Safety in Seattle News: Recent Episodes
Joanne Factor of Strategic Living
Looking at local, national and international news with a focus on women's personal security, self-defense and social safety issues.
Today's Google Doodle commemorates the 388th birthday of French author Charles Perrault. He wrote (based on folk tales) some of today's widely-read, widely-watched, and widely-merchandised classic fairly tales, including Little Red Riding Hood. Today's versions of the tales, however, have been sanitized to make them more family-friendly (and marketable). As this article notes:
"His version of Little Red Riding Hood, for example, made it more explicitly obvious that the 'wolf' is a man intent on preying on young girls who wander alone in woods.
"From this story one learns that children, especially young lasses, pretty, courteous and well-bred, do very wrong to listen to strangers, And it is not an unheard thing if the Wolf is thereby provided with his dinner," he wrote.
"I say Wolf, for all wolves are not of the same sort; there is one kind with an amenable disposition – neither noisy, nor hateful, nor angry, but tame, obliging and gentle, following the young maids in the streets, even into their homes. Alas! Who does not know that these gentle wolves are of all such creatures the most dangerous!"
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/google/google-doodle/12093512/Who-was-Charles-Perrault-Why-the-fairy-tales-you-know-may-not-be-as-they-seem.htmlSome things haven't changed much in the last 400 years. Most people still envision those who mean harm as looking like monsters. Pretty easy to spot, right?
If all "bad guys" were this obvious, there wouldn't be as much of a problem evading them, right? But, alas, not all those who mean harm look like scary monsters. Most, in fact, look like regular people. Just like the three photos below, all of whom are Ted Bundy. (If you don't know about Ted Bundy by now, do a web search.)
I could have told you the fellow depicted was an actor, a tech startup CEO, an attorney, or just any regular joe.You don't have to be a famous serial killer/rapist to get away with crimes. Most perpetrators are someone the target knows, and to some extent likes and trusts. That's a deliberate ploy. Most perpetrators depend on their targets' trust, and manipulate it to their advantage.And they rely on silence. Not only the silence of their victims, but silence of those around them. Silence of those who think they're a "nice guy." (Bundy got away with his crimes longer than he should have because he was well regarded by a number of influential people.) This is why we spend time in our self-defense classes learning to recognize the "red flags" that a person's intent may not be good for you. I've heard from some students, in retrospect, that this turned out to be the most valuable and useful part of class.Because not all monsters look like wolves.
I'd have a few concerns. But I'm not a mom of a girl going away to school, I just teach personal safety skills to girls whose moms are concerned as their girls are growing into independence.
Recent headlines tell us about a young man at one of America's elite prep schools who engaged in the school tradition of "senior salute." How that particular encounter turned into non-consensual sex and a rape charge. The young man was convicted by a jury of one count of using the internet to have sex with a child, and three counts of misdeameanor sexual assault and child endangerment. He was acquitted of the more serious charges of felony rape.
According to CNN's legal analyst Sunny Hostin, "the jury did not appear to believe the former prep school student's claim that there was no intercourse, but it also seemed to dismiss his accuser's testimony that it was against her will."
My focus, as a self-defense teacher, is less on the legal issues and more on what we're teaching girls, explicitly as well as implicitly.
This article from the New York Times details the young woman's testimony. She describes a mixture of emotions during and after the assault -- of politeness and pain, then secrecy versus standing up for herself.
“I didn’t want to come off as an inexperienced little girl,” she said. “I didn’t want him to laugh at me. I didn’t want to offend him.”
Afterward, she said, she felt physical pain and utter confusion, and blamed herself for the events; it took several days for her to tell anyone, in full, what happened.
“I feel like I had objected as much as I felt I could at the time. And other than that I felt so powerless,” she said, adding, “I was telling myself, ‘O.K., that was the right thing to do, you were being respectful.’ ”
This girl's feelings of powerlessness are common among teens in this sort of situation. Girls encounter a host of contradictory messages. They should be polite, nice, and certainly not rude -- while at the same time keeping themselves safe.I believe respect is a very important social grace, and it should not trump safety. My concerns include:* The jury's verdict indicates that many adults still don't believe girls could be telling the truth about rape. These jury members are also community members, and could very well be among those from whom a girl seeks advice and help. * The girl not being aware of other tools at her disposal to discourage and perhaps prevent the rape. * The girl's feelings of powerlessness over her own body. As noted sexual health educator Amy Lang says, she should be the boss of her body.
Not only should any girl expect to have her "no" respected, she should have other options in case it is not. That's what I teach, and in self-defense classes we practice skills when unfortunately "no" isn't enough.
I'm not a football fan. But, because I'm not a supporter of domestic violence, I was glad to hear that both Seahawks coach Pete Carroll and manager John Schneider avowed they would never allow an abuser to play for them.
Yet here we are today, being asked by the Seahawks' new draft pick, Frank Clark, to have faith in him.
The selection of Clark as a Seahawks draft choice is dogged by charges that he struck his girlfriend, Diamond Hurt. They got into a fight in a hotel, someone called the police, the officer determined there had been some physical violence and was obliged to arrest Clark. Larry Stone's article in The Seattle Times lays out more of the evidence and issues, and you should take a look at that.
One quote from Stone's article bears special notice. He cites John Schneider as saying, “I would say there are always two sides to a story. You have to go through the whole thing. You can’t just go with one police report. You have to talk to everybody involved. Everybody.” Stone also notes that they did not talk to Diamond Hurt. So much for everyone?
[Update Tuesday May 5: A subsequent article in today's Seattle Times revealed that those Seahawk representatives charged with investigating this incident in fact did not talk to any witnesses, of which there were several. Except for Frank Clark.]
That is not surprising, as another article noted that Hurt didn't want to press charges. She may have not wanted to harm Clark's nascent football career, especially in light of the Ray Rice publicity. A very common response in abusive relationships.
Again, I don't know much about football. But I do know something about abusive relationships and why they exist. Abusers too often continue to abuse because they can. It is a learned behavior, it gets them what they want, and there are often few if any meaningful consequences for them. That's because often people around them make choices that help minimize and mask the "not-so-bad" behavior."
Renowned psychologist Paul Ekman has written, in his book Telling Lies, that intelligent people can sometimes fail to see blatant untruths because they have a vested interest in believing the lie, in "collusively helping to maintain the lie, to avoid the terrible consequences of uncovering the lie."
It can be easy to minimize abuse when the abuser is someone you like, or you think can perform well for your organization. It can be easy to minimize a police report when that certain someone has skills you want to exploit. Domestic violence is perpetuated not only by those doing the hitting, but by those with a vested interest in other aspects of the abusers' lives. By those well-meaning ancillary enablers who want to give some a second (or third? fourth? fifth?) chance, but up teaching that abusers can get away with a LOT of bad behavior before suffering serious consequences.
We will probably never know for sure what happened that evening. In general, however, by the time a relationship gets to physical violence, there's been a lot of power and control and manipulation happening. And physical violence in a relationship, once it begins, happens again, and again. As a self-defense teacher, my suggestion to students is to recognize the relationship for what it is, and plan how to keep themselves safer.
Going forward could be challenging. The first step I’d like to see is Carroll, Schneider, and the Seahawks as an organization express accountability for their decision to draft a player who, by witness accounts, did hit his then-girlfriend. I’d like to see them own up to not really interviewing “everybody.” Second, I’d like to see them discuss how to hold Clark accountable going forward. Finally, I’d like to see Clark take seriously being accountable for his behavior, which would involve being publicly honest about that evening’s events. Because, whether or not I follow football, my community is affected by prominent public figures publicly deny abusive behavior.
I resisted watching this video for a couple of months. Really, the first few moments of music made me want to hunker down with a glass of wine to go with the cheese. I caved in only because a class of high school girls wanted to dissect it. And, as I watched, the overly cute morphed into creepy.
You may have seen it — this video was all over my Facebook feed earlier this year.
“Slap Her.” The one in Italian with boys ages 7 to 11. An off-camera interviewer asks them a few preliminary questions, to prove they’re just regular joes (but smaller, and cute). Name and age. What do you want to be when you grow up, and why? (Firefighter, baker, pizza maker — because they want to help people, make messes, like pizza. Regular li’l joes.)
Next they are introduced to a girl. Martina bounds into the frame. Taller than the boys, looking more like a tween than little girl, Martina may be 11 or 13 years old. A bit of makeup is balanced by the braces on her teeth.
One more question is directed to the boys: What do you like about her? Various answers, all on appearance (well, they don’t know anything else about her since she hasn’t said or done anything, what else could they say? other than uhhhhh . . .). Her hands, eyes, shoes, hair, . . . everything. She is a pretty girl.
Enough with the questions. On to commands. The voice behind the camera tells them to caress her. Then to make funny faces at her. The boys comply, with varying degrees of awkwardness.
The final command: to slap her. The cheesy music stops. They boys look at the camera. They seem not sure they really heard correctly. They look at her, look at the camera, look at the camera some more. They refuse. And the cheesy music resumes, with the addition of a string orchestra swelling in the background.
The boys give various reasons. Because we’re not supposed to hit girls (not even with a flower). Because she’s pretty. Because hitting is bad. Because Jesus said so. Because he’s against violence. Because he’s a man.
Fade to text scrolling on the screen: In the kids’ world women don’t get hit.
I really wanted to get sucked into the cuteness. But I could not, even when accompanied by a glass of red rhone. The “creepy” factor just overtook the “cute.” Let’s count the ways:
1. Martina doesn’t talk. She giggles, behind her hand, at some point. She is portrayed more as a Disney automaton (an object) than a real person.
2. Martina is an object labeled “girl.” The boys are asked what they like about her after having first met her. What can they say, really? Is the interviewer leading the boys to believe that the only parts worth assessing are what’s visible? That’s annoying.
3. The really creepy part for me began when the interviewer told the boys to caress her. Huh? How about ASKING HER? With all the media coverage these past months about “consent,” this stands out in an out-of-touch way.
4. So by the time it got to “slap her,” I was past annoyed. The cheese was spread thick, and no wine was cutting through that stinky layer.
But we all know that in the real world, women and girls (and boys and men, and transgender and questioning) do get hit. Is the question we’re left to ponder how that happens? What transpires between the magic of childhood and the mundanity of adulthood to make violence okay? I think the structure of the video makes that clear: both boys and girls got pigeonholed in very hetero-normative boxes, where girls are pretty objects (for boys) and not to be hit, and boys are active agents.
The whole point of learning self-defense skills is NOT to beat up others, nor to lock yourself in an apartment cell to keep harm at bay, nor even to set up invisible impenetrable boundaries. You learn self-defense so you can go out and meet others and travel and study and go to parties and gatherings and meet other people and make friends. You get to pick your wine as well as the cheese, or decide whether or not you want either. You learn skills so you can be happy and successful and expand the scope of your activities.
So you are an active agent in your life. Anything less is cheating on yourself.
Postscripts:
While this has the look and feel of a PSA, it is not. This video refers viewers to Fanpage.it, is an Italian news company (too bad I don’t know if this news company is more like the New York Times or the National Enquirer). No references to domestic or dating violence resources are provided at the end, which diminishes the value of the video.
Here are a few other YouTube comments on this viral video.
• Sad that the NFL has become so susceptible to parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNPfT0-Ss3g
• Kids React had these American children watch and comment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar20hv0rpBM (Lucas’ reaction to why abuse happens: They are dumb) These kids were also asked would girls hit boys, and some believed yes.
• While in India, girls were asked to slap boys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Np4xpXYV1rE
One student told me that when a guy on the street bumped into her friend -- she's sure deliberately -- the friend apologized right away and asked the guy if he was OK. I had to stop the story to make sure I heard it right. So this guy, on purpose, almost knocked her over and SHE said sorry? Yup, I heard it right.Apologies carry a complicated burden. A heartfelt apology can mend fences and relationships. A sincere apology can save face and begin to heal hearts. An inauthentic apology can infuriate the receiver. And a social apology can superficially appease others and make you seem more likeable -- really?I began to consider apologies after reading this article, where author Lindsay King-Miller describes how offering apologies has totally transformed how others relate to her. Got some pithy quotes, too:
"So these days I apologize a lot. Everyone tells me all the time that I don't need to, that I have nothing to be sorry for, that I shouldn't be so insecure, but in between they tell me how likable I am. How personable. How pleasant. How I set people at ease.
"Apologizing is a survival skill in a society where women are penalized, personally and professionally, for being abrasive, for speaking their minds, for not smoothing their sharp edges down, for not fitting in. Apologizing is a way of saying I know I'm smart but I don't mean to be. I know I take up space but I'm trying not to. I want you to like me more than I want to be right.These are things the world demands from women. If you don't provide them, it punishes you. Before I started apologizing I heard all the time, secondhand, that people hated me. That this girl or that girl thought I was a bitch. That I was too aggressive and guys were scared of me. I never hear that anymore.
"People tell me that higher self-esteem would help me apologize less. I think No, you don't understand. I have to apologize because I can't let people know how awesome I actually think I am. The world is not kind to women who love themselves as much as I do -- certainly not fat, queer, socially awkward girls. I am not supposed to have confidence. I am not supposed to think my opinions matter."
Personally, I had never thought of apologizing for my opinions as a way to make others comfortable. I despise the idea that anyone would expect me to express regret for being smart or projecting confidence. But it happens, and consequences happen. King-Miller describes her younger self as brash, confrontational, emotionally needy, and sensitive. She says she hated how people would shut her out to not deal with her intensity and neediness. At some point, when in her 20s, she found herself apologizing for all the crying, saying that she was over-sensitive, it was no big deal. And she found that was acceptable. And people liked her better. I do not know King-Miller. I've never met her, and only know what she says about herself in this one article. But I do know intelligent, articulate, and opinionated women -- who I would not characterize as brash, confrontational and emotionally needy -- who were too readily dismissed as abrasive when they spoke uncomfortable truths (and most truths will make someone uncomfortable). Assertive women can get labeled aggressive. And there's a small yet vocal group of trolls who are eagerly watching to pull off-balance any women who dare to "lean in." I don't believe that women's only two options are to blurt bluntly or cower contritely. Yes it takes some art and energy coming up with more appropriate and effective ways of expressing myself. I accept the fact that there always will be individuals who just will not like what I have to say, regardless of how I couch it. And I am a native New Yorker, so there are limits on how much I'm willing to care about others' opinions. But the article did get me thinking about how saying sorry can be used to stay safe. Yes, the apology can be a self-defense strategy. It can be a tool of camouflage, of distraction, of social disguise. It has a VERY big role as a de-escalation tactic. In rare instances you have to chose between being right (and maybe physically hurt) and emotionally available (which may manifest as sympathetic, empathetic, or apologetic). When you make safety your priority, learning the art of apology can pay off. That's good self-care, an essential component of your toolkit.To make the choice that best suits your goals, you want to have all options at your disposal. When you have to take out your self-defense toolkit -- whether physical or verbal or emotional responses are called for -- recognize that sometimes your choices are between bad and worse. Do you want to pick your best response, or will you let someone else will decide for you?
Today our thoughts are with the Seattle Pacific University community. Deepest condolences to the family and friends of the young man taken too soon. Wishing a quick and complete recovery to all those injured. And much thanks to SPU student Jon Meis, whose initiative and courage stopped the shooter and certainly saved lives.
Mr. Meis apparently saw the opportunity and stepped in quickly. Many others would have paused too long, wondering if this was a real break and how long it would last and would they really have enough time . . . you know that old cliche about he who hesitates.
KUOW-FM broadcast an interview with Greg Crane, president and founder of Alert Lockdown Inform Counter Evacuate (ALICE). They were discussing what to do if faced with an active shooter. Mr. Crane says the best practices are pro-active. Know what you can do, and practice. Noise, movement, distance, and distraction all can slow down a shooter. It's when someone takes charge that lives are saved, quotes interviewer Marcie Sillman.
How can you prepare yourself, just in case? Start by listening to the interview, and you should get some good ideas.
Seattle's Fight the Fear Campaign (FtFC) is a community-oriented violence-prevention initiative. FtFC provides free training in basic self-defense to those who cannot afford them. Funded by Brandi Carlile's Looking Out Foundation, the goal is to make awareness, de-escalation, boundary-setting, assertive communication, and fighting techniques available to as many people as possible.
Strategic Living, LLC, is proud to be among the trainers asked to participate. We have six classes on this summer's calendar for teen girls open to the public: two are for girls ages 12-13, two for girls ages 14, 15, and two for girls ages 16 and up. You can see more info and register online at our Fight the Fear page.
FtFC's mission is to make self-defense training easily accessible because the skills and confidence that it builds are a proved deterrent to violence. All classes are run by experienced instructors who tailor each workshop to serve the specific, focused needs of each group.
You can find out more about other classes and programs at the FtFC website.
We've all seen them. Decals, generally on minivans, showing stick figures representing family members. Or sometimes representing parodies of family members. Or a T Rex snacking on family members . . .
Some people like them, some are annoyed, most probably don't care one way or the other.
But do pedophiles care? Will the decal draw the criminal element to your family? Some people believe so.
Even a few police departments are warning about having these decals on your vehicle.
However, there is one little issue. There are no cases cited where a perpetrator gleaned personal information from stick figures and used it to commit a crime.
As a self-defense instructor, I have a short list of "rules" I check before giving safety recommendations to students. Rule #1 is that any piece of safety advice has to be based on evidence. There has to be some proof that this reduces violence in the real world, not just as a hypothetical in the world between someone's ears. No matter how logical or reasonable it may seem, if it does not exist in reality it does not get forwarded.
This suggestion that stick figure family decals can attract bad guys fails to meet that standard.
This piece of advice also ignores the substantiated fact that most predators who go after children are people already known to the family and do not need any decals to inform them. You're better off learning how to assess the real people in your children's lives.
Students who have taken my six-week self-defense course for women already know this: the rate of violence has been in decline for the past couple of decades.
But that was not at all obvious a couple of decades ago. In fact, the early 1990s saw a spike in youth violence. Some experts were predicting the worst was yet to come, and felt they needed to deploy hyperbole on what they saw as the inevitable. The term "superpredator" was coined by political scientist John DiIulio to describe teens who were increasingly violent. These teens were supposed to unleash chaos upon our fair Gothams.
It never happened.
Almost as if on cue, after these predictions hit the mass media, the crime rate began dropping. And dropping. And dropping. Today's rates of violence are at record lows.
(if the embedded video is not visible here, go here.)
However, hyperbole won out over fact. Punitive punishments and harsher penalties for juveniles became the law. Panicky policy repercussions from that era have lingered a long while.
When you consider your personal safety risks, what do you value? How do you distinguish the hype from the fact? Predicting the future will never be easy, but you can do better when you winnow out the alarminst labels and recognize the "dog whistles" for what they are.
In local news, some residents of Seattle's Capitol Hill are getting fed up with street assaults. According to this article in The Seattle Times, a new neighborhood watch group is in the works. Dubbed "OutWatch" and modeled after Q-Patrol in the early 1990s (which was modeled after NYC's Guardian Angels of an earlier decade), the current plan seems to have patrols consisting of 4 persons. Initially, at least 2 of the 4 are supposed to have self-defense training.
[Which is all very nice, except that self-defense may or may not be what they need. I sure hope their self-defense training included de-escalation training and bystander intervention, which are more valuable skills for this endeavor. I hope they are also planning on background checks for all volunteers.]
According to the article, it seems the patrols' primary aim is to escort people safely to their cars, homes, or other safe place. This should be useful -- after all, the police do advise us to keep with a group to reduce risk of assault. Simply having a presence can also remind us to keep safety and awareness of our surroundings in mind, as well as send a message that people are watching and won't put up with violence in their community.
I wish them luck organizing and sustaining this project.
My friend Kinny (you likely met her if you took some of my self-defense classes, as she often assists) is an inveterate newspaper reader, and just could not let Jerry Large's column in this week's The Seattle Times pass by without comment.
I'll let her tell it.
Jerry Large's column touched on ethics and values in sports. All well and good until he wound it up with this:
"I couldn’t escape from real issues through sports that day, so I turned to other entertainment and settled in with my wife (who looks askance at football) to watch an episode of “Downton Abbey.” There’s entertainment for someone with strong Seattle values — the good old days, when aristocrats dressed formally for dinner and of course always behaved perfectly, never raising their voices, even to chide the loyal servants scurrying about their feet." (Full column: http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2022731774_jdlcolumn23xml.html)
This sounds like vanilla unless you've actually been watching "Downton" lately. A current storyline involves rape.
So I emailed him the following:
Hi Jerry,
I watched both the Seahawks game and "Downton Abbey" on Sunday, and after reading your column today I can't quite believe you did as well. One of the current "Downton" storylines involves the shocking, brutal rape of Anna the lady's maid and its horrific effect on her and those she loves.
Rape is a crime and it is NOT part of our "strong Seattle values."
Football players and fans consent to play and watch the game. Consent – by definition – is not part of rape. Its inclusion in an entertainment program is an ethical question worth as much, if not more consideration than problems in sports. Please ask your wife about the current "Downton" episodes. Though you may have been in the room with her, in my head you were paying a lot more attention to the Sunday funnies or Facebook than the TV. Or maybe you actually were hanging out in the kitchen for most of the program. I don't want to believe you were oblivious.
The football game was a lot less jarring. I loved Richard Sherman's emotional, adrenaline-fueled and completely genuine rant. A little honest trash talk (that wasn't even bleep-worthy) for once, instead of the usual boring platitudes, turns the world upside-down?
Rape: crime. Football: game.
Sincerely,
Roseanne Kimlinger
What did you do today to challenge rape culture?
Seattle's Northwest Network is now offering a series of free webinars on various topics related to domestic violence and beyond. I participated in the first one, which was a powerful combination of basic DV education and empowerment model advocacy.
What is "beyond DV?" Why, healthy relationships, of course! It's not sufficient to not be in an abusive relationship, right? I can't speak for you, but I want my relationships to be fun and fulfilling. How about you?
NW Network also has a library of on-demand webinars that are directly relevant to any self-defense instructor — among the topics are strangulation injuries, and intimate partner stalkers, and battered women charged with crimes. Not exactly light viewing, but highly educational.
http://nwnetwork.org/news-and-events/
From their website: Founded in 1987 by lesbian survivors of battering, the NW Network works to end abuse in our diverse lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans communities. As an organization founded by and for LGBT survivors, we’re deeply committed to fostering the empowerment of all survivors of abuse. The NW Network increases our communities’ ability to support the self-determination and safety of bisexual, transgendered, lesbian and gay survivors of abuse through education, organizing and advocacy. We work within a broad liberation movement dedicated to social and economic justice, equality and respect for all people and the creation of loving, inclusive and accountable communities.
Here are a smattering of #selfdefensesuccess stories that have across my screen these last couple of weeks.
Important to remember: I'll bet none of these women ever took a "self-defense" class (though at least one had military training). The two most critical factors in successful self-defense are (1) the belief that it can be done, and (2) trying one tool after another until something works.
From Louisiana, a 72 year old woman routes armed attacker with nothing but her steely instincts and a fire extinguisher. Woman's son later describes his mom as "a pretty strong old fart." Yeah, that's how I'd have described my mom too. http://www.dailycomet.com/article/20131231/ARTICLES/131239885/1320?p=1&tc=pg#gsc.tab=0
Now going north to Ohio: woman uses voice, attracts bystander attention. Bystanders call police. Police arrive in time to see the woman running out of the house, followed by man with knife. Man is subdued and arrested! http://www.springfieldnewssun.com/news/news/police-man-attempted-to-rape-woman/ncZbw/
Some self-defense stories are more graphic than are others. This one is graphic. Let's jump across the globe, to Bangladesh. In this instance, a woman fights back against an acquaintance by cutting off his penis and bringing it to the police. http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/woman-cuts-penis-man-attempting-rape-her The wanna-be rapist then claimed that he was the real victim, because they had been having an affair, he refused to leave his wife and children and move with her to another city. So, he claims, she cut off his penis and is pressing rape charges to retaliate. This attempt to deflect responsibility is a common tactic among rapists.
And now back to the glorious Puget Sound, the last one for today is from former student "E" who relates a self-defense success years earlier:
"When I was a young college student, I often passed through New York City to get from my parents' home to my college in upstate New York. On one such visit, I was walking down a street and felt like I was being followed. I made the decision to act irrationally: singing to myself, walking with a twitch/jerking motions. I tried to act like a mentally unstable person. After a while, the man stopped following me, and I'm certain that if I hadn't, I would have been attacked."
Do you have a story to share? Contact me!
Do you want to learn some of these skills that proved successful for others? A plethora of six week Self-Defense 101 for Women courses are about to begin in the next week. Visit the page and register today.
OK, not exactly "fishing."
Teach anyone any skill set, and she can use it for her own benefit. However, she is also likely to use her skills to benefit her family and community.
Teach a woman self-defense skills, and she can not only defend herself (and those she cares about) she will probably teach others around her those skills. Before you know it, she will be demanding self-determination. She will demand to be an active participant in her life and in society.
So not only will she be safer, her community will be safer.
Friend and fellow martial artist Jan Parker has been teaching a long time; she was already a master teacher when I was a mere novice two decades ago. She's seen and heard more than a few wacky reactions when strangers and acquaintances find out what she does. And she just blogged about one such instance at a friend's party years ago. The perennial question that most martial artists invariably encounter. Here's an excerpt:
. . . [A] young man heard from someone else that I was a martial artist. Boldly, he came up to me to make sure what he heard was true. “So, you’re a martial artist?” I nodded, noticing the drink in his hand. He continued, “Soooooo . . . What would you do if I just hauled off and hit you in the face?”
Before you read on, what do you think her reply was?
Might she have said, "Yeah sure, I'd like to see you try"? Or how about "I'd hit you back harder"? Would she call him an ignorant jerk of an a$$hole? Perhaps she would have jumped straight up in the air and, Bruce Lee-style, executed a perfect flying side kick right into his nose!
Her response:
“I would charge you with assault. What do you think I would do?” “For crying out loud,” I said, “we’re at a party, why in the world would you hit me in the face?”
Surprised, at my answer, he walked away.
She called that a success story. And so do I. She assessed his intent, decided this silliness was not a situation to escalate, and gave a response he was so totally not expecting. Perfectly disarming self-defense.
Of course you can read Jan's re-telling on her blog JanJimJam.org. Jan Parker, you rock!
I don't care if this is over 3 years old, it's still funny. Ellen DeGeneres learns some basic self-defense moves, just in case she finds herself in another dancing situation. Good for her being proactive about her personal safety in front of all those cameras and audiences!
If you can't see the above video on your device, watch it directly on YouTube.
Hey -- you want to practice those moves? You can here! (Chris Matthews dummy not included.)
Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy, and fulfilling 2014!
Another little ditty to herald in the new year. Again, written, performed and recorded by Kinny "Special" K. Post-production by moi.
Remember, to be your most fulfilled and awesome self, you will need to occasionally set some boundaries. Most of the time, the other person will not have realized they crossed the line and will apologize. They mean well, they like and value you, and did not mean to offend you.
However, on rare occasion you will encounter someone who does mean harm. And for those special occasions, you will be ready to enforce your boundaries.
Happy New Year!
PS - is one of your resolutions to finally take that self-defense class you've always wanted to sign up for? Now is a good year.
This afternoon I taught a class for tween girls (and a mom or two), and afterwards one mom and I were talking about this "blaming the victim" of rape nonsense. She mentioned that one of her friends, many years ago, was raped right after her high school graduation. The girls was at home in bed, and a robber with a gun broke into the house. He raped her. The police later asked her what she was wearing.
I remembered a speaker from the 2011 Seattle SlutWalk with the same story. I asked if the women spoke at SlutWalk and the mom said yes. Got the speaker's name, found her on YouTube, and here she is, just as I remembered.
If you do not see a video here, or it is not playable on your device, you can view it directly on YouTube.
And the most important takeaway is that she was raped because a rapist made a choice to commit rape. True then, true now. True always.
Once again, ripped from the headlines (actually, more often inside pages) from the web. These are all stories of women and girls successfully using safety skills.
This first one is from West Seattle, where a high school girl fights back against a dude who grabs her. She breaks free, runs to safety, and calls 911. Way to go! From King 5 News: http://www.king5.com/news/cities/seattle/Teenage-girl-grabbed-by-man-near-West-Seattle-High-School-235301801.html
How about this one, from our neighbor to the south (that's Portland, OR). A guy demands a Portland State University student's backpack and punches her. She turns and punches him back, and he goes running! From KXL FM News Radio: http://kxl.com/2013/12/12/female-student-hit-in-the-face-fights-off-attacker/
Now from South Carolina, where this guy picked the wrong target. What he did not know was she's trained in martial arts. Whoopsie! She fights back, and again he goes running (do you see the pattern here?). http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/animal-rights/man-attacks-woman-walking-small-dog-myrtle-beach-she-has-black-belt-fight (Pssssst -- you don't need a black belt to fight back like she did -- you can learn the same techniques in Week 3 of Strategic Living's 6 week self-defense course.)
Let's jump across the Atlantic for this story out of the United Kingdom. Woman kicks guy in crotch, and he runs away. http://www.newmarketjournal.co.uk/news/latest-news/woman-38-fights-off-mobile-phone-thief-1-5757252. Almost surprised he was able to still run.
And, finally, we return to the greater Seattle area. Woman fights off attacker on a popular trail in the middle of the afternoon. She was attacked from behind, and she escaped by fighting back. http://q13fox.com/2013/12/19/woman-reports-assault-on-north-creek-regional-trail-in-bothell/#axzz2o2Fx8aC6.
Did you see a story in the news, or want to share one of your own? Contact me!
Christmas is almost upon us, and what can be more cheery and bright than a rousing, empowering self-defense Christmas carol?
Wanna hear it? Play now.
Feel free to share, and please give credit where it is due. Written, performed, and recorded by Kinny at Strategic Living, LLC.
Now is also a good time to plan for the coming year -- the first of this winter's six-week courses will begin Tuesday, January 7, at Phinney Neighborhood Center. There's room for about 4 more students. Find out more at Strategic Living's Self-Defense 101 page. Today.
One of the first things I do Sunday morning is sit down with the Sunday comics and a mug of coffee. Most of the time it is pure leisure. This week I found two timely toons. One, unsurprisingly, is Doonesbury on the reporting of sexual assault in the military through the chain of command -- and why it remains a bad idea.
(http://doonesbury.slate.com/strip/archive/2013/12/8)
The next was a surprise. It's a strip called Baby Blues, and it's about a family with small children. The dad was teaching his son about field goals, and recollects an older, very popular cartoon. Peanuts, as you probably know, would often feature Lucy holding a football for Charlie Brown, and yanking it away at the last minute. The dad in Baby Blues finds that hilarious. The son slumps inside, and tells his older sister that Dad finds bullying funny.
(http://www.babyblues.com/index.php, from Dec 8, 2013)
Considering the popularity and longevity of Peanuts, this felt like a jolt. But a "right on" kind of jolt, when some behavior you'd taken for granted even if uncomfortably gets a label and suddenly is more clear (even if it is cartoon characters).
I'm certainly not saying we should toss Peanuts in the trash, far from it! Everyone, at some point, feels like a Charlie Brown. And you may know a Lucy Van Pelt (I worked for one once, and I sure did feel like good ol' Charlie more than every so often back then). It's a reminder that there are callous folk out there who make promises and renege on them, for their own amusement.
And this was a comic. And it was funny and poignant. And some adults have a hard time recognizing bullying (unless they directly see the pain it causes to their own children, and even then not always). Because it was OK as in normal, typical, kids will be kids. They'll get over it.
Most will. Some won't.
How do you recount your past to the next generation?
I'm going to be posting every week or two a smattering of stories ripped from the headlines. They all will be on women or girls who were attacked and thwarted the evil-doer's dastardly plans. They all, preferably, will give some details on what the defender did that worked.
For this week, our first story is close to home (Seattle, that is). A young woman bit her attacker's hand, continued fighting, screamed for help, and ran for help. This story was in The Seattle Times, and you can read it at http://blogs.seattletimes.com/today/2013/11/young-woman-fights-off-attacker-in-south-seattle/http://blogs.seattletimes.com/today/2013/11/young-woman-fights-off-attacker-in-south-seattle/.
For our second story, we travel to our neighbors north, to Canada. In separate incidents on the same night, one guy attacked at least two women. Each woman did the same thing, according to the new story: screamed and fought him off until he fled. This one was apprehended by the police. You can read the Edmonton Sun article at http://www.edmontonsun.com/2013/11/27/two-19-year-old-women-fight-off-attacker-man-arrestedhttp://www.edmontonsun.com/2013/11/27/two-19-year-old-women-fight-off-attacker-man-arrested.
Our third story is from the other side of the Atlantic. A man attacked a young woman after she dropped her child off at school. This woman fought, kicking her attacker in the groin. And he fled. You can read the story in the Manchester Evening News at http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/pictured-sex-attacker-fought-woman-6350863.
And our final story is from our nation's capitol. A woman attacked while taking out her trash fights of attacker (good job on getting rid of the trash). You can read this brief story on the WTOP site at http://www.wtop.com/58/3515082/Capitol-Heights-woman-fights-off-attacker
If you come across any self-defense success stories, or have stories of your own you want to share, please contact me.
No, I am NOT advocating to my self-defense students that we consider this a viable self-defense weapon.
But self-defense does take on a different timbre in other locations. Such as Libya.
Souad Soltan, a congresswoman in Libya, carried a hand grenade for self-defense. It was found via metal detector as she entered Tripoli's City Hall for a meeting. It was confiscated. On her way out she asked for it back, claiming she needed it for self-defense. Her request was denied. I don't know if she's since replaced it with another, or with some other weapon.
Check out this article on why she's carrying that grenade.
There are several pros and cons for her choice. First, she's only got one chance to use it. It's blast is indiscriminate, so she or bystanders could also be injured. And it will only go as far as she can throw it. On the positive side, it seemed to fit well in her handbag, and it could take out a number of attackers at once (which probably was why this is her weapon of choice).
Your self-defense will look different in different places. Since the fall of long-time ruler Col. Quaddafi two years ago, civil protection has weakened. More people have access to weapons, and some are using those for harm. Anyone involved in politics is someone else's target. Your precautions under those circumstances not be as carefree as most of us in Seattle (where it is common to cross a street while staring down at your phone).
And carrying a concealed grenade is probably illegal in Washington State. So don't do it -- there are better options for you.
Alert reader Donna saw this article in Oprah's magazine. It recounts how one woman out jogging used the self-defense skills she had learned in a class long ago.
As I was reading October’s issue of “O” Magazine on a bright, sunny Seattle morning this weekend, I came across an article written by Kris who describes how the self-defense skills she had previously learned in a women’s self-defense class came in handy one dreadful day when she was almost raped. Fortunately, Kris had remembered the physical and verbal defense skills she had learned and put them to work when she was attacked. Physical self defense tactics are one of the most important skills a woman can learn.
You can read Kris' story online.
Kris recognized the reality of imminent physical harm, used decisive targets, and used her voice effectively. Kudos to Kris!
And thanks to Donna for sharing.
PS - do you want to learn what Kris knew? A new cycle of six week self-defense courses will be offered beginning this coming January. Can't spare 6 weeks? Try the five hour self-defense seminars -- next one is December 15.
Do you own a taser? Have you never used it, are considering not carrying it around any more, and are now wondering what to do with it?
Zap your veggies.
Today I heard on The Splendid Table that a scientist in Japan found that "stunned" potatoes are healthier for you. Apparently shocked potatoes produce more antioxidants.
You can hear it here too, it is the first 50 seconds of the program.
The scientists, however, used a low charge for up to half and hour. Not exactly what your stun gun was meant to do. You can read an article about it in the Daily Mail.
DISCLAIMER: I am NOT recommending you try this at home. And, if you do so, I bear no responsibility. Take a self-defense class instead.