Sunshine Parenting: Recent Episodes
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Hi Sunshine Parenting Listeners, In the final episode of the Tough Twenties series, Gretchen (age 30), Owen (age 20), and I have a conversation about building identity capital in your twenties and how various experiences, whether professional or personal, shape our stories and can influence future opportunities. Owen shares his experience as a beach lifeguard,…
The post EP. 188 [Tough Twenties] Series Wrap Up with Gretchen (age 30) & Owen (age 20) appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series. Meg Jay, PhD…
The post EP. 187 [Tough Twenties] The Defining Decade with Meg Jay, PhD appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series. In this episode,…
The post EP. 186 [Tough Twenties] Being an Excellent Employee appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series. In this episode,…
The post EP. 185 [Tough Twenties] Myths that Might be Holding You Back from Living Your Best Life appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series. In this episode…
The post Ep. 184: [Tough Twenties] Creating Community and Connections with Owen, Age 20 appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In the Tough Twenties series, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a young adult, I know you’ll be encouraged by this series. In this episode…
The post Ep. 183: [Tough Twenties] Foundational Health Habits with Charlotte, Age 25 appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Navigating dating and romantic relationships – and figuring out how to decide who to commit to and marry- is one of the biggest decisions of the twenties. In this episode, I’m chatting with my daughter Gretchen, age 29, about her romantic relationships in her twenties, what she’s learned from her own experiences and her observations and…
The post Ep. 182: [Tough Twenties] Gretchen, Age 29, on Relationships appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
The Tough Twenties series continues with a discussion of skills to work on to be ready for adulthood, a mindset shift for parents and young adults, and how to foster connection and friendships rather than competition. Resource: In this episode, I share about my “Ready for Adulthood Checklist” Listener Question: This week I give my…
The post Ep. 181: [Tough Twenties] Ready for Adulthood appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
It is not an easy time to be a young adult. In this new series on Sunshine Parenting, I’m interviewing young adults, answering questions submitted by listeners, and sharing resources and tips related to thriving in young adulthood and beyond. Whether you’re an adolescent or a young adult in your twenties, or you’re parenting a…
The post Ep. 180: [Tough Twenties] Charlotte, Age 25 appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible! Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In Episode 179, I chat with Phyllis Fagell about her amazing book, MIDDLE SCHOOL SUPERPOWERS: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent…
The post Ep. 179: Middle School Superpowers with Phyllis Fagell appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Your camp forms are filled out and you know where the bus drop-off point is. Now it’s time for the final step in getting your camper ready for camp – packing! I’ve spent years observing what and how campers pack for camp. I’ve seen many kids arrive with too much stuff. Some don’t know what…
The post 5 Essential Summer Camp Packing Tips Every Parent Should Know appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible! Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In Episode 178, my daughter Gretchen and I share a few tips for connecting more deeply with friends, co-workers,…
The post Ep. 178: Connecting More Deeply appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Show Notes Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy! This episode is a live recording of my chat with Sara Kuljis about some of our favorite year-end reflection activities. Joining Sara and me for this episode is Kate Rader, one…
The post [Encore] Ep. 119: Year-End Reflection Activities appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
The end of one year and beginning of the next offers a unique opportunity to both reflect back and plan ahead. Because I’ve been a journaler and list-maker since I was very young, I’ve always loved this time of transition and chance to start fresh. If you read my life-changing books post, then you know…
The post 5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She’s a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she…
The post Ep. 177: Story Teaching with Sarah R. Moore appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Visit Sunshine Parenting for additional resources mentioned in this episode. Check out Audrey's book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She's a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Her heart's desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
Sunshine Parenting host Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & pediatrician (and camp doctor) Dr. Heather Silverberg talk about how COVID is impacting kids this summer at camp. Want encouragement & simple strategies for raising thriving future adults? Check out Audrey’s book, HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults. Happy Campers on…
The post Ep. 176: Summer Camp & COVID with Dr. Heather Silverberg appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Hi! I’m Audrey Monke. Thanks for visiting my little corner of the internet here at Sunshine Parenting! Watch this 1-minute video to learn why I wrote this post about the importance of teaching kids how to introduce themselves to others: Because of my research on the importance of good social skills and positive relationships for a…
The post 7 Simple Steps to Teach Kids to Introduce Themselves appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
“The movie Stepford Wives came to mind as I watched my students live their college life still somehow looking to the sidelines for mom or dad’s direction, protection, or intervention as if they were five, playing soccer, and needed a parent to point in which direction to kick the ball. I began to wonder,…
The post How Camp Helps Parents Raise Adults appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
When children are at summer camp, parents have a new daily “to do”– write and send a letter or email to their camper! Because we’re not in the habit of writing letters to our kids much these days – with brief texts being the primary form of written communication between us and our kids –…
The post 5 Fun Ideas for Letters to Campers appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
What skills do our kids need in order to be ready for adulthood? Readiness is an interesting concept. Many things we do, like going to summer camp for the first time, starting college or a new job or becoming a parent, we’re not technically “ready” for. We haven’t had any practice yet! We learn best…
The post Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible! Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In Episode 37, Sara Kuljis (of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp), and I share tips and…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 37: 8 Tips for First-Time Camp Parents appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
School is ending and camp is right around the corner. Do you know where your summer camp packing list is? I suspected as much. In addition to being a camp director, I’m also a camp parent, so I am well aware of that “where did I put that camp handbook?” feeling. With two of my…
The post Countdown to Camp: 5 Things to do NOW appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Join Debbie's TILT Parenting book club (Spring, 2022).
In this episode, I'm talking with Debbie Reber, creator of TiLT Parenting, the host of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, and the author of Differently Wired: Raising and Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. While this book was written mainly for parents that need extra support, I think it will resonate with all parents of all kids.
Big Ideas * Every child deserves to be understood and accepted for who they are. * We are all wired differently. Some differences are more visible than others. * Each kid needs different tools to thrive in life and we can help them figure out what they need for their individual journey. * When parents and children communicate their needs and explain their differences to others, people are more understanding and accepting. * 3 Key Take-Aways: + Find a community and resources + Find the right kind of support (parent coach, couples counselor, online communities) + Embrace and accept kids' strengths; teach them to articulate their needs. * Gifted kids also have special needs that can be addressed and supported in schools and at home. * As a parent, set aside what you think your child's (social, academic, physical) life should look like, and respect your child's own timeline.
Quotes Audrey: "Sometimes people are just kind of under the radar. Maybe they aren't diagnosed with something, but their parents just sort of know that they don't move through life the same way that other people do."
Debbie: "Many of the kids in my community may not have a formal diagnosis but a lot of them are extra sensitive, have heightened anxiety and are more tuned in and the world is an intense place for them."
Debbie: "I wanted to cast a wide net and include any sort of narrow atypicality because there are so many of us. But when we stay in our little buckets, we don't get to tap into the collective and recognize the power in our numbers and why things really do need to change."
Audrey: "Sometimes our biggest challenges become our biggest gifts."
Audrey: "You did this journey together with your son, learning how to help him navigate the world and then how to help you navigate the world as a parent. You figured out how to embrace your son and all of his strengths and his uniqueness and help him become his best self. And you helped him be able to articulate to the world who he is and what he needs."
Audrey: "I've always loved delving into all the personality type inventories that just help us learn how the way we see the world or react to things is different from other people and being a little more empathetic and understanding of that as opposed to thinking it's wrong."
Debbie: "We're really looking at this person as an individual human on their own incredible journey. I think it can be really hard when we're just kind of on this treadmill of life, doing what everybody else is doing. Take a conscious step back and say, 'wait a minute--who is this kid and what do they need to do to really thrive?'"
Debbie: "It's not easy to take that pause and to really shift your focus."
Audrey: "Even for people with different interests, the concept that there is one path is so flawed. Kids who aren't academically inclined or school isn't their thing are left feeling like they don't fit in. Often, it beats them down to the point where they don't have the opportunity to explore their interests."
Audrey: "The impact of not letting kids be who they really are and exploring that is coming out in the rise of mental health disorders, substance abuse, and suicide among adolescents and young adults. All of these things can be traced back to the same idea that if you don't fit into some prescribed thing, the world is hard."
Audrey: "We all have a lot of parental shame, insecurity, guilt, worry and often loneliness when we are kind of embarrassed by our kids' behavior or confused or just don't get it."
Debbie: "There's a lot of judging in parenting. It's pervasive and it's really harmful. It hurts us and when people are judging it is triggering their own insecurities. I think it's so important to find safe spaces to connect and to share."
Debbie: "It's important to get clear and remember what the core goal is and that is to support these kids in becoming who they are."
Debbie: "One of the ways we can bolster our foundation is to surround ourselves with people who fully support our family. When we do this, we relax, our kids relax, and we all get to go about our business from a place of confidence. Community changes everything. It lifts us up. It deepens our well of resources. It fuels our bravery. It allows us to be our authentic selves. It reminds me that we and our children are not alone. It's time we ditched the doubters, skeptics, and those will never get it and instead surround ourselves with our people." (Differently Wired, pg. 217)
Debbie: "Part of the process is for us to speak openly, without fear or shame or worry. That's part of the accepting process of knowing that there is no one way to be normal."
Debbie: "I imagine we are going to create a more accepting society if we stop shaming certain behaviors, ostracizing people, or making them feel like they're aberrations when really it's just a different way of being."
Debbie: "One of the biggest gifts we can give a kid is the opportunity to truly know themselves and understand how their brain works and what's going on and then how to advocate for themselves, how to speak up."
Debbie: "When people understand, it changes everything. People are afraid of what they don't understand. In a society that puts so much weight on conforming and fitting in, when we don't understand something, we tend to make up stories about it or push it aside."
Audrey: "For more typically-wired kids, it teaches them super important character traits like kindness, empathy, and compassion."
Debbie: "As parents, we can really spin out and get concerned if what we're seeing in our own family isn't matching our idea of what this should look like. Every child is on their own timeline. Everyone is growing in strengths and may have some lagging skills but they even out eventually. If we can keep our eye on the goal to raise a responsible human being who knows themselves, who understands what they need and has the tools to reach their potential, that's what we're going for."
Resources The Miracle Morning
Learn more about Debbie Reber and TiLT Parenting:
- TiLT Parenting on Facebook
- TiLT Together Facebook Group
- TiLT Instagram
http://www.twitter.com/tiltparenting
Related Posts/Podcasts If you liked this episode, listen to Ep. 104: Know and Love Yourself AND Your Kids
4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 71: Growing Your Child’s “Bushy Broccoli Brain”
Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
Last week, during my training with camp staff about friendship skills, I showed them this video (Susan Pinker’s TED Talk: The Secret to Living Longer May Be Your Social Life): I then asked our staff to share what similarities they found between summer camp and the small village in Sardinia Pinker describes in her TED…
The post Why Summer Camp May be the Secret to a Longer Life appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Check out Audrey’s book, HAPPY CAMPERS, for insights and ideas for raising thriving future adults. Now available in audio, digital, and print formats. Visit Maureen Healy’s website, Growing Happy Kids, for more about Maureen’s work and books. Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. In this episode, Maureen Healy, Ph.D., and I talk about…
The post Ep. 175: The Happiness Workbook for Kids with Maureen Healy, Ph.D. appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Visit Sunshine Parenting for Show Notes & Links. ENCORE NOTES: This incredible book came out just prior to the start of the pandemic. I was privileged to read an early copy and hear Christine speak about it in February, 2020. If you have (or will eventually have) an adolescent, I highly recommend this book. Things have changed since we were their age, and Christine offers her trademark, research-backed wisdom in this must-read.
In this podcast episode, I'm joined by my friend Christine Carter, a sociologist working out of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and author of some of my favorite parenting books. We are talking about her newest book, The New Adolescence, Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distractions.
Big Ideas * As your kids enter adolescence, parents should change their mindset from being their manager to being their coach. * As they get older, kids need to be their own manager and take care of more things independently. * Kids need less practical support and more emotional support. As their "life coach" you can help them to clarify what outcomes they want and be there for them, without being over-involved. * 3 Core Skills Kid Need for the Digital Age: + Focus + Connection + Rest * Parents should try to model a life full of focus, connection and rest. * The New Adolescence offers tips and talking points on some difficult topics such as sex, drinking alcohol, drugs, and money, and ways to discuss them with your child. + The earlier kids start drinking alcohol, and the more they drinking in high school, the more likely it is that they will develop a substance abuse disorder. + It is important to note that marijuana today has higher THC and less CBD than in years past and pot use in adolescence has proven to hinder brain development. * Real-life social connections are a good antidote for depression, stress, and anxiety.
Quotes Christine: "As parents, we haven't adapted to the massive changes (in our culture) and we're not continuing to adapt as things continue to change."
Christine: "If we're used to doing everything for our kids and we find meaning and a sense of purpose in being somebody's chief of staff or manager, then it's hard. It's a loss of a role."
Christine: "Kids need coaches to ask them to clarify what it is they want, what outcomes they are after and to help them to get those outcomes. You can be as emotionally supportive as you want but not over-involved."
Audrey: "Our kids will have setbacks and make mistakes and sometimes get themselves into bad circumstances. These things are going to happen."
Christine: "We can only do our best. I understand why parents are not engaging in some of these harder issues because it's hard to even understand what's going on."
Audrey: "Your book is a great guidebook and it's a great start for people who are struggling. There's this balance that sometimes parents have a hard time finding, between letting your child grow up, gain more responsibility, more independence, trusting them, and changing your relationship."
Audrey: "I think it's very simple to think about changing from being a manager to a coach. You're there for advice. You want them to come to you when they're struggling with something or need some help, but you are not going to, for instance, make their dentist appointment anymore. You share with them the phone number and make sure they know how often they need to go and that kind of thing."
Christine: "We are living through an age of great distraction. At the same time, we're seeing a real change in the type of work these kids are going to be asked to do. Most of them will be paid to think...and focus."
Christine: "They're not developing focus as a skill because they're multitasking all the time. They're constantly interrupted. They never learned to value focus or have the experience of doing deep work."
Christine: "Focus is the superpower of the 21st century. That is the most important thing that they need for their success and happiness. We know that the sort of deep gratification and fulfillment comes from being able to persist in your long term goals. And that takes focus."
Christine: "Building mastery takes focus. The things that are really gratifying to us, take focus. That's different from focusing for hours-on-end on a video game."
Christine: "Connection is the most important predictor of happiness that we have. It's the most consistent finding we have in a hundred or so years of research. Our overall wellbeing is predicted consistently by both the breadth and depth of our real-life social connections."
Christine: "This is a generation that is less connected, ironically, than previous generations. They spend less time with their friends."
Christine: "The human nervous system evolved to be connected in person. We get a lot out of touch, even micro touches, like a pat on the shoulder, and eye contact. Our nervous system doesn't feel alone when it can make eye contact with somebody else."
Christine: "When your nervous system feels like it's alone, as it does when you're alone in your room, but connecting with people over text or social media, it starts to feel stressed."
Audrey: "If parents only do one thing, it's fostering the relationship with their kids and helping their kids foster those close face-to-face relationships."
Christine: "When you look at the tsunami of mental illness that is coming toward us in terms of super high anxiety, depression, suicidality, it's explainable alone from a data standpoint--just by sleep depravation. When you control for sleep, all the problems start to go away."
Christine: "Kids are the most under-slept teenagers we've ever seen. It's really affecting their mental health. They're under the impression that they need to stay up late, that it's more important to study than to sleep, that they're too busy to take breaks."
Christine: "Our culture believes in busy-ness like it's a sign of your value, your productivity, your importance. And of course, none of that's true. It's completely limiting belief. But this is how we operate and our kids have picked up on this. They don't rest and it impairs their brain development."
Audrey: "I'm better at what I do when I take breaks, if I get a good nights' sleep, if I have plenty of time to read, time with my friends, I'm better at everything else. Those rest breaks make me better."
Audrey: "It's not that the screens are bad, there are lots of fun things that happen and connection, it's what it has replaced when kids are on them all the time."
Christine: "If you have a kid who's struggling, they're not alone. You're not alone. It's really hard for all of us and there are a lot of resources out there."
Christine: "We just have to engage. We just have to do our best. Once you have some more tools, you'll be able to do better. You'll see the quality of your relationship with your kids will change."
About Christine [caption id="attachment_7187" align="alignright" width="243"] Photo Credit: Blake Farrington[/caption]
Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (2017) and Raising Happiness (2011). A senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, Carter draws on the latest scientific research in psychology, sociology, and neuroscience — and uses her own often hilarious real-world experiences — to give parenting, productivity and happiness advice. She lives with her husband, four teenagers, and dog Buster in Marin County, California.
Resources Christine's free downloads are available on her website.
Follow Christine of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or LinkedIn
Her books: Raising Happiness, The Sweet Spot, The New Adolescence
Coaching resources
Christine Carter's Blog
Greater Good Magazine
Related Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Ep. 41: Getting Comfortable with our Kids’ (and our own) Discomfort with Christine Carter
The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work, Christine Carter
Ep. 123: Connection Comes First
Ep. 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Connection Through Questions
Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
ENCORE NOTES: This incredible book came out just prior to the start of the pandemic. I was privileged to read an early copy and hear Christine speak about it in February, 2020. If you have (or will eventually have) an adolescent, I highly recommend this book. Things have changed since we were their age, and…
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One thing I taught my kids last year was to ask “What else can I do?” to help them learn the important skill of finishing a job well. They still use it at the end of kitchen clean-up after dinner, and the question is music to my ears. And one of my favorite new questions…
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As parents and adults who work with youth, we can positively impact kids’ lives through helping them build good social skills, which are, I believe, more important than academic or athletic skills. At school, very little—if any—time is spent teaching these important skills, but for youth who struggle with social skills deficits, this attention is…
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Happy Campers is now available on Audible! Happy Campers is now available on Audible!
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Show notes & links available here. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In this episode, Audrey’s guest is Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist, parenting expert, and author of 24 books. Her most recent book is Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. The aim of Dr. Borba’s work…
The post Ep. 138: Unselfie with Dr. Michele Borba appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Hi Friends, Does anyone else enjoy marking the end of one year and the beginning of the next? Maybe it’s because I’ve always loved calendars and planning, but I find it extremely psychologically satisfying to close the book on one year and open up a fresh page to a new one. I always feel there’s…
The post 10 Simple Reflection & Connection Activities appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Dear Audrey, I am the early childhood/camp director at the Jewish Community Center of Dallas (and parent of 4) and I really enjoy everything that you put out! We use a lot of the same strategies, philosophy, training and readings/books with our families here at the J. I wanted to send a quick note to…
The post One Word appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
If you enjoyed listening to Camp Secret #1: Connection Comes First (the first chapter of my book), consider purchasing Happy Campers at Audible & Apple Books. If you enjoyed listening to Camp Secret #1: Connection Comes First (the first chapter of my book), consider purchasing Happy Campers at Audible & Apple Books.
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Audio excerpt from Audrey Monke's book, HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
Now available at Audible.
Sharing three good things with each other during daily family sharing is a great way to connect AND grow gratitude. It’s simple. During sharing time, each person shares three good things that happened in their day OR three things they’re grateful for. This gratitude exercise (when written down) has been proven to reduce depression symptoms.…
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“Just like at camp, connections are the result of intentionally chosen, day-to-day family habits that create feelings of warmth and belonging.” –Happy Campers Secret #1: Connection Comes First One of my favorite connection tips (besides unplugging) is having a daily family sharing habit. I’ve honed my ideas on this topic over many years of practice around…
The post Connection Tip #2: Start a Daily Family Sharing Habit appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
What do kids choose to share about their friendships, camp experiences, time at school, and other life experiences? Sometimes, not much. An activity we do during nightly campfires at camp is an excellent way to get kids to share, and it’s also an easy family sharing habit that leads to better communication and connection. Highs…
The post Highs, Lows, and Buffaloes appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Show notes & links available here. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy! Helpful short video messages from Tina A message for parents: https://vimeo.com/399730541 Fear Messaging vs. Safety Messaging: https://vimeo.com/402467778 Two Things that Increase Chronic Stress and Two Things that Reduce it in Our Kids: https://vimeo.com/402633303 Hit the Restart Button on Your Parenting: https://vimeo.com/402646808 DOWNLOAD Tina’s…
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“It’s the little, ordinary parts of our family life that our kids will remember. The feeling of what it was like to be home and to belong.” –Happy Campers Secret #1: Connection Comes First Kids need our full, undivided, undistracted attention for at least a few minutes every day. As little as TWO minutes a day…
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Show notes & links available here. About Dr. Jess P. Shatkin In this episode, I’m speaking with Dr. Jess Shatkin, about preventing mental illness and promoting health in children and adolescents. As a clinician, researcher and educator, Dr. Shatkin is one of the country’s foremost experts in adolescent mental health, risk and resilience. We talked…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 124: Promoting Mental Health with Dr. Jess Shatkin appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In Episode 52, Sara Kuljis and I chat about ways to help our kids process experiences. The ideas work for post-summer camp debriefing but also for our kids’ other adventures and experiences. Sara is a 20-year veteran camp director and parenting trainer who has great insights and ideas about parenting and counseling kids. Sara, with her…
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Show Notes This week’s discussion is with Jenifer Joy Madden, author of How to be a Durable Human. We participated in a conversation for Digital Wellness Day, and this episode is a recording of our conversation from that webinar. We discussed concepts from both of our books. Madden is a health and environmental journalist who…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 144: Raising Happy, Durable Kids in the Digital Age appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
SHOW NOTES My guest this week is Dr. Nicole Beurkens. As a licensed clinical psychologist with advanced degrees in psychology, education, and nutrition, Dr. Nicole Beurkens is the world’s leading holistic child psychologist. She has dedicated her 22+ year career to providing parents with research-based strategies that get to the root of children’s attention, anxiety,…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 151: Dealing with Uncertainty & Building Resilience with Dr. Nicole Beurkens appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
SHOW NOTES Join Audrey’s email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. Jean Rogers is the Director of the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, where she leads a coalition of practitioners, educators, advocates, and parents who collaborate on practical methods to reduce children’s time on screens and digital devices, mitigate the…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 159: “The Social Dilemma” with Jean Rogers appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Show notes & links available here. In this episode, I’m talking to Lenore Skenazy about how letting her 9-year-old son ride the subway alone in New York City led to her being labeled the “World’s Worst Mom” and sparked the Free-Range Kids movement. Her book, Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children Without Going…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 128: “America’s Worst Mom” Lenore Skenazy talks about Letting our Kids Grow appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
The art of asking good questions, and listening carefully to the person’s response, is an important skill for forming and maintaining positive, close relationships. Our social connections are the most important predictor of life-long happiness and health. Watch Susan Pinker’s TED Talk if you need convincing! Arthur Aron, a prominent social psychologist, discovered that he…
The post 36 Questions to Get Closer to Someone You Love appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Today’s show, Episode 85, was recorded live at Pegasus School in Huntington Beach as part of their PEGtalks parent education series. I’m with my frequent guest, Sara Kuljis, the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talked about my book, Happy Campers and we discussed Camp Secret…
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As parents, we spend a lot of time making our kids comfortable. Feeling cold? I’ll grab you a sweatshirt. Hungry? Let me get you a snack right away! Kid being unkind? I’ll complain to the teacher and make her stop! At times, I’ve felt like it’s my duty to alleviate any discomfort my child is…
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This post is dedicated to the fabulous young adults who choose to forgo privacy, sleep, and social media to work 24 hours a day, six days a week, as summer camp counselors. “What am I going to do with my life?” I hear this question a lot from recent college graduates and those heading into their final…
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In Episode 98, I’m chatting with Tom Rosenberg, CEO of the American Camp Association. Last year, in Episode 46, we talked about summer camp, accreditation, and #CampKindnessDay (July 20, 2021). In this episode, we talk about the research about the positive impact of camp, our joint passion for partnering with parents to bring camp to…
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“It turns out that grit predicts performance better than IQ or innate talent. Grit makes our kids productive and successful because it allows them to reach their long-term goals despite life’s inevitable setbacks. This ability to overcome challenges makes them stronger and more masterful at their tasks. Moreover, the ability to cope with difficulty –…
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Your child’s at summer camp? That’s so exciting! And hard. For some of you, an internal “WA HOO!” went off as the bus filled with excited campers and their duffle bags pulled away. But for others, this whole experience of your child not being home is really hard and causes some emotional distress. In hundreds…
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Start listening to Happy Campers now! Just in time for summer, HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible! This week’s podcast features an excerpt from the audiobook, “The Magic of Camp,” that precedes the 9 Summer Camp Secrets. Learn ways to better connect with your kids,…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In Episode 39, Sara Kuljis (of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp) and I continue our conversations and advice for parents new to the overnight camp experience. In Episode 37, we talked about how…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper’s Homesickness appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
With school out, longer days, and more open space in your family’s schedule, summer offers a great opportunity to try something new! Instead of getting bogged down (like I often do) with lofty goals and plans that just aren’t realistic (like cleaning out every closet), why not pick one main theme for your family’s summer…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In Episode 91, I’m chatting with my longtime friend and fellow camp director, Maria Horner. Maria and her husband, Tom, have been the executive directors of Catalina Island Camps since 1995. We discuss four reasons why parents…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. In this episode of the podcast, I interview Dr. Laurie Browne, Director of Research for the American Camp Association, about the five-year camp impact study being done by an external research team through the University of Utah.…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 87: The Impact of Camp Experiences with Laurie Browne, Ph.D. appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more posts, podcast episodes, and free downloadable resources. Best-selling author of nine books, child development expert, and psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D. talks about “good enough” parenting and the benefits of summer camp and other away-from-parents experiences. Hear tips from on expert on how to help kids grow their decision-making, self-reliance, and…
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My shy, quiet nine-year-old went to camp not knowing a soul. Two weeks later, she came home transformed. She blossomed. She made friends, learned a multitude of activities, felt safe, loved, confident, and happy — really, really happy. As hard as it was on me, it was all worth it for her. It was the…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. In this episode, Jean Rogers, Director of the Children’s Screen Time Action Network, and I talk about children’s well-being, ways to maximize your family’s screen-free time together, and fun resources for celebrating Screen-Free Week. Jean and I talked about The Social Dilemma (documentary) in Ep. 159 of the…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! In this episode, we’re talking about…
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Best selling author and amazing human Julie Lythcott-Haims has done it again with her new book, YOUR TURN: How to be an Adult. She offers the guidance, empathy, and sound wisdom young adults need to hear. Listen in on our chat about YOUR TURN in this episode of the podcast. About Julie WRITER. SPEAKER. HUMAN.…
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JOIN DEBBIE’S FREE DIFFERENTLY WIRED BOOKCLUB (SPRING, 2022). In this episode, I’m talking to Debbie Reber, creator of TiLT Parenting, the host of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, and the author of Differently Wired: Raising and Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. While this book was written mainly for parents that need extra support, I think…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Watch the video of this Walk…
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Show Notes Enjoy my conversation with 23-year-old Emma Liberman about her insights from Julie Lythcott-Haims’ new book, YOUR TURN: HOW TO BE AN ADULT. I asked Emma to read and review my early copy, and she knocked it out of the park with her insights. Links Julie Lythcott-Haims Website Your Turn: How to Be an…
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Show Notes The Addiction Inoculation In this supportive, life-saving resource, the New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure helps parents and educators understand the roots of substance abuse and identify who is most at risk for addiction, and offers practical steps for prevention. Jessica Lahey was born into a family with a…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Watch the video of this Walk…
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Show Notes Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. Let’s all take a few nice, long, deep breaths. Hi Friends, We’ll be needing a lot more deep breathing in these coming weeks! This week’s episode is a recording of a live webinar Sara Kuljis…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 132: Creating Structure, Fun, and Connection appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Related Episodes & Posts Ep. 28:…
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This episode features my conversation with Dr. Michele Borba about her phenomenal, must-read book THRIVERS: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine – 7 Teachable skills of heart, mind, & will that set happy, healthy, high-performing kids apart. Links Dr. Michele Borba’s Website Thrivers book info & video series [ENCORE] Ep. 138:…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Related Episodes & Posts Ep.115: Giving…
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Through her psychotherapy practice and her own experience as a divorced mother of three children, Dr. Jenna Flowers knows the importance of prioritizing children’s well-being and practicing “conscious coparenting.” Her book, The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Coparenting: A Mindful Approach to Creating a Collaborative, Positive Parenting Plan, About Dr. Jenna Flowers Dr. Jenna Flowers has…
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Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Get on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join summer camp directors, moms, & joy chasers Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they share updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources…
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Show notes & links available here. Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources. Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes from 2020, my conversation with Jim Burns, President of HomeWord and the Executive…
The post [ENCORE] Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Put on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go outside, and join Audrey “Sunshine” Monke & Sara “Salsa” Kuljis as they walk and talk, sharing updates, resources, ideas and encouragement with each other and with you! Visit Sunshine Parenting for more resources & episodes. Put on your shoes, hop on your treadmill or go…
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Show notes & links. Check out Audrey’s book, HAPPY CAMPERS. Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources. Subscribe to Sunshine Parenting email updates for free resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. Register for the Parenting in Place Masterclass Series. Links The Parent Compass: Navigating Your…
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Show notes & links available here.
Join my PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources.
Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
In this episode, Audrey's guest is Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist, parenting expert, and author of 24 books. Her most recent book is Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.
The aim of Dr. Borba's work is to strengthen children's empathy and resilience and break the cycle of youth violence. In this book, she shares her experience meeting kids from all over the world and discovering the unprecedented global epidemic of mental health disorders.
Watch Audrey & Michele's chat on video Big Ideas * 1 in 3 kids has overwhelming stress levels. As a generation, kids today are lonelier, more risk-averse, and lacking in curiosity. Dr. Borba began to examine the causes and found the lower the income of the kid, the happier the child. * Studies found that in the U.S., teens are nosediving in empathy. There was a 40% drop in 30 years, while narcissism and self-absorption were up 58%. Kids today need to develop empathy. * Empathy can be cultivated in our youth and doing so will dramatically enhance their success, happiness, and well-being. Here are some ideas: + The Two Kind Rule: say or do at least two kind things every day. + Check-in with your kids and ask, "What was something kind you did today?" + Model kindness and caring. + Talk about your values and moral identity. + Show and demonstrate kindness in small and simple ways.
9 Essential Habits that Give Kids the Empathy Advantage: 1. Emotional Literacy: Be able to read someone's feelings, to connect with others, talk about feelings. 2. Moral Identity: Feel inside that caring matters and your values inform good choices. 3. Perspective Taking: Feel another person's point of view. 4. Moral Imagination: Share uplifting literature, film, news, and images as a source of inspiration. 5. Self-Regulation: One simple tip is to teach “Belly Breathing.” 6. Practicing Kindness:Look for simple ways for your child to see you extend kindness. 7. Collaboration & Teamwork: Encourage your child to have contact with individuals of different races, cultures, ages, genders, abilities, and beliefs. 8. Moral Courage: Promote moral courage and teaching children situational awareness to embolden them to speak out, step in, and help others. 9. Altruistic Leadership: Don't think about yourself, think about what you can do for others.
Four questions to consider: 1. Which empathy habits are you helping your children acquire?
2. Which empathy habits might you be overlooking?
3. Which empathy habits is your school addressing or may be overlooking?
4. Which habit are you interested in nurturing in your children or students?
Quotes Michele: "Empathy is teachable. Our kids are hard-wired to care, but we've got to nurture it and the culture is removing it."
Michele: "Parenting right now is all about the G.P.A. and the rank and score. So it puts empathy down on a lower level. All we need to do is flip it around because we'll raise more successful, happier kids who are more prepared for life if we do."
Audrey: "When you are not feeling good, the best thing you can do is serve other people. Empathy gets you outside of yourself."
Michele: "When we look at kids and who their role models are, 20 - 30 years ago it was, I want to be a helper, a doctor, a teacher, a firefighter. Now? Somebody who is rich and famous."
Michele: "If we flip our parenting and weave in how we cultivate empathy, and it's doable. It's not another teacher, not another tutor or worksheet--it's simple little things that we can do on a day-to-day basis that will make a major difference in our children's lives."
Michele: "You can't have empathy unless you can read somebody else's feelings. That's emotional literacy. Our kids have been looking down, not up. They've been disconnected. So right now, just start talking feelings more because that's the gateway to empathy."
Michele: "Kids need to feel inside their heart and soul that I'm a caring person and that matters. So talk about that in your home. 'That's what we stand for, those are our values.' Because your kid will be likely to step in and do the right thing."
Michele: "If we keep asking those simple little things, and weave them in, what we start doing is stretching our kids to think 'WE' not 'ME' and that's what helps our kids to be able to fight the stress."
Michele: "When stress builds, empathy goes down and burnout comes up. We're now looking at a population of burned out, overwhelmed individuals."
Michele: "My challenge to each kid right now is to think of one person who's struggling. It could be a friend, somebody you may not be able to connect with face-to-face, but what's one simple little thing you can do to reach out and help that person? It will not only get your stress level going down, it'll help that person. That's a win-win."
Audrey: "During a time of high stress and high anxiety, the best thing we can do is stop thinking so much about our own stress and our own worry and instead think about, 'What can I do?' Little acts of kindness."
Michele: "Parents, don't try to do it all. You'll be overwhelmed and your kids won't be so happy."
Michele: "Yes, it's important that you get the grade and you study, but it's also important to have balance. Because what you really want is a child who has two things going for them (heart and mind.) That's the kid who's going to be able to handle life well."
Audrey: "Parents, remember, talk about it. If it's important to you, make sure your kids know that it is important to you and that you value kindness and empathy."
Audrey: "Our identity is so much more powerful than anything else. So if we want our kids, for example, to be healthy, they need to identify themselves as a healthy person who doesn't take things into their body that are bad for them."
Audrey: "A lot of communication to kids is, 'Don't do this, don't do that.' It's so much more powerful to say, 'We are kind. We're going to practice kindness.'"
Michele: "Words really do matter. Praise can diminish or increase empathy. One of the simplest things to do is catch your kid with any kind of character trait and use the word 'because' in your praise: 'That was being kind because you held the door open for grandma. Did you see how happy she was?'"
Michele: "When kids see the impact of a gesture, they're more likely to repeat the gesture until they become that kindhearted kid. Just tuning up our praise the right way can make a difference."
Audrey: "Let's take this time to think more about our family's values and use it as a kind of reset...There are simple things we can do right now to come out of this better, kinder people."
Michele: "All of these habits, you weave them in. It's kind of like this little scaffolding trajectory. You start when they're little and you keep on going even when they're out of the house. And what you end up with is habit nine--the altruistic kid who wants to make a difference in the world. That's what our world needs right now. The kid who thinks 'WE,' because we get through stuff together, not alone."
Audrey: "It's never too late to start this--or too early--and nd it will lift everybody up. We need more people bringing positive changes to the world. What this world needs is people who care and people who are looking out for each other."
Resources Dr. Michele Borba
7 Ways to Teach Perspective Taking and Stretch Children’s Empathy Muscles Empathy Is a Verb: My TEDx Talk to Start An UnSelfie Revolution
The Altruistic Personality by Samuel P. Oliner
Related 5 Ways to Encourage Empathy in Kids
Ep. 124: Promoting Mental Health with Dr. Jess Shatkin
30 Days of Kindness
Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
One Simple Thing What are the "little things" that bring you delight?
Make a short list, and encourage your kids, your partner, and your friends to do the same. When you take time to create your list, you'll realize how many of the little things you enjoy don't cost anything and can be done even when you're stuck at home.
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
My Favorite It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.-Bronnie Ware
Bronnie Ware's post, "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."
Here are the five regrets Ware lists in the post and covers in her book by the same name (which I haven't read).
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I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
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I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
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I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
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I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
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I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind
Listener Question This week's listener question came in via email. If you have a question you'd like me to cover on a future episode of the podcast, email me or record a voice message!
Hi there,
I listen to your podcast and joined your discussion of homeschooling a few weeks ago. I was wondering if you think sleep away camps and day camps will happen this summer. I'd love to hear parents and camp directors on this topic. I'm so eager to have my kids have a "normal" summer but it's feeling more and more likely that they won't. I'd love advice on this topic.
Thank you,
Laura
Hi Laura, I really don't know what's going to happen this summer with camps. All camps will hopefully have more guidance soon, as the American Camp Association and CDC are coming up with guidelines. In following what other camps are doing, some have already decided not to operate this summer, some are modifying sessions and starting later or with smaller groups, and some are planning to operate their regular sessions. The majority (including mine) are waiting to make decisions until we get more guidance from authorities and see what's happening with the Coronavirus. So much depends on what happens with the pandemic and when states allow larger gatherings. So... I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. If your kids have a camp they attend, you could contact them directly and see what they're planning. A "normal" summer would be so nice right about now! Take Care, Audrey
Show Notes Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy! In this episode, I’m reading one of my most popular blog posts. It’s one that’s really applicable during these times that we often take to just spend some time reconnecting with…
The post [Encore] Ep. 116: Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
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Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!
Each month this year, I've shared a One Simple Thing tip for creating happier, more connected families. For this episode, I share all twelve tips!
12 Tips for Happier, More Connected Families January: Daily Family Sharing February: Calm the Morning Chaos March: Discovering Your "Authentic" Self April: How to get Closer to your Kid in 5 Minutes a Day May: 3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a "WOW" Today: How to Create More Positivity at Home June: Pick a Summer Theme! July: 4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths August: More of, Less of, Same of September: The Magic Relationship Ratio October: Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with Our Families November: 7 Reasons to #optoutside December: 100 Family Memories Related Posts/Podcast Episodes 5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities
Ep. 30: How to Raise a Durable Human with JJ Madden
31 Days of Happiness
Focusing on the Gain not the Gap
Show Notes
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Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!
In episode 108, I'm chatting with Natalie Silverstein about her new book, Simple Acts: The Busy Family's Guide to Giving Back. We talk about the importance of instilling the value of service and acts of kindness. She shares how she created a resource of volunteer opportunities for parents and children in her community and what led to her writing this book for families. It is full of ways to make time in your family's busy life for service and suggestions for making service part of your family's culture.
Big Ideas * Doing service, acts of kindness, helping others is a wonderful way to grow empathy, compassion, and open-mindedness in young children. * Studies show that people who volunteer with their families as children are more likely to do so as an adult. * Studies also show that volunteering makes you happier and healthier. * There are many ways to give back which don't require scheduling, spending a lot of money, or volunteering formally. It can be incorporated into the things families are already doing: playdates, holidays, vacations, etc. * Involve your kids when deciding who to help, how to serve, and which charities to support. You can follow their lead and they will be more invested. * When we make service a priority, we find the time to make it happen. * There are people in need all year long, not just during the holidays. * Social media can be a helpful tool for people to promote positive messages and acts of kindness. It can also be a way to get family and friends involved in service.
Quotes Natalie: "All of these life skills that kids get a camp are values that parents want to demonstrate and model at home."
Natalie: "I do believe that this work begins at home with very young children. Anything we can do to incorporate these acts of kindness into camp life, into extracurricular activities, and most importantly, into our weekends in our free time, is really so important."
Natalie: "It creates a foundation, a moral base for kids, from which they grow."
Natalie: "Everybody has a laundry list of extracurricular activities and tutoring and sports and ballet and instruments and all of these things. We don't necessarily prioritize taking time out to say 'no' to some of those things and 'yes' to service and acts of kindness and volunteering together."
Audrey: "It's a partnership. It starts at home and then you try to find places like schools, religious organizations, and camps, that also support and reinforce those values that you're trying to teach your kids.
Audrey: "We can't do it alone. If we're all trying together to promote these things, it works so much better and our kids turn out a lot better, too."
Audrey: "As individuals, we all have different things that bring us flow. I think just like regular work, our volunteering should also be something that's in our wheelhouse, things we enjoy doing."
Natalie: "We are all moving through our days, interacting with other human beings. Teach your child to make eye contact with the person behind the counter, hold the door, thank the postman. There are things you can be doing at every moment, almost every day."
Natalie: "This is not rocket science. I think the theme of my book is you don't have to change the world to change the world. You don't have to fly to Africa and build a school to make an impact on someone else's life."
Natalie: "Give (your children) the opportunity and don't make it negotiable. Say, 'This is what we do. This is how our family operates. Find the thing that really speaks to you and then let's find a way for you to give back in that realm.' It just builds on itself for kids."
Natalie: "Instead of saying you don't have time for something, change it and say it's not a priority and then see how that feels."
Natalie: "We want to model our values. We want to live our values, perform service and acts of kindness, and just treat people the right way out in the world."
Natalie: "These are all things that people can be doing if they're mindful of it. It needs to be intentional. Just like everything in parenting. We need to be thinking about what it is that we can show our kids every day as we walk through our lives that this is how we care about others because we hope that they care about us in the same way."
Audrey: "If you find something that you really enjoy doing, then you'll keep doing it and it will bring you a lot of joy, too."
Natalie: "You're helping others in the community, doing something substantive. But you're also creating really nice warm family memories and I think those are the things that people remember as adults."
Natalie: "There are so many little things that kids can be doing You just have to keep your mind open to it and your heart open to it."
Natalie: "You don't have to go out and do this huge, enormous, time-consuming, expensive thing. It's just the little things and they're like drops in a bucket. They add up and they fill the cup of your child's emerging character. It makes a difference in who they are."
Natalie: "It's about mindfulness and keeping an open heart and an open mind and really just reminding your children to think outside of themselves."
Natalie: "If we can get young people on social media channels to turn the narrative around such that we are putting up instead of putting down--promote the good and spread the good--that can be very powerful."
Natalie: "If I'm hosting a play date and these kids are already drawing or painting or making cookies, that can have a service or kindness element built into it. Then even better, go for a walk in the community and deliver those cookies to the local firehouse. This is all part of making it social, making it fun, doing it with other people."
Audrey: "It's just so important. We need to counter the negative. Cyberbullying is at an all-time high. If we can just get our kids to flip this and be more focused on what good they can do, then that would make this a kinder world."
Natalie: "All of these life skills we learn are tiny drops in the bucket of a child's developing character. If you're not modeling this behavior, if you are screaming at the person behind the counter or the other driver in the car, the way you show your child how you hold the door, how you greet the postal worker by name, it's really powerful. By showing kids 'how we do it in our house', it sticks. It just sticks."
About Natalie Natalie Silverstein is an author, volunteer and passionate advocate for family service. After a 15-year career in hospital administration, managed care and healthcare consulting, she now works as a freelance writer and editor with a particular focus on the non-profit sector and community service. Her first book, Simple Acts: The Busy Family’s Guide to Giving Back, was published by Gryphon House on April 1, 2019.
In September 2013, Natalie launched the first local affiliate of Doing Good Together (www.doinggoodtogether.org), a Minneapolis-based nonprofit with the mission of helping parents raise kids who care and contribute. As the New York area coordinator, she curates a free monthly e-mail listing of family-friendly service opportunities that are distributed to thousands of subscribers.
Natalie is a frequent writer, speaker, and consultant on the topic of family and youth service, presenting to parents, educators, and children across New York City. She is also a contributor to parenting blogs, GrownandFlown.com, and Mommypoppins.com.
Along with her husband, she is the co-founder of The Silverstein Foundation for Parkinson’s with GBA (www.silversteinfoundation.org), a nonprofit focused on finding a cure for Parkinson’s Disease in GBA mutation carriers, and serves as Executive Director and a member of the Board of Directors.
Natalie earned an undergraduate degree in health policy and administration from Providence College and a master’s degree in public health from Yale University.
Links Doing Good Together
#CampKindnessDay
Simple Acts Facebook Page
Related Posts & Podcasts Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity
Ep. 117: Raising Good Humans
Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?
Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg
Why My Family is Celebrating World Kindness Day
Focusing on Kindness
Show Notes
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This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!
This episode is a live recording of my chat with Sara Kuljis about some of our favorite year-end reflection activities. Joining Sara and me for this episode is Kate Rader, one of the participants from our Raise Thriving Kids Workshop. Kate is a stay-at-home mom to 3 adventure-seeking and fun-loving kiddos, Lauren and Caroline, identical twins who are 13 and Jack, age 10, wife to her college sweetheart Jeff and curious lover of books, podcasts, and conversations about intentional parenting and living.
Here's what Kate had to say about our workshop:
"It was just so wonderful to be in a room with people who care enough to be intentional about the choices they're making for their families and what they want for their families because it's a work in progress--and we're all working together."
Big Ideas In addition to parenting books, podcasts, and coaching, workshops are a great resource for parents. Just as most people need continual training and education in their careers, parents can also take the time to learn and connect with others in order to feel invigorated. It is helpful to share what is working and to discuss best practices for strengthening family bonds. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and modeling a balanced life for our kids.
Today we discuss the ideas I shared in my recent post, 5 Simple Year-End Reflections:
Create a Reverse Bucket List. Look back over your life and make a list of the cool things you've already done.
100 Family Memories Brainstorm and make a list of what happened in your family this year.
Pick a Quote of the Year Find a quote that resonates with you, or something motivational, looking back or looking ahead, a quote you want to live by.
Select One Word that you want to guide you in the new year Be authentic and make it a word that is uniquely yours.
Remember your Favorite Books or resources from the past year Take time to let the new things that you have learned (in books, podcasts, workshops) to percolate and apply the concepts or practices to your life.
Pick one or two of these ideas that resonate with you. You can do an activity on your own or engage the whole family. Make the delivery of the idea fun and light. Allow people to be silly. Getting the family together over the holidays, expressing gratitude, and setting intentions together are my favorite ways to bring in the new year.
Quotes Sara: "Sometimes parenting intentionally feels counter-cultural. When we're swimming upstream, to have fishies to swim with is so confidence building. It's reassuring, it's empowering. I've loved all the parents we have gotten to work with through this project because it has fueled me."
Kate: "The regular accountability is equally as important to me as the one-day workshop. Whether it's via podcasts, recorded conversations, or live conversations, getting together at Starbucks, or whatever it might be, that's really beneficial in maintaining the kind of wonderful feelings that we got coming out of the workshop."
Kate: "If we're going to develop a true family culture, we need to be intentional about spending time together as a family. And that time is harder and harder to come by."
Kate: "Just being together, away, experiencing some new adventures has been a neat way for us to firm up our family culture and values and make memories together. That's been a key take away for me."
Kate: "It's not about those grand gestures. It's about the thoughtful, meaningful moments where people take the time to appreciate their relationships."
Audrey: "Even if you're not a person who gives affirmations, I really don't think there's a person in this world who wouldn't mind getting a nice note saying something that someone likes about them."
Audrey: "Sometimes parents start thinking that their relationship with their child is supposed to be like a normal, reciprocal relationship. Expecting that you pour into this child and they're going to pour back to you, is not how parenting works. However, I'm seeing that once they're adults you may get more of the reciprocity than when they were kids. I get very filled up now by my adult children when they give me affirmations or send me a nice message--it's really great."
Audrey: "You keep encouraging, even if you don't think it means something because I think it really is landing somewhere."
Audrey: "Another activity could be taking a year's worth of fun texts, cards, and nice messages and putting them somewhere like in a scrapbook just as a great boost."
Sara: "I love the idea of sitting down with the whole family and saying, 'let's look way back' because there is a chance that something that I didn't consider very bucket-y might have been really significant to my kids. I think it will remind us that it has been a rich life of experiences."
Audrey: "I would challenge you to focus on yourself for your own reverse bucket list. Sometimes it's good to just think about for your own self-awareness and self-worth and knowing that you're enough just the way you are. I would suggest that the bucket list idea is more of a personal thing because it is recognizing the goals you've already achieved and the cool things that you've done, whereas the 100 Family Memories would be the things you're grateful for."
Audrey: "The goal is to try to remember (as many as) 100 things so you get down to some of the minutiae and those are some of the funny, random, individual things that happened. It's been a really fun practice."
Kate: "I think when you allow each family member to share their treasured memories from the year, it gives us insight into their personalities and their level of value and priorities, as well."
Audrey: "I like spending time at the end of the year, really thinking through what my one word is, thinking about what was good this year and what is it that I want to take into the new year and feel more of, or do more of--I love the process."
Audrey: "Determine the kind of person you want to be in the next year. Identify the characteristics of that best self. When you're being your best self, what does that look like? It has guided me a lot because once I pick a word, I then seek out resources and ideas to help me live that word better."
Kate: "It's a neat way to put the focus on how you're going to spend your time, your energy, your reading, and research--all that good stuff. When it is meaningful, it really does carry you through the year and it gives purpose to how you're spending your time."
Audrey: "It really hit me that my best contribution to my family, to the world, comes when I focus and take the time to do some research, reading, writing, thoughtful time, which is not a normal part of life anymore. You have to actually build in focus."
Audrey: "There are so many new ideas and things you can do, but to really move the needle, all you need to do is just one. I am challenging myself this year to slow down on the consumption of new information and instead get out the books I've read, look at my highlights and just recap."
Related Posts & Podcasts 5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
100 Family Memories
#oneword
My One Word for 2019: Focus
15 Books for a Happier, More Purposeful Life
Stop & Celebrate
Ep. 68 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families
Ep. 105 Live Above the Noise with Rob Reiher
Resources Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist
How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp
Finding Fred Podcast
Show Notes
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This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!
At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge.- The Enneagram Institute Website
In Episode 104, I'm chatting with my daughter Meredith who--like me--enjoys learning more about herself and other people. The tool we discuss most is the Enneagram, which Meredith discovered last year through her employer and introduced to me and the rest of our family.
Big Ideas * It is important for parents, and anyone who works with kids, to be self-aware. * Understanding personality types can help us to create healthier relationships because it affects the way we view the behavior of others, as well as our own reactions in different situations. * Empathy increases when we are more aware of other people's tendencies. * Each relationship is unique based on personality types. It is the parent's responsibility to adjust and to figure out where the child is coming from. * Noone can be defined by one personality test or type but learning about the different characteristics and identifying with types can be extremely informative. * We can't accurately assess other people's types just by observing their behavior. Personality test results are personal and best used for self-reflection. * Being self-aware helps us identify our weaknesses and strengths in relation to achieving our goals and in our relationships with others.
The Nine Enneagram Types in their Family Roles
Ones: family perfectionists
Twos: family helpers
Threes: family stars
Fours: Shed light on family problems
Fives: family experts
Sixes: move between building family unity and rebelling against the family unit
Sevens: family cheerleaders
Eights: family protectors
Nines: family peacemakers
Quotes Audrey: "The theme of this podcast is about the importance for parents and anyone who works with kids to know themselves because your own self-awareness has a huge impact on how you view the behavior of others."
Audrey: " You can have more compassion when you understand where other people come from and it changes your view of why they do something that may annoy you or that kind of thing."
Audrey: "As parents, we are different with each of our kids because our kids each have different personalities. It's our responsibility to adjust and not our kids."
Meredith: "I do think that the Enneagram, and with most personality quizzes once you find out what you are, you sometimes don't want to be that. I think its easier to focus on the downsides of that personality type and look at the good sides of other personality types."
Audrey: "Remember, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.'"
Audrey: "The more I've read about my type, the more it has freed me from some of my frustrations with myself. It has given me a better understanding of why I've done some of the things I've done and why I am the way I am. It actually makes me feel a little better."
Audrey: "I like the whole idea that there are some things that just make me kind of unique and just because I don't do something the same way or view things the same way, it's still okay."
Audrey: "I just think that self-awareness is a really important part of social intelligence and a lot of us don't have it. I really don't think I did until a few years ago when I started doing more strengths testing, this Enneagram, and the four tendencies. It's like all this stuff kind of comes together like a puzzle of self-awareness."
Meredith: "It's a tool for yourself and maybe for your close family members and friends so that they can understand you better. It's not something that you go around asking people, 'What's your Enneagram number?' because sharing your numbers, sharing how you think, your weaknesses, the different lies you believe about your self, is actually quite personal."
Audrey: "You really have to read the book to understand for sure the one (type) you are because oftentimes depending on how healthy you are and what you're doing, you may look like a different number."
Audrey: "You really can't tell about someone else because you don't know what's going on inside of them."
Meredith: "Being aware of Enneagram numbers has helped me to empathize with the way other people were thinking and for them to understand me, as well. It has made me more aware of myself and for example, how I can come off to others, even when I don't think I'm coming off as critical."
Meredith: "It is helpful to be aware of the way my brain is wired, that I need to actively work to give myself grace, to be aware of my thought patterns so that I can see when I'm starting to be in a state of stress or a state of health because I'm taking on those qualities."
Audrey: "For me, I'm prone to not rest in my emotions long or deep enough and that came out in the last few years with problems in my body. Like in my shoulder, my knee, I would always have some huge pain and it was because I had internal pain that I wasn't dealing with."
Meredith: "Read an introductory level book. It's most helpful to read the descriptions in-depth and identify with one. I think that's more helpful than just taking a quiz and having it spit out an answer for you."
Meredith: "You move around on the Enneagram a lot, sometimes to lots of different ones depending on if you're in a state of stress or security. So it's not like your number is locked in. You move around to your wings and then to other numbers too. It's normal to identify with lots of different qualities, but I think it's when you really identify with one number, you found the right one."
Audrey: "It's fun to take them because any little insight that you gain is just more self-awareness."
Meredith: "You have to give yourself grace because it's not like you can know what Enneagram or personality types all your kids or family members have, especially when kids are changing and forming in different ways. I think it's good just to be aware, but don't be too hard on your self."
Audrey: "There can be certain personalities that may bring out your not-great parts, like when your kid has a personality that's so different from yours or one that clashes with yours. That can be really hard as a parent."
Audrey: "A lot of parents have pain when they don't feel their relationship is really strong with one of their kids. But there is always reparation, especially if you take the time to learn a little bit more about each other and figure it out."
Books We Discussed
Different Personality, Strengths, and Tendencies Assessments The Enneagram is one of many different assessments that can give you more self-awareness. Here are some other popular options:
Myers-Briggs
Read more about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies or take her quiz to find out yours!
Related Posts & Podcast Episodes Ep. 28: Focusing on our Kids' Strengths
4 Ways to Focus on our Kids' Strengths
Celebrating Strengths
Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind
Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive during their School Years and Beyond
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
#oneword
My One Word for 2019: Focus
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“It is remarkable to witness what happens when kids think and talk about a strength, often for the first time identifying it in themselves, and then learn how they can use that strength in different settings. When given a name to a part of themselves they recognize and intuitively know, kids gain a vocabulary to talk about themselves more positively.”
#happycampersbook
Show Notes
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This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes. Enjoy!
You don’t have to adopt or foster a kid to help kids in the system. There is so much need. You can volunteer. Especially for older kids, you can provide scholarships or skills training… Don’t forget these children in your communities. Just think about some way you or your family can contribute. It can even be as simple as taking a meal to a foster family.
Audrey Monke
In Episode 61, for November’s National Adoption Month, I’m chatting with Anne Driscoll, owner of Branches Books & Gifts in Oakhurst, California. We talk about our families’ experiences with adoption and share advice for prospective adoptive parents.
Big Ideas * We compare and contrast international adoption and domestic foster care adoption. Which route to take depends on many factors, including the family's preferences, composition, and timing. * Many view the adoption process as a path to parenthood. For others, it is a way to offer assistance to children in need. For all adoptive parents, it’s an emotional road and involves a lot of preparation, vetting, and waiting. * Advice for prospective adoptive parents: + Be honest about what you can handle. + Identify what strengths you have to pair with child’s needs. + Be gentle with yourself. + Expect many highs and lows.
- Volunteer Opportunities:
- Independent Living Programs (ILP) for foster kids as they age out of the system
- Teaching skills (cooking, financial management, hobbies, auto care, etc.)
- Become a CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocates
There are many ways to help!
Quotes Anne: "It’s a huge decision, not to be taken lightly because no matter what the scenario, there is still a sense of loss because they are not with their biological parents. There is a visceral emotion tied to it which you have to be aware of."
Anne: “When you see (your child) succeeding and feeling good about themselves and hopefully starting to heal, it is the most rewarding thing ever."
Audrey: “It has been one of my life’s greatest joys and also one of my biggest challenges.”
Audrey and Anne: “We both love our kids dearly and they are such incredible human beings – so resilient, amazing and strong. They are going to do great things. It has been a privilege to have them in our families.”
Audrey: “The more years in, the better things get!”
Links National Adoption Month. 2018 theme is: "In Their Own Words: Lifting Up Youth Voices."
Today’s Hoda Kotb Opens Up about her adoption
20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis (recommended for all parents)
The Whole-Brain Child and The Yes Brain by Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel
CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocates
Related Posts & Podcast Episodes Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 95: Raising a “Yes Brain” Child with Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 123: Connection Comes First
Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19
If you liked this episode, you might want to listen to Episode 31, where I interview Tosha Schore, co-author of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges.
Listen to Episode 55, my podcast on Raising Kids who Love to Read with Anne Driscoll.
Read my blog post, Learning to Breathe.
Adoption Resources AdoptUSKids
Adoption resources at childwelfare.gov
Heartbeat International
About National Adoption Month
Show Hope
SHOW NOTES
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Kindness is a character trait we value highly in our friends, family members, and co-workers, and yet our kids may not know how much we want them to be kind, considerate, contributing members of their community. For World Kindness Day (November 13 - the day this episode is being released), I'm doing a deep dive into simple ideas for raising kinder kids and creating a kinder world. Let's focus on kindness, not just today but every day.
BIG IDEAS * 80% of the youth surveyed agreed with the statement, “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes then if I'm a caring community member in class and school." * We need to focus on raising kinder humans. * Giving a compliment is a really simple way to spread kindness and also to show our kids a really, really important social skill. * "Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree." * It is really important that we have a growth mindset about the character trait of kindness and realize that it is a trait that we can cultivate in ourselves and in our children. * Something that we can control is ourselves and how we interact with and show kindness to other people.
LINKS & RESOURCES Random Acts of Kindness - World Kindness Day
QUOTES * "Take a few minutes to write uplifting, positive encouraging messages in a sticky note pad, then start leaving those messages around, whether it's in your own house, at a neighbor's house, on people's mailboxes, on windshields. You can leave these uplifting positive messages around as a simple and fun act of kindness." * "Camp Secret #8 in my book, Happy Campers is, Make it Cool to be Kind. In the chapter, I talk about the importance of us focusing, in our families, in our schools, in our camps, everywhere, on creating a culture where kindness is embraced and encouraged." * "Set an alarm to go off three times, when the alarm sounds stop what you're doing and call, text, or email someone simply to tell them how awesome they are." * "Compliment the first three people you talk to." * "Another act of Kindness that is something that kids can do is to write a handwritten note to their teacher." * "Just saying good morning to the people in your family or the people at work when you're in a meeting is so important." * "A really good way to do a family activity of kindness is to pick up some trash. Even if you just spend 10 minutes picking up some trash around your neighborhood." * "Leave encouraging notes around." * "Spend 24 hours or dedicate 24 hours to spreading positivity on social media." * "Giving an extra generous tip to a service worker is another way to do an act of kindness." * "Send flowers to a friend and I would just expand this that you can also just send a note to a friend." * "Really anything that you send or give that just shows someone that you're thinking about them is such an act of kindness and really can brighten their day and yours." * "Get your kids to focus a little bit more on kindnesses that they have seen others do by asking them to point out kind acts that they have witnessed or done themselves." * "It's also a great idea to talk with your kids about how they feel after someone has done something kind for them or after they've done something kind for another person." * "How do you want to be remembered by your classmates and friends?"
ONE SIMPLE THING From pages 189-190 in Happy Campers (Camp Secret #8: Make it Cool to be Kind):
RELATED POSTS & EPISODES Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg
Ep. 138: Unselfie with Dr. Michele Borba
Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude
How to Respond to Bad Behavior
30 Days of Kindness
Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?
Ep. 46: #CampKindnessDay with Tom Rosenberg
Why my Family is Celebrating World Kindness Day
Focusing on Kindness
SHOW NOTES
Raise Thriving Kids
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In Episode 164, I’m chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talk about family gratitude practices and lessons from camp for having more grateful families. At Thanksgiving, it's easy to remember to be grateful, but the habit of gratitude -- practiced at camp, at home, and in the world -- helps us to be happier all year long.
BIG IDEAS * Gratitude is a muscle. We can build it with practice. * Research has shown that those who express gratitude daily have a more optimistic view of life and a healthier well-being. * Developing relationships with the people around us makes it easier to share authentic gratitude. * Model respect by thanking others, especially those who serve us. + Use their first names when possible. + Make eye contact
Ways to show gratitude at camp or at home * Flower Sunday -- the practice of handing a daisy while sharing an affirmation or gratitude with another person. You give your flower away and receive a flower from someone who acknowledges an action or quality they appreciate. Using a token such as a flower makes a difference. * WOW Bulletin Board -- staff and campers send and receive notes to build each other up and express thanks. * Thankful Thursday -- a note, text message or phone call to someone expressing thanks can become a helpful habit. * 3 Good Things -- share three good things that happened at the end of each day. + Commit to sharing them with friend or family member via text. It helps with accountability and makes it easier to remember. + Go around the dinner table and share with your family or friends. + Write them down in a journal before bed, or share three things you are thankful for first thing in the morning. + This habit can not only strengthen your gratitude muscle but also deepen your relationships and improve your outlook on life. * Gratitude Jar -- keep slips of paper for family write down things they are grateful for and collect the scraps in a jar. + Share the memories collected over the year at New Year's Eve or at Thanksgiving or anytime. + Attach the messages to a bulletin board or even to the Christmas Tree! * Warm Fuzzies -- Take a sheet of paper for each person, write their name on it and pass it around. Have everyone write down what they appreciate about that person. + Be specific. It is nice to recognize precise actions or character strengths we appreciate in others. * Go around the table at mealtime and share 3 good things, something you are grateful for (besides friends and family) or something you are grateful for about yourself
- Ask children to think of ways they would like to show gratitude for others. Children have really good ideas themselves.
QUOTES Audrey: "We cannot raise grateful kids if we are not promoting our own gratitude."
Audrey: "It's important to remember that it's not just about completing a task, like sending a text or writing in your journal. It's about taking the moment to feel thankful. We need to take the task out of it and feel the gratitude."
Sara: "At the end of the day being grateful makes me kinder and softer to those around me."
Sara: "There's a lot of not-feeling-good-enough in the world. I enjoy helping people identify their natural talents and the natural goodness that is built in them and being intentional about building those into strengths for making a positive impact in the world."
More Gratitude Resources and Ideas My Pinterest "Gratitude Board"
5 Ways to Avert Thanksgiving Disappointment
Raising Grateful, Not Entitled Kids
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family
Gratitude Revisited
Feeling Thankful
3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a WOW Today
Grateful Campers are Happy Campers
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
Teaching Kids Gratitude Rather than Entitlement: Berkeley News/Christine Carter
Giving Thanks can Make you Happy, Harvard Health
The Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting, Happier Human.com
7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, Forbes
30 Days of Gratitude, Writeshop.com
Kind over Matter
Why Gratitude is Important
One Simple Thing TAKE A THANK YOU WALK (Jon Gordon)
"It’s simple. It’s powerful and it’s a great way to start feeding the positive dog. How does it work? You simply take a walk... outside, in a mall, at your office, on a treadmill, etc and while walking you think about all the things, big and small, that you are grateful for. The research shows you can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time so when you combine gratitude with physical exercise, you give yourself a double boost of positive energy. You flood your brain and body with positive emotions and natural anti-depressants that uplift you rather than the stress hormones that drain and slowly kill you."
-Jon Gordon
My Favorite One recent December, at age 53, John Kralik found his life at a terrible, frightening low: his small law firm was failing; he was struggling through a painful second divorce; he had grown distant from his two older children and was afraid he might lose contact with his young daughter; he was living in a tiny apartment where he froze in the winter and baked in the summer; he was 40 pounds overweight; his girlfriend had just broken up with him; and overall, his dearest life dreams--including hopes of upholding idealistic legal principles and of becoming a judge--seemed to have slipped beyond his reach.
Then, during a desperate walk in the hills on New Year's Day, John was struck by the belief that his life might become at least tolerable if, instead of focusing on what he didn't have, he could find some way to be grateful for what he had.
Inspired by a beautiful, simple note his ex-girlfriend had sent to thank him for his Christmas gift, John imagined that he might find a way to feel grateful by writing thank-you notes. To keep himself going, he set himself a goal--come what may--of writing 365 thank-you notes in the coming year.
One by one, day after day, he began to handwrite thank yous--for gifts or kindnesses he'd received from loved ones and coworkers, from past business associates and current foes, from college friends and doctors and store clerks and handymen and neighbors, and anyone, really, absolutely anyone, who'd done him a good turn, however large or small. Immediately after he'd sent his very first notes, significant and surprising benefits began to come John's way--from financial gain to true friendship, from weight loss to inner peace. While John wrote his notes, the economy collapsed, the bank across the street from his office failed, but thank-you note by thank-you note, John's whole life turned around.
365 Thank Yous is a rare memoir: its touching, immediately accessible message--and benefits--come to readers from the plainspoken storytelling of an ordinary man. Kralik sets a believable, doable example of how to live a miraculously good life. To read 365 Thank Yous is to be changed.
Like listening to Audrey and Sara? Here are more of our episodes: Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude
Ep.115: Giving Kids Meaningful Compliments
Ep. 132: Creating Structure, Fun, & Connection
Ep. 160: Cranky Young Adults Stuck in the COVID Vortex
Ep. 153: Rethinking School & Education During the Pandemic
Ep. 152: Putting on Your COVID Mask First
Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings
Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With
Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space
Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids
SHOW NOTES
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Wondering what to do about your personal - and our world's - current struggles? Niki Spears has practical strategies for finding the opportunities within our struggles.
Niki is a former school principal who now works as an educator and change leader. She shares her passion and enthusiasm for creating positive school culture based on shared leadership. Niki is leading the charge to develop positive schools by sharing the importance of embracing a leadership mindset.
Niki Spears is the co-founder of the Energy Bus for Schools Leadership Journey. She started this organization to bring the positive messages of Jon Gordon’s book, The Energy Bus, to schools everywhere. Niki has spent over 15 years working in education. Once an elementary school principal, she now works full time as a teacher educator and change leader.
The Beauty Underneath the Struggle: Creating Your Bus Story Book Description Life if full of struggles and challenges. Are you ready to use these moments as opportunities to grow? Join Niki and learn how to find the beauty hidden beneath. Often the darkest moments in life are the ones that motivate us to move out of victimhood and walk into our purpose.
Beneath the personal struggle lies a chance to discover meaning and bliss. It’s a matter of knowing how to transform challenges into impassioned change.
On this journey to self-enlightenment, motivational speaker and author Niki Spears shares strategies to help you embrace struggles and recognize them as opportunities for self-discovery. Personal stories and testimonials from people like you, will motivate and inspire you to see struggles in a new way.
The workbook feature will help you apply these techniques to your life right away, and by using the step-by-step guide, you can capture your own unique BUS story as you find the Beauty Underneath the Struggle.
Struggles and challenges don’t have to be negative components of life. Join Niki on this journey to help you write the next chapter as you transform the meaning of struggle to create your masterpiece.
BIG IDEAS • We can view our struggles and challenges as opportunities to move into our purpose.
• We each have a different lens through which we view our life stories, and changing the lens can change our life outcomes for the better.
• Challenges and setbacks may be caused by other people or events in our past, but we can choose to stop spending our timing blaming and take responsibility for creating our positive future.
• In the most challenging of circumstances (like this pandemic), we can improve our own lives by helping others.
LINKS & RESOURCES • Connect with Niki and find out more about her work at nikispears.com.
• The Map of Consciousness Explained by Dr. David R. Hawkins
• The Success Principles by Jack Canfield
QUOTES Niki: "What I explore in the book is talking about our perceptions, and rewriting some of those negative perceptions, our stories that we tell ourselves."
Niki: "When I was a little girl, I grew up in a family where I didn't always feel valued and appreciated. And that story I was telling myself was really controlling everything that was happening to me in my adult life. I was blaming my parents. I was blaming my upbringing, and it was keeping me stuck."
Niki: It's like I woke up and I said, 'You are going to have to start owning everything in your life.' If you continue to blame, you're giving the situation, you're giving the person, power over your happiness and your ability to create the life that you want. Once I started to take personal responsibility, everything around me started to change."
Niki: "I want to teach people how empowering it is just to own your life experiences and embrace the struggle."
Niki: "You create your world. So that could be a positive world based on your perceptions of what's going on, or it could be a negative experience."
Audrey: "It's a really challenging time. And a lot of people are feeling very negative about their lives, about our country, about everything."
Niki: "I want you to look at struggle in a new way, as an opportunity that's going to propel you to move into purpose. Because struggle is not a negative term at all. If we look at struggle, and we break it down, struggle is a verb that says that we're still moving in the face of adversity."
Niki: "We have to look at things that are happening around us as an opportunity for us to showcase our best selves."
Niki: "In these moments of challenges, there are great opportunities for us to show up and to show out. And so that's what I want to encourage everybody to do. Instead of looking through a negative lens, look and see, where can you help?"
Niki: "We cannot compare ourselves to someone else. Our journey is totally our journey."
Niki: "And so it's not necessarily always something that you do, but just to contribute a positive self, to smile, to say hello, to write a nice letter to someone, those are, those may be small things, but they serve in a big way. So even recognizing the people who are doing the big things and just being their cheerleader could be part of what you do in your story."
Niki: "I think you need to look at what are some things in your life that you're unhappy with right now, think about those. Be honest with yourself, be willing to go there with yourself, be vulnerable. What are those things in your life that don't bring you the love, peace and joy that you want? Then ask yourself, who's responsible. And if you're holding someone else responsible, or you're holding some event responsible, I want you to cross it out and put "me." You put yourself there and you have to practice that."
Niki: "You've taken ownership. You're no longer blaming your parents, blaming your bosses, your friends, or COVID. But now you understand that even though these things may not be your fault, it is your responsibility to do something about it."
Audrey: "Even in families, it's like, you know, the conflicts are happening and people have misunderstandings over sometimes silly things because we're spending so much time together. So it's just being able to, again, just take that pencil and just say, wait, I can still be calm. I can still be loving. And I don't have to like take in something that someone saying perhaps out of anger or whatever it might be."
Niki: "And I think that in this moment now that we're so divided, that it gives us the opportunity to kind of test ourselves in that area where we can listen to different points of views without feeling angry, and all these other emotions that can come into it, but just listen, and let it flow through, but don't let it impact, you know, your mood and how you feel and, and those kinds of things."
Audrey: "I really hope other people will pick up your book or hear your words and really find the beauty underneath their struggles. Because as you've inspired us, there is always something to be learned or to be gained, to come out the other side stronger, more resilient, even with the worst of stuff."
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE... Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity
Ep. 108: Simple Acts of Giving Back with Natalie Silverstein
9 Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
The Power of Compliments
ONE SIMPLE THING Pick a 30-Day Challenge to do for the next 30 days (or a designated month)
Pick something that, if you do for 30 days consistently, will improve your well-being or move you closer (small step by small step) to a goal you have. It can be anything! Ideas include something creative, intellectual, relational, spiritual, or health-related.
Some tips:
Be realistic - make sure it won't take you more than 5-10 minutes max to do or it's likely that you won't get it done (especially as you're building the habit).
Pick something enjoyable, that you've been wanting to do but just haven't fit in to your daily routine yet.
Here are some ideas:
- Read for a certain amount of time or a certain number of pages, every day for 30 days.
- Call or text a friend every day for 30 days.
- Walk a minimum number of steps every day for 30 days (use a fitness app to keep track).
- Drink a minimum amount of water every day for 30 days.
- Practice some kind of mindfulness for 5 minutes every day - can be staring out a window, meditating, listening to music, or using a meditation app (like Calm or Headspace).
- Work on a creative project for 10 minutes every day - drawing, sewing, woodwork, painting, needle work, baking, etc.
- Write down 3 things you're grateful for every day.
- Use cash only for 30 days.
- Do one Random Act of Kindness per day for 30 daysSome popular, challenging 30-Day Challenges:
NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writers Month
Whole 30
MY FAVORITE The Pomodoro Technique
The Pomodoro Technique helps you resist all of those self-interruptions and re-train your brains to focus. Each pomodoro is dedicated to one task and each break is a chance to reset and bring your attention back to what you should be working on.
The core process of the Pomodoro Technique consists of 6 steps: 1. Choose a task you'd like to get done. 2. Set the Pomodoro (timer) for 25 minutes. 3. Work on the task until the Pomodoro rings. 4. When the Pomodoro rings, put a checkmark on a paper. 5. Take a short break. 6. Every 4 pomodoros, take a longer break.
SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING THANKS FOR LISTENING! If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!
Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
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Here's to raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults AND modeling for our kids what thriving adulthood looks like!
SHOW NOTES
Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for special perks, including bonus podcast episodes, exclusive posts, and resources! This month's Patreon resource: 31 Simple Things: 31 of my favorite tips for happier, more connected families.
Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
Frustrated with your kids' (or your partner's) behavior? Dr. Catherine Pearlman discovered, over her many years of coaching parents, that often the best way to curb an undesired behavior is to give it less attention. In this episode, I talk with Catherine, who is the founder of The Family Coach and author of Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction, about the helpful strategies Catherine has shared with countless parents in her columns, speaking, and coaching practice.
In Ignore It, Pearlman outlines the occasions when ignoring behavior is appropriate, how to reengage when the behavior stops, and how to praise and reinforce desired behaviors. I was, of course, happy to hear that Pearlman also has vast summer camp experience as a camper, counselor, and director!
IGNORE IT! Book Description This book teaches frustrated, stressed-out parents that selectively ignoring certain behaviors can actually inspire positive changes in their kids.
With all the whining, complaining, begging, and negotiating, parenting can seem more like a chore than a pleasure. Dr. Catherine Pearlman, syndicated columnist and one of America’s leading parenting experts, has a simple yet revolutionary solution: Ignore It!
Dr. Pearlman’s four-step process returns the joy to child rearing. Combining highly effective strategies with time-tested approaches, she teaches parents when to selectively look the other way to withdraw reinforcement for undesirable behaviors. Too often we find ourselves bargaining, debating, arguing and pleading with kids. Instead of improved behavior parents are ensuring that the behavior will not only continue but often get worse. When children receive no attention or reward for misbehavior, they realize their ways of acting are ineffective and cease doing it. Using proven strategies supported by research, this book shows parents how to:
– Avoid engaging in a power struggle
– Stop using attention as a reward for misbehavior
– Use effective behavior modification techniques to diminish and often eliminate problem behaviors
As Pearlman says, the book is for parents of kids from 2-21, but the techniques might also be useful in other settings, including with adults who have difficult behaviors!
BIG IDEAS • Pay more attention to what our kids are doing right than what they're doing wrong.
• Know when to ask for help is a parenting strength.
• Ignore bad behavior to make your parenting more enjoyable.
• Ignore (and don't comment on) certain behaviors to improve the parent-child relationship, especially with teens.
• Sleep is crucial for our kids (and for us) and impacts mood and behavior.
LINKS & RESOURCES • Where to connect with Catherine and find out more about her work:
The Family Coach Website
Facebook
Instagram
• Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.
QUOTES • Audrey: "I didn't think it would be as applicable in my own life. Since my youngest kids are now 13 and 16, but I found it really applicable."
• Catherine: "It's not how it looks on Facebook. Everybody really is going through something. They just don't talk about it, but I see it. So I know that everybody's going through stuff."
• Catherine: "When our kids start whining or complaining or arguing with us after we've already said no, and we've explained why, then we ignore their behavior and as soon as they stop, we reengage with them. It's very simple."
• Audrey: "Once you know what you do want them to be doing, you can reinforce that and really get it to happen more often."
• Catherine: "I think it's nice in my adult life when I do something nice for someone and they say, 'thank you.' It's nice when I do a great job at work and my boss says, "Wow, you did a really great job." All of those things help motivate me to continue to do a good job so if we're realistic, we all need that."
• Catherine: "What happens is when parents aren't on the same page, kids use it to their advantage always. They know exactly how to work the system, how to get mom and dad against each other and to basically get what they want or to get forgotten about while mom and dad are arguing over the little thing."
• Catherine: "Kids are really chronically overtired and that can account for a lot of mood issues. It can account for academic performance, depression, lots of issues for kids, just not getting an extra hour or two of sleep."
• Catherine: "There's nothing my kid can say that will let me have them keep their devices in their room because I know exactly what's happening on them and nothing good is happening at 3:00 AM on their phones."
• Catherine: “I live for camp. I was a camper. I was a counselor. I was a camp social worker and a Camp Director. I love camp. I send my kids to camp. I'm a big believer in the wide variety of benefits for camp.”
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE... Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson
Catch Them Doing the Right Thing
Focus on the "Do"s
ONE SIMPLE THING "Try to live every day as if it was the final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."
-Tim (main character in About Time)
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices
MY FAVORITE How much sleep do we really need? sleepfoundation.org
SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING THANKS FOR LISTENING! If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!
Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
Would you like access to bonus podcast episodes & resources? Join my squad on Patreon!
Audrey
Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!
Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
This week on the podcast, hear directly from my kids about their thoughts about my parenting. My guests are my oldest and youngest kids, Gretchen (age 26) and Owen (age 17). They happen to be the only two of our kids at home with us during quarantine. We talk about life at home together during COVID, how my parenting has changed over the years, and their thoughts on rules, fairness, screen time, early bed times, siblings getting along, independence, and much more.
BIG IDEAS • Parenting can get more "relaxed" over the years so that sometimes kids in different birth order positions have some different experiences.
• Understanding different family member's personalities can help you better understand areas where there are repeated arguments and learn how to better respond to each other.
• The oldest child often feels the burden of doing everything first and not having anyone to "follow."
• Sleep is so important!
• Seek support and advice from parents with kids your oldest child's age so that you can better understand and relate to what they're going through.
Photo Gallery LINKS & RESOURCES • Ep. 135: Advice & Ideas from Teachers During COVID-19
• Ep. 82: Sibling Conflict, Part 1
• Ep. 86: Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!)
• Ep. 104: Know and Love Yourself AND Your Kids with Meredith Monke
• Ep. 34: Advice on College, Transferring, and How to Support Your Kids with Their Decisions with Charlotte Monke
• Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns
• Raise Thriving Kids
QUOTES • Audrey: "I actually went to boarding school for high school and I really credit that experience with why I even ended up wanting to run a camp."
• Gretchen: "I remember when I was 13, almost every PG 13 movie I watched was researched beforehand if I was going to go to the movies with friends, I felt like there was more investment in what I was going to see."
• Gretchen: "Even when I did have a phone, I remember truly keeping it off all day at school, all through high school and middle school, unless I needed to contact anyone. But because it wasn't a smartphone, it was purely for communication."
• Owen: "I remember the big thing was probably limiting screen time on the computer. When I would come home from school, it would just turn off after 30 minutes."
• Owen: "Video games, I think for a while I had my video games screened before I could buy them."
• Audrey: "One of the things all parents really want is for their kids is to at least eventually get along."
• Gretchen: "Historically, it's like a ton of teasing, which fortunately I've turned out fine."
• Owen: "There's a lot of advantages. I think there's, what I just feel like, there are a lot less rules."
• Audrey: "Do you think there might be a correlation between being more responsible and mature and independent because you had these older siblings?"
• Gretchen: "I feel like because you're just dragged around in the car so much. I feel like you do need to be a more flexible person when you're younger."
• Audrey: "Well, you guys both know how important sleep is, right? If there's anything I've taught you in life, don't you feel better with a good night's sleep?"
• Gretchen: "The positives would for sure be reading every night and consistent family dinners, at least for some days of the week, depending on what works for people."
• Gretchen: "And for sure bedtimes too, at least when people are younger, I can't think of a major parenting fail."
• Audrey: "It tends to be a firstborn thing, I think, although not, I'm sure it's not always, but really trying to set a really high standard."
• Owen: "We stay connected. It's just I'd rather be at school."
• Gretchen: "It's been awesome. I think as someone who lived very independently for seven or eight years, I was very surprised by how much I love being home. And I love having this time with my parents and my brother. It's just such a unique opportunity that oftentimes you don't get in the middle of your twenties, to have family time again. So I'm definitely appreciating it and not planning on leaving anytime soon."
• Audrey: "Selfishly, I'm really enjoying it too, but mostly I feel bad for Owen because I know it's not as enjoyable for him."
• Owen: "It's not terrible."
• Audrey: "'It's not terrible.' By the way, that's like the highest form of a compliment from a 17-year-old."
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE... Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course
Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns
Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids
Who's Not Ready for College?
ONE SIMPLE THING This week's One Simple Thing tip is to set short term, one-week goals rather than lofty, year-long ones.
MY FAVORITE Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live, Too, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING THANKS FOR LISTENING! If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas we talked about, please share!
Would you consider leaving a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes? Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
Would you like access to bonus podcast episodes & resources? Join my squad on Patreon!
Audrey
Check out Sara & Audrey's Raise Thriving Kids Course!
Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!
Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
This week on the podcast, Sara Kuljis and I talk about the challenges of having young adults (high school and college age) stuck at home during a season of their lives when they are most wanting to separate from us and be with their peers. In this episode, we talk about how to better understand and cope with our young adult children's behavior, especially during COVID.
ABOUT SARA KULJIS Sara is a good friend, fellow camp professional, and a regular podcast guest on Sunshine Parenting. Sara is the mother of three young adults (two college students and one high schooler) and a Gallup Strengths Coach. She is the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara offers popular parenting workshops in Southern California, including one we do together (Raise Thriving Kids).
BIG IDEAS • COVID has in many ways, robbed young adults of the opportunity to really lean into where they naturally are in their developmental stages.
• Parents can help honor losses. I think it's important to name, What makes me sad? What makes me frustrated? Why do I feel angry? And not all young people know how to identify where those feelings are coming from.
• Feeling the loss with them, holding it with them or telling them that it's okay to feel yucky about those things. I think that's a really important role that a parent can play, hold losses without judgment. I think it's also important that we need to acknowledge our own losses,
• This COVID season might be a season for some of us to be thoughtful and to kind of step back and look under the waters, even reach out for some professional help if necessary.
• We as parents, for some of us, we may need to let go of some of the smaller battles or the smaller concerns. It's not about the GPA perhaps this semester or this year. It might be more important to focus on a healthy relationship and how to manage stress and how to be supportive.
LINKS & RESOURCES • Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns
• Jim Burns "Doing life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out"
• Raise Thriving Kids
QUOTES • Sarah: "You know, for some young adults, older teens, and college students, COVID has ended up being kind of a gift for them."
• Audrey: "Knowing that this is not something that as an adult, we can say, ‘Oh well, I didn't get to go on this vacation this year, but we can go in a couple of years so we can get it back.’ For these kids and that age, they won't get it back. So that's sad. That's a real loss that is hard to even fathom because we didn't go through this at their age."
• Audrey: "I think that's one thing that we need to remember through all this, even though their behavior and their response might irritate us, I think really digging deep to that empathy of realizing how different it is for them going through this then it is for us as adults."
• Sarah: "I really felt compelled to kind of remind myself of the developmental stages that these young adults are in and go back to the root. Why and how is this young adult needing to behave this way? Where's this coming from? And it's great to realize and to remember that the developmental stages that these young adults are in are times where they are searching and ready and wired for autonomy and self-reliance and some new independence."
• Audrey: "I've talked about this a lot with parents is that you have these children and you nurture them and you raise them and really your goal is to make yourself not necessary. Which is a weird job. Have a job where the end goal is to not be needed anymore."
• Audrey: "We need to recognize that we have some ambivalence about our kids growing up and becoming their own people."
• Audrey: "I think that's on both sides, we have to really do some adjusting and thinking about how this is impacting us and our families."
• Sarah: "As best as we can remember not to take their crankiness, their uncooperativeness, their irritability, maybe their silence, or their anger personally."
• Audrey: "It's really the same kind of communication stuff that we need to be doing all the time with our kids regardless of their age. That whole validating things, sometimes parents get it wrong. Where if our child is sad about something, even if it seems unimportant to us, we need to validate the feeling and not undermine what they're going through."
• Audrey: "If we want our kids to keep talking to us about things we can't diminish what's important to them, which is maybe different than what's important to us."
• Audrey: "That's what I think a lot of times we do that as people, whether it's with our children or another relationships, we react to what was said or the eye roll or whatever it is. And then we've missed that opportunity to connect over something much more important."
• Sarah: "As parents, we start as caregivers and then they get a little older and then where their coach and then we move into that consultant stage."
• Sarah: " To sum up everything, this is messy. But with thoughtfulness and with a real partnership with our young adults, I think we can be okay."
• Audrey: "Many adults are going through hard things right now. So I think we can also model for our kids in terms of if we need some counseling or some support to show them that it's okay to do that. And that lots of people are doing it right now."
• Audrey: "So I just want to encourage people that everyone's going through a hard time. And even if people are posting happy photos, there's some strife going on inside homes everywhere right now. And we need to just realize that that's human nature when you're stuck together for a long time. And especially when kids who are meant to be out and about and spreading their wings have had their wings clipped."
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE... Raise Thriving Kids Parenting Course
Ep. 152: Putting on Your COVID Mask First
Ep. 153: Rethinking School & Education During the Pandemic
Ep. 132: Creating Structure, Fun, & Connection
Ep. 139: Doing Life with Your Adult Children with Jim Burns
Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids
Who's Not Ready for College?
ONE SIMPLE THING This week's One Simple Thing tip is to start (or continue) a Daily Family Sharing practice. You can read about it more in this post:
How to Have a Closer Family in 5 Minutes a Day
MY FAVORITE A Year of Positive Thinking for Teens, Katie Hurley, LCSW
Description of A YEAR OF POSITIVE THINKING
Transform your thoughts and find the confidence to navigate your teen years with positive thinking
Being a teen can be an emotional roller coaster. When you’re overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations from your friends, family, social media feed, teachers, and even yourself, it’s normal to have thoughts and feelings like This is too hard or I'll never measure up. With A Year of Positive Thinking for Teens, you'll discover how to overcome these anxious thought patterns, and build a happier, more positive mindset to achieve your goals.
Let go of stress with relatable prompts and reflections―all grounded in positive thinking and positive psychology strategies. Find a daily dose of motivation through insightful quotes and affirmations designed to encourage you to embrace happiness one day, one thought, and one year at a time.
This guide to positive thinking includes:
- Pockets of joy―Practice positive thinking in the moment with this beautiful, easy-to-navigate, and portable book.
- Achieve your dreams―Insightful quotes and affirmations will help you remember your strengths, stay motivated, and reach your goals.
- Teens like you―From self-esteem issues to social media stress, you'll discover prompts to help you through a wide range of issues teens face every day.
Find confidence, courage, and clarity on the road to adulthood with positive thinking.
SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING THANKS FOR LISTENING! If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas, please share!
Leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes! Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
Would you like access to bonus posts, resources and podcast episodes? Join my squad on Patreon!
Audrey
SHOW NOTES
Join the Sunshine Parenting PATREON squad for bonus perks, including bonus podcast episodes and exclusive posts and resources!
Join Audrey's email subscriber community for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.
Bethany Saltman, this week's guest, is the author of Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment. Bethany is an author, award-winning editor, and researcher. Her work has been in The New Yorker, New York Magazine, Atlantic Monthly, Parents, and many other publications. Bethany also works as a best-selling book coach, a communications director, and an in-demand mindfulness mentor, consulting writers and entrepreneurs at all stages of their creative process. She helps her clients envision and execute projects, from book proposals to content development and messaging to Big Ideas, and more. A longtime student of Zen, Bethany is devoted to the fine art and game-changing effects of paying attention. She lives in a small town in the Catskills with her family.
BIG IDEAS • Being a Zen (or Buddhist) parent
• How to come to terms with who we are as a person and as a parent.
• Steps for being in the moment with our kids and returning to ourselves.
• How meditation (noticing the thought, let it go, return to your breath/body, return to your intention to be a kind and attuned parent)
LINKS & RESOURCES • Where to connect with and find out more about Bethany and her work:
Website
Instagram
Twitter
LinkedIn
• Bethany's Flowers Fall: Field Notes from a Buddhist Mom’s Experimental Life column (Chronogram Magazine)
• Dr. Dan Siegel
• Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
• The AAI (Adult Attachment Interview)
QUOTES • Bethany: "I learned that secure attachment is not what I thought it was, and it's much bigger, it's much more forgiving, it's really much more empowering than Dr. Sears would ever have you think."
• Bethany: "That's the beautiful thing about this work is that it really directs us so much deeper than those superficial feelings."
• Bethany: "It's a very primitive orientation towards security and towards safety."
• Bethany: "Just let anything happen and stop talking. In time, your senses will return and you'll come back to yourself."
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS EPISODE, YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE... Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19
Ep. 103: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids
Good Things Come to Those Who Breathe
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 151: Dealing with Uncertainty & Building Resilience with Dr. Nicole Beurkens
ONE SIMPLE THING This week's One Simple Thing is one of the "Sticky Note Solutions" from Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
MY FAVORITE Half Time: Moving from Success to Significance by Bob Buford
SUBSCRIBE TO SUNSHINE PARENTING THANKS FOR LISTENING! If you enjoyed this episode and know of others who would be encouraged by the ideas, please share!
Leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast on iTunes! Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
Would you like to have access to bonus posts and podcast episodes and be part of my next book? Join me as a supporter on Patreon!
Audrey
SHOW NOTES
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"Those things that are really, really important are generally the things that you wouldn't be able to take in a fire."Audrey Monke
Hi Podcast Friends,
This week I share a personal update and some insights.
Among other things, I talk about:
• The fire that threatened my camp last week and thoughts on what we choose to take in an evacuation.
• Prioritizing our own and our children's mental health.
• My journey towards learning to accept mediocrity.
I also share about the work I'm doing through GATA (Gold Arrow Teacher Academy) to support and encourage teachers in the areas of Creating Community, Celebrating Strengths, Cultivating Character.
And I talk about my goal of "finding my people" through my new Patreon community.
Thanks for listening to this episode and joining me in raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults!
Here's to raising a generation of kids who become thriving adults!
Audrey
I can't wait to get back outside (after the smoke clears).
BIG IDEAS • The most important things in our life aren't things.
• Importance of prioritizing our own, and our children's, mental health.
• Teachers need support and resources to connect and engage with students (GATA).
• We can take small steps, and make simple changes, to help ourselves and our children flourish.
LINKS & RESOURCES • Creek Fire News Update (Gold Arrow Camp)
• GATA (Gold Arrow Teacher Academy)
• Join Sunshine Parenting on Patreon
QUOTES • "Think about what it is you value. What would you really want to take with you (besides people & pets) if you only had 10 minutes to gather it up?"
• "We need to remember to prioritize the mental health of ourselves and our kids. Even before this pandemic, we've been in a crisis of anxiety and depression being on the rise and teen suicide being on the rise. For many, the pandemic has made those preexisting mental health conditions even worse."
• "I really want to encourage us all to really take stock of how we're doing, how our kids are doing and what maybe simple steps or changes we can make and our homes and our families for ourselves personally, to improve our mental health, not just so that we're not depressed or anxious, but so that we're actually flourishing or thriving."
• "Sometimes the answers are right in front of us and we already kind of know them."
• "Getting therapy was so helpful to help me reframe everything and really think through how I got myself to the point where I was and what I could do to get back to feeling better and being my best self."
• "This year, this time, and this season are not a time to overachieve. For some of us, it's a really good time to just get the job done and be okay being average."
• "I'd rather have a small group of people who have more interaction and back and forth."
• "I invite you to join me in stepping back and prioritizing, perhaps picking just one project that you want to focus on this fall, whether it's a work related project, something in your family, or a relationship you want to work on, or maybe it's something for your own mental health. I feel like we all need to step back at this point and really prioritize, because as I've learned in the last week, most of what we do or gather around us will or can disappear. But those things that are really, really important are generally the things that you wouldn't be able to take in a fire."
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SHOW NOTES
Monitoring our kids' tech use is one of our biggest challenges as parents. In this episode, I chat with Dr. Shimi Kang about strategies for raising our kids with a healthy "tech diet." We discuss several of the concepts from her new book, The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing Up in a Digital World.
ABOUT DR. SHIMI KANG Dr. Shimi Kang is an award-winning, Harvard-trained doctor, researcher, media expert, writer, and keynote speaker who specializes in how the mind works. Dr. Kang provide science-based solutions for innovation, leadership, wellness, and resilience. She's spent over 20 years in researching, treating, and working with people from all walks of life. Dr. Kang is passionate about providing science-based tools that optimize the power of the human brain. She is the founder of Dolphin Kids: Future-Ready Leaders, CEO of Spark Mindset App, and host of the YouTube show; “Mental Wealth with Dr. Shimi Kang”.
Her books have been released in 12 countries around the world and her newest title, The Tech Solution: Creating Healthy Habits for Kids Growing up in a Digital World, is now available!
BIG IDEAS • The tech we consume impacts our minds, just like the food we consume impacts our bodies, knowing that then now we can start to help them understand that toxic tech is any tech that releases that stress response.
• We have to understand that technology is like no other product that has come before. There's something called persuasive design. This is a deliberate use of very sophisticated neuroscience. Our dopamine pathways are being used to really get us attracted and keep us on screens.
• The good news is that habits can always change. We have something called neuroplasticity, which means we can always build new pathways.
• I talk about future ready kids having the C’s of 21st century learning. Children who understand communication, collaboration, critical thinking, creativity, and contribution. All of these are gonna be played out online as much as real life. That's going to be the new future ready child and adults.
LINKS & RESOURCES • Dr. Shimi Kang, MD Website
• The Tech Solution
• The Dolphin Parent
• Mental Wealth with Dr. Shimi Kang MD - Youtube Channel
• Dr. Shimi Kang on Facebook
• Dr. Shimi Kang on Instagram
Please leave a review for the Sunshine Parenting Podcast over on iTunes. Reviews are very important for helping podcasts find their audiences, and I would love your support in helping people find Sunshine Parenting!
To subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss a single episode, you can do so on iTunes here and Android here.
SHOW NOTES
This week's conversation is with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., the trusted, down-to-earth parenting expert many of us have grown to trust over the years due to her pragmatic, research-based approach and advice.
Tina has researched and written the reference book every new parent needs to combat the anxiety from competing advice from family and friends. In The Bottom Line for Baby, Tina boils down the actual scientific research in short, 2-4 page spreads. She covers many topics including vaccines, co-sleeping, germs, and circumcision. Sometimes the science is clear and sometimes it isn't, but this book arms you with the data you need to know whether your gut instinct about your own child is the direction you should go. She also arms you with the science to defend allowing your child to play in the dirt when you have well-meaning relatives who think you're letting your kid get too dirty.
The Bottom Line for Baby is the book every new parent needs during this era of information overload for parents. It'll be my go-to new baby gift for many years to come.
Big Ideas * An exhausted parent can flip to that subject and within just a few minutes, have the latest science on that topic and then be given a bottom line about what to do. * I'll just give you a sneak preview, it's really good for kids to be exposed to germs. * So we should just love each other and understand that people have different webs for the decisions they make. * I do want parents to say, "You know what, this isn't working for my family, but it's allowing me to be a better parent in another way." And to have that more positive self talk around, or that framework around the decisions we make.
Quotes Audrey: This is just so necessary right now because I think like you said, especially when you're a new parent, you just want to do things right. And right now what's right is so confusing. So to be able to have this reference book, it is going to be my go-to baby gift from now on. I wish I had had it too.
Audrey: You've summarized instead of us having to go out and find all the science, which is so, so great.
Audrey: I heard you talk about it in another setting and you were saying about also just kind of going with your gut.
Tina: Just how much we are so hard on ourselves and how we can be so hard on other people, especially around these super controversial topics like vaccination, sleep training, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, you know, those are all such hot button issues for people.
Tina: I hope this is how it's experienced, is that parents will walk away with the idea that knowledge is power. 'I am now informed on the latest science on this topic and now Tina has just empowered me to trust my baby and to trust my instincts and to do what's right for our family, regardless of what everybody else says.'
Tina: Every decision we make is not done in a vacuum. The decisions we make are part of a web.
Tina: And there are many, many ways to be a great parent. And if that's not something that works for you and your baby and your family, you can let that go and ignore people who criticize you.
Audrey: So just to be nicer to yourself and it's okay.
Audrey: And you can also pivot. Do you know what I mean? If something isn't working, like if you're trying one way because your neighbor or somebody said, 'this is the way you have to do it', and then it doesn't work for you. There's no reason you can't say, 'well, you know what? I tried that, and it's not right for me.'
Tina: I think you get perspective, as you have more kids, as you're around more kids that there really are very few, have too's.
Tina: So giving in and changing your mind and holding the boundary are three different things. And the first one's not so good, the other two are perfectly acceptable. I want my kids to change their minds about things. I want them to be open when they have new information. So I want to model that too.
Watch a Video of Audrey & Tina's Conversation Listen to Audrey & Tina's Previous Conversations Ep: 136: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. on Showing Up for our Kids During COVID-19
Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson
More Resources about The Bottom Line for Baby Links Tina Payne Bryson, PH.D.
The Bottom Line for Baby
Tina's Instagram
Publisher's Weekly Review
Tina's short-run podcast series with Dr. Phil Boucher (pediatrician)
Dr. Phil Boucher (pediatrician)
Tina's video blogs, with content to support parents through the pandemic
Gold Arrow Teacher Academy
About the Author: Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice in Southern California. She is the co-author (with Daniel J. Siegel) of two New York Times best sellers, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline, as well as The Yes Brain and The Power of Showing Up. Dr. Bryson keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world, and she frequently consults with schools, businesses, and other organizations. An LCSW, Dr. Bryson is a graduate of Baylor University with a Ph.D. from USC. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.
One Simple Thing Consider doing a September Reset.
Take some time to prioritize things you want to do differently.
My Favorite This week I'm sharing a favorite that I've shared before. This pandemic has left many of us with a lot less time to listen to podcast. Laura Vanderkam's Before Breakfast Podcast is a quick daily podcast with helpful tips for productivity.
Before Breakfast Podcast: Tips from Happy Campers Book!
I'm a big fan of Laura Vanderkam's other books and advice, as well. You can listen to our chat about her excellent book, Off the Clock, here:
Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam
SHOW NOTES
This week on the podcast, I bring you my conversation with Dr. Courtney Thomas Tobin, an Assistant Professor in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the UCLA School of Public Health. You may remember Courtney from Episode 145, when I spoke with her and her husband Danny about welcoming a black son in 2020.
Courtney has a PhD in Sociology and studies issues of race-based stress, coping, and mental health among Black Americans. In this episode, we talk about her research and she shares suggestions for coping during stressful times like the one we're all in now.
SHOW NOTES
This episode is the second in my two-part conversation with Sara Kuljis. Last week, in Episode 152, Sara and I discussed what we need to do for ourselves as we transition into more pandemic disruption in our families this fall.
This week, we discuss strategies for dealing with the continued uncertainties, issues, and concerns about our kids and their education during the pandemic.
Sara Kuljis' focus as a camp owner and director has been on youth and staff development. Sara has served on the board of the American Camp Association, and is a frequent speaker and trainer for the Association. She is a certified Gallup Strengths Coach who conducts workshops to help individuals recognize, understand, and utilize strengths at work and at home.
I always get so much encouragement and a more positive outlook after my chats with Sara, and I hope you feel equally encouraged after listening to this week's episode.
Wishing you a smooth transition to school for your kids,
Audrey
Download a PDF of these questions to print out!
Quotes Sara: This is a time for innovation and looking at things with new lenses.
Sara: As the parent, a lot of times my attitude leaks into other's attitudes
Audrey: When you're looking back on this time, 10 years from now, what are the things that you're going to want to be able to say about this time?
Sara: I hope my kids and for all of us, our kids can look back and say, “I had extra time with my parents and while it was confusing sometimes, I really appreciate it.I enjoyed that time.”
Audrey: This is an opportunity for us as parents to really start helping our kids develop more autonomy.
Sara: This is an amazing time to hold each other accountable for not doing too much.
Audrey: We have no control over when it's going to change, when we're going to go back to “normal,” but between now and that point, we can focus on what's really important.
Sara: It can be really challenging because there's different reasons why children fight the homework.
Audrey: We need, as parents, to really partner with the teachers and administrators.
Audrey: Let's start the school year just knowing that we're all on the same team, we all will make mistakes. Our kids will, the teachers will, the schools will—things will go wrong. Some things will go right.
Audrey: It's going to be okay.
Sara: I really hope we all can move forward with the mindset that my child isn't going to be all behind—all is not lost.
Sara: Let's take some of the burden and the pressure off and go back to: What is the best way for my kiddo to learn right now?
Audrey: Let's all just go into this fall with the reset button.
Audrey: Push the reset button, rethink, reevaluate, do a do over from the spring, have that meeting with your kids, focus more on your relationship and autonomy development.
Links The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
In this episode, I'm chatting with my friend and camp professional colleague, Sara Kuljis. Sara has been a regular guest on the podcast (links to our other episodes below).
This is the first of a two-part series to help parents prepare for the fall now that we know that our life - and our kids' lives - will not be returning to "normal" any time soon. This week, we're talking about strategies for taking care of ourselves so that we can be present and positive (as much as possible!) for our kids and families transitioning into fall with more quarantining and online school.
Next week, we'll talk about some different ideas for approaching our kids' education this year.
Sara Kuljis' focus as a camp owner and director has been on youth and staff development. Sara has served on the board of the American Camp Association, and is a frequent speaker and trainer for the Association. She is a certified Gallup Strengths Coach who conducts workshops to help individuals recognize, understand, and utilize strengths at work and at home.
Questions What am I going to need to be the kind of parent, spouse, leader, friend I really want to be?
What support/help do I need? Ask for help!
What's on your responsibility/burden "plate"?
What are groups/communities I need to stay involved with for my well-being?
How does stress show up for you? Your partner? Your kids?
Big Ideas • Have a "Co-Counselor Pow Wow" with your parenting partner.
• Create a personal time schedule delineating who will be in charge of the kids at which times of day and when you each will have time for work, personal time, etc.
Listen to Audrey & Sara's Other Episodes Ep. 85: Grit is Grown Outside the Comfort Zone (PEGtalk)
Ep.115: Giving Kids Meaningful Compliments
Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids’ Strengths with Audrey and Sara
Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 7: Family Pace and Space with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 133: What's Working (and What's Not!) During COVID-19
Resources/Related https://www.newsbreak.com/news/1604951837867/telecommuting-moms-bear-more-household-burden-key-insight-to-help-shift-the-dynamic-and-share-the-load
https://www.pri.org/stories/2020-08-06/covid-19-s-cost-working-mothers
https://thehill.com/opinion/healthcare/511201-in-the-covid-19-economy-we-are-running-out-of-time-to-prioritize-child
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201807/where-do-you-store-stress-in-your-body-top-10-secret-areas
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/06/well/mind/five-minute-coronavirus-stress-resets.html
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/03/16/how-to-cope-with-coronavirus-related-financial-stress-and-anxiety.html
One Simple Thing Go outside!
https://sunshine-parenting.com/7-reasons-to-optoutside/
My Favorite https://www.instagram.com/p/CDmN5dkHkQt/
Show Notes
In Episode 150, I catch up with Karen Lock Kolp, M.Ed. of the We Turned Out Okay website and podcast. Karen is an early childhood development expert and parent coach. Karen helps worried and hovering parents by bringing reassuring, helpful advice and conversations. She offers simple strategies and guidance in her book, 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know: How to Stop the Chaos, Bring Out Your Child’s Good Behavior, and Truly Enjoy Family Time.
Big Ideas • Making little tweaks in our parenting can have positive effects that make our lives easier and calmer.
• Kids are very capable and can contribute a lot in the home.
• It’s important to lower our expectations of ourselves and focus on some daily connection time with family rather than all of the things we feel like we “must do” right now.
• Going through a tough time with at least one person is better than alone—find that person!
Quotes Audrey: I think they really need to just relax their expectations of themselves. There's no way you're going to be engaged, connecting, entertaining your children for their entire waking hours. You need to balance it. Try to do something fun every day, maybe for a little bit of time, but also finding those things that can keep your kids busy is really important right now.
Karen: As much as you can, make your home life structure so that there is a lot of connection, a lot of laughter, reading aloud to your child.
Karen: If you can read aloud to them and make it infectious and fun, you will find them wanting to read aloud to you. And that's what we want. We want it to come from them. We want it to be motivated by them.
Karen: It's a rare time for that. I mean, you talk about what is possible, which is an expression that Pat Flynn has used. He is an entrepreneurial podcaster. I really love him. He's got the smart, passive income podcast and he's just relentlessly positive. And he asked the question, “What does this make possible?” And it does make possible a whole bunch of scary things, but we can't live in that space. We have to live like this. Maybe this will make possible some positive things. Maybe our children will discover clay in the brook behind the house and learn how to take that clay and make it into actual, usable, moldable clay.
Audrey: Even pretty young kids could help with some cooking, but I mean, if you have even an eight or nine year old, they can cook a meal for you and you can just teach them and then they can just do it on their own. And that would make them feel great and be an incredible life skill to take out of this time.
Audrey: My mindset is: everyone's helping, no matter how young you are, we're all going to do something.
Audrey: I think sometimes we just have to remember that our kids can do more. So if we're thinking, “Oh my gosh, the house is a mess and I have to do it.” And I think that we can enlist our kids and now more than ever, we can just say, “Hey, we really need you.”
Karen: My goal is to change behavior so that you don't have to do as much negative disciplining. You can just be happy because things are much more smooth.
Audrey: I think we just all need to take a deep breath and just realize that maybe there's just little tweaks that we can do—simple things that actually make life easier, not harder.
Audrey: I also think that it's really important during this time for people to find community.
Audrey: We're all okay. It's not looking great really anywhere. And that's okay right now.
Audrey: I think it's just finding whatever it is that works for you to get you in the right mindset to be able to be flexible and know that none of us really knows what tomorrow's bringing and we have to just be okay with that because all we can do is try to make the most of today with whatever people we’re with.
Audrey: You took something that was really a scary, bad thing and turned it into something amazing.
Audrey: I hope that one of the outcomes from this is we all realize that we need each other and we can lean on each other and, we'll get through this better together than alone.
Resources/Related Ep. 38: We Turned Out Okay with Karen Lock Kolp
Ep. 69: 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know
We Turned out Okay (Karen Lock Kolp’s Website)
Download Karen’s “Calming the Weeknight Chaos”
Helping Your Fearful Kid Try New Things
I was also guest on Karen’s We Turned Out Okay Podcast! Our topic was Give Your Child the Magic of Summer Camp!
Karen's Interview on Am Writing
32 Ways to Occupy Stuck-At-Home Kids
Crucial Conversations Book
Smart Passive Income Podcast with Pat Flynn
Karen's Ninja Parenting Community
Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics Book
Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics Podcast Episode
Karen's OkayCon 2020
Author: Mary Balogh
One Simple Thing My one simple thing tip this week is to focus on strengths. When we've spent a lot of time with people, we can start to get fixated on their faults and the things they do that annoy us. Take a moment to list out the people you're sheltering with and one strength you appreciate about each of them. Focusing on strengths is a great strategy for improving family relationships!
Creating a Strengths-Based Camp, American Camp Association
Ep. 28: Focusing on our Kids’ Strengths
Celebrating Strengths
Focusing on Our Kids’ Strengths
My Favorite My favorite this week is one of my favorite mood boosters: listening to music! Music, especially songs that have an uplifting beat or lyrics, are a great way to improve your mood.
Here are two of my current favorite "feel good" listens.
https://youtu.be/8YuWAZmD0aU
https://youtu.be/3osp2p_gLx4
In Episode 149, I’m talking with repeat podcast guest Stephen Gray Wallace about his new book, Impact: An Introduction to Counseling, Mentoring, and Youth Development. The book offers insightful commentary on the important role of mentors in the lives of children and teens. While it specifically addresses camp counselors, Impact is equally relevant for all key youth influencers, including parents, teachers, and coaches.
Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a former associate research professor at Susquehanna University, and the past national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Driving Drunk). Stephen also works with the American Camp Association (ACA) as a feature magazine writer, media spokesperson and faculty member at its e-Institute for Professional Development.
Review of IMPACT
Decades of experience and research are packed into Wallace’s guide for leaders at summer camp. Wallace communicates the responsibility and life-changing impact counselors can have and the many facets of their role, which go far beyond what most people think of when they hear the job “camp counselor.” Covering a multitude of topics that are critical for counselors to understand, with discussion questions at the end of each chapter, the book is user-friendly and can be quickly incorporated into staff training. Lists that offer key takeaways of each concept on topics including developmental stages, disciplinary dos and don’ts, leadership styles, and effective teaching techniques (to name just a few) are instrumental as both a reference and training tool for camp staff. IMPACT needs to be assigned reading for every camp counselor, as the guide clearly communicates the magnitude of the responsibility counselors have for the physical and emotional well-being of other people’s children, the critical importance of developing positive relationships with each of the campers they serve, and an understanding of what to expect and how to handle the different challenges they will face. Camp leaders wanting to be informed and have a positive impact (without having to read the scores of books and articles Stephen Wallace has read) need to read IMPACT and keep it as a resource to refer to when planning training and coaching staff.
- Audrey Monke, camp director, speaker, & author of Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
Big Ideas Quotes Resources/Links One Simple Thing Ep. 133: What's Working (and What's Not!) During COVID-19
My Favorite Related Posts & Episodes Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Ep. 81: The Power of One with Travis Allison
Ep. 87: The Impact of Camp Experiences with Laurie Browne, Ph.D.
Ep. 123: Connection Comes First
Ep. 89: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men with Michael Reichert, Ph.D.
Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 68: 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families
10 Parenting Tips from Camp Counselors
This week I'm bringing you my chat with long-time camp director Ariella Rogge of Sanborn Western Camps. Ariella has a TON of amazing ideas for activities we can do to encourage our kids to explore nature. She also shares connection tips families can use to stay close during COVID-19.
About Ariella Ariella began her career at Sanborn when she was twelve. After five years as a camper and five years as a staff member she continued her work with young people as a high school teacher. She and her family returned to camp in 2001 and she became Program Director at High Trails. In 2013, she became Director. Ariella received a B.A. in English from Colorado College and is a certified secondary English educator and WEMT. She has been active in developing Outcomes-Based Research for the ACA and often presents at national and regional conferences.
Watch our Chat Links to Instructions & Downloads for Activities we Discussed NATURE NUGGETS #2: Nature Bingo
NATURE NUGGETS #4: 100 Inch Hike
NATURE NUGGETS #5: Nature Scavenger Hunt
Question Strategy:
"I THINK, I NOTICE, IT REMINDS ME OF, I WONDER..."
"... makes them feel different about the world around them." quote
Maintaining & Building Connections Virtual dinner get -togethers
"real" letters
Keeping a record of this historical time - journals, recordings
Find Your Summer Self - Fun, laughter, being outside, engaging with other people, eating good food, having really long, full days packed with all sorts of adventure.
"How do we capitalize on the spaces we do have?"
"It's recalibrating how we are connecting with people in interesting ways."
Audrey: This is a time I think that we can all use to sort of reconnect with what's important and regroup, kind of like a refresh of our lives because we have to, we don't really have any other options.
Ariella: I think that's a huge part of this experience is everybody has to have a sense of humor.
"Everybody has to have a sense of humor."
CAMP VALUE
18:43-19:05 (CAMPS as a resource)
19:39-20:00 - OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH
"It's only in challenge that we grow. And this is definitely a challenging time for all of us, and yet I think it provides us with a lot of opportunities, too."
Resources/Links "My Corona" by Chris Mann
Sanborn Western Camps
People of Sanborn: Ariella
Book: 101 Nature Activities for Kids by Jane Sanborn and Elizabeth Rundle
Nature Bingo
100 Inch Hike
Nature Sculptures
Andy Goldsworthy Nature Sculptures Inspiration
Nature Scavenger Hunt
Mental Health Practices for Everyone
Additional Ideas at the Sanborn Western Camps Blog
Be You - GAC Summer Theme
One Simple Thing: A List of Little Things Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
My Favorite Deep Work: Rules For Focused Success in a Distracted World
SHOW NOTES
This week I'm talking with my friend Jill Stribling. Jill's family has first-hand experience with COVID-19. If you're a longtime listener, you may remember my chat with Jill back in Ep. 35 about her decision to unplug her family, including her 10-year-old son, whose behavior around screens had started to concern her.
About Jill Jill is a teacher and is the owner and founder of English for Fun, a school in Madrid, Spain. English for Fun is a learning laboratory where children and adults are empowered to take risks and try new things. They collaborate with the best research institutes throughout the world in order to bring quality education to Spain and to the world.
Jill Stribling has a B.A. in Child Development and Psychology and a Master’s degree in Education and specialty in Literacy and Language Arts from California State University and more than 20 years of experience in education. After several years teaching in public schools in Los Angeles, CA, she was recruited by the American School of Madrid in 2001, where she taught Kindergaten and First Grade and took on several leadership roles (i.e. Grade Level Chair, Accreditation Committee Leader, etc.). With her educational and professional experience firmly in place, she developed a methodology for making language learning fun, and began her entrepreneurial journey in 2008 with literally one student in her living room. Shortly afterwards, she had a total of
70 students, and actually had to expand her business. English for Fun is an educational group with an English Enrichment Program for children and adults, an Urban Camp Program, an American Early Childhood Center and a Training Center for educators. Today, she owns schools in Madrid and Pozuelo de Alarcon, and this year alone more than 3,000 students will benefit from the English for Fun method!
Back in the fall of 2018, I had the privilege of visiting the Stribling family, touring English for Fun, and speaking with the parents at both of the school campuses.
Big Ideas It is important to think of others during this time.
If we are not careful, we could cause the death of someone that we or someone else loves.
This is a great time to stay inside and work on ourselves.
Quotes Jill: I think that this was the scariest thing that I've ever been through in my entire life.
Jill: We were really lucky that he recovered in a week.
Jill: I think that now looking back on it, we realize, you know, how crazy everything was and how fortunate we are. But, um, but yeah, it was not easy. And, and, you know, I wish looking back on everything that, that not only would we have taken this more seriously when it happened.
Jill: If you are someone who is a carrier and you infect other people, you will never know if you caused a death for somebody that someone else loves.
Audrey: It's almost as if like, if you don't know anyone directly, it must not be that serious or something. And these numbers of deaths on that we see on the news just seem not as relevant if you don't know them, which is sad.
Jill: The thing about how contagious it is is that you don't even realize it until it's too late.
Jill: So that for me is the hardest part of this, is all the damage you do to others when you're not careful.
Jill: By the time you realize that you have it, you've already passed it to eight to fifteen people.
Audrey: I was wishing we had done better because now of course we're seeing that it's kind of everywhere now and cases are still going up in like most of our states.
Jill: I think COVID is kind of teaching us that, you know, we've gotta live differently.
Jill: It's not about me anymore. It's about somebody's grandmother. It's about somebody's mother who could have cancer. And I know that for a fact, because I have seen it.
Jill: I get it like we're social. We want to go out. But I think right now it's the time to work on ourselves.
Audrey: I, like you, hope that from this, we learn that we are a community. We're a global community. What happens over there impacts us, we all have a responsibility.
Resources/Links English for Fun
NY Times article Jill mentions
I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness Review by Audrey
One Simple Thing - Find Your Flow What is "Flow"? Flow is a term coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi (pronounced “cheeks sent me high”) that refers to a state of optimal experience and involvement in an activity during which we are performing at our best.
Watch Dr. Csikszentmihalyi talk about flow in his TED Talk, “Flow, the Secret to Happiness.”
When we’re in “flow,” we are doing something we really, really enjoy. We can’t wait to do the activity again, and we feel a lot of positive emotions while participating in the activity. We can stick with it for hours without even noticing the time going by. In fact, when we’re in flow, it’s hard to stop whatever we’re doing. Flow is different from pleasure – simply doing things that are enjoyable like watching TV, scrolling on social media, or shopping. Instead, flow activities usually are demanding and take our full attention and concentration.
How do I achieve flow? People achieve flow in all different ways, including while playing a musical instrument, playing a sport, writing, painting, attending a concert, bird watching, riding a horse, or running, to name just a few. Often we cannot relate to the passion others have for their personal “flow” activity, since their enthusiasm and passion seem inordinately high. For the lucky ones among us, we find flow in our daily work.
The younger you are, the more likely it is that you’ve been in flow today. Young children excel at getting into a state of flow, usually during unstructured play time. As they create their pretend worlds, “cook” in the sand box, build a fort, or swing high on a swing, they are joyful and time flies by for them. Young children are experts at happily living in the moment. As we get older, however, we need to be more aware of getting ourselves into that engaged, amazing state that we enjoyed when we were younger.
Official definition of flow Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.
Possible Flow Activities And here are some ideas of possible flow activities from Deann Ware, Ph.d:
Physical activities such as sports, yoga, dance, and martial arts
Outdoor challenges such as hiking
Music–writing, playing, mixing
Art–painting, sculpture, mixed media, pottery
Photography
Woodworking
Do-It-Yourself projects, such as home improvement
Working with animals
Gardening
Cooking and baking
Software development/coding
Scrapbooking
Writing
Needlework–sewing, knitting, cross stitch
Horseback riding
What you do for work (hopefully!)
Questions to ask yourself (and your kids) What activities get you into flow?
When have you been doing something that you are so engaged that you’ve completely lost track of time?
What are new activities you want to try this summer?
What makes your heart “sing?”
Sometimes, we need to explore different activities before we figure out which activities get us into that awesome state of flow. Don’t worry if you haven’t found that awesome, engaged state yet. Sometimes, it takes awhile to explore, and many adults haven’t even figured it out yet! So start now, while you have some free time, exploring different activities – creative, athletic, academic, etc. – and find your flow!
Flow states are a great clue as we figure out who we are and what makes us our best self!
Finding Flow
My Favorite I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness
Show Notes
My family's favorite word to use is 'unprecedented,' because everything is unprecedented this year. We try to use the word as much as possible.-Audrey
Hi Friends,
How are you doing? I mean, how are you really doing?
Many of us - kids and adults alike - are really struggling right now - physically, emotionally, and financially. So much is uncertain, and much has been lost. This pandemic has been devastating. This week (July 2 to be exact) is the mid-point of 2020. What a year this has been. It's nothing like I thought it would look and, for many of us (including me), my life has been turned upside down.
I invite you to step back for a few minutes this week and check in with how you're doing in these areas:
• Health
• Relationships
• Work
If you decide to join me (and my family, who I'm also having complete the check-in), I'd love to hear any insights you come up with about changes you're going to make for the second half of 2020.
In this episode, I talk about my own check-in and the activities I'm finding helpful for my own and my family's well-being.
It's normal (and human nature) for us to dwell on all the things that have been lost or cancelled this year, but focusing only on all the negatives of this year is not good for our well-being.
The lack of ability to plan is hard for many of us. I love my planner and my lists which, this year, have become useless. For my own (and my family's) well-being, I'm choosing to focus on being present and creating habits that improve my well-being and the well-being of my family in the areas of health, relationships, and work.
I invite you to join me in looking at what to continue doing, stop (or reduce) doing, or start doing to make the second half of 2020, regardless of what the rest of this year brings, as good as possible.
Thank you for being here! I'm rooting for you and your family to come out of this trial of COVID feeling stronger and more focused on what's really important.
xo
How are you doing? A Mid-Year Check-In Health How are you feeling physically and is there anything you want to change/adjust for the remainder of 2020 that would make you feel better physically? Areas to look at:
• Sleep - Are you getting enough? Are your kids?
• Exercise - Do you get at least a walk in every day?
• Eating - Are you drinking enough water? Eating whole foods like fruit vegetables?
I've always enjoyed exercising, including running, hiking, and my brand-new favorite exercise, indoor cycling on my Peloton. This summer, I've been going on one or two hikes a week and getting on the indoor cycle 3-4 times a week. I've decided that I don't have any excuse this year (since I don't have my camp job this summer) not to exercise, so I do at least a little exercise every day. A few evenings a week, we take a family walk after it's started to cool down, around sunset. Those walks and talks have been a highlight of my COVID days.
I've never been able to be consistent about yoga or stretching (It's hard for me to take the time, have the patience), but I've managed to consistently do a quick 6-minute post exercise routine that's been working for me that includes:
Cat/Cow (1 minute)
Downward Dog (1 minute)
Plank (1 minute)
Then I repeat the whole cycle one more time. I'm done in 5-6 minutes and I've had fewer back and shoulder pains since I started.
How is your mental/spiritual health during this trial? Many of us are carrying a lot of extra stress and anxiety this year due to the loss and uncertainty COVID has caused. While there is much we can't control, there are a few things that I'm finding helpful to manage my stress.
What's working for me:
• Practice Presence
Spending less time worrying about the past and what's going to happen in the future, and practicing more presence, being in the moment, seems to be just about our only option right now, so we may as well embrace it.
• Keep a Consistent Morning Routine
Until this year, I've been inconsistent about following a morning routine, but I'm finding that it's been helpful to have some part of my day - and my life - that is staying consistent despite the chaos. Here are my morning tasks (in order, most done while drinking coffee) which usually take me between 30 minutes and one hour:
Bible Reading: I'm using the Bible Recap plan to read through the Bible this year.
Gratitude Journal
Text or note to a friend or family member
Exercise
I filmed a short video about my morning routine earlier this week:
View this post on Instagram One Simple Thing: A morning routine can help your - and your kids’ - well being.A post shared by Audrey Monke (@sunshine.parenting) on Jun 27, 2020 at 7:04pm PDT
• Create a day of rest or "Sabbath"
Ask family members, "What's restful for you?" and make sure you set aside some time to do those restful activities, at least once per week but preferably more often.
Create a ritual or tradition to "kick off" your day of rest.
Benefits of a day of rest (from A Day of Rest, 12 Scientific Reasons Why it Works, www.inc.com):
• Reduces stress
• Gives you a chance to move
• Reduces inflammation and the risk of heart disease
• Boosts your immune system
• Improves sleep
• Adds years to your life
• Restores mental energy
• Increases creativity
• Increases productivity
• Improves focus
• Improves short-term memory
• Can help you love your job again
Relationships How are you doing with relationships? We know that positive relationships are the best predictor of our health and happiness, so it's important - especially now - that we focus on our relationships with our family and friends.
Family Dinner
Sharing
Family Dinner
Arthur Aron's 36 questions to get closer to someone you love
Questions for Connection
Practice active listening/giving people our full attention
Practice empathy
"It's so important in all of our relationships we are careful not to step on other people's feelings."
"When someone is sharing something we us, we validate that we hear what they're saying."
"When you feel heard, it's a really good feeling."
Work How are you learning and growing in the area of your "work"? Your "work" is whatever you spend your time doing - whether that be in a job, care giving, or volunteering. Your work is how you fulfill your purpose, how you get meaning in your life.
Whether or not you have your dream job, you can always think about learning and growing to give your life more meaning.
Consider crafting your own "syllabus" for the remainder of 2020 to cover a topic you'd like to learn more about or a skill you'd like to improve on. You could sign up for an actual online course, or you can create your own syllabus with books, podcasts, documentaries, etc. and have your own customized plan to grow and learn over the next six months - and beyond!
Resources/Links USA Today article: No camp for kids this summer? How to entertain your children while you work from home
Follow me on Instagram
Peloton
Calm App
Differently Wired, by Debbie Reber
The Miracle Morning, by Hal Elrod
The Bible Recap - Daily Bible reading plan (I access the reading plan through the Bible App).
The Bible Project - Animated videos explaining each book of the Bible.
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer
Before Breakfast Podcast Episode - Craft a Syllabus
Anti-Racism Resources:
There have been many resources shared recently with anti-racism resources. I listed several of my favorite resources (so far) here: Special Message: Listening and Learning How to be Anti-Racist
Scaffolded Anti-Racist Resources
Parenting Resources:
Parenting in Place Masterclass Series (Summer, 2020)
Happy Campers 9-Week Read Along
Do your own Mid-Year Check-In!
Show Notes
This week I'm chatting with brand new parents Danny & Courtney Tobin about their thoughts and insights about being new parents in 2020 to their Black son. They share advice for white parents about how to raise anti-racist kids.
Courtney Thomas Tobin is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Community Health Sciences at the UCLA School of Public Health. She has a PhD in Sociology and studies issues of race-based stress, coping, and mental health among Black Americans.
Danny Tobin is the Camp Director at R.M. Pyles Boys Camp. A non-profit summer camp that promotes long-term positive behavioral change for low-income, disadvantaged boys by providing a multi-year wilderness camp experience supplemented by year-round mentoring the builds life skills and instills the values of hard work, education, and positive choices. I met Danny through my favorite professional association, WAIC (Western Association of Independent Camps). Danny graciously offered to chat with camp professionals wanting to discuss race so I took him up on his offer!
Big Ideas It’s important to teach our kids about peoples’ differences instead of teaching “colorblindness.”
The books we have in our homes and the movies and shows we watch should have people of all races represented.
Using current events is a great way to bring up the topic of race with our kids.
Racism is not something that only happened in the past. It’s imperative that we are teaching our kids (at home and in school) about what it looks like currently, in addition to in the past.
Quotes Danny: We're not recognizing that we are different and we need to be able to coincide in the world with differences.
Danny: If you have a little girl who wants a Barbie, well get them that white Barbie, but at the same time, get them that Brown Barbie and create that environment where they are getting used to seeing people of color.
Courtney: I think a lot of parents shy away from pointing out differences, or they don't mention that, but again, like you said, that colorblindness or just blindness to differences doesn't really help, especially when they get a little older and then the conversation does focus around race because they've never had those conversations before.
Courtney: We know from lots of research out there, like you mentioned, kids notice different colors, skin and things, you know, very, very early, like by the age of two. And they use those differences in those observations to make decisions about people and their behaviors. And so without having a context for understanding that different color skin doesn't mean that one is bad or one is good or things like that. Without having that context, kids will just come up with all kinds of things and nine times out of ten, it's not necessarily going to be good. And so it's really, I think, important to just as parents make sure our kids have the messages that we want and have those positive messages.
Danny: It's not even about being racist. It's just looking at something that's different and not understanding it.
Courtney: I think having diverse representation is just as, or if not even more important for white kids, because so many kids have never seen people of color before. And so you may not be able to change necessarily the composition of your community or your school, but if you had books or movies that have these positive images, which it's 2020, it's a lot easier to find than I think in years prior. But, I think if folks are really intentional about having that representation for their kids you might be able to avoid some of those kind of awkward situations because it's not like a situation where there's so many examples out there about little preschoolers saying, ‘Why is your skin like that?’ Or like things because they just don't know, or they don't understand that people look different.
Courtney: I think using current events as a way to start the conversation is a really great way because the kids see there's protests, there's all these things happening. And so that could be a good opening to say, ‘What have you heard about this? Or what do you know?’ because kids will surprise you.
Danny: We do want to protect kids from certain things, but we also want to have real conversations with them and recognize that they can understand and handle a lot more than parents give them credit for. Most people just build a bubble of protection that doesn't need to be there.
Danny: Parents have a lot to worry about, a lot of things that they're going to have to talk to their children about, maybe it's sex education or whatnot, but to really realize that for black families, at a very, very young age, we already have to have a conversation with our children, especially black boys about how to interact with police officers. And to know that you don't have to have that conversation with your child is definitely a sense of privilege as well.
Audrey: I was talking to a friend who's a person of color and she was saying that she's made a lot of efforts her whole life to make everyone comfortable, like going into work settings and just different places just to make it easy for the white people around her. And that really resonated with me that just thinking about that and having more empathy for the extra work that parents have to do, it's tough.
Danny: Something that I think is also really important, and this is more maybe on an education in the school-wide system level, is that we focus on it as not being something that happened in the past. I know growing up for me in my school setting, it was, ‘Let's talk about slavery, let's talk about civil rights…’ all things that happened in the past, that don't exist anymore. Well obviously they do exist still and so we need to be cognizant about how, it's not just something that happened in the past, but let's talk about how that has shaped the current events as well.
Audrey: Let's stay in touch and keep this conversation going because it's such an important one.
Audrey: The camp community and the education community working together can really make a difference.
Links Courtney Tobin at UCLA
Danny Tobin at R.M. Pyles Boys Camp
Just Mercy (Watch the movie for free here!)
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
Related Posts & Episodes Ep. 143: Talking About Race with Alex Gamboa Grand
Special Message: Listening and Learning How to be Anti-Racist
Ep. 117: Raising Good Humans
Show Notes
Parenting in Place Masterclass Series
Alex Gamboa Grand -
Co-founder of Good Intent -- an online shop offering sustainable alternatives to everyday essentials like home goods, cleaning supplies, and personal care products. Program Manager at Portland State University's School of Business providing support for underrepresented entrepreneurs in the Portland area who want to grow their businesses.
Links:
Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson Book & Movie
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Malcolm X Autobiography
White Fragility by Dr. Robin diAngelo
Dr. Robin diAngelo Video
Christine Caine and Anita Philips Video
Glennon Doyle on Instagram
Shaun King on Instagram
Listening & Learning How to be Anti-Racist (Links) The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
Albert Einstein
Long after the topic of racism stops trending, white people (including me) need to be actively anti-racist. Let's listen, learn, ask how we can support POC, and do the work to make our world, our country, and our communities places where children and adults of every color and religion feel safe and protected and are able to thrive.
Graphics/Visuals They're Not Too Young to Talk About Race from the Children's Community School in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
A guide to white privilege by Courtney Ahn Design
Podcast Episodes Unlocking Us: Brene Brown's interview with Ibram X. Kendi on How to be an Anti-Racist
Talking Race With Young Children (NPR)
Books Books I've read and highly recommend:
Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson
The Hate U Give, Angie Thomas
Real American, Julie Lythcott-Haims
Motherhood So White, Nefertiti Austin
Next on my "to read" list:
White Fragility
Stamped from the Beginning
Videos Movies Other Anti-Racist Articles, Lists & Resources I will be continuing to add resources and reviews - please send me an email or comment with more resources. Rachel Cargle
The Great Unlearn
Books about Race & Racism (bookshop.org)
I shudder, do you? Julie Lythcott-Haims
Anti-Racist Resources
Embrace Race Website: Let's raise a generation of children who are thoughtful, informed, and brave abut race. (podcast & website)
By age five, Black and Hispanic children show no preference toward their own group compared to Whites. On the other hand, White kids remain strongly biased in favor of whiteness. By the start of kindergarten, “children begin to show many of the same implicit racial attitudes that adults in our culture hold. Children have already learned to associate some groups with higher status, or more positive value, than others.
-Andrew Grant-Thomas, Your 5 Year-Old is Already Racially Biased.
We have to eliminate the White Savior role, which centers whiteness and portrays people of color as victims. But white kids should know that they can play an important support role when it comes to fighting racism. Emphasize and prioritize the efforts of people of color, but include white allies too, John Brown, Viola Liuzzo, James Ian Tyson.-Mia Birdsong, Lift Up The Freedom Fighters
Do you have Anti-Racist resources you'd like to see added to this post? Please comment and we'll add.
6-5-20
Show Notes
Tap into the camp values of gratitude, attitude, and courage to help you and your family cope during COVID-19! This week on the podcast, I'm chatting with camp professional and podcaster Cole Kelly about summer camp and how his family is coping with sheltering at home.
Cole and his wife Kate are the owners and directors of Camp Weequahic in Lakewood, Pennsylvania. Cole spends his summers setting the tone for camp, joining in on the fun with the kids, and supporting both the staff members at camp and parents back home in every way possible. While there are too many joys of camp to list, getting the youngest campers’ ‘happies’ each night and leading the weekly Friday Night Campfires are among his favorites. During the off-season, Cole travels to meet potential new families around the world and oversees the preparations for another great summer.
Both Kate and Cole have come a long way together from captaining their collegiate teams (soccer at Dartmouth for Kate and golf at Virginia for Cole.) When not talking camp or volunteering in their home community of Athens, GA, Kate and Cole spend their time parenting their three boys – Cole3 (16), Jack (14) and Luke (12) – and caring for Camp Dog Mac.
Cole hosts the Campfire Conversation Podcast:
Listen to Audrey's interview with Cole on the Campfire Conversation Podcast.
Play! It's good for everyone! - Michael Brandwein on Campfire Conversation (mentioned in this episode).
Download Screentime Ticket Checklist from Camp Weequahic.
Gretchen's Daily Activities Checklist
Cole's posts about gratitude, attitude, and courage: Gratitude in Action
The Space Between
Speaking from the Heart
Big Ideas Many camps focus on character-building and have resources that can be helpful to families right now.
It’s important for us to encourage our kids to move, connect with their friends, and have fun!
Family members may need breaks from each other and will feel refreshed after some time to themselves.
There may be games or activities that your family has not done in awhile that they may enjoy together again now.
QUOTES Cole: There's a great quote that says that crisis doesn't build character. It reveals character. And the crisis that we're going through has shown what the character is of the camp community, which is we're here to help. We know about kids, we know about connection, we know about relationships.
Cole: We're trying to keep people's minds off it while also always pointing back to the values of our camp, which is what we really focus on, which is gratitude. We've talked all the time that a grateful heart is a happy heart, attitude is the only thing you have total control over in your life. So choose a good one and then building courage.
Cole: This moment that we're in right now, those values are so vitally important to practice and to put out into the world.
Audrey: Try to recreate a little of that camp magic.
Cole: The other things we're counseling families to do is whatever you can do to add a little bit of fun.
Cole: Perfect is the enemy at this point. You just need to be there and be with your kids and want to relate.
Cole: If parents treat this as an opportunity, they can connect with their kids in ways that will leave a very big lasting impression.
Audrey: I do think that so many people are struggling because they're trying to figure out this new normal, but instead of putting so much pressure that everything has to be perfect, just like you said, let's just do a little bit of fun and connection
Audrey: We need breaks even from each other during this time.
Resources/Related Posts Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Maria Horner
Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Mike & Mary Endres
Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge
Happy Campers Camps
Video version of our interview ONE SIMPLE THING Pick a Summer Theme!
MY FAVORITE Dr. Michele Borba's quick tips on Twitter & Instagram are my favorite for this week.
Dr. Michele Borba on Twitter
Dr. Michele Borba on Instagram
Check out my recent interview with Dr. Borba about her book Unselfie:
Ep. 138: Unselfie with Dr. Michele Borba
In this episode, I'm chatting with "Happy Science Mom" Sandi Schwartz about how we can use nature to help us - and our kids - feel happier during COVID-19 and beyond. At the time of our recording, Sandi was on Day 66 of her "Ecohappiness" Challenge, and she's shooting for 100 days of doing something nature-related to improve her well-being. We talk about some of the very doable, simple activities she's tried as well as the benefits of getting ourselves outside.
Grab Sandi's FREE 30-Day Ecohappiness Challenge Calendar filled with fun and relaxing activities for your family to enjoy together without even leaving your own neighborhood. Sandi is the writer behind the blog Happy Science Mom. She has also published hundreds of articles in outlets such as Motherly, Scary Mommy, and more, and recently her blog was listed in Feedspot’s list of Top 100 Mom Blogs Every Mommy Must Read in 2020. Sandi researches and writes about nature and its positive effects on us and is currently working on a book on the topic. Sandi lives in Florida with her husband and two children, a daughter in elementary school and a son in middle school.
Big Ideas • Being in nature is healing to us and to our kids.
• Participating in something nature-related (even if you have to stay indoors) is positive for our mental health.
• There are so many ways to bring nature into our lives.
Quotes Sandi: You can really tap into nature in so many different ways. And when it comes to your kids, you don't have to necessarily force them to do something they don't enjoy. You could kind of spin it off from something they already love. So if they're into art, so have them go on a nature walk and then even nature photography have them, um, you know, paint a picture, draw a picture of something that they love. If there are athletes, get them outdoors more playing their sports. There's just so many options that we can, you know, weave in, in nature.
Audrey: We each have our own unique combination of experiences that kind of lead to the things we need to learn.
Audrey: If you want to raise a child who becomes a thriving adult, they need to see what that looks like. They need to see a parent who's showing them the way that when things get hard, how do you deal with it? What are your strategies for coping during difficult times?
Sandi: The coolest part is that even the days that I'm kind of like tapped out and I'm like, am I going to come up with something unique today? Something appears.
Sandi: You don't always have to work hard to seek out nature. It can find you as well.
Audrey: You can see the silver linings and it sounds like you've really found a silver lining in your, what you always knew: your knowledge that nature can heal and can help through challenging times.
Sandi: I appreciate the well-roundedness of how we can reach out to nature, whether it's through your computer, your balcony, your backyard, or if you're going on a hike.
Audrey: It's a very relaxing feeling to be fully in nature.
Sandi: You don't necessarily have to be at the natural water body to experience it. A lot of it is even closing your eyes and imagining you are at the beach. Water is so powerful.
Audrey: Sometimes we try to separate different parts of us, but really we are part of nature and the world and our bodies are also really connected with how we feel like drinking enough water and getting sun and getting that vitamin D. So there's so much that it's all interconnected. So being outside is obviously something that we all need.
Sandi: Nature also gives us that positive ability to go back and be in awe even from our past experiences.
**Resources & Links** Happy Science Mom Happy Science Mom on Facebook
Happy Science Mom on Instagram
Happy Science Mom on Twitter
The Happiness Project by: Gretchen Rubin
Blue Mind by: Wallace J. Nichols
Related Posts & Podcast Episodes Advice & Encouragement During COVID-19: Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge 7 Reasons to #optoutside One Simple Thing Do one thing outside as a family this week, even if it's just for 20 minutes.
Ideas:
picnic on a deck or in your backyard
walk or bike around your neighborhood
chalk art or basketball in the driveway
golden hour photo shoot
nature bingo
What simple outdoor activities have you tried with your family? Comment or send me pictures!
My Favorite For all these reasons, spending time in nature with your children may be an ideal way to nurture family
bonds, whether you’re dealing with a fussy infant or a recalcitrant teen. Nature doesn’t have ring tones or
deadlines. You can reach it without spending a penny. And you can even get outdoors together with other
families to increase the sociability and fun. As parents like Debra Scott have discovered, getting outdoors can
help both you and your child feel better, while giving you common ground for discovery and play.
-Sara St. Antoine , "Together in Nature: Pathways to Stronger, Closer Families" (Children & Nature Network
Spurred by my conversation with Sandi, my favorite this week is the Children & Nature Network. Founded by Richard Louv (best-selling author of Last Child in the Woods and Nature Deficit Disorder), C&NN offers free resources and tools for families and organizations to help get kid out in nature.
Free PDF Dowloads from Children & Nature Network
Nature Clubs for Families
Together in Nature: Pathways to Stronger, Closer Families
Link to show notes for this episode.
Katherine Reynolds Lewis is an independent journalist, author and speaker based in the Washington D.C. area on topics including parenting, children, education, mental health, technology, work, entrepreneurship, caregiving, diversity, equity and inclusion. Her award-winning book, The Good News About Bad Behavior (PublicAffairs, April 2018), explains why modern kids are so undisciplined and tells the stories of innovators who are rebuilding lost self-regulation, resolving family conflict and changing the trajectory of young lives. Based on the most-read article ever published by Mother Jones, the book documents a new model of discipline for a generation of children who are out of control. Katherine is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Md.
Katherine contributes to The Atlantic, Experience Life, Medium, Parents, USA Today’s magazine group, the Washington Post and Working Mother magazine. Her byline has also appeared in Bloomberg Businessweek, Fortune, MSN Money, Money, the New York Times, Parade, Slate, and the Washington Post Magazine. She's appeared on CNN, NPR, Bloomberg television and radio, and HuffPost Live, as well as many TV and radio programs nationally and internationally.
Big Ideas Kids today really do behave differently than in previous generations.
It’s important to model to our kids how to calm down or stay in control when we are stressed so that they can learn what works best for them in their own situations.
Connecting with your child goes a long way.
Making mundane things fun by playing a game, timing it, or doing it in a different way are effective techniques worth trying with your kids.
It’s important to reframe the way we look at a child’s misbehavior.
Quotes Audrey: If we can't show our kids how to appropriately handle difficult situations, that's hard for them too.
Audrey: There are things that we can do to positively influence our kids by being more aware of our own triggers and how we can respond more effectively in different situations.
Katherine: And when you start modeling all of the many strategies there are for self-regulating, then your kids first of all see, Oh, it's normal to feel disregulated many times during the day and to need to bring yourself back under control. And then they start thinking, Oh well what would, what would work for me?
Katherine: We always try to have this conversation of: I see you're starting to get worked up. I'm noticing your face is getting a little flushed. What do you think would help? Right. And the more that we start turning it back to our kids so that they tune in to their own bodies and their own needs, then they're going to find the solutions that work for them.
Audrey: So these behaviors that we see, a lot of it is just that they are not able to comply if they don't have the skill yet.
Katherine: The apprenticeship model is really viewing our kids as capable of growth and change.
Katherine: Relationship is the foundation of self regulation.
Katherine: Even if it's little by little by little, even if it's two step forward, one step back, having that faith and vision that our kids are able to succeed, if we can have that vision for them, then they can start to believe it and inhabit it as well.
Katherine: The information you're getting from your kids through their behavior is just data and it helps you to figure out, okay, what might be going on? How can we potentially find a better path, um, through this challenge.
Katherine: The apprenticeship model is these three Cs, connection, communication and capability building.
Katherine: I think so often parents are asking authors like us, “What do I do? What's the technique that will make my kid be perfect? That will make them finally do what I, what they need to do in this situation.” But it really comes down to that relationship between you and your child. And I think that if you or I were in someone's home, we still wouldn't have all of the clues that the parent has to to really understand the dynamics and what might help and what might be the underlying issue.
Audrey: It's fun for them. You've made it so that something that happens every day and is mundane suddenly is like appealing and kind of fun.
Katherine: Sometimes if we can just lighten up as parents, have a little faith, and make it silly and playful, that's going to be the most effective way to just change the script a little bit so the kids aren't getting a long lecture or they're not earnestly sharing their feelings. They're just playing the game.
Audrey: Sometimes it's just a matter of using things that you already use with other relationships more in your parent child relationship.
Katherine: Everyone wants to feel that connection. They want to be listened to, have respectful communication, and they want to be seen as capable of growth.
Audrey: I’m often talking to parents about that capability piece that actually making sure our kids know that they are valued and important contributors to our homes.
Katherine: If we can instead say, “Oh great, I'm going to take the extra 20 minutes to teach you how to sweep or spray a bottle to wash the windows or chop up vegetables for salad, then it feeds that sense of belonging that is the deepest human need to feel that we belong in our family and our community, whatever group we're part of, that we're needed and that we authentically contribute.
Audrey: It was neat to me to hear that the contribution goes beyond your home. And I think that's sort of the ultimate goal.
Katherine: Instead of drilling our kids with flashcards or working on their times tables, if we could just say, “Hey, would you like to help me organize the spice rack?” That's going to be just as important, if not more to their success. Plus it's an activity we do together. They're helping our home. There's so many things packed into these simple household tasks that we can do together.
Resources and Links Katherine Reynolds Lewis Website
Book: The Good News about Bad Behavior
Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Maryland
Explosive Child Book
Lost at School Book
Viral Story for Mother Jones Magazine
Study Comparing Russian Kindergartners Today to Russian Kindergarteners 50 Years Ago
One Simple Thing During this pandemic, a simple thing you can do to improve your own and others' well-being is to lower your expectations and standards for yourself and everyone else. I talked about this in my interview on the Happier in Hollywood podcast.
I like the concept of the "Minimum Effective Dose" I learned from Dr. Christine Carter in her book, The Sweet Spot, and it seems especially helpful during this challenging time.
The “minimum effective dose” (MED) is considered to be the lowest dose of a pharmaceutical product that spurs a clinically significant change in health or well-being. In order to live and work from my sweet spot, I had to find the MED in everything in my life: sleep, meditation, blogging frequency, checking my email, school volunteering, homework help, date nights.
We have a deep-seated conviction that more work, more enrichment activities for the kids, more likes on Facebook or Instagram, more stuff would be better. Unless we like feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, we need to accept that more is not necessarily better and that our go-go-go culture, left unchecked, will push us not only beyond our MED — but beyond the “maximum tolerated dose,” the level at which an activity (or drug) becomes toxic and starts causing an adverse reaction.
-Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Want to listen to my conversations with Christine on the podcast? Ep. 127: The New Adolescence with Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Ep. 41: Getting Comfortable with our Kids’ (and our own) Discomfort with Christine Carter
Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
My Favorite Download Christine's free eBook, How to Gain an Extra Day Each Week: 3 Science-based Strategies to generate more time for the things things that matter most.
I especially like Step 1 in Tactic No. 1 (Upgrade Your Task List): Decide on your Top Five priorities. Not just at work, but in life. It's really hard to narrow down priorities, but it's an important first step in figuring out which tasks to prioritize.
When I read The Sweet Spot several years ago, I spent some time figuring out my priorities.
I pulled my copy out and saw that my number three priority was writing my book, which I only managed to do because I put it as one of five priorities.
This pandemic has made it clear to me that I need to prioritize what's most important to me. Christine's book and advice helped me realize that having too many priorities scatters my attention and effort and makes me frustrated and less effective in the relationships and activities that I value most.
Listener Question Hi! I am the in-school suspension lady at my school, and I need some kind of activities or lessons to teach my 5th through 8th graders when they get into a fight or defiance towards a teacher. Do you have any ideas?
Mary
• Connect, connect, connect! It's challenging when we have so many kids to manage, but connecting with children and letting them know that they are loved and cared for despite their behavior is so important.
Instead of getting angry at the child for their behavior, look at them with curiosity. You can read more about why the child's behavior is likely due to their neurobiology and a lack of appropriate coping skills. My favorite books and videos on this topic are from Dr. Dan Sieigel and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., including their best-selling books, The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, The Yes Brain, & The Power of Showing Up
• Talk about calm down strategies when the child is in a calm state (not when they are agitated/ "in trouble") so that they can start learning to self-regulate.
• Brainstorm what works for them. Empower the child to come up with their own ideas. For younger kids, you could have them make their own Conflict Resolution Wheel.
I write a lot about strategies for connecting with kids and forming close relationships, as well as how to flip the script on traditional, punitive discipline, in my book, Happy Campers. I invite you to download a free chapter (Secret #1: Connection Comes First) and see if my book could be another resource for you!
Video: Emotional Responsiveness with Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Ep. 95: Raising a “Yes Brain” Child with Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 110: Keep Calm & Parent On
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts
Show notes & links.
In this episode, Audry is joined by Alyssa Westring, co-author of Parents Who Lead: The Leadership Approach You Need to Parent with Purpose, Fuel Your Career, and Create a Richer Life. Alyssa is an associate professor of management at the Driehaus College of Business, DePaul University, and has studied organizational psychology, particularly work-life integration.
Parenting life isn't easy and many people feel guilty, stressed, and on autopilot, instead of being present with their families at the end of a busy workday. It is possible for parents to harness the powerful science of leadership in order to thrive in all aspects of their lives.
Big Ideas Parents Who Lead was co-authored with Stuart Friedman, who wrote Total Leadership. Westring and Friedman took the leadership principles that were more individual-focused and applied them, along with some new research, to parenting.
They look at what it means to be a total leader and a leader in all parts of life. Parents can be just as intentional about seeking purpose in parenting as they are about seeking fulfillment in their careers. For the past 3 years, she has focused on working parents and discovering ways they can parent more effectively and thrive in their careers and personal lives.
Her research asks:
- How do we help people make better choices about balancing work and family?
- How do we help organizations make better policies?
- How do we influence these things on a national level and on a global level?
She shares the "Four Way View." We think of these four domains of our lives as if they are four buckets:
- career - work or school
- family - kids, partner, extended family
- community - friends, neighbors, religious or political organizations
- self - mind, body, and spirit
Looking for four-way wins means not settling for changes in one part of your life that make things worse in another.
When you're overwhelmed, ask yourself:
How important is it? How much time and energy am I spending on it? How am I doing? How satisfied am I? Look at how all of those pieces fit into the puzzle of your life. This reveals opportunities to make things better across domains, not just in one.
What are the values that you hope define this moment in your lives, as an individual and as a family? How do our values impact the choices we make on a daily basis?
When parents realize they can assert more control and achieve better outcomes for themselves and others, they feel less overwhelmed. Mental health improves when parents learn how to pursue four-way wins.
Quotes Audrey: "A lot of what I teach parents and what I've learned is from leadership and working to get your company on the same page culturally, creating a positive culture."
Audrey: "At work, we're often so much better about stepping back and doing strategic planning once a year, looking at what's going well, what's not going well, having weekly meetings. There's so much structure usually in our careers but often we forget to apply those same principles at home."
Alyssa: "Many dual-career couples are so enlightened about what great leadership looks like at work and then they get home they turn into these annoying micromanagers. We forget all of that good stuff that we learned about how to inspire other people, get them on board, and create a shared vision and culture. We just abandon it when we walk into the house."
Alyssa: "It's a skill that we have and we just have to turn it on. And if you don't have it, and you're learning how to do it at home, that makes you better in your job, as well. Because then you know how to communicate and set goals and check in with people. It's a win-win."
Alyssa: "Many of us are operating on autopilot (especially in pre-pandemic times.) We have a sense that we want things to be better, but we don't know how to change it. We don't know what to do to make it better. The Four-Way View is a tool that we use to take stock of the present. It will reveal opportunities to make things better in a way where you're not just sacrificing one thing to get more of another."
Alyssa: "Our default assumption is that if we want our work to be better then we'd better take time away from sleep or from parenting or from friends. Taking the Four-Way View starts to help you think about how the different parts of your life are interconnected."
Audrey: "Many parents have become so overwhelmed just getting through the day, getting their kids where they need to be, getting to work, that people don't have as close of neighborhoods. Most people don't have a religious affiliation or any kind of outside group that they connect with. I'm wondering if this pandemic is going to change that at all because it just makes it even more clear how we all need each other and nobody can do this alone."
Alyssa: "I think the community is at the forefront of our minds right now because we are social distancing for the greater good, for our communities, for our society. We're aware of the sacrifices that we're making for other people in a way that's much more straightforward than normal. Yet I think we assume that we need to feel more isolated because we're physically isolated."
Alyssa: "If as a family we care about showing gratitude, then that can be woven into anything that you do."
Audrey: "Sometimes parents don't realize that they haven't communicated their values."
Alyssa: "A lot of people feel like they don't have the time, they're too busy for these sorts of conversations, whether it's with kids or coworkers or community members of friends. We've found that it does seem to save them time and increase their happiness in the long run. It really does pay off, even if it's sort of hard to get on board with sacrificing some time upfront."
Audrey: "What an opportunity we have when we don't have sports and we don't have anything going on to maybe take this time to clarify a little bit what our values are for this time and this season."
Resources Values List: Pick your top values as an individual and as a family.
On The Web: www.ParentsWhoLead.net
Alyssa Westring is the Vincent de Paul Associate Professor of Management and Entrepreneurship at DePaul University's Driehaus College of Business. She earned her Ph.D. in organizational psychology from Michigan State University in 2007. She is the Director of Research for Total Leadership. In addition to her research on work-life topics, she is a scholar of women's careers and leadership. She is an award-winning educator and DePaul's inaugural Presidential Fellow. Westring lives in Chicago and has two young children. Her TEDx talk, "The Secret Life of a Work-Life Insider," is about motherhood, and the Time magazine cover story she was interviewed for was about millennial parents.
Alyssa's TED Talk One Simple Thing This week's One Simple Thing came from listener Gail, who shared the idea of practicing "Thoughtful Thursdays" with kids. One day a week (Thursdays work because of the nice alliteration), have your kids send a drawing or note to one of their classmates. Perhaps your kids can start a trend in their school just like Gail's grandchildren have!
My Favorite From Six Daily Questions to Ask Yourself in Quarantine, by Brooke Anderson for the Greater Good Science Center:
Listener Question How do I stay calm while balancing parenting my three kids (ages 14, 12, & 6)?
10 Ways to Teach Our Kids to Calm Down
Show notes & links.
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. has encouraging advice to share during COVID-19. We talked in January (Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson) about her new book with Dr. Daniel Siegel, The Power of Showing Up, and the message of the book is so relevant to our intense time with our kids during this pandemic.
We chatted again last week (during Week 4 of "Iso for the Rona") on a Facebook Live interview. This week's podcast is the audio from that interview.
Big Ideas * During hard times, it's easy to focus on what's going wrong instead of what's going right. * We all need to find ways to stay sane and grounded. Some ideas are: gratitude practices, physical exercise, being in nature, and finding ways to connect with your loved ones. * Showing up and being present for your children is one of the best predictors for future success, as well as for overall health and wellbeing. * The four S's help to promote secure attachment, helping kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. * It is during insecure times like these that our biological attachment system compels us to connect with people in our lives who help us to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. * Just being present for your child is enough. * Parents need to work on their own emotional balance, resilience, insight, and empathy and that work will carry over and strengthen their relationships.
Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson
Quotes Tina: "I love my work, but I love being at home. So I'm really cherishing this time and I go a little stir crazy at times."
Tina: "I felt like I was going to go crazy yesterday for a little while and I just went outside without even a purpose. I just went and followed my dog's lead, outside in the fresh air."
Audrey: "Parents are being inundated with so much right now, it can be overwhelming."
Audrey: "Isn't it fortuitous that the Power of Showing Up just came out?"
Tina: "The message of the book is even more germane now. The idea in the book is based on 50 years of attachment research that says one of the best predictors for how well kids turn out is that they have someone who shows up for them, or what's called a secure attachment."
Tina: "The whole purpose of the attachment system in mammals is that during distress, fear, terror, and danger, that's when our attachment system is activated. That's when we have the biological drive to go to someone who will help give us the 4 S's."
Tina: "It is our attachment system that sets us up to be resilient in the face of exactly this type of thing."
Tina: "One of the main messages I want to give teachers and parents is, first of all, you don't have to be perfect. We're all going to mess up at times. We're all going to be fearful, we're going to be grumpy. Just repair and move on."
Tina: "Just by you walking through this with your child, even in imperfect ways, you're doing it. What your kids need most from you is YOU."
Tina: "I'm going to focus on helping my kids feel safe, seen and soothed and just being present to them. And that's all I need to be doing. That's more than good enough parenting."
Audrey: "I think that it's an important thing for people to understand that we are all people with our own feelings going on, though this and every other time, and you give the guidance of what we need to do for ourselves, too."
Tina: "We all need people who help us feel safe, seen, soothed and secure. That's a message that's really important to tell parents."
Tina: "We sacrifice so much for our kids and that mammalian need to be connected and have people show up to us, is not just for our kids, it's for us, too."
Audrey: "There are simple things we can do just to let our kids know that, 'we're here with you and we're going to be okay.'"
Tina: "When your kid is complaining, it activates a fear or threat response and it's really annoying but if we can really just be present to our child's experience and say, 'it's frustrating, isn't it? It's not like it used to be. It's such a bummer we have to do this right now, isn't it?' Just keep it simple."
Tina: "But if we respond to our children's complaining with argument or criticism, and say, 'you should be grateful.' we are actually criticizing them for sharing what they're feeling. So our kids will make that association...and stop sharing how they feel."
Watch Tina's Video Messages for Teachers & Parents During COVID-19 A Message for Parents from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.
https://vimeo.com/399730541
2 Things that Increase Chronic Stress & 2 Things that Reduce it in Our Kids from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.
https://vimeo.com/402633303
Fear Messaging vs. Safety Messaging from Tina Payne Bryson, PhD on Vimeo.
https://vimeo.com/402467778
Access Tina's Resources for Coping with the Coronavirus
Watch Tina & Audrey's chat on video One Simple Thing This week's one simple thing tip is to create a gratitude wall or board using sticky notes. Each family member can have their own "color" sticky note, and you can each put up at least one sticky note per day with something you're grateful for.
More gratitude resources:
Flourish: A Visionary Understanding of Happiness & Wellbeing, Dr. Martin Seligman
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices
Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude
Raising Grateful, Not Entitled, Kids
Growing Gratitude
My Favorite I love all of the Soul Pancake videos, which also include the fun Kid President series. If you need some inspiration, check out Soul Pancake's YouTube channel.
Listener Question How should I respond when my child is complaining about unimportant, seemingly selfish things during this pandemic?
Validate their feelings! I made a short video about the importance of validating and not dismissing our kids' feelings:
Related Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 95: Raising a Yes Brain Child with Tina Payne Bryson
Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults (Foreword by Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.)
Show notes & links.
I've spent the past weeks talking with youth development experts who are sharing their advice and encouragement for parents during this crazy time of social distancing, sheltering at home, or what I like to now call "Iso for the Rona" (the Australian term for "Isolation for the Coronavirus" that I learned from my email friend Vicki). Over the next several episodes, I'll be sharing excerpts from those interviews, as well as links to the resources and ideas my guests shared.
I'm kicking off this series with two chats with teachers - one current high school teacher and one former sixth grade teacher. Both of them have a lot of experience working with and teaching kids, and they have some great ideas for parents who are new to "teaching" and now have your kids at home full time. I hope our chats bring you some encouragement during this challenging time!
Please continue to reach out to me with your feedback, questions, and ideas!
Thank you for joining me in raising kids who become thriving adults.
Gretchen Monke: High school English teacher at Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, CA) who's now teaching remotely while stay home orders are in place for COVID-19. What do high school kids need from us during this time? That's the question I ask - and Gretchen answers - in our chat. Gretchen offers tips for parents and teachers about the connection kids need during this time. She also offers her downloadable daily checklist to help kids have the autonomy they want.
GRETCHEN'S DAILY ACTIVITIES CHECKLIST
Step 1: Open this Google Doc file
Step 2: Make a copy: Go into “File” and click on “Make a Copy.”
Step 3: Add or delete categories and tasks & start using!
Alternatively, you can download a PDF version (not changeable) below!
QUOTES Gretchen: "Even the kids who maybe don't love the academic aspects of school knew, even before we went remote, that they were going to suffer this loss from not being able to socialize with their friends. What they value the most is time with their friends and being able to socialize. So taking that away from them is a huge loss."
Gretchen: "The kids are just looking forward to checking in with each other at these zoom meetings. They've become more about connection than any kind of formative work."
Audrey: "Even if you don't have some kind of setup yet, you can provide any way for your kids just to get together and check in with each other, sharing what's going on."
Audrey: "I'm a big proponent of not really having a rigid schedule, but instead having daily checklists, activities that we want to make sure we do every day."
Audrey: "It's helping me to stay in a routine because I think the tendency can be if you don't have anything that you need to get to or do, you really could do nothing and doing nothing, as we know, does not promote us feeling good."
Audrey: "What I like about having these daily checklists, and maybe having it be a family thing, is that you're doing it together."
Audrey: "If there's something that you want to do, you can make the time to do it. If you think about what we're not able to do right now, I think that doing a little bit more activity will make us all feel better."
Audrey: "If you're not used to doing some kind of family daily sharing, this is a good time to start something on a very small scale."
Gretchen: "I've really loved having family dinners again. There are some things to be thankful for during this time. It is fun to get to be with my family again for a little bit."
Audrey: "Make a list if there are things you've been wanting to do, like random craft supplies that you have around the house that you can now actually utilize or bake some bread."
Audrey: "I realize how critical it is to stick with my daily activities. I think for our kids, it's important to help encourage them to make sure they're doing all those things, too."
Resources & Links Watch the video of our conversation.
Before Breakfast podcast
Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam
168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think LEARN MORE
Daily Family Sharing Ideas
Alison Moeschberger: Camp director and former 6th grade teacher who's now responsible for teaching her girls (ages 4 & 7) while stay home orders are in place for COVID-19. Camp director (Gold Arrow Camp) & former 6th grade teacher (The Classical Academy in Colorado Springs, CO), mother to two daughters ages 7 & 4
During her time at home with her family, Alison's been coming up with a lot of activities to help keep her girls engaged, interested, and interacting with each other while also giving her some time to get her own work done.
QUOTES Alison: "I don't aim to be creating a Pinterest-worthy homeschool experience for my kids. I'm trying to come up with activities that will keep them engaged and interested and wanting to do things with each other, interacting and teaching each other things and giving me some space so I can get my work done, too."
Audrey: "I think a lot of parents, especially parents who work outside the home and are used to having this very concentrated short time with their kids, have a little too high of expectations for the interaction with kids when you're together all day long."
Alison: "For us, family dinner is a non-negotiable time. We want to get together and make sure we're having that time together."
Alison: "My husband and I really want to spend some time with the kids so we both map out time to spend with each daughter independently. We want to make sure we have intentional, I'm-going-to-set-everything-aside-and-focus-on-you for this one activity today."
Alison: "This is kind of a historic time that our kids are living through. And so I wanted to start a notebook where it's kind of a keepsake. I ask very specific questions about the Coronavirus. I'm asking things that I think would be fun to look back at in a lot of years."
Alison: "I think it's all in finding the context and finding the fun. You can do a little science experiment together that takes care of a lot of learning. You've got your measurements, writing, and it's not standards-based. I know how to write lessons that will accomplish the goals for first grade but I'm not even interested in that right now. I just want some brains-on time."
Alison: "I want my kids to be thinking. I want them to be talking with me, interacting with me, following directions. So you can accomplish all of these things, just differently."
Audrey: "You do learn something better when you teach other people. So if you have something that your child is supposed to learn for school, you could have them teach you how to do whatever their activity is that they are assigned. Because it is more fun when you get to be on stage. A lot of kids like to do the demo, so maybe parents can be the students sometimes, too."
Alison: "My kids actually just love the attention that they get to show off the work they've done."
Alison: "What's important to me is that my kids don't emerge from this viewing our relationship any differently."
Alison: "This is what we do on weekends, maybe not with such educational emphasis, but we still try to have fun. We still have adventures and we still program part of every day, even on the weekends. Now it's just the same thing. We are trying to keep an eye on what she's missing by not being at school and filling the gaps at home."
Alison's Photos & Ideas
This Week's Podcast Segments One Simple Thing: Kindness! The results indicate that performing kindness activities for seven days increases happiness. In addition, we report a positive correlation between the number of kind acts and increases in happiness. Neither effect differed across the experimental the groups, suggesting that kindness to strong ties, to weak ties, and to self, as well as observing acts of kindness, have equally positive effects on happiness.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29702043
Join me for 30 Days of Kindness!
My Favorite: Graphic "Who do I want to be during COVID-19?" I originally saw this graphic on Tara Leigh Cobble's Instagram (but I'm not sure if she created it).
Listener Question: How are you staying positive? I've done a few recent interviews also answering this same question:
Parenting & Staying Positive during the COVID-19 Crisis (Happier in Hollywood Podcast)
Okay Con 2020 with Karen Lock Kolp
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm speaking with Apryl Krakovsky, founder and CEO of My School in Motion, an award-winning program that promotes fitness, nutrition, wellness and health education for school communities.
Moving together every morning for healthier minds, bodies, and attitudes! Big Ideas * Apryl started the program when she noticed the need for more physical education at her kids' school. * The program is now in 53 schools in five states benefitting as many as 20,000 students. * It educates and empowers students to make smart choices about movement, nutrition, health, and wellness. * The workouts are thoughtfully crafted to bolster students’ self-esteem and promote personal wellbeing by including physical tasks that every student can be successful performing, regardless of grade level, age, fitness level, experience, or special needs. * The power of movement can be the cornerstone of your mental and emotional health. * The My School In Motion curriculum is innovatively designed to help schools meet state PE requirements and help children live healthier, happier and smarter lives. * The program captures the power of movement, music, learning, and community. * When physical activity is undertaken at the start of each school day, the benefits are: + improved students’ mood + improved students' focus + improved students' physical health + stimulated brain activity + students are set up for a day of maximum learning * Physical activity gets your brain ready to learn. + Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) is a fundamental component of every daily movement session. * Good health and academic success go hand in hand.
Quotes Apryl: "I learned that if I went for a run in the morning, everything just looked better, like putting on totally different colored glasses for the rest of the day."
Apryl: "You never know what life will bring if you keep following your heart and the decisions that you make."
Apryl: "Our idea was just movement and redefining what people thought of as PE and exercise, that there are all types of ways that we can move our bodies."
Apryl: "I wanted to get everybody moving but just as importantly, I wanted everybody to understand the immediate benefits, not just long term health benefits, that physical activity was having on their energy, their ability to focus, and their moods."
Audrey: "It's so relevant right now because in a lot of schools PE is either getting set aside or cut in time."
Apryl: "It was innovative and wasn't what they were used to seeing PE look like."
Apryl: "The definition of PE is changing. The emphasis is on enjoying fitness-based stuff. It's not a competitive setting, you're setting goals with yourself."
Audrey: "It's a community thing because when you're doing something together and everyone learns the moves, it raises the sense of belonging. So you're not only getting the kids to exercise but you're also getting the kids doing the same thing and if the teachers are doing it with you, they're playing with the kids."
Audrey: "It's awesome on so many levels. Not just the fact that kids are getting their blood pumping and getting some exercise and fulfilling their PE. It can change the whole culture of a school."
Apryl: "It absolutely changes the school's culture. It's absolutely inclusive. Everybody's participating. It's a common language."
Apryl: "Like camp, it's a place where kids feel emotionally safe and that's what this created on the schoolyard."
Apryl: "If we did nothing else but get kids moving every morning, that would be great because you'd have the benefits but to me, that's just the beginning. It's the connectivity that happens."
Apryl: "It's like this pep rally meets line dancing. But it was the positivity that changed the school culture for everybody...If you can create that positive energy at school, it bleeds off the schoolyard and they take it home."
Apryl: "The self-esteem building life skills stuff, that's a; social-emotional learning and that's the crux of PE, in and of itself."
Audrey: "There's so much research telling us that if we all just moved our bodies more, we would feel better, work better."
Audrey: "I really hope the parents or teachers listening will check out your great program and bring it to their schools and start dancing and having fun."
Resources Apryl Krakovsky -- email: apryl@myschoolinmotion.org
View testimonials, curriculum samples, and live program footage at www.MySchoolInMotion.org.
Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John Ratey
Watch the documentary Bite-Size for a compelling look at the child obesity problem.
ActiveSchools.org
Related Advice & Encouragement from Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader
Is Kindness the Secret to a Successful Life?
Ep. 131 Coaching for the Love of the Game
Ep. 125: Transforming Schools with Positivity
Ep. 87: The Impact of Camp Experiences with Laurie Browne, Ph.D.
Show Notes
Hi Friends,
I hope you are staying healthy and somewhat sane during these unbelievably unpredictable and anxiety-inducing times.
Life continues to be completely different from normal, and I'm gathering and sharing resources I think you'll find helpful and encouraging. Below, find notes and photos about what I talked about in this week's episode!
Let me know what's working for you during COVID-19 quarantine! I'd love to share your ideas with our community.
audrey@sunshine-parenting.com
P.S. The picture in this week's title is from 16 years ago. We haven't had any scenes like that in the past two weeks (or the past 14 years) around here!
More to listen to/watch from this past week • Happier in Hollywood Bonus Episode: Parenting & Staying Positive During COVID-19 (My interview with hosts Sarah Fain & Liz Craft).
Advice & Encouragement for Parents of Younger Kids • Creative Learning Ideas for Younger Kids.
Advice & Encouragement for Parents of High Schoolers • Daily Activities Checklist & other Strategies for Working with Your (Now) Homeschooling Teen
Advice & Encouragement for Bringing Camp Home from Ariella Rogge of Sanborn Western Camps • Bringing Camp Home with Ariella Rogge
Advice & Encouragement for Bringing Camp Home from Mike & Mary Endres of Camp Chippewa for Boys • Bringing Camp Home with Mike & Mary Endres
Advice & Encouragement from Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader • Experienced Homeschool Parent Kate Rader
Notes from Episode 133 Things that AREN'T working Focusing I'm finding that I am easily distracted and having trouble focusing on anything that requires a lot of brain power. When I'm reading something, I often need to go back and re-read the paragraph I just read, because the words didn't register.
Planning Ahead Whenever the conversation (or my thoughts) turn to what's going to be happening in a week, or a month, or three months, I realize that none of us knows and it's not productive to think too much beyond today or the next few days.
Overly Ambitious "To Do" Lists Despite there seeming to exist a lot of extra time (no more commute, dropping kids off/picking up, appointments, etc.), the day seems to drift by in a partial fog and I am not getting much done.
Things that ARE working: Lots of Digital Connection I've had a big increase in Zoom Meetings, FaceTime Calls, and Texts, and that's been working for me.
Work group: Morning meeting Monday-Friday at 9am using Google Hangout; Group text message
"Virtual Dinner Party" with friends last Saturday
Advice & Encouragement Series (on Facebook Live) - Connecting, Seeking, & Sharing advice
My Morning Routine/Daily Checklist • Quiet time (Bible reading/journaling with my coffee)
• Making my bed
• Exercising (Peloton plug)
• Showering and getting dressed in clothes (PJ change at 8pm)
Using my normal Planner Daily Family Time • Dinner together & sharing highs & lows
"I miss my friends."
-16 year old's daily low
Other family fun we've tried:
Watched ONWARD (cried!)
A Puzzle:
Working on a 1000-piece 1980s puzzle (only my oldest daughter & I are currently interested in this). The puzzle industry is likely thriving right now. This puzzle is now out of stock due to it's popularity, but I saw some other 80s puzzle when I searched for it again. A friend suggested we start passing puzzles. Perhaps we can leave on front porches, let sit for 24 hours, and spray them down before using? IDK!
Laughing My attempt at helping the cause - sewing a face mask cover.
Auto correct fails
Entertaining videos shared by friends
Advice & Resources I'm finding helpful Laura Vanderkam's Before Breakfast Podcast: Measure the day by task, not time (6 minutes)
On Digital Minimalism & Pandemics, Cal Newport
Quick read. He urges us to check news ONCE per day instead of constant checking & scrolling.
Show notes & links available here.
In this podcast episode, I interview college professor and author Dr. Jennifer Etnier about the importance of having a positive impact on kids when coaching youth sports. Her book, Coaching for the Love of the Game: a Practical Guide for Working with Young Athletes, outlines simple strategies that coaches can use to be sure that a kid's experience is positive, while also promoting sports and continued physical activity. As a sport and exercise psychologist, Jenny works in youth sports alongside athletes, other coaches and is a coaching educator. She is also a parent of two 13-year-old sons and one 15-year-old daughter.
Big Ideas Youth sports are huge!
- More than 20 million children in the U.S. are involved. Their coaches range from professional coaches to casual, part-time coaching volunteers, like parents or former players.
Kids need good coaches.
- Training to be a coach is typically not required or provided and so unfortunately for many kids, their experience in sports can be negative and even harmful.
- We need to ensure that the people who are volunteering to coach have the necessary education to create a positive sports experience for our youth.
- Coaches need to create a climate where it's about each player's personal improvement and not about the outcome. Players should always be treated with respect, compassion, and empathy.
- When coaches aren't positive, kids quit. Statistics show that 70% of kids will drop out of sports before the age of 13. If the experience is bad, they don't want to go back to that sport.
Kids need to be physically active.
- Involvement in sports should be a positive experience. Kids should have fun, develop as individuals, and grow to love the game.
- When kids aren't active in sports, they have a much harder time becoming physically active as adults.
- Studies show that children who exercise during the school day do better on various measures of cognition, memory tests, and problem-solving. Being physically active helps with executive function.
- If kids can't participate in organized sports, especially as they get older, there are other ways to be active. They can hike, run, try a spin class or yoga with friends.
Parents need to be more supportive.
- Active parents are associated with active kids. Making an activity (walks, bike rides, tennis) part of your family routine is a great way to connect with kids and just have fun.
- For the vast majority of kids, the youth sports experience is merely a way for them to be physically active and to socialize, not to become a professional athlete. Out of over 7 million high school athletes, 150,000 will get NCAA scholarships. Of those, 1400 are going to play a sport professionally.
- Our dialogue around youth sports should shift away from scores and winning and instead focus on what the kids learned and how much fun they had.
- Kids want their parents to cheer for everyone at their games. Try to offer praise and empathy and quit being critical.
Quotes Jenny: "I'm passionate about improving the youth sports experience. Instead of trying to help individual coaches solve individual problems...I wrote this book hoping to have a more pervasive positive effect on the sports experience."
Audrey: "A lot of times people get into coaching because they love the sport themselves but they don't really have any training in communicating with kids, developing positive relationships with kids, and some of these important things that really help them create that positive experience."
Audrey: "Sometimes the coaches that people see on TV are not always modeling the practices that great coaches really practice."
Jenny: "'Great coaching' doesn't mean we won state championships. 'Great coaching' means we had an incredibly positive experience and we felt moved toward our potential as athletes and as young people. When I think of a great coach, I'm not thinking of the winningest coach. I'm thinking of the coach that had the biggest, most long-lasting, positive impact on the largest number of kids."
Jenny: "We want (kids) to develop their character, to develop friendships, to learn how to be their best selves in competitive settings and how to deal with victory and defeat. We don't put them out there to be yelled at, to have the pressure of winning. And sometimes we forget that."
Audrey: "Sometimes we get really caught up in scores, test metrics, and all this stuff when in the bigger picture, character development and becoming a fully-formed, happy human being are more important goals."
Audrey: "It's those great coaches who really build kids up, help them learn skills, and develop a love of the game, that end up probably winning more anyway. Because it's the backward path that is actually a better path than threatening, demeaning, and making people feel bad."
Audrey: "Whether you win or lose doesn't really matter. Nobody remembers that game when you were eight years old, but you will remember having a lot of fun with your team and having the pizza party afterward."
Jenny: "If you ask children, they know how to define fun. Fun for them means that the coach cares about me. It means that the coach develops a practice that keeps me active and helps me improve my skills."
Jenny: "It's the coach who makes every kid feel like they're valued and who meets every kid exactly where they are. Your job is to make every one of those children feel like they're the most important player on the team. If you do that, then you're the best coach ever."
Jenny: "The coaches have already demonstrated their commitment to these children. They've already demonstrated their commitment to the sport. Now I think these coaches just need to have in their hands a toolkit that allows them to work effectively with kids to make sure that they all have a positive experience."
Audrey: "The important stuff for me was always being in the van with my friends, going to games and stuff. I loved the social aspects of sports."
Jenny: "In the country of Norway, there's a national policy that says nobody is going to care about keeping score until you're a teenager. Before that, the priorities are safety, friendship, and enjoyment. Actually they're not priorities, they're rights."
Jenny: "Unfortunately, the vast majority of kids in youth sports end up having some negative experience that chases them out of the sport. It's partly this mistaken notion that winning matters."
Audrey: "Exercise and activity are so important for mental health, physical health and just wellbeing in general, our happiness. Organized sports are a good way to get kids regular exercise."
Jenny: "People who are physically active as children have stronger or better self-regulatory skills, which allows them to be better decision-makers. The physical activity behavior sets the stage for more positive choices in terms of a healthy lifestyle."
Audrey: "For adults and kids, getting your heart pumping, a little bit of activity, just clears the cobwebs, makes you better at everything else."
Jenny: "If children are dropping out of youth sports, and we're not offering physical education in the schools to the extent that we used to, and as we all know, the pressures in our society are such that we're becoming increasingly sedentary, then where are they going to be physically active?"
Jenny: "It's almost a public health imperative that we ensure that our youth sports experience is positive because we actually have huge numbers of the kids when they're little but then we don't cherish that opportunity to make sure that they all have a positive experience and stick with it. If we could, if we could crack this nut, it would solve all kinds of challenges that we have in this country."
Jenny: "The best coach is the coach who truly loves those children and values every moment that they have to have an impact on that kid."
Jenny: "If your child is engaged in youth sports, take a minute to ask them, 'When I come to your games, how do you want me to behave? Children say they want parents to be at the game, but they want us to be silent and attentive. If you're going to cheer, then cheer for both teams. Cheer for everybody. Cheer positive feedback to everybody at appropriate times. Offer praise and empathy--that's it."
Jenny: "Parents have got to be supportive. Quit being critical. Quit telling kids what to do. Sit back, relax and enjoy the game. Tell them how much you enjoyed watching them play. And that's it."
Coaching for the Love of the Game More than 45 million children play youth sports in the United States each year, and most are coached by parent volunteers with good intentions but little training. This lack of training and an overemphasis on winning often results in stress and frustration for coaches and players alike, which can discourage young athletes so much that they walk away from sports altogether. With this new guide for amateur parent coaches, Jennifer Etnier, author of Bring Your 'A' Game, aims to change that. Etnier offers a system of positive coaching that can be applied to any sport, from the beginner level to high school athletics, and explains that good coaching requires working with young athletes at their developmental level and providing feedback designed to keep children engaged and having fun.
Etnier gives easy-to-understand guidance on important aspects of successful coaching—including information on the development of children's motor skills, communication with a young athlete's parents, and nurturing a growth-oriented mindset—making this a critical resource for youth coaches of all experience levels.
About Dr. Etnier Dr. Etnier’s research focuses on the cognitive benefits of physical activity. She is a Fellow of the American College of Sports Medicine and the National Academy of Kinesiology (FNAK# 525) and has received the Health and Human Performance Teaching Award, UNCG Alumni Teaching Excellence Award, School of Health and Human Sciences Teaching Excellence Award, School of Health and Human Sciences Graduate Mentoring Award, and the UNCG Graduate School´s Outstanding Faculty Mentor Award. Dr. Etnier is Member-at-Large of NAK and a member of five editorial boards for peer-reviewed journals. She was formerly the President of the North American Society for the Psychology of Sport and Physical Activity and Editor of the Journal of Aging and Physical Activity. She is the principal investigator of the Physical Activity and Alzheimer’s Disease 2 study (PAAD-2). To learn more, go to Go.UNCG.edu/PAAD2. Dr. Etnier has also written two books for the lay public titled Bring Your ‘A’ Game and Coaching for the Love of the Game.
Coaching for the Love of the Game by Jennifer L. Etnier, Ph.D. Official Trailer
JENNY ETNIER, PH.D.
Julia Taylor Morton Distinguished Professor
262 Coleman
jletnier@uncg.edu UNC Press site
Resources Aspen Institute - Project Play
Norway's Policy - Children's Rights in Sport
Being Your Kid’s Social Skills “Coach”
Related Ep. 25: Sports Camps and Competitive Athletics with Susan Reeder and Steve Proulx
Is Your Child’s Sport Their Passion or Yours?
Ep. 44: #RaisingAthletes with Kirsten Jones
Ep. 24: The Danish Way of Parenting with Jessica Alexander
Ep. 78: The Danish Way of Parenting (Part 2)
Ep. 84: The Book of Mistakes with Skip Prichard
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, my friend Sara Kuljis and I are back together talking about uncluttering our schedules and our homes. Sara and her husband Steve Kuljis are the owners and directors of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara is also a certified Gallup Strengths Coach. Sara and I have been friends for two decades, and she has been a regular guest on the podcast talking in past episodes about strengths, sibling conflicts & relationships, gratitude, how to compliment our kids, grit, and more. Together we also do a live parenting workshop.
Big Ideas Uncluttering our Schedules Look back at past events that family members enjoyed and identify what was special about those experiences to help you determine what your family values.
Talk about people or families you admire and why you admire them. Use their example to inspire your family's values or actions.
Look at your calendar of activities to see which ones support your values. Note where the gaps of downtime are so that you can make time for activities that move your values forward.
Consider using the values worksheet to assess what you value most individually or as a family. If your kids are younger, select one or two to focus on for a season or year.
Some questions to consider:
What are our family values?
What are the things we hope our family is known for? Try to identify two 0r three characteristics or values you'd like to be hallmarks of your family.
What are qualities we want to develop?
If you want to do a deeper dive into your family values, consider downloading Sara's Family Pace & Space worksheet (also available in the resource section of Happy Campers).
Consider coming up with a short family motto or song that represents something that's important to you. One of Audrey's favorites that she put on a poster photo of her kids was from Lee Brice's song Love Like Crazy:
*Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you*
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy Uncluttering our Homes Involve the whole family in a decluttering project!
Decide together where to donate any used items in good condition. Keep the time short and model how to give things away and clean out your spaces. Consider using something like Amazon's givebackbox to make it easy to donate.
Quotes Audrey: "Life is so busy and chaotic and so we have to be really intentional about making it not that way."
Audrey: "Spring is a time when it is starting to get warmer, flowers are blooming outside and it always feels kind of like a fresh start. We can think of this as our psychological spring cleaning."
Sara: "When our schedules are so packed and our children are racing from one thing to the next, it is really hard--perhaps even impossible--to be the parent we want to be, the spouse we want to be, the family we want to be. That's because we love others slowly, not quickly. We serve each other slowly, not quickly. We empathize slowly, not quickly. Some of the best things in life have to be slowed down enough to do well."
Sara: "At summer camp, we have kids show up and they're just exhausted. They've had no downtime, no unorganized playtime, no just hanging out with mom and dad time. They are as exhausted as I am after a heavy-duty month of work and that is not our best space in which to grow and learn and thrive."
Sara: "What are our family values? What are the things our family stands on? What do we hope our family is known for? What are the qualities that we honestly want our kids to be learning? There are a number of amazing values that we can build into our family culture if we do it intentionally and involve everybody. Identify two or three values that are going to be the hallmarks of your family."
Audrey: "Businesses have taglines or vision statements. It's kind of fun to think about what your family's motto could be."
Sara: "It's helpful to look at the calendar of a given week or month together and look at the balance of activities. Mark the ones that match your values. It's scary to realize that only one thing our family did actually supported that value. All the rest were very busy and demanding things, but they didn't actually help move our family along in that value. That indicates our activities are not reflecting our values."
Sara: "Sometimes we, as parents, in our anxiousness for our kids to be successful adults, add activities to our kids' schedule like extra tutors, extra club sports, and very academic, achievement-focused activities and we're overlooking those activities that actually build character and the human being parts of them that are the real things that create future success, healthy relationships, strong communities, sense of identity and self-confidence."
Audrey: "I always thought the service/volunteering things we do need to be grand gestures, but a lot of times what our kids will remember might be more of the simple gestures."
Sara: "Most things aren't grand. Most of life is every day. So how do we make these things an everyday moment?"
Sara: "I would urge us not to add anything to our schedule unless we cut something out. That's just more stress, more anxiety, more feeling overwhelmed."
Sara: "Decluttering is skill we can teach our children. It's way more fun to declutter together than all by yourself. Consider spending even only an hour and inviting your kids to help choose something to declutter."
Audrey: "If we just take 30 minutes and each person picks what thing they are going to organize and together come up with one bag to donate or declutter the house, it would really move the needle and make your home feel less cluttered."
Audrey: "I'm a believer that outer order leads to inner calm and so I think this is a great practice."
Resources/Related Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space with Sara & Audrey
Ep. 108: Simple Acts of Giving Back with Natalie Silverstein
Does our Family’s Schedule Reflect our Values?
Ep. 120: Family Traditions & Rituals
Getting Organized
Gretchen Rubin book, Outer Order Inner Calm
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm talking to Steve Baskin about raising strong, anti-fragile kids. Steve and his wife, Susie, are the owners and directors of Camp Champions in Marble Falls, Texas. For over 27 years, Steve has studied the camp experience and how to make it the best possible growth opportunity for kids. In his new essay, A Manifesto to Strength (published below for the first time) and in this interview, Steve shares his thoughts on what we can do as parents to raise kids who aren't so fragile.
Big Ideas * The summer camp experience offers kids so many benefits and opportunities for education and development. * Avoid over-parenting and preparing the road for your child. Instead, prepare your child for the road by doing less for them as they get older. * Kids who are allowed to experience life's ups and downs, learn to advocate for themselves and who learn from their mistakes are more equipped for adulthood. * Protecting kids from discomfort is not the same thing as protecting our kids from danger. It does more harm than good in the long run. * Camp is a powerful place to build internal strength. * Resilience means you are worse after a challenge, whereas if we are anti-fragile, we should emerge from a challenging situation stronger. An example is a child who overcomes homesickness at summer camp and then has an easier time going away from home when it's time for college. * It can be hard for parents to see their kids for the age they truly are. Instead, they see the "weighted average of all their memories."
Quotes Audrey: "We have a lot in common in that we take this camp thing very seriously and are always thinking about how we can better deliver the social-emotional life skills growth that kids need at camp."
Steve: "One of the things I began to see early on was over-parenting, first the helicopter parenting and then the snowplow or lawnmower parenting. One is watching your child's emotion and then trying to manage your child's experience and prepare the road for your child, instead of your child for the road, and I saw that as problematic."
Steve: "We joke that we have a rule of parenting through laziness. If you think your child can do it, let them. If you suspect they might be able to do it, let them. If you think there's an off-chance, let them."
Steve: "College campuses are responding to what they're getting. I think the horse is already out of the barn. The kids get there and they have had their parents get on the phone and talk to the teachers. They've had parents adjudicate their friendships. They've had their college applications coauthored. They've been used to having someone say, 'If it's too much for you, sweetheart, your mom and dad are here, we're going to protect you. And it sends a really deleterious signal."
Steve: "It's one of the saddest ironies that we, in our unbelievably, almost overwhelming love of our children and in an attempt to create some sort of advantage for them, we're baking in longterm disadvantage."
Steve: "We think we need to protect our children. And the answer to that is yes, of course, from starvation and moving cars and juggling chainsaws. There are things that are legitimately dangerous. But we are not there to protect them from any discomfort or any pain or any sadness. What we need to do is not protect but prepare."
Steve: "When you're handed that delicate baby on day one, you'd better be in the protect and provide business. You'll make sure they're not hurt and they're fed. But every day after that, we ought to be protecting and providing just a little bit less and preparing a little bit more."
Steve: "There's a general parenting trend that equates protection from discomfort with protection from danger and it makes loving parents create fragile children."
Audrey: "In general, the kids we see at our camps are less fragile than the general population. Parents who are willing to let their kids go to camp are already ahead of the game."
Steve: "Parents tend to think in binary terms: I don't want a fragile child; I want a resilient child. And that misses a third, much more ambitious and exciting axis. Fragile is what happens if you drop a crystal glass on the ground. It breaks. If you drop a Solo cup, nothing happens. It's not better, it's not worse. It's the same. It's resilient. Anti-fragile is something that, when exposed to stress, challenge or difficulty, actually becomes stronger. So your immune system is anti-fragile. You get exposed to a disease and you're less likely to get it in the future."
Steve: "We need to experience challenges and get through them to know that we're capable of it and just to build those psychic muscles."
Steve: "I want (kids) to fail at something and then know through perseverance and try, try again that they can overcome that failure."
Audrey: "(When kids forget their homework) people overestimate the importance of grades and underestimate the importance of getting the zero and realizing that the world doesn't end. And remembering it the next day."
Steve: "We want our children to avoid any short term discomfort but at the cost of long term capability."
Steve: "I'd rather have kids think the world is an adventure and know that everything's not going to be perfect. If you constantly send a (fearful) message, you make fragile children who are scared of the world. When it comes time for them to go into the workplace or go into college or go do something bold and exciting, they're going into a world that's scary. They're going into a world that they're not prepared for."
Audrey: "Some parents have almost zero risk tolerance. They'll think about all the things that could possibly go wrong instead of all the learning and growth that could go right."
Audrey: "We have a lot of fears that are unfounded. We've been inundated with scary, sad stories in the media but the chances of those happening to your child are very small."
Steve: "My struggle with social media is that it has hacked our evolutionary wiring in the same way that Haagen Daaz or Pringles have hacked our wiring for fats, sugars, and salts so that we won't eat foods we were evolved to want. We want human connection. I think that Snapchat is to human connection what Pringles is to nutrition. It feels almost like food, and then you do a whole lot of it and you feel bad afterward."
Audrey: "Teach them to be discerning. It's not like you send them out with no guidance...We're showing them, we're watching them do it, we're feeling comfortable with them doing it and then we're letting them do it."
Steve: "If a parent were to say, 'What can I do?' my first answer is always, 'Less.'"
Steve: "Always work off the assumption that they're okay. 'You've got this, I believe in you. You're strong.'"
A Manifesto to Strength by Steve Baskin In recent years, we have read a great deal about grit and resilience.
We have also seen studies about emotional fragility in our young people. Even beyond the studies, I have personally seen a rise in young people (often first-time campers) who struggle with overcoming adversity and bouncing back from failure.
But we know that life will have its challenges. Our children will experience failures. They will experience loss and potentially even tragedy.
I can think of no greater task as a parent or an educator than to help prepare our children to overcome these future struggles.
But in order to do so, we must face an important realization.
Doing so will be hard for us.
As parents, we want to protect our children from dangers and hardships. Our desire to protect them from real threats can also lead us to going too far. In our love, we can find ourselves striving to protect them from discomfort, embarrassment, sadness, or boredom. Their pain or discomfort becomes ours and we often do everything we can to eliminate it.
But this does not serve them. Our children need to learn how to cope with disappointment, heartache, sadness, and failure. They need to learn how to deal with an awkward social situation and social break-ups. We should not be absent: we should be there to let them know that we have experienced similar challenges and that we are available to help them.
But we need to let them have these experiences themselves now. Learning to cope with challenge is like developing resistance to diseases. You become better at it through exposure to the challenges. Children are “anti-fragile”, which is to say that they become more capable through challenge. [I recently wrote an article explicitly on this topic.]
I share this because it deeply influences how camp benefits your child.
We want camp to be full of friendships, laughter, fun, and activities. But we also know it is a powerful place to build internal strength. I use “strength” rather than “resilience” for a reason. “Resilience” simply means that you are no worse after a challenge. If we are indeed anti-fragile, we should emerge from a challenging situation stronger. With that in mind, I hope some of the following happens to every camper:
- They are homesick and overcome it so that they will know they can thrive outside of their parents’ shadows. This will be critical when they go to college.
- They have a heated dispute with a friend, are upset, and eventually, find a resolution.
- They try something new and fail. And fail a few more times. And then succeed through perseverance.
- They try something and fail without an eventual triumph. We will not always win or succeed. Children should know that they can survive those situations, too.
I want counselors to be there to support our campers after these challenges, but not to prevent them from ever happening.
One of the odd gifts of camp is that it is fun and joyful enough to allow these growth moments to happen and still feel like a positive experience.
I once thought that the challenges (homesickness, cabin squabbles, struggles to learn a new skill) were the price you paid for the joys. As the cliché says, “No pain, no gain.” “Into every life, some rain must fall.”
But now I know that the pain IS the gain. These challenges and struggles are building capabilities and capacities in your child that will bear fruit later in life. When other 18 year-olds are suffering from homesickness as college Freshmen, your child will be there to comfort them. When a friend gets fired from a job or suffers from a break-up, your child will understand the disappointment and provide empathy. And when your child has his or her own troubles, they will know they have overcome issues in the past.
Here’s to strong children!
Steve Sir
About Steve Baskin Steve Baskin is the executive director of the boys’ side of Camp Champions. In addition, he is a partner at Camp Pinnacle and Everwood Day Camp.
Steve is a lifelong camper. He first attended camp when he was 8 and he continued for 11 years. In his years as a camper and a counselor, he discovered the power of the camp experience to develop confidence, social skills, and joy.
He even wrote about camp in his college applications as one of the defining experiences of his life. After graduating with honors from Davidson College, he got off the camp track for a few years during which he was an investment banker with Goldman Sachs in New York and Simmons & Company in Houston. He then went to Harvard Business School, where he decided to pursue his true passion: summer camp. He and Susie have been full-time camp owners since 1993. Steve is lucky to have the pleasure of partnering with his wife (and best friend) and raising their 4 kids.
Steve has been featured in articles in the Wall Street Journal, American Way magazine, the Houston Chronicle and the Austin-American Statesman. He has written for Psychology Today on youth development, education, and parenting. Steve chaired the Tri-State Camp Conference (the largest camp conference in the world) from 2008-2010. In 2009, he received the National Service Award from the American Camp Association(ACA). In 2010, he was appointed Treasurer of the ACA and serves on its Executive Committee and on the National Board. He is currently the chair of the American Camping Foundation.
In 2013, Steve was asked to speak at his 20th Harvard reunion as an expert on parenting.
WATCH STEVE’S HARVARD TALK: PLAY ►
About Camp Champions Camp Champions is a 2-3 week overnight camp in Marble Falls, Texas for girls and boys. It is on beautiful Lake LBJ and offers over 50 different activities. They are all about the 4 Rs: respect, responsibility, reaching out to others and taking reasonable risks.
Resources Campchampions.com
Julie Lythcott-Haim's Ted Talk, How to Raise Successful Kids without over-parenting
Related Ep. 128: “America’s Worst Mom” Lenore Skenazy talks about Letting our Kids Grow
Ep. 101: Entitlemania with Richard Watts
5 Steps to Raising a Problem Solver
5 Ways Camp Grows Grit
Be a Better Parent by Doing Less
Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids
Ep. 85: Grit is Grown Outside the Comfort Zone (PEGtalk)
In this episode, I'm joined by my good friend and longtime camp industry colleague, Brooke Cheley-Klebe. Both of us have three daughters, so we've had a lot of discussion over the years about raising girls. In this episode, Brooke and I talk about how she stays close to her daughters, currently ages 14, 11, and 7. She has many insights both as a mom and from her 25 years working with campers and staff at Cheley Colorado Camps.
Parenting girls today is more challenging than ever. We can all use new ideas and insights, and Brooke has some simple strategies to stay close to her girls.
- Parents and caregivers can help their daughters become thriving adults by focusing on our connection and relationship with our daughters.
- Show up in those little moments, such as having breakfast together, bedtime, driving in the car. Make eye contact, and connect.
- Rituals--especially around bedtime--are important anchors in your relationship with your children.
- Help girls understand that they're enough just the way they are. It's more important to be authentic than perfect.
- Teach them about practicing a growth mindset and model positive self-talk.
- In conversations, connect with fun questions that focus on their thoughts and feelings rather than their achievements, like grades and scores.
- Practices like meditation, setting intentions, being present and expressing gratitude, help to create an environment where kids, especially our daughters, thrive.
- Find hobbies, fun things to do so that our kids can see us enjoying life.
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm speaking with Niki Spears, the co-founder of the Energy Bus for Schools Leadership Journey. She started this organization to bring the positive messages of Jon Gordon's book, The Energy Bus, to schools everywhere. Niki has spent over 15 years working in education. Once an elementary school principal, she now works full time as a teacher educator and change leader.
Big Ideas * Educators have the power to transform the culture of their schools and create an environment kids love with amazing, positive energy. * Research clearly shows that culture and leadership greatly influence a school’s learning environment and students’ academic success. * Bringing the principles from The Energy Bus to life in schools has helped transform the culture in classrooms around the country. * A key principle taught is that you're the driver of your bus. Your attitude will help you to control the outcome. * Giving students the opportunity to understand the power of choice is important. Start early by offering them options so they get to practice making decisions. * People can learn to choose their responses in difficult situations. * Ask kids to think about what brings them joy or write down what they are grateful for so that they learn ways to overcome negative thinking. * Parents and educators can read The Energy Bus for Kids with their children. It's a story about the importance of positivity and transforming your mindset. * It is helpful for parents to share with their children how they stay positive at home and at work and model positivity. * Positive school climates are linked to increased high school graduation rates, turnarounds in low-performing schools, reduced school violence, and increased communication among students, families, and faculty. * The Energy Bus program is now in over 150 schools across the country--and growing!
Audrey & Niki at The Energy Bus training, 2017.
Quotes Niki: "The positivity is truly contagious. What you focus on, you get more of, so when you focus on the positive, more of that flows into your life."
Niki: "You're responsible for your own happiness and no one else is going to make you happy."
Niki: "Our teachers have to understand that they are the leaders of their lives. A lot of times, teachers feel as if they are the victims. That's how society makes us feel sometimes. I want teachers to understand and remember that this was their choice to become an educator."
Audrey: "What's amazing about your whole program--and the whole book--is that it trickles down. You're teaching the teachers this concept and once they've taken it in, they're passing it along to the kids."
Audrey: "I love that this training is not just some kind of esoteric concept for teachers, but it's so immediately applicable at the school."
Niki: "If we want to see magic take place in the classroom, we need to address the elephant in the room, which is adult behavior."
Niki: "I know our jobs are challenging, but if we have a positive attitude going in, then that positivity will definitely trickle down to our students who need us to be present for them."
Audrey: "Teachers need this training because you can't just depend on a school administrator to solve an issue that's about a culture."
Niki: "We can't control the events, but we can control our response to the things that happen to us."
Niki: "If they take that time to pause and think about their choices, they are becoming empowered and they're sitting in the driver's seat now, as well."
Niki: "It's not all about one person being in control, but it's about empowering people to understand that they are in charge of their thoughts, actions, and results."
Niki: "At one of our schools in Texas, when we walked in they were playing music, the kids were greeting each other in the hallways, they're dancing, and you could tell the staff loved being there. It was a fun place to be that day. Every school should have this kind of energy."
Niki: "You do have a choice about how you look at a situation and about whether or not you're going to adopt a belief."
Niki: "When we conduct training, people come up with their own strategies. They collaborate. We teach them the principles and they decide how to teach that principle to their students. It's amazing what happens when you empower people to do that."
Niki: "If you're not in the driver's seat, nothing is going to happen. I talk a lot about taking 100% responsibility. There's so much power in taking responsibility. When we blame and complain, the only thing we are doing is keeping up the drama. Your bus is stuck in the mud."
Niki: "Love your passengers. In schools, we talk a lot about bullying and what happens when we have anti-bullying campaigns is more incidents of bullying because you just reinforced bullying. So if we reinforce kindness and love in our schools, we see more of that."
Audrey: "When you tell kids what not to do, all they hear sometimes is what's at the end of the sentence. So instead of, 'No diving' we say, 'Jump in feet first.'"
Audrey: "I think so often adults don't really treat kids with the respect they deserve. They're people, they're humans with feelings and thoughts. And if they're not behaving appropriately, we need to get curious about why that is happening. It might be because they're not feeling loved and respected where they are."
Niki: "Each person comes into a building with their own personal culture. And so it's up to us to talk about what we share, what we have in common. It's important to talk about our mission, our vision, and to share that with students so that they can align their behaviors with where we want to go."
Audrey: "It's the power you have if you're the teacher, if you're the adult in the classroom, in the cabin group. If you're the adult, you have a tremendous ability to create this amazing positive culture for your students, your campers."
Niki: "Every teacher needs a lot of tools in their toolkit. They have to see themselves as 'edutainers' because you have to engage kids to keep their attention."
Resources @NikiSpears4
@EnergyBusSchools
Join the Journey!
Jon Gordon’s Blog
Print out bus tickets
10 Rules for the ride of your life
Related The Energy Bus: 10 Rules to Fuel Your Life, Work, and Team with Positive Energy, Jon Gordon
Hop on The Energy Bus!
Ep. 58: Authentic Teaching with Jackie Beyer
The Power of Positive Words
10 Fun Ways Teachers Can Help Kids Connect with Other Kids
Happiness Habits
More pics from Niki's visit to camp in 2017:
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm talking about my theme for this month: Connection!
All month long, my posts and podcast episodes are centered around this topic, and it's one that I feel is critically important to raising thriving kids. In fact, the first chapter of my book Happy Campers (Secret #1) is Connection comes first.
6 Tips for Creating Connection #1 Ask good questions. As Chris Thurber shared in last week's episode (Ep. 122: How to Connect with Your Teen with Chris Thurber), Parents often ask kids questions about school and sports - questions that focus on their achievements - instead of questions that are more about them as a person.
Use my Questions for Connection download (below) for 50 questions that can help spur deeper conversations with your kids. These kinds of questions show your child that you care about them, and you're interested in their thoughts and feelings.
Don't forget to ask follow up questions. If they share about a topic, circling back to that, even a day or a week later shows that you were really listening and cared about what they shared.
#2 Give kids your full attention. As little as 5 minutes a day giving your child your full attention will make a big difference. It might be easiest to have this be at the same time every day so that it becomes a habit, such as at bedtime. Kids need our full, undivided, undistracted attention for at least a few minutes every day.
#3 Listen & Empathize Listen and empathize, instead of trying to solve their problems for them. When parents do less preaching and teaching and just show up for their kids, it builds trust and confidence. Make sure kids know that we're on their team and we're with them whether or not they've made a mistake, gotten a bad grade, or are having some kind of problem.
#4 Have a daily sharing practice. Sharing can be any time of day and in any format. When we look for good things in our daily lives we tend to be more positive and our wellbeing increases overall. Start by sharing one good thing that happened--or three.
#5 Write a heartfelt sticky note Use one of my Sticky Note Solutions to connect with your kids. Leave an encouraging note on their bathroom mirror, on their pillow, or in their lunch box. Tell your child something you really appreciate about them and something that's an inner quality or what we call a Level 3 affirmation.
#6 Use their "Love Language" Find out what your child's love language is and show them you care by giving small gifts, acts of service, quality time, positive compliments, or affection. Even though we can all appreciate any kind or loving gesture, there are certain ways that we feel most connected with other people. Kids really enjoy it when we speak their love language.
Big Ideas Creating a close and connected family culture that promotes positive, lifelong relationships is the most important thing we can do for our children.
Forming a positive, nurturing relationship with your child will help ensure your child’s future happiness and success in all areas of life.
Feeling appreciated and accepted for who they are, and knowing that parental love is not conditional on performance, is critical to your child’s well-being.
Our kids need to clearly get the message of belonging at home: “You are valued and needed here.”
Quotes Audrey: "You can really develop a close bond with someone when you just take the time to ask good questions and then listen intently to their response."
Audrey: "When I'm talking to campers at camp about being a good friend, I share with them that asking questions is a great way to get to know people better and to get closer with your friends. And then really listening to their response and asking followup questions about their answers is like the next level."
Audrey: "I think that full attention is something that is really rare these days. We're all so distracted that to give someone our full, focused attention takes intention."
Audrey: "Attention means really not just not having any distractions present, but clearing your mind and being just really mindfully present with your child."
Audrey: "When our children come to us with their latest kind of issue, challenge, problem, instead of jumping in with our advice and insight and wisdom, take a deep breath, let a little pause happen in the conversation and then say something empathetic."
Audrey: "That's probably the key to so many relationships. Instead of offering our advice and wisdom, just offer our empathy and our connection and being there for them."
Audrey: "I do encourage some kind of daily sharing habit, whether it's just between you and your child or your whole family. It really does improve your connection and it also improves your child's communication skills because they're both sharing with others and they're listening and learning to hopefully ask followup questions and be more aware of what's going on with other people as well."
Audrey: "Sometimes in the day to day life, we're so caught up and keeping things moving forward that I feel like especially when my kids were younger, I spent a lot of time just kind of nagging them. It was so much about logistics was a lot of our conversation, so it wasn't really a very connected feeling."
Audrey: "If you know your child has been really busy at school and regularly has been so great about doing their chores, but you step in and do it for them and say, 'Hey, thanks so much for working so hard at home. I wanted to give you a little lighter load today so I folded your laundry for you.' That would go a long way in just letting your child know how much you care about them."
Resources / Related Posts & Podcasts Connection Through Questions
Arthur Aron's 36 questions
Ep. 122: How to Connect with Your Teen with Chris Thurber
Ep. 121: The Power of Showing Up with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Giving Kids Our Full Attention
11 Ways to Help Kids Create REAL Connections
Ep. 116: Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm chatting with Dr. Chris Thurber, a legendary trainer in the camp industry and a clinical psychologist who works at Phillips Exeter Academy, about how important it for parents to connect with their teens. Chris has developed online training programs for educators and youth leaders around the world and many of the best practices and concepts he teaches apply to parents. We also discuss how the skills kids learn at camp can help them to thrive in life.
Big Ideas * Even one summer working at a summer camp can be so valuable for the experience gained and training in relational, leadership, and communication skills. * Much of the training camp counselors receive is helpful for teachers and parents. + Thurber's Tic-Tac advice: Expend as little energy as possible, “no more energy than a Tic-Tac.” Take a break from lecturing or nagging and instead use the low-energy responses of a look, a point, or just saying the child’s name. * In our society today, it is harder than ever to be an adolescent. One big reason is the competitiveness of education. Colleges are getting more applications from students around the world as high school graduation rates continue to climb. * Parents and students should consider alternatives to college such as apprenticeships and vocational training. * Parents need to have more conversations with their kids--girls and especially boys--about their emotions. Expressing empathy helps to alleviate the pressure that kids are feeling these days. When parents minimize or downplay their feelings, kids do not feel connected.
Quotes: Chris: "The reason I think Happy Campers is a brilliant book is you've taken the lessons that we get to practice in a very intense way as camp professionals for, you know, seven, eight, nine weeks with constant feedback about whether it works or not. And I don't mean that kids were filling our questionnaires. I mean, they're either listening or they're not, or they're being compliant or they're not...It's a wonderful laboratory and classroom for parenting."
Chris: "We have an untapped resource in a sense at camp. Everyone who is lucky enough to be a staff member at a camp is going to be that much better as a parent. The rest of the world can benefit from what we've understood about child development and behavior management, leadership, supervision, physical and emotional safety."
Chris: "Instead of having high school graduates who are excited about going to college or university, they're starting to feel the pressure, even in elementary school or early middle school, to set themselves apart from the crowd, to develop a unique talent, to begin preparing their resume for college."
Chris: "It's creating a tremendous amount of pressure for adolescents and that's a problem. They're more anxious, more depressed. It's taking an emotional toll. Also, we're not thinking creatively as adults about education broadly construed. You don't necessarily need a college degree."
Chris: "Apprenticeship is the model we use at summer camp. We have younger leaders apprenticing with older leaders or younger counselors with older counselors so you're learning on the job. We should be applying that to more things."
Chris: "It's awesome if you get a bachelor's degree in English literature or physics or computer science, but not everyone wants that, needs that or has that as a career path. And I think we have, as a society, fallen victim to the perceived prestige of a college or university degree and completely overlooked expanded opportunities for vocational training and apprenticeships."
Audrey: "You know that what makes a thriving adult is not a test score or even a degree from us particular place. It's these character traits and these interpersonal skills and this emotional depth and all these things that actually can be counter to when we're so focused on these specific metrics."
Audrey: "What do you want to be building and growing in yourself and in the kids you work with? You want people who are going to be great friends, who are going to stop and help someone who needs help. When you're so busy climbing your way up to something, you make decisions and sometimes you're not your best self."
Chris: "I recommend camp because it's the ideal complement to a traditional or non-traditional classroom setting. You take kids from being mostly inside and bring them outside. You take kids from mostly sitting to mostly running around. You take kids from doing things that have a lot of numbers, quantitative marks associated with them and put them in less structured, less evaluative circumstances."
Chris: "It's a way of stretching your brain and building resilience that will not only relieve stress and boost your mood, but also make you more resilient to future challenges. Camp is not the panacea, but it's a huge part of robust youth development."
Chris: "Ask better questions. Students here, like students at a lot of schools, are really sick of parents asking, what were your grades? Or if we want to steer clear of performance markers, what'd you do today? How was school? Those are well-intentioned questions. They're benign but they're not nurturing a relationship."
Chris: "There are many students here with wonderful relationships with their parents. And I think a big key to that is taking an interest in your child as a person and how are they unique and how are they evolving, developing rather than continuing to try to fit them into some mold."
Chris: "Kids need, people need room to be creative and be themselves. I want parents to encourage, to say that it's okay, who knows what it will lead to, but it doesn't need to lead to anything if it feeds your soul. The most authentically happy people in the world are the ones who tap into one of their signature strengths in service to other people."
Audrey: "I think there's a lot of value in adults and parents showing kids what it's like to tap into those things even if it's different. If they see you doing something you enjoy, they learn that adults do things they enjoy and they're having fun and they meet other friends that way. So that modeling is really important."
Chris: "Model this kind of humility and show your kids, not tell them, how to live. Show them what it is to balance work and play and sleep and get a little exercise and model what it's like to bounce back from failure. If you say something that you realize didn't have the intended effect or was the wrong thing to say, don't move on and pretend like nobody heard it. Talk about it, fix it. If you're enraged, that's not the time to debrief it, but you can always circle back."
Chris: "Talk with your kids about what your vulnerabilities are. It's such an important thing to be able to do. For well-intentioned parents who make missteps, you shouldn't view your kids as fragile. They can bounce back from something you said or didn't say or forgot. They need to see you trying hard. They need to see you learning from mistakes."
Chris: "Provide empathy but when you get to the end of your empathic statements, full stop, let it sink in. Let your kid respond. Let them just process the fact that you acknowledged some of the dimensions of their emotional experience. We are all tempted to immediately follow our empathic statement with problem-solving. But when someone is in distress, whether it's they didn't like the news they heard from a college or the grade they got on a test or the fact that you know their significant other just broke up with him by text message, or whatever it might be, they don't want to hear the solution right now and they probably know what the solution is anyway."
About Dr. Chris Thurber Dr. Christopher Thurber enjoys creating and sharing original content for business leaders, independent educators, and youth development professionals. He is a board-certified clinical psychologist, educator, author, and father. Chris earned his BA from Harvard University in 1991 and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from UCLA in 1997.
A dedicated teacher from a young age, Chris has more than 30 years of experience working with camps and independent schools. He has written numerous book chapters and scholarly articles on leadership, homesickness, and youth development. An award-winning contributor to Camping Magazine and Camp Business, Chris has also shared his opinions and expertise on national and international radio, television, print media, podcasts, and webinars, including The Today Show, Martha Stewart, and CNN.
In 1999, after a two-year post-doctoral fellowship at the University of Washington School of Medicine, Chris accepted a position as psychologist and instructor at Phillips Exeter Academy, a coeducational, independent school in seacoast New Hampshire. Combining his love of research, teaching, and clinical work, Chris’s work at Exeter has grown to include publications and presentations for The Association of Boarding Schools (TABS) the British Boarding Schools Association (BSA) and the Australian Boarding Schools Association (ABSA).
Chris has keynoted conferences for all three associations and has delivered guest lectures on the differences between Chinese and American public education, as well as the complementary nature of schools and camps at schools in Beijing, Shanghai, Hangzhou, and Wenzhou.
In 2000, Chris and his lifelong friend, Dr. Jon Malinowski, co-authored the critically acclaimed *Summer Camp Handbook*, hailed by psychologist and parent, Dr. John Weisz, as “a remarkable accomplishment…the best in its field…required reading for every camper’s family…the most comprehensive and scientifically sound coverage of the camp experience available.”
The Summer Camp Handbook has since sold tens of thousands of copies, won a Parenting Press Gold Award, and been translated into Chinese. As part of his lifelong effort to enhance the camp experience for young people, Chris has been a guest on The Today Show, Martha Stewart, CNN, Fox, CBS Morning News, and NPR.
Chris is the Founder and CEO of CampSpirit, LLC, which provides consultation and training to professional educators and youth leaders around the world. As he traveled across five continents to present in-person staff training workshops, Chris realized that no directors of summer youth programs had enough time with their employees to provide all the necessary training prior to opening day. The increased complexity of health regulations and accreditation standards, as well as heightened awareness of child abuse and risk management, made training demands higher than ever, especially for seasonal employees and volunteers. But with a fixed period of time during which to conduct on-site training, an innovative educational solution was imperative.
Resources Mentioned Chris Thurber Prep4Camp.com
Expert Online Training
David Brook's Road to Character
Bill Pollack's Real Boys
Michael Thompson
Related Posts/Podcasts Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever
Ep. 89: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men with Michael Reichert, Ph.D.
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Ep. 32: 10 Benefits of Summer Camp for Teens
Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
11 Ways to Help Kids Create REAL Connections
Show notes & links available here.
Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is one of my favorite people. She's a psychotherapist, founder and executive director of the Center for Connection in Pasadena, California, and co-author with Dr. Daniel Siegel of four of my favorite books, including her most recent one (out on January 7, 2020): The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become And How Their Brains Get Wired.
Over the past several years, I've had the privilege of getting to know Tina not just as an amazing speaker and author but as a phenomenal person and friend. She even wrote the foreword for my book, Happy Campers!
In The Power of Showing Up, Tina and Dan share important research and findings about childhood attachment and how being present for our kids is so vital for their healthy development. This book is helpful not only for parents but also for adults who want to better understand how their own childhoods impact their adult relationships and how to change generational patterns of insecure attachment.
Big Ideas * One of the best predictors for how well kids turn out is that they have a secure attachment with at least one person. * As discussed in the conclusion of the Whole Brain Child, the most important thing a parent can do is to show up and really be present for their children, helping them build secure attachments. * Showing up means offering a quality of presence. And it’s simple to provide once you understand the four building blocks of a child’s healthy development. * Every child needs to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the Four S’s: + Safe: We can’t always insulate a child from injury or avoid doing something that leads to hurt feelings. But when we give a child a sense of safe harbor, she will be able to take the needed risks for growth and change. + Seen: Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to his emotions—both positive and negative—and strive to attune to what’s happening in his mind beneath his behavior. + Soothed: Soothing isn’t about providing a life of ease; it’s about teaching your child how to cope when life gets hard, and showing him that you’ll be there with him along the way. A soothed child knows that he’ll never have to suffer alone. + Secure: When a child knows she can count on you, time and again, to show up—when you reliably provide safety, focus on seeing her, and soothe her in times of need, she will trust in a feeling of secure attachment. And thrive! * There are 4 different types of childhood attachment based on parenting patterns: + Abusive, frightening parenting leads to disorganized attachment. + Avoidant attachment results when parents avoid dealing with the emotional needs of a child. Intimacy is lacking and parents are not tuned into the internal world. This type of parenting results in children who shut down emotionally and they grow up to also have this dismissive pattern. + The anxious parent is really unpredictable or even intrusive. The parent's emotions take over and flood into what's happening. This results in clingy, unpredictable behavior and ambivalent attachment. + The "Good Enough" parent is one who shows up when needed. This secure, optimal attachment pattern can be full of ruptures and mistakes as long as reparations are made with kids. They get the message: "You're safe. I'm with you. We'll figure it out together." * When kids feel safe, seen and soothed most of the time, their brains are wired to securely know that if they're having a hard time or in distress, someone will see it and show up for them. * Repeated kinds of secure attachment experiences build the middle prefrontal cortex. This is the seat of insight, empathy, emotional regulation, bodily regulation, attuned communication, intuition, morality, executive function, the part of the brain that allows us to be mentally healthy and to have a wide window of tolerance to withstand adversity. * We live in a time when there is so much distraction, disconnection, and despair. The antidote is being present with each other and really focusing on connection.
Quotes Tina: "There is one thing that can really be our North star in our relationships as caregivers with our children. And it actually applies to all of our relationships. One of the best predictors for how well kids turn out is that they have a secure attachment with at least one person."
Tina: "This to me is the most important of all of the things I know and all the things I've ever studied or written about or talked about. This is the one most important thing."
Audrey: "About 10 years ago when the Whole Brain Child came out, it wasn't as hard to show up as parents. Now, we are so fragmented and it's more normal to be distracted and not present. It's so interesting to me how the concept of mindfulness has exploded. Basically, it's just being where you are and with the person you're with. It's not some crazy concept, it's just something that now we need to intentionally practice because it's no longer common."
Tina: "This whole achievement-based way that we define success, and the focus on what kind of college your kid gets into, has really driven our parenting to this kind of hyper-parenting space where it's even harder to be present and see our kids and know our kids. That hyper-parenting is seen as the norm. And that's not what the science says that we should be doing, it's kind of the opposite."
Tina: "It's the experience we have, in particular, the repeated experiences, and even more particularly repeated relational experiences that have a huge impact on how our brain wires. So if our homes are frenetic and chaotic, and we're constantly over-scheduled and distracted and disconnected, constantly trying to just make it to the next thing, those are the kinds of experiences that are wiring the brain for that kind of pace, hyper-alert and never calm. It breeds anxiety. Instead think about how we can create environments or relationships that are actually safe havens, a safe harbor for the ship out in the storm."
Tina: "Attachment really is a mammal thing. It goes beyond humans and at it's basic, its that when we are in danger or distress, we go to an attachment figure that will help us be safe and survive. We are biologically programmed to choose someone to help us. So when parents provide that secure attachment, which looks like the 4 S's of safe, seen, soothed, then over time that leads to secure."
Tina: "You can imagine how powerful it is to give the gift of security to kids because then they find relationships, like friends and partners, that they expect to see them and show up for them. Ultimately what happens is that their brain is wired to provide the 4 S's for themselves, so they can help themselves feel safe, seen and soothed."
Audrey: "Sometimes when parents think of the word safe, it can lead to over-parenting and not allowing our kids to climb up the jungle gym or do these things that are a little bit risky. Keeping your kids safe does not mean putting the bubble wrap on and not letting them ever go anywhere or do anything."
Tina: "If we overprotect them, that is actually not making them safe. That makes them fragile. The way we learn how to be resilient and how to handle difficult things is by practicing sitting in, dealing with and walking through difficult stuff."
Tina: "It means walking with them through it and allowing them to do it. It's also not permissive. It's also having boundaries where your kids know that you mean business and you're going to hold the boundary. That actually makes them feel safe."
Tina: "Just showing up in that moment with my presence is all my child really needs. That's the key."
Tina: "There are so many competing things for what we should be doing as parents. We beat ourselves up for not doing enough and there are moments when I don't know what to do or if my instinct is right."
Audrey: "It's not about being permissive. When your child's upset about something, it's not about giving in to them. In fact, that's not right. You need to hold the boundary, but you can do it nicely. I think parents sometimes think they have to be harsh to hold a boundary because maybe that's what was modeled for them."
Tina: "The most important thing at any given moment is to really be present. We need to do our own work and have our own self-care so that we have the capacity to do it."
Tina: "If we didn't have that modeled for us or we didn't have our brains wired in that way because we had parents who were scary or who were emotionally dismissing or who made things worse instead of soothing us, we need to make sure we have people in our lives that show up for us and give us the 4 S's so that our tank gets full so that we can do that."
Tina: "I think it's such a good way to live. It's not just with our kids, but you know, when you're in the store checking out, making sure you're not on your phone and you're making eye contact with the person and just asking how are you today? Or you know, has it been really busy? Be present in whatever moments you have because it's better for the world."
Audrey: "We don't have to be perfect, we can just do the basic human showing up stuff."
Tina: "That's also a good thing to remember: Not perfect, but present. That's just a good little mantra."
Related Helping Kids Find Their “Green Zone” (and Finding our Own!)
Ep. 20: The Yes Brain with Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
Ep. 95: Raising a “Yes Brain” Child with Tina Payne Bryson
The Yes Brain with Tina Payne Bryson
Connection Through Questions
11 Ways to Help Kids Create REAL Connections
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Learn more about Tina by visiting her websites:
The Center for Connection
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Other Books by Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Dan Siegel:
The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
No Drama Discipline
The YES Brain
In this episode, Sara Kuljis and I discuss the importance of family rituals and traditions. It's one of the topics that we wanted to cover with parents in our Raise Thriving Kids Workshop that we had in September.
Big Ideas * Family Rituals and traditions are important because they: + help build a sense of shared identity and deep belonging. + help us organize and make sense of an ever-changing world. + help teach and impact faith and family values. They may remind us of our cultural backgrounds. + provide safe spaces and anchors in an ever-changing world. + help us cope with trauma and loss. + produce amazing memories, the silly and the sacred. * Talk to your kids about what traditions are important to them and let them come up with their own.
Quotes Sara: "It has been remarkable to watch how important, year after year, the daily rituals and traditions of summer camp are to our campers and to our staff. I dove in and did quite a bit of research on this and was struck by how profoundly shaping rituals and traditions are in our family cultures."
Sara: "In our fast-paced world, where people travel for work, where families are going in different directions more often, where we don't necessarily live by extended family, many of the rituals and traditions are falling by the wayside. Kids have fewer of these anchor points than they used to back in the day."
Sara: "There are things that stay the same when lots of other things are changing and it really does give us a sense of structure and stability and addresses our longing for simpler things and things you can count on. I think that's very important to kids, especially as they're growing, changing schools, maybe moving homes. Maybe family dynamics are changing, but I can count on tradition."
Audrey: "People like that security of know that things are as they were. Kids need structure, they need to know when bedtime is, but they equally need the ritual of being tucked in and having someone say prayers with them or say goodnight to them or whatever the tradition is in your family."
Sara: "Children want boundaries. They want a frame around the picture. As they are figuring out how to live life, they really crave discipline. So structure and traditions add to that and it creates a sense of safety and knowing what to expect."
Audrey: "You almost don't realize some of the practices that you do or don't do that are traditions. It is anything that you do that is part of your family's life. So many of our rituals are communicating our values."
Sara: "There are a lot of life skills, really practical stuff, that are embedded in traditions that are helpful for our kids. Traditions provide us safe spaces and anchors in an ever-changing world. The more change, the more rituals and traditions we need."
Audrey: "When things are tumultuous, you just want these touchstones of things that are still going to happen, that you can depend on still being there, regardless of what else has changed."
Sara: "I urge you to look back and think about the rituals built into your family. What are the memories that came out of that? What glue to bond a family and help you get through some of the bumpy times."
Audrey: "Sometimes when you're in it, you don't realize that those are traditions. If there's something that you do as a family that's really fun or memorable, why not repeat it each year?"
Sara: "As you think of the traditions in your own family, sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure. The big things are awesome but sometimes it's just the daily flow of life things that provide even more anchoring."
Audrey: "Returning to camp itself, or to the vacation places where your family likes to go, year after year, will help to bring calm back to the storm of life."
Audrey: "Rituals and traditions are just something that can be going on all year, every day or every weekend or whatever, Friday night, movie night, a Saturday morning hike -- it could be anything."
Resources Find out about our next Raise Thriving Kids Workshop
100 Family Memories
5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities
Related If you liked this podcast episode, listen to:
Ep. 7: Family Pace and Space with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 70: Parent on Purpose with Amy Carney
This episode is a live recording of my chat with Sara Kuljis about some of our favorite year-end reflection activities. Joining Sara and me for this episode is Kate Rader, one of the participants from our Raise Thriving Kids Workshop. Kate is a stay-at-home mom to 3 adventure-seeking and fun-loving kiddos, Lauren and Caroline, identical twins who are 13 and Jack, age 10, wife to her college sweetheart Jeff and curious lover of books, podcasts, and conversations about intentional parenting and living.
[caption id="attachment_6803" align="alignnone" width="1024"]Kate Rader and family[/caption]
Here's what Kate had to say about our workshop:
"It was just so wonderful to be in a room with people who care enough to be intentional about the choices they're making for their families and what they want for their families because it's a work in progress--and we're all working together."
Big Ideas In addition to parenting books, podcasts, and coaching, workshops are a great resource for parents. Just as most people need continual training and education in their careers, parents can also take the time to learn and connect with others in order to feel invigorated. It is helpful to share what is working and to discuss best practices for strengthening family bonds. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and modeling a balanced life for our kids.
Today we discuss the ideas I shared in my recent post, 5 Simple Year-End Reflections:
- Create a Reverse Bucket List. Look back over your life and make a list of the cool things you've already done.
- 100 Family Memories - brainstorm and make a list of what happened in your family this year.
- Pick a Quote-of-the-Year. Find a quote that resonates with you, or something motivational, looking back or looking ahead, a quote you want to live by.
- Select One Word that you want to guide you in the new year. Be authentic and make it a word that is uniquely yours.
- Remember your Favorite Books or resources from the past year. Take time to let the new things that you have learned (in books, podcasts, workshops) to percolate and apply the concepts or practices to your life.
Pick one or two of these ideas that resonate with you. You can do an activity on your own or engage the whole family. Make the delivery of the idea fun and light. Allow people to be silly. Getting the family together over the holidays, expressing gratitude, and setting intentions together are my favorite ways to bring in the new year.
Quotes Sara: "Sometimes parenting intentionally feels counter-cultural. When we're swimming upstream, to have fishies to swim with is so confidence building. It's reassuring, it's empowering. I've loved all the parents we have gotten to work with through this project because it has fueled me."
Kate: "The regular accountability is equally as important to me as the one-day workshop. Whether it's via podcasts, recorded conversations, or live conversations, getting together at Starbucks, or whatever it might be, that's really beneficial in maintaining the kind of wonderful feelings that we got coming out of the workshop."
Kate: "If we're going to develop a true family culture, we need to be intentional about spending time together as a family. And that time is harder and harder to come by."
Kate: "Just being together, away, experiencing some new adventures has been a neat way for us to firm up our family culture and values and make memories together. That's been a key take away for me."
Kate: "It's not about those grand gestures. It's about the thoughtful, meaningful moments where people take the time to appreciate their relationships."
Audrey: "Even if you're not a person who gives affirmations, I really don't think there's a person in this world who wouldn't mind getting a nice note saying something that someone likes about them."
Audrey: "Sometimes parents start thinking that their relationship with their child is supposed to be like a normal, reciprocal relationship. Expecting that you pour into this child and they're going to pour back to you, is not how parenting works. However, I'm seeing that once they're adults you may get more of the reciprocity than when they were kids. I get very filled up now by my adult children when they give me affirmations or send me a nice message--it's really great."
Audrey: "You keep encouraging, even if you don't think it means something because I think it really is landing somewhere."
Audrey: "Another activity could be taking a year's worth of fun texts, cards, and nice messages and putting them somewhere like in a scrapbook just as a great boost."
Sara: "I love the idea of sitting down with the whole family and saying, 'let's look way back' because there is a chance that something that I didn't consider very bucket-y might have been really significant to my kids. I think it will remind us that it has been a rich life of experiences."
Audrey: "I would challenge you to focus on yourself for your own reverse bucket list. Sometimes it's good to just think about for your own self-awareness and self-worth and knowing that you're enough just the way you are. I would suggest that the bucket list idea is more of a personal thing because it is recognizing the goals you've already achieved and the cool things that you've done, whereas the 100 Family Memories would be the things you're grateful for."
Audrey: "The goal is to try to remember (as many as) 100 things so you get down to some of the minutiae and those are some of the funny, random, individual things that happened. It's been a really fun practice."
Kate: "I think when you allow each family member to share their treasured memories from the year, it gives us insight into their personalities and their level of value and priorities, as well."
Audrey: "I like spending time at the end of the year, really thinking through what my one word is, thinking about what was good this year and what is it that I want to take into the new year and feel more of, or do more of--I love the process."
Audrey: "Determine the kind of person you want to be in the next year. Identify the characteristics of that best self. When you're being your best self, what does that look like? It has guided me a lot because once I pick a word, I then seek out resources and ideas to help me live that word better."
Kate: "It's a neat way to put the focus on how you're going to spend your time, your energy, your reading, and research--all that good stuff. When it is meaningful, it really does carry you through the year and it gives purpose to how you're spending your time."
Audrey: "It really hit me that my best contribution to my family, to the world, comes when I focus and take the time to do some research, reading, writing, thoughtful time, which is not a normal part of life anymore. You have to actually build in focus."
Audrey: "There are so many new ideas and things you can do, but to really move the needle, all you need to do is just one. I am challenging myself this year to slow down on the consumption of new information and instead get out the books I've read, look at my highlights and just recap."
Related Posts & Podcasts 5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
100 Family Memories
#oneword
My One Word for 2019: Focus
Ep. 68 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families
Ep. 105 Live Above the Noise with Rob Reiher
Resources Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist
How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp
Finding Fred Podcast
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm speaking to Dr. Jennifer Levin, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in health crises or transitions, especially related to traumatic grief and loss. We discuss ways to support others, particularly children, and promote growth after trauma.
Big Ideas * Traumatic grief is an unexpected, sudden loss that people experience. * Sudden, devastating events can cause a great deal of grief, trauma, and stress. * People experience post-traumatic growth when their life changes significantly for the better due to the experience they had with the trauma. * There are four areas wherein people experience post-traumatic growth: + deeper relationships + increased personal strength + positive spiritual changes + stronger appreciation for life in general * Kids and adults react differently to grief and trauma. Kids tend to float in and out, whereas adults may get stuck in deep sadness and experience more of the traumatic symptoms. * The first thing to do for children after a traumatic loss is to assure safety and reestablish some normalcy and a sense of routine and structure. * Helpful tools for kids are sensory-based activities, mindfulness skills, guided imagery, and visualizations. We can help them learn how to take control of their situation and give them positive feedback and praise when they use a great coping skill. * Make sure children are exposed to positive relationships with other supportive adults in their lives. * Especially in the case of loss, it is important for families to keep talking about their feelings. + Memory Bowl Tip: keep a bowl and a stack of index cards in an accessible place. Any time you have a memory of the person, the dog, the loved one who has died, you write it down on the card and put it in the bowl. Then, when you're having a tough grieving day or on an occasion when the family is together, everyone can read the memories that are in the bowl. This is a great way to keep memories and family times together alive.
Quotes Jennifer: "It's pretty amazing watching someone come in right after a loss, working through them to address both the trauma and grief and then having them say, 'Oh my goodness, I think I've grown in (this way)' and to be able to focus on that."
Audrey: "Unfortunately, we are inevitably going to face grief of some kind. It's hopeful to think that it doesn't have to lead to disaster."
Audrey: "Many of us have been blindsided by the experiences that kids share with us in the camp or school setting, where they share something really hard that they have gone through."
Jennifer: "Right after an immediate loss that's been traumatic, the first thing to do is to assure safety, establish some normalcy and a sense of routine when the world feels chaotic and out of control."
Jennifer: "We see behavioral problems come up, problems with sleep, academics, friends, when there is no routine or structure or normalcy."
Jennifer: "Containment may not necessarily lead to post-traumatic growth, but more stabilization, which is the first thing we have to do before we can start addressing trauma and grief."
Jennifer: "Post-traumatic growth is something that happens over a significant period of time and adults can play a huge role in decreasing the chances that a child will have longterm difficulties and increasing the chances for post-traumatic growth."
Jennifer: "Sometimes we have to say, 'I'm not sure how this is going to play out in the future, but right now you are safe. I got you. You're okay. I love you. All of your needs can be met right now.' This gives them a really strong foundation for growth."
Jennifer: "One thing that goes without saying is parents and adults have to take care of themselves first before they are able to give this to kids. Kids are able to tell when it's inauthentic, insincere, and when the parents are running on empty."
Jennifer: "Positive relationships with adults help foster post-traumatic growth. If it's not a parent, then its a teacher, a coach, a religious figure."
Jennifer: "Kids and adults react differently to grief and trauma. I think it's wonderful that kids can float in and out, in and out, and when they're in the moment, the feelings are intense, difficult, scary and overwhelming. But again, with the right support and encouragement, they're going to transition out and be okay."
Jennifer: "We as adults have such a role in teaching our kids how to express themselves, how to get these feelings out, and then how to cope with them."
Audrey: "Usually if a child is grieving about something, usually the adults who are closest to them are also grieving. Getting outside help is so important, even if your child appears to be fine. For them to be aware that these feelings may come up at any time and there are resources for them. That's a really important thing."
Jennifer: "Grief is such a unique experience for every person, every family. Everybody in a family grieves differently. I'm really big on acknowledgment, an adult acknowledging that they're sad or grieving, that they're fearful--that's the very first step."
Jennifer: "Acknowledge the pain. I think it's great for your kids to see you cry. It's great for them to see you express emotion and for you to say, 'Mom is really sad right now, but I'm okay. You're okay and we're going to be okay.' Then talk about that."
Jennifer: "Checking in is important because it gives the message, 'I'm here if you want to talk and if you don't, that's okay.' So what you do is monitor other things: Are they socializing with their friends? Are they doing well in school? Are they sleeping? Are they eating? Are they doing extracurricular activities? When you start to see issues there, then that's a red flag. Even though they're not talking about the grief, it's definitely impacting them."
Jennifer: "We grieve the way we live. If we're someone who doesn't share our feelings very often, then when we experience grief we are not all of a sudden going to become someone who talks about all of our feelings."
Audrey: "Keep talking about the person. Some people think it's better not to bring the person up but the last thing that someone who is grieving wants is for people to forget the person who was so important to them."
Links More information on Dr. Jennifer Levin's private practice can be found at therapyheals.com.
Visit her new site: fromgrieftogrowth.com. You will find her free mini video course, 3 Tips for Surviving Traumatic Grief.
Dr. Jennifer R. Levin specializes in working with adults, adolescents, and teens experiencing traumatic grief and sudden loss. In 2000 Jennifer received her doctorate from UCLA in public health focusing on the needs of cancer patients at the end of life. She has served as the executive director of Hospice of Pasadena and volunteered with the American Cancer Society and the Wellness Community. Jennifer provides continuing education training, consultation, and mobile grief services to schools and community-based organizations experiencing bereavement and loss. Jennifer is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Pasadena where she works with clients living with chronic and terminal illness, bereavement and complicated loss and traumatic death. She facilitates support groups in traumatic grief, spousal loss, teen grief and also specializes in post-traumatic growth.
Related If you enjoyed this episode, check out:
- Ep. 112: Helping Teens Exposed to Trauma with Ruth Gerson
- Ep. 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives
- Ep. 80: The Emotionally Healthy Child with Maureen Healy
- Ep. 117: Raising Good Humans
Show notes & links available here.
In this episode, I'm chatting with mindfulness expert Hunter Clarke-Fields, author of Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids, is my guest on for Episode 117. We talk about the importance of modeling positive responses to difficult situations and using tools like mindfulness and meditation to be a less reactive parent. Hunter's blog, podcast, and other resources can be found at MindfulMamaMentor.com.
Big Ideas * Raising Good Humans is a book that offers tools and ideas for parents on: + how to regulate your stress response + how to become less reactive + how to respond in order to get more cooperation from your children * There are 2 main parts of the book: + The Inner Work - mindfulness, unhooking from negative thoughts, meditation - learning about your own triggers - how to manage difficult feelings and model problem solving - self-compassion. + The Outer Work -- Skillful Communication * Mindfulness is the intentional ability to stay in the present moment with a sense of kindness and curiosity. * The benefits of a meditation practice are reduced anxiety and depression, better sleep, more feelings of wellbeing and being less reactive. * Our own childhood impacts so much of who we are and how we parent our kids. * Parents can acknowledge that most kids have a different pace. Being patient with them can help circumvent conflict. * Use the "Friend Filter" by speaking to your child as respectfully as you would a friend or a friend's child.
Quotes Audrey: "In this day and age, with all the inputs we have, and how most parents are struggling with the overwhelm, anxiety rush and can't turn it off--this is why your message is so needed right now."
Hunter: "There are basically these two wings that you need to fly. One is this wonderful advice out there in the parenting world, what to say and how to communicate. But that goes out the window when you're losing it because you can't access it. You literally can't access that part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex where your verbal empathetic ability is, so there is also inner work that goes along with it."
Hunter: "There's a word in the mindfulness tradition called 'noble failure' because we all fail at being able to control our monkey mind. But that's okay. That's not how you judge your practice. You judge your practice and how it helps you by how it makes you feel and how you're able to be present in the other parts of your life."
Hunter: "We're at our worst in parenting when we're just reacting in anger. We have to have a way to calm it down. We have to build the muscle to calm or be able to be less reactive in peaceful times. This is a muscle you're building. Just like you're not going to read about tennis and then go out and play the world grand slam."
Audrey: "In our family, we talk about our highs and lows. Let's make sure we are not just sharing the good stuff, or sharing only the positive feelings, because we've got to get those bad things out, too. Even when you're a generally positive, upbeat person, there are always hard things."
Hunter: "We expect our kids to turn things around and have this awareness when we don't have it ourselves. The ability to look at and understand our feelings is so practical. If you only show your kids a veneer of perfection, 'I'm always positive' and 'I'm always calm' -- that's just not true. Nobody is like that. Even the Dalai Lama gets mad sometimes."
Hunter: "We can give lip service that 'It's okay for you to have these feelings,' but then we don't allow ourselves permission to be angry, frustrated, or sad. We hide that away rather than acknowledging that within ourselves. That piece of acknowledgment is really crucial to all this work."
Hunter: "If you go into a situation where you're feeling upset or when you're starting to get annoyed, when you can say these things out loud and just label those (emotions), it actually provides a lot of relief to the stress and tension of a moment."
Audrey: "I think its really important for us as parents to be real with each other and make sure that we all know that we have these moments. Just working on having fewer of the bad moments feels so good."
Hunter: "The second part of the book is about how to be helpful, how to speak in such a skillful way that your child wants to cooperate with you--from the inside out--because they care about you, rather than because you're using power over them and making them."
Hunter: "There is this idea we have that its the norm for adolescents to rebel. I really think that it's not true. Actually, adolescents rebel against the kind of destructive communication and parenting habits that we have. Culturally, we're not very skillful."
Hunter: "We are in the soup of a very unskillful culture where we are constantly ordering and threatening our kids. Some of these things feel like they work in the short term, but in the long term they actually make kids less likely to want to cooperate with you."
Hunter: "There are natural consequences to some things that happen and we definitely hold boundaries, but there are ways to speak and ways to communicate and interact that create a more loving, cooperative relationship."
Audrey: "Even as adults, we respond better to being told we get to do something fun or have some kind of privilege because we did our task or met a goal."
Hunter: "If you had a friend staying with you, or even if you were talking to one of your friend's children, someone who's a little more removed from you, how would you ask that person? How would you make the request to that person? Putting on this filter can help us look at our own language."
Audrey: "We are often frustrated that they're not immediately doing something, but that's more our problem. If you want your kids to be sitting down for dinner, tell them five minutes before you actually need to sit down."
Hunter: "That's why self-compassion is so important. We're not robots. We're not going to get it right. We're not going to be perfect all the time. We're going to be aware for a little while of what we're not doing right--and that doesn't feel good--but it's part of the learning process."
Audrey: "Not only do we need to think about how we talk to our kids, like we are talking to a friend, but also how we talk to ourselves. We get so disappointed in ourselves when we're trying to do new things. But any new habit or communication style is going to take time."
Audrey: "We don't need to get overwhelmed with all of it. Even if you apply just one of your ideas, it would move the needle on raising the connection and peacefulness in the home."
Resources Calm App
ABOUT HUNTER
Hunter Clarke-Fields is a mindfulness mentor, host of the Mindful Mama podcast, creator of the Mindful Parenting membership, and author of the brand new book (12/19), Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids. She helps parents bring more calm into their daily lives and cooperation in their families. Hunter has over twenty years of experience in meditation and yoga practices and has taught mindfulness to thousands worldwide. She is the mother of two active daughters, who challenge her every day to hone her craft! Learn more about Hunter at MindfulMamaMentor.com.
Contact Hunter: hunter@mindfulmamamentor.com
Raising Good Humans Book Page: Raising Good Humans Book.com
Facebook Page: Hunter Clarke-Fields, Mindful Mama Mentor
Instagram: Mindful Mama Mentor
Twitter: HClarkeFields
LinkedIn: Hunter Clarke-Fields
The Mindful Mama Podcast
Related If you enjoyed listening to this podcast, check out:
Learning to Breathe
Ep. 103: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Kids
Ep. 80: The Emotionally Healthy Child with Maureen Healy
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child with Signe Whitson
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
How to Have a Closer Family in 5 Minutes a Day
Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done by Laura Vanderkam
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I’ve been obsessively telling everyone about this quick read. If you, like me, feel a bit “at war” with time, feeling there’s “never enough” and you “don’t have time to relax,” then you’ll benefit from Vanderkam’s wisdom, too. The book, true to its title, offers realistic ways to both feel less busy and get more done. More importantly, Vanderkam reminds us to focus on making the most of the moments and time we do have and always remember that "people are a good use of time."
View all my reviews
I have a vivid memory from ten years ago of my youngest child, then age four, asking me, "Mommy, are we in a rush?"
I stopped in my tracks and realized that, yes, in fact, we were in a rush. We seemed to always be in a rush to get somewhere, get one more thing done, or just get out the door. He knew that, because he was always with me and was learning about how life worked from me. I was not being a good role model in how I viewed and used my time.
I didn't want to always be in a rush, and I certainly didn't want my sweet boy thinking that life is always just a rush from one thing to the next.
In the past decade, I have not fulfilled my goal of stopping to watch the sunset every single night, but I have learned to savor moments a bit more, slow down once in a while, and listen well (sometimes) to my people as they share their stories.
I have had far more coffee and walk dates with friends, read more books, and gone to bed earlier. I even slowed down enough to write the book I've always dreamed of writing.
There is, in fact, enough time to do the things we want to do. We just need to learn to prioritize the things that are most important and make time for those things first rather than hoping we'll miraculously end up with time for them once our "to do" list is done. Off the Clock offers tips for making the most of the time we have.
Watch Vanderkam's TED Talk, "How to gain control of your free time":
Visit Vanderkam's Website (I've subscribed to her email list and am going to try out her time log!)
Listen to Ep. 56: Off the Clock with Laura Vanderkam.
In this episode, Sara Kuljis is back to talk about giving kids meaningful compliments and focusing on our kids' strengths. We recently hosted our Raise Thriving Kids workshop in Newport Beach where we spent the day discussing positive parenting tools. Since then, we've received a lot of positive feedback, especially on the topic of Level 3 Affirmations.
Big Ideas * Part of camp staff training involves teaching them to more regularly and more deeply affirm real character traits that matter in the campers. The children are able to go home knowing that they have this "gold" within them. They divided the affirmations, or compliments, into 3 levels. * Level 1 affirmations are words that convey worth, value, and importance in one's possessions or one's physical appearance. Examples: "You have beautiful hair." "That's a really cool new skateboard." * These are compliments on things (physical traits or material possessions) that a child doesn't have a lot of control over and it can create a sense of insecurity. * Level 2 affirmations are words that convey worth, value, and importance lies in one's performance or accomplishments. Examples: "You fixed your hair so cute today" and "You were amazing at the skate park today." * Level 3 affirmations are words that convey worth, value, and importance in one's efforts, character, in one's very being. Examples: "I appreciate the time you took to do your friend's hair. I admire that about you" or "I admire how hard you've been working to improve your skating skills. You've been out there every day. I appreciate your grit and determination." * Level 3 traits are more likely to develop and grow in our children when they are acknowledged and praised.
Quotes Audrey: "There's nothing wrong with level one affirmations and in fact, you feel good when someone comments. But there are levels up from that."
Sara: "Parents hover in level two a lot. At camp and at school, we often emphasize that skill they learned and it's awesome to affirm that in a child. But our kids are buried by the sense that they have to outperform and they have to accomplish way beyond what any reasonable expectation is."
Sara: "When affirmations get stuck at level two, where we value and shine a light on the importance--almost exclusively--of accomplishments and performance, we are doing our kids a great disservice."
Audrey: "This is probably how most of us were raised and often results in having really high expectations for ourselves that can get to a destructive level called 'perfectionism,' where we feel like no matter what we do, it's never enough."
Audrey: "We all have this fundamental need to be valued. We want people to notice us and value us and sometimes we think we are being valued for what we do, or what we accomplish."
Audrey: "It's not what we do or what we have that makes us a valuable, important person."
Sara: "Praise the process that your child went through to accomplish something. If I'm looking at the process, I'm looking at determination, perseverance, grit, inclusivity, kindness--all of the really deep character traits we're all hoping our kids have."
Audrey: "If our teachers and coaches focus on when they see someone demonstrating one of those traits that we want to build up in our kids, like kindness or generosity or patience, and point it out, that's going to grow it. It's really important for parents to do it. But when kids hear those kinds of affirmations from another adult, it's really powerful."
Audrey: "There's a lot of overlap here in mining for strengths and really taking the time to notice our kids and who they are and what makes them tick because kids right from the beginning show their stripes."
Sara: "For parents, it's loving the child you have, not wishing for the child you don't."
Audrey: "Bringing to the surface and naming some of those character traits for our kids is so helpful because they are the ones they are going to use to do great things. Whatever those great things are, they'll use those traits. They'll use their kindness, their energy, their gift for seeing what's going on or for organizing events or for including people. They're going use those skills everywhere in their lives, but not if they're not called out. We need to name them."
Audrey: "What better way to show our gratitude for another human being than by giving them a level three affirmation."
Related Posts/Podcasts Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 114: Precursors to Gratitude
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices
Ep. 77: Comparison is the Thief of (Parenting) Joy
Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind
What comes before gratitude in our children? In this episode, Sara and I discuss how we can prepare our kids to become grateful people. Sara and I talked about gratitude last year in this episode about Growing Gratitude.
Big Ideas * As the Thanksgiving holiday nears, it is important to remember that we can cultivate a heart of gratitude all year long. * Good manners are important but employing these "precursors" to gratitude can help instill our family values in a deeper and more meaningful way. * Precursors to growing gratitude: + Avoid over-giving, as it can lead to entitlement. When we earn what we have, we value it more. + Cultivate empathy. When kids realize that there is a cost (money, time, energy or thought) associated with everything they have, they are more grateful. + Model gratefulness. When kids hear their parents thanking each other, showing respect and demonstrating gratitude, they are more likely to adopt the same habit. + Be exposed to seeing how most of the world lives or not always having daily comforts. A vacation from things like big meals and hot showers, such as in camping situations or while traveling, can help us to realize a greater appreciation for all we have.
Quotes Audrey: "You can't just start saying thank you or start doing gratitude practices and suddenly become this grateful person. There are precursors to gratitude."
Sara: "When our kids are little, one of the first things we teach them is to say please and thank you. As my kids grew, I wanted their thank yous to come from inside them, not from me reminding them."
Sara: "It's my work to do as a parent to set these things up and to cultivate these habits in myself and in my home so that when it's time for our kids to build the muscle of gratitude, it fits in. It's kind of super-powered and more authentic."
Audrey: "Practicing kindness and practicing gratitude is good because you build the muscle."
Audrey: "The depth is what we're talking about. It's almost like a mindset, a way of thinking about things and remembering the impact of what we do."
Sara: "As parents, we so long to meet (our kids') needs well, but we also feel compelled to meet all their wants. By 'needs' I mean shelter, love, food, medical care, sleep, all the things we need to thrive. But then we get on this hamster wheel of, 'well, they better have the newest iPhone, or best kind of tennis shoes, or the tutor everyone else is going to,' and we can over-give. We can over-meet their wants to a place where they develop an entitlement."
Sara: "We've really got to guard our choices. We're developing grown-ups eventually who can work and earn something, who can long for something, who can have an appreciation because they had to wait or they had to grow into it."
Audrey: "The expression 'delayed gratification' has 'grateful' in it."
Audrey: "It's just kind of balancing. Are we giving in a good way? Are we overdoing it? It's the 'over-giving'. It's not to not-give to our kids, it's to give in a way that we're thinking through, is it the right amount?"
Audrey: "You have to do things. You have to gain competence to earn confidence. You can't make someone confident. It has to take some time. It comes from learning that it's okay to make mistakes, you're not going to be good at everything the first, second, third, even 20th time."
Sara: "When we help kids understand 'what did it cost that other human to provide this to me,' it naturally grows gratitude in them."
Audrey: "Young kids are made to be self-focused. That's normal developmentally. Anything we can do to get them out of their head helps. I do think empathy is such a key thing."
Sara: "I think sometimes our kids hear us being critical of things or dissatisfied with things more often than they hear us being grateful. Make thanking each other, thanking your spouse for something that he or she did, a really normal thing."
Sara: "If our kids never see us being grateful, how will they suddenly become grateful people?"
Audrey: "If you're only living in the bubble of your neighbor, which likely is safe, or you're own home, which likely has electricity and your kids have their own beds and running water, I think that we can get almost desensitized."
Audrey: "We can just set our kids up, get that soil ready to really build their gratitude muscles."
Sara: "Whenever we do something in the daily flow of life, it just becomes part of who we are as a family. Finding a habit or a ritual (not just around the Thanksgiving table--although that's awesome!) where we get to name something that we're grateful for, or practice thanking another person for something, done daily or weekly makes things stick."
Audrey: "When we adults practice this ourselves it goes a long way in setting our kids up to be more grateful."
Resources/Related Posts Three Good Things
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family: 5 Gratitude Practices
Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Gratitude Revisited
5 Ways to Create a Happy Thanksgiving
In this episode, I'm speaking with Suzanne Tucker of Generation Mindful, a website dedicated to helping kids learn how to regulate their emotions.
Big Ideas * While working as a physical therapist, Suzanne realized there was much more going on in people's wellbeing than just the physical body. The whole health approach to healing and wellness is what led her to start Generation Mindful. * Parents and educators love the science of positive discipline but struggle to apply the science of connection practically in their everyday lives. * Generation Mindful offers evidence-based tools and toys that make connection a habit in homes and schools. They nurture emotional intelligence via play and positive discipline. * Generation Mindful helps people overcome perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, and promote connection. Their mission is to raise an emotionally healthy world. * Generation Mindful tools and toys can be found in 70 countries and their community is in nearly 100 countries around the world.
Quotes Suzanne: "If you're looking to get on the superhighway of spiritual growth, just jump on it because you're going to find it in Parenthood."
Suzanne: "Parenting makes life apparent."
Suzanne: "It was that love of whole health and learning about ourselves and being on a spiritual journey myself that brought me into doing empowerment-based education with families."
Suzanne: "We've got to make it easy. We've got to make it fun. We've got to get this evidence-based brain science into everyday life because people feel 'not enough' and it's not right."
Audrey: "Instead of punishing someone for being dysregulated and needing to calm down, making it a thing that 'hey--we all have these moments. Let's find a way to just create a space where we can just feel good.'"
Audrey: "Adults, we need this, too, the candle that smells good, the book we really like, that calms us down, and a cup of tea."
Suzanne: "It's not just about education and support (because we need both of those.) What I found in my work is that children are concrete learners and so are adults. We are very much supported when we open a box--it's concrete."
Suzanne: "It's really about embodying wisdom. It's about creating this community that inspires you and is there to hold your hand online. We've got all these online supports, the blog, a private community for anyone who goes through our six-week self-paced course."
Suzanne: "It really starts from the inside out. And we're about supporting and inspiring you into what we think of as a mind shift into self-awareness first, 'connect before you correct' and just seeing misbehavior as an unmet need, without the guilt, and training ourselves out of shame as a motivator and guilt as a filter."
Suzanne: "We are all about creating habits because habits lift us up. Habits just happen...We want to connect, but if it's not a habit, it's not happening."
Suzanne: "It's really about the brain science of honoring emotions as sacred and integrating."
Audrey: "Name it to tame it. We all talk about that."
Suzanne: "Just by labeling the things that happened in the day and which mood group would I associate them with, is like the middle brain doing pushups. The hippocampus, that really important part of the brain that helps with emotional regulation, is going down, doing the pushups and it's training that part of the brain that wants to react. It's actually laying the neural synapsis so it can learn to respond."
Suzanne: "Once we get over our fear we're empowered to show up powerfully with what is. Then we can source the tools and support to just be where we are and meet the child where they are."
Audrey: "You see the kids' behavior is just like the tip of the iceberg and all those things going on underneath; it's like the behavior is just kind of a clue. Be curious. They aren't trying to ruin your day or be terrible. They're communicating something that they're having difficulty articulating."
Suzanne: "Where is the source of emotional intelligence in relationships? It's in pausing to look in each other's eye, to listen, to share. It is so simple, yet how hard it is in everyday modern life to carve out a sweet little five minutes to talk about things that matter?"
Resources Genmindful.com
Time-In ToolKit
Snuggle Buddies and My Feeling Calendar
Dr. Dan Siegel
Free Positive Parenting Class from Generation Mindful (ENTER PASSWORD: FreeAccessClassOne)
Related Posts/Podcasts If you liked this episode of the podcast, listen to or read:
Ep. 110: Keep Calm & Parent On
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Ep. 103: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
The Whole-Brain Child: Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture your Child’s Developing Mind, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Ep. 95: Raising a “Yes Brain” Child with Tina Payne Bryson
In this episode, I'm talking with Dr. Ruth Gerson, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at NYU's Langone Medical Center, about helping teens who have been exposed to trauma.
Trauma is, by definition, when an experience feels so threatening to one's safety and well-being that it overwhelms one's ability to cope. Human beings, especially children, are amazingly resilient. Not only can we humans survive terrible things, but often we commit incredible acts of strength and heroism in the face of adversity, such as the soldier who carries a wounded friend out of battle despite her own wounds, or a father who rescues his children from a raging fire. But just because we survive something does not mean we are not marked by the experience.
-Ruth Gerson, M.D., Beyond PTSD
Ruth's book, which she co-authored with Patrick Hepple, is Beyond PTSD, Helping and Healing Teens Exposed to Trauma. Ruth is a colleague of Dr. Jess Shatkin, who I interviewed back in Episode 16 about his book, Born to be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe.
Both Ruth's book and our conversation have opened my eyes to the prevalence of trauma and the importance of helping teens who have been exposed to trauma. Trauma can manifest in many different and unexpected ways. In most cases, our kids aren't even aware that it is past trauma that is causing them to feel or behave in certain ways.
Big Ideas * Certain traumatic experiences are just too much for our brains and our bodies to take in. * The structure of Dr. Gerson's book is set up so that you can read sections related to different behavioral issues, such as self-injury, risky behavior, substance use, school refusal, aggression, and many other topics. * Trauma-informed care for kids is necessary for anyone who works with youth today. The goal of this book is to help people know how to look for, talk about, and find kids the right help following trauma. * Some of the factors affecting kids response to trauma are: + their developmental and emotional age/maturity level + the context and support of their environment + their previous experiences * Behavior is communication. Watch out for any significant changes in a child, such as: + temperament + sleep and eating patterns + showing an increased amount of anxiety or fear * When a child discloses something that is difficult for them to share, make sure to give an appropriate response and not expressions of disbelief. Help the child to feel heard and safe.
Quotes Audrey: "Oftentimes, we're very focused on teens' problematic behaviors when really the underlying thing that really needs to be addressed is something else and that is just how they're coping with this trauma."
Ruth: "A kid who experiences trauma over and over is going to be much more sensitive to something happening. It's kind of counter-intuitive and it's actually something that kids often say is they feel like, well I should be used to this or it shouldn't affect me anymore. And so it's a real point of education that we try to give to kids that just because you've been going through something forever, it doesn't make it easier."
Ruth: "But traumatic experiences, or things that push us beyond that (comfort zone) line and having that happen over and over again, are really detrimental. Not something that you can learn to grow from without help."
Audrey: "Even in adults, trauma can manifest decades later which is why I think it's so important, the work you're doing to help earlier when kids are having these symptoms."
Ruth: "I really encourage parents to trust their instincts. Parents know their kids better than anyone. We know their ins and outs. We know their tiniest habits. We know the littlest ticks and their littlest, funny tells that let us know what kind of mood they're in or whatever. So I really encourage parents to trust their gut."
Ruth: "You have to be able to take that step back and try to think from the kid's perspective what might be going on that would make them behave in this way. And that's hard because it does require putting aside how difficult that behavior is for you, the parent, to be on the receiving end of it. Just like it's really hard to be with a baby who won't stop crying. But the only way to solve the underlying problem is to try to step back from our own emotional reactions and try to take the kid's perspective."
Ruth: "We can still encourage our kids to be able to do the things that they need to do to be successful socially and to be successful in school and then as professionals. But if we just tell them to do it without understanding why they're struggling, we're not going to be successful."
Ruth: "There's a lot of shame and a lot of silence around trauma. So kids don't know that it's not their fault. They don't know that it's something that happens unfortunately to a lot of people and that they can speak up about may, can get help for it. And so they don't talk about it and they don't ask for what they need because of that shame and that pain that keeps them silent."
Ruth: "Because trauma can be such trigger for shame, particularly with things like sexual trauma or suicide, kids are made to feel like it was their fault. Kids take that initial reaction of disbelief as disbelief, right? They don't believe me. They don't think it's really happening. I should never talk about this again. And it can be really damaging."
Audrey: "Kids can be very resilient and work through things and we can help them with that by just being supportive and being caring, regardless of how awful it is."
Audrey: "When you can stay calm and not let them get to you, you're more effective with them. And I think in a lot of ways I feel like it's easier to do with other people's children than with your own."
About Dr. Ruth Gerson Dr. Gerson is board certified in both general and child and adolescent psychiatry. Dr. Gerson received her bachelor of arts in Biochemistry at Harvard University and received her medical degree at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons. She completed her internship and general psychiatry training at the Cambridge Health Alliance-Harvard Medical School residency program where she served administrative chief resident. Dr. Gerson completed her child and adolescent psychiatry training at the Child Study Center at NYULMC and Bellevue Hospital Center. She also completed a public psychiatry fellowship at NYULMC. Contact Dr. Gerson.
Books Related Posts & Podcasts Ep. 111: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World
Ep. 16: Born to be Wild with Dr. Jess Shatkin
7 Ways to Help Kids Through their Teen Years
Helping Kids Through Their Low Point
Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 100: Teens’ Advice for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids
Ep. 110: Keep Calm & Parent On
In Episode 54, I'm chatting once again with my long-time friend and camp colleague, Dr. Jim Sears. I've known him as Camp Doctor "Bones" for the past 14 years, but he is better known by his patients at his family's pediatric practice as "Dr. Jim." You might have caught our previous episode (Episode 51), where we talked about building kids' self esteem. In this episode, we talk about some of the benefits of camp and what we think parents can learn from summer camp to bring home some of the benefits of the experience. We touch on topics related to our kids' well-being, including positive behavior management, health tips, encouraging kids to be themselves, gain autonomy, and unplug!
Positive Behavior Management
Catch them doing the right thing
Attention seeking behavior
"Give the good attention to specific positive behaviors." Dr. Jim Sears
Health Tips
"Wow! What's different about my daily living up here at camp?"
Quite active - more walking
Incidental exercise- walking and chatting with friends from one activity to the next
Meal structure - specific times for meals - not much snacking. Stay busy not bored
"It's okay to be hungry." Dr. Jim Sears
"How do I get my kids to eat the chicken and broccoli for dinner?"
Healthy snacks available and the only option
Discovering new foods through experiences away from home (like camp)
Our kids need to be around other people besides us who are making healthy choices
"Sometimes another mentor or adult can make really big strides with your kids." Audrey
Being Themselves
Clothing choices
It's cool to be independent and do your hair a little bit differently
Cool to be wacky-be your own self
Get dirty
Developing Autonomy
"One of the best things about camp, for kids, is that, for the first time for many of them, they get to make their own choices and decisions about a lot of things, and they're not getting as micromanaged about all the details of their existence." Audrey
Opportunties for independence when children are young- give small practice opportunities
Being discerning about the world without being fearful
Learning how to deal with little discomforts
Unplugging/ Break from Technology
No phones at lunch in school
Meals at home unplugged
Screen addiction
"When you're on your phone, generally it's information going in, in, in...it doesn't allow stuff to come out." Dr. Jim
"Car rides are one of your best chances with teens for meaningful conversations." Dr. Jim
Navigating uncomfortable social situations without a phone is good
About "Dr. Jim"
Dr. Jim spent several years as a co-host on the Dr. Phil hit spin-off series called, The Doctors, a nationally syndicated hour-long daily talk show that is informative and entertaining!
Dr. Jim earned his medical degree at St. Louis University School of Medicine in 1996 and completed his pediatric residency at Northeastern Ohio University College of Medicine, Tod Children’s Hospital in Youngstown, Ohio in 1999. During his residency, he received the honor of “Emergency Medicine Resident of the Year.”
Dr. Jim has been featured on Parenting.com’s “Ask the Experts,” and has written for “Parenting” and “BabyTalk” magazine. Dr Sears’ medical advice has been featured on “Dr. Phil” and the PBS parenting series, “Help Me Grow.” He is an active contributor to the content of AskDrSears.com, and is a co-author of The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood (Little, Brown 2006), Father’s First Steps – Twenty-Five Things Every New Father Should Know, (Harvard Common Press 2006). The Premature Baby Book (Little, Brown 2004), The Baby Sleep Book (Little, Brown 2006) and the best selling The Baby Book – Updated and Revised Edition (Little, Brown 2013).
Dr. Jim’s personal passions include endurance cycling, triathlons, sailboat racing and musical theater with his daughter, Lea. His favorite role has been Harold Hill in “The Music Man.” Other recent favorite productions include “Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat” (French brother), “The Wizard of Oz” (Cowardly Lion), “Annie” (Rooster), “Fiddler on the Roof” (Lazar Wolf) “Oliver! (Mr. Bumble) and Big River (King). In his free time, Dr. Jim enjoys snow skiing, hiking, and mountain biking (especially during a beautiful sunrise!).
Links
Ask Dr. Sears
In Episode 56, I'm chatting with Laura Vanderkam about her book Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done. Laura is the best-selling author of several time management and productivity books including 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think, I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time, and What the Most Successful People do Before Breakfast. Laura also co-hosts the Best of Both Worlds podcast with Sarah Hart-Unger. They discuss work/life balance, career development, parenting, time management, productivity, and making time for fun.Laura lives outside Philadelphia with her husband and four children, and blogs at LauraVanderkam.com.
When I read Off the Clock in August, I shared my thoughts about it here. I am thrilled that I also had the opportunity to interview Laura for my podcast and ask her questions including her advice for how to overcome the hurdles I faced trying to track my time.
Big Ideas Time and how we perceive it
We all have the same amount of time but spend it differently.
How we think about time changes how we perceive it.
When we walk around saying "I'm so busy", are we?
Which moments become your story?
Data study on time perception
900 people tracked their time and reported how they felt about it.
What things are a good use of time?
Evaluating your time
How to effectively track your time? Doesn't have to be exact!
Getting a general sense of where time goes.
Data helps us see where our time goes.
Looking at time in weeks versus days.
Effortful versus effortless fun
Effortless fun is easy and ends up being the bulk of our leisure time.
Effortful fun is more memorable.
Putting in work to have fun.
Quotes " You find people who are doing amazing things professionally as well as personally but they all have the same amount of time we do". -Audrey Monke
"Time is all about how we perceive it. We all have the same amount of time. It all moves at the same rate. But that’s not really the way we think about". -Laura Vanderkam
"When we walk around with the story “I’m so busy” we will constantly look for moments that show that". - Laura Vanderkam
"You want more time doing stuff you enjoy. Nobody wants more time in a traffic jam or boring meeting". - Laura Vanderkam
"Your fun can take some work but you will be so happy you did it" - Laura Vanderkam
Find Laura Laura's TED Talk, How to Gain Control of Your Free Time:
Laura Vanderkam's Website
Best of Both World Podcast
Laura's Other Books:
168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think LEARN MORE
I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make The Most of Their Time LEARN MORE
What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast LEARN MORE
I've had such an incredible time this fall meeting with parents, teachers, and kids in person to talk about some of the strategies I write about in my book, Happy Campers.
One topic that comes up regularly is the importance of learning to keep ourselves calm and model calm down strategies for our kids, as well as helping our kids figure out their own calm down strategies.
In this episode, I am sharing my ideas and tips on
Big Ideas * Synonyms & Antonyms for Calm * For most of us, our level of calm seems to depend on our personality. * Learning to self-regulate and manage anger can really have lasting positive effects.
Flipping Our Lids * Hand Brain Model - Daniel Siegel
What's Your Favorite Calm Down Strategy? Breathing Learning to Breathe
Deep Breathing (Web MD)
Most people take short, shallow breaths into their chest. It can make you feel anxious and zap your energy. With this technique, you'll learn how to take bigger breaths, all the way into your belly.
• Get comfortable. You can lie on your back in bed or on the floor with a pillow under your head and knees. Or you can sit in a chair with your shoulders, head, and neck supported against the back of the chair.
• Breathe in through your nose. Let your belly fill with air.
• Breathe out through your nose.
• Place one hand on your belly. Place the other hand on your chest.
• As you breathe in, feel your belly rise. As you breathe out, feel your belly lower. The hand on your belly should move more than the one that's on your chest.
• Take three more full, deep breaths. Breathe fully into your belly as it rises and falls with your breath.
Box Breathing (Medical News Today)
Box breathing is a simple technique that a person can do anywhere, including at a work desk or in a cafe. Before starting, people should sit with their back supported in a comfortable chair and their feet on the floor.
Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose while counting to four slowly. Feel the air enter your lungs.
Hold your breath inside while counting slowly to four. Try not to clamp your mouth or nose shut. Simply avoid inhaling or exhaling for 4 seconds.
Begin to slowly exhale for 4 seconds.
Repeat steps 1 to 3 at least three times. Ideally, repeat the three steps for 4 minutes, or until calm returns.
If someone finds the technique challenging to begin with, they can try counting to three instead of four. Once someone is used to the technique, they may choose to count to five or six.
Breathing Beads
Five Finger Breathing
Exercising 5 Tips to Start Running
Run Happy
Creating a Special Calm-Down Retreat Space ("Chill Spot" or "Recombobulation Area") with a Favorite Calming Activity Some items you might want in your calm-down space:
Coloring or drawing supplies
Craft supplies (beading, knitting, crocheting, needle point, etc.)
A puzzle
Meditation or Prayer Book
Journal or journaling paper
Candle
Music (with or without headphones)
Musical Instrument (if you play)
Listening to Some Soothing Music Take some deep breaths
Learning to Breathe
Good Things Come to Those Who Breathe
Piano Relaxation (Spotify)
Relaxing Classical (Spotify)
Accessing a Different, More Positive Emotion Gratitude
Laugh/Humor
My "Funny Stuff" Board on Pinterest (Warning: My kids say this stuff is only funny to me.)
Asking for a Hug Loosening up Quotes Audrey: "It's important to be self-aware and know what our personality and setpoint is ... 8.m4a
Audrey: "When our kids see us ...9.m4a
In this episode, I am speaking live with parents from Wayne Highlands School District and Superintendent Greg Frigoletto at Lakeside Elementary. We discuss my book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, and my key parenting tips and takeaways from lessons learned at camp.
I spent the first week of October in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin speaking with teachers, parents, and camp professionals. You read about these events and see more pictures in this post.
Big Ideas * Parents need to have a growth mindset when thinking about their parenting skills. * Lessons we learn at camp are: + how to relate to kids + how to make sure kids feel connected + how to handle different behavioral issues as they come up * It helps parents to "begin with the end in mind" (Dr. Stephen R. Covey) when deciding where they can make a more of an effort with their kids. * Connection is crucial. Begin a daily habit of checking in one-on-one with kids and let children take the lead when they have thoughts to share. * Independent kids become the kind of adults that people enjoy working with. + Allow kids to find solutions to their problems and issues as they arise. + Respond with, "Tell me your decision and I'll tell you why its the right one." This statement shows kids that you believe in their abilities. * A habit of "purposeful positivity" and optimism promotes resilience. * Allowing kids to be themselves and focusing on their strengths, instead of their weaknesses, brings out the best in them. * We discuss positive tactics for dealing with common issues parents face, such as: + whining + fighting + picky eaters + kids who don't listen + making transitions; routines and structure + stressed-out teens + gossiping * Sometimes ignoring bad behaviors is the best approach. * It's important to talk with your kids about the rules and have real conversations about your values so that they understand the "why" behind your expectations.
Quotes Audrey: "What I'd really like the subtitle of my talk to be is, 'All I really need to know about parenting, I learned at summer camp.' Sometimes, as parents, we tend to overcomplicate things."
Audrey: "To me, a growth mindset is just remembering that we can all do little things to get better and so can our kids. I think sometimes it's really simple, small things that do make a big difference. You have to keep evolving anyway because kids change and each kid is different so just being open to thinking about the little things you can do is really important."
Audrey: "Kids need at least five positive messages for every one critical or feedback message."
Audrey: "Most of the world does not go to camp. This is true, but many of the things that we do at camp can help the rest of the world. That's what my book is about: how to create that camp like growth and setting at home."
Audrey: "Instead of feeling overwhelmed that there are so many things you have to do, just think about one thing at a time and make sure that one thing is on the path towards your end goal."
Audrey: "If there's just one thing that you can do, give your children or your child your full attention for at least a couple of minutes every day."
Audrey: "We can be so distracted that we forget to actually look in someone's eyes and say, 'What's going on? How are you doing? What can I help you with today?' A one-on-one check-in is not 'How much homework do you have? What time is practice?' or those kinds of logistical questions."
Audrey: "One of the things we enjoy about the people we work with are self-starters who figure out how to solve problems. It's a really important trait for adulthood."
Audrey: "I think when we are so fearful, we hold our kids back so much that they don't get the chance to show us all they can do."
Audrey: "Reframe your child's negative characteristics or weaknesses into more of a strength. You can have a more positive mindset even about negative situations that come up."
Audrey: "We can really change what our kids believe about themselves, their dreams, their lives, just by how positive we are about things and optimistic."
Audrey: "Oftentimes things that we think of as weaknesses can be reframed as how they're going to serve them...A lot of differently-wired people do amazing things. In fact, the world really needs people who think and do things differently. Those are often the people who have the best innovations. We don't want to stamp them down by trying to make them conform."
Audrey: "Sometimes ignoring things is good as long as you're doing the positive, full attention for good things. They can't be ignored for everything. They need attention. They need connection."
Audrey: "I love the whole village idea. If you have extended family, good friends, teachers, coaches, these other people pouring into our kids' lives are really important."
Greg: "To have parents to rely on to talk through things is a great asset for kids. Minus you, there is a great struggle that they might not be able to overcome. In a stressed world, you being there for them and having them know that you are is really important."
Audrey: "Identify them as their best self. Instead of telling them not to do things, it's more helpful to help them to focus on where they want to be and who they want to be."
Audrey: "Remember that kids save their worst behavior for their parents. If they're getting good reports from teachers and everyone else, you're doing just fine."
Audrey: "We need to have real conversations with them so that we can feel confident that they will be able to problem-solve, that they will be able to make their own good decisions. If we don't give them that opportunity, they never get a chance to try it out."
Audrey: "One of the best ways that you can raise kids who become thriving adults is showing them what that looks like. Make sure you spend time with your friends and figure out a way to do your hobbies each week. That offers your kids a great model of what it looks like to be a thriving adult."
Related Podcast/Posts If you enjoyed this discussion, listen/read:
Ep. 100: Teens' Advice for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids
Ep. 68: 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families
Ep. 54: Parenting Tips from Summer Camp to Raise Healthy Kids with Dr. Jim Sears
10 Parenting Tips from Camp Counselors
Questions for Connection
Links Discussed Sunshine Parenting Book Hub
How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims
Yes Brain, Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
Anatomy of Trust, Brené Brown
B.R.A.V.I.N.G: The Seven Elements of Trust
In episode 107, I'm talking with Paul Tough about his latest book, The Years That Matter Most: How college makes or breaks us, a powerful mind-changing inquiry into higher education in the United States. We talk about the state of higher education today and how can we help more young Americans achieve success.
Big Ideas * Paul Tough's book examines the relationship between higher education and social mobility in the United States today and explores these questions: + Does college still work? + Is our system of high education fair? + How can we help more young Americans achieve success? * In the past, higher education was the great engine of social mobility but that relationship has broken down. Today it is viewed by many as an obstacle to social mobility. * The most selective institutions, with the biggest endowments and budgets, almost exclusively educate affluent students, while low-income students mostly go to less selective community colleges and regional public universities that spend much less on each student and have much lower graduation rates. * Studies show that some institutions spend as little as $4,000 a year per student compared to $150,000 or more on each student at elite, selective colleges. * More money per student is spent in public high schools than in most public colleges. * In the wealthiest zip codes, more students receive testing accommodations for learning differences than students from less affluent zip codes, which seems like one more advantage for the people who need them the least. * While colleges strive to differentiate themselves by their facilities, endowments, and many other attributes, the ethical character of the institution should also be considered. * Higher education is not a consumer good, it is a collective good. * Tough proposes 3 solutions: + Institutional change -- the level of admissions at private institutions needs to change. There should be pressure on them to admit more low-income students. + Families should consider the global implication of their decisions and allow the culture to shift away from 'what's better for me' in the short-term to 'what's better for society' in the long-term. + Public institutions need more funding and investment so that they can accommodate more low-income students and so that tuition rates don't continue to rise. * Although the College Board has tried to change public opinion, they continue to be a force for inequity. The fact remains, the more money you have, the higher your test scores. * Standardized test scores need to be given less weight. * Test-optional institutions found that they were able to admit more low-income, first-generation students who graduate and succeed at the same rate as other students.
Quotes Paul: "I think we have set up this system and there's no one villain that's responsible for the system. We all made it. It has inequities baked into and they're getting worse. It's clear now that there's this kind of stratification of institutions of higher education."
Paul: "We've heard a lot about how high tuition is at those private institutions, but the reality is that those institutions are losing money on each student. They spend more on each student than they bring in. That's because they believe it's going to pay off in the future when those alumni become rich donors."
Paul: "What is most remarkable to me about those numbers is that we pay for kids all the way through high school and then when they get to this more complicated, sophisticated, essential training for them to get ready for the workplace, we suddenly say, you can get by on a quarter as much as we were spending on you last year."
Audrey: "Our kids have gone to very good schools, and they chose them, but we weren't willing to jump through the hoops that we saw other people doing in order to get their kids into those (elite) schools. I was very put off by a lot of the ways other families dealt with things, especially around test prep."
Paul: "The overall fact that I think is so critical is that in reality, those students who are admitted to the most selective institutions are, as adults, making the most money."
Paul: "The reality is if you are a student at Stanford, if you work at Stanford, if you're part of that world, you are taking part in a system that is making the country more unfair. That's not just a Stanford thing. That's a reality at any of the similarly selective institutions."
Paul: "This generation of young people thinks about ethics, morality, and justice a lot and they should."
Paul: "The way they talk about race, identity, climate--it's inspiring. This is a generation that is putting ethics, and figuring out how to do the right thing, at the top of their priority list."
Paul: "When we look at higher education, we've been trained to see it as something that is a consumer good. If your kids benefit, then my kids fail. If my kids benefit, your kids lose out. That is not the way we used to think about higher education. It was a collective good."
Paul: "Considering the ethical quality of the system you're working in, and the system that you are applying to, is a really important consideration and I wouldn't be surprised if more and more young people start thinking about it."
Audrey: "We need high performing students at all the universities because that makes it more equitable. So if you're a super bright kid, you can actually benefit some of these larger public institutions in different states by getting some more brains there."
Paul: "In the fifties and sixties, students were choosing their colleges just based mostly on geography and as a result colleges were more like high schools. There was a mix of different performers--A students, B students, and C students--but then something changed. Those high performing students started to cluster together at just a few institutions."
Paul: "The algorithm that has been drummed into those students' heads is you just have to go to the most exclusive, most selective institution that will admit you. That worldview has created this stratification that is now so common in higher education."
Audrey: "Our kids are going to public institutions, not in our own state, which is crazy when you think about it. That is what a lot of families I know do because their kids can't get into the same schools that we went to when we were going to college."
Paul: "When we took that public funding away from the institutions in our own states, one solution they had was to begin admitting more out-of-state students because in-state tuition is less than out-of-state tuition...it just doesn't have the same kind of alignment between the mission (of public education) and the reality as I think it used to."
Paul: "The reality is that nothing's changed in terms of the relationship between the SAT and our class structure. Test scores on the SAT correlate highly with family income: the more money you have, the more likely you are to get a high test score."
Paul: "I think we need to be honest about the relationship between family income and SAT scores. Institutions need to find some way to take a more reasonable view of what those tests can do. We've given them way too much importance in our system."
Audrey: "I agree, they don't really predict anything. I've been working more on kids' social skills and character development because those things end up making kids more successful in their jobs and roles, wherever they went to college or whatever they majored in."
Paul: "You can sympathize with an admissions officer...All of this other stuff that we know is much more important in terms of evaluating a child and their potential is harder to put numbers on, harder to compare, whereas those numbers (test scores) just seem so tempting, so scientific. They look so nice."
Audrey: "This competitive thing just goes on at every level, whether it's the kids applying or the schools trying to have the highest averages, entering SAT and all that stuff."
Audrey: "I do think we need some major overhaul. Hopefully, 'varsity blues' and some of these things in your book will get us back on track so that our higher education system is doing what it's supposed to be doing for our country."
More from Paul Tough "Working on this book was a remarkable experience: It took me six years to complete, and I reported in twenty-one states. The best part was getting to meet and hear the stories of so many remarkable young people — from the South Bronx to the affluent suburbs of D.C. to the Appalachian foothills of North Carolina — all of them trying to figure out how best to negotiate a path through the sometimes-treacherous landscape of American higher education.
In the book, I tell their stories — sometimes joyful, sometimes heart-rending, sometimes infuriating — and I do my best to place those stories into a larger context. I talked to dozens of economists and sociologists and educators who helped me understand why our system of colleges and universities functions the way it does — and why it so often seems unbalanced and unfair."
-Paul Tough
PBS News Hour: Admissions scandal highlights 'disconnect' between colleges' message and action
Amazon: The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us
Paultough.com
Paul Tough on Facebook
Paul Tough on Twitter
Paul's Speaking Engagements
NYT Book Review
Related Podcasts & Posts If you liked this podcast episode, listen to:
Ep. 79: Thoughts on the College Admissions Scandal
Ep. 34: Advice on College, Transferring, and How to Support Your Kids with Their Decisions
Ep. 21 Advice for the College Application and Selection Process
Read Conversations before College: WHO you are matters more than WHERE you go
Don't miss my Happier in Hollywood Podcast: Ep. 123 Happy Camper at Work
In this episode, I’m chatting with author Nefertiti Austin about her latest book, Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. We talk about her journey to adoption as a single Black woman and some of the issues faced by mothers of color and adoptive mothers. When she couldn’t find any books on the topic while going through the adoption process, she decided to write her own.
Big Ideas * Fostered and adopted kids need to be given age-appropriate information from caregivers about their situations. * Good communication is critical to helping kids understand what is going on around them. * It’s important to never talk badly about a child’s biological parents, no matter the situation. * Allow kids to try new things and leave the door open for them to pursue their interests. * The term ‘crack babies’ is a misnomer; there is no evidence to support the idea that children exposed to substances in utero can’t thrive in a healthy, stable home environment. People should not be afraid to adopt a child who might be born addicted. * Single mothers need to find positive male role models for their children. They can find support from men in the community through sports, church, friendships, and extended family. * The Anti-Bias Education that has emerged in recent years is hopefully moving the needle, but the best way to help communities overcome racial prejudices and discrimination is for more families to connect with people who are different from them. * If you are adopting a child of a different race, do your homework, understand their culture, and make friends with people of their race. * It’s important to respect cultural differences.
Quotes Nefertiti: “I always wanted a family, wanted to be married and have children but as I got older, what was really important to me was helping a child in need.”
Audrey: “it seems like because of your experience, you understand that adopted kids need a lot of talking to and explaining about their situation.”
Nefertiti: “When I became a mom, I made a point to talk about adoption with my kids when they were very young. I started using the word ‘adoption’ and reading books to them so that it was really normalized.”
Nefertiti: “I make a point to let them know that I’m so happy that they chose me, that I love them, and this is just the best place for all of us.”
Nefertiti: “Your ‘parents’ are the people who provide a home for you, feed you, love you, help you with your homework, and help you kind of get on in the world.”
Audrey: “One of the reasons people choose adoption is to give kids the opportunity to have the family that all children deserve.”
Nefertiti: “I was looking for words, for information, for contexts to be able to share with people and it wasn’t there I had to create it for myself.”
Nefertiti: “The child’s trajectory turned on the environment; that seemed to be the biggest thing that was going to either help a child thrive or not.”
Nefertiti: “When you take a look at those families where drugs, violence, or neglect play a central role in a child’s life, if you remove those barriers and put them in a stable, loving household, then it is 180 degrees from what they first thought.”
Audrey: “You really had a plan to have a community in place to support your family. You had role models--men, aunts and uncles, and miscellaneous people--creating a support network.”
Nefertiti: “Any woman who is going to have a child of the opposite sex, whether you give birth or not, that child needs his community."
Audrey: “I think reading to kids and having them develop a love of reading is just so important because it opens up the world to them, whatever they decide to be interested in, they can then go out and find it.”
Audrey: “I really appreciate that you wrote this book because I think it’s not only going to be helpful for the people who are in your same circumstances, black mothers, adopting as single women, but also in the general adoption community.”
Nefertiti: “If a child can go to a loving, stable home, a home where the parents have really thought about what that’s going to mean (being in a mixed family), then they should go there.”
Nefertiti: “The best way to move the needle is through interpersonal relations. You can read anything, but you have an emotional distance from it. It doesn’t impact you and it’s hard to see your own bias. It’s hard to see your own privilege. It requires people sitting down with one another and listening to stories about each other.”
Nefertiti: “My book isn’t specifically for black mothers. There really is something for everyone. It’s important that all mothers come together—period. There is a racial hierarchy in motherhood and that needs to go away.”
Nefertiti: “I think moms have a lot of power and our voices collectively could make a huge difference. If we could come together and really support each other, our kids would feel a lot better about themselves, who they’re friends with and be less suspicious of the ‘other’.”
Audrey: “You can’t ‘other’ people you are friends with.”
Resources/Books Mentioned Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption
Angie Thomas’ On The Come Upand The Hate U Give
About Nefertiti [caption id="attachment_6387" align="alignright" width="438"]Nefertiti Austin[/caption]
Author and memoirist, Nefertiti Austin writes about the erasure of diverse voices in motherhood. Her work around this topic has been short-listed for literary awards and appeared in the “Huffington Post”, MUTHA, “The Establishment”, matermea.com, Essence.com, “Adoptive Families” magazine, PBS SoCal’s “To Foster Change” and PBS Parents. She was the subject of an article on race and adoption in “The Atlantic” and appeared on “HuffPost Live” and “One Bad Mother”, where she shared her journey to adoption as a single Black woman.
Nefertiti’s expertise stems from firsthand experience and degrees in U.S. History and African-American Studies. Nefertiti is a former Certified PS-MAPP Trainer, where she co-led classes for participants wanting to attain a license to foster and/or adopt children from the foster care system. An alumna of Breadloaf Writers’ Conference and VONA, her first two novels, Eternity and Abandon, helped usher in the Black Romance genre in the mid-1990s.
Contact Nefertiti www.nefertitiaustin.com
Instagram.com/iamnefertitiaustin
Twitter.com/nefertitiaustin
Facebook.com/nefertitiaustin
If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to:
Episode 55: Raising Kids who Love to Read with Anne Driscoll
Episode 61: National Adoption Awareness Month
Episode 93: Teaching Healthy Relationship Skills to Improve Lives
Three Strategies for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
In this episode, I'm chatting with Dr. Rob Reiher, co-host of the Live Above the Noise podcast. Dr. Reiher is a developmental and educational psychologist, media expert and author. We discuss the escalating impact of technology, media, and consumerism and the overload on children, families, and society.
Dr. Reiher focuses on educating parents on the importance of teaching children to live above the noise and distraction of our world.
BIG IDEAS * Dr. Reiher's career began in product development but it soon became clear to him that the corporate world was more interested in profits than psychology. * When your work is not congruent with your beliefs, it can cause harm emotionally and physically. We need to live our values. * Humans are hard-wired to be distracted and are wired with blind spots. * The Inner IQ stands for Inner Integral Qualities – a critical set of inner qualities (such as self-management) that protect and prepare our children for the future. * There are 3 IQ categories and each category breaks down into 3 sub-categories: + your child's character - identity, values, and virtues + your child's competence - self-management, meaning, and mastery + your child's communication system - "me-com", "we-com", and "it-com" * All nine of those dimensions are critical for an individual's wellbeing and provide a framework to be able to see what's missing or breaking down. * Integral Qualities are not the same as Intellectual Quotient, which is what is measured in schools. * Because schools are they are not equipped to address the negative impact of toxic tech media and consumerism, they often contribute to the problem. * It is ultimately up to parents to prepare their kids with these important internal qualities (IQ). * It is important we learn to filter, manage and design our time, which can be broken down into 5 different types: + TCB - Taking Care of Business time + Toxic Time - when you feel emotional or upset + Coping Time - dealing with stress by distraction + Enrichment Time + Inside Time - self-talk, inner time * Take the time to self-reflect, or use the 5 Step PAUSE: + P - Prepare + A - Attune + U - Uncover + S - Shift + E - Elevate * The way you spend your time directly affects your wellbeing. For children to thrive and have fulfilling lives, we need to help them to live above the noise.
QUOTES Audrey: "I think it's a really important concept to teach kids to be more aware of what they're feeling, how things are impacting them and an ability to see when, for example, something is addicting versus just entertaining."
Rob: "We have an infinite appetite for distraction...and its a good thing in some ways. But when it gets manipulated by companies, then you have to make a decision. The combination of an infinite appetite for distraction and over 180 blind spots, creates the background for major trade-offs."
Audrey: "It seems like the whole goal is to help parents to understand how they can protect their children and prepare them to live in this world that is an endless stream of distractions."
Rob: "If we look at wellbeing as the goal, not happiness, and then if we go underneath wellbeing and we say, what do we know in positive psychology about how wellbeing works, we can create a framework for parents that would give them a way to keep track of the dimensions of wellbeing that may be in jeopardy."
Rob: "It's like it is the hardest thing in the world, in this overwhelming society, to say, what do I pay attention to? What is important? There are so many people saying so many things."
Rob: "Let's redefine what a smart kid is and understand that from a wellbeing perspective, as opposed to what schools still keep in place as an IQ. Unfortunately, the traditional IQ intelligence quotient that our schools promote does not adequately address the growing negative impact of toxic tech media and consumerism on our children's development. School alone is simply not enough to prepare them for a fulfilling future."
Rob: "I'm in love with your camp concept because that's one of the places (where kids can develop the good kind of IQ) being away from home, getting that break from technology."
Rob: "Time is our biggest issue now and everybody's really struggling with their time. Ask yourself, what trade-offs are you making in life as a result of the time crunch?"
Rob: "One interesting thing about that time crunch is that 11 million bits of information per second is coming at us. We're only capable of processing 5.7 of the 11 million bits of information per second. So what does that mean? Well, the implication is you better have a filter."
Rob: "You'd better understand how you're using your time and start to filter and restructure the information coming in (we know the brain is biological and that we have neuroplasticity) because we're wiring what's coming into the brain."
Audrey: "This obviously needs to start with parents modeling this for their kids because we're not going to raise kids who have good time design if we haven't figured it out."
Rob: "I think what we forget about often is that there are always these three interacting dimensions in life and don't ever forget that the cultural dimension who is creating what they want to get your attention to take your time away to make you trade off your life is creating those kinds of things out there that are purely designed for addiction."
Rob: "I look at what has happened over the last 20 years, with this speed of change in the mix and with the tradeoffs that we've made, the inner communication has been the one that's been affected the most...That whole inner world which is the conduit to the higher brain functioning, to you abilities to understand yourself and revise you you are, is the one that's paying the biggest price for the change in culture."
Audrey: "It's so unusual today for kids to ever have five minutes where they're inside themselves just thinking, reflecting, and I think it's true with adults too. I think many adults go days, weeks, months without any inner reflection time."
Audrey: "My way of getting inside is to write down my thoughts. It gets me to slow down and stop doing that immediate-answer kind of thing. I do think that providing our kids and our families those kinds of opportunities, even if it's just five minutes sitting on the couch quietly together, stops all the craziness."
Rob: "The funnel of Choice-Fulness is first 'awareness', second 'ability' and then 'control'. If you don't work on the first part of the funnel, which is increasing your awareness, you're going to pay a price for your abilities because you need awareness. You translate those into how you control the world around you and you fine-tune your skills, what you've learned by uncovering those abilities, into your future."
RESOURCES Listen to my interview on the Live Above the Noise podcast.
https://liveabovethenoise.com/podcasts/episode-15-parenting-expert-audrey-monke-social-skills-and-grit/
Find Dr. Reiher on LinkedIn
FutureWise Inc.
Books by Robert Reiher
Related Posts/Podcasts If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to Episode 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Hoayoun.
Ep. 96: Unplugged & Happy at Camp
Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with Our Families
In this episode, Sara and I are chatting with Pam Roy, who offers research-based and important information for parents about education and career planning. We talk about how the world we're working in has changed and evolved since we were in college and how to position our kids for a successful future. This episode was recorded in response to the recent news about the college admissions scandal.
Here are a few relevant posts to check out on Pam's blog:
Preparing Students for Success in the New Economy
No Time to Lose: We Must Broaden Our Children's Exposure to the Real World
A Generation of Students Caught Between Two Worlds
Modern Parenting: The Downside of a One-sided Balance Sheet
The Dollars and Sense of a College Degree
Big Ideas * A college degree does not necessarily make a successful adult. * Human beings are not standardized, and our world needs all the different types of human beings. * Many jobs require a very specific skill set, but not a degree. * Millennials are getting to make choices about their work-life balance. * Debt curtails choice. * There are many different pathways to success today. * We have many choices today that we didn't have five years ago.
Quotes Pam: "I started my blog because I, myself, went back to college. And while I was at college- I have three daughters who are now eighteen, nineteen, and twenty-one, who are also either in the college process or in college. So lots of college, college, college, all around me."
Pam: "I found in my experience at college that something was happening where education was operating in a silo, separate from what was happening in the real world. And this I was very curious about. Why weren't they teaching about what was actually happening in the real world?"
Pam: "I began exploring the economy. And the changes in the economy that had come about because of the technology. And this whole new world that's been changed because we have smartphones and clouds and all this new way of operating and automation taking over a lot of it."
Audrey: "In a lot of other countries they do things differently. Kids have a bit more of an ability to think about other things they could possibly do, and I know a lot of high schools have some really cool programs where you can explore auto mechanics, welding."
Sara: "If we start with the end in mind, if we stop and say, ' what is a successful grownup?', our definition isn't going to be 'for your degree at Harvard'."
Pam: "We are undergoing the greatest transformation human civilization has ever known. We're no longer working in a physical world. We are working in a cyber-physical space."
Pam: "Human beings are not standardized, and our world needs all the different types of human beings."
Pam: "All these pathways have opened up since our industries have unbundled."
Audrey: "The problem has become when we're trying to cram everybody, the squares, the triangles, and the hexagons, into one round hole."
Pam: "We have this idealism, born of an old idea, and we're not stepping back and realizing how much our worlds have transformed, what that means for the new economy, and the fact that our kids are entering an era that looks much different from what we knew."
Pam: "We've raised a very sick generation. There are so many that commit suicide."
Pam: "The work-life balance for these millennials- they're choosing it! Seventy percent choose their work-life balance."
Pam: "When you have debt you do not have choice."
Sara: "We can cultivate our kids' interests at a very young age."
Pam: "I did that Coursera course, on the Science of Wellbeing, from the Yale professor, Dr. Santos, and she talked about reference points, and how critical it was to wellbeing to have alternative reference points."
Pam: "It's not saying college is bad. College is an 'if and when' decision now."
Pam: "It all starts with interests and strengths. That is the key."
Audrey: "Everything that I learned to do, that I do today, I learned outside of school. With the exception of learning to write."
Links Pam's Website
David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants
Coursera course on the science of wellbeing: https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
Articles about the College Admissions Scandal:
https://www.forbes.com/sites/zackfriedman/2019/03/18/30-facts-college-admissions-scandal/#23ca776112a0
http://nymag.com/intelligencer/2019/03/college-admissions-scandal-what-every-kid-knew.html
Related posts and podcasts Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive in Middle School and Beyond
Ep. 77: Comparison is the Thief of (Parenting) Joy
Conversations Before College: Who You are Matters More Important Than Where You Go
In Episode 103, I'm chatting with Carla Naumberg, a writer, speaker, clinical social worker, and parenting coach. She's the author of three parenting books, including the one that we discuss in this podcast episode, How To Stop Losing Your S*** With Your Kids: A practical guide to becoming a calmer, happier parent.
BIG IDEAS * Mindful parenting allows you to have stronger relationships with your children and enjoy parenting more. * The strategies you use to remain calm with your kids will work with everyone else as well. * Parents often feel deep, overwhelming shame about the way they explode at their kids and this often gets in the way of their ability to parent in the way they want to. * When parents become triggered, it's the fight or flight response of their nervous system being activated. * Parents need the time to exercise, to get some quiet time alone, and to do some fun things. This will make them less likely to yell at their kids. * Parents need support. * Parents should realize that it's necessary to take care of themselves, and they are worthy of doing that.
QUOTES Carla: "The whole point of mindful parenting is so that we can have a stronger relationship with our children and enjoy parenting more."
Audrey: "All of these strategies that you share here also work with siblings, aging parents, spouses, co-workers. In general, the same strategies that help you to stay calm and respond more the way you want to with your kids, also help with everyone else."
Carla: "So many parents feel a deep shame about the way they explode with their kids. The shame, for some parents, is really overwhelming and it's paralyzing. And it gets in the way of their ability to parent the way they want to."
Carla: "Everyone talks about kids pushing our buttons, or your buttons being pushed. I love that because it's a great metaphor for what's going on in our bodies and our nervous systems when we are 'triggered'. I define 'triggered' as anything that makes us more likely to lose our temper with our kids. So when we are triggered, we are in some kind of a heightened state and it's really about our nervous system and this fight or flight reaction that we have. Even when it's a kid who we on some level know can't really hurt us, there is something about their behavior that is threatening to us on an emotional level, on a psychological level, and maybe even on a physical level."
Carla: "The goal here is to not get our kids to stop pushing our buttons. That would be a nice goal but it's not realistic. So the goal of the book, and what I talk about, is how can we make our buttons smaller and dimmer and less sensitive, so that when the kid comes around with their finger out, looking for something to push, it's not going to be us."
Carla: "Getting time away from your kids, getting quiet time, getting time to do something fun is important. But a big one that I think most parents aren't even aware of is this idea that I bring up of single-tasking, which is doing one thing at a time. What I think many parents don't realize is that any time we're multi-tasking, or trying to do multiple things at once, we're actually triggering ourselves."
Carla: " The way to get better at this is to think of it as a practice. And by practice, I mean something that when you start out you're really not very good at it, and then the more you do it, you actually get better at it. The idea is to notice when our mind is wandering and then to make a conscious decision to bring it back to this thing we're doing. That's going to put you in a much better position to notice when you're about to lose your temper. And so when you notice that, you can make a choice to do something other than yelling at your kids."
Carla: "We don't get the support we need and there's no shame in asking for support and help. So, in the book, I want to break it down for people. What kind of support do we need? Really, I get very specific and concrete about the kinds of support we need, what it looks like, and how to find it. And how it can make parenting so much easier."
Carla: "I think that the amount of stress and tension that we carry, and this need to manage every aspect of our kids' lives, and that it all has to be perfect, absolutely contributes to the extent to which we lose our temper with our children."
Carla: "I think it's really important to start to shift our mindset so that we are worthy of taking care of ourselves. Even if for no other reason than we will be yelling at our kids less often."
Related Podcasts/Posts Ep. 97: Parenting the Challenging Child
Ep. 89: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Book Summary Ever lose it with your kid? If so, you’re definitely not alone. Parenting is stressful, children are insane, and you’re only human. Carla Naumburg, PhD, a clinical social worker, was so at a loss with her daughters that she found herself Googling “how to stop yelling at my kids” during a particularly grueling evening. That moment led to this book—a short, empathic, insight-packed, and tip-filled program for how to manage your triggers, stop the meltdowns, and become a calmer, happier parent with calmer, happier kids.
How to Stop Losing Your Sht with Your Kids not only explains why we explode at our children but also teaches us everything we need to know to decrease stress and increase patience, even in the most challenging family moments. Based on recent research and evidence-based practices, and written in the warm, funny, instantly relatable tone of a parent who’s been there, the book guides even the most harried parents toward a new way of engaging with their children. Readers will come away feeling less ashamed and more empowered to get their sht together, instead of losing it.
About Carla Carla Naumburg, PhD, is a writer, speaker, and clinical social worker. She is the author of three parenting books: How to Stop Losing Your Sht With Your Kids (Workman, 2019), Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family (New Harbinger, 2015), and Parenting in the Present Moment: How to Stay Focused on What Really Matters (Parallax, 2014). Carla has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, CNN, and Mindful Magazine*, among other places. Carla is a sought-after public speaker, and she lives outside of Boston with her husband, daughters, and two totally insane cats.
Links Carla's Website: www.carlanaumburg.com
Instagram: @carlanaumburg
Facebook: Carla Naumburg, PhD
Twitter: @swmama
Newsletter: www.carlanaumburg.com/signup
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
Listener Question: How do I help my 13-year-old daughter with her social anxiety?
Social Anxiety Resources:
What is Social Anxiety?
Social Anxiety Disorder, WED MD
Parenting News: New research on screen time's impact on our kids' ability to persevere through problem solving: "Turn it Off Right Now!" Great Schools
Parenting Tip: Have family members think up a "question of the night" for each person to answer.
Quote of the cast:
"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island...to find one real friend is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing." Baltasar Gracian
Resources/Related:
Questions for Connections
10 Ways to Create a Happy and Connected Class
5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Why Cheerleaders Have Happier Marriages, Christine Carter
In Episode 102, I'm chatting with Lisa Heffernan, the co-founder of Grown and Flown, the popular website, blog and Facebook group with nearly 120,000 members. We talk about the brand new book that she has co-authored with Mary Dell Harrington, called Grown And Flown, How To Support Your Teen, Stay Close As Family, And Raise Independent Adults, which draws upon the expert advice they've curated over the years. Just as their tagline suggests, "Parenting Never Ends." Kids need different types of support from their parents when they've left home and parents need to make big adjustments, as well. We discuss some common issues faced by parents with "grown" kids.
In Episode 53, I'm chatting with my oldest daughter and favorite high school English teacher, Gretchen Monke. She has done a terrific job of connecting with her students and has some excellent insights on how parents can partner with teachers to help kids succeed at school. We discuss four ways to help your child succeed at school.
#1 Promote Ownership Over Their own Education Help child take more ownership over their own education.
Encourage them to communicate directly with their teacher.
#2 Help Them Get Organized Organizational skills are really important. Make sure they have an organized agenda and binder.
Digital organization is important, as well.
A lot of children don't have organizational skills.
"But ultimately is the student's responsibility to take that information and learn it and apply it. And I think sometimes parents place that responsibility on teachers."
"I can teach your child how to write a paragraph, but I can't write it for them."
#3 Teach Kids to Be Proactive The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens is a book about habits that can help your teen improve different aspects of their life.
1st Habit is being proactive
"I really want to work on fostering a better relationship with my parents."
Teens still want a close relationship with parents.
Share Advice with Teachers
Share your child's interests/what you enjoy.
"If you have a child who is struggling to develop that independence and autonomy and is maybe nervous talking to their teachers, something that has worked well is a parent has emailed me and said, 'Hey, would you mind prompting this discussion with my student?'"
"We need to communicate with each other. Let's all share information." Audrey
#4 Give Teachers Some Grace "Approach teachers with patience." Gretchen
"I value every student as an individual, but it's hard to help everyone at once." Gretchen
"We need to be a little more forgiving/understanding at seeing other people's perspective." Audrey
"We're all on the same team so that partnership is really, really important." Audrey
Resources/Links Ep. 43: The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey
AVID - college readiness
The Gift of Failure, Jessica Lahey
How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
The Wisdom of High School Girls
"Giving too much is oftentimes an affliction of the wealthy, but taking away the struggle is a problem with everybody."
-Richard Watts
"Palm trees, in that process of growing, what's actually happening in the wind is they're actually cracking and they're breaking. And when the skin breaks, they scar. And when they scar, they become stronger. And as they get older and older, they get to the point where they have so much scarring that they can withstand almost any storm. And what we do with our kids, it's almost like taking a palm tree indoors. We want to grow them and nurture them in a greenhouse..."
-Richard Watts
Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do if You Have Back in April, when Sara Kuljis and I spoke at Pegasus School, parents there told me about Richard Watts, who had spoken at the school earlier in the year. We were introduced, and he then sent me a copy of his book Entitlemania. In this episode, we talk about the book and Richard's ideas about what to do and what not to do when it comes to passing along your family business, planning for your estate, and giving your kids big gifts.
BIG IDEAS * Certain difficulties and issues go along with being very wealthy. * When people get very wealthy they tend to become isolated and suspicious because the people around them usually have an ulterior motive in getting to know them. * By insulating your kids and buying their way out of failure, you're not allowing them to learn about long-term staying power, how to manage themselves or to discover their passion. * It seems that everybody at all income levels, in this generation of parents, wants to take away the problems from their kids, hold them close, and make sure that they don't ever get hurt. * By getting things wrong, kids learn how to get things right. * Taking over the family business can place a child on a path of a career choice that's not being found or directed by that child, and, as a result, they will lack passion. * It's not healthy to bring your kids into your estate planning too early because it takes away the incentive for them to go forward and do their own thing. * It's important to ensure that however you give your kids money, you don't change their current lifestyle.
QUOTES Richard: "The entitlement issue brings on two different components. One, giving too much, and two, taking away the struggle. Giving too much is oftentimes an affliction of the wealthy, but taking away the struggle is a problem with everybody."
Audrey: "It's so true that in nature we have a great example of what we need to do for our kids, which is to allow them to get blown around a little when they're small, more and more as they get older, and help them, be there for them, but not stop them from bending and going through those difficult, challenging circumstances."
Richard: "By getting it wrong, they will learn to get it right.
Richard: "The reason that I generally believe that family businesses create conflict is that it starts a child on a path of a career choice and a passion that's not being found or directed by the child. And oftentimes, it causes a lot of family disharmony."
Richard: "You can never outrun someone who's being fueled by passion. Never. The person with a passion can live it all day long, they can sleep it all night long, they can get up in the morning and do it, but they're so passionate because they built it and they own it, that they go 100%. Well, when you do that kind of a job, it's oftentimes very difficult for a child to follow and not feel like they have this unspoken criticism of never measuring up to what Mom and Dad did."
Richard: "If I were doing it the right way, I would have the daughter go and work for a competitor, and say, 'Here, go get a job over there, and look around and spend two to three years working there and see if you like it, without having the nepotism of everyone knowing that you had the right last name, and so everyone's going to treat you special. You need to go over there and learn the hard way. And then, if you really like it, let's talk'."
Richard: "I believe that it's not good to bring your kids in at early stages to your wealth, to your estate planning, because the truth is that it's part of giving too much. It's part of ensuring their future and it takes away the opportunities for them to go out and to have the incentive to go forward and do their own thing. When they know there's a safety net, they tend not to grapple with their own future quite as seriously."
Richard: "'How much is too much to give our kids?' is the wrong question. The right question is, 'How little is too little?' So I tell my clients to begin by giving them nothing."
Richard: "I tell my clients that I would rather see them secure their kids' future than to spoil their future. And securing might mean giving them money so that if they have hospital problems, and medical problems, and children that have got deficits, education that you want to pay for, for your grandkids--all of those things are really great ways to secure their future. And you can do that with simple trusts."
Richard: "My overview is that you just need to make sure that however you give them the money, you don't change their current lifestyle. You don't want them to start buying material things. You want to just ensure the wellbeing of their future."
Richard: "In giving our kids all the things we didn't have, we forget to give them what we did have."
About Richard Richard Watts is the founder and president of Family Business office, a legal and consulting firm in Orange County, California. He is a published author of “Fables of Fortune: What Rich People Have That You Don’t Want,” and “Entitlemania: How Not to Spoil Your Kids, and What to Do If You Have.” Richard writes for and contributes to numerous publications including Newsweek, Forbes, CNBC, Variety Magazine, and The Washington Times, among others. And has appeared on Fox Nation, NPR, NBC, and CBS. Richard speaks internationally on the effects of wealth on parenting and the American family. Variety Magazine calls Richard, “one of the nation’s leading experts on the issues of child entitlement and family wealth.
Resources/Related Episodes http://www.entitlemania.com/
https://www.facebook.com/entitlemania/
https://twitter.com/richwatts
If you liked this episode, listen to Ep.100: Teen's Advice for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids
Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive During their School Years and Beyond with Pam Roy
Ep. 11: The Opposite of Spoiled with Ron Leiber
How Doing Less Made Me a Better Parent
7 Ways to Help Kids Through their Teen Years
In Episode 100, I'm chatting with an amazing group of young adults ages 16 and 17 who participated in a month-long junior counselor program. They share their thoughts on ways parents can raise thriving, independent and responsible young adults.
BIG IDEAS * To help kids learn, gain confidence and independence, there are things parents should be letting their kids do early on, such as: + traveling alone, navigating the airport, even flying by themselves + packing bags, getting their own school stuff together + doing their own laundry + cooking (especially holiday meals), + managing their time * Establish expectations and a level of trust with your teen. * Using technology to track your kids can cause unnecessary stress. * Camp is a great break for parents because they don’t track their kids. They know they’re safe and so they can relax. * Talk ahead of time about safe, comfortable ways to communicate with your teen while they are out so that you can be there to help when needed. * Trust first. Trust that your child is responsible until they prove you wrong.
QUOTES Audrey: "When parents are there (kids) just kind of default to letting them do it all because they’re so used to doing it. It's easy for parents to just drag (kids) along. But parents can start putting kids in charge, even when they’re there, and they can start that really young.”
Audrey: “When you think about college and who you want in your dorm, you want people who’ve had experience taking care of themselves a little bit and living in a shared space.”
Audrey: “When kids are going to preschool and you’re helping them get their lunchbox ready, that is appropriate. But I think sometimes it just keeps going a little too long. You could switch over to just saying, ‘Okay not that you’re in (whatever grade) you get to start being in charge of remembering your own lunch’ and that kind of thing.”
Audrey: “If someone else packs your backpack for you every day, at what point do you figure out what you need and how to do it yourself?”
Audrey: “Being aware that you have things to learn is the starting point. A lot of it is your responsibility to figure out. So, if your parents empower you like, ‘Hey—what are the things you want to learn this year?’ that is a big deal."
Audrey: “It’s kind of interesting how focused we are on academic stuff, but we neglect to learn some things that are part of being an independent person like being able to take care of your belongings, your laundry, your feeding, all that stuff.”
Teens: “Kids love to cook, too. Instead of saying, ‘No, can I just get this done?’ allow them to do little tasks like mixing the brownie mix, cracking the eggs. Encouraging that at a young age spikes interest and eventually, you don’t even realize that you already learned how to scramble eggs or make a quesadilla.”
Teens: “I wish my parents gave me more responsibility and made me feel like they trusted me. My parents do track me wherever I go, check all my social media, look at my phone and I have no privacy. That makes me feel like I’m not trusted or like I don’t have as much of my own life. If they gave me more freedom, I feel like it could be better.”
Audrey: “The problem is that you can’t prove to someone that you can do something until you’re given the opportunity to try it.”
Audrey: “We’re living in a time where parents are very fear-based. They’re so worried that something terrible is going to happen and we believe that if we know where you are, something terrible is not going to happen. But it’s kind of weird because just knowing where someone is doesn’t mean that or really make the difference.”
Audrey: “If something’s not going well, I want my kids to come to me and ask for advice if they need me to help but I don’t want my kids to be thinking that I’m going to take care of it for them.”
Audrey: “Anything that someone else if doing for you means that there is no motivation to figure it out for yourself. If you know someone else is going to take care of it, why would you start?”
Teens: “If you establish expectations and your kids know that you’re there if needed but also what is expected of them and if you want your kids to do those things, then there’s a level of trust that exists that is necessary for a healthy relationship.”
Audrey: “I think it’s causing a lot of stress for parents because now they think they’re supposed to be checking their kids’ everything, every day. That is like a whole other job.”
Audrey: “There's so much dangerous stuff happening on college campuses and kids go from like the kind of things that we're all talking about to basically being unsupervised 100% of the time. And for a lot of kids it leads to just bad decisions because they haven't had much practice. Because if you've been so closely monitored, you haven't had any practice making decisions.”
RELATED:
Ep. 92: Creating Strong Relationships with Teens
Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
https://sunshine-parenting.com/2018/05/what-do-kids-need-at-different-ages/
LINKS:
Audrey's website www.sunshine-parenting.com
Audrey's email: audrey@sunshine-parenting.com
I wrote the book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, because I really wanted to share with parents and teachers some of the simple strategies that we use at summer camp to create these really amazing experiences for our campers, where they grow in their confidence, social skills, and happiness, over just a few weeks at camp. You can find out all about Happy Campers on my website at www.happycampersbook.com.
If you're interested in joining a group conversation, seeing videos and additional resources related to Happy Campers, there's lots more information about my summer read-along on my website, in the Book Hub.
The Myth of the Perfect Girl In Episode 99, I talk with Ana Homayoun, a nationally recognized counselor and consultant specializing in positive strategies for junior high and high school students. Ana was previously on the podcast (Ep. 45) talking about her book Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials).
I feel equally as enthusiastic about her book, The Myth of the Perfect Girl: Helping Our Daughters Find Authentic Success and Happiness in School and Life, and that's the book we talk about in this episode.
We cover a few of the topics from the book, including why girls tend to think they have to be perfect, why girls are especially sensitive to and influenced by the expectations of others, and ways we can encourage our daughters to seek their own path and their own interests in life.
Big Ideas * Ana and her team at Green Ivy Educational Consulting want kids to develop into thoughtful, resilient, and interesting young people. And to take those skills to college and beyond. * It's important for kids to find a sense of joy and fulfillment, and also a sense of purpose and meaning in their daily work, both inside and outside of the classroom. * There's a lot around the culture of perfectionism that doesn't go away when we get older. * We all need to reflect and get to know what's important to us, and what our own values are, to be the most powerful that we can be within our own minds. * Girls often struggle to figure out what brings them a personal sense of purpose, joy, and fulfillment, in their quest to achieve external standards of perfection. * Kids need to have some time off. * Children need to understand whether what they are doing is energizing or draining. * Summer camp offers kids a change in schedule, and an opportunity to learn things in a different environment. * Parents should focus on having compassion, empathy, and understanding around social media use, and also around their child being a middle-schooler or a high-schooler in general. * Parents need to understand and accept unconditionally who their kids are. * Spiritual wellness is important, as well as social, emotional, and physical wellness.
Quotes Ana: "So much around the culture of perfectionism doesn't go away when we get older."
Ana: "We see the research that says anxiety and depression, particularly among teen girls, are increasing. I think part of it is if we back up and figure out why are we not having the conversation around purpose and meaning earlier? So that kids can explore and build their own blueprint, rather than what I call 'borrow someone else's'. In the book, I call it 'filling the box' rather than 'building your own'. What it means really, is that you're constantly looking at what everyone else is doing, rather than figuring out 'what's important to me. What are my values? How are my daily habits reflecting those values or moving me closer, or away from those values?' "
Ana: "Parents need to help their kids identify what energizes them and what drains them. And to look at their behaviors accordingly. A mistake we make around social media and technology is that we always tell kids what they should be doing. But we don't even look at our own modeling around it."
Ana: "Instead of coming from a place of anger and frustration, parents should really focus on having compassion, empathy, and understanding, not just around social media use, but really around being a middle-schooler or a high-schooler in general. Because the combination of going through puberty, and having excessive academic and extra-curricular and athletic expectations, is a never-ending 'nothing is ever good enough.' "
Ana: "The number one thing that middle-school and high-school girls can benefit from is parents who assess their own house, socially. Even if you feel so secure as an adult, there is that twinge of challenge when you watch your child struggle socially."
Ana: "Understand who your child is and accept them for who they are. Really understanding and accepting your daughter as who she is, and allowing her to develop into her sense of self; unconditional acceptance is also really important."
Ana: "A lot of times kids put stress on themselves, and pressure on themselves, because they see what everybody else is doing."
Ana: "Make sure that your child has multiple outlets, or what I call 'clusters of connection'."
Ana: "A lot of people don't fully realize all the media that girls are consuming when they look at reality television and the relationships and how they're portrayed on reality television. So helping them evaluate, 'what is it that I'm consuming?' 'What is it that's coming into my life?' And, 'what are the things that you need to do to feel emotionally based and secure so that you can promote physical wellness around nutrition, exercise, and place?' "
Ana: "Spiritual wellness is important, as well as social, emotional, and physical wellness."
About Ana When Ana Homayoun was a senior in college, she had a professor ask her what qualities she wanted in a career. “I want to write, I want to travel, and I want to help people,” she said without missing the beat.
Two decades later, she does all of the above. Ana Homayoun is an author, educator, and coach who helps teens and young adults grow into resilient, thoughtful, and engaged young people. She is the founder of the Silicon Valley-based Green Ivy Educational Consulting, and travels around the world speaking at schools and conferences. Her work has been featured in the NYTimes, Chicago Tribune, SF Chronicle, ABC News, and USA Today, among others, and she is a frequent guest on NPR. Her first book, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week quickly became a classic for those who deal with disorganization and distractions. Her second book, The Myth of the Perfect Girl highlights the modern day dilemmas of today’s teen girls and young adult women, and was heralded by one college student as being the book “that discusses what everyone is dealing with but no one is talking about.” Her latest book, Social Media Wellness, caused her to spend far more hours than she would like to admit using Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter.
Green Ivy Consulting For nearly two decades, Ana Homayoun’s work has focused on helping teenagers and young adults develop their own blueprints for success. Her prescriptive solutions promote better executive functioning skills, effectively address the culture of teen perfectionism, and provide practical real-life advice on how to promote social media wellness in an always-on digital world. Her authentic wisdom and sensible perspective is real, relevant, and adored by parents, educators and teens around the world.
Ana works with middle school and high school students on organization, time management, and finding purpose. She and her team help students figure out their own goals and the daily habits they need to practice in order to achieve those goals. She helps make the college admissions process an empowering rather than a stressful experience.
I'm looking forward to my son (starting his senior year in August) working with Ana and her team at Green Ivy on his college application process. They help students organize the process so that they do 2-4 hours of work on applications per week (2-3 tasks), maximize sleep, wellness, and free time, and are done with applications by early December. Sounds great to me!
Resources & Related Posts Ana's Website
Free Download about The Myth of the Perfect Girl (on Ana's Book Page)
Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun
Ep. 73: Under Pressure with Lisa Damour
Ep. 43: The Gift of Failure with Jessica Lahey
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths
4 Ways to Focus on Kids' Strengths
The Wisdom of High School Girls
Raising Girls
7 Ways to Help Your Daughter Become a Thriving Adult
Helpful Books for Raising Daughters
Enjoy Your Teen Daughter
The Anatomy of Trust by Brene Brown (Audrey mentioned in this episode.)
Book Trailer for Myth of the Perfect Girl
Ana's Books That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials) Listen to Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun
In Episode 96, I'm talking with my friend Brooke Cheley-Klebe of Cheley Colorado Camps. We cover a range of summer camp-related topics including longer camp stays, adjusting to camp and overcoming homesickness, what it's like for teenagers to have the much-needed break from screens, video games, and social media that traditional summer camp programs provide, and the life-long friendships that campers develop at camp.
Getting Unplugged at Camp (audio is in the intro for this episode):
BIG IDEAS * It's as important to build the character of the youth as it is to educate them. * Children return from a longer camp stay with freshness and with a new sense of confidence and independence. * Unplugging for an extended period of time gives kids the opportunity to develop new habits. * In a 27 day time period, kids really are able to jump into the camp experience, settle in, and make friendships. * Twenty-seven days is long enough for kids to have to work through it if they are homesick or if there's somebody at camp that they don't get along with. * A longer camp stay helps kids learn to appreciate their families and their siblings.
QUOTES Audrey: "Cheley is very well respected and well-known all across the country and among camps as being an amazing, life-changing program with a very loyal following of long-time families."
Brooke: "Parents say that when they see their children return from camp, they see this new sense of confidence and independence, and just this freshness about them that maybe they didn't have when they left to go to camp."
Brooke: “With camp being 27 days, kids really have the opportunity to set new habits. They don’t miss their devices. They really don’t.”
Audrey: "Your uniqueness in the length of stay is something that you're offering that other camps aren't."
Brooke: "To some people, 27 days sounds really long but the thing I hear most from parents when they come to pick up their children is that the times goes by so fast!"
Audrey: "I always feel like the first week is sort of getting settled and overcoming homesickness for kids who are anticipating the stay, no matter how long it is. Settling in and getting to know your group and feeling comfortable takes a little while."
Brooke: "There's been a lot of research about just how over-programmed our children are. So with the camp being 27 days, they have the opportunity to get enough sleep, and to have downtime."
Brooke: "We used to be really structured and then we came to this point where we said, 'Let the kids drive it. Let them be bored and see what they come up with.' And it's been really beautiful. The kids love it. It makes them feel that they are the ones choosing how they want to spend their time. And it also gets in touch with that part of the brain that doesn't get touched during the rest of the year."
Audrey: "Because of the length of stay, they do get more time to hang out with each other and more downtime. Whereas in shorter camp stays, camps try to pack in all the activities offered by longer camps. But you can't add in all that very valuable downtime, free time, letting kids just have that unstructured play."
Audrey: "It's just so beautiful to watch kids rediscover play. I think that that's one of the magical things about 27 days of camp."
Brooke: "We feel like we're up against the school calendars, the sports coaches that say you have to be back for this camp or you won't make the team, or this training, or whatever. But we are sticking to it. We feel like the design of our program and the things the campers get to do by the end of the term- they need to be there for that amount of time."
Audrey: "They say that everyone's overtraining in their one sport so going on a backpacking trip and getting that good cardio, climbing, being in the altitude, is probably great for almost every sport. Kids come back in better shape for sure."
Audrey: "Many of the philosophies of the people who started camps still hold true today."
Audrey: "Shifting a mindset is what we want to do with kids. Because it's not just that we want them to experience something that is good in the moment, we want them to have this (long term) shift in mindset from camp."
Brooke: "Teens like handing over their phones. They know that is good for their brains. They feel it. I think the connections they make at camp are so fulfilling and strong that it's what gets them through the school year."
Audrey: "Teenagers have always had just a pretty intense social experience, at school and in life. Now they have this whole other social experience (being on social media) that they have to manage. So they have to manage their day at school with people and then they have to manage this whole other social thing and it's really hard, and it's not good for their wellbeing."
Brooke: "The activities that we're doing are so challenging that they really have to push through. That gives them a basis to work off of in the school year. They get that they have the tools to do that."
Audrey: "I'm really excited about all the research we're seeing come out around the impact of camp on kids' development. What I've found really interesting is that they're finding that any length of camp stay is helpful for kids. But the benefits accrue for kids who come back to camp year after year."
Brooke: "Make sure that your kids are ready for the camp experience because you want that first year to be successful so that it sets the foundation for them to want to return. I think that the magic is definitely in multi-summers. We love watching these kids grow up!"
Audrey: "The things they've experienced in those 27 days translate to lifelong changes in the person's life."
Audrey: "If we all sat around waiting to be 'ready' we would never do anything. You can't really be ready until you've tried it."
Brooke: "I often talk to parents that aren't ready but the kids are ready. And in that instance, I think they need to come."
LINKS Cheley Colorado Camp's website: www.cheley.com
You will also find Cheley Colorado Camp on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter
Cheley Camps YouTube Channel
Untangled by Lisa Damour
Audrey's website www.sunshine-parenting.com
Audrey's email: audrey@sunshine-parenting.com
RELATED POSTS/PODCASTS My 24 Hours Unplugged
Get Unplugged
Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness
Ep. 74: Why Summer Camp?
100 Questions About Summer Camp
In Episode 97, I'm chatting with Signe Whitson. We talk about her book, Parenting The Challenging Child: The Four-Step Way To Turn Problem Situations Into Learning Opportunities, which is based on her work at the Life Space Crisis Intervention, an organization dedicated to training teachers, counselors, and parents on how to appropriately respond to challenging behaviors from kids. The program helps us to better understand the conflict cycle that we can get into with kids when they are exhibiting bad behaviors and how we can help break that cycle.
Previously, in episode 66, I spoke to Signe about her research and article about distinguishing between rude, mean, and bullying behaviors in children.
After Signe's visit to my camp this summer to do training with our counselors, we now call each other by our camp names, Sunshine and Ginger.
Big Ideas * One of the most important tools that kids have for calming down is deep breathing. * Another important tool that kids have for calming down is movement. * It's important for parents to be aware that their own kids trigger an emotional response in them that brings about quicker frustration or exhaustion than when they are with someone else's child. * LSCI is an approach to working with young people that examines how a child's thoughts, perceptions, and feelings contribute to their behavior. While it has been used for 30 years to train professionals who work with kids, this book relates the concepts and strategies to help parents learn to help kids: + to calm their emotional brain during stressful situations and + to re-engage their thinking brain and problem-solve. * The Conflict Cycle teaches us that before bad behavior ever occurs with a child, there is a set of thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and reactions from other people that grows within the child and leads to the behavior. * With problem behavior with kids, we look at the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex of the brain. In stressful situations, the emotional part of the brain loses the ability to connect and communicate with the rational part of the brain and the children's emotions become dominant. * Helping kids learn how to regulate their brain is a skill that we can and should be teaching them. * Kids need adults to role model how to take a breath and handle things rationally and calmly, rather than acting on the emotions of the moment.
Quotes Ginger: "I hope that this book is very practical for parents in terms of what is the garbage, nonsense behavior that we don't need to address right away, in the heat of the moment, versus, what needs to be done in a problem situation, and how to do that in a way that actually turns that problem into an opportunity for the relationship to get a little better, for the child to feel heard and understood, for the child to learn how to calm down."
Ginger: "What the conflict cycle shows is that by the time a problem situation happens, let's say between a parent and child, the problem itself is all we're focusing on--the misbehavior, the talking back, the rolled eyes, the thrown bottle--whatever it is. What the conflict cycle teaches us is that before that behavior ever occurred, there was this whole set of thoughts, perceptions, feelings, reactions from other people that grew, and grew, and grew, and led to that behavior."
Ginger: "If, as adults, we just go in and punish behavior or react to it, what we're missing is everything inside the child that is important and led up to it. We might be punishing the surface behavior, but it's bound to happen over again in the future because we didn't really address its roots."
Ginger: "To the child, their perception of the event is reality for them. We might see it completely differently, but as we say in the book, 'to the corkscrew, the knife is crooked' so the way the child is perceiving that event is real and it is driving this huge, emotional response."
Ginger: "Learning about the brain science behind behavior has been a total game-changer for me and my career. It takes us away from being angry and frustrated by kid's repetitive, challenging behaviors, and it takes us to a place of compassion where we understand that they are overwhelmed right now."
Ginger: "Helping kids learn how to regulate their brain is a skill that we can and should be teaching them."
Ginger: "Kids perceive things based on their own set of beliefs about themselves, about others, and the world. They have thoughts, feelings, and behaviors related to that set of perceptions. As adults, it really important for us to ask questions and examine those perceptions. Sometimes a child is dead-on and the way they perceive something is exactly right and sometimes not."
Ginger: "When a child tells you something that sounds awful, don't freak out. Just listen, let them tell their side of the story. But your face and all of your reactions should convey that whatever they're telling you is totally manageable. What we project really has an impact on how a child feels going into this problem-solving phase."
Ginger: "Number one, don't freak out. Number two, let a child know that you're sorry for the way they are feeling. Number three, thank kids for sharing what is happening."
Ginger: "We have to make kids feel like they have agency and power, and there's something that they can do. They're not waiting for an adult to rescue them, or another child to change."
Ginger: "Our emotional brains are wired to protect our kids...but it's our job to take a breath, to smell some lavender and vanilla, to go for a run, just to take a pause and engage the thinking part of our brain instead of the emotional one. Because most of the time when we make emotionally based decisions, we're not actually making the best decision. Kids need adults to role model that we can take a breath and handle things rationally and calmly, as opposed to just acting on the emotions of the moment."
Sunshine: "As kids get older they are exposed to some really crazy, sometimes dark, stuff from other kids and in the world. We want our kids to feel like they can come and talk to us about those things. It's so important that we stay calm, regardless of how bad it sounds."
Ginger: "There's been great research and a study that recently came out asking thousands of young people what is it that you want when you go to your parents. And, overwhelmingly, the kids said, 'I just want them to listen. I specifically don't want them to try to solve it. I just want them to listen.' So we are actually doing them a disservice when we rush in and try to solve. It's so much better to just listen."
Ginger: "As parents, we love our kids so much that we just want to fix their problems and make it all better. But first of all, that's not always what kids want. Second of all, when we rush in to fix it, we rob our kids of the opportunity to learn their own problem-solving skills."
Breathing Beads Video Tutorial on how to make the "Breathing Beads" Signe and I talked about in this episode. It's linked from this article on Signe's website:
Images from Parenting the Challenging Child: The 4-Step Way to Turn Problem Situations into Learning Opportunities, by Signe Whitson Great questions to ask about children's perception of stressful events and well as their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and what they observed in others' reactions (pages 40-41):
Questions to Ask to Obtain a Good Timeline (about stressful events) (page 42):
Displacement in an SOS Situation (page 74):
"Displacement is the term used in LSCI training to describe situations in which a person takes his anger out on someone or something other than the actual target of his anger. The displacement of intense, uncomfortable emotions is a common self-defeating behavior among children and adults alike."
The LSCI Conflict Cycle "Flipping Your Lid" Dr. Daniel Siegel's Hand Model of the Brain:
Resources/Related Life Space Crisis Intervention (LSCI) Website
Parent Courses (LSCI)
Signe's Website
Ep. 95: Raising a "YES Brain" Child
Ep. 66: Is it Rude? Is it Mean? or Is it Bullying? with Signe Whitson
Join Audrey for her Summer Read-Along of her new book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults on the Happy Campers Facebook group this summer, as she goes through one secret per week, each week of July and August. For information about Audrey's summer read-along of Happy Campers, visit her website at www.happycampersbook.com. While you're there, click on the Book Hub link for tons of downloadable resources that go along with the book.
You can pick up your copy of Audrey's book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, Books a Million, Kobo, or wherever books are sold.
In Episode 94, I talk about why I wrote my new book, Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets For Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, why I changed to a 'less is more' style of parenting, how the book is set up, who I wrote the book for, how I want people to use the book, and what we're going to be doing in the Happy Campers Book Club this summer!
Why I wrote Happy Campers I wrote Happy Campers because I've had a lifelong interest in child development and positive psychology, and just understanding what makes people flourish.
A lot of the things we do at summer camp can be taken home and used at home to help kids just connect with each other and with their parents, and have a lot more fun at home.
I realized, about five years into parenting, that I needed to bring more of my camp techniques home. And really simple things that we train our camp counselors to do, parents can easily bring home.
I've been noticing in the past few decades, it just seems like kids and parents are struggling a lot more with all kinds of different things.
You don't have to do any crazy big changes in your family to get some really positive outcomes.
I tried to synthesize into this one book some of the higher-level ideas and really simple strategies that I really think that parents and teachers, and really anyone that works with kids, can use to build a stronger relationship with kids and help them develop the character traits and skills that they need in order to be thriving adults.
Why I changed to a "Less is More" parenting style Even the volunteer thing can go awry when you do too much of it.
Working parents are trying so hard to do everything well that we do a little too much of everything.
One of my fundamental philosophies that I've learned is that less is more, and the famous put on your own oxygen mask first.
I'm so glad that I learned before it was too late, that to be a great parent doesn't mean that you have to be doing this stuff all the time.
Read more about my philosophy in my post 10 Ways to do LESS and be a MORE Effective Parent.
How is Happy Campers set up? The first chapter is Connection Comes First and that's the foundation of the book.
The last secret is Coaching Kids To Better Friendship Skills, so the bookends of the book are both about connection and relationship.
We've learned at camp that kids won't listen to us or even follow our advice, unless they first know that we really care about them as people.
Sometimes we get so fixated on all the things our kids need to do, and we want them to do, and we forget that in the end what's really important is that we just have this great relationship that will last.
One Simple Thing, at the end of each chapter, is really just about a change in yourself in either something that you can try to think differently about or a little thing that you can do that will help you relate better to your kids.
I've found that oftentimes writing a note is more effective than repeatedly saying something. And it's not overwhelming or daunting to write a sticky note.
I wanted to make the book just really simple little things that are really do-able and don't feel too daunting. And I also really don't want people to try everything in the book.
Listen to my interview on the Mom Writes podcast where Abby shares her sticky note story.
How do you want people to use Happy Campers? The way that I want people to use this book is the way that I've read some of my favorite books, which is- I just keep them around as a resource. I don't think even that this is necessarily the kind of book you need to read cover-to-cover.
I'm hoping that it will be a book that will resonate with people.
The secret that "Kids Are More Capable Than Parents think they are" talks all about responsibility and having kids get more involved with household chores and things like that.
The book is about things that I've learned at summer camp that can be applied in other settings.
Who I wrote the book for I really want teachers to read this book. I know from a lot of the teachers who I know that their time at camp, as camper counselors, and their experiences working in the setting of camp, really helped them be amazing teachers.
I really wish that every parent would have the opportunity to spend at least one summer as a camp counselor.
Join the Happy Campers Book Club In the Happy Campers Book Club Group, we'll be sharing bonus videos, downloadable resources, article and book recommendations. Most importantly, we'll have the opportunity to share ideas and collaborate with each other.
Step 1: Pick up your copy of Happy Campers wherever you buy books:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
IndieBound
Books-a-Million
Kobo
Step 2: Download your Summer Read-Along Schedule and Discussion Guide from the Happy Campers Book Hub.
Step 3: Join the Happy Campers Book Club!
I invite you to join me to read the book this summer and as we read along just learn from one another and collaborate on even more ideas that we can all share, to help raise this generation of kids to overcome the issues that a lot of kids are facing.
"We really want our kids to be super resilient and able to make it through the ups and the downs and the challenges they're inevitably going to face.
The 9 Summer Camp Secrets Watch the video version of this episode: Want to hear me talk more about Happy Campers? Check out these interviews on other podcasts! TiLT Parenting
Best of Both Worlds
Campfire Conversation
We Turned Out Okay
Dr. Sears Family Podcast
Author Accelerator's Mom Writes
The Pickup Line
In Episode 93, I interview Dr. Alicia La Hoz, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Founder, and Executive Director of Family Bridges. Dr. La Hoz works with the Latino community in the Chicagoland area, where she leads her team in developing and coordinating Family Bridges comprehensive marriage and relationship programs. Away from the office, she spends her time with her two inquisitive children and devoted husband, exploring nature, visiting museums, and building lego-masterpieces.
We talk about why she started Family Bridges USA and about the incredible work that they are doing to solve problems of the culture by helping people learn relationship skills.
BIG IDEAS * People need to learn to develop relationship skills and good attachment to others in order to lead healthy, happy lives. * Family Bridges inspires individuals, couples and families to invest in their relationships' wellbeing. Marriage and relationships really do matter. * Instilling a message of self-efficacy is very helpful for people living with difficult circumstances. By having goals in mind, you can overcome the obstacles you face in life. The power is within you to reach your potential. * Family Bridges and their affiliates offer these services around the U.S. and the world. They provide relationship education workshops in schools, businesses and churches, and throughout the community. They are also active on social media, sharing messages on relationship topics from forgiveness to communication to conflict resolution, in English and Spanish.
QUOTES ALICIA: "We ask, 'What can we do that would be preventative to help young people know what they want for their life? What's their North Star?'"
ALICIA: "There are a lot of very simple things that we can apply, amazing research and tips. How do we get it into the hands of people before they end up in the foster care system or victims of domestic violence?"
AUDREY: "I love that. Get people set up so that their relationships that start off well, with healthy attachments."
ALICIA: "We would love people to aspire for something bigger than themselves and so we're trying to promote a message of hope. We all need hope."
ALICIA: "We want to be able to get a message of hope out there. Yes, maybe current circumstances are dark but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just continue to persevere. We want to be able to tell that story through the lens of so many people that have come before us that have overcome one thing after another. And in spite of their dire circumstance, they're stronger for it."
ALICIA: "We can feel encouraged, built up and just have a sense that things can work out. Then that, in turn, can have a ripple effect in our communities."
AUDREY: "While lack of hope is related to mortality, drug overdose and suicide, an optimistic outlook impacts marriages, finances, and less risk-taking behaviors. I so believe in that message of promoting more optimism, even among people who aren't naturally optimistic. We can help our kids develop that."
AUDREY: "When you feel like you can do something, you can overcome. That hope is very powerful."
ALICIA: "What we mean by self-efficacy is that there are different hurdles in life that you're going to face, yet you can overcome them by having some goals in mind. It is within your realm of control to achieve them."
AUDREY: "It is so encouraging that you're not only doing your own workshops, but you're empowering more people and spreading the message through your training model."
ALICIA: "If we run ourselves out of a job in that city or community, then we are doing a good job!"
RESOURCES Trainings Available through Family Bridges A Better Me
“A Better Me” training provides resources, lessons, and activities for teaching children how to make smart decisions, problem-solve and communicate effectively. Tailored for children ages 4 to 12, this curriculum teaches kids how to apply social-emotional learning skills and ethical values in everyday situations.
GROWTH: Professional Development
This curriculum provides companies with solutions for relational wellness by empowering employees with valuable skills and boosting their morale. Our curriculum provides training that encompasses team building, problem-solving, conflict resolution, communication skills, stress management, and leadership development.
Strong Parents, Strong Schools
This curriculum motivates parents to raise successful children and teens by teaching them strong character development skills, relationship smarts, giving them a desire for community-engagement, and instilling an aspirational vision for them to succeed academically.
To request a training for your business or organization call 877-412-7434.
https://www.facebook.com/familybridges Listen to Audrey's interview on the Family Bridges Podcast: The Struggle is Real: Modern Parenting: "School's Out" The Dibble Institute
Family Bridges YouTube Channel
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
RELATED POSTS & PODCASTS If you enjoyed this podcast, listen to Ep. 31: Listen: 5 Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges
Ep. 86 Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!)
Coaching Your Child to Better Social Skills
Join Audrey for her Summer Read-Along of her new book, Happy Campers:
Audrey invites you to pick up a copy of her book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults and join her, on the Happy Campers facebook group this summer, as she goes through one secret per week, each week of July and August. For information about Audrey's summer read-along of Happy Campers, visit her website at www.happycampersbook.com. While you're there, click on the Book Hub link for tons of downloadable resources that go along with the book.
You can pick up your copy of Audrey's book, Happy Campers, 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, IndieBound, Books a Million, Kobo, or wherever books are sold.
In Episode 92, I'm chatting with educator and parent coach, Helaina Altabef, founder of Tame the Teen. We talk about building up the attributes parents need to form strong, caring relationships with teens.
BIG IDEAS * There is a lot of disconnection between parents and their kids. * It is possible for parents to learn how to communicate effectively and connect with their teens. * Our current society has become increasingly isolated, and it is sending a collective message of fear to parents. * Some parents of teens tend to become isolated, thinking that their issue is only theirs. * All parents struggle with connecting and communicating at some point in their child's development. * Community helps us to stay grounded and to relate to other people. * Our children should not be how we measure our success as people. * What good coaching does is take you out of your perspective and offers another one.
QUOTES:
Helaina: "I realized that a lot of what was going on with parents and teens was a lot of disconnection between parents and their kids. And I became a liaison between the parents and the teens.”
Helaina: "It became apparent to me that whatever I had as a teacher, that I could access teens successfully, was teachable to their parents.”
Audrey: "Parents need to feel less fear about teens. Sometimes your anticipatory fear about something being hard actually makes it harder."
Audrey: "Parents, in addition to their fears, have also gotten very isolated, thinking perhaps that their issues are only theirs when we know that everybody has different struggles with their connection and communication with their kids at some point in their development."
Helaina: "Our society has become increasingly isolated. Many of us don't have families nearby. We feel so encumbered with just the responsibilities of daily life. And daily life has become busier. That is objectively true. Community helps us stay grounded, and helps you relate, and helps you realize that it's not just you.”
Helaina: "There's so much guilt- parent guilt and mom shaming. This is a new thing that's just such an ugly part of the experience."
Helaina: "Children should not be how we measure our success as people.”
Helaina: "Take the judgment out of the room and just open to the experience of 'these are just human beings’. Who is sitting in front of you? What makes them tick? What are they actually saying? When you remove all those barriers, you get to know the person in front of you, who you care about more than anyone."
Helaina: "Help your child understand that new experiences bring with them a normal mix of excitement and a little fear of the unknown, some anticipation. Speak with children in that way and presume that they're smart enough to understand that because they will. But when you label everything under the blanket of anxiety, they just presume that now this is actually anxiety. Embolden them to do things even if they feel fearful.”
Helaina: "If your kid is expressing the jitters, get in there with them and help them to make concrete the things that feel abstract. Try to understand what their jitters are about. Really hear them out and help them.”
Audrey: "To grow you have to get a little bit outside your comfort zone. If we just stay doing the same thing forever, you don't grow. But when you're growing, you feel stress."
Audrey: "We need to be aware of where we're coming from and not just make it all about the kid. We're part of the relationship and we bring our own things to it."
LINKS Helaina's website: www.tametheteen.com
10 Ways to Make Campers More Confident by Helaina Altabef
Check out Audrey's book, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
Resources/Related 7 Ways to Help Kids Through Their Teen Years
Ep. 27: Raising Teens Who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever
Ep. 65: Raising Engaged and Happy Kids
In Episode 90, I’m being interviewed by my friend Anne Driscoll at her bookstore, Branches Books and Gifts, where we celebrated my book launch. We talk about the inspiration behind Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults and I share some of the book’s insights and resources for parents.…
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“Give yourself the gift of listening to a boy and don’t be put off by boys that seem like they don’t want your gift, they can’t help themselves. They will want it sooner or later.” Michael Reichert, Ph.D. In this podcast episode, I interview Michael C. Reichert, Ph.D., founding director of the Center for the…
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In this episode of the podcast, I interview Tommy Feldman, the founder and director of Camp Granite Lake in Colorado. We discuss protecting children from abuse, not only at camp but any time they are with a caregiver. This podcast episode has two parts: helping parents know what questions to ask child care providers, and…
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In today’s podcast, Episode 86, I continue my conversation with my friend Sara Kuljis about sibling rivalry. We talk about the 5 steps to conflict resolution and the essential skills that our kids need for positive and healthy relationships with their siblings. BIG IDEAS It seems that kids have their first conflicts with siblings, so…
The post Ep. 86: Conflict Resolution Skills for Siblings (and Everyone Else!) appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Gold Arrow Camp “This year our [camp] theme is “Filling Buckets,” which I’m pretty excited about. It comes from a great children book. But the gist of it is that we all have this invisible bucket and we all have the power to fill each other’s buckets or empty each other’s buckets. And you fill…
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Wilderness Adventures “We want all of our students walking away with a sense of accomplishment. Not only from the trail, but from making new friends, from taking on new challenges, from doing things their laundry by themselves.” (Tom Holland) Tom and Catherine Holland Video of the Wilderness Adventures interview with Tom Holland Wilderness Adventures Wilderness…
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Kennolyn Camps “We do have a philosophical belief that kids actually, and humans in general, have good friend making skills. What they need is coaching and practice.” (Andrew Townsend) Andrew Townsend (right) Video of the Kennolyn Camps interview with Andrew Townsend Kennolyn Camps Kennolyn Camps “We do have a philosophical belief that kids actually, and…
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AstroCamp “Our mission is making a difference in the lives of children through discovery.” (Diana Huff) Video of the AstroCamp interview with Diana Huff AstroCamp AstroCamp “Our mission is making a difference in the lives of children through discovery.” (Diana Huff) Video of the AstroCamp interview with Diana Huff AstroCamp
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Camp Granite Lake “Our mission, our goal, is to be intrinsic to someone’s lifelong growth through their connections with nature and each other.” (Tommy Feldman) Tommy Feldman & Family Video of the Camp Granite Lake interview with Tommy Feldman Camp Granite Lake Camp Granite Lake Snowy Day Snowy day at camp! Take a look as…
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Skylake Yosemite Camp “I was a camper for ten years, I was on staff for a lot of years, so my roots are summer camp.” (Adrienne Portnoy-Durgin) Adrienne Portnoy-Durgin Video of the Skylake Yosemite Camp interview with Adrienne Portnoy-Durgin Skylake Yosemite Camp Skylake Yosemite Camp “I was a camper for ten years, I was on…
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Camp Deerhorn “Every Sunday we have a ‘words of wisdom.’ It’s non-denominational, it’s just a very short talk that one of our counselors gives about something that is meaningful in their life.” (Amy Broadbridge) Amy Broadbridge & Family Video of the Camp Deerhorn interview with Amy Broadbridge Camp Deerhorn Camp Deerhorn “Every Sunday we have…
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The Book of Mistakes: 9 Secrets to Creating a Successful Future, Skip Pritchard In this episode, I interviewed Skip Prichard for my podcast, and I’m feeling so inspired! The Book of Mistakes would be an awesome audiobook to listen to with your teenage kids or read-aloud book for camp! The Book of Mistakes: 9 Secrets…
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Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp “We built in a culture to where there’s many times during the day for a staff member to affirm a camper. And not for just what they look like, and not even for their achievements, but to go to a deeper level to where they are really affirming their character and…
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Catalina Island Camps “We really talk with our kids and with our counselors–even more so during training–about encouraging kids to make their own decisions.” (Maria Horner) Maria & Tom Horner Video of the Catalina Island Camps interview with Maria Horner Catalina Island Camps Catalina Island Camps “We really talk with our kids and with our…
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Colvig Silver Camps “Processing is a big part of camp. You have to process everything for it to really settle in and within our time frame–four weeks–you really have time to do this.” (Clay Colvig) Clay Colvig Video of the Colvig Silver Camps interview with Clay Colvig Colvig Silver Camps Colvig Silver Camps “Processing is…
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Tom Sawyer Camps “We are so fortunate we hear wonderful things from our parents. And one of them is the fact that kids got to take safe risks with caring adults.” (Sarah Horner Fish) Sarah Horner Fish Video of the Tom Sawyer Camps interview with Sarah Horner Fish Tom Sawyer Camps Tom Sawyer Camps “We…
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In Episode 83, I’m chatting with parent educator Sloan Walsh. Sloan wrote an excellent post for me last spring on Raising Girls. Sloan, a previous elementary teacher and literacy specialist, has been teaching Parent Education at La Canada Presbyterian Church since 2001. She has worked with parents of children of all ages and has led…
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Jefunira Camp “I still wake up every morning, really grateful that this is what I get to do. I love everything about working in the camping world.” (Jeff Gamble) Jeff Gamble Video of the Jefunira Camp interview with Jeff Gamble About Jefunira Jefunira Camp “I still wake up every morning, really grateful that this is…
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Walton’s Grizzly Lodge Summer Camp “Our kids are all there [at camp] with different needs…and we really need to meet them right where they are.” (Julie Walton) Julie Walton Video of the Walton’s Grizzly Lodge interview with Julie Walton A Day At Walton’s Walton’s Grizzly Lodge Summer Camp “Our kids are all there [at camp]…
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Cheley Colorado Camps “They [Campers] are always building this really magical community because they are all striving to be the best person they can be.” (Brooke Cheley-Klebe) Brooke Cheley-Klebe & husband Kurt Video of the Cheley Colorado Camps interview with Brooke Cheley-Klebe The Cheley Experience Cheley Colorado Camps “They [Campers] are always building this really…
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Bar 717 Ranch “So we take the middle high school and younger kids in separate groups and talk about: WHAT IS COMMUNITY? How are we going to live here? This is our home for these two weeks we are together. We talk about what that looks like, it terms of how we treat people.” (Gretchen…
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In Episode 82, I'm chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis, the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara is a 20-year veteran camp director and parenting trainer who has great insights and ideas about parenting and counseling kids. We're starting a new series, about sibling conflict and sibling rivalry, and today we're talking about how to manage the conflict that naturally occurs between siblings.
Listener Questions "I’m a mom of 2 kids, an almost 13-year-old girl and a just turned 8-year-old boy. My husband and I have both taught in public and private schools and we’ve been youth leaders in churches. Our current challenge is to help our kids with conflict resolution since it seems they tend to be in conflict fairly often at school and at home. Can’t we just all get along?! The difference in age, personalities, and sexes has made it extra difficult."
"My biggest parenting struggle at the moment is sibling rivalry, bickering, one-upping, putting down, etc. I’ve read books, consulted experts, given the “Team [Family Name]” talk, etc., but nothing seems to work. It may be compounded by the fact that I have twins (age 9), but I talk to my mom friends with different age siblings and it seems pervasive. Curious to know if you have any words of wisdom from your own experience or your fellow experts."
My Email Response Thank you for reaching out! It's definitely very normal for kids to go through phases where it's harder for them to get along, especially if their personalities clash or they're in different life phases. And it isn't easy! My kids have gone through their phases as well. :) I will say, now that most of them are adults they really do value the time they have together. It sounds like you have a plethora of experience working with youth as well, and I'm excited that you found my blog so that we can connect.
I also really think that the key lies in helping each child feel great about themselves - so a focus on their strengths rather than any comparison is good.
Finally (again, off the top of my head), I ignored a lot of my kids' smaller squabbles. That's just what siblings do.
BIG IDEAS * Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. * Parents need to be intentional about honoring the uniqueness of each of their children. * Addressing each of your children uniquely shows them that they are special to you and loved by you. * Sibling rivalry and sibling conflict are normal with children. * Children tend to outgrow their sibling rivalry and conflicts when they grow up. * Instead of giving each child equal time, give time according to each child's need.
QUOTES Sara: "The chemistry and the personality and the interests of our children sometimes don't line up."
Sara: "It is good as a parent to determine my level of influence, how I influence, and what things do I just need to be patient for."
Audrey: "We have to look at the long-term picture. We're hopeful that the things we do as parents will at least promote long-term positive relationships. But even that is not guaranteed."
Sara: "As kids growing up, my sister and brother and I were constantly arguing. Constantly. We couldn't get along for more than a day. As adults, we really grew to like each other a lot. We always loved each other, but now we really like each other."
Sara: "Take a moment and see if outside the home they have good friends. And if they do have that capacity, they're going to be okay."
Sara: "Sometimes we just bring home the pressure and bring home the crankiness, and we spill them on those who are closest to us."
Audrey: "I remember several years where I was such a bratty little sister."
Audrey: "There are also cases where, realistically, siblings are so different, or your sibling has some kind of mental health issue or something that really does make them very difficult to have any relationship with. And that's something that's just life, right?"
Audrey: "If you don't get the positive relationship you need, you need to find it elsewhere."
Sara: "As parents, we should be really intentional about honoring the differences and the uniqueness of every child."
Sara: "When our kids can articulate it, let's ask. Because it might surprise us what it means to them for us to support them."
Audrey: "Addressing each child uniquely is really important to make them feel they're loved and they're special to you, even if they don't do the same things as somebody else."
Sara: "Just spend a little time entering his world and understanding what makes him tick around this."
Sara: "Space is a really good thing. Time to just quiet one's own heart."
Sara: "That argument right after school every day- I started taking snacks in the car when I picked the boys up and the first thing they did was eat. We actually decreased the squabbles, those little naggy squabbles, by a good fifty percent."
Sara: "All of us are going to have those really heated moments and a lot of pent-up energy. And having appropriate and safe ways to get it out I think is great! I think a punching-bag is great. Rather a punching-bag than each other! Or go for a run. Go for a bike ride. Let some steam off."
Audrey: "Give them some space. Don't try to force people to be together who are just not compatible at the moment or at the age."
Sara: "We can't demand closeness and we can't demand that they're best friends. But we can require respect."
Sara: "We can start teaching empathy to tiny little kids."
From Siblings Without Rivalry- How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: "As I half-listen from the next room, I am surprised at how relaxed I am. I realize how little emotional investment I have in the moment-by-moment temperature of their relationship. I know that the differences in interest and temperament that kept them from being close in childhood are still there but I also know that, over the years, I have helped them build the bridges to span the separate islands of their identities. If they ever need to reach out, they have many ways of getting there."
LINKS Audrey's website: www.sunshine-parenting.com
Audrey's email: audrey@sunshine-parenting.com
Sara teaches parenting workshops in Southern California. Contact Sara to have her come speak to your group on parenting topics including:
• Positive Behavior Shaping
• Effective Affirmation
• Pace of Life
• Listening Skills
RELATED POSTS/PODCASTS https://sunshine-parenting.com/2017/04/ep-7-family-pace-space-sara-kuljis/
https://sunshine-parenting.com/2015/05/5-steps-to-help-kids-resolve-conflicts/
Resources Recommended books: Siblings Without Rivalry- How To Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, the authors of How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.
Quick reference guide: The chart that summarizes *Siblings Without Rivalry* that we referenced in this episode in at The Montessori Notebook: https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/siblings-without-rivalry/
Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness - 10 Steps to Peace in Your Household (download) -
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Audrey's book, Happy Campers- Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults, is coming out on May 7th. It's available now for pre-order. Go to www.happycampersbook.com to find links to all your favorite book retailers where you can pre-order your copy. Audrey will send you some fun freebies, and an invitation to join her private Facebook group once you've completed the pre-order form.
Camp Champions is located in Marble Falls, Texas, and is a camp for boys and girls from kindergarten through 12th grade. Sessions range from one through six weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Camp Owner/Director Susie Baskin. Video: Happy Campers Interview with Susie Baskin, Owner/Director of Camp Champions Camp Champions – A Summer…
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Carmel Valley Tennis Camp is located in Carmel Valley, California and is camp for boys and girls ages 10-18. Sessions are one or two weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Susan Reeder and Steve Proulx, the owners and directors of Carmel Valley Tennis Camp. Video of the interview Carmel Valley Tennis Camp is…
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Camp Chippewa for Boys is located in Cass Lake, Minnesota and is camp for boys ages 8 – 17. Sessions are four or eight weeks. This Happy Campers Interview is with Camp Directors Mike and Mary Endres, who have a long history with Camp Chippewa. Video of the Camp Chippewa interview with Mike &…
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“My great passion around camp is to get more kids there, because I really believe that every kid should go to summer camp.” In Episode 81, Travis Allison and I discuss the power of one person to make a huge impact on a child’s life, not only at summer camp but also in the home.…
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In Episode 80, I’m chatting with Maureen Healy, author of The Emotionally Healthy Child: Helping Children Calm, Center, and Make Smarter Choices We talk about embracing the discomfort of handling challenging emotions and raising emotionally healthy and happy kids. BIG IDEAS It’s okay to be uncomfortable with a feeling. We need to learn how to…
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In Episode 78, I'm chatting with Jessica Joelle Alexander, author of The Danish Way of Parenting. We talk about how the Danes raise happy kids who become happy adults.
Big Ideas * Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world. * Danish people are happy because of the way they're raising their children. * Happy children become happy adults. * Free play is really important for children. * The Danish way is simple and common sense. * It's really important for students to have a feeling of belonging and connectedness.
Quotes Jessica: "I have always actually been living in different countries and interested in cultural differences and studying cultural differences. My background is psychology."
Jessica: "When my kids were born I became really fascinated by Danish children."
Jessica: "I was reading the newspaper and I saw that Denmark had been voted as one of the happiest countries in the world- again. And that it had been for forty years in a row always in the top three."
Jessica: "I had this lightbulb go off in my head and I thought "Oh my God! They're happy because of the way they're raising their children."
Jessica: "I had to write this book because this style of parenting had helped me so much."
Audrey: "It's not just about the parenting. It's the lifestyle and the way they choose to spend their time and live their life that is getting these really positive outcomes."
Jessica: "The biggest beneficiaries of this time together are the kids and you really see how much they love being with their families and there's no drama and there's no negativity."
Audrey: "We have to work a little harder and think a little more about doing the things that we all need for our wellbeing. This connection piece."
Jessica: "Play, free play has been an educational theory in Denmark since 1871. And for them, it's the most important thing a child can do. It's considered learning. It's nothing about can they read, can they write, can they do these things early? Because they know they will learn those things."
Jessica: "Just these simple things--like playing, being outside, or simplifying--is really what we need."
Jessica: "One of the hardest things is how to shut out all that pressure and believe in the simplicity."
Audrey: "In the end, what is more important is being a happy person with good relationships? And that leads to success."
Jessica: "Self-esteem is how you feel about who you are."
Jessica: "You can do anything if you believe in yourself."
Jessica: "The book is very much education. It's focusing more on schools, but it's also at home. A bit like talking about what you can take home from camp."
Audrey: "Let's get the whole world to be the Danish/summer camp way!"
Links Audrey's book, Happy Campers: Nine Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults comes out on May 7th and is available for pre-order now. Visit www.happycampersbook.com to find links to all your favorite book retailers where you can pre-order your copy.
Download the Hygge Oath and sign up for Jessica's email newsletter at www.jessicajoellealexander.com
http://thedanishway.com/
Jessica on Instagram
Books mentioned The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander
The Village Effect by Susan Pinker
Human beings are not designed to be excellent at everything. -Sara Kuljis Show notes at https://sunshine-parenting.com/2019/03/ep-77/ In Episode 77, I’m chatting with my friend, Sara Kuljis, as we continue our series Encouragements for Parents. You can listen to our previous episode, Ep. 75: Begin with the (Parenting) End in Mind here. Big Ideas Human beings…
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One of the things that parents need to recognize is, just like with their school, it needs to be a partnership, and not every day is going to be great. – Audrey Today’s podcast, Episode 76, was recorded live at the American Camp Association National Conference, in Nashville, Tennessee on February 18, 2019. The panel…
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In Episode 75, I'm starting a new parenting series with my friend, Sara Kuljis. We're tentatively titling our series "Encouragements for Parents." In this first episode, we talk about reframing how we view success for our children and the concept of "beginning with the end in mind."
Big Ideas: * There are many different paths to success. * It's important to be clear about your end goal and about what success looks like for you and your family. * What success looks like for you will probably not match the messages that are coming in. * Our relationships and our social connections are most important. * We need to be able to be vulnerable and share with the people we're getting close to, in order to develop deep relationships. * Having a faith of some kind is very meaningful and valuable for a flourishing life. And having core values that you stay consistent with is an essential part of faith. * It's a good idea to build faith into the daily flow of family life.
Quotes: Sara: "Sometimes with parenting, when I have felt overwhelmed or exhausted or at wit's end, it's hard to keep my eye on the end result and I sometimes operate out of anxiety or fear, or I'm reacting instead of really anticipating and laying out where I want to end up."
Sara: "It's such a wonderful feeling to know that we could be intentional about the process, rather than reactive."
Sara: "The measure isn't what's out there in the world. The measure is so much more what's inside of them."
Sara: "Now I consider beginning with the end in mind. And that is 'What is my definition of success for my children? What is my husband's definition? Are we on the same page?'."
Audrey: "Sometimes the information in the parenting world is giving people a list, or saying you must do this thing for your child to turn out okay. And that is just absurd to think that there is a list of classes or curricula or activities that are going to guarantee your child's success. And I almost think it could do the opposite if you overwhelm yourself or your child with trying to keep up with all of these so-called things that we must do."
Sara: "What would be the top three things that I would consider being a success for my children, as adults?"
Audrey: "What leads to a happy, healthy, flourishing life?"
Sara: "We have tried to stay committed to creating space and hang out times so our kids can deepen friendships on their own, in their own way, where parents are not meddling."
Sara: "I think carving out time can feel unproductive, but it's absolutely essential."
Sara: "There's a lot of friendship building at summer camps and those skills are absolutely essential to growing into adulthood, to the workplace, and certainly to family life and married life."
Sara: "Creating space is huge, and I think also modeling- for us as parents to be role models."
Audrey: "If you don't have a family where you feel that connection, make one somewhere else."
Audrey: "If we value healthy, deep, and enriching relationships, that might mean that we do things differently than our neighbors, or maybe some other people."
Sara: "We can continue to choose to work out relationships and accept others for who they are and model forgiveness and model generosity and hospitality- even when it's not easy."
Audrey: "You've got to have a few people where you can be really real and kind of raw with."
Sara: "Meaningful work doesn't have to be a very glamorous, big deal. It could be something that's very quiet but brings us joy. It could be something that's even boring but produces something important and impactful. "
Audrey: "To help our kids to start seeing those little sparks of time where they are fired up and they fire other people up, or they help in some way, that is just magical! That's the big magic!"
Audrey: "A lot of research shows that having a faith of some kind is very meaningful and valuable for a flourishing life."
Audrey: "We're living in a time where people mostly are not connected with any faith and there's a lot of negative press about religion."
Links: Why Summer Camp May be the Secret to a Longer Life (Susan Pinker's TED Talk in this post)
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths with Audrey & Sara
Ep. 63: Growing Gratitude with Sara Kuljis
Mentions in this Episode: Margaret Feinberg's The Joy Cast Podcast
Pam Roy Blog
Outer Order Inner Calm by Gretchen Rubin
The Village Effect by Susan Pinker
Brene Brown
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
Why do parents send their kids to summer camp? Is your kid going to camp this summer? Congratulations! You’re giving them an experience that may have many life-long, positive benefits. You are giving them the opportunity to grow and develop skills and character traits that are often hard to develop in the comforts of home.…
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That was my aim in writing the book- was both to offer reassurance, and then practical strategies
for managing the stress and anxiety that will, invariably, come up.
-Lisa Damour
In episode 73, I'm chatting with Lisa Damour, Ph.D., the New York Times best-selling author of Untangled- Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood.
In this episode, we talk about Under Pressure- Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.
Lisa is a clinical psychologist, in private practice. She shares some really encouraging insights about reframing the way that we think about stress and anxiety in ourselves and in our daughters and she also discusses ways that we can help ease the anxiety levels of our girls at home, at school, and in their social lives.
Big ideas * Both stress and anxiety are normal and healthy functions that are actually beneficial to us. * Anxiety is a normal system that keeps us safe. It's an alarm that alerts us to pay attention and notice what's going on around us, or inside of us. * Stress builds capacity, so when we operate at our outer edge, that edge usually grows and we develop new abilities.
Quotes Audrey: "You have a great way of synthesizing the information and I think that's why people find your books so helpful. You have taken all this deep, heavy stuff about what's going on, and really put it down to the very simple to understand terms for those of us who work with girls, or have daughters."
Audrey: "I think a lot of times parents are feeling stressed themselves about what to do and how to parent, and I think what your book provides is a sense of relief and encouragement that there are these things going on and yes, anxiety is a big issue, however, there are all these things that we can do, in different areas, to relieve some of that."
Lisa: " The bottom line is that psychologists understand, and have long understood, that stress and anxiety are both normal and healthy functions. They both can reach troublesome degrees, and even when they do, we're really good at treating them. But, stress and anxiety are part of life, so stress is what happens when we operate at the edge of our capacities- any time that we take on something that requires us to adapt, to stretch, to grow, we will feel stressed by it."
Lisa: "Anxiety is a normal system that keeps us safe. It's an alarm that alerts us to pay attention, to notice what's going on around us- or going on inside of us."
Lisa: "Stress builds capacity. When we operate at our outer edge, usually our edge grows. We develop new abilities we didn't know we had."
Lisa: "The kinds of principles I'm putting forward in here- these are well-established, very long-standing, fully understood beliefs in psychology that somehow became divorced from where the popular culture is now, which is the sense that all anxiety is troublesome, and all stress is pathological and we need to get rid of both."
Lisa: "We run the risk now of raising a generation that is stressed about being stressed, and anxious about being anxious."
Audrey: "The message that I got is that one way to ease the anxiety is to normalize it and explain that, even as adults, we have it too."
Lisa: "That was my aim in writing the book- was both to offer reassurance, and then practical strategies for managing the stress and anxiety that will, invariably, come up."
Lisa: "Most feelings will run their course."
Lisa: "They (parents) have a lot of power and a lot of say and can make things go quite a bit more smoothly for their daughter, even under difficult conditions, if they can both validate, but not overreact at the same time."
Audrey: "The end goal is for our kids to be able to live as functioning adults, on their own, separate from us, and not to needing to ask us about how to handle every little thing."
Lisa: "The happiest girls have one or two friends, and our job, as adults, is to help them feel better about that."
Lisa: "A thread that runs through the whole book is for me to kind of grapple with really well-meaning guidance that adults give, that in my experience, does not actually work all that well for girls... is our guidance around how they negotiate, what they do and don't want to do in romantic settings- when things get physical."
Lisa: "We have to be mindful that there's a couple of scenarios that are highly likely to make it very, very hard for girls to follow our advice."
Lisa: "We have to equip her for other possibilities- which are probably more likely."
Audrey: "Enthusiastic agreement is what we want our daughters to be feeling before they're doing something."
Lisa: "I think it is so good for girls to be in new settings, especially in settings where the technology goes away, to let their hair down, to get to explore sides of themselves that may not come up in their day-to-day at home."
Lisa: "I've watched kids who are really struggling socially come back to school after a summer camp and just have a whole new repertoire of social skills that they never could have developed if they had stayed in their exact same social track with their friends at school."
Highlight from Under Pressure- Confronting The Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls:
"Much of what our girls learn about how to manage stress comes from observing how we manage it, as parents. Our daughters watch us for cues about how alarmed they should be by life's difficulties. When we let our own inner Chicken Little take over, and panic in the face of manageable challenges, we set a bad example. When we accept that stress often leads to growth, and help our girls do the same, we create a self-fulfilling prophecy for ourselves and for our daughters."
About Lisa Lisa Damour writes the monthly Adolescence column for the New York Times, serves as a regular contributor to CBS News, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, is a Senior Advisor to the Schubert Center for Child Studies at Case Western Reserve University, and serves as the Executive Director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls.
Dr. Damour has written numerous academic papers, chapters, and books related to education and child development. She is also the author of two New York Times best selling books, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.
Dr. Damour graduated with honors from Yale University and worked for the Yale Child Study Center before earning her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the University of Michigan. She has been a fellow at Yale’s Edward Zigler Center in Child Development and Social Policy and the University of Michigan’s Power Foundation. She and her husband are the proud parents of two daughters.
Links Lisa's website: https://www.drlisadamour.com/
Related Posts and Podcasts Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun
4 Ways to Focus on Our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths
Helpful Books for Raising Daughters
7 Ways to Help Your Daughter Become a Thriving Adult
In this episode, I am talking with Brett Grayson, author of What Could Go Wrong?: My Mostly Comedic Journey Through Marriage, Parenting, and Depression. Grayson takes on many of the tough issues faced by parents during the first few years of family life with a great deal of humor and vulnerability. We discuss what led him to write his book, start his blog and how he has enlarged the discussion by sharing from a dad's point of view. Grayson is a father of two young children and resides in New Jersey.
Big Ideas * Humor helps us move forward, especially when discussing difficult subject matters. * Even though pregnancy is primarily a woman's experience, a man also goes through his own set of struggles and emotions when becoming a father, which aren't often discussed.
Quotes Audrey: "In this book, I think you have been able to combine difficult topics with humor and I’m guessing that is resonating with people."
Brett: “We’ve been through some rough things: my wife’s first pregnancy, postpartum issues, topics that women discuss a lot. I hadn’t seen too many fathers talking about it from their standpoint: what it was like for the father to go through; what our emotions were like."
Brett: "I really felt that the humor would be the way that the people would be able to relate to what I was saying and it would make it more palatable to read."
Audrey: "You’re so right. The things that happen in pregnancy seem to be a lot more about the woman’s experience but it's true the father has a lot going on, too. I think you did open up a great line of conversation and discussion for men.”
Brett: "Men experience all kinds of struggles and emotions. It's okay to be open about it. You can still be a strong man and feel masculine in your own skin without feeling like you can’t express yourself."
Brett: "It’s amazing to me that if you have a heart problem, its totally okay to see a doctor; it’s okay if you have a broken bone to see an orthopedist, but if you’re going to see a doctor about an issue with your brain then it needs to be secretive in some sense. I’ve never understood that. Hopefully, we are breaking down those walls now."
Brett: "I think there needs to be openness in your relationships. I think if you can’t tell your spouse that you're struggling, that's a problem. You need to be able to lean on each other and explain to each other that you’re struggling."
Audrey: "I think you have a really important message to share. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve put yourself out there and shared some difficult stories. I think your end result will be that more people will get the help they need -- that everyone needs at some point, if not throughout their lives."
Links Brett Grayson's Blog
10 Reasons I Heart Camp (mentioned in this episode)
Related Posts/Podcasts If you enjoyed this episode, you might want to listen to a few of my other interviews with dedicated dads, including:
Ep. 18: Adventures in Parenting with Tom Holland
Ep. 5: Using a Growth Mindset with Jeff Cheley
Helping Kids Through Their "Low Point"
"The neuroscience is saying that when kids miss these developmental milestones, their brains aren't as interconnected as they would have been had they been actively participating in a wide variety of activities. They need a full sensory upbringing, not doing too much of any one thing."
-Jenifer Joy Madden
In Episode 71, I'm chatting with Jenifer Joy Madden about the latest research on brain development and ways we can help our children grow healthy and "durable" brains.
Jenifer Joy Madden is an award-winning health communicator, author, and educator. She founded DurableHuman.com to encourage all people to cherish and maximize the curiosity, creativity, compassion, and so much else they alone possess as human beings.
Big Ideas * Jenifer defines durable as being "effective and strong in body, mind, and spirit for as long as possible."
- The "Bushy Broccoli Brain" -- Jenifer uses the Broccoli vs. Broccolini metaphor to show how the brain develops more interconnected, as synapsis fire from rich stimuli, whereas the broccolini is a stalky, more truncated structure, showing a lack of development. New research on the brain supports the idea that in order to be more durable, our children need 3D, multi-sensory, 360° experiences. The rich sensory environment at camp is a perfect example. Being outdoors and interacting socially stimulates the interconnections in the brain.
- If a kid is limited in their activity and they do one thing for a long period of time (such as playing a game online) it crowds out some of the other things they need to be doing during their day to promote full brain development.
- The brain develops over time so there are windows of opportunity throughout childhood to develop certain skills. Missing these windows can have detrimental effects, such as "Virtual Autism". In France and Romania, doctors have identified "Virtual Autism" in kids under age four who have free reign all day to be on a tablet. After days and days of being on the screen, they stop responding to their names and adults can’t catch their eye. When kids return to a regular kid lifestyle and they’re playing with physical objects and playing outside, that "virtual autism" goes away.
- After a visit to a treatment center for internet addiction, Jenifer determined that one of the primary causes of this kind addiction is a lack of attachment. Attachment starts a little before birth that the child starts attaching to the primary caregiver -- the mother. Kids who don’t securely attach to a caregiver become agitated and insecure and have trouble coping. We need to feed their love mechanisms early on in life, otherwise, they’ll be kind of shaky their whole lives. We need to make sure that babies’ first images are not obscured by a device.
- Jenifer describes her course for new parents called New Parent's Confidence Kickstart.
- Recommendations for parents to help kids overcome addiction to their devices:
- Give them chores. They must have a purpose and be responsible contributors to the household. Physical activity is key.
- Help them develop skills, genuine relationships, curiosity ("The Triple Crown of Durability".)
Quotes Audrey: "There are all these basic needs that our kids have and to get this really bushy broccoli brain; a big part of it is the social connection. Talking face to face and making eye contact--all that great stuff--I think of that as making a bushier brain.”
Jenifer: "A lot of our functions are being taken over by robots and AI, so we have to do what we do best as human beings. That is to be thoughtful, curious, and skilled. We need to use the senses we have and they don't. Compassion and intuition are special human functions."
Jenifer: "Human beings that are young need to have that attachment. They need continuous eye contact with others and to have others listen to them."
Audrey: "Giving kids chores is such a simple thing yet many people don't realize just how important. We know that while kids are contributing and having a purpose in your home or at camp, they are also learning really important skills."
Audrey: "When you think about kids growing up and their brains, whether it's language development, or curiosity and those skills automatic it has all happened from practice. So you need that 3D experience that you describe for those neurons to fire together and create all that great, bushy, full brainpower.
Jenifer: "I tell parents: Guilt be gone! Start to realize how attachment and developing boundaries around your technology can make a difference going forward."
Audrey: “I think parents are so worried about what they’re doing wrong. No one is going to get everything right but you can make little course corrections along the way. If you’re noticing something with your family its never too late to do a reset. If you need to do more chores or have less screen time, those are all doable things. We all go through phases when we need to sometimes reset."
Jenifer: "Numbers of autism diagnoses have skyrocketed in the last 25 years: 1 in 40 kids. The implication is that some of those kids have been affected by environmental factors. If can identify and at least try to mitigate them, we could at least see how the child responds. Having them not watch TV and removing them from screens is healthy for them so why not?"
Audrey: "Instead of focusing on what not to do, let's think of things that we can do: going outside for an evening walk, going to the park, reading books together, playing cards or games. Try to find fun things to do instead of being on screens. That's an easier way to introduce more time away from the screens that kids can get excited about."
Jenifer: "You've got to slow down, keep your eyes open and keep observing your children so you don't miss those vital cues from your kids."
Resources Book: How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design
Durable Human website
American Academy of Pediatrics Family Media Plan/Media Time Calculator: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx
http://durablehuman.com/fighting-tech-with-tech-online-tool-helps-families-reclaim-time/
Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel Seigel and their works The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline and The Yes Brain.
Ted Talk, "Neurons That Fire Together Wire Together" by Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube.
The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age
Article on virtual autism study in France/Romania: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201706/there-is-new-link-between-screen-time-and-autism
Reset your Child's Brain by Victoria Dunckley
New Parent's Confidence Kickstart
Tech management resources (scroll down the page)
Durable Human books
Durable Human post on Virtual Autism
VIDEOS:
TEDx "Durable Humans are Smarter Than Their Phones
TEDx/Broccoli combo explainer: (1 min)
"Lead a balanced life" Broccoli video
Baby Broccoli and Parent video
Broccoli and Sleep video
Related Posts and Podcasts If you liked this episode, listen to episode 30, my interview with Jennifer on her book How to Be a Durable Human.
Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families
Five Reasons to Unplug
Why Family Dinner is Important
7 Reasons to Get Outside
"It is not about creating some outcome for the kids. It's just about us coming together to figure out what values are really important to us, what type of adult we would like to launch, and how we can help them to get to that place."
Amy Carney
In Episode 70, I'm chatting with Amy Carney, author of Parent on Purpose: A Courageous Approach to Raising Children in a Complicated World.
In the course of raising triplets and another daughter just one year younger, Amy found herself simply "surviving" motherhood and came to the realization that she needed to be more proactive, instead of reactive, as a parent. Her intentional parenting philosophy contributed to her family's courageous decision to disconnect from their busy lives and travel around the U.S. in an RV for seven months. With their children approaching ages 13 and 11, Amy and her husband felt that life was speeding by and an overhaul was needed. Their goal was to reclaim time together, to solidify the foundation of their relationships, and connect with their kids before they left home. So in 2014, they pulled out of the typical American life they led and went on a journey to find more happiness and unity.
Big Ideas In the book, Amy shares the lessons learned to help parents:
- LEAD -- Visualize the end, determine your values and claim your authority. Pause and figure out your destination. As a family, ask yourselves: Where are you headed? Where do you want to go?
- LOVE -- Play, disconnect to reconnect, create timeless traditions.
-
LAUNCH -- Prepare kids for adulthood by teaching them how to work.
-
Make time for kids to volunteer and work outside of the home. A part-time job in a restaurant, retail store, or family business can be excellent training grounds for the real-life skills that kids need.
- Kids also need to do their share of work in the home, to contribute as part of the family. As they get older, they can take on more responsibilities such as cooking dinner and running family errands.
- We discuss ways parents can build their relationships with their children by doing less. Amy encourages parents to get off the sidelines of their children's lives and create a culture that children will want to come back to, with fond childhood memories.
Quotes Amy: "Being stuck in a small space with a family of six forces you to work things out, to communicate -- where at home if you have arguments, everyone could go to their rooms. That wasn't possible. So we really learned how to communicate, to apologize, to come together, move on and become more flexible."
Amy: "People ask if I homeschooled them. I 'unschooled' them. Our whole point was to get away from the stress and pressure and see there is so much more to the world. There are other things that are just as important as their formal education."
Audrey: "I think in life we tend to not be intentional enough. Even with our own personal values. Often times we haven’t articulated them to ourselves or taken the time to reflect, so that we can, in turn, share them with others."
Audrey: “It’s about bringing it into congruence. When your values and your actions aren’t matching up is when you don’t feel good about your life. But when they do, you feel much more at peace. This is where we want to be."
Amy: "I see a lot of parents launching their kids with guilt and regret. Because their kids are gone and they didn’t do all the things they had hoped to do. I think if we look more to that end and parent today with that in mind, we will be able to launch them with a little more peace."
Audrey: “I think that is what we all want, to launch our kids with core values that will help them have a really happy, healthy, successful life, full of good relationships, and to keep that connection with home, so they'll want to come back and reconnect with their siblings."
Amy: “I think it is really important that if kids are carrying cell phones and driving cars that they are working to contribute to those costs...We have to raise contributors, not just consumers.”
Resources/Related Read my post, One Simple Thing, for monthly parenting challenges for a happier, more connected family.
Listen to my podcast episode 68 to hear more about my 12 Parenting Tips.
Another great podcast is my interview with Jessica Alexander on The Danish Way of Parenting.
Links Amy lives with her husband and five children in Paradise Valley, Arizona. Follow Amy Carney:
Amy Carney -- Parent on Purpose
Amy Carney on Facebook
Amy Carney on Twitter
Amy Carney on Instagram
Buy her book, Parent on Purpose, on Amazon. As a foster and adoptive parent, Amy donates proceeds from her book to benefit children living in the foster care system.
In Episode 69, I'm chatting with Karen Lock Kolp of the We Turned Out Okay website and podcast. We talked for the first time back in Episode 38: We Turned Out Okay with Karen Lock Kolp.
Karen is an early childhood development expert and parent coach. On her website and podcast, Karen helps worried and hovering parents by bringing reassuring, helpful advice and conversations. Her new book, 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know: How to Stop the Chaos, Bring Out Your Child's Good Behavior, and Truly Enjoy Family Time.
The Amazon description of 10 Secrets says:
"Often parents feel so lost. We want to say and do the right things in the moment to connect with our young children, but sometimes we can't even get them to just listen, and respect us.
10 Secrets Happy Parents Know helps with that, and more.
This book shares what author Karen Lock Kolp has learned over many years working with parents and kids. She wrote it to give hope, encouragement, and useful tools to parents of young children. If you are the mom or dad of a young child, the ideas in this book will change your life and your relationship with your little one. Read all about these 10 Secrets today!" Big Ideas Drawing on her vast knowledge of child development, her many interactions with coaching clients and participants in her Ninja Parenting online community, and her own experience raising two boys, Karen developed her book, 10 Secrets Happy Parents Know.
The book is comprised of two parts:
- Finding the good behavior within your child.
- Truly enjoying Family Time.
Karen highlights some of the "Secrets" found in her book:
- Secret #1: Communication cuts through chaos! For some families, she suggests spending 10 minutes a day together, screen-free. This relaxed family time together can be the key to connection.
- Secret #3: Words Matter. Karen shares Magic Words in her book and online in a weekly post to her Facebook parenting group. They are productive, helpful phrases or single words to use in the moment so that you maintain connection with your child. Using Magic Words can help parents to avoid saying something in frustration that they may regret later.
- A Magic Words example: When you want your child to know that you love them you can say, “What can I do for you right now?” You’ll be surprised by the responses you might get. You may be asked to watch their video game or even just to give them a hug.
- Secret #8: You’re only preliterate once. Children’s academic and developmental progress shouldn’t be rushed. Help them when they ask for it. Appreciate and respect each child’s individual journey.
- Secret #9: Celebrate every day. The holidays can be so stressful for families. Karen suggests celebrating every day as a way to mitigate the pressures of celebrating special occasions. Kids can find something joyful in every day and that is something parents can learn from their kids.
Quotes Audrey: “It’s a huge gift when someone just listens and isn’t distracted while they’re talking to us. Giving kids your full attention – even if it’s just a few minutes a day – can be so valuable. Many times, kids act out because they are just trying to get our attention, to share something with us.”
Karen: "A lot of times what parents have trouble with is knowing the right thing to say in the moment. How do you not lose it? Or say something that you'll regret? The 'magic words for parents' is all about that."
Karen: “Magic words work. They really work. This is what I keep hearing from people. They have to be specific, but there is a sort of formula to it. The first thing you should do is validate their concern by saying something like, ‘Wow, that sounds really hard for you’ and it isn’t telling your children what to do.”
Karen: “Wherever your child is in their development, whether it is true pre-literacy, like if they are actually pre-verbal, or if they are teenagers and they just don’t have the life lessons yet that you want them to have, I think this idea really carries through because it’s more about them being able to look around and be curious about things, and celebrate the every day. Understand that where they are is a really good place to be.”
Karen: “No matter what age, letting them be “pre-literate” – whatever that means to them – and letting those questions bubble up for them. Then when they ask, ‘What do I do? How do I start?’ That’s when you can help them along. You are there to help them look for resources.”
Audrey: “When kids are young, it’s easy to become fixated on milestones or various stages of development, like potty-training or learning to read. It is helpful to have friends in your community whose kids are different ages and a few years older. Listening to their perspectives can help calm nerves of first-time parents. With a wider view of their growth, you are more relaxed, accepting their path, whatever it is, and more likely to enjoy the journey.”
Audrey: “What kids remember from their childhood is more often the day to day, simple things that families can do together. Small, simple traditions often make the biggest impact. It doesn’t have to be big and fancy to be memorable.”
Resources/Related * Ep. 38: We Turned Out Okay with Karen Lock Kolp * Ep. 22: Jedi Mom Tricks with Maria Horner (Part 1) * Ep. 33: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 2) * Ep. 42: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 3) * If you liked this episode, you might want to read my post, Giving Kids Our Full Attention. * Listen to Karen’s We Turned Out Okay podcast interview with me, Give Your Child The Magic of Summer, episode 224.
Links * Follow Karen Lock Kolp: + Website: https://weturnedoutokay.com + FB and twitter: @weturnedoutokay + Learn more about the (NPC) Ninja Parenting Community. + Join the We Turned Out Okay Facebook group, where each Monday morning Karen shares Magic words for parents. + She is also available to work privately with families in the Boston, Massachusetts area.
Learn how to be your own Life Coach by understanding what’s working in your life – and what’s not – and become consistently proactive about making positive changes. As you become the Expert of You, you’ll gain clarity over your bigger picture dreams, and have ongoing support for making them happen. Kelly Pietrangeli In Episode 67, I’m talking…
The post Ep. 67: Working Together to Find a Happier Life Balance – Project “We” with Kelly Pietrangeli appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
It is really important to shine the light on actual bullying behavior when it is toxic, relentless and cruel. But if we mistake things that are rude, joking or even mean and over-label them as bullying, then we are going to stop paying attention to bullying just as fast as it came into the spotlight.…
The post Ep. 66: Is it Rude, Is it Mean, or Is it Bullying? with Signe Whitson appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Kids need time in adolescence to answer the questions: Who am I? Where do I belong? Am I normal? They need reflective spaces, quiet time, time for daydreaming, time to listen to music on the couch, not having anywhere to be. We need to protect this time for our kids. Mary Hofstedt, Challenge Success …
The post Ep. 65: Raising Engaged, Happy Kids with Mary Hofstedt appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
I think when you’re talking about your kids coming home for a longer period of time, whether it is for Christmas or summer, setting that expectation up is really important because otherwise, you get frustrated with them on the couch and we don’t always use our best parenting skills when we are frustrated. Maria Horner…
The post Ep. 64: Home for the Holidays: Preparing for Your College Kid to Come Home appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Enjoy the little things because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.
In Episode 63, I’m chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talk about family gratitude practices and lessons from camp for having more grateful families. At Thanksgiving, it's easy to remember to be grateful, but the habit of gratitude -- practiced at camp, at home, and in the world -- helps us to be happier all year long.
BIG IDEAS * Gratitude is a muscle. We can build it with practice. * Research has shown that those who express gratitude daily have a more optimistic view of life and a healthier well-being. * Developing relationships with the people around us makes it easier to share authentic gratitude. * Model respect by thanking others, especially those who serve us. + Use their first names when possible. + Make eye contact
Ways to show gratitude at camp or at home : * Flower Sunday -- the practice of handing a daisy while sharing an affirmation or gratitude with another person. You give your flower away and receive a flower from someone who acknowledges an action or quality they appreciate. Using a token such as a flower makes a difference. * WOW Bulletin Board -- staff and campers send and receive notes to build each other up and express thanks. * Thankful Thursday -- a note, text message or phone call to someone expressing thanks can become a helpful habit. * 3 Good Things -- share three good things that happened at the end of each day. + Commit to sharing them with friend or family member via text. It helps with accountability and makes it easier to remember. + Go around the dinner table and share with your family or friends. + Write them down in a journal before bed, or share three things you are thankful for first thing in the morning. + This habit can not only strengthen your gratitude muscle but also deepen your relationships and improve your outlook on life. * Gratitude Jar -- keep slips of paper for family write down things they are grateful for and collect the scraps in a jar. + Share the memories collected over the year at New Year's Eve or at Thanksgiving or anytime. + Attach the messages to a bulletin board or even to the Christmas Tree! * Warm Fuzzies -- Take a sheet of paper for each person, write their name on it and pass it around. Have everyone write down what they appreciate about that person. + Be specific. It is nice to recognize precise actions or character strengths we appreciate in others. * Go around the table at mealtime and share 3 good things, something you are grateful for (besides friends and family) or something you are grateful for about yourself
- Ask children to think of ways they would like to show gratitude for others. Children have really good ideas themselves.
QUOTES Audrey: "We cannot raise grateful kids if we are not promoting our own gratitude."
Audrey: "It's important to remember that it's not just about completing a task, like sending a text or writing in your journal. It's about taking the moment to feel thankful. We need to take the task out of it and feel the gratitude."
Sara: "At the end of the day being grateful makes me kinder and softer to those around me."
Sara: "There's a lot of not-feeling-good-enough in the world. I enjoy helping people identify their natural talents and the natural goodness that is built in them and being intentional about building those into strengths for making a positive impact in the world."
More Gratitude Resources and Ideas My Pinterest "Gratitude Board"
5 Ways to Avert Thanksgiving Disappointment
Raising Grateful, Not Entitled Kids
A Grateful Family is a Happy Family
Gratitude Revisited
Feeling Thankful
3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a WOW Today
Grateful Campers are Happy Campers
Learning to Enjoy the Little Things
Teaching Kids Gratitude Rather than Entitlement: Berkeley News/Christine Carter
Giving Thanks can Make you Happy, Harvard Health
The Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting, Happier Human.com
7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, Forbes
30 Days of Gratitude, Writeshop.com
Kind over Matter
Why Gratitude is Important
Like listening to Audrey and Sara? Here are more of our episodes: Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships
Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths
Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings
Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With
Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space
Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids
Want to Watch this Episode on Video? Our Favorite Books About Gratitude
When the (campers) get home, parents and teachers, without knowing who’s been to camp, can always tell. Their whole attitude changes. They have more confidence. Phil Lilienthal In Episode 62, I’m chatting with Phil Lilienthal of Global Camps Africa. We talk about his early Peace Corps experience in Ethiopia, forming Camp Langano, spending the next…
The post Ep. 62: Creating Change Around the World Through the Power of Camp with Phil Lilienthal appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
Creativity is not (just) writing songs or painting a picture. It is figuring out what to do when you have a situation, which is not learned in structured play where adults tell kids what to do. They need informal, intentional free play. Andy Pritikin In Episode 60, I’m chatting with Andy Pritikin, camp owner-operator…
The post Ep. 60: The Importance of Outdoor, Child-Directed Free Play with Andy Pritikin appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
“We need to prepare our kids for a future world that is changing. The economy is changing so fast and the corporate ladder is dissolving. We need to get out of our kids’ way and allow them to try new things, figure out what they like and don’t like. Let them fail and learn in…
The post Ep. 59: 5 Ways to Help Kids Thrive During Their School Years and Beyond with Pam Roy appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
At Authentic Teacher we are dedicated to helping students learn using culturally relevant lessons, best teaching practices and state of the art technology to help parents and teachers provide the best education possible in the 21st century! Jackie Beyer Episode 58 features Authentic Teacher website and podcast founder Jackie Marie Beyer. Jackie is an experienced educator…
The post Ep. 58: Authentic Teaching with Jackie Beyer appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
“The strong bond of friendship is not always a balanced equation; friendship is not always about giving and taking in equal shares. Instead, friendship is grounded in a feeling that you know exactly who will be there for you when you need something, no matter what or when.” Simon Sinek Our adult friendships are really…
The post Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships with Sara Kuljis appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
In Episode 55, I'm chatting with Anne Driscoll, owner of Branches Books & Gifts in Oakhurst, California.
We talk all things books, including:
Reading Levels Getting the parent and the child on the same when choosing books.
Getting the right books in the hands of each child.
The pros and cons of the reading level system.
Asking for teacher input when choosing a book.
"Let the child read what they want to read" - Anne Driscoll
Why some children at high levels are embarrassed.
AR (Accelerated Reader)
Choosing a book "I gently try to encourage them to let the child read what they want to read." Anne Driscoll
Why audio books can be great when a child is struggling with content
- Audio Books: https://libro.fm/branchesbooks
Knowing your child and what books are appropriate
Graphic novels for reluctant readers
Encouraging reluctant readers to choose books with a TV show or movie that might be familiar
"Sometimes parents want to shield their kids from sad stories or tragic endings, but those are the ones that really stick with you." Audrey Monke
Fostering a love of reading "One of my favorite things as a parent was when my kids got to an age where I could read my favorite book to them aloud." Audrey Monke
The importance of reading aloud
Listening or reading a book before your child to be aware of inappropriate content
Why getting into a "don't read that" mentality isn't good
Independent bookstores Helping children and parents find books that foster a love of reading
Taking the time to get to know the child and their interests and then finding a book
Informing parents about unexpected content that may be in a book a child is requesting
Related Raising a Reader
Books We Talked About The Read Aloud Handbook, Jim Trelease
Harry Potter series
A Wrinkle in Time
Harriet the Spy
Roald Dahl
Judy Blume
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Guys Read - short stories (horror, sci fi, sports)
Five Nights at Freddy's
Dog Man
To All the Boy I've Loved Before
The Book Thief
Wonder
Ramona (Beverly Cleary)
ESIO TROT, Roald Dahl
Charlotte's Web, EB White
The One and Only Ivan, Catherine Applegate
Little House on the Prairie
Chronicles of Narnia
Hunger Games
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Sharp Objects, Dark Places
Milk & Honey, The Sun and Her Flowers
Fun Reading Related Websites IndieBooks - Find your local independent book seller
What Should I Read Next?
goodreads
Branches Books & Gifts
"Chores give children a sense of purpose and accomplishment."
-Dr. Jim Sears
In Episode 51, I'm chatting with my long-time friend and camp colleague, Dr. Jim Sears. I've known him as Camp Doctor "Bones" for the past 14 years, but he is better known by his patients at his family's pediatric practice as "Dr. Jim."
Dr. Jim spent several years as a co-host on the Dr. Phil hit spin-off series called, The Doctors, a nationally syndicated hour-long daily talk show that is informative and entertaining!
Dr. Jim earned his medical degree at St. Louis University School of Medicine in 1996 and completed his pediatric residency at Northeastern Ohio University College of Medicine, Tod Children’s Hospital in Youngstown, Ohio in 1999. During his residency, he received the honor of “Emergency Medicine Resident of the Year.”
Dr. Jim has been featured on Parenting.com’s “Ask the Experts,” and has written for “Parenting” and “BabyTalk” magazine. Dr Sears’ medical advice has been featured on “Dr. Phil” and the PBS parenting series, “Help Me Grow.” He is an active contributor to the content of AskDrSears.com, and is a co-author of The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood (Little, Brown 2006), Father’s First Steps – Twenty-Five Things Every New Father Should Know, (Harvard Common Press 2006). The Premature Baby Book (Little, Brown 2004), The Baby Sleep Book (Little, Brown 2006) and the best selling The Baby Book – Updated and Revised Edition (Little, Brown 2013).
Dr. Jim’s personal passions include endurance cycling, triathlons, sailboat racing and musical theater with his daughter, Lea. His favorite role has been Harold Hill in “The Music Man.” Other recent favorite productions include “Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat” (French brother), “The Wizard of Oz” (Cowardly Lion), “Annie” (Rooster), “Fiddler on the Roof” (Lazar Wolf) “Oliver! (Mr. Bumble) and Big River (King). In his free time, Dr. Jim enjoys snow skiing, hiking, and mountain biking (especially during a beautiful sunrise!).
Topics we Discuss
How to Help Kids Develop Their Self Esteem
Importance of Keeping Your Emotions in Check
You, Me & the Issue: Address the issue/behavior, not the child's character
Fostering Independence
Resources/Related
Ask Dr. Sears
Give Children Freedom to Explore (episode from The Doctors)
Benefits of Nature
In Episode 50, I chat with K.J. Dell'Antonia, author of How to be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute.
From KJ's website:
I believe each of us is responsible for our own happiness.
I believe happier parents are better parents and better people.
I believe family should be a source of joy and refuge, not another stressor in a busy life.
I believe we can be happy even when things aren’t great.
We can raise our families, live our lives, and love (almost) every minute of it — if we let go of the idea of parenting as a direct route to a destination: success, and decide to meander along our own merry way.
This former New York Times reporter is taking on the rug rat race — join me! I wrote and edited the Motherlode blog for the Times from 2011 until 2016 and was a contributing editor to the Well Family section from 2016-2017. Ten minutes in my kitchen would convince you that, while some parts of my family life are enviably together (the Rice Krispie treats on the counter, the meal in the slow cooker) others are works in progress (the child on the floor, wailing that the homework is “too hard”). “How to Be a Happier Parent” is not a memoir (far from it!). Instead, my research, interviews, and reporting are geared towards helping all of us figure out “how it’s done” in the bits of family life we find most challenging.
I was fortunate to meet KJ at the Mom 2.0 Conference, read an advanced copy of her book, and interview her for the podcast!
To determine what her chapters would be about, K.J. asked parents, "What sucks most?" about parenting. Chores and discipline rose to the top of the list, and those are two of the many topics we discuss in this episode.
Order How to be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute!
How to be a Happier Parent description
An encouraging guide to helping parents find more happiness in their day-to-day family life, from the former lead editor of the New York Times Motherlode blog.
In all the writing and reporting KJ Dell'Antonia has done on families over the years, one topic keeps coming up again and again: parents crave a greater sense of happiness in their daily lives. In this optimistic, solution-packed book, KJ asks: How can we change our family life so that it is full of the joy we'd always hoped for? Drawing from the latest research and interviews with families, KJ discovers that it's possible to do more by doing less and make our family life a refuge and pleasure, rather than another stress point on a hectic day. She focuses on nine common problem spots that cause parents the most grief, explores why they are hard, and offers small, doable, sometimes surprising steps you can take to make them better. Whether it's getting everyone out the door on time in the morning or making sure chores and homework get done without another battle, How to Be a Happier Parent shows that having a family isn't just about raising great kids and churning them out at destination: success. It's about experiencing joy--real joy, the kind you look back on, look forward to and live for--along the way.
Resources/Related K.J.'s Website
Follow K.J.
Ignore It by Catherine Pearlman (mentioned in this episode)
Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
In Episode 49, I'm chatting with Michelle Kinder, Executive Director of the Momentous Institute in Dallas, Texas.
Michelle has worked in the field of children's mental health for more than 20 years and is a Licensed Professional Counselor. She graduated from Baylor University with a Bachelor’s degree in Theatre Arts and the University of Texas with a Master’s degree in Educational Psychology.
Michelle is a fellow of the OpEd Project and has articles featured in TIME, Washington Post, Dallas Morning News, Mindful Magazine, Huffington Post, PBS’ Next Avenue, and Scary Mommy. She is a nationally recognized speaker on trauma, parenting, social-emotional health, and emotionally intelligent leadership. Michelle is a member of the Stagen Leadership Academy, the North Texas Chapter of the Young Presidents Organization (YPO) and the Leadership Dallas Alumni Association.
Michelle grew up in Guatemala and is fluent in Spanish. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her husband, Patrick, and their two daughters, Maya and Sophia.
In our interview, Michelle and I talk about the Changing the Odds conference (September 27-28, 2018 in Dallas, Texas), children's social-emotional health and well-being, and the resources available for parents through The Momentous Institute.
Social-Emotional Health is the capacity to understand and manage emotions, reactions, and relationships.
Three Things Kids Need for Social-Emotional Health We talk about what Michelle believes are the three most important things we need to address in order to ensure children's social-emotional health:
- Safe relationships.
- Capacity to self-regulate their emotions.
- Inspiring them for contribution over achievement.
Quotes from Michelle "The materials that we put out really are meant to shift every single adult on the planet into a headspace where they can really see and feel and understand children and give them the experience that they are seen and felt and understood and capable and cherished."
"We always tell parents and caregivers and teachers, if you do not know what to do if you're in a situation with a kid and we all are at some point where it's like, 'Holy cow, There's a possession taking place right now!' Start with just regulating your own nervous system. Just get your own self in check."
"There's such a hyper-focus on individual achievement and that's an empty place for most of the population. There's a very small percentage of people who are filled because they achieve individually. They might be proud, but they're not filled up by that. So we spend a lot of time talking to children about a contribution being the inspiration and that that will fuel achievement, that none of us are in it for ourselves."
"We're in it to be part of a community, safe relationships, helping kids learn how to self-regulate and then inspiring them for contribution over personal achievement."
"In our education system and in our parenting, we're all a little overly captured by fear."
"Energetically we show up differently when we are guided by love instead of fear."
Links Momentous Institute
Momentous Institute Blog
Momentous Institute Shop
Related Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun
Talking with Kids about Friendship
Helping Kids Find Their "Green Zone"
A Guide to EQ and SEL
Something I always talk about is the parent child relationship.
It is so important, especially at this age.
Reid Broudy
Reid Broudy is a rising senior who attends Wildwood School in Los Angeles. Reid has been coming to Gold Arrow Camp since 2014 and recently completed the Junior Counselor program. His camp nickname is REX. Some of Reid’s extracurricular activities include serving as student body president, running his own club called Teens Make a Change, and being on the Common Sense Media Teen Council. What is Common Sense Media? Common Sense Media is a non-partisan, not-for-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of kids and families by providing the trustworthy information, education, and independent voice they need to thrive in a world of media and technology. CSM provides accurate information and tools, as well as an independent forum so that families can have a choice and a voice about the media they consume. Find out more at www.commonsensemedia.org. CSM’s Los Angeles Teen Council is designed to empower young people to become leaders and role models in the community by learning and speaking about issues of digital citizenship and literacy, and by modeling responsible media use. Reid, along with the other board members, travels to different events throughout Los Angeles and talk to Middle School Parents about today’s technology. They also answer questions and give tech/parenting advice while reflecting on their own middle school digital footprint. Reid’s passion for technology has also expanded into building websites for different clients. Reid hopes to create a safer environment online and return back to camp soon! Quotes from Reid "Something I always talk about is the parent child relationship. It is so important, especially at this age." "Find a connection or passion that you and your child share that doesn't involve screen time." "My dad and I have gotten really close because we like to go hiking every weekend." "Especially going into middle school or high school, you want to start with a trustworthy relationship." "What is really important for parents, I think, is to check how much you use social media." "If you go on any kid's wall and look at their photos and their posts, everything just seems a little perfect." "When you see a friend's photo, and it looks like they're having a great time, and you're on the coach at home not there, you just get down on yourself." "We really need to realize it's fake. It's not a perfect world." "Have these conversations with your kid. It is really, really important." Reid’s Contact Information Email: reidbroudy@gmail.com Instagram: @reidbroudy Links https://www.commonsensemedia.org/parent-concerns https://www.commonsensemedia.org/guide/essentialbooks https://www.commonsensemedia.org/reviews Wait Until 8th Raising Digital Natives (Devorah Heitner's website) Related Podcast Episodes Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun Ep. 35: Unplugging Your Family with Jill Stribling Ep. 19: Being a Tech Positive Parent with Devorah Heitner Ep. 4: Giving Kids' Phones a Vacation Related Posts Too Much Screen Time? 4 Ways Summer Camp Can Help 5 Reasons to Unplug
For this episode of the Podcast, I talked with five 17-year-old Junior Counselors who've been going to camp for a long time: Will (10th year); Jackson (7th year); Caroline (7th year); Blake (6th year); and Quinn (3rd year).
Below are some quotes from our talk.
How have you changed or grown because of your time at camp? Will: "When I'm at camp, I realize that being yourself is the best thing to be."
"The best friends to have are people that accept you for who you are."
"Camp has made me a kinder person."
Jackson: "When I first came to camp, when music was playing, I'd be the one just sitting down, not participating in the dancing, but as I've come back every year, I started participating more and more. Now whenever there's music playing, I'm up dancing and having a great time."
"I feel like camp definitely helped me just be able to be myself all the time."
Caroline: "I think that camp has provided me with a new perspective on life. It helps me go back home and know that I shouldn't care about what others think and that I should always be proud of who I am."
Blake: "Camp has a really, really positive atmosphere."
"When I first came to Camp, I had pretty big anxiety about introducing myself to other people. As I went through the years at camp, I became more and more comfortable with saying who I am, what I do, what I love. And now as a six-year camper, I'm perfectly comfortable introducing myself to my cabin mates."
"At camp I know I'll be able to have that positive atmosphere and just the acceptance that you don't always get in the real world."
Quinn: "But after coming here, again and again, I became more and more confident about myself and my abilities and what I can do."
How is camp life different from what you experience out in the world? What are some of the pressures you feel like you're under when you're not at camp that you kind of get away from when you're here? Will: "I think at school there are a lot of pressures for just fitting in and kind of being the cool kid at school."
"At camp, you can be whoever you want to be."
Jackson: "Aside from just friends and just classmates or whatever, parents and coaches can also be like pushing you too hard, so when you come to camp it's just a great stress relief from all of those pressures."
Caroline: "I think that at home we are all so focused on the future and where life is going to bring us in high school, colleges and applications and stuff."
"At camp, we can live more in the moment and learn to take life for what it is and to really appreciate what you have in the moment."
"I think what camp has provided me is that I can fully appreciate every day for what it is and not be like everyone else surrounding me."
Blake: "At home, I get a lot of pressure from both my parents but also myself to get good grades, because that's something that's always been important to me. But at camp, I really feel a release from that because I'm able to just do the activities and focus on what I'm doing now. I can really be in the now."
"Camp really is a stress reliever. It does like all sorts of great things for me. Like I just love every part of it because it's like a vacation -- a better vacation than I could even have with my family going to some exotic place."
Quinn: "Camp is a way for me to start off fresh."
What words of advice do you have for parents who are nervous about their kids not being able to do camp? Will: "I think like camp, in general, is a great experience for kids to have."
"If you get a scrape on your knee or it's a hard hike, when you're home and in reality, it helps you through other things and helps you get through tougher things there because you're like, 'Oh, if I could do that at camp, I can easily do that here.'"
Caroline: "Parents will realize when the kids come back for however long they were gone that they're a completely new person and they have grown so much and they have probably become more confident just because they have gone to camp."
"Camp is a place where you can learn lessons that you can't learn in school, you can't learn at home."
Blake: "It's all about bouncing back and finding the positives even in the negatives."
How do you think camp has helped you be able to do things, not just college but other things that are away from home? Will: "I think camp in general just helps you all around with your skills like social skills and being independent."
Blake: "At camp, it's really about learning how to make the choices for yourself that will benefit you in the future."
"I hated salad since I was a little kid. But after these past six years, I go to the salad bar every day at lunch and dinner. It's like one of my favorite things at camp, at the dining porch. I love it."
Related:
10 Reasons Great Parents Choose Summer Camp
Five Reasons Every Teen Should go to Summer Camp
10 Surprising Things Kids Learn at Summer Camp
7 Ways to Help Kids Through Their Teen Years
Ep. 27: Raising Teens Who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever
Ready for Adulthood Checklist
In Episode 46, I chat with Tom Rosenberg, CEO of the American Camp Association about summer camp, accreditation, and #CampKindnessDay.
Big Ideas * #CampKindnessDay * Partnering with Kindness Evolution to promote #CampKindnessDay. * Empathy and kindness need to be taught * Practicing Kindness at Home * The Importance of Story Telling
Tom: "Camp is a place where we put those phones aside, we leave them home, literally - 91% of ACA camps do not allow technology to enter their campers' life while they are at camp. So at camp we have an opportunity to learn to live and work and play and communicate with other kids and young adults from different perspectives from our own."
Tom: "I hope that on #CampKindnessDay ... campers will share stories of how they've learned to be kind."
Tom: "Showing appreciation for other people, and helping them feel valued and part of the community - that's kindness. But that's also the way we lead."
Tom: "When kids are in an environment where they feel appreciated and included, then they're willing to take positive risks and try new things that they've never tried before."
Tom's Bio Tom Rosenberg has a distinguished career in the camp profession and a long resume of service to ACA. He most recently served as the executive director of Camp Judaea in Hendersonville, North Carolina. Prior to Camp Judaea, Tom spent more than two decades with Blue Star Camps in North Carolina, most of those years as a director. Tom is a past national treasurer and board member of the ACA as well as a past board president and treasurer of ACA Southeastern. A founding board member of the North Carolina Youth Camp Association, Tom was awarded the Henderson County Chamber of Commerce’s inaugural Camp Industry Leadership Award as well as the American Camp Association’s National Honor Award and ACA Southeastern’s Distinguished Service Award.
With an educational focus in business, Tom graduated with distinction from the Marshall School of Business at the University of Southern California with an MBA and from the AB Freeman School of Business at Tulane University with a BS in Management. He is also a graduate of ACA’s Camp Director Institute.
Tom melds his experience in the camp profession with business expertise, inspirational vision, successful fundraising experience, professional agility, organizational skills, and strategic focus — attributes that are essential to achieving success as ACA’s President/CEO. We are indeed fortunate to have such a thoughtful, dedicated, and experienced leader who is willing to take his commitment to camp, youth development, and ACA to a greater level. Tom, his wife Pam Sugarman, and their son Daniel live in Atlanta, Georgia.
Resources American Camp Association (ACA)
Find a Camp (ACA's searchable database)
Parent Blog (ACA)
Accreditation (ACA Standards)
Links, Resources, & Related Posts American Camp Association (ACA)
Find a Camp (ACA's searchable database)
Parent Blog (ACA)
Accreditation (ACA Standards)
Kindness Evolution
5 Reasons Not to Worry While Your Kids are at Camp
The Power of Kindness
Too Much Screen Time? 4 Ways Summer Camp Can Help
It’s much more than getting you into college. It’s more about asking questions that we don’t ask kids early enough and if we did, it might help them navigate some of the tough parts of being a teen or tween in the US today.
-Ana Homayoun
In Episode 45, I talk with Ana Homayoun, a nationally recognized counselor and consultant specializing in strategies for junior high and high school students. I invited Ana on the podcast because I found her book Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials) to be an extremely timely and helpful book for parents, teachers, and others who work with youth.
Ana's Bio When Ana Homayoun was a senior in college, she had a professor ask her what qualities she wanted in a career. “I want to write, I want to travel, and I want to help people,” she said without missing the beat.
Fifteen years later, she does all of the above. Ana Homayoun is an author, educator, and coach who helps teens and young adults grow into resilient, thoughtful, and engaged young people. She is the founder of the Silicon Valley-based Green Ivy Educational Consulting, and travels around the world speaking at schools and conferences. Her work has been featured in the NYTimes, Chicago Tribune, SF Chronicle, ABC News, and USA Today, among others, and she is a frequent guest on NPR. Her first book, That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week quickly became a classic for those who deal with disorganization and distractions. Her second book, The Myth of the Perfect Girl highlights the modern day dilemmas of today’s teen girls and young adult women, and was heralded by one college student as being the book “that discusses what everyone is dealing with but no one is talking about.” Her latest book, Social Media Wellness, caused her to spend far more hours than she would like to admit using Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter.
Green Ivy Consulting For nearly two decades, Ana Homayoun’s work has focused on helping teenagers and young adults develop their own blueprints for success. Her prescriptive solutions promote better executive functioning skills, effectively address the culture of teen perfectionism, and provide practical real-life advice on how to promote social media wellness in an always-on digital world. Her authentic wisdom and sensible perspective is real, relevant, and adored by parents, educators, and teens around the world.
Ana works with middle school and high school students on organization, time management, and finding purpose. She and her team help students figure out their own goals and the daily habits they need to practice in order to achieve those goals. She helps make the college admissions process an empowering rather than a stressful experience.
I'm looking forward to my son (starting his senior year in August) working with Ana and her team at Green Ivy on his college application process. They help students organize the process so that they do 2-4 hours of work on applications per week (2-3 tasks), maximize sleep, wellness, and free time, and are done with applications by early December. Sounds great to me!
Ana's Books That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week: Helping Disorganized and Distracted Boys Succeed in School and Life The Myth of the Perfect Girl: Helping Our Daughters Find Authentic Success and Happiness in School and Life “A lot of women read that book for their daughters and came up to me and said, ‘I read it for my daughter but I saw myself in it.’”
(Note: I'm currently reading this and have used some of Ana's insights with our teenage campers.)
Social Media Wellness: Helping Tweens and Teens Thrive in an Unbalanced Digital World (Corwin Teaching Essentials) Parents need to step back and realize that social media changes so quickly. Imagine how your kid is trying to navigate this.
Adults themselves are dealing with the same issues.
“Instead of coming from a place of fear, anger, and frustration, which a lot of parents do by default – you’re angry that you kids are on their phone – need to come from a place of empathy, compassion, and understanding.”
Helping kids find daily and weekly detox times is critical. And being consistent about that and having conversations kid get the phone.
“Kids need this structure. A lot of kids will say to me, ‘I really kind of wish my mom would take my phone away at night.’ It’s very hard for kids at that age – when they’re teens and tweens - to deal with the social pressure. They’re so relational, relationships matter, and they care what people think of them, but they also want to be off. And they don’t feel like they can, and they have permission to. Sometimes kids will get mad at you, but the general tone is that they will appreciate it.”
“This is the kind of thing that kids don’t want to admit, but they need help with regulating.
The Three "S"s (from Social Media Wellness) 1. Healthy Socialization 2. Effective Self-Regulation 3. Overall Safety (Social, Emotional, Physical)”
“We need to help kids understand that decisions matter in a way that they can be intentional and feel empowered to make really good choices. And those choices may be to opt into certain experiences and opt out of others.”
Tools There are tools that can help (even tired parents) be consistent with keeping daily/weekly digital detox time for you and your kids:
Circle with Disney
Our Pact
Moment
Quotes from Ana “Many kids feel overwhelmed and exhausted, so they can’t really spend time on their hobbies, their interests, extracurricular activities, or things they might want to explore. So that’s really the cornerstone of our work.”
“What is your own set of values and your own set of interests and how does that blend in to your daily life and work?”
“How do you have purpose with your work in a way that’s meaningful and service-oriented for others and yourself?”
“My students are really inspiring because they’re really following their personal interests and they’re all so varied.”
“It’s much more than getting you into college … It’s more about asking questions that we don’t ask kids early enough and if we did, it might help them navigate some of the tough parts of being a teen or tween in the US today.”
“I’ve always been a huge supporter of camp … I feel like camp is a big place where kids and adults have that reflective opportunity.”
“I make kids get jobs in some forms of service – food service, retail – There’s a thread -- thinking on your feet, being able to work with the public.”
“That’s the number one thing that I think is a weakness for a lot of students coming out of college is this misbelief that you should be working in internships when often they don’t have a lot for you to do. So you’re just sitting at a desk, not really interacting. Versus if you’re at a summer camp, you have got to be “on,” and you’re working with kids, and you’re negotiating, and you’re collaborating, and you’re communicating, and you’re being creative. You’re coming up with fun different activities.”
“There are two things I look for. Were you a camp counselor and were you a resident advisor in college? It’s really important that people have those people skills and genuine joy in working with others."
Quotes from Audrey “Just when you take people out of their day-to-day life, and whether it’s going in to see someone in your office or coming to camp, and you just give kids a little bit of time to reflect and talk, and you ask them questions and you hear their stories and you hear in their voice what they get most excited about it. You start finding those little clues to what’s going to fulfill this person this most.”
“Life and culture are not allowing for that slowing down and reflecting.”
“A lot of parents think their kid needs to have an internship with some big corporation during the summer when working at summer camp – the leadership skills, the bonding with the other people, that reflection time – there is nothing that a kid could during the summer of college that is a better experience for growth, communication, leadership skills, learning to work with other people, partner with other people.”
Links & Resources Mentioned in this Episode Green Ivy Educational Consulting
Ana Homayoun's Website: reading resources and free downloads related to her books – very solutions-oriented!
Devorah Heitner’s Screenwise
Christine Carter
So many times as parents we get caught in our ego about what level my kid should be or how good they are, what team they're on, and 'if they're on this team, it must mean I'm a good parent.' It has nothing to do with your parenting skills!-Kirsten Jones
In this episode of the podcast, I'm talking with Kirsten Jones, co-host (with Susie Walton) of the #RaisingAthletes Podcast. Kirsten is a former college and professional volleyball player. In addition to providing life coaching to athletes and parents, Kirsten is also raising three athletes of her own, including a son who plans to play college basketball.
We talk about some of the biggest challenges for parents raising athletes including parental expectations based on early athletic achievements, keeping sports in perspective, intrinsic motivation, the "sweet spot" for sports participation, and what to do when your kid wants to quit their sport.
Quotes from Kirsten
"If your kid gets chosen for the 'B' team and they're ten, ask them some good questions. A lot of times, we decide whether that means success or failure for them...Parents project out their kid's whole life plan based on whether they made the 'A' team at ten!"
"The self-talk that we're doing is so powerful."
"We sometimes as parents have decided for them who we want them to become. And then things start not aligning. Or they don't make the team."
"Really it's not about sports. It's about how we show up in life."
"It's really about helping them create the life of their dreams."
"That's how she got to be so good, because she had zero ego about asking for help."
"So many times as parents we get caught in our ego about what level my kid should be or how good they are, what team they're on, and 'if they're on this team, it must mean I'm a good parent.' It has nothing to do with your parenting skills!"
"We all need a break. You need to go hard. Your sleeping and your recovery are as important, if not more important, than when you're in work mode."
"I think 80% of the game is the mental part."
"Be creative. Be curious."
Here's the video Kirsten talked about, of the little girl attempting to jump on the stool and persevering despite falls and setbacks:
Resources/Related
Kirsten Jones, Inc. (website)
#Raising Athletes Podcast: "Why Your Athlete Should go to a Sleepaway Camp This Summer." (This is my interview with Kirsten on the #RaisingAthletes Podcast!)
Jessica Lahey's Website (mentioned in this episode)
Ep. 43: The Gift of Failure with Jessica Lahey
Is Your Child's Sport Their Passion or Yours?
Ep. 25: Sports Camps and Competitive Athletics
5 Tips to Start Running (my sport)
In Episode 43, I talk with Jessica Lahey, author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. Jessica is a teacher, writer, and mom. She writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Atlantic, and Vermont Public Radio. She is a member of the Amazon Studios Thought Leader Board and wrote the educational curriculum for Amazon Kids’ The Stinky and Dirty Show. Jessica earned a B.A. in Comparative Literature from the University of Massachusetts and a J.D. with a concentration in juvenile and education law from the University of North Carolina School of Law. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband and two sons and teaches high school English and writing in Vermont.
Related/Resources
Jessica Lahey's Website
Ready for Adulthood Check-List for Kids
"Don't use the power of your voice, use your feet"
-Maria Horner
In Episode 42, Maria Horner is back with the final installment of her Jedi Mom Tricks. This is Part 3, the final installment of our series! Listen here if you missed Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 1) and (Part 2)! These Jedi Mom Tricks are important lessons Maria has learned as a parent and as a summer camp director for the past three decades. She passes these tricks along to her summer staff each year during counselor training at Catalina Island Camps.
Maria Horner with husband Tom, son Nick, and their dog, Boo.
Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 3) **Jedi Mom Trick #9: Recognize the importance of** **the words we choose – being intentional about what we say, our tone and our delivery.**
Jedi Mom Trick #10: Answer questions with questions as an empowerment tool.
Jedi Mom Trick #11: Use your feet, instead of your volume.
Jedi Mom Trick #12: Tap into the subtle power to influence behaviors.
I asked Maria to share another one of her favorite parenting resources, and one that she recommended is the book Crucial Conversations, noting that safe environments within a relationship are critical for effective communication.
Resources / Related Ep. 22: Jedi Mom Tricks, Part 1
Ep. 33: Jedi Mom Tricks, Part 2
Silver Boxes: The Gift of Encouragement
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Part of helping kids learn to deal with discomfort is learning how to be uncomfortable ourselves.
-Christine Carter, Ph.D.
In Episode 41, I'm talking with my friend and favorite happiness guru, Christine Carter, Ph.D. I have been a fan of Christine's research, writing, and speaking since 2011, when I recruited her to start doing staff trainings at my camp.
Christine was my first podcast guest back in Episode 1 and has been instrumental in helping me stay up-to-date on the research about trends affecting the well-being of children, teens, and adults.
Christine is the author of The Sweet Spot: How to Achieve More by Doing Less (2017) and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (2011). She is a sociologist and Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, where she draws on scientific research to help people lead their most courageous, joyful, meaningful, and authentic lives.
The working title of the book she is currently researching and writing, about what teens need for their well-being, is How to Make or Break an American Teenager (2019). In this episode, we talk about her research so far on raising "iGen" kids (born 1995 or later). We talk about the mental health challenges teens are facing, how we all need to learn to be uncomfortable, and how she manages screen time with her teens.
Quotes "We have become a nation built on comfort."
"This generation is really, really different. One quarter of them have made a plan to kill themselves... This is the most anxious, most depressed generation we've ever seen...We are on the verge of a very serious mental health crisis."
"It's so counterintuitive for most parents, right? We want to protect them. We don't want them to feel uncomfortable. We don't want them to be in pain. We don't want them to fail. We don't want them to be disappointed."
"It's not just that our kids need to learn to deal with discomfort in many forms, it's that we need to learn to deal with their discomfort."
"There's so much that's so good about the technological innovations...We haven't adapted properly to all the new technology."
"This is why camp is so important. It's actually an adaption. It's a hold-over from before... Now it's a way to cope with the massive amount of information and stuff."
"It's shaping them developmentally."
"This is the first generation of kids that really feels entitled to a life free from pain. And so if they're uncomfortable in any way, or disappointed, it's somebody else's fault."
Links
iGen, by Jean Twenge
Circle by Disney
Related
Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
Living Life in our Sweet Spot
15 Books That Inspire my Parenting
We're craving those few people who know us and love us no matter what. -Shasta Nelson In Episode 40, I talk with Shasta Nelson, M.Div. Shasta is a leading expert on friendship. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her books Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She is Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, her tribe of women committed to creating more friendship in this world and teaches monthly friendship skill building classes at The Friendship University. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a frequent contributor to the media appearing on TV shows such as Katie Couric and The Today Show, and in countless magazines and newspapers including The New York Times, Good Housekeeping, Health, and Forbes.
A few quotes from Shasta: "Most of us are lonely because we don't feel known by a few, and so it's not for lack of interaction, it's for lack of intimacy. Loneliness doesn't just mean not having people. It means not having the right people in the right way." "What we're looking for is really feeling like they notice us, they saw something in us, they acknowledge us, they recognize us, and that's really what all of us are walking through this world looking for. And to have a few people that can do that on a consistent basis is so, so, so important." Want to join Shasta for one of her trainings? The Frientimacy Weekend at 1440: https://1440.org/programs/frientimacy/ Find Shasta on social media: **Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest** **or Girl Friend Circles Blog.** Shasta's Frientimacy Triangle Want to learn more about your own frientimacy? Shasta has a quiz that scores people in each of the 3 areas of friendship so they know which area they might need to work on more. Take the Frientimacy Quiz.
A lot of what I teach is helping parents understand their children as people. The best way to be happy in your parenting is to recognize that your child is a person and to respect them and expect that respect in return.
-Karen Lock Kolp
In Episode 38, I have a fun chat with Karen Lock Kolp, M.Ed. of the We Turned Out Okay website and podcast. Karen is an early childhood development expert and parent coach.
On her website and podcast, Karen helps worried and hovering parents by bring reassuring, helpful advice and conversations.
In this episode, we talked about many things, including:
• The similarities between parenting toddlers and teens (and how much we both like teenagers).
• How some kids need "a longer runway."
• Calming down your family's evening routine
Links We Turned out Okay (Karen Lock Kolp's Website)
Download Karen's "Calming the Weeknight Chaos"
Helping Your Fearful Kid Try New Things
I was also guest on Karen's We Turned Out Okay Podcast! Our topic was Give Your Child the Magic of Summer Camp!
We had so much fun chatting in both of our podcasts and plan to record more episodes in the future!
"It soon hit me that all of the best parenting classes in the world are not going to work if you – the mother – are feeling stressed out, unsupported, overwhelmed or aren’t taking care of yourself properly. When some parts of your life are not running smoothly, it has a knock on effect on everything else."
-Kelly Pietrangeli
In Episode 36, I talk with Kelly Pietrangeli, founder and "Mama Motivator" of the Project Me for Busy Mothers website and author of the brand new book by the same name. We talked about so many things, including how important it is for moms to take care of themselves.
Kelly created the Project Me Life Wheel as a tool to help herself - and now other moms - regularly assess and work on different areas of life, tackling one issue at a time rather than overwhelming ourselves with all the issues at once.
This episode is a great reminder that by taking care of ourselves, we become much better parents!
Here's the review I wrote for Amazon about Project Me for Busy Mothers:
I've been a fan of Kelly Pietrangeli's website and weekly email newsletter for several years. She calls herself the "Mama Motivator," and that is an accurate description. Her colorful book, Project Me for Busy Mothers, offers simple, actionable strategies for moms to address and improve one area of life at a time. Plus, it makes your day more cheerful just seeing the book in front of you! Ranging from health to relationships to productivity and much more, Kelly offers excellent strategies for taking on our most important project - ourselves! Reading Kelly's book is like a personal strategic planning session. By sharing her own story, and helping us focus on just one area at a time, Kelly makes Project Me a fun, do-able project for busy moms! If you're in the throes of child-rearing - or getting ready to figure out what to do with an empty nest - pick up Project Me and start some life planning.
Order Project Me for Busy Mothers: A Practical Guide to Finding a Happier Balance.
"It seems like we have a lot more patience as a family for each other."
"We noticed that he started sleeping better. His personality shifted. He wasn't nervous all the time. He was just that kid that was always active, always moving, always really nervous, and when we removed that piece from the equation, we didn't know if it was technology removal or if he's just more relaxed, but we were sticking to it!"
-Jill Stribling
In Episode 35, I'm talking with educator and mom Jill Stribling about her decision to unplug her 10-year-old son and adjust her whole family's tech habits. We talk about the personality changes she's noticed, including his increased concern for others, great conversational skills, and sense of humor. We also talk about how family life has changed and why she believes she made the right decision for her son by not having him use screens anymore.
Jill Stribling has a B.A. in Child Development and Psychology and a Master’s degree in Education and a specialty in Literacy and Language Arts from California State University and more than 20 years of experience in education. After several years teaching in public schools in Los Angeles, CA, she was recruited by the American School of Madrid in 2001, where she taught Kindergarten and First Grade and took on several leadership roles (i.e. Grade Level Chair, Accreditation Committee Leader, etc.). With her educational and professional experience firmly in place, she developed a methodology for making language learning fun and began her entrepreneurial journey in 2008 with literally one student in her living room. Shortly afterward, she had a total of 70 students and actually had to expand her business. English for Fun is an educational group with an English Enrichment Program for children and adults, an Urban Camp Program, an American Early Childhood Center and a Training Center for educators. Today, she owns schools in Madrid and Pozuelo de Alarcon, and this year alone more than 3,000 students will benefit from the English for Fun method!
Related/discussed in this episode: Ep. 19: Being a Tech Positive Parent with Devorah Heitner
Learn more about how screen time affects your children at Mom Loves Best.
"When you're applying to college, there's a big focus on the name of the school, the statistics of the school, and the rankings of the school, which is important in some sense, but it didn't end up being as important for me."
-Hannah
Episode 34 is a follow up to Episode 21: Advice on the College Application and Selection Process. I'm talking with my daughter Charlotte and her friend Hannah about their college journey, which for both of them included transferring after their freshman year.
Questions could adults ask to help high schoolers to help them
What makes you happy?
What kind of community do you need around you to make you happy?
What kind of area do you want to live in?
What do you want to do in your free time during college?
Resources/Related College Touring 101
5 Must Reads Before You Drop Your Child Off at College
How to Stay in Touch with Your College Student
Episode 21: Advice on the College Application and Admission Process
Book I mentioned:
You decide as a family what's important...Every single thing can't be important.
You have to pick a few things that are in alignment with your family's values and then really, really be consistent with them.
Maria Horner
In Episode 33, I'm with Maria Horner talking about more of her "Jedi Mom Tricks!" Listen here if you missed Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 1)! In this episode, Maria shares more of her "Jedi Mom Tricks." These are important lessons Maria has learned as a parent and as a summer camp director for the past three decades. She passes these tricks along to her summer staff each year during counselor training at Catalina Island Camps.
"You know, those 'Jedi Mom Tricks' that you do to control my mind without ever yelling or getting mad."
-Nick Horner
Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 2) Jedi Mom Trick #5: Talk about your values and priorities and what's important to you (with your co-parent)
Jedi Mom Trick #6: Pick your battles: Decide and be a united front with kids
Jedi Mom Trick #7: Focus on consequences not threats
Jedi Mom Trick #8: Annual question for kids: What are some things you'd like to be able to do this year that you haven't been able to do before?
Resources/Related Ep. 22: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 1)
10 Ways to do LESS and be a MORE Effective Parent
10 Parenting Tips from Camp Counselors
The Power of Positive Words
The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact
Want to help your kid get ready for adulthood? Subscribe to get my weekly email, and I'll send you my Ready for Adulthood Checklist - you just hand it to your kid and let them start checking things off!
It's those deep relationships that are formed at summer camp that really have a dramatic influence on them.-Stephen Gray Wallace
In Episode 32, I’m talking with Stephen Gray Wallace about his recent article for Teen Life : 10 Reasons Why High School Students Will Get a Lot from Summer Camp.
Adolescents' Three Primary Developmental Tasks * Forming an identity * Gaining independence from parents * Making friends
The Top 10 Outcomes of Experiential Learning at Camp “Camp is an experience every child deserves,” according to the American Camp Association (ACA), which accredits more than 2,400 camps serving more than 7.2 million children and teens. Specifically, ACA points to the "joy" kids experience when they make new friends and the inherent value in unplugging from their electronic devices, enjoying being out of doors, connecting with other young people, and learning about themselves.
And the ACA adds that, from a quantifiable perspective, the outcomes of a summer camp experience include the following.
- Friendship skills: Make friends and maintain relationships.
- Independence : Rely less on adults and other people for solving problems and day-to-day activities.
- Teamwork: Be more effective working in groups of peers.
- Family citizenship: Gain attributes important to being a member of a family.
- Perceived competence: Believe that they can be successful in the things they do.
- Interest in exploration: Be more curious and eager to learn new things.
- Responsibility: Learn to be accountable for their own actions and mistakes.
- Affinity for nature: Develop feelings of emotional attraction toward nature.
- Problem-solving confidence: Believe they have abilities to resolve problems.
- Spiritual well-being: Develop purpose and meaning in life.
Camps are also being recognized as incubators for the highly valued non-cognitive or “soft skills” and as places to hone leadership and social entrepreneurship skills.
Quotes Audrey: Is there an amount of time teens need to be at camp to get these benefits?
Stephen: I would argue the longer the better, but these types of outcomes transfer quickly, so even if they are only attending for a week or two, you'd see gains in those areas. Certainly, the longer they stay at camp, the deeper those benefits flow.
Audrey: What do you think are some of the mechanisms that help teens in all these areas?
Stephen: I think it's the intrinsic nature of what we've been talking about. They're away from home. They're away from their normal support systems. They have to figure things out more on their own. They're with a peer group for many hours during the day...They have to learn to problem solve their way out of their conflicts.
Audrey: How do camp experiences help prepare kids for the transition to college?
Stephen: I've been doing research in that area, and this week I published an article in Psychology Today called A User's Guide to the First Year of College.
Audrey: What are ways you think parents can help kids learn how to own their own actions and admit mistakes?
Stephen: I offer camp directors the same advice that I offer to parents in my book, and that is to hold your teenagers to very high expectations, because they want to meet them - they want to meet your expectations. And then hold them accountable for those expectations.
Audrey: What is important for parents to ask about teen programs?
Stephen: Certainly, health and safety is most important. Ask specifically about how you keep the kids healthy and how you keep the kids safe. Also, ask about retention rates.
(Who Will Care When I'm Not There is a training video and curriculum many ACA accredited camp programs utilize to train staff on the importance of their role in keeping campers safe.)
About Stephen Gray Wallace Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a former associate research professor at Susquehanna University, and the past national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Driving Drunk). Stephen also works with the American Camp Association (ACA) as a feature magazine writer, media spokesperson and faculty member at its e-Institute for Professional Development.
In addition, Stephen is a resident camp director and the director of counseling and counselor training at Cape Cod Sea Camps. Stephen was also appointed to the professional development faculty of the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and serves as a parenting expert for kidsinthehouse.com. He previously served as an adjunct professor at Mount Ida College in Newton, Massachusetts. Most important, Stephen is a high-profile participant in, and commentator on, the modern-day adolescent experience.
Resources/Related Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace
Stephen is the author of Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling
Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever
Ep. 16: Born to Be Wild with Dr. Jess Shatkin
Too Much Screen Time? 4 Ways Summer Camp Can Help
Book Audrey mentioned: How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age
Highs and Lows
You’re not alone. Whatever struggle you're facing and however hard it feels to you right now, I’m confident that with support you can get through it. And I’m 100% confident that you’re not the first or only parent to have slipped up in all the ways you have slipped up, nor are you the only parent to have a child who does X or behaves in Y way. So you really aren’t alone and we are our here to support you and help life go better for you and your family.
-Tosha Schore
In Episode 31, I'm talking with Tosha Schore, co-author of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. Tosha is a parent coach whose mission is to create a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. She is the mother to three boys ages 11, 13, and 15.
Hand in Hand Parenting The whole philosophy is really based upon the idea that people are good. That our children are born good and they're doing the best they can and along the way, as they go through life...things happen. And the body has a natural process to heal from upsets and that process is a release of emotions...If we stop that process, a layer of hurt sets in. As the hurt piles up, the behavior gets stickier - off track.
Patty Wipfler (co-author of Listen) founded Hand in Hand in 1989, but has working with parents for more than for 40 years. She started out by running a day care and eventually turning it into a non profit, while developing tools based on connection and listening. Patty also wrote a set of booklets that sold very well - one on each of the five tools. Patty is Tosha's mentor and asked her to c0-write the book with her.
The Five Tools We want to do a balance of showing them that we care and we love them and they’re important and also pushing them to do things that they’re a little uncomfortable with but listening to the feelings that come up for them as we do that.
The tools taught in the Hand in Hand method are "really simple, but not necessarily easy," according to Tosha. Some come easier than others depending on the person. “The whole philosophy is really based upon the idea that people are good. That our children are born good and they're doing the best they can and along the way, as they go through life...things happen. And the body has a natural process to heal from upsets and that process is a release of emotions.”
- Special Time
- Staylistening
- Setting Limits
- Playlistening
- The Listening Partnership
Resources Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges (order on Amazon)
Sample Chapter & Reviews (On Hand in Hand website)
Hand in Hand Parenting Website:
Tons of free information, including articles, podcasts, etc.
Hand in Parent Support FB group, where parents can look for Listening Partners Tosha's Website
View all of Tosha's offerings, including her online course, "Out With Aggression!" and her membership community "Parenting Boys Peacefully: THE PLAYHOUSE."
Tosha's Facebook Page: Tosha Schore, Your Partner in Parenting Boys
Sign up for Tosha's email list
"Durable means to be effective for as long as possible - in your mind, your body, and also in your relationships with other people. It’s being strong and secure and moving forward, taking in and reacting to the experiences you have along the way but continue to stand strong through it all."
-Jenifer Joy Madden
In Episode 30, I'm talking with Jenifer Joy Madden about her book, How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design.
Madden is a health and environmental journalist who is also a digital broadcaster and adjunct professor for Syracuse University in their DC Program. Madden is a child advocate who has volunteered her time to establish new walking and biking trails throughout northern Virginia. Madden is also the parent of three durable adults.
Some of the topics we discuss include:
The "Triple Crown" of Durability
Genuine relationships
Importance of kids being able to look people in the eye.
Using a "gadget basket" during meals. Says Madden, “Not only are kids learning how to have face to face conversations and wait - take their turn and listen - it’s a really great opportunity for parents to keep an eye on them day today. And I literally mean keep an eye on. Because if you’re looking at them, they’re making a comment, maybe their words are saying something but they’re eyes - something happened. You’re watching and this expression came over their face really quickly. If you’re not looking at them, you’re going to miss it.”
Attachment:It starts a little before birth that the child starts attaching to the primary caregiver - the mother. The Internet Addiction Treatment Center is worried that kids’ first images are going to be obscured by a device. Kids that don’t securely attach to a caregiver become agitated and insecure and have trouble coping. We need to feed their love mechanisms early on in life, otherwise, they’ll be kind of shaky their whole lives.
"Virtual Autism:" In France and Romania, doctors have identified "Virtual Autism" in kids under age four who have free reign all day to be on a tablet. After days and days of being on the screen, they stop responding to their names and adults can’t catch their eye. When kids return to a regular kid lifestyle and they’re playing with physical objects and playing outside, that "virtual autism" goes away.
Recommended guidelines for a 12-year-old:
•Definitely make sure that the bedroom is off-limits to all electronics. Give them an alarm clock and train them from an early age. If they have a phone, start from the beginning charging it out of the bedroom. •Look away from the screen every 20 minutes to keep their eyesight durable.
Curiosity: “Every person is unique and interested in different things and that makes them a broader, fuller person and they can contribute more to society if they develop their own individual self. And so they need opportunities to follow their curiosity. If parents take their kid to a playground or a park, it’s almost like the parents aren’t patient enough to stay there. They have to honor the kid’s ability to get into imaginary play and to follow their curiosity.” When you’re outside, all the senses are active at once and that really helps a person to be very good at sensing things. Get kids exposed to dirt.
“Durable is different from resilience. Resilience means to be knocked over and have some problem happen and then you get yourself standing back up again. Durable means to be effective for as long as possible - in your mind, your body, and also in your relationships with other people. It’s being strong and secure and moving forward, taking in and reacting to the experiences you have along the way but continue to stand strong through it all. Learn and become wiser.”
Resources/Links
Book: How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design
Durable Human website
American Academy of Pediatrics Family Media Plan/Media Time Calculator: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx
http://durablehuman.com/fighting-tech-with-tech-online-tool-helps-families-reclaim-time/
Nature Play: http://durablehuman.com/NaturePlayCNC2016
Mr Roger's song "Garden of Your Mind"
The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age
Article on virtual autism study in France/Romania: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201706/there-is-new-link-between-screen-time-and-autism
Forest kindergarten mini-article/video as an example: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/23/learning/forest-kindgergarten.html
Related:
Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families
Five Reasons to Unplug
Why Family Dinner is Important
7 Reasons to Get Outside
Instead of telling kids what to do, we have the kids tell us what to do. It’s an empowering experience to let kids think that way from a young age.
-Paul Dreyer
In Episode 29, I'm chatting with Kyle Littman (COO) and Paul Dreyer (CEO) of Avid 4 Adventure. Kyle and Paul are both passionate about empowering kids to choose an outdoor, active lifestyle away from screens. Avid4Adventure is a program for kids in Colorado and California. They teach every kid—from first-time adventurers to experienced athletes, from pre-K through 12th grade—how fun and empowering being active outdoors can be. As campers hike, bike, climb and paddle, they build lasting skills and newfound confidence, igniting a passion for being active that lasts their whole lives.
Why do you think there’s value in getting kids outdoors? Natural consequences: So much of the environment that we live in -- school, playground, etc. -- people have tried to remove risk. We don’t want to avoid risk, we want to lean in where kids have natural consequences. If a kid doesn’t bring a jacket to camp, it’s fine to get wet as opposed to being on top of a mountain in a lightning storm, which is too big of a risk. Lean into more controlled risk, help kids learn from that to make better decisions.
Decision-making/judgment: When kids get taken outdoors, instructors don’t say “don’t do this, don’t do that.” We ask the kids very open questions… what’s different about this environment? Instructors help kids with positive risk-taking and developing good judgment. “It’s sunny out, we should all put our sunscreen on before we go.”
How can parents use these skills? Kyle: Start with “why?” What would you do? When my 5-year-old comes to me and asks what to wear to soccer practice or asks me to pack the back, I ask, "What do you think you should do? What’s the weather like?" I let her go outside and figure it out. If she decides to wear a t-shirt at this time of year in Colorado, she might be cold, but she’ll learn for next time. Everything from packing for a hike to going to a park allows kids opportunities to learn about natural consequences.
Paul: We do environmental briefings with a series of three questions:
(1) What’s changing in our environment?
(2) Based on the change in environment, what are the big risks?
(3) Okay great, what do you want to do?
Have these briefings all day long - get them in the mindset.
Our brain/risk management decision-making skills are a muscle just like everything else. Kids need to learn to ask themselves what the risks are and then make a couple of rules for themselves in that new environment.
What advice do you have for parents who say their kids aren’t "outdoorsy?" Summer camps expose kids to activities that parents might not be very interested in/wouldn’t expose their kids to.
Just don’t typecast your child as someone who doesn’t like to be outside.
Start small. If your child is currently spending a lot of time inside, you might not in one week turn him into a rock climber, but maybe you can get him in the backyard for 10 minutes.
If you find that your kids are ready and asking for a larger adventure, there are a lot of actual risks and perceived risks. Reach out for resources to see what the real risks are about activities. Like rock climbing -- people think it’s risky when it’s actually really safe.
Links/Resources
Children & Nature Network – Organization and Community started by Richard Louv.
Outdoors Alliance for Kids – National strategic partnership of organizations from diverse sectors with a common interest in connecting children, youth and families with the outdoors.
Richard Louv Videos
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder: A revolutionary book that explains how being outside reduces stress and improves our well being and makes us feel physically better about ourselves.
7 Reasons to Get Outside
In Episode 28 of the podcast, I'm back with my good friend Sara Kuljis talking about being strengths-focused parents. Sara is the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara offers popular parenting workshops in Southern California. In this episode, we're talking about the importance of focusing on our kids' strengths.
Ideas for Building Strengths Here are a few of the topics we discussed:
Helping kids identify natural talents, the way they are made.
"Tell me about a time when you experienced success. What did you contribute to make that a successful experience?"
The power of naming our kids' character strengths.
Enjoyed this episode? Listen to my previous podcast episodes with Sara! Episode 7: Family Pace & Space
Episode 23: Peaceful Mornings
Links/Additional Resources Celebrating Strengths
Focusing on Strengths
Power of Positive Words
Catch Kids Doing the Right Thing
Books
Websites Gallup: CliftonStrengths Solutions
VIA Character Strengths
"We are highly focused on promoting favorable youth outcomes, things like positive identity formation, character development, leadership, civic engagement, social entrepreneurship, media and financial literacy, conflict resolution.... and we're focused on prevention, working on issues like youth suicide, prescription drug use by young people, the opioid epidemic, those types of things."
Stephen Wallace
Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE)
About Stephen Gray Wallace In Episode 27, I’m talking with Stephen Gray Wallace. Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a former associate research professor at Susquehanna University, and the past national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Driving Drunk). Stephen also works with the American Camp Association (ACA) as a feature magazine writer, media spokesperson and faculty member at its e-Institute for Professional Development.
In addition, Stephen is a resident camp director and the director of counseling and counselor training at Cape Cod Sea Camps. Stephen was also appointed to the professional development faculty of the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and serves as a parenting expert for kidsinthehouse.com. He previously served as an adjunct professor at Mount Ida College in Newton, Massachusetts. Most important, Stephen is a high-profile participant in, and commentator on, the modern-day adolescent experience.
Reality Gap Stephen is the author of Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling.
Reality Gap is a book that talks about what teens are doing in real life compared to what parents think they’re doing. The chart in his book (see image on right), helps parents think about preparing kids to take responsibility for themselves. As your child matures, you should see decision making moving from left to right. When kids are young, parents decide, then as they get older, you make joint decisions on some issues. Finally, by the time they are in late high school, entering college, they need to learn to make good choices and decisions for themselves.
Authoritative parenting is the most effective with all ages of children, including teens. Authoritative parenting is high on expectations and high on warmth.
In our interview, conducted live at the American Camp Association Conference in Orlando in February, we talk about providing teens with both the structure and freedom they need to thrive.
Key Issues we Discuss • Importance of staying involved (but not overbearing) in your teens’ lives--slowly giving them more responsibilities/freedom/choices.
• Issues teens face in the first semester of college and how to help with that transition. Directly communicating with teens about values rather than making assumptions about their ability to make good decisions.
• Camp is great for teenagers--teens like the structure and warmth (the perfect authoritative combo).
Quotes from Stephen Gray Wallace “You want to give your kids some space as they’re getting older. Give them more responsibility, let them make some more decisions, pick your battles. Helicopter parenting is different than remaining an involved parent. They’re two completely different constructs. If you’re a helicopter parent, your kid is going to get to the next step in life and be dysfunctional. They need to learn to make those decisions themselves. But they need you as a partner.”
"Parents often sort of walk away when their children become teenagers. Think that they don’t really count anymore, that their kids don’t care what they same. But that’s how teens are… they start moving toward an internal locus of control. Parents get message that kids don’t want to hear from me but the exact opposite of that is true."
“You want to give your kids some space as they’re getting older. Give them more responsibility, let them make some more decisions, pick your battles. Helicopter parenting is different than remaining an involved parent. They’re two completely different constructs. If you’re a helicopter parent, your kid is going to get to the next step in life and be dysfunctional. They need to learn to make those decisions themselves. But they need you as a partner.”
Links & Resources Thick and Thin: Summer Camps are Essential Organizations for Moral Growth, Psychology Today (mentioned in the intro)
Cape Cod Sea Camps
Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE)
Pay the Price film
Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling (Book by Stephen Gray Wallace talked about in the podcast)
Recent camp-related pieces by Stephen: Summer Camp - A Good Idea For Teens (TeenLife Media) Creating the Exceptional (Camping Magazine) Thick and Thin (Psychology Today) Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines (HuffPost) In the Middle of September (LinkedIn) Related Posts from Sunshine Parenting: Ready for Adulthood Checklist
Conversations Before College
“Parents are bombarded by technology. We’re all under a lot of pressure. But we’ve somehow lost all sense about parenting when it comes to screens. And we have sense when it comes to other things. Our kids don’t ask us for chocolate cake for breakfast every morning. And you know why? Because we’ve created the expectation that breakfast involves cereal and eggs and toast and fruit, and that’s it. With technology, if we create the expectation in our home that we don’t have screens on weeknights or we don’t use screens at the table or we don’t use screens at sleepovers, they will not bombard you everyday with 'Why can’t I have a screen at this meal? Why can’t I have a screen at this sleepover?' because they know what to expect. There’s something about screens that makes us throw common sense and parenting sense out the window."
Naomi Riley
In Episode 26, I’m chatting with Naomi Riley about her recently published book Be the Parent, Please: Stop Banning Seesaws and Start Banning Snapchat: Strategies for Solving the Real Parenting Problems. Trained in journalism, author of several books on a variety of subjects, and mother of three, Naomi has many insights on children’s need for boundaries when it comes to technology and screen time. She is a visiting fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and a former Wall Street Journal editor and writer whose work focuses on higher education, religion, philanthropy and culture. To find out more about Naomi’s work--including published articles and books and speaking engagements--visit her website at naomiriley.com.
In the interview, we talk about many things, including the importance of finding like-minded parents and being upfront with other parents and kids about the technology rules in your house or car. We also discuss all the shiny new technology being used in schools and the importance of setting realistic expectations for our kids depending on their ages and avoiding situations (when possible) where we use technology as a babysitter (like at long dinners at fancy restaurants or swim meets, for example).
Other topics covered in this episode include:
- When smartphones/social media became so ubiquitous.
- How schools are handling phone policies.
- The benefits of summer camp experiences that offer a break from technology.
- How kids respond well to limits and parents need to rally together to set those limits. It's hard to be the only parent with screen rules.
- Things in the news - rise in anxiety and depression corresponding with smartphone use.
- How parents have been blindsided by tech stuff, especially with devices being used at school.
- How to handle phones at sleepovers.
- Naomi's answer to a 6-year-old playmate of her son's asking her for a device: “You are the device.”
- Simple ways to set limits.
- The need for parents to trust the adults that you’re child is with. You need to know that your school/camp/wherever you send your kid will get in touch with you if there is a problem. If you feel like your child isn’t safe, then he/she shouldn't be there, with or without a phone.
- The importance of teaching kids to ask other adults for help if they need it.
Interested in Be the Parent, Please? By Chuck Radke
This is an incredibly well-researched parenting book, one that blends seamlessly with examples from the author's life and the lives of many other parents. Each of its 10 chapters (Intro, 8 chapters, Conclusion) is chock-full of current or recent research and findings culled from reputable peer-reviewed journals and full-length books. I admire the depth and credibility of the sources. Despite the heavy scholarly orientation (it could be a dissertation), it does not read like a bland piece of academic writing or a loose collection of anecdotal information. The writing is nicely controlled, accessible, and appealing to an everyday reader. The author contextualizes for many of us forty-somethings the vast differences (and implicit dangers) between our childhoods and those our own kids now experience, and supports her findings with a fair amount of data (both from her own surveys and others) designed to be eye-opening (i.e., "42 percent of ten-year-olds believe they have the technological capability to hide things online from their parents"). If practical exercises are your thing, Schaefer Riley sprinkles throughout her book a number of "Tips for Cutting Back," each with an eye to mitigating kids' contact with screens, in many cases asking us to remember how we got through the ennui of our own childhoods (e.g., books, Rubik's cube, coloring books, dolls). Such practical tips, however, aren't so prevalent as to be distracting. In the end, it's Schaefer Riley's research and relevant examples that will make this book appealing to parents with children of any age. Amazon Description Toddlers on tablets. Pre-teens on Tumblr. Thanks to a variety of factors—from tech companies hungry for new audiences to school administrations bent on making education digital, to a culture that promotes everyone as the star of their own reality shows—technology is irrevocably a part of childhood, and parents are struggling to keep up. What should be allowed? What should be denied? And, given the ubiquity of technology and its inherent usefulness, what do sensible boundaries even look like?
A noted columnist and mother of three, Naomi Schaefer Riley fully understands the seductive nature of screens. For example, an afternoon of finger painting equals enormous cleanup of both house and hands. But an afternoon of iPad games? Just a swipe and a charger. Or what about car rides around town? Always having toys and books on hand isn’t a given, but your game-loaded smartphone is.
Riley draws us into her story and then walks us through the research on technology’s encroachment into each stage of childhood. She then offers "tough mommy tips": realistic, practical, applicable advice for parents who recognize that unlimited technology access is a problem, but who don’t know where to start in taking back control. These tips cover everything from placating an antsy toddler at your local favorite restaurant to best practices for keeping your teens safe from unsavory sites.
Any parent knows the effects of screens on their distracted, cranky, sedentary, and incessantly anxious-about-what-might-be-going-on-without-them kids. Naomi Schaefer Riley brings her experience, research, and no-nonsense candor to help parents prevent the children from falling under the destructive spell of technology.
Excerpted from Be the Parent, Please: Stop Banning Seesaws and Start Banning Snapchat. Published by Templeton Press. (c) 2018 Naomi Schaefer Riley.
When it comes to technology, parents must examine not only how they want their children to relate to the devices or how much of their time they want kids to spend texting or emailing or gaming or surfing. They need to decide something more fundamental—how their children are going to interact with the rest of the world.
It is not an exaggeration to say that giving your kids a cellphone is giving them the keys to the kingdom. There is a whole world out there that they can now access without your knowledge. That world, which will be constantly beeping at your child, will forever change him or her. It may change how your child views friendships, how he or she interacts with the outdoors, how he or she experiences time alone.
When we hand over phones and tablets to children, we are likely to be changing not only the information they can access but also their habits, their personalities, and their tastes. And while they may see their online life as a privilege -- if not a right -- we should also be honest enough to understand it as a burden. For the sake of our own convenience and their entertainment, we are giving up their freedom and perhaps even some of their happiness.
Tips for Cutting Back
Buy your child a watch and teach him or her how to use it. You may think that you need your kid to have a phone in order to arrange pickups and drop-offs, but you don’t agree to meet at a time. You are not Uber. If something goes wrong, teach your child how to ask the adult present to contact you.
Play the memory game. If you’re tempted to give kids technology because you can’t figure out how else they would entertain themselves or communicate with you or their friends, ask yourself how you did it as a kid. The answer won’t always be the right one, but it will give you perspective.
The book was recently featured in the Wall Street Journal, LA Times and Lifehacker.
"We want kids to learn to love the game."
-Steve Proulx
In Episode 25, I'm talking with Steve Proulx and Susan Reeder, the husband and wife team, along with daughter Aimee Reeder, who have owned and directed Carmel Valley Tennis Camp for the past 24 years.
Questions for parents to ask about sports/specialty camp programs Is the camp accredited by the American Camp Association?
The primary purpose of the ACA-accreditation program is to educate camp owners and directors in the administration of key aspects of camp operation, particularly those related to program quality and the health and safety of campers and staff. ACA standards establish guidelines for policies, procedures, and practices. The camp is responsible for the ongoing implementation of these policies.
The second purpose of ACA accreditation is to assist the public in selecting camps that meet industry-accepted and government-recognized standards. ACA's Camp Database provides the public with eleven separate ways to search for the ideal ACA-accredited camp.
Who will be supervising my child every hour of the day?
Who will be looking out for my child's social and emotional needs?
Do you accommodate all levels of players?
What is your technology policy? Do you allow cell phones? Can they have access to them constantly? Any time limits?
What is the philosophy of the camp in regard to the sport?
What does the camp teach kids about sportsmanship and how to handle winning and losing?
"I'm here at the London Olympics, and I'd rather be at CVTC."
-Former CVTC Counselor
The CVTC philosophy is that they want kids to love tennis, so they encourage kids to play a variety of sports.
I learned so much from talking with Susan and Steve. I especially liked Steve and Susan's advice for parents of promising athletes, "Let them have fun with it!"
As well as Steve's input about how much to push kids, "I don't care what the sport is. If the child reaches a point where they're not loving it, they're not going to keep playing it, no matter how talented they might be... You're creating a job for a child."
For parents, we can take a cue from Steve and Susan and instead of asking our kids whether they won or lost, we can ask them:
How did you play?
What did you well?
What did you do poorly?
That will go a long way in teaching our kids about both their sport and life.
More pictures from CVTC, where kids love to play tennis AND enjoy doing other fun activities as well:
**Resources/Related:**
5 Reasons Not to Worry While Your Kid is at Camp
10 Reasons Great Parents Choose Summer Camp
This episode of the podcast is an excerpt from my interview with Jessica Alexander, co-author of The Danish Way of Parenting.
When we’re so immersed in our own culture, we rarely take the time to step outside our ways and see if there may be some things we can learn from others, like a de-emphasis on competitive sports for kids.
In The Danish Way of Parenting (subtitled, “What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids”), authors Jessica Alexander and Iben Sandahl share that one of the best cultural practices of Danish parents is not judging other parents. So, if the Danes were assessing American parenting practices, most likely, according to the authors, they’d look for the positives in our competitive, self-focused, over-scheduled, and over-supervised craziness. What this book does so nicely is not focus on what American parents do wrong but instead shares a glimpse into a culture that is obviously doing some things right – they are, after all, the happiest people in the world!
I had the opportunity to interview Jessica Alexander, and it was refreshing to hear her insights. An American-born mother of two, she married a Dane and is raising her kids overseas (in Rome). Before her children were born, Alexander observed that Danish children seemed especially well-behaved and happy.
She explained, “I saw in Denmark a long time ago how well-behaved the kids were […] and I was really struck by it.” She watched this phenomenon over the years and realized the Danes have it right. When her daughter was born, Alexander read many parenting books, but found herself always going to her Danish family and friends for advice. Without realizing it, that network became her “go to” for everything. “I really prefer the Danish Way,” she said. “And then, one day, I was reading the Happiness Report, and I found out they were the happiest people 40 years in a row!”
Once she had her own kids (now ages four and seven), she started delving into the “why” of the phenomenon she had witnessed first-hand, and what came of it was her co-authored book. A quick read (just 103 pages) The Danish Way offers some straightforward and easy-to-digest wisdom about simple practices that come so naturally to the Danes. The practices, admittedly, may be easier read about than done, but offer some suggestions for a more connected and happy family life.
Play We all know that research supports the importance of play for children’s optimal development, yet our schools and our family schedules have not changed much to accommodate this knowledge. Despite compelling research, American kids are getting less, not more, recess and play time. Meanwhile, “Forest Kindergartens,” exclusively outdoor preschools, are common in Denmark and other Scandinavian countries. A few have popped up in America, too, which is encouraging. The Danes value play and it shows in their children’s daily lives and helps Danish children develop important social skills like empathy and teamwork.
Reframing I loved Alexander’s description of Danish “realistic optimism,” and how Danes practice supportive language. She writes, “Danish parents are good at helping their children conceptualize their emotions and then guiding them into finding something more constructive, instead of a disparaging or limited belief” (p. 45).
I know I could use some more of this “reframing” skill!
Hygge The most interesting, and perhaps most instructive, part of The Danish Way is the explanation of “hygee” (pronounce hoo-ga), a word that has no English translation, although “we-fullness” or “togetherness” could possibly suffice. Alexander experienced it for herself, firsthand: “I was exposed to it for years in Denmark, and I didn’t realize what it was. They [the Danes] knew the rules of hygge intrinsically,” she said.
Basically, hygge is a time for family or friends to gather in a drama- and complaint-free setting and just be together. They choose activities that are enjoyable for the group as a whole. No one person does the cooking and cleaning. Instead, part of the hygge experience is doing all the work together.
Alexander explained it as “Leaving the drama at the door. It’s a safe psychological place that you enter into. No complaining. No negativity. No gossiping. That’s not in the hygge place. You can play games, you can play cards, you can talk about good memories together, you help out, no technology. What’s interesting about it is at first it can feel weird, because it’s different from what you’re used to doing. But it’s so lovely and it’s so worth it.”
To help quantify the process, Alexander shares in her book the “Hygge Oath,” which “includes all the unspoken rules of hygge and gives you this opportunity to talk about it with your family or whoever you are going to do it with.”
Alexander summed up hygge as a “focus on ‘we’ time rather than ‘me’ time.” Perhaps this collective aspect of Danish culture is what sets it apart so strikingly from our more individualistic, competitive culture.
She called it “we-fullness.” I like that.
“The Danes do it a lot. It is in their vocabulary. I do think it’s a major reason why they’re so happy. They value this social connectedness so much.”
“Scandinavia in general is very similar,” Alexander said: “They totally hygge in Norway and Sweden and Finland, even though they don’t have a word for it like the Danes do.” I was reminded of my Swedish friends who get together to roast a pig and sing around Christmas time.
I asked Alexander if Danish kids are good about putting away their phones during hygge: “There is an awareness from the kids,” she said. “Kids really do try to help out. It’s kind of an understood thing, that if it’s a real hygge thing, the kids know that for a certain period of time the phones go away. They’re really good at helping out. It’s this teamwork idea.”
Similarities to Summer Camp Alexander does not write about summer camp in her book, but I, of course, asked her if she knew about camp, because I recognized some similarities between the culture at camp and the Danish Way. She had attended camp as a child and said, “I think summer camp is an amazing place to implement the Danish Way. Unless a camp becomes uber-competitive, it’s a great mirror of these practices.” Nightly campfires are a great example of hygge!
She didn’t end up writing about it in The Danish Way much, because she thought it might be too much for us American parents to take in, but she shared that in Denmark, “There is a lot of singing. It’s super connecting when you start singing together.” I had liked her book before, but after hearing her say that, I knew I could really relate to the “Danish Way!”
Resources/Related: The Danish Way
Recess Time in Europe vs America
My regular (and super-fun and wise) podcast guest, Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp, joined me on Facebook Live for this month's One Simple Thing topic: Peaceful Mornings. You can read more ideas in this month's post: 10 Solutions for Chaotic Mornings.
This podcast is the audio from Sara's and my Facebook Live discussion about creating more peaceful mornings with your family.
A few (of many) excellent tips from Sara:
- Solve one little problem.
- Let them face the natural consequences (not our barking and reminding!) of being late and remembering items.
- You are the thermostat. Keep it warm (not hot). Make your morning conversations NOT about school and logistics. Send them off with encouraging words like, "I just want you to know how much I like you."
If you missed last month's One Simple Thing, you can read about it here: How to Have a Closer Family in 5 Minutes a Day.
Please share your ideas for more peaceful mornings - and any victories you have this month in making small changes - in the comments! Or, send me an email!
These really aren't 'tricks.'... In order for any of this stuff to work...you have to have a strong relationship with the kids you're trying to use these on.
-Maria Horner
In Episode 22, Maria Horner shares some of the important lessons she's learned as a mom and now passes along to her summer staff each year during counselor training at Catalina Island Camps.
"You know, those 'Jedi Mom Tricks' that you do to control my mind without ever yelling or getting mad."
-Nick Horner
Jedi Mom Trick #1: The Look & The Look with Head Tilt
Jedi Mom Trick #2: Give Choices (that are both acceptable)
Jedi Mom Trick #3: Clearly Communicate the Rules
Jedi Mom Trick #4: Ask Questions
I asked Maria to share some of her favorite parenting resources, and this is what she had to say:
Here are a couple of books that are a little “off the beaten track”:
Good Influence: Teaching the Wisdom of Adulthood, by Daniel Heischman. He’s the executive director of the National Association of Episcopal Schools. I read his book when Nick was in middle school and was struck but his premise that we should be raising our kids to be good instead of raising them to be happy….because while there are plenty of happy people who are NOT good, almost all really good people are also happy.
My Monastery is a Minivan, by Denise Roy. Hysterical.
The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, and LOVED Blessings of a B-, by Wendy Mogel
Resources
10 Ways to do LESS and be a MORE Effective Parent
Michael Brandwein
Dr. Chris Thurber
Book I quoted at the end of the podcast:
Note: I'm going to stop using my super powerful microphone that is picking up all kinds of background noises of my papers, notes, etc. Sorry for the distracting background noises in this episode.
"For me, I grew more appreciative of everything I have...I also learned that I am a happier and better person when I am outside and don't have my phone."
Charlotte, talking about what she learned on her gap semester in Costa Rica
This week, I dropped my daughter off at her second college (the one she transferred to this year as a sophomore). She has several friends who also decided to transfer schools after their freshman year, so I know her college experience is not as unique as it seems.
On our epic road trip to Colorado, we talked about a lot of things - including her odyssey through the college process, what her friends have experienced, and where she's ended up this year. We're calling this her "College Restart" or "College 2.0." We've also had some laughs about what she called her "quarter-life crisis," when she decided, after returning home from her first year of college (which she mostly enjoyed) to transfer to a different school.
Because it's on the top of my mind (and the only thing I had time to do this week), I decided to interview Charlotte about the college process and talk about what we both learned over the past few years.
In Episode 21, Charlotte and I share some ideas about keeping the whole college application and selection process in perspective. Some of our tips include:
• Avoiding "Naviance" and statistics and instead focusing on which school's culture, focus, and location might be the best match.
• Beware of going overboard on SAT/ACT prep.
• Apply early (if you know where you want to go), so that you can enjoy the rest of your senior year without stress. Caveat: If you're not sure, don't do any "ED" applications (Early Decision, where you HAVE to go to the school if admitted).
• If there is a university that is closer to home (not two or three flights away) that is a good match, why not consider staying a bit closer, perhaps in the same region?
• Consider taking a "gap" year or semester (travel, work internship).
• Don't worry if you don't know what you're doing with your life. Most adults are still figuring it out.
• Get a feel for the culture before you decide! "Talk to people who you like, who are older than you. Visit and really get to know the school and the people." Charlotte
• Stop asking kids where they're going to college and what they're going to do with their life. They don't know yet (or think they do, but don't really).
During Charlotte's junior year, I wrote this post about the process of touring schools.
Here are some other posts I wrote for Charlotte and her friends as they headed off to college:
Conversations Before College: Who You are is More Important Than Where You Go
Conversations Before College: Honest Talk about Alcohol
Conversations Before College: Preventing Sexual Assault
Keeping in Touch with Your College Student
A 'Yes Brain' is one that is open and receptive and resilient. It's one that, even when something is really hard, we're willing to stick with it.
-Tina Payne Bryson
In Episode 20, I'm chatting with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson about her latest book - The Yes Brain - co-authored with Dr. Daniel Siegel. I love this book and highly recommend that every parent, educator, and person who works with kids read it this year. I found it to be helpful not just in my work with kids but in understanding myself (and my own "Yes Brain"!) better.
Tina is a psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of THE CENTER FOR CONNECTION in Pasadena, California, where she offers parenting consultations and provides therapy to children and adolescents. She earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California, where her research explored attachment science, childrearing theory, and the emerging field of interpersonal neurobiology. Dr. Bryson has an unusual knack for taking research and theory from various fields of science and offering it in a way that’s clear, realistic, humorous, and immediately helpful.
Tina speaks internationally to parents, educators, camps, and clinicians. She is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of the New York Times best-selling THE WHOLE-BRAIN CHILD and the New York Times best-selling NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE, as well as her latest book, THE YES BRAIN.
Advance Praise for The Yes Brain:
"This unique and exciting book shows us how to help children embrace life with all of its challenges and thrive in the modern world. Integrating research from social development, clinical psychology, and neuroscience, it's a veritable treasure chest of parenting insights and techniques." – Carol Dweck, author of Mindset
“Bottom line: every parent wants to raise a strong-minded, resilient, caring child. We just don't know exactly how; we open our mouths and we sing our parents' tired refrain, "No... no...no." In The Yes Brain, Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's teach us how to cultivate a receptive, curious brain in our children. I have never read a better, clearer explanation of the impact parenting can have on a child's brain and personality.”
– Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author Raising Cain
“In today's busy, competitive culture, allowing our children the space to be themselves is more important than ever. This book provides an escape hatch from the high-stakes mindset. It is a parent's guide to ensuring health, happiness, and genuine success—a blueprint for raising confident, creative kids in a fear-based world. It's never too late to implement the science-based strategies that Dan and Tina share.” –Vicki Abeles, producer and co-director, The Race to Nowhere and Beyond Measure
I also interviewed Tina in November on Facebook Live - Check out our video chat!
Earlier this year, I devoured Devorah Heitner's book Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World during a single plane trip. Heitner's insightschanged my previously (and very opinionated) negative view of my kids' screen use.
I highly recommend all parents read Screenwise, as the bookprovides new insights into our kids’ digital world and helps parents feel less afraid of tech. She teaches us how we can become "tech-positive" parents.
And while I'm still a proponent of being unplugged (as is Heitner), I now view my kids' (and my own) screen use in a more nuanced way. Screen use is not the black and white, evil versus good, proposition that it is often presented as in the sensational news pieces that fill our media feeds.
Heitner's work offers a refreshing perspective that relieves parental anxiety and offers simple parenting tips and easy-to-implement strategies to be a "tech positive" parent.
Heitner is the founder of Raising Digital Natives. She earned her Ph.D. in Media/Technology and Society from Northwestern University and has been working with communities, schools, and companies across the United States and beyond. Devorah speaks to schools, organizations, and corporations lead workshops and consult with educators on their toughest concerns in teaching kids to use tech in a smart way.
As Devorah describes:
I’m here to take the fear out of this emotionally-charged topic and help you guide your kids towards empathy, kindness, and integrity. Getting this right sets kids up for a lifetime of success in a world where they are likely to find a job, meet their spouse, and build their reputations in interactive, digital communities.
I am thrilled to share this episode of the podcast which will introduce you to Heitner and her important work to help parents navigate raising "digital natives" who learn to use technology in a positive way. Heitner's book and our podcast interview inspired me to think more positively about technology. I hope they do the same for you!
Resources and Links:
Visit Heitner's Website, Raising Digital Natives, for a ton of excellent resources! Raising Digital Natives is a place for parents and educators to get practical, timely, and non-judgmental advice to set kids up for success in a digital world, and in life.
Order Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World!
If you'd like Devorah's ebook: A Dozen Tips for Raising Kids in the Digital Age, sign up here. This post, Every Day is Picture Day, is one of my favorites. It speaks to the photo craziness of this era and how to mentor our kids in their photo taking and posting. Phonewise is an online class designed to take about 4 weeks (but you can return to the materials for the next year).
In Episode 18, I talk with Tom Holland, a camp director and parent of four who has many excellent ideas for parents to teach kids to approach life with wonder and joy, learn leadership skills, enjoy the outdoors, and learn appropriate tech use habits.
Tom attended the camp he and his wife Katherine now own, Wilderness Adventures, as a teenager. There, Tom discovered a passion for adventure and outdoor education. The program led him to get involved in the summer camp industry while in college. An award-winning educator, Tom spent three years teaching social studies at the secondary level before he left the classroom to work at a camp in northwest Wyoming (Teton Valley Ranch).
After two years on the team, he was named the Executive Director, a role he held for six years. In 2013, he went on to work for the American Camp Association and held the roles of Chief Foundation Officer and Chief Executive Officer.
Known as a leading expert on the camp experience, Tom has spoken at both national and international conferences on youth development, the camp experience and children in the outdoors. He holds a B.A. in secondary education and an MBA from Washington University in St. Louis.
We talked about many topics near and dear to my heart, including: * Getting Outside * Benefits of Summer Camp * Family Dinner * Teaching Kids to Ask Questions * Modeling Good Tech Use for Our Kids
I especially like Tom's idea of having his kids rotate leadership of the discussion at family dinner. What an amazing way to teach both leadership and good communication skills right around the dinner table! Tom shared one of his go-to parenting websites, specifically geared towards dads, Fatherly. I took a peak, and today's featured article was about celebrity dad Matt Lauer and what parents can learn from all the recent news about celebrities who use their powerful roles to harass and abuse. You can read a few of Tom's most popular articles here: https://www.wildernessadventures.com/2017/10/the-joy-of-music/ https://www.wildernessadventures.com/2017/07/heading-home/ To find out more about Wilderness Adventures, as well as Basecamp (his day camp in Jackson Hole, Wyoming), visit the Wilderness Adventures website. They have an awesome Trip Finder tool that helps you select the perfect outdoor adventure for your 5th-12th+ grader! I also found this American Camp Association video, The Gift of Camp, from a few years ago (when Tom was CEO). It seems appropriate to share with this podcast episode, since it's the holiday season and camp is one of my favorite gifts, too!
Inspired by this article, as well as my personal connection to her school, I recently got in touch with Corona del Mar Middle School Principal Rebecca "Becky" Gogel to talk about her new phone-free lunch policy, implemented at the start of the 2017-2018 school year.
Becky is in her third year leading CDM Middle School as Principal and, together with her teachers and staff, decided to implement the no cell phones at lunch policy after watching students and reading the research.
I enjoyed talking with Gogel about how she implemented the program and what the parent and student response has been.
This is a must-listen for educators and parents who want to hear about a great way to get our kids connecting better face-to-face during the school day. Kudos to Gogel for leading the way and showing other secondary schools how to implement screen free times and encourage kids to connect face-to-face!
Read more about Gogel in her welcome message to families.
Read the Los Angeles Times article and view more photos!
In Episode 16, I talk with one of our country's foremost experts on adolescent mental health, Dr. Jess P. Shatkin, about his parenting book, Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe. We cover a range of topics about teenagers and parenting, including sleep, social skills, summer camp, being present with our kids, teen decision making, and more. I highly recommend listening if you have 34 minutes!
I highly recommend Born to be Wild to parents of pre-teens and adolescents, as well as to school administrators and camp professionals. Shatkin offers important insights about why teens take risks and how parents and adult mentors can help prevent some of the more dangerous risk-taking.
The book is based on Shatkin's vast experience counseling, teaching, and working with adolescents as a clinician. In it, he clearly outlines why the current educational efforts on important issues like sexual activity, dangerous driving habits, and alcohol and drug use don't work and how there is a vital need for a completely different approach, one that he has developed and practiced through his Child and Adolescent Mental Health Studies (CAMS) program at NYU.
Says Shatkin, "If we have enough time with students, we can actually have a huge impact through these character education efforts." His prescribed approach focuses on teaching teens about risk and resilience, role playing specific scenarios, and having pro-social adult role models.
Shatkin has positive things to say about summer camp experiences, as well, and notes that camp counselors can serve an important role by providing adolescents a few years younger than they are with something positive to strive for. Shatkin commented about his own camp experiences, "I thought my camp counselors were the greatest people in the world. I remember everything they taught me."
Some of Shatkin's insights are ones many of us already know but aren't necessarily doing enough about. Those insights revolve our kids' sleep, screen use, and the importance of staying involved in our adolescents' lives. Shatkin's specific, research-based recommendations offer the motivation parents may need to make some changes at home around sleep schedules and screen use.
There are additional insights that were new to me and gave me a lot to think about in how I am raising my teenage sons as well as how I can more positively influence the adolescents with whom I work at camp, both the campers and the young adult counselors.
One insight from Born to be Wild I shared with my husband and teenage sons was about Shatkin's research on how teens actually make risky decisions, which is not what most of us have believed. Parents and others have incorrectly thought that teenagers' poor decisions were based on an inability to properly think through consequences due to their not-quite-developed brains. Actually, the problem is teens spend too much time thinking and rationalizing their actions. Teens don't feel invincible and actually estimate the chances of something bad happening to them as greater than they actually are. But they will rationalize making poor choices "in the moment" rather than just using a decision-making skill that experienced adults use more often to more consistently make good decisions. Shatkin calls this more advanced decision making skill, which requires less (not more) thought, "gist" thinking. Experienced adults don't think about many variables before making a decision. Instead, they use their previous experience to always, for example, make the decision to use protection when having sex (unless they are trying to get pregnant). Teens, who often were not even planning to have sex and therefore don't have protection with them, think about different variables and rationalize in the moment that it's okay to have unprotected sex.
If you'd like to read more about Dr. Shatkin or listen to his weekly radio show, here are the links:
drjesspshatkin.com
About Our Kids Weekly Radio Show on Sirius XM Channel 110 (8 am-10 am, EST)
I think it's one of my favorite parts of my job, getting to form these really
positive, effective, and fun partnerships with parents.
-Sara Kuljis
Last week during a trip to Southern California, I had the pleasure of an impromptu visit and Facebook Live session with Sara Kuljis, my dear friend who happens to also be a camp director like me. Sara and her husband Steve own and direct Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp.
Sara and I both have decades of experience working at camp. We both love working directly with our campers and training our counselors, but a big part of our job as camp directors involves working with our campers' parents. And, like all people (teachers, coaches, etc.) who work with other people's children, we have strong opinions about what makes a parent great to work with.
Following our conversation, I thought I'd sum up the traits we discussed, because it's always in the best interests of kids for parents to partner with teachers, school administrators, coaches and camp directors! So, even if you don't have time to listen to the podcast or watch the video, following are the six traits we discussed.
TRAITS OF PARENTS WHO ARE GREAT TO WORK WITH #1 Parents who understand children grow through challenge #2 Parents who are willing to help prepare their child for new experiences #3 Parents who are willing to share insights about their child, without getting defensive #4 Parents who admit to their own fears about "letting go" #5 Parents who understand that in order to gain some independence, kids need - at some point - to try new things away from parents #6 Parents who don't "label" their kids Note: We side-tracked into an interesting conversation about our thoughts about whether or not parents need to find a buddy to go to camp with their child the first time. This insightful comment came through on Facebook from a parent who listened to our interview (thank you, Christine!):
My daughter was nervous to go to camp without a friend, but when she got home she commented that it would have changed the experience to have a friend with her. She feels she was really able to be herself and do things she may not have done if she went with a pal from home.
-Christine, Camp Parent
Watch the 17-minute video of our talk on Facebook or listen to the podcast by clicking the play button on the link at the top of this post.
Want to hear more from Sara and Audrey? We're available (together or individually) to come talk to your parent group!
Send Audrey an email or visit her speaking page to inquire, or email Sara directly.
In Episode 14 of the Sunshine Parenting podcast, I interview Catherine Pearlman, founder of The Family Coach. She co-hosts (with her sports writer husband, Jeff Pearlman) The Sports Parent podcast and is author of the recently released parenting book, Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.
We have an enlightening discussion about the book and it's applicability not just to the younger set (toddlers) but to teens and young adults, as well. As I said in the interview, I wasn't sure I'd find this book helpful with my teenage sons, but I already have found success using Pearlman's Ignore It! technique, which is not quite as simple as it sounds. In the book Pearlman outlines the occasions when ignoring behavior is appropriate, how to reengage when the behavior stops, and how to praise and reinforce desired behaviors. I was, of course, happy to hear that Pearlman has vast summer camp experience as a camper, counselor, and director!
The book jacket description is accurate:
This book teaches frustrated, stressed-out parents that selectively ignoring certain behaviors can actually inspire positive changes in their kids.
With all the whining, complaining, begging, and negotiating, parenting can seem more like a chore than a pleasure. Dr. Catherine Pearlman, syndicated columnist and one of America’s leading parenting experts, has a simple yet revolutionary solution: Ignore It!
Dr. Pearlman’s four-step process returns the joy to child rearing. Combining highly effective strategies with time-tested approaches, she teaches parents when to selectively look the other way to withdraw reinforcement for undesirable behaviors. Too often we find ourselves bargaining, debating, arguing and pleading with kids. Instead of improved behavior parents are ensuring that the behavior will not only continue but often get worse. When children receive no attention or reward for misbehavior, they realize their ways of acting are ineffective and cease doing it. Using proven strategies supported by research, this book shows parents how to:
– Avoid engaging in a power struggle
– Stop using attention as a reward for misbehavior
– Use effective behavior modification techniques to diminish and often eliminate problem behaviors
As Pearlman says, the book is for parents of kids from 2-21, but the techniques might also be useful in other settings, including with adults who have difficult behaviors!
Let me know what you think about the podcast and the book! Comment here or send me an email.
Resources/Links:
The Family Coach Website
Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.
Related Posts:
Catch Them Doing the Right Thing
Focus on the "Do"s
10 Ways to do Less and be a More Effective Parent
"You are to use that [strength] to defend the women in your life against men that are abusing their strength."
-Heather Haupt
In Episode 13 of the podcast, I'm talking with Heather Haupt about her book Knights in Training: Ten Principles for Raising Honorable, Courageous, and Compassionate Boys.
After interviewing Kathleen Buckstaff about her book Get Savvy, reading this book and interviewing author Heather Haupt was a natural follow up. While we want our girls to learn to protect themselves from harm, just as important is raising our boys to be the "noble" men that Buckstaff describes.
After reading several books on the topic of knights, Haupt was inspired to use the concepts to inspire her boys. In her research, Haupt discovered that "chivalry is so much more than how a man treats a woman. That was just a small aspect but it [chivalry] was a whole code of conduct and way of living.”
Haupt used the principles of a Knight's Code of Chivalry to create a "Knight Training" for her young boys (ages 6, 4, and 3 at the time she started the training six years ago). In describing how she introduced the concept to her boys, Heather recounted what she told them:
“We're going to learn to embody not only the skills the knight had, but his heart, because that is where his true strength lies. And so I read to them the Code of Chivalry, and I said, 'This is what I'm calling you to live up to. Are you up for the challenge?' and they gave a resounding, 'Yes!'”
Haupt's boys loved using foam swords and learning to follow proper dueling rules, practicing climbing and jousting skills, and practicing archery. In addition, they mastered "squire's work," which included chores like setting the table and tidying up their "knight's abode." Learning the art of disagreeing, manners, and situational awareness are part of the chapter on the code of "don't give offense."
The code became a way to both teach practical skills and discuss character traits Haupt wanted to instill in her sons. She ends each chapter with a section called "Throwing down the Gauntlet," where she offers ideas for teaching each aspect of the code.
While Haupt writes from a faith-based perspective (she opens with the code of "Love God"), most of the knight training concepts are applicable for families of any religious background who want to teach boys values like standing against injustice, respecting women, speaking truth, persevering, and pursuing excellence. Even though my own boys are beyond the age of training with toy swords, I found many of the concepts still applicable.
Find out more about Heather's work and speaking events:
heatherhaupt.com
"I've written the book that I needed as a teenage girl."
-Kathleen Buckstaff
In Episode 12 of the podcast, I'm talking with author and parent Kathleen Buckstaff. Kathleen and I were classmates at Stanford in the 80s, and we reconnected a few years ago when I learned about this book she had just started writing. We have since shared many lengthy conversations about parenting and educating others on important issues affecting teenagers.
Kathleen's new book, Get Savvy: Letters to a Teenage Girl about Sex and Love is a must-read for every parent, educator, psychologist, and camp professional. If you love or work with teens and young adults, please read this book!
Kathleen wrote this book intending it for mothers and daughters but is finding that her audience is also including fathers and even two fraternities who are reading the book this summer.
Identifying predators' traits, tactics, and tricks is just one important part of Kathleen's educational message for young women. Examples from Kathleen's own experience and interviews with many young women provide compelling examples of steps to take to reduce the risk of sexual assault.
"Basically, I want us to change how we think about predators so that we can then talk to our daughters and sons, so that our daughters are aware that it's most likely someone that they know who may approach them in a way that isn't okay or that's illegal or both, and for our sons to be willing to step up and intervene and not look the other way or laugh."
-Kathleen Buckstaff
I want Kathleen's important insights about relationships, respect, and love to be shared with this entire generation of young people - both girls and boys.
Respect, discernment, boundaries, and love are all topics that Kathleen covers by offering excellent discussion questions and role playing ideas. Her goal is to help all people create happier relationships.
Learn more about the book and follow Kathleen's work:
Order Get Savvy: Letters to a Teenage Girl about Sex and Love at Amazon
Kathleen Buckstaff's Website
Walk Savvy Girls (Instagram)
Kathleen's Facebook Page
Kathleen's Walk Savvy on Twitter
What summer camp offers is the opportunity to quite deliberately place them [children]
in a very different environment, and if you are careful about that,
you can use that summer period as almost a "spiritual delousing."
-Ron Lieber
In Episode 11 of the podcast, I'm talking with Ron Lieber, author of the 2015 New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-seller The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. Lieber, father of two, has been the "Your Money" columnist for the New York Times since 2008, has a robust community and conversation on his Facebook page and an informative website. Lieber is a sought-after keynote speaker.
"Every money conversation is also a conversation about values."
-Ron Lieber
About the book: "The Opposite of Spoiled is all about how, when and why to talk to kids about money, whether they are 3 years old or teenagers. Written in a warm, accessible voice, grounded in real-world experience and stories from families with a range of incomes, The Opposite of Spoiled is both a practical guidebook and a values-based philosophy."
In our interview, we talked about "forced deprivation," not buying kids everything they want just because we can afford it. Because he mentioned summer camp in a section of his book titled "How Overnight Camp Can Help" (p. 187 in the paperback), I reached out to talk with Ron more about his thoughts on how summer camp experiences can help teach kids values.
The Stanford psychologist Lieber refers to in our interview is William Damon, author of The Path to Purpose: How Young People Find Their Calling in Life and Failing Liberty 101: How We Are Leaving Young Americans Unprepared for Citizenship in a Free Society (Hoover Institution Press Publication), among several other books.
Where to find and follow Ron Lieber: "Your Money" column, New York Times
Ron Lieber's Website: Sign up for tips on how to have more useful and meaningful family conversations about money.
The Opposite of Spoiled
Facebook: Ron Lieber and The Opposite of Spoiled
Twitter: @ronlieber
In Episode 10 of the podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing one of my favorite parenting and camp experts, best-selling author Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
For more than three decades, Thompson has been a clinical psychologist, school and camp consultant, and international speaker on the subjects of children, schools, and parenting.
Throughout my career as a camp director, Michael has graciously offered his wisdom, advice and mentoring. I've written about his conference sessions, books, and wisdom in several of my posts, including Homesickness Help and Secondary Homesick: When Your Camper Doesn't Want to go Back to Camp.
I continue to learn a lot from Thompson's books and conference training sessions and I highly recommend his book Homesick and Happy to parents who are unsure about whether to send their child to camp.Thompson wrote the book to "remind parents of how lovely it is to be away from home."
Order Homesick and Happy:
Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow
Related Posts:
10 Messages for a Homesick Camper
Homesickness Dos and Don'ts
Kidsickness
Parking Your Helicopter
10 Must-Read Books for Parents of Boys
In the podcast, we also talk about some of Thompson's other books, including three of his popular books about raising boys, two of which I have just added to my own library (Speaking of Boys and It's a Boy):
Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions about Raising Sons
"With candid questions and thoughtful, detailed responses, Speaking of Boys covers hot-button topics such as peer pressure, ADHD/ADD, and body image as well as traditional issues such as friendship, divorce, and college and career development. This perceptive, informative, and passionate book will leave you not only with useful, practical advice but also with the comforting knowledge that other parents share the same concerns you do when it comes to raising our boys into well-adjusted, responsible men."
Raising Cain
"In Raising Cain, Michael Thompson and collaborator Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., two of the country’s leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in decades of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting—sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Drs. Thompson and Kindlon set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that they’re not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that “cool” equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of "mother blame," "boy biology," and "testosterone," the authors shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive–the emotional miseducation of boys.
The book makes a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. The two psychologists identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy–giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth."
It's a Boy
Thompson's It's a Boy is a chronological book starting from before your boy is born all the way through being a high school senior. Thompson recommends "dipping into" this book, not reading it all the way through until your boy gets to the age Thompson talks about it.
"It’s a Boy! provides expert advice on the developmental, psychological, social, emotional, and academic life of boys from infancy through the teen years. Exploring the many ways in which boys strive for masculinity and attempt to define themselves, psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., a leading international expert on boys’ development, and journalist Teresa H. Barker identify the key developmental transitions that mark a boy’s psychological growth and emotional health, and the challenges both boys and parents face at each age."
Thompson also wrote an excellent book (which I have in my library and have read) about the social lives of children called Best Friends, Worst Enemies.
"Best Friends, Worst Enemies brings to life the drama of childhood relationships, guiding parents to a deeper understanding of the motives and meanings of social behavior. Here you will find penetrating discussions of the difference between friendship and popularity, how boys and girls deal in unique ways with intimacy and commitment, whether all kids need a best friend, why cliques form and what you can do about them."
If you don't have any of Thompson's book in your parenting library, I recommend you pick one up and check it out. His warmth, breadth of experience, and practical advice are incredibly valuable.
Michael Thompson's website
More information about Audrey’s new book is here: Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she’s learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.
"Everything good in my life is because of camp."
Daniella Garran
Daniella Garran calls herself a camp "cultist" because she loves camp that much. Daniella has been at Cape Code Sea Camps since 1984 as both a camper and a counselor, and she now serves as an assistant director. In her role at CCSC now, Daniella schedules over 400 campers and oversees the teen leadership program.
Daniella loves summer camp so much, she even wrote a book called Hello Mother, Hello Father: Celebrating Summer Camp! The book is a beautiful, hard cover, coffee-table style book that covers the history of summer camps in the United States. For the book, she interviewed campers, staff, and alumni from many different American summer camps. I first connected with Daniella when she was writing the book, and she ended up interviewing alumni from my camp, who are quoted in the book.
In Episode 10, I interview Daniella about her experiences at camp, what she learned as a camp counselor, and how she is able to use those skills as a 7th grade teacher. We also talk about why she recommends camp counseling as a great summer job and what she wants to tell parents who think an internship is a better idea than being a camp counselor!
Related:
Why Being a Camp Counselor is the Best Summer Job
"Sometimes we feel like salmon swimming upstream, but camp has really made us feel comfortable when we've made those decisions that go against the current in our community."
-Sally Whipple
In Episode 8 of the Podcast, I talk with Scott and Sally Whipple, the owners of three Bay Area (California) camps:
Mountain Camp
Mountain Camp Woodside
Plantation Farm Camps
The Whipples share five intentional decisions they've made that have shaped their parenting style:
#1 Embrace failure
#2 Value authentic, kid-generated work
#3 Give freedom of choice & empower kids to make changes when things aren't working
#4 Preserve unstructured playtime
#5 Limit screen time
"All these things are learned skills...it really is a consistent, focus effort over time to give them the time and space to do these types of creative things."
-Scott
Although the Whipples sometimes feel like "salmon swimming upstream" in their parenting, they are sticking to their unique, camp-grown parenting style!
Resources/Related:Episode 7: Family Pace & Space with Sara Kuljis
5 Reasons to Unplug
10 Lessons for Parents Raising Kids in a Digital World
“A moderately paced schedule serves our children better.”
-Sara Kuljis
In Episode 7 of the podcast, I'm talking again with my good friend Sara Kuljis. Sara is the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara offers popular parenting workshops in Southern California.
One of Sara's favorite workshop topics is about family "pace and space." In the podcast, she explains the research behind why it's important for us to step back and look at our family's schedule and if we're allowing enough time for sleep and reflection. Her worksheet, which you can download here, offers some excellent questions to get you started thinking about your own family's schedule and if you want to consider making any adjustments.
Want to listen to our previous episode?
Episode 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids with Sara Kuljis
“Not WHO you are but HOW you are.”
-Erica Jameson
I learned a lot talking with Erica Jameson, the third-generation owner and director of Jameson Ranch Camp, a sustainable, working ranch in California's southern Sierras. Campers at Jameson learn how to take care of animals, live simply, and, as Erica says, "play in the dirt."
We covered a lot of topics in our conversation about both her own experience growing up at camp, what she focuses on now at Jameson, and her own parenting.
Community/Belonging
Erica and I talked about her experience growing up in the close-knit community at Jameson, as well as how she experienced camp being an introvert and stepping out of her comfort zone.
“I never felt “lost” because I always had this grounding at camp…”
"Camp made me a much 'richer' person and one who values friendships, even across long distances."
Being "Underwhelmed"
In her own parenting, Erica described figuring out how to be "underwhelmed." In Erica's words, "Being underwhelmed allows me to take everything in and go, 'okay' and then 'alright, well, that’s new information, thank you.'"
Erica described the ability she's developed to "maintain calm when you are presented with something that could be a disaster."
In her words, "As a leader you don’t have the luxury of panic!"
Clear Expectations
Erica talked about the importance of setting clear expectations with kids and anticipating in advance what could happen so they know their options!
Want to listen to previous podcasts?
Ep. 5: Using a Growth Mindset with Jeff Cheley
Ep. 4: Giving Kids' Phones a 'Vacation'
Ep. 3 Raising Resilient, Independent Kids with Sara Kuljis
In Episode 5 of the Sunshine Parenting Podcast, I interview Jeff Cheley, the 4th generation director of Cheley Colorado Camps, a world-renowned summer camp founded in 1921 in Estes Park, Colorado, by Jeff's great-grandfather.
Jeff is in his 18th year as director at Cheley and with his wife Erika is parenting three young sons. He has a business degree from the University of Texas, Austin, and serves in volunteer positions at the American Camp Association and with several Denver-based youth organizations.
Jeff and I talked about camp, his family, and what he's learned about using the growth mindset. Jeff mentioned several books he's found helpful as both a camp director and father, including:
Jeff also mentioned the following organizations:
All Pro Dad
American Camp Association
Want to listen to a previous episode of the Sunshine Parenting Podcast?
Ep. 1: Raising Happiness with Christine Carter
Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids with Sara Kuljis
Ep. 4: Giving Kids' Phones a Vacation with Ashley Peters
"We want this party to be with all the girls being present and in the moment
with their friends."
-Ashley, Parent
Ashley's Facebook post caught my attention - it was a photo of the text she had sent to the parents of the 22 (yes, you read that correctly, TWENTY-TWO!) girls invited to her 12-year-old daughter's sleep-over swim party.
I am sharing Ashley's ideas here so that other parents can decide if a "phone vacation" might be a good idea for a future social event. Perhaps we can start a trend of parents setting limits on screens and media usage not only for their own kids but for other kids they're hosting?
As soon as I saw Ashley's post, I shared it on my Facebook page with this comment:
"This is an absolutely brilliant way to set limits on phone use for a bday party! HOORAY, Ashley! I highly recommend copying her text for your child's future events -- what about even for when just one child comes over?
Until we parents decide to set limits and create space for our kids to enjoy each other and have fun without their screens, they will continue to follow the lead of the majority of the people in the world (adults and kids alike) and be glued to their phones and disconnected from real people. YAY for UNPLUGGED birthday parties! Let's start a new trend AND applaud and support parents who insist on real connection. If I had a 12-year-old daughter, I'd definitely want her at THAT party! "
How, as a parent in this unbelievably screen and media-focused era, do we best supervise other people's kids' phone use when they are with us?
This is something we all need to think about and decide what action we're willing to take.
Thanks to Ashley, we have some great ideas! First, we can let people know in advance about any planned screen-free time. Next, we can make it fun by having a "Phone Vacation" spot that makes it playful to give phones a break. (I'd like to use that one with adults, too!)
Ashley did a great job outlining her and her husband Chris' expectations for their daughter's party. Both the parents and the kids attending knew ahead of time what to expect - and weren't surprised - that this was going to be an "unplugged" event.
Before the event, she posted this comment with a picture of the empty "Phone Vacation" basket: "Drew's winter swim/sleepover party is on Friday, but my basket for the cell phones is already ready. I hope the girls who bring their phones are ready to send them on vacation for about 18 hours."
I was not surprised to learn from Ashley that the typical pre-teen sleep-over these days includes a lot of photos, videos, and social media posting. By explaining the reason for the "phone vacation," Ashley made it clear that this was to keep the party's focus on the fun and real connection. According to Ashley, most parents responded positively to her text. Only one parent wasn't happy about it, and they, of course, had the option of not having their daughter attend.
Because being "unplugged" is one of the central philosophies at my camp, I have done a lot of research on the benefits of screen breaks. I've also put a lot of effort into communicating our philosophy and policy to our camp community, including the details of how we stay unplugged at camp. (e.g. "No, e-readers are not allowed." "Yes, your camper flying from another country will have their phone while they travel.") Our campers and counselors willingly agree to give up their phones and any phone usage - even forgoing those precious SnapChat streaks - to come to camp. And it's comfortable because everyone else is doing the same thing. Soon they all realize how much more fun they are having without their phones, and many embrace their technology break and become believers in getting unplugged.
But it's a lot easier at an institution like a summer camp to be clear and consistent about screen use than it is at home. After all, most of us don't want to be "that" mom - the one who is "mean" or "unreasonable," especially with other people's kids. We want kids to have fun at our homes. I applaud Ashley for her willingness to go out on a limb by creating appropriate expectations ahead of time.
What the girls coming to the party would have otherwise expected - the kids who already have their own smartphones or iPads, at least - was that they would be using their devices throughout the event, taking and posting photos and videos, creating music.ly videos (according to Ashley, the latest preteen craze). Ashley and her husband Chris were not comfortable with the girls taking and posting photos and videos from their home, especially with girls being in swimsuits. I interviewed Ashley after the party to see how she decided to send this text and how the phone collection and the party went, and she had a lot of good news to report. You can listen to the interview on my podcast here.
Even before I chatted with Ashley, I knew the party (and the "phone vacation") was a success based on her Facebook post after the party:
"When you can get 22 girls together for a sleepover, all of whom are in 6th grade, and there is no drama, no excluding, no whispering, no tears AND there are lots of hugs, manners, kindness, singing, and fun - you must thank the parents and the school for enforcing, reinforcing, and tolerating only the best for each of these girls. I am so very thankful my kids are a part of this."
I applaud Ashley and other parents who are making the effort to help foster more real connections and breaks from phones/social media! Let's keep sharing our ideas of ways to help our kids foster more real, face-to-face connections!
In Episode 3 of the Sunshine Parenting Podcast, I interview my good friend Sara Kuljis about raising resilient, independent kids. Sara is a 20-year veteran camp director and parenting trainer who has great insights and ideas about parenting and counseling kids.
Sara, with her husband Steve, owns and directs Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp, a Christian adventure camp for children ages 8 to 16 years old founded 44 years ago by Sara's parents Jim and Marna Slevcove. Together, the Kuljises also direct Emerald Cove Day Camp in San Juan Capistrano, a day camp that serves children from kindergarten through 4th grade.
Among many other topics, we talk about how camp helps build independence and resilience in kids, as well as readiness for camp, college, and being away from parents and home.
Sara shares three great questions to ask kids after a challenging or new experience:
1. What did you enjoy/love?
2. What was challenging?
3. When (not if!) you do it again, what will you do differently?
Books Sara and I mention in the podcast include:
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel
How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims
Present Over Perfect, Shauna Niequist
The Opposite of Spoiled, Ron Lieberthe
Social Intelligence: The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships, Daniel Goleman
Sara teaches parenting workshops in Southern California. Contact Sara to have her come speak to your group on parenting topics including:
• Positive Behavior Shaping
• Effective Affirmation
• Pace of Life
• Listening Skills
Here are some additional Sunshine Parenting posts related to the topics we discuss in Episode 3:
How Camp Helps Parents Raise Adults
Ready for Adulthood Checklist
Parking Your Helicopter
What's the Best Age for Camp?
Five Reasons Great Parents Send Their Kids to Camp
Why Kids Need to Get Uncomfortable
Who's Not Ready for College?
Making Family Dinner Like a Campfire
In episode 1 of the Sunshine Parenting podcast, I talk with best selling author Christine Carter, Ph.D., about her book, Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. We discuss two of the tips from her book, including "put on your own oxygen mask first" and family dinner.
We also address a listener question about teaching children how to handle unkind kids. Visit Christine's website at christinecarter.com for more information about Christine's books, online classes, and coaching.
I hope you enjoy the Sunshine Parenting Podcast! You can subscribe on iTunes here.
Links/Additional Reading:
Why Family Dinner is Important
No Time for Family Dinner?
Sharing our Highs, Lows, & Buffaloes
Raising Happiness
The Sweet Spot
Living Life in our Sweet Spot
Happiness Habits
31 Days of Happiness Hacks
Back in 2012, I wrote about how much I treasure our Family Dinner. That was a precious, memorable year for our family, the final one before our oldest daughter left for college.
Now our family dinners include just four of us (myself, my husband, and our two boys), but they are still my favorite part of the day - and often the only time we really talk and connect.
The post No Time for Family Dinner? appeared first on Sunshine Parenting.
The Conflict Resolution Wheel I’ve always considered myself non-confrontational and I do my best to avoid conflict. In researching ways to teach kids conflict resolution skills, I’ve discovered that avoidance is actually a choice on the "Conflict Resolution Wheel." I’m primarily a “walk away” or “go play with somebody else” conflict resolver.
And, perhaps because I try to “use kind words and a friendly voice” most of the time, I’m able to steer clear of many conflict situations. I know that my technique is not always the best way to resolve conflicts, nor has it worked in every situation, so I’ve learned to “talk together & work it out” with people in my life who are important to me. Because people aren’t perfect and relationships are messy, we all need to learn how to better resolve conflicts.
What kind of conflict resolver are you? What about your kids? How do they resolve conflicts? Over my three decades at camp working with thousands of kids and teens, I’ve noticed that kids have become less and less adept at solving their own problems and conflicts. They are quick to involve adults and call other kids names (“bully” is a favorite).
I think kids have become so accustomed to constant adult supervision that they are prone to seek it immediately, especially when they’re in an uncomfortable situation. There’s nothing wrong with seeking direction, especially when adult intervention is needed, but I want to be sure our counselors are armed with good skills for giving campers guidance on conflict resolution, rather than just providing kids with the solution itself.
All too often, we parents tend to rescue our kids from conflict; at camp, kids have a great opportunity to learn to solve such challenges on their own. One of our goals, then, is to prepare counselors to teach campers conflict resolution strategies, which the kids can use in similar situations at home (like with their siblings!).
5 Steps to Help Kids Resolve Conflicts CALM DOWN Give everyone a chance to take a breather from each other. Ask them each what they need to do to calm down. The “wheel” offers some good choices, like walking away and taking a break for a few minutes, counting to 10 (or 100!), or writing down some feelings. In any case, nothing coherent will come from trying to lead a discussion with upset, emotionally fragile kids. So ask them to figure out the best way to calm down before attempting to solve the problem.
Read more in 10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down.
Learn about Breathing Beads in this Episode of the Sunshine Parenting Podcast (my interview with Signe Whitson about her book, Parenting the Challenging Child.
STATE & UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM Once calm has prevailed, talk to each child (either together or separately, depending on the circumstances) and help them state their problem. Stress the importance of being honest and admitting their role in the conflict (most problems are shared). Encourage them to use “I” statements to express their feelings. For example, “I felt left out and hurt because he wouldn’t let me play the card game, so I threw his towel to annoy him.”
Read more in 5 Steps to Raising a Problem Solver.
APOLOGIZE WELL “A good apology will communicate three things: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Apologizing for a mistake might seem difficult, but it will help you repair and improve your relationships with others.” http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize
Encourage each child (or only one, depending on the circumstances) to come up with a good apology. Writing it down before they say it can be a good start, and that letter can be given to the child with whom they’re in conflict. Or, with a younger child, take some notes that they can then use as they apologize. I found a great list of what makes a “good apology,” so it’s best if the child can include all of these parts:
• Use the words, "I’m sorry."
• Acknowledge exactly how you messed up. (As in, “I used unkind words that hurt you.”)• Tell the person how you’ll fix the situation.• Promise to behave better next time.• Ask for forgiveness.
Bad apologies, on the other hand, tend to suffer from these four shortcomings: Justifying words or behavior; Blaming the victim; Making excuses; Minimizing the consequences. (“It was just a joke!”)
Read more in More Than "I'm Sorry."
PROMOTE SOLUTION FINDING Empower children to brainstorm solutions to their conflict. It’s so tempting as an all-knowing adult to generate solutions, but something the kids think up and agree upon on their own will more likely work. Encourage each child to listen carefully and to accurately paraphrase each other. Encourage them to speak to each other (not you) and to speak honestly and kindly.
Read more in What are you going to do?
FOLLOW UP Follow up with the children to see how they are getting along and if the solution they came up with is working. But if the “talk together/work it out” strategy isn’t working for this pair, it’s best to suggest my go-to strategy: find someone else to hang out with. Even if the kids appear to need a prolonged break from one another, they will still be required to speak in a kind and respectful way when they are interacting.
As I wrote this post, I realized that any time I used the word “kid” or “child,” I could easily have used the word “person.” Learning these conflict resolution techniques, and even using the “wheel” and its options, could help a lot of us adults, don’t you think?
Related Sunshine Parenting Podcast Episodes & Posts Ep. 66: Is it Rude? Is it Mean? or Is it Bullying?
Ep. 2: 10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
Ep. 60: The Importance of Outdoor, Child-Directed Free Play
Ep. 45: Social Media Wellness with Ana Homayoun
Why Kids Need to Get Uncomfortable
5 Steps to Raising a Problem Solver
10 Friendship Skills Every Kid Needs
More Than "I'm Sorry" - Teaching Kids to Apologize Well
10 Ways to Teach Kids to Calm Down
Making Friends: 3 Communication Skills Your Child Needs
And some other fun resources & links P.S. I didn’t have anywhere to fit this in the post, but I just loved this “How Big is My Problem” poster, which you can order through Teachers Pay Teachers. How often do kids (and adults) communicate a “glitch” or “little problem” as if it’s a “gigantic problem” or an “emergency”? Wouldn’t it be great if we all agreed to keep the same problem scale? We could walk into our co-worker’s office and say, “I’ve got #2 problem today. Can you help me?”
Before I had kids, there were several things I said I would never let my kids do. Once I was actually a parent, however, many of the “nevers” evaporated in the reality of my day-to-day parenting challenges. My kids did occasionally end up sleeping in my bed, eating fast food, and watching too many cartoons instead of…
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