Dr. Kevin Leman: Recent Episodes
Dr. Kevin Leman: NY Times Best Selling Author
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Are we contributing to our 6-year-old’s crying fits?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, especially the kids. Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on maintaining respect from your kids on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do we help our grandchildren through their parents’ divorce?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
How do you know when your kid is ready to join the workforce? Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why won’t my 3.5-year-old stay in bed?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
What do you do if your pre-teen son or daughter hasn’t made any friends? Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Our 16-year-old is using illegal drugs. Do we let him live on his own?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Dr. Leman goes back to the basics and discusses the home vs. hotel concept on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I stop arguing with my 7-year-old who corrects everything I say?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Dr. Leman goes back to the basics and lists the “4 aces” every parent has on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why does my 18-month-old whine at home even though they act great in public” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Dr. Leman goes back to the basics and explains the “tennis ball of life” concept on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 7th grader is saying yes to sex and I don’t know what to do.” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s far too easy to rely on screens for your kid’s entertainment. Dr. Leman discusses screenless forms of toddler entertainment on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 14-year-old does well in school, but is unmotivated in other areas. Should I be concerned?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Do you have a tendency to buy more and more things for your kids during the Holiday season? Dr. Leman warns about Holiday consumerism in your kids on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
*Special Offer– Dec 1 — 15: Stopping Stress before It Stops You* ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Can I build a unified family identity if I am divorced?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
*Special Offer– Dec 1 — 15: Stopping Stress before It Stops You* ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Have you ever wanted to quit your marriage and parenting altogether? Dr. Leman details the key next steps you should take on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.
*Special Offer– Nov 15 — 30: Have a New Sex Life by Friday* ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My son struggles to focus. Does he have ADHD?” Listen to Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by...
Do you have to bring your kids to every obligatory gathering during the holidays? Dr. Leman gives his two cents on this episode of the Have a New Kid by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 6-year-old perfectionist lashes out and threatens me when he doesn’t get his way. What do I do?” Listen in to find out...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 6-year-old perfectionist lashes out and threatens me when he doesn’t get his way. What do I do?” Listen in to find out...
What do you do when your kid wants to go to a friend’s sleepover? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid...
What do you do when your kid wants to go to a friend’s sleepover? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why won’t my 3-year-old eat his dinner?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why won’t my 3-year-old eat his dinner?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid...
What do you do when your husband undermines you when it comes to parenting? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid...
What do you do when your husband undermines you when it comes to parenting? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why is our 4-year-old still refusing to potty train?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why is our 4-year-old still refusing to potty train?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
What do you do when your husband is giving the kids whatever they want and leaving you to be the disciplinarian? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this...
What do you do when your husband is giving the kids whatever they want and leaving you to be the disciplinarian? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 6-year-old is faking sick. How do we deal with it?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 6-year-old is faking sick. How do we deal with it?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of...
What do you do when your child falls behind in school? Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast....
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do we parent adopted children who have experienced trauma?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
Taking kids out of the predictable and mundane can be difficult, especially when moving to a new home. Dr. Leman gives practical tips and advice on moving with kids on...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I deal with my kid’s boredom?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
What should you do when your teenager is sneaking out to see their girlfriend/boyfriend? Dr. Leman gives his insight on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why is family time at home important for our kids?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
How do you know when your kid is ready to drive? Dr. Leman gives his insight on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. **Special Offer– Aug...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How should we handle our toddler’s temper tantrums?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
Do you struggle to get your child to eat what you make for them? Dr. Leman breaks down the causes on this episode of the Have a New Kid by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I entertain my toddler without a TV or tablet while nursing my newborn?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response...
Is there a secret to keeping your kids close? Dr. Leman fills us in on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. **Special Offer– July...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My daughter is unsure of her engagement. How should I give her advice?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this...
Will the bread and water treatment lead your kid to rebellion? Dr. Leman gives us his take on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why can’t I get my preschooler to stop fibbing?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
How can you help end your kid’s phone addiction? Dr. Leman gives us his advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. **Special Offer– June...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why won’t my youngest kids finish their chores?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
Dr. Leman never enforced a curfew on his kids. Should you? Learn all about the effectiveness of curfews on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast....
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do I do when my 18-year-old wants to drop out of high school?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on...
Do you and your kids always struggle at bedtime? Learn how you can put an end to nightly bedtime battles on this episode of the Have a New Kid by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My kid went to college and became uncompliant. What do I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode...
How would you handle the news if you found out your child is having you-know-what under your roof? Listen in to Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of the Have...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 11-year-old won’t take ownership.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday...
What do you do when your child starts lying to you? Listen in to Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I parent my 18-year-old who lives at home?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
What is the 6-Year Limit and when does it start? Find out more on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. Show Sponsored by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why don’t I fit my Birth Order profile?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
How far is too far when it comes to helping your teenagers make a decision? Learn how to help and when to take a step back on this episode of...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Is it too late to change for the sake of my kids?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode...
On the day your child turns 18, will they walk out the door and never return? Learn how to keep your kids around long after they leave on this episode of...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do you parent to Birth Order with 6 kids?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
Out of all the rules to teach your kids, this one is crucial. Learn how to implement the “A before B” mindset on this episode of the Have a New...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why does my son behave at home, but causes problems while at school?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this...
Could helping your kids also be a detriment to their success? Learn how to avoid “snowplowing the roads of life” for your kids on this episode of the Have a...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 2-year-old is hitting me and screaming at the top of their lungs. What can I do?” Listen in to find out Dr....
Authoritarian parents act in a display of power, control, and domination Learn how destructive this parenting style really is on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do we prepare our firstborn for a sibling?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
Is permissive parenting really all that bad? Learn how detrimental it really is on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell,...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Growling no isn’t working. What can I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
Life is full of disappointments. Learn how you can talk to your kids about disappointment without making it worse on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why doesn’t Birth Order work for my 6 kids?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
Splitting up the holidays between families can be difficult, especially for the kids. Learn how you can help your kids through it on this episode of the Have a New...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get respect and peace back from my kids?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of...
Are you consistently supplying your kid with junk? Find out how too much gift giving can affect your kid on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why isn’t the playpen curbing my 2-year-old’s tantrums?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
Are the terrible twos a reality for every parent? Find out what Dr. Leman says about parenting two-year-olds on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast....
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My daughter is throwing things around the house. When is it time for Vitamin N?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response...
Do you have a powerful spouse and powerful kids? Learn what you can do to navigate your powerful family on today’s episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 2 boys are always scheming together to create chaos and destruction. How do we stop it?” Listen in to find out Dr....
Learn how to lead your family to be one that lasts on today’s episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I effectively parent my children with distinct personalities?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
Here are 3 keys to parenting before age 5 on today’s episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I found my 11-year-old nephew with women’s underwear. What should I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode...
Find out what the Leman Way is and how you can adapt it for your child’s school on today’s episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I was too strict with my 12-year-old son. How do I rebuild our relationship?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on...
Dr. Leman gives an overview of 8 things parents can do to raise a successful kid. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable™
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should I parent my twins according to birth order?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
Every parent wishes they had the guide to navigating middle school with their kids. Dr. Leman lays out some of the most important things you can do to prepare your...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Homeschool or Public School: Which One Should You Choose?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
What should mothers do to really raise wonderful kids? Dr. Leman stresses how much of a difference moms truly make in this episode of the Have a New Kid by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I build confidence in my fearful children?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
How do we teach our kids to be generous instead of materialistic? Dr. Leman talks about how to create a grateful heart on today’s episode of the Have a New...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My chronic illness makes it impossible to parent consistently. What can I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this...
How do you respond when your kid acts up in front of others? Listen in to today’s episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday podcast to learn what...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I help my kid bounce back from extreme disappointment?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of...
The pandemic has caused challenges and delays with education all across the board. Here’s Dr. Leman with some advice on how you can stay on top of your child’s learning...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 5-year-old perfectionist is raising hell in school. Help!” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
What do you do when you can’t control what goes on in the other house? Dr. Leman gives us his advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Every Night is a Tooth Brushing Fight.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid...
Dr. Leman gives us the recipe for raising a confident child on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I have 6 kids and one of them is adopted. Do they still follow birth order norms?” Listen in to find out Dr....
What are reasonable expectations and how can you tame your critical eye when it comes to parenting your kids? Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on the matter of expectations....
Dr. Leman reveals the three Cs for kids to become adults in today’s episode of Have a New Kid by Friday podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of...
Dr. Leman lays down four foundations for success in today’s episode of Have a New Kid by Friday podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced...
The process of blending two families is both difficult and fulfilling. Here are three mistakes to avoid so your family can blend instead of purée. Show Sponsored by Revell,...
Do your kids already feel stressed out? Dr. Leman discusses how to identify and remove these stressors from your kid’s life. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I am an authoritarian parent. Now I am reaping the consequences. I want to change, but how?” Listen in to find out Dr....
Could perfectionism be the silent killer in your family? Dr. Leman explains how flaunting your flaws may just be the remedy your family needs. Show Sponsored by Revell,...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Your birth order descriptions don’t fit me. Why?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New...
Are your kids struggling in school? Dr. Leman gives the skinny on what you can do for your kid’s education. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My mother-in-law told my kid that I should be doing more.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of...
Failure is an essential part of life and it’s a reality your kid will need to face. Find out more about how you can help your kid through their failures...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My kid’s tantrums disrupt the whole family.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid...
Are manners still important in this day and age? Dr. Leman discusses the importance of etiquette in your kid’s behavior. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I help my 20-year-old college student make friends?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
There are some things your middle schooler desperately wants to talk to you about, but they may not feel comfortable discussing them with you. Listen in to learn more about...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I teach my kids how to budget?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a...
Is it okay to let your kid disagree with you? On this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast, Dr. Leman discusses how to approach your kid’s opposing...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 3-year-old throws tantrums when she doesn’t get enough attention.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have...
Calling all wives: do you struggle with communicating with your husband? On this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast, Dr. Leman breaks down the do’s and don’ts...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 17-year-old ran away from home and won’t come back, because of her dad. What do I do?” Listen in to find out...
Is it healthy for a child to be unhappy especially when it comes to discipline? Find out more on today’s episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My hyper 4-year-old runs around the house every single night.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of Have...
Do you find yourself resorting to coaxing methods or threats of punishment when parenting your kids? Listen in to Dr. Leman’s no-nonsense advice on this episode of the Have a...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I can’t finish a conversation when my 4-year-old is around.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of Have...
Is it better to confront the problem with a blowout or to show restraint and let things go? The answer may surprise you. Listen in to today’s episode to learn...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My teenagers fight like dogs. What should I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of Have a...
Do you and your spouse disconnect when it comes to parenting? Listen in to today’s episode to discover how to communicate and cooperate with your spouse when it comes to...
Are your kids ignoring responsibilities and withdrawing to their rooms during quarantine? Listen in to today’s episode to learn more about how you can parent your kids through their quarantine...
The holidays are just around the corner, but this year is going to look different for many. Listen in to today’s episode to learn more about how you can still...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 9-year-old has explosions and my 2-year-old is mimicking. Now what?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of...
How do you help your youngest become successful like their siblings? Listen in to learn more about how to motivate your last-born on this episode of Have a New Kid...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I stop myself from reacting?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of Have a New Kid...
Do you feel like your middle child is pulling away? ! Listen in to learn more about how to make your middle child feel special on this episode of Have...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Will I hurt my child if I let them cry without immediate comfort?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s...
There will be times when your kids pull away from you, but maintaining those relationships is key. Listen in as Dr. Leman breaks down the four components of a relationship:...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “We even took away hockey and our kids still disobey.” Listen in as Dr. Leman discusses the solutions to unrelenting disobedience on today’s...
Does caring for your spouse really affect the way your kids respond to parenting? Listen in to learn just how crucial partner care is on this episode of Have a...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 4-year-old is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” What do you do when your kid frequently switches between good and bad behavior? Listen...
When it comes to discipline and encouragement, are you focussing on your kid or the outcome of their actions? Listen in to learn more about how to focus on the...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get my 10-year-old to stop lying?” Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on how to deal with your kid’s compulsive...
Are you reacting or responding to your kid’s bad behavior? Learn how to take some of the emotion out of parenting on this episode of Have a New Kid by...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 4-year-old is hitting Grandma!” Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on how to deal with your in-laws on this episode of Have...
If your kid is cutting, it’s because they are hurting. Learn how you can take action to help your kid on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Horrible Hedonistic In-Laws.” Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on how to deal with your in-laws on this episode of Have a New...
If our kids say to us, “I hate you,” how do we know if it is rebellion or a reaction caused by a deeper hurt? Learn how you can diagnose...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should I stop my kids from playing with Legos before A is complete?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode...
What do you say to your child when they are hurt by bullying? Learn more about how you should respond on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I potty train my 8-year-old?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode of Have a New Kid by...
Are your words directed toward the act or the actor? Learn about the difference between encouragement and praise on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get my teenage son to talk to me?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode of Have...
Today’s episode is all about responsibility, failure, and reality discipline. Learn about one of Dr. Leman’s favorite sayings on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. ...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: How do I help my enabled kid change? Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of Have a New...
How many warnings do you give your kids before you take disciplinary action? One might just be too many. Dr. Leman discusses why warnings are disrespectful in this episode of...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman!. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman get’s to the root of why a child might act “shy” towards mommy or daddy. **Special...
If your parenting strategies are not working, then it’s time reevaluate your tactics. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman breaks down classic examples of bad parenting and provides some concrete solutions...
When your kid doesn’t respect your no, what do you do? Listen in on today’s episode to learn what Dr. Leman says about administering vitamin n to your kids. ...
Is it really possible to prevent your kid’s misbehavior before it starts? Listen in to to today’s episode for Dr. Leman’s advice on parenting misbehaved children. **Special Offer– April...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! Listen in to find out how Dr. Leman give Ellen tips on how to defend against a “Teenage Punk Attitude Attack.” **Special...
What does real misbehavior look like over your own expectations of how your kids should act? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman dives into how reality discipline can help any parenting...
It’s time to go back to the basics! Do you ask your kids questions or do you ask for their opinion? Do you feel like you’re talking at your kids...
It’s time to go back to the basics! There are four aces up your sleeve that you can play at any time with your kids. Listen in to today’s episode...
It’s time to go back to the basics! Do you battle with your kids when it comes to eating and sleeping? Tune in to today’s episode for some practical advice...
It’s time to go back to the basics! Do your kids consistently shirk their chores and responsibilities? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman covers a simple reality in life that B...
It’s time to go back to the basics! Do you ever feel like you’re providing room service for your kids? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman breaks down how the home...
It’s time to go back to the basics! Listen in to today’s episode to learn more about the effectiveness of showing your disappointment and walking away. **Special Offer– Feb...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My oldest is jealous of the middle child.” Find out Dr. Leman’s answer in today’s episode. **Special Offer– Feb 1 – 29:...
What do you do when your kid hits you? Listen in to learn more about how to handle your kids when they hit you. **Special Offer– Feb 1 –...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should we help with homework after stopping school for 2 years?” Find out Dr. Leman’s answer in today’s episode. **Special Offer– Feb...
From representing womanhood to leaving unique indelible imprints, a mother’s role in parenting her son is vital. Learn more about Dr. Leman’s insight into the relationship between mother and son...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should my kid’s school push for ADHD testing?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s answer. **Special Offer– Jan 14 – 31:...
From kid cartoons to everyone’s favorite movie trilogy, violence is abundant in today’s entertainment. How do you navigate that as a parent in today’s society? Listen in to hear Dr....
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! What do you do when your kid needs attention for good behavior? Listen in for Dr. Leman’s answer. **Special Offer– Jan 1...
Managing your marriage is just as important as rearing your kids. Learn how to stay connected to your spouse in the thick of parenthood on today’s episode. **Special Offer–...
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It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do I do when my son blatantly ignores me?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s insights on this child’s behavior. ...
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Allowing kids to face reality and disappointment from their own decisions is difficult, but it ultimately leads to their success as an adult. Listen in to today’s episode to learn...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! How would you handle your 6-year-old if you knew they were leading a group of kids to treat other kids poorly? After getting...
On today’s episode, Dr. Leman defines the “Bread and Water” treatment and gives examples on how and when one should implement this last resort method. **Special Offer– Oct 15...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Why isn’t A before B working for my 7-year-old?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s answer. **Special Offer– Oct 15 –...
The first 5 years are your child’s life are crucial when it comes to parenting. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman lists out 3 necessities to teach your kids before age...
On today’s “Ask Dr. Leman,” the question is raised: “Are parents really the cause of powerful children, or are powerful children just born that way?” Listen in to hear Dr....
Has your kid ever lied about stealing candy from the candy jar? Or how about another kid’s toy from school? When you have a lying kid on your hands, it...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! What do you do when your homeschooled kid fights you tooth and nail? Listen to Dr. Leman’s advice on today’s episode. **Special...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! What do you do when you kid stops going to the bathroom in public places and has accidents at school? Dr. Leman breaks...
Do your middle school and high school kids struggle at home? In school? Are you concerned about their choices and the impact it will have on their future? Dive into...
Are you prepared for the back to school season? Dr. Leman gives insightful tips for starting school right in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. **Special Offer– Aug...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I handle my cranky 2-year-old?” In this episode, Dr. Leman gives advice on how to act upon signs of a powerful...
Without a strong foundation, a house will be unstable. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman explains the correlation between a strong marriage and a stable household. Learn more about Dr. Leman...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do you do when your grown children still blame you for their issues?” In this episode, Dr. Leman provides a no-nonsense solution...
Wives, do you want to know what makes your husbands tick? Does it feel like rocket science when it comes to improving your marriage together? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman...
Do you have long and frustrating days with your children? Do fun plans usually end up in disaster? Find out what Dr. Leman has to say about the feeling of...
Does your child always get the last word? Do you feel like you’ve failed to separate your marriage from your kids? Do you cry often? These are the signs you...
When you have a powerful child on your hands, the word “no” can lose its effectiveness. Dr. Leman gives his advice on how to back up your ‘no’ in today’s...
Do you and your spouse seem to have the same disputes that have lasted throughout your marriage? What does your marriage look like once your kids are removed from the...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! When your 9 year old calls you a bad mom, how do you handle it? Learn what Dr. Leman has to say about...
Moms, do you feel like you wash the clothes, feed the family, do all the chores and hardly receive a word of appreciation? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman stresses the...
Does your child behave at home, but become a nuisance at school? What do you do when the school calls and complains? Dr. Leman gives a straight-talk answer in today’s...
Whether you are full-time or just on a few weekends, taking care of the grandchildren involves parenting. Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s advice on how to best take...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get my husband to look at his anger issue?” Find out what Dr. Leman has to say about the correlation...
Porn addiction is becoming more rampant in today’s culture, but what really happens if you or your spouse are struggling with porn addiction? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman talks about...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do you foster sibling relationships?” Find out Dr. Leman’s answer in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. NEW: The Intimate...
Dr. Leman dives deep into how the presence of an intimate connection with your spouse can affect the healthiness of your family. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. NEW: The...
Dr. Leman unpacks the hateful behavior of a 4 year old middle child in today’s “Ask Dr. Leman.” Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman...
Does the state of your marriage affect the way you parent? Dr. Leman discusses what it means to have balance in the home, beginning with your marriage. Learn more about...
Vomiting is the body’s natural way of purging itself, but what happens when your kid refuses to eat because of the fear of throwing up afterwards? Find out what Dr....
Does fixing everything for your kid skyrocket them to success or deprive them of foundational life lessons? Dr. Leman talks reality in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com....
Model student gone rogue, how would you handle this situation? Find out what Dr. Leman has to say on today’s Ask Dr. Leman. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. ...
It’s more than just comical wordplay, everyone’s guilty of “shoulding” on themselves. But what exactly does that mean? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman describes the act of “shoulding” and explains...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do I do when my kid throws violent tantrums?” Find out Dr. Leman’s answer in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman...
We all make mistakes, but how do we move on from our past failures when shame seems to linger? Find out what Dr. Leman has to say on the subject...
In our self-centered society, how do you teach a child to be compassionate and serve others? Dr. Leman gives an answer that goes beyond the bounds of parenting. Learn more...
This is a highly debated topic: Should kids be allowed to sleep in the marital bed? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman provides a no-nonsense answer. Listen now to find out...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do I do with my screaming kid?” Dr. Leman gives his advice on what to do with kids that scream. Learn more...
The Have a New Kid by Friday podcast is back with a brand new format, featuring a new segment called “Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman.” Listen now as Dr....
Best of 2018 – Episode 218 Replay: Is there really only one way to raise a kid? Today’s episode deals with the three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Learn...
Best of 2018 – Episode 218 Replay: It’s easy to get caught up in the little things of your child’s life–music tastes, orderliness, outfit choices, hairstyles… In today’s episode, Dr. Leman...
Best of 2018 – Episode 218 Replay: It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman, “My kids and I are always angry, how do we stop it?” In today’s episode, Dr. Leman...
Best of 2018 – Episode 218 Replay: It’s time for another ask Dr. Leman. “What’s next after my 5 year kicked a hole in the door and wall?” In this...
Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but how do your kids handle the split when it comes to the holiday season? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman gives his parental advice on...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My hearing-impaired son won’t wear his hearing aids. How do I get him to wear them?” Dr. Leman gives his tips on how...
In light of the holiday season, Dr. Leman offers his advice on how to make sure your kid receives the most important gift of all: the gift of giving. Learn...
Having trouble handling your child’s tantrums, outbursts, and whining? Dr. Leman discusses the psychology behind these actions on today’s Ask Dr. Leman. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. Book Links:...
Are your kids mentally and emotionally prepared for a life on their own? Dr. Leman talks about how to help your kids leave the nest on today’s episode. Learn more...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “When is my son old enough to use the bathroom by himself?” Dr. Leman discusses the question on today’s episode. Learn more about...
Words matter in life, and it’s important to choose them carefully. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman gives his all-time best pocket answers for when your kid is hurting. Learn more...
Are you having trouble potty training your kids? Dr. Leman gives his best tips for teaching your child one of the most basic human tasks in today’s Ask Dr. Leman....
When your kid wants something or seeks a reward before completing their responsibilities, do you let them have their way? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman explains what it means to...
Adoption is an important decision for any parent to make, but what happens when your kids are completely opposed to the idea? Dr. Leman breaks it down in today’s Ask...
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It’s a showdown between two types of parents: The Enabler Parent vs. The Helpful Parent. Find out who will win on today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com. NEW:...
When your kid comes to you with a problem, do you listen to them? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman explains 8 ways to help and impact your kids throughout their...
Are your kids prepared for the rough times ahead? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman lays out 7 realities every kid should face that will get them ready for the real...
Seeing your child hurt can be one of the hardest things to handle as a parent. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman talks about how to help your kids through the...
When you work at home, parenting can be difficult. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman walks through tips on how to care for your child throughout your work day. Learn more...
There’s only so much that can be done before your child leaves the nest and you may feel like you haven’t done the best job as a parent. Today’s episode...
Trust is crucial for all relationships, but what happens when your child breaks that trust? Dr. Leman dives into how to deal with an untrustworthy child in today’s episode. Learn...
Parenting is hard enough, but what happens when you and your spouse disagree on how to raise your kids? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman goes into detail about ways to...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Saying ‘no’ and walking away isn’t working. What do I do?” Dr. Leman reaffirms how being consistent and standing firm is the key...
Is there really only one way to raise a kid? Today’s episode deals with the three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com....
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should I send my kids to boarding school?” In this episode, Dr. Leman discusses the most important factor of your child’s education. Learn...
It’s the parent’s job to serve and care for their kids, but should children also be required to serve their parents? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman discusses the long-term impact...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Will soccer help my powerful child’s behavior?” Putting your children in sports and other activities is supposed to teach them discipline, but does...
Concert tickets, new phones, designer jeans–what happens when you child wants something that you cannot afford? Dr. Leman speaks on how to respond to your kid’s desires and reasons that...
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman, “My kids and I are always angry, how do we stop it?” In today’s episode, Dr. Leman discusses the cause of your child’s...
It’s easy to get caught up in the little things of your child’s life–music tastes, orderliness, outfit choices, hairstyles… In today’s episode, Dr. Leman discusses the most important value in a kid’s life and how the parent is solely responsible for nurturing this virtue. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.
*Special Offer–May 30 – Jun 5: Under the Sheets* for $1.99 at Amazon or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Transcript Doug: Well hello, I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: I’m Andrea.
Doug: We are so glad that you are with us today. If this is your first time, with a quick reminder that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Dr. Leman, this drops a couple days after Memorial Day Weekend. Does the Leman family do anything for Memorial Day Weekend?
Dr. Leman: Well, we usually just have a cook out. We’re very traditional on that line. Actually, probably be in New York at my cottage, and we’ll flip some burgers and some hot dogs and have some friends over. Back east, that’s when you hope by then that Spring has sprung. I live in western New York, and that isn’t always the case. I was back there recently and there was snow on the ground in late April, in places, so yeah, we just kick back and are very traditional as far as that goes. It’s, you know, back east where we go, school’s still in session til about the third week in June, believe it or not. That’s another reason, Doug, why I hated school. I grew up in New York and they kept me in school til the third week in June. No wonder I did poorly.
Doug: Those lousy teachers and principals, keeping you in there that long.
Dr. Leman: Oh, I had teachers that were so old and decrepit, and I see these teachers today, and I go, “Oh my goodness. If I had a teacher like that, I might want to go to school,” but they had these black shoes with about inch heels, and ties, like little shoe laces on them, that they’d tie. Really, I mean old, old.
Doug: Very old, so, so, sold.
Dr. Leman: Yeah.
Doug: Fun, well one of these days Andrea and I hope to make it out to the infamous cabin.
Andrea: Cottage, yeah.
Doug: Cottage on the lake.
Andrea: Yeah, I would love it. That would be fun.
Dr. Leman: I hope so, so tell me, what are we talking about today?
Doug: Okay, let’s jump into today’s topic. Dr. Leman, at the end of the last podcast, you said, “Sometimes parents major on the minors,” or you encouraged us not to major on the minors. What are some of the minors that lots of parents will major on?
Andrea: Yeah, and what are you talking about when you say that?
Dr. Leman: Well, I think the minors are everything from the kids’ music they listen to, to their dress, their hair, their orderliness in their room. They’re the little things of life that just sort of get in the way of good relationships. I love to ask parents, “Hey does your kid have a good heart?” I speak to a lot of business people, and a lot of people who consider themselves visionaries, and I’m quick to point out to them that they can be a CEO, they can be a visionary, and if everything that they possess, in terms of their skills, their business skills, etc., comes from the head, that they will succeed for a period of time, but they will not succeed over a long period of time. Why? Something’s missing, and it’s called heart.
King Solomon was the smartest king of Maul. They said it over in Proverbs 3, in fact I wrote a book called, The Way of the Wise, and it’s a good little book, where I Lemanize that scripture, by the way, pretty good. I might end up paying for that, Lord, someday, but you know, he uses the term, or the word heart three times in these six little verses. What I’d pay attention to, if I’m a parent, is my kid’s heart. Does your kid feel like they’re the center of the universe? Most parents rear their kid, in our society today, like their child is the center of the universe.
Now again, I realize everybody listening to us is not a person of faith, but I’m just telling you, if you bring up your kid to feel like they’re the center of the universe, where’s room for Almighty God in the kid’s life? There’s none, so when I walk in the classroom, over at Leman Academy, and I don’t care if it’s ankle biters, kinders, the first graders, or maybe a fourth grade class, I’ll say, “What kind of a class are you?” Every class is a little different. Some class will respond in unison, “We’re a respectful class,” or “We’re a caring class,” or “We’re a kind class.”
Now see, we really believe, as a school, that we’re not only there to educate kids, we’re a classical school, so our kids will take Spanish in kinder, and Latin in the third grade. It’s rigorous, but we think it’s equally as important to talk about their virtues. What I’m most concerned about, when I see a son or a daughter in any home is, does this kid give a rip about anybody else other than themselves, and again, most of us as parents rear our kids in hotels. What does that mean? It means we give our kids room service, free dental care, free medical care, I mean it’s crazy, premium Wifi. My question is, what does your son or daughter give back to you, give back to the family? How do you develop heart if everything’s about you?
You know my mother, God rest her soul, she dragged me to a thing called Joy Club when I was a kid, and it was horrific, okay? I hated it. We’d go to this lady’s house, in her basement, and sit around and she’d … I don’t know if you guys are even old enough to know what a flannelgraph was, are you?
Andrea: Oh yeah.
Dr. Leman: Do you remember flannel graphs and all that?
Andrea: Oh yeah.
Dr. Leman: Talk about excitement, and I mean I hated that sucker, but it’s amazing, when parents train up kids, and my mom was doing her best, it’s amazing what we remember. Remember the name of the club? Do you remember the name of the club? What was the name of the club?
Andrea: Joy Club.
Dr. Leman: Joy Club, okay, but here it was, it was Jesus, others and you. Now here I am on Social Security, and I still remember the meaning of Joy Club. Did I enjoy Joy Club? No, I hated it. I already said that. It was a pain in the butt to go there. I don’t know how stronger I can say, I really didn’t like it, but even with things you don’t like, sometimes in the process there’s some takeaway. I’m amazed that I look over my life, and I’m at a stage where I can look back over a long period of my life and say, “Okay, who are the influential people of my life?” It was certainly my Mom, she was number one. Dad was certainly number two. My older sister, Sally, was probably number three, followed by my brother, Jack, number four, okay, older sister was more like a second mom to me.
I look at the things that really counted in life, the real lessons in life I learned, the love I received, the confidence that people had in me. I always say, “If you see a turtle on a fence post, you know he didn’t get there by himself.” Well, many of you know my story. I’m not going to go through it, but I was not exactly the most likely to succeed at anything in life, but I had a mom who believed in me, and that’s primary, and so when you look at these things, parents, these things of the heart, they’re really important.
When you believe in this kid, and you expect the best of this kid, and are they going to fail? Yes, it’s part of the human condition, but when you believe in that kid, you’re setting that kid up for good things in life. You pay attention to the heart, that’s the most important thing, and you’re looking for those virtues of kindness and humility. These are the things that you try to teach as best you can, but you teach most of those things through the way you live your life, mom and dad, and you’ve got to remember that they ankle biters, the teenagers, whatever age your kids are, they’re looking at you, and they’re making emotional, spiritual, relational notes about how you live your life.
Doug: Well I’ve learned that the hard way, that I have to get myself healthy, which is interesting. The book that we just talked about, Having a New You by Friday, right, that I have to get healthy before I can have any effect on my kids. How, Dr. Leman, I’m still stuck though. I still feel like I’ve got to teach my kids self-discipline, and I’ve got to teach them through cleaning their room, doing the dishes, mowing the lawn.
Dr. Leman: Just some Vitamin N, Doug. I mean a kid who you say, “Okay, I still need to teach my kid,” like the clean room thing, okay, and the kid asks you for something. He wants to be driven over to the Mall, and you casually walk down the hallway, and you take one look at his room, and you simply say, “No.” “Dad, why? I need to go there. I’ve got to get some stuff for school.” “Well, I see your work’s not done.” Turn your back and walk away.
Doug: Okay.
Dr. Leman: Now, you don’t have to preach. You’re being very matter of fact. You’re saying there’s work to be done, and this goes back to one of the principals from Have a New Kid by Friday, and that is B doesn’t start til A gets completed. Don’t make it more than it is. Invite them in, okay. We talked about pocket answers and people can get pocket answers, you know, at birthorderguy.com, and they’re sort of neat. You know sometimes, as a parent, you need some little pocket answers because the kids will catch you off guard. You don’t quite know what to say, and you need those little ways, and Vitamin N is always a way out. You can always start with,”No.” You can always start with, “That’s an interesting question, you know I need some time to think about that. I’ll get back to you.”
In other words, you just need a way of navigating life’s ways with your kids, so you’re not always at head to head discord.
Doug: Yeah, even my question reveals to me just how of touch I am on this, majoring on the minors and here you are, like the whole time you’re telling me like, “Doug, what’s your kids’ heart? Are they giving back? Are they gentle? Are they kind? Do they care about others? I’m like, I’m going right back to the room.
Dr. Leman: Yeah, either Andrea, let me point out, neither Andrea nor I said you were smart.
Doug: Thanks.
Dr. Leman: I want to make that clear.
Doug: Thanks.
Dr. Leman: See, this is the human condition, that’s why I love you so much, Doug. You’re willing to say, “You know what? I’ve learned a few things as a man, as a husband, as a dad,” and we gravitate back to those things that, you know, who gives a rat’s tail fifteen years from now, if a twelve year old’s room is spic and span as it could be? I know it could be better, but are we majoring in what’s really important? What do we do when we find out from teacher that your son went and sat down to a kid who is pretty well ostracized by the rest of the peer group, and had lunch with him? What do you say to your kid?
I hope at dinner that night you’ll say something like, “Wow, I heard some awesome news today, and it was about you, James.” Now I’m telling you, James’ ears are up like a rabbit about to run, okay? Then you slip him the commercial announcement, what’s the commercial announcement? “Your teacher shared with me that you went and sat with a kid that nobody seems to like, or pay any attention to at lunch. Honey, I can’t tell you how proud I am of your kind heart. That is so good to hear,” end of commercial.
What have you just slipped into your kid’s head and heart?
Doug: What’s really important.
Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative), and I don’t know, by looking at this list of things that sometimes we try and major on, that really what you called are the minors, like their hair, their music, their dress, I think that when the heart is changed, then it’s going to come out in the kind of music that they’re listening to, or I mean maybe their hair, it may not matter at that point, but I think if we get so high centered on those outward things, then like you said, Dr. Leman, the heart gets forgotten, but if we major on the heart, then those outward things, they just come in line.
Doug: Mom, how easy is it to stay on the majors, when your house is in disarray?
Andrea: It’s horribly hard. I just telling you what I heard him say.
Doug: Yeah, I know. Let’s not get practical.
Andrea: I’m not saying I’m a winner at this.
Dr. Leman: It’s easy for you to say, Leman, you come over to my house and you walk through my family room, and see if you can walk through it without falling over junk.
Doug: Yeah, right. What if people came over and saw that house? “Oh no.”
Dr. Leman: You know, this is part of life’s journey, and as you grow older and you mature more, and you get a few bars on your shoulders as a parent, you realize that you step over some of these things. I tell parents, “When a kid throws a temper tantrum at the Mall, you step over the child, realizing the temptation to step on that little sucker, don’t do that, but when you step over the child, you’re avoiding the power struggle.” You’re saying, “If you want to make a fool of yourself in public, go ahead, but my no is a no,” and that’s my advice to parents. Let your yes be yes, your no be no, and kids will work it. They’ll manipulate you, and it’s called purposed behavior, and we’ll discuss that, I’m sure, in one of our podcasts in detail, but trust me, the behavior that your kid, the drama that your kid throws your way, serves a purpose in their life, and if you’re a dummy, you’ll take it hook, line and sinker, and you’ll get into things you have no business getting into with your kids.
Doug: I want to go back to something you said earlier, that I think it’s way more important than I realized when I was a young parent, and that is that our kids are watching us every minute of the day, and they are a reflection of us, and people will often tell you that the Terpening kids seem so calm and patient, and you can probably guess which of the two of us that comes from, right? Andrea has modeled to these kids, and our kids reflect that, and the things that I have, like my whole anger problem, guess what my kids have? My anger problem, and it’s just, I mean it’s amazing.
Andrea: Well, that’s exactly what Dr. Leman said, here a minute ago, he said, “We teach them through how we live,” so that’s sobering, right, because they’re watching us.
Dr. Leman: Well yeah, and everybody who just heard that conversation with Doug and Andrea, think back to that one thing you told yourself as a parent, you will never say to your kids that your parents said to you, okay you got it? This is funny because not only have you said it, but you’ve said it with the same tone and inflection your parents said to you. “Don’t poke your eye out.” When was the last time you saw a kid poke his eye out? “If you don’t sit up on that chair, you’re going to break your neck.” Does anyone know anyone, in your circle of friends, who’s kids have leaned back in a chair and broken their neck? We hope that’s not true, but that’s there’s not anybody in your memory bank of that, but I’m just saying there’s some humor here.
We tell ourselves that we’re going to be so different, and we don’t realize that there’s some negative imprinting on all of us, through our day to day living with mon and dad, and that’s why, back to that Have a New You by Friday book, it’s not rocket science that you are the way you are. It’s based on the fluid dynamic relationship you had with your parents, and you had with your siblings, and how you perceived those differences, that created who you are, how you think, how you view life, etc.
Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you’ve given me, Doug Terpening, lots to think about again. It’s amazing how much I have left the heart of our kids as I’m looking at you, Andrea, like you’re right. It is about teaching our kids the right kind of heart, so this has been fabulous.
Andrea: Yep, don’t major on the minors.
Doug: Don’t major on the minors, and I think the key phrase for all of you, just as a wrap up, that you may have heard him say is, “Is your kid willing to give back to you and to the family, and to others?” If you want like, okay this was nice, you guys can ramble a bit, but what did you say, have we taught our kids that they’re not the center of the universe, and that they can give back to others? That is gold, gold, gold, to focus on.
Well thank you. Go buy the book. Tomorrow, you can get it for $2.99. Go do it for yourself and you will thank us, all three of us later, that you got the book and read it. Well it was great to be with you guys today.
Andrea: Have a great day.
Doug: Look forward to the next time. Bye-bye.
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman, “My daughter is smart, but won’t do her school work or be organized.” Today’s episode focuses on how to deal with disorganized children who can’t seem to keep their focus. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.
*Special Offer–May 30 – Jun 5: Under the Sheets* for $1.99 at Amazon or wherever you get your ebooks**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Transcript Introduction: Hey hubby, what should we do with Lily? She’s driving me nuts. I know. We should ask Dr. Leman. He knows everything about parenting.
Introduction: Welcome to Have A New Kid By Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman and Doug and Andrea Terpening.
Doug: Well, hello. I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: And I’m Andrea.
Doug: And we are super-duper-duper excited to be with you again, and so glad, if this is your first time here, just to let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, it is so good to be back recording these podcasts with you again.
Dr. Leman: It is. You know, we should have our people guess just which one of the three of us is the smartest. Everybody guess. Guess what? The answer’s Andrea. She keeps us in line. She’s got a lot of organization in her, because sometimes Dougy-boy goes out in left field and I find myself in right field and she reminds us that we’re supposed to be in center field.
Andrea: Well, somebody’s got to do it.
Doug: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: Somebody’s got to do it. She’s a momma. She got kids.
Doug: And I love how she’s always so gentle with us. Right, Dr. Leman? She’s like, “Have you guys actually thought about this?” “No, we didn’t, actually.” So … Well, I’m excited to do this question today from Beeja, and again, just to let you know, go to BirthOrderGuy.com/PodcastQuestion and you can leave your own audio question there, and we would love, love, love, love, love, love to answer it.
Doug: I haven’t said this in a long time, but if you go to BirthOrderGuy.com, you’ll see a little way to sign up with your email and you’re going to get these pocket phrases from Dr. Leman sent to you. And we’d love for you to do it and be part of it. But let’s jump in to this question.
Beeja: Hey, Dr. Leman. My name is Beeja, and I am calling about my 13-year-old daughter. She’s the sweetest, the smartest on so many levels, but she struggles with organization. She is diagnosed with ADD for a few years ago, and she is on medication a few times a day for that, and it helps her with her focusing a lot. She is much smarter than I ever was and she does well academically and learns quickly, but she struggles with organization. Several times during the day I get notification of her being tardy for class, and she’s late with almost every assignment if she even remembers to do them. She has a really hard time getting stuff together for the next class, and her locker is always a mess so she can’t find things.
Beeja: School is helping her out by letting her come in 30 minutes earlier to work on the homework that she’s late with, but I’m wondering if there’s anything else you guys do for kids that struggle with this at your Leman Academy of Excellence? My daughter has about 80% to 100% on her tests, so I know that she understands what she’s doing. She’s very disorganized here at home, as well. We have everything labeled for her to put stuff away, but they don’t mean anything to her. So, we are kind of just letting that go. But at school, I feel like her grades doesn’t reflect what she actually knows, and I know that’s early to worry about the grade, in seventh grade, but I just want to find a way to find her, so she has success in the future. Thank you for taking my question. Bye.
Dr. Leman: You’re welcome, and thanks for the question. You know, let’s start … The good news is you’re on the right track. You know, you talk about labeling and you say, well, it doesn’t mean much to her and all that. I think you need to physically put in her locker at school, for lack of a better term, drop ins. And they are color-coordinated, so they’re different. Different colors for different subjects. So, she can take her assignments, her work sheets, whatever she’s doing and put them in those envelopes.
Dr. Leman: Kids who have ADHD — and just disorganized people in general, okay — you can do your best to organize them from A to Z, but good luck. I would vote for, let’s get all subject matter in one big catch-all in that locker room. So, the stuff is at least in a general area. Now, in that drop, and I’m envisioning this to be about 12 inches wide and about 12 inches deep so you can actually put 8×11 paper in it, et cetera. There’s going to be disorganization in that. That’s a given. But at least all the subject matter is in one place.
Dr. Leman: What we know about kids that have ADHD is they need focused attention, okay? And it’s difficult for them. The key is how do you help, as a parent, give a kid focused attention, without going in there and snow-plowing the roads of life for the child, in such a way as you end up doing the work and all that? And of course, many parents fall prey to that. So you have to be careful. You want to be helpful, but you don’t want to be doing things for your daughter that she could be doing for herself. That’s the axiom you have to live by.
Dr. Leman: So, when it comes to homework and, since she goes to Leman Academy, I can tell you there’s very little homework at Leman. Most of the stuff is done in class. This gets back to focused attention. With 24 other kids in the class, you know what? There’s a lot of diversion for a child. So, some conversation with the teacher about maybe where to place her in the classroom might be worth it. And when she’s home, I think she has to have a specific place that she does her work. It has to be free from distraction.
Dr. Leman: Now, you’ll have kids tell me, “Well, I can’t do my homework without the TV on,” or music or whatever. They lie like dogs. The fact of the matter is they can do their homework without music, without a TV, and with a kid who’s got ADHD, you want to make sure that those distractions are minimal. Now, checking homework is always a problem for me, for the same reason I said you got to be careful you don’t do too much for the child, but it might be worth it. Looking at her work, and if you see stuff that’s not completed, for example, maybe something had two sides on it and she did one side, just take that stuff that’s not ready and put it in a pile and tell her, “This one needs work.” In other words, do not become so demonstrative in your citing what needs to be done that you’re making her work your work.
Dr. Leman: I hope that makes sense. But those are a couple things that come to mind when we talk about kids that have ADHD. You mentioned medication. Many kids are medicated. I’ve never been huge on medication, but I can tell you, with certain kids it works wonders. But that’s a judgment call between you and your physician. I’ll let you deal with that as you see fit. But you did point out one other thing that I want to remind everybody about, and that is that kids who have ADHD, many of them are very bright. It’s not like they don’t get it. They get it. And the disorganization, if it drives you up the wall … Okay, here’s the litmus test. If the disorganization drives you up the wall then you need to back off as far as you possibly can. Because she’s going to sense that it bothers you which is going to complicate her everyday living. If the worst thing this kid is in life is disorganized, she’s going to be joined by millions of others and it’s not as bad as you and I make it out to be, quite frankly.
Dr. Leman: So, good luck, love her, expect the best of her, don’t let her off the hook for anything. Remember, any diagnosis — I don’t care what it is — is never an excuse for inappropriate behavior.
Andrea: Dr. Leman, you mentioned the phrase “focused attention”. What does it mean to give her focused attention?
Dr. Leman: Well, you know, that sounds weird, but it’s almost like you take one ear and the other and you pull it in. So, you’re looking at her, eyeball to eyeball. Because these kids get distracted so quickly. In other words, they need that ability to focus in on the job that has to be done, but sometimes when you’re just talking to a child, you can obliquely talk to a child. You’re doing dishes and the kid is 12 feet behind you and you’re telling them something. Good luck. You need to have eye contact with that child. That’s the focused attention from the parent standpoint.
Andrea: Okay.
Dr. Leman: But focused attention is our goal as a kid is going through life. You want them to develop the ability to focus. And of course, by definition, that’s one of the things that kids who have ADHD don’t do very well. They don’t focus. They’re all over the place. They start something and see a sweater that needs to be hung up and bingo, they’re out of the room and doing something different. And they’re off-track easy. So, anything that helps repetition, hours, a set time, and again, parent, you know your kid better than I do. So, is your kid better off to do school work when they come home from school? Do they need playtime for a couple of hours? Is it best done after dinner? What’s the best room in the house to have it done? I mean, there’s kids who probably work best at the dining room table of the home. There’s other kids who do better in their room. Well, that’s for you guys to figure out, not me.
Andrea: So, just removing the distractions all around them, and saying this is the time or the place to either have this conversation or work on this thing, or, this is the place to look for such-and-such.
Dr. Leman: And remember the principle from Have A New Kid By Friday. B doesn’t start ’til A gets accomplished. So, school work is a priority, and if school work isn’t done, homework isn’t done, and child wants to be driven to the mall, now, I hope we all can say that answer in unison. We use vitamin N, which is, “No. We’re not going to the mall. Your work isn’t done.” Keep in mind, we’re not building in excuses for a child who’s got ADHD or any other disorder.
Doug: When you talked about that disorganization drives you up a wall, that we need to let go of it, that’s hard for me to hear, because I think, “Don’t I want to teach them a semblance of discipline?” And as well, “They’re a part of this family, and this disorganization affects all of us.” So, how do I let that just slide? That seems wrong.
Dr. Leman: Well, you ask yourself, “How’s it been working out for me, the past four years that I’ve tried to micro-manage my ADHD kid?” And you’ll come up with the resounding answer: “It’s not working.” And it won’t work, because you’re too engaged in it. So, I wrote a book once called Have A New You By Friday. In that book, I say, “Stop, look and listen.” And stop, look at the situation. Listen to yourself. What do you normally do? What do you normally say? What’s the new you going to do differently?
Dr. Leman: So, you change relationships by thinking differently. And so, the thinking goes on in the adult. Now, the disorganization. If you’re a perfectionistic firstborn daughter, for example, you’re the mom, that disorganization is going to drive you crazy, because your world is everything has a place and a purpose and you’re highly organized. Well, everybody isn’t like you. So, when you impose your perfection on a kid who’s got ADHD, you’re going to have disastrous results. So, you’re going to have to walk away, do things different, disengage, don’t look. Whatever it takes.
Doug: I got a follow-up question from me, is there different standards, then, for the kids that are non-ADHD in this regard, organization?
Andrea: Like, in a family?
Doug: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: No. I don’t think so. You’re still asking kids to do things that they need to do, but, you know, the kid that’s got ADHD, and he’s disheveled in his looks, and he’s not well organized, when he cleans his room, what’s it going to look like? If it’s shoveled out you can see the floor, there’s no dead creatures on the floor, if that was an ADHD kid of mine, I’d say that’s a pass. Go to sister’s room next door and everything’s spotless. Well, that’s who she is. She’s just like her mother. So, is one kid better than the other? No. That’s the joy of being a parent. You got to love them and they’re very different people. I have five of them. You have four, and we know that’s a true statement.
Doug: So that is actually a really liberating thought, because, hypothetically, with our four children, one of them’s a little more organized and one of them’s a little more disorganized, and we keep pushing one to be organized, and yet, you’re right. If I just back off and just enjoy the other parts about him, this other child, that would be amazing.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. They’ll be out of the house before you know it, and you’ll be crying and waving goodbye. I mean, I’m just telling you. Life goes by quick, and don’t major in the minors.
Doug: You’re right. Don’t major in the minors.
Dr. Leman: In so many things we’ll talk about on our podcast, it’s sort of the attitude that you bring to the situation that’s really going to be the saving grace of it. So watch out for your critical eye. Many of you know exactly how life could be or should be for other people, and that’s what gets you in big time trouble.
Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I’m always surprised by what you say, and I think that was fabulous, for Doug Terpening to remember to don’t major on the minors and let it go.
Andrea: And hopefully for Beeja and her daughter, right?
Doug: Absolutely. That’s right. It’s for others, not me. That’s why we’re doing this podcast.
Andrea: But no, we learn every time. I think it’s fabulous.
Doug: So, well, Beeja, thank you for your question. Thank you to the rest of you that keep sending these questions in. We absolutely, absolutely love it, and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and add to your parenting toolbox.
Andrea: Have a great day.
Doug: Take care, and bye-bye.
It’s May, and school is wrapping up. How was your child’s school year? Now is the time to evaluate your child’s education. Dr. Leman dives into the question – “How do we finish the school year well?” Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.
Links:
- Planet Middle School – Dr. Kevin Leman
*Special Offer: Birth Order Book E-Book for $2.99 –* EXP May 22**
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Transcript Doug: Well, welcome to Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman. I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: And I’m Andrea.
Doug: And we are so glad to be back with you. It’s so much fun. If this is your first time with us, just to let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. I just want to start off again by saying thank you Baker Books. I say that wrong. What is the correct title of the company? I’ve got to learn this. Dr. Leman?
Dr. Leman: Baker Publishing Group.
Doug: Baker Publishing Group.
Dr. Leman: They have many imprints, different. Like Bethany House is one of their publishing groups. I’m part of the Revell team, Revell Publishers. They’ve been good people. They’re just good people. They’re a privately held company, and Dwight Baker is the CEO. His brother Dan is involved in the group. His dad started the group years ago. They’re just good people who want to put good resources in peoples’ hands. We’ve been part of their lives since, let me think. First book published by them was probably back in about 1984, so we have a long history with Baker. They’re good people. We’re just glad that they’re sponsoring this. Help us out, would you? Go on Facebook. By the way, you can reach me at Facebook, Dr. Kevin Leman. Don’t put in just Kevin Leman, okay. You’ve got to have Dr. Kevin Leman to get a hold of me. But spread the word. Go on Facebook. Tell people you’ve found these podcasts that are fun to listen to. Hopefully they are fun and meaningful for you.
Doug: And it’s L-E-M-A-N. No H in there. When this podcast is gonna be released, it’s gonna be towards the end of May, so school is gonna be starting to wrap up here, the middle of May actually. I’m wondering, how do I finish the school year well with my kid? Is there things that I should be thinking about now A, to wrap up, and then B, to get ready for next year?
Dr. Leman: Well, I think it’s important to look back on this year and ask yourself what kind of a school year has it been. Are you exhausted? Are you exhausted with all the meltdowns and the drama that kids are presented over schoolwork and trying to get you to do their homework for them and having stomach aches, not wanting to go to school. Just reassess what that last school year was like. Here’s a prediction. Whatever last year was like, it’s gonna remain the same or get worse. That’s the best prediction. Now if you look back on your kid’s school life and it’s been a dream, it’s been great, wonderful. Well more power to you. You’ve done well. You’ve done well to stay out of things that you need to stay out of. Your kid’s motivated. If your kid is a voracious reader, I would put your fears to rest. That kid’s gonna do very, very well in life.
Now let me speak to the kid who has just literally failed, quite frankly. She hasn’t performed the way they should. And let’s make them an eighth grader just for fun. Well what are you gonna do? You gonna pass that kid into the freshman year? I’m here to tell you right here in Tucson, Arizona, where I live, one of the biggest school districts in the state, took about 900 eighth graders who failed and they promoted them to the freshman year. Let me say, I think that is a disrespectful act. I think it’s one of the worst things you can do to a kid’s education. I believe if a kid really didn’t master some basics in eighth grade, that he should revisit eighth grade again.
Andrea: Is that what you do in your schools?
Dr. Leman: Yeah. Kids who don’t pass, they don’t pass. Well we have no problem with not putting people forward. Sometimes kids need an extra year, especially in the younger grades. Little boys don’t mature as quickly as little girls, and sometimes a kid needs another run at it. You might be looking at the school setting. I mean, what kind of a school does your son or daughter go to? There are a lot of people who don’t like charter schools. They think charter schools are just Satan in themselves. They just don’t like them for a lot of reasons. I happen to like charter schools. And since I’m the founder of Leman Academy of Excellence, I’m here to tell you that we knock it out of the park. We have all kinds of success stories where kids who have failed in other schools systems and thrive in ours, but we go way out of our way to make sure kids know that we care about them, that we listen to them, that we give a rip about them. We find the best teachers we can possibly find. We have accountability built into our system.
Some of you may want to consider maybe looking at a different school setting for next year, but my mother, god rest her soul, I mean some of you know my story. I graduated fourth from the bottom of my class in high school. Every summer, from my freshman year on, I did summer school. I flunked elementary algebra. I got a 57 I think on my final exam. My mother sent me to summer school, where I took that same course over again. As I recall, I got a 22 as a final grade. So, summer school was a drag for me. She tried to do the right thing, but I wasn’t motivated. I was more in love with making other people laugh and having fun. I didn’t wake up until I couldn’t get in college, and then finally got in college. And I got thrown out of college and got a job as a janitor. So, I was a late bloomer. Some of your kids will be late bloomers.
To answer the question, you’ve got to do some things different. If things aren’t working, then let’s, after a full year. I’m not into moving kids at midterm and all that. I think you wait until the year is over, then you make the appropriate move if you have to. Some of you need to go hire a tutor. If you have an eighth grade boy that’s not doing well, I would for sure hire a young woman, about age 16 or 17 to tutor that eighth grader. That opposite sex thing sort of works.
Andrea: Can’t it be distracting?
Dr. Leman: Well, I think a boy is gonna be more apt to listen to an older girl. I think a girl’s gonna be more prone to listen to a 16 year old boy, and she’s an eighth grade girl. But tutoring is a good option. Some of you can work with your kids well, but most parents report to me they don’t work with their own children very well. You all know each other’s soft spots and it ends up with tears.
Doug: Dr. Leman, I’ve got a fourth grader, early elementary, and they didn’t do so well this year. They failed. Let’s just say they didn’t do so well. They got some D’s and some C’s and some B’s. What would you say to me as the parent then, if that’s my kid?
Dr. Leman: Well the first thing I would ask is, does your child read? Well, of course they read. Well by that I mean, do they read for pleasure? Well, actually Elizabeth is a voracious reader. She loves science fiction. She loves mysteries. I would tell that parent face-to-face, I wouldn’t worry about your kid’s education. But Leman, she struggles in math and she struggles in here. Well, I understand what you’re saying, but you asked me a question. I’m answering it. Because she’s a voracious reader, this is a kid that in time will do well in school. Now, let me ask that question again to another parent of a fourth grader. Does your child read? No, hates reading. Doesn’t read for pleasure, right? Right. That kid I’m very concerned about because in fourth grade, the curriculum has changed. Things are getting tougher, and if we don’t make a recovery in fourth grade, what’s it gonna be like in seventh grade or eighth grade? That’s where I’m willing to invest in a tutor to go one-on-one with my kid.
Can you make a kid learn? No. I’ve got a book called Making Children Mind without Losing Yours. Can you make a kid mind? No. But you sure can set up situations where a kid figures out they’re money ahead to behave than to misbehave. And so it is with school. There has to be some kind of priority system. I think in a priority system, number one, a kid’s first priority is to his family. That means he does work around the house. He gives back to his family. His second priority is guess what, school. That’s really number two. That’s high on the list of things that kids have to do. I think we have to expect the best of kids. If the kid is a great little soccer player or baseball player or hockey player, whatever it is, I would use that as a tool so that he can devote more time to his studies. In other words, he wouldn’t play hockey. He wouldn’t play on the basketball team. Is that drastic? Yes, but drastic measures are needed in drastic times.
I think in fourth grade, a kid who doesn’t read and who’s failing, you better do some things. You better pull some magic dust out from someplace, parent.
Andrea: Dr. Leman, what if you have a high schooler or middle schooler who, they do really well in most of their subjects, but they’ve got a couple of subjects that they’re not very motivated in and getting lower scores in just those classes?
Dr. Leman: Well again, I don’t think you need a PhD in anything to figure this one out. I think admitting that most of us function in specific areas pretty well, and some of us who succeed very well in some areas don’t in others. I was in a sixth grade math class at our school. They had mathematical problems up on a math. I’m not kidding you, sixth grade. I wouldn’t know what to do with any of them. I’m not a smart person when it comes to math.
Andrea: So what I hear you telling me is I shouldn’t be so worried that this is going to affect his GPA, and by the time he graduates, just because math and science have lower scores, it’s not gonna ruin his … I mean, it may make his GPA lower. He’s not gonna be valedictorian, but that’s not the end of the world?
Dr. Leman: It’s not. But again, as a parent, our inclination is we want to fix things. So if a kid is really poor in math, wouldn’t it make some sense to find a good math tutor for the kid? I think it would. Or not well in science. Science and math are so basic to higher education. If that was the downfall, I would go out of my way to find a fun, young tutor to help my son or daughter.
Doug: My sister, who’s not young, but she’s a tutor as well. She does an amazing job of helping the kids feel confident they can do it. I’ve seen kids that are horrible at math do amazing things. I do agree. If my kid finishes the school year and hates school, right. I’ve got a couple weeks left. Is there anything I can do to change his attitude or that perspective on school?
Dr. Leman: Well, I think you take the positive. You pull aside the kid. Let’s just add some flavor to this question you’re asking. Let’s just say that there’s two brothers above, younger brother and a sister as well. And there he is, the baby of the family. You’ve probably been a little lax with him, not as strong and firm as you were with the other ones. I think you have to reaffirm for the kid, “You know honey. I have to tell you something. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the fact that you’ve made it through the school year. There’s only two more weeks to go, and you’ve made it. Now you and I know you probably could have done a little better, but you didn’t quit. You’re still in there slugging away. You’ve got a brother up there, in fact both of those brothers above you do well in school or very well in school. They do everything right. You know honey, there’s times I thought that maybe those two are a little over the top. Do you ever feel that way?” “Yeah, I feel that way all the time.”
“Do you feel like you have to compare yourself to them?” “Well I don’t know.” “Well let me hazard a guess. I think you do. You know, I’m just proud of who you are. You have a sensitivity to other people that, quite frankly, they don’t have. They’re much more selfish than you are, and you’re the youngest in the family. Lots of times, youngest children in the family are fairly selfish, but you have a good heart and you want to help other people. You’re the first to pitch in, but school right now is a little tough on you. I don’t know. What do you think? Do you think it’d be helpful if we got you a tutor to help in some of these areas next year?” You can throw it out there and see, but the basic message is what? I’m affirming this kid. I’m looking for the positive things this kid does. I’m not saying that school is the most important altogether thing in the world, because certainly it isn’t.
Doug: That’s really good. My last question is, if I have a struggling middle schooler, what would you tell the parents, never do this. Avoid this. Don’t do this.
Dr. Leman: Well, with a struggling middle schooler, I would make sure that the environment my son or daughter is living in is a healthy one. Middle schools today can be pretty hurtful places. Kids are mean spirited. I think if there’s a drastic change in a school setting for a kid, it’s probably best effective in the fourth grade because curriculum tends to change in the fourth grade. In middle school, for the same reasons, and in high school. And there are schools around that have, quite frankly, better environments than maybe the school your son or daughter goes to. Some kids just need a change of environment. They need to get away from that crowd that they’ve run with. Again, it’s an individual thing, but someone once said, “All things are fair in love and war.”
I think in this day and age, where the peer group can be so destructive to kids, there are times. Now listen to what I’m saying. I’m the guy that says tell your kid to suck it up and deal with it. There are times, because of the social milieu in the school, the culture is toxic for your kid, that you’re best to look at other alternatives. Why do you suppose home schooling is such a huge phenomenon in our country? The parents know what’s going on in a lot of those schools. They don’t want any part of them. What makes Leman Academy so attractive, how can we build a school and it’s filled immediately? We have long lines of people trying to get in our public school. Because we teach respect. We put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands. We hold kids accountable for what they do.
Again, look at some other opportunities. There’s a plethora, one of my favorite words in life, of opportunities for kids.
Andrea: Dr. Leman, what I hear you saying overall is when we reassess the school year that we’re looking back on, there’s several categories that we should think about if the child has been struggling. Was it the teacher? Was it the peers? Was it home life? Was it the school work? That we should consider all of those aspects and not just blame the school.
Dr. Leman: You guys are the judgment callers. You have to make a judgment call. Andrea and Doug have to make vital decisions about their kids’ education. Hopefully in concert with their kids. But you look at your own kids. They’re not all the same. They’re different.
Andrea: Do you think the kid themself, if we sat down with them and said, “Hey we really want your opinion on how the school year went,” do you think they would be able to identify the areas that made their year hard, if it was a hard year?
Dr. Leman: Basically, no. They’ll take a few stabs at things. You may have to lead them a little bit. Kids that are in a peer group are not acutely aware of the damage that the peer group can do. Okay. You’re the adult. You’re gonna have to surmise some things. You might, for example, say, “Honey listen. I could be way wrong here, but there’s that new charter school down the street. I know some moms whose kids go there and they seem to like it. Would you ever want to go down, just take a look at it?” That’s how I’d approach it with a kid.
Andrea: Give them some direction.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. I think you have to give them direction. I’ve said this before, but one of the funny moments in life in eighth grade is they pulled me in the guidance counselor’s office. And they say, “Well what do you want to be in life?” I say, “Oh I want to be a dentist.” Oh, you’ve got to take Latin. Well, Latin took me for five years. Passed it twice. Once because I copied off the kid in front of me on the final exam and he was pretty smart. And the reason, this is what you have to understand, the reason I wanted to be a dentist was I went to an orthodontist. And by the way, I took my own braces off my teeth. I did.
Doug: Ouch.
Dr. Leman: But I went to an orthodontist who could speak like Donald Duck. Oh phooey, you know. I was so impressed that this guy could speak like Donald Duck. Oh phooey. Best hamburger. That I taught myself to talk like Donald Duck. But I’m telling you, the reason I told the guidance counselor I wanted to be a dentist is because my orthodontist could speak like a duck. How much sense does that make?
Doug: Lots. Lots and lots and lots.
Dr. Leman: Now you know I’m dumb as mud, right?
Doug: Oh funny, funny.
Dr. Leman: I’m just saying, when you’re dealing with the planet middle school people, and that’d the book. If you’ve got a kid that’s in the hormone group, sixth, seventh, eighth, grade, do yourself a favor. I’m telling you. You read Planet Middle School. You’ll accuse me of looking in the windows of your home or apartment. It’s a good one.
Doug: Well, that was really fun that we both wanted to do this topic together, and that it came together. And Andrea, I thought your summation was perfect, and the way you said, look at the last year of school and say, what was working well and what wasn’t. You’re telling us, have the courage to do drastic changes for your kid’s sake. Don’t be afraid of that to help them out to see those things, and make sure they’re readers. Figure out how to make reading a part of this. If your kid’s a reader, you’re gonna be fine. Thank you.
Dr. Leman: And again, Andrea, I want to say this. Doug and I both need you on this podcast.
Andrea: Oh. Well, thank you.
Dr. Leman: Because only you can give that true perspective of a mom, and because we both know you pretty well, we know there’s that soft pleaser inside Andrea where, and it speaks to so many women. Can’t we all just get along? I mean, can’t we please?
Andrea: Can’t we?
Dr. Leman: We appreciate your insight, trust me.
Andrea: Oh good. Thank you. Thank you. Well, I’ll keep speaking up.
Doug: Well, it was great to be back with you. Again, go get the book Planet Middle School if you have middle schoolers. It will help you tremendously, tremendously. You’ll be blessed. We look forward to the next time we get to hang out together again, and hopefully adding to your parenting toolbox.
Andrea: Have a great week.
Doug: Take care. Bye, bye.
It’s time for another ask Dr. Leman. “What’s next after my 5 year kicked a hole in the door and wall?” In this episode, Dr. Leman provides his insight on what to do with an overly powerful child. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.
Links:
- Making Children Mind without Losing Yours – Dr. Kevin Leman
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing
Produced by Unmutable
Transcript Doug: Well hello, I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: And I’m Andrea.
Doug: And we are so glad to be back with you on Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman. If this is your first time with us, this is for education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. You know Dr. Leman, this is our second episode back into Have a New Kid, bringing it back. So, there’s gonna be a bunch of new listeners that are on board. I just realized, it would be really helpful for them to know just a little bit about your history as a child psychologist and author. You’ve written how many books now?
Dr. Leman: 60, 6-0.
Doug: Wow. Wow. And some of them that are more well known would be?
Dr. Leman: Well, I can’t get away from The Birth Order book. People love The Birth Order book. They love Making Children Mind without Losing Yours. They love Have a New Kid by Friday. They love Sheet Music, which is the best selling book on sex written, Sheet Music. Best written from a Christian Perspective. Those are a few. There’s lots of others. Planet Middle School’s a wonderful book. Have a New Husband by Friday is a wonderful book.
Doug: The Way of the Shepherd is a great one. The other one-
Dr. Leman: Oh yeah.
Doug: Is a new, What’s the New You? And The How to Say No book are great. Okay. So those are great. How about you the person? Are you still married?
Dr. Leman: I’ve been married to the same lucky woman for now 50 years in a row, so I’m a grandfather. I’m old as dirt. Chicks still follow me, but they’re in walkers usually. We have five children. None of them currently are in jail. They’ve all done extremely well in life. They love each other and they like to hang out with us, which is sort of a nice litmus test as a parent. We had kids at about every age possible. I got my wife pregnant at 42 with our little surprise. We had the little shocker at 48. We’ve been parenting kids it seems like for most of our lives. Other than that, I speak. I do fundraisers. I can raise money for organizations. I do seminars in churches, life changing seminars. I hate the word seminar. We just say life changing events. I do business groups, YPO groups, Young President’s Organization, top of the table in the insurance industry.
They call me a motivational speaker. I hate that term, but I guess in some ways, I am.
Andrea: Are you still writing, Dr. Leman?
Dr. Leman: Oh yeah. I’ve got a book coming out in the fall called When your Kid is Hurting. It’ll be out in September. That’ll be book 61 if I’m counting right.
Andrea: Wow, congratulations.
Dr. Leman: So, a lot of things going on. We enjoy life. I have some charter schools. There are now six of them, we opened this fall. We teach kids to be respectful. We put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands for all of you involved in education. Let me assure you, you’ll never get to where you want to be in education until you figure out you need to put authority in the classroom teacher’s hand. Not as an authoritarian, but as the supreme authority in that classroom. Permissiveness reigns in our schools. That’s not the answer. Treat kids the way you expect them to behave, and they behave that way. So, Leman Academy of Excellence is in Arizona, in Mesa, Sierra Vista, Tucson several locations, and in Parker, Colorado. We’re knocking on Nevada’s door and Texas’ door next, and I’d like to think that we could make a dent in American education.
I’m a former dean of students. I graduated fourth from the bottom of my class in my high school. I was voted to go nowhere. I finally got in college, got thrown out of college. Met my wife in the men’s room of a hospital when I was a janitor. So, that’s enough to wet your whistle about who this old guy is on the radio.
Doug: Two other things, as an outsider that I know that I appreciate about Dr. Leman is A, all the kids get together in the summer for a week back at a lake house because they enjoy hanging out with mom and dad and each other so much. Like, hello, could there be a better dream, and their spouses come with them. If we need validation that Dr. Leman knows what he’s talking about, like the dream, he does it. I could go on and on about the number of times their family gets together to celebrate the other kids’ successes. Like when their youngest, who not that long ago graduated from college, the whole family came out, everybody came out to celebrate it. And the second thing that you alluded to is that while you have been parenting for a long time, and your youngest is not that far out of the parenting cycle, so it’s not like you’re not in touch with what everybody’s going through, and you’re running this school, so you’re right in the middle of it again.
Andrea: So you know exactly what’s happening.
Doug: With everybody. So it’s really great that we get the longevity of seeing things come and go, and yet you’re fresh in it. The last thing is I really want to thank Baker Publishing again, for making this podcast happen. Because of them stepping up, we get to be back together. They’re an incredible company. I just can’t say enough of my appreciation to them to be able to get us to do this again.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. They’ve sold millions of copies of Leman books, and they’re good people. They’re located in Grand Rapids, Michigan. But you know, I’m out. I just did a MOPS group yesterday, and talking to young mommies. I try to stay in touch, of course, at our school. I’m talking to moms of school age kids, K through, well actually preschool through eighth grade all the time. I really am in touch with some of the struggles that parents are facing. By the way, if you’re a new listener to our podcast, help us spread the word. Go on Facebook, tell people they can discover us at BirthOrderGuy.com
Doug: Yeah man. All righty.
Andrea: I’m excited to hear Dr. Leman’s answer to this question.
Doug: This is one of our favorite times that you leave an audio voicemail about a problem. We get to play it on the air and Dr. Leman gets to answer it. He has no idea what this one is, so this’ll be fun. Here we go.
Voicemail: Kevin, I have a five-year-old who is very mouthy and yells a lot at me. She’s also a boss and likes to take charge. She still throws tantrums and she is five years old. A lot of times I do let her get away with things, but I was wondering what we can do as parents for discipline. I know I’ve tried putting her in her room, and shutting the door and holding it, but she has kicked a hole in the door and the wall. What do I do at this age, because I thought at five the tantrums would be gone? If you could get back with me, that would be great. Thanks.
Dr. Leman: Well, I appreciate the question. To quote you, “I thought by five, the temper tantrums would be gone.” Why would they be gone? There’s no reason to have them gone because they’ve obviously been paid off, to the point where at age five, this kid has developed behavior that’s consistent with a very powerful child. Not a strong-willed child, a powerful child. A powerful child has to have the last word in everything. Many times, they’re very demonstrative, such as throwing things, kicking things, damaging things. They’re little ragers, is what they are. You can imagine what kind of a wife this young woman is gonna grow up to be. I mean, who is her husband, Hercules, the strong man? I wouldn’t want to live with a woman like that. Nobody in their right mind would.
What you have to owe up to, and I appreciate your candor, is that you and your husband, assuming that you are married, have created this little mouthy, bossy, powerful little buzzard. It would be extremely rare that neither of you as mom and dad is a powerful person. When you have a powerful child, I’ve got news for you, they didn’t get it from drinking the water in your home. They got it through the interaction of a parent that is far too what? Authoritarian. Now here’s the clicker. Now I don’t know if you’re a person of faith or not, but almost all the teaching we’ve got from some well-meaning people who are very well known has basically been authoritarian training. I’m bigger than you are. I’m better than you are, and you’re gonna do what I tell you to do.
Well, right there is a recipe for rebellion in a kid’s life. And we plant the seeds of rebellion early, and a kid has his little will, shows his temperament, we overreact to it, and the kid gets worse. He says, “Oh I gotcha. We’re playing parental poker, aren’t we? Well I’ll see your quarter and I’ll bump you a quarter.” And you get into a spitting contest with a kid, a power struggle with a kid, and guess what, you lose. So you have to find ways of removing your sails from a child’s wind. When you ask the question, “What can we do?” Stop trying things. Do some things, okay. Make sure your yes is yes, your no is no. Do not repeat things for her. Don’t ask her questions. Don’t ask her questions. I could talk about that forever. You say, “Well Leman, how do I not ask a kid a question?” You can learn to ask their opinion, especially with a powerful child. Kids will talk your ear off if you ask for their opinion. But I’m saying, get a game plan together.
Now, being as bad as that is, a five-year-old that powerful, I’m just telling you, that’s bad. And you better memorize the Making Children Mind book, and then graduate to reading Parenting Your Powerful Child because you do have a powerful child. The power will only increase. You can imagine what this kid’s gonna be like at 14, 15, 16 years old. You won’t want to be around her unless things change. So, it’s gonna mean you and your husband are on the same page, and you put into a plan based upon the teachings in Making Children Mind without Using Yours. My promise to you is this, if you’re consistent, don’t lose your cool, learn to respond and not react, you’re gonna see behavioral change quickly in your powerful little buzzard.
Andrea: How quickly?
Dr. Leman: 48 hours to a week.
Andrea: Is that why the book is called Have a New Kid by Friday?
Dr. Leman: That’s why that book is called that, yes.
Doug: So Dr. Leman, for this to happen for Brittney, she’s gonna have to change so many things, how she thinks, how she responds. What would you say to her, like here’s something that you must do first?
Dr. Leman: Number one, stop being driven by her happiness. If she wants to be miserable, let her be as miserable as she wants to be. Don’t tell her how she should feel. Don’t ask her questions. And make sure your husband is on the same page as you, so that one of you isn’t the bad guy and one of you is the good guy, because that happens way too much.
Doug: That’s a shocking first one. Don’t-
Andrea: Don’t be driven by her happiness.
Doug: Don’t be driven by her happiness. What does that mean?
Dr. Leman: Well, this isn’t a happy child. Do you think a kid who throws temper tantrums and puts a hole is a door is a happy child?
Doug: No.
Dr. Leman: This is unhappy in the truest sense of the word. This kid has to change or this kid’s gonna live a miserable life. Personality forms in the first five, six years of life. She’s already five. So, some other drastic things have to happen in the home where the kid figures out, wait a minute, this isn’t working any longer. I can’t be the tyrant in this home. I’m gonna have to subject myself to their authority. Is that gonna be easy? No. It’s like a salmon swimming upstream.
Doug: So, first off, we don’t worry about her happiness.
Dr. Leman: Right.
Doug: Secondly, when a temper tantrum happens, what’s her response?
Dr. Leman: Well, step over it if she’s in your way, or ignore it, or take her by the hand and put her outside if you have a safe place to put her. She can howl at the moon if she wants.
Doug: So we’re in the kitchen. I’m making dinner. And all of a sudden, she just throws a big old temper tantrum. I mean, she just lays in full on, red-faced and everything. I put her outside and shut the door?
Dr. Leman: I see you need some fresh air. Then go outside, close the door, lock the door. If she’s powerful, if she says she’ll pound on that door, it’ll take everything in your being not to respond to that or react to that.
Doug: Do I keep her out there for two minutes, 90 seconds?
Dr. Leman: You keep her out there until she’s quiet.
Andrea: Last time I locked her in her room, she put a hole in the door. What if she hurts herself?
Dr. Leman: The consequence of hitting a door many times is hurting yourself.
Andrea: What do I tell my pediatrician?
Dr. Leman: She hurt herself. I have a self-destructive child on my hands. I’m not quite sure what to do. There’s only so many things, I mean, you continue … If you find yourself making excuses, and even the questions you’re asking, you’re showing your weakness parent. And one of the things to know about powerful children is this. They don’t like it when other people are powerful with them. They hate it. They react to it. But if you’re firm and strong, they don’t like it, but they’ll learn to respect it. So, you need to be firm.
Doug: Would you ever advocate that you leave, that Brittney just gets up and leaves the situation?
Dr. Leman: Depending upon where you are, that could work, but I don’t want the kid that’s capable of putting holes in doors to have full reign of the house, destroy the place.
Doug: So, I stop worrying about her happiness. I let her throw her temper tantrums somewhere else. And I ignore them, right? You’re just saying just don’t give into it, any way she’ll perform.
Dr. Leman: Right because every kid that has a meltdown … Every parent’s had a kid who’s had a meltdown at one time or another. Once they wind down, for the most part, what are the kids like? Most of them are apologetic. Most of them are just tired. Some of them just cry themselves to sleep. But the next day, they’re back to a point of normalcy. So, you have to have the mindset that this too shall pass, okay. You’re the adult here, so you’ve got to put on your big girls pants, big boy pants, and deal with it as best you can.
Doug: You did a lot of family counseling as well, for many, many years.
Dr. Leman: Yeah.
Doug: In your experience, what is it gonna take for Brittney to be able to rewrite this story? What is she gonna have to do internally to be able to externally do this? In other words, how quickly can she shift at her? What is she gonna need to shift that inside of her?
Dr. Leman: Well she has to admit, number one, what she’s done isn’t working. Make a list of all things you’ve tried. I love it when parents tell me they tried this and they tried that, and they tried this, and nothing works. Well obviously something works, but you’re going from pillar to post. Do you know where you’re going? I always tell parents, “Hey in the sea of life, you’re the captain or the co-captain of the good ship family. Do you have a port of call? Do you know where you’re going?” See, most parents don’t. Most parents don’t have a reference point. You need to be an authority without being an authoritarian and without being permissive. There’s only one way, quite frankly, to rear a child, and if you’re a person of faith, you have to realize that God is not an authoritarian, and he’s our model. So, God is the supreme what? Authority. If you need that as a guide, keep in mind you want to be an authority without being an authoritarian.
You want to be an authority without being permissive. It means you’re making judgment calls together with your spouse. If you’re a single parent, guilt can get the best of you for a lot of reasons, but you have to work toward being consistent. Let your yes be yes, your no be no. Think before you engage your mouth. Don’t strike out. Don’t react. Learn to respond. There’s a big difference. Again, what has to happen for this 180 to turn around this kid’s behavior to do full circle and start going in a positive direction, she has to see, he has to see that mom and dad have done a 180. And they’re doing things differently.
Doug: Yeah. Yeah. That’s really good. That’s really good. You know, when I think back to our early years of parenting, it really was, and even later, the teenage years, well we’re still in the teenage years, it really was the books we read actually. I mean, I know that’s what we’re talking about. That’s what you do, but it really does help me have a port of call to know where we’re going together. A, when you said you’ve got to be on the same page. Having that reference point put us on the same page, and then B, it gave us common language to use when we tried to parent, which was fabulous. I’m just reminiscing.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. Everybody can’t use humor, but humor helps. I remember as you were saying that about when your kids were growing up or were little, I remember, one of my daughters coming to me and saying, “Well how come she got that and I didn’t get that?” And very matter of factly, I said, “Honey, it’s because your mother and I love her so much more than we love you.” Well she knew we were pulling her chain. She knew that wasn’t the truth, but sometimes humor can help you as an adult navigate these waters. When you have a powerful child who’s capable of kicking doors and breaking things, and everything else, “Hey Leman, you have no idea how difficult this is.” I do know how difficult it is. I’m trying to give you straight advice to be firm, to know where you’re going. Have your yes be yes, your no be no. The kids will read that you’re firm and they are unable to penetrate.
Doug: Yeah. So Brittney, if you’re listening to this, I would again, Dr. Leman already said it, I couldn’t encourage you enough to go read Parenting Your Powerful Child. It’s just gonna be incredibly powerful for you to go like, “Oh, that’s it.” And just give you that inner confidence that we all need, that mindset to be able to do it. Then, Making Children Mind without Using Yours, couldn’t encourage that enough as well for you. Just so you have the confidence to do the right things.
Well, it has been fabulous to be back. We love these questions. Brittney, thank you so much for being bold and putting that question out there, and being honest. It’s great. It helps us all because there’s lots of us that struggle with five year olds and we’re trying to figure out how to do it.
Andrea: Is there a place that people can leave their questions now that we’ve started back up?
Doug: BirthOrderGuy.com. You can still go there and leave questions. We keep loving to hear them. Thank you so-
Andrea: Thank you, Brittney.
Doug: Thank you, Brittney. Thank you, Dr. Leman. We look forward to the next time.
Andrea: Bye, bye.
Welcome back to an ALL NEW Season with Dr. Leman! “My kid is SO sensitive.” If you feel that your child melts down easily or you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, this can be a form of manipulation. Dr. Leman explains why it’s important for parents to understand their child’s behavior with some fun role-play examples.
Links:
- Making Children Mind without Losing Yours – Dr. Kevin Leman
Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing.
Produced by Unmutable.
Transcript Intro: Hey, hubby, what should we do with Lily? She’s driving me nuts. I know. We should ask Dr. Leman. He knows everything about parenting. Welcome to Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman and Doug and Andrea Terpening.
Doug: Well, Welcome back to Have a New Kid. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening.
Andrea: And I’m Andrea.
Doug: And we are so glad to be back with you. It feels so, so, so good. Real quick. If this is your first time with us, just to let you know if you have any question or concerns at anything that’s brought up during this podcast, we highly encourage you to go seek a local professional for help. Dr. Leman, we are back doing the podcast. How are you?
Dr. Leman: Well, how am I? Where have you been? Hiding in the Oregon dark forest?
Doug: Big Foot came and captured us for a while, and we’re finally set free.
Dr. Leman: I think you were hiding under a pile of wood chips up there. I’m down here in the desert. We’re talking it’s still April, and we got 90-some degrees down here. So, interesting.
Doug: Well, we still have moss up here.
Andrea: And rain.
Doug: And rain. Maybe it was we were just too gloomy. That’s why we had to take a break.
Andrea: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: And let’s start with a big thank you to Baker Publishing House, Baker Revell. Baker has several imprints. Revell is one of them, and Revell has published books like the “Birth Order” book and “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”, “Have a New Kid by Friday”, “Planet Middle School”. I mean, the list goes on. There’s 60 Leman books out there, but so many of you have literally been hounding me, in a very nice way, I gotta tell ya that, through Facebook and emails and you name it. “Hey, when are those podcasts coming back?” And so we have been working on it. This is the very first one, and Baker has been kind enough to sponsor this and make it happen.
Dr. Leman: You’re probably gonna hear some things along the way from Baker, telling about Leman products and maybe some others as well, but I’m just grateful to them that they stepped up to the plate, enabled the three of us to talk about life. The feedback we get on this podcasts is nothing short of wonderful. People like them, ’cause they’re practical, they’re short, we talk about marriage, we talk about how strange men are, and how weird women are. I do have a sense of humor. I don’t apologize for that. We try to make this fun. So, it’s a learning experience for all of us. We learn together, but the ideal is to make you a little better person, a better parent, a better husband or a wife.
Doug: Amen. Amen. So, let’s just go and give just a quick update. How are the grandbabies? The two adopted ones?
Dr. Leman: Grandbabies are two, the little ones. Two today as we speak. The older two are getting big. My little grandson, Connor, has now a size 14 foot.
Doug: Whoa.
Dr. Leman: Shoe size. He looks like snowshoes.
Andrea: How tall is he?
Dr. Leman: The nutrition says he’ll be 6’5″.
Andrea: Oh.
Dr. Leman: 6’5″. And Adeline is starring in the little production of Annie at her school. She’s Annie so she’s been singing up a storm, and it reminded me of my daughter, Holly, who I remember as a kid was singing Annie, and I said in one of my books “She sang Annie like it was yesterday.”
Doug: Oh, fun.
Dr. Leman: Tomorrow, tomorrow. No, more like yesterday when Holly sang it. So, Adeline’s doing well, Mrs. Uppington is still in love with me she says.
Doug: Whoa. Wow.
Dr. Leman: Everybody’s doing good. So, we’re good. How are your kids?
Doug: Growing. Growing. You know, that’s the thing I didn’t realize about ’em, that man, this parenting goes by way faster than I would have ever thought it did.
Andrea: Yeah, and when they hit 18, they actually graduate and move on, and oh, my goodness.
Dr. Leman: So, how is James boy doing, real quick?
Doug: Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal to be honest. Not because of Andrea and I, well, because of us, but also because it’s just been amazing to see him grow and become his own adult and take off. Just how you hope it would be. Absolutely how you hope it would be. And the other three.
Dr. Leman: Well, we’ve said many times, you’re not rearing a kid, you’re rearing an adult, and when the kid hits 18, it’s really nice to see them leave the nest confidently, and take on the challenges that lie before ’em. Good for him.
Doug: Well, and I Know we’ve said this before, and we truly mean it. We’re so thankful that we got to do this podcast with you to change our parenting so that we started raising an adult, ’cause we didn’t know how to. We knew 0-5 pretty well, but after that, we were stuck. So, it’s been great. It’s been great.
Dr. Leman: For new people, one of the things I love about Doug, it’s easy to love Andrea, it’s a little bit more difficult to love Doug, but Doug, he’s owed up to the fact, you know, I’m a reformed yeller and authoritarian, and he’s the first to say “We’ve learned a lot.” And that’s our mission here. Trying to teach. None of us are perfect. We all are flawed to the core, but that’s what these podcasts are all about. So, do us a favor, tell your friends the chubby psychologist from Tuscan, Arizona is back with a lovely couple from Oregon, and the podcasts are available.
Doug: Awesome. Awesome. Well, I thank you for all that. It’s so good to be back, and I say we jump in today’s topic. Here we go.
Dr. Leman: Let’s do it.
Doug: Let’s do it. So, today’s topic is “I’ve got this sensitive kid. I don’t know what to do with him. Dr. Leman, am I supposed to let him be sensitive, am I supposed to toughen him up, am I just supposed to let him cry? How do we deal with this whole sensitive kid issue?”
Dr. Leman: Well, if there’s one thing I’m convinced of, is that most parents when they tell me when I’m speaking around the country, “Oh, Dr. Leman, my little Buford is very sensitive, very sensitive child. He melts down very easily, and he’s just so sensitive.” Well, let’s explore what sensitive means.
Dr. Leman: Sensitive can mean that your child is extremely powerful. Ask yourself “Do I have to walk on eggs around this person?” Now some of you are thinking “Well, wait a minute. Are you talking about my husband or my child?” Well, it can be both can’t it, because many of you have married people who have tempers, who become explosive, who can fly off the handle in a second’s notice, and yes, that’s a sensitive person.
Dr. Leman: The sensitivity is a front for what’s really going on, and that is there’s power there, there’s a need to dominate, to win, and so when I hear about a precious little child that is just so sensitive, I mean, if they were trying to sell me something, I’d hang onto my wallet. Because these kids can be very manipulative, social, outgoing, and they can have more drama than you’d find at the Academy Awards evening. I mean, these kids can work ya. And so, when you fall prey to acquiescing to the demands of the sensitive child, and keep in mind, the sensitive child requires you to approach them in a certain way. And when you walk on eggs around them, all you’re doing is increasing the probability of them developing shyness as part of their repertoire behavior.
Andrea: Really? Shyness?
Dr. Leman: Yes. You show me a shy child, I’ll show you a powerful little buzzard.
Andrea: I’ve always said I hate the word “shy” ’cause I was always labeled as shy.
Dr. Leman: Yep.
Andrea: So, that’s interesting.
Dr. Leman: But see, with shyness, comes perfection. One of the reasons kids become shy is there not certain as to how to do something. They don’t like changes, and you’ve seen kids literally hide behind their mother’s skirt, if you could find moms who still wear skirts, but see that kid is just fearful of the unknown, because they can’t what? Control what’s coming. So, control, perfectionism, and sensitivity all go together, and if you have a kid that fits any of those descriptions, no wonder you’re reading a Leman book. You need to, because that kid is gonna play you like a violin.
Doug: So, Dr. Leman, I have a 14-year-old daughter, we’ll say, hypothetically, and it appears at times that she’ll come to me with tears over something I’ve done, how do I know if I’m being worked or how do I know if it really is genuine, she’s brokenhearted?
Dr. Leman: Well, if she’s come to you about something you have done, a straight “Honey, help me out here, ’cause I’m not getting it? Just what did I do? Be as explicit as you can, because if I’ve done something wrong, or I haven’t been respectful of you, I owe you an apology.”
Dr. Leman: But see, most kids don’t come that way. Most kids come whining, “I’m not gonna go to that thing you want me to go to, I’m not gonna go to youth group”. They give you their best shot with the drama, and the best thing to respond is to respond to their feelings. Don’t tell ’em they shouldn’t feel that way, and that’s where most of us get off center. We tell kids “Now, honey, don’t feel that way.” Well, obviously, the kid feels that way. He’s saying it. But he’s saying it for a purpose, and that gets us back into one of the words that I always am gonna be teaching our listeners on our podcast, and that is you have to be aware of purpose of behavior.
Dr. Leman: In other words, this drama, this shyness, this feeling that we have to walk around eggs around this person is purpose of behavior. It serves a purpose in a kid’s life, and it basically says “I’m in control of you, you’re gonna do what I want you to do”, and parents, I mean, like Lemmings flying off the cliff, they knock themselves out trying to keep their child happy at every turn. And to quote one of the best lines in the book “Have a New Kid by Friday”, is “An unhappy child is what? An unhappy child is a healthy child.”
Doug: Is a healthy child. Yeah.
Dr. Leman: But don’t be impressed with your kid’s unhappiness. It serves a purpose. Don’t be impressed with your child’s tears. Now, can a woman’s tears bring her husband to his knees? Yes. So, again, it’s not just kids that manipulate through tears or drama. It’s adults as well. Many people [crosstalk 00:11:08].
Andrea: Would you say those adults started out the same way these kids are that you’re describing?
Dr. Leman: Absolutely.
Andrea: So, you don’t grow out of it?
Doug: So, Dr. Leman, hypothetically, let’s say we have a 16-year-old daughter named, well, I shouldn’t name her, but we’re just hypothetically doing this. This is 100% hypothetically, and she is known for dragging her feet and then being sensitive once she’s pushed about not doing what she has dragged her feet to say that she has done, and hypothetically, two people named Doug and Andrea fall prey to that system often where we’re like “Oh, we feel bad for her. She is trying this, she is trying that.” How do we get outta that cycle where it feels like either we’re pushing, pushing, pushing, or it’s like we just get this mega emotion?
Dr. Leman: All right. Everybody that has an object near them, grab it and put it in your hand. It can be a pen, a cellphone, a cup a coffee, whatever. Okay, you got it in your hand? Now, pick it up. Okay, you picked up. Now put it down. Okay, now try to pick it up. Right now, I’m holding onto my cellphone, and I’ve just gave myself instructions to try to pick it up. Where is it lying? Is it lying on a surface or is it above the surface? It’s on the surface. Do you see? The trying. We get sucked into the trying. I like to prefer you’re either doing it or you’re not doing it.
Dr. Leman: The Nike people have it right on their t-shirt “Just Do It”. And so a kid who drags their feet has successfully trained their parent to continually push them, to needless involve them in their life. So, the kids who drags his feet and procrastinates, many times is a perfectionist that may be hard to spot at first glance. But she feels insecure doing it herself so she drags her feet, because she knows if she drags her feet, mom or dad will come along and sorta help her through the maze. So that’s an unhealthy response from a child.
Doug: And then the sensitivity comes in as a manipulative tool then to get me to help her then?
Dr. Leman: Then the drama comes. And you say “Well, honey, I’m not gonna do that. You need to do that.” “Well, you never help me with anything.” Punch up the guilt button on mom. “What do you mean I never help you? I help you all the time. I’m your mother. When you wanna be driven someplace, who drives you? Uber?”
Dr. Leman: I’m just saying that, you know, I say on the back of the mega-million, best-seller book “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”, I say we have seen the enemy, and they are small. And today’s kids are unionized, and they have a game plan, and they’re marching on your home. I mean, you’re the one that brought the Trojan horse in your home. Don’t blame me. But now that you’re up to your neck in alligators, you still need to try to drain the swamp. And you realize the enemy is within your home, and so, some of you have to just chill, sit back, have a good discussion, use these podcasts as husbands and wife to say “Wait a minute? Do you think there’s anything to that? That purpose of behavior he talked about?”
Dr. Leman: What is the purpose of my oldest daughter always tattle tailing on youngest daughter? She feels the competition. She doesn’t like the encroachment of her turf. Well, question. Do you treat those kids differently? Does the firstborn have more rights and privileges than the thirdborn? I hope so.
Dr. Leman: This just helps you get into the kid’s head, I think. Andrea?
Andrea: Yeah. So, if we have a child like that whether their 16 or whether they’re three, what would you say to parents who wanna help that child grow out of this, change? What would be some easy steps?
Dr. Leman: Easy step is okay, here it comes. What do I normally do? And just think it through. I usually say this, and we end up in a fight. What’s the new me? What’s the new Andrea gonna do differently? In other words, and we’ve gotten so much feedback on this one point, that you change behavior by changing the way you think. So, when you think differently and say “Okay, I’m not gonna go down that isle A, because it always gets me in trouble. I’m gonna sit and wait, I’m gonna take my time, and I’m gonna go down isle B. I’m gonna handle this differently.” Now, your chances of success are increased by simply behaving differently, ’cause you’re really saying by way of your behavior, “I refuse to play the dog-and-pony show that always ends up with drama and explosion of some kind.”
Andrea: So, that’s gonna [inaudible 00:16:13] some real power struggles the first few times you do this, right? It’s ‘not gonna be pretty.
Dr. Leman: Absolutely. Well, let’s take the case where the older daughter is whining about the younger daughter, and she’s bothering me, and she’s doing this, and she’s doing that. Well, normally you get in there and ask questions about what’s happening and all. Don’t do that. Just look at her and say “Honey, you’re 16 years old. Your sister’s 12. I think you can handle it”, and walk away.
Dr. Leman: One of the things you parents, you mommy’s, will hear from Leman a lot is turn your back and walk away, because when you engage in battle with the kids, you’re gonna end up losing. They’re gonna work ya like a violin.
Doug: Should we do role play, Andrea? You want me to do it?
Andrea: Sure. Sure.
Doug: You want me or do you wanna be the whiny? Who wants to be whiny?
Andrea: You.
Doug: Oh, don’t say I’m better at being whiny. Do not say that.
Andrea: Okay. I can try and act.
Doug: No, I’ll do it. So, “Dad, you know that football game went really late, and my friends have been really mean to me recently, like Joey, he said that he doesn’t like me anymore, and it’s really hard to just get all of life done right now, Dad. I don’t think I can get all my homework done. It’s just too much, Dad. It’s just too much. I just need to not have to do the homework this week. Okay, Dad? Is that all right?”
Dr. Leman: All right. Sounds like life’s throwing you a curve ball here.
Doug: “Dad, it’s really hard. It’s really hard right now, Dad”
Dr. Leman: I understand. We’ve all had hard times, but you know, there’s an old expression, and it probably applies in your life. When the going gets tough, you know what the follow is? The tough get going.
Doug: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dr. Leman: Now, I’m telling you, you’re a weird age to begin with, your fiends will turn on you on a minute’s notice, everybody’s pretty insecure at your age, and everybody’s trying to figure out where they are. So, I understand Joey said some things that weren’t cool, and words can hurt. I got all that. But that doesn’t negate the fact that we expect you to pull your weight in this home. Your mom works, your dad works, everybody gives back to the family. One of the few things you’re expected to do is to do your school work and do it well. We have high expectations for you. You gotta good brain in your head.
Doug: Yeah.
Dr. Leman: So, suck it up, and attend to your homework, because we read this marvelous little book, and it made all kinds a sense. It said “You know what? Don’t accept excuses. Excuses make the weak weaker”, and one of the things we know you’re not is weak.
Doug: Yeah, but dad, you’ve helped me the last couple times. Can’t you just help me again with the homework? It really, really makes it a lot better, dad. Please? Math is really hard, and you do such a good job, and I feel so connected and close to you after we work on it together, and I just love you so much, and it’s just like something we get to do together. It’s really meaningful to me.”
Dr. Leman: You know, pardon me for being blunt, but I’m feeling like I’m being worked.
Doug: Oh, dad! No. I just need help, dad.
Dr. Leman: Yeah. Okay. But you need to help yourself here. Okay? You need to get yourself together, go into your room, it’s quiet, and start on your work. Okay? You want me to come in and rescue you from your math. You know I’m not gonna do that. I’m good at math, but I don’t really enjoy doing it. It’s your homework. It’s not my homework. Now, you’ve shown through several years of schooling that you’re a very, very capable student.
Doug: Dad, you hate me. Dad, you just flat out hate me, and you just don’t care. You just don’t care, dad. You don’t. You don’t. You don’t love me.
Dr. Leman: Honey if you wanna believe that lie, you continue to believe that lie. The truth be known, you know better than that. So, I think it’s late. This conversation isn’t going anywhere, and speaking of going somewhere, I think you need to go to your room and get that work done. If you choose not to do it, in the morning, and you’d like me to send an email to your teacher that just simply says “You’re not prepared. You haven’t done your homework”, I’ll be more than happy to do it.
Andrea: So, Dr. Leman, as I listen to this, the mother’s heart in me, probably like a lot a parents out there listening, are thinking “Ah, wait a second. Now my kid’s gonna think that I don’t love them and I don’t value that time with them like they just said. We feel so connected when we do this together, and how in the world can I turn my back, walk away? This is like no, my child, if I don’t step up here, I’ve just destroyed the relationship.”
Dr. Leman: Yeah. Run it by your girlfriend, okay? She’ll see it clearer than you will, because as a mom, like you say, your heart gets in the middle, poor child, he’s this and he’s that. Don’t get sucked into that. If you do exactly what you wanna do, and you let guilt be the fuel for your action with your son or your daughter, all you’re doing is increasing the probability of your child coming to you once again for you to do his or her homework, and the child’s strength, wherewithal, security gets diminished, because you bailed ’em out. So, if that’s what you wanna do, parent, you go right ahead. Do you wanna see that kid learn from this?
Dr. Leman: Remember the bottom line was that dad said “Listen, if you choose not to do it, I’ll be glad to send an email to your teacher.” I think for most kids, that’s motivation that they’re gonna get in that bedroom even though they’re gonna feel a little sorry for themself, ’cause they weren’t able to pull it off with mom and dad, but they’re gonna do their work. Again, it’s a confident thing to say “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it.”
Dr. Leman: You know, you gotta daughter whose boyfriend just dumped her, I wouldn’t tell her to suck it up and you can handle it. I’d put her in the car, and we’d go for a long ride, and I’d listen. So, there’s a time for compassion, there’s a time to listen. Okay? But you have to have your antennae out there, parents, to know the kids are so capable of working you, and it’s almost an art form.
Doug: Yeah. Last question. So, for the mom out there, Andrea, the other one is “Well, will they still love me if I treat ’em this way? Right? Or will they hate me?”
Andrea: Right.
Doug: Answer me. Do they now hate Andrea because she told them to go to their room?
Andrea: Yeah.
Doug: Oh, sorry. What were you gonna say?
Andrea: No, that’s good.
Dr. Leman: So many parents are driven by the fact that they think they have to be their child’s best friend, and if their kid’s upset with ’em, it’s the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it’s part of life.
Andrea: So fast forward these relationships to the child is 35. What potential differences could you draw between the relationship between the parent and this daughter?
Doug: If they stand up to ’em like this, or versus always acquiescing?
Andrea: Right.
Dr. Leman: Well, again, I go back to this concept are we rearing a kid or an adult, and you want that kid to be confident. A kid doesn’t gain confidence by you doing things for the child, the child should be doing for themselves. So, at age 35, you gotta a weak person who when things go wrong, it’s somebody else’s fault. You got a person at 35 who doesn’t accept responsibility very well, is very good at getting other people to do their work for ’em. That doesn’t cut it today. That’s why God gave us parents.
Dr. Leman: We’re building character and kids are learning and their growing and sort of figuring out where they fit, but the love. You know, love and discipline. They go hand in hand, folks. You gotta understand, if you love your child, you’ll what? You’ll discipline him, but that means you discipline your life, you live a disciplined life yourself.
Andrea: What kind of relationship do you think that mom and daughter have now at 30, if that mom stood up and walked away?
Doug: Are you asking are they gonna actually have a relationship or.
Andrea: Yeah.
Doug: Is the daughter gonna be cold to walk away?
Dr. Leman: They’ll have a great relationship, ’cause it’s gonna be based upon honesty and truth and mutual respect. How many of us as adults have thanked that coach or that teacher or that parent who was tough on them?
Andrea: Right. I think probably the deep question inside of me is like “Well, if I teach ’em to be so independent, they’re just gonna fly the nest and I’ll never see ’em again.” But I know from talking to you over all these years that actually, we’re gonna have a healthy relationship, and they’re gonna wanna be my friend, but something inside of me says “Don’t make ’em so Independent. They’ll just take off.”
Dr. Leman: Yeah.
Doug: It’s my job to wrap it up here, ’cause this is so good. I wanna keep going. One thing that I did think would be applicable, Dr. Leman, since we’re restudying it, is if I’m listening to this and I’m thinking “Okay, which Leman book would help me specifically with this one?” Which one would you recommend?
Dr. Leman: Well, our podcast is called “Have a New Kid by Friday”, but I would suggest reading “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”. Now, that book has sold over a million copies for a reason. But it gives you the full gambit of the theory and the practicality of making children mind without losing yours, and I think you’ll enjoy it whether you have young kids, you look at the cover of it, you assume it’s just for young children, I’ll repeat this several times in our podcast, but when I do business groups, the basic information that I share comes out of my kids’ books “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”, “Have a New Kid by Friday”, and “The Birth Order” book. So, if you’re not a reader, there’s audio versions out there. You can pop ’em in your car, and listen as you drive or whatever, but that “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours” book is pretty tough to beat.
Doug: So “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours” would be the one that we recommend that you get for this one?
Dr. Leman: Yes.
Doug: Well, it is so good to be back talking with you Dr. Leman, and with all of you out there, and we look forward to helping you add more tools to your toolbox so you can parent more and more, and I know I say this, have said it a lot in the past, and I’ll keep saying it again, these podcasts are absolutely wonderful, but go read the books to get it deeper in your mind. There’s something about hearing it and then reading it that just makes it go deep into your soul. And if you’re a brand-new parent, like year zero to five, I cannot recommend enough that you go read that book. Can not recommend enough. For your sake.
Doug: Well, that’s it, and it’s fun to be back.
Andrea: Have a great day. Thanks for being back with us.
Doug: We look forward to the next time we’re together. Take care. Bye. Bye.
Would you like to eavesdrop on a family that is trying Dr. Leman’s teaching on their kids? Have you ever wondered what the kids really thought about the punishment? Do the kids resent their parents for it? Does is actually work? You now have that chance as we have real families tell real stories of applying Dr. Leman’s teaching.
Today you get the raw unvarnished truth of how two teenagers felt about their parents allowing them to resolve their fight and choosing their own consequences. You will be surprised at the end by the teen’s admissions.
LISTEN HERE Items from the podcast * Telling your kids to say sorry definitely does not work. * Your kids will choose a harder consequence than you. * Treat your kids like the adults they are becoming and they will respond accordingly
Parenting Tip/ Pocket Answer Let your kids make the rules for themselves.
Announcement The next session is on Temper Tantrums. If you have a question or thought regarding this topic, please leave us a voicemail for the next session. It must be under 30 seconds for the podcast. We reserve the right to use your question on the podcast. (This is NOT a private voicemail for personal counseling.)
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Question: Have you ever tried letting your kids choose their own consequences? If so, how did it go?
Kids grow up fast, and maybe you are at the point where you are helping your teen find a focus and direction for their lives. Are you wondering how to help them find their purpose in life? If so, this episode is for you!
LISTEN HERE Let me put on my Dean of Students’ hat for this episode…
I saw kids enter college with an idealistic view of themselves and where they would be in four years. Eighty percent of the kids came in as freshmen in pre-law or pre-med. Most changed their majors 3-4 times.
This is an indication that they were not prepared when they stepped into college.
When your kid steps into high school is the time to start having them shadow and intern at various jobs. Let them see what the work world looks like.
Ask yourself:
- Is my child good at people, data, or things?
- There are the social ones who are good at people.
- There are the kids who always want to take things apart; they make good engineers and builders.
- The math nerds are good with data.
- The musical should be allowed to broaden their experience with music.
- Finally, vocalize what you see in their interests, and brainstorm with them about what they see themselves doing at 25.
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What do you do when my eight year old daughter already has friendship problems? How do you deal with a 16 year old who argues with everything you decide? Listen to today’s episode to find out with the wit and wisdom of Dr. Leman.
LISTEN HERE Question #1 Lyndsay: My husband and I have 2 girls, aged 10 and a half and 8. This question is also about my 8 year old. She is in 2nd right now and she has plenty of friendship problems, including hitting other kids at school, and having difficulty getting along with others. She usually gets a consequence at school, usually its detention at lunchtime which they call focus room.
I get a note stuck in her diary that the teacher has made her fill in with what she has done wrong. My job is then to read the note and sign it and send it back to school. I’m unsure about what I should be doing about this behaviour? Should there be a home consequence? Or should I just leave it with the focus room consequence at school. It’s about once per month another incident happens at school. The teacher has been sending her to the school counsellor who talks to her and sometimes calls me to let me know what they have been talking about. She usually tries to give her strategies to deal with her frustrations in a different way other than being mean and hitting.
Dr. Leman’s Answer: It sounds like the underlying question you need to ask is, “Why does this child feel hurt by life?” Her perception is the key. Be sure you don’t treat your kids the same. They are not the same. They have different tastes, needs, interests, expectations. They don’t want to be compared to one another.
You could have a conversation with her that goes something like this:
“Honey if you continue with this behavior, you will have no friends. If that is what you want, continue with the hitting and arguing. But, if you want, I can help you to be kind.”
Also, you could ask, “Could it be that there is bullying or that kids are saying mean things to you?” Carefully watch her face as you use this psychological guessing to see how she might respond.
Question #2 Linnette: My husband and I have a 16 year old and 12 year old twin boys who are all in adolescence moment. We are christians and trying to raise them using christian values.
I think My husband is severe with them.
I think my husband is to severe with them in taking away their play station for a month. Is that a reasonable consequence for a 12 year old boy who told a lie? The twins took the PS4 in a school trip without permission and said they didn’t do it, which led us to believe someone else had stolen it.
The older son argues about everything we decide. If he wants to go to the beach with another family and friends for 9 days, we say yes but for 6 days, he complains. If he has a party, we say yes until 1:30 am, he complains he wants more time. He argues everything, it is exhausting.
We are always negotiating with him, what is your best advice?
Dr. Leman’s Answer: The main issue here with your kids is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. That would be the first thing I would work on.
I agree with the playstation decision. Not a problem! Take it away! Sell it! A month is not too long.
As for the son who is the arguer, He has learned to use his power to negotiate with you. He is in charge. He is working you.
You’ve trained him, pleased him. You need to stop trying to make him happy.
I would recommend reading my book, Parenting Your Powerful Child and checking out the product I’ve made called Great Parenting From the Get-Go.
Are you stuck in a comparison cycle? Have your kids gotten caught up in the comparison game? “Tommy has a new phone!” “They have a bigger house.” “The Joneses are going skiing!” Listen to Dr. Leman on today’s episode to find out how to break the comparison trap.
LISTEN HERE Comparison is a joy killer.
We actually teach our kids to compare themselves with each other and their friends when we do the very same thing.
As parents, we often even compare one kid to the other. “Do you remember when Johnny learned how to ride his bike? He was actually younger than you are, Beauford!”
Kids have ego-centric personalities. And they aren’t blind. They notice these comparisons.
The question I have for you is this:
Are you training up your kid to see what’s really important?
Next time they voice their comparison, humor them a little.
You could say, “Wow! I wish I could be a part of that family, too! They are going skiing? You have my permission to ask if you can join their family. Ask! You could be on the ski slopes next week!”
Here is a real surprise: part of helping them kill comparison is to help them feel involved in your family. This actually means putting them to work around the home. Let them help steer your decisions as a family. Ask for their opinions on decisions.
In the end, it is more important to feel valued than to have fun. This will have greater impact.
Is your teen being drawn into a cult? What do you do? Is your seven year old son’s hysterical violent outburst too aggressive for you to deal with? You asked and now Dr. Leman answers on today’s episode!
LISTEN HERE Question #1: My 16 year old daughter (by HER choice) became an active member of North Coast Christian Church and their 11/12 Ministry, attended camps, and had a close relationship with friends and the teen community of the church. She got baptized while at camp last fall and she was generally doing great and moving into a good direction. She then met a boy at the beach who is a good kid. She abruptly stopped all of her church activities and we asked why but she didn’t have an answer.
We just found out her boyfriends sister and Mom have been recruiting her to attend this cult with them behind our backs by arranging to pick her up “covertly” under pretense of her going “surfing”. My ex husband is very upset at this and confronted the Mom. What is your opinion on how to handle this situation so that we don’t push her away, yet keep her from joining this cult while she is still under our roof at age 16. Thank You
Dr. Leman’s Answer: By confronting the boyfriend’s parent, you have already muddied the water, so to speak.
It sounds like you have poured a lot of love, encouragement and a great foundation into your daughter.
To enhance the probability of her returning to this foundation and making the right decision in this matter, I would encourage you to employ hospitality constantly.
Invite the boyfriend over for a dinner.
Let her see the difference in his family and your own.
Kill her with kindness and take the edge off of her rebellion.
Let her know that you believe in her and her ability to make a good decision.
Pray for her.
Question #2 Vladimir: I have son who is 7 years. He has become very aggressive. He explodes a couple times a day for minimal reasons. In his hysterical attack he has bit my wife and I and spoke to us with very bad words. He is very dramatic and for about 10 to 15 minutes before stopping. We used your advice but we don’t know what to do to stop his behavior. Thanks.
Dr. Leman’s Answer: It sounds like you have been too good of parents! Your son has become ego-centric and does not know how to deal with failure.
I would recommend getting my book, Parenting Your Powerful Child.
You can change what you do as a parent, and hopefully find growth in your son.
When he throws a fit:
-
Step over him
-
Isolate yourself from him
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Give him much Vitamin N (No)
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Become solemn, don’t talk to him
Remember, when you start changing as a parent with a powerful child, the kid will get worse before things start to improve.
Affection? How much? What is appropriate? Do you have questions similar to these? If so, Dr. Leman will answer them on today’s episode!
LISTEN HERE You love to snuggle and hug on your kids. They love to cuddle up and read a good book. Kisses are how you show your affection.
Is this ok? Should Dad be careful how much affection he gives his kids?
My daughters still kiss me. I even have a son-in-law who will kiss me on the cheek. We all love to hug. This is all healthy relating. This should be part of a healthy daily life.
But, you have to make a judgement call on this one. If it is unhealthy, it will stick out like a sore thumb. If it is going too far, you will feel it.
The moment you start to feel that it is unhealthy is the moment you need to talk to the person who is taking it too far. If you feel uncomfortable, then speak up.
Are you a step-parent who is fighting for respect? Is the relationship with this child putting strain on your relationship with your spouse? Do you have a child who loves to scream when they don’t get their way? On today’s episode Dr. Leman explains how to handle both situations.
LISTEN HERE Question #1: My fiancé has a 7 year old son. The child mother is not in the picture at all and me and my spouse have only been together a little over a year. The son doesn’t listen to me or his father when we ask him to do something or stop doing something. He waits for us to walk away then starts doing whatever it was again.
With me being the stepmother I really don’t know the best way to go about discipline with him, though my fiancé is very accepting to my actions and really allows me to be the mother. I feel like the son isn’t quite ready for me to be his mother and it’s putting a strain on our relationship. Is there any advice you can give me to help build a relationship with my son instead of push him away?
Dr. Leman’s Answer: This answer will shock you.
Don’t marry him…
Not until he does some hard work with his son.
I’d recommend having him read Have a New Kid By Friday or Plant Middle School.
You should not be the front-runner in the discipline of your fiancé’s child. Nothing is going to magically change when you get married, and as a matter of fact, you will become the punching-bag for the boy’s anger.
Have the hard conversation with your fiancé now. He can turn his son around quickly with some intentional work.
Question #2: I have a child who is a year and is having a screaming fit. I’ll be at church and the screaming fits are off and on, the screams will stop and then start again. I don’t have any place to take him and shut the door and let the screaming stop. Are there any good tips for screaming when you are in a stationary place that you don’t plan on leaving for a while?
Dr. Leman’s Answer: Kids scream because they become enamored by their own voice, or, we pay it off.
Here is what I would do:
Pick him up.
Walk outside.
Don’t overreact emotionally.
Consider what you can use to help him stay quiet. It may be a pacifier, a book, crayons, etc.
Be patient. This will take some time.
In today’s world there are many distractions and culture sometimes goes against the way we want to raise our kids. What should we as parents be on the guard against? How can we succeed? Dr. Leman has the answer for you!
LISTEN HERE As a parent, you have a lot of things you could worry about. Culture offers much distraction, temptation, and confusion. If there are three things to pay attention to, I’d focus on these top three:
- Social Media. It dominates.
Kids and adults don’t talk to each other like we used to. Communication has become impersonal.
As parents, we are feeding it by buying phones and introducing our little children to screen time way too early.
For help on this one, check out our training called “Your Kid’s Smartphone… The Modern Day Goliath” by going to https://www.haveanewkid.com/smart-phone-page-original/.
- Social Guidelines and Taboos have all disappeared.
It is now a situation of “situational ethics”. If you don’t stand for anything, you will fall for everything!
- Children are the center of the family universe.
Mom and Dad, your kids need to see that your marriage counts. Not only that, but teach your kids to care for others by modeling it!