Sane Split: Recent Episodes
AJ Jakubowska - Family Law Lawyer, Family Mediator & Parenting Coordinator
I am AJ Jakubowska - Family Law Lawyer, Family Mediator & Parenting Coordinator. I have worked in this field for over 28 years. Just like you, I am also human. I understand what can happen when relationships end. Lots of uncertainty, many different emotions coming in waves, questions swirling like confetti. Anger, disappointment, mistrust. Sometimes it may feel like it’s virtually impossible to stay sane. This podcast features my comments on various topics related to separation, and my interviews with other humans who help when relationships end – people who look after legal issues, who mediate, who look after hearts and minds, and the pocketbook too. What you will hear is not legal advice. These are dialogues primarily about the human aspect of separation. We try to stay away from legal lingo. It’s humans talking to humans. I hope that something you hear will help you navigate your way to a sane split. New episodes every two weeks.
There is no rule that says you can’t date soon after the separation but have you considered both the pros and the cons, of dating AND of going public with it? Interested in some pointers? - LISTEN
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If you are part of a family court case in Ontario, sooner or later you will participate in a Conference. They are a key tool in the system of Case Management. Are you about to attend one, and interested in learning more? - LISTEN.
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When separation happens, many parents think of their kids first, and how they will be affected. Some commence an epic fight without truly understanding why, and what they hope to accomplish. Some are misguided in doing so - not understanding what will actually make a difference before the court, for example. Interested in hearing some tips about addressing parenting issues the right way? - LISTEN.
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It’s human to want to support someone who is hurting - including in the context of a separation. Interested in some tips on helping but not causing harm? - LISTEN.
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Not all Family Mediators bill for their services the same way. You have many options when it comes to the choice of a mediator, and you can also find a billling arrangement for those services that suits you and your budget. Interested in learning more? - LISTEN.
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Not all lawyers bill for their services the same way. Your financial relationship with your lawyer is important - you should ask as many questions about it as possible, before you hire someone. You are making a financial committment - hiring a member of your team - it’s important that you understand how that person will bill for their services, and how you will pay them - LISTEN.
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I hear this from many parents but some do not understand the law around their actual arrangements - sharing the kids - and the legal consequences to them and their children. Interested in learning more? - LISTEN.
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When it comes to support (in Canada) not every dollar in your hand is actually a dollar available to spend. Why? Because some support is taxable in the hands of the recipient. Wondering whether the support you receive would be treated this way? LISTEN!
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Many people are confused when it comes to terms like custody, decision-making, access and parenting time. What does each mean? And then, there is parallel parenting……I discuss all of these terms in this episode of the podcast.
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Many people think: income is just income, right? If it’s good enough for CRA, it’s good enough for family court - but is it? In this episode, I provide an overview of “income” in family law.
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Child support is the second most asked-about topic in family law - and I say that as both a family law lawyer and family mediator. On this episode, I tackle the three questions I am asked most often.
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You get yet another text from the other parent, the fifth text today, and by this time you are about to lose your mind. Very little about your kid - a lot about you and what a bad parent you apparently are. What do you do? I offer some tips.
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Wondering if this is a realist threat in Canada? Can one spouse stand in the way of the other’s wish to be divorced? Listen.
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Travel with children post-separation is a given - many separated parents understandably want to make new memories with kids - on trips and excursions. But it’s not always about what a parent wants. In this episode, I talk about the basics of travel in the context of separation - and how family courts approach this issue if separated parents cannot agree on a proposed trip.
LINK TO SAMPLE TRAVEL CONSENT LETTER
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There are many preconceptions in family law - one of them is that prenups or marriage contracts are always “a bad thing”. They spoil the romance, they introduce suspicion early on in the relationship and so on …..but are they always to be avoided? Listen to this episode if you are interested in learning more.
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Talking about COVID can be challenging, including for separated parents. In this episode, I offer some tips on when and how to broach the subject - with the goal of minimizing the potential for conflict.
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SANE SPLIT is taking a break, having completed Season 3. I will return with Season 4 in January, 2022!
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Oh yes, child support - I receive so, so many questions about it. Here is a primer - I discuss some very basic concepts about child support - to help you build a foundation for your knowledge in this area of family law. Once you know the basics, you will be better able to identify and further investigate issues specific to your circumstances.
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Much of the stress associated with separation comes from not knowing what is next, what steps are ahead and how to take them. The unknown can be downright scary. In this episode, I offer some tips on how to tackle feeling like you are walking on cracked ice.
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Are you thinking of comparing your separation to that of someone you know? Is it a co-worker, a neighbour? Or a friend of a friend of a friend? Are your cases actually similar? Are you sure? In this episode, I share my thoughts about such comparisons - how they might help you but also hurt you.
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The Separation Date is my topic on this episode of the podcast. What is it, when does it take place, who decides when it does, and is there such a thing as a legal separation. Many people have questions about this issue and I provide some answers. Listen!
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Family Mediation is my topic on this episode of the podcast, and I tackle the following, common questions about it:
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does the mediator make decisions for us?
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why spend money on mediation - why not go straight to court?
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who pays for mediation?
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how long with my mediation take?
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can I force the other side to come to mediation with me?
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In this episode of the podcast, I tackle the following, common questions about family law:
do support payments always have to go through the Family Responsibility Office?
can there be more than one matrimonial home?
at what age do children get to decide where they are going to live?
can we get a judge to speak to my child?
I made an offer to settle and the other side has not responded. Don’t they have to?
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SANE SPLIT is taking its second Summer Break and will be back on August 21, 2021.
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I am often asked: “What is Family Court really like?” Well, it’s quite unlike what we see on TV, for example: - in dramas, comedies and on “reality” shows. Remember Judge Judy? The diminutive Judge who nonetheless packed the punch of a small tornado, dispending justice while entertaining the viewers of her show at the same time? Family Court is not like that. Interested in hearing a bit more about the reality of family court in Ontario? Listen.
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Not all Ontarians can or want to retain a family law lawyer on a full-time basis but many still need help - with specific tasks, for example, to draft documents, to prepare for hearings, to help with calculations, to receive a bit of coaching for negotiations, or even to prepare for a mediation. Limited Scope Legal Services are a great alternative to a classic retainer. They allow the client and the lawyer to complete defined, specific tasks at an agreed to pace and price - giving more Ontarians access to justice - based on their needs and means.
Link to my interview with Janice Ho and Lucia Lam
Link to the Family Law Limited Scope Services Project
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In this episode, I share tips for preparing for your initial meeting with a family law lawyer - whether you are looking to retain someone for the first time or switching lawyers.
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This episode is an opportunity for me to talk about finding commonalities - areas of agreement in the context of family mediation - and about the process of building on them - brick by brick, to achieve ultimate resolution.
AND Happy First Birthday, SANE SPLIT Podcast!
Link to my Family Mediation website - here
Link to MettāBLOG - here
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Beautiful Grand Manan Island, New Brunswick
I am taking a summer break - the podcast will be back on July 2, 2021
On this show, I am very pleased to introduce you to an exciting new project in which I am involved, along with my colleagues, Maxine M. Kerr and Dr. Shely Polak - related to family dispute resolution and family mediation - York Family Resolution Centre.
YFRC’s website - here
Contact YFRC - here
I know many people consider the answer to this question, including because someone once posed the question to me directly. Interested in my thoughts on this subject? - well, this is the episode for you!
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
If you have ever wondered how a family mediation is actually conducted then this show is for you. I discuss the practical mechanics - both during the before-times and since the onset of the pandemic.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Separation in midlife brings with it unique challenges, and calls for focus on particular issues, from unique perspectives. Hear my thoughts and comments on this topic.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
My Guest is Julie Gill - an experienced practitioner in the field of family dispute resolution (FDR) , a coach and communicator. Julie offers a wide range of services in the area of dispute resolution but the focus of our discussion was family mediation, and our passionate commitment to the process. I value every opportunity to educate the public about family mediation - my chance to chat with Julie and benefit from her practical insights was one such great opportunity and I invite you to LISTEN!
To learn more about Julie, and to contact her, visit her website: www.familiesfirstmediation.com
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
It is never too late to mediate and attempt settlement in a family law case, even once a court case starts, but many people think it may be. In this episode, I explore this common misconception, with practical examples, and explain why a shot at settlement in mediation is always a good idea.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
When emotions are raw and high, interpreting communications can before problematic and even difficult. This includes digesting written communications from the other lawyer. In this episode, I illustrate how easy it is to get off track, with the aid of a hypothetical example, and offer some suggestions on how to avoid what might feel like a minefield.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
COVID-19 has effected every aspect of our daily lives, from the way we work, to the way we play, and so much more. Family law has also experienced a “new normal”, and both lawyers and the justice system in Canada have had to adapt, sometimes very quickly, to conducting a typical family law case, including before the Court, in today’s reality. I am asked many questions by the public about family court in 2021. I respond to some of them in this episode.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Do not be offended or feel slighted if you have hired a senior family law lawyer, and you find out a more junior lawyer or a law clerk is also involved in your matter and perhaps dealings with you day-to-day. This can be of great advantage to you - allowing your matter to move forward as expediently and cost-effectively as possible. In this episode, I discuss this very point.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Self-care - the ability to name how you feel, and to address it including by identifying your personal emotional and psychological needs, is a key to a sane split. The supply of gas in the tank of your car is not infinite. Neither are your own energies, no matter how invincible you may feel or want to project to the world. Self-care is essential - it’s not selfish, self-centered, it’s none of those things. It means recharging your battery from time to time, to be able to press on and to make reasonable, reasoned decisions - balanced, wise and strategic.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Many parents navigating separation find parenting during this time particularly challenging. I field many questions on this topic, both as a family law lawyer and as a family mediator. In this episode, I pose 3 such common questions and provide some answers - based on my professional experience but also from a human perspective, acknowledging and exploring the challenges you might be facing.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
March 1 marked the coming into force of sweeping changes to family law legislation, in Ontario and across Canada. I discuss some of these in this episode, which is Part 2 of a series. My focus here is on relocation (sometimes also referred to as mobility) and on family violence, a very important and impactful subject.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
March 1 marked the coming into force of sweeping changes to family law legislation, in Ontario and across Canada. I discuss some of these in this episode, which I plan to be part of a series. My focus here is new terminology we will use to describe child-related arrangements, and a renewed focus to resolving parenting disputes outside the court system.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Ryan Bensen - an experienced Chartered & Forensic Accountant, Chartered Business Valuator & Fraud Examiner, IS BACK!
We discuss “income” and related subjects - including by applying the concepts we cover to illustrative hypotheticals.
Because Ryan is a returning guest and I have already asked him my standard questions about food, this time I focus my laser beam on Nashville and we have fun around the subject of country music - LISTEN!
I invite you to learn more about Ryan, and to contact him, through his website: www.bensenindustries.com
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week - I tackle Contents - I have capitalized the word because I know they are important to you. Often, they are not just “stuff” - they are part of your identity. They are memories. And dividing Contents can be a headache but I offer some thoughts and tips to guide you along the way.
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this week’s episode, I share with you my thoughts about delay - and how it can cause problems for you, problems which may not be easily fixed.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Ryan Bensen - an experienced Chartered & Forensic Accountant, Chartered Business Valuator & Fraud Examiner.
We discuss the intersection of family law and forensic accounting - including by applying the concepts we cover to an illustrative, hypothetical family.
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - LISTEN!
I invite you to learn more about Ryan, and to contact him, through his website: www.bensenindustries.com
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Robert Halpern - an experienced and accomplished Family Law Lawyer, Mediator, Arbitrator and Author.
We tackle the topic of managing expectations - for people facing separation initially, and as the post-separation period unfolds.
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - LISTEN!
Robert can be reached at Halpern Law Group: www.halpernlawgroup.ca
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this episode, I offers some well-meaning cautions about home-cooked Separation Agreements.
Ontario’s Family Law Limited Scope Services Project: www.familylawlss.ca
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
How you communicate about your separation, where and with whom, can have consequences which you may not have considered. In this episode, I highlight some potential traps, using hypotheticals to explain my points.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Though it may feel like the world has stopped turning when a relationship ends, communication between exes needs to continue, in some form, post-separation and possibly for some time to come. In this episode, Part 2 of a three-part series on COMMUNICATION, I cover topics such as how, when and why you might need to communicate with your ex, and I even touch of metacognition.
Bill Eddy’s website is: www.highconflictinstitute.com
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Effective communication with your lawyer is one of the keys to a SANE SPLIT. In this episode, Part 1 of a three-part series on COMMUNICATION, I offer some tips.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Questions about legal costs are very common and very understandable. In this episode, I present some top-line points about them, which include both factors relating to them which can be predicted and controlled, and those which cannot. I also offer some tips on how to keep them in check.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
As the calendar year draws to a close, many people are considering making changes in their lives. Sometimes, they are thinking of separating - the timing of the decision to coincide with the beginning of a new year. I offer some thoughts and tips on the subject, to assist those who may be at the crossroads.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Family Law Limited Scope Services Project: www.familylawlss.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Shmuel Stern - Founder of Disclosure Clinic.
We tackle a topic of interest to many separated spouses - disclosure in the context of family law - why it’s important to make it, how to make it and the great benefit of actually understanding why you are producing disclosure, tips and cautions, and lots more!
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - LISTEN!
Disclosure Clinic’s website is: www.disclosureclinic.ca
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Melanie Battaglia - a Family Law and Education Law Lawyer.
.We tackle a topic of interest to many separated spouses who have children - the intersection of those two areas of the law. Why? Because education comes up as a topic sooner or later.
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - LISTEN!
Pooran Law’s website is: www.pooranlaw.com
Alan Alda's podcast is : Clear + Vivid
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Only rare cases in Ontario do not involve the completion of a Financial Statement at some point. These documents are very important in family mediation as well. The reality is that sooner or later, you may have to complete one as well, whether you were married or in a common-law relationship. In this episode, which is Part 3 of my Financial Statement series, I offer tips on filling in the Assets and Liabilities portion.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Family Law Limited Scope Services Project: www.familylawlss.ca
Only rare cases in Ontario do not involve the completion of a Financial Statement at some point. These documents are very important in family mediation as well. The reality is that sooner or later, you may have to complete one as well, whether you were married or in a common-law relationship. In this episode, which is Part 2 of my Financial Statement series, I offer tips on filling in the Income part.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Family Law Limited Scope Services Project: www.familylawlss.ca
Only rare, very rare cases in Ontario do not involve the completion of a Financial Statement at some point. They are very important in family mediation as well. The reality is that sooner or later, you may have to complete one as well, whether you were married or in a common-law relationship. In this episode, which is Part 1 of my Financial Statement series, I offer tips on completing your Expenses (also commonly referred to as the Budget).
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
When people separate, lies sometimes become weapons in the battle they wage against one another. In this episode, I share my thoughts on why such lies come into the mix, how they complicate the orderly resolution of the issues, and I offer some tips on how you might help your lawyer deal with them.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Preparing for family mediation? I offer some tips……
My mediation website: www.mettamediation.org
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Children of separated parents look forward to the magic of Christmas, just like their peers from intact families. It IS possible to maintain the magic and work out arrangements that reduce the possibility of stress and anxiety for the kids, so they can focus on Santa, gifts and treats. In this episode, I offer some tips on how to discuss Christmas with the other parent and when, and what do so if you hit a snag in your dialogue. I also discuss what happens when parents cannot agree.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this episode, I provide an overview of the Right of First Refusal - not when one party wants to purchase the other’s interest in a matrimonial home or common residence, for example, but rather as this phrase relates to children. When one parent is not available to care for kids on their time, should that care be offered to the other parent first?
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this episode, I discuss topics, issues and themes related to kids - for your discussions with the other parent and hopefully, to be included in your Parenting Plan - not only the obvious ones but also some which are not as well-known to the public.
Our Family Wizard’s website: www.ourfamilywizard.ca
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Janice Ho and Lucia Lam - Family Law Lawyers at Holam Law. Our very timely topic of discussion - Limited Scope Legal Services, also called Unbundled Services, in the family law context.
In our interview, my Guests and I cover a range of subjects related to this topic, including what these services are, with practical examples, payment options and how to find a lawyer providing these services.
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - Janice and Lucia clearly share my love of it and I have to tell you this part of our dialogue left me really hungry!
Holam Law’s website is: www.holamlaw.com
Ontario Family Law Limited Scope Services Project’s website is : www.familylawlss.ca
Alan Alda's podcast is : Clear + Vivid
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
My thoughts on why many people still think settlement and compromise are signs of weakness, and why thinking this way is neither wise nor practical.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Katharine Rajczak - family law lawyer and mediator, coach, teacher and so much more…
Katharine and I cover a whole range of subjects related to communication, including some you may not have thought about - like the importance of breathing, like learning from conflict, and like musing why written communication in the context of separation can be so challenging.
As usual, at the end of the episode, we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - and I ask Katharine three questions about it.
Katharine’s website is: www.nextstageconflictresolution.com
Katharine’s email: katharine@rajczaklaw.com
Alan Alda's podcast is : Clear + Vivid
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Separation is tough but you are NOT ALONE. When on the separation journey, turn to others - create a support network, a team of people who will help you when you need help and support..
My email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Decisions - many, many decisions - are a certainty when a relationship ends. So are emotions, often turned up to 11! So how do you deal with making decisions in the context of separation, keeping in mind you may be making choices about your future and those of your kids, in an emotional context? This week, I offer some tips.
Daniel Kahneman’s book is “Thinking, Fast and Slow”
Tali Sharot’s book is “The Influential Mind: What the Brain Reveals about our Power to Change Others”
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Philip M. Epstein is one of Canada’s most noted family law lawyers, mediators and arbitrators. I was privileged to be taught by him as an articling student. He has had a profound impact on my professional life and I learned many lessons from him which have translated into my personal life as well.
This is my small tribute to Phil’s long and incredible career, and a short account, with great appreciation, of what I learned from him.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week, I tackle paperwork - and there IS lots of it in a typical family law case. I share with you 5 tips which are based on my clients’ experiences over the years, both positive and negative, and my own encounters with paperwork too.
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Annesa Feeley O’Brien - family law and immigration law lawyer, and Irish Canadian..
Annesa shares her experiences with change, both in a personal context having moved from one continent to another, and in a professional context, having watched her clients experience it, as part of her practice. We provide the listeners with tips on navigating change in the context of separation.
As usual, at the end of the episode we spend some time on one of my favourite subjects, food - and I ask Annesa three questions about it.
Annesa’s website is: www.feeleyobrienlaw.com
Alan Alda's podcast is : Clear + Vivid
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week, I cover the basics of Separation Agreements. (Yes, there is more than just one type). Topics include:
What is a Separation Agreement?
Why would you want to end up with one when your relationship ends?
What about the content - how is that decided?
Who can and/or should prepare it?
…and more.
my email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
This week's episode features my dialogue with Ilana Tamari - mediator. arbitrator, parenting coordinator and more. Topics include how to talk to kids about separation. how to help them adjust to it. what to watch for when their habits or behaviour change. We also tackle the basics of parenting coordination - what it is and when parents might need it.
Ilana's website is:
www.ilanatamari.com
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
Alan Alda's podcast is : Clear + Vivid
In this week's episode, I take off my family law lawyer hat and put on my family mediator hat - I tackle commonly-asked questions, for example, what is family mediation, what is it not, why are so many people talking about it these days, what does a mediator actually do, what is the role of the parties, where do lawyers fit in? ...and others.....
My email is: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this week’s episode, I answer some commonly-asked questions. Topics include:
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retainers
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ex parte motions
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estimating legal costs
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limited scope legal services
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dealing with inertia
and more......
The website for Ontario's Family Law Limited Scope Services Project is:
www.familylawlss.ca
AJ’s email: aj@jakubowska.ca
Communication is in many ways more intense once a relationship ends. It is more necessary than ever and yet, a lot easier to get wrong. I discuss why and offer some tips on how to make it more effective.
AJ’s email: aj@jakubowska.ca
In this episode, I discuss why you may want to build a team of professionals to help you on your separation journey, how to find them, how to select them, and why the right expert help can help you feel more SANE when a relationship ends.
In this episode. I introduce an imaginary couple experiencing separation, discuss some important aspects of their journey and its impact on their kids, and share my thoughts on choices available to make that journey as manageable, short and financially feasible.