Today I Learned (Nothing): Recent Episodes
Steve Shinney
Today I Learned (Nothing) is a show chronicling the days of two geeky dads who are just trying to reconcile their wives, their children, and their livelihoods with the pop culture-infused world they live in. Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/today-i-learned-nothing/support
Just a quick update on why there hasn't been any new shows on the feed lately.
Basically we've taken all the Today I Learned Nothing energy and moved it to a new show call Then You Ruined It. Check it out over at https://anchor.fm/jason-sigler.
I've also included a little sneak peek of what we get up to over there just in case you think we've changed.
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Our children don't understand that our favorite Twitch streamers were our friends that had the other gaming systems in our hometowns. Also, did Jason accidentally have a dom/sub situation set up with his best friend? Finally, screening your kid's favorite streamer for offensive content is a new level of hell they just added. Click Like and Subscribe!
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This has been a garbage fire of a year for a multitude of reasons, but we had a bit of fun talking about everything from Kramer/David Letterman/penis comparisons, coveting thy neighbor's sweet tech, culturally-insensitive Idahoan sumo clubs, and Steve's innate macho ax-throwing skills that no one cares about, to synchronized impersonations of subjugated, prehistoric animal species and talking to our pees pees about the birds and the bees. Join us for a laugh or two and wait for what has to be a better year later this week.
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Hearing the smacking of lips while someone is chewing will send Jason into such a rage that he could punch a child. He's not going to, but you understand that it describes the level of his anger, right? That makes sense? Also, Steve's kids aim each other like guns to unload a clip of flatulence onto him and we fear you might be next.
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Jason swears everyone has peed their pants at one point or another (outside of childhood, of course, where we were all just constant streams and sprays of urine). Steve purports to deny that claim, though his own evidence contradicts this position. Also, did you ever call them boosties? Didn't think so.
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The pandemic has us all making the best of a bad situation, including our kids. Steve's son has figured this pandemic schooling thing out, and lollipops are included. Jason's daughter, meanwhile, has too much integrity to make the grift worth it. Jason's just happy not to have to deal with his co-workers "wanting things." The rest of the episode is literally ya-yas and wee-wees.
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Have you ever sumo wrestled your friend for shotgun while riding to McDonald's with the gang? Steve did, and he files his report of this shrinking, little-known high school pastime. Also, Jason was, unsurprisingly, the waterboy for the football team, and witnessed first-hand just how that group solves conflicts within itself. Finally, the guys do a barrel roll while trying to talk about tragic headlines from the past.
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The disrespect of Steve's friends for the environment cost him a pie and his family is terrible at estimating their grocery needs when is cycling to fulfill them. These are two separate thoughts that sum up how much stress he is currently under. Also, Jason feels like filled donuts betrayed him, not unlike a Gusher.
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Some good wisdom from this episode: When trying to hook up your sister, don't mention how hot your mom is. When trying to break up a relationship so you can date someone ... don't. And when wrestling a girl, the heart of a true man will take the bump and earn the right to wear the crimson mask. We're just full of it in this episode.
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You have to ask yourself, what kind of monster do you want your kids playing in? Also, why are sophomores too good to go out the butt like everyone else? And Steve talks about his friend who missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because of intestinal issues. Finally, we wrap things up on an unfortunately timed Alex Trebek joke. No harm meant, and RIP to one of the most amazing game show hosts and human beings this world has ever known.
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The guys agree that late night TV has changed a lot in the last decade, but it also hasn't really changed at all. Then, the talk strays to whether or not Jason pees in the shower and, honestly, it's just a big toilet bowl after that.
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Let he who is without poop cast the first load. Steve is convinced that the loathsome white stuff that flies from a sky rat's butt is a sign of karma setting things right with a person. Jason asks was it karma or consequence? But really, they're both just full of it.
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We bask in the glory of Steve's Pile of Shame, including some standout Zelda titles. Also, find out why you shouldn't ever watch someone beat a game you might want to play. Finally, bond over gaming with someone you love ... and don't be surprised when your relationship is ruined.
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When it comes to defending your home, Steve recommends a good old fashioned pair of nunchucks. Jason opts to scare them with a ghostly, pale sight instead. Also, just what does graphite do in a baseball bat?
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Steve was excited to bond with his wife on their first date in months and she was dreading the thought. He was also super stoked about showing off his super questionable skills in axe throwing that his childhood neighbor, Davy Crockett, taught him. Finally, never forget, that his wife is always keeping score.
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Jason got a small taste of the pastor's life and the elusive stardom of a YouTube star in the same go and he wants MORE. Steve's kids agree that he and his wife are weird about their social media dreams and want better representation. And both guys look back at their early beginnings on the "make other people listen to your voice" world of podcasting.
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Steve tells of the greatest coin purse he ever owned, and why they make kangaroos cower in fear. Jason posits that frontier was so boring, people resorted to loving on the animals a bit too much. Together, the guys go on Amazon to check the price of kangaroo scrotum bags.
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Steve is sad to see summer go, but he's sending it off with one of his favorite pastimes: CRABBIN'. Learn why a pot is not necessarily a cage, why sexing a crab does not involve butter, and why peeing on yourself (or others), while hilarious, does nothing to alleviate the pain of a jellyfish sting.
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It's Labor Day weekend, so it's a perfect time for a clip show! Steve is insistent about not visiting a back-alley porn room and he recalls the war between the bloods and the crips in the woods of Idaho, while Jason lashes out like a toddler because he has too much stuff and reminds Steve that he's actually quite dyslexic.
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Relationships with mothers-in-law can be tricky, but especially when they inexplicably cry about corn, as Steve found out. And while Steve has grown and matured since getting married and having kids, Jason appears to be regressing and will soon by a fetus once again.
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Steve does it for the Gram and sees no problem with that. Jason sucks at taking pictures and his wife will make sure you know it before he can ruin your precious moments. Together, both guys adore the familial cowboys and prostitutes of old west family photography.
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Jason's daughter loves to stall at bedtime with a good old-fashioned stumper, but this one takes the cake, and Steve just wants to hang out with the rabbits that want nothing to do with him. And finally, what do you think a private party would be to a child?
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If you want to learn a new skill, DO IT. Don't let Jason, who can only play guitar with his mouth and gave up on piano lessons after a few weeks or Steve, who hasn't played since his days in the Outback and even then could only rock out one Garth Brooks ballad, convince you otherwise.
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After talking about fun games to play with your family ('s bodies in quarantine), Jason talks about showing inappropriate movies at the Walmart electronics section and relays the horrors he saw working as a janitor in a doctor's office.
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Steve's family has fun with the "F" word (yes, that one) and Jason dulled his artistic abilities to make Pictionary more fun. Finally, the guys talk about, then spoil, The Da Vinci Code in this, the year 2020.
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Jason is worried that his daughter isn't learning responsibility but Steve is concerned that Jason is a terrible father in the first place (serving lemonade at breakfast, the cad!). Steve's mother-in-law invites her jug band to wake up the family at 4 AM (in Jason's mind). Finally, get off your butt, stretch your quads, and KIP UP, you loser.
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Steve recalls second-hand sign-stealing events he definitely wasn't a part of, back when trucks were made of nothin' but ... TRUCK. He also implores Jason to get napalmic on the wasps terrorizing him as a youth while retrieving the mail. Finally, we must all stand in awe of Steve's dad, who once took out a fly while it was still in the air. Truly awe-inspiring.
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Steve, a self-proclaimed master mover, nearly crushed his friend's head with a washing machine, which Steve got mad about when the friend appeared to be injured for several seconds. Jason's best friend has turned bleeding during moving into a pastime, and a very uncomfortable one at that.
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Steve's pranking prowess was constantly held back by the dumb friend. Jason argues that he might have been the dumb friend all along. Also, Gwar is both cool and weird. Finally, trust kids when they give you a new name they want to be called, and have all the fun in the world sticking to that brand of weirdness.
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Jason is ... allergic (?) to something in certain ... kinds of ... meat? Maybe? But he's a MAN, so don't question him. And Steve guarantees he's the fun parent, and he's ALSO a man, so don't question him either, okay? Shout-out to all the daddies out there, lying to keep their status in the family.
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Puberty is tough, especially when you're a late bloomer AND on the basketball team. But what about blooming too much, turning you into a 'Squatch-like? Also, watch that video they show you before middle school, we cannot stress that enough.
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After Jason shares some BREAKING NEWS about a Stormy Daniels comic series, we learn about his father, whose heart was broken by a tornado what took his true love away decades ago. That's the story Steve has concocted, anyways. The guys also agree that smart storms are better than shark tornadoes and after they start making fun of the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister, they realize they really, really love the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister.
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Jason tells Steve about his aversion to costume makeup and why he can never eat in its presence. Steve, once he stops laughing and ridiculing this debilitating disorder, agrees to help him learn more about his unfortunate lot in life. Also, eyes up here, because it's time for daddy's dinner.
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Sure, it's the days of the quarantine and we're all stuck indoors together ... but do you knowwhere the children are? Or the family robots? Just something to think about. Also, Steve tells Jason about the talking robot in the Rocky movies, so he has to watch them all immediately. Finally, what would robot farts smell like?
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Steve and his friends were always ready for Goonies-like adventure to strike, putting them in a perfect position to capitalize on the war between the Bloods and the Crips in the woods of rural Idaho. Also, have you ever been as content as a kid in a hole with plywood over his head? Jason believes that yes, he has.
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Jason explains to Steve why he should be playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. He then decides to never playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
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Steve and his roommate jokingly divided their apartment up until the joke was just on them. Jason shared a bed with his brother until he was old enough to carry his weird sleeping habits to his own room. Together, the guys agree to never speak about Skinwalker Ranch and the dangers the dark presents ever again.
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Have you ever been sad on a trampoline? No, because it's impossible, even if your friend just murdered the family of squirrels you'd lovingly named and geneologized. Also, should we only ever deliver bad news while bouncing to and fro? Steve files his report. Also, local children are snorting Pixie Stix and Fun Dip to get their kicks. Jason has that hard-hitting look at rural American children and the stupid things they do out of boredom. Today I Learned Nothing is on the air!
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It's week 6 (7? 8?) of the quarantine and Steve is nearly weeping into cheeseburgers, so yeah, things are going pretty well. Jason's getting takeout via drug mule restrictions and ok, hot shot, can YOU name any other famous Whos?
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Jason recounts the night he thought he came close to accidentally arranging an orgy at his apartment (he didn't). Bored on a New Year's Eve, five people found one another, and discovered that their friend was a much bigger creep than he let on. Steve enjoys playing the Kenickie to Jason's Danny in this one, but also posits that there is more going on in the woods of a small town in America than you realized.
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Does the most popular type of pepper look more like a bell or a (couple of) butt(s)? Do you use all the spices in YOUR arsenal? And don't the Oreo folks need to just calm the heck down with all the different versions?
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Surprising no one but Jason, the only disappointment Jason has faced in the COVID-19 pandemic is thanks to Taco Bell. Meanwhile, Steve thinks the people of Seattle are just using the virus as an excuse to be mean to each other. Also, have teens in YOUR area been licking mailboxes? The guys file their report.
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It's the all-porn episode, and it contains not a single ounce of the filthy stuff! But doesn't the word "whores" sound filthy, no matter how you say it? And Jason wants to meet at least one diehard porn fan to see what they're really like. Steve just wants you to stop using your kids and pets as avatars.
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Practice some social distancing with this episode all about ... THE VIRUS! Steve's been following it long before it was cool, and Jason can't figure out why it makes his wife wanna buy so much danged peanut butter. After the guys move on from current events, they finally nail down which Looney Tune was the worst person.
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Jason is thrilled that his 2nd grader told him a dirty joke, even if she didn't know any better and it made no sense. Steve assumes that secretions are happening, just, all the time, and it's time to change the sheets. But really, the guys are both just hoping for some quality naked time. Separately. Apart. Not together.
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Steve's dyslexia earns him a new, lame nickname, the guys lament the fact that Cheetohs could mean any podcast is their last one, and Jason wants to replace those cheesy slideshows at funeral homes with a playlist of his "best" podcast moments. All that, plus Steve's baller grandmother living well and wealthy past her death day!
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This episode is basically a BuzzFeed quiz about The Flintstones! Who's more likely to display a mental disability: Fred or Barney? Who's hotter: Wilma or Betty? Did the Flintstones go to church? Why didn't the dinosaurs rise up from their appliance-based existence and eat the cave men and women? The guys answer all these questions and Jason makes us uncomfortable about our favorite cave folk from Bedrock!
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Steve is rash and hasty with his hypothetical questions, but Jason humors him and reveals some scandalous opinions about mermaids in the process. Also, are bus marshals a thing? And since the ones on airplanes are called air marshals, would bus ones be land marshals? The guys file their report.
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It's February, so love is in the air! Steve fondly remembers his potato and pun-fueled proposals as a young boy coming of age in Idaho while Jason recalls when he learned what the word "statutory" means.
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Steve threatens a good fingering for his whole work group, while both he and Jason agree that the NSFW tag exists for a reason. Also, just what's going through Jason's brain in most moments of the day? Nothing good, we assure you!
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Watching Jason declutter and basically just vomit most of his belongings on the conveyor belt at the airport is like watching a terrible, reverse magic trick. Meanwhile, being without his children on a trip allowed Steve to enjoy Adam Sandler again for the first time in a decade. Finally, cities sure have some dumb names, amirite?
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Jason's daughter owns him with a combination of well-timed farts and unusually strong will. Steve lived the childhood of a human tackling dummy and he ... loved it?
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Steve is raising his kids right on a steady diet of parental care and Mario Kart. It's driving Jason up a wall, and not in the Mario Kart 8 way. Also, stop trying to bridge the generation gap, it's fine just where it is.
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Clam up and have a listen to the best TILN discussions of the last decade! Even though it's double the usual length (a whole half-hour!), we still value your time and we've included only the best bits, like Jason's unnecessary keychain size, clams in the sun, literal and figurative holes, creeping on imaginary underaged teens, bodies as temples, Idaho factoids, and MORE!
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The penultimate episode of the decade dances with the one that brought us, as Steve has more bathroom thoughts. Ever seen one-way glass in a bathroom stall? How about trough-style urinals that match the sinks? After those oddities, Jason knows when you're pooping, and it's okay.
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It's time to kick back, pour some 'nog, light the fire, and enjoy Steve's misfortunes and misadventures from China. Learn second-hand why you should strive to learn "butthole, itchy, and no I don't want to see your porn room" before you journey east.
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Inspired by Ryan Estrada's Ryan Made Mistakes, Jason and Steve recount their own personal experiences with romance on and across the Internet. Listen as Steve recounts his solo sojourn to the ladies unmentionables section and hear Jason swear up and down his "friend" met his Internet girlfriend IRL and OMG it had him ROTFLHAO.
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Steve visited the East Coast for a few days so now HE'S WALKIN' 'ERE or something. He also perfected his accents of the various Northeastern denizens he encountered and yes, it is a must listen. Jason cries with laughter and continues eating in the background, just enjoying every moment of it.
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It must be the holidays, because Steve found new dance that will probably get him fired at the company party! Also, both of the guys are content knowing their unread library of classic literature is enough to earn their children's love and admiration. Just don't ever ask Jason what Animal Farm is really about.
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Is there a better mantra than your favorite ice cream? Steve's daughter doesn't think so. Also, Jason would appreciate it if you'd stop cramming warm fruits into his desserts (you MONSTERS). Finally, the guys discuss the aromas that our feminine and masculine neighbors might leave in their wake and why one is unquestionably more pleasant than the other.
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Jason and Steve compare terrible past choices in music preference. Who owned R. Kelly's "Gotham City?" Who bought CDs because the artist was hot? And who thinks Metallica's Load is a good album?
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Did you know that swingers attend wrestling shows to look for potential, beautiful people to swing (?) with? Also, one of the guys has a celebrity crush with a more local lookalike that is ... confusing. Finally, the other of the guys was in a group called the Mighty Mighty Monotones in high school. No matter which is which, they both lose!
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See how angry and/or sad daddy is? Now, don't be like daddy. Ok? Also, they tell you not to stand up on the bus, but if you're not terrible about it, you can totally stand up on the bus. Finally, Jason thinks his crippling motion sickness makes him a prime candidate to stay the heck away from double decker buses.
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It's McRib Season® and that gives us the perfect reason to discuss passing down our ravenous pig-like fast food habits to our children. Steve and his son go on a fun chicken excursion together while Jason implicates his son and daughter in his latest food crimes. JUST DON'T TELL MOM
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Fellas, listen. Marketing BS aside, all women like flowers. It's just true. Also, Jason is playing with fire, having packages delivered to his vacation spots because it just feels so dang good. Listen as he chases the next high! Finally, Steve refuses to wear leggings, even though Jason rightfully points out that doing so will somehow make him less creepy.
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Jason and Steve refused to share this post and now, the algorithms are coming for them. Share this episode with everyone you know if you care about the puppies and also the firefighters!
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Steve is the co-worker you always wanted, willing to forgo a working space and instead agreeing to use the window as his chair. Hear his adventures as he braves temperature fluctuations, genital humidity, and harassment from the paparazzi.
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We learn Steve's convoluted path to a Nintendo Switch which involves unpaid land ownership and awkward family relationships. Also, today, you will face the greatest dilemma ever known to man. There are no right answers. You must live with the consequences. Good luck.
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We've all misunderstood lyrics before, but it's singing them for other people that can truly bring the proper shame to light. Also, sports allegiances are real and powerful. Now stop singing that Red Sox s*** and listen to this episode!
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Steve hangs with his family and it gets weird almost immediately, involving Chinese dating shows and rock-hard, chi-harnessing, electrified abs.
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Jason tries to think of the dental hygienist when he prepares for the dentist (mints, blowing his nose, the whole nine yards). Steve has tasted his own flesh as it burned in his mouth. It's time for Dental Horror Stories!!!
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Take it from Jason, don't buy (too many) toys when you're old enough to manage your own money. And take it from Steve, don't question the accuracy of a Barbie's anatomy. Things just unravel from there.
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Steve is a crabber now. He gets crabs and he gets them so his wife can eat their delicious meat. He also enjoys the process of getting them: the kayaking, the camaraderie, the tasty meat itself. Jason can't relate to any of this and makes fun of it all.
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This week we learn some of Steve's deepest darkest secrets. He is woefully unprepared for a fire and he has been ripping off Netflix original series for his own attempts at literary fame.
In other news, Jason is totally ready for an earthquake. Assuming he's wearing the right shoes when it happens.
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Steve's son wants to podcast with the big boys, neither he nor Jason want to think about how old they are (but their kids do), and Taco Bell has now been introduced to the children's diet. There is no hope beyond this.
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Jason tells the tale of a tumultuous tram ride, a tragedy with a happy ending, and another, separate incident that proves his frailness and squeamishness. It's got deadly circumstances, missed opportunities, and a man accepting his shortcomings for the benefit of those in peril.
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Steve swims with the sharks and gleefully, villainously forces his children to join him and Jason looks forward to his first trip to Dollywood, where you make your own fun (probably). Also, Steve took his wife and her mother to Vegas for fun.
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Jason and Steve teach others how to write stories, avoiding the tropes and pitfalls that their own pitiful attempts have suffered. Steve imaginarily creeps out the non-existent teens in his neighborhood (not real, cannot stress that enough) and Jason contemplates leaving his lying wife.
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For today's Idaho fun fact, did you know that sometimes goats are raised not for their hair, meat, or milk, but their blood? After Jason digests that tasty tidbit, it's time for Steve to delve into more of Jason's food crimes, such as never eating cereal with milk, steering clear of Grape-Nuts based on the name alone, and swearing off raisins based solely on their texture. Of course, Steve digs himself some coagulated pig's blood, so ignore anything he says.
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In this episode, the guys discuss the evil nature of dimmer switches, fun house tricks like secret passageways that may lead to hidden deaths or surprise coitus discoveries, and the excitement of a murder mystery, even if the victim is (was) someone you know (knew) and love (loved). Also, Steve has a surprise about the bed his grandparents own!
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Steve has spent some time officiating his son's little league games and boy does he have some stories! Hear about ump-punishing fart techniques, why Jason's outfield antics were between him and his God, how long you can leave a hurt child lying on a field before action is necessary, and why Steve probably won't be asked to do another season. Batter up!
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In obtaining his first artisanally-crafted mattress, Jason can now teach Steve that they shouldn't have divots or slots for your body and that sleeping on the floor is, indeed, probably bad for your back. However, the height of the new mattress leaves Jason perplexed about certain ... activities. Meanwhile, Steve can teach Jason how to be an unwitting creep on the bus, so creepy even the homeless guy gets more friends than you! What a feat!
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Jason failed to gird his loins for his latest haircut and Steve refuses to go enchilada-style on anything. BONUS: Kranch into some archival audio from Jason's first Sexy Sport Clips Adventure!
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Steve and Jason get personal, and talk about those special lies we tell our children to make our wives happy. Or the wives we make our wives tell. Your mileage may vary.
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Summer is nearly here, so it's time for another highlight reel! In this episode, Steve and his non-doctor roommates take turns diagnosing each other, drizzling is a dirty word, why poop should always be as far away as possible, Steve's forced childhood love for Elvira, being welcomed to Tex-Mex in the best way, and teaching our machines to let us curse how we want, when we want.
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A curious Jason delves into his bookshelves and finds a hidden treasure that he wants to share with everyone. Steve lies so often to his family, his daughter has picked up on it. Has the student become the master?
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Ants ... ants can change a man. You've never faced death until you've fought the little buggers for control of your house. Also, Jason sent Steve a package to show how much he means to him, and for his birthday, no less! Finally, Steve sees everything on the bustling streets of Seattle. I mean, EVERYTHING.
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It's the first big milestone for this podcast and to celebrate, Steve thinks you should listen to episode 13 and learn to loathe Jason just a little bit like the rest of us. Also, in Seattle, the sun's out, so guns or buns need to be out, make your choice. Steve also thinks jamming should be related to clams, but Jason nips that one in the bud. Finally, are biscuits and gravy just breakfast nachos? The guys get to the bottom of this classic conundrum.
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Jason went on a quest to hurt his body as much as possible and files his report on the fallout. Steve has thoughts about key rings and doesn't like anything that Jason has going on with his. It's an episode all about giving Steve a headache, Jason's favorite (unintentional) pastime!
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Steve met his guardian angel as he waited for the most fateful burger order of his life. Also, sure, Topher's a thing, but have you ever met a Shua? Finally, Siggdawg and Shindogg prepare to launch their afternoon drivetime show, but are sidelined when Steve decides he wants to learn an instrument.
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Steve took Jason's love of Carly Rae Jepsen to heart and gave her music a chance. Turns out he liked the heavy metal covers better, but hey, progress. The guys also realize you don't have to fear a midlife crisis if you never grow up and Steve uses his wife's absence to up the testosterone in his son's life.
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Jason fears being 1%-adjacent, but probably is already anyways
- Money will always divide us, but Jason will gladly accept it just the same
Steve's mother-in-law weaponized his son's discomfort at petty fights in the family based on money qualms to make sure she always wins
Jason teaches his wife how to spit then teaches Steve how to love pop music again.
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Don't let Jason know when you're working on a puzzle, he's a puzzle crasher. Don't visit Steve at work, he's a productivity wrecker of the smelliest kind. And whatever you do, don't cook noodles around Steve's daughter. She's a real bloodhound!
The episode title comes from this clip from Major League II, one of the funniest scenes in all of cinema.
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Do birds have enough moral code to not crap on one another? Can a bird fly such a tight loop that it poops on itself? Science demands answers! Also, Jason defends against feline attacks with an umbrella, Penguin-style. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
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Jason reports back on the decadent danger of the Steak Rattlesnake Fries (which include neither steaks nor rattlesnakes), Steve draws his life force from the sinewy meats he so craves, and together, the guys try to come up with the ultimate way to eat a cupcake.
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Steve's writing a kid's book, and it has his son questioning the difficulty of drawing various body parts (we're talkin' butts, mostly). Jason broke a sacred covenant with his wife, and there's no putting that genie back in the bottle. Also, both their daughters are learning the etiquette of public flatulence, a subject both guys have much wisdom about.
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Jason tells his tale of a late-evening trip to Taco Bell, the restaurant that is open, even late (though they clearly don't want to be) (and why are you still here, go away). Steve likes the sauce packets they offer, especially the funny little asides they print on them. Also, Ken Jeong's name sounds unfortunately close to another well-known ... let's say celebrity, and it makes for an awkward moment.
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Steve finds himself to be an expert on sea mammals all of a sudden and attempts to inform Jason as to their sexual proclivities and methods. It's ... weird.
Jason broke his family's heart with his desire to do anything but fix toilets and design HVAC systems, and he's totally fine with that.
Together, the guys plan their mecca-esque trip to the Hidden Valley Ranch while quickly writing an inspirational kid's movie, The Kid Who Hated Balls.
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Steve is on WeChat ... are you? If you're looking for jobs (or jobs) in China, there's a good chance you are! Please follow me for opportunities and possible nip slips. Also, the guys explore the concept of a storage limit to the spank bank.
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Steve's son is working his butt off on the court for praise and success, while his daughter is just doing what comes naturally with hers. Jason's family is doing well, but his daughter keeps making friends with people that convince him otherwise. However, he does pretty good impressions, so it all evens out in the end.
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Jason thinks he's being tortured by Freddy Krueger in his sleep, but his version only cares about papercuts and general malaise. Good thing Steve fought his fears in Mortal Kombat against the evil demon, so he can help! Also, when disappointment doesn't work on your kids, what do you turn to? Finally, a Flutterfairies superpower update!
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Let it be known that the Shinney family only crawls on a bathroom floor to do good deeds. That's a thing, right? Also, are the floors of the bathrooms in churches cleaner than others? We file our report. And Steve practices pee tricks with his son. Will that ever pay off? Finally, "there's a world out there that probably won't kill you" doesn't work for Jason. Go forth and pee and poop in caves no longer!
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Your automated reminder friends are failing us all the time, but they do it in humorous, cute ways, so it's fine. Steve is kind to his robots so they'll remember and repay the kindness when the uprising comes. Together, the guys celebrate Steve's post-weight loss boner. No, not that one. Yes, that one.
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We're seeing this garbage fire of a year off with a suitably stanky and flaming pile of our own! Hear some of our favorite discussions of the past year as we prepare to question even more of our daily existence in the new year.
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Jason likes to get naked, so it was a matter of time before one of his children was subjected to incidental nudity. Don't worry, he was shamed accordingly. After talking about how the urologist told him his son's junk will someday be "out there", Steve feels left out and talks about his. Don't worry, he doesn't last long.
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Steve gets locked out of his bathroom, but his stanky BMs get him out of the jam. Meanwhile, Jason would rather Freaky Friday himself than talk about time travel, but it gets weird when specific FF targets come up. Real ... weird.
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Jason's daughter is moving the wrong way in her entertainment choices, leaving him to worry about her mental state. Meanwhile, Steve's daughter is so advanced she's created a fantasy property, one her father is wistfully no longer a part of. Jason loves this.
- Jason's daughter has moved on from toy opening videos to preschool-focused mobile game-playing walkthroughs ---- It's part of his ongoing battle to make her watch something new, just ... anything
- Steve is left out of his daughter's fictional canon because he goes to work ---- "I gave your power to someone I can count on to be around" - Steve's daughter, probably ---- "Retired on Flutterfairy money at 45"
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Jason finally got his windshield replaced, and found the tech who came out to do the work to be ... TOO professional? And Steve has witnessed the dangers of standing on the hood of a car with your pants down.
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In his annual ritual to have even one McRib, Jason accidentally stole a couple. Don't worry, we doubt he's wanted by anyone. For anything. Also, Steve thinks denying his son food while at live events is helping him in the long run. He's clearly forgotten about the contract we, as fathers, sign when kids are old enough to love the pure garbage we fill our human waste cans with.
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Steve's son wants a family costume and is thwarted only by his sister's non-compliance and his mom's ... jacket. Jason recalls his homemade costumes and the very real struggles that he went through to make them a success. Together, the guys agree that Steve looked nothing like Blanka.
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Steve nearly dies at the hands of a freak-gawking driver, bringing to mind his thoughts of ... himself. Jason fondly remembers his childhood putdowns, and comes up with some inventive new ones.
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This Stevetember, an alarming number of tornadoes and storms are coming, but Weather Safety Jason has your First Alert Action alert! Also, we've forecasted a new phone on the horizon, which has brought back one of our favorite characters: the Tech A**hole! Marvel at his ability to get what he wants, when he wants, and tremble in fear as he hopes to turn you to his dark ways next!
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It's an episode dedicated to that bovine-produced delicacy: cheese! What cheese does the Shinney household favor (hint: aim low)? Why are they so afraid of the sharp cheddar? What variety was Jason's childhood favorite (again, aim low)? And what is the most important aspect of a grilled cheese sandwich to consider? Get over your lactose intolerance and learn these answers and more!
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Steve's son has touched SO many butts (but has also touched zero butts). Do YOU understand math? Well, DO YOU? Then stop judging and get to bragging!
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Steve has forgotten the things he never knew were forgotten in the first place, including keeping his underwear straight. Jason pinned something there and he has no idea where it went. It's a miracle this podcast got posted, honestly.
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Ever been to firefighter prom? Or any prom, period? Did you enjoy it? Well Jason didn't, and Steve and his many high school friends can't understand why. He also accidentally made Luau Wednesdays a thing while Jason stayed quiet in his studies, spawning many rumors about his ... lonely habits.
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When in need of a conversation starter, might we suggest Bing, where you can find things like a family being harassed by a persnickety lizard? Once the guys are off the on-ramp, it's time to talk about dick pics! Who wants them? Who needs them? Should you show them off? The discussion offers no guidance but does give both guys some footing on this relatively new topic. (Also, the answer is always no one, pervert.)
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Steve thinks living near bears is advantageous to his children learning safety about the fearsome beast, plus, it would just be cool. Jason builds things with allen wrenches and he's damn proud of it. Together, the guys agree that swans and geese are just the worst.
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Something is eating away at Jason's studio chair. Steve suspects Gremlins. Jason investigates. Also, shoes and chairs stand as primary examples of items you should always buy in person. Finally, is Steve's wife a ghost? We file our report.
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Jason always got out of trouble thanks to his bigshot dad in their hometown. Steve doesn't recognize his crimes and got into a bit of TP-ing trouble of his own. Together, the guys are just happy to be alive.
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It's time for Steve and his family to move, but this time, there's a twist: there might be spectral developments! As Steve ponders whether the ghost might be friendly and/or full of unfinished tasks/clerical duties, Jason begins his screenplay about a ghost realtor. Because who better to find the bodies in realty than the dead themselves?
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Jason's wife is lovingly nursing their sweet, precious baby son, and all he can think about is how lucky the boy is to have unfettered, daily access to something he's taken for granted. Someday, this will change, but for now, he and Steve look back fondly and find themselves thankful for the mammaries.
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This week, we don't learn anything about sports! That's right, we talk about it nearly twice a year, so it's a can't miss episode! Jason hits golf balls backwards, defying physics; Steve loves the simplicity of sumo; and together, the guys talk about baseball because it's a sport that's easy to get. Give me The Rock!
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Steve enjoys time to himself but also worries his laziness might be mistaken for bigotry. Jason avoids trying new things because the parking sucks. And together, the guys derive a new sci-fi future wherein fart vapes are the energy that run things.
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Wow, is family bowling always a terrible experience or what? Fighting! Noise! Boredom! It's all there! Also, no one cares that you consider yourself to be a pro and blowing your hands dry does not keep the finger sweat from the last twenty users of that ball off your greasy chili fries. Now lace up and have a great time!
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Jason is in no mood for porta-potties, despite his family's pleas. It's like someone is playing the Sims and is getting tired of his bathroom hangups. Steve reminds us to go through with the full character creator and don't rely on the system defaults. Somehow, this all ties together in the end.
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If you don't like talk about bugs, critters, and all things creepy crawly, this episode might not be for you. Jason put his new dad bod through Taco Bell hell, all before taking the food fight to the lice infesting his daughter's head. Not to be outdone, Steve talks about his own battles with bedbugs and the guys go on a business naming tear to wrap things up.
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As Steve and Jason strive to get back to a normal schedule (Jason's got a new kid and Steve might be moving soon), we present to you a clip show (of sorts). It's got hot tub takeovers, zipper mishaps, personal fridge courtesies, Utah's lacking porn standards, and fun bathroom strangers, all great examples of what you can expect from this random podcast.
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Steve brings us another Bing story to remember, this time about fajita smuggling and the lives it has ruined (not a non-zero amount, BTW). In so doing, he also discovers that Jason isn't a fan of the tasty, Tex-Mex treat, and simply can't deal with that knowledge. The guys also discuss the concept of being fajita rich and just how much work is involved in enjoying this enjoyable but inefficient dish.
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TILN is heading back to the arena for more sports talk! Did you know that Portland sucks (apparently)? Seattle does (apparently) and they'll tell you 24/7. Also, the Kansas City Chiefs' fans really know how to extract the murder from a song. Finally, fear not, nerds, because your sports poster may still be well received, hashtag required or not!
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Steve's son is on YouTube and is searching for everything from opinions on his poopy sister and questionable children's music videos. Jason doesn't understand a word of what Steve is saying. Together, they both agree to give up on making YouTube for kids.
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Some old Jewish men Steve encountered in Australia made him think about the marketability of circumcision. Jason learned most of what he knows on the subject from Mel Brooks and Robin Williams films. And together, the guys craft the next big Weird Al hit.
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Bathroom behavior and etiquette can be difficult to teach, especially when your own standards are found lacking. Pee wherever you want? Flush if it feels right? These are the morals that are eroding in our great nation today and Steve and Jason are doing nothing to help that. (Originally posted: March 2, 2018)
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Ever consider cloning yourself? Steve’s son wants more of his dad, but his reasons aren’t exactly loving and tender. Meanwhile, Jason’s pulling all his knowledge on the subject from Multiplicity and The Prestige, so the conversation takes a turn for the zany and macabre. Finally, Steve’s wife has been watching the Island and has some ideas of her own. (Originally posted: February 23, 2018)
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While Steve talks about digestive issues at Disneyland, Jason uses his pain to develop his screenplay for a Hangover x Disney movie. It’s one of the best story ideas ever conceived, so don’t steal it. (Originally posted: February 16, 2018)
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Jason is here with his take on three food adventures he and his stomach recently went on. Hear the banal terror that is Super Mario Cereal! Bask in the Mexican-spiced goodness that is Taco Bell’s Nacho Fries! And fear the undercooked breaded nightmare of Lidl’s Chicken Wings! Also, Steve is here to make fun of him the whole time. (Originally posted: February 9, 2018)
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Steve’s daughter has discerning, but still lax, bathroom standards. Also, he flew with some booze-fueled football fans and it’s not an experience he wants to repeat anytime soon. Meanwhile, Jason thinks he flew with a celebrity, but it’s possible it was all in the guy’s mind. Finally, in-flight movie recommendations! (The less nudity, the better.) (Originally posted: February 2, 2018)
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Steve takes a chance and risks losing it all for his son’s homeless man-fueled ping pong dreams, Jason remains hung-up on fast food, and both guys need to get the heck out of here before the soap operas start. (Originally posted: January 26, 2018)
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Steve teaches us that, when you’re stuck in a fence, your tears become stronger than you realize. Jason just wants to nap, but it’s the daytime and that will break his brain. And together, the guys debate the cleanliness of your bath water (hint: it depends on where it’s been). (Originally posted: January 19, 2018)
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Memory is tied to our senses in ways the guys don’t understand. Jason jumps between the soundtracks for Beverly Hills Cop and The Bodyguard when it comes to dictating his childhood. Steve finds Washington state to be EXTREMELY dank, but his need for Chinese food when Enrique Iglesias is belting out tunes means maybe we can’t trust him. (Originally posted: January 12, 2018)
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Jason recalls the hell of learning to type on a computer keyboard, Steve has dealt with many questionable healthcare providers in the past, and together the guys find out how NOT to diagnose a stomach problem. (Originally posted: January 5, 2018)
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Jason’s mouthbreather ways are passed down from generation to generation, Steve finds a teaching moment in his smelly, sweaty ways, and both guys contemplate the awesome idiocy of wearable tech. Also, a shark is jumped when Steve believes the Digital Strips history has all been a lie. (Originally posted: November 17, 2017)
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Jason gives a great reason why you should never share a Google Doc with him, Steve is blind to the differences between typefaces, and together the guys find a common ground in a post-font society. (Originally posted: October 27, 2017)
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Steve was invited to a beach BBQ and found a hot woman in attendance that changed his entire outlook on his life. Jason has no work wives, but work husbands abound. And together, these co-hosts of hundreds of episodes finally decide they can be buddies. (Originally posted: October 13, 2017)
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Ever work in food service? Ever work in food service for a matter of minutes? On accident? Then does Steve have a story for you! Also, is Subway just another way to say you’ve given up with respect to your food choices? Finally, IT’S HAMBURGER DAY and we’re having sweet onion EVERYTHING! (Originally posted: October 6, 2017)
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Ever meet a man who shows off his colostomy bag in a public restroom? Steve and his son did, and lived to tell the tale! Also, Jason learns about kybos and yurts while reiterating his loathing for all portable pooping possibilities. (Originally posted: September 22, 2017)
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How hot has Seattle been? So hot that children are fighting on futons! So hot that it’s more like Utah hot. It’s got Steve in his perpetual state of percolating rage. Jason, meanwhile, has issues with dropping chocolate on his office chair (yes, it’s chocolate) and the magical clean-up that never takes place. Alien chairs? You be the judge! Also, why can’t you take Asians camping? The guys file their report. (Originally posted: September 8, 2017)
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Steve’s travel adventures continue! Meet his travelmates: Monopoly guy gone feral, sleeping lady in front of him, and bearded guy! Cower in fear at the man clutching his trash bag of fruit! Indulge in businessmen flying to avoid their spouses! Endure multiple viewings of Wild Hogs starring Home Improvement’s Tim Allen! (Originally posted: August 1, 2017)
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Steve spent some time at Shanghai Disneyland recently and it only served to remind him that youthful infatuation is the same around the world, Chinese T-shirts can be horrifically offensive, and tube tops are always a bad idea on roller coasters. Meanwhile, Jason has a T-shirt that sends mixed signals to Russians and Americans alike. (Originally posted: July 21, 2017)
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If someone doesn’t know what popping and locking is, how do you show them? Steve wants to know. If you play video games around your kids, how do you hide your competitive ugliness? Jason wants to know. And everyone wants to know the best creative curses to utilize when the children are around. (Originally posted: July 7, 2017)
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Steve assumes any lady wearing matching underwear is up to something, so Jason helps him crank that up to 11. Also, have you really given the Dan Aykroyd getting his weiner touched by a ghost scene in Ghostbusters enough thought? The guys think not and offer their opinions and expertise. (Originally posted: June 16, 2017)
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Steve has been on the West Coast for all of a couple months and he thinks the East Coast needs to CHILL OUT. The Midwest simply says, “meh.” Also, the guys talk about why you want a strict dress code when it comes to your accountant. Finally, Jason is trying to eat healthier. He thinks this means he should eat more cheese. Steve tells him why that’s dumb. (Originally posted: June 10, 2017)
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Do you keep haunted stuffed elephants under your stairs? Is your co-worker secretly (or openly) a huge beanie enthusiast? Is Steve angry at Jason for liking scarves so much? The answer to these questions and more is up for you to come up with, because Today, I Learned Nothing. (Originally posted: June 3, 2017)
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Jason hates his body, so you get his review of Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chips as well as McDonald’s Signature Crafted Recipes. Meanwhile, Steve thinks he found a brothel and is ready to explain the intricacies of erotic massage to his co-host. Finally, comic shops are known for a wide array of varietals in flatulence. But what do you do when the comic shop owner is the most flatulent one of all? (Originally posted: May 27, 2017)
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Ever hear of a penguin who falls in love with a human woman? How about a cartoon representation of one? Also, bridges are terrifying to some, but traumatizing to all who have gotten their heads stuck in one. Finally, Jason’s robotic childhood was robbed of many seminal, heart-wrenching moments. Let’s make him relive them now! (Originally posted: May 20, 2017)
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Steve attended Sakuracon and wondered just how different we all are, really. He also discovered adaptive homeless people, which really sounds like some promising tech. Jason, meanwhile, besmirches anime and usually falls asleep before he can watch enough to form a cohesive argument. (Originally posted: May 7, 2017)
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When it comes to vomiting, it’s best to act like a Boy Scout and be prepared. Also, are all Target bathroom sinks designed to spray your crotch? Jason investigates. Also, Steve and his son are especially adept at finding dead men in bathrooms. Use this knowledge to determine when or if you will accompany them to the can. (Originally posted: April 29, 2017)
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Autocorrect is judging Jason, and he doesn’t appreciate the judgment. Steve is going out to the ballgame, and he only wants peanuts and … grasshoppers? Like, the insect? Also, priests might find it uncomfortable to take in an indie wrestling match. Shocker! (Originally posted: April 23, 2017)
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Steve’s nerdy, bulky backpack got him stuck in a bus door, and he was quite embarrassed. Jason attempts to give us all a listen to the smooth, soothing sounds of his digestive system. And we find out just how hard it is to have gas in a skyscraper. (Originally posted: April 15, 2017)
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Steve loves his new job, including all the naked dudes he can look at in the hotel across the street. Jason was disconcerted by a large cadre of naked men (in a locker room) (that he wasn’t supposed to be in). And together, the guys decide to stop hatin’ on those happy, naked souls. (Originally posted: April 15, 2017)
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Do you like to save a buck or two when you travel? Steve, the Frugal Frolicker, is here to show you how you can sleep in your car to experience the exotic local eccentricities! Went to China but forgot your personal toilet paper? Pick up a few realty pamphlets and your bum will beg you to move on up! Also, Jason has apprehensions about traveling and yes, they’re mostly about bathrooms. (Originally posted: April 6, 2017)
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Jason can’t forgive a hair, any hair, in his food, and the bathroom isn’t a great source of confidence, either. Also, both guys want to know, are women nesting when they build piles of hair in the shower? Meanwhile, Steve told his daughter a fantastical lie to encourage good eating habits, but that falsehood may someday have grave, and/or hilarious consequences. (Originally posted: March 25, 2017)
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Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins are very different Dick Van Dyke movies and Jason knows this now (though he clearly did not just days ago). Steve knows the dangers of hand adjustments and won’t speak so flippantly about them. And doctors can be real SOBs. Also, possibly not actual doctors. (Originally posted: March 10, 2017)
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Do you have a knife and are you available to open anything at any time? Bad news, but nobody needs you as badly as you think! Also, Steve revenge farts, so watch yourself. Also, can cutting the cheese help you take the temperature of a room before diving in? Jason’s investigative report, tonight at 9. (Originally posted: March 4, 2017)
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The law of the sky must be obeyed, and when you leave it all on terra firma, you’re left to barter with only your wits. And maybe a loved one. And Michael Bolton is back, he’s on Netflix, and he’s spectacular. Also, what kind of decor should a men’s restroom feature? Finally, you wouldn’t believe how good a spring is at providing sound effects. (Originally posted: February 24, 2017)
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College was tough, but the guys made it through. Sure, there was some uncomfortableness with drawing and the nudity and all that, but Jason got through. And yeah, it’s hard to concentrate on the soldering and engineering and such with a creeping suspicion of bathroom needs, but Steve got through.
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Ever refuse to go to the bathroom so you wouldn’t miss out on someone getting a guitar broken over their head? No? How about providing samples to a sperm bank with a tiered experience approach? Okay, but you MUST have looked into the 25 ways you’re most likely to die, right? Huh. Well then I guess we don’t understand each other at all. Maybe give this episode a listen so you can see where we’re coming from? Thanks!
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Baby, it’s cold outside! No, really, it is, so please bundle up and listen to this episode! Also, Jason really enjoy the comfort and familiarity of the airport TGIFriday’s and Steve is tired of asking for his burgers to be well done. Finally, do you know your secret bathroom codes? The guys will help you avoid unwanted scenarios for your next bathroom outing!
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Who would have thought that your bro roommates might not make great doctors? Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, you might not like what you find. Also, when his family’s out-of-town, Steve’s got your Utah chili hook-up. Finally, never borrow an apple from Jason.
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Ever been asked to put your butt on the line? Steve has, and it’s quite a bit more literal than you might think! He also got a TV show idea out of it, and is pushing for more dares in the workplace. Meanwhile, Jason pees in places slightly different than a bathroom and is worried about Steve’s confusion between a bottle and a can. Finally, the guys brainstorm ways to fight the uprising evil robot horde.
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Does your work have some strange, possibly NSFW Christmas traditions? Jason and Steve share their favorites before reporting to HR. Also, can eggs be nogged? Steve files his report. And finally, an updated timeline for Jason’s sexual education.
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Steve is concerned with the massive sex problem facing Japan and he wants to discuss it with Jason. He also brings robots into the mix, which, given the geographic setting, isn’t out of the question. Proving that Steve is making great choices, he also regails us with his tales of blood, sweat, and tears, and what his son’s reaction was to seeing them all in person.
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Did you know that Steve grew up as the one and only Defender of Pocatello, the one that legends speak of? It’s true! Hear about how he and his trusty companion, Stick, stood vigilant for days on end, watching and waiting for the Bloods and the Crips to come make their play for his small but impressionable town.
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Steve is adamant that genitalia are fair game for kid’s jokes, but stealing a friend’s punchline is a no-go in his household. Also, is your poop lucky, and are you unlucky because you try to rid yourself of it? Finally, the guys evaluate the cast of Ice Age: Collision Course.
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With a chill in the air and a crispness in the wind, it’s time to talk about unfortunate zipper incidents. Also, aren’t kids jokes just the worst?
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Steve thinks Chinese women with long, wet hair are terrifying and Jason concurs. Also, a variety of instances in which murder may or may not have taken place are discussed. Finally, Jason patents the Sneez-Guard for Elbows.
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Steve mentions a corn maze made for old people, so Jason helps him to perfect this very lucrative venture. Also, fun pranks you can pull on your friends when you visit some confusing maize! Finally, both guys are fed up with pop culture references in Dreamworks animated movies. References aren’t jokes, people.
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How gross are retainers? Really gross, right? And Steve thinks he might have superpowers, but Jason is convinced they’re relegated to his face. Also, where IS Wonder Woman REALLY from and find out why the guys called Steve’s wife the Chinese Jesus.
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Welcome! This is Tom, he’ll be smelling your face. Also, we learn about Steve and Jason’s zombie survival plans, why Steve thinks being a decent human being is a superpower, and the tough decisions that superheroes must make every day. Email your thoughts and questions to sugar_24_2000@yahoo.com!
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Ever wonder what happens to a Chinese razor when it meets an American beard? Find out the answer to that question, as well as whether or not there exists a Hooters that won’t air a WWE event. Plus, kegels for men, the despair that is living like Adam Levine, and FANTASY.
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It’s time, yet again, to discuss the many foibles of Jason getting a haircut, and this time, we’re adding picking out hairstyles like a Sim might to the mix. Also, how ARE Kid and Play and Kris and Kross doing these days? Also, Jason’s 4-year-old is probably a YouTuber. Click “Like” and subscribe!
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Edit Shinney’s Shenanigans Show (feat. Sigler) Episode 7: Utilize The Raccoon Posted on October 7, 2016 by The_Best_Jason Bill Murray lets the groundhog drive in Groundhog DayOur first theme episode! Steve spends the time he should be using to find new webcomics, edit podcasts, and take care of his family instead thinking about animals and whether or not they’re carrying their weight. So much time, in fact, that we have to settle for a bunch of his strange rants in this episode. This could serve as evidence someday, so pay attention. Also, Jason found a police report about a raccoon attack. Enjoy.
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Steve wonders aloud about urban farming and the dumb habits of some animals, and Jason laments framing his old childhood drawings. Together, the guys have a laugh at the expense of the basis behind the Star Wars franchise, Laser Boy and Laser Kid.
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Ever wonder what it was like to be approached while on a cruise by a woman wishing to shave the Batman symbol into your chest hair? Me neither! So let’s live vicariously through Steve with this wonderful tale about love, lust, and losing yourself to a world of house music and cruise orgies.
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Is breastfeeding a great thing for men and women? Our team investigates! And who’s a better choice to watch: Ronald McDonald’s cold, judging stare, or a harmless neckbeard like Steve? Also, children getting familiar with their anatomy through artful expression and a baffling statistic: why are women so much better at drawing men’s bits and pieces than the very men who own them?
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Jason fills us in on all his horrible first world problems but still can’t explain what smart watches are for. Fortunately we quickly get distracted by more important issues, like which superhero has the scariest wang. Find out what Jason did to get arrested in a quarry, why we avoided the last Fantastic Four movie, and why Jason is scared of Doctor Manhattan. Then it’s time for the grossest game of Battleship imaginable.
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It's the pilot episode! This week we start by talking about marathons, but since neither of us have much experience with pushing our bodies to the limit of accomplishing major goals we quickly have to switch topics to things we know more about, like how disappointed Steve’s wife is with him and the desire to have additional scrotums.
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