Self-Coaching: Recent Episodes
Dr. Joe Luciani
Most people experience insecurity as something personal—as if it’s part of who they are. But what if it’s not a flaw at all, just a habit that’s been practiced over time? In this episode, I introduce what I call the stream of insecurity-driven thinking—the state where your thoughts feel urgent, convincing, and hard to step away from. The key isn’t to fight those thoughts, but to recognize when you’re in the stream. Because in that moment, you still have a choice. And while habits are stubborn and will continue to pull you back in, learning to step out of the stream—again and again—is how real change begins.
We tend to think growing up means becoming more serious—but what if it also means quietly losing something essential? In this Self-Coaching episode, we explore the shift from the spontaneous, carefree joy of childhood to the more measured, self-conscious way we move through adult life. Through everyday examples—and a simple visit to a playground—you’ll begin to see how natural playfulness doesn’t disappear… it just gets buried under habit, responsibility, and self-monitoring.This isn’t about trying to be a child again. It’s about recognizing that the spark is still there—and learning how to stop holding it back. You’ll come away with a fresh perspective on why we suppress lightness, and how small moments of humor, spontaneity, and ease can begin to re-enter your life—without effort, and without pretending.
How far away is your phone right now?Within reach? Of course it is.This Self-Coaching podcast isn’t about addiction, and it’s not about telling you to use your phone less. It’s about something quieter—and possibly more important. What happens when something more engaging is always available? Something you can turn to instantly, fill a gap with, or simply check… just because it’s there.Maybe it’s not about distraction at all.Maybe our tolerance for boredom—for the slower, more mundane moments of life—is quietly shrinking.This episode explores that shift. Not dramatically. Not critically. Just an honest look at how our experience of life may be changing—and what we might want to hold onto before everything needs something more.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I take you inside Rome’s infamous “bone church,” a place that forced me to confront a truth we all quietly avoid: life is short. But this isn’t about death—it’s about how we live. Why do we push certain thoughts away? And what happens when we stop running from them? You may find parts of this unsettling—I did—but what lies on the other side of that discomfort may surprise you. Because sometimes, the very thoughts we avoid are the ones that wake us up, sharpen our priorities, and remind us what really matters.
Insecurity talks to all of us. Don’t risk that. Stay safe. Don’t say too much. Don’t let people see too much. Most of us assume those feelings are something we have to obey.But what if that isn’t true?In this Self-Coaching podcast, I explore a simple but powerful discovery: you can feel insecure without letting it run your life. The breakthrough isn’t eliminating insecurity—it’s learning that you don’t have to obey it.
Living a lie usually isn’t intentional. It grows out of a long-standing habit of feeling that, somehow, you’re just not okay as you are. To manage that feeling, you learn to monitor yourself, avoid conflict, and keep parts of who you are hidden to feel safe. Over time, adapting and self-editing can start to feel like maturity or self-control, rather than a cover-up.Over time, that way of living creates pressure. Constant self-monitoring can lead to anxiety, chronic tension, and a feeling of never fully being at ease. Decisions start revolving around what won’t upset, won’t expose, or won’t risk rejection. This Self-Coaching podcast looks at how that pattern takes hold—and how learning to be yourself again can ease anxiety and restore a sense of freedom and self-trust.
Therapy works. It can reduce suffering, offer clarity, and help people feel less alone in their pain. And yet, many thoughtful, self-aware people quietly ask a question they’re almost embarrassed to voice: If I understand myself so well, why hasn’t my life really changed? In this episode, I explore why therapy doesn’t always work—not because it fails outright, but because relief, insight, and safety are often mistaken for transformation. Feeling better is real progress, but it isn’t the same as living differently.In this Self-Coaching episode, we’ll look at how therapy can unintentionally become palliative—soothing distress without interrupting the habits that keep recreating it—why insight alone rarely sets us free, and how understanding the past can sometimes delay change in the present. This isn’t an attack on therapy. It’s an honest examination of its limits, and a conversation for anyone who’s been “doing the work” and still feels stuck. If you’ve ever wondered whether therapy is helping you cope—or helping you change—this episode is for you.
Life often feels hard, not because something is wrong, but because we carry more into each moment than the moment requires. We’re rarely just living; we’re evaluating, interpreting, and judging how we’re doing while we live. That constant self-monitoring turns ordinary tasks into tests and quietly drains energy, leaving us tired even when nothing is falling apart.In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore why much of our struggle comes not from life itself, but from the overlay of insecurity we add to it. When we stop treating every moment as a measure of our worth, something lightens. Life doesn’t become easy—but it becomes more manageable, more honest, and less exhausting.
This podcast explores the psychology behind why time seems to fly as we get older. We don’t experience time directly—we experience moments. When life becomes routine and automatic, those moments blur together, and time appears to disappear.But when we’re present, attentive, and engaged, moments leave an imprint—and time expands. This Self-Coaching episode looks at how attention, memory, and presence shape our experience of time, and how reclaiming even small moments can change the way life feels.
Change has a way of stirring unease even when we know it’s necessary, and hesitation is often interpreted too quickly as weakness or fear. But reluctance isn’t automatically a problem; in many cases, it’s a natural, protective response that deserves attention rather than dismissal. In this Self-Coaching episode, we explore the psychology of this resistance and ask a more helpful question: how do you tell the difference between healthy caution and a neurotic pattern of insecurity? Instead of assuming that all resistance is something to overcome, we look at what reluctance may be trying to communicate—and when it’s signaling something worth respecting.This podcast will help you examine your own patterns around change. We’ll look at how insecurity amplifies uncertainty, and how to evaluate whether your reluctance is grounded in self-trust or driven by fear. The goal isn’t to push yourself toward change indiscriminately, but to develop the discernment to know when change is being avoided—and when it’s wisely being deferred.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore what I call the “winter mind”—the subtle psychological shift that occurs as daylight shrinks and our internal sense of possibility shrinks with it. Shorter days don’t just affect our energy; they quietly distort our interpretations, making ordinary stresses feel heavier and old insecurities feel more convincing. I discuss how this seasonal contraction interacts with the habit of insecurity, why our thoughts sound more personal in the quiet of winter, and how small acts of intentional warmth—what Norwegians call koselig—can counter the distortion and restore perspective. Through practical Self-Coaching steps, I show how to meet winter’s narrowing with clarity, steadiness, and renewed trust in your capacity to navigate life as it is, not as the season would have you believe.
This isn’t your typical “holiday episode.” Thanksgiving has a surprising way of slowing us down, even when we try to outrun it. The gathering, the familiar faces, the rituals—we don’t realize how much they interrupt our usual rushed, distracted rhythm. For one day, life pulls us back into connection, memory, and emotional reality.In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore why Thanksgiving hits harder than any other day of the year and how it quietly resets us. The warmth, the chaos, even the bittersweet moments all bring us back to what truly matters. It’s a rare chance to step out of autopilot, feel the day, and reconnect with the people and traditions that help us remember who we are.
In this Self-Coaching episode we explore the quiet, relentless habit of measuring ourselves against everyone around us. Whether it’s feeling outmatched in a conversation, watching how easily others seem to navigate life, or seeing social-media posts that make your own progress feel small, comparison turns ordinary moments into silent self-judgments. But these doubts aren’t really about being “normal”—they’re about seeking reassurance that we’re okay, worthy, and not falling behind. Using Self-Coaching principles, we break down why comparison feels so instinctive, how it distorts our sense of self, and how to shift from external measuring sticks to internal self-trust. You don’t become “enough” by matching others—you become enough by reclaiming your own path.
We all want to be happy—but what does that really mean? Is happiness something we can actually have, or is it something we only feel for fleeting moments at a time? In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore why happiness can’t be possessed, why others often seem happier than we are, and how insecurity keeps us chasing what we already have the potential to feel. Learn how genuine happiness grows not from control or comparison, but from self-trust, authenticity, and the courage to live your life as it is—fully, and without apology.
You know that little voice in your head—the one that never seems to miss a chance to remind you of what you did wrong, what you should’ve said, or how you’ll probably mess up again? That’s self-criticism, or worse, self-rejection. And for many of us, it’s not just an occasional visitor—it’s a full-time companion. We’ve gotten so used to berating ourselves that we mistake it for motivation, as if tearing ourselves down will somehow push us to do better. But it never does. It only deepens our insecurity and distances us from our authentic self.The truth is, self-criticism is a learned habit—an internalized voice of fear and self-doubt that’s been running unchecked for years. Maybe it started as a way to protect yourself from failure or rejection—“If I’m hard on myself, no one else can hurt me.” But over time, that protective instinct turns cruel. It becomes the habit of self-rejection, a quiet betrayal of who you really are.In today’s episode, we’ll explore where this voice comes from, why it feels so powerful, and most importantly—how to begin breaking free from it. Because ending the habit of self-criticism isn’t about becoming perfect or endlessly positive—it’s about reclaiming your right to be human, to be imperfect, and to treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer anyone you love.
What really happens when we close our eyes at night? Why does the brain weave vivid stories that can make us laugh, cry, or wake up in a cold sweat? In this Self-Coaching episode, we’ll explore the fascinating science of dreaming—what goes on in the sleeping brain, why humans evolved to dream, and how those nighttime narratives may help us process emotions, solve problems, and rehearse for survival.We’ll dive into the hidden language of the unconscious—exploring the role insecurity plays in shaping our dreams.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, I explore the four most common controlling strategies of insecurity—worrying, rumination, catastrophizing, and overanalyzing, also known as analysis-paralysis. These strategies are our reflexive attempts to compensate for insecurity—at its core, the fear that we can’t handle life as it unfolds. Over time, we come to rely on these strategies in an effort to feel safe and in control.The problem is, what starts as a coping mechanism quickly becomes a habit. And although these strategies may give the illusion of control, they inevitably generate stress. That stress, in turn, fuels ongoing emotional struggle.
Have you ever walked into a room and instantly felt all eyes on you? That tightness in your stomach, the heat rising to your face—you feel exposed, judged, vulnerable. It’s a universal experience. But here’s the thing: vulnerability by itself isn’t the problem. The real problem begins when vulnerability turns into insecurity—when self-doubt, fear, and the feeling of ‘I’m not good enough’ take over. That’s when life starts to shrink. Relationships suffer, careers stall, happiness fades.In today’s Self-Coaching episode, I want to show you how vulnerability and insecurity, left unchecked, can quietly ruin your life. We’ll delve into the origins of these feelings, explore why they’re ingrained in us, and, most importantly, discover how awareness can help them take a backseat. Understanding the vulnerability-insecurity loop may change the way you look at your struggles forever.
Have you ever had that nagging feeling that you don’t really belong? Where everyone around you seems smarter, more capable, more together—and it’s only a matter of time before they find out you’re a fraud? That’s not just self-doubt talking. That’s something called Impostor Syndrome—and you’re not alone.In this Self-Coaching episode, I break down what this nefarious syndrome is, how it became part of your life in the first place, and the real, ironic reason it continues to hold you back.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking something like… ‘I’m so stupid…I can’t do anything right… everyone else has it together—why don’t I?’ If so, you’re not alone. Most of us talk to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to a friend. We push, criticize, blame, and shame ourselves—often without even realizing it. But why? Why are we so hard on ourselves?Both Self-criticism and what’s called negative bias are inherent aspects of the human psyche that evolved to protect us from reckless behavior. When, however, insecurity gets involved, then rather than protecting us, self-criticism becomes a psychological cudgel leading to stress, anxiety, and depression.In this week’s Self-Coaching podcast, we’re digging into the psychology behind self-criticism—where it comes from, how it affects us, along with 5 steps to help you start being a little kinder to yourself.
Fear is a natural, protective part of life. Without fear, our species would long ago have become extinct. In this Self-Coaching podcast, I discuss not how to become fearless (that would be dangerous) but how to fear less.How do you know if you’ve become too fearful? I offer seven signs to help you differentiate between realistic, unavoidable fear, versus your level of neurotic, unnecessary fear. It’s important to understand that neurotic fear has a systemic, corrosive effect on your happiness, your mental health, and your physiology.
What’s so bad about procrastinating? For starters, procrastination slowly erodes the quality of your life by turning your days into a series of missed opportunities and mounting stress. When you delay important tasks, you trade long-term growth and peace of mind for short-term comfort. Over time, this leads to constant pressure, guilt, and a lingering sense that you’re falling behind. Goals remain unfulfilled, relationships suffer from broken promises, and your confidence takes a hit as unfinished responsibilities pile up. What begins as a harmless habit quietly chips away at your time, your potential, and ultimately, your sense of purpose.Procrastination isn’t a character flaw; it’s a habit. In this Self-Coaching podcast, join me as I discuss ways to overcome the needless tendency to avoid handling life more directly, in the moment, rather than kicking the can of responsibility down the road toward some vague future.
Maybe you’re not depressed and you’re getting along as well as can be expected, but maybe you’re feeling aimless, unfulfilled, or disconnected from a sense of purpose. Or maybe you’re holding out for some clear, passionate, lightning-bold kind of ‘ah-ha’ revelation that will rescue you from your ho-hum life. If this sounds like you, then perhaps this Self-Coaching podcast is just the ticket for understanding how boredom has become nothing more than a habit that can be challenged and replaced with your innate potential for living a more stimulating life.
We naturally become bored when our brain isn’t entertained, emotionally engaged, or sufficiently challenged. I’m sure you’ll agree that to some extent, boredom is an inescapable part of life. But how can you tell if your life is too boring? In this Self-Coaching podcast, I discuss the need to determine to what extent boredom may play a disruptive role in your life. Whether it’s a mismatch between ability and challenge, attention issues, or low dopamine, boredom can result from many causes.As much as we think of boredom as a negative, restless experience, there is a bright side. Join me as I explore this often-overlooked aspect of boredom.
The inability to say ‘no’ is a habit, a habit of insecurity. Whether it’s the fear of disapproval or rejection, a desire to please, guilt, low self-worth, or simply wanting to avoid conflict, when you find yourself saying yes when you’d rather be saying no, then you need to listen to this episode of Self-Coaching.Learning to say no requires some psychological grounding, but more importantly, it’s understanding that standing up for yourself is a skill. A skill that can be learned. I offer five simple techniques for learning to respect your boundaries while assertively (with kindness) taking care of your needs.
Do you ever wish you could be more positive, more optimistic? If so, this Self-Coaching podcast may be just what you need.Did you know that optimism isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a skill. A skill that you can actually build. Join me as I talk about some simple steps and exercises geared to help you focus on possibilities, not problems, reframing reflexive negativity, and learning to risk trusting that you can, in fact, handle what life throws at you.
Life’s demands, challenges, scares, and fears can really pile up. Sometimes it just feels like too much. The tumult of feeling overwhelmed is something that happens to all of us and although we can’t control life and the many challenges we encounter, there are things we can do to minimize, if not, eliminate the chaotic experience of feeling out of control.In this Self-Coaching episode I offer strategies for coping when we begin to feel powerless and victimized by life and/or our emotions. Avoiding getting overwhelmed isn’t about pretending everything’s fine—it’s about building little habits, developing a more resilient mindset, and a support system that can help you feel more grounded…even when things get messy.
Mark Twain once said that courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear. Although it’s tempting to wish you were fearless, without fear, our lives would quickly become reckless and threatened. Fear, healthy, objective fear is an essential component of our genetic inheritance, but irrational, neurotic fear is not.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the difference between normal and neurotic fear and strategies to minimize needless neurotic struggle.
In everyone’s life, there are ups, downs, happy times, and anxious times. But one thing is certain: life undulates. I call these undulations, waves--psychological waves. Think of waves as life’s challenges. Some waves consist of circumstantial, externally driven challenges, e.g., illness, financial struggles, loss, and so on, while other waves are psychological, driven by habits of insecurity.One thing about waves, circumstantial or psychological, they…undulate—they come, and they go. Waves eventually subside, allowing us to enter a trough state of potential calm. I say potential because for anyone suffering from anxiety, depression, or emotional struggle, being in a trough state (a potential for calm and solace) is no guarantee of solace; they generate neurotic “waves,” anticipating, worrying, what-iffing, etc. And for those who generate waves, there is no solace.Join me in the Self-Coaching podcast to learn what is necessary to ensure that your ‘trough state’ isn’t corrupted by the neurotic habits of insecurity.
Self-Coaching is not just another form of coaching; it’s a unique CBT-based program based on the idea that anxiety, depression, and other emotional struggles stem from learned habits of insecurity and self-doubt—habits that can be broken. To liberate yourself from struggle, you need to understand the fundamental ‘why’ you struggle in the first place. Why, no matter how much you’ve tried, nothing changes.In this week’s episode, I offer a step-by-step strategy that will teach you to become your own best coach, enabling you to overcome feeling powerless and victimized by life.
How would you define ‘burnout?’ Essentially, it’s a feeling you can’t go on—there’s just no more gas left in the tank. You may feel anxious, depleted, or simply stuck. Many components contribute to feeling burned out, chronic stress, fear of failure, self-criticism, not feeling good enough, being overcommitted, bored, and so on. Burnout isn’t just psychological; the relentless stress you feel is dumping stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into your body, inevitably leading the way to anxiety and depression.Join me in this Self-Coaching weekly challenge as I discuss some simple practical strategies designed to help you avoid further depletion and burnout in your life.
Are you tired of being manipulated? Saying yes when you’d rather be saying no? In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn how manipulators tend to bend you to their will by using tactics like guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or simply wearing you down.Join me as I explain how to set clear boundaries, avoid over-explaining, and use techniques like “Broken Record” to ensure that you don’t have to feel manipulated or bullied by coercive people who aren’t at all concerned about your attempts to resist and are only concerned about twisting you to do their bidding.
Regardless of age, gender, background, or profession, for many, no matter how much they try or succeed in life, they believe they’re frauds. Imposter syndrome is the persistent feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy, despite evidence of success and competence. People experiencing it often believe they’re frauds or undeserving of their achievements, fearing they’ll be "exposed" as unqualified and embarrassed, even if they’ve worked hard and accomplished much.Join me in this week’s Self-Coaching challenge to dispel the feeling that you’re living a lie. The “lie” has been based on the insecurity premise that you’re a fake, a phony. Once you yield to this deception, everything else becomes irrelevant. If you were to get that promotion or be nominated for mayor or even if you were to build a bridge or find a cure for the common cold, none of this would matter because eventually, you go back to feeling, “If they only knew the truth about me.”Let me offer you some Self-Coaching suggestions and techniques to liberate yourself from the shadow of self-doubt and fear of being exposed.
Beware of the saying: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” All too often, we cling to the short-sighted safety of attempting to control life. But sometimes, because of insecurity, a normal need for control becomes excessive as we desperately try to over-control life and outcomes. The problem is that the more we rely on insecurity-driven habits of control, the less we rely on our natural resilient ability to trust self and life. Rather than letting go and allowing life to unfold, we gravitate toward perfectionism, rigidity, and neurotic self-distrust.You may have become convinced that over-controlling life may feel like a better option than risking self-trust, but if you truly want to live a more passionate, liberated, enjoyable life, then it’s time to realize that there’s only one devil—refusing to risk self-trust.This week’s Self-Coaching challenge is to learn to risk believing that you can let life unfold today without your usual insistence that life, outcomes, and others must be controlled. Controlling life is a myth; living life isn’t.
Most people, at one time or another, will ask, “What’s the purpose of life?” More accurately, we should be asking, “What’s my purpose in life.” For some this isn’t a difficult question to answer, yet for others, it remains a total mystery.A sense of purpose isn’t something reserved for only those fortunate, happy, successful people; it’s a potential that resides in each of us. Unfortunately, one’s purpose may be submerged, unrealized, or covered over by neurotic distortions. While there’s no simple, one-size-fits-all answer, join me in this week’s Self-Coaching challenge as I offer suggestions that may help you grapple with finding more purpose in your life.
Developing self-discipline and willpowerWhat stops you from achieving your goals? What exactly is the resistance that keeps you from taking charge of your life and realizing your intentions? As complex and multifaceted as the answer to this query may be, one way or another, it all boils down to self-discipline.From a Self-Coaching perspective, self-discipline and willpower depend on the ability to willfully endure the transient discomfort of changing who and what you are. You weren’t born with self-discipline, you acquired it. Like a muscle, you need to develop your self-discipline muscle, one challenge at a time. So, if you wish you had more follow-through to get things done, whether losing weight, exercising, or realizing your ambitions, this Self-Coaching episode will give you strategies for reconstituting your atrophied self-discipline muscle.
Let’s be honest, we live in a world of imperfection. we are imperfect. No matter how fastidious you may be, there will always be banana peels to slip on in everyone’s life. “Why did I do that?” “If only I worked harder.” The old could-a, would-a, should-a’s.Every challenge, no matter how small, is an opportunity to grow in self-respect, confidence, and self-trust. Every setback is an opportunity to grow in self-respect, confidence, and self-trust. It’s true we can’t prevent regrets, but we damn well can minimize and avoid most of them.In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I offer twelve ways to minimize regrets going forward while letting go of yesterday’s banana slips.
Bumble bees are not supposed to fly. Their body weighs too much, and their wingspan is too short. Thank goodness the bumble bee doesn’t know these facts.What are the supposed “facts” that are holding you back? Sure, there are challenging circumstances in your life. But it’s not life circumstances that are holding you back or making you feel anxious or depressed, it’s your reaction to these circumstancesWhen it comes to happiness, we often hold ourselves back psychologically through self-imposed limitations and mental barriers, many of which stem from past experiences, cultural conditioning, or deeply ingrained, habituated thought patterns. Join me in this week’s episode as I explore some common ways we do this.
I’m sure you’ll agree that changing neurotic perceptions characterized by excessive worrying fear or emotional hyper-reactivity is easier said than done. In order to change the way you perceive and think about yourself and the world, it will take what we might call intentional effort. Efforts to reframe the thought patterns that have become reflexive habits while also managing and regulating your emotional/physiological responses.Once you understand how you’ve been compromised by neurotic perceptions and thoughts, then it’s time to apply a Self-Coaching approach that will allow you to reverse the grip that irrational, anxious struggles have on your life.
Ever notice how silly someone else’s worry seems to you? How many times have you told someone to stop making mountains out of molehills? Unfortunately,// if worry has become your knee-jerk reflexive response to life challenges, then mountain-making is what you do best.People make mountains out of molehills for a variety of psychological, emotional, and social reasons. This often stems from an inability to put issues into perspective, where minor inconveniences are perceived as major crises. And if you struggle with stress and anxiety, you’re probably no stranger to amplifying small problems, making them seem disproportionately ‘mountain’ like.
In everyone’s life there are challenges, some big, some small. When faced with adversity, hope can help us weather our storms. What exactly is hope? There’s no doubt that hope involves our emotions, but did you know that hope itself is not an emotion? Hope is a way of thinking. This means that hope—OR HAVING a hopeful attitude-- can be learned or coached.It’s true that hope may not mitigate the inevitable challenges we must face, but hope isn’t about what’s coming around the corner, it’s about releasing ourselves from the despair of hopelessness in our present. Allowing us to live more courageously and unencumbered by pessimistic projections.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, I’m introducing a new format: weekly Self-Coaching challenges. My intention is to provide bite-sized, motivational instructions that can be practiced each week to enhance your Self-Coaching efforts. Today’s challenge is an exercise in ‘creating a bubble’ of separation from your world of “have-tos.” By practicing being more responsive to your ‘whims,’ you open yourself up to glimpse the life that awaits you.
Today’s Self-Coaching episode addresses the crucial role that optimism and pessimism have on your liberation from emotional struggle. Although I’ll be talking about optimism in next week’s podcast, I felt it was crucial to first address what happens when we identify with pessimism, “I’ll never get better,” “life’s too hard, I just can’t handle it.” This is the voice of pessimism, which has become an entrenched habit of ego identification—in a very real sense, you become your pessimism. And when this happens, you begin what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the neurotic thinking associated with insecurity begins to feel like it’s your voice—It’s not!
Perhaps the best way to describe Responsive Living would be the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) phrase Let go, let god. The simplicity of this adage may escape you,// but trust me, it’s quite profound. In AA parlance, it has to do with letting go of compulsive, destructive thinking and handing yourself over to a higher power. From a secularized, Self-Coaching standpoint, Responsive Living is learning to let go, let life. Translation: letting go of trying to over-control life, and instead learning to risk letting life unfold spontaneously without anticipation, worry, or fear.Join me in this Self-Coaching episode to explore this extremely important Mind-Talk step of learning to use Responsive Living to liberate yourself from a life of emotional struggle.
Releasing yourself from struggleYou’ve heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. When you get caught up in the incessant chatter of insecurity-driven thinking, having a simple picture in your mind can be far more useful than a thousand words of analyzing or trying to understand the “whys” of your suffering. In this Self-Coaching episode, I provide two compelling, fail-safe visualizations that you will want to use over and over again whenever your mind feels hijacked by insecurity-driven ruminations of emotional struggle. Why are visualizations so powerful? Simply because the brain likes, even craves, visual images. You can tell yourself to stop worrying, which, more often than not, requires a tedious effort, but if you create a visual image in your mind, you will be short-circuiting the neurotic ruminations that cripple you, allowing you to turn away from the toxic chatter of insecurity and reconnect with a more relaxed, empowered perspective—one that will enable you to proceed to next week’s critically important step 3, Reactive Living.
How exactly do you stop allowing yourself to be manipulated by neurotic thinking? The simple answer to this question is best summed up by something my grandmother was fond of saying: You can’t stop a bird from flying into your hair, but you don’t have to help it build a nest. You may not be able to stop neurotic thoughts from percolating up into consciousness, but you don’t have to passively allow your conscious mind to become part of the “nest-building” problem. This is the essence of Mind-Talk’s Step Two, stopping the progression of insecurity-driven thinking.In this Self-Coaching podcast, I introduce two techniques for stopping this progression (a.k.a., nest building):• Engaging—focusing your conscious mind to actively stop the progression of insecurity-driven thinking.• Active Ignoring—asserting your conscious mind to ignore and disengage from insecurity-driven thinking.
If you do nothing about your thinking, nothing will change. If you do something about your thinking, you will change.In this Self-Coaching podcast, I will introduce you to the first of four steps involved in Mind-Talk. Mind-Talk is my unique technique for ensuring liberation from anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggles. Today's episode with teach you two critical exercises: Detached Mind-Checking and Critically Observing. Once you learn these simple techniques, you will no longer feel victimized by the inexplicable, habituated, neurotic thoughts that have prevented you from the solace that you long for.
It’s critical for you to understand that when it comes to your awareness, your conscious thoughts are not alone. With conscious awareness, you can, for example, be totally conscious and aware of your compulsive, worrisome ruminations: What if I get sick? What will happen to my job? What if I lose my job? What if...? but equally unconscious of the reflexive insecurity that spawns these neurotically laden thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. So, the question is this: with all the cross-fertilization—conscious-unconscious melding—how in the world do we separate truth from untruth, facts from emotionally driven fiction? In this Self-Coaching podcast, join me as I help you prepare for the specific Mind-Talk steps that will enable you to make these critical distinctions.Today, we’ll discuss three types of thinking:1.) Spontaneous thoughts. Unprovoked thoughts that erupt spontaneously into consciousness, Oops, I forgot to make that call. These are thoughts triggered by the unconscious that emerge into consciousness from the unconscious.2.) Conscious, intentional thinking.3.) Insecurity-Driven thoughts. These are reflexive thoughts that evoke doubt, fear, or negativity. These thoughts are not consciously driven (you may, for example, become aware of your fearful thoughts after you feel them).
In today’s Self-Coaching podcast I want to introduce you to my technique of Mind Talk. Mind Talk is a four-step program that will allow you to assert the full power of your conscious mind in order to neutralize the distorted, neurotic thinking that sustains anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggle. This technique is the core of my philosophy of Self-Coaching and will require a series of podcasts to fully equip you with the foundation necessary to succeed in liberating yourself from your struggles.Today’s episode is the first of the series.I begin by laying the preliminary groundwork for the steps ahead. We begin with a more through understanding, a demystifying, of how we think. Our conscious thoughts need to be seen in a different light. You need to understand that you are not your neurotic thoughts, these are interlopers, perpetrated by insecurity. Today’s podcast will help you recognize the importance of separating your true self from the neurotic entanglements of habituated, insecurity-driven thinking. Next week we’ll explore the role that the unconscious plays and following next week’s episode, we’ll begin a discussion of the four steps involved in applying Mind Talk.
If you’ve been listening to my recent podcasts, you would have heard me say that the reason you struggle emotionally is that you have become a passive victim of old, insecurity-driven habits. And make no mistake, a passive mind will always be susceptible to manipulation by insecurity. Essentially, a passive mind, one that capitulates to the doubts, fears, and negativity of insecurity, insists that neurotic struggle is….well, just the way it is.Bull!Once you awaken your sleeping giant of consciousness (active-mind) you can learn to overcome neurotic passivity and begin the important process of neutralizing reflexive, anxious thinking. Join me in this Self-Coaching podcast to see how a traumatic experience from my past led to my understanding of the absolute power your conscious mind has over that in you, which seems powerless.
In today’s Self-Coaching podcast, I talk about decontaminating and neutralizing the destructive, reflexive habits of the past that operate just beneath your level of consciousness. These less-than-conscious influences, which I call part of your shadow personality, are the reason why we struggle. Keep in mind that these habits are less than conscious, not unconscious!Using my Self-Coaching technique of ‘mind talk,’ you can learn to bring these destructive habits out of the shadow and into the full light of conscious awareness. Once exposed, you can apply my four steps that will help you begin a process of neutralizing the neurotic baggage of the past while putting you on a liberated, uncontaminated path of wellness.
We all have what I call a ‘shadow personality.’ Although a non-nurturing parental environment can be a major contributor to the shadow personality, any disruptive developmental challenges that all children face—fear, poverty, separations, loss, illness, and so on, can result in feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. These influences comprise the shadow of your here-and-now personality. Like the backdrop of a play, the shadow personality has an indirect, reflexive influence on your life. And it’s these influences that constitute the insecurity-driven habits that fuel your emotional struggles.In this podcast, I introduce a new Self-Coaching tool: conscious correction. With conscious correction, you will learn how to bring reflexive neurotic aspects of your shadow personality into focus, enabling you to “pump the brakes” slowing down your worrisome habits while neutralizing the acquired, destructive influences of the past.
Let me wind up my Self-Coaching series on the non-nurturing parental environment with a discussion of the indifferent parent and the defective, abusive parent. Although these examples represent extreme forms of defective parenting, to a greater or lesser extent, they play a part in the lives of many who suffer emotionally as adults.Essentially, the indifferent parent is one whose life and personal needs supersede their child’s. This type of parent may be openly neglectful and distracted. They are less likely to be held to account for the damage this lack of connectedness has on a child’s sense of worth and self-esteem. They are too selfish to establish an adequate and loving relationship with the child.The Defective, Abusive Parent, in contrast, tends to have a much more direct and deleterious effect on the child’s emotional development. Many psychologically wounded parents suffer from alcoholism, debilitating anxiety and depression, personality disorders, drug addiction, and so on. As you can imagine, a defective parent’s ability to provide an adequate nurturing environment is limited by the extent of their dysfunction. Because of this dysfunction, there could be neglect, emotional or physical abuse, along with erratic and inconsistent attempts to show love. Children who grow up in these homes are the children of chaos.
Last week’s podcast dealt with the overcontrolling, anxious parent. In this Self-Coaching podcast, I distinguish between the overcontrolling parent and the co-dependent parent. Whereas the overcontrolling parent is invested in controlling and protecting every aspect of a child’s life, the co-dependent parent lives vicariously through the child to compensate for their own shortcomings. Because of their own emotional neediness, this is a parent who, rather than being the source of emotional stability for the child, winds up using the child to feed their own fragile ego.
Back around 1969, overly anxious, controlling parents began to be called “helicopter parents.” Helicopter parents have a tendency to hover over their children—helicopter-like—micromanaging every aspect of a child’s life, saying, “Watch out!” “Don’t pet that dog!” “Don’t eat that.” The child becomes merely an extension of the parent’s anxieties, fears, and insecurities. In an attempt to stay one step ahead of anticipated mayhem, helicopter parents just can’t help jumping in and getting involved. Too involved!Join me in this week’s Self-Coaching episode as I explore the ego-shaping influences of growing up with anxious parents.
In the Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that by recognizing the similarities between your present-day insecurities and the nurturing/non-nurturing environment provided by your parents (as well as other significant shaping influences) during your early developmental years, you give yourself an important edge. You gain the ability to step apart from your own personal mental congestion and recognize how your present struggles have been shaped by your early learning and conditioning—the programming of your brain.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I ask the question: is it possible for therapy to become…addictive? No question that receiving professional guidance and perspective can be appropriate in times of intense stress or duress, but over time, ongoing palliative therapy can easily morph into a dependency. Especially when you begin to believe that you don’t have to deal with your day-to-day struggles; I’ll just wait until I see my therapist.Once you become convinced that you don’t have to handle your struggles anymore, or worse, that you can’t handle them, then the die is cast. Why do you think people remain in therapy for years and years? It’s because they’ve become convinced they can’t possibly do any of this psychological problem-solving on their own. As self-trust dwindles, so too does your capacity for psychological self-regulation.
I’ve been a psychologist since 1977; in my many years of private practice, I’ve come to see that there are seven thinking traps that most people who suffer from anxiety, depression, or emotional struggle have in common. So, if you're frustrated with your life or your lack of happiness, I can’t tell you how important it is for you to be aware of these tendencies.In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn the problem with using:• Should statements• What-iffing• Tunnel vision• Mind Reading• Have-to thinking• Black-and-White thinking
Join me in a rather embarrassing disclosure from my early days of innocence. It all began in seventh grade when Father Devine, my parish priest, gave the boys in my class an ominous admonition, one that altered my behavior for decades to follow. The problem wasn’t what Father Devine said, it was my misinterpretation that led to my problem.All kids try to make sense of information that is often lacking or fragmented. Most of the time there is little fallout. Occasionally, like with my story, faulty interpretations can lead to self-doubt and unrealistic fear, stoking the flames of vulnerability and insecurity.To a greater or lesser degree, some degree of insecurity is an unavoidable aspect of growing up in a challenging world. But the unfortunate truth is that the habits of insecurity aren’t something we simply outgrow. Velcro-like, they cling to us and accumulate throughout our lives, which is why, in this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn how to release yourself from the historic neurotic habits that have overrun your life, instigating emotional struggle.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss lying--the good kind, the bad kind, and the ugly kind. Simply put, lying is the willful substitution of fiction for fact. Not all lying is bad. In fact, what we typically call white lying can actually be considered beneficial. Call it what you like, being diplomatic, kind, or generous, it’s all the same thing: choosing to filter our true feelings in order to avoid unnecessary conflict by hurting others. Clearly, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I shudder to think what this world would be like if we had no filters.Unfortunately, not all white-lying is innocuous, take, for example, the inability to say “no.” These are what I refer to as life’s pleasers. Although compulsively pleasing others may reduce social friction, it can create a significant emotional drain on you.There are other more unsavory types of lying that you need to be concerned with. These are driven by insecurity and the need to control others and outcomes. These are self-serving, manipulative expressions that often have destructive influences, not only on others but on your psychic equilibrium as well. Join me as I delve into the more nefarious realm of the ‘deadbeat,’ the ‘scammer,’ and other egocentric manipulations.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I reveal my secret for successfully helping people liberate themselves from emotional struggle. Whether you’re experiencing anxiety, depression, panic, compulsion, or other emotional struggles, there is only one question you need to answer if you want to liberate yourself to a life of what I call psychological spontaneity. It’s really not that complicated. It’s like a riddle, difficult to unravel…until you know the punch line. At this point, everything becomes less murky and more obvious.Living a life of psychological spontaneity is moving away from the defensive frictions imposed by habits of insecurity. Frictions that wear you down, leading to ongoing struggle. Isn’t it time that you solve the riddle of why happiness and solace have eluded you? Isn’t it time to understand how you can coach yourself to the life you want, the life you deserve?
In this Self-Coaching episode, the focus isn’t on the transient weight loss associated with dieting but on a lifelong goal of liberating yourself from destructive eating. It may help to keep in mind a saying derived from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War: “Know your enemy.” To avoid being victimized by impulses, cravings, misperceptions, or mindless destructive patterns, it’s imperative to know and appreciate your enemies. Lifelong weight mastery has three enemies: adverse circumstances, harmful emotions, and destructive habits. Typically these enemies co-mingle. A setback at work (adverse circumstance) may cause intense panic (harmful emotion), leaving you reaching for the solace of an old friend, that pint of ice cream (destructive habit).It goes without saying that the three enemies can occur in any order; for instance, a binge (destructive habit) could lead to depression (harmful emotion), which could then create a situation where you get in trouble at work (adverse circumstance). These are the three enemies of moderation and healthful eating and they represent the challenges that you must neutralize in order to have the life you want—the life you deserve.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I want to help you demystify your thoughts, especially the neurotic, torturous thoughts that lead to emotional struggle. It begins by depersonalizing your insecurity-driven thinking, understanding that these aren’t your thoughts—well, not consciously intended thoughts—they’re nothing more than iterations of the same-old-same-old promptings of your habit of insecurity. Insecurity, not you, is instigating, promoting, and delivering these neurotic thoughts to you. And as long as you remain a passive receiver of these thoughts, you will be affected and you will suffer.I realize it sounds rather bizarre to suggest that you aren’t feeding yourself neurotic thoughts, but how could this be otherwise when you hear people saying, “I know my thoughts are crazy, but I just can’t stop them,” or “I have everything to live for, I’m so blessed, why do I have these dark thoughts?” The reason is because your habit of insecurity is feeding these thoughts to your conscious mind and you’re reacting to them as if they’re your thoughts. They’re not!
If you tell someone that you’re feeling depressed, they’ll no doubt understand what you’re talking about. Feeling empty, sad, down-in-the-dumps, worthless, or just plain blah is often commonly experienced with depression. The dictionary generically defines depression as a “pressing down,” which is precisely what the emotions associated with depression feel like—a weight on your shoulders, an overwhelming feeling of dread and hopelessness that presses down on you, making life difficult if not impossible. The reason everyone understands what depression feels like is because we’ve all, at one time or another, felt depressed. Feeling depressed is often a normal, albeit difficult, part of being human in a world of struggles, setbacks, and loss. However, the depression we feel when pressed down in response to challenging life circumstances is quite different from what is commonly referred to as clinical or major depression.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how to differentiate between clinical depression and what I call “circumstantial” depression. Although there can be some confusion when trying to differentiate one from the other, especially when there is an overlap between these depressions, typically, a person suffering from a circumstantial, non-clinical depression (not insecurity-driven) will eventually regain normal functioning as stressful life circumstances abate. The person with clinical depression will sustain a depression because the cause, insecurity, continues to fuel it.
Everyone worries, right? If so, are we, in fact, genetically programmed to “worry” about threatening future events? If so, then by extension, are we doomed, to a greater or lesser degree, to be anxious? The answer is yes. We seem to be programmed to worry, and yes, we seem to be programmed to get anxious. But there is a caveat. Both worrying and anxiety can be either perfectly normal or terribly neurotic.Completely eliminating anxiety in life isn’t a possibility. We all deal with difficult life circumstances, loss, rejection, separations, and so on, and having a proportionate, anxious reaction to such challenges is clearly an understandable human reaction, however, a disproportionate, ruminative, ongoing struggle with crippling anxiety is not only neurotic, it’s avoidable. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn how my dog, Lulu, helped me to develop a common sense approach to minimizing life’s anxieties.
We are all creatures of habit. Whether it’s brushing your teeth, taking your daily shower, or jogging every day, clearly, not all habits are destructive. However, when habits are driven by insecurity and a need to escape emotional vulnerability, they can become neurotic, even addictive attempts to kick the here-and-now discomfort down the road by escaping it. This is called denial. But how do you know if it’s you or your habits that are controlling your life?In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how to determine whether your habits, however compulsive they may seem, are normal and healthy or neurotically destructive.
If you’re like most people who have tried to understand why your life has become so twisted and tormented, you’ve probably spent most of your time scouring the weeds of your past looking for clues as to “Why?”And you’ve likely come out of those weeds still feeling stuck. You may have tried therapy (formal or self-help bibliotherapy) yet, you’re still struggling. In my estimation, whether it’s formal therapy or your own bibliotherapy, if all your efforts aren’t making sense and translating to everyday real-life experience, then perhaps it’s time to simplify the process of healing.What if I were to tell you that there are two simple, uncomplicated reasons why you suffer from anxiety and depression? Well, you might think this is an exaggeration. In this Self-Coaching episode let me explain why it’s not an exaggeration.
Typically, we worry when we feel threatened, unsafe, or challenged by life circumstances. Essentially, worry is an anticipation of future chaos—chaos that may or may not actually occur. Since no one can know the future, worry is based on a projection of insecurity--what-if thinking. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the importance of differentiating between emotional, insecurity-driven thinking (a.k.a. neurotic thinking) and rational, factual, mature thinking.Worry gives the illusion that you’re doing something about your vulnerability. And when you’re feeling out of control and vulnerable, this illusion convinces you that you’re not helpless. Unfortunately, the more you worry to feel less vulnerable, the more unsafe, stressed and insecure you feel. So, why do we do it? Because without a foundation of self-trust, worrying is the only game in town—we try to compensate for our lack of self-trust by reading the tea leaves of an uncertain future. Rather than feeling completely helpless, worrying makes us feel that at least we’re doing something! And this is what keeps us hooked into a neurotic habit of unchecked worrying.When challenged and feeling vulnerable, it’s okay to be concerned with the facts, but NOT the emotional fictions perpetrated by insecurity. Fictions that we can’t handle what’s coming around the next corner.
When we struggle, we often feel overwhelmed, confused, and unable to find the solace that has been snatched from us. When patients enter therapy, they often have no clue why they can’t stop their incessant, anxious worrying or snap out of a depressed mood that clouds their lives. In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer a way out—a way to untangle neurotic, habituated habits that prevent true happiness.The Self-Coaching solution is straightforward and rather simple. Rather than trying to make heads or tails of your struggles from a ‘macro’ level, where everything is a frustrating jumble of swirling thoughts and emotions, the key is to cultivate a micro-level approach, one that breaks down struggle into its elemental, understandable components. And from the micro—one thought at a time level—you no longer have to be fishing for answers as you begin to tackle even the most entrenched, insecurity-driven habits—habits that are ruining and ruling your life. You know about habits; all habits are learned, and ALL habits can be broken. Even neurotic ones.
Feeling stuck? Do you find yourself wrestling with ongoing emotional setbacks no matter how hard you try to find solace? When even the smallest challenges too often trigger fear, negativity, and self-doubt. If you find yourself stumped, scratching your head, and feeling tired of repeating the same old spiral of neurotic overthinking, then it may be time for a psychological reboot.In order to maximize your happiness and minimize your struggles, it’s important to have a clear understanding of what’s holding you back from the solace you seek. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss five stumbling blocks that may be keeping you from the life you want—the life you deserve. The simple truth is that if you don’t know what you’re doing that reinforces your habits of insecurity, then, like any habit, nothing is going to change.
Do you feel you have to have all the answers? To always be right? Do you treat your feelings as if they are unassailable facts? If so, it may be time to reflect on whether you may be too opinionated. Obviously, we all have opinions, but when you refuse to accept that someone else’s differing point of view might have merit, you are being driven not by your own perceptions but by insecurity.Opinionated people create a black-and-white word where ambiguity is eliminated. Insecurity abhors ambiguity; when insecurity fuels our perceptions, we have the illusion of absolute certainty. It’s an arrogant posture that often leaves others fleeing from your company. Why? Because opinionated people not only diminish others but are often perceived as bullies.Join me in the Self-Coaching episode and decide if you need to reflect on whether you may be coming across as too rigid and opinionated.
Most have experienced mountain-out-of-mole-hill thinking, what psychologists call catastrophizing. That’s when something goes awry in our lives, and we immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. More often than not, we leap to this anxious conclusion with minimal objective reason to despair. Even when a situation isn’t dire, we still feel like we’re in a doom-and-gloom crisis. When caught up in catastrophic thinking, it’s not pleasant. You have racing thoughts; you begin to feel overwhelmed and out of control; you bombard yourself with pessimism and negativity; you feel like you’re emotionally suffocating…Phew!In the Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the nature of mountain-out-of-molehill thinking and why treating it as a habit of insecurity is a way to deal with life’s challenges in a more healthy, less neurotic way. With a Self-Coaching approach, you never have to feel swept away by a catastrophic meltdown.
We all overthink at times; research suggests that 73% of 25- to 35-year-olds and 52% of people over 45 chronically overthink. Although not a mental illness, overthinking has the potential to not only ruin your day but, more seriously, become the foundation and fuel of anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggles.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss three types of overthinking: rumination, future tripping, and overanalyzing. Aside from circumstantial difficulties, like losing your wallet, twisting your ankle, or getting a call from the IRS, getting caught up in a habit of overthinking is an emotionally destructive habit that can be broken.
If life, in fact, were fair, then no one would ever suffer from an injustice, no good and decent person would ever be mugged, and no one’s reasonable expectations would ever be denied. Clearly, life isn’t always fair. We know this, well, kind of, but when we do experience unfairness or even cruelty, why do we cry, “This shouldn’t happen to me, it’s not fair”? Despite our objective view of the world, we cling to a more primitive expectation—an expectation of fairness.In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I explore this intriguing concept of fairness in order to embrace a more realistic approach to life’s inevitable challenges.
My high school biology teacher taught me that humans avoid pain and seek pleasure. I agree with this, but I would like to add another human imperative: we like to be in control and don’t like feeling vulnerable. Because of habits of insecurity, many feel constantly out of control and vulnerable in their day-to-day lives. And lacking the psychological maturity and self-trust necessary to handle life, they, ostrich-like, look for ways to escape.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss seven ‘ostrich’ behaviors that will prevent you from taking full responsibility for your challenges, leaving us often suffering from emotional struggles.
We humans undoubtedly just want to feel safe in life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and less vulnerable, but when primitive, reflexive habits of insecurity (a.k.a. the Child Reflex) steer our lives, then there’s an inevitable price to pay—emotional struggle.In this follow-up to last week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into three compensatory expressions that get us in trouble: the Star, the Fanatic, and the Control Freak. Join me as I explore these expressions, and don’t be surprised if you find some aspect of these perfectionistic-compulsive (PC) qualities in your own personality.
Whether we’re talking about compulsivity or perfectionism, these personality traits have one thing in common: they’re misguided, insecurity-driven attempts to control feelings of vulnerability. As with other controlling strategies, stress becomes an inescapable component of maintaining a compulsive-perfectionistic lifestyle. In time, stress inevitably depletes, leading to emotional struggles, especially anxiety-based issues. It may be okay for others to come in second, spill ketchup on their blouse, or have a bad hair day, but not for perfectionists. Striving for compulsive control of life is exhausting, yet many feel they have no choice. It’s a black-and-white world where not only do all your ‘ducks’ have to be lined up in a row, but God forbid one of those ducks breaks rank. This is a nightmare for the compulsively driven person.This Self-Coaching episode shows that striving to control life compulsively is a fool's errand. The solution isn’t more control, it’s developing Self-trust. What’s funny is that it’s not about being perfect; it’s really about not screwing up! Perfection, along with compulsive control, is, and will always be an illusion. Unfortunately, for many, without sufficient self-trust, it’s the only game in town.
What comes to mind when you think of a turtle? The shell, right? When feeling threatened, turtles escape into the protection of their protective shells. We, humans, also have shells, but not physical shells made of keratin, ours are behavioral—we have avoidant strategies to protect ourselves from perceived harm.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the fact that all humans have shell-avoidant behaviors, but not all avoidant behavior is neurotic. It all depends. It depends on the thickness of your ‘shell.’ For some, kicking back and avoiding making a tedious phone call at the end of a long day; may be termed avoidant, but understandable, behavior. For those, however, with thicker shells (more habituated avoidant strategies), this type of retreat from life’s challenges can become problematic, fueling other emotional struggles.
Maybe there are people who never worry, are always in a good mood, feel secure, and never flinch when facing life’s challenges. You might be tempted to think such a person surely isn’t neurotic. And this may be true, although I’ve never met such a person. I think it only fair to suggest that being neurotic isn’t a black-or-white description—it’s a relative statement. The real question is, to what extent are you neurotic?In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that a life of neurotic struggle is based on two factors: 1.) a diminished or lack of self-trust, and 2.) a habit of insecurity-driven thinking.Get ready to take my quiz to help you determine to what extent neurotic (insecurity-driven) thinking may be eroding your capacity for happiness and well-being.
In this week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into the remaining 7 principles of self-coached healing. This episode deals with the illusion of control, the habit nature of emotional struggle, the reality that healthy thinking is a choice, and the fact that a good coach needs to be a good motivator. These seven principles will equip you to take your life back from the reflexive, neurotic thinking that has tarnished your emotional life.
Self-coaching, from its very inception more than thirty-five years ago, was my attempt to combine cognitive behavioral psychology with a unique form of motivational coaching that would provide a common-sense approach to understanding and eliminating emotional struggle. It’s not the historical truth that will set you free, it’s realizing that all emotional struggle is the result of our habits of insecurity—habits that we inadvertently feed or starve.Through the years, these principles have helped people from all over the world, proving that psychological healing doesn’t have to be complicated or confusing. My effort to synthesize the essence of my Self-Coaching program into these seven principles will help to provide you with a straightforward format for taking your life back from the struggle.
What’s going through your mind right now? What thoughts are you aware of? Can you “hear’ this inner talk? When you say, “I’ll never get that job,” or, “I can’t stop worrying about getting older.” You’re actually talking to yourself—not with your mouth—but with your mind. Let’s call it, ‘mind-talk.’ And neurotic thoughts can affect us emotionally, providing the fuel for anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle. But, in order for thoughts to affect us, two things have to happen, 1.) You—a part of you—must listen to what you’re saying (mind-talk), and 2.) You must either accept or reject it.A part of you talks and, a part of you listens may feel strange, but when, for example, if you say, “I’ll never lose weight, I’m too weak,” and then you wind up getting a bit depressed, what happened? What happened is that you accepted and embraced this declaration of insecurity. This type of thinking, if unchecked, will steer and distort you and your life. Typically, these thoughts are reflexive, knee-jerk doubts, fears, and negativity.In the Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how to use mind-talk to not only liberate yourself from insecurity-driven, reflexive thinking but to finally experience the life you want—the life you deserve.
I’ve been a psychologist for almost 50 years, and two things I’ve learned about human nature: 1.) we are creatures of habit, and 2.) habits are stubborn. When dealing with anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle in general, there is nothing more important than to understand how the entrenched habits of insecurity have come to contaminate our potential for happiness and solace. Unfortunately, when someone tries to change, they typically fall short of breaking the emotional habits that are holding them back.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss why people are stubborn when it comes to doing what’s necessary to change. And it’s this stubbornness that requires a more direct and honest confrontation—a confrontation of tough love.In my estimation, therapy is too passive. In order to challenge the often, life-long habits fueling struggle, there’s no room for coddling. What’s needed is 1.) an understanding of “why” we struggle, and 2.) a self-coached, assertive approach to developing a more psychologically mature willingness to do what’s necessary to change—really change!
Ever heard of Occam’s razor? Essentially, Occam’s razor states that the simplest explanation is preferable to one that is more complex. In my early years practicing psychology, I decided to challenge the complexities of traditional analysis. As I began to formulate my Self-Coaching approach to emotional struggles, I came to a ‘chicken-egg’ issue: Does anxiety produce anxious thoughts, or do our anxious thoughts produce anxiety? The same goes for depression and emotional struggle in general.My contention is that anxious people have anxious thoughts and, it’s the anxious thinking that promotes what we refer to as anxiety. You may be a bit underwhelmed by this, but consider the fact that traditionally, we refer to anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as forms of mental illness. You know about illnesses; you catch a cold or flu. Do you “catch” anxiety or depression? I think not. Listen to this week’s Self-Coaching podcast to start making psychology much simpler than you heretofore may have thought.
If you believe that you can’t be happy, that too much is going on and you can’t handle it, or that you can’t shake feeling anxious or depressed, then you’re allowing yourself to become corrupted by such beliefs. You need to understand that insecurity-driven beliefs are not facts. Facts are stubborn things, and when you allow yourself to feel victimized, you’re treating feelings as if they’re facts. When this happens, you become powerless to change the course of your life. The truth is you’re not powerless. And that’s a fact!In this the second of a two-part Self-Coaching podcast, I dig a bit deeper into the roots of unhappiness and offer a simple path that will begin a process of empowering you to find the solace and satisfaction that, regardless of your current struggle, is, in fact, within your grasp.
Are you living the life you want? Do you feel a sense of meaning and purpose? Or are you feeling victimized, powerless over your struggles both emotionally or circumstantially? Before capitulating to hopelessness and despair, understand that the potential for a happier, more meaningful life is, in fact a free lunch, i.e., no one is denied this possibility. But first, you must understand what’s in the way.In this first of a two-part Self-Coaching podcast, I discuss the roots of unhappiness and a simple path that will begin a process of empowering you to find the solace and satisfaction that, regardless of your current struggles, is, in fact, within your grasp.
Self-Coaching is an “impatient” form of therapy. Whereas traditional analysis patiently explores the depths of your past, looking for the “truth” that will set you free, Self-Coaching rejects this notion. Like a cigarette smoker, you don’t need to know why you started smoking; you need to know what you can do to break the habit. It’s not the truth that will set you free; it’s understanding how you unwittingly reinforce neurotic thinking habits. Asking ‘why’ you struggle isn’t the right question; what are you going to do about it is.Learning the simple truth about what needs to be done to liberate you from your reflexive, insecurity-driven habits of thinking and systematically replacing these thoughts with more objective, mature thinking may take practice, but at the very least, you will know what has to be done. You will no longer feel victimized by your struggles.
“I’m so stressed! I can’t take this job anymore!” “I don’t have enough time to get things done!” Stress is a part of everyday life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by your stress. Victims are powerless, and you are not powerless! The truth is we were built to handle day-to-day stress; it’s part of our fight-flight nervous system that evolved to protect us from danger. We may have been built to handle situational stress, but we weren’t meant (or equipped), physically or emotionally, to live with chronic stress. And that’s a fact!In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I discuss the deleterious effect stress has on your body and emotions. You may not be able to eliminate all the stressful challenges of your life, but there’s a lot you can do to minimize life stress, especially self-induced, needless stress.
As we juggle the complexities of our lives, we often find that we just don’t have “enough time.” We feel that we’re spread too thin, we’re worn out, depleted, and stressed. Life has become more and more convoluted by the ever-growing demands put on us by incessant texts, emails, phone calls, and interruptions that simply can’t wait. And yet, rather than simplifying our lives, we just keep adding layer after layer of new complexities as we seek that mythic place where our to-do list actually gets done, where we can catch our breath and get off our hectic treadmill. For some, they hang on to fantasies of a getaway vacation—where we leave all our complexities at home and experience simply being present. Ahh! Perhaps it’s time to listen to this Self-Coaching podcast and take a look at de-cluttering your emotional life…now!
Self-consciousness is a form of egocentricity….we feel all eyes are upon us. It’s called the spotlight effect. However, the attention you get when you notice a large ketchup stain on your blouse or when you slip on a banana peel isn’t the attention you want—it’s embarrassing.We inherently strive to have others see us the way we want them to. Unfortunately, life has many pitfalls and obstacles to challenge us. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that Self-consciousness is relative--the more insecure you are, the more likely you are to spend your time neurotically anticipating and worrying about what people think about you. Learn to explore what can be done to release you from the burden of being neurotically self-conscious.
Do you have difficulty saying no? Are you a “pleaser”? A “yes” person? If so, you must recognize that you’re being held hostage by a long-standing habit of insecurity. You find it so hard because if we please someone, it will be much safer than if we displease them. Maybe you don’t want someone getting angry with you, or perhaps you don’t want to disappoint them. Or maybe you don’t want to feel guilty. Whatever the reason, pleasing others at your expense isn’t a free lunch--you pay an emotional price for suppressing your needs.Isn’t it time to stop beating yourself up and feeling frustrated because you wind up doing someone else's bidding? In this Self-Coaching podcast, I explore why we have such difficulty standing up for our needs and why it’s critically important to understand how to become more assertive. Being assertive isn’t synonymous with being aggressive; it’s simply and effectively taking care of your own needs. Yes, you can!
Stress and anxiety are closely related, exhibiting mostly identical symptoms such as trouble sleeping, digestive issues, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, irritability, and so on. Although the symptoms are similar, what triggers stress isn’t what triggers anxiety. To rid your life of the friction created by stress and anxiety, it’s critically important that you understand these differences in order to employ the appropriate Self-Coaching strategy to alleviate your struggle.In this Self-Coaching episode, you'll learn a whimsical yet important lesson as to why 'Daisy' the cow never gets anxious.
People come to therapy with the expectation that therapy will help them change. Is this a myth? After all, it's not unusual for people to remain in therapy for months, even years. What’s the truth? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the truth about psychological change.Current research suggests that there’s no question that our genes predispose us to five identifiable core personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. This, however, isn’t the whole story because a predisposition is only a tendency toward certain traits, NOT a life sentence!In this podcast, you’ll hear the “whole” story.
In everyone’s life, there are times of intense chaos, challenge, and uncertainty. Where we become overwhelmed with crippling emotions making it difficult to think or act rationally, and yet, even in the throes of such tumult, there are ways that you can fortify yourself to withstand life’s inevitable ‘meltdowns’ better.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss, what I call, your “resilient gene.” Once you realize that we humans are genetically equipped to handle adversity, you can begin to cultivate confidence and perseverance, even in your darkest moments.
In every relationship there will inevitably be ups and downs, disappointments, and regrets, but what if I told you that there’s a way to protect yourself from needless relationship conflict and surprises? There is—and in this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that managing relationship “orbits” is the key.By understanding relationship orbits, you’ll be in a position to place your relationships in their proper orbits based on how you're treated. Your inner orbits are reserved for those close, trusting, loyal people with whom you have absolute trust, but as you move out to more distant orbits, you have those who are less reliable, less trustworthy, and even destructive.By placing your relationships in the proper orbit, you will never wind up scratching your head asking, “Why did he hurt me like that?” Or, “I can’t believe she spread that lie about me.” The reason you won’t be confused is because your expectations are in sync with the actual person, not the illusion of the person we wish they would be.
In this week’s Self-Coaching podcast, I wanted to give a more complete overview of why Self-Coaching is much more than a “coaching” approach to solving life struggles. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, stress, or other struggles, you’ll find that an understanding of the dynamics of how you inadvertently contribute to your own suffering will put you in a position to choose the life you want—the life you deserve.Once you understand why you’re struggling, you’ll have a format for recognizing that the path of true healing doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process, not once you realize that worrying less, doubting less, and being less negative are all here-and-now possibilities that can get you started today. In time, as you practice your Self-Coaching, you’ll find that less becomes more.
Is true happiness an illusion? Well, yes and no. If you think you can be happy all the time, you will be sadly disappointed. Clearly, it’s not realistic or possible to be happy all the time, but if you’re willing to understand that within the quiet space between life’s circumstantial struggles, there resides and opportunity. An opportunity to experience life altering serenity and joy.In this Self-Coaching podcast, I argue that true happiness is definitely real, and with a proper perspective you too, can open yourself up to the potential happiness that you’re capable of. What’s the proper perspective? It has to do with embracing the four simple steps of humility, empathy, serenity, and joy.
In this, the first of a three-part Self-Coaching series, I talk about an old Native American tale of two wolves, one bad, one good and the battle that goes on in every human struggle. The focus of this week’s podcast is on “bad wolf” tendencies, i.e., anger, envy, regret, self-pity, guilt, inferiority, false-pride/ego. We are often aware of our negative, or ‘shadow’ traits, but when these traits operate reflexively, they tend to erode our potential for happiness and effective living. By shedding light on our shadow traits, we begin to make these tendencies more conscious, enabling us to be less victimized by them.Next week’s podcast will focus on the “good wolf” tendencies, followed by a Self-Coaching approach to neutralize negative personality traits, actualize positive traits, and claim the life you were meant to have—the life you deserve.
“To thine own self be true.” Common sense, right? But, how do we really know what our “self” is? Our, true self? There are those who argue that the concept of a ‘true self’ is an illusion, that there is no such thing as a “true self.” From a Self-Coaching perspective, I completely disagree, not only is there a true self, but unless you understand how we inadvertently smother it’s expression, you will never be totally in synch with your life.In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I discuss why your mental health is intimately dependent on you beginning to de-contaminate the insecurity that has restricted your connection to your true self.
You’re probably familiar with the quote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Same goes for neurosis. If we keep indulging our habits of insecurity, why should we expect to feel different? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the reason why we get entangled in our reflexive, neurotic ways, never realizing what the fundamental answer to our liberation is.If you’re tired of the same old same old struggles, perhaps it’s time to understand what’s really going on and why you’ve inadvertently become victimized by your own passivity. Feeling better doesn’t have to be that complicated.
From time to time, we all worry. Right? Sometimes however, our worry-thoughts just keep spinning and spinning in spite of our best intentions to stop. It’s as if worrying has a mind of its own. This isn’t far from the truth. Insecurity does have a voice; it’s the hand-wringing, what-iffing voice of chaos. If we passively yield to that voice, we do become powerless.In this Self-Coaching episode, I suggest my simple, “pink elephant” technique, that will show you how to interrupt the flow of worrisome ruminations, proving that when it comes to worrying, we do have a choice. We can choose to step apart from reflexive, neurotic worry-thinking and replace it with a more moderate mature voice that deals with life’s facts rather than our insecurity-driven fictions. Think "pink!"
Do you want to be liked? Well, according to cognitive dissonance theory, get someone to do you a favor. Sounds crazy, right? Well, not only is it not crazy, but it explains how we justify doing things that are contrary to our better judgment and moral values.Cognitive dissonance is a mental conflict that occurs when our actions, feeling, ideas, beliefs, or values don’t line up with our actions. In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore the many ways we rationalize, deny, or otherwise convince ourselves that our psychological transgressions are, in fact, okay and not transgressions at all.
Many people use ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ interchangeably, but they are, in fact, quite different. Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I not only explain the difference, but dig deep into my own personal history to reveal an incident that took place many years ago that, to this day, still echoes with guilt and shame.
What about you? If you forget to feed the dog, say something you regret to a friend, or how about if you say no to a request for help? Do you feel guilty? Ashamed of yourself?
Although guilt and shame can be legitimate responses to shabby or hurtful behavior, most times these feelings are neurotically driven by insecurity. Once you know how to ferret out truth from emotional fiction, you’ll be in a position to a use a few Self-Coaching steps to extricate yourself from needless suffering.
It just seems that no matter how much you try to anticipate, control, or manipulate life…there’s always something! Whether it’s a cracked pipe in the basement, inflation woes, or an infestation of ants crawling in your kitchen—it’s always something…always one more thing to worry about.
If you worry all the time or too much of the time, don’t think you’re going to find solace or serenity by worrying or “what-iffing.” That’s not the answer, in fact, it’s the problem. We get duped into thinking that we “have to” worry in order to be safe from life’s challenges--it’s as if worrying has a mind of its own. Truth is, worry does have a mind of its own and you are its passive victim. Join me in this Self-Coaching episode, as I expose worrying for what it is and, more importantly, how to decondition the habit of worrying, liberating yourself from the neurotic stranglehold it has on your life.
There are many reasons why someone suffering doesn’t choose psychotherapy. It could be fear of the unknown, the stigma of being “in therapy,” the cost, or simply confusion over the many types of therapies and therapists. Whatever the reason for not pursuing therapy, that doesn’t mean that you need to concede to a life of struggle—not when you understand that self-help (a.k.a., Self-Coaching) can provide the simple tools necessary for you to achieve a happier, more successful life.
For some, having a structured therapy each week is a lot easier than taking personal responsibility to do the work necessary to succeed. This is where Self-Coaching has an advantage—once you have the tools, you can learn to coach and motivate yourself to reclaim your life.
NOTE: You can reach me directly through my website: www.selfcoaching.net, or my email: selfcoachinghelp@aol.com. Let me know if you have any questions or podcast suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.
One of the most annoying personality traits has to do with people who are full of themselves. For them it’s all about self-promotion, blowing their own horn and never realizing that the rest of the world isn’t that interested.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about the need for emotional relativity—seeing yourself and your behavior in a more objective fashion. Unfortunately, the egocentric, insensitive nature of a braggart prevents them from the simple truth of how they come across. Instead, they genuinely believe that others simply can’t wait to hear all about their wonderful life.
I offer two Self-Coaching techniques for dealing with—and surviving—those who annoy us.
I would say that most people like to be liked. And if you’re like most people, whether it’s socially, professionally, or in your intimate relationships, it’s never a bad idea to brush up on your people skills. Research shows that people are biologically predisposed to be attracted to confident people and—no surprise—confident people tend to be socially more adept. In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer specific, simple techniques and strategies for enhancing your ‘likeability’ and self-confidence.
The benefits of becoming a more effective communicator are numerous. And it’s all doable with a bit of consciousness and practice. It’s really not that complicated.
No one likes to struggle and no one intentionally decides to generate stress and emotional friction in our lives. And yet, the truth is that most of our struggles aren’t created by legitimate life challenges, they’re caused by longstanding habits of self-doubt, fear and negativity. In this Self-Coaching episode, you can find out not only ‘why’ you struggle, but what you can do to recognize and release yourself from needless, knee-jerk suffering.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the improbable truth that lucky charms, rituals and various superstitions can actually have a beneficial effect on our behavior, health, and attitude. But how can this be? We know that superstitions or the belief that an object or behavior has the power to influence an outcome is, well, not logical. Yet, researchers have found that people who have luck on their side feel greater self-efficacy (i.e., the ability to believe and trust ourselves to handle life)—and this belief actually enhances both mental and physical performance.
Seriously, maybe you should hold on to that rabbit’s foot, a horse shoe, or a four-leaf clover.
It’s a fact that no one is lucky all the time. No one! We all have setbacks, disappointments, flat tires and rained out picnics. And yet, there are some people who, in general, just seem to have better…luck. Things seem so go well for them, they’re happier, more productive, and seemingly more blessed by life’s bounty. Are these people more lucky? And if so, are there certain characteristics of lucky people that enhance the possibility of encouraging good fortune?
In this Self-Coaching episode, I’ll let you answer the question as to whether or not we can actually improve our luck.
It’s understandable that we try desperately to cling to our youth, but in this Self-Coaching episode I explore the fact that unless you change your youth-oriented perspective on ageing, you will be doomed to fight your natural, psychological propensity to awaken to a much deeper, more fulfilling reality.
Clinging to youth keeps us frozen, preventing us to evolve. We know intellectually that we can’t turn back the hands of time, but on many levels, we refuse to accept this inevitable reality. This hesitation about growing older can not only be challenged, but it can be replaced by an awakening of the psyche to a more substantial understanding of the true purpose of life. As you’ll learn In this episode—it’s all about learning to live your “dash” years.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the concept of low self-esteem--the negative opinions and feelings we have of ourselves. Join me as I trace the origins of low self-esteem as well as what we do to perpetuate these insecure feelings in our lives today. As natural as it is to compare ourselves to others, this is the root of low self-esteem, especially if our comparisons are contaminated by perceptions instigated by insecurity.
I discuss various strategies for improving self-esteem and confidence, such as challenging negativity, establishing a more objective self-perception, fostering more healthy relationships, learning to say no, and more.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, I respond to an email from a listener outlining her long-standing emotional struggles with explosive anger, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
I'm introducing a new format of responding to specific questions sent to me in order to provide you with a real-life application of Self-Coaching. I hope to give you a more direct glimpse as to how Self-Coaching can be applied directly to everyday struggles. Whether it’s anger, depression, anxiety, or hopelessness, the path to liberation isn’t as complicated as you may think.
WANT SOME SELF-COACHING ADVICE?
If you would like me to respond to your specific struggle in an upcoming podcast, you can email me at, selfcoachinghelp@aol.com, or through the ‘contact’ section of my website: www.selfcoaching.net. Of course, your identifying information will be kept anonymous. Please note that my podcasts are not meant to be a substitute for clinical intervention; they are meant to be educational and informative.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the subtle differences between fear, anxiety, and panic.
Fear is an inherited, survival—fight-flight—mechanism ensuring our ability to react spontaneously to an external danger.
Anxiety is fear injected with insecurity driven-thinking.
Panic is the end result of a mind-body depletion caused by prolonged stress, anxiety, and loss of self-trust and confidence.
By understanding the physiological changes in our body and our psychological reactions to danger—real or imagined—we can begin to wrestle our lives back from needless neurotic living, learning to live more courageously in tune with our objective present, rather than an insecurity projected anticipation of future chaos.
Ever ask yourself, “what’s normal?” Actually, ‘normal’ is a statistical concept, not a people concept. We can, however, use the term to refer to your uncorrupted personality—your normal personality. Insecurity is what hijacks your pristine—normal—personality, convincing you that in order to handle life’s challenges you need to develop strategies to compensate for your vulnerabilities. This may not sound so bad until you realize that these controlling strategies are at the expense of self-trust.Without self-trust you are dependent on trying to control life. More precisely, to “over-control” life. Over controlling life takes effort, produces stress (which depletes our chemistry) ultimately paving the way to anxiety or depression. What was normal now becomes neurotic.
Our lives flow from childhood through adolescence to the middle years and, so as not to spook you, to what I call the, post-middle years. It’s the middle years (let’s say from our 30s to our 50s), which are typically spent in what we might call the acquisition phase of life. That’s where we typically go through an external whirlwind of doing, buying, competing, becoming, evolving, and so on (phew!). These are years of seismic growth as we form relationships, establish roots, careers, all the while enjoying an exuberance mostly for life’s external things--the seemingly essential things.Then, at some point middle age begins to—ever so gradually--yield to our post-middle-age. For many, the concept of growing older can evoke a deep rumbling associated with feeling a bit disoriented, anxious, if not depressed. But, as much as there’s a tendency to cling to what was, some do manage to transition effortlessly. What’s their secret? Well, truth is there is no secret and the solution is really rather simple. So, join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I explore an invaluable mindset and understanding that will pave the way for your ultimate psychological maturity ensuring a life of meaning and purpose.
Let’s face it, no one escapes life challenges. Sometimes, it’s all we can do to slog through and regain our emotional balance. In this Self-Coaching episode, I reintroduce and expand my ‘wave’ theory for handling life’s inevitable struggles. You’ll learn about the four types of “waves” and various Self-Coaching strategies for getting through even the most devastating life events.What’s interesting is that as inevitable as actual life challenges are (i.e., illness, loss of a job, etc.), they only make up a small portion or our overall struggle. The majority of our emotional struggles are the result of our tendency to become “wave creators.” We generate needless, artificial, neurotic waves and struggles. By learning to eliminate your propensity to generate anticipatory waves of insecurity, you can learn to Self-Coach a more fluid and healthy way to handle life’s real challenges.
No question we’re all looking for quick, abracadabra solutions to our emotional struggles. But the reality is that unless you realize the habit nature of anxiety, depression, unhappiness, and so on, you’ll never understand the real solution. In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about what’s necessary for you to unravel the habits of insecurity that continue to reinforce your struggles. The only caveat, you have to be prepared to commit yourself to practicing your Self-Coaching efforts every day.Let’s face it, emotional liberation doesn't just happen, especially if you’ve been suffering for years. It happens if you have clear path to follow and a willingness to fight-the-good-fight, taking your life back from the reflexive distortions of habituated insecurity.
To some extent, humans seem to have an innate fear of abandonment. When early life circumstances (divorce, neglect, etc.) cause a disruption to the child’s developing ego, chances are that the fear of abandonment can percolate through life creating anxiety, stress and dysfunctional relating.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the origins of abandonment fear as well as the many manifestations it may take in adult life such as a heightened sense of insecurity, inability to trust, jealousy, etc.
“I can’t find a job.” “I can’t lose weight.” “I can’t stop worrying.” Are you paralyzed by self-doubt or discouraged by lack of confidence? There’s no question that self-doubt and self-distrust will suppress your true potential for success and happiness. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn the attitude that’s necessary to effectively challenge and reverse your hesitations, paving the way for a more courageous path forward toward a more fulfilling life.Perhaps it’s time to become your own best coach and to confidently start to make good things happen. What are you waiting for?
Through the years, I’ve been told by many patients entering therapy, “I don’t want to blame my parents.” This is especially true with loving—however misguided—parents. What’s the truth? Is it fair to point a finger of blame for your struggles on your mother or father? Or is it a cop out?A child grows up, in a sense, through the “eyes” of the parents. Parents dealing with their own neurotic issues will indirectly send an unsettling message to the young child that the world must not be such a safe place. After all, if mom or dad are struggling…. So, the question comes up as to just how significant an impact do parents have on whether or not their child will grow up with neuroticism?In this Self-Coaching episode I explore the relativity of the parental influence, the non-parental environment, and the genetic influence of why we suffer. With notable exceptions (i.e., unloving parents; alcohol or drug addicted parents; etc.) it’s usually not fair to point a finger of blame. Doing so makes us victims of our childhood; a mature and honest understanding of our parents can be catalytic in helping us break the historical habits of insecurity that feed our emotional struggle in the present.
Confucius once said, “man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.” Is this you? Are you passively waiting for life to deliver your happiness? Just plodding along, day by day, hoping that things will get better? Wishing that things were different? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how you can determine what you need—really need— to have a happier more successful life.It all begins by learning to differentiate holistic, mature goals from misguided, insecurity-driven pursuits. With this clarity, you can begin to start to change the psychological and behavioral habits that have contributed to your less-than-optimal happiness.
After struggling with the audio quality of my podcasts for the past couple of weeks, I’ve managed to almost survive the software update that caused all my problems. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how difficult it is to change from the familiar devil-you-know, to the unfamiliar devil that you don’t.With change occurring faster and faster, we are all victims of constant change in life. For me, it’s a real burden (as you’ll hear) to abandon what has worked for years only to have everything once learned turned upside down because some programmer decided that he or she has designed a better ‘mouse trap.’ [FYI: I hope to find a new editing program soon!]
In this week’s Self-Coaching podcast, I discuss the importance of regaining self-confidence. Loss of confidence can happen gradually overtime due to an erosion instigated by insecurity or it can happen suddenly with a one embarrassing mishap. And once our confident attitude becomes corrupted with self-doubt, we are prevented from functioning at our true potential.Typically, low self-confidence is rooted in what we call performance anxiety, where a skill that was once mastered becomes sabotaged by the introduction of doubt and fear. Whether it’s a musician worried about the next note, a surgeon distrusting her skills, or driving your car not trusting yourself on the highway, once you lose confidence and self-trust, what was once mindless, becomes an ongoing torment of anticipatory worry and anxiety
One thing we all have in common as human beings, is the fact that life has its ups and downs. Emotional struggle is part of life—no one is spared. Whether it’s circumstantial challenges like losing a job, arguing with your partner, or worrying about a tax audit, life can often pound us with challenges. But sometimes, it’s not life challenges that hammer us, it’s our self-imposed challenges instigated by projections of insecurity or pessimism. In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer a visual that can help you understand the wave-nature of struggle. When caught up in one of life’s “waves,” —whether externally imposed or internally generated by insecurity— it’s not only important for you to know how to get through each struggle, but how to extend the serene life that exists in between the ‘waves’ of emotional chaos. I offer four Self-Coaching suggestions that will help you, not only handle life’s inevitable challenges, but also how not to create “false waves” of suffering that contribute to anxiety and depression.
Intuitively, we all have a sense of what’s normal and what isn’t. For example, if all of a sudden you feel your tooth aching, you certainly would feel that’s not normal—something’s wrong (abnormal). Same criteria can be applied to psychological disturbances. If, inexplicably, you begin to feel anxious and depressed, you would feel somethings wrong—not normal.Bottom line: emotional suffering is not normalIn this Self-Coaching episode, I explore this concept of normalcy by describing psychological disturbances as occurring on a continuum ranging from mild to moderate, to severe symptoms. Understanding how emotional struggle can progress helps us understand the need for not reinforcing the habits of insecurity that underlie neurotic struggle. Once you understand what perpetuates your struggles, you’ll be in a position to “unlearn” that in you which has become neurotic.
Ruminative, worrisome thinking can lead to emotional friction, unwanted stress, anxiety, and depression. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss a simple ABC technique that will teach you to liberate yourself and your life from the burden of worry and stress.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the emotional triggers and ingrained behaviors driving overindulgence. You can begin to retrain your brain, along with simple self-coaching techniques proven to break self-sabotaging cravings, compulsions, and emotional eating. These strategies will turn healthy eating into an effortless process of ongoing weight mastery.You’ll learn about the 3 enemies of weight loss: adverse circumstances; harmful emotions; destructive habits
Whether you have chronic or occasional difficulty falling asleep, it’s important to understand why falling asleep and staying asleep can become…well, a nightmare in itself. Have you ever wondered why our thoughts at night seem to come unhinged? Whether it’s fears, worries, or what-if thinking, nighttime can leave us feeling defenseless and victimized by our own thoughts. In this Self-Coaching episode learn how to quiet your mind, turn off stressful thoughts, and allow peaceful, restful sleep to find you.And what about dreams? Should we pay attention to our dreams and if so, how can we make sense of the messages dreams may have for us? Let me suggest a simple format for interpreting dreams that will allow you to profit from them in your daily life.
I believe it was Pascal who said that there is one true love and a thousand different copies. In this Self-Coaching episode, I attempt to explain the different manifestations of love while doing my best to get to what we call true love. And yes, I believe that true love isn’t a myth.It helps to think of love as an evolutionary engineered progression that begins with a hormonal, carnal desire we often refer to as lust, which can progress to what is often called romantic, infatuated love and eventually, if you are fortunate enough, winds up with committed, life-long love.Join me during this Valentine week to explore the psychology as well as the chemistry as to why human beings were designed to fall in love.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I introduce the notion that emotional suffering stems from psychological immaturity, preventing us from living up to our full potential. I realize this may feel insulting, especially if you suffer from anxiety or depression, however, I’m not talking about someone who acts immature, I’m specifically referring to someone whose psychological resources has been thwarted by regressive habits of insecurity. My contention is that emotional “maturity” requires that we transcend the strangle hold that insecurity has on our emotional evolution.The habits of insecurity, which were acquired during our developmental years, have inadvertently prevented us from developing adequate self-confidence and self-trust. Instead of emotionally maturing and handling life from a place of strength, we become reliant on defensive strategies of control. And that’s the rub! We’ve learned to use controlling strategies to handle life rather than by developing our own, innate, capacity for self-empowerment.
“We have met the enemy and he is us.” (Pogo, 1970)If you or a loved one suffers from anxiety, depression, or emotional struggle this podcast can help. Emotional healing doesn’t have to be complicated or mysterious, not once you know the simple, straight-forward truth.Taking your life back from the struggles fueled by insecurity begins with an understanding of exactly what you need to be doing to reclaim your life from emotional turmoil. I’ve done my best to condense my Self-Coaching program into a clear, step-by-step format that you can start implementing today.
Are we hardwired to stimulate our brains? Think about it…do you ever just do nothing? If we’re not watching TV or paying bills, we’re either texting or eating…we’re always doing something. And doing something is more pleasing to the brain than doing nothing. The reason behind this is because of a neurotransmitter in our brain called dopamine. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ chemical that creates reward-seeking habit loops in our brains causing us to repeat pleasurable behavior.In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the ups and downs of our technical world of computers, TVs, and smart phones, delivering to us an ongoing source of dopamine release. But, is this a good thing?
If you’re human, you’ve experienced fear. As a protective mechanism, fear has been pivotal to our evolutional survival. In our everyday world, the stakes are much lower, it’s not so much about survival from physical harm, but more about our emotional, “what-if” concerns and anxieties.But what if these emotional anticipations are, in fact, reality based, like getting fired, sued, audited, or finding out that your spouse is cheating on you? Although these aren’t actual survival threats, they are valid, and our psyche doesn’t know the difference.In this Self-Coaching episode, I try to establish that fear, legitimate or neurotic, has a basis in insecurity. By understanding the actual source—that which fuels our fear—we can begin to implement a Self-Coaching strategy to alleviate needless, ruminative fear and anxiety in our lives.We will never eliminate the instinctual fear response (nor should we ever want to), but at the very least, we can eliminate neurotic fears and restrain the fears connected to life’s more legitimate threats.
Anyone growing up knows the pain of not being picked for a game of kick ball. It really is no different when you find out you weren’t invited to a wedding or when you didn’t land that job…you feel rejected! And rejection is painful. In fact, the pain of rejection is processed in the same part of your brain that processes physical pain. A broken heart isn’t far removed from a broken arm when it comes to the brain.In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss why some of us have such a hard time recovering from perceived rejection. No question about it, rejection really hurts. And if you happen to have a fragile ego, rejection can be a paralyzing experience. Join me as I discuss various strategies to fortify yourself from life’s inevitable rejections —warranted or unwarranted.
Clearly, situational challenges can cause stress and friction—losing a job, the loss of a loved one. It's important to understand that circumstantial challenges are tethered specifically to a challenge or struggle, they are NOT self-induced.The question you need to ask is whether or not you're reacting to life—as it is—or to life contaminated by the doubt, fear, and negativity of the ‘Child Reflex’ or the guilt and expectations of living up to the internalized ‘Parent Reflex.'In this Self-Coaching episode, you will learn how to extricate yourself from the reflexive habits of the past that are preventing you from the real ‘you’—the uncontaminated, unsullied potential that resides within you.
It’s a fact, some people are just plain annoying. Right? But do you really know if you may inadvertently be annoying others? In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore what psychologists call affective presence. Essentially, affective presence refers to our ability to influence and affect people around us.Learn the tell-tale signs of when people might be finding it difficult to be with you.To become more effective—and less annoying—you’re going to have to learn to read the psychological tea leaves. And although it helps to read other’s body language and non-verbal clues, the real secret is learning how to engage others by being socially present and not distracted by insecurity or unconsciousness.
Are you tired of holding yourself back, dreading the challenges you face each day, tip-toeing through life fearful of making mistakes or being embarrassed?Rather than swimming in self-doubt and lack of confidence, this Self-Coaching episode will offer you a plan that will enable you to engage your innate resources without your usual hesitations and fears. You’re going to learn an important, life changing lesson from a very determined frog.
I hate getting a cold! There, I’ve said it. Yeah, I’m a bit of a baby especially comparing myself to my wife who is much more stoic and accepting of such viral inconveniences. In my defense, through the years I’ve grown more tolerant—well somewhat more tolerant. But, hey, at least I don’t complain any more.Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I explore a few ways not to let the common cold keep you, as they say, under the weather.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer you a self-coached, self-directed path that will allow you to begin the process of liberating yourself from needless emotional struggle. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, anger management, or simply embracing a more productive life, if you’re willing to embrace just three Self-Coaching techniques then, I can almost guarantee that you will be on your way to ‘unlearning’ the habits of insecurity that have inadvertently been ruling and ruining your life.
After listening to this podcast, you will have a format for change—liberated, self-directed change. Whether or not you implement and practice this format depends on your motivation to change. If you supply the motivation, Self-Coaching can show you the way.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the nature of psychological maturity. Although psychological maturity is a relative concept, understanding the elements that go into enhancing and advancing your own personal maturity will serve to help you have less stress, more happiness, optimism and the quality of life you’ve been missing.
You’ll be introduced to various strategies, such as becoming more flexible, responsible, resilient, and more emotionally balanced as you begin to self-coach your way toward relinquishing the reflexive insecurities that erode true maturity. Keep in mind that psychological immaturity will inevitably lead to emotional struggle and unhappiness.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer you a self-coached, self-directed path that will allow you to begin the process of liberating yourself from needless emotional struggle. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, anger management, or simply embracing a more productive life, if you’re willing to embrace just three Self-Coaching techniques then, I can almost guarantee that you will be on your way to ‘unlearning’ the habits of insecurity that have inadvertently been ruling and ruining your life.
After listening to this podcast, you will have a format for change—liberated, self-directed change. Whether or not you implement and practice this format depends on your motivation to change. If you supply the motivation, Self-Coaching can show you the way.
As the temperature begins to remind us that winter is around the corner, how do you feel about the change of seasons? Perhaps it’s time to yield rather than resist nature. Rather than complaining about the cold weather, what if you could learn to embrace winter, not for its harsh weather, but for the opportunities to regroup, to rejuvenate, and to psychologically restore your equilibrium?
In this Self-Coaching podcast, I explore adopting a different perspective. Rather than feeling cheated about the shorter days or the harsh weather, what about learning to use winter to celebrate a turning inward, a realization of all things overshadowed by the extroversion of summer. Winter, an introverted time to find yourself.
I don’t know too many people who enjoy the approach of winter. I know even less people who loath the process of setting our clocks back to standard time—the dreaded end of daylight savings time! Aside from the abrupt disruption to our lives, schedules, and circadian rhythms, resetting our clocks twice a year has become a real pain in the keister.
Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I explore simple ways to make your transition to the darker days ahead less stressful. You might even want to employ ‘hygge,’ a strategy the Scandinavians, who endure months of total darkness, use.
In this Self-Coaching Halloween episode, I talk about the importance of embracing the transient nature of our lives. Paradoxically, we do this by becoming more present, embracing life more intimately without allowing ourselves to become contaminated by the abstract fears of change.
Halloween, since it’s Celtic origins six hundred years ago, has been a celebration of the harvest and the winter to come. A time where we don masks and disguises to thumb our noses at life’s darker realities. Yet, it’s also a celebration that we are here! We are alive and we have the option to live life more courageously in the moment without anticipation of the ‘winter’ to come.
In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore your innate psychological tendency to actualize your true potential for a richer, more satisfying life. Like homeostasis, which is the body's way to maintain balance, your psyche can do the same--if you remove the impediments of insecurity.
Whether it’s a shrink, a guru, a shaman, or a pill, at some point you need to realize that you are in the best position to heal yourself. Essentially, this episode will teach you to self-coach yourself from identification with impotence and frustration, toward an empowered step-by-step method geared to unleash your instinctive capacity to claim the life you deserve.
Einstein once said that God doesn’t play dice with the universe. I’m no Einstein, but when in comes to emotional struggle, well, in my humble, Self-Coaching opinion, God doesn’t play dice with our emotional survival. Translation: Whether it’s anxiety, depression, panic, or everyday emotional struggle, these problems don’t just happen, they aren’t random afflictions. Just as Einstein believed in the mathematical laws of nature, similarly, I feel that if you understand the “laws” of emotional struggle, you can understand, not only why you struggle, but what you can do to liberate yourself from needless emotional distress. And you can begin the process today!
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss getting to your core personality—your untainted potential for being the genuine person you were meant to be. There are a few prerequisites to releasing your genuine self, such as letting go of negativity, focusing on your strengths, being open to change, not living in the past (or future), and most importantly, shedding your insecurities.
Getting to your core of who you are requires that you peel away the layers of reflexive insecurity-driven distortions. Each layer you peel away reveals more and more of your true potential to be you. And the closer you come to being you, the more you’ll experience a resonance with life, with others, and with yourself.
Ever hear the adage, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger? What do you think? Do you think it’s just a platitude for keeping your chin up? There is research to support the notion that perceived failure can be the catalyst for future success. People like Oprah, Steven King, Walt Disney and many others support this notion, including my own personal experience with my guidance counselor telling my mother not to waste her money on sending me to college!
In this Self-Coaching episode, join me to explore the benefits that can be derived from embracing setbacks and failures. Learn how to change a slumping life into one of passion and purpose. It’s all about learning to find your “target.”
Most of us want to be liked and most of us don’t want to be disliked, right? So, what are the qualities that enhance the likelihood that you’ll be liked? In this Self-Coaching episode I discuss 11 tips for ensuring that you can maximize your likeability in every relationship encounter.
What draws people to you has to do with learning, not only to be a good listener, but how to cultivate genuine interest even when the other person is boring you to death. Tips like, injecting energy and optimism, pacing, sense of humor, and learning to become more conscious of these and other tendencies that you can coach yourself to embrace.
On the flip side of being liked are tendencies that turn people off to us. Tendencies like complaining too much, not understanding the need for balance, feigning interest, or simply talking too fast.
“He made me sad.” “Her rudeness ruined my day.”
Do you allow people to get 'under your skin?' Making you feel hurt, angry, or frustrated? If so, this Self-Coaching episode will help you understand your emotional sensitivity-triggers. So, stop blaming others and stop being victimized by your hypersensitivity. It’s time to discover a way to never feel emotionally manipulated again.
Once you take your power back, you’ll be in a position to evaluate your relationships and friendships more objectively, making decisions as to how to navigate through the most difficult relationship challenges and skirmishes.
It’s important to understand that relationships aren’t static, and this episode will help you adjust your perceptions as to who you can trust, who you can love, and who is likely to hurt you.
Have you ever wished you could hold back the hands of time? To slow down life’s treadmill and catch your psychological breath? If so, join me in this Self-Coaching episode and learn how to step out of time.
You may not be able to stop actual time, but when it comes to your internal, cognitive clock, you can learn to step out of time and taste the timeless, bliss of abandonment.
Me, you, the universe, everything moves toward more and more complexity and disorder. Fortunately, there’s a simple answer to this depressing state of affairs and I’d like to share it with you.
When you meet someone and you’re trying to size them up, chances are logic won’t tell you the whole story. You need to hand yourself over to other important forms of information—intuitive information. In order to do this, you begin by giving up any preconceptions or biases you might have that could interfere with your seeing someone more accurately. From this vantage point you begin to tune into the persons, words, tone, appearance, body language, and so on. All adding data to your final assessment, “should I pursue this relationship or should I flee it?”
Doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, your co-worker, or someone you meet for the first time at a party, learning to read people more accurately will help you with what I call developing your ‘psychological antenna’—the ability to use all your senses to form a more accurate picture of the person you’re connecting with.
In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn the steps involved in assessing someone beyond first impressions. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’ll learn to better read their non-verbal messages, moods, and defenses. You’ll also learn what you can do to offer people the best and most accurate ‘read’ of you.
I would guess that most children believe in magic--the power to make impossible things happen. As adults, our world becomes devoid of magic as we accept the hard reality that when it comes to life's challenges, there are no magic wands or other fantastic solutions to our struggles. In this Self-Coaching episode, I challenge you to recognize that there is magic, not the abracadabra kind of magic, but the very real, every day magic that comes with understanding the power of optimism--the power to make impossible things become possible.
The magic of optimism offers you a glimpse into the transformative power that you harness when you live with a grounded expectation of personal resilience and resolve. The key isn't eliminating problems, it's managing and handling the inevitable challenges that constitute living in the real world. Is it really magic? I'll let you decide for yourself, but keep in mind that things that seem impossible to you today, may, in fact, become possible with the magic of optimism.
“If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.” Mark Twain
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the nature of procrastination. Procrastination isn’t an illness or a diagnostic category, it’s a personality tendency (a.k.a., habit). And since procrastination isn’t an ‘illness,’ you don’t have to cure it. You may have to address it, especially if your life is being sabotaged by escaping life’s demands.
Join me as I explore my own “ADD” personality, which in my estimation has nothing to do with an inability to focus, but rather a having a low threshold to boredom. I’m a stimulus junkie and in order to avoid procrastination, anything of low stimulus value requires flexing my self-discipline muscle. Developing your self-discipline muscle is one way you can begin to make your life more efficient and your intentions more obtainable. No more ‘kicking-the-can-down-the-road,’ learn how to flex your self-discipline muscle.
Why do we dream? Are dreams important? Some scientists say that dreams serve no real purpose at all. Whether you interpret a dream or not, most research suggests that there’s no question dreaming is essential to both your physiological and emotional balance. How exactly this is accomplished is anyone’s guess at this point, but one thing is certain, dreams can often be used to facilitate your emotional growth and life journey.
Join me in this Self-Coaching episode and learn a simple approach that will help you decipher your dreams and put them to use for every day mental health. You don’t need to have a Ph.D. in psychology, just a practical Self-Coaching approach that incorporates the previous day’s ups and downs to offer a lead-in to interpreting and understanding your nocturnal stories.
According to Self-Coaching, emotional struggle defies common sense. Truth is, it just doesn’t make any sense to go on struggling month after month, year after year. In this episode join me in a discussion of the fallacy of common sense and how replacing this concept with a more workable concept like ‘practical sense,’ will put you in a much better position to understand and achieve emotional liberation and happiness.
Would you find it unsettling to know that you may have neurotic tendencies? If so, perhaps you need to understand that to a greater or lesser degree we all have a very human inclination toward neurotic behavior(s). Whether it’s worry, irritability, negativity, self-doubt, or being self-conscious, understanding the nature of what we call “neurotic,” is one way to begin to liberate your life from these needless, habituated habits of defensive living.
In this Self-Coaching episode you’re going to learn, not only how and why we become neurotic, but more importantly, how to coach yourself to find what I call your “inner compass”—your path toward frictionless living. In order to access this inner direction, you first need to understand the impact that neurotically controlling life has on your wellbeing. Simply put, living according to your inner compass is living your life with meaning and purpose, rather than being manipulated by neurotic habits.
The fact is that we all complain—some more, some less. But what’s so bad about complaining? In the Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn how complaining is like experiencing the same torment over and over again, thereby revisiting the stress of our complaint over and over again. Not only is it stressful to complain, it also turns us into victims, grumblers, and whiners.
Did you know that complaining, especially chronic complaining, is a habit? Yup, complaining actually rewires your brain for negativity, pessimism, and unhappiness. Anatomically, complaining actually shrinks the hippocampus in your brain, which among other duties is involved in critical problem solving and intelligent thought.
In other words, complaining ain’t no free lunch. Join me as I explore the different types of complaining and why it’s in your best interest to break the complaining habit.
You may remember the song from the 50’s, ‘Tossin’ and Turning all night’’? Who hasn’t experienced the torment of not being able to fall asleep? You count sheep or try thinking pleasant thoughts, all to no avail. Meanwhile your frustration and inability to fall asleep has you at wits end. You know that sleep is essential, you know you shouldn’t be worrying about tomorrow’s problems, nevertheless, once again, you wind up ‘tossin’ and turning all night.
In this episode I explain a very simple Self-Coaching technique that I’ve been using successfully for years with my patients. Once you understand the concept, you’ll find that insomnia can be a thing of the past. In fact, you’ll find that falling asleep in five minutes or less isn’t at all unusual.
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting fatigued hearing about the next ‘wave’ of this virus. I believe it’s now called the Ba.5 variant. Great, right!
Granted, it does seem as if we’ve become more resilient since all this began in January 2020. We seemingly have adapted rather well, however, just beneath the surface is that January 2020 reflexive feeling of paranoia. Guess it’s a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
Is it okay to socialize? Is it practical to go to the theater, restaurants, weddings? Sure, we’ve come a long way, but we’re nowhere near putting Covid in our rear-view mirror. Until that time comes, I’d like to offer a Self-Coaching approach where you can learn the value of being concerned rather than worried, being prudent when defining your comfort zones, and most importantly living each day with legitimate optimism.
We live in a world where frustrations are an inevitable part of life and learning to tolerate frustration should be a part of your healing journey. In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about the nature of "intolerance"--letting life's frustrations victimize you.
Maybe you've tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, or thinking of purple elephants, all to no avail. Unless you have a better grasp on how and why you wind up frazzled by life's frustrations, you'll continue to be triggered by these events.
Join me in an exploration of how that pristine moment between the stimulus (frustrating event) and response (becoming frazzled) can become your key to a calmer, healthier acceptance of life's inevitable challenges.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the important concept of compassion. Compassion literally means “to suffer together” and is defined as the feeling that arises when you’re confronted with another's suffering and you feel motivated to do something in order to relieve that suffering. Research shows that compassion in life adds to our genuine happiness as well as our physical health and longevity.
Although we typically think compassion as it relates to others, it also pertains to ourselves in what we might call self-compassion—the need for healthy forgiveness and nurturing. And yet there are some who are insulated from compassionate caring, retreating into their “turtle” shells of detachment and defensive insulation. Still others, in contrast, become overly involved in compassionate involvement creating what we call compassion fatigue. Join me as I discuss the different manifestations of this very important psychological emotion.
I’ll admit, it sounds rather preposterous that there could be one reason for all emotional struggle, it just seems to defy common sense. Perhaps. Nevertheless, understanding the reason why we suffer isn’t as important as knowing what we can do to liberate ourselves from a life contaminated by emotional struggle.
Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I lay out my reasoning why emotional liberation requires, not abstract, arcane psychological theory, but what I call, common sense psychology. Psychology doesn’t have to be rocket science, it simply has to make sense—common sense.
In this episode you’ll learn how to apply my Self-Coaching principles to solving emotional struggle. Whether you suffer from anxiety, depression, worry, or challenging moods, Self-Coaching is a hands-on technique for liberating yourself from needless insecurity-driven, distorted thinking. By learning to distinguish between your thoughts that are contaminated by insecurity and your mature, healthy thoughts, you’ll be in a position to choose a life free of conflict and struggle.
Self-Coaching is much more than ‘coaching,’ it’s a powerful cognitive behavioral tool for understanding the why of suffering. The reason I call it Self-Coaching, is because in order to break the destructive, insecurity-driven habits that underly emotional struggle, you’re going to need to understand the need for motivational optimism in order to neutralize insecurity and replace it with self-trust. With self-trust, you’ll be free to live life spontaneously, without the worrisome need to always be in an anticipatory state of “what-iffing” life.
How to apply Self-Coaching to needless emotional struggle
In this episode you’ll learn how to apply my Self-Coaching principles to solving emotional struggle. Whether you suffer from anxiety, depression, worry, or challenging moods, Self-Coaching is a hands-on technique for liberating yourself from needless insecurity-driven, distorted thinking. By learning to distinguish between your thoughts that are contaminated by insecurity and your mature, healthy thoughts, you’ll be in a position to choose a life free of conflict and struggle.
Self-Coaching is much more than ‘coaching,’ it’s a powerful cognitive behavioral tool for understanding the why of suffering. The reason I call it Self-Coaching, is because in order to break the destructive, insecurity-driven habits that underlie emotional struggle, you’re going to need to understand the need for motivational optimism in order to neutralize insecurity and replace it with self-trust. With self-trust, you’ll be free to live life spontaneously, without the worrisome need to always be in an anticipatory state of “what-iffing” life.
Not getting enough out of life? Not bouncing back from setbacks? Feeling a lack of self-esteem or confidence? If so, you won’t want to miss this episode. Join me with my special guest (and daughter-in-law), Semira. Among her many talents and passions, Semira is a neuro physiologist, a mother of two, a skilled carpenter, artist, and gourmet cook, to mention only a few of her interests. How does she do it? What is it about her life and her attitude that allows her to savor all that life has to offer? Where others struggle with lethargy, lack of motivation, and empty lives, Semira has figured out the secret to a rich and rewarding life.
In this Self-Coaching episode, you’re going to learn what you can do to turn a ho-hum life into a more robust and fulfilling experience.
We often concede to stress by passively accepting the notion that we have no choice but to get upset when life challenges us. This is blatantly not true; you do have a choice! Join me in this Self-Coaching episode to find out how you can become more active in deciding whether or not you need to be victimized by needless neurotic, circumstantial stress.
The second century emancipated slave, Epictetus, taught that everything that affects us, whether good or bad, positive or negative, depends on our own judgment and how we interpret the circumstances of our lives. In other words, life doesn’t dictate our happiness—our interpretation of life does! This is why optimists are happier than pessimists. It was true in Roman times and it’s true today.
As for the 1,400 reasons? Well, you’ll have to listen to find out what they are.
If you struggle with weight loss and weight mastery, I'm sure you know how easy it is to fall prey to false intentions, rationalizations, or excuses. There’s a big difference, for example, between wanting to eliminate late-night snacking and knowing that you’re going to do it. Wanting to is an excuse that postpones action, going to is the mental action-memo that triggers intentionality. In order to go from wanting to to going to, you have to learn to stop being manipulated by self-sabotaging ploys that I call your "enemies." All self-sabotaging ploys have one thing in common—they are subtle ways of getting you off the responsibility hook. And when it comes to losing weight knowing your enemies is the first step toward weight mastery.
--Your brother just got his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his leg and your parents are going to flip out.
You find out that a coworker is cheating on his fiancé.
--Do you think if you heard this you would feel an urge to tell someone? Damn right you would!
In this Self-Coaching episode, we discuss whether gossiping is, in fact, part of our human nature—after all, everyone does it. But why? Why do we do it? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Could our tendency to gossip be harmful to our mental health? Join me in this episode to understand this rather intriguing tendency to, “spread the news.” Especially, the negative news.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I hope to convince you that emotional liberation doesn’t have to feel like rocket science, in fact Self-Coaching offers a commonsense approach that anyone can understand. If you recognize that habits, all habits, are learned and all habits can be broken, then you’re ready to tackle the habits of insecurity that have hobbled you with emotional struggle.
Do you recall insults better than praise? Do you think about negative things more frequently than positive ones? How about remembering traumatic experiences better than positive? Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone, it’s what psychologists call ‘negativity bias.’
In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about this totally normal, human tendency to react more strongly to life’s negatives than to its positives. Join me as I explore not only why we are negatively biased but various Self-Coaching strategies to minimize this tendency and replace it with a more optimistic capacity for a happy, more fulfilled life.
Here’s a simple Self-Coaching practice that will ensure your relationship’s ongoing sanity.
Bottom-up, top-down interventions will solve most relationship conflicts. This is especially true if both partners are employing these strategies.
In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that the strategy of calming down raw, bottom-up emotions of defensiveness, and replacing them with top-down, insightful thinking is perhaps the single best way to minimize, if not eliminate ongoing relationship stress.
In order to answer this question, we have to appreciate the thin line between anticipating future events and worrying about future events. The essential difference —anticipating versus worrying —has to do with the infusion of insecurity.
In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll find out why it’s important to take a step back from any life challenge or crisis and ask two important questions:
· Is what I'm feeling rational and reasonable?
· Is what I'm feeling proportionate or disproportionate to the circumstance?
Asking these questions will put you in the best possible position to begin to liberate yourself from needless worry and stress.
Many people who struggle emotionally look back to their childhood for answers. But what happens when we scour our past only to find a "relatively" happy, loving, nurturing environment without any significant trauma or neglect?
The confusion often occurs when, for example, a patient in therapy scours their childhood assuming there must be something-something dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive, or neglectful — about their parents. You know, the really bad stuff.
In this Self-Coaching episode, we’ll explore this paradox, demonstrating that not all anxiety and depression are a result of a completely dysfunctional nurturing environment. Far from it.
Next time you feel dead-ended by life, stuck, or overwhelmed by problems and worries, and you just want relief, rather than caving in to your feelings, recognize that you may need only a simple perceptual upgrade —a Self-Coaching "upgrade" that begins with an acknowledgement that just because you feel dead-ended and powerless doesn't mean you are.
In this episode you'll learn three Self-Coaching truths designed to provide you with an empowered perspective that will liberate you from needless psychological struggle.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss lying, particularly the ubiquitous, “white lie.” Is it wrong to fudge the truth if, in fact, we’re doing it to be diplomatic? Of course not; it’s what we might call a social lubricant. But when does white-lying cross the line becoming a neurotic problem?
Tune in to learn the difference and start to fine tune your life. It’s all about living “correctly” rather than at the mercy of reflexive insecurity.
Traditionally getting older gets a bad rap, but whether you’re in your twenties or your eighties, this Self-Coaching episode will have you looking forward to your golden years with optimism. Admittedly, this sounds like hyperbole—it’s not. Not once you understand that mortality, far from being a disquieting notion, is actually a profound teacher.
What can the concept of mortality teach us?
You’ll have to listen to this episode to find out; just don’t be surprised if you start to look at growing older as something much more than a winding down, but as an opportunity to grow and expand. You’ll learn the value of shedding the superficiality of your acquisitional younger days and realize the true value of living “correctly.” No longer does growing old have to be feared.
Anyone who insists on looking for a guru, a shrink, a shaman, or a pill, to liberate themselves from struggle will ultimately fail. Why? Because no one but you can ever topple your destructive habits. When you look for someone to heal you, to take care of you, to make you better, then, like a child, you remain without the full potential power of your maturity. It is exactly this power of personal maturity and self-trust that Self-Coaching promotes.
In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the why and the how to becoming your own best coach in order to take an active role in your emotional liberation
Human beings are vulnerable creatures and when feeling out of control or insecure we instinctively tend to compensate with attempts to gain control and not feel insecure. Insecurity/vulnerability is the root of our struggles and trying to control life is the weed that grows from it. A desire to control life may begin subtly, going unnoticed for years, with no ill effects. But make no mistake: in time, control will act like a weed, overrunning your life with worry, doubt, and fear. Trying to control life is such a destructive strategy, yet few people see it for what it is.
In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn why controlling life gives you an artificial and temporary feeling of security—you get seduced into thinking that your particular juggle of controlling strategies is the only way to escape vulnerability.
Do you want to turn your life around? If so, then this Self-Coaching episode will help you recognize whether you have a fixed or growth mindset.
A fixed mindset is like having a bicycle with 10 gears, unfortunately if you have a fixed mindset, you’re only using the first gear. You’re afraid to experiment with the nine other gears, why? Because you’re just not sure you want to risk failure.
If you happen to be clinging to that first bicycle gear your experience will be limited to peddling along level, easy roads; roads that are safe, manageable, boring, and limited. Whereas your friends with a growth mindset are saying, “Wow! Let’s see what these other gears can do, as they abandon the level road, trying different gears to tackle different terrain challenges.
You’re not a 10 sped bike, but if you suffer from a fixed mindset, you are limiting your ride through life. Sure, it takes a bit of courage to experiment with life’s other “gears”, but since we only live once, why not take the risk? Why go on holding yourself back with a fixed mindset? Why not try some of those other gears?
Everyone worries from time to time, but if you’re a worrier or even a worrywart, maybe preparing for the worst doesn’t sound so terrible to you. You may think it’s prudent if not smart. And I wouldn’t disagree if it weren’t for the compulsive, unrelenting worry-loop that gets generated by insecurity and anxiety.
There’s a big difference between worrying and being concerned. Concern deals with here-and-now facts, worry deals with emotional fictions, projections of future vulnerability.
When, because of insecurity and lack of self-trust, you feel you can’t handle some aspect of life, then worry is often an attempt to somehow—if not magically—find a way to figure out how to feel less vulnerable about something that hasn’t even happened. In a sense, you’re trying to worry away the fears. What’s the opposite of worry? Courage! Courage and a willingness to let life unfold dealing with each day as it presents itself. No doubt letting go of worrying may feel dangerous—it’s not dangerous at all. But don’t take our word for it—give it a shot and find out for yourself.
In this Self-Coaching Valentine's Day episode, Lauren and I discuss the many aspects of love and loving. When Cupid's arrow pierces our heart it sets in motion not only a powerful emotional reaction, but a biological process involving numerous feel-good, bonding chemicals including oxytocin, dopamine, and endogenous opioids--strong stuff!
Whether it's physical love, platonic love, flirtation, or parental love, there's no question that human beings are hard-wired to love. Join us as we explore the many facets of love, intimacy, passion, and commitment.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I want you to Imagine that you’re on your patio trying to relax. You notice a cute little pigeon milling about, pecking and minding its own business. Innocently, you toss it a few crumbs from a leftover sandwich you'd been eating. The next day you go out to your patio and within minutes your little pigeon buddy reappears with a companion. Enthusiastically, you throw out a few more crumbs. By the end of the week, you're inundated with hundreds of pigeons leaving your once pristine patio a shamble of feathers, droppings, and a cacophony of cooing. You ask, "What should I do?” And to anyone witnessing your problem the answer is simple, "Stop feeding the pigeons!"
If you allow reflexive, knee-jerk, insecure thinking to flock into your life with needless worry, fear, or negativity, then you're feeding the pigeons of insecurity. And if you insist on feeding your insecurity, the distasteful truth is that you will suffer. From now on, keep the image of the pigeons in mind every time you find yourself spinning with insecurity-driven thinking, then remind yourself to, "Stop feeding the pigeons!"
A famous line from the comic strip Pogo reads, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” If you’re at all concerned about whether you, or someone you know, may be too egotistical or narcissistic, this Self-Coaching episode can help. Lauren and I discuss the various shades of egoism and narcissism as it applies to relationships and everyday life.
Whether it’s the pursuit of happiness or simply living a more successful life, in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I talk about strategies to maximize your chances of reaching your goals.
There’s a saying that goes: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. Wishful thinking can never replace purpose-driven action. A successful life doesn’t come looking for you; it must be sought, pursued // and embraced.
Understand that a big reason why you quit on your goals isn’t because it's too hard, too frustrating, or too complicated. You quit because you allow yourself to believe it's too hard, frustrating, or complicated.
The person who refuses to accept negativity is the person who will always triumph. Starting today, aim at something, risk believing in yourself, then pull the trigger of action.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss resiliency--your capacity to recover from difficult life events. Being resilient doesn’t mean you won’t experience difficulty or distress—you’ll never escape the pain of being human. But you can learn to be more resilient!
Resilience is like a muscle you can work at becoming more resilient. Start out by becoming more mindful, focus on doing something that occupies your mind and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You may have to force yourself at first, but remember, you’re building muscle—be patient!
Most importantly, accept the changes—big or small—that have been thrust upon you. Don’t cling to what was or what should have been, let go of the past and begin cultivating a hopeful attitude that will serve you going forward.
Healing takes time, be patient, give yourself time.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss a better approach to making new year's resolutions. Now that it’s 2022 if you’re like most people, you’ve probably come up with a few new year’s resolutions. And why not, the new year brings with it an expectation of wiping the old slate clean and starting anew. We all like fresh starts. And as optimistic as you might be, don’t be blinded by short-sighted, wishful thinking.
In order to have those resolutions come to fruition, you need to recognize that unless you change your mind, you can’t expect your goals to be realized. If you really, really want to succeed this year, understand that it all boils down to self-discipline.
And you build self-discipline by willfully enduring the transient discomfort of changing who and what you are. You’re not born with self-discipline you acquire it!
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I address the importance of learning to become more patient. Think of patience as a muscle. The more you seek immediate gratification, the more your patience muscle atrophies. The opposite is equally true, the more you cultivate an attitude of patience, acceptance, and mindfulness, the more your patience muscle grows. With increased patience you feel more in control. Why? Because you’ve decided not to be a victim of that which you can’t control.
Accepting life, all of life, is a way of reducing friction. By resisting, stamping your feet and insisting, “I can’t wait!” “I need it now” the more you’re identifying with helplessness. You’re not helpless, the quality of your present moment is entirely in your hands. It’s up to you whether or not you ring your hands in anguish about something you’re waiting for or whether you’re enjoying the release and solace that comes from accepting that you can’t control fate. Waiting is an inescapable part of life…how you wait is entirely up to you
Do you ever say, “Today’s not a good day”? Or, “I have to go to work”? Or, “I have to pay the bills”? Life sounds like drudgery, doesn’t it? Before you resign yourself to just “getting through” another day, recognize what you’re doing. For starters, you’re conceding that today won’t be an opportunity for anything worthwhile. We call this a self-fulfilling prophecy--what you tell yourself and what you believe are what you and your life become.
In this Self-Coaching episode you'll learn to stop prejudicing yourself with a short-sighted, pessimistic attitude. Instead, you can open yourself up to the awareness that every day—in spite of any whining—is an opportunity, an adventure. The truth is, you don’t know what may be around the next corner. It could be wonderful, not terrible. As the saying goes, when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.
In this Self-Coaching episode I offer practical, everyday suggestions for living a more effective life. Sometimes, even the most commonsense solutions to life struggles are buried in needless, superficial neurotic distractions. The suggestions in this podcast are meant to awaken in you a deeper understanding and perception of your true potential. By removing the clutter of insecurity-driven, reflexive doubts, fears, and negatives, you open yourself up for the life that awaits you.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the seven secrets to a successful, happier life. They are:
Embracing optimismCultivating hopePracticing presence & mindfulnessFinding the good in peopleRisking Self-trustDefining your personal moralityCultivating a sense of humor
Isn’t it time to risk believing in yourself, to stop dwelling in doubt, to manage your fears and worries, and never falling prey to negativity? Remember, it’s never too late to become what you might have been.
In this Self-Coaching episode Lauren and I talk about improving your social/people skills. By injecting empathetic communication into your social exchanges you can learn to progress from small talk to real talk. Becoming a better communicator means learning to overcome emotional hesitation by developing your self-trust muscle. Self-trust begins with a willingness to risk connecting with others. You can keep it simple at first, perhaps just a nod or smile as you pass someone on the street or at the office. Find out that the world doesn’t end if you open yourself up to others.
So, stop holding your head down avoiding others, make yourself connect. Stop acting like you’re so vulnerable that you have to protect yourself from…from what? Be honest, what are you afraid of…embarrassment? Vulnerability? Stop running. Stop hiding. Start realizing that with practice your self-trust muscle grow, your confidence will grow, and your world will no longer be hijacked by insecurity. And what exactly is self-trust? It’s a willingness to risk believing in yourself. And does it work? Just ask Dr. Seuss: “Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss living without regrets. A regret is looking back over your shoulder, lamenting what was. Why do we do it? One reason may be that we're punishing ourselves for not being perfect enough, good enough, smart enough, and so on. Letting go of the past—especially the regrettable past—requires the courage to insist that today’s challenges don’t become contaminated by yesterday’s regrets.
Next time you find yourself swimming with regret, take a breath and realize the golden opportunity to do things differently going forward. Sit yourself down and ask one question, how am I benefitting from the self-hatred that comes from coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking? Stop beating yourself up. Embrace your humanness—sometimes humans get it wrong. And remember, stumbling is not falling. If you’ve stumbled in the past, this episode will help you to simply bring yourself to the uncluttered present and get on with becoming the person you need to be.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how thoughts matter. Whether those thoughts emanate from active, passive, or no-mind choices, it’s up to you to decide what serves you and what hurts you.
Learn how you can choose Active-Mind to actively reject insecurity-driven thinking (doubts, fears, and negatives). By learning techniques like the ABC method, active ignoring, or envisioning, you can STOP dancing with shabby, destructive thinking while reclaiming your serenity.
You’ll also learn how Passive-Mind leaves you at the mercy of reflexive, knee-jerk habits of insecurity…isn’t it time to empower yourself and climb out of the passivity of the back seat and get up front? Grabbing that old steering wheel, heading off in “your” direction—not the direction dictated by knee-jerk pessimism or ruminative insecurity.
One last technique, No-Mind, can shed light on how a meditative life can offer a go-to respite to life’s struggles. Whether it’s Active-Mind, Passive-Mind, or No-Mind, simply knowing the difference can make all the difference in the world—your inner world
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how nature can become our best teacher and healer. So, what can we learn from becoming more observant of nature? For starters, tolerance, acceptance, harmony and a sense of connectedness. Your congested inner life of anticipations, regrets, and incessant rumination begins to recede as you open yourself up to the outer world around you.
Nature doesn't discriminate, we do! Humans are always living in a binary world of good-bad, positive-negative, right-wrong, and yet, who's to say unequivocally that vegans are better than vegetarians or democrats are better than republicans?
For you to libertate yourself and be free of self-doubt and insecurity, you must manifest your intrinsic worth and beauty--your "nature." How? By being who and what you are, without comparisons, without regret. Minding the words of Dr. Suess, "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
When life feels like an endless struggle, when everything in you is telling you to give up and quit, it seems like you only have one ally—hope. And as valuable as hope maybe, in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the fact that hope resides in a future expectation of relief and/or resolution. As important as it is to be hopeful about what’s ahead, it’s quite another thing to live that hope in the present.
By all means, cultivate a hopeful attitude, but do this in concert with a here-and-now determination to live your hope now--in the present. In this episode we discuss how to replace fear, doubt, or hopeless pessimism by harnessing what we call a 'hopeful present.' A hopeful present begins by learning to embrace your tenacity, resilience, and determination. Starting today, you can learn to live your hope.
After doing a wonderful podcast on the value of hope, I realized that I never pressed the record button on our Zoom session! In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I attempt to recover from our faux pas.
(fyi: the lost podcast on hope will be resurrected for next week's episode)
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss relationships—especially toxic relationships that chronically deflate us, frustrate us, and worse, depress us. Why in the world do we waste time on people who are toxic for us? You’ll find the answer in Self-Coaching’s technique called “Orbits.” Once you understand your relationship “orbits” you’ll never be disappointed by someone’s shabby behavior again. Never!
It’s important to keep in mind that not all friendships are equal. It’s time to spend more time on friends that you’re in synch with and less time with “quasi-friends” who typically wind up draining you. It’s better to be discriminate and have one or two close friends rather than many quasi-friends. It’s the quasi-friends who often leave you scratching your head asking, “Why do I put up with this nonsense?” But even with quasi-friends, as long as they are placed in their proper "orbit," it's possible to include them in your life without being negatively affected by them. Remember, “In life, we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.”
Why do you think we spend so much time procrastinating? One reason is because living effectively in the present requires responsible, here-and-now action. It's a lot easier--and effortless--to imagine taking responsible action, later…or in a few minutes…or tomorrow. Truth is, there will never be a better "now" for purposeful action. In fact, there will never be anything other than "now." When the future does come, it will only be your new "now." Therefore, if not "now," when?
And do keep in mind that procrastination can become a habit and like any habit if you reinforce it with wimpy compliance, it will grow stronger. Just keep in mind that self-discipline is also a habit. The more you define your goals and stick with them, the stronger your self-discipline muscle becomes. So let me ask again, if not now, when?
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how the days, weeks, and months just seem to slip by as we live a distracted, mindless life allowing ourselves to be pulled in all directions but our own. You can begin to learn how to slow down your life by taking a psychological “audit.” Asking yourself, how much time do I spend arguing? Pursuing money? Status? Impressing others? Worrying? And how much time do I spend fortifying and restoring my life each day?
Clearly, every life has its demands, you go to work, pay the bills, watch the kids—these are life’s ‘have-tos.’ But within every day, there are opportunities…opportunities to glimpse a sunset, interact with friends or loved ones, or simply taking the time for a deep breath reveling at being alive. Learning to live correctly is a process and in this episode, we explore the many techniques available for taking possession of your days—to actually slow down life itself as you get in synch with your real needs and potential.
Have you ever been told that you’re too sensitive or that you think too much? How about, “let it go, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” If so, you may be a highly sensitive person. In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss sensitivity with an emphasis on those who tend to be overly, or hyper-sensitive.
Although sensitivity can be positive attribute contributing to a depth of feeling and experience, a highly sensitive person, on the other hand, is often prone to rumination and self-criticism, which can easily lead to feeling overwhelmed either in social situations or with life’s demands.
If you are an overly sensitive person, it’s time to initiate a bit of self-care, keeping in mind, that when it comes to feelings, it’s not a matter of eliminating your sensitivities, it’s a matter of managing them.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the value of surrendering to life’s inevitable, unavoidable challenges. Join us as we explore our reflexive tendency to resist change and the value of learning to surrender.
So, how do you know when it’s time to surrender? That’s when you begin to realize that holding on and resisting hurts more than letting go. Adjusting to a new normal allows you to regain a healthy perspective rather than chaos in your life. Remember, it’s never life that brings us to our knees, it’s how we react and respond to life that does.Next time you must face an unavoidable need to change some aspect of your life, be reminded that the discomfort of surrender is temporary! The relief of adapting is permanent.
Ever heard of toxic positivity? Well, I never did either until Lauren told me about it this week. In this Self-Coaching episode, we define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective attempt(s) to gloss over someone’s struggle by offering such platitudes as, “chin up,” “things could be worse.” Although well intentioned, these cliches can often cause shame or guilt for a person stuck in their struggles who might be feeling stuck and unable to “chin-it-up.”
And don’t think these gems of optimism are reserved just for others, we often dismiss our own true feelings with Pollyanna, sugary thoughts as, ‘everything happens for a reason.’
So why is this important? The reason it’s important to understand toxic positivity is because it often results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of someone’s struggles. Instead of toxic positivity, Lauren and I discuss a better approach to dealing with the here-and-now struggles of those that we care about.
In this second part of our Self-Coaching series on the psychology of relating in cyber space, Lauren and I continue our conversation, highlighting both the positive and negative aspects social media. There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and, as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Just keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how our hectic, high-pressure world seems to lend itself to the escape, stimulation, and distraction of social media. There is, however, a downside to squeezing more and more cyber-stimulation into your day-to-day life. When round-the-clock, hyper-connectivity begins to become compulsive, if not addictive, it may be time to hit the pause button and clarify your intentions.
There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Nevertheless, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the importance of differentiating normal from neurotic behavior. You do this by asking what’s driving my behavior? Whether it’s getting that closet organized just so, or not wanting to take a day off our exercise routine, how do we define what constitutes “compulsive” behavior?
The answer is that when your behavior is driven by positive desire and a tendency toward self-actualization, that’s healthy. And that’s normal. But when your behavior is driven by insecurity, then it’s a need to deflect, compensate, or otherwise over-control life, and that’s not healthy. It all boils down to when you feel like you don’t have a choice, when your “want-tos” have morphed into “have-tos.”
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the many reasons why people have difficulty accepting gifts, praise, or acts of kindness. One overarching reason driven by insecurity is ‘over-thinking.’ “Why did she offer to take me?” “He’s just saying he likes me; I don’t buy it.” Another reason is low self-esteem—not feeling worthy. There are many expressions of this problem, including distrust, feeling out of control, fear of strings being attached, feeling awkward, and so on. Isn’t it time to stop allowing insecurity to call the shots?
Learning to say a simple, “Thank you,” can go a long way in liberating you from these needless life tensions. It’s all about learning acceptance by opening up your mind and heart.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how to neutralize negative imprints from the past. Obviously, not all historical imprints are negative, but some are. It’s time to learn to neutralize those reflexive imprints that don’t serve us. How? One-by-one, neuron by neuron, brain circuit by circuit. Yes, you can begin to neutralize these troublesome imprints and habits by training yourself to live according to life’s here and now facts rather than historical, knee-jerk contamination.
It's time to become more aware of your reflexive beliefs and reactions to life. Time to decide what serves you and what hurts you. Do this and you will be actively starting a process of reprogramming your brain to go from struggle to solace, from past contamination to present living.
In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how to restore and replenish healthy self-esteem. It all begins with a simple truth: there's nothing wrong with you. Never was. You may reflexively balk at this statement especially if insecurity and faulty perceptions of inferiority have been calling the shots, but it happens to be irrefutable.
When you put yourself down you diminish your self-worth, you violate you. Stop doing it! Granted, at this point you may not be able to flip from black to white and gush with self-love (although that would be nice), but at the very least, you can start to neutralize your negativity. Sure, you may feel inferior, but always remember feelings are not facts. And when it comes to inferiority—your feelings are nothing more than faulty, miscalculations of your truth. And what’s that truth? let me reiterate: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. NEVER WAS!
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss emotional triggers. Triggers are any word, person, event, or experience that “triggers” an immediate emotional reaction. Although triggers can be positive reactions to a stimulus, our focus in this episode will be on our negative, knee-jerk reactions that we often come to regret.
We’ve all experienced being “triggered” or as they say, having our buttons pushed. Although triggers are reflexive, non-thinking reactions, that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by them. Not once you learn to detach, re-center, and focus on various coping strategies. With a bit of hindsight, you can learn to become more aware of the signs in your body that you’re reacting to a trigger, allowing you to become less susceptible to being emotionally manipulated. Like any other habit, if triggers are inadvertently reinforced, they will persist, but, as you’ll learn from this podcast, with a bit of understanding and practice, even knee-jerk triggers and be neutralized.
How do you handle being stuck in traffic, a slow line at the grocery store, or a slow Internet connection? Are you too impatient? Low frustration tolerance? If so, it’s time to stop torturing yourself when trying to handle life’s inevitable bouts of impatience. Only you can decide if the cost of being patient is worth it, but if it’s worth it, then join Lauren and I in this Self-Coaching episode and learn to begin taming your impatience rather than being victimized by it.
Okay, so you're offended, you're angry, your feelings are hurt, maybe it's time to forgive. Why? Because resentment and anger are poisons that you take. It's like carrying a packpack with a 20 pound weight on your back. Why not simply let it go? One reason is because on some neurotic level, you're wanting to retaliate by "hating" or holding a grudge toward the offending person. Or maybe you're tying to teach them a lesson by being angry, whatever the reason, remember, you're the one carrying the 20 pounds on your back, not the other person; you become your own victim.
You deserve better and in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how, by practicing forgiveness, you can learn to drop the 20 pound backpack--letting go of your own poison. Forgiveness isn't necessarily forgetting or excusing the offending person, it's simply letting go and releasing your own toxic feelings and moving on with your life.
In this Self-Coaching episode Lauren and I discuss ways to expand your life beyond your "comfort zone." There’s a saying that goes, 'If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.' The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. There's no doubt that wishful thinking can ever replace purpose-driven determination and action. A successful life doesn’t come looking for you, it must be sought, pursued and embraced.
This episode will help you find something to aim at, while understanding the hesitations and self-doubt that may be holding you back from a more expansive life potential that exists. Is it time to expand your horizons?
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss various strategies for managing fear. Fear is an instinctual response to danger (real or imagined). When the danger is real, like with COVID, fear mobilizes our resources to protect us from harm. And this is a good thing. When fear is associated with insecurity, however, then we wind up protecting ourselves, not from actual danger, but from fear itself (the “what-ifs”). When this happens, fear can easily morph into anxiety.
How do you tell the difference? Fear that has been cannibalized by insecurity is primarily a projection of the what-ifs, “What if I get sick?” “What if I lose my job?” Although seemingly reasonable, “what-if,” insecurity-driven fear deals with an uncertain future. Since the future doesn’t exist, these fears should be thought of as projections of our insecurity.
Join us as we discuss various Self-Coaching approaches that can go a long way toward managing and eliminating everyday fears and related anxieties.
How much of a role do genes determine your personality? Your happiness? Can we actually change who we are? In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how to "reinvent" yourself into the person you want to be and the person you deserve to be. There's a line from a poem that goes, "Stone wall do not a prison make, nor iron bars a gage." Sure, there are genetic predispositions, but there's a lot of wiggle room as to what exactly can and can't be changed in your life. It's not walls, iron bars, or genetics that imprison us...it's our thoughts, perceptions, and faulty beliefs.
You may have a genetic tendency towards certain traits, but your life is NOT predetermined! Starting today with this podcast, learn to abandon your fixed-mindset by replacing it with a growth-mindset. What you believe is what you become. And don't let anyone tell you differently.
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I explore the rather illusive concept of happiness. Happiness isn’t a goal that you can simply reach and be done with. It’s a constant pursuit requiring continual nurturing and sustenance. If you’re looking to increase your satisfaction with life, build stronger coping skills and emotional resilience, improve your health and longevity, then it’s important for you to understand how you can shed the negative, pessimistic habits that are holding your back and replace them with strategies that will ensure a more happy, purposeful, passionate life.
How often do you allow circumstances, challenges, or stress to dictate what kind of day it will be? Regardless of what goes on around you, it's important to recognize that you and you alone make the decision as to what kind of day it will be.
In this episode Lauren and I discuss various Self-coaching techniques to help you recognize that negativity, pessimism, and unhappiness are habits of mental passivity! Habits that, if you do nothing, well victimize you--and your day. So, rather than seeing life as one long dental appointment, explore with us a strategy for seeing each day as an opportunity to actively step apart from the circumstances or moods that steal your genuine, innate capacity for happiness.
There’s no doubt that we humans are hardwired to adapt to life’s ever-changing challenges. Clearly, COVID 19 has demanded that we adapt to a new, more restricted way of life. Some have struggled, some have whined, but somehow, we’ve all made it through last year. How about you? Did you resist the inevitable restrictions and demands? How about now, are you adapting to this seemingly transitional period where it’s a kind of one-foot-in, one-foot-out experience of “almost” getting back to some semblance of normalcy?
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the dynamics of why some people are more “adaptable,” while others resist, becoming overly cautious, pessimistic, or hesitant to change. Whether or not you are adaptable or not, join us to explore what can be done to enhance your ability and willingness to change, adapt, and transcend, not only this pandemic, but any and all of life’s inevitable and ongoing challenges.
In today’s podcast, Lauren and I discuss the fact that true happiness is an incorruptible attitude that exists independent of life’s circumstances. Whether the impediment to your happiness is caused by insecurity, life circumstances, or a faulty perspective, according to Self-Coaching, living a fulfilled, happy life isn’t something you wish for—it’s something you can learn to choose. Regardless of what’s going on around you, we suggest strategies that you can begin to employ today, enabling you to tap into your true potential for the happiness you want and the happiness you deserve.
With the vaccine rollouts and warmer days ahead, for the first time, there may be a legitimate light at the end of this long, long tunnel. Great news! But as encouraging as this news may be, we must now prepare ourselves to enter a familiar yet changed world..
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how this is the time to begin to fortify ourselves and our psyches for what’s ahead in a post-virus world. Although paradoxical, it’s not unusual that, as things continue to improve, we may actually see an uptick in our level of emotional distress. Why? Because for the last year we’ve been in a kind of automatic survival mode — less thinking, more protecting. It’s as if we’ve been holding our breath under water and are finally able to reach the surface and gasp a breath, only to realize how close we came to drowning. But as we start to catch our collective breaths, we’ll begin to feel the toll our stress has taken, and how depleted we are, mentally as well as physically.
Realize that as the intensity and stress of these past few months begin to flatten along with that damn curve (!), your emotions may lag behind. This is normal and should be expected. Don’t think that your psyche hasn’t been affected by what you’ve gone through — it has!
In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the many elements of successful relating. Whether you’re involved in a relationship that’s struggling or you simply want to fortify a good and loving relationship, this episode will shed light on the many elements involved in maintaining, enhancing, and restoring the love and enthusiasm you and your partner, friend, or spouse are capable of--and deserve!
However bogged down, confused, or distraught you may feel, untangling the chaos of a struggling relationship doesn’t have to feel like rocket science, quite the opposite, it’s all about raising your 'couples-consciousness' by learning to break away from reflexive, destructive habits and establishing more effective ways to communicate. Isn't it time to start restoring optimism, hope, and love in your relationship?
In this episode of Self-Coaching, Lauren and I discuss the three pillars happiness: personal happiness (releasing your innate capacity for joy); functional happiness (learning to ‘connect’ rather than ‘disconnect’ from what you do), and relationship/social happiness (overcoming the vulnerability of relating to others).
Understanding the difference between joy, which is an internal pursuit, and happiness which is an external pursuit, will help you understand the many misguided frustrations we face when trying to live more meaningful, content lives.
Being human means accepting the fact that life can challenge us in many ways. Insecurity, emotional vulnerability, fear of making mistakes, uncertainty, anxiety, social survival, competition, loss, abandonment, and so on, represent just some of the many potential threats we encounter in our emotional "jungle." In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how the myriad array of circumstantial threats can make us feel like we’re lost in a jungle of mixed and frightening emotions. As disquieting as these emotions can be, it helps to have a strategy for navigating life's inevitable challenges, and yet, as simplistic as it seems, sometimes all that’s necessary is a change of perspective.
Do you worry what people think of you? Do you typically find yourself focusing on your negatives? Are you always comparing yourself with others? If so, this episode of Self-Coaching is for you. Whether you’re too sensitive or even hypersensitive, it’s important to get a handle on how low self-esteem can create a life of torment.
Join Lauren and I as we discuss various Self-Coaching strategies involved in combating the myriad struggles related to a lack of self-confidence, self-worth, or insecurity.
Tired of endless dieting? Not getting results that last? IT’s time to change your relationship to food and change the way you look—for life!
This episode of Self-Coaching explores the emotional triggers and ingrained behavioral habits driving overindulgence. Lauren and I discuss powerful, simple Self-Coaching techniques that will help you break self-sabotaging cravings, compulsions, and emotional eating. You’ll learn to lose those extra pounds for good.
In this episode, Lauren and I discuss the importance of sleep along with various Self-Coaching suggestions for falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up refreshed. Learn how bed-time rituals and day-time habits play an important part in allowing the body and mind to naturally wind down at the end of the day in preparation for an easy transition to a restorative slumber. You’ll find out why sleep is a critical component in daytime productivity, mental well-being, and emotional balance.
Dreams, nightmares, dream paralysis, and sleep walking are a just a few of the nocturnal phenomena discussed in this episode.
In this episode Lauren and I discuss numerous Self-Coaching techniques for understanding and managing stress. Everyone knows stress, it’s a reflexive, protective reaction to danger—real or imagined. When you feel threatened, challenged, or overwhelmed, stress starts as a chemical reaction in your body designed to get you to protect yourself.
What causes stress in one person may be of little or no consequence to another. Some people are just better able to handle stress while others may start to panic over small, insignificant challenges. Our bodies are designed to handle the inevitable stress of living (i.e., small doses of stress), unfortunately, we are not equipped to handle long-term, chronic stress without ill consequences. You may not be able to eliminate stress from your life, but you don’t have to be victimized by it either.
In this episode my daughter Lauren and I discuss selfishness. You might be surprised to find out that not all selfishness is selfish, in fact, when it comes to being more effective, empathetic, and caring, taking care of yourself and your own needs is a prerequisite for genuine compassion and relatedness. But first, from a Self-Coaching perspective, we need to stop calling it selfish and find a “healthier” description of selfishness. Join us as we explore self-care, self-love, and self-respect.
In this episode, Lauren and I discuss the many ways we inadvertently trip ourselves up psychologically in our day to day lives. Learn to become the person you want to be—not the person driven by habits of defensiveness or insecurity. Whether it’s feeling guilty, hostile, fearful, or plagued with incessant worry or self-doubt, we offer some Self-Coaching insights along with strategies to live a more happy, productive life.
In this episode Lauren and I explore a very human tendency to procrastinate in an attempt to side-step life’s difficult demands. Although procrastination is a part of everyone’s life, a habit of procrastination can have a crippling impact on your overall effectiveness. Although closely related, we also make the important distinction between procrastination and laziness?
If you’re looking to be more productive and aligned with your aims and goals, then this episode can offer Self-Coaching insights and suggestions for finding your “trigger”—the moment where you overcome procrastination’s resistance and realize your intentions.
In this episode of Self-Coaching, Lauren and I discuss a very difficult topic that eventually affects everyone of us—grief and grieving. We were joined by Julie Balay, a registered dietitian/nutritionist and board-certified sports dietitian, who specializes in eating disorders, sports nutrition, and weight management.
Her greatest gift has been being a mom to her two sons, Ryder, 15, and Chase, who died from a rare brain tumor almost four years ago. Chase would have been 14 this week.
Although we all have a tendency to side-step issues of death and dying, there is a need, in spite of our psyche’s inability to comprehend the death of a loved one, to somehow make sense of our loss. Julie tells us her story, her struggle, and most importantly her ongoing efforts to reclaim a sense of meaning, passion, and purpose to her life.
Do you grumble or cringe every time you’re faced with a need to change some aspect of your life? If so, Lauren and I discuss a Self-Coaching approach, not only on how to overcome your resistance to change, but how to foster a more resilient, adaptive attitude.
Change, after all, is an inevitable part of life. For some of us change can be the root of much stress, anxiety, and fear. Why? Basically, it’s all about the devil you know vs. the devil you don’t. We’re comfortable with what we’ve learned to handle, whereas change presents a disruption to our status quo. And for someone with a low level of self-trust, this simply feels too risky. The more secure and self-trusting a person is, the more capable they are of yielding to life’s ongoing demands to change.
In this episode Lauren and I discuss the ‘negativity bias,’ an inherited human trait that causes us to put more weight on life’s negatives than on life’s positives. A genetic predisposition, such as the negativity bias, is NOT a life sentence, it’s only “tendency toward” clinging—Velcro-like—to negatives. We discuss various, straightforward, Self-Coaching ways to neutralize the negativity bias and replace it with an empowered capacity for positivity.
Although the negativity bias has an evolutionary survival basis, it's important to differentiate a helpful negativity bias from neurotic negativity. The former is driven by potentially harmful life circumstances, the latter by fictions of insecurity. This episode will teach you to differentiate between the two--paving the way for more positive and empowered living.
In this episode Lauren and I explore the value of psychological maturity when dealing with life’s challenges. We define psychological maturity as a willingness to handle life directly with courageous self-confidence; whereas psychological immaturity is a reflexive, neurotic way of side-stepping life’s challenges.
But not all immaturity is destructive or neurotic. for a mature adult, there can be a “healthy” form immaturity that we call your “inner child” who is capable of allowing for an experience of joy, spontaneity, and frivolity. Contrast this with immature adults whose inner child is used, not for adding spice to one’s life, but to manipulate, avoid, or control others.
In this episode, Lauren and I address a rather common problem—saying yes when you mean to say no. The dynamic lies in insecurity. When you sell out on yourself and yield to someone else’s wish you feel safe knowing they will be pleased with you. If, however, you say no, the outcome is less certain. They may get annoyed or angry with you.
It’s not a terrible problem, but as we discuss in this episode, your time is valuable and pleasing others at your expense is wasting your valuable time. We’ll tell you how to stand up for yourself and reframe that knee-jerk, “yes,” into a more honest, “I’d rather not.” The simple act of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries can empower you to live a life of integrity and personal liberation.
With the close of this difficult and tragic year, it's time to change our perspective as we look toward 2021 with the prospects of reclaiming our normal lives once again. In this episode my daughter and I discuss the perennial practice of making New Year’s resolutions. If you’d like some Self-Coaching advice on how to make--and keep--this year’s 2021 New Year’s resolutions, you need to listen to this episode. Lauren and I would like to wish all our listeners a most happy, healthy New Year, imbued with renewed optimism and belief of better times ahead.
As we enter the holiday season this year, we are faced with many new and unique challenges brought on by this pandemic. No longer, for example, can family gatherings be the norm as we ask ourselves who may be spreading the virus. It’s especially difficult for those who have lost loved ones or jobs to even contemplate a holiday season that’s supposed to be joyous when everything seems so bleak. Although the prospects of 2021 are brighter because of the vaccines that are being rolled out, we nevertheless are still left with the question, how do we celebrate? Or, perhaps for many, do we celebrate?
In this episode, my daughter Lauren and I explore the challenges of the holidays, suggesting insights and creative options for not allowing Covid to victimize us or our holidays.
In this episode we move beyond the mind in search of a different pathway that may bring us closer to our inherent "love state" We welcome Erin Pace-creator and teacher of the "Responsive Body Practice"-to discuss the power of tapping into body-wisdom in order to access true emotional expression and freedom from habituated ways of being. Instead of living our lives from our "neck up" let's explore the possibilities that arise when we experience the world with our full being.
Whether it be the stress of handling difficult health challenges, managing ourselves during this pandemic, or simply dealing with the Sunday night stress of beginning another work week, Lauren and I offer straight-forward, Self-Coaching strategies, not only for coping, but for re-framing your negative thinking and unhealthy perspectives, giving you a fresh new start.
In this episode Lauren Simonian and I discuss the many psychological advantages of mindfulness.
If you’re looking to eliminate emotional struggle in your life, there’s no better foundation than learning to be “present.” Worry, anxiety, depression and other struggles all exist in a worrisome, abstract future or a guilt-ridden past. By learning to be mindful, you will also be learning to live correctly, realizing your full potential for emotional well-being.
Children can be our best life-teachers. They often see the world from an unconditioned mind, approaching life with purity and non-bias. In this episode, my daughter Lauren joins me to speak of her experiences working with children in her Health and Wellness classes. Together we explore the deep need for all people--regardless of age, to find ways to incorporate peace and well-being into everyday life.
In this episode I dig deeper into the Self-Coaching rationale for ignoring your past and focusing on the true, here-and-now reality behind change and emotional liberation. You’ll learn why anxiety, depression and emotional struggle are resistant to change. Addiction-like these struggles become mired in reflexive and destructive patterns. Sure, it’s hard to change, but by understanding why you need to develop your self-trust “muscle” you'll begin to understand a real, legitimate path toward emotional liberation.
Understanding and eliminating relationship struggle, apathy, and conflict isn’t rocket science, not once you know what to do and how to do it. You’ll learn about relationship trust, partner and self awareness, fidelity, relationship maturity, and most importantly taking the leap and risking love.
If I had one wish, it would be for every couple to realize just how simple and effortless true loving really is. It has never been that complicated. It only felt that way because of insecurity’s distortions, communication deficits, or a general sense of relationship apathy. Even if you’re dealing with a reluctant, less enthusiastic partner, you can learn to be the catalyst that encourages positive change and relationship evolution.
In life everyone goes around one time—no exceptions. Eliminating relationship struggle makes common sense. Spending your life as part of a wonderful, loving relationship makes sense too—superb sense.
“We have met the enemy and he is us.” (Pogo, 1970)
Life doesn’t stop us from reaching our goals, we stop us. Self-distrust, pessimism, negativity, fear–whatever the circumstances that frustrate you, there’s a way. If not through the front door, then the side door, the back door…there’s always a way!
Whatever your goals, in this episode you'll learn the three components necessary for guaranteeing success.
Ever wonder, “What’s the meaning of life?” Of course you have. How did you answer? Did you solve this age-old riddle? In this episode, I’d like to present a Self-Coaching solution that will allow you to cultivate a better, more intimate understanding of how to live a more meaningful life.
Want to feel better about yourself? This episode of Self-Coaching will teach you how to embrace who and what you are. It’s time to recognize that in order to be your best self, you need to learn to 1.) understand your uniqueness, 2.) stop comparing yourself to others, and 3.) update your adolescent perceptions of self and life.
Whether it’s your lack of self-confidence, a sense of inferiority, or simply feeling depressed about your life, this episode will show you how to see the truth and the way forward toward a better happier life.
In the episode you're going to learn that fear is an unavoidable part of being human. You may not be able to eliminate all fear from you life, but you can definitely learn to manage these skirmishes. It may sound like emotional sleight of hand, but fear is nothing more than speculation. Not a neutral form of speculation, like anticipating when things will improve, but more of a worrisome anticipation of chaos, like “This pandemic can’t be stopped!” Of course, in these challenging times, some fear may be unavoidable— this is normal and understandable. But when fear becomes chronic and unreasonable, then it’s time for some personal, Self-Coaching “mitigation.” Think of fear as occurring on a continuum: Minimal Fear/Concern is on the far left. Moderate Fear/Worry is in the center. Intense Fear/Panic is on the far right. The left side of the continuum represents someone experiencing little or no fear. As you progress along the continuum, fear morphs from moderate/managed fear, to extreme fear (panic) on the opposite end. Where someone falls on that continuum is unique to each individual and that persons level of self-trust and insecurity.
Do you ever find yourself repeatedly let down by your so-called friends? The problem may not be with your friends—not exactly—but with your expectations instead.
If you find yourself disappointed or confused by your relationships, perhaps it’s time to learn about what I call Relationship Orbits. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll find that once your relationships are assigned to their proper orbits, you’ll never have to be disappointed or confused again.
In this episode, you’ll see that worrying is a form of psychological friction, an anticipation of future chaos—things going wrong (we don't worry about things going right). Whether you try to control your life by worrying, over-thinking, ruminating, being too cautious, fearful or doubtful; worrying is never the answer and if you’re stumbling emotionally, it’s always at the root of the problem.
Rather than worrying about an uncertain or chaotic future, you’ll see why learning to stay focused on the here-and-now facts of your life will keep you mindfully in the present, eliminating the anxiety associated with anticipating doom and gloom.
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There’s no question that understanding the historical reasons for your emotional struggles can offer some valuable perspective. But from a Self-Coaching perspective, understanding the “why” you suffer, as enlightening and helpful as it may be, isn’t as important as the “what” you’re going to do about it. If, for example, you’re trying to quit smoking cigarettes, do you think it matters why you took that first cigarette? Of course not. Same goes for challenging the “habits” of anxiety and depression, understanding alone won’t do a thing to help you break your habit. Learning to starve incessant doubt, fear, and negativity is what will.
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In this episode, I discuss why your attitude affects not only how you see the world, but also how the world sees you. Did you know that people with positive attitudes are seen as being physically more attractive than people with negative attitudes? It’s a fact! It’s also a fact that attitudes are learned and attitudes can be “unlearned.”
Understand that neither the optimist nor the pessimist knows what tomorrow will bring, but the optimist, by embracing a positive attitude, lives in a passionate world of unending possibilities while the pessimist lives in a world of unending dread. Isn’t it time that you stop being passive to reflexive, knee-jerk attitudes that generate emotional friction and struggle? Isn’t it time that you reclaim the life you want—the life you deserve?
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