Living More Fully: Recent Episodes

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How do we cope with pandemic fatigue, seasonal affective disorder, the holidays blues, on top of post-election stress?

Listen to this episode where James Guay, LMFT speaks to AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on We Are Channel Q Radio about mental health concerns during these unprecedented times.

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How do we cope with election stress in 2020?  A Harris Poll taken in August, 2020 showed that 2/3rds of US Americans are experiencing distress related to the election, regardless of political affiliation.

Listen to this episode where James Guay, LMFT speaks to AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on We Are Channel Q Radio about ways to cope with this upcoming election.

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James Guay, LMFT speaks with AJ Gibson & Mikalah Gordon on Channel Q's The Morning Beat Radio Show about his COVID-19 Mental Health Survivor Guide.

COVID-19 has transformed our world. Not only has it led to spiked infections, it’s also instilled mass hysteria, global grief, worldwide trauma and a huge stop to our everyday normal routines.

1. Increase Self-Awareness: The first step to managing our COVID 19 stress better is getting ourselves off auto-pilot by increasing our self-awareness. We’re experiencing collective trauma and grief on a worldwide level. Mindful curiosity, without judgment, is the first step to treat what’s bothering us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
2. Attend to Thoughts, Feelings & Body Sensations: Attending to our internal landscape, we need to acknowledge what’s there, allowing for whatever exists without trying to force it to be different. When we reject what we find or judge it, it often gets more intense and lasts longer than it otherwise would. Next, by naming what we find we get closer to identifying it and attending to it in ways that are needed.
3. Take Mindful Action: There are lots of great lists out there about what kinds of activities we can do while staying at home. To read my full blog article on this, my list & linked resources, CLICK HERE.
4. Create Down Time: We are at an opportune time for a global reset on how we manage our time. For far too long, we have promoted production and DOING at the expense of balance and BEING. Both doing and being are essential in living a full life but when they’re out of balance we’re more likely to experience illness, burnout, boredom and overall dissatisfaction in life.
5. Spread Compassion: Mindfulness WITH compassion is the antidote for what ails us. When we increase our awareness in the present moment with curiosity, instead of judgment, and bring compassion to whatever we discover, we can navigate our response to real-life threats, like pandemics. We honor our organic response, get to know it, be with it and create space inside for how we can care for it with gentleness, grace and even fierceness.

To read my full blog article, list & linked resources, CLICK HERE.

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It's been said that mindfulness without compassion is like a bird with one wing.  Both are essential to living an engaged and full life.  When we come from a place of curiosity, openness AND kindness to experiences in life, we have greater awareness and a depth of understanding that creates greater internal wealth.

In this podcast, I'll guide you through a compassion meditation where you first focus on compassion toward yourself and anything in your internal or external environment that naturally arises.  This meditation is like an exercise class that with enough consistent practice can build your muscles to be more compassionate in a variety of circumstances.

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Practicing mindfulness through meditation is the training ground for becoming more mindful in your everyday life.  When we train in this way, we can then develop the internal muscles to navigate life's natural ups and downs.

In this podcast I guide you through a mindfulness meditation that incorporates an increased awareness of your body, your breath and your surroundings, using your five senses.  

Enjoy coming back home to YOU!

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How can we BREAK BAD HABITS using mindfulness?

Last time, episode 1 in this series, I defined mindfulness and applied it to reducing anxiety and stress.

Again, mindfulness is the awareness of the present moment from a place of curiosity. Instead of being judgmental, we become more objective...more curious...and even compassionate with whatever it is we find, even stuff we don’t like.

One of the many reasons people come into my office for counseling, is because they’ve tried to break a bad habit or pattern on their own, and despite their best efforts, they’re still hooked:

• This may be a destructive relationship pattern (like always chasing after the unavailable person or finding yourself in one-sided relationships),
• Or it could be difficulty managing your alcohol or drug use to the point where it becomes self-destructive, despite your best efforts.
• It ALSO may be yoyo dieting or yoyo exercising...vacillating between two opposite extremes and having an unhealthy relationship with food or exercise.

EXAMPLE: Yoyo Dieting

I’m gonna use the example of yoyo dieting, wanting to lose or gain weight, as it’s something most of us can relate to at one time or another in our lives. There’s so much societal pressure to lose/gain weight, get fit, have ripped abs or some other body ideal. It’s challenging to have a good body image in this day and age.

It’s very easy to go drastic, and in ways that are not so healthy. We may find ourselves in a habitual pattern of searching for the next best diet regime, doing it for a period of time, losing dramatic weight but then finding ourselves unable to sustain it...because ultimately it’s probably not very healthy for our bodies and our mind in the first place.

A natural byproduct of being too rigid, too perfectionistic or too limiting with anything — let alone our food intake — is that we often swing to the opposite extreme and then feel completely out-of-control.

So...what’s the antidote to yoyo dieting? Using the tool of mindfulness, we can get to know our self-destructive habits, where they come from, and learn to be kinder and more compassionate with ourselves, like we would a best friend.

So let me take you through what this might look like.

1. Outer Circle: Mindfulness of External Messages

Imagine for a moment, circles within a circle, and the outer circle being our external environment while the inner circle represents our inner life. When it comes to yoyo dieting, I find it useful to start from the outer external environment. I have a helpful graphic about this, so check it out at www.livingmorefully.com/mindfulness/ along with the show notes for this episode.

Look at Past Influences:

While mindfulness is rooted in the present moment, it’s sometimes helpful to look at our past in order to better understand where our current thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviors around dieting come from. This isn’t about getting stuck in past resentments or regrets but rather about having a deeper awareness of how we got here. This can help us have a greater felt sense of choice IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

From a place of mindfulness, ask yourself some questions:

1. Why do you believe you should lose/gain weight?
2. What messages did you receive about your body’s weight, shape or size growing up?
3. What messages did you hear from your family of origin, peers, the media and society at large?
4. What actual experiences have you had where you started to believe that a certain body shape/size would get you more attention, love or validation?
5. Did you get teased for not being society's ideal weight?
6. Did you get shamed by a medical provider?
7. How often have you heard or told fat jokes?

Let’s recognize that the US weight loss market, at the time of this recording, is now worth 66 billion dollars….a record number, so we see dieting fads marketed ALL the time.

Instead of just analyzing these things from an intellectual perspective, using mindfulness allows us to connect the dots from our past experiences to how we formed our current beliefs.

Look at Current Influences:

Also, mindfulness allows us to pay attention to how our current environment impacts our yoyo dieting and poor body image.

From a place of mindfulness, ask yourself some questions about your current environment:

1. What magazines, TV shows and other media do you currently consume?
2. What social media accounts do you follow and how do they impact you?
3. How does your behavior on dating or hookup apps influence your body image?
4. What messages do you hear currently about dieting from friends, family and co-workers?

Take some time to notice how you digest images, and what assumptions you make about people or yourself based on these images. This leads us to the inner circles of influence.

1. Inner Circles: Mindfulness of Internal Messages

Next, it’s helpful to be mindful of our internal landscape. Being mindful, we take ourselves off auto-pilot, and notice what’s going on inside, using our physical sensations as a guide. If our thoughts/beliefs influence our feelings influence our behaviors (like yoyo dieting), then let’s start with our thoughts.

Thoughts/Beliefs:

Having just acknowledge all of the diet/body-related memories, external messages and how they’ve formed our self-limiting beliefs what happens in your physical body? Notice the areas of tension/contraction, maybe numbness or disconnection, whatever is there, just allow it to be for right now.

What happens inside when you compare yourself to someone else, and judge yourself or others accordingly? If you observe a belief that you can only be worthy, loved or noticed if you look a certain way, notice how this shows up in your body. Is there any jitteriness, paralysis or jumping-out-of-your-body like sensations that manifests in your body? Maybe shallow breathing or holding tension in your digestive area? Again, it’s important to watch this things with curiosity and without judgment.

Feelings:

Next, notice any associated feelings. Do you feel fear, hurt, anger, apprehension, desperation or anything else as it relates to yoyo dieting or your body image? Observe these feelings without having to DO anything about them just yet. First we need to know what’s going on before we can treat them.

Behaviors:

Give yourself some time to recognize your behaviors too. What are your patterns with yoyo dieting? How long do you sustain certain diets and what percentage of the time are you in alignment with your goals? Again, this is simple taking a measurement of where you’re currently at and your typical patterns, not analyzing things from a place of judgment. So if you start judging yourself, notice that from a greater place of neutrality.

1. Compassion/Care Toward Your Body:

The third step to working with yoyo dieting is to be compassionate and caring of your body, soul and mind. Whatever you discover, hold it with curiosity and kindness. When we’re compassionate with ourselves, we can take responsibility for how we’ve treated ourselves and others and do it differently. When we beat ourselves up, we’re more likely to repeat vicious cycles of abuse.

Feed your body, mind and soul from a place of love and kindness. Notice when your body is hungry AND when it’s full. Eating slow enough and mindfully we can reorient the body to these cues.

Instead of labeling certain foods good or bad, notice how each kind of food can have a different impact on your body and adjust accordingly, from a place of care not dogma. Give yourself time to develop a taste for foods that have a higher nutrient value, usually foods that have a more direct relationship with the sun, the source of energy. This isn’t about being perfect, whatever that means for nutrition, just making sure you’re getting enough whole foods to help your body function well, heal, and have a good immune response.

Compassion in this area is about having good enough nutrition, exercise and sleep - to have a holistic perspective of what your body needs, not a number on a scale or a certain shape/size.

The 3 step process is:

1. Be mindful of external messages
2. Be mindful of internal messages and where they come from
3. Be compassionate and caring of your body, soul and mind

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Welcome to this podcast series where I’ll be talking about the transformative power of mindfulness...in a practical way. What is it and how do we actually use it? It’s a topic that’s near and dear to my heart because I’ve seen how powerful it changes the lives of my clients and certainly has my own as well. Today I’ll be defining mindfulness and describing how it can be used to reduce stress through a 4 step process:

1. Observing how we hold stress physically
2. Attending to our physical symptoms
3. Noticing our thoughts and feelings
4. Caring for our self-limiting beliefs, like perfectionism

So let’s get started...What is Mindfulness?

I describe mindfulness as a state of awareness in the present moment, with curiosity instead of judgment. It’s kind of like an unfiltered mirror that shows us EXACTLY what’s going on AS it’s going on, IN the here and now and most importantly WITHOUT all the noise and judgements that we so often have. When we slow down and observe whatever’s happening NOW, from a place of neutrality, objectivity or even compassion, then we can see more clearly what’s going on and respond differently to our environment. When we’re being mindful, we can feel a greater sense of freedom to engage with whatever’s happening from a more authentic place.

Thankfully, a natural byproduct of mindfulness is that we’re more kind and more compassionate with ourselves and with others...something that is SORELY missing in today’s political climate.

Stress Reduction

Let me illustrate this by taking you through an example of using mindfulness with stress.

EXAMPLE: Deadline @ Work

A frequent complaint I hear about AND certainly experience myself at times, is the EVER increasing volume of work and obligations we have in our job, and the increasing stress that comes with that.

So let’s imagine that you’re in the thick of things, mid-day, and you’re just freaking out — you have a deadline at the end of your work day and you feel way behind where you were hoping to be.

Instead of going on auto-pilot — maybe working too fast and missing things, or the reverse, where you’re procrastinating or completely immobilized — we might, instead, take 5 minutes to practice mindfulness...to recalibrate.

1. BEGIN: How We Hold Stress Physically

A helpful place to start being mindful when we’re anxious is first to just notice what’s happening in our body as it is right now, without necessarily trying to change anything about it. Are we holding tension in our shoulders or neck? Do we feel sick to our stomach from the stress? Do we have restricted shallow breathing? A lot of us hold anxiety in various parts of our body. BEING mindful, we allow space for whatever it is that we discover, without the judgements of what’s right or what’s wrong...simply observing from a place of curiosity where things are at.

1. TRANSFORM STRESS: Attending to Physical Symptoms

Once we’ve observed what’s going on for us physically, to reduce stress we can begin to attend to what we find in a caring way. Maybe we decide to take a deeper breath, relax our shoulders, or get into a more comfortable posture. Maybe we notice we need some food to fuel and sustain our energy.

We may notice that the intensity of our stress changes as we respond. As we attend to this mindfully, we can lean into whatever natural spontaneous reaction is happening, without overindulging in it AND without ignoring or denying it exists. We simply pay attention non-judgmentally and we learn how we hold anxiety. With practice we can learn how to self-regulate our stress so that we’re having enough of this alert energy to perform at our best, without it derailing us in the process.

1. BEGIN: Notice Thoughts & Feelings Related to Anxiety

Next, using mindfulness to reduce stress, it’s useful to observe our thoughts and feelings in the present moment, again...nonjudgmentally. We notice whatever is there from a place of curiosity, which naturally gives us more space to see what’s going on and how we’re making meaning of it all.

In this example, we may notice a feeling of fear when we imagine not meeting our deadline. As we observe and feel this fear in a more neutral way, it may connect to a thought — a memory of when we were invalidated or even shamed for not performing at our best.

As we recall this memory, and all the feelings that are associated with it, we may notice that we unconsciously or otherwise, created a defense mechanism to protect us from re-experiencing that kind of pain and discomfort. Maybe we came to believe that in order to be liked, valued or attended to we needed to be perfect. We learned to set very high and often unattainable expectations of ourselves to avoid shame and to get our needs met. With mindfulness we may come face-to-face with our own perfectionism, something that fuels our anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed.

1. TRANSFORM STRESS: Attend to Perfectionism

As we get to know this defense, it’s important not to judge ourselves for it. We can so easily get stuck in a loop, of judging the judgements of our judgements. At some point, we need to step back and notice how this is just pouring salt on a gaping long-standing wound. Instead we can recognize how it benefited us along with how it limits us. Both are important to recognize...separating out the facts from the judgements.

As a therapist, I’m continually amazed at the brilliance of our defense mechanisms and ways that we try to protect ourselves AND get other needs met. And we can also recognize when they no longer serve us or when we apply them too much of the time when they’re not as useful.

With mindfulness we can increase our awareness of what our stress is connected to...in this example the desire to be valued...to be loved...and the self-limiting beliefs that come along with it...our own perfectionism.

Once we notice the noise of our thoughts, feelings, memories and self-limiting beliefs, we can then treat ourselves like we would a best friend when THEY’RE feeling down or insecure.

We can better find a place of “good enough” or even “excellence” but NOT “perfection”. We can make mistakes and learn from them. When we recognize and really FEEL our inherent worth and value, we’re less reactive and more responsive to the tasks ahead.

We’re now more able to have a moderate amount of stress that can give us the energy to work at our best to meet our deadline.

BENEFITS: Stress Reduction

After this 5 minute break at work to get to know ourselves, and to attend to what we find in a curious and compassionate way...we re-calibrate.

So...mindfulness gives us a greater ability for clarity, calm, creativity, productivity, concentration and more self-compassion as it relates to this example.

So again, mindfulness is being present with your experience, curious and without judgement.

The 4 step process is:

1. Observing how we hold stress physically
2. Attending to our physical symptoms
3. Noticing our thoughts and feelings
4. Caring for our self-limiting beliefs, like perfectionism

If you want to see my blog post on this topic, with a helpful graphic that visually describes this process, you can go to www.livingmorefully.com/mindfulness In future episodes of this series, I’ll be applying the tool of mindfulness to breaking self-destructive habits, like yoyo dieting, creating better relationships by improving your communication skills, and I’ll also take you through 2 guided mindfulness meditations. You can access all of these podcasts, on multiple platforms, by going to my website at www.livingmorefully.com. Take good care.

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The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship in our lives. It is one that is with us from birth until death, from 24/7, 365 days a year. Literally no one else on the planet can be there in the same way that we can be there for ourselves.

This topic is near and dear to my heart, especially because as a teenager, I was my own worst critic to the point of having a tremendous amount of self-hatred and rejection. Now, I didn't start out this way; none of us do, but our environment certainly has an impact on this, right? So, whether we're bullied by our peers, whether we're rejected by our families or society at large, it really has an impact, especially when our brains haven't developed enough to really understand what's going on.

Many of us grow up in environments where we don't get just the basic support for our natural way of being, our personalities, our way interacting with the world, and instead, sometimes we get messages that we're expected to be perfect, never make mistakes, and even some demeaning attitudes and ridicule of just our basic core essential self. So much of the time, we just aren't valued for our natural gifts and abilities and characteristics, so we learn kind of ingeniously how to adapt, how to only show certain parts of ourselves that get better results, that we're either loved or accepted or maybe we just don't have to defend ourselves quite in the same way against harmful messages from the outside.

It's a brilliant defense. It's effective in a lot of different ways, and so it's important not to dis our defenses, to appreciate where they came from and how they helped us to survive, but if we use these approaches into adulthood, into our relationships, into our careers, it can really inhibit our full potential.

How do we befriend ourselves? How do we become our own best friends, especially if we already have a pretty conflictual or toxic relationship with who we are? If we want to better our relationships, our friendships, if we want to embrace our life more fully, if we want to change society in the world to be much more empathic and caring and compassionate, it's a great place to start with our own relationship with ourselves.

What does it mean to become your own best friend? What does this look like? It's not just in moments when we're struggling that it's important to befriend ourselves and care and attend to whatever pain is there in the moment. It also means enjoying life, right? Allowing ourselves to play, to experience pleasure and joy. It's showing up for ourselves, not just when we're down and out, but also when we're enjoying and celebrating life. So, it's multifaceted.

Developing a friendship with ourselves, a better friendship, really requires us to go back to the basics. Again, if we're meeting someone for the first time, we're going to be asking questions and approaching things hopefully from a place of curiosity, non-judgment. Sort of like what's their history? What makes them tick? What are their core values, thoughts, feelings, needs? What makes them who they are? We can apply that same principle to ourselves, especially if we've neglected or just stepped over or we have a toxic relationship with ourselves.

In order to do this, especially if we've neglected ourselves or we're just on autopilot where we take things for granted, it's important to reconnect to our five senses because that can deliver messages. That can be a way for us to get to know ourselves. If our heart starts racing, maybe it's about some level of excitement or fear, and we can follow that path and be curious about what in our present moment environment is bringing up certain thoughts and feelings and physical sensations. If we're recognizing that we're hearing or seeing something in a particular way that's pleasurable or upsetting, it's one of the ways that we register and get to know ourselves.

This is also about showing up or when we're having a bad day, we're struggling with something instead of kicking ourselves when we're down. Sometimes it can be useful to imagine our younger self that needs some love, validation, attention, support. It doesn't have to be immediately. Sometimes it needs to be, but we can also build a relationship with ourselves where we recognize, "Oh, I'm at work, or I need to attend to something, and I will spend some time with you later addressing the hurt feelings or whatever else is going on."

This is about building trust in ourselves, too, if it's something that's diminished over time, and that can be, again, about consistent action, not being too rigid, having some level of flexibility, but also making sure that we're taking steps to do the things that we want to do in life, to treat ourselves well, whether that's having good nutrition and adequate, consistent sleep and exercise and just showing up for ourselves, not from a punitive, judgy sort of place, but from an expansive, caring, I deserve this sort of place.

When we're struggling, when we're experiencing some pain, oftentimes what we need the most is to just sit and be with ourselves, right? Sometimes we don't need the advice giving. Sometimes we just need the recognition of the feeling itself, the feeling state, and caring for it in whatever ways are appropriate in the given moment.

Like a friend who is coming to us and sharing some experience that they've had a where they're struggling or they feel challenged or they feel hurt or upset. Oftentimes just saying, "Hey, I care. I get it. I've been through that. I'm here. I recognize. It matters to me how you're feeling." That in and of itself can just be perfect medicine in so many different ways, and we also need to be able to do that for ourselves in moments when nobody's around, when we need to be there for ourselves some of the time and not just have other people do that for us. To develop that level of relationship with ourselves can be tremendously rewarding and just help us deal with the natural ups and downs of life.

Lastly, I just want to acknowledge in this discussion this concept of unconditional positive regard, that we are of value, of worth, regardless of what we say or do or don't say or don't do, that there's nothing to be proven, that we can't achieve it. It exists inherently as part of our humanity. When we begin to operate from this space, from this belief, so much is possible in our life.

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Friendships are vital for our overall health and well-being. In fact, not only are healthy friendships good for our emotional and psychological well-being but they also improve our physical health, like our immune system.

Obvious Signs a Friendship Needs to End

However, destructive or even toxic friendships can wreak havoc on our lives. And sometimes, friendships can be problematic in other ways.

Here are a few examples of why you might want to end your friendship:

• Your friend is self-absorbed (unwilling to compromise, do things you want, ask how you’re doing, have a conversation & not just a monologue),
• exponentially more concerned with perceived slights than their own egregious behaviors, (more sensitive to what’s been done to them than their sensitivity to others)
• repeatedly betrays your trust (talking about you negatively behind your back, sharing information you’ve shared confidentially, is sexual with someone you’re involved with without your consent)
• is consistently breaking plans/commitments (more times than not),
• consistently doesn’t show up for important events to support you,
• blames you for everything,
• doesn’t take responsibility for their actions,
• constantly puts you down,
• or even makes you question your reality (i.e. gaslighting).

If it’s become clear, that despite your best efforts, your friendship needs to end, this is about prioritizing self-preservation. It’s important not to jeopardize your emotional, physical or psychological health and well-being to remain in a toxic relationship of any kind.

Less Obvious Signs a Friendship Needs to End

There are other less obvious signs a friendship may need to end, or at least be re-prioritized so that you spend less energy/time with them:

• Less convenient than other friendships
• Cost/benefit analysis consistently off
• Feels too one-sided too much of the time
• Desire to prioritize other friendships you find more consistently rewarding
• Too negative too much of the time, despite your efforts to shift and communicate your needs

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I believe in the healing power of relationships. We can be hurt and yet heal AND grow in relationships too. Relationships take work, are not perfect and at times require repairs and maintenance.

If you want to hear more about ways to improve your friendships, go to my last podcast in this series, at www.livingmorefully.com/improvingfriendships

So, if you’ve done your due diligence in trying to improve your friendship or it’s just too toxic or something happened that’s so egregious AND you’re actually ready to end your friendship, how do you do it?

Assess Your Readiness to End Friendship

• Have you asserted your needs in consistent enough ways?
• Have you done due diligence in trying to better the friendship? (putting more into the friendship yourself = time, energy, presence, positivity)
• Do you have other support systems in place?
• Have you imagined what it would be like without them in your life, realistically?
• How safe do you feel physically, sexually, psychologically, emotionally, and financially?
• • Create a safety plan if need to exit/leave and/or protect yourself
  • In extreme cases, temporary restraining order if needed and a safety plan
• Is there any other prep work you need to do beforehand?
• • Have social support from others
  • If safe to do so, contacting their social support if they have a history of self-harm

How to End Friendships

Various Methods: How to end depends on the context of your friendship and your own safety.

1. Slowly fading out: most peripheral friendships that end, die out naturally over time. Having a non-dramatic and mutual withdrawal is where you spend less and less time together interacting. You initiate less. You accept less invitations to talk or hang-out. Sometimes this happens without our intent where we get distracted by work or other priorities. We can’t be friends with everyone and only have so much time in our day, so we need to be somewhat selective in how we want to spend our time.
2. Break-up conversation: for those who are more significant in our lives, or for those that aren’t able to slowly fade out, sometimes we need to end a friendship directly by communicating our intention to do so. Like the concept of “conscious uncoupling” in primary romantic relationships, it’s important to do so in a clear but kind way. There’s no need to do a scorched-earth kind withdrawal. A little compassion, even if you’re hurt, betrayed or angry, can go a long way to creating a more compassionate world too. Compassion doesn’t mean permitting someone to treat you poorly, rather it’s taking responsibility for what you own and not owning what someone else needs to take responsibility for. It’s being clear and setting firm boundaries.
3. Cold-turkey withdrawal: when a friendship has gotten volatile, abusive or toxic, sometimes the best response is to cut off the friendship cold-turkey. This can be about removing any access they had earlier to communicate with you (like blocking their phone number, de-friending, blocking or not following their social media).

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There are moments in life where we notice our friendships are just not as satisfying as we’d like them to be. Maybe they’ve become sporadic, one-sided, boring, conflictual, or otherwise just not as deep, fun or consistent as we’d like. If your friendships have become stale or less than desirable, there’s still hope!

FRIENDSHIP TUNE-UP:

Most friendships need a periodic tune-up, to function at their best. It doesn’t necessarily mean that our friendship needs to end or be replaced. It may be that infusing some new and positive energy into the friendship is necessary or addressing underlying resentments can help it to function better.

In order to determine what’s going on, first we need a diagnostic...we need to assess, so we can actually attend to problem areas instead of fixing things that are operating perfectly fine. This give us a better chance of success instead of wasting our energy and getting frustrated when things don’t change. Maybe the brakes need replacing, like having better boundaries in relationships, and instead we rotate the tires but find ourselves still suffering from the same issue, needing to set limits, needing to put on the breaks sometimes.

Diagnostic/Assessment:

• How long has this been happening?
• Has it always been this way?
• Is this unique for this friendship or are YOU the common denominator?
• What do you like about the friendship?
• What’s missing?
• What needs to be addressed?

Common problem areas in friendships:

• Too often one-sided, not reciprocal
• Lack of quality time together, face-to-face
• Not enough consistent time spent together
• Too flaky (not following through more times than not)
• Other priorities (romantic relationship, kids, new job, etc.)
• Geographic distance
• Disparate core values (i.e. one person has core value of being transparent/honest and extends that to sharing everything that’s told to them with most of their friends while the other person is more private/selective and values trustworthiness/loyalty so doesn’t want their friend to share things that say in private without their explicit consent)
• Boundary violation: like the above example
• Disparate needs: (i.e. one person has a need for more contact while the other has need for more space OR each has a different relationship with time, one wanting to be on-time while the the other person wants more flexibility)
• Time spent feels draining, not enough enjoyment or positivity in relationship (research on couples says 5:1 ratio)
• May have begun out of convenience (met doing the same thing or geographic ease but as time passes realize not a great fit for continued friendship)
• Might not be enough vulnerability expressed so too little depth or a lack of authenticity = dry, stale or boring (various levels of vulnerability is fine)

Tune-up/Treatment:

Changing our behaviors, especially when we’ve been in a groove for awhile, is not always so easy, but hopefully caring about your friendship is at least somewhat motivating. It might feel clunky at first or feel forced, because sometimes what’s asked of us is radically different, but over time and with practice, it can eventually feel easier or at least worth it.

• “State of the Union” Conversation
• • What’s up?
  • What going well and what needs changes?
  • Express gratitude
  • Give your friend benefit-of-the-doubt if it’s warranted and let them know how you’d like your friendship to improve
  • Assert needs by making direct clear actionable requests
• Recognize compromise is essential in all relationships
• • This means that each person gets their needs met some of the time but not ALL the time so that there’s enough balance and give/take.
  • Will naturally lead to some amount of discomfort but for the greater good.
  • Doesn’t have to be 50/50 every moment or even in every relationship. We may give more in one and receive more in another.
• Specific Treatment:
• • Spend more quality time together
  • Spend more consistent time together
  • Use various means of communication but don’t become too reliant on just one or being indiscriminate (i.e. written text usually better for staying in touch, updating and scheduling but not always great for addressing conflict)
  • Assert/respect boundaries
  • Show up for important events/celebrations
  • Do EXTRAS (card, text, call, gift, postcard, videochat)
  • Schedule regular friend dates
  • Take a trip together
  • Be vulnerable/authentic
  • Express gratitude/positivity more of the time

Re-evaluation:

• After communicating more clearly with each other and hopefully taking a different or extra course of action, notice if/how things have changed.
• Any needed adjustments or reminders?
• After have done due-diligence, also get to consider if the friendship is worth as much time/energy or if need to pull back or even end it.
• We can’t be friends with everyone and only have so much time so being strategic with our time/energy is important.

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Having good solid friendships deepens our experience of life. They help us combat depression, anxiety and loneliness while also encouraging us to be our most authentic self, to let our hair down and let our freak-flag fly. AND they shine a light on the kind of friendship we want out of our long-term romantic/sexual relationships.

So why is it sometimes so hard to make new friends or maintain the ones we already have? And, how can we improve our friendships?

In this podcast series, I’ll be covering four topics on friendships:

1. How to Make New Friends?
2. How to Maintain & Improve Friendships?
3. How to End Friendships?
4. How to Be Your Own Best Friend?

So today, I’ll be talking about how to make new friends, something I talk to clients a lot about in my private practice.

First of all, let’s just recognize that how we make new friends changes over time. It’s generally much easier when we’re younger and seeing the same group of people every day, for years on end. This kind of consistency at least brings about the opportunity to get to know people better, even if your peer group is sometimes less than desirable.

Over time, we don’t always have the same consistent environments, like school/college, to get to know people. It can take extra energy and time to meet new people in new environments. Our priorities also change, so we may look for specific qualities and shared values in a new friend than we would have growing up.

Did you ever see that meme going around on social media? Essentially it said that friends are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. A reason, like going to the same school, being in same sport/club, or being co-workers; a season, like the duration of your time in one of these places, out of convenience; or a lifetime, admittedly something that is a rare experience of two or more people able to shift, adjust and prioritize their friendship over the long-haul.

• What am I looking for in a friend?

So, in making new friends, let’s start by asking yourself the question, “What am I looking for in a friend?”

This can be a similar question to what you’re looking for in a relationship or dating situation. Do you want to have shared interests or someone that brings in new fresh ideas and interest? Are you looking for an activity-partner: like a workout buddy, going out clubbing, hiking, movies?

Do you want a friend that’s more similar or different than you? We all have the need for the validation that comes from someone who closely mirrors us while also the need for diversity in someone that brings fresh ideas/activities/differences to the friendship.

Do you want to be friends with someone who shares your core values? Core values are things like: loyalty, honesty, integrity, consistency, reciprocity, authenticity, adventure, compassion, responsibility, stability, trustworthiness, generosity, sensitivity, determination, persistence, playfulness, awareness, thoughtfulness, and justice. These are some of my core values but what are yours? Core values help shape our beliefs, behaviors and the decisions we make in life, like who we want to spend more time with or who we want to deepen a friendship with.

I also just want to state the obvious, but often overlooked reality here, that deepening friendships takes time so a new friend isn’t going to have the same history, depth or investment that a long-term friend will have. We need to set our expectations accordingly, and not put too much pressure on a new budding friendship to be as rewarding or have the same qualities as a long-term friendship that’s had more time to develop.

• Where will I meet new friends?

It’s not enough to know what kind of friends you want to make, you also need to put yourself out there in situations where you’re more likely to meet them over time. Where are you most likely to meet the kind of friends you want to have? Give yourself time to brainstorm here too.

• Friends of friends (saying yes to group events/parties/socials and asking for recommendations for people in different geographic locations)
• Work & Networking (BNI, Rotary Clubs, Chamber of Commerce Meetings)
• Continuing Education Classes (i.e. cooking, photography, foreign language)
• Sports & Physical Activities (i.e. dodgeball, bowling leagues, biking, group classes, yoga, hiking, climbing, camping, dancing)
• Volunteering & Fundraisers & Galas (i.e. AIDS Walk/Ride, Breast Cancer Walk, Film Festivals, SPCA Dog Walker, volunteering to be on the Board of Directors of an organization you believe in)
• Seminars, workshops and conferences
• Self-improvement clubs: Meditation, NVC Groups, NLP Groups
• Public speaking clubs, like Toastmasters
• Other interests (i.e. movie group, museum group, book reading group, vegan, religious/spiritual, dog parks, art exhibits, political groups)

(This list will be in my show notes, at www.livingmorefully.com/newfriendships)

Where to find these kinds of groups?

• Local newspapers: “old school” = back section often includes social groups/activities
• Google Search: based on location and interest
• Online groups designed to bring people together: Meetup.com, FriendMatch.com, Apps like Nearify to find events near you,
• Facebook Events/Groups: invite people in a group with a common interest

• Apps like Goldstar & LivingSocial & TodayTix & GroupOn

• How can I be a good friend?

Part of making friends AND keeping them is being a good friend. BE the kind of friend that you’re looking for. BE reliable, considerate, fun, consistent, and available. If you have to turn down an invitation, offer an alternative. Show up more times than not. BE authentic. BE you. But also share more of you vulnerability over-time, not all at once and not never. Take your time, pace yourself, and enjoy the process of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you.