Skit (44:18)
- DOC: Hello Shazam, I’m Dr. Issues.
- BILLY: Oh please, just call me Billy.
- DOC: Hi, Billy! Wassup. Hi five!
- BILLY: Ok, you’re trying too hard.
- DOC: What?
- BILLY: I can tell you think I’m cool, but Just call me Billy…and you can put your hand down.
- DOC: Crash and burn. muttering Nice one, doc. normal voice So Billy, what can I do for you?
- BILLY: Are you the one that writes prescriptions and stuff? I don’t really need that.
- DOC: Yes…but I don’t tend to write many for kids unless it’s absolutely necessary. Are you having trouble with school?
- BILLY: No.
- DOC: At home?
- BILLY: Nope.
- DOC: With friends?
- BILLY: It’s complicated.
- DOC: Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. So what’s going on with your friends?
- BILLY: Not much.
- DOC:pause Sooooo…it’s not a problem, really?
- BILLY: Not anything you can do about it.
- DOC:Try me.
- BILLY: Can you make them younger?
- DOC:No.
- BILLY: Can you make them understand me?
- DOC:Ummm…not directly
- BILLY: See? Waste of time.
- DOC:Hold it! I’m not giving up yet.
- BILLY: Cool.
- DOC:pause, desperate Uhhhhh…what games do you like?
- BILLY: Not any you’d care about.
- DOC:Whoa dude. I’m used to being shut out but you’re a ninja at cutting people off.
- BILLY: It’s a gift, I guess.
- DOC:Really? What other gifts you got? I don’t get to hang around aliens or gods or any of that stuff, so I know I’m clearly sarcastic OUT OF MY LEAGUE HAHAHA
- BILLY: pause What is wrong with you?
- DOC:run-on An intense level of sarcasm that acts as a veneer to cover plenty of deep caring for the world at large even when I want to be left alone. And you?
- BILLY: Same. whoa…WHOA…nobody says that. No DOCTOR says that.
- DOC:No doctor admits it, you mean. I’m probably not supposed to say it like that. But honesty in myself helps me sleep at night even when nothing else goes my way. I try to match the room. If I can’t ,I just shut down.
- BILLY: TMI my man.
- DOC:Is it? I’m filling time. Usually I’ll stay silent for a whole session, but that’s no fun. I’m trying something different. There must be something about you. I don’t open up to just anyone, so you must have some sort of connection even if you don’t admit it. But then again, there’s this theory that
- BILLY: interrupting Do you ever shut up?
- DOC:Always.
- BILLY: awkward silence What, you want me to talk now?
- DOC:You don’t have to.
- BILLY: more awkward silence So we’re really going to sit here forever until I say something?
- DOC:No, just until the end of the session….or you do the thing.
- BILLY: What thing?
- DOC:You know the thing.
- BILLY: No
- DOC:Come on, do the thing! Say it! Please?
- BILLY: Are you just a fanboy?
- DOC:Not really. I just wonder if you’re different when you say it. I bet you are
- BILLY: No.
- DOC:I’ll make the session free
- BILLY: No
- DOC:I’ll make the next session free
- BILLY: I don’t want another session
- DOC:I’ll cancel the next session
- BILLY: Fine. SHA-wait, I could just no-show the next session
- DOC:I have a cancellation fee
- BILLY: I don’t care! You’re just trying to use me like everyone else.
- DOC:hurt Ouch. Look. I’m bad at jokes like this, and it’s obvious I’m throwing a lot of stuff at the wall to see what sticks. First I tried to treat you like a typical patient, but that was selling you short. Then I tried to relate to you with something that you admit hit you personally, and you didn’t go for it. Then I tried flattery, and you felt insulted. I don’t know what works for you, but this ain’t it. If you want somebody else to see you, fine. But I’m not giving up. Somebody can help if you have things to talk through.
- BILLY: Why would you talk to someone that doesn’t want to talk to you?
- DOC:Have you ever had to deal with somebody that didn’t want to deal with you?
- BILLY: Yeah.
- DOC:And you did it anyway?
- BILLY: Yeah.
+ DOC:Why?
+
+ BILLY: That’s different. I’m trying to save people.
+
+ DOC:So am I, in a much different way. I can’t do it the way you do. But I don’t give up on lost causes.
+
+ BILLY: You sound like some people I know.
+
+ DOC:Is that a good thing?
+
+ BILLY: Knowing them, yeah. But they keep getting in more and more trouble, and they keep fighting, and then they talk about it all the time. What if I don’t want to do that? What If I want to have fun? Or quit? Or hang out? I want to do what I want. They want me to be like Superman or Batman
+
+ DOC:Then find a way to do it with your own style. Who cares if it’s not just like them? Don’t be a copy.
+
+ BILLY: Nobody told me that before.
+
+ DOC:sarcastic clapping Hooray, I did something. Yaaaay. Is there anything else?
+
+ BILLY: You’re still strange, you know that?
+
+ DOC:Not for copyright purposes
+
+ BILLY: What?
+
+ DOC:Nothing. Now, for giving you one talking point
+
+ BILLY: interrupting fine SHAZAM! sound effects See? No big deal, I’m still Billy.
+
+ DOC:sobbing
+
+ BILLY: Are you crying?
+
+ DOC:THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER THANK YOU SO MUCH I AM MAKING YOU A FREE PATIENT FOR LIFE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
+
+ BILLY: Most people just ask for an autograph.
+
*