Please enjoy this recut of our Kang episode where the segments flow in the standard order, for those people who were confused by/didn't care for the experimental nature of the original release :)
Just before Quantumania releases, we travel through time with KANG THE CONQUEROR! This temporally unstable episode is our most ambitious yet - don't miss it!
Background
Issues
Skit
+ IMMORTUS: No, truly, the Time Keepers are hunting me down. I must inform you quickly. You are in grave danger. +
+ DOC: Yeah, I got that already. You’re the fourth… you to pull me out of the session already. +
+ IMMORTUS: Fourth? counts to self that means there’s still time then. +
+ DOC: Again, we have nothing BUT time. +
+ IMMORTUS: Not true at all. Listen to me, as soon as we return, you MUST kill Kang. +
+ DOC: Like I told the other guy, that’s not gonna happen. +
+ IMMORTUS: You don’t understand. You must do it before you are pulled from the timestream again. If you don’t, the consequences to all of existence will be dire. +
+ DOC: Yeah, I know, Kang will destroy the entire universe. +
+ IMMORTUS: No, Doctor Issues. YOU will. +
+ DOC: Wait, what?!?! +
+ IMMORTUS: It would take far too much to explain, just know that… beep they’re on to me. I must send you back now. +
+ DOC: No, wait, come here and warp sound talk to me! +
+ KANG: Have we not been conversing this entire time? +
+ DOC: I… +
+ KANG: Which one was it? The whiny child? Or the one who is so certain of his immortality he named himself after it? +
+ DOC: Again, to avoid any problems with confidentiality, I can’t divulge conversations with other clients, even if they’re kinda sorta you. I mean, I know there have been some shenanigans here, but I don’t want to keep repeating things, otherwise I might as well just be talking to myself… +
+ KANG: You have no idea how right you are, my lad… +
+ DOC: What does that mean? +
+ KANG: He hasn’t told you? +
+ DOC: Who hasn’t told me what? +
+ KANG: Fascinating. Then there’s still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints- +
+ DOC: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure- +
+ KANG: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can’t defend against yourself. +
+ DOC: Huh? +
+ KANG: And now, my boy, it is time for you to DIE! +
+ NATHANIEL RICHARDS: Warp sound It’s not supposed to happen like this. +
+ DOC: Lemme guess, you’re the “he” who’s supposed to reveal some big secret that’s going to change everything. +
+ NATHANIEL: I am Nathaniel Richards. Father of Kang, Immortus, Rama-Tut, Iron Lad, and all Kangs across the multiverse. And I’m not just any “he”, Doctor Issues. Or should I say… grandfather. +
+ DOC: flat what +
+ NATHANIEL: The timestreams have been merged and diverted so often things are broken. My own memory of how this came to be betrays me. But I know this: you are my grandfather, which makes you- +
+ DOC: Ancestor of Kang. +
+ NATHANIEL: Indeed. I had hoped to get this information to you sooner, but I was attacked by- +
+ DOC: At this point, does it really matter? My entire life, my entire identity, has been thrown into question. And I don’t care how much you look or sound like me, I need this information straight from the source. +
+ NATHANIEL: What? +
+ DOC: I have to go back to Kang. I need to speak to him directly. +
+ NATHANIEL: I cannot send you back to where I took you from, or you will die, and it will cause a cataclysmic chain reaction that will obliterate the very fabric of reality! +
+ DOC: Then send me back to the moment when he decides I need to die. +
+ NATHANIEL: I don’t understand. +
+ DOC: Look, when I get so much hearsay, I have to strip away all opinion. If Kang wants me dead, I don’t need anyone else’s interpretation. Whatever he does in that moment is the only thing that can resolve this. I am his provider, and it is my duty. If you are truly of my heritage, you’ll understand this, and have some faith. +
+ NATHANIEL: I admit I do not understand. But I do have faith. Just know that if this goes wrong, I cannot help you any further. +
+ DOC: I know. +
+ NATHANIEL: Then best of luck to you, grandfather. warp sound +
+ DOC: Hello Kang, I’m… Doctor Issues. For the last time… +
+ KANG: A rather foreboding introduction, Doctor. You speak as though we have met before. +
+ DOC: Tell me why. +
+ KANG: That’s… no… +
+ DOC: I may not understand, but I’m ready. +
+ KANG: No no no NO NO DAMN YOU NATHANIEL. +
+ DOC: Don’t blame him, this right now is about why you feel the way you do about me. +
+ KANG: For someone who claims to have an advanced education, your understanding of things is below rudimentary. You are responsible for the creation of these other… inferior variants. Ergo, I eliminate you, and they are gone. +
+ DOC: As are you. +
+ KANG: The threat of vanishing from existence has not stopped me before, and it won’t now. Not when I’m so close to having all that I need. Besides, if there’s no risk, there’s no reward. +
+ DOC: Then why do you tell me every time? You are holding something back. From yourself. I can help you confront it. Maybe no one has to die. +
+ KANG: You are willing to gamble the fate of the entirety of existence on your ability to speak? We truly are related, ancestor, and I admire your boldness. +
+ DOC: Only you would know this. Take us to the moment where we can have the greatest influence. +
+ KANG: Very well. Prepare yourself, Doctor. This will be a showdown for the ages. warp sound +
+ KANG 1: backgroundFascinating. Then there’s still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints- +
+ DOC 1: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure- +
+ KANG 1: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can’t defend against yourself.end background +
+ KANG 2: Here we are. +
+ DOC 2: And here you come. To think, he gets all the glory. What does that make you? +
+ KANG 2: You clever… Now I know where I get it from. to Kang 1 You’re absolutely right! +
+ DOC 1: Huh? realizes there’s another version of him & Kang in the room WHAT IS HAPPENING +
+ KANG 2: And now, my boy, it is time for YOU to DIE! +
+ KANG 1: No, this cannot be! +
+ DOC 1: Why are there two mes? +
+ DOC 2: Long story short, it’s all a big timey-wimey ball. +
+ DOC 1: How did we end up allying with HIM?!?! +
+ DOC 2: Don’t worry about that. Just do me a favor, and keep an eye on who our daughter marries in the future. +
+ DOC 1: What? +
+ DOC 2: Looks like my Kang has your Kang cornered… +
+ DOC 1: But he’s our… my… patient. I can’t let him just do this. +
+ DOC 2: If you knew what I know- +
+ DOC 1: But I don’t, and I took an oath. If you’re not going to protect a person that you’re responsible for, then I will. +
+ DOC 2: Wait! +
+ KANG 2: If I were a primitive I might feel shame about ending the life of someone who looks like me. But at this point… +
+ KANG 1: Spoken like a true primitive. Alas, you will be the one to fall. +
+ DOC 1: Noooo…. +
+ KANG 1 & KANG 2: blasts +
+ DOC 1: AAAAAAHHHH +
+ KANG 1: dying Why? +
+ KANG 2: dying You simpleton… you have shattered the timestream… +
+ DOC 1: dying I… I took an oath… +
+ DOC 2: And the first part is do no harm… +
+ DOC 1: Nok… dies + *
Ending + Mention timescrew as we come out of the skit
+ Recommended reading: Kang Dynasty +
+ Next episodes: Animal sidekicks, Claire Voyant, Penguin +
+ Plugs for social + *
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