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Today we replay the first in a number of popular episodes. We believe it's still a very relevant topic!!!

In today’s episode, we use a question posed to us by one of our listeners to have a discussion around what to do when your spouse seemingly pulls the old switch-a-roo and wants to make a major life change, despite previously agreeing with each other.

“Hi Destination Marriage! My husband and I are curious to hear your thoughts regarding the situation that has us currently at an impass. After 5 years of marriage my husband is adamant about having kids even though we both agreed prior to getting married that kids would not be part of our future. I was very open and honest with my husband that my desire was to be a career woman and I never felt the need to have children. He is constantly bringing up the topic and it’s causing us to argue. I feel misled because he knew my stance on the topic and agreed prior to committing to marriage. Where do we go from here now that we are both on completely different planets when it comes to having children?”

• We first discuss some general thoughts around these scenarios
  • Importance of pre-marital counseling
  • Importance of open and thoughtful communication – try to get to the bottom of what might be driving the firm stance? Fear, rejection, bad childhood?
  • When you should sacrifice and changing your stance in order to show love for your spouse
  • If you do change your stance, a commitment to not get bitter – ever!

Questions to ask???

• Is this simply a result of the husband changing over the last five years or did he deliberately mislead his wife in hopes that she would have a change of heart ?
• Is there really any room for compromise? This is a huge ask of the wife who clearly is career focused and could potentially have to put her career aspirations on hold.
• Be sensitive but also highlight the very real fact that when you’re holding that baby in your arms for the first time, your entire world changes and you can’t imagine life without that baby

Other similar scenarios:

• Husband and wife both work and contribute to the household income. Wife then decides she no longer wants to work after having their first child so she can be a stay at home mom. The option of the mom remaining home to focus on caring for their child was never discussed because both husband and wife agreed the wife would remain working in order to continue having two incomes. Now what?
• Same scenario but the husband wants his wife to stay at home and quit her 9-5 to soley focus on being a mom caring for the home. She however is excited to be a new mom but also loves working and wants to return to work which is creating an issue within the marriage.

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• Join us as Tommy and I break down the latest 90 day fiancé arrest, our thoughts on the Tinder Swindler documentary and our personal experience with vitamin infusions.

• 90 Day fiancee arrest: In the latest 90 day fiancee news, Geoffrey Pashcel from season 4 of 90 day fiancee before the 90 days has been sentenced to 18 years in prison for domestic abuse and aggravated kidnapping. Now we both were wondering how they were able to sentence him to 18 years but apparently, Geoffrey had priors under his belt. Two federal drug charges for drug trafficking and possession with intent to sell a controlled substance were already on his wrap sheet when he was chosen to be on the show.

• Geoffrey portrayed himself as an outdoorsy single dad, fitness buff, entrepreneur, actor who is looking for love when he came on the show. His 90 day love interest, Varya, has made the move from Russia to the US and is still supporting him. The abuse charges against him were from his previous fiancee from before his 90 day fiancee days, Kristen Wilson.

• This man has to be the biggest narcissist to even apply to be on a tv show. Also, does anyone at TCL conduct a background check on these characters? I need to know!!! As much as I like to watch the drama unfold on this show, I would prefer they not employ abusers or kidnappers.

• TinderSwindler

• If you think that was alarming…just wait till you watch the TinderSwindler!!!! This new documentary walks us through a disturbing, alarming web of a story of a con man who used tinder to find his victims. …if you weren’t already uneasy about online dating, this may be the story that ends your desire to swipe right.

• First off, the story is told very well. They did a great job narrating, sharing detailed information from voicemail messages, texts and videos.

• Questions:

• How did he even start such a scam?

• How much money are we even talking about?

• Is this guy smart or is he just so desperate that he’s willing to try just about anything to live a lavish life he clearly didn’t earn?

• We’re trying new things in 2022!! We went to a wellness center to get vitamin infusions last week to help us get that boost of energy and replenish our bodies after being under the weather in December. The vitamin cocktail we chose was the Meyers cocktail – describe what this one is for and what’s included.

• IV – Drip – Myers Cocktail

  • What does the data say?
    • Science Based Medicine A closer look at vitamin injections. Scott Gavura on May 24, 2013

• “But despite all the hype and all the endorsements, there is no credible evidence to suggest that routine vitamin infusions are necessary or offer any meaningful health benefit. Vitamin infusions are a marketing creation, giving the illusion you’re doing something for your health, but lacking any demonstrable efficacy. What’s more concerning, providers of vitamin therapies target their marketing at those fighting life-threatening illnesses like cancer, selling unproven treatments in the absence of good scientific evidence that they are beneficial. The intravenous vitamin industry is a sideshow to science-based health care. Yes, there is an established medical role for injectable vitamins, though it’s no energy-boosting cure-all – they’re used to replace what we should obtain in our diet.”

• Intravenous micronutrient therapy (Myers' Cocktail) for fibromyalgia: a placebo-controlled pilot study

• Did it work?

• What did we feel?
• Cost effective?

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• Topic: Episode #55 - Jackie's Adele experience, celeb breakups & annual planning for 2022
• Jump right into Adele news in Vegas
  • Talk about past trip
  • Residencies – used to be where performers go to die
  • Sucks to plan a trip around the concert to then have it cancel
• Jason Mamoa & Lisa Bonet Divorce
  • Jackie to read their full statement (other page)
  • Discuss the announcement – thoughts good/bad/who cares?
  • What happened, why divorce?
  • Age difference in marriages – does it work when the man is significantly younger than the woman?
• Annual Planning
  • Dive into where we went this year and why.
  • Discuss the home – Air BNB
  • Recap of annual planning goals, history, structure. Reference previous episode for greater details
  • Instead of going into specific details of the entire process, we wanted to instead talk about what has changed, improved, gotten worse?
    • Ways we have changed that aren’t positive? – Dreaming big vs reality?
    • Ways we have improved the process – discuss ideas from each of us.
  • What did we focus on this year vs. other years?
    • Heavy focus on a positive, forward looking vision for 2022. After the chaos of 2020 and 2021, we only looked to the future instead of dissecting the past year.
    • We spent a lot of time discussing our vision for the podcast and then writing out specific goals and steps to achieve them
    • We talked a lot about traveling and upgrades we want to do to our home.

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We lost a whole month of our lives.

Happy New Year! Destination Marriage is back and ready for 2022 after an unplanned hiatus.  Join us as we discuss how we recently lost an entire month of our lives.  While everyone was knee deep in sugar cookies and gingerbread house making, we were knee deep in crackers and ginger ale.  We’re sharing it all from body aches to the impact it had on us both as a married couple. 

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!!

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• We recently watched the documentary called LulaRich which is a popular and well known MLM on comfortable clothing or magical like leggings that fit every and all shape.  Yes,  who doesn’t like a piece of clothing that fits all…right?!! And better yet..this was a product that if you “put your whole heart and soul into it” would determine the success of your business and your financial freedom.  And mind you this MLM was targeting women who were typically stay at home moms that were daily struggling with their financial choices in order to make ends meet.  • We’re going to discuss what we leared from the documentary, research regarding the hidden challenges or reprecussions  and of course our thoughts. • So let’s dive in shall we? • You are the boss of what you choose to do… I actually love that saying and I fully support.  • LulaRoe – an MLM, one of many that unfortunattly has made headlines for negative reasons which we will dive into but let’s first focus on who the are and how this got started for our listeners that may not be as familiar with the product/MLM. • Started in 2013 • Name originated from their first three grandaughers. • How it originated… • One of eleven children the founder of LulaRoe – Deanne Startup.  • Met husband and business partner Mark Stidham on a plane. • She already had 7 children from a previous marriage.  Single mom, broke but determined to live a lavish life. • Her idea started from home.  She started making maxi skirts for her daughter and it grew into a business.  She then sold items to her first retailer so they could start a side gig selling her maxi skirt product to their friends for a profit.  Her retailers grew and LulaRoe was born. • Initial investment for retailers…$5000 • Selling breast milk? Borrowing money from fam members? Credit card charges? • Tijuana Skinny’s… Deanne took several of the TOP retailers to Mexico to get the gastric bypass surgery to lose weight so they could portray a certain look for LulaRoe.  • Demographic limit…No protected territories • Some people took that box and turned it into a million dollars and some people took that box and put it in the closet because it scared them…???? • Bogus product..leggings soiled with mildew, moisture and foul smell.  Left in the parking lot exposed to elements then shipped out to retailers. • 127,000 sq feet – at that time he was putting stuff outside in cages.  It was exposed to the elements.  Holes in product, tearing of leggings, shorter hems.  They asked their retailers to take a hit to move the product regardless of the issue. • Pushing product than they could deliver at the same rate or level of quality. • Did anyone actually make real money?  Not 10k but realy sustainable money to keep a family moving in the right direction towards financial freedom? • Responses from owners of LulaRoe to Retailers who were struggling to sell:  o You’re stale  o Youre in the wrong business • Is this a pyramid scheme? o Policy? o How you make money? o Compensation structure? o How much was spent monthly to buy product? o Buy back policy? • Compleltely went away – facebook groups went off the charts with women looking for representation • Defective products – Facebook group • Class Action Law suits:  • Current payback to retailers at the time of deposition (year date ) 100 Million dollars • Make good refund policy nullified:  • Daniel Kang – friendship – ghost squad. Fancy Swedish car squad • 100 people have filed for bankruptcy  • They divorced  • Compay targeted women who wanted to meet the needs of their family life by staying home to raise the kids and take care of the home. • 4.75 million settled with suit with the the state  • LulaRoe is still currently doing business but many have left in droves.  

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Today we have a Dear Destination Marriage sent by a listener who is currently experiencing a power struggle.

"Dear Destination Marriage,

My husband and I have been married for six years but we’re experiencing a shift in our relationship that is stripping us of the happiness we once had and is causing a lot of arguments in our home. My husband and I both started out building our careers at the same time and came into the marriage with close to a 50/50 equal financial contribution. Within the last six months my husband has made leaps and bounds with his company and is making great money. While the increase in our financial pool is wonderful, his control over our finances and disregard for my thoughts on how money should be distributed is creating a great divide. I feel as though I have no voice and at this point every conversation ends up becoming an argument. Do you have any thoughts where we go from here?"

Questions:

1. What is the root of this type of behavior?

   1. Big head
   2. Previous money problems – recently crawled out of a 2020 hole?
   3. Added stress of new role – “Innocent” – doesn’t realize what he is doing to his wife?
   4. Fear of losing everything he’s earned?

2. Can financial power struggles be a sign of other underlying issues?

Suggestions:

1. Don’t stop talking to one another - Silence can be dangerous.
2. Take time to listen before responding.
3. Act in love
4. Keep the conversation on topic.

More extreme suggestions if things don’t get resolved:

1. Marriage counseling
2. Separate accounts (not sure if they’re separate now).

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It’s National Mental Health month so what better time to address the upcoming holiday season. The holidays can be a wholesome time of building memories, indulging in your favorite foods and feeling the love of your family and friends but it can also be a tumultuous time for those who don’t have family nearby, have experienced a recent loss, are in the midst of a financial struggle. The reality is that the holidays can bring on a level of stress that may make us all in need of a mental health check but let’s discuss some thoughts on how to keep it as stress free and fulfilling as possible.

• Who wins when you blend family traditions in a new marriage?

• State the potential problem

  • Family personalities influencing decisions – guilt, anger, stubbornness, passive aggressive comments from family
  • Real and deeply held religious beliefs
  • Practical problems such as travel, same day events
  • Desire to start own tradition

• Our traditions and what we have blended and why

  • What has been successful
    • We benefit from having in-laws and extended families that enjoy being with each other.
    • Shared faith
    • We have been pretty firm in what we want to do and communicating our plans

• Examples

  • Christmas Eve
  • Food traditions – mixing it up
  • Switching b/t Christmas and Thanksgiving based on everyone’s schedules/family situations
  • We’ve held events at our home over the years because it’s an easier hub to blend both families with space and location.

Tips for a win/win experience in blending traditions and culture

• Discuss +/- of each and determine what is important to honor each side of family and balance that against your own nuclear family
• Plan ahead
• Be open to compromise
• Include an activity – a game, a craft, whatever it is just avoid idle time
• Effectively communicate your decisions to your respective families
• Be patient with one another when adapting to the other’s traditions
• Have realistic expectations
• Keep conversations that could pose as a land mine off limits
• Create a budget

Importance of Creating Your Own traditions - From the site artofmanliness.com

• Provide Source of Identity
• Stengthen the family bond
• Offer comfort and security
• Teach values
• Add to the rhythm and seasonality of life
• Pass on cultural and religious heritage
• Connect generations
• Create lasting memories

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• Today’s episode is title - The apology you never knew you needed.
• Jackie’s story - As you know, we’ve been married for 20 years and within that time we’ve exchanged apologies but the apology you never knew you needed is different. It’s a recognition and an act of accountability for something that was done in the past and may have been pushed back into the files of your heart and more than likely it’s collected some dust.
• And yes..with time feelings may change or hurts can heal but in this case without recognition or an apology it can create obstacles in a marriage.
• In our early years of marriage I made the mistake of placing an unrealistic expectation on Tommy. Honestly I hadn’t even given this thought or even recognized it until recently.
• I placed a pressure on him that he could and would make certain things happen because he was my husband. Not in a bratty, “this is what I want” mentality but I had a level of dependency that was unfair to place on him.
• He was my husband though..not a genie. The unrealistic expectation added pressure, caused frustration and disagreements earlier on in our marriage.

• Like I said..we were young and my preconceived notions were obviously off in this area but that’s not an excuse.

• Tommy’s reaction

  • The impact of the apology
  • How it made me feel in the past – frustration, unsure what to do, bottle up anger
  • What it meant to me

• How that effects your marriage before and after the apology

  • Moments you remember that make you grow together and further deepen intimacy.

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• We are very excited about today’s episode, part 2 of our 20 year anniversary episodes. Before we went on our anniversary trip to Jamaica, we did a look back at what the past 20 years of marriage means to us and also a sexpectations episode on what we have learned and what we tell! It was a lot of fun so if you haven’t listened yet, please download episode 47.

• We’re back from our anniversary trip to Jamaica and it was honestly one of the most needed vacations we’ve ever had. First let me just say everyone is traveling this summer and booking a flight that didn’t cost an arm and a leg was almost impossible. We looked at Aruba, Turks, St. John, St. Lucia…We even checked out Mexico but the seaweed situation is apparently out of control lining the beach with the smell of rotten eggs so we passed. We knew we didn’t want to lift a finger on this trip so we landed on Sandals. A few friends of ours had been and raved about it so we thought let’s give it a try.

• Our trip was a great time to reconnect with each other and do some dreaming about what the next 20 years looks like in our lives as well as our plan for the next few months of episodes of Destination Marriage. We are so excited about our upcoming topics and we will offer a sneak peak at the end of today’s episode.

• For today, we thought it would be interesting to do a little back and forth on what our vision for the next 20 years looks like. The caveat is neither of us have seen what the other is going to say. So, you will get to hear us learn and debate what our next 20 years looks like in real time. Maybe some fireworks!!!

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Today's topic is rejection and some best practices we can all incorporate to move past those pesky feelings that can prevent us from moving forward in life.

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Tommy is flying solo on today's episode and asks the question - "Are husbands only civilized because of their wives?"  

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Welcome to part two of our discussion on the poison that is Narcissism. If you haven’t listened to last week’s episode, we would love for you to take a listen as we discussed The Hulu documentary – The Housewife & The Hustler about Tom Girardi & his wife Erika Girardi…aka…Erika Jayne:

• Only a true narcissist would think first about the admiration, praise and fame before thinking twice about the crimes they’re committing against another person.

• How do you spot a Narcissit!! Here are some of the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist – how to spot them.

• Two faced

• Blames others for failures
• Acts different in public vs. private
• Unreliable
• Superior attitude
• Lives in a fantasy world
• Distorts the truth or facts to suit own agenda
• Only emotionally available when they want something
• Lacks sympathy for others
• Controlling
• Provokes people then blames them for the fight
• Can not admit to mistakes
• Creates Confusion
• Financial Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• No Remorse
• Violates Boundaries
• Not Accountable
• Obsessed with Looks
• Energy Vampires
• Smear Campaign
• Controlling
• Posessiveness
• Excessive Need for Validation

9 Signs you are married to a narcissist – according to Psycom.net

1: You Feel Isolated

Drifting apart from some friends after a big life change (marriage! babies!) happens to everyone, but if your life is now rife with severed ties, it’s time to pause and reassess. “After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process,” says Cristina Dorazio, Ph.D., a psychologist who provides both individual and couples therapy in New York City. (Bad-mouthing others is a very common narcissistic behavior, notes research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.) “They can be very good at this, even making you start to question why you were ever friends in the first place,” says Dorazio. This is especially true for friends who are “on to” your narcissist spouse’s behavior.

2: You’re Being Gaslighted

Why can’t you take a joke? I never said that! Why are you always so angry? You’re being paranoid. Why can’t you let go of the past? No one will ever love you like I do.

3: Praise Looks Like This

After the I Dos, however, that often shifts dramatically. Now, the compliments may only arrive when you are in the company of others. “This allows the narcissist to look like a great husband in front of other people and contradicts any complaints you might share about him later,” says Dorazio. Another flattery twist: While compliments directed to you might fizzle, a narcissist might instead lay it on thick to others in your orbit. “They do this to feed your insecurity,” says Dorazio.

4: It Feels Like Your Partner Is Trying To Make You Jealous

Beyond praising others, a narcissist may talk glowingly about an ex or flirt with someone right in front of you. This is no accident or innocent misstep, but a strategic move designed to make you feel jealous. Beyond stoking your own insecurity, researchers note that narcissists do this in order to wield control and/or to buoy their self-esteem.

#5: There’s This Jealousy, Too

Jealousy is not an uncommon reaction when a baby joins a narcissist’s family, says Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. “Narcissistic partners can become resentful of the time you invest in childcare, so he might begin to insist that you focus more attention on the marriage than the child.” This, however, is not universal. Some narcissists, in fact, dramatically shift their focus solely on the baby. “These narcissists may see the child as an extension of themselves, so they co-opt the child, leaving you on the sidelines in terms of attention and family involvement,” says Degges-White.

6: Your Parenting Skills Are Criticized

“Narcissists often blame any perceived ‘bad’ behavior of their children on their spouse’s lack of parenting skills,” says Dorazio. Adding insult to injury, narcissists are often not as involved as their spouse in raising children in the first place—and they often use their career as an excuse to bow out of responsibilities. “In fact, if the narcissistic husband is the sole provider or earns more money in the marriage, they’ll often use that as a counterargument to not taking care of the children,” says Dorazio.

7: They “Confide” In Your Family

Narcissists are, by definition, self-involved folks who lack empathy. So it’s no shock that you’d likely turn to your support system to complain and commiserate about this type of behavior. The catch? Knowing very well that you’d likely do this, a narcissist may talk to your family and friends before you get the chance to. “A narcissist may say he’s concerned that you’re a bit ‘off’ lately,” says Dorazio. “Because, if he confides about your problematic behavior first, he takes the heat off himself.”

8: The Signature “Love Bombs” Dwindle

When dating, you were likely overwhelmed with signs of adoration, like constant love notes, flower deliveries and surprise gifts. (This is what it feels like to be swept off your feet, you thought!) After marriage, however—poof—it all stops. “You’ve been conquered through marriage, so courting with ‘love bombs’ is no longer needed,” says Dorazio, noting that these extravagant displays can often return, however, but only when your spouse wants something from you. “For example, if you’re surprised with a trip, you may be expected to show your gratitude in a very specific way, like dressing a certain way while on the trip or being available for sex whenever your spouse wants,” says Dorazio.

9: They Admit It!

A study of more than 2,200 people found it’s actually pretty easy to ID narcissists. You simply need to ask them the following: To what extent do you agree with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” And you need to define “narcissist” at the same time, noting that it means egotistical, self-focused and vain. Researchers relayed that the reason this works is that those who are narcissists are almost proud of it.

How To Deal With Your Narcissist

“Narcissists typically don’t perceive their behavior as a problem. Instead, they feel that they’re perfectly fine and others have problems,” notes Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., professor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. That doesn’t mean that there’s no hope. Here some tips on wading the treacherous waters.

1. Argue thisNarcissist cannot be wrong, making arguing with them close to impossible. “So it’s smart to find a way to convince your partner that the ‘right answer’ or the ‘right thing to do’ was their idea,” says Degges-White. “This way, you can compliment them on what a great idea they had to solve the issue.”
2. Ignore Insults are bait. A narcissist wants you to take them, react to them, and engage in a fight. But if you refuse to play, a fight can’t happen.
3. Ask yourself questions.It’s likely a good idea to reflect on any unconscious reasons you may have chosen to be with a narcissist. (A therapist is great at helping you navigate this.) Once you start to understand your motivation, you’ll have more clarity as to what you need.
4. Foster other healthy relationships.Turn to friends, family, a therapist—any supportive individual who can offer you the respect and sounding board to help with your emotional health.

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Most of you are probably familiar with Erin Brokovich – the legal clerk who was instrumental in building a case against the Pacific Gas & Electric Company of California for dumping a carcinogen known as hexavalent chromium. The trial lawyer who won the 460 million dollar settlement was Tom Girardi and in this case of the documentary…The Hustler. The housewife is none other than Erika Girardi or some may know her as Erika Jayne which is her stage name/alter ego.

Tom Girardi:

• Married his first wife in 1964, second wife in 1993 and his third wife Erika in 2000. Tom is 32 years Erika’s senior.
• He has been a powerful attorney in LA for many years – he’s tried major cases against Lockheed Martin, LA Metropolitan Transportation authority and Hollywood’s seven major studios in addition to the PG&E case that made him famous.
• One lawyer in the documentary said “he was LA Law”.
• He had so much power that lawyers wanting to become DA’s or judges and local politicians had to sort of get his blessing or kiss the ring.
• There was a lot of rumblings over the years regarding embezzling or not paying out settlement funds to other lawyers or his clients but it wasn’t until December of 2020 when he was sued publically and held in civil contempt for embezzling money from a number of families who lost loved ones in a 2018 Lion Air Boeing plane crash that his house of cards came crumbling down

Erika Girardi…aka…Erika Jayne:

• Had been married briefly and had a son prior to moving out to LA to pursue a career in entertainment. She had previously worked as a stripper in NJ before deciding that LA was where she needed to be in order to make her dreams of stardom come true.
• She met Tom while working at Chasen’s as a cocktail waitress in the 90’s. She was actually the one to make the first move – she noted in her memoir that she slipped him her number while at the restaurant and also told him she was single.
• According to her memoir, his secretary contacted her to set up a date and Erika declined also informing the secretary that if Tom wanted to take her out he would need to ask her himself. After a 6 month courting they got engaged but I do think it’s interested that Tom told her when he proposed that he would never where a wedding band.

Shady Business:

• So now that we have some back story on both The Hustler & The Housewife…let’s dive into the most recent allegations that have now brought these two into a very different spotlight than what they’ve been accustomed to.
• 2 Million stolen from the families who lost loved ones from the Boeing crash – he was asked to pay this money back to the families who were each owed $500k in December. When questioned about the whereabouts of the 2 Million dollars he was told by his attorney to plead the 5th.
• 11 million to a family that experienced tragedy a loss due to a gas pipeline explosion in California.
• $5 million owed to Law office of Phillip R. Sheldon as well for cases that were referred to Tom and won. Being sued for fraud and breach of contract.

• So where did the money go? Well…that’s literally the million dollar question right now. Tom funded Erika’s pop star career and their over the top lavish lifestyle. It’s said that he gave her upwards to $20 Million to hire glam, travel, build a team for her music…you name it. What’s interesting though is that everything that was filmed on the housewives or their home tour is now being used to track assets. Also, why on earth would you agree to a reality show if you know you have some major skeletons???

• What do we think of this whole mess?

Only a true narcissist would think first about the admiration, praise and fame before thinking twice about the crimes they’re committing against another person.

Here are some of the signs you’re dealing with a narcissist..

• Two faced
• Blames others for failures
• Acts different in public vs. private
• Unreliable
• Superior attitude
• Lives in a fantasy world
• Distorts the truth or facts to suit own agenda
• Only emotionally available when they want something
• Lacks sympathy for others
• Controlling
• Provokes people then blames them for the fight
• Can not admit to mistakes

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Today’s episode is titled "Finances - The Great Divide"

Why are we doing this episode?

• To help our listeners by share our own experiences and what we have worked on and worked through
• It’s a real problem and a leading cause of issues and divorce in marriages:
  • Data from TD Ameritrade found that 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of Boomers say they ended their marriage due to disagreements about money.
  • A study of more than 4,500 couples published in the journal Family Relationships states that arguing about money early on in your relationship, may be the No. 1 predictor of whether or not you’ll end up divorced.
  • Why is it such an issue?  Well, a study by Ramsey Solutions found that the stress created by the crushing burden of debt and the lack of communication in a marriage is a breeding ground for argument.
• We also believe that lack of communication can create a distrust issue, whether perceived or real.
  • Hiding money
  • Secret spending
  • Perceived power play

Topics we discuss specifically

• How to start off on a good foot together as a team
  • Who is the spender and who is the saver
  • What’s Mine, Yours, Ours
  • Manage extended family expectations
• Managing large purchases
• How to successfully work through financial trouble

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Is your seltzer water causing you to gain weight?

Over the last few years seltzers have become all the rage. It’s been the ultimate go to for a refreshing beverage. Most of them have either little to no calories and come in a variety of flavors so what’s not to like? I was consuming 3-4 seltzers a day..A DAY!! I tried them all as well and recently fell in love with some new ones until I found out that it was causing some health issues. I was noticing that I was retaining water and I had gained some weight that really didn’t make sense. My diet hadn’t gone off the rails and I’ve been working out consistently so I started to do a little investigating and I came across an alarming study that raised some red flags for me.

A study conducted by researchers at Birzeit University discovered that rats who were fed seltzer waters to drink rather than regular still water gained more weight as a result of an increase in their Ghrelin levels. Grehlin is a hormone naturally released when our stomach is on empty but this hormone increased significantly in the rats after consuming the seltzer. The rats that consumed the seltzers ate 20% more than the other rats!

We had an experience that honestly no one should have to experience but it’s a cautionary tale that we’ve been waiting to share. So a few years ago, we traveled to Las Vegas for a conference and we were so excited because the company was putting us up at the Four Seasons.

What could we have done differently to prevent this from happening?

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Updates on life - Jackie took a tumble, weekend trips to Miami and Orlando

In recent news you may have seen that Bill and Melinda Gates have filed for divorce. This couple has been together for 27 years and the news made headlines for obvious reasons.  The couple is said to be worth $130.5 billion dollars and have three grown children.  So why are they splitting after all of these years?

A number of reasons are said to be the cause of their demise.

Gates has admitted to being unfaithful. He reportedly had an affair with a co-worker in 2003 and he also had a strange arrangement of an annual getaway with his ex-girlfriend.  It’s said his wife agreed to this annual tryst but I can’t imagine this agreement didn’t cause some resentment over time.  Melinda is also said to have had concerns and issues with her husbands relationship with Epstein. 

The 3 I’s that lead to divorce:

1. Irreconcilable differences – how to manage finances, lack of sexual intimacy, extended family issues
2. Infidelity – broken trust that can never be rebuilt.
3. Incompatability – opposite views (politics, religion, how to raise kids, etc…)

Can you come back from any one of these?

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Today’s episode is titled Silent Killers of a Healthy Sex Life.  We noticed that much of the advice or discussions regarding what hurts a married couple’s sex life are focused on some of the more obvious issues – things like fighting between spouses, time commitments of family/kids, infidelity , outward physical ailments, etc…

What makes couples go from hot and heavy to a non existent sex life?  While a dip in the consistency of sex can negatively impact the relationship, it doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce but it should urge both individuals to look into the deeper meaning behind the lack of the physical connection.

• Monotony in daily life – mood killer
• TV/Phone in bed
• Unspoken sexual expectations of their spouse
• Hidden Insecurities
• Dad Bod effect
• Emotional connection lacking

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In today’s episode, we use a question posed to us by one of our listeners to have a discussion around what to do when your spouse seemingly pulls the old switch-a-roo and wants to make a major life change, despite previously agreeing with each other.

“Hi Destination Marriage! My husband and I are curious to hear your thoughts regarding the situation that has us currently at an impass. After 5 years of marriage my husband is adamant about having kids even though we both agreed prior to getting married that kids would not be part of our future. I was very open and honest with my husband that my desire was to be a career woman and I never felt the need to have children. He is constantly bringing up the topic and it’s causing us to argue. I feel misled because he knew my stance on the topic and agreed prior to committing to marriage. Where do we go from here now that we are both on completely different planets when it comes to having children?”

• We first discuss some general thoughts around these scenarios
  • Importance of pre-marital counseling
  • Importance of open and thoughtful communication – try to get to the bottom of what might be driving the firm stance? Fear, rejection, bad childhood?
  • When you should sacrifice and changing your stance in order to show love for your spouse
  • If you do change your stance, a commitment to not get bitter – ever!

Questions to ask???

• Is this simply a result of the husband changing over the last five years or did he deliberately mislead his wife in hopes that she would have a change of heart ?
• Is there really any room for compromise? This is a huge ask of the wife who clearly is career focused and could potentially have to put her career aspirations on hold.
• Be sensitive but also highlight the very real fact that when you’re holding that baby in your arms for the first time, your entire world changes and you can’t imagine life without that baby

Other similar scenarios:

• Husband and wife both work and contribute to the household income. Wife then decides she no longer wants to work after having their first child so she can be a stay at home mom. The option of the mom remaining home to focus on caring for their child was never discussed because both husband and wife agreed the wife would remain working in order to continue having two incomes. Now what?
• Same scenario but the husband wants his wife to stay at home and quit her 9-5 to soley focus on being a mom caring for the home. She however is excited to be a new mom but also loves working and wants to return to work which is creating an issue within the marriage.

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On today's episode, Jackie and Tommy discuss the latest season of Lifetime's reality TV show "Married At First Sight."   We discuss our thoughts on the show in general, then dive into each couple's primary issue and how that could apply to your marriage.

Enjoy!

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Measuring Up:

Today’s topic is all about the pressures of measuring up as women – as a wife, as a mom, in our careers, our physical appearance…you name it the list goes on.

The pressures of feeling enough largely affects women vs. men.  While men may experience these feelings from time to time we as women tend to process the pressures of measuring up .  It’s proven that while men may experience these feelings from time to time, women

1. Practice Gratitude – recognize the beauty in the little things
2. Take Inventory – of where you place your energy, of those around you, what’s influencing your thought patterns (societal pressures)
3. Show yourself Grace – just because you haven’t reached a life goal doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you have work to do.
4. Allow yourself to Dream – How many times do we stifle our own dreams because we feel like we don’t measure up in some area so we couldn’t possibly even attempt said dream? It’s not your husband’s responsibility to dream for you. You are allowed to have dreams of your own, dreams for your marriage, your home.
5. Break up with those negative thoughts…that’s right. It’s time to tell the negative thoughts we allow ourselves to play in our heads that the relationship just isn’t working.

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Intro to the book: Atomic Habits – Tiny changes, remarkable results, An easy & proven way to build good habits and break bad ones. Author: James Clear

• Author back story: in his sophomore year of high school he was accidentally hit in the face with a baseball bat, broken nose, skull fractures and two shattered eye sockets, Coma • Had double vision, lost his ability to smell, eyeball bulged out of socket for weeks. • Depression, loss, disappointment • He was determined to return to baseball. How was he going to make his way back? It took two years for what he called his turning point when he went to college and had worked hard for a spot on the baseball team. • James made a choice to focus on building good habits as he continued to work his way back to his peak performance and it paid off. Creating habits gave him a feeling of control. Sleep, study, fitness habits. He lived this very book and decided to share the notes he took during his journey through a newsletter that grew to 200k email subscribers – developing in a book deal, larger audiences and speaking engagements.

• What are Atomic Habits? A regular practice or routine that is not only small and easy to do, but also the source of incredible power.

• Forget about setting goals, focus on systems – “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems”

• Four stages of habits: 1. Cue 2. Craving 3. Response 4. Reward

• The four laws of behavior change for building better habits: 1. Make it obvious – Time & location 2. Make it attractive – Craving, Temptaion bundling, Wanting the reward 3. Make it easy 4. Make it satisfying – What is immediately rewarded is repeated. What is immediately punished is avoided.

• Breaking bad habits: 1. Makie it invisible 2. Make it unattractive 3. Make it difficult 4. Make it unsatisfying

• Habit: A routine or behavior that is performed regulartly and in many cases automatically. • Habit Score: +, -, = • Habit Stacking: Taking a current habit you already have and then adding or stacking your new behavior on top.

• Questions: 1. How does this apply to marriage? 2. How does this apply to our household? 3. How does this apply individually? 4. Do we play a role in creating the right habits in our spouse or even holding on to bad habits?

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Welcome to episode 33 of Destination Marriage, I’m Tommy flying solo today – Jackie has the day off – she just busted her butt yesterday making another amazing Valentine’ breakfast – this was the first one without our oldest son. But I am really thankful you have joined me on this journey today.

Men - Gut check time - Talking to myself first and foremost. This is sort of a verbal journal entry about something that’s really been on my heart recently. Little back story - I’ve been trying over the past couple of years to push myself with running and it’s really difficult for me. I’m not a natural runner and I’m still waiting for this quote Runner’s high I keep hearing about. But, I will say that when I do run – especially outside at night, is that it’s the most focused time in my day. I’m finding that during that time, the responsibilities that I’m neglecting or not doing a good job with hit me like a ton of bricks. …… I am actually enjoying running for the first time in my life – which is a real surprise as I’ve always seen running as punishment or simply to prepare for a sport’s season.

I’m not a trained counselor or therapist by any means, but I have stepped in it more times than not over the past twenty years of marriage so at a minimum at least listen to me as a cautionary tale of what not to do and what I have learned.

Ok so what has been on my mind. There are two things I want to talk to myself and to the men listening. They both focus on realizing how much impact we have on the temperature of our own homes, our children and our wives. Both of these are personal Gut Checks and also challenges to us men.

One of our listeners told us he plays our podcast in the shop where he works, and a lot of the guys listen in. He told us there are a lot of guys sharing some of the challenges in their marriages. As I was running the other night, this group of men who I’ve never met suddenly were on my heart. So, this one is for me and you. I love you guys and want the best for your children, your homes and your marriages.

The first gut check for me is to realize when I’m being a coward in my own home and the need for me to personally step up. What do I mean by that?

I listened to a recent sermon by John gray of relentless church in SC. He is focusing right now on Intentionality in your lives and he mentioned this idea of being a Peacemaker vs peacekeeper and it hit me – that frames perfectly what I’ve been mentally struggling with how I act a lot of times in my own home.

I’ve convinced myself that being a peacekeeper is wise and yes often times it is, but the hard truth for me is that many times when I say I just want peace, what I’m really doing is chickening out on my responsibilities as a father and husband. Too often what happens as a result is while I’m “saying I just want peace”, I’m all the while letting outside influences or people hurt my wife emotionally. Not physical hurt – let’s be honest that’s easy

That’s why I love the term peacemaker because it denotes the intentionality that’s necessary to create peace. Most of the time that is going to mean putting myself in front of my wife or children and protecting them and creating peace by having difficult conversations or cutting people out of our lives that don’t have our best interests in their hearts. It’s about protecting my children’s and my wife’s spirits and hearts in order to create peace.

I’ll ask you men – is that something you need to self-reflect on? Be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.

The second personal gut check was not some huge revelation, but honestly a recent and emotional realization that really stung and brought me down for a while. That was a recent learned how much impact I have in my home and how I truly set the emotional temperature for my home.

Ok so you may say to me but Tommy you don’t understand. My wife does xyz or treats me like a kid all of the time. So........What do you do with that. Personally, I tend to use a couple of options. You can do what I do a lot and fire back and get really angry and mumble something about how you’re the man and you deserve respect. Let me know how that works for you. Tends to end in an ice cold bed in my experience. You could pout and isolate. I’m the king of that one. That always ends with my wife seeking me and out and groveling at my feet professing her undying love and respect for me. Well maybe in my imagination. What is more the case and rightly so is she ends up digging in as now I’m really acting like the child. Ring true to anyone.

A third option and one that I am trying to focus on is growing thicker skin and realize that a lot of what I get from my kids or from Jackie is a direct reflection of how I am acting in the home towards them. Frankly I need to suck it up while I try to reorient how I act in the home. Back to the point about being intentional – I’m going to focus on proactively being more emotionally supportive, keeping a loving tone towards my wife, and positive, uplifting support for my children.

I believe that if I am consistent in protecting their hearts by being a peacemaker and constantly gauging the temperature of my home and reacting accordingly, then the respect and love will be given back to me in droves.

Back to the gut check, the truth is regardless if that happens or not, it’s my responsibility as the husband and father of my home to do that and I am committed to being intentional about improving my own home.

So, men please consider where you’re at in your marriage and what the temperature is of your homes. What steps could you proactively take or what things could you stop doing that would build up and protect your homes?

As I mentioned at the top, I’m not a trained professional, but if you would like to discuss privately, please Direct Message me on our Destination Marriage Instagram or Facebook and I would be more than happy to speak with you in confidence. I know that it’s hard to self-reflect and to admit to other men you have emotional things that need changing, but I promise you that the other side of that valley is much brighter if you do.

Thank you for letting me share some of my thoughts today and until next time, I hope each of you has a fantastic week, bye.

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In today’s episode, we thought we would have a little fun with phrases we hate (mostly from Millennials) and also have a serious talk about how passive aggressive phrases can cause real issues in a marriage.  Many of these phrases, whether intentionally or unintentionally can be a sign of immaturity, or often times, something worse. 

First we discuss a few phrases you hear that really annoy us:

Phrases we hate:

“Triggered”

“Adulting”

“Speak your truth”

“Stay in your lane”

“Sorry not sorry”

“Netflix and chill” – actually, I love this one

Now, let’s switch gears a git and talk about passive aggressive or other phrases in marriage that can cause damage without realizing it.

“You do you”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way”

“Fine - Whatever”

“Why are you getting so upset”

“It’s not my fault”

“Don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re over-reacting”

“I’m not mad”

“I was only joking”

“I’m not perfect”

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Happy New Year everyone!  We’re officially in 2021 and looking forward to all the possibilities a new year brings.  So, each year we set aside a weekend to focus on our annual planning and if you’ve been following us since the beginning then you may have already listened to an earlier episode dedicated to this topic but this year we are making some necessary changes and thought it might be helpful to some of you who also experienced some unexpected life altering changes in 2020.

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Today’s episode is our response to a question one of our listeners posed to our Instagram account recently.

“I have been looking for resources on how to not nag my husband and how to stop trying to control him. I nitpick and it drives him into crazy anger. I try to stop, and then I mess up and it’s driving us apart. Do you have any recommendations, or could you cover this in a future podcast?”

• Mention off the top a couple of important points:
  • These can be minor or very serious and dangerous issues inside of a marriage – while we will certainly have some fun discussing this, we recognize we are not marriage counselors and the best course of action might just be seeking professional help together.
  • Tommy – as a man and husband, please know that my heart hurts for this wife and I want to speak through a lens of grace – even if I make some jokes or react sarcastically on the show!

• Breakdown the quote and talk big picture – Controlling your spouse goes hand in hand with Nagging & Nitpicking because they’re trying to mold you into what they want

• Nitpicking:

  • What do you consider nitpicking?
  • What is the reason you are finding fault or looking to highlight faults in your partner? – unrealistic expectations, judgmental tendencies or need for perfectionism
  • Nitpicking in 2020 – more of an issue
  • For newer marriages – learning to live with one another
  • Is this creating a vicious cycle? – resentment
  • SOLUTIONS: Intentionally show grace, don’t sweat the small stuff, maybe ask yourself will this matter in a year, turn it into fun – something unique between just you?

• Nagging:

  • When does a request become nagging?
  • Jackie Example – Tommy Example
  • How can you better communicate the need?
  • What are some SOLUTIONS?
    • Step away, calm down and then respond
    • Both agree on a date and time to do task
    • Put it on electronic calendars
    • Better communicate why you’re not doing said task immediately – maybe you already have a plan – husbands instead of getting angry and feeling you’re not being respected, explain the why. Wives – if your husband truly does know what he’s doing, maybe take a step back from mentioning it anymore
    • As the Spouse being “nagged” – recognize that you may be putting something off because it’s not important but could be very important to your spouse.

• Controlling:

  • This is a deeper one that probably should go straight to counseling to find out what is really happening in the relationship or something internal with the wife or husband that is causing this behavior
  • This could take many forms – nitpicking, nagging
  • Keeping score
  • Verbally manipulating your spouse with negative speak to wear them out to do what you want.
  • SOLUTIONS:
    • Self- recognition that you have a problem is a good first step
    • Ask yourself what is driving this behavior – fear, insecurity, projecting/transferring

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On today’s episode, we have special guest Chelsey Creswell, as we discuss women’s health and wellness with a focus on Hormone Replacement Therapy. We discuss a variety of topics, with a focus on the two below:

1. The signs and symptoms you may be experiencing that might make you a good candidate for hormone replacement therapy
2. The impact your hormones have on your health, your daily life and in the bedroom

Chelsey Creswell Bio:

Chelsey has been involved in the wellness and fitness lifestyle for over 20 years. She grew up in Southern California and holds a bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and Dietetics. She is also a Registered Nurse. Prior to becoming a nurse, she was a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist through the National Strength and Conditioning Association and a Licensed Massage Therapist.

At the end of 2015 she decided to fulfill a lifelong dream and compete on the bodybuilding stage. She competed 3 times in 2016 and had the opportunity to win her professional status as a natural WNBF figure competitor. Chelsey chose KKW to coach her to this WIN.

Chelsey combines education in nutrition with her clinical experience to educate her clients on how food truly affects the body. She passionately believes that food is medicine and when used properly is the strongest catalyst for good health on this earth.

Questions we answer or touch on during our conversation regarding hormone replacement:

1. What is the typical age a woman should start inquiring about hormone replacement?
2. What are some of the signs our bodies might be using to tell us we need to have our hormones checked?
3. What are some common misconceptions?
4. Is HRT one size fits all?
5. How can women get tested for hormone replacement & where should they go?
6. Types of HRT?
7. Benefits?

Close – Call to action

Encourage other women to go through a checklist of things they are experiencing so they can follow up with proper treatment.

Please contact Chelsey at:

Instagram - @chelseycreswell

Email – teamcreswell4@gmail.com

Website – www.kkwellnessconsulting.com

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In today's episode, we discuss how to manage outside influences in your marriage. We have been thinking about this topic for quite a while and when we received a couple of questions from our listeners on this topic, we though now would be a great time to have a conversation.

Big idea = being careful and intentional about who you let speak into your life and into your marriage

Influence from each other’s friends

"My husband and I are currently at an impasse and would appreciate any advice you could offer me. My group of girlfriends and I naturally share the details of our lives during our weekly girls night. During one of our recent night’s out I may have shared some of the frustrations I’m currently experiencing with my spouse. I assure you my intentions were pure and I was simply having an open conversation with my trusted group of friends but when I hosted a girls night this past week, a couple of comments were made that made my husband aware of my recent complaints. He didn’t react to either comment initially but the next day he told me I had embarrassed him and he no longer wants me to have girls night if it’s just a husband bashing session. What should I do?"

Other things to look out for:

• Bringing negativity
• Over dramatizing situations
• Guilting you
• Speaking ill of your spouse or complaining about your spouse

Influence from in-laws & immediate family

"I am curious to know your thoughts on a situation I’m having with my husband. A little insight into who we are…We’ve been married for two years and have been together for five. My husband and I have been recently making some life changes and decisions in preparation for starting our family but my husband seems to not make a decision without consulting his parents first. I love my husband but he’s a bit of a mama’s boy…I’m worried this is going to get worse once we start having kids. "

Other things to look out for:

• Depending on parents to help in decision making
• Turning to parent rather than your spouse for emotional support – apron strings
• Sharing too much and in turn betraying your spouse’s trust
• Sharing too much with people that in turn use that against you in the future

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In this episode, I (Tommy) go solo to honor the working mothers in my personal and professional life.  There is a heavy emotional weight on everyone right now and it is even heavier on working mothers.  I say in the episode that I could not handle the emotional weight of having to be an effective worker interwoven with the constant worry over your children.

So, I thought it would be a good time to take a minute to recognize and honor the working mothers in my family, those that are my friends and those I have worked with.  I apologize in advance as I know I have missed some awesome working mothers that are in my world – please know it is not intentional. 

Starting with my beautiful bride Jackie, I thank you and honor you for how hard to you work at your business, how much you worry and pray over our boys and over me.  You’re amazing and I love you.  To all of the other working mothers, you’re awesome and amazing as well.  Keep persevering and your families will be blessed because of that perseverance.

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• Timeliness of Thanksgiving, Covid-19 & practicing gratitude
• What is gratitude? Expressing thanks for something in your life whether it’s tangible or intangible
• Is it harder or easier to practice gratitude during Covid?
• Contentment vs. Complacency
  • Contentment is a state of happiness or satisfaction. Gratitude and contentment go hand in hand.
  • Complacency – being self-satisfied or secure in a given situation, often unaware of negative realities or harmful possibilities
• Benefits of practicing gratitude:
  • Trains your mind to place more energy on the positive instead of immediately going to a negative
  • Provides motivation to keep moving forward towards life goals (this goes back to when we discussed celebrating small wins)
  • Improves your overall physical health
  • Builds self-esteem
  • Boost immune system
  • Mental health benefits
  • Improves relationships
  • Sets a positive example for your children or those around you to do the very same.
• 7 simple ways to practice gratitude:
  • Gratitude journal
  • Send a note to a friend thanking them for their friendship
  • Take a moment to enjoy the outdoors
  • Take turns at the dinner table to acknowledge something you’re grateful for
  • Thank your spouse for something they did for you that day or week (discuss some examples)
  • Embrace challenges and turn them into opportunities to grow (challenge of 2020 did we choose to grow, learn something new or crumble?)
  • Gratitude jar (place notes in a jar of things you are grateful for and take one out when you need a reminder or having a challenging time

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I’m sure most of you have heard of The Five Love Languages. It’s a wildly popular book amongst couples and we both enjoyed the insight it brought to our marriage but today is all about the five love languages of children.

Gary Chapman the author of The Five Love Languages teamed up with Ross Campbell with the goal of helping parents gain a better understanding of how to meet the emotional needs of their children. Ross Campbell was a psychiatrist and the author of several books on parenting and child development. He passed away in 2012 but over three decades he provided counsel and a wealth of knowledge to thousands of parents.

So, before we jump into the application for children and for any of our listeners that haven’t heard of these before, let’s go over each of them.

• Physical Touch
• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Gifts
• Acts of service

Emotional Tank – Every person has an emotional tank - babies and children are in the developing stages of determining what truly fills their tank. Babies needs are much simpler – they need to be held, fed and snuggled but as children become adolescents or teenagers, their needs become more defined and it’s our job as parents to fill their emotional tank. Filling their tank with each love language provides a strong foundation and provides guidance for them to learn their true love language.

• Physical Touch – A hug, snuggle time, high five, contact sports
• Words of Affirmation – Post it notes on the mirror, recognition of their hard work, complimenting them for a job well done with chores, for being a good friend
• Quality Time – a lunch date, cooking together, a bike ride, a trip – the one on one time makes them feel like they’re the most important person. Your undivided attention also offers up opportunity for conversations that might not take place without that one on one time. It’s best your child comes to you for instruction and guidance rather than seeking guidance from the wrong person.
• Gifts – Who doesn’t love a gift? When you think of a gift it automatically brings you to happy moments like Christmas or even a birthday. The fine line with children can be unintentionally spoiling them or offering gifts because it’s an easier than tuning in to their other emotional needs. Gifts may in fact be their love language which
• Acts of Service – We do things for our children that they typically can’t do for themselves like cook or wash their clothes because they have yet to know how to complete these tasks. But we gladly do these things because we love our children – it brings us joy to care for them and in turn they learn how to also perform acts of service with a genuine love. Teaching your child to complete these tasks is also an act of service.

Benefits & Purpose of learning your child’s love language

• Within the home
• With others at school
• Future relationships – girlfriend/boyfriend
• With their future spouse

Discipline: Be sure never to use the love language of your child or deny the love language as a form of punishment. For example…where can parents go wrong? How do we avoid these pitfalls?

What if I don’t know my child’s love language?

• Observe how they express love to you as the parent
• Observe how they treat others – friends or other family members
• Pay attention to their requests – looking for words of affirmation (example)
• Give them options between two love languages – would you like to go fishing with dad this weekend or would you like dad to fix the tire on your bike? – quality time vs. acts of service
• 15 week challenge: If none of those steps work the book suggests a 15 week challenge to better direct you to identifying your child’s primary love language.

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Today’s episode is called “What every husband needs from his wife . . . the newlywed vs. the veteran”. This is a unique episode of Destination Marriage as I will be flying solo, but will be co-hosting with my nephew Chris Ford, a newlywed of just over a year. Chris is Jackie’s older sister’s son and I have known him since he was about 5 years old. It’s still weird calling a grown man your nephew, but nonetheless.

We discuss a number of topics with perspectives from 1 year of marriage and from 19 years of marriage. Some of the attributes of a husband's needs from their wife that we discuss:

• Respect
• Friendship – intimacy outside of the bedroom
• Encouragement – verbal affirmation
• Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally
• Support and approval
• Honor – build him up, relish him, never shame him (especially in public, with friends or around family)
• Extended family dynamics

Chris and Emily gave me the honor of officiating their wedding last year and below is a part of the ceremony that I spoke directly to Emily about as her role as a wife. I think it summarizes much of what a husband needs

• Men and women are different …………… I trust we can all agree on that ………. We generally have respective needs that are different from the other and the Bible lays out a perfect balance here for a healthy marriage …………. These verses can be very challenging in today’s culture and I’m very glad you chose them to be read ………. The word for submission in Ephesians is one of a willing and sacrificial submission ……………. Biblical submission takes humility and has nothing to do with value ….….. you are both equally valuable in God’s eyes and in this marriage ……….. it has much more to do with God’s ordained structure for a healthy marriage ……... Emily ……… it means letting Chris be the leader of your home ……….….. it means letting Chris fail ……….…….. and if he’s anything like me …………… he’s going to fail a lot …………. It means lovingly showing grace as he grows into the man he is going to be. It is one that you do out of love and respect for Chris ……….. and it is what he needs

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Today’s episode is called “Catching up with the Keipers”. We typically have a focused topic for each episode, but we thought it would be fun to share with our listeners what we’re up to, what we’re into with entertainment, fitness, what we’re watching as we continue to navigate these unprecedented times!

Enjoy

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Today we want to talk about preparing your teens for relationships in their lives that will have significant impacts in their lives.

Primary relationships

• First love and dating - Boyfriends/girlfriends
• Friendships that will define their lives
• Other mentors or outside influences – teachers, coaches, friend’s parents

What boundaries do you put in place as parents?

• Based on age, maturity level?
• Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” Those rules could be very strict guidelines or suffocating restrictions that essentially create a prison for your kids and outside relationships can easily be seen as an escape from that prison you created.
• Very important to look in the mirror as a parent and see why you set those rules. Many times, it’s because you went through some hurt in your past and don’t want your child to go through that hurt - which is noble, but can often times cause more damage.

Where to plug your kids into to find the right kinds of friends and potential dating relationships

• School, church, sports teams

Encourage debate and discussion at home, but ultimately as a parent, you have the final say in many matters.

Dating Relationships

• How much do you let them get hurt? – Teach them to guard their heart.
• Meet the teen they are interested in dating and their parents if possible.
• Open communication – these are not one time conversations. There needs to be a level of trust and understanding that you establish with your teen so they know without a doubt that their parent is always a safe place, a listening ear and their go to for guidance.
• If they’re on the recurring end of unhealthy behavior – know when and how to step in. Better yet – have this conversation with your teen ahead of time so they’re aware of what unhealthy behavior consists of. It’s important they already know their boundaries and can confidently step away from a toxic relationship.

Social Media

• Lastly let’s talk about the impact of Social Media – differences today. The social landscape has changed (snap chat, tick tock, tinder, etc…) and how teens connect, communicate or build social circles has changed with it. As parents, it’s important to monitor these forms of communication because it gives teens easy access to one another.
• Social Media has made it easy to let your guard down emotionally as you don’t have to see someone in person and manage that emotional connection – it’s easy to hurt someone online and be hurt

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Today’s topic is something we all experience as married couples.  Whether you call it arguing, fighting or simply conflict, it’s inevitable that two married people are not always going to agree on everything.  Ultimately no one will go through marriage without experiencing a disagreement, but you should learn how to fight fair. 

In today’s episode, we discuss ground rules we have learned and try to use in our marriage when we fight.  We are a work in progress and certainly need to be intentional in following these rules, but we are both committed to each other and to resolve issues instead of just fighting to win.  We hope this episode blesses your marriage or any relationship where conflict is causing damage.

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So, today is all about getting to know us better.  We shared a little about who we are in the first Destination Marriage episode, but we thought we would revisit that conversation because we want our listeners to get to know us better.  We dive into each of our childhoods and discuss how a Maryland boy that grew up in the country fell in love with a Bronx city girl.

Then we have some fun asking each other some personal questions in a quiz type format to show you a little more about ourselves.  We found it was actually pretty enlightening as we both learned even more about one another!

We encourage our listeners to do the same and ask each other these questions.  We think you will enjoy the conversations to come!

• What food reminds you of me?
• What is your favorite board game?
• What was your favorite date we ever had?
• What was your favorite book to read as a child?
• What was your first cd and when did you get it?
• If we could live somewhere for a month on an extended vacay, where would it be?
• What movie reminds you of us?
• What one piece of marriage advice do you wish you were given when we first got married?
• If you could rid of one fashion trend women are currently wearing what would it be?
• If you had to commit to the same food you were packing in every picnic basket for every picnic we were to go on moving forward, what food would you choose?
• If I were to surprise you with tickets to a sporting event with amazing seats – everything planned...all you have to do is pack a bag and show up...what event would it be?

We hope you enjoy!

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Today we continue our Destination Growth Series by discussing “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by author Angela Duckworth. Angela Duckworth is a professor of Psychology at UPENN and also the founder and CEO of Character Lab. Much of her professional focus is on using scientific insights to help children thrive. However, in her best-selling book Grit, the insights go far beyond only helping children become grittier. It really is written for anyone to not only understand the importance of grit, but also to learn how to become grittier at any age.

So, what is the definition of Grit, as defined by Dr. Duckworth? Grit is defined as “the tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals"

The book is broken up into three parts:

• Part One is What Grit is and Why it Matters
• Part Two is Growing Grit from the Inside Out
• Part Three is Growing Grit from the Outside In

For our purposes today, we apply this book in three areas: For ourselves, as parents and for our marriage.

For Ourselves

• Jackie’s takeaway
  • Showing up and putting in the work can close the gap between those that have a natural ability vs. the determined individual
  • Purpose drives my motivation in everything I do.
  • How I view my efforts matter - Brick layer parable – laying bricks, building a church, building the house of God – job, career or calling
• Tommy’s takeaway
  • Talent doesn’t make you gritty.
  • Growth mindset – perseverance comes through failure if you believe that failure isn’t a permanent state.
  • Importance of consistent deliberate practice. There can be pleasure in the pain of practice.
  • That purpose and passion can evolve as you become proficient or an expert in something that you maybe didn’t start out thinking it was going to be your purpose.
  • Grit and personality can be developed and aren’t fixed even as adults. That the brain has plasticity and can grow and change

For Parenting

• Jackie’s takeaway
  • How do we teach Grit as parents?
  • Supporting vs. Demanding approach
  • Creating the right environment for your children to flourish
  • Tough love vs. nurturing
  • Do you offer an example of Grit to your children – Will they want to emulate you?
• Tommy’s takeaway
  • Follow through for at least a year on whatever activity/club/sport/hobby is crucial to build grit in children
  • Authoritative vs. Authoritarian – easily confused. Authoritative is putting hard demands on children but also being supportive and caring equally.
  • How important it is to have outside help to foster grit. Whether it be from us as parents or with coaches, teachers, or other authority figures – we can’t do it alone.

For our Marriage

• Jackie’s & Tommy’s takeaway
  • Really encouraging that our brains can literally rewire themselves. Our marriage can continue to grow and mature through deliberate “practice” with loving each other
  • That marriage takes real grit to be successful

Enjoy!

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Today we are doing the second episode in our now regularly recurring series that we call sExpectations!  We want to have a lot of fun with these episodes as we talk about the sexual expectations and sexual needs, wants and desires between married couples.  We will explore highlights, pitfalls, blind spots, hurts and the pleasure that encompasses activities in the bedroom!

We plan to open up about our own sex life evolution in a way that offers our listeners some laughs, maybe some hope and maybe some great ideas!  We know the topics are endless, but we both agree that while we will be vulnerable to a degree - some topics and secrets will remain between me and Tommy!   Never kiss and tell

Today’s sExpectations episode title is – Using sex to get what you want

We have two big questions on this topic.    1.  Do you use sex to get what you want 2. Should you use sex to get want you want?

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I’m sure most of you have heard of the saying...Comparison is the thief of joy which is a saying originally attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.   It’s been a pretty popular saying on social media as of late, but we thought it could be and should be applied to marriage as well.  So many of us look at social media and struggle with comparing ourselves to the person on the screen or the idea of who they are.  It’s extremely easy to do with essentially being able to look into everyone on the planet’s lives with the swipe of a finger or the push of a button. 

On today’s episode, we discuss the dangers of comparing our lives and our spouses to others and ways to avoid hurting yourself and your marriage.  Enjoy!

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If you are following us on Instagram, then you probably noticed that we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary!!   And if you know us personally then you know we always make a point to plan something special each year.

So, in today’s episode we will talk all about our recent trip for our anniversary and then shift towards the bigger picture and talk about why we believe celebrating your anniversary every year, as well as other seemingly small achievements or milestones really is a great idea for your marriage.

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It’s back to school or is it? We are currently in the middle of figuring out what this new school year is going to look like for our middle schooler.  I know we’re not alone either.  I have had so many conversations with other moms about what they’re choosing to do for the new school year or perhaps what was chosen for them per their school district. There is no manual for this because it’s brand new to all of us so …we thought it would be good just to share some of the things we will be implementing for our middle schooler who is going virtual for at least the first nine weeks. 

It’s situations like this where we need to think creatively and collaborate together as husband and wife and also with you guys. We all need to help each other out with ideas around how we can make some lemonade out of this lemon.

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Today we continue our series on Destination Growth. We are going to discuss “The One Thing  - The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results” by Gary Keller w/ Jay Papasan.

This is a fantastic booth that we found extremely applicable and timely with the ongoing Covid Pandemic and a lot of transition in our own lives personally, professionally and with our family.

How many times have you ended your day, week, month, or heaven forbid your year feeling like you didn’t accomplish anything even though you were juggling a million things at once? I know I have had those moments where I look back on the day and I’m not satisfied with how I managed my time, or I realize I never completed the one task I set out to do in the first place.  We have all had days like this, but the reality is that a collection of days where we simply don’t complete the necessary task or most important thing for the day… it snowballs into leading us down a path that moves us further away from our ONE Thing.

This is a must read for anyone who wants to reboot their time management, re-align their priorities or even change course to successfully reach desired goals and it applies to ALL areas of our life.

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On today’s episode, we discuss our experience of parenting a child with severe food allergies, environmental allergies and eczema.  We give some advice to managing as a parent, but what we are really excited about was having our 13 year old - Dylan join us on the podcast to give his perspective on actually living with these allergies.  We are so proud of Dylan’s confidence in not letting these allergies impact his life too negatively and he offers some advice for other kids going through what he goes through on a daily basis.

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Today we are launching the first in what we plan to be a regularly recurring series that we are calling sExpectations!  We want to have a lot of fun with these episodes as we talk about the sexual expectations and sexual needs, wants and desires between married couples.  We will explore highlights, pitfalls, blind spots and the joy that encompasses activities in the bedroom!

We plan to open up about our own sex life evolution in a way that offers our listeners some laughs, maybe some hope and maybe some great ideas!  We know the topics are endless, but we both agree that while we will be vulnerable to a degree - some topics and secrets will remain between me and Tommy!  Don’t kiss and tell …….. well maybe tell a little!

For our first episode in the sExpectations series we thought it would be fun to talk about the good, bad and ugly around keeping count.  We hope you enjoy!

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Today’s episode is very special for me and Jackie.  Mary, Jackie’s best friend of almost 30 years, joins us on the podcast to talk about real and truly meaningful friendships.  We share funny memories, discuss the past and the present and have fun quizzing each other on how well we know each other.  But most of all, we talk about how meaningful adult friendships have a positive impact on our lives yet are also very challenging - for both men and women.  Ultimately, we hope this episode gives you some deeper insight into what helps shape our lives and perhaps some tips into finding those true adult friendships that can have a positive impact in your life.  Enjoy!

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On today’s podcast, we discuss the very popular Enneagram Personality Test and the insights in can offer into our marriage.  Both of us took the full 144 question test and were surprised how on point the results were for each.  We really enjoyed reading each other’s results and discussing how we can both use the individual characteristics to become better spouses for one another.

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It sounds like a no brainer to be selfless or to put your spouse first, but it may not come natural to you, especially when putting our spouse first may require us to step away from something we want.  Today we discuss 10 ways to be selfless in your marriage while fighting the negative influences around us.

10 ways to be selfless in your marriage

1. Being what your partner needs vs. looking for your needs to be met
2. Helping your spouse accomplish their dreams - perhaps by sacrificing yours
3. Respecting one another’s time – just because you’re on different schedules doesn’t mean their time isn’t just as valuable
4. Thinking first about how your actions affect the other
5. Taking a chore off the other’s plate – especially the one they don’t really care to do
6. Be sensitive to the things that could be an emotional trigger for them
7. Intentionally stepping away from what interests you to plug into what your partner enjoys/is interested in
8. Proactively setting up an activity that your partner enjoys doing
9. Ensuring that your marriage comes before the kids.
10. Focus on being the perfect match for your spouse instead of focusing on your spouse meeting your needs

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For all of us with children, the instinct to protect them probably started the moment they took their first breath.  It’s easy to know how to protect them physically, but what about protecting their spirit?  In this episode, we talk about some specific steps to take to protect the spirit of your children based on our 20 years of being parents.  We also talk about the differences from a Father and a Mother’s perspective and walk through some very real scenarios when we have failed, what we have learned and when we have succeeded with our protecting our children’s spirits.

Scenarios we cover:

• When other adults with authority in your children’s lives (coaches, teachers, family members) speak life or destruction into your children.
• How to know when to let them fail as a learning tool vs protect them to prevent failure
• How to protect them when friends betray or hurt them.
• How to teach them to guard their heart and spirit when they start dating
• As parents - when to let one parent lead and when to back off

This topic is very near and dear to Jackie’s heart.  As her husband, I am in awe of her ability to be in tune with our children’s spirits and we are so excited to share our thoughts today.

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This is the first episode in our Destination Growth series.  In this series, we will each be applying lessons from a book, an article or another medium.  We will approach it from a his and hers perspective and then offer advice for one another and for our marriage based on the topic.  We won’t know what each other will say until we record, so there might be some fireworks!  The first book we review today is “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday.

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In the midst of these uncertain times the relationship we share with our spouse and those around us can be challenging.  Increased stress levels, isolation, changes in routine are just a few things that can create obstacles between husband and wife.  In our first episode of Destination Marriage, join us as we discuss how we are creating ways to make the Covid-19 pandemic a positive experience.

Where to follow us:

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Every year we set out to conquer new year’s resolutions, increase our fitness routines, recharge our diets and the list goes on.  What if you set a plan in place to help map out the how and track your progress and you work towards your newly set goals?  Year after year we team up as a couple to create our annual plan and today we’re sharing our tips and tricks to help other married couples incorporate this powerful tool to take you marriage to the next level.

Where to find us:

Destination Marriage Website

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Just because you’re married doesn’t mean the dating scene is over.  Dating your spouse can be one of the best things you do for your marriage on many levels.  Remember the fun you had getting to know your significant other before you were married?  Well…the fun doesn’t have to end and dating your spouse can be even better than before because you’re building on a foundation you already have set in place.

Where to find us:

Destination Marriage Website

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Should you work out with your spouse?  Today we discuss the benefits of getting fit together with your partner, how to do it effectively as well as some pitfalls and how to avoid them.  Ultimately, we share how we have learned to use working out together to help motivate each other, build each other and how it has improved our marriage.

Where to find us:

Destination Marriage Website

Email Us

Facebook

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Chances are you have traveled with your spouse and together you have probably developed certain routines or travel habits along the way.  Whether you gravitate towards on the go vacations or something more laid back, incorporating other friends or couples can change the dynamic.  So before you pack your bags, join our discussion around how to plan and execute your seamless trip with other couples.

Where to find us:

Destination Marriage Website

Email Us

Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

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Welcome to Destination Marriage, a podcast about successfully navigating the winding roads of marriage.  Whether you are looking to get married, you are engaged, newly married or have been married for years, we want to share with you how we have successfully navigated those winding roads over the past 18 plus years.

Join us on this journey as we discuss real life experiences, both highs and lows and what we have learned along the way.  Happiness, grace, passion are some of the things we all strive for in marriage and we invite you to take this journey with us – welcome to Destination Marriage