Conflict does not spell doom in the marriage relationship. However, how we do conflict might. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer shares four behaviors that need to be avoided when “working things out” with your spouse. Kaleb explains what they are and how they can be avoided.

Show notes:

• Four negative behaviors that spell trouble for marriages and how they can be avoided.

• Criticism

• • Criticism often starts with “You.” “You always...” or “You never...” These statements are personal, labeling and strike at the identity of the other.
• • To avoid criticism, try using “I” statements. These look inward and communicate your reality and surface the need at hand. “I am disappointed that ...”

• Defensiveness

• • Defensiveness often is provoked by criticism and leads to criticism. It denies and shrugs off the need underlying criticism.
• • To avoid defensiveness, accept the reality of the other. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.

• Contempt

• • Contempt is disdain for the other. An inner dialogue that is continually negative. It can grow out of unrelenting criticism over time.
• • To avoid contempt, friendship needs to be nurtured and grown.

• Stonewalling

• • Stonewalling occurs when the nervous system is so heightened reasoning goes “offline.” Individuals experience a “flooding” of the senses in a way that shuts them down.
• • To avoid stonewalling, take 20 minutes of body and mental calming.

Note: These negative behaviors have been highlighted from the research work of Dr. John Gottman.