Leaning Toward Wisdom: Recent Episodes
Randy Cantrell
Once we were young.
Now, we’re old. Okay, older.
Being older is good. Often, it’s great!
She was always gorgeous. I was always smitten. Madly in love.
The love affair began on Wednesday night, July 2, 1975. During a church camp meeting in Oklahoma. I asked her out on a date following church services that night. She said yes.
That orange car in the picture was our chariot. We drove around a bit. Talked a lot. Probably went to a Dairy Queen for soft drinks. I can’t remember. Eventually, I kissed her. She kissed me back. And it was all so easy. The conversation. The being together. The kissing.
But I’m ahead of myself.
First, there was her reputation. And my respect for her.
She was known for being determined to remain faithful to her convictions. We shared faith. The Faith.
She was smart, dedicated, disciplined, and intentional. The oldest of six kids.
It was evident.
It was among the top reasons I asked her out. She was beautiful, but that was bonus content. 😉
I hadn’t been in love like this before. Ever.
This was different, and I knew it from the very first date.
Becoming a Christian was my best decision. Falling in love with her was my second best. She’s only ever taken a backseat to God.
Eighteen-year-old me would have denied ever being able to fall harder for her. But he’d have been wrong.
Did I always behave like it? Nope. To my shame. But that was primarily due to my immaturity and selfishness. Two problems I’ve experienced and that I often see in the lives of other men, too. I’m not saying it’s a uniquely male weakness, but I’m a guy and it was mine.
She’s not perfect.
But she’s pretty ideal for me.
I’m not perfect.
But I’m pretty ideal for her.
It’s our story. My story. But let’s not make this entirely about me, or her, or us.
Two ideas have been swirling in my head for as long as I can remember. One, my daily, if not hourly, fascination with her. True confession: I think of her every waking hour. And I always have. Sounds like an obsession, huh? Well, it likely is. But in a good way. It’s why many times a day I approach her, seemingly out of the blue (I’m sure that’s what she thinks), and hug her because I’ve been thinking of her a lot before I literally have to hug it out. I’m high-maintenance like that. Two, sadness that too many marriages fail because of selfishness and pride. Mostly, I think of my own selfishness and pride because I know those are ingredients for failure for each of us. Read your New Testament, and you’ll see it more clearly — especially in yourself.
This is about us – all of us. Yes, it’s about those of us who are married. And it’s about those of us who aren’t. Because love, fascination, selfishness, and pride are both universal and individual.
Masculinity seemed all but gone until we got a new President in America. The shift back toward things our country once cherished and away from the idiocy that overtook us starting in 2009 or so has given many of us hope that men can get back to being men and women can return to their glorified place of being women. Love, pride (not the selfish kind, but the honorable kind), commitment, honor, loyalty, and merit. Those were once givens in our society. They eroded in the past couple of decades because we allowed ourselves to be manipulated away from the things we knew to be true and correct. Now, we’re seeing how bitter, hateful, and outraged the opponents to truth and right can be. But love and right are worth standing up for, and idiocy deserves to be fought vigorously. Without shame or embarrassment.
I make no apologies for being a Christian.
I make no apologies for being married to the same woman for almost 47 years.
I make no apologies for confessing that we were both virgins when we married.
I make no apologies that – because of my faith – I choose not to drink alcohol, gamble, or be promiscuous.
I don’t care that others have made fun of my stance against alcohol or drugs or illicit sex. The mocking doesn’t bother me.
I don’t care that others think putting their wives on display is better than my dedication to putting my wife on a pedestal.
I learned as a kid the value of zigging when others are zagging. If you’re devoted to truth and right, you’ll be swimming against the tide. Sadly.
When men are fascinated with their wives and maintain or grow that fascination over time, it’s not normal. It should be.
When wives respect and let their husbands lead, it’s not normal. It should be.
When husbands love their wives, as Christ so loved the Church.
Ephesians 5:24-26 “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”Some truths are hard. Worth it and doable, but hard.Loving my wife isn’t hard. Never has been.
I know, I know. Getting it right – marrying the right person – is monumental! I got it right.
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Let’s discuss some important words:
Regrets
Wondering
Wholesome
Sacrifice
Restraint
Self-Control
Struggle
Discipline
They all can help us understand and practice wholesomeness.
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Show notes? Nah. You don’t need ’em. Not for this episode.
Enjoy!
Randy
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Today’s episode is about something we’ve all experienced, often without realizing it at the time: not knowing you’re in trouble.
Not because you didn’t see the warning signs—but because you couldn’t, or maybe you wouldn’t. Pride, foolishness, selfishness—they can all blind us. And sometimes, the most dangerous trouble is the kind we don’t know we’re in.
Important link: Let The Bible Speak YouTube Channel
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Your Story Is Their InheritanceWhy documenting your life may be the most powerful gift you leave behind
“When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground.” – African proverb
We spend our lives accumulating experiences, lessons, values, and insights — but how much of it do we pass on? Not the stuff — the stories. The moments. The decisions. The wisdom.
Your story is your legacy. And your family needs it more than you think.
Why Your Story MattersWe all come from a long line of stories, but too often they fade with time. Maybe your grandfather was a hard worker. Maybe your mother overcame something quietly heroic. Perhaps you have survived things your family doesn’t even know about.
When you document your story — even in bits and pieces — you create a bridge. A bridge between your past and their future. Between who you are and who they’re becoming.
And no, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Or polished. It just has to be yours.
What Your Family Will Miss If You Don’tWithout your voice, future generations may only have fragments:
- A photo with no context.
- A family name with no meaning.
- A vague sense that “Granddad was a good guy.”
But what if they could hear your words? Understand your decisions? Learn how you navigated heartbreak, failure, laughter, and faith?
What if they could know the real you?
That’s the kind of inheritance that lasts longer than money ever will.
How to Start Documenting Your Story (Without Getting Overwhelmed)You don’t have to write a memoir or produce a documentary. Start simple:
- Record 10-minute voice memos, sharing key moments
- Write short stories from your life in a journal
- Use prompts like: “What’s the hardest decision I ever made?” or “What do I want my grandchildren to know about love, work, or faith?”
- Create a timeline of your life’s major turning points
The key is to start. Perfection is not required. But your presence is.
This Isn’t Just About You — It’s About ThemSomebody in your family will face something you’ve already faced. They’ll need wisdom. They’ll crave connection. And when they find your words — your story — it will be like finding a flashlight in the dark.
And maybe, just maybe, your voice will speak into a moment you’ll never live to see… but your wisdom will.
That’s legacy.
And that’s leaning toward wisdom.
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Are you overwhelmed, overloaded, and constantly feeling behind? You’re not alone. Let’s explore the anxiety that comes from having too many responsibilities, too many projects, and too little clarity. Okay, more precisely, I’ll share with you my recurring sense of overwhelm in hopes it can help you with yours.
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I know, I’ve been a dog on a bone with this. Some might say, “You’re beating a dead horse!” Maybe. And maybe that’s the method to my madness in the past few episodes.
Do you know about the dead horse theory?
It’s had a long-standing place in management lore. It goes like this, according to the Internet.
The “Dead Horse Theory” is a satirical metaphor that illustrates how some individuals, institutions, or nations handle obvious, unsolvable problems. Instead of accepting reality, they cling to justifying their actions.
The core idea is simple: if you realize you’re riding a dead horse, the most sensible thing to do is dismount and move on.
However, in practice, the opposite often happens. Instead of abandoning the dead horse, people take actions such as:
• Buying a new saddle for the horse.
• Improving the horse’s diet, despite it being dead.
• Changing the rider instead of addressing the real problem.
• Firing the horse caretaker and hiring someone new, hoping for a different outcome.
• Holding meetings to discuss ways to increase the dead horse’s speed.
• Creating committees or task forces to analyze the dead horse problem from every angle. These groups work for months, compile reports, and ultimately conclude the obvious: the horse is dead.
• Justifying efforts by comparing the horse to other similarly dead horses, concluding that the issue was a lack of training.
• Proposing training programs for the horse, which means increasing the budget.
• Redefining the concept of “dead” to convince themselves the horse still has potential.
The Lesson:
This theory highlights how many people and organizations prefer to deny reality, wasting time, resources, and effort on ineffective solutions instead of acknowledging the problem from the start and making smarter, more effective decisions.
Today, let’s aim it at ourselves. Personally. Professionally. I encourage you to take it personally. Make it personal. Apply it. Learn from it. And lean toward wisdom.
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No notes today. No excuse. I’m just lazy today.
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When we learn that our behavior and choices belong entirely to us and are independent of what others do, it’s the road less traveled to becoming a better person. Rare are the people who have made up their minds to behave like that, likely because it demands a willingness to suffer wrong and move on to do what’s right. No matter what.
Self-discipline is at the heart of enduring suffering, sacrificing, exercising grace and gratitude. All hard things!
Easier things are becoming bitter, harboring resentment, and embracing a victim mentality. Hatred. Retribution. Payback. Those are all easy and require no self-control.
However, as is often the case, ease can be damaging over the long term. It makes us worse. It wrecks us. Refusing to put in the hard work of temperance ultimately comes at a high price over time.
Discipline sometimes has no involvement with others. For instance, about 3 weeks ago, I began mainly eating carnivore. I did it solely for myself, to feel better. I also hope to drop some unwanted weight, but that was secondary. Nobody else influenced my decision. I’m not doing it for anybody else. Self-discipline helps me improve my health and overall well-being.
Another area of self-discipline is spending. Since January, I’ve had some planned purchases to elevate my game as a content creator. Late last year, I made some purchases for items I’ve come to need. Much of it involves unsexing things, such as a network-attached storage (NAS) system that allows me to store large video files easily. I invested in a 4-bay device (that means I can load up four large hard drives that will work in unison). It wasn’t cheap.
I also invested in some software and other tools necessary for my current role as a content creator, producing three different shows, including this one. I started this journey around 1999, so it’s not how I started. I wouldn’t recommend spending a lot of money to start producing online content. That phone you carry around every day will do the job. I recently encouraged a friend to use his phone and a $150 wireless microphone setup, along with a cheap selfie stick tripod device. It’s a great way to start and can likely serve you well for years to come. Twenty-five years ago, that was NOT the case, so through the years, I’ve invested a significant amount of money in this craft. Until last year, that was all audio, too. New flash: audio is way cheaper than video! 😀
Spending on anything can get out of control. It requires discipline to avoid spending, especially overspending. I’ve hit my limit – planned or otherwise. Okay, I’ve almost hit it. I’ve two items on my list that I still need to purchase, both of which are equipment-related. The most expensive of them is a computer hub so I can more efficiently connect everything to my computer instead of having three different smaller hubs. It’s a device that wasn’t previously available due to technological limitations.
After that, I’m intentionally hitting the PAUSE button on spending because I’m going into full-blown saving mode. I’m approaching this with intention, a plan, and self-discipline, just as I do with my diet.
Teddy Swims was on Q with Tom Powers, a CBC production. Here’s the YouTube link.
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A few weeks ago, Megan Moroney was on The Bobby Bones Show. She’s an emerging country music star touring with Kenny Chesney. I only know that because I’ve seen snippets of their shows on social media. Not knowing who she is or anything about her, I trolled through a short clip of Bobby Bones’s interview with her. During the interview, Bobby asked her a question that prompted an answer we can all relate to, but here’s a young lady who seems to be breaking through country music in a BIG way. But that’s hardly the whole story.
For Megan, it was country music. For me, it’s currently two things: learning to play the guitar and starting a carnivore diet.
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Thanks for watching. If you choose to listen, thanks for that, too. Other than that, I’ve got nothing. The show speaks for itself. But here are the links I mentioned (and promised to share): LetTheBibleSpeak.tv
https://hotspringsvillageinsideout.com/a-champion-bull-rider-who-loves-to-cut-hair/
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I apologize for being absent lately. Let me explain.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
He asks me, "How do you measure success?"I have questions before I answer."Success in what?""Sales success is easy to measure. Serenity, not so much."Turns out he was focused on how I viewed MY success in general.Part of the challenge of measuring or defining success is the common disease of comparisonitis.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
It doesn't mean you're to blame. It means you accept responsibility for yourself—for your choices, decisions, behavior, reactions, feelings—and all the rest. I've yet to discover a downside.Mentioned in today's show:VIA SurveyPlease tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten: Uncommon Thoughts on Common Things by Robert Fulghum was published in 1986. It was quite the rage because it was filled with commonsense life maxims. I read it and appreciated the author's point that even children can (and should) learn how to behave toward others.We are almost 40 years later, and it seems like a prehistoric work of fiction. When I purchased this book, I had yet to turn 30. I had two small children and a wife I'd been married to for about nine years. Back then, the content was much less remarkable than it is today.I appreciated Mr. Fulghum's sentiment that kindness and courtesy are behaviors he learned as a small child, but that was then and now. When Fulghum grew up, parents trained children by providing guard rails, forbidding certain misbehavior, and encouraging proper behaviors. That's much less visible today.When I first read the book, I quickly realized that kindergarten didn't teach me these things, but my parents and older folks did. Increasingly, I realized they weren't teaching me some arbitrary rules they had constructed. Their training manual wasn't a book by some doctor or psychologist. They were using the Bible, the Word of God.The book focuses on fundamentals, such as the " golden rule," which originated in God's mind.John 13:34-35"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another".Matthew 7:12"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."I learned that at home while reading the Bible. I also learned it by attending worship services every Sunday, a day that was (and still is) referred to as "the Lord's Day." Of course, every day belongs to the Lord, but the day of worship is unique and set apart for public worship.Hebrews 10:25"Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day (of worship, Sunday) approaching."As an old man, I reflect on my training, and I've remained true to it because it was always based on the ultimate authority, God, and the Savior of all mankind, Jesus Christ. It wasn't just a group of old people who littered my life, nor was it just my mom or dad imposing their will. It was a pattern for living, trained into me by these people who loved me and wanted only my best.Over the years, I've leaned hard on the precepts and principles of my training and continued it. It didn't stop when I turned 18 or 21.The truth is, I made more dedicated, conscious efforts after I became an adult. I spent more hours studying and conversing with older mentors who continued my training. The foundation had been set, but the building didn't begin until I was an adult, out on my own. That's the litmus test for convictions - when you're on your own, no longer under the thumb of anybody else, and free to choose for yourself. When that time comes, what will you do? How will you behave?Honesty, truth, kindness, courtesy (and much more) were instilled when I was a child, but as an adult, many no longer make those choices. We justify our poor behavior, choosing to be victims of others or circumstances we don't think we deserve.I first saw deception at work on a stereo store showroom floor during my teen years. If a shopper was lied to about a piece of gear they considered, they might buy it. If you told the truth, they might not. My training and my conscience wouldn't let that happen. It became easier when I realized that telling the truth worked better than telling the lies I knew others were telling. It turns out that the truth always works best.Personality and communication play a role, but the truth and doing what's right aren't subjective to either one. I've learned that some people struggle to communicate cl...
I posted this on social media a few days ago.It's easy to desire improvement, but it's hard to change our habits to bring about improvement.Each year begins with the hope that 2025 will be better than 2024. Maybe it will. Maybe not.Our habits are going to determine it.These 2 sentences are true. Life bears witness to their validity.Links mentioned in today's show:• In Thy Paths, a YouTube playlist of sermons• A TV segment about why most New Year resolutions failPlease tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
Happy New Year, 2025!In the fall of 1997, I uploaded my first audio under the tagline "Leaning Toward Wisdom." It was my documentary, the journey of a 40-year-old dad desiring to pass along whatever lessons I might. Twenty-seven years later, I'm still unsure how successful the quest has been to lean more toward wisdom and away from foolishness. But life ain't over yet, so let the leaning (and learning) continue.Thank you for joining the journey. I hope it benefits you.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
It started with a voicemail from a client. His message said, "I've got a situation - a problem. I could use your advice. Call me back."The problem? A relationship. A couple of relationships. At some point during my questioning him, for my understanding, he stopped and said, "What I thought was the problem may not be the problem. Guess I'd better make sure I'm solving the right problem, huh?"That's solid insight - especially when it's a relationship problem.During the holiday season, relationships are often strained. It might be a good time to examine how we solve our relationship problems.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
"My ambition didn't allow me to fail," said Jack Barsky, an ex-KGB spy who was a sleeper agent in the United States.Barsky was quite successful in avoiding detection. Until he was, then no amount of ambition would prevent authorities from moving in. He stayed around his smart spots for years, navigating North American culture to spy for the Soviet Union and his faith in communism.Barsky might argue that over time, he learned how corrupt and wretched communism was - and how he had been brainwashed to think the pursuit of Utopian socialism was the ideal course of action. Armed with high intelligence, Barsky figured out the need for his smart spots to change, so he changed his mind to become politically a modern-day conservative.We usually think of being smart around spots regarding achievement in business or some other pursuit. Barsky reminds us that being smart around spots can - and probably should be mostly focused - on our learning ability. To see things more clearly. To remedy our delusions.Too few of us are geniuses; even genius has a severe downside. Sometimes, we can be too smart to be wise. We may even become stupid in our genius. I'm thinking of serial killers like Ted Bundy, reputed to be high-IQ individuals who arrogantly thought they were smarter than law enforcement. But they were caught by mostly average intelligent people who stayed focused around their spots of expertise and training. With enough time and sufficient clues to follow, law enforcement often (thankfully) figures it out. As we've all heard about criminal behavior, criminals must remain lucky daily, while law enforcement often just needs one moment of luck to capture them.Thankfully, most of us aren't Soviet (or even American) spies. Or criminals. We're just ordinary Joes and Janes going about our everyday lives. I've realized that it may be an act of genius to a) recognize our smart spots, b) stay around those smart spots, and c) understand if/when those smart spots disappear or change. All of it is hard. Thomas Watson's quote makes it sound far easier than it is. And given IBM's success, I have little doubt he mostly accomplished it.Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, is said to have this quote posted on his refrigerator..."To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”Perhaps Mr. Watson's quote and that quote attributed to philosopher and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson are consistent. But Emerson's quote sounds more difficult, doesn't it? Seems downright daunting!Truth is, life is daunting. Success is hard. Failure is harder! Choose your hard.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
https://randycantrell.com/inside-the-yellow-studio/The link above is a comprehensive list of the gear inside The Yellow Studio. Assume every link is an affiliate link.Ironically, I chose to make this an audio, not a video. Yes, that was intentional. I hope you'll click PLAY.It started in 1997. This podcast. It was a handheld Olympus digital recorder. No SD card. Just built-in memory. It was less than $100 and I'd been using it for a while to dictate work notes and ideas.Audio was easy. And cheap.Well, recording it was easy. Getting it online was a bit more cumbersome. Getting it off the Internet to listen was infinitely more difficult because we knew nothing of MP3, today's defacto standard audio file format. My digital recorder used some funky format, but it was still possible to hear it from a website with a domain name a foot long, comprised of a bunch of letters and numbers (a free web page that came with my Internet service provider - ISP - Flashnet). Somebody other than my family found it because my first email came from somebody in Sweden. It blew my mind.It was all done with a digital recorder, a dail-up modem, and an Internet connection. Add in a bit of rudimentary HTML skills, so I could build an ugly website, and you had the first iteration of Leaning Toward Wisdom. I dubbed it that because it was what I was trying to do - lean more toward wisdom and away from foolishness. I was 40 years old and that was 27 years ago.Within a few years, I got serious. I registered LeaningTowardWisdom.com and invested a few thousand dollars (okay, probably closer to three thousand) for a rack of equipment and a couple of Heil PR40 mics (an amateur radio operator friend recommended them). That was The Yellow Studio for many years, recording into a Mac computer using software I can't remember until I found Twisted Wave, a Mac audio recording/editing software recommended by a voiceover actor friend.I bumbled along for a few more years. My audio quality was a point of pride and I was regularly complimented for it thanks mostly to good room acoustics thanks to a ton of books AND to Aphex 230 voice processors (one for each mic, I had two). My broadcast workflow meant that whether I was on Skype (later Zoom) or recording, my audio quality was always the same.I went for years without investing anything more. That rack of gear and those two Heil microphones were stapmles inside The Yellow Studio for years. Audio was easy. And after that initial investment, cheap. The ongoing costs were maintaining domain names and website hosting (I hosted my own audio files for years before learning I should get a media host). Eventually, I found MapleGrove Partners thanks to a buddy, Jim Collison. They would host my site and my media files because they're podcast-friendly like that. But beyond that, I had no real costs.People entered podcasting trying to figure out how to do it as cheaply as possible and I never understood it. I don't hunt. Or fish. Or bowl. Or golf. I don't collect anything (well, I once collected books...but only to read). I had no hobbies except this. That's still the case. Buddies who were into all of those things (and more) would regularly spend hundreds or thousands of dollars every year. Most of them weren't wealthy. They were just ordinary guys who enjoyed whatever they were in to. They didn't think twice about investing in hobbies they loved. I loved podcasting and I had saved for a good while before buying my initial setup. Admittedly, I made a sizeable investment, but it was calculated, planned and well thought out. It stood the test of time, too. I produced untold podcast episodes with that rig.Then Rode, an Australian company, bought Aphex, the makers of my favorite vocal strips, responsible for how my podcast sounded. It didn't affect me...until it did. Around 2019, Rode introduced a mixer with Aphex technology built in. Wait a minute, what?
Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm—but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.- a line in the T.S. Elliot play, The Cocktail PartyIt's another episode of Free Form Friday for October 11, 2024. Enjoy.Links:Hot Springs Village Inside Out, the podcast - HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com Barry Switzer article at EPSNPlease tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
“It's a bizarre but wonderful feeling, to arrive dead center of a target you didn't even know you were aiming for.”― Lois McMaster BujoldSerendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. --- Lawrence BlockTravel light and trust in serendipity. --- Mike BrownUntil one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.Stories abound of people pursuing one thing and stumbling onto something else. Something better. It's likely happened to you, too.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
John Newton said, “I am not the man I ought to be, I am not the man I wish to be. I am not the man I hope to be. But by the grace of God, I am not the man I used to be”.
He was a slavery abolitionist who had once been a slave trader. Perhaps that context provoked his statement.
I can’t fully relate to the first 3 statements in the quote…
I’m not the man I ought to be.
I’m not the man I wish to be.
I’m not the man I hope to be.
Not because I’m perfect, but because I’m dedicated to improvement. My own.
Most of the time I am the man I ought to be because a) I know what kind of man I ought to be and b) I work to be that man. More easily, I know the man I wish to be and I’m working to be that man. Ditto for the man I hope to be. For me, the terms “ought,” “wish,” and “hope” are all synonymous, but ought is the most important one.
How do YOU determine what “ought” means? What’s it based on?
Mine is based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We all need a standard, some measurement against which we can examine ourselves.
I heard a city councilman on a YouTube video about a horrible drug scene in a major U.S. city remark on how addicts needed faith. Asked if he meant faith in God, he replied that to beat addiction – something he had done himself (he wasn’t the man he once was) – a person needed to believe in something bigger than themselves. For many, it is God. Since God is THE supreme being without a peer, it makes logical sense that it should be God.
But the term “ought” means more than having faith in something. It means having something to serve as a standard for your life. Life is filled with standards. They serve us daily.
Time has a standard. Every minute has 60 seconds. Every hour has 60 minutes. Every day has 24 hours. Every week has seven days.
Measurements have standards. One gallon contains 128 ounces. We pump a gallon of gas in our cars with some assurance that we’re getting a full gallon and not something else because the government inspects gasoline pumps to ensure they’re accurate.
These two examples occupy all of our daily lives. Without them, life would be much more chaotic.
Without standards imagine how crazy our houses would look. With no standard of measurement to follow all construction would be ridiculous.
Some try to convince us that we can establish our own rules of conduct. You get to decide what’s right for you. What you “ought” to do. And that might be very different from what I “ought” to do. But that defies the whole point of a standard, an authority.
How about I decide that a gallon of gasoline isn’t 128 ounces? It’s 150 ounces. Ridiculous! Nobody would accept my personalized “standard.” Rightly so because it’s not a standard. It’s an arbitrary desire.
And that’s what is happening today, stretched to the point of being ridiculous. The Bible contains the truth of how humans have always tried to behave when they don’t want to recognize God’s higher authority, which always has mankind’s best interest.
“Every man did that which was right in his own eyes,” Judges 21:25. It speaks of ancient Israel who rebelled against Jehovah because they did what they wanted and called it “right.” Calling it “right” or what we “ought” to do doesn’t make it so. Not unless we’re the standard bearer and in matters of right, truth, and morality…we’re not the standard. If we were then societies that once sacrificed children in the fire to false gods would have been approved. Nazi Germany would be free from condemnation because in their eyes, they saw it as “right.” No, there’s got to be some standard recognized as the authority. It’s God Almighty.
Despite modern culture’s refusal to acknowledge, much less follow, God’s standard, mankind must accept all the visible, scientific, and written testimony of God’s existence and rule. Man or woman. Boy or girl. I’m taking off on John Newton’s quote only because like him, I’m a man. It would equally apply to a woman, boy or girl. Insert the one that properly fits you. No, I don’t mean the one you identify as being. That’s tantamount to saying you think a gallon is 150 ounces, not 128. Think what you will, but you’ll be wrong.
How do I know what man I ought to be? Because I listen to and strive to obey God. God tells me in His Word what kind of man I should be. For example, in Ephesians 5 I can read about how I ought to behave toward my wife. I can measure what God says against what I’m doing. By examining myself in light of what I read, I can tell if I’m hitting the mark. Or not.
Standards. Authority. Submission.
These are the things of “ought.” They determine wishes and hopes. They also determine what once was and what is, too.
You get to choose the standards that will govern your life.
For me, it’s important that the standards be true and the consequences or rewards are established. I’ve known people who believed that the ends justify the means. So if gaining money was the desired end, it didn’t matter much the means as long as it was legal. But sometimes even questionably legal strategies might be employed if the reward was high enough. At other times compromise became easy when the dollars were high enough.
Self-regulation and self-restraint may not be part of the standards you choose. I’ve found that’s a mistake if we want to live our best life. It’s fraught with increasing selfishness that wrecks relationships, careers, and lives. Such is the life of people who follow their desires no matter what.
Self-Discipline Is Required To Be The Man I Ought To Be
October begins a “no spend month.” That means all those budgeted line item expenses sans the deposable expenses like clothes, gear, gear accessories, dining out, books, or anything else. I’ve set October aside as one month where I’m going to amplify my self-discipline in the single (but big) area of spending. I may extend it beyond October, highly likely.
Such a thing seems innocuous, but it’s an important exercise because it requires temperance (self-control). I need to work on my self-discipline muscles by using them with more intensity and vigor. We both know how it’ll go (I’ve done it before so I’ve got some historical proof). Week one will require some focus. Week two will require less focus. By week three it’ll become easier and by the end of the month, I’ll push forward with the notion of keeping it going. The game changes to see how long I can keep it going.
The rewards? More money in our bank account or savings account. Greater focus against frivolous or unnecessary spending. Growth in my efforts toward practical minimalism. Discipline that is likely to filter into other areas of my life.
The downsides? Depriving myself. The irony is self-deprivation is THE biggest reward. There is no downside to the exercise.
Learning To Adapt Is The Path Toward Personal Growth (Improvement)
Learning is a discipline. Learning itself is a learned behavior that requires focus, practice, and figuring it out.
Life is largely about figuring it out, and then assessing how we’re doing so we can figure it out again. That’s why life is such a rinse-and-repeat process. Rarely do we figure things out, then set it and forget it. External and internal forces often alter our results. We change. Life’s circumstances change. Forcing us to adapt if we want to continue making progress.
Whenever we refuse to adapt we call it “being stuck.” It’s the refusal or inability to adapt. In short, it’s a lack of learning that sticks us.
Lack of self-awareness is the major constraint. Not knowing what we should know. Not seeing ourselves accurately.
“I know, I know,” is the common refrain of teens worldwide. When in truth, they don’t know. They just don’t want to hear somebody tell them. Do that in adulthood at your peril. Refuse to see what you don’t know while whistling in the dark, “I know, I know” and you’ll escape being your best.
We have to be responsible for ourselves. It’s not a blame thing. Who cares who or what is to blame? The real issue is, “Now what?”
To learn, grow, and improve we must accept responsibility for our behavior, habits, focus, and outcomes.
Avoid those and there won’t be learning, growth, or improvement.
We get to decide, but if wisdom (learning, growth, improvement) is the goal – and it is – then we must stop lying to ourselves. Consider a few important factors. Accepting responsibility is primary. Without it, we’re hopeless to get better.
We must commit to living based on evidence. Not false evidence, but real evidence. We can think we know based on facts, but when we step back and look at more critically, we may see we’re looking at what we imagine, or what we fear. For example, a friend sends a text, “We need to talk.” What evidence do you have to alert you about the subject or tone of this meeting? None. That’s the truth. But many people will immediately see, as evidence, that this is going to be a confrontational meeting. They’ll prepare, mentally/emotionally, to enter a confrontation even though they have no evidence. They think the worst. Now, the meeting happens and the friend confesses that their marriage is crumbling and they wanted to make sure you learned of this directly from them. Remember, F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Appearing real doesn’t make it real. Don’t be fooled.
The more uncomfortable it may be, the more you’d better stop and consider it. Self-deception reigns largely because none of us enjoy facing the most uncomfortable truths about ourselves. That’s where the value is though, facing those uncomfortable truths that show us our weaknesses, flaws, and areas of greatest opportunities. Remember, in those uncomfortable truths is where are biggest opportunities abound. It’s our job to embrace them so we can get better.
How much do you want it? Only those who want to learn, grow and improve do. It’s an intentional act taken only by determined people. Even then, it’s hard work. So don’t fool yourself into thinking the lazy, unfocused, procrastinators can accomplish it. They can’t. Your willingness to change (grow) is fully in your power. You must want the ideal outcome more than you want to avoid the discomfort of facing reality – and the discomfort of putting in the work.
Who surrounds you? When you’re striving to be who you ought to be, not everybody is worthwhile. It may require you to end some relationships. People who don’t want your best are dangerous. They can appear like friends, but those who encourage poor behavior, and selfish actions (I.E. “You deserve to be happy!”) can wreck your commitment to grow. Be careful to avoid surrounding yourself with cheerleaders who encourage you to lean away from wisdom, self-sacrifice, purity, holiness, righteousness and being your best. Instead, lean into others who are pursuing the same growth goals you are – and who want you to be your best while they’re trying to be their best. Birds of a feather and all that.
Be kind to yourself during the process. Successful self-improvement isn’t built on self-flagellation. Berating yourself, even when you mess up, isn’t going to help. Yes, be quick to acknowledge your lapses, errors or failures, but then do something to fix them. The Bible calls it repentance. It’s a change of direction. Turning away. Not going back. So when you fail, acknowledge it (the Bible calls it confession), then change your behavior or actions so you don’t repeat it.
These are just a few things we must consider as we journey toward becoming a better version of ourselves.
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I learned early in sports that to be effective – for a player to play the best he can play – is a matter of concentration and being unaware of distractions, positive or negative. -Tom Landry
Distractions destroy…
- Creativity
- Productivity
- Efficiency
- Accomplishment
- Love
- Contentment
- Relationships
- SUCCESS
- HIGHER ACHIEVEMENT
Distractions embraced equals selfishness. Colossal selfishness. Because it’s pride that drives us to distraction.
Past beliefs about yourself won’t carry you into the future.
Side hustles became a phrase and thing over 70 years ago, but I suppose there’s always been moonlighting. That is, going to work, getting off work, then going to another job, even if it’s part-time. Today, in 2024 the side hustle isn’t what it was – a way to supplement income so you could feed your family. Now, it’s an income-producing hobby, often called a passion project, indicating it’s something the person claims to love. Presumably more than they love the thing that earns them the biggest chunk of their income.
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – James Clear
Others have replaced “systems” with “training.”
Probably more true – you don’t rise to the level of your goals, but you fall to the level of your habits.
That and more on this episode of a “free form Friday” show!
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“It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.” -Ella Harper
Mutually desired relationships are likely going to include some heartbreak. I’ve had my heart broken. I’m certain I’ve broken a heart, too. Not like you’re thinking – I’m hardly a heartbreaker! But I do have the ability, like all of us, to hurt or injure somebody I care about.
Sometimes the heartbreak is because of loss. Like when I lost Rocky and Rosie to old age. These two White West Highland Terriers were fixtures in our lives for the better part of 16 years. Rocky passed first. I was heartbroken. Rosie passed and I was wrecked. They didn’t do that to me. Losing them did.
Husbands can break their wives’ hearts. Wives can break their husbands’ hearts.
Friends can break each others’ hearts.
Partners and co-workers can, too.
Let’s discuss this topic just a bit. Mostly, we’ll get our toes wet and contemplate how to improve avoiding hurting those we care about most.
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H is for home. Since last year, for the first time in our lives, we have split our time between two homes, both starting with “H.” Hurst, Texas, and Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. But last night we spent a night in another “H” home – Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas.
Yes, we had a good reason. When you’re having knee surgery and your bedroom is upstairs…you improvise. That meant finding a local hotel for at least one night to avoid the staircase. Enter Holiday Inn Express at 820 Thousand Oaks Drive, Hurst, Texas – mere miles away.
It all began when I was told I’d be on crutches at least for the first day following having my knee scoped. I hopped on one of those online find-a-hotel websites. How often do you search for a hotel in the city where you live? Me? Never. I was looking for location, reviews, and pricing. There were several hotels in the area where I was looking. All of them were close to the highway, which would be necessary because I had work the next day and wanted to be able to jump on the highway quickly. My wife chauffering me.
I read a few reviews and settled on the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. My surgery was in another DFW suburb, Southlake. But I wanted to be back in the Hurst area #TexasHome. Besides, it was mere seconds from the highway I needed for the following morning. The accommodations were ideal: king bed, mini frig, microwave, desk, sofa and coffee table, walk in shower (one of those kind without any door), and breakfast starting at 6:30 am. I booked it for one night, paying a few bucks extra for the right to cancel it and get a full refund – just in case my surgeon had to change my schedule (he didn’t).
Check in was 4 pm. Ok, no problem maybe I can check in early if necessary.
I get all those usual pre-surgery calls you get. You answer a million questions and they confirm a schedule. Then days later they may change the schedule, pushing the surgery up or back. Mine was pushed up slightly. “Check in by 7:15 am,” they said. Okay. I’m thinking check-in at the hotel is 4 pm. That’s gonna be a problem because I’m likely going to be awake and checked out of the surgical center by 11 am. So I call the hotel directly.
Let me introduce you to Susan Watts-Martinez, General Manager of the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. She answered the phone patiently listening to my dilemma. She looked up my reservation, noticing I booked it through an online website. She confirmed I had booked a king room. “I’m happy to pay a little extra to check in early,” I said. “No problem, I can take care of you, Mr. Cantrell,” she assured me.
This was a couple of weeks in advance of my surgery so she made notes in their system that I’d need a room ready to go before noon. Yes, I told her I was coming there following surgery in Southlake. “We’ll take good care of you,” said Susan. “Just call us that morning. I’ll be here by 7:30 am. That way we’ll make sure your room is ready.” I thanked her and thought no more about it.
Until we checked in.
As I crutched my way into the lobby Susan came outside and said, “Randy?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Enjoy your stay and we hope you have a speedy recovery,” she said.
I thanked her and went inside making my way to the first room on the first floor, just past the front desk and workout room. Convenient and a short amble down the hall.
We enter the room and straight away I notice on the coffee table a bundle of homemade chocolate chip cookies and two bottles of water with the above note sitting nearby.
Handwritten Note From Holiday Inn Express, Hurst, Texas“Look at this, “I said to my wife. We remarked how nice that was, then I noticed a large white gift bag with a black ribbon tying the handles together.
“What’s this?” I asked.
I opened it and found a new 50″ x 70″ gray chenille throw.
50″ x 70″ gray chenille throwI immediately unpacked it and laid down on the bed on top of the covers noting how hard it would be to maneuver under the sheets having just endured. For context, you should know Rhonda (my wife) made me a fleece blanket that I usually take with me on trips. I had lamented that I didn’t have that with me. It was left at our house in Arkansas. This gift from Susan and the Holiday Inn Express staff was perfect because I was already thinking, “It’s gonna be easier for me to sleep on top of the bed.”
As I checked out the next day I approached Susan and asked if we could take the picture with whatever staff members were available. Susan quickly gathered the troops and here they are. Here we are! That’s Susan on the far right. SA-LUTE!
The HIE Staff in Hurst, TexasThese folks are extraordinary!
They could have just gone through the motions. I’m nobody special. They had no idea I had a website, a podcast, or such a loud mouth to bally-hoo customer experience!
I happily call out superior service. I’m also quite willing to call out awful service.
Hotels can universally do better. Susan’s team proves it. Susan, as a leader, proves it. I don’t know Susan, but based on my single night stay at her hotel I know she made up her mind to lead a high-performing team intent on delivering the best guest experience possible. Keep in mind, that we’re not talking about a luxury brand hotel. This isn’t the Ritz. It’s not a $ 500-a-night hotel. Proof that excellent service isn’t the protected domain of luxury or exclusive brands!
I slept in a Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas last night. And it was following knee surgery so I wasn’t feeling 100%. But I was happy I decided to because Susan and her team did an outstanding job making me comfortable, welcomed and appreciated. Remember, I was only there one night. These people understand the power of doing for some what you can’t do for everybody…but more importantly, they understand that you can go above and beyond for everybody. And they do!
If you ever need a hotel room anywhere in the Mid-Cities area of Dallas/Ft. Worth…be sure you book a room at the Holiday Inn Express at 820 Thousand Oaks Drive, Hurst, Texas 76054. Call them at (817) 427-1818. Tell them I sent you, even though it won’t matter! They’ll roll out the proverbial red carpet for you anyway.
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Let’s define “partner” broadly. It could be a spouse, a business associate, a legal partnership, an informal collaboration, a co-worker, or something else. In short, it’s a joint venture of some sort. You get to define it the way that best suits you.
My first partnerships were likely being a sibling to my sister who is 6 years older. We may have been too far apart in age to be a real partnership, but aren’t all kids with brothers and sisters partners in some sense? I watch my grandkids and it seems not much has changed. As children, we had to learn to get along, work together, protect, and support each other. Okay, maybe there were some fights along the way, too.
Once I got into school I’d often be teamed up with other students for projects. Mostly, I remember doing bulletin boards or something creative. The teacher would assign one or more people to me to produce something. It was my first real experience with frustration in a creative endeavor. I’ve thought about it often – how early on I should have known I needed to be more discriminating in the ideal partner. Or to consider whether or not I even need or want one.
Through the years one phrase has captured my biggest challenge: being like-minded.
That doesn’t mean seeing everything identically. Nor does it mean coming to the same conclusion. I’ve wrestled with this notion all my life, attempting to distill the meaning of “being like-minded.” Maybe there’s a better way to figure it out, but my approach was to identify the source of my frustrations. What is driving me crazy and why? It always comes down to, “Is it me, or is it them?” That leads to wrestling with whether or not it’s going to require compromise to lower quality. To lower the expectation. To accept good enough. To avoid reaching for something better.
By the time I reached junior high, I knew I was cursed. There would never be a way out. So I started looking for some way forward. It didn’t often happen so I learned to pursue things by myself if the thing was important to me. Think school projects.
I had close friends. I had many more friendly acquaintances. I enjoyed being amongst friends. Humor and sarcasm were constant common denominators. But when it came to getting things accomplished, I was sober-minded. Serious. Maybe to a fault. A few people who didn’t know me misinterrupted my introversion and seriousness for conceit. But that was never the issue because I never esteemed myself better than anybody else, albeit I did frequently think, “I wouldn’t do that” when watching somebody make a foolish choice. I was compliant listening to teachers and parents. Mostly doing what I was told, behaving and always mindful of the situation. I was a noticer which made it easier to avoid problems, easier to read people, but impossible to avoid noticing. As a result, my inner signal-to-noise ratio has never been great. When you notice everything you learn to discriminate between the two, but it’s important to distinguish between what you think you’re noticing and true evidence. As a young adult, I began to seriously learn what I termed evidence-based intuition. Gut feel is terrific when you notice everything, but it’s not error-free, even if it is mostly accurate. Pile on some questions that force you to consider what you know to be true, and the accuracy gets closer to perfect. I’ve now practiced that for over 40 years and I’m still working on it.
The context matters lest you think I’m just a wild contrarian. I’m not. But I’m driven by accomplishment, not ambition. They can look similar, but the difference is selfishness. Credit. Glory. Honor. I don’t much care about any of those. I care about the final product. I care about the conquest. Today, I often use the metaphor of “taking the hill.” I’m driven to take the hill in the best method possible. The challenge, struggle and adversity provide the juice. Otherwise, everybody would be taking the hill. But not everybody does. And that excites me.
Enter the problem. Those who say they too would like to take the hill, but don’t seem to display the stuff required to achieve it. Or to achieve it as efficiently. Or to be dragged along by the momentum of others so they can also experience the hill top. I’ve never had patience with such people.
Two things erupted early in childhood about such people (again, think school projects). I remember so many classroom bulletin boards or door decorations that drove me nuts. I’m assigned, with two other students, to decorate the classroom door for the holidays. We brainstorm some ideas and immediately it’s evident my cohorts just want to get past this assignment. Me? I want the output to be awesome – the best in the building. So right off the bat I now know I’ve got two passengers willing to never put their oars in the water as we paddle hard toward producing a great door decoration. But I’m stuck. Never mind that I often would ask – and be granted permission – to just do it by myself. It had nothing to do with not wanting to work alongside others. It had everything to do with wanting to avoid lowering the standard of creating a dynamite door decoration.
Listen, I wasn’t some nose-to-the-grindstone kid. I slacked off as much as anybody looking for shortcuts while procrastinating all along the way. But when it came to producing something creative, my brain entered a difference gear. It was completely unintentional. It’s like some auto-pilot feature kicked in that said, “Let’s make this as good as it can be.” And rarely was I tethered to anybody who felt the same way. It was true then. It’s been true ever since.
That’s why I started aiming at only helping high-performers some years ago. After serving people who had that “it’s good enough” mentality I quit. I quit trying to help them. It was too frustrating. Besides, they didn’t accept the challenge to be better.
Try to help a business owner improve his marketing and pricing, things that will drop to the bottom line quickly. Demonstrate that his pricing is more than 25% lower than he can easily get if he’ll only ask. Do that by making sales at the higher rate. Do it again. And again. And fight him every inch of the way to elevate his customer service so he can continue to raise his prices. Battle him so long you’re exhausted pushing water up a hill (my metaphor for futility) and you’ll have some idea of my frustration.
Work with a business owner on reaching new heights of success by challenging how things have always been done. Challenge to think about what might be possible. Not guaranteed, but maybe (just maybe) possible. Then fight to help her see what could be only to realize she won’t, or can’t.
For me, there’s always a bigger hill worth taking. And ways to take it better. The excitement, fun and exhilaration come in pushing to see if we can’t do this better. And not just better than anybody else, but far better! I remember challenging grade school classmates that somebody is going to produce the best-decorated door in school (maybe there was a contest, I don’t remember because that didn’t much matter to me – my success was never reliant on somebody else’s approval)…it may as well be US.
I’m not a good partner for very many. Not when it comes to getting something done. I know that about myself. I’ve always known that. This has nothing to do with teamwork. Teamwork excites me. Challenging willing people to achieve something together that none of us could alone is a magical experience. However, the driftwood (low performers) on a team frustrates me because I know the damage inflicted on the rest of us. That drove me to pursue leadership in business where I could better serve those of us driven to do our best. I craved being the boss for that very reason. Thankfully, early in my career I got the chance and was able to prove to myself that putting a focus on helping high-performers worked. It always worked. And getting low-performers off the roster as quickly as possible, that always worked. Always.
That context isn’t the same as being tied to a person, or maybe two, who just don’t care as much as you do. Or being tied to people who aren’t as capable. Two major factors bubbled up over time: capability and caring. Sometimes I found myself shackled to some idiot who just couldn’t do it. Worse yet, was being tied to somebody who could do it, but didn’t care enough to. Either way, the outcome was awful. As a boss with employees, I was constantly working to determine which is it? If it’s capacity, can I do something to improve that? If YES, then what can I do and how much am I’m willing to do? If NO, then the game is over. If they don’t care, I used to spend time attempting to persuade people to care, but I soon gave up that pursuit because I was never able to figure out how I could do that. I respected everybody’s ability to decide for themselves, but it didn’t mean I had to have them on my roster. So I hit the eject button hoping they might find a team where they could care. Where they could perform better.
Partnerships are different animals. They’re more mutual. More equal. Even if there’s some authority hierarchy they just feel and behave differently because they’re more intimate. A marriage partnership is the most intimate of them. A business partnership is a different kind of intimacy, but for some (I don’t condone this) it’s even more important than a marriage.
I’ve been married to one girl since 1978. We first dated when we were 18 and since then there’s never been anybody else. For either of us. I’m not a perfect husband. She’s not a perfect wife. We’re good for each other though. Sometimes we even have brief moments of being great for one another. There are many mistakes we can make as mates to ruin or wreck our marriage partnerships. Most of us married folk could make more than a handful before lunch!
Here are five mistakes that have made – and currently make – people bad partners for me and ways to avoid them. Hint: the best way to avoid them is to avoid people prone to making these mistakes, but sometimes we don’t know that until we experience it. An ounce of prevention and all that!
First, thinking only or mostly about yourself is a mistake.
Don’t consider the other person. Be wrapped up in what you most want. Take square aim at getting only what you need from the partnership. All the other mistakes are some form of this first big mistake.
Focus on what the others in the partnership can do for you. Impose on them. Don’t be considerate of their time or effort. And never, ever think about yourself as any of those things – imposing or inconsiderate.
Avoiding this “mistake” isn’t easy because self-centered people mostly aren’t able (or willing) to think about others. Selfishness is their way of life, but to them, it’s not selfishness. Many of them think they’re quite compassionate and altruistic. Perhaps our first mistake should be delusion, not self-centeredness. 😉
Second, being a poor listener is a partnership mistake.
My lengthy preamble demonstrates a fundamental weakness I have. Paying attention isn’t tough for me. Don’t get me wrong – I can be distracted. Mostly, I can be preoccupied, which causes me to not be as present sometimes. When I’m in a conversation 1:1 in a partnership setting though…I mostly am able to be in the moment and pay close attention. Tone. Words. Body language. Meaning. I’m watching closely so I can understand. If I’m not sure about my understanding, I’m going to ask questions until I do.
When I struggle to listen:
a. The conversation is unimportant (small talk)
b. The person is uninteresting
c. The person is verbose, filled with extraneous details
d. The person is evasive, not open and putting on a front
e. When I don’t care
The partnership can be important, but the conversation may not be. That’s hard for me.
Cues matter. Avoid cues by neglecting to listen and it’ll demonstrate you don’t care about your partner.
The best way to avoid this is to care about your partner and the partnership. Care enough to pay attention.
Third, ignore your partner’s frustrations (or preferences). That’s a mistake.
We all express displeasure. Sometimes we do it with precision, but mostly we do it more subtly. I’m direct. Not blunt (usually), but direct. I view communication as a relay racer carrying the baton. I want to make sure when I hand off the baton that it’s securely in possession of the person with whom I’m communicating. It’s my responsibility to make sure they get it.
Recently I outlined a three-step process to fix a problem a “partner” and I were experiencing. We discussed it. I wrote it down and shared it. It was acknowledged, but ignored. Frustration ensued. Honestly, it’s a result of the other mistakes I’ve listed, too. And if it weren’t for some other positives that outweigh the behavior that drives me crazy, I’d split. But I stick with it hoping I can influence some growth and improvement. I’m hard-headed like that.
Remedy: acknowledge your partner’s preferences or frustrations. But more importantly, demonstrate that you care enough to do something about them, to whatever degree you can.
For example, after almost 47 years of marriage, my wife and I have a pretty good idea about what frustrates us and our preferences. I love fried catfish and fried okra. She doesn’t much care for either one. I’m mindful of that and seldom suggest dining at a place that offers no alternatives. I don’t want her to choke down something she doesn’t enjoy. A better solution is to find someplace where we can both be satisfied.
We could consider numerous behaviors that wreck partnerships. There are likely hundreds of nuanced behaviors, but it seems to me they all stem from one issue, pride. Self.
During his recruitment of the men who became His Apostles, the Lord admonished them, “Deny yourself. Take up your cross (of self-denial) and follow me.”
Stand up for yourself in partnerships or you’ll get completely run over. People will take over your idea, lower or change your standards, and make your life miserable if you let them. Not because they’re bad people, but because they care more about themselves than you. And while you certainly must care about yourself and your goals, you can still consider and defer to others in the process. Acquiescing to others isn’t a 100% of the time thing.
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It starts with an innocuous request, but you notice it’s not a request as much as information — or a subtle command. The person on the other end of the phone is telling you what they’re going to do. The problem is that it involves having you do something for them. Something you never agreed to, and something that is an imposition. Worse yet, it’s not a close family member. We’re mostly ready, willing, and sometimes able to serve our immediate family members with requests that seem otherwise loaded with gall. 😉
Not so this time. This is a friend. I use that term very loosely. The friend is just calling to inform you of what you’ll be doing for them because they need it and expect it. No questions are asked. No consent is offered on your part because it’s just not necessary. This “friend” has called with 100% expectation that you’ll meet their need.
There’s not the obligatory, “Would you…?” or “Could you…?” They don’t even ask how you’re doing, or if you’re up to your ears in your issues. The tone in their voice tells you that they know you have nothing going on nearly as important as what they’ve got going on.
Or, it’s the person who invariably calls you with instant ramblings of something only within seconds (or a few minutes at most) of telling you they need to go because they’ve: a) got another incoming call, b) got another call they need to make or c) got something pressing they must do. Translation: I called you because it was important for me to tell you this thing (which is NEVER important at all, or even substantial)…but now that I’ve told you, I have no further need for you.
In recent months several close friends lament how often they get such calls. I listen intently to these stories, growing increasingly shocked at the audacity people display toward “friends.” Each time I’ve repeated one story that happened to me over 20 years ago when a “toxic” friend asked me to do something professionally for him. I was home nursing fever and nausea at the time, but I got out of bed, dressed up, and attended a business meeting to help him out. I’ll spare you the details except to tell you it was the last time I ever did anything for him. Instead, a few months later I made up my mind to rid myself of as many of the toxic people in my life as possible. He was first on the list.
All take, no give – that’s the best phrase I know of to describe toxic people who are always imposing on you without any regard for what may be happening in your life. And while I’m happily telling you that you should learn to say, “NO!” to them so you can say “Yes!” to better people – that’s not the point of today’s show. But it could be. People matter. Good people matter to help us. Bad people matter because they damage us. That makes it urgent for us to figure out when to say no so we can say yes.
But I’m thinking more about creative endeavors. Particularly, podcasts and content (whether it’s writing, audio or video). I’m thinking of the YES that first requires a NO. Mostly, I’m thinking about my consumption and creation. On one hand, I’m the audience. On another, I’m the creator. So what’s the difference? And how does saying NO so we can say YES play into it all?
Let’s try to figure it out.
I’m asking for a favor that I hope is NOT an imposition. Email me your feedback about this podcast to RandyCantrell@gmail.com
I want to make Leaning Toward Wisdom more impactful – more meaningful – for YOU. I don’t quite know how to best do that, but I have a high degree of willingness.
Mostly, I want to say NO to whatever devalues this podcast for you so I can say YES to whatever might make Leaning Toward Wisdom serve you better!
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Well, it’s not true that how you do anything is how you do everything, but still I’m rather fond of the concept because it works. For instance, do you step over things that need to be picked up? I don’t mean snotty tissues or other debris that might be a campground for all kinds of filth. Say you’re out walking on a trail and you see a discarded soda can. Do you pick it up or leave it? Some would pick it up and others wouldn’t. There’s also a 3rd group – those who don’t see it. Or don’t care.
People who notice seem to always notice.
People who pick up things seem always to pick up things.
People who don’t pick up something seem never to pick up things.
I’ve found this to be mostly — true.
I pick things up. But not every time. Some nasty-looking tissue is likely going to remain as I walk past it. The place matters, too. If I’m on a busy sidewalk I won’t pick up a gum wrapper, much less a snotty tissue. In that context, I’m not likely going to stop to pick up anything other than something valuable or something a person may have dropped. Still, how you do anything tends to be how you do everything. But that’s not as powerful a phrase.
Social media (mostly) has taught me I have a horrible deficiency. Okay, it’s taught me I have many horrible deficiencies with this one included – I don’t foster controversy. I’m not polarizing. Absolutes are powerful because they’re polarizing and that gets attention. I don’t clamor for or yearn for attention. Yes, I want the attention of some to listen to this podcast – and the other podcasts I produce. Yes, I want people to read, or at least scroll through, things I write. Yes, I want people to gain something from the sermons I preach and all the other content I produce – which means first, they have to pay some attention. For me, the context is always the message though. The thought. The question. Provoking thought in hopes our thoughts will drive us to change, grow, and improve. For the past few decades, I’ve been fixated on improving my ability to figure things out and finding ways to help others do the same.
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Bariatric surgeries have increased over 500% since 1998.Bariatric surgeries have exploded (that might not be the proper verb) in recent years. Part of the reason is the improved technologies to make it “minimally invasive,” but I think it’s primarily because people want a fast, easy fix. And now add a new found popularity of drugs like Ozempic ® making weight-loss even easier.
Everybody wants fast and easy. Nobody prefers slow and hard. But there are some things where slow and hard provide a value not found in fast and easy.
After a round of NFL playoffs games as the 2023/2024 season was winding down I heard a coach say something I’ve heard before, but something I hadn’t heard in awhile. He remarked that great football teams do the hard things really well. For months I’ve thought about it even though I instantly knew he was right. There’s beauty and wisdom in the struggle. Never mind that we don’t always enjoy it. It benefits us.
There’s that old tale of a man watching a caterpillar struggle to escape its cocoon. Figuring he’d make it easier for the butterfly to emerge he got a pair of scissors and snipped parts of the cocoon. Minutes later some creature not even resembling a butterfly escaped the cocoon. Turns out by making it easy he had ruined any chance for the caterpillar to enter a phase of being a butterfly. The struggle required to wriggle out of the cocoon forced life into the wings. No struggle, no wings. No wings, no butterfly life.
It’s a good reminder of the value of our own struggles. Even if, in the moment, we can’t quite see the future benefit.
In Thy Paths
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More specifically maybe…false assumptions about my (our) retirement…
- That you must have at least a million dollars to retire.
- That you really need three million dollars to retire with security.
- That you should delay collecting Social Security until at least 65, and preferably until 70.
- That you should travel.
- That you should do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to.
- That you’ll struggle with a sense of purpose.
- That you may struggle with boredom if you’re not careful.
- That it will cost you much more than you figured.
- That it’s important to have (and pursue) a bucket list.
- That you’ll have much more leisure time.
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Happy Father’s Day 2024!
My dad enjoying the sunshineThe what was crystal clear.
The how was no where in sight.
Casey Neistat is the OG of YouTube, vlogging and social media creation. He’s associated with New York, but it wasn’t always so. Casey set his sights on NYC knowing he wanted to make it there. Without any idea or plan on how to do it. But he’d grown up hanging on by a thread so he was comfortable.
Casey had two qualities that drove him, gratitude and optimism. A little boy with absentee parents. No restraints. No security. Hanging on by a thread.
One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
The desperation and despair drove him. Created him. Forged him.
Watching Casey for years and knowing his story got me thinking about mastering the hang. The hanging by a thread. Handling risk and failure. Hanging on. Even by a thread because even a thread provides suspension above failure. And despair. In the thread we find hope. Enough hope to continue.
Patience vs. impatience.
A willingness to hang on by that thread for however long it’ll take.
Casey describes his early life as a life without any plan B. He was working 60 hours a week making $7.25 an hour working in a restaurant kitchen. What was he going to do? Move back to southeastern Connecticut where he’d grown up in despair? Optimism drove him to declare – both to himself and others – “I’ll figure it out.”
Said Casey: “I was running from a pack of wolves. I knew if I slowed down or stopped, I’d be eaten.”
Thinking of Casey’s story and how he described the early part of his journey to find success, I began thinking for the umpteenth time about how life circumstances impact us. It’s remarkable how for some it becomes crippling baggage providing a million excuses. For others, like Casey, it’s the catalyst that drives them to rise above all the tragedy and despair. That old meme remains true. Hot water makes the egg hard, but it softens the potato. I suppose it’s the hot water that shows us what we truly are, but I’m still puzzled about the choices we make – and I do believe we choose what we become, unlike the egg or potato.
When working with a group in my coaching practice I often deploy a number of strategies to create closer bonds. Trust, vulnerability, safety – these are all critical when we’re trying to develop high-performing teams (or groups). Seeing each other as something other than a position or title serves all of us well. At work we rarely are able to show our full humanity, which is a shame because that’s where our deepest connections are made.
It’s interesting to watch it happen. A group of people enter a room. They know each other. They have some context for one another. But many of them don’t really know each other very well. Over an hour, or two, they begin to see other differently. They understand the past pain, suffering and struggle. We can all relate. Our story specifics may differ, but at a macro level – we’re mostly similar.
It’s apparent that we all had many opportunities to decide, will we be an egg or a potato? Will the circumstances of our life – especially the ones we had little control over – harden us or soften us? And will that hardness manifest itself in a resolve to rise above it or will it be a hardness that drives us deeper into excuse-making, and blaming? Will it soften us in ways that cripple us and rob us of the confidence and resolve needed to succeed? Or will it soften us so we can be more compassionate and grow into better humans?
Choice. Making up our mind.
Will we hang by the thread with optimism? “Hey, look…I’m still hanging on!” versus “Oh, man. I’m just a thread away from falling.”
Hanging on by a thread is still hanging on. Just like “by the skin of your teeth” is still getting by.
Sure, the margin is thin but it’s a bit binary – you’re either hanging on or not. Whether it’s by a thread or a strand of threads.
It’s congruent with the theme of last week’s episode. There’s pressure on the situation. Maybe it’s do or die. Maybe not. But in this moment we feel the urgency, importance and seriousness of the situation. Or maybe we think we know.
Time.
Capability.
Innate talent.
Skill.
Experience.
Opportunity.
Challenge.
What’s the goal of hanging…whether by a thread or a strand? Is the object to continue to hang or is there something else?
I’ve never wanted to just hang indefinitely. As kids we had monkey bars. The goal was to move from one end of the contraption to the other by way of a dozen or so bars from which you had to hang. The point was to swing from one bar to the next until you completed it…all without letting go. Hanging was the conveyance to get from one end to the other.
For me, hanging has a purpose. Maybe it’s waiting for what’s next. Maybe it’s moving toward what’s next. But hanging is a moment in time and I guess the question is, “How long do I need to hang on until that next thing occurs?” It’s a game of endurance. Which makes that thread part of it seem dangerous. Maybe it is dangerous. Maybe it’s more dangerous in our head based on our fear that the thread won’t last long enough.
How long is long enough?
There’s the rub. We don’t often know.
Enter fear.
Fear of falling.
Fear of the thread breaking.
Fear we won’t survive the fall.
Does that make us paranoid? Or delusional? Or pessimistic?
It could. But not necessarily.
All of us are afraid of failing…falling. Some of us are afraid of hanging on, too. Perhaps we’re afraid of even grabbing the rope, no matter how strong it may appear.
Some years ago one of our grandsons would not jump into the swimming pool. All the other kids would run and jump in, but he’d stand on the edge hesitating. Followed by more hesitation. And more stalling. Then he’d back up, start to run toward the edge, then stop. This would go on for many minutes until he’d finally just take a step and drop into the pool. He never would jump.
I spent many minutes with him every time this happened…trying to understand what he was feeling. “What are you afraid might happen?” I’d ask. He couldn’t tell me. “Look at the other kids who are jumping in. Have you ever seen them get hurt, or cry after they jump in?” I’d ask. He hadn’t, but he still couldn’t bring himself to jump.
Until one day he did…and that was that. Fear conquered in a single swoop.
But until he did it he was too afraid to grab the rope of jumping.
I’ve thought long and often of my own fears. Considering the ropes of my life that I’ve neglected to grab…or the ropes I grabbed, but failed to hold onto long enough. I’ve thought of the times I may have quit too soon. Stopping short of success that might have been.
What might have been…
It’s not helpful though. To dwell on choices we didn’t make. We know the outcome of our life because of the choices we did make. If those choices have taken us to the thread when we could have avoided the thread, we should learn. We should repent – change our mind, change our direction, do better. Become more wise. If those choices can be fixed, we should pursue figuring out how. Whatever we do, we must face our present reality.
Now What?We are where we are because it’s where we’ve chosen to be. Not that we chose to be sick, or unemployed or whatever other bad things may have happened to us, but we chose our reactions to the hardness of our lives. Those choices put us here. Right here. Right now.
What are we going to do now?
Will we hang in there by doing what we’ve always done to put us in this precarious state? Or…
Will we hang in there by growing, improving and figuring out our missteps?
In short, will we fix what ails us or just complain about our lot in life? We are, after all, trying to lean toward wisdom, which includes reducing or eliminating our cowardice and excuse-making.
What does the hanging by a thread represent to you? I think mostly we associate it with barely hanging on. To which I’d say, but we’re still hanging. In my life, I just don’t want it to be passive. It needs to be active — an intentional effort to gain a better position. That means, at some point I’m going to have to let go of the current position. To remain holding on by a thread seems like a bad strategy. Unsafe even. But I don’t want to let go until I feel I’ve bettered myself. I need something better to grab onto.
I recently read about the Palmar Grasp Reflex, noticeable in new born babies. We know how strong their grip can be. I never understood why until now. The Palmar Grasp develops around week 28 of gestation. It lasts until a child is about 6 months old. It’s involuntary. The baby isn’t behaving intentionally…yet. Put your finger or any object in their open palm and they’ll grab it more tightly than you’d think they’d be able. I read that it’s almost strong enough to hold the baby’s weight (not advisable). Sometime between 4-6 months babies start deliberating reaching for things. Scientists think the Palmar Grasp Reflex is the same neural pathway needed later for the baby to choose to grasp things.
So, if you’re older than 6 months old you get to decide what to grab. Be careful, but brave.
Recklessness is never a wise choice. Too much caution though can rob us of opportunities to advance and grow. Or have fun, as illustrated by my fearful grandson refusing to jump into the pool.
Casey Neistat endured a childhood he described as “hanging by a thread.” Still, he had something to hang onto until he figured out something else to grab. I suppose we all have to grab onto something. Something to which we can hang onto for however long it seems to serve us. For teenage Casey it meant diving headlong in filmmaking. It meant moving to New York City without any connections. It meant letting go of home because that wasn’t working well enough for him and grabbing onto himself to chase his dreams.
We know his story because it worked out well for him. But I propose it would have worked out well for him no matter what. Leaving a place where he was hanging by a thread to grab something better was surely going to happen because Casey first did the hard thing. He made up his mind to find something he could grab, then he let go.
I know people who were not hanging by a thread, but by a solid strand who let go without having any valuable hand or foot hold to go to. People let go all the time because they’ve convinced themselves their unhappiness is somebody else’s fault. Stuck in blaming the world for their poor behavior and poor choices they find themselves miserable. Misery drives them to full speed selfishness where misery gives way to despair.
Rather than doing what young Casey did – making up his mind that he wasn’t going to live hanging by a thread – they just let go of the little good they may have. Nobody free falls their way to a better life. Nobody falls into growth, improvement and wisdom. It requires a wise decision. That wise decision can be just momentarily where we refuse one thing to grab something else. It may be a short period where we do the right thing, which may lead to longer periods of doing the right thing. No matter the time frame, it always demands a mind made up.
So if you’re hanging by a thread keep hanging. Diligently look for a better hold. Analyze the prospective future hold and make the best decision you can. Be brave and reach for it. Grab it like a newborn baby. Then let go of the thread.
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Kenneth Aronoff is a drummer for John Mellencamp. He’s also part of a documentary, The Untold Stories Of Your Favorite Musicians. He talks about the early days with Mellencamp when he was asked to come up with a drum solo of sorts for a new song, Jack & Diane.
When I first heard him say it my mind went into a few different directions.
One, being good under pressure. Not everybody is. How can we improve that skill?
Two, being good on your feet. That is, being able to figure it out in real-time, with the clock ticking. Again, how can we hon that ability?
Three, knowing you’re at a pivot point that could (no guarantees) change everything. How can we recognize the importance of this moment?
Aronoff had enough of all three to handle this moment.
“It’s kind of funny…the moments on which life hinges. I think growing up you always imagine your life–your success–depends on your family and how much money they have, where you go to college, what sort of job you can pin down, starting salary…But it doesn’t, you know. You wouldn’t believe this, but life hinges on a couple of seconds you never see coming. And what you decide in those few seconds determines everything from then on… And you have no idea what you’ll do until you’re there…”
― Marisha Pessl, Special Topics in Calamity Physics (a novel)
Pessl is a novelist who has crafted some great lines. Truthful lines. This is one of favorites. Life often hinges on a couple of seconds we never see coming. More accurately, it hinges on what we do in that moment. In those seconds. And while you have no idea until you’re there, all the things we’ve done up that moment prepare us.
I will prepare and some day my chance will come. – Abraham Lincoln
That line speaks to our ability and our optimism. The belief that we’ll put in the necessary work and in time, we’ll get an opportunity.
I often wonder if we knew in advance of that moment, would it help us or hurt us? Might we live in constant fear and anxiety if we knew? It may be a blessing that when those moments arrive, we had little or no warning.
In the last episode I talked about how special forces train so when the battle erupts, they react wisely (and well) automatically. So much so, they describe their reactions under fire as “it just happens.” That’s the value of preparation. It’s the value of focus, intensity and dedication to constant improvement.
It’s also the quest to learn what we don’t yet know. Ignorance isn’t bliss. It can be disastrous when we act based on it. Many dramatic stories prove the point. Mostly, tragedies prove it. Hamlet. Romeo & Juliet. Stories where people lacked knowledge, but took actions based on it. Stories where they had 25 to save themselves, or somebody else…but they got it wrong.
Tragedy has visited each of us, partly because of actions taken based on our ignorance. We thought something, but without full knowledge, or understanding, we got it wrong. The result was tragic. Maybe not life and death tragic, but some version of tragic none the less.
25 feet to get it right. Or to get it wrong.
I began to consider the journey to those 25 feet, wondering how important those feet are. And how we might influence them.
Reminiscing of my 25-foot-moments I tried to remember what led me there. What happened and how did I get it wrong? Did I get it wrong? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
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On Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom YouTube show with Tim Kennedy, a Special Forces master sergeant and author, Kennedy was recounting the extensive training of special forces. In the fog of war there is no time to think when bullets start flying. It’s all reaction. He details the many micro movements of firing a weapon during a fire fight, emptying the weapon and reloading – all within seconds. It’s not a strategic – “I now need to do this” – kind of thing. It’s something you’ve practiced tens of thousands of times. So much that when the moment comes, it just happens.
It just happens.
He said you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!
But first, it’s a slow, arduous journey of working hard.
Everything is hard, until it’s easy. Everything is slow, until it’s fast.
This is why most things remain hard to many people. They don’t put in the work.
It’s why we remain broke, fat and miserable, too. And why too many of us lack faith, gratitude and compassion.
Because it’s hard work. It’s not couch potato work!
Some weeks ago I mentioned to Lisa Norris, my co-host on the Grow Great podcast (a podcast about city government leadership) that every high-performer I’ve ever known pursues the hard stuff. They’re not complacent. They’re all strategic in learning more, growing and adding to their arsenal. I remarked,
“Everything is hard, until it’s easy and high-performer are always chasing the hard stuff.”
Practice doesn’t make perfect, but perfect practice does. That’s what we’ve heard for decades. It’s absurd though because it presupposes that our work ought to be perfect in practice (when it doesn’t matter as much). However, if the saying speaks to the process of practice being perfect (our willingness to put in the work by doing what we must in order to improve), then it’s not absurd at all.
When I heard Tim Kennedy’s response I went back to notes I’d been making to myself about preparation (practice). I’m a lifelong fan of preparation. This – and all my podcasts – depict my fandom. I use a broadcast workflow because I’d rather prepare in advance of recording instead of just winging it, then fixing it all in editing after-the-fact. Besides, preparation is where I’ve found my confidence can be greatly enhanced. And I hate not feeling confident.
What is confidence? Where does it come from? Where do we have it?
Long ago I concluded that my confidence isn’t singular. There are a few different types of confidence in my life.
First, there’s confidence in God. I’ll call it a spiritual confidence. It’s based on belief, faith and conviction. It’s not an internal faith in myself, but rather it’s my inner confidence in something and someone else – something much higher and more powerful than myself. My spiritual confidence is based only on the Bible because it’s the only standard I have to inform me about God. Any other confidence based on feelings or intuitions or urges would come from me, not the Bible. That makes them susceptible to being mere delusions so I won’t base my spiritual confidence on such things.
Second, there’s confidence in others. This is an external confidence based on my belief and trust in others. It may be based on past history or expected future. I’m confident that our family will help influence my five grandchildren to be successful adults, able to navigate their lives well. Ages 16 to 8, it’s yet to be proven, but I have confidence in our family and in these children. Maybe it’s an optimism based on the work we’re putting in to help train them all. But it’s not entirely based on the adults in the family. None of these 5 children have shown an unwillingness to be compliant to learn and improve.
My confidence in others is based on past behaviors and on my expectations of their capabilities. It’s not an absolute though because I’m not in control of what they do. I’m not confident they’ll please me because that’s not my expectation. I expect them to improve and grow because I care about them being their best.
Third, I have confidence in myself. It’s not absolute or complete. Sometimes it’s spotty. More so than I’d like.
My confidence in myself is mostly born from preparation…practice. In areas where I fail to focus, I struggle. Appropriately.
Permit me to veer to where I lack confidence and why.
The federal government is’t my savior. I already have a Savior who is divine so there’s no point in looking for one that’s not. I know many people look at the federal government, and to a lesser degree state and local governments, to rescue them from whatever ails them. I don’t. It’s a conscious choice all of us make.
It’s problematic to put confidence where it doesn’t belong because fundamentally it’s delusional. It’s belief in something that isn’t worthy of that belief. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic expectation that something will happen, which will never happen. The cavalry of government isn’t coming to save us. They work vigorously to make us believe though. They desperately want and need our confidence to be placed in them. “Trust us. We know what’s best. Just leave this business to us.” We hear those kinds of messages from local municipalities all the way to Washington, DC. It’s a global epidemic as governments are in full-blown self-preservation mode growing bigger and bigger.
…I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts.” – Ronald Reagan
Self-preservation motivates those in power to remain in power. Fear contributes to the process. It works like a charm. A snake charmer! 😀
I only digress to point out that everybody can put their confidence where they choose. This is merely my admission of my own choices. You make those you feel are best for you. I’m on record that I’m a capitalist who enjoys the power of a free and open market. Yes, I support competition and oppose monopolies. There’s nothing free about the latter. I know markets make winners and losers of us all. If I bring insufficient value, I won’t survive as a business. If I bring high value, I will. Besides, I’m fond of knowing how I’m doing. Keeping score is a great thing when it comes to business and enterprise. It’s a terrible thing when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
In the race to bet on oneself or to bet on government, I’d much prefer to bet on myself. I view government as I view leadership. It’s a focus on others and doing for others what they can’t do for themselves. So while I need government and as a Christian, I pray for governments, I don’t put my confidence in them – beyond trusting them to pick up my trash, make sure my water works (and is clean), make sure my toilets flush, make sure my electricity continues to work, make sure my safety is reasonably preserved, etc. I can’t do those things for myself.
1 Timothy 2:1–4
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Romans 13:1
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.
Who is working for whom? It’s fundamental to the conversation about confidence and being prepared. Who is serving whom?
Being in service to myself to put in the necessary work to become better isn’t selfish. It’s right. Everybody benefits.
As I grow and improve as a person I can better influence those around me. I can make better decisions. Take better actions. Benefit myself and all around me. It can’t be helped IF I practice with intensity to insure that when moments come, I’m fully prepared to do the right thing. Not without thinking, but because I already made up my mind. Because I pre-thought it by putting in the work.
That’s the point.
Putting in the work in advance. That’s the practice.
Putting in the work long enough to endure the hard…until it gets easier. Then continuing it long enough until it becomes easy.
Then…
Advancing it up a notch (or three) to make it hard again…until it gets easier.
For me, it’s the drive to always make it better. It’s also the dissatisfaction that it’s good enough. Not to the point where my discontentment is crippling (or anywhere close to that), but to the point where I’m continually driven to improve it. It’s a restlessness with complacency.
For me, it’s not a restlessness with calmness or quiet. I’ve seen that in the lives of others, people who are just perpetual motion machines. Such folks tend to not get nearly enough done though. They log a bunch of miles, but without actually going anywhere. This often mistake movement with progress.
It rarely just happens for them. I know because I hear how hard they work, how much they’re hustling, how fast they’re working and how busy they are. “I’ve gotta run,” they repeat. Years later, it’s the same thing. These poor folks are stuck in Ground Hog Day living a life on constant REPEAT. That’s not progress. That’s not growing confidence. That’s not practicing so when the moments comes “it just happens.”
It’s also exhausting. And I’m only a spectator to their frenzy, but it whips me.
In place of that…what if the effort were focused? Intentional. Purposeful. Strategic.
What if our “practice” was driven with forethought aimed at an ideal outcome?
And here’s a big one: what if our practice was at something we couldn’t wait to do over and over again because we desperately wanted to master it?
And what if we mastered it and we still felt like we could advance in it?
How good could you become at such a thing?
There’s only one way to find out. Do it. Give it a go. Keep on giving it a go. Make sure that talent is your limitation, not aimed effort.
I know I have limited skills that will prevent me from achieving more, but I have no way of knowing those limitations if I don’t practice diligently to improve.
There are naturally gifted athletes who make it to the professional ranks. There are less gifted people who also make it to the pros. It would seem you can make it to the professional leagues of sports by being naturally talented, but you also have to put in the work to practice your sport. The extraordinary athletes, those world-class performers, combine both. Then along comes that person who has visibly natural ability that makes them superior, but something goes awry. Maybe it’s addiction. Maybe it’s poor behavior. Maybe it’s lack of desire, or lack of work ethic. And their career, which could have been spectacular, fizzles. Because something got in the way of putting in the practice. Discipline to stay the course. Missing.
It’s hard to discipline yourself. It’s hard to do the hard thing. Procrastination is easy. “I don’t feel like it right now,” is a phrase I’ve said too often. As a result, many things have gone undone. Either completely or for longer than necessary.
Not right now.
And when the moment comes, that’s the answer we get back to the thing we most wish would happen in that moment…
Not right now.
How’s that working out for you?
Really well.
It’s efficient. Reliable. Ridiculously predictable.
Galatians 6
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
You didn’t know that was in the Bible? Yep, that’s where mankind got that wisdom – you reap what you sow. What goes ’round comes ’round. God ordained it.
Nature proves it. Plant tomatoes and you get tomatoes, not okra. Or cucumbers. Everything after its kind. God ordained that, too.
What are you practicing? Why?
If you practice self-indulgence, then that’s what you’ll reap. The consequences of a self-indulgent life.
If you practice self-discipline, then that’s what you’ll reap. The benefits of temperance, self-control.
I wish it were an all the time, everything deal, but for me – it’s not. Sometimes I’m self-indulgent. Other times, I’m self-disciplined. My goal is to lean away from self-indulgence and lean toward wisdom through self-discipline. Restraint from the things I should not do and embracing the things I should – that’s what I ought to do. Ought to.
“Mean to don’t pick no cotton” is a Southern saying that means saying you intend to do something is different from actually doing it.
“All hat and no cattle” is an idiom that means someone is full of big talk but lacks action, power, or substance.
I’m too often guilty of that. Like right now.
I’ve got a list of things I need to do. A long list that isn’t getting any shorter because I’m not knocking things off that list.
The Yellow Studio 4.0 took weeks longer because I’d stare at the work required and say, “Not now.” But when I dove in and began to do the work it was rewarding to see it come together. The feeling afterward was positive, uplifting. The feeling after I made excuses was guilt. Uplifting or guilt? That’s an easier choice than doing the work or putting it off.
Homer Simpson’s philosophy continues to grow in many of our lives. “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”
Well, the answer is choose regret and guilt or choose achievement and confidence. Laziness or achievement?
But there’s something else about that line uttered by the Special Forces guy…”
you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!
In that world of warfare, there are moments that come. Pivotal, life and death moments.
As I kept thinking about this line and how truthful I believe it to be, I also realized that in our lives – we ordinary folks who aren’t in mortal combat – our achievements are comprised of lots of moments. Some of them micro moments. Some not so micro. More often than not, moments that don’t seem so consequential – not like a fire fight in war. More like, a moment where I decide to not eat that ice cream sandwich and go for a 20-minute walk instead. Moments where I decide not to buy that shiny little object, but to set that money aside in a high yield savings account. Or an S&P500 low cost index fund. And it’s the cumulative impact of all these choices that define my life.
Financially.
Spiritually.
Physically.
Relationally.
It’s a moment of hugging my wife. Or refraining from hugging her.
It’s a moment of putting my phone away so I can be more present as I sit across from her at a restaurant table. Or at home. Or not.
It’s a moment of squirreling away that $100 I find myself with, or blowing it on something frivolous.
It’s a moment of thinking the worst of somebody, or thinking there may be a plausible explanation for their behavior in this moment.
It’s the compounding effect of all my choices and decisions and how they add up to create a definition. Not a defining moment, but a defining life.
I’ve talked about that chart of a penny doubled every day for 30 days. It’s worth bringing up again, but it’s how our lives work in areas beyond money.
We make choices that seem insignificant. Good choices. Bad choices. The compounding works the same. Cumulative bad choices take a toll that’s far heavier than we think in real time. Cumulative good choices pay off in a far grander way than we realize in the moment. Good can take time. Bad tends to take less time.
By day 27 a person who opted for the penny doubled is thinking, “I made a horrible choice. Only 3 days left and I’m over $300,00 shy of what I could have had if I’d taken the million bucks.” But look at those last 3 days. In a single day he’d have made up the difference plus an additional $342K. The next day, he’s over 2.6x times the single million dollars. And by day 30, he’s got almost $5.4 million instead of just one million.
It’s these moments that define us. These moments of decision and action. Or indecision and inaction.
It doesn’t mean the line is any less valid or accurate. I think it very much is – we put in the work, we predetermine what we’re going to do, we practice doing it, and we keep on doing it over and over so when bigger moments come, it happens. Because all along the way those smaller moments have been happening. Our preparation has increased our confidence. Our confidence has built our resilience. Our resilience has prepared us for the things that could go wrong so we can counter punch them.
It’s the difference in a life well lived or a life wasted. For combat soldiers, it’s life or death. I could argue it’s true for us, too. All of us.
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Note: The picture in the featured image is my 100-year-old dad holding my 92-year-old mother’s hand as she lay dying. She passed from this life on April 4, 2024. They were married for 73 years, a testimony to the power of companionship.
Companion / Companionship
a person or animal with whom one spends a lot of time
a feeling of fellowship or friendship
Do you want to be alone with yourself?
And if not, then why do you think anybody else would ever want to be around you?
What is it about you that might be off-putting? Or unsafe?
Let’s begin with a word, EFFORT. It’s the thing we can all control. It’s the igniter in the combustion chamber of success. Whether it’s relationships – companionship, or some other pursuit – if we put in enough effort, we can always ensure our growth. Hard work may not result in an absolute win, but it will result in personal growth. The kind of growth that can impact every aspect of our life.
“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller
In recent weeks I’ve talked a lot about my challenges with having too many spinning plates. This goes directly to EFFORT, which means we need to discuss another word, CAPACITY. There is a limit to our effort because our time is limited. And our ability is limited, too.
Time is easy to measure. It’s definite.
Ability may be impossible to measure. I suspect we’re all severely limited by our mind thinking “this is all I’ve got,” when in reality, we can do more. Evidence of such things is the Navy Seal training and many other physical/mental challenges that people regularly conquer. The person who wants to run their first marathon may quit thinking it’s too hard. But those who go on to run their first learn they’re more able than they thought. Those who quit are convinced it just wasn’t something within their reach. Like Henry Ford famously said…
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.”
What if we believed – truly believed – we were more able?
I have asked hundreds of executives, business owners, and other leaders a simple question: “Would you say that most of your dreams have come true?”
100% of them answer, “Yes.”
That doesn’t mean every dream was achieved. Or that they’ve got no more dreams left to chase. It just means they achieved most of the things they set out to achieve.
After they’ve weighed in, I’ll then say, “Makes you wonder what kind of potential we’re leaving on the floor, huh?”
What if we dreamed bigger? What if we chased something seemingly impossible for us? Our lives seem to be proving to us that we might be able to achieve most things we pursue. Why shouldn’t we reach for more? And why shouldn’t we help others reach for more?
Time is easier. Daily we say YES and NO. Daily we may say yes to things we’d rather say no to. We may also say no to things we’d really like to say yes to. All these decisions impact our time. They determine our calendar. And our calendar – those things we answer wrongly – determines our resentment and bitterness.
Suppose I say yes to an invitation I’d rather say no to. Maybe I’m cowardly in the moment. Maybe I’m too worried about hurt feelings. Not my own, but the person inviting me. Maybe social pressures are in play. But for some reason, I give the wrong answer and now this dreaded event is on my calendar.
Who is served by my wrong answer?
Not me.
Not my inviter.
Nobody else in my sphere. Because I’m going to dread it and it’ll certainly impact my demeanor and behavior.
That doesn’t mean I have to behave hatefully. I can certainly make the decision that’s ideal in a polite way. I can be gracious and thank the person for inviting me, but politely decline.
A major component of managing effort, ability, and time is truth. We’re surrounded daily by deceit. Lies are all around us. Constantly. We come to think that lying is just a way of life, but it’s not. If we’re devoted to the truth – and our commitment to telling the truth, firstly to ourselves, then to everybody else – we can avoid a lot of messes.
The lies we tell ourselves take a heavier toll than I suspect we understand. Who wants to live a delusion? Well, you’d think most of us because it sure seems we’ve all done a fair job of creating our own matrix to define our lives. We tell ourselves what is and isn’t possible without any evidence. We wrap ourselves in blankets of anxiety and insecurity whilst pretending to be confident, strong and able. We show off and show out instead of showing up. We drive expensive cars to look rich while being in debt and broke. All that fronting is a lie – a delusion to medicate ourselves on feeling better about our life.
What if we just behaved better?
What if we told ourselves and others the truth? All the time?
What if we stopped fronting and pretending?
What if we did the right thing in kindness? Always acting with integrity?
What if the delusions and misjudgments of others were stripped of their power? What if we didn’t respond to hateful treatment? What if we didn’t get drawn into the delusion?
A woman tells me about a sister, a lifelong drug addict. It’s a long, laborious story of hurt, betrayal, and awful behavior. The parents – they’re gone now, but after years of being taken advantage of by a daughter. The delusion of the wayward sister foisted onto everybody in her wake, most notably those people who cared the most about her. And when big sister draws a line after realizing that a relationship – companionship – with little sister is only enabling little sister to impose her delusions – does the venom really start spewing from her sister. All the vile, hateful things she once thought she had endured now pale in comparison.
She says, “I love her very much, but she can’t see it. She’s so warped in how she sees her life and my life, there’s no fixing it. I now realize I have to commit myself to people who I love who are willing to love me back.”
As I listen to a story I’ve heard more times than I can recall (all the people whose lives have been disrupted by a loved one disconnected from the reality of their own poor choices and bad behavior), I think of all the waste. Wasted lives. Wasted time. Wasted resources. Total loss!
I hate the term “mindset,” mostly because it’s overused. That viewpoint, perspective or whatever word might be more suitable to me – it’s important. It determines how we behave. It determines our choices. Our effort. Our dreams. Our aspirations. What we believe.
“…when people already know they’re deficient, they have nothing to lose by trying.”
― Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
A Lack of Understanding Kills the Truth
Becoming a better companion requires becoming a better person. That takes work and the work needs understanding.
The parents of a murdered boy sue the city because the police department proved corrupt. Evidence was intentionally hidden. The public doesn’t have all the information available to the family of the victim. Public outcry rails against the family as money grubby greedy people. But money is the least of the family’s concerns. In fact, justice for their son’s murder is secondary to wanting to restore faith in police so others won’t have to endure what they’re going through. The public doesn’t understand, but they think they do. They’re convinced they’ve got it all figured out. They know exactly why this family is suing the city.
But they’re wrong.
A corrupt detective had destroyed evidence. His lies destroyed the truth, for a time. It had painted an untrue narrative of the victim in order to pin the murder on an easy suspect. The detective would be the hero, convicting a person based on strong, but circumstantial evidence. Evidence it turned out that was largely the result of a fictional story.
Over time – years – most come to understand what they formerly didn’t. A clearer understanding results in truth. Truth results in a change in their behavior toward the family. That’s how understanding unlocks things for all of us.
Things may not be what we think. Our assumptions and cognitive biases can interfere with the truth. Bad enough for us to practice a lie – like the detective. Worst still for our lie to be put on others.
I suppose few adults have avoided grossly misunderstanding or being misunderstood. Likely we’ve all been severely misjudged along the way, too.
We hate it when we’re misunderstood. We think little of seriously discerning whether or not we’re properly understanding others though. Especially motives. Like the parents suing the city.
There’s wisdom in following the evidence. What do people do? What and how do they say it? What can we know to be TRUE?
The woman who vows to be a good wife and mother may sound credible. But when we see her drunken, promiscuous behavior another picture unfolds. The truth. No matter her claims we can discern by how she acts – the choices she makes – that she’s not what she claims to be. It may not explain why she does what she does. And over time she may be shown as a selfish, neglectful wife and mom. But she’s fabricated a narrative to make herself appear different. Better. Lovely. Faithful. Dutiful. Concerned.
Which is it? Is it what she says, or what she does?
YOU?
What makes you worthy of companionship? What makes you a good friend? A good spouse? A good parent? A good grandparent?
Words matter. Actions more.
It’s interesting that when actions are wise and good, speech is congruent with the behavior. It’s when behavior and choices are sinful and selfish that the stories told don’t match up.
Truth.
A commitment to high standards of behavior.
A determination to grow.
A willingness to make wrongs right.
A humility to accept responsibility.
A courage to change and improve.
A resistance against pointing fingers.
A bravery to look in the mirror and see ourselves more clearly.
It all starts here. With us. You. Me.
The path forward to provide value to others starts with making ourselves valuable by behaving more wisely. It’s hard work. Arduous. Daunting sometimes. Often troubling as we stare down our demons.
“Who you are tomorrow begins with what you do today.” ― Tim Fargo
We have to conquer ourselves, not others.
Romans chapter 7
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23 but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me out of the body of this death? 25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then I of myself with the mind, indeed, serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
The key to improving our companionship skills is to get busy with our minds, which drives our behavior. Whether you serve God Jehovah or something or somebody else, that’s for you to decide. But we’re all serving somebody. Things go wrong when we serve ourselves. That makes us poor companions. It destroys our influence to help others. It diminishes our value, resulting in a loss for everybody, most especially us!
“You don’t know how it feels…to be me.” -Tom Petty
Or do you? We share more than we may think. Especially in the battle to become better humans. Some of us are fighting hard. Others, not at all. It’s the difference in keeping good company or not.
1 Corinthians 15:33 “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.”
And there it is. Our companionship with others can be good or evil. The companionship we choose to surround us can be good or evil.
We get to decide the kind of companion we’ll be and the kind of companions we want to be around.
Companionship isn’t about perfection. It’s about a few critical things.
Caring. Both of you care deeply about each other.
Understanding. Both of you are committed to understanding each other as fully as possible.
Belief. Both of you believe in each other.
Encouragement. Both of you provide the encouragement necessary so each of you can grow individually and together.
Compassion. It’s a focus on others – you both remain focused on helping each other.
Grace. When you get it wrong, both of you are determined to make it right because the relationship is that important to you both.
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In 1982 I stood in front of a group of employees of the retail company I was running to tell them, “Who would have thought we’d reach a time when saying “please” and “thank you,” “sir” and “ma’am” would be a competitive edge?” That was then. This is now.
Superior customer service is rare. That means the opportunities are extraordinary! Seize the day.
Abel seized the day. Here’s his story, as posted on my Facebook profile.
Abel with Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, TexasSchlotzsky’s Grand Prairie, Texas Is Today’s Customer Service HORROR Story (Small Hill Drive location)
Rhonda placed an order via the app (something she’s done with great frequency). Location: Grapevine, Texas. Problem: during checkout, the app encountered a problem with her saved credit card requiring that it be re-entered. Done. Order placed.
Problem #2: during that payment problem evidently the order location changed from Grapevine to Grand Prairie. She didn’t notice that until we were in the drive-through of the Grapevine location. She explained the problem and they politely said, “No problem. Just call them to get a refund and we’ll make the sandwiches here.” So we pulled into a parking spot to call Grand Prairie.
She explained the problem and as they seemed to be helping her the connection went dead. I suspect they hung up on her (she was on the speakerphone). She dialed back. Explained it again, but this time it was a different person. “No, we’ve already made the sandwiches. No refund!” (Do this in the voice/tone of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld and you’ll be dangerously close to the sound of this man on the phone). She asked for the manager. “I am the manager.”
I took the phone to ply my powers of persuasion but without success. The Sandwich Nazi wasn’t going to bend an inch. This $22 transaction was more meaningful than a long-time customer.
I entered the Grapevine store to see what I could do. A pleasant gentleman behind the counter was taking orders. I was 3rd in line. Immediately I thought, “This store isn’t run by the same folks that operate Grand Prairie.”
Turns out, I was right.
As I explained our quandary, the gentleman said, “Oh yeah, you were just in the drive-through.” I told him Grand Prairie refused to issue a refund. He was shocked. I asked what I could do. He asked me what we ordered and I told him. He punched it into his computer and said, “I got you.” No, no, no – that wasn’t the solution I was looking for and I insisted on paying. “No,” he insisted, “I got you.”
I thanked him and told him I was going to share this story. I gave him my business card, took a quick selfie as he handed me the order, gave him a bro hug, and thanked him asking, “What’s your name?” I’m pretty sure he said, “Able.” If not, I apologize. It was busy and I didn’t want to detain him.
Schlotzsky’s in Grand Prairie – Small Hill Drive – boos and hisses to your ownership and management for pathetic customer services
Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine – kudos and salutes to your ownership and management for stepping up to do the right thing. A special shout-out to the gentleman in the picture. He understands how to be excellent!
NOTE: Abel is his name! Hours later and I’m still very impressed with this man. Visit Abel and his staff at the Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas and tell them you saw this post.
Pursue excellence. Chase consistency in that excellence.
Do it in your professional life. Do it in your personal life.
There are opportunities everywhere!
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Sloping seems more gentle than stumbling. And graceful. But when it comes to growing older it can be inaccurate. We don’t slope toward a face plant. We stumble. We fall. Face-first into the ground.
“Everywhere I look I see opportunities,” I said. The conversation was about how we see the world and our place. Me? I have lived life trying to take various hills. Then quickly seeking out a new hill to take. Sometimes the hill is simply making it better. Always making it better – or trying to – is the curse of my mind.
As I approach the beginning of my 67th year on the earth I know the end began on day one. Growing up, children only think about the present or the future. Age urges us to focus on the future and we increasingly lose track of the present. Today wasn’t great, but tomorrow will be better. Until we realize our past is larger than our prospective future, which prompts us to remember. Old people don’t tend to talk about the future, but they rehearse – often with boring repetition – the past.
In the future, I’m liable to be guilty of the same behavior even though I hate it. I hope to avoid doing it.
The end has begun. The end of many things has begun, sparking the beginning of others.
Experience, not age, has taught me how little I know. And how far I have to go to reach my ideal outcome. Mostly, that ideal outcome is me. Not in some self-centered way, but in the sense that all I will ever contribute to the world is myself. Being my best self. Nothing else matters.
My impact – whatever it may be – is all any of us have to offer. It’s not a minimal thing either. It’s massive. More so for some than others because our talents, drives, ambitions, and opportunities aren’t equal. There’s also luck. Mark Cuban remarked that luck was the difference between him being a millionaire and a billionaire. So it goes.
I feel like I’ve grown. Evidence shows it’s somewhat true.
Never mind that some likely view me in light of the worst chapters – or sentences – I’ve written. Everybody can make up their mind about me, or anybody else. And they do.
My days are spent focused on other people’s lives. Largely on their professional challenges and opportunities. Sometimes the focus is solely on their personal lives because what ails them is deeply personal. Challenges come from all angles. Oportunities, too.
The drive to make a difference is always the hill I’m trying to take. The methodology is asking questions.
I figure things out by asking questions. Asking questions provides answers. Questioning answers clarifies existing answers. The focus isn’t on me, so the questions are aimed at helping others figure it out. After all, it’s not mine to figure out. It’s a deep version of the old TV show, “This Is Your Life.” It’s not my life. I have my stuff to figure out. It’s only about me so I can better understand, ask better questions, and improve at helping others figure things out.
Relationships.
Careers.
Faith.
Financial circumstances.
Habits.
Beliefs.
Choices.
Behaviors.
Skills.
Abilities.
Perspectives.
Hobbies.
Preferences.
Everything is subject to change.
Everything decays. Decay starts at the beginning and continues until the end.
But Eternity changes everything because according to God’s Word, Heaven has no decay. Hell doesn’t either. Bliss or torture without interruption.
That’s not how life on earth works. Bliss, happiness, joy, peace – they’re all interrupted by decay. Each has enemies that disturb or destroy.
Our lives are subject to change because other people have choices that can interrupt our choices and preferences. Some years ago I had different goals and dreams than I had just a handful of years ago. The changes in my goals were driven by the choices others made, which compelled me to change my mind as I tried to figure out my best path forward. It happens. To all of us.
Those folks who enjoy blaming God for all the mishaps or misfortune in the world fail to realize we’re humans able to make up our minds. Our decisions impact the world around us. It’s not always good because we don’t always make wise choices. Our selfishness and sin take a toll on the world. We help create destruction, pain, sorrow, sadness, and damage.
We all can bring our foolishness to an end. At least we can begin the end of our foolishness. That doesn’t mean we can begin the end of everybody else’s foolishness. Since the point of this podcast has always been – and remains – an intentional leaning toward wisdom, I’m urging us to put in the work to get started ending our foolishness. Then keep working on it because foolishness is just around the corner in every decision we make – large or minute. And our choices will impact and influence everybody around us – and the world.
Relationships / Personal
Work / Professional
There are beginnings and endings in all areas of our life.
NOTE: My mom passed from this life at 2:58am today, April 4, 2024. She was a couple of months shy of turning 92.
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February 1974, Baton Rouge. Near the entrance to Louisiana State University. A record store, my favorite hang out. Leisure Landing.
I enter the store and a record is playing. It’s alt-country. Weird. Because the guy’s name is Ian Matthews. Ian isn’t a southern United States name.
I grab the album cover and begin to read the back. Two players who I already admire are on this record. Jeff “Skunk” Baxter of Steely Dan fame and David Lindley of Jackson Browne fame. I love both of these guys. I’m enjoying this record. Ian is an Englishman playing alternative country, folksy tunes.
Some days you eat the bear…
Some days the bear eats you.
I’ve never heard this artist before.
I’ve never heard this phrase before either.
But I’m street smart and quickly discern it means, “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.”
That’s today’s show. A new episode from inside The Yellow Studio 4.0.
Enjoy!
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“The only way to learn how many plates you can spin is to break some plates. The question of capacity guarantees failure.” – T.S. Elliot
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. – Jim Elliot (no relation to T.S. that I’m aware of)
I’m not a plate-spinner.
I am able to multi-task, but it’s not actually multi-tasking at all. It’s really intense focus on a single thing with enough speed to get a number of things accomplished over a short period. That makes it look like multi-tasking.
Themes of the week have been:
- Self-control or self-regulation – manifested in the struggles people have with porn addiction, marital infidelity, alcohol, work, parenting, unruly children, loneliness and more
- Capacity and resources – what’s our limit?
- Congruency – frustration in hearing people (often bosses) say one thing, but do something completely different
- Failing to figure out how or where we fit – not understanding why or how we’re making a difference / wondering if we are
I’ve got too much going on – too many irons in the fire. I’m working on it and I’ll share more.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
Galatians 6:7-9 “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth unto his own flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth unto the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”
Show High-Lights
- Anybody can do easy. It requires resolve and grit to do difficult things. It requires skill, talent and solid determination to learn to do hard things well.
- We’re the constraint.
- The value is in battling ourselves, not others.
- Feelings don’t equal evidence. Figuring out what’s real and what isn’t is hard work worth doing well.
- Don’t discount your will power. Don’t over-estimate it either. It’s a major component of the work, but it’s not the only component.
- Who you surround yourself with matters. The environment we put ourselves in has a major impact in our ability (and agility) to navigate figuring out how to do the hard things well. We’re all influenced by our surroundings. Guard your environment.
- Beliefs become reality. But delusions – which seem real – are still delusions. That’s why evidence based living is still the path forward to mastering hard things.
- Consider what’s possible even if you initially think it’s not. Learn what you don’t yet know. Figure it out. Just make sure you’re not restricting yourself with false notions. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or feel like others can do it, but you can’t.
- Ponder your ideal outcomes. Imagine what might be available – and possible. Often, there’s sufficient evidence for what probable, while we refuse to think it’s even possible. It stops us dead in our tracks when we could be many miles further up the road to greater success!
- Compounding is powerful. Doing a little bit consistently over time likely beats trying to sprint until we’re winded.
- Learning to do hard things well takes time and repeated efforts that become ingrained. Doing hard things well is habitual. Otherwise, it’s inconsistent. Anybody can be a minor league player. Only those who perform well every single time can be major leaguers.
- Laziness and procrastination are easy. That’s where the masses live. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can behave just like them and achieve something greater than average. Or worse.
- Berating yourself is worthless. Accurate self-examination is priceless. See yourself for what you truly are and fix what ails you. Lean into your strengths. Shore up weaknesses so they don’t derail you. Devote yourself to making yourself better in every way. Accept nothing less. Remember, you’ll either make a way, or you’ll make an excuse.
- Learning means making mistakes, but it means making mistakes where you’re still doing your best – and making mistakes you know you can recover from. When you get it wrong – and you will – determine that you’ll make it right. Only fools repeat their mistakes. Learn from yours and get better. Always be getting better!
- Working is hard. Retirement is hard. Health is hard. Sickness is hard. Being in a great relationship is hard. Being lonely is hard. Whatever you choose to name, on either end of the spectrum – it’s hard. Every day we get to decide which hard we’ll pursue. But there’s a major difference in the positive things that are hard. They require more effort on the front end. A higher investment upfront. By doing that, we may be able to forego a tougher consequence.
- Self-discipline is the key. Let’s be clear about the definition of discipline. Discipline is the quality of being able to behave and work in a controlled way which involves obeying particular rules or standards. Self-discipline is our ability to control ourselves.
- Execution matters! If we’re going to learn to get good at doing hard things well, we have to find the way to do them well more often than not. Ideally, to do them well all the time, every time.
- Doing hard things well drives success because it makes us unique. It gives us a competitive edge over everybody else who is unwilling or unable to do the hard things. The harder it is, the fewer people willing to do it. Or the fewer able to do it. So if you will – and if you can – you begin to join the ranks of a more exclusive, high-performing crowd. Be a lemming, be average or put in the work and be something much, much more.
- It’s true in all areas of human endeavor. These senior years for us are proof. Shameless retirement – a show I did not that long ago – isn’t just about being unashamed in front of others, but mostly it’s about being unashamed of our own choices and way of life. It’s about doing whatever we can do we don’t intentionally create regrets. Lifestyles creep up on us if we’re undisciplined. Lots of people follow our federal government by spending money they don’t have. Every good program – every good thing to buy – doesn’t justify the purchase. And just because we need it (or claim to) doesn’t mean we can afford it. But the bigger the government gets the more we spend ourselves silly justifying it by exaggerated claims of the good it will do – or the dire need for it. It’s no wonder that our federal government has corrupted our entire culture to feel justified with idiotic spending. Spending is easy. Restraint is hard.
- The battles of life – if we’re going to win – require learning how to do hard things well enough.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
About 15 years into my podcasting journey I recorded an episode entitled, A Virtual Tour Of My Podcasting Studio. I published it 9 years ago today, January 25, 2015. In 2019 I published an update, Welcome Inside The Yellow Studio (This Is How I Podcast Now). Since then I’ve tried to keep a page on my personal website updated – Inside The Yellow Studio.
The technology has changed monumentally since I began almost 24 years ago. Things have gotten so much easier – and so much more refined. As much as I enjoyed those early years when all of us were figuring it out, today is better. Today’s show is less about the operational part of podcasting though and it’s more about the metaphor of The Yellow Studio – creating, publishing and sharing. It’s about the broadcasting of stories, ideas, observations and insights. It’s about a journey into creativity. Well, it’s about a journey deeper into creativity. I won’t bore you with the earliest memories of the journey which began in childhood engaged in all sort of acts of imagination.
As much as I love to learn, which requires mounds of consuming (reading, listening, observing), I’m more in love with creativity, crafting something from mostly nothing. Starting with a spark. Sometimes small. Sometimes not. A burning ember sometimes. A bolt of lightning at other times.
Creativity takes practice. As in, you have to do it. Also, as in you have to do it repeatedly to improve.
Bouts of creativity against not being creative at all have prevailed my entire life. As a little boy playing with an impressive Matchbox car collection to laying in the yard looking up through the pines at the clouds wondering what to do next. Enthusiastic hours spent building a fort in the woods or a treehouse in the backyard coupled with lethargic hours spent telling ourselves we had nothing to do. Boredom always best fought off by engaging the gears of our imagination so we could create hours of delight often doing something we’d not done before. Or doing things we’d done a million times before. And ready to do it again one more time because we loved it so.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
Shameless
An adjective meaning insensible to disgrace
Retirement
A noun meaning a withdrawal from one’s position or occupation or from active working life or the age at which one normally retires
The United States adopted an initial retirement age of 65 with the Social Security Act of 1935. By the mid-20th century, almost all countries had adopted a retirement age of between 60-65. About 40% of Americans receive Social Security retirement benefits as their exclusive income. The average benefit is just over $1700 monthly.
Financial advice is varied, but advisors widely suggest no more than 70% of your retirement income should come from Social Security. If you were to collect the average amount – $1700 – then you’d have a monthly income of about $2400 if that math worked in your life. That’s $28,800 a year, hardly a comfortable living for most people.
However, as of this year (2023), the average check to 65-year-olds is about $2500 a month. Apply that 70% suggestion, then your total monthly income could rise to $3600, or $43,200 a year. That’s $14,400 more than $28,800.
Lots of people are doing the math urging folks to collect Social Security as soon as possible – age 62. For some, that may make sense. For others, it may not. I’m not an accountant or financial advisor. I’m just a guy sitting inside The Yellow Studio making observations about all this now that I’m 66-1/2, full retirement age.
Full Retirement Age
Full retirement age (FRA) is the age you must reach to receive full retirement benefits from Social Security. Your FRA varies depending on the year you were born. The FRA in the United States is 66 years and two months for those born in 1955, increasing gradually to 67 for those born in 1960 or later. Since my wife and I were born in 1957, 66-1/2 is our FRA. I achieved that in November and Rhonda hit it here in December.
Life is more than numbers, but the numbers matter. What about things other than numbers?
Routine and habits tend to overpower older lives. Neuroscience informs us that we’re all subject to habituation.
Habituation
Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. The American Psychological Association says it involves “growing accustomed to a situation or stimulus,” thereby diminishing its effectiveness.
We commonly call it being stuck. Getting in a rut.
What produces satisfaction or happiness?
Meaning is number one. Control is number two.
We need meaning in our lives. Some way where we measure our worth or value in the world.
We also need a degree of control over our own lives. Freedom is choice – the ability to make a choice is largely how we execute control.
As we grow older both of these can be challenges. No surprise because both are challenges no matter our age.
We’ve all experienced moments where we hit a high in meaning and control. Like that first big raise we got, it didn’t seem to last. Things seem to settle into some sort of a norm sooner than later.
The hedonic treadmill is the idea that an individual’s level of happiness, after rising or falling in response to positive or negative life events, ultimately tends to move back toward where it was prior to these experiences. It’s like that proverbial set point for our weight. Changing that thermostat is hard. Doable, but hard.
This is where habituation is a double-edged sword. It helps us progress and move forward even though it may rob us of some joy. And without habituation, we’re incapable of moving. Imagine having to make every little decision afresh every day. How exhausting would that be? So we need habits to a point. We just need to be mindful of our need for – the benefits of – change! New things. New experiences. New learning. Growth.
Scary can be good. Sure, it can be bad, too. But just because it’s scary doesn’t mean it’s one or the other. It means scary is uncomfortable because it’s outside our habits.
It’s how we effectively combat boredom or complacency. Joy and happiness are not the result of boredom or complacency.
Meaning. Control. Happiness. Joy. Fulfillment. Contentment. Purpose.
Pile on top of that some other words.
Overhead. Expenses. Income. Savings. Bills.
Add still more.
Family. Relationships. Community.
These aren’t age-specific terms. Whether we’re young, old, or somewhere in between these words all matter. Some bubble up to the top and overpower the others. Then they fall back down somewhere on the hierarchy of what matters most to us. In that moment. It’s that roller-coaster that is our life as we navigate challenges, opportunities, and whatever mundaneness rules our lives.
The other night Rhonda and I are watching Outlander. She’s read the books and we’re now up to season 7, the most current one. Well, as with most great stories, there’s lots of action. Constant drama. Ongoing challenges and difficult circumstances. Jamie and Claire are the main characters, a husband and wife. I said, “They can’t just settle on a little farm somewhere and live a happy life.” Rhonda replied, “There wouldn’t be much of a story to that.” Exactly.
But so often we claim we’d prefer this trouble-free existence. A life where everything is boring and mundane. But if we had a life like that we’d grow disengaged, disinterested, and ridiculously miserable. Research has shown if you put people in a room with nothing to do except to give themselves a mild shock, they’ll shock themselves. Just to feel something. Just to do something. Instead of sitting passively doing nothing except being alone with your thoughts, you’ll shock yourself. Fascinating proof that we crave engagement.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology comprising a five-tier model of human needs, often depicted as hierarchical levels within a pyramid. I suspect once you move up past the first and second levels things can vary depending on how we roll, but I don’t think there’s much doubt that those first two are real survival needs, which is why money is so important. Whether it’s income or savings, money enters and exits our lives daily because we have physical and safety needs. We need a place to live. Food to eat. Clothes to wear. A place to sleep. And we need to know we’re not going to constantly fight to stay alive in the process.
As we get older those first stages of needs can become more challenging. It’s amplified when control begins to slip away, too. Meaning erodes, too. It’s a recipe for late-life misery.
Age takes a toll on all of us. Just recently President Jimmy Carter buried former First Lady Rosalynn Carter, his wife of 77 years. President Carter is 99. Age doesn’t care any more than death. Death, which ideally is preceded by old age, comes for everybody. And however difficult youth may seem, old age is more difficult, but hopefully, life has taught us the resolve needed to navigate it successfully. Hopefully, we’re surrounded by family that will help us. Still, it’s up to each of us to do our part to battle what we can, accept what we can’t battle, and keep moving – even if it’s a mere inch at a time – forward toward what is next.
Now What?
It’s the most important two-word question I know to ask of myself or those I coach. As I stare into an abyss of misery presented in the form of some current challenge, I ask myself, “Now what?” Now what am I going to do? Now what’s my best move forward?
As I help somebody staring into their own abyss, I ask of them, “Now what?” Now what do you want to do? Now what are you going to do?
No point in fixating on how we got here except to learn from it.
No point in finger-pointing so we can assign blame.
No point in feeling sorry for ourselves.
No point in assuming the role of a victim. We may think that’s helpful, but it’s not.
Mostly, we’re the victims of our own making. Not always, but much of the time.
Shameless retirement is about owning it. It’s about figuring out how we can best move forward later in life. It’s not about resignation from growth, learning or improvement. Rather, it’s about figuring out to to keep making those components remain vital in our daily existence.
Some days you eat the bear. Some days the bear eats you.
a proverb meaning sometimes you win and sometimes you lose; everybody has successes and failures
Still, we press on. Unashamed. Because our progress is our own unique journey that we hopefully share with somebody we love – and somebody who loves us. And more than maybe ever before, it’s about behaving in a way where we have pride in ourselves, but not because what we’re doing is performative. It’s not about showing off, but it is about showing ourselves.
The old couple has been married for almost 60 years. Their little frame house was built about 40 years ago. They bought it new. Less than 1000 square feet has defined their married life as far as a house goes. They drive a modest little Toyota. About 8 years ago they constructed a small, micro-bedroom suite in their basement to see if they might rent it on Airbnb. Turns out it resulted in nightly rentals of about $50, which made an enormous difference in their financial lives. A godsend they’ll tell you.
They seem quite contented. Happy even.
Game nights with neighbors. Friends who have lived around them for years occupy their lives.
I have no idea what their financial situation looks like, but it appears their needs are met and financially, that’s good enough. Those other needs seem to be well under control as they march forward day by day. Month by month. Year by year.
Does it matter if miles away some other couple, years younger, may occupy a million-dollar house on a lake? Nope.
Does it matter if somebody else – even a close neighbor or friend – has an investment portfolio that makes them look pathetic? Nope.
Does it matter how they stack up financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually to anybody else? Nope.
And it’s got nothing to do with retirement really. Or being older. Mostly, it seems to have to do with living without shame. Living respectfully, respectably, honorably. Being the best human we know to be. Putting in the hard work to build the highest integrity possible.
I’ll add to it – because I’m an unashamed Christian – devoting ourselves fully to God, the Creator.
The Apostle Paul wrote to the congregation in Rome in Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”
Contrast that with another scripture that properly depicts a life of depravity, selfishness, and sin.
Jeremiah 6:15 “Were they ashamed when they committed abomination? No, they were not at all ashamed; they did not know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be overthrown,” says the LORD.”
Shame is helpful when we’re deserving of it. When we’re wrong it can help us course correct.
Shamelessness is beneficial when we’ve earned it. When our behavior gives us no reason to be ashamed.
Not because we’re better than somebody else because we can always find somebody doing it worse than us.
Not because we’re worse than somebody else because we can always find somebody doing it even worse.
Shame and shamelessness are uniquely our own merit based on right and wrong. Some of that, spiritually is an absolute truth, based on the Bible as the Word of God. Some of that, as in how we manage our retirement, is uniquely our own decision to navigate it however we choose.
I would hope by the time we reach retirement age we’ve learned a valuable lesson. What others choose to do in their retirement has no impact on us…unless we let it!
So what have I learned now that I’ve reached full retirement age…and now that I’m days away from getting my first Social Security check?
I could pine about what I might wish I’d done sooner, but that’s past and I now don’t have statistical time to do anything about it except perhaps to pass it on, but I’m going to refrain. Because if you’re younger, you stopped listening thinking, “Retirement? I’m decades away from that.” And if you’re older, then you’re in the same boat as me – it’s too late to do much about it now. For example, I could tell you I wish I’d invested MORE, earlier and just let it sit in something steady and slow like an S&P Index fund. But since I don’t really feel like I’ve got decades to ride out the stock market fluctuations, that’s not really helpful to me now. 😉
Here’s what I have learned that may be helpful though.
It’s your life, your money, and your choice. Nobody else gets a vote or a say. Unless you decide you’ll give it to them. Don’t.
It’s your responsibility. All of it. You’re not a victim except of your own bad decisions. Don’t repeat them. Fix them if you can. If you can’t, figure out the best way to move forward in spite of them.
It may not be what you most hoped for, but it can still be alright. Again, you must find a way forward. If that means lowering your expectations, then get busy and get ‘er done! Life isn’t going to wait so don’t waste it.
Debt will destroy you. Ditch it as quickly as possible. If you don’t have it, don’t take it on now. Other than health, it’s the single biggest game changer in determining the quality of your life.
Make up your mind to finish strong. Even if your start, or middle wasn’t spectacular…remember it’s how you finish. So finish strong!
Others. It’s not about you. It’s about your impact on others. Be as impactful as you can – in all the best ways. Do for others what they might be unable to do for themselves. Let service define your life. You get to decide what that looks like for you. I spend hours a day listening to people as they battle their challenges. I podcast. I create. I write. I preach. The root of it all is my urge to make a positive difference for others. Fundamentally it’s selfish I suppose because it may do much more for me than it does for somebody else. I do it because I’m wired for it, I love it and I learned long ago – I’m good at it.
Cash flowing life is for me the very best choice! Retirement doesn’t mean not earning income. I continue to work. The work isn’t the same. But income matters and I’m now focused on how much time I’ll trade for how much money. It’s a two-fold equation. How do I want to spend my days? How much do I want to earn? I’m harmonizing the two. For me, that works. You do you.
My financial goals have changed through the years. Today, I want to earn as much money as I make through Social Security. As a couple, if we can match that with our monthly earnings we’ll be more than comfortable. It’s not about opulence or being fancy. It’s about contentment and resting easy. Free of fretfulness and worry. As much as possible.
About a year ago I began to carefully plan this stage of life. As I put numbers into a spreadsheet of projected and real monthly expenses I had an epiphany. And I am just a man in search of an epiphany. I started thinking of income in terms of months of expenses. It happened when I put some money into a high-yield CD. When the CD matured I realized the return would be equal to a few months of total overhead. That made me start thinking in those terms. With investments and income. The game grew and became this question, “How many months of expenses can I defray – and how quickly?” So if a CD investment can shave off 2-3 months of expenses, then that leaves me with 9-10 months of income I need to earn to offset the balance of months.
Figure out what game you want to play and enjoy it. Embrace it. Execute it. Make the most of it and if it works swimmingly, great. If it doesn’t, adjust.
Fall in love every day.
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Establish your own priorities. This one is mine. I don’t always get it right, but it’s a constant point of emphasis. God comes first. He demands it.
I fall in love with Rhonda every single day. I chose to because I chose her. As we approach our 46th wedding anniversary I refuse to let complacency or boredom rule our marriage. I refuse to let any other human become a bigger priority. It doesn’t mean I love the rest of my family less because we all have a greater capacity for love than we likely realize. It means she’s THE priority for me though. And I hope to behave in a way that I continue to help her fall in love with me more every day.
Laugh. Smile.
It’s a verb. An action word. Do it. Find a way.
You see me post lots of cartoons. Ballard Street. Herman. Far Side. They make me laugh. Smile. Funny is a big part of my daily existence. I’m always interested in things I find funny. Like music, I can’t imagine living without humor.
Cry. Embrace sorrow.
Not just for yourself, but firstly, for others. Let the tears move you to do something if you’re able. If you’re not, let tears move you anyway because it means you’re not past feeling. It means your empathy is intact and that makes you a better human.
Give it a moment or a time. Don’t fall into a hole of darkness that’s hard to pull away from, but lean into sadness or sorrow. Know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Share. Don’t go it alone.
Be vulnerable with somebody. We’re all fighting a fight. We’re all happy about something. We need others to laugh with, to cry with, to plan with, to make our lives fuller. Richer.
We also need people who will push us to become better.
Some weeks ago upon greeting a client, I inquired how life was treating him. He said, “I couldn’t be better.” I replied, “Sure you could.” We laughed. It’s what I do. I laugh. I challenge. He knows I have no dog in the hunt except to help him become better. Always better!
Surround yourself with somebody – or a group of somebodies – who can do that for you.
Expel the unsafe people from your life. All of them. As quickly as you can.
Don’t confuse this with people who want your best and challenge you. While you need those people to be safe, understand their safety is because they have only your best interests at heart. There’s nothing in it for them except seeing you succeed.
Unsafe people are those people who do not have our best interests in mind. They’re only thinking of themselves. They want what they want and they mostly want you to conform to whatever will help them achieve their outcome. They’re filled with harsh, critical, self-based judgment and any errors or mistakes you make will probably be publicly held against you. In a word, they’re toxic.
You can’t get them out of your life fast enough. I’ve never anybody err on the side of removing such people too quickly. Mostly, because I don’t think it’s possible.
Keep asking, “Now what?”
Today is a page. Perhaps an entire chapter. As long as you’re alive you’re writing your life. Don’t stop writing.
Turn the page and figure out how to create the most profitable chapter you can today. Right now. This moment.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
Sorry. My usual show notes don’t exist. And I was too lazy this time of year to write them. But I do have a couple of calls to action.
One, join us over in the Facebook group if you care. I’d love to have you in the group.
Two, support my efforts to lean hard into video in 2024. My goal is to crowd-fund $1000. I’m about 50% there so it’s coming along. But you can help me out if you’d like (see below).
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
I appreciate you all very much. Thank you.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
The Reality Distortion Field. Guy “Bud” Tribble was Vice President of Software Technology at Apple Inc. As Apple was developing the first Macintosh computer in 1981, Bud used the term to describe Apple’s founder Steve Jobs. The term seems to have originated in a 1966 episode of Star Trek when it was used to describe how the aliens encountered by the crew of the starship Enterprise created their own new world through mental force.
It seems the great thinkers who are doers, like Steve Jobs, embrace (and enjoy) living in the reality distortion field of their own making. That is, they see things the rest of us don’t. Vivid imagination coupled with obsession drive produces the likes of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk.
Is it distortion though?
It is when compared to the current state. Coupling the term “reality” to it makes it seem as though it’s delusion. Something that’s inaccurate, or unreal. Not true to the reality. Like a photograph that’s distorted. Or the lenses in a pair of mis-prescribed glasses.
The achievements of self-driven maniacs to build great things, or to solve complex problems don’t seem to the result of delusion though. Rather, they seem to be imagined by people capable of seeing what the rest of us can’t. Yet.
“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle
The madness is subjective. What appears as madness to one feels ordinary to another.
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman
I think that term better conveys the truth, unreasonable. It’s less of a reality distortion field and more of an unreasonable – or beyond current reasoning – view of what is possible. It’s a reality bending field where the unreasonable man adapts or bends the current reality into a new, improved future reality. Then continues to do it over and over again.
Apple is introducing the iPhone 15. I’m currently producing today’s show on a 2023 Apple MacBook Pro. Nevermind that just this week Apple introduced some brand new MacBook Pro models. In 1984 I purchased the first Apple Macintosh computer. That was then. This is now. Not even Steve Jobs, in 2011 at the time of his death, could have imagined the current technology. Had he lived, he most certainly would have figured it out though – and who knows what bigger, better products may have emerged under the Apple brand name?
Steve Jobs died 12 years ago (October 5, 2011). Who knows what he may have imagined? Or what things he may have seen as persisted in trying to bend the present technology to fit his vision? It’s what unreasonable men do. Mostly, unreasonable people find a way, not an excuse.
We embrace different degrees and characteristics of unreasonableness as we navigate the various chapters of our life.
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” ― T.S. Eliot
How unreasonable are you? And in what ways – or about what things – are you unreasonable? Are they positive or destructive?
Some of the titans of innovation have been so focused on what they see and what they want that others around them pay a high price. Sometimes, it’s a price willingly paid. For example there are stories of high level employees of Apple and other high-performing companies where they burned out due to the intensity, pressure and elevated expectations. Opting for employment elsewhere, some experience boredom though because the pace is slower, the expectations lower and the strain much less difficult. In the absence of those things that burned them out they realized there was a void in their daily joy so they returned back to the company from which they resigned. Is that unreasonableness positive or destructive? Maybe both.
There are other stories of these mono-maniacs on a mission (Tom Peters coined that phrase in “In Search of Excellence”) who are incredibly accomplished at work, but miserable humans at home with family and friends. Unwilling, or unable to separate themselves from the pursuits they behave poorly in their private lives. In fact, many behave poorly professionally, but they often are able make that tyranny work for them inside the confines of their company. Armed with a lack of desire to be liked at work, they’re often unlikeable no matter where they go. Or no matter whom may be around them.
Again, an unreasonableness that is simultaneously positive and destructive. Positive in getting things done, even seemingly impossible things. Destructive in that the accomplishment takes a toll on relationships. The most unreasonable people don’t care though.
The hero worship desire may prompt us to apply benefit where no benefit is sought by the unreasonable person. We may ascribe the desire to solve some grand humane proble when the reality may be the unreasonable man is merely seeking to outrun a youthful shadow filled with angst, pain and suffering. A driven desire to be somebody special in order to prove an abusive mother or father wrong!
Perhaps the unreasonable person is simply driven to be rich and powerful. There may be nothing altruistic about their motives, but we may find it hard to fathom that somebody could be so driven for something so basic, so primal. Just as we hear said of every murder victim – “they were kind and helpful and loved by everybody” – we’re tempted to characterize the high-achieving unreasonable person as one who possessing a deep yearning to do good. History shows us that’s not accurate. And the kindest of murder victims was clearly not loved by everybody, especially their murderer.
Unreasonableness, like most things, isn’t an absolute. There are degrees and exceptions. On every extreme.
Awareness. Self-awareness. When it comes to our unreasonableness, our reasonableness and whether or not our conduct and behavior are helpful or harmful.
Lately, I’ve been focused on detrimental behavior. Mostly, my own, but also looking at all harmful conduct. What prompted most of this was the notions of struggle, adversity and suffering. Strength is improved by struggling to overcome or endure. In a word, it’s “resistance.” We grow and improve when we resist.
We weaken ourselves when we don’t.
Finding a way is about becoming an experienced warrior. Doing battle. It’s not about winning every battle, but it’s about fighting the fight and not losing so badly we’re unable to fight again.
Finding an excuse is looking for somebody or something to blame so we can avoid accepting responsibility. It’s about letting ourselves off the the accountability hook. Finding an excuse is avoiding the corner where the magic happens. That corner where we can back into and rid ourselves of all excuses. Where all the fuel for our excuses is extinguished. When we back ourselves into that corner we learn there’s only one way out. Forward.
But let’s avoid being confused…thinking all the answers are within ourselves. They’re not. God is the Creator. He’s God, we’re not. We need guidance through His Word. Do you want to learn more, then visit Let The Bible Speak, or In Thy Paths.
These choices are drastically different and they result in dramatically different outcomes.
We can spend our time finding excuses and we’ll find weakness, failure and inefficiency.
We can find a way and discover strength, resilience and success.
P.S. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving! I hope it’s a happy and safe one for you and your family. I’ll be taking off the next couple of weeks. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your friends.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
There's a Chinese proverb that declares owning two houses is a path toward madness. That's probably true, but I wouldn't know. I've never owned two houses 'cause I've never been part of the rich and famous. ;)I'm practical. And I'm not rich by American standards, but I'm extremely wealthy by global standards (and by my own measurements). I'm content with my life and grateful for every blessing - most of them are priceless any way!From my practical viewpoint I've never quite understood folks who maintain multiple houses. Even the super rich. The exceptions are those folks who spend a lot of time in multiple places. Do the math and it just doesn't make much sense to me. I remember reading about super rich who own homes all over the world. This particular article mentioned how many days each owner was at any given house. Outside of their primary residence, most spent mere days at the other places. At most. Some admitted they had not visited some of their houses in over a year. Yet, these houses - admittedly mansions each and every one - had hundreds of thousands invested annually just to maintain them. Given that you can rent anything from a single bedroom to a mansion, I just haven't figured out the economic sense of that kind of home ownership. But it's their money and I respect their right to do what they want with their own money. I don't get a vote. I don't want a vote, but I would like to understand. Could be it's far more satisfying to claim ownership of all those houses.At a more common level may be people who have a primary house, then some vacation house. Years ago I first encountered somebody up lived in a northern state. They'd talk about going to "the cabin" on a weekend. I had visions of some nice getaway place in a remote area. Maybe on a lake. Certainly in some woods. Turns out they had a very small place in a more touristy area that was by a lake. I never saw it in person, but pictures of it showed it was a very modest little 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom house built decades ago. They had purchased it for under $50,000 many years ago and the annual cost was as close to nothing as you could probably get. They'd go visit this place each month, sometimes more. Rather than plan annual vacations they had decided - years earlier - to invest in a single place they felt they could enjoy year after year. That made sense to me.I know some other folks who invested in a vacation place they weren't able to visit more than a couple of times a year, but it was a place where they hoped to retire one day. As the years rolled on, the property value increased proving they had made a smart purchase by buying it when they could afford it. In some cases, the cost of living in some of these places escalated beyond their reach and they found it better to sell. Sure, they made a handsome profit, but that retirement goal was completely wrecked. In other cases, the property value went up but the people could still afford to cash out of their primary residence to retire to what was once their vacation house.Having a second place to go - a place to get away to - appeals to many of us. Maybe it's fully an American thing to own a second place versus being able to rent a place. Calling it our own certainly feels differently. But it can feel badly if it's too expensive or too much work.Sometimes the things that seem awesome turn out to become a big nightmare. Here's an article by Financial Samurai, Reasons Why You Should Not Buy A Vacation Property." You'll find lots of online information and many horror stories. I'm sure for some, it works out magnificently, but it deserves sober thought and an awareness of what could go wrong.But I'm not here to tell anybody what to do. Rather, I'm going to share what we're doing and then you can figure out what lessons might benefit you.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 Goal
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with. —Mark TwainRhonda and I went on our first date on July 2, 1975. On January 2, 1978 we were married. This coming January 2, 2024 will mark our 46th anniversary.Today, let's talk about marriage. More accurately, let's just dip our toe in the water of conversation about marriage.Enjoy this old Vince Gill song about old love.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
So we can take full advantage of what they know. Their insights, experience and wisdom need to be more easily passed on.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
Critics are men who watch a battle from a high place, then come down and shoot the survivors. -Ernest HemingwayI was 11 when I learned how men will clamor for power and authority. Sitting along side my father I watched men wrangle, argue and get worked up. Cooperation was absent. Collaboration wasn’t even an afterthought. The only objective was, "Who is in charge?" And it was apparent to me that more than more man wanted the role. Hence, the wrangling.Life rolled on and as a young teenager working in a stereo store I saw more of the pecking order. I'd grown up seeing it so it wasn't new. First appearance was likely on the playground as we'd all try to figure out what we'd play. Invariably somebody installed themself as the contrarian - the person who would go against what everybody else wanted. I quickly realized it had nothing to do with preference and everything to do with control. Power. Authority. Hoping to gain an advantage that might be imposed on the rest of us. Thankfully, I grew up in an American that wasn't yet awakened. #Woke Mostly, such tactics didn't work because we refused to cooperate. Lemmingitus would arrive later in America. It's now a global epidemic.Bullies almost always ran up against a tougher opponent. Or a group of people who figured together they could conquer a single bully who might have a few buddies hanging on. I was still in elementary school when I learned a verbal punch to the mouth could back a bully down. Quickly. It didn't hurt that I wasn't a shrimpy kid. I was tall and husky. Husky was once a size of boy's clothing. ;) True.Bravery to confront the bully wasn't hard for me. Watching, listening, paying close attention taught me mostly there was substantially louder barking than actual biting. Besides, I wasn't terribly afraid of being bitten. Justice and rightness were more important to me. And peace.By the time I was in 6th grade I was a world-class peace keeper. Experience will do that. I've no way of knowing how many fights I broke up. Or how many arguments I shut down. Enough that it taught me lifelong lessons in how to do it successfully.Mostly, I didn't want to be in charge, but I didn't want anybody else to be either. That is, I knew my parents were my authority - and God. But we're all out here in the yard playing and why did we need somebody to be in charge? Seemed best that we all just work to some agreement so we could get on with the business of playing before it got dark and we all had to go home. Playing was way more fun than arguing or fussing.I grew up. And increasingly saw men (I'm excluding women only because as a boy growing up my experience was mostly with other men) willing to behave poorly as they fought for positions of power. Or esteem.Pride goeth before a fall.I'd learned that from the Bible. Heard it preached at worship services. Knew Bible stories that illustrated it well.Ecclesiastes 10:6 Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones.I believed it.I confess I've never had a day where I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Or the playground. Or at work. Or in the classroom. Rather, I knew I was not. Always dissatisfied with current knowledge and understanding I sought to learn more. Curious enough to ask the stupid question, I'd blindly ask without much thought to how ridiculous it might make me look. I figured I looked and sounded ridiculous anyway, so I might as well know and understand whilst looking and sounding ridiculous!As with most episodes, I've given this subject considerable thought for a long, long time. Mostly because my curiosity continues to grow on the subject of power, authority, control and tyranny.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop.
Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure. - Thomas A. EdisonPlease tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
During my first few months at a brand new job - my first job where I wasn't working for my dad - I had a routine. I'd get out of class, drive to work and within minutes of walking into the stereo shop I would make my way to one of the sound rooms (yep, we had actual rooms with various stereo equipment set up; each room had sliding glass patio doors). I'd slip the vinyl out of the jacket, put the record on the turntable, grab a record cleaner called DiscWasher and clean it. Then, I'd lower the tonearm, turn up the volume knob on the amp and enjoy listening to Earth, Wind & Fire sing their famous song, "Shining Star." The beginning (and middle and end) of that song continues to be among my all-time favorites. It was a terrific record."You're a shining star, no matter who you are. Shining bright to see what you can truly be." Let's get the obvious out of the way. Not everybody has the same brilliance in their shine. Truth is, some of us are quite dim with no shine at all. Dull. The wasted lives are visible proof. Too many lifeless eyes and emotionless expressions thanks to alcohol, Fentanyl and other narcotics.Others are so bright others have a hard time even looking at them (or listening to them). Most have overcome adversities few fully know or understand. People determined to find a path forward. Resolved to reach a higher orbit where only the shining people reside.Notice the lyric isn't "I'm a shining star, no matter who I am." Well, that doesn't quite have the ring, but I notice pronouns. You're - you are isn't the same as I'm - I am. But the "no matter who you are" is inclusive, right?In our heads, we don't often think or feel like shining stars. It's easy to see others as shining more brightly than we do. Just like it's easier to focus on what we don't have, than on what we do. Or to focus on what we can't do versus what we can. It's like we're always doing exactly the opposite of what's good for us.I've noodled around with this particular episode for over 3 years. The draft beginning has sat here inside my Wordpress dashboard that long. I'd come to look at it, think about it, write a little bit, then abandon it. Don't know why.It's not because I didn't like the topic. I guess I got distracted by other things. The likely explanation is that it's just too upbeat and positive. :DRhonda's last birthday - this past summer - provoked a revisit of today's show idea. I used to whip her with a letter on every birthday. I don't mean the letter R or some other letter, but a hand-written or typed out letter. I haven't done it the last couple of years because I know it beats her down. She's not nearly as sappy or sentimental as I am. ;)I can't quite remember what prompted the beginning of this episode. Maybe I was thinking about Rhonda being the foremost shining star in my life. And now, as we're nearing the end of another year, maybe that provoked some ideas.Then there's all this talk about mental health and the recent suicides in the news.Then there's the rampant disease of comparison-itis where so many folks let other people determine their level of satisfaction or happiness. It's especially rampant during the summer, vacation months where people Instagram their exotic vacation photos. And others view them with envy wishing they could afford a single night at a local fancy hotel. Envy is a bitter thing.As I am wont to do, I was thinking of these, and a variety of other things when I came back to this post.A person you love very much. Let's start there. In my case, my wife of over 40 years. Who celebrated a birthday last Sunday. Our family is officially celebrating this coming Sunday. We do things like that. Delay celebrations to match a more convenient time for everybody.I was playing that Earth, Wind & Fire record - That's The Way Of The World - as soon as it came out in January 1975. Rhonda and I wouldn't go out on our first date until July 2, 1975.
Many motivational speakers talk about having had a bad day. Most go on to share how they lost it all, or how life crushed them down below the ground level. Or left them homeless and destitute. But...The Phoenix will always rise back up.Never mind that quite a few stories we hear are fabricated. But not all of them.Let's talk about truth though. True stories. Your story. My story.Reality. "You had a bad day."Pain is a common topic for many people. I'm not talking about physical, injury-based or sickness-based pain. I'm talking about victim-based pain. "You hurt me," kind of pain. "You did me wrong," kind of pain.The Internet has increasingly become a place where people enjoy airing out all their dirty laundry and pining about how much trauma they've experienced. For those inclined to see themselves as victims, the Internet is boomtown! A thriving place to enjoy feeling sorry for oneself. And for blaming others for one's lot in life.In spite of Tik Tok influencers who want to blast the boomers (my generation) for failing to understand things like work ethic, or why we have no clue about life in the world today, or a host of other complaints which every younger generation makes about the older generation (read your history and you'll find many of those hippies who attended Woodstock went on to become quite successful on Wall Street and other places associated with financial success). Every generation thinks it's the smartest one to ever come along until they get old and realize how wrong they were. ;)I don't care about where anybody is on the timeline of life because there's nothing we can do about it. I didn't have a say in being a baby boomer. I just was. My kids had no say in being Gen X or Millennial. By the way, if you're as confused as I am about these labels I found this chart to be helpful.Until I saw that chart I didn't know there were 2 distinct groups of Boomers. It's such a big group I suppose they figured it deserved to be split up. Generation Jones Boomers are those, like me, who were too young to be drafted into military service because of the war in Viet Nam. Our parents were mostly those Post War folks, people whose dad served in World War II.Times Are Always ChangingAnd with it, language. Words like trauma.For my generation trauma, suffering and pain denote something very different than they do for a Gen Z person. Being slighted by somebody, snubbed or even ridiculed isn't any of those things for me, but they're common among Gen Z. If you were write a mean, hateful review of this podcast for Apple Podcasts I would not think much of it. I certainly wouldn't be traumatized by it. It would likely cause me no discomfort. I might be puzzled by it, but my viewpoint would have a lot more to do with the author of the review than me. I'd likely wonder what's happening on somebody's life that might compel them to use such a platform to air their grievance. And it'd be likely that the person to write such a review would have never reached out to me because that's not how these things tend to go.But take that same scenario and apply it to a podcaster half my age and it could devastate them. Might even cause them to quit podcasting. A single hateful review.A complete stranger wielding that kind of power seems strangely weird to me, but I see it constantly. Podcasters (and anybody else doing something) consider themselves traumatized by some unjust critic. The trauma is only possible because we give others permission. We say YES to whatever it is we think is happening. Or we reject it and move on with our life, which is what I choose to do.A person has a bad day. They take it out on me. And that affects me how? It doesn't if I don't let it. It can cause me to have a day, too - IF I permit. IF I decide I'm going to be negatively impacted by some ninnie who has no clue about me, or my life, or what's going on with me - some stranger who happens to ...
During a recent summertime hike we approached the bridge. A recent storm had blown through and knocked down a tree that fell across the bridge. Not a big deal. We just stepped over it carefully. Thankfully the bridge didn't suffer any major damage. Neither did we. It was an obstacle that wasn't there the last time we trekked through the area. It only slowed us down slightly.Some obstacles are like that. At first glance we may exclaim, "Oh no!" --- only to realize, it's not that bad. Or tough.Some obstacles are worse. That tree could have collapsed the entire bridge forcing us to improvise by adjusting our course over the creek below. The trek would have been slightly more difficult. The path wouldn't have been as straight-forward or smooth, but we could have followed the path forward. Mostly, it would have been an inconvenience.Life has shown me that's how most obstacles are. An inconvenience.We often make them out to be worse than they really are because they're unexpected. They make us spend more time lamenting their existence than we may in figuring out how to effectively navigate past them.Other obstacles are different and those are the ones I'm most focused on today. The obstacles that present themselves because we're intentionally forging a new path. A better path. One we believe will take us further. Or faster. And because it's a new path things appear like obstacles, but we really have no way to know because we've never ventured this way before. I wonder if we're seeing things correctly.For the past year plus I've spent considerable time analyzing a podcast that I began in June 2021 - Hot Springs Village Inside Out. I started the show with a co-host, but a year in we both got COVID and I had a whole lot going on. I remained very active behind the scene doing all the production work, including posting the shows and all that mundane but necessary work required to get a podcast out in the ether. I lost interest in co-hosting for a variety of reasons - mostly because it was a podcast about a specific community and I wasn't there as much as I wanted to be. My co-host lived their full-time. It just made sense to me to step away, clear my head - and my deck of all the stuff going on and figure out a path forward. A different, new path.In March 2023 I moved forward from The Yellow Studio v2.0 to v3.0. Then by May I moved forward some more by going to The Yellow Studio v3.1. You should know that when I built/assembled The Yellow Studio, I'd never done anything like that before. I started from scratch and had to learn. A lot! Over 20 years ago things were much more difficult and complicated. The technology for podcasting didn't easily exist. For a podcaster to do what I most wanted to do - operate using a broadcast workflow - it was hard and expensive because it required hardware. I wanted to hit RECORD and have my sound be as good as being on a Skype call. Yes, Virginia, we were once relegated to making Skype calls because all these other services like Zoom didn't exist.This meant lots of hardware and even more cabling. Routing those cables was a major obstacle when once conquered left you staring in the face of yet another monster, adjusting the hardware so it'd sound just right. No sooner had I hurdled one obstacle, then I'd be facing a higher hurdle. Or so it seemed. Mostly because the learning curve was steep. But...Once the obstacles were overcome - and they all were - then it was easy. I simply fired up the machinery, got behind the mic and hit RECORD. Only if a cable or connector failed - or forbid, a piece of equipment failed (yes, it happened a few times), I had a very predictable workflow that...well, it just worked.Every path forward will most certainly have obstacles, if only your need to learn something new. Usually, there'll be other obstacles brought about by the result of traveling an unknown path. It's why forward progress is such an individual and personal journey.
I launched my webcam, put on headphones and sat behind the microphone to record "An Oral History." Parts 1 and 2 were recorded on March 11, 2011. Part 3 was recorded on January 16, 2017. Part 4 was recorded on June 23, 2022. I gave my children copies of Parts 1, 2 and 3. I haven't yet shared Part 4.Fifteen to twenty years ago I first crafted a document I named, "When I Die." In it, I outlined, in some details, what I most wanted to happen when I die. I would regularly change and edit the document, often driven by the death of somebody. The deaths of close friends would spark greater editing. Life events then began to dramatically impact the document. As my life changed I'd edit the document. I changed the document drastically in the fall of 2018 when I went through some dark times. Since then I've changed it more slightly - tweaking it. I just finished making minor refinements to it this morning, sparked mostly because of the death of "the last man standing."I made this post on Facebook on July 10, 2023...The Last Man StandingHe was among a select group of older men who helped shape, influence and challenge me to become better. Always better.Johnny Elmore, Ronny Wade, Barney Owens and Don King were the giants in my life. Trusted advisors I could call about anything. Everything. And I did call them. I leaned on them because they were stalwart men I could count on.The Lord's work was always their top priority. My spiritual best was unquestioned. For wise counsel, caring challenges, or correction, I found none better than this group of men. They knew God's Word and how to apply it to our lives. They hopefully saw me at my best, but most importantly, they helped when things were at their worst.Loving the Lord and His Church was THE common bond, but all four shared a wit, wisdom and humor that resonated with me since I was very young. They were fun. Funny. And it mattered. Men who could laugh at themselves, and others. Men who were slow to "should" me ("you should do this or that"). Instead, they were men open to question. To question the answers we may have thought we already knew. To answer the questions we may have not yet dared to ask. Truth seekers, each one of them. Truth tellers, all of them.I loved them all very much. For their knowledge, experience, insights, wisdom and candor.Don was the last man standing in my small, but vital circle of influence. At Ronny's passing I told him so. We talked about how as life rolls along we lose our mentors. I told him I may have to "get younger at that position." But there's no getting younger at that position. There's only the acknowledgement and gratitude that I had them for as long as I did. And I tried to make the most of it without being too intrusive. I came of age under the tutelage of these men. They were watchful protectors over every significant event and decision I made.In just a matter of months three of them were gone. Barney. Johnny. Ronny. I told Don I hoped we'd have many more years together in the journey. I said, "I'm unprepared to go it alone without at least one old man in my life...tag you're it!" We chuckled...unaware of how little time we had. But in spite of his health challenges in recent years as his outward man began to perish, I was confident that Don's inner man was being renewed day by day. That's a confidence I had in all four of the old men in my life. It's why I was always anxious to hear their wisdom, listen to their counsel and make my decisions accordingly.I'm thankful to have sat in the presence of these four giants who each helped me stand when I might have crumbled. Men whose influence is sure to outlive them. I loved them all. And felt loved back by each of them.The following audio was recorded in my house on Friday afternoon, April 19, 2013 when Don and I recorded a conversation about building a good Christian home - a recording I made for a handful of young men I was hoping to serve at the time.
"Thank you" is not just a complete sentence, but it's a complete prayer. Not comprehensive, but complete.Today's special, unscheduled episode addresses the fear mongering, the pessimism, the mayhem, the poor (pathetic) behavior worldwide and why we ought to intentionally exercise gratitude, optimism and fight!Something or somebody will have dominion over you. You get to decide. Sadly, many are allowing media, culture, government or opinions of others to rule their lives. Jerry Van Amerongen, my all-time favorite cartoonist, created this humorous approach to dominion. But it's a serious matter, deciding whom you'll serve. Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers only played this song 60 times. Tom played it by himself just once. I guess after writing the song Tom figured it really was time to move on. At certain points in life, a song like this could serve as a theme. We reach a point where we need a change. Or where we want one. Sometimes, a change is kinda sorta forced on us by circumstances. We need to leave something behind and start something different. Something new, hopefully, better.The older we get the more we encounter the need to move on. Sometimes it's a physical need. It's always psychological. Emotional (that just means we have feelings about it - it doesn't mean we're necessarily dramatic about it).Our lives are largely defined by routines. Okay, sometimes our routines become ruts, but mostly our routines serve us. They keep us sane and on track. They prevent us from having to add a million little unnecessary decisions, giving us the opportunity to do many things on auto-pilot without much thought. They help us combat anxiety. Routines are wise tools.Until they no longer serve us.Or until they're detrimental.A routine can be different than the morning rituals you may be thinking about. A routine can be the current state of your life. The ways things are - and the way they have been for a while. There's no time limit required to qualify something as "routine."Nothing lasts forever. Well, to be more accurate - most things don't. That includes the circumstances of our life, which are part of our routines. It's the current state of things in our life. Current is a description that would indicate the present, which implies there's a past and a future. Things change. Sometimes we move on. Or we should.How can we know when it's time to move on?Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
Be a buffalo. It's an old tale, which happens to be true. It was also a podcast episode here.Courage is hard. Fear is easy.We're all afraid, but that's no excuse to avoid fending off our monsters...and cutting them down to size. Or pulling them up by the roots!Let's lean harder toward wisdom and away from our foolishness...and our fears.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email meHelp Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see.To help, click the link (or the image below) to donateSweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).Thank you!
Wishing you well on this first Monday in September. I’m hoping to finish 2023 strong. You?
Thank you. All of you. For your time and attention.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
It’s continuous improvement. That’s the objective.
The thing being improved? Storytelling.
It really boils down to all communication.
I wrote down the title of today’s show in a little notebook years ago. I was thinking about this podcast and the craft of podcasting. I’ve purchased and read many books on storytelling. Exceptional storytellers are rare. Most people are guilty of today’s title – filling their story with unnecessary (extraneous) details that don’t contribute to the story at all.
Let’s wrestle with this idea a bit and see if we can learn to lean more toward wisdom.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com).
Thank you!
A special episode. Answering a few questions, sharing some insights and updating you on the goings on inside The Yellow Studio.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular. The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see. To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com). Thank you!
mor·a·to·ri·um
noun: a temporary prohibition of an activity I caught myself wanting to put a temporary prohibition on something. Frankly, I want to put a moratorium on a few things. You?
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• Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular. The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see. To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com). Thank you!
Today's show was provoked, in some part, by this article entitled, Why 'No One Wants to Work Anymore': Pandemic Market Boom Let Millions Retire.
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• Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular. The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see. To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate B&H Photo E-Gift Cards (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com). Thank you!
Luke chapter 12
13 And one out of the multitude said unto him, Teacher, bid my brother divide the inheritance with me. 14 But he said unto him, Man, who made me a judge or a divider over you? 15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth. 16 And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully: 17 and he reasoned within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have not where to bestow my fruits? 18 And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my grain and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, be merry. 20 But God said unto him, Thou foolish one, this night is thy soul required of thee; and the things which thou hast prepared, whose shall they be? 21 So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.
2023 has been an angst filled year for almost everybody I've encountered. Is that because I'm old? Is it because more of us are about to turn 65 than ever before? Experts who track such things say that in 2024 more Americans will turn 65 than ever before. Maybe that's got something to do with it.
Daily conversations seem focused on income, saving, investing, spending, and acquiring. Some are focused on preparing for a better relationship, but with a focus on financially being in a better place that may foster more success with that relationship. All with some goal in mind. For some, it's a quest for a more grand lifestyle, but for most, it's something more...different. It's a desire move. To start a new, different career. To find or deepen a relationship.
Little doubt that income, saving, investing and spending are big, big topics for all of us.
For some, they're all encompassing because of the importance placed on them.
For others, they're important and assume a prominent place because of the impact they seem to have on just about everything in our lives.
For some, they're more practical. These are matters are a means to an end. But even then, they can sometimes bubble to the top of the food chain because our world is so focused on them.
How rich are you?
How do you define rich?
Health. Does that factor into the equation? Are you doing anything to give yourself an advantage with your health?
Love. Is that part of the math? How do you measure it? Who is the object of your love? What are you doing to be more lovable? What you doing to give more love?
God. Is He part of the formula? Is He an overthought? Is He even a thought at all?
Suppose to live to be 100, then you die. What do you think happens next? Do you think that's it, that's all. It's over? Or do you think you will continue to live in another realm, a new dimension you've not yet experienced?
Compared to eternity a single century isn't even a blip on a radar. It's a single grain on sand on every beach on earth. But in this moment, it seems as though it's all that matters. That's how the rich farmer viewed life in that parable. He was wrong. Wrong for being too focused on accumulating weath. Wrong for thinking he had enough time to relax and enjoy himself. Deadly wrong in leaving God out of his plans for becoming rich. We don't want to make that same mistake.
Click the images below if you care to hear more about God's Word.
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Figuring it out.
That's the point of today's show. Come to think of it...that's the point of every episode.
What are you most curious about? What would you most like to understand? Let's scatter shoot and consider some things. We'll see where it takes us.
Here are just a few things we'll talk about.
My favorite shirts are made by Duluth Trading.
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My favorite action pants are made by Union Bay.
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Finances are a big deal. The smaller your income, the bigger the deal. ;)
Let's talk about a few important things:
• The 3 steps to financial "know-how" = 1) know where you are, 2) know where you want to go and 3) figure out how to get there • The power of comparing ourselves against one another (it's a negative power) • A heavy dose of commentary along the way (and humor, too)
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• Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular. The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I'd like you to see. To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate B&H Photo E-Gift Cards (use RandyCantrell@gmail.com). Thank you!
Matt D'Avella is a minimalist. He's also a photographer and film maker. He directed the documentary, MINIMALISM featuring The Minimalists, described in Wikipedia as "The Minimalists are American authors, podcasters, filmmakers, and public speakers Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, who promote a minimalist lifestyle."
My first exposure to this notion of minimalism was reading a blog by Leo Babauta, Zen Habits. I was reading Leo's stuff about productivity. He was living in Guam with wife and kids and life didn't seem all that ideal, but somewhere along the way Leo started questioning his lifestyle, including smoking. He began to shift his content into taking better care of himself. That included reducing clutter and things in his life that no longer made sense to him. Prior to his writing, I'd never heard the term "minimalism."
The lifelong best friends - The Minimalists - took the lifestyle to a whole new level with their content. Somewhere along the way entered a guy named Joshua Becker, On Becoming Minimalist. Then Matt came along. I've followed all of them from their beginnings even though I didn't adhere to the life they were evangelizing. This all goes back to at least 2010 so I clearly wasted a whole bunch of time, but life gets in the way. For all of us. But that's no excuse!
Part of this movement is steeped in revolution. A revolution against consumerism, sales and marketing, consumption and perhaps capitalism itself. But as a guy who has followed this movement since the beginning, it mostly seems steeped in questioning, "What do I value? What do I value most?" That's why I continue to follow it more closely than probably any other thing I've followed in the past decade. And I'm not coming from a place of sustainability, being green, being eco-friendly, reducing our carbon footprint or some other viewpoint focused on a doomsday perspective.
The documentary shows 2 friends - The Minimalists - who came to this lifestyle through their own independent, yet congruent, paths. Success. Pursuing bigger money and more things. Broken relationships. Short-term pleasure that seemed to only result in longer-term pain, or void.
I've personally found the principles espoused by all of these creators based on a pursuit much like mine here at Leaning Toward Wisdom. Growth, improvement, figuring it out and doing it better. Wiser.
That's why you find all of them talking about things like living with less, eliminating debt, ditching the clutter, contentment, going small, enjoying more freedom, deepening relationships, refusing to be slaves to things. I know their message doesn't resonate with everybody, but I've watched the movement grow exponentially in the past 10-15 years. And it's not lost on me, as pointed out in the documentary, that is about the time we were just trying to come out of the 2008 crash when this movement began. I'm certain that event had something to do with the discontentment of many people, compelling the question, "What are we doing?"
Questions are good. Questioning ourselves is wise. Well, to be more accurate...answering the questions we ask of ourselves is. For example, we hear this question frequently: "What's the worst thing that can happen?" Funny how rarely we ever hear an answer though. That's where the profit is - in the answer.
What are we buying?
Why?
There are other worthwhile questions.
Do we need it?
What's the utility of it?
Can we do without it?
If we forego buying it, what will we really be missing - if anything?
Since buying a new house and making two moves simultaneously - and juggling two living locations - we've experienced greater spending than ever. This is an unprecedented experience for us because we've never done anything like this. The spending hasn't been impulsive or frivolous though. And the overwhelming majority of the expenditures have been in things that will enhance life, enhance enjoyment and last years.
Back in May I published a podcast episode entitled Spending Control: How's That Working Out For You?
A recent move required all kinds of seemingly extraneous spending. Okay, maybe not extraneous, but aggravatingly excessive from what I wanted. There's moving, truck rentals, fuel, boxes, landscaping, appliances, window coverings, blah, blah, blah.
Well, I'm currently embarking on getting The Yellow Studio version 4.0 assembled. And with two residences there are just some costs that can't be helped, along with a few that could be helped...but we're trying to be strategic about it. For instance, we've got some furniture at place A and some furniture at place B. When family visits place B we need some things - like a place to sleep for one or more kids - that we may not need when place A and place B morph more into a singular place. Even though we're going to keep a place A and a place B they're not forever going to look like they do now. We knew for a year or so we'd kinda sorta be scrambling, but being a bit of a spreadsheet nerd I can report that we've not spent all that much money in redundant items. But still - there are days when it feels like I just want to cut up the credit cards, unplug from the Internet and see if we can go 6 months without buying anything!
I've spent about $400 in clothing, including some new shoes, shirts and pants. I've spent about that much in the past 6 years total, not including buying winter beanies on sale (I got quite a few $20-30 beanies for $5 a piece once the winter weather went away). I don't budget $100 a year for clothing. Gone are the days of buying suits on sale. Or dress shirts. And ties.
A few hundred bucks on things like vacuum cleaner, mops, brooms.
A few hundred bucks on step ladders and a bigger ladder (for cleaning gutters out).
About $500 on things like a leaf blower, water hose, a nice (world-class) nozzle, a rake, etc.
A few hundred bucks on some outdoor back patio furniture, but it's made of that fancy polywood which doesn’t fade, crack or deteriorate.
On and on it goes - a few hundred bucks here, a few hundred there. Pretty soon, it starts to add up.
Now, we're not spending money we don't have, but that doesn't lessen the pain of it. We're not trying to burn through it as fast as we can. We're just finding ourselves needing some things in place B and some things in place A. And some things we need in both places.
The big ticket stuff has been (in this order): appliances (refrigerator, washer and dryer), landscaping at place B and minor construction work for Rhonda's sewing space and The Yellow Studio 4.0. These involved a few thousand dollars each. But the ROI (return on investment) for these is also among the highest because these things are all long term benefits. We won't likely need to replace any of the appliances within the next 10 years or more. Rhonda's sewing room mods and my studio mods are going to last longer than 10 years.
We've spent about $1000 on fixtures/furniture for her sewing room and The Yellow Studio v4.0. We've likely got another few hundred bucks to go to finish both spaces out. Again, these are long lasting items that we'll certainly get our use out of.
Let's talk about these 3 activities and see what we can learn from our foolishness - and wisdom.
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“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” – John F. Kennedy
Any fool can wish, but the wise plan.
“It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” – Peter F. Drucker
“Someone’s sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.” – Warren Buffett
Today's show was sparked by yet another online article about retirement 'cause I get inundated with them. But in reality, the subject is planning for the future - something every wise person pursues.
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Geoffrey (my dad) and me
I wrote down the title of today's episode on November 22, 2014 at 11:31pm. But that was then, this is now.
It's getting hot here in Dallas.
About a week away from Thanksgiving in 2014. The beginning of the holiday season.
Here in America the annual "holiday season" kicks off, literally on Thanksgiving week. Families will gather around big tables filled with all the usual high-calorie foods, including one appropriately named, "stuffing." And we will stuff.
Here in Dallas, we've got a little football game that has been a tradition since 1966. Every year the Dallas Cowboys host a Thanksgiving Day game. Now college teams are getting in on the action. It's a post-meal tradition that results in a bigger game beyond the one played in the stadium --- seeing who can stay awake to actually watch football.
The day is a celebration. The actual giving of thanks is likely more subtle in most homes. People who may not think of praying to thank God for the food might do it on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day. But I suppose simply being surrounded by friends and family causes even the callous among us to have moments of awareness that whisper, "This is nice." Not all "thank you's" are filled with spotlights and loud public address systems. Some just happen in our head. Quietly.
When you get older and your tribe has increased, you may be more prone to giving thanks. And when I say "tribe," I don't mean Seth Godin's version - those folks who will buy your stuff. I mean family, the only kind of tribe I personally recognize. I'm happy you're here, listening to the podcast but I don't consider you part of my tribe. I consider you a friend.
The holiday season wraps up with the New Year's Eve celebration. Generally, people go from eating more than they should on Thanksgiving Day to spending more than they should for Christmas to drinking too much on New Year's Eve. For quite a few, it's more about excess and over-doing-it than anything! But no matter what you do, or how you choose to live during this time of year, it's universally a time spent with friends and family. And if Thanksgiving Day is a day to consider what we're most thankful for, then New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are days to reflect on the previous year and ponder what a new year may bring. Some are hopeful. Others, not so much.
Ironically, New Year's Day is the time when many people "resolve" to make some improvement. Studies report that most fail. And rather quickly. Less than 3% of all resolutions ever come to fruition. And that might be generous.
As I sit here sweating in June, thinking of cooler times and family, I think of the people who surround me. The ones who call me Dad, or Pappa. We don't need to wait until "the holidays" to realize the responsibility we have to our tribe, that clan of people with whom we're related, either by blood kinship or by marriage. When you're a father, it's mostly the responsibility you feel toward your children, their spouses and their children --- your grandchildren. If you think about it too much the enormity of the circumstance might weaken your stance. Or, it might give you greater resolve and purpose. Oddly enough, it might even do both at the same time.
I was almost 21 when I became a husband. I was 23 when I first became a father. That was almost 43 years ago. It was August 17, 1980 - the hottest summer on record for consecutive 100 degree days in this part of the world. Rhonda was miserable that summer. We had a son, Ryan.
Four generations (2017)
Over 10 years ago my son had a son, his first. And just like that, there were 3 generations of us. My father is 99. That makes 4 generations alive simultaneously. 99. 66. 42. 10. It's an average span of 30 plus years between generations that runs from 1922 to 2023.
My fatherhood is now a generation away four times over. I've got five grandchildren. It's an odd thing for which one can't fully prepare.
I'm going to take a few weeks off from LTW, but first...let's talk about a few things, including podcasting, podcasting stats and the future (and the past).
Thank you for giving me a chunk of your time and attention.
Links:
Ask The Podcast Coach (Dave Jackson) The Average Guy TV (Jim Collison) Earthworks ETHOS mic RodeCaster Pro 2 My other podcasts are GrowGreat.com and HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com Some favorite YouTube channels include... Peter Santenello Soft White Underbelly Frank Watkinson Rick Beato Real Stories Tim Pierce Guitar
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Clayton M. Christensen died back in 2020. He was a 67-year-old Harvard Business School professor and management guru. He authored books, “The Innovator’s Dilemma” and “How Will You Measure Your Life?" Clayton had leukemia.
The title of today's show was taken from a Wall Street Journal article about him. He was a man of faith, a Morman. While attending Oxford University, where he also played basketball, he refused to play in a championship basketball game (he was 6' 8"). Wrote Clayton, “Had I crossed the line that one time, I would have done it over and over in the years that followed."
Professor Christensen observed that in the next life God wouldn't likely ask him about being a Harvard professor, but would instead inquire,
Can we just talk about the individual people you helped become better people?
His 2012 book, "How Will You Measure Your Life?" bespoke how he was driven by faith...not just business. Evidently, he believed helping others was a large component of living a good life. That's our topic in this episode of Leaning Toward Wisdom.
It's also on my mind because today is June 10th - my wife's birthday. She's the single most important person in my life and has definitely helped me become better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May the sun always be in your eyes. ;)
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I'm biased.
In favor of superior customer service. I'm fanatical about it. Always have been.
I've spent my professional life operating retailing companies so delivering extraordinary customer experiences has been a top priority for me. And I know a secret - it's not that hard once you make up your mind to deliver it. The problem is very few companies or professionals have made up their mind that they'll excel at it.
Today's world isn't much different than when i started selling stereo gear back in the 70s. Doing what you'll say is still a major advantage.
So why don't more people do it? Because it's a commitment to something most aren't committed to.
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I cry every day.
I laugh out loud every day.
Until or unless we feel something...nothing changes. Feelings can drive our actions and behaviors. I've never known a person embark on growth or self-improvement until they first felt something that compelled a change.
What are you trying to help people feel? What feelings do you hope you're provoking others to have toward you?
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PNC.com has these 10 recommendations in a post entitled, How To Stop Spending Money.
- Create a budget.
- Visualize what you’re saving for.
- Always shop with a list.
- Nix the brand names.
- Master meal prep.
- Consider cash for in-store shopping.
- Remove temptation.
- Hit “pause.”
- Think reusable.
- Keep at it!
There are probably millions of lists like this. Some are just as profound as this one. 😉
I intentionally used the phrase “spending control.” It’s impossible to stop spending money unless you’re dead. But it’s very possible to get a better grip on our spending if we want to.
Why This…Why Now?
In early March we sold our house of 25 years and moved. Clearly, it had been 25 years since we’d done it so we weren’t exactly in game shape. Lots of things have changed since the late 90s. Our age tops the list. The economy is right up there, too. Our life circumstances, too. Back then we were a family of 4 with two high schoolers. Now we’re an older couple with almost 20 years experience in being empty nesters.
Then there’s the practical realities associated with our selling our house. We had a built-in refrigerator so there was no refrigerator to move. We included the washer and dryer with the sale of the house…so no laundry to move. That’s great on the front end, but when you move you need a refrigerator and a laundry pair. So you have to buy them.
Then there’s the impractical realities associated with selling our house and moving. We moved into an apartment just a few miles away from our old house. Refrigerator, washer and dryer included. Great! But we had an opportunity to really disrupt life so we took it. We bought a house miles away and we moved into that. Wait a minute, what? You heard me. We moved twice at the same time. About 90% of our stuff was moved to the house and the other 10% went to the apartment. All at the same time! My body is still paying the price.
Thus began the outpouring of cash. That’s why this is currently top-of-mind. And that’s why I’m discussing this now.
It’s Always A Good Time
Is there ever a time in our lives when it wouldn’t be profitable to re-examine our spending? No. It’s always wise to be more thoughtful about where our money goes.
John Prine’s classic song, Sam Stone, includes the line: There’s a hole in Daddy’s arm where all the money goes. Dad came home from the Vietnam war injured, physically and emotionally. Now he’s a junkie and that’s where all the money goes. Where does all your money go? Do you know?
Here’s the lead sentence in a recent news story about the United States government spending – specifically, the debt our government enjoys elevating:
As talks over raising the U.S. government’s $31.4 trillion debt ceiling intensify, Wall Street banks and asset managers have begun preparing for fallout from a potential default.
Do citizens take their cues from their national government? Or does the government reflect the habits of their citizens? It’s a chicken or egg thing. I’m sure somebody smart has studied it. Here in America we love debt because we love spending. We hate saving. More than anything, we hate waiting.
The average American holds a debt balance of $96,371, according to 2021 Experian data, the latest data available.
Anti-capitalism folks blame it on consumerism driven capitalism. I blame it on lack of individual responsibility and low self-discipline. We’re bombarded with advertising and marketing urging us to buy. Right now! We mostly listen. And do as we’re encouraged because we want to. Nobody is forcing us. We’re burying ourselves because we want what we want and we want it now.
Cash Flowing Life Means Living Within Your Means (every month)
Calculate your monthly income and discipline yourself to not spend any more than that. That’s cash flowing life. It doesn’t mean you must spend that amount, but it does mean you won’t exceed it unless it’s an exception – and you’re prepared with a strategy to pay it off with no or minimal interest. For example, we had to buy a refrigerator, a washer and a dryer for our new house. Rather than write a check and cover the full amount out of savings, we opted to put it on a newly issued credit card from the store in order to take advantage of 6 months same as cash. Simply put, we’re paying monthly payments (1/6th of the total) for six months and it isn’t costing us anything. Meanwhile, our savings account continues to earn 3.75% (not much, but better than nothing).
If these appliances last 10 years, then it’s easy to calculate their annual upfront cost per year. That makes spending money on something like a major home appliance very different than buying something that we might use for a brief period, then store it away never to look it again. The ROI on a new refrigerator is much higher than the ROI on a set of patio furniture. Or a new shirt.
During our move my 10 year old Apple computer died prompting me to buy a new one about a year before my plan. I’d been preparing to ready myself to buy a new Apple Macbook Pro, but I wasn’t planning to do that until 2024. It was now March 2023, but I was now without a computer. My work – my life – depends on a working computer so I had no choice. So I pulled the trigger and again, since it was a major purchase (like those appliances), I bought it at Apple taking advantage of 12 months same as cash (that means 12 equal monthly payments with no interest as long as I pay off the entire balance before the one year anniversary of the purchase). If this new computer lasts as long as my previous computers, then I’ll have it 8-10 years. Again, that’s different math than buying a pair of shoes that may last 2-3 years. And I took advantage of using Apple’s money instead of my own upfront.
Looking at these major purchases gave me pause anyway because I don’t usually buy these things. It had been many years since I got any new appliances. It had been about 10 years since I got a new computer. These are exceptional purchases with long life spans (hopefully).
That’s not where the troubles usually are found. It’s mostly in those impulse buys of things that just don’t matter. Buying unnecessary stuff because we like having new things – different things.
I began to examine my spending because moving is expensive. Much of it is part of the process. I wouldn’t consider it extraordinary or wasteful.
Here’s a list of a few things that were one-off type expenses associated with moving. These are in no particular order.
a. Moving expenses (truck rentals, help to load and unload trucks, packing material, specialty boxes) – once and done
b. Appliances
c. Blinds at new house (for just 2 rooms; blinds were already in the house elsewhere) / black out drapes for apartment
d. Staple supplies (this was necessary because we have an apartment and a house so we needed some things in two different places, hardly normal)
e. Landscaping at new house (it’s a once and basically done ordeal because it’s an Arizona yard, meaning mostly rock) this is not an inexpensive endeavor but like my computer and the appliances, it’ll hopefully have a multi-year benefit
f. The Yellow Studio gear (I mostly owned everything I needed, but now I was going to have version 3.0, which quickly became 3.1 and I was also going to be working to get version 4.0 up and going) this included desks, chairs and other gear that based on my history would last for many years
g. Mid-longer Range Stuff (do you like that category label? :D) it includes things like ladders, leaf blowers, lawn chairs, storage tubs and things that will have a long life…but it also includes things like favorite shoes that go on sale so I buy 3 pair, favorite pants on sale so I buy 2 pair, and other things that will last at least 2-3 years or longer
h. Short Range Stuff includes food, household items like paper towels, detergent, toothpaste, razorblades and that kind of thing
i. Gifts – we mostly try to gift things that will last (for example, our most recent gifts to each other were these awesome “camping” rocking chairs that we can take to the kids’ ball games or use wherever we want…we’re currently using them inside our apartment ’cause they’re that comfortable…and yes we got two crimson ’cause we’re OU Sooner fans 😉
I began to examine this stuff – all of it – and realized that we’re currently going through an extraordinary circumstance that’s got upfront expenses. The danger is failure to realize that and falling into a habit of spend, spend, spend. Take the landscaping of the new house. It started out estimated at one price, which didn’t last long. It climbed. And climbed some more. And kept climbing. Not because we were changing our mind and adding more stuff, but because estimated amounts of rock were inaccurate. We decided to add some bigger rock in one area where rain water run off is greater. That drove up the cost, but just slightly. The climbing costs weren’t dramatic, but more like a dreadful creep.
Our biggest spending (by a wide margin) include:
- Appliances
- My computer
- Landscaping
- Household stuff like blinds, ladder, leaf blower, step ladder (the new house had ginormous ceilings and Rhonda still feels like a Smurf), bar stools, chairs (those gifts we got each other), Yellow Studio stuff (desks, chairs, video lights, Rodecaster Pro 2 (I’m using the original RCP 1 in one location), Rhonda needed some shelving installed at the new house (it looks pretty terrific and gave her so much more linear shelf space)
The only consumable items have been food, paper products (plates, paper towels, toilet paper), detergent and cleaning products. While those add up, they’re a small fraction of those larger ticket items. And the majority of the big ticket items were financed using somebody else’s money without costing us any interest. That includes some podcasting stuff that I got using 12 months same as cash or 6 months same as cash.
But It All Adds Up To Real Money
Thousands of dollars later I’m realizing the need to not hit “pause,” but to hit the brakes. There are only a few things that now remain and some that’ll happen later.
For example, landscaping didn’t include planting much because we’re going to wait until next Spring (2024) for that. That won’t be a break-the-bank expense, but it won’t be free either. We’ll figure out an appropriate amount to spend.
The Yellow Studio 4.0 is going to require a bit of work that I’ll need to hire done, but hopefully the same folks that built and installed the shelving in Rhonda’s sewing room will be able to do the job. I plan to have some acoustical fabric installed on the walls and a few other things that’ll require carpentry skills I lack. I suspect it’ll cost me a little bit (maybe a few thousand), but again…it’ll be a long-term investment that won’t require any update unless I get sick of it. I’ve given it enough thought to know that won’t likely happen. Yes, it will remain The Yellow Studio. No, that doesn’t mean the walls will be yellow, but we’ll see! I’m also going to need a few pieces of furniture to round out the space. Again, these are all one-off expenses.
Where Does The Money Come From?
For us, we had money in savings. That doesn’t mean we’ve been willing to exhaust savings. It means we were able to plan and develop a strategy for taking advantage of “same as cash” financing. It also means we’ve been able to pay credit card bills on time without incurring any interest charges. We would avoid spending money if that weren’t the case. Even with this strategy we’ve planned out these expenditures over time instead of just doing them all at once. For instance, we got the refrigerator a couple of months before getting the washer and dryer. For short stays at the new house, we knew we needed the refrigerator. It wasn’t urgent for us to do laundry during a short stay. We did landscaping last, mostly because we wanted the spring rains to diminish…that way the job wouldn’t stretch out for weeks on end. The shelving for Rhonda’s sewing room was scheduled to happen before our next visit to the new house so she’d be able to unbox the remaining stuff (mostly dolls and fabric). My Yellow Studio is last because I’ve already got version 3.1 up and running. It’s not critical that I get version 4.0 going. So planning has helped spread out the funding of all these expenses.
There’s multiple sources for money, generally speaking. Checking accounts, cash under the mattress, savings accounts or investments. The first 3 are options. The last one (investments) are not under consideration. We’re unwilling to exhaust any of these. Nothing is worth that, to us. We’re still living within our means even though we’re spending more than we’ve spent in years. Remember, we’ve gone 25 years without moving. This is an exceptional time for us.
Lessons Learned
Yes, you need a strategy – a plan. Only the very rich can spend willy nilly, but I suspect most of them don’t. Counting the cost is the strategy. Do it before you spend it.
Before you spend it, you have to earn it. Income must precede expense. I’m not talking about using leverage for business growth. My personal viewpoint – which isn’t one I’d ever impose on others – is that debt-free is the goal. Rhonda and I both put a high value on being debt-free. Maybe you don’t. What do you value most? Figure out why. We prize debt-free because it provides us with a level of stress-free living we want. You might value something more.
Another why for us is our faith and conviction, coupled with our natural wiring. I hate owing people. I don’t mind people owing me (within reason), but I despise being indebted to others. It’s among my many character flaws. 😉
I’ll drive myself crazy with a debt hanging over my head. I’m also driving myself crazy knowing we’re almost, but not quite at the end of the spending spree that accompanies two moves at one time! #NeverAgain
So back to the lessons I’ve learned…
It starts with a strategy and plan. For me, the plan didn’t involve more than short-term debt without interest.
That plan was only possible – at this scale – because we had saved money and had the resources on hand to pay for everything in full in real-time. The financing options were simply tools enabling us to keep our money on hand and dole it out regularly to avoid paying interest.
Next, we measured the expenses that were one-offs. Not all our expenses were created equally. Some, like major appliances and my new computer, were done knowing these would likely last us for many years. Not all big ticket items fit that bill, but for us, that’s a requirement. Down to a $300 battery powered leaf blower that we know will last us many years. Down to work desks for The Yellow Studio that are slightly more than $300. They’ll last me the rest of my life. Guaranteed (unless some disaster destroys them). Down to a $250 chair, which I know will last years. We consider these “big ticket” items.
For us, these big ticket items are one-offs because we won’t be buying them again for a long time. Some of them, we may never buy them again. That ROI is an important part of our spending strategy.
When possible we took advantage of interest-free financing options. The biggest pain of these is keeping track of them. While we use Quicken, and have for many years, Rhonda recently (within the last year or so) moved to a new version of cloud-based Quicken. It’s been a disaster, but necessary. The old Mac she once used gave up the ghost so we had to upgrade. Unfortunately, the new (to her) Quicken doesn’t update or reconcile. The learning curve is vexing her. I’ve promised to help figure it out once the dust settles, but that has made keeping track of these payments much harder than it should be. Do you use something other than Quicken that you love? I’d love to hear about alternatives because this thing works, sometimes. But mostly, it doesn’t. While I’m sure there’s a degree of pilot error, she’s been using Quicken for decades so I’m thinking this learning curve shouldn’t last over a year!
The incidental expenses – all those smaller, but cumulative things we’ve bought – feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. This has been my most vexing experience of the whole thing. I can look at the things like computers and desks and landscaping and know, “We’re done!” These other things feel like the never ending story. The good news is, I think we’re nearing the end because we intentionally waited for these final things – Rhonda’s sewing room and The Yellow Studio version 4.0. Her sewing room is close to being done before she gets completely moved in. The Yellow Studio version 4.0 has yet be started…so I’ve got that going for me. (an uncomfortable smile) Good news…I can leverage interest-free financing for about $1000 and the carpentry stuff I need done will be part of a “once and done” ordeal.
For us, with all these costs is answering YES to the question: is it worth it?
Now that’s a bad question for folks who don’t care about being in debt up their earlobes. But for frugal folks like us, it’s a valid question. Again, everybody has to figure out what they want most and what they’re willing to give up to get it.
I’ve got friends who enjoy a big, expensive trip (or two) every year. Worth it? To them, YES. To me and Rhonda, NO. We don’t even have to debate it or think about it. Some multi-thousand dollar trip wouldn’t even be worth a single conversation for us because it’s not a priority for us. Spending a few thousand dollars on a sewing room would likely be a hard NO for many women, but not for Rhonda. Spending a few thousand dollars on a podcasting/home office space would likely give way to new golf clubs, fishing or hunting gear or something else. But for me, it’s totally worth it because…
THE RETURN ON INVESTMENT (or the cost) IS HIGH
A guitar in my hands has an ROI of zero. Same with a basketball.
Put a guitar in the hands of Jason Isbell, or Mark Knopfler and you’ve got an ROI that’s hard to even calculate ’cause it goes so high.
Put a basketball in Lebron’s hands and the ROI is hundreds of millions of dollars.
To each his own.
Have I learned anything new in all this?
Maybe. It ain’t over yet. 😉
Mostly, I know this…we cannot afford to make this a habit. It’s an event that has an ending. And I think that’s largely what many people don’t figure out. We’re working hard to bring it to end as quickly as possible.
The next thing I’ve learned it to focus more on income. Replenishing accounts has been a priority. Rather than to just see it go out, I’ve concentrated on bringing it in. If what goes up must come down, then what goes out must be replaced or replenished. At least, that’s our viewpoint.
What began with purging possessions ended with making two moves – one to an apartment and one to a new house we never intended on buying (at least, not yet). We maintained our purging commitment, even in the face of making new purchases. That sounds odd, but the reality of our quest toward practical minimalism meant that our purchases were vetted based on their worth or value to us. Those major appliances are a necessity. So is landscaping. Rhonda’s sewing room and The Yellow Studio aren’t necessary, but they’re long-term preferences. She’s been sewing since she was a teenager. I’ve been podcasting and working from a home-based space for decades. These aren’t activities we’re unsure about. Both of us know with great certainty that we’ll be rewarded with the investments (costs) we make in these areas. Simultaneously, Rhonda is continuing her purging because unlike me, she had to delay her’s until we moved. There just wasn’t time for her to sell off the things (fabric, fabric and more fabric) she wanted to purge. My stuff was more easily purged because my 3,000 plus books couldn’t be converted to much cash…so our local library benefited. Her stuff can be sold for cash so she needs to approach her purging differently.
Purchases are put on trial. They either pass the test or they don’t. Do we spend money on things we don’t necessarily need? Of course. My son gave me an Apple iTunes gift card for my birthday. Do I need to buy new music? No, but I enjoy it and I’d argue that a $10 Apple iTunes purchase will last me for many years and likely endure hundreds (if not thousands) of plays. The same could be said of Kindle books and other non-vital things. Or a package of black T-shirts I just bought for $12. But like more expensive items, I’ll get years of use from them. Except for food or other consumables, I don’t buy things with a short shelf life. Something as mundane as a pair of socks – I recently purchased a 3-pack of my favorite dress socks – will last me for multiple years.
Clothing, including shoes get worn. Year after year.
The Yellow Studio gear gets used. Day after day, year after year.
The furnishings get used daily. For years.
The landscaping remains in place. For years.
So you can see a big part of whether or not to make a purchase is based on the length of use. I know that flies in the face of people who exhort us to make purchases based on joy. I’m chasing something more lasting. More practical. Even my monthly fiber Internet connection is viewed through that lens. Most folks don’t need fast upload speeds. But when you’re sometimes working with large, multi-gigabit video files and uploading those to TV station servers around the country – something I do in part of my volunteer church-related work – it matters. Eighty bucks well spent each month…instead of fifty bucks.
Overall, I put more emphasis on the practical in practical minimalism. And as with most things, it’s a choice. But it’s a conscience well-thought out choice.
Bonus Wisdom
- When I sign up for a free trial that converts to a paid subscription, I calendar the date it converts to paid minus 1 day. That way, if it proves unworthy I know to cancel it before it costs anything.
- When I sign up for a paid subscription I calendar the date it renews minus 1 day. That way, I’m reminded that I have this subscription and I can decide if I want to keep it or cancel it.
- Most of my clients use ACH to pay my invoices. I use mobile depositing whenever a client sends me a check. That speeds up the deposits hitting my accounts.
- Currently, I’m trying to earn enough return on some investment dollars (annually) to reduce our annual overhead. I view it in terms of months. For example, if our monthly overhead was $2,500, then I’d aim to see how many months worth of income I might earn over the course of the year. I’m trying to earn at least 2 months worth of income so it reduces income strain to 10 months instead of 12. If I can get to 9 months instead of 12, all the better. You get the idea. It’s congruent with our cash flow approach.
- No, we have no designs on retiring (translation: to stop working altogether). Beginning in 2024 Rhonda will focus more attention on her sewing (and sewing business making custom made doll dresses – DollDressesByRhonda.com). I’m going to continue with my coaching practice and podcast so I have no plans to change anything I’m doing – just more of the same.
- It’s all subject to change as our circumstances and ideal outcomes change. Give yourself permission to alter your course. Growth and improvement are always the goal.
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I’m blitzed with online articles about health, wellness, retirement, insurance and other things befitting an old guy. After all, I AM an old guy.
Some days ago I saw an article that prompted today’s show. It was yet another article about retiring happy. A man working to prepare for his eventual retirement asked his financial planner for examples of people who were happy in retirement. At the crux of the matter is self-discipline. Retirement success is largely about how well people can deprive themselves of spending more than they earn – and who have the ability to save more than they may want to.
And there it is – the elephant in the room – our willingness to sacrifice, to avoid rewarding ourselves with the very thing we may want most – especially when that thing isn’t the best thing. The flip side is our willingness to do those things we might otherwise not want to do, but we know it’s the wise thing to do.
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Will people mourn? Or throw a party?
Will we have regrets about how we spent our time with others…when they’re gone?
Stanley was my lifelong best friend. He died on Sunday May 12, 2013. It’ll be 10 years tomorrow. Ten years that I’ve been on the planet without him. I remember him fondly. If I had died first, I’m certain he’d be missing me, too. And I know he’d have remembered me fondly.
Not all relationships work that way though. Sadly.
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- I was being courted by a business owner looking for new, fresh leadership. The business was located where Rhonda and I most wanted to be, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas. The kids were in elementary school. Early elementary school. Life had been hectic for the previous 3 years. Situations had changed that were beyond our control – things that we didn’t feel were favorable for training and raising our children. So, we took our aim for Texas – DFW. It was Rhonda’s home and we were familiar with it.
Among our reasons – and in this order – church. Spiritual reasons were at the very top of our list. Next, the kids. Where did we feel we could give them the best advantages spiritually, educationally, personally (future spouses), and careerwise? DFW checked all the boxes for us when we began to strategize ways to accomplish this goal. That was somewhere around 1987. It took me a few years to pull it all together. By the end of 1989 I had started the process. By the end of the school year, May 1990, we had made the transition.
Sometimes it takes awhile. Our goals – what I now call “our ideal outcome” – don’t always happen as quickly as we’d like. This ideal outcome was one we had time to carefully consider and plan for. There were days we questioned if it might happen. Mostly, it took over 2 years before I was given the opportunity to make it a reality.
That was then. This is now.
In 2018 another life situation provoked Rhonda and I to ask, “Now what?” The clarity we experienced in 1987 didn’t happen this time. It would come much more slowly, like the slow turn of a focus knob on a telescope. In fact, it took a couple of years – not for the opportunity, but for us to even figure out what we might want. “What is our ideal outcome?” was the question we wrestled with. And it was anything but easy or clearcut. Not like life back in 1987. That focus came faster for us. The decision was more easily made beforehand back then because the path seemed evident to us. Not this time.
But this time was different. This was a gut punch. Back in the 1980s it was more of a slow burn. Our knees weren’t buckled in the 80s. This time, they were. And that takes more time. To catch your breath. To get back on your feet. Besides, things were well beyond our control mostly so we were having to figure things out in real-time. Deciding how you’ll react – asking yourself how you can make the wisest choices – can take time.
When the stakes are high we felt we needed to get it right the first time. There may not be an opportunity to correct it. You don’t know.
For me, the barometer has always been regret. Will I regret doing this? Will I regret not doing this?
Back in 1987 I knew – Rhonda did, too – that we would regret staying where we were. We had to make a move. For the welfare of our children. But I admit I hated that we had to do it. It was a move I wished we wouldn’t have had to make. It was a sad decision because of what once was – and what could have been. But life does that to us. Throws us curveballs that we must figure out how to hit.
Today, things are different. There is no sadness. I’m not romantic or sentimental about what once was or what could have been. I’m just ready. Ready to move on. Ready to grow. Ready to embrace a new chapter – our encore chapter.
By 2020 our focus was clear. So much so, that by the end of 2021 we had put our money where our mouth and our fantasies were. We bought a piece of property in a place that had captured our heart. A place of solitude. Respite. It was likely because when our knees buckled it was the place we went to sort things out. That was our first encounter with the place. Maybe that made it more special. I don’t know, but I do know we found it beautiful. And the closeness of the community, the diversity of the positives (trails, lakes, creeks, trees, wildlife, golf courses, mountains and more) was appealing.
It only had one downside.
It wasn’t in DFW. And DFW is where our entire tribe was thanks to our decision back in 1987 (and the execution of that decision in 1990).
Grandkids didn’t exist back then. Now we had five.
Lots of things had changed. Many of them blessings. Some of them curses. But the tribe was all blessing, all the time. But…
We weren’t (aren’t) prepared to leave the tribe and our happy place is only 5 hours away…so it made sense to us, in the short-term to spend time in each place. The plan was to spend way more time in Texas than in Happy Serene Village, five hours away. We figured we’d get over to HSV (Happy Serene Village) 3 or 4 times over the 12 month transition.
What transition? Transitioning from what to what? Or from where to where?
That’s the rub. We’re navigating a number of transitions.
Transition 1: Selling a house we’ve been in for 25 years and moving to a new place.
Transition 2: Buying another house in Happy Serene Village and spending more time there.
Transition 3: Creating new career chapters – both of us – as we march toward hitting full-retirement age for Social Security.
They’re all pretty big and they’re all intertwined. There are many moving parts to our life right now. Frightening and exciting.
Being open to opportunities has always been our way of life – just like cash flowing life. Sometimes we’ve been more open to them than at other times. Determined mostly by our comfort level or lack of. Whenever we’ve been most comfortable, we’ve been much less open. That is, when things are going well, we’re not real open for opportunities. Why mess up a good thing, right?
But that’s the ideal time to more closely look for opportunities. Strike while the iron is hot and all that. Doesn’t it make sense that our optimum time to see and jump on opportunities is when we’re riding high? But that’s not how it usually goes. Comfort forms around us like a Tempur-Pedic mattress, enveloping us so strongly it paralyzes us from doing anything different. It just feels too good to stay put. Mostly, that’s what we do – we stay put – when the better option might be to seize even bigger opportunities. After all, we say it ’cause it’s true – the rich get richer. That happens because they tend to get more opportunities, but they have to take advantage of them. Hum.
This impacts The Yellow Studio because the original is now gone. No longer in my possession. But now, here we were mere days away from signing the paperwork to sell the house, which included The Yellow Studio. We had no thought of buying a house or any other property. Moving was on our mind. Enter months of a secret I’d been holding.
Sometime in the late fall a house in Happy Serene Village caught my attention. Initially, the curb appeal snagged it. It was a new house with an attractive front. And thus began the happy accident that we never saw coming. But we were open to it.
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It’s a digital age and I fully embrace it. But I still need paper in my printer.
Let’s ruminate on these and other urgent analog matters facing us in the digital age.
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Jo Marsh is the dreamer and a scribbler character in Louisa May Alcott’s novel, Little Women. Here’s an observation about her life in the book.
“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end.”
It means making a change. Improving. Doing something differently. Doing different things.
Our unwillingness to make a change is detrimental to our life and everybody else influenced by us. It’s rebellion. And selfish.
My willingness is high. I wouldn’t describe myself as stubborn, but I do know I’m resolved about some things – mostly things in which I believe deeply. Beyond religious truths, there aren’t very many things that qualify because I have lived long enough to experience getting it wrong. Getting eternal things right is important because the stakes are so high.
Eternity changes everything.
Let’s consider what it means to avoid poison ivy and to turn over a new leaf.
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Computers have a clock speed.
The clock speed measures the number of cycles your CPU executes per second, measured in GHz (gigahertz). A “cycle” is technically a pulse synchronized by an internal oscillator, but for our purposes, they’re a basic unit that helps understand a CPU’s speed.
The higher the clock speed, the faster the computer. There are other factors, but depending on your computing – gaming, graphics, CAD, video rendering, and other intensive tasks – you’ll want the highest clock speed CPU you can afford.
Humans also have a clock speed. I’m not a neuroscientist so I have no idea if it can be measured, but you know it when you see it. We talk about how fast or slow somebody is. Some of us are fast at some things and slow at other things. Some of us are fast most of the time while others are slow most of the time.
Clock speed is evident in our walking pace, communication, handling adversity, facing opportunities, navigating new or strange situations, and just about everything else. Ben Shapiro has an extraordinarily high clock speed.
William Buckley had a high clock speed, too. It illustrates how clock speed isn’t merely gauged by how fast somebody talks. Like Shapiro, Buckley had a high clock speed intellectually.
We mere mortals definitely are operating at a slower clock speed than these guys. I’m not sure what, if anything, we could do to rise to their level.
Let’s think about our potential, our natural inclinations and upping our performance.
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There are about 9.84 BILLION search results for A.I. – which we mostly think stands for “artificial intelligence.” ChatGPT is the latest, greatest, coolest, trickest A.I. It is pretty spectacular. For mere mortals like me, I don’t know how A.I. improvement could even be measured, but I do know there’s a data gap that is a constraint. A.I. needs high-integrity data.
I’m intrigued by artificial intelligence, but I’m far more obsessed with a different A.I.
Always Improving
“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” ― William Faulkner
We all have default behaviors driven by default viewpoints or approaches to life. One of my major default behaviors spawns from a default viewpoint that things can always be better. Not in some, “let’s give it time and it’ll sort itself out” kind of a way – but in a “what can we do to improve this?” kind of a way. It’s how I see the world. It’s also how I see most things. It’s a default because I’m not consciously trying to do it…it’s more of an auto-pilot thing for me.
Years of self-introspection and self-examination taught me that I did a poor job of properly communicating this for too many years. The power of others – seeing how others view things – proved most helpful so I could see things more clearly. Through my eyes, it looks and feels like the never-ending quest for improvement based on my belief and optimism that just about anything can be made better! It hasn’t got anything to do with dissatisfaction necessarily – although I admit I can be dissatisfied with the status quo. It doesn’t look or feel critical to me either.
The most helpful thing to me was learning the power of personality traits, specifically my own personality traits. Part of my personality that drives my passion to ALWAYS IMPROVING is summed up in a phrase I’ve seen when studying about those of us who lean toward perceiving or judging.
Making Things as They Ought to Be
That typifies my life for as long as I can remember. The judgment comes in my view of how things ought to be – that’s where that perception comes in.
The contrasting personality trait tends to be more reactionary and flexible, taking things as they come. Their default behavior makes it harder for them to focus on one thing at a time.
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It’s happened. The Yellow Studio is in a new iteration.
Let’s catch up a little bit and talk about whatever version of your life you may be working on.
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“You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.”
― John Irving, The World According to Garp
It’s time to say goodbye! Only to The Yellow Studio 2.0. It’s officially over. Done.
Next week I’ll be getting The Yellow Studio 3.0 set up. Version 3.0 will be a transition studio that I hope will take me through the end of 2023. After that, I’m planning to settle into The Yellow Studio 4.0.
Around 1999 The Yellow Studio 1.0 was born, dubbed with that name because I wanted the walls painted this yellow color. Bright. Sunshiney. Cheerful. That was the goal. And it worked. Especially after I invested in four Ballard Street prints. They worked well with a yellow background. Truth is, everything worked well with the yellow walls as a background.
Over more than 2 decades every “podcast” episode – save those done from the field – was produced right here from inside this yellow room. Except for the first audio files that I uploaded to the Internet, 100% of my podcasts have emanated from The Yellow Studio.
A few friends have inquired, “Are you gonna miss it?”
No, not really. I’m sentimental so I’m leaving with fond memories. The countless hours spent – especially in the nighttime hours when sleep evades me – listening to music, writing, reading, researching, studying, recording, coaching, conversing with friends (in person or online)…an awful lot of life has happened in this room. I’m thankful for all of it, but it’s time to turn the page and start creating a new chapter. Time for a new beginning. That excites me.
Version 3.0 will not be yellow, but The Yellow Studio has grown to represent more than a color. It’s optimism. Positive vides. Wisdom. Insights. Experiences. It’s figuring things out. Learning from mistakes. Always improving! Those things matter more than the color of the walls. But I do love the color. And I will miss that a lot.
What I won’t miss is this moving business. Talk about a whipping!
I enjoyed the hard work of purging, but boxing up 45 years of your life together – even post purge – is a ridiculous amount of work. Rhonda has been diligently packing the most tedious items like china, glassware and lots of breakable stuff. Additionally, she’s had to box up her sewing room, which has been daunting because of the sheer volume of things she needs to keep. Thankfully, during the transition she’ll continue to have some needed space for her craft. Just today I told her, “I’m sure glad podcasting isn’t as space intensive as your passion.” 😉
I don’t plan on skipping more than a beat or two during this move so be patient. I’ll try to get back in the groove was soon as I can.
The old “broadcast table” of Version 1.0 and 2.0 is gone!
The old Heil Audio boom arms, which have served me so well for 20 years, gone! They’ve been creaky for awhile now so it’s past time to retire them.
The original Toshiba 43″ flat panel TV hanging in the studio stayed in the studio, proudly owned by new masters.
The original Rode Rodecaster Pro that YOU helped me get…not quite gone, but it will be soon. It’s pristine and I’ll be selling it to help defray the investment I’ve already made into the newer Rode Rodecaster Pro 2.
Boxed up, but not going away – except for the rest of 2023 – are the Ballard Street prints, the ladies that welcomed folks inside The Yellow Studio, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum – and the dragons and other figurines that populated the studio. These things are going to be safely stowed away in the location of The Yellow Studio 4.0. They’ll just remain boxed, safely stored in the comfortable warmth of bubblewrap. 😉
The new studio will have a brand new 62″ long desk, on casters. That’ll be a first and I’m looking forward to the prospect of moving the studio around as I want. Maybe I won’t move it around much at all. But it’s nice knowing I can.
The new studio will have a brand new chair. I sold my Herman Miller Mirra chair because the armrests are awful. They drove me crazy for years and so I made somebody happy with a killer deal. I was ready to move on. I know the Mirra and Aeron get rave reviews, but I don’t personally think they’re worth the money. One day I may break that down further, but that’s not the point today. I’ve invested in a modestly priced, highly-rated chair. I’ve about decided that those of us spend a lot of time in office/studio chairs might be better served investing in a chair that can serve us well for 2-3 years. After that, we can do it over again. Easier to do when you’re not spending over $1,000 for a chair. Besides, I’m kinda ready for a change after a few years – just because.
The new studio will have at least two new mics. The only mic that isn’t stowed away for the rest of the year is my Tech Zone Audio Stellar X. That’s what you’re hearing right now. It’s been my go-to mic for the past few years. I break the first rule of podcasting by using a condenser mic over a dynamic mic. But I don’t care. I like the crispiness of condenser mics and The Yellow Studio was always conducive for the condenser mics I’ve leaned on – this Stellar X and the Rode NT1.
The new studio will have the Earthworks ETHOS broadcast condenser mic and the brand new Gen 5 Rode NT1, another condenser that has some cool tech built-in.
The new studio will have some new headphones. Most of my headphones are packed away. They’ll stay that way until early next year. The Sony MDR7506 has been my most used phones for years. I’ve replaced the ear cups more times than I can count. They’re really great headphones. I have no complaint. I’m just ready for a change so I’m going back to a brand I used long before these Sony’s made their entrance, Sennheiser. I’m keeping the Sony’s and I also have the AKG K240’s, which never get used. They’re uncomfortable for me. And I prefer phones that fit a bit tighter on my big ‘ol head. They don’t.
The new studio will have a new boom arm, the Rode PS1+. I hope it’s everything folks claim. I’m really tired of the squeakiness of the Heil’s. I’ve endured it for at least the past 5 years so I’m looking forward to seeing if the Rode’s can be adjusted during recording without embarrassing me.
For now, the same computer will serve at the heart of the new studio – an i7 Intel-basd 27″ Apple iMac. I hope to squeeze another year out of this machine, after which I’m hoping to replace it with an Apple laptop of some sort.
I need to huddle with fellow podcasting buddy, Jim Collison (TheAverageGuy.TV) about outboard/external data storage. Jim’s much more technically proficient than me. I’ve got a handful of external spinning hard drives. I also use BackBlaze for online backup, but I’d like to organize my data storage more efficiently. Jim’s likely the perfect coach to help me figure that out. I hope to do that sometime this year before I make version 4.0 my permanent home.
The new studio will also have a new white photo-video retractable background. You won’t see it unless you pay attention to some of my video work, which never happens here at LTW. I want a clean background and I plan to keep the details of my space more confidential for the balance of 2023 (in my Elmer Fudd voice, “ssshhh, be berry, berry quiet”).
The new studio will also feature two new Elgato Key Light Air desk lights. They’ll serve as my work lights as well as video lights. I’ve not had good lighting…EVER. This will be a first. I may have to start wearing makeup like those fancy TV news anchormen.
Lots of changes for version 3.0. And I suspect 4.0 will have fewer changes like these, but it’ll have a monumental change in location. So it’s all exciting.
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
Everything is slow until it’s fast.
That’s how this process has been for us. 2022 was a hard year. Well, to be more accurate, we’ve had a bit of tough go since 2018. I’ve shared enough here – for those who pay close attention – to satisfy the most curious. But personal difficulties aren’t unique to us. You have them, too. This year began much like the past 5. Until things began to take a turn. When they turned, they really turned. At first, we were thinking it may not be real. Maybe we should be reluctant to think momentum is happening. It could be a trick. Turns out it wasn’t a trick.
So we pushed hard and leaned into wisdom to figure out what our next steps should be.
That’s when it went from good to better. For months I’d been casually keeping up with a possible opportunity. But I never thought of seizing it. I was just paying attention to see what might happen with it. I figured somebody would find it suitable, but time went on and things continued to grow even more enticing. More favorable for somebody willing to see it for what I saw it for – a pretty solid opportunity.
Yes, I’m talking about buying another place – the place where The Yellow Studio version 4.0 could be born. The goal was to sell where the original studio was, sit tight and see how the world might unfold between now and the end of the year. When it comes to real estate, my prophet skills are terrible. It’s easy to predict what might happen. It’s more difficult to put your own money on the line to back up your prediction. These are unprecedented times and I’m happy to report, I have no clue what might happen. But I’m a business guy. And I’m now an old business guy, which means I know what I like and I can spot a good deal for me. That doesn’t mean it’s a good deal for you.
So this property I’d been watching continued to get more attractive. Around the middle of the month it got so attractive I couldn’t ignore it. Up to this point I hadn’t shared with Rhonda my fascination with this place. So on a Saturday I told her about it. I asked her to do two things: a) find a reason to not take advantage of it, and b) ask yourself if you were lose it would you regret it?
I’d been doing both of those and I wasn’t able to find a reason not to jump on it. A few days before sharing it with her I’d been struck with an overwhelming feeling that if I were not take a run at it, and somebody else did – I’d regret it. By late Saturday afternoon she had had time to look it over. Keep in mind I’d been watching it pretty closely for about 4 months, so I had a big head start. She concluded what I had concluded so I sent a text message to a friend who could help us with this opportunity and we were on the hunt.
The friend provided additional information. More details. They only verified our interest. We got more serious about the hunt, making an offer.
Within half a day we had a deal pending inspection and the unearthing of some deal breaker.
Off we went – my son, the inspector and me. Follow him on TikTok. A whirlwind trip proved fruitful. A little something here. A little something there. Some things to shore up, not any major because it was a newly constructed place. It checked the boxes for us. No place is perfect but it seemed awfully close. Repeatedly we looked at each other commenting about how true those statements are:
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
Everything is slow until it’s fast.
Boy, had things been hard for so long. And talk about languishing for week after week, month after month and year after year! We knew it well and now we were flummoxed because it was like things were for the first time in a long time falling into place too easily.
Some people believe things should be easy – and if they’re not, then they’re not likely meant to be (whatever that means). I’ve never subscribed to that, but I’m close to converting.
Then, it continued. The transition location for version 3.0 had been problematic price wise. Rhonda and I had labored over it for many months in preparation for pulling a trigger. It was scary and confusing. But when my son and I returned from inspecting version 4.0’s location, the next day – things shifted. Suddenly, for the first time in a year the pricing dropped to the lowest price we’d seen in a year. So, without hesitation, we hit our GO button.
For people who aren’t impulsive about anything it sure looked – to the uninitiated – that were. But that wasn’t the case. We had slowly been grinding for about a year toward all this. It just had failed to come together. Until it did. And when it did, it went so fast it almost made up sick at our stomachs. But we took a deep inhale and took another step forward. Then another. And another. Before long we had advanced further than we had in over five years.
I was beginning to think I might never feel it again. Momentum. Plans coming to fruition. I had faith – well, I said I did. Saying you believe and actually believing aren’t the same thing. For the past 4 months or so I’ve worked harder than ever to make sure I’m honest in my belief. To be sure that I’m trusting God and willing to accept failure – or the rejection of what I most want to happen.
Here’s the thing about our plans and our ideal outcomes. We can’t know with 100% certainty if we’re correct. I can think the thing I want will serve me well, but I could be wrong. “Be careful what you wish for and all that.” Maybe there are things we can’t or don’t see. Maybe a “no,” serves us much better than a “yes.” I can think of so many things I wanted to happen, but they didn’t – and it turned out what a blessing that “no” was. Had some of those things happened, it would been awful for me. And sometimes, for my family, too.
The sudden easiness of these things seemed as evidence that we were on track – that our ideal outcome was indeed going to be our ideal. It beefed up our faith in what we had already concluded. We knew why were pursuing these things. We had worked hard to keep our hearts in the right place. Many things we couldn’t have possibly foreseen were falling into place. And that quote leaped to my mind…
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
― William Hutchison Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
Commitment isn’t all that’s required though. I’ve been more committed to some things that never happened than I have things that did. But that doesn’t mean commitment is unimportant. It is. I rather focus on the word “ineffectiveness.” Not all commitment includes effectiveness. Being effective is harder than being ineffective. I’d modify this brilliant quote to include “effective commitment.” Unfortunately, I can’t define it. We know it when we experience, but like us in recent years – we’ve not experienced it very much. Then suddenly, we began to experience it in waves. It felt unnatural, like a dream.
Trepidation is a killer. Waiting for the shoe to drop is a real fear. A deadline comes and things work. Relief until the next deadline is met with success. A string of events hinge on each other and it’s unnerving. But we keep walking – having faith it’ll keep moving in the positive direction we most want. So far, so good.
That’s why today’s episode is a Saturday show, not the normal Thursday show. I didn’t want to be too quick on the draw. By now I can tell you, it’s a done deal. And like Jimmy Buffett sings, “Come Monday, it’ll be alright” because come Monday The Yellow Studio’s version 4.0 location will be secured. Signed, sealed and delivered.
It’s great when a plan comes together, huh? It’s even greater when it comes together smoothly after a long, arduous march through the muck and mire to make it reality. It’s like the conclusion of a 5-year trek through the wilderness to reach some highly sough after place of serenity. The relief when you top the hill and see the lights of the place give you such joy – it’s hard to describe.
We topped the hill. We see the lights. We’re now trekking down the mountain, looking forward to the hot shower, clean clothes and good meal that awaits us. Lord willing, by Monday afternoon we’ll be able to sit down, grab a nice drink of water – or Diet Dr. Pepper – catch our breath, then clean up so we can celebrate!
How Can My Story Serve You In Crafting Your Story?
For starters, success isn’t guaranteed any more than failure. As the Bible says, “Time and chance happens to them all.” (Ecclesiastes 9:11) There is a randomness in life, but that’s no reason to loose belief. Optimism is still our best path forward. Confidence is in our abilities. It’s not wide-eyed optimism of delusion. The foundation of our confidence is the notion that based on our skills, talent, abilities and competence – we believe we can do this thing. That doesn’t mean it’ll work. Or that it’ll work quickly. Success takes time. Failure can come quick.
Failure can be a lesson to help us figure out success. It can also be a gatekeeper to suppress the masses because failure – even early failure – defeats most people. Success seems to reward persistence – those willing to do what others aren’t. Don’t be too quick to read failure as some sign that “it’s not meant to be.” Perhaps failure is exactly what is meant to be so you’ll learn to pursue your ideal outcome no matter what.
Failure teaches us how to recognize and appreciate success. From the valley floor we look up in admiration of the peak. The moment we set out to summit that peak, defeat kicks in by challenging us, showing us how hard the climb will be. The peak illustrates the rarity of her occupants by making sure only those willing to sacrifice successfully arrive. The higher you climb, the greater the difficulty, the fewer peers you encounter willing to press on. It’s up to us if we’ll keep climbing or quit.
Success will always look like failure until it doesn’t. One step at a time doesn’t always reveal progress. That’s why faith is important. Belief that you’re making progress, even when it’s not apparent. How long you sustain that journey is entirely up to you. This, for me, has been one the hardest parts of this journey but I always believed in what I was pursuing and I was unwavering in knowing what I wanted to achieve. Deep down inside I knew it was the best, wisest course – even if life seemed to be showing me otherwise.
Changing your mind by altering your ideal outcome isn’t a sign of surrender. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up your dream. It means you may have evolved and figured some things out before you had to materially experience failure. New information coupled with your personal growth should result in some changes. And what a blessing when that growth happens in your mind and your planning, and not in a physical outcome. For example, I started four years ago diving deeply into learning all I could about the short-term rental business. As a business guy it still intrigues me, but I had a very specific notion of what I most wanted to do. It didn’t involve owning and operating as many doors as possible. I was aiming small, but rewarding. Over time, things changed. The market grew increasingly more saturated. Over the past 18 months doors where I was most interested doubled. Occupancy rates dropped. Without ever having operated a single night running a short-term rental I changed my mind. Now, I was more intrigued with the less profitable, but still lucrative model of mid-term rentals (30 days plus). That began to interest me much more than short-term rental. Turns out none of it was going to happen. At least, not yet. Was it a failure? No because I never made a single investment or suffered a single loss. This was all a mental exercise as I studied a business I’ve never practiced.
Now it’s time to take a break from the microphone so I can dig in and do the work required to make my way down to the valley of success after this long journey. There’s no time to rest from that work so I need to rest from this work, but just for a couple of weeks. You won’t miss me much. Lord willing, I’ll be back before you know it.
Thank you very much for being part of the journey from the beginning to this version 2.0 of The Yellow Studio. Go here if you’d like the virtual tour(s) I’ve done of The Yellow Studio.
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The story may date back earlier than 1917. President Reagan made it famous because it was among his favorite jokes. That’s likely where I first heard it.
A couple had twin boys who were six years old. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities – one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist – their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!
Dr. Martin Seligman is the Fox Leadership Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. In 1991 he published a book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. As the dad of two elementary school-age kids who were fast approaching junior high, I was particularly interested in seeing if I could help my children learn optimism. Self-talk was a pretty active conversation with my kids because I understood that their futures would be greatly impacted by the messages they told themselves. The book had a chapter about teaching kids to be more optimistic and included an assessment you could give them. I had my kids take the little quiz to display their level of optimism. Turns out they weren’t overly optimistic, but nor were they overly pessimistic.
The whole notion of learning optimism stuck with me. Seligman contrasted learning optimism with learning helplessness, the belief that we’re incapable of changing our circumstances. Mostly, we think of it as having a victim mentality, but I grew increasingly fond of Seligman’s term, helplessness. It seemed more insidious and made me think more people would likely disapprove of admitting helplessness when they might embrace being a victim.
As a dad I spent a lot of time coaching my kids to tell themselves positive messages. That little engine that could may have been an early childhood development story, but it’s true no matter our age.
“Think you can, think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.” -Henry Ford
Many of us have heard this all our lives, but that doesn’t mean we’ve mastered doing it. Frequently there’s a big gap between what we know and what we do. The challenge is to control our thinking. Experience has taught me that for many of us, job one is to learn we can control our thinking because it’s easy to think we’re simply stuck with our thoughts. “We are who we are,” is the refrain of resignation. It’s as though we’re unable to grow, improve and change to develop into a better version of ourselves.
The twin boys in President Regan’s favorite joke were predisposed – one toward pessimism and the other toward optimism. We’re amused at the behavior of both of them. Maybe you’re thinking that both of them reacted ridiculously. Maybe they did, but those viewpoints had a direct impact on what each of them did. They both took action based on how they viewed the situation.
One, the pessimist, embraced misery and suffering. Helplessness was the chosen path. I’ve never found any good reason or outcome associated with helplessness.
The other, the optimist, embraced elevated expectations even in the face of apparent negativity. And again, I’ve never found any good reason or outcome that makes his viewpoint counterproductive. The only response people offer as a downside of optimism is, “You’ll be disappointed.” I laugh out loud and tell them, “We’re going to be disappointed anyway! So how does optimism hurt us?”
Listen, learning optimism isn’t about avoiding disappointment. It’s not about chasing a perfect life where everything goes exactly as we want. It’s really about something much more important.
Responsibility.
Accountability.
Pessimism is about embracing helplessness. It’s about excuse-making. It’s about seeing ourselves as helpless victims unable to do anything to improve our circumstances.
Clients regularly tell me, “Well, when you put it like that…”
How else would you put it?
I’m sitting across a CEO, business owner. He’s rehearsing a possible market move when he mutters, “That won’t likely pan out.” I stop him and ask, “Why not?”
He gives me a litany of reasons why it’s likely going to fail. So I ask, “Why might it work?”
He gives me an equal number (maybe more) reasons why it could likely succeed.
Then he stops and says, “I see what you did there.” And I said, “Good. I didn’t want to have to explain it again.” We chuckled.
High performers aren’t immune from bouts of pessimism. We never conquer our mind. It’s a constant act of courage to get a grip on our thoughts. But it’s the most profitable work we can do.
You Find What You’re Looking For
Some things are easy to spot and find. I was the proud owner of a Phoenix Yellow 2000 Acura Type R Integra. I easily saw the few other yellow Type R’s on the road. In fact, I more easily spotted all yellow cars because that’s what I was driving. In similar fashion, it’s easy to spot opportunities when that’s what you’re looking for. Or, it’s easy to spot challenges and difficulties when that’s what you’re looking for. Just like it’s easy to be angry, disgruntled or filled with blame when those viewpoints dominate your thoughts. We become what we constantly think about – and how we think about it. All the more reason for to be cautious and carefully guard our thoughts.
Can we change how we think?
Of course. We’ve all done it many times. We’ve changed our minds more times than we can count. It’s not always provoked by external influence either. Sometimes we just altered our decision. We choose something different. Sometimes I feel like regular mustard, sometimes I want brown spicy mustard and sometimes I want honey mustard. It’s not always something so insignificant, but it’s often not something that important either. “Where do you want to go eat?” “Do you want the green shirt or the blue one?” “What do you want to drink?” Life is filled with lots of daily decisions that vary depending on our mood or preference in that moment.
Those changes in our mind don’t usually have anything to do with optimism.
Optimism is…
hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something
Mustard. Dining choices. Color selections. Those aren’t choices made with hopefulness or hopelessness. They’re just whatever we want at the time.
Weightier things – like relationships, careers, finances, and other activities that define our lives – tend to be determined by our outlook, our approach and how we see the world. And our place in it.
I’ll bet you, or somebody you know, frequently say things to demonstrate how unlucky they feel they are. I understand why people who feel just the opposite probably just keep quiet about it. It’d sound like bragging, but I do know people who – from where I’m looking – appear to have a Midas touch. Remarkably, they’re not the brightest or the best, but they sure do seem to find success in most everything they attempt.
Years of looking at folks like that has shown me a few things.
- These folks expect to succeed. They don’t ever begin something thinking it’ll fail. In fact, they don’t even consider it as a possibility. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means they don’t give it any space in their brain. They make their first step and every step after that with the assumption that it’ll work.
- These folks have an unabashed zest for promoting their work. They have no reservations about shouting to the world that their pursuit is worth supporting.
- They don’t let challenges or setbacks determine the final outcome. They have a resilience forged in their optimism that they’ll figure this out. The challenge is merely a blip to be dealt with. And quickly. Challenges are not roadblocks, but speed bumps that slow down their progress. It’s often humorous to me how they get angry at challenges, not discouraged. It’s a “how dare you slow me down?” spirit.
- They have no reservations about changing their mind. If success isn’t quite what they were aiming for, they’ll pull the plug without fear. If the success is wonderful, they may find a great exit so they can get on with their next conquest. Most don’t start with this in mind, but they quickly adapt because they don’t get hung up about changing their mind.
Confidence plays a big role. Confidence in what? Confidence in our own competence. It doesn’t mean we have to be the smartest. It just means we have to be confident in our abilities, skills and whatever else we’ve got to accomplish this thing. Or to figure it out. In what else would we be confident?
Optimism isn’t based on being world-class. If that were the case, then only a very select few would be able to practice it. It’s based on our belief in ourselves, but that seems rather self-centered so there must be more to it. Or is there?
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We’re closing in on saying goodbye to The Yellow Studio version 2.0. It’s where every podcast episode I’ve ever produced (other than a few field recordings) was recorded. But I’m looking forward to the next chapter, The Yellow Studio version 3.0.
Lots of people want more money, but they don’t necessarily have any specific thing they want to do with it. They just think having more of it will make them happy. Or maybe they do know what they want – or think they do. A nicer house. A new car. Exotic vacations. Fancier restaurants to frequent.
Many people want more recognition, but they don’t know why. They envy famous people. They imagine what life might be like hearing applause or being chased for an autograph.
Everybody wants something. Everybody wants many somethings. We all want a lot of things.
Does that speak to our lack or our lack of gratitude? Or neither? Maybe it just speaks to our discontentment with whatever the status quo is. Warren Buffett is worth $87 billion, but he’s still working every day to achieve and amass more. And he’s giving away 99% of it so he’s not doing it to lavish anything on himself. Reports claim he lives a fairly modest lifestyle. Ridiculously modest by the standards you’d expect of somebody with his income. So why does he want more?
Why do you want more?
Because you don’t yet have it. And when you get it, it won’t be enough. Never is.
I’m gonna start by using LTW as a case study.
Leaning Toward Wisdom kinda sorta officially began on Tuesday, October 30, 2001, as a blog. But I was posting content online beginning in the fall of 1996 and using the moniker, “Leaning Toward Wisdom.” It was all done in HTML and the domain name wasn’t LTW. This was before I was domain name savvy. Proved by the fact that I didn’t register my own name domain until December 1999. It would be February 2005 before I’d snag LTW. I’m a slow learner.
Why did I want to start journaling (we didn’t call it blogging at the beginning) under the guise of LTW? I was approaching my 40th birthday when I began to chronicle things. Random things. I was all over the board. No focus. Just a bunch of scatter-shooting of thoughts, opinions and takes on whatever was on my mind. I had two kids in high school with my oldest having already turned 16.
I can’t remember why I wanted to do it at the very beginning. Maybe it’s because the next year I would turn 40. Maybe it’s because I could sense the high school days of my kids wasn’t going to last more than a couple of more years. I was operating a retail company and putting in the typical long hours required of running any multi-million dollar enterprise. Maybe the journaling was therapeutic. I’m certain it was, but I’m old now and can’t really remember all the details of the beginning. Give me a break. The Internet was young and so was I (reasonably so).
Within a year I had put an audio file on my HTML site. No, it wasn’t podcasting. We didn’t yet know what that was. Keep in mind, Apple iTunes was launched on January 9, 2001. It would be about 3 years before the term podcasting would enter in 2004. But I do remember hearing about and reading about audio blogging. That’s what prompted some of my first audio files going up on my horrible website. Hard drive space was hard to come by, and drives were expensive…so no, I do not have those original files. When I abandoned that original website – which I can’t remember what it was because I didn’t keep any of those original sites – all the content went away. Probably a blessing. I’m sure the stuff was dreadful.
But the point is the question – why did I want what I wanted?
Expression? Brain dumping? Venting? Chronicling?
I suppose all those things were on my mind. I can tell you what was NOT on my mind. Building an audience. Only in my business endeavors did I really want to do that (for obvious reasons). Fast forward to the beginning of 2005 and I was much clearer in what I wanted. I registered the LTW domain name and started the podcast. WordPress wasn’t commonplace, but it was around. I found a local guy who did freelance web work on something called Expression Engine. It was a CMS like WordPress, but it was on the scene at least 2 years before WordPress. I think I spent a few hundred bucks to have the guy design me a site because I knew nothing about CMS and I wasn’t interested in continuing the old HTML strategy. I was using Blogger at this point and I had been really regular in using it, linking it to my ugly long-winded URL where I had created an ugly HTML site.
I liked the design the guy gave me, but my blogging and audio blogging slowed to a crawl after I got the design in place. I was busy with work and family. I just didn’t have time to figure out how to pilot this stupid new web-based software. The site began to grow moss, weeds, and thorns. I had so wanted a new, snazzy design — or thought I did. Instead, I found myself reverting back to the analog world where I was writing in my notebooks.
Why did I want a new, cool design? Because I thought it would have the opposite effect. I thought if I had a site that was more captivating to ME, that I’d create more content. I still subscribe to that idea. In fact, whenever friends ask me for a bit of web help (no, I’m not a designer), I urge them to get a site that’s not perfect, but one they’re reasonably proud of — because they’ll be spending more time looking at it than anybody else. And in my experience, especially for folks just starting out with their first site, if people like their site they’ll spend more time pumping out content. It’s like the photographic evidence of our first child. We capture everything. By the time the second kid rolls in, we’re lucky if we pay much attention to all the small moments.
So I know some of the why’s, but not all of them. But I do know the important ones, I think. Mostly, by the time I was really approaching LTW with more strategic intention, I only cared about one thing. Chronicling ideas for my kids. By now I was 45 and my oldest child was 22. That’s very different than being 39 with an oldest child who is 16. And some important things had happened in those intervening years, too. I was about 5 years into a new role of leadership at church. I was still running a retailing company and I was pushing as hard as ever professionally. I’ve never been accused of lacking drive. 😉
But something was happening. The church work was taking priority. My kids were nearing the end of their college careers. I knew what was likely to happen next. Marriage. Launching their own careers and lives. And I knew we were close to emptying the nest. It wasn’t a mid-life crisis. I don’t feel I’ve ever experienced that. Mostly because it feels like every phase of my life has experienced some degree of “crisis.” 😀
Mortality is ever present. I’m weird. I get it. I think about subjects that depress others. Like death. It’s inevitable. Yours, too. (Sorry, did that come as a surprise?) 😉
But it started with a more positive, although for me depressing thought (because of what might have been) — what if our great grandparents had been able to chronicle their lives? How cool would that be? But how sad, or angry, might you be if the technology had been available to your grandparents and they didn’t do it?
I was having these thoughts before the mobile revolution. Before everybody’s cell phone contained a great camera and mic. I was thinking like this when podcasting was harder, but totally doable – even for a non-techie.
And I’m a communicator. So it was deeper than an urge. It was more of a “I gotta do this” kind of a thing. So I did. Mostly to capture some things for my now grown up kids. Neither of them was married when I started. Rhonda and I now have 5 grandkids – four boys and one girl. What began as a project mostly for my kids (and my wife, only in that when I’m gone – yes, that’s a metaphor for being DEAD) has now grown to expand 5 grandkids.
Along the way, you joined me somehow. I recruited you. Coerced you. Bribed you. Begged you. Or you naturally found LTW so entertaining, compelling, or disturbing that you couldn’t resist. Well, whatever the reason — I’m thankful. And appreciative. Thank you!
I knew what I wanted when I began. It’s changed a bit, but only because the tribe – my tribe – has increased. But I was clear at the outset why I was doing it. And Simon Sinek has made a career of being the guy most people think invented the one-word question, “Why?” It’s a great question and a better answer. I know my why with LTW.
I’ve known all along why I wanted to produce LTW. Like that Westie dog attacking that ice cream cone (the graphic for today’s show), I was clear about the reward. For myself. It was an entirely selfish endeavor. I wanted to pass on what I wanted to pass on. I didn’t ask my kids about it. Rhonda and I have never talked about it. Truth is, I’ve never asked any of them if they’ve ever listened to a single episode. I rather doubt they have. And that’s fine. I understand it. But I also know how people are when somebody dies. Photos, notes, and possessions that prior held not much meaning become very important. So it’s likely to go with LTW and that’s perfectly fine. Probably as it should be.
Like I said, there are many older folks I once knew – and many more I never was able to meet because they died before my birth (or my ability to remember) – who I wish I could hear speak. That thought of a grandfather or great grandfather (or mother) recording some thoughts on audio or video fascinates me. What a gift it would be, right? LTW is my gift to my family. You’re crashing our party and that’s cool.
Most people think about what they want in terms of jobs, incomes, and possessions. Increasingly, the younger generation is thinking in terms of experiences, too. But so do some older folks who love to travel. We want what we want. We just seem to rarely give deep thought as to why.
Why do you want THAT job and this one?
Why do you want to earn THAT amount of money?
Why do you want THAT car instead of the one you’ve got?
Why do you want to take THAT trip instead of some other trip? Or instead of staying home?
“Why?” is a great question. But one not always easily answered. The Westie wants ice cream for the same reason you do. It tastes great.
Some time ago I was helping a fella out with some free counsel. Career counsel. He tossed out a number. The income he hoped to one day achieve. I asked him, “Have you ever earned that amount?”
“No,” he said. I dug deeper, “Have you ever earned anything close to that?”
“No.”
“Why did you settle on that amount then?” I asked.
Long pause.
“I don’t know. It just feels like an amount that would be right,” he continued.
“Be right how?” He had now really piqued my curiosity how he had come to this specific annual amount.
“Oh, I don’t know. It just seems like a good amount that would give me the life I want,” he concluded.
Well, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I continued to probe. For the next half-hour or so we talked with me pressing him with questions. Turns out other than a newer model car there wasn’t any specific motivation behind the number. His why turned out to be closely associated with his self-esteem. His perception of himself was that until he was able to earn that amount, he wasn’t as successful as he felt he should be. And it wasn’t based on his own views, but on how he perceived he stacked up to other people at his stage of life. He was busy comparing himself to others and he didn’t think he measured up or would measure up – until or unless he earned that amount.
Within a few miles of where I live are many multi-million dollar houses. I don’t live in a multi-million dollar house. And for good reason. I can’t afford it.
All over town, I see big, foreign cars that any car guy (or gal) would love to drive (or own). Cars costing $80,000 or more are quite commonplace in Dallas/Ft. Worth. The most expensive car I’ve ever owned was about $32,000 and I thought that was ridiculous. Why? Because I can’t afford to drive an $80,000 or $100,00 car. I know guys who custom order Bentley’s – a quarter of a million bucks for a car! How do I stack up? Well, I’m not even in that deck of cards. These folks are playing chess while over here playing checkers.
Would it be fun to play chess? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m not losing any sleep over it. Because I know something you may have yet learned. Not because I’m smarter, but I may be older. Much older. A man’s or woman’s worth isn’t measured in dollars. You know it’s true even though you may not always act like it. Or think like it.
Sure, a person’s value professionally can be mostly is measured in dollars. Warren Buffett is worth 83 or 87 billion because he has made many other people very wealthy. His investment acumen (and his equity position) warrant the money he earns. Ditto for every other business owner or CEO or Chairman. You may not think the CEO of Exxon/Mobil is worth $25 million a year, but if he can get it, then that’s what he’s worth. Dollar value is based solely on what people will pay. Nothing else. But dollar value is just one angle of the thing.
I’m confident to think LTW is a pretty decent piece of content. But there are no dollar values assigned because LTW isn’t a business. It doesn’t earn a dime. So does that mean it’s worthless? You tell me. It’s worth something to me. When I’m dead it’ll be worth even more to the people who love me.
So it goes.
Social media is terrific. I’ve always thought so.
Doesn’t mean there aren’t downsides. Most notably the drive behind why some people want what they want. The social media platforms often help drive people’s desires. Money, looks, trips, all the rest. It’s the consumerism that drives world economies. Buying stuff makes the world go round. Human nature isn’t going to disappoint though. People will always want to buy things they don’t yet have. Or better than what they currently do. Nothing inherently bad about that.
Wisdom is largely restraint. Self-control. It begins with controlling our thoughts, which drive our feelings and desires.
You see a friend post pictures of a trip overseas on Instagram. You think, “I’ve never been out of the country. Man, it would be so nice to go see Ireland.” And envy and morph quickly into jealousy. All the while thinking, “If we were doing better financially we could make a trip like that.” Funny thing is, we may have never thought about taking a such before seeing that Instagram post. That’s the downside of social media, but it’s not the medium’s fault. It’s our fault for being so out of touch with why we want what we want. And understanding if it’s even good for us.
I’m engaged in conversation with somebody and the talk turns specifically to dollars. Specially, what we’d do with extra money. It wasn’t about any specific amount of money. He brought up a story about a person who won a big lottery. I mentioned some specific things that I’d so with extra money. They were ridiculously simple, unsexy things. Things most people would scoff at.
A nice steak dinner with Rhonda. I don’t even care for steak, but she loves it.
A few house renovations. There’s always a few things that could use shoring up.
A piece of audio gear I don’t need.
That was about the extent of it. His list wasn’t much better although it was a bit different than mine. Ironically, neither of us mentioned real life-changing things.
What would your list look like? Suppose you got an extra $1,000 to do with as you pleased. How would you spend it? Why would you want what you want?
Look at my 3. A steak dinner because Rhonda would love it. House renovations because we could always use it. Audio gear for me because I enjoy it. I at least knew why I named the ones I named. I’m not saying they’re smart, or wise. Or that I might not change my mind if I had the money in hand.
It’s not money that matters, but that seems to occupy us most. I get it. We all need it. Mostly, we feel like we need more. Why? Frankly, because so often times we need to stay up with the crowd. Which crowd? Our crowd. Whomever the crowd may be.
Significance. Respect. Love. Ability to help. Deep conversation. These are just a few things that I want. Why?
Here’s the punchline to the show. Because these are the things I value. Because they make me feel useful. And feeling useful means I’m making a difference. And making a difference feeds whatever beast lies within. For me – and I suspect for you, too – the fuel we most crave is whatever fills us up.
Some people are shopaholics. Shopping makes them feel better. It fills them. Sadly, it maxes out their credit cards, too. It’s destructive behavior attempting to fill a void it’s unable to fill. Like drugs or alcohol. Or any other destructive behavior. Short-term enjoyment or pleasure followed by the negative consequence that destroys us. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes not.
Some people are thrill chasers. I don’t understand rock climbers. I hate heights. Nothing about that activity speaks to me. I’ll watch it in amazement. But no thanks! They want it because they love everything about it. The risk is worth the reward because the value proposition is extraordinary for them.
We pursue and chase what we value. We want what we want because something about it is important to us.
Should we accept that at face value? No. There’s going to be some piece of audio gear I want. Always. Do I need it? Will it make a difference in my life? No. I can just imagine having it though and in that moment I can think, “That’d be nice.”
Would a few house renovations be nice? Sure. Some might even in time become necessary. It’s a much more practical want.
Would an expensive steak dinner be nice? Yes, for Rhonda. And if she’s happy, then I’m happier. And it’d likely be the cheapest of the 3 so I’m going with that one. 😀 (I’m nothing if not practical)
Largely I think these ideas are worth considering because it boils down so often to what do I want for myself versus what do I want on behalf of others. It’s the lead that I buried all show long, until now. The why is an important question, but maybe the bigger one is the pronoun contained in the question. Why do YOU want what YOU want?
Well, because it’s all about YOU, right? No, it’s about ME. Wait a minute. Who is this about? We all think – or know – we’re the most important person on the planet. The old adage about WII-FM is true. It’s the station we all have on our preset. What’s In It For Me.
If you think that Westie is gonna share that ice cream, then you don’t know Westies very well. Or any dog. Or any human. We’re all largely selfish. Yes, even those of us chasing significance and other things that appear so noble. Maybe they’re not noble at all. Maybe they’re supremely selfish.
Think about it. Significance is a pretty big thing. Who’s significance am I worried about? Not yours. I’ve got my own to fret over. 😀 Don’t get me wrong. I hope you are significant. Maybe better said, I hope you feel significant. But I don’t care about yours as much as I do mine. Besides, I figure you’re worrying about your own so I don’t have to. I just want you to worry about mine, with me! So it goes.
Seriously, it’s probably wise to question why we want what we want. And to ask ourselves what’s being accomplished if we get it. Or what we’ll miss if we don’t. There’s empirical evidence that when it comes to income we migrate back to some type of set point within a short period of time. We think the big raise will solve all our problems. Only to find within a few short months that those problems persist. The more things change the more they remain the same.
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I leave a client’s office after a normal, but intense 2-hour conversation. These are common conversations for me. Twice, during the course of a few hours, the client grows visibly emotional. I love these moments because it means we’re speaking to issues of the heart. These are the things that really matter.
As I walk to my car, leaving the client’s office building, I’m thinking about podcasting, co-hosts, having guests and engaging in conversations. But mostly, I’m thinking about two words: compassion and leadership. Both of which are defined in my mind (at least in part) as “a focus on others.”
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Let’s do some scatter-shooting today. Today’s show covers a few subjects:
- Our 45th wedding anniversary (me and Rhonda, not me and you) 😉
- My hyper-local podcast, HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com
- Spammers and scammers
- Personal pain
- Your ideal outcome / my ideal outcome – plan A may give way to plan M, O, or Z
- The Starfish Parable
- I’m an INFJ-Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Judger
- The VIA Survey, click here to take it (free) – this is a character strength assessment
- Our (me and Rhonda) encore chapter (just a teaser)
“What You Do Makes A Difference, And You Have To Decide What Kind Of Difference You Want To Make.” -Jane Goodall
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During the MLB playoff telecast of the NLCS between Philadelphia and San Diego, game 2, Fox analyst and Hall of Fame pitcher John Smoltz made an observation about failures. He remarked how nobody wants to be that guy who has a mishap or failure during a game…but if you allow it to pole vault you to success it can be a positive thing in your career.
I’ve seen good athletic coaches approach players who just experienced a disaster and convey the same sermon. “You can let that failure define you as a failure, or you can step up, learn from it and let it define your comeback to success!”
So what’s it going to be?
Life is filled with examples where people failed under pressure. Many of them – like a major league baseball player – in a public way. I’m not much of a baseball fan, but you can go read a list of the top 10 major league baseball blunders of all time. These aren’t necessarily sustained failures, but moments of time where a player bungled a play. That’s important for our conversation today – these are moments in time. But that doesn’t mean they lack the ability to become something more. Sometimes a single blunder morphs into another and another…forming a string of failures that can define an entire career.
A moment in time vs. systemic behavior that defines our life — do you believe we can choose?
Conversations about fate abound. I’m fascinated by how many people embrace notions of fate where they ascribe meaning to everything that happens. They use phrases like “it wasn’t meant to be,” or “it was meant to be.” Whether it’s an encounter with a new person, snagging a great parking spot, landing a new job, or not even being interviewed for a new job – I encounter many people who believe these things happen for a reason.
Maybe the difference between us (me and these folks) isn’t that great, but it’s still interesting to me. They think these things happen for a reason and are largely outside their control. I think these things can be leveraged and used for our growth – which means I think we can choose to use these things ‘for a reason,’ but I don’t think they were necessarily destined to be.
One big thing bothers me about such a notion – fate means we’re victims of it. Or victors because of it. It’s completely random based on…nothing! The universe or some unknown power puts us in a bucket. Some of us are winners. Some are losers. And mostly, we’re stuck with whatever category fate puts us in.
I’ve not met many people who say it that way. Or who claim that’s what they think. It doesn’t sound very good when you state it so clearly. But listen to what people say – and how they say it.
A person hoping to make a business deal experiences failure. He tells me, “It just wasn’t meant to be.”
A person pursuing a personal dream that has yet to be realized due to a few unsuccessful attempts remarks, “If it’s not meant to be, then it just won’t happen, but I’m going to keep trying.”
These are almost daily comments I hear. It’s easy to let them impact my own mentality. I sometimes worry if my viewpoint is being clouded by such language. I choose to oppose it, so I work hard to resist the urge to see myself in those terms.
Are they right? Are there things meant to be versus things that aren’t meant to be? Does the universe care if my personal dreams are achieved? Or not?
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“In a good bookroom, you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.”
― Mark Twain
Twain was right. I know the feeling well, having surrounded myself with books for most of my adult life.
Only recently did I rid myself of the vast array of books that surrounded me. But it was time and I have no regrets. Hopefully, somebody else is benefiting from the thousands of books I donated not long ago to a local library.
Absorbing wisdom is an interesting phrase used by Twain in that quote. He didn’t say knowledge. There’s a difference.
“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”
― Albert Einstein
Here at LTW I’ve long given my personal definition of wisdom as the model from which each podcast episode is cast – getting it right in realtime. I stand by that definition, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of wisdom. Sometimes we learn wisdom because we got it wrong – the first time. Now the question is, “Will we get it right the next time?” Fools don’t. Wise people do. Simply put, wise people learn, and learn faster.
“Never laugh at live dragons.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
For our 45th wedding anniversary Rhonda bought me a toy dragon. For some unknown reason, I’ve dubbed him Carl.
Carl is dragon number 3 inside The Yellow Studio. The first was found many years ago in Clearwater, Florida while on a business trip. I found him in a store one day and kept going back daily wrestling with whether or not to purchase him. He’s ceramic and heavy. I was flying home and traveling as light as possible. By end of my last day there, I intentionally waited until close to closing time, walked in, grabbed him and made the store owner an offer, which he accepted. I can’t remember how much he was priced originally or why I even decided he might not be worth that amount, but pleased with my discounted price I brought him home to the Yellow Studio where he’s been a fixture for many years (over 20). You can likely figure out why I liked him so much. 😉
https://leaningtowardwisdom.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Orange-Dragon.mp4The first actual toy dragon came from the same place as Carl, a toy merchant at a local flea market in Hot Springs, Arkansas, Jimmie. For over 35 years Jimmie has been collecting and peddling toys. Ebay and the Internet have made profit harder to come by for Jimmie, but daily he mans his booth in this flea market jam-packed with toys of all ilks, including an occasional dragon.
Carl and this unnamed orange dragon came from Jimmie. I rather love them all. And recently told Jimmie to be on the look out for whatever might turn into my 3rd purchase from Jimmie.
These are the dragons who now reside Inside The Yellow Studio. And I’m always reminded of that Tolkien quote, “Never laugh at live dragons.” I suspect one’s first encounter with a live dragon might prove so fearful that a wise person would learn to not laugh, but to take the dragon seriously. So it is with learning wisdom. We may not get it right the first time, but we’d best get it right the next time lest it prove fatal.
As much as we may want to get it right in realtime, that often doesn’t happen. And it’s mostly okay. Except when it’s not.
For years I’ve shared with you my parental advice, “Don’t make a mistake from which you can’t recover.” We never wanted our children to make a mistake so foolish that it caused permanent or long-lasting damage. We trained them and hoped they’d learn from their mistakes, but mostly…we wanted those mistake to be ones from which they could recover or find redemption from.
It wasn’t just parental advice, it was what we tried to accomplish in our own lives, as their parents. Yes, we sometimes got it wrong, but with the things that mattered the most – those things that are eternal – we got it completely right. We leaned hard into providing the spiritual food our children needed to grow up strong, resilient and stedfast in the Faith.
Daily conversations, lots of questions answered, lots of study and Bible reading, prayer, worship and all the things to provide growing kids with enough information to figure out whether or not they’d get it right and serve God, or if they’d rather get it wrong and serve themselves. They choose wisely and got it right in real-time.
But I’m sad to report that sometimes getting it wrong in real-time can happen due to a change of will – a change of mind. One child decided God, Faith and eternity weren’t worth the sacrifice. That a marriage. And children weren’t worth it either. That a valuable career were not longer worth it. But instead that sin, self and vice were more valuable.
It was a hard decision to watch, but none of us liveth to ourselves and no man dies to himself (Romans 14:7). What we do impacts others. But we all have choices to make. We’re unable to make decisions for others. Even if we could impose our will on adult children, should we? What good would result? Manipulation and coercion are not the path forward.
Minds can be changed for good…or bad.
Here at LTW we’re intensely focused on getting it RIGHT (good) in real-time. We’re all about self-discipline and self-sacrifice because these are the attributes of wisdom, and living our best lives.
In my own quest to be a better person – and live a better life – I’ve had to alter my course at times. Improvement and growth always demand change. But it’s good change and we all benefit from it. Those changes, unlike the physical growth we see in our kids as they get taller and more mature, first begin in our brain. We change our mind. We decide we want or need to stop doing certain things. We decide we want to start doing other things. Before any action is taken we make up our mind that we want to take action.
Yesterday I saw a musician who I follow post about being 20 years sober. No alcohol. No drugs. For 20 years. That was a choice this musician made and in his post he urged his fellow musicians by saying if you don’t think you can play rock and roll and maintain sobriety, he was proof that it could be done. Over 20 years ago he changed his mind about drugs and alcohol and here he is, twenty years later, a better man because of it.
That’s getting it right.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi (13th century Turkish poet)
I’ve changed my mind many times. About many different things.
Just this morning my son and I were talking about such things. I reflected with him how I’ve sometimes encountered people who readily say, “I’m dug in. I’m not going to change my mind.” I’m sad for such people because they’re intentionally refusing to learn, develop, learn, understand or grow. It’s such a foolish way to go, but it’s our life – we can do as we please.
Some weeks ago I did an episode about an ideal outcome that Rhonda and I have been thinking about for some time – an outcome that involves us planning to have a couple of short-term rental spaces, independent bedroom suites. Well, since I recorded that episode some things have changed that have caused us to change our mind. It’s just one illustration of how a change of heart (mind) can result in a change in what we most want to pursue. And that’s how it ought to be if we’re open to figuring out a better way, or a path that might serve us better.
And you know what?
Other people helped us figure that out. Funny how that works. Leaning on people we trust – people we know want our very best – can serve us unlike anything else. If only we’d open ourselves to forge relationships with people who are that safe for us.
I was reading one of the many research tomes about happiness. To be clear, I think happiness and the pursuit of it are highly overrated. Not because I want to be unhappy, but because happiness is so fleeting. I think a better outcome (goal) is peace and joy. But my view is likely biased because of my faith and belief in the Bible. The Bible speaks quite a lot about love, joy and peace – not happiness.
At any rate, this research was interesting to me – about happiness. One key barometer, per this study, of happiness was having at least one great friend. How do you the greatness of the friend? Somebody you could call at 3am. Whether it’s because you need help or you simply feel alone, a great friend is somebody you can call at 3am and they’ll answer.
Shockingly, some married folks answered that they had nobody – not a single person – they could call at 3am. And I’m thinking, “Not your husband or wife?” How sad is that?
I know such friends can be hard to find. And keep. But anybody who hasn’t got a friend like that should not sit idly by and accept that as “just how it’s got to be.” No, change your mind, then get busy changing that circumstance of your life. Firstly, be the 3am friend somebody else needs. Do that with enough folks and I guarantee you’ll cultivate somebody in your life who will be that person for you.
Change. Growth. Improvement.
It starts in our head (or heart). It progresses in how we behave. And how we behave determines who we truly are.
I’m disinterested in being somebody else, but I’m very interested in being a better version of myself. Always improving is my quest. Much of the time I fail. It’s my own fault. I’ve got nobody else to blame. This is my life and if I’m going to become a better person then it’s up to me to first decide, then – like my sober rockstar – to take action so it can become my reality.
Rinse and repeat. Because like his sobriety, our improvement is a daily discipline. Wisdom demands constant attention. Climbing the hill over and over and over again. Wisdom is never a once and done affair. Foolishness, like entropy, creeps into our life. It’s easy because neglect is easy. It’s easy to not make your bed. It’s easy to not vacuum or mop the floors. It’s easy to avoid mowing the grass, or shoveling the snow. It’s easy to neglect our health with our diet habits. The path of easy is the most destructive path we can choose, but resisting it is, well…hard. Self-deprivation is tough. We could ask the sober rockstar how tough it’s been and I’ll bet he’d tell us every day is a struggle. He’s also tell us it’s worth it.
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Some time ago I ran across this verse and in short order I wrote the title of today’s show: age, broken hearts and the getting of wisdom. I don’t agree with every sentiment expressed, but I found it interesting. What do you think about it?
What does it feel like to be old?The other day, a young person asked me: – What did it feel like to be old?I was very surprised by the question, since she did not consider me old.When he saw my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question.And after reflection, I concluded that getting old is a gift.Sometimes I am surprised at the person who lives in my mirror. But I don’t worry about those things for long.I wouldn’t trade everything I have for a few less gray hairs and a flat stomach.I don’t scold myself for not making the bed, or for eating a few extra “little things.”I am within my rights to be a little messy, to be extravagant, and to spend hours staring at my flowers.I have seen some dear friends leave this world, before they had enjoyed the freedom that comes with growing old.-Who cares if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4am and then sleep until who knows what time?I will dance with me to the rhythm of the 50’s and 60’s.And if later I want to cry for some lost love… I will.I’ll walk down the beach in a swimsuit that stretches over my plump body and dive into the waves letting myself go, despite the pitying looks of the bikini wearers.They’ll get old too, if they’re lucky…It is true that through the years my heart has ached for the loss of a loved one, for the pain of a child, or for seeing a pet die.But it is suffering that gives us strength and makes us grow.An unbroken heart is sterile and will never know the happiness of being imperfect.I am proud to have lived long enough for my hair to turn gray and to retain the smile of my youth, before the deep furrows appeared on my face.Now, to answer the question honestly, I can say: – I like being old, because old age makes me wiser, freer!I know I’m not going to live forever, but while I’m here, I’m going to live by my own laws, those of my heart.I’m not going to regret what wasn’t, nor worry about what will be.The time that remains, I will simply love life as I did until today, the rest I leave to God.
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“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.” – Mark Twain
People under 40 tend to think that as you get older your ambitions wane. I was once 40 and I thought the same thing. Until I grew older and hit 50. Then I hit 60. And my ambitions changed, but if anything, they intensified. Then I hit 65 and the intensity had grown even more intense. Compared to my younger ambitions, while very different, my current ambitions are much more focused. My resolve is far deeper than it was when I was younger.
There are many reasons for that, I suppose. Not the least of which is the realization that time is moving quickly through the hourglass of life. “If not now, when?” is a question rolling around in many older, gray (or bald) heads.
“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work, one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ambition is hard, but lack of ambition is harder.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Pain. Struggle. Sorrow. Adversity.
Everybody experiences these things. Daily. If you don’t think so, it’s only because you don’t know. And I don’t either. Mostly, we’re quite consumed with our problems. We notice others when their problems seem heavier than ours.
The lessons of life (and wisdom) are taught to us through all these difficulties. For some, it crushed dreams and ambitions. For others, it fuels them, causing them to grow even larger. I wish I fully understand why some of us choose to surrender and others of us choose to fight even harder. I could likely help many more people if only I could solve that riddle, but I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I only know that each of us has a choice to make when trouble comes. We can hide (like cattle) or we can run directly into the battle and fight (like buffalo).
“Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” – Oscar Wilde
It’s a tall, tall order to keep ourselves on a short, short leash. Self-control. Restraint. Temperance. Self-discipline. These are hard, but possible things. You’ve got the power over yourself just like I’ve got the power over myself. “I can’t help myself,” is what fools say because it’s completely inaccurate. It’s an excuse. It’s a statement of surrender where people basically declare, “I’ve decided to be a victim.”
I don’t know how old you are, or all the stuff you may be battling. And I don’t know all the opportunities you can see – much less the ones you can’t. We’ve all got unseen opportunities.
I once considered 40 old. Funny how it morphs over time. As we grow older, our definition of old keeps moving. 😉
With decades of experience in fighting dragons, I’ve got different ambitions than I once had. Things that seemed important then – and honestly, they were important – are no longer as important, if at all. Part of that is growth and increased wisdom. Part of it is circumstance. When you’ve got small children you’re pursuing some things. When the kids are in high school, approaching college…you’re chasing something very different. When the kids leave home, get married and start having kids of their own, it changes even more. And with those changes in situations and circumstances come drastic changes in ambition. For me, they haven’t lessened, but they’ve changed.
Here are my financial ambition-fueled terms: sustainable, predictable, reliable, modest, practical, and probable.
Turns out almost all my ambitions could be described using those same terms.
It wasn’t always that way. Not in my 20s, 30s or even 40s. And largely, not even in my 50s.
But let’s address something you may have experienced similar to me – times when ambition was simply to survive. To just get through the present storm. It’s less about chasing sunshine, but more about getting out from under the hail storm.
Here in north central Texas we get thunderstorms. In fact, we’re having one as I prepare for this episode. Thunder. Wind. Rain.
I’m not thinking about sunshine at this moment. I’m thinking “here’s another thunderstorm” and wondering how long it might last. I’m inside and safe, but I’m selling one of our cars. I just listed it last night and now I’ve got to figure out when to book appointments for people to come see it. I don’t want to do that until this storm passes. My ambition isn’t centered around sunshine, but around letting this storm (and rain) pass first. If I weren’t selling a car, I’d likely embrace this storm though ’cause I rather like a good storm every now and again. 😉
Just today I saw this headline – When older couples break up, it’s not always about conflict. There’s something else going on.
I only paid attention to it because I’m older…and we’re an older couple. No risk of us breaking up, but I was curious. And it speaks to the ambitions we may or may lack in our most sacred relationships – our marriages.
The article says…
“Oftentimes, what we see among retirees is that it’s typically not about conflict,” said Galena Rhoades, Ph.D., a research professor in the University of Denver’s psychology department. “The reason for divorce is lack of positives.”
Older couples, by contrast, tend to confront different challenges. With their kids grown up, they may struggle to reestablish their identities as independent from their role as parents. Shifting into retirement mode can also throw a wrench into the relationship.
“There’s a link between transition and distress,” Rhoades said. “Going through any stressful event or change, like retirement, means changes in how couples interact with each other.”
For older couples facing a malaise, there are ever-evolving alternatives to divorce. Opportunities to redefine the relationship abound.
My ambition in my marriage has no expiration date. If anything, I’m way more ambitious today than ever. For some simple, but profound reasons.
- I cherish my wife more than ever. That’s not new, but it has certainly deepened over time.
- Faith and love have grown…as we’ve both grown older, together. We made vows to each other before God, and we have a clear understanding of God’s demands for marriage. After all, He instituted it. One man, one woman, together for life. That’s our conviction and our commitment.
- I said it in the episode about strong men, but it bears repeating because of social media. I put my wife on a pedestal – sometimes not as well as I should, or as well as she deserves – but I have never put her on display.
- We are the most important people in the world to each other. We love our family, but our number 1 priority is each other. It’s necessarily so and we want it to be that way for our tribe. We don’t want to be our son’s most important people. That should be (and is), his wife. Love isn’t a competition. There’s enough to go around. It’s a matter of priority though and devotion, based on that priority.
- If it is to be, it’s up to US. Rhonda and I are the architects of our marriage and our life together. Incorporated into that is our individual life. I don’t decide for her. She doesn’t decide for me. However, each of us owes the other due consideration for how our choices impact both of us. Life isn’t a self-centered ordeal. We’re in this together. All the time!
Time can dampen or fuel an ambition, but the best ambitions don’t expire. Ambitions like having a great marriage! Or helping the people you love. Or leaning toward wisdom!
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Happy New Years!
This is a bonus episode. I wasn’t sure if I’d release it or not, but why not? I hope it serves to inspire you to dream your own dreams. And better yet, to pursue them so you can make them your reality. Thank you for listening. -Randy
I’ve already introduced you to one woman, Re, my maternal grandmother. The second woman I’ve not yet talked about, is Nelda, my mother-in-law. Nelda passed away from breast cancer when she was only 42. Rhonda and I were in our first year of marriage so my exposure to Nelda was limited to the few years I dated Rhonda and that single year of our married life. Rhonda was Nelda’s firstborn. Five more would follow. At the time of her death, there were still children at home.
My perspective of Nelda, while limited, now consists of being the husband to her daughter. I suspect Rhonda has qualities like her mom. For starters, her mother always seemed strong and resilient. Her daughter, my wife, is. Nelda’s spiritual fortitude heavily influenced the family. When Rhonda was a little girl Nelda went looking for a spiritual environment in which to raise her children. She found the truth found only in scripture. Had she not done that, I would have never met Rhonda – because we met at church.
When I began dreaming about Re’s Retreat – I told you about that idea back in this episode. I told Rhonda about it, but I also told her I had her mother in mind and that my ideal outcome would be to also create another space named after her mother, Nelda’s Nest.
We’d daydream about it. We’d make notes. We’d share ideas – house ideas, decorating ideas.
The idea for some short-term rental spaces didn’t start with the 2 women who were important in our lives, but they quickly entered the picture for me. And I held to the notion that I only wanted to create awesome, comfortable spaces for couples because that’s what I knew. Rhonda and I had experienced a variety of spaces so we had firsthand knowledge of what we liked, what we disliked, what we wish we could find, and more. While we’re not qualified to speak for everybody – and certainly our preferences may not be everybody’s preferences – we felt like we knew what would work. Namely, what would likely work better!
The memories and influences of two important women put pressure on us to get it right.
I define wisdom very simply as getting it right in real-time. That’s our daily prayer…that we’ll make wise decisions.
We’ve always felt the appropriate pressure to get decisions right, but it’s more intense now that we’re older. I’ve likened it to landing a plane, the metaphor for achieving our next goals. At our age, the runway is shorter so we have to really hit our mark. There’s little room for error. That advice we always gave the kids, “Don’t make a mistake from which you can’t recover,” reverberates. We may not have time to recover so it’s urgent and important that we get it right in real-time!
The dream began a few years ago as we contemplated turning 65. Not because of retirement, but because that’s when you must register for Medicare health insurance coverage (without any penalty – apply for it outside your initial enrollment period and you’ll pay more). It’s an important mile marker that was fast approaching, but it was just one of many mile markers.
Cognitive decline is a fact of life. I read an article published online on the National Library of Medicine website entitled, “When does age-related cognitive decline begin?”
I’m not a physician so I wasn’t able to understand all of it, but it confirmed some things I already knew to be true from my observations. While I’m 15 years past 50 I still feel like I’m mostly in good shape cognitively. Of course, I could be nuts. How would I know? 😀
I’ve seen older men in my life display cognitive decline that was most noticeable to me as they reached 80. To be fair, I’ve not lived with them so my judgment isn’t based on being around them 24/7. Stats don’t address how individual such things occur. We’re all different.
I could be completely out of my mind before the end of the year. I hope not. But there are no guarantees. 😉
I’m playing the odds. I’m praying and dreaming. Dreaming preceded planning. It always does.
People grow old. Circumstances change because of age. Health. Finances. Relationships. It can all change and not all that change is bad. Some years ago I felt compelled to prepare, knowing that my preparation wouldn’t be able to consider every outcome. Still, preparing beats avoiding it. That whole be a buffalo thing – avoid hiding. I didn’t want to hide from this.
Okay, what do the memories of two women have to do with the dream?
Everything. They represent our dream which is driving our preparation.
The genesis of the dream was our short-term rental experiences. Some of the places we stayed, including some of our favorite places, had names given to them by the owners. Mostly, they were names meant to foster serenity or some other pleasant feeling. As a business guy that made sense. Good marketing and all that.
Four or five years ago I hadn’t yet thought of one day operating a short-term rental of my own. But as soon as we began to book places I started studying the space. Curiosity drove me to question our hosts about their entry into it and ask about their experiences. People were forthcoming and open to share. My interest was rising.
My business curiosity kicked up a notch. I dove into reading more, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos, and getting acquainted with people I trusted – folks who owned and operated their own short-term rental properties. As always, I was making notes and figuring things out.
True to my customer service fanatism, I took mental (and physical) notes of all our experiences noting details that I thought could be improved. The places we stayed were not built from the ground up. Mostly, they were adapted from existing spaces. And we never had a bad experience. Some were just better than others. A few details we dictated by the space and the location. For example, some more remote places lacked good Internet. Others did the best they could with the limited space available to them – but they were a bit cramped.
From the start, we knew we wanted to create a great experience for married couples…couples like us. But there’s a star of the show that plays a prominent role in all this, a place. A specific place! A place dominated by older, more mature people. A serene place attractive to those of us yearning for peace, tranquility, and slower-paced. Since we were the demographic of folks we dreamed of serving it became easier to dream with specificity. Details filled our dreams.
We created the bedroom suite and the rest of the space in our heads. Then we began to sketch it out on paper, listing the things we loved where stayed and the things we wished had been better. Quickly we realized that some of our gripes really didn’t cost much. They just required a more thoughtful approach. It was apparent to us that many of our hosts had never spent a night in their suite. And if they did, they weren’t noticing things that stood out quite clearly for us.
Then we began to assess whether any of these things were detrimental. For example, as inexpensive as large TVs are, why have a 32″ TV when you could have opted for a 55″ or larger? Any downside to providing guests with a larger set? None we could think of. The worst-case scenario is they never turn it on. Okay, so what?
Rather than the smallest microwave possible – one where you could barely squeeze a full-sized plate inside…why not opt for a bigger, nicer unit? Again, not that much money is involved in these choices.
Seating is important. One of our favorite places has a nice small den-type area (which has a big TV), but some of the seating they have in place will give you a backache within a few minutes because the back of the sofa forces your shoulders forward putting pressure on your lower back. During our first stay, I moved it out of the way and in its place, I slide over a nearby recliner that was much more comfortable. After that, every time we entered the place in future stays, I’d rearrange the furniture so I could avoid backaches. Yes, before leaving I always moved things back.
Noise is important. Well, actually, quiet is important. During the night you can hear things you may not pay attention to during waking hours. No TV sound. No conversation. Silence. Except for that refrigerator that hums like a drone flying overhead. Or a wall clock with mechanical ticking. Again, it seemed obvious the hosts had never spent a night here…and if they did, they must have worn earplugs. Me? I use a white noise app on my phone going through a Bluetooth speaker. I’ll use that no matter what, but it’s mandatory when the room is filled with racket.
At night, when you turn off the lights, the lights around the room matter. Especially LED lights. I’m the guy who carries a roll of black electrical tape. In some places, I’m guilty of taping over dozens of little lights that stay illuminated. Those power strips that have an ON light. The AC unit that has multiple lights and displays. The USB ports with lights. The router or connectivity hubs. The microwave oven clock. The air filter. The wall switch that operates the ceiling fan. The TV that has a red LED that turns on when the TV is off (that was a brilliant design). 😉
Turn out all the lights. Get the room dark. Now look around at all the little lights in the room. When you’re a super light sleeper who battles insomnia, it’s not a recipe for a restful night. Night lights in the bathroom are helpful because you’re in a place you’re not used to. So when you get up in the middle of the night, muscle memory kicks in. Without that bathroom night light you might find yourself nose first into a wall because you forgot you weren’t home.
None of these things takes a bunch of money. A bigger TV might involve a couple of hundred bucks. A bigger microwave may involve an extra $50. The rest of it is just thoughtfulness and figuring out how to better manage the space.
We’ve now got a few years’ worth of these kinds of notes. And we’re still in the dreaming phase.
The overall dream is fueled because of that age thing – our growing older. That whole cognitive decline possibility and whatever else may befall us. Daily I pray and concern myself (to some degree) with self-sufficiency and not being burdensome to anybody. Firstly, to not be burdensome to Rhonda. Secondly, to the rest of the family. Thirdly, to anybody else! A big part of this dream is to generate income via short-term rental so we can cash flow our next chapter and memorialize these two women we loved, and provide a memorable experience for people – just like the best experiences we’ve been afforded by many of our hosts! Additionally (this is important) so we can have some spaces we can provide to friends and family when the spaces aren’t generating some income. Sharing matters.
For about four years we’ve lived with the dream while studying, researching, and learning. Doing our best to figure it out so we can minimize learning on the job, which we know we’ll have to do. We just don’t want to learn everything on the job.
About a year ago we migrated to the planning phase, which still incorporates the dreaming phase, but now we were thinking of how not just what. How can we accomplish these dreams? What will it take to do this?
Along the way, there was plenty of, “Do we want to do this?” It wasn’t always so cut and dried. So we gave ourselves time to wrestle with it a bit and see if we could pin it down. We’re still working on it taking it one step at a time.
Right now – as I hit record – we’re working to assemble the resources for the next chapter of our lives. I’m not sure which iteration we’re on, but it ain’t plan A.
John Mullins and Randy Komisar wrote a book back in 2009 entitled Getting to Plan B: Breaking Through to a Better Business Model. While the context is business, it has a broader application. We have all kinds of plans in our life. Some argue that we ought to burn the boats, a metaphor for going forward with your plan and destroying any opportunity to go back. That’s ridiculously stupid advice because as the authors of that book point out, traction and momentum often don’t happen until you get much further down the line of altering the plan.
Think about it. Here you are with your plan A. Now you take a step, your first. Do you know more now than you did one step ago? Probably. Are you going to learn or ignore what you learn? I think of those freestyle rock climbers. You know, those crazy folks who climb with nothing more than their hands and a bag of chalk. No ropes. No safety harnesses. They make one move on the face of a mountain. Their very next move is going to be based on what they know now. Sure they’ve mapped out a course. They have a plan. But plans change based on new information. If not, we’re idiots!
We’ve taken steps toward our dream, but all those steps are focused on just one thing – readying ourselves for the actual execution of our plans to build two short-term rental suites on the same property where we live. That’s the dream. The plan. The ideal outcome. We’ve mapped out very specific ideas and committed them to paper. Are they realistic? We think so, but we’re not 100% sure. What we are 100% sure about is that our current plans will likely change. And more than once. But that’s part of the fun. I call it plan M because there are 26 letters in the alphabet and M is smack dab in the middle. We might hit it on plan D. Or it might be plan Y. Lord willing, we’ll execute some plan. Perhaps it’ll be vastly different than what we have in mind. We’ll just have to keep moving forward to find out.
Right now, the plan is going according to plan. We’re architecting the next stage of the process. It began with ridding ourselves of unnecessary things. Then it moved to assemble resources so we could fund the goal. That’s the step we’re currently in. Counting the cost, marshaling resources – that’s where we are right now. From there we’ll have a more clear idea of what to do next.
Hopefully, sharing our journey is helpful as you create your own journey.
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So long 2022. I hated much of my time with you! 😉
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Anonymous
My hatred for this year – okay, that’s an exaggeration, but only a minor one – is coupled with my love for the challenges that came with it. Challenges provide growth. I wish it weren’t so. I’d much rather learn from calm, tranquil success.
Today’s headline is pure snark because few years have received the effort put forth to make 2022 a decent year. I was never aiming for more. Maybe there’s a lesson for me. I should have aimed higher and expected more. But I didn’t. And the year didn’t measure up. It couldn’t even hit the decent mark…so it felt like a bit of success to have avoided aiming for anything higher.
2022 was a great year for some of you. An awful year for others of you. For me, it was just so-so. Another take-it-or leave-it year. Mostly, a leave it year. 😉
But that sounds too depressing and too negative. Besides, I’m leaning hard into sarcasm and snarkiness since this is the last episode of the year.
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“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.” ― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967
Reinvention.
It seems an odd word when applied to us, to our lives – to who we are or who we hope to become.
He tells me he’d like to reinvent himself. Oh, okay. I wonder what he means so I ask a few questions hoping to understand. “Into what?” I ask. We laugh, but it’s a serious question, even if the tone is lighthearted. He pauses and I continue the snarkiness with, “Something better I hope!” More chuckles.
“Really, tell me what you’re thinking,” I ask.
For the next few minutes, all I hear is about the past with a bit of the present sprinkled in. Mostly things I already know. But they’ve got a familiar ring to them. They sound like…excuses. They sound like a front, a cover story.
Being the Hunter S. Thompson fan that I am, I thought of that line Hunter wrote long ago. “A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.”
When he comes up for air, through the reciting of excuses, I ask, “What’s stopping you?” Acting as though he didn’t hear me, he says, “Sorry?” So I repeat it, “What’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from this reinvention?”
Experience had taught me he’d likely go down one of two paths. One, he’d be bold and answer. Not many people do that. Two, he’d wind up with more excuses. That’s the course he took. I wasn’t shocked.
After a few more minutes even he seemed exhausted with making up excuses and crafting a cover story to hide why he wasn’t yet choosing to do something about this life he himself had built. The not-so-surprising thing is, like all the rest of us, he was vocalizing the many reasons why life had imposed on him circumstances and brought him to this point in life where he wasn’t satisfied, much less happy. It was all these influences on him that were prompting him to desire a change, a “reinvention” as he called it.
I’m not completely impatient when it comes to history or looking at our past because I realize the value in understanding it well enough to know why we may have learned what we’ve learned. I also know that deep down, most of us are the 11-year-old version of ourselves. Stuck in time, not because of hard wiring, but because of choice. I see it almost every day.
She grew up with hardly enough to eat. Now, as a mom, she’s fixated on making sure her kids eat even more than they’d like because she’s remembering her own childhood hunger. Well, her kids aren’t her and intellectually, she knows that but she’s unable to forget her own experiences and it provokes her to battle an enemy – hunger – that her kids don’t even face!
That was then. This is now.
I had a history professor inform us how history just keeps on being produced. We never get ahead of it. It’s a conveyor belt of events and people that just never stops. Our lives are the same way. Whatever your history is matters, but how much? I mean, this woman hasn’t been hungry for years. And it has no bearing on things today, except that it’s so imprinted into her she won’t let it go! Heavy emphasis on won’t, not can’t. Besides, if hunger does ever reoccur, stuffing oneself right now won’t eliminate that.
So Mr. I Want To Reinvent Myself is going on and on about things that have already happened. They matter, but again, the question I have is, “How much?” So I ask him. “How much does any of that matter?”
More “here’s my story and I’m sticking with it” ensues.
It’s now time to use his own language against him for his own good.
“Well, if you want to reinvent yourself then doesn’t that mean you invented yourself to begin with?” This ain’t my first rodeo in a conversation like this.
He leans his head back, putting his chin in the air. Takes a big inhale through his nostrils, then slowly exhales. By the time his chest goes in from the exhale he has realized the corner he’s put himself into. Now trapped in the story he himself told, including the cover story he crafted to make himself look better than he really is – something we all do, by the way – he’s realizing he’s go nowhere to hide. These are glorious moments for me because these are the corners where the magic happens. The corners where all our excuses are eliminated and we’re left alone in the corner staring into a mirror where at long last – for some, the first time ever – we learn that this is OUR life and we’ve made it what it is up to this point…and whatever improvements we want to now make…they’re completely up to US. Nobody else had a vote. We’re a one-person government with only a single vote. When we realize that we alone cast that vote, it’s a powerful realization.
So I look at him. I say nothing. I just let him process this moment as he grows more comfortable being in this corner. I suspect he’s not been here before because few have. Most enjoy what he’s been enjoying – telling the story of how they came to be in this spot. Telling the cover story of why things aren’t better. Telling the story that makes them look like a hero even deep down they know they’re a coward, unwilling to face whatever challenges have long stood in their way. Berating themselves while crowing about themselves in hopes others won’t find out. This is the stuff of all our lives. For some though, it’s a way of life. For others, it’s moments here and moments there.
“Have you been putting off this choice?” I inquire. “Have you been making excuses for why you haven’t created the life you now say you want?”
He stares at me. At first, I’m not quite sure if he’s getting angry with me or himself. Quickly, it’s obvious. He’s angry that he’s not seen this before. I can just tell.
“It’s okay. We see it when we see it. We learn it when we learn it. The good news is that now that you’ve learned it, you can move forward.”
“I’m an idiot,” he says. It’s a common refrain when we see something we’ve not seen before – especially when it’s something in ourselves.
“You’re hardly an idiot. You’re human. You’ve got baggage. You’ve got experience. It’s the Matrix that we’re all living in. Some of us have the courage to look at ourselves enough to see what you’re now seeing – we created this life for ourselves. All of it. We invented this reality so we can reinvent it. It’s great news!”
As we continue to talk I impress on him the man he is today versus the younger man he was when he first invented himself. He’s better educated. He’s got a family that he loves and who loves him. He’s got a career. His life isn’t bad even if it’s not the one he most wants. Yet. I remind him that the idiot he may feel he is is more likely the idiot who he once was and THAT idiot didn’t do such a bad job. “Imagine what this idiot can do,” I jokingly challenge him.
It’s always true. All those choices I made when I was a kid growing up formed my life. I’m not minimizing the influences – they matter greatly. But they don’t matter more than my own power of choice. That’s why you can find kids who grew up in awful circumstances emerge victorious in being great humans…while others who seemed to have every advantage may grow up as miserable people. We get to decide for ourselves. Influences and circumstances can help. Or not.
If I take a look at my life right now I know that the person who crafted this life didn’t know nearly as much as I know today. Didn’t have near as much experience and know-how as I do today. Didn’t have as much wisdom as I have today. Didn’t have many of the advantages that I have today. So am I to believe that today I’m less powerful to craft an improved life – to reinvent myself TODAY?
Rubbish.
I’m so much more qualified to make a decision today. I’d argue that I’ve never been better. I’ve never known this much, had this much experience, or insight or wisdom.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve got more courage. The courage required to make a different – a better – choice!
That’s the hard work required of going into the corner. To stop being foolish with our cover story and excuses. To figure out how we can now, at long last, face our dragons knowing that we can slay them…because we can.
The dragons are those inside our heads, the ones convincing us it’s not our fault or responsibility. The ones that convince us others have done this to us. Or that life and circumstances have. It’s all that self-talk that we listen to and believe. We have the power over those dragons.
The dragons are those circumstances Hunter mentioned. The ones that’ll decide for us if we refuse. Or put it off. Life will happen no matter what we do. But even those dragons have less power over us when we understand that they simply require of us another decision. Namely just one decision, “Okay, now what?”
It’s funny to me how all of us – me included – can fixate on who or what is to blame. Mostly, deflecting so it doesn’t appear that we’re to blame. Like those suspects in a police interrogation room who try desperately to distance themselves from the crime, we know we’re more culpable than we’d like to admit. So we don’t admit it. That’s why those cover stories matter. And we can become skillful at crafting what seem to us to be great cover stories. The problem is, the better they are the more believable they are to others – but more importantly, the more we genuinely believe them. Never mind that they’re total lies. And we know it. Or did we did when we first started telling them, but maybe now, over time and having repeated them enough, we believe them. That’s horrifically damaging. When we delude ourselves because we’re believing our own lies about ourselves.
We can learn optimism. We can also learn helplessness.
Urging people – including ourselves – to avoid fear is empty advice. We’re all afraid. Fear is real. Even if it’s only imagined.
Sometimes we need somebody to help us. To serve us the way Ceaser, the Dog Whisperer, serves those ill-behaved dogs. He gently, but firmly makes a movement with one hand on the dog’s throat. A biting action done with his hands. It’s the attention-getter that distracts the dog, even momentarily, from the bad behavior. It takes the dog mind off of what they doing. It’s like the joke we make with friends who hurt themselves mildly, like hitting your finger with a hammer. “Here, let me hit you in your foot, it’ll take your mind off it.” The joke may be on us. It’s true. Sometimes the remedy is to get our mind of it. But how?
By not thinking at all. By doing. By making a choice and getting on with it.
I want to drop another 20 pounds. I’m about that far from what I think may be my ideal weight. I’m not deluded. It’s based mostly on my own sense of self and what my doctor also suggests. I can strategize about it. I can think about it. Then think about some more. But none of that is going to help me lose the 20 pounds. You know what will work?
Making up my mind, then beginning. Right now. Doing it. That’s what’ll work.
It’s true of weight-loss or anything else. It’s not more knowledge. It’s not more time to ponder it. It’s not some new, creative strategy. It’s not reading a book about how to do it. Or taking some course. Or paying some subscription service that has some tricks or recipes. It’s me deciding to get on with it.
Because here’s what’s going to happen when I do that. I’m going to figure it out as I go and I’ll drop the weight. And if I keep my mind made up, I’ll keep it off. Nothing will stop me ’cause I won’t let it.
And in doing all that I’ll be reinventing – or rewriting part of my story. I’ll be accepting responsibility for my own weight-loss outcome. I’ll happily look in the mirror when I mess up and declare, “That’s on me. I choose to slip up.” Then I can make a new decision on “now what?”
Or…
I can spend the new months pining about how I can’t believe life did this to me. I can fret and excuse every poor fitness I make while laying it at the feet of anybody and everything I can. I can surround myself with people who will listen to my excuses and believe them. People who will help make me feel better by telling me how I really don’t need to lose weight. “You look great just the way you are!”
And I can keep on being exactly who I am and what I am. Never changing. Never growing. Never improving. But miserable.
I get to decide.
So do you.
Happy Holidays! 😉
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A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
-Winston Churchill
I must not be a fanatic. 😉
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
-George Bernard Shaw
I grew up mostly thinking that change meant the potential for improvement and growth. Sometimes I was disappointed, but not always. Turns out life sometimes disappoints, but not always. So change isn’t that unique.
Some people take a stand against change declaring how much they hate it. They prefer sameness and predictability. It’s comforting.
Then some love change because they’re quickly bored with sameness. They prefer spontaneity, and like things to be more unpredictable.
I don’t feel like I fit into either category because there must be shades of grey between these two extremes. For starters, I rather object to change for the sake of change – except when it comes to moving furniture around. I kinda prefer to have a reason behind the changes I want to make – I want the change at least to have a good shot at being an improvement. I’m more interested in things being better, not just different!
In that regard, everything is subject to change, even if it’s only my ability to understand it more clearly. It doesn’t mean things like absolute facts or truth change, but my view of them certainly can. And sometimes, it should…because sometimes I have things wrong. It’s not the facts or truth that need to change, but ME.
I started pondering how culture increasingly seems fixated on changing everything other than ourselves. When we don’t like something or agree with something, it’s less about us changing our viewpoint or increasing our understanding – but instead, it’s about doing whatever we can to impose altering the externals.
When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.
-Viktor E. Frankl
The problem is that sometimes the situation isn’t the problem. We are.
For a long time, I’ve been interested in the impact prescription opioids have on the human brain. Young. Old. Men. Women. It doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve talked with older people in their 80s who have a family member (also in their 80s) and they describe the behavior of their loved one exactly the same as those in their 30s describe a much younger man. “They’re behaving like a teenager with a rebellious streak. Selfish. Blaming everybody else.” It doesn’t seem to matter if they’re a young man or an old woman. The opioid user has little or no awareness. It’s just not how they see things. Or themselves.
Rarely have I encountered somebody suffering chronic pain, under the care of a pain management doctor, who found their way out of the opioid abyss, but once in a while, I run into them. Their story is also universal. “I can’t believe that was me,” they’ll say. They rehearse all the awful things they did, all the damage their addiction caused, and with guilt written all over their face, they’ll remark how unbelievable it is that they couldn’t see themselves as they truly were.
It was everybody else. It wasn’t them.
Culture and society make that same declaration every single day. I grew up hearing about “Johnny” and how everybody is out of step except “Johnny.” Truth is, Johnny is the problem, not everybody else. But like the emperor with no clothes, Johnny has no clue.
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The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersen
Many years ago there was an Emperor so exceedingly fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on being well dressed. He cared nothing about reviewing his soldiers, going to the theatre, or going for a ride in his carriage, except to show off his new clothes. He had a coat for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other ruler, “The King’s in council,” here they always said. “The Emperor’s in his dressing room.”
In the great city where he lived, life was always gay. Every day many strangers came to town, and among them one day came two swindlers. They let it be known they were weavers, and they said they could weave the most magnificent fabrics imaginable. Not only were their colors and patterns uncommonly fine, but clothes made of this cloth had a wonderful way of becoming invisible to anyone who was unfit for his office, or who was unusually stupid.
“Those would be just the clothes for me,” thought the Emperor. “If I wore them I would be able to discover which men in my empire are unfit for their posts. And I could tell the wise men from the fools. Yes, I certainly must get some of the stuff woven for me right away.” He paid the two swindlers a large sum of money to start work at once.
They set up two looms and pretended to weave, though there was nothing on the looms. All the finest silk and the purest old thread which they demanded went into their traveling bags, while they worked the empty looms far into the night.
“I’d like to know how those weavers are getting on with the cloth,” the Emperor thought, but he felt slightly uncomfortable when he remembered that those who were unfit for their position would not be able to see the fabric. It couldn’t have been that he doubted himself, yet he thought he’d rather send someone else to see how things were going. The whole town knew about the cloth’s peculiar power, and all were impatient to find out how stupid their neighbors were.
“I’ll send my honest old minister to the weavers,” the Emperor decided. “He’ll be the best one to tell me how the material looks, for he’s a sensible man and no one does his duty better.”
So the honest old minister went to the room where the two swindlers sat working away at their empty looms.
“Heaven help me,” he thought as his eyes flew wide open, “I can’t see anything at all”. But he did not say so.
Both the swindlers begged him to be so kind as to come near to approve the excellent pattern, the beautiful colors. They pointed to the empty looms, and the poor old minister stared as hard as he dared. He couldn’t see anything, because there was nothing to see. “Heaven have mercy,” he thought. “Can it be that I’m a fool? I’d have never guessed it, and not a soul must know. Am I unfit to be the minister? It would never do to let on that I can’t see the cloth.”
“Don’t hesitate to tell us what you think of it,” said one of the weavers.
“Oh, it’s beautiful -it’s enchanting.” The old minister peered through his spectacles. “Such a pattern, what colors!” I’ll be sure to tell the Emperor how delighted I am with it.”
“We’re pleased to hear that,” the swindlers said. They proceeded to name all the colors and explain the intricate pattern. The old minister paid the closest attention so that he could tell it all to the Emperor. And so he did.
The swindlers at once asked for more money, more silk and gold thread, to get on with the weaving. But it all went into their pockets. Not a thread went into the looms, though they worked at their weaving as hard as ever.
The Emperor presently sent another trustworthy official to see how the work progressed and how soon it would be ready. The same thing happened to him that had happened to the minister. He looked and he looked, but as there was nothing to see in the looms he couldn’t see anything.
“Isn’t it a beautiful piece of goods?” the swindlers asked him, as they displayed and described their imaginary pattern.
“I know I’m not stupid,” the man thought, “so it must be that I’m unworthy of my good office. That’s strange. I mustn’t let anyone find it out, though.” So he praised the material he did not see. He declared he was delighted with the beautiful colors and the exquisite pattern. To the Emperor, he said, “It held me spellbound.”
All the town was talking of this splendid cloth, and the Emperor wanted to see it for himself while it was still in the looms. Attended by a band of chosen men, among whom were his two old trusted officials-the ones who had been to the weavers-he set out to see the two swindlers. He found them weaving with might and main, but without a thread in their looms.
“Magnificent,” said the two officials already duped. “Just look, Your Majesty, what colors! What a design!” They pointed to the empty looms, each supposing that the others could see the stuff.
“What’s this?” thought the Emperor. “I can’t see anything. This is terrible!
Am I a fool? Am I unfit to be the Emperor? What a thing to happen to me of all people! – Oh! It’s very pretty,” he said. “It has my highest approval.” And he nodded approbation at the empty loom. Nothing could make him say that he couldn’t see anything.
His whole retinue stared and stared. One saw no more than another, but they all joined the Emperor in exclaiming, “Oh! It’s very pretty,” and they advised him to wear clothes made of this wonderful cloth, especially for the great procession he was soon to lead. “Magnificent! Excellent! Unsurpassed!” were bandied from mouth to mouth, and everyone did his best to seem well pleased. The Emperor gave each of the swindlers a cross to wear in his buttonhole, and the title of “Sir Weaver.”
Before the procession the swindlers sat up all night and burned more than six candles, to show how busy they were finishing the Emperor’s new clothes. They pretended to take the cloth off the loom. They made cuts in the air with huge scissors. And at last, they said, “Now the Emperor’s new clothes are ready for him.”
Then the Emperor himself came with his noblest noblemen, and the swindlers each raised an arm as if they were holding something. They said, “These are the trousers, here’s the coat, and this is the mantle,” naming each garment. “All of them are as light as a spider web. One would almost think he had nothing on, but that’s what makes them so fine.”
“Exactly,” all the noblemen agreed, though they could see nothing, for there was nothing to see.
“If Your Imperial Majesty will condescend to take your clothes off,” said the swindlers, “we will help you on with your new ones here in front of the long mirror.”
The Emperor undressed, and the swindlers pretended to put his new clothes on him, one garment after another. They took him around the waist and seemed to be fastening something – that was his train-as the Emperor turned round and round before the looking glass.
“How well Your Majesty’s new clothes look. Aren’t they becoming!” He heard on all sides, “That pattern, so perfect! Those colors, so suitable! It is a magnificent outfit.”
Then the minister of public processions announced: “Your Majesty’s canopy is waiting outside.”
“Well, I’m supposed to be ready,” the Emperor said and turned again for one last look in the mirror. “It is a remarkable fit, isn’t it?” He seemed to regard his costume with the greatest interest.
The noblemen who were to carry his train stooped low and reached for the floor as if they were picking up his mantle. Then they pretended to lift and hold it high. They didn’t dare admit they had nothing to hold.
So off went the Emperor in procession under his splendid canopy. Everyone in the streets and the windows said, “Oh, how fine are the Emperor’s new clothes! Don’t they fit him to perfection? And see his long train!” Nobody would confess that he couldn’t see anything, for that would prove him either unfit for his position, or a fool. No costume the Emperor had worn before was ever such a complete success.
“But he hasn’t got anything on,” a little child said.
“Did you ever hear such innocent prattle?” said its father. And one person whispered to another what the child had said, “He hasn’t anything on. A child says he hasn’t anything on.”
“But he hasn’t got anything on!” the whole town cried out at last.
The Emperor shivered, for he suspected they were right. But he thought, “This procession has got to go on.” So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noblemen held high the train that wasn’t there at all.
—————————————–
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.
-John F. Kennedy
Lack of self-awareness. Self-deception. Selfishness. These are our enemies that can require the help of others, but only if we’re willing to change ourselves! There’s the rub.
Willingness to change ourselves.
If you’re at the height of your personal growth you can click that STOP button right now. No need to listen any further. Instead, get yourself a microphone and start a podcast to share how you were able to get it done! 😉
Okay, for the rest of us who are still trying our best to figure things out – and aspiring to reach new heights of personal achievement – let’s see if we can wrestle some things to the ground and choke them out. I’m betting we can if we increase our willingness and resolve.
Growth and improvement don’t always mean dramatic alterations. In fact, quite often they’re very subtle, like the extension of an imaginary line altered by a mere few degrees. The further out we extend the line, the wider the gap in where it ends up versus where it was initially headed. So too with our lives when we alter a decision or action by just a little bit.
I’m currently on a trajectory toward this encore phase of life with some very specific outcomes in mind. I’m doing everything in my power to achieve those ideal outcomes. However, I realize things may not line up to allow me that ideal outcome. Does that mean I’m going to stubbornly refuse to change those outcomes? Well, I could, but that’s not how I’m going to roll. I decided long ago that my ideal outcomes are very subject to change. I’ve got an outcome that is supremely ideal – it’s what I would most love to have happen. It’s what I’m working to make happen. But what if time and new information arrive to cause me to question that? What if I change my mind and make a different decision?
This is the big reason why I fixate on the “what’s next?” question. Let’s figure out our next step – just one – then let’s look around and see what we learned in taking that first step. From there we can figure out our next step because it may look different from the second step we initially planned. Or it may not. But there’s little point in making that decision until we must.
Right now, I’m in the throes of the first step. Until I complete that step I’m going to make plans for what I think my second step will be, but this first one is so critical it may alter things. Things are subject to change and the change will translate into what I hope will be increasingly better decisions. That’s kinda the point, right? To keep getting better and to keep making better choices!
“I won’t change for anybody.”
Not even for yourself?
Not even when there’s evidence that as Sheryl Crow sings, “A change would do you good?”
Early in my career, I discovered Herb Cohen, a master negotiator. Herb wrote a book, You Can Negotiate Anything. Part of what I learned by reading Herb was to avoid being fooled into a bad deal simply because you had invested so much time in trying to make a deal. It used to be a common ploy among car dealers. To get shoppers to invest so much time in the dealership trying to buy a car that they’d accept a deal mostly favorable for the dealership. “Man, we’ve been here two hours already, let’s just get this deal done!”
Sometimes we do that to ourselves. We sabotage our own lives by our refusal to change something because we’ve been so committed to it for so long. The more you stop and think about that, the stupider it gets. More time isn’t always the answer any more than hitting it harder is wise advice when armed with a hammer. Sometimes we’re just doing it wrong. Or going about it in a way that’s never going to work.
Subtle changes can include hitting it in a different spot. More substantial changes may be required where we lay down the hammer in lieu of a wrench.
Some behavior is purely wrong. Destructive. Damaging. Moderating abuse isn’t the remedy. Stop it is the better advice. 😀
Vice. Immorality. Sin. Crime. Violence. Abuse.
These behaviors don’t work…even in moderation. Cutting back isn’t the change needed. Elimination is.
Some aspects of life require it IF we’re going to grow. Yes, we’re assuming growth and improvement are the desired outcomes, but that’s not how it is with everybody. Chronic bad behavior seeks no improvement, only approval. Only to be left alone to keep behaving badly. That’s not how we roll here though. We’re leaning toward wisdom, which necessarily means we’re all willing to look into the mirror, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, because we know that’s where our most important changes happen. Within ourselves!
So we’ve talked about changing ourselves. We’ve talked about how our ideal outcomes can change. Before we wrap up, perhaps we ought to give some consideration to things we feel are NOT subject to change. Got anything like that?
What’s in your life that you staunchly refuse to change? Be careful before you answer.
Let me start with God. And faith. God doesn’t change. Jesus doesn’t change. My understanding and obedience are constantly changing though. It’d be easy to convince myself that I need to change God to conform to how I’d like to live, but that’d be impossible in reality even though I could easily deceive myself. God isn’t going to change to my standards. He’s God. I’d better be busy changing to meet His standards.
My wife isn’t going to change. While it’s possible to change a spouse and many people do, that’s impossible for me. Firstly, because of God and my faith. Secondly, because I have no desire to change who I’m married to. It’s a choice. One I happily made decades ago.
My family isn’t going to change. The relationships do because we’re all growing older. The circumstances of our lives are changing. Kids grow up, get married and have kids of their own. The people who once made up my “immediate” family have their own now. They still matter. I still love them and trust they love me, but the relationships have changed into something different, arguably better.
My core values aren’t going to change. They could, but I made up my mind I won’t let them. I’ve no plans to abandon my faith. Or God. Or my wife. Or my family. I’m not able to make that decision for anybody else because maybe like you, I do have family and friends who made different decisions. Decisions to distance from me. Decisions to live deplorable lives. Decisions to seek my approval for things I simply can’t approve of – from them, from myself or from anybody else. This is where things subject to change can get vexing. Things that change for the worse, not because we make the change, but because somebody else does! Now, we’re faced with “what’s next?” Toxic or dangerous people don’t much like it when we make a choice that disapproves of their decision – their change.
So it is with the son who turns to drugs and alcohol but is constantly leaning on family members to get him out of trouble.
So it is with the daughter who turns to immorality and lude behavior but constantly leans on family members with venom about how they’ve wronged her.
So it is with the person who turns to selfish behavior, but is constantly leaning on acquaintances and family for favorable considerations, taking advantage of anybody.
Bad behavior knows no bounds. Good behavior has no limits.
Humans have a great capacity for greatness – either good or bad. We get to decide. We get to choose change. Or not.
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“Inspiration is the windfall from hard work and focus. Muses are too unreliable to keep on the payroll.”
― Helen Hanson
A muse is a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist. I’d modify that definition slightly by saying a muse is any source of inspiration for creativity. Do you have a muse? Have you ever?
Through the years of Leaning Toward Wisdom, I’ve talked about two that have occupied The Yellow Studio from the beginning – for over 22 years.
Books.
A guitar.
Back in July, I started The Great Purge. Around 1,500 books exited The Yellow Studio, donated to the local library where I suspect the majority were sold in an annual sale to raise money for said library. The few I decided to keep – well under 100 titles – were boxed up and safely stored away for the next chapter of The Yellow Studio.
By mid-August, whatever muse the books served was gone. Or was it?
The books were gone, but any muse – source of inspiration – was far from gone. Sleep and the books were gone, but the inspiration was running wide open. I began to get on an unprecedented recording roll prompted by hours of writing. Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas. I’m not saying any of them are good. You’re clicking PLAY so you can decide that. I only know that I had more episode ideas brewing than ever. Usually, I’m working on 4-6 show ideas, half of which never see daylight. About half of them languish and never get fully developed. Suddenly, in the span of about a month I looked and realized I had about twenty drafts going – show ideas that had a title and at least a couple of paragraphs of notes. I began to look at the totality of them to figure out the ones I most wanted to push across the finish line.
One idea begets another. It’s always worked that way for me. There was no attempt to keep that habit in play though since I already had so many episode ideas to pursue. But it happened anyway.
I’d sit here inside The Yellow Studio, headphones on listening to the BoDeans, or Dawes, or The Heavy Heavy, and start noodling on one idea – one draft. And a phrase or lyric would hit me, prompting me to open a new draft where I’d create a title. Just a title. Maybe one sentence to make note of what I was thinking of at the time. Then I’d go back to my original work.
“Great! Now instead of finishing one idea, I’ve created yet another one,” I’d think. Never mind. I’d trudge forward trying to finish at least one episode.
I leaned into the process.
Until I got COVID. My first foray with the virus. I’ll forever blame my contracting it on my poor sleep habits, provoked mainly by all the changes I was planning. Changes I desired and changes I was looking forward to – but changes that were putting my mind on a higher octane than it had experienced in some time. My mind wasn’t racing so much as it was doing cartwheels. I’m usually a bit more settled than that. But as we both know, we’ve never been HERE before. We’ve never been this age, in this place, in these circumstances, trying to do whatever it is we’re trying to do. We’re all in unchartered water as we enter a new day. Or night.
I thought about the muse and my references to my two most-mentioned muses. The biggest muse – the one that required the most space and was the most obvious – was gone. I was no longer surrounded by all the book spines that had surrounded me for years. And I was happy about it. I never experienced the sadness or difficulty that I predicted. Before The Great Purge, I had dreaded it, fearing I’d struggle to decide which books to keep and which would go. However, on the first day of sorting, I found myself fully engaged to see how few I could keep and how many I could part with. I piled the books in the hallway just outside The Yellow Studio. At one end of the hall were the keepers. At the other end were the goers. It quickly became a game to see how small I could make the keeper section and how large I could make the goer section. It was easy. Far easier than I had imagined. Mostly, it was liberating.
Once the books were gone from inside The Yellow Studio I sat here and wondered if my proverbial muse – the books – weren’t a muse at all, but a weight, an impediment. What if I had been wrong all these years about the books serving as a muse?
That’s when I began noodling today’s show, driven by my curiosity about these two perceived muses inside The Yellow Studio.
Do you have a muse? Have you ever had one? What made you think it was a muse?
For me, books were always inspirations for ideas. I’d read them and while I admit most weren’t worth the time invested to read them, many of them had at least one decent idea I could latch onto. The titles would remind me of when I had first read that book – and I’d have some thoughts about it. The titles alone often served to spark an idea.
Looking back, now that the books are gone, I wonder if they were less inspirational and more of a visual crutch. Did you catch what I said upfront about the things that inspire me?
Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas.
Only one of those is specifically visual, photographs. It made me wonder why I ever thought the books were a muse. That led me to the quote by thriller writer Helen Hanson. Her statement hit me, “Muses are too unreliable to keep on the payroll.” That’s when I began to ask, “Are my muses even muses? And are they too unreliable to keep around?”
Turns out I had my answer – at least my short-term answer – on the books! Not only were they not the muse I thought they were, but they may also have been a hindrance. A reminder of the creativity of others, but not the provoker of my own that I had always thought. Back in July, I updated my personal website – RandyCantrell.com – to include my renewed focus on creation over consumption. I was already thinking these things long before I started The Great Purge. I had been growing tired of all the time invested in reading books only to be frequently disappointed in the content. Mostly, I had really grown tired of the marketing of books – the constant overpromising and underdelivering.
I know that may sound harshly judgmental – and I admit it is. But it’s based – no, it’s steeped – in my personal experience. With one small, but major caveat – these were mostly business or non-fiction books I was thinking of. Were these books based on creativity? Some. Some not. Then the reality of what the books had really served hit me. Provoking thoughts. Questions. Even the bad ones had done that.
There I was sorting books in the hallway. Dividing the keepers from the goers, mere feet apart from one another. Some destined to find their way into the hands of new owners. Others, destined to remain with me – likely for the duration of my life, however short or long that may be. And the money and time invested in them had been worthwhile, if only because they had forged me into a person looking for thoughts, insights, experience, and wisdom. I figured even the bad ones had taught me something.
But none of that meant they were a muse.
And it didn’t mean that my past passion to buy and read books had to remain as it had in the past. For starters, there are now many new mediums from which ideas can be collected and sparked. Like podcasts. 😉
Information is freer than ever before. I’m not saying books are outdated because I still love to read. I still love books, but today’s love looks and feels different. I’m less hungry for them today. I think it’s because they once served as a gateway – the primary avenue – for learning. Today, they’re less so and it’s made me more discriminating when I look at books. When you’ve read as many business, leadership, organizational behavior, and other such books as I have, I suppose it improves your discernment radar. It’s not 100% accurate but I’m able to figure out more easily books that are liable to be worthless.
The muse wasn’t gone, but my thinking books were a muse was. More specifically, my having read them – the hours spent pondering ideas – had been my muse all along. The books had helped. Been a vital part of the process, but there was no inspirational quality inherent in the books themselves as I had originally thought.
Creation versus consumption.
Seems to me this is the common plight of the digital age. Consumption is a habit because there’s so much being created. It’s a great paradox. Creation is easier than ever before. The avalanche of content begs for eyeballs and earbuds. Some of it finds an audience. Much of it doesn’t. So somebody is creating stuff, including books that are still being written and published. We’re driven to consume, which is why you hear about movie studios, TV networks, and stream services hungering for content.
About now I started thinking of this whole muse thing – this whole creation versus consumption thing – in a negative light. Well, potentially negative. It started with HGTV, a network devoted to hawking housewares, flooring, paint, and other items needed so you can make your house better, just like the ones you see on TV. Don’t get me wrong. I love HGTV and watch a number of the renovation shows.
Marketing is designed, in part, to lure us. To create, or at least identify, our need or desire. Sparked by watching young women posting updates and creative things they were doing in their homes, I began to think about this whole muse thing and how HGTV and other platforms were fueling dissatisfaction. Improving something. Growing. Those are important components in my life. I get it. But mostly, I was thinking of the investments made in money and time. Remember, I’d been in the throes of The Great Purge – something that required no money, but time! It’s also important to remember that I was leaning harder into a more modest way of life. It’s just where I’m at in life.
As I am wont to do, I started mulling over childhood creativity. Those lazy afternoons where we laid around under the pine trees staring at the sky trying to figure out what we’d do next. Bored.
People get bored with their homes. HGTV provides some terrific inspiration and ideas on how we might alter our living spaces to be better. Different, at least. A muse of sorts. Is marketing done on HGTV, whether through advertising or programming, a muse?
It’s certainly not how I always thought of a muse. But I guessed it could fit if you consider the ability of a muse to foster discontentment. It’s not how I saw muses. I still don’t. It smacked more of covetousness than inspiration for creativity.
Then enters the guitar. My guitar. One I saved up for, dollar by dollar for a few years until I could afford it. Still in the case, with the plastic protector on the pickguard. Even though I bought the guitar back in 2007.
Like the books I had two distinct memories of the guitar, both involving some people I love. One an old friend who passed on. The other a young lady who just months ago because a first-time mom. Two people who create music, something I’ve never done. Two people who can play the guitar, something I’ve never learned. They’re the only hands that have fretted this guitar since I bought it brand new.
Stanley, my lifelong boyhood friend, who died back in 2013 was the first to play it.
Sophie, a young lady who married a young man I’d grown close to, was the second.
Only those two.
Along with books, I’ve long declared that owning a guitar – even though I don’t play the guitar – has served as somewhat of a muse. It’s based on my love affair with the instrument. A love affair that never drove me to learn it, but drove me to listen to others play and appreciate their abilities.
Here I sat inside The Yellow Studio, having concluded the freedom of the books was now serving me better than hanging onto them. And I realized my love affair with the guitar had nothing to do with owning one. The reality was, that owning one had only served as a reminder that I could – if I wanted – learn. But I never have. And I’ve owned guitars almost all my adult life. Fact is, I’m never going to learn because long ago I realized I enjoy hearing great guitar players more than I’ve ever wanted to become one. And there’s nothing appealing to simply knowing how to play. I’d much rather listen or watch others do it well.
So what to do with this muse that is not a muse at all?
If as Helen Hanson claims, a muse is too unreliable to keep on the payroll, well something that isn’t a muse is surely too unreliable to keep around. Maybe.
Then I aimed my attention at the first sentence of Helen’s quote. “Inspiration is the windfall from hard work and focus.”
My hard work and focus have never been on learning to play the guitar, but on listening to and appreciating how well others could play. I hadn’t worked hard at all to learn. I had invested a lot of time into hearing others play though. But this guitar – this particular guitar – has been played by a friend who was closer to me than a brother. He was the brother I never had. I did some shows about him so I won’t belabor it here. You can search “Stanley” in the search feature and find them.
This guitar isn’t some classic high-end instrument. It’s middle of the road and I got it because I thought I might give learning one more try with a guitar that has lower action (the height of the strings off the fretboard). Obviously, my plan was more in my head than in my fingers!
Keeper or goer?
This was much tougher than the books because even though it was less of a muse than the books, there were specific people associated with the guitar. One of whom was extraordinarily special to me. And I’ve got audio recordings of him playing it, too.
I went so far as to take pictures of the guitar and case…anticipating that I might sell it. At some point, I grew sad that an instrument built to be played…wasn’t. And if I retained ownership, it would never be played. Was this guitar destined to live its entire life in a case? A pickguard destined to remain free of pick marks? A fretboard devoid of human fingertip oil?
I wondered how many songs the instrument had already sacrificed because it got an unlucky draw of being sold to a guy like me.
I felt sad for this guitar. That drove me to take those pictures, thinking it best to help it find a home where it could be put in the hands of a player rather than a dreamer.
But I just couldn’t think of it being a goer. Since 2007 it had been a keeper. A few songs. Two players. An old man – my age (Stanley James Elmore was only 56 when he passed — April 11, 1957 – May 12, 2013). A young lady, Sophie Smith Elliott. Still very much alive and now a wife and mom.
This guitar may not be a muse. And it may not be reliable in the least, not in my hands. But it has a priceless value for me. Value it wouldn’t have with anybody else. Are memories a muse? If so, then this instrument fits the bill.
Then I modified my earlier statements…
Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas.
I added an important muse…one that had been staring at me the whole time. Memories. And I changed the sentence from past tense to present tense. And I made it more personal and specific.
Memories, feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompt me to chase new ideas.
And with apologies to Helen, I modified her quote, too – to more ideally suit my current situation.
“Inspiration may be the windfall from hard work and focus, but muses are sometimes too valuable to part with.”
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Pearl Jam’s 1996 song, Present Tense (from their No Code album), is a fitting theme for today’s show. To live in the present tense. But first, as I am wont to do, let me give you the impetus for today’s show.
I’m watching some house hunting kind of show on HGTV, the kind I normally don’t watch – I much prefer the renovation shows. A couple is going through a few houses and in each house one or both exclaim how they could see themselves doing this or that in the space. Says the husband about a basement, “I could see myself enjoying watching games on a big TV down here.” Says the wife of the bathroom, “I could see myself relaxing in that soaker tub.”
Watch any episode of any such show and I guarantee you’ll hear people say similar things. People put themselves into these homes as though they already own them. It’s exactly what sellers and realtors want people to do. Imagine.
It’s a uniquely human capacity – to project ourselves into a future that hasn’t yet happened.
My longtime fascination with how our minds work – or sometimes fail to work – kicked in. Since my books are mostly gone now and the few physical books I kept are boxed up, I looked through my Kindle library – all 718 titles. One problem I’ve discovered through the years – a problem with neuroscience (the study of the structure or function of the nervous system and brain) – is there are plenty of charlatans in the arena. It’s why I’m so firmly opposed to notions about “the secret,” manifestation, and other “be supernatural” admonitions. For starters, they all elevate humans to god-like status urging us to take command of the universe around us, something no human can do. Disguised as accepting individual responsibility they go way beyond that to fool people into thinking humans have a capacity to do the impossible – to merely think something into existence. Only God, the Creator, has that ability.
Years ago I had to learn that the hard way by devoting hours of reading and study to flush out the garage. Sadly, some of the most successful writers are making bank on the desperate people looking for answers that I believe reside in godly faith.
I dive into the Kindle library to re-read some things and get the hamsters on the wheels in my brain running slightly faster. Mostly, I’m running with this thought expressed by a couple looking at houses. “I can see myself” doing this or that. Something they’ve not yet done, at least not in any of these spaces that sparked their imaginations.
Inserting ourselves into unknown circumstances, situations or places. We do it every time we plan a vacation to a place we’ve never been before. We do when we look at a new place to live. We do it when we fall in love. We do it when we go car shopping. We imagine. It’s more than imaging though – it’s envisioning ourselves as already being in that situation. The more we think about it the more clearly we see ourselves in that situation. The more real it feels and if we want it badly enough…the more we see ourselves there – in a future we want.
That doesn’t mean it will become reality, but there seems to be physical evidence that the way our body responds to our envisioning is very similar to the way our body responds when it does become real. It raises the question, “Does our body know the difference between something we imagine and something we actually experience?” It can feel or seem very real because, in our minds, it is. And our body responds accordingly – as though it has already happened.
The couple admiring the house has put themselves in that house mentally. I’d predict that the house that consumes their imagination the most is the house they’ll buy. It became the most real in their imaginations so they marshaled their resources to make it a reality. That feeling they had while first looking at will be replicated when they buy it and move in. It won’t likely last because these things give way to new aspirations, dreams, and desires.
Rather than thinking about the future, I started thinking about the present.
Going through a lot of old business notes, papers, and presentations – during my purging – I had come across a number of presentations about “being present.” Fanatism with customer service drove me to teach, train and impress on people the power of being present with prospects, customers, and clients. Being present is impossible if you’re not focused on the present moment. That person directly in front of you is invisible if you’re mind is elsewhere.
That’s when I wrote down the phrase that serves as the title of today’s episode, Looking Forward Toward The Present.
I started thinking about all the signs of my own distractions. I thought of all the folks I see distracted.
The power of personal computing in the form of our iPhones is the culprit for many of us. “I’m in the moment,” he says, as he scrolls, types, views, and posts. But I’m not sure that’s true. Isn’t he more in the past – looking to see how many affirmations he may have received in the form of likes, or comments? Isn’t he more in the future – posting something he hopes will gain more attention than what he posted half an hour ago? How present is he?
It was about this time that I created this graphic. I had seen that sentence somewhere, and it made its way into my notebook because it accurately depicts the behavior of too many people.
Being present is growing increasingly harder due to electronic distractions, dissatisfaction, and fixating on the past or the future. All the multi-tasking isn’t helping.
All the cultural observations aside, I was focused on my ability – our ability – to look forward to the present for the purpose of being more present. In the present!
Many years ago I read a book entitled Time Wars: The Primary Conflict in Human History by Jeremy Rifkin. Rifkin observes a distinction between analog watches and digital watches. The analog watch has an hour hand, a minute hand, and a second hand while the digital watch has a constant display flashing the current time only. The analog watch provides us with a visual image of the past – we can see what time it used to be – and the future – we can look ahead and see what time is coming. Digital watches don’t provide that perspective. I read this shortly after I bought the book in 1987, 35 years ago. It remains with me today because I thought it was such a terrific, simple illustration. The present matters, but so does the past. And the future…well, the future is very important. That’s where our dreams, ambitions, and plans are.
In 1987 we were about a decade away from the Internet being pervasive. Ditto for cell phones.
Now, in 2022 the world looks nothing like it did when Rifkin wrote and published that book. Our views of time continue to evolve. The irony is that in this digital age, the age of a constant display of the present time, being present seems harder than ever. We’re faced with all the digital displays constantly flashing PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT yet we’re struggling to be present.
Go anywhere there are lots of people. Sit down. Keep your phone put away. Keep your head up and just watch. Observe.
“Sure people are present. They’re just watching their phone or checking it for something.”
Being present means we’re focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent. Are we present or are we mentally absent diving into a digital world where it’s growing increasingly difficult for some to distinguish between that world and their actual physical world?
“People are doing what they want. If they want to be on their phone doing something, it’s great that they’re able to do that.”
The reasoning that our ability to do what we want is always good for us…well, that’s not true. Never has been. Just look around at our bad behavior and habits. We often crave things that damage or destroy us.
Being in the moment is powerful for everybody involved. You hear it when people comment about the great quality somebody has to “make you feel like you’re the only person in the room.”
Redemption. We all need it, especially those of us who don’t think we need it.
Dawes is one of my favorite bands. This year they released a new record which includes this tune, Everything Is Permanent. I’m not sure what the song is about, but it popped into my mind as I was thinking about today’s show. Everything is permanent in the sense that we’re each fully responsible for how we live. It doesn’t mean we can’t repent and repair things, but it does mean we’re without any excuses to behave poorly. The ripples of our bad choices and bad behavior continue, just like the ripples of our good choices and good behavior. Permanency doesn’t restrict our ability to fix things. Sometimes looking forward to the present is doing our part to redeem ourselves.
I know it’s a hodgepodge of ideas, but time is a complicated thing. Our place in time is even more complex. So let’s try to narrow things down a bit because we could chase a variety of thoughts and many of them would be worthwhile. As your guide today, I really want to achieve one thing for myself and for you – to help us anticipate being more present right now and to build on that every day moving forward. To find a way to be in the moment so we don’t procrastinate to do what matters most.
In a word, let’s focus on NOW.
Let’s get one idea out of the way. Practicality. It’s the elephant in the room against behaving with wisdom every single day. I’m not going to argue against it. It IS impractical. Maybe it’s even unreasonable to assume we could behave like this. To hug as though it were our last. To kiss as though it were our last. But since we’re exercising our imaginations as we look forward to the present – what if we embraced it even though it’s impractical and unreasonable? What if we decided that our present – our NOW – would be guided, not by what’s reasonable and practical, but by something more valuable? What if we suspended reasonableness and practicality? What would that look like? How would that feel?
Some time ago Rhonda and I started thinking more soberly about the next chapter of our life together. I’m not sure exactly when it began, but we started looking forward to our present. It didn’t feel like our present though. It felt like our future. Then one night – maybe it was over a few nights, I can’t be sure – I started realizing that day after day I was not being nearly as intentional as I had hoped. A vitamin container was the reminder and I realized I had thought of this for years and years. Every single day when I take my morning vitamin. Especially when I take Saturday morning’s vitamin and have to reload the whole thing. I think, “Another week gone.” More specifically, I think, “another week gone and what have I done?”
It’s the ever-present reminder that I’m neglecting unreasonableness and impracticality. I think to myself, “You’re not being as weird as you should be.”
Robert (Bob) Sutton is a Stanford Professor, organizational researcher, and best-selling author. He’s one of my favorites. In 2002 he wrote a book, Weird Ideas That Work. It’s about having a creative workplace. Sutton was speaking somewhere and I went to hear him. Afterward, I ran into him in a walkway and told him how much I enjoyed his work, and I handed him a business card I was using at the time. It was simple, but a weird card with my name, one website address, and a picture of Curly from The Three Stooges on it. He chuckled, thanked me, and said, “Stay weird.” I replied, “I’m trying.”
Many days I’m not trying hard enough. And I’m not talking about weird as in strange or goofy. I mean weird as in not surrendering to practicality or reason when it comes to the things that really matter. Rhonda gets the space in my brain about such things.
People say couples should have a date night. Rhonda and I never have had. In my ideal present, our relationship doesn’t get just one date night. It gets more. Then the practical me kicks into gear convincing me that if every night were date night then no night would be special. That’s weird and not in a good way.
So I rewind and begin to think about how I might define “date night.” Most couples define it as going out to eat, then taking in some form of entertainment. That’s practical. And reasonable. What if I don’t want to define it like that? What if date night had nothing to do with spending money? Or leaving the house? At least, not every single time? How might variety be the rule instead of the exception? What would that look like?
I don’t know ’cause I’ve never done it. That’s the point of this episode. To think about such things – to look forward to the present we most want, or the present we know might be most helpful.
I rewound my motivations and thought back to when Rhonda and I were first dating. I concluded there’s one big – ENORMOUS – difference between then and now. Then, I imposed. It didn’t seem like an imposition though. It was leading and surprising. I was driven to dazzle her. More so than I’ve been in recent years. To my shame.
I have no excuse for surrendering to the notion that I’m bothering her. I used to never think about bothering her. In fact, that was kinda the point – to bother her with pleasant surprises. No amount of head trash stopped me. The fact is, there was no head trash about it. I just did it. Until I slowed down or stopped.
Looking forward to the present gave way to the digital phenomenon of Now, Now, Now! And Now, Now, Now just repeated itself over and over like the movie Groundhog Day. Except unlike Phil was eventually learned to invest in each day to get better, I wasn’t making that investment. I was mostly just doing time.
“You can’t live your whole life like you do when you’re dating,” is a common refrain of practicality. But I began to wonder, “Why not?”
It was 47 ago when I first dated Rhonda. What would dating look like 47 years later – with the same couple, now married for almost 45 of those years?
So I started to think about that and imagine what it could look like. Looking forward to the present. By being bold enough to ask and answer the hard questions.
When we first dated we lived hours and hours apart so we only saw each other sparingly. What would dating look like if you didn’t live miles apart?
We weren’t married when we began dating (obviously). What would married dating look like?
What would dating somebody you’d lived with for almost 45 years look and feel like?
I’m liable to disappoint you with my answers. Being the dreamer I often am, I concluded this answer, “Whatever you’d like it to look and feel like.”
Slowly, I started to recognize my feelings of impositions as the surrender they really were. I mean, who am I? This is a very strong woman, my wife. She’s certainly brave enough, pointed enough and plain enough of speech to express displeasure or whatever else she’d like. She’s compliant, but not a person to be easily put upon. I concluded I’d been selling her short probably due to my own fears of having my ideas or creativity rejected. “What if she doesn’t like it? What if she’d rather not?” On and on when the head trash of ideas, all appearing as though I’d be imposing some unwanted things on her.
I backed my ears after months of misery and mental wrangling and decided I was going to be strong enough to withstand rejection. After all, how else are we going to improve ideas? How else might weirdness become the creativity that changes everything for the better? Besides, if a man is unwilling to risk rejection from a woman he’s been married to for nearly half a century, then what kind of a man is he? 😉
My unwillingness to give it a go wasn’t going to do anything to move anything in any positive direction. Rather, it was only going to serve to waste time. The present.
It proves a few points. One, no matter our age or the length of a relationship, fear still persists. Two, bravery is always needed if we’re going to find a way forward. Three, without a risk of failure there can be no success. Four, if looking forward to the present involves a person you care about, then stop wasting time. Give it a go!
Part of using our imagination is to think about – to dream about – what it might be like versus what it currently is.
Maybe it’s dissatisfaction with the present. Maybe it’s wondering how it might be better. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
Looking forward speaks of the anticipated improvement. We look forward to something that excites us. Something we most want to happen. Something for which we’re happily anticipating. I was looking forward to the present in my marriage, a lifelong habit I’ve had driven by my introspection on how I might be able to step up my game as a husband. And as a father. Now, as a grandfather. But it always starts with who I am to Rhonda.
When things go sideways – as they too often do (and have) – is when I don’t start with that. Whenever I start with who she is, I lose my way. It’s one of those ying-yang things. It’s far more selfish when I start with her and think she ought to do this or that. Whenever my expectations begin with her, not me – it’s selfish. But whenever I assume the responsibility for the outcome – all of it – then my focus goes on judging myself, not her. I become less selfish when I focus on what I should do – or what I could do – to make things better!
What I’ve learned is that if I want my present to be better – if I truly want to look forward to the present – then I must behave more urgently. I need to consider the magnitude of the moment. This moment. This very second.
For me, the biggest component is bravery. Courage.
Taking action at this moment fails every single time I refuse to step into the face of risk. I convince myself not to do it – for a million different reasons, none worthwhile. They’re all just excuses.
Courage is hard. Cowardice is easy.
Do it now. That’s hard. Talking yourself out of it. That’s easy.
Success is in that area where fewer are willing to travel. Failure is super easy, which is why we mostly experience it. Failure isn’t the same as giving it a go, only to discover “well, that didn’t work out as I hoped.” That’s learning. Failure is refusing to give it a go for fear it won’t work out. It teaches us nothing. It just reinforces our cowardice. And our habit of failure.
A quote leaps to mind: “Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
Better to give it a go and learn than to sit back convinced it’s not worth trying. Learning is always worthwhile.
What would life be like if I devoted myself to wooing my wife daily? What would life be like if I dedicated myself more fully to being a man after God’s own heart? What could life be like if I gave myself to looking forward to the present?
I don’t know, but it’s time I find out.
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My first recall of such a thing was likely from watching stories about war. Combat was a popular TV show when I was a kid. It was a show about World War II and aired from 1962 to 1967.
Men would be injured in combat and their buddies would tell them, “Don’t worry. We’re not leaving you behind.” The U.S. Marines have been known for never leaving anybody behind, even fallen comrades. Vic Morrow, as the sergeant in Combat! was awesome as Sergeant Chip Saunders. In 1982 Morrow and two children were tragically and gruesomely killed when a helicopter crashed on top of them during the filming of The Twilight Zone. They were on the ground acting out an escape from Viet Nam. When I heard the news I remembered all the times I was glued to the TV watching Combat!
In 1966 I was nine. I bought my first record – at least the first one I can remember. It was by a Green Beret sergeant, Barry Sadler.
Known for never leaving a man behind, I was fascinated with the Green Berets, likely because the news of Viet Nam was always talking about them. They were among the first Americans engaged in that “conflict.” When you’re a kid and your country is embroiled in a war it’s bound to have an impact. I wasn’t attracted to the guns, the violence, the injuries, or the death. I was attracted to guys working together, heroism, and having such a single-minded focus. The camaraderie fascinated me because as a little kid, I’d never experienced that. Yet. I was in 5th grade when I played on my first sports team, tackle football.
I had never been in a spot where I had to leave a friend behind. On the playground, I didn’t leave a friend behind if I got selected to form one of the teams. That’s as close as I’d ever come to having to decide if I’d leave a friend behind.
When I read this little story – I think I first saw it on some pet website about dogs because I’m on the board of the Westie Foundation of America…and I love dogs.
A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble…
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked
like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’
‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.
‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
‘Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. ‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his
dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book….
‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’
‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’
‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
‘There should be a bowl by the pump,’ said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.
‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.
‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said.
‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’
‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope, that’s hell.’
‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’
‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’
Never mind the theological problems of dogs going to heaven or being fooled not knowing where real hell and heaven are. The emphasis of the story wasn’t lost on me – do I want to take my best friends to heaven with me? Better yet, who would dare leave their best friends behind as they journey toward heaven?
I remember seeing a story about a picture entitled, The First Day of Heaven. It was an image that made me stop and think of what that first day might actually be like. Too bad it turned out to be a painting that was taken from a photograph of a women’s rugby team celebration. It’s a shame an image with that title was stolen. 😉
Today is Thanksgiving here in America, November 24, 2022.
It seems fitting to consider our responsibility to others. All those years perched in front of a black and white TV watching the characters on Combat! grow closer together. Mission after mission Doc, Little John, Caje, Kirby, and the others. They were like a family, always looking out for one another. Over time I’d learn firsthand the power of a group coming together as a team. Supporting and protecting each other.
I wish it had been different growing up. Oh, I was happy to watch this phenomenon on TV. Or to read about it in books. But I didn’t see it firsthand really until I started coaching hockey.
Professionally, I spent years working to bring people together. Forging a purpose worth straining for, I had attempted all my adult life to get people to pull together. Mostly, I had succeeded, but not 100%. My ideal outcome was always to get everybody on board – to leave nobody behind. But there were always a few who just wouldn’t cooperate. Contrarians who would buck anything I attempted to do because they didn’t want to improve or grow. They just wanted to show up to work day after day and do as little as possible. But they almost always wound up doing more than that – sabotaging the effort and I spent a lot of time negating their efforts until I could get rid of them. It’s hard work – the work of leaving nobody behind.
Since it’s Thanksgiving Today let’s start with that – gratitude – because it’s the antidote for selfishness. It’s the remedy for so much more, too.
Refusing to leave a friend behind speaks to our selfishness. More specifically, it speaks to our ability to manage it.
Do you work at managing your self-centeredness?
How?
For me, it begins with self-awareness. I’m extraordinarily tough on myself. That doesn’t mean I always see things accurately. Nor does it mean I’m always mindful of others. But I do feel fairly capable of catching myself whenever I tend to misbehave. Constantly looking in the mirror when you’re looking for flaws shows increasingly more flaws. 😉
Our strengths become our weaknesses. I’ve never found an exception. I know it’s true in my own life.
I’m a guy who tends to take the blame for things. It’s easy. A default behavior.
Something happens and my immediate thought is, “What did I do to contribute to this?” And I don’t mean when things go well. I mean when they don’t.
Simultaneously I never think of being victimized. It never crosses my mind that I’m a victim of anything other than my own idiocy or foolishness. That’s a good thing. A strength. But it creates one of my many weaknesses to be hard on myself.
My own personal answer was to craft what I dubbed my business philosophy – which is really more of a life philosophy.
For me, it’s about reading situations and people. It’s a heightened sense of noticing that just happens. And that noticing drives my actions unless I’m too in my head and myself that I grow complacent. That’s when my thankfulness wanes and I lean too far into my circumstances.
It’s been said that it’s hard to be great without being grateful. I choose to believe that’s true even though I’m sure there are exceptions. Some great athletes, for example, have proven to be miserable human beings. But for mere mortals like us, folks who don’t have some exceptional athletic prowess – well, speaking only for myself, I lack exceptional prowess in anything so gratitude should be way easier for me, huh? 😉
The list of things for which I’m thankful is long. Exhaustingly long. Spectacularly long.
Back on the last day of August, I posted this inside our private Facebook group.
It was first shared on social media back in February 2019. It had a viral moment. At the time I shared it here inside our little group because it just seemed so perfect.
All the kids touched me, but that kid in the back in a lime green shirt really got me the day I first saw it. His smirk so reminded me of grandson number 3 – and my son, number 3’s dad.
When the photo first appeared I immediately went looking for some evidence to prove it wasn’t contrived or photoshopped. How sad is it that I’m THAT cynical and skeptical these
Nobody ever stepped forward claiming credit for having taken the picture. Bollywood actor Boman Irani shared the picture on his Instagram handle saying, ‘You’re only as happy as you choose to be. A saying that holds true for one and all!! And I’m sure this selfie deserves more likes than most.I love everything about it. The little girl holding hands with the little boy in the orange tank top. The shoe seems to belong to the little boy in the striped shirt, providing the prop – the make-believe smartphone. The Mickey Mouse lime green shirt, representing “the happiest place on earth,” Disneyworld. The dirt on their clothes. The impoverished surroundings. Their glowing faces, embracing happy imaginations only children can enjoy. Kids, who at least at this moment, are able to smile no matter what. The kid taking the imaginary selfie performing the feat with such confidence and prowess as though he’s done it a thousand times before.
It crushes me every time I see it. Today, it popped up in my memories, forcing me to my knees to pray for these and all little children who grow up walking barefooted on dirt floors while I lament the problems I endure in my grand life. And I feel deeply ashamed.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope all is well, and if it isn’t, I hope you’re able to overcome or endure whatever challenges you face today. I’m thankful for you giving me your time and attention. I’m thankful some of you make Leaning Toward Wisdom part of your life.
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Romans 12:2 “And be not fashioned according to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
Mind transformation isn’t just a religious thing, it’s a human thing because God created us in His image.
Genesis 1:27 “And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”
The fascinating thing about this is not that we’re god-like because we’re not. But we are. We’re created in the image of God and I don’t fully understand everything that means, but I can grasp major chunks of what it means. For starters, the entire Creation event shows us the power of God to think in advance. To first see it in our mind. God created the Universe and the Earth by thinking it into existence. We don’t have God’s power so we’re unable to do that physically, but because we’re in His image we can pre-think something before it becomes reality.
In January 2017 The New Yorker published a story entitled, “The Voices In Our Head: Why do people talk to themselves and when does it become a problem?”
The author of the piece mentions literally talking to ourselves. Something some of us do. Others don’t. And neither one makes us any saner than the rest. It’s an interesting article even if it is a bit off-track from how we’re going to discuss the inner voices that each of us do encounter every day.
John Sebastian wrote a song back in 1974, Stories We Could Tell. The opening lines include:
Talkin’ to myself again
and wondrin’ if this travelling is good
Is there somethin’ else a-doin’
We’d be doin’ if we could
Whether your talk to yourself verbally – out loud – or whether you’re talking to yourself silently in your own head…you ARE talking to yourself. Some of us are more verbose in our talking to ourselves than others. Just like we are out loud maybe. 😉
So the issue isn’t whether or not we’re talking to ourselves…but rather the question is, “What are we saying?” And why?
By introducing mind transformation hopefully, you’ll consider – if you’re not already convinced – that barring some challenge (mental illness, PTSD, or some other issue that requires professional assistance) you’re in control of yourself, and equally important, your thoughts belong to you. That means mind transformation is possible. But what is it?
Simply put, it means you can control what you think about. You can control how you think about something. You can control what you focus on and what you ignore. You’re responsible for your own life, first by being responsible for your own thoughts.
Rhonda and I are in the car talking about the choices people make – the foolish choices. Somebody’s infidelity in their marriage was the prompting topic. We discussed how such poor choices happen. I remarked, “They (the unfaithful spouse) think about it, decide they want it, and then act on it. I guess, to them, at least in the moment, it seems like a good idea. Kinda like a person who steals or robs finds themself needing money and immediately they start thinking of who or how they rob somebody. Most of us don’t immediately go to those thoughts. Instead, we likely think of what we might be able to sell, or how we might be able to find a job – or a better paying job.”
“If it is to be, it’s up to me.”
I’ve heard that phrase as long as I can remember. It’s intended, in part, to be empowering. To help encourage us to be proactive. But more deeply it signifies that we have the ability and opportunity to pre-think our lives. We can see our future before it happens. Mentally, we can make it whatever we want. That doesn’t mean it will happen as we think. It doesn’t mean we can think it into existence. Only God can do that, but we are able – as creatures in His image – able to think ahead of time and behave with intentions based on how we’re thinking.
Animals behave with instincts. They act and react based on those instincts. To eat. To rest. To reproduce.
Humans have a capacity to insert ourselves – mentally – into situations we’ve never before encountered. We can run scenarios in our heads and think about possible outcomes. We can THINK. And our thinking determines our actions and behavior.
People love to quote the first part of Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:” – but the verse goes on to say “Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.”
The real meaning of the verse is that the way the man thinks is really who he is. He says, “Come on eat and drink” but he really doesn’t want you to. He’s a hypocrite.
So it’s absolutely true that if we want to be better humans then we must have better thoughts. Life is largely an exercise of our minds. The stories we tell ourselves are very important. They include the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. And the stories we tell ourselves about others.
Others
I’m going to start with others because through the years of reading and studying human behavior I’ve come to understand that what we tell ourselves does have an external component. Namely, we largely learn how to tell ourselves our own story. And part of that learning comes from others and the things that happen to us. External stuff.
I was in 5th grade. I was also a good student, which meant I made good grades. 😉
He was in my class, but he was constantly in trouble. A class clown who worked overly hard to be funny. Sometimes he succeeded. Many times, he did not.
I can’t be sure, but I think I overheard two teachers talking about how he had been a bad student since the second grade. I remember wondering if he was really a bad student – based on the results he clearly was – or if he was just meeting the expectations they had for him. They had him pegged as one thing and it seemed almost too obvious to me that he was writing the story they had helped craft about him. But what did I know? I was only 11.
Some years later I’d read stories about this very thing though. Particularly in education. A kid doesn’t do very well in a class or during one year of school…and from that point forward, she struggles to escape the gravitational pull of her reputation among faculty. I’d watch and listen to the interactions between teachers and these kids and I’d cringe, thinking how I’d just want to climb under a rock if I was the aim of the teacher’s anger or frustration. Don’t get me wrong. I knew these kids were disruptive and often rebellious. Some were troublemakers extraordinaire. Others were just cleverly mischievous. I never got in trouble in class. Getting in trouble wouldn’t have crossed my mind.
It may have been my first sober thoughts about the stories others tell about us and how we’re able to do the same. We think things about people. Maybe, like my classmates, they’re based on poor behavior. Maybe they’re not based on much of anything. Maybe they’re based on the past, not the present. I’ve lived long enough to know how sometimes I can get it wrong. Things aren’t always what they seem. And people aren’t always what we think.
The 2-way street is in full effect. The stories we tell ourselves about others. The stories we know others are telling themselves about us.
“Don’t listen to what others say. Forget what other people think.”
We all do. To what degree is largely individual. I chuckle at the person who constantly declares how they don’t care what anybody thinks or says. Translation: I’m completely obsessed and fixated on what everybody is saying about me! 😀
I’ve already shown you that I do care what others think because I wanted to please teachers. I don’t want to create enemies. Not intentionally anyway. And I don’t want anybody to think ill of me. Influence and impact are always at the forefront of my mind. I care about the stories people tell themselves – and others – about me.
To the point that I’m paralyzed to do anything? No.
The point that it determines what I’m going to do…or what I’m going to feel or think? No. Never.
But to the point where I consider it…absolutely. Which means I think about it. Sometimes a lot. Other times, not much at all. It depends.
I’m extraordinarily self-reflective. One of my many curses is that I own it, even when it’s not mine to own. It’s the proverbial empathy meter that I’d peg if such a meter existed. Putting myself in the other person’s shoes is easy and natural. I don’t work at it. It just happens. So rather than feeling victimized if somebody treats me poorly, I’m too busy trying to figure out what’s going on with them to cause it. Playing the part of a victim just has never entered my mind as a choice I should consider. Instead, I internalize and can sometimes consume myself with negativity trying to accept responsibility for everything. Sometimes it morphs into blaming myself, too.
I bring that up not to overly share, but to wonder out loud about people who choose to think others are victimizing them. I choose to think of how others can help me correct some misconceptions. How I can engage in questions of somebody and discover more accurately what’s going on with them – rather than just assuming I know. Curiosity has always been my friend.
For the past 6 years or so I’ve worked more diligently at surrounding myself with people who can help me. It’s always been my habit, but I’ve tried to become more intentional about it whereas in the past I was pretty much fully intuitive about it. People make a big difference for us, but the biggest positive differences are made by only the safest, best people for us.
Habitual behavior is repeated. Ditto for our thinking. This is why we have to harness greater control over how we think about others and how we allow the way others think about us to impact us. If those folks who hate us can impact us, then it stands to reason if we surround ourselves with more people who believe in us…we can be positively impacted.
So where are you going to spend your time?
Fretting about the folks who don’t like you? Maybe even hate you?
Or being more purposeful in engaging with the people who encourage you and help you?
We need to pick one and let the other one go because we learn from each other. We tend to reflect one another, too – so we should consider that when we form our circle of friends. 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.” We’re deceived when we think others won’t influence us or impact us. “They won’t rub off on me,” are the famous last words of many foolish people.
The stories others may create and tell about us aren’t rumors, gossip, or bad-mouthing that frequent many conversations. It’s how others view us, what story they’re telling themselves about who we are, or who they think we are.
These stories are both important and meaningless. Important because we care about our influence – so we want to have a positive impact as much as possible. If you want to have influence you can’t just live for yourself declaring that you don’t care what anybody thinks. Meaningless in the sense that we can’t let others dictate our story because we’re each our own head writer. That’s not to say nobody else is involved because I’ve got a co-author named Rhonda. But she’s not the head writer of my story, I am. Besides, she’s busy being the head writer of her own story, while I’m co-authoring that story. We care about each other, but not enough to acquiesce our lives to each other – because it’s not even possible. We’re responsible for our own lives and we bear responsibility for how we influence each other, too!
Ourselves
The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves create the story we write – the story the rest of the world sees. Self-talk. Head trash. There are plenty of phrases we use that illustrate how powerful we know the words in our heads are because they provide us with belief.
Robert Duvall plays Hub in the movie Second Hand Lions. It’s the story of 14-year-old Walter, who is sent to spend the summer with his great uncles, a couple of old bachelors – Garth (played by Michael Cane) and Hub (played by Robert Duvall). There’s a poignant line by Hub.
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love… true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.
A man should believe those things because those are the things worth believing in.
There’s the rub, figuring out the things worth believing in – because that will determine our story.
That explains why I try to lean into optimism. It’s a choice. Some part of it is my default, natural wiring. I think things will be better. I instinctively try to figure out how to help make things better.
Maybe with every force or inclination, there’s a counterforce or inclination because I also naturally tend to think of all the things that can go wrong. Trapped between these two pulls – optimism and hope versus “well, this won’t work at all.” It gives me a choice. You’ve got your own choices. We all do.
Life is about choices.
Our choices determine our destiny – our story. Specifically, the choices we make in what to believe because our beliefs drive our behavior. What we think matters.
When Walter first arrives at the grand uncle’s rundown farm in Texas he asks if he can go inside the house to watch TV. “Ain’t got no TV,” they tell him. Turns out they ain’t got much that would interest a teenage boy. Hub tells Walter, “If you need somethin’, you’d best find it yourself, or even better, learn to do without.” 😉 We’re busy trying to find it, but Leaning Toward Wisdom is a collective effort toward individual outcomes. Your life, your choices, your story. My life, my choices, my story.
I learned I should believe in optimism when it dawned on me that my time spent thinking belonged to me. Whenever those “what could go wrong” thoughts rose to the forefront of my mind, it felt awful. Depressing. Sometimes in my life, it would drive my feelings of despair. Finally, I realized if I chose different thoughts – thoughts of optimism, it was much better no matter how things turned out.
Like you, I learned about self-fulfilling prophecies in college. It seemed to me that what I was thinking couldn’t possibly determine the outcome of everything – maybe it couldn’t determine the outcome of anything beyond my control – but it could most certainly determine my choices, decisions, and behavior. And those most certainly would contribute to my outcome. Leaning toward wisdom compelled me to choose what I thought and opt for thinking of the ideal outcome, not the worst!
I’m hardly proficient at the art of optimism, but I’m practicing. After all this time, you’d think I’d have it down by now, but it shows you how hard it is to control our thoughts. Especially when it’s much easier to think or assume the worst. Convincing ourselves of how things might go south is way easier than convincing ourselves how things might work out perfectly just the way we want. In our minds, pessimism seems more likely. Did you ever ask yourself why? Why does failure seem more likely?
Because we can easily remember our failures. They scare us. Mar us. Even small ones.
And we can easily forget our successes. Especially all the small ones. We’re forgetful. Neglectful of the gratitude we should have for the successes. We ought to examine our definition of success, too. Rather than some grand plan coming to fruition, it can be as simple as being able to breathe. Another day of life. More chances to figure things out and get better. More opportunities to be a good influence on others. Enough food to eat. Enough water to drink. Enough clothing to wear. Enough shelter to protect ourselves from the weather. Simple things. Staples of life. All the things we take for granted while we languish over something that seems to matter more, but doesn’t.
Another choice. To be thankful and express our gratitude. Or to focus on our lack, our want, and lament that life isn’t what we hoped. We can choose what we’ll believe. And what we’ll believe in. It determines the story we’ll write.
Things aren’t cut and dried. Rarely are things so binary as to be one thing. We can’t merely think our way toward improvement. Besides, sometimes taking action changes our thoughts and beliefs, not the other way around.
During my years of leading retail companies, superior customer service was the priority. Folks who answered the phones were coached to smile before answering the phones. Callers couldn’t see them, but you can hear a smile in somebody’s voice. It was a fundamental principle of acting the way you want to be so you can become that way. By smiling, people behaved more friendly on the phone. They were more pleasant. It was a simple action we could easily coach and one they could easily practice.
We could have told them to change how they think about customers. Don’t think of them as intrusions, think of them as opportunities. That was certainly preached, but it was just one component of the strategy to deliver excellent customer service. Smiling was a simple behavior people could choose to do before answering the phones.
Weight loss is a multi-billion dollar business. Millions struggle with it. It’s difficult. Desirable but difficult.
Changing beliefs and thinking may not be the path forward to everybody. Some people might benefit from diving headlong into changing their behavior. What if I’m 50 pounds overweight and I don’t fret too much about my thinking or belief? What if I just start behaving the way thinner, more fit people behave? What if I start eating better and exercising more? Over time, my beliefs and thinking are likely to change if I continue the change in my behavior.
So while we’re focused today on the story we tell ourselves, part of that story is how we behave. We’ll be judged on what we do! By God. By others. So what we do matters!
It may be that there are changes in your behavior as simple as smiling that may positively influence your thoughts and beliefs.
Some may think it’s a sappy story, but I loved the movie, Secondhand Lions.
I’d been working on today’s show for weeks when I thought about Hub’s line in the movie. I searched for it on a streaming service and watched it again. It came out in 2003 and I couldn’t remember when I had last seen it, but as I watched it again it reinforced the things I’d been crafting to create this episode. Walter, the little boy, was taught by his two old granduncles what to believe and what to believe in. Even at 14, he had the power to choose for himself. So he did. He took actions that were congruent with those beliefs. We all do.
For Walter, it changed everything. Just as it had for his uncles, Hub and Garth. It changed who he was. It changed how he lived.
It changed the story he wrote.
Watching and listening to old men helped.
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Ebb DawsonEbb Dawson, that deep-thinking philosopher character on the old TV series, Green Acres, is the person who uttered today's profound title.I've loved that line since I first heard it. I have no idea how long ago that was. I was a kid who watched The Andy Griffith Show, Green Acres, F Troop, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, and McHale's Navy.An online article entitled - 6 Signs You Can't Afford Your Lifestyle - prompted me to think about what Ebb said. Let's see if we agree with the list of signs you can't afford your lifestyle...because you're losing (blowing) all your money.Please tell a friend about the podcast!• Join our private Facebook group• Email me
I ran across an older online article entitled, "The value of owning more books than you can read." Well, that grabbed my attention. So I clicked and began reading, realizing I'd heard some of these ideas before in The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.
Having just rid myself of over 1,500 books, it's a worthwhile conversation I think - to consider if we value books and how. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
My beloved OU Sooner football team has experienced a season of challenge that we hope morphs into major growth and improvement. Coach Brent Venables is such a terrific personality and he seems like a good human. He's a man who has experienced serious adversity from his childhood through his adult years. We can focus on a multi-million dollar college football coach, but he's not defined by his income any more than I am. He's worth the money as a football coach at a major university. As a man, how he lives determines his value and worth. Same for us.
Yesterday, I saw this article about the team entitled, With destiny out of Oklahoma's control, winning the next game is all that matters. I guarantee Brent Venables isn’t telling his players, “ok guys, we just need to win two more games to make it to a bowl game.” He’s not saying that. He’s not wired that way. He wants to win football games, and there are five more to go.
In the words of the late Al Davis, “Just win, baby.” That’s all the Sooners can do. Win some football games and let the chips fall where they may. All this is the result of 3 disappointing losses, particularly the blowout 49-0 loss against rival Texas. Those failures took away the Sooners' opportunity to control their own destiny toward a major bowl or playoff run. But it didn't rob the Sooners of controlling their own destiny from here on out.
Our challenges are sometimes major impasses. They knock us down and drag us out. Sometimes they knock us out. The Sooners coach isn't a man willing to lay down and whimper. He's not done that in his personal tragedies and he's not about to do it now as a first-time head coach. He's got decades of experience, knows what he's doing and knows he has to prepare his team to push through this adversity so they can grow. Those willing will benefit. Those unwilling will be gone. Either by their own choice, or his.
This isn't really about college football or OU. It's not really about a football coach. It's about us. You and me.
It's about our life and our challenges. It's about how we're going to stand up against our opponents and impasses. How will we respond? Will we wither? Will we increase our resolve to fight? What will we do when trouble comes?
I've talked candidly - and I'll talk even more candidly today - about being in this 4-year struggle. It's been such a long, arduous fight I've reached a point where all I know to do is what the OU Sooners football team must do... Worry about what's in front of me!
I shared these graphics on social media yesterday. Both of them spoke to me, more so now than maybe at any other time in my life.
Let's take them in reverse order. "Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, live happily and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things." - Kahlil Gibran Gibran is best known as the author of The Prophet, which was first published in the United States in 1923. He was a Lebanese poet, writer, and philosopher who died in 1931. I don't profess to know much about him, but my recollection was that in the 1970s there were college students who discovered him. I'm supposing some college philosophy professors helped expose students to his work. But no matter, the man did write some quotable lines including that one I made into a social media graphic.
I love quite a lot of things about it.
Keeping quiet - which is going to sound very weird given that I'm a podcaster who hits RECORD maybe more frequently than I should - is VERY appealing. The longer I live the more I understand how intrusive many people are anxious to be in our lives. Not because of us. We'd like to think we're special like that, but it's got nothing to do with us. It's got everything to do with them and what they most want. That doesn't mean they're heartless and uncaring. It just means their priority is usually self-focused. And it's understandable because we're ALL experiencing life through our own eyes.
I see this headline: In U.S., Poor Life Ratings Reach Record High.
That got my attention. For starters, I had no idea what the Poor Life Rating was. Turns out Gallup has an index. That's kinda sorta the business they're in. And we mostly trust the surveys and research Gallup produces.
Sometime earlier I had seen another online article about how Americans felt about the future. Turns out, according to the article, 75% of Americans felt like our best days were behind us.
It sparked an immediate question, "Where are people pinning their hopes? Are people really thinking Joe Biden is going to save them - or destroy them?"
Let's wrestle this down a little bit.
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche It's a lack of a lot of things. And a big shortage of other things. But today we're going to focus on men and husbands.
Most divorces are initiated by wives. Attorneys, psychologists, sociologists and other folks smarter than me attribute much of that to the skill women have to sense danger. It seems logical, especially if children are involved, that a woman craves safety for herself and her children. Other research indicates women divorce because they feel held back in the relationship. Maybe the husband doesn't do enough work in the relationship and the wife grows increasingly discontented. Ironically, many experts that I read claim women generally forgive infidelity, but they continue to forgive emotional neglect or abuse.
I'm not an expert on such things, but I do know that men and women are different, but the same. Men crave respect. Women crave love. Both battle unhappiness, which for some is the sole goal of life while others mostly are content with avoiding unhappiness. Men have one particular problem that I've seen throughout my life. Generally speaking, I've found it to be mostly a uniquely male challenge. Rage.
I know it seems an odd way to start a conversation about strong men who go the second mile, but I'm beginning here because I suspect every man knows it's problematic, or can be. We can move forward toward becoming strong men when we recognize our rage and what form it takes --- then get busy addressing what we're doing to do with it. Strong men figure out how to properly direct and control their rage.
Rage is a typically male problem, not because males exclusively experience it, but because we find it tough to properly direct it. There are some chapters in the Bible, in the book of Romans, that speak specifically to the battle that goes inside each of us - male or female. That is, here's what we want to do, which is often contradictory to what God wants us to do. There are times when we kinda, sorta want to do the right thing, but then we also want to do what pleases us. The battle ensues and the question is, "Where will we direct our rage?"
Will we look in the mirror and direct it toward harnessing ourselves (self-control) or will we direct it outward toward others because we choose to blame them for our struggle?
These ideas are not new. Or novel. And I don't profess to have mastered it all. I don't even profess to properly understand it all, but I do understand it enough to know it can destroy lives and relationships.
Rage isn't only expressed in an outburst of anger. It can be fuming, frustration and silent. Rage's manifestation depends on the personality of the holder. As we look more deeply into strong men who go the extra mile...let me challenge you to think about your rage and work harder to understand it, and direct it in a more purposeful way that serves your marriage instead of destroying it.
Today, I'm going to speak specifically to men and more specifically to married men. But no matter who you are or what role you have in a relationship, I hope you find some value in the conversation because the subject is important - being a strong man. Going the second mile.
First, for those unfamiliar with the Bible permit me to explain what the second mile means and where that expression comes from.
Matthew 5:40-42 (American Standard Version) "And if any man would go to law with thee, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away."
Commentator James Burton Coffman said of this passage... Does anyone live up to this? Certainly, one must agree that the Sermon on the Mount is still the Mount Everest of the Christian religion, namely, the highest peak of all and only rarely scaled.
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” ― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden Season 1, episode 18 of Everybody Loves Raymond was entitled, "Recovering Pessimist." Debra, Ray's wife, urges him to be more positive after he remains sour post winning Sportswriter of the Year. He enters their bedroom with an enormous trophy that accompanied the award and utters the line, "It has to be too good to be true." Reluctantly, Ray tries to change his natural negative outlook, but his family, ever the Negative Nellies, influence him with their usual lackluster enthusiasm for life. Always at the ready to throw cold water on any good news, Ray's parents thrive on constantly putting people down, including each other!
The newspaper where Ray works promote him after the award. He's working hard to become an optimist, but it just doesn't seem to be working until he returns home to the news that his boss wants him to cover the Iditarod in Alaska. A smile breaks out on his face and his wife asks him why he's smiling. "Cause I'm back. I'm a pessimist and I'm back!" ;)
Ray so identifies as a pessimist, he's unhappy being anything else. It's easier for him to automatically think of the worst instead of the best. To give a negative connotation to what could otherwise be a good thing. Raymond is like all those people who enjoy being miserable. “The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.” ― Mark Twain Do you overestimate the likelihood of worst-case scenarios coming true?
Twain's quote is interesting because, for some reason, he focused on a very specific age - 48. I was reading a number of journals dealing with mental health and noticed a focus on people between 18 and 35, based largely on the brain development of the pre-frontal cortex. There's also lots of talk (and writing) about our ancient brains being wired to keep us safe. Many theorists love to think about us being on the constant lookout for wooly mammoths and other pre-historic villains. These same folks think the earth is billions of years old. Never mind that the Bible chronology would date the earth closer to 6,000 years old.
Last time I looked, our modern culture has plenty of dangers - likely as many, if not more, than our fabled pre-historic counterparts. Our "worst-case scenario" thinking prevents us from making foolish choices. Sometimes.
Browse through YouTube and sooner than later you'll encounter some videos (there are entire channels devoted to this) where police behave poorly. In almost every video I've watched, some officers escalated the situation rather than de-escalating it. That's what we do with our "worst-case scenario" thinking. We sometimes escalate it rather than choosing to DE-escalate it. The outcome is never as good as it may have been if only we had chosen to ramp things down - not up.
Why would a police officer amp up a situation? Well, it depends. I've watched a video of officers who pull over a group of motorcyclists who have been racing through traffic, popping wheelies, and creating some extremely dangerous situations. A supervising officer amps things up by going off on the cyclists, lecturing them on the havoc they've caused. He's angry. He likely knows how awful this thing could have turned out if his officers hadn't successfully pulled these guys over. He's making a point and I get it.
On the flip side is another video where officers approach a man minding his own business. If we can believe what we're told about this encounter, the man did nothing to provoke the police, but they're suspicious of him. He provides identification but refuses to allow them to search his vehicle. He recites his rights and his video irks the officer. Repeatedly the officer demands he turn it off, but he continues, repeating his rights. The officer gets angrier and more animated in his movements and language.
Inside The Yellow Studio 2.0
I've been threatening to do this for a few weeks now. Thursday morning I had some time so I figured now was as good a time as any. Let's dive into answering some questions.
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Today's episode is out of the ordinary 'cause I felt like being out of the ordinary. It's a focus on life in general and the urge some seem to have to not participate in life. Some, thanks to COVID, are terrified of what life might be like if they were to resume normal living. Others seem to struggle with mental health for a variety of reasons.
"I remember it the way it should have been." - An old man once told me whilst reminiscing about the past
A truthful admission. Confession is good for the soul. But accurate recall is also good. And right!
Remembering the right thing requires that we first do the right thing. The only way to remember it the way it should have been is to have done what should have been done. It's like telling the truth versus telling lies. Tell the truth and stop worrying. Because it's the truth. Tell lies and you have to become a master juggler or be found out a liar. It begins with doing the right thing. Telling the truth. Making the right decision. Doing what's right.
That's how we can prevent the need for convenient amnesia.
An NFL quarterback throws a pick-six (an intercepted ball the opposing team runs back for a touchdown). The announcer remark, "He has to put that behind him and forget about it." Within minutes when the quarterback gets the ball back, we find out whether or not he can forget the horrible mistake he just made.
Sports are filled with such instances. Aaron Judge is chasing a home run record as I hit record today. The pressure must be intense. After all, he's a New York Yankee chasing a Yankee and an American League record, but he's currently stuck on number 60. Striking out. Walking. Base hits here and there. Does he let his mind linger on the strikeouts? Maybe. His ability to forget it and move on, knowing the next at-bat is going to be a new opportunity to achieve the record --- that's going to make the difference in his success. He'll figure it out. Great athletes almost always do. It's one trait that makes them great - their ability to practice productive amnesia.
Convenient amnesia is delusion. It's inaccurate and heavily biased in our favor. "I remember it the way it should have been."
Productive amnesia is moving forward. It's the realization that we failed in the past, but now we're going to take advantage of the opportunity in front of us.
"Regrets, I've had a few," sings Sinatra in that classic song, My Way. Regrets, I've had a fewBut then again too few to mentionI did what I had to doI saw it through without exemptionI planned each charted courseEach careful step along the bywayAnd more, much, much moreI did it, I did it my way Too few to mention is likely an understatement for most of us. If we're willing to be honest with ourselves.
For me, it's less about regrets and more about what lessons those regrets teach me. I work at fixing my mind on a single question, "Now what?"
Convenient amnesia gets in the way because of pride. I may not always want to admit I was stupid, foolish or that I failed. A big part of convenient amnesia is also that woulda-coulda-shoulda feeling we've all had. Those times when we wished we had made a different decision, or taken a different action - those times when we regret what we did or we regret what we neglected to do.
Six to eight months ago - and before - when the real estate markets were going crazy we talked about putting our house on the market, but we weren't ready. For lots of reasons. Mostly because we had yet to embark on our mission to purge and declutter our lives. We talked about it, but we had yet to back our ears and do it.
During those times people stabbed a "for sale" sign in their yard and within days (sometimes hours) the houses were scarfed up, sold above asking price in many cases. We're feeling that woulda-shoulda-coulda feeling about it, wishing we had prepared ourselves to take advantage, but we didn't.
It's not the first time we've felt that way. Truth is, real estate has never been my friend. ;) All our married life we've found ourselves, due to career moves, needing to leave one place and move to a different place where the markets just never lined up to benefit us. In this part of the country - Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana - we inevitably needed to sell a house in a stagnant or down market and move to a les...
Let me start by acknowledging my dad's 99th birthday today. Born on September 29, 1923, he's seen quite a lot in his lifetime.
Geoffrey "Jeff" Cantrell celebrates his 99th birthday today
I grew up hearing, "You never until you try." I wish I could say that trying was always easy.
My biggest fears as a kid involved girls. Go figure.
Logically, I was bold. Practically, I was a coward.
My best friend had a girlfriend, but no car. I had a car, but no girlfriend. He wanted to go out on a double date so he began pressuring me to ask out somebody. Anybody.
I had a friend - she was in our social circle and we shared many classes - who I liked. She was attractive and popular. We were at his house mulling over a strategy and I mentioned I'd like to ask her out. He was less than encouraging telling me that she'd never go out with me. Stupid on his part since he had no car and was wanting me to ask out somebody. Oh well. We were 16 and not terribly savvy about such things.
I pushed back asking him, "What's the worst thing that can happen? She rejects me." His stupidity continued though, "And she tells everybody she knows, which is EVERYBODY."
I'm in his room thinking that if she does that it'll have a lifespan of less than a day. High school drama about something so small is sure to be bested by something larger within a 24-hour high school news cycle.
But I was scared. Scared to dial the number. Scared to talk to her.
Inexperience does that, which is why my favorite quote remains... Everything is hard until it's easy. Nothing about this was easy. Dealing with my friend. Working up the courage to figure out what to do, and what to say. Controlling my heart rate. It was all hard.
Eventually, I dialed the number and asked her. She accepted and my buddy was completely blown away. The guy just didn't know when to quit being stupid. It took a while before he celebrated the fact that we now had the double date booked - the double date he was desperate to make happen. No, at this moment after I hung up the successful phone call he was dog-piling the whole situation with disbelief that the endeavor had proven successful.
I didn't know if I could, but I tried. Turns out I could get a date with a girl who my buddy thought was beyond the reach of a troglodyte like me.
I was younger than 16 when I first picked up a guitar. I wanted to learn. So I bought a book. I tried. Well, okay, maybe that's too strong a term to describe my effort. And maybe I was less motivated for this endeavor than I was in asking a girl out for a date.
Weeks passed and it seemed to me that my mind just wasn't going to cooperate with me learning the play the guitar. Even if my mind did kick in, I wasn't sure my hands would comply. Besides, there sure seemed to be a lot of math-like skills required.
YouTube didn't yet exist. Neither did the Internet. Cable TV either. We were still burying dinosaurs in those days so everything was harder!
I don't think I lasted a month. I gave up. I tried and failed...destined to own guitars from then on, but never being able to play on.
Trying doesn't insure success. Trying harder won't either. Sometimes we fail no matter how hard or how long we work at it.
During a late-night headphone music session Gavin DeGraw's song, "I'm Gonna Try" began to play. It's an older 2013 song of his that I hadn’t listened to in a while. I'd already been thinking about a few things I wanted to try as we're making some changes in our life. I wasn't thinking too much about whether or not I could because most of the things I was pondering were things I was 100% confident I could do.
I had been thinking about time together with my wife. There's lots of time wasted apart doing what has to be done to sustain life. Tons of things involved in just daily living. You know. We all know. Our to-do list never seems to get fully done. It's less of a list and more like a never-ending cycle.
"You boys, settle down."
"Stop that foolishness."
"Behave."
Whenever Stanley and I were together those were common refrains from the adults observing us. It happens. When you're kids.
We didn't feel foolish. In fact, we felt quite smart. And wondered if cutting up and laughing out loud was foolish, then wisdom wasn't likely going to play any part in our future.
Today I don't ascribe the same meaning to those phrases. I’m very settled. Down. And hopefully, I've stopped most of my foolishness. Truth is, I never did feel very foolish because I was mostly a sober-minded kid. That last admonition is one I've delivered more than any other. "Behave," can mean a variety of things depending on the situation. That's why I love it so much. It's universally applicable.
I loved laughter and levity as a kid. Still do. I confess I don't engage in either one as much as when I was a kid, but the innocence of childhood helps. The burdens of adulthood don't.
Making people laugh used to be an ongoing quest. Provoking laughter was a major investment of our time. Not all kids did it, but we did.
Jim Valvano gave an impassioned speech when he accepted a 1993 ESPY award. He was dying of terminal cancer, but in normal form, he delivered his speech with enthusiasm. Part of his speech included the admonition for people to love, laugh, cry and think. Every day. I do.
I know not everybody does. But I also know not everybody is wired to be as prone to these emotions as I am. Maybe better said, not everybody is wired to be as expressive about these things as I am. I don't judge people. We're all different. In how we feel and how we express those feelings.
Love, laughter, and levity aren't personality traits. They're part of the human condition. For each of us. How they're expressed varies based on our personality. Our personality also largely influences how pervasive they are in our lives.
There are some distinct differences in these things and I can't fully explain why I've coupled these three L words. Of the three I suspect levity may cause the most disagreement or debate.
Levity has one particular definition that I'm drawn to. the treatment of a serious matter with humor Some likely think of levity as the opposite of being sober. I don't see it that way. And I don't see it as disrespectful. I think levity can be disrespectful, but so can laughter. Context matters.
I'm using each of these words, separate and together, in the most positive way. I admit it's easier to see love and laughter that way. Levity isn't nearly as common a word and I suspect people largely think of it as immature behavior. Maybe it is, but I still think it can add a powerfully positive force to our life.
Some of the times where levity has been most common in my life are during times of drama. Funerals. Hospital visits. Visiting people suffering some tragedy. That's why I lean mostly on that definition of levity - "the treatment of a serious matter with humor." Levity is complex. And quite complicated. Of the three L words, it's the one that requires the greatest skill. And not everybody can initiate it or even participate in it. Some people are very awkward about it. It's one of the most uncomfortable things for me to witness. Somebody attempting to inject levity, but failing miserably. And most have no clue that they're getting it so wrong.
"I'm so lonesome I could cry" is sometimes replaced with "I'm so lonesome I need to laugh...so I don't cry." Properly used levity is a tension breaker. Improperly used it's awkward, disrespectful, or embarrassing.
Watch any standup comedian. Preferably a good one. It's highly likely they'll incorporate levity on some very serious or dark subjects.
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My life began, like all humans, as a simpleton. I was a child. Then a kid. It was all pretty simple (a good thing since I was a simpleton) until junior high, but that was a million miles away when I was a child. Junior high was only complicated because of relationships - and girls. ;) Things didn't complicate it so much because as long as I didn't stick out like a sore thumb among my peers, I was pretty good. Besides, we were middle-class and so were most of the kids I knew.
I didn't grow up really making a distinction between the economic prowess of somebody's parents. In grade school my best friend, Terry lived right across the street from the school in a very modest little frame house. I knew his family wasn't as well off as mine, but it had no impact on my relationship with him, or how I viewed him. It never crossed my mind that my family was somehow better, smarter, more clever, or anything else.
But let's not start with the past...let's jump to the present. My son recently turned 42, which prompted me to think about the span between my 42 and my current age, 65. Leaning Toward Wisdom began when I was 42. Twenty-three years is a long time.
At 42 I was, like my son, hitting the prime of my professional life. But my life was also growing increasingly complicated. My son was turning 19...so we were in the throes of kids entering college. Junior high kids cost more than elementary school kids. High school kids cost even more. And college kids may cost the most because of college costs...but our kids worked, too...so I'm not sure. Oh, and add the cost of sports during high school and I'd guess it's likely a toss-up between high school and college expenses. At least for us. But I haven't analyzed it. No matter, financially things naturally grow increasingly more complicated as the kid's age. And as we parents age.
Enter a bigger house, a nicer neighborhood - all demanding more money upfront and more money ongoing. Enter more cars, more insurance, more maintenance...more complexity.
As kids grow up and enter adulthood life grows more complicated because lives are growing more independent. This is exactly what we want as parents, but it's not a simple or easy thing. Especially when your son tells you he's going to leave and move to another state. But you do what you have to do, say what you must, and grind your way through the sadness, sorrow, and worry. Then sometime later, he comes back home and your spirits soar, you feel like you can breathe again and if you're like I was, you dive as fully into being present for your kids like never before (and it's not like I wasn't before, but now it was different).
These are complicated years as you attempt to help your kids navigate the unchartered waters of their own lives, in search of their own independence - something we had always tried to help them pursue, especially from high school forward. Birds leaving the nest is a great thing - a terrific achievement. Watching them - admiring them - figure it out was always worthwhile, even during the biggest challenges. We were in it together with a united purpose - preparing them for life in the real world. Preparing them to stand on their own, exercising wisdom to figure it out - and to do it all while putting God first.
Those weren't easy years except financially. We were fortunate to have a good income and mostly we didn't fret about money. But we weren't foolish or stupid either. As I've said before, cash-flowing life was our way of life so we were never tempted to live beyond our means. Did we buy some things foolishly? Of course. Did we make some financial mistakes? Yes, I did - most notably trusting a business deal that cost us $50,000 due to my idiocy - something I'll never quite get over thanks to the betrayal of a friend. But these things happen and I mostly got past it, thanks in large part to the fact that such an amount - while large - didn't impact our lives.
1 Timothy 2:1-2 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.
I just watched the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II.
Regal.
Formal.
Spectacular.
Historical.
As many have observed, she wasn't part of history, she was history.
70 years and 214 days. The longest reign of any British monarch.
From February 2, 1952, until her death on September 8, 2022.
From Winston Churchill forward, she ruled 15 Prime Ministers.
Dignity.
Composure.
Poise.
Such a death compels millions to consider simultaneously consider death. So it goes with the death of the extraordinarily famous. It helps when they're as beloved as the Queen.
Hundreds of thousands lined the streets in London and all along the procession which carried the Queen to her burial place in Windsor at St. George's Chapel.
The Queen architected the details of her funeral, including the songs that were sung.
She wasn't likely able to architect the details of her life though. Born into royalty in 1926 she was trained as I suppose all sovereign children are - how to be royal.
Before we think about our death, we have to think about our life, deciding how we'll live.
I often think of the moment our soul departs our body and our spirit enters the eternal realm. Especially during times like these - the death of a famous person. But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written:
“AsI live, says the Lord, Every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall confess to God.”
So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way.
Romans 14:10-13
It's true. There are no dead atheists.
I often think of what the dead now know with certainty that we may not quite believe. Or know.
Like now. What does Queen Elizabeth know that she didn't know before? What does any departed soul now know that went unknown or unrealized while in this body?
What can I know and understand right now that I may not be knowing or understanding? How can I lean harder into wisdom that is eternal, not just earthly? How can I know and understand things that transcend this life?
It's largely the focal point of a project I began during the Pandemic, In Thy Paths.
The death of a Queen, this particular Queen, is a momentous event in history. It's even more momentous for her soul, which continues to live on. God, the Creator, who rules over all, will be the judge of all.
I hope the death of a Queen provokes all of us to carefully consider the King that sits on the throne of our heart - the one to whom we bow and serve. For many, that king is themselves. But God, the Father, has given us a Savior, a King, a sovereign above all others. Jesus is a King with the power to give us Heaven forever.
P.S. Today is also the 72nd anniversary of my parents. That's right. They were married over a year before Elizabeth became the Queen.
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It's an impromptu special episode. A few bullet points may be helpful.
We've always cash flowed our life, or tried to. Two pivotal milestones impact every American's encore chapter: a) Medicare (when you reach 65) and b) Social Security (when you reach 62 or full-retirement or age 70). Retirement means different things to us than "not working" or "not earning income." We want to continue to earn income and continue to live within our means. Modest living is a goal. Not austere living, but modest living. Frugality is a way of life, unapologetically. We're living our lives for ourselves (and each other). God remains THE priority, but when the encore chapter days arrive, you realize - if you're married - that your lives together are now what remains. And it's great if you put in the work! I'm putting in the work - or trying to. My wife is the most important person in my life. It doesn't mean I don't love kids, grandkids, and the rest of my family, but it means I know I'm not the most important person to them. And I'm good with it. It's the cycle of life and how it ought to be.
Success is the ability to move from one failure to another without loss of enthusiasm. Often attributed to Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln although there's no evidence either man said or wrote it. Both men did speak and write about resilience, persistence, and never giving up. No matter who said it, it's wise because experience tells us it's mostly accurate. Of course, it depends on how we define "enthusiasm." If we mean exuberance, maybe not so much if our focus is on the cheerfulness part of it. I'll take a shot and give you my definition of enthusiasm, as it relates to that quote. The ability to persist, to push through, regardless of the adversity You can interpret it differently, but that feels right to me because success requires each of us to do things we may not want to do, or things we don't enjoy doing because we're pursuing something we think will be worth the sacrifice and effort.
Today, let's wrestle a little bit with this universal challenge - a loss of enthusiasm.
Happy Birthday to my sister, Lexie. She is my only sibling. Six years older than me.
When I was a kid growing up, folks reached 65 and it was considered the age at which people stopped working. Companies seemed to ordain that once you were 65 you were done. Finished.
Now that I'm 65 it feels so wrong. And incongruent with how the world works today.
I look at old photos of my grandparents when they were still in their 50s and they seemed so old to me at the time. Even through the lens of my 65-year-old eyes today, those old photos depict people much older than my current age. Never mind that they were a full decade younger than I now am - they looked old. They acted old. But they lived in a world where their peers looked and acted in a similar fashion.
I'm not sure how to properly define the lines of life, but mine seem to fall into a few different categories: spiritual, mental, relational, professional, and financial. There's nothing absolute about these, but I can use them to illustrate the point of today's show.
Spiritual is upfront because eternity changes everything. That makes our spiritual life the most important part of our life. Spiritual is the priority so it spills over into every other area.
Mental is next for me because it overlaps all of the others, too. It encompasses feelings and beliefs. It also includes our inner drive - the motivation we exhibit when we display the energy we have to achieve whatever it is we're aiming to achieve.
Relational matters because it's our interaction with others. From our closest relationships - like marriage - to our most casual - like some social media friends we've never met in person. Without this, there is no influence or impact on others. And without it, others have no influence on us either.
Professional is what we choose to do to earn a living.
Financial is our relationship with money. It includes the decisions we make with our money. Where we spend it. How we invest it. How we might waste it. Anything else involving our money, including our stuff!
These are a few of the lines I'm thinking about, but that's not all of them.
I'm also thinking about the lines between who I am and who I most want to be. There's the person I am versus the person I'm working to become.
I'm thinking of the past, present, and future lines, too. We all have a past that has contributed to helping us be who we now are. And all of our choices are going to impact who we're likely to become.
As you can see, our lives are filled with lots of lines. It's easy to understand how they can become blurred. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between them. For example...
It's Always About The Money. Ok, Not Always, But Often!
Yes, that's cynical. But mostly realistic. Regardless of our age money is the ever-present elephant in the room. Every room.
I'm not saying money matters above everything, but I am saying that money is a preoccupation with most of us. We spend the greater part of our lives earning it or trying to. Then we spend time lusting for things money can buy.
Money (financial) can crossover and impact all those other areas or lines.
I'm old. I've had no-telling-how-many conversations with people about money and luck. And timing. Permit a qualifier. I've only had a few conversations with people who were chasing a dream in the arts and performance areas of life. Those folks wanted fame. They wanted their work to be seen, heard, or experienced in some way. But since I started out in small business as a teen, most of my conversations have been with people who mostly wanted money - MORE money than they currently had, or were earning.
Preparing for your time to come means preparing so you can at long last make MORE money. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just acknowledging the elephant in the room --- for many people. But this is logical. We all need money. Most of us need MORE money. Not all of us need, want, or crave fame or notoriety.
Maybe I heard it because I was born in Oklahoma, a state with quite a bit of native American history and heritage. As a boy, I remember being fascinated whenever we’d find an arrowhead. The story likely came from that Indian culture I was around as a kid. I can’t be sure. Either that or it may have been because Oklahoma is also smack dab in the middle of tornado alley. Thunderstorms are a way of life around these parts (Oklahoma and north Texas).
The illustration is powerful. It deals with buffalo and thunderstorms. For those who may not know, thunderstorms travel from west to east. Cattle and buffalo react when the dark clouds start rolling in, signifying a coming storm. The cattle run east, away from the storm. The buffalo run west, directly in the path of the storm.
Question: Which animal is in the storm the longest?
Answer: The cattle…because they’re traveling with the storm.
The moral of the story is to behave more like a buffalo. Lean into your problems. Run into the storm. Don’t hide. Fight. We all have to endure the storms. It’s up to us how long we endure it. We can be like a cow running away from it, hiding. It just means we’ll be in the storm longer. Or, we can be a buffalo and fight. Face our storm by charging into it knowing that our time there will be much briefer than we ran away from it.
Storms are coming. I don’t know what they’ll look like, but the clouds are rolling in. Wave after wave. Some darker than others.
Springtime in Texas means thunderstorms and possible tornados. Lightning and hail are ordinary when the clouds are really dark.
Our life storms are no different. Some are violent and threatening. Others ramble a bit with thunder, but don’t produce much wind or rain. Some are predictable and forecasters appear to have prophetic powers. Others pop up suddenly, catching us off guard. Around here, you have to be prepared. When the sirens sound – warning us of a tornado sighting – we know where to go inside our house (or to our storm shelter if we’ve got one).
Damage depends on the severity of the storm and the preparedness of the people enduring it. When winds approach 100 miles an hour, you’re not going to prevent damage to your house, but you can stay safe. Houses can be rebuilt, new roofs can be installed and cars repaired or replaced. When you know what’s coming – and you prepare for the worst – you can survive. Battered maybe. Even bloody perhaps. People in these parts want to do what we can to survive. Mostly we do – as evidenced by how few people are killed in big storms.
But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself as I am wont to do. The storms that happen in our lives aren’t exactly like those that happen in nature. Sometimes we create our own storms. We make choices that results in thunder and lightning and significant damage. Overcoming our own stupidity can be difficult at times depending on the degree of our stupidity prowess. Some of us have extraordinary skills, brought about by years of experience in doing one stupid thing after another. Jumping off that stupidity merry-go-round can be a hard thing for some. I know. I’ve had my own struggles with it. You?
Life has options. Always.
Maybe not the ones we most want, but still — options. I’m a big fan of options because I like freedom. Freedom is being able to choose.
Walk through the aisle of your local Piggly Wiggly supermarket and you’ll clearly understand freedom. Okay, we don’t have more Piggly Wiggly stores in Texas. How sad is that? We’re no longer afforded the freedom to “dig the pig.” It’s enough to feel like a prisoner with no choices.
Okay, you get the idea — go visit your local grocery store. Pick something…some category of food item. Jam. Cookies. Cereal. Crackers. Bread. Mustard. Ketchup. It can be anything.
Now go stand in front of that category and count the different varieties you can purchase. There’s likely dozens from which to choose. That’s freedom. You have a choice to make.
"A girl I became friends with on a school trip in high school fell asleep on my shoulders on the ride back."
"I'm still coasting on that memory."
Crimson and Clover and Crystal Blue Persuasion were on the same album. I was 11. It was one of my first and biggest music memories of "my" music...and perhaps it was the first record I wore out. Literally.
Listening to Top 40 radio was a constant in the car. At home, the biggest memory and influence was my dad's 1962 Ray Charles' record, Modern Sounds of Country and Western Music.
Side one
- "Bye Bye Love"
- "You Don't Know Me"
- "Half as Much"
- "I Love You So Much It Hurts"
- "Just a Little Lovin' (Will Go a Long Way)"
- "Born to Lose"
Side two
- "Worried Mind"
- "It Makes No Difference Now"
- "You Win Again"
- "Careless Love"
- "I Can't Stop Loving You"
- "Hey, Good Lookin'"
My early music experiences consisted of great rhythm and harmonies. My sister loved The Lettermen and later on, The Carpenters. For me, Ray Charles was hard to beat. For a little kid, not yet a teenager, I was falling in love with music.
The albums were played on a piece of furniture. Homes with music had stereo consoles.
Junior high brought on a new music-related interest, hi-fi stereo gear. That fueled even deeper and broader interest in records. Tons of music memories have provided a good coasting surface for my life.
Watching the documentary about Ben Fong-Torres, famous music editor for Rolling Stone magazine brought back lots of memories of the 1970s and the music that once dominated my life. But music is just part of the memories I coast on. Words increasingly mattered, and not just the song lyrics. I devoured Ben Fong-Torres' writing. And Hunter S. Thompson. And Cameron Crowe. Their writing wasn't like anything familiar to me. Ben wrote about music and musicians. Hunter, well, he wrote about lots of stuff. Popular culture. Politics. I didn't care that much about the topics, but I enjoyed how Hunter wrote. Crowe, like Ben, he was writing about musicians. I read their stuff regularly adding a new coasting surface for memories - words.
Music. Technology. Words. The convergence of these 3 things happened in the 1970s. The song remains the same.
Memories reflected my future. And my present.
Memories don't determine the present or the future, but they influence it. Our memories are part of us. What has happened to us helps define us.
The guy coasting on the memory of the girl who fell asleep on his shoulder indicates how something so small can linger for so long...and even fuel us along the way. It's not about coasting in the sense that we don't do anything. Not putting any effort into anything. I don't know what memories you may leverage for coasting, but it did make me think of what memories might be fueling me.
I began the conversation with memories of music because music has accompanied every era of my life so far. I don't suspect it's going to stop until my life stops. But I'm not coasting on it. Any of it. It's not a driving force so much as a soundtrack, a key but minor player in the grand scheme of things.
I started thinking of the memory this guy shared and wondering if I had any such memories. I'm not at a loss for pivotal memories, but I'm not sure I've got any single memory that fuels me like that.
One of my first thoughts was about family and faith. And not separately, but how connected they are for me. I've long thought that I hit the lottery when it came to being born into a Christian home where I was taught the Bible and where I learned about God. And myself. From grandparents to parents to old men and old women, I was fortunate enough to have great teachers. I didn't have to go searching for God or the truth. It was handed to me on a platter. I only had to read, listen, learn and figure out on my own whether I'd embrace it or not. It wasn't about indoctrination as much as it was about exp...
Last season I'm watching one of the grandkids play ball. My granddaughter plays softball and both of her little brothers play baseball. I can't remember which kid was playing, but I noticed a few players who would approach the plate refusing to swing. By the time I'd see these players come up to bat the second time around, it was evident they were hoping they'd get a walk. Stand in the batter's box, bat perched on their shoulder and the pitch didn't matter. Low, high, or right down the middle. They weren't going to swing.
The most quoted quote about such things has to be this one... You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky At least in baseball and softball, you have the chance of being walked. ;) No such luck in hockey!
I've long been fascinated - puzzled may be a better word for it - by kids who play sports, but are obviously afraid. Watching a 7-year-old step into the batter's box fully committed to keeping that bat on his shoulder makes me wonder, "What is he afraid of?" Is he afraid of striking out? Is he afraid of looking foolish? Of being made fun of? Of hitting the ball badly?
It's hard to know what a little kid is afraid of. It's hard to know what somebody is fearful of because I struggle sometimes trying to identify my own fears!
For months we've been navigating our own version of a Little League batter's box. We made up our mind we were not going to keep the bat on our shoulders though. But we're not little kids. As two adult, mature (a synonym for old) people - a married couple - we didn't step into the box until we knew we were ready. When it's your time to hit, you'd best get on with it and give it a go.
Will we get a hit and get on base? Might we hit a double? A triple? Will we get a walk or strike out? Or...might we hit a home run?
The courage to take a swing is the courage to patiently wait for the pitch we most want to hit and give ourselves the opportunity for any degree of success. There are multiple ways to get on base. Success isn't limited to just hitting the pitch over the fence in a homerun. That's the very best outcome, but it's not the only one. And if we strike out, it's not final. We can regroup and get back into the box for another crack at success.
So we're taking our swings...and I'm gonna share a bit of our batter's story thus far.
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Marie: My Maternal Grandmother
Oatmeal Cookie Recipe By Re
Bessie Marie Burns was born April 8, 1906, near Sulphur, Oklahoma. She died on February 2, 1982, in Ada, Oklahoma. She despised her first name. Everybody called her Marie, but anybody who really knew her called her, "Re."
I just registered ResRetreat.com - there'd be an apostrophe if the Internet allowed them. It's Re's Retreat. I've been dreaming, conniving, and planning for almost 3 years.
I'm still working the controls as deftly as possible to land the plane, but I see the airport. The tower hasn't yet instructed me to land. I don't yet have an assigned runway, but I'm optimistic. And hoping I can land before I run out of fuel.
About 4 years ago we booked an Airbnb reservation to a place we had never been. It looked like our kind of place. Lots of trees, mountainous, walking trails, wildlife, serene, quiet. Woods. I love woods.
Best of all, it was just one state away, a 5-hour drive.
Now, four years later, and multiple trips - and a year of podcasting about the place (HSVInsideOut.com) we're leaning toward making another investment in the place - and in our future.
Three or four years of dreaming. And scheming. To make something happen. Time will tell if we can succeed with our plan. And land this plane.
Podcasting From Inside The Yellow Studio
It started in 2000 with version 1.0. In 2019, thanks to the addition of the Rode Rodecaster Pro - which was made possible by the listeners of Leaning Toward Wisdom during Project: Craving Encouragement - version 2.0 was born. That's still the version in use for today's show, but I'm planning to make dramatic changes - Version 3.0. I'm not exactly sure what it'll look like, but I have some very solid ideas. It's going to be less of a specific place and more of a here's-where-I'm-at kind of a place.
Our Encore Chapter: Writing It The Way We Hope Is Best
There are three priorities in our story writing: spiritual (which includes emotional and mental well-being), financial, and family. They're all intertwined.
Spiritual is number one because eternity changes everything! There are no dead atheists. Every atheist who dies quickly realizes God is real. And Heaven and Hell are, too. If you want to read a glimpse of life after this one, read the story in Luke. Luke 16:19-31 New King James Version The Rich Man and Lazarus “There was a certain rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and [a]fared sumptuously every day. But there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, full of sores, who was laid at his gate, 21 desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. And being in torments in Hades, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. Then he cried and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.’ But Abraham said, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us.’ “Then he said, ‘I beg you therefore, father, that you would send him to my father’s house, for I have five brothers, that he may testify to them, lest they also come to this place of torment.’ Abraham said to him, ‘They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.’ 30 And he said, ‘No, father Abraham; but if one goes to them from the dead, they will repent.’ But he said to him, ‘If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead.’ ” Financial isn't about building wealth,
In 1975 Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks broke up. Well, according to the lore, Stevie broke up with him. In his broken-hearted angst, he wrote the song, Go Your Own Way.
But I'm listening to the song the other day and it sparked a different idea - one I've long thought. Rather than a breakup song where we're telling the girl she can go her own way...what if it were a song where we were admonishing ourselves to go the way we most want to go. "You've gotta find what works for you." It's a common statement, but I've found not that many people actually do it. This is why when I heard Lindsey's song this time - the millionth time or so - I wasn't thinking of the context he was thinking when he wrote it. I was thinking of how we're mostly busy comparing ourselves to others and attempting to reverse engineer everything.
Much is written and said about how to do something. We're busy trying to replicate the success of others. "Hey, look at what they're doing. Let's do that." Then when it doesn't work we slink away in despair wondering what went wrong. To appease our despair we go off on a new hunting expedition to find somebody else who is succeeding. What we're really looking for is somebody else to copy. Another subject we can mimic in hopes we'll achieve whatever success they're achieving.
“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” ~ Anonymous
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Just because my path is different doesn’t mean I’m lost.” ~Gerard Abrams
Maybe people find it more appealing to find somebody to copy and give that a go rather than looking more deeply inward to figure out the way they should go.
Maybe people put too much emphasis and pressure on succeeding. Maybe it's a money thing. Or status thing.
Maybe people worry too much about what other people think of them. Or how others will judge them. Am I living in a nice enough house? Am I driving a nice enough car? Do I make enough money?
Maybe it's all of these things - and more.
As usual, life isn't so simple. Likely there are so many variables it'd take an MIT-trained mathematician to calculate.
“If you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree.” ~ Jim Rohn
Maybe it's time to figure out who and what we are. And who and what we most want to be - while being congruent with the realities of our personality. The core of who we are isn't likely going to change. For instance, I’m an introvert. I'm not going to alter that, no matter how badly I may want to. There have been many times when I wished I were somebody different, but life has taught me it's a waste of time and effort.
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” ~ Thomas Edison
Quitting too soon is a real thing. The problem of course is you don't really know when you've quit too soon. How do you know?
We just have to be sure we're diving into the correct pool, and giving it our best while understanding there are no guarantees we'll make it to the other side.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer
“A ship is always safe at shore. But that is not what it is built for.” – Albert Einstein
“You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterday’s junk.” ~ Louise Smith
I'm not a tree, so I'm moving. Literally. And figuratively. I don't yet have the details, but I'll share them when I can.
“What feels like the end is often the beginning.” ~ Unknown
When A Son Becomes A Husband and Father
He was born early on Sunday morning, August 17, 1980. In this part of the world, the summer of 1980 still remains historical for record-setting heat. His mom had a miserable summer. Our first child, like all firstborns, was highly anticipated. There was no gender reveal celebration in 1980. It was a better world. ;)
As a first-time dad, I only had two concerns: for my wife and this new child to both emerge healthy and well. In 1980 there was a popular skit on Saturday Night Live, The Coneheads. When I first saw him I knew he had to be the offspring of Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) and Prymaat (Jane Curtin) - not us. The doctor assured me in time his head would appear more normal. Along with his color. He was a red conehead, but I was so thankful he was according to the doctor "normal." Turns out the doctor was incorrect. This kid wasn't normal by any stretch. He was extraordinary.
He was full of energy, the kid who never had a bad day. He was more social than either of his parents, making us wonder about those original moments where he could have easily jettisoned to earth from the planet Remulak. But no, he's ours. Or was, until he surrounded himself with a wife and three children of his own. Now he belongs to even more people. We've been proud to share him.
I've always watched him closely with admiration. Or frustration. But always with such deep love that transcends my ability of expression.
Proud is the word that best describes how I feel about him today - and every day. Proud because he's become exactly what I had hoped and worked toward - a better man. And nothing is better for a son or a father, providing the father isn't some piece of garage character who has set such a low bar that it's not gonna be hard for a son to be better. That's not the case with us. I've put in the work to be a good man. I hope I am a good man. But he's better. And I'm happiest knowing that he's put in the work necessary to be who he is. We just helped guide him on the journey.
Happy Birthday!
I love him. I love his family. I love his mom.
P.S. Follow him on Tik Tok and you'll see how awesome he is.
From 30 feet away a shotgun blast will disperse many dozens of pellets over a broad area. The greater the distance, the wider the spread of pellets.
A rifle on the other hand is a single projectile. It only creates one hole in the target, but it's able to do it from a much greater distance.
The energy behind a shotgun propels dozens of BB-like projectiles toward the target while the rifle focuses all that energy on a single bullet. Focusing on less is rifle-like. Multi-tasking like a madman is more shotgun-like.
Years ago while working with a client who was easily distracted because everywhere he looked he saw opportunities, I created a diagram to show him the power of focusing on fewer opportunities. Sometime later I created a 1:21-minute video (without sound) to replicate what I did in front of the client that day.
I drew a circle with a dot in the center. That center dot represented the starting point for any business pursuits my client might engage in. The outer circle represented profit or whatever measurement he wanted to use to represent success. And I began by marking an X somewhere on the circle, to represent that goal. A circle is 360 degrees so we'll assume there are 360 choices or pursuits (even though there are infinite number of them really). So our X represents just one.
I then began to advance one dot at a time from the center dot (the starting point) in a straight line toward the X, the goal. I put 3 dots in a line and told my client that each dot represented a step toward achieving success in that direction.
Then I drew a new X on a different part of the circle to represent a new opportunity - a new pursuit. And I put three dots in the direction of that X, telling my client that represented steps taken to achieve success toward that different goal.
I did it with a third X on yet a different part of the circle. Again, I put 3 dots toward that goal, representing different activities put toward this third goal.
Suppose there are 10 dots between the center starting point and anywhere on the circle. The dots represent the actions necessary to reach the outer circle or success. By now I've put 9 dots on the diagram, but they're divided by 3 different pursuits so none of them is even a third the way toward achieving success.
I explained to him that if his attention had been more narrowly focused on a single objective then he'd be 9 steps toward success. That meant, he'd be just one step away from achieving the goal, albeit a single goal. But instead, he was about one-third the way toward achieving success in 3 different areas. Which meant he wasn't even close to success at any of them. His history showed that he hardly ever reached the outer circle. With anything. When he did manage to achieve it, he struggled the sustain it...or improve it because something else grabbed his attention.
Over time, it was pretty clear to him what he most struggled with -- he mistook motion for action. As long as he was running around with his hair on fire he felt like he was driven, and ambitious. But he was wrong. Clarity was elusive for him. He didn't see it. Until he finally could see it. His lack of success had very little to do with much else other than his focused attention to it for long enough periods to make it a reality. He was busy traveling short distances in many directions, but the goals were all longer distances away. Short trips to the store do not a vacation trip make.
That's the power of less. It's the power of embracing or leaning into less - not more.
Throughout our time together he discovered that he had a fundamental idea that had never proven true in his life. Throw more stuff on the wall and something is bound to stick. Bet on more numbers and surely one of your numbers will win. Do enough things and something is bound to succeed. But it never did. Because he struggled to maintain enough focus fully exploit any opportunity.
The first real studio tour I did Inside The Yellow Studio was more than a decade in. It was 2015. At that point, I'd been laying down audio tracks online for years. Then when you guys helped me get the new (at the time) Rode Rodecaster Pro in 2019, I did a new tour. Click here to see and listen to that.
I won't rehash history because you can go back and dive as deeply as you'd like. Or not all at.
The broadcast workflow has always been how I've rolled. That is, I prepare in advance, then I hit RECORD, and mostly, I'm done. It's finished. My editing is pre-recording editing. It's a broadcast workflow because that's how live broadcasts work. There are no do-overs. It's out and done. Foibles and all.
That workflow was the genesis of The Yellow Studio version 1.0. It consisted of a sizable rack of gear, which I loved. It wasn't cheap, but my sound was consistently great - whether I was on a Skype call or recording an audio or video. Because all the sound was produced in real-time through all the hardware I had. Software is a much cheaper route to go, but you have to incorporate a recording workflow, not a broadcast one. That means, you record, then you process the file and fool with things after-the-fact. No thanks!
In 2019 the Rodecaster Pro ushered in The Yellow Studio Version 2.0. I ditched the full rack of equipment, replacing every bit of it with one device - the Rode Rodecaster Pro. It was a big shift - and improvement in the signal chain. Not just because the Rodecaster Pro is such a great device, but because all the cabling changed and became very straightforward. Now I was able to use shorter run XLR cables directly from the microphones to the Rode. No more going into the vocal strip (mic preamps), then into another processor, then into an interface...gone was the spaghetti of wires Inside The Yellow Studio. It was wonderful and the studio became so much nicer for me! Thanks to many of you who contributed money to help me buy the Rode!
The Yellow Studio is soon going to go away. Well, more accurately, Version 2.0 is going away. Not because of the new Rodecaster Pro 2, which I hope to get soon, but because I'm physically moving. Yep, moving! Lord willing, Rhonda and I will be finding some new digs where I'll have to erect The Yellow Studio Version 3.0. I can't yet tell you the details because I don't know them, but I'll figure it out.
Lord willing, The Yellow Studio Version 3.0 will include the new Rode Rodecaster Pro 2, but we'll see how it goes. Otherwise, I have no other hardware changes planned. At some point, I'll migrate to an Apple laptop and give up the 27" Apple iMac (circa 2017). I'll keep a big monitor, but I'm going to shift to greater mobility so a laptop will be vital.
Some Things That Will Be Different In Version 3.0
No books. Okay, fewer books. So few they won't likely matter.
The Yellow Studio Versions 1.0 and 2.0 had eight (8) bookcases full of books. And knick-knacks. Oh, the knick-knacks will remain! ;) Let it never be said I didn't have my priorities straight.
About 4 of those bookcases were filled with religious or "church" books. Bible commentaries and other books that I've spent my life collecting. And reading and studying. In my now "not so famous" document, When I Die...I had always written down that my son would get the entire library. Well, in my efforts to purge about 80% of my personal possessions, I asked him if he wanted them now. I only had 2 requests: a) make sure our immediate family, including the grandkids, have access to them and b) that includes me! He agreed so he'll be getting about half of the books. The other half of the library consists of secular books, mostly business and biographies. I plan to keep about 3 shelves of those and donate all the rest!
My life hasn't had this few books since I was a teenager. But I don't mind. It's quite liberating actually. I've already worked through the emotions and depression about it. ;)
No CD rack.
It's a line from the TV series, The Americans. In season 3, episode 3 FBI agent Stan Beeman is asked about his past undercover work where he infiltrated a white supremacist group. The colleague asks him how he was able to succeed in that assignment. Stan tells him you just keep on telling them what they want to hear, over and over and over again. Then he utters the great line, "People love hearing how right they are."
Years of coaching people -mostly high performers 'cause they're the ones most focused on getting better - have shown me how true it is. I've had a few non-high performers who resisted the process of coaching because they mostly wanted to hear how good they already are. Well, they thought they did until I challenged them to look more closely in the mirror and stop making excuses.
When we hear how right we are, we can avoid thinking about how wrong we might be. So I get it. The urge to constantly feel good about ourselves is real. It sure beats feeling bad about ourselves. But that's the trouble with modern culture - the assumption that it feels bad to realize we can do (or be) better! It's a lie though and most of us likely know it because we've felt tremendous pride in growing and improving ourselves.
Not Everybody Finds Value In Being Challenged - No Matter How Much Care Is Displayed
In 2007 a book was published that provided one of the biggest challenges to me - Competing on Analytics: The New Science of Winning. I loved that book because it challenged many things for me. It was invigorating. Immediately I started viewing business - the business I was operating - through a different lens. My curiosity soared, which is saying something because I was already driven by questions.
My experience with that book helped me better understand what had - up to that point - been a lifelong pursuit of seeking challenges. Challenges to my assumptions. Challenges to my perspectives. Challenges to what I had already learned.
It had begun from years of studying with older men about the Bible. Working hard to derive whatever wisdom could be passed on. Asking questions. Looking for areas where I could grow and improve. Turns out there weren't any areas where I couldn't grow or improve. ;)
In my 20s I developed a habit that was foreign to the industry where I worked. The business plan. I wasn't involved in the startup world. I was mostly involved in more turnaround work - taking an existing enterprise from one level of success to a higher level. I began to write detailed, in-depth business plans to answer questions I'd ask about the organization I was involved in. I'd spend hours digging for the truth - looking for facts and evidence from which to draw conclusions.
3M was a premier company at the time. Not that they're not today, but I knew some employees of 3M and it was clear their company was on the bleeding edge of innovation and fact-finding. These were the days of Jack Welch's General Electric, and I became a big fan. Those two enormous companies - 3M and GE - were very instrumental in my quest to challenge myself.
This was my professional life in the early 80s.
By 1982 I was beginning to gain some insight into how others viewed being challenged. I was forming my own leadership philosophy - and my own business viewpoints on how to best build, organize and grow an organization. The more people I hired the more apparent it became that the ideal candidate for my style of leadership were people who most enjoyed being caringly challenged. Heavy on the descriptor, caringly. Which in my mind didn't mean soft-pedaling, but meant you had to have the other person's best interest at heart.
I learned the hard way that sometimes it didn't matter how much I cared. The other person sometimes had no interest in being challenged. I sought answers to find out why. Sometimes it seemed the other person simply had little or no experience with the sensation. Sometimes I could explain. Sometimes I couldn't.
Psychology Today says this about loneliness... Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one's desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. First off, I'm not a psychologist. I'm a lifelong student in human behavior and psychology, but that hardly makes me an expert. But I notice things. I notice people. I notice my own behavior. I'm in good touch with my feelings, even though I don't always love how I'm feeling - or know how to go about altering them as quickly as I'd like.
Like now.
Did you know that according to one BYU researcher, extreme social isolation can have the same negative impact on health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day? If that's extreme isolation, then I wonder what moderate isolation - or moderate loneliness - produces. The equivalent of smoking how many cigarettes a day? Do you suppose we could equate our degree of loneliness - feeling isolated - with a specific number of cigarettes smoked in a day? Curious minds would like to know.
The research makes a distinction between isolation and loneliness. Isolation is objective. Loneliness is subjective. You can measure isolation. It's hard to gauge the subjective feeling of being lonely. No matter, most of us just know whether or not we're lonely.
ZingInstruments.com has a list of the top 20 songs about loneliness. See if you agree with their list. I've not researched it enough to argue with it.
‘Only The Lonely (Know the Way I Feel)’ By Roy Orbison ‘You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go’ by Bob Dylan ‘So Lonely’ by The Police ‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie ‘Lonely Boy’ by The Black Keys ‘Lonely’ by Tom Waits ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by The Beatles ‘Pictures of You’ by The Cure ‘I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry’ by Hank Williams ‘Tired Of Being Alone’ by Al Green ‘Lonely Avenue’ by Ray Charles ‘The Loner’ by Neil Young ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’ by Elvis Presley ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ by Green Day ‘How to Fight Loneliness’ by Wilco ‘Cactus’ by The Pixies ‘I Wish You Lonely’ by Morrissey ‘Lonely Girl’ by Weezer ‘Lonely People’ by America ‘Solitary Man’ by Neil Diamond
There are lots of songs, poems, and stories about loneliness. Because it's such a universal sensation. More chronic for some than others.
I've examined my own loneliness for as long as I can remember. Even though I'm an introvert I'm not anti-social. I've never been extremely isolated. I've never really been isolated. Even during the shut-down days of the pandemic, I was with my wife. I jokingly say of my introversion and need to get away at times, "I'm just looking for a big rock to crawl under." That's much less about loneliness and more about my personal need to be left alone.
Sidebar, your honor. I wish some people had a greater capacity for observation and soft skills. See if you can relate to this. Think of people in your life who have little to no awareness of how others are wired. They go about their business treating everybody identically the same, as much as possible. That person who is extroverted or wants to be the most popular person around, works the crowd like a politician and then often - in my life - declares how we need more social interaction. But their constant intrusion in my life, which I politely (okay, sometimes not so much) grin and bear, saps my strength unlike anything else. Trust me, I know how to give off a vibe that even a blind person could sense. But these poor folks don't seem to pick up on it. I've watched it closely all my life and my conclusion hasn't changed. They're not watching for it. In me, or anybody else. Watch them closely. Those folks who work a room. Appearing to befriend all comers. Notice something if you will. It's not about the people they greet. Or interact with. It's about them. They don't notice the effect they have on you because they're not thinking about you. They're in it for themselves.
Let's talk about noticing. Or not.
Our soon-to-be 42-year-old son created this book when he was in grade school
Someday. Too often we declare we'll do things "someday." Well, somebody is here. The little boy who wrote this book is now a grown man, husband, father of 3, and business owner.
Let's talk about turning life upside down intentionally because we know that one side of life - our existing life - is done!
Inside Info: As I'm recording today's episode, it's July 17, 2022 (Sunday), and day 5 of COVID.
“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.” ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
“Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to.” ― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Sacrifice, in the context of what's happening in my life at the moment, is simply surrendering a possession. Sacrifice isn't throwing something away. Discarding is unburdening yourself from something. Willfully, maybe even joyfully, separating yourself from something. That's not sacrificing. That's easy. Sacrifice is hard.
The physical purge isn't the bodily kind, but it is physical. Specifically for us (me and my wife), it's about our house and our stuff. It's about over 4 decades of accumulation, gathering, storing, and collecting.
“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” — Leonardo da Vinci.
“A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes, it feels pretty rational to me. But mostly, it feels glorious. Liberating. Easier.
The problem is the process is anything but liberating. Or easy. Or glorious. It's hard, difficult, arduous, and drudgery! I hate it because it's so hard. Everything is hard until it's easy. Do you know when it gets easy?
When you start.
“Don’t make the process harder than it is.“ — Jack Welch
Jack was a brilliant guy. I was a fan.
Early last week I contracted COVID. We're weeks into purging our house to prepare for what might come next. I only mention that because it created only a slight adjustment in my schedule, likely providing me with new opportunities to come in contact with the virus. Rhonda and I have both managed to steer clear of it. Until now. She's still negative, thankfully.
I bought a dolly from Sam's Club. A dolly that likely had been handled by dozens of filthy hands before I laid my mitts on it. You can never really know, but it's a decent working theory. Besides, it's an opportunity to declare that I went to get a dolly and came home with a dolly...and COVID. And suddenly, my purging came to a halt. Kinda sorta.
COVID issues didn't completely stomp things down for us because Rhonda continued to list things for sale, go through various areas of the house and I engaged in moments (and I do mean, moments) of lugging stuff from one spot to a different spot. I leaned into my loss of appetite to lean up physically. In the first 4 days, I figured I consumed about 1,000 calories. I found myself within 20 pounds of a goal weight I've had for the past decade. We'll see if I can follow Jack's advice and not make the process harder than it is.
Sacrifice. Throwing something away.
The difference isn't the next destination of the thing, but in the value you place on the things you're parting with. So it doesn't matter if you're selling them, donating them, or trashing them.
In 2018 Bruce Springsteen did an interview where he discussed his mental health challenges. Referring to a 1982 incident that happened while he was driving across the country, he stopped in Texas. Something happened. He's not quite sure what. Or why. But he had a mental break. He said this about the experience, "All I know is as we age, the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier… much heavier. With each passing year, the price of our refusal to do that sorting rises higher and higher."
Physical stuff (baggage) and emotional stuff (or mental baggage) both weigh us down. And quite often, they're connected. People ascribe emotions and feelings tethered to possessions. For me, the more I've sacrificed - surrendered - physically, the more liberating it's been mentally and emotionally.
As I began purging weeks ago some things were easy to part with. I didn't even think much about it.
I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. - Francis Bacon It's a common viewpoint. We're surrounded by people younger and older. Never mind those younger folks. Concentrate on the older ones and you realize, "I'm not so old." What you fail to understand is that you may be deluded. ;)
One of my favorite quotes about age is by E.W. (Edgar Watson) Howe, a journalist, writer, and novelist. In 1919 he published Ventures in Common Sense, so you know he was our kind of guy. A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact. - E. W. Howe
Neil Young was in his mid-20s when he wrote and recorded the song, Old Man. Now, he's 76 and officially old. He's likely far older than the old man who was the caretaker on the ranch he bought back in the early 1970s. "24 and there's so much more." But you never know. Plenty of musicians - and others - have never made it to old age.
Another great song about old folks is by Five For Fighting.
Father's Day was a few weeks back. It was the 70th Father's Day for my dad who will turn 99, Lord willing, in September.
Rapper Valee (no, I do not listen to rap, but I found this quote by him, which tickled me)..."I'm an old man. A big weekend for me is Home Depot and a Caesar salad."
I looked it up and he's only 33. I don't know the context of the quote. I can't imagine a hip-hop rap artist incorporating those sentences into a song though. But I'm old. What do I know?
We're talking about old men 'cause I'm not an old woman. Have you seen this hubbub with Matt Walsh, who did a documentary, "What Is A Woman?" It's a fascinating thing to behold and proves how far modern culture has descended into...well, I don't even have a word for whatever it is, but it's not good. It certainly isn't wise or helpful.
I know what a woman is, but I'm not one so I can't claim a full understanding of that perspective. I have been married to a woman for going on 45 years. So I've got that going for me!
Jon Buscall is a friend from Sweden. He's a photographer. And a worthwhile Twitter follow as evidenced by this tweet.
I will prepare, and one day my time will come. - Abraham Lincoln Case in point Camille Vasquez, the breakout attorney who represented Johnny Depp in his defamation trial against Amber Heard. She's 37 and according to the collective legal community, she was given some unprecedented opportunities during the trial to cross-exam witnesses and make closing arguments. Those responsibilities are typically given to partners. A week after the trial concluded, Vasquez became a partner. Some speculate it was to retain her because others were attempting to lure her to their firm. So it goes when you do well with a high visibility opportunity!
What we've not seen are the hours of pursuing the opportunities. Law school. Study groups. Bar exam. Research. More research. Grunt work. More grunt work. Wondering if your time will ever come. Doubt. Fear. More time spent wondering if this will ever be what you dreamed it would be. And then it happens. Maybe out of the blue. Maybe not. But your time comes.
Some aren't prepared. Or they fail.
It happens.
We're hardcore OU Sooner fans. The hazards of being born in Oklahoma. This isn't football season, but weeks ago the Women's College World Series (softball) happened. After OU won their way to the championship series, Oklahoma State University fans watched their team lose both semi-final games to Texas, thanks in part to a moment of errant defensive play that resulted in multiple runs by Texas. Even as an OU fan I couldn't help but feel for the players involved in the OSU mishap. Their time had come and they couldn't all handle it successfully.
We all know this firsthand. It's been true in our own lives.
Was it Texas? Was it the bigness of the moment? Or was it life? Or something else?
Likely it was all of those things - and many more things. But I know what it wasn't. It wasn't the universe. It wasn't fate. It wasn't "meant to be."
Being unprepared won't work out well. But being prepared is no guarantee for success either.
Today's show was sparked by a headline. No, it wasn't 57 things, but it was 25...or some weird number of things you should think about selling if you're preparing to retire. I found the list a bit odd and decided to hash it out with you. No, you don't have to be preparing to retire. Maybe you just want to shake things up, improve things, declutter or simplify your life - or something else. There are bound to be lessons here to fit whatever situation you're in.
I've got more episodes "in the can" than ever before. It's unprecedented for me here at LTW. Today's show was recorded in the wee hours of the morning. Today. So I decided to hit the publish button. It seemed fitting for a week before our nation celebrates independence and freedom - two things I’m thankful for. Thanks for clicking that play button. Capitalism - an economic and political system in which a country's trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit, rather than by the state Practitioners and supporters of capitalism are capitalists. I've long declared myself a capitalist. Supporting industry controlled by private owners rather than the government is the foundation of why I'm a capitalist. Capitalism is also based on fair (high integrity) competition and merit. High integrity is often absent, but it's also absent in socialism, communism, and all other isms - many based on philosophies opposed to competition and merit.
Don't confuse capitalism with consumption or consumerism. They're somewhat tied together, but it's a chicken versus egg thing. If I open up a business on Main Street selling custom-made T-shirts, the buying public - the market - will determine whether I make it or not. Sure, I'm in control of many variables, including my costs, my marketing, my location, my pricing, and more. But if I fail to get any customers, I'll fail. The market will make a loser out of my custom-made T-shirt business.
Entrepreneurs find needs and fill them. Or try to.
Sometimes entrepreneurs see a need that really isn't a need. The market says so by refusing to buy their solution.
Sometimes entrepreneurs see a need that really is a need, but their execution or timing is poor. They fail.
Sometimes entrepreneurs see a need, fill that need effectively and people buy. Perhaps in droves.
Should The Individual Have The Power To Choose?
Yes. Those who lean toward the left of the political spectrum seemingly place a high value on governance and legislation. That is, state imposition to encourage people to do what they feel is best. Those who lean toward the right of the spectrum seemingly place a higher value on the options and choices of the individual. Much of the debate focuses on whether or not the individual has the capacity or self-discipline to do what should be done - or what some think would be best.
The simple version of the quandary is that if the power and freedom reside with the individual, then each individual has the ability to get it wrong. Or right. The point is whether or not their choice is legislated, but whether or not their choice will fit within the context of the greater good of society. So a person who decides that a life of theft will be their choice now faces societal consequences imposed by the government, whose task is to punish "evil-doers." 1 Peter 2:14 "or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right." It's the very reason God ordained earthly governments.
Humans have the capacity to love. Having that choice necessarily means we have other choices. We don't have to love something. Or somebody. We can choose alternatives between love and hate. And within the scale of love or hate - or anything in between - we can choose degrees. The extremes can be chosen or something more moderate. It's up to us. Each of us.
So It Goes With Our Money Decisions
Individual choice is optimal. It's also how God created us - with free will. free will, in philosophy and science, the supposed power or capacity of humans to make decisions or perform actions independently of any prior event or state of the universe Simply put, free will is our ability to make up our own minds. For this conversation, that means how we spend our money.
Many choices impact others. Maybe every choice we make impacts somebody else. I'm not smart enough to figure that out, but it's clear that if we're financially irresponsible then we're a burde...
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg Mitch was witty. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey Jack Handey is a real person. A Texan. A funny guy. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” —Anonymous I can attest that this is true. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous Proof that Anonymous is the most clever of all people. Besides, I've told you that Anonymous gave us my all-time favorite quote... "Everything is hard until it's easy!" Age. Experience. Wisdom. The trio of brilliance. Or something. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” —George Burns Today's show is about chasing our dreams. Mostly, I think it's about figuring out whether or not we want to conclude the current chapter of our life. Until we decide we want to end this chapter, no point in crafting a new chapter. Then we have to decide how we want to conclude this chapter. How do we want it to end? The focal point comes next - are we sure we want to begin a new chapter? And what do want that chapter to look and sound like?
It's not easy work. But it's doable.
An unplanned episode, but it's how I roll. Well, it's how I'm flowing these days. Speaking of flowing, let's talk about cash-flowing life.
No matter how old or young we are we can all benefit from a bit of sober thought about our lifestyle, our incomes, our investments, our expenses, and our financial welfare.
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. – Henry David Thoreau How did you grow up viewing money? Making it and spending it?
I suppose all of us have a relationship with money based largely on how we grew up. I don't pretend to be a financial expert, but I do have a view - and a relationship with MONEY.
Dr. Riley Moynes is a Canadian who spends part of his life in a Florida golfing community. He's a successful author of a groundbreaking financial planning book, The Money Coach (first published in 1995). A one-time educator, Riley devoted himself to financial services and wealth management. He retired from the investment business and now focuses on helping people squeeze all the juice out of retirement.
In the video, Dr. Moynes shares insights he learned post his own retirement. In the coming days, I'm going to bring you a recorded conversation with Dr. Moynes, but for now, I wanted to give you access to how he now approaches retirement - mostly a focus on a stage of life based on age rather than on whether or not people continue to earn money.
I especially enjoy his view of the difference between an actuary and an accountant. ;)
Enjoy!
What are you pursuing? What would you like to pursue, but maybe you're afraid?
Me? One item I'm pursuing is an upgrade for The Yellow Studio - the new Rode Rodecaster Pro II. Isn't it gorgeous? :D
Today's show is about pursuing dreams, chasing ambitions, and achieving our ideal outcome. But it's mostly about the role we play in serving others as they pursue their ideal outcome!
Some folks enjoy raining on other people's parades. Others of us rather enjoy a good parade. The last thing we want to do is diminish the frequency or power of a good parade.
The headline was clearly meant to tempt me to click it. So I did. But I didn't read it...until I hit the record button. 29 Careless Ways Retirees Waste Money Let's see how well this list was curated.
I also give a shout-out to a golfer in today's show. Shocking, since I don't golf. But I love rather love golf courses. Especially the ones inside Hot Springs Village.
“The wise adapt themselves to circumstances, as water molds itself to the pitcher.” – Chinese Proverb Things change. Sometimes quickly.
A phone call wakes you. Middle-of-the-night phone calls are never good. Dream jobs aren't offered at 3 am. Sweepstakes winners aren't awakened with the news.
Suddenly your life is different. How different depends on the news at the other end of the phone.
There was a pre-phone call ideal outcome. Now there's a post-phone call ideal outcome. They don't likely resemble each other. “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” – George Bernard Shaw Other changes - even sudden ones - may not be as dramatic. Or devastating.
But they can still prompt a change in direction. A change in motivation. A change in our ideal outcome.
Have you ever wanted something so badly it consumed you? You thought of it often. You planned. Strategized. Committed yourself to figure it out. Then something changed. A circumstance. A new situation. A new challenge. A new opportunity.
Maybe suddenly, maybe not - your passion diminished. The passion for pursuing that ideal outcome weakened. Maybe it even evaporated.
Because you now have a new ideal outcome. You changed your mind. You adjusted. Adapted. To new information, a new situation or something that prompted you to see things differently. “Change before you have to.” – Jack Welch Some dreams die. Others change.
New dreams are born. Maybe. But new directions undoubtedly emerge...dream or no.
What do you most want when it comes to an outcome?
Why?
Are you in this alone or does your ideal outcome involve or include somebody else?
Age, experience, insight, wisdom. These things matter. But their counterparts do, too. Youth. Inexperience. Lack of insight. Foolishness.
That's why ideal outcomes are personal. Johnny Deep's ideal outcome would be a massive multi-million dollar judgment against Amber Heard. Ms. Heard's ideal outcome would be a massive multi-million dollar judgment against Johnny Deep. One or both are going to be horribly disappointed. Maybe one of them will do a celebration dance when this ordeal is over. Maybe both will leave the courthouse slumped shouldered and weeping. Or screaming. That seems more their habit. ;)
Ideal outcomes can be influenced by life's circumstances, too. Professionally I've pursued and sought after a number of outcomes that happened...and many that didn't. In retrospect, some of the failures served me well because the circumstances changed. Drastically in some cases. If your ideal outcome is an egg sunny side up, but the shell never break and the egg is boiling in water...well, bad news. You won't be eating a sunny side up egg. But you'll have a hard-boiled egg. You might want to make it a deviled egg. But it most certainly will never be a sunny side up egg! And you might find that's to your advantage. I'll bet you could tell us all about one time - likely more - where that happened to you.
I never wanted to be in business. I wanted to write. To speak. To communicate stories. But I fell in love with music and that method of storytelling. Some kids grabbed guitars or sat at pianos or drumsets. Their ideal outcome was to learn to play. My ideal outcome was different. The urge to play an instrument never dawned on me, except in some wishful thinking kind of way. "Wouldn't it be great if I could play the guitar reasonably well?"
Instead, I most wanted to listen to music. My passion was enjoying the performance of others. But my passion for listening to music led me to walk in cold to a local hi-fi store and ask for a job selling stereo gear, something I'd never done before. It seemed like a good idea 'cause I knew a lot about stereo gear even though I didn't own any good stuff. I loved music and the equipment that would faithfully play the records I loved. It was just something I loved. I was a teenager. I never intended it to become a career. But it did.
Archie Karas appeared on the YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly. The two sound clips from Archie's appearance on that web show provoke today's conversation about two words: expectation and desire. Today's show is a special - unplanned - episode. I hope you enjoy it.
Today's show was provoked by watching Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger conduct the 2022 Berkshire Hathaway stockholders' meeting. Well, that and getting older. There's a good reason why "Hey, get off my lawn" is attributed to old guys. ;)
Today's show is about YOU. Helping you through whatever you're going through right now.
Whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s --- or whether you're younger or older than that...you're going through something right now. Probably a number of things!
Recorded in the early morning hours of Monday, May 16, 2022, today's show has just one aim: to help you figure out what's next. Just the very next step.
It's about making a decision, then acting on that decision. I hope this episode is helpful.
Daily news is scary.
Really scary.
Real estate news.
Tax news.
Gas prices news.
Inflation.
Short supplies.
Healthcare.
Moral decay.
Cancel culture.
Deep fakes.
Personal finance.
Career.
Scary is everywhere! Everywhere.
As a little kid one particular movie on TV scared me, Bunny Lake Is Missing.
Encore.org is an organization I've been aware of for about 10 years now, thanks to an author who wrote a book I'm fond of - Marci Alboher. The book, published in 2007, was before Ms. Alboher was involved in Encore. I'm a fan of the book: One Person / Multiple Careers: The New Model For Work/Life Success. Here's an explanation from the Encore website: Encore.org was founded on the belief that the aging of America isn’t so much a problem to be solved as it is an opportunity to be seized. For 20 years, we’ve worked to change cultural expectations for the years beyond 50 and spark a movement around second acts for the greater good. In our own second act, we bring older and younger changemakers together to solve problems, bridge divides, and co-create the future. I'm at the encore phase of life. Truth be told, I've been at the encore phase for years! And it can be scary. No, it is often scary.
When you're determined to cash flow your life - and I am - it's both scary and invigorating. Scary because like everybody else - and everything else - it's largely unpredictable. We aim for an ideal outcome with the realization that there are going to be challenges we know nothing about. Add those to the known challenges and it's enough to make a body want to stay in bed all day!
What's going to happen with this economy? Interest rates are on the rise reaching new heights that an entire generation (or two) have never seen. Me? I've had a 14% mortgage before - and that was with an excellent credit score. But I've not seen anything like this - uncontrolled inflation, abundant supply of money, limited supply of products, out of control demand for almost everything. It's an intersection of things that don't make sense to me. Scary.
We're all afraid of something.
We're all going through something.
And we're all just trying to figure it out.
I hope to be helpful as you make your journey.
P.S. It was 9 years ago today when I lost my lifelong best friend, Stanley. I won't belabor it today because I've talked about him here enough I suspect.
There are many personality assessments - and other kinds of "tests" that can help us better understand ourselves. Hubspot has a nice list of them.
Maybe our differences aren't so much the issue. Maybe there's something else that needs our attention.
This week I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger so rather than take the week off I fired up the webcam and recorded a show exclusively for the folks in our little Facebook group. If you'd like to see it, then go here and answer an easy question and I'll likely let you inside. It's a 36-minute episode that's mostly about regret!
I registered the domain - ZoomingOut.com - on May 22, 2004. It had nothing to do with photography - or my video conferencing platform of choice. Instead, it was focused on our attempt to see a bigger picture as a means of seeing the finer details. There never was a website at that address. I still own the domain, although it's been for sale at a fairly high price for a while. I'm not anxious to sell it or get rid of it, but a person can only actually use so many domains and I already have too many (even though I've gone through one major purge about 2 years ago). I suppose I'm due another purging.
Zooming Out was a phrase I first wrote down in early 2004 for reasons I don't remember. My best recall is people were likely talking about narrowing in on things and that whole inability to see the forest for the trees was something I've battled in others all my life. While I'm very detail-oriented, I've mostly been frustrated by folks who can get intensely focused on the bark on a tree that they're unable to see anything larger. It was my experience with such types that caused me to craft a sentence that I've lived by professionally for much of my life - "If everything is important, then nothing is important." In other words, if we're not able to prioritize and acknowledge that at this moment, something is more important than anything else, then we'll chase every tangent that comes along deluded into thinking it all matters equally. I've never found any situation in life - personally or professionally - where that's true.
I’ve spent countless hours trying to help myself and others look at the bigger puzzle that we're all trying to put together. My conviction - and experience - have proven that knowing we're attempting to assemble a 1000 piece puzzle of a seascape can help us better figure out where any single specific piece may fit. And that's largely how we may be able to best figure things out, including ourselves.
In the mid to late 80s a Ph.D. consultant in San Francisco named Jan Halpern wrote a book based on research she had done about successful men. The book was entitled, "Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men." I've still got my copy and think of the book often - so much so, I'll pick it up pretty regularly to go back through various sections of it.
On page 49 is a section titled, "QUESTIONING THE ETERNAL TRUTHS." Sure, it's a bit click baity - written before the Internet and clicks were even a thing - but she makes some grand points.
She writes... There are many intellectual and emotional barriers that must be broken through, reevaluated and discarded before you can become comfortable in your own skin. I suggest you begin to question the messages and premises you have been raised with that prevent you from knowing your private self. By challenging these "eternal" truths, many have come to reject the notion that men don't feel. Moreover, doing so has helped them to alleviate the haunting emptiness and confusion that plagued their moments of solitude. Let me make an allowance here that while the author's research was specifically on successful men, much of it has a broader application.
It began as a market research project in 1977 and wound up involving some four thousand men who operated within leadership roles of Fortune 500 companies. Even the author acknowledges in the preface of the book that it could apply to some women, but she focused on men. And I'm not so interested in the details of her research for today's show - or the fact that it's solely about men. I'm coming at it in true Zooming Out fashion looking at a bigger, broader picture of all of us - as humans.
After all, here were are in 2022 at a place I never thought we'd be. A place where people can't or are afraid to even define what it is to be a woman (see Matt Walsh's appearance on The Dr. Phil Show). A place where people feel pressured to insert pronouns to which they "identify." Well,
We were young adults, maybe 20 or so, when it became a common refrain among us. "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." We'd chuckle, but it was true. Sadly, it was mostly just a humorous comment and not some moment of newly found determination. We never attempted to improve our circumstances. Rather, we just chuckled at poking fun at how our lives were going.
It wasn't that we didn't want to improve, but we didn't do much in the way of affecting change. Talk is cheap. And we were really cheap!
I've been down. I've been out. And I've discovered that when you hit bottom you're not necessarily done. There are always new lows you knew nothing about standing ready to show you firsthand, "Here we are!"
The myth is persuasive. Wrong, but persuasive. Like all the deep fakes that infiltrate our brain daily (if not hourly). We see stories and believe them to be true. Never mind that it's an illusion propped up behind some insecure, fear-filled idiot behind a keyboard who has less of a clue about things than we do. And we know we're stupid! ;) Bigger is better. And so is more. No, it's not. There's enormous value in small, powerful, and profitable endeavors. Mostly, there's value in small, powerful, and profitable steps toward improvement. That's the point of today's show, but such steps don't get taken until we reach our "enough is enough" point.
We're just one big break away. One bit of luck that will change everything.
I was in my teens when I started selling stereo gear at a local hi-fi shop. No sales experience other than going from house to house in the neighborhood asking people if I could mow their lawn for $10. I quickly learned, as a straight commission salesperson (which means I earned nothing unless I sold something), salespeople can behave like gamblers, always thinking "the next one" will be the big one. Even more quickly, I learned there is no next big one. There was some moronic, delusional fantasy that the Universe would bend to our need for the next sale to be a big one that paid high commissions. Why would the Universe care that I wanted a new set of wider tires for my car? Fact is, the Universe not only lacks concern for such things, but mostly the Universe has no say in the matter. Shoppers did. And if shoppers came in the store they certainly didn't want new tires for my car. They had their own desires and if I wasn't able to help them get what they wanted, well, see ya later new tires!
I had read and re-read Dale Carnegie's book, "How To Win Friends & Influence People." I knew the truism he taught about helping others get what they want. Some guy in Dallas with a funny name would come along later and make it one of his more famous quotes... You can have everything in life you want if you will just help other people get what they want. – Zig Ziglar Never one to fawn over those "motivational" speaker types, I was skeptical from the get-go about all that. And I was smart enough to know absolutes are dangerous, so when Zig told me I could have EVERYTHING IN LIFE I WANTED...well, I knew it made for a powerfully good quote, but I also knew it was complete rubbish. ;)
But by the time I turned 17 I absolutely knew, as a salesperson, that I had to deliver what shoppers most wanted in order to achieve whatever financial goals I might have. So I quickly realized it wasn't merely about helping others get what they want, it was - at least for me as a hi-fi sales guy - about helping shoppers get whatever they wanted in a stereo system. If, like me, they wanted wider tires for their car, well, I wasn't going to be much help. But if I wanted wider tires for my car - and I did - then I knew my path forward was in helping them get whatever they wanted in a hi-fi setup. Context matters.
That path forward was a fast lesson for me. And I wish I were better at remaining disciplined about it, but I haven't been.
Looking at somebody else makes it seem so easy. So clear.
As much as I'd love to be completely transparent, there's just so much that would be improper about it. So I'll give you the broad brush of it.
There hasn't been a physical death, but the carnage is deep and vast. It's personal. It's family. And it's been going on a long, long time. A slide. An erosion. Lots of pain. Lots of suffering. Lots of preoccupation with the loss. But no control because we can't (nor should we) control other people.
I rounded the corner of closing out February 2022, realizing that sorrow and grief have preoccupied me for going on four years. Fact is, I've been grieving for many, many months, but something happened (I don't know what) and one day I decided to draw the proverbial line in the sand. "April is going to be the month I fully devote to my grief, then I'm going to emerge with a new - albeit less whole - normal."
Well, life gets in the way. Even of planned grieving.
Sorrow and grief are odd things. They impact us in unique ways to us. Processing emotions isn't something you can necessarily generalize.
VIA Survey - mentioned in today's show - click here: https://www.viacharacter.org/surveys/takesurvey
My number one character trait is forgiveness. Here's what the folks at VIA say about it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2022. An update sparked by recent random thoughts. Consider this a bonus/special episode 'cause it was completely unplanned...until I watched a YouTube live stream of a governing body meeting where people seemed largely driven by...well, I'm not sure what drove them. Suffice to say, the behavior wasn't exactly exemplary. ;)
Enjoy!
Do you worry about impressing people? How much do you worry about it?
There's a balance, don't you think? A healthy balance seems necessary. Too far in one direction and you're self-absorbed. Too far in the other direction and you're fearful to do anything.
Let's talk about it and think about how we may be able to lean more into wisdom...and further away from our own foolishness.
Thank you for listening.
Monday, March 28, 2022. I don't feel well. At all. But sometimes you just have to talk through some things. So welcome to my efforts to talk through it today.
I didn't plan this as a special episode, but here it is - a show released on Monday. Don't get accustomed to it.
When I began working as a teenager, I quickly realized most of my learning was going to be in reverse. I learned how not to do things by seeing them done poorly. The tyrannical boss taught me what not to do if I wanted to pursue high performance. It would be many years later, mostly by books at first, then by using life as my own laboratory before I'd learn things in a more positive fashion.
This formula works effectively in lots of areas. For instance, you can ask somebody what they want and deal with lots of hesitation as they attempt to figure it out. Or, you ask them what they don't want and instantly get a lengthy answer. Turns out we can more easily identify what we don't want. Or things we hate. Or things we know won't work.
That's why I decided to craft today's show by looking at the negative. By looking at marriage in reverse rather than leaning into a more positive approach. I suspect we'll all be able to flip the script during the episode and figure out how we might be able to improve our marriages - if we're even interested in such things.
This is far from an exhaustive list. Try to add to it. Use your imagination. Or your own real life, if it applies. I hope it doesn't, but the reality is many marriages are in serious trouble. Others are just there, like a tepid pool of water.
You can read a ton of information about marriages, including what makes for great marriages. And why marriages fail. I started to link up all the many sites I visited in preparation for this episode, but the list is so extensive...I'd suggest you just Google whatever interests you, then devote however many hours you'd like to the effort. You'll become exhausted before you exhaust your search results.
Permit me to offer you this preface - some of these ways are generic and others are more specific. The goal is to provoke you to elevate your willingness to help your marriage become great. If you're unwilling, then prepare for the worst. Our willingness is trait number 1, required for success in anything, including our marriages.
- Don't initiate. If your spouse doesn't initiate, just wait until they do. And if they don't, well, that's how life will be.
Here's a major generic way to wreck your marriage. It applies to EVERYTHING.
- Stop having fun. Stop showing off.
We're prone to stop wooing our spouse. That includes showing off - not just something men do, but women, too. Being comfortable is a great thing. Complacency isn't.
- Stop kissing each other good morning and good night.
Just stop it altogether really. Sometimes it happens for a variety of reasons, but I suspect they're all selfish. Truth is, selfishness is the biggest enemy to our marriages. But it happens. Sometimes. Or all the time. We get to choose how often - or how little.
- Give up. Stop caring.
Resign yourself that this is how it's gonna be and there's little to nothing you can do about it. Give up.
Bonus ones mentioned:
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Judge your spouse on your default behavior, not theirs.
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Never apologize or admit you're wrong.
Thanks for listening,
“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.” ― Samuel Adams Tyranny costs everybody, including the tyrant. Let's talk about it.
The video I refer to is around the 20-minute mark in the overall video above.
Here's the link to the playlist I mention: In Thy Paths
Simplicity helps. Let's define "greatness" as success. You can establish that for yourself, and define it however you'd like. For me, it's about being extraordinary, remarkable, and dazzling. And as far as enemies go...well, it'd be nice if there were only one - distractions - but there are many. No sooner do we overcome one, than like a hydra - 8 more pop up, but distractions encompass a ton of them. Complacency encompasses a ton more and I might be able to argue that complacency is a distraction, too. Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody thinks about changing himself. - Leo Tolstoy I'd make a small edit to that.
Everybody wants to change their world - their outcome - but they may not be willing to change themselves. In short, most of us want a different outcome without having to alter anything we do. We'd prefer to keep doing what we're most comfortable doing hoping our outcomes will magically improve. They won't. They don't.
You know me, I'm a phrase guy. A word guy. It's how we convey thoughts and ideas. A major way we communicate.
Being competitive. That's an important phrase that I think is too frequently viewed negatively as though we mean our victory rides on the back of somebody else's defeat. But that's not true when it comes to us being our best - or trying to be. Our success doesn't rob us of any victory.
We have to grow our competitive stamina.
I wish I weren't so distracted, but I am. And I know it shows. Which is why today - like most days - I'm preaching to myself first. And hoping you find some value.
Psalm 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; Yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his seed begging bread."
I wrote it down in 2014. I'm not going to do it justice today, but it's what's on my mind. Kinda sorta.
Mostly, I'm gonna scatter-shoot a bit by sharing the kinds of questions I continue to get. Hint: they've not changed much through the past 20 plus years that I've been doing this podcast. I think I'll have to revisit this title and do a much better job later!
P.S. I found the page that does have some affiliate links, etc. It's HERE.
James Frank Dobie was born in Live Oak County, Texas in 1888. He was a writer who focused on folklore. He once wrote... "There are just three essentials to a good story; humanity, a point, and the storyteller."
Between 2005 and 2015 podcasts were likely to go just 12 episodes before fading. Since then I'm fairly certain the number of episodes before podfading has shrunk. Stick-to-it-ive-ness strikes almost every human endeavor. Including podcasting, which is largely a platform for digital storytelling. Starting is easy. Staying with it isn't.
Why do so many podcasters quit?
Why do so many people quit anything?
Because quitting is easier than sticking around.
Because the focus required to have a point in a story is the focus required to make a go of something. Anything. Like that friend who rambles when telling a story...he hops down every bunny trail all along the way. It exhausts us. It distracts us from whatever point he may be hoping to make. “Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.” ― Zig Ziglar I regularly catch myself asking people to go back in a conversation. They begin to tell a story when some point of the story reminds them of a detour, which they happily take. Minutes later I say, "What about that first story you started telling? What happened?" To which they'll respond, "Oh, yeah..." and then continue to finish that first story.
We all struggle with focus...some more than others.
Staying on point is one thing. Having a point is something else. But both share the same DNA.
Time management is always popular. Largely ineffective, but popular.
How did you spend the last week?
What did you do with the 168 hours of last week?
It wasn't last week, but it was a couple of weeks ago - Rhonda and I took a trip. A getaway. To our favorite place for such retreats, Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. I love it so much I decided to do a podcast about the place almost a year ago - Hot Springs Village Inside Out.
There's a particular place in Louisiana we enjoy going to just get away, too. And like this favorite place in Arkansas, it's not a place with much excitement or a long list of things to do if you're looking for exciting nightlife or high-level entertainment (whatever that may be). The fact is, Rhonda and I are not attracted to such places.
There's some history in both areas. A few plantations to see in Louisiana. Old southern live oak trees to marvel. Imagination to spark at how difficult life must have been for the slaves of early America. Gangster legacies in Arkansas. Miles of trails. Waterfalls. Big, big trees.
Stroll the grounds of old Louisiana plantations and see how the slaves lived. Well, more accurately try to imagine how they lived. I remarked to my wife on our last trip, "Our very worst day is vastly better than their very best day." It's not hard to be grateful in those moments. Focus was easy as I looked around a place I had visited before - and where I had always had similar thoughts. Thoughts of how hard life once was in early America. Thoughts of how even the plantation owner's family endured a harder life than the average American does today. And slaves? Well, it's unimaginable to me how tough life was.
Getting away from our routine can do this for us. Focus us. Help us concentrate on things that may be more important than the seemingly urgent matters that often consume us.
While on a Louisiana trip I did a podcast via my iPad - something I never do, but it was my only option at the time. It was another podcast I was doing at the time with a co-host. In the episode, which had a thanksgiving theme, we talked briefly about how as we approach a new year, people resolve to accomplish various things. Most will fail. They'll give up. I admitted that an ongoing challenge for me is focus. Specifically, narrowing down the focus on business ideas. I tend to have too many mental irons in the fire and it's p...
It's impossible to completely separate some areas of our lives from others. Are you good at compartmentalizing things? You know, not letting one thing or area of your life disrupt another area? It can be hard. I'm decent at it, but I'm far from world-class. Honestly, I worry a little bit about folks who can flip switches and just go about their business - either at home or work - as though everything is fine.
Let me explain. Throughout my life I've encountered quite a few people - some professionally and some personally - who've had some pretty tragic things happen. As a people watcher and observer, I'm often fascinated and puzzled by the person who can suffer tragedy in one area of their life, but in another area act as though everything is fine. It's weird to me. That goes way beyond compartmentalizing something, but let's talk about that - compartmentalizing.
When I compartmentalize something I'm able to not let that thing - something tragic, perhaps - not creep into a place where it doesn't belong. Let me give you two examples that may help you understand. The first example involves personal and work. I had what must have been a gall bladder attack over 10 years ago. It's the only time it's ever happened to me. We were at church and the afternoon service was about to begin. Suddenly, I got a sharp pain at the top of my stomach and began to feel sick. Not throw up sick, but breaking out into a cold sweat kind of sick. I told my wife I was going to go to the rest room and I got up. By the time I got to the back where the restrooms are located, I was feeling terrible. I went into the restroom shed my suit jacket, ripped off my tie and unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of my shirt. I was pouring sweat. No nausea or anything else...just this pain and profuse sweating. She rushed me to the ER. I couldn't keep my legs from pumping. The nurse asked me to describe the pain on a 10 point scale. I told her, "I don't know. A 3 or so." The ER nurse said, "Look at him he's writhing in pain. A three?" I remember thinking, "So this is what writhing is." Man, alive. I was sick as a dog. I wasn't in any kind of shape to answer a quiz, even if it was about how I was feeling.
Fast forward a bit and they've given me enough pain medicine to knock down an elephant (at least that's what they told my wife). I'm very resistant to pain medication. I'm laying there, legs still pumping and my cell phone rang. My wife reports that I instantly answered it in my normal voice and carried on some brief conversation with the person calling, never telling them I was in the ER writhing in pain. See, I told you I know how to compartmentalize! Okay, you want a better example? Let's try a professional example.
I've encountered many people issues. Sometimes leaders can see a single problem and assume there's something systemic going on. It's a pretty common response. I don't suffer that very much. Just because there's a problem with a person in one department doesn't mean there's a problem with everybody in the department. I once experienced a serious honesty breach with a manager. All the evidence pointed to the facts: a) he was guilty of this infraction, b) he was acting alone and c) he'd been doing it for much longer than I'd like to admit. I didn't have a hard time seeing it for what it was - an isolated act of betrayal by one employee. Weeks of quiet investigation didn't lead me to any other conclusions. In time, I handled the problem and terminated the employee.
I know business people who would have easily thought this was a wider spread problem. I didn't because I had no evidence that it went beyond this one employee. That's what I mean by compartmentalizing.
Why is that subject important? Because I'd like you to think about your life, your behavior. I've seen 3 basic types of people:
1) the people who compartmentalize with some magical switch where they can completely disconnect one area of life with other areas,
By the 1990s cell phones had become more commonplace. Never mind that they'd been invented for almost 2 decades by then. I don't remember when caller ID disrupted our phone usage, but it was a phenomenal development for me. "Wait a minute, what? I can know who is calling before I pick it up?" This is great!
Quickly, caller ID became a psychological barometer of sorts. It became my gauge for whether or not a person was helpful or harmful. Whether this incoming call was from somebody I really wanted to hear from or whether it was from somebody I dreaded interacting with.
Some months ago I did an episode entitled, Are You Helping Or Harming? That's not a recent question for me. I was sitting in a classroom in LSU wishing I was anywhere, but here - and longing to see Rhonda, who was about 11 hours up the highways in Ft. Worth - pondering that question as an 18 or 19-year-old. A professor provoked it. An arrogant, show-off psych professor who was entertaining, but quite the opposite of helpful.
His classroom was large and on the opposite side of the campus from any other class I had. No problem. I rode a bike to classes. From the first day of class when he informed the guys that they could bring him alcohol if they wanted to improve their grades to a statement that would surely get a professor fired today - "and you girls, well, you know what you can do." I instantly disliked him, but I loved the subject - psychology. Credit goes to him though for prompting my question, "Are you helping or harming?" He was doing both, simultaneously. In spite of it all, I enjoyed the class because I was then, and still am, very interested in psychology.
I'm also still intrigued by the choices people make that are dramatically opposed to one another. The man who can lavish affection and admiration on a woman he professes to love, then put his hands violently on her. The person who can whisper sweet nothings in one ear and profanely cuss into the ear of another. But aren't we all capable of it? I suspect we are.
As curious as that behavior may be the more puzzling behavior to me is the person filled with such hubris they lack empathy. People who are consistently harmful, but don't know it because they think you - and the rest of the world - can't possibly survive without their advice, criticism, and judgment. I'm unabashedly aware of my stupidity and ignorance. But I'm equally aware of my high degree of curiosity and my even higher degree of empathy. So much so that's it can be a problem for me. Asking stupid questions was never really a challenge for me because learning was more important than appearing smart or knowledgeable. Actually knowing beats appearing like I know. This is why, in part, I'm put off by people who know everything about everything. I've found people who don't seek understanding are the most critical people. I've been "blessed" to have a handful of such people enter my life --- and in most cases, I've frantically set about to get myself out of their sphere. Two such people occupied my life longer than I might have liked, but it couldn't be helped. So it goes.
I still use that caller ID test whenever I gauge whether or not I'm willing to allow somebody into my life - or how deeply I'm willing to let them in. If the caller ID shows a person's name and number, how do I feel? Am I excited to talk with them? Then I likely am willing to devote myself to that relationship. Do I dread talking with them? Then I'm not willing to advance the relationship, and I'm likely looking for ways to distance myself from them if I can. It's a test that so far hasn't failed me.
This is the wall at the entrance to The Yellow Studio. That sign in the middle was a gift from somebody who knows me well. ;) "Everyone brings joy to this office...some when they enter. Others when they leave."
I know there are people who have negative feelings about me. I'm completely good with it because I determined as a young man that I'd resol...
Yes, it's about wisdom because our lives are surrounded by and largely dictated by technology. From cell phones, to live streaming TV, to tablets, to laptops, desktops. Then there's tech in our cars (okay, maybe your car...mine is so old I don't have much tech, and that suits me fine).
It's a different episode today, prompted by an Apple iMac problem that has beleaguered me for the past few months.
Here are a couple of links you may want to check out:
How I podcast Inside The Yellow Studio now
There are some additional resources on my support page, too
Enjoy!
The Bodeans have been around a while. Since the mid-80s. In 1993 they came out with a record whose first track was the song, Closer To Free. Ironically, that song became the group's biggest hit even though it was part of an album the group decided to make for themselves. Tired of chasing hits, they figured they'd focus on the music they loved most. The result was that T Bone Burnett produced the album, Go Down Slow. I'm the guy who has every BoDeans record.
I listen to them regularly and some time back I started thinking about this particular song, Closer To Free.
Yeah Everybody wants to live how they wanna live and Everybody wants to love how they wanna love and Everybody wants to be closer to free And yeah yeah yeah Everybody wants respect Just a little bit And everybody needs a chance once in a while Everybody wants to be closer to free And yeah yeah yeah Everybody one everybody two everybody free Everybody needs to touch ya know now and then and Everybody wants a good good friend Everybody wants to be closer to free Alright I said everybody one everybody two everybody free! Everybody wants to live like they wanna live And everybody wants to love like they wanna love And everybody wants to be closer to free Yeah closer to free Yeah closer to free Closer to free And yeah and yeah yeah
For years I've listened to this song, but a few years ago when project Craving Encouragement bubbled to the surface, I made note of the one line in particular - everybody wants a good good friend. Begging the question, "What is a good good friend?"
What do you think?
Selfishness.
It's in all of us.
Some of us surrender to it.
Some of us battle against it.
Still, selfishness wins more than it should.
Young. Old. Guys. Gals. Doesn't matter. Selfishness isn't the sole domain of kids. Or old folks. We're all smitten with it.
It's why the Lord told people who would follow Him and become disciples that unless they surrendered their own self-will, they couldn't be his disciples. Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." That proverbial cross we must take up, if we're going to be Christians, is the cross of self-denial. It's not some special, unique-only-to-me sacrifice. It's the universal sacrifice required of anybody who would love God and obey Him. And it's not easy. Worth it? Of course. But not easy.
I'm a big fan of young people. And kids. Children.
Even though I'm now old I can remember being a kid. I'm empathetic with the challenges and struggles. Life goes from playing with Matchbox cars as a little kid to being a teenager struggling to figure out, "Now what?" The smallest things can seem enormous. A test. Homework. That girl I'm interested in. Youth - like age - is filled with drama. And largely because of our focus. On ourselves. It happens when we become the center of the Universe.
So many pains stem from our self-centeredness you'd think we'd more easily (and quickly) learn. But the curse of selfishness - in part - is that it perpetuates itself and grows the more we attempt to feed it. Trust me, your selfishness isn't any different from mine. It knows no bounds! There are always new heights - or depths - to our selfishness.
It's deadly because it doesn't feel dangerous. It doesn't seem like selfishness. To be self-focused and concerned mostly with ourselves doesn't feel the same as being selfish. We don't think of it like that either. Until we step back and start to closely examine it.
Why am I attracted to this?
Why am I attracted to this friend?
Why am I attracted to this behavior or activity?
The scripture is filled with the admonition to guard one's heart - that is, to protect your mind. We do that partly by concerning ourselves with the people in our life. The people we associate with matter.
In Proverbs 13:20, Solomon wrote: “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”
Those are divinely inspired (God-breathed) words, but mortal men have picked up on the truth of it.
"Show me your friends and I'll show you your future."
"Your life is determined by whom surrounds you."
"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Our companions matter. But so do the activities we engage in most. So do the decisions we consistently make.
That's why I jotted down the question... Why am I attracted to this? I'm not using attraction in the sense of somebody who may catch our romantic eye, although I'm not excluding that either. I'm using it in the broader sense of things we prefer. It includes people, friends, acquaintances, choices, decisions, actions, activities, and viewpoints. Honestly, it includes EVERYTHING we like or prefer.
Some people - and things - are destructive.
Other things - and people - aren't.
Still other people and things might be destructive under the right conditions.
Food, for instance, isn't destructive. It's vital. Without it, we die. But it can become destructive when we select the wrong kinds of food - and in the wrong quantities. Gluttony is sinful and destructive to our health. Fasting, depriving ourselves of food for a period of time, can be beneficial. But we must have food in order to live.
Smoking is destructive. Period. Under no circumstances is it good for us. Unlike food, it's always destructive.
Marital fidelity is always wise and good. Period. Under no circumstances is marital infidelity good.
Imagine.
In 2018 I started imagining something I'd never imaged before. I imagined having a second home, someplace I could retreat to. I had lived my entire life never thinking such a thing. I remember a time in my youth having a tough time imagining living on my own. ;)
I didn't have difficulty imagining...I just had never imagined having two residences, but for the past few years, I've mostly imagined that!
Before music, there were Matchbox cars. As a little boy, I collected Matchbox cars - back when they were realistic metal die-cast vehicles. Those were the days before Hot Wheels came out, those cartoonish brightly colored, but fast-moving plastic cars. I didn't like them nearly as well. They weren't realistic enough to suit me. Ironically, being realistic helped me imagine the small cities and streets I created on the sofa cushions as I maneuvered the Matchbox cars around. Matchbox got all my money as a little kid because with them I could create all kinds of things in my head.
Let's talk about starting an ideal outcome in your head and ending it in your performance!
Why do people climb a mountain?
Because it's there.
I don't climb mountains. I barely climb ladders. Heights are not my friends. Never have been.
I'm among the many people who view mountain climbers with a degree of admiration and bewilderment. Mostly, I think they're crazy. It would seem I have an aversion to death-defying feats. Yes, I'm weak. And afraid. #FradyCat
Even so, I can approach an escalator or long stairway and envision pulling some movie stunt of sliding down rather than taking the more pedestrian way down. Why? Because it's there. Like a curb or ramp, we'd always take while riding our bikes. I mean, it's there. I'm there. So why not, right? Meant to be.
Life is filled with such things.
Mud puddles that need to be stomped.
Snow that needs to be thrown in balls.
Ramps that must be jumped.
Basketballs that must be shot at a hoop. Or trash that must be wadded up and thrown from across the room for a proverbial 3-point shot buzzer-beater.
Why?
Because it's there. And somebody must do it.
Okay, I get that there's a huge difference in the north face of the Eiger and throwing a balled-up piece of trash into a trash can 20 feet away.
Let's see if we can figure it out. Or not.
He is Frank Watkinson, YouTube star. Frank and I first recorded for episode 4 of this year (2021). That was back on February 7, 2021. Today's conversation happened on Monday, December 20, 2021 - the same day Frank released this song, an original (see the video below).
You're sure to enjoy today's conversation. Happy Holidays to you and yours. Lord willing, I'll be back in 2022.
P.S. Frank, I don't think you look anything like Tony Robinson.
DO YOU WANT TO BE EXHAUSTING OR WOULD YOU RATHER PEOPLE GAIN ENERGY BY BEING AROUND YOU?
Coaching people to engage in proper behavior depending on the situation - reading the room - is growing. Likely because it's difficult for many people. Theories abound that it has to do with when a person was born and the world they grew up in. I'll subscribe to that notion. After all, you must realize that people entering the workforce today never lived in a world without the Internet and some form of social media. And they never lived in a world without texting and smartphones. It's bound to have an impact.
However, my work sometimes involves people in their 40s and 50s. So what do you say to that?
I'm still trying to figure it out and help my clients do the same. This much I know. People who handle most conversations by trying to inject humor with a joking demeanor are self-focused. 100% of the time I've found these folks are poor listeners and either clamoring for more spotlight OR they're uncomfortable and masking that discomfort by trying to be funny.
Sadly, they fail to understand how exhausting that is for the rest of the room. And how damaging it is to how they're perceived as unable to take anything seriously. It's not about being grave and not having a good time. It's being able to harness our ability to know when it's helpful to be one and avoid being the other. Time and place matter.
There's a time for levity. There's a time for a sober demeanor. It's why my "progression of leadership" was born many years ago. Humility is the foundation of the progression. Without that, there's no progression. Following humility is curiosity - which fosters more listening than talking (enter the person who is always intent on trumping your story). Curiosity is followed by knowledge. Those who ask questions learn things they didn't know before. Then comes understanding. That knowledge helps us now understand more (better). Then, the entire progress culminates in compassion, which is simply defined as "a focus on others."
And there you have it. The heart of the problem. Those who only engage in levity - or those intending to insert levity at every opportunity (including those inopportune moments) are focused on themselves. They're not thinking about you or the conversation or the situation.
Leaning toward wisdom is mostly our effort to lean further away from our own foolishness. And to know when we've behaving foolishly.
It's a very big question. And I may have misworded it. The last part at least. Maybe it's not about fixing everything. Maybe it's about making a big change - the one you most want to make. But I decided to go as big as I could with it. Mission accomplished I think.
What if you were just one decision away from fixing everything?
I'm somewhat obsessed with growth, improvement, and transformation. Mostly my own because I figure I've got so much room for it. It's not a humblebrag. It's reality. But I'm not alone. We've all got room for plenty of growth, improvement, and transformation.
It's not easy stuff. Highly uncomfortable. But worth it. The pressure to improve is more attractive to some than others.
I live in Dallas/Ft. Worth, but I'm an avid OU Sooner fan. I was traveling back home from a Thanksgiving trip when social media began reporting that OU football coach Lincoln Riley might be leaving Norman, Oklahoma heading to the University of Southern California. Riley had been a fixture in Norman for about 7 years, 5 of them as the head coach.
A few days later Brian Kelly left South Bend and Notre Dame to become the head honcho in Baton Rouge at LSU.
A week passed as Sooner fans anxiously waited to see who the next football coach would be. In the meanwhile, we were all pleased that Bob Stoops agreed to be the interim coach, willing to take the team to play Oregon in the Alamo Bowl.
Saturday evening, following the conference championship games, news began to spread fast that Brent Venables, D coordinator for Clemson for the past decade, and previous member of Bob Stoops' coaching staff, would be named the next OU football coach. Just about every fan suspected as much almost as soon as Lincoln Riley fled Norman.
You're not alright as you are!
You can be better. So can I.
That doesn't mean we berate ourselves. Or discount our value and worth. It just means we've still got work to do today. Then tomorrow, we'll have yet more work to do. And the day after that, and after that. Until we die. Until we run out of days.
Until we run out of days why should we run out of hope?
The potential future is the hope or the despair that afflicts us all.
Reflexive empathy is when you see someone experiencing emotional or physical trauma and you ‘feel their pain’ and will have a desire to relieve their suffering. But you can't help everybody. And you can't help just anybody. Sometimes you're just not the right person for the task. It takes experience and wisdom to figure that out.
I've gone on record that in my dozen years of professional coaching, I've had ONE person who I wasn't able to help because he just wouldn't let me. Closed off. Non-responsive. Non-communicative. Guarded. And over time I realized he was that way with everybody. Does that mean nobody can help him? I don't know, but I know I couldn't. Then again, life isn't over so I may never know if I helped him or not. But I can now live with it because it's not my life - it's his.
I know this much...there is only one person I can help, guaranteed. Me! The man in the mirror must be the number one candidate I try to help improve.
What if we're just one decision away from fixing everything?
What if we're just one decision away from wrecking everything?
What if?
“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.”
― Graham Greene, Ways of Escape The troubled writer is more than a stereotype. Many writers, and other creatives, are vexed souls looking for solace in the art like King Saul longing for the music of David.
Cause and effect can be tough to figure out. We shouldn't assume a correlation between the degree of vexation and creativity. I rather think we're all vexed and we're all creative. Some of us lean more toward one than the other. The human situation is both universal and uniquely individual.
The Graham Greene quote is from a book entitled, Ways of Escape. It's a terrible book, but the quote seems worthwhile. Maybe Mr. Greene wonders how people who aren't creative can manage to escape the human condition, but I view it a bit differently - in spite of how I titled today's show. For me, it's more about managing (dealing with; coping) the human situation with whatever tools we have. For me, it's writing and podcasting. In that order. But let's go ahead and acknowledge the elephant in the room as a Christian. Firstly, it's about managing the human situation through faith, which includes reading scripture, prayer, worship and the other blessings found only in Jesus Christ. Those actions have eternal consequences so they matter most. Beyond that are other endeavors including leaning on a spouse, as I lean on Rhonda.
Then...there's writing and podcasting. But there's also listening to music and reading. This means, at least for me, there's the consumption of information (learning something worthwhile) and there's creativity (creating something worthwhile). I suppose I'm always doing both at the same time, but there are some seasons or moments where I'm more focused on one over the other. It's hard for me to do one without the other though.
Escaping versus managing.
Avoiding versus dealing with it.
Running and hiding versus standing and facing it.
While I understand escaping - in whatever form it takes (running, hiding, avoiding, procrastinating, etc.) - I know it's foolish to lean into it. Better to face it, sort it out as best we can, and put in the work to figure out what our best options may be.
I'm helping a person who is faced with some realities that he'd rather not face. I get it, but I also know it's not helpful to run. He's scheduled this time with me to talk. Hoping to give him more sense of control - after all, it is HIS life, I say, "You're in charge of the conversation. Take this wherever you'd like. I'm here for you." Silence. He shifts nervously in his chair for what seems like minutes. I say nothing, letting the silence just sit on top of us for a bit. It's clear he's struggling with this flight response - I'm hoping he'll resist it and do the work to face it. "You're in control of this. Do whatever you want," I say. More silence. More shifting in his chair. He works up the words, "I want to end this call." He decides to run and I let him. I simply say, "Okay" and then end the call. It happens. People frequently decide to run. The problem is, the thing we're running from almost always catches us and overtakes us. I've yet to encounter a situation in my life where standing and fighting wasn't the better alternative. Sometimes the fight is nothing at all. It's simply staring down the problem. Other times it's a vicious knife-like fight where you're left bloody and exhausted. But even those fights are worthwhile compared to the alternative of running. None of us enjoy agony, but I suppose all of us prefer an abbreviated version a prolonged version. Running prolongs everything bad!
Besides, I've lived long enough to know that the man I'm attempting to help may stop running. Maybe not. It's up to him. Not me. When and if he stops running I'm confident he'll find a path forward.
Back when we had physical bookstores I'd frequent them. And spend lots of time prowling the aisles.
When I hit my 4th decade as a human I began to notice books about people who didn't achieve their greatest success while they were young. It was likely prompted by my realization that I was no longer young. It made me wonder if I had achieved my greatest success already. Or if the best was yet to come.
I'm still waiting to find the answer. As the saying goes, "Time will tell." Problem is, time is running out so I have to figure this out really quickly.
Some folks think it's best to peak, then walk away. Or come to the end. To peak just before it's over. The problem with that is reduced time to enjoy the peak. Or the experience of the peak.
But what is the peak anyway? Where is it? Would you know it if you even saw it?
Not likely. Because no matter how high you climb, there's always someplace higher.
At some point I jotted down a phrase in a notebook, "late-life lucky."
Eventually, I registered that domain. You can buy it if you want 'cause I doubt I'll do anything with it. Buy it today for just $1,100. It'll help me fund my current ideal outcome - to get a place over in Arkansas. No, it won't help me a tremendous amount, but every little bit counts when you're getting late in life and still searching for luck. ;)
Through the years I've dipped my toes into periods of study, reading, and pondering the randomness of things. Things like serendipity, timing, happy (or unhappy) accidents, and random chance.
Ecclesiastes 9:11 "I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."
God granted Solomon his desire to have wisdom. Coupled with divine inspiration, Solomon delivered some powerful insights about life. Truth. "...but time and chance happeneth to them all." Some have told me, "I don't believe in luck." To which I ask, "Define 'luck.'"
Then the conversation suddenly gets very quiet. Or defensive.
I've noticed there are two primary ways people tend to view luck. One is, "I don't have any good luck. I'm unlucky." The other is, "Luck had nothing to do with it. I worked hard."
Scientific American published a blog post in 2018 entitled, The Role of Luck in Life Success Is Far Greater Than We Realized. By the way, there are millions of Google results on website articles about luck and why successful people don't acknowledge the role luck plays. If you're bored and need a hole to dive down into sometimes, it's a pretty good one. ;)
Luck plays a much bigger role than we admit because - well, we'd prefer to think our brilliance is mostly to blame - not randomness or something other than what we control.
That Scientific American article contains these bullet points to illustrate the point that sheer talent and other personal traits aren't the only influencers on success:
About half of the differences in income across people worldwide is explained by their country of residence and by the income distribution within that country Scientific impact is randomly distributed, with high productivity alone having a limited effect on the likelihood of high-impact work in a scientific career The chance of becoming a CEO is influenced by your name or month of birth The number of CEOs born in June and July is much smaller than the number of CEOs born in other months Those with last names earlier in the alphabet are more likely to receive tenure at top departments The display of middle initials increases positive evaluations of people's intellectual capacities and achievements People with easy to pronounce names are judged more positively than those with difficult-to-pronounce names Females with masculine-sounding names are more successful in legal careers.
Back in November 2014 a new podcast was taking the world by storm. It was barely 2 months old at the time, but Serial, a new podcast from the creators of This American Life, hosted by Sarah Koenig, become the biggest podcast hit ever. Here's how their website describes the show... Serial will follow one story - a true story - over the course of a whole season. We'll follow the plot and characters wherever they take us and we won’t know what happens at the end of the story until we get there, not long before you get there with us. Each week we'll bring you the latest chapter, so it's important to listen in order, starting with Episode 1. In typical fashion of other extraordinary storytelling podcasts (like my all-time favorite, now retired show, The Story with Dick Gordon), Serial has superior production elements, but mostly a compelling story. It's Baltimore, 1999. Hae Min Lee, a popular high-school senior, disappears after school one day. Six weeks later detectives arrest her classmate and ex-boyfriend, Adnan Syed, for her murder. He says he's innocent - though he can't exactly remember what he was doing on that January afternoon. But someone can. A classmate at Woodlawn High School says she knows where Adnan was. The trouble is, she’s nowhere to be found. The case of this first season of Serial focuses on a single accuser named Jay. Jay tells police a story with vivid details about how Adnan murdered his ex-girlfriend, Hae. Without any DNA or other hard evidence, a jury quickly convicts him of first-degree murder. Is Jay telling the truth? What about the other testimony that came out during the trial. Sarah, the host of the show, reveals how so-called facts can be used and misused when accusations are made.
Is Jay a false accuser? Adnan is in a Maryland maximum-security prison. There's not much he can do about it other than continue to proclaim his innocence. Well, there's actually quite a lot more he can do inside his own head. He can grow increasingly angry, bitter, resentful, and cynical. Who could blame him? Why Do People Falsely Accuse? It's ancient going back to the beginning. According to the Genesis record of the Old Testament, the first false accusation was the devil, disguised as a serpent, lying about God to Adam and Eve. God warned them to not eat of the tree in the midst of the Garden, the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God pronounced the punishment, "Thou shalt surely die." With the insertion of one word - "not" - the devil falsely accused God by telling them they would not die. Since then, the number of false accusations is beyond our ability to compute. Christians understand the biblical truth that Christ was crucified on the basis of false accusations. The Bible says it was for envy.
In the Old Testament, the 9th commandment of the 10 is "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor" Then why do people do it?
I don't claim to be smart enough to know all the reasons, but I think we've all got quite a few good ideas based on our own experiences, the experiences of friends or family, and all the stories we've heard or read.
Judas betrayed Christ for some money. That continues to be a big player for some I think. Greed and covetousness are major drivers for lots of people. It's manifested in divorce courtrooms all across the world I suppose. And like that sound clip from Serial, people can use kernels of truth mixed in with gobs of deceit to spin an accusation that will play to their favor. In an ugly divorce battle where the husband wants to hang onto more of his wealth and the wife wants to gain more of it...both can amplify the negative behaviors of the other. Dollars drive deceit.
Finger-pointing isn't just child's play. Grown up's do it, too. All the stories we've seen on TV of the cellmate who enters a courtroom saying he heard a confession that never happened. He testifies against the defendant in exchange for a lighter sentence or some other benefit.
Words. Phrases. Lyrics. It's often the spark for ideas, questions, and conversation. Connection ensues. Communication isn’t the same as connecting. We communicate by speaking, writing, and body language. Communication is one person sending and one receiving. But that’s not connecting. Communication is aimed at intellectually understanding. Connecting is aimed at emotional understanding. That’s how relationships are built. And that's more often than not how these episodes are formed. Makes sense because Leaning Toward Wisdom is a collaborative endeavor. Do you think we’ve connected? Is there any emotional bond between us? As a listener to this podcast, I hope we've found some sort of connection. Otherwise, I doubt you'd be listening. Connection requires the people involved to get in. I got in on day one with you years ago when I started this podcast. I'm hoping you'll get in - if you haven't already - and contribute to making this Leaning Toward Wisdom connection work for you? It started with a conversation about kindness versus niceness. I've discussed that before so I won't dive too deeply into it again today except to point out that being kind is helpful, being nice is mostly about being polite - but not likely being very helpful. Which is where the conversation quickly went to with the question, "What's helpful? What's hurtful?" The context was challenging with kindness. Focusing in on the word "hurtful," I offered a counter. Let's make it harmful instead because it be hurtful to pour alcohol on a skinned knee of our child, but it's helpful. Harmful is something entirely different though. It's detrimental.
When you make your living by coaching people to higher performance you have to lean heavily into kindness because until people feel completely safe, you can't serve them. Safe means we know - with certainty - that people have our best interest at heart. They want us to succeed. They want us to thrive. They want us to grow. They're committed to helping and equally committed to avoiding harming us.
Being challenged isn't always fun, but when it's done in safety it's not harmful. Uncomfortable? Almost always. Putting us in a position where we're driven to think more deeply? Always. Giving us a choice of how to respond? Always.
As my friend and I talk about helping or harming it was clear we were really talking about some different scenarios and different kinds of people. There are times when people may think they're being helpful, but they're not. Times when people are disguising being harmful as helpful. Times when people may genuinely want to help, but go about it so poorly they harm.
I'm fond of how the British refer to coaching as being in the helping business. I think of myself as being in the helping business. I'd hate to think of myself as being in the harming business. Criminals are in the harming business. Immoral businesses are in the harming business. Sin businesses are in the harming business. Look around...there's an awful lot of profit and feverish activity in the harming business.
Last week I pointed out what's on my whiteboard.
It's implied in my whiteboard statement that I'm trying to figure out how to make the biggest POSITIVE difference. The biggest HELPFUL difference.
Am I always successful? No, I don't always succeed at my intended consequences.
There are unintended consequences. Would that we were always judged by our intentions. Or would that be good?
Are our intentions always honorable? Do you really want to be judged by your intentions?
Sometimes our intentions may be rightly aimed at helpful, but sometimes not.
I stumbled across a documentary on Amazon Prime the other day, The Identity Theft of Mitch Mustain. It's a 2014 documentary about a young man, a quarterback from Springdale, Arkansas. A phenom playing for then high-school coach Gus Malzahn, who later went on to become Offensive Coordinator at Arkansas,
“Tone is the hardest part of saying no.” ― Jonathan Price, Put That in Writing You gotta say NO to some things in order to say YES to other things. It's just a slightly more clever way to express the truth of setting priorities.
Some priorities are easy. God, then family. Well, it's easy mentally, but it's more challenging in reality sometimes. Saying God is first - where He deserves and demands to be - is different than actually putting God first.
Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 10:38-39 “And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
Matthew 22:37-40 "And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no other gods before me.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths."
Putting God first isn't politically correct, but putting family first often is. That's always seemed odd to me. Not that I don't love my family, but my family - nobody's family - is nearly as powerful, as helpful, as worthy...as God. If you're gonna come in second only to God, that seems a pretty lofty position.
Family is important, but we often make declarations we don't back up with our actions. Like Walter White on Breaking Bad, we can often declare we're doing it for our family, but the thing we do damages our family. Self-deception is easy. Facing reality, especially when it's contrary to what we most want to believe, is hard.
If setting priorities were easy then there'd be no books, articles, podcasts, seminars, or courses on time management. Time management advice is ridiculously basic. Create a to-do list, prioritize things, establish deadlines or time frames to get the thing done, avoid distractions and establish a routine. Paypal me $1,000 and consider yourself trained in time management.
The hard part is establishing the priorities - figuring out what's most important. Maybe avoiding distractions is hard, too. But nothing is as difficult as figuring out what matters most right now. God matters. Family, too. Yet, when my tire blows out - a stupid tire becomes the priority. Yes, it's a very brief - momentary - priority, but nothing else much matters until I get that tire replaced. It doesn't mean God takes a back seat. Or that my wife no longer matters.
If a blown tire can disrupt my overarching life priorities, then it's easy for me to understand how hard it may be to figure out other things that take up my time. And it may be time I no longer need to devote to a thing. Maybe it's time to say, "No."
Flow. Zone. Element.
Terms synonymous with that place where our natural aptitude and what we most love intersect. A third point of intersection is usually in play, too - success. I don't find any of these 3 easy to figure out. Let's think about it.
What are you naturally good at? Finding out our natural aptitude seems like it'd be easy, but I've not found it easy at all. I suspect that may be a personal problem. ;)
Maybe it's not the wisest way to view things, but for me, it's easier to think about what I'm able to do easily. Mostly because I enjoy it. That doesn't mean I'm good at it. It can be easy to do something poorly even if you enjoy it.
There's a confusing situation whenever see somebody who is really good at something, but they end up saying, "No" to it. Enter Barry Sanders. R.E.M (the band). Enter whatever favorite story you have of somebody who quit doing something they were good at - maybe e...
Today is a free-form format. I used to do this very often. The urge hit me to do it again. So I did. I hope you enjoy it.
Permit me to hawk my other podcasts: High Impact Influence at GrowGreat.com and Hot Springs Village Inside Out at HSVInsideOut.com.
Jackson Browne is among my all-time favorite singer/songwriters. Saturate Before Using, his 1972 album is all it took. But that was just the beginning. Two years later, 1974 brought us Late For The Sky, a record I'll consistently put into my top 3 albums. While his politics aren't my cup of tea, his talent sure is! Today's title is a snippet from track 1 of his latest album, Downhill From Everywhere - "Still Looking For Something." The entire line is indicative of his creativity. And I knew since I was just little The sharp edges of the world will whittle Your dreams down to shavings at your feet Gonna do my best not to settle I know it's gonna test my mettle Keep my options open, even so I'm hoping The sharp edges of the world will whittle your dreams down to shavings at your feet.
Will we do our best not to settle? Good question.
Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you. In 1974 I first saw that saying as an album cover by Ian Matthews while visiting Leisure Landing, my favorite record just outside the gates of LSU. Simply put, sometimes you win...sometimes you lose.
That's how the sharp edges of the world happen. Sometimes you avoid them. Sometimes you don't. I think Jackson is right though. Mostly, they whittle away. At our dreams and just about everything else we seek. Especially if we don't fight back. Hard. Every day.
But there are some other parts of the world that aren't sharp edges. There are some rather pleasant areas of the world that don't whittle. They foster growth, resilience, and change. Truth be told, the sharp edges that can whittle can also serve to provide those valuable things for us if we'll leverage them properly. Struggles and sorrows often define us. Much more so than the joyful moments.
After the famed Alabama Crismon Tide football team lost to Texas A&M Aggies, head coach Nick Saban said two things that illustrate the point.
"Players have to remember how they feel when they don't have success." "Sometimes the best lessons you learn are when you do have failings." Saban says it's human nature to be more willing to learn when you don't get things right.
It's not just for college football players. Or their coaches. It's true for each of us. We need to remember how we feel when we don't have success. And there's little doubt that the most valuable lessons are those taught to us by failure.
Two things - the sharp edges of the world that whittle away our dreams and our response to that reality.
Sharp edges are events and circumstances, sometimes the ones resulting from our own behavior, sometimes not. Sharp edges are also people. The people who hate us, who give us no consideration, who show us no compassion, who judge us harshly. So sharp edges might be anything from health concerns, to financial troubles, to grief, to sadness, to sorrow, to struggles of any kind. And they might also be the people who don't have our best interests at heart. Those folks who aren't interested in helping us, but would prefer to hurt us.
Whoever you are, wherever you live - you experience both forms of sharp edges of the world. There is no vaccination. Nobody has antibodies that will protect them from such things.
No need to enumerate all the ways the world cuts us with sharp edges. We can all prove that truth with our own lives. Our struggles are real. We don't often intentionally go looking for the sharp edges. Mostly, we run into them. Or they run into us. But years ago I was reading about various hustlers and con men who start each day at zero, then work like fiends during the day to score big - to get as much money as they can - only to end the day back at zero. These folks are different than most (thankfully). They go out each day looking for the sharp edges, willing to end their day cut to pieces, but only after doing some cutting of their own. These folks refuse to live conventional, responsible lives.
Hero or victim?
Do you think there's some other option?
What would it be?
I don't know either. But I do know that disasters make heroes. I wish it weren't true - that Instagram moments would help us become heroes. It just doesn't work that way.
It's Saturday morning. Late. Pushing noon. And I've got some work to do. Computer work. Website updates. Video editing. Some voice work. General catching up.
I usually do one of two things: a) fire up my iTunes library and don the headphones to listen to whatever strikes my fancy at the moment or b) I fire up the TV here inside The Yellow Studio and find something to watch (well, more accurately, something to be on in the background). Insomnia usually provokes music. Saturday mornings usually provoke TV. Especially during college football season.
Today, I go to Amazon Prime because I've been meaning to watch the Val Kilmer documentary, VAL. The one about his life.
My Val Kilmer fandom centers around The Saint. It's a 1997 movie with Elizabeth Shue. I'm a big fan of hers, too - thanks to that movie. It's one of the few movies I bought on DVD. I still have it.
I launch the documentary, with subtitles on so I can kinda sorta keep up while doing other things. But within minutes I stop doing anything else. I'm intently watching this thing, narrated by his son because Val recovered from throat cancer which left him unable to speak without the aid of a vibrator attached to his neck.
I Google him because I don't know how old he is. He's 61. I'm 64. It's impossible not to make comparisons. Especially when it comes to health.
He confesses that he was the first person he ever knew to have a video camera. And he used it. A lot. All the time. So much so, that he has boxes and boxes and boxes of videotapes he's shot through the years. And writings. And scrapbooks. Material chronicling his life, a story he desperately wants to tell. But now he's not got the voice for it. His son does. A son who looks and sounds like him.
Deep into the movie he's sobbing as he puts a large necklace belonging to his deceased mother around his neck. Her absence still hits him hard.
His mother divorced his dad when Val was 8. Repeated infidelities took their toll on her. His dad, a real estate developer, wanted to be among the largest landowners in California. So much so that his dad, at one point unable to get a loan, asked Val to co-sign on some massive land deals. Val agreed. He said, without hesitation. Even gave his dad power of attorney, which his father used to form 20 or more shell companies to avoid paying taxes. Until it finally caught up with him.
Facing the prospect of suing his own father or writing a check that would exhaust his personal wealth, Val said: I wrote the check and went to work. Should he have? I'm sure many think he should have kept his money and refused to bail out his unscrupulous father. But it was his money to do with as he wanted. From the sound of it, he didn't deliberate much. He wrote the check, then got back to work to earn more money.
Don't worry about the money you're not making. Besides, you'll earn more.
Focusing On Our Loss & Lack
It's easy to dwell on our losses and what we don't have. Easier when the losses and lack are extensive, but it's not helpful. Okay, it might be helpful if your stupidity contributed to the loss - you wanna make sure you learn not to repeat the mistake. I know 'cause I've got a litany of such errors in my wake. The most expensive of them was $50,000. I gave it to a person I thought was a friend. It's a long story I'd rather forget, but every now and again it bubbles back up and irks me to no end. Mostly, because I was duped by a man who I thought I could trust. I was wrong! He was unscrupulous, dishonest, and a consummate liar. I was stupid! Really...really...really stupid.
But I learned. I've not "invested" money with anybody since. I give people money if I can afford to and want to - with no expectation to get it back. Ever. I don't loan money. Period. I'd never make it as a venture capitalist. :D For starters, I'm too poor. For another, I hate losing money.
See what I mean? Focusing on losses stirs up nothing positive!
What about when it must be done? Then you absolutely have to do it. No matter what.
I'm on a coaching call and say, "You can do whatever you want." This executive is weighing options in search of the best one. We hash out the pros and cons of the obvious choices before moving on to the not-so-obvious choices. As I am wont to do, I challenge my client to consider any and every option. Even the ones we tend to think we can't possibly pick. I specialize in bold mistakes. -Paul McCartney
I was watching that new documentary with Rick Ruben, famed record producer, and Paul McCartney. In one of their conversations, Paul uttered that quote.
McCartney was often criticized for writing pop, upbeat little love songs while some viewed John Lennon as the more serious songwriter. Paul explains that his viewpoint originated from his good childhood. A childhood he assumed everybody experienced. Paul was, and remains, highly optimistic. Judge him by the songs he authored. "Here Comes The Sun," is a perfect example.
I watch one of the two remaining Beatles now in his late 70s and he's got a boyish look to him. Even now. The music of his youth - the Beatles broke up in April 1970. Paul was only 29. The Beatles had been together for 8 years. Here he is listening to Beatles' tracks with Rick Ruben. They're dissecting some, commenting along the way as Paul reminisces of recordings made over 50 years ago. His enthusiasm for the songs and those times is evident in his eyes.
John Lennon was a very different man. A different songwriter. A different person who grew up quite differently from Paul. And as a result, John didn't share Paul's optimism. His songs reflect the differences. Paul confesses that he just assumed everybody grew up as he did, but John showed him that wasn't true.
Stories like that are important to this conversation because the real point of it all is "possibility." Not probability. Not likelihood. Not even practicality. Which is why I love the sentiment about a 4-year-old in a Batman cape.
Kids often do, or dream of doing, what can't be done. We did it when we were kids. All the time.
We built forts we never thought we could. Treehouses, too.
We imagined we were all kinds of characters, living in completely made-up places. Or real places.
We dreamed of becoming all sorts of things...like writers or cartoonists. ;) I didn't really become either one, but my whole life has been influenced by those early dreams.
Friends dreamed of becoming attorneys, veterinarians, doctors, teachers, nurses, or auto mechanics. Did any of them make it? Most likely found something else. Or like me, stumbled into something else.
Today, I'm preoccupied with two narratives. The victim. Or the hero. Which will you be? Which role are you playing right now?
Pressure. Worry. Anxiety. Fear. Dread.
The human brain - 3 pounds and 15 centimeters of incredible processing power. About the size of two clenched fists, which may be a fitting comparative measurement for many of us. Lots of us go through life clenching our minds. That's the opposite of having or getting our minds right.
I think about the Old Testament figure, King Saul. Early in his reign, with Samuel as his mentor, Saul was a great warrior for Israel. He conquered enemies and made progress in creating a nation out of the twelve tribes. Then David entered the picture. Saul began to show signs of emotional distress and anxiety. According to 1 Samuel 16:14, it was made worse because God's Spirit left him due to his own self-centeredness. Ironically, only David's harp playing drove the demon away (verse 23).
Growing up it was my first encounter with the power of music in helping us get our minds right. I've wondered what influence that has on my lifelong love affair with music. I know this much...my life would be significantly less calm, less thoughtful, and less whatever else might describe good feelings without it. As I write this I'm listening to Jackson Browne's latest record, Downhill From Everywhere. No, I don't agree with his liberal politics, but that's just a perspective rather than some agenda 'cause I'm apolitical. Jackson is very political, but I love his voice and the music. I can overlook what I disagree with and enjoy the man's talent. When it comes to music, I'm able to keep my mind right. ;)
I can't think of any phrase involving "getting your mind right" without thinking of Strother Martin's character in Cool Hand Luke starring Paul Newman.
Paul Newman's character, Luke, is on a prison chain gang. He's popular with the other inmates. He's also constantly escaping, but he refused to break under the pressure of the warden, played by Strother Martin. But the guards and the warden are constantly exhorting Luke to "get his mind right." Translation, stop giving us trouble. Just do as you're told.
Well, I don't mean it that way. So let's talk about what it really means to have your mind right by first talking about having your mind wrong.
P.S. There is a place where I'm better able to get my mind right. It's why I started a new podcast about 60 days ago - HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com.
3 am whispered. A lamp in the corner normally illuminates a daylight LED bulb. But that's only in the daytime. During the quietness of the night, the daylight bulb gives way to a red bulb. Like a photographer's darkroom. Except I'm developing ideas, not film.
Headphones are on. My Apple iTunes library is launched. I scroll through "Recently Added." Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers "Angel Dream" was released just days ago. I miss Tom. And the Heartbreakers. The ringtone on my phone is "You Wreck Me," proving my fondness for Tom's music. Hours are spent in the darkness of night with headphones on, listening to music.
Track 3 of "Angel Dreams" fires up, Change The Locks.
I can relate to this song. More now than ever.
I changed the lock on my front door So you can’t see me anymore And you can’t come inside my house And you can’t lie down on my couch I changed the lock on my front door
And I changed the number on my phone So you can’t call me up at home And you can’t say those things to me That make me fall down on my knees I changed the number on my phone
’Cause I changed the kind of car I drive So you can’t see me when I go by And you can’t chase me up the street And you can’t knock me off of my feet I changed the kind of car I drive
I changed the kind of clothes I wear So you can’t find me anywhere You can’t spot me in a crowd And you can’t call my name out loud I changed the kind of clothes I wear
It's 3:22 am when I begin to wonder - for the umpteenth time - whether or not my caffeinated drink mixes are contributing to my insomnia. I've been down this rabbit hole before. Many times. I consume about 120 milligrams daily. According to the FDA website that's not excessive. For healthy adults, the FDA has cited 400 milligrams a day—that's about four or five cups of coffee—as an amount not generally associated with dangerous, negative effects. However, there is wide variation in both how sensitive people are to the effects of caffeine and how fast they metabolize it (break it down). Doing some basic math with the help of a calculator that sits right by my mouse, I figure it's been many years since I consumed 400 milligrams or more. Dr. Pepper was once my drug of choice. Then Diet Dr. Pepper. Then Dr. Pepper Zero. I've got a handful of liter bottles in the pantry right now that have been there for months. Rarely do I venture away from a 38-ounce bottle of water with a single Crystal Light Strawberry drink mix inserted. I’m not sure caffeine is much of a player anymore, but here I am wide awake at 3:40 am wondering about it.
Should I give it up completely? I wonder. But of all the things that might be keeping me up, I rather doubt caffeine is much of a contributor. It's more substantial than that I figure.
As the clock approaches 4 am I'm on track 10 listening to Tom sing, "Climb That Hill."
You got to get up and climb that hill Get up and climb that hill You got to get up and climb that hill again Cares. It's an interesting term for life's problems. Cares.
We ascribe caring to things positive.
“People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care” ― Theodore Roosevelt
"He's a loser. He just doesn't care."
"He could not care less."
So the anti-sentiment is careless. Care. Less. We sure don't want to be that.
Then modern culture admonishes us to stop caring what others think. Selfishness and self-centeredness are considered acts of courage. Disregard the voices in your life who attempt to help you. Don't listen to anybody other than yourself. Sure, you can do that, but it's a high-risk proposition.
I'm all for tuning out people who aren't there to help us. People who simply want to throw rocks at our parade so they can feel better about themselves. People who are filled with only harsh, unjustified judgment. But these aren't the people who love us and want our very best. We really need to give an ear to these people and carefully (ther...
If things stay as they are, you’ll stay as you are. It's just how life and entropy work.
I'm sitting across from a new client. Ninety-nine percent of the time within 15 minutes I'm hearing a person's life story. A gift I have, among very, very few. And one I'm thankful for - the ability to connect quickly with "most" people and gain their trust. It's not magic. It's because I'm genuinely interested. And I care. The single group of people who are an exception are arrogant, "I'm-the-smartest-person-in-this-room" types. I do not connect with them. And don't want to. But I've never had such a person as a coaching client in the dozen or more years I've been doing this work. So there's that!
This person isn't arrogant. Just reserved. Better said, guarded. Extremely guarded. I respect it.
Until the 3rd session when I ask about how life is going and I'm told for the third time, "Fine." That's it. One word. "Fine." No details are ever offered. Nothing. Probing has proven unsuccessful. I feel like a CIA interrogator trying to extract information from a professionally trained enemy spy. Okay, I actually feel like a very poor-performing CIA interrogator because I'm getting nothing.
In the middle of the 3rd session, I finally ask, "Okay, how is it REALLY going?"
"Fine."
I never said I had a perfect record. ;)
Self-deception has been a lifelong curiosity for me. I'd love to tell you that I have it all figured out, but I don't. It's like one of those magical worms that you cut in half and it grows a new head forming two worms. Sometimes the more we focus on killing self-deception the more self-deception we're prone to have. Somebody with a bigger brain than mine is going to have help us with this. I've read plenty, but so far I've concluded that one of the best defenses of self-deception is having trusted advisors willing to challenge us. Easier said than done...finding such people.
Trusted advisors willing and able to help us avoid self-delusion aren't easily captured. They are out there, but very difficult to spot. It's much easier to find people who don't fit the bill because they're in the majority. That's not a harsh judgment, it's just the truth. People are busy. They have their own problems. They also have their own inner circle of people they're already serving. Most lack the bandwidth to add you to the mix so I don't blame people for being unavailable.
Others just aren't fit for the task. For anybody. This is a rather large chunk of the population I suspect. Kind of like the people who live their entire life without telling anybody, "I love you." We may not understand such people - I struggle to understand how that can be problematic for people, but I know it truly is. Others don't find any way to ever say, "I'm sorry." Such folks aren't likely going to be great trusted advisors unless it pertains to some area in which they're experts. For example, I people who have terrific financial expertise, but lack empathy or the ability to really connect at a personal level (have you seen the movie, The Accountant? ;) ). They'd be great at telling you what to do with your money, but they'd likely be awful at sharing why you want to do something with your money.
Maybe it'll help you if I share my lifelong journey with my own trusted advisors. I understand that my context is uniquely my own. But I hope you'll be able to apply it to your own situation.
Like most kids, my folks were my very first trusted advisors. And my maternal grandmother. Three people. That was it. A really tight circle. I'm talking as a little kid through elementary school.
I always had friends, but as a little kid - even in elementary school - I didn't rely on friends as trusted advisors about anything outside of school or playing together. Things like assignments, homework or what we might be planning to do for fun. Hardly the kind of advisors to help me know if I was being honest with myself. After all,
That's what is currently written across the top of the whiteboard in my office, The Yellow Studio. In parenthesis, I wrote: (Don't Be Afraid Of Scaling). A friend uttered that challenge to me months ago. The context? Professional pursuits. Namely, trying to figure out how to effectively serve more clients. Shortly after that, I spent some quiet time as I am wont to do. Pondering time.
Don't fret if you have no interest in hearing about professional or work pursuits. The lessons here transcend that. I think we'll be able to make a solid application to just about any endeavor. In fact, I'll be sharing my own insights in a variety of personal and professional pursuits. Because they universally share that whole "make the biggest difference" idea. I mean, who wants to pursue something that makes a minuscule difference? ;) The Biggest Difference? First things first, we have to define the biggest difference. It's ridiculously individual.
You've heard me talk about "the ideal outcome." In fact, I own that domain because it has become such a staple in my coaching practice. Few things are more powerful than each of us coming to terms with - and seeing clearly - our ideal outcome. While others may try to persuade us that the journey is the thing, I'm always challenging clients to gain a clear focus on what they most would like to achieve - "the ideal outcome."
Here's the thing about the biggest difference or the ideal outcome - they're subject to change. In fact, they should change when we're armed with new insights, information, and experiences. Things change! We change! So should our ideal outcome.
About a month or so ago I released a podcast episode at my work podcast, GrowGreat.com. It was a podcast born from these ideas. It was my first mention of all this stuff that currently is being figured out. I titled it, Traction & Momentum: Pursuing The Things That Work After Killing The Things That Don’t.
Prior to recording that show I had a few conversations with people about "irons in the fire." We all have irons in the fire, a metaphor for pursuing a variety of things that we hope will succeed. Some of us have lots of irons in the fire, and we keep putting more irons in the fire. Others of us are more selective and careful about the irons we're willing to place into the flame. Me? I ebb and flow. Sometimes I'm selective. Sometimes I'm more willing to say, "Yes."
Experience has taught me that what we say "NO" to can be as important, or more important, than what we say "YES" to. In the past decade, I've been more of a say YES guy.
On my whiteboard below the stuff you see in that picture above, I drew some flames to represent the fire. Then I drew a number of lines to represent the various pursuits that are irons in the fire. I drew everything I do. Professional. Personal. All the activities I engage in daily or weekly. Then I drew two cross-diagonal lines through the "irons" I wanted to kill. I'm still working on it, but right now there are 7 irons in the fire. I have the kill lines across 2 of them. I have a question mark on 1 of the others. That leaves 4 irons I currently think I'd like to keep in the fire. I'm not sure this is how it'll end up because I'm still figuring it out.
The point is, not every iron in our fire is going to get hot enough to be productive. Some will. Some won't. There are two challenges: a) figuring out which irons you care most about and b) figuring out which irons have the greatest opportunity to get hot (gain traction and momentum). Neither of those is necessarily easy.
Think of a time when you felt stretched thin. Maybe it's now. Maybe it once was. Maybe it feels like it's always been that way.
Try writing down - on paper or a whiteboard - the activities. Get them all down. In full disclosure, I didn't write down all of mine because some of them are non-negotiable. That is, they're just so important they're a given. It's not about whether or not I can make the biggest dif...
I was in the fourth grade when I first developed a passion for piney woods. I was a pre-schooler when the woods first called out though. So by the time 4th grade arrived I'd spent half my life fascinated by and in love with --- trees. Woods.
Woods.
A forest is woods, but not all woods are forests. I think woods are thought of as smaller than forests. Small groups of trees, but how small is small? It depends. On how big you are. When you're a little kid one undeveloped lot in the neighborhood thick with trees will suffice. When you're an adult, something larger is required.
I love woods. There's something special about them. Being in them. For extended time. Day after day is even better. Because you get to know them better.
Traipsing through woods every now and again is great, but not nearly as great as getting to know them. Well.
There is something therapeutic about woods, especially piney woods. A feeling. A sensation. There's a psychology to them for me.
My best description? They're a big exhale for me.
They help. I embrace it. I'm not imposing on them. They welcome me. Any time. I don't disturb their schedule. I don't ask them to do anything. Just be there. Just be what they naturally are. Let me stay. Stick around a bit. Then come back again tomorrow and notice more. Spot any changes. Be friendly.
Unlike most people, I trust piney woods. They don't pretend to be something they're not. They don't judge me or anybody else. They don't lie. Cheat. Or steal. They're just there existing for the pleasure of the wildlife and not-so-wildlife. As a 4th grader, I may have added to the population of wildlife, what with all the fort building, pine straw stacking, path clearing, and whatever else we did as kids.
But that's all behind me.
And even then I had moments of not-so-wildlife where we'd just sit on the pine needles and talk about what might come next. "What'da ya'll wanna do now?" somebody would ask. That might spark a 30-minute discussion of various ideas that somebody might invariably shoot down until we figured out something we could all agree on.
I hope kids today have those conversations, but something tells me they don't. A shallow investigation into social media platforms like TikTok and Snapchat indicates that our attention span is down to something like 8 seconds. Eight seconds? Isn't that the time bull riders need to complete a successful ride?
We were often bored as kids. It didn't always result in trouble either. It gave us time to talk, interact, argue, debate, and work things out. Eight seconds? Man alive, we spent hours collectively trying to figure out what we might do that would bring us our next adventure. But this isn't about "good 'ol days" syndrome. Honestly, it's not. I'm just trying to paint context for you of how we worked to close the distance from hope to help. The gap between whatever was in our heads and what we could make real.
Like the unmotorized go-carts, we'd make out of spare parts laying around in all our carports and garages. Or the homemade skateboards out of those old metal-wheeled rollerskates. Or the countless forts and treehouses we'd cobble together out of anything we could find. And how we'd decorate the insides without any help or influence from the likes of Chip and Joanna. By the way, does anybody else wonder why Chip thinks his long hair looks good? I've got a neighbor who is older than I am and he decided a ponytail would look good. No, it doesn't. You look ridiculous. So does Chip. Somebody help these people understand how unflattering it is to grow older and attempt to hang onto youthful fashion or hairdos. #JustSaying
Hope should dominate the life of every kid. I know the world is cruel and there are dangers galore, but every child deserves to be filled with hope about the future.
Hope should dominate the life of every adult. It's harder for us because we've experienced sorrow, sadness, and struggle.
On Saturday, May 29, 2021, I watched a suggested YouTube video. It was a 2014 award-winning documentary entitled, RESTRUNG. I guess I watch so many guitar videos that the YouTube algorithm had no problem suggesting I watch this video. Here's the YouTube description of the video: He had always considered making guitars a passion, not an occupation. In 2007, Randall Wyn Fullmer, an ordinary guy with a cat, decided to turn his life-long hobby into a full-out obsession. To launch his adventure he did what anyone else would do — he quit his high paying dream job at Disney, leaving behind a successful 20 year career of creating major motion pictures such as "Chicken Little" and "The Emperor's New Groove". It seemed to make so much sense at the time! With Disney in the rear-view, he launched his self-proclaimed "Mad Plan", crafting small-batch bass guitars full time. From a beginner's electrifying success to near break-down, this is a beautiful, honest and inspirational portrait of a passionate craftsperson who walked headlong into a foolhardy dream ... a true tale of a life unwound and restrung. You can check out Randall's website, Wyn Guitars. Watch the documentary and you'll be motivated to cheer for his continued success. And more.
A little over one minute into the documentary Randall says this...
Blind Optimism, Not-Too-Much Practicality & A Plan That So Boxes You In There's No Escape
Randall had figured out what he believed were the ingredients for success. I won't spoil the documentary for you, but I will tell you that it's not a story of a man who ditched a successful career at Disney only to experience hockey stick growth curve success. Mr. Fullmer has ups and downs. Like all the rest of us. Watching his journey made his quote even more powerful for me.
Besides, only days earlier I had shared a graphic on social media.
I suppose the earliest observers of success and achievement figured out how important it is to refuse to quit. One of the best quotes is from Babe Ruth. You just can't beat the person who never gives up. Well, maybe you can, but it's extremely tough. Angela Duckworth is a Wharton professor at the University of Pennsylvania who wrote a book entitled, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.
From an old-time baseball player to a modern-day researching university professor, there's plenty of evidence that sticking with it can pay off. This much is sure, if you quit, you'll never achieve whatever you're chasing.
Randall, the guitar maker, stated it differently. And I was immediately taken by how he voiced his beliefs about the requirements of achievement, especially when you're pursuing something creative. Like building guitars. I wonder how his Disney career influenced his wording - and his point of view. He had experience in collaborating with extraordinarily creative people. That's why I listened to his insight more intently. He was credible. And humbly vulnerable sharing things he didn't have to share, but in doing so helping us learn and better understand his journey.
Based on the volume of books and courses copywriters learned decades ago that people are attracted to formulas, secrets, and blueprints for success. While chasing success we're tempted to think the people already on top of the mountain of success know something the rest of us don't. Surely they've got the secret, formula, or blueprint. Then all the charlatans emerge posing as gurus. We don't know who is genuine and who isn't. Desperate to find the path toward the life of our dreams, we read, follow, consume and buy whatever it is they're selling. Only to be disappointed that the secrets they share with us - for a fee - aren't moving us any closer to our dreams.
Just before hitting record, I got an email invitation to attend a free webinar, The Secret Formula for Success. :D
Randall knows why that's what's being sold. So do we.
Listen to what he said - the ingredients he determined were most n...
Before you click play on the episode click play on this music video from Iceland's best kept musical secret, Kaleo. I've spent hours with these gents playing in my headphones whilst walking about in the middle of the night, or in the early morning hours. They're terrific.
I like them so much I bought their latest record - Surface Sounds - twice! Intentionally. Well, I pre-ordered it on Apple iTunes and was able to download a couple of songs that were released early. This was early last year. Then the release date on the record kept moving back. And back. Hello, COVID Pandemic. Then the album was released, but Apple iTunes didn't let me download the other songs. So I Googled to troubleshoot Apple iTunes and followed at least 3 things suggested to fix such a problem. Nothing worked. In time I gave up and just hit the buy button again. Two weeks after the second purchase I got an email from Apple iTunes (see below).
So I bought the album twice but got it once. Maybe it'll put a few extra pennies into the pocket of the band. Thanks, Apple Music (I still call it Apple iTunes). Did I tell you I've been a devoted Apple user since the first Mac in 1984? Well, it's true. But even I lack the skills to know how to contact Apple about the aforementioned customer challenge. Such is life in 2021, right?
But I digress from the main point of today's special episode - yes, that's two special episodes in a row. Special because it wasn't planned. Instead, it's spontaneous. But I rather enjoy a good bout of spontaneity at times.
That song, "I Want More," rang in my ears and played in an endless loop for days. It sounds selfish, but it isn't. Not really. It's ambitious. It's restful. It's like a favorite place of mine. A place where you go to just exhale. And feel better. But where you can't quite get enough. Leaving you wanting more. And more. Because it's so highly valuable. A place where your arrival causes you to sigh with relief. Where the weight is lifted away.
A place where less is more.
There are gobs of books about less being more. Some are business-related. Others are about health and fitness. Some are about stuff and lifestyle, like the one published in 2016 by noted minimalist Joshua Becker, The More of Less: Finding the Life You Want Under Everything You Own.
Another famous minimalist Leo Babauta wrote The Power of Less: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential...in Business and in Life in 2009. That was my first foray into the idea, meaning...it was my first deep dive into learning more about minimalism and why folks became converts of that way of life.
But in 2006 I had already been influenced a bit by John Maeda, author of The Laws of Simplicity (Simplicity: Design, Technology, Business, Life). Maeda is an MIT-educated tech brainiac. My lifelong devotion to my own lack of brainpower had forced me to simplify things. Part laziness. Part stupidity. I had a lifelong history of searching for simplicity in 2006 when I bought the book. I still have that passion - a relentless pursuit of straight-forward and simple.
I had to learn the hard way that simplifying things is hard, hard work. Sometimes my laziness doesn't pay quite like I expected. No matter...I still found it worthwhile. So much so that I continue to do it. Every single day.
Beginning with your physical surroundings.
I wish I had, but I didn't. My quest for more by leaning toward less first erupted in my career. Business pursuits. Business is challenging enough. There's no need to complicate it further. So I figured. So I still figure. Experience has confirmed my youthful yearnings for simplicity.
And one of the first things I learned as a young business leader was the power of beginning with your physical surroundings. It was intuitive for me because I was the child unable to sleep in a cluttered room. Toys and stuff had to be put away or I couldn't go to bed. But I wasn't a kid plagued with OCD-type behaviors.
These 5 books have been on my mind lately. I've not re-read them lately, but I've ruminated about each of them (and others). Click on any of the images if you'd like to buy any of them. Yes, they'll be affiliate links earning me a rinky-dink commission. But you won't mind. Will you?
Some other random useless/useful information about today's show:
Dunbar's number
Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life by Jordan B. Peterson (his latest book)
Here's the view I looked at for a few days in Arkansas last week.
Thanks for listening!
Here's one theory about the origin from Wikipedia: The origins are uncertain, but a common theory is that the expression arose after Conservative Prime Minister Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury ("Bob") appointed his nephew Arthur Balfour as Chief Secretary for Ireland in 1887, an act of nepotism, which was apparently both surprising and unpopular. Whatever other qualifications Balfour might have had, "Bob's your uncle" was seen as the conclusive one. Salisbury is widely believed to be the Uncle Bob that the expression refers to. "Bob's your uncle" is said to derive from the supposed nepotism of Lord Salisbury, in appointing a favorite nephew, Arthur Balfour, to several political posts in the 1880s.
"Bob's your uncle" is an exclamation that is used when everything is alright and the simple means of obtaining the successful result is explained.
Here in America, we'd say, "a piece of cake" or "easy as pie." But I rather prefer, "And Bob's your uncle."
Today's episode was prompted by something that happened one year ago. I recorded the event on my personal Facebook page. Here's what I wrote. Grandson #3 (Easton) and grandson #4 (Cason) went with us to see my parents yesterday. On the ride home Easton sees something and the obsession begins. It's the little marking on the side pillars of the car indicating that there's a side curtain airbag.
He's reading out the letters and asking, "What does that say?" All the letters are capitalized though, presenting a new challenge for his reading skills. From the backseat he's announcing the letters. "S, L, D, E, C, U, R, T..." No break or pause, just reading the letters in straight succession. I quickly realize the problem. The L isn't an L. It's a capital "i."
Me: "That doesn't spell anything. S,L,D aren't the first letters to anything." Easton: "Yes, it is. That's what it says, S, L, D, E, C, U...(he goes on to announce every letter for the umpteenth time)." Me: "That says, 'Bob's your uncle." Easton: "No, it doesn't. Bob's your uncle doesn't start with S." Me: "Sure it does." Easton: "No, Bob's your uncle doesn't start with S." Me: "What does 'Bob's your uncle start with?" Easton: "B." Me: "Very good." Me: "That second letter isn't an L, it's an "i." Easton: "But it doesn't have a dot." Me: "It's a capital i. All those letters are capitalized." Easton: "But it's S, L, D, E..." (again reciting every single letter) Me: "It says, 'Side Curtain Airbag." (I go on to explain what that is) Then comes a 10-minute conversation on how those airbags deploy. And I interject "Bob's your uncle" some more along the way. Me: "When the airbags come out they say, 'Bob's your uncle' on them." Easton: "But I've never seen them say, 'Bob's your uncle.'" Me: "Because you've never seen airbags. They don't come out until you crash the car. You never want to see 'Bob's your uncle' unless you crash."
To add confusion, Rhonda inserts, "Cale is YOUR uncle."
Easton: "Then why does it say, 'Bob's your uncle?" Me: "To let you know the airbags are out. And uncle Cale answers to, 'Bob.'" This goes on for about 5 more minutes with Easton growing increasingly skeptical. Rhonda finally tells him I'm "pulling his leg." Of course, that means she has to explain what that phrase means. Easton: "I thought so. I knew it didn't say, 'Bob's your uncle.'"
Now, I'm Googling for Bob's Your Uncle t-shirts in kid's sizes! I'm also coaching him to call Cale "Bob" the next time he sees him! I smile every time I think of that car ride.
I wish Bob was my uncle, but I do have a cousin named Bob.
Easy peasy. That's our hokey American equivalent. Much less clever than, "And Bob's you're uncle."
That's that. Kinda sorta the same thing.
I don't know if the story is the correct origin of the saying, but I hope so because that makes it funnier to me. Some ner-do-well fella gets a high position and everybody stands around questioning, "Who? Who? Who got it?
I'm doing some computer work and watching Homicide Hunter on ID Discovery. It's just on as background noise, but I perk up when the shot includes Lt. Kenda looking into the camera asking about some dysfunctional family behavior that involved murder. He answers his own question with this witty answer, "I don't know 'cause I'm not crazy." Reasoning with unreasonable people.
Trying to relate to crazy when you're sane. Trying to influence foolishness with wisdom. Trying to combat hatred with love. Battling sadness with humor. There are many paradoxes.
"I don't know 'cause I'm not crazy."
It implies that if Lt. Kenda were crazy then perhaps he could better understand the crazy behaviors he observes.
I catch myself sometimes. Saying things that seem habitual. You know, those phrases or sayings you say all the time on auto-pilot. Without even thinking. Until one day you realize, "I say that an awful lot. I should quit doing that."
We all have them. Some of us more than others. Mine, at least on this occasion, was, "What do I know?" What do I know? I most often say it when I make an observation - not from certainty, but from uncertainty. That is, I really don't have much of a clue if I understand something or not. Then I say, "...but what do I know?"
Kenda has extensive knowledge of murder and crime. And criminal behavior. But he still doesn't understand it because it contains a level of crazy. And he's not crazy.
Don't we all know that sensation? That feeling?
Two people find themselves needing money. Desperately.
One scrambles to think of what he has that has any monetary value. Something he can sell. He thinks about what he might be able to do to hire himself out. Clean gutters. Rake leaves. Anything.
The other one doesn't think of any of those things. Instead, he thinks of who has what he wants - money. And how can he take it from them.
I see that first fellow and understand. But I don't understand the second fellow at all. My mind just doesn't go there.
Right and wrong. Those are heavily involved in these notions. Kenda can't relate to the criminal mind. Hopefully, neither can we.
Hopefully, we can't relate to the immoral mind. The person, who when faced with some serious challenge, thinks that bad behavior might somehow make things better. That alcohol, drugs, and sex just might provide the remedy to make their lives better. It never does. But I don't know 'cause I'm not crazy enough to think so.
Crime. Immorality. Human degradation. Degradation is the act of lowering something or someone to a less respected state. Would a person intentionally lower themselves to a less respected state? Of course. People do it all the time. Some don't think they're lowering themselves. Some are too self-centered and just don't care enough about themselves to increase their respected state. Still, others are plagued by addictions. Some others, by untreated or undiagnosed mental illness. Degradation is a complex issue.
The significant factor here is knowledge. Knowing. More accurately, it's about understanding, but as Kenda observed - that's impossible when you don't suffer the same crazy. Or the same delusion. Or the same foolishness. And honestly, do you want to? Of course not.
It makes solving these problems more challenging. It makes helping - serving - some people almost impossible.
"You can't reason with an unreasonable person."
"You can't want it for somebody if they don't want it for themselves."
So many truisms. What should we do then? I wish I knew, but I don't. 'Cause I'm not crazy. Or disposed to chasing foolishness. Or bent toward committing crimes or pursuing doing the wrong thing. That doesn't mean I'm immune from these things. Neither are you. I suppose we could all fall into the wrong things - degrading things. Thankfully, most of us don't. Because most of us can and do keep our wits about us to prevent us from sliding off the edges.
Then there's Charlie Sheen.
I stare out the window. The trees have dropped all their leaves. Fall fell. Now it's winter. But I'm in north-central Texas so that isn't quite what it is to you guys who live in Canada or Minnesota or Maine. I'm craving a change of scenery. Not just the kind nature provides, but the kind that puts your head into a clearer space.
So away we go to a spot we often frequent. About half-a-day away by car. Not bad.
Piney woods. They affect me in the most positive way.
Here I am sitting on the covered back porch with an overhead radiant heater. It's chilly, but I'm comfortable. I'm staring at a golf course, the 6th hole. I've got a clear shot of the tee boxes and the green. Almost a straight-on view, which allows me to track the balls the golfers hit from the tee.
I've been here before. Back in the summer when I didn't need a heater. Or flannel shirts.
It was then, during the summer, when I told my wife, "I could spend quite a lot of time here." She immediately responded, "Yeah, I could, too."
Then we engaged those dreaming wheels in our heads. They're not really just dreaming wheels though. They're more like pondering wheels looking for a path forward, working out a way to make it happen!
You daydream. Imagining what it might be like to be in your favorite place. Maybe a beach. Maybe mountains. Maybe lakeside. Your mind drifts to your life and where you're at versus where you'd most like to be. Some success that isn't reality. Yet. Some achievement that's unrealized. Some lifestyles you don't currently enjoy. You ask yourself the same question you've asked most of your life.
Wouldn't it be great if...?
Wouldn't it be great if we had a lake house?
Wouldn't it be great if our business were twice as big?
Wouldn't it be great if we got a new car?
Wouldn't it be great if we got married?
It's a question we ask ourselves about anything and everything. Like a can of lighter fluid on our wildest dreams, we engage parts of our brain that feel like we've neglected for too long. We easily embrace it and go with the flow of imagining what life might be like if our hypothetical were real.
Wouldn't it be great if...?
You'll never say, "No, it wouldn't be great."
Your mind will always think, "Yes. Yes, it would be great."
Because during such times, in our head we work things out so everything works out beautifully. No snags. No problems. No downsides.
We do the same thing with the choices we didn't make but wish we would have. We assume the choice we didn't make would have worked out marvelously. We never think, "Good thing I didn't take that other path 'cause that would have been a disaster!"
In our heads, the choice we didn't make would have worked out fine. Or perfectly fine. Or terrifically.
We look back and think, "What if we'd made that other choice?" Again, in our heads, we iron out all the outcomes so they're better than the ones we now enjoy.
The reality is we only know the outcomes of the choices we made. Had we made a different choice...we think we know how it would have worked out, but we don't really know. We project a successful outcome in our minds. It feels real prompting us to regret the choice we made. Maybe. Or at the least, wondering if the other choices might have been better!
Fact is - maybe it would be great. Maybe it would be a disaster. Maybe it wouldn't matter. We'll only know if we pursue it.
So it makes sense that our brains would gravitate to the best-case-scenario. Why not think the best? Why not think, "Wouldn't it be great if (fill in the blank)?" That's better than thinking, "Wouldn't it be awful if (fill in the blank)?"
I'm still sitting there looking out over a golf course with piney woods across the way. Chipmunks, squirrels and small birds are scurrying about in the morning cold foraging for food. I'm pondering life and they're trying to sustain life. No thought about tomorrow. They're not even bothered by later today.
I’m battling my chronic insomnia. Again.
3 am brings out my best. Sometimes.
Headphones are on and I'm watching buskers on YouTube. YouTube has some suggestions for me. One is a video of a man holding an acoustic guitar. The title indicates he's covering a Radiohead song, No Surprises. Well, I have to click on that. Not because I love Radiohead 'cause I don't even like them. But this man does not look like he'd like them either. I can't imagine what this cover might be like so I have to find out.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who is this old guy? He's been in my life all of the 3 minutes it took him to play this song and I'm smitten. I like this guy. Instantly. A lot.
This video has over 300,000 views. How have I never seen this man play before? Must be an outlier, but I'm thankful YouTube made the suggestion. I click on his name, below which I see 176K subscribers, which takes me to his YouTube channel's main page. A hundred seventy-six thousand subscribers? WHOA!
I look at the many videos he's produced and click on another one, a John Prine cover, "I Remember Everything." I do love John Prine. I'm still sad that John is gone. I click on that video and I'm fully smitten by this guy now. I click play who knows how many times before I finally stumble into bed.
About 90 minutes later I'm up for the day. I go to Frank's YouTube channel, to the about section. No details. No website. Just a place to click for an email address for business requests. I click it and shoot him an email. Frank,
I have no idea what to even say. Except that stumbling onto your channel made me - yes, MADE ME - devote hours watching video after video.
I'm a business guy who began to podcast before it was even called PODCASTING. My passion project is a podcast called Leaning Toward Wisdom (https://LeaningTowardWisdom.com - tagline is "modern tales of an ancient pursuit").
Would you be open to having a recorded conversation with me for that show? A Zoom video call. Not an interview, but a conversation with a guy from Dallas, Texas who loves what you're doing. True confession: I've had a passion and love for the guitar for as long as I can remember, but I never learned to play. I learned that what I love most is watching/listening to others play. You're now added to the list. Thank you.
Think about it and let me know. I promise it'll be fun. More fun than that stunt of your daughter slapping you about the vegan remark. :D
Randy
Frank replied the same day. Randy ,
Thank you for getting in touch, i don’t mind having a conversation with you i’m not sure if you know i am in the UK, so we would have to get the times right, i would probably have to take a laptop upstairs or something depending on whether anyone else is at home, my wife and grandson can get pretty noisy at times lol, you mentioned that vegan joke, funny how humour doesn’t always translate as quite a few people didn’t like the idea of a daughter doing that to her dad, but then you can’t please everyone, oh and i have family in Texas (San Antonio), never met them but still family lol, if i’m right i think you are 6 hours behind us, you mentioned you like guitars but never learned to play ……i didn’t either lol!
Frank. Having watched the 2 videos with his daughter I was not surprised at the snarkiness of his reply. And the bromance continued. :D
Listen, when you get to be the age of me and Frank you rather enjoy seeing and connecting with people who have some notion of how you grew up in the days before the Internet.
Here's the original of a cover done by Frank. This will give you an idea of just how much Frank makes these covers his own.
Here's Frank's version of that same song.
The video that blew up his YouTube channel was this cover by a heavy metal band, Slipknot.
Frank has a 7 song EP available, My Life Unplugged. Here's the Amazon link. Here's the Spotify link. Here's the iTunes store link.
I contacted about half a dozen business owners expressing interest in hiring them for a future project. Yes, they were all in the same space. I was hoping to figure out the best one to do what I wanted to be done. I sent cold emails explaining what I was hoping to accomplish. I contacted 7 companies. Literally, I contacted 7 business owners.
Right away I heard back from one who offered to schedule a phone call within the next 2 weeks. A few back and forth emails resulted in him wanting a 9 am appointment. I offered to send a calendar invitation, which would include a note that he was to call me on my cell phone, which I listed in the invitation. He accepted the invitation. Now we'd wait.
The morning arrived. My wife joined me here inside the Yellow Studio as we awaited the business owner's phone call. I was going to run the call through my podcasting gear so my wife and I both had mics in front of us and each of us donned a pair of headphones. Nine o'clock arrived. Then 9:05 am. Then 9:10 am. Then 9:15 am. I told my wife, "He's not going to call." At 9:22 am I called him. No answer. Voice mail. I left him a voicemail saying, "I apologize if I got our time slot wrong, but you offered and accepted the calendar invitation for 9 am. Perhaps I misunderstand. I guess we can reschedule. Thank you."
At 9:33 am he called. I was in another meeting so my phone went straight to voicemail. He left a message that he was calling, acting as though he was showing up on time. When I got out of my meeting I returned his call. Rang and rang, then went to voicemail. I left another message, similar to the first one.
And I never heard from him again.
Let's get one thing out here upfront. Business requires marketing - getting the word out. Elevating visibility as much as possible. Being top of mind and all that. Nobody will have a successful business without customers. And to attract customers, you need not only a good or viable product or service, but you need to make sure folks know about your good or viable product or service. That's just the start. You also have to have your act together. Whenever I'm dealing with business owners or leaders over at the day job (GrowGreat.com) I'm focused on the trifecta of business building: a) getting new customers, b) serving existing customers better and c) not going crazy in the process!
So I'd love to tell you about the differences between a business and YOU, but then I realized that may be the foundation of the issue I'm talking about today. Maybe there is NO difference. Maybe we are all in business. Perhaps we're not selling products or services (or art, podcasts, or music) for money, but we're certainly vying for attention. And attention may be more difficult to get than money. As a business guy, I know this much - until you get their attention you won't get their money. So maybe there's no difference between your personal life and a business. For some reason, that notion depresses me though. And I’m a business kinda guy.
Why Don't The Best Blow Their Own Horn The Loudest? That was my original title, but the more I thought about it the less I liked it. So I changed it to what eventually was the published title - The Loudest Horn Blowers Never Are The Best Players.
The real point today is probably best summed up in the statement, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well."
Let's take it a step further. If it's worth doing well, then it's worth doing it as well as you possibly can. It's worth being great, remarkable, dazzling --- and if you've got the talent, it's worth being world-class.
So why don't those considered "world-class" toot their own horn the loudest? Well, there are exceptions. Muhammad Ali was an exception. Michael Jordan maybe. Tiger Woods in his prime. Maybe. What about a non-sports example? Can you think of one? Yes, me neither. I suppose there are some though. Outliers. There are always outliers.
Then I got to thinking - I'm able to do that every now ...
"Are we good?" I ask.
There hadn't been any tension. No drama. No strife. But there had been a bit of quiet. And how could you know if it was caused by the pandemic or something else? Well, you couldn't. Unless you ask. So I did.
"Yes, of course," was the reply. A 15-minute phone conversation followed, catching up on a few things. Each of us reinforced to the other that we'd just not been in touch like either of us desired because the pandemic had completely thrown us off our rhythm. One last time, before we hung up, I said, "OK, we're good, right?" Confirmation came immediately. "Of course, we're better than good."
I hung up the phone and wrote the phrase, "OK, we're good, right?" Truth is I had already been thinking quite a lot about how people - all of us - are prone to surmising. supposing that something is true without having evidence to confirm it When I was pretty young I became keenly aware of people's obsessions with other people. Maybe something prompted it, but I don't remember anything specific. Just a bunch of things - various situations where I'd observe people who'd make assertions about people without having any facts or evidence. It was likely the language that got my attention because I've always had this weird fascination with words. Especially the words people use. "I'll bet he...(fill in the blank on what they were thinking)." Lots of people would say that about somebody.
During my early teen years, I was particularly irked with what we now call "fronting." People pretending. I naturally found pretentious people unpleasant. Mostly, I was intrigued by why people would so desperately care what other people thought about them that they'd be fake.
Couple these two colliding youthful observations about people and I grew increasingly perplexed by why people weren't just forthright with each other - and why people wouldn't behave more honestly with each other. Besides, I'd grown up hating strife and tension. Unlike what I saw in many adults - avoiding facing it or confronting it - I was naturally wired to find out the problem because it seemed to me you couldn't fix something without first knowing what was wrong. Making peace seemed to demand to get to the crux of the matter so you could find some common ground so everybody could move on.
I've learned through the years that sometimes people may think I'm insecure about whatever relationship we've got. "Are we good?" likely smacks of "he's feeling insecure about our relationship" to some. I don't always word it that way, but in spite of knowing how it may sound to some, I've also learned that the same people who may feel I'm taking aim at my own insecurity about our relationship feel that way no matter how I make the inquiry. I know because I've asked. :D
Then, there are those of us who ask a lot of questions because of our desire to know. Some of us are more naturally curious than others. It's why for decades I've often told people, "I know what I know, but I don't know what you know." The only conversations that I hate - after the fact - are those where I feel like I've talked too much. It happens more frequently than I'd like and I'm constantly reminding myself to be quieter.
I’m genuinely interested. Well, let's be completely honest. I'm genuinely interested when I'm talking to somebody I really want to talk with. There's only a small percentage of people in whom I'm not that interested. Self-absorbed, full of themselves types. Know-it-all, smartest-person-in-the-room types. I find myself lacking even a small amount of curiosity about such types, but I'm fairly interested in most people. I'm the guy who will not likely give up on the conversation until after 2 or 3 uncomfortable questions - made only uncomfortable by the person's not being forthright to answer. NOT, by my asking some uncomfortable questions. Before I got out of high school I had learned some people are just uncomfortable talking about themselves.
Today's show was prompted by an email from a new listener who asked if I had any episodes giving "my story." Well, I didn't have the heart to tell him this entire podcast is pretty much "my story," but I know what he meant.
Hopefully, this is my not-so-boring effort to provide him, and YOU, a bit more context about me. But as always, this isn't about me, but it's about US. All of us, who have an interest in leaning more and more toward wisdom...while simultaneously leaning further and further away from our own foolishness.
Mentioned in today's show, as a resource for those who care to learn more, is RandyCantrell.com.
I hope you enjoy this show. And I hope collectively and individually we devote ourselves to making 2021 a year where we live better lives.
He lost 75 pounds in 3-1/2 months. He admits it wasn't likely the ideal way to do it or the ideal timeframe. But he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Here's what he did:
- Gave up soda and sugar
- Ate oatmeal every morning
- He ate grill chicken every day and premade enough for the week, his only veggie was broccoli
- When he got too tired of chicken he ate eggs instead
- He ate special k bars for sweet cravings (high glycemic but it worked for him)
- He did eat fruit but his overall calories were under 1500 calories a day
- He was hungry at night so he would go to bed early
- He avoided dairy and went to almond milk
- He did not go to the gym but he did walk and run
I saw his video about a year ago and for some reason, it popped up in my YouTube feed again so I watched it again. He's just a good 'ol boy trying to get better. The minute he said it, I instantly remembered watching this a year ago - because it's such a true statement.
Lots of folks who are smarter than me had said it. We all know it's true. In our own lives. In the lives of others. “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” - Dr. Henry Cloud Our slimmed-down country boy says it in a way I can completely understand.
"You have to be totally tired of who you are."
Why would I be totally tired of who I am?
Let me count the ways. ;) Self-awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively through reflection and introspection. That's how an article at PositivePsychology.com begins. The title of the article is, "What Is Self-Awareness and Why Is It Important? [+5 Ways to Increase It]."
Social media is overrun with people disparaging the opinions or viewpoints of others when it comes to YOUR life. It goes well beyond the seemingly wise admonition to ignore the haters. It presupposes that everybody has the ability and desire to see themselves accurately and that each of us is able to do that without any help. It also foolishly holds that none of us benefits from listening to others.
The truth is we all struggle to accurately see ourselves or to face the realities of ourselves. We likely lean toward thinking too highly of ourselves, or too lowly. It's too easy for us to overestimate or underestimate ourselves. Accuracy is difficult. Others can help provide just enough perspective where we're able to more accurately see ourselves. If we choose to ignore their help, it hinders us. We need the insights, experiences, and observations that others can provide.
But not just anybody can do that for us.
Those with whom we're fully safe serve us best. These are the people who only want our best. They have no other agenda. They don't want to live our lives for us. They don't want to make our choices for us. They simply want us to do the right thing by helping us make the wisest choice that will help us be our best. They love us enough to challenge us, nudge us, push us, question us, support us, and do whatever else they can to help us move forward. If we choose to ignore or banish these people, we do so at our own peril.
Self-awareness is not a solo pursuit. It demands we make wise choices in who surrounds us.
That's a critical component to succeed in growing tired of who we are when who we are has become destructive or detrimental to being our best.
Recently we learned that a business hero to many - Tony Hsieh, founder of Zappo's - was living a life most of us knew nothing about. Virtually every major news publication, including the Wall Street Journal, has written pieces that reveal Hsieh had a serious drug addiction. According to multiple accounts, he banished those who attempted to help him correct his poor behavior, choosing instead to surround himself with people who would support anything he chose to do - common behavior for drug addicts. Sadly,
Robert H. Frank is the Henrietta Johnson Louis Professor of Management and Professor of Economics at Cornell's Johnson Graduate School of Management. I don't know him personally and until 2016 I had no idea who he was, but that's the year I read an article in The Atlantic entitled, "Why Luck Matters More Than You Think." It was intriguing me, but honestly, there wasn't anything new about my intrigue. The subject of luck has fascinated me for a long time.
Some people don't believe in luck. Or serendipity. Or chance. Especially when it comes to success or achievement.
By "late-life" I don't necessarily mean age, but it might include that. Most certainly it includes experience.
A person begins to learn something at an early age. Take a current professional ice hockey player. His parents put him in ice skates for the first time when he was 3. Since then he's spent almost as much time in ice skates as he has sneakers. By the time he's approaching 14, he's a decade into the learning curve. Off he goes to play major junior hockey - a high level of play for boys approaching high school. He moves to another town where the team is located and he begins to play the highest level of amateur hockey while living with a host family who has taken him in. Before his 18th birthday, he's drafted by an NHL team. He's 15 years into the learning process, but he's only 18.
A person matures past middle-age. She's spent her entire life pursuing art. As a young girl, she fell in love with painting and she's been at it ever since. It's never earned her much of a living. Until now. A while back she had a little showing at a local gallery. A blogger with a widely read blog happened to live in the area and visited the exhibition. And wrote a piece about this woman's artwork, along with posting some pictures of her work. About a hundred miles away, in a big city, an art gallery owner saw the blog post about this now older woman's showing. An email was sent and now after 4 decades of painting artwork in relative obscurity, she's achieving late-life luck. She's experienced at art and life.
There are many flipside stories that counterbalance these. Stories of people who began early and never found any success. People who persisted for decades and never found any luck.
Let's talk more about it.
In 2012 a musician Joshua Hyslop released an album, Where The Mountain Meets The Valley. Track 6 is "The Mountain." It contains a lyric that serves as the title of today's episode.
When I first heard it I wrote that phrase down. Often I'd remember it.
I'd consider the long list of things I set out to do as a young man. And those things I'd still like to get done now that I'm old. It's different now. Not at all like it was when I was 20 and my ambitions seemed more fantastic.
When Joshua's latest record was released, on September 11, 2020, I went back to listen to other music he'd produced, including this song, The Mountain. I hadn't thought of the phrase in a long while, but there it was marching its way to the front of my mind. Especially during early morning walks, I'd think about it.
Then, a few days ago, on September 29th my father turned 97. I thought about his life and the years he's experienced since 1923, the year he was born. For his birthday I decided to record a sort of year-by-year historical commentary from 1923 up to the present. It wound up being almost an hour-long, but the last few minutes being a son's message to his dad. I'm blessed that both my parents are still alive and doing well, living in a house by themselves. My mom is 88.
My folks have enjoyed long lives. They're still enjoying life. They're blessed. They won't likely reach the end before they're done - the blessing of living a long life. But you can never be sure. Time - our time - is tenuous at best. Which is why the admonition "make the most of it" is so common. But also why it's become so trite and ignored.
2 Peter 3:4 and saying, "Where is the promise of His coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation."
It's the trap we all step into. The trap of thinking we'll have tomorrow. Or this afternoon. Or tonight. Why? Because that's how it's always been for us. We had yesterday. Now we have today. So we're fooled into thinking - believing - we'll have tomorrow.
I'm not trying to be a downer or be morose.
Today's show focuses on 5 words:
Curiosity Understanding Judgment Criticality Grace (compassion)
Also, here's an old episode you may have missed that speaks to one aspect of today's topic: the process.
Enjoy!
It's a few minutes past 5 o'clock. In the morning.
The sky is light thanks to an almost full moon. The city lights help, too. When you live in the city the sky isn't nearly as dark as it is out in the country.
I walk. Quite a lot.
You'd think I'd look like it, but you'd be wrong.
No matter. I walk 4 to 6 miles every morning. Often before the sun is up. But not as often as I did before this pandemic. 3 am and 4 am were favorite times back before life was disrupted by COVID 19. I'm not sure why that changed my readiness to hit the streets in the middle of the night, but it did. I suppose I figured people were more uneasy so I just haven't wanted to risk it.
Part of my walking routine involves traipsing through a field near a densely wooded stretch filled with all sorts of critters. I've seen a coyote-type creature a few times. And a cat of some sort. Not the domestic kind either. But I'm not a wildlife expert. You won't ever see my on reality TV...especially one of those survivor type shows. Unless somebody produces one of those as a comedy where morons are dropped into the middle of nowhere so the audience can laugh maniacally at them.
Mostly, in this stretch of trees are cottontail rabbits. I attribute this to the reproductive reputations earned by rabbits. But I'm not complaining 'cause I rather love them. I just wish they'd stick around a bit longer.
The path I walk is about 15 to 20 yards from the tree line of the wooded area. By the time I get within 30 yards or so of them, they quickly scamper into the woods. You can see a handful of little holes that serve as their escape routes. Each hole has a nicely worn pathway as proof that they frequent these routes to dart in and out of the woods. I bent down and took the picture shown below. To give you some scale, that opening is about 10 inches wide. It's not very big. What you don't see is the density of the wall of growth where this opening exists.
On a typical morning, I'll spot 6 to 10 rabbits out foraging for food outside the woods, within 5 to 10 feet of their wooded home. They don't venture out too far. I'm supposing it's because of that coyote-type creature and the cat. But I'm sure there are other predators who'd love nothing more than a rabbit for breakfast, lunch or supper.
That's why there is no rabbit in that photograph. The little buggers are really camera shy. They're the perfect creature for zoom lens photography, but all I have is my phone.
In 1925 Hugh Harman drew a mouse around a photograph taken by Walt Disney. Walt was inspired by this tame mouse near his desk at Laugh-O-Gram Studio in Kansas City, Missouri. Mortimer Mouse was the name Disney gave the mouse until his wife, Lillian, talked him into changing it to the name we all know. Mickey Mouse.
From that cartoon began the modern small animal stories told in moving pictures. But the stories existed long before that.
Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human traits, emotions, or intentions to non-human entities. Like rabbits. Or other animals.
Enter Aesop, a Greek storyteller credited with a number of fables. The timeframe? Around 564 BC is the date ascribed to his death. It's up for dispute whether there was a real person Aesop behind the fables. Somebody crafted the stories though. He was reputed to be a slave who passed from various owners until he was eventually freed. History or legend has it that he was executed by being thrown from a cliff after false charges were leveled against him because he had insulted powerful people.
No matter. Attributing human-like qualities to animals in his fables happened long before Walt ever imagined a mouse.
Frogs. Turtles. Birds. Foxes. I suppose somebody has anthropomorphized just about everything. Especially by Hollywood. I'm thinking of Ice Age, Bugs, The Secret Life of Pets and Toy Story. In Toy Story you don't even need a living creature. Toys will do. No big shock,
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My pondering began with Bible study. Not a big shock since you already know how important Faith is in my life. I'd heard the story my entire life, sitting in the pew as a little boy listening to old preachers tell the story recorded in Luke 15. The story of the prodigal son.
As a little kid I sat there wondering why this son got a wild hair to confront his dad and make such a bold request, but mostly I wondered why the father gave him what he wanted. The adults in my life wouldn't have so indulged me, I thought.
He takes the money and whatever else he got and left home. That baffled me, too. I'd never had the urge to run away from home. Well, not for long, any way. There were days, you know? But I figured I had it pretty well. And that's where it started for me. Wondering why this son didn't realize how good things were. Of course, I knew the end of the story. I know in advance how bad his life got. Mostly I wondered how long he was in that far country doing whatever he was big enough to do. I wondered why he had to lose everything before he gained clarity that things back home were really great.
That was likely my first serious pondering about delusion and my introduction to the fact - yes, FACT - that every human being is capable of self-deception. Seeing things inaccurately. Believing things that aren't true.
Some months I put my own sermon about this story online, but I approached it from the perspective of the father, not the son. The father, by the way, did not deceive himself. He was seeing clearly the entire time. And thankfully, his clarity served both his sons.
Self-deception and delusion is an everyday conversation in my work. Twenty years ago I bought and read a book, captivated by the joining of 2 topics I was interested in, leadership and self-deception. "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box" by The Arbinger Institute.
Leaders of every ilk can be prone to self-deception. But leaders aren't unique. It's a complex issue and our quest to simplify things likely contributes to our delusion or false assumptions. We like neat and tidy things and most things aren't neat or tidy.
Fast forward and the topic of delusion and self-deception intersect with another conversation point, addiction. In my executive and leadership coaching work, I often have conversations with clients whose families and lives have been horribly impacted by addiction. From people abusing prescription medications, to people not abusing - but people taking prescribed medications that have completely altered their personality, to people abusing alcohol and even people consumed by gambling or other addictions.
Almost weekly I have a conversation with people whose family is struggling to help a member of their clan get out of the pit. They tell stories of how the person just can't seem to think or see things accurately. Fogged over with chemicals that have impaired their ability, I'll often listen as they recite how smart, funny, and engaging the person was before they surrendered to some form of chemical dependency. Once in a while I hear about recovery. Like the prodigal son, it never happens quickly. In most cases, many years have elapsed before the self-deception and addiction are overcome.
Success stories are both rare and lengthy. I've yet to encounter a story of somebody who recovered quickly. The downward spiral is long and destructive. It seems it must get very bad before there's even hope of it getting better. I never understood it. I still don't.
She was in the midst of a struggle. It was fresh though, which is never the best time to do much more than encourage. We reviewed the facts - the things she knew to be true as opposed to the things she could be assuming. At some point I said it.
"I'm sure there's a way forward."
Just because it's not apparent right now doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Figuring out ways to escape isn't often apparent. You've got to search high and low, devoting yourself to figuring it out. I'm thinking of that classic film, The Great Escape. Those prisoners of war had to consider a variety of paths forward in their attempt to escape. It required lots of thinking, pondering, planning, debating, and figuring it out. It also involved many setbacks and high risks.
Nobody said the path forward would be apparent or easy. Besides all that, sometimes endurance is the path forward. Not overcoming.
I've lost some friends - close friends - to fatal health issues. There was no overcoming of their illness. But each of them had to find a path forward so they could more successfully endure their eventuality.
Pain. Sorrow. Sadness. Disappointment.
EVERYBODY has experienced plenty of it. EVERYBODY has plenty of things they could dwell on to serve as excuses. EVERYBODY has lots of circumstances - some beyond their control and some not - that might compel them to embrace being "victims." NONE of us are immune.
A few years ago I suffered a personal setback. One I've alluded to in the past. It prompted me to surround myself with older men - each one a gospel preacher who I'd known all my life. I figured these were the guys who could help me find a way forward. And sure enough, they did.
I'm unsure of how timing works. I'm very sure about God's providence though - meaning God's ability to work through the natural courses of life. We all make up our own mind. We make choices and behave in ways we choose. The Bible pretty clearly teaches us that God can and does use the natural events and circumstances of life for his Will. If I choose to behave poorly, it's not God's fault. He's not behind it. It's my own free will in motion. But my poor choice can still be leveraged by God to serve some purpose that may not be clear for a long time - if ever.
One by one these 3 older sages in my life passed on...leaving me alone and pretty much without any more older men in my life who had served me as they had all my life. I'm not bringing it up to lament my plight, but to illustrate how urgent it is for all of us - no matter what we're facing - to find a way forward. My confession is that when I lost the first one I took great comfort that I had him for as long as I did. I was especially thankful to have had him over the course of the previous year plus. His wisdom was unparalleled. But I was also very grateful I still had the other two even though both had serious health issues (one more so than the other).
Curveballs enter everybody's life. Mine came when the seemingly healthier of the two was suddenly gone. Even though he was the oldest of the 3 - the youngest was the first to pass - none of us were expecting it. The suddenness of death is always a jolt.
Within a short time, the 3rd and final old man left the planet and entered Eternity. It was expected, but that didn't make it any easier. Now there were none and my path forward was not apparent. During dark days of sadness and sorrow, it's hard to find enough light with which to see any path or way. I'm a lifelong insomniac. Inside the Yellow Studio is a red light bulb I burn at night - like an old photographer's darkroom. It provides enough light to see without illuminating the house and waking up Rhonda. But I'll often traipse into the kitchen from my studio and without any lights on...and my eyes adjusted to the red glow...and I'll struggle to barely make out where furniture and walls are so I can make my way. If I wait just a bit and employ my memory of where things are,
Jason Wilber was John Prine's longtime lead guitarist and musical director. John died during this pandemic. Jason released a new album after John passed. It's entitled, Time Traveler and contains a song, Poet's Life. Today's show title is a lyric from that song.
How do you measure a pleasure or an itch?
I don't know. But I don't know how you measure sadness, sorrow or disappointment either? So my inability to measure such things runs in every direction.
I've been sharing way too much Billy Strings with the private Facebook group lately. Billy Strings is William Apostol. He's a 27 year old guitar whiz kid who combines heavy metal with bluegrass. Yeah, I know. Sounds nuts, right? Well, it's not nuts. It's brilliant.
Billy is one of those artists that I'll binge on a few times a year. I'll just listen and watch everything I can for 2 weeks straight. Mostly in complete amazement at how somebody can be so proficient at something at such a young age. I look over in the corner at my encased acoustic guitar, which I'm unable to play - and I think of measuring the value of a guitar in Billy's hands versus a guitar in my hands. At least you could kinda sorta measure that by looking at how much income Billy earns playing the guitar versus the zero dollars I'll ever earn with a guitar. My only chance of making money on a guitar is if I sell mine!
I grew up hearing preachers deliver sermons about the powerful impact of godly women. Much of the time they'd speak of how priceless a godly wife, mother or grandmother was. And since I had all three, I can attest to the high value they deliver. But I'm not able to measure it. Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." I can't play the guitar, but I sure do enjoy watching and listening to Billy Strings perform. In the last 2 weeks, I've likely spent over 50 hours listening to my Billy Strings' records (okay, they're digital) and watching his YouTube concerts. I love watching the guy perform. Many nights in the last 2 weeks his songs have been earworms.
Many things are hard to measure.
But maybe it's worth asking, "Why measure them anyway?"
The square, super-logical among us would say, "Because you can't make progress unless you can measure it." Check out The Squircle Academy if you want to investigate circles and squares.
Ridiculous. Of course, you can make progress in something that can't be measured.
Some aspects of love may be measurable, but it's pretty hard. John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." So there's the pinnacle, right? Hatred is at the opposing extreme I reckon. But what about all that space in between?
I fell in love with my wife in the summer of 1975. After 42 years of marriage, I love her more now than then. I don't have any paperwork to prove it. Nor do I have any assessment I can show off to her. I just know how I feel and what I think. I can measure it intuitively. By how important she is to me. By how devastated I'd be if something bad were to happen to her. By how lonely I'd be without her. By the value she provides to my life.
Family. Friends. Allies. Mentors. Teachers.
How do you measure their value?
Billy Strings said this in a magazine interview... Those moments are what I cherish the absolute most. For instance, when I was six or seven years old, I was learning “Beaumont Rag,” and I just played the rhythm, but I kept messing it up in this one part. Right in the middle of the song, I said, “Stop. Dad, why don’t you play it and let me listen?” I listened to what he was trying to say with the guitar, and I go, “Now, let me try it again,” and I nailed it. He started laughing. He reached over his guitar and squeezed my little hand. He called my grandmother and said, “Listen to your grandson right now!” I was a little kid, but I’ll never forget that moment. Now there have been several moments since then,
NOTE: I began preparing for this episode some days before the violent death of George Perry Floyd Jr. in Minneapolis at the hands of a police officer. As violence broke out across the country it seemed best to stay silent and observe. And listen. The irony of the title of today's episode wasn't lost on me. It was purely coincidental. I was already thinking very seriously about my own urge to be quieter in some specific areas of life. If you've listened to the COVID19 episodes you could likely figure out that my tolerance of highly opinionated, judgmental people is eroding. I've never much cared for it, but if the coronavirus didn't bring such people out of the woodwork, this current ordeal surely has. I simply want you to know that today's show is not a response to specific incidents or any news, but today's show is mostly provoked by human behavior. Disagreement. Anger. Assumption. Judgment. Strife. Contention. No big shock really. Behaving poorly is almost always the easy choice. Doing the right thing - behaving with kindness - requires more from us. At the beginning of the pandemic, I began to post some audio sermons in a YouTube playlist entitled, In Thy Paths. The first sermon (21 minutes long) was entitled, A Certain Samaritan Answers The Question, "Who is my neighbor?" I've embedded it here in case you want to give it a listen. Even if you're irreligious I hope the message will resonate with you. So with that, let's talk about moving in silence. Thank you for hitting that play button. I know your time is valuable and I can't properly thank you enough for giving me your time and attention. Without you, I'm just a guy talking to himself into a microphone!
____________________________________________________ It started some time ago with Baker Mayfield, starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, but most notable in my book as being the OU Sooner Heisman Trophy winner. Last year I was highly entertained by him, as usual. But I'm a fan, so that's my bias. During the offseason - and even during the season - Baker was widely criticized for being too loud and talkative. Prior to the beginning of this weird 2020 season, Baker decided it was time to start "moving in silence" - a quote from his press conference that captured my attention.
John Prine's song had already been in my ears and on my mind, Quiet Man. And for weeks I'd been giving serious consideration to my urge to become quieter, not in a podcasting sense necessarily, but in other real-life situations. Truth was, I had made up my mind weeks ago that I was going to be much quieter in some areas of my life.
And there's more music about silence or quiet, too. One of my favorite bands, Mandolin Orange, released an album in 2010 entitled, Quiet Little Room.
Then about a couple of weeks ago Ken Yates released a new album, Quiet Talkers. It's like the universe was pushing, not just nudging, this idea of quietness. Something that isn't all that hard for me. In spite of the fact that I'm a podcaster who struggles with consistency.
Thoreau wrote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I'd also been thumbing through an old book (circa 1988) - a paperback that I've had for years entitled, "Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men."
There are a number of books dealing with introverts which have a focus on the power of quiet.
The paradox is that I'm compelled to communicate. Until I'm not.
Then I'm even more compelled to be silent. And it can last quite a while.
I don't read the genre, but I jotted down a quote I ran into that I thought was quite clever. Science fiction writer, Philip K. Dick crafted a great line in a novel, Valis: “When you are crazy you learn to keep quiet.” Perhaps I'm becoming aware of my own craziness. Maybe that's fueling my desire to pick my spots and grow increasingly quieter. I'm not sure. How can I be? I'm crazy. ;)
I know that I'm quite fond of 3am.
It's May. And we're still in this pandemic thing. Let's talk it out. Some more.
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Thanks,
It's a question. Not a statement.
Here in Texas, our "stay at home" order (issued by the governor) ends tomorrow, Thursday, April 30, 2020. Starting Friday, May 1st, stores can open up at 25% capacity. The exceptions are hair salons, bars and health clubs. If things continue to improve (some argue that they may not be improving), then the governor said he'll modify his executive order to elevate the capacities to 50% on May 18th. By then, he may have a plan for bars, hair salons, and health clubs to reopen, too. As with many things, time will tell.
It's the first sign and step toward emerging from this pandemic. Maybe.
Some are still quite anxious about it. Others are restless and ready to get back to the old normal.
Me? I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to enter some crowded space. Those who are cavalier, thinking this is much ado about nothing, will likely think I'm an idiot. And that's fine. I can live with it. I've been called worse.
Today, let's talk about music and other coping mechanisms of this pandemic.
Enjoy. Stay safe. And let's see if we can't figure out a way to create an even better normal than our past normal.
Here's the social media post I refer to in today's show. Laugh at will.
Randy
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It's been about 5 weeks since this whole stay-safe-at-home began. Today, it's a rambling-mess documenting my effort of continuing to cope with Covid. You can judge how well or how poorly I'm holding up.
Early on, I know many of us, including me, thought this might be much ado about nothing. But there are real people behind the fatality numbers. Here's just one example that happened more than 2 weeks ago...
I wish you all the best.
Love,
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Today's show is a video. I decided against live streaming 'cause I'm just not a live streaming guy. Okay, mostly I'm a chicken.
I'll give some words that distill today's episode:
Compassion Understanding Judgment
I'm coping with COVID by trying to better understand. I hope you and yours are safe, and well.
Links you may want to check out (mentioned in today's show):
Ed Sheeran's looper board demonstrated (you can find much more if you dig deeper)
Kevin Presley's sermon on Plagues And Punishment
Enjoy the show.
Happy Friday the 13th. No, I'm not superstitious.
The best definition I ever heard of overthinking is creating problems that are never there. Today let me encourage us to just do stuff while avoiding thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
Today it's about thinking what if it goes right. What if it goes well. 'Cause it could. It might. But we'll never know if we don't try.
Fear stops us, but today needs to be the day - a notable day 'cause it's a Friday the 13th - to give it a go and fail if we must. But we might succeed. Wildly. How will we know if we don't try?
And if we fail we'll laugh it off. Get back up and either do it again because one failure doesn't mean we were doing it wrong...or we'll adjust and it slightly different. The good news is we get to decide what we'll do. But the urgent thing is that we do something! And that we keep doing it. “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” – Winston Churchill Stop worrying about it. Stop thinking it may not work. Stop thinking that everybody is watching. You know that's untrue. I certainly know it's true. Unless you've got millions of followers on social media you know nobody is paying attention to your life. That's a blessing. We can try stuff without any fear of failure or embarrassment - except in our head. So today get out of your head. “In a moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” – Theodore Roosevelt Today it's about being in the sunlight of optimism. And it's about working harder to battle our fears and pessimism thinking it won't work. Starting today and all through the weekend let's try an experiment. Let's put in the work - let's do the things we most want to try to do - and let's assume it'll work out. Let's assume success. Yes, failure is always possible, but success is, too. Let's bet on success!
What if for the next 3 days we refuse to be pessimistic about what we're doing and we embrace optimism choosing rather to believe that our work - our efforts - will pay off.
Do something. Do the one thing you've refused to do up to now because you were afraid. Stop being so afraid you don't do anything. Be afraid, but do it anyway.
Pick the one thing that you know is in your way. The one action you're not taking that you know may make the big difference. Do that thing. Believe it will work out to your favor. “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller Go do it. If you want my help, shoot me a message using that contact page. Let me know what you're going to do. Let me know you did it. Then let me know how it turned out. I promise I'll reply and give you encouragement to keep moving forward.
Randy
“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will think it’s stupid.” - Albert Einstein Let's personalize it. If YOU judge yourself by your inability to do something, you'll think you're stupid.
There are many things you're not. Many thing you cannot do.
That doesn't mean you're a failure or stupid. It merely means those aren't likely the things you should pursue. Those aren't your element, that place Sir Ken Robinson describes as where your natural aptitude intersects with what you love. So you'd best devote more time to finding your element than lamenting what isn't.
You know what's possible for everybody? The things within the reach of every single one of us?
Goodness. Morality. Righteousness. Holiness. Love. Forgiveness. Humility. Loyalty. Friendship. Courage. Vigor. Zeal. Enthusiasm. Resolve. Persistence. Trustworthiness. Sanctification. Salvation.
Add whatever words you'd like to that list. You get the idea.
Nothing prevents any of us from accomplishing ALL of these things. Lasting things. Things we can instill into our families, our children, and our friends by our good influence.
We can be so much more.
We can do so much more.
We can if only we will.
What's stopping you?
Is it the pursuit of lesser things? Like money? Or fun? Or self-indulgence?
Should we give up these lasting pursuits for entertainment, or luxury, or ease?
Self-talk is important. Be careful how you talk with yourself. But be even more careful to see yourself for what you truly are.
Invest more time in those areas where you can become a better person. Where you can make a bigger difference to others.
Be wise. Be helpful.
Randy
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How are those New Year's resolutions working out for you? Have you given up on them yet? The odds are you've already quit. And if you haven't, you will. Almost everybody does. Sad, huh?
Maybe. Maybe not.
There's good news and bad news. Let's start with the bad news. You won't do anything you don't want to do. Well, actually that can be good news if you think about it in more positive ways than most people do. Because...it means you can do what you want to do. It doesn't mean you can do it well. You may not have the talent to pull it off. But you can still give it a go. The thought of an unprofitable outcome might help you change your mind and decide to give up on it. Like me playing the guitar for the past 40 plus years. Mostly I've been in love with the idea of being able to play. I've been far less in love with actually putting in the work. So it's pretty clear I made up my mind. Learning to play the guitar has never been important enough to me - important enough that I wanted to put in the work to learn.
Freedom. We all have it.
Our freedom may be impacted by our circumstances, but only to the degree we allow it. We convince ourselves of things. Real and imagined things. You know the circumstance that has always ruined my desire to learn the guitar? Not being able to play anything well for a long time. I'm not foiled by the knowledge that I'll never play music for money, or be recognized as a great guitarist. Those were never goals or dreams. The new times I've sat down to try to begin learning, the task seemed so daunting that I convinced myself it'll be years before you can play anything enjoyable. I've never been able to mentally or emotionally move past the truth that I just don't enjoy the process. And even though not all processes are enjoyable, we pursue the processes that take us toward something we really want. Seems my truth is, I really don't want to learn the guitar. Else, I'd be learning. My truth? I really enjoy listening to and watching great guitarists play music. That's where I get pleasure. The result? I listen to a lot of music. I love it and I willingly invest the time to listen to a lot of music every single day. I can easily prioritize my music listening in lieu of other activities like watching TV or reading a novel or any other thing.
The good news is you can do what you want to do. The hard part may be figuring that out.
The other bad news is that you can't decide or choose for anybody except yourself. Deciding for yourself is challenging enough, but sadly we frequently spend more time hoping to change somebody else. Meanwhile, our own growth and improvement go unattended. We're busy trying to drive somebody else's car. Growing increasingly frustrated when it doesn't work. They don't do what we want. All the while, losing more and more of ourselves. Sometimes our life goes into the ditch because we're not taking the wheel of our own life. Maybe it's time to change that.
So now what you gonna do?
It happened. Something you never saw coming. Something you knew was coming. Something bad. Maybe horrible.
Life knocked you down and dragged you out back, beating you until you were so hurt you couldn't get back to your feet. Not right away.
I don't know what it is that attacked you. It could be one of a million things. Sickness. Death. Broken relationships. Money (or lack thereof). Job. Faith.
There is no area of our life immune from a crisis.
Before you can dive too deeply into answering today's question there's another - even more personal question to answer.
Who are you gonna do it for?
I hope there is somebody.
Think about them. Right now. Keep thinking about them. Embrace whatever feelings sweep over you. Spend a lot of time pondering the person - or the people. Why do they matter so much? What do they do for you? What do you do for them? Is your relationship with them growing? How is each of you bringing value for each other?
I'm working on a new episode, but in the meantime, I thought I'd produce this special episode answering some of the questions I get. A number of these questions come fairly regularly. Enjoy!
When did Leaning Toward Wisdom begin? What got you started in podcasting? What happened to Project #CravingEncouragement? Do you make money podcasting? How much? What was the point in starting Leaning Toward Wisdom? Where is The Yellow Studio and how did it get that name? What's your background? Why did you get interested in making a podcast about wisdom? Will you ever get on a regular schedule and release episodes more often? When you're up at night, how do you pass the time? What is your workflow? Has it changed through the years? How long will you keep doing Leaning Toward Wisdom?
Thanks for listening. I hope you'll subscribe and join us over in the private Facebook group.
Randy
“So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again
Some years ago Dr. Henry Cloud wrote a book entitled, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward.
Experience has taught me that this isn't easy for some. They struggle to say, "No." Or to quit something, even if they know "the something" isn't working terribly well for them. The difficulty is determining how necessary the ending truly is.
Quitting can be hard. Figuring out what's necessary to quit? Even harder.
You'd think to figure out what isn't working would be easy, but it's not always so clear cut. Sometimes we have to step back and better understand basic terms. Every website and software has terms and conditions. Those outline the responsibilities of both providers and users. Most are a grand display of legal protections but at their core...they outline the issues of WHO and WHAT. Sometimes they may also include HOW. So let's try that with a few things in the hopes it'll help us learn how we can figure out the endings of our dragons. 'Cause even dragons have their ending.
Dragons: They're Not Our Pet
They shouldn't be anyway.
Sometimes we make them our pets. We cuddle them. Love them. Embrace them. Do whatever we can to keep them hanging around. Hoping they'll love us.
Dragons - at least for our discussion today - are the people or situations that don't help us progress as people. They don't make us better. They don't benefit us in ways that truly matter. They may be fun. They may even be rewarding in other ways - maybe they make us money, or they give us associations we enjoy. Even destructive relationships or endeavors can provide something we value...but just because we value it doesn't mean it's good for us. “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher We can all value destructive things. Alcoholism. Drug addiction. Gambling addiction. Pornography addiction. Abuse. The world is filled with destructive things that not only exist in people's lives...but often rule their lives. Think about the things in your life right now that you know are destructive. You know they hurt you and your ability to become a better person. Go ahead. Write them down. Open up a note in your phone and list them. All the destructive things that you know are in your way toward becoming the best version of YOU.
We can all value things that aren't destructive necessarily, but they don't move us forward. They keep us stuck. Jobs we hate. Careers we hate even more. One-sided relationships. Oppressive bosses. Habits. Now, think about these things. They're not bad in the sense that they're destructive, but embracing them puts you in the same place as those destructive things. They stop you from being a better person. They stick you in a place you know isn't your ideal best. Go ahead. Write them down somewhere. Make a note of them. All the things that you don't think are bad, they just keep you from moving forward to improve. To get better.
Dragons are dragons, even if they are our pets. They'll turn on you. It's only a matter of time. We should be on guard because you can never trust a dragon.
Dragons are large, over-bearing creatures. Figments of our imaginations. Making them the most fierce beasts around. Because they're largely - but not always - in our head.
But even dragons have their endings. And we can help. After all, we created most of them in our minds. Stands to reason, we can stop creating them and cease to give life to the ones we did create.
Dragons aren't merely thoughts though. Some are real. They can take the form of toxic people. Or toxic situations. Or challenges and difficulties. Or even opportunities - things that might otherwise be good and profitable,
Welcome to a new season of Leaning Toward Wisdom. It's season 2020. Surely a year of clarity - at least we hope so - for many of us.
I've got some new things in store for you this year. The first is something you're hearing, a different microphone. It's a mic made by a company I'd never heard of before (neither had anybody else), TechZone Audio Products. I won't bore you with the minutia, but you're hearing more details in my voice and I hope you find it even more pleasing than before. ;)
The biggest new thing centers around my new focus on the power of others. So intense is this urge to talk more about it, to incorporate it in all that I do...that I rebranded my "work" podcast into The Power Of Others. It was the Grow Great podcast.
I can't think of a better way to begin this new season of Leaning Toward Wisdom than to talk about how important it is for us to help each other move forward and get things done. The pursuit of wisdom isn't about just holding good, wise thoughts. It's about making smart, wise choices that will affect our behavior. It's about being better by doing better!
“You can't plow a field simply by turning it over in your mind.” ― Gordon B. Hinckley He was a famous religious leader, the 15th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Yes, I confess I had to Google that whenever I first read this quote. It's among a list of quotes I rather like - quotes about doing things versus just planning to do things.
“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." [State of the Union Address January 11, 1962] ― John F. Kennedy
Back in 1999 I read a book that distilled better than I ever could how I felt about doing things, The Knowing-Doing Gap: How Smart Companies Turn Knowledge into Action by Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert I. Sutton. Many of us are prone to seek more knowledge. We think if we could just learn something more, then success would be certain. The nagging question is, "What if we just did what we already know we should do?" In other words, what if we closed that knowing-doing gap and moved forward doing what we already know.
There are untold thousands of people buying information and training every single day. Training and education they'll never implement. I've long heard that fewer than 2% of any audience will deploy the things they learn from a public speaker or a trainer. And that may be a high estimate.
This also explains why ideas aren't nearly as powerful as we may think. I still get tickled if somebody asks me to sign an NDA (non-disclosure agreement), which I refuse to do any more. People can protect their ideas like they're gold when the reality is the gold is in doing something with that idea. Execution of the idea is where success is found.
Reminds me of that famous quote by head football coach John Mckay when he was coaching the upstart, expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Talk about a man who could produce some of the funniest quotes!
In response to a question about his team's execution, the head coach responded, "I'm all in favor of it." :D
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
The coach was right. We all know it. You have to DO something. Thinking about it won't get it done. Planning it won't either.
“If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else.” ― Yogi Berra
“In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower
I love to plan. I want to be prepared. And I'm prone to overthinking. Not enough to not act, but enough to get in my own way. But not about everything. Mostly the things that are incongruent for me. The things that don't quite fit with who or what I am. Dirty Harry said, "A man's gotta know his limitations." I know mine. And I know my strengths. My overthinking leans hard in the areas where I know it's not a natural fit for me...
"I’m sorry I can't, I just don't want to."
I've long known that "NO" is a complete sentence, but it doesn't mean I've practiced it. Largely because people can be very impolite. And pushy!
Not long ago I told somebody I would not be present at an event. Pressed I truthfully said I had some things that required my attention before heading out of town. The pressing and ridicule began. A common tactic of people. I dug in and exclaimed with greater force, "I will not be there and you won't shame me into attending." No is indeed a complete sentence.
Dr. Henry Cloud is likely known as the father of boundaries. Read his books including Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Each of us has to determine and establish the boundaries that serve us. That doesn't mean we give each other the Heisman pose. It does mean we display enough grace to each other that we stop thinking only of ourselves and quit pressuring people to do what WE want them to do.
I posted this over at Facebook just recently.
Social media is N-O-T-O-R-I-U-S for poor behavior. Even by decent or good people. The whole "IBK" (idiot behind keyboard) mindset sometimes captivates any of us. We get stupid. Some more quickly than others.
Not long ago a buddy of mine posted something that any reasonable person would have realized was very innocuous. In Messenger, a person took issue exclaiming she was "offended" because he had used the phrase "stinky people." ;)
No grace. No consideration. No thoughtfulness. No mindfulness. Just an exclamation that she was offended. It was a joke about a king who has been dead for 400 years and an anonymous man. It wasn't directed at her or any particular group of people. Hello Thin Skin, meet offense!
He was quite measured in his response. Not sure I would've been. Mostly because I often feel like the ninnies need a battle. Else, they'll always win. And we're severely outnumbered by them as it is. They're growing by leaps and bounds. Purveyors of wisdom appear to be shrinking, in spite of our collective efforts here at LTW.
Reminder: SurroundedByNinnies.com is a domain I own. Click on it and check it out.
"NO" isn't a hateful response. Why do people who hear it think so? Because they're selfish ninnies. They're giving no consideration to the person who says, "No." They're brassy enough to think they DESERVE an explanation. You owe them. Or so they think.
No, you don't.
Intentions play a role. So do expectations. So let's think about those two notions, but let's do it reverse order.
Expectations
The reality of expectations is our perceptions. We perceive things the way we perceive them. Is that ingrained in us? Is it unchangeable? It's a debate, but this much appears true. Humans appear to be made of love (those of us who believe in God and the Word of God already believe this truth). Love is the number one addiction of all people.
Cardiovascular disease is the number killer. But lack of love - and the stress created by it - likely kill many, many more.
God designed us this way. To crave and seek love. To express that love toward others.
Increasingly, brain scientists believe we're built to see the glass half full. Neuroscientists tell us we're born with a perfect core genetic code. We make choices and those choices impact our DNA. So our perfection can have negative genes piled on top of them, but those imperfect genes resulting from previous generations are closed or dormant. Those imperfect or negative perceptions are learned. The environment wakes up those negative genes.
Two children can grow up in an identical environment but result in completely different ways of life. Because all of us, every minute of every day engage in thinking, feeling and choosing. Choosing to think negatively launches negative perceptions which will drive negative behavior.
People can be saved from themselves,
Photograph of Ronny F. Wade by Andrew Weaver
We were little boys. Stanley and me. Best friends from our beginnings.
A "Halloween" ;) costume party. All the friends of our folks were there. Dressed in garb where hiding one's real identity was the goal. We were gathered inside the garage, sitting in a circle with folks mingling...watching all the new arrivals. Up the driveway walking like Frankenstein was a gray robot. A red light bulb for a nose. Illuminated. There was no way to know who was underneath the garb of spray-painted cardboard boxes forming this ultra low-tech robot.
I had already identified my grandmother, Marie, dressed as Peter Pan. I recognized her immediately somehow. Walked right up to her, calling her by name ("Re" is what everybody, including me called her) asking her to pick me up. Nobody else could identify her.
Then there was this robot creature, easily the most captivating character there. Fascinating.
It was Stanley's dad, Johnny Elmore. That's my first memory of him. I was very young. Pre-school.
Johnny was my best friend's dad. That was my first context for him.
There was never a time when he wasn't in my life. His family was my second family. It's just how it always was. Even when Stanely, his son and my best friend, passed from this life in 2013. Losing Stanley was the most devasting loss for me because we had so much history together. And because we were both older. Fifty-six to be precise.
Losing grandparents, especially "Peter Pan," was sad, but she had been suffering badly...relegated to a nursing facility because of the constant care she required. Losing Stan was different. He was a peer. A close friend. A trusted phone call away all the time. Until he wasn't.
Johnny Elmore and his wife, Sally, who preceded him in death were close friends with my parents. My life began in a small Oklahoma town, Ada, where Johnny was the evangelist working with the congregation where we all worshipped. They were a family of four - they'd soon become a family of 5. We were a family of four.
Randy, Lexie (Randy's sister), Joni (Stan's sister) and Stan - Ada, OK circa 1960 or so? It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson It's true of close friends, too. Close family friends. We've been plenty stupid around each other through the years. I know I've contributed MORE than my share.
My heart was broken when Stanley died. I was sad for my own loss, but I was especially sad for Stanley's folks. My imagination kicked into full swinging trying to understand what it must have felt like to bury a child - albeit a child in his 50's.
As a dad myself I was especially sensitive to Johnny's emotions at that time. I entered the funeral home and hugged him. He whispered something about thinking about me and Stanley jumping on the bed as little boys. Here we were, two old men now, and memories of long, long ago were at the forefront of our mind. Memories of kids acting stupid. But acting stupid together is still what I miss most since Stanley died. And it's among the many things I'll miss most about Johnny. All the snarkiness. All the sarcasm. All the bagging on each other. Stuff that's been part of my existence since I was that little boy in the dark suit (and before) Say what you want about aging, it's still the only way to have old friends. - Robert Brault Regularly Johnny would tell me, "Getting old isn't what it's cracked up to be." Sometimes I'd say, "It beats the alternative." And he'd quite often quickly reply, "I'm not sure about that."
Age does that. Especially when age brings infirmities. Johnny had his. Most recently loss of balance and eyesight. The eyesight loss was especially vexing because Johnny Elmore was a reader. A study-er. A lifelong learner.
Glaucoma and a detached retina (surgery was performed to fix that). He was hoping doctors could restore his eyesight.
Jim Collison
Today's Project #CravingEncouragement story comes from Jim Collison. Find him at The Average Guy website. Thanks, Jim for the encouragement, friendship, and support. Jim was one of the very first financial contributors to helping me get the Rode Rodecaster Pro here inside The Yellow Studio.
You'll hear Jim's stories at the very end of the episode.
"Old men are dangerous: it doesn't matter to them what is going to happen to the world." - George Bernard Shaw
But old men are dangerous for so much more. It's not that old men don't care, it's that they've learned what to care about most. Experience has taught them what matters and what's irrelevant.
Old men are dangerous because they're able to teach younger men the things they most need to know. Nobody can teach younger men more than old men. if only younger men would listen and learn. ;)
2019 has been a year focused on the old men in my life. In the spring I lost one. Others are growing weak and frail. Old men have always been very important to me. I've lot a handful of them over the years. Old men who taught me a lot, but I know there was so much more I could have and should have learned.
Old men aren't likely so different from old women. Not when it comes to the resource they are for those who are younger.
Younger is relative. Earlier this year I lost an old man in my life. He was 74. Meanwhile, there's another old man in my life who is 96 and still going. My dad. That's a 22-year spread and it makes me wonder when a guy goes from being a young man to a man, then goes to being an old man.
To a 10-year-old boy, a 25-year-old is likely an old man.
To a 25-year-old, a 50-year-old is for sure an old man.
To the 50-year-old...well, old just takes on a very different connotation.
Narrowing down the when is important. After all, old men are dangerous so we have to figure out who the old men are! ;)
I'll leave that to you to figure out for yourself.
I happen to think old women are just as dangerous as old men. If not MORE so. ;) So I don't discriminate. I'm equally fearful.
Being dangerous isn't restricted to being fearful though. There's dangerous in a good way. Sorta like the word "bad." Then there's dangerous in a terrible way. As in, "That concert was bad." That means the concert was awful. It can be good. As in, "That concert was bad." That means the concert was awesome.
Let's talk about the fearful. I grew up learning fear very quickly. Spanking was how all good kids were brought up. Not beatings. Not abuse. Spankings. I don't think it was a regional practice either. Rather, I think it was pretty universal born from years of practice sparked by Old Testament (and New Testament) teaching on discipline. "Spare the rod, spoil the child," and all that. It clearly was a defective form of discipline and training because most of the kids I knew addressed adults as "sir" or "ma'am." Classrooms were mostly well ordered and teachers, policemen and other authority figures were shown respect by all but the very worst kids. So it was clearly NOT the way to raise and train children.
I mean it's barbaric really. Better to have every child behaving like a spoiled hellion, smarting off to teachers, flipping off police officers and general showing disdain for anybody who dare suggest he not get his way. Society is greatly improved by our intolerance for any kind of physical discipline to show kids that they are NOT in charge. After all, the kids ARE in charge so let's treat them that way. Like the royality of all knowledge and wisdom we know them to be. Just like when we were kids, right?
When I was a boy old men were dangerous. Old women more dangerous. You got out of line and few things scared me more than an old man barking out, "Heyah! Heyah!" Hearing that would stop me dead in my tracks because I instantly knew I was caught misbehaving.
Old women would get physical.
"Steal a little and they'll put you in jail, steal a lot and they'll make you king." - Bob Dylan
That's a line from his song, Sweetheart Like You.
Life has many thieves.
Yes, many of them are people - robbers and thieves - but that's not the subject today. Today it's about the things that rob us of much more than money. Even though the thieves in the illustration for the show-notes have bags of money, that may be the least of our valuables that get taken. More accurately, the valuables that we allow the many thieves to take from us. The Sound Of Their Voice I watched 9/11 Phone Calls From The Towers, a documentary on Amazon Prime. It was emotionally wrenching. Survivors were thankful for the phone calls. They were able to have final conversations with their loved ones. Others got voice messages giving them recordings of their loved one's voice. They've gone to great lengths to preserve the recordings, some just a few seconds long.
Terrorists stole the voices of thousands of loved ones. One woman - a survivor - remarked how she'd been told, "You'll forget the sound of the voice."
As I watched this documentary I thought about how those recordings were likely both a blessing or a curse. These recordings, unlike this podcast, were produced under duress, fear, and sometimes the knowledge that death was imminent.
The comfort wasn't so much for the survivors, but for those trapped. There are two sides to the conversations and we may focus too much on the people having to hear the fear in the voices of their loved ones. But those folks who perished had an opportunity to express their final thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
Many of the deceased were able to make numerous phone calls to the people they cared for most. Phone records showed some of them made many calls. They were craving the voices of people who loved them, and the people they loved.
Other recordings were the radio transmissions of the first responders who never made it out. All this audio is priceless to the families adding to the legacy those families will embrace - that they had a loved one who died trying to save and serve the victims of the attack.
In the documentary the survivors recalled another sound. A sound coming from inside themselves working its way out of their mouth. Cries. Moans. Wailing. Sounds some of them admit they had never made before. Or since.
My father turned 96 in September. I have a little bit of audio of him, but not nearly enough. I need to get more. Just last week I got this snippet though. It was about his one and only fight. I didn't provoke the conversation. My mother did. :D
Think of all the people in your life who have passed. Some from your earliest childhood. What a blessing we have today with digital technology where we can easily capture and preserve the sound of voices. Can you imagine being able to hear your great grandparents? Or your grandparents? What about that close family friend you saw so frequently?
Those 9/11 survivors are right. You do forget the sound of their voice. Thankfully many of them have those voicemail recordings to remind them.
Time is a thief. Of a lot more than sounds. The Warmth Of Their Love This week I've been listening to a lot of female vocalists. Artists like Alexa Rose, Brittany Howard, Joan Shelley, Sheryl Crow, Tori Kelly and Freya Ridings.
It's gonna take heavy-duty AI-driven technology to flesh out how many songs exist about past love, broken love, missed love and all the other thievery that happens with love. Not just romantic love, but all sorts of love. Even a sentimental romantic like me grew tired this week of listening to all the songs about broken love. It goes to show you how universal it is.
Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
We all know it's better to have loved and not lost. Best to hang onto love.
A thief of love - just one thief because there are countless of them - is...
me and Stanly inside The Yellow Studio - June 17, 2010
Today's show mostly features audio that was recorded here inside The Yellow Studio on the weekend of July 17, 2010. My lifelong best friend Stanley came to visit. I want you to lean more heavily into the close friendships you've got. Make more of them. Do it today. The moments are precious.
Randy
Heb. 11:4 "By faith Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, through which he had witness borne to him that he was righteous, God bearing witness in respect of his gifts: and through it he being dead yet speaketh." The point is, our influence lives on even after we pass. Today's episode is more literal. Back on May 12, 2015 I published a blog post with this same title. It was the second anniversary of the death of my lifelong friend, Stanley James Elmore (April 11, 1957 - May 12, 2013). The blog post didn't stay online all that long. I took it down fearing I had shared too much. You'd have thought I'd have learned better.
Because I had recorded a podcast episode on May 9, 2013 just days before Stanley died. I took my digital recorder with me to the gym that day. I never went inside the gym. Instead, I sat outside in my car. It was rainy and you could hear the rain hitting the roof of my car as I poured out my heart. It was the most intensely personal podcast I'd ever recorded and admittedly, it was selfish. It was self-therapy. I took the episode down after a bit because I just didn't think I was being fair to you, the listener.
Two things prompt today's show. One, lately I've had a few dreams about Stanley. Nothing extraordinary, just dreams where he and I are doing what we often did - talking and cutting up. Laughing. Being snarky. Two, within recent months a few people have asked about that episode I recorded in my car. Evidently they listened to it and remembered it.
Okay, I've got a third reason. The memory of somebody I loved very much. It never goes away. My heart isn't as heavy as when I first lost him, but I have many days where I look at my phone and stare at his contact info...wishing he were just a click away.
Okay, there's a fourth reason, too. And this one involves YOU. As I keep pressing along with Project #CravingEncouragement I want to leverage the story of my friendship with Stanley to encourage you to take advantage of today to reach out to somebody who is important to you. I know there are many reasons why friendships lose their zest. And there are often valid reasons why people grow apart. I'm not going to be presumptuous to urge you to repair those. If you want to, do it. If it's possible. But instead, I'm encouraging you to lean more heavily into those relationships that ARE important, but perhaps some things haven't been said that ought to be said. Or they haven't been said in a long time. Make today the day you say them. Be brave. Be bold. Be courageous. You'll be glad you did.
Now for some context. There are lots of podcasts with friends talking and while I appreciate the endeavor, as a listener I rarely find value. I respect the fact that the audio is recorded and those people will be thankful they did a show together. That doesn't mean I get it. So frequently there are these inside jokes that only friends can understand. There's the context of our friendship that few others can appreciate or understand. I know it was that way for me and Stanley.
But I want to provide you some context and along the way I'm going to share some recorded conversations that took place right here inside The Yellow Studio in July 2010. All I want you to listen for is the lifelong connection between two guys who were in their early 50's at the time. Two guys who had known each other since birth. I just want you to hear the connection and love --- not to think about US, but to think about yourself and whoever is that for you. I want you to be very selfish. I want you to think about yourself,
Twice this week I got phone calls. From two separate people. People I care about. Not family. But people I love just the same.
Two different people. Two different circumstances. Different challenges.
Two people who trust me enough to lean on me for support. Two people who know me well enough (and who have let me know them well enough) to understand I'm a judgment-free zone.
This week was a rather slow week. ;)
I almost never go an entire day without getting such a call. I'm that guy! And I love being that guy. Because empathy is understanding and compassion is empathy in action.
Everybody has problems. Some problems are really awful. Others are more trivial but don't feel that way at the moment. It's our life and to us it's important. Vexing. Worrisome. Painful. Fretful.
Again, I don't judge it. I lean into my empathy (which is understanding), then I go all-in on compassion (which is the action empathy takes). But this isn't about me. It's about YOU. Well, okay, it's about ALL OF US.
Let's start with some hard truths.
Here in America, there's quite a lot of political unrest. Some want to impeach the President. Some oppose that. Here's the truth - your life might be impacted by the presidency, but not very much. The United States is still a free republic. Elected officials and unelected officials aren't to blame for whatever may be wrong in your life. And they won't help you fix it. Or sustain whatever success you may be experiencing. You may be very interested in all that stuff, which is fine. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that if your candidate were in office, it'd all be better. No, it wouldn't. It'll be better when you contribute to making your own life - and the lives of others around you - better!
Your parents won't save you. Well, okay, maybe they will. Maybe they'll try. And in doing so they'll be unintentionally hurting you more than they're helping. If you're under 40 there's quite a lot you've yet to experience. Among them...being smacked in the mouth with a major economic downturn. If you're under 30 and healthy odds are you don't have much of a clue about adversity. Mom and dad can't save you from every enemy attack. You have to learn to fight for yourself.
You're not in full control, but that doesn't give you the right to make excuses. I'm a Christian. If you're not, even if you're opposed to Jesus Christ, I'm not here to fight or berate your opposition. I'm simply providing you my context so you can better understand my perspective and why I believe what I do. This is important because humanism has elevated us - human beings - to godlike status. I don't subscribe to that notion because I believe in God, I believe the Bible is the word of God, and I believe Jesus Christ is God's Son who came from heaven and died so we could be reconciled back to God. In short, I believe Jesus is the Savior based on the Gospel story. Again, you don't have to agree with me, but it explains why I don't follow humanism and the notion that we have the degree of control stoics and other popular humanism philosophies espouse.
Accountability and control aren't synonymous terms. At least not the way I'm using them. We're all accountable. To God, to ourselves and to each other. But our control is limited. We're unable to control all the things that may happen to us. Some things happen because of our own foolishness, our own ignorance and our own ineptness. But some things happen in spite of our best efforts. Sometimes things don't work out even though we did everything as right as possible. External circumstances are often beyond our control. Timing is a real thing. So is serendipity. Then there are others. None of us are able to control others.
All of this is important not so we can make excuses or point fingers, but so we can be more determined to do our part to create and contribute to our own success. Our growth is largely within our control and nothing else.
Music fuels a lot of episodes around here. Today's show is no different. It was sparked by a song that Drew and Ellie Holcomb recorded on their last record, Dragons (August 2019). Track 3, "But I'll Never Forget The Way You Make Me Feel."
Drew and Ellie met in college. They're both 37. They've been married for about 13 years. I don't know much more than that, except what we can discern from the music they create together. I rather think that after 13 years they're still in love with each other and their music. It's a pretty sweet gig they've got going.
I've got my own sweet gig going. And today I'm going to tell you all about it. Okay, maybe I'm not going to tell you ALL about it, but I'm going to tell you enough about it to spark your own reflections into your own life. Especially the most important people in your life.
I intended this show - today's show - to be something different. I even teased it over at the private Facebook group. Love, Laughter and Levity.
The more I worked on it the worse things got. I kept getting stuck. And it's not because those topics don't have a heavy influence in my life. I'm not really sure why it was so hard. I started noodling around with the last topic, levity. Maybe that was a poor strategy. It's a pretty easy subject for me really because in spite of my sober demeanor I rather enjoy snarkiness, sarcasm, and levity. And I laugh pretty regularly.
I was walking, as I am wont to do in the wee hours and listening to tunes. At some point, I activated Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors latest record, Dragons. First up, a tune called, "Family." It's a short little lively song. 2 minutes 20 seconds.
It's a great video featuring many of Nashville's musicians and their family. Well, that's all she wrote. I was stuck now on a different course for this episode. I instantly went to the first L word of the proposed title, LOVE.
I'm a hopeless romantic. And very sentimental. Always have been. There is no cure. Warning this episode is going to lean into all this so if that's not your thing, I get it. It's a shame 'cause you're really missing out on some of life's most terrific elements in my opinion. But that's okay. If you want to hit STOP and catch the next episode, I'll try to understand even though it won't be easy! :D
By the time track 3 launched into my earbuds, a song I'd listened to many, many times before...I was a mess. "But I'll Never Forget The Way You Make Me Feel."
Here's a 37-year-old couple singing about growing old together. Him, unable to remember specific details perhaps, but always able to remember the way she makes him feel.
We're 62 now. Me and Rhonda. We are growing older together. We're pushing hard on entering year 42 of our marriage. Year 45 of being a couple. Being 17 or 18 and in love is pretty terrific. Being 62 and just as in love is even better.
It was likely a Saturday, but I don't remember that detail. Guess I'm a lot like Drew's song. But that's about the only thing I don't remember. We were out at a park at the far end southern end of Highland Road in Baton Rouge. Flying kites. At the northern end of Highland Road is the entrance to LSU. I lived somewhere between LSU and the park off Highland Road. Rhonda had come down from Ft. Worth to visit. We were already a couple. I was mad about her and getting more so by the day.
Attending classes at LSU was drudgery except for handwriting daily letters to take by the Student Union to drop into the mail. And checking my mailbox daily for her letters. It was a habit we maintained for over 2 years. Such was life in the 70's when you don't have Internet, cell phones or social media.
The music that weekend was a heavy rotation of Poco's album, Crazy Eyes. I was a bigtime Richie Furay fan, the leader of Poco. He had the talent to pull off a 10-minute title track song in what we then called progressive country music. My eyes were crazy for this Texas girl.
The Yellow Studio circa September 2019
It only took one day. To dismantle the Yellow Studio.
It took a small generous community of podcast supporters. To help make it become a reality.
Rode Rodecaster Pro now residing inside The Yellow Studio
The donors are now on a special email list where I've been keeping them updated. This group will continue to remain special and enjoy some inside updates. It's just one small way I can thank you for making the Rode Rodecaster Pro possible.
Now, let's geek out just a little bit for those of you interested in the technicalities of podcasting. For the rest of you, bear with me.
Years ago when I built The Yellow Studio there were basically two methods or workflows used in podcasting. The first was by far the most popular because it was the least expensive route, RECORDING. To be fair, all podcasts are recorded. That became the very definition of the medium - serialized, subscribable audio content. People could listen at will. On their own timetable. It was all pretty slick and we were as excited to get an email as we were to get a new episode of our favorite podcast.
RECORDING methodology just required a microphone and some software (much of it free). To gussy up the sound you needed fancier software. This also meant you spent time editing. The first recording wouldn't necessarily be the final version. This workflow demanded significant after-the-fact work.
BROADCASTING was the other methodology. This wasn't nearly as popular because it required hardware. And hardware was (still is) expensive. The benefits are high. The minute you hit "record" the sound is recorded digitally exactly as it will sound when listeners hit "play." Other than editing for content - not for sound quality - it's more of a "what you hear is what you get" process.
I instantly wanted to go the BROADCAST route because I preferred to put my work in ahead of hitting the record button. It wasn't about avoiding work. At least not for me. It was about when to do that work. I wanted to spend time doing the work ahead of recording, not afterward.
This meant investing in gear. Thankfully, I had the ability to make the investment. And I had some expert help in figuring out what I should get.
Click here for the episode I recorded in 2015 to answer the persistent question, "What does your studio look like?"
I embarked on finding and assembling equipment that was mostly broadcast quality. Built to withstand hours and hours of non-stop operating without any problems. In short, I was building a small 2-mic station with just about everything other than a transmitter. My transmitter was going to be the Internet.
The microphones came first. Two Heil Sound PR40 microphones. Others picked them because of longtime broadcaster/podcaster, Leo Laporte. Leo is a tech guy who has enjoyed radio and Internet success. He used the Heil PR40.
Well, I didn't know of Leo when I got the PR40s. But I had heard of Bob Heil because I was very into music. I also had (still have it) a fondness for the sound of great condenser microphones, but I knew my space wouldn't be ideal for a condenser mic because they pick up EVERYTHING. My space was going to be pretty solid for recording, but it wasn't going to be like a professional voice booth (commonly used by voiceover artists) or like a professional recording studio with extensive sound isolation. Enter the PR40. Its large diaphragm has condenser mic qualities in a dynamic mic.
Two Heil PR40s, each on its own boom arm and mounted inside its own shock mount. Those were the first items purchased.
Next came the coveted Aphex 230 microphone preamps. Radio people and voiceover artists alike have run to the Aphex sound for years. Microphones have to be plugged into something that can provide enough gain so you get sound. Enter the preamps.
The Aphex 230s - one for each mic - came next. They were among the first items installed in the six-unit gear rack.
I pulled the trigger on the Rode Rodecaster Pro. You're listening to it now. I'll update you on what's happening here inside The Yellow Studio at the end of the show.
Thanks to everybody who contributed. I'll be reaching out in the next few weeks to get the Skype calls scheduled.
Randy
Some nights ago. I don't remember what day. Or night. It's 2:15 am and I'm wide awake. Not uncommon.
I fire up Apple iTunes, where all my music resides, including the thousands of CD's I've burned. And the digital downloads I've purchased.
I slap on a pair of headphones, one of about four within arm's reach. I turn up the headphone amp to about 10 o'clock, plenty loud for me at this hour.
Jamestown Revival album UTAH is calling out to me for some reason. Released in 2014 it's been a month or more since I've given it a go...so why not. I've been practically living on their newer release, circa this year 2019, San Isabel. So it's time to dive into my catalog a bit.
This all happens because revival is on my mind. Their band name sparks it, but my love of their music is the draw. UTAH has a song entitled, Revival. So let's do it. I click PLAY.
It's track 6 and track 7 follows, a song entitled Truth. A theme begins to emerge and intersects what's been on my mind the last week or more.
Vince Gill's new record OKIE is a few weeks old and I've listened to it through a handful of times by now. As I'm pondering revival I start thinking of one particular song from this record, The Price of Regret. So I click PLAY and give it a go. Again. "Everyone knows the price of regret, the things in life we never forget." Regret. Revival.
By the time I get to the 11th track of Vince's new record (there are 12 tracks total), I've added a third R-word, reputation. The song is entitled, That Old Man Of Mine. It's followed by the last track, A World Without Haggard. Songs of reputation. Legacy. What we remember about people. What people remember us for.
Regret. Revival. Reputation.
I don't suppose all three are important to everybody. Some people claim to have no regrets. I think that's foolish.
Others refuse revival. Some perhaps because their character is so low they're nothing to revive. Did they ever have it? Maybe. Maybe not.
Some refuse revival because they don't want to revive it. Easier, perhaps more short-term fun, to remain in sin and suffering. No going back to a time when they were more noble, more innocent, more helpful and made a more positive difference in the lives of others.
So reputations are largely earned. Deserved perhaps. And I'm not talking about public reputation or how the masses feel. Most of us aren't subjected to that because we're mostly anonymous to the world. But inside our little corner of the world, we're known. For something. As something. What?
When my kids were quite small - toddlers really - I was spending considerable time with an old man who was an important mentor in my life. Weekly we spent hours together talking and studying. I was burning life's candle at both ends, spending close to 80 hours working and devoting time to church and family. It was exhausting, but I was young and didn't think much of it. Truthfully, my energy was quite high much of the time. So one weeknight each week sitting at his kitchen table - sometimes with my family in tow - wasn't burdensome. I wanted to know what he knew and was anxious to learn all I could.
One evening talk turned to family. He was a father with grown children. I was mere years into my own fatherhood and I inquired about regret. He said he had no regrets.
Here was a man I respected. A man 25 plus years my senior. I remember thinking of my own regrets and I had many years to go to reach his age. It seemed impossible to me, so I pressed him. "I can't think of anything I'd do differently," he said, referencing his fatherhood. I didn't pursue the conversation any further, even though I was supremely puzzled.
“It is better to be alone than in bad company.” ― George Washington Good stories have villains. Enemies. Antagonists.
Good stories have a protagonist. A champion. One hated by the villain. One constantly under besiege of the evil.
Which are you? Do you know? “You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” ― Winston Churchill In my insomnia, I've recently been binge-watching the Masterpiece Theater series, Poldark. It's a classic story set in old England where there is a very clear hero and an even more clear enemy. The villain, George, is a despicable character intent on doing whatever he can to disturb the life of the hero, Captain Poldark. He's a vexing sort of fellow, but I'm sure from his perspective he's constantly being persecuted by the good guy. Truth is, he likely sees himself as a good guy despite his conniving, evil actions.
As I've been watching the story unfold over the course of a few seasons the hero continues to show himself a man of strong conviction and character. He's unwavering. Unyielding. He bends to no one. He's a man of integrity willing to fight whatever fight must be fought.
Lots of tension. Lots of uncomfortable moments. Much like your life. And mine.
Enemies. Opposing sides.
People without compassion opposing people driven by compassion.
Evil people behaving poorly. Good people behaving with valor and honor. Mostly.
But even the good show signs of great weakness under the strain of life. Mortals behaving like humans who aren't able to always hold it together.
Betrayal. Heartbreak.
Love. Romance. Sentimentality. Passion.
Hatred. Bitterness. Jealousy. Resentment. “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” ― Abraham Lincoln Character. That's what we're talking about. The development, possession, and growth of character. The courage to do the right thing in spite of it all. “Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.” ― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird I don't claim to have expert insights on such matters. Mostly, I have curiosities, wonderings and ponderings. “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” ― Helen Keller I think Helen had it right. Character isn't built by luxury, opulence, ease or entitlement.
I'm curious mostly about the beginnings of character. The spark that begins. Or the lack of spark.
When I was a boy I loved creatures. Lizards, horned toads, frogs, turtles. Those were among favorites.
One of the most appalling behaviors I witnessed as a boy were kids who mistreated these creatures. I was always very careful with them and wasn't very interested in removing them from their home, the place where I found them. I handled them with care so as not to harm them.
A turtle was found in a nearby creek. As he crawled along the driveway an older boy appeared with a BB gun. He began to shoot the turtle in the head. I was horrified. And angry. He laughed. And kept shooting eventually killing the poor turtle. As you may imagine the boy was a bully of a kid. Despicable. And I've never forgiven him.
Today, I have a grandson who loves these creatures. He's fond of capturing them and carting them off. But around my house I've got a rule. No lizards (we have many) are to be removed. And when he captures them, they're to be returned to the general vicinity where he found them. His parents have no idea - until now - of my deep-seated ideas and how long I've held them.
It's a small thing. Or is it?
Where does it come from? I've often wondered.
Why was the older boy able to be so cruel to a helpless turtle? And why did he gain such pleasure in it while it caused me such great pain?
According to the Northwestern website, a spacecraft leaving earth needs a speed of 7 miles per second or about 25,000 miles an hour to leave earth's atmosphere without falling back.
I formed the habit of using metaphors and hyperbolic language to convey ideas in business. Early in my career, while leading and managing sales teams I intended to make things easy to understand and relatable. I started in sales so I suppose I did it because I sat through too many "sales meetings" where technical details, product details, and all the other dry, boring stuff was presented with all the panache of a cardboard box.
When the Eagle landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, I was 12. Maybe that had something to do with it. Business success, I learned, relied on having a successful launch (take off). But what does that mean? Well, it means you don't crash. And in order to avoid crashing, you have to keep flying. If you're flying high, like a spacecraft, then you have to get to orbit where you can safely fly without fear of crashing. That means you have to escape gravity. Technically, it's escape velocity - the speed required to get beyond the earth's atmosphere. Thanks to the brainiac physicists and other scientists we know the speed required - 7 miles per second.
Similar comparisons have been made to other forms of flight. Like regular planes. In business, we often talk about runways. Planes need runways. The bigger the plane, the longer the required runway. The visual is easy for anybody to understand. If a big plane is going to achieve lift-off, it needs a longer runway than some little lightweight single-engine plane. A business enterprise needs runway - cash and capital - to get lift-off.
It's all about getting a lift. Going higher. Getting up in the air. Getting off the ground.
But we're not talking about business. We're talking about leaning toward wisdom. We're thinking about our lives, which very well may include business and careers, but it's more than that. It's the total thing - every aspect of our lives. The complete person that is who we are. And perhaps more importantly, the complete person that is who we want to become. Our ideal self.
We're all trying to escape something.
"I won't feel sorry for myself," said Elizabeth the character in Poldark, an Amazon Prime TV series about who lost everything including house and status. It's a powerful declaration of a character determined to escape the misfortune that had befallen her. "We'll find economy and rebuild." Without knowing the end of the story, we believe her because she seems determined to build enough momentum to escape her present reality. She's headed toward escape velocity.
History teaches valuable lessons. Recently I revisited the 13 subjects crafted by Benjamin Franklin. He created a list of 13 things he wanted to work on to escape his status quo and go to new heights of achievement. Franklin formed the list while he was a printer in Philadelphia swimming in debt.
His idea was simple but brilliant. He'd devote one full week to each subject. After 13 weeks he'd start over again. By the end of a full year, he would have spent four full weeks on each item.
Little doubt Franklin thought by concentrating on these things he'd be able to escape the mediocrity and failure of his current life.
Here’s what Franklin wrote about these 13 subjects…and in this order:
Temperance – Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation Silence – Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation Order – Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time Resolution – resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve Frugality – Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. waste nothing Industry – Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions Sincerity – Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly,
Thirty-nine years today - around 6 am - August 17, 1980, a Sunday morning - we had a baby boy. We named him Ryan Dale. And it changed our lives forever. In all the best ways. We were now parents.
Today, he's all grown up. A father of three. A successful business owner, TruVision Property Inspections. A Christian.
It's fitting that I recorded an episode on his birthday. And it's even more fitting that I crafted this particular episode. My son makes me better in every way and provides a profitable melody that has definitely helped open my eyes through the years. Lord willing, we'll have many more melodies yet to come.
Enjoy the show!
'Cause people need a melody to open their eyes Like a key to a memory frozen in time Holding onto everything, you're stuck in the past Boy, when you gonna learn the world moves fast? The record is by The Head And The Heart. It was released back in May (2019). It hasn't been very well received by critics. I'm a fan of the band, but this record wouldn't likely make my top 3 for them. Even so, this track got my attention right away when the album was released. And I admit the rest of the record sort of grew on me.
You know I'm a sucker for compelling lyrics, which is why this track - People Need A Melody - got my attention. People need a melody to open their eyes I've walked a bunch of miles with this song playing in my headphones. Mostly during the hours of darkness. Ironic that a lyric about opening your eyes to see something more clearly has been listened mostly while walking in the dark. With no light other than what the moon provides.
When I first heard the lyric I admit it caused me to remember something from the Bible in 1st Samuel chapter 16. King Saul was tormented, but when David played his harp and then Saul felt better. Arthur Schopenhauer was a German philosopher and lecturer known as the “philosopher of pessimism.” Now that's a moniker one could wear proudly, huh? I don't know of his work and knew nothing of him until I began to search for who people claim first said, "Music soothes the soul." Doesn't much matter who said it because I know it originated in that story of King Saul in the Old Testament. Music soothed his savage soul. But the words written by Mr. Schopenhauer were interesting to me.
It has always been said that music is the language of feeling and of passion, as words are the language of reason.
Now the nature of man consists in this, that his will strives, is satisfied and strives anew, and so on forever. Indeed, his happiness and well-being consist simply in the quick transition from wish to satisfaction, and from satisfaction to a new wish. For the absence of satisfaction is suffering, the empty longing for a new wish, languor, ennui. And corresponding to this, the nature of melody is a constant digression and deviation from the keynote in a thousand ways, not only to the harmonious intervals to the third and dominant, but to every tone, to the dissonant sevenths and to the superfluous degrees; yet there always follows a constant return to the keynote. I know enough music theory to be dangerous. Dangerous to music theory, that is. ;) But I have a basic understanding of what Art wrote.
Music and melody is a great, great gift.
I don't trust anybody who doesn't love music. Nor am I likely to enjoy their company. #JustSaying
These ideas - sparked in part by this song - is why I recorded episode 5037 about shutting out the noise and the sights that would distract us from being our best. Last week's show was based on the latter half of the lyrics of the chorus... Holding onto everything, you're stuck in the past Boy, when you gonna learn the world moves fast? I'm fond of this idea, posed as a question...
You can base your future on your imagination, but I suspect most people don't. Instead, they get stuck in their head, focused on the past. And they allow their past to define not just their present,
“All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt I don't have a picture of me with blinders on, but I've got plenty of photos with headphones on.
I've intentionally been leading up to this for a while. My preoccupation for the last year has been learning how humans can be fueled by judgment. We love it. Most of us practice it proficiently. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Superior.
Part of my fascination with watching and learning more about this isn't because of my own perfection, but just the opposite. I've never felt superior to hardly anybody. Ever. I just don't think like that. I can be like most folks...prone to compare myself to others...but I'm more driven to understand people and spend my time working to figure them out. That's my worm-hole...observing, learning and trying to figure people out. So people for whom judgment - harsh, critical judgment - comes easily are a mystery to me that I try to better understand.
My journey includes a strong desire to obtain and maintain peace. It's less about making people like me, but more about working to avoid unnecessary conflict. I'm fond of productive conflict where people vigorously debate viewpoints in profitable ways. That is, when people argue a point with stated reasonings so you can learn why they think what they think. I'm equally unfond of people who want to argue with shallowness. "Why do you feel that way?" --- "I just do!" That's frustrating because it does nothing to help me understand WHY.
I judge people and situations plenty. All the time, in fact. But it's discernment. the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure It's the noticing that I can't seem to do anything about. I used to try to avoid seeing things. I can't. In fact, whenever I've tried to avoid seeing things it only intensifies my noticing.
I told a young person this week, "The thing I'd urge you to do sooner than later is to rid your life of the toxic, unsafe people in your life. I wish I had begun that process much sooner."
I currently have very few unsafe people in my life - people who are close enough to me to have any relationship with me. I steer clear of unsafe people because it's how I choose to live. And if they judge me for it, that's not my problem. I don't care.
Which serves to launch forth into the topic of caring. Or more appropriately NOT caring.
How can you stop caring what people think?
Boy do I not have this figured out, but I have made progress through the years. And I'm quite qualified to lay down some logic on you. Unfortunately, it's the emotional head trash that gets in the way. That stuff overrides logic. But reiterating the logic may help us find a path forward to stop letting the opinions of others - especially the people who don't matter to us - get in the way of our success.
I'm launching a new initiative that is hopefully going to be 100% of what I do professionally. Operating professional, paid-for, peer advisory groups for leaders. I'm currently working to build groups of SMB (small to medium-sized businesses) owners. Seven people in each group, with me serving as the facilitator.
I sent an email to a few of my Linkedin connections merely to let them know about it and to invite them to learn more. Once in a while I'll get a reply like this (this is word-for-word what the lady wrote back): I did not sign up for your emails, please take me off your list. I made a quick discernment and figured anybody who'd take the time to write that after getting one email, isn't likely somebody I'd enjoy working with. And I moved on. No, I didn't respond. I just closed the door behind her, respecting her request.
Years ago that would have gotten into my head. I'd have likely gotten critical of myself and perhaps looked more closely at the wording of the email. Today,
According to the book by Dan Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, research shows that the secret to high performance isn’t our biological drive or our reward-and-punishment drive, but our third drive—our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose.
Pink also reveals a new approach to motivation that has three essential elements: (1) Autonomy—the desire to direct our own lives; (2) Mastery—the urge to get better and better at something that matters; and (3) Purpose—the yearning to do what we do in the service of something larger than ourselves.
Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman's book, Pivot: How One Turn In Attitude Can Lead To Success, provides a 9 step attitude revolution to help the reader:
Evaluate your status quo Choose your mental strategy Curb the negativity blocking your success Improve your confidence Build stronger relationships Experience an instant boost in enthusiasm Make every day a successful day Stop worrying Overcome failure
I can't (well, I could, but I don't want to) count the number of books I have that preach a message of positive change, making a mental turn toward a more positive life and taking steps to climb out of failure so you can achieve success. If words would do it, I'd have done it decades ago. If words would do it, you'd think I'd expand the podcast and release daily episodes. But you'd be wrong. ;) We need words. Encouragement. But we need something more. Much more.
Do you know why thousands of books are published each year on dieting, health, and fitness? Well, sure. Because it's one of the biggest selling markets on the planet, but why is that? Why do people buy these books in droves?
For starters, most are likely searching for the magic bullet. The one trick that will finally provide the answer they've looked for all their fat out-of-shape lives! They'll keep looking until they find something that sounds easy enough for them to try. And if it works, "Eureka!" If not, they'll keep looking at those new releases.
Others aren't keeping an eye peeled on the books published. Timing is right and today, they're driven to search out an answer for their circumstance. Like a guy driving to work without a care in the world - especially no concern about his tires - they weren't looking at these books before today. But on his way home, he has a blowout. Now, he's very interested in tires. Twenty pounds later, in a scale staring epiphany a person decides, "Man, I've got to get a grip on my weight!" Now, they're looking at the various books.
Maybe it's all timing. Timing of the message. Timing of reception of the message. And let's not discount how the message is delivered. Spend some time at YouTube and if you're old like me, you won't hear much new, unless it's technology-based. All the expert testimony about human behavior is the stuff I grew up reading and hearing. And it wasn't new then either.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 "That which has been is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun."
Indeed. There's not much new under the sun when it comes to human behavior and what we chase. Or even in how we chase it.
As for books...
Ecclesiastes 12:12 "And further, my son, be admonished by these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is wearisome to the flesh."
Truer still. Books and books and more books. Largely a regurgitation of very ancient maxims wrapped in new clothing. I can buy a new suit, but it's the same old body underneath.
Sometimes we likely look like the apostle Paul did to Festus in Acts 26:24 "Now as he thus made his defense, Festus said with a loud voice, “Paul, you are beside yourself! Much learning is driving you mad!”
I may be mad, but it's doubtful due to too much study. ;) It's entirely possible though to read too much. To study about it too much. To think about it too much. Again,
Two documentaries about musicians prompted today's show. The artists are very different. One, I'm a big, big fan. The other, not a fan at all. I couldn't give you the title of a single album or song. But I'm happy I watched the documentary. And it was a far better-produced documentary than the one on the artist who I love.
I saw them on the same day, but I watched them in the order of today's title. The first, a documentary about The Jonas Brothers entitled, Chasing Happiness. The second, a documentary about Adele entitled, Adele - The Only Way Is Up. Both are available on Amazon Prime.
If I gave them a star rating I'd give Chasing Happiness 4.5 stars and I'd give Adele - The Only Way Is Up no more than 3 stars. I'm favorably biased toward Adele and her music. I was unfavorably biased against The Jonas Brothers. This just proves how dangerous it can be to fill in the gaps of our ignorance with our own biases. I don't mean biases that are the subjective nature of music. We like what we like. Both artists are labeled POP, but I'm not a big fan of POP. Certainly not the bubblegum pop that I associated with The Jonas Brothers.
Can an artist or group truly know why they experience a breakthrough? Both of these artists broke through with reasonable speed. Neither of them languished playing small out of the way venues for years before getting a break. Both of them found fast stardom.
The documentary provided evidence that The Jonas Brothers resonated with all the young girls (their dominate audience, especially early on) because they performed with such happiness. During the documentary, the brothers state that the audience wanted to see them having a good time. At some point during their heyday, they stopped having fun and the success suffered.
By contrast, Adele found an audience that could easily relate to her struggles and pain. Her songs were autobiographical, raw and honest. Anything but happy.
One artist - The Jonas Brothers - representing what we all most want. To be happy. To smile. To laugh. To have a good time.
The other artist - Adele - representing what we all fully understand. Struggle. Pain. Suffering. Heartbreak.
Both amassed tremendous audiences and found enormous success. Both went their own way. One, The Jonas Brothers, sorta lost their way and are now on the road back to doing what they love. They're currently on a tour, Happiness Begins.
Adele is reportedly working on a 4th studio album due out December 2019.
Two gigantic musical acts who approached their music from completely different viewpoints. And found quick success because people could relate to them, their songs, their persona and their talent. It all matters. So did their timing.
Lately I've been focused on how to best make people feel safe. Well, actually it's been a lifelong fascination with unsafe people. They puzzle me. Always have.
Emotional safety has been a lifelong pursuit. And I do mean pursuit. Both in trying to become increasingly more safe myself and in finding people with whom I can be safe.
No, I've not found it very often, but to be fair - I'm cautious and have always limited the number of people in my inner circle. I'm not overly guarded I don't think, but I may be. It mostly stems from my introversion and the fact that my personality is seriously drained by being around too many people. Sometimes it's more difficult than at other times.
You've heard me say it before - if given the option between two rooms to enter, where I could spend the next 3 hours - one filled with hundreds of interesting people and one filled with just six ordinary people - I'm dashing into the room with 6 people. I can't fully explain it. It just is what it is. And I don't judge anybody who would choose the other door. All I know is that I'd rather go narrow and deep than wide and shallow. That's my best explanation.
Human behavior is among the most curious areas of study for me.
The other day I was listening to some guys on the radio (yep, I still listen quite a lot to the radio, but that's because we've got a great one here in Dallas - The Ticket). Go to TheTicket.com and download their app so you can stream it free.
They were talking about the sweet spot of being on the planet. Artificial intelligence prompted the conversation which had started because of an article that talked about an AI-driven robot defeating 6 players at Texas Hold 'Em poker. The machine had played trillions of hands and learned how to win through deception, which is a big component of winning poker (so I'm told).
Then this past week that face app was all the rage with people taking selfies that could project, with alarming realism, what they may look like when they're old. With my face, I don't need no stinkin' app! I've got the real thing.
The phrase "deepfake" is now in our consciousness. The question being debated by the morning radio guys was, "How are we gonna ever know if what we're seeing is true or not?" Technology is allowing us to manipulate reality with convincing evidence.
Some think the robots - armed with AI capabilities beyond what we may be able to currently imagine - will destroy us. That prompted the notion that being a Baby Boomer is likely the ideal. Those of us born to the World War II vets between 1946 and 1964 fit that bill.
I'm one of them, born in 1957 in Ada, Oklahoma - a town not known for much of anything really until Blake Shelton hit big. He even released an album featuring the town water tower in 2014 entitled, "Bringing Back The Sunshine."
My family left Ada when I was in the 3rd grade moving to Louisiana. But I've lived in Texas far longer than any other state. I'm still an Okie. It's hard to explain, but I'll try. And along the way let's see if I can bring you some value as you figure out who you are because that's really the subject. Self-awareness. Self-identity. And the realization that somewhere, deep inside, we're still the little kids we once were. Roots run deep for most of us. And it's not just place that follows us the rest of our lives, but it's also time. The time when we grew up. And how.
So feel free to think about your childhood. Consider the days of your youth. Reminisce. I hope your memories are mostly good, but whatever they are - I hope you find a way to leverage them to make your future better.
Willis Alan Ramsey is a local DFW guy who grew up in the grand privilege of Highland Park, the wealthiest section of Dallas. He released one brilliant album in 1972. On it was a song about another Okie, Woody Guthrie..."Boy From Oklahoma."
The chorus goes like this... Just a boy from Oklahoma On an endless one-night stand Wan'drin' and a-ramblin' Driftin' with the midnights and He played the blues and the ballads And all that came between His heart was in the Union And his soul was reachin' out For the servant's dream I really grew up in Louisiana and I have a special fondness for the culture, music, and food of southern Louisiana, but I have always felt more connected to Oklahoma.
Sooner football was important early. I recall playing in the leaves in our yard in Ada tossing a football to myself, pretending to be a star athlete wearing the crimson and cream.
Sooner state born people were always on the radar. Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench (even though I was not a baseball fan), Tony Randall, Dale Robertson, James Garner, Ron Howard (hey, Opie) and of course, Will Rogers, the state's favorite son. These were the Okies of my youth.
Merl Haggard wrote and sang "Okie From Muskogee" but he was from Oildale. A city in California. But both his parents were Okies who migrated like tons of others during The Great Depression. I wonder what California would be like today if it weren't for The Gold Rush and The Great Depression. Anything with "the" in front of it is a big deal.
Well, all these Okies stars of my youth would be joined by country music...
Today, I went outside The Yellow Studio to record this special episode. I'm soliciting your input and insights.
Thanks for listening and for all your support of this podcast.
Should Project Craving Encouragement becomes something more than an episode (or two), or a regular segment of this podcast? If so, what should it be?
Get your thinking cap on and let me know.
Randy
Craving Encouragement: A Project Update
Thanks to you guys I'm closing in on the goal. I'm not there yet so if you're so disposed to make a contribution, do it.
A BIG THANK YOU to everybody who has contributed. Even you anonymous ones. You frustrate the snot out of me being anonymous but thank you just the same. Know this...
Participation in the project doesn't rely on your financial contribution. I'm super grateful for the donations, but I'm VERY anxious to gather your stories of a time when you were encouraged in a meaningful way.
Please click on that Support This Podcast tab in the navigation and learn more about how you can share those stories with me.
"Life is a marathon, not a sprint."
Yeah, who says?
Just another thing that sounds smart, but maybe it's not. Okay, forget about smart. Is it accurate? Not likely.
I watched yet another documentary on Janis Joplin the other night during another bout of insomnia. She died at 27. Along with a host of other rock and rollers like Jimi Hendrix. 27 seems to be a popular age to check out if you're given to excess. There's even a 27 Club.
I guess 27 years is a marathon compared to 2 years. Life is relative. But lifespan isn't usually what we're referring to when we say, "Life is a marathon, not a sprint." Mostly, I think people mean things take time. So the saying is really an exhortation toward endurance, patience and staying with it.
But it implies something more.
That slow and steady is the path to success. And that fast is the enemy.
Is that right?
Well, it can be. But not necessarily.
Truth is likely far more complicated. And difficult.
Human endeavor largely depends on our beliefs. That's why these are important subjects to discuss. Even more important to think about. And yet even more important to figure out so we can implement positive changes in our actions.
Does it take a long time to make a positive change?
Is growth always a marathon?
Can we not change our minds and our lives quickly?
We're human beings with greater capacity for achievement and adaptation than any creatures on the planet. Other creatures require more time to adapt because they have to experience changes before they adapt. Or before they begin to learn how to adapt.
Not us.
We can think about it in our minds before we ever experience it. That gives us the opportunity and ability to make changes quickly. Humans have the innate ability to figure things out. And quickly.
This may be on more of a micro or short-term level, but it has a macro or longer-term ramifications. We can figure out what to do next rather quickly about most things. People do things, say things and we face new circumstances or situations. If life were really a marathon we'd be stuck trying to navigate our way through all the new people and situations we face. But that's not the case.
Sure, some folks can do it more quickly than others, but every human being blessed with sufficient cognitive ability and mental health has the capacity to figure out rather quickly what to do. There's just one little catch. Okay, it’s not so little.
We don't always implement wisdom in figuring it out. Long-time listeners know how I define wisdom. It's not very complicated the way I think of it because I'm pretty simple. Wisdom is getting it right in real time. We can all get it right in hindsight. Some of us need a few times maybe. But the real catch is to figure it out in real-time. To get it right as it's happening.
It's really hard. The time pressure is real.
Many psychiatrists and psychologists have written and given talks about ways we can improve our brains. Which should translate into how we can think better. There's quite a lot written and said about reality. I bring this up because we don't always see the reality of time. Is this a sprint or a marathon? How can I tell the difference?
Sometimes you can't. But we seem to almost always be under the pressure o...
Project #CravingEncouragement Update
Update as of July 5, 2019
I'm just $80 away from the goal. Thanks to everybody who has made a financial contribution.
I'm still mostly wanting your stories of a time when somebody encouraged you in a meaningful way. You've seen and heard a theme in the recent shows because encouragement is an expression of belief. So I'm collecting stories of those expressions that others made in you. Why? Because it's so rare yet so commonly craved by 100% of us.
It speaks to perhaps an even greater tragedy - loneliness. People craving encouragement - that's all of us - likely also crave connection. Sometimes it eludes us. Sometimes we don't know how to foster it, attract it or even reciprocate it. The human condition is often helped by other humans. There's the irony of loneliness. And craving encouragement.
Do you want to participate? It doesn't require any money.
Go to the Support This Podcast tab in the menu to learn more.
Let's pick up where we left off last week thinking about our imagination instead of our past. But first, a word about thanksgiving.
Grace and gratitude.
A few weeks ago a social media guru released a statement. Don't let your friends change your mind. People quickly came to shout, "Hooray!" Okay, they didn't shout that, but there was loud approval.
Like many memes and quips I thought about it and instantly thought, "Well, it depends on your present state of mind."
If your friend were suicidal I'd hope you'd try to change their mind.
If your friend was tempted to cheat on her spouse I'd hope you'd try to change her mind.
If your friend was intoxicated and about to get behind the wheel of his car I'd hope you'd try to change his mind.
If you're in a funk do you not want your friends to try to help you out of it?
If you're discouraged don't you want your friends attempting to encourage you?
Things that sound smart, but are really stupid.
We're surrounded by meme-based wisdom.
"Don't overthink it."
"Stop and think about it."
Question: How can you think just right?
That's part of the power of being thankful. It's always appropriate. It's always right. It never fails. You can't say that about too many things. I mean to even use dramatic terms like "always" and "never" is remarkable. But it applies to being thankful.
It's ironic to me that the things we associate with grace - at least the things I associate with grace - fit that bill more than anything else I know. Yet, we're so reluctant to practice them.
Seems that if something was ALWAYS beneficial to us, and something that would NEVER fail us --- that we'd lean in as heavily into that as possible. Instead, we shy away from it or worse. We steadfastly declare we won’t do it.
Grace things.
Like being thankful.
Like forgiveness.
Like compassion.
Find a time or place where their practice won't help you. You can't. Which is why grace is so foundational to leaning toward wisdom. The benefits are just too vast and deep to ignore.
I know the secrets. At least 3 of them.
Stop thinking about what you don't have and think about what you do have.
Stop thinking about your lack and think about your abundance.
Stop thinking you're a victim and instead see yourself as blessed.
But the key is - you have to want to do this. Until you want to live with grace you'll never be able to. The second you decide you want to, you can. Instant power!
This is the beginning of spending more time in the place where you want to be. And we're assuming that where you want to be is good for both you and those who love you. That's not always the case.
Some people want what they want and if they hurt themselves and harm others - well, what's that to you? Those people are the biggest fools. Selfishness, lack of temperance (self-control) and lives filled with destructive behaviors aimed at sin, self and immorality are wasted lives.
She is Molly Tuttle and her newest record is When You're Ready. On it there's a song, "Make My Mind Up." Prior to this album, she was very bluegrass-ey. She's a talented guitarist and singer. And songwriter. This song formed a bit of an earworm when I first heard it. Click play on the YouTube video of it and you're liable to not get it out of your head for a while.
As usual a lyric got my mind going. Rolling it over and over. "If I could ever make my mind up..."
You know I've been fascinated over the last few years about our brains. Particularly, how we change our minds. How we change our thinking. All that neuro-science voodoo that I'm struggling to understand. It's hard to beat a guy when he's got his mind made up that he's going to win. - Muhammad Ali We consider it a quality of high character when a person has made up their mind. It denotes determination. Being settled. And that's good.
Well, it can be. But it can also be dangerous when a mind is made up about something that's wrong, untrue, destructive or damaging. I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear. - Rosa Parks A made up mind can be powerfully positive, helping us advance toward honest, desirable goals that benefit us and others.
A mind made up can also be powerfully destructive, preventing us from listening, understanding and growing beyond some prejudiced assumption. Or preventing us from realizing the harm we're bringing to ourselves and others.
On one hand, it can appear equal to tenacity, stick-to-it-iveness. Or it can appear to be self-serving stubbornness. And it's possible for it to be either of those. Or many other shades of gray on the scale of good for us versus bad for us. We'll call it the foolish versus wisdom scale given the title of this podcast.
It's not just possible, but probable that sometimes our minds are made up toward foolishness. It's not likely we see it that way, but maybe we're not seeing it for what it is.
A scripture leaps to mind.
Ephesians 1:17-19 "that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power..." New King James Version (NKJV)
All human beings have experienced having our understanding enlightened. The little kid who learns something for the first time. The teenager who learns to drive. The aspiring musician who learns to play an instrument. The first year attorney who learns to navigate the court systems. The first year chemist who learns how to operate in a commercial lab. Our lives are filled with firsts that serve to enlighten our understanding.
At my work-related podcast - Grow Great - I regularly use the acronym LUG. It stands for Learning, Understanding, Growing. It's what I hope to inspire in every business person who listens to that podcast. I'm aspiring to do it. Not really difficult for a person who needs to learn as much I know I need to. ;)
Business people fixate sometimes on their blind spots, fretful about what they don't know, or what they can't see. Sadly, too few do much about it other than worry. I wish it was restricted to just business people, but it's not. I suspect most of us roam the planet with self-imposed blinders on making sure we see things the way we prefer to see them. Nevermind that we may have it wrong. Or that other facts may enlighten our understanding. Some of us don't want to be enlightened. We enjoy (even embrace) our biases.
A closed mind can serve as protection I suppose. Or a roadblock. Depending on how you look at it. When it's our mind, it's protection.
The title is a lyric from the newest Jamestown Revival record, San Isabel. The song is, "This Too Shall Pass."
For those of you interested - and some of you are - here's some music I'm listening to at the moment...in addition to this new Jamestown Revival record.
The Hunts - Darlin' Oh Darlin' (2018)
The Hollering Pines - Long Nights, Short Lives and Spilled Chances (2013)
The Bones of J.R. Jones - The Bones of J.R. Jones (2019) - he is Jonathon Robert Linaberry but performs as The Bones of J.R. Jones (he's a solo artist)
Rickie Lee Jones - Kicks (2019)
American Aquarium - Wolves (2015)
Kylie Rae Harris - Kylie Rae Harris EP (2019)
And of course, I'm listening to the usual suspects as well. Mandolin Orange is still aways a big player. Anderson East, Jade Bird, James Morrison and Josh Ritter. There's so much good music.
Music and solitude go hand in hand for me. And writing. Sometimes drawing, which more closely resembles doodling these days.
All this listening to music violates the true meaning of solitude - which is defined by psychology in a way not quite to my liking. Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. The authors of a book, Lead Yourself First, give a more detailed definition that I rather like. Solitude is a state of mind, a space where you can focus on your own thoughts without distraction, with a power to bring mind and soul together in clear-eyed conviction. Simply put, it's freedom from distraction. Technically listening to music violates the definition I suppose. But I count it anyway. Lyrics and melodies provoke thoughts, but I consider that a positive distraction. It feeds my solitude. It's part of rest, restoration and rejuvenation.
A Coat Of Armor
We all have one. Because we all need one. Every now and again.
Truthfully, I think we need one more often than not. Sorta like being fully clothed. We spend most of our time being fully clothed. Okay, I won't get into a modesty debate just here, but you know what I mean. ;)
Not many people see me running around in my boxers and a t-shirt. It's a select few.
So it is with exposing ourselves sans armor. It's just not safe most of the time.
Armor is protection. You're likely thinking of the armor worn by knights in medieval days. Or maybe you're thinking of the body armor worn by today's soldiers or law enforcement officers. Here in Texas, you could even be thinking of armadillos.
We need armor to protect against attacks. From people intending to harm us.
Armor can also signify resilience, our ability to protect ourselves against adversity. Circumstances. Events. People. Situations.
It's not bad. It's necessary. And part of how we all must live our lives.
Introversion Versus Extroversion
Of all the personality traits these seem the most talked about. They're the biggest elephants in the room often used to describe ourselves or others.
I can only speak to my own introversion, which is part of my armor. Just like an extrovert deploys that quality as part of her armor.
My introversion appears quite frequently like extroversion. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain it. My way of looking at it is based on my internal energy. When my armor is weakened, I retreat. It's one way I can refuel and attempt to fortify myself. Attempt being the operative word. ;)
I suspect extroverts do the opposite. When their armor is weakened, they likely seek the company of others in their effort to recharge and renew strength.
Such is the individual nature of our armor - whatever characteristics and qualities make up our armor are largely individual to us. While it's true that we're much more alike than not, it's the subtle nuances of our personalities that make us US.
In medieval days a big part of the armor was the shield. You could judge a knight by his shield. It was a primary identifier. For whom is this knight fighting? Who and what does he represent?
Our armor,
Cue R.E.M. singing, Losing My Religion.
I've said too much.
I haven't said enough.
The quandary for a communicator.
When my children were young I remember telling them how they were cursed with a father who would likely go to the grave having said too much. I can't fully explain the urge to connect and communicate with my children. Or anybody else I love. It's a powerful urge.
One I mostly answer with rare exceptions.
The exceptions are when I sense little or no desire on the part of the other person. I quickly - usually - accept it and allow my introversion to kick into full gear. It's easy really. To climb into my head and be alone there for extended periods of time.
Faith.
Nothing is more important. Nothing. And for good reason.
Eternity changes everything.
My faith isn't blind or without compelling evidence. It's based on the Bible and I know people can hurl barbs against "religion" and faith. It's fine. I'm not too bothered by it. Mostly, I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have been taught the Truth of God's Word. I hit the proverbial lottery because I didn't have to go searching for God or the Truth. It was handed to me on a platinum platter. My wife and I did the same for our children.
Kevin Stevens is a 2-time Stanley Cup winning retired NHL'er. He played with the likes of Mario Lemieux and was an outstanding left winger for the Pittsburg Penguins. He earned over $21 million during his playing career (and that in an era where players didn't earn many millions per season like today). He squandered it all. Wrecked his health. And his marriage. And his relationship with his kids. And his parents. And the rest of his family. And teammates who loved him.
He hurt everybody who loved him. Mostly, he hurt himself with heavy doses of shame, self-loathing and guilt.
Addiction will do that. Always. 100% of the time.
Every story is uniquely identical.
Take a human being. Insert drugs - legal or otherwise - and watch the person turn their life completely around. Not in a good way.
180 degrees.
It happens every single time.
I've heard stories from dozens of people from all walks of life. All kinds of educational (or lack thereof) backgrounds. People engaged in every kind of work you can imagine. People with strong convictions based on faith and people who never had faith.
Mostly ordinary moral people living decent lives.
Then giving it all up.
Becoming immoral, reckless, selfish, despicable people steeped in shame and embarrassment. But refusing to face it because masking it is easier. Riding on a train track taking their lives into an abyss they never planned. Living in ways they never imagined possible. Finding their lives in a new normal that is deplorable compared to who they once were.
Loving nobody but themselves. Caring about nothing but how victimized they feel by anybody and everybody who has ever loved them.
Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Crawling into ever descending gutters of human choice they can find or create. All the while feeling worse and worse about themselves but unable or unwilling to change their course.
Take any breakable item you'd like. A nice plate. A favorite coffee cup. A bowl. Something you enjoy. Something you find valuable - not necessarily expensive, but something you esteem regularly because you use it and it brings you joy.
Throw it on the floor. Treat it as though it now no longer matters to you. Treat it as though it has betrayed you and made you angry. Break it into as many pieces as possible and see it scattered across the floor. Gone! Destroyed.
Unable to hold your morning coffee.
Unable to hold your favorite breakfast cereal or dessert.
The item you once loved now broken into so many pieces you can't count them all. And you wonder, "How will I ever get this back together?"
Shattered lives are far more difficult to put back together though.
The glassware doesn't fight your work to put it back...
Last month I read an article entitled, "Ron Howard once explained why Opie's attitude changed after the first season of The Andy Griffith Show."
One little segment of the article grabbed my attention. What would happen if Opie knew that Andy was smarter than him? How about if Opie actually respected his dad? I just thought it might be different.' I'm betting you never knew that Ron Howard's dad, Rance, influenced the show to completely change how Opie behaved, especially with Andy. It's some valuable insight on parental wisdom.
Every parent is challenged by kids who think they know more than they do, and who think they understand more than they do.
Research tells us the human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25. According to the University of Rochester Medical Center website, the rational part of a teen's brain works very differently than adults. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the rational part of the brain. That's the part of the brain that provides good judgment. Without that, you'll never lean toward wisdom. It's the part of your brain that calculates the long-term consequences. Teens live by processing things with the emotional part of their brain. In their brains, the connection between rational and emotional is still developing. That's why teens live drama-filled lives. It's also why they're often unable to explain what they were thinking. "What were you thinking?" asks every parent! They don't know because they weren't thinking so much as they were feeling.
Parenting is hard. Really hard.
Grandparenting is way easier.
Partly because we now have a perspective we lacked when we were young. We can see things we'd have done differently. Plus, the burden of all the child-rearing decision making isn't on us. When that pressure isn't there on a daily basis...it changes everything. And that distance from these kids we love provides a mutual viewpoint - the way they see us and the way we see them - that serves us both. We're able to model behavior so they have a role model to remember. They're able to keep us lively and maintain sight of what it's all about. That life is mostly about how much value we can provide one another.
As kids grow up, they hopefully become increasingly aware of how self-control looks. Teens are impulsive. Adults should not be. Instead, we hope to display thoughtful intentions to our kids. We want them to see that we're making decisions with a long-term view. That's why we don't buy stupid crap. It's why we save. It's why we behave responsibly. We hope by showing our kids what wise behavior looks like, they'll embrace their own lives of wisdom.
But that question that serves as the title of today's show is fascinating. What would happen if kids knew their parents were smarter than them?
Sadly, I know some parents who aren't smarter than their kids. Well, to be more accurate, they don't behave smarter than their kids. Parents who are colossally selfish, highly emotional, short-term thinkers given to consistent impulsive behavior. What do their children think? Better yet, what do they feel?
I can only theorize, but it can't be good for the parent. In what surely should be one of the most important relationships on the planet, kids should grow up respecting their parents not because it's demanded (or just because God commands it) but because the parents behave in a way to warrant it. Too many don't. They betray their children and forfeit respect.
The more I thought about the question the more I kept turning it around a bit. What would happen if parents were smarter than their kids and acted like it? Then, in keeping with the theme of this podcast I changed "smarter" to "wiser."
What would happen if parents were wiser than their children and acted like it?
What would that look like? For the parents? For the children?
Rance Howard knew his son's TV character, Opie Taylor, would behave more respectfully toward his TV dad, Andy.
Here's a link to the Instagram post that caught my eye when it was posted just Wednesday. The photo is an older gentleman laying on his side, leaning on one arm - in what appears to be a park. He's somewhere in Paris, even though the Instagram account is HumansFromNY. Sometimes the posts are from other places. It's a fascinating account. The gentleman pictured looks like Walter Matthau.
The post copy says this: “One day she told me she was getting a lawyer. I tried to play catch-up, but it was too late. Apparently I wasn’t enough of a leader in the relationship. We’d fallen into too much of a routine. Or at least that’s what I was told. I’ve been alone for thirteen years now. The hardest part for me was losing the sense of family. My youngest daughter barely speaks to me anymore. I’ve seen her maybe fifteen times since the divorce. I have a five-month-old granddaughter that I haven’t even met. I don’t understand it. I wasn’t that bad. I didn’t openly argue with their mother. I never had an affair. I was present. I was affectionate. Maybe I was a little strict, but she was a tough teenager. We were afraid for her. She was only fifteen and going to nightclubs. There was a lot of screaming back then: ‘you’re an asshole,’ ‘you’re not my father,’ things like that. And maybe her mind is still locked in that time. Now we speak maybe once a year. Whenever I ask her about it, she feels attacked. It’s awkward. There’s no familiarity anymore. And it’s not getting any better. Time is working against us. Because I feel like I’m losing the feeling of being a dad. Of loving. Of caring. Obviously that’s not true, or I wouldn’t be talking about it. But everything fades eventually. At least when someone dies, you can mourn. It’s so much harder when someone just disappears.” (Paris, France) A recent headline captured my attention.
Selena Gomez Says Her Girl Squad Kept Her From Hitting Rock Bottom
Not because I'm a Selena Gomez fan or follower, but because I have had people in my life who struggled with making poor decisions. I'm in no position to dispute or comment on Selena's life or struggles. I've read enough to know that like many young performers she's had her share of life struggles. Beyond that, nothing is clear to me.
She's human. She struggles sometimes. She's from here in the DFW area where life was hard. Poverty and the assorted ailments that accompany it were part of her life.
She hit big by getting on the Hannah Montana show and by 16 she had a recording contract. I respect what I know of her rags to riches story. But once again I stress - she's human. She struggles sometimes.
I hope she's doing well. And perhaps her girl squad indeed did keep her from hitting rock bottom. Let's assume hitting rock bottom wouldn't have been a good thing for her - the catalyst to propel her forward. We hope people who hit rock bottom use it for their benefit, but some (perhaps most) don't. Selena may be among them. I don't know.
Hitting rock bottom has been on my mind for the past 6 months or so. Sparked by somebody I care deeply about. Somebody behaving dangerously. A life filled with self-destruction. A life that went from serving and helping others to a life immersed in selfishness and hurt. A wasted life. We've all seen it happen. Many of us have seen it happen to somebody we know - or used to know - well. We lament that we're unable to influence them to find their way back to a more positive way of life. A life that's profitable for them and others.
I'm not mathematically or scientifically inclined, but if I were - and if I were young - I'd head straight into neuroscience and psychology. I was looking around at the books that surround me. Mostly, my books fall into a handful of categories:
a. Religious (Bible commentaries, Bible dictionaries, biographies, debates and more)
b. Business (that includes biographies)
c. Psychology (the mind, why people do what they do, etc.)
d.
See him wasted on the sidewalk in his jacket and his jeans, Wearing yesterday's misfortunes like a smile. Once he had a future full of money, love, and dreams, Which he spent like they was going out of style, And he keeps right on a'changing for the better or the worse, Searching for a shrine he's never found, Never knowing if believing is a blessing or a curse, Or if the going up was worth the coming down.
He's a poet, he's a picker, He's a prophet, he's a pusher, He's a pilgrim and a preacher, and a problem when he's stoned. He's a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction, Taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home.
He has tasted good and evil in your bedrooms and your bars, And he's traded in tomorrow for today. Running from his devils, Lord, and reaching for the stars, And losing all he's loved along the way. But if this world keeps right on turning for the better or the worse, And all he ever gets is older and around, From the rocking of the cradle to the rolling of the hearse, The going up was worth the comin' down.
He's a poet, he's a picker, He's a prophet, he's a pusher, He's a pilgrim and a preacher, and a problem when he's stoned. He's a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction, Taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home. The lyrics are by Kris Kristofferson. The song is "The Pilgrim, Chapter 33." It appeared on his second album released in 1971, "The Silver Tongued Devil and I." The man can write. This song has so many great lines it's tough to single in on any one of them. You know me, few things captivate me like a great lyric and this song could supply at least half a dozen episodes.
Many people have experienced it. Both the going up and the coming down.
Sometimes I get on a biography roll. Reading them. Watching them on TV. A week or so ago while doing some writing and other computer work I decided to stay tuned to the NFL Network and watch a series of episodes of A Football Life. It featured coaches. Mike Ditka. Mike Holmgren. Marty Schottenheimer. Don Shula. Jimmy Johnson. Bill Cowher. And more. It was a nice biography marathon.
Great football coaches. Different each and every one. Some won more than others. But Mike Ditka, perhaps the fiercest of them all - certainly the biggest bull in the china closet - used Kristofferson's line at the end of his episode, "The going up was worth the comin' down."
I was in my early teens when I first heard Kristofferson. We mostly knew him for the song made famous by Janis Joplin, "Me and Bobby McGee." He was flying helicopters in southern Louisiana for an off-shore oil company when he wrote it. For some reason, I remember that. I likely read it in Rolling Stone. And likely remember it because I was living in Louisiana.
Even as a kid I was a sucker for a good line. Kristofferson could write great lines. Not surprising since he was a Rhode scholar at Oxford and proficient in the English language. He had 2 of the 3 skills I most admire: language and music. Art, specifically cartooning, is the 3rd. For all I know Kris is a great closet cartoonist. Wouldn't that be something? ;)
Going up. Coming down.
Of course, going up is worth coming down - assuming you survive the coming down. Velocity will determine that. If you come down fast enough, you'll hit hard enough...it'll kill ya! Worth it? Well, it depends.
It depends on how high you went and how old you are when you come down. Ideally, you go very high, stay there for years, and toward the end of your natural life - say somewhere around 100 - you crash and burn. Totally worth it!
But if you go up to step ladder height and you're not yet a teenager, but you fall and hit your head, killing yourself (or worse)...so NOT worth it. But I doubt Kris was scrutinizing the line so much. Many good lines can be ruined by over examination. Just take 'em as they come and don't rob them of their glory.
Up. Down.
“This is my letter to the world That never wrote to me” ― Emily Dickinson
This is my letter to the World, That never wrote to me,-- The simple news that Nature told, With tender majesty. Her message is committed To hands I cannot see; For love of her, sweet countrymen, Judge tenderly of me!
Ms. Dickinson's poem was first published in 1890. I'm not a poetry expert. Honestly, I don't know that anybody really knows what the poem means, but that opening line has long captured my imagination.
Nicole Burns offered this explanation on Prezi: "What Emily means by this is that she wrote a letter to the world but the world doesn't know who she is since she never leaves her home. She also writes about what nature has taught her in hopes to teach other people lessons. In the closing of the poem she asks the readers to not judge her harshly on what she has written." I suppose such writing can mean whatever meaning we ascribe to it. My first thoughts when I saw the opening line I instantly had some notions. They've remained with me through the years.
What are you telling the world, even though the world has never asked?
What story are you continuing to share with the world, even though the world isn't writing back?
What are you saying to the world, even though the world may not be listening - and may, instead, be judging? Permission The Internet empowered us to become our own publishers. Emily had to rely on somebody with a publication to print her creations. The time from creation to publication to consumption in her day could easily be years. I can write these shownotes, record a podcast and hit "Publish" and within nanoseconds it's online. Within seconds, or minutes (at most), the podcast will be in every major podcast directory on the planet. You can do it, too. No permission or talent required.;)
But just because we don't need permission doesn't mean the world is going to care. Or pay attention. Or that haters won't hate. Emily and every other person who creates anything, or says anything, or does anything is going to endure harsh judgment. Judgment Is Easy None of us have a tough time with it. And for good reason. We have incomplete knowledge and understanding. We don't know what we don't know. So we fill in the gaps of our knowledge with assumptions and opinions. Finding out - gathering more information, asking more questions, going directly to the person (or the source) - and working hard to understand, that's tough work. And takes too long. Far easier to just complete the story on our own, then close the book.
The world never wrote a letter to me. And so I suppose that makes it sort of fair for the world to do as it pleases. Including harsh judgment.
Fair doesn't mean it right. Or that it's justified. It just means I understand it. What's Your Letter To The World? What would you like it to be? What do you choose it to be?
First, we've got to think about our view of ourselves. Psychologists divide our views into two distinctly separate and different perspectives: 1) you were born as you are and the outcomes of your life are largely beyond your control or 2) you get to choose your outcomes (you have control over your life).
Moments of decision make up your life.
Your decisions matter. Your first decision really matters. You must pick one of the two perspectives I just mentioned. Basically, the choice boils down to whether you want to be a victim or in control of your own destiny. So which is it?
This sounds like an easy decision, but it's not. It also sounds like it would be reasonable and rational to only pick the second option. Yet, we don't always pick that one because...
We've got lots of reasons to feel victimized by others, and by life itself. Everybody suffers. REM sang it correctly, "Everybody hurts...sometimes." Truth is, suffering occurs a lot of the time.
That second choice is our only choice IF moving forward is the point.
Project Craving Encouragement Update
Some personal stuff got in the way, but I'm pushing through. Doesn't that often seem the case?
I'm growing increasingly intent on ramping up the project because daily - every SINGLE day - I see the need. The need for encouragement. Mostly, I see the lack, which prompts the need. And I wonder why the gap is so cavernous. And growing. I've got some theories. But whatever the reason it's something we can all do. A contribution we can all make. To let somebody in our life know we're aware of their struggle and that we believe in them.
Do it for somebody today. Fill the silent craving people have for encouragement. Lord willing, somebody will fill it for you, too.
Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I say unto you, Be not anxious for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than the food, and the body than the raiment? Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit unto the measure of his life? And why are ye anxious concerning raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God doth so clothe the grass of the field, which to-day is, and to-morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Be not therefore anxious, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? For after all these things do the Gentiles seek; for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Be not therefore anxious for the morrow: for the morrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (American Standard Version) Context matters. What the Lord said here in His Sermon On The Mount is accurate and true. I believe it, in spite of the title of today's episode. I just don't use the word "anxious" as He did. He used it to mean worry, or fret. Don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow is going to have enough problems all its own. Take care of business today. Trust in God today.
That doesn't mean you sit back and wait for God to just take care of you like a magic genie. That's not God's role in your life. God is God and wants to help every one of us - mostly He wants us to be saved in Heaven.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life."
God isn't some Grand Puppeteer either. He doesn't coerce or force us to do anything. We decide for ourselves. The Lord was preaching that we ought to trust God more and more, do our work to obey Him and stop worrying about what may happen to us here, in this life. Mostly, because if we're faithful to God He'll save us in Heaven forever.
I'm using anxious in a very different context. I mean it in the sense that we look forward to something. Kids go to bed on the night before their birthday anxious to enjoy a party and celebration where they can open presents. They're anxious for it to happen. There is no dread or worry, only anticipation looking forward to a good time. THAT'S how I mean anxious in today's show.
I Wanna Look Forward To Tomorrow Old man spat and cursed as he spoke "It's all going to hell and the whole world is broken" The little kid is busy making plans Save the whole world along with that old man
So as far as I can see A better way for you and me Is to let the children run the show Not too long and we'll be good to go
All the girls and boys will sing Come tomorrow we get everything So as long as we survive today
Somewhere along the way is a terrific lyric and song title by the band, DAWES. Click play on that video and give it a listen.
These are the last lyrics to the song... But somewhere along the way I started to smile again I don't remember when Somewhere along the way Things will turn out just fine I know it's true this time So many things happen somewhere along the way. The older we get, the further up the trail we travel. Somewhere along the way just about anything and everything happens. Things we didn't bargain for. Other things we caused. Intentionally. Unintentionally.
Every life consists of the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. It's the dramatic contrasts that make up every life. Life may be a highway, but it's not quite like that open, clear and straight stretch. Well, not for long. Our lives have bumps, twists, turns, potholes and hazards. Unlike Waze, which warns us, life doesn't always provide ample notice.
But today I'm not concentrating on the downside. Or the unexpected drama. Instead, I'm thinking of the things we've been able to figure out somewhere along the way. The lessons we learned. The growth we experienced. All because we're on this highway of our life with more road ahead of us to traverse. Feeling the need, if not the urgency, to get it even more figured out so we can have the best journey possible.
Today, and I suppose every day, it should be about our collective efforts to help each other figure it out so we can make the trip profitable, impactful and memorable.
Do you know what's mostly missing from that featured image for today's show? People. There are no people in that image and that makes the trip boring, unprofitable and pretty worthless.
This morning I had a long breakfast meeting with one of my former clients - one of my very favorite former clients. We spent considerable time talking about relationships and why we matter to each other. Not just he and I, but why so many people in our lives matter. We both know it's because somewhere along the way we needed somebody, and somewhere along the way, we were needed by somebody.
Let's face it. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. There's a considerable amount of hatred, bigotry, and judgment. Somewhere along the way, we lost our compassion. Somewhere along the way, grace gave way to harsh condemnation. Somewhere along the way many of us lost our way in how to build meaningful relationships with others.
Somewhere along the way we lost our willingness to cut each other some slack.
Somewhere along the way we lost our curiosity to confirm whether our assumptions or conclusions were accurate or not.
Somewhere along the way we lost our way toward living more deeply honest lives, opting instead for Internet fame measured by followers, shares and likes.
Somewhere along the way we lost our humanity. Our hearts grew colder, more judgmental and bitter. Resentment overtook us and somewhere along the way we embraced feeling victimized. We surrendered our hearts and our control over our own choices.
Of course, we didn't all lose it. Or surrender it. But it's growing increasingly difficult to guard our hearts and protect ourselves from the hatred, intolerance and harsh judgment.
Somewhere along the way lots of people got lost. I watched Operation Toussaint on Amazon Prime the other day. It's a documentary about Tim Ballard, an ex-Homeland Security officer who is now the founder and CEO of Operation Underground Railroad, a non-profit dedicated to rescuing enslaved children. According to Tim, the population of enslaved people is higher today than at any other time in human history. According to AntiSlavery.org, there are an estimated 5 million children enslaved throughout the world. That number proves the high demand of sick people willing to sell, buy and trade children for sex or work. Somewhere along the way these people stopped behaving as humans with care, concern, and compassion for children.
The title is a line from William Faulkner’s 1930 novel, As I Lay Dying. I don’t know if you believe in an afterlife or not. But the line Faulkner wrote during the 168 or so odd hours he spent writing this story, from the hours of midnight to 4 am over the course of six weeks, captures not only our imagination but our emotions. It’s not lost on me that 168 hours is also the number of hours in one week. Nor is it lost on me that this work was produced in 1929 while Faulkner while worked night shifts at the University of Mississippi Power House. I suppose keeping tabs on a power plant at night isn’t arduous enough work to prevent a writer from writing. But then again, perhaps nothing is powerful enough to prevent a true writer from writing. He’d just gotten married and was only 32.
I’m well past 32, but the line he wrote in the wee hours of one night in 1929 provides sober notions of what really matters in our life. And provides some sense of urgency about what we must do with life in this sphere.
In 2016 a TED talk was published featuring Robert Waldinger, the current director of a 75-year study on adult development. In the presentation, Dr. Waldinger, a psychiatrist, asks and answers the question, “What makes a good life?” I only take issue with the lack of spiritual considerations, but you should take about 13 minutes and watch it. Spoiler alert: it’s relationships!
It’s not money. Or fame. Or power. It’s people. It’s connection.
From a work perspective – and even a personal perspective – our lives are largely measured by the people in our lives. Those we surround ourselves with. Those who allow us to surround them. “Memory believes before knowing remembers.” That’s another line from the novel. Brilliant enough to make me envious of Faulkner’s wordsmithing talents.
Leaning toward wisdom is hard work. Doable, but hard.
This is about living. It’s about living in a way where we have far more great moments than not. Where we’re impacting people by helping them achieve levels of success unlikely without us. Where our family, friends and other people we care about are positively influenced by us. Where encouragement is high.
I'm driven by two words: legacy and significance.
I don’t consider Faulkner’s words to be so morose. I consider them challenging. Challenging us to get to the heart of the matter. To face the reality of why do what we do, or why we make the choices we make. Of all the things we could be doing instead of whatever it is we’re doing — we’re choosing to do this. Why?
Death is the end of life here. If we assume we’ll live to be 80 or older, it’s not a lot of time. You’re likely between the ages of 27 and 70. Maybe you’re younger. Maybe older. No matter. You’re either statistically ahead of the “death curve” or behind it. Meaning, you’ve either got more future in front of you than past, or you’ve got more past behind you than future in front of you. This timeline of life is always moving us further up the road toward the end. It’s our reality. All of us.
What Are You Doing With Your Time?
The crux of my work with CEO’s, business owners and leaders isn’t time management. For starters, I don’t believe in it. Not for myself anyway. I prioritize on the fly. Always have. I scan what’s happening and immediately (with speed) put the urgent and important thing up at the very top. Urgent but less important things tend to not be considered urgent for me. I have trouble labeling anything urgent that isn’t important. Illustration: I was out and about and my gas light came on. I pulled into a gas station and fueled up. The morning 38-ounce water bottle I had emptied was catching up with me. I had the urge, but the gas station was one of those cashier booth only kind of places. So I fill up and head toward home. By the time I got home it was urgent. Might not seem so important, but tell my bladder that. It was URGENT. And it was IMPORTANT. I guess somebody may be able to convince me there...
I'm going to blow things up and reassemble them, hopefully with a much faster design with an intense focus on mobile experiences. My hosting service - purchased from MapleGrove Partners - is crazy fast and great. I love it. You should buy it if you're looking for rock solid, inexpensive hosting that is ridiculously secure. I don't get a single penny for recommending it, but you should buy it today!
But my site is bloated. It happens. Wordpress is terrific and I've loved it for many, many years. However, things accumulate. Premium themes, even great ones, have limitations that require extensive plugins, unless you're a hardcore developer/coder (I'm not). Page loads slow down. Queries pile up to the sky. Things don't play as nicely as they once did.
So it's time to blow it up and reboot with a fresh no-nonsense approach. Mobile users, which now accounts for 63% of web users with 37% consuming their content on a desktop. That was the last study I saw back last summer. I'm quite certain that the mobile number is rising and the desktop number will continue to come down.
When we're on a mobile device we don't stop to admire the pretty design. We simply want to get what we're after. Minimalism works. Fancy doesn't.
Brace yourself because I'm going for speed, speed, speed and ease, ease, ease for folks who visit this website. I won't be posting anything until I get it done and I can't promise the site will look like much of anything as I'm working the kinks out. I'm keeping it live instead of opting for some maintenance plugin. No need to make things more cumbersome than necessary.
I'll be back as soon as I've got things mostly under control. In the meantime, if you're not yet inside the private Facebook group, now would be a great time to join so you can keep up with what's happening.
RC
Help The Yellow Studio & The Leaning Toward Wisdom Podcast Get A Rode Rodecaster Pro
Now that Sweetwater has the unit, I'm linking up their E-gift-card link (you can enter ANY amount you want): https://www.sweetwater.com/shop/gift-cards/email
Use email: RandyCantrell@gmail.com
The Reward - For A Special Leaning Toward Wisdom (LTW) Episode
• 10-minute Skype call with me (30 minutes if you donate $25 or more) • The topic: tell me about a time when somebody really encouraged you in a meaningful way • This will provide content for a special episode about encouragement • I'll include your name and any links you care to promote (or if you prefer, you can remain anonymous because I still want the stories)
It's the power of others. And it includes the power of others to help the LTW podcast.
Thank you for all your support!
Denny Crane wouldn't change one thing about himself. Alan Shore, James Spader's character, asks Denny what he'd change about himself. Denny replies, "Nothing." That's why he's one of the greatest TV characters of all time. Denny Crane epitomized self-confidence, but more importantly...he was completely comfortable, no, pleased...about who and what he is. Genius! I miss that show, Boston Legal.
It's a good question though.
As kids we'd throw a ball at a buddy and shout, "Think quick." So let me throw you a question with the same challenge, "Think quick!"
What would you change about yourself?
I doubt I've got any Denny Crane types listening to my podcast. If I do, let me hear from ya! ;)
The entire self-help (ahem, personal development) industry is based on the truth that most of us (maybe ALL of us) would change something about ourselves. Sometimes we know what it might be. Other times we might be stumped. We just know this ain't it.
Mostly, I suspect people are aware of what they'd like to change...they just aren't sure how. I was taught, through books when I was still a kid, that successful people don’t obsess about how. They mostly focus on who can help them, and get very focused on what they want to accomplish. I confess that was hard for me because...well, I was a teenager. I didn't have a network of people who could or would help me figure it out. Whatever IT may be.
“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
I started reading self-help books when I was young. I don't remember the first one I read, but it was very likely, How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I'm pretty sure I started reading them because I was curious about improving myself. Truth be told, I wanted to be better. Denny Crane moments didn't often occur in my life as a kid. They still don't. ;)
There are so many things I'd change about myself that I doubt an Excel spreadsheet has the computing power to database them all. And yet I'm comfortable - especially at this age - with who and what I am. I'm a walking contradiction like that, I guess.
Sitting here inside The Yellow Studio listening to an album by Francis King that came out last year, Ask For The Moon, I started thinking more deeply and specifically about it. "Asking for the moon" is tantamount to asking for something that is seemingly impossible. At the very least, it's quite difficult. Are there changes you'd make in yourself that seem impossible? Or very difficult?
With Francis singing to me through my headphones I started thinking how making big changes - seemingly impossible ones - are most worthwhile. I started to think back to the books and my attraction to that section of the bookstores, SELF-HELP. So I pondered it, took a stroll through my bookshelves and concluded - perhaps incorrectly, I'm not sure - that Stephen Covey's 1989 bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, may have been among the first to distill a variety of notions put forth by the self-help crowd. I'm not saying it was the first book to capture my attention or even the first content I seriously consumed and considered. Not by a long shot.
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ― Steven Wright
My maternal grandfather had some books on a little table by his evening chair. Guys had evening chairs back in the day. Maybe they still do. I've not had a chair (that's dad's chair) since my kids were toddlers. I've only had one and that one was it. I'm so deprived, no wonder there are so many things I would change about myself? :D
“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” ― William Faulkner
The year before I was born, in 1956, Earl Nightingale produced an audio record entitled,
Last year I kept thinking about encouragement. It seems everywhere I went people were craving it. We all need it, but it seemed to me that very few among us are accomplished at giving it. The idea preoccupied me, especially the last half of 2018. I ended up registering the domain, CravingEncouragement.com, determined to do something - a project. I'm still not sure, but I am sure of three things, and this is where my ASK comes into play.
One, I'm sure of the power of others. Fact is, we need each other. Likely more than we realize. Rich people, poor people, successful people, failed people, old, young, men, women, children - we're all CRAVING encouragement. And not the "rah rah" cheerleader kind of stuff, but the power of thoughtful confidence expressed by somebody who matters to us.
Two, we can learn to do better. We all know we want encouragement, but we're not all very good at giving it. We can be more thoughtful, more mindful, and more aware. We can step outside of our own lives and notice others. We need to be busy learning. It will benefit all of us.
Three, I've been podcasting for 20 years or more. I put my first audio file online in 1997. I'm not sure when it all morphed into podcasting. Recently, an Australian company - RODE - introduced a product (an all-in-one-solution-for-podcasters), Rodecaster Pro. It's $599 and available at one of my favorite online retailers, Sweetwater.com.
It would simplify my workflow, allow me to ditch many feet of cables and a rack of gear. And I'm not being greedy, but I'm being honest and open. I would like one and I'm asking you to help me get one. Not because I need your money (well, not entirely), but because of that first point - the power of others. The listeners of LTW through the years have often said, "You're not selling anything. What's going on?" Nope. I'm not selling anything. Just trying to provoke me and you, the listener, to lean toward wisdom and away from foolishness.
I appreciate you listening.
Help The Yellow Studio & The Leaning Toward Wisdom Podcast Get A Rode Rodecaster Pro
Now that Sweetwater has the unit, I'm linking up their E-gift-card link (you can enter ANY amount you want): https://www.sweetwater.com/shop/gift-cards/email
Use email: RandyCantrell@gmail.com
The Reward - For A Special Leaning Toward Wisdom (LTW) Episode
• 10-minute Skype call with me (30 minutes if you donate $25 or more) • The topic: tell me about a time when somebody really encouraged you in a meaningful way • This will provide content for a special episode about encouragement • I'll include your name and any links you care to promote (or if you prefer, you can remain anonymous because I still want the stories)
It's the power of others. And it includes the power of others to help the LTW podcast.
Thank you for all your support!
The other night was listening to music (shocker, I know!). Specifically, I found myself listening to some older rock and roll. Dexter Freebish’s “What Do You See?” popped into my ears. It’s not a great song, but the question is a good one, and one I often work hard to help people wrestle with in my day job of executive coaching. Here are the lyrics to it:
You might think you could be happy someday
But you don’t know how to look the other way
What do you see
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
You work a crap job, you don’t know why
You listen to them scream and you listen to them yell
You watch them create your own little private hell
You follow your orders, you never blink an eye
But you don’t know how to look the other way
You might think you could be happy someday
What do you see
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day
You wonder how you’re gonna make it through the week
You go to bed, but you cannot sleep
You finally doze off, you fall into a dream
You are the puppet who wants to cut its strings
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
What do you see
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day
Vision versus blind spots is a common theme for me. It’s something that comes up daily in my work. But it also seems to dominate my personal life. That whole “it’s what you don’t know that’ll hurt you” thing.
My entire life I’ve fixated on what I know versus what I don’t know. My curiosity is driven by it because I’m painfully aware of how ignorant I am about so many things. Ignorant, not stupid.
Ignorance is a willingness to learn. Stupidity is the inability to learn.
Well, that’s not entirely correct, but it’s kinda sorta correct. We’re all ignorant about many things, but they’re things we could learn if we’re willing. We’re all stupid about some things, too. Like me and calculus. I lack the ability to learn it. I also lack the interest to learn it. Some things are just beyond me because of the depths of my stupidity.
Time is my enemy with ignorance. There are so many things I’m ignorant about, but I’m willing to correct many of them. When your ignorance is so vast, time is the issue. I need to live to be about 1.000. I’m resigned that I’ll die not knowing many things. I’m okay with it. Mostly because what am I going to do if I’m NOT okay with it?
But today, it’s not about time. It’s about sight. Namely, it’s about what you see versus what you don’t see. Which is largely the same thing as what you know versus what you don’t. Or what you believe versus what you don’t believe.
Since this Ballard Street was published some years ago I’ve joked with people, “I’m Nelson.” It’s true. I’m a lifelong dot-connector, always trying to make sense of things. Even things that make no sense. Especially when it comes to human behavior. And I’m often reminded that sometimes people behave crazily, to which friends will admonish me.
“If it made sense to you, then you’d be as nuts as them.”
True. Yet I can still go crazy trying to figure it out.
Largely my life is a commitment to the quest – to figure it out. Whatever IT may be.
Think of a time when you thought you had it figured out, but something shocking happened, showing you that you were way off base.
I know it’s happened to you. Perhaps it happened about another person. You thought you understand the context of their life but realized there were important things you did not know. Things that completely altered how you viewed them.
There was a sportscaster on TV once whose ongoing Ted Knight impersonation drove me crazy. He had that stereotypical announcer voice. It wasn’t personal. I didn’t know him personally, but I disliked his professional demeanor. He was fake and phony. Just not very good.
Then one day I discovered something awful about his childhood. I don’t recall what it was, but it instantly changed my view of him as a person. When the story broke about his past, something he had no part in…I reached out to him via Twitter I remember. I don’t remember the details, but I do remember instantly feeling bad for him. I hadn’t judged him personally, but my judgment of his professional demeanor had created a viewpoint of him as a person that I wasn’t aware of until I learned something I didn’t know.
That’s how it goes when you think things are as they seem. And that’s another daily thing I think about. A question I’m constantly asking myself, “What if things aren’t as they seem?”
Then while I was pondering this topic (just this past Sunday) 60 Minutes did a story about a man who lost his sight. He was, and still is, an architect. A blind architect? Yep.
His name is Chris Downey and it’s a very interesting story. Watch it here at the CBS website.
As soon as the doctor told him his blindness was permanent a social worker advised him on considering career alternatives. No time to even process the news he’d just received. Talk about an insensitive dolt. The social worker, not Chris.
He didn’t consider it. Instead, he leveraged his blindness to become a better architect. He lost one sense and gained others. Well, to be fair, he leaned heavily into other senses that were lazier because like most of us, he relied on vision – literal eyesight. Watch the story. You’ll be inspired. I was.
In fact, I was ashamed. Here I am, fully sighted. And I fear more often than not blind as a bat. It made me wonder more about what I don’t know, what skills I’ve yet to develop – and worst yet, what knowledge, understanding and growth I may never achieve. It made me want to put my head on my desk and weep. 😉
If you struggle to be persuaded that what you see isn’t always what you get, then think about your own life. This is almost guaranteed to work.
Think about the people who are your harshest critics. People who just don’t like you. Particularly people who don’t like you because they perceive you one way – a way that you don’t think is accurate at all. But it’s how they see you. It’s what they see when they look at you.
Do you ever think, “If only they knew?”
There’s evidence that how we view the world and our place in it, and how we see others, determines how we behave, what choices we make and how we choose to live. That makes it super important. If it has that big of an impact on our life – and it does – then doesn’t it make sense that we correct our vision as much as possible?
This subject is so pervasive that it’s a hard topic to handle in a single podcast episode. But don’t fret. I’m not about to create a series! 😀
Show business partnerships prove it. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a remarkably successful comedy team back in the late 1940s and 1950s. But their relationship on screen didn’t accurately portray their personal relationship when they weren’t performing. There are all kinds of realities like that. We see it in bandmates of our favorite music. We see it in celebrity married couples we adore. We see it in sportscaster duos. It’s all around us. People front one thing, but behind the scenes, there’s something entirely different going on. It’s always disappointing to fans.
What do you see? What don’t you see?
Beliefs. Convictions. Perspective.
Bias. Opinion. Assumption.
I’m increasingly curious about the things – the drivers or whatever else you’d call them. The things that shape our vision. And the things that hinder it. And how it so wildly differ among us. How you can see things one way and I may be able to see them in a completely different way.
Place. Time. People. Experience.
These are the things that help define us. They shape us into who and what we are. I don’t mean that our fate is beyond our control. We have a say in the outcome. We determine our course. But to think that what we see is solely determined by whatever we decide is to avoid the fact that our decisions are shaped. By Place. Time. People. Experience.
Willis Alan Ramsey was a kid from Dallas who released one record in 1972. A terrific record. In another life, I did a show about it. One song was about Woody Guthrie, entitled, “Boy From Oklahoma.”
I too am just a boy from Oklahoma. Place. It’s foundational. The geography of your life matters. Culturally. Emotionally. Ethnically.
I’m wired to remain here where my roots are. I’ve lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Texas. I’ve had opportunities to live elsewhere, but I could never seriously consider it. It just didn’t feel right. I’m still just a boy from Oklahoma (even though I’m living in north Texas). There’s honestly not much difference. Texas is just Baja Oklahoma anyway based on Dan Jenkin’s novel of that same name. 😉
I’m a baby boomer, born in 1957. A teenager from the 70’s. It’s a major part of my context and just like place time impacts just about everything.
I was born to a stay-at-home mom and an oil-field working dad. My paternal grandfather was a wildcatter oil guy. My maternal grandfather owned a tire store. And my grandmother – my mother’s mother – had the biggest impact on me of any grandparents. There were other people, but my context is largely determined by this element. People.
Ever wonder why you were born into the home you were? And not in that home where those kids down the street live?
My parents weren’t alcoholics. Or drug addicts. Or criminals. They were Christians. God and faith were important.
I’ve often thought about how drastically different my life would have been had the people in my life not been these people. My family.
I’ve crossed paths with many kids who have suffered significantly different people. Parents who were imprisoned. Or worse, parents still at home drugged out their minds most of the time. Why was I advantaged by the people who surrounded me growing up? I don’t have a good answer. Fact is, I don’t have an answer. I just wasn’t.
All those factors – time, place and people – determine that last one, experience. Well, kinda sorta.
And then all of them together contribute to make us who we are.
I believe in our hardwiring. I also believe in our environment. Enough little kids have surrounded me through my life to know that even babies display distinct personalities. The smallest kids show off distinct personalities. Their families and others have some impact on that. Hopefully, we foster all the best and help correct the bad in all the little people who surround us. Hopefully, somebody did that for us. But maybe not.
We get to choose. Our lives are ours to live as we want. Now we’re getting to that infamous lead I’m so fond of burying.
“The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand.” – Dr. Irene C. Kassorla (she’s a psychologist)
Irene is right. I’d push it a bit harder. The pen that writes your life story IS held in your own hand.
You can see it different, but you’d be wrong. Foolish. And stupid.
The Avett Brothers have a new single out, Roses And Sacrifice. The ending chorus says…
I’m not slowing down
I’m not waiting for anyone anymore
I know just what I want
And I know just what I need
I know just what I want
This year has begun for me with a strong, strong emphasis on accountability and responsibility. We own our outcomes. Period.
Partly, this focus is the result of having heard so much whining, complaining and excusing last year. It’s also the result of my own foolishness which I talked about last week. Go back and listen if you dare. I’m not going to revisit it here. Bad things happen and boy can we be quick to dive headlong into excuse-making? Yes, of course. We all can do that. Do you ever just get sick of your excuses? I hope you do. That’s a good sign. A sign of maturity and growth.
During another late night bout of insomnia, I was watching Sideways, a quirky movie. Jack and Miles are on the golf course. Miles, the main character has written a third book and is hoping to get it published. The other two books never saw the light of day and he’s pessimistic that his third book won’t be any different. It’s been days and he’s not heard anything from the agent trying to sell his book. As he laments the prospect that he’s lost another three years of his life in writing a failure, Jack questions him.
“You haven’t heard anything yet, so don’t you think your negativity is a little premature?”
Then he pushes Miles to self-publish. “Just get it out there…let the public decide.”
Jack behaves like an idiot in the movie, but it’s pretty wise advice he gives Miles. Lots of folks behave just like Miles. Thinking the worst thing is going to happen. Going into every new endeavor filled with defeat before they even begin. Miles was basing his feelings on the past. He’d written two other books. Neither of them saw the light of day so why should this one be any different? When he looked at his current book he only saw what he had seen before. Failure.
He was pursuing the New York publishing houses. Miles encouraged him to just get it out there. Miles even offered to help pay for the self-publishing. Jack wasn’t thinking there were any alternatives to getting permission from a big publishing house. His entire future as a hopeful author hinged on some big publisher saying, “Yes.”
He clearly hadn’t read Seth Godin’s work. We’re no longer living in an era where we need permission. Take this podcast. Nobody gave me a permit to start it. I just did.
I’m in a conversation circle the other day with some young business owners. Guys not quite half my age. We’re talking about this whole “going for” notion. And not waiting for somebody to approve, or tell us it’s okay. And I’m standing there thinking of how scared we are. How scared we were as teenagers to ask a girl out on a date. How scared we were as kids to look stupid. I’m listening to these guys talk and I’m sure I broke out in a smile because I was thinking, “Man, the opportunities of my youth were sure wasted on the moron that I once was.” I was wishing I knew then what I know now. But that’s not how it works.
Everything is hard until it’s easy. And sometimes it doesn’t feel like a thing never gets easy.
More and more I’m convinced so much of our life is determined by what we see – and what we don’t. Which is why I’ve been ruminating about this for the past week or so.
We’re all without excuse to know how true that is. Unless we’re very young. By the time we hit our 20th birthday, I’m certain we’ve experienced multiple reality smackdowns. A reality smackdown that showed us, “Nope, you weren’t looking at that quite right.” And because we weren’t looking at quite right, we didn’t make a very good decision. By the time you get to be my age, it has happened so frequently you’d think you’d be seeing everything with 20/20 vision, but our brains are working against us no matter our age (I guess).
You’re afraid of something right now. All because of what you see. Or what you don’t see. It’s creating fear and anxiety.
Let me leave you with a few things I’ve learned – even though I frequently forget them and have to consciously remind myself I’m being stupid and foolish.
Don’t let other people determine your outcome. Sure, they’ll often impact it, but do everything in your power to make their negative impact short-term. And do everything to make their positive impact long-term.
We don’t live in a vacuum. Full control is beyond our reach, but we can control our thoughts, choices, and behavior.
I’ve spent most of my life selling stuff. Yet I’m so not your stereotypical salesperson (if there is such a thing). Mostly, I want to serve and be helpful. I want to make the experience pleasant and positive. I’ve been that way since I began as a teenager. Nothing has changed, except maybe I’m even more intent now.
When you’re showing a prospective customer what you’re selling they can make or break your moment, your day, your month, your year. If you let them. That is, you can be a salesperson who sees life that way and it won’t go well for you. Because it’s a viewpoint where you have no control, or not nearly enough. It’s a victim mindset. If the prospect buys, great. But if they don’t, then you’ve just been victimized by somebody who doesn’t want what you’re selling.
Don’t do that. You don’t have to be selling anything to see the world that way. Everyone is capable of seeing their life controlled by the decisions of others. Playing the role of the victim.
Instead, I’m here to put my best foot forward, show people why they should engage me to help them. If they see it as I hope they will, then it’ll be among the best decisions they ever make. I’ll make sure of it. But if they don’t see the way I want them to, they’ll reject my offer. I can choose to think, “They’re rejecting me” or I can choose to think, “The time isn’t right” or “They just can’t see it right now.” There are lots of views I can hold, many of which are all way more likely than “They’re rejecting me.” Fact is, it’s not personal. I’d go so far as to say it’s almost NEVER personal, but talk to any salesperson 0r aspiring salesperson and they’ll confess it feels and looks personal.
Don’t over-estimate your ability to get it done by yourself. Here’s the paradox. You can’t care what others think, but you have to care a great deal what people think.
Discriminate. You have to if you’re going to learn, understand and grow. The people in your life are not created equally. Well, maybe they’re created equal, but they don’t end up being of equal value. You’ve got some ninnies in your life. Toxic people who suck the life out of you. Ditch them. Distance from them.
Here’s the deal. You can’t ditch toxic people if you’re one of them. So I should have prefaced this point with a more important point – be a good person.
That means you need to be honest, fair, authentic and genuine. It means you need to be trustworthy and loyal. If you betray people, lie to people and are always more interested in yourself than anybody else…well, you’ve got an awful lot of work to do. Until you make up your mind to become a better human, then there’s no hope for you. The sooner you realize your hopeless condition, the better. Because until then you’re not going to change. And LTW is all about growth, which necessarily means positive change!
Don’t isolate yourself. Life has lots of adages that people think sound wise, but they’re often taken out of context. For example, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.”
You can read that to mean, do it. Do it all by yourself. Don’t solicit or get any help because only you can control this. Wrong!
It means to do what you’re able. It means if you see the need, fill it. Don’t wait for somebody else to do it.
It doesn’t mean nobody can help you because plenty of people can help you. Their help will greatly accelerate your growth.
Be more intentional and purposeful in who you put around you. Be the person others want to have around them, too.
The power of your life is largely determined by the people who get to know you. I know the advice is mostly focused on who we get to know, but I’ve intentionally reversed it because it doesn’t matter who you know nearly as much as who knows YOU.
Think about the caller ID on your phone. You get phone calls from numbers. You’ve got no idea who it is. What do you do? Do you answer it? Do you let it go to voicemail?
Now consider a phone call from somebody in your favorites list. A person you’re close to. A family member. A close friend. Their name pops up on the caller ID. You’re anxious to talk to them. You know them. They know you. You trust them. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.
Put in the work to be on as many favorites lists as possible.
These people will make a major positive contribution to help you improve your vision. They’ll help you overcome the blind spots. They’ll help you see things you can’t otherwise see.
As kids we’d urge each other to do stupid stuff, right?
“Oh, come one. Do it.”
I confess I still do that with my grandkids. 😀 It’s fun. And sometimes funny.
But I remember urging buddies to take chances that I knew might benefit them, too. Fact is, I did much more of that than urging buddies to behave stupidly. They’d usually do that without any prompting. 😉
Buddies fearful of asking out some girl and I’d be the guy pushing them, “Go ahead. There’s no reason not to. Even if she turns you down you won’t be any worse off than you are now.” I was always working to influence somebody to see something as low or no risk (if indeed it was). I was also the kid urging friends to avoid doing something stupid by warning them what could go wrong. I’ve always been a risk/reward kind of a guy. Some things never change.
What’s the worst thing that can happen?
I saw this on Facebook the other day and smiled. As an INFJ I know how true it is. For me, I’m able and willing to consider worst-case-scenario, but I don’t get stuck there. I’m just willing to ask and answer it. Most folks don’t answer it. For me, the worst-case scenario is usually not that bad. And often very unlikely.
But we’re all capable of seeing it differently. We can see worst-case scenarios as being highly possible, even highly probable. Even if it’s just not true.
I’ve talked about some of the fears of my grandkids. One was horrified to go onto a soccer field to play soccer for the first time. No amount of encouragement was going to change his mind. Whatever was going through his mind, it was a worst-case scenario and he saw it as highly likely. We knew better, but it didn’t matter what we knew. What he saw is the only thing that mattered.
Sometimes our behavior is equally inaccurate. We see boogie men under the bed and in the shadows. Most often, they’re fabrications of our imagination and nothing more. But they’re as powerful as any prison mankind has ever built.
Today is the day we break out because here’s the truth of what we see. We see a closed locked door, but it’s in our head. There is no door. There is no lock. There are no bars. No security. It’s a wide open field filled with possibilities. Our challenge is to change what we see. To clear our vision so it’s more accurate.
Do you need vision correction? Physical vision correction? I sometimes wear reading glasses. They’re not that powerful, 1.25+. But that small adjustment in magnification can make the difference in me seeing comfortably – being to read text easily – or me not being able to make out a single letter or word.
Apply that to your entire life. Correct your vision. It’ll fix just about everything. I can assure you it will improve everything. It won’t overcome everything. My reading glasses don’t change the words on the page or the screen. But it makes me able to understand them. Without understanding them, I can’t benefit from them.
How does a lack of understanding serve you? How is your life helped by not seeing things clearly or accurately?
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“I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you’re emotions going.” – Jim Valvano
Jimmy V was an NCAA basketball coach for North Carolina State who died of cancer in 1993. He was just 47 years old, likely most known today for that famous ESPY award acceptance speech he gave just weeks prior to his death. It’s 11 and a half minutes you should watch. Even if you’ve seen it before. Jimmy V’s punchline was always, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up!”
The man was known for his enthusiasm and emotion. He didn’t have a stoic demeanor. 😉
He was an obvious extrovert. Stereotypical of his Italian heritage.
I’m neither Italian nor extroverted. Rather I’m an introvert who can often appear like an extrovert. I’m still trying to figure out how all that works. Personality, mind, thoughts – all that neurological stuff fascinates me.
Emotions are easy for me. Always have been. Like so many things that make up who and what I am, I lean into them.
I don’t know if I cry every day, but I will likely cry more days than not.
I laugh daily.
It’s not hard for me to get my emotions going. Mostly, I’m able to do that with ease. I’m even fairly proficient at reigning them in. Somewhat.
I was reading, thinking and doing a bit of writing over the holidays. As I ruminated about my own emotions I had a realization. I’ve never been prone to making decisions – certainly not big decisions – whenever emotions are really going.
I laugh whenever people claim they don’t make “emotional decisions.” Yes, you do. We all do. Well, maybe not if you’re a psychopath. Or is it sociopath? Let’s look up the difference ’cause I always get those confused.
Okay, here we go. This is from HealthyPlace.com –
Psychopathy can be thought of as a more severe form of sociopathy with more symptoms. Therefore, all psychopaths are sociopaths but sociopaths are not necessarily psychopaths.
According to the Society for the Study of Psychopathy, psychopath traits include:
Lack of guilt/remorse
Lack of empathy
Lack of deep emotional attachments
Narcissism
Superficial charm
Dishonesty
Manipulativeness
Reckless risk-taking
Psychopaths, for example, are far more likely to get in trouble with the law while sociopaths are much more likely to blend in with society.
The article says that 93% of psychopaths are in the criminal justice system. I suppose that should be a relief, but I worry about that 7 % still out there. And how do they know they’re all accounted for? That’s the really big question.
But let’s hop out of this rabbit hole, back onto our topic of getting our emotions going.
I talking about this because I get sick of folks claiming “being emotional” is a downside. Clear language would help. What they mean is being overly emotional or being so emotional you’re losing control. At least that’s what I think they mean. But that’s not what they say. Which is why I think Jimmy V’s comments are so spot on.
Today I’m focused on the questions that fuel our emotions. I realize questions may not always be the impetus, but the more I think about it the more I’m convinced they often are at the heart of them.
Watching one of those true crime shows on the ID channel late one night the homicide detectives were talking about how hard it is to notify next of kin. It showed them approach the home of a mother whose daughter was found murdered. Her emotions sparked by such horrible news were obvious. She remarked, “What am I going to do? What am I going to do?” It’s a big question we’ve all asked when bad news comes.
But I don’t want to focus on the devasting emotions of a major catastrophic event. I’d prefer, at least today, to talk about those daily emotions that can sweep over us. The feelings and thoughts that consume us with everyday challenges. It really is an approach to getting your emotions going in a positive direction that can serve us. And it’s about avoiding going down some path that will stick up, derail us and hamper or destroy our chances for success.
Some years ago Psychology Today published an article entitled, Stop Obsessing or Fixating With a Fast Cognitive Technique. The article begins by talking about mindfulness, defined as focusing on your internal and external circumstances at the moment. I’ve always viewed mindfulness as being present because it’s how you think and feel right now. You can read that piece and many others about how to minimize or eliminate obsessing about things.
Many of us – probably most of us – stumble because we obsess about things that don’t best serve us. The biggest of these is likely the one-word question, “HOW?”
How?
The mom whose daughter was murdered asks how she’ll possibly be able to handle this stress. This reality has buckled her knees and she’s wondering how she’ll ever get back on her feet. Maybe she’s wondering if she’ll ever be able to rise again.
The person facing a new challenge is wondering how he’ll ever be able to do this thing.
The person hoping to get that job or opportunity is obsessing about how they can make that happen.
Name the goal and it’s likely people pursuing it, at least for the first time, are obsessing about how they can get it done. They’re not giving nearly as much thought to getting it done because they’re grossly distracted because they don’t yet know HOW they’ll get it done.
The question throws gasoline on the obsession making it burn hotter. And longer.
It also erodes our belief and confidence that we can do whatever it is we’ve set about to do. We begin to question whether or not we’ll actually be able to get it done. Particularly if we’ve never done it before. And doing things we’ve never done before is what growth is all about.
I know that sounds right, but I also know to figure out ways to stop obsessing about how is hard. Really hard.
So I’ll share with you what I’m working on in the hopes it can help you. Because there are quite a few things I’m doing right now – or trying to – that I don’t know how.
Let’s start with what I know about myself. Self-awareness is important, but so is self-acceptance. I’m not talking about accepting my bad choices and bad behavior as just “the way it is.” I’m talking about accepting and facing my present reality. Here’s where mindfulness enters. Being present. Seeing things for what they truly are, not as some fanciful view I hope them to be.
A person can fall into selfishness and lose themselves. It happens all the time. A person fixates – they obsess – on the things that have happened to them. They embrace being a victim. They wake up every day and go to bed each night blaming others for how their life has turned out. They refuse to accept any responsibility that they’ve played any part in it. What they do accept as “fact” is that they’re a victim and they’ve been wronged. They accept as “fact” that they’re entitled to their bad behavior because of what’s happened to them. That’s their reality. That’s not self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance is accepting that my life is my responsibility. It’s up to me to figure things out. It’s up to me to change the direction of my life. It’s up to me to make better choices, to pursue wiser actions and to make more of my life than I may be currently making of it. In short, it’s accepting responsibility for the outcomes of my own life and not blaming anybody or anything. Because we’ve all got stuff. We’ve all been mistreated, suffered wrongly, and had bad things happen to us. Things beyond our control. And yes, these things impact us, but we alone determine how they impact us.
So as I wrestle with and often obsess with the one-word question, “HOW?” – I must come to terms with what I know about myself right now. I must face my present reality in every way possible. And I must accept that my present condition is what I make it. Yes, whatever bad things have happened to me may very well be beyond my control, but the bigger question is, “Now what?”
The mom whose daughter was brutally murdered didn’t cause that deep injury to her life, but she must now deal with it. It’s now her present condition. She has to process this awful event and come to terms that it’s now her reality. She doesn’t know how she’s going to handle it. She doesn’t have to know how. She just has to have faith that she will. That she can.
Part of my self-awareness and self-acceptance has been learning that I can better manage my own obsessions about “how?” with “now what?”
In my professional life I’m currently working to find 7 entrepreneurs from around the country (United States) who are willing to become the first-ever mastermind group or peer advisory group of The Peer Advantage by Bula Network. So permit me to pull the curtain back completely and show you the whole thing because this is a new pursuit, something I’ve never done before.
I’m going to show you why asking “How?” has created more failure than any other single thing I’ve done. I want you to learn from my mistakes.
I won’t bore you with personal details that honestly don’t matter, but I fully intended on having my first groups going already. But I failed. I’m without an excuse.
Last year I allowed some personal tragedy to preoccupy me, to distract me. I was not obsessing about “how?” I’d accomplish my goal, but I was obsessing on what had happened to me in my life. Well, that took time to process. I didn’t give myself permission to take that time. Instead, I began to doubt and fixate on, “How am I going to get this done?” And, “How am I going to get this done NOW?” (given what I’m going through)
I did a common thing. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry about the circumstances. I allowed this thing to wreck me. It didn’t help me, but in retrospect, I’d have been better served if somebody would have helped me through the ordeal by telling me it was okay to take some time to process things, come to terms with my reality and then dwell on, “Now what?”
I didn’t have that help. Better yet, I didn’t go looking for or seek that help. That was a major mistake. And it cost me time and success.
Next, when the shock of the tragedy did pass I fostered doubt. People will always doubt you. Not because they don’t love you, but because they don’t see what you see. From their viewpoint you may appear stupid, idiotic even. They would never do what you’re attempting to do. Rather than stop and be in the moment, realizing, “Of course they wouldn’t pursue this, they’re not me” – I fixated on the doubt, wondering if I was indeed being stupid. I wish I could tell you that I’m able to shut out the naysayers and truly care more about what I want or how I feel, but that’s not who I am. That seems selfish to me, to discount or ignore how my life may impact somebody else. I’m not saying I’m seeing that correctly, I’m just making a confession.
As the doubt built momentum, I was more and more asking myself, “How are you going to get this done?” I didn’t know. Oh, I knew some things to try, but I certainly didn’t have some ironclad blueprint. I didn’t get up in the morning knowing that if I did these 5 things today then I’ll be moving closer. Mostly, I languished without a clue about what to do.
The result? I did nothing. Nothing terribly productive anyway. Because I didn’t know what to do.
Here’s the reality. When you foster doubt – and allow the doubt of others to feed your own doubts – then your mind and body work in unison to make that your reality. Fact is, it works. And it works tremendously well.
I’m proof. You can wreck any hope for victory by simply embracing the notion that you can’t do it, or even the thought that you MAY not be able to do it. From there, it honestly doesn’t much matter what you do because it’s not going to bring you victory no matter.
That’s what I did. For months. Worked like a champ, too. “See, I knew that wouldn’t work!” It’s one of those times when being right is so, so wrong!
To jolt myself out of it I did one thing. Just one thing. My work podcast, which was a weekly show, was an obsession. A good obsession.
I decided to make it a Monday through Friday shorter show. I didn’t think too much about it, I just did it. I’m well over 100 episodes into that daily format now. It just happens. I don’t think about how it’ll happen, I just know I’ll get it done. Because I committed to it and I knew I had the chops to figure it out. I found one area where I had confidence that couldn’t be shaken by anybody. Even those who love me. 😉
All in. On just one thing. I knew I had vast experience and knowledge from which to draw on, so creating the content wasn’t going to a challenge. I had vast experience and know-how in podcasting so I knew the workflow wasn’t going to be a hindrance. Not one time did the thought ever cross my mind, “How am I going to do this?”
Doing what you love may be a key, but that didn’t seem to help with my “HOW?” dilemma. After all, I knew I loved podcasting and I already knew how to do it. But I didn’t know how to do it daily in the sense that I’d ever done it before. I reasoned that I had the knowledge though because I felt like I did. So the question of “HOW?” never entered my mind. Even still, I was determined to figure this out. So I put in the work.
I hadn’t yet learned if there was anything I did love about the process of getting this new idea off the ground. So I shifted my thinking and came to terms that two different skills are required. Both are important. One is more important for the long-term. One is more important for the short-term. As I pursued mindfulness I realized that the thing I love most is the long-term skills I have to operate such a group. I’m so perfectly suited for that work it’s not funny. I recognized it right away, which is why I was so driven to pursue this professionally. I knew (and know) deep down that I can make a spectacular difference – a positive difference – in the lives of clients who are able to see the value of being associated with other small business owners. I’m perfectly equipped to help people navigate learning, understanding and growth. I’ve been doing it almost my entire life, just not in a context exactly like this. But it dawned on me that like podcasting, the difference in context between every day of the business week versus weekly isn’t that big of a deal. And I wasn’t making that a big deal with this either.
No, my “HOW?” challenge was in the short-term skills I felt I lacked. Namely, recruiting potential members. Getting paid clients.
My tragedy kept creeping into my life. It wouldn’t go away. It still hasn’t gone away, but I was faced with making myself a prisoner to it, or figuring out the answer to the question, “Now what?”
I admit I’m still in the middle of that quandary. But I’m slowly making progress. Here’s what I’m doing now.
One night late I was reviewing my life. Professionally. If you’ve listened to this podcast much you know a lot about my story already and I won’t belabor it again. But I began as a hi-fi stereo salesperson. Walking in cold to a stereo store asking for a job to do something I’d never done. I just did it. It so happened that the first shop I walked into gave me a job. Maybe had I experienced failure right off the bat things would be different, but that’s not my story.
I thought of my successes and failures. I thought of my skills. I pondered my ability to talk with people. Better yet, my ability to get people to talk with me. I thought about my innate ability, for whatever reason, to elicit deep conversation with people. For as long as I can remember I’ve been able to talk to strangers and they’ve told me things as though I was a lifelong friend. People know they can trust me. I’m not sure what that is, but I’ve got it and I don’t remember ever NOT having it.
As I inventoried all these things that make me who I am I realized I’ve got both the long-term and short-term skills necessary to do this work that I so desperately want to do. Work that I know will be the most meaningful professional work I’ve ever done. I have no doubt.
My emotions weren’t serving me. They were taking me in the opposite direction. Further away from success and victory. Closer to the abyss of misery and failure. I was allowing it. Worst yet, I was causing it.
So during my late night bouts of insomnia, I decided to do something about it.
I would obsess – intentionally obsess – on success. I just began to envision doing the work, this work that I feel I was meant to do. I imagined experiencing it as though it had already happened.
I also made up my mind to think bigger. Much bigger. I began wanting to build just 1 group, maybe 2. The more I thought about it the more I wondered, “Why shouldn’t I be able to serve more people than that?” I had no good answer. Truth is, I’m good enough, smart enough, wise enough, talented enough I should be able to serve many more people than that. It’s not an issue of scale or money. It’s an issue of service. I asked myself why should I limit it to such a small number. And that prompted me to ask those “what if?” questions that spark our imaginations. What if I were to serve 8 groups of 7 entrepreneurs? Is that a completely crazy notion? No, of course not. Fifty-six people isn’t a massive number of people. It’s still a rather modest number, but then I began to fixate on how many other people may be represented by those people. Every entrepreneur has a family. Every entrepreneur has employees, who also have families. They have suppliers and others (like bankers, CPA’s, attorneys). And all those folks have families. They have customers, who also have families. Like ripples in the ocean, one little ripple can go on and on and on and on creating a much bigger thing!
I had to come to terms that I wanted to have a big impact. A bigger impact than the one I first thought I wanted.
My confidence was growing. I wish it grew fast, but it didn’t. It was slow, arduous growth. It was like a little seed that was fragile at first. I had to really nurture it because there was a minute there – actually lots of minutes – where I wondered if the seed might die. But I wouldn’t let it die. The seed was too important. The idea too powerful. My fit for the idea too ideal.
Where am I now?
I’m in the middle of doing whatever I can to make this effort a success. I still have no idea what I’m doing really. I just know taking action is the only path forward.
I’m not focusing on what I don’t know. Instead, I’m focused on what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to do. Except for me it started in reverse order really. I concentrated on what I wasn’t going to do. Namely, I wasn’t going – and I’m not going to – give any effort to convince anybody of anything. Business owners and entrepreneurs can figure out for themselves if my proposition is valuable enough or not. My job is to make sure I accurately and conveniently (not taking too much time from the prospects) portray the offer so they fully understand how it will positively impact their businesses and their lives. I’ll second-guess myself all day to improve that, but I’m not obsessing about people turning me down, people who don’t see what I see or people who think I’m an idiot. None of that matters to me now.
Something else happened when I devoted myself more fully to finding the courage and confidence necessary. I began to not care what the people I love think either. What once felt selfish, now began to feel more like the necessary emotions to fuel my success, something I feel my loved ones deserve. They deserve for me to succeed at this, even if they have doubts themselves. Or even if they don’t see what I see. Great leaders see the future first. I gave myself permission to consider that I may be on the path toward greater leadership. 😉
Here’s what life has taught me. It’s another truth that I came to late one night. I had long believed it and embraced it, but here I was at this point in my life when it was now my big challenge.
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
It’s a favorite quote. I believe it. I mean, I really believe it. But in this moment I wasn’t living it. I was ashamed.
So late one night I made up my mind to more fully embrace the truth. I concluded a truth. When I figure it out it’ll be easy, but until then it’s going to be hard. Very hard. And that’s okay.
My story – this most recent version of my story – is a professional pursuit, but it could be anything. I hope you’ve been able to make application to whatever you’re going through.
If you already know how to do it, then it’s not a challenge. It won’t be anything new to you. It won’t be anything that’s stretching you. You’ve already endured the stretching. You’ve learned and grown. Now it’s you at a new level, a level different from when you didn’t know how to do it.
Do you want to stay where you are? Do you really want to stop growing where you’re at? We can. I could.
I’ve successfully run businesses since I was 25. I didn’t really know what I was doing back then. But I figured it out. Today, I’ve seen just about every small business problem imaginable. And if I haven’t, I’m completely confident that I could because I know what to do, how to do it and whom to lean on.
The migration from not knowing to knowing is the name of the game. At my GROW GREAT podcast, I’m constantly using the phrase directed at entrepreneurs, “You’ll figure it out.” Figuring it out is what it’s all about. We don’t figure out what we’ve already got figured out. We figure out what we’ve yet to figure out.
Isn’t that what wisdom is all about? Figuring it out. Figuring out how to get it right in real time?
I’m committed to the effort in this professional pursuit now. I wasted much of last year when I had the opportunity to launch this new, exciting opportunity. And there’s more collateral damage – the clients I could have been helping all this time who I never have been able to serve. Somewhere out there are entrepreneurs who desperately needed my help, but I was in no shape to help them. So I didn’t.
By not evangelizing my offer I knew I was robbing not just myself, but potential clients. I wasn’t giving people a very good opportunity to accept or reject the offer. What was I ashamed of? Answer: nothing. Then why wasn’t I promoting it more? Fear. Anxiety. Knowing I didn’t yet know HOW.
Sounds dumb, right? That’s because it is dumb. Downright stupid. And I’m not an idiot. You know me. I’m a smart guy. You’re smart. We’re not stupid folks. But we can sure behave foolishly sometimes. We can do things that make no sense, make illogical decisions and talk ourselves into and out of things with ease. Head trash can kill any of us. It’s up to us to fix it. Sometimes, it’s best if we lean on others to help us.
The paradox is that here I am urging people to embrace the truth of how other people can accelerate their learning, understanding, and growth. Preaching the message that who you surround yourself with matters. Yet, here I was too ashamed to lean on anybody else. Too ashamed to admit what I’ve just admitted to all of you. It’s my fault.
So now what?
Now we get on with it. We learn from our experiences and the experiences of others. We understand things that before we didn’t understand. We grow as we work to figure things out that we’ve never figured out before. Or things we’ve never tried to figure out before. We expand our lives because we’re taking on new challenges…challenges that we don’t yet know how to conquer. But challenges we will figure it out if we’ll do the work, deploy some patience and give it time. Challenges we’ll figure out if commit ourselves to the effort and believe in ourselves, and in what we’re doing.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
It’s been a lifelong favorite of mine. Once attributed to the German philosopher Goethe, it’s now attributed to Scottish mountaineer and writer William Hutchison Murray.
Let me end with one final point, another truth I’ve known a very long time, but one I tend to forget. One that I did forget during this ordeal. I can only control my thoughts, my emotions, my decisions, and my actions. I can’t control how others feel. Their emotions belong to them. Ditto on their choices, decisions, and actions. All those things that belong to them have no impact on me unless I allow it. For my enterprise – this professional pursuit – that means other people have the right to feel however they’d like, do whatever they’d like and it needn’t impact me one little bit. I’m determined to give greater effort to making sure I do what I must to fulfill my own commitment to myself. But my commitment is honorable and that’s important. I’m not committed to dishonesty, immorality, unfairness or selfishness. I’m committed to my personal improvement, growth and transformation.
You’re likely somewhat committed to those things, too – else you’d have no interest in a podcast entitled, Leaning Toward Wisdom.
Let’s embrace the commitment. Let’s follow the advice of what William Hutchison Murrary wrote. And let’s see how much more we can accomplish.
Help The Yellow Studio & The Leaning Toward Wisdom Podcast Get A Rode Rodecaster Pro
Now that Sweetwater has the unit, I’m linking up their E-gift-card link (you can enter ANY amount you want): https://www.sweetwater.com/shop/gift-cards/email
Use email: RandyCantrell@gmail.com
The Reward – For A Special Leaning Toward Wisdom (LTW) Episode
• 10-minute Skype call with me (20 minutes if you donate $25 or more)
• The topic: tell me about a time when somebody really encouraged you in a meaningful way
• This will provide content for a special episode about encouragement
• I’ll include your name and any links you care to promote (or if you prefer, you can remain anonymous because I still want the stories)
It’s the power of others. And it includes the power of others to help the LTW podcast.
Thank you for all your support!
We were both shy of being 21, but only by months. It was January 2, 1978. I instantly regretted being talked into wearing a white suit because black is way more slimming. Besides, I look like I belong behind the wheel of a Smokey and the Bandit Trans Am instead of being at a marriage altar with that blonde.
You don’t care about the details. You’re here for the stories. So am I. And I’m not really in the business of telling love stories, but you know LTW began as a “legacy project” and this is a monumental part of my legacy – my marriage to a girl I started dating when we were both 18. That picture of us is day 3 of our dating. It was the summer – July 4th to be exact – of 1975. I was done. Smitten. By the way, that’s a straw in my mouth. Again, I should have been wearing black, but it was a hot summer day in Oklahoma so I opted for lighter colors. A dumb, dumb choice!
As much as I’d like to make this about me – or us, this couple pictured above – I think I’ll go on record for the umpteenth time to express my love of the girl I married, Rhonda. Then I’ll veer into more general wisdom talk – talk of the power of a spouse, the value of marriage and how a man and a woman can benefit each other more and more over time through mutual commitment and love.
2018 was a challenging year for us, as it may have been for many of you. Some of you endured health hardships. Others financial burdens. Some experienced the dissolution of their marriage. Still, others got married. It’s all that “one man’s ceiling is another man’s floor” thing.
I confess that 2018 was a ridiculously pivotal year in many ways for me professionally. I made some serious decisions to take my career in a new direction. I’ve talked about that at GrowGreat.com so you can always go check that out if you care. Making such a pivot isn’t easy. But it’s exciting.
Personally, Rhonda and I faced some personal challenges that we’ve never faced before. We’re still standing together though, arm in arm and hand in hand. Because from the moment we began to date, we were committed to each other. After that first date, neither of us ever dated anybody else. From July 2, 1975, through yesterday, January 2, 2019, we’ve been a couple. Funny the wisdom you can exercise when you’re just 17. It was clearly a decision I got right. Her? Well, that’s quite debatable. If that girl pictured had known what she was in for, she may have made better choices. But I’m glad she committed. There hasn’t been a day pass that I’ve not been devoted to earning her respect and making her happy. I don’t succeed as often as I’d like, but my commitment is sure. I love her more today than I did in either of those pictures and that’s saying something because I was very in love in both of those photos.
We’re weathered and worn today, but life does that. We know so much more. We’ve seen so much more. Wisdom has never been deeper for us, often coming at a price we’d preferred not to pay. Such is life.
The Power Of A Spouse
Through the years I’ve sat down with many couples asking me to help them sort through a variety of problems. As a leader in a local church, it just goes with the role. Knowledge, wisdom and experience have taught me the power of a spouse, but I can’t speak of it (or even think of it) without recognizing the biggest reason marriages struggle.
Selfishness.
Nothing disrupts the power of two people enjoined together as husband and wife more. Nothing.
It’s the corruption behind every betrayal and disturbance. Selfishness. Self-centeredness. Self-absorption.
The power of a spouse is the power to put the needs, desires and wants of another person ahead of your own.
Nothing everybody is willing to do that. Or to sustain it over the long haul. The power of a spouse is evidence of the power of selflessness. Self-LESS-ness.
There’s nothing nearly as rewarding as I’ve found as putting the needs of somebody else before my own, but it doesn’t feel like that to me. And I’m not nearly as accomplished at it as I should be, or would like to be.
Rather, it feels mostly like failure to me. Because I have high expectations and I feel like I so often come up short of what I expect. It’s a single area where my dissatisfaction is rampantly out of control. Mostly I’m able to contain or manage my discontentment. But not when it comes to my wife. She and I have talked about this and it’s completely my fault, but I never feel like I get it quite right. I’m always coming up short. Missing the mark. And it’s not on her, it’s merely my strongest drive to hit the bull’s eye with each shot. But mostly I feel like I miss the target entirely. It’s the single biggest driver in my life when it comes to professional and personal ambitions. I’ve spent years looking at it, analyzing it and trying to figure it out. Decades into the search I can only report the fact of it. I don’t suspect anything will ever change it because I’m that committed to her. I don’t want to change it.
Perhaps the power of a spouse is that power to serve somebody else. And to have somebody willing to serve you. It’s not a score-keeping thing. It’s mutual. Neither of you keeps score because you’re trying hard to help each other. The score is joint. It’s the two of you together. Not separate.
A helping hand is always available when you’ve married the love of your life. Yet some of the loneliest people I know are married. To the love of their life? Well, I can’t be sure about that, but I suspect there is no loneliness quite like the loneliness inside a marriage. It’s sad. Sadder still because it’s completely preventable. Mostly spurred by the selfishness of one or both people. Unwilling to put the needs of their spouse in front of their own. Unwilling to bend or relent in always getting their way, having things go exactly to their liking. Gross immaturity wrecks the deal when people behave like a spoiled rotten 14-year-old. I’ve never understood why selfish people even bother with marriage. You’d think they’d simply move about freely to take full advantage of as many people as possible, but I suppose trying to have a single slave is appealing to them.
When you’ve been together as long as me and Rhonda there is so much history and context between us, and in our life together. It’s like compounding interest. It has grown through the years making our marriage more valuable. But like compounding interest, that’s only possible because we’ve both invested in this marriage. We’re committed.
So when we talk about the value of marriage we have to insert a qualifier – it hinges on your investment into the marriage. Like most things, it’s not automatic. Get married, enjoy a highly valuable happy marriage. Nope, won’t work. The value is found in the work you’re both willing to put into it.
“It shouldn’t be this difficult,” says the bride. She’s talking about a spat with her husband of 5 months (or 5 years). She’s wrong. Sometimes the husband makes a similar declaration. He’s wrong, too.
It should be that tough because it’s HIGHLY valuable. It’s worth it. People just don’t often understand how high the stakes are. Or how extraordinarily valuable it is to be in a great marriage. To be so closely tethered to another human being that you’d do anything to help them.
Most focus on the value of having somebody available for their needs and wants, but the bigger value is being available to help somebody else. To not have the focus on yourself. To be so preoccupied with the well-being of your spouse that you lose yourself. I’d love to tell you I’ve mastered that, but Rhonda would be the first to tell you that ain’t so. But I think she’d also quickly tell you she knows without a doubt how madly in love I am with her. She knows I’m committed to her welfare, even if I sometimes fail to fulfill what I most want for her. Thankfully, she’s patient while I try to figure it out. 😉
Time enhances and increases value. But only if you make the time count by working on yourself. YOU provide the value in the marriage.
That’s not a selfish YOU, but it’s YOU in the sense of who you most control. It’s YOU in that you must work on improving yourself. Your growth is key.
It’s not about making demands of your spouse. Or feverishly being intent on making them somebody you may want them to be. Instead, it’s about you working diligently to become the best version of yourself. And simultaneously working hard to help them become the best version of themselves…but it’s letting them drive their own life.
Black or white. It’s binary. On or off. Right or wrong. Yes, I know life is filled with gray, but in marriage, the commitment must be full or it may as well be null. You have to be all in, pot committed, going for broke. Your spouse must know it. Not merely hope for it. Or suspect it. But know deeply, without question or reservation, how true it is. It’s a level of reliance you can’t find in other relationship. Complete trust. Complete commitment to each other.
That’s a special human connection found nowhere else. It’s also a level of unsurpassed love.
I feel the same way Sir Winston felt. He was more articulate than I’ll ever be.
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
There is something special in that. The fact that he felt that way – and the fact that I feel the same way – displays how much we value our wives. Perhaps that’s key. Our ability to put a higher value on somebody other than ourselves. The years have taught me that anybody can do that, but too many just don’t. They refuse to make up their mind about it because they foolishly think if they’ll make it all about themselves, then their life will be enhanced. They miss the point of it all. And they miss out on the high value found in creating the GIFT, a great marriage.
It doesn’t mean things are perfect. It doesn’t mean the husband and wife are perfect. Rhonda nor I are perfect. Far from it. But we tolerate each other’s imperfections. We make fun of ourselves, and each other without malice. We can frustrate ourselves and each other. We fail each other more often than we’d like. But none of those things – and a host of other weaknesses we have – negatively impact us because those are not big things. The BIG THING is our devotion to each other. Our devotion to our united effort in making sure we protect, preserve and grow our marriage. We’re bigger together than either of us could ever hope to be by ourselves.
Yesterday – actually last night – marked 41 years since we both said, “I do.” Whatever wisdom we possessed – look at the kids in that picture, how wise could we have been? 😀 – we’re so many miles past that point now, today’s wisdom has no resemblance to our 1978 version of it. That’s how it should be. Growth in wisdom, growth in connection, growth in devotion, growth in love.
When Oprah introduced the world to Dr. Phil I recall hearing him talk to somebody about the difference in young love and old love. The difference in falling in love as kids, and being married many years. He said it better than I ever could in describing long-term love – the love like I have with Rhonda.
“It’s a comfortable place to fall.”
It instantly resonated with me and that was many years ago. But I often think of his description because it’s so accurate. So ridiculously valuable. So INVALUABLE.
But for a few small decisions and my life would be much, much less. Eighteen year old me got it right. Even a blind pig can find one every now and again.
Help The Yellow Studio & The Leaning Toward Wisdom Podcast Get A Rode Rodecaster Pro
Now that Sweetwater has the unit, I’m linking up their E-gift-card link (you can enter ANY amount you want): https://www.sweetwater.com/shop/gift-cards/email
Use email: RandyCantrell@gmail.com
The Reward – For A Special Leaning Toward Wisdom (LTW) Episode
• 10-minute Skype call with me (20 minutes if you donate $25 or more)
• The topic: tell me about a time when somebody really encouraged you in a meaningful way
• This will provide content for a special episode about encouragement
• I’ll include your name and any links you care to promote (or if you prefer, you can remain anonymous because I still want the stories)
It’s the power of others. And it includes the power of others to help the LTW podcast.
Help The Yellow Studio & The Leaning Toward Wisdom Podcast Get A Rode Rodecaster Pro
Now that Sweetwater has the unit, I’m linking up their E-gift-card link (you can enter ANY amount you want): https://www.sweetwater.com/shop/gift-cards/email
Use email: RandyCantrell@gmail.com
The Reward – For A Special Leaning Toward Wisdom (LTW) Episode
• 10-minute Skype call with me (20 minutes if you donate $25 or more)
• The topic: tell me about a time when somebody really encouraged you in a meaningful way
• This will provide content for a special episode about encouragement
• I’ll include your name and any links you care to promote (or if you prefer, you can remain anonymous because I still want the stories)
It’s the power of others. And it includes the power of others to help the LTW podcast.
Let’s talk about ENCOURAGEMENT today. It’s going to be the big theme for me in 2019. That’s why I’m crowd-sourcing a special episode (and crowd-sourcing upgrading The Yellow Studio).
I’m leaning into the power of the collective in a major way this year. Professionally, I’m working to launch some peer advisory groups of small business owners from all over the U.S. If you’re interested in learning more, visit ThePeerAdvantage.com.
Let’s start a micro-revolution of ENCOURAGEMENT this year.
THANK YOU!
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…………………………………………………………………………………..
In 1977 a singer I knew as a background singer released her first solo record, Just A Stone’s Throw Away. She had been singing with some of my favorite artists. People like Linda Ronstadt, Don Henley, Little Feat, Jackson Browne, and James Taylor. Her name was Valerie Carter. She was 24.
In 1980 Jackson Browne released a famous song, “That Girl Could Sing,” which was likely about Valerie. She battled drug addiction for years. She died in 2017. She was 64.
Track number 3 on that debut record is a song, “Heartache.” Click here to listen to the song. Today’s show title is a lyric from that song. Valerie, like you and me, knew heartache. Lowell George of Little Feat co-wrote the song.
We’re not going to end the year on a downer note. Instead, we’re going to be optimistic. Not because we stick our head in the sand, but because we’re strong enough to face the realities of our pain and heartache. And the reality that for some of us 2018 was a grand year of heartache.
Valerie sang that lyric directly to Heartache.
“Heartache, find another place to be. I’m tired of being your best friend.”
She’s tired of providing the landing place for heartache. Tired of embracing heartache as her best friend. It’s a breakup song with heartache.
Is there any better time to give heartache the heave-ho? Here at the end of the year?
Ditching heartache isn’t nearly so neat and tidy. Would that we could just make up our mind to be done with it. Not so easy.
2018 brought some of us extraordinary heartache. I know some LTW listeners who lost spouses. Some who suffered betrayal from a spouse. Some who endured heavy financial strains. Others who lost jobs. Some endured the heartache of loved ones addicted to drugs. Some were diagnosed with diseases. Heartache knows no bounds. It touches all of us, in a variety of ways.
Songs of trouble and heartache resonate with us because it’s such a universal experience. As I was listening to Valerie sing the song responsible for today’s podcast title, I thought of other songs. Ry Cooder’s song, “Trouble, You Can’t Fool Me” from his 1979 album, Bop Til You Drop. And there’s the song I always think of by Mat Kerney, from his 2009 album, City Of Black & White. The song, “Closer To Love” contains the line, “We’re all one phone call from our knees.” It depicts a phone call that buckles us, causes us such heartache we can’t even stand on our feet.
There are classics like “Lean On Me” by Bill Withers, released on his album, **Still Bill**, circa 1972. All of us can relate to the lyrics. ***Sometimes in our* lives *we all have pain*** ***We all have sorrow*** ***But if we are wise*** ***We know that there’s always tomorrow*** ***Lean on me, when you’re not strong*** ***And I’ll be your friend*** ***I’ll help you carry on*** ***For it won’t be long*** ***‘Til I’m gonna need*** ***Somebody to lean on*** *Please swallow your pride* *If I have things you need to borrow* *For no one can fill those of your needs* *That you won’t let* show *You just call on me brother, when you need a hand* *We all need somebody to lean on* *I just might have a problem that you’ll understand* *We all need somebody to lean on* *Lean on me, when you’re not strong* *And I’ll be your friend* *I’ll help you carry on* *For it won’t be long* *‘Til I’m gonna need* *Somebody to lean on* *You just call on me brother, when you need a hand* *We all need somebody to lean on* *I just might have a problem that you’ll understand* *We all need somebody to lean on* *If there is a load you have to bear* *That you can’t carry* *I’m right* up *the road* *I’ll share your load* *If you just call me (call me)* *If you need a friend (call me) call me uh huh(call me) if you need a friend (call me)* *If you ever need a friend (call me)* *Call me (call me) call me (call me) call me* *(Call me) call me (call me) if you need a friend* *(Call me) call me (call me) call me (call me) call me (call me) call me (call me)* Sorrow. Sadness. Heartbreak. Heartache. Trouble. Like love, these are common themes of songs, poems, movies, TV shows, novels and biographies. **Facing This Past Year’s Heartache** I confess that this year I suffered my greatest heartache ever. No, I’m going to go into it, but I make that admission so you don’t think I’m just faking it. I’m not. My knees have buckled this year. I have felt the hopelessness and despair just like you. It won’t go away, but that doesn’t mean I have to make heartache my best friend. I refuse to let that happen. I’ve got too many people looking at me, watching my every move. Taking cues from me on how they ought to behave. I owe them better. This year’s trouble has taught me some things. Some of them new, most of them not. But my pain and sorrow have made me better understand that our troubles contribute to making us who we are, but they only define us if we allow it. Instead, I’ve tried to find inspiration from Valerie’s song by urging my heartache to find another place to be. **The Paradox Of Heartache’s Company** Heartache needs a host life with which to associate. When I ask Heartache to find some other place to be, does that mean I’m wishing Heartache would visit somebody else? I rather doubt Lowell or Valerie were wishing heartache on others. Sadly, both are gone now so we can’t ask them. I choose to think when Lowell George penned the lyrics to the song he wasn’t wishing ill on anybody. Likely, he just wanted Heartache to leave him alone. But Heartache is like the Devil and temptation. He’ll leave you alone, but only for a while. Heartache has a phenomenally large capacity. Whether you’re embracing Heartache at this moment or not, it doesn’t matter. Heartache isn’t going to refrain from visiting others just because it’s got you wrapped up right now. And just because Heartache is steeped into the lives of others right now doesn’t mean there’s not enough to visit on you. Heartache is expansive like that. It’s like the 1957 movie, **The Blob**. It consumes everything in sight, expanding to grow as needed. So don’t feel bad when you ditch Heartache. He’ll go visit somebody else no matter what you decide. You’re not responsible for the actions of Heartache, except to the degree you can control his intrusion into your life. **Heartache Is A Friend, But Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend** None of us can imagine a life without Heartache. We’ve spent so much time with Heartache AND we’ve learned so much from enduring and overcoming heartache…it’s reasonable to consider Heartache a friend. A friend we don’t like or enjoy being around, but a friend that has provided us with many lessons. I’m thankful for the lessons. Somewhat sad that I need Heartache to visit me in order for me to learn them, but such is our plight as humans. There was an episode of Boston Legal (do you remember that show? it was great) where Shirley defends a man keeping a teenage sexual assault victim from taking medication that will make her forget the experience. Part of her defense was that we’re all defined by the things that happen to us in life, good and bad. Indeed. I’d like to erase some heartache from my life, but more importantly, I’d like to erase the facts of the heartache. I don’t want to remove the heartache. Rather, I’d like to remove the cause of the heartache. Or would I? We’ve all had our hearts broken with young love. You haven’t? Well, aren’t you special! 😀 I have. Would I have preferred that my first-grade girlfriend or my sixth-grade girlfriend stayed with me forever? Think of it. Rhonda and are fast approaching our 41st anniversary. Next summer it will be 43 years since we began dating. We’ve been together ever since. Had I not endured the heartbreak of lost love as a grade schooler, I wouldn’t have her. That would be a terrible loss! But not heartache is equal. People suffer badly. Often at the hands of others. Of course, I’d wish it weren’t so, but it is. I wish people didn’t suffer disease, injury or death. Bad things happen to people. All people. Good people suffer. Bad people suffer. We all suffer. I suppose the grand objective is to figure out how to learn the lessons Heartache can teach without allowing Heartache to get too comfortable in our presence. Or without us getting too comfortable in his presence. Like a tutoring session, we learn our lesson, then leave. **The Many Face Of Heartache** Sorrow. Sadness. Disappointment. Failure. Anxiety. Pain. Defeat. Grief. Turmoil. Chaos. Few things are more flexible than Heartache. It’s like that T-1000 from Terminator 2. You know, the cop in hot pursuit who is constantly reshaping himself into whatever is necessary to continue the pursuit. Heartache is like the T-1000. Adaptable. Pliable. Multi-faceted. **Resilience.** Parents wanting to protect their kids from disappointment and heartache didn’t stop to think of the results. They wrongly figured they were instilling an extra measure of self-confidence. Instead, by rewarding their kids for every little thing they created a fake environment that didn’t prepare their kids for the real world smack in the mouth. Adversity builds resilience. A lack of adversity builds softness and weakness. When kids grow up expecting everything to always be okay, and expecting to get a ribbon for just showing up – then we’ve created a delusion that will cripple them. **2019. The Year Of Encouragement.** How Can You Help The Podcast? 1. Subscribe at **iTunes** | **Stitcher** 2. Leave us a review at **iTunes** 3. Pick your favorite way to **support us financially** 4. Join the conversation at **our Facebook group** 5. Tell your friends. Promote the shows on social media.
Why is it so hard to change your life? Because it’s hard to change your mind.
This year I’ve devoted a lot of time reading and thinking about how we change our minds. Specifically about how we change our thinking to see things more clearly and accurately.
The quest began a few years ago, likely motivated by where I’m at in life. Four years ago I sat down to really figure out what I wanted to do professionally. I had stumbled into executive coaching, focused mostly on leadership. Namely, the skills required to become effective in serving others to be their best.
It was becoming the most rewarding work of my life, made possible only because I had spent my entire life operating in the real world. I had spent many years operating businesses and leading people. My leadership wasn’t always perfect, or even ideal. But I was always devoted to being better.
I was also devoted to serving the people under my employ, obligated to do what might best help them perform at high levels. Sometimes I succeeded. Other times I failed. A few times miserably.
My intentions were always good. Through the years I had fully devoted myself to the study and practice of leadership. Now, as a mature and experienced businessman, I was pleased and proud to devote myself to helping others. Some were like me, mature and experienced. Others were emerging leaders, many just starting their own leadership journey.
Men. Women. Experienced. Inexperienced. All of us plagued with a common challenge – how to improve (change) our lives professionally. But I quickly discovered with every client engagement it was never limited to professional. Our lives don’t happen as cleanly as we’d like to think. It’s not like we can remove our personal life hat when we walk into the office. Or like we can remove our professional life hat when we walk into our homes.
It’s hard to let go of the past. How we see ourselves determines our present. And our future. That’s why change is so hard. Because it means we let go of the past. Easier said than done.
The present, determined by our past, often determines our happiness. Call it contentment or satisfaction if you prefer. I do. Because happiness is just too temporary and largely fueled by our emotions. That’s why I can be happy one moment, sad the next. It’s why I can ride the same roller coaster you do, soaring to happiness, then spiraling down to sadness and despair.
Contentment and satisfaction are longer-term sensations. Within the context of those, I can ride that roller coaster, while still truthfully feeling contentment or satisfaction. Or while feeling discontentment and dissatisfaction.
How dissatisfied are you?
True confession: I’m often dissatisfied. With myself. With my accomplishments. While simultaneously being completely satisfied and contented. I can hold both at the same time because of one big element, gratitude. Thankfulness!
Only an ingrate could fully embrace complete dissatisfaction. Which may prove that we’re often surrounded by ungrateful people who live miserably. How can a person be grateful and miserable at the same time?
This isn’t about complaining. Fact is, it’s the opposite of complaining. But first, let’s consider how miserable, complaining people CAN be in love with their lives. Got anybody around you like that? I do.
People who embrace drama and attention because of the constant issues in their life that you just must know all about. Because they’re going to tell you.
Center of the universe syndrome.
But it’s not really a syndrome as much as it’s a self-obsession I think. People so consumed with their own lives they can’t even see the lives of anybody else.
Takers.
Yet people who thrive on it all. The complaining. The suffering. The disappointment. All the bad things that may happen to them. As long as they have you to talk to, their life is good. 😉
I wish they’d at least be thankful for the time and attention I give them. But alas, I know I’m being greedy. Asking for far too much.
Let’s pull the car back onto the road. The shoulder is making me tense.
Past. Present. Future.
We love a grand story of somebody who rises above their past. Redemption and other themes shine through and capture our imaginations. They give us hope that we too may be able to rise above our past. Or climb higher in the future than we’ve ever climbed before.
Mostly we judge it on the superficial. Money. Job titles. Fame.
How else could we judge it anyway?
We’re certainly not going to trust them telling us how they feel about their lives. Boy, what a ridiculous standard that would be. They’d just lie to us anyway, right?
Let’s beat this about shall we?
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I was reading this website about the various generations. The article is entitled, GENERATIONS X, Y, Z, AND THE OTHERS. I read it mostly so I could better understand the dates assigned to the various generations. I was prompted to dive more deeply into understanding the timelines because it determines the context.
Telling you that I was born in 1957 doesn’t make me any better than my son who was born in 1980. It doesn’t make me lesser or greater than my first grandchild born in 2007. Or my last one born in 2015. Each of us experiencing life in a different way.
When I hit my mid-fifties I had an epiphany. And you know I am just a man in search of an epiphany!
It was simply this. I’ve never been better! Perhaps never more undervalued either. This wasn’t a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Or complaining. It was during a conversation with somebody 20 years younger than me who was lamenting his lot in life. He was complaining and fully embracing victim mode. I was trying to help him see things more clearly, and to understand that no matter what had happened to him – or what was currently happening to him – that he could do something positive with it.
According to the research firm that posted the article, I’m part of the Boomers II or Generation Jones. Here’s what the article about us…
This first post-Watergate generation lost much of its trust in government and
optimistic views the Boomers I maintained. Economic struggles including the oil
embargo of 1979 reinforced a sense of “I’m out for me” and narcissism and
a focus on self-help and skepticism over media and institutions is
representative of attitudes of this cohort. While Boomers I had Vietnam, Boomers
II had AIDS as part of their rites of passage. The youngest members of the
Boomer II generation in fact did not have the benefits of the Boomer I class as
many of the best jobs, opportunities, housing etc. were taken by the larger and
earlier group. Both Gen X and Boomer II s suffer from this long shadow cast by
Boomers I.
It’s not right or wrong. It just is the context of the timeline of our lives. The timeline of our generation.
I was 40 by 1997 when the Internet was commonplace and usage was becoming more widespread. That means I had zero public presence during the days when most people start their digital footprint. And boy am I thankful. 😀
It also means that I had a solid 24 years of business experience before I ever wrote and published a “journal” entry. In 1997 we called them journals and what we did was called “journaling.” Later, it would become blogging on blogs. And that first audio file I put up online in 1997 wasn’t a podcast, but it was an audio journal. So it began.
I’m not romantic or sentimental about my timeline. It’s just my reality. And I’m aware that it impacts my perspective.
When my career began there was no caller ID. Our home phone rang and we answered it. I used to sell Code-A-Phone machines (a brand name), those tape driven devices that would answer our phone while we were away so people could leave us a message. Fax machines didn’t yet exist. Cable TV was just arriving. Big screen TV’s hadn’t yet been invented. TV’s were mostly sold by Magnavox or RCA dealers. We listened to music on vinyl records. Our cars mostly had AM only radios. If we wanted any stereo sound in our cars, it was provided by installing an overmarket 8-track deck with stereo speakers.
In 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated. I was in Mrs. Arnold’s first-grade class at Hayes Elementary School in Ada, Oklahoma. Our classroom was on the third floor (counting the basement) overlooking the front of the school where the flagpole was. We watched as the flag was lowered to half-staff. See if you can find me in the picture. #FindRandy
In 1969 when Neil Armstrong stepped onto the surface of the moon, I was 11. I watched Walter Cronkite get choked up with emotion. About 6 years earlier I saw him do the same thing when he reported President Kennedy was dead.
Walter Cronkite was a daily voice and presence in my life. He reported the body count of the Viet Nam war every weekday. Harry Reasoner and Dan Rather were “in country” as the Viet Nam vets called it. A phrase that meant you were on the ground in Viet Nam.
By 1972 I was just a few years away from emerging victorious from high school. Watergate erupted. By the fall of 1974, it was over. Nixon waved goodbye from the doorway of the helicopter and Gerald Ford was our President. He was also a character we laughed at on SNL thanks to Chevy Chase.
Saturday Night Live was among the funniest things ever. Belushi, Ackroyd, Chase, Murray, Radner, and company were weekly indulgences during my later teen years. It launched in 1975.
Fax machines were neat. They used this thermal paper, which was magical. Sadly, we learned the hard way when we ripped off the fax and filed it…that in short order all those papers in our files were completely white. That thermal image didn’t last. Enter the next trick thing – PLAIN PAPER fax, where an ink cartridge put actual ink on a page. It was quite the time saver, too because we no longer had to photocopy the thermal fax in order to preserve the fax output.
We all wore pagers, too. Not just drug dealers. They were the first, but the rest of us realized they had utility. Man alive, could it get any better? People would page us to call them. So we could hunt for a nearby pay phone and say, “Hey, you paged me. What’s up?” Talk about being connected. We had no idea what lay ahead.
The first cell phones were thousands of dollars and beyond the reach. Until they weren’t. By 1989 the flip phone hit and life couldn’t have been cooler. Until it was. Cooler.
Hello, Internet! Game over. Until it’s not. Wait until AI and VR become mainstream. I suspect we’ve not seen anything yet.
Context.
My father is 95. His generation, according to that research article I cited earlier, is part of the World War II generation. Tom Brokaw deemed them, “The Greatest Generation” because of their contributions during that war. My dad has seen considerably more than I have. The context matters.
Part of the context that matters is when things happen. I was 40 when the Internet became mainstream. My father was 74. That’s a major difference. My oldest child, my son, was 17. The Internet gave me much more leverage (an advantage) than it did my father because I was so much younger. But it gave me less advantage over my son because he was younger than me. Context is relative. It just is what it is.
Part of the power of the timeline of our generation is timing. It’s the when factor. By having the Internet all of his adult life my son has an advantage over me and his grandfather, my dad. Timing may not be everything, but it’s something. Something important.
I’ve been alive during all of my son’s life. So far.
My dad has been alive during all of my life. So far.
But our timing gives each of us a different perspective. It changes our context.
I heard stories of my great grandmother, who I was happy to know when I was just a little boy, riding in a covered wagon. Just knowing somebody in my family with that experience is part of my context. A context my son knows nothing about even though he knows covered wagons used to exist.
Timing influences us.
Passing It On. Passing It Back And Forth.
Historically I suppose the notion of passing it on was focused on the responsibility of adults to pass along wisdom and knowledge to their children and grandchildren. Appropriately so. It’s the burden of leadership and mentorship. If I have learned something that can help you, should I feel any moral obligation to share it so you may benefit from it? Certainly.
Thankfully, through the years passing it on has morphed into an even more valuable idea – passing it back and forth. Basketball teams work together to advance the ball to the open man, the player with the highest probability of making a successful shot. Why shouldn’t we do the same things with each other? Why not advance ideas, experiences and knowledge back and forth for the mutual benefit of everybody, giving each person the best chance for success? We should.
Life is competitive, but that doesn’t mean it’s always a competition. My father passed along some things to me, which I in turn, passed along to my son, and my grandsons. But I’ve passed along things to my father that could serve him – not because I’m smarter or wiser, but because my timing is different. My context is different. And sharing that context can enable him to better understand things he may otherwise find difficult. So it goes with my son. And with my grandsons.
I don’t think of it as give and take as much as I think of it as give and give. When we’re leaning toward wisdom we’re completely devoted to giving and accepting. Giving what we know and have learned and accepting what we don’t yet know, or have yet to learn.
My father was born in 1923. My grandparents were all born somewhere around the turn of the century, almost 120 years ago now. My connectivity to the years before my birth – 40 to 50 years before – coupled with my connectivity to my own grandchildren – another gap of 40 – 50 years or more gives my life a timeline that matters. You have your own timeline. And it matters to you. It helps shape how you view the world. And how you see yourself in the world.
For my life, there is a full century of time at either end of my lifespan that helps shape my context. It’s been done in stories and pictures. Recollections passed along. Conversations had. Some directly with people I knew and met. Like my maternal great-grandmothers. I never met my maternal great-grandfathers though. Some I know through their stories and their context of people who preceded them.
Yes, life is brief. The Bible bears it out. Life itself proves it. Even if you live to be quite old like my father – 95 years isn’t all that long really. Tack on another century – roughly 50 years on either end of his life and you’re now doubling the years of context that shape the story of your life. His life.
What’s the point of all this? There are so many points I suppose that deserves to be considered. I wish I were smarter and wiser to consider them all. Or even to know which ones matter the most. But I’ll go with the one that took me down this bunny trail to begin with. Our time here matters to the lives of others. We help shape the context for others. And not just somebody, but likely a rather large group of somebodies.
Those 5 kids pictured are my grandchildren. They all know my father. He’s 92 years older than the youngest and about 84 years older than the oldest. As they grow older they’ll hear stories about him, stories they’ve not yet heard, or been old enough to comprehend. They’ll pass those stories along. That lengthens the timeline for everybody along the way.
Stories of my dad’s childhood – of my mom’s childhood – expand my timeline. No, I clearly wasn’t around, but through their shared experiences I have some context of their lives. More years get added to the equation. More context. Deeper context.
The practical point of knowing that our lives impact others is the importance of communicating. Sharing.
Recently, I sat down with a very important mentor of mine. He’s in his early 80’s and known me all my life. We sat and talked over the course of some days as he visited our home. I urged him to use the webcam of his computer to record stories of his life for his kids and grandkids – something I remember doing for my kids years ago. We talked of the people who were important when he was growing up, people he’d love to see speak in video/audio today. But the technology didn’t allow it. Today, it not only provides us with the opportunity for it, but it’s convenient and cheap, or free.
Leaning Toward Wisdom began as a legacy project. Legacy is important not because of you, and selfish reasons. It’s important for the people who surround us. For all the people we influence, even if we don’t intend to.
During a recorded conversation with Drew Dudley for another podcast I co-host – What Anyone Can Do (Leo Bottary is my co-host and author of a book by that same title) – Drew uttered a phrase, “daily legacy.” I had already started the notes for this podcast episode, but it fit so perfectly I’m including it here. First, let me encourage you to go find Drew’s TEDx talk on leadership. It’s only 6 minutes long. I’m embedding it for your convenience. The story proves the power we have to impact others, even complete strangers.
You can watch or listen to our conversation with Drew **here.** You may find it valuable to this entire notion of how significant our lives are to the context of others. And how we contribute to the timeline of our generation, and other generations, too. Past and future. It’s a powerful truth that our lives matter not only daily, but yesterday and tomorrow. We mostly think today and tomorrow matter most, but we also are impacted by the past – and we impact the past. Not in the sense of changing history, but in the sense of impacting the lives of people older than us. Past. Present. Future. It all matters. Like us. We all matter. Our timeline is likely much, much larger or longer than we think even though our time is short. Short doesn’t mean unimportant or insignificant. It just means we should all have a greater sense of urgency about how we live. And in what matters most. I saw a graphic (the one below) that captured my attention. It shows a line of people with their backs to us. Up at the front of the line people are floating up into the air. It depicts death and shows how we’re in this invisible line without knowing our place in the lines. It says that 105 people die every minute. Now you may be irreligious or very religious. I’m not judging, but the title across the top of the page asks a question, “Are you prepared to meet God?” We assume each of these people is dying and will eventually meet God, prepared or not. Then Matthew 25:1-13 is quoted. It’s the parable of the 10 virgins (five foolish and five wise) who were waiting on the bridegroom to arrive. The Lord is the bridegroom and when He returns some will be ready, but others will be completely unready. Maybe you don’t believe in such things. I get it. But don’t overlook the big point of your timeline. 105 people die every minute. But their influence doesn’t die. Their impact doesn’t die. At least not right away. Maybe not for a very long time if they had kids, grandkids, great grandkids. Every life in that line matters. The timeline of our generation – of our life – is enhanced and expanded when we focus more on giving away whatever we can to others. There’s the lead. Self-sacrifice is the path to self-expansion. It’s the path to having a greater impact on our own life and the lives of others. By not thinking only of ourselves, but by putting the life of others and how our lives can serve theirs at the forefront of it all. Permit me to leave you with a few more Bible verses because they’re relevant to this conversation. **Luke 9:23-24** “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. That daily cross – daily legacy – is self-sacrifice. It’s what Christ Himself did. Those of us who claim to follow Him try to walk in His footsteps. He certainly denied Himself. And I believe He is the Son of God. So who am I to not give myself to the benefit and welfare of others? It’s not about your smallness, but about your bigness. There are currently 7.,7 billion of us. None better than another. None more intrinsically valuable than another. But each one uniquely different. Each one with a timeline all its own. Each one connected to multiples more who are no longer here. Imagine the impact. What if every person, all 7.7 billion only impacted 10 unique people – a ridiculously unreasonable small number – then that’s 77 billion lives impacted! It’d be easy to argue that we’re all connected in some way. As part of the human race our time here matters. Now, the question remains, “What are we gonna do with our life? And our time here?” How Can You Help The Podcast? 1. Subscribe at **iTunes** | **Stitcher** 2. Leave us a review at **iTunes** 3. Pick your favorite way to **support us financially** 4. Join the conversation at **our Facebook group** 5. Tell your friends. Promote the shows on social media.
My first girlfriend was smart. It would begin a trend. Mostly being attracted to smart girls. Even in first grade, I could tell who was smart and who wasn’t. I never felt smart except in one area – people. I always had a knack for spotting and knowing the smart people. But not the brainiacs. The smart people who were also like me, people smart. As I grew older I realized it was an endangered species. Our numbers appeared to be dwindling.
Nobody knows everything. That includes people who smash your hope with doubt. And people who fuel your excuses by feeling sorry for you. And everybody in between.
I’m jotting down a few notes for today’s show while listening to Mark Knopfler’s new record, Down The Road Wherever. I can highly recommend it. Fact is, I can highly recommend anything he puts out. I envy his talent.
I once aspired to be creative. Whether in music. Or cartooning. Or in writing. I always wanted to pursue such things, but I was too practical to let the thoughts loiter around too long. So I wound up in business. Selling things. Serving customers. Pursuing business growth rather than something more soothing or joyful to my soul.
Nobody knows everything. That includes me when I’m willing to smash my own hopes with doubt.
I set about as a young man to pursue wisdom. Others can judge whether I chased it with enough vigor to catch it. But I’m still running hard. These days, mostly breathless, but still pursuing.
The road isn’t always clear. Much of the time it’s densely fogged over, creating doubts that you’re even between the lines – much less on the road to where you want to go. And if you’re life is like mine, some days you’re not really clear on where you want to go. You’re just pleased to feel like you’re still on the pavement, and not veering into the ditch.
Nobody knows everything. We’re all working to figure it out. Give yourself and those around you a break, the license to be wrong.
“Tomorrow will be better.” I grew up hearing folks say that a lot. Eventually, I found myself saying it quite a lot, too. Too much perhaps.
But it’s at the heart of hope. And hope is at the heart of today’s theme – nobody knows everything, including anybody or anything that would rob you of hope. I also know it’s at the heart of discontentment, too. Hopefully in a good way though. A way where you realize you’ve not arrived. Full well knowing you never will arrive so you may as well enjoy the journey. And whatever scenery you pass. That is if you can look up from your phone long enough to look out the window of life’s journey.
Nobody knows everything. Nobody sees everything. Nobody understands 100% of the context of your life and what you’re chasing. News flash: you don’t fully understand their story either. But we often think we do.
Okay, let me pick up the pace. And insert some positive energy because I know you’re thinking – “Man, what a downer today!” No, not at all. So brace yourself. Hold on. Make sure your seatbelt is tightly fastened. I’m going to make a really hard left turn but trust the suspension. It’s gonna hold. And I know what I’m doing.
Life may not always turn out as we hope, but it can turn out as we need if we’ll devote ourselves to wisdom. It’s not a matter of what should have been, or what could have been, but what must be for us to grow, improve and transform into a better version of ourselves. Hopefully on the route to becoming the best version of ourselves.
Only hope remains…hope that indeed we can lean toward wisdom and make wise choices, decisions and behave in ways that will lead us the best life worth living. But it’s not merely hope. It’s practical. And real. If we make it so!
You make the difference. Or you make excuses. I know you heard the show title today and had instant thoughts. That’s why I did it. I know it provokes images and ideas in everybody.
There’s a friend for that. Our life is a trainwreck, but we’re surrounded by people who support us. Of course, that’s because the world is filled with rubber-neckers who take solace in knowing somebody’s life is more messed up than theirs. And it gives them an opportunity to feel superior, too.
There’s a friend for that. We enjoy complaining and making excuses. They’re quick to gather around us and give us sympathy. Sometimes the sympathy spotlight is better than no light at all.
There’s a friend for that. We only have one viable option as we live today and face tomorrow. To devote ourselves to the effort. To work our hardest to make the most positive difference we can. No excuses. No blaming others. Or anything. Just chasing the wisdom so today’s decisions will lead us down a path of improvement. A path where we know enough to know how firm our hopes are…they’re our beliefs. We can surround ourselves with people who lovingly and caringly challenge us, not because there’s anything in it for them, but because they know there’s quite a lot at stake for us.
Of those three options, I know that last one is rare, which is why I wanted to talk about it today. I don’t think it should be rare. Certainly not as rare as it is.
The real topics are optimism, hope and true friends. Not merely sympathizers, but people who are devoted to helping us be our best. Even if it means telling us the truth so we can grow. Even if it means nudging or pushing us to uncomfortable places.
It also means discriminating against those who don’t serve us because they’re focused on serving themselves. Perhaps through us.
It’s knowing enough to truly believe we can get it done. It’s our willingness to face our realities – even our poor behavior and choices – so we get busy fixing what ails us so we can move forward. It’s learning, knowing and doing.
LKD.
Learning. Knowing. Doing.
People surround us who cheer us on toward whatever idiocy we embrace. Why do you think people can easily remain in dreadful, even life-threatening circumstances? Because we can all find people who think our choices are a good idea. Wanna dive into alcohol? Drugs? Theft? Immorality? There’s a friend for that.
One stooge is just sad, not funny. But three…three stooges is hilarity because foolishness loves a crowd. Fools travel in big packs, cheering each on in their idiocy. Wisdom is willing to stand alone. Or with just a few invaluable friends who are fully committed to the cause. The cause being growth, improvement and where necessary…transformation.
Dark Side. Bright Side.
Pessimism is rampant. Always has been. Probably because it’s easy. But I’m hopeful that we can make some changes in our little part of the world. I’m constantly trying. Failing mostly, but only hope remains so I’m going to keep on trying.
You make the difference. Or you make excuses. I don’t feel like making excuses. I’d rather try and risk failing at making a difference. I just don’t see any upside to the dark side.
Failing is hard when you’re staring down the pessimism that surrounds you. People who don’t have the hope you do. People who don’t believe. Worse yet, people who disbelieve. It’d be one thing if our detractors were just neutral, but they never are. They’re against us and our hope. And they’re anxious to let us know about it, too.
Fight back. I do. I call it out at every turn. It doesn’t likely convert them, but I figure I’m likely the only voice challenging their dark view of a thing. Or their dark view of me. I just refuse to surrender to them and their darkness. If they choose to embrace the darkness of hopelessness, that’s their business. But I don’t have to let them force me onboard. So I don’t.
That’s a darkness that’s pretty binary. It’s just black and easy to spot. But there’s a greyer darkness that isn’t so easy to see.
It’s the darkness of consent. It’s more insidious than overt pessimism because it looks like sympathy, support, and care, but it’s not. How do we know? Well, that’s hard. Really hard.
There are a few tricks we can use to figure it out if people are serving us or enabling us to continue down a foolish path.
Consider the source. Do they defend us? Do they foster our complaining and feel sorry for us? Do they assist us when we blame others? We all enjoy a degree of this kind of enabling because these are the people cheering us along.
Do they challenge us in a healthy, caring way? Not that we’ll always feel that way, but deep down – do we believe they have our very best interest at heart for the long haul? Or are they most interested in keeping us happy at the moment? Fearful of challenging us because they may not care that much about us, or because our shallow friendship matters more than our improvement.
What’s the cost to them? It may not be universally true, but it’s a fairly solid barometer. People who love us, or care deeply about us, tend to have the most to lose if we embrace foolishness.
Do the people who surround us help us avoid responsibility or do they push us to accept it? How willing are these people to help us by holding up mirrors so we can honestly see ourselves? Or to challenge us when they believe we can be better?
There are friends for all of that. Friends so-called who will enable us to continue to behave poorly. Or friends who will help us face the realities of our circumstances, choices, and behaviors so we can grow, improve and transform. Even at the risk of knowing we won’t much enjoy the experience in the short-term.
These friends can be our biggest supporters, defenders and positive challengers. Positive challengers are the people we all need. People courageous enough to help us avoid destroying ourselves with foolish decisions or behaviors. Sometimes only people who love us deeply can muster up the bravery to take us on. Challenge us to face our own foolishness so we can save ourselves from ourselves. We all need people who will never let us down. (Colbie Caillat recorded a great song and released it on her 2014 album, “Gypsy Heart” – Ain’t Never Gonna Let You Down)
**There are friends for that.** Friends who feed us with hope. And belief. Friends who enlarge our will to lean more toward wisdom, and away from foolishness. Last month (October 2018) I saw an article entitled, “5 stages of psychogenic death or ‘give-up-itis.'” You can die simply because you give up the will to live? Sure it’s rare and difficult, but it happens. We mostly hear of it or suspect it when an elderly person loses a lifelong spouse, and within days they die, too. One element is **Aboulia**, which literally means “will.” Dr. Leach, the expert cited in the article, describes this condition as when a person not only severely lacks motivation but also has almost no emotional response to the point of not wanting to speak. The sufferer becomes extremely withdrawn into themselves and has no desire or ability to help themselves or others. They simply give up and will their brain into standby position. This is the 3rd of five stages the doctor describes. Smack dab in the middle of the process of give-up-itis’. It’s preceded by social withdrawal and apathy. While something traumatic is most likely the cause of psychogenic death or giving up to the point where a person dies, it seems to me that each of us can die a little bit when we’re surrounded by Negative Nellies, people who just don’t believe in us, or perhaps are inept at expressing a belief in us. I’m increasingly fascinated by observing people – people in my life and people who aren’t in my life – who are so incredibly incompetent at expressing belief in others. Well, maybe a more accurate declaration would be my fascination with people seemingly incapable of accurately serving others. I witness is constantly. It sometimes feels like I’m bombarded with apathy, sympathy or negativity — no matter how hard I try to limit or restrict their presence in my life. Sometimes I’m accused of expecting too much from others. Not expecting them to do something for me, but expecting that they can grow, improve and transform. I’m **optimistic** for most people. Not in a judgey way, but in a deep belief way. It’s how I’m hardwired I guess because I don’t feel like I necessarily choose to live that way. It’s just how I am. It’s my view of the world and people. Let me explain, somebody gets up to give a presentation. It’s lackluster. Boring. Dull. Drab. But I know this person isn’t stupid. I have this deep belief that they could perform much, much better. Somebody will ask how I felt about the presentation. I’ll be honest and use those terms: boring, dull, drab. I’ll also say something, “I know he could do so much better.” Quite often, it’s that comment that sparks this retort. “Oh, I don’t know. I think that may be as good as he’s capable of.” Am I right? Are they right? Mostly we don’t find out. The next time I watch them present, it’s no better than the last, but I hang onto the notion that if they had the right person challenging them to be better, they could be better! Maybe I’m the idiot for not being that person for them, but we’re not always the right person for the task! Context and relationships matter. There are friends for that…at least, there can be. Human potential isn’t limitless, but I suspect very few of us have pushed ours to the limit. I did a Google search on this phrase, “how much of your full potential do most of us use.” Up popped 1,280,000,000 results. The first result was an article published in Forbes in 2011 – **To Unleash Your Full Potential, Do These 3 Things**. Here are the 3 things: 1. Train your brain to learn new things by embracing uncomfortable situations 2. Don’t believe what people say you can’t do 3. Set small goals to achieve big results I’m a bit focused on that middle one today – don’t believe what people say you can’t do. And people includes yourself. What you say to yourself isn’t always spot on. It’s often excuse-making. “I did my best,” isn’t necessarily accurate. I refuse to think the boring, dull presenter is incapable of doing better, even if it’s only marginally better! He’s not working on it. He’s not being pushed to be better. He’s stuck being dull and boring, clearly unable or unwilling to self-assess. (I’m constantly urging people to record themselves and listen or watch. Proof that people can be incapable of seeing or hearing reality because these same folks claim they do listen, but their performance continues to be poor. Maybe it just proves that they need more than observing the truth in order to improve.) This is all about higher expectations and optimism. The belief that things can be improved. Even if by just a little bit. And the belief that it’s up to us, coupled with the positive influence of friends who will help us. I’m practical, but I’m still filled with dreams, high hopes, and elevated expectations. Sure, I disappoint myself. Sure, others disappoint me, too. I’m not convinced it’s greater disappointment than if I weren’t optimistic or hopeful. But even if it is, it’s worth it because it fuels my belief in others and in myself. *People are mostly good, wanting to do even better. Sometimes we just don’t know how…and that’s why there are friends for that.* In the past 2 years, I’ve spent considerable time reading and studying about our ability to change our mind. Not our ability to change our opinions, but to literally make changes in our mind. To shift our thinking. To change our beliefs. Particularly our self-beliefs. I wish I could report I’ve mastered the art, but I feel like I only know enough to realize how dreadfully inadequate I am at the art or science of it. Here’s what I can happily report – we’re in control of how we feel. We’re also in control of how we think. Put it in a big mixing bowl, stir it vigorously and it means we’re in control of our destiny to the degree that we’re in control of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. That truth alone is life changing or should be. Why? Because it’s the foundation of what I said earlier… You make the difference. Or you make excuses. That’s the whole point of today’s episode. To encourage you to embrace and fully believe that. And to nudge you as firmly as I can to pick the former even though others around you may influence you to do the latter. Find friends who will help you grow, improve and transform. Ditch the friends who are simply devoted to making you happy with your current condition. As kids, we played follow the leader. As adults, we play it, too. I don’t think it’s foolhardy to say most people make excuses and not a positive difference. In their own lives and in their service to others. It’s the paradox of my optimism. I think most of us *want* to make a positive difference. We just don’t. For whatever reason. Maybe we believe it when people tell us we can’t do something. Maybe we believe the voice in our own head that tells us it’d be stupid to even try. So we don’t. Maybe we just don’t know how. Meanwhile, we’re surrounded by people making excuses. We learned to do it as little kids. Sometimes, maybe most times, it worked. It’s like complaining. It offers us almost immediate comfort. It garners sympathy from others. Yes, it wrecks us in many other ways that have long-lasting negative effects, but it’s a habit hard to break. Our individual and collective challenge is to rise above our first instinct to follow the herd with complaints or excuse-making. I know it’s hard. But again, I have a deep belief that we’re all capable of it. And we’re all capable of more. I don’t care what the people around me say, think or do. Neither should you! **There’s a friend for that. It’s our job to find them and let them serve us…and it’ll give us the opportunity to be that friend for others, too.** How Can You Help The Podcast? 1. Subscribe at **iTunes** | **Stitcher** 2. Leave us a review at **iTunes** 3. Pick your favorite way to **support us financially** 4. Join the conversation at **our Facebook group** 5. Tell your friends. Promote the shows on social media.
My life gets disrupted often. It’s not fun in the moment. But it’s profitable. Even minutes later.
Disruption is defined as “disturbance or problems that interrupt an event, activity, or process.” In my case, the event, activity or process is my life!
Everybody wants traction. In a relationship. In a career. In business. In every endeavor, we want to get traction as quickly as we can. To stick with the metaphor, we don’t want to spin our wheels. We want to get going and move forward. Preferably fast.
Traction is friction, but it’s the kind of friction we want and need for progress.
There’s another kind of friction that inhibits us. Stalls us. Sticks us. It’s the friction that foils our success. There’s all kind of friction. Much of it in our head, which can bring about physical friction. Both of them are very real.
Let’s talk about it. Better yet, let’s think soberly about it…then take some action to move forward.
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I heard somebody bragging about his leadership,
“I don’t expect anything of anybody.”
Well, that grabbed my attention. That illustration of a progress bar reaching 39 out of 100 displays our anticipation and expectation that we’ll get to 100. No matter if we’re charging our iPhones, or waiting for a software update to download, or for somebody in our life to do what they say they’ll do.
Anticipation is part of expectations. But only part.
The fulfilling potential is another part of expectations. 100 in that progress bar represents full potential. When our phone battery is 99% charged, we wait a few minutes expecting our battery to reach full capacity. 100% fully charged.
Pick a goal.
Figure out a process.
Grind it out.
Keep going.
Don’t quit.
Frequently I harken back to a story told by author Tom Rath in his book, Vital Friends. Find out more about him at his website, TomRath.org. I’m a big, big fan of his work.
Let’s talk about expectations, disappointment, and our relationships.
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Let’s go outside and enjoy the summer heat, shall we? A change of scenery is sometimes a good thing. Today’s show was recorded on my deck, not inside The Yellow Studio.
Epiphany (defined): note – this is the 3rd definition and the one I refer to, as opposed to folks who use it in a religious sense
a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something
(2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking
(3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
b : a revealing scene or moment
Sometime in 2015, I experienced one, professionally. But it definitely had very personal overtones. It impacted all facets of my professional desires. Over time I shoved all my professional chips into the middle of the table to enter a space previously foreign to me. Bold. Big. Scary. Very scary.
I want to encourage you, urge you to get in touch with who you are, and what you are. Then bet the proverbial farm on it. Fear can cripple the effort. Don’t let it.
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Rosanne Barr got stupid. Again. And the people lost their minds over it. ABC canceled her TV show, which was drawing millions of viewers each week.
A Philly Starbucks called cops on two men. And people lost their minds. Yesterday Starbucks closed for company-wide training, losing $12 million.
The NFL and the national anthem continue to be in the news. And people are still losing their minds about it.
A video shows a cop being rough with a teenager. And people go ballistic.
A sportscaster doesn’t pander to his college alma mater on the air. People go nuts and he’s forced to move his family. To another town.
Just today, there’s this. A story from The Telegraph about people who wear reading glasses.
Researchers at the University of Edinburgh analysed the genetic data of more than 44,480 people.
They found that, overall, those who were more intelligent were nearly 30 per cent more likely to have genes indicating they require reading glasses than those who scored poorly.
This is sure to cause riots among non-reading glass wearers who will likely feel bullied, assaulted, victimized by the researchers.
Chris Long, the Philadelphia Eagles player, posted a tweet a few days ago that got some hockey folks riled up.
I’m a serious hockey fan. I’m also a serious unfan of the NBA. But I’m also fond of Chris Long.
I wasn’t offended. Suppose the guy hates hockey and loves basketball. And that affects me how? And I would want to care because…?
The Internet was filled with people who took offense to Long’s tweet, not knowing one thing about what was really happening. Namely, that Chris Long was provoking people knowing full well that hockey players and the NHL is a tough game. It was a joke. And the joke was on the overly sensitive nimrods who reacted. You can read more about it all here. Or just do what many people do. Jump to a conclusion that suits you.
It just goes on. And on. And on. And on.
Right is right. Always.
Wrong is wrong. Always.
The problem is we’ve lost our way. We’d rather jump to conclusions with our knee-jerk reactions so we can harshly judge somebody. Empathy? Who’s got time for it? We’re too busy shouting ugly names at people. Calling people out.
Just about every network seems to have some late night funny person who drones on and on about the government, the White House, the President, or some celebrity who made a foolish move. The sheer number of these shows and the fact they remain on the air proves to me that somebody is watching. Networks are willing to pay these folks for doing what they do because it’s profitable. Which means people tune in. I may be the odd man out because I don’t find very many of them entertaining at all. For me, they’re the canaries in the coal mine of our culture’s lust for crushing people so we can feel better about ourselves.
When I was a kid playing football piling on was a penalty. Later it became known as a late hit. But we’d raze the guy who piled on. The person who wasn’t in the play, but wanted to get in on it anyway. That’s what all this behavior reminds me of. Folks who aren’t involved, but want to be involved. I wonder how much of that is happening. How many people are barking and howling at the moon of foolishness from the behavior of others just so they can get in on the action? And for what reason? So they’ll appear as more righteous? More morally upright?
If a harsh judgment of foolish or poor behavior was the only thing needed for wisdom, then we’d all be as wise as Solomon. Even Solomon veered away from God and in the end, he realized what was important. Reviling in his own bad choices, or the bad choices of others wasn’t the conclusion he reached. You can read his conclusion in Ecclesiastes 12:13, 14.
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“I’m one fat lip from the championship,
So don’t give up the fight,
And whatever it takes,
I’m going to make everything alright…”
– from “Whatever It Takes” by James Hunter
Back in February a new James Hunter Six record came out, “Whatever It Takes.” The title track had a lyric in the fourth verse that immediately grabbed me. It’s an old-school R&B sound. Magical.
Right away, under the old format of this show, I began crafting a draft for this show. Over the past months, I’ve come at this thing from more angles than a junior high math class protractor.
So many ideas were prompted by that first line – “I’m one fat lip from the championship.” Adversity. Perseverance. Victory.
Adversity. Perseverance. Victory.
Those 3 continued to play on the endless loop in my head. And in that order. I focused on that first one because it’s the only universal one – adversity. We all face it.
But we don’t all exhibit perseverance. Which means we don’t all experience victory.
Whatever it takes. It’s a line we may have said often. Maybe we said it to ourselves, about ourselves. Or maybe we said it to somebody else. It’s one of those great sounding lines we deploy when we’re looking for inspiration. Of course, like so many wise sounding themes, if you dig too deeply you realize how untrue these kinds of things can be. Whatever it takes? Really? What if it means sacrificing your marriage? Your kids? Your convictions? Will you really do WHATEVER it takes? I hope not.
Victory does have a price tag. Part of the problem is it never tells you how much it’ll cost. You have to find out for yourself.
Along the way, you may discover the cost is too high. And you may jettison the fight. Or…
You may figure out as the cost goes up, that you’ll call or even double down. Or fold.
It’s up to you. We each have the power and ability to decide if the price is too high. But that decision doesn’t always appear so rational. Many of us pay prices that are too high given the reward. Others of us don’t pay enough of a price because we may not see the truly high value of the payoff.
It’s Free Form Friday here inside The Yellow Studio. I’ve been noodling this idea since I first heard that song. And that lyric.
Happy Friday!
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I admit it. Young adults are among my very favorite people. These two young ladies in this picture are among my favorite people. They know it, too. Because I’ve told them. And I continue to tell them. This was the final year of undergraduate studies for one of them (yeah, you guessed it — the one in the cap and gown who graduated on Friday). This was the freshman year for the other one. Both of them attend the church where I serve. Sure, that makes them important to me, but that doesn’t have anything to do with how likable they are to me.
It’s graduation season. And I’m reminded of all the young adults who are somewhere on the journey toward creating the life they want. For some, like these two…that means higher education. For others, it means entering the workplace to figure out what they may want to do. For others, it may mean taking time to travel and venture out into the world to experience different countries and cultures.
Two words loom large for me (and have for the past 20 years or so): Legacy. Significance.
It was the genesis of this podcast. Nothing has changed. If anything, it’s just intensified.
Passing it on has been a preoccupation. I don’t feel any responsibility to tell anybody how to live necessarily. But I do feel confident to help show younger adults the pitfalls they may face. In the last few years, most of the focus has really been helping them navigate their own self-awareness. I find myself steadily offering insights on things they can do…things I wish somebody would have shared with me.
How We Got Here
Wherever you’re at in life. Age-wise. Financially. Relationship-wise. Any other way you’d like to gauge it. Consider where you are right now. And when I ask how you got here I don’t mean in all the little details. Mostly, I mean in the bigger issues. Important factors like influence. Viewpoints. Philosophies. Standards. How did you develop those? Who influenced the development of those?
Me? I got here because of people who had a big impact on me as a little boy. I got here because of some old men in my life. And a few old ladies, too. I got here because of parents. The short answer is, I got here because of the people who influenced me. The things they taught me. The warnings they gave me. The fear they instilled in me. It all mattered.
Something happens when you get old. Define old any way you’d like, but for me…old is when you’ve got more past than future. I know we can’t know our exact lifespan, but we’ve got some expectation. Hopefully, a reasonable expectation. Do I have 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? I don’t know. But I know how many decades are behind me and it’s impossible that I’ll have that many years ahead of me. So there. I’m old. And I’m good with it. 😉
What I’m not good with is neglecting to pass on what I’ve learned. It doesn’t mean I’m telling these young ladies, or anybody else in my life, how to live. Or what to do. It means I’m sharing experiences and insights. They can do with them what they will. Kick them to the curb. Take them in and apply them. Be bored by them. Or be entertained by them. Or all of the above. I respect whatever they choose to do with them. And that’s not hard because they give me the one thing that triggers me – TRUST.
Because our trust is mutual, we listen to each other. Because I’m old, but vividly remember being young – and because I’m completely empathetic to young people and their challenges. I don’t hold them accountable to how life was when I was young. These two young ladies have never lived in a pre-Internet world. Or pre-cell phone world. Their viewpoint is very different and I understand that. They know I understand it.
Nor am I romantic about the past. While I’m grateful to have been born in a time where I could see all the changes that have happened, I don’t suffer “good ‘ol days syndrome.” Honestly, today is the best time ever to be alive. Mostly, because this is the time when we are alive. But also because the digital age offers all of us, young or old, more opportunities than ever before. The possibilities for these two young ladies – and the millions like them – is extraordinary! Exciting. I’m very optimistic for them. Especially for these two because I know them. They’re smart. They’re wise. They’re responsible. They’re driven. They’re high achievers. It’s the stuff of success no matter a person’s age.
Now that I’m old I’m certain of a few things. Among them, the idea that if the older people in my life – when I was younger – would have taken more time to get to know me, and to allow me to get to know them…I would have learned so much more, so much faster! Fortunately, I sat around and listened carefully. I picked up bits of wisdom here and there from older folks. I befriended a few along the way and today I enjoy a solid relationship with a handful of men older than me (by 15 to 25 years). It’s important to me. So I’ve made the investment necessary.
But part of this is generational. I’m a baby boomer. The people of our grandparents and parents generation didn’t roll the way I roll. It was a different time. Each generation is. I grew up hearing about the “generation gap.” And I saw it up close and personal. But I was also a child of the late 60’s and early 70’s. The hippie movement was just before my time really. It all factors into how older and younger people relate, communicate and learn from each other (if they’re able to learn anything at all).
A lot has changed.
When my grandparents were 50, or 60 – boy, were they old. Today, folks are just hitting their prime at 50. By the time people are “old” they’re often at their very best today. They’ve got tons of life experience. Big time responsibility. Mental sharpness and energy, too. A 50-year-old in 1975 had little resemblance to a 50-year-old in 2018.
Meeting Them Where They Are
When you let the game come to you – as far as influencing young adults – it changes things for the better. But for me, it starts with meeting them where they are and communicating with them on their terms. That’s easy for me. On just about all fronts.
That doesn’t mean you’re their peer. Or you’re like them. Give me a break. I was once young. I do not want to be young again. No amount of money would suffice to get me to go back and do it all over again.
And I don’t want to live vicariously through my young adult friends. They have their lives. They have their talents and passions. I want them to be them. Not me.
When my now grown kids were living at home my wife and I told them that while they were under our direction, living at home, we established the rules for our relationship. “There’ll come a time,” I’d tell them, “when you’re going to leave home and establish your own. When that happens, you’re going to be in charge of our relationship. And we’re going to be perfectly good with that.”
For quite a few years now, that’s exactly how it’s been. Our kids are in charge of our relationship with them. That’s how it should be. They can come over any time. Unannounced. We’ll never do that to them, though. That’s now their right. Not ours. These are choices we made because it’s how we view things. You may not agree. And that’s fine.
I only mention this because it transcends into how I choose to relate to young adults. While I foster friendships and do whatever I can to put myself out there to give them opportunities to engage…whether they engage or not is entirely up to them. I’ll only impose if I fear they’re in trouble (spiritually, mostly — but perhaps physically). Some, like these two ladies, easily engage. Others don’t. I don’t judge. I’m just thankful for the ones who decide a relationship is worthwhile.
Perhaps a bigger part of meeting them where they are is the dedication to give value first. “Let me tell you what you ought to do,” are words they won’t hear me say. Not young adults. They deserve a more mature treatment. More consideration by listening and understanding what they’re thinking. And feeling.
Part of giving value first is being vulnerable. I’m willing to open up and share with them. I’m not some flawless old man. I don’t hesitate to share insights on things I learned from my own foolishness. Wisdom has a price. It’s important for them to know that, and see it as closely as possible without it being their foolishness. They’re going to make their own foolish steps. Seems to me there’s value in learning from mine first. So I never lie or pretend. Or hide.
You Get What You Give
When it works as I want – and as I aim it to – it’s always reciprocal. First, I give. Then they reciprocate. And as much as they may feel they’re getting, in their youth they don’t realize I’m benefiting as much (maybe more). I don’t hide it either. I tell them how valuable they are to my life.
The chickens do come home to roost. Always.
You reap what you sow. Always.
I want young people in my life so I put in the work. Too many people want something, including a relationship, but they’re not willing to put in the work. They enjoy getting jealous of those who do. The art of passing it on works just like everything else in life. You won’t reap where you haven’t sown.
Judgment Free Zone
Older folks are challenged by a lack of empathy toward younger people. I get it. It’s impossible for us to not know what we’ve already learned. For some, that erodes empathy. I understand how it happens when there are quite a few decades separating us, but there’s no excuse.
Empathy enables me to remember being young. And knowing what I’d listen to versus what would shut me down from listening. Besides, no matter our age we want to live our own life. I don’t want you living my life for me (not that you can, but you may feel like you can). All the vicarious living we may do through others is absurd. Impossible, too.
Any attempt to pass it on will be ruined the minute you choose to play the role of the expert advice giver. “You should…fill in the blank,” or “you shouldn’t…fill in the blank.” Should all the young people in your life – and I’m speaking of young adults – and you’ll quickly find them leaving. Quickly. Can’t blame them. You’d do the same thing if you were them.
Sadly, there are some older people with things worth passing along but they can’t do it without constant judgment. No sale!
The Priceless Value Of Friendship
Some parents think being friends with their kids is the route to raising successful, high achieving kids while forging the strongest relationship with them. Sadly, their good intentions don’t often pay off because we need what we need when we need it. And if parents try to be friends with their growing children, then that leaves a void nobody else can fill. Your kids can find friends. If you refuse to be their parent, setting standards and enforcing them, then your kids won’t be able to find anybody else who can do that for them.
Passing it on doesn’t look the same at every age. I’ve got a grandson who’ll turn 3 this summer. I nicknamed him Road Rash Roy when he was still one…because he’s fearless and always had a scratch or something on his face. Road rash. By the way, his name isn’t Roy. 😉
Well, Triple R gets into everything. And not just like a normal 2-year-old. He’s extraordinarily resourceful in his quests. Here’s a video my daughter-in-law created showing off his prowess. This was about a year ago, too. So you can imagine how much more accomplished he is today!
This kid clearly needs some high accountability and correction. His parents give him what he needs. They know what I know, his needs will change. And with his changing needs, they’ll change in giving him what he needs. Right now, Roy’s required to meet the standards of his parents. Over time he’s going to decide what his standards of conduct are. As adults in his life, it’s important for us to pass along what we’ve all learned. The foundations for successful living like self-confidence, empathy, respect, politeness, and all those things every child deserves to be taught so they can have a profitable life. We owe Roy our best so he can be his best.
Having raised Roy’s dad – our son – my wife and I know that if we can help him harness his gifts…this kid will be a major force. I happen to think most kids have sufficient gifts to be major forces. He’ll grow up and be his own person. Maybe he’ll resemble his dad in some things and his mom in others. But Roy is like everybody…he’s going to be his own unique self. His growth and advancement will require the adults who surround him (family) to adapt, too. We won’t always treat him like a 2-year-old.
This summer Roy’s dad will turn 38. The kid I once spent hours talking to without giving him a choice now seems to find it enjoyable engaging me in conversation. Today, we’re really close friends. Our relationship has changed through the years as we’ve both adapted to where he’s at in life. He found out I meant what I told him, “Right now, our relationship is on my terms, but when you leave home our relationship will be completely on your terms.” We’re now at a stage where life has been on his terms – as far as a relationship with me and his mom – longer than not. And I don’t think any of us could be happier.
Passing it on successfully means adapting. Serious adapting. As people grow up we have to adjust by honoring the fact that they’re growing up. Growing up means shouldering more responsibilities…and doing it well. It doesn’t just mean growing another year older. It’s earning trust. Both people earning more and more trust in each other.
Friendship happens when we do it well with our own children. It also happens with young adults who aren’t our children when we exhibit trust and work to earn it. I have no kinship with the two young ladies pictured. The relationship began because I serve as an elder for a congregation where we all worship. That instantly put upon me a responsibility to watch out for them. From there, friendships were forged. Not because I made them happen, but because I gave them the opportunity to happen. Each of them decided – I didn’t – that friendship was worthwhile. I’m glad they did.
Friendships don’t just happen. We have to foster them. And they can’t be forced, but they can be nurtured. When these 2 young ladies entered my life (not at the same time), I had no expectation of friendship. I only had expectations of what I was going to do for them – watch out for them. I knew I was going to serve them and their parents. It was non-negotiable for me. But that was on me. Not them.
My only expectation for them was to allow me to do that for them. That meant, they had to allow themselves to be accountable to me in the context of being a spiritual leader for them. That’s not necessarily an easy thing, but these two girls are very smart, wise and sober-minded. They didn’t hesitate. And it wasn’t something we hashed out. I started checking on them and they immediately responded. Over time we developed relationships and trust built. Quickly friendships formed as they learned more and more to respect my intentions. They knew – and now they know even more – that I care their welfare. And their life. And their ability to learn, grow, develop and improve. Without imposing on them what I may do in their situation.
I’m not them. They’re not me. We’re worlds apart in many ways. But they know I have a perspective, experience and wisdom that can help them think through whatever choices they face. And that’s the bottom line of our friendship – and all this passing it on. Thinking clearly. Gaining insights.
Sure, there are serious expectations I have for them, and for the other young adults in my life. One, I don’t want them to be ruled by fear. I want to help them think through their fears so they can manage them, or overcome them. Two, I don’t want them to be victims. I want them to face the reality that life is going to determined by their choices and behaviors. Bad things can happen to them. Bad people, too. But in the end, what they choose to think, believe and feel will determine what they choose to do. Roll all that up and it’ll determine what they do, which will give them the outcome. I don’t want them waking up each day feeling as though the universe is going to dictate anything. Three, I want them to be optimistic. I want them to expect the best outcome possible. I know that if I can help them be more optimistic then their lives can be greatly enhanced. Four, I want them to be empathetic. I don’t know how to teach it, or even if it can be taught. But I want them to not judge people harshly by assigning motives and feelings on others. I want them to embrace forgiveness and not let bitterness creep into their lives. Empathy is the answer. Fifth, I want them to be grateful. We’ve all got blessings. Most of us have far more blessings than we realize. It requires concentrated effort to make mental (or even physical) note of them. Gratitude is such an enormous positive power in life, it’s important to me that they embrace it and make it a lifelong habit.
Friendships are built on mutual caring and trust. Passing it on is important because of these two things. And there’s the burden of responsibility, too. I owe it to them. They deserve it. They’re worth it.
The Value of a 2-Way Street
Collective wisdom is only powerful and valuable if it’s shared. Collected. And collective.
It doesn’t flow only from me toward them. It flows back to me, too. It’s not selfish. It’s just highly valuable.
These girls and other young adults in my life teach me a lot. They provoke questions and conversations that help us both. They face issues that prompt deeper thinking on my part.
Their insights enhance my own. Sometimes their insights may alter my own. A 40 year age gap provides different viewpoints that help us gain clarity in life.
To assume that age gives us a lock on wisdom and insight is foolish. I’ve never made any such assumption. “Out of the mouth of babes,” and all that is an absolute truth. Those of us who are older have much to learn from the younger. We come from very different times. It’s not right or wrong. It’s different. And I find it very cool because it helps me navigate the present – always the present – instead of being stuck in the past. Granted, I’m not prone to living in the past. I suspect that’s one reason – very strong reason – why younger adults may be able to better relate to me. The past experiences only provide stories used to illustrate insights that can help them face some present opportunity or challenge.
Every Generation Deserves It
Our children and young people deserve our best effort to share our wisdom. They also deserve the freedom to take our stories, distill from them whatever they will and create their own path. That doesn’t mean they deserve the right to behave poorly. Nobody deserves that. But it’s their life. Our hope as mentors is to help them navigate it to the best of their ability.
Watching their growth is pretty stinking terrific. I love it. I love the work. It’s a great time of life.
“Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.” -George Orwell
A generation may not necessarily be better or worse. Just different. Choices and behavior determine our greatness. Every generation deserves the best opportunity to be great. The opportunity to make thoughtful, sober, conscious choices in their own lives.
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Music. Movies. Books.
Songs. Stories.
We love them. Enjoy them. Remember them.
I’m not a fan of the musical, but there are 2 that I love – and have owned on DVD for years. Paint Your Wagon with Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum with Zero Mostel and Phil Silvers. Both are funny. Both make me smile. That makes them memorable for me.
Music is a much bigger player in my life. Lyrics and harmonies are the focal points for me. Songwriters have long exclaimed that most songs are about some sort of love. Often about lost love. Heartbreak and heartache. But these are audience consumables. We’re watching a movie. Listening to a song. Reading a book. Reaching a big audience doesn’t always rely on relatability, as evidenced by this past weekend with the release of the movie, Avengers: Infinity War.The film was produced for about $320 million and this past weekend – that’s right WEEKEND – it grossed over $640 million. I’ve not seen it, but I know it’s about superheroes. I don’t know any superheroes so I know it’s not relatable like that, but clearly millions of people love the fictional stories of superheroes.
We’re being entertained. And it’s fine. Better than fine really because I suppose it gives us the break from reality that helps us cope better with ours. All in moderation of course.
But then there are more personal stories shared by others that really impact us. Not like the temporary smiles provided by a movie like Support Your Local Gunfighter with James Garner (another favorite of mine). I even use it as my Twitter and Facebook header image because it makes me smile. I’m talking about something deeper. More impactful. Longer lasting. A real connection.
There’s a guy I follow named Bryan Elliott. He produces a web series, Behind The Brand. I don’t know Bryan personally, but I like him. He’s earned my attention. Back in February, he posted a little segment of a longer interview he did with Seth Godin. It’s about 9 minutes and it perfectly illustrates the title of today’s episode. You need to watch it.
Bryan tells Seth that during their first interview back in 2009 Seth gave him the best advice. Seth didn’t remember giving it to him, but it was pretty good stuff.
Bryan shared the story of his pain as an adopted boy. Grateful and thankful for the family who adopted him and loved him, Bryan grew up with the urge to find his real mother. He had questions and was desperate for answers. It’s a very touching story best heard directly from Bryan. So go watch the video of him telling it. I promise you’ll be moved. It just might make you a fan, even if you’ve never heard of him before.
Why?
Because you can’t hear him, or watch him and avoid thinking, “He’s real. I can relate.”
I’m not adopted. I know my parents. I knew my grandparents. But back in February when I first watched the interview Bryan did with Seth, I was moved by his story. Yes, I was already following him, but the connection grew deeper for me. Bryan showed me something I hadn’t seen before. He opened himself up and became vulnerable.
It’s all this hard stuff – our pain, our suffering, our heartache – that forges strong connections. I say hard stuff because it’s hard for people to share all that. We’re prone to hide. To make sure we look good. And sound good. Proving to the world, and fooling ourselves, that we’ve got it all together. But we don’t. Deep down we all know it, but there’s just enough doubt to make us think, “I’m such a failure. Look at them!”
What we care about. That’s the deal. Self-preservation. Putting on the front so others think well of us. It’s inside most of us. Society has conditioned us. We’ve spent years looking at people who seem better, smarter, better looking, more talented, more successful than we are. We have to do what we have to do to show we’re at least trying to keep up. That we belong
Question: To what are we trying to belong?
The fraternity of other frauds? A group of people who are behaving just like us, pretenders?
Question: Who are we trying to fool? And why?
Everybody. I get it. We want to fool everybody. Maybe most of all, we want to fool ourselves. And there’s the danger. Self-delusion.
The irony of it all is that the thing we most seek – connection with others – is foiled by our behavior. Hiding ruins it. Courage fosters it.
The paradox is that showing our underwear (my metaphor for letting others see our pain) promotes easy connection with others. And that takes courage because it feels like weakness. Fear takes over, forcing us to rationalize that if we let anybody see us sweat, then they’ll know we’re not as great as we want them to think we are. We’re afraid people will think less of us.
You know the truth? People aren’t thinking about us anyway. They’re busying thinking about their own lives. They’re wrapped up in their pain, suffering, and heartache. Sure, they’re also wrapped up in their success, accomplishment, and happiness (or their ongoing quest for it all). You don’t think so? Take a moment and think about yourself. In the last hour, have you thought about anybody more than you’ve thought about yourself – your own life? The stuff going on in your life?
Well, there you go!
We’ve conned ourselves into thinking that hiding is better. That it serves us well. But it never does. And it ruins our ability to connect because we’re just another lemming in the sea working hard to make sure the other lemmings see no difference. Meanwhile, we’re all living secret lives of desperation. Here’s my copy if a classic book I’ve had since 1988, “Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men” by Jan Halper, Ph.D. That quote on the cover is by leadership expert Jim Kouzes, who at the time was the President of The Tom Peters Group. Here’s what he wrote about this book, “Explodes the myth of business as a totally rational process…a compelling and ultimately uplifting book about how men feel.”
The title of the book is taken from a Thoreau quote,
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
The book began in the late 1970’s as a study to develop a management training program that could deliver a better leadership style. Over the course of conducting many conversations with successful men, the author discovered men talking about things they didn’t reveal to anybody else. They talked about their relationships, marriages, careers, fears, and dreams. They opened up, revealing themselves. Along the way, they shared why it was so hard to show up that way with their peers, spouses, and friends. They were reluctant to share, but each proved desperate to change but didn’t know how. They weren’t just executives. They were men. Humans. People dreaming, even desiring, to change. But stuck in their fear to operate any differently than they had in the past.
For the first time in my life, I feel like my professional life, my personal life and my spiritual life are falling into alignment better than they ever have before. I don’t mean to say that up to now my life has been all these multiple, incongruent buckets of activity and philosophy. But never before has all my energy, thought and actions been more perfectly aligned where it feels like one path is pretty parallel to the other lanes of my life. It’s a good feeling. To be living more open, authentic to who and what I really am – and more importantly, to be a better version of myself. The goal hasn’t changed…to become better every day.
When I first read the book, I had no idea that 30 years later I’d be embarking on a new professional journey to help business owners – not just men – overcome this very thing. That’s what The Peer Advantage by Bula Network is all about – a professional peer advisory group designed to serve small business owners operating businesses in the $10-50 million range. If you’re a small business owner or know somebody who is – and you care about your growth as a business leader and a person, then I’m going to invite you to check it out (and at least have a free conversation with me to see if it’s something suitable for us to work together).
It’s fascinating when the desperation that has been quiet for so long comes out. Like Bryan Elliott’s. For some reason, at that moment sitting with Seth Godin, he was compelled to open up about it. He decided to go with his heart instead of his head. To lean into his emotional space instead of his fears. My guess – and it’s strictly a guess based on how we all behave as humans – is that he just up and decided. If he’d thought too much about it, he probably would have talked himself out of it. Fear would have ruled the moment instead of brutal honesty.
Let’s clarify and differentiate complaining and whining from letting down our fear-based guard to share our pain. One is selfish. The other is genuine. They’re not kin to each other. Not even close. So don’t confuse yourself or try to confuse others, hoping they’ll accept your moaning for being authentically candid.
Too many people embrace being a victim. Because it feels good believing it’s not our fault. Short-term salve doesn’t heal though. It just makes us feel better in the moment. And actually furthers the damage.
People who enter a room with a moan often tickle me. They don’t mean to. They’re hoping I’ll feel bad for them. Instead, I feel bad for myself having to hear them sigh. “Oh, your poor, poor person!” That’s what they’re going for. And they get it. It doesn’t help them though.
Any attention will do. It’s a habit. A sick, bad, destructive habit.
I’m not talking about that.
I’m talking about reaching a spot where we allow our heart to let go of the pent-up pain. A place where we’re brave enough to embrace our humanity. Where we feel confident enough and brave enough to let others know about our struggles. Our pain. Our suffering.
At that moment – in that very instance – we’re connected to such people more than to that expert or guru who tells us how together they are. Those folks spewing all the advice, telling us what we should do, and what we shouldn’t do. Inadvertently (or maybe, advertently) robbing us of the experience to figure things out, own our own stuff and live our own lives without feeling like a victim.
But this isn’t about gurus. It’s about YOU. It’s about US. However ordinary or extraordinary we may be. It’s about all of us.
It’s about those of us who are financially wealthy and those of us who are financially strapped. It’s about those of us who are debt-free and those of us who are debt-laden. It’s about those of us who are single and those of us who are married. It’s about those of us who lack any color and those of who have color. Any color. It’s about those of us with lots of letters behind our name indicating high achievement in education and those of us with not so much as G.E.D. behind ours.
Humanity has this in common. Not just pain, suffering, and heartache, but the bigger burden of fear.
False Evidence Appearing Real
Boy, does it appear real? In an upcoming episode of LTW, I plan to share some more insights about how our beliefs drive our lives. I’ve told you I’m reading a book about our minds – the way we think – impacts our life. We’re likely much more capable of controlling our destiny than we realize. And there’s no doubt in my mind that we can accomplish much more if we can simply find a way to believe it. Simple. But not easy to do. Or more people would do it.
Personality traits aren’t lost on me. Some people are shy and bashful. Others are open and loud. Still others are a bit of both. What’s easy for some, is crazy hard for others. I’m empathetic. I’m also open and candid if the circumstances allow it. I tend to let the game come to me. I’m not prone to force the game. I don’t judge folks who roll differently. We’re still all humans. Each of us fully capable of hiding, putting on a mask, hoping and wanting others to think we’re better than we really are. Overcoming those fears is individual to us. But the fears are universal.
Does it motivate you to fully understand that what we endure – the bad stuff – drives us to deeper connections? Is that not a good enough reward to consider finding safe spaces and spots where you can do it? Or do it more?
There’s two parts to this. Well, maybe more than two. There’s US. There’s THEM. The other people to whom we feel a deep connection.
Yesterday here in Dallas Jason Witten, the famed Dallas Cowboys’ tight end retired to join Monday Night Football. Fifteen years in the league, all of them as a Cowboy. Coach Bill Parcells drafted him in the 3rd round in 2003. By all accounts, he’s who we think he is. A genuinely good guy who mostly tries to do the right thing. Oh, and he’s a future Hall of Famer, too.
Like all retiring professional athletes, Witten said he’d mostly remember the moments with teammates. And he’ll miss the locker room, that band-of-brothers feeling going through the same struggles and pain with teammates.
The accolades are great. The winning, too. But the grind is memorable when we share the experience with others. Jason Witten’s life as a Dallas Cowboy likely includes a larger circle than mine, or yours, but we can still relate to the pain. I’ve never experienced the pain, suffering or heartache of a professional athlete, but Witten’s realness was always enhanced because we got to see him as “a guy.” Whenever the team would lose – which happened quite a lot over the last 15 years – Witten would be the guy stepping up to field hard questions by the press. Others would hide. He never did.
Reliable. Dependable. Honest. Durable.
It’s what we aspire to be ourselves. And it demonstrates that it doesn’t matter if you’re a multi-million dollar a year pro athlete or just some working schlub…the deep connections are with family and friends with whom you can safely share your pain. And the THEM matters because the people willing to view you as a safe person with whom to share their pain…they’re the ones drawn more deeply to you.
Laughs are terrific. Smiles, too. Good times. We need them. They add zest to our lives. But the growth and connection mostly occur when we’re grinding our way through or past adversity. And when we encounter somebody brave to enough to step out. Somebody with the courage to not hide their pain, fears, and failures.
What does this mean for you? I don’t know. Do with it as you please.
Do you want to focus on not hiding as much? On being less hypocritical? On being more open and pulling off the mask?
Do you want to shell down the adversity, challenges, and opportunities with somebody?
I hope you find value in the truth of what connects us to help you move away from the fear that may be standing in your way of embracing the shared pain where we can benefit each other. And where we can not make it just about ourselves, but about helping each other knowing that we’re all hurting in some way. Cue the R.E.M. song, “Everybody Hurts.”
Be well. Grow great. Lean toward wisdom.
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On April 21, 2018 former first lady Barbara Bush was laid to rest. She was 92, the wife of our 41st President and the mother of our 43rd. Two former Presidents, Barbara’s son, George W. and Obama shook hands with the clear aim being the consolation at the death of a mom. The photo dispells the very title of today’s show – the death of empathy. But not really.
Empathy, as a widespread, viral-like experience may not be dead, but she’s on life-support. Greater Good Magazine, produced by the University of California at Berkley, defines empathy like this…
The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences. Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of empathy: “Affective empathy” refers to the sensations and feelings we get in response to others’ emotions; this can include mirroring what that person is feeling, or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s fear or anxiety. “Cognitive empathy,” sometimes called “perspective taking,” refers to our ability to identify and understand other peoples’ emotions. Studies suggest that people with autism spectrum disorders have a hard time empathizing.
Empathy seems to have deep roots in our brains and bodies, and in our evolutionary history. Elementary forms of empathy have been observed in our primate relatives, in dogs, and even in rats. Empathy has been associated with two different pathways in the brain, and scientists have speculated that some aspects of empathy can be traced to mirror neurons, cells in the brain that fire when we observe someone else perform an action in much the same way that they would fire if we performed that action ourselves. Research has also uncovered evidence of a genetic basis to empathy, though studies suggest that people can enhance (or restrict) their natural empathic abilities.
Having empathy doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll want to help someone in need, though it’s often a vital first step toward compassionate action.
Psychology Today tells us 6 things about empathy that may help our conversation.
Empathy and sympathy aren’t synonymous. According to them we feel sympathy for others when we identify with their situation. But that feeling – sympathy – doesn’t necessarily connect us to that person or what they’re feeling. Proven by the fact that we can be sympathetic to somebody’s situation and have no idea about their feelings or thoughts. Sympathy rarely urges us to take action – except for writing checks to make donations. Sympathy, according to Psychology Today, doesn’t build a connection. Empathy does. As they write, “Sympathy is feeling for someone; empathy involves feeling with them.”
Empathy isn’t intuition. Research has shown that it’s both unconscious and it’s also supported by what’s going on in our brain. Neuroscience reveals that when we see others in pain it activates the parts of our brain that register pain. It appears that empathy is feeling, brain chemistry and physiology. Much of it stems from our ability, or lack of ability, to employ systematic thinking to read others.
Empathy engages specific neural circuitry in our brain. Our ability to mimic and mirror others is a capacity that takes place in specific areas of the brain.
Empathy is learned. The capacity for it is in us, but we learn it. All of us who have raised kids know that little kids have a difficult time regulating their emotions. Infants learn from the adults who surround them. Identifying with them helps kids learn to regulate their emotions. Being swept up in somebody else’s emotions isn’t empathy, by the way.
The capacity for empathy varies by individual. Today we hear a phrase that’s reasonably new to our vernacular, emotional intelligence. Sometimes you’ll hear it referred as EQ. It’s our ability to know what we’re feeling, to distinguish it from other emotions and to our emotions to better inform our thinking. Our EQ can make it harder or easier to be empathetic. Clearly, the more connected we are with our own emotions, the greater it seems our capacity to feel for others. But it’s also about our connectivity with others, not just ourselves. People who are isolated and loners may be less likely to display empathy than those who are well connected socially.
Empathy might be about more than just the individual. Some researchers have found that empathy depends on “what others are willing or able to tell about themselves.” In other words, the person for whom we feel empathy is as important as we are, the person feeling empathy.
In a study of Dutch school children, they found that kids were more empathetic when reminded by a teacher to “be a good classmate,” but that empathy declined when it came to choosing sides for a game. Friends who were chosen last and were upset about it were comforted; mere classmates who felt this way were labeled “crybabies.” Social convention and contexts play a role in how empathic a person is in a given situation, regardless of the individual capacity for empathy.
Hopefully, that provides you with a bit of insight and more food for thought about empathy. I confess it’s a deep subject filled with nuances that I don’t claim to fully understand. Truth is, I’m just knowledgeable enough to be dangerous about how it works, but I’m plenty smart enough to know the power of empathy. And I’m a lifelong practitioner.
Just here let me interject a thought or two about something that’s congruent with empathy. Observation. Presence.
By observation, I mean paying attention. Noticing things. Noticing people. I used to think this was universal. I’ve learned it’s not. And yes, I’m empathetic to people who don’t easily and naturally notice things. I’ve no idea how to help anybody improve it necessarily, but I’m thankful it’s not hard for me.
I grew up hearing about elite athletes who had various physical skills. The one skill I envied most was speed. I was quick, but I was never fast. I’m built more for comfort. 😉
The kids who could run fast fascinated me. How could they do that? I had no idea. My feet and legs just couldn’t do it.
At some point, I heard TV commentators or somebody talk about a professional athletes vision. They didn’t mean the athlete needed no glasses. They mean the player could see things others couldn’t, or could see them more quickly. I grew up hearing it applied mostly to football running backs and quarterbacks. Well, I knew I had that because I knew I was a noticer. I didn’t think about it. It was just some auto-pilot thing that I never thought about really.
Later in life, in business, it became very clear that it was one of the very limited super powers I had. My retailing career started early and ended about a decade ago. Largely, my success in retailing was because I noticed things. Every little thing.
Every day I go to a local gym. It’s a national chain and it’s a large complex. This particular chain seems to enjoy moving managers around frequently. I’ve never known a manager to be in one place for more than months. This is important because I’m always curious to see what changes if any, the new replacement will make. FYI, they rarely do anything different than the last, as least as far as I can tell. But I’m just a customer, so what do I know?
Turns out. Quite a lot. For example, I’m a clean freak when it comes to a retail experience. That includes shops, restaurants, and my gym. This gym has an outside cleaning crew that comes frequently. They move the dirt around pretty well. They don’t clean much, but they approach their work with all the vigor of 15-year-old hound dog on a hot Texas summer day. At least weekly (likely much more often), I think of about what I’d do in the first hour if I were to run the place! I’d pull an all-hands-on-deck cleaning jamboree. I’m daily amazed at how little attention is paid to things that I don’t deem “details,” but things that are just basic, good business. Lately, my pet peeve is the hand sanitizer dispensers being empty. Or the paper towel dispensers being empty. Inexcusable. But that’s the noticer and the business guy in me. I can’t help it. Well, maybe I could, but I don’t want to.
Presence isn’t just being in a particular place. You may prefer words like focus or concentration. Or the phrase, paying attention. Once again, my lifelong profession of being an operator, a retailer, proves the point. Constantly I would preach and train employees to be present with each shopper. Have you ever gone up to a counter of a store, or walked into a store and been ignored? The person behind the counter isn’t helping another customer. They’re just indifferent to the fact that you’re standing there. They’re not present. That lack of presence hacks you off (it should). Again, inexcusable.
Let me pick on my gym again. You walk in, go up to the counter and type your phone number into a keypad, then put your finger on a little reader that identifies you are who you say you are. Some days – in fact, most days – there’s a friendly person who greets me. But the funny thing is when the manager and her apparent right-hand person are behind the counter, they’re engaged in conversation and they never look up at me. It’s fine. But I think about that leadership – or lack of – and wonder how long it may be before I have to find another location to visit. Of course, I’ve only been a customer for 15 years or so, so what do I matter, right?
Hopefully, you can see how these two things are congruent with empathy – observation and presence. If I’m like the manager of my gym, busy with whatever I’m busy with and immune to notice a client 3 feet away, then how empathetic am I liable to be? Not very! And if I can’t or won’t notice the client 3 feet away then how can I possibly be present with and for them? In my mind, I’ve fired this manager more times than I can count. She may be spectacular at filling out reports back to corporate. I suspect she’s really good at the stuff corporate cares about. She just sucks at observation and presence. I’m betting she lacks empathy, too. 😀
Okay, let me pull back the curtain in case you didn’t fully understand my snarkiness there. Truth is, I’m empathetic toward the manager of my gym. This woman is a mature 40-ish lady who I’m sure has competencies important to her role. But my business acumen and my empathy make me aware that she’s following leadership at the corporate level who likely measure and care about some things, while thinking other things – the stuff I’ve pointed out – aren’t quite so urgent. That’s fine, of course. They can be wrong. Because I know I’m right! 😉
I see her in her office on her computer. Quite often. Sometimes the door is closed and it’s evident she’s on her phone. I’ve been a customer for long enough to have seen this movie before. She’s on the phone with management. She’s completing reports. She’s doing what corporate wants. And in a few months, when her replacement arrives, they’ll do exactly what she’s doing. They always do. Nothing will change so far as my experience as a customer. The machine will just keep on rolling until something drastic causes leadership to implement a change. I’m always (and easily) empathetic with folks who are carrying the water of leadership, even if leadership can’t find their way out of a wet paper bag.
It’s illustrative of why empathy may be dying. Lack of understanding. Lack of tolerance for others. And I’m not talking about tolerating bad behavior or foolishness. I’m talking tolerating a gym manager who has to please a boss who may have skewed priorities. It’d be easy for me to hacked. Given my business background, I likely am more frustrated by this than the average gym member. Mostly, I feel badly for the company because I know things – their performance – could be so much better! Nothing is stopping them from being better except their own willingness to commit to it. But it’s their company and they can run it as they see fit. And that introduces another part of this that I think about…judgment.
Now before you go off thinking judgment is a bad thing consider driving your car to work. How do you determine the route you’ll take? How do you approach an intersection where the light turns yellow? What about your approach at a 4-way stop? When do you decide to get gas in your car? Do you wait until the light comes on? These are all judgments you make. You assess what’s going on and figure out how you’ll react. That’s necessary judgment.
I notice, or judge that my gym has some issues that could be easily fixed, but they’re unimportant to management. What I don’t do – again, this comes naturally easy to me – is infer that this is being done simply to make my life miserable. I don’t harshly judge the gym manager as inept. I rather doubt she is. She could easily satisfy corporate AND be a great noticer who creates a remarkable facility. And she’d likely stand out from her peers. But she’d have to deploy greater effort and concentration. She’d have to notice things she’s not necessarily rewarded by corporate to notice. She’d have to do things they clearly don’t reward. That means she’d have to be fully cooperative with corporate while being a contrarian at the same time. I realize that’s not easy. Doable, but not easy. I wish for her sake she’d find a way because I know it would make her top notch and remarkable.
I’m talking about the kind of judgment that disrupts empathy – the judging people do when others don’t do what they want them to do, or what they think they should do. That’s what happens we “should” people. “You should (fill in the blank with whatever we’d like people to do).”
Selfishness is the culprit. Roll it all up and that’s the enemy. Selfishness. We’re entirely too focused on ourselves. And what we want. Or what we think we need. As long you fit into that by giving me what I want, then I’m good. But the second you start to roll in a way not in keeping with what’s best for me, as I see it, then I’m hacked. And you’re a bad person! Me? Well, I’m a victim of your bad behavior, poor choices and unwillingness to do what I ask. So long, Empathy. It was good considering you briefly, but you’re in my way now!
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