradox Forgive Show Up Responsibility Gratitude Consider Being A Patron
Let's just say it and get it out of the way. You, I, and everyone else, is going to die. An inescapable fact of life. We will die.
A morbid thought? I don't think it has to be a morbid thought, as much as an organizing thought.
Reality.
It brings things into focus.
Years ago, I met a man who was dying from cancer. He was focused, determined. His prognosis was terminal, so that was not his determination. He was determined to live out the rest of his life to the fullest. He spent his time working on projects dear to him. He made apologies and amends to those whom he felt he had hurt. He was letting his loved ones know they were loved.
His imminent death gave him focus.
One day, he turned to me, after I told him how much I respected how he was facing death, and said, "What about YOUR death?"
"What?," I asked. I wasn't the one dying, after all.
Then he said, "YOU are going to die, too. Maybe after me, maybe before me. But you will die, too. Don't wait. There may be no waiting."
Death has a way of rearranging your priorities.
Listen to this week's podcast to ponder death and YOUR life.
Control. We all want it. We strive for it, wrestle for it, grab for it. . . and end up trying to control the wrong things.
Human nature. We try to control the things we can't control, and abdicate control over the things we should control.
When we try to control people, events, and things external to us, we are headed for frustration and failure.
When we seek to control things within ourselves, we discover resolve and build a thriving life.
And yet, we generally seek to control those external things. That happens out of fear.
At the same time, we fail to control those internal things within us. That happens out of blame (and fear).
Time to solve the Control Paradox! (Listen below for how to solve it. And hey, if you find it useful, could you SHARE so that others can find it?)
All the way back to the first century, one philosopher suggested 2 simple words to guide a thriving life (he didn't really call it a thriving life, but that was what he described). Those 2 words are still crucial for building a thriving life. And they are 2 words that you can easily practice and build.
Think of each word as representing a muscle. The more you practice, the stronger it gets. More than that, think of these 2 words as coordinating muscles. Kind of like the muscles you use to push and the muscles you use to pull.
In fact, one word is all about pulling something toward you, and the other is all about pushing something(s) away from you.
That first century philosopher? Epictetus. The 2 words? To quote Epictetus, "persist and resist." Keep moving through the hardships to get where you want to be (persist) and keep resisting the pleasures that pull you off your path (resist).
Learn how to apply those two words in your own thriving life in this week's podcast.
Ever feel like you are just running around on that hamster wheel, stuck and repeating?
That's the Stuck Cycle. It starts with stress and ends with stress. In between are the behaviors you do to cope (but that only leave you feeling worse).
Here's a little secret: most people live in the Stuck Cycle. That's the bad news.
The good news is you don't HAVE to. Right now, without knowing it, you are choosing it. And guess what? I was in my Stuck Cycle earlier. I just followed a few steps to break it.
In fact, there are 3 steps to breaking your Stuck Cycle. Ready to break it? Learn the 3 steps in this week's podcast.
"Life is not pass/fail but trial & error." Nick Vujic
How do you live your life? When something doesn't work out, do you see it as a failure, or another attempt? When something tough comes along, do you take it on as an experiment, or walk away?
We know it as children. Every skill is a trial & error. You don't learn to sit up, crawl, walk, run, talk, read, ride a bike, or a myriad of other things, the first time you try.
You just keep on trying.
There aren't many able-bodied babies laying on the ground, staring up at the ceiling, saying, "Well, that crawl thing is just not going to work out. But I gave it a shot. I'll just hang here." Nope, they pull themselves up and try again.
So, when do we forget that? When do we start seeing everything as pass/fail?
Trial & error. Life is full of little experiments -- attempts. Keep attempting long enough (with a little reflection and learning) and pretty soon, the experiment pays off.
When did you stop your experiments? What are the places you believed you had failed, when it was only a failed attempt?
Take on the Trial & Error Mindset!
Where did we get the notion that life should be one smooth glide down Easy Street? Never has been, never will be. Life is full of struggles, times of discomfort, and challenges.
Thank goodness!
Growth only comes from the struggles and challenges. What we call "stress" is what gives us strength. We rise to a challenge, learn new skills, and get ready for the next challenge.
Don't get me wrong. I am not encouraging you to chase after struggles and challenges. You don't need to, since they will come your way.
The question is what you do when a struggle DOES come your way. Do you duck-and-hide, proclaim "life is unfair," or do you take it on as a challenge? A challenge is something to move through, overcome, learn from, and grow into.
And THAT is the power of a struggle or challenge.
Life is an episode of: Discomfort ==> Change ==> Comfort ==> Discomfort (and repeat). We have periods of comfort, AFTER we have moved through the discomfort, the struggle -- UNLESS we avoid the discomfort (or try to). Then, there is no growth, there is no new capacity, and really no comfort.
When the discomfort comes, will you take it on as a sign that it is time to grow?
Learn how in this week's podcast episode.
(And, hey, if you like it, can you share it below?)
About a month ago, you may have made a few resolutions. Or maybe you didn't need a resolution. You already had a direction. You knew where you were headed.
How's it going? Are you on-track?? Focused??? Making progress????
If you aren't, consider yourself normal. But before you console yourself too much, you don't have to stay stuck.
Yes, losing focus is normal. No, it does not lead you toward a rich and thriving life. It just protects the status quo.
Stephen Covey notes how the "Important and Urgent" of life usually gets done, because it has to get done. But the "UnImportant and Urgent" often gets our attention, after the important and urgent. The "Important and Not Urgent" is where we often lose our focus. Sometimes, we get lost even in the "UnImportant and Non Urgent," which is a huge time-suck (think TV, FB, etc., etc., etc.).
Why do we lose focus? We humans are funny that way, aren't we?
Here's the problem: those "Important but Not Urgent" can suddenly become URGENT. Health, for example, is important. But we often don't pay attention. . . until something bad happens. THEN it becomes urgent!
Or how about relationships? A marriage is important. But until it is a crisis, many people don't realize it is also urgent. Then, there is a crisis, and it becomes URGENT.
Let me suggest 4 steps to regaining your focus. Listen below and regain your focus!
In the last podcast, I suggested giving up a Fear Life, and moving to a Fierce Life. That was not a life devoid of fear, but one that chose a path in spite of fear. It is the courageous life, lived with clarity and purpose, and with intensity.
Sometimes, how we think about ourselves, our personal beliefs, hold us back. We get caught up in "I'm not. . ." and "I can't. . . ."
When I started running, I never knew when I could start calling myself a "runner." When I decided to run? After my first run? After my first race? After running for a week, a month, a year?
Sometimes, it is the difference between process and product. For example, the "product" that many people want are 6-pack abs. They forget about the process of daily healthy choices. They get stuck on the end result, not the path to get there.
This is true with living a fierce life. That life is built one choice, one step, one day, at a time.
To be honest, when I was preparing for the last few podcasts, I found myself saying, "I don't live a fierce life -- I'm not fierce." I let my old belief system establish whether I am that person or not. Do I always live fiercely? No. But can I choose to live MORE fiercely? Absolutely!
And a fierce life is built one choice, one decision, one action at a time. Slowly, you become FIERCE.
I used to wish for a fearless life. You know, that place where you no longer have fears. Only confidence and drive.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to live a life of fear, held back by fears and concerns.
I just no longer believe that a "fearless" life is possible. Fear is too important and too deeply embedded in us.
In fact, I want to have some fear around. Something needs to make me pause and say, "Is this safe? Should I be doing this?"
And more importantly, for a full life, I need fear to point out the important areas and important directions. As I have stated in other trainings and podcasts, fear is NOT an "Avoidance Indicator." It is an "Importance Indicator." Fear serves to point out when something is important. It may be of safety importance, or it could be of epic importance.
If the goal is not "fearless living," then what is the goal?
Fierce Living.
Living fiercely. Focused, clear, intentional, and courageous.
How do you make the shift? Listen in to this week's training.
And then, live fiercely!
PREVIOUS PODCASTS IN THE FEAR SERIES The Other Side Of Fear 3 Myths of Fear 4 Steps to Taming Your Fear Worry Less, Live More 2 Magic Questions To Live Beyond Fear
Over the years, I have met several people who told me they "had no fear." I immediately knew one of two things were true: either they were unaware or or unwilling to admit to fear, or they were not pushing very hard.
That doesn't mean that we should live in fear every day. Only that fear is a part of any growth and development.
There are plenty of moments in life that are carefree and fearless. But an overall life that is without fear is a life lived too small.
The danger, though, is being trapped by fear, reduced by fear, and boxed by fear.
People grow and change, though, through questions. Asking, "I wonder. . . " or "What if. . . " or "How could I. . . " lead to change, inventions, adventure, exploration.
Fear, on the other hand, lives in statements: "You can't do that. . . " or "Be careful of that. . . " or "I wouldn't do that. . . ."
That's the way fear keeps us hostage -- by talking in absolutes. Fear pretends to be the authority on what you can do, what you should do.
But fear doesn't need to have the last word. We can always sneak around fear, to find your bigger life, your better place.
Just ask the 2 Magic Questions I outline in the training, and you can move beyond your fear.
Grab a couple of sheets of paper and a pen, so you will be ready to follow the process.
PREVIOUS PODCASTS IN THE FEAR SERIES The Other Side Of Fear 3 Myths of Fear 4 Steps to Taming Your Fear Worry Less, Live More
I keep trying to figure out what the opposite word of "worry" is. That would be when you are constantly thinking about all the good things that might happen.
My guess is, there is no such word, because worry is what people do, not the opposite.
In 1883, Andrew Carnegie had a character in a novel say, "I have been surrounded by trouble all my life long, but there is a curious thing about them -- nine-tenths of them never happened."
Isn't that just the nature of worry? We keep on worrying, even though the things we worry about almost never happen. The things that DO happen are usually surprises. But every now and then, we are right something we worry about happens. And we just use that as proof that we should worry.
We are in the middle of a series on fear, and I hear people lump "worries and fears" together. But worries are just wastes of mental energy. They are useless. Fear, on the other hand, can point you toward the important things. Worry just gets our attention, distracting us from more important things.
You can't stop the seeds of worry, but you can certainly give them less room to bloom and blossom, the weeds of your thinking that choke out more important things.
Let's address the 5 steps to weeding out the worries. Listen below.
You can never eliminate fear. But you CAN tame it! Really, your choice is between feeding and growing your fear, or taming it. The first will only chase you further into a cave. The second option, taming it, leads you to what is most important to you.
When your fear is fed and grows, you grow smaller.
When your fear is tamed, you grow larger -- into a larger life, with greater impact, deeper meaning, and more purpose.
There are 4 steps to taming your fear, once you name it. Here they are:
Call it out. Assess it. Aim. Actualize.
Learn how to move through these steps and discover your larger life!
RELATED RESOURCES: New Series: Fear 3 Myths of Fear Martha Beck's Article On Fear
Fear. Does it get in your way? Do you believe the myths of fear?
Those myths keep you stuck. Fear becomes the jailor of your life, not the friend it pretends to be.
If you want to get to the other side of fear, you need to know the myths of fear. Let's talk about the 3 big ones in this week's Thriveology Podcast.
Will you get rid of your fears? No. But that isn't the goal, and isn't even necessary.
It IS necessary to understand the myths, and then move beyond the fears the the life you want and deserve.
We start a new series for Thriveology Podcast: The Other Side of Fear.
Over the years, countless clients have said the same thing. First, they would tell me of some dream, some goal, some hope, they wanted to attain. I would then ask, "Why haven't you started?"
And the answer was always the same, "I'm too scared to start."
They wanted to stop feeling fear.
My goal was a bit different. It was to get them to be able to say, "I'm scared, AND I am getting started."
Fear. It is one of those inevitables of life. Many people assume that there is some group of people out there who are successful BECAUSE they have no fear. In reality, successful people have gotten there DESPITE their fears.
They have the same fears that everyone does. They have simply taken the next step, and begun to act.
Let's take a look at the other side of fear, where all your dreams are!
It is a noisy world. There are so many voices and opinions coming at you. There are so many thoughts in your own head. Noisy.
At a recent conference, the presenter noted that music is simply noise with rules applied. For me, it is noise with rules and with filters.
Do you filter the noise out from around you?
Ignore the noise that pulls you away from who you are and what you are about.
If you want to write a book and everyone is telling you how unlikely it is that you will get it published, or how few books become bestsellers, ignore the noise. Write your book.
If you are in a troubled relationship and everyone is telling you to let go, but you want to work on it, ignore the noise. Work on the relationship (barring abuse, that is).
If you want to run a marathon, but people are telling you how hard it is to train, ignore the noise. Start running (or walking)!
Noise.
If you let all the noise in, you will never find your voice, and you will never write your music. Ignore the noise.
Children naturally do it. Young adults do it. And then we forget to keep it up.
Experimenting. Life is built on it. Any new development starts with it.
Right now, while I am writing this, I am in the middle of one of my experiments. My torso is wrapped in frozen gel packs. Yep, I am freezing myself (well, really just cooling my core). This experiment is all about cold adaptation and what happens to my body.
But to be honest, that is one of my "kicks" in life, trying out little experiments here and there. I have tried various eating programs, exercise regimens, learning experiments, and other pursuits. Really, just to see what happens.
When you were a baby, at some point, you thought, "I wonder what would happen if I pulled myself up onto these feet." (OK, admittedly, you likely did not have those words. But you did have that drive.) Sometime later, you asked, "I wonder what would happen if I DIDN'T do what my parents told me." (And that may have ended in any number of ways -- point being, you were experimenting.)
Later, you wondered what would happen if you chatted with that attractive person over there, took that job, took that training, moved to that city, etc., etc., etc.
In other words, experimenting is a part of life.
And then we forget to keep it up. We get stuck in a rut, with the "same 'ol, same 'ol" being the daily life.
Time to experiment. People tell me they don't like change. So, don't worry about change. Just try an experiment!
What's YOUR experiment?
We spend lots of time trying to control our Fears, Feelings, and Thoughts. But, we can't. We can decide how long they will keep us stuck, but we just can't stop them from popping up. And yet, we spend LOTS of energy trying to avoid them.
Why not spend your time on what you CAN control?
You do have a choice about your Aspirations, Attitude, and Actions. Focus there.
Let go of the things you can't control and then choose to control what you CAN control.
Listen below for details.
Too often, we get stuck in "either/or" thinking. We believe that our choice is either A or B. And usually, the magic is in plan C (or D - Z).
Our "binary thinking" trips us up. We just see things that way: left/right, yes/no, good/bad, up/down, even Democrat/Republican. And because of that binary thinking, we start missing the myriad of other options.
Unfortunately, that leaves us with few (well, 2) options when we make decisions. Usually, those two options lack in potential for getting us anywhere new.
I have often found myself acting as if there were only 2 choices. But one particular experience of being stuck between option 1 and option 2 taught me that option 3 was what made all the difference. It changed my entire trajectory of life.
Want to hear about it and how to find your option 3/plan C? Listen below.
No, I am not predicting a huge catastrophe, destroying the world. And I am not stuck in a disaster area.
But I remember hearing someone say that about life: "We aren't getting out of here alive." Simple. And profound.
Between birth and death, what is life about?
I have come to believe that we humans have a unique gift: we are built to make an impact, a difference in life. We can make a negative impact or a positive impact. But we WILL make an impact.
As I have watched people, when you aim at positive impact, your life takes on purpose and meaning. It becomes significant to you. And you begin to move toward something bigger and greater.
Are you standing in the impact zone, or are you still stuck?
Change. So many times, I hear people say, "I don't like change."
But it seems to me that we like change,
when we choose it, and when we want it.
Over the years, I noticed that change doesn't always come in the ways we want it, and the time the want it. Change chooses us, and sometimes challenges us.
That creates the "Change Matrix." In my little schema, change falls into four quadrants:
Each quadrant has opportunities and challenges.
Change isn't optional. Change comes to us, no matter how much we resist. Sometimes, we chase it. Sometimes we avoid it. But it still comes. That is the nature of life.
What can YOU do, in the midst of change?
You are telling a story, to yourself or to somebody else. In your mind, you are just telling the facts, "telling it like it is," and "just the facts, ma'am." But rarely is it just the facts. It may include facts, but there is a "fiction" that is added on -- the fiction comes from your beliefs and perspective.
We have this running story in our minds, that creates the narrative of our lives. And that very narrative is what gets us stuck. Those thoughts come from a set of beliefs. Those beliefs come because we repeatedly think the same thoughts, coming to believe them as fact.
But it is possible to get unstuck, simply by stepping back and noticing those thoughts.
Your life is created by the story you tell. The story you tell is made by the thoughts you have. The thoughts you have come from beliefs you hold. And those beliefs? Not as true as you think.
Listen in as Kim Ades (expert coach in your thinking process) and I discuss a real-life situation of someone stuck in a thought process.
And learn a simple technique you can use to get yourself unstuck from those thoughts. Check it out in this week's podcast below.
(And you can listen to the earlier interview I had with Kim Ades by CLICKING HERE Visit FrameOfMindCoaching.com HERE)
Change. Not a favorite of many people. Life is constantly changing, but that doesn't mean people like change.
When people decide to change: lose weight, exercise, get out of debt, or some other worthy goal -- suddenly, they want to turn everything upside-down.
Which lasts for a few days. But many times, they return to right were they were. No real change. Just lots of energy.
There is a better way.
Let me be clear -- there are times, due to health or finances or a relationship, where you have to turn everything around at once. But for everyday life, there is a better approach.
Change just 1 thing.
Learn why in this week's podcast.
Are you focused on the problem or the solution? I've noticed that people fall into one category or the other.
The "Problemers" tend to be well aware of why something can't be done. They can give you the reasons why, the limits of anything, and tell you why it won't change.
And then, there are the "Solvers." They are the ones who are actively doing what others say can't be done.
Which are you? Do you focus on the problem or the solution?
When we focus on the problem, we find our Problem Horizon getting tighter and tighter. We see far less of the possibilities and opportunities when we are stuck on the problem.
You may have heard the quote, "Those who say it can't be done should stay out of the way of those doing it." Let me suggest that it is possible to go from being the one saying it can't be done, to the one doing it. And you can do it in 4 steps.
In fact, if you think you can't do that, please pay attention! You can, and I can tell you how.
Learn how to move from being a "Problemer" to being a "Solver." It is an important trait of thrivers.
So much press on self-esteem. And so little evidence that self-esteem predicts success or mental health. A higher-than-average level of self-esteem is, however, associated with juvenile delinquency and narcissism.
Then why do we find schools, parents, and other organizations focused on building self-esteem in ourselves and our children?
There is something else that has been demonstrated to help with mental health and well-being. That "something else" is self-compassion.
When things are tough, do you give yourself a break? Not "let yourself off the hook," but remind yourself that you are doing the best you can?
My guess is you have the same thing in your mind that I do: a critical voice that is happy to point out my shortcomings and foibles. You might even listen to the same critical voice that you would tell a friend to ignore.
Self-compassion is about understanding that you (and others) do the best you (and they) can do, given current state-of-mind and situations. Instead of listening to the critical voice, how about the loving voice that knows you are, like it or not, human. And that you are trying.
This is not about saying "I have no need to change, here I am." But it is about saying, "here I am, and I need to accept that. I need to give myself a break!"
Learn about self-compassion -- what it is and how to extend it to yourself.
Does "curiosity kill the cat?" Hardly. In fact, that is a mis-quote.
The actual quote is "care killed the cat." And that is probably MUCH more accurate these days!
Yet that same phrase about curiosity and death has been used to shut down the curiosity of many children and adults.
Too bad. I would argue that curiosity is a cornerstone of a thriving life. It leads us to new and different places. It pushes us to take on challenges and to learn new things. It stretches us beyond the current stuck place.
Curiosity is central to thriving MORE in life. If you have forgotten how to be curious, listen in as we discuss just how important your curiosity can be.